Life, Living and Loving: Mrs. Feve’s Memoir Project – Space

Space. The final frontier. These are the… oh, wait, yeah, I’ve been a Trekkie since the show first aired and hearing those words still give me a pleasant feeling and when I saw this theme, that was the first thing I thought of.

There’s personal space. Not enough space. Too much space. There’s space that are places and if your mind goes to the gutter, I won’t blame you for that one. Indeed, one of the things that flashed through my mind was being able to have sex in a small, confining but populated space… on a Greyhound Americrusier bus, in the back of the bus, not only with the guy who decided he wanted to sit with me but, um, quite a few of the women in our immediate area.

Three of the best days I’ve ever spent on a bus and thanks to a drink made from passion flowers, um, I don’t remember a whole lot of it except it was a lot of fun.

Space between words. Single spaces between paragraphs. Space is empty yet not so much because even in the void of space, it’s not so empty as it looks. There are the wide open spaces that once made me, a city kid, wide-eyed with wonder and awe. That bus ride I mentioned? I remember what I saw as the bus proceed to its stop in Cheyenne, Wyoming. No wonder that area of the country is considered Big Sky and God’s Country. Just space. Lots of space. Beautiful but somewhat desolate and lonely; the mind tends to wander, to take in all that space and, yeah, sometimes it can make you feel small but a part of the whole.

Space in terms of slices of time; being in a good space and then in a not-so-good space from one millisecond to the next only to return to a good space and, yeah, even the space of time I had to think about what I’m writing and I did have a lot of time and space to think that Mrs. Fever made this a somewhat tough topic because the word “space” conjures up all kinds of thoughts and memories that are difficult to fill or, really, to put into the single space of coherent thought and focus.

And, yes: I was all in the gutter thinking about the lack of space inherent with sex; the closeness, being able to physically a part of another person as humanly possible and being in a space where time has no meaning and so much that a mere ten minutes can feel like an hour or an hour seems to pass by in mere minutes. I thought about the head space in being in the moment, which is a space all to itself. In that space, there is no before and there is no after: There is only now. The space between mind and body even when the body is, again, primally and carnally close. Even the space between what is moral and what isn’t in these moment, you know, depending on what floats your boat; that space seems vast and insurmountable… yet, there’s not a lot of space in between that which is moral and that which is not so much…

And depending on how much space you put between yourself and those who might not agree with how you occupy that space and/or who occupies it with you.

The space between breaths; the space between the blink of an eye; the nearly immeasurable space between the neurons firing in the space that contains our brains that allow us to think and feel and remember. Time and space is so closely related and not so much and there is always the space between one memorable moment and the next.

The space between seconds. The space we wrap around ourselves that can comfort those who are allowed to be in our space while excluding those who can’t or won’t be allowed into our space.

Jeez, Mrs. Feve – could you have made this any harder?

 

Xbox One Gaming: No Man’s Sky (Hello Games)

Holy shit! When I saw this game on GamePass – and while looking for something new to play – I said, “Let’s check it out!” Watched the little video which, actually, doesn’t tell you a lot about the game but it’s free to me and if I don’t like it, I can uninstall it.

I love this game. I’m hooked on it. I hate this fucking game. The first thing the game does is put you on a planet that’s trying to kill you and, yeah, that’s exactly what happened to me. Oh, the game told me what I had to do – find some sodium (more about this stuff later) and use it to beef up my protection or to get inside a cave or other structure but for me, there wasn’t anything around… so I died.

Lesson learned and, I found out, almost everyone who first plays the game gets killed right out of the gate. The game is mission-driven with both primary and secondary missions to be completed and there’s a lot of shit you gotta do… that you don’t know you have to do unless you happen to pick up the game because someone you know is already playing it and can help you. I’ll add that there are a ton of YouTube videos about how to go about playing the game and there’s a Facebook group for it but what I wound up equating the game to is also a sentiment I’ve seen expressed by other players:

This is Minecraft for adults. Once I could wrap my head around this concept, some things became… clearer. Load up on essential stuff, which is a kind of backhanded science lesson: Carbon, Ferrite Dust, Oxygen, Sodium, Di-hydrogen crystals. Claim a place and build a shelter. Sounds kinda easy… except most of the planets the in the game – and there are an untold number of them – are inhospitable and will kill you pretty quick if you’re not on your game and if the planet doesn’t try to kill you there are other things that will try.

You have to fix your gear which, of course, isn’t working the way it’s supposed to. Once you get it fixed, then you have to find a crashed ship and follow the instructions on how to fix it and get it flying… all while the planet is trying to kill you. By this point, you know that some crazy assed storm of some kind is gonna pop up and unless you were lucky enough to find a lot of sodium, well, you’re on your own unless, again, you can find a cave or some other shelter to hide in until the storm passes.

Then you leave the planet you started out on (but you can come back to it if ya want to) but one of the things I learned via YouTube is that before you leave the planet, scrounge around for these items: Cobalt, which is found in caves, and Marrow Bulbs – also found in caves. Oddly, that first planet and where the crashed ship is, there’s always a cave so you go in there and ransack it for all the Cobalt and Marrow Bulbs your backpack can hold (but watch your ass because there are things in the cave that will try to kill you, too, like “Hazardous Plants” which, when you off them with your newly repaired Multi-tool – gives Oxygen or Sodium. With the Cobalt, you wind up making a Refiner; you take the Cobalt and refine it into Ionized Cobalt… because it’s worth a lot of money.

You load up on this stuff ASAP because at one point, you’re gonna have to visit a space station and that’s where you can sell the Ionized Cobalt and all those Marrow Bulbs you collected because, trust me – you’re gonna need all the units (money) you can get your hands on. Here’s the thing that might fuck with you.

While the game is mission-driven, it’s probably best to ignore some of the missions and just roam around the place you’ll eventually call home. Scan everything you can scan (your efforts are rewarded), scrounge for the essentials and work on building your base, powering it, and a lot of other things that drove me crazy trying to do… and still does because, as I found out, you can come across something that you’re gonna need later in the game – but you don’t know that you’re gonna need it… until you need it.

Did I mention the pirates? Okay… flying the ship you repaired might take some doing to get the hang of but you could be attacked by pirates and the thing that made me insane was that, bleh, I didn’t want to fight them – I just wanted to get to where I was going – but when you have them to deal with, um, your pulse engine – it makes you go really fast and warping is something else you’ll find out about – gets temporarily disabled and your ability to boost your speed is limited.

Try keeping track of the pirates, who are zipping around you like flies on shit and you pretty much can’t move a whole lot. Early on, wiping out the pirates is pretty easy… so you know that ain’t gonna always be the case.

There is so much… shit you have to do. A lot of shit you gotta get in order to do things. I am actually playing this game on all three of my Xbox profiles – and I just recently reactivated the third one I had just to use some of the YouTube knowledge I gained and, yep, from all the mistakes I made that I didn’t know I shouldn’t have made. You get to certain points where you can’t really do something but the game keeps nagging you to do something and I finally figured out that this is the time to just roam around the planet and collect stuff to turn into units and to be able to buy stuff you will absolutely need. Here’s the real kicker:

Between my three profiles, I have about, oh, maybe close to 100 hours of game time… and I’m not even close to really getting into the heart of the game and nowhere near being able to do some of the stuff that you can do in the game. Like with Minecraft, shit… I’m looking at players on the Facebook group and all of the wonderful things they’ve built, the ships they’ve collected and some have thousands of hours playing the game – and I failed to mention that this game came out about four years ago and is available for PC, Xbox One, and PS4. So it’s been around for a while and a lot of people have been playing it for all this time.

I told my son-in-law – who’s been playing with me – “Every time I think I’ve done something outstanding, I find out that I ain’t did shit compared to what other players are doing!”

The game throws handicaps at you and at every turn. I spend more time refueling my ship and Multi-tool items than I do anything else. I have one mission in particular – to learn how to build a Circuit Board – and I have no fucking idea what I’m supposed to be doing; the game says to help the Scientist so he can show you how to make one… except, when I talk to him, there’s nothing to do for him.

