Today's Bisexual Thoughts: At the End of Any Day

We can talk about the biology of sexuality; we can also talk about the psychology of it as well as the sociology of being bisexual and in a world that is still much in favor of heterosexuality as the one and only way to be when it comes to love, sex, and relationships.

But at the end of any day, it comes down to two things: It’s either going to fit and work for the way you want/need to be… or it isn’t. It’s not so much of a thing about what one can do if/when they’ve chosen to adopt bisexuality as their “thing” or way to be but it is usually a thing of why one would decide that this is what works best for them, even in theory.

The what is easy – sex and/or emotional succor… but the why of it is something that’s been debated and argued over for as long as I can remember. At the most simplest of levels, why is pretty straightforward: Because we can if we want to but, as it usually turns out, that’s not good enough as reason to support a “true” sense of justification and because we do have to justify whatever we do – and humans have long since proved that we can justify anything we do even if that justification doesn’t make sense to anyone else.

We can debate and argue the right- or wrongness of, essentially, bucking the system until we are all blue in the face and, at the end of any day, it’s pretty much meaningless because people are always going to do what they think is best for them to do. So many people remain caught up in the way things are supposed to be and not without good reason because for many, the way things are supposed to be works fine for them but it’s not as if they lack any real awareness that “the way things are supposed to be” isn’t the only way things can be.

Our divisive, combative nature keeps coming to the front because, well, um, we’re still human after all and we can fuck things up so much that even among bisexuals, there’s little agreement when it comes to how to be bisexual and what one should do because they are. But this really isn’t as unusual or self-destructive as it appears to be because, again, at the end of any day, one is still going to keep their own council in this and do things the way they want to and to the best of their ability.

At the top of the pile, there’s the sex – duh, right? It’s not that we are really that ignorant of the fact that people have sex and sometimes in, ah, spectacular fashion that’s not always according to the way things are supposed to be. We know that “Bob, Carol, Ted, and Alice” have no business hanging out with each other over the weekend and having sex openly and freely with each other; we frown on it, cite is as immoral behavior which, at the end of any day, never stops such hedonistic acts from taking place… all across the planet.

We know and hold true that “Bob and Ted” have no business whatsoever having carnal knowledge of each other and insist that their sperm is put to better use being injected into “Carol and Alice” but monogamously so… which again, never stops this from happening anyway and for no other reason than it’s sex and it feels good to have sex. We’ve introduced some rebellion against the way things are supposed to be, not that this can’t be satisfying and fulfilling but, sure – if “Bob and Ted” can slake their hard-wired desire for sex upon each other, it removes a lot of the burden placed upon women who, these days, don’t have to provide sex if they don’t want to.

We know this… and continue to believe or otherwise hold true that this should not be, that there’s no good reason to defy moral and religious statutes solely for the pursuit of sexual pleasure and at the end of any day, we know that sticking with a premise that really doesn’t hold much water doesn’t make a whole lot of sense since, once more, people are doing it anyway.

Personally, I can’t begin to count the number of times I’ve been told that I don’t have to engage in sex in the way I do since, theoretically, there are an untold number of women who’d freely give up their bodies for sex and they’re right about that… while understanding that this isn’t – and never has been – a given. We ascribe a sense of greed into a behavior that, realistically, we understand even if we don’t always want to agree with the nature of ourselves – again, the way things are supposed to be versus the way things can be or, optimistically, the way things really are and have been throughout our evolution as a species.

We are the very social and sexual animals we profess not to be; we know of our proclivities for sex, from the vanilla and mundane to things that makes some of us ask, “Who does that?” We have, over all this time, been on a mission to reign in our behaviors and appetites for sex so that we can remain… civilized and not be enslaved to the biological imperative to have sex – and simply for the recreational reason for having it.

At best, the mission to separate us from our primal and basal urges has been, bit by bit, failing as more and more people are discovering and/or figuring out that the way things are supposed to be just isn’t the only way things can be. “Bob and Carol” can remain faithfully monogamous to each other and that’s all well and good but sometimes, that’s not enough and it’s always been within our nature to need more experiences in things that allow us to grow and to continue along our evolutionary path because becoming stagnant and static isn’t a good thing for us even if being this way sounds good on paper and provides a semblance of stability.

We know that “Bob and Carol” can have sex with each other and we know that they can add “Ted and Alice” to this and their experiences become expanded and in ways that we, again, tend to frown upon. But, at the end of any day – and in the face of these prohibitions – they’re still going to do whatever it is they feel best to do, not only for themselves but for everyone else involved.

That it can be “Bob and Ted” and “Carol and Alice” isn’t unknown to us but if it works for them, it just works for them, doesn’t it? The dynamic isn’t foolproof because, duh, people are involved but, still, at the end of any day, it’s either going to work or it isn’t… and we are seeing more and more people trying to find out if it will, in fact, work for them.

And in some pretty interesting ways and combinations, might I be allowed to add? Regardless of individual justifications, we buck the system because we can, that and humans are great at rebelling against authority; tell us we can’t do a thing and you’re pretty much giving us carte blanc to do it just to find out why we’re being told not to do it.

At the end of any day, there are many of us who aren’t going to stand for a bunch of very dead people still trying to tell us how to have sex and, yes – because this is what’s been happening for such a long time – that’s more of a reason to buck the system and get your freak on.

We don’t, so much, frown on women having sex with women, not like we do about men having sex with men. We do, in fact, hold women who are bisexual in a rather exalted way and, I guess, one could easily say that as long as, say, “Carol and Alice” are still getting dicked down by “Bob and Ted,” well, no harm, no foul. Except, at the end of any day, “Bob and Ted” are just vile heathens to have sex with each other even though they’re both laying the pipe to “Carol and Alice” and, yeah, without any exclusivity involved which, in the minds of many, makes those guys the worst offenders ever.

Because at the end of any day, we still believe and hold true that there’s only one way to engage in love, sex, and relationships when, again, we know this isn’t true; if it were, none of the fussing and fighting we’ve been doing over sex and sexuality would have never existed. We continue to see bi- and homosexuality as evils and any monogamous couple who steps away from what being monogamous means is also pretty evil and we are quick to point out any and every instance where taking these paths have proved detrimental… while glossing over the fact that these things work more than they fail… because if they always failed, we wouldn’t be doing these non-traditional and mandated things to, with, and for each other.

But since we can, we do. It’s either going to work – or it isn’t and we do understand that just because it didn’t work this time doesn’t mean that it won’t work the next time, you know, provided there is going to be a next time and if there’s enough justification for a next time to be a good thing to keep an eye out for.

Because at the end of any day, it’s still sex; it’s still a source of emotional comfort and attachment for those for whom sex – all by itself – isn’t enough for them. Cityman and I talk about this a lot and, rhetorically, asking why it’s such a bad thing for “Bob and Ted” to get together and suck each other’s balls dry and empty and the answer keeps pointing back to, “That’s not the way it’s supposed to be.” We question whether or not “Carol and Alice” should be offended by what “Bob and Ted” might be doing when they’re not together and, well, no – they shouldn’t be… yet they could be because those two guys doing each other, again, isn’t the way sex is supposed to be carried out… and they could very well be so highly offended by this and talking about it… after the two of them have gotten done having sex with each other.

And even those of you who, ah, let’s say, have a problem with this also knows this isn’t something I’m making up – this is real-deal, real-life stuff because, at the end of any day, we good and damned well know that we shouldn’t do things in this way… and it never, ever, changes the fact that we are doing things this way.

Because we can. One could argue that we need to do it in this way given the results of some research that is saying and revealing that we – humans – being monogamous and monosexual appears to be unnatural for us as a social animal. But it still comes down to whether something is working for us or it isn’t.

Sometimes it does… and sometimes it doesn’t. It doesn’t work in most cases because we don’t know – we aren’t taught – how to make it work for us but we are, if nothing else, bright and creative creatures and, as such, if we don’t know, we can most certainly figure it out because at the root of this is… sex… and if we don’t know anything else, we know how to have sex.

What’s the difference between “Bob” giving “Ted” a blow job and either “Carol” or “Alice” doing it? Nothing… except who is doing it, of course. The same “nothing except who” when looking for differences between “Carol” going down on “Alice” and either “Bob” or “Ted” doing it.

At the end of any day, we know this – we’re still very much about who should be doing what to whom while doing our best to turn a blind eye to the what that’s at the root of this.

The sex. The biological need for it. Shit… the recreational need for it that has been proven to be conducive to good mental and physical health. What’s love got to do with it? Not a whole lot, actually, but sure – we’ve learned that when there’s love, the sex is better… but it’s not really the only reason to have sex – it’s just one that’s easily justified compared to doing it just because you can, want to, and/or need to.

The way things should be… versus the way things can be. Idealism over reality and let’s face it – the reality makes a lot of people very, very nervous and to the point where we make ourselves believe that it can’t be like this and point to all the rules that says it shouldn’t be.

And at the end of every and any day, it stops no one from discovering the truth of things. We can be heterosexual if that’s what works for us, just as much as we can be bisexual and homosexual if it suits our purposes when it comes to living our lives to the fullest extent possible.

