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Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: 17 May 22

A forum member asked why is it so hard to find a guy to get with? That question gets asked a lot and if you “listened” to them, finding a guy is harder than finding water in a desert. He listed his preferences and, well, I wouldn’t consider him for anything, not because of them but they indicate to me that he’s too risk-adverse and too specific, like wanting guys to have seven inches or more and other things that, personally, I find to be too picky and especially when he said that he’d prefer that a guy not be whore and not hook up with just anyone.

What he’s not aware of is that his preferences would DQ him with a lot of men. What he doesn’t understand is that if he’s dead set on getting what he wants and exactly what he wants, there are other men who are doing the exact same thing. He said something that I’ve heard a lot of women saying these days: He’s not going to lower his standards and that tells me that he’s… inflexible. An inability to adjust and adapt and, again, I’d pass him over and not give him any consideration.

And I pretty much told him that as well as something I’ve learned over all this time: If you make it harder to do, you won’t be able to do it. A lot of guys get so focused on the specifics they want that they don’t even see that (1) other guys are doing the same thing and (2) someone can see those specifics and wouldn’t want to be bothered. The member said that he doesn’t think he’s being too picky but, yeah, he is. Is he within his rights to be picky? Yes. Is that going to get him the dick he wants? Probably not.

I have learned that while it’s okay to set preferences and all that, if you put them on lockdown, you can wind up missing out on a lot of dicks because other guys will see that and, again, not want to be bothered. The member had listed seven things and I told him that the question I’d ask him about those four things is, “What difference do they make?” It’s a trick question because I know they shouldn’t make a difference if you’ve built in some flexibility in that which is preferred. I like to ask guys who are horribly frustrated in their hunt for cock, “What is the least acceptable thing that will work for you?” and I’ve learned that a lot of men do not have a “minimum standard;” they set a maximum standard and nothing less than that is acceptable to them.

And if they’re doing that, so are a lot of other men. I said to him that he wants what he wants… but he also has to make other men want him. I learned that one of the biggest disconnects that causes this problem is that guys get focused on what they want and, in this, put other men in a “take it or leave it” frame of mind that, more often than not, will get guys thinking that leaving it is the thing to do and, yeah, because (1) that attitude is pretty fucked up and no matter how nicely you state it and (2) you’re not the droid they’re looking for.

For example, I’ve gone shopping and have been in the produce section and, sometimes, just watching how people go about selecting produce and while a lot of the people I’ve observed select the produce they can work with, many others are looking for perfect produce and when they can’t find it – and they’re not going to – they walk away shaking their heads and talking about the lack of quality of what’s available. That bunch of kale they were looking at that had a couple of leaves that weren’t totally pristine gets passed by… but someone else would look at that same bunch, see a few leaves with “bad spots” on them and know that they can be removed and it’s not going to mess up the whole thing and will cook up just fine.

When you’re looking for dick, it’s like going shopping and literally so. A lot of guys, as “the sellers,” suck at advertising and a lot of guys, as “the buyers,” are just too picky and, again, inflexible. The art of negotiation – and the art I grew up having to learn and master – has become a lost art; when you’re not willing to negotiate, guess what you’re not going to be doing? When you “play it too safe,” yeah, guess what you’re not going to be doing and how much harder it becomes?

You’re looking for one specific guy… in a group of men that can, depending on where you live, number in the thousands or hundreds of thousands. When you take a big step back and consider the millions of men looking for some M2M action who are also employing a high level of specificity and, yeah – it can seem like there aren’t any men out there to have fun with.

I learned that to be male and bisexual, you have to have a sense of adventure. This doesn’t mean carelessly or recklessly putting yourself out there, but it does mean being aware of the potential risks and understanding that “potential” is the operative word and not doing what a lot of guys are doing: Assuming that the risks are going to happen to them; it’s a given and a guarantee that they will. I learned that one must be fearless and again, that doesn’t mean being careless or reckless but it’s being aware of the risks… and having a plan to mitigate or eliminate them.

As I read the other comments to the member’s post, I was thinking about Cityman and how… paranoid he used to be. He had a list of specific preferences that I know would make the forum member look like an easy piece of ass in comparison. He, too, wanted to know why it was so hard for him to find a guy and when I explained all of this to him, one of the first things he said was that he didn’t feel that he had to lower his standards… but I asked him that if his standards were making it hard for him to get with guys – and guys not hitting him up with offers – hmm: What’s the problem here and what do you do about it?

I got him to rethink his preferences and pointed out to him that if he didn’t make himself look approachable, he’d get zero takers because a lot of guys really don’t want to deal with “fussy” guys and the majority of men out there are not looking to be someone’s “boyfriend;” they want to get some dick, have some fun, and keep it moving. Once Cityman did that, now he “complains” about all of the guys who are very eager to get into his underwear.

I learned that you have to give yourself more choices and not limit them. Like, Cityman talked about guys having to be nice to look at and I asked him, “Why? Are you gonna marry the guy?” That made him go silent for almost five minutes before he finally responded, “No, I’m not gonna marry the guy.” Really, if you’re “just interested” in having fun with homey’s dick, does it really matter if he could be on the cover of GQ or Esquire? Again, once he adjusted some stuff – and it took him a while to be able to do that – he spends more time turning down offers because it’s impossible for him to accommodate all of the men who find him very suitable to have sex with, not because Cityman lowered his standards, but he did revise them because he saw that it was his standards – and how strict they were – that was the problem and in the majority of times.

I think that because a lot of guys are looking for a Mr. Right to be their FWB, that automatically disqualifies a whole lot of men who are more of a casual bent. Just hooking up with a guy is “the new evil” and, well, damn. While it’d be nice to have that one guy to sleep with – and even under the illusion that this is safer (and it really isn’t or might not be) – you should consider that there are more men out there who aren’t of a mind to be a FWB than there are guys who want one and because they’re not, it doesn’t mean that you can’t sleep with them and have the good time you’re looking for. If you’re not willing or, more likely, too afraid to hook up with a guy – and a guy that you’ve done your best to check out – then guess what you won’t be doing?

Cityman asked me how I managed to get so much dick and I told him that I managed to do it… because I made it easy for guys to want to gimme the dick. He asked me about my preferences and I’m sure I baffled him when I said that I didn’t have any and that there were only three things I was very serious about. Hah, he still asks me what I prefer and I keep telling him, “I prefer to have sex.” We talk about preferences and he even agrees that a lot of men are too rigid in that which they prefer… yet, well, he still has them because he’s more focused on who more than what and, yeah, like he’s gonna marry the guy and settle down with him until death does them part.

I get that my boy is into the FWB thing… because he likes to hang out with guys he’s cool with but, yeah, he’ll hook up with guys despite having one who, in my opinion, is the best FWB he’s ever had. I see guys preferring men with huge dicks which, all by itself, disqualifies a whole lot of men. I even remember being rejected because my dick was a half-inch shorter than what the other guy preferred… and I’d love it if you were to think about that one for a moment. I was… totally baffled and asked him why that half-inch mattered to him so much and all he said was, “I prefer bigger dicks…” and like that really was an explanation other than this is what he said and what he preferred.

But he also mentioned how hard it was for him to find guys to have sex with and, well, I felt – both then and now – that it was hard for him because he made it hard for himself. All in all, it’s not that difficult to figure out why there are so many guys frustrated and complaining about not being able to find a guy to sleep with and they are quick to blame everyone… except themselves. I get that one must be able to weed out the fakes and flakes; I get that one has to be as safe as possible and as a matter of course: This is just common sense stuff to me.

Still, if you play it too safe or have preferences that are totally on lockdown, or you prefer Mr. Right over Mr. Right Now, um, guess what you won’t be doing other than being frustrated and, perhaps, spending a lot of time jerking yourself off and daydreaming about all the dick you’re not able to get… and the reason why you’re doing this is because you set yourself up to fail. A lot of guys are doing this and it… cancels things out.

If you’re interested in the same thing I’m interested in, um, doesn’t that work? Gives us a starting point in negotiating where and when? Do I care how big your dick is? Nope since, um, they all work the same way. Okay. Really hairy guys creeps me the fuck out and I know it does… but if the really hairy guy meets my three requirements, his dick is going to get sucked because him wearing a fur coat has nothing to do with what I want to do to his dick. Does homey have a face that can break mirrors? Maybe he does but like I told Cityman, I ain’t looking to marry the dude and if my face is planted in his crotch, I’m not looking at his face, am I? And what exactly does his looks have to do with his dick?

Do I care how big a guy’s dick is? Nope and, believe me, I’ve learned some lessons about bigger not being better and as a great many guys believe. Does it work? Is it healthy? If the answers are yes and yes, let’s move on to the next step of the negotiations. Are you my idea of an asshole? That will be determined by how our conversation is going as well as what I might be thinking about your profile (if it’s an online connection) or what I might pick up just by us talking and especially if we’re doing it in person.

A lot of guys can’t pass this “test…” but a lot of guys do and, yeah, I know all too well that a lot of guys don’t “start out” being assholes but when their dick gets hard, they can turn into one but decades of experience has taught me how to deal with that. If you don’t have the ability to “sell” a guy and convince him that us getting together would be a damned good thing for us to do, well, hmm. If you don’t know how to counter a guy’s objections, ditto. Can’t host? Not a problem – there are too many places we can go and I’ll even pay for it if you can’t or don’t want to and to that end, it’s not about the money… but it is about being able to get that dick, you know, if you’re willing to give it up.

Do I care what your ethnicity is? Not even because, again, what does that have to do with anything? I’ve slept with guys ranging from “darker than the original sin” to so light that they probably get sunburned just turning on a light in a room. Are you a legal adult? You are? Great! On to the next thing.

The funny thing about this is that to get some dick, you, um, you kinda gotta “whore” yourself because you’re again trying to sell the other guy on it being a good idea for both of us to hook up, do the deed, and whatever happens after that? We can talk about it… but let’s not put the cart before the horse, okay? If you’re not HWP – height/weigh proportionate – well, so what? I’ve been with guys who didn’t weigh 100 pounds to up one guy who tipped the scales at just over 400… and that guy wore my ass out and like few men have been able to do… and it was fun because I saw his weight as a challenge more than a detriment.

If we’re “negotiating” and you’re giving me more reasons why you can’t do something than you are why you want to, well, that’s a shame because that’s a major deal-breaker for me and it tells me that your head isn’t in what I’d deem to be in the right place. Not all that experienced? Doesn’t matter since, um, no one is experienced until they get it and if I have to “take you to school,” I’m good with that and if you have to school me (not very likely), fine – I’m not too old to learn some stuff.

And if you’re expecting me to comply with your specifications and of a mind to disregard mine? No deal… because this ain’t just about you and it’s a mistake a lot of guys make in this. I prefer to have sex and I am flexible when it gets down to the details but if you’re hitting me with a laundry list of preferences, you’re going to make me disinterested and more so when there’s a great chance that you have preferences that makes no difference other than, yeah, that’s what you prefer over being able to do what you want to do.

If you’re making it hard for guys to get with you and they’re also making it hard, well, why are you doing this? It’s a lesson that was among the many I learned growing up and, yeah, buddy – I got a lot of dick because I made it easy on myself and easy for other guys to give it up to me. I’m… easy. I’ll say that even with both men and women, the worst thing that has happened is… I got laid. Probably could have been better but it was what it was but getting laid was, in fact, the thing I wanted to do even if I felt that, yeah, that could’ve gone better… but if you don’t try, you never fail and if you never fail, you never learn how to succeed.

Eye-rolling sigh. This question is one I’ve heard a lot. I wanted to know why it was being asked and more so when I found myself asking the same question. What I learned was that, yeah, it was them… but it was quite possible it was me, too, oh, like that thing I used to have about uncut dicks that I am totally embarrassed to admit that I had. It was a dumb reason for me to have turned down a lot of guys because of this but, um, if the guy I found to be acceptable wasn’t cut, did it really matter? It didn’t but that was something I had to get rid of because it wasn’t getting me dick when I wanted it.

I don’t pretend to understand why guys who moan and groan about not being able to find a guy can’t figure this out since, um, if they’re not getting any, it very well may be due to the fact that you’ve made yourself “unattractive” to the other men who are looking for the same thing you are: Sex with a dude. I don’t know about other guys but if there was something I really do prefer, it’s for me to not be part of the problem and be more about being part of the solution… and it’s pretty sad to see guys who are, in fact, part of the problem.

 
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Posted by on 17 May 2022 in Today's Bisexual Thoughts

 

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Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: 16 May 22

It’s good to see people standing up on social media and declaring their bisexuality; speaking to what it means to them and, at turns, defending their right to be and perhaps even joining the cause to make it perfectly clear that bisexuality is real.

My thought today, in the form of a question, is does it have to be a cause? Is there a real need to demand a right that’s already a given in that you’re supposed to be self-determining and figure out how you’re going to make your way through life?

Yesterday, I was thinking about a 62-year-old guy I’ll call Jack. Met him on that app and we went from messaging each other to talking on the phone. He told me his history and it was one that I knew was pretty commonplace: Fooled around with his male friends when he was younger but still very much liked girls, but he had come from a time when he was made to understand that once he turned 21, it was time to be a man and an adult and get to doing all of the things adult males are supposed to do.

Get married; start a career and raise a family and do not diverge from this path. He was telling me that after decades of marriage, a divorce happened and now he felt that he was free to be the man he had wanted to be. The thing that made me decide to meet with him so we could blow each other’s brains out was him saying, “I’m old… but I still have needs.”

Even though I was much younger than Jack, I understood what he was talking about and especially that fear of homosexuality. In between taking rests and because, as he put it, he was making up for lost time, we talked about why we – society – can’t just accept that there are many ways for people to be intimate with each other and that, truthfully, there is no wrong way in this; if it works for you, it just works. We both agreed that homosexuals had to be seen and treated just like everyone else is.

He had said something about my generation being more… open about things and I kinda agreed with him but pointed out that I was born in a time when being gay made one Public Enemy #1 and more so when, thanks to the sexual revolution that exploded during the Season of Love, the moral majority was freaking out more than they had been in his past so it wasn’t like guys like me were exactly freed from the social ire – we just didn’t give a fuck if we chose to be bisexual and not of a mind to let a whole lot of people know it.

In a role-reversal kind of way, I talked to a 20-something on that app who said, “I don’t know why everybody got to make a big deal out of this…” and right about the time that damned article came out that got what was left of the moral majority start losing their shit… and bisexuality became a cause that had to be defended.

