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Doing It Softly

John and I feed off each other nicely.  He brought up a couple of points in his comments, one I didn’t agree with (but allowed was possible) and the other I wholeheartedly agreed with – having sex with other people around… but not really getting involved with them physically.  In the life, it’s called soft-swapping and, indeed, can be very naughty, satisfying, and can provide that extra oomph a couple might feel is necessary in their relationship.  Some full-swappers believe that soft-swappers aren’t real swingers, a topic often debated on the various swinging site forums.  And, maybe that’s a good thing not to be seen as a swinger; there are too many misconceptions and stereotypes about the lifestyle that can really give people the heebie-jeebies.  If nothing else, doing it softly can introduce you to the world of having sex with an audience, something some folks have an innate problem with because we’ve all been taught that sex is to be done privately – it’s not supposed to be a spectator sport.

Playing soft is a learning experience that makes having exciting sex possible and without violating one’s marriage vows and, depending on your point of view, something that isn’t as amoral as swapping partners.  It lends itself to a lot of visual stimulation; think of it as watching porn except it’s live and unscripted.  There’s something deliciously sinful about having sex with your partner – and you’ve got a cheering section egging you on.  Doing it softly can help break down a few things that makes us nervous, like getting undressed and there are other people watching other than your partner.  Some folks are self-conscious about their body and doing it like this can go a long way to making one less self-conscious.

This ain’t a how-to – I leave that stuff to the experts; what I know is that, yeah, John’s right – it can be a lot of fun without all the problems that can occur.  In the lifestyle, people who are content with not going all the way often allow a change of partners for oral sex; then when it’s time for actual intercourse, it’s back to your own partner for that.  Even if this is excluded, there are a lot of things a pair of couples could do together that are fun and exciting and pretty much risk-free.

Makes for some interesting conversation after the fact, too!

 
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Posted by on 5 January 2011 in Life, Living and Loving

 

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Odd Man Out

Multiple men engaged in sexual activity with a...

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Currently, there’s a thread in one of the groups I’m in regarding threesomes and it’s been an interesting conversation.  Menage a trois, as it’s known in French, is something  a lot of men dream of and don’t get a chance to experience and it’s not all that difficult to figure out why.  A lot of women don’t want to even talk about doing this – and, again, it’s not hard to figure out why.  The conversation was more along the lines of how something that’s supposed to be fun can go wrong – and one of the reasons why people don’t do it is because they can think of reasons why it can and will go wrong – but in the life, it seems as if it’s unusual if it does… and I don’t know why they’d think that and, indeed, it’s the reason why couples prefer to throw down with another couple – it evens out the odds (and even that can go wrong) as it were.

So, there’s MFM and FMF and there are those who say that the order of the lettering makes a difference in what’s going on in bed but these two “symbols” is what people normally think of in this.  Oh, and how it makes a difference depends on what letter is in the middle, which signifies the focus of attention and can also say a little something about the sexuality of the people involved – but more on that later.

God, there are so many things that can go wrong with this and a lot of it depends on where everyone’s head is and the level of interaction taking place.  Ideally, everyone gets involved seamlessly and no one gets left out, gets disappointed or anything like that… yet, that’s exactly what can happen.

One can argue whether or not the sexuality of the people involved makes a difference.  Is an MFM threesome “better” if both men are bisexual?  Likewise, is an FMF better if both women are bi?  See, some of the issues crop up when someone wants to do something… and they can’t do it when they want to or even when it’s happening the way the expect it to.  Sexuality aside, one of the problems I’ve seen is focus:  the ability or inability to focus on more than one thing at a time.  Then there’s the “misconception” that if a threesome is happening, well, we’re supposed to be doing this together… when it really comes down to really taking turns at some point, doesn’t it?

Two female, one male, oral threesome sex posit...

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FMF threesomes look good in porno flicks… but ain’t the easiest thing in the world to do and unless you’ve got pornstar-like stamina, well, you can see the inherent problem in this.  Toss in some straight people into this and, well, how well is any of this going to go?

Okay, trying to do something equally between three people does have inherent problems… then toss in how people behave during sex and, oops, there might be some heated conversation afterward.  I know a woman who’s husband begged her for an FMF threesome and I know that his head was squarely into all the pussy he could mess with and his focus was on the other woman more than his own.  It went horribly wrong in that his woman decided to give in to her bi-side and he wound up being a spectator because the two women were having all the fun.  The end result is that he got pissed and broke his woman’s jaw and all because the situation didn’t go the way he wanted or expected it to.

I know of a couple who did an MFM and the husband got ticked off because his wife was having a field day with the other guy and they pretty much forgot he was there.  The end result is that this caused the couple to get divorced.  Yeah, it’s all supposed to be fun… but whose idea of fun are we talking about here?

I know that swingers, as a matter of course, put in a lot of rules that could spark some wrongness to occur.  It seems to me that if you’re paying more attention to what you’re not supposed to be doing, uh, are you paying attention to what you’re supposed to be doing?  It’s all supposed to just happen “naturally…” but more often than not, that winds up not being the case; indeed, some threesomes are kinda “scripted” as to who can do what and when and all that rot.

Like I said, there are so many things that can go wrong that a lot of people don’t want to be bothered with having a threesome, beginning with that sense of propriety (or ‘ownership’) we have for our partner and not wanting to share.  Indeed, sharing like this is prohibited by the vows of marriage – it’s just not to be done for any reason.  So, being willing and able to participate in a threesome of any kind is another form of “negotiated infidelity.”

But I think it’s still a matter of where everyone’s head is when the clothes comes off and the sex begins.  Yeah, it’s supposed to be about everyone but there are times when that doesn’t happen; classically, instead of the men in an MFM taking turns having fun with girlfriend, one guy is having more fun with her and not giving the other guy a chance to participate (happens in FMF’s as well).  In the classic failure, well, if you’re in a groove with her, are you even thinking about the fact there’s another guy wanting to get into a groove as well?  Or he’s doing something to her that is taking her attention away from what you’re doing?  In this, I’m thinking that even though it’s a threesome, some guys tend to behave as if it’s one-on-one sex which can exclude the other guy, even if it’s unintentional.  Like I said about this, someone will wind up waiting for their turn and, for some, that’s not a good thing in their head.

If it’s all about sharing, well, it then boils down to a matter of equality in a situation that, normally, ain’t gonna happen – it’s simply a numbers game.  Sexuality plays a role in this and, ideally, if you have bisexuals involved, well, that should take care of the problem of involvement, huh?  Even in this, it depends on where everyone’s head is.  Since a lot of bisexuals tend to be more heterosexual than bisexual, it’s a matter of where their focus is, isn’t it?  If you’re trying to lay pipe to the woman, uh, do you really want to be bothered with the other guy trying to do something to you?  And, if that’s not an issue, can you focus on more than one thing at a time?  Um, most people can’t; sex, in and of itself, has a lot of shit going on, too many things to try to keep track of.