Cityman told me a story a couple of years ago about someone in the Navy who was retiring and one of the things the retiree said was that he was going to be pissed off to find out that sucking a dick was really a good thing for him to have done – but he didn’t. It was pretty funny and I know I probably didn’t retell the story exactly as it was told to me but there is a lot of truth in this because I have heard and know of a lot of people who, upon experiencing sex like this, have said, “I have no idea why I never did this before now…”

And they didn’t because they weren’t supposed to or, better, until that moment, they had no justifiable reason to check it out and by justifiable, I do mean their idea of what is justifiable and not society’s version of what this means.

Despite all of this stuff I’ve written – and most of which you probably already know – it remains a fact that at the end of any day, it’s either going to work for you or it isn’t and if it doesn’t work, it won’t be for a lack of trying because even at the exact moment you are reading this, someone, somewhere on the planet, has decided this might, can, or will work for them and until it’s proven – definitively – that it won’t. And there are a lot of reasons why it might not work but one of them isn’t because we don’t know how to have sex.

We do know how to do that; now it’s just a matter of being able to justify bucking the system and, yeah, people can do just that, you know, if that’s what they feel they need to do for themselves.

So, there you have it. Why be bisexual? Because you can if you want to be and for any reason that makes sense to you and even if no one else would be of a mind to go along with your justification. It would help if they would go along with it but, nah, they don’t have to if they don’t want to and they are just as secure in their justification not to buy-in to this as bisexuals, in particular, are secure in their justification to buck the system at every opportunity… and by any means necessary.

Because we can.

 

Today's Bisexual Thoughts: Could It Happen to You?

Oh, I do so very much love those folks who will say that they’d never do anything “gay” and more so when that’s what winds up happening to them, sometimes by “accident” – think ‘blame it on the alcohol’ and being in the right/wrong place at the right/wrong time and with the right person – and sometimes things take a major turn in their lives like emotional trauma, high levels of stress and, often, a very major reduction in their ability to get and have sex.

I’ve heard people say, “I wouldn’t even think about doing some shit like that!” and I’ve pointed out to them that, uh, hmm – if you thought about not doing it, you’ve thought about it; that one tends to have them getting a really funny look on their face and, really, if there is someone who hasn’t wondered what it would be like, I haven’t met them. Some studies have shown that even those folks who really wouldn’t go there do, in fact, have the thought cross their minds and some studies suggest that if, consciously, such a thing isn’t on their mind, there’s no telling what’s going on in their subconscious which could be entertaining the thought.

I know too many people who have either changed their minds about this or had it changed; I have heard way too many people say that having sex like that wasn’t as bad as they thought it was and some have wondered why they never had sex like this before the moment they did. I’ve even sat and had a good, silent laugh listening to folks trying to downplay what they experienced and as if they didn’t really like it or it wasn’t all that which, of course, doesn’t change the fact that they did it and no matter how it turned out.

Some who change their mind might do it once… and do it again because, you know, that first time could have been a fluke since shit does happen. Some do it once… and never do it again and I’ve heard a lot of reasons why a repeat won’t be happening again or, at best, any time soon.

If there is one constant in this, it’s never saying never and, you betcha, a lot of the people I know who have said this are often surprised that they did it and even more surprised to find out that it didn’t instantly kill them and, as a lot of guys worry about, didn’t turn them into a seriously effeminate gay man. I think that because this is said to be a very bad thing to do, it’s automatically assumed that it’s unlikeable or, as I heard a guy say one day, “I’d let a dude suck my dick… but I know I wouldn’t like it!”

Um, really? I usually have some fun by asking, “How do you know you wouldn’t like it?” and the usual reaction is, “I just know I wouldn’t!” – and followed by my saying, “Okay… but how do you know?” Enter in the “Adam and Steve” thing, the “it’s a sin” thing and one of my favorites: “I’d never be that desperate for sex to do some shit like that!”

Yet, ah, some people do, in fact, get that desperate for sex, don’t they? For a lot of folks, masturbation doesn’t produce that toe-curling release that’s wanted and needed but someone going down on them just might curl their toes and sure – going down on someone really gets the juices flowing and all that. Many are just of a mind that the right and proper venue is boy/girl, well, until they find out that this is only one way.

And I’ve seen folks be… bent out of shape to find that they’ve given into the one thing they said they’d never do; that’s usually the moment where I’ll tell them they shouldn’t feel bad about it – a lot of people give into that kind of moment and, sometimes, for no “real” reason one can point to or as some folks have said, “I don’t know why I did that…”

Even “funnier” are those folks who will adamantly say that doing some “gay” shit is the last thing on their list of things to do… while perhaps overlooking the fact that it’s on their list of things to do. For many, it’s a measure of last resort and only to be thought of or enacted when all other avenues for sexual release have failed. But very few people ever think that there might come a time when that measure of last resort will arrive and that, realistically, it can show up at any time and, of course, our dear friend, Mr. Murphy, just sits around and waits to shake someone up and make the last thing they’d ever do the next thing for them to do.

I’ve sat and listened to men and women list the conditions under which such a thing might happen and I’ve always found it interesting that they can do this… when they’ve said it’s something they never thought about or even wanted to do. I have laughed myself silly listening to dudes saying that if some dude ever approached them like that, why, they’d shove their dick down the offender’s throat so deep and hard that they’ll regret ever mentioning it to them.

Are you laughing over this one? This is some real-deal shit, too, and it’s always made me wonder why some guys would say this – while vigorously speaking out against such sexual acts, like this one tough guy who said that if some faggot stepped to him and wanted to suck his dick, he’d beat the guy down… then fuck him in the ass… to teach him a lesson.

Uh, right – okay, homie – I hear ya. This one is no joke: One guy said that he wouldn’t do some shit like that even if somebody put a gun to his head and said do it or die… then another guy present pulled out a gun, stuck it to the guy’s head and said, “Okay… whatcha gonna do now?”

Guess what homey did and other than piss himself? Even funnier? It was a toy gun. It was a very scary thing to watch happen and the guy who, at “gunpoint” wound up sucking a dick wasn’t happy about having such a joke played on him but that’s just another lesson about being careful what you say to some people. And, yeah – I knew the gun was a toy and found the whole thing funny.

The thing I understand is that a lot of people do know that stuff like this happens – they just don’t think it could happen to them, that’s there no reason for them to engage in such a thing – it’s nasty, immoral, they’re gonna burn in hell, etc.. Another of my favorite “I’m gonna fuck with you” moments are those folks who’ll admit that, yeah – they like having their dick sucked or their pussy eaten… but they’d also say that they wouldn’t like it if some dude blew them or some babe ate them… and I’ll ask them, “What’s the difference?”

And they all know for a fact that it is different… when it really isn’t other than who’d be doing something to you that you actually like having done to you. As such, the problem isn’t “what” – it’s “who” and then a bigger “problem” arises when, in that moment, they realize that “who” doesn’t really matter a whole lot. A lot of people learn this and, yep, they feel guilty as fuck… because they just got their rocks off in a way they were told they weren’t supposed to.

To be sure: Some people say never and they damned well mean it and that’s just the way it is. Some people say never… and somewhere down the road, find or have reason to change their minds like the many men who are in sexless relationships, people who if it wasn’t for bad luck, they wouldn’t have any luck at all when it comes to dating and getting laid and now that measure of last resort they figured would never arrive has done just that.

Because I’ve given “a few” guys their first experience in this, I’ve learned to pay very close attention to them because there’s going to be two possible outcomes (no puns) when that moment of truth is upon them: They’re either going to freak the fuck out and not proceed… or they’re going to say, “Fuck it!” and things will proceed. Then it’s about their reaction once things proceed and, just as important, when it’s all said and done.

And some of those reactions are just bad, from throwing up to having a bit of an emotional break. Which is why when I find myself dealing with one of those guys who has said he’d never do this, a great deal of care is called for and to the point where I will do my best to talk him out of it… because this is some seriously life-changing shit.

Could it happen to you? The potential is always there and just as it is for everyone but, eh, many of us aren’t of a mind to buy into this. Those folks who say with a great deal of certainty that they’d never do this? I like to ask them to give me the winning numbers for the next few Powerballs since, apparently, they have the ability to see into the future with such clarity and certainty. Not saying that it will happen – just saying that it might because, well, shit happens and always happens when you don’t think it will or is supposed to. We tend to operate under the premise that once we make up our minds about something, there’s no changing your mind – ever.

And it’s true that once you make a decision, you should stick with it no matter how it turns out – and that’s fine… but it doesn’t really ever mean that even in the middle of a decision process, you can’t change your mind – and for any reason that makes sense to you and even if it doesn’t make sense to anyone else.

All I’m really saying is that if you’re one of the many people who say that you’d never do some shit like that, don’t be surprised if, for some reason, you find yourself doing it and if it does, well, do your best to enjoy it since, at the core of it, it’s still sex.

You do like sex, don’t you? We’ve all been mindfucked into believing that sex is only supposed to be done in a certain way and by certain and specific people and, as such, we are almost wholly and totally focused on who more than we are on what. The reality is that who can be anyone and the what is sex; otherwise, ha, ha, there would be no bi- or homosexuals. One of the things I like to say to the haters is kinda snippy: You’re just “mad” because we – bisexuals – can do something you can’t do and probably because you’re too afraid to.

