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Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: A Matter of Honor?

I meant to write this yesterday but, well, I didn’t. As I kinda puttered around, I somehow got to thinking about how things often don’t go as planned.

In the works of M2M, things are often done by gentlemanly agreement; there’s a negotiation phase where each man states his likes and dislikes and kinda go back and forth until they both can agree on what’s to be done and all that. Once the terms have been hashed out, all that’s left is to do it… and we all tend to take the other guy at his word that only what was agreed to will take place.

Yeah, right. Okay, let’s say that 85% of the time, things go as agreed… and in the remaining 15%, things can go off-script because what I think doesn’t get taken into serious consideration is that, um, people do change their minds and being in the heat of the moment can be… interesting. As such, I’ve known of guys walking away from an encounter being totally pissed off because something happened – or almost happened – that wasn’t previously agreed to and even I learned some tough lessons about that oh, like, don’t ever expect things to go as planned.

We just tend to assume that we’re gonna get what we want and in the specific way we want it and without much thought to the other guy having his own ideals about that. Classically, Guy A meets Guy B and after some going back and forth, they agree to suck each other off and head off to do just that… but somewhere along the line, Guy B changes the script by saying that it’ll be easier for him to cum if he can fuck Guy A – and even though Guy A has already made it clear that’s not what he wanted to do (whether he’s into this or not).

These things happen and “in most cases,” the matter is dropped and dicks continue to be sucked with a slight dampening of the mood… or Guy A’s refusal to go there pisses Guy B off so much that the whole thing gets irrevocably ruined… and now both guys are pissed off and can bring the matter of one’s honor into question., as well as the possibility of some name-calling and maybe even being called out as a flaky, punk-assed bitch of a chicken shit motherfucker and even one’s masculinity can be called into question as well.

A lot of guys are seriously inflexible and unable to adapt to changes. One guy I knew told me of his recent encounter with a guy who, apparently, fucked the whole deal up because the other guy wanted to eat my acquaintance’s ass and that wasn’t included in their initial agreement. When I asked him why he just didn’t let the guy do it, I thought he was going to say that his but wasn’t all that clean but his reply was, “That’s not what the deal was!”

“So you’re mad because something came up that you weren’t expecting?” I asked and, yes, trying not to laugh at him over how he was behaving,

“He has no honor, man,” he griped. “He wasn’t a man of his word as I thought he was!”

Sorry, but I had to ask him, “What’s honor got to do with it? Okay, I get it # been there myself many times – but I’m wondering why you didn’t already have it your head that things could change?”

“They weren’t supposed to!” he literally shouted back at me. “You would have done the same thing and leave like I did!”

“Um, no, I would have adjusted to this change and let him do what he wanted to do since it’s not that big of a deal,” I said with a shrug. “Something like that wouldn’t be enough for me to want to call the whole thing off – but that’s me… and I always go into things knowing that they can change and, yeah, I might be the one to change shit up.”

“Like what?” he asked.

“Like the many times we’ve agreed that there will be no fucking but as things heated up, the change was put on the table. Not what we agreed to but adapting to this means, at the least, having a short conversation to say yea or nay; I don’t know how many times I’ve said no fucking and I’m later telling the guy to fuck me and right now.”

“What if he says no?”

“Then he says no but that’s no reason to not finish what we started,” I said. “Shit, I found out the hard way many times that just because I want things to go a certain way doesn’t mean the other guy is always going honor my decision in this… and any more than I’m likely to not honor his, not because neither of us are truly dishonorable but being in the moment can effect change and if you can adjust and adapt to it, well, you’re just gonna be pissed off – and then you didn’t get to bust a nut.”

There’s a reason it’s said that, “No means no.” Sometimes, script changes aren’t that dramatic, like how a guy and I agreed that I wouldn’t cum in his mouth… and he turned around and asked me to. I could have said no because that wasn’t agreed to but I adapted and adjusted and asked him if he was sure… and he answered by continuing to suck me until I came in his mouth. Afterward, he said that he was surprised that he changed his mind but felt that was what the moment called for and he was glad I was agreeable.

A lot of guys become disillusioned because they get this notion in their head of what they wanna do and how they wanna do it and then things don’t happen exactly as they thought… and now they’re pissy and feeling other kinds of ways. I tell them that it’s okay to agree on whatever… but if you’re not prepared to expect the unexpected, you’re never going to be happy with how things might turn out.

Guys often “Yeah, but…” me about this and stick to the fact that the other guy gave his word and, as such, his word didn’t mean shit and his parents weren’t married when he was born and other such things. Yes, you expect a guy to keep his word and to the letter… but if you don’t have a clue about what’s going on in his mind once his dick gets hard, yeah, you might have a problem if you’re unable to adapt and adjust to the situation and that includes “reminding” him that you both agreed that whatever came up was not to be done. Or, heh, heh, something that came up that neither of you thought about during the negotiation phase.

Is it a thing of a guy being dishonorable and his word not being his bond? Well, sadly, we are too well-known to lie in order to get what we want from someone and that’s pretty dishonorable… but in a lot of M2M situations, both guys are being straightforward and forthcoming but neither thinking that being in the moment can effect change,and more so,when you can’t control what the other guy is thinking or feeling at any given time and, yeah, you might not have an iron grip on your own thoughts and feelings… which many guys claim they have.

I know better than that since I used to think that way, too. No way am I gonna change my mind and no way he’s gonna convince me that changing my mind is gonna be a good thing for both of us! He gave his word and so did I! And “shit” happened anyway and more good than bad and, yes, I’ve had to physically enforce my decision not to do something when they just won’t take no for an answer. Been there, done that, learned some terribly hard lessons from it that I’m not of a mind to ever repeat.

But if it’s reasonable, sure – why not? If it’s not a great divergence from what we agreed to, okay. But if you go from fingering my ass to wanting to shove your dick in there – and we didn’t agree to any of this, well, no – I’m gonna hold you to your word and if that makes you mad and ruined the mood, well, sorry about that… but not really. When I say no, I mean it but that doesn’t mean that I’m unable to adapt or adjust on the fly… because I do expect things to not go as planned and that’s not, at least to me, an issue of being honorable… but it is a thing I know about men when their dicks are hard and they’re in their own moment.

And when it doesn’t go off script, that’s fine but you just learn to expect the unexpected and how to adapt and adjust as needed. As such, yeah, it’s about one’s honor and not so much. It can get… tense; I’ve had guys say that they wanted to do whatever because they thought I wouldn’t mind… and I’ve thanked them not to try to think for me seeing as how they were dead wrong about what they thought I would think. If I told you not to cum in my face and you get it into your head to make such a change – and then not even ask me – well, hmm. I’ve had guys flip the script and ask even though we both agreed there will be no facials taking place.n I’ve said no, they’ve gotten miffed and I know they are and no matter how much they try’s to hide it.

You did give your word and I’ll hold you to it but, yeah, I know better. I don’t get prissy about it because, again, I’ve been known to change my mind in mid-stream and I’ll ask and if he says no, okay; why ruin everything by getting all bent out of shape about it? Yes, yes – boundaries should always be respected and they are… most of the time but a lot of guys get totally blindsided because they never expect things to go in another direction and then can’t adjust to something, like, oh, letting the other guy eat your ass rather than having a major hissy fit that kills the mood and, again, everyone walks away unhappy.

It’s okay to say no and you should if you must but we do act like our gentleman’s agreement isn’t subject to change because the reality is that, uh, it can. It’s not like we come to an agreement then lull,out bibles and swear an oath that the agreement in which we’ve entered will not change, so help me (add your deity of choice here if you have one) no do we write it down and sign it with our blood or anything like that to seal,the pact we just made.

I just think a lot of guys are too rigid and inflexible and unable to adjust or adapt very well… and I do think that instant gratification – I want what I want and the exact way I want it – is at fault. Methinks it easy to negotiate and say let’s see what happens and if it’s something on my “don’t like” list, I’ll let you know and I hope you’ll do the same… so let’s go do the thing we just agreed to do, shall we?

Okay, I’ve finally gotten this out of my head – see ya tomorrow! Oh, and if you see any mistakes, blame it on my iPad – it can’t keep up with how fast I can type even with two fingers…

 
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Posted by on 19 July 2021 in Today's Bisexual Thoughts

 

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Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: It’s… Circular

I know that when I write about male bisexuality, it tends to be circular or I keep “repeating” myself and probably unnecessarily so… but since this blog is all about whatever happens to pop into my head about this, I don’t have any control over what might pop in there and when it does, I feel compelled to get it out of my head; otherwise, when I don’t, it’ll stay there and start “messing” with me until I get it out.

And today, my brain, which really does have a mind of it’s own, decided to circle back and say some stuff about cock sucking and, in particular, how I’ve heard so many things about men sucking cock doesn’t look right or anywhere near erotic. The first thing I will say about this is that they’re right about that; it doesn’t look right and not as erotic as, say, watching a woman do it. The next thing I will say is that I figured out that it doesn’t look right because – wait for it – our social conditioning has declared that it isn’t right for men to do this, it’s 100% nasty and in that way that only a human brain can make happen, when you see it, it just doesn’t look right and since it doesn’t, it doesn’t excite or arouse as, again, watching a woman suck dick.

I grew up listening to people saying that women were the only creatures allowed to suck dick and I could never find or figure out how this ownership was determined and why it was; it was just one of those things that you eventually learned by some means. What was “confusing” to me was the fact that me and the boys would get together to suck each other’s dick and it felt just as good and sometimes better than when a girl would deign to suck us. As such, I had the thought that the, ah, visual revulsion to see two men gobbling each other might come from the fact that if you’re not used to seeing it, it’s gonna look weird and all that along with the pervasive and persistent belief that men aren’t supposed to do this to each other in the first place.

In this and in other aspects of having sex – and with anyone – I found that if you can’t see the inherent beauty in it, well, it’s never going to look “pretty” and even more so when it’s men doing things. I’ve watched guys suck me and, yeah, okay, I’ve seen videos of guys sucking cock and most of the time, exaggeratedly so but to me, eh, it’s nothing I haven’t seen before and because I learned to see with different eyes, I can see the raw and primal nature of it and can appreciate it.

My mind “changed channels” and brought up all the moments where I’ve been in “arguments” about being a cock sucker and where women have “made it clear” that it was their thing to do and there was no need to do it – or have it done – by men. The thing about that is I know from experience that women can be very funny about sucking dick and I’ve rarely run into women who were genuinely eager to do it. Now, I’d never, ever, say that I’ve not enjoyed a woman going down on me but some women just don’t understand something I’ve mentioned before, that being, I suck cock for a lot of the same reason they do and, simply, because it makes me feel good (and the other guy as well). I’ve had to listen to many a tirade coming from women who demands their ownership be recognized but also demand that their right to refuse to do it is inviolate and if you don’t like it, there ain’t shit I can do about it. Those same tirades have included how wrong it looks to them, how I must really be gay and very much into men more than women and, sadly, no matter how I’ve responded to such things, it’s never easy to get them to understand that, to me, it’s just sex and it has nothing to do with women doing it or choosing not to.

I’m a guy and I just love having my dick sucked and, nope, not picky about whether it’s a man or woman doing it. I love giving head and, again, be it a man or a woman and I know in my head that anyone seeing me blowing a guy, well, there’s a good chance that it’s not going to look right to them… because they’ve been conditioned to see it that way. They, ah, they lack the ability to just see it for what it is but as many do, they’re so focused on who is doing what that being able to see it for what it is just escapes them and, as such, it doesn’t look right or sexy to see men doing things that have “always” been in a woman’s remit and purview when it comes to having sex. Again, I do tend to agree with them that, at first glance, it looks weird to see a guy sitting on another guy’s cock and gyrating and writhing upon it and not to dissimilarly to how women can be seen doing the exact same thing. In this, um, it doesn’t look right but if you can not pay attention to the participants and just pay attention to what’s going on, then, I think, it’s easy to see the eroticism taking place and, again, the inherent beauty of it.

I don’t know why you’d want some dude sucking your dick and I sure as hell don’t understand why you’d do that shit -it don’t even look right!