For instance, I know women who don’t like being in a 69 and simply because they can’t focus on all that sensory input going on at almost the same time.  Yep, it starts to get so good that you actually stop what you’re doing so you can focus on the pleasure you’re receiving.  Okay, this is kinda like human nature, sort of… but in a threesome, it can be a recipe for disaster.  And, really, if you want to see how this can be, watch a porno flick of a MFM or FMF threesome and just watch the actors (without getting caught up in the sex they’re having).  It looks all cool and good because it’s scripted to be like that… but you can easily see how, when, and where someone gets left out from time to time or how someone’s focus fails under the sensory assault.  Hell, you can even see where, in an MFM, the girl is having some “issues” about having two dudes getting ready to do a number on her, like the guys having to move her around to whatever positions they want her in – and her body being a little hesitant to get there.

If you can see this while watching porn, then you can imagine how the exact same things can make “normal” threesomes go absolutely, positively wrong.  Now, please, don’t get me wrong:  I know that threesomes can go without a hitch; I’m just expounding on the comment the member made about it going wrong.  The thought is that is’t not supposed to go wrong, which doesn’t change the fact that it can go wrong.  It’s seen as sharing the responsibility for each other’s pleasures which, of course, depends on someone’s idea of pleasure.  Some guys do get a rush out of watching the missus engaged with someone else and he’s happy to be a spectator – and with the knowledge that when he gets to her, oh, boy, is she gonna get it good!

In an FMF, um, I’m not actually sure if women get this same sort of rush; if they do, I’ve never heard anyone speak on it… then again, a lot of it depends on whether the women are bisexual and a few other things.  I know guys who slobber all over themselves at the thought of an FMF and I kinda laugh at them because I know it’s not as easy as they might think it is.  It becomes a matter of being able to satisfy both women… when they want and need to be satisfied and, um, er, some women can be just as impatient about this as men can be.

It does take a certain mindset to do this and be able to do it “right” so that no one goes away unhappy.  But, as one responding member said, maybe people just don’t know how to have fun and give/receive pleasure in this configuration.  In the lifestyle, it’s easier to have a foursome than it is a threesome and, just in my opinion, if it’s a free-for-all – that’s where everyone involved is fair game – so much the better.  Having a free-for-all in a threesome is possible and can work as well… but then you get all into the sexuality of the participants, what they will do and/or won’t do, stuff like that.

In a foursome, the roles are clearly defined and can be fun even if sexuality lines aren’t crossed… but in a threesome, what are the roles?  It’s a two-on-one at some point, changes to one-on-one unless girlfriend is really talented and can take two men being in her at the same time.  Otherwise, if you want to bust that nut in her, um, you gotta wait and some guys ain’t feeling that, are they?  I think threesomes can put pressure on people to perform; in the MFM, it’s the woman who might feel the pressure and in the FMF, it’s the man.

Attitude can screw this up; sexuality can screw this up; shit, just the way people behave during sex can screw it up.  Now, maybe the person who asked the question does know how it can get screwed up, which makes me wonder why he asked in the first place and, indeed, the way he formed the question suggests that a threesome isn’t supposed to ever go wrong because, wow, it’s just about having fun, right?

Still depends on whose idea of fun you’re talking about and the length that three people are willing to do in order to please and be pleased…

 

 
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Posted by on 2 January 2011 in Life, Living and Loving

 

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You’re Outta Here!

I chose the title of this blog, using a baseball cliche, so that maybe spring will hurry up and get here ’cause a brotha don’t like being cold!  There’s a rather interesting topic current on the forum on the swinging site asking about how one deals with rejection in the lifestyle.  The number one rule in swinging is, “No means no!” which implies, right off the bat, that you just might get kicked to the curb.  It is highly recommended that you don’t take such rejections personally – and there are a ton of reasons why you shouldn’t… but how to you not take it personally?  You’re expected, when rejected, to say something like, “Oh, okay, well, thanks anyway!” and move on even though there’s a good chance that you just got your feelings hurt.

The “funny” thing about rejection is that even when you expect it, it still won’t feel good to you.  The fact of the matter is that people just don’t deal with rejection well and, of course, it is said that men are the worst at accepting any form of rejection, especially when sex is involved.  When he or she tells you “no,” wow, isn’t that like a hard slap in the face?  If they have an “acceptable” reason for dissing you, like, “I don’t feel like it right now” or something else that can be deemed legitimate, well, that kinda takes the sting away some… but it still doesn’t feel good.  If you’re polite and classy, you just thank them and go on from there… and isn’t it just odd that you just nicely thanked someone for hurting your feelings?

Of course, being nice even though you were tossed is the PC way to behave; letting the hurt come to the surface isn’t cool… but if they knew what was going on inside you head!  In the lifestyle, I think a lot of people get their feelings hurt like this because of a well-known misconception:  If you’re here, you’re here to fuck and be fucked.  That is about as far from the truth as anything can get because, at least in my opinion, it’s not “just sex,” as one responder said:  It’s sex the way I want it and if I don’t want you, well, suck it up and move on.

So, yeah, I can kinda see how being rejected for sex by what amounts to be a total stranger winds up not being a problem for some; like that same responder said, “We’re not here to make friends…”  By the way, this responder is also someone who’s known to tell people in such situations that “it’s not personal…,” something I think is pure bullshit because having sex is personal – how could it not be especially when you’re talking about having your way with someone else’s wife or husband?

Anyway, I wonder if such people find it to not be a problem when, say, their partner turns them down for sex (or anything else for that matter)?  Yeah, you just might say, “Okay, baby, well, let me know when you have time or feel like it…” and go watch TV… but what’s going on in your head?  Oh, I’m betting some of your thoughts aren’t as pure as they should be.  You just don’t expect someone who’s expected to have sex with you to tell you it ain’t happening.

When you get kicked to the curb in this, perhaps your mind starts working on why you got turned down:  Is it me?  Something going on with them?  Is it the situation, as in you had the right idea at the wrong moment?  Hell, if he/she tells you no enough times, doesn’t the silly thought pop into your head that you might have to make an appointment?

We’re taught that when facing rejection, we should accept it gracefully no matter how it makes us feel; of course, uh, some people don’t do graceful in this and let their thoughts and feelings be known in no uncertain terms which can make the situation a lot worse.  I think about how I deal with it… and I can’t honestly say I can be as graceful as perhaps I should be; I might not say anything but I have an expressive face so you could probably just look at me and tell what I’m feeling and thinking at that moment.  Trying to keep a poker face isn’t an easy thing to do for some folks because, yes, being rejected – and even for legitimate reasons – just doesn’t feel good.

