I don’t often chime in on this very interesting blog but decided to do so today and the topic is polyamory – so let’s answer the questions, shall we?
1. Agree or Disagree. If people want to have more than one spouse they should be allowed to do that.
I agree that it should be allowed since so many people have learned that while being monogamous is the way we’re supposed to be no matter what, it just does not work the way they say it’s supposed to. There are still cultures in the world where multiple spouses is the norm and historical evidence has surfaced that reveal that being polyamorous was the way we used to be… before the rules were put into place.
2. Do you believe in ethical non-monogamy?
I most certainly do and more so when, you’re in a relationship, both people have the responsibility of making their relationship the best it can possibly be and at some point, it becomes apparent and/or obvious that one person trying to do this just ain’t gonna cut it. How does one prevent being cheated on? Remove the conditions under which cheating can happen and it’s true that it’s better to have permission than it is to beg forgiveness or to otherwise trash a relationship that was working well… right up to the moment when needs started being unfulfilled and even ignored. It is true that if you don’t take care of your man/woman, someone else can and will but if you really want to keep them – and be able to have more fulfillment in your life as well, hmm – why not invite others to join you and work toward it being a win/win for everyone? I do think that this works better together and works best with existing couples although anyone can be poly. The question is, “What are you willing to do for you and your partner to be happy with each other and remain together for as long as humanly possible?” Another question is, “Did you really mean it when you said that you’d do anything short of, say, murdering someone, to make and keep me happy?” Sadly, the answers to these two very important questions is usually, “Nothing!” and it’s revealed that you didn’t really mean what you said and now you’re saying, “I love you, but…”
3. Is polyamory something you want?
I actually didn’t want it when it got “pushed” onto me; I believed in the sanctity of monogamy until I learned that monogamy doesn’t provide anyone the things they really need and it doesn’t allow for the fact that things change over time and people find that they do, in fact, need more of something than they already had in order to be happy with the person they’re already with. But once I got into it, oh, hell yeah – we should have done this way before we were kinda forced to do it!
4. Do you wish that your ethical non-monogamy was a societal/cultural norm?
I sure as hell do; it makes more sense than being monogamous and miserable.
5. If you are in or have been in an open sexual relationship, what are the best bits?
Okay, what’s the best bits? It is amazingly liberating to be freed from the chains of monogamy and to know that, by agreement, whoever you’re with is not only just looking after their own ass, they’re looking after yours, too; you get to see that the rules we’ve been made to operate under are flawed beyond belief and that it’s patently ridiculous to expect one person to take care of every need, present or future, that someone might have. Most people think that being non-monogamous is all about the sex and I won’t lie – it is about the sex and it can be amazing beyond belief… but that’s really not all there is to it. We all have that capacity to love more than one person at a time but we are prohibited from being able to express ourselves in this way and I know from experience that when you can openly express yourself in these ways – and your partner is at your side and able to express themselves, too, well, honestly? It’s the most insane thing two people can do but if you do it the right way, you will never, ever want to be monogamous again.
I spent over 20 years being in an open and polyamorous relationship… and it was both the worst thing I ever agreed to and it was also the best thing I’ve ever agreed to. They say that too many cooks spoil the broth and while that can be true, it’s also true that many hands make the work easier so when you can have more than two people trying to get things done – and all involved can learn how to do this – a lot of things that couldn’t be done before can now be made possible. But I have to speak of the not-so-good bits about this and the main thing is that if you think being monogamous is difficult, being poly is even more difficult because it’s a bitch to have to unlearn everything you thought you knew about love, sex, and relationships so that you can learn a very different way to do these things… and a lot of people can’t manage this and a lot of people fail at this because they continue to apply the rules of monogamy to a situation that, by it’s very nature, defies those rules and completely invalidates them as they’re written.
I learned that being open and poly, well, it just doesn’t get any better than that; it is, hands down, the ultimate relationship state even though it’s actually harder than being monogamous… but it’s worth it.
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