Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: “That’s Gotta Hurt a Little, Huh?”

As I sat astride him, I was sweating so much that it felt like being under a waterfall of sorts; I was hot and sticky with sweat trickling into my eyes. I ignored these things and just as I was ignoring the rather obscene, squishy sounds coming from beneath me as I moved myself all over his dick… and I couldn’t ignore that so much. He was huge – not just long but thick, too, with a cock knob so big that when I was sucking him, I had a bit of a problem getting it in my mouth… but that monstrosity got sucked.

Not five minutes ago, he had been where I was now and as he moved and gyrated, I was kind of in thrall watching his massive erection bobbing all over the place and, admittedly, just a bit envious. Not because he had a big dick; I hadn’t cared about dick size one bit. No: My envy was over the fact that he was hard to begin with, something that I’d never been able to do when someone was screwing me. I had shot my load into him and it seemed to delight him as he smiled broadly and… giggled while urging me to give it all to him.

He got off of me, grabbed the bottle of lubricant – and a lube that I wasn’t “happy” with. I’d tested its slickness and found it to be too thin for my liking and as I struggled to keep my eyes open to see him applying huge globs of it to his dick, I knew his impending entry into me was going to be a lot more not-easy than his size and girth was already predicting. He handed me the bottle and I used a lot of it to get myself as lubricated as possible; the scientist in me had already determined that given its lack of slickness, once he got inside me, it would wear away quickly. My thoughts, as I straddled him – and because he had said, “I want you on top…” was that this was going to be interesting to deal with his “monster meat” as well as the scorching friction I knew would show up at some point.

Truth was I wasn’t quite ready; my body hadn’t fully come down and “reset” after my release but this wasn’t just a matter of honor; I wanted him in me and, in part, “tired” of listening to him talk about how big his dick was and all that other stuff that, again, meant absolutely nothing to me. I positioned myself above him; I could see the anticipatory look in his eyes as I rubbed that huge knob against my hole before taking a long, deep breath and relaxing… and sat right down on him without a moment of hesitation. I felt his knob shove my muscles aside like they weren’t even there; I imagined a ripping sound as his head passed into me and I know I winced a little but kept going anyway until I got all of his dick in me that was going in me.

“Damn…” he had said as I took more deep breathes and willed my body to relax even more. He’d seen what I’d done and I guess that his exclamation was due to him not having someone do that often if at all. I began to move; the discomfort of his entry was almost forgotten; nothing mattered at this point other than his cock sliding in and out of me and getting to the moment when he’d cum in me. I “hated” to admit to how much I wanted to feel him do this… but I also remembered how I had been feeling before I’d met him: I needed to get screwed and nothing was going to make that need go away other than what was happening right now.

It was strangely quiet with little of the “usual verbalizations” one could expect. We were both breathing heavily, the bed was making noises due to our movements; that squishy sound was less noticeable – as predicted, the slipperiness didn’t hold up all that well and the friction being generated wasn’t totally unpleasant as it was doing a number on my prostate and sending orgasmic shivers through me as well as that feeling that I either had to pee… or I had to cum: I was never sure which was which. Despite all of that, I was still moving atop him and as a lot of women had inadvertently taught me every time they’d ridden me; his groans and increasing thrusts told me that he was enjoying being inside me and as much as I was enjoying him being there.

They say all good things must end… and this wasn’t any different. He was thrusting into me so hard and fast that it was to my benefit to stop moving. I was getting more and more uncomfortable; the friction he was creating in me could be felt a lot more and making me even more uncomfortable… but there was nothing to be done about it and only one thing could act as a salve. I felt his dick swell a mere moment before he gasped, started cussing – why do guys do that? – and then his dick was pulsing very strongly inside of me. I couldn’t feel his cum shooting into me but those pulses were telling me everything I needed to know. A crazy-assed thought flashed through my mind – well, two of them did. The first was a memory from my past of being screwed and the guy was cumming inside and had me thinking that he was trying to get me pregnant… and the next thought was that if I was a girl – and given how much his dick was still pumping strongly – he would probably well and truly knock me up.

Then, stillness. No other sounds than his heavy breathing that covered up my sigh of satisfaction and relief or, really, momentary relief because due to his length and thickness – and his gradual softening didn’t make him any less girthy – now I had to get him out of me and, um, kinda aiding that in that certain way wasn’t going to help much in this situation. I slowly eased myself off of him; I don’t know if he even noticed the look of concentration on my face. I could have just gotten off of him but experience had taught me about muscular rebounding and how some muscles act just like rubber bands and when they suddenly stop being stretched, they snap back to the way they were so, no – just hopping off wasn’t something I wanted to do because that “snapback” not only didn’t feel good, it had a tendancy to make me want to throw up. It took me a good minute to ease him out of me; he sighed and so did I but probably not for the same reasons. I flopped down next to him; between my earlier release and my efforts atop him, I was quite tired and, importantly, the need to be screwed and creamed had been sated.

For now. We lay side by side grinning at each other and telling each other how good everything was when he suddenly asked, “That’s gotta hurt a little, huh?”

Yeah, it did but that’s just part and parcel of things. I recall overhearing – and having others “testify” that being fucked in the ass hurts like a motherfucker and such a thing should be avoided at all times and at all costs. What I had learned, silly me, that it can hurt like that motherfucker going in but the more you relax – and the more slipperiness being involved – at some point the pain and other discomfort will fade into the background… as long as the guy isn’t trying to pound the crap out of you.

To his question, I just shrugged because it is what it is and I’d long since understood that in this, there is no pleasure without a modicum of discomfort… or a lot of it and depending. I did say, “That’s to be expected…” and since I was looking at him, I saw him nod in agreement and understanding. My mind flashed back to the moment I had entered him and while I wasn’t as long or as thick as he was, yeah, he felt me just the same.

“It just hurts so good,” he had said as he idly toyed with my nipple that was closest to him.

“Yeah, it does,” I agreed. My body involuntarily shuddered as it remembered what it felt like having him making contact with my prostate and what I’d been doing to… maximize that contact. It’s a weird feeling that feels good but not all that much; it’s always made me think that the male prostate is insane in that it likes being “touched” and doesn’t.

“You were doing a number on my prostate,” he said and as if he somehow knew what I was thinking about.

“Like you weren’t doing a number on mine?” I asked and he actually had the “nerve” to look sheepish and, perhaps, a bit embarrassed. I wasn’t sure… and I didn’t care all that much; I just wanted to come down off that orgasmic high I most certainly experienced… and to do a bit of cleaning since, um, I was, let’s say, leaky. We got up and made our way to the bathroom to take care of what was made necessary; I didn’t know about him but I was now a bit sore and my insides – and thanks to his probably cheap lube – felt like I had a bit of rug burn. It crossed my mind for a moment as we washed up that given his length and girth and how… vigorously I rode him, I was going to be “walking funny” until things settled down… and that, too, was to be expected just as not being able to sit comfortably for a few was.

“You know, I would have been happy if all we did was suck each other off,” he had said. “But, I knew I wanted you to fuck me – ain’t that weird?”

“Not really because I was thinking the same thing,” I said; I wasn’t about to tell him that I had been jonesing to get the high hard one for a few days and if we hadn’t agreed to screw each other, when we’d met, I was already hatching a plan to get him inside me and scratch that itch… and it was pure chance that he was very well equipped to scratch that itch really good.

“The first time I did this? I didn’t think I was going to like it,” he said. “Did you know that you would?”

“No – I had no idea about it at all until the guy who did me tried to stick it in me. He couldn’t and what little he did get in me did hurt… then it felt good and then he shot his load all over my hole and that felt even better,” I said, my mind racing back to that “fateful” day. “After that, it just made sense… if that makes sense. Just like sucking dick, it felt… deliciously wicked and nasty to do something we weren’t supposed to be doing.”

“I know that’s right,” he agreed. “Do you it every time you’re with a guy?”

“Not anymore,” I admitted. “When I was younger, getting fucked was a given; if a guy wanted to fuck you, there was no question about him being fucked. At some point, though, doing it as a matter of course stopped being the fun it once was so nowadays, I only do it when, well, when I feel the need to or, in your case, with someone I feel comfortable enough with.”

“Yeah, me, too,” he said as he nodded. “I found out that because my dick was so big and fat, a lot of girls would run away from me but the fellas? They liked that I was big and fat and, yeah, I felt that if I fucked them, it was only right that they fucked me, that and, um, I liked being fucked.”

“You said it right,” I said. “Besides – if guys wanna fuck each other, there’s only one place other than their mouths, right?”

“Yep!” he said with a laugh but quickly sobered up and said, “I used to feel bad to think that I’ve probably been fucked more than most women I know have.”

“I’ve felt like that myself,” I admitted. “And it’s probably true, to an extent. I just had to learn not to be embarrassed or feel weird about it. It feels good and that’s all that matters.”

“Guys are too scared because they think it’ll make them gay or some shit like that,” he said; I could pick up a hint of frustration in his voice and one that I, too, knew all too well.

“Most people are,” I said. “You’re either into it or you aren’t and there’s reason for both.”

We both got quiet after that and returned to his bedroom to start looking for our clothes that got discarded in a hurry not all that long ago. I was still looking for one of my socks when he asked, “Do you have time for us to, uh, suck each other off, you know, one for the road?”

I probably didn’t but since I had so much fun sucking him earlier, I thought it would be a great idea to do it again and this time be able to feel and taste his cum and I thought it would be “wicked” and “nasty” to suck the dick that, not all that long ago, had been buried in my ass and more so now that it was nice and clean again.

After we blew each other’s brains out, it was time to go. We both agreed that we should get together again to do this but I also had a sense that we were both just being polite and that chances were good that our first time together would be our last. Not that it hadn’t been fun having sex with him but, yeah, sometimes, that’s just the way it goes. If nothing else, I would always have the memory of what it was like to have him inside of me and so deep that I really could feel it in my stomach and I was definitely going to remember feeling his dick pumping like mad and filing me up with his cum as well as the havoc his length and girth wreaked on my prostate.

My butt was sore and I squirmed on the seat of my car trying to get comfortable… and it was worth it.

 

Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: “What Do You Get Out of Doing This?”

I had a guy ask me this after what I’d call a “marathon cock sucking session” that had him suck me off once… and I’d blown him three times and was trying to get him up a fourth time so I could make sure I’d drained him dry. Turns out the third time did him in for the duration and he was more than a good sport about letting me continue to indulge myself because I’d long since discovered that a dick doesn’t have to be rock hard to enjoy sucking on it.

“You’re a dick-sucking freak!” he said. “I know you said you liked doing this but I had no idea you liked it that much!”

“Hey, it’s not your fault that your dick is a pleasure to suck,” I said with a laugh. “I don’t run into many guys who’s dick feels and tastes so good that I don’t wanna stop sucking!”

“Something I don’t understand, though,” he said.

“What’s that?”

“What do you get out of doing this?” he asked.

His question locked up my brain for a moment, first trying to remember if anyone had every asked me this question and then trying to figure out how to answer him. It wasn’t that I didn’t know the answer; I just wanted to get it out of my head without sounding like an idiot… which was known to happen.

“Every since I sucked dick for the first time, I was hooked on it,” I began. “The head of his dick in my mouth felt weird but good and all soft spongy and it was… exciting because, as you probably heard, boys weren’t supposed to be doing this and all that.”

“Yeah, I know,” he said, rolling his eyes and laughing.

“The rest of him was even more curious; his dick was very hard but soft and smooth at the same time,” I continued. “I was trying to hold it in my hand and it was hard, soft, and hot and it just felt weird and wonderful… and more wonderful than weird. When he came in my mouth, hah, I had no idea that could happen so there was no way I was expecting it; one moment, I’m licking and sucking his dick – he’s moaning and cussing and all that stuff that was making it hard for me not to start laughing. The next thing I know, he groans really loud and then I felt something warm, kinda thick, and both salty and sweet in my mouth and there was so much of it that I did the only thing I could think of – I started swallowing it.”

“Why didn’t you spit it out?” he asked.

“To me, I had a split-second to decide about that. I remember thinking, ‘What’s this?’ and maybe I should spit it out but by the time that crossed my mind, there was a whole lot of it in my mouth and, well, I started swallowing; I say that I swallowed out of self-defense because it was either swallow it or choke on it.”

“That makes sense,” he said with a nod. “You were hooked, right?”

“Yeah… and so much that I couldn’t wait for another chance to do it again,” I said, shaking my head – and he noticed that.

“You’re shaking your head like you regret it,” he said.

“No, that’s not it; this is me being embarrassed about how I went crazy sucking dicks,” I said. “I couldn’t wait to go outside the next day so I could tell all of my male friends what happened and to, um, demonstrate it for them and, as it turned out, I wasn’t the only one who found out about this. Later on, I found it amazing that those of us who were now up to our eyeballs in this seemed to know about it at almost the same time. What was “funny” was that it wasn’t until I busted my first nut – with a girl – a few days later that I found out that the stuff that was oozing out of her was the same stuff the guy had shot in my mouth – the baby-making stuff adults were telling us not to let girls get anywhere near because if they did, they’d get in trouble.”

“Trouble as in getting pregnant?” he asked.

“Yeah – that’s what we called it back then,” I said. “Before the end of the year arrived, all of us who were deep into this was busting nuts and we were having a field day doing it in each other’s mouths and butts and every chance we got, whether it was one-on-one or there was a bunch of us hanging out. After that first time, I had asked myself how could something so bad feel so good and it didn’t take me long to figure out that it’s supposed to feel good… because it always felt good to suck a friend’s dick and swallow his stuff.”

“Damn – I wish I had grown up when and where you did!” he exclaimed.

“You would have had just as much fun as we did,” I said. “It was naughty but way too much fun not to keep on doing. We all knew what could happen if we ever got caught doing it and while that stopped a lot of guys from joining in, the fact that it was so “dangerous” and “nasty” was, by itself, good reason to not stop.”

“Did you ever get caught?” he asked.

“I did, once, but I’ll tell you that some other time,” I said. “Some of my friends did get caught and it didn’t go well for them, to be nice about it. There were a lot of times when I’d be spending the night with a guy and we’re going for it, well, like it was illegal – and it was – then a parent would bust into the room… but not before we heard a noise and stopped. Whoever barged in would say something like stop all that damned noise and go to sleep or else and they’d go back to whatever they were doing… and we’d wait a couple of minutes and go right back to what we were doing and thinking that, yeah, they had no idea what we were doing!”

“I’ll bet they did,” he said.