At the least, you have to deal with the embarrassment being rejected can cause; at the worst, it can impact your self-esteem in ways that just isn’t good for you.  And, yes, rejection includes being denied something you want; it’s not just someone telling you to get lost ’cause they don’t want to be bothered with you.  And when such things happen, we’re just supposed to smile and act as if everything’s okay?

We all learn about rejection and simply because we really can never have everything we want when we want it.  Lord knows how many times I’ve had to deal with my children in this and imploring them to not get upset and that it happens and all that other good stuff you’re supposed to tell them… even though you know they ain’t happy at all.  And, really, a lot of times, I’d feel like a hypocrite suggesting that they don’t get upset when I know I probably would.  And, in an odd way, being rejected can be helpful in that you can find out why this happened to you – then do things that’ll lessen the chances of you being rejected if they’re doable.  And, just as odd, keeping your thoughts positive may not help you the next time rejection comes your way, even if you know it’s coming.  It’s like you know what’s gonna happen and there ain’t a damned thing you can do about it.

It’s something that can deeply affect a person and how some people can be so blase about it is amazing.  Maybe being rejected – and especially for sex – is something that they’re able to deal with because, at the end of the day – or that moment – what the rejector had to say doesn’t mean anything to them… which may not say a whole lot where your thoughts about the other person you wanted to do the nasty to is concerned… and that’s kinda scary.

What’s “funny” is that someone might reject you – and you’ll get indignant about it – and then they get pissed because you’re pissed, making me ask the question, “What did you think was going to happen?”  People really do believe that you can diss someone like this and they’re not supposed to get bent out of shape behind it – are you kidding me?  In a perfect world, yeah, no one gets upset when rejected… but if that world’s perfect, well, no one would ever be rejected, right?  But that ain’t where we live.  Aren’t we all, even if only in our heads, sore losers?

I’m sure John might have some interesting things to say about this…

 
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Posted by on 20 December 2010 in Life, Living and Loving

 

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Pass the Cream

On the swinging website, a member asked, “What is a cream pie?”  Well, the OP got lightly toasted with flame for asking a question the detractors figured she should have known.  I’d think that if you were to hear this word in a conversation, your first thought might be the one of Boston fame – then your thoughts would go immediately to the gutter… provided you knew the other reference.

Last course: Boston Cream Pie served with fres...

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The OP, after scraping the burned bits off of himself, came back and admitted that she didn’t know that a cream pie was result of a man making a deposit into a woman’s vault… and that some folks get off having one for dessert.  Funny thing about the swingers on our site:  The more “disgusting” a topic is, the more people want to put their two cents worth in.  So, there were a lot of responses, the majority favoring cream pies as an after-sex snack, with an expected few turning their noses up in absolute disgust – then I came along and asked was whether or not it’s the cream they enjoy the most or the coochie they’re cleaning up that floats their boats…

You should know me by now:  I don’t ask questions just because I can.  As expected, one of my site friends immediately posted that he loves both – but I knew that already – while someone I actually didn’t expect to “vote” for both chimed in.  The question I’m really going to ask, after a few more responses, is why is that there are men who simply love eating another man’s (or his own) sperm out of a woman’s coochie… but a lot of them will balk at getting that cream straight from the source?

Personally, I think it’s funny – and it’ll be funny to see their responses when I pop that question, although you might also remember that I don’t ask them questions that I don’t already know the answer to – I just like fucking with them from time to time.

Okay, so for some women, when it comes to oral sex with a guy, ah, getting that “reward” at the end is not one of their favorite parts of the act and we know, to sum it up in one phrase, it’s an acquired taste.  Likewise, I know of men who love to give men head but have the same reaction as women do when homeboy cracks his nuts open.  Bear with me while I hash this one out…

Normally, once homey makes a deposit in the female du jour, it’s game over at that point.  He’s not going back down on her at this point because he’s made quite a mess of her stuff and, of course, his spunk is probably about to invoke the cream pie effect and, oh, if sperm is an acquired taste, an overheated coochie is an acquired smell.  At some point, girlfriend is going to hop up and hit the bathroom so she can get that mess out of her, which is actually a healthy thing to do – but that’s not the point here.  After paying her water bill, which will get the goo out, she freshens up and it’s either back to the action or on to something else for the couple.

Now we bring in the subjects of this blog – the cream pie lovers.  For them, the fun’s not over after the deposit’s been made – it’s just beginning and now it’s round two of the oral sex with her and with cream filling.  Really, it is quite a rush to do that; the first time I ever did it was sheerly on impulse.  I wanted to go back down on her and I thought – and stupidly so – that I could avoid the mess I had made – and I couldn’t and to be honest, I found the experience interesting, although she didn’t think so since she was now quite overstimulated and sensitive down there.  Later, I rationalized to myself that if I liked it straight from the source, well, having a taste of it after the fact was kinda interesting although one quickly finds out that body chemistry comes into play big time and can make doing this a lot more than an acquired taste.

But I’m bisexual and a lover of oral sex with men; my logic suggested that if I can deal with a guy’s spunk straight from the tap, dealing with my own flowing out of her shouldn’t be a problem.  And, for some bisexual men, well, they feel the same way I do and what can be fun is to dump that load into your woman – then watch the look on her face when you go back down on her.

What has me scratching my head – but not really – is why there are straight guys who love cream pies… but they can barely stand to see another man’s cock?  The question becomes, “If you’ll eat another man’s sperm out of a woman, does that make you bisexual?  Isn’t going down on her after another man’s been in her like sucking dick by proxy?”  Oh, lawd, ask a straight, cream pie loving dude that question and get ready for an explosion!

This isn’t the first time the topic of cream pies has come up on the site; if I remember correctly, the last time it did, someone asked the questions I mention above – and the straight cream pie lovers had a major hissy fit defending their straightness.  What had me laughing was their insistence that their primary focus was on the pussy and not what was oozing out of it and under the pretense of giving the woman extra pleasure and stimulation.

Really?  I mean, seriously?  Okay, okay, so even if, say, the other guy didn’t make that much of a deposit to make the cream pie (or girlfriend’s box magically absorbed it), you’re putting your mouth in a place where either your own cock or the cock of some other guy has been… and you don’t think there isn’t an element of bisexuality involved?  Some say there is, some say there isn’t and my own opinion about this is kinda fuzzy; I can kinda see where it is… but can see why it wouldn’t be.

