Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: 27 January 23, 1547 hours

I see a lot of stuff about bisexuality in books, movies, and television along with lots of interest in what celebrities are coming out as bi and there’s a lot of focus and “riffing” about the lack of representation of bisexuality or not getting it right in some way or the other and it just makes me scratch my head because while I understand what those who are talking about things are saying, um, shouldn’t their attention be more on how they can be bisexual? I would think so, but that’s me.

“Classically,” I remember when Queen Latifah came out publicly as bisexual and while a lot of folks were losing their minds over this “unexpected revelation,” there were a lot of folks – including myself – who were saying, “We knew that already…” and, as such, her announcement was just her telling us what we already knew. As other celebrities started coming out and the media was having a field day wondering if they were really gay – or, if they came out as gay, implying that this was just some kind of publicity stunt and, indeed, there were a few celebs that came out who, I dunno, because they didn’t get a lot of media attention, turned around and said that, well, not all that bi but they’d had some gay sex.

The game I’m playing on my Xbox is… LGBTQ+ friendly and I had to give myself the “duh slap on the forehead” because I was so busy learning how to play the game that it took me a while to notice it… and beginning with one quest featuring… gay pirates. It’s not the first time this company produced a Borderlands game with a gay couple in it; Borderlands 3 has a male gay couple and one of them is in danger and I have to rescue them and, in this game, so they could get married and I got to “officiate” at their marriage… in a cave and after killing the boss in a very messy way. In this game, I thought it was cool that Gearbox did this.

And they did it again in Tiny Tina’s Wonderlands and with… gay pirates… and it took me a good “minute” to get the joke and then pay attention to some other stuff in the game, like in the “Mane Square” and the path that leads into the queen’s palace, it’s the rainbow LGBTQ+ colors. One of the “main” characters is a “guy” named “Paladin Mike”, but “his” voice is… female and is, indeed, voiced by a woman – and I made it a point to see who the voice actors were for this game after recognizing Will Arnett’s voice as the “Dragon Lord.” I recognized her voice because she voiced a female character in Borderlands 3. “Equal opportunity voicing.” Cool.

And I think that Gearbox doing this is cool. Still, it’s a video game. Gay pirates. I got it and, in real life, I wouldn’t doubt that any sailors in those days weren’t… getting busy with each other given how long they’d be at sea going from place to place so they could rape and pillage and, in some accounts, um, it wasn’t always the women being raped while the pillaging was taking place and… cabin boys. Hmm. The “running joke” that sailors in the US Navy were, um, gay pirates, too, minus the raping and pillaging but they, too, spent a lot of time at-sea and in a time when women weren’t allowed to serve on naval vessels. My youngest son served in the Navy and he’d tell me how tired he got of hearing about the gay thing but, like I said – it’s a long-running joke that just stuck with this branch of the service.

During one part of the quest to rescue the gay pirate’s partner, there’s a little ditty being played as the gay pirate is explaining some stuff about becoming living skeletons and a part of the lyrics of this ditty is, “Blow, me bony boys, blow…” and, yeah, okay, I got it and was laughing my ass off. Gay pirates. Blow, bony boys. But I didn’t “really” get it in terms of the LGBTQ+ connection until after playing the game multiple times via my multiple Xbox profiles and, mea culpa, but I was busy finding new ways not to get my ass shot off.

As the “fight” continues to get bisexuality recognized and accepted as being a real sexual orientation, part of the deal is… inclusion into the stories we read or watch, too. Just recently, my protege suggested I watch the flick about the Chippendales and the inclusion of bisexuality. I knew about the flick but wasn’t interested in it because… it’s not the kind of movie I’d watch because, um, I really don’t care how and why these famous guys came to be. I did mention to him that in the movies where I have seen bi guys in it, they… don’t get it quite right because they tend to “push” the biromantic aspects, which is fine… but not really since male bisexuality isn’t all about the romantic stuff; I kinda remember seeing another movie with a bi guy as a character and they had him running around and having sex with people willy-nilly and got his head handed to him because he wasn’t settling down with the supposed female love interest and I remember stopping looking at it… because they didn’t get it right – and as I understand this to mean. That the female love interest was demanding that he give up his sexual activities with men didn’t surprise me one bit because… that’s just how it goes in real life so, in a way, they got that part right.

There’s a guy who’s been bombing Twitter with the fact that he wrote a book about male bisexuals being real and I congratulate him for writing his book and getting it out there but… there have always been male bisexuals and, duh, they’re very real to me. I started to see how I could get my hands on the book so I can see what he had to say but decided not to… for now. I see… the need for societies to know that we are very damned real and that we’re really not gay nor are we predisposed to be romantic in our pursuit of cock and ass and, I dunn, like some people feel we should be. It’s at this point where I have to set my biases aside so I can “see” what’s going on and as objectively as possible. I still might buy his book if I really want to know about this take on male bisexuals being real. And thinking that I could write such a book but I might not sell a single copy because publishing censors aren’t going to like what such a book will contain as far as male sexuality goes – I’d tell it all and in graphic detail and sugar free and, well, yeah. It’s been suggested that I do write one and I know I can but I need… time to gather all of my thoughts about formatting and all that other writing stuff that, by the way, I should be doing on my blog… and I don’t.

And I know about the problems Larry Archer has getting his stuff published by Amazon et al. I don’t need that kind of stress and frustration on my mind and in my life.

But we are real. I have found it to be disturbing that we have to be told, in so many ways, that male bisexuals are real and the disbelief that we aren’t and the implication that if we think we are, we’re just on our way to being gay. And, oh, yeah, this is the only part of our sexuality that gets paid attention to. It disturbs me but not because of anything related to male bisexuality itself but how… mindfucked we’ve been made to be that we, on the whole, refuse to believe that male bisexuals are real and the whole really being gay thing when, in truth and in fact, we aren’t gay and we aren’t all that homoromantic as it’s often being said we are and in a bothersome general kind of way.

But I get it… kind of. We’d want society to accept that we, bisexuals, are very damned real and we are a part of things just like everyone else is and the argument for this isn’t all that different from the ones homosexuals were trying to get society to get on board with but this was about their right to be accepted and treated… like everyone else is since, duh, they’re living their lives just like everyone else is… except in a homosexual way. All that crap about bisexuals invoking a straight privilege is… crap since I know that I’m also straight in the way I go about The Big Three… and not all that straight because the homosexual part of the deal – and especially the sexual part – is something I do not have a problem with.

It has seemed to me that bisexuality is being shoved into the heteronormative way of doing things and I haven’t been sure if this is a good thing or not because bisexuality… breaks the heteronormative way of things because, again, it’s not all about love, romance, and relationships. It could be but to… generalize this aspect and as a way to validate bisexuality, well, hmm, I can’t see how that works. Early on in this great debate, it was being implied and said that if you could not be in a same-sex relationship, you’re not really bisexual and my first thought upon seeing this stuff was, “What does that have to do with anything?” Oh, that’s right: This is the way it’s supposed to be and especially if you’re going to have sex. There were a lot of people who were now second-guessing themselves and saying that, um, okay, maybe I’m not really bisexual because I can’t see myself in a same-sex relationship or the many men and women who said that they wouldn’t want to be in such a relationship.

In Borderlands 3, two of the characters were not only gay, but engaged to be married until “shit happened” and now I gotta save one of them so they could get married. The gay pirates in Tiny Tina’s Wonderlands didn’t get married but eventually – and in another quest – sail off to see what’s out there and it was so nice and romantic and so not the way these things really work – but it’s very much a part of the way things are supposed to be. Of course, I’d not say that getting into the romantic aspects is a bad thing, having been there myself but I also know that a lot of guys… just want the sex and, these days, in more of a relationship setting than in the casual way that’s been a part of male bisexuality and for as long as I’ve been bisexual. It’s like this:

Find a like-minded guy and agree to have sex. Do it and very NSA and maybe we’ll see each other again and maybe not. Let’s not commit to anything. Ah, but, if the dick was good and the guy is really okay, sure, um, if you want to do this on a more… regular but irregular way – and that means if we are together, we can have sex if conditions allow it – but irregularly because if this starts to look like a “loving relationship,” well, let’s not and say we did – why ruin a good thing like this? And some not understanding that this is a relationship even though it’s sexual and, perhaps, not understanding how having sex in this way could unlock some feelings that maybe wanted… and let’s not and say we did. Which is also why guys are having a very hard time finding an FWB because they are having a hard time finding another guy who also believes that the only allowable and supposedly safe sex is relationship sex.

My protege tends to lose his shit when an FWB starts getting… too clingy. Getting all weird because he has sex with other guys and getting weirder when he’s not of a mind to drop whatever he’s doing and give the FWB all of his attention and on demand and “hinting” at being exclusive. Sometimes being all passive-aggressive about him having sex with women. And he’s not the only guy I know who loses his shit over this behavior. I understand it and I tell my protege, “Well, that’s what you get for being good at what you do…” and that’s on top of the fact that my protege is a really decent guy. Well, until you start making demands on him about stuff that he’s not interested in. I’ve asked him at times if he could see himself having a boyfriend and having to be monogamous with him and he’s said that he can’t and I don’t dispute it because I know how he wants to go about things; he wants male friends that he can truly be friends with and do guy-stuff… and if sex is a part of things, okay… as long as it doesn’t start looking like a real-deal relationship.

And a lot of bi guys are like this but are being seen as “the bad guys” because relationship sex isn’t the way they want to get their rocks off with other guys. I see other bloggers doing book or other media reviews that is about or includes bisexuality and even they complain about how bisexuality isn’t being portrayed… the right way. That it’s more gay than bi in its presentation or we’re not all running around fucking people and fucking up lives, hopes, and dreams of those the character is interacting with because it’s not them being romantic and “like they’re supposed to be” and, no, not even resembling the reality of bisexuality and especially bisexuality in men, although I’ve seen stuff written by women who say that whatever they’re reviewing sometimes doesn’t get female bisexuality right.

Bisexuality isn’t about heteronormativity or homonormativity which, huh, is, to me, actually the same things as far as The Big Three are concerned – just in the same-sex way of things. Bisexuality… fucks all of this up because we embrace aspects of both mindsets but not really exclusively and in a “monogamous” kind of way but, then again, one of the knocks against bisexuality is that we can’t be monogamous which, um, defies the insistence that bisexuality isn’t real, doesn’t it? The reality of being male and bisexual is that we could be all romantic and everything if it suits our needs and purposes but not by some imagined default.

Could I be romantically involved with a guy? Sure. It happened before and it could happen again. Do I want to be romantically involved with a guy? Nope. I’m quite okay with just the two of us getting our dicks hard and making them soft and if we never see each other again, well, we won’t and, yeah, I know, sometimes when the dicks were deemed to be so good that coming back for more is warranted… as long as we don’t wind up being boyfriends because we don’t need to be in order to enjoy having sex with each other.

And I ‘don’t know’ why there are so many who believe that we have to be “boyfriends” to validate our sexuality and to legitimize having sex. Which is also why bi guys are seen as “the bad guy” because we do not conform to the straight and/or gay “models” all that much. A lot of bi guys prefer women for love, sex, and relationships and men… for sex. Some bi guys are of a mind that they’re doing it wrongly because they have no interest in the love and relationship part of things and, apparently, there are mediums out there who are kinda/sorta saying that if your reason and purpose of being bisexual isn’t about being able to have a loving relationship with a guy and like said guy would have with a woman, um, he might not be all that bisexual and…

I get that look on my face; rolling my eyes or shaking my head in great sadness over how we allow what we believe in to overshadow the reality of things. True social acceptance would be nice and if the only way bisexuality can be accepted is if it’s carried out in the relationship way, for some, this would be fantastic and for others… not even. I have thought that this is “all about” not committing the sin of fornication and one that I know I’m damned guilty of and that’s just with women! I’ve thought that, okay, I’m just imagining this but this has been going on and playing out for so long that I’m sure that I’m not imagining what I’ve been hearing and seeing from other bisexuals and that being in a monogamous relationship – and able to be in one whether it’s with a woman or a man – is the way to be bisexual.

And it isn’t. It never was. It goes back to what my parents were telling me about having sex with girls. Don’t have sex with someone (a girl) that you don’t care about or love and don’t have sex before you get married. Do you know what a “Tom Thumb wedding” is? It’s… “practice” for the day you really get married and, yeah, I’ve been “married” like this to a girl and whether we even liked each other or not but, I would one day think that it’s a way to “suggest” an arranged marriage since in order for one of these to jump off, the parents have to get together and agreed on making this take place and… I hated being picked for one of these things and especially if I didn’t like the girl or she didn’t like me and since we don’t like each other, why are we “getting married?” I’m supposed to kiss my bride – but now that we’re “married,” we can’t have sex with each other? What kind of crap is that?

Oh, that’s right: We’re not really married but we just went through the motions of getting married because this is the goal that we are supposed to set and reach because this is the way it’s supposed to be (and because God said so, by the way). And a lot of us were fornicating our horny asses off with girls… and boys, too. Like I told someone, “When girls had slumber parties, do you really believe that all they were doing was gossiping and other girl-like stuff? Really?” Well, girls would want you to believe that this was all they were doing before really going to sleep and they’d categorically deny anything else. Guys would, too, by the way, because I know for a fact that we didn’t just gossip and do guy-like stuff and then just go to sleep in every instance and occasion. We’d get to sleep… after wearing each other out having the sex we had no business having and even then, we might be friends… but we’re not going to be boyfriends.

And I would learn that among guys who weren’t gay, the “no boyfriend rule” was in effect… everywhere I went. Yeah, having a boyfriend was seen as being very gay and being gay was the thing not to be and more because of how everyone hated homosexuals and, okay, let’s not be like that and being the thing that people hate… and wants to get rid of and by any means they could get away with. For me, this is just how it was, but friends would and could “regularly” have sex with each other even if it was just a matter of convenience, but I like you… but I don’t like you that much, okay? Okay! Now that we have agreed that we’re not going to be boyfriends, let’s do it. And on to the next guy. Or girl. And if she wanted sex but didn’t want a boyfriend? Well, that kinda sucks but, okay, we can still do it. And knowing that unless we were “willing” to commit ourselves to a girl and the way she wanted us to? Ain’t getting any.

Which made getting with a guy… sensible. The option some guys chose when not able to get pussy and even if it was a repeated kind of thing, it would always fall short of being in a relationship and, more often than not, totally shut down if it started looking and feeling like one. We knew then – and in a basic kind of way – that you did not have to be in love with a guy and be boyfriends in order to just have sex. That, my friends, was… really gay and gay was the worst way to be. Didn’t mean that the gay guys were bad people and it wasn’t like they weren’t fun to have sex with but, yeah, some of them wanted us as a boyfriend and one that would not be allowed to have sex with anyone else and other shit that served to put someone on total lockdown in a relationship.

When the media, in any form, portrays bisexuality as a romantic thing, they’re not telling the truth of things but, I guess, it “works” because relationships – and relationship sex – is the way we’re supposed to be doing things and, welp, that’s not the way things really go and works and definitely not as a matter of course. It just isn’t but it’s the… nice way to show it. It is a way to let folks know that, yep, bisexuals are real, and this is the way they can be – all romantic and lovey-dovey – but throwing shade at the bisexuals who are running around and trying to have sex with “everyone.” Or portraying a character as being really confused about stuff, being clinically depressed and all that stuff that is real – but not the way all bisexuals are.

They tell the story the way they want to tell it even if it isn’t not the way things really are. I get it. Books and movies have to be approved for content and if those who are giving this approval don’t like what they’re seeing or reading, fix it to be seen or read in this way or in any way that someone might not find objectionable and offensive and that includes whatever biases the censors themselves may have… or told to have because it’s their job to impose some biases.

Which, again, is why I hesitate to even try to write the book I sometimes feel I must write. No one would want to publish it the way I’d write it and I would be told to “fix some stuff” and… not gonna do that because it wouldn’t be the truth of male bisexuality and as I’ve come to understand and learn about. I read a lot of books that have bisexuals and homosexuals and… they’re in relationships of some kind. The way it can be… but not the way it really can be and I know it because I live it each and every day and, okay, it does get attention because it has to get attention so people who are bisexual can be comfortable with it and not be fearful of being tarred and feathered for being bisexual… but the “high selling point” of bisexuality is still… casual, NSA sex, well, as far as guys go – women have their own thoughts about this and, yeah, sometimes, they don’t want the complications of a relationship either.

Let’s get together and be intimate with each other and whatever happens after that? We can talk about it… or not. It depends on some stuff. Guys would love to have a suck or fuck buddy because… it’s convenient. Once this is established, there is no need to go looking for some other guy. Gets kinda complicated with men who are married and looking for such a buddy because “true monogamy and exclusivity” kinda goes by the wayside since both guys are married and most people can’t… handle two relationships at the same time so being in a relationship with a guy, eh, yeah, let’s just be suck or fuck buddies and leave it at that and, for some and preferably, without someone getting into their feelings.

And, methinks, because they either don’t understand how powerful sex is… or they do know and they know how… messy things can get when feelings other than lust are brought to the party. We can be “regular” sex partners but not in a loving, relationship way and, yeah, not like we’d want with a woman.

I sit back and see these things and… so noted. Wondering what’s driving this… push for bisexuality to be relationship-based and seeing so many men and women who want it to be this way… and not even. I’ve said it before, and I’ll keep saying it: Bisexuality does not conform to that which we deem to be normal as far as The Big Three goes but, shit, maybe it is just my imagination because it’s looking like bisexuality is being… made normal. Undertaken under the same rules that have governed our behaviors since they were written and issued. It can work like that… but the truth is that is doesn’t work like that, either, because some bisexuals… just want the intimacy of sex even if it’s casual and for whatever reason someone does not want to be in a same-sex and loving relationship because, um they don’t have to be if they don’t want to be and, yeah, fornication is a sin and who among us hasn’t committed this one at times in our lives and “felt bad” because it wasn’t done in some kind of relationship?

I… don’t know about this. Normalizing bisexuality under the current rules of engagement… doesn’t feel right but might be the only way bisexuality, at some high level of thought, can be socially accepted. If you’re bi and romantic and about being in one monogamous relationship, fine. And it works for some… and, yeah, really? Seriously? Why when one doesn’t have to go about things this way if it does not fit their purposes? There’s the rub and it’s always been… rubbing. “Larry” and I could meet in some way, hit it off, and find that we have bisexuality in common and, no, Larry Archer, I am not picking on you but, um, hmm, might be fun but I digress. If my hypothetical Larry and I have this in common, we could have sex; If my hypothecial Larry was curious about it, well, I know a little something about that if you want to talk about it. It could be a thing where Larry and I really get to know each other and to the extent that, hmm, if one of us brought up the possibility of having sex, well, it feels… right.