So I’ve been running around looking for stuff that’s gonna get me some units. I’ve been finding broken ships and trying to fix them – and some of them need items to repair them that it’s not time for me to even know how to get them at the point in the game I am. I can get them flying… and that’s about it. I’ve bought some ships. You find out quickly that you are gonna need a bigger and better Multi-tool and those things ain’t cheap. For them, you start out with a Class C Multi-tool but you learn there are Class B and Class A devices… and they can cost a grip or two.

There is so much to this game, like the Space Anomaly, Freighters, black holes and the list goes on. Most games have a wiki that includes a walkthrough that you can reference to, at the least, figure out what you’re supposed to be doing. This game has one… and it’s completely worthless… and I know why it is.

Methinks it’s impossible for someone or a bunch of someones to come together and write a definitive and complete walkthrough for a game that is so wide open and diverse. Even the IGN wiki – and their wikis/walkthroughs are usually very good – sucks. It’s outdated and incomplete.

So like Minecraft, you just gotta figure out what you can do, when you can do, and all while staying alive. This game is easy… and not even. I love it… and I fucking hate it. There hasn’t been a day since I first started playing that I haven’t told myself, “I’m not playing this fucking game today!” – and I wind up playing it anyway. I am learning – and you will, too, if you decide you wanna try it – that every day, I need to have a plan on what I’m gonna do and stick to it. Yeah, a mission will pop up that has to be done but right now, I’m pretty much ignoring the primary missions, trying to take care of the backlog of secondary missions if/when I can… but I’ve just been stockpiling the necessities and trying to make enough units as I can.

It’s almost boring and tedious work. You always have to be mindful of how much space you have in your backpack. You can get more space but that means trying to locate Drop Pods – which ain’t easy – or being able to buy one extra space from every space station you wind up visiting; once you get a space from a space station, you cannot get any more spaces from that station.

I know this is sounding confusing and I apologize for that… but the game has, again, a lot of shit going on and so much that even as I play it, I’m confused because I just do not know how to do some of the shit I have to do or I get to a point where I just don’t want to do anything except sit in my shelter or my ship… and just be there.

It’s an amazing game and graphically beautiful… and there’s no real end to it. I read that it’s impossible for a player to visit every system and world the game can throw at you… and I believe it. I am trying to establish a base on every planet in every system I’ve visited so far… and it’s a daunting task given what you wind up having to do to build the most minimum base: You need a big enough wooden shelter; a base computer; a teleporter and the means to power it, like the Biofuel Reactor you wind up building early on in the game. You wind up running around and scavenging for the materials you need, oh, like using your scanner to find Copper deposits and then figuring out how you’re gonna get to it without something bad happening to you along the way. Most planets, again, try to kill you with hellacious storms. There are “bad critters” who’ll attack you and there are even plants – and one looks just like a Venus Flytrap – that try to kill you.

Fall into a hole that’s too deep and you’re dead unless you can save yourself. You can get lost in a cave – and just like you can get lost in a mine in Minecraft. The game is… frustrating at times but I can’t stop playing it but, yeah, if you have an Xbox and you have GamePass, go get this game while it’s still free and find out for yourself.

And try to survive. I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve died in this game. There is so much about this game that I don’t know about – yet. Members of the Facebook group are always talking about stuff they’ve come across and/or have done… and I’m nowhere near being able to have a clue. With some games, if I’ve been playing for over one hundred hours, yeah – I know some shit about playing that game.

Not this one. Like I said in the beginning: This is Minecraft for adults and in spaceships and I am happy that I know how to play Minecraft even if I still can’t do all that’s possible in that worthy game. I’ll find my groove in No Man’s Sky – I just don’t know when that’s gonna happen or if it’s gonna happen at all.

Loving this game… and I’d wish it on my worse enemy in a flat, skinny second because that’s just how much the game pisses me off.

 

Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: Pride

One of the seven deadly sins. It goeth before the fall… yet, we are encouraged to take pride in what we do and who we are. But we’re some weird critters in that we see sex as both a shameful thing to partake of while recognizing, for the most part, our need for it. We hide what we do; we hide who we do it with and, in this context, we continue to have the eye-rolling behavior of dissing a part of what it means to be human.

Been seeing a lot of Pride stuff here and there and that’s a good thing but, being from the old school and all that, if you’re not quite straight, it’s nothing to be ashamed of since it’s a given that you’re not the only one who isn’t all that straight. We are raised to own the things in our lives, to adapt ourselves to a great many things and as quickly as possible because we know that the world, on the whole, isn’t going to slow down and wait for someone to get up to speed on what it can mean to be alive.

I thought, “I was proud of my sexuality before it became a thing…” and despite what all the old heads were saying about being prideful or even getting a “big head” over your successes and no matter what you succeeded in. If you’re not going to tempt fate and engage in some pride about who and what you are, is anyone really gonna do it for you? Is anyone else supposed to instill a sense of pride in you when, supposedly, you’re capable of figuring this out yourself?

Depends on a lot of shit but it’s not like I don’t understand what Pride is all about – I do. It’s telling anyone who cares to pay attention that no matter what you think about those of us who aren’t straight, we are here and among you and your… primitive and outmoded thinking isn’t going to make us go away or stop us from celebrating our lives and this aspect of our lives, too.

The old heads – those remaining folks of the generation before mine – have a hard time getting their heads around this sexuality thing; the folks of my generation had a… breakout moment when we started shouting loudly, “If it feels good, do it!” – and then was going about doing it and with great gusto and much to the chagrin to those who were of a mind that we were just… unholy and highly immoral to be having sex – and engaging in relationships – way outside of what was still considered to be the norm.

But the one thing we learned is that we can be… prideful about being bisexual without being publicly demonstrative about it and it’s a thing that many of us still do because even with the greater exposure Pride has brought to the table, there are still a lot of people who think we’re the weirdos and, sometimes, worse that gay folks, because we’re neither straight nor gay.

A mentor told me that we should always celebrate our successes, not only on the job but in life as well; Pride is both a… demonstration as well as a celebration; events taking place all over the globe shows everyone that, again, we are here. We are among you. Some of us are pretty obvious while many more of us aren’t so obvious.

And we aren’t going anywhere. I felt myself nodding to think about this… then I almost got a bad case of the giggles to think, “Hey… since you can’t beat us, why don’t you join us?” I held off the giggles because I know that there are a whole lot of people who are, in fact and in deed (if/when they can), joining us because they’re refusing to keep being suppressed and shamed for being the way humans have always been throughout the entirety of our existence.

Slowly but surely, we are letting go of being afraid of what we are; we’ve quickly become sick and tired of those who keep trying to shame us and make us the bad guys because of what we are. Bisexuals are the new rebels with a cause, taking up the “rebellion” where homosexuals left off and, by the millions who attend Pride events, letting the very terminal Moral Majority know that they are, in fact, a dying breed and like change tends to do, is leaving them in the dust because they continue to hold on to a mindset that is, every single, being proven to be outdated, outmoded, and inaccurate.

Whether anyone attends a Pride event or not, we should all be proud of what we are and whether anyone else knows it or not. Does being bisexual make me feel some kind of way… and in that negative sense? Hell, no – why should it? Oh, that’s right – the people who think no one should be bisexual say I should feel badly about it. Not gonna happen. Ever. In this, I have the advantage of coming to terms with all of this way, way before all the current drama got started and when the focus of societal angst was all on homosexuals and, yeah, anyone who appeared to be – or even falsely accused of being – gay, fairies, queer or just not straight.

We are no different from anyone else; we work, pay taxes, so on and so forth but with the one real difference being that when it comes to intimacy, bisexuals don’t pick a side or, ha, we’re more… equal opportunity in these things.

And proud to be. Because it doesn’t make any damned sense not to be proud of yourself. We talk about the need for acceptance of bisexuality and Pride is visible proof that if no one else is gonna accept it, we do. And we do it every single day and not just when a Pride event is put together. Every day. Everywhere. We are among you and we’re not going anywhere… and with Pride events, we have the nerve to let you know this. You’re not gonna see all of us but in this, if you see one of us, you’re seeing all of us because the one’s you see at events aren’t the only ones who are bisexual. And if you think, “Shit… that’s a lot of people…” you’re right – and more than you could ever realize.

 

Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: The Sin of It

Time to recognize the elephant in the room. Homosexual sex is a sin. Old Testament fire and brimstone stuff with the promise of a painful and gruesome death with a side of eternal damnation. And many believe this with all their heart and soul and, make no mistake, even bisexuals wind up having a major crisis of faith due to the even more major conflict that they’re feeling a way that, way, way, way back in the the day would get you stoned to death (or some other horrible way to die).

