Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: 28 September 22

I was sitting in a bar full of gay men one Saturday night and the guy sitting next to me was lamenting that finding and getting a man in bed was getting harder and harder. The guy sitting to my right said, “Honey, you ain’t wrong!”

And I said, “How is that possible when we’re sitting in a bar full of men?”

They both looked at me like I’d lost my mind.

It was one of those head-scratching moments that I’ve bore witness to before. Going back in the day, I was hanging with a guy that I knew was “like me” and he was moaning and groaning about needing some dick and ass and not being able to find anyone to do the deed with. He said that he’d settle for spending some time with a guy even if all they did was suck each other off.

“You haven’t asked me,” I said.

And he looked at me like I’d lost my mind. Or, perhaps, it never crossed his mind to ask me, and it wasn’t like he didn’t know that I was like him – loved chasing girls and catching them, had no qualms about getting all hot and sweaty with a guy.

“I didn’t think you’d be interested,” he said.

And now it was my turn to look at him like he’d lost his mind.

“All you had to do was ask,” I said. “I might say yes.”

He asked, I said yes, and we went somewhere and spent that time making each other beg Jesus to save us sucking each other off several times.

“If you know that I’m down with it, why wouldn’t you ask me?” I asked once I was able to speak English and not sound like a caveman.

“I dunno,” he said. “I didn’t think I was your type.”

Okay, I could understand and accept that even though – and at this moment in my life – having a type was something that still wasn’t making a lot of sense to me even though having a type, from where I was sitting, was eroding and reducing the chances to get some dick – and guys were doing it and complaining about not being able to get the dick they wanted.

Girls… made sense with this one. Sitting with this seriously hot babe and she says tha she seriously needs to get laid and right now and… I’m looking at her with that “Hey!” look on my face. She looks at me and says, “Aw, nah – you get me pregnant, we might have an ugly baby!”

Not that I was bad looking but it was like a sign of the times and one us guys just had to deal with. Still, she was, according to her, very horny and let me know that if our baby was ugly, there would be hell to pay. She didn’t get pregnant and… needs were taken care of and dealing with feeling some kind of way knowing that she thought I was better than nothing.

I would learn about… natural selection. Survival of the fittest. How men were, way, way, in our past, selected for the best survival qualities and/or their ability to provide safety and food. I would be able to equate this very necessary process with having sex in the here and now and I’d think that there were probably a lot of girls who weren’t aware of this ancient behavior going on with them but, yeah, them being picky about who got to have their goodies made sense.

It didn’t make sense with the fellas so much. I would see this… disconnect so much that it eventually got me telling guys, “Look, it’s not like we’re gonna be boyfriends and I sure as fuck wouldn’t marry you if my life depended on it. You wanna get your dick sucked and so do I… so what’s the problem?”

His problem with me was… I’m light-skinned. Nowhere near the “high yellow” that was seen to be a deal-breaker with both men and women at the time. I told him that it was his loss but also that if he wanted to keep complaining about how badly he needed some dick, I was leaving.

It sucks for someone to declare you as being better than nothing. Still, we do the deed and now he’s singing a different tune: “Damn, man, we shoulda been doing this all along!”

Well, we could have been if you weren’t being silly about things. My awareness of preferences was growing “exponentially;” everyone was chasing after the good thing and leaving a lot of dissed people in their wake – and people who were very keen to be accommodating. One of the major “selling points” of guys doing guys was that we didn’t put each other through the wringer like girls were doing. Comparatively speaking, throwing it down with a guy was easier than convincing some girl that she wouldn’t be making a mistake or trying to address any of the 15 quadrillion concerns she may have.

At the least, another guy would want to know (1) how big your dick was, (2) if you were cut or uncut, and (3) do you swallow and (4) do you like it in the ass or giving it in the ass (usually optional) and even then, most guys wanted to know this just for informational purposes because the only thing that really mattered was… wanting to do it. When and where could be a problem, though.

You haven’t lived until a guy tells you that he doesn’t want to have sex with you because you’re shorter than he is and then only by an inch or so. Gay guys were, for a time, like sharks in a feeding frenzy hitting on guys who, at the least, looked cute to them but even they got to a point where if a guy was GQ handsome, well, that was a problem for them.

“Some of them act like a dude is gonna knock them up,” I had said to a friend as we were both lamenting about how weird guys were getting about giving up the dick (and before we gave it up to each other). I was telling him about getting dissed by a gay dude – and a gay dude that I wasn’t even paying any attention to – who sashayed over to me, looked me up and down and told me that I wasn’t worth it even though I did have a nice print and… what the fuck was that about?

You haven’t lived until you have a gay dude tell you that you ain’t shit… because you have sex with women… but they’re on the prowl for guys they can have sex with and complaining and wondering where all the men are. Well, you just kicked me to the curb for some reason, but I guess you won’t be getting laid today and especially with an attitude like that.

Preferences. I get it. Instant gratification. I see the sense in it but if you’re not getting laid – at all or not s much as you think you should be – keeping your preferences on lockdown, I think, isn’t going to help a whole lot. I would hear a lot of men and women talking about not settling for less than what they want and… I understand that but I also understand that good sex is where you find it… and there’s no telling where you’ll find it. Back in the teenaged days, you could get dissed by a girl because you didn’t have good hair or you were either “Clark dark” or “darker than midnight” or, because you weren’t getting laid, your face looked like you washed it with a cheese grater because of the acne you had. You could get dissed if you couldn’t sing or you weren’t in a band, didn’t wear name-brand shoes and clothing, and all kinds of “nitpicky” stuff that, at first, didn’t make one damned bit of sense but, again, once I learned about natural selection, okay – I get it now.

You haven’t lived until a girl you know asks you if you can hook her up with a guy she can fuck. Seriously. And, if she gives you some, it’s because you’re better than nothing – and you’d better not make her regret it. Ditto for guys who were beginning to ask me if I knew a dude who’d be willing to suck their dick – and even if they knew I was down with that. Okay, there was that “friends don’t have sex with friends” thing that was spreading like a virus and how bad of a thing that was but I would think that if you couldn’t have sex with a friend, who could you have sex with? Given that a lot of people were very leery of people they didn’t know, wow, I wasn’t sure how this “mindset” really made sense.

Oh, I had a girl explain it to me and it was all about feelings more than anything else. Okay, I understood that and that getting into a relationship because you had sex could be a problem… but we’re talking about just having sex and if anything else comes down the road, we can talk about it and, together, decide if it would be to our benefit to take things to the next step, stay right where we are as a fuck buddy, or just leave it alone and go back to just being good friends.

What made this confusing to me was knowing there were a lot of guys who, when looking for some dick, were looking to their friends first. It wasn’t unusual for a guy to tell me how much he was lusting after one of his male friends or, when talking about how we got turned on to dick, they got turned on with a friend. True enough, some guys weren’t of a mind to violate the “friend rule” even if they were suffering from a major case of blue balls. One such guy was having a bad time with it – and complaining about not being able to find anyone who was willing to help him with this; I told him that I’d be more than happy to take care of that problem for him… and I got turned down because we were friends.

Okay, you can try to sit there and deal with the pain; it cannot be said that I didn’t offer some relief. I was learning that even though male bisexuality was becoming more prevalent, guys were being… weird about it. You haven’t lived until a guy turns you down because he wants to suck dick and you don’t have the foreskin that he prefers. Or your dick wasn’t long or fat enough and now, a lot of things that I’d only heard women and some gay men saying. What does me being “too skinny” have to do with me giving you a blowjob?

Apparently, everything. Guys wanting what they wanted and in the exact way they wanted it… and not getting to have sex with guys and as much – and as badly – they were saying they needed to. As I’m thinking about all of this, I’m remembering Cityman asking me how I managed to get all the dick I’d gotten and me telling him, “I didn’t say no.” Well, yeah, sometimes I did because my instincts told me to say no but if they were saying that the guy asking was okay, well, okay.

I was telling him that some of the best dick I’ve ever gotten was with guys that no one wanted anything to do with. I was telling him that it didn’t make any sense to me to kick a guy to the curb because of how he looks when, um, his looks aren’t going to be the thing that’s got my attention. So what if he’s overweight? So skinny that you might want to take him to McDonald’s first? Does it really matter that you might not be able to “see him in the dark?” So what if we’re not the same race or what-the-fuck-ever else is getting in the way of getting our dicks hard and making them soft again?

Dude, I’m not asking for your hand in marriage and I’m not of a mind to do the boyfriend thing, either. Your horny and so am I; you want your dick sucked and so do I and, unless there’s something about you that I don’t know about, we both have dicks so it’s not like we’re gonna knock each other up. So… wazzup?

Big-time sighing. I understand it. Not sure I really understand why there are so many guys “dying” to get the dick they want and need but not being willing to… adjust some stuff so that they can get it. I have an interesting time talking to my protege about the great diversity that exists in this and he… yeah-I-know’s me but he also talks about having new and different experiences with new and different men… and like so many guys I know of, not doing a damned thing about it and because it takes them out of their preferences.

Even bigger-time sighing.

 

Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: 27 September 22

I remember stumbling across my father’s stash of dirty books. The apartment we lived in at the time was really a one-bedroom place but the “dining room” area was big enough to serve as my parent’s “bedroom” as well. I was playing with a ball and it got away from me and rolled under their bed and I went after it and… found all of these books under there!

I pulled one out and I saw the title of it – and I don’t remember what that was now – and my curiosity said, “Read it!” and… it was about sex. A whole lot of it. I remember my dick being so hard that it hurt and, as a friend had showed me a couple of weeks before, if my dick was hard and hurting, here’s what you do to make it stop hurting. I found myself in the bathroom reading this book and jerking off so many times in quick succession that I gave myself a friction burn and went through a whole roll of toilet paper cleaning up the messes I’d made.

I found myself raiding his stash every chance I got. My “mistake” was not knowing that he knew how he had his stash arranged so every time I swiped a book and put it back, well, he knew someone was messing with them and I’d have to say that he knew it was me because I looked under there one day and… they were gone. Obviously, he had moved them but, eh, he wasn’t good at hiding them because I found them again.

And some of those books were all about guys having sex with guys. It was like I’d found the Holy Grail or something because this was something I also knew about and, whew, I would find myself rubbing a lot of them out, absorbing what I was reading and, like some of the other guys were also doing, sharing what I’d read and learned with the fellas and, sure – let’s try that! It got us into roleplaying and, um, usually someone being the father and someone being the son and who had to be “punished” for stuff like chewing and cracking gum too loud or not loud enough but any old excuse to mete out punishment worked to get us naked, hard, and very busy emptying our young balls at an “alarming” rate.

I would, one day, realize that sometimes those very dirty books were used to seduce other guys by giving it to the guy to be “seduced” and telling him, “Just read it!” and if the guy didn’t run like hell once he saw what the book in question was about, it would definitely give him a major boner that, um, well, I can take care of that for you if you want me to. And even if the guy was one of them who weren’t of a mind to join us in our nasty fun, with him getting more than an eyeful of written porn and having a painful erection and balls would get them to… submit to the now tried and true method of taking care of the problem.

For some, reading whatever gay dirty books we could manage to get our hands on was yet again seriously eye-opening since we recognized the sex being written but for others, yeah, freaked them out and had them heading for the hills. There were no dirty books specifically written for bisexuality but, many years later, I had found a website that had nothing but those old dirty books on them that could be read online or downloaded in EPUB format and, yeah, I recognized damned near all of them and even remembered the storylines of quite a few of them. There were some where a guy would be all nice and heterosexual and having sex with girls/women and find himself being introduced to dick and “usually” by being made to suck dick and being conscripted to the bottom role of anal sex.

Hmm. That explained some stuff as I would hop in the time machine and go back in time to look at specific situations where a guy who, normally, didn’t join in our fun would tell me that they wanted to try something they read in a dirty book and, um, would I stick it in there and do it to him? Sure! I would get around to asking them why they changed their mind and wanting to do this, and they would say that it was just something they thought would be a good idea to try and let’s say that many had that good idea confirmed and some found that reading about being fucked in the ass and really being fucked in the ass were definitely two very different things.

And, yeah, I’m still kicking my ass over not seeing how even this early form of porn had some influences on us where sex, having sex, and sexuality were concerned.

I know my young and very impressionable mind absorbed a lot of what I was able to read. My father got “better” at hiding the new books he was getting and Adult Me would remember the layout of that apartment and realize that there were only so many places he could hide them and there was nowhere in that apartment to hide stuff that I hadn’t discovered either on purpose or purely by accident. And if I wasn’t spending my time having sex with my male and female friends, I was spending a lot of time jerking off to the “improbable” but highly exciting written sex. The gay ones were… educational, not so much in the actual sex that would take place but the many ways an “innocent” guy could and would wind up learning the same things I’d been learning about sex with other guys – and a lot of those guys weren’t really as innocent as the books would have you believe – but that’s the fun thing about reading and how you can start to read a book and the characters can be clueless about something but you know what’s gonna happen before it actually does.

I would say that if nothing else, those books influence and “encouraged” us to have sex. The girls, well, they were getting to the point where they weren’t having any of it but that was okay because even if we were doing something that was regular boy/girl sex, being in the role of the girl in a story wasn’t that far of a stretch of our imaginations and, um, shit, how many times did I eagerly volunteer to be the girl? A whole lot of times. We learned by doing and, yeah, I’ll say that some of what we learned to do came courtesy of those dirty books and as far as situations were concerned. Those of us who were deep into it already knew how to suck a dick and swallow cum and we knew how to stick it in and fuck someone as well as the joy of having it stuck in and getting creamed.

Adult Me is thinking that if it was possible for boys to get pregnant, we would have been in the very deep doo-doo given how much sperm we happily pumped into each other. It’s all very indicative of how we learned about any of this: What one of us learned was shared with the others.

Oh, and before I forget, that site I mentioned earlier doesn’t exist anymore but, um, yeah, I downloaded a lot of them in EPUB format and they’re on my hard drive… somewhere. I think. I’d have to look for them.