Um, because it feels good? I mean, is there really any other reason? I know what it looks like and, yes, there have been times when the social conditioning gets out of the cage I put it in and says, “There’s a guy sucking your dick and you know this shit looks fucked up and it ain’t right!” And for a split second or less, yeah – it doesn’t look right but it’s not about what it looks like: It is 100% about what it feels like and, indeed, the “fact” that it doesn’t look right makes it even more erotic… and it’s not easy to explain this to people. I’ve crammed the social conditioning back in the cage, redo the locks and seal up any cracks – and that, too, takes only a split second or less – and go right back to watching the guy doing something that makes me feel good and waiting for my moment and chance to do the same thing to him because even though that might not look right, it sure as fuck feels good to do it.

I’ve had this “argument” with gay men who have that aversion to pussy; to them, it isn’t attractive, and sure isn’t erotic to see a guy with his head between a woman’s legs and eating her pussy and even less so when the guy is dick-deep in her. Why would I do such things when I can choose to do them with men only? Um, because it feels good? Because it, too, is something I’m very used to? Because, unlike you, I don’t have any aversion to pussy? I get it coming from them and the premise that I should be as gay as they are and not have anything to do with women but it comes down to the sheer and simple fact that just because it’s not something you’d do doesn’t mean I wouldn’t and the equally sheer and simple fact that I’m not going to stop doing something I love to do just because you don’t like it and wouldn’t do it yourself.

A lot of this is “eye of the beholder” stuff and totally connected to that which someone believes which makes being more open-minded about sex and being able to see with better eyes a “must,” in my opinion. If you think it’s not right, it’s never going to look right and unless someone has reason to, they’re never going to change their minds about it. And, yes, it must be mentioned that not everyone thinks, feels, or believes that seeing men sucking dick is all that ugly – it’s just that a lot of people just do.

Have you ever seen yourself sucking dick?

I have… and I’ve had a good laugh at myself seeing my facial expressions as I suck dick. It doesn’t look weird to me but, yup, it does make me laugh at myself but when I’ve seen myself doing this, what’s going on in my head is stuff like what was I thinking about, how it was feeling to me and then taking a step back and just pay attention to what’s being done to the other guy and seeing the raw and primal nature of it becomes apparent and stops being hilariously funny – but then I’ve always been able to see this for what it really is:

Two guys having sex and even if there are those who insist that oral sex isn’t sex. I heard someone say that when someone is sucking dick, they’re just masturbating them with their mouth and I thought that was an odd but interesting way to put it since, um, they’re kinda right about that in that odd sort of way… but at the end of the day, that sentiment doesn’t matter a whole lot because, while I could use my hand to get him to cum, eh, where’s the fun – and sensual fun – in getting him off that way when I can take him into my mouth and make it feel even better and to both of us? Yeah, it doesn’t look right but ask me if I even care what it looks like. Hell, sitting at an oyster bar and slurping down oysters doesn’t look right… but those puppies sure as hell tastes good, you know, if ya happen to like oysters on the half shell… and that’s all that really matters.

Yeah… I know we eat with our eyes and they play an important role when we’re looking at sex, too. But, as it’s been said, your eyes can deceive you and you can be “blinded” as well and not be able to “see” what’s really taking place when a guy is giving another guy a blow job. Despite what people think, it’s not always about being into men and like gay men are; it really is a simple matter of doing something sexual and something that, again, has always been deemed to be a woman’s thing to do and, also again, if they even deign to do it at all. To many, it looks wrong and even morally so; they say there’s no good reason in heaven or on earth for two men to blow each other and make each other cum and, as such, they don’t “see” that the reason is to make each other cum and not really all that different from me having my head between a woman’s legs and chowing down on her like it’s the best “meal” I’ve ever had – and in my mind, it most certainly is. I know that I’m orally fixated and it took me quite a long time to figure that out and that fixation isn’t totally on eating pussy. For me, sucking cock – and whether it looks right or not – is very pleasurable and, yeah, I do fully understand why some women aren’t fans of it since I’ve been subjected to a lot of same “dumb shit” they have up to and including that “I promise not to cum in your mouth” lie that has traumatized many a woman. As such, there’s a lot more stuff that ain’t right that makes it not looking right a non-issue on the whole of things.

My brain gets circular about things like this because I’m almost always thinking about the same thing but in different ways and from different perspectives so while it might sound like I’m unnecessarily repeating myself, I am… but not really because my thoughts are just as fluid as my sexuality is and even more so. Of course, I see guys talking about sucking dick and in very differing ways; I see them asking questions that, on the surface, might sound “stupid” to some but said questions just might trigger a thought or two and could possibly contain a perspective that they’re not aware of – but I am because, um, er, this is always going on inside my head at all times and even when I’m sleeping and my conscious thoughts have been shut down for the night. I’m into being bisexual and not just the things that can be done and even when I’m not consciously thinking about it, that doesn’t mean that stuff isn’t happening in the background and the funny thing is that I am aware that this is happening even though I might not know what’s going on… until it reaches my consciousness and says, “Hey, you should write about this!”

And I do because this blog is all about what’s in my head and my need to evict it so, there you have it.

 
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Posted by on 17 July 2021 in Today's Bisexual Thoughts

 

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Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: What Cracks Me Up…

…is seeing “bisexual” things on Twitter where guys are sucking cock and taking in the ass… and wearing shit to cover their faces in an attempt to hide their identities… and probably not know that when they post their videos to Twitter, it leaves a connection trail that points right back to their device’s IP address and they can be found, you know, if someone was that anal and wanted to know who those masked men were… and someone had the technical skill that, um, I happen to have – just saying.

I mean, I get why they do some pretty silly shit to hide who they are while putting their lust on display for all to see and even doing that in ways that even I wouldn’t do… and I’ve done some shit in my time. It often continues to make me laugh my ass off because one or more of the, ah, participants have physical attributes that, to anyone who knows them, are immediately able to reveal their identity and guys with tats – and even very unique ones – don’t seem to realize that wearing a mask isn’t doing shit for their very distinguishable tats that’ll tell anyone who knows them exactly who they are.

I’ve seen ski masks, bandanas, “Zorro” type masks and all kinds of things being used to cover one’s face… and probably not giving a thought about the shape of their head, their eyes and nose and even mouth could give their identity away, too. Okay, I’m a cock sucker and an eater of pussy… and I can’t imagine what it would be like to do those things wearing something covering my face; doing those things gets me all hot and sweaty without a mask so I’m guessing that covering up your head and face ramps up the temperature a lot more. I don’t know about anyone else but doing that would make whatever I’m doing harder to do – but that’s just me.

I see these masked men and what they’re doing… but it’s the fact that they’re trying to hide themselves – while making it possible for anyone to see what they’re doing – that is just hilarious to me. It’s well-known that guys have sex with guys and if you’re trying to hide this from anyone that knows you, I’m thinking that making a video of your actions, even being masked, ain’t really working and more so when it’s very possible that people who know you might suspect that you throw it down with men anyway… and you just provided them video proof to confirm their suspicions or they’re not seeing anything they didn’t already know about you – they just never said anything about it.

Like I’m thinking that they’re not thinking about how distinctively unique their dick is and the possibility of someone seeing it and saying, “Hey, I know that guy!” and all because the dick was seen before and in an “innocent” way like homey pulling it out to take a piss. You can put a mask on your face and even use some editing tricks to blur your face… but because you want people to see what you’re doing, yeah, your very unique dick can be a dead giveaway to those who know you.

We dive into an ages-old stereotype and myth at this point: All Blacks are homophobic. Yeah, sure all of us are and I gotta point out that while I see a lot of video clips with guys of all races doing the deed with each other, I don’t see, say, too many white or Hispanic (or whatever their ethnicity is) trying to hide their faces as much as I do see Black men doing it… and yeah, there are women who are putting themselves on display and trying to hide their faces… and probably not knowing that their body is giving them away to anyone who’s seen them or has even had them. But the myth is bullshit and always has been but as in all things like this, some people tend to believe this more than they’d believe the truth. I don’t know how many times in my life I’ve had sex with, say, a white guy and he’s been shocked or surprised that I’m agreeable and, yeah, I’ve had them say, “But, you’re Black!”

Yes, I am… and that means what? Oh, I know why you said that and now I’m laughing because you’re discombobulated because you believe something that even I know for a fact isn’t true… and never has been. As such things go, there is some truth to this – there are a lot of very homophobic Blacks out there but if you believe that all of us are, well, you’re crazy to have believed that nonsense, no real offense meant. And if you still believe that we’re all homophobic, uh, um, I can show you some very graphic evidence that should, for once and for all, purge that stupid myth from your mind… and all you need is a Twitter account to see it. Back to the mask thing.

“Amateur porn” is a thing these days and it’s deemed to be more exciting and arousing to see people having sex without all that scripting and the equally corny dialog and music… except, if you’re paying attention, you might notice that a lot of it is, in fact, both “scripted” and staged and the proof of it is that whatever you were doing was captured on “film.” It’s a stretch of the imagination to believe two guys met in a park and got to sucking and fucking… and there just happened to be someone standing right there to video it. Put the masks on and, I don’t know about y’all but that shit make me laugh my ass off because if nothing else, it looks patently ridiculous because there’s a certain reality that says no one really gives a fuck if you’re into having sex with men and it’s really so commonplace that trying to hide your identity is really an effort in futility because, again, if someone really wanted to find out who you are, you’re giving them all kinds of clues that your mask ain’t ever going to hide.

I even think that they don’t seem to realize that seeing a masked man takes the eroticism down a notch because the mask hides facial expressions; it’s “not enough” for some to see a masked man sucking a dick but without being able to see his facial expression as he does it, yeah, it leave out some stuff in my opinion. What really gets me laughing my ass off is when the masked man starts mugging for the camera. Now I’ve always had a “problem” seeing stuff where someone is sucking a dick and staring at the camera. I was told that this is done to “say” to the viewer, “See what I’m doing? This could be you!” To me, if you’re staring and mugging at the camera, you’re not paying attention to what you should be doing… sucking that dick and making homey cum. Again, I don’t know about y’all but I find it hilarious to see a guy get a facial… while wearing a mask.

I know I tend to be literal-minded but it seems to me that if you don’t want anyone to find out that you’re into having sex with men, um, don’t video yourself doing it because that mask you have on? All it’s doing is covering your face and, um, facial recognition software isn’t going to be fooled by your mask one bit if one had access to such software and very much wanted to know who you are.

I’m kinda riffing about this because one of the things being said about bisexuals – and Black men in particular – about being on the DL and the things being said aren’t what I’d call nice… and dudes trying to hide themselves, at least in my opinion, is just adding fuel to the fire where trying to keep your activities “hidden” goes so to that end, those masked men aren’t helping matters when it comes to keeping your activities out of the public domain, so to speak. Now, believe it or not, props are given for those masked men putting on display the fact that Black men aren’t all that homophobic after all… and like nobody really knew this to begin with. I give them props for putting on display that many of them are bisexual and showing anyone who cares to watch that they also enjoy pussy – and totally debunking the myth that Black men don’t eat pussy, something I’ve always found hilarious since, um, I’ve always been a pussy eating fiend.

Maybe it’s just me, but the masking and other silly attempts to hide one’s face distracts from what’s going on; I see this stuff and all I can think about is, “Why are they wearing masks?” or “Do they know how silly they look?” as well as, “I don’t give a fuck who they are… and probably no one else does…” I know why they cover their faces and I know how ineffectual that really is and, again, if you don’t want the people who know you finding out that you’re an amazing cock sucker and/or you can take huge dicks in your ass easily, um, don’t video it because you really have no idea who is going to be watching it and will see something that’ll make them say, “Hey… I know him!” They don’t seem to realize that wherever they’re doing their “dirt” can also give them away whether they’re inside or outside and there are so many “elements” that can point to a location and something as simple as traffic noises or other such thing that I guarantee you that mask you have on ain’t doing shit about. Or those guys sucking dick on a bus or a train and the person video it, for some reason, pans around and I guess to show who’s paying attention and who isn’t… but stuff passing by the window could tell a lot about where this is happening and if you showed up somewhere on said bus or train, yeah, um, was that you getting your dick sucked by some guy wearing a mask?