“That’s what I eventually figured out,” I said. “They knew but since they didn’t catch us doing it, the worst I’d heard say was, ‘You boys better not be doing anything you ain’t supposed to be doing!’ and that told me that, yeah, they knew exactly what we were doing.”

“While a lot of us stepped away from this in favor of fucking girls, not all of us did and I sure as hell didn’t,” I said with a slight shrug. “It felt too good to suck a boy’s dick or to have him screwing me or the other way around, of course. What I didn’t know until I got very much older that sucking dick had me orally fixated, you know, like how good it feels to suck your thumb?”

“I used to suck my thumb until my parents made me stop,” he said, nodding in understanding.

“Mine made me stop, too, but, um, I substituted my thumb with sucking dicks,” I said. “What I get out of it is a great deal of pleasure and that’s the easiest way I can explain it.”

“You don’t do it to make the other guy happy?” he asked.

“To be honest, I didn’t care if it made the other guy happy or not and it took me a while to wrap my head around that,” I said. “Sure, a lot of guys I’d suck made it seem like that was all about them but, I dunno, I just never saw it that way so much. Sure, I wanted it to feel good to them so they could cum but, again, it took me a while to realize that that wasn’t the “main reason” for sucking dick, well, not for me. It didn’t take me too long to figure out that if I’m happy sucking their dick, that’s gonna make them happy, so…”

“That’s an interesting way to look at it,” he said to which the only thing I could do was shrug.

“Well, I knew that guys – most guys, anyway – liked having their dick sucked so if that was happening, they were already happy; the only thing left was whether or not they were gonna cum. I think or, really, I know that I was a popular cock sucker because I always swallowed their cum; sometimes it tasted really good and sometimes pretty bad and when it was, I’d just spit it out. It made some guys mad but I’d just tell them that their stuff just didn’t taste good and they should be glad that I sucked them off at all. But most guys were too busy feeling good about busting a nut to know or care if I swallowed it or not.”

“It became a bit of an ego trip,” I went on to say. “With my mouth, I could make “tough guys” beg and squeal like they weren’t all that tough; they’d tell me that they didn’t want to cum yet and I’d make them do it anyway or, sometimes, they’re yelling that they gotta cum… and I don’t let them. To me, sucking dick was also… power. Some guys would be like, “Yeah, suck my dick!” and be all arrogant and like they were in charge of what was happening… and I was very happy to show them that them being in charge was an illusion and make them “pay” for their arrogance; it felt good to see them go from being cocky and full of themselves to lying there gasping like a fish out of water and trying to get away from me.”

“Like I was trying to do,” he said. “I kept asking myself if you were ever gonna stop or was I gonna have to ask you to stop!”

“You could have and I would have stopped but since you didn’t…” I let the sentence go unfinished but made sure he could see me pointedly staring at his crotch and his very tasty dick. He saw where I was looking and shivered and I pointed that out to him and just said, “That right there is one of the things I get out of sucking dick; seeing a guy get to feeling some kind of way to think – or worry – that I’m going to suck them again.”

“I see your point,” he said. “But there’s no way you made every guy you sucked happy, right?”

“And I’d never say that I always did,” I said. “I used to feel pretty shitty not to make a guy happy but I got over it.”

“Wait – how do you get over something like that?” he asked.

“By telling the guy that even if he didn’t like what I’d done, I had fun doing it and, to me, that’s all that really mattered. I’m sorry you didn’t like it all that much and I mean that but, you know, if you want to, I can try to make you happier,” I said. “Some guys would give me a second chance, some wouldn’t and that was fine because if nothing else, I got to do what I wanted to do.”

“I never looked at it like that,” he said.

“Most cock suckers wouldn’t,” I said. “I’m… special? Different? I don’t think about this like other guys do and I long since gave up trying to figure out why I don’t. I love to suck dick; I can and have done this all day and even several times a day when I could and can. Guys don’t always make it “easy” to blow them and I’ve had some bad cock sucking experiences but not so bad to make me dislike it or to give it up. It’s just too much fun and gives me a great deal of pleasure and not all that different from eating pussy. which is my all-time favorite thing to do.”

“You’re not all that ashamed of it, are you?” he asked.

“Why should I be?” I asked in return. “Why should I feel ashamed or guilty for doing something I not only love doing but wanted to do in the first place? That’s never made sense to me.”

“I see your point. Um, have you ever got mad behind someone calling you a cock sucker?” he asked.

“Oh, hell, yeah – I’d get fighting mad and pretty quick… until I realized that, duh, I am a cock sucker,” I said and shrugged. “I had to sit and think about that one; did it make sense for me to get pissed for being called something that I damned well knew I was? Nope, it sure didn’t. Having said that, if you called me a faggot, one of two things might happen.”

“And they are?” he prompted.

“I’m either going to ignore you… or punch you dead in the face,” I said. “I’m a lot of things but faggot ain’t one of them. People are stupid; they think that guys who suck dick are always gay and believe me: I love pussy too much to ever want to be gay and before you ask – and I know you’re going to – I don’t much care whether I’m getting pussy or dick and if I can have both at the same time, so much the better… for me, anyway.”

“How’d you know I was gonna ask you that?” he asked.

“Because everyone does,” I said. “I know what most people are gonna think about this; if I’m sucking dick, I must be gay and they get pretty baffled to find out that, nope, not even gay… but I like dick. Not as much as I like pussy but, yeah, dick works, too.”

“Doesn’t bother you to admit it, does it?” he asked.

“Again, why should it? Even if someone else can’t accept the truth of what I’m saying, I know it’s true so why should it bother me? Also again, it used to bother me but I saw that there was no point in letting some else’s… ignorance bother me and if they don’t like it, all they can do is not like it. I’ve lost a lot of friends behind this but it is what it is.”

“Every get into fights about it?” he asked.

“A few and that’s kinda funny,” I said. “Some guys just assume that I’m gay and all girly and that they can just kick my ass… until they find out that I can fight and that I can not only street fight but I know judo and karate… and I know how to hurt people really bad. I’ve broken noses, a few arms, dislocated knees and delivered other kinds of damage because, well, I’m not gonna just stand there and let you beat on me – that’s just fucking insane. I might get hurt… but I won’t be the only one. You put that kind of hurt on some folks and word gets around that picking a fight with me because I like to suck dick isn’t going to be in your best interest… and even if you brought friends to back you up.”

“Holy shit,” he muttered to himself. “Remind me to never make you mad, okay?”

“If you don’t start nothing, there won’t be nothing,” I said. “But if you start it, I’m gonna do my best to finish it and by any means necessary.”

The conversation dropped off at this point; it’s an aspect of things that I really don’t like and if the mood between us was starting to wake up again, to keep talking about this wasn’t going to help that at all so I was very glad when he changed the subject by asking me if I wanted to go get something to eat.

“You mean something other than you?” I asked, waggling my eyebrows at him.

“I don’t think I could get it up even if that was the case,” he said with a laugh.

Turns out that he could get it up again after all. It was late in the day before we had had enough of each other and I headed on home and I was insufferably pleased with myself when he told me that I’d given him the best head he’d ever had from anyone. I never let that go to my head but, yeah, it does make me feel pretty good to hear it. As I drove, I was smiling to myself for a few minutes before I kinda settled down because I knew when I got home, there was going to be two women there waiting for me to make love to them and my long day was going to get even longer…

And that, too, made me smile…

 

Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: What’s Left?

Three things: Be you. Do you. Be the best bisexual you can be.

More things: If you can’t have the sex, don’t make yourself insane over it; know that there are a lot of bisexuals who either can’t do the deed or just don’t want or need to; many are somewhat… content to have this very expanded view of things that encompasses more than having sex.

If you decide to take the plunge and spend some time in the pool, do it smartly and safely… and by all means, have fun. If you lean more towards the emotional and relational aspects, know that you just might have to do a lot of work to find that “special someone” you can engage with like this and don’t be dismayed: They’re out there and just might be closer than you realize.

I don’t sugar-coat this part: If you’re bisexual and in a relationship already, you’re in the worst imaginable situation and there aren’t many options – or much in the way of recourse – that’s going to make being in this situation any better. The “choices” are do nothing, beg for forgiveness, or ask for permission. If you’re of a mind that the last one is impossible, it isn’t but it’s not easy to obtain and there are a lot of couple who have found that a partner’s bisexuality is and can be that spark that rekindles the flames of their love.

Be aware of all the anti-bisexual stuff going around and know that a lot of it is coming from people who don’t have a clue about what bisexuality is or what it can be like; they’re stuck in a BC mindset and, really, if you wanted someone preaching fire and brimstone at you, you can always go to church. Be aware of it… and don’t let the naysayers influence you with their negativity and other scare tactics and, most definitely, keep your own counsel about it. Know that since all this fussing started running off the rails, it’s not done a thing to stop anyone from being bisexual and if nothing else, there are more people embracing bisexuality than ever before.

I will contradict those who insist that all bisexuals have to come out by saying that if you don’t want “everyone” all up in your business, you do not have to allow it and, at best, this thing about you is on a need to know basis… and some people just do not need to know. If someone calls you out for being a deceptive liar about your sexuality, just remind them that your private business is your private business… so be about minding your own damned business and stay out of mine, thank you very much.

If joining and participating in things LGBTQ+ is your thing, by all mean – join and participate and in any other bi-positive groups you can find. There’s not only safety in numbers but there’s also strength in numbers and, yes, it’s much better to be around others who are more like you than to be around those who aren’t.

Getting hit with the disease card. You will, invariably, hear all about this and in some very scary ways. Some of it is actually true but know that sexually transmitted diseases have been with humans since humans started having sex. Know that you’re going to hear a lot of people spitting out statistics from a lot of sources including the CDC and I’d not take what they’re saying as gospel – go to the CDC and NIH websites and view the information yourself and if you have questions, ask them and not anyone who is less informed about the big picture here. If you’re active in this, get tested! A lot of people don’t because their afraid to let their doctor know that they’re bisexual and have been having sex and as if their doctor is going to blab it to the whole world. What you say to your doctor is not only legally protected but morally binding due to the oath they take and, besides: Malpractice insurance costs them a seriously stupid amount of money and they’re not of a mind to have to use it – ever – and violating the privacy laws is a federal offense.

Whatever you have to do to protect yourself, do it. If you’re like a lot of bisexuals and think that having a FWB is the safest option, you’re right… and not so much because unless you’re privy to every aspect of their lives, you don’t know what they’re doing when they’re not with you. Doesn’t mean you can’t trust or believe them but don’t let this lull you into a false sense of being safe. Trust, but verify.

If you have a problem with casual sex, well, let me ask you this: How do you think a lot of people have sex? It’s not all relationship sex and as things are supposed to be. All this fussing about bisexuality has ramped up our inherent fear of the other and there are many who are going to tell you that if you have sex with someone you don’t know a whole lot about, you’re putting yourself and everyone around you in grave danger. The fact is that sex has always been a risky business and to the point where if you got laid last night, you not only put yourself at risk but assumed the responsibility for taking that risk even if it’s the person you’ve been having sex with all along. The anti-bisexual, disease card carrying naysayers aren’t of a mind to tell you this… but I will.

This is the part where you do a couple of common sense things. First, if they don’t have time to talk to you and address your concerns, they don’t have time to get into your underwear and this has to be non-negotiable. Next, trust your instincts; if they tell you to not do it, just don’t. This isn’t what you think so much and to once more swipe a quote from “Star Wars,” “Your eyes will deceive you – don’t trust them.” Know that your instincts aren’t going to “get it right” every time but many have found that they usually do; your first instinctive thought is usually the right one. In this, always let your intelligence make the final decision rather than to let whatever fears you may be in possession of do the thinking for you. Many have told me that their instincts have told them that, yeah, go for it with them… but the fear that’s been implanted in their mind will take charge and… nothing happens when you can almost literally “feel it in the air” that something should happen. In any of this, think first, then act if you must… or if you can.

The risks are very real but they can be mitigated and prevented but, again, the anti-bisexual crowd won’t bother to point this out to you; their whole mission is to stop you from doing something that they don’t believe in and, no, they don’t play fair and will use fear as a weapon to beat you into doing things the way they think you should be doing them. To this end, consider this: A life lived in fear is a life not worth living.

I’m not telling you this to convince anyone to embrace bisexuality; not everyone can and no matter how much they’ve tried to. Bisexuality operates under a different set of “rules” than being straight or gay and it’s not a one-size-fits-all kind of thing nor is it a 50/50 proposition and as some are suggesting it should be and, hell, no: If being in a same-sex relationship isn’t on your list of things to do as a bisexual, it will never invalidate your bisexuality. Neither does not doing “what everyone else” does. Everyone has their own idea of what this is and what it’s supposed to look and be like but that’s for you to decide and to define and, yes, to own lot, stock, and barrel.

The best “advice” I can give anyone about this is to not make it any more difficult and complicated than it already is. Seek to simplify things rather than to do what a lot of bisexuals tend to do, that being, setting the bar so high that it’s becomes impossible to do something and provided one does want to do something. Keep it simple. I know bisexuals who have more rules that you can shake a stick at and they’re almost always sitting around and wondering why they can’t do what they want to do. I have three. I’ll admit that the last of my three rules – don’t be my idea of an asshole or cunt – is one that a lot of people can’t get past but, um, a whole lot of men and women have passed it with flying colors. In these things, it’s okay to “what if” things but it’s not okay to assume that those “what if” things are actually going to happen; this is where you take a big step back and understand that, really, you aren’t going to know what might happen until it actually happens… or if it does at all.

In this, there are a lot of people who are all about trying to mindfuck you into not being the way you want to be… and there are a lot of people who are mindfucking themselves about it and, well, don’t let anyone else mindfuck you and do not do it to yourself. Most bisexuals are their own worst enemy and not just because they can’t figure out what, if anything, to do with this. No: It’s usually because what they believe is getting in the way of what they’re thinking and feeling and it creates a major internal conflict. How do you deal with this? You’ll have to figure that one out but, if it helps, here’s how I did it:

I know what the rules are and I even know why they are the way they are… and I know they’re not as right as we think they are because – and here comes the Big Duh – if they were, no one would be anything but heterosexual and do we not know that not everyone is. I’m bisexual and it very much stands to reason that I’m not the only bisexual in existence or has ever existed. I know this… and now you know it. So much for that internal conflict. One of the things I learned about this is that any objection to not being heterosexual is emotion-based more than anything else; the problem is that emotional responses tend to do a number on both logic and intelligence. Logic and intelligence says that bisexuality is real… because there are bisexuals but our belief system has “installed” a response that is based upon an emotional reaction to having those beliefs questioned and challenged. We take it on faith that what religion has said about this is the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth…

And I’m living proof that it isn’t and I’m sure as hell not the only living proof; that’s way more of an impossibility than the anti-bisexual crowd trying to convince you that bisexuality isn’t real… and now it’s all about what and who you’re gonna believe, huh?