Jack had been blowing me like the starving man he said he was when he stopped, looked at me, and asked, “Why did I give this up? Why did I have to?” and went back to what he was doing; while his “rhetorical questions” didn’t distract me in any way, they had stuck in my head and in that “we’ll think about this later” way and even he had said, after we’d worn each other out, that he finally realized that he had the right to not give up this thing that he knew he loved doing.

“We’re just very damned funny about having sex,” I had said. “And we get pissy with anyone who doesn’t do it the way it’s supposed to be.”

The thing that’s been clear to me is that no matter how much fussing is going on about bisexuality, it’s not going to stop people from being bisexual but, yeah, I guess it’s just normal for us to fuss over some stuff that shouldn’t be fussed over and especially something that our social norms insist is no one’s business but your own who you get intimate with. It’s private and deemed to be TMI. It exposes a bit of hypocrisy in that, in this country, you have the right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness and, taken at face value, if your idea of pursuing happiness is being bisexual, well, what’s the problem?

I’ve felt that the unspoken and unwritten “but” is that we here do have the right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness… as long as you do these things as you’re told to do them and that also includes the religious prohibition and taboo of being male and homosexual. One of those things that made me go, “Hmm…” And it’s quite possible (but I doubt it) that when the Founding Fathers wrote all of this stuff up, sexuality wasn’t all that much on their minds but when you get into the history of things, not only were the people who came to this country trying to get from under the thumb of King George, they were also getting away from the heavy-handedness of the Church of England who was more in charge of things than the reigning king was.

Jack had sent me a note later that day that said, “Thank you for being a part of me being free to be who I am!” It was a sentiment that made me feel “some kind of way” but, even then, had me thinking that he was really always free to be who he was… but.

Bisexuals were happy to handle their business while staying off the social radar and avoiding the angst against homosexuals and I find it… ironically amusing that many bisexuals today use a phrase that I heard back in the day: Being in the closet. When the moral majority was demanding that homosexuals make themselves known and so they could be “cured” and other such crazy shit, they were told to stop hiding in a closet and, indeed, a lot of the homosexual I knew – and the ones who weren’t being, um, flamboyantly defiant – would mention having to hide in the closet so they could avoid being outed and subjected to the great social ire and angst and, yes, some of them said that in order to not be discriminated against, they had to act straight.

I understand why homosexuals took up the cause to demand and defend their right to be homosexual but what I “don’t understand” is why bisexuals feel that they have to do the same thing but, yeah, I do really understand it – but it doesn’t make any sense. Once again, I point out that we’re… stupid in that we continually fail to learn from history. This “fight” and cause to defend bisexuality and the right to be came on the heels of homosexuality winning their war to be homosexual and to marry and all the other stuff everyone else had the “God-given right” to do.

To me, we ended one war… so we could start another one. If the “opposition forces” were really paying attention, um, perhaps they would have seen the futility of taking up arms against bisexuality when they lost the war against homosexuality. Like, duh. I saw that this, at the root, isn’t so much a social thing as much as it is us being human and if we’re not pitching a bitch about something, well, something must be wrong with us as a species. We have a long and very sordid history of warring against each other, so this isn’t outside of our “normal” behavior, but it says some bad shit about us because we have not yet learned to behave differently… and we consider ourselves to be civilized.

Advocates say that it’s important to bring awareness to bisexuality and I get that… except did we really need to? I think about what my mom used to tell us when we were growing up: Never give someone a stick to beat you with and when it comes to this, well, that’s pretty much what we’ve done. The world started losing their shit – again – over sexuality and bisexuality specifically and instead of us saying, “Yeah, so?” we started fussing with them and just ignoring a truism my mom taught me: It takes two people to argue… and humans are some confrontational critters.

And we don’t see this about ourselves. Well, many people do see it and they refuse to argue about something that falls into that “none of your damned business” category. We are the animal kingdom’s drama queens and, laughingly, I guess, the ultimate reality show to end all reality shows; it has me thinking that the way we are about this makes “The Real Housewives of Atlanta” look like they don’t know shit about drama. Those ladies, in my opinion, puts our inherent need to be… petty on display for all to see and get all caught up in… and this cause to defend bisexuality and the right to be is just more of the same.

Because we have yet to learn how to really be better to, with, and for each other. In the early days of bitch pitching, the question I had for those who were insisting that bisexuality wasn’t real was, “If it’s not real, what are you fussing about?” Enter, stage left, all the religious riffing and even in this, we let our confrontational nature blind us to the fact that, sure, religion says one thing… but the reality continues to tell a whole different story.

Not everyone is straight and don’t have to be if it suits their purpose not to be. That right to self-determination and one that we all actually agree is an inalienable human right… as long as you’re doing it in the specified and religiously mandated way. And just “glossing over” the fact that this ain’t the way it really works… and we have a long and even violent history of what we’ve done to those who weren’t toeing the line.

And we’ve not learned a goddamned thing from history and even recent history. Yeah, there’s a reason why someone said that those who fail to learn from history are doomed to repeat it because that’s exactly what we’re doing – again. Okay. We love to fuss and fight about shit. Human nature kind of stuff. Yet, despite this, people are still adopting whatever sexuality works for them and even “trying it on for size,” as it were and this, too, is human nature kind of stuff.

And just as human as our penchant and habit to get all bent out of shape when what we believe gets stuffed into the garbage disposal and then get to behaving like savages to be so disabused and bitch-slapped by reality. I like to believe that bisexuals have enough shit they have to worry about other than to find themselves caught up in a cause that only serves to give them more shit to worry about but, yep, so many of us are well and truly caught up in it.

And bisexuals like myself are seeing this and wondering why we’re even getting into this shit… again. Continuing to fail to learn from recent events, let alone history itself. I understood why Jack put his bisexuality on hold… because he was supposed to. That’s what adults are supposed to do – put away those childish things and be an adult and this is the way you’re expected, required, and demanded to do things. It’s not unreasonable… but it’s unrealistic since, um, this implies that you will be and remain 100% heterosexual and in a world that has people in it who aren’t 100% heterosexual at all.

Hmm. In a way, I very much love the people who say, “As long as you’re not messing with me and mine, I don’t give a fuck what you do – it’s your life.” I still get a kick out of those folks who say that they’d never do some shit like this… then they’re doing it. Lots of chatter today about the importance of self-care and me understanding that this also includes taking care of your sexual and intimate desires and if bisexuality is the shoe that fits, wear it. Have fun with it but the trick of it is to be able to do this while we’re still fussing over something that nothing we’ve said or done has done anything to change a damned thing.

If you’re not like us, you’re against us. It gets overlooked that the only real difference between being straight, gay, or bi is how we go about our supposedly private business of getting our rocks off and who we can do that with, you know, if ya don’t mind and, yeah, I won’t tell if you won’t since this is, again, supposed to be no one’s business but our own. We are some seriously insane critters… and we can’t see that we are.

Some of us – and I don’t just mean bisexuals – ain’t feeling being a part of this ongoing insanity because we have better things to do, like, going about the business of living and being about that pursuit of happiness thing that does not explicitly excluse embracing the sexuality of your choice and according to what is needed. And yeah… “old guys” like Jack said he was had needs those social norms forbade him to take care of and I recall that he was… unhappy to have been made to not be the kind of guy he had discovered himself to be.

I remember him asking me if I had done what he did – reach adult age and gave up being bisexual… and he just nodded to himself when I said that I never gave it up and obviously so. I was having a moment to watch him sucking me and muttering to himself about how much he missed this and even how much better he would have been if he had not given this pleasure up. As I sucked him, I could feel him being freed from the things that, in truth, has to be done – we all have to grow up and do… adulting but in whatever way we can manage to do it.

The first time I got him off? He looked like I had just handed him a sack full of diamonds. It wasn’t just the physical release but a very emotional one. I understood it when we were talking about women and how we can’t live with them and can’t live without them… but getting some dick is good, too.

You just don’t have to be female to get some and to enjoy the shit out of it because it feels good… and that’s because it’s supposed to. We’ve been going about making each other feel good in these things and in this way since friggin’ forever… and here we are, in the year of our Lord, 2022, still fussing about it and taking up arms to fight a cause that, if you really and seriously think about it, doesn’t make a lot of sense.

I’ll end this… with this. Typing all of this causes me a lot of pain. I’ve had to stop at times and take my right hand off the keyboard because it fucking hurts to touch it. But it doesn’t stop me from doing it because it’s something I have to do and to not do it, well, I’m not being… me. There have been those who have suggested that I just accept that because this can hurt, I shouldn’t do it and that I’m “crazy” for wanting to give myself more pain and on top of the pain I already have to deal with. Yet, I do it. I have to; I have a need to. Pretty much the same way I feel about being bisexual.

Being told that I can’t and shouldn’t be and that I’m crazy and some kind of heathen because I’m not straight or gay. If this is true – and it isn’t – I like being crazy even when knowing that there are people who aren’t going to like me because I’m crazy like this. If I have the need to keep typing and I do it, ignoring or avoiding the fact that I’m very much bisexual falls into this category. I’m not going to defend what I am and if someone want to fuss at me about it, well, they’ll be talking and fussing to no one other than themselves… because I have better things to do and other things to be worried about.

I have the right to be bisexual because I have the right to be… me. And given the shit going on in the world these days? Methinks there are a great many causes that are more important to get on board with than fussing about bisexuality and bisexuals, giving someone a stick to beat us with and arguing over a truth that we know about… and that it sucks to be someone who can’t accept that truth.

 
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Posted by on 16 May 2022 in Today's Bisexual Thoughts

 

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Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: 14 May 22

For quite a bit of time, I thought and felt that I was the only one who had discovered that having sex with boys and girls was a lot of fun. Later in life, I would look back at that moment in time and inwardly groan to see how… clueless I was to think this given that, um, I was having sex with boys and girls.

Duh, right? Maybe not. That feeling was real and because my… activities were relegated to my local area, I didn’t really get disabused of this weird notion until I had sex with a guy who lived in a different part of the city. So, wow, it wasn’t just a thing that belonged to my neighborhood! A YMCA membership exposed me to other guys from all over the county and expanding my view of things; that membership allowed me to go to summer camp in another state and finding myself surrounded and engaged with other kids from other states and finding out that, in some way or another, a lot of them were just like me and the “funny” part was they, too, felt that odd thing that had them thinking that they were the only one like this.

I was puttering around, doing this and that and thinking about this and remembered the first time I went to Japan. Walking around one of the USAF-approved areas and dealing with yet another great bout of culture shock and falling in love with the Japanese people, their history, and their culture when a Japanese man of indeterminate age approached me and, in broken English, asked if he could suck my cock.

Wait, what? At first, I was damned suspicious; this could be some kind of trap and the kind we were told about before we got there and after we did. As it turned out, it wasn’t; the same instinct that would tell me that this guy was okay to do it with but that guy wasn’t told me that this Japanese man was okay and, well, whew, that was an experience I’ll never forget because it opened my eyes to the fact that male bisexuality wasn’t just a thing that went on at home in the US and, just as important, things like race wasn’t the barrier that I – and others – thought it to be.

That and he was an amazing and very hungry cocksucker who said that he loved Americans and “dark” ones like me. Hmm.

As I became more aware of cultural differences and norms, I could see that guys who were bisexual had a different but similar way of looking at it. Totally forbidden across all cultures but bisexuality didn’t care about this and despite all the stuff I heard about Blacks being homophobic and that included Hispanic guys and white guys just being plain old crazy, there was a… universal kind of constant that served to put the kibosh on the notion being bandied about that people were either straight or they were gay.

Um, no, they weren’t. I knew this for a fact but what I was learning was that this bisexual thing was more widespread than I could have imagined and even then, I would come in contact with guys who felt greatly relieved to find that they weren’t the only guy like this… and I would often wrack my brain into a major headache trying to figure out why this feeling existed and how I could have been happily having sex with my male friends and not see that, nope, I wasn’t the only one who liked guys and their dicks and asses… and we weren’t gay.

I would eventually theorize that because this kind of sex was totally forbidden, breaking the rules put me outside of conventional thinking about this and into “unknown territory,” to put it this way. I was… different and I was “clearly” not the way I was told I had to be, you know, when being told what boys did and didn’t do… and I was well into doing both. It was the… dawning of understanding; it was knowing that all the stuff I’d been told to that point in my life wasn’t complete or what I was taught wasn’t all there was. I felt weirdly isolated. Different. Not straight but not gay and, again, it took a while for me to realize that while I felt that I was alone, I really wasn’t and, yeah, embarrassingly, that I wasn’t went right over my head because I was incapable of “connecting the dots” as it were but, of course, I would do just that and once I did, that feeling of being the only one like this just vanished.

And I’d learn that this particular rabbit hole was stupidly deep and difficult to navigate. It was amazing to be able to see that the guys who were like me were… like me but also quite different. I’d hear first time stories and while they would be different, there was a… common theme threaded into all of them and my young mind was boggled at how we could be the same and so very different at the same time… but the sameness kinda ended when you got into the details of how one got their feet on this path and one that didn’t get a lot of social attention and I would learn that it didn’t so much because the spotlight was on homosexuals and society was turning up the heat on them like it was nobody’s business.

Shit, I can still feel that rush of discovery I felt the day I stumbled across the word, “bisexual.” A new word to me but not a new word at all – it had been around for a while and since 1892! I knew what I was doing but I didn’t know there was a word for it but now I knew and, yeah, I can still feel that moment of embarrassment when I famously blurted out, “So that’s what I’ve been doing!” quite loudly in the quite of the library and drawing the ire of the librarian at the desk.

Digging deep into my memories, I don’t seem to remember questioning why I liked to have sex with boys and girls. I could dig deep and see that, sure, there were guys I liked and felt close to but that sense of being attracted to them, I dunno, I’ll say it eluded me. For example, the one gay guy in our Band of Very Horny Brothers told me quite a few times that he loved me but I knew that I didn’t feel the same way about him but, yeah, we were close and not just because we were having sex. Sometimes we’d just sit outside of our apartment building and he’d point out how good-looking this guy was or how “ugly” that guy was to him and I could see that how he felt about guys wasn’t the same as I did… but I never really questioned it.

There was my fellow “band members” who I really liked and some, eh, not so much but unless I really didn’t like them, sure – if they wanted to do it, let’s go do it. Hah, sometimes we could get to arguing and even fighting each other and turn right around and go do it and like whatever we were fussing and fighting over never happened. As far as looks went, well, we all looked however we looked, right? Like my very gay friend said, some guys were nice looking and some just weren’t but what I seemed to know was that wasn’t all that important… as long as they wanted to do it and then I would get around to learning that it was even more important to know why they wanted to.