But there must be some truth to this because I’ve heard cream pie lovers – and regardless of sexuality – swear to all that’s holy that they love the taste of a woman after they or another man has been in them and has left their calling card.  Hmm…

One site member said that it’s like forbidden fruit and that makes sense; like I mentioned earlier, the norm is to make that deposit and that’s that; there’s no going back to reclaim the spilt milk, as it were.  And, as y’all should know, there’s nothing more exciting sexually than doing something you’ve been told shouldn’t be done or something no one else would ever dream of doing.  For some, it’s a rather addictive thing to do; mention “cream pie” to someone who’s deeply into it and watch them do an imitation of Pavlov’s dog and start salivating.  I even know that some submissive men get hooked because their dom will take a load, look at the sub and say, “Now, clean it up – and don’t miss a drop!”

And for male submissives, yeah, I can see that; for bi guys, I can see that, too… but straight guys who aren’t subs?  I’d really like to have such a man explain his thinking about this just so I’d know for sure why this is such a turn on for them – but you couldn’t get them to suck cock even if you stuck a gun in their ear and was squeezing the trigger…

See, I’m not 100% sure that, in this case, the man’s sexuality can be questioned because, after all, he’s eating pussy, right?  Nothing unusual about that and, indeed, one member of the site did say that for him, it’s more about eating his lady and cleaning her up… but that would also highly suggest that he has acquired the taste for sperm, too.  Could this be a way for straight men who love cream pies to indulge in that taste for sperm… but keep their sexuality intact by not getting it straight from the source?  Or is it something that can be taken just at face value in that it’s just something that’s naughty and fun and there’s nothing more than that?

Of course, enjoying a cream pie isn’t just for men – there are women who enjoy them as well but, in a very weird kinda way, a woman who’d enjoy such a treat, well, that kinda makes sense, doesn’t it?  To me, it makes more sense than a straight guy enjoying one.

Anyway, I thought I’d share this with y’all and will leave this topic for you to ponder and come to your own conclusions about this phenomenal thing to do.

 
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Posted by on 1 December 2010 in Life, Living and Loving

 

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Hilarious

Swingers are some funny people.  I’ve been sitting here reading through the various postings on the message boards and in some of them, you can see how stubborn they are about certain things – that “my way or no way” attitude seen in the lifestyle.  I also tend to see an overall lack of understanding about the nature of sex and relationships, a case of a lot of swingers not really seeing the big picture in any of this and stubbornly holding on to their somewhat narrow-minded views of what being in the life is supposed to be like.

Swingers are so hung up on a great many things – and some of them are things that they don’t really understand, like chemistry.  It never fails to amaze me how swingers, in particular, get so adamant about the importance of attraction and how they absolutely, positively, have to click at some level with someone they want to have sex with.  I read what they write and find, more often than not, they use these things to make sure they’re not going to have sex more than they do trying to get it.

Don’t get me wrong; I really do understand it and, perhaps, better than they do and that’s because they’re single-minded about it where I am not; they look for specific things, I look at everything, which is probably why I tend to either shake my head or laugh a lot when I read some of the things they write.  I’ve seen in their writings that, perhaps, they don’t understand the true nature of sex; they’re just concerned and focused on that which pertains to them, that being the things they want to do as opposed to the things they can do.

Sure, everyone has the right to want what they find pleasing and satisfying but, in this, a lot of swingers place limits on themselves.  I’m not saying or suggesting that they don’t have good reason for doing this; if they do, that’s all well and good.  What gets me is that a lot of them will proceed from their limited view when commenting to others about their view of things and, well, it just gets downright funny at times.

Swingers spend a lot of time defending the way they are; discussions and even arguments crop up on the boards simply because two people can’t agree on what the lifestyle’s supposed to be like when, in fact, there are really no rules or regulations or even limits on how someone can participate in this thing we call swinging.  To this end, you see a lot of people on the boards always trying to make the case that the way they swing is the right way to do it – and it’s hilarious.

I know and understand how attraction works in all of this, just as I think I understand the nature of that thing we call chemistry.  What’s funny about this is that some swingers actually expect chemistry to happen on demand; indeed, a lot of swingers on our site say that unless chemistry is present before the fact, having sex isn’t possible.  Um, clearly, these folks have no idea how this really works and consistently shows that a lot of swingers need to have a reason to have sex with someone else and rely on being motivated by others appearances, etc., to have sex.

Which makes me wonder how it’s possible that just the thought of being able to have sex doesn’t get some folks motivated to drop their drawz…

They try to quantify chemistry without understanding how it works; they seem to eschew the fact that just because someone looks good to them, uh, the sex that can be had might not be all that, that failure to understand that it’s not the body that drives sex – it’s the mind behind it.  So, yeah, a lot of swingers are looking in the wrong place and expecting something to happen – chemistry – that doesn’t happen just because they say they need it to.  To that end, while chemistry can be immediate, that’s not always the case – like love, it happens when it wants to, not when you need it to.

What’s even funnier is that they expect this to happen in the shortest amount of time possible and with the least amount of meaningful communication!  It’s been my position that a lot of swingers do their best to dehumanize sex, to narrow the whole dynamic down to just one premise:  Give me your body, let me have my way with it, then go on about your business.  Swingers say things like, “It’s not personal, it’s just sex” – are you fucking kidding me?  I don’t know where they learned about sex but where I did, you cannot get any more personal with someone than having sex with them!  I know that most are about trying to set aside the emotions that go along with sex, specifically, trying to ward off the fact that sex can induce other feelings other than lust, like love, for instance.

To that end, they’re clearly in denial – or sadly ignorant – of the power of sex.  Or, maybe they do know, which is why they always try to limit the power of sex as much as possible so that they never have to deal with the consequences of their actions and/or take any responsibility for what may occur because of the sex they’ve gotten or provided.  They want all the benefits of sex with others but don’t – or can’t – deal with the inherent risks that come along with it.

In a sense, it’s kinda insane; swingers, first and foremost, want to maintain the integrity of their relationship with their partner… while playing with nitroglycerin (in the form of sex).  It’s not as if they don’t know it can blow up in their faces or that it really doesn’t take a whole lot for that to happen; they just go about it hoping and praying that it doesn’t or maybe even go with the thought that it can never do them any harm.  If this is what they think, then they really have no idea what they’re fucking with…

They rant and rave about being like- and open-minded… but it’s their idea of those two concepts, not what they both literally mean.  In this, it’s really not about what can be done sexually – it’s what you think and know about it that sets up being like- and open-minded.  Sure, there are things that, for some, can’t and/or shouldn’t be done – we all have our individual limits.  But, it’s really about understanding the possibilities, being able to say, “Well, I’m not into BDSM – but I know what it’s about” and even knowing for yourself why you’re not into whatever.  I don’t feel, at times, that some swingers understand the difference between thinking and doing because they really aren’t the same thing; this isn’t cause and effect.

Hell, I know if I did everything I ever thought about, oh, lawdy, I’d be in so much trouble!  It becomes a matter of understanding one’s limits when it comes to sex – but also understanding that everything is possible and negotiable if you care to step out of the box you’ve put yourself into.  And, of course, swingers are all about trying to make you fit into their particular and specific box so they can have sex the way they want it as opposed to the way it could be done.

