A forum member asked why is it so hard to find a guy to get with? That question gets asked a lot and if you “listened” to them, finding a guy is harder than finding water in a desert. He listed his preferences and, well, I wouldn’t consider him for anything, not because of them but they indicate to me that he’s too risk-adverse and too specific, like wanting guys to have seven inches or more and other things that, personally, I find to be too picky and especially when he said that he’d prefer that a guy not be whore and not hook up with just anyone.
What he’s not aware of is that his preferences would DQ him with a lot of men. What he doesn’t understand is that if he’s dead set on getting what he wants and exactly what he wants, there are other men who are doing the exact same thing. He said something that I’ve heard a lot of women saying these days: He’s not going to lower his standards and that tells me that he’s… inflexible. An inability to adjust and adapt and, again, I’d pass him over and not give him any consideration.
And I pretty much told him that as well as something I’ve learned over all this time: If you make it harder to do, you won’t be able to do it. A lot of guys get so focused on the specifics they want that they don’t even see that (1) other guys are doing the same thing and (2) someone can see those specifics and wouldn’t want to be bothered. The member said that he doesn’t think he’s being too picky but, yeah, he is. Is he within his rights to be picky? Yes. Is that going to get him the dick he wants? Probably not.
I have learned that while it’s okay to set preferences and all that, if you put them on lockdown, you can wind up missing out on a lot of dicks because other guys will see that and, again, not want to be bothered. The member had listed seven things and I told him that the question I’d ask him about those four things is, “What difference do they make?” It’s a trick question because I know they shouldn’t make a difference if you’ve built in some flexibility in that which is preferred. I like to ask guys who are horribly frustrated in their hunt for cock, “What is the least acceptable thing that will work for you?” and I’ve learned that a lot of men do not have a “minimum standard;” they set a maximum standard and nothing less than that is acceptable to them.
And if they’re doing that, so are a lot of other men. I said to him that he wants what he wants… but he also has to make other men want him. I learned that one of the biggest disconnects that causes this problem is that guys get focused on what they want and, in this, put other men in a “take it or leave it” frame of mind that, more often than not, will get guys thinking that leaving it is the thing to do and, yeah, because (1) that attitude is pretty fucked up and no matter how nicely you state it and (2) you’re not the droid they’re looking for.
For example, I’ve gone shopping and have been in the produce section and, sometimes, just watching how people go about selecting produce and while a lot of the people I’ve observed select the produce they can work with, many others are looking for perfect produce and when they can’t find it – and they’re not going to – they walk away shaking their heads and talking about the lack of quality of what’s available. That bunch of kale they were looking at that had a couple of leaves that weren’t totally pristine gets passed by… but someone else would look at that same bunch, see a few leaves with “bad spots” on them and know that they can be removed and it’s not going to mess up the whole thing and will cook up just fine.
When you’re looking for dick, it’s like going shopping and literally so. A lot of guys, as “the sellers,” suck at advertising and a lot of guys, as “the buyers,” are just too picky and, again, inflexible. The art of negotiation – and the art I grew up having to learn and master – has become a lost art; when you’re not willing to negotiate, guess what you’re not going to be doing? When you “play it too safe,” yeah, guess what you’re not going to be doing and how much harder it becomes?
You’re looking for one specific guy… in a group of men that can, depending on where you live, number in the thousands or hundreds of thousands. When you take a big step back and consider the millions of men looking for some M2M action who are also employing a high level of specificity and, yeah – it can seem like there aren’t any men out there to have fun with.
I learned that to be male and bisexual, you have to have a sense of adventure. This doesn’t mean carelessly or recklessly putting yourself out there, but it does mean being aware of the potential risks and understanding that “potential” is the operative word and not doing what a lot of guys are doing: Assuming that the risks are going to happen to them; it’s a given and a guarantee that they will. I learned that one must be fearless and again, that doesn’t mean being careless or reckless but it’s being aware of the risks… and having a plan to mitigate or eliminate them.
As I read the other comments to the member’s post, I was thinking about Cityman and how… paranoid he used to be. He had a list of specific preferences that I know would make the forum member look like an easy piece of ass in comparison. He, too, wanted to know why it was so hard for him to find a guy and when I explained all of this to him, one of the first things he said was that he didn’t feel that he had to lower his standards… but I asked him that if his standards were making it hard for him to get with guys – and guys not hitting him up with offers – hmm: What’s the problem here and what do you do about it?