This is what’s left, well, for the most part. No matter what anyone else tells you, this is about choice. Yes, we are all born with the potential and all that but you still have to choose what, if anything, you’re gonna do about it even if you choose to do nothing at all. Yes, a lot of people have this land on them and will say that they don’t want to be thinking and feeling this way and wishing it would just go away. The “bad” news is that it doesn’t just go away. You can suppress it but you can’t just shut it the hell up or keep it from hanging out in the back of your mind and poking you when you’d rather not be poked. You have choices and the simplest one is to accept and believe that this is how you feel and no matter why you are; this really does tend to come out of nowhere for some. Your next fork in the decision tree is what to do about it and you have choices: Do or do not. Most will tell you that they feel that they’re damned if they do and sometimes they are but what I will tell you – and because I’ve heard it from too many people to discount it is that sometimes, you’re damned if you don’t and a lot of the folks going through the internal war about this actually do know that if they don’t, they will be well and truly “damned.”

Just a bunch of choices that no one, not even me, can make for you. You’ll either make those choices… or you won’t. You might change your mind… and you may never change your mind and this, too, is choice. Hell, you can choose to believe me and what I’ve been writing or choose not to.

Do what you gotta do… even if it’s nothing at all. The biggest problem facing newbie bisexuals is a lack of credible information so that they can make an informed decision about this. I’m no professional expert in human sexuality – my degrees are in computer science and information technology… but I’ve been bisexual for a very long time and, yes, been there, done that and have also met and communicated with others who have been there and done that. I don’t have all of the answers or know every little nitpicking thing about this… but I know what I know.

Now I gotta think of something else to write about…

 

Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: “I Don’t Know Why You/People Have to Be Like That!”

This is one of the many things I’ve heard that, as a bisexual, I had to learn to not let flip me out or otherwise make me groan, roll my eyes, shake my head, and other forms of utter disbelief before deigning to explain it starts to give me a headache. When I’ve heard women say this, I’ve cattily asked, “You don’t know a whole lot about men, do you?” When I’ve heard other guys utter such sentiments, I tend to give them a blank look before asking, “You really don’t know, do you?”

I’ve heard the old saw of, “It’s Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve!” so many times that it stopped being funny after the first time I heard it; have heard the “playing for both teams” crack even more than that as well as a great sense of incredulity coming from those who’ve said it… and as if it really didn’t make sense to them. Of course, given what we’ve been conditioned to believe about sex – in particular – it doesn’t make sense for anyone to want, need, or go about having sex in the same-sex mode of things.

To those people, I ask, “You don’t know how humans work, do you?” We can be hysterically hypocritical about sex. On the one hand, it took us a long time to be able to admit, on the whole, that sex is healthy and natural even though Sigmumd Freud (if I remember correctly) said that the only abnormal sex was not having sex at all. I’m thinking that when he said that, his peers and others started rolling their eyes; probably made a mad dash for their bibles and started thumping them and also probably and metaphorically, thumped Dr. Freud about the head and shoulders for such a ridiculous thing to say.

When I began my quest to figure out this bisexual thing going on with me (and others), it wasn’t that I was finding out a lot about having sex as much as I was finding out about… us. Humans. That pre-programmed biological imperative to have sex that, as it turned out was “explained” in the Book of Genesis when Adam and Eve got kicked out of the Garden of Eden and one of the things God said to them was, “Go ye forth and multiply…” My early investigations showed that, yep, we have sex to multiply… and so much for babies being delivered by storks or left on the doorstep by milkmen and as they delivered their wares. Along with the religious stuff, I was finding all kinds of stuff about relationships, sex and, yeah, homosexuality and the companion terms heterosexuality and, yup, bisexuality and now it all came down to taking all of the stuff I’d been absorbing, albeit in bits and pieces, and putting them together like one really big puzzle to finally see that people have sex the way they do… because they do.

You take the biological imperative and combine with our higher brain function and, well, hmm, the way we go about having sex and other relational things makes sense… until you get a good look at what our morality has to say about it. Discovering this… contradiction was confusing. One the one hand, we were supposed to have sex but, on the other, there was only one way we were allowed to and, hoo boy, practically none of us youngsters were playing by any of those rules. We weren’t just diving into the boy/girl aspects – we were into the others, too, and as it turned out, my “investigations” were showing that this wasn’t as unusual as the adults around us said it was and, of course, warned us not to even think about…

Or else.

One of the things soaking up all of this information did was to dispel the very weird feeing that I was the only one who had a “thing” for boys and girls and it wasn’t until I started putting the puzzle together that I realized that I already knew I wasn’t the only one. Yeah, big-assed duh on this one; I used to kick my own ass over this particular thing but that was my more adult and mature mind doing the ass-kicking and “conveniently” forgetting that at the time, I didn’t know then what I knew now. I found myself digging into the experimenting thing I’d often hear adults talking about and I’d become quite grateful to have heard this because a lot of adults of that generation still believed that children should be seen and not heard and, as such, many would be talking about stuff like this and totally ignoring the fact that we were where they could be easily heard.

More confusion: They knew we were going to experiment with sex… sure as hell didn’t want us to and, whew, to hear what some would say about what they’d do to their kids if they ever got caught experimenting would, more often than not, induce a great urge to go to the bathroom and immediately if not sooner. The thing that also confused me was their assertion that we didn’t know anything about sex and sure as hell didn’t know shit about doing it… but my peers and I knew they were very wrong about that since, um, we were well and truly very deep into that experimenting that they knew we’d do but wasn’t supposed to.

Given the times at the time, we heard a lot about homos – aka faggots, queers, punks, sissies, and bull dykes – and those rather careless adults would often hold court to talk beaucoup shit about those weirdos who, if male, acted like females and, if female, acted like males. I also learned a lot of interesting curse words “eavesdropping” on such discussions as well as a lot of different terms used to describe having sex and some of them, I thought, were pretty funny like “fudge-packer,” which took me a while to understand that the “fudge” they were talking about wasn’t the kind we could get at the corner store. I got busted eavesdropping one day because this one adult was going on and on about those evil “carpet munchers” and I got this image of someone, well, eating a real carpet and it got me laughing and, oops, someone noticed that I’d been standing not ten feet away from them.

That got me a few very stern talking-tos about sticking my nose in adult business… but it was worth the tongue-lashing because a lot of what they’d be talking about matched up with what my peers and I were doing with each other as well as what I was learning from those outside of my neighborhood. What was clear to me was that there were a lot of adults who firmly believed that not having sex in the boy/girl way was beyond horrible and unholy and when I connected what preachers were yelling and screaming about on Sundays, okay, this was starting to make sense… but I’d not yet put the pieces together that would one day reveal that the answer/response to, “I don’t why you/people have to be like that!” was…

Because we can be and despite what everyone was saying to the contrary, it’s a lot more normal and natural and one of the reasons why our morality about sex says what it says which is, um, don’t even go there… because if two guys or two gals were doing the nasty, no babies were going to be conceived or born. It took me a lot of years of digging to get to this and once I did, everything else really made sense including why religion emphatically stated that having sex outside of a relationship was a sin called fornication… and another word that, when I learned it, made me laugh and even today, it tends to make me wanna start laughing – yeah, I’m just weird like that.

I began paying attention to as many people around me that I could manage to do and while many of them had the same views about this stuff and like the adults of that generation were, for all intents and purposes, losing their shit over, there were many more who were looking at this sex thing the same way I was looking at it, seeing it, and yep, doing. Those “damned homos” were making sense to me even though they were still the most evil people ever born and everyone was so focused on their evil ways that, it seemed to me, they just overlooked or ignored that those “damned homos” were, in fact, doing things in the same way “normal” people were doing… just with someone who was the same sex as they were.

And those of us who played for both teams? Some kid logic kicked in that said, “If a boy can do it to a girl and a boy can do it to a boy, then a boy can do it do a girl and a boy…” and, yup, I’d already proven that… a lot. I didn’t have “all of the answers” but at the ripe old age of 16, I had a lot and knew some stuff that I saw a lot of people either didn’t know or were studiously trying to ignore and, yeah, just say a lot of very nasty shit about. From my own perspective, it was cool to be straight but also gay – and in the terms we understood that to mean – and I didn’t have a problem being both but, yeah, other people did and while some were of a mind that those of us who went both ways were freaks, weirdos, and just plain sick in the head, it was becoming very and disturbingly clear that if anyone had some serious “issues,” it wasn’t me or anyone else who was like me:

It was those people who just didn’t want to hear or believe how humans can really behave when it came to having sex because our morality “made” them this way. I learned that, in actuality, our morality isn’t wrong – it’s incorrect; it’s exclusive and totally single-minded and a rather backhanded way to prevent or suppress a set of behaviors that morality was created to prevent and suppress. I remember being totally pissed off to find that my parents “lied” to me about sex until I realized that they didn’t lie – they just didn’t tell me the whole truth of things and because of what I’d been learning from my investigations and observations, I knew why they didn’t… because they weren’t supposed to.

In my junior year of high school, a group of us… switch-hitters had gotten together to talk about being bisexual and, of course, all of the shit we had to deal with for not being straight or gay and in the exclusive way “everyone” had to be. Us guys were well represented in this group and the ladies were, at the time even more represented as there were more girls in this ad hoc group than guys and almost a 2:1 ratio. We were happy with our sexuality and well adjusted to it but totally bummed out because other people we knew, well, they thought there was something wrong with us. Many spoke about their parents finding out and applying some pretty heinous shit in order to “scare them straight.” That was also around the time when the first whispers of attempts to cure homosexuals of their mental illness started to appear and, man, that was some ugly and, sadly, deadly stuff for some.

One of the things we talked a lot about was keeping this thing about us as secret as possible, not so much because we were ashamed of being bisexual but, clearly, there were people who didn’t know or care that bisexuals and homosexuals were different; everyone not straight was one of those “damned homos” and had to be dealt with and as violently as could be managed. Today we go on and on about being closeted – and a term, I learned, that was coined to describe homosexuals who were very concerned about their safety and not of a mind to let a lot of people know what was up with them. We attribute being closeted to being ashamed when the truth is being closeted is the “only way” to stay safe in a world filled with homophobes who believe that all “homos” had to be put to death or otherwise taught the error of their ways and with a lot of pain involved, both physical and emotional.

I was learning how… dark humans could really be over something they continued to believe wasn’t ever supposed to be done… and how insularly ignorant we can be to be this way when we know that it’s been going on since forever and for so long that a lot of its origins have been lost to history… or just removed; like it’s said, if it’s not written down, it never happened… but it’s also written that history is written by the victors.

So much hate and angst; so much hypocrisy in that, again, we can agree that sex is normal and healthy unless it’s not being done in the prescribed and mandated way and if that’s discovered, one can get to see man’s inhumanity to man up close and personal. And the thing I learned that bothers me is that over all of this time, we have learned nothing about the way we can be or, as it’s also said, those who fail to learn from history are doomed to repeat it. We are so… hidebound and institutionalize that we continue to believe something that, clearly, was never true about how we can go about love, sex, and relationships and here comes the phobias; first homophobia and now, biphobia which is really homophobia that has a specific target and lends itself to this air of gross ignorance because here in the year 2021, there are still people who don’t know that homosexuals and bisexuals aren’t the same critters but, yeah, it seemed to me that once that damned NY Times article appeared, no one was “reporting” any feelings of biphobia, well, that I was aware of. Up to that point, I’d say that what I was observing was… mixed; some folks were of a mind that if you wanted to go both ways, okay – have fun with that but leave me out of it, okay? Some folks were “gorilla glued” to their homophobia and it didn’t matter to them that, say, bi guys would and still go out of their way to have sex with women (and those fake lesbians weren’t of a mind to give up the dick they very much liked); when you’re a hammer, everything looks like a nail.

Once that article came out, the shit got to hitting the fan big time. A lot of people were shocked to find out that, holy shit – you mean to tell me that someone could be both straight and gay? How is that even possible and how can that make any damned sense? I was sitting back and watching all of this emerging; sometimes laughing and sometimes shaking my head in sadness or disbelief to see so many people losing their shit over something that, now, they were saying didn’t exist and wasn’t real and exposing that flaw in our thinking that says people are either straight or gay. As previously related, the part that got me was when it was being said that there was no such animal as a Black, male bisexual – but I knew why that was being said and because of yet another old and very incorrect stereotype that says all Blacks are homophobic… and I knew better than that.

I’ve continued to sit and observe this great clusterfuck and for a species that considers itself to be so civilized and knowledgeable, eh, no – not so much, it seems. Lots of finger pointing about where this angst is coming from and I get to rolling my eyes when a lot of bisexuals say that straight folks are the source of all this hatred when I know – and because I was subjected to it – nah – that’s not where the majority of the dumb shit is coming from. Even I learned that a lot of straight people? They don’t give a fuck if you go both ways and won’t unless you make it personal to them in some way. Likewise, not all homosexuals are on the “we hate bisexuals” bandwagon and the funny yet scary part is that the LGBTQ+ community’s house is in some crazy disarray over whether or not bisexuals should still be included when, in it’s infancy, bisexuals were very much included. I could understand the disconnect; bisexuals are like homosexuals… and not so much and one of the things I learned very early on was what’s called the fear of the other or, if you ain’t like us, you’re against us… and we’re gonna fuck you up because you ain’t like us. This, I learned, is really just human nature and a thing about us that, like sexuality, we’ve not been able to do a damned thing about… but we also hypocritically say that we should all live and let live.

Being “in the middle of things” is an interesting place to be because you get to see how “the other sides” behave and how insular their points of view can be because they are 100% sure that their way of doing things is the best way to do them. I have, historically, gotten more grief about being bisexual from homosexuals than heterosexuals but, yep, I get grief in stereo because of what they believe and, as I’ve been constantly learning, we have a habit of sticking to what we believe even though we can be presented with the evidence that says what we believe isn’t so much wrong… but inaccurate. Incomplete. Lot of plausible deniability going on and even more of that maddening, “Yeah, but…” stuff I’ve heard in my life.