And, no, I can’t explain what that means but I know that it can happen. It’s not… being in love with Larry but it’s about the bond we have with each other and, yeah, um, at this point, I’d want to be intimate with him… if he was feeling the same way or if he brought it up, I wouldn’t be surprised or bothered by it since I’m already bisexual and not of a mind to mind it if my hypothetical Larry were to put this on the table. Is it romantic? Hell, no and it’s not likely to go like this but there is the potential to be romantic and in the way we understand these things. We might become lovers but not romantically so or, again, so inclined to be… each other’s boyfriend and then exclusively and “monogamously” so since it’s possible that my hypothetical Larry is just as married as I am and, well, now it gets really complicated.

We could have sex in that bro-job kind of way, you know, helping a brotha out and all that. That our friendship is, in my opinion, a relationship, well, that complies with the rules, right? Or, realistically, Hypothetical Larry and I could see each other across a room and there’s some sexual attraction going on and we come together, one of us puts an offer out there – after a lot of small talk and other potentially hilarious stuff and, okay, let’s go somewhere and do this. Chances are that I might not ever see him again unless we both agree that, hmm, it wouldn’t be all that bad if we did. I’ll call you. Whatever. Just the way it is. I had a great time – thanks!

Nothing romantic about any of this… but could have sexual overtones. Let’s just have sex and not complicate it any more than it’s already complicated since we’re having sex like we’re gay… but neither of us are.

But there are those who are of a mind that bisexuals have to be… just as romantically and relationally inclined in these things. And those who do… aren’t looking at this the “right way” or, perhaps, they don’t want to.

 

Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: 26 January 23, 1654 hours

Of all the questions I’ve fielded over the years regarding bisexuality, the biggest and hardest one to answer is… why? Why would a guy who isn’t gay want to have sex with another guy? Usually followed by what makes this happen when it’s not supposed to.

There’s a lot of potential answers to why but some folks have wanted a more generalized answer and, well, it doesn’t get any more generalized than “it’s sex.” I remember giving a woman this generalized answer and she promptly responded with, “That’s no excuse!”

Which had me smiling wryly and after going through a lot of possible responses I chose to ask, “You don’t know a whole lot about men, do you?” Oh, my. Talking about someone losing their shit? She went ballistic and I knew she would and I let her continue to “go off” on me until she ran out of gas and politely said that everything she had said about how she knows men proves that she doesn’t really know us like that. I also said that if she really knew about our famous/infamous and hard-wired need to have sex, she’d know that when we want and need sex – and really want and need it – if we can’t get any pussy, then there’s always a guy, gay or otherwise, who will be accommodating… because at the root of this, it’s sex.

And… she didn’t get it. I didn’t think she would and I even told her why she wasn’t understanding this, which drew more ire from her and once she wound down again I said, “This is why guys like me don’t tell women like you why we’ll have sex with a guy; you can’t seem to understand this because you have an idea in your head that… isn’t all that correct when it comes to men and sex. You know what we’re supposed to do… but can’t get a grip on what we will do when we need to bust a nut and there’s no pussy forthcoming or readily available or, even if there is some, there’s “no such thing” as busting too many nuts because there are guys like me who’ll suck dicks with a guy and go home and get some pussy… because it’s sex.”

“And I’ll bet that you won’t ask me any more questions you really don’t want to hear the answers to.”

Man, she was pissed. Went on another rant about how she’d never sleep with a guy who sleeps with guys, so on and so forth and once she wound down again, we had sex. Yeah, go figure and when this wasn’t the reason I was talking to her; that would be her hearing about some dude she knew who got caught having sex with a guy and by the guy’s woman, who was a friend of her cousin, who told her all about it (and probably got the details wrong or exaggerated them) and she knew that I knew both guys, saw me, and chose to… get her perspective changed. We had sex because, as she put it, she had to prove that women were better to have sex with and dudes like me don’t need to do it with other dudes and, um, okay, prove it to me and, yes, if you think this was “underhanded” of me to sleep with her under this situation, you might be right… but she learned something about guys like me in the doing and, my goodness, I wish you could have seen the look on her face when I “politely” pointed out that she just did what she said she’d never do.

Then asked her, “So what was different?”

She had no answer or no answer she was willing to share but she did say, “I can’t stand you sometimes…”

Why we’d sleep with a guy isn’t that hard to understand if you can suspend beliefs and look at what’s at the root of this. It’s not “being into guys like that” – and that is code for being gay – but it is being into being able to bust a nut. It’s not about relationships but, uh, if the dick was good, two guys might not mind getting together again and even on a “steady” basis which could be code for, “If we’re hanging out and want to do something, we can.” Or the much sought after Friends With Benefits which is usually just a sexual relationship minus the emotional and romantic component. Or it might be included. Depends on the guys in question and the devil is always in the details.

It is – and as my protege likes to say – a way for men to bond with each other, which is better than us “always” trying to kick each other’s asses, being territorial, competitive and even adversarial and violent and especially when it comes down to trying to get a woman. This same woman, on an earlier occasion and conversation, said that we – men – needed to do something about the violence that happens between us and, well, getting each other off is one of those things that can lend itself toward that worthy and necessary goal. But while my protege is of a mind at times to opine that having sex with each other should be a requisite so we can bond, the reality is that men are… sexually opportunistic or, if we can get our rocks off with someone, sure – why not?

And even if the someone who’s willing to crush some rocks is… another guy. And they both might be predominately straight but, well, it’s… convenient. I’m horny, he’s horny, we both want the coochie and we just might be able to get it but it’s not here right now and if no one minds – and no one is going to tell – sure, I’ll suck you off if you’ll do the same for me; giving/getting head is the… least invasive way to achieve the desired result. Having said all of this, jeez, how many times have I heard someone say that men don’t need to do this because there are plenty of women out there who’d be very willing to have sex with us? And it’s true but, um, where are they and, better, how many hoops are we going to have to jump through to, bluntly, get into those panties?

Another moment and talking to another woman about this and, yeah, she said that “plenty of women” thing and I saw a… teaching moment and after she was done saying what she had to say I asked her, “Can we have sex now?” and she immediately replied, “Hell, no! What kind of question was that?”

“The kind of question that, in part, explains why a guy would go to a guy to have sex,” I said. “Because we can’t just roll up on a woman who’s caught our eye and come right out and ask her to have sex with us; well, we can but at our own risk. But two horny guys who need to get off right now can and will find reason to ask if dicks can be sucked at the least – and provided whoever puts this out there feels that he can put it out there for consideration. If a guy ain’t into it, well, okay – no real harm in asking but there might be – but that’s not the point because it all comes down to neither guy minding and sucking dick isn’t fucking… and, comparatively speaking, it’s easier than trying to have sex with a woman.”

“But that’s some gay-assed shit!” she had exclaimed.

“The sex is gay; doesn’t mean that the guys in question are gay or even bisexual although one or both guys could secretly be but even that’s not the point. It’s about being able to bust a nut in the most convenient, expedient, uncomplicated, and drama-free way we can manage to do this and… we kinda like things like that but don’t get me wrong here – we will jump through the hoops and all that to get pussy because it’s what we have to do to get it; we just don’t have to do that with each other all that much.”

“You know a lot of shit about this,” she said and giving me a very suspicious look. “Do I want to know how you know this?”

“Probably not,” I said with a grin. “Let’s just say that I’ve made it my business to understand some stuff about this… and leave it at that.”

“You don’t look like the type,” she said.

“I get that a lot,” I said. “So, are we gonna have sex or what?”

“Oh, hell, no!” she said and… then she got it. “So what you’re saying that since I said hell no, if there was a dude who’d suck your dick, you’d be okay with that?”

“Yeah, that’s the gist of it,” I said. “Why? Because it’s convenient, very NSA, and it feels good to get and give head. It’s… not that big of a deal but our society has made it a really big deal. It’s sex. Perhaps not the sex we’d like to be having in that exact moment but, often, it’s better than nothing and/or going home to jerk off.”

“A lot of guys cheat to do that shit so why do they do it?” she asked

“Yes, they do… because would you allow your man to get some dick when he needed it?” I asked.

“Oh, fuck no! He wouldn’t be my man if he cheated on me and with a dude!” she said.

“And now you know why,” I said. “You just answered your own question. It’s always better to beg forgiveness than to ask permission and even when a guy knows that he’ll never be forgiven.”

Answering the question of why isn’t easy because not everyone can easily accept the simplest answer. It’s sex. It actually blurs the lines of sexuality because it’s not always about being straight or bi but being in a situation or moment where needs must and, um, fuck, if you don’t mind, I don’t, and it doesn’t “mean anything” – read this is we’re not gonna fall in love and play house with each other. It’s a means to an end and for a lot of men, that’s all it means.

Of course, if religion hadn’t made it a sin, no one would probably ever ask why. If the male gender role didn’t include all that stuff we have to do and regarding women, no one would probably ask why. It’s funny in that, in some states in the US, it’s illegal but every state has age of consent laws that says how old you have to be to legally have sex… and homosexual sex is included but still very much frowned upon because our morality says so. But this isn’t about rules or laws: This is about human nature. To the question of, “Is that all you think about?” the answer is… yeah, it really is something that’s always on my mind and I know that I’m biologically hard-wired to always have it on my mind even though, politely, I shouldn’t – but that’s because we have a lot of shame attached to having sex just for the fun of it.

It might not be all that moral, but it is very much human. For so many of us guys, the reason why we’d have sex with another guy is, simply, it’s sex. It’s… different from having sex with a woman and the forbidden nature of it is, all by itself, alluring or, it’s good to be bad. Belief continues to severely clash against reality; we’re all about the big three – love, sex, and relationships – and how we’re supposed to do any of these things have been predefined and mandated for us… and it’s not how it can go, you know, if you don’t mind all that much and no one else finds out that you did it.

Straight, bi, and gay becomes… arbitrary, I think because these lines aren’t as set in stone as we believe or think they are when, again, you consider that we all want the same “basic” things in life and when it comes to sex, well, a lot of us – both men and women – will do whatever they must to be able to have it and if some moral rules get broken, oh, well. It’s not to say that people are careless and unthinking in this because they aren’t because even when you know the rules are “bullshit,” you think first, then act if you must and if you can. Captain Obvious says that there are those who can and will act and those who won’t and so many who wouldn’t sometimes don’t see the big picture at the root of things.

Quite a while ago now, my protege and I were talking about some men in India who were arrested for going on a spree raping women and one of the reasons given was that homosexuality is outlawed in that part of India. My protege opined that if homosexual sex wasn’t outlawed and severely punished, maybe the number of women who get raped might or could be reduced and I thought he had a point but that would involve a very fundamental, radical, and wholesale change in cultural and religious beliefs and… that ain’t gonna happen, soon or ever.

I learned early on that when you leave guys to their own devices, there’s no telling what might happen. As a youngster, a lot of sex happened with another guy because… there was nothing else to do. Chasing girls could be done but girls were smart; they figured out that if we can’t or don’t see them, we can’t chase or catch them. Or, if they’re in a bunch, it’s not like some horny guy is going to approach that group and ask the girls if they wanted to do it, although some guys were brave enough to and… they weren’t gonna do that again. Nothing else to do – or interesting enough to do – and can’t do it to a girl but we’re horny and… off we went to do it.

Sex that some men find is way better than no sex at all. Sex in a way that a lot of men wind up “biting the bullet” over because as nice as jerking off can be, there’s always a point where it becomes a chore and barely takes the edge off but what will is… human interaction and, well, shit: Guys fit into this and it’s obvious because… there are gay men. Every guy who has sex with a guy learns that you do not have to be gay to have sex like this: You just gotta want to have sex like this. And we do… complicate this because, I dunno, maybe because we’re not supposed to make it easy for someone – anyone – to have sex with us.

Why do guys do each other? Because we can; it’s prohibited but not impossible to do. It’s sex and it could be more than just that but, devils and details get involved. I guess that people feel or believe that it can’t be that simple, that there is more to this than such a simple explanation and I point to Occam’s Razor at this point and the famous Sherlock Holmes saying. The simplest answer is the right and truthful one: It’s sex. Guys… like sex. Biologically hard-wired this way. My growing up with “two schools of thought” where the question of, “What’s it like to do it with a boy?” was concerned. It was either “Ew! That’s nasty!” or “Let’s find out!” and either resulting in “ew” or… hell, yeah – we gotta do this again and the sooner the better!” We liked girls and, whew, oh, boy, doing it with a girl doesn’t get any better but this is what we’re supposed to do… just not the only thing we can do. More devils and details are seriously involved and uniquely individual, which kinda explains why almost every guy I know of who has had sex with another guy feels like he’s the only one.

And while everyone has an opinion about this, these are the facts as I both understand and have learned them via experience and talking to a whole lot of people about it and trying to answer a question that’s hard to answer – but the answer is simple. I tell people that this is not about what they wouldn’t do and it’s an important thing to consider and, I think, pretty interesting given the many times in having such conversations, it usually turns into that which they wouldn’t do and/or what they don’t believe in. But if I tell you that the reason why we have sex with each other because, at the root of it, it’s sex, why is this so hard to believe and now it’s… “Yeah, but…” time.

And this is what makes answering the question of why so hard to do.

 

Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: 24 January 23, 1617 hours

A man comes over to where I’m sitting at the bar, having a drink and minding my own business and starts talking to me and my first thought – and after a quick look at him to assess any potential threats – is, “Why is he talking to me?” and then “every” reason I can think of starts running through my mind including the possibility that he’s going to ask me to have sex with him because… that’s the way I learned to think when someone I don’t know starts talking to me.

My parents tried to teach me to fear strangers and it worked… kind of because it’s hard to make new friends and/or acquaintances and, yeah, to get laid. I had to learn a lot of shit about dealing with the devil I don’t know – well or not at all – because, in this jungle we all live in, if you act like prey, you will be eaten and definitely not in a good way. Knowing that I can be hunted by both men and women was some scary shit and not everyone has good intentions but the onus was on me to be able to determine this and learning to be the kind of person that you’re going to have a hard time running some bullshit under and past. Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me – but I’ve gotten yet another lesson on how not to be fooled.

All of this and much more is going through my head as this guy is still talking to me and in a general kind of way including the venerable talking about the weather and… why is he talking to me? My situational awareness is expanded because, yeah, he could be a “distraction” and trying to set me up to be mugged and robbed – and I’d very much like to keep my record of not being mugged and robbed intact or be in a position where I might have to kill someone and, okay, don’t focus on this and pay attention to what he’s saying because, at some point in this, I will find out why he’s talking to me.

And I did. Would I be interested in going somewhere so we could, ah, perhaps, suck each other off? Hell, I’m always interested in this, but I need to know more than this although, to be honest, I have been known to have already made this decision before a guy even brings this up – and even if he’s just talking because he needs someone to talk to. But now I know why he’s talking to me and now it’s time to break out my “rubber hose and hot lights” to find out if he is safe enough to have sex or not and could he be my idea of an asshole. I had to learn to ask some very pointed and direct questions and it’s all about how he answers them and watching his reactions to my questions and the fact that I’m being plain, frank and even blunt because those reactions can, might, and will tell me more than the words coming out of his mouth. Stuff like him avoiding or struggling to maintain eye contact, for example. A “sneak peek” to see if he’s already sporting an erection or if he’s “constantly” adjusting himself which indicates to me that, yep, he’s hard and trying to hide it or, perhaps, not really trying to hide it but letting me know a little something about what’s hiding in his pants, intentionally or not.

He’s talking, I’m responding and I’m finding out… stuff about him beyond his now-stated reason for being in my “space” and interrupting whatever I was thinking about as I sipped on my drink. Am I surprised that he wants to have sex with me? Nope because it seems to me that the “moment” I learned that getting some dick was absolutely amazing, there were guys I didn’t know “all up in my grill” and looking to have sex with me and usually because one of my friends broke the “I won’t tell if you won’t” rule or I was just in the right place at the right time and even meeting a guy for the first time and, at some point, one of The Questions would come up: Hey, um, have you ever done it with another boy and if you have, do you wanna do it with me?” And learning “the hard way” that always saying “yes” might not be the great idea it sounded like.

In a way, it’s… thrilling to know that there are men out there hunting me for sex and not so much because it takes a lot of work – in the form of mental effort and energies – to weed out the bad guys because being safe in this is paramount and, you bet your cute ass, I learned a lot of the same shit that girls/women go through with men they know or don’t know hitting on them. And now, there’s a guy I’m “learning” about who hunted for a guy like me, is sure that he’s right about me, and now he’s trying to “close the net” and capture me and with the hope that I will agree that, sure, let’s go somewhere and suck each other off a couple of times! And, one day and in another situation, realizing that I was doing the same thing women were said to do: Making up my mind, one way or the other, in five minutes or less and provided that I really wasn’t in the mood to be bothered.

He’s talking, I’m talking, we’re both asking questions and giving answers and going about our unique and individual processes to be able to make as much as an informed decision as possible because there isn’t a one of us who have made an uninformed decision and, well, damn – why did I think this was a good idea? By the time he gets to the “meat” of his indecent proposal, I’ve already made up my mind and now he’s got a “chance” to give me a reason not to go with him and, on this occasion, he didn’t, we went to his place, and I sucked his soul right out of him and with no intention of giving it back. An hour ago, he was a complete stranger to me, someone in the category that my parents, so very long ago, told me to be afraid of but me learning that you can’t make friends if you’re predisposed to be afraid of anyone you don’t know.

Not everyone you might meet is going to be friendly or have good intentions toward you… but you have to learn how to figure this out for yourself and as evidenced by the few times I made a new male friend and one of my parents wanted me to “unfriend” them because whatever they were thinking but I didn’t and we were great friends and, yeah, sometimes, lovers. As such, everyone you meet is a stranger until they’re not strange to you – and depending on what you’ve learned about making such decisions. I’m writing about this because I was reminded that there are a lot of bi guys who just fear strangers – all that stranger danger – and being prone to always think in the worse case but I have learned that people aren’t a problem until they become a problem; sometimes, you just know that this guy or gal is going to be a problem but unless your instincts tell you this, well, yeah – they’re not a problem until they become one.