Sigh. I understand why they do it and I do think it’s funny because, again, I know that if anyone really wanted to find out who’s under the mask, it can be done. Some women putting themselves on display often wear really pretty masks… and probably not thinking that someone might recognize it, you know, if they’ve seen it before but wearing a mask isn’t going to do shit about hiding her body and anyone who’s ever seen her naked will be able to identify her and more so if she’s got tats in places that can be seen with her being dressed. I know what they’re thinking but, being me, I don’t know what they’re thinking about trying to hide behind something that doesn’t do all that good of a job of keeping their identity a secret… and then they act like anyone really gives a fuck who they are to begin with and more so when they probably already know what you’re into even if you’re doing this to make money, which is becoming more and more prevalent. I don’t begrudge anyone from wanting to make money this way – you do what you gotta do – but if you’re doing this and trying to hide who you are, I’m here to tell you that it might not work as well as you think it is because even the color of the paint on a wall can be a dead giveaway.

And to tell you that a lot of people really don’t give a flying fuck who you are or what you’re doing so hiding your face is kinda pointless… but it is funny as hell. The most funniest one I’ve seen was a male cock sucker wearing – of all things – a full-body bunny costume – while sucking the hell out of a dick. I had to give it homey – no one would be able to guess who was in the suit… but the suit itself was a giveaway or could be because someone knew that you bought it and that someone just might happen to see your performance and remember the guy they sold it to. I’d think of such things but that’s me and I’m just the kind of person who’d think of these things and, yeah, find them terribly funny.

 
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Posted by on 16 July 2021 in Today's Bisexual Thoughts

 

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Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: By Any Means Necessary

Not quite sure why this popped into my head but as I was getting a nice, cold drink of water, I thought about all those folks who are clamoring and “protesting” for their right to be bisexual be recognized and, I guess, approved and accepted. I give them props for what they’re doing and it should be done…

Which doesn’t mean that there aren’t bisexuals out there being bisexual without bothering with arguing for their right to be bisexual and trying to convince the nonbelievers that bisexuality is very damned real and old heads like myself know that while there a lot of people looking at this as if it’s some new shit (and shit they now need to be concerned about), that’s not the case at all.

The bisexuals I know about tend to worry about how to do what they gotta do and many try to invoke the same dating rules that have been with us since forever and guys, in particular, ask about what one has to do to date a guy and many have invoked the “no sex on the first date” rule that women have stuck to since, well, forever. The “funny” thing about this is, well, we kinda don’t date each other in that sense or, to be truthful, when we arrange a meet with a guy – and usually in a public place and for coffee or lunch – in many male minds, this isn’t a date so much as it is a hook-up.

And there are a lot of guys, in particular, who aren’t fans of hooking up with a guy and they’re even funnier about casual sex – those chance situations where you just happen to run into a guy and find out that he’s down with the dick and he suggests that the two of you go somewhere to make dicks hard and get them soft again and chances are that the twains will never meet again even though it’s very possible that another go-round is possible.

I tell guys who are iffy about going on a hunt for cock that if you don’t “put yourself out there,” dick isn’t going to just magically appear for you and that they should, ideally, go about getting the dick they want and by any means necessary. It does not mean to get out there and be careless but what it does mean is to use any means at your disposal to do what you want to do. If you’re not willing to do the work it takes to get some dick, you’re not gonna get any. What tends to complicate this, in my very humble opinion, is that guys tend to look for a specific kind of guy who must meet a very specific set of conditions and other criteria and while there are guys who are looking – using the various apps and websites – more often than not, they come up empty handed and now they’re riffing about not being able to find a guy they can have sex with.

“By any means necessary,” I think, also includes looking at what you’re doing and making adjustments; whenever the guys on the forum go off about the apparent unavailability of dicks – and list the criteria they’re working with toward this goal – man, it’s often so detailed and locked in lead that it makes sense to me to simplify things either a little or, for some guys, a lot. Even my protégé and student often complains about not being able to find a guy he thinks would be okay and while you do want to select someone and be meticulous in the selection process to make sure homey isn’t an ax murder or something like that, the more complicated you make this process, the harder it is to be successful.

If you do nothing, you get nothing. Sure, we know about the fakes and flakes and it’s not easy to know this before the fact and because these guys do exist – and for whatever reason they do – I can understand getting miffed at being stood up or the guy in question, at the last moment and before a meet can be offered, decides that it’s not going to be in his best interest to do whatever the two of them had been talking about. It’s to be expected but a lot of guys allow running into fakes and flakes to bring their hunt to a halt and followed by a lot of complaining.

If you never fail, you never learn how to succeed. I can’t begin to count the number of times I’ve been stood up or the guy gets there and at some point decides that he can’t do whatever we had agreed to. Yep, it’s the bummer to end all bummers but it’s also part and parcel of trying to have sex with anyone and being male or female doesn’t really matter in this aspect. As Bill Cosby said in one of his routines, “You just keep running that play until you get it right.”

“The more they complicate the plumbing, the easier it is to stop up the drain.” This is a quote from a Star Trek movie and specifically “The Search For Spock.” Captain Scott had been assigned to the USS Excelsior and used this assignment to sabotage this newer ship so that Captain Kirk and company could steal the USS Enterprise, knowing that Starfleet was going to send Excelsior after them. The end result was the moment Excelsior prepared to go to warp to go after Enterprise, the ship just shut down and Enterprise got away. This is an… involved analogy but in this context, it refers to what I said before: The harder you make this, the greater the chance that you’re going to fail.

If you’re not willing to do what must be done – and keep at it – it’s pretty obvious what’s not gonna happen for you. I understand that there’s a lot of trepidation involved in this because even dealing with a guy from a site or app, you can’t be 100% sure that he’s who and what he says he is and you don’t know what’s really gonna happen once you meet but if you’re not willing or able to just be mindful of these things and be of a mind to protect yourself at all times, this particular “occupational hazard” will keep you on the bench for the duration.

It think that a lot of bisexuals, both male and female, are looking for that sure thing or Mr. or Ms. Right and are of a mind that Mr. or Ms. Right Now is a bad choice to make… but if you never make this choice, you’ll never know if it really was a bad choice, will you? If you are risk adverse – and a lot of people are – well, you’ve pretty much made sure that nothing is going to happen for you and, at least to me, it makes no sense to be so risk adverse and complaining about not being able to find someone, which makes me scratch my head because there are guys who also date women and don’t seem to understand that they’re taking the same risks.

If, in your pursuit for dick or pussy, you aren’t will to approach this with the mindset of doing it by any means necessary, nothing is going to happen for you. Then tack on the fact that a lot of people set the bar so high that if there’s another human being capable of reaching that high, good luck trying to find that person. Guys moan and groan over the very much dreaded “blow and go” and it amazes me that they really don’t know why this happens and are of a mind that it shouldn’t. I know that it does; I know why it does and learned not to be miffed about it and even more so when I will admit to have done the same thing on occasion. But if you’re not willing to accept the fact that this is, again, one of those “occupational hazards,” well, I guess you’re gonna keep being pissed off over something the other guy can’t do anything about… and probably the exact same thing you can’t do anything about.

If you get this… idea of how things are supposed to, I’d get rid of them. It’s not to say that whatever was agreed to isn’t going to happen as agreed but sometimes it doesn’t and the mistake a lot of guys make, I think, is only thinking about what they want to experience and not really paying much attention to how men behave when sex is on the table… and I don’t know why they don’t since, um, they’re guys, too. And if you’re not willing to deal with guys being guys, well, I suppose you’re always going to be disappointed that your dreams and fantasies are no more than that.

To be truthful, trying to have sex with anyone is one of those clusterfucks to end all clusterfucks; to be even more truthful, there’s a boatload of men out there who are more than willing to give it up and without conditions or expectations – just come over or let’s meet someplace so you can give them the dick and whatever happens, just happens. My protégé tends to “complain” about these guys for being so eager to provide what’s needed and while I can understand it to an extent, in my mind, if you’re looking for a guy to have sex with and you come across one who is pretty much begging for it, um, why not check him out? My protégé is loathe to do that… and so are a lot of other guys.

If you’re not willing to take advantage of these kinds of opportunities, take a guess at what you’re not going to be doing. Another saying comes to mind at this point: If it’s something you really want and need to do, you’ll find a way to do it… and if, by chance, you’re sitting on your ass waiting for society to accept the fact that bisexuality is real and so are bisexuals – and many of them are male – well, I hope your ass and legs don’t go numb while you’re sitting there waiting for the world to change. I applaud those who are out there and letting it be known that we exist; we’re real and, importantly, we’re no different from anyone else except how we like to have sex and otherwise be intimate. If you’re feeling some kind of way about what those who object to bisexuality has to say and you’re letting that bullshit influence you, my question is, simply, why are you listening to that shit?

“By any means necessary” also means keeping your own counsel about your sexuality so you can do what you need to do because if you don’t, you’re pretty much letting a bunch of clueless outsiders run your sexual life and, yeah, when they slam down the disease card, make no mistake: Those risks are real and they’ve always been real and ever since humans started having sex. “By any means necessary” also includes taking whatever precautions that are needed to make sure that you don’t wind up being a CDC statistic on their list of people affected and infected with sexually transmitted diseases. But if you’re gonna allow the very negative public opinion – and the opinion that those brave stalwarts are trying to change – make decisions for you, well, once again, take a guess at what you’re not going to be doing and complaining about not being able to do anything doesn’t make a lot of sense.

If you’re not gonna make it easier to do what you want to do, you ain’t gonna be doing it. Yeah, I get that people want what they want and in the exact way they want it and I even understand why… but that has long since been proven not to be all that effective and more so when you’re not the only one thinking like this. What they should be thinking is I want what I want and I’m gonna do whatever I gotta do to get it…

And by any means necessary.

 
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Posted by on 15 July 2021 in Today's Bisexual Thoughts

 

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Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: Is Morality in Danger?

Quite a few years ago, I was at a conference dealing with antispam/antimalware/antivirus and during the meet and greet portion of the evening’s festivities, people are milling around and gathering to talk shop and other things and as I was talking to a fellow Microsoft Exchange administrator about the growing number of users who were, against company policies, were opening mail and letting viruses loose in our complex systems, I overheard another group who, by the tone of their conversation, seemed to be worried about the continued existence of our morality.

I was hearing bits and pieces of things since, um, I was trying to listen without appearing to be listening and while discussing the best way to clear a stuck MTA without shutting a whole server down and the other group was bemoaning things like marriages becoming less about monogamy and those other values that were prevalent and mandatory way back in the 1950s and how there were couples living in sin – not being married or even thinking about it – and, yeah, having a bit of a hissy fit about blatant displays of overt sexuality and people just having sex with anybody they wanted to.

Oh… I wanted to bail from the conversation I was involved in and jump into the one I’d been eavesdropping on so bad it wasn’t funny! However, as fate would have it, one of the participants (crybabies in my mind) turned to me and asked me if I thought America was becoming more and more immoral and, well, let’s say that while I made a lot of new friends and associates at this conference, some of the people I was now talking to weren’t happy with the way I responded to the question by saying, “No, I don’t believe that’s true but people are discovering that our morality prevents them from exploring and enjoying life to the fullest extent possible.”

One guy said that he would have thought that I’d be more on board with that 1950s mindset since I was born in that time and I responded with, “What would make you think that? Just because I was born then doesn’t mean that I agree with the premises of the Moral Majority and people who, for all intents and purposes, chose to remain stuck in past concepts that no longer have any real bearing toward the here and now. Besides, everything changes and nothing is immune to change.”

One woman, who by her own admission hadn’t been born until the 1980s, started going off on the sexual revolution of the 1960s and how those “hippy perverts” and their wide-open and hedonistic sexual behaviors started a severe decline in morality… and I couldn’t stop the laughter from coming out and asked her what made her have that opinion about something that happened before she was born? It was a rhetorical question because I knew why – because someone from that generation who weren’t fans of the message spreading across the land at that time put that opinion in her head… and, yes, I had the utter gall to point that out to her and her fellow gripers… and she didn’t like that at all.