How are you gonna tell me that what I’m telling you about being bisexual makes sense… then turn around and dispute what I said? Oh, that’s right – I do know why: It’s because you believe what you believe and the truth, such as it is, can’t possible be, well, the truth. Cityman and I – as well as others I communicate with – often talk about what it’s going to take to get society to stop losing their shit over bisexuality and what I’ve found is that until we can do something about what we believe – and the source of those beliefs – things for bisexuals aren’t going to get better any time soon. I’ve learned that some people are, let’s say, normally insular, for lack of a better phrase; I can’t count or really remember the exact number of times when I’ve heard someone say, “That’s all well and good… but I would never do some shit like that.” That’s to be expected and more so, I think, because of the way we look at things but not always at a high level of thought, as it were. So people saying that they know that dudes suck dick and all that is what it is but always with the caveat of what they wouldn’t do and, for some, if it’s something they wouldn’t do, no one should do it.

Then some of those same people find themselves doing something that they swore on all that’s holy and right that they’d never do. Beliefs dispelled. Why? There are so many reasons why one would be or turn to bisexuality but at the very root of this is, simply, because we can be and just as we can be straight or gay and, yep, we can – if we wanted or needed to – switch things up to fit our circumstances. We believe that gay folks just 100% hate the thought of things heterosexual… and that’s not exactly true. Gay men and women don’t all have this “opposite sex hatred” and as I heard way back in the 1960s. We can’t seem to conceive or imagine that some folks who are bisexual, um, used to be straight or gay and are of a mind to not believe whatever they say about changing things up for themselves.

As I’ve written, the problem isn’t bisexuality: It’s what we believe and an overall refusal to accept that, yup – there are a lot of people who go both ways. It’s that habit we have of putting more weight on what we believe and so much that we just ignore or do our best to discount what’s really going on with humans, sex, and sexuality. And, you betcha – some bisexuals are spending a lot of time being part of the problem instead of being part of any possible solution; yeah, sometimes, we see the enemy… and it’s us. Why is biphobia such a problem? Because we believe that it is a problem and, as such, just let it fuck with us and get us feeling some kind of way that also includes insinuating a huge wedge of doubt about what we know ourselves to be.

There’s a reason why phobias are defined as irrational fears. No – doesn’t change the fact that if you have a phobia, it’s very damned real to you even when you know that whatever that phobia is, eh, it shouldn’t be scaring the shit out of you. But that, too, is human nature and biphobia is just another stick we use to beat each other with and that’s gotten so bad that there’s an additional phobia attached to bisexuality: Internalized biphobia. I’m guessing what this is supposed to mean that I’m bisexual but with an irrational fear of being bisexual… and I’ll admit it: I do not understand how the fuck that works. Okay, I get that some people aren’t… happy to find themselves having bisexual thoughts and feelings and more so when they believe that they’re not supposed to have these feelings and it’s “impossible” that they do. From where I’m sitting, that doesn’t qualify as an irrational fear so much but what it does do is instill and invoke a lot of fear about what someone else is gonna say to us about this and that’s not irrational: That is some very real shit.

All along my journey of discovery, I’ve approached things with the sense that I could be wrong and, yep, sometimes I am; I really don’t know everything about this but I know what I know just the same. The more I sit, think, and observe the ongoing clusterfuck about bisexuality – and why it exists – the more I’m convinced that I’m not wrong… and I’m not the only one who’s seeing things this way. We – bisexuals – aren’t the problem:

That’s everyone who believes that we’re not what we say and know ourselves to be. If I tell you that I have sex with both men and women and you tell me that there’s no way I could be like that, um, which one of us is right? I’m thinking it’s me since, you know, been there, done that, and sometimes embarrassingly so and with great glee and gusto. You’re really trying to tell me that I can’t be what I’ve proven to myself that I really am?

How does that work? Rhetorical… because I do know how it works and why it does. Many have tried to prove me wrong and many have utterly failed because when I ask them, “Well, how do you explain this if you’re convinced that, somehow, I don’t know what the fuck I’m talking about when I’ve been up to my eyeballs in this damned near all of my life?”

And their “proof and explanation” is rooted in that which we believe and have been conditioned to believe… and I know for a fact that this is not the whole truth of human sexuality – and I’m living proof that it isn’t. I hear the same thing today that I’ve been hearing since the 1960s… and that should tell you something that you might find… disturbing because of what it says about us as a species.

Then, finally, there’s this: Nothing anyone has said or done has stopped anyone from being bisexual. Nothing. Every moment in every damned day, someone is discovering that, holy shit – I’m not as straight – or, yeah, as gay – as I thought myself to be. In every moment of every damned day, someone somewhere in the world is taking the plunge for the first time. What’s fucking us up is that there’s no way to tell who is bisexual and we have no clue about who, say, ten seconds from the time you read this, is going to find out that, holy shit – I think I’m bisexual!

We failed to eradicate homosexuality from the human condition. We are failing – and will fail – to eradicate bisexuality and mostly because we still can’t seem to learn from history and are forever doomed to repeat it or, as the definition of insanity goes, we keep doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. And even crazier? There are bisexuals who will tell you that they’re not the duck they’ve been quacking like and the word just does not apply to them.

Oh, and if, by chance, you didn’t know why? Now you do: It’s because we can be.

 

Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: Top, Bottom, or Versatile?

Now we get into an aspect of male bisexuality that is… interesting. I don’t exactly remember when these terms got introduced to the dynamic but I do remember the first time a guy asked, “Are you a top, bottom, or versatile?” and I gave him a blank look because I had no idea what the hell he was talking about… and he had to explain it to me and, admittedly, I was kinda embarrassed that I didn’t know this but stopped being embarrassed because until that moment, there had been no reason for me to know this.

It did get me to thinking hard about how I’d been having sex with guys and after further review, I saw how versatile I was and that I didn’t have a preference (and like a lot of guys do today). I grew up in a sexual environment where us guys did it all because it not only made sense, it was also fair. You suck my dick, I suck yours; you fuck me, I fuck you. It wasn’t until I heard these terms that I went back and re-examined not only the way I was having sex with guys, but how other guys were going about it and after that review, top, bottom, and versatile made a lot more sense and more so when I’d run into guys who’d want me to suck them and give them my ass to fuck but they weren’t of a mind to return any favors; likewise, I’d run into guys who wanted just to suck me and be fucked by me and maybe get their dick sucked and, yeah, many guys who didn’t care who was on top or on the bottom as long as dicks got hard and were made soft and, usually, mutually so.

It didn’t escape my attention that the older I got, the more… different things got with guys and those three words – top, bottom, and versatile – started making a whole lot of sense even though, at the time, I wasn’t all that sure why they made sense; they just described and defined what I was seeing at that point. Guys were… settling in to and with whichever acts were liked the most and passing on those things they didn’t like so much or, interestingly, were of a mind that they weren’t going to like it… even if they’d never done it. I’d discovered what I liked and didn’t like by doing it and, um, usually, more than once or twice but I was hard-pressed to figure out how a guy could say that he was a top or a bottom… and he hadn’t had the sex yet.

It got me digging into what was going on here and learned that, yep – guys were deciding on how they wanted to have sex with other guys because of what they were thinking about it and, yep, how they felt about it. Since having sex with another guy was considered to be very and highly unmanly, there were guys who thought and felt that as long as they weren’t sucking dick and being fucked in the ass, their manliness was very much intact and “everyone” knew that “real men” didn’t suck dick or get fucked – that was for guys who weren’t all that manly… and read that as being effeminately gay. There were guys who thought and felt that their role in sex with other guys was to “be the girl” and not just because it was too much fun to suck dick, swallow sperm, and get their butt loaded up… but because it very much fit the self-image they developed for themselves and, for the most part, this is how they felt but this didn’t necessarily make them gay and more so when such a guy would revel in being the girl with another guy… and turn right around and give some babe the high hard one and without a second thought about it.

I observed that for a lot of guys, it was very important to determine whether or not they were going to be a top, bottom, or versatile before they even got around to taking the plunge; they’d already made up their minds about what they were going to like and what they weren’t going to like and, most likely, because of whatever they’d heard about men having sex with men… and the majority of that came from whatever one knew about gay men. It didn’t take a whole lot of mental effort to see how this behavior dove-tailed with the defined sexual roles: Male/dominant and female/submissive even though I also understood that these established terms really didn’t lend themselves to how people actually had sex but, okay, I saw what was kinda/sorta going on with this top, bottom, or versatile thing that was now a huge part of the bisexual dynamic and mostly because of preconceived notions rather than actual experience.

A guy would say, “I don’t like sucking dick!” and I’d ask him why and especially when he’d say that he had never sucked a dick. It was confusing until I likened it to how children didn’t like, say, broccoli… but they never ate it and wouldn’t. I had a son who made it clear that he didn’t like onions and that got my attention since, at the time, almost all of the meals prepared had onions in them and, of course, when I pointed that out to him, he was shocked and now couldn’t explain why he didn’t like something that he’d been happily eating all along… and I was baffled about his dislike of the same onions he’d been eating and there was no effort to hide the onions in preparations.

What a guy believed in this had more power than anything else. Some of it was that, “I’m not gay!” thing and the misconception that if they didn’t do certain things – suck dick and get fucked – then they weren’t gay at all… and not even giving a single thought that if a guy’s sucking your dick and you’re dick-deep in his ass, that’s a homosexual act just the same. It didn’t escape me that a lot of negotiations for sex with other men would often fall through once the question of being top, bottom, or versatile got answered, leading me to wonder what happens when two tops or two bottoms have sex… and the answer, based upon what I was observing was…

Nothing. Paying attention to how tops defined themselves and how bottoms were defining their role had me thinking that there’s no way anything could happen since opposites attract and sameness repelled… and just like that science experiment involving magnets. Tops initiated sex; they got their dick sucked and it was the bottom’s job/role do this and just as it is their job/role to bend over and take the top’s dick in their ass. Tops did not suck dick nor did they get fucked and it came to light that there were – and are – bottoms who wouldn’t fuck you if their life depended on it and you’d better not even think about sucking their dick – what the hell is wrong with you?

And, yeah, there were the guys who’d say, “Let’s just get naked and do each other!” and that just worked and was more in-line with the way I had sex with the guys I grew up with and other guys I’d met along the way. Then again, we all got our “preferences” by doing stuff and it made sense that anything we learned that we just did not like got thrown out and, yep, that would “sort” guys out into tops, bottoms, and versatile dudes… but didn’t explain, at the time, how a guy decided what he was going to be before doing anything.

I’d learned that male bisexuality was… complicated and this “new” aspect to the dynamic – and one that I eventually reasoned had been in place all along – was even more complicated because it’s pretty normal for people to think about the sex they want to have and how they want to have it… but not be all that interested in what sex is really possible. Like, I knew – and a lot of us knew – that having a dick in your ass hurts like a motherfucker… because that was the word on the street and a lot of us found that, yep, it does hurt because we were having dicks shoved in our butts. You take this known thing and one that made the rounds by word of mouth and, yep, it made sense that there were guys who didn’t want a dick in their ass because (1) it hurts like a bitch and (2) it’s too gay and very unmanly. The other word on the street was that sperm tasted nasty and many of us learned that, yep, ew, sometimes it didn’t taste good at all but since this was the word on the street, it made sense that a guy wasn’t going to suck a dick and wind up with a mouthful of that nasty-tasting stuff and, yes, because this, too, was too gay and unmanly.

What made this not so much of a given was that I’d run into tops who were amazing cock suckers and sometimes, they had no qualms about being fucked… depending on the guy they were with. While a lot of bottoms didn’t agree with the tops’ assessment that being the one to suck dick and swallow sperm and get it deposited in their butt was all that unmanly, if they were with the right guy, a bottom could be a top but because it wasn’t their main MO, neither “group” would say that they were versatile since this wasn’t something they’d do in the majority of times and even under rare circumstances.

At some point, versatility kinda went by the wayside because the dynamic somehow settled into the either/or thing of you were either a top… or you were a bottom and guys who were versatile were the weird dudes and as evidenced in the many times a guy would ask if I was a top or a bottom and I’d say, “Yes.” It had got locked in that tops needed bottoms and bottoms needed tops but guys who were and could be both? Yeah… weirdos. Because I was (and still am) versatile, a lot of “dedicated” tops and bottoms would head for the hills rather than to have sex with me because that meant, to them, that I was into some shit that they weren’t into and wasn’t going to be come hell or high water. What they didn’t understand – and I think they still don’t – is that being versatile doesn’t mean whatever you do to me I’m gonna do to you; it’s a mode of flexibility inside a sexual behavior that is also flexible. If you wanna top me and I feel like being topped, let’s do it. If I feel like topping and you wanna be topped, okay – I can do that… because, if nothing else, this is what and how I learned to have sex with guys. Sometimes, I just wanna suck dick without any reciprocation at all and sometimes I just wanna kick back and be sucked and not be of a mind to suck dick. Unless you wanted to do something that was on my list of Things I Will Never Do With, To, or For Anyone, I’m good with whatever you wanna do and, of course, depending upon how I’m feeling but with the sure and certain understanding that I can change my mind about something in a flat, skinny second… and I have.

The dynamic took another interesting term when M2M sex was “determined” to be very manly and I found out about this while investigating what others were calling the “thug mentality” and there is a code that defines the behavior and, as I understood it, created by the late Tupak Shakur. What I was learning was that inside the code was an unwritten thing that said that if your brother needed sex from you – or wanted to have sex with you – it was the height of manly responsibility to provide it and there was no shame or even labels attached… and I thought, “Wait, what?” But I understood it but even this “drastic change” in the dynamic settled into tops and bottoms… mostly and with versatility being like the red-headed stepchild you knew about but didn’t always pay any attention to.

But, okay: Trying to figure out how a guy would and could determine his role in this before having any of the sex was mystifying and confusing but, okay, I got it… right up until the day when Cityman mentioned to me that he was talking to a guy who described himself as top/verse and I had a big Lewis Black moment (and if you’ve ever seen his comedy routines, you know what I’m talking about). I was like, “How can a guy be a top… but versatile or describe himself as bottom/verse… when those terms don’t match up with each other? The way I understand it, you’re either versatile… or you aren’t.”

And, yeah, Cityman had to explain it to me and I understood that it was more… situational and like those who say that they’re bi with the right person or my “favorite,” socially bi. A top/verse is a top… but with the right person, he could do bottom things; likewise, a bottom/verse is a bottom but, again, with the right person, they could do top things… and I said to myself, “What the fuck?” I thought it was “bad enough” that things had been broken into three separate and distinct pieces… and now things have been sliced and diced even more and, I think, unnecessarily so except for one’s self-perception and peace of mind.

“I don’t really see how this is any different from, say, how I’ve always behaved in this,” I had said to Cityman and even he admitted that this new term didn’t make a lot of sense; it was just another way, albeit a weird one, to explain the potential to not always stick strictly to their default M2M behavior… which is what I’d always believed “versatile” meant… but what do I know?