Those lessons would get reinforced listening to girls talk about guys. Head over heels about the good-looking guys, not so much over the guys who weren’t good looking but often saying some pretty shitty things about the good-looking guys who were assholes as far as they were concerned. I understood that we were often told about who we should be attracted to and what that meant but, eh, I was learning that there was something not quite right about those standards because I liked a lot of kids who, to be truthful, weren’t all that good-looking but there were other things about them that I liked that didn’t have anything to do with having sex but, yeah, would put the idea in my head and theirs as well.

All of this is about growing up being bisexual. Getting that very serious wakeup call “right out of the gate” and with little or no understanding about… stuff. You knew how you felt even if it didn’t make sense and amongst us guys, yeah, we sure as hell knew that we shouldn’t have been having sex with each other but, damn, it was just too much fun or, as I say today, it was deliciously nasty. Bad but in a good way, well, most of the time because some guys were just “mean” when they wanted to do it to you. Lots of very important lessons learned in these things along the way and learning them wasn’t easy but I would grow up and run into guys who were “just now” finding out about this and, for them, learning what I already knew was harder for them… but that crazy feeling of being the only one like this still stood out.

I’m going to go back to not questioning why I liked boys and I think it was because I didn’t have a reason to question it. I just did and, honestly, having sex with them, more than likely, cut that questioning off at the pass. A whole decade after my first experience, I would get around to wondering if I was really gay and what was “wrong with me” that I didn’t like guys like that or like gay guys liked me. Well, as it turned out, there was nothing wrong with me and, um, nope, I wasn’t gay – and I still kick my ass to think that it took me ten years to ask that question… and after I’d just had mad crazy sex with my wife.

Yeah, I could be the dumbest smart person you’d ever want to meet. I didn’t question it because I didn’t have to and, yes, I got my whole world shaken up when I did the one thing I’d hear a lot of guys say they’d never do and it was unimaginable and impossible: I fell in love with a guy. Now, he was very good-looking to me but that’s not what attracted me and gave me that very serious – and, I think, necessary wakeup call: It was his personality.

I was “surrounded” by a lot of men who had their own ideas about what “going both ways” meant. There was always the sex but a lot of those guys were, as I’d say today, late to the party and, as such and as it seemed, they couldn’t see “the bigger picture” I grew up being exposed to and it was rare to run into a guy who was into being bisexual like I was and wanting to dig around to really understand this bisexual thing that was sex but much more than that. Understanding that the things we deemed to be both different and desirable wasn’t really the way all of this worked and that, yeah, you had to be able to look past what you could see with your eyes and pay very close attention to what your ears might hear and be able to “look into a guy’s soul” to find what was really attractive about him or what made him ugly and undesirable in any way or context.

I remember a gay guy telling me that I was overthinking all of this and, well, he was probably right but I recognized that he had a totally different perspective because his attractions weren’t doubled like mine were. His… motivations were different and, shit, yeah, because I was understanding a lot of shit about sexuality, to someone else, I was overthinking it all but I really wasn’t because what I had to understand was a lot more complex than just saying I liked men and having a duality about me – and one that even other bisexuals weren’t able to really understand – made it my mission to understand it. All of it. To see that the differences we make regarding sexuality aren’t really all that different because if you could get your head into a clear space, you could see that we weren’t all that different except in our sexual and emotional attractions and even that wasn’t really different since we all get sexually and emotionally attracted in some way or form and not always as a matter of course.

I’d run into newbie bisexuals, and they’d worry themselves sick trying to figure out why they feel the way they do – and that included feeling totally alone in this. I would continue and constantly see how our morality and social norms just mindfucked the shit out of us and, because I was so… anal about finding out why I was the way I was, I even learned why there was a need to mindfuck us and that things could happen in certain ways or even at certain moments when we could get ourselves unfucked and exposed to a reality that no one is supposed to be aware of.

Like, um, being heterosexual, bisexual, and homosexual were just different “versions” of the same thing. I knew about the inherent fluidity before folks today started clamoring about it and had learned that it wasn’t so much about picking a side and as we were all now being told do to: There’s so much fluidity in our thoughts and feelings that can take one from straight to bi to gay and back again and literally from one moment in time to the next and I’m talking seconds and slices of seconds and that most people aren’t even aware that they’re doing this – but some folks catch themselves being fluid and the social conditioning kicks in to shut it down because, as I learned, we are institutionalized into the way things are supposed to be… until we find out for ourselves that this ain’t the only way things can be.

I’d see so many men and women struggle with this and would sometimes ask myself why I didn’t… but the answer to that was easy: I grew up with this and my curiosity and intelligence allowed me to better cope with having my social conditioning broken and, really, changed to include some stuff… and I just took it all in stride and just like so many others I would encounter who grew up with this and I did because it was easier to feel being attracted to both boys and girls and while it could be confusing, eh, it was just more fun and easier to just run with it and not ask why so much but, again, having that feeling of being the only one.

Of all the things I’ve learned about bisexuality and being bisexual, this is one of the things I’ve not been able to figure out. It’s so… universal. I remember being in the UK and talking to a bi guy (and, yes, we’d had sex) and even he was telling me about how alone he felt and that it took him being in a local forum to realize that he wasn’t alone or the only one and once he realized this, that feeling just went away. I would think – and on my flight back home – that, wow, this was some crazy shit that just defied my ability to understand and more so when I’d have men and women mention this very familiar feeling and they’ve asked me why they felt this way…

And my answer would be, “I don’t know…” and, well, I hate not knowing something. I know that it’s real and not all that imagined; I know the moment someone feeling this way “gets told” that, nope, you’re not as alone in this as you feel, the feeling goes away or, yeah, like what happened to me, it just dawned on me and in that “duh” kind of way and, yep, made me feel pretty stupid for overlooking the obvious. What I don’t know is why. Some kind of paradigm shift or some other metaphysical thing that has eluded me.

I still think that it’s that… departure from that which we consider “normal” that evokes this feeling. We’re not heterosexual but we’re not homosexual. I sit back and watch debates about the labels that are known to us and how all of this is so… upsetting to individual sensibilities that we even make up words that, upon further review, are just a way to avoid saying that we’re bisexual and understanding – and because I’ve had a long time to delve into this stuff – that our social conditioning is very damned invasive that it really does mess with our heads when we have thoughts, feelings, or even actions that breaks it and a lot of minds can’t deal with it. What’s the difference between bisexual and homoflexible? There is no real difference but if you believe that it’s different, well, that’s what you believe even though – and as I’d find out in so many conversations I’ve had with other bisexuals, yeah – they know they’re bisexual and that they quack like the bisexual duck they are.

But social norms continue to say that thou shalt not quack like that duck and if you’re going to quack like one, be a straight or gay duck. Quack, quack. And that that very high level? We all quack like some kind of duck and we can be this kind of duck but find that being another duck… works for us. It sit back and watch bisexuals “losing their shit” over being bisexual and in some pretty interesting ways and I say to myself, “They don’t really get it… because they’re looking in the wrong place.” I get it – being bisexual is so deeply personal and to the point where we really don’t “get out of our own heads” about it and while a lot of bisexuals spend “more time” defending themselves or trying to convince themselves that they’re not the duck they’re quacking like, it doesn’t lend itself to getting one’s head above the clouds and seeing – and understanding – that, for one, the labels are what they are and are needed to describe and define things but what’s really at work is…

Us being human. The highly sociosexual animals we have always been but with a level of intelligence that, um, makes us some dumb smart people when you get right down to it… and it’s our social conditioning that continues to mindfuck us and can even continue to “haunt” us once we set ourselves apart from that insular conditioning. I found myself… swamped and nearly overwhelmed by all of this and have sometimes thought that I should “be like everyone else” and not pay attention to this… but I can’t “unsee” what I’ve learned, and my “problem” has been that not only do I continue to understand this about myself, but I also get asked about this by a lot of people. They need answers and, um, I might be able to answer them because if I don’t like knowing, there are others who also don’t like knowing what the fuck is going on with them and especially when they grew up under the auspices that what’s going on with them isn’t supposed to happen.

It’s the thing that makes me enjoy talking to Cityman about this. He gets it and sees it in similar ways as I do – and he figured a lot of this out on his own and I just confirm stuff for him or “correct” this or that. He loves that I’m so comfortable being bisexual and I remind him that I grew up with this; I didn’t find out about this as an adult and now I have to “undo” x-amount of years and decades of being one way and having to adjust to being another way and, oh, yeah, a way that has gotten a bad rep and just like homosexuality got one.

And, yes, he, too, felt like he was the only one. I’ll say it again: I can remember how stupid I felt when I finally figured out that if I’m having sex with guys and gals – and the guys I’m having sex with are also having sex with girls, um, it’s impossible that I am the only one who’s like this. I just had the good fortune to have gone through this when I was younger and before I was a teenager.

I know a lot about this… but I don’t know why almost every bisexual I’ve ever met has felt that “I’m the only one thing.” I can’t explain it and what I think about it, well, I know that I can be wrong, and I just might be. Like, um, I can explain to a guy why sucking a guy’s dick feels “normal;” I can explain why a guy finds that he’s just good at doing something he’d never done before but that’s because I understand some science shit that most people don’t want to be bothered with… but I can’t explain this damned “I’m the only one like this” thing or how this just goes over one’s head and, if they’re sexually active in these things, makes them overlook the obvious.

What I do know is how… relieved a lot of men and women become to find out that, nope, you’ve never been alone in this. Welcome to the party! Watching men and women have “being attracted” redefined for them but also watching them… nitpick the shit out of it but that’s because our social norms pretty much make us nitpick it. The best looking; the most fit; the biggest dick; the tightest pussy; so on and so forth and being so much in our own heads about these things that we can’t – or don’t want to – see that this isn’t really how being bisexual works and, indeed, it’s very much inline with heteronormative stuff and this, too, is understandable… because it’s what we know. It’s what we’ve been taught and since so many of us are left to our own devices, it makes sense for us to go with what we know, right?

Right. And more so when you don’t know what I have learned and, yeah, sometimes, I wish I hadn’t learned it and, sometimes, being blissfully “ignorant” would be a lovely walk in the park. In a very serious way, I mindfucked myself by asking a question: How can something everyone says is so bad feel so good? Then I went looking for the answer to this as well as dealing with that “I’m the only one like this” thing. Then I found the answer to my question and learned that the answer was way more than the simplified version: It’s bad because everyone really does say that it is and it feels good… because it’s supposed to…

Because humans do very much love sex, well, until shit happens to fuck that up at the individual levels but, still – it’s part of the nature of what we are, that highly sociosexual animal that, indeed, our morals and norms try to keep us from seeing and we sure as fuck shouldn’t be doing anything about. I think what causes that “I’m the only one like this” thing is not being able to connect the dots, as I put it earlier. It’s a very personal disconnect from that which is considered and mandated to be normal – and that includes that annoying “people are either straight or they’re gay” thing that bisexuality proves isn’t right or the truth and, well, I’d say that the mind “can’t handle” being disconnected from that and it feels like you’re all alone in this and, yup, a guy could be all into the sex and never connect the dots and subject to overlooking the obvious. This gets even weirder because I think there’s a part of us that “knows” we’re not the only one but sits back in the cut and waits for the rest of us to get caught up.

Or something like that. I really don’t know but my not knowing this has played a role in my knowing what I do know and, again, I know I mindfucked myself… and I’m okay with that because I am seriously comfortable in my bisexual skin. I grew up with this and did… stuff so much that it just became my normal. And, yeah, damn it all to hell, I wanted to know why it was normal. Sheesh. See, I can admit this because if bisexuality hasn’t taught me anything, it’s taught me about myself and I’d be lying if I said that being made to see myself was always… nice and pretty. I am seriously passionate about being bisexual and I’ve not stopped being in awe of how liberating it feels to not just be straight or gay.

The “best of both worlds” but understanding that there was never just “two worlds” – but we got mindfucked into believing this and, again, that departure makes one feel like they’re the only one who’s thinking, feeling and, yup, doing things this way. Being able to see and understand that it’s really not “bad” that people are gay – but because we say it is, it must be bad. That being straight is good and the best way to be is, well, not really the truth because I know way too many people who started out being happily straight… and now they’re bisexual and, um, I helped them realize this thing about them and proved that, nope – you are, most definitely, not the only one.

You’re not alone… and you’ve never been alone because we are legion. Uncountable. We take what we think we know about sexuality, love, sex, and relationships, and just totally trash the shit out of it. And that upsets a lot of people to learn that what they thought they knew – and what they believed – isn’t the truth of what we can be, you know, if ya didn’t mind being.

Being inside my head is… interesting and even I think it is. I was thinking about all of this because when it comes to bisexuality, there is so much more to it that’s “behind the scenes” and stuff that, well, some folks aren’t of a mind to talk about but, yeah, y’all should know me by now.

If you didn’t know, now you know why I am the way I am and how I see and understand being bisexual and it’s… different but, no, I’m not the only one who sees it like this.

You know, in case you were wondering. Is it too much information? Probably but I tend to not think that way since I know how bisexuality can change someone’s life… and they’ll have questions that I might have the answers to because I needed the answers so I could understand myself.

Because I am bisexual.

 
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Posted by on 14 May 2022 in Today's Bisexual Thoughts

 

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Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: 13 May 22

Let’s see… what’s on my mind today? Well, the first and obvious thing is that it’s Friday the 13th and then I didn’t really remember this until I grabbed my pills for today and the container has a “13” on it. Oh, yeah… that’s right.

Which got me to thinking that one of the reasons why there are people bitching about bisexuals being invisible is that, well, not everything we do has something to do with having sex – we have everyday stuff to do and like everyone else does and, as such, well, we don’t “stand out” in any way… unless you get all up in our business and while there are those of us who “don’t mind” you being in our business, there are many more who would prefer that you mind your bee’s wax.

When all of this invisibility shit came out, I was incredulous and even laughing at this rather moronic behavior. I thought, “Hmm – they must have us confused with gay people…” because there are people who are openly and proudly put their gayness on display and… bisexuals, well, you can’t look at us and tell that we are. In those early days of this bullshit, I got a sense that the people who were losing their shit about this were… afraid. Very afraid. I think it hit them that, like I said, you can’t look at a bisexual and tell that they are and, holy shit – they’re everywhere!

I like to fuck with these people by telling them, truthfully, that we can be anyone that you might see… or know. You could be standing right next to me and not know that I’m bisexual so, as such, yeah – there could be people you know that are bisexual… and you don’t know that they are. Your friends. Your spouse or partner. Your children. Hell, even your parents. The only way you would know is if you happened to find out in some way. Does wearing Pride paraphernalia identify one as bisexual? It could but, ah, keep in mind that Pride has a lot of supporters and some of them are quite heterosexual.