I remember the first time I saw visual porn. This one guy got found his father’s 8mm “dirty flicks” and the projector used to watch them and got a bunch of us together so he could share his find with us. It took the lot of us a bit of time to figure out how to make it work but we figured it out and, oh, boy. It was straight porn but we were mesmerized by all the women with lot of hair down there as well as all the men with really big dicks (and a lot of hair as well). We had started out jerking off and almost immediately or, in film time, about two minutes into the film and… things went downhill pretty quickly.

There were guys present who hadn’t done it with a boy… but they were now very eager to and Adult Me understands why and how… simple the reason they gave into it: When your dick is serious hard enough for it and your balls to start hurting, you’d do anything to make it stop hurting. A lot of dicks got sucked and a lot of sperm got swallowed; dicks went into asses or between the cheeks to be fucked and creamed and while the film wasn’t that long, shit, we were so deep into what we were doing with each other that none of us noticed that the film had ended or when it did. And then we had the nerve to load up another one.

Adult Me now remembers three guys who became bisexual that day. I don’t think that they had this “in mind” and as a way to have sex but when you’re with a bunch of guys watching a dirty porno flick and they’re all sucking each other, you didn’t want to be the guy sitting on the side and watching what was happening… and with your dick hard and balls starting to hurt. I seem to recall that no one made them join in and I do remember one guy telling the other that everyone else was doing it so they might as well do it, too, and the third guy, I dunno, maybe he just said, “Fuck it!” to himself and just jumped into the action… and the three of them very much found it to their liking. They found out what the rest of us already knew: Sex with girls was amazing and good… but so was having sex with a boy.

And, man, I’m still pissed that this… connection went right over my head but, I guess that, in my own defense, I was too busy being bisexual to think about how porn had lent its influence sexually and, shit, in some situations that I can now remember, someone’s sexuality. Damn it, how many times did I go hookup with a guy at his house and he put on some gay porn, and he’d tell me that he got into this by watching what was playing out on the screen?

A lot of times, as it turns out and I can now really remember. What I would find amusing were those guys I’d hook up with and they put on the porn upon my arrival and now they’re asking me if I ever did whatever was on the screen or would I like to and me telling him that there was probably nothing in that porno that I hadn’t done already and more times that I cared to remember. Adult Me remembers the one guy who was very new to this and, thanks to some gay porn he’d gotten his hands on, wanted to 69 with me and had admitted that he had never 69’d with anyone. Ever.

He got quite the wakeup call, too, to discover that watching it on a screen isn’t the same as doing it; he didn’t realize that it takes having the ability to focus on what’s going on as to not be distracted by what’s going on and, oh, yeah – deep throating a guy’s dick isn’t as easy as it looks, either. Neither is swallowing cum. My… bias was, at this point in my life, in full effect and I very much remember us sitting and talking and me telling him that what we were watching was art overly exaggerating life and stuff gets scripted, scenes get shot and redone and edited and you just can’t believe everything you see when you’re watching porn and then trying to do it. The second go-round was better, but it did have me thinking that guys looking for their first dick experience probably shouldn’t watch porn to learn how to do it.

Porn had influenced both his way of having sex and sexuality… and I fucking missed the connection and with it being right “in my face…” but, again in my defense, I had no reason to be thinking about it in this context. Still, I saw this a lot. I’d learn many reasons a guy would switch from straight porn to gay porn and why they were watching it to begin with which is a whole different scribble, methinks. Were there guys who learned how to suck dick by watching porn? Probably… and I probably knew it and didn’t make the connection.

Okay. I’m not mad with myself any longer – it was what it was both then and now. Cityman sends me this stuff and it’s… boring. Seen it before. Done it more than I’ve seen in it in porn. It’s predictable and very top/bottom oriented and he likes older and beefy guys who are also men of color so that’s reflected in the porn he likes to watch… and send me links to. I’ll take a look because it tells me a lot about him and what he might be thinking about M2M sex. I can’t say that he used this porn to “educate” himself because he was well on his way toward OTJ training in these things and then watching gay porn featuring the kind of men he prefers to have sex with.

He finds it exciting; it bores the shit out of me. I’m too cynical about porn and it’s why all of this went over my head. Oh, well.

 

Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: 25 September 22

“No plan survives first contact with the enemy.”

It’s a military thing that, more often than not, proves itself to be true. Why? Simply, you can’t really plan for what an “opponent” is going to do while you’re making plans that hopes to get them to do what you want them to do.

I was thinking about a time when I was sitting with a guy who was looking for his first experience. We’re sitting in his bedroom, on the bed, naked from the waist up and he’s so nervous that if I had shouted, “Boo!” he might have had a heart attack or something. I had learned not to plan for anything in this situation because (1) a guy’s first experience isn’t about me or what I want to do and (2) because I used to do that, well, such plans didn’t survive that “first contact.”

He kept asking me what I wanted to do and I calmly kept telling him that it’s not about what I want to do; what I want to do is whatever he wanted to do even if what he wanted to do was nothing more than the two of us sitting there and talking. After a couple of minutes of silence – and he’s less nervous at this point – I’m sitting and watching him and saw the moment when he decided on what he wanted to do even though I had no idea what that would be.

I had also learned to be prepared for anything. He said that he wanted to start slowly with this and by jerking off in front of each other. I said that was fine with me; we finished getting undressed and stretched out on the bed and we’re stroking ourselves and… I “knew” what would be next; at some point, he was going to suggest that we jerk each other off and that was also fine with me. A minute or two later, he asked if I’d be okay with giving him a hand and I said that I was and reached over and, well, gave him a hand; I wasn’t surprised that not even thirty seconds later, he was fisting my boner and, in my mind, I thought, “Let’s see how long this lasts.”

I almost punched him when he suddenly jumped up and started going down on me. Okay. In my experiences, this was known to happen and it’s not so much of a plan or an expectation but an understanding how things can escalate and also understanding that, sometimes, they don’t. He’s learning how to suck dick and I’m feeling a little silly because his sudden movement had surprised me but, focus.

Back in the negotiation phase, he had said that he didn’t think that he’d be interested in sucking dick but he was very interested in being sucked off by a guy; I had said that it was fine by me but I’m also thinking about the many times I’ve heard a guy say this and that’s not how things took place. He’s figured it out and I’m genuinely into what he’s doing; he shifts his position to lie beside me, his boner actually poking me in the cheek, and I didn’t hesitate to take him in and “show him how it’s done.”

I… “hate” being sucked by someone who had never done it before because their inexperience, for some reason, tends to make cum in a hurry and I had no idea why (and I still don’t know so don’t ask) but things are getting hotter and heavier and I feel his prick get harder in my mouth and he cums and it must have been pretty powerful because he kinda started to bite down on me and the only thing I could do – and while focusing on not gagging or choking on all the cum being put into my mouth was to stroke his face and that had him ease up on me.

Jesus. Amazing how a first-timer can cum from being blown and there’s a lot of cum and as the torrent starts to ease and he begins to soften, I’m thinking that he’ll probably tell me that he’s never cum like that before – but that’s for later because my dick is still in his mouth and it’s so warm and wet and, damn it, I gotta cum. I remove him from my mouth and give The Warning and as I had promised I would during our negotiations and in answer to his questions, you know, if he were to change his mind and suck my dick and hypthetically speaking. I’m lying there and feeling my impending release quickly approaching and I’m repeating The Warning and I hear him go, “Hmm-hmm…” which I know means that he not only heard me but for me to go ahead and cum.

I give into it and I’m cumming; I hear him go, “urp” and I’m dimly aware that this is literally a seminal moment for a guy; he’s either going to “acquire the taste” or he isn’t but I’m somewhat “beyond caring” in this moment as my release is beating me like a red-headed stepchild and… I can see that he’s okay even though he’s got this look on his face that I’ll probably ask him about later. Maybe. He releases me and we’re both lying there doing the usual gasping for breath and a couple of years later he finds his voice and asks, “Why did I do that when it wasn’t what I wanted to do?”

Okay… here we go. It’s not the first time a guy had “gone off script” and has asked this question so I gather my thoughts and do my best to explain it to him and how something in a guy’s head just says, “Fuck it – just go for it and worry about it later…” and they find themselves doing something that they hadn’t planned on doing. Trying to explain “being in the moment” isn’t an easy thing to do but I’m doing my best and keeping a close eye on him because he’s in a very vulnerable and fragile moment and experiencing some emotional lability.

He’s listening to me but I can almost guess exactly what’s going on in his head – he’s now trying to reconcile and internally justify his behavior and he’s kinda struggling with it, so I stop talking and ask, “How are you feeling?” He starts talking about how he’s feeling and it’s between feeling great and feeling seriously guilty along with being miffed with himself because he did something that he formerly thought he had no interest in and wasn’t going to do and as he’s telling me this, oh, boy, he’s at a moment where what’s going in his head is going to make his body react… badly.

How many times have I had a guy throw up after swallowing cum for the first time? Too many to count. The bad part is that if he’s going to barf, there’s not much I can do about it other than to “sneak in” a suggestion to just breathe normally; I sneak this in on him and he nods and takes some nice deep breaths and he asks – again – how all of this happened and I say, “Things don’t always go the way we want them to.”

“We can say that I want to do this or I’m not going to do that and sometimes, things go according to plan and… yeah, sometimes, things can go in another direction. And that’s fine and you have to know that it’s fine; shit, I don’t know how many times that’s happened to me, and I’ve been doing this for a while.”

He nods and I can see in his eyes that he’s understanding this, but he’s got some more work to do in his head. He asks, “So now what?” which is “code” for “What are we gonna do now?” And it’s like… backpedaling but I say, “That depends on you. We can stop right here or…” I don’t really have to finish the sentence because he knows that he’s got a decision to make. In my own mind, I’m thinking that we’re either going to call it quits at this point or he’s going to want to do it again or – and as I’d experienced – something else might happen like somebody’s dick winding up in somebody’s ass.

Now it’s just a matter of what he’s going to say next. Strangely, there’s a… pattern to this and one I had noticed a few years back and I’d learned that even when I could see the pattern following form, there’s still no telling what’s going to happen so trying to “plan” for it is futile. The programmer in me is thinking, “If, then, else…” and now it’s all about the parameters that’s going to determine what, if anything, happens next.

He laughs and says, “You probably didn’t plan on this happening, did you?” and I say that I have learned not to plan or expect anything because things can either change or they won’t, and you just never know what’s going to happen until it does. I laugh and say that he obviously hadn’t planned on things going the way they did – and to “prove” that what I had just said was right.

And now we’re back to the beginning and him asking me what I want to do and me telling him that it’s still not about what I want to do and I say, “This is your experience and unless you have something in mind that I could say no to, it’s about what you want to do.”

Was I surprised that he wanted us to suck each other off again? No, not really. It’s not a plan or an expectation but an understanding about how things can go; I’d been in this situation and moment so many times and have seen guys respond in so many different ways that you can’t “plan” for what’s going to happen next, and it makes no sense to try to.

It takes longer for both of us to cum and his second time sucking dick was more… refined? Not sure that’s the right word but he was better at it than he initially was but, in my mind, – and as I’m taking him deep and holding him there – this isn’t that hard to figure out. Some guys are “a natural” at this and some guys have to figure it out and sometimes they do and sometimes they don’t.

He’s fucking into my mouth and I know he’s about to cum; he buries himself deep in my mouth and throat and for a split second, I’m thinking, “Uh oh…” and prepare for not really swallowing his cum and… he cums and I let my body handle it as his cock is pumping strongly. I do get a “chance” to swallow when he backs off enough – and I’m thankful because now it’s a bit easier for me to breathe. He “shifts” from cumming to furiously sucking my dick and a moment later, I cum and he’s “laughing” as he’s swallowing and how I can tell that is something I can’t really explain but I know what that feels like.

We separate and he… apologizes for “ramming” his dick down my throat and I wave it off and tell him that it’s no big deal and it’s not like I’ve never had a guy do that to me before. He asks me if I’m okay and I give him my “do I look like I’m not okay” look and he nods… and now he’s back inside his own head about what he’s done – again. I tell him that it’s okay and for him not to worry about it. I tell him that, sure, things didn’t go the way he had thought they would, but they don’t always do – you get into a flow of things and whatever happens, happens.

He asks me what I would have done if he had wanted to fuck me, and I said that I would have gotten fucked… because that’s what he wanted to do. What would I have done if he had wanted to be fucked was his next – and not unexpected – question and I said that I would have asked him if he was sure that he wanted to do this and if he really was, um, he would’ve gotten fucked because it’s what he wanted – and all of this was all about what he wanted to do more than anything else.

Things don’t always go according to plan and even when both guys are experienced at this. I just do not know how many times I’ve gone into a sexual situation with a guy and with a “plan” in my head about how things were going to go and… things don’t go according to plan. Or they do. Or, sometimes, you know that the plan has to be abandoned and that’s a weird one because I’ve been with a guy, things went according to plan but both of us somehow knew that something else was supposed to happen but didn’t.

So I learned not to plan for anything. Whatever happens, happens even if what happens is… nothing. Okay. At least inside my head, that “if, or, then, else” thing is always going on and it’s like planning but not really and it’s hard to explain. It’s like what am I gonna do if this happens or that happens and if this, then that, or else, this or that and it sounds crazy trying to write this down but it’s not that crazy in my head because, well, it’s the way I think. It’s about… probability. Cause and effect. A lot of known and unknown variables and that’s just about me and not “considering” the other guy because I know what he said but what I don’t and can’t know is whether or not he’s going to throw out his own plan – and our “plans” get chucked because being in the moment calls for it.

The two of us had talked about fucking and I was ambivalent about it; it didn’t matter to me if we did or not because this wasn’t about me… but I had showed up prepared for it and just in case and that, too, is a lesson learned. You “plan” for everything you think could be possible while not expecting things to go the way things were agreed upon. They usually do. And they sometimes don’t.

We didn’t fuck but went for sucking each other off for a third time and that only “worked” because we had taken a long enough break to rehydrate, get a bite to eat, and to hit the bathroom. It took longer for both of us to cum but we both managed it and he let me know that he was quite satisfied with how everything went and “praised” me for being a good sport and allowing him to do things the way he wanted them to while being surprised that he wanted to do what he’d done.