I got him to rethink his preferences and pointed out to him that if he didn’t make himself look approachable, he’d get zero takers because a lot of guys really don’t want to deal with “fussy” guys and the majority of men out there are not looking to be someone’s “boyfriend;” they want to get some dick, have some fun, and keep it moving. Once Cityman did that, now he “complains” about all of the guys who are very eager to get into his underwear.
I learned that you have to give yourself more choices and not limit them. Like, Cityman talked about guys having to be nice to look at and I asked him, “Why? Are you gonna marry the guy?” That made him go silent for almost five minutes before he finally responded, “No, I’m not gonna marry the guy.” Really, if you’re “just interested” in having fun with homey’s dick, does it really matter if he could be on the cover of GQ or Esquire? Again, once he adjusted some stuff – and it took him a while to be able to do that – he spends more time turning down offers because it’s impossible for him to accommodate all of the men who find him very suitable to have sex with, not because Cityman lowered his standards, but he did revise them because he saw that it was his standards – and how strict they were – that was the problem and in the majority of times.
I think that because a lot of guys are looking for a Mr. Right to be their FWB, that automatically disqualifies a whole lot of men who are more of a casual bent. Just hooking up with a guy is “the new evil” and, well, damn. While it’d be nice to have that one guy to sleep with – and even under the illusion that this is safer (and it really isn’t or might not be) – you should consider that there are more men out there who aren’t of a mind to be a FWB than there are guys who want one and because they’re not, it doesn’t mean that you can’t sleep with them and have the good time you’re looking for. If you’re not willing or, more likely, too afraid to hook up with a guy – and a guy that you’ve done your best to check out – then guess what you won’t be doing?
Cityman asked me how I managed to get so much dick and I told him that I managed to do it… because I made it easy for guys to want to gimme the dick. He asked me about my preferences and I’m sure I baffled him when I said that I didn’t have any and that there were only three things I was very serious about. Hah, he still asks me what I prefer and I keep telling him, “I prefer to have sex.” We talk about preferences and he even agrees that a lot of men are too rigid in that which they prefer… yet, well, he still has them because he’s more focused on who more than what and, yeah, like he’s gonna marry the guy and settle down with him until death does them part.
I get that my boy is into the FWB thing… because he likes to hang out with guys he’s cool with but, yeah, he’ll hook up with guys despite having one who, in my opinion, is the best FWB he’s ever had. I see guys preferring men with huge dicks which, all by itself, disqualifies a whole lot of men. I even remember being rejected because my dick was a half-inch shorter than what the other guy preferred… and I’d love it if you were to think about that one for a moment. I was… totally baffled and asked him why that half-inch mattered to him so much and all he said was, “I prefer bigger dicks…” and like that really was an explanation other than this is what he said and what he preferred.
But he also mentioned how hard it was for him to find guys to have sex with and, well, I felt – both then and now – that it was hard for him because he made it hard for himself. All in all, it’s not that difficult to figure out why there are so many guys frustrated and complaining about not being able to find a guy to sleep with and they are quick to blame everyone… except themselves. I get that one must be able to weed out the fakes and flakes; I get that one has to be as safe as possible and as a matter of course: This is just common sense stuff to me.
Still, if you play it too safe or have preferences that are totally on lockdown, or you prefer Mr. Right over Mr. Right Now, um, guess what you won’t be doing other than being frustrated and, perhaps, spending a lot of time jerking yourself off and daydreaming about all the dick you’re not able to get… and the reason why you’re doing this is because you set yourself up to fail. A lot of guys are doing this and it… cancels things out.
If you’re interested in the same thing I’m interested in, um, doesn’t that work? Gives us a starting point in negotiating where and when? Do I care how big your dick is? Nope since, um, they all work the same way. Okay. Really hairy guys creeps me the fuck out and I know it does… but if the really hairy guy meets my three requirements, his dick is going to get sucked because him wearing a fur coat has nothing to do with what I want to do to his dick. Does homey have a face that can break mirrors? Maybe he does but like I told Cityman, I ain’t looking to marry the dude and if my face is planted in his crotch, I’m not looking at his face, am I? And what exactly does his looks have to do with his dick?