That’s not much of a giveaway, methinks. All of this has, sadly, invoked the fear of other in a lot of people. Bisexuality advocates have been busy letting it be known that we’re not invisible and, oh, yeah, you can’t erase us, either. You can dislike the fact that bisexuality is real and so are bisexuals but, uh-huh, the thing I write is that we are legion and, yes, the most disturbing fact is the very one I mentioned above:

You wouldn’t know that we are unless we told you. And if you were to ask, eh, we just might categorically deny that we’re bisexual… because who wants to listen to a bunch of shit about not being straight and shit that we have learned is bullshit? Still, at that high level of things, we go about our day and lives just like everyone else does.

I got to thinking about this… fear being displayed and it didn’t take me long to figure out what the deal was with it because I’ve been subjected to it before and, namely, someone thinking that my sexuality has something to do with them. Women get highly offended and get to thinking that they’re not good enough or whatever nonsense they tend to spout and not thinking that if that was the case, um, we wouldn’t be together. Accusations of being gay used to piss me off but I learned not to be that way because, well, duh, I know that I’m not gay and while I do like me some dick, I’m not about to leave a woman just to be with a man.

You just get tired of listening to this. Likewise, oh, wow. At times, it’s been difficult for me to not start laughing in a guy’s face because, okay, he learned that I’m bi… and now he’s 100% sure that I’m going to jump his bones and ravage him and make him gay like I am. I think I’ve further “hurt their feelings” to tell them that, no: I wouldn’t sleep with you if my life depended on it. I mean that. Don’t flatter yourself – you’re not that interesting to me. But, um, do you remember when I told you to never ask me questions you really didn’t want to hear the answers to? Apparently not. Now here you are acting all weird and shit and the most hurtful thing to me is that before this came out, we were cool with each other.

And now we aren’t. I’m an affront to what you believe and, by the way, what you believe is bullshit and I happen to know that and way better than you do. I would love to tell you that I don’t know how something about me turns into something about them… but I do know because most people can’t “see past their own noses,” to put it that way. I understand why so many feel as if I’ve lied or betrayed them but they also don’t seem to understand that everyone has some stuff about them that they’d prefer not to become “public knowledge” and I’m not really different from anyone else in this regard but, okay, you found out and now I’m the bad guy.

When it’s you that needs a reality check – I’m just gonna mention that in between you still losing your shit over something that I’m pretty sure you don’t know a damned thing about. I do appreciate that you don’t really want to know – and you’ve demonstrated that by your reaction, by the way – but I am what I am and, again, until we had this discussion, we didn’t have any problems. Did I lie because I didn’t mention this to you? Um, no, but I understand that lie of omission thing and how insular it can be because, you know, given that you, too, have some things about you that I’m sure I could say that you should have told me about but you didn’t and if I were to find out somewhere down the road, I wouldn’t call you a liar nor would I feel betrayed in any way unless, you know, you were purposely trying to betray me and I think I’m observant enough to know that when I see it.

Or you can’t bullshit a bullshitter. For myself, all this freaking out over being invisible and, yeah, that stupid-assed straight privilege thing only serves to let people put their fears out there for everyone to see… and there are a lot of very fearful people out there. I applaud what homosexuals had to go through to be treated, oh, yeah, like everyone else gets treated but in a lot of ways, eh, they didn’t do us bisexuals any favors because now, bisexuality advocates are raising the roof for our right to be treated like everyone else…

And I’ll ask you to think about that one. Really. Even seriously. If you do – and I hope that you do – then maybe you can see why this is some pretty insane shit. We don’t need to be given a right to do what we’ve been doing since the day we were born: Living. Doing the things we see that are necessary toward that very lofty goal. Ah, but the difference here – and the one that freaks a lot of people out – is that, bluntly, when we want and need to get laid, we’re not picky about our partner being male or female… or however they chose to identify.

Otherwise, “you can’t see us” because we look like… anyone. Everyone. Shit, our mannerisms could be interpreted as us being gay but trust me: We aren’t. Yeah, I’ve had people question my sexuality because, to them, I “look gay” but then they get shocked to find out – and keep in mind they’ll get shocked if I choose to entertain them in this – that, nope, I’m not gay and, honestly, I wouldn’t want to be… because, to be blunt again, I like pussy and dick. Which has nothing to do with you but, okay, I get it. That indicates that while you’re now thinking that there’s something wrong with me, you just told me that, well, I’m not the one with the problem – and how do you like them apples, hmm?

We fear that which we don’t understand. We can be so insular and institutionalized in our beliefs that the truth cannot be accepted and to the point where, again, a lot of people think that bisexual is just another word for homosexual… and, um, that kinds speaks to a lack of education if you don’t know that these are two different words to describe and define two different sexualities.

I’d be happy to explain it to you. And if you need proof, well, I can do that, too, you know, if you’re not of a mind to take my word for it but given how I’ve seen how badly a lot of people have behaved to find out that I’m bisexual, hmm, it would be in everyone’s best interest to accept that I am what I say I am, it has nothing to do with you – and if it did, you just changed my mind about that – and let me get back to what I was doing… which is and was probably some of the same things everyone else does from the moment they wake up until they go to sleep.

Save your ire and loathing for someone who gives a fuck… because I don’t and, really, I can’t because my time would be better spent… doing what I normally do each and every day. Chances are that if your feelings are hurt, I’m not really the reason why they got hurt – it’s your lack of understanding of how things really work and your continued believe in some shit that I’m living proof ain’t a part of the reality that I am all too aware of. Not supposed to does not ever mean can’t. And, if you were really paying attention, that should be fucking obvious to you since, um, gay people are real, aren’t they?

And if they are, so are bisexuals. Your real problem with us is that, again, unless we tell you, you don’t know… and that’s enough to get one’s fear of the other acting like a self-righteous fool. Like I told Cityman the other day, this ain’t rocket science; it’s not that hard to see the logical sense in that if there are homosexuals – and there sure the fuck are homosexuals – bisexuals are not outside the realm of possibility and that “people are either straight or gay” bullshit is bullshit created by people who can’t wrap their heads around the truth of what it means to be human.

I’m not in denial about what I am. Again, I’m just like any guy you can see on any given day… except. I’ve been going through my life just like any other guy… except. I have chased women; I’ve loved them and lost them and, yes, enjoyed having carnal knowledge of them… except. What you don’t know – and what I have determined that you might not need to know – is that I’m not opposed to having carnal knowledge of men and, yeah, I’ve “chased” guys, I seriously loved a guy and, hell, yeah – having sex with men is some good shit…

Because it’s sex. More than just that but, yeah, that. but even in this, I’m not all that different from anyone else who likes to get laid – I’m just not straight and I’m not gay; “monosexual,” a term I ran across one day, doesn’t apply to me and it never did and I’ve been like this for damned near all of my life… and a life spent doing what everyone else does day in and day out. Trying to survive. To live and love; to relate in some way and, again, ya mon, get my rocks off with everyone who’ll let me get my rocks off with them and mutually so.

There is no way for anyone to know that I know this unless they’re observant and intuitive or I let the cat out of the bag or, yeah, someone who knows outed me. Outside of that? I look like, as far as sexuality goes, like everyone else. I do the same things everyone else does as far as all that life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness stuff goes. I would often think, after someone tried to give me some shit about my sexuality, that there are a lot of things about me that stand out… but the only thing you see is that I don’t have any qualms about sucking a guy’s dick or him sucking mine or, yeah, if we’re feeling each other like that, fucking each other silly. I know what it looks like: It’s gay. But I’m not gay and, yeah, there’s some shit about that you probably don’t know… but I do.

Some homosexuals enjoy heterosexual sex. It’s – wait for it – just not something they’d do all of the time. Even they aren’t all that different in that they, too, go about their lives just like everyone else does and in the way they see fit for themselves. Once upon a time, no one could see this; they weren’t supposed to; they were taught to hate homosexuals because they were different, and that difference was to be the focus of great ire, prejudice, and abject hatred and violence.

Bisexuals are the new target. People are just… stupid like that. Letting their fears make them foolish and literally so because what they don’t understand is that we are like them… except. I worked and all that. Raised a family (and in an interesting way, too). I’ve been up and down just like everyone else has been; I’ve had my good and bad days and all that and when you look at me, you just see one of billions of people who are going about their lives…

Except. That one thing that’s really none of your business unless, um, you know, you want or see reason to make it your business and that might not be a good thing for you to do because just like anyone else, I do not like being fucked with and have no truck with the dumb shit. Been there. Heard it too many times and even heartbreakingly so. You see me as being different and that does allow you to let you see that except for the way I like to have sex, we’re not all that different.

And you can’t see it like you can see gay folks, but you also haven’t learned that your eyes can deceive you and it’s not us, as bisexuals, who are the deceivers because we know what we are… and it’s not our fault that you can’t see us and sure as fuck can’t get your head around the fact that, well, we’re bisexual. It’s not our fault that you believe what you do and for whatever reason you do and if you find us to be scary, well, that’s on you, ain’t it? Again, I’m no different from anyone else in that if there’s something I deem or decide you don’t need to know, you’re not going to know and, yes, I will exercise my right to “plead the fifth” and at any time of my choosing and even utter one of my favorite things: I will neither confirm nor deny any knowledge of this. Because I can. I have the right to and just like everyone else does.

Except. It’s always the exception. You can’t look at me and tell that I know some shit about sex that you don’t and that’s not just the acts that can be done. You look at me and you see a 66-year-old Black man with a limp and a “beer belly…” but you cannot see the bisexual that I’ve been for approaching six decades. I’m just like a lot of people… except.

I woke up. Got washed, somewhat dressed, took my medicines and sat down to enjoy a cup of coffee… and just like a lot of people did today and maybe you, too. Except. Underlying that which you can see is how I like to have sex and, yeah, I’m well within my right to say that it’s none of your business but, nah, I really don’t care if you do know because, even in this, I’m not different from everyone else: I love getting laid.

Except. It just seems to bother the fuck out of people because there’s no way for them to know who’s bisexual and who isn’t and I can understand what scares the fuck out of them given that they believe some shit that, oh, yeah, bisexuals learn and know ain’t the truth. I understand our need to give voice to that what scares us or to object to anyone who isn’t like us – that’s just being human… and like everyone damned one of us are.

You can’t see us. Not our problem but it’s been made to be and a lot of bisexuals are losing their ever-loving shit over the allegations of us not being real, invisible, and all that other dumb shit that, if they were to stop losing their shit over this, they’d see what I’ve seen for the longest time… and then just go on with their lives… just like everyone else is doing.

As a bisexual, I am not invisible; there’s just something about me that I may or may not decide to let you know about. Not because I’m ashamed of what I am but because I do not have the patience, time, or inclination to listen to people losing their fucking minds over something they don’t know about and they sure as fuck don’t know it like I do. To many, that makes me the bad guy, but I’m used to that, too – and just like every guy winds up having to deal with.

Except.

Except.

Except.

 
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Posted by on 13 May 2022 in Today's Bisexual Thoughts

 

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Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: 12 May 22

One of the things I loved about the World Wide Web was the creation of online forums. Yahoo and MSN had a lot of good ones where bisexuals from all over could come and talk about bisexuality and being bisexual and to share sexy stories.

They allowed me to see a broader picture of male bisexuality and, in particular, the stuff first-timers were going through trying to have their first time. There seemed to be two camps: Those who wanted their first time to be with someone who was just as inexperienced as they were and those who wanted someone with a great deal of experience.

And I thought, even then, “Huh?” to see how many budding bi guys didn’t want someone with experience to show them the ropes. Some of those early forum members would give the would-be first-timers da bizness by equating their desire or preference in this to the blind leading the blind, a sentiment that, back then, I didn’t necessarily disagree with but I would eventually retreat to a more neutral position on this because I realized that I had a bias that was created because my first time was with someone who was experienced with sex. I wasn’t as much “taught the ropes” as I was tossed in to sink or swim and I was swimming like a fish in the male bisexuality waters.

So I wanted to know why a guy wouldn’t want someone who was experienced to show them what the big deal was about guys having sex with each other. What I would learn is that a lot of first-timers were quite afraid of someone with a wealth of experience taking advantage of them and not being willing to take things slowly and, yes, some of those guys back then were sorely afraid that someone with all that experience would turn them into gay men.

I could understand that given how many times I could now think about where a newbie got scooped up by someone with that wealth of experience and they just ravaged these poor guys by, I thought, either assuming that they were really experienced or not giving a fuck if they were. I also had a thought that, um, guys like virgins and being able to get a virgin to give up their cherry was something to crow about and, no, don’t ask me why because I’m not sure that I can answer that.

What I did know was that some guys loved to get an inexperienced and naive virgin so that they could mold them into the kind of sex partner they really wanted to have. It wasn’t always a bad thing but, yeah, I can probably remember a lot of true horror stories that, if nothing else, served to keep worsening our reputation as men.

I would come to think that, okay, it’s not like two newbies couldn’t get together and figure out what they can do with each other – it’s not rocket science then or now. However, there are pitfalls that experienced guys have learned about that I’d say some newbies couldn’t avoid because while common sense is always a valuable commodity, many of the pitfalls and potholes were known things and common sense can’t help you with something you didn’t know about, like, someone with experience telling you about them and how to best avoid them. There is great value in learning something together, though, so an inexperienced first timer wanting someone who is just as inexperienced actually makes a lot of sense.

I would feel that the guys clamoring for someone with experience to show them all of the ropes were of a mind to not take things all that slowly; they wanted to hit the ground running and while I thought that this sentiment didn’t make a lot of sense, I would recant that thought because I would see guys bothering to explain that they wanted to be taken to school in this and the quicker, the better because it might not give them a chance to chicken out over their decision to have sex with other guys.

Hmm.

I would see a lot of guys talking about how that shared level of inexperience would allows the two guys in question to learn at their own speed; I would see guys who were “traumatized” by another guy’s experience level because the newbie would want to take baby steps and the more experienced guy wasn’t having any of it because teaching and developing the various skills and techniques takes time and a lot of experienced guys I’d come into contact with – and those on the forums – were of a mind to not waste their time waiting for a new guy to get up to speed and some even felt that a first timer with zero experience should know what to do.

I’ll be damned if I understood how that could work but, yeah, that’s what some guys were saying and that was more “proof” of why many inexperienced guys would, say, head for the hills if they were to come into contact with someone like me who had decades of experiences with men under my belt – and you can laugh at the somewhat intended pun. Indeed, a lot of the guys I would give their first experience two were quite leery about me being way more experienced than they were; I was… very scary to them and I just knowing that used to offend the shit out of me because I wasn’t one of those guys who’d take a rookie and just throw them into the deep end.