I waved it off and once more reminded him that this – all of this – was 100% about what he wanted to do, and it was the only thing I had really planned on – I just didn’t know what was going to happen. I didn’t tell him that I wasn’t surprised at how things escalated from jerking off to sucking each other off because I’d seen this happen too many times to be surprised by it. There’s a “predictable” pattern to this that is also quite unpredictable because you really can’t know what the other guy is going to do or how the flow of the moment is going to play out. I’ve been happily sucking a guy and being sucked and… one of us winds up with a dick in our ass… and that wasn’t the plan.

So, in a very weird way, you plan for things not going to plan. Yes, things usually go according to what was negotiated and nothing more than what was negotiated… and not so much sometimes. The best thing to do is to be prepared for… anything. Or nothing. You can have it in your head what you want to do and… it goes according to plan, or it doesn’t. Or it does… kinda. At least for me, it’s all about being in the moment and going with the flow of it and with the understanding that you can’t really know how that’s going to go. You can “plan” for it to go a certain way and sometimes it does. Sometimes. How many times have I surprised myself and the other guy when I’ve blurted out, “Put it in my ass and fuck me!” and, yep, I’m wonder why the hell I said that because it’s not what I planned for and not what we agreed to.

Or he’s the one who’s gone off-script and I had to learn not to get… discombobulated when the “plan” goes flying out the window and now, hmm, how are things going to play out now? Sometimes, it goes well and sometimes not so much and even then there’s no telling or planning for what could happen but with a first timer, I have to plan for what I’m doing to do and/or say if some damage control is called for and understanding that even planning for this might go by the wayside because it proves to be not needed or, shit, sometimes, it’s ineffective or partially so or, shit, let’s not really call it a plan but it’s just being prepared for… probable stuff.

This moment went well for the guy and, well, that was the plan I had in mind. What I wanted to do was for this to go well for him. I did eventually tell him that I had kinda/sorta expected things to go the way they did and assured him that he wasn’t predictable but there’s a pattern to this that, again and for you guys, isn’t easy to explain but you just know it. I explained to him that you can start off like we did and jerking each other off. Okay. This is… okay. But then, hmm, doing this to each other sounds like a great idea – and for a lot of reasons that you just can’t put into words. He nodded at this point and admitted that when he suggested that we jerk each other, he was thinking about what my dick would feel like in his and and all that and why the hell not.

We’re both laughing over that. I then said, “At some point – and I really don’t know why – you’re stroking the other guy and, like we did, we’re watching it happening and then it just… pops into your head that you want to suck the dick you’re stroking and even though you had said that you weren’t interested in that but now you are and you start doing it and you’re wondering why you’re doing something you said you didn’t want to do and didn’t plan on doing it… and did he see what goes on with this?

He said that he did and how weird it is because that’s kinda what he was thinking… and impressed that I knew what he was thinking and how did I know that? Well, that’s because I’ve had those same moments myself and if I can recognize it in myself, it’s not all that hard to recognize it in someone else and more so when you get chances to see it and as many times as I’ve had.

You… hope for the best but expect the worse. You… plan for things while expecting for things to not go according to plan because you just learn that you can never really know what’s going to happen until it does. There’s what you want to do and then there’s what could happen that’s unexpected because you have this… idea in your head about how something is going to go, and some guys get blindsided when the unexpected happens… and they’re the one who flushed the plan down the toilet.

It’s… complicated to write down and as you can probably tell. You plan for the plan not going according to plan… and going according to the plan. Crazy, huh?

 

Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: 24 September 22

Fifty-nine years and one day ago, a girl gave me the best birthday present ever: Her body. She was ashamed that her family was poor and that meant she was unable to give me a present at my party. I have a very clear memory of her coming to me, wishing me a happy birthday, and almost in tears to tell me that she didn’t have a present to give me but there was something she could give me.

Herself. We snuck into a hiding place I’d discovered in the huge hallway closet of the apartment I lived in: A “secret” area which, when I got a lot older, I realized was an extra storage space – and it was there where I’d asked her what she wanted to show me and what she showed me was how to have sex with her. I can get all into that “I had no idea about this” stuff even though it was the truth. She didn’t have to do anything to get me erect except to hike up her dress and pull her panties down; she laid down on her back and opened her legs and told me to lay on top of her, which I thought was weird but, okay; I did that and she guided me to her “kitty cat” and used her hands on my butt to push me into her and…

It felt weird. It felt good. I didn’t know what this was, but I liked it… I think. She talked me through how to move and I followed her instructions and it felt so good and I very much remember thinking that this is the sex thing my parents were telling me to stay away from. It went from feeling good to feeling really good; I was all… tingly. Then I heard my mother asking if anyone had seen me because it was time for me to blow out the candles on my cake and… some panic as I jumped up and we got “redressed,” and I went to blow out the candles on my cake and… I felt really good and a little bad because now I knew about the sex thing and had disobeyed my parents.

A whole lot of years later, I would understand what happened that day; I would understand the situation she found herself in; I would understand the sacrifice she made to do what she did, and I would absolutely, positively appreciate the gift of her body. What I would wonder was how did she know what to do? I never got the chance to ask her because her family had moved like a week later but, yeah, I knew how to do it a girl and was going after every opportunity to do it.

Then I got introduced to dick. The very forbidden thing of having sex with a male. The moment I had his dick in my mouth, I was hooked on the taste and feel and got the hook sunk in deeper when “all of a sudden,” I feel something warm in my mouth. It tasted salty and there was a lot of it and, in another of those moments that I will always clearly remember, I had to do something because the stuff in my mouth was starting to make me gag so… I swallowed it. More out of self-defense than anything else. Adult Me would be reliving this moment and say, “You could have spit it out, you know…” and, no, I didn’t know that (you big dummy) but I just did the only thing I could think of doing at the time.

And it was another of the best things I’d ever experienced. It was scary good because, once again, I’d disobeyed my parents and did the one thing they told me to never do, and I do remember asking them why and all they said was that it was wrong. And… now I knew that they were wrong but what I wanted to know after it was over and done with was why did something that everyone said was bad feel so good? A week later – and to my great shock and surprise – I would ejaculate for the first time and I did it inside my “girlfriend” and, yeah, thought I was dying and she’s ecstatically telling me that I did it over and over and I have no idea what she’s talking about, but she pointed down at her kitty cat and said, “Look!”

I did and, I dunno, my still shook-up mind just knew what all that white stuff was – the “dreaded and feared” baby-making stuff and my mind also made the connection of what I had swallowed that day. And now, I could shoot it. Adult Me would, one day, understand that in that very short period of time, I had learned what it “really” means to have sex. Girls. And boys. And… I was off and running on a path that I shouldn’t have been on but one I had no intention of ever leaving.

Why did something everyone said was so bad feel so good? Because it’s supposed to feel good and it’s not really as bad as I – and all of us youngsters – were being told it was, from having sex to having it with boys and being in that… special place where I could do the nasty – have sex – with both boys and girls. Did it get any better than that? I would find out that it did and as I like to say, I’m still embarrassed at how eager I was to have sex. Man, talk about being a whore about it? Anyone. Any place. Learning that what my father had told me about never putting my mouth on a girl’s pussy was not only mysterious but I never learned why he said that… but putting my mouth on a girl’s pussy, as it would turn out, was better than putting my mouth on a guy’s dick and making him shoot lots of cum into my mouth and, oh, yeah, my mother telling me, all late and wrong, to never let a girl put her mouth on my penis.

And knowing that both boys and girls were having a great time doing just that. It just didn’t get any better because if the girls didn’t want to do it, there was always a guy or two or five who’d want to, from sucking each other off to fucking each other. Adult Me would have a laughing fit to recall that I hated having my temperature taken rectally… but I liked a boy putting his dick in my ass, fucking me, and shooting lots of jizz – cum – in there. So weirdly good.

As I was learning more and more about having sex, I was also learning why grownups were so uptight about it. I would learn that there are bad things that can happen when you have sex. I would start to wonder if the adults around us (1) knew we were deep into having sex and (2) what us guys were doing to each other and every damned chance we got. Well, I got caught fucking a guy by my mom and I knew I was dead meat and, another of those crystal-clear memories, I still remember the lecture she gave me in lieu of beating the life out of me and to say it was scathing doesn’t even come close to how I felt. As in so many things, Adult Me would think about that moment – and the fact that after she got done verbally shredding me into tiny pieces, I went back to my room… and right back to what I got caught doing and having a bit of an attitude because I knew that had she walked into my room five minutes earlier, she would have caught the other guy dick-deep in me and there’s no telling how that would have went.

Adult Me would see that Teenaged Me would realize that the adults did know what us guys were doing and… they did nothing, well, for the most part. Adult Me would remember all of those times spending the night with a guy and we’re doing it like it nobody’s business and we’d get a huge scare to hear a parent saying, “You boys better not be doing anything you don’t have any business doing!” and I would think that it was a warning but I would understand that they weren’t really warning us as much as they were telling us that they knew what we were doing. I would learn, through the mistakes of others, that adults only got involved when (1) there was a complaint about it (and that was extremely rare) or (2) the guys in question were careless or just unlucky to get caught in the act.

Learning that what we were doing wasn’t just happening where we lived: It was… everywhere. All kinds of guys were into this and things like race didn’t exclude anyone. Some guys only had sex with guys but a lot of guys I’d meet were like me and had sex with both and couldn’t get enough of having sex and/or doing it with another guy. I was learning so much that Adult Me wonders why my head didn’t “explode” from all the information I was cramming into my head about sex and going both ways. The good of it as well as the bad. Understanding that “boys being boys” thing and what it could really mean if, uh, you know, a guy want to or didn’t mind doing it with another guy and also learning that sometimes, it was the only option other than jerking off as much as I and others were doing – and finding out that we didn’t go blind and didn’t start growing hair on the palms of our hands – was to have sex with each other and, at least for myself, I’d say that 98% of the time, the sex with guys was very damned good… but also learning some shit about us that girls not only knew but hated about us but also liked about us.

Yeah, girls are weird… but I was understanding why they were, and even more shit was getting crammed into my head and it all made sense to me; Adult Me would realize that I not only participated in a masterclass for having sex, I understood what sex was and before I turned 16 and when other guys and gals were just now finding out about sex. And the learning just did not stop.

Being exposed to the prejudice homosexuals were being exposed to even though I knew that I wasn’t homosexual, well, not as a “full time occupation.” Finding myself being amazed and/or amused to run into guys who were fantasizing about sex with men and in ways that I’d already done and “mastered” and all before I was a teenager. Getting even more into being the one guy that other guys would have their first sexual experience with a guy… or with anyone. Or, if that didn’t happen, I’m telling them what I know about this.

And at every turn, learning how… juvenile and hypocritical we are about having sex. Adult Me would go on a business trip to the UK and I remember how… embarrassed I felt to hear my UK teammates talking about how immature Americans was about sex and that we needed to grow up and get with the rest of the world where sex was concerned. And still learning that we were, on the whole, “content” to be prudish about it and making us the sexual laughingstock of the world.

And… the learning kept right on happening. Eventually getting around to understand why the social stigmata exists and, fuck, humans are insane because they want to believe all that religious stuff over what was really happening; that didn’t make sense to me then and it still doesn’t make sense to me. But my innate and sometimes bothersome curiosity about a lot of things would, one day, be what made me good at the job/career I’d chosen because it wasn’t enough to know that something happened; I had to know why it happened and, at least for my job, do whatever it took to make sure it didn’t happen again.

As far as bisexuality went, I just wasn’t “content” to know that, yeah, guys do have sex with each other and sometimes in some eye-opening ways that can make me cringe. I had to know why. I had to know what made a guy who wasn’t getting laid by a woman come to the conclusion that having sex with another guy was the thing to do and more so when masturbation was more of an inconvenience than the pleasurable thing it usually is. Why and what makes a guy want to always be “the girl” when having sex with a dude? Getting older and allegedly wiser about this bisexual thing and running into men who, according to them, never had any thoughts or interests in having sex with men… and now they want to and the urge to do it is driving them batshit crazy… and they wanted to know where this shit came from and what to do about it or, as I would learn, wish that they weren’t thinking and feeling the way they were about it and that it would just away and leave them the fuck alone.

And learning that… it never goes away. Yeah, as far as I know, the only thing that really makes this go away is when you stop breathing. Bearing witness to how our social and moral norms were at the source of “budding bisexuals” being confused and otherwise disturbed due to the conflicting nature of things. On the one hand, it’s a taboo and sin for a man to even think about wanting to have carnal knowledge of another man and worse if he does and if he does, he’s got to be gay. And learning some disturbing shit about humans and the power of belief can wield in ways that can make us, well, stupid, for lack of a better word because, clearly, a man who has sex (and other intimacies) with women and men can’t be gay.

And learning that some gay folks… aren’t really as gay as they believe themselves to be and bearing witness to some… insanity going on in this. Not all gay men hate women and as I’d heard it said and believed by others; not all lesbians were man-hating fanatics, but I’d learn that so many believed in the way being gay is supposed to be and, yeah, sometimes, they’d get confused and otherwise discombobulated to find out that the way it’s supposed to be isn’t always the way it can be.

You know, if you don’t mind and if you don’t mind, it never matters. Learning that the only way it does matter is if one keeps believing whatever’s going on inside their head instead of looking at what reality has been showing us all along and, all the while, trying to “get away” from accepting that we – humans – are some very damned sexual critters… and it’s not like we don’t know that and… that’s why there’s a way things are supposed to be and why they should never be deviated from and…

We’ve been deviating like a motherfucker… because it sure as fuck does feel good and it feels good to be bad. Learning that there’s a… dynamic at work here, not so much about what guys are doing to each other in the pursuit of sexual pleasure but how it’s being looked at. I like to say that once upon a time, any guy who would have sex with another guy would be deemed to be unmanly. If he sucked dick and like to get fucked, yeah – a total faggot and flaming fag… but I would notice that no one had anything bad to say about the other guy; if “Tim” was a girly faggot for sucking “Dean’s” dick and being fucked by Dean, what does that make Dean?