When talk on the boards turn to sexuality, well, it’s a wonder I haven’t cracked a rib laughing at some of the responses.  You can clearly see that, in this, people don’t understand the dynamic that’s taking place.  Your body doesn’t give a fuck who or what’s making it feel good – but your brain does.  And, yup, people do believe that if your mind doesn’t like something, your body’s not going to like it… and that’s not true at all.  A blowjob is really just a blowjob and, as far as your body’s concerned, who’s giving it doesn’t mean a hell of a whole lot… but if your head says that another man shouldn’t be sucking your dick, well, it becomes an unacceptable difference, thereby denying the body the pleasure it craves.

In this, you become your own worst enemy…

I laugh because where things regarding sexuality is concerned, people are more willing to buy into the hype rather than to see – and understand – the truth of it.  You can read on our boards about this subject and how bisexual women are highly prized and sought after – but bisexual men wind up being rated right behind the bubonic plague.  It creates an unnecessary double standard within the lifestyle and it is totally hilarious to see people stressing their moral standards about something in a lifestyle that requires one’s morals to be set aside in order to participate.

I mean, how does one hold onto one’s morality… while doing something that’s immoral?  Can you not see the humor and even the hypocrisy in this?  I can…

I think that, in all of this, swingers lack objectivity, that ability to step back and look at stuff without applying their own thoughts and feelings about a given thing.  I rant and rave about this and, yes, some of it is subjective – it’s what I think… but being objective calls for being able to look at something from every possible angle without your personal preferences getting in the way of what you’re looking at.  If you can step back and look at the lifestyle with any degree of objectivity, you can see just how funny people are as they go about trying to get laid.

It really does make me wonder how some manage to get laid!

 
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Posted by on 16 November 2010 in Life, Living and Loving

 

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Exclusivity Not Swinging?

So, the next hot topic on the swinging website is exclusivity, where a couple wants to just have sex with another couple without any, uh, outside interference.  Like having any other emotions other than lust, the E-word  is to be avoided like the plague as fas as a lot of swingers are concerned, their point being that they’re already in a good relationship and don’t want to be bothered with another one.  The conversation kinda got into being poly, which is an entirely different thing than swinging but, basically, the OP was asking if exclusivity had a place in the lifestyle.

Okay, my thoughts are that it does have a place in the life when you take into consideration that we all don’t swing the same way.  Some folks prefer the “variety” of bed-hopping, going from one couple to the next and never having sex with the same couple more than once per encounter.  Then again, there are couples who’d rather not settle for this and would want a couple they could interact with on a long term basis and not just for sex and, actually, there’s some sense in this because wanting exclusive “rights” to someone can lessen the risks that are inherent in the bed-hopping type of swinging.

In this, you know who and what you’re dealing with and at such intimate levels that could, in fact, lead to a poly existence – but, again, that’s a different kettle of fish.  As swingers, we’d rather deal with a couple exclusively rather than having to go through the hassles involved with trying to get people into bed with us; it’s just easier when you know that you’ve got someone steady you can have sex with.  You are aware of the quality of the sex to be had and the longer everyone is exposed to each other, the better the sex can be.

I would suppose that most swingers feel that exclusivity takes them out of the game… and that’s just not true.  You can, in fact, be a couple’s exclusive sex partner and still be out there wheeling and dealing as usual; it’s all in how the nature of being exclusive is defined.  Yes, just as in “regular” swinging, there has to be rules and a clear, concise understanding of how such an arrangement is supposed to work – then you have to work to make sure it works.

One of the responders to the post said the L-word – love.  Well, that’s a problem for swingers; they don’t want to be bothered with any other emotion other than lust, their thinking being that they already love their partner so any other love coming to the table is a pain in the ass.  My though was simple:  Did you not take into consideration that your having sex with someone else could affect them in that way?  To me, the answer’s obvious:  No, it never crossed their minds.  They act upon the thought that if being in love with another couple isn’t on their list of things to do, then no one else should think or feel like that.

And that’s just inherently stupid and a failure of swingers to deal with the consequences of their actions.  In my way of thinking, even if it’s just sex, you have a responsibility to be mindful of how the other person may be impacted by what you’re doing and how your doing it to them.  I mean, what do you think is going to happen if you charm the daylights out of someone then sex them like they’ve never been sexed before?  You may expect them to just thank you for the good fuck and walk away… but that might not happen and I believe it’s something one has to be aware of; it’s dealing with the consequences of your actions.

Exclusivity, in and of itself, is not a bad thing; it can only be bad if someone makes it that way, as in one couple wanting exclusivity with another couple – but, in this, are making unreasonable demands in order to have it their way.  No, that ain’t gonna fly!  And this probably does happen more often than not and winds up on the list of things not to be done when it comes to swinging.

What disturbs me about this is the general attitude some swingers have.  They get it into their heads that if it’s something they couldn’t or wouldn’t do, then it’s not swinging as they see it – and then they try to ram their way of thinking down the throats of others, thinking that they’re right and everyone else is wrong – and that’s just not the way it is.  Everyone doesn’t swing the same way or for the same reasons… and while other swingers acknowledge that this is a truth, well, they appear to be in great denial about it – and all because it’s something they can’t handle in their lives.

I said in one of my responses to the posting that we wouldn’t reject an offer of exclusivity – it would actually work better for us.  Just make us an offer – then let’s sit down and negotiate the terms and, if we can all agree, well, let’s do this thing!  If our goal and purpose is to have sex with people other than ourselves, well, being exclusive fits the bill and can be seen as a safer way to swing.

 
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Posted by on 15 November 2010 in Life, Living and Loving

 

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Permission to Swing?

There’s a thread on the website about couples being in a swinging club – but unwilling to swap and whether or not such people can be called swingers.  Given that despite the “official” definition, people tend to be in the lifestyle in whatever way makes them comfortable.  I offer this definition and quote, found on Sex-Lexis.com:

swinging:
A form of consensual extramarital-sex in which married couples exchange partners with one or more other couples.

Quote: Lawrence Paros in The Erotic Tongue (1984): ‘ Around 1953, a phenomenon called wife swapping was reported in the suburbs. During the early to mid-sixties, swinging couples or swingers became the subject of serious study by sociologists as well as a common male fantasy. But there was little need to limit swinging to married folks, and it expanded to include any kind of innovative sex with multiple partners, rendering all other definitions obsolete. The swinging-single was now upon us .’

It stands to reason that the dynamic continues to change from the provided definition in that there are people who want to be around all the sex to be had, say, at a club or party – but have no interest in sharing themselves with others.  The thread on the site questions whether or not such people have a place in the lifestyle, given that most people have the thought in their mind that if you’re there, you’re supposed and are expected to make yourself available to sex.