That was because I had realized that if someone had taken the time to show me the ropes and in a “slow” way, I wouldn’t have had such a hard time learning about the pros and cons of men having sex with each other. It wasn’t that hard for me to learn but, still – forewarned is forearmed and it’s always good to be able to make informed decisions. So since I wasn’t so much taught the ropes, I could see the value in taking the time and care to ease a guy into whatever it was he thought he wanted or needed to do and while that would get them looking at me, as a very experienced bisexual, in a good light, it didn’t do much for the reputation a lot of guys had and the great impatience with guys who wanted to take things slowly and be better informed about what they were getting into… and what would be getting into them.

Experience is the best teacher but when it comes to this, finding out some things the hard way doesn’t always teach the lessons we learn the “right way” because all it takes is a guy thinking that he can do a thing or handle this or that… and then they run into the type of guy that a “teacher” would have warned them to avoid and now they find out that they’ve gotten themselves in over their head and “escaping” the errors they made wasn’t going to happen… and now they wind up with a bad sexual experience beating on them like money is owed.

And I would run into a lot of guys whose first experience was very less than the stellar event they imagined and/or expected. I would have a hard time convincing them that it was okay for them to have the sex that they wanted to have and/or to unfuck them from the things that getting tossed in had them all fucked up over and then getting them to understand that while being able to have sex with guys is nice and all that, if you have some kind of fairy tale in your head about it, get rid of it… because there are guys out there looking to bed you who aren’t going to be as nice about things as I learned I had to be.

Being inside the head of a former first timer whose first time was a nightmare for them is a very bad, sad, and scary place to be. It’s the situation that taught me that what you don’t know can hurt you and the scars and wounds aren’t going to be visible… but with the wrong guy, they could be since, sad to say, some guys are just mindless animals when their dicks get hard. I was seeing many instances where “the blind leading the blind” often caused similar wounds and scars because those guys were making mistakes that experienced guys just learned not to make and all because of what they didn’t know about this.

This is the part where I say, again, that two inexperienced guys getting together and figuring it out on their own isn’t always a bad thing… but I’m the guy who’ll let you in on the “secrets” that even among ourselves, we don’t talk about all that much. It’s just that we pay more attention to the horror stories – and the more horrifying the story, the more attention it gets and gets believed – than we do all of the stories where things came out just fine and dandy – and the pun is, again, intended.

Thanks to those early forums that appeared in the early 1990s, I learned a lot of stuff and a lot of it was stuff that, indeed and in fact, I’d already known about but when you go from being limited to whatever information was available in your local environment to being inundated with information from around the world, hell, yeah – what a rush that was for me. “Doing it the right way” is so arbitrary because every one of us has to learn and determine what that means to us at the individual level. Even back then, a lot of guys would pursue this and with little real understanding of what they were getting themselves into and the only available model was… the 100% homosexual one. A good thing? Not so much and as a lot of first timers would discover the hard way – but something a more experienced guy would have already learned because being male and bisexual isn’t just about having sex with guys and while a guy does have to learn how to do this, the piece that the homosexual model doesn’t provide is the heterosexual piece that is inherent in bisexuality.

Today, I see this inexperienced versus experienced thing still very much in play… and, yeah, it just amazes me that this thing still exists but understanding that how to be a male bisexual doesn’t get paid forward so “history” just keeps repeating itself and in a cycle that works out fine for some guys and not so much for others. The guys who are sitting on the bench and waiting for an experienced bi guy to take them in hand and show them what’s really up about this always speak to the other guy having to be totally on board with them taking things slowly.

It’s not that there’s really a whole lot that has to be learned but that’s not really the point of things: It’s that it does take guys x-amount of time to reconcile things in their minds so to be able to take a lot of baby steps serves well for them to do this internal reconciliation while learning some stuff that they could only imagine or dream about or, yeah, sit around jerking off to watching porn. Learning how to suck a dick or to take one in your ass is a lot easier than the many details involved is and while a first timer could be committed to having that first time, it was about being able to understand what they were getting themselves into… and why they wanted to.

In the 1990s, instant gratification was very much becoming a thing. A lot of guys were of the “less talking, more fucking” frame of mind (and even if fucking wasn’t the thing being wanted) and a lot of first timers were petrified to be face with this mindset and I could understand that given how many guys I knew of who got tossed in to sink or swim… and they sank like a chunk of lead or, worse, I thought, were left floundering and trying to keep their heads above the very deep waters they found themselves in.

And finding out that with the right experienced guy, they would have had an idea of just how deep those waters could be before and, yep, making it easier to learn how to swim. I would get around to understanding that what… confuses all of this debate even more is that while some guys really do have to be taught how to have sex with a guy, some guys are just naturals at it. Their “sexual instincts” are on-point and, well, it just makes sense to them that this is how you do this and they just take to it all like the proverbial ducks to water… but even some of those guys would find the waters to be… too choppy for their liking because just because you could, say, suck a dick like an old pro didn’t prepare you for the other aspects of male sexuality and, well, let’s just say that being a natural at it doesn’t always make it easier to wrap your head around the often very stark realities involved.

Yeah… some guys would be like, “Hold my beer – I got this!” and find out that, nope, they didn’t have it because whatever thing they had in their head that told them that sucking a guy’s cock was easy would prove to be anything but. There are things to be learned about sucking a dick and a lot of inexperienced guys, as they would discover, would learn these things the hard way when, if they got with an experienced guy who was willing to “tell it all,” their first time sucking a dick would be a lot easier to do and much easier on their sensibilities… and sensibilities that may not yet be fully onboard with this very immoral thing for men to do to each other.

Cityman and I talked about this and even he said that he wished that he had met me before he’d had his first experience and I allowed that despite being tossed in, he did… better than a lot of first timers do when they find themselves hurled unceremoniously into the deep end of the pool. My protege didn’t totally freak out but he was, um, I’ll say, moderately freaked out. It wasn’t that he didn’t understand what happened – he didn’t understand why it did. He had the benefit of being able to talk about this with someone who’s been there and done pretty much all of that and could explain to him, as best as possible, why he found himself in bed with a guy who pretty much sucked his soul right out of his body.

Of course, he asked me whether I would have preferred experience over inexperience and I explain to him that, first, it was a moot point since I got tossed in so trying to “divine” if things would have been better for me to learn the ropes “slowly,” well, that’s an effort in futility because there’s no way for me to know this since, um, that’s not what happened. Indeed, even with the guys in my Band of Very Horny Brothers, we did learn together but it was always a safe bet that if something “new” was discovered, one of us got schooled in it and, as such, we taught it to the others – and then it was left up to them whether it agreed with them or not. Something like being in a top/bottom 69 with a guy is, in fact, something both guys have to learn how to do and while, comparatively speaking, it’s not that difficult a thing to pick up on, it was just easier to do so when you had a guy who was “well experienced” with this showing an inexperienced guy how to do it and, if they could, explain why it was good and bad to suck dick this way.

I could go back into my memories and see how two inexperienced guys would develop “bad habits” that, again, experienced guys would learn about and know not to get into… and explaining to you what those bad habits were isn’t that easy for me to do but if there was a “number one bad habit,” I’d have to say that it was the assumption that what worked on one guy would work on all guys. Such a thing would often result in feelings getting very badly hurt and now the former first timer is sitting back and second-guessing themselves over this when, if they had a patient and experienced guy for that first time, they would have learned the very obvious thing that all guys are not the same when it comes to these things.

That was something I’d learned right away but given that me and da fellas were learning all of this together, this particular faux pax wasn’t as bad as it could have been and as bad as I would, down the road, hear that it was for some guys. Yeah… if you think it’s easy to be and become a bi guy, I’d ask you to guess again. Getting experience, duh, is a lot more than diving in and doing whatever. Yes, that level of experience teaches much but I know of guys who have been doing this and as long as I’ve been doing it… and there’s much about this that they don’t know.

Then again, it’s not like I’d expect a guy to be as knowledgeable about this as I felt – and still feel – I have to be and more so when it’s a very good chance that I will come in contact with more first timers than experienced guys – and my history tends to bear this out. Just lucky, I guess. What I know is that I wouldn’t leave a first timer to his own devices because I’ve seen how badly it can go – and that’s being nice about it. Yes, there are things that I feel that we have to learn the hard way because talking about a thing doesn’t always match the reality so, yeah, experience once again becomes the best teacher but the difference is that if you take the time to school a guy about this, they can make as much of an informed decision as possible and if things go sideways, well, they knew it could… and now they really know. Now it’s all about deciding to do something again or not and if so, doing it in a way that doesn’t “hurt” so much.

I’d not say that inexperienced guys can’t learn all of this together because they do and learning this way has the benefit of creating or strengthening the bonds that can bind us and in non-sexual ways. I’d say that it’s a lot more comfortable than being tossed in and your sexual fate is up in the air… and I would prefer that a first timer be comfortable getting into the pool, a sentiment that I’ve had some guys give me da bizness over and them telling me that I shouldn’t care so much about them sinking or swimming… and these are the experienced guys a first timer I say they should avoid like COVID-19.

Sigh. There are things that inexperienced guys should and shouldn’t do and things that experienced guys shouldn’t do with the inexperienced. If I were a first-timer today, I’d want someone to take the time to school me on all of this stuff and not just the sex parts… but, yeah, it’s moot because for me, I know now what I know now, you know, if that makes sense – it sounded better in my head. In this, sigh, it’s not so much about what going to happen when you’re about to plunge – it’s about what could happen after the fact that’s “up in the air” and some of the things that could happen after the fact can behave like a delayed reaction.

Your mind “finally catches up” with what you did and may give you some serious shit about it… or it’ll remain silent except for maybe wondering when you can do it again or if you even want to. I think that it’s important for one looking for their first experience to be aware of these things before plunging which is why I go out of my way to make sure that a potential first timer understands what I’m telling them before any plunging happens… because I learned the hard way what can happen if I just assume that they understood me.

Why bother at all? Because if someone – male or female – is looking to have their first same-sex experience, I would be oh, so happy if their first experience was an amazing one for them both during and after the fact. I have found that it’s damned important to give them that first experience then “leave them hanging” if they have questions or find themselves bothered by what was done. It’s not that two inexperienced people, again, can’t figure it out but I just think it’s “best” to have someone who can provide answers and, importantly, let them know that feeling guilty about it is normal but it’s okay and now the thing to is to not let feelings of guilt or “inadequacy” start messing with them if they plan to keep on plunging.

And, if they’re one and done, that’s okay, too. Sighing again. I just believe that inexperienced first times should be “educated” and not just in how to suck a dick or whatever. The internet is overloaded with information about bisexuality, and I’d not say that all of it is bad or faulty but, um, yeah, it’s not the source of information I’d count on if I was plunging for the first time.

I just feel some kind of way about the “debate” on inexperienced versus experienced for someone’s first time. Both can work… and both have their downside but, ah, an experienced bisexual such as myself could tell you this – see how I did that and how it can work? What you do – and how to do it – is important and is it really that hard to figure out? Nope. But that’s not what determines whether a first timer sinks or swim and no matter if they ease into the pool or get heaved in: It’s what happens after the fact and even during it, i.e., minds being changed one way or the other and dealing with yourself after having sex in a way that’s prohibited.

I’ve told some guys that they only think they know how to handle things after the fact but, okay, go ahead – I’m not above letting someone find out the hard way and telling them, “I told you…” You don’t have to believe me and it’s okay to go ahead and find things out yourself since this is very much a part of owning your bisexuality and making it yours, defining it for yourself and not letting bisexuality define you and in the cookie-cutter way that seems to be these days and that I have “issue” with.

We believe that one must crawl before they can walk but even in this, the reality can be different; like, my mom told me that I never crawled – I just started walking and, well, I have no choice but to believe her since I don’t remember if I did or not. There’s being careful about what you want to do and being too careful which, in my experiences, isn’t always a good thing. It’s okay to be bold and daring and just jump right on in there with an experienced guy but I’d like it if you did that while being armed with the knowledge that things may not go the way you’d think it will or should… because the other guy always has his own ideas about that and, nope, some of them won’t give a fuck about you lacking real-life experience… and you sometimes won’t know this about those guys until they have you naked and about to have their way with you.

Those particular horror stories are sadly and quite true. It’s about what you do and why you want to do whatever… but it’s also understanding that there are always consequences. Good and bad and very bad ones. Knowledge is power because in this, what you don’t know can hurt you and, um, certain things just might kill you, literally or figuratively or even both. And if you don’t know, you better ask somebody and, preferably, someone who knows what they’re talking about and who knows about the consequences.

I know this is a lot of writing to take in but it’s stuff that I think is important when someone is thinking about taking the plunge. At the end of any day, it’s all about being able to make informed decisions that aren’t just, “I know I want to do this!” Yes, one must be able to believe that they can do a thing but also know that it’s okay if you can’t… then have the other person tell you, from their own experiences, why it’s okay so don’t start kicking your own ass.

I’ve found that if you’re not willing to learn some stuff about this, well, there’s no telling how that first experience is going to go and the messed-up part is that it could go well… and it might not but, yeah, the experienced guy who will give a fuck about you will tell you this and it’s a big unknown if a fellow inexperienced guy does, can, or will understand if things should go south.

You pay your money; you take your chances. Even more bouts of sighing. I’ve seen what can happen to guys who get tossed in and they can’t swim. I would prefer that anyone I give their first experience to not sink or flounder and, yeah, I know it’s me just like I know there are others like me in this… but finding them is another kettle of fish.

If you think it’s easy being a sexually active bisexual man, guess again. It’s not really that easy because it’s not just about having sex. I had to learn this on my own and, as such, I’d not want someone to go through what I went through; I “survived” it but not everyone can or does and, well, forewarned is forearmed and knowledge is power and there’s no such animal as too much information.

I get to see how the guys on the forum talk about this and, well, a lot of them don’t get it and I’ll let them know this because someone needs to tell them. I get to see guys going with inexperience or experience and what they had to say about how well things didn’t go for them because, if nothing else, they didn’t know some real-deal, real life shit about having sex with men and the biggest lesson that we’re all not as like-minded as it might be assumed that we are.

Cityman got tossed in and he floundered which is why he sought me out and, together, he learned how to swim and, well, today, he gets it. All of it. What he learned the hard way wasn’t disastrous but, yeah, I told him and told him that, yep, sometimes, you do have to find out on your own… but I’ll be here and I’ll have your back because having someone you can talk to about this, well, it doesn’t get too much better than that when things “go wrong” and you wind up trying to resolve things on your own.