And that was “the way it was” for the longest time until I noticed a change and one that said that it is very manly to have sex with other men and if you didn’t, you were some kind of punk-assed motherfucker and one who needed to get with the program. I’d found this interesting because I had come to the conclusion many years prior that it takes some manly intestinal fortitude to make the decision to have sex with a guy and I knew that because I talked to a lot of guys about this and got to see – and learn – what it took to make this decision and in the face of the ongoing hatred for homosexuals. The need to have sex this way; being compelled to do it and, yeah, the dynamic had changed to the extent that I was seeing guys who knew what role they wanted to play in this, and they were nowhere near in a position to do what they were very much wanting to do.

The social dynamic was changing all along and more so when the LGB community was established, which started out being a damned good thing because they were a resource for those who were… having problems with their sexuality and it was a safety zone to escape the prejudice and hatred being displayed by those who refused to understand this thing about us. Today, it’s the LGBTQ+ community and bisexuals were/are finding out that in this alphabetical mishmash, we’re the red-headed stepchild because there are those of the LG persuasion who are of a mind that the B, specifically, isn’t a part of their struggle for equality all across the board.

And seeing how all of this social shit was affecting the dynamic where bisexuality was concerned. I thought things were bad when I was growing up… and it’s gotten worse and to the point where I’m sometimes not sure what the hell some folks are talking about… and then learning that they’re talking about this in the way that they are because… it’s the only way they can accept and understand it but, methinks, not just simply looking at it for what bisexuality really is and without overthinking the way they’re doing.

I wonder if the generation before mine were looking at how we were going about bisexuality and wondering what the fuck we were doing… and they probably were. I had to worry about being singled out as a homosexual; bisexuals today are worrying about being erased. What the ever-loving fuck? Is it just me or has everyone really and finally lost their minds? They went from understanding how fluid human sexuality really is to… being erased. Being told that they’re invisible. Now it’s all about gender and being non-binary, and a whole lot of other things, I’m finding it hard to make sense of, like, really – what the fuck does “cishet” really mean? Yes – I looked the word up and I understand what it says… but I don’t understand why the word exists in the first place. There are bisexuals who object to the word “bisexual.”

What…? The thing I am seriously glad and happy about is that I didn’t become bisexual in the here and now. I know that it was confusing enough as I was growing up and today – and how some or a lot of folks are looking and redefining bisexuality – it’s even more confusing and I sometimes find it… disturbing to see how many people are buying into this… reorganization of bisexuality. It’s now become a political thing for us to bitch about – and like we don’t have enough political shit to be fussing and bitching about already and this bitching seems to be along the same lines that homosexuals were bitching about… and they had a damned good reason to bitch and take things to the political level.

The overall “perception” that bisexuals are being persecuted makes my jaw drop. I know that bisexual men were the great evil before folks today started riffing about; I know that the schism between men and women got widened because bisexual men were seen as the great and dangerous evil; I knew both men and women who believed that all bisexuals carried the HIV virus. Learning how we let our fears, both real and imagined, just fuck with us and for no good reason and letting that which we fear override our intelligence and, sometimes, irrationally so… like biphobia. And if that wasn’t bad enough, all of those people who insist that it’s not an irrational fear and as phobias have been described as and before I was born and way before that blessed event.

They say that biphobia is not an irrational fear of bisexuals… but it is. So is homophobia but here’s the thing I learned about this: We become afraid of something when we’re told to be afraid of it. And, supposedly, it’s possible for a bisexual to be biphobic… and I still don’t know how the fuck that works. I’ve gotten flak from some quarters because I don’t believe in that stupid erasure thing that has so many bisexuals pissing themselves over. You can’t erase bisexuality. We’re still trying to erase and invalidate homosexuality and, yeah, you really have to think about and question our collective sanity to be trying to get rid of something that has always existed and that’s because it’s part of human nature.

And how did trying to erase homosexuals work? It didn’t. So, trying to erase bisexuals isn’t going to work. It’s said that I’m invisible because I’m not of a mind to let every damned person I come across know that I’m bisexual and I’m sure as fuck not going to be “out in the street” and like so many are doing to let everyone know that bisexuals are real… and like we didn’t know that already – and we did know it but those damned homosexuals were the great evil to pay the most attention to.

Growing up – and I’ve said it before, and I’ll keep right on saying it – the general consensus was that anyone who would go both ways must be out of their fucking minds and more than those gay motherfuckers were crazy. I keep learning; I do my best to understand the things I’m observing as the dynamic continues to change right before my often-unbelieving and incredulous eyes. What the holy fuck is going on?

And I know people who wonder why I long for the good old days…

 

Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: 23 September 22

I was just looking at the latest response to a post that asks, “When did you realize you were bi?” and I find all the responses to be really interesting but as I read the latest one, a question popped into my mind: How much does porn influence bisexuality?

I jumped into the time machine and went back to a conversation I was having with a guy about bisexuality and we’d gotten around to talking about porn… and I had asked him that when he’s watching porn, what gets his attention the most? He’s going on and on about the women in whatever porn he’s watching and how hot – or not – they are but he allowed that watching women suck dick get his attention and, of course, seeing a big dick stretching out a pussy give him the impetus to jerk off…

And I asked, “So what you’re really doing is paying attention the guy’s dick, right?” And the look he got on his face was, classically, beyond precious and priceless because – and as I think a lot of guys who watch porn aren’t all that aware of – he never considered that his focus wasn’t just on whatever woman was getting nailed. Of course, he denied that he was but I couldn’t stop myself from fucking with him by pointing out that it’s not possible for him to not see the dick on the screen since he’s paying attention to what he’s doing to the woman in the scene.

At the time, I didn’t have a single thought about porn influencing bisexuality and, to be honest, this… just really occurred to me and more so when a lot of the responses to the above questions included watching porn of some kind and… hmm. I really had to dig around in my mind to find the moments when I really did hear a guy say, while watching a woman sucking a guy’s dick, “I wonder what’s that like?” And the times when I’ve said, “Would you like to find out?” and, um, given that we’re sitting there watching porn and getting all horny, well, okay. That they’d find out that I know exactly what it’s like is a revelation for them but the bigger one is that they sucked my dick, tasted my cum… and, hey, it wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be!

Yet another guy was telling me one day how he stumbled across some gay porn “by accident” and, as he said, he got misinformed by the title of the porn he wound up finding and… watching. He talked about how disgusted he felt as he sat watching and I was thinking, “Maybe so but you kept watching it just the same…” and he even admitted a moment later that watching two men having sex was like that car accident you didn’t want to see… but you can’t stop yourself from looking at it. The whole time he’s telling me about this, shit, Stevie Wonder could see that his dick was rock-hard so when he eventually got around to asking me if I’d ever had sex with a guy, I knew where this was going and what was going to happen.

Jump ahead about two weeks later. I run into him again and he says that he has a bone to pick with me and I’m thinking, “Uh oh…” because we had gotten into blowing each other and several times and I’d left him feeling that he was emotionally okay and, yeah, man, did he ever have a good time being sucked and sucking me… but, maybe not? Come to find out that the bone he had to pick with me was that since that day, he’d been sucking almost every dick he could get his mouth on, and it was my fault that he now liked something that he had once said disgusted him to no end.

I remember what it took for him to admit that watching that gay porn had, indeed, excited him and I had mentioned the “revelation” I’d said to that other guy I mentioned that if you’re watching porn and there’s a guy involved, you’re looking at his dick and whatever’s going on with it. I now realize, since I’m really thinking about it now, that I’d run into a lot of guys who got… interested in dick because they liked to watch porn. I’m not saying that all of those who did went on to find out what it’s like to get some dick but as I recall, a “few” of them did and whether it was with me or some other guy and, because I’m just now really thinking about it, porn does have the potential to make bisexuality a thing to think about… or to check out.

I know why this has never really crossed my mind before. One, I’m already bisexual and, two, I’m not an “avid” fan of porn and “stopped” being one the moment I realized how… contrived and not really real it tends to be. I found that I don’t get much of a thrill watching people on a screen having sex and more so when it’s more thrilling to be the one having sex. That’s just me and I’m biased against porn for a lot of other reasons but, okay, there must be something to it given the number of forum members who specifically stated that they started watching gay porn at some point and how it played into them realizing that, at the very least, they might be bisexual and it is to note that some of them got into watching gay port after having a first experience with dick.

How you get there is important and if you pay attention to how guys become bisexual – and provided that you had a reason to be interested in this – and you hear enough of their stories, you see… patterns. In my early deliberations and investigations, it seemed to me that we all learned about this the same way and, indeed, we do except it’s… different and now the devil is in the details. Like, I very much recall telling my protege about the porn thing since he’s a fan and, likely, subscribes to a few porn sites and even he said that he hadn’t noticed how much focus he had on the guy’s dick, and I said that there’s no way he can watch a guy fucking a woman and not see his dick while focusing on it being in her pussy. He would admit, sometime later, that, yeah, he’d be checking out the guy’s dick but his bisexuality… hadn’t quite come to the front of the line but he’d had a few situations where, today, he can see that he could have found out about this before he did or, something should have happened but didn’t.

He sends me links to porn (even though he knows how I think and feel about it) and if it’s plain old ordinary sex between a man and a woman, he does like to point out how the guy’s dick is and how much cum he gives up once he pulls out. Likewise for the gay porn stuff he’ll also send me and, yeah, one or both guys are seriously hung and all that. Okay – I’ll look at whatever he sends me and comment accordingly but the porn he wants me to check out tells me a lot about him and what excites him when he watches it.

I’m kinda kicking my ass at this point because I should have seen the relationship already; I did see it… and didn’t pay it any attention and that’s 100% on me. Just totally ignored the times a guy did say that he got curious about sucking dick because he watched porn of some genre. Sometimes it spurred them to check it out and sometimes they had some… prior experience but watching porn rekindled the interest. I do believe that my bias against porn is responsible for “blinding” me to this connection and with good reason given the many times I’ve had sex with a guy and he’s imitating what he’s been watching or the guys who really do use gay porn as a primer to learn how to have sex with a man… and either picking up some “bad habits” or, often, being dismayed because the real sex they had didn’t play out in the way porn had put on display.

I totally missed the connection between dudes giving each other facials and real-life guys who are all about getting one because while I wondered where they could have gotten it into their head that getting splooged in the face was exciting, I knew it must’ve been porn… and just never really made the connection. That and I know that I would hurt a guy who busted a nut in my face and he did it on purpose but, yeah, where’s the place one can see this?

Porn. Gay porn is… cliched. You know how it’s going to go before you get past the first few seconds and it has… sub-genres and, I guess, like all porn does – there’s something for everyone’s tastes and sensibilities if, um, you know, you don’t object to watching porn. Indeed and shit – the membership loves to ask and talk about what kind of porn they watch when they’re jerking off and I see this and… disconnected and, again, I know it’s my bias against it that’s keeping me from seeing porn’s influence and especially with those guys who haven’t had their experience yet. I will now grudgingly admit that a guy can get some… confirmation about his sexuality by watching gay porn and getting in touch with his feelings about what he’s watching and, yeah, finding out “what it’s like” and… I guess that’s okay and more so when I grew up around guys wondering what it would be like and we had little access to visual porn and reading dirty books, well, they played a role in things but reading it and seeing it are two different things but, shit, damn it all to hell, I did know and have sex with one guy who said that he’d swiped one of his mom’s dirty books and it was about two guys having sex and that made him want to know what it was like.

And I was more than happy to help him out with this. See, when we get to talking about male bisexuality, it’s usually about what guys do to each other but we don’t much get into how one gets it into his head that having sex with a guy might not be as bad as everyone says it is or, yeah, that’s some gay-assed shit… and that bad car accident you don’t want to see but can’t keep yourself from looking at it. Porn isn’t “the main reason;” one might even say that porn’s influence, if any, is incidental. I’m still miffed that I didn’t really catch on to this… but I’ll get over it one of these days.

The question is still valid, I think and calls for further investigation and crawling through my memories to see what else I fucking missed. This getting old shit is definitely for the birds…

 

Life, Living and Loving: Another Year!

Today’s my 67th birthday and I spent a few moments thinking that I wouldn’t mind being 37 again and I smiled to myself to think way, way back to a time when it was inconceivable that I’d be this old because I couldn’t wait to be a teenager, then be 21, and… now I’m 67.

It is said that at some point, your birthday becomes just another day; it’s an important one, of course, but yeah, it’s being thankful to be around to contemplate being a year older and, shit, another year closer to the end of things and it makes celebrating every day a good thing to do. It’s… weird to know how old I am but my mind isn’t so much in denial about my age but I don’t think like I’m this old, which is a good thing.

I got out of bed and the moment my feet hit the floor, my joints sounded off like a box of Rice Krispies and I did what I’ve been doing for a while upon hearing these sounds: Rolled my eyes. Sheesh. The other day, I had a kink in my shoulder and, fuck – what happened to those days when something like this would happen and I could literally shake it off and like it never happened? Now I work on getting the kinks out and I have to be careful not to hurt something else in the process.

I remember my late and beloved mother saying when she was 40-something, “This getting old crap is for the birds!” I remember thinking that she wasn’t that old and, of course, I would understand that I really couldn’t relate to what she was saying given I was 20 years younger. Now I know exactly what she meant; I remember talking to her when I turned fifty and told her, “You were right; this getting old crap sucks!”

And she laughed… for quite a bit of time, too.

Thinking about being much younger and resisting the urge to roll my eyes every time I heard someone say, “When I was your age…” and I’m telling younger folks the same annoying thing. I happened to be looking for something on my phone and ran across a picture of me holding… my great-grandson. And then even weirder thing of “noticing” that the old guy in the picture isn’t the guy I see in the mirror every day and, hmm – it is weird that a camera can see something that your own eyes don’t.

I had my yearly (and “mandatory”) exam for my insurance carrier and I’m in pretty good shape for a guy my age and given the stuff going on with me and… when the fuck did I become that guy my age? One of the first birthday wishes I got was from… my first grandchild who will be 32 tomorrow. Thirty-two. He’s still miffed that he wasn’t born a day earlier but, yeah. He’s gonna be 32. I have twin second cousins who were born on this day; I have a first cousin who was born 363 days after I was and I have always loved giving him da bizness to wish him a happy birthday and remind him that for two whole days, we’re the same age.