I don’t remember who said this to me but someone said, “You know that’s a sin and you’re gonna die and go to hell, right?” and I said something snarky like, “Yeah, I know it and I’ve probably gotten my reservation but the good thing? I’m not gonna be there by myself!”

Yep… that answer didn’t go over very well. Did I know this? Of course I did; knew it was a bad thing never to be done and once I started going to church and started reading the bible, I found out why it was such a bad thing. I didn’t give the person who brought this up a good impression of me with my snarky answer and by mentioning that by the time I found out why it was bad, it was too late; it was closing the barn door after the cows had long since been gone.

I learned that science and religion have never gotten along with each other and this is one of the many areas that they don’t agree on. Sex is a normal and very human thing to do whether for procreation or just for the fun of it and it didn’t take being a Mensa-level genius to figure out the… discrepancy between what science said and what religion was saying. One of them had to be wrong and more so when it was pretty clear that boys were doing it with other boys and, yep, girls were doing it with other girls. Then you toss in the whole “putting away childish things” thing and I was understanding that experimentation was greatly frowned upon but it was also expected and just as expected to go by the wayside once one reached a certain age.

Which, as a bit of an aside, is why a lot of people who’ve experienced sex like this when they were younger tend to act like what they did back then doesn’t count or mean anything in the here and now. That mindset still sometimes makes me roll my eyes because, being the child of science that I tend to be, I know – even if those folks don’t wanna accept it – that once you do a thing, you cannot ever undo it so acting like it never happened is, um, what’s a good word here?

Lemme get back to you on that one.

I remember the day I was talking to my pastor about this and after his very rousing sermon about sin and the wages of sin and with particular interest in the part of his sermon where he strongly suggested that anyone who were, ah, having sex with their own kind, repent and confess their sin so that God can forgive them. I will tell you the end of this discussion first: I got my ass in a world of trouble for questioning what my pastor and the bible said about this and I spent my two-week grounding given a lot of thought about being grounded for asking questions about something when, the reality that I understood was saying very different things.

My pastor, a man I respected very much, didn’t take offense to my questioning but as he talked to me, I did notice that he didn’t really answer my questions; all he really did was reword what the Old Testament said about it and, perhaps, thinking that I didn’t understand it as written – but I did understand it as written. I even had the temerity to point out to him – and like he didn’t know it – that the Old Testament was about Jewish folks more than anyone else so why were we – people who weren’t Jewish – obeying rules meant for Jewish people?

Yep… I’d dug a deep hole for myself and kept right on digging deeper because what I knew – and what I had been experiencing – seriously clashed with what we were being told on Sunday mornings and, of course, with what a lot of people firmly believed in. I’m sure I also outed myself to him but if I did, he didn’t take me to task for being a sinner (which is why I respected him so much) but after all that time talking to him and listening to his explanations, all that did was create more questions in my mind that needed answering. And the question I asked that really got my ass in very hot water?

“If the bible said what it says so that people will make babies, why is it a sin to have sex when no babies are gonna be made?” Yeah… talk about being too smart for my own good. I saw the flaw and got “punished” for questioning it and the source of it all. Thirteen year olds have no business even knowing about this, right, let alone being able to put two and two together to expose a very big flaw about this and more so when I knew that people were having sex and in sinful ways… a lot of people. More people than I could have imagined at that point in my life.

And I understood why homosexuals were getting their heads handed to them and for pretty much the same reason bisexuals, today, are getting their heads handed to them. Because having sex in either mode is a sin and it’s a sin because no babies will ever be made. There’s the elephant and its standing right there waving its trunk and, if it could, it’s laughing its ass off because so many of us believe in something that, in fact, isn’t so much a lie as it is a specific way to do things that has an expected and desired outcome… and anything that doesn’t lend itself to those things are a sin.

Can you say fornication? Sure you can. Who among us hasn’t fornicated? But, yep, there are those of us who fornicate with others who are, at the very least, physically like ourselves and, uh-huh, fornicate in the expected and opposite sex way, too. And, yeah, were I to call for a show of hands on this one, mine would be among the first raised. Did I just confess to being a sinner?

Yeah, I did. Am I worried about it? Worried about the wages of sin? Honestly? Kinda but not so much because everyone dies, saint and sinner alike and if there’s really a heaven or hell, well, one day, I’m gonna find out for sure. Could I repent? Give up my sinful thoughts and ways? I could… but that means going back to conforming to something that I believe is erroneous and too much like a stacked deck, if you catch my drift. I know why the rules say what they say. I don’t disagree with them so much as I am very aware of the inherent flaw in it.

The elephant in the room just nods at me and kinda winks as if to say, “Yeah, you see it… and you get it, don’t you?” I do… and I do. While the bible is pretty damned confusing and open to great interpretation people, on the other hand, aren’t so confusing in this respect. We like sex. We like being intimate with each other and in every way we can be… and including throwing the rule book out of the window… and because we can. Religion knew this and rules were put in place to prevent it and to keep us focused on making babies and doing other things the way those early religious leaders wanted us to do them – and all in the name of God and disobedience wasn’t going to be tolerated and punishment, well, yeah – it had a certain finality to it.

When I really became aware of this, I did consider that I could be 100% wrong about what I was finding out and, believe me, I’ve had so many arguments with others about this and some that got pretty ugly but all that proved to serve was that, crap – what I had learned about why these particular sins are sins was right but what everyone tended to believe? They believed what they were being told and, as such, not believing things when, duh, it was very damned clear that boys did it to boy and girls were having a fun good time with each other.

Not really in defiance of the rules and laws… but because it could be done like this and it was being done like this… a lot and so much that it had to stop… except, it didn’t. Does this mean I don’t believe in God or a supreme being? No because I do… I just don’t believe everything that religion, as an institution, says about this.

The elephant in the room, if it really could, starts laughing. Again, the science says that we are social animals and among the few species that has sex just for the hell of it and, yeah, one of the species that has developed homosexual tendencies as well and it just stands to reason that “figuring out” that there was a middle ground in this, to me, wasn’t all that surprising given how our species developed to have this higher brain function and all its added abilities that allows us to be, for the most part, the dominant species on the whole fucking planet.

I ain’t saying that the bible is lying… it’s just not tell anyone the whole story and, depending on what you believe, is guilty of lies of omission more than anything else. And, yeah… still the guy who knows how much “trouble” I can get into just by pointing this out and the good thing is that I’m not the only one who, by some means or the other, figured this out. It is… easier to obey the rules than it is to break them since breaking rules do have consequences… but isn’t there a reason why it’s said that rules are made to be broken?

All you need is a good reason to break them and the human mind is more than capable of coming up with reasons to break these particular rules and even if those reasons only makes sense to the person breaking them. We can get all into the emotions of it all; we can get into that biological imperative hard-coded into us to have sex but the real reason and the one that few people ever really give?

It’s because we can. And the rules be damned. I see so much stuff written about why people are like this and I’ve yet to read something that states we can be like this because we can be like this, you know, if we want and/or need to. Such stuff likes to point to a lot of stuff – and a lot of it socially-based or even as a result of our long-standing social contract and alleges a lot of defiance to what the social contract – re our morality – says. The real answer and the one religion will never speak to is rather simple:

We’re human. It’s the way we once were before the rules. It’s they way we can be despite the rules, admonishments and promises of eternal damnation and being made to pony up the wages of sin. It’s equally simple: You either believe this… or you don’t. A lot of bisexuals, in particular, have been known to say, “If God didn’t mean for me to be this way, I wouldn’t be this way.”

I had asked my pastor, “If God gave us free will, why do we get punished for expressing our free will in some things?”

He blinked. I’m sure he could have come up with a plausible explanation but I think I shocked him a bit to be asking questions I shouldn’t have known to ask. I got a lot older and thought back to that moment and realized that he didn’t answer my question… because he couldn’t and he couldn’t answer it without exposing the hypocrisy that’s included in any of this… and the inherent flaw and fallacy.

