Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: Are Bisexuals Likely to be Polyamorous?

Well, yeah, given the nature of being bisexual. It’s one of those almost “duh” kind of things where one can reasonably assume that if you can have sex with anyone – male or female – you can be in some kind of relationship with either or both. What makes it not that much of a “duh” thing is how people think about sex and relationships and men, in particular, tend to be more about the sex than a committed type of relationship when hanging out on the other side of the fence. But it has to be mentioned that a lot of guys are looking for an FWB with or without exclusivity.

Polyamory – and like bisexuality – isn’t just a thing to do: It’s a way to be. It’s a feeling that one can have that tells them that loving one person is all well and good but being able to love more than one person is what they’re capable of – I’m not sure I can really explain it all that well and when I say being able to love more than one person, that includes pretty much everything that being in love with someone comes with. Of course, the rub comes into play because we barely know how to have a loving relationship with one person and being in a loving relationship with multiple people will most certainly put one to the test and in a great many ways.

To say it gets complicated is another of my famous – or infamous – understatements. You’re gonna feel whatever you’re gonna feel but doing something about those feelings can feel 100% right but, more often than not, fails in execution and again because of our long-held beliefs about how relationships are supposed to be – two’s company, three (or more) is a mess you don’t want anything to do with… and bisexuality may make being poly easier or it might add complications to an already complicated state of existence.

At this moment, I don’t think being single or in a relationship has much of an impact on being bisexual and poly except, of course, who you choose to partner with in this. One of the things I do know is that being poly can “open the door” and let bisexuality join the party and, yeah, I’ve heard a lot of people say, “Nah, that would never happen ’cause I ain’t like that!” and all that tells me is those who’ve said that have severely underestimated the power of love as well as how sex has a master key to our emotions. I’ve known couples who’ve become quartets and they’ve gotten blindsided when bisexuality shows up and, yeah, I’ve known couples who have explicitly forbidden any same-sex activities but, again, not taking into consideration how, in this situation, being a poly quartet comes with levels of intimacy (that isn’t all sex) that can make the impossible very damned possible.

There’s an odd kind of logic that says if we’re all in this together and doing everything together and including having sex together, um, why just limit it to the boy/girl stuff when we do have feelings for each other? If we’re gonna do this and be all into it, well, why not? This odd logic tends to fail at times because it can’t stand up to the emotional impact it can have on someone who is not so inclined to go both ways for any reason and not even for the sake of love. It’s not to be said that bisexuality is going to just invade things “automatically” or as a matter of course but, yeah, it can happen and, as it tends to happen, when it’s not expected or there’s a rule to prevent it.

I do think that bisexuals who are amenable to being poly do have an advantage given the dual nature of their attractions and I’d have to say that the “ideal” poly quartet is one where everyone is bisexual but not all bisexuals are of a mind to be in an ongoing relationship with more than one person at a time and many have a hard time making the adjustment to include an FWB when they’re already in a relationship. As odd as it may sound, a lot of bisexuals are… monogamous and moving from being monogamous to non-monogamous is either out of the question or not an easy transition to make.

And a lot of it, I think, has to do with those negative emotions I mentioned in my last scribble and the illusion of all things being equal, which isn’t impossible, mind you, but falls into that category that makes some people say that bisexuality is and should be a 50/50 kind of thing. Bisexuals have forever been welded to group sex and, namely, the dreaded threesome and not completely because they can be all hot and erotic but it shows an… expansion, for lack of a better word, that makes sharing sex with more than one person a logical and sensible thing to do and, no, I’m not 100% sure I understand why – I just know it can be like that. But one-on-one sex has been ingrained into our mindset and even bisexuals can have some difficulties having sex with more than one person involved and, if so, being in a loving and full-blown poly relationship can be even more difficult.

Hell, just the thought of having sex with “spectators” is usually enough to make most people lose their minds, let alone having those spectators participating in things… which is, again, the reason why I say that when considering polyamory, you really do have to unlearn all that stuff you’ve learned in order to learn a totally different way of doing them and one of those different ways could be bisexuality. I can’t say that “everyone” who goes for this does so with the potential of activating their bisexuality in mind; some actually do, but I’d say that’s the exception rather than the norm. When you put bisexuality and polyamory together, the adage of “never say never” comes to mind and I’d even go as far to suggest that if you’re planning a poly group, well, you should make this part of the discussion and then don’t be surprised if/when it actually happens.