And yeah – I told you so. And I’ll bet you won’t do that again, will you? However, if you do, we’ve talked about it so that if you go for it again or run into a similar situation, you’ll be better informed about it and what to do or to just walk away from. Can two inexperienced guys work problems like this? Probably and since, again, this ain’t rocket science and there is a lot of common-sense things one should be mindful of before getting one’s feet wet. It’s just that, well, shit, the realities a guy can face are going to be different than whatever they have in mind or think they know – and some of them even surprise the shit out of me and I’m all OG. Still, I understand that when considering that first time, it’s not just about you and what you want to experience but it’s about the other guy, too, and, well, um, guys just behave and think differently when they’re fully dressed and not horny versus what might hop off when they’re naked, their dick is hard, and they’re horny as fuck.

I just prefer that first timers know and understand stuff like this before easing into the pool… or just diving the fuck in. At this point in time, you’re probably tired of reading and I’m “tired” of writing for now. There’s just no “simple” way to express this and if folks are of a mind that this is TLDR for them (too long, didn’t read) well, that’s on them and it can’t be said that I didn’t tell them.

 
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Posted by on 12 May 2022 in Today's Bisexual Thoughts

 

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Living With PKD: An Update

Had my yearly visit with my nephrologist yesterday and he’s happy that I remain stable and that I’m showing no other symptoms other than my bloated belly and lower back pain.

He did mention that he’s been following new treatments and medicines that could help people like me and told me about a new procedure where, using a laparoscope, a urologist can remove the cysts and in a way that they won’t come back… and was that something I might be interested in? He also mentioned that unless the bloating is really causing me problems, i.e., a lot of pain, a urologist might not recommend that I have this done.

I’m on the fence about it and I have six months to think about this before I go back to him so we can talk about this and, I guess, he’ll tell me what else he’s learned about this. He mentioned “urologist” and I had two thoughts: The first was about the urologist who put me through some shit that I would wish on my worst enemy because he was sure I had bladder cancer and because he’s the in-network urologist, yeah, I’m not a fan of this guy and I’m not sure if I want him fucking around with my kidneys, which brought me to my second thought of why my nephrologist wouldn’t be the one to do this and the bad part is that I didn’t have this second thought until I was on my way to take care of an errand but that’s okay – I can use his patient portal to ask him if I really want to know and, right now, I don’t really want to know.

I got on the scale and weighed in at 204. My normal weight is usually around 178 or so but I had to go back to taking Lyrica for the pain left over from the stroke and one of the side effects of the drug is weight gain. The nurse who weighed me blinked at what the scale told her and said that I didn’t look like I weighed that much and while my lady teased me about my belly, before this kidney problem got to where it is, I weighed as much as 235 pounds but to look at me, you couldn’t see where the weight was and I never figured out where it is.

My nephrologist seemed to be concerned about this since, when I saw him last year, I weighed 177 pounds – until I told him about the Lyrica and he just nodded and said, “Yeah, it’ll do that…” and jotted something down on my chart. He did his usual poke and prod and I had a funny moment when he wanted to poke and prod me and undid the fasteners on my “Farmer John” bib overalls for me which I thought was interesting since in the times I’ve seen him before, he’s waited for me to do whatever I had to do to expose my belly.

The bisexual in me had fun with that since it’s been a while since a man chose to start to undress me…

The sobering thought is that there’s no good ending to having this disease other than the chance that it won’t get any worse than it already is. I think about this new procedure he mentioned and, urologists aside, I wonder what removing the cysts does toward improving kidney function but that’s a question I’ll remember to ask him when I see him again. My initial thoughts are about wanting to endure any surgical discomfort to remove the cysts which, again and if nothing else, will get rid of this “beer belly” but if doing so has a chance to worsen the condition, eh, I dunno if it would be worth it.

I’m saying this now and with the awareness that months from now, I could be saying something different. I woke up because I was dreaming about being “traumatized” by my urologist and him doing this procedure on me while I was wide awake and not even numbed. I realized that of all the surgical procedures I’ve had, having this dude fucking around in my bladder and having to find out what it’s like to pass blood clots through my dick still bothers the shit out of me.

I have six months to think about this and I will think about it and will ask a slew of questions about the actual details of the procedure and other important stuff. I’ll let you know how that conversation goes!

 
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Posted by on 11 May 2022 in Living With PKD

 

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Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: 10 May 22 – Supplemental

Had to run out to an appointment so now I can finish my thoughts!

You’ve seen me write time and time again that thinking about having some kind of sex with a guy and actually doing it are like, wow. Whew! Some guys, like Cityman did, find themselves faced with a situation, usually a blow job, and, well, how the fuck did I wind up being in this situation… and what the fuck made me agree to participate in this?

While it’s probably better to be able to think about this, eh, sometimes, you just get tossed in to either sink or swim. In my experiences, a lot of guys choose to swim but are often bothered by what happened – that moral conflict versus some guy just sucked you off and it felt really good. Things can spiral down “into the darkness” of the rabbit hole pretty quickly and some guys have a lot of trouble reconciling their actions and more so when they don’t have or know someone who has experienced this and who can let them know that, one, it happens, two, it’s okay if you’re really okay – that usually means no physical harm was done and, three, let’s talk about how this has fucked your head up.

I’ve always said that the worst thing in this is not having someone you can talk to about it… and there is so much to be talked about from any prior experiences or history – which includes any “stray thoughts” you may have had, through the whole theory of bisexuality, right into what to do, how to do it, when to do it, who to do it with and, the most important thing, why you want to do it in the first place.

Important still, you have to be willing to talk about it. All of it. Unedited and the truth and nothing but the truth; otherwise, you might find yourself talking to someone who’s giving you “advice” but lacking information that is and can be important. In my experiences, I’ve run into guys who aren’t willing to get down deep and tell it all but, at the same time, they want answers and solutions right now and, well, sometimes that works but I’ve seen this approach not work too many times to be that brief.

I have asked guys, “Did you like it?” and have listened to them tap-dancing all over the place and avoiding answering this very direct question which should be easy: Either you liked it, or you didn’t or you’re not all that sure. That last one sounds crazy; how can you not be sure that you liked homey sucking you off? I used to think it was but I’ve talked with so many guys whose initial impression made them feel uncertain about how they thought and felt about it and determined that they’re still trying to process and reconcile it.

Some guys find themselves sucking dick for the first time and sometimes they wind up doing it even if that’s not how things were “supposed to be.” Some of it is heat of the moment stuff but a lot of guys have told me that they were being sucked, it was feeling good, and something just said that sucking the other guy is the thing that has to be done… and they usually want to know why they felt like that.

Yep. Talking about these things gets seriously deep. I’ll ask them if they watch any porn and even gay porn. I want to know what they think about it and how it makes them feel to watch it. I delve into their sex life, well, as much as they’ll allow me to because what they tell me about it can tell me about some of the reasons why guys will turn to men for sex and, all along the way, I’m paying attention to their state of mind; their degree of “agitation” can tell me about how fierce the conflict going on inside their head is as well as other things about their personality.

So much to this that I “pick and choose” the people who may ask me to mentor them. It’s not that some folks aren’t able to get it as much as it is seriously intense and can take years for some folks to get to the point where they’re very much okay with this new aspect of sex and sexuality. Like, I’ve been mentoring Cityman for like five or six years and could be a bit longer than that and, again, he admits that there’s much he needs to work on… but he wanted to learn about this bisexual thing he had gotten himself into and he soaked up things better than a Bounty paper towel.

It often takes a lot to get someone to open up about their fears about this; it takes a lot, sometimes, to get them to open up about their desires and you can’t just tell someone to not be afraid of any of this and let it go at that because this is something that will change their life – and now it’s all about whether or not the change will be a good or bad one… and I prefer good changes.

Sometimes I have to get into the science of things like why does sperm taste the way it does? I get into the psychology of things and as I’ve learned them and, you betcha, getting deep into the social and moral stigma is a given. So much that must be talked about but if you don’t have such a person you can talk to, getting things squared away in your head might not be all that easy to do – and the longer the conflict goes unresolved, the more it can negatively affect someone.

And, yeah, I’ve had to tell a lot of guys that just because I’d do this or that doesn’t mean that they have to; likewise, if it’s something I’m not a fan of, it doesn’t mean that if it interests them they shouldn’t give it a try and the most important thing I can tell anyone is that no matter how much I can tell them about this, there is no better teacher than experience itself.

I would prefer that they go get more experience because they will be able to make informed decisions. Cityman says I’m an excellent teacher and, well, I don’t pretend to be a teacher at all. I know what I know and if you want to know what I know, I’ll tell you if you’re willing to listen and “take notes.” I know – and I’ve told guys – that not everything they might do will go the way they expect it to; if you don’t make mistakes, you won’t learn how to not repeat those mistakes. I want them to… manage their expectations and understand that the way they might want things to transpire might not be the way the other guy is thinking they’re going to happen… and people do change their minds during sex and, yep, that guy who was all nice and everything could turn out to be not all that nice once his dick gets hard.

So much to this. Not everyone wants to be bothered with the details and I’ve learned that guys who don’t want to be bothered with the details are guys I’m not going to bother with… because there are way too many guys who do want to be bothered with the details.

Have I mentored women? I have! How can I do that? Um, because I’ve had sex with women and I’ve learned a lot about them being bisexual or even thinking about getting with another woman but, yeah, it’s sometimes like walking a minefield because women have different thoughts and feelings about this but the key, I think, is being able to relate to them and, sometimes, telling them that if they don’t know much about pussy, I know some stuff about it and the women attached to them. I don’t get to do this often but just being able to share my knowledge of bisexuality alone can often help them resolve any inner conflicts and make good decisions.

And, yeah, I think women accept this a lot easier than guys do… but it’s still a lot to talk about and women can suffer from the same frustration because they don’t have anyone they can talk to and, importantly, someone they can talk to who isn’t going to start preaching to them about what they should be doing instead of gaining carnal knowledge of other women. A bi girl’s worst enemy in this is… the guy they have in their life and, wow, let’s just say that men are stupid in how they look at bisexual women from bringing up the dreaded threesome to, sadly, abusing them in some way because she’s not the way he expects her to be and it’s all about him and not so much about her.

So much to talk about, to learn, and to understand. Debunking the myths and stereotypes and other forms of misinformation. Mitigating any sense of guilt they may be feeling or, if they took the plunge, dealing with the after the fact guilt so many speak to. And at every turn, letting them know that no matter what they do – or don’t do – this is very much about being and remaining true to yourself and in the face of much social angst and derision.

Gotta check on my famous chicken soup…

 
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Posted by on 10 May 2022 in Today's Bisexual Thoughts

 

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Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: 10 May 22

One of the joys of mentoring someone on and about bisexuality is watching them grow into it. Progressing from the “what the fuck is going on with me” phase to not only learning how to enjoy the sex but gains an understanding about sex and sexuality and how a lot of it plays into one’s everyday life.

Was chatting with Cityman last night and we were talking about some older gentlemen who, as he put it, would love to trade blowjobs and maybe do some flip-flopping. While we were discussing the men in question, I had a smile on my face because I was remembering the first time I started chatting with him about male bisexuality and how… very uneasy he was about it even though by the time he had reached out to me, he’d had his first and second experience. His first was getting blown by a guy and the second was the first time he sucked a guy’s dick and, gasp, he got screwed.

He wasn’t quite sure about cocksucking but since he wasn’t what I would call properly prepared to take a dick in his ass, I didn’t find it unusual when he said that he would never be fucked again and had declared himself a top at that time. We had a long conversation about what went both right and wrong and he understood but stood fast on his decision. I had mentioned that getting boned was actually a good experience for him so that he could understand what he was looking forward to doing to other men and had also mentioned that despite his adamant objections, there would come a time when he would want to be screwed.

Of course, he said it would never happen and I said, “Famous last words.”

We’re still talking about the gentlemen in question and, as usual, talking about their cocks and whatever “that’s gonna hurt” factor he had in mind about them. I didn’t find it unusual that when he asked me which of those guys I’d sleep with – and he does that a lot – we picked the same guy even though he does have preferences when it comes to who gets to be naked with him and like a lot of guys do. We’re nattering about the guy we both picked and the conversation morphed into a moment he had with a part-time FWB who has a seriously thick cock… and how he rode it. I remembered the original moment because he told me about it not long after it happened and I was quite proud of him in that, at first, he was having problems taking homey’s phone pole, took a little break, but went right back to it to wind up not only taking that fat dick but riding it to what he said was the biggest and most powerful ejaculation he’s ever experienced and that feeling all that dick wreaking havoc with his prostate was amazing.

I reminded him that he used to be the guy who once said that he’d never again get boned and I wished we had been video chatting so I could see the look on his face. From there, we got to talking about… getting boned but in the context of the hardest thing about it isn’t getting the dick in and getting creamed: It’s admitting to yourself that you really did enjoy it despite any complaints about the inherent discomforts. We talked about the infamous bitchy feeling and why it feels that way and how it’s just his mind that’s “messing” with him because it’s a given that it’s going to do that since we, as men, equate fucking with women.

As far as that was concerned, we had talked about it at length back in the early goings and how much that feeling bothered him; I had said that instead of worrying about feeling bitchy, embrace the feeling instead and more so when we also talked about being able to find the pleasure in being screwed – and something he was quite sure he’d never be able to do since, now, it wasn’t something he was going to do “all of the time.”

While I’ve often had to “straighten him out” on some things, it’s been a joy to “watch” him figure it out and put it all together and into context. He’s now at the stage of things where he questions whether or not the top/bottom dynamic really makes sense and his take on this, not surprisingly, isn’t all that different from my own take on it. The thing that I have to do and be aware of is to not “imprint” my own views and biases on him; we talk about the sex I have with guys and that’s to be expected but I made it clear to him from the beginning that he has to find his own way in this and, well, he’s done amazingly well.

He gets it. From theory to practical application. The biggest thing I’ve seen in him is how it’s changed him as a person and by his own admission and how much he understands himself and, as I predicted, how this understanding plays into his everyday life and not just when he gets horny and wants to get laid and, yeah, he admits that he’s become… better when having sex with women.

I’m not surprised by that because I did tell him that if doesn’t learn anything else about this, he will find out a lot of the things women already know about us, from what they like about us to what they don’t like and can’t stand about us when we chase them and get them into our beds. He… gets it. I had told him in the early days that my job was to help him become the best bisexual he can be and while he admits that he still has things he needs to work on, that alone tells me that he’s well on his way to becoming the best bisexual he can be.