And that pisses some people off – and it’s meant to piss them off and to show them that what you believe isn’t the whole truth of things when it comes to sex. And it’s not always a matter of someone being afraid of it – and some folks won’t do it because they’re afraid they’re gonna like it and want more of it but it’s a continued belief in something that, again, isn’t the whole truth and the belief that if such a thing were to somehow happen, it’s not going to be enjoyable.

And a lot of people do, in fact, find out that it is quite enjoyable. Could you be one of those people? Ya might be – who really knows what the future might bring? Just never say never – you’re probably just begging Mr. Murphy to show up to make your life “interesting…”

 

Today's Bisexual Thoughts: Being Honest About It

Honesty is the best policy. The truth will set you free. Other such platitudes about truth and honesty and, famously, “You want the truth? You can’t handle the truth!”

Bisexuality is a truth that many people don’t want to hear. I’ve written quite a bit about coming out and the pros and cons of it and even bisexuals tend to waffle about being honest about it because if there’s nothing I’ve learned over all this time, being honest about it can be hazardous.

Or, as I’ve told people a lot over the course of my life, “Don’t ask me any questions you don’t want to hear the answers to…” and I’ve advised, “If you don’t really want to know, don’t ask…” because chances are good the answers are going to ruin your whole day.

More often than not, some are quite honest about their bisexuality… but not only is the truth hard to handle for some, it can conjure up all kinds of shit in someone’s mind and, oddly, much of it untrue, like the bisexual who tells a partner about their bisexuality and it’s something they just now became aware of and dealing with… and that person would be called a liar if asked, “Well, were you doing this shit when we met?”

You can tell them no – never crossed your mind… and they just won’t believe you and the accusations, wow – never underestimate the power of someone’s imagination and more so when we tend to think in terms of worst-case situations more than we think in the few positive situations that our minds will, grudgingly, provide.

Then there’s that lie of omission thing that I’ve always found baffling because you can be tagged for being dishonest just because you didn’t say something about… something. Anything. Slipped your mind. You didn’t think it was relevant and, yeah, you knew that if you said something about it, you’d might be lucky to walk away from the resulting argument with only a size 16 asshole and your head barely attached to your body.

It is often ironic for someone to be very much in love with someone but, upon hearing the truth of their sexuality, everything changes and not for the good. You were all on board with them… until you learned this about them and the question I tend to ask in this situation is, “What really changed other than you found out something about them you didn’t know?”

Before they let you know, you loved them and all that… but you hear that, oh, back in their college days, they had a same-sex fling and now your whole life has been shattered… over something that happened before the two of you even knew each other existed. Or, you’ve been going right along for years, living, loving (and screwing) each other, all that good stuff but then everything gets all fucked up when, one day, they tell you how they’ve been feeling and thinking lately, that they’ve been feeling same-sex attractions and now the shit hits the fan over something that didn’t exist before… but it’s there now.

And the one thing that makes me insane over this matter of honesty is how you can tell someone this and the moment they hear it, it stops being about you… and it’s now all about them and how utterly offended and even betrayed they feel.

The question I’ve always managed to squeeze in is, “Wait – how does something that has to do with me get to be about you?”

Any wonder why so many bisexuals are not of a mind to let too many people know this about themselves? It’s not that a bisexual doesn’t want the truth to be known – it’s that a lot of people can’t handle it even when chances are good that they know, if only in theory, that bisexuals exist and, of course, the anguish one can feel having their butt-hole resized is made worse when you tell the one person you thought would be more understanding than others.

Many call it being dishonest… while there are many who call it erring on the side of caution or my childhood favorite (courtesy of my very wise mother), “You never give someone a stick to beat you with.” There are those who would – or could – counter this gem of wisdom by saying that if you weren’t some kind of pervert to begin with, there wouldn’t be a problem, huh? Doesn’t change the facts of the matter, though, and the real problem isn’t that someone is one of those “perverts” – it’s that the person hearing this can’t handle the truth of things – it is, forever and ever, what they believe trumping the reality of things.

True enough, some people just don’t give a fuck – you are what you are and whatever floats your boat. They might even add, “Well, I wouldn’t do that…” and that’s fine or, um, sometimes, they know the same truth that you do… but they’re not gonna say anything about it – is that a lie of omission or “simply” a matter of this not being any of your damned business?

My protege and I talk about this from time to time and he’s… impressed at how older guys (like me) can be so no-nonsense by all of this and a lot of it is that we’re just too old and been around the block so many times that we just don’t have the time or the patience to deal with the dumb shit. It is what it is and for whatever reason it is and whether you like it or not – grow up already, for Pete’s sake.

Bisexuals are more affected by what other people are gonna think than they are by their own thoughts which, admittedly, can be all kinds of tumultuous but there isn’t a bisexual I don’t know of who doesn’t eventually think, “What am I gonna do/say if someone else finds out?” and, classically, I think, “What if my wife/husband/boyfriend/girlfriend/fiancee/fiance finds out?”

Oh, they’re gonna be some kind of pissed off and they just might dump us even if we’ve not done one damned thing about our thoughts and feelings other than to examine them because for those late to the party, ya still wanna know the answer to two questions: Why me and why now?

Shit, sometimes, you can’t even express an opinion about the matter without someone looking at you sideways and wondering if your opinion means that you’re one of those perverts. They will think that you’re a secretive, down-low kind of motherfucker if you say that you know something about sucking dick – but not because you’ve actually sucked a dick; someone hearing you say this won’t even consider that you’re a guy and you’ve probably had your dick sucked quite a few times and what guy hasn’t watched porn and seen dicks being sucked?

And of course, the same can be said about women and there are women who have never been licked and eaten… but they know about it because they know other women who have been eaten – and there’s still porn (and some women do watch porn). So you can be honest in expressing an opinion and it will be met with such derision that, yeah, it’ll make you wish you hadn’t said anything.

In this – and in most cases – if your thoughts about this doesn’t match the other person’s thoughts, that’s a problem. What one believes, again, tends to trump knowledge – we know that there are bisexuals but because Person X doesn’t believe in that shit, Person Y – who said something about it – is now persona non grata – get away from me, you perverted motherfucker!

It is our own collective ignorance that makes the truth hard to accept in this, our collective refusal to accept the truth and reality that there are some people who do, in fact, have sex with both men and women. What’s that you say? You’d never do some nasty shit like that? Well, good for you… but what does that have to do with me? You liked me before I said something about this… and now you don’t?

It seems to me that I’m not the one with the problem and I’m certainly not the one being in denial about anything. I have actually heard people say, on the one hand, that they don’t have a problem with bisexuality – to each his own and all that – but ask them how they’d react if their man/woman were to reveal that they’re feeling bisexual? Whole different situation, huh? I have seen very intelligent people behave… unintelligently because their intelligence has now left the building… over a truth they cannot accept even though their intelligence, if it were allowed to, could easily accept it.

We talk a lot about the acceptance of bisexuality as a legit human sexuality trait because, um, it is… but as long as there is one person who “doesn’t believe in that perverted shit,” acceptance is never going to happen all across the board. Many ask what’s the point in being honest about it when all it tends to do is fuck a lot of shit up – and shit that wasn’t fucked up before one decided to be honest about it?

On the forum, we talk about this a lot. A guy says that he wants to tell his wife, girlfriend – anyone, really – about his sexuality but is fairly sure that he’s gonna get his asshole ripped open (and unpleasantly so) and his head handed to him and get dumped if he tells her this.

And some guys respond by saying – and I’m paraphrasing – “You should tell her anyway even if everything the two of you had together gets trashed – because honesty is the best policy…” and, please, I want you to keep in mind that they say this even for those bisexuals who aren’t having the sex and not planning on having any of it. So what they’re saying is that if you feel that you’re bisexual, you should tell all and take the risk that your whole life up to that point just might get shredded and disposed of.

If you can’t “safely” share any thoughts you have about being bisexual, you can imagine how they might react to learn that, oh, way back when you were in the seventh grade, you and some friends got into some same-sex stuff because it sounded like a good idea at the time – and maybe it really was, maybe not so much. You don’t get any Brownie points for not doing a damned thing like this after that event in your life and, as sure as shit is what it is, if you did it before, you will do it again.

Do you see the problem here? Do you see why there are an untold number of people who aren’t of a mind to be as honest about this as it’s said everyone should be? Yeah, sure – if you’re out there on the DL and having the sex and, uh, let’s say you’re not really being as safe as you could be when sucking that dick or chowing down on that pussy – and you’re in a relationship, you probably do need to tell them what you’ve been up to because keeping them safe is paramount if you’re still having sex with them.

The question is: How are they gonna react upon hearing this? And if you’re thinking very, very badly, you’ve pretty much got it right so now you’re in that “damned if you do, damned if you don’t” situation that I’m sure no one likes being in.

In order for the truth to be accepted, everyone has to know what the truth really is and believe it. The truth is people are and can be bisexual and at any time in their life. It’s not the way people are supposed to be – and why we keep believing this and in the face of both bi- and homosexuality – just continues to astound the shit out of me. Not everyone is straight – but we continue to believe that everyone should be… but we know that not everyone is straight.