You wanna hear something “funny?” Women can behave like this, too. I know bi women who will not eat pussy for love or money and I know bi women who love having men eat them… but never another woman. And there’s the women who are all in, all of the time; if it’s something two girls can do, it just works. And some of them decide this without doing anything with another woman. They think, “This is what I want to do and it’s the only thing I’m going to do…” and for whatever reason this makes sense to them. And just like guys do, they’re not often of a mind to change their mind about their role in this and, like guys do, they often tend to believe that once they’ve decided their role, it can’t ever be changed.

What a tangled web we’ve weaved. I get it and I really do but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t fascinate the living daylights out of me and more so when, if I’ve not learned anything about sex, it’s that we do it in whatever way works best for us and those ways are interchangeable despite being so clearly, if not erroneously, defined. Instant gratification is loosely defined as, “I want what I want and in the exact way I want it; anything else just does not ever work.” It’s the reason, I think, that people become bisexual but turn right around and shove themselves inside another box after they’ve escaped the one they were previously in… then making the box smaller and smaller and finding themselves trapped in patterns of behavior that they think or “know” that can’t get out of.

What happens when two tops want to have sex with each other? You’d think – and as I did – nothing can happen… but that’s not really the truth because even sex like this follows the male/dominant – female/submissive rules or, to put it crudely, someone has to be the guy and someone has to be the girl or that’s what we think. Two tops could, if they choose to, do whatever they want to do to, with, and for each other and they can… situationally. Guys are… hilariously funny in that if “Ted” is a top and “Greg” has gotten his attention – but Greg is also a top, well, depending on how badly Ted needs to bust a nut or two, he’s willing to do whatever as long as Greg is also willing… hence that top/verse thing I mentioned earlier but is really being, um, versatile.

Likewise, you’d think that two bottoms who have “the hots” for each other would be at an impasse to do anything and given how being a bottom is defined these days… and enter that bottom/verse thing now. What’s at fault here is that we almost always think about the sex we want to have… but not so much the sex we could have if we didn’t have the preferences that exist and in a very rigid state.

I’m not even gonna get into that submissive and power bottom stuff I’ve been made aware of; this shit is already confusing enough as it stands. Perception versus the truth: People who don’t know anything about bisexuality assume that if two guys – or two gals – get together, they do everything that can be done and without exception… and that’s never been true because we have some shit stuck in our heads about how sex is supposed to happen and what our role in it has to be and, usually, with few or no exceptions. I know what’s good and bad about sucking dick… because I experienced it; likewise, I know what’s good and bad about anal sex – been there, done that.

But there are men, to speak specifically, who makes these determinations without being there or doing that and that just fascinates me and very much speaks to how our minds works about such things. I know women who will say that, sure – if “Jessie” wants to eat her pussy, she’d be okay with it… but Jessie’s coochie would go uneaten, not because she couldn’t go down on Jessie but because she’s already made up her mind that she’s not going to like it and, sometimes, because she believes she’s not going to be good at it and as she’d be expected to be. I know guys who will let another guy suck his dick and finish him off… but wouldn’t return the favor, not because he doesn’t know how to but usually because he’s convinced himself that he can’t and he’s not going to for any reason.

I’ve said, “You never ask a man to do something you wouldn’t do yourself…” and in the world of tops and bottoms, this is exactly what tends to happen. It’s not what the two of us could do – it’s what I want you to do and anything I don’t want to do is and will forever be non-negotiable. It’s one’s right, of course, and it’s usually couched in one’s preferences which are locked down and unchangeable and, at least in the world of M2M, this is just how it is: You’re either a top or you’re a bottom and those roles have been clearly defined and delineated… and I’ll be damned if I really know why. I get it: “I don’t have to if I don’t want to…” and my question is, “Why don’t you?”

The answers tend to surprise me since, most of the time, the usual answer is, “Because I don’t want to!” and with some folks, you have to dig really deep to get to the root of this and a lot of is… “Because I’m not supposed to…” and depending on how they see their roles in sex, which differs when it’s sex with a woman and sex with a man… and not seeing that it’s all the same since women can and do top men and the female/dominant role in sex is also a very real thing and even more so when pegging is now a “thing” – and not like it never was, by the way.

Just saying.

Confused? Yeah, so I am – and I’m up to this to my pretty brown eyes.

 

Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: “What Should I Do?”

Good question, huh? A lot of bisexuals who are ready to take the plunge usually knows what they want to experience and, often, specifically so… and some get stuck in neutral and aren’t all that sure about that. It’s not that they don’t know what’s possible in the same-sex mode; unless they’ve been living under a rock or in some very isolated place, yeah, chances are they know what can be done.

What they don’t know is whether or not they can (a) actually do it and (b) if they’re going to enjoy it as much as they think – and are hoping – they will. When I’ve talked to such bisexuals, this becomes a fuzzy kind of area because they’ll ask this question and I usually do that impolite thing of answering a question with a question:

“What do you want to do?”

A great deal of uncertainty going on at this point. As I wrote yesterday, with the exception of certain anatomical differences, if you can do something with and to a woman, you can do those same things with a man, from cuddling and kissing right up to oral and intercourse and, yeah, even if some… devices have to be employed.

Part of the uncertainty is the “belief” that having sex in the same-sex mode is very different and not everyone makes the connection that says, nah, not all that different.

In such conversations with men, I’ll go through the usual entry points: Masturbation, mutual masturbation, giving and/or receiving blow jobs. Not all guys jump right to anal sex right off the bat and some never go there at all but I’ve known some guys who’ve done that and usually because they already had that in their head for the thing they wanna do right out of the gate and some guys have actually practiced it with, um, their device of choice; they do tend to find out that the real thing is quite different and for a few reasons that I may or may not get into later in this scribble.

“What was the first thing you did?“

Sucked dick and swallowed. It is the thing that most guys experience first because, believe it or not, it’s one of the easiest first-things to do; jerking off with each other and jerking each other off is even easier once one gets past any modesty issues they have and feeling all kinds of weird about touching another man’s cock. I’ve explained to guys that there are times when things will start off… manually and can turn into oral after a fashion and I’ve had to explain that, no, I don’t know why that happens but it just “all of a sudden” seems to make sense to stop yanking on his prick and just suck it.

Yep… I’ve had to explain to guys how to suck a dick and how to be sucked. This might have you rolling your eyes or even laughing and I wouldn’t blame you if it did but remember: A lot of guys think this is so very different that the whole notion is rather alien… and even if they’ve ever had a woman go down on them and, yeah, if they’ve ever eaten pussy.

“What’s it like?“

I can tell them what it’s like for me but I’ll also tell them that whatever I say about that, what it’s gonna be like for them may be different and especially how they’re going to react to it. To the question of how to suck a dick, I’ve suggested that they should do it the way they like having it done to them; the only flaw in this is if they’ve never been sucked, well, they have no point of reference. Yes, they can watch all kinds of porn and see people doing it… but it’s not the same so much but I also recommend that they don’t try to deep throat a dick right away unless they want whatever’s in their stomach to come back and pay them a visit.

I also let them know that, somehow, a guy who has no idea how to do this can, once he gets started, just figures it out; I tell them that I’ve had first-timers go down on me and like they’ve been doing it all of their lives and making me think they were yanking my chain when they said they never did it before. Some guys are naturals and some guys really do have to learn how to give a blow job… and some guys have to learn how to get one and if you think that’s funny, well, I’m not trying to be funny.

I talk to them about expectations and the pros and cons of having them; I do my best to address their concerns, like, what if the other guy doesn’t cum – or they don’t – or he or themselves can’t maintain an erection; does it mean that whatever was going on wasn’t liked or there’s some inept lousiness going on? No, it doesn’t… and now I’m talking about how the male body works and what’ll make it not work as expected and, again, I am not kidding about this part. Yeah, you’d think that a guy would know how their body works but, again, this is a huge disconnect for a lot of guys and because it’s perceived as being so very different, their mind can’t connect the dots and more so if they’ve had such… performance issues with women, they can happen with guys and for a lot of the same reasons.

“I’ve heard about how this can go wrong – can this happen to me?“

Yes, it can and I advise them to not give someone else’s bad experience a whole lot of weight because, simply, that happened to them and you don’t know if something similar is going to happen for you. One of the things I learned about the horror stories is that when you hear one, you don’t always hear both sides of the story and some folks aren’t of a mind to let it be known that if the moment went sideways, um, they had something to do with that – but they’re often quick to blame the other person and/or themselves when, if you dig into the facts of matter, no one was really at fault – sometimes, shit just does not happen and if you wanna blame someone, blame Mr. Murphy and the “law” attached to the moniker.

And, yes: I have, at times, had to explain to a guy how to jerk another guy off and the disconnect I keep talking about is very much in play even with this. You’d think that if a guy knows how to jerk himself off, doing it to another guy should be a no-brainer. Sometimes it is just that… and, yep, rocket science is way easier… but this is exactly why I firmly believe that no first-timer should ever get tossed in to sink or swim. The only “exception” to this is those situations where shit spontaneously happens. There are those who believe that such things either never happen or they never should… and I’ll beg to differ big time since I’ve seen it happen and been all up in the middle of it either by choice or just being caught up in their moment.

“What if they wanna do something I don’t wanna do?“

Don’t do it and no matter how much shit they give you or try to pressure you into doing. A lot of the horror stories I’ve heard have taken place for this very reason, that and some first-timers are actually that naïve to believe that whatever the other person is saying to them in order to get them naked is them telling the truth where taking it slow and easy goes. No always means no and I’ll even suggest that if you don’t know how to make a person stop, you might want to learn how to do just that. For those wanting to have their first experience with me, I make it very clear that they can say “stop” at any time and for any reason and I will stop. It is not only the right thing to do but, yeah, I’ve heard some horror stories, too.

“If this was your first time, what would you do?“

That’s a question I can’t answer; I’m too much of a realist to speculate on something that is, for me, a very moot point and more so when I’ve pretty much done everything two guys can do to each other and what I haven’t done is because I didn’t want to and, yep, there are some things I won’t do with anyone for any reason.

For a lot of first-timers, all of this puts them in a precarious position if/when they’re not sure of what sexual thing they want to experience. They not only have to think about what they want to do but they also have to think about whether or not they can actually do it. I’ve sat with both men and women talking about this and we’re playing the “What If?” game and a lot of those “what ifs” cannot be definitively answered because a lot of them are things that there’s no way of knowing that they’ll appear… until they actually appear. Like, one of the more common ones: What if I don’t like the way his nut tastes? Well, that one is answerable: You can spit it out. Another is, “What if someone else finds out that I did this?”

Time to answer a question with a question – again: “Unless one of you tells someone else, how are they gonna know?” That’s actually a kind of loaded question and the real answer is rather involved. A lot of folks wind up getting outed… because they did it to themselves more than someone else running their mouth about it. And the “bad” part is that they can out themselves without knowing that they did… and you should never, ever discount how perceptive someone who knows you can be.

All of this – and a lot more – very much plays into being able to answer the question of, “What should I do?” and, you betcha – it’s a lot to think about and it does tend to defeat some folks due to the sheer number of possibilities and most of which are very deep in the unknown zone. It’s not as simple as picking the “easiest” thing to do and one usually has to do a lot of introspective thinking about this and provided, again, that one doesn’t already have something in mind and it seems that these days, a lot of people pretty much know what they wanna experience in their first time. I will, however, tell them to do their best not to get all fucked up in the head if their actual experience doesn’t match whatever they were thinking about.

“No plan survives first contact with the enemy.” This is a military thing that has a lot of truth behind it. Planners can come up with all sorts of plans and based upon what they think the enemy is going to do in response and, yeah, they don’t always do what you think they’re going to do… and one’s first time can happen in the same way. I know many will sit and think out scenario after scenario about how their first time is going to happen… and wind up being both disappointed and disillusioned because that’s not what actually happened or the whole thing went “off script” at some point or for some reason that no one thought about… because it’s almost impossible to predict the outcome of something that hasn’t happened. Again, that’s when most folks will “what if” themselves into major headaches trying to have Plans A through ZZZ and, I guess due to human nature, think about everything that could go wrong… and some believing that it will go wrong.

You can’t even really be sure that anything is going to happen at all and taking things one step at a time is, in my opinion, the best way to go about it; be in the moment and only in one moment at a time but we just have a habit of looking into the future or thinking about how things are going to wind up finishing… before they even get started. “What should I do?” isn’t always the no-brainer that it might appear to be and, to be honest, the only person that can answer that question is… yourself.

“This ain’t all that easy, is it?“

Nope, not for everyone but, yeah, for some, it can be that easy. The biggest “problem,” I think, is not really knowing what’s going to happen and finding out that thinking and doing really aren’t the same things. I’ve wound up sighing heavily and saying to some, “If you’re not sure of what you wanna do, give everything a try and try it more than once. Do something once to prove to yourself that you can do it and to get an idea if you liked it or not; then do it again to confirm things one way or another… and then do it again because what kills a lot of bisexuals’ sexual hopes and dreams is thinking that if it didn’t go right the first time, it will never go right.”

“It probably won’t take very long for you to find the things that you do like and the ones you’re not a fan of; a lot of doing this for the first time is really and truly trial and error and chances are good that you’re not gonna get it “right” the first time and that’s okay. You had to learn how to have sex in the first place and in this, it’s time to go back to school so you can learn another way to have sex and in a way that isn’t all that different from how you learned to have sex in the first place; the only thing that changes is the person – the acts are pretty much the same and interchangeable.”

As I’ve seen happen – and I’ve said this before and many times – when it comes to what to do the first time out, a lot of folks just say, “Fuck it!” to themselves and just dive on in and do… something because, as you can see, there’s a lot of stuff to think about and to consider and it can and will lock your brain up due to overthinking and some sensory overload. The first experience a lot of men and women have in this is oral sex and is, I’d say, usually, the thing that comes to mind and even more so if one has ever wondered what it would be like this way. It is usually one of the “weirdest” things to do but, as I said to one guy, “Do you remember the first time you ate pussy? You managed to get through that, right, and if so, you can get through sucking a dick for the first time. I’m sure you remember the first time you got your dick sucked; having a guy do it is only different because, duh, it’s a guy doing it – but what he’s doing isn’t different from what a woman would do, technique notwithstanding. If you survived that, you will survive having a guy blow you.”