A moment of sadness to think that my brother and older sister are gone. Another to think that I’m an orphan and that with the exception of my cousin’s mom, that generation of the family is no longer with us. I know that the clock is running down and I’m not even looking forward to the day it runs out. I sigh and… I need to get my passport renewed, I finally got around to getting the new wallet I’ve needed for a while now as well as doing something as mundane as getting a new belt and even that was long overdue. And… what’s for dinner?

Today is… just another day but one that I am more than grateful to be around to complain about shit. I’m having one of those senior moments because I’m trying to read the instructions that came with my new belt for attaching the buckle and… I can’t see that shit. Well, that’s because I didn’t have my glasses on and… I roll my eyes and set the belt and buckle aside for later. Taking a moment to not only clean out my old wallet but trying to figure out how I’m going to get the stuff I need to carry in the new wallet… and seeing my AARP card and… I still have my original Social Security card which, in the old wallet, was in the plastic sleeve and behind… my Social Security card.

I was giving my cousin da bizness (as usual) when texting him a couple of days ago and I asked him if he’s gotten that letter from Social Security congratulating him for reaching retirement age. He said that he hasn’t gotten it but when he does, he’s gonna frame it and I allowed that mine is… filed away somewhere.

Yeah, this getting old crap is for the birds… but it’s good to get old even when your joints like to sound like a Fourth of July fireworks display. All you can do is… laugh. It’s funny – and not so much – when you can now sprain your back just getting out of the bed. But life is good… and that’s why someone invented Icy-Hot. I have a neighbor who’s a few years younger than I am and he can’t seem to believe that I am, in fact, older than he is and probably because, I dunno, I either don’t look like I am or, more likely, I don’t think like I am.

I talk to the guy I’ve been mentoring in the ways of bisexuality, and I find myself saying to him, “Wait until you get to be my age…” or yanking his chain to remind him that my youngest child is older than he is and, yeah – who’s your daddy?

Another year older. Allegedly wiser and, all things considered, I’m really not bad for a guy my age.

 

Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: 22 September 22

Yesterday – or was it the day before? – I saw some tweets about a bisexuality conference in DC where advocates met with President Biden to talk about bisexual rights and, from what I read, things went well.

On the forum, oh, maybe a week ago now, a guy was talking about something regarding his bisexuality and, somehow, the thread quickly devolved into a political debate. I get emails from our governor and all I’ve been seeing the past week is pictures of him with people with their Pride/bisexuality regalia on full display and the governor’s promise that our citizens will be treated equally and without regard to their sexuality.

Good stuff. I’m still a bit puzzled at why this has turned into a political issue. I’m not ever going to say it’s a bad thing because, as citizens of this country, if we don’t stand up for our individual (and human) rights, governments across the country aren’t likely to or the ones that do stand up for those rights wind up getting shouted down and ridiculed given how our politics have always had a religious undertone in place.

On the eve of my 67th birthday, I’ve lived damned near all of my life as a bisexual man and since a lot of people can’t tell the difference between a bisexual and a homosexual, I’ve borne witness to a lot of shit as well as being subjected to it at times and all because people don’t understand and don’t want to and, well, y’all know how I feel about that. One of the things that stands out to me about the political direction things have gone in is that if a law can be passed, it can be repealed so lawmakers can uphold someone’s sexuality right now and turn around at a later day and “revoke” them.

In the current Senate race in Pennsylvania, ads throwing the Republican candidate under the bus have been blasting the airwaves and especially the soundbite of him being asked if gay marriage should be allowed and him with this… look on his face as he says, “No. Absolutely not.” In the recent clusterfuck over the repeal of Roe v. Wade, this same candidate is shown saying that, “My body, my right…” is ridiculous and you can tell by the look on his face that he meant what he was saying. Of course, the problem here isn’t just what this guy is saying but the spin doctoring and sound biting going on so that you hear what he said but there’s… context which, of course, those who would prefer this dude not be in the US Senate has taken great care to avoid.

It is to note that Roe v. Wade has been around for as long as I can remember and was the law of the land as well as the subject of many a political debate and the US Supreme Court, the final arbiter of constitutional law, overturned the Court’s decision about this highly volatile subject… and that should tell sexuality advocates something about what politics thinks about someone’s right to self-determination. It’s been out there for a while now that, yup, bisexuality is real and so are bisexuals but if you pay attention to what a lot of the advocacy is saying, you would think that bisexuals have been getting their heads handed to them and worse than homosexuals were getting their heads handed to them and… I don’t see that. At the very least, I haven’t experienced it like I’ve been observing.

Which sometimes gets me asking, “What the hell is going on?” I don’t dispute that bisexuality has been a major problem for some folks but, again, you pay attention to what’s being said, and it implies that all bisexuals are de facto victims of man’s inhumanity to man. Our religious beliefs specifically state that homosexuality is a sin and all that so it’s not really that big of a stretch to toss bisexuals into this same pot of boiling oil and if for no other reason that it being… convenient. Homosexuals had to stand up for their right to be treated like everyone else is and a lot of laws have been enacted to try to stem the violence against homosexuals (and rightfully so) and I’ve seen a few stories about some poor bi guy who got jumped and beaten or whatever because he got subjected to the same homophobia that, again, I grew up hearing and seeing.

And despite all the political and legislative stuff that’s in place to “ensure” one’s right to be the sexuality of their choice, a lot of bad behaviors are still going on because like I realized one day about racial prejudice, as long as there is one person who is racially prejudiced, it’s never going to go away. So, yeah – as long as there are people who continue to believe that religion is right about what it says about and against homosexuality, it’s not going away either. We just “get a kick” out of exercising our right to denigrate and invalidate the rights of others.

I’ve had more problems tossed at me for stuff that has nothing to do with my sexuality. Yeah, you draw someone’s ire and you’re gonna get some grief and that’s just to be expected but if you can wrap your head around our fear of the other, I don’t know about anyone else but it just seems to me that since we’ve not being able to purge this from our behavior as a social animal, all this hellraising over bisexuality isn’t going anywhere and no matter what politicians and the various courts have to say about it.

Which is probably why a lot of bisexuals just… go right on being bisexual and don’t want anything to do with all the social and political riffing. If no one knows or suspects that you’re bisexual, they can’t try to kick your ass about it, figuratively or literally. I’ll be back in a moment: I have to get my iPad so I can look at something I saw on Twitter last night because it made me go, “Hmm.”

And, of course, I can’t find it and just watch: I’ll see it again later today and when I’m not looking for it. The gist of what I saw was that bisexuals confuse people because we aren’t… hetero- or homonormative and we’re not gender-specific (which seeing that made me cringe) and the tweet made me go, “Hmm…” not because it wasn’t true but, okay – it took someone this long to figure out that we don’t fit the general descriptions? Really? Sure, I knew this but reading the tweet made me wonder how someone could be told what bisexuality is and… they don’t see that we don’t fit the general descriptions we’ve used to define and describe both hetero- and homosexuality. Um, the word says it and it’s pretty straightforward but, yeah, humans aren’t always of a mind to accept that bisexual means two sexes and that it has to mean something other than… what it means.

The bottom line of things is that if you’re bisexual and you’re not going to stand up for yourself, who’s supposed to? The clown posse that resides in DC? As long as you understand this, well, that works and more so when there are so many people who just don’t or, actually, they really do because they’re not really that stupid or ignorant but it’s all about that which you believe… and you have the right in this country to believe whatever you want to and even if what you believe is, let’s say, obviously wrong.

If homosexuality is real, why isn’t bisexuality just as real? The truth is that, um, duh, it is and always has been real but you haven’t “lived” until you tell someone that you’re bisexual… and they tell you that you aren’t and can’t be. I had the… opportunity to find out why I’ve had people tell me this and, okay, I get it but if I’m telling you that I’m bisexual, what you believe, er, yeah, that can’t be right. Yes, I know what it says and I’ve seen many a Baptist preacher, on “any given Sunday,” almost give themselves a stroke dancing and prancing and hollering and throwing buckets of fire and brimstone on the congregation over this to not know what it says.

We confuse people because we’re not straight and we’re not gay. The… anti-binary crowd would have you believe that if you said that you’re both, well, you’re not right but I know why they’d say something like this because of gender and, yeah, people who believe that they are neither male or female and, I picked the wrong day to give up drinking! I’ve had 58 of my soon-to-be 67 years to not only be bisexual but to see how people react and behave and, sure, not all of it has been good but there are a lot of people who… don’t give a fuck if you’re bi as long as you’re not hitting on them or those they know and/or otherwise care about.

And if someone is sexuality prejudiced, um, unless they know, suspect, or take rumor mills as the gospel truth, that you embody the sexuality they are prejudiced against, they cannot subject you to their prejudice. But like I said the other day, if you give someone a stick to beat you with, guess what’s gonna happen? When you “put your business in the street,” you leave yourself wide open for some shit that will make you wish you hadn’t put your business in the street.

I don’t run around decked out in the colors and happily letting folks know that I’m bisexual because… it’s none of their business how I have sex and who I might have it with. It is… incredulous that we, as a society, can be so prudish and private about having sex but some of us are pitching a bitch how, in this case, bisexuals are being bisexual. I’ve known for the longest time that people hear “bisexual” and think “homosexual” and it’s never failed to amaze or baffle me at how and why some folks connect this thing that isn’t directly connected to homosexuality.

Or, like I’ve been saying, um, did you miss the part where I said that I love women and pussy? How is it that you don’t seem to know that “bi” means two and “homo” means “the same?” The only thing those two different words have in common is the “sexual” part and, yes, it can literally mean sex because, well, sex is some good shit to be having and… why it is any of your business how I – or anyone else – is getting laid? There are a lot of things I don’t believe in, but I think I’m realistic enough to know and understand that just because I don’t believe in something doesn’t make it… invalid. I’ve found that a lot of people are the same way… except for this.

And getting the DC Clown Posse to “sign off” on bisexuality as a real human right, well, I see the sense in it but those idiots can overturn a woman’s right to determine what happens to her body and there are factions working on invalidating gay marriage, um, what’s stopping them from acknowledging that you have the right to be bisexual and not be discriminated against and then, somewhere down the road, taking that right away – again. Or still. Or is this really the political issue that some advocates are insisting it is? Do bisexuals really have the same bullshit to deal with that, historically, homosexuals have been dealing with ever since it was declared to be a moral sin?

There are those who would have you believe that we do. Someone had asked me what my biggest problem being bisexual is and I said, “Deciding what I want for dinner.” They thought I was being funny, and I wasn’t even trying to be funny because there are more important problems I have to deal with, and my bisexuality isn’t one of them. They launched right into the tired, old-assed bullshit I grew up hearing and even asked them if they knew the difference between a bisexual and a homosexual and they said that they did… but.

Oh, here we go… again. Do I worry about really being gay? Oh, fuck no, since I’ve proven time and time again that I’m not. Do I worry about what other people would say? Not anymore since no matter what they say, it’s not going to change the fact that I’m bisexual. What does my family think? They think I’m crazy but what else is new? And… why are you all up in my business like this? I told you that I’m bisexual. What else do you need to understand? Oh, silly me, you need to understand it because bisexuals… don’t make sense because we’re both straight and gay, well, as far as having sex goes but I also know that it’s more than that and if you’re not willing to take my word on this – and given how long I’ve been bisexual, I don’t know what to tell you and if I’ve learned nothing else, I’ve learned that people are going to believe whatever they’re going to believe and no matter what I say.

And since that person wanted to get all up in my sexual business, I asked them when was the last time they got laid, who they did it with and don’t leave out any of the juicy details… and you should have seen how uncomfortable they got and they asked me why I wanted to know their personal business… and I said for the same reason why they wanted to know my personal business. Point made.

I sometimes keep having a dream about being at a Pride event and I’m the keynote speaker and… it didn’t go well because what I told them about bisexuality wasn’t what they wanted to hear and beginning with how silly they were behaving about it. Telling the audience that bisexuality isn’t just an intellectual exercise but it’s also some very real shit because thinking – and, in this case, being – are two different things and if they haven’t been exposed to the reality of things, well, they might be in for a shock or two because being bisexual isn’t really all that different from being hetero- or homosexual because it’s how we can relate and interact with each other and the only real difference usually boils down to who we’re having sex with and that means is it a man, a woman, or both.

And how the current mindset keeps making this harder than it already is. In the dream, no one got up and left but they were most certain stunned and so quiet you could hear an ant fart. In the dream, they were expecting some sugary stuff about bisexuality and that’s not what happened. I… didn’t make any friends but that wasn’t the point of things. In the dream, I spoke about not only what I know about this but what I’ve actually experienced, and I didn’t pull any punches which, being in that place where I knew I was dreaming, kinda surprised me a little but, okay. Dreaming. Making a note that if someone really did invite me to speak, um, I might want to politely refuse.

And, in real life, I have upset quite a few people but, yet again, they found that asking me questions they really don’t want to hear the answers to isn’t always a smart thing to do. Would I want to sit down with some politicians and have a conversation about the problems facing myself as a bisexual male? No, not really since I don’t have any problems other than some people giving me shit about being male and bisexual and that’s their problem and if they want to make it my problem, well, don’t. Just don’t. Leave it alone. Does my bisexuality make me feel… oppressed? No… and why would it? If I were to allow the social shit to fuck with my head, I would have been institutionalized a long time ago because, oh, woe is me, nobody likes me because I’m not like they are.

Such is life. What do I want for dinner? When I get my lab work done to see how my kidney function is doing, what’s it gonna say? Damn, I’m running out of blades for my razor… and how much shaving cream do I have left? Gotta make an appointment to get my eyes checked and I’m probably gonna need new glasses but, hmm, do I wanna go with a different frame or what? Shit… thanks to this pain in the ass kidney issue – and it’s literally a pain in my ass – I need to get new pants, underwear and T-shirts and… a lot of other things I think and worry about more than I do being bisexual.

I am… forever curious. Like, why are you surprised that I suck cock when you know that there are guys that do… or is what surprises you is the fact that I’m not gay? And it is a fact, by the way, and I’d love to say that I don’t know why you don’t believe this, but I do know… and that’s often the sad part. It’s pretty sad when we have to get… political about this and in a country where our right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness is a right and one of those inalienable rights at that. As in it cannot be taken away from us.