Do I care how big a guy’s dick is? Nope and, believe me, I’ve learned some lessons about bigger not being better and as a great many guys believe. Does it work? Is it healthy? If the answers are yes and yes, let’s move on to the next step of the negotiations. Are you my idea of an asshole? That will be determined by how our conversation is going as well as what I might be thinking about your profile (if it’s an online connection) or what I might pick up just by us talking and especially if we’re doing it in person.
A lot of guys can’t pass this “test…” but a lot of guys do and, yeah, I know all too well that a lot of guys don’t “start out” being assholes but when their dick gets hard, they can turn into one but decades of experience has taught me how to deal with that. If you don’t have the ability to “sell” a guy and convince him that us getting together would be a damned good thing for us to do, well, hmm. If you don’t know how to counter a guy’s objections, ditto. Can’t host? Not a problem – there are too many places we can go and I’ll even pay for it if you can’t or don’t want to and to that end, it’s not about the money… but it is about being able to get that dick, you know, if you’re willing to give it up.
Do I care what your ethnicity is? Not even because, again, what does that have to do with anything? I’ve slept with guys ranging from “darker than the original sin” to so light that they probably get sunburned just turning on a light in a room. Are you a legal adult? You are? Great! On to the next thing.
The funny thing about this is that to get some dick, you, um, you kinda gotta “whore” yourself because you’re again trying to sell the other guy on it being a good idea for both of us to hook up, do the deed, and whatever happens after that? We can talk about it… but let’s not put the cart before the horse, okay? If you’re not HWP – height/weigh proportionate – well, so what? I’ve been with guys who didn’t weigh 100 pounds to up one guy who tipped the scales at just over 400… and that guy wore my ass out and like few men have been able to do… and it was fun because I saw his weight as a challenge more than a detriment.
If we’re “negotiating” and you’re giving me more reasons why you can’t do something than you are why you want to, well, that’s a shame because that’s a major deal-breaker for me and it tells me that your head isn’t in what I’d deem to be in the right place. Not all that experienced? Doesn’t matter since, um, no one is experienced until they get it and if I have to “take you to school,” I’m good with that and if you have to school me (not very likely), fine – I’m not too old to learn some stuff.
And if you’re expecting me to comply with your specifications and of a mind to disregard mine? No deal… because this ain’t just about you and it’s a mistake a lot of guys make in this. I prefer to have sex and I am flexible when it gets down to the details but if you’re hitting me with a laundry list of preferences, you’re going to make me disinterested and more so when there’s a great chance that you have preferences that makes no difference other than, yeah, that’s what you prefer over being able to do what you want to do.
If you’re making it hard for guys to get with you and they’re also making it hard, well, why are you doing this? It’s a lesson that was among the many I learned growing up and, yeah, buddy – I got a lot of dick because I made it easy on myself and easy for other guys to give it up to me. I’m… easy. I’ll say that even with both men and women, the worst thing that has happened is… I got laid. Probably could have been better but it was what it was but getting laid was, in fact, the thing I wanted to do even if I felt that, yeah, that could’ve gone better… but if you don’t try, you never fail and if you never fail, you never learn how to succeed.
Eye-rolling sigh. This question is one I’ve heard a lot. I wanted to know why it was being asked and more so when I found myself asking the same question. What I learned was that, yeah, it was them… but it was quite possible it was me, too, oh, like that thing I used to have about uncut dicks that I am totally embarrassed to admit that I had. It was a dumb reason for me to have turned down a lot of guys because of this but, um, if the guy I found to be acceptable wasn’t cut, did it really matter? It didn’t but that was something I had to get rid of because it wasn’t getting me dick when I wanted it.
I don’t pretend to understand why guys who moan and groan about not being able to find a guy can’t figure this out since, um, if they’re not getting any, it very well may be due to the fact that you’ve made yourself “unattractive” to the other men who are looking for the same thing you are: Sex with a dude. I don’t know about other guys but if there was something I really do prefer, it’s for me to not be part of the problem and be more about being part of the solution… and it’s pretty sad to see guys who are, in fact, part of the problem.