I didn’t get the ass-kicking I had expected to get for doing the unthinkable but I got a tongue-lashing that I will always remember for having the gall to question “the Word of God.” That’s not what I was doing; I was asking why it was the way it was because it didn’t jive with what I was learning and, specifically, about sex. I wasn’t – and don’t – question the Word of God… but I do question the word of the men who wrote it so very long ago and, yeah, in some very different flavors. I don’t ever deny that the rules, as written, do serve a purpose – they do and for a great many people.

Just not everyone. Never did. Never will. I have, at times, thrown the science at some seriously religious people and they either reject the science of our biology or say, “Yeah, but…” and the “but” is usually, “It’s a sin!” Bluntly? It’s only a sin because it’s said to be one… and we believe it until we have reason to either question it… or not believe it.

There are currently 7.7 billion people on the planet (and counting) and there are an untold number of people who aren’t playing by the rules and sinning their happy asses off, not only fornicating but having homosexual sex and going both ways in this. There’s this thing that says one person could be wrong but a whole lot of people doing the same thing? Is it possible that the untold number of people who aren’t straight – even in their thoughts alone – are, in fact, wrong?

They are if you believe what religion says… and religion ain’t ever gonna tell the whole story and most certainly will never speak about what it really means to be human when it comes to love, sex, and relationships. Religion’s way is only one way – it’s just not the only way and the funny part? We know this; we’ve always known this.

We just don’t all believe it even with all the evidence over all this time that, at least to me, proves, without any doubt, that what we believe isn’t the whole truth of things. Easier to say folks are disobedient, sinning, rule breakers than it is to admit that we’re just like this and always have been and the thing that we’ve not yet learned is that the more you try to stop people in this, the more the attempt to stop them will fail.

It’s failed before with homosexuals. It will fail with bisexuals. The elephant in the room is doing the Cha-cha Slide and dancing a jig and I’m watching it dance its ass off… but I’ve always been able to see it and to behave as if it’s not really there (metaphorically speaking, of course) doesn’t make sense.

Who knew elephants could be so graceful? As in any of this, I’m not trying to change anyone’s mind in these things; I’m just telling you something that I learned and I learned it because I had a reason to and it came in the form of a question:

“How can something that’s so bad feel so good?” I know why; went through some shit to find out why and got cussed out, laughed at, dissed, etc., along the way. I know I could be wrong… I just don’t think I am and, again, I’m not the only one who figured this out since everyone who isn’t straight also had to figure it out and in whatever way they could.

I’m just the guy who will point to the elephant in the room that’s still dancing. There’s a lot of talk about acceptance in sexuality and what’s the best way to accomplish this very necessary goal and while we can talk about it, hold referendums and all that, I’m of a mind that the institution of religion is in great need of an update… or perhaps should be “abolished” in some way because it’s not telling us the whole truth and it never did… because we aren’t supposed to know the whole truth.

Yeah… that’s not gonna happen any time soon and even if it did, as long as there is one person who believes in this and believes that not being straight is a sin, acceptance will continue to be a goal that will be hard to reach “universally.”

 

Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: The Other Side of the Coin

I saw Collaredmichael’s name a few moments ago and it reminded me that he had asked why I didn’t write about sex with women so I decided to write more about that aspect and beginning with:

It’s sex with women. Great. Magnificent. Sometimes a bit of a cluster fuck and sometimes like two ships not only passing in the night but two ships not being in the same body of water. Exhilarating. Frustrating. Nothing unusual going on here.

Ah, but I realized a very long time ago that my… penchant for having sex with men changed the way I’d have sex with women because, even if only in my own opinion, there is nothing that will teach you about having sex with women and what they don’t like than having sex with a man. Nothing.

You suck enough dick and you get to learn and understand why some women flat out hate doing it and don’t even ask them to finish it. You get fucked by guys enough and you find out two things – how good it can feel… and how fucked up it can be. So since I know that sex with some guys bears out the fact that they’re assholes, when having sex with women, my “goal” is to not be an asshole. Whether I’m actually successful or not isn’t at issue but, again, when you learn what some women universally don’t like, it pays to do your best to not do that which they don’t like.

Yeah… doing what they do like – and being consistent in the doing – is always a challenge and I think that guys who’ve never had sex with a guy can’t – or don’t – understand why some women behave the way they do, oh, like when you’re having a field day and thinking that everything you’re doing to her is rocking her world when, in fact, she’s just lying there and waiting for you to get done so she can go do what she really wanted to do or why they fake orgasms or, really, behave in any way other than having a grand time getting laid.

But, sure – sex with women is all that and then some: Why wouldn’t it be? Sure, there’s a lot of pressure to deliver and being aware of her expectations, likes and dislikes and, oh, yeah, the fact that any of that can change faster than you can blink makes having sex with women pretty daunting and then there’s always that thing about many of them when and where, for whatever reason, they just decide that they’ve had enough and no one will ever have sex with her again unless, of course, she changes her mind… but don’t hold your breath on that one.

See, there are some who seem to think that if a guy is bisexual, his total sexual focus is on sex with men and for some guys, that’s legit… I’m not one of those guys, though. I’ve gone through my life to date having people throw the “do you prefer women or men” loaded question to which, when I deigned to answer it, I’d reply, “Yes!” Or I’d have to qualify my answer by saying that, sure, I’d take the pussy… but I wouldn’t turn down the dick. Which would I prefer to have first? Whomever I get my hands on first or if she’s the closest, well, my dear, allow me to make my acquaintance!

I’ve even had some folks suggest that because I’m bisexual, I’m not a real and true lover of women and sex with them and my response is to laugh my ass off and, often, hysterically so. Some even think that I’m bisexual because of some inability to have sex with women or have suffered a great many failures in this endeavor. Um… not. Like any other guy, I either succeed or I fail – you get used to it even though failure does suck and in a very not-so-good way. And when some gay guy would suggest or insist that I just give up having sex with women, um, well, let’s just say that there have been times that my response to such a ridiculous thing hasn’t been very nice or polite.

Pussy is good even if their owners are “clinically” and deliciously insane. I make no bones about the fact that I’d rather eat pussy than to suck dick even though eating pussy is actually harder… but do I love to practice! I know some bi guys start to feel some kind of way about sex with women but, again, I’m not – and have never been – one of those guys. I have, in fact, only turned down pussy twice in my entire life, once because I knew girlfriend’s coochie was very sick and another time when my gut instinct said that having sex with her would be a very major mistake.

Otherwise, if a woman wants to have sex, I’m all for it… why wouldn’t I be? Is it about being up to the challenge? Yes… and no because if I’ve learned nothing, I’ve learned that all you can do is the best you can do and that sometimes, your best ain’t gonna be good enough. Some guys, when having sex with other guys, don’t bother to ask about… anything and even with my experiences with women, being with guys drove the point home to me that if you wanna have a good chance of pleasing her – and not making her regret her decision to let you do her, it’d be nice to find out where all of her buttons are. Not that she’s gonna tell you but if you don’t ask, you won’t know but, sure, sometimes it’s fun trying to figure out where her buttons are and she’s doing her best to hide them… and not so much fun when you can’t find them because she’s doing an excellent job of hiding them.

Like I said to Collaredmichael when he asked about this, I don’t say much about it because, to me, it’s just business as usual as far as I’m concerned. I’ve had sex with a lot of women across the country and even a bit world-wide. It’s not totally about successes and failures… it’s about doing something that I really do love and that’s being naked with a woman and doing my best to please her while enjoying the sheer intimacy of it all.

Because I’m thinking that if I didn’t enjoy it, maybe I’m really gay… and I know that I’m not and, no offense, wouldn’t want to be. I can’t and won’t give up women and pussy because I love it too much because, duh, you’re supposed to love it. I’ve wowed women… and I’ve failed to do so – c’est la vie. Learned a long time ago to not promise shit I might not be able to deliver so the only thing I’ll say to this is I will do the best I can if you’ll let me and if you’re game to give it a shot, I’m game… unless there’s a clear reason why I shouldn’t be… but that’s with anyone.

If I’ve learned anything about sex, it’s not to have a lot of expectations and that includes not even expecting to have sex in the first place. Again, sex with men has taught me a wealth of things about having sex with women and that if you can’t make love to a woman’s emotions, you’re pretty hosed where, with a lot of guys, you just have to address their lust and whatever crazy shit they may have going on in their head. It’s not easy to make love, fuck, and/or have sex with women. We know it and women know it, too.