And I think the biggest lie – the biggest act of denial – is when we know the truth of things but continue to believe that the truth is a lie, that this bisexual thing shouldn’t be… but it really is and always has been.

You want the truth? Can you handle the truth, not just where someone else is concerned but even where you might be? Ya might not be feeling this now… but what if, one day, it’s you who has something to tell someone? Huh? It’ll never happen? Yeah… I’ve heard that one before and the truth ya might not wanna hear is that people do get their minds changed about this even if the reason only makes sense to them. It could happen to you and now the question is how are you gonna feel when it’s you being subjected to such hatred and rejection… when you’re being honest?

Do you now see the problem? Granted, there are a lot of bisexuals who have revealed themselves to others and everything is cool – those folks could handle the truth just fine even if the bisexual is their man or woman. The big push shouldn’t be about acceptance – it should be an awareness of a truth that the “powers that be” do not want anyone to know about and if you do know about it, they want you to believe it’s a very bad thing and it should be rejected – and because they said so.

Who’s being dishonest now? Who is perpetrating that lie of omission?

 

Today's Bisexual Thoughts: Inequity: The Unlevel Playing Field

One of the relationship problems I’ve seen involving bisexuality is things not being equal or a bisexual partner stands up for their right to be bisexual and pursue their interests while the other partner is left high and dry and invoking “If you can do it, I can do it, too!” is met with a great deal of resistance, fussing, fighting and, honestly, a total disregard for someone’s sensibilities other than their own.

I knew a guy many, many years ago who was married to a bisexual woman and, as it turned out, he was bisexual as well but extremely frustrated because his wife – a bit of a harpy if I might say so myself – felt that she had the God-given right to slake her lust whenever she wanted to and with whomever she damned well pleased while promising and threatening to leave him and take their two children away if he ever even thought about doing things the way she was doing them.

Ah… I remember the day I met her. We both worked for the local cab company and it had been a very busy – and profitable – night (we worked the 10pm to 7am shift) and things had been so good and hectic that we wound up working until 8:30 or so. He had asked me to give him a ride home and to come in to not only meet his wife but also to confirm that we worked a little overtime as his reason for not being home when he’d normally be there.

Right away, that set off yellow alerts in my head but, okay, I could do this for him because he was a really cool guy. On the way to where he lived, he said, “Don’t be surprised if my wife starts flirting with you, okay?”

The alert in my head started to shift more toward red but, eh, I was used to married women flirting with me… covertly and had said as much – then the alert went fully to red when he shook his head and said, “That’s not what I’m talking about; she’s gonna take one look at you and want to fuck you right then and there!”

Maybe he was exaggerating, maybe he wasn’t – but forewarned is forearmed. Once at his place, wow – his wife lit into him with a verbal barrage that made me want to hit her – and I don’t hit women – and she was so busy shredding him that not only did he not get a chance to get a word in edgewise, she never noticed that he wasn’t alone.

Then she noticed me standing next to him… and her whole demeanor changed and I mean it changed so quickly that had I not bore witness to her diatribe, I would have sworn she wasn’t pissed off about him being late coming home. I backed him up, of course, and I honestly don’t know whether she eased up on him because I verified his reason for being late… or there was something else going on but I’ll be damned if she didn’t proposition me… right in front of her husband.

I was horrified at her callousness and regard for his feelings; I mean, okay – if you’re gonna hit on someone, shit, at least wait until your spouse leaves the room for something, ya know, or try to be subtle about it! She’s eyeballing my crotch and all that and I’m looking at him giving me that “I told you!” look but it was the whipped puppy look in his eyes that really bothered me. She sashayed off to the kitchen to fix him something to eat – and I could tell this shocked the hell out of him – flinging her hips all over the place and I took that moment to let him know I was outta there but if he wanted to talk later, I’d be all ears.

Business was slow by the time our shift got started and we had plenty of time to hang out at our assigned cab stand to sit and talk… and even though I was “recently new” to this open marriage thing, what my friend was telling me shocked me to my very core. She was bisexual and that’s when he confessed to me that he was bisexual as well but he wasn’t allowed to pursue his interests while allowing her to, basically, bully him into submitting to her will… and I was both pissed and very sympathetic toward him and his plight.

He asked me, “How did you and your wife agree to be open?” and I kinda laughed and said that we didn’t agree to it until she hit me with an ultimatum and talked everything out and that the transition wasn’t what I’d call easy but, sure, we were making it work.

“I wish you could explain this to her,” he said and the way he said it just broke my heart. I knew it was probably a mistake on my part but I told him that if she’d listen, I’d talk to her about this one-sided bullshit that was not only making a mockery of their marriage but really doing a number on his state of mind. I did, however, ask him a question: If she’s not gonna let you do your thing the way you need to, why haven’t you just done it anyway?

His answer? He said he was very afraid she’d find out and leave him, taking their children, too. I rolled my eyes and asked him, “Um, how would she know? Dude, do you have any idea how many offers for sex I get being behind the wheel… and how much sex I’ve had?”

He smiled and said, “I know… I get offers, too, but I turn them down; I’m just scared shitless that she’s gonna find out!”

I couldn’t say how she could possibly find out but, okay, he was obviously convinced that she could and would. I felt very badly for him and his plight and so much that since we were sitting in the back seat of my cab, yeah – I just proceeded to give him a blow job because, for one, he needed one (think bro job) and for another thing, I wanted to find out if she would find out.

This… heifer was a piece of work. I think it was a couple of days later when I gave him a ride home and I had a couple of days to see the results of my impromptu blow job – he was happier, less sullen, even invigorated. Good! We get to his place and we go in… and there’s his wife on the sofa, buck naked, and not only in a 69 with another woman but there was a guy plowing her from the back! My second thought was it was a good thing their kids were in school… but my first thought was, “What the fuck? She knew he was on his way home and do you mean to tell me that she chose not to finish doing her dirt before he got there? Really?”

He said… nothing. The trio on the sofa heard us come in and she looked up, saw me – smiled – and said, “Hey! Bring that dick over here and join the party!”

I said, “Hmm, okay, but, ah, how about inviting this guy right here while you’re at it?” The guy in his wife’s pussy said he didn’t mind and the gal being eaten said, “Shit, yeah – the more the merrier!”

His wife went apeshit crazy! She actually got off the sofa and got in his face over what I had said and what her two partners had agreed to and like it was his fault! I glanced at the two on the sofa and got the thought that not only were they more “regular” than the situation appeared, they, too, had probably been subjected to her venomous dialogs at some point; they just sat there and trying not to draw her ire.

She went to slap her husband… and I broke the rule about not getting in between a husband and wife fussing and fighting. I grabbed her hand in mid-swing and they both looked surprised and as she tried to pull away from me, I said, “Enough!” then turned to the two naked people on the sofa and said, “Time for you two to go – I need to have a conversation with these two… now, get in the wind!”

They hurry up and get redressed and out the door; I’m still holding her arm and when I let her go, yep, she took a swing at me which I easily blocked and I told her, “I don’t hit women but if you swing at me again, I will put you on your ass. Get over there and sit the fuck down!”

My friend is stunned because I intervened… and she went and sat the fuck down. He’s looking at me and I can’t decipher the look but I told him, “This bullshit needs to end… and it’s gonna end right the fuck now.”

And proceeded to read her the riot act. In retrospect, I shouldn’t have done it; it was none of my business but I couldn’t just stand there and let this travesty continue. I had her in tears pretty quickly as I told her how fucked up this was for both of them, that instead of shit going the way it had probably been going, things could be better for and between them if he was allowed to do what she’s obviously been doing – what’s good for the gander should be just as good for the goose and all that.

Her reason for not extending the courtesy? She was afraid that he’d get with someone else and leave her and I understood that but, as I pointed out to her, that didn’t explain or even excuse throwing her sexual proclivities in his face like this and not even considering that he might want to join in or, at the least, pursue his own interests. Then I told her that I sucked his dick and that seemed to change his whole mood and demeanor and, yeah, I regaled her with every nasty detail and it was funny to watch her face run through the gamut of emotions, from being totally pissed to… being excited.

I spent almost two hours talking to both of them and getting them to hash out an agreement between them. I understood what she said about her need for sex and I understood that she really didn’t have any complaints about his ability to provide her sex but I told her that if she was as smart as she thought she was, it should have occurred to her that, given that he was just as bisexual as she was, they could work together to take care of each other’s “extra needs” instead of this one-sided, heavy-handed crap she was laying on him and more so since, in reality, there was no real reason for them not to be on the same page about this.

Told her what my wife had laid on me and she did ask, “Weren’t you mad?” and I confirmed that I was beyond livid – but I let my intelligence work the situation rather than to let my emotions do that. It hurt, didn’t feel good, totally trashed everything I believed in… but we did it anyway because this was about the two of us doing whatever we had to do to make and keep each other happy… and to stay together.

“So, you two are gonna come to terms over this before I leave here; I am not going to take his word – or yours – that you’ve come to an agreement and I’m not here to witness it and, believe me: I will hold both of you to it and if you think I can’t or won’t, think again!”