There’s been a huge move away from casual sex among men and a way to get some dick that has been the hallmark of sex between men and more so when most guys aren’t interested in getting into any kind of relationship with another guy and all those mushy feelings that a lot of guys are of a mind are reserved for women. Just give up the booty and if more comes of this (no pun this time or yet), we’ll deal with it then. Sure, it’s risky to approach a guy and ask him if he’d be interested in having sex but, well, that’s yet another of the “occupational hazards” involved and lord only knows how many times I’ve guessed incorrectly about a guy and have gotten cussed out and, sometime, had to physically defend myself… but for me, it remained a “necessity” because if I couldn’t get with the devil I knew, what remains is the devil I don’t know – yet – because not getting dick when I needed it… isn’t an option.

The guy who approached me at the bar – “Dan” – was surprised when I said, “Okay, let’s go – I have the time.” I know why he was surprised because I’ve been surprised in the same way: You’re pretty sure that you can ask this guy if he wants to have sex but, at the same time, you’re pretty sure he ain’t having any of that so when he says yes – surprise! It feels amazing to find that you’ve guessed correctly about a guy and, importantly, any of the worst-case stuff that went through your mind isn’t going to present itself. I sucked Dan off the first time and he was… ecstatic, not just because I gave him one hell of a blowjob but because he knew he was right about me and that he had no reason to fear me although, um, I did give him one because his dick was a pure joy to suck and The Beast was very much awake and very damned hungry and Dan wasn’t going to get an “option” to say no because that dick was going to get sucked again and if he thought the first time was something, well, hold my beer.

Such encounters don’t always go right but not in a really bad kind of way because now you find yourself naked with a guy and it’s… clumsy; lots of pent-up nervous energy lending to the clumsiness of things and getting in the way of figuring out how to suck this guy’s cock and in a way that he’s going to find pleasurable and results in cum being given up and, well, sometimes, it just doesn’t go the way it’s “expected” to go, not because of a lack of desire or skill but a little while ago, we both were the devil we didn’t know but… needs always must. If you don’t understand that you can be both the hunter and the hunted, I really don’t know what to tell you but if your response to being hunted is to run away in fear, well, if you’re not getting the sex with a guy that you say you want and need, hmm.

Men have a fear of being raped. I’ve been drugged and raped by a man. Ugh. Walked right into it and… lesson learned and knocking on wood because it could have gone very bad for me and, gulp, fatally so. I had to deal with my stupidity and that was worse than what he did to me and even more so when he took care not to damage me in any way and, goddamn it, he actually did me pretty good and that was even harder for me to accept and deal with… but I had to. Lesson learned and understanding that just because this guy resorted to dirty tricks, that didn’t mean that other guys would or do and protect yourself at all times – and even with the devil you know because, duh, sex changes a person and not always in a good way, either in the moment or somewhere down the road. So when you consider that we have an innate fear of being raped, having a high degree of stranger danger is warranted but, um, if Dan, in this case, was a rapist, I wouldn’t have known it until he actually tried to rape me, and I have a plan for that situation and one that could prove fatal.

But no need to activate this plan. Dan was a great guy to have sex with and he got props for me for having the courage to approach me whether I said yes or no to his proposition. Sex is… risky business. Trying to have sex with women proves this and, usually, in the form of being rejected out of hand and, sometimes, embarrassingly so and with a lot of witnesses to being rejected. Even as I had a field day making him cuss and beg Jesus to save him, I was on “full alert” because… well, because. Sex can make people do…weird shit and I know this because I’ve seen it too many times and, um, yeah, I’ve gotten a little weird at times but, I think and hope, not in a very bad way but, yeah, a little weird and, okay, shit, behave yourself. Oh, and that’s been with the devil I know and that devil knows me but, um, found out how “weird” I can get when having sex totally unlocks me and learning to not get so unlocked when I’m with the devil I didn’t know… until I got to know him in some way and it’s a “safe bet” that if we’re in bed and doing whatever, I learned enough about this formerly unknown devil to make an informed decision and, yeah, hoping I was right and being prepared to face and deal with any consequences that may manifest themselves because if you accept the “role” of being hunter and prey, there’s no getting away from any mistakes made, yours or his.

I learned that this is how the… dick game is played. You roll the dice and hope for the best but also expecting the worse. It’d be nice to always have sex with a devil you know, and you know well and have known for the longest time… but, um, try asking him if you can suck his dick and find out what might happen. In my own experiences, I have made more mistakes with the devil I thought I knew that I have with the devil I didn’t know but, again, an occupational hazard that comes with trying to have sex with anyone, known or not all that known.

At a young age, I learned that when you’re asking someone to have sex with you, be… fearless. Not careless or indifferent but fearless because you’re not going to know what that person is going to say… unless you ask them and, yes, very scary shit with both men and women because that fear of being rejected is very damned real and to the point where it’s… nothing to be afraid of because you know that there’s a high chance you will be rejected for various reasons. It is said that you always give a woman a chance to change her mind; if she said, “Get the fuck out of my face!” – and she meant it – she could change her mind and even if she doesn’t, you have to… allow for this. Works the same way with guys, as it turns out, and I know of the many time when I’ve rejected a guy’s offer of sex and… changed my mind moments later and, sometimes, wondering why I changed my mind but I did and quite glad that I did.

I am… a hunter. I’m also the hunted. It’s… the game we all play and, in some form, or another. Just the way it is. You don’t have to allow yourself to be “captured” – and, yeah, there’s a reason why we chase girls for sex and them doing whatever to not get caught… and even if they want to get caught and… guys – and probably unknowingly – behave the same way. I don’t know how many times I’ve hunted a guy – previously known or not – and got rejected but then he’s hunting me and usually because they’ve had some time to think about it. I’d hit on a guy – nicely – in a bar and he politely turned me down. Well, if you don’t try, you can’t fail. A couple of days later, I saw him in a bar, he comes over and says that he was hoping to see me here again because, um, going somewhere to suck each other off now sounds like a great idea so, am I still interested? Depending on how I go rejected – nicely or rudely – will play into the decision I’m about to make and I still might say that I’m not because I’ve worked “the numbers” in my head and there’s not enough time or some other factor that could result in me saying, “I’d love to… but not today.”

One of the things I had to get used to – and try to figure out – was my many failures being the hunter but when I wasn’t even thinking about having sex with someone else, “everyone in the area” was trying to get into my pants and, yeah, sometimes, women. What the fuck? Now it’s decision time and I’ve politely said no more than I’ve said yes… and I’ve said yes a lot. I understood that if you want to have sex, you have to take some “risks” and whether you’re the hunter or the one being hunted and learning that everyone is fair game… until they prove themselves not to be and, yeah, it sucks badly to get rejected and, sometimes, I’ve felt “bad” about having to reject someone but… occupational hazard and one all of us either accepts… or not.

Dan and I get finished with each other or, really, he couldn’t continue. A damned shame but also a good thing because my ability to go one more time was in question because he was also giving as good as he was getting. We’re lying there “basking” and he asks, “Do you think that we’ll ever see each other again?” and I said, “I don’t know – is that what you want?” To me, it didn’t make a difference if we did or not and with the understanding that if this is what he wanted, well, just gotta figure out how to “work him into” all the other stuff I have to do on a daily basis. He… wasn’t sure. Oh, not sure about whether he wanted to do this with me again but unsure if he would be able to.

When he asked if we might do this “down the road” and if we happened to cross paths again, I said that I didn’t see why not because, in my mind, he’s now the devil I know more about and compared to the devil I had no friggin’ idea about when he sat next to me at the bar and started talking to me. Was I afraid of him at that moment? No. Was I wary? Yes. Martial arts training taught me that everyone is a threat until proven not to be… and you still don’t “turn your back” on anyone and, yeah, especially the devil you think you know. It’s not… paranoia although there is that sense that everyone is out to get you… because they are, in a way and if they’re trying to, ah, get you naked and gain carnal knowledge of you, it’s decision time but it’s my opinion that if you let fear make those decisions for you, eh, that might not be the way to go about things and more so if, by chance, you want/need to get laid.

It’s why I’ve adopted that a life lived in fear is a life not worth living. Make no mistakes: The world has always been a dangerous place and there are dangerous people everywhere and you might even know a few of them. We all want the sure thing, right? But check this one out:

There are bi guys who are scared to death of a guy coming over and making the indecent proposal… but they do this with women and not being worried about anything other than being rejected. That hot babe at the bar is the female version of the devil you don’t know and it strikes me as odd that guys don’t have “a lot of fear” about asking the hot babe if she wants to go somewhere so we can, ah, get to know each other better but asking a guy generates a lot of fear but understandably so since men tend to be more violent than women… but women can be just as violent, can’t they? I sometimes think that, in these things, guys can’t… put themselves in the woman’s place for a moment and as far as having “long lines of men” hitting on them and for the majority of their life to date because if they did, perhaps they’d understand their own… reticence when, out of nowhere, this strange dude comes over, starts talking and gets around to asking if you’d be interested in having sex.

And now, it’s decision time. The guys on the forum, when this topic comes up – and it comes up a lot – tend to be of a time to not only reject the “stranger” but also to fear him out of hand and without a real reason to do so and, again, seems to play into the “trend” of rejecting casual sex and at every turn and… what the fuck? We don’t have much of a problem wanting and having casual sex with women, but we have one where having sex with men goes? Since it’s not all that likely that you’re going to be able to get some dick from the devil you know – and because you really don’t know if he’d be amenable to it, there are only two remaining options: The devil you don’t know yet or… you ain’t getting the dick you want.

I learned that, in these things, if you’re afraid to even engage in such conversations with anyone – male or female – guess what you’re not going to be doing? There are still people here in 2023 who believes that male bisexuals will jump into bed with anyone who’s above ambient temperature and the truth is… so very different because there is and always have been a very high degree of stranger danger and our “habit” of… projecting it forward if we experienced some form of stranger danger and now, everyone we do not know is a clear and present danger to us and now, by default.

I’ve had my instincts about both men and women tell me to run away and like Scotty beamed me up. People have… a feel about them and, well, y’all probably already know this – and I learned that both men and women can pick up on my own “feel” or, okay, how did they know that they could hit on me even though there’s a good chance I’d reject them? Learned that some people just… know and they don’t know how they know or, sometimes, wondering why they’re knowing that there’s something… different about me that tells them that I might be interested in a bit of casual, no strings attached sex. And the thing I had to get used to because, um, yeah, I just might be interested but due diligence mandates that I know enough about you to make an informed decision and, yeah, you can’t bullshit a bullshitter because I know how to play the game, too, and have been playing it for a damned long time and so long that, these days, I’d rather not. Either you wanna do it or you don’t and if I’m perceived as the stranger and you’re predisposed to be afraid of me, well, sorry to hear that because unless you give me a reason to invoke fear or to be fearful myself, what’s the real problem here?

Strangers are only strangers until you find out enough about that makes them… less strange. Understanding that no matter if you’re the hunter or you’re being hunted, it’s not that this is now in play but how it’s being proposed or, as I told a guy, “You can’t ask me any better than that?” and after he literally walked up to me and started talking about what he wanted to do to me and, yeah, I don’t know what made him think that would work and I even considered that this rather rude approach probably worked for him before but, um, nah, homey – not today. “Friendly persuasion” works more and better than any “nastiness” or, yup, you get more flies with honey than with vinegar but if you’re full of shit, well, this is one “fly” who won’t be buzzing around it.

It’s why we all learn how to (a) play the game and (b) not playing it. You’re either going to “play” it or you aren’t and if you are afraid to, chances are you aren’t getting laid, at all or not as much as you’d like to and it’s not really the fault of the “stranger” but a result of whatever fears you’re harboring. It’s not about blindly walking into such a situation but it’s all about making an informed decision – and not being afraid to make one if, you know, getting laid right about now would be nice because it’s been a while. In this, a stranger – male or female – has to give me a reason to tell them no and if I want that carnal knowledge of them, the same applies to me… because it’s how the game is played and whether we like it or not. I think some of us project stuff, like, if I have sex with this person, it’s going to turn into a relationship that I don’t want to be bothered with because (a) they’re already in one or (b) the last time this happened and resulted in a relationship, it didn’t go well because, duh, we broke up.

And some guys fear the relationship potential and tend to exhibit a great deal of stranger danger and not, I think, allowing their intelligence to be able to make that informed decision. Like, guys have great stranger danger because, in their minds, having casual sex with a guy will give them HIV/AIDS or an STD and, sure, there is always that chance but I know that a guy can get an STD from an FWB and, recently, my protege learned this hard fact and lesson because his FWB infected him four times that I know about – and that was the devil he knew. And, come on, man, if that’s what you’re worried about that’s what condoms are for. Some fear the casual aspect because they could get outed and this is their fear talking because, um, duh, if you’re considering a devil you do know as a potential FWB, do you not have to out yourself to him and do you realize that he is more likely to out you to others than the guy who came “out of nowhere” and propositioned you?

Sometimes, we let our fears make us foolish and, perhaps, learn that a life lived in fear is a life not worth living and in any aspect of living your life. We let shit that happened in the past detrimentally impact whatever we do going forward and it’s actually understandable but that was then and with someone else – and someone who wasn’t that much of a stranger and, oh, yeah, before you got to know something about them, that was the only time they were officially a stranger and the devil you don’t know. It continues to amaze me that people do understand this… and still let their fears deprive them of the sexual satisfaction they’re craving and finding every conceivable reason to not take care of this.

I learned not to be like this. I crave the sex and the intimacy and if things get more relational, okay, let’s talk about it and there are no guarantees. My protege likes to ask how I manage to get laid as much as I do and it’s because… I have no stranger danger issues. I am both the hunter and the hunted and… I know how to play the game and I want to because it’s the only way I’m going to get laid when I need to, either with the she-devil I know or some guy like Dan who took a chance and made me an offer I decided to accept and was glad I did. I know how to say no and I have the wherewithal to back it up and… I have been known to say no and change my mind because, well, why not? Might be fun. Won’t know until it proves itself not to be fun.

And, really, if you prove to be a problem, you’ll get dealt with and the same goes for me if I fuck up and become a problem. Just the way it is. It’s… bullshit that the only sex is relationship sex because don’t we all learn how fucked up that can be? Being made to be afraid of having a “fling?” The “shame” of it? Not really the way you want your cookies crumbled but there’s the opportunity to do just that and… stranger danger takes over and makes you fearful when your fears have not been actualized – but you’re afraid that they will be and, hmm.

 

Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: 23 January 22, 1610 hours

There’s a guy who has hyperspermia that’s been posting clips of himself on Twitter cumming and, boy, does he ever cum! Simply, hyperspermia is a condition when a guy produces more semen than what’s considered to be normal and while no one seems to know why this happens, it is suspected that an infection in the prostate that leads to inflammation could be the cause.

This guy cums so much that a lot of people are saying that (a) the clips are fake, and/or (b) he’s somehow using artificial semen and for this one, um, I’m not sure how that even works and how he gets it in him so he can ejaculate it and for the record – and because I know this is a real condition, he’s really busting unbelievably huge nuts and it sparked a conversation between me and my protege of what it might be like to have sex with guy and this is how he cums.

My protege, being the top that he is, was talking about what it might feel like to be “injected” in da butt with all that cum and, since I like to fuck with him, I mentioned giving this guy head and having him unload all that semen into his mouth – and I mentioned this because he’s still a little weird about having cum in his mouth and swallowing it.

Of course, he asked me if I’d want to handle all that spunk and I said that sure – I’d give it a try once and just to be able to say that I did it; if sucking him off, um, I dunno if I could swallow all of it but I’d give it the good old college try. It is to also note that, supposedly, this guy is gay and my protege and I had a moment wondering how a woman would deal with feeling so much cum being blasted into her.

Back in my martial arts tournament days, I took a hard shot to the nuts despite wearing a cup and “swelling” was an understatement but I very much remember having a moment of hyperspermia, which was both quite scary and kinda cool at the same time and a girl I’d had sex with was like, “What the fuck was that?” when I came in her – she thought that I had urinated inside of her (and I’d never do that) – a guy I was sucking dick with was… impressed. Fortunately, it didn’t last long; once all of the swelling went down, things went back to normal.

Guys who have sex with guys have a fascination with cum. I’ve scribbled about this before and, as I probably did then, I can’t explain this in words that makes sense. They not only want the biggest, fattest dicks, they want googoobs of cum and the more cum, the better. Some guys have professed to being disappointed when a guy doesn’t give up “a gallon” of cum and, yeah, there was a time when I’d be sucking a guy, he cums, and… where’s the rest of it? I’d also get rather upset to feel his dick pumping in my mouth and there’s nothing to taste and swallow and, dude, where’s the cum? Your friendly neighborhood nerd wanted to know what the fuck was up with this and… I learned some stuff about sperm, semen, and ejaculation and a lot of the things that can… interrupt this moment in men.

I had to adjust my thinking on getting spunked, i.e., it wasn’t really about how much of it I got but that I’d get it – period. I can remember the times when I’ve “shot blanks” – going through the whole motion of ejaculating but nothing’s coming out and understanding that it usually happens when we temporarily run out of semen, to put it that way since after ejaculation, stuff has to be replenished. Oh, okay. That would explain why, in a third round of sex, um, nothing is all that forthcoming and, yes, the pun is intended. To me, it made no sense to get bent out of shape over something we don’t have any control over but, yeah, those guys who prefer dudes who can bring a lot of cum to the party, they often want to know how they, too, can produce prodigious amounts of semen and the answer is… drink lots of water – usually. And, yeah, in my investigation of small amounts of cum or no cum at all, I would learn that there’s two parts to our ejaculate: Semen and sperm and with semen being the vehicle our sperm travels in and the part of the “process” that’s responsible for acquiring the taste and that semen is going to taste like whatever we’ve been putting into our bodies and… okay. Got it.

But while I learned to be grateful for whatever cum I could get out of a guy, other guys would pitch all kinds of bitches about not getting the amount of cum that they expected to get and now the question was… why do we expect a huge amount of cum? We know that getting a woman pregnant is about timing as far as her cycle goes but the more sperm in our semen, the greater the chance of impregnating her… except, unless a guy is really special, um, we can’t get pregnant so it “technically” doesn’t matter how much cum a guy might shoot in our butts and it sure doesn’t matter how much of it winds up in our mouth but, apparently, it did back in the day and it still does.