“I can understand with all that’s going on in the world that going back to the prevailing mindset of the 1950s seems desirable and necessary; things were… simpler back then but since I grew up in that time, I know that things weren’t all that simple or even moral – did you know that wife-swapping was America’s “dirty little secret” back then and that suburbia gained quite a bit of notoriety and as evidenced by the movie with Bob, Ted, Carol, and Alice? Many people were of a mind that the movie was an exaggeration of living in suburbia… and they were wrong about that because wife-swapping, back then, was a real and serious thing and more so when our morality at the time continued to prohibit every- and anything that would allow a couple to grow together and continue to be happy with each other.”

“It was all fine and dandy to only have sex with your wife and husband but many suburbanites found that while that was good, there had to be more to it than that, not to mention that clusters of people living in cookie-cutter neighborhoods were, indeed, being attracted to each other and to the point where sneaking around and having affairs was still a thing – and it had always been a thing way before the 1950s – well, why sneak around and do that when you could get together with your neighbors and have sex with each other out in the open?”

I had paused to take a sip of my slightly warm Coke and using that moment to take in the shocked looks among the participants… and kinda chastising myself for bitch-slapping them with something they may or may not have known about but also something that ran counter to their assessment that our morality, as we understand it, was in grave danger of becoming extinct. To the woman who started this thread – and now wishing she hadn’t – I said, “How do you know your parents weren’t all up in that? The thing is you don’t know and more so when a lot of ‘mandatory adherence’ to the tenets of morality at that time was, “Do as I say, not as I do!” As such, you guys are bemoaning the fate of morality and based on either lack of credible information or just because you’re just parroting stuff that you heard growing up.”

Well, hmm, she didn’t like that, either and left the conversation in a huff while shooting me some very dirty looks. A few more left the conversation but those who remained seemed to be interested in what I was saying. Morality, just like everything else, is subject to change; we just allow that it should never be changed and while a lot of people are content to exist within it’s rigid confines, many more have the nerve to question it and even more have even more nerve to step to the side in certain areas. I told them that (at that time) I would hear so many people who were enamored and longing for a period of time that was not only long past gone but was more idealistic than realistic and that you really can’t turn back the clock in that sense; the Moral Majority of the 1950s was what it was and for the reason it was… and that was then, this is now. Our morality, overall, is still very much intact and more so when there are still large numbers of people who continue to stick with it… and now, a great many more people who are finding reason to modify certain aspects of it to fit their own needs.

I had told this one guy that our collective moral compass wasn’t as broken as he insisted it was – it’s just pointing in a slightly different direction when it came to things like having sex and even sexuality and I mentioned that to him since he had been going on and on about homosexuals being both unholy and immoral… and I did mention that he was saying things that I had heard way back when I was a kid so he wasn’t saying anything that hadn’t been said before. He left the conversation in a huff, too – no one likes to hear that what they’ve always believed in isn’t something new and novel. To those who remained, I said that we’re not becoming immoral so much as the conditions under which that morality existed has changed… and morality, as we understand it, has remained static and unchanged and mentioned that famous line that those who refuse to change will be left behind.

“So, if my wife wanted to sleep with one of the neighbors, I should let her?” one guy asked.

“You should be able to talk about that,” I said. “Morality says she’d better not or else, right? But what if it made her a better wife to you and made her a better person and one who wasn’t all that miserable or otherwise unhappy? I know you ain’t feeling this and many would not because our morality says so… but that morality, by design, cannot and does not allow for change and, I hate to say it, there are a lot of people who ain’t feeling being trapped or stuck in place by a set of rules that, today, doesn’t make any sense to them. There are aspects of our morality that should remain as they are… but in this context? If you can have your cake and eat it, too, well, why not? If you can set aside the moral inhibitions to be able to express yourself in ways that you know are essential to who you are, well, why not? If you and your wife agree that some changes must be made to preserve the continuity of your love for each other and your relationship, who would dare to tell you how to run your marriage even if, by definition, whatever you two proposed is deemed to be immoral?”

Well, by the time we all sat down for dinner, I could feel those people who were in the conversation staring daggers into me and I just sat and smiled to myself. Our morality isn’t so much in danger of going by the wayside as it is how people are looking at it and many are seeing that if our morality can’t be changed, there are things they can do to bypass certain aspects of it to be able to express themselves sexually and even their sexuality – and while doing so within a modified moral framework. Today we see a lot of people standing up for their right to be bisexual and when not being heterosexual is immoral… which, bluntly, hasn’t done much to stop people from being bi or gay, has it, from individuals to those in committed relationships. Humans have always been… rebellious. Make a rule about something and someone will invariably go out of their way to break that rule… and just because and, indeed, we do say that rules are made to be broken. Not in a wholesale kind of way but broken just enough to make the undoable doable, like being bisexual or establishing an open relationship or even embracing polyamory.

I often find it funny how so many long for those days of the 1950s and like to hold up that “Ozzie and Harriet” and “Leave it to Beaver” stuff portrayed on television back then while. on the DL, our morality was continuing to have all kinds of holes poked in it… and it’s even funnier when a lot of people longing for those good old days weren’t even born and neither were their parents. I used to listen to my grandparents go on at great length at how the time they grew up in was so much better – in a lot of ways – than the way things were then but even they would acknowledge that people of their time and generation were as morally righteous as they should have been… and this is a rather circular argument, it seems, where the way things used to be just don’t hold water or a candle to the way things are now. Is morality in danger? Only in that sense that things that do not change do get left behind. True enough, our morality is much more than being about sex and sexuality and I’m not so much talking about those other things; our morality continues to insist that not being heterosexual is both immoral and a mortal sin as well as not being monogamous and being in relationships and not being married.

And while many, many people do things the way they’re always supposed to be done and based upon our morality, many, many people are finding that this ain’t working for them so much; they’re not throwing morality in the trash so much but they are changing some stuff up to fit the way they want and need to be where sex and sexuality are concerned; our morality has been… bent in certain ways to allow couples to be couples but allowing the freedom to be individuals as well; it’s being reshaped so that single folks aren’t as isolated as, perhaps, they once were and allowing them to be more social in certain ways and aspects that, say, being married is what our morality calls for. These aspects of morality aren’t being “destroyed” but the old ways are being left behind since those aspects have gone unchanged since their inception and so many are being responsible in their immorality… and as crazy as that might sound. These days, negotiated infidelity is a thing and one that works for a lot of relationships and, again, folks standing up and rejoicing in their bisexuality – and in the face of the continued moral resistance – is happening more and more every day… and our morality hasn’t changed one bit to accommodate these things… but people are.

In this, methinks we’re really seeing what happens when things that should be change don’t get changed and people are the ones doing the changing. Cityman always asks what we have to do in order for bisexuality – in particular – to be more socially acceptable and as I see it, we have to change our morality and our interpretation of it and that’s just not gonna happen any time soon but what is clear is that if our morality in these things isn’t going to change, people are going to change just the same; our morality in this tends to make and keep us static… and humans are very dynamic and, yeah, both innovative and creative. This aspect of our morality says what it says and, well, we just find ways around it without really breaking our moral compasses. Maybe one day our morality will make some much needed changes in this but until it does, people are going to effect change as they see fit while staying as true as possible to the other aspects of our morality.

And it remains true that those who refuse to change will be left behind because change is inevitable and as much as we try to slow down or prevent change, it just happens anyway.

 
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Posted by on 14 July 2021 in Today's Bisexual Thoughts

 

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Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: “Old” Guys

When I was in my early 40s – and as I recall – I was having my car serviced for an oil change and radiator flush and fill and as I stood at the window that allowed me to look into the service bay and see the work being done, there was another guy there waiting. At first glance, he appeared to be in his late 50s/early 60s, well-groomed and dressed and when he struck up a conversation, it was clear that he was well-educated and articulate.

As we talked about the general things in our lives – work, wives, children, etc., the conversation took a turn that I hadn’t expected but perhaps I should have know that something was “up” when he asked, “Do you mind if I ask you a question?”

I said that I didn’t and suddenly this very articulate older guy wasn’t all that articulate as he stuttered and stumbled through asking me if I thought there was something wrong with him because he found himself having – and as he put it – “A keen sexual interest in men.” I blinked, not that I felt some kind of way about being asked such a question but I didn’t expect or anticipate it and had no reason to. After I blinked a couple more times, I answered him, telling him that I didn’t think there was anything wrong about that because, generally, a lot of men find themselves with such an interest to which he nodded thoughtfully before saying that until recently – and he meant for the last month or so – he had never had such thoughts and feelings before.

The outcome of this particular conversation saw the two of us in a nearby hotel room and giving each other head until we were both spent, drained, and incapable of doing anymore. In between taking small breaks to recover, he was telling me that it just hit him one day that having oral sex with a man just made a whole lot of sense although, at the same time, that he even had the thought didn’t make a lot of sense. He asked me if this was normal and I honestly responded, “I don’t know.”

It wasn’t that I didn’t know that older men could be all into sex with other men but this was the first time I’d run into a situation where a guy wanted to be into it but never had any thoughts or inclination prior to reaching – and in this man’s case – his 60s. It seemed to me that since I hadn’t really heard of this before and because I assumed, and incorrectly so as it turned out, that if a guy was into it, he’s been into it for a while or had been wanting to for x-amount of time and finally being able to find someone to accommodate him, I was now seeing many occurrences of this and in rapid fashion. Up to this moment of revelation, I would insist that no man just woke up one morning and decided that today would be a good day to suck a dick… and given that I was now seeing a lot of this, I had to eat some serious crow and change my position about this and investigating this phenomenon was now in order since it also seemed that there were a lot of older men ranging from 50 to 70 who was interested in getting into my underwear and having their very first experience.

I learned that some of those men were in sexless relationships and putting this into perspective made sense although I initially thought that if the woman they were with wasn’t up to having sex with him, finding another woman who would be the way to go but in talking to these men, they acknowledged that they could take this route but many said that they thought and felt badly about cheating on her with another woman and, something I’d heard before, doing something with another man wasn’t really cheating. Other men had said that getting with another woman never crossed their minds… but getting some dick most certainly did and none of them could really explain why this crossed their mind. To confuse things even more, there were quite a few men I’d manage to run into who were having a great sexual life with their lady but the urge to have sex with a man was, as one man put it, “Very prominent in my mind and body.”

They didn’t seem to know where this urge came from or why it showed up to begin with and the majority of these fellows admitted that they had never “fooled around or experimented” when they were younger, making this even more confusing to me. It took me quite a while to begin to form a picture in my mind about this and saw – and was “reminded” in a duh-moment kind of way – about being male and having that drive to have sex and piecing in a known fact – but one I somehow managed to gloss over – that older men can be quite virile and not all suffered from erectile dysfunction and even if they did, it didn’t prevent them from doing things with other men (and I had proof of that) and after considering this, okay, it was starting to make more sense to me but the part I couldn’t figure out, both then and now, was…

Why men? What was going on that would make these older guys come to the conclusion that what they needed at this point in their lives was a nice, hard dick? And why did it make perfectly good sense? As I continued to investigate (and get propositioned by men old enough to be my father), some admitted watching porn… but not necessarily “gay” porn. One man told me that he was watching regular porn and as he masturbated while the woman on-screen was giving a blowjob, it just “popped into my head” that sucking cock would be – and was – the thing he needed to do. He had also said that the whole time he watched the porn, his attention was fixed on the man’s cock more than on the woman. I tossed his into the data I was accumulating and thought, okay, I can see how that could be an influence… but that didn’t cover those men who didn’t watch porn at all. Hmm… this was starting to get involved and to the point where, in my deliberations, I actually had to take a trip to the past and look at the many conversations I’d had with first-time guys who were in my age group and how quite a few of them had the “I need to get some dick!” thing going on and why they’d said that doing so just made sense… and it didn’t make sense.