But it sure the fuck is fun to try and chances are that if there comes a time when I wouldn’t want to have sex with a woman, you can be sure that I’m no longer among the living. You know that saying guys tend to say about a woman always having a place to sit? Yep – you want that pussy eaten? Lemme at it. I can do it several times a day, every damned day and I might not even want to stick it in you (but I will if ya want me to).

Even that “simple” thing is sheer joy to do. Back in the early days, women would loudly exclaim, “You gotta lick it before you can stick it!” and I was like, “Okay… hang on to your hat…” It’s the intimacy in being with a woman that really can’t be all that well experienced with men and, no, don’t even ask me to explain that because I can’t and I’ve never been able to. But it’s an intimacy that I love and, to be blunt, there ain’t a dick anywhere on the planet that can replace a woman in my sexual life.

Because pussy is damned good and women are a joy to have sex with even if/when I fail and I know I will so I don’t let it bother me. I don’t try to do more than I’m capable of doing and, here in my older age, eh, I’m not trying to impress anyone.

I just want that very special intimacy that only a woman can bring to the table whether she’s handing me my head or, yeah, doing her very best “dead body” imitation. The only thing I “expect” is for a woman to allow herself to be pleased and, yeah, that’s the hard part because I learned – thanks to having sex with men – that there’s a whole lot of reasons why a woman won’t really allow this. The thing, I think, that makes sex with women so… special to me is that I do, in fact, know what they know about having sex with men.

I read in a few places that not all women have a hatred for bisexual men and that many really do like the fact that the guy is bisexual and I think it just might be due to the fact that, yeah, we know about men and dicks just like women do, what’s good about it and what is so totally fucked up about it that and I think bi guys are a lot more open-minded about sex (I know I am). I don’t write a whole lot about my sexcapades with women but, yeah, maybe I should in order to provide a more… complete picture about male bisexuals. And it’s not that other bi guys aren’t fans of the coochie because they most certainly are; it’s just that sex with men is… so out of the box and so much so that there are many people who can’t wrap their heads around why bi guys love dick so much or even why they’d want to go there in the first place.

Some of that is because of sex with women – and it’s painful for me to say this but it is true and even I’m aware of this… discrepancy – how could I not be? But to give up women and pussy? Not gonna happen. Ever. No matter how many times I fail.

Way too much fun and way too intimate. Chock full of pitfalls and other roadblocks. It is what it’s always been. And, yes, I do think that anyone who doesn’t like pussy needs to have their head checked – but that’s me.

 

Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: “There’s Something Different About You…”

Wow… how many times in my life have I heard this one and how many times have I wondered how someone just seemed to know that I wasn’t like most other guys? And how many times have I responded with, “Really? What makes you say that?” or some similar response?

Okay, so, being bisexual makes me different. In the beginning, jeez, I really did think that I was the only one who was like this even though, um, no, I really wasn’t but once that notion got wipe out of my perspective, I kinda stopped thinking about myself as being different even though I was now very aware that I still was.

You just get used to being the way you are; it becomes a part of you and, well, you just don’t think about it and, early on, that included not thinking about the possibility of someone being intuitive enough to sense or “just know” that you’re not straight and you’re not gay… but you’re something else and the person making the observation isn’t sure what you are.

Some would tell me that the way I walked told them I was different and someone once said this to me and the reason they gave that gave them that thought was how long my eyelashes were. Um, okay, my eyelashes are what they are and as far as walking goes, I did undergo years of martial arts training that teaches economy of movement and, well, you just learn to move kinda gracefully instead of loping or bopping along or otherwise tripping over your own feet.

Ha, a co-worker came right out and asked me if I was either a musician or gay because I came to work wearing a brand new earring.

I was getting an education in how my body language would often just rat me out and I wasn’t aware that it was and, early on, it kinda made me cray-cray trying to either tone down or eliminate my body language which was pretty weird since it didn’t take me long to figure out that I was trying very hard not to be… me. But I could often be in one of those states where my body language wouldn’t be screaming at people and, yup, someone would eventually say, “I don’t know what it is but there’s something different about you…”

And sometimes they knew exactly what was different about me and I’ll be damned if I could figure out how they knew and when asking them, they couldn’t explain it other than to say that they just knew I was bisexual. If I was someone I knew, I’d think that someone “outed” me… only to find out that wasn’t the case (but a few times it was) but if it was someone I didn’t know, well, shit – was my body language and mannerisms just giving away the farm? Was I subconsciously broadcasting my bisexuality to anyone who was capable of picking up on it?

Perhaps I was given how many times guys would just roll up on me and try to pick me up. I’d ask them, “How do you know I’m even like that?” or something along those lines and many would respond, “I just know it…” and, again, along those lines. Yeah, some guys would say that they were hoping that I’d be like that so being in those moments would have me wondering if this… phenomenon was some kind of vibe I was giving off or just and only wishful – and hopeful – thinking on their part.

Years later, I’d hear the word, “gaydar” which someone explained to me like this: It takes one to know one. Plausible… but I wasn’t buying it so much but it kinda explained some things about how perceptive and even intuitive some people are. Kinda. I found that if I had gaydar, it was broken or something although there were – and are – times when I can look at someone and “just know” that they’re different – I just don’t know how or why they are and, no, I wasn’t compelled to ask all that often.

It made me get all inside my head and thinking, “What do other people see when they see me?” It used to bug the shit out of me until I eventually learned not to mess with my own head about it since I’d already learned that trying to change what I thought others might be seeing stopped me from being… me. Still, I got pretty fed up with people asking me if I was gay but I understood why – you’re either straight or you’re gay, right? And I gotta say that it felt really good to look them in the eye and say, “No, I’m not gay…”

Because I wasn’t. I still couldn’t quite figure out those moments when a guy would come to me because he wanted to know what it was like to have sex with another guy. Some would tell me that they either knew or had a sense that they could talk to me about this and not go all medieval on them and for the guys I knew something about, it made sense because I’m pretty easy to talk to… but that didn’t explain those guys who I didn’t know (or didn’t know me) all that well.

It would make me wonder if something inside of them was pointing a finger at me and saying, “That guy over there? He’s the one you need to talk to!” or if, again, it was simply the guy wanting to do something in this and hoping that I would, too. And when I’d ask them why they’re talking to me about this, many would say, “I feel there’s something different about you…” or otherwise infer that they somehow just knew that I was the guy they had to have their first experience with…. or their second. Whatever.

Eventually I gave up trying to figure it out; if they sensed or knew I was different, well, they sensed it and/or knew it and there was nothing I could do about it. I did understand that for some guys, I was prey to them and just because I was another guy and not because they knew or sensed something about me.

While I was going on with my life and not really thinking about myself being different, well, I was different. I’m being myself and part of me is bisexual and that part is, as I like to say, just as normal to me as breathing is and something I don’t have to “think” about. I just am.

Sometimes someone will ask me how I’d be if I wasn’t bisexual and that’s a question I really can’t answer. Or they’ll ask me that if I weren’t already bisexual, would I have eventually become bisexual… and I can’t really answer that, either, since both things infer a condition that doesn’t exist but I’ve often said that if I weren’t already bisexual, yeah, I probably would have been eventually… but it’s nothing but speculation at best and, to me, not relevant because I am bisexual. I am different in that sense but in a more broader view of things, I’m not so different and/or unique because there are a whole lot of bisexual men going on about their lives and all that.

I’m “different” because of the way I think about being bisexual; it’s not just a thing to do – it’s a way to be and a lot of being bisexual has nothing to do with sex but how I look at the world around me but, yeah, a lot of bisexuals view their bisexuality in this way, too, so, no – not all that different as it turns out. People still notice it… and I see them noticing it; I see that moment of… confusion that appears on their face when something inside them are telling them that I’m different and they not only don’t know what’s different about me, they aren’t even sure why they feel/think that I am.

Sometimes, it’s pretty humorous to watch this happening and I’ll just “be patient” and wait to see if they’re gonna say something about it. Maybe they’ll say that they don’t know why I feel different to them and I’ll say, “I don’t know why, either – I’m just me and who I’ve always been.”

Because it’s true. I just don’t see my bisexuality being a “different” part of me and how some are of a mind that they’re “two different people” – I’m one person but a person who happens to be bisexual. It’s as much a part of me as the color of my skin is and I’m very comfortable about it that I don’t see it as two things – it’s just me and the way I’ve been for a very large part of my life.