To me, the whole thing is rather prejudicial and discriminatory and hinges on what an individual thinks and expects in such a situation.  It’s always been my position that when you expect something, you can be quite disappointed when what you expected doesn’t happen in the way you expect it.  Swingers also just up and assume that if you’re there, you’re fair game… and all without knowing if that’s really the case or not.

In one of my responses, I allowed that since swinging means different things to different people – and, again, despite the definitions – who’s to say whether a couple who doesn’t or won’t swap isn’t a swinger?  Of course, on many websites, who is and who isn’t a swinger is a topic of great debate and you can actually see a consensus of sorts as well as the mindset of the people who respond to such a topic.  And, it really stinks to high heaven to read people trying to shoe-horn other people into a definition that may not fit them.

It’s my thought that the increase in people wanting to swing is an indication of people finally getting off their moral high horses and realizing that if it’s sexual pleasure you want, there are other ways to get it.  This isn’t to say that people should just throw away any morals they have… but it doesn’t change the fact that a lot of people are doing just that.  Yes, it’s supposed to be about the sex but, in the situation the OP (original poster) laid out, just being in a roomful of people having sex – but not participating – is their idea of swinging.  And, yeah, I can see how that kinda makes sense and can be even seen as voyeurism, something that does exist in the lifestyle.

And who are we, as swingers, to say who’s as swinger and who isn’t?  I said in a reply that as far as I know, there’s no national association with a governing body for swingers that anyone’s a member of and that if such an organization did exist, a lot of people would never be admitted as members if the literal definition is adhered to.  It implies that a standard for being in the lifestyle be mandated and anyone who didn’t fit the standard couldn’t be admitted as swingers no matter how they felt or thought about such things.

But, that’s just it; it’s not about the definition, implied or otherwise – it’s about what the people involved think it means to them.  On the site, I often see the way people think about this and how they’ll bash anyone they feel isn’t a swinger by their definition – but get totally pissed off if someone were to say that the way they swing isn’t the way it’s supposed to be done.  But, also at the same time, they talk about having respect for the way people swing.  What it really makes me think about some people is that respecting the way someone else may want to swing has little and/or no importance; they are required and expected to just give up the booty when they’re asked for it and, sure enough, if you don’t do things the way they expect you’re not a swinger in their book.

Certainly, I’m no expert when it comes to this and I have my own thoughts about what constitutes being a swinger and all that.  I understand what it takes for a person or persons to take their morality, instituted since they were able to understand it, and set it aside for “extra” sex and even something more than that.  It’s not an easy decision to make given how “possessive” people tend to be about their partner/mate or, as I like to say, “This is my pussy and you ain’t getting any!”  Perhaps the dynamic is changing in that people are finding it easier to be around swinging sex – but they don’t have to deal with trashing their vows to each other and do, indeed, keep only unto themselves.  This “new” dynamic suggests that you can be with a bunch of swingers having sex, revel in all the sexual activity going on around you but when it’s time to do the nasty, you just ain’t sharing with anyone else.

And who’s to say that some couple looking at it like that aren’t swingers?  See, to me, “sharing sex” doesn’t necessarily mean letting some other guy pork your wife – it’s sharing the sexual experience as a whole and no swapping is required or expected.

By the way, for anyone considering getting into the lifestyle, don’t let my comments dissuade you from taking the plunge; you get into the lifestyle for the reasons and way it’ll work for you; it’s just that I find the mindset of some of the posters on the site to rub me the wrong way at times and, yup, I gotta say something about it.

 
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Posted by on 14 November 2010 in Life, Living and Loving

 

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Who Says?

I started an intelligent discussion on the swinging website based on something one of the “major” players said in a post they wrote.  A submissive bisexual, he made the comment  – and I’m paraphrasing here – that even though he has sex with men, he’s not into men so calling himself bisexual is the best way to describe himself.  I consider this guy a friend on the site and I’m well aware of his, ah, proclivities where sex is concerned… but his statement jerked my chain.  So I started a new thread – as to not hijack his original post – and asked a simple question:  Who says you have to?

I’m always interested in how other bisexuals look at themselves and most of them I know tend to say, “I’m bisexual, but…” then follow it with their favorite qualifier.  But, one of the things I’ve noticed over the years is that the dynamic that’s bisexuality has changed a lot from the original definitions coined back in the 1800’s in that more and more men and women are straddling the line these days without any concern or interest in any emotional affinity to a same-sex partner other than lust.  The latest word coined is “heteroflexible,” which I have a problem with – but it fits the trend that I’ve been seeing for the last several years.

In this, people want the sex that can be had without the emotional attachment that’s been the bane of this branch of sexuality for so long.  It’s now a given that you don’t have to like men or women “like that” in order to have sex with them; all you have to do is like them enough to have sex and like the sex that can be had.  When my submissive, bisexual friend said what he said, man, I saw red for a moment because he knows just as well as I do that today, you don’t have to like men to have sex with them and if you do, most people will agree that you are bisexual.  He has the contention that just because he doesn’t like men giving him blowjobs and he won’t fuck another guy in the ass, that has something to do with him being bi or not… even though we’ve seen pics on the site of him sucking cock and getting boned in the ass.

It’s bullshit, in my opinion and in a lot of the other site members as well.  What also got my goat just a tiny bit was him going off on something someone else said – then he kinda put my name in it, sparking a few words between us and him suggesting I go eat a bran muffin; I really kinda stepped off in his ass about that one because the truth of the matter is I really don’t care how he describes himself; I just have an issue with people being pissed with someone else and dragging my name into it.

That bit of dumb shit aside, I maintained that despite what he said and felt, the question’s still valid and directed at anyone who’s ever uttered the phrase, “I don’t like men/women like that.”  My contention is that you don’t have to – you just have to like the sex to be had.  I know I don’t like men “like that;” I do like the sex, however and, using myself as an example in one of my replies to my own topic, I allowed that the most I might feel for the other guy is friendship; but, other than that, nope, ain’t gonna be running away with him and playing house with him any time soon.

What I see on the website more than anywhere else is an overall resistance to the word bisexual – and then mostly by men more than women (which is no big surprise).  The straight people on the site just love jumping into a topic that really has nothing to do with them and putting their two cents’ worth in with their usual brand of negativity, in some instances.  People in the life, for some reason, have an issue with labels and what they mean – and it’s a silly and rather defensive way to behave.  It’s one thing to take umbrage to being called something you’re not, say, if someone said you were gay when you are, in fact, straight but in this, if the shoe fits, wear it – it is what it is.

It’s a given that bisexuals don’t always do everything that can be done; just like anything else in sex, they have their favorite things to do and will, as a matter of course, discard anything they’re not fond of.  The weird thing I see at times on the site is that even when you explain this to straight people, they maintain that all bi men not only like taking it in the ass, but are wild, cock-starved people who are poised to attack any prick within their reach.