Some of those contemporaries were deep in The Drought; they couldn’t get any pussy even if they tried to pay for it and, yeah, some guys had previously “experimented” and were returning to those days either because of The Drought or it just made sense to them that if they were horny, well, they didn’t need a woman to take care of that. But like those older men, some of those guys I encountered had never had a single thought about having sex with another guy until, somehow, it just “made sense” for them to do so. Indeed, I would often run into guys who were suffering some form of emotional distress, like getting dumped by a woman, losing a job (or the chance to get a job) and just feeling down in the mouth and the thing that “just made sense” to them was to not only have sex but to have it with a guy and, yeah, for many of them, they were hoping that I was that guy who’d be willing to accommodate them.

I began to seriously question what brings on bisexuality in men and started putting together my “theory” that not only was this normal – and since I’d grown up having sex with my male friends and acquaintances – but there must be some kind of… trigger that kicks in under a certain set of conditions or like it’s on a timer or something and just sitting there waiting for the right time and moment to go active and I was seeing a lot of examples of this kinda/sorta being the case but for the matter of why getting with a guy just made perfectly good sense? It couldn’t be as simple as having sex with guys being “really” that normal a thing… could it? Having read as much about the history of homosexual sex as I could find – and considering how far back a lot of that information went – I could see how the behavior could be “ingrained” in our male genetic makeup; I knew about that famous experiment done with flatworms where a flatworm was taught a trick and once it learned the trick, um, it got chopped up and fed to other flatworms… and now they could do the trick that first unfortune flatworm learned without having been actually taught it.

I had reasoned that since it was obvious that somewhere in our past, two guys somehow “figured out” they could have sex with each other and it “spread” to other males and now it just became a part of our genetic makeup or it was very likely that it always had been a normal way for those early humans to behave sexually. Kinda hard to prove this and I recall some time ago where scientists said that they thought they’d found “the gay gene” in our DNA but, last I heard, there was no confirmation that such a gene existed. Anyway…

Interacting in bisexual groups online were showing me that this… phenomenon wasn’t as much of an one-off kind of thing given the number of men 50 and older who had developed a taste for cock and, by their own admissions, “out of nowhere” and made even more discomfiting for them because getting some dick actually made perfectly good sense while, again, making no sense at all. I was seeing commonalities like sexless relationships, latent bisexuality going active in some guys as well as some men thinking that they’ve tried everything that can be done with a woman and it “made sense” to see what the hubbub was all about over the dick thing. Some men were dissatisfied with the sex they were having with women and some men said that they weren’t dissatisfied in this area but wanted/needed more sex but, still, turning to other men for this just made all the sense in the world even though there wasn’t one of these men who didn’t know – and as we all do – that we’re not ever supposed to want and have sex with each other – but they all knew about gay men.

On the forum, there are a lot of guys my age – as well as guys younger – who ask from time to time if it is, indeed, normal and natural for a man to get to a certain age and now he’s got a bad case of dick-on-the-brain and more so when they never “suffered” from this earlier in their life. Clearly, it is normal and natural… but I’ll be damned if I understand why making this choice feels so damned sensible – I just know that it does. It’s one thing when guys my age decide – and no matter the mechanism of their decision process – that if they experimented and fooled around in their younger days, well, “it’s time” to return to the party; they did it before so doing it now isn’t that big of a deal, you know, provided they can find someone else to do it with. That still doesn’t explain those guys who never fooled around and experimented and while some of them admit to going from watching straight porn to watching “gay” porn, well, that might be the trigger that gives them that wakeup call and some unseen process in their brains – and probably all of our male brains – says, “Yes – this make sense!”

I don’t know or understand how this really works and more so when there are a lot of us old guys who seem to get totally blindsided by this; they never did it before, never thought about doing it, etc., and now they have that overwhelming urge to have sex with men and not just as a substitute for having sex with women; I’d known for the longest time that some guys only get interested in dick when they can’t get any pussy and once they get some, their interest in dick hibernates, for lack of a better word.

I’m pretty sure that I will never find the answer to this… and even if there is one at all. I remember very well being with the man I opened this scribble with and how very nervous but determined he was; I remember him saying that it didn’t make sense to him but he had to do this and no matter how he tried to convince himself that he didn’t have to and wasn’t supposed to, that got overridden. He went from being unsure about going about sucking me one moment to doing it like he’d been at it all of his life scant seconds later. That didn’t surprise me all that much because I’d seen it so many times before but I recall during our first break, he was flat-out amazed that he just knew what to do… and, no, I didn’t bother to say anything about that other than truthfully saying that he did exceptionally well for his first time sucking and even swallowing. We did talk about his, ah, prodigious release, which he said not only ran over him like a speeding freight train but I had verified that, oh, yeah, he produced an impressive amount of spunk and I had allowed that for a lot of guys having their very first experience, it can be so exciting that being so… explosive was, in my experiences, pretty typical and usually because it’s so different to have a guy doing what he only thought and believed that women were supposed to only do.

We’d worn each other out and we just sat and talked about it; him because he definitely wanted to and me as part of my “process” of making sure he was as okay as he said he was and wasn’t going to have a meltdown later on. He said that a great weight had been lifted from him and that he had a great sense of fulfillment to have finally done the one thing he felt compelled to do but as he talked, I was hard at worked trying to figure out why he felt compelled to go this route instead of seeking out other women for sex.

I still don’t know. It just somehow makes perfectly good sense even when, for most guys, they had no reason to be thinking about this or, like some, were once totally against such behavior and for all the known reasons. This is the one area of male sexuality that I have no point of reference for since I was – and as I like to say – an early adopter and got in on the ground floor. I grew up with this so I don’t know what it’s like to have not grown up with it and then, for whatever reason, have it hit me like a ton of bricks that getting some dick is the thing I have to do and getting all the pussy I can get does nothing to make this go away. I’m fairly sure that lacking this important point of reference is inhibiting my ability to make sense of this or, more likely, it’s just something that’s an effort in futility and that if there is a “definitive reason,” it’s just beyond me and I’ll never figure it out… and maybe I’m just not supposed to be able to figure it out.

I just know that it happens. I know that it confuses a lot of men my age or older and sometimes shows up in men and as early as their 40s or, yeah, the much-heralded “mid-life crisis” we’ve all heard about. It could be possible that there comes a point in our lives where we realize that the clock is running against us and our time could be cut short at any moment and as evidenced by that bucket list thing that has become a thing and creating a list of things to do and while there’s still time and ability to do them. I remember a story that Cityman told me about a man retiring from the Navy and at his retirement party and during his speech, he said something about being totally pissed off to find that he should’ve sucked at dick way before now. I know I haven’t relayed it properly and it was funny and pointedly so but, yeah, you would have had to hear it when I heard it to get the full gist of it. The thing I had asked myself – and after I stopped laughing – was, “What made him think that now was a good time to find out what it was like to suck a dick?”

I still don’t know. I may never know. I just know that it happens… and happens a lot. Whether the guy actually gets around to doing it is something else… but the compulsion is there just the same.

 
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Posted by on 12 July 2021 in Today's Bisexual Thoughts

 

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Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: What Does It Take?

There are so many people who don’t seem to understand why bisexuals are the way they are. When you hear those who are opposed to anyone who isn’t straight, it’s the same tired-ass rhetoric I know I’ve spent a lot of my life hearing around what a man or a woman is supposed to do and that there’s no reason or excuse for not doing those things… and those who say this are pretty clueless about some certain realities.

I’ve heard, “There’s plenty of women who’d love to have sex with you!” and, of course, they’re right about that and, um, I’ve had sex with a lot of women which has nothing to do with having sex with men… because it’s sex – duh. The people who tend to say stuff like this are also the people who haven’t gotten to the point where they’re not getting any coochie and if, by chance, they’ve felt the pull “toward the middle of things,” they ignore it or they think that the way to make it go away is to get more pussy or dick (if you’re a woman, of course) and that’ll make it all better. Sometimes that does work… and for many, it just doesn’t.

Those same people have no idea what it takes to make the decision to straddle the fence. Some do because, why not; some do because they’ve been made celibate and/or when it comes to being lucky with the ladies/fellas, if it wasn’t for bad luck, they wouldn’t have any luck at all. Some men and women have been so badly “traumatized” by straight sex that they just might start to wonder if there’s more to having sex than what they’ve been experiencing and, yeah, if the grass is greener on the other side. Some do because while straight sex is still very much satisfying to them, it’s “not enough” and I do not mean in that “all bisexuals are greedy” way everyone pitches a bitch about; think of them as being sexual “thrill seekers” because having sex is such a thrill for them that it’s not uncommon for someone like this to think, “Is this all there is to having sex?” then realize that, hmm, there is that other way to have sex and then think that checking it out might be in order.

It takes a great deal of courage. It takes being able to own up to the fact that they’re responsible for their sexual satisfaction and that handing that responsibility off to someone else – which is what we tend to do – is not paying the dividends that sexual dogma says it does. Or, as I said to a woman a lot of years ago, “If you’re not gonna have sex with me, who’s supposed to?” and her answer was, “No one is.” It takes being able to make what can be the hardest decision of your life and in the face of the ongoing derision over anyone who isn’t 100% straight and that tired-assed bullshit that people are either straight or gay… and that’s never been true.

It takes being able to override and then break the social conditioning and while some find this easy to do, many find that it’s one of the hardest things to just think about. What you know is that not everyone is straight but what that conditioning is telling them is, “You better not even think about going there!” I grew up hearing that guys who liked having sex with guys were just girly and not manly at all but when you dig down deep and look at what it takes for someone to have sex in this way, yeah – it takes a lot more manly shit than most people can imagine and, yes, women have had to deal with a similar bunch of dumb shit and being reminded that since they have the pussy, they can pick and choose to give it to any man and bend him to her will and all that stuff but even for the ladies, eh, sometimes, dick isn’t enough and as one woman told me, “You get tired of having some 200-pound motherfucker twisting you up like a pretzel and hammering away at you and thinking that what he’s doing is making you feel the way you wanna feel.”

She made a good point and just as those guys who can’t get laid even by the person who’s supposed to lay them has a good point… and it takes a lot to get to the point where something has to be done and matters have to be taken in hand and, yeah, by any means necessary. It’s not a decision that one makes lightly but I’ll put it in a slight paraphrased way that I heard a long time ago: A lack of pussy/dick can make a motherfucker do some crazy-assed shit. And a part of that “crazy-assed shit” is having homosexual sex. There are a lot of generalized reasons why someone would want to do this but just like everything else about bisexuality, the devil is in the details and if you want to know what someone went through to be able to have sex in this way, you’d have to ask them… and, who knows? They just might tell you.

It takes a lot and that’s being very nice about it. If you were an early adopter (and as I was), eh, making the decision to go for it might not be all that difficult although the social conditioning has already been installed but since, at the younger ages, all that stuff doesn’t make a whole lot of sense, when presented with an opportunity, going for it might not be all that difficult although it can be – the devil, again, is in the details. I’ve observed that those who are “late to the party” have the hardest time with this and determining what it’s gonna take to make this happen isn’t even close to being a no-brainer; being late to the party means being able to override years or decades of deeply ingrained social conditioning and the associated behaviors… to be able to do the one thing that no one should ever have reason to do: Have sex with a man/woman.

Not only does it take a lot of intestinal fortitude to make this decision, it takes even more to actually do any or all of that stuff one might be thinking about; again and again, this is most definitely one of those things that proves that thinking and doing aren’t the same things. I’ve seen so many say that they think they can do it… and I’ve seen them freeze up and totally freak out being in the moment of truth. What most people don’t know is that when this happens, it’s an emotional reaction more than it is anything else and it’s a form of fear and one that’s part of the social conditioning we all receive… and it is insidious like you wouldn’t believe until the moment of truth is staring you in the face and literally so.

When people have asked me what it’s gonna take for them to be able to have sex like this, it usually tends to lock my brain up because there’s no easy or simple answer to that. It’s not that I don’t know because I do know it… and I know that what it’s gonna take is different for everyone and depends on a lot of other things to be at work. You can’t – or really, shouldn’t – just tell someone, “Just go for it!” You could… and I’ve heard some people say that this is exactly what they were told… and the results are mixed but leaning more toward it being the worst decision they ever made; it sounded like a good idea and turned out to be a very bad one.