Yeah… like I could really do that… but it sounded good and the important thing is that they believed me. While they talked, I called home and explained my absence to my wife and she was just as shocked over the scene we’d walked into as I was. She said, “Do what you gotta do, baby…”

Two more hours later, they hashed out an agreement; she wanted things to be more in her favor by telling him what he couldn’t do but I reminded her that it was blatantly unfair for her to prevent him from doing something she could do – and had been doing all along. I told them that trying to be equal in this was really a waste of time and energy but it was about working together to take care of these needs instead of one person doing their own thing and with no visibility or anything else that would make this situation more equitable and tolerable.

Yeah… I imposed my will upon both of them. I shouldn’t have done it but I did and I do have to say that if their relationship hadn’t gotten better because of my intervention, shit, I’d probably hate myself. But it did get better for them. Of course, since I worked with him, he’d tell me about the progress they were making with their relationship and that the rough spots I told them would happen did come up – but they worked through them.

“You scared the shit out of her that day,” he said to me one night when we were having dinner. “I’d never seen anyone make her back down before and it took me a couple of days to convince her that you weren’t gonna show up and kick her ass!”

“I’d never do that but I meant what I said to her; she swings at me again, I’m putting her on her ass,” I said. “Shit… I should have just minded my own business but I couldn’t just stand there and do nothing.”

“I understand,” he said. “Things are so much better now; there’s less stress, less tension, and she doesn’t yell and scream at me like she used to. Yeah… it took some doing for me to actually watch her getting laid and she admitted that it wasn’t easy for her to watch me having fun with someone else… but I think we’ve gotten past that, thanks to you.”

“Somebody had to do something about this,” I said, waving off his thanks. “She wasn’t gonna do it and you were too afraid to do anything to fix things. You two have been together too long just to let something like this fuck everything up when you both could have done something to keep it from getting all fucked up and thrown away… and, forgive me, but I wasn’t gonna let that happen.”

“I’m glad you didn’t and she is, too,” he said. “By the way, I’m supposed to ask you if you and your wife can come over for dinner Saturday.”

I said I’d check with my wife but for now, I thought we could and, no, I didn’t even ask him why we were being invited – I knew why and I’m sure you can guess why just as easily as I did…

 

Today's Bisexual Thoughts: More Thoughts about Pansexuality

Not too long after I published “TBT: What is Pansexuality?” my protege, Cityman, and I had a discussion about choice, what we choose, how we choose, and who we choose when we – people in general – get horny and having sex is a great idea.

He has a knack of bringing up subjects after I’ve written something that’s both timely and pretty amazing. So, we started out talking about one of his male lovers and one that’s been with him almost from the beginning and, in particular, this guy’s love of huge, Black dick. His FWB occasionally photo-bombs him with pics of dicks he either wants to suck, is going to suck, or he’s already sucked it and Cityman has asked him why he’s not more… diverse about the dicks he sucks since Cityman is the only white guy he has sex with.

His FWB can’t really explain it but says that if the guy isn’t Black and the dick isn’t all big and scary, he’s just not interested… but that doesn’t explain why he’s been Cityman’s off and on lover for a few years now. Cityman thinks his FWB has a culturally-imposed dislike for anyone who isn’t Black and often thinks that this “size queen behavior” is environmental – the guy lives in a predominately Black area and, hmm, a lot of the men there have really big dicks, it seems. Cityman can get him to intelligently acknowledge that any dick can be sucked and enjoyed and that he could suck even more dick by expanding his choices.

And the guy just doesn’t do it – he just sticks with what he likes more than what he knows. Likewise, Cityman and I will talk about his own approach to diversity and he’s just as guilty as his FWB is when it comes to sticking to what he prefers and rarely differentiates far from his preference in men… but there’s really nothing all that strange about that since this is pretty much how a lot of people go about getting their sexual jollies.

So, as an intellectual exercise, pansexuality isn’t a “bad” mindset to have; when you want to have sex, it shouldn’t matter whether it’s with a male, female, transgender, genderqueer, the list goes on and on… but it does matter and it has always mattered since, for the most part, no one really just jumps into bed with “just anyone” even for a one-night stand.

We want what we want and the way we want it; we do, in fact, pretty much know that if we wanted to, we can get sex in, ah, non-preferred ways but we are creatures of habit and, for the most part, will stick with what we know over that which we don’t know much about… even when what we know might not be working as well as we’d like it to.

There’s a few running topics on the forum about “shemales” – transsexuals and even a couple about transgenders and the fellas are kinda all over the place on the topics; some would give someone else’s right arm to sleep with a transsexual while others have laced up their sneakers and are ready to jet in the opposite direction even though, at the least and in theory, it’s still someone they could have sex with.

If they wanted to. It’s really a question of if they could, would they? What boxes would have to be checked? What’s the “real” attraction? Is it that many transsexuals have breasts… or is it that many have really big dicks… or is it both? Is it a transsexual’s mannerisms, which tend to be more feminine than masculine… well, until that dick gets hard? It seems to me that one can be quite pansexual in thought… but perhaps not so much in deed – and it’s one of the reasons why I question pansexuality as being a “real” thing as opposed to an idealist approach to sex (in particular and for the purpose of this scribble).

Even in the world of male bisexuality, we see… schisms; there are tops and there are bottoms and there’s even a lot of fluidity here since, these days, guys aren’t just versatile; no – they are now stating their sexual roles as either top/verse or bottom/verse and with what they prefer being listed first and foremost and, okay, that just kinda baffles me and gives me a sense that I’ve lost track of what’s really going on because just like pansexuality, I don’t see how being top or bottom/verse is really any different that just being versatile since, um, just because it doesn’t matter to a guy whether he tops or bottoms, it’s still a matter of what he feels like doing and who he wants to do it with.

Would a top/verse guy want to get naked with a transsexual… and one who also maybe be either a top, a bottom, or some flavor of versatile? Depends on him, doesn’t it? In theory, sure – they can have sex of some kind… but as a matter of course, that top/verse guy might feel some kind of way getting with someone who acts feminine, has feminine features from the belly button up… and just might be more hung than he is and just as eager to put the puppy to use… and even for a top/verse kind of guy, eh, that might not be his idea of fun even if it does sound good on paper.

The author I mentioned yesterday gave an example that included someone saying, “I don’t like Asian men…” and whether or not it was socially acceptable to say this. Well, yeah, people say stuff like this all of the time and for whatever reason they have for not liking Asian men. It’s probably rude and not very PC to make a statement like this and Asian men happen to hear it, not that some people give a fuck if they do hear this sentiment or not. That very human behavior, by itself, makes pansexuality a difficult concept to embrace beyond the theoretical… but, again, this isn’t any different from how people have always behaved.

Again, I ain’t saying that pansexuality cannot be embraced because a lot of people do and simply because it makes sense… but does it work under the auspices of practical application? I know I can have sex with anyone who’d agree and consent to having sex… but I also know I won’t have sex with “just anyone” because, sure, there are some people I wouldn’t have sex with because I’m not feeling them as a person and I’m not talking about their physical form. If, crudely, you’re not my idea of a cunt or an asshole, we can do a little something-something.

What pansexuality, by its definition, seems to exclude is people being who they are while focusing on what they happen to be… and people are still pretty damned funny and picky about who they have sex with. Folks who are, um, gender minded? Okay… doesn’t really matter if they feel they are male, female or neither… but they’re still people and people want and need to have sex. So excluding them from the sex/sexuality discussion really doesn’t make sense but, yeah, we’re still human and if you’re not like us, you’re against us.

It might piss some people off or otherwise offend them but pansexuality seems to say that everyone can be sexually objectified and no one should be discriminated against due to their sex or gender when it comes to being able to have sex with someone who wants to have sex.

Humans do not work like that in practical application so is pansexuality more of a socially engineered concept and one that attempts not to exclude people? It seems that way to me – and I do know that I could be wrong. After having a full twenty-four hours to think about this – and with the addition of the conversation I had with Cityman – I’m still having a very difficult time seeing how this is any different from anything people are wont to do when it comes to having sex.

If ya don’t mind, it doesn’t matter. Some people do mind… and some don’t. For some, it’s “just sex” and for others, it’s more than just being able to give into that basal urge to get your rocks off and, preferably, you want to do that with someone you can, at the very least, get along with or otherwise meets whatever criteria you have in place.

Even when you know that, theoretically, you can have sex with anyone… but you also know and learn – sometimes the hard way – that you shouldn’t just have sex with anyone, oh, like your mortal enemy or, realistically, anyone you ain’t feeling, getting along with, whatever makes you not want to get naked with someone and expose your vulnerable spots.

Still not saying that pansexuality isn’t a real sexual orientation but I still question whether it’s a practical one and, again, not just a social construct more than anything else. Is gender the key difference? I don’t really think so, nope, not with what I’ve learned about people and sex. Gender, such as it is, well, it’s what it is for someone; if a transgender man is now a woman and wants to eat some pussy, well, she can do that and I wouldn’t say anything “bad” about it. If a transgender woman is now a man and wants to suck some dick or use her surgically created dick on someone – male or female in form and function, nope – not gonna say too much about that either… because there’s no point in it. Ya might change your physical form into the sex you feel you belong in; you can adopt the gender role that’s historically be assigned and coupled with the sex you are – male or female – and, yep, you can even say that when it comes to gender – the act of being male or female – neither of those things apply to you.