My protege suggested that the amount of cum produced is an indication of our virlity and, okay, I can buy into that since, once me and the fellas were all shooting the stuff, if you weren’t shooting a whole lot of it, you’d get teased – unmercifully – about not being “man enough” and like the rest of us who could shoot a lot of it were. There was a lot of pride connected to the amount of spunk we could produce and give to whoever wanted it in them somewhere. Some girls would get pissy about the amount of spunk going in them because, of course, the more of the stuff that goes in there, the more chances there was for her to get into trouble even though, um, in this semimal moment of us learning about sex, most girls hadn’t had their first period yet but, sure, those who “came on early” had good reason to be concerned and pissy and like one such girl said to me, “Don’t shoot a whole lot of it in me!”

As mentioned so many times, girls being very worried about having a baby “made it possible” for us guys to spend time inseminating each other. Now, I’d learn that sex between boys (and even men) was allowed because it was… practice in learning how to have sex with the woman who would be your wife and not long after making it through this rite of passage into manhood and I thought – at the time – “Oh, okay – I guess that makes sense!” Some guys were afraid to do it with the fellas because… they were afraid of getting pregnant and, no, I am not joking about this. It’s funny now but not funny at the time because those guys would rather suck dick and swallow cum than to be fucked and have it shot into them and, yes, just like we were shooting it into girls and, yes, we could get a girl pregnant; kid logic said that if we could get a girl pregnant, then we could get pregnant, too.

And if you’re laughing at this part, I don’t blame you but remember: We were just learning about the sex thing and most of us didn’t really know about the getting pregnant thing other than it could happen to girls and getting a girl pregnant was a bad thing… except, um, we were also told that when we got married, we’re expected to have babies and… adults were crazy and couldn’t seem to make up their damned minds about what we were supposed to do and not supposed to ever do with girls and, naturally, what we were never to do with each other. I would hypothesize that it was possible that the adults of our tribe “overlooked” us guys loading each other up with cum because… that’s pretty much all that would happen since they knew that boys can’t get pregnant.

Which we eventually found out but, still, the guys who were preferred the most were (a) the guys who were shooting the stuff and (b) the guys who were shooting a whole lot of it and… I still don’t know why a whole lot of it was so damned important to us – or why it still is today which I think is the thing that makes seeing this guy cumming the way he does so… fascinating to and for a lot of guys and, yeppers, the number of men who are wishing that they could cum like that and, um, I wouldn’t be opposed to it – but I’m sure that I wouldn’t want to experience having that mechanism altered, temporarily or permanently because that’s a stupid amount of semen and enough that if someone I was having sex with knew that I could cum like that, they might not want to have sex with me… and that could include guys, too.

I’ve thought that there is something going on in the “lizard” part of our brain that is putting a lot of importance on the amount of cum to the front of the line and even making us believe that preferring a lot of cum is our “own idea,” which gets kinda weird because, in a way, it is our own idea since it’s originating somewhere in the depth of our brain but even with guy who are straight or gay, the more cum shot, the better and, perhaps, it’s “purely” a part of the biological imperative to sow our seed and it just remains… connected when men have sex with each other and especially when one guy is in the role of the female in sex.

That’s all I got. Chances are that there is an “official” explanation about this and, if so, I’m not aware of it and at this point in my life, it’s not all that important and won’t be if and/or when I reach that point in my life when I’m really shooting blanks and that’s all I’ll be doing. If we suck a guy’s cock, we expect cum and if there’s a lot of it, ya mon. If a guy fucks us, we want to know that a whole lot of it is being pumped into our backsides or, if he cums in a condom, that nipple at the end is not only filled but overfilled. And… I don’t know why this means so much to us. I mentioned having to learn to not get upset if a guy only gave up a little cum and I did learn not to… but that doesn’t mean that I didn’t feel the… disappointment just the same and while it’s both weird and interesting to see this behavior in other men, it’s even weirder and more interesting to feel it in myself at times and even when having sex with women because I just gotta inject her with all the cum I can manage and I have had women get miffed with me because they didn’t get the “gallon of cum” in them that they were expecting to get but, sometimes, were also hoping they didn’t get, too.

I know about this because it exists within me; I just had to shove it way back in the back of the bus and not be ticked off because homey just gave up a dribble of cum and more when, again, I’d learned some stuff that can get in the way of things and, really, it’s not like we can do anything about how much cum we can ejaculate other than to drink lots and lots of water and even then that might not really increase the amount of semen produced and… it’s complicated and a bit complex but the science is sound and proven but this isn’t about the science but the “mystery” of why there are so many men who are, essentially, cum sluts who want large amounts of it over a tiny bit of it and, yes, being quite perturbed when homey doesn’t cum at all.

I’m thinking that some of the male cum sluts I know of would think twice about their love of large loads if they saw the guy with hyperspermia getting himself off. Even something in my head said, upon seeing this guy cum, “Whoa – that’s way too much cum!” but I know about hyperspermia because I screwed up and mentioned this to my mother – the nurse – after that hard shot to the cubes and the resulting swelling and it hurting in places I didn’t know one could feel pain in and, yep, I got hauled off to the doctor who explained that, first, everything would be okay once the swelling went down and if I was ejaculating a lot of semen, don’t worry about it because it happens sometimes and that’s all he had to say about it and you bet that I felt very damned weird talking to the doctor about (a) me being sexually active and quite able to ejaculate and (b) my mother sitting right there and listening to all of it but, then again, I always suspected that she knew I was active and how I was active. Didn’t make me feel good looking at her and she’s trying not to laugh and not exhibiting any of that clinical detachment I’d hear her talking about being a necessity in her line of work.

More so when I had to tell the doctor that I noticed this having sex with a girl and the look on my mother’s face that suggested we might be having a conversation about that. We didn’t but, still. Being able to unload a lot of cum was scary but cool but also temporary and, today, I can’t imagine something going quirky with my prostate and experiencing hyperspermia and it’s not going away anytime soon and if it will. It would indicate that something’s not right with my prostate and at my age, this is pretty serious but, apparently, it’s a… harmless condition that may or may not affect one’s ability to father children.

Still, being able to shoot a lot of cum is important to us… and so is getting a lot of it. The first I understand and the second… not so much but I know it and know it well and I’m thinking that if I can’t explain this about myself and to myself, it’s never going to help me understand this about other guys. Hyperspermia is an impressive display of ejaculatory expression. Holy shit. Probably makes true cum slut have an orgasm or five just thinking about being on the receiving end of so much semen. I allowed that I’ve had some guys fill my mouth and ass seriously decently but, as I think about those moments, maybe they were “suffering” from hyperspermia or just naturally dispose to bring a lot of cum or, yeah, he’d been “storing it up” for a while and, hell, yeah, gimme all of it… but a tiny bit – or no cum at all – still “fucks” with something in the back of my mind.

It bugs the shit out of me and I know it shouldn’t. So many guys have cum in my mouth, in my ass as well as all over my hand and… apologizing because as far as they could tell, there wasn’t a whole lot of it and in my head, it was okay and not okay and the “persisten” question of why wasn’t it okay if a little cum was all he had to give?

I don’t know and I probably will never know. “A lot” of male bisexuality is about the sex and being able to cum – or get a guy to cum – and then feeling some kind of way when there’s “not enough” of it… but, again, running into someone with hyperspermia just might change some minds and maybe not. Would I mind that guy giving me all that cum? No… but kinda yes if it’s going in my mouth because I’m not sure I could keep up with all of it, let alone get it all down and keep it down but I’d be willing to give it a shot because that part of my brain that likes a whole lot of cum says that it’d be fun even though I watched a clip of him blasting himself three times in the face before the tidal wave of semen receded but still enough semen to soak the shirt he was wearing.

I wanted all that cum and I don’t consider myself to be a cum slut; at the same time, oh, hells to the no – not even of a mind to have anything to do with all that cum. My protege was “joking” about being fucked and a guy like this dude blasting so much cum in there that it would immediately start flowing out and as fast as he was putting it in. I said that I’d had guys fill my butt to overflowing a few times and their dick was still buried in me but that was an “exception” more than a rule because I was aware of that “odd” thing where a guy having sex with a guy for the first time “tends” to shoot really big loads and of the “holy shit where was he keeping all of this” variety and my not being able to figure out why this happens in this situation because it would surprise… both of us. I would opine to myself that it had something to do with the level of excitement he was feeling but for those first-time guys who’d cum in me somewhere and it was a dribble and not enough to ooze out of me, I would opine that the guy in question was “too excited” to ejaculate “properly” and whatever the fuck that meant.

Not getting a lot of cum is… disappointing and, again, I know it shouldn’t be. All that really matters is did he cum and if the answer is yes, then great because that’s what we both wanted to happen. It could be a virility thing in us and a “biological preference” for being inseminated by a very virile man that, to me, speaks to some stuff about how men and women aren’t as different as we think we are sexually. Back in the day, we joked about making each other have “jelly babies;” that’s when you got screwed by a guy, he came in you, and his cum started oozing out of you and the more that oozed out, the better the “jelly baby” you were made to “have given birth” to.

It plays into guys who talk about being bred and, well, we can’t be bred but we can do what it takes to breed females and, yeah, this, too, can play into that girly and bitchy feeling a lot of guys talk about and especially when the guy fucking them… cums and even then, the more he can put in there, the better… and I’ll be damned if I know why.

I just know that it’s like that. I don’t require a guy to produce huge loads. If he does, he does and if not, that’s just how shit works. I try to wrap my head around guys these days making being able to shoot a huge load a requirement for having sex since I know that we really don’t have any control over how much cum we want to produce and the shit that can go on with us and at any given time where we might not give up a lot of cum. And knowing that this isn’t some “new” thing in the world of M2M sex because my friends and I were all about getting huge loads of spunk and getting miffed when the other guy didn’t or couldn’t give up a lot of it.

Curious, huh? Girls had a… conditioned aversion to cum, spunk, jizz, whatever you wanna call it. Most did not want it in their pussies and for good reason, but most didn’t want it in their mouth and if you put it in their butt, well, it wasn’t in their mouth or pussy and some “stuff” was satisfied. Guys, on the other hand, we wanted all we could get in our mouth and butts – and depending on being so inclined to get it either way. We would get together and jerk off in front of each other to see who could shoot the most and who could shoot it the farthest and woe be unto the guy who (a) couldn’t shoot a whole lot and/or (b) not shoot it that far. It was a game that, I felt, meant something other than a fun thing for us to do.

Being able to make each other cum was damned important even if we didn’t understand why it was. You shoot the stuff that girls were afraid of and you give up all of it and the more, the better. If you were unfortunate enough to not be able to screw and cream a girl – or she wouldn’t suck you off and definitely wasn’t going to let you fuck her in the ass, well, “everyone” knew a guy who wanted your dick and all the cum you could shoot and there was something about that which carried a lot of importance. A true sign of virility and finally “being a man?” Maybe. That makes sense where being able to bust huge nuts went but doesn’t where being on the receiving end of such a huge nut went. An amount of pride to be able to take all a guy had to give, both orally and anally; all those times when a guy would yell out that he was going to do it and I yelled back, “Give all of it to me!” and not knowing why I wanted all of it and, yeah, getting mad when I didn’t get “all of it” or any of it.

Screwing girls/women, telling them that I’m gonna cum and them telling me and demanding that I put all of it in them and don’t hold any back and if there wasn’t any or a “whole lot” oozing out out of them once I pulled out, um, that might be a problem but, sometimes, not really because we both knew that I came and if nothing oozed out, it was either “a little bit” or, I thought, her body just… absorbed it. Something like that or not even close. What I do know is that there is… something about being inseminated and it’s just not women who feels this something since I’ve felt it every time I’ve been inseminated… and quite unhappy when I wasn’t and the many women I’d hear dogging guys for not “doing their job.”

If it was just me, I might not be “all that concerned” about this phenomenon but it isn’t just me because there are a lot of guys who want gigantic loads of cum and get… distressed when they don’t. Guys talk about the “reward” for all of the hard work and I get that… but that’s not what’s really going on and I’m sure of this… but I don’t know what’s really going on.

 

Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: 22 January 23, 1446 hours

The blowjob. Stock in trade for guys as a prime entry point for sex with other guys. Lots of things to learn beyond “merely” taking a prick into your mouth and “sucking” it. As I finished that sentence, I was chuckling to myself to remember a friend doing it for the first time and he literally sucked my dick like it was the nipple on a bottle or a straw. It was funny then, too, but it felt pretty good and it didn’t take him long to “figure it out” and get into the classic up and down motion.

Some stuff learned from the early days. You either did it or you were too afraid to; you either got “good’ at it or you, pun intended, sucked at it. It didn’t matter how good you could fuck or be fucked because the “word on the street” was that if you weren’t good at the blowjob, it was presumed that you weren’t good at anything else. What I and the others would learn that we deemed to be important was that the guys who didn’t give blowjobs compensated by offering their butts to be screwed and, yeah, don’t stick it in too far.

I would think that the guys who didn’t want it stuck in too far would eventually get “tired” of being stuck or, um, someone sticking it in too far and decide that taking it in the mouth was the better option but for all of us young cocksuckers, reputations were on the line because if you couldn’t make it feel good – and get the guy you were sucking to get that “good feeling” – get ready to be talked about and not in a good way. Getting an “A” for effort wasn’t given all that much and since none of us wanted to be known as that guy who couldn’t give a good blowjob, a lot of us seriously stepped up our game and more so once, “little by little,” all of us got around to ejaculating and learning how to deal with getting a mouthful of baby-making stuff and, early into this phase of physical development, a whole lot of it.

If you couldn’t “acquire the taste,” you’d be talked about and razzed unmercifully. Not everyone could or did and “A’s” for effort were starting to be given out because, let’s face it, a guy’s stuff, other than the sheer volume of it, was usually thick and oatmeal-ish, and its taste varied from sweet to salty to very salty and those of us who swallowed it had to learn to adapt to it because not adapting to it wasn’t an option. There were guys who just weren’t into the fucking part of things, but they wanted to do something with a guy, and they quickly learned that their “only choice” was to give a blowjob and when the stuff got shot, just don’t let any of it get away from you or you will be talked about and razzed and everyone would find out that you couldn’t do it right.

Girls were either reluctant to suck dick or happy to… before we started ejaculating and once we were, few girls were willing to put their mouths on us because, as one girl said, “That stuff is nasty!” and, yeah, some girls were totally against it after an idiot would promise not to shoot in her mouth and did it anyway, either accidentally or deliberately and, as such, ruined getting a blowjob from a girl for the rest of us. So, if you wanted/needed a blowjob, there was only one source for one and as things developed along these lines, you knew who gave the best blowjobs and who didn’t – and the guys who weren’t that good at it were at the very bottom of someone’s list and sometimes we’d have to go there because a “bad” blowjob was better than no blowjob.

And the rule was if you got one, you gave one. Ejaculating put a big dent in this due to the acquired taste of things and some guys not being able to acquire it but the rule was the rule and it put a lot of guys into a quandary because they knew that if they wanted their dick sucked and be able to shoot stuff into a guy’s mouth, he had better be ready to get a mouthful of stuff, too. Some guys “dropped out” of the cocksucking game but they’d find themselves in yet another quandary because if you didn’t suck dick, chances were good that you wouldn’t be able to fuck the guy; for us, the two things were very much connected so if you weren’t afraid to “do all of it,” well, you had it made in the shade but if you were afraid of any part of things, well, you’d likely be spending a lot of time jerking off or begging girls to let you do it to them and… good luck with that and more so when the Hot in the Ass girls were in very high demand and even they started getting selective about who got to stick it in them and shoot.

For new guys wanting to hang out with us and get into what we were doing, well, they were told what they had to do and if you were chicken, well, when we’d go off to have sex, they’d have to go find something else to do. From the twenty to perhaps thirty guys of a similar age in our defined neighborhood, cocksucking, cum-swallowing, and butt-fucking got narrowed down to ten die-hard and stalwart guys and, yes, I was all up in it. I sucked a lot of dick because I wasn’t afraid to, I always swallowed a guy’s stuff, and I was deemed to be very good at it and even by the older guys – teenagers – who would wander in looking for a guy to have sex with and they’d be looking for me because they knew that it wouldn’t take much for them to convince me to give them one or two blowjobs or for them to be able to fuck me. But they, too, followed “the rule” because… it had to be that way and, again, if you wouldn’t do all of it, well, you got put on that list of guys to say no to.

Growing up, being a guy and being good at giving a blowjob was damned important; your reputation was put on the line every time you did it but now, things were getting “iffy” because there were guys who wanted a blowjob but not so much of a mind to give one in return and if they did, they’s stop short of finishing it and like they’d expect (and demand) you to do. To make things “worse,” some guys would give up their ass in “compensation” for not wanting to give a full blowjob and some guys wouldn’t and as these things went, you knew who wouldn’t do something and one’s reputation would get tarnished, a little or a lot. Things got… complicated because if you were a guy like me and you just loved the hell out of having sex with a guy, you… took what you could get and it was what it was.

But what remained true was that for a guy who wanted to get in on this action, sucking dick was the way to get into it and acquiring the taste was… optional but you’d get more opportunities for sex if you swallowed it – and didn’t throw it back up. High school days were tumultuous because getting pussy was difficult (unless you ate pussy) and guys who were gay bashers would find that if they needed to bust a nut, well, shit – they’d have to find a guy who’d be willing to do it and even that was a bit of a problem since they had been bashing the guys who would’ve had sex with them. I personally love to watch and hear them begging for a blowjob and I’d give them one… but after they gave me one. See, some of those guys were slick; they’d promise to return the favor but after you sucked them off, they’d quickly renege on their end of the deal – and they went on “the list,” too, so the smart way of dealing with these guys was to, essentially, “make” them suck you off first, then suck them off – and the same went for fucking.

A lot of guys in high school learned that if they wanted to have sex with a guy, they had to learn how to suck dick and… love it. Girls would “cut you too short to shit” for giving their pussies a few licks and then be in a hurry to get it in them and guys were getting to be this way and, yes, that included me. Fairness in this was quickly going by the wayside and, as I would learn many years in the future, the top/bottom/versatile dynamic was now in effect. Now the word on the street was similar to what girls were saying: If you didn’t give head, you weren’t getting lucky. You can’t get something without giving something.