Are you kidding me?  I mean, seriously?  I find it rather disturbing to see supposedly intelligent people behave like that; they’d rather hold on to a falsehood rather than accept the truth and reality in this, up to and including this “liking” thing that gets people all bent out of shape.  Let me be blunt for a moment…

If you’re one of those guys who’ll proudly proclaim to any- and everyone who’ll listen that you love having your dick sucked, logic suggests that it shouldn’t matter who’s doing the sucking – you can replace male terms for female terms in this.  The whole thing falls apart because, for a lot of people, it does matter even though, intelligently, they know it shouldn’t… but one of the main points of resistance for such people is that “liking” shit that scares the piss out of them.  Oh, they’re so worried about that when the trend these days clearly indicates that, no, you don’t have to like men/women like that – it’s no longer a requirement or a necessity.  In most cases, having an affinity for a man or a woman as a result of sex with them is highly unlikely beyond, perhaps, having them do you again because they did it well and to your satisfaction.

Obviously, if this is something you just cannot get your head around, well, you shouldn’t be doing it – that’s just the way it is.  Some of the responses I read were in the mindset of if it can be done, you should do it – and that’s not right.  As I told those who responded, you don’t have to if you don’t want to – but if you do, well, don’t worry about liking people “like that.”  It’s not necessary in order to enjoy the sex that can be had and to whatever extent you want to have it.

No, this kind of sex isn’t for everyone and it’s pretty scary for some to think about and going into such things with a cavalier attitude isn’t a good thing to do; it’s really not that simple because you can mess up a lot of things in your life if you don’t approach this with your head screwed on right and all your ducks in a row.

But don’t let “liking someone like that” deter you from having all the sexual pleasure you can get.

 
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Posted by on 4 November 2010 in Life, Living and Loving

 

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Condoms Required

Swingers are some funny people.  Once again, a topic has cropped up about the use of condoms and how some people get confused when they see this statement in someone’s profile – then see pics of them going bare.  Somehow, this seems to baffle a lot of swingers and, for the life of me, I don’t know why.  Then again, that might be because I don’t believe everything I see about someone’s profile and, if I really wanted to know, I’d ask – but that’s me.

Wear a condom and ejaculation after Sexual Orgasm.

Image via Wikipedia

Okay, we know the watchword today is safe sex or even abstinence.  Lifestylers, on the other hand, tend to go ’round in circles about this, often pointing out the contradiction that people invoke safe sex and condom usage – but are seen, say, performing oral sex without said protection.  Oh, they really get up in arms about this!  Some people do, in fact, use condoms for every aspect of sex; most don’t, especially during oral sex and if you’ve ever tasted a condom – flavored or otherwise – you’d know what that’s like.  And if you haven’t, go get yourself a latex glove, put it on your hand, then try sucking your thumb or finger – you’ll get the idea.  Then there’s nonoxol-9, the spermicide used on condoms; not only does it taste horrible, for some folks, it’ll make your whole mouth go numb, especially your tongue and that, folks, just doesn’t feel good – and I know this from experience.

The lifestyle does not advocate, suggest, or imply in any way that condoms should not be used.  If you need ’em, use ’em – how hard is that?  What gets people bugging is that in a profile, there’s usually a drop-down box about condom usage:  Required, Ask, Never, are the standard choices and some sites will not let you leave this box blank – you have to pick something – and most people will pick “Required” when, in fact, that may not really be the case.

Not only are condoms a safety issue, it’s my belief they’re also a trust issue as well.  Common sense should tell you that if you are fertile and not looking to have children, you do whatever’s necessary to make sure this doesn’t happen.  A lot of men have been snipped, women have more reliable birth control methods or have been sterilized themselves – this is fine.  But, given that there’s not such thing as the perfect birth control method – unless you have kids – most people who are sterile will still use them.  One of the things I believe some lifestylers don’t think or talk about is what happens if the birth control fails and, oops, you’re gonna be a daddy or a mommy… and neither of you had anything to do with that.

I mean, all some people have to do is look to their own relationship to figure this one out.  Maybe when you first hooked up with girlfriend, you had to be strapped up every time… then she gives you the word to leave the condom in your wallet and let’s go for it and let the cards fall where they may.  It’s a trust issue more than anything else and, simply, she trusts that you’re not going to infect her with something and if you knock her up, well, do you like boys, girls, or both?  Some couples will continue to be protected simply because they’re not ready to have children – this is also good.

In the lifestyle, a lot of people are “no glove, no love” and this is good.  They very well may not use protection with each other – just with playmates and this is good.  There are people who use protection when they play… but.  If the people they’re playing with have been playmates for a while and a level of trust has been established, they can agree to leave the condoms on the table unopened because the women’s birth control method is working as expected.

Yeah, sometimes, everyone will get together, bring the condoms, and the action gets so hot and heavy that they go unused.  I mean, there’s just nothing like sliding into a woman, feeling how nice it is and all that and just before you explode in her, a little voice in your head says, “Um, you know you don’t have a condom on, right?”  Oh, yeah, that makes you feel smart, doesn’t it?  It’s one of the reasons why I say that sex makes you stupid.  Ah, but that’s why there’s a “morning after” pill, huh?

Coloured condoms

Image via Wikipedia

I don’t know why people are confused when they read one thing then see another; I mean, obviously, the use of condoms wasn’t required with the people in the picture and if you really are baffled, um, why not drop them a note and ask them?  Who knows, they might even tell you!  There are a lot of lifestylers who have steady playmates and have had them for years, long enough to trust them to go bare.  How hard is that to figure out?

For oral sex, there are condoms and oral dams; there are even devices you can put on your finger (saw a picture of one just now).  Do people use them?  Probably… but I know both men and women who say that having something between them and the object of their oral desire just complicates things, especially when it comes to taste and feel.  People are of a mind that their butts are the “dirtiest” part of their body – and they’d be wrong; it’s your mouth.  Don’t get me wrong; there’s some bad stuff coming out the back door but it’s not as bad as the stuff you have in your mouth, beginning with your saliva.  It’s just not there to keep your mouth moist; it has enzymes in it designed to start breaking down the food you eat.  Your nose is connected to your mouth and there’s a reason why there are hairs in your nose; they’re there to filter out stuff you breathe in and, yep, don’t you also breathe through your mouth, too?

You can brush your teeth, floss, and use mouthwash… but is your mouth really clean?  The science says it isn’t, no matter what that minty fresh taste is telling you.  The funny thing is that a lot of people really don’t know this – or they don’t think about it when they’re about to go down on someone.  So, the protection being used is really to avoid, um, bodily fluids like semen and vaginal secretions – and I’m sure people aren’t aware of what that stuff is made of, either.  Some prefer condoms or dams for this simply because, um, that stuff is an acquired taste and some folks just can’t acquire it – but love to give head.