Then again, I’ve had a very long time to take this inherent duality and make it… inclusive? Not sure that’s the right word. Not two different things about me – just one thing. Me. Five and a half decades of being the way I am which, again, means that I’ve had a lot of time to… incorporate my sexuality into the whole of what I am. We’re all the sum total of all of our “parts” and part of me is very bisexual… and some people, well, they’re just able to sense that. Still don’t know how they can, not gonna lose any sleep over it.

I was talking to Cityman about this one day and when he said that he needed to find a balance with his sexuality and I told him that it wasn’t about balance – it was about integration (and that’s the word I couldn’t think of in the last paragraph), being able to make being bisexual a seamless kind of thing so that being bisexual becomes just as normal as breathing is. You just do it. You don’t think about it. You just are. What you do, well, that’s something else but even if you do nothing at all, you’re still bisexual and more so when bisexuality, again, isn’t all about doing:

It’s what you think. It’s how you feel. It’s what you are. Different from a whole lot of other people? Of course you are and when you’re bisexual, you’re just a bit more different that someone who’s straight or gay. We think of this as straddling a line, living in some kind of gray area when, actually, it isn’t and if there’s really something different about me, it’s that I know this and I don’t question it. It’s one thing, not the two things people tend to think.

One person. Seamless. Integrated. Whole in that sense. I’m not straight and I’m not gay. I’m both and whether I’m doing something or doing nothing at all and it doesn’t make me uncomfortable… but why should it? Maybe, when someone says that there’s something different about me, my comfort level with who and what I am is what they’re picking up on?

I don’t know. What I do know is that I’m just being me… and I am bisexual.

 

Life, Living and Loving: Mrs. Feve’s Memoir Project – Big

I had to really do some thinking on this one. I thought about big dicks and big clits because, you know, my mind tend to not just live in the gutter – my mind owns the gutter. But it didn’t take a whole lot of time to think of something more… appropriate.

Like the day I literally ran into Kareem Abdul-Jabbar.

Like most basketball fans, I’d followed his career from his time at UCLA to his entry into the NBA with the Milwaukee Bucks and then on to the Los Angeles Lakers. Just one of the great basketball talents to ever play the game and his famous Sky Hook was unstoppable (well, until Dr. J did the ‘impossible’ and blocked one during a game with the Sixers).

So I was on a business trip to Green Bay and a class on how railroad tank cars were lined to protect the tank car’s metal body from whatever was being put inside. My boss had decided that I needed this education to have a better understanding of what we did for our company and as a part of him expanding my role in our two-man team.

To satisfy the gutter, I will say that my very big-clitted girlfriend arrived in Green Bay to spend that time with me but that’s a story for another time. Anyway, I spent four interesting days in Green Bay and beginning with my flight from O’Hare to Green Bay… in a prop-driven commuter plane and what turned out to be the worst landing I’ve ever experienced when flying.

The pilot bounced us all over the place and at one point, the twin-turboprop plane threatened to take off again. I’ve been in turbulence that wasn’t that bad or scary! It was so bad that the pilot didn’t open the cockpit door (as they normally did) and it was good that he didn’t because I had some choice words for his ability to land an aircraft.

My classes went well and I managed to pass all the test and was now certified to inspect interior tank car linings and it’s time to fly home but my flight out of Green Bay was delayed for about fifteen minutes – nothing serious – but it was going to make getting to my connecting flight a close call, making me think about calling our travel department to arrange another flight home if I missed the one I was scheduled for.

The good thing was that once we landed at O’Hare, I didn’t have to worry about my baggage, allowing me to bogart my way off the plane and rush through the terminal to get to my connecting flight’s gate. Head down, walking as fast as I could without breaking into a run, I’m dipping and dodging all the other travelers and a glance up showed me that I was gonna get lucky – the gate my flight home was leaving from was right in front of me!

All I had to do was turn the corner and get to the gate desk to check in when, the next thing I knew, I was sitting on my ass! Clearly, I had run into someone and hard enough to knock me down and the shock of my ass hitting the floor dazed me for a moment. Then I hear a voice say, “Hey, are you okay?”

I glanced up… and looked into the face of a very concerned Abdul-Jabbar! Even I as I told him I was okay and we were both profusely apologizing to each other I was thinking, “Holy shit… this dude is way bigger than he looks on TV!” I mean, I’d watch him play and you could easily see how he towered over most players but he didn’t look… sturdy, if you know what I mean.

Running into him proved that he was a lot more sturdy than he looked. He took my hand and literally lifted me off the floor and onto my feet – yeah, he was much stronger than he looked, too! I’m getting dizzy looking up at him but the thing that popped into my head was to not ask him for an autograph; I had read that he could be some kind of way about that so I thanked him, apologized again and he smiled at me and said that he’d love to talk more but he had a flight to catch and I replied that I had to get to mine as well.

Off we both go. I get checked in and in time but as I made my way to the gate to take a seat – and to be all “fan boy” about meeting the great Kareem Abdul-Jabbar – there were some folks in the area who worked at my company and, I guess they recognized me somehow because they came running over and blurting out, “Do you know who that was?”

“Yeah, I know who he is,” I said and like it was no big deal… even though it was. My co-workers bombarded me with questions – what were you two talking about? Did he give you an autograph? What did it feel liked to run into him like that?

Shit… it felt like running into a wall – that’s what it felt like! Still, I was having another fifteen minutes of fame since my co-workers felt it… necessary to buy me drinks on the plane once we boarded and got airborne. I even called my girlfriend once we got in the air and assured her that I made my flight on time and, oh, by the way, guess who I ran into… and literally so?

Okay… let me add something about her and what I’ll tentatively call a “big” moment. We’d made love and had gone to dinner afterward and was told that the hotel was hosting a little “party” in it’s rather nice garden, which was along the Fox River and it was, indeed, quite lovely. We’re walking around, kinda mingling, when a rather nicely dressed couple came over to us and introduced themselves and we’re standing there talking when I became aware of why they were talking to us.

They wanted to have sex with us! I picked up on the very subtle hints and when I looked at the husband and gave him a questioning look that asked, “Are you asking about what I think you’re asking about?” he smiled, winked, and nodded… and I thought, “Oh, whew, hmm…” because my girlfriend was completely unaware of why we’d gotten this couple’s attention. They did everything except come right out and proposition us directly and, to be honest, I was game… but I didn’t think she would be so when they invited us back to their room for more drinks – and she politely declined – I was kinda relieved but greatly amused.

We were going back to our room and she was talking about how nice that couple was and how cool it was for them to just strike up a conversation with us… and then I told her why.

“Um, they wanted us to come to their room so they could have sex with us,” I said, watching her closely to see her reaction – and it was precious.

“Really? How did you know that?” she asked.

“I gave the husband a “what’s up” look and he looked back in a way to confirm what I was thinking,” I said. “They wanted us… and kinda badly.”

“Well, why didn’t you accept?” she asked – and that surprised me big time. “Let’s go back out and see if we can find them!”

We couldn’t find them but I had to stick this in.

Didn’t get to really get our freak on with that couple, had a great time with my girlfriend while in Green Bay just the same… and I ran into and got to meet the great Kareem Abdul-Jabbar! One of the best business trips I’d ever taken and one I’ll remember for the rest of my life!

 

Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: The Secret Society

As I’ve mentioned, I grew up with some pretty horny dudes and it seemed to me that we all got “awakened” to sex at almost the same time including masturbation. But those of us who were “unknowingly” bisexual, it was quite the secret society since you had to be “one of us” to know that we weren’t straight and that we were having sex like it was nobody’s business.

It wasn’t about being outed as being gay that kept this a secret – it was the very real fear of some neighborhood adult catching any of us in the act… and I grew up in a time where the adult neighbors could whup your ass for something, take you home, rat you out, and you’d get your ass whupped again by your parents.

So if you didn’t need to know – or we didn’t want you to know – you might suspect that we were up to something… but we’d never confirm nor deny the allegations.