After high school and into my early twenties, I had “finally” noticed that when a guy was looking for a guy to have some kind of sex with – and it didn’t really matter why he was and it wasn’t always about him being bisexual – the easiest thing for guys to do was… to suck dick and with the added thing of being able to acquire the taste of cum. In this, it was okay to take it into your mouth and spit it out or, usually, just let it dribble out. I would say that I… tolerated a lot of shit in order for me to suck dick but it had become very clear that if you wanted to suck dick, you did whatever you had to do and that often meant sucking dick without any reciprocation but I had my own rules and fiercely defended them: You want me to suck you off but you’re not going to return the favor? Well, now… what are you offering in place of this? Okay, there were guys who I’d suck off without reciprocation because (a) I needed to suck a dick and (b) sometimes, I didn’t want to be sexed in return because being able to suck a dick was such a joy and thrill for me so, sometimes, a guy would offer to suck me off and I’d tell him it wasn’t necessary… but my mom didn’t raise any dummies so if a guy did offer to return the favor – and because after I got done with him, he was now willing to do it – I wasn’t going to say no.

What I would also learn was that there were guys who wanted me to blow them but not even consider that I was just as much of a man as they were and, as such, I loved having my dick suck and being made to cum that way and just like other guys did. Some gay guys – and there was really no avoiding having sex with them unless you were seriously afraid of their gayness rubbing off on you – were… seriously the girl. They’d give amazing blowjobs and want dicks buried in their backside and some wouldn’t object to being sucked off in return but, mostly, you didn’t have to. The “problem” with these gay men was that they were looking for a boyfriend and the “straight” or bi guys weren’t all that interested in this and, well, there was a reason why some gay men would give me grief because I was bi and now, all bi guys had the bad reputation for breaking gay hearts and things just got all kinds of fucked up between bi and gay guys.

However, and again, if you were of a mind to check out sex with a guy, the easiest thing to do was to suck dick and “easier” and a lot less painful than having a hard dick shoved and stuffed into your ass. I gave a lot of guys their first experience sucking dick, both giving and receiving because they were either “that desperate” for sex or really wanted to know what it was like to suck dick. In this aspect, guys were putting themselves in the position to either indulge their hidden or newly emerging desires or be “conscripted” to do something they really didn’t want to do but women actually “helped” in this because, again, if you weren’t eating pussy, you weren’t fucking pussy and guys just seemed to equate this to sucking dick. I’d had a few guys come to me to be sucked off – desperate or otherwise – and admit to being very reluctant to return the favor and, often, putting me in the position of telling them that they didn’t have to if they didn’t want to but those guys would feel… obligated to return it and more so if they also wanted to fuck me at some point or they wanted to be fucked.

A guy had asked me what it takes to have sex with a guy and my immediate answer was, “Learn how to suck dick and learn how to love it and be good at it.” He got that “ew” look on his face, but it was more of a “seller’s” market than a “buyer’s.” If you wanted in, this was the easiest way to get in although mutual masturbation was/is, in fact, the easier entry point but a lot of guys… bypassed this because getting and/or giving a blowjob was the thing that got you into the game and changing your mind about giving and receiving after getting in, well, that was different and even expected. One of the things I applied some major brain power to was what made a guy who was clear that he didn’t suck dick “all of a sudden” change his mind about that? I was finding myself getting blindsided; I would be happily working a guy’s dick over and then I’d hear him say, “Move so I can suck your dick, too!” or he’s pawing at me or otherwise manhandling me into the 69 position and gasping because he’s sucking my dick and, for somene who had never done it and said that they’d never do it, the guy would be doing a fantastic job all the same.

Swallowing spunk was optional and some guys would heed my warning and move away and… some guys didn’t and I wanted to know why. Most of them couldn’t tell me because they didn’t know either but one guy said that he’d decided to keep sucking until I came and swallow it because he’d come this far so going all the way just made sense. In for a penny, in for a pound, and a guy was either all-in with sucking dick or he wasn’t. I was getting more of an awareness of what “the heat of the moment” could mean and a lot of guys who’d find themselves sucking my dick would often cite being in the heat of the moment – and they had no idea how they got there in the first place but, as one such guy said, “That was much better than you trying to get it in my ass!”

Sometimes, a guy was only interested in us jerking off together, singularly or mutually. Okay, not really my idea of a sexy good time but you take what you can get. Things would be going nicely – and I’m “dying” because I want his dick in my mouth so badly that it wasn’t funny but that wasn’t the deal so I had to behave myself. That, it seemed, didn’t apply to the guy playing with my dick and given the many times we’d be jerking each other off and the next thing I now, he’s blowing me and I might have heard him say, “Fuck it…” before he pounced on me. Some guys were more… polite and either ask if they could suck me or just tell me that they were going to and, sometimes, professing to not knowing why they wanted to but knowing that they just had to.

Well, okay… and it’s not like I was going to say no unless I had reason to think or feel that if he sucked me, that might not be a good thing for him. In any of this, first time cocksuckers would tend to say things like it wasn’t as bad as they thought it was or wondering why they’d never done it before now and I just found it all to be very damned interesting because, clearly to me, cocksucking was very much a guy-thing because, if nothing else, it was easier than trying to have anal sex and more satisfying than giving each other a handjob.

Guys wanted to know what it was like; they wanted to know how to do it and, yep, they wanted to know how to deep-throat a dick and, um, how to acquire the taste because the things about a blowjob was that unless there was some fucking to be done, if you sucked a dick, you finished it off with cum in your mouth. You didn’t have to swallow it if you couldn’t and some guys who really didn’t want it in their mouth would be very quick to spit it out. I felt that a lot of guys turned to guys to get sucked off – and, out of necessity, learned the art of cocksucking because women were very weird about sucking men off but while these guys didn’t know why girlfriend was being weird about it, I knew why since I’d been subjected to the same fucked up shit they were being subjected to… and the guys who learned how to suck dick and swallow cum with me would come back to tell me about this one dude who made doing it seriously fucked up.

Or, they now knew what all cocksuckers eventually learn, not so much about actually sucking dick but dealing with the guy attached to the dick. Things would get to be so bad in this that I made a “drastic” and permanent change to my rules: If you don’t suck dick, don’t ask me to suck yours. This stance would piss off a lot of guys who’d proposition me to suck them off and I’d ask them, “Why would you think that I wouldn’t want to be sucked off, too?” And, honestly, I couldn’t figure out why other than such men being afraid to suck dick or felt that sucking dick was beneath them and an affront to their presumed masculinity or, as one online asshole had said to me, “That’s what you gay motherfucker are supposed to do for a real man!”

I got – and still get – a kick out of shredding guys with this mindset. First, I’m not gay; next, I may or may not have fucked your mother but if I did, she swallowed so I might not be your daddy. And you’re an idiot because if it’s gay for me to suck your dick, it’s just as gay for you to want me to suck your dick. How you like me now, bitch? Yeah, I called you a bitch because you had the nerve to insult my manhood because real men do suck dick and if you were a real man, you’d know that and do it, you punk-assed son of a bitch.

You tell me that you don’t suck dick, then neither do I. It was bad enough that women were demanding to be eating like her pussy was your last meal on earth, but you’d better not even think about – or expect – her sucking your dick. You don’t eat the pussy, you don’t get to fuck the pussy. I understood their stance on this but it didn’t bother or affect me because I’m a pussy-eating fiend of the highest order but I would see and understand that the female stance in this not only made a lot of guys turn to guy to get sucked off, it also turned many of them into cocksuckers, too, and a couple of token sucks wasn’t going to cut it, not when you wanted me to not only drain your balls but to swallow every drop.

Even in this, sucking dick was the thing to do and, these days, if you’re a guy and you don’t suck and swallow, well, what the hell is wrong with you? My protege and I talk about this a lot and we agree that being a cocksucker should be a skill one has in their sexual toolbox. We often talk about the perception of good and bad in this and it’s been my position that the only bad blowjob is not getting one and being “Linda Lovelace” good at it… doesn’t really matter but having the desire does matter. He was telling me about his problem of not being able to deep throat some guys and gagging badly and I had to tell him to never do more than he’s physically able to do; even I didn’t always deep throat a guy but it wasn’t because I couldn’t do it – I just didn’t want to or he stupidly did or said something that made me decide that, nope – you won’t be getting this very heady pleasure from me.

Why do guys want that done? I… really don’t know but I suspect that it has something to do with why, when we’re fucking, we want bury all of our dick into someone that we can manage when we cum and, yep, the deeper we can bury it, the better chance of our sperm getting into a woman’s cervix and fertilizing her egg and… it’s just a natural kind of thing that applied to having your dick sucked and, I know, I probably have done a terrible job trying to explain this – but it’s all I have. What I know is that not only do guy want to be taken all the way down, but there are also guys who get bent out of shape because they can’t get all of it down or even get some dicks into their mouth comfortably – read this as not feeling like their mouth is about to get ripped apart. Guys are very keen to learn how to shut down their gag reflex or get it under some kind of control and it’s not an easy thing and skill to do because if you’re gagging, that’s your body telling you some shit that is best paid attention to and, yeah, nerd over here learned how dangerous it can be and, well, I’m not sure I understand why there are guys who want to be deeply face-fucked and made to gag and sometimes vomit and…

Dude… ew. But whatever gets boats floating and it still remains true that the number one and prime entry point into the world of M2M sex is… the blowjob. I personally appreciate a guy who can suck dick more than a guy who can fuck because, well, anyone with a dick can do that… but it takes skill to suck a dick and why fellatio is considered to be one of the sexual arts and some guys find it a difficult thing to (a) master and (b) be consistently good at it – and I had to do some thinking about that way back in the early days and those moments when a guy would suck me off and apologize for not being really good at it and, for me, having to learn and determine what mattered the most: Him being damned good at it… or appreciation that he gave it his best effort? Being a cocksucker, I gained a major appreciation for anyone who’d take me into their mouth… because they didn’t have to and I also learned to not make the mistake I’d see a lot of guys make by demanding that their dick be sucked and finished off.

I mean, if you want to, I am grateful and appreciative because I know what it’s like to suck dick. I know that it might look easy, but it really isn’t, and it often takes a lot of work to get a guy to cum and I’m not going to complain if whoever’s sucking me isn’t of a mind to finish it… because they didn’t have to do it in the first place. Guys “worry themselves sick” over being master cocksuckers and learning all the techniques, tips, and tricks needed to get a guy to cum and… I get it. It’s a matter of ego and pride because I know that I do not ever want it said that I was lousy at sucking dick – and if anyone has said it, they haven’t said it to my face and, really, I wouldn’t care because I did what I set out to do: Suck the dick. That’s a win for me and if he didn’t like it, oh, well. Yeah, that’s… inconsiderate but where sucking dick is concerned, you go with the flow of things and… you can’t and won’t please everyone and it’s a mistake trying to.

For those guys who want to jump right into fucking, I suggest that they learn how to suck dick first… because it’s easier and gets one used to being naked with a guy and dealing with his dick. Swallowing cum is optional but, again, this is an easy way to find your way around a dick and it doesn’t take a whole lot of time to figure it out and unlike losing your anal cherry can take. I have, over the decades, maintained that this is easier because it can be done almost anywhere; it doesn’t take a lot of time to do it and to get a guy to cum (that varies, of course, and depends on a lot of shit); there’s no real preparation involved other than making sure that your junk is clean and doesn’t smell like the city dump on a hot summer’s day. I especially “recommend” this as a first thing to do given how many guys want the biggest and fattest dicks they can get their hands on and, well, um, before you try getting a monster in your ass, you might want to try sucking it first so you can get “an idea” about the check your mouth made, and your ass will definitely wind up cashing. More so when it’s likely that if he’s not already hard, you’re gonna have to get him hard.

You could use your hand to do that… but where’s the fun in that? I implore newbie cocksuckers to make it easy on themselves and learn how to suck dick. Find the desire to as well as the pleasure in it. If you can acquire the taste, all well and good and spitting it out is… proper cocksucking etiquette but just know that if you don’t or can’t swallow it, the guy you’re sucking is liable to deem it as a bad blowjob and, well, you don’t want that. I had to learn not to be mad at myself when I knew I was giving a bad blowjob – he didn’t have to tell me that I wasn’t getting it done for him and… I wasn’t having any of that. Yeah, pride goeth before the fall and all that but I cite something my mother told me: If you’re going to do something, strive to be the best you can be at it.

I’m sure she didn’t have cocksucking in mind but the logic of it is sound just the same. I have learned that, in the world of things M2M, it’s the guy who can suck dick and swallow cum that will be remembered more than the guy who can fuck/be fucked. Anyone can fuck or be fucked but not everyone can be good at sucking dick and by good, I mean having the desire and drive to be the best cocksucker they can be.

And there’s a guy right this very moment about to suck a man’s cock for the first time in his life; while it does matter why he’s about to, it “doesn’t matter” because this is the easiest point of entry and the one that a lot of guys seem to be more interested in because it’s easy and relatively safer than taking the dick in the ass or stuffing their dick into an ass. That first time guy is going to learn what every cocksucker winds up learning: He’s either going to get seriously hooked on it or he’s going to find out that it’s just not for him and he can’t even bring himself to take the dick into his mouth at all.

The blowjob. Stock in trade for guys as a prime entry point for sex with other guys. It was the first thing I learned to do with a guy and, yeah, I got forever hooked on it and being hooked taught me a lot of things about myself that wasn’t easy to accept or really understand until I got a lot older and was integral to everything I was learning about having sex and that included eating pussy. Yeah, I’ve gotten asked which thing I like doing more and the answer is… both. Getting hooked on sucking dick and eating pussy had me wondering why I was so hooked on it other than the obvious and that’s when I learned that I’m… orally fixated and damned near obsessively so – and something I had to get a grip on because some people… don’t like getting head.

Being able to understand those folks and how some of them will give head but for them? No, thanks. It’s a bummer for me but it’s also learning about respecting sexual boundaries and, well, mine are pretty far out there and so far that I’m not sure I can see them any longer. Sucking dick is the main entry point for a lot of men but also the main entry point and beginning of them… understanding themselves and learning that sucking a man’s cock and swallowing his cum is a taboo that is also very damned enjoyable.

And even it, at first, they don’t know that it is and can be. You can ask a cocksucker (a) what it was like the first time they did it and (b) what they like and dislike about it but I maintain that if you really want to know, gird your loins, set your fears and inhibitions aside and… suck a guy’s dick, off or otherwise. Then, perhaps, you’ll be able to understand why there are guys like me who love to suck dick and swallow cum and, yeah, are also pussy-eating fiends, too.

I very much remember a woman asking me why I was “so good” at eating pussy and I confessed that it was my belief that I’m “good” at it because I suck dick and love doing it and that I sucked dick before I ate a pussy and… the two “different” things just clicked in my head. I think she was shocked at my admission of being a cocksucker but, um, she did ask me to go back down on her and that’s all that happened. She asked if I was disappointed that didn’t fuck and I said that I wasn’t because I do so very much love eating pussy and I will do it for as long as a woman can take it – and still want to even if she can’t take it any longer. We did get around to fucking but that’s not the point so much. Shit, woman – give me a reason not to eat that pussy right off of you!

My desire and “skill” at sucking dicks did relate to eating pussy and very much in line with my oral fixation. I did, at one point, wonder if I would have had the same drive to eat pussy if I hadn’t sucked dick first and… I am unable to answer the question other than to say that maybe I would or wouldn’t. The point is moot. I entered this aspect of having sex by sucking dick and swallowing cum and the rest, as they say, is history.

And just too much fun to do.

 

Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: 21 January 23, 1345 hours

One of the things I had to deal with was people who weren’t bisexual telling me that I wasn’t bisexual. It used to drive me to the brink of insanity because if I say that I am – and the whole “men and women” thing and that I’ve been this way for “all of my life” – and at whatever point I found myself wanting to pull my hair out (and theirs) – why would they take it upon themselves to insist that, nope, you really aren’t and… why don’t you just admit and accept that you’re gay?

Uh, because I’m not? Now, before I had a boyfriend, people who thought they knew all about bisexuality would often ask if I would be someone’s boyfriend and at the time, I had said no because I didn’t find men attractive like that and because I spoke this truth, well, there was no way I could be bisexual.

And my response of, “What does that have to do with anything?” being ignored and now I’m getting an earfull of what they think and the way they think it’s supposed to be and I would get so irate and irritated! Even worse were the people who insisted that my “experimenting” was a phase and when I’d asked them, “How do you know that it is?” all of a sudden, they didn’t have a lot to say in response to my question other than “everyone knows that it’s just a phase and doesn’t mean anything.”

After I had a boyfriend, people would say, “Well, that proves that you’re really gay, doesn’t it?” and, nope, it doesn’t. Being asked, “How can you go both ways if you’re not attracted to what you see in men?” would give me an instant headache because it’s hard to explain attraction to someone who already has what that means to them firmly in their head and, as such, nothing I would say would register with them or, worse, they’d look at me like I was the one who didn’t understand attraction but, at the same time, they would agree with the ages-old adage of, “Looks aren’t everything.”

So we do agree… so why don’t you understand that I just do not look at men the way I look at women – and why do you think I’m supposed to? I could hit them with, “Beauty’s only skin deep…” and I’d get that annoying, “Yeah, but…” crap and now I’m listening to their idea of what’s attractive but, um, if I’m talking to a guy and he proclaims that he’s 300% straight, how would he know about being attracted to a guy, hmm?

Was my boyfriend good-looking? I thought he was – I loved his freckles and those beautiful green eyes. But that’s not what attracted me to him – that would be the way he poured his heart out talking about how he felt about me as well as how he became an effeminate gay man. And… yeah, but. All that talk about eating with one’s eyes first and that’s the first impression thing and I would one day get so aggravated to hear this again that I said, “Yeah, I know this but it’s not like I’m considering being with a guy because we’d make beautiful babies together.”

Yeah, that got their attention. Still, in any such conversations, those who were trying to convince me that I was really gay did so because it was that part of my sexuality that they paid the most attention to. So many would discount the fact that I was married with children; oh, you’re married? Yeah, I’m not wearing this ring for decorative purposes. Does she know that you’re gay? What the fuck is with y’all and this gay shit? She knows that I’m not gay because she knows I’m bisexual and before you ask another stupid question, she knows because I told her.

And those annoying people who insisted that just because I was married, had children, and was happily boning my wife at every opportunity, it didn’t mean that I wasn’t really gay and… are people really this obtuse? And just more proof that, yes, some people are seriously obtuse and with a bad case of “homosexuals on the brain” and not in a good way. I remember reading the quote that says when everything looks like a nail, you have to hammer it except, in this situation, those people who insisted that I wasn’t bisexual clearly didn’t know what they were looking at or talking about and for some folks who, often, didn’t believe in homosexuality, they knew an awful lot about it, which I’d often find way too funny and when I’d point that out to them but when I tell you that I’ve slept with more women than I have men, how do you get “You’re really gay…” out of that?