And if one doesn’t, it’s usually because they’ve convinced themselves that they’re not going to “survive” it; we can very much be our own worst enemy in this and before one can even think about what, if anything, they wanna do, yeah – they’ve got a lot of very introspective thinking to do with themselves because they are gonna have to learn another way to have sex. I can tell you a lot about it… but I can’t do it for you. Making the choices and decisions will only be as difficult as you make them and I happen to know that a lot of people go out of their way to make this a very difficult thing to do. Like I said yesterday, you’re not only learning a new way to have sex – you’re learning a different way to look at and think about sex and that’s not going to make what to do any easier unless you commit yourself to making it easy for yourself and, yeah, pick the right person to have your first time with.

And that’s a whole different scribble…

 

Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: Living with Bisexuality

It’s easier than a lot of people think it is, believe it or not. One of the curious things I’ve seen over the years has been how many bisexuals feel as if they’re living two different lives with their bisexual one being a secret. I know about this, I’ve had a lot of bisexuals tell me that this is how it feels to them and while I’ve never really figured out how this manifests itself, I do know that it gives a lot of bisexuals fits and other complications because of this sense of living two lives…

When, in fact, they’re still only living one life but one with a more… open sexual aspect – yeah, let’s call it that. When you have this thing about both men and women, there is an implied duality in place (and so much for this not being as binary as some folks insist it can’t be) and even in this, a lot of bisexuals still kinda tend to think men or women and, as such, they’re two different things and, seemingly, not really connected.

I remember talking to Cityman about this and him being very worried about finding a balance when, in reality – and as I said to him – this isn’t about balance: It’s about integration and literally merging this “new” aspect with everything else you have going on in your life. The only change that actually happens is instead of wanting to have sex in the preferred boy/girl way, there’s the added thing of sex in the same-sex mode and what tends to bake a lot of noodles trying to integrate this into their daily lives is continuing to think one or the other when, um, when you wanna get laid, either one will work… and provided you’ve taken the plunge and discovered that it really does work.

When Cityman asked me how I achieved balance, I told him that I never did because I don’t think that’s possible but my bisexuality is literally a part of me and just like, say, being a musician is and, as such, if there was a time where I thought of this as being two different things – and I’m not sure if I ever did (but probably), I figured out that this was just a part of the whole and now, when deciding that I want and need to get laid, it’s just a question of availability more than having to employ a whole different “mindset” and like a lot of bisexuals tend to attempt to do.

The key to this is one of those Captain Obvious things: Whether I can get some pussy or some dick, neither of those things really gets in the way of doing whatever I have to do in the course of my “normal” day and whatever the day has in store for me could include getting laid… or it might not and there’s not one of us, regardless to sexuality, who doesn’t know what this is like.

I’ve been asked, “Well, how do you make up your mind about who you wanna sleep with?” and the question is always about the “who” being a male or female. My answer is, “It doesn’t matter and, yeah, I have no qualms about being able to have both whenever possible.” It’s an answer that, to some, doesn’t make sense but that’s usually because, again, even bisexuals tend to think that they either want a woman or a man… but not thinking or considering that either one gets the bulldog fed… if the thing you prefer to do above all else is to have sex. Yes, you still have to be able to find someone who’s willing and even available… and that’s not any different from what everyone does and that includes people in a relationship.

And, really: Who among us doesn’t know what it’s like to have a great need to get laid… but life and the things you have to do tends to make sure it’s not going to happen when you’d like it to? If there is a, let’s say, “duplication of thought,” it’s thinking about whether pussy is what you need or it’s a nice hard dick but, ideally, it shouldn’t matter as long as the need to get laid gets taken care of… and whenever that happens. There’s convenience and opportunity to be considered and, again, this is just a part of everyone’s every day life; we tend to get all into “who” we wanna get nasty with and that’s pretty normal but when you’re bisexual, “who” can be anyone, male or female, you can convince that having sex with you wouldn’t be a bad thing to do.

A lot of people, I think, get into this living two different lives thing because they’re still thinking that this is two different things… and it isn’t so much and even if no one else knows that they’re bisexual and by this I mean no one that knows them is aware of this and, hence, the secret bisexual life. I get it – it’s just how some people think until they are able to understand that even if their bisexuality is a secret, um, nothing has actually changed other than having that “option” when one wants to get laid. We tend to “break it down” to things you do in the opposite sex mode and how we go about that and things in the same sex mode being a different set of criteria and this, too, seems to be normal… until one gets around to thinking that how you go about getting some sex is the same process: You gotta find someone willing to have sex with you; you have to convince them that it’s not going to be a mistake and that it’s going to be worth their while and all that other stuff that everyone goes through because it’s still very much a part of our every day lives.

A lot of people make living with bisexuality harder than it has to be. As a guy, I have that very bad case of sex on the brain and, as a bisexual male, it includes pussy and dick… not one or the other and as many tend to think. Now it’s just a question of availability and, of course, whether or not I even wanna be bothered with going through “the process” to begin with… because there are other things that require my attention and/or takes priority. This sense of dual lives, it seems to me, comes about when bisexuals continue to think like heterosexuals or, yeah, homosexuals. That “one or the other but not both” thing that’s been going on since forever. I’ve seen in others that when they’re thinking like this, it does tend to make living with bisexuality a problem and, yeah, sheesh, is that thing that gets so many bisexuals thinking about what is preferred or which thing is more preferred over the other when, at least in my opinion, the thing to be preferred over anything is… having sex and being intimate with someone else and that they’re male or female doesn’t really make a difference, you know, as long as they can meet one’s criteria in this.

Okay, yeah, you might be thinking that I make this sound easy… and I know it isn’t. I’ve had the advantage of being bisexual for a very, very large part of my life so I’ve had both the time and experiences to be able to see and learn that I’m not living two different lives: It’s all the same life but with expanded sexual preferences. Once I figured this out, all that “do you prefer men or women” stuff meant nothing to me because the answer is, “Yes!” because in my mind, it’s always men and women because, um, yeah, I’m bisexual. Duh, right? I “prefer” to have sex because doing so is still a part of my existence and when it comes to “who,” well, it’s whomever is available and willing to engage with me… and that’s not any different from what anyone has to contend with and, yep, regardless to sexuality.

“That’s an interesting way to look at it…”

I don’t recall who said that to me but I do remember telling them that it just makes sense to look at it this way and in a way that doesn’t make me insane or have me making shit more complicated than it already is. Despite the dual nature of bisexuality, I am still one person. One life and, yep, a dual sexual preference, but still one person. I’ve already proven to myself that sex with men and women works very well for me and that’s integration, not balance. It’s all one thing: Sexual intimacy and the understanding that I can achieve it with men and women and even more so when I know that with a couple of exceptions, there’s nothing that can be done with a woman that can’t be done with a man and those exceptions are anatomical and obviously so.

Whether the opportunity presents itself is something else and we know how much of a clusterfuck that can be and the clusterfuck is included in the everyday aspects of our lives. And then, there’s this: Bisexuality didn’t just change the way I have sex; it changed the way I think about sex, too. I took all of that stuff that got crammed into my head about having sex and got rid of it and not only learned another way to do the nasty, but an entirely different way of thinking about it. Not so much “who…” but “what.” Doesn’t matter if I’m dick-deep in pussy or happily sucking dicks with a guy but I’m having sex and being intimate and that is just a part of my life… and just as it is for a lot of people.

How do you live with it? Um, by doing what you “normally” do and according to whatever priorities and other stuff you have in place so that you can get through one day to the next with the minimum of difficulty and when that’s even possible since, um, sometimes, it ain’t but, again, that’s not any different from any other day we wind up experiencing. We all play the “Getting Laid” game and we’ve been playing it since we became sexually active and, yep, we either make this an easy thing to do or make it as hard as trying to count the grains of sand on a beach… because our life experiences tend to fuck with us like this. That sense of living two different lives is… an illusion but one that a lot of people can’t see through and that’s probably because they’ve overly complicated it and just flat out overthinking it in favor of any modicum of simplicity.

It’s one of those if/then/else equations: If I wanna get laid, then I gotta find someone who’s gonna let me get next to them like that and regardless to them being male or female; else, there are other things that I have to do on top of trying to figure this one out as well. It’s either going to happen… or it isn’t. Nothing different going on here and it’s not the balancing or juggling act that, again, a lot of bisexuals think it is.

How do I really live with being bisexual? It’s because to me, it’s just as normal as breathing is and with some exceptions, I don’t think about breathing all that much because, um, my sexuality is just as much a part of me as breathing is, or being a musician, or being any- and everything else I am. The opportunities don’t always present themselves and this, too, just just a part of the whole just as other priorities tend to cock-block the shit out of, well, everyone. I just happen to be one of those people for whom pussy and/or dick will serve the purpose… because it just does and I do have a responsibility to myself to not make myself insane making choices that, in actuality, I don’t have to make other than what everyone has to do: Find someone who’s willing and able to have sex with you.

Otherwise? My life as a bisexual isn’t “all that different” from anyone else’s. Shit, the most difficult part of my day is deciding what I wanna have for dinner and that, at least to me, is way harder than being bisexual is… and is still a singular aspect of everyone’s daily life, huh? I’ve heard people say, “Well, why settle for hamburger when you could have steak?” and like hamburger is a bad thing or some lesser thing… when you can turn a Porterhouse steak into hamburger. In this analogy, I might want that Porterhouse… but a plain ole hamburger will also feed the need because it can. Do I prefer shrimp or lobster? Yes. Liver? Oh, fuck no! Fried fish or sushi? Yes. Dick or pussy? Hell, yes and if I can have them both at the same time? Even better.

One person. One life. A different way to have sex and a different way of thinking about it that’s really not different other than what’s included as a part of who I am. Not two different things: Just one thing that doesn’t have the exclusions others have.

Just another day. Just a part of my life as a whole and being able to see it as such and because looking at it any other way is a headache I really don’t wanna be bothered with and it doesn’t make sense to self-induce headaches when I can eliminate the source of them by integrating this aspect of myself into everything else that makes me who I am. Is it easy? Nope, because you do have to change the way you think about sex to be able to see bisexuality as one thing that is well and truly part of the whole and not the two things it sure as hell feels like… and not everyone can do it but it can be done.

 

Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: “Wow…”

That was the first thing “Gary” was able to say as I sat up, let his cock fall from my mouth, and licked my lips to savor the salty-sweet taste of his cum and all while taking a very close look at him.

He was beet-red, breathing heavily, hair plastered on his head an in an amusing way; he looked… surprised with the classic dinner plate eyes that were blinking pretty fast and jaw dropped in… disbelief? It was hard to read him at this moment but what I was seeing wasn’t anything I hadn’t seen before with guys experiencing a blow job from a guy for the first time.

“You okay?” I asked as I watched his chest rise and fall as well as seeing the moment his wide open eyes lost that “glassy” look.

“Yeah, wow,” he said again. “I had no idea this could be so… intense.”

I wanted to laugh at this because I knew that I had taken it easy on him; subjecting him to how intense I could really get when sucking dick could have had some unwanted reactions.

“Hmm, did I mention that it can be one hell of an experience?” I asked.

“You did… I just didn’t think it would be like that,” he said.

And I wasn’t all that surprised that he said that because a lot of guys somehow have it in their head that having a guy suck them off is so very different. Before the fact, I did my “duty” and talked at length to him about what he was getting himself into when he let me know that he was very interested in finding out what it was like to be sucked by a guy and do some sucking himself and his hope that I was “the guy” who’d be willing to show him the ropes, as he had put it.

Another of those… disconnects. I can tell you what to expect but sometimes it doesn’t really prepare a guy all that much since a lot of guys are very much of a mind that a guy sucking their dick is so very different from a gal doing it… and even when I had told Gary that the only real difference was who was doing it. I had listened to him telling me how long he’d been trying to do this and how many times he had failed in the past; I could tell by the way he was talking that he was unsure about whether or not he really wanted to experience this as well as expressing his concerns about not being able to “return the favor” and as he said he also wanted to experience.

“We’ll worry about that later,” I had said. “Let’s get you through the first part and the first thing I’d like for you to do is to relax and just breathe normally.”

Gary had no problem being naked with me or seeing me just as naked; some guys can’t get past this part easily but as I sat next to him and as he was lying on his back, my biggest concern was him being tense and breathing rapidly enough for him to hyperventilate and pass out… and I’d seen that happen quite a few times.

“There is nothing I’m going to do that a woman hasn’t done to you,” I said. “Don’t worry about cumming in my mouth because that’s exactly what I want you to do so if you needed “permission,” it’s given, okay?”

Gary just nodded. I carefully put my hand on his thigh to, one get him used to being touched in this way by a guy but to also feel how tense he was – and he was practically vibrating under my hand which has me saying to him – again – “Relax. Breathe. If you think it’ll help, you can close your eyes and when you’re ready, just say you’re ready, okay?”

“Okay,” he said. “Jesus… I don’t believe this is happening!”

“Remember, you can say “stop” at any time and for any reason,” I reminded him; I had noticed that I didn’t feel his body trembling as much as it was a moment ago and that his breathing was… better. He wasn’t hard… yet but that wasn’t something I found to be unusual.

“Ready,” he said a few moments later. “I don’t fucking believe this…”

“Okay, here goes,” I said quietly. I began by just touching him; his chest and nipples and just feeling my way down his body; I rested my hand on his stomach and felt the muscles there fluttering and said, “Relax…” I looked up at him to see him nod and I really do wish you could have seen the look on his face. I took his dick in hand and used my other hand to cup his balls; that his body reacted like he’d been shocked was expected because, again, a lot of guys just believe that it’s different than being touched this way by a woman.

Then I just went down on him, planting a few kisses on his knob and shaft before taking all of his limpness in and swirling my tongue around; I felt him beginning to harden quickly before he gasped at the contact – so much for him telling me that he didn’t think he’d be able to get it up. I sucked him slowly which ran counter to the way I just wanted to devour him but this was his first time and fully giving in to my own lust, again, could have a negative effect on him.

“God, that feels good,” he said. “Don’t stop.”

So I didn’t, not like I was going to unless he said stop in the way that really meant stop. It didn’t take him very long before his body was automatically fucking into my mouth and I just let him do it as he wanted to while alternating between applying suction or not and letting my tongue just wander over his dick. So far, Gary was handling this very new thing and, I thought, way better than he believed he’d be able to. For me, it was all very comfortable and, in a way, kinda clinical because this wasn’t about me – this was all about him and despite what I was doing to his dick, I was very much paying attention to him for any signs that he was in distress… and signs that I’d seen way too many times before.