Or so we thought. Today I can look back at our “secret society” and how we thought that we were the only ones who knew what we were doing and there was no way anyone else could find out; what we didn’t know about was that a lot of other guys were feeling the same things we were and looking for other boys to do it with. Nothing else explained how one of us could be hanging out with a guy who wasn’t a known member of the Society of Really Horny Motherfuckers and that guy would pop the question:

“Have you ever done it with another boy?” Sometimes panic would set in – who was the rat who ratted about what we were doing? Yeah, sometimes, our… activities got spread by word of mouth but outside of that, it never occurred to us that we weren’t the only guys in the ‘hood looking to check this out.

We were some horny fuckers… didn’t say we were all Wile E. Coyote brilliant and that the obvious couldn’t just sail right over our heads; we just didn’t think like that and I thought that our tendency to always be in the moment allowed the obvious to fly right past us.

Guys were “inviting” themselves into the secret society either by asking The Question or, even at our ages, trying to be slick and/or trying to appear to be ‘innocent’ of any of this… and sometimes being subtle about it wasn’t a consideration, oh, like, hanging out with a guy who wasn’t a known member and he just pulls his dick out and starts playing with it… and hoping this in-your-face hint would jumpstart you to do what he wanted to do while hoping that you wanted to do it, too.

They call it experimentation and I guess it remains to be an accurate description although, in later years, I’d see it more like exploration and, perhaps, the “experiment” was to see if one could do it or not; if they found that they could, then the exploration began and, um, in our “branch” of the Society of Really Horny Motherfuckers, the exploration was off the chain… and our numbers were growing and it didn’t take one very long to realize that things weren’t just contained and confined to our particular neighborhood:

There were branches all over the city… and even more that many of us didn’t know about like going away to summer camp and finding yourself rooming with another society member from another city or state. From all walks of life; things like race and color didn’t mean a whole lot and despite the early racial tensions of those early days, there were a lot of guys who were society members and, in this, totally colorblind.

With the one and only caveat and “rule:” Don’t. Get. Caught. Now, many societies had a second rule that, for the most part, was upheld: I won’t tell if you won’t. But, yeah, some would tell anyway, not for the purpose of starting some shit or getting someone into trouble but because all of this was so damned exciting that you just couldn’t keep it to yourself…

Which usually had the effect of adding more members to the society. While there were many young horny fuckers who weren’t of a mind to join the society, well, yeah – a lot at least wanted to give it a try and those experimenters would either walk away from it or join the society.

A whole lot of boys. Of difference ages and other demographic stuff. Masturbators. Cock suckers. No real qualms about anal either way. Some members reveled in doing it all while others had their favorite things to do. Things like guilt and shame were usually quickly conquered because the amazingly intense urge to do it would pretty much override guilt and shame and the logic, at least for us, was easy: Does it make sense to feel guilty/be ashamed of something you wanted to do?

It didn’t. I don’t know how many times another society member and I would be doing something and one of us would say, “You know we shouldn’t be doing this, right?”

And the other would respond, “Yeah, I know…” and things kept right on going. Were we ignorant of the risks? No… well, perhaps ignorant of all the possible risks but, again, the only one any of us were concerned with was not getting caught having sex with another boy. The need for secrecy was important because all it took was for the wrong guy to find out that you were a “fag” and the word would spread faster than wildfire and you’d be subjected to just how fucking evil and brutal some kids could be.

Nobody wanted to deal with this aspect of growing up and especially for this reason so the society remained… under cover? Not all that widely “advertised?” If you didn’t need or want to know, you just weren’t gonna know who was a member of the society and who wasn’t. Today we say that what you suspect is one thing but what you can prove is something else… but within young peer groups? You didn’t have to be suspected of anything to get “outed” as being a fairy or some other derogatory term.

Once you get a reputation for something – and even if you did nothing to earn it – “fixing” it was pretty much impossible. Despite that – and in my local chapter – the society flourished and we learned some shit about sex that, of course, we weren’t supposed to know about but, as I began to suspect, it was known that we were gonna find out about it. We weren’t supposed to experiment with sex, let alone in the boy/boy way of things but it wasn’t unexpected. Wasn’t allowed but you only got in trouble if you got caught and sometimes if too many people were running their mouth and word got back to those who would seriously take you to task for disobeying the order not to do that… or, in rare cases, being dumb or careless enough to get caught or letting it be known you were a member of the secret society.

Society members would come and go (seriously, no pun intended) while the more die-hard of us stayed the course and, often, more so because trying to talk your way into a girl’s panties wasn’t even close to being easy – and some girls preferred to do it to each other before letting some boy with his nasty, scary, and horrible cock do it to them. The way girls were made to be traumatized before they even gave a single thought to having sex was, well, I still shake my head over some of the things I’ve heard that women were told.

So because of this, the secret society remained. Faces changed. Some guys “resigned” from the society and regretfully so in order to do what men are supposed to do – meet a girl, fall in love with her, marry her, have babies – all that stuff.

I’d say that at the height of the great prejudice aimed at homosexuals, it became a great necessity for the secret society to be even more secret. It wasn’t just the few gay guys among us that had to worry – all of us who were going both ways had to worry; the older we all got, the more… vicious people one could come across and they were to be avoided at all costs since a lot of them would be of a mind to do you bodily harm.

Yeah… pretty sure I don’t – or didn’t – know anyone who liked to be bullied and made to fight or even get their ass kicked to even being suspected of being a society member. And I’d like you to keep in mind that this was, for me, between 1964 and perhaps through 1974… or thereabouts. The social angst was still very much on homosexuals, which allowed bisexuals to keep flying under the radar and, as I’ve said time and time again, not without good reason.

What makes me scratch my head a lot these days is that call for all bisexuals to come out and be known… when we still live in a society that isn’t exactly kind to those who aren’t straight – and homosexuals “won” a long and hard fought battle to be recognized like everyone else is… and suffered many casualties of war in the process. It makes me scratch my head to see those “you all gotta come out” people insisting on it even when it’s explained to them how inherently bad it can be and the potential to suffer losses that, well, are intolerable like family and friends. That faction insists that because we ain’t feeling that as an entire demographic group, well, we’re not real. We don’t really exist. We’re invisible.

But the secret society has always been invisible and not really as a matter of course but out of necessity since, again, those of my generation know all too well what happened to anyone who was outed as being gay. Not bi. Gay. Because people are, sorry to say this, stupid. Ignorant. Totally and completely clueless and narrow-minded beyond belief.

Let me get this straight: There’s a faction out there who want you to stand up and literally paint a target on yourself so that those who ain’t fans of anyone who isn’t straight can take pot-shots at you? So that the opinions others have of you can go from good to so bad it ain’t even funny? So you can be subjected to a great deal of sexual prejudice?

No wonder the secret society is secret; unless you want or need to know, you’re not gonna know because just like anything else connected with sex, what the society does ain’t none of your fucking business… unless you wanna join but that, unfortunately, can be difficult since many of the society’s membership don’t exactly go around letting everyone know they’re a member of the society.

We don’t look “the type” because we look just like everyone else and, as I’ve said, you could be standing next to a member of the society and not even know it unless they want you to know it. People see this as a problem when it’s pretty much business as usual for the Society of Really Horny Motherfuckers and, yes, indeed, some of the members are female.

What… you thought it was a boys-only thing? Silly you!

 

Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: Confused

Yeah. Confused. One of the things people have been saying about bisexuals and for as long as I can remember. As with many stereotypes and misconceptions, there’s a measure of truth to this because discovering that you might be bisexual is, in fact, pretty damned confusing since, you know, you’re straight and have been… but your thoughts and feelings aren’t so straight as they’re supposed to be or as you think they should be.

It’s quite the shock to one’s system, to put it mildly. It’ll make you not only question yourself but pretty much everything you’ve ever believed in. It’ll get you so deep inside your own head that, for some, it becomes a big distraction since what you’re feeling ain’t jiving with what you “know” about yourself or, hmm, what you thought you knew about yourself.

Contrary to what’s being said, bisexuals aren’t really confused about “really being gay” and it’s not that they aren’t really aware of how straight they are but feeling this pull in both directions is, well, confusing. I’ve always felt that bisexuals get the “confused” tag slapped on them because of the belief that people are either straight or gay and, well, that’s bullshit and always has been. But since this can be such a shock to one’s system, sure – it’s gets very confusing trying to figure out why they’re feeling the way they are, scouring their brains to find that one thing that might explain this… and then not being able to latch onto anything that really makes sense.