Or, “If you don’t like men like that, how can you have sex with them?”

My answer of, “Because I like having sex with men… and your definition of “like” and mine aren’t even in the same zip code. You think “like” and you’re thinking “gay” and… I’m not gay… but I likes me some dick and liking a guy does not ever mean romantic interest or I’m in awe of his GQ-like looks or the way he dresses or any of that other shit that you and everyone else seems to think is so damned important but you’re not… looking deep enough to see where the attraction I see lives. That and he’s got a dick and willing to let me have at it.”

And being looked at like I don’t know what I’m talking about and, really, why would I even though I’ve been bi since 1964? I tell them this and they go, “Oh!” and… it’s experimenting and a phase and do you even know what you’re talking about because from where I’m sitting, you clearly don’t and more so when I was hearing that… way back in 1964. In the here and now and where so many bisexuals are wanting to come out or are afraid to, I had stopped giving a fuck over who knew because in seven short years, I got sick and tired of other people trying to tell me or otherwise insisting that I wasn’t what I said I was.

And that one guy who wanted proof but, um, didn’t like how I could prove it to him – and then after he got “clowned” over how I could definitively prove it, he said, “Yeah, but that doesn’t mean that you’re not really gay; you would do my lady just to hide the fact that you’re really gay!”

Are you kidding me? Okay, I knew it wasn’t true that all gay men “hated” women and would never have sex with them and more so when, at the time, there were a lot of gay men marrying women and having children with them and with the “main purpose” to hide the fact that they were gay first and foremost or, yeah, acting straight. It had sent an alarm throughout the land because there were gay men who looked like any other married guy and, well, I had to be one of them, right?

Oh, fuck no. I’m like 35 years old when I was asked, “Aren’t you a bit too old to be going through a phase?” Can you hear my eyes rolling? They insisted that I was way too old to be experimenting with being gay and after stopped laughing – and hard enough that I almost peed on myself – I said, “Well, if you look at it like that – and you’re wrong to, by the way – I’ve been in the experimental phase since 1964 and, well, do the math and unless you missed it, I’m not gay and I don’t know what makes you think that I am.”

Well, really, I did know – because I’ve had sex with men and everyone knows that’s what gay men do, which I reasoned makes it hard for some people to accept bisexual men as being quite real because everyone also knows that gay men do not and will not have sex with a woman and, well, hmm, you might want to sit down for this one because you’re probably not going to believe what I’m about to tell you and, yep, they didn’t. And they say that bisexuals are in denial, right?

Being told almost from the beginning that I should and have to like guys as I did girls and exactly. Um, you do know that boys are different from girls and people, on the whole, are all different, don’t you? Their logic was flawed: If bi means both (and it can albeit somewhat loosely but correct in this context), then if you like girls, you have to like boys and equally so. Except, experience teaches some reality about this because you like people for different reasons and based upon who they are, and did I mention that we’re all not the same? And now, they’re confused and, sometimes, miffed because according to them, I was the one who was confused. Okay, if true, um, how long can one really be confused about stuff like this and why do you just assume that I’m confused? Oh, you didn’t say that? You didn’t but you implied it and I’d ask you to not push your confusion onto me because I have never been confused about my sexuality.

What’s that you say? My involvement with men shouldn’t just be about sex? What makes you say that? Rhetorical question time because I already knew the answer, but I do love fucking with people at times and it sends the message that says if you don’t like being fucked with, don’t fuck with me. Being told too many times that I’m not supposed to have sex with guys, let alone like it and me asking, “Why shouldn’t I when I already know how good it can be to do it with a guy?”

And… rhetoric. Religious dogma. Repeated and rehashed ad nauseam. And, really, if you’re not like me, how can you really know what I’m like? Then the difference between intellectual understanding and real-life experience. Oh, you tried it once but didn’t like it? Sorry to hear that you didn’t but I have found that trying it once doesn’t really lend itself to understanding some stuff about being bisexual. Oh, you “fooled around” with guys? That implies to me that you don’t think what you did back in the day has any validity. Huh? How can I say anything about what you thought about it? Well, how can you say that shit you’ve been saying about it to me? I wasn’t “fooling around” with guys; I was sucking and fucking them and being sucked and fucked by them and I was having a field day eating pussy and fucking girls and did I mention that I’ve been doing this since 1964?

Why do I keep harping on that year? Because you don’t seem to understand how long I’ve been bisexual, and it’s been long enough that no one in their right mind would say it was experimenting or a phase or that I was confused about my sexuality and your contention that I’m really gay and your continued disbelief of my telling you – and for the “last time” – I am not gay.

And having to “finally” understand that throughout all the times I’ve been hit with this, it’s because we know gay… but not bi so much. The taboo against homosexuality puts things “right up front” and, yeah, who doesn’t know how gay people have sex and how forbidden religion says it is? If it looks gay, it must be gay, and the logic is seriously flawed because not everyone who has sex like a gay person is gay… and I’m one of the many people who can have sex like a gay person – and with gay people – but I’m not gay… because I loves me some women and pussy. Always have and will. The dick ain’t really as bad as you think but I know why you think it is and, by the way, do you really believe that you came up with this idea of great wrongness all by yourself?

Yes, I know it’s your opinion and you’re entitled to it and… I don’t have a problem with you putting your ignorance of life’s realities on display and I do feel sorry for you because you can’t grasp the concept that I – or anyone else like me – would go both ways and the perception that those who do are confused and in denial when, um, we really aren’t. Maybe at first blush but I happen to know a lot of men and women who might have been confused and in denial of being really gay, but they got straightened out. Yeah, you see what I did there? Hardy-har-har! But back to being serious.

I am bisexual. And, fuck no – if I were homophobic and as you seem to think all of us are, I’m thinking that I couldn’t be bisexual although I have heard of homophobes who do the deed like this and call themselves teaching some queer motherfucker a lesson and I’m not sure how that works but it does make me question if they’re really as homophobic as they profess to be but, we’re not talking about them – we’re talking about me and since I mentioned this, how is it that this conversation went from being about me to being all about you and what you believe, don’t believe, would and wouldn’t do? Explain this to me because if I’m confused about anything, it’s this. And might I remind you that you started this conversation and that I did tell you that I didn’t want to talk about it and I didn’t because I already had an idea of what you were going to say… and that none of what you were going to say is… right.

And I’ve pretty much have heard it all before. From so many people who just knew that they knew what they were talking about and like being gay really applied to me and then having a bad case of tunnel vision because it’s the only thing they can see and pay attention to. I’ve thought it’s like a “morbid fascination” mixed with religious “righteousness.” Again, the logic is flawed because not everyone who has sex in the same-sex way is gay or lesbian. I’m the proof of this but it often pains me to see people get presented with this truth and… continue to believe whatever they believe that isn’t the truth.

It all led me to a point in time where I realized that bisexuality isn’t the problem: It’s that there are so many people in the world who can’t or don’t believe because their minds are “stuck” on the thing of people either being straight or gay and the flawed thinking and perception that if you go both ways, you must be confused. And… pick a side and stay on it. All the other stuff that I’d “quickly” got sick and tired of hearing including the many people who said that there is no way in hell that I could be bisexual. Didn’t look like the type. Wait, aren’t all Black people homophobic? You wait – you can’t be serious, can you? I remember going through this with someone and purely by chance, a really “flaming like the sun” Black gay man was sashaying down the street and I pointed and asked, “Does that Black guy there look like he’s homophobic?” And this worthy very gay man unknowingly drove my point home when he got into “speaking range” and, hoo boy, did he ever speak to us as well as giving both of us a very serious looking over and, apparently, was liking what he saw.

A lot of people have their own idea of what must happen in order to have sex with someone and that includes their own idea of what attraction means and if my idea of it clashes with theirs, well, if I don’t like guys like that – and I don’t because I’m not gay and not about what someone looks like – then there’s no way that I could be bisexual… but I am and… how do you explain this one since there is no question in my mind about my sexual orientation. None. It was very highly suggested to me, way back in my youth, to never judge a book by its cover and I took to heart what my father said: Just because it looks good doesn’t mean that it is good and, yeah, I should have believed him but I think he knew that I was going to find out for myself and I sure as hell did – but everyone does.

Taught to be “colorblind” and to look for and see a person for who they are. Stealing that line from a Star Wars movie and when Yoda told Luke to not trust his eyes because they can deceive him and it’s a lesson in attraction that, eventually, we all learn and sometimes, not so much. If I explain to a “nonbeliever” that all I really have to do is like a guy enough to want to have sex with him, how hard is that to understand? If I say that I do not look at men and get all weak in the knees and slobbering all over myself because of their looks, why do you find that so hard to believe? Yes. I have and do have sex with men. It was and is what it’s always been for me… but why do you keep glossing over what I said about my love of and for women?

Well, that’s because the only thing some people can see and/or pay attention to is that “gay” part of me and then being unwilling to understand that having sex with a guy really isn’t a gay thing but a very human thing because, outside of any romantic interest, it’s… sex. I happen to be very damned attracted to having sex. Many are firmly of a mind that lying with a man is a very bad thing and I know that it can be… because some guys are just pure assholes and you just learn how to identify and avoid them as to the best of your ability to since guys, infamously, can be wolves in sheep’s clothing and, yes, we will say anything we think you want to hear so we can have our way with you and not always in a way one might find pleasing.

If you’ve never sucked a dick or eaten a pussy, I’m not really going to say that “you don’t know what you’re missing” but I will say that you might not really understand why there are men and women just like me who (a) knows some stuff about both things and (b) have fun having sex in both ways because despite what is “usually” believed, sex is supposed to be fun but, historically, we have shamed the shit out of anyone who really likes to have sex and… those greedy-assed bisexuals who can’t seem to be willing and able to pick a side and only have sex on that side.

Now, all of this might sound like I’m venting, and I assure you that I’m not – but I am giving you a peek at what bisexuals have to put up with and dealing with those who cannot, do not, and will not understand that what they believe in… is incorrect. I can have sex like a gay man, and I can have the biggest field day ever having sex with women. Which do I prefer? Oh, okay, now you’re trying to shoehorn me into one box or the other and my answer is that I prefer… both. In no particular order and, please, stop asking me which one I’d do first because it doesn’t matter to me. First come, first served and all that. Stop asking me “if you had to choose” questions because they are irrelevant since, um, didn’t I just say that I prefer both? And why are you trying to “force” me into picking one over the other? Oh, that’s because you think I should and because that’s what you did, huh?

But I didn’t and that… confuses you. Don’t worry – I know why you are and… it’s okay. I understand. Yes, I go both ways because it’s fun but it just works for me. I… understand some stuff and I had to in order to be the way I am and, no, it’s really not bad but it is me being honest with myself. I learned to “never say never” when it came to being romantically interested in a guy because while it is not my purpose or intent, I know it can happen because it’s already happened. Otherwise – and this sounds fucked up – but I like guys for sex. I like women for sex and romance and relationships. It took me “a long time” to be comfortable with this… division. I am in touch with my emotions and I don’t lie to myself about how I feel about someone and why I feel the way I do, but it remains true that I only have sex with someone I find… likeable and I have really liked a lot of guys – and since we’re talking about this part of things – and I wouldn’t have sex with them even if they wanted to.

I’m into… being attracted to personalities and mindsets, that very real stuff that we aren’t always of a mind to reveal to someone. You can look like a million dollars and be someone that, on the inside, I’m not going to like – beauty is only skin deep but ugly is deep down to the bone. Some of the prettiest things in the world are also the most dangerous things in the world and… that includes humans. “Judge” people for who they are as a person and, yeah, if they wanna have sex, chances are I’m not going to say no if said person is male like I am because, um, I do love sucking dick… but that’s doesn’t mean that I’m gay and, seriously, gay men have never owned this anymore than women have owned it – but this is how we think and… it’s okay. I understand it.

And there are many bisexuals who, I dunno, find it hard to understand why there are those who can’t or don’t understand them and they, too, can find themselves going through this mess and many more have heard the “horror stories” and find reason to not be in such a conversation. Stuff like this has taught me a lot about… people. The power of belief. Our “morbid fascination” with homosexuality and to the point where some people really don’t know the difference between a bisexual and a homosexual and if they can’t, then it’s a “safe bet” that they’re not going to understand how truly fluid human sexuality is and always has been or, like I told a guy, “Where do you think most bisexuals come from?” and him not liking me telling him that a lot of bisexuals are formerly straight people and, yup, sometimes, formerly gay people.

It’s just that we all find our way in things when it comes to the big three and some of will effect change if the way it’s supposed to be isn’t working or they just “dive right on in” because they tried it and oh, hell, yeah – this fucking works and just what the doctor ordered! But I know this, and I know a lot of people don’t because – wait for it – they were taught not to believe anything other than what they were told to believe. The flaw in the logic that, again, says that if a man has sex with another man, then both of them are gay and… that’s not the truth. How do I know it isn’t? Um, shit, how do you think I know it and I didn’t read it in a book because when I learned this, there were little to no books on the subject and I know because I looked for them… because I wanted to know more about why I was the way I was and that was because I learned that what I’d been told… wasn’t the whole truth of things.

And just rolling my eyes to see, in the here and now, how many people still don’t get it. They’d rather keep believing what they believe and not see the truth that their belief condemns, and it wasn’t just because God said so. At the end of the day, I realized that it wasn’t that others had to understand the bisexual thing… as long as I did. I don’t discount the opinions of others “out of hand” but if you’re not bisexual, I’m not sure how you can tell me, a life-long bisexual, how to be bisexual and, no, just because I don’t want to be in a relationship with a guy does not ever invalidate my bisexuality. If all the two of us want to do is make each other cum, yeah, buddy, that works. If we see each other again, fine but if we don’t, that’s okay, too. A totally different behavior toward women because, in the nuts-and-bolts section, it is different because… it’s women. Sex and more than just that and, oh, yeah, like the way it’s supposed to be, huh?

I’ve had to learn to be… better dealing with those who don’t understand. There was a time when I wasn’t, and you’ve seen some of this as you’ve been reading. I can be quite sarcastic and other snarky and unbecoming ways and I learned a long time ago that this isn’t the way to be but, man, some people tend to understand this behavior more than they understand politeness. Improvise, adapt, and overcome these social and moral difficulties. I get that it’s not something you’d do… but we’re not talking about what you’d do, are we? And how we got to something about me being about you is… amusing and not as frustrating as it once was because to be bisexual, methinks you have to be able to… understand those who aren’t.

People trip over bisexuality because it’s not what they know; they know straight and gay and… we are a very different kind of critter and one who goes about the same things everyone else does – just differently. There have always been rules about pursuing the big three and the rules have purpose but leaves out how pursuing them can be done… if ya don’t mind.

And folks like me? We don’t mind all that much. And we’re not gay, well, not in the way being gay has always been defined. If you’re going to look at us, look at all of us because, um, we’re straight, too – just not that straight…. and it’s really not that hard to understand if you can suspend your beliefs.

 

Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: 20 January 23, 1401 hours

I’d been online chatting with a guy I’ll call Tom and we were hitting it off pretty well and to the point where we admitted that we were both bisexual. Pretty cool. We exchanged our respective “how we got hooked on dick” stories and it just made sense that we get together and do it. Even cooler.

We set a date, time, and place – a hotel in neutral territory because he was afraid of being outed – and, man, I couldn’t wait for things to begin but before we even got undressed, he started telling me what he didn’t like and what he wasn’t going to do and this part went on for about ten minutes and by the time he got finished I asked, “So what are we doing here?”

We had agreed to spend our time sucking dick but, yeah, there were “terms and conditions” and beginning with… I couldn’t suck his dick. I was allowed to touch his dick but not allowed to make him cum. He was going to suck my dick but I couldn’t cum in his mouth and I couldn’t cum anywhere else on his body and I couldn’t look at him while he was doing it and I couldn’t be in any other bodily contact with him.

And I wanted to know why. Come to find out – and, no, I’m not even being punny – he’d had some experiences in his past that were, for intents and purposes, traumatic for him and I got “disabused” of my notion that only women were bothered by stuff like this and prone to holding onto them. As far as sex with guys went, I was used to guys not wanting cum in their mouth because they never or couldn’t “acquire the taste” or being afraid to get into any anal sex because, well, it’s nasty and everyone knows how bad it hurts. I would go back into my memories and recall that some – but not “all” – guys I’d had sex with had also suffered some kind of trauma but whatever it was didn’t seem to affect them in that traumatic and fearful way I was seeing and if there was a guy who was, say, traumatized because he got a mouthful of cum after the guy promised that he wouldn’t do that, many of them saw the reason in not allowing that early trauma get in the way of what they really wanted to do and even guys who had that “natural fear” of anal sex would find reason not to be afraid to, at the least, give a try.

Even I had learned what I liked and didn’t like by… trying it at least twice and the second time would be to put a final determination on whether or not I liked or disliked it the first time… but I would also come to understand that if it was “bad” that time, it didn’t mean that it would be “bad” the next time – and even with the guy who made it “bad” the first time. My experience with Tom had me “going back” and reexamining things like this and to be able to understand what was going on with someone and how/why they were still so very much bothered by something that happened in their past and how it continued to plague them in the present and stealing their joy of sex. I was… used to this in girls/women. I understood a lot of their issues because I knew what it was like to have sex with a guy and we can be some uncaring assholes once our dicks get hard.

I felt that similar things in guys had… gone over my head and it wasn’t like I’d not seen or had heard of, say, guys being forced to have sex with a guy, being raped, molested, so on and so forth and I would see that while some guys were able to “put it all behind them,” so many more… couldn’t. One guy had been traumatized by cum in his mouth and he didn’t trust my very solemn promise and word that when I was about to cum, I would tell him so he could stop and if he didn’t, I would stop him since he did trust me enough to tell me about this bad moment in his sexual life. I suggested that if he really didn’t trust or believe me, then there’s no point in him sucking me so if nothing else, I was going to suck him off. But he felt that it wasn’t fair that I sucked him off and I wouldn’t be and I told him something that my mother and my judo sensei told and taught me: You have to face your fears and conquer them; otherwise, they will always affect you in negative ways and more so when you know that you don’t want that kind of negativity in your life.

He had said, “I know that I shouldn’t be afraid to do it. I really want to suck you off but I can’t get what happened to me out of my mind!”