But people still want and need to have sex and it’s always been a matter of if you don’t mind who you’re doing it with, it doesn’t matter… and people do – or do not – mind according to their needs, worldview, and other perceptions. Is bisexuality really that different from being pansexual? Not with what I’ve learned – still don’t see it. At the end of any day, it’s still a matter of choice; it’s engaging one’s carefully crafted decision tree processing and ultimately deciding that getting naked and having sex with someone is warranted, possible, a potential mistake or just might be the thrill to end all thrills.

Pansexuality doesn’t address the human factor – the W5H thing I wrote about some time ago. I could sleep with a transsexual… but would it be in my best interests at that moment to do so? Maybe… and maybe not – depends on the person they are underneath what I can see. Would I exclude them based upon their chosen gender assignment? Nope… but if they’re my idea of a cunt or asshole, ain’t gonna happen. If I don’t feel that I’m going to be safe with them, it ain’t gonna happen. If they wanna do something I ain’t even thinking about doing and wouldn’t do with anyone as a matter of principle, it ain’t gonna happen.

Pansexuality as a practical application fails. Utterly. Still sounds good on paper, though since we, theoretically, shouldn’t discriminate when it comes to having sex since, you know, we kinda like sex a lot. Doesn’t change the fact that we do discriminate and I don’t necessarily mean this in a bad way but, yeah, we do it with bad intentions as well because we are forever and ever human. Shit, even sexuality as a human construct tends to fail because there is a huge difference between what we can do… and what we will do. Gay men do have sex with women; likewise, lesbians do have sex with men even though we – and some of those folks – are of a mind that it’s not supposed to happen and it just can’t happen. We do go about this and as if it’s impossible to change our minds once we’ve made up our mind that this is the way I want to have sex and satisfied our unique versions of W5H.

It’s what we want to do… not so much what we can do, you know, if we really wanted to and a lot of us don’t want to and for whatever reason makes sense to us so, to that end, sexuality, again, tends to fail – it just doesn’t fail as much as the concept of pansexuality seems to and in my opinion. Yes, we should accept everyone regardless to sex and/or gender… we just don’t roll like that as a matter of course because at the end of yet another of many days, it boils down to I want what I want and the way I want it, no exceptions or deviations.

And we do believe that exceptions and deviations are “impossible…” which is part and parcel of how and why bisexuality just literally blows a lot of minds because it’s not impossible for exceptions and deviations to not only occur but to be warranted… because sex has always been a “people” thing more than a social engineering kind of thing. You’re gonna do the nasty with anyone you damn well please to do it with and regardless to what anyone else has to say about it and, sure, if they’re the same sex as you are, it is what it is – mind your business. If there are some gender things in play, ditto – mind your business and your time would be better spent paying attention to how much sex you’re having – or not – instead of being all up in my business.

The author of yesterday’s piece asked, “Is Pansexuality Obligatory?” and I say nope except, perhaps, as an intellectual exercise at best and if you can actually do it without any discrimination involving sex and gender, I’m happy for you. I just don’t think it’s a real thing when it comes to practical application but, then again, there are a lot of people who don’t think that bisexuality is real and, yeah, that’s been proven already… but methinks pansexuality hasn’t quite gotten to the proof of concept phase so much.

I would even go as far to say – and to point out – that because the word “gender” appears in a lot of definitions for bisexuality, it invalidates the notion of pansexuality as being “gender driven” unless it’s really a piece of social engineering that aims to eliminate the word “bisexuality” from our verbal lexicon, that pansexuality should replace bisexuality. But I don’t see how that works since, um, a lot of bisexuals are “purely” about someone’s sex – male or female – and all the nice parts involved… but getting with a transsexual or transgender? Not gonna happen because it’s still a matter of personal choice even if, again and intellectually, one knows they could if they wanted to. There are bi guys who just would not have sex with another bi guy who acts “like a girl…” and bi guys who “acts like a girl” who will not, for any reason, have sex with a guy who isn’t all alpha male macho.

And bi guys who say, “Fuck all of that dumb shit – show me your dick and let’s get busy!” and, yeah, even if the person with the dick they want also has a nice rack of titties.

Pansexuality, perhaps, seeks to redefine the “who” in W5H and, I think, unnecessarily so since who we have sex with has always been a thing and we good and damned well know that some folks aren’t that picky about who while some are rabidly picky about who gets to do the nasty with them.

Just my added $0.34 worth and because I’m still the guy who has the audacity to talk about this and in this way. Still not saying that having a pansexual mindset is a bad thing – still just questioning whether it’s as “real” of a thing like people are starting to insist that it is since the proof of concept hasn’t been established – but it does sound good on paper.

But what sex and sexuality things don’t sound good on paper? They all do… and now it’s still about practical application or, can you really do all that shit you’ve been thinking that sounds good? That remains to be seen… and if they can (and a lot of people actually can and do walk the walk), I’d say they were bisexual, not pansexual even if by definition given that, um, being male or female isn’t as “clear cut” as it once might have been.

I maintain – and because I’ve not seen any real evidence to the contrary – that even if you don’t see yourself as being male or female, or that you are genderless, you’re still either male or female even if you change your body – your DNA will tell the truth of this even if you change your body chemistry to fit your perception of self. So “getting away from the gender binary,” wow, that one still blows me away given what I know about that double helix thing but okay.

We should be equal opportunity fuckers and fuckees at all times and at every turn and opportunity. We aren’t. Social conditioning and engineering has always sought to direct our sexual urges in a particular direction – it tells us who we can have sex with, why we should, even how and what we should do because, hmm, it just wouldn’t do to have everyone just running around and screwing everyone else and just because there’s a biological imperative to do some screwing and to be screwed, huh?

To this end, even straight folks ignore this conditioning/engineering thing, don’t they? Gay folks do and bisexuals really mess shit up since they “don’t care” if the person they’re having sex with is male or female… and even if the person is only male or female inside their own head and their physical appearance says otherwise. We socially engineered what being sexually attracted means which tends to clash with the biology of attraction and to the point where many of us will believe what we see over what our instincts – our bodies – is telling us. Men are only supposed to be sexually attracted to biological women, right? Yet, that’s not totally and completely true and it never has been. Why? Um, because you can be sexually attracted to anyone you find yourself being surprisingly attracted to like that.

For now, pansexuality appears to be social engineering – the way you “should” be which, for now, does not match the reality of the way we are and can be about sex. Maybe it will… I just don’t think it’s all that relevant at this moment, not with what I know about people and sex.

And that’s my opinion and I’m sticking to it – and I still might be wrong.

 

Today's Bisexual Thoughts: What is Pansexuality?

First, a point of reference for you to consider in the form of a blog I came across: https://theelectricagora.com/2020/02/03/is-pansexuality-obligatory/

Next, wow… I have a problem with this word and I’ll tell you why I do but first, I gotta tell you this story so I can proceed… hold my beer.

About ten or maybe even twelve years ago, I was chatting with a female friend and we were talking about sexuality and she revealed that she was pansexual. I’d been hearing whispers of this word in places so I asked her to define it for me… and she did… and when she was done, I asked her, “How is that any different from being bisexual?”

She stated that gender is the key word in pansexuality… and my brain shorted out. Now this was about the same time when I started seeing new definitions for bisexuality appearing and many of which included the word, “gender” and to the point where even though I knew what the definition was, I looked it up and, yep, it was still the same definition I’d learned a long time ago. This was also about the same time when some folks started riffing about the gender binary and that it wasn’t a real thing or, at best, shouldn’t exist because, “duh,” not everyone identified as male or female.

My brain really shorted out even though, sure, I was hearing about people knowing they were born in the wrong body and I knew a transwoman who used to be a guy (used to work with her before she was a she). Locally, “transvestites” were everywhere and some were in the process of changing their physical form to some degree – usually getting boobs and retaining their dicks but, okay, how we see ourselves – and choose to present ourselves to the world was seriously changing.

But when you talk about sexuality, you almost always wind up talking about sex since they’re kinda/sorta related and dependent upon one’s point of view about having sex, like you can be bisexual but not of a mind to have the sex that is implied and the “hallmark” of bisexuality. You could… but if you didn’t want to, you didn’t have to.

Even before it became “a thing,” it wasn’t unusual for some men – and even some women – to be sexually attracted to the newly coined word, “transsexuals” and, okay, sure – there is just something either very weird or highly attractive about someone who presents with the sexual parts of both sexes while, adopting the female gender role in though and in deed, well, hmm, until their dick got hard and provided, of course, that they weren’t taking the hormones to minimize their male attributes.

I couldn’t begin to tell you how many dudes would see that fine looking babe, get all hot and bothered seeing her and talking to her, sex gets put on the table but when it was time to get naked, oh shit! She’s got a dick! What the fuck! Some guys would react badly and violently, some would head for the hills… and some would say, “Fuck it – let’s do it anyway!”

And this was in the 1980s and in a time when we still believed that you were either straight or you were gay and being bisexual was still a running joke. But now we were seeing more “shemales” out in the open and, well, while many people were revulsed by these creatures, many were having sex with them either for the thrill of it or just because they could have sex with them. I think – and it’s just a thought – that bisexuals were more… comfortable with transsexuals and some gay men appeared to be quite comfortable.