Social opinion about this only adds to the initial confusion – that pick a side and stay on it crap and the mindset that there’s nothing between being straight and gay. We know this; we’ve heard this and, worse, we believe it… well, until this happens to you, huh? I couldn’t begin to put into words what goes on inside someone’s head because it’s pretty harrowing to find out that, in a way, you’re not what you thought yourself to be.

One can flex their mental muscles to ignore the confusion, to push it to the back of their minds and many do succeed in doing this but they find that, eh, it really doesn’t go away so much; it’s “jumping up and down” to get your attention and will keep doing it until you address it – to either acknowledge it or to continue to suppress it. But here’s the thing…

It usually doesn’t take one all that long to say to themselves, “I’m bisexual!” and that’s a pretty tough admission to make given that your feelings don’t seem to be lying to you even if your mind ain’t agreeing so much. But, yeah, the agreement is reached and now many move on to the next thing which is trying to figure out and decide what to do about this.

That’s another kettle of fish but, yep, many do find that the side they picked is the one in the middle – and thus endeth the confusion… for them. For everyone else? Way too easy to believe that bisexuals are always in a constant state of confusion than it is to accept that if someone says they’re bisexual, um, they’re not confused about that – they’ve gotten past this hurdle already.

Again, thought, it’s said that we can’t make up our minds about whether we want to be with women or men – in the opposite sex mode of things; some even insist that since we can’t make up our minds, our attractions and such should be split down the middle or however a guy feels about women should be the same way he feels about men. I’m not gonna say that this is impossible but I will say that it’s unrealistic to think that bisexuals are 50/50 like that… and that the only people who believe this are people who have no clue about what being bisexual is, let alone what it means.

As a life-long bisexual, the only thing that confuses me is why people think the way they do about it or, really, why they continue to think this way and given the much greater exposure bisexuality has been given. Then again – and like I said previously – it’s just easier for some folks to believe in the “hype” that bisexuals are confused and all that other shit that, also again, has been said.

If anyone is confused, it ain’t us. Many of us do go through that very confusing “What the fuck is going on with me?” part of the program. Hell, some of us even get into some denial – but that’s to be expected since one has been strolling through life being straight… and now they’re not so straight and even if only inside their own minds. Nah – there’s no way I’m bisexual! But the fog of confusion eventually clears – sometimes quickly, sometimes it takes x-amount of time – and try as they might, they can’t deny what their feelings have been telling them and once this part is over, the confusion goes away with it.

I’m bisexual. Who knew? Damn! Now it’s on to the “what do I do” part and it’s… optional. Do or do not. Either you can or you just can’t. Confused? No, not any more and, yes, some people are very intuitive about themselves and are able to avoid the high level of confusion or, “I’m bi? Hmm… how about that! Okay!” Nope – it’s not really that simple but fairly close since many who discover this just take it in stride and/or they’re of a mind that it’s easier for them to accept their feelings and thoughts as valid right up front – then, at their leisure, give some thought about how they got to this point and, for many, there’s no real confusion.

And certainly not the kind bisexuals have been accused of. The myths, stereotypes, and misconceptions are a real bitch to be confronted with. Some truth to them… but mostly bullshit and bullshit created by people who are too… hidebound in their thinking and beliefs about sex and sexuality. Ask someone, “Do you think it’s possible for someone to go both ways?” and you’ll probably get that, “Yeah, but…” thing – and if they don’t come right out and say that it’s not possible.

Methinks bisexuals ain’t the ones who are confused.

 

Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: So What Does All of This Mean?

Depends on who you’re asking. What it really means, I think, is that we’re all human and, as such, we have certain needs that must be seen to and even though we’ve all been told of the one official way those needs are to be seen to and taken care of, we’re just too human to be restricted – or even forced – to only take care of those needs in one way only.

It just becomes a question of how one is able to take care of those needs and we are, as a species, very flexible when it comes to scratching our itches and, you betcha, if that calls for bending and/or breaking some long-held rules, well, okay.

Many have been trying to qualify and quantify bisexuality in an attempt to understand and explain it… and they’re having a hard time doing that and more so when everyone who is bisexual has their own thoughts, feelings, and even reasons for being the way they are. What it means to me is different from what it might mean to someone else but I’d say that, at a high level of thought, the one thing we’re not looking at is someone can be bisexual… just because they can be. It’s what works for them or they think it’ll work for them; it makes sense to them and probably more so if they have a better than working understanding about sex and other intimacies.

Or, um, if you don’t really mind, it doesn’t really matter. It’s… funny in that we’re raised to one day take control of our lives, to make decisions for ourselves and to find the best solutions and actions toward establishing our own sense of wellbeing and happiness and part of that is, uh, sex. Being intimate with others and, sure, being bisexual is just one of the three “known” ways to be intimate… except there’s that thing that says everyone has to be straight and without exception and given that we all know this, it kinda makes a little sense to wonder why some people just don’t want to be straight or try to figure out how someone can start out straight and wind up bisexual and even homosexual.

We’re trying to make sense of something that is and always has been normal human behavior and as if there’s some other reason that would explain this “deviation” from the expected social and moral norms. As I keep saying, it’s not that we don’t know that not everyone is straight – we’ve always known this… but we have this ‘need’ to try to define something or attach some kind of reasoning/justification for something we, on the whole, think or otherwise believe isn’t what it really is:

Just people being people; a species of social animal whose existence includes a hard-coded need to interact with each other both socially and sexually. And it’s not as if we don’t know this, too – we just don’t seem to want to believe it but that, in a way, doesn’t surprise me a whole lot because humans are… arrogant in that we believe that such “animalistic” behaviors are beneath us when, in truth, they never were.

We believe that the way we’re told to be really does trump what we can be and when we know that people are gonna do – and be – the way they feel they need to be. I mean, really – there is a reason why so many bisexuals are of a mind that being bisexual feels right, normal, and natural to them despite knowing what the rules say.

If it this means anything, it means that we’re… human and doing human things. We live, we love – and in any way that works for us – and we have sex and, again, in any way that gets our boats floating and rocking and, you betcha, that includes doing that in some very unapproved ways. People say that it doesn’t make sense for men and women to sex each other because they’ve been told it doesn’t make sense… which makes it difficult for those who think this way to get their heads around the fact that, um, it does make sense because, if for no other reason, it’s sex.

And even in this, we are wont to put a lot of conditions in place these days that, oddly enough, tend to conform with heteronormative behaviors and, well, that makes sense given that if we don’t know anything else, we know what those behaviors are… it’s just that not all of us are of a mind to do things that way.

And I really don’t pretend to understand why the people who are beating their heads against the wall trying to qualify and quantify bisexuality – in particular – don’t seem to want to look at that which is obvious:

People are bisexual because it is just as normal as being straight or gay is; what makes it so abnormal is the “fact” that it’s not supposed to be all that normal. I read a whole lot of stuff written by a whole lot of other people about bisexuality and it’s pretty damned rare for me to see something that says, “People are bisexual because they can be… if they wanna be… and that’s pretty normal.”

And more so since, um, humans have always been bisexual and homosexual… and heterosexual. Whatever works. With the rules or in abject defiance of those rules. We just want it to mean something other than what it really does mean:

We’re human. We can roll like that if we want to or otherwise have a need to. We don’t think it’s all that unusual that women suck cock… but we do when it’s men sucking cock and, yeah, we’re looking at who and not paying one bit of attention to what and the fact that if they wanted to and/or needed to, anyone can suck a dick or eat a pussy and, yep, can be screwed if that’s what makes them happy.

We’re just doing what we’ve always been doing and we’ve been doing it for so long that trying to find some meaning – other than it is what it is – is going to escape and elude us and, I think, because it’s something we’ve always been doing. It really just is what it is and for the only reason being we can do it like that. Born to do it? Yes. Have to make some decisions to do or do not? Of course – not everyone is suited for this and no matter what they believe.

What other meaning could there be? We’re human – isn’t that meaning enough? Apparently not, huh? We just want to believe there’s some other reason and the reason why we can’t find one is… because there isn’t one other than, you betcha – we can if we want/need to.

But everyone has to decide for themselves; everyone has to make sense of it for themselves. This means different things to different people – duh, right? That’s to be expected since – double duh – we’re not all the same inside our own heads. But we just don’t give much weight, credence, or consideration to the real meaning:

We’re human.