“Oh, shit… I’m gonna cum!” he blurted out… and for me, it wasn’t necessary for him to announce that since I’d been feeling those little tremors running through his dick and how often he was softening just a little before getting hard again. I knew he was watching me suck his dick and I didn’t have to look up to know he was so I just nodded and picked up the pace a little and, yeah, even indulging myself by taking him deep over and over. His body was so “out of control” at this point; his breathing was fast and heavy and he was thrusting into my mouth a bit faster. Oh, he was so very close and now it was about shoving him right over the edge.

I felt his dick swell in my mouth and just before I heard him groan and curse; that first shot of cum blasted into my mouth and, oh, my, there was a lot of it; yeah, so much for him saying that he was sure he wouldn’t be able to cum like this. I just held him in my mouth as he emptied his balls, moaning, groaning, cursing and going back to fucking my mouth a little until he was back to being limp in my mouth.

That’s when I sat up and looked at him and heard him say, “Wow…” Yep, he was going to be fine… but this wasn’t over with and I’m not talking about him sucking my dick. I’ve seen guys be in this moment then the clarity returns and, sometimes, that’s when the shit hits the fan as the guy realizes what just happened and how totally forbidden it is and for some, when this moment goes bad, it really goes bad. And it’s part of my duty to make sure it doesn’t go bad and with Gary, it began with me asking him if he was okay.

We talked for a few minutes because I found it helps some guys to deal with what just happened when they can tell me how they’re feeling and what, if anything, they might have been thinking. You might think, “What is there to talk about?” and in a way, you’d be right but, again, unless you’ve seen this go horribly wrong, just letting the guy talk things out is a good thing. When I tell you that I’ve seen guys suddenly break down and have a crying fit or, jeez, throw up, I’m not even kidding about that; I’ve seen guys have full-blown panic attacks and very major guilt trips.

For Gary, none of the bad stuff appeared… but I knew that this didn’t mean that once he had the time to really think about it, it could pay him a visit and exactly why I had made it clear that if he had any problems later on, he should call me. For now, Gary was fine and that’s all that mattered. Still, there was yet another moment of truth waiting for him and he knew it because he had asked, “I guess it’s my turn to do you, huh?”

“Not if you don’t want to or can’t,” I said. I had let him know that sometimes and after a guy cums, whatever else he had plans on doing might not happen because they were no longer in the mood to do anything else.

“It’s only fair, right?” he asked.

“It’s not about being fair at this moment,” I said. “You’re going through something a lot of guys have major problems going through and if you find that you can’t or don’t want to suck me, then I’m not expecting you to and I’m more than understanding.”

“How can you be so cool about this?” he asked.

“Because I have to be,” I said. “I’ve seen way too many guys have their first experience and the other guy has left them hanging or some other dastardly shit like that… and I’m not trying to be that guy – I do have a reputation to uphold.”

“Just give me a minute, okay?” he asked.

“Take your time,” I said. “You’ll know if you’re ready or not and, again, if you aren’t, it’s no big deal.”

I thought I could see the moment in his eyes when he decided to suck me and just before he politely asked if I’d lay flat for him, which I did and without taking my eyes off of him because experience had taught me that if a guy didn’t freak out being sucked, when attempting to suck a dick, that’s when the freak-out can happen.

“I’m not sure what to do,” he said, looking up and back at me.

“Remember what I said? That easiest way is to go about it as you’d want someone to do it to you?” I reminded him. “You don’t have to just go for it in one fell swoop; you can do what I did and just touch me until you feel comfortable and ready. Don’t worry – you can touch me in any way you want to.”

“Right,” he said… and he started touching me, tentatively at first, but with growing confidence. I didn’t laugh – and like I wanted to – when he asked me to turn over so he could “massage” my back and mess with my butt cheeks for a moment or two before asking me to turn back over. For me, it was important to just let him do whatever he felt like doing at this point and not do or say anything that might be perceived as putting any pressure on him. By this time, I was seriously hard and I watched him just staring at my dick for a long moment before he wrapped his hand around me and cupped my balls – and almost exactly what I’d done to him.

“I don’t believe I’m about to do this,” he said – either to me or to himself or maybe all of the above. At this point, it was important for me to stay still as he worked it all out in his head to make the go/no decision and I actually felt him “flinch” a little as the decision was made and he lowered his head and kissed the head of my dick, then licked it, and then took it into his mouth and, yeah, I gasped despite not wanting to do or say anything that might freak him out in this moment.

He wound up taking a bit too much of me and it prompted me to say to him, “Never try to do more than you’re able to do, okay?”

He nodded his understanding and kept sucking me until it was becoming difficult for me to stay still along with some moaning and groaning of my own and interspersed with telling him how good it felt and that sentiment was no bullshit confidence builder. The longer he sucked me, the more confident and, dare I say, bold he got; at one point, he stopped sucking me to suck my balls which, honestly, I didn’t expect but, again, this was about what Gary wanted to do more than anything I might have wanted. I could feel “the pressure” building up inside of me and more so when I really don’t know what it is about guys who are new to sucking dick that just makes me want to lose it in a hurry.

“You’re gonna make me cum,” I said to him and as I had promised I would. In my experiences, there is nothing that can be worse for a first time guy than to suddenly wind up with a mouthful of cum and one that he didn’t know was, well, coming. This is also that moment when a new guy has the option to stop or keep going… and I never really know what he’s gonna do; I’ve been with guys who prefer not to get that mouthful, get the warning, and they just keep going anyway or, yep, they stop. No biggie either way because, once more, this is about him.

Gary nods and moans his understanding of the warning… and kept at it until all pretense of being in control of myself got kicked to the curb – and I came in his mouth. I can tell you that it’s very difficult to do this and keep an eye on the new guy for any signs of distress but I somehow managed it and saw that… look he got on his face and that “chipmunk cheek” thing that some guys do in this moment; he was deciding whether the taste agreed with him or not and also deciding to spit it out – and as I told him he could – or swallow it – and I had told him that he didn’t have to. Gary had a moment as he swallowed and for a moment, I was “afraid” that he was going to throw up… and on me – yep, that’s happened before and it ain’t pretty.

But he didn’t and to his credit, swallowed my cum and kept sucking me until I got soft.

“Did I do okay?” he asked and I knew he was asking because he did think he’d be any good at doing this, to which I had said that the only way to find out is to do it.

“You did okay and then some,” I said honestly and truthfully.

“It’s not that bad,” he said.

“What isn’t?” I asked.

“Doing it and, um, tasting it,” he said. “I just hope you liked it.”

“I did and, to be honest, I’m not sure if you were being truthful when you said you’d never done this before,” I replied. Yeah, I know he hadn’t but I’ve seen guys take to this instantly and like they’ve been doing it all of their lives and while it took him a few moment to adjust to it, yeah, it was like this wasn’t new to him at all… plus I wanted to make him laugh, which he did.

“Wow, that was… something,” he said as he lay down next to me. “So now what?”

“That depends on you,” I said. “How are you feeling?”

“Good. Excited. Tired.” he said. “I had hoped that this would be everything I thought it would be, you know?”

“Yeah, I know… and was it?” I asked. This is a key moment and one where guys tend to beat themselves up over doing something that they wanted to do but knew they weren’t supposed to.

“It was and thanks, before I forget,” he said. “I don’t know why it took me so long to actually do this!”

“A lot of guys say that,” I said with a laugh but, then again, I knew he’d say something to that effect.

“Um, ah, do you think we can do this again?” he asked.

“If you want to, it’s fine with me,” I said. “This is your moment.”

And, yes, he wanted to go again and for both of us, it was better than the first time; it never fails to amaze me how some guys just adapt so quickly to this and I gave him major props for wanting to 69 this time although I had suggested that side by side would be best… at this point.

We’d showered together afterward and we talked or, really, he talked and I listened and this, too, is something I’ve always deemed to be so very important after a first experience. The funny part was when he noticed how closely I was paying attention to him and he said, “You’re looking at me like you’re expecting me to explode or something!”

“That’s not far from the truth,” I said. “Like I told you, I’ve seen guys go through some major shit after their first time and none of it is good so it’s important to me to know that before I leave, you really are okay.”

“I feel good and okay,” he said after a moment of thought. “As a matter of fact, what are you doing tomorrow?”

I laughed and said, “I have a sneaking suspicion about what you wouldn’t mind doing.”

“That obvious, huh?” he asked and joined in the laughter.

This was a good “wow” moment for Gary and one that I was glad I was able to provide. You just don’t toss a guy into this and expect him to sink or swim and when it’s likely he’s going to sink. You take the time to explain it all and in as much detail as possible so that the new guy can make an informed decision on whether he really wants to do this or not. You always give them the chance to just walk away and without fear of repercussion as well as not putting any pressure on them to do anything at all. It takes a lot for a guy to think about taking the plunge and even more to actually go through with it and that must always be respected and appreciated. I remember Gary telling me after our fourth or fifth time together that I could have done anything I wanted to him…

And I told him that while I appreciated that, it would have been the wrong thing to do at the time because, first and foremost, none of that first time was about me other than wanting to provide it and in the most enjoyable way possible. When he asked me why that was so important to me, I told him this:

“Because I didn’t have the benefit of someone explaining it all to me; I got… tossed in and it was probably pure luck that I was more than okay with it,” I said. “I just don’t think it’s right to just throw a guy into the deep end and not knowing or caring if he can swim or not because, like I told you, I’ve seen this go very, very wrong and that’s not gonna happen on my watch if I can help it.”

A very immoral act but one done responsibly… because no other way makes any damned sense.

 

Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: “Is This All There Is?”

I was attending a week-long seminar and the evening of the second day found me sitting in the hotel bar after dinner, not because I wanted to drink but because I just wasn’t ready to go back to my room and since it was raining like crazy, going for a walk was out of the question. As I sat and pondered the rest of the seminar’s agenda to come, a guy came in and took the bar stool a couple of spots from where I sat; we did the “up nod” greeting and we both kinda mumbled, “How you doing?” He started drinking and I was considering getting another drink when he broke the silence between us by asking if I was attending the seminar and like he was.

I said that I was and kinda half-smiled/half-grimaced when he said that he thoughts to and that I looked familiar and inside my head, I was kinda laughing because I was the only Black guy attending the seminar so, um, I wouldn’t have been that hard to miss – but I didn’t say that to him. But it was a decent ice-breaker and he moved to the stool next to me and we were talking about… stuff – our respective jobs and organizations, how long we’d been there, where we were from; you know, stuff.

After maybe his third or fourth drink – and I was barely through my second – the conversation turned to more personal things like being married with kids and the trials and tribulations of raising a family. After a while, I excused myself to hit the men’s room and upon my return, not only did I find that he had bought me a drink, he had a question for me:

“Is all there is to sex just about women?”

I didn’t expect that but I probably should have; I took a sip of my drink, kinda sighed, and said, “No, not really.”

He launched in to a monologue about how much he loved his wife and enjoyed having sex with her but felt like there was something missing and that he felt as if he’d run into a sexual wall. I allowed that a lot of guys – married or not – tend to feel this way and more so when women, well, they can be funny about having sex because they operate under different conditions than us guys did.

“So what else is there?” he asked – and now there’s a clock running in my head and telling me that I only had a few scant seconds to make a few decisions, from answering his question and on to what else there was so I flipped a coin in my head and answered him.

“A lot of guys, um, find that doing something with other guys is what they’re missing and some even get it in their head that sex with men is a next step kind of thing,” I said.

“Yeah, I thought so,” he said. “What do you know about that?”

“Probably more than a lot of guys,” I said, thinking there was no point in trying to be evasive considering I had already said something about it.

He sat straight up, not so much in a surprised kind of way but in a way that “said” that I’d gotten his attention. He said, “I don’t mean to pry…” and he didn’t have to finish the statement that I knew would end in a question so I took another sip of my drink and without going into great detail, told him how I knew that sex with women wasn’t all there was to having sex.

When I finished saying all I was gonna say about it, he was deep in thought processing what I’d said about sucking dick and fucking/being fucked and how normal and natural all of that seemed to be… and I’m sitting there waiting for the other shoe to drop and the moment when he was going to propose that, um, he gets introduced to this alternative form of sex. But the shoe didn’t drop; he just nodded and said that this was some good information to know. Against my protests, he paid his tab and mine and said that he’d see me at the seminar tomorrow and that he had a lot of thinking to do.

To shorten this part of things, ah, um, he got introduced to cock sucking the next night and, um, needed several moments to decide that not only was this the thing he was missing but it was something he could get very used to. He had asked me, “It is unusual for guys like me to go this route?”

“No, it isn’t,” I said. “I’m not really sure but it has always seemed to me that when men run into that sexual wall, doing what we’ve been doing just seems to be the next logical choice. It somehow goes from not making any sense at all to making all the sense in the world.”

And a lot of years after that event, I still don’t quite know how this makes the transition from “I ain’t ever gonna do that shit” to “I wonder why I never did this before now” and, again, go from making no good sense to some kind of a no-brainer. My… disadvantage in this is that I’ve never been in the position to make such a transition and like a lot of guys tend to be in and I’m sure that because I didn’t, it doesn’t exactly lend itself to being able to fully understand it except what I’ve learned from the many guys who have been in this situation and discovered that sex with women isn’t the alpha and omega of things.

It’s a bold step into unknown territory and one that comes with a huge disconnect in that it’s not like we don’t know that men have sex with each other but knowing it is one thing… and doing it yourself is, classically, an entirely different animal. And, yeah, women aren’t immune to the disconnect or the transition. It is not – and as some seem to think it is – exchanging one mode of sex for another mode; it is an inclusion and it can be a very confusing one due to people having said over all this time that people are either straight or they’re gay and finding out that you can be both, well, there you have it and now it’s a matter of whether this inclusion works and serves the purpose or not. Ironically, those who take the initial transitional steps are often of a mind that, nah, this ain’t working but upon further review, yeah – this can work and more so when many of these folks find that you don’t have to give up one thing to have the other.

Back to that moment. After his… initiation, he was pensive and thoughtful and I was pretty sure what was going on inside his head so when he asked, “How do you deal with the guilt?” I wasn’t surprised and I launched into the whole moral issue involved and including that a lot of what he was feeling wasn’t actually having a guilty conscious. Yeah, he just cheated on his wife and I aided and abetted in that and there was no excuse for it, well, no excuse that polite society would find acceptable.

“The moral conundrum isn’t easy to get past,” I eventually said. “Like anything else we do, there are always consequences and we have to decide on whether we’re going to accept the consequences of our actions or not. I’m not cheating on my wife because we have an agreement that shapes our open relationship because we came to understand that both of us are going to have needs that we can’t do anything about and I don’t know about you but there’s is nothing more miserable than living with someone who is being deprived. Yeah, it’s something that a lot of people think is totally fucked up but we weren’t of a mind to let something like this destroy not only our relationship but ourselves as well.”