We were still talking about being screwed and I didn’t have to really tell him that it’s okay to want to be screwed… because he told me that he understands that, yeah, sometimes, he wants it. I pointed out to him a moment where he read the riot act to an early FWB because homey didn’t want to screw him and, at the time, he kinda cracked me up going off about how silly the guy was being because he didn’t want to use his dick and like it was intended to be used.

And pointed out to him that because he got in the guy’s case about it, um, it was because he wanted the guy to screw him. I know that’s not the only time I’ve heard him either complaining or questioning why some guys are loathe to use their dicks and, here of late, he talks to me about how he’d like for his current FWB to stick it in and give it to him good and load him up with cum.

I said that if this is how he feels about it – and the guy himself – well, um, I was surprised that he hasn’t said anything to him about it and more so when, not long ago, homey was “testing the waters” by mounting him and getting between his cheeks and like he was gonna get in there. Cityman had said, at the time, that he wanted him to do just that and was feeling some kind of way because he didn’t, which got us talking about the guy doing it to see how Cityman was going to react to it.

“If it were me, I’d tell him what I want from him,” I had said. And, at the same time, wearing a huge smile on my face to hear a guy who said that he would never want to be screwed “complaining” about his lover not screwing him. He’s not said anything about talking to him about it but I think I understand him well enough that he’ll get around to mentioning it to his lover and when it does happen, it’ll be interesting to find out what he thought about it…

Which will most likely result in another deep conversation about something I’ve been telling him lately that he’s finding out to be very true: If you don’t mind, it never matters. During last night’s conversation, I mentioned this to him again and added, “You clearly don’t mind!”

It is so rewarding to see him grow into his bisexuality…

 
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Posted by on 10 May 2022 in Today's Bisexual Thoughts

 

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Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: 09 May 22

I was writing something else but threw it in the trash because I wasn’t making any sense and, for the record, I tend to throw posts away a lot. On to the next thought.

A guy asked whether or not men having sex with men was really that bad because if it was, why were there so many men doing it?

My response was, “It’s bad because we say it is but, yeah, how bad can it really be if there are so many men doing it?”

I’ve been with curious guys who have asked, “How bad can it be?” and I’ve shrugged and said that the only way to find out if it will be bad for you is to do it. So many first-timers who have said – and even to me – “It’s not as bad as I thought it was.” Well, um, that’s because it really isn’t unless you have reason to think that it was bad and if you can understand that if it was bad, it wasn’t what you were doing so much as it was the other people who could have made it bad for you.

I’d not dare to say that “everyone” can be bisexual because I know that some people find that they can’t handle it and no matter how many times they try to get the hang of it. Some of it is the physical inability to do a thing but a lot of it is in their own head and being unable to reconcile things. I’ve been with guys who have tried to suck my dick and they just can’t do it… but they can take my dick in their ass which is a lot more difficult than sucking a dick is.

Even I have been aware of that “thing in my head” that pitches a bitch with me every time I have sex with a guy, screaming at me that I shouldn’t be doing this but, yeah, I’m not only doing it but I’m having fun doing it so go away and stop trying to fuck with me – I’m busy trying to get this guy to cum! The funny thing is that I’ve heard this same thing in my head when I’m eating pussy which, uh, kinda doesn’t make sense given that it’s a thing I should know how to do and even as a matter of course as a part of having sex with women. Why?

Because I was told not to. Ever. For no reason or excuse. And… I had reason not to believe what I was told. I’ve had conversations with both men and women and when we talk about this, it’s not really that difficult for them to understand that it’s sex – duh, right? Ah, but because of what they’ve been told, it’s different when guys do guys and gals do gals… because that’s not the way it’s supposed to be. I’ve been… amused to hear men and women go on and on about knowing for a fact that they couldn’t do some shit like that and they definitely wouldn’t like it and I’ve asked them, “How do you know you wouldn’t?” – and then watching them trying to answer that one but it’s a trick question because I know why they wouldn’t know…

Because they, too, were told to never have sex like this. Oh, I’ve been treated to how those people knew someone who got down like this and how it went bad for them and I’ve asked, “What does that have to do with you?” I mean, yeah, I get it; it goes bad for a lot of us who have sex both ways… so what’s your point here? But asking them this question is another trick or loaded question because I’ve gotten to learn how people think and for the most part. Like the child I had who told me that he didn’t like onions… but was feeling some kind of way to learn that we put onions in almost everything he was eating.

Once you come to believe something, it’s hard to not believe it. If you convince yourself that it’s something you can’t do, it’s a motherfucker to try to do it and what makes this particular thing “worse” is having this belief firmly in your head… and right alongside that crazy compulsion to do it.

I have had some good laughs at people when they try to dispute something that I learned: Your body doesn’t care who is giving it pleasure… but your mind does and it does because you were made to or otherwise believe that it’s something you’re not supposed to do so you can’t do it.

And then they find that they can. I’ve even seen and heard them try to convince themselves that they didn’t like it one bit and I’ve asked them if that was after it was over with or not and getting them to admit that while they were doing whatever, it was very likeable but to also see how their mind will pay more attention to whatever they’re thinking and feeling after the fact. For many, being aware of this is… embarrassing. It’s quite the bitch to admit, even to yourself, that you liked having sex in a way that you knew that you shouldn’t be having it.

There’s a reason why so many men and women, after their first same-sex experience, talk about feeling guilty about it… because they were conditioned to feel guilt and getting past this isn’t an easy thing to do and I’ll once again admit that it took me “a while” to understand that I have no reason to feel guilt over something I wanted to do.

A lot of people find that they can’t handle the internal conflict that happens. One part of their mind is adamant that they should not even think about that part of them that is telling them to have sex with someone who’s the same sex as they are. The compulsion to do it is scarily powerful but so is the compulsion to not go there because it’s to never be done.

One of those two things is wrong… and I’ll let you figure out which one is really wrong but “hint” that it’s not the one you think it is… and then ask you to think about that as well. I get why so many people make such a big deal about this and understand the conflict that gets created and while a lot of men and women are “naturals’ at sex like this and they are able to resolve the conflict and find the fun and joy in this kind of sex, some people just can’t because they are unable to resolve the conflict and continue to believe that it cannot and should not ever be done.

Or, like I even told Cityman back in the beginning of mentoring him, “A few million men can’t be wrong about this. One guy could be… but millions of men? Not statistically possible for so many men being wrong about how enjoyable it is to have sex with other men… and as well as continuing to have sex with women.”

And being quite the Captain Obvious by saying that if we weren’t really meant to have sex like this, it would be physically impossible for us to and, well, don’t we know it is very possible? Indeed, a lot of bisexuals say that if God didn’t mean for them to be this way, they wouldn’t be this way but the reality is that, without offense, God doesn’t have anything to do with this… but the social and moral stigma that we invented has everything to do with it and, yeah, get this: The stigma wouldn’t exist if it wasn’t already known that people were having sex like this.

It exists for a reason albeit one that I think is a non-issue today. Religion plays on our fear of our own mortality to keep us having sex the way it’s supposed to be by promising and, all too often, delivering death to anyone who didn’t have sex the way it says we’re supposed to. The reason why, I found, wasn’t as complicated as I thought: It’s about making babies and the very obvious fact that if two guys are doing the deed or two women are doing the deed, no babies… and in a time where the human population wasn’t numerous and life expectancy was in the low double digits and for a lot of environmental reasons. Perpetuation of the species was very damned important and to make sure that we kept procreating, rules were created (and in the name of God) to ensure that we’d keep doing this very necessary thing.

I have to admit that when I learned this, I didn’t believe it. It couldn’t be that simple. I thought about the Catholic Church’s rules about contraception not being allowed and that included any sex that was oral or even anal… because no babies were going to be conceived in these ways and definitely not in the same sex way of things. I thought about how it’s illegal – and still technically illegal – for anyone, including married people – to have oral or anal sex and 100% illegal for men to engage in sodomy even if it’s unenforceable.

But all of this is at the foundation of our belief that people shouldn’t ever have sex in the same sex way… and shouldn’t do it doesn’t mean can’t do it… because it’s pretty damned obvious that millions of people are doing it and having big time fun, too. I’m not one to question one’s religious beliefs but I will point out that there are a lot of people who had those same beliefs… and they don’t believe them so much now and, yes, their faith in a supreme being is very much intact but what the ministers of faith are preaching?

Not really lying but not telling the truth so much. Religion is full of things that don’t lend themselves to being explained except to say that God said so… and you never, ever question anything that God said about this, well, um, until one has reason to and a lot of bisexuals, including yours truly, didn’t so much question what God may have said about this… but we sure as fuck questioned what ministers of faith were saying that God said and while conveniently forgetting to mention what Jesus had to say about it in the New Testament.

So much of this isn’t about why someone is bisexual but all about that which we believe to be true… and it never was. It’s about belief and the incredible power of it that should serve to be proof against things but the reality always says something different.

Guys give and get blowjobs from each other, and we fuck each other. Women get and give head to each other and have some creative ways to simulate fucking each other silly and delightfully so. We can fall in love with each other, have sex with each other, and even be in a relationship with each other… but what we are taught and made to believe says it shouldn’t be done and if you do, you will die in some horrible way and spend eternity in hell or purgatory and not be admitted into heaven.

Now it’s a question of which thing you’re going to believe: What’s been said about this… or the reality that a lot of people live and love and get their cookies crumbled this way. I very much remember being very pissed the fuck off when I started digging into things and uncovering the truths that our morality would prefer we not know about and, yeah, some of the authors of our morality were just as guilty of this particular sin as the people being persecuted and put to death for it… and sometimes the people who got killed were playing by the rules and like they were supposed to and believed they had to.

Hmm. We get to riffing about sexuality but methinks because religious is one of those topics that we aren’t supposed to have conversations about – and you almost have to ask yourself why it is – this keeps us from getting at the root of things – but those of us who are bisexual has done this in some way to learn that, okay, religion says what it says… but they just aren’t telling the truth. We got… scammed and it’s not that much of a secret to me that the people who are pitching the loudest and biggest bitch about bisexual are those who have this belief… and the reality is proving their beliefs wrong.

Is it really that bad? No, it isn’t. Not really and more so when you consider that sex can be inherently bad to begin with since we all have our own ideas of what having sex means and how it’s supposed to happen and a lot of other shit that has nothing to do with religious belief but things we just believe ourselves and whatever those beliefs are based upon.

Because what’s really at the root of all this badness is… sex. We don’t have that great urgency to make babies and we learned how to make them and no sex happens at all. Cityman is of a mind that if more men and women were into sex like this, the world’s population numbers would be reduced because we’d be spending less time having sex that can make babies and more time having sex to get our rocks off… and I don’t say that he’s wrong about this but, yeah, you do have to be able to convince, say, a guy that I suck his dick and make him cum, that’s the worst thing that’s going to happen to him.

I think that we could get around to abolishing religion but even if that happened – and I don’t see it happening “any time soon,” there is still what people are going to believe that will keep the sexuality war alive… but even that’s not going to stop people from finding out that breaking those rules ain’t that bad of a thing to do and that all the other people who are doing this can’t possibly be wrong and more so when we’ve been having sex like this all along.

 
 

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Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: 08 May 22

I was remembering an old friend and what was going on with him that pushed him over to the bi side or, really, revealed that he had a bi side.

“Ronnie” was, to me, an okay kind of guy. More street smart than book smart but he had a good head on his shoulders as well as being a self-taught percussionist; we’d often get together – him with his bongos, me with my portable organ (and I can’t remember the name of it right now) and we’d spend hours playing music that we’d make up on the spot.

He was a likeable guy… but girls? I would often feel embarrassed and sad for him because he was genuine and kinda wore his heart on his sleeve and girls would listen or act like they were but would flat-out reject him and his advances. I didn’t think he was a bad-looking guy but the word on the street about him said that girls were turned off by how dark he was or he was said to be “ashy black” – he’d sometimes look like his skin was dry but it really wasn’t but, yeah, you eat with your eyes first and most girls didn’t like what they saw.

Sometimes, we’d just sit around somewhere and talk about girls which would usually result in us talking about why he was so unlucky with girls or why some girls would agree to have sex with him and would be one and done. It was a bit confusing because a lot of girls were running around and dissing guys out of hand because, usually, rumor had it that the homeboys weren’t, ah, packing a lot of meat… but Ronnie was and I knew that because of the many times he’d just pull his dick out in front of me when he had to pee and, well, personally, I didn’t see anything wrong with it. He’d often be depressed trying to figure out why he couldn’t get or keep a girlfriend and would ask me what I thought might be wrong with him… and it would hurt me to my heart to tell him about the word on the street and how girls just didn’t like the color of his skin and how ashy he appeared to be.

“But I’m not!” he would often blurt out and we both knew it; he was very fastidious about staying clean and, yes, going through “gallons” of lotion to keep his skin moisturized because, well, being ashy was just something a lot of Blacks had to be concerned about and we’d often lighten the mood talking about how our mothers wouldn’t let us out of the house without smearing gobs of Vaseline on our faces and any exposed skin they could find.

One day we were sitting in his room and I was watching him trying to repair the heads on his favorite bongos; apparently, something fell on them and broke through the heads and now he was trying to tape them back together but that wasn’t working because the cellophane tape seriously changed the sound of the drum and proved to be unable to keep things together. He finally gave up trying to fix them and, out of frustration, threw the drum across the room. It didn’t break – and I was surprised that it didn’t – and he was pretty pissy about having to have the heads replaced but that wasn’t going to be cheap even if he could find someone who knew how to replace the heads.

Either that or he was going to have to find a way to replace it. I felt bad because even though I was a drummer, I didn’t know anything about replacing bongo heads; if I broke a head on my drum set, replacing it was easy if not a bit expensive and all I needed was my drum key. Ronnie had been looking at bongos that had the same type of head arrangement that my drums had; it made bongos easier to be tuned but, yeah, they weren’t cheap.

We were quiet for a few; I didn’t know what else I could say and he was so frustrated that he couldn’t or wouldn’t say anything. The silence was… uncomfortable and I think that we both knew it was. I was thinking about leaving when he stood up and said, “Damn, I’m horny!”

I didn’t think much about it since being horny was our normal state most of the time so he wasn’t telling me anything that I didn’t already know.

“Well, um, what do you wanna do?” I asked. “Should we go on a hunt?”

“Nah, but, um, I need to tell you something,” he said.

“What’s that?” I asked.

“I wanna suck your dick,” he said and as calmly as he might tell me that the sun was shining.