I said, “I understand – I really do because I know of other guys who suffered similar trauma – but if it’s something you really want to do, I’m thinking that at some point, you’re gonna have to face that fear and realize that you’re afraid of something that happened back then and with a particular guy… and this is now… and I’m not that guy. Hell, even I had a guy tell me that lie and I just didn’t believe it and more so when a girl would tell me that she’d suck my dick but I’d better not cum in her mouth – and because some asshole told her that lie, she trusted him to keep his word and he didn’t and she was now traumatized and, nope, not gonna suck you off even if/when that’s what she wanted to do.”

I also said that I wasn’t trying to change his mind about it. Let’s just do what you’re able to do and have fun doing it and if you decide to suck me, you have my word that I will warn you and if it’s about to hit me and I can’t talk, I will do everything I can to get away from you or make you stop sucking me and if I have to use a little “force” to remove you, I will and without hurting you because I do not want to be that guy.

He went down on me and, my goodness, was he really good at it! And as promised, when I felt that I was going to cum, I not only told him but I started to pull away from him and… he grabbed me, didn’t let go, and kept right on sucking me even though by now, I was screaming that I was gonna cum and… I came. Even as that rush of release was hammering me, I was very much afraid of how it was going to affect him and what, if anything, he was going to when he freaked out. But he didn’t freak out. All he said was, after what I thought was a moment of thought, “I don’t understand what I was afraid of. You kept you word, but I wanted to… face my fear because you were right in saying that you weren’t the guy who made me afraid of this.”

Sadly, some guys would try to face and conquer their fears and to set aside any trauma they experienced and… they couldn’t and, well, okay. You tried and there is no shame involved whatsoever and, no, I’m not pissed off or anything like that because even though I don’t believe I’ve ever been traumatized, I understand how someone can be and how it can plague them and persistently so. Pretty much the same thing with women. Being able to have sex is a trust issue and once that trust has been betrayed in some way, it is very hard for people to learn how to trust again and they will do whatever they have to do to avoid a repeat of that trauma and if they don’t just say no to something, they have a seriously long list of things they aren’t going to do that might remind them of that traumatic experience from their past.

And, yet they know that it shouldn’t be allowed to fuck with them; they know how it affect them where having sex is concerned. Like, I can’t stand it when I’m sucking a guy’s dick and he grabs my head and starts shoving his dick in and out of my mouth and, sometimes, harder and deeper than I want to be bothered with and I’ve actually had a “fight” with some guys because I removed their hands from my head and have had to forcefully remove them or otherwise make them stop. What part of “keep your hands off of my head didn’t you understand when I told you not to?” Bothersome but not my idea of traumatic and I had to learn to be okay with a guy just putting his hand or hands on my head but not doing anything other than that. And then I saw my own hypocrisy because if I was going down on a woman and she had me in a headlock or some other way to keep my mouth plastered to her pussy, well, okay. But not really and I had to learn some differences in this; with guys, I learned that they like to be taken deep and I “went out of my way” to learn how to do it – but I want to do it on my own and I don’t need any help taking it all down and once I do, um, my mouth isn’t a pussy and why can’t you just be still and let me do this?

A pain in the throat for me… but severe trauma for others. I got it. I took the time to understand it. And it still makes me angry to encounter someone with past trauma and it’s inhibiting them and, in turn, inhibiting me and our supposedly shared joy has already been stolen… and I wasn’t the one who did it. Or being automatically guilty of inducing trauma… because I’m a guy. One bad apple has seriously spoiled the whole bunch and entire crop of apples. Knowing both men and women who are stuck in the past and understandably so but stuck just the same. Their past is greatly impacting them in many ways in the here and now and will continue to do so in the future… and that’s some seriously fucked up shit.

Instead of Tom and I having sex, we sat in that hotel room and talked. Seems like a waste of time and money? No, it wasn’t, because I learned about what traumatized him and I patiently sat and listening to him “get it out of his system” because, as I would also learn, being traumatized is one thing and it’s even worse when you can’t say anything about it to anyone and usually out of fear of reprisal or someone acting like this thing that is bothering and inhibiting them is just their imagination and being told to grow up and other shit that, in my own opinion, ain’t helpful at all; it’s selfish, insensitive and just plain old callous to not recognize that whatever this person isn’t going to do isn’t because they tried it and didn’t like it: Someone made them not like it and it’s left a festering wound in their psyche and one that they have been able to do anything about it healing.

It didn’t make me feel good to be having sex with a woman and all of a sudden, she freaks out because I did something that triggered her trauma and… I had no idea what it was I did to make her react in such a fearful and, sometimes, violent way – and then I found out and, shit. Understanding that anything I might do could set her off and bring back that traumatic moment. Shit, shit, and more shit. I’m truly sorry but I didn’t know! Can we talk about this? And sometimes being told that, nope, not gonna do that or told that talking about it isn’t going to make whatever happened go away so what’s the point?

Um, didn’t you just freak out over something I did and now the thrill is gone and we’re not having sex? I want to understand but if you don’t want to or can’t tell me, well, I am sorry for what happened. Being told that I was being silly or stupid for apologizing for something that I did – but I wasn’t the one who gave them the trauma in the first place. I didn’t know that, say, sucking on her neck was a trigger to remind her of the trauma she suffered at the hands of another guy… because she didn’t tell me and that was because of shame or believing that letting me – or any other guy – know this served no purpose and didn’t make a difference even though they knew that I wasn’t the guy who did this to them… but we’re both paying the price because that asshole did.

I see bi guys laying down some… interesting shit so that they can avoid things that they’ve never done. I see their fears become a traumatic event for them and a lot of these men… have never even touched another man’s dick yet. But they want to but they can’t because their fears are running the show for them and, of course, those who have already suffered some kind of trauma are very much of a mind to never repeat that event… but they do understand that whatever happened took place in the past and with the one who traumatized them. This is now… and I’m not that person. They know this but they also cannot escape the past and remain… stuck there. Living there. Sometimes doing things in a way that, effectively, will make sure that they don’t have the sex they say and know that they want… and traumatizing themselves by letting a fear take control of them and… they haven’t even experienced anything.

It makes me so angry, and I know it’s me and, in a way, rather irrational because I didn’t cause their trauma, wasn’t there to prevent it from happening and that was way back when but it’s impacting both of us… right now. My list of things I won’t do is short; it’s different from my list of things I don’t like but if you ask me nicely, I might consider it. I learned that if you want to have sex, you’re not going to have sex – or good sex – if you have long lists of what you’re not going to do and you have them because someone else made you fearful/traumatized by it and… I can feel my blood pressure starting to rise a little because it pisses me the fuck off and there’s not a damned thing I can do about it and that there are so many people who also believe that there is nothing that can be done to allow them to get away from that past trauma or to allay any fears.

A lot of bi guys are scared to death and traumatized by STDs. I understand it and that’s some real shit and I read an article today about a new strain of gonorrhea that’s showed up in Massachusetts that is resistant to all medications used to get rid of it. The fear and trauma is paralyzing and telling them that, um, hmm, that’s what condoms are for is one of those “Yeah, but…” things that does little to allay their fears and they get… stuck with them and now they’re in a quandary because they want to have the sex but have been traumatized by their own fears and… this is some seriously sad shit to bear witness to and in anyone.

I understand it and to my ability to understand it. I don’t downplay it because to the person who’s been traumatized, this is some very real shit to them; they know that they shouldn’t let this fuck with them but it fucks with them and, seemingly, there is nothing they or anyone can do to make it stop fucking with them so they can enjoy sex the way they want and need to… and anything that can be said is easier said than done.

My God… if there’s a way to fuck up the fun and joy of having sex, humans have proven to be more than capable of fucking it up. It’s not really a sexuality thing but a sex thing although I know guys who have turned to sex with men because a woman traumatized them in some ways and women who have turned to sex with women because of something some guy did to them and… what the fuck is wrong with us?

What’s wrong is that we are human. We don’t think or look at sex the same way and some of the things we’re told about sex can set us up to be traumatized and there are those who make it their business to make having sex a traumatizing experience for the other person and, yeah, that would be men who feel that they must make their “male dominance” known or the ones who believe that they have a right to have sex with anyone they want to and in any way that strikes their fancy and they do not give a flying fuck if by callously and insensitively doing this – like the infamous, “I promise not to cum in your mouth!” trick, well, that’s their problem and not theirs.

Assholes. Insensitve, uncaring, sons of a bitch. I need to stop writing so I can calm down because this bothers the shit out of me and makes me feel so… helpless. Angry to know that I’m guilty of causing someone to relive their trauma… because I’m a guy or I unknowingly do or say something that will remind them of that asshole who traumatized them and now they’re freaking out and…

Fuck. I’m sorry and sorry that this happened to you. But you never let anyone steal your joy and, as I understand it, it is very bad form to take out some retribution for the transgressions others foiested on someone else… but that’s what happens, and probably more than most people are aware of and if they are aware, remain silent. If there’s something your partner isn’t going to do, chances are that they’re not going to do it because they tried it and just didn’t like it; it’s most likely because they tried it, and someone very much made them not like it and has instilled and installed a fear in them that they may never recover from or be able to move away from and…

Fuck. Stupid, careless, worthless motherfuckers.

 

The Daily Prompt: 20 January 23

If you could un-invent something, what would it be?

I would un-invent… homophobia. I was born in the mid-1950s and my earliest “sex education” memory is of my parents telling me to not have sex until I was old enough (but they never said what that meant) and to especially never have sex with another boy because it was dirty, filthy, nasty and if any boy asks me to have sex with him, I’m to run away as fast as I can and be very afraid to this boy because if I didn’t, if God didn’t punish me by striking me down from heaven, they most certainly would and even if they suspected that I’d disobeyed them.

Well, in 1964, I had sex with a guy. It was both amazing and eye-opening and because I had already disobeyed and “let” a girl take my cherry, I had both pieces of the puzzle… but how could something everyone says is so bad feel so good? I would learn two things and in no particular order: It felt good… because it’s supposed to feel good to have sex. And the reason why everyone was afraid of homosexuals was because, according to the bible, God did say it was evil, a sin, and one punishable by death. I would come to understand that the social conditioning we all get and as soon as our parents think we can understand it – and our minds are still malleable enough to be “programmed,” homophobia was part of that conditioning.

It was being reinforced big time; I can remember the old men who used to hang out in front of the apartment building I lived in telling us horror stories of hobos running around everywhere and looking for young boys like us so they could rape up and turn us into faggots, queers, homos, and other euphemisms of the day… and don’t even think about doing anything with another boy. For myself and many of my male friends, that ship had already sailed and we’d talk about what we were gleefully doing and the consensus – driven by kid logic – said that adults were crazy because doing it with another boy wasn’t bad at all and about the time when puberty showed up to give us a huge kick in the balls, it just made sense to have sex with each other since girls were being told to avoid us like the plague and given their own horror stories to reinforce things.

Growing up as a bisexual male, homophobia was a problem. I would learn that a phobia is an irrational fear of something, and I’d realized that homophobia might be irrational, but it was a fear that was given to us and all because of what the bible said about it. By the time I started junior high school, homophobia had taken hold in my peer group and those afflicted with it were coming out of the woodwork to bully, terrorize, and victimize anyone they even suspected was a homo and that included anyone, male or female, who didn’t want anything to do with having sex like that. Even then, a great many people didn’t know the difference between a bisexual and a homosexual because all they could see was the homosexual side and the side they had to be deathly afraid of and, if and when they could, take it upon themselves to “do God’s work” and punish homosexuals, real or suspected by rumor. And to hate even if they had no reason to. Told to. Taught to.

It didn’t make sense to me to be afraid of something that… I wasn’t afraid of. I was digging into everything I could get my hands on so I could understand being bisexual – and a word I hadn’t learned until I accidentally read it in a dictionary and almost got kicked out of the public library when I blurted out, “So that’s what I’ve been doing!” It was what I’d been happily doing having sex with both the guys and gals and, importantly, what I was: Bisexual. But not homosexual. I… wasn’t what everyone was so afraid of; well, in a way, I was but, still, I liked/loved girls and having sex with them but boys were fun to have sex with, too.

Homophobia was epidemic. So many people giving into a hatred because they were told to. Passed down from one generation to the next and I would sometimes ask someone why they hated gay people and, over the years, would hear the same old religion-based dogma being parroted and, the funny part was that a lot of people were firmly of a mind that their decision to be homophobic was their own idea when, in fact, it never was and, even funnier, many people had never actually met a gay person but that made sense given that they were supposed to avoid gay people like the unholy plague they were.

We let our fears make us foolish. We are hypocrites because we can agree that sex is natural, normal, and healthy but gay sex… isn’t. I would learn that this fear was instilled and installed in us via religion because they already knew that if a man lay with a man, no babies could be born and they came up with a way to make it stop. Tack on the misbelief that masturbation was also a sin and my learning that, no, it actually isn’t but people are… just like that.

I would actually understand why they did it and why they instilled homophobia and as a part of religious beliefs. Having seen and been subjected to it, it’s… humanity at its worst and once those early peoples started losing their lives – and even if they were only accused of or suspected to be homosexual – homophobia spread like a virus that makes COVID look like a bad cold and one that still runs rampant in our societies but not in the societies that aren’t “subscribers” to Judeo-Christian beliefs and dogmatic rhetoric. I would learn that there were cultures who allowed homosexuality and, um, under the “pretense” of teaching young boys about sex and preparing them for manhood and having sex – and making lots of babies – with women and, yeah, talking about the famous or infamous Romans and Greeks but they weren’t the only cultures who “defied” what the Christian bible had to say about it.

We know this yet homophobia still exists and runs rampant. Man said that God said this and I – and many others – could not figure out why (a) God would give us free will but then (b) command that we be punished for exercising this aspect of free will and (c) why would God even care about this and if Jesus died for our sins to be forgiven, why are we still ranting and raving and being all homophobic over something that was pretty much “removed” from the list of sins because our sins were forgiven.

Homophobia needs to be un-invented but since you can’t, we need to get rid of this irrational fear and that’s not likely to happen anytime soon because all it takes is for one person to be homophobic to allow this virus to continue to exist and spread.

 

Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: 19 January 23, 1656 hours

Bisexuality expands one’s horizons and boundaries and beginning with how one thinks and feels. These days, we’re behaving like bisexuality is “the new kid on the block” but, nah, it really isn’t and it’s not so totally unknown that bisexuals are quite real and a lot of people actually do know a bisexual or three or four or can even suspect that they know one and this is all well and good.

It’s one thing to think that there are people who are sexually, emotionally, and even romantically interested in both men and women; it’s something else to discover that you’re one of these people and, fuck me – where did this come from? Our youthful days can often involve same-sex “crushes” and which, if mentioned, being teased about, stuff like that, are usually waved off as being inconsequential or, it’s just normal but doesn’t really mean anything but it’s kinda cute or, for some, raises some alarm over the possibility of homosexuality on the rise.

As someone who has had these crushes and have been crushed on, I found it to be… exhilarating. So seriously exciting and definitely outside of the way it’s supposed to be and it didn’t take a whole lot to see how having the sex and crushes were… connecting with what I was learning about being bisexual and that, indeed, a lot of crushes were… borderline pornographic inside my head to have such a crush on someone and wondering (and, um jerking off a lot) what it would be like to make love to them. I knew some folks who had such same-sex crushes, and they were either embarrassed by it or wholly terrified since, again, the Specter of Gayness would “appear” and it was unsettling – until they were told that what they were thinking and feeling… didn’t really mean anything but you’d better straighten yourself out just the same.

Ah, if only I knew then what I know now. When I’d fallen in love with a guy, it made me do a “review” of things and I saw that this wasn’t really the first time I had feelings for a guy and that the crushes I had on certain guys did, in fact, have meaning and not just the product of an overactive imagination and having to accept that with some of those crushes, the “best way” to express what was being felt was… to have sex. It just made sense to even if that crush had… no prior experience or, rarely, knowledge that guys do have sex with each other… and not just and always because of raging hormones.

Someone had asked me what it was like to experience things like this, and, at the time, I equated it to being locked in a deeply dark room and just kinda feeling your way around and then a really bright light gets turned on and you’re momentarily blinded but you then see… everything all at once. That certain things just fall into place and the process of “error correction” begins because you realize that what you’ve been told about “the facts of life” aren’t all of the fact and the one’s deemed to be wrong aren’t all that wrong.

When you’ve “seen the light” when you’re young, it’s all new and exciting and even pretty scary in both good and “bad” ways. Adults experience this differently and I’ve felt that it’s because they’ve spent a lot of their adult lives being totally heterosexual even though the same-sex interactions are not an unknown; it’s just something never to be thought about a whole lot and definitely not something to be done. Which is why a lot of adults get blindsided by the rush of thoughts and feelings involving the same-sex side of things and now, grown men and women are “crushing” on other men and women and not totally in a heterosexual way and it’s confusing as all get out and they find that once they’ve seen the light, it can’t be unseen; once their horizons and boundaries have been expanded in this way, there’s no pulling them back in and the moment where a lot of people find that thinking and doing aren’t really and always the same thing.

For some, it’s an intellectual exercise full of what-ifs and conditional situations and of a kind that one might think could never happen and that sex couldn’t as well. But if they’re doing this, they have been “expanded” enough to see the possibilities even if, again, they’re thought to be improbable and/or impossible and some even get “NIMBY” about it: It’s okay for someone to be this way as long as they don’t have to be bothered by getting hit on in this fashion and/or it’s nowhere “close to home.” These “exercises” don’t always lead to sex but I’ve known these folks to admit that they’ve “sometimes” gotten their minds all in the gutter thinking about it but, nah, it’ll never happen and, important to them, it can never happen.

I’ve seen and have heard of men and women getting hit with a same-sex attraction and getting all “weird” about it and saying that it wasn’t what it was because they don’t like men/women like that but, at the same time, it’s pretty hard for them to lie to themselves about what they know they felt – but they do it and try to shove it to the back of the bus even though they do know the truth of what they felt. The expansion lets them know – and even if they deny it – that the way it’s supposed to be isn’t the way it can be and for some, eh, let’s not and say we did and such thoughts and feelings remain at the intellectual level of things.

And for others, not so much, and it can be quite disturbing. One of the things I learned about the onset of bisexuality in adults is that there’s a serious problem to be dealt with inside their heads because they have to not only change the way they’re thinking about this but in order to “come to terms” with their thoughts and feelings, they have to… unlearn a bunch of stuff and pretty much everything they’ve been told, taught, and/or believed – and that’s just trying to make sense of things. Doing is a seriously different critter and I’ve found that it’s not a thing of someone not wanting to do something about this – it’s a thing of them thinking of every reason they can come up with to not do whatever’s running around inside of them and, for some, continuing to deny that they’re feeling what they’re feeling.