Lifestylers will ask, “If you give head without protection, why insist on it for intercourse?”  I will note that this question gets asked by the site’s bareback faction a lot.  But, no, it does not make sense that if you do the one thing bare, you should do the other the same way.  A lot of women just do not like the feel of a condom inside them but they know that if they don’t want to get knocked up with another man’s child – and the problems that can bring to the table – they tolerate it and handle their business.  But, again, how hard is this to figure out?

A man and a woman having oral sex

Image via Wikipedia

Then, there’s a guy thing that’s quite embarrassing.  For reasons I’ve yet to figure out, there are some guys who will go to put the condom on and, oops, there goes the boner and getting one of those puppies on when you’re at half mast is no fun at all.  Then there are the guys who gets a rash from the nonoxol-9 or maybe even the lubricant it’s combined with.  Ah, there’s nothing like taking that thing off your thing and, an hour or less later, spend the rest of your night dealing with a rash on your shit!

For some people – both men and women – the word “anaphylaxis” is a very serious problem for them.  People who are sensitive or flat-out allergic to latex, nonoxol-9, or even the lubricant used on condoms can have very bad reactions to these things, up to and including death.  Condom makers have come up with a device that’s not made out of latex – but isn’t lambskin either; they may or may not be lubricated or may not even have nonoxol-9 in there anywhere.  Despite this, people who know they’re allergic will stay away from anything like this because it’s just not worth the risk to their health because unless something’s done immediately, anaphylactic shock can kill within minutes.

I know about the joke of “coming and going at the same time” and it’s pretty funny – but not when the threat is a real one.  Rather than take the risk with this, yeah, people will opt to go bare and take their chances like that and the choice is rather easy to make; take a chance on being a parent nine months later or take a chance of dying a minute after you come in contact with a condom you might be allergic to.

There are a ton of reasons why people will say one thing about this and do the opposite; the message to lifestylers is simple; if you want to know why someone’s like this, ask them.  Oh, that’s right… this type of communication isn’t their thing to do – how silly of me!  I say ask them; you may find out their rule is really one of being strapped up for the first sex between you – but after that might be different.  But I suppose it’s easier for lifestylers to wonder, guess, be confused, and even pitch a bitch about it than it is to ask a simple question:  Are condoms really required for us to have sex with you?

And, as with a lot of things in the lifestyle, it’s a matter of preference.

 
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Posted by on 7 October 2010 in Life, Living and Loving

 

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Colorblind 2

My friend John pointed out a few things in his comments that, of course, I’m well aware of… and none of that is the point where “racism” in the lifestyle is concerned.  In an environment where being like- and open-minded are watchwords, when it comes to this, you can see where it ain’t like that at all.  Please keep in mind that not everyone in the lifestyle has this issue and the folks I’m talking about are actually a small portion of the millions of swingers around the world.  It just makes me want to puke when I’m on the site and someone pulls the race card out of their pocket.  Opinions will flow, some tinged with acidic remarks and that’s cool.  Here’s the thing that almost makes me want to bang my head against the wall:  No one ever says why they have such preferences.

There’s a reason why those people should say why.  It would eliminate a lot of misconceptions; people wouldn’t be perceived as bigots or prejudiced; it would stop other members from looking at them and asking, “What are you afraid of?”  There are those who probably don’t get the fact that perception is a lot more damaging than the truth and, if I’m not mistaken, a lot of them don’t care what anyone thinks.  Now, some folks will step forward in such discussions and offer up their take on it, laced with disclaimers at times, and this is good.  Others will buck up and give the usual reply of, “Our preferences are our preferences and you have to respect that.”

It’s not about the stereotypes; it’s not about who’s bigger and who can fuck the best.  It’s about being in a rich, diverse lifestyle where like- and open-mindedness is something almost every member of our site says they are and require of others – but when it comes to this, eh, some are not so like- or open-minded.  It’s not a thing of “can we all get along?” more than it’s supposed to be about sex and any way you can get it.  If you go on perception – and that’s really all one can go on since some are loathe to tell the truth – it’s about fears real or imagined and the inability to set them aside so you can do the nasty, which is supposedly why you’d be on such a site to begin with.

I’m sure that there are some folks whose reputations where they live would be damaged if they were seen hanging and banging with non-whites so they lay low and guard themselves.  I’ve heard from some swingers who’ve told me that prejudice runs deep in their family and that if it were known they were consorting with the “enemy,” there would be hell to pay in the family hierarchy.  I don’t want anyone to misunderstand me about this:  I get this and so do a lot of other swingers.  The first rule of survival is to look out for number one and if this is why someone won’t stray from their norm, it’s probably a smart thing to do.

What I say to our membership is that if you have a reason for your preference, tell us; it would ease a lot of tensions around the site.  The folks who have their heads screwed on correctly are always the ones who will be approached and/or contacted by someone who has in their profile, “No Blacks allowed;” occasionally, you’ll see a profile disqualifying anyone who isn’t white.  These people get bent – and they’re mostly white themselves – and the few Blacks on the site, well, when we see what they’ve written, we kinda just shake our heads.  And, yeah, we will join with them and voice our regrets that such people feel that way because, really, they don’t have to.  To this end, it’s a thing of swingers on a site being a rather unusual family of sorts and while you may not want anyone outside of the life to know what you’re doing, you can always tell us.

One of the things that some of us try to do on our site is to dispel the myths, allay the fears, excise the prejudice.  We seek to inform and educate more than using destructive criticism against each other – except in the Political forum but that’s a whole different animal.  It’s about letting each other know that we can and should rejoice in our differences and bask in all the heavenly sex we can have with each other.  It’s an almost constant reminder that it’s not about color, ethnicity, background, or any of the other things that always seems to tear the world apart; this is about the one thing we all have in common:  The need and desire to have sex.

It’s said that we’re all the same color when the lights go out and that, yes, it’s all pink on the inside (I like that one).  This is the message that the lifestyle should always bring, the one thing that doesn’t get enough effort toward – well, one of a couple of things; that sexuality thing is on the list as well but on our site, we’re working on that and the results have been quite positive.  When those of us who question the preferences of others – and I am one of them – it’s not to ridicule or belittle them or their preferences; we just want to know why and it’s better to hear the truth from these folks rather than form inaccurate opinions of them – that’s just wrong, ain’t it?

Jololan said, in his comments to me on this, that the difference is similar to liking blondes or brunettes and, yeah, we all get that.  It’s always about choice but, again, the message is – or should be – there are more choices; all you have to do is reach out and take them.

 
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Posted by on 2 October 2010 in Life, Living and Loving

 

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