I will sometimes answer that question with a question: What price do you have or have put on your sexual happiness and do you think you can afford it? Followed by, “If you think that you can’t afford it, don’t even try to do it.” It does kinda/sorta boil down to what is it worth to you to be able to express yourself in this way? Do you wanna know what some – most – people think about at this point? If you guessed, “What everyone who knows them is going to say about them…,” you got it right. That’s normal for them to think more about this than what it is that they need and whether the need is purely physical or about the emotional connection or both.

It takes a lot more than most people can imagine and it is daunting… and we have our rather juvenile attitude about sex to thank for how difficult it can be and the continued belief that sex in this way shouldn’t be done… which never means that it can’t be done since, um, people are doing it all of the time and everywhere in the world and have been doing it all along the history of our species. This is intelligence at work but, again, what it’s gonna take is so emotion-laded that one’s intelligence can get swamped and if I’ve learned nothing else, it’s that logic doesn’t do well against emotion and gets all into that, “Yeah, but…” stuff I’ve been talking about.

Again, that means that they intelligently understand what they’re being told about it but emotionally? The attempt to break the social conditioning tends to do a number on those who are trying to break the chains that are in place… and it is daunting and often thought to be impossible except, um, your intelligence tells you for a fact that it is possible, but…

Some people get interestingly conditional about this and many can, in fact, tell you what would have to happen for them to make such a decision and, yeah, it gets funny in that a lot of people who can do this often speak to situations or conditions that they think can never happen and, yep, they often get totally and completely blindsided or wind up being totally baffled when those situations and conditions have been met… and, oh, boy, can this really fuck up some shit inside their heads? It most certainly can and even more so when it all goes down and there’s that moment that says to them, “This wasn’t as bad as I thought it was!” and before that other moment where their social conditioning kicks back in and asks, “What the fuck did you just do and why?”

Yeah… it takes a whole lot to embrace bisexuality and none of it is easy. However, there’s this… thing about us where we have the ability to justify anything that we might do and, no, it’s not really “making excuses” for one’s “bad behavior” in this and can be anything from classically blaming it on the alcohol, being emotionally “weak,” and right along with “shit happens.” And, yeah, sometimes speaking the truth to themselves by saying that they needed this and deserved it and followed by a list of things that “verifies” how and why they deserved to be sexually satisfied.

I bring this up – and as I tend to do a lot – because we – society – are more focused on what bisexuals do and then only one side of the equation but then giving some pretty far-fetched “reasons” as to why one would want to be bisexual and I’ve heard some doozies over the decades but even in this, few if any people ever really speak to what it takes to be bisexual and the tremendous internal battle that takes place when one is trying to figure out for themselves what it’s gonna take. Some of us have felt this way all along and just go with it but many have to come up with a reason to and, nope, that’s not as “simple” as telling yourself, “Because I want and need to” or, when someone asks me why I am the way I am and doing what I’m doing and I tell them, “Because I can.” Very damned easy for me to say this because I’ve pretty much always been like this but recognize that for so many others, nope – it’s not easy to figure out what it’s gonna take to do something you know you want and need to do when everything else inside you head is yelling and screaming at you not to do it.

What does it take? Being able to break the social conditioning and being able to both see and understand that what’s driving and powering the conditioning is a bunch of stuff that your intelligence can tell you isn’t the whole truth of this having sex thing. That invasive and insidious conditioning sets the price for your sexual satisfaction and sets it so high that most people can’t afford it… or they’re pretty sure they can’t and, yeah, many will not want to pay it because our fear of loss is pretty daunting, too. For many, the benefits just do not outweigh the risks but I tend to liken this to some prescription medications that have a long list of side effects and adverse reactions and despite those things, a doctor will prescribe them because while the risks exist, the benefit of taking it is, well, worth it and more so when those effects/reactions can be dealt with.

Just trying to agree with this premise is a hard thing to do… and so is even thinking about breaking the social conditioning. The fact is that people do break it and enough for them to be able to do whatever they wanted/needed to do or they just throw it away and keep it moving. That doesn’t mean they’re wholly immoral or anything like that; all they did was remove or get around that part of the conditioning that tells us how we’re supposed to have sex when, again, we know good and damned well that the way isn’t the only way.

It just takes a whole lot. Whether it’s going to be easy or the hardest thing ever done depends on the individual and what’s going on with them that has gotten them to this moment… and it could literally be anything. I’ve heard so many personal stories that if I tried to list everything that those people found it to take to become bisexual, I would be writing for years on end… so, no, not gonna even try to do that but, yeah, I do know what it takes and has taken for a lot of people and it’s just not the same “across the board.”

Whew.

 
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Posted by on 9 July 2021 in Today's Bisexual Thoughts

 

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Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: Things to Be

Be patient. It’s not easy to find someone you can explore your bisexuality with. I think one of the “mistakes” a lot of bisexuals make in this is being very explicit about what they want to experience and setting the bar high but not establishing a minimum set of requirements that, if nothing else, provides a much broader selection to check out. As many have found out, looking for someone online can be a crapshoot and will test one’s patience having to look through, investigate, and weed out any true undesirables… and when you’re trying to do this without getting caught doing it, it makes the process even harder. Still, it remains true that if you don’t do any work to find someone, you’re not going to find someone and leaving things to chance – and because you never know who you will come into contact with – can be just as iffy and rife with “issues” because you’re not the only one trying to find someone and not the only one feeling a lot of trepidation in this.

Be diligent. Not only does this mean to keep working at fulfilling your desires, it also means that you have to always do everything you can think of to make sure that this person is the one you want to get sexually and maybe even emotionally involved with. Or, as the saying goes, “Trust, but verify.” While there’s nothing wrong with gauging people by their appearance and their attractiveness, I like to say that you should look beyond that which you can easily see or, as I told someone a long time ago, just because it looks good doesn’t means it is good and that particular person, as well as so many others I personally know about, learned to see with better eyes and not be quick to judge a book by its cover.

Be confident. This is a tough one and especially for “brand new” bisexuals. First, if you don’t have confidence, you have nothing; if you don’t believe in yourself, well, who’s supposed and going to? I remember a couple of lines from the movie, “Independence Day” where Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith were talking before their mission to the mothership. Jeff asked Will, “Can you really fly this thing?” and Will countered with, “Can you do all that bullshit you just said?” As it turned out, they both could even with a lot of uncertainty mixed in for dramatic effect. Just don’t think you can do this: Know that you can and know that you will be able to do that stuff you’ve been thinking about. Easier said than done? It most certainly is but you can take this to heart and as the gospel truth: Many people have done this and as you read this, someone is doing it right now and for the first time, too.

Be fearless. This is not ever to be confused with being careless or anything like that. There’s a lot to this to genuinely be afraid of and we have a tendency to always look at situations in the worst case way of things as well as projecting fearful thoughts in anticipation of something that hasn’t taken place. There are those who say that they’re not afraid of this or that and I’ve always believed that if you’re not afraid, you’re not paying attention as much as you should be; likewise, there are those who will allow their fears to paralyze them into inaction and being indecisive and it’s not all that easy to be somewhere in the middle of the two extremes. It’s okay to be nervous and even anxious and there’s nothing to be ashamed of if/when you are; I’ve been at this a very long time and I still get very nervous before every encounter… but never fearful.

Be flexible. By this, I mean one should be willing and able to adapt and adjust to, well, anything that might happen. We talk about about the fluidity of bisexuality but not how inflexible many of us are and the “mistake” made here is to set one’s mind that something is going to take place and in the exact way they want it to and expecting the other person to comply with this when, um, people, when caught up in the heat of the moment, can be very unpredictable and subject to change faster than you can blink. It’s okay to have your list of what you will and will not do and one’s boundaries should always be respected… but always keep in mind that shit tends to happen when you don’t want it to and definitely when you least expect it. We live in a world “dominated” by instant gratification: I want what I want when I want it and in the exact way I want it and without exception… and while that’s all well and good, just know that people really don’t work like that and even more so when lust is wide open and redlined and doesn’t lend itself well to thinking all that much or at all.

Be informed. This can be a tough one and especially with those who are, bluntly, afraid of catching something nasty. As part of being diligent, take the time to read up on the medical facts of the various STDs as well as HIV/AIDS; know the signs and symptom and commit them to memory. You can require medical proof of being disease free but I’m going to tell you something about this that I don’t think I’ve ever seen written: Just because you got tested three months ago, that only means that three months ago, you got a clean bill of health but if you’ve had sex after you got the lab results back, well, think about that for a moment. The inherent problem with this is a lot of people will not ask a doctor to check for the bad stuff and they’re almost pathologically afraid of (a) seeing a doctor and (b) telling a doctor that they’re bisexual. You would think that a doctor would just “automatically” check for these things when they know that you’re sexually active; the truth is that they don’t unless you complain to them about something not being quite right or, during an examination, they see something that has to be checked out.

Do not give a lot of weight or credence to the horror stories… but do not do what a lot of people do and get to thinking that it couldn’t happen to you. Sexually transmitted diseases have been with us since we started having sex and it’s a risk we all take and no matter who we’re having sex with or how well we know them. Know that with some of them, there are no visible or noticeable symptoms and also depending on whether you’re male or female – but a blood test will reveal all and if something’s been found – and even something as “simple” as a yeast infection – it can be treated and with the emergence of PrEP in the battle with HIV, getting on it is a good precaution to take. The thing is that you have to be able to trust doctors and don’t be ashamed to let them know about any concerns you have about your sexual health. Insurance can be an issue for some and part of being informed is knowing where you can go to get a checkup at little or no cost to you. The best way to avoid catching something nasty is to not have sex at all and the second best way is to make use of the preventative methods that are available like condoms and oral dams.

And if you go to reliable sources like the National Institute of Health and the CDC, don’t read anything into what you can find there other than what’s actually there – and don’t try to put your own spin on things. The one that makes me roll my eyes is how men get all in a tizzy because the CDC said that if you suck cock, there’s a 4% chance of catching an STD or HIV and they pay so much attention to that… and just overlook the fact that there’s a 96% chance that you won’t. Sigh. In this, there are those who’d have you believe that if you have sex in the same-sex mode, you will be infected and that’s just not the truth; it could happen but not if you take every precaution you can up to and including saying, “No, thanks…” if you have the slightest doubt or concern that the other person may not be as healthy as they say they are. Know the signs. Know the symptoms and, yes, trust, but verify and if you can do neither, do nothing.

Be yourself. This one tends to mess with some bisexuals and thinking that they have to be something other what they’ve always been, well, except for the sexuality part of things. The only thing that’s “different” about you is you now have a broader picture of what sex can be like but it’s a picture that makes some bisexuals “act weird” because they feel that there’s two different “lives” that they’re now living… when it’s really only one life… and the same one you’ve been living all along. Your daily routines are still the same; you go to work or to school and all that other stuff you normally do but, yeah, when it comes to having sex, well, as they say, you have options and I kinda hate saying it that way. Bisexuality changes a person in quite a few ways and those changes do take a bit of time to get adjusted to but the key to being bisexual is… to be yourself.

Bisexuality just isn’t a thing to do: It’s a way to be and a lot of being bisexual has nothing to do with having the sex but you will see a lot of things differently or notice things that you may not have noticed before and sometimes this new outlook can have a profound effect and, well, you kinda “stop” being who you were in order to be who you are now, not because of what you’re doing but because of the way you’re thinking and feeling. What surprises people about this is a “silly expectation” that you are and can be totally consistent in your behaviors… and people don’t really work like that. Yes, we are creatures of habit but we just forget that anything can come along to change some stuff about us – and bisexuality is one of those things; the changes can be subtle or it’s like you’re wearing a hot pink sign somewhere that’s screaming at anyone who’s perceptive enough that, hey – I’m bisexual!

If someone happens to ask you what’s different about you, it’s decision time: Do you tell them… or do what many do and say that there’s nothing different about you. This is the area where I’d not even try to “advise” or “suggest” a way to deal with this – that’s always going to be a judgement call that’s yours to make but if it helps, I deal with this particular situation on a need to know basis… and some people just do not need to know and, trust me: You will definitely know those folks who don’t need to know. Still, bisexuality can induce such changes in a person that many find that they have to re-invent themselves a little or a lot to accommodate this new perspective and aspect of their lives but no matter what you do or even don’t do about any of this, the key is to still just be yourself.