I blinked… because that’s all I could do. We’d known each other for years, had laughed and cried together and I thought that there wasn’t anything we didn’t know about each other… but it had dawned on me that there really was something he didn’t know about me, namely, that I liked having sex with guys. He didn’t know because I never told him and, really, since we knew a lot of the same guys, I assumed that he knew and more so when a few of them were blabbermouths. What I obviously didn’t know was, well, what he had just told me. It wasn’t that he looked or acted like “the type” but, wow, when you think you know someone, you find out that you really don’t.

I blinked again and, I dunno, I guess he thought that I “didn’t understand” what he was saying and launched into an explanation of why he wanted to suck my dick and that because he rarely had success having sex with girls, he’d been sucking dick all along and, as I would learn, I’d been sucking dick exactly one week longer than he had been. His confession that he had always wanted to suck my dick but was afraid to bring it up “shocked” me for a moment but, then again, I understood why he was afraid to say anything because he thought it might ruin a long-running friendship.

He was telling it all, from the first time he sucked dick to talking about the guys he’d been sucking – and I was shocked to learn that we were sucking a lot of the same guys. All I could do was sit and listen to him talking about it and not knowing how I really felt about it.

“So, um, can I get it?” he asked. “I’ll understand if you say no and I hope this doesn’t ruin our friendship.”

I just… nodded. I was still processing this new information and couldn’t find my voice to save my life but when I did, all I could say was, “We’ll always be friends…”

He nodded and came over to where I was sitting and started unfastening my belt and pants. I was… numb? I was still processing what he had told me and barely noticed that I had lifted my butt up so he could finish pulling down my pants and underwear and kinda snapped out of being stupefied when he said, “Finally…”

And he went down on me. Even though I’d had a lot of guys suck my dick, this was… different but I couldn’t figure out why it was. He was in a hurry but wasn’t in a hurry and it was clear that he knew what he was doing and just like I knew. His mouth felt incredible on me and if I hadn’t been horny before, I was now… and I wanted his dick in my mouth.

“Let’s 69,” I managed to say. He stopped, looked up at me with the same shocked look I’d had on my face just a few moments ago.

“I didn’t know but, yeah, let’s do that,” he said. He got off of his knees and started to strip, giving me a chance to do the same thing. His dick was hard and it had dawned on me that I’d never seen him hard even through his pants but I’d seen it soft so many times that I didn’t pay much attention to it.

But it had all of my attention now. We got on his bed and arranged ourselves side-by-side and I took him into my mouth and sampled the tastes of him and had the silly thought that he tasted like coffee but I knew that he loved to drink coffee.

I have a funny story about us drinking coffee that I might share with y’all someday. His dick felt good in my mouth and we lost ourselves in what we were doing. We were fucking into each other’s mouth and with that practiced ease that we’d both obviously learned. How was it that I never knew that he was like me? And why had I not told him that I loved doing what we were just now getting around to doing?

As I sucked him, I understood that I never thought about him in sexual terms but I was now quickly revising that sentiment. He was very good and just as skilled at it as I was and it was so delicious for us to “show off” our skills to each other. I don’t know how long we’d been at it but I knew I was getting very close to cumming and experience had taught me to recognize that he was very close, too.

Normally and with a lot of guys and gals, this was the moment where I’d stop or stop them and let them know that I was going to cum but now? I knew that there was no need to issue the warning because I wanted his cum as much as he wanted mine… and then he gave it to me and a split second before I gave him mine.

It tasted like… coffee and there was a lot of it. I was in the throes of my own released and I could hear and feel him moaning as my dick pumped my cum into his mouth… and he wasn’t the only one moaning. We were getting soft in each other’s mouth and by some unspoken consent, released each other and moved away a little.

“Damn, that was good,” he said. “How come you never told me that you were down?”

“It never occurred to me to tell you,” I said – after I re-learned how to speak English. “Besides, I thought that you knew because, apparently, we’ve been sucking some of the same guys and you know which of them likes to run their mouth about it.”

“Was it okay for you?” he asked.

“Hell, yeah, it was,” I said. “I feel… bad because I’ve seen your dick so many times and I just never wanted it before.”

“That’s okay and like I said, I’ve been wanting to suck your dick for the longest time – I was just too scared to ask you,” he said.

“Well, it finally happened,” I said, feeling my horniness returning as I fondled his balls and seeing him starting to get hard again.

“Yes…” was all he said before he came closer so he could take me into his mouth again… and I could do no less.

We spent the rest of that afternoon sucking each other off. We’d stop and rest and drank a lot of water; sucking dick was hot, sweaty work but it was also summertime and the day was hot to begin with and his room was even hotter even with the box fan in the window that did little to make the room any cooler.

When we gave up trying to get each other hard again, we got dressed and… just sat looking at each other. I knew he was seeing me with “different eyes” because that’s the way I was now seeing him. Now that I had some time to think about it, I “kicked myself in the ass” because I realized that I had recognized “the signs” in him – I just didn’t pay any attention to it but, again, I had no reason to.

“I like girls but, shit, they ain’t trying to give up the box to me. I’ve heard what they say about me and that’s some fucked up shit but that’s why I’m glad that I’m down with dick, ya know?” he said and asked.

“I do know and, well, that should be obvious, huh?” I asked while laughing.

“Yeah, but you don’t have problems getting pussy like I do,” he said.

All I could do was shrug. I wasn’t like a lot of guys who only came looking for dick because they couldn’t get any pussy – I’d get dick even when I was getting pussy.

I shared my first experience with him and it felt good to share it with him. I hadn’t thought about the fact that there was something about the both of us that we hadn’t shared with each other as being a bad thing but, well, we hadn’t… but now we had and now it was all about how our friendship was going to be going forward.

“Are we good?” he asked – and as if he knew what I was thinking about.

“Yeah, we’re good,” I said. “It’s just kinda fucked up that we didn’t know this about each other before now but, until now, I guess there was no reason for us to know.”

“Things happen when they’re supposed to, huh?” he asked.

“Yeah, that seems to be true,” I said. “So… now what?”

“Do you mean are we going to fuck?” he asked and surprising me again because that’s exactly what I was thinking about.

“Yeah,” I said. “I feel like we need to.”

“So do I,” he said. “Man, it so weird to find out that we’re more alike than we knew we were!”

“Yeah, it is,” I agreed and wondering what it was going to feel like to have him inside of me… and knowing that I very much wanted him in me.

“We can do that later ’cause I couldn’t get it up right now,” he said with a laugh. “Dude, you suck a mean dick!”

“So do you!” I said with some laugher of my own.

To pass some time, we went looking for a guy we both knew who might be able to help him with the issue with his bongos. As we went about that, I was deep in thought about what we’d done and, again, trying to figure out why I had been ignoring the signs that were there. I found that I shouldn’t have been surprised given how difficult it was for him to get with girls but I understood that he’d been into this before he got interested in girls so him being into sex with guys wasn’t totally about his inability to get pussy.

We were really a lot more alike than we had known… and I didn’t know how we both missed this about each other. I was thinking about how I felt about him now and thought that if we were close before all of this happened, we were much closer but how that might affect our friendship was something that remained to be seen.

Ronnie got lucky; the guy we went to see had an old set of tunable bongos that he was willing to just give away… after Ronnie had to show the guy that he had “the skills to pay the bills” and as the guy had said. Ronnie was a natural at it and showed the guy what he could do and passed the test given to him. I had the sense, as we went back to his house, that he once more felt… complete. But I also had the very strong feeling that until we fucked, neither of us would be… complete.

We get back to his place and go right to his room. He puts his new drum away – and in a safer place – and turned to look at me… and there were no words necessary. We both made a trip to the bathroom to do some cleaning and we had an awkward moment as we sat naked on his bed and like neither of us knew what to do.

“Me first,” I said, breaking that moment. I didn’t wait for him to agree or whatever; I just went right to sucking him into full hardness and I would have loved to kept sucking him until he came… but he had to do that in my ass. I was… nervous as I slathered us up with Vaseline and laid down on my stomach to await his entrance. He got on top of me and I guided him to my hole and I had to will myself to relax.

“Ready?” he asked.

“Yes – do it,” I said.

I felt the head of his dick press against my hole, then start to spread it apart. It didn’t hurt as much as I thought it would but what hurt I was feeling felt good as he didn’t hesitate to put all of his dick in me.

“Do you need a moment?” he asked.

“No… fuck me,” I said.

He well and truly did, too. I was moaning and groaning and fucking back against him; that girly feeling was beating against my thoughts and feeling and like I hadn’t felt it in a while. It made me feel… good to hear him telling me how good it felt to him to be inside me and even better when he said he didn’t think he could hold it back.

“Don’t hold it back – give it to me. Give it all to me…” I said. “I want it so bad…”

That I even said that to him had me feeling… slutty. He started to fuck me harder and faster and going so deep into me that I really could “feel him in my stomach.”

“Shit, shit, shit,” he cursed as I felt his dick swell in me, stretching my hole out even more – then the delicious feel of his dick pumping his cum into me. I was using my muscles to clamp down on him and squeezing every drop of his cum out of him that I could manage to do and until I felt him starting to soften. I was… pleased but, at the same time, sad when he pulled out of me; I knew I had been fucked really good because I had that… empty feeling that always bothered me when I got fucked good.

Ronnie rolled over onto his back, still breathing fast and hard; as I propped myself up on an elbow, I could feel his cum starting to ooze out of me but had to get my head together to do my part of sealing this new bond between us. He got his act together and sucked me into hardness before slathering us up; he got on his back and lifted his legs high and spread them wide.

“Give it to me,” he said. “Come get this ass!”

I got in between his splayed legs and stabbed my dick right into him. We both sighed and I could feel his ass trying to get rid of me but I was too deep in him for that to happen.

“Fuck me,” he said, wrapping his legs around me and pulling me into a tight embrace with his arms. Man, he was strong… but I had always known how strong he was but now I was seeing and feeling a different strength in him.

He was like a wild animal under me and, to be honest, I was having a hard time keeping up with his movements; I could only guess that he realized this because he had me pull out and lie down. He straddled me and guided me back into his hole… and started riding me as if his life depended on it. In a way, I went from fucking him to “being fucked” as he rode my dick… and better than I’d been ridden by some girls. I was into it but all I could do was watch him having his way with me and I had the “scary” thought that he was trying to break my dick off in his ass.

And to my surprise, his dick was getting hard again. I didn’t know what to think about that but I knew what to do about it so I reached for it and closed my hand around it.

“Yes! Yes, motherfucker, yes!” he shouted and slammed himself fully upon me and started grinding in circles that immediately got me to the edge and had me trying to get dick into him that I didn’t have but, still. He’s gyrating on me and I’m yanking on his dick; I felt his asshole clench and clamp down on me so hard it actually hurt – then felt it clenching and releasing in time with how his cum was shooting all over me and I just lost it.

My mind was a total blank as I shuddered through my release – and then, clarity. I’m gasping and he’s gasping and we’re both grinning at each other and, dare I say, idiotically? Yes, I do dare to say that because it was the truth of things.

He had me laughing when he got off of me and started looking down at himself and saying, “Is your dick still in there? And did you rip me a new one because it sure feels like it!”

We just… basked in the moment. Catching our breath and letting reality catch back up with us.

“Does this make us more than friends?” he asked.

“I think it does,” I said and I could feel the truth of things. We were really close friends before these… revelations revealed themselves and now we were even closer but I wasn’t sure if it was a good or a bad thing… but only time would tell.

Going forward a bit, we were caught up in the newness of having sex with each other. We both agreed that while fucking each other was nice, it was easier – and cleaner – to suck each other off and he had no qualms about taking my dick whenever he wanted to and no matter where we happened to be and I wasn’t all that opposed to his boldness.

And as quickly as it started, it just… stopped. When we talked about it, we agreed that there was nothing wrong between us but, yeah, we’d had our fill of each other and there was “no need” for it. We did kinda/sorta agreed that if a situation called for us to suck each other off, it wouldn’t be a problem but neither of us thought or felt that such a situation would happen again.

And we were both okay with that. I understood that we really got to know each other and that we were so very much alike – and now knowing that we were – put the “finishing touches” on solidifying the bond we had always had with each other. When I moved to the other side of town, we lost track of each other and to this very day, I don’t know what became of him. Rumor said that he’d gotten into serious trouble and was in prison and some folks said that he was dead, and some say that he moved out of state but there was no way to verify if any of this was true.

I still remember him just the same and for some reason, I woke up today thinking about him and it was the first time in a very long time. I remember other things about him but, yeah, I remember this thing about him more than anything else. I remember him thanking me after a long session of blowing each other’s brains out and me waving it off and saying, “What are friends for?”

What, indeed? It wasn’t love but it was a deeply bonded friendship that had came to life when we first met each other and even today, I wonder what took us so long to get around to making that bond… complete. Stronger. Well, I do know why and it points back to his being afraid of our friendship being ruined and me not having a single sexual thought about him and I’m sure that because I didn’t, I just flat-out missed all of the signs that, when I think about all of the times I’d been with him, I should have seen.

I just didn’t. Yeah, we, um, made up for all of that and I got to see how passionate he was as well as being able to peek inside his mind about being bisexual and in a time where it very much wasn’t cool to be anything but straight. His issues with girls, well, I understood that but felt that they were looking at him the wrong way; they should have paid more attention to the kind of guy he was than they were being… petty about how dark he was and how he just looked ashy when he wasn’t.

To get dissed for something you have no control over is some fucked up shit… but that’s just the way it is and it’s things like this that can turn a guy to the bi side and want to put more focus on getting dick than bothering with fickle and, sometimes, petty women.

I know how he got “turned out” on dick, as he had put it. I didn’t find anything unusual about it because that, too, was just the way it could be. I think about stuff like this and wryly laugh about how many people believe that all Blacks are homophobic, but I know the truth; I guess it’s just one that isn’t that easy to accept, not because it’s a racial thing all that much but we’ve always had a problem accepting that men do have sex with each other in the first place.

I can’t even really sigh over this. A lot of bisexual men – and regardless to ethnicity – are in hiding because the social stigma is something to hide from and to the point where a guy can have a friend who is 100% bisexual… and they don’t know that about him or, like me, had no reason to suspect that my very good friend was anything but straight.

We need to do something about this, and things are “in the works” to make bisexual men – and Black bisexual men – more visible and just more proof that bisexuality is real and a lot more real than is believed, let alone accepted. It doesn’t mean that bisexual men are waiting for the world to change; they’re going to do what they need to do albeit with this stupid angst hanging over their heads.

Now I can sigh.

 
 

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