Indeed, the aforementioned conundrum tends to fuck a lot of people up because they can’t seem to easily parse how something that’s said to be so forbidden can feel so right, normal, and natural. When he mentioned this – and I knew he would – I told him about the question I had asked myself after my initiation and that the answer was, “It feels good because it’s supposed to feel good… and it’s bad because everyone believes it is. I, um, have reason to believe otherwise.”

In between moments, we talked about how a lot of couples try to spice things up and trying to recapture the early moments of their relationship when the sex was crazily off the chain; I spoke to how this phenomenon isn’t something that just people in a relationship wind up dealing with and that a lot of single people also ask if having sex in one way only is all there is to having sex. Again, that disconnect I mentioned earlier comes into play because it’s not like we don’t know about homosexual sex; it’s just that few people can easily wrap their head around the fact that it’s something they can actually get into… and without having to be homosexual and in that steady-state we think just being straight or gay “has” to be.

When you’re bisexual, you learn some shit about having sex that our morality would prefer you never learn. It can’t do anything about finding out that sex really isn’t boy/girl, boy/boy/ or girl/girl or finding out that sex can be all of the above and it does do all it can do to prevent you from dipping your toes in to test the waters or, gasp, finding out that this ain’t as bad as it’s said to be. Whether or not one can find reason to dip their toes in is a whole different matter but, yeah, a lot of people do and they find out that being able to have sex in this was is the thing they were missing. It’s not being greedy or so much of a matter of not being able to have enough sex but more of a thing that simply says that having sex in the monosexual way of things just isn’t the only way to have sex…

If one can be bold and daring enough to take that step into the unknown… and the truth is twofold: Some people are that bold and daring and even out of some sense of urgent necessity… and some people just aren’t.

At one point, the guy had just made me cum and became pensive again; he asked, “Why does this feel so goddamned normal?”

“Because it is,” I said. “We’re just made to believe that it isn’t. What fucks people up about this is that they find that whatever they thought they knew about sex and intimacy is woefully incomplete or, really, they only know about one aspect of it. Most people, upon taking the plunge, expect it to be so… alien but as they’re getting into it, they find that it’s not all that alien and, like you said, that it’s not as bad as they thought it would be. It’s quite the shock to the system, isn’t it?”

“So everything I was told about this was a lie?” he asked.

“Only in that it’s more of a lie of omission,” I said. “You were told the truth… just not all of it and it’s even one of those semantical arguments because what we’ve been told is that we shouldn’t have sex like this… not that we can’t have sex like this.”

“Right… because if we couldn’t, it would be physically impossible,” he said, coming to the same conclusion that a lot of bisexuals become very aware of..

On night #4, we talked about fucking and whether or not it was mandatory and I allowed that for some it is and for others not so much, plus it’s not something that one can, ah, easily adjust to and, yep, it really does hurt going in and either a little or a whole lot. He wanted to try it – and I knew he would before the matter even came up and he learned something about himself and some of it didn’t sit well, like not being able to stay hard while trying to enter me.

“Don’t worry about it – it happens,” I said to him. “It’s a mental block that some guys just can’t remove because who doesn’t know what comes out of that place?”

He learned that being screwed wasn’t all that bad but, yeah, something that one has to learn to get used to. I pointed out to him that while a lot of guys believe that fucking is mandatory, it really isn’t if you find that it’s something you just can’t do, adjust to, or feel all that comfortable with. In the end he determined that blowing each other was easier.

In this, it’s not just about finding out that there’s more to having sex than what you’ve been told; it’s also finding out what works and what doesn’t and that’s mostly through trial and error and, as I told him, “Going forward – and if you even do – you will find that your experiences will most definitely vary and you just might get to a point where you’ll change your mind about doing something you previously didn’t find to your liking all that much. A lot of this is… situational; it’s the right/wrong thing to do in the right/wrong situation and with the right/wrong person. Don’t be surprised if, somewhere down the road, you blow a guy and it’s the yuckiest thing ever but the next time – and even with the same guy – it’s the greatest thing since sliced bread.”

“This is complicated, isn’t it?” he asked.

“Only if you make it that way,” I said. “Or when someone else tries to complicate it for you. See, everyone has this idea of what this is supposed to be like but not always able to see the bigger picture and what it can be like and, mostly, dependent upon how you’re feeling. Don’t be surprised if, one day, you find that you wanna stick it in someone’s ass and your dick stays as hard as a rock and when you’re expecting it not to. It’s a… process.”

I don’t know what he did about any of this once the seminar was over and everyone went home. As I was flying home, I was… happy to have been able to show someone that there is more to this sex thing than we’ve been made to believe and that the other option really isn’t as bad as we’ve been told or may have heard. Yes – a lot of the horror stories are very real and we do tend to assume that if it went wrongly for someone, it’s going to go just as wrongly for us but it remains true that it can only go wrong when it does go wrong… and that if you fervently believe it will, Mr. Murphy is going to make sure that your worst nightmare will be made real.

Making the transition is… a process and not an easy one for a lot of people. I have seen way too many men and women say that this is something they could never do or have reason to… only to get severely shocked to find that not only do they have a reason to but they can do it… and like they’ve been doing it this way all along. I don’t pretend to understand how this works – I just know it does and works even better once one can sort it all out in their heads. Again, some people just can’t work it out and some find themselves being able to work it out somewhere down the road…

But it remains true that boy/girl, boy/boy, and girl/girl aren’t the only viable options when one feels like there’s something missing; all of the above is also a viable option if one is willing to take that step into the unknown. Many take and adjust to bisexuality like it’s no big deal… and some, again, just can’t; having the potential to be bisexual and being bisexual in both thought and deed is something that not everyone can do and even if they think they can or, yeah, get their eyes pinned open to find out that they can not only do the “unthinkable,” it’s what they’ve been missing in their sexual life and, yup, it ain’t really all that bad.

 

Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: What Is It, Really?

Well, most bisexuals would tell you that bisexuality is the best of both worlds. Despite how the definition of the word has been sliced, diced, and mutilated beyond recognition, it’s either emotional, physical, or both.

What it can be depends on you.

One of the things that tends to constantly take me out to lunch and often get me feeling confused is how so many people tend to go out of their way to overly describe something that is, basically, rather simple. You’re either into men and women in some way… or you aren’t. Even with the inclusion of gender identity, all that seems to do is add some… extra stuff that, at least in my opinion, only serves to make this even more confusing and less in the way of simplicity and the current lexicon – cis-this, cis-that, non-binary, etc., just tends to make me get that look on my face and often reminds me of a James Brown song that went, “Just talkin’ loud and sayin’ nothing!”

Is it just sex? It can be. Is it more emotionally binding? It can be. To the question of what should you do about it, I tend to do that “bad thing” of answering a question with a question: What do you wanna do about it? I can tell you a whole lot about being bisexual… but I can’t tell someone what they should do. I can speak to what easily enough but, jeez, the talking heads in favor of bisexuality seem to want to make this a “one size fits all” kind of thing which I’m thinking is unrealistic since we are all very different and all up and down the line; what works for me could work for someone else but it might not.

To be able to answer the question of what you should do about it, you need to answer some other questions and beginning with what do you need? What do you want to get out of being bisexual? I sometimes think that because this has become a SNAFU kind of thing – and that’s Situation Normal, All Fucked Up if you didn’t know what it means – that it’s hard for people to answer those two questions while everyone around them are offering up a lot of different takes on what bisexuality is, what it should look like, and how it’s supposed to go… but not advocating simplicity and the lack of it only lends itself to a lack of clarity.

In the movie, “Star Trek III – The Search for Spock,” Captain Scott said, after doing a number on the USS Excelsior and left it broken down just outside of space dock, “The more they overthink the plumbing, the easier it is to stop up the drain.” And that’s pretty much what we’re doing with bisexuality and, I dunno, like it just can’t be what it really is and what it has always been. Not men or women but men and women and in whatever way works for someone.

I get that as individuals, we have to define it for ourselves but it always begins with feeling some kind of way about men and women and “equally,” well, yeah, doesn’t really work like that. What turns this into a cluster fuck is that a lot of us just don’t stop there then go on to figuring out what they wanna do about it; no, we just gotta slice and dice it down to the nth degree and maybe because that’s just the way we are or, again, perhaps we’re of a mind that there’s no way it can be that simple…

When it actually is that simple.

Yep, at one point in my life, I caught myself overthinking it and of a mind that, uh-huh, it couldn’t really be that simple… could it? Turns out that it was that simple but what wasn’t simple were the things going on inside my head about it until I was able to simplify things and look at being bisexual in the simplest way I could and for no other reason than to stop giving myself massive headaches trying to figure out if there was more to this than what was apparently obvious.

And once I did that, it allowed me to see so many others just overly complicating the shit out of bisexuality and usually because the simplest answer somehow just didn’t make sense to them… and it still doesn’t seem to make sense today. I’m a fairly intelligent person… and I understand quantum physics a lot better than I do what people today are saying about bisexuality. I’m bisexual and that means that I’m both straight and gay physically and sometimes even emotionally and I included this part in my simple view of things once I fell head over heels in love with a guy and that, in a way, completed a circle of sorts and proof that bisexuality just wasn’t all about having a lot of sex… not that having a whole lot of sex is a bad thing.

“You make this sound so easy!“

Yeah, I know… because it really is that easy; what’s not so easy is getting deep down into the why of things and while there are a lot of similarities, there is a uniqueness to being bisexual that I’m not sure people today are able to see since the way I learned to be bisexual was to tailor it to my needs, thoughts, feelings, etc., while being fully aware of the possibilities. At the root of my bisexuality is having “a thing” for both men and women. Gender, the big and hot-button word of the day, isn’t and, I believe, shouldn’t have anything to do with this since when I learned the word, it meant the act of being male or female and according to social norms that were established a very long time ago… and some norms that a lot of people disagree with or feel that they don’t apply to them in any way. That doesn’t mean that changing one’s gender identity excludes them or otherwise prevents them from being bisexual so it’s a different which makes no difference.

Cityman – and like a lot of today’s bisexuals – throws the “G” word out there and like it really does make a difference when it comes to defining bisexuality… and whenever he does, I’ll ask him, “What does gender have to do with any of this?” and he – and like others I’ve asked this question – can’t really answer the question other than to parrot what’s being said about gender being an important aspect of bisexuality. What it does, if nothing else, is to further confuse something that, if you stuck to simplicity, isn’t all that confusing: You’re either – and still – into both men and women and in whatever way works for you… or you aren’t. I get that there’s a lot of focus on transgenders but despite whatever’s going on with them with this, um, they can be bisexual, too, so leaving them out of the conversation doesn’t make a lot of sense to me… but gender, well, it’s not really a factor other than to, again, remove the simplicity that’s always been there.

“You just don’t understand this like everyone else does; you’re old school and we’re the new school of thought!“

I thought that those who’ve said that to me just could have been right and I was just stuck in the “good old days” until I realized that I wasn’t all that stuck; it was just a thing that nothing those in the new school of thought was saying – and are still saying – really makes any sense as they go on and on describing and defining bisexuality in ways that isn’t, simply, having a thing for both men and women and the thing that, again, has always been at the root of bisexuality. Indeed, they’re looking for… something that doesn’t really exist and they’re of a mind to create some stuff to fill a “void” that, again, doesn’t really exist if one is able to take a huge step away from what’s being said and look at this… simply.

And if bisexuality wasn’t a bitch to wrap one’s head around to begin with, we’re not helping things by coining words that, when you get right down to it, is one being bisexual, like, heteroflexible. I’ve made it clear on many occasions about how much I dislike that word because it doesn’t mean anything other than another way to say “bisexual.” We are of a mind that frequency has everything to do with it… and it never did. I’ve been hearing, “It’s not something I’d do all of the time!” so much that my eyes just roll all by themselves because I know – and I’m very damned bisexual – that’s not something I do all of the time so this is yet another difference which makes no difference.

Or, “It’s only something I’d do with the right person and the right situation.” Well, fucking duh! Again, very damned bisexual and I only do stuff with the right person and the right situation… and just like anyone else goes about doing things – and another difference which makes no difference.

And if all of this wasn’t bad enough and a departure from simplistic clarity, let’s add in the sociopolitical cluster fuck that has emerged and how bisexuals are being urged to stand up for their right to be bisexual… and as if they never had that right to begin with. Yeah… there are people who ain’t fond of bisexuals and, as such, are of a mind that they shouldn’t be – that pick a side bullshit that’s been around – and that bisexuality isn’t real and those folks have yet to be able to explain to me that if this isn’t real, um, what the fuck are y’all pitching a bitch about, hmm? The bad part is that bisexuals are hearing this and the waters are getting even more muddied than it’s been made to be and making simplicity and clarity difficult to get to, well, for people who don’t see this the way I’ve been seeing it over all of these decades and that the simplest answer to what this is just happens to be the right answer.

Men and women. Hearts and parts and not all that inclusive as is being touted. We’ve overthought the plumbing so much that someone who is just about the dick – or just about the pussy – is considered to be some kind of fucked up if they’re not into the person the parts are attached to. We don’t have to worry about someone coming along and stopping up the drain – we’ve been doing one hell of a job doing that all by ourselves…

Because we can’t seem to look at this and accept how simple it really is. What one might do about this is just as simple and Captain Obvious simple: You’re either gonna do what can be done… or you aren’t. What’s even “funnier” is that we are also bitching about the binary nature of things and there’s a lot of angst toward being binary when, um, humans are pretty binary and it’s also a part of our ability to think and process things. I’ve asked those who are ranting and raving that we need to stop being binary that if you’re not male or female, um, what, exactly, are you? I’m sure that a DNA test will most definitely speak to the very binary nature of being human – the whole XX/XY thing. I get the whole thing about self-perception and I get that there are people who believe that they were born into the wrong body… and I get that those who perceives themselves in this way can be just as bisexual as I am.

Maybe we really do think/believe that this can’t be as simple as it appears to be and maybe we’re just not happy or content about things if we’re not keeping things simple and it’s in our nature to make mountains out of molehills. What is it really? It’s whatever you say it is and, wow, a lot of people are saying some pretty “interesting” shit about what they say it is… and just not of a mind to keep it simple. If we’re wondering why so many bisexuals are having issues and need to be in therapy and taking medications, well, it’s not because of what others are trying to kick our asses over:

It’s because we can’t embrace simplicity and, as such, we make this harder on ourselves and more complicated than it has to be and really is.