And never assume that a member of the group isn’t going to have or find reason to change their mind and based upon how they’re feeling and how the other members are feeling about them. At a high level of thought, polyamory is sharing love with everyone involved and then with attention to detail toward how each member of the group wants/needs to love and be loved as well as what that means to them and what it entails and, yeah, how committed they are to the group. There are, of course, things that someone just isn’t going to do and that is always to be respected… just don’t be surprised if, again, the power of love within the group changes their mind. One of the funny things about being in love is that thing that’ll make a lot of us say that if we love you, there’s nothing we wouldn’t do for you – short of doing some highly illegal shit like, oh, robbing a bank or something along those lines… then it’s discovered that there are some things that you’re not gonna do, loving them or not – it’s just how some of us are about it.

Sigh. At the least, bisexuals have the potential to embrace polyamory and one can potentially become bisexuality in a poly setting and there’s just no way to definitively say whether a bisexual is going to be onboard with being poly or someone isn’t going to discover something about themselves that the group bonding has brought out in them. For many poly groups that I know or knew of, bisexuality never showed up and, at the very least, it was hinted at… and for some, oh, yeah, it arrived with bells on and totally shocked the shit out of everyone involved, not just because something “forbidden” happened but, usually, because they didn’t see it coming and didn’t think it could just happen like that.

As a bisexual, did I find being poly easy? Oh, hell, no. Given the makeup of our triad, did I foresee bisexuality paying us a visit? I most certainly did; in my mind, it wasn’t a matter of if it was gonna happen but when it was gonna happen and until it did, I spent a lot of near-sleepless nights thinking about damage control because while I knew it was gonna happen, I didn’t know what was gonna happen after it did and it scared the shit out of me. All late and wrong, I realized that, um, shit, maybe this was something we should have talked about when we sat down and talked about it and I can easily blame myself for this oversight and even when I started seeing the signs that told me what was going to eventually happen.

Which is why I’m telling anyone who wants to embrace polyamory to make double damned sure that when the group gets together to hash out how the relationship is going to go and look like, don’t forget to talk about this and for no other reason than forewarned is forearmed and should bisexuality arrive on the scene, no one gets blindsided by it. It gets weird in that ya might not want to expect it to happen (or want it to) but, yeah, don’t be surprised because, again, you just never know when someone – and even you – just might change their minds and dependent upon how the group gestalt is flowing and working.

It’s just not a given that bisexuals are more likely to be polyamorous. Like I said, a lot of people have a hard time dealing with their bisexuality and now we’re talking about the ultimate relationship and, well, you do the math. People are just… funny about how they go about forming and having relationships and going about the business of being in a relationship and, yup, definitely funny about having sex… and being poly changes all of that and no matter the shape of your group. I’d even go as far to say that if you’re already in a relationship and y’all are considering being poly, there’s a question I’d like to ask: Could you see your loving partner having sex with someone else? Most people can’t and some people think they can handle it right up to the moment they discover that they can’t handle it. One of the words even I learned was compersion, which, as I understand it is being happy because the person your with is happy. Yeah, some of us say, “If you’re happy, I’m happy!” and being poly can make one think twice about that and whether they really and truly meant it. It’s just not seeing them having sex with someone else – it’s knowing that they are and, whew, that’s just not an easy thing to adjust to and even more so if your partner is being truthful with you and telling you that when they have sex with another member of the group, they’re having a grand time and, yeah, I’ve heard couples trying to convince each other that, yeah, they did it but they didn’t enjoy it all that much when, um, that’s not the way things went down. And if a partner is having sex on the bisexual side of things, shit, well, lemme put it like this, if I may: You can feel some kind of way when the girls in the group are getting busy and they tell you that you’re not as good at going down on them as the other girl/girls are (or the guys in those situations I knew of).

Yep, heard that one and more than once. Did it bother me? Yeah, a little but in my mind, it didn’t matter as long as everyone was happy with each other and, oh, yeah, good luck with that one. It didn’t send me into a tailspin because, unbeknownst to me, I had embraced compersion and before I even knew there was such a word. I learned to embrace something that Bill Cosby once said (before everyone started hating him): “I don’t know the secret to success but I know the secret to failure is trying to please everyone.” And when poly relationships fail, well, this is why they do and why none of this is ever about equality but all about equity and whether bisexuality is involved or not.

It all gets… messy because feelings are involved and it 100% bad form to fuck with someone’s feelings, oh, like saying that you know you all agreed to this but you don’t like it all that much or griping about someone getting more attention that you are or everyone else is and other things of that nature. Polyamory is a journey of discovery and if you don’t understand that everyone involved is going to discover things in their own way, I’d advise you not to even think about being poly. You just cannot love everyone equally. You can try and I’m just gonna sit over here and wait to see how long it’ll take you realize that you can’t do it. You’re just not dealing with a “group” thing – you are also dealing with the individual personalities of the group as well and you cannot interact with everyone in the