Yet.

 

Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: 20 September 22

Interacting with guys, from just hanging out to, um, doing the deed if it’s like that. Sometimes, it really is a just-sex kind of thing and sometimes it can turn into more than that and as my protege keeps finding out.

His current FWB is giving him da bizness about him having sex with other guys and women and “hinting” at a more exclusive kind of thing which I find… amusing since this guy is having sex with other guys as well. It’s one of those things where it’s okay for him to sleep with other men but he’s having some issues about my protege doing the same thing.

Which tends to bug the shit out of him. The two of them are an “odd couple” even though they are not in a relationship with each other. My protege is bi, his FWB is gay and… this tends to get interesting and, yes, been there myself and dealing with the same “complaints.” You have a conversation about how things are gonna go in this situation and trying to make it as NSA as possible – unless one is looking to attach some strings. Once this is understood and accepted by both parties, things can go forward and, hopefully, smoothly and without too many bumps in the road…

Like your FWB giving you da bizness about who else you’re giving the dick to… and it’s not a health concern thing. I tend to… laugh at my protege when he tells me about this because (1) he just seems to connect with guys who’d love to take him off the market and (2) I get to tell him – again – that this is what he gets for being good at what he does and in this situation, yeah, he must be giving his FWB some serious dick for the guy’s feelings to jump to the front of the line.

Then we get to talking about this – again. I remind him that sex has a master key to our emotions; I remind him that all of us are of a mind that if we run into someone who really resonates with us and “all across the board,” it’s pretty normal to (1) catch feelings and (2) want to be monogamous and exclusive with that person. Now, if this is something the other person is interested in, it’s not a problem but, yeah, if there is no interest in taking things in this direction, it can get interesting and not always in a good way.

I’ve had gay men try to convince me to come over to the gay side and forget being involved with women; I’ve had them “lose their minds” because I tell them – again – that I’m not interested in such an arrangement and there’s no way in hell that I’m giving up women and… now it’s all about them, how they feel, what they want from me other than whatever sex we’re having and why can’t I be like him?

Um… because I’m not. It’s not like I don’t know about having a gay boyfriend – I had one and, whew, what a rush that was and more so when I thought that it was impossible. I learned so much about this kind of relationship, but I didn’t have to get da bizness from him over having sex with my wife because he understood what the deal was before we even agreed that, yes, let’s have a relationship and I’ll just say that he got to understand why I like pussy and leave it at that. The main point was that he didn’t give me any grief about anything but in my experiences with gay men, my boyfriend was more the exception than the rule… and whatever the frigging rule is and means.

Sure, lots of one-off sex with gay men which is all well and good and many of them would try to turn me to the gay side but didn’t give me shit about not wanting to do that… and some of them got pretty dramatic and, sometimes, really nasty about it. Stuff like this taught me about that nonsense about bisexuals not being able to commit to one person thing because I have, in fact, heard this more from gay men than any other source. I get it and I had to because some guys were really upset that (1) I wasn’t giving up women and (2) I’m not really gay like they are.

It’s not like they didn’t understand my situation and my position regarding anything other than us having sex; I learned that, yeah, I’d better be clear about it so that some guy isn’t going to [again] ask me to leave my wife for them. What I had to do was understand how and why they were feeling the way they were and… as always, I learned some stuff and stuff that, by the time I got a boyfriend, made sense since just because the other guy is gay, it doesn’t mean that he doesn’t have feelings of wanting to “belong” to someone and that they look at this in the same way everyone goes about finding someone to call their own and between things like personality and, um, how good the sex is, it makes sense that those guys wanted me to be gay and trying to convince me leave my wife to be with them.

My protege is a great guy and I fuck with him and saying that he’s a gay man’s wettest dream and that he’d make some guy a great husband. Why? Because of his personality and he’s not really a bad looking guy (even though I yank his chain about that); he’s amiable, generous, conscientious and has all of the qualities one would want in someone when a relationship is possible and… apparently, he is very good in bed and he stays horny. He’s all about male bonding and having the kind of male friends that are okay with them having sex but he’s not going to commit to anything beyond FWB and I cannot say anything other than that here.

Yesterday and because his FWB had a bit of a hissy fit about his activities, he said that he might have to rethink this whole sex thing… and I asked him, “Rethink it in what way?” and, later, asked him why he would do that but, for me, it was a rhetorical question because I knew he was reacting to what his FWB had to say which is something that he should be aware of but doesn’t mean that he has to change himself over what the FWB said… unless he wanted to be in a monogamous relationship with a guy.

And I reminded him to never say never about this one; if you think it’s not possible, you can expect Mr. Murphy to show up and teach you some real deal shit and why you should never say never and like myself and a whole lot of other people have found out. He mentioned having a talk with his FWB and I asked him why because all he was going to do was tell the guy something he already knows. I suggested that he just… monitor things but, yeah, he might have to have that conversation with him, but I did also remind him that there is nothing he can do about how someone else feels other than, at the very least, accept that this is how they feel, and you don’t have to do anything about it if you don’t want to or can’t.

He told me that his FWB said that he’s flustered because he can’t figure my protege out and, well, that doesn’t surprise me a whole lot because dealing with a bisexual isn’t “that easy” because of the dual nature of what we are. It’s almost like “I’m bisexual” goes right over some guys’ head or, gay men look at other men and see potentially gay men and that’s understandable and… the heart wants what the heart wants. He said that his FWB wants to see him have sex with a woman and that didn’t surprise me because, as surprising as it may seem, there are gay men who don’t know about being with a woman and, as such, can’t see or understand the attraction. Personally, I felt that, well, how can it not be understood? It’s not even close to rocket science but this, too, taught me some stuff about how some guys think and why they think the way they do.

It’s… complicated. I sometimes think that we “forget” that sex has power and, like I said, it has a master key to unlock emotions that we might not want to get unlocked and… that’s just the way it is. If it’s that good to you, you can hardly help wanting more of the same and if they’re consistently kicking your ass into the next county, well, it can be… bothersome to know that this person is doing the same thing to other men and, oh, yeah, women. I’m never trying to be insulting but when I had to deal with this, I saw that there’s a disconnect happening because I can’t and don’t think like a gay man and the gay men giving me da bizness didn’t and couldn’t think like a bi man and, as such, our ideals of the whole love, sex, and relationship thing are… different but at the high level, not even different as far as what everyone is doing in this pursuit and, of course, if/when things get to the relationship phase, it’s all about being monogamous and giving up whatever other interests you may have and, well, you’re on lockdown and that’s just the way it is and has to be.

I remember having this conversation with a guy and asking him if he really believed that it was possible for me to just forget and give up women and not even think about them… and he told me that in order to be with him, I had to and I pointed out to him that he was assuming that I wanted to be with him like and I didn’t. Totally fine with having sex. I could – and because I had permission – take on a boyfriend but I was already in a seriously complicated relationship with three women, and I knew that they weren’t trying to hear anything about another guy being in the mix. He said that it didn’t make sense to him that I’d want to deal with women, which had me thinking if he had an axe to grind with women or he just believed that because he was a gay man, he’s not to ever have anything to do with women except maybe being friends.

He wasn’t happy and I did feel bad that he was feeling the way he was but… that’s the way it was. I understood his feelings and, again, I didn’t like hurting them, but it always remains true that just because this is what you want doesn’t mean that the other person is going to want it and even if they did, they still have to be able to engage like this. And it all lends itself to how I’ve heard gay men say that, bluntly, bi guys ain’t shit and then understanding why they feel this way.

We – bisexual men – aren’t gay men. We can have sex like we are but anything beyond that is dependent upon what the bi guy is willing to entertain and what he isn’t. I’ve hurt the feelings of a lot of gay men and… there’s nothing to be said or done about it because I’m not gay and I love the shit out of women and their very delicious pussies… and I can’t even imagine myself… not being myself. It’s a pain in the ass but it’s one that is also understandable and… it can get complicated and messy.

I don’t have anything against gay men but when sex is in play, well, I got to learn about that master key because I’ve gotten unlocked more times than I care to admit to and it’s seriously fucked up to get unlocked and then find out that the other person, well, they have other plans. And then learning to accept that they don’t want things to go the way I’m feeling they need to go and… messy. Frustrating. If only they were more like me so that they could better understand but… they aren’t like me and asking them to is… unreasonable and unrealistic because they have a commitment to themselves to… be themselves first and foremost.

I’m typing all of this and I have that look on my face and my head is trying to start hurting because I know there’s no easy way to deal with this situation when Person A is very smitten and thinking about a more exclusive kind of thing and Person B… isn’t even interested in taking things to this level. I’ve been of a mind that this is another one of those things where Person A can intelligently understand Person B’s position but emotionally? Yeah, not so much. It is of great interest to note that this isn’t totally a sexuality thing but some stuff that I’ll say everyone goes through and regardless to sexuality.

The heart wants what it wants and it’s not going to be happy to not get what it wants. You can keep your own feelings in check… but you can’t do shit about how the other person feels and they’re feeling this way… because you got them to feeling this way… and ain’t that about a bitch? I think that we – men – think that we can just have sex with each other and avoid any emotional entanglements and like so many of us do regarding women. We want them and not just for sex and… she’s not feeling it. It hurts and no matter how many times you wind up experiencing this and if you understand being rejected by a woman in this, it’s not all that hard to understand it when the people involved are both men.

Complicated, frustrating and very messy. We perceive that there are different… mandates that are part and parcel of one’s sexuality, but I got to learn that there really isn’t any different mandates because we all want someone we can have sex with, and we want someone we can love and be in a relationship with. And it sucks horribly when one of these things doesn’t happen or happen the way we want them to and it’s two ships passing in the night and a seriously foggy night at that. Even among bi guys, you have the one “camp” who is of a mind that catching feelings is to be avoided; let’s just have mad crazy sex with each other and not take things beyond the friendship that’s been established. In the other camp are the guys who very much want feelings to be caught and to be in a situation that’s more than just having sex and, I guess these days “classically,” that would be an FWB situation and if it can be exclusive, so much the better.

What a fucking clusterfuck this can be but it’s one that erases the sexuality lines and that’s not hard to understand but let’s say preferences within The Big Three are… different. Opposite sex, same sex, both sexes and getting the twain to meet on some common ground isn’t impossible but it can be messy because one doesn’t really want to hurt someone else’s feelings but, yeah, it happens and sometimes because it has to happen; our goals aren’t compatible past a certain point.

A gay man told me that when he’s my woman, he expected me to give up women and pussy because he would be all I needed and could give it to me better than any woman. I didn’t laugh due to the seriousness of the conversation but what I knew – and what I told him – was that, bluntly, there was no way in hell I was going to do that because I can’t do it. I’m bisexual in both thought and deed and now you’re asking me to do and be something that I don’t want to do or be. Which makes me the bad guy. I get it. I really get it. It’s just the way things are in this and the way it’s always been when one person wants this and the other would prefer to chew glass.

Setting aside feelings of jealousy, envy, obsessiveness and possessiveness is a bitch and a half to do and like how some guys can’t handle the fact that the woman they’re with now… was someone else’s woman in the past and, well, you know. I know I had to learn to rid myself of these things because holding onto the was causing me a lot of emotional pain and over stuff that I couldn’t do anything about – and that included what someone else was feeling about me and/or what they wanted from me that wasn’t just sex. Again, I know what it’s like to be in love with a guy and how wonderful it was being in a relationship with him and more so when we… understood each other. My bisexuality wasn’t a problem or issue for him and he even said that my being bi was what attracted him to me in the first place… and I can only guess how he knew that but I think I know who told him. Not a problem, really.

I never had to listen to him “ranting and raving” about what I had to do being married and it wasn’t like I wasn’t spending quality time with him – and the kind where you can keep your clothes on, too. I had a problem dealing with and understanding his emotions at times and he knew that because we would talk about how things were going with us and if I was having an “interesting” time getting a grip on this, he was as well and the whole relationship was amazing because we understood each other as far as sexuality went and we didn’t allow our sexuality differences to get in the way of how we felt about each other.

I learned some important shit being with him. I got a seriously up-close look at the “gay mind,” if you will and what I learned from him helped me to understand why guys I’d had sex with before him were behaving the way they were – and then see it in a big picture way or, he wasn’t behaving any differently than I did when I met my wife and fell in love with her. I learned that sexuality aside, it’s not all that different but I also learned that there are a lot of gay men who aren’t so able to emotionally understand this. And… the power of sex. Combine that with a personality that just resonates with someone and, well, what do you think they’re going to be thinking and feeling?

And, at least for myself, feeling some kind of way because I knew I was going to hurt their feelings because I didn’t want what they wanted. I can’t not be bisexual. I wouldn’t even try to “guarantee” that I’m not ever going to want to have sex with a woman. I’d already learned that monogamy is a joke and very damned unreasonable since you really cannot control someone else’s feelings and can barely do something to prevent them from acting on their feelings and, yeah, monogamy is some seriously fucked up shit that I would prefer not to have anything with but that’s a whole different kind of scribble and one I’ve done a few times. I don’t dismiss the fact that I just might meet a guy and fall in love with him because if it happened before, it can happen again. It’s not a… goal for me. I can reasonably think and feel that my bisexuality is going to give my new gay boyfriend some fits at some point because my focus isn’t going to be 100% on him because I have an incurable case of pussy on the brain… and I don’t want to be cured of it.

It stands to reason that if he wants what he wants, I want what I want… and it’s not just dick. I’m going to have to deal with any fears he will likely have that I’m going to cheat on him and I’m not going to guarantee that I won’t since, unless he agrees to the condition I know I’m going to put on the table, cheating on him will be the only way I will be able to take care of my other sexual needs and when I want to eat pussy and, um, make it messy, my boyfriend doesn’t have one and, sheesh. Am I admitting that I’d cheat on him? I guess I am because if I don’t understand anything else, I understand that needs must. I understand that I’m not being who and what I am by being something and someone that I know I’m not. Don’t get me wrong – I can be monogamous… but I’m not going to like it and I do have a problem with a way of life that tells me that I can’t have what I want and just because I’m in a relationship and…

Messy as anything can get. I don’t know what my protege is going to do if his FWB is really making a move to take him off the market and essentially turn him into a gay man. I’m almost sure that my protege isn’t of a mind to go this route and, yeah, him walking away from women and pussy? Not gonna happen and it can’t happen; I understand this and I think his FWB intelligently understands this but another thing I learned is that logic and intelligence tends to not be proof against strong emotional stuff.