Be inquisitive and curious. This means that when you have a bunch of questions in your mind about this, go looking for the answers. Not everyone has the good fortune of having someone they can talk to about this but there are a lot of good and reliable sources to get the answers to any questions you may have. There’s really no such thing as a stupid question… but there are stupid answers and most of them are provided by those who, bluntly, have no idea what they’re talking about or quick to hit you with something they heard from a friend of a friend of their cousin’s uncle’s cousin and then assume that whatever they heard is the gospel truth… and it usually isn’t except it was something that happened to that particular person and the person saying this has no personal point of reference; I wouldn’t go ask someone who isn’t bisexual what it’s like to be bisexual, to put a fine point on it.

Ask questions. Find the answers. I’ve been asking the questions and finding the answers for a long time – and I’m still asking them and finding answers and in this, knowledge is power and it’s better to know something than to not know it. Look at it like this: In school, I learned algebra, geometry, physics, and calculus and with the thought firmly in my mind that it didn’t make sense for me to learn this crap because I was never going to use it… until I realized that I use them every day and, most of the time, without even thinking about it. Asking questions and finding answers to them is kinda like this and, I think, is key to one becoming comfortable with being bisexual because it’s not what you know that can be a problem – it’s what you don’t know that tends to bite people in the ass. The other thing is that you actually don’t have to know “all of the answers” – you just gotta know who does have an answer to something or where you can find it.

Sigh. There are probably a whole lot of “things to be” about bisexuality that I’ve not written here and because there’s so much to this that even I don’t remember every little thing to be. Maybe what I’ve written today can help someone or maybe it won’t but I remain the bisexual guy who will put this out there… because someone has to. The thing that gives some bisexuals major problems is no one bothers to tell them these things but they’re quick to tell you how fucked up you are for being something you’re not supposed to be so, yeah, if no one else will tell you about this, I will.

 
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Posted by on 8 July 2021 in Today's Bisexual Thoughts

 

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Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: Which Brings Me Back To…

…the worst possible situation: Being bisexual and married and this includes being in a relationship given that the same rules apply.

So messy that there’s not enough toilet paper in the world that can clean it up. At the root of the problem isn’t just the sexuality issues but also the way things are supposed to be and being prevented from enacting change which makes being in a relationship more static than dynamic even though we’re told that one of the “benefits” of being in a relationship is the potential for growth, together and individually. Yet another of those premises that for some, it works and for some, they don’t really get a chance to grow in that sense because being monogamous and in a relationship is often both misinterpreted and controlled by whomever is dominant in the relationship and whatever happens – and what ain’t gonna happen – is based on their singular view of what being in a relationship means.

Changes are not always welcomed and changes in sexuality are welcomed even less and then there’s the ugly situation where someone has been bisexual way before they even knew their current partner existed and it winds up coming into the light and, well, to say that things get ugly doesn’t really describe how bad it can be. You not only have to deal with whatever negativity the other person has about sexuality but whether your were bi before the fact or something you discovered about yourself after the fact, you are now the worst person who ever had the nerve to be born, you lying, cheating so and so.

This is the point where I say that this… revelation doesn’t always go south but, yeah, it usually does and the one aspect even I have had to endure is the very curious thing where something about me winds up being all about them which says some disturbing things about what and how people think when they’re in a relationship and invariably, it seems, someone is of a mind that the relationship is all about them and not about “us” and as we’ve been told it should be. I’ve seen and experienced the nicest person turn into a “mad dog that needs to be put down” and whether this revelation gets revealed because it “just happened” or, again, someone has been this way all along.

There’s the rules of monogamy and all that “forsaking all others” and “letting no one put asunder” stuff which, I guess, idealistically makes sense but also doesn’t seem to allow for the fact that people do change and people really don’t stop being who- and whatever they were before getting into a relationship although it is generally implied that whatever you had going on before the fact, well, that’s gonna stop right here and now. You’ve now forfeited your family and friends, any or all hobbies or other things you like to do and even any future plans you had for yourself and anyone who has ever been in a relationship knows that I’m not making this shit up because it’s something they’ve experienced in one form or another.

Sure, being in a relationship does put one on a different path and all that… but a path that for many has no room for change or allows for discovery, whether it was something before the relationship formed or something that has occurred after it did… like bisexuality. If it was a before the fact thing, why didn’t you say something about it? Well, that’s kinda easy because it is very well known that some folks don’t react well to knowing about something like that and such a thing has been deemed to be a lie of omission which, personally, I kinda have a problem with because the people making this accusation never seems to take into consideration that if something like this wasn’t revealed right up front, they had a reason not to and including the accused believing that since they got themselves “under control,” there was no need to mention it and, yeah, one reason not to mention it is because it can kill a potentially good relationship before it even gets started. I’ve been called a liar and a cheater and even gay when I decided that this was something they needed to know about me since, um, when you’re in a relationship, part of the deal is learning all there is to know about the person you’re with, always being truthful and the insistence that there be no secrets between us.

You get your head handed to you enough times over this and “common sense” says to just stay quiet about it or, as I have done, it’s a litmus test; if I tell you that I’m bisexual and always have been and you lose your shit about it, then we have no business being with each other and you don’t get to tell me that I can’t be what I’ve always been because you don’t think it’s right… and even more so when you wind up dealing with someone who makes it clear that you have no choice but to accept them as-is and, yeah, for better or worse… but accepting you under those same as-is terms? Yeah, that’s not happening and now they’re “well within their rights” to take you to task and if the shoe happened to be on the other foot, well, what do you know? You don’t have any right to take them to task for anything about them that you didn’t know about or don’t necessarily agree with.

I have known so many couples who have ended with catastrophic results because someone discovered their bisexuality after the relationship began and, sadly, violently. The more I saw this, the more it became clear to me that not only is the way they think about being in a relationship is at fault, being monogamous and how that’s interpreted has a lot to do with this as well, not that someone is cheating so much but because monogamy really doesn’t allow for the fact that people change or, people are dynamic but being in a relationship is really a lot more static and supposedly, unchangeable. And in almost every instance that I know of, the bulk and gist of the conversation has always been about how offended and hurt the person hearing about this is and the accusations of infidelity are flying all over the place and the truth that no infidelity took place or was even thought about is summarily rejected as yet another lie.

What would you do if you found out that your wife/girlfriend liked girls?

Yep, been there, done that… and accepted it whether it was before or after the fact because unlike a lot of other people, the one thing I learned about this situation is that anything reveal about this is about them and not necessarily about me and given my own bisexuality, I very well understand why someone would keep this to themselves or, if they’re showing signs of being or having been bisexual, categorically denying it because the fear of loss is pretty damned powerful.

Would you accept it if you weren’t bisexual yourself?

I’ve been asked that question (a lot) and the answer is yes, I would because, um, why wouldn’t I? Now we get into all that being in love stuff and what it means to love someone and, yeah, for better or worse even if marriage licenses aren’t involved. It’s either who you were before we met or now, and for some reason that has yet to be talked about, it’s how you are now. Yes, it begs the question of what does this mean for us and in many such situations, it usually means that the relationship is over which doesn’t make a whole lot of sense and more so when – and before any of this came into the light – the relationship was doing very well. We get all into talking about being honorable and the like but there are way too many times when this has come up in a relationship and that whole thing about “for better or worse” – and even when it is implied for those who aren’t legally married – gets thrown right out of the window which means one of us is a bigger “liar” and less honorable than the other. It’s funny that we always want each other to stick and play by the rules but when the shit hits the fan, one’s honor can easily be set aside and instead of sticking with each other for better or worse, it’s over, you lying, cheating pervert and how could you do this to me?

This is a real-deal aspect of bisexuality that those who are in great favor of bisexuality being socially accepted don’t talk much about and even when they do, their solution to this clusterfuck to end all clusterfuck is to deem the person who is now known to be opposed to such things as unworthy of being with you and getting away from them post haste and even if it means throwing away a good relationship. So much for one’s personal honor or sense thereof. There’s a reason why, in this situation, there’s more talk about domestic violence and other abuses because they do, in fact and sadly so, happen and if I have to explain to you why things go down the drain in this way, well, shit, I don’t know what to say about that. The sad facts of things is that there are both men and women who “religiously” believe in something that they – and if they were as grown up as they purport themselves to be – shouldn’t believe and many men and women do behave very, very badly to have their beliefs challenged in this way and it’s your fault and now you gotta pay the price for upsetting their apple cart when, truth be told, the fault is their own for, again, believing something that they shouldn’t have believed to begin with.

What the people bringing this up doesn’t tell you – and often won’t tell you – is that when bisexuality in someone has been reveal, the worst doesn’t happen. Yeah, feelings might get hurt to some degree but if the couple is bound by love and as they’re supposed to be, this doesn’t become a problem and instead of proposing an immediate cessation of the relationship, the question is, “What do we do about this?” or “What do you wanna do about this?” or some more positive thing instead of, “I’m going to beat you within an inch of your life and stop… or not.”

Like I said earlier, this revelation doesn’t always end in disaster and any “further action” isn’t always warranted or even needed because this was/is something that you had to know about because I love and trust you with knowing this and, yeah, I believe 100% in us so, if nothing else, you just and only learned something about me and, yeah, even if you learned it later rather than sooner… because one doesn’t always easily and immediately just trust anyone with their deepest and most personal “secrets.” There are couple who just go with it and even have conversations about how this revelation fits into their lives now and going forward and it’s not always about doing something about it but, yeah, sometimes it is and that’s not necessarily a bad thing unless you really do believe that strictly adhering to the tenets of monogamy means that it’s “illegal and immoral” to change some stuff up so that the two of you can remain together and happy with each other. Many find that having a bisexual among them opens up a lot of things for personal growth for them and growth that, again, monogamy doesn’t account for or, depending on interpretation, doesn’t allow.

There is, in my opinion, nothing worse than being bisexual and in a relationship. The rules cement people in place and makes them static and some folks can get so… “Old Testament” about this and that includes those who aren’t all that religious – even those folks know what religion mandates in these things and they sure as hell know about the “crime” and sin of not being straight. And then, to make the whole thing even worse, there is no definitive way I know of to prevent good relationships from going down the drain because of this because in order for this to happen in some unimaginable broad kind of way, that means we’d have to stop believing in something that is the whole truth and a version of “the truth” that was, in fact, designed to stop and/or suppress us from being… human and, depending on how you wanna look at it, takes away your right to self-determination and calls for you to sacrifice all that you are or could be and, again, in favor of a premise that doesn’t allow it.

What should one do in this situation? It’s a judgement call, to be honest. You can tell your partner about this and hope that they are the person you believe them to be and it’s not going to change anything… or you know for a fact that they are the person you believe them to be and telling them will bring all manner of hell upon you and more so when most people believe that thinking and doing are the same things. What do most people do? They say nothing about it or, if they do, they allow themselves to be “beaten down” and sometimes literally do and made to comply with the way their partner wants them to be. Some do say, “Fuck this shit!” and leave the relationship and even if for their own continued safety. Yes, some embrace infidelity because it’s always better to beg forgiveness than to ask permission even though ya might not ever be forgiven for being so dishonorable while revealing your own dishonor by not staying true to “for better or worse” and whether you’re married or not.

Some do ask for permission and some actually get it… with conditions but on the whole, there are many who’ve asked for permission and have been denied and told to never bring this up again or else. What those objectors don’t know or even care about is how this will affect the person being rejected… and it’s never in a good way and, yes, lends itself to the statement that bisexuals are more prone than anyone else to being clinically depressed because, yeah, it’s some seriously fucked up shit to find out that the person who said they loved you didn’t love you enough to accept this about you and all they cared about was how this made them feel all betrayed and other such things.