Now, intelligently, I can almost see why pansexualism became a sexuality issue because, simply, not everyone was male or female in mind, body, or even both – gender identity was being questioned, people undergoing reassignment and all that so in the world of sex and sexuality, these people had to be represented as well. Now it’s a question of whether or not one could find such individuals sexually attractive or not…

But even in this, I didn’t see it as being any different from how we go about determining for ourselves what – or who – is sexually attractive and what – or who – isn’t. My contention, both then and now, is that even if you change your physical form, you’re still either male or female and I couldn’t wrap my head around what those folks who were ranting and raving about the gender binary was bitching about except, okay, you could have the physical attributes of both sexes or have a penis or a vagina depending on how you saw yourself as a person or you could be very female inside your head and even behave like a female… but you still looked like a guy; likewise, you could physically be female but adopt male appearances and mannerisms.

Or, aka, “butch” lesbians and effeminate gay men. Nothing to see here and nothing unusual going on, either.

The thing is that you’re either going to be sexually attracted to people… or you aren’t. Since I know that you can not only be sexually attracted to damn near anyone, you can have sex with anyone… provided they wanna have sex with you but, again, nothing weird going on here. I was raised like most people were in my generation: Sex is only between males and females and opposite sex attraction was mandated so if you weren’t, well, you were queer and, trust me, that was never a good thing.

And gender – the act of being male or female – really wasn’t a “thing,” not like it is now… but pansexuality, in my opinion, seems to suggest that it should be a thing and I’m still not convinced that it really is a thing given my understanding of attraction and sex as well as my personal experiences. I just don’t see a real difference other than pansexuality being touted as being more than bisexual due to gender… but bisexuality is being defined with the inclusion of the word “gender.”

It’s a difference which makes no difference and, at best – and in my opinion only – pansexuality is social engineering but one that might make a “good point” in that we, in theory, should find anyone sexually attractive and things like sex and gender should not get in the way of sexual attraction.

Still not different from being bisexual. Now, the author of the blog I referenced way back in the beginning of this responded to a comment I made like this:

“Here are some ways in which bisexuals may differ from pansexuals (though it’s possible that pansexuality is a species of bisexuality, depending on how you define that word):

1. Bisexuals may be attracted to men and women, but the men and women have to be cis-gendered. Thus, a bisexual wouldn’t be attracted to trans people, but a pansexual would.

2. Even if a bisexual were attracted to trans people, it could be that he’s attracted to only a subset of them. E.g., you’re attracted to people who transmen or transwomen, but not to people who are gender-fluid.”

Interesting premises, huh? And I’d go as far as to say that, in principle, it’s kinda/sorta true… but not the whole truth. One of the questions I had about transgenders was is it possible for a transman or transwoman to be bisexual? Then I got to meet a transwoman who was quite bisexual; used to be a guy, now is a gal, still attracted to men and women, still liked having sex with both.

Meeting this person (and a few others) really and seriously had me asking if the purported difference was real… or a socially-engineered figment of our imagination because we’re still talking about people – human beings – and, duh, humans are very sexual creatures.

Period. And while some people do discriminate in these things, some people don’t… because even in its weirdness, the sexual attraction is still there and having sex just makes sense, you know, if you can convince them (or be convinced) that you’re not making a huge mistake consenting to have sex with them.

Is pansexuality just a matter of semantics and not unlike being heteroflexible is? I despise that word because it’s a semantical argument that seeks to set aside what being bisexual means, well, what it used to mean when I first discovered the word anyway. I’m bisexual. I am and can be sexually and emotionally attracted to men and women or, really, anyone I find to be sexually and/or emotionally attractive and even I got reeducated about what that really means after my very sexual encounter with a transsexual. I was seriously bent out of shape about it, too… but not because that hot chick had a dick but because all of my senses got totally and completely fooled; I just did not know that the girl wasn’t all girl until she got naked.

What does gender or gender identity have to do with this? Not a damned thing that I can see. One can still be straight, gay, or bi regardless of their gender identity or, bluntly, whatever floats your boat and how high one wants to fly their freak flag. Pansexuality appears to want to be an inclusive kind of thing when, maybe it really is just me, but it’s always been like this – it just didn’t have the visibility then than it does now.

I don’t want you to think that I’m hating on pansexuals – I’m not; if you’re pansexual, then you are what you say you are. I question the premise of it because, again, I can’t see what the real differences are – and if there truly is a difference and this just isn’t one of those things where we’re trying to make a difference when one really isn’t needed, not if you really understand the biology of sex and attraction and able to take a step back from the social engineering that has always been in play about sex and attraction.

The author – a learned man with a doctorate’s degree, by the way – opined that it’s a matter of Mind Over Body (MOB) or it could be Body Over Mind (BOM) and, okay, I can get my mind around that… because bisexuality is like that – that whole “hearts, not parts” thing and the reality that some folks about all about the hearts – the person and whatever makes them who they are – and some folks are all about the parts… but not really of a mind to discount the person the parts are attached to.

Gender stuff? Some bi guys go nuts over masculine men; some go nuts over effeminate men… and some are even nuttier over transsexuals and transgenders, too. Does that make them pansexual? You tell me because even in this, I don’t see how gender makes that much of a difference other than, perhaps, an intellectual exercise and on that acknowledges that some people aren’t as male or female as they may appear to be…

But we already knew that, didn’t we? While there’s no escaping the biology of sex and attraction, we still decide what we find to be sexually attractive and by whatever means we do this and for whatever reason makes sense to us as individuals, whether it’s hearts and not parts or parts and not hearts so much… and even if we aren’t totally sure how all of this works.

I have a… thing about effeminate gay men – they drive me insane… but I also find them sexually attractive – well, some of them because their behavior can and will make them unattractive in my mind even when my body might be saying, “What are you doing? I wanna get with that!” It’s a continuation of that mind over matter thing where if you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.

Or like everything else about sex and sexuality, it’s a matter of personal preference and if we are anything else in this, we are forever inconsistent – it works for some and doesn’t work for others.

Nothing new going on here. It’s always been about what you like, what you don’t like, what you’re supposed to be doing and what you know you can do if you wanted to. You resonate with others at differing levels, from being friends to, ya mon, I wanna get you naked and gain much biblical knowledge of you because not only does the biology thinks this is a good idea, you just like that person – and for who they are and no matter how they are, who doesn’t like who or what they are.

And gender be damned since, duh, that either matters to a person or it doesn’t; thus it remains a difference which makes no difference… and I admit to being clueless as to why people think it should make a difference.

Again, if you’re pansexual, I have no beef with you whatsoever. Should “everyone” be more pansexual at the intellectual level? Sure – can’t we all just get along… and get naked with each other? The thing is that people have sexual prejudices, some real, some borrowed and/or handed down generationally – I still remember the fierce tongue-lashing I got from my maternal grandmother when I introduced her to my very white girlfriend and whom I was having mad crazy sex with. It didn’t make sense to me but, okay, grandmom, I get where you’re coming from even when I can’t agree with your view on these things.

You just cannot stop people from being people and we are prejudiced and biased in a great many directions and that includes sex and sexuality – who you’re supposed to have it with, who you’re supposed to be attracted to; who you’d better not even think about having sex with, let alone be attracted to “those people”, all of that stuff and more that continues to make me wonder if pansexuality – or the premise of it – is a real thing or just more social engineering and just as the riffing over sex and sexuality has always been in play.

 

Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: Yet Another of Those Moments

I had met “Ken” via an IRC chat room i had stumbled into and decided to lurk a little since the conversation was, at first, hot and heavy but then got stupid as the malcontents known to frequent sexuality-based IRC chats disrupted things. Just as I was about to leave, I got a private chat request from this guy that wasn’t some dude trying to hit on me or some other dumb shit I didn’t want to be bothered with and the proof he wasn’t one of those guys is that he actually said hello and politely asked me to accept the request to chat.

So I did and we introduced ourselves… and I’m guessing that Ken and I chatted with each other for quite a few days after our initial chat where he confessed that he was very interested in learning some stuff about having sex with other men – and stuff that wasn’t the usual crap to be found in an IRC chat room – and because of the way I had answered some guy’s question, well, he felt that I was the guy he needed to talk to.

We established enough of a rapport that when he suggested that we meet and talk face to face, I was all for it; the only hangup was he wanted to meet the following evening and I had something else to do – but the evening after was clear for me and he gave me the place and time.

I couldn’t wait to meet this guy, not because I was itching to have sex with him but it was so refreshing to talk bisexuality with a guy at such an intelligent level. Oh, there was some flirting and naked innuendos but it was nicely done – none of the usual raunchy shit some guys liked to engage in like cybersex, something I really couldn’t get my head around all that well but, eh, I wasn’t beyond using my way with words at times so a guy could read them on a screen while he got himself off.

I arrived at the meeting place – a Dunkin Donuts – early the next evening and waited for Ken to arrive… if he was really going to. I’d had my share of flakes and while I tried to be understanding about being stood up, who likes being stood up? As I sipped on a cup of coffee and nibbled on a Dunkin Donut – the one with the handle on it for dunking – I scanned the people coming and going looking for the white/Oriental mixed guy Ken described himself to be or, as he had put it, “You’ll know me when you see me!”