Yes, you gotta know that I told him that this is what he gets for being good at what he does… and what he’s exceptionally good at is… being who he is. I’ve often told him that the way he can understand this is to think of any time in his life where he’s been dealing with a woman because there’s not a lot of differences going on here so what an FWB is saying about how he feels and all that should sound very familiar to him. I advised him not to “lose his cool” over having to go through this again. Just be cool and keep an eye on things; maybe this is a one-time “gripe” and because of something else I’m not at liberty to mention but, yeah, I can see how that something else could get this guy fussing about some stuff. If it’s a one-time gripe, fine. Do nothing other than what you guys are already doing. But if it continues, then you’re gonna have to think about how you’re going to handle things when they start to stress your sensibilities. He’s made it clear to me that he doesn’t want to have a boyfriend and it’s not like his FWB doesn’t know this… but. This guy is… expressing how he feels and if I’m not mistaken, this is the first time he’s done something like this and for my protege, it’s a new record because he’s had FWBs who have gotten to this moment rather quickly.

Better him than me but, as his mentor, I got his back… but I also have his FWBs back because I understand how he feels and what’s making him feel this way. It’s yet another of those occupational hazards that aren’t necessarily related to sexuality but when you toss that into the mix, it gets… interesting and not always in a good way because the heart wants what it wants; you take a great personality and combine it with near-consistent mind-blowing sex and… what do you think is gonna happen? Sheesh, I’ve just blown gay guys and I’ve had them go all relationship-mode on me and I couldn’t make sense of it until I eventually put it all together and… damn. Yep, I thought about giving up having sex with guys because of this but why should I stop being the way I am because of how someone else feels? It’s not “my fault” that I am what I am and it’s not the way some gay men wanted me to be: Both monogamous and gay.

Yeah, I just can’t see myself doing this. I will never say never again but I know me. Women… yeah. Them. So gloriously insane and so glorious to be intimate with. Gives me some delicious chills and they will always have this effect on me and I’m going to always want them because living by dick alone is something that is possible… but I don’t want to do and no matter how I might be feeling about a guy. That’s me. It’ll be interesting to see how this turns out for my protege and his FWB. Hopefully, this is just a hiccup but the reality says that it might not be – it could be a big pothole but that remains to be seen.

A very heavy sigh. I… understand this because I found myself having to understand why some gay dude were giving me so much grief about being bisexual and not wanting anything more from them than sex and being made to understand that they’re human and prone to catching feelings and just like all of us are and… you learn some hard lessons about some stuff and you’re revising what you think you know, taking a close look at yourself and all kinds of stuff and, yeah, sometimes, hurting someone’s feelings because you can’t be to them what they want you to be.

C’est la vie. Seriously because this is not a joking matter.

 

Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: 19 September 22

Twitter has been abuzz with stuff about Bisexuality Awareness Week, which ends, interestingly enough, on Bisexuality Day with also happens to be my birthday. Yeah, couldn’t have planned that one if I had wanted to and to be able to celebrate two very important aspects of my life!

One of the things tweeted asks what/who inspired you to come out and another kinda asks how/when did you know that you were bisexual, and people have been responding to these questions and… that’s nice. I thought about how I might answer those questions and my answer to first one regarding being inspired wasn’t so inspirational; I just became totally “Ask me if I give a fuck about what you don’t like about it” because I ran out of patience having to deal with the ignorance of other people. Not so much a thing of coming out, is it?

And really, in the times that I’ve come out to people, it’s never been because I was inspired to; it was either because I had to or just getting to the point of just letting someone know this about me so as to ward off any unnecessary questions that might show up somewhere down the road. Like, I’m trying to get with this girl and not just for sex and telling her ahead of time that I was bisexual would also tell me much about her and especially if she freaked the fuck out. Yeah… you’re not the one for me at all.

How did I know? I didn’t… at first. I didn’t even know there was such a word until, and as I’ve shared numerous times, I happened to come across the word during a trip to the public library to work on a homework assignment. By that time, I was 500% into being bisexual without knowing there was a word that described my behaviors. Oh, well – better late than never. Once I realized the significance of the word, all that talk I would overhear about people who went both ways and batting for the same team and, yet another baseball analogy, hitting from both sides of the plate also came slamming home to roost and…

This is some really cool shit! But, yeah, I didn’t know. What I did know was that having sex with guys and gals was beyond cool. Adult Me would, one day, sit and chuckle while shaking my head to think that I’d gotten a masterclass in having sex in a stupidly short period of time and if I had known then that my curiosity would put me on a path to understand as much about bisexuality as possible, hmm, I probably would have left that part of it alone but, obviously, that’s not what happened.

On the forum and when the membership gets to talking about “how did you know,” there are so many of the guys who had no idea what bisexuality was or, like me, the word “bisexual” even existed. What they knew was they either liked whatever they might have been doing with guys and gals or they didn’t since, you know, having sex with guys is seriously gay and gay is a “bad thing” to be. Some guys spoke to having the thoughts and feelings towards guys but, my goodness – that’s gay thinking! And some guys knew the word existed and what it meant but, for some of them, they weren’t the duck they were quacking like or thinking about doing some quacking.

I often shake my head with a great deal of sadness to see how that damned NY Times article that declared bisexuality and bisexuals to be real has not only shaken up the boat but is putting all kinds of holes in the boat. People were losing their ever-loving minds – what do you mean there are really bisexuals and that it’s real? You can’t be serious! All kinds of stuff started coming out of the woodwork and from too many sources to mention and including so many people who were insisting that they couldn’t or wouldn’t be bisexual because they couldn’t see themselves in a same-sex relationship with someone and, yeah, the coming out/being outed horror stories were being told as well as those who’d been quacking like a duck and vehemently insisting that they’re not that duck because they’re not gay.

Craziness. Unfettered insanity and on a level I’d never seen before but that made sense because being a switch-hitter was one of those things that got passed via word-of-mouth and, yet again, the ongoing mindset that anyone who went both ways had to be out of their minds, in denial of being gay, and just plain old greedy – and whether the allegations of someone’s bisexuality were true or an outright lie and fabrication. And the resulting clusterfuck has been going strong since that article came out. I’ve seen bisexuality being described in ways that, wow, where are these people getting this stuff from? It was… amusing to see so many people having an opinion about something that, for the most part, they didn’t know existed and/or they didn’t believe that bisexuality was real.

Then things got… ugly. From bisexual women being the de factor victims of domestic abuse and bisexual men – those nasty-assed, down-low and cheating motherfuckers – being the sole source of HIV and STDs and once these things found their way into the conversation, I was really stuck on stupid to see all of the stereotypes and misinformation coming out that wasn’t all that different from what I’d grown up hearing said about homosexuals. I would think that the outburst of stuff was actually a benefit because if you grew up with bisexuality before the advent of the Internet and the World-Wide Web, you got a look at the much bigger picture as people the world over joined the conversation about the validity of bisexuality as a sexual orientation.

Oh, and Black male bisexuals are a myth and I laughed my ass off over this one because, for one, it’s not true and for the other, a lot of stuff specifically mentioned this. So many things put out there and I’d read that attempted to get to the source of bisexuality (laughable because most of it was totally incorrect) and saying that bisexuality was more prevalent in inner city/urban areas and then among those who weren’t all that educated, drug/alcohol uses, those who were chronically unemployed and, yes, people of color and… what the fuck? It wasn’t that these things weren’t true but there was little mention of the middle and upper classes being a part of this and, well, I sure as hell knew better than that.

Bisexuality doesn’t care about stuff like this, and no one is really immune or exempt from being bitten by the bisexuality bug but one of the things that had me scratching my head were all the people who were pitching royal bitches about something they said wasn’t real and didn’t exist… and if that doesn’t sound insane to you, I don’t know what to tell you. Seriously, if bisexuality isn’t real, what the fuck are y’all raising hell about? I’d read articles and other postings that I’d sometimes have to read twice because I didn’t understand it the first time and I didn’t understand it because a lot of this stuff was… psychobabble. Uninformed opinions written in a way to sound like they’re proven facts and like the author knew everything there is to know about human sexuality… and as far as I was concerned, they sure as hell didn’t and a lot of it was – and still is – laughable and pretty sad.

The real experts in human sexuality had finally gotten off the bench about bisexuality and many of them correctly went way, way, way back in the day and cited human sexual behavior before the advent of our current and long-standing moral and social contracts and, yes, including the little known but actually kinda famous bonobo monkeys and also including other animals that displayed bisexuality. Not trying to gross anyone out but I do remember seeing a video of one male chimp giving another male chimp a blowjob and yet another one where a male chimp rolled up on another male and gave him the high hard one right in the butt.

And like it was no big deal. It’s just that humans really know how to fuck up something because we’d rather believe what our morality says about it than to believe that, um, bisexuality isn’t just a human thing and many of those experts opined that being just hetero- or homosexual was… unnatural behavior as far as being monosexual was concerned. Eh, I wasn’t sure about that but, at the least, it was plausible, but I felt that the real message was, yeah – bisexuality is real and so are bisexuals.

Then the nitpicking started. I would read stuff with my jaw dropped at how… obtuse people were being and, to me, it was as if people were defining bisexuality in so many jaw-dropping ways to avoid seeing it for what it really is and, yeah. Humans. Guys I personally know and knew saying that just because they suck cock and engage in anal sex with men but preferring sex with women didn’t mean they were bisexual; they were some other word – like heteroflexible – that, once they gave their “definition” of it, sounded just like bisexual. And then gender got included and that one still has me getting that look on my face because I just do not understand what the one thing has to do with the other, but “everyone” has bought into this inclusion and, yeah. Okay. I do kinda get it and it’s all about how someone sees themselves more than about their sexuality and such as they say it is.

And… what the fucking fuck is going on? Even my protege has been… drinking the current Kool-Aid and talking about sex between different genders is okay and shouldn’t be a problem and I keep asking him, “What does gender have to do with this?” and… he can’t answer the question and I’ve asked others the same question and… I’m not going to get into how confusing the answers have been but I could see that, on the question of gender, it’s just how people see themselves and now “everyone” got to rejecting the binary nature of our existence and like it’s really something other than what it’s been since our species appeared on the planet. I don’t know what these folks have been smoking but I don’t want any of it.

Oh, my dear and fluffy lord. It’s not enough to just admit that you like men and women for love, sex, and relationships. Anything other than that is over-gilding the lily and making bisexuality a hell of a lot more confusing that it inherently is given that bisexuality does not conform to the tenets of being hetero- or homosexual and, yup “bisexual” doesn’t mean what it literally means. Then… enter invisibility, erasure, and straight privilege. More head scratching on my part because… all of this is pure and unadulterated bullshit and, get this: Straight folks are being blamed for this school of thought but if you really look at where this bullshit is coming from, um, it’s not straight folks putting it out there. Just saying. Ya don’t have to believe me but I figured it out because I grew up having to deal with homosexuals who did not like me all that much because I’m not really homosexual.

And decades before the LGBTQ+ community came into existence and then it was only LGB when it was born. Someone had commented on an earlier scribble about all this riffing going on and said that in every generation, this is seen to be something new, and I’ll be damned if he wasn’t right – and I was a bit pissed with myself for missing this and I shouldn’t have since, from the very beginning of my emergence as a bisexual, you betcha – this sex with guys things was new and exciting shit! I can accept that I missed this very important thing and, as such, it does explain some shit I get to see almost every day along with seeing how… inherently insane we are about it and paying more attention to every bad aspect of sex and sexuality and, well, it all makes me glad that I became bisexual way before all this stuff started happening.

I don’t worry about this and like so many seem to be doing… because I have more important things to worry about. I still find it amazingly curious seeing how people are responding to something I’ve known about for the longest time. It’s… perception. More subjective than objective. People being freaked out about it, not because it is what it’s always been but because they don’t understand it; really, who in their right mind is both straight and gay? And the continued belief that people are either straight or gay but I can remember a time where it was being said that homosexuals and homosexuality wasn’t real.

Hmm. The continued denial that being something other than straight is some fucked up shit even though the evidence has been right in our faces the whole time. And what that says about how we think and believe some stuff. I’ve learned more about how we behave than ever before and it makes me feel quite sad because we still don’t get it. Heterosexuality isn’t the only way to be – it’s just the way our morality prefers everyone to be and… everyone isn’t. Heterosexuals do ‘turn into” bisexuals and I’ll be damned if there aren’t people who go to bed straight… and wake up bi the next morning and something I once thought was impossible. Sure – today’s a good day to suck a dick or to eat a pussy and then have sex the way I’ve always been doing it… where the fuck did that come from?

I would, one day, find myself agreeing with something homosexuals had been saying for the longest time, that being, they were born this way and, yep, we all were right up until we got schooled with the tenets of morality. Homosexuals were saying that they had no choice in the matter and, well, I learned they were wrong about that because you cannot escape choice; you either choose to act on your thoughts and feelings or you choose not to… and then that choice is subject to change and I know this for a fact because I’ve personally changed the thoughts of a lot of men and quite a few women, too.

Yeah… it really ain’t as bad as everyone believes it to be and who knew that being intimate with both males and females could feel so goddamned good? That would be anyone who’s bisexual because we all found this out. It… fucked up our minds quite a bit and until we got un-fucked because the whole premise was simple: Ya like guys and gals. Not guys or gals. Okay. Watching people trying to get themselves un-fucked has been… interesting and disturbing most of the time. Should the sexuality labels exist? Do they really have any meaning?

Yes and yes and simply because it’s 100% human nature to call something… something. Like, we all know what that white on red octagonal sign is and means: It’s a stop sign and when you see it, you stop. Duh. Bisexual literally means two sexes or both, if you will since, um, there are only two sexes and this doesn’t include the “tricks” genetics can foist upon unsuspecting parents who have children. Oops. Pretty sad that there are a lot of people who don’t believe this and that, say, my being born male has nothing to do with bisexuality and it shouldn’t – it’s all about gender.