And I’m the bisexual guy who’ll say something about this because like so many others, I’ve been there and done that and, yes, to the extent that I have told many that if they can’t deal with me being what I am in this and they wanna leave, there’s the door – don’t let it hit you in the ass on your way out. And, yeah, you just let me know about some shit going on about you that proved that if you’re calling me a liar, you’re just as much of a liar as you said I am and our love didn’t mean shit to you and you obviously didn’t believe in us as much as you said you did. That, methinks, says much more bad shit about you than it does about me and the sad part is that most people who react badly to this aren’t even aware of what they just revealed themselves about who they really are.

We need to be better about this; we need to understand that the rules of monogamy, at best, are an idealistic guideline more than the implied fact of life we take them to be. We have to be able to grasp and understand that any relationship is only going to be as good as we both can and want to make it for ourselves and that this particular revelation or change in someone – and someone you love dearly and the two of you have been wonderful together – that if the rules have to be modified, then so be it… and a lot of couple are choosing to modify the rules rather than to throw everything away. Do you continue to honor the premises of being in a relationship… or each other and the love you both professed to have for each other and, really, do you believe the premises and not the stated “fact” that love conquers all?

Some do believe this… and many do not and, again, friends, that should tell you some very disturbing things about us and, yeah, maybe even yourself. A lot of people are “okay” with this… as long as it’s happening to someone else. I’ve heard many say, “This shouldn’t have made the break up if they loved each other as much as they say they did!” and, yep, they’re right on the money about that and right up until it happens to them… and now this is some seriously fucked up shit and shit that is never to be allowed or tolerated, you lying sack of shit – how dare you do this to me and then have the fucking nerve to tell me how much you love me when it’s clear that you don’t?

I’m not saying that just to be saying it… because I’ve heard it and have had it said to me more times than I care to think about. Being in a relationship of any kind just does not allow for change and no matter what that change happens to be – it’s just that when the change is bisexuality, man, talk about seeing someone’s true colors and finding out who they really are? This will most definitely do it… and I’m not talking about the bisexual in the mix.

 
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Posted by on 7 July 2021 in Today's Bisexual Thoughts

 

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Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: Are Bisexuals Likely to be Polyamorous?

Well, yeah, given the nature of being bisexual. It’s one of those almost “duh” kind of things where one can reasonably assume that if you can have sex with anyone – male or female – you can be in some kind of relationship with either or both. What makes it not that much of a “duh” thing is how people think about sex and relationships and men, in particular, tend to be more about the sex than a committed type of relationship when hanging out on the other side of the fence. But it has to be mentioned that a lot of guys are looking for an FWB with or without exclusivity.

Polyamory – and like bisexuality – isn’t just a thing to do: It’s a way to be. It’s a feeling that one can have that tells them that loving one person is all well and good but being able to love more than one person is what they’re capable of – I’m not sure I can really explain it all that well and when I say being able to love more than one person, that includes pretty much everything that being in love with someone comes with. Of course, the rub comes into play because we barely know how to have a loving relationship with one person and being in a loving relationship with multiple people will most certainly put one to the test and in a great many ways.

To say it gets complicated is another of my famous – or infamous – understatements. You’re gonna feel whatever you’re gonna feel but doing something about those feelings can feel 100% right but, more often than not, fails in execution and again because of our long-held beliefs about how relationships are supposed to be – two’s company, three (or more) is a mess you don’t want anything to do with… and bisexuality may make being poly easier or it might add complications to an already complicated state of existence.

At this moment, I don’t think being single or in a relationship has much of an impact on being bisexual and poly except, of course, who you choose to partner with in this. One of the things I do know is that being poly can “open the door” and let bisexuality join the party and, yeah, I’ve heard a lot of people say, “Nah, that would never happen ’cause I ain’t like that!” and all that tells me is those who’ve said that have severely underestimated the power of love as well as how sex has a master key to our emotions. I’ve known couples who’ve become quartets and they’ve gotten blindsided when bisexuality shows up and, yeah, I’ve known couples who have explicitly forbidden any same-sex activities but, again, not taking into consideration how, in this situation, being a poly quartet comes with levels of intimacy (that isn’t all sex) that can make the impossible very damned possible.

There’s an odd kind of logic that says if we’re all in this together and doing everything together and including having sex together, um, why just limit it to the boy/girl stuff when we do have feelings for each other? If we’re gonna do this and be all into it, well, why not? This odd logic tends to fail at times because it can’t stand up to the emotional impact it can have on someone who is not so inclined to go both ways for any reason and not even for the sake of love. It’s not to be said that bisexuality is going to just invade things “automatically” or as a matter of course but, yeah, it can happen and, as it tends to happen, when it’s not expected or there’s a rule to prevent it.

I do think that bisexuals who are amenable to being poly do have an advantage given the dual nature of their attractions and I’d have to say that the “ideal” poly quartet is one where everyone is bisexual but not all bisexuals are of a mind to be in an ongoing relationship with more than one person at a time and many have a hard time making the adjustment to include an FWB when they’re already in a relationship. As odd as it may sound, a lot of bisexuals are… monogamous and moving from being monogamous to non-monogamous is either out of the question or not an easy transition to make.

And a lot of it, I think, has to do with those negative emotions I mentioned in my last scribble and the illusion of all things being equal, which isn’t impossible, mind you, but falls into that category that makes some people say that bisexuality is and should be a 50/50 kind of thing. Bisexuals have forever been welded to group sex and, namely, the dreaded threesome and not completely because they can be all hot and erotic but it shows an… expansion, for lack of a better word, that makes sharing sex with more than one person a logical and sensible thing to do and, no, I’m not 100% sure I understand why – I just know it can be like that. But one-on-one sex has been ingrained into our mindset and even bisexuals can have some difficulties having sex with more than one person involved and, if so, being in a loving and full-blown poly relationship can be even more difficult.

Hell, just the thought of having sex with “spectators” is usually enough to make most people lose their minds, let alone having those spectators participating in things… which is, again, the reason why I say that when considering polyamory, you really do have to unlearn all that stuff you’ve learned in order to learn a totally different way of doing them and one of those different ways could be bisexuality. I can’t say that “everyone” who goes for this does so with the potential of activating their bisexuality in mind; some actually do, but I’d say that’s the exception rather than the norm. When you put bisexuality and polyamory together, the adage of “never say never” comes to mind and I’d even go as far to suggest that if you’re planning a poly group, well, you should make this part of the discussion and then don’t be surprised if/when it actually happens.

And never assume that a member of the group isn’t going to have or find reason to change their mind and based upon how they’re feeling and how the other members are feeling about them. At a high level of thought, polyamory is sharing love with everyone involved and then with attention to detail toward how each member of the group wants/needs to love and be loved as well as what that means to them and what it entails and, yeah, how committed they are to the group. There are, of course, things that someone just isn’t going to do and that is always to be respected… just don’t be surprised if, again, the power of love within the group changes their mind. One of the funny things about being in love is that thing that’ll make a lot of us say that if we love you, there’s nothing we wouldn’t do for you – short of doing some highly illegal shit like, oh, robbing a bank or something along those lines… then it’s discovered that there are some things that you’re not gonna do, loving them or not – it’s just how some of us are about it.

Sigh. At the least, bisexuals have the potential to embrace polyamory and one can potentially become bisexuality in a poly setting and there’s just no way to definitively say whether a bisexual is going to be onboard with being poly or someone isn’t going to discover something about themselves that the group bonding has brought out in them. For many poly groups that I know or knew of, bisexuality never showed up and, at the very least, it was hinted at… and for some, oh, yeah, it arrived with bells on and totally shocked the shit out of everyone involved, not just because something “forbidden” happened but, usually, because they didn’t see it coming and didn’t think it could just happen like that.

As a bisexual, did I find being poly easy? Oh, hell, no. Given the makeup of our triad, did I foresee bisexuality paying us a visit? I most certainly did; in my mind, it wasn’t a matter of if it was gonna happen but when it was gonna happen and until it did, I spent a lot of near-sleepless nights thinking about damage control because while I knew it was gonna happen, I didn’t know what was gonna happen after it did and it scared the shit out of me. All late and wrong, I realized that, um, shit, maybe this was something we should have talked about when we sat down and talked about it and I can easily blame myself for this oversight and even when I started seeing the signs that told me what was going to eventually happen.

Which is why I’m telling anyone who wants to embrace polyamory to make double damned sure that when the group gets together to hash out how the relationship is going to go and look like, don’t forget to talk about this and for no other reason than forewarned is forearmed and should bisexuality arrive on the scene, no one gets blindsided by it. It gets weird in that ya might not want to expect it to happen (or want it to) but, yeah, don’t be surprised because, again, you just never know when someone – and even you – just might change their minds and dependent upon how the group gestalt is flowing and working.

It’s just not a given that bisexuals are more likely to be polyamorous. Like I said, a lot of people have a hard time dealing with their bisexuality and now we’re talking about the ultimate relationship and, well, you do the math. People are just… funny about how they go about forming and having relationships and going about the business of being in a relationship and, yup, definitely funny about having sex… and being poly changes all of that and no matter the shape of your group. I’d even go as far to say that if you’re already in a relationship and y’all are considering being poly, there’s a question I’d like to ask: Could you see your loving partner having sex with someone else? Most people can’t and some people think they can handle it right up to the moment they discover that they can’t handle it. One of the words even I learned was compersion, which, as I understand it is being happy because the person your with is happy. Yeah, some of us say, “If you’re happy, I’m happy!” and being poly can make one think twice about that and whether they really and truly meant it. It’s just not seeing them having sex with someone else – it’s knowing that they are and, whew, that’s just not an easy thing to adjust to and even more so if your partner is being truthful with you and telling you that when they have sex with another member of the group, they’re having a grand time and, yeah, I’ve heard couples trying to convince each other that, yeah, they did it but they didn’t enjoy it all that much when, um, that’s not the way things went down. And if a partner is having sex on the bisexual side of things, shit, well, lemme put it like this, if I may: You can feel some kind of way when the girls in the group are getting busy and they tell you that you’re not as good at going down on them as the other girl/girls are (or the guys in those situations I knew of).

Yep, heard that one and more than once. Did it bother me? Yeah, a little but in my mind, it didn’t matter as long as everyone was happy with each other and, oh, yeah, good luck with that one. It didn’t send me into a tailspin because, unbeknownst to me, I had embraced compersion and before I even knew there was such a word. I learned to embrace something that Bill Cosby once said (before everyone started hating him): “I don’t know the secret to success but I know the secret to failure is trying to please everyone.” And when poly relationships fail, well, this is why they do and why none of this is ever about equality but all about equity and whether bisexuality is involved or not.

It all gets… messy because feelings are involved and it 100% bad form to fuck with someone’s feelings, oh, like saying that you know you all agreed to this but you don’t like it all that much or griping about someone getting more attention that you are or everyone else is and other things of that nature. Polyamory is a journey of discovery and if you don’t understand that everyone involved is going to discover things in their own way, I’d advise you not to even think about being poly. You just cannot love everyone equally. You can try and I’m just gonna sit over here and wait to see how long it’ll take you realize that you can’t do it. You’re just not dealing with a “group” thing – you are also dealing with the individual personalities of the group as well and you cannot interact with everyone in the exact same way because people react differently about loving and being loved. Some may want “a whole lot” and some are okay with not a whole lot – and, again, they can change their mind about that – and now we’re right back to being able to openly communicate and effective so.

Even this doesn’t mean that bisexuals are more likely to be poly because, again, being poly is much more than having sex. Even we run into those moments when we know there’s something not quite right with whomever we’re with and we ask them what’s going on and they say, “Nothing.” When, ideally, when asked what’s going on, you get told what’s going on and then being able to listen without getting all bent out of shape… and bisexuality doesn’t necessarily lend itself to such a high level of calm objectivity.

So the answer to the question isn’t much of an answer: Bisexuals can be more likely to be poly… and not. The poly “rabbit hole” is, no joke and I shit you not, deeper and more involved that most can imagine and bisexuality just makes the rabbit hole even deeper. If it’s already there, you really don’t know if it’s going to “spread” or if it’s not there, you don’t know if it’s going to remain absent from things. And considering – again – that a lot of bisexuals are monogamous, well, you get the picture, I hope.

 
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Posted by on 6 July 2021 in Today's Bisexual Thoughts

 

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