And telling themselves – or, gasp, someone else that they’re not gay but they also know that this isn’t… being gay and I’ve often been… amused to hear these folks categorically stating that they’re heterosexual and their sure and certain love and desire for the opposite sex… but that’s not what they’re feeling and thinking and why is this fucking with me and why won’t it just go the hell away and leave me alone because I didn’t ask to feel these things?

Because it doesn’t work like that. Once someone gets dragged “kicking and screaming” into the light, there’s no going back to the darkness. They can’t “unsee” this about themselves and they cannot unsee the truth – and a truth that, perhaps, they’d been denying all along and more so if they ever had a same-sex crush. Not everyone does and if not, having this landing upon them makes it all even more confusing and problematic because they know that they’re not supposed to think or feel this way… but they are.

I would see this awakening at work and felt that it bothered men more than women because, well, you know why. It’s one of those things in men that I’ve found to be curious because it’s not like we don’t know about gay men since we get warned to avoid them and to not be like them in any way but, yep, “Charlie” looked at “Sherman” and, hmm. Hard to admit that in that moment, they felt that rush of excitement that gets quickly shut down… or not. But we know about gay men and we know what they do and, yep, one can even watch “gay porn” and see it in lots of forms and, perhaps unknown to them, getting a lesson in thinking and doing not being the same things and, perhaps, one day, getting an even harder lesson when they find out that when it’s time to do that stuff they’ve been thinking about, well, shit, um, how do you suck a guy’s dick? And that can come before being in the very real moment of truth of having the dick right there and, yeah, it’s gotten very real.

Getting “expanded” brings a certain level of understanding as well as a… disconnect that, again, I’ve found to be quite curious and I used to wonder why this disconnect would happen and it wasn’t until I could wrap my own head around the whole notion of thinking being different than doing and, once more, we know that guys do this but now it’s a very different thing when it’s them on the precipice of taking the plunge. They’ve already had their boundaries expanded because they can dive into the theory of sex with men and create scenarios in their minds and I’ve felt that they can do this because they’ve been expanded “enough” to be able to go from “I shouldn’t be thinking about this shit!” to understanding that it’s okay for them to think about it as long as they have no intentions on doing any of it.

There’s a lot of other things that play into this but just bear with me, if you will. As you may recall, I’ve written about those guys who would say that they’re 100% against doing anything with a guy but they were able to come up with a lot of situations of how it could happen and they could only be able to do this unless whatever goes on inside their head has been… expanded; I’d like for you to think about this and remember that we, as men, are not to ever have sex with other men but we are not allow to think about it. As such, I would see that these guys had “seen the light” – and if they hadn’t been “sunburned” by it already and like I was… but thinking and doing aren’t the same things and while a lot of these guys would never “publicly” admit or confess to these thoughts and feelings, in more private moments, they would reveal their utter surprise and confusion to have found themselves thinking about dudes “like that” – and read this one as sexually and not romantically.

Not everyone gets driven to have the sex and, I think, not everyone gets that… compulsion to have the sex that, for some, comes out of nowhere and once it’s there, it’s not going anywhere and now it’s all about not giving into the temptation and not everyone does but for many, now this is about to get seriously real. The move from theory to practical application isn’t all that smooth although there are men and women who have made this transition easily and, I think, because they’ve “had time” to work this “revelation” out in their minds; they’ve readjusted a lot of things in their head and when it’s time for them to do the deed, it’s like they’re old hands at it and I can think of a lot of times where I’ve been with a guy who has never been with a guy before and I’ve asked him if he lied to me about having no experience because what he did was experienced and like I was experienced.

And learning that they did, in fact, work it all out in their head and because they not only saw the light, but they also saw the truth that the light shines on and, okay. Nothing left but to do it and oh, boy, can they do it. I’m reminded of a woman who’s a friend of mine and getting a phone call from her because there was this woman she’d been hanging out with and they’d gotten close enough that the woman wanted to have sex with my friend and she was quite flustered and even more so when she admitted that they’d kissed and… she had an orgasm or two. What should she do? Not only why did she “suddenly” wanted to have sex with this woman and when she didn’t believe in “that shit” but how does she make love to her?

And I’m listening to her and wondering (a) why the fuck she’s asking me and (b) what the fuck am I going to tell her? I know how to have sex with a woman but, sheesh, how do you tell a woman how to do it? Well, I gave it the good old college try and got her to understand that the only real difference between men and women in this are.. the parts. Lips can be kissed just like ears, necks, nipples and that our skin is not only the biggest organ on our bodies but the largest erogenous zone and chances are that since they’d already kissed and kinda/sorta felt each other up during the kiss, being naked with her and the two of them exploring each other’s bodies might not be that difficult but, um, yeah, the eating pussy thing and I had no frigging idea how to “tell” a woman how to eat pussy and without my very male perspective being involved.

All along, I had to answer her questions about how and why she was feeling this way, not just with her soon-to-be female lover but now with other women, too, and… I’ve never been good at explaining this and I fumbled and stumbled my way through it. I’d told her that this “part” of her had been awakened and it hit her all in one mad rush and it’s… a lot more normal than we believe it to be and that this particular wake-up call isn’t easy to deal with and the conversation lasted for a few days and eventually boiled down to me telling her that she’s either going to find that she can do this… or she won’t be able to. She believed that she wouldn’t be able to and that she was going to hurt his woman’s feelings, but I had the sense that if my friend couldn’t do it, her female friend would understand it. My friend called me the next day and she was “out of her mind” and had started talking so fast that she never even said hi or anything – she just dove right into having sex with her friend and how wonderful it was and, oh, yeah, I was right about what I’d told her and how come she never really knew about this before now?

Well, that was because we’re not supposed to know about it. My own personal theory that when we know about it – and it’s not just an intellectual exercise – the first thing to blindside us is either our thoughts or our feelings and sometimes, getting “bitch-slapped” all at one and in the spur of a moment that, again, we’re not supposed to be in… yet, there we are. The expansion has begun; the light has been seen. I’d often get a laugh out of those folks who, if you asked them if they’ve ever had such thoughts and feelings, would say that they never did and never will but, perhaps my own unique way of understanding things, if you’re thinking about what you won’t do, um, you’re still thinking about it and, as such, you are “dimly aware” of the possibilities even if you don’t or can’t see yourself doing “that shit.”

And the many men and women I personally know who found out that they could do “that shit” and why did it take so long for them to understand all of this? Well, that’s because there’s a lot to understand and it makes bisexuality very confusing and conflicting for a lot of people. The truth sets you free but it’s not always easy to accept it, let alone deal with the intellectual and even emotional impact being “sent into the light” can bring to the table and adults, I think, have more of a problem with this than our younger counterparts do. Did I have a problem like this? I saw that I did… but it wasn’t the gigantic clusterfuck I’ve seen adults go through once they’ve been awakened. Once expanded and have seen the light, there’s no real going back to the way you used to be.

It’s not all about having the sex but it is all about understanding… yourself and what being human can really mean. We say that actions speaks louder than words… but not when it comes to this because it’s the “words” that do the most speaking and they’re not all that easy to ignore. You can shove them to the back of the bus but many find that they’re still aware of them or, yup, thinking and doing aren’t the same things and, hell, yeah – thinking about doing something isn’t the same as being in the moment where, bluntly, it’s time to shit or get off the pot. Or even being able to engage one’s imagination and in a what-if kind of way because it’s just my opinion that if you can think “what if?” and able to create situations and circumstances where you might find yourself “doing some shit like that,” you’ve been exposed to “some” of the light and truth of things.

I love those folks who say that, yeah, if things lined up just the right way, they could do it – but they usually turn right around and bring their heterosexuality back to the front and provide a lot of reasons why they wouldn’t or couldn’t do the shit that they were just thinking about and even if we were just talking about it. I have believed that if you can see the possibilities and the logic of things, you’ve been, at the least, exposed to a little of the light that shines on the truth that we aren’t supposed to know about. If you’ve ever had a same-sex crush, even if you dismissed it in some way, the light shined on you “a little bit.” It didn’t “mean anything” but there’s no real denying that, yup, you had a crush like this or, gasp, someone was crushing on you in this way and that’s not the way it’s supposed to be… but you’ve been exposed to the way it can be…

If you don’t mind all that much. A lot of people do mind. Fine. It’s not that big of a deal and nothing to see here because it is… business as usual; more “theory” than a “reality” of things and even that, “That’s them but not me!” thing I’ve heard time and time again and in accordance and adherence to what you’ve been told about stuff like this. It’s so… disturbing that I’ve known and heard those who did get into the light dismiss it and like it didn’t happen; they didn’t know what they were doing and other such forms of denial and, sometimes, even those folks can find themselves blindsided to find that those thoughts and feelings that they had dismissed and suppressed have now return with a “vengeance” and, seemingly, out of nowhere and for no apparent reason… but they know the truth because they already knew it.

And a lot of people find themselves being… awakened. In thought or deed and, sometimes, both. Adults can understand this at the intellectual level because, duh, it’s really not that hard to understand that there are straight people and gay people and… bisexual people. That’s them or someone else, right? But if you can accept the reality and logic of bisexuality at a high level, at best, you’ve seen the light and are wearing… sunglasses. And that’s fine because now you’re not one of those other people who are saying that bisexuality isn’t real and that it can’t be real and all because of their continued belief that no one should be anything but straight – and, perhaps, not really understanding that they, too, have seen the like and have had their horizons expanded because if they haven’t, what exactly are they pitching a bitch about?

Sighing heavily. It’s all quite subjective and the very firm belief that there a lack of reality in bisexuality and that bisexuals are just… unholy perverts who can’t admit that they’re really gay. That they would never, ever, find themselves in a situation like this and, truthfully, not everyone ever does or if, say, they get hit on like this, well, ew – get the fuck away from me! – but, a little light has been let in and it can be disturbing to realize that someone who is the same sex as you are… wants to get you naked and gain some very carnal knowledge of you. Your mind is trying to ditch this notion and right along with, ah, that rush of excitement so many have grudgingly admitted to feeling and finding that you’re not just attractive in the approved opposite-sex way or, yeah, it’s flattering but I’d never do anything like that – and yet another lesson in thinking and doing not being the same things and that our words can and do speak louder than our actions – and even if only inside our own heads because the light has been seen and the awakening has happened and it either gets suppressed – pull the blinds back down (and hope they stay down) – or… step into the light and see the truth and, yeah, find out what it’s like to… do the impossible.

Younger Me didn’t have a problem getting “onboard” with bisexuality because Younger Me wasn’t Adult Me. Shit, Younger Me did a lot of shit in the process of experiencing and learning that makes Adult Me… embarrassed. I had to find my way in this, and I’m often amazed that I was able to since there were no “mentors” to be had – but plenty of people who were 100% against anything not heterosexual and telling me how I should be but not a mind to tell me how to better be the way I was. Adult Me can say that I didn’t ask to be bisexual and that’s the truth… but I sure as hell embraced the shit out of it because I got hit dead in the face with the truth of things, that people aren’t just straight or gay and, really, gay folks aren’t that hard to understand because the light showed me that I am, in fact and deed, like them… and not really. I am straight and like I’m supposed to be… and not really.

Younger Me had a field day in the light. Oh, hell, yeah! Adult Me… understands the progression of my evolution and how this… shaped me into Adult Me. I’ve seen it in others and some adults… can’t handle it and, in some cases, because they’re thinking it, it means that it has to be done… and I say, “No, it doesn’t. It’s really okay to think and feel this way but not everyone can do it and many who want to have reason not to.” That compulsion is a…. biological reaction and is so powerful and even “irrational” because – saying it again and will keep repeating it – this ain’t the way it’s supposed to be – and the truth, as it turns out for some, is a motherfucker to accept. Can’t and/or not supposed to be thinking and/or feeling this way. Shit, better not let anyone else know about this but, equally as strange, that compulsion to… tell everyone and I think it’s part of the awakening, that dawning of reality that you just gotta tell someone about it even when there’s also reason to think or know that doing so could be… wrought with “danger.”

Doesn’t sound like fun, does it? The “conflict of interests” – the stuff we’re told about how bad it is to not be heterosexual – can really fuck with a person’s mind and, yeah, the truth can hurt – a lot. The human mind is… adaptable and it will adjust and adapt and, sometimes, we might not be aware of this but I’ve seen so many go from being troubled to not being all that troubled. Doesn’t mean that they’re going to take the plunge but… it’s possible. For others it’s like, “Which way to the pool?” and more truths are learned and adjusted for because doing might sound “easy” but it really isn’t. The “funny” part is that the more you do it, the easier it becomes and at a lot of levels and especially, I think, the internal ones.

It… feels good to be able to say, “Been there and done that.” Results will always vary. Not as bad as “everyone” says it is and, sometimes, “regret” because now they can see those moments when, perhaps, such a crush was going on and/or or opportunities to take that “early plunge” were present but went by the wayside for some reason or because they were supposed to be ignored. Bisexuality, it appears, can hit anyone at any time and for a slew of reasons. That’s not the problem; that would be being an adult and trying to make sense of it. “Wide awake” but with no idea how you got here and “no idea” where to go or what to do and for those who I’ve seen become so very conflicted, the “advice” is… to just accept that this is how you feel and in order to do anything about the way you feel – and you don’t have to – well, you’re gonna have to figure that one out and, yeah, figure out how to do it since part of the “shock and awe” is so great that we don’t see that… having the sex has the same “components” that gets adjusted to account for the anatomical differences.

Simple, huh? Yeah, not really. Intellectually, y’all can understand this. Maybe even able to “see” and accept this in others but not so much for yourself unless some seriously conditional and/or situational things were to happen and they’re “unlikely to” and for anyone who thinks this way, um, er, ah, I wouldn’t because I’ve seen and known people to do this and… the impossible happens.

Or, you never really say never because Mr. Murphy just loves to fuck with people who say never. Still, it’s okay to think and feel in this dual way. Doing is another critter. The truth and sheer reality of bisexuality can be harsh and a bitch to deal with but know that a lot of people… deal with it. They adjust and adapt and if they’ve dived into the pool, well, who knew it wasn’t that bad and it was scary good?

That would be any- and everyone who has embraced bisexuality; any- and everyone who has seen the light and the truth and has been able to adjust their thinking and way of looking at, well, everything in that very different light. My protege is such a person. Said that he’d never do anything like that and got bathed in the light and awakened and he had… issues dealing with it and that was about the time we met each other via my blog. He went from “I’d never” to “Who’s next?” He had so many fears that had to be conquered; he had a way of thinking about such things that had to be adjusted and it took him quite a bit of time to… be okay with being bisexual but, I might add, quicker than some I’ve mentored in the past.

I… laugh at people who say that they’re “woke” because they… don’t really understand what being awakened really means. Or saying they were “this old” to have found out something and, really? Bisexuality is one hell of a wakeup call and, well, those “woke” folks have no idea how “woke” things can really be and how it can change them – and their lives – forever. Bisexuality does this and writ rather largely. The emotional impact can be… terrible since, again, it completely clashes and conflicts with what we think we know about sexuality and “theory” becomes reality and you might not see it coming but for some, it’s already there and… y’all know who you are. Those of you who are open-minded and not all that opposed to the possibilities should they present themselves and quite comfortable to be able to think in this rather enlightening way and if, by chance, some doing comes your way, um, okay – could be fun.

You get it even if you aren’t running around trying to do it. The theory and basic principles and logic are sound. That’s my idea of being woke. The moment it’s understood that bisexuality is just as much a part of what it means to be human as straight and gay is. You don’t have to do it to learn this but, um, yeah, it could be fun (and it is, by the way). Maybe one is of a mind to speak about what they wouldn’t do and that’s fine… but there’s still the awareness of what could be done just the same. One very well could cite under what circumstances such a thing might happen under but, um, you can think of them and even figure out how to do it, you know, if you were “really” of a mind to or even had reason to but as I’ve found, “reason” doesn’t mean “a whole lot” because this bisexuality thing has always been a part of human nature because we are social animals and one’s who can feel and think things and, yep, do them if, um, if ya don’t mind and actions can be justified.

What a rush this can be…

 

The Daily Prompt: 17 January 23, 1620 hours

What is your spirit animal?

My spirit animal is… the gecko.

I was on a ten-day cruise of the Hawiian islands when we made a stop at Kona and I had a whole eight hours to kill while my girlfriend was shopping and, yeah, that. “Bad enough” that when we hooked back up, I’m going to be carrying all of the bags I knew she was going to have and if I’m going to be sitting around waiting for her, I might as well skip that and do something to occupy myself for the duration. I’m wandering here and there – and after experiencing the heavenly bliss of Kona coffee – I came across a tattoo parlor and, okay: Let’s get another tat!

There were no other customers inside, so I had time to talk with the artist as we determined what kind of tat I wanted; once I told him that I was visiting off the cruise ship, he said, “I see! You need… a guide, a way for your ancestors to always know where you are – and I know just the guide you need!”

I have a “tribal” tattoo of a gecko on my right wrist. He said that this was the perfect place for it because even if I was wearing a long-sleeved shirt, the gecko would be able to “see” where I was, and my ancestors would see and know that I was okay. Now, admittedly, I wasn’t really buying this… island mysticism but it somehow resonated with me anyway, and I’d said, “Let’s do this!”

An hour later, I’ve got yet another tattoo to go with the others I already had. Currently, I have fourteen tattoos: Seven on the right, seven on the left (and there’s a reason for this) but the gecko on my wrist… means something. Well, all of my tattoos have meaning but this one stands out because despite some shit I’ve gone through since getting it, I’m still here to talk about it.

I reconnected with my girlfriend – and carrying all those damned bags – and she’d asked why my wrist was bandaged and I told her about the new tattoo and the story behind it… and she gave me a look that suggested I had lost whatever mind I had. The “bad” part is that I was so wrapped up in the story of my new gecko that I’d forgotten to get some stuff to take care of it until it healed and without scarring and didn’t think of it until we were back on the ship, and it was moving away from the dock. I had to go to the ship’s store and get a bottle of lotion and hoped that it would be enough to heal properly. And, as you might expect, I kept hitting my right wrist on everything that could be hit…

There are times when I feel… troubled but I’ll look at my gecko and… not all that troubled. I can’t say that I actually “commune” with my spirit guide but, I guess I do in some way. I get to tell the story of why I have a gecko on my wrist, too, and some get it and some… are sure that whatever mind I had left was out to lunch.