Bullshit. And then… enter the Hearts Not Parts gang. We should not be into someone because of their parts and the unspoken implication that if you’re just about the parts, you’re not being bisexual the right way… and what the fuck – again. It assumes and implies that no bisexual ever considers the person they want to be involved with. I know I do and there’s no getting away from having to do this and no matter how I want to be involved with someone. Duh. Heteronormative behavior is being imposed on bisexuality and I’m not sure if this is a good thing or not but one of the things I learned before all this current shit hit the fan is that everyone – straight, bi, or gay – goes about their lives in the same way when it comes to love, sex, relationships, and all of the above or as is needed.

Every last one of us. What’s the difference between myself and a dedicated gay man? I love the shit out of women and he may or may not but, then again, I know gay men who likes women like I do and gay women who don’t mind getting some intimate interactions with a dick. Because they can. It’s not something they’d do all of the time.

Hmm. And… I can’t be the only one who knows this and has seen how… insane we’re behaving or, really, continuing to behave where sex and sexuality is concerned. I keep telling and reminding myself that I could be wrong about what I’m seeing… and the jury keeps saying, “No, you’re not wrong…” because I know what I’m seeing and I’m seeing too much of it for it to be wrong, in that sense. You can’t make this up and even my imagination is incapable of making this up. Yes, those of us who are bisexual should celebrate being bisexual because it’s a celebration of self. I am bisexual. What else do I need to say about it? I’m seriously happy being bisexual because it doesn’t make sense to be unhappy about it.

I know the good and the bad of it… because I’ve experienced a lot of it (except that disease part, knock on lots of wood). In the negative riffing, there is truth to it… but it’s not the whole truth since it’s probably quite impossible that I’m the only bisexual who hasn’t experienced all the bad things I also get to see on a daily basis. And that’s on top of being public enemy number one because I have sex with men but, eh, you just get used to it… and, yes, there is such a thing as a Black, male bisexual.

Over this week of celebrating bisexuality, the one thing that remains clear is that there are a whole lot of bisexuals from every walk of life and all over the world and there isn’t a single moment of any day where someone is finding out that they’re bisexual and someone’s learning by doing. And I’m thinking it’s a good thing and, yes, I’m obviously biased in that direction. This is some real shit and if you didn’t know or believe it before, you might want to wake up and become a part of the reality we are trying to hard to fuck up.

You don’t have to be like me. It just helps a lot of us to not keep being bombarded with the bullshit so many people are flinging at us and over something they don’t want to understand because this ain’t the way it’s supposed to be. Yeah, I’m not in denial of anything… but a lot of other people are and, again, you can help us by not being one of those who are in denial about how we can really behave in our pursuit of love, sex, and relationships and not necessarily in that order.

You betcha – parts are nice. But this is more than just about the parts because the heart also wants what it wants and, well, not in the way it’s supposed to be, either. Just the way it is. Just the way it’s always been and always will be. And if you can accept this, thank you and I mean that. I’m just and still the bi guy who will say a lot of shit about this… because someone has to try to be real about it and say it.

 

Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: 18 September 22

I saw on the forum that the poll/post about preferring to suck dick or eat pussy is still very much alive and well and… reading what the guys have and are saying tends to amuse me because it’s another of those “choices” things that are of the either/or variety and one that I think tends to lock bisexuals into boxes that bisexuality tends to free one from.

It’s not sucking dick or eating pussy – it’s sucking dick and eating pussy. I see guys responding to this and it’s always about which thing they prefer to do over the other. I’m not surprised that a lot of guys have responded that, oh, yeah, for them, it’s sucking dick over eating pussy and even kinda saying, “Yeah, I like to eat pussy, but…” and I read this stuff, laugh, and wonder why guys do this and why a lot of bisexuals tend to think “or” instead of “and.”

Stuff like this is too much like that silly notion that people are either straight or they’re gay. It’s an absolute or, as I often like to say, thinking like a Sith straight out of Star Wars. I know that I can have sex with a man or a woman and it’s all about availability and all that but at the high level of things, I can and do have sex with men and women. It’s sucking dick and eating pussy. One isn’t all that preferred over the other because there’s no reason to. I love doing both even though I also know that there are up and down sides to giving someone head and, well, that’s just how it goes in these things.

How many times have I been hit with one of these choice kind of questions… and the person asking them gets stuck on stupid when I say, “Both!” Or my favorite response of, “Yes!” It’s both. It’s not preferring one over the other but preferring both. Bisexuals often talk about this being two-sided and, yeah, it is, but they do it in terms of having a straight side and a gay one which gives them the impression that being bisexual is living two different lives instead of living just one life that includes wanting and being able to have sex in the “gay mode” of things. We tend to see this as two different things… and it is… but not really because at the root of this is… it’s sex.

I’ve often thoughts that because bisexuals break that “straight or gay” nonsense – and because we are both but, importantly, not exclusively one or the other – getting into stuff like do you prefer to suck cock or do you prefer to eat pussy is… silly since, um, sexually active bisexuals tend to do both and that’s because they prefer to give head. Period. Questions like this are… nitpicky. Tends to try to shove one back into the social “mindset” that you’re either straight or you’re gay and then those annoying question of preferring to be one way over the other and… being nitpicky and, I think, just losing sight of the big picture.

My answer to this was, “Yes!” And, as expected, someone asked me why I responded like that instead of stating my preference and my answer was, “Because I prefer to suck dick and eat pussy.” There is no “or” in the way I think and feel about this. Not sure why this is so hard for some people to understand but, okay, I do know why and it goes back to either being straight or being gay. One or the other… but not both because who does that?

Oh, yeah – bisexuals do. Well, which do you prefer more? Men or women? Dick or pussy? Sucking or eating. Giving or receiving? Top or bottom? It says something about how humans think and, yeah, not all that different from how computers “think;” a bit is either on or it’s off. Yes or no, true or false but also if, then, and else and, yeah, it’s interesting and more so when you consider that we program computers or try to and in the same way we think. Makes sense. But you can easily send a computer into a looping mode when it’s presented with an argument or statement that creates a conflict; it’s not on but it’s not off; it’s yes and no and getting to if, then, and else, well, that’s not going to happen until a programmer goes in, finds the erroneous piece of the code that caused the loop and fixes it.

But humans are… hard to fix in this sense and it’s why bisexuality tends to fuck with people because it’s something that our social programming takes into consideration and… it can’t be both or it’s on and off; it’s yes and no. What the fuck? Pick a side and stay on it! And, yup, prefer one thing/aspect over the other. It’s not men or women; it’s both. It boggles the minds of many. It should be one or the other, but it isn’t. Okay. I know guys who wouldn’t eat pussy if you paid them to, but they do suck dick. I know guys who won’t suck dick but will eat pussy. That’s preference but not one that applies to all bisexuals. We still get stuck in this either/or loop when we ask if we like eating pussy more than we like sucking dick and… not being able to see that, sure, eating pussy is da shit… but so is sucking dick.

Bisexuality defies everything we know about sex and sexuality. But we still think in absolutes and, again, I’ve baffled a lot of people because I don’t prefer one or the other; I prefer both and in no particular order. It all depends on… availability. Whomever I can convince to let me give them head first. Being in that “perfect moment” where I can suck dick and eat pussy and like I’m at a buffet because I prefer to do both. It’s not two different things but just one thing: Oral sex. Giving head. Any other consideration is being… nitpicky. And then being of a mind that one thing has to be preferred over the other; you’re either going to have sex like you’re a straight dude and prefer to only eat pussy or you’re gonna have sex like a gay dude and prefer to only suck dick. Preferring both and not being… wishy-washy about it is, well, who does that?

Oh. That would be me and not just because I’m orally fixated but the logic says that it doesn’t make sense to prefer one over the other when both are so much damned fun to do. I like both. I do both. Eat pussy and suck cock. Kinda makes me the weirdo because I will not and cannot say that I prefer eating pussy over sucking cock… because it’s not the truth for me. And I would learn that the secret to keeping this simple is to not think of this as being two different things because it’s all one thing: It’s having sex. Realizing that, anatomical differences aside, I can do to a man the same thing I can do to a woman: Give them head. Lick it. Suck it. Make them – and myself – feel really damned good.

Good and bad things about both aspects. Occupational hazards and you learn to deal with and adjust to them. I’m sitting here and really trying to think why I would prefer one over the other and it’s not working. I know what I like and don’t like about doing either thing but that doesn’t create a preference for one over the other since, um, it can be fun and not so much and that depends on some… stuff that I may or may not encounter or experience it in the exact same way every time. I do remember the first time someone asked me this specific question and… I got stuck on stupid because I knew, right down to the core of what I am, that I preferred… both. Whichever one I could get my mouth on first and not caring about it.

Doesn’t much matter to me as long as I get to give someone head. I do believe that my oral fixation “erases” the “or” in this question and I’m good with that and, logically and even emotionally, there’s no need for the “or” to be in the equation. Eat that pussy right off her body and do the same thing to his dick. Ravish them. “Abuse” them in that delightful way that, hopefully, will make them cum, orgasm, squirt, or whatever happens when they get shoved over the edge.

And me right along with them. It’s so exciting to do both. I have orgasmed doing both and, yeah, I have busted a nut doing both and without anyone’s “assistance.” Embarrassing the first time that happened but, uh, isn’t eating pussy/sucking dick supposed to be very exciting and pleasing to me as well? The logic said, “Yup…” and my emotions agreed. Eat it. Suck it. Both are good and… I prefer to do both. The logic suggests that I can, in fact and in deed, eat dick and suck pussy… because, um, yeah, that’s what I’m doing.

The oral fixation says, “It’s all good and there’s no need to prefer one over the other.” It’s not so much about what I “feel” like doing but what I can do. I can be sucking dick and thinking about eating pussy and in the reverse. Shit yeah. Gimme, gimme. Let me do it to you like this. That annoying question: If you had to choose between eating pussy or eating dick, which one would you prefer to do and/or which would you do first?

What kind of question is that… and why are you trying to make me choose one over the other? Oh, that would be because our social norms insists that we choose one over the other and, preferably, straight sex over gay sex and then totally overlooking the fact that it’s all… sex. Do I prefer to top or bottom? Yes. What do you mean I have to pick just one when I know that I enjoy both roles? Okay. To the question of cut or uncut, yeah, I had a problem with uncut and it was irrational, and I knew it. I got over it (all late and wrong) so, yeah. Both. And then understanding and remembering that women are all uncut. Well, shit. How can I be weird about sucking a guy who isn’t cut when I habitually eat pussy and knowing that women have… foreskin covering the head of their clit?

But this was part of me eliminating both preferences and that annoying “or” that we just perpetuate because we think it’s two different things and we must choose or prefer one over the other. Where’s the fun in that? And, intelligently, does this make any real sense? To me, it doesn’t make sense because sucking dick/eating pussy isn’t a “take it or leave it” thing for me. The only legitimate “or” is I’m either going to go down on you or I’m not going to and if I don’t, there’s a good reason for it and that includes running into someone who doesn’t like getting head.

And at least in my most humble opinion, the only “or” involved is either you give head both ways or you don’t or at all. I understand preferences and how nitpicky we can get about them and all across the spectrum of having sex. But it begins with preferring to have sex. Cityman and I get into this a lot and, well, he cracks me up at times because he perceives this just like most bi guys do. He prefers to eat pussy over sucking dick, and this makes sense to him because it’s always about what he prefers to do and with whom – male or female – but just now getting to the point where he’s understanding that it’s really both that is preferred because he does like and enjoy giving head and, yeah, he really cracks me up when he talks about how much he now loves sucking dick and sucking the guy off. But he still thinks in terms of it being men or women and, well, he’s a smart guy – he’ll figure it out and see the sense of eliminating that “or” out of the way he thinks about sex and giving head.

Some people figure this out and see how “or” doesn’t make a lot of sense. Most people are stuck in place because “or” makes them choose between one or the other and preferring one over the other. My protege gets to talking about preferences and I still think he’s… baffled that I don’t have any because I’ve seen the fallacy in having them and sticking to them and making them not subject to change. I prefer to give head. Doesn’t matter if I’m going down on a woman or a man. I prefer both. I love both. Nothing else really makes sense, well, it doesn’t make sense to me.

I read the latest responses to the poll/topic and the fellas are all into that which they prefer over the other and getting all nitpicky about why they prefer one over the other and a lot of other stuff that, I think, doesn’t allow them to be more focused on the big picture which, in this, is eating pussy and sucking dick. True enough, not all men eat pussy and don’t even think about asking them to suck a dick… because it’s not what they prefer to do. A lot of focus on what one’s likes to do and not so much on what can be done provided one can get out of the box they’ve stuck themselves in.

I’d never say that no one should have preferences. I do ask, “Why do you let your preferences limit the sexual fun you could be having?” and… how dare I questions someone’s right to want what they want and in the exact way they want it. Hmm. I’ve been seeing this all of my life and, as such, I’ve always pondered this and seeing how that “being straight or gay” thing plays into this “or” mindset that a lot of bisexuals seem to be ensconced in.

I find it… curious. Even being bisexual, we’re into that “picking a side” thing that people keep telling us we have to do and what bisexuality just destroys. It’s… curious. You can point this out to someone and, yup, it’s “Yeah, but…” time. What is preferred. Choosing one over the other and it is implied that you either like eating pussy more or you like sucking dick more and saying that you unconditionally like doing both is like, dude – what’s wrong with you?

Sighing. Yeah, I know what the deal is. It all serves to teach me some stuff about how other bisexuals think and why they do stuff like asking if you prefer to eat pussy or suck dick when the question should be do you prefer to eat pussy and dick and as opposed to not liking to do either thing. People make bisexuality interesting. You can eat pussy but not suck dick. You can suck dick but not eat pussy. Not a problem and, yes, preference. But if you do both – and a lot of us do – is there really a need to prefer one over the other? Apparently, there is and to me, it speaks to how we think about this aspect of having sex.

See ya tomorrow.