He was right, too; I spied a guy who had Asian features and the “mop of very unruly hair inherited from his mother” the moment he walked through the door. A bit shorter than myself and a bit more stockier – not chubby, not fat… stocky. I waved to him and his smile lit up the brightly lit place as he waved back, got some coffee and a donut, and joined me at the table.

As we greeted each other, wow, without the black coffee he had in his hand, he was already bouncing off the walls and I found his exuberance refreshing and a bit humorous – you just couldn’t do anything but like this guy. We exchanged other pleasantries as we drank coffee before he said, “Come on – let’s get out of here and so somewhere so we talk talk more privately – follow me!”

I followed him in my car,,wondering where we were going but not feeling “weird” about the area we were in; I knew it well because it wasn’t more than ten minutes from where I lived. A moment later, pulled into a driveway and kinda waved at me to park and as I did so, I was wondering why I’d never seen him before now but I tabled the thought as I turned the car off and followed Ken inside.

Once inside, he asked, “Would it be forward of me to ask if we can get undressed and lie next to each other while we talk?”

Okay… never heard this one before but I agreed and followed him to his bedroom and smiling because he was still bouncing off the walls. We stripped down and took a moment to at each other’s nakedness and he said, “Wow… you have a nice body! How do you stay so slim?” as he patted his belly and a belly I wouldn’t say was a “beer gut” but just part of his being a stocky kind of guy.

I thanked him for the compliment, told him I’d always been slim without having to exercise and joined him on the bed… and we really did talk. I listened as he told me about his earlier “fooling around” with guys when he was 13 or so and kinda frowned when he said that none of the cock sucking he did (three guys) didn’t count toward his interest in doing something as an adult, my cue to kinda spank his hand a little for such a misconception and telling him that if you did it, you can’t undo it and shouldn’t act as if it never happened.

He actually looked contrite but said he understood as that he knew he was just lying to himself about it. And we talked. Even in the relative dimness in the room, I could see his eye get dinner plate big as I shared some of my experiences with him and it was all I could do not to laugh at him for being so… impressed? Still, even with both of us buck naked, it was relaxing and comfortable just lying next to him and talking – it was like we did this as a matter of course and as been doing it for a long time.

I was so comfortable that he actually surprised me when he asked, “Is it okay if I touch you?” – and then quickly added that it was okay with him if I wanna ted to touch him. I agreed and for the next few minutes, we lay there touching each other; he literally started touching my head, then my face, his fingers touching here and there like his fingers were trying to memorize everything about my body.

I, in turn, touched him just as he was touching me and I like the fact that he was in no hurry to wrap his hand around my dick. Indeed, when he got to touching my nipples, I guess they fascinated him because he kept playing with them and making me pretty insane. “Would it be too forward for me to kiss your nipples.”

“Ken, we’re naked together in your bed and we’ve been touching each other for a while now so if that’s what you want to do, I think the permission is implied at this point, wouldn’t you agree?”

My goodness… how he smiled! His first kiss on my right nipple was tentative and if he wasn’t sure about what he had asked to do and for a moment, I thought that if this was some kind of act, it was a damned good one and he got points for it. I shivered as his tongue tasked against my nipple and I heard him mutter, “Wow…” – then had a field day licking and sucking my nipples. His hand had finally found my erection and he moaned in a very odd way as he played with my dick while still going at my nipples.

I had to do something to distract him or, um, well, he was gonna make me cum if i didn’t. So I sat up, used a hand to gently insist he lie back, and did to his nipple what he’d been doing to mine – and then used my hand to keep him in place lest his writhing cause him to fall off the bed. And, just as he did to me, I fondled his erection, making him squirm even more. A part of me wanted to go in for “the kill…” but this was his meeting and, besides, I was damned curious to know what would happen next.

So I stopped and looked at him and he was smiling and blinking and, jeez, he was just so cute! As I looked at him, I wondered again why this man wasn’t already some guy’s lover other than, as he had said, he didn’t have the time or patience for anyone who didn’t want to go at his pace. So I looked and waited; i listened to him get his breathing under control and laid back down close to him – I could feel the heat radiating off of him and it was pretty intense.

“I think I’d like to go down on you, if that’s okay?” he asked a few moments later and I nodded my consent. But he made a pit stop, kinda draping himself on me a little and getting close so he could whisper in my ear:

“You don’t have to do this if you don’t want to…”

And I couldn’t help it – I started laughing. When I could stop, I said, “That’s usually what I tell guys who aren’t that experienced but, yeah, I know Imdon’t have to if I don’t want to but this isn’t about me – it’s about what you want to do and if I didn’t want to do it, I wouldn’t still be here.”

He was so precious and I appreciated his concern and consideration for my wellbeing and sensibilities and I stifled a laugh thinking about how he might react should he want me to go down on him…

I had kinda expected him to kiss his way down to my dick but he went right to it. He was tentative, like he either had forgotten how to do this or he was trying to figure it out. He looked up at me and asked, “Are all…?”

I knew what he was gonna ask so I cut him off by saying, “No – and some guys make me look very tiny…”

He laughed before returning to exploring me with his mouth. As an aside, most guys, when being sucked, prefer someone with experience and skill but there something… lovely about being sucked by a guy who, at the least, is doing it and seeming so I certain as Ken was. But that didn’t last too long; he found his footing and began to suck me in earnest and he was about to completely undo me so I gave him “the warning” and he stopped.

Whew! Ken had a glazed look about him and my dark-adjusted eyes could see how flushed he was and, yeah, his body heat was almost oppressively hot and had me sweating…well, on top of what he had been doing.

“I’m sorry if I’m nit that good at it… but I haven’t done this in a very long time,” he apologized.

“Do I look like I’m complaining?” I asked.

“No, you don’t,” he replied.

“Okay, then,” I said as I smiled at him.

“I guess it’s my turn now, huh?”

“It is.”

“You’re gonna make me cum, aren’t you?”

“I am… unless you don’t want to because, ah, you don’t have to.”

“Do it; I’ve waited for this moment for much too long…”

I unleashed The Beast upon him and The Beast showed no mercy and ate him alive. Oh, he was such a joy to suck! So responsive and surprisingly a bit more verbal than I had thought. His cock was easy to suck and he tasted so good; The Beast loved the way his body was responding as he fucked into my mouth… while saying he was sorry that he was losing control of himself.

Precious… just precious. The Beast toyed with him, savored his taste and feel and when he cried out that he was gonna cum, The Beast allows me to acknowledge his warning before shoving him right off them cliff and into the abyss.

And Ken came… oh, boy, did he ever! His whole body went board stiff and that first shot took me by surprise as it hit the back of my throat – then followed up with so much spunk that I had to hustle to keep up with it while wondering how long he’d been holding on to all of it.

The Beast fed upon him until he had no more to give and reluctantly went back to his cage to see what was going to happen next. I sat up, wiped the perspiration from my face and looked at Ken… then really looked at him to make sure he was still breathing. He was – he just couldn’t do anything but lie there.

From inside it’s cage, The Beast laughed hysterically.

“Holy shit,” Ken finally said. “Holy shit.”

“Are you okay?” I asked with genuine concern; just because Ken hadn’t freaked out before now didn’t mean he wouldn’t freak out now.

“Huh?” he asked.

“Are you okay?” I repeated – and trying not to laugh along with The Beast who,thought his response was funny as hell.

“No, not really but I will be. Um, I guess I should finish what I started with you, huh?”

“Only if you want to,” I said – and I meant it. Despite his three early-in-life experiences, I was treating him as if this was his first time and I take this situation very, very seriously.

“I really do,” he said,as he sat up… and plopped back down on the bed – he sat up too quickly. He cursed soft,y to himself, sat up, took a deep breath and pushed me onto my back gently and went back to sucking me – and I had to hand it to him because most guys, after the cum, can’t continue even if they wanted.

A few minutes later, I groaned that I was cumming and he hummed an “okay” against my swelling cock and I unloaded onto his mouth; The Beast thought it was funny that Ken initially gagged as my seed shot into his mouth; it can be such an asshole at times.

He release me and sat up – slowly – and asked, “Did I do okay?”

“Did you just make me cum?” I asked.

“Sure did!” and his smile was infectious.

“Then I’d say you did just fine,” I said, sighing happily – and hoping this wouldn’t be the last time we got together like this.

It wasn’t. Over the next year, we got together when time and other important things would allow. He learned that he very much like sucking cock and swallowing, liked it when our friendship got to the “fucking each other” stage but didn’t like fucking so much – for him, being fucked was much more fun for him.

The bad part? I knew it wasn’t going to last much longer because it seemed that whenever I found a guy I really resonated with, something would always happy to break things up. And it happened. I moved to the other side of the city and he took another job in another state the same day I had told him that I was going to be moving farther away. I think he took all of this harder than I did… and I took it pretty hard and more so because we never got a chance to “properly” say goodbye to each other, that and the distance that would get between us was a bit too great to make visiting each other a reasonable thing to do.

But as much as I enjoyed my time with him, it was as if every moment we were together as like the very first time. I had hoped and prayed that if he found someone else, he would be able to enjoy them as much as he enjoyed me… and my search for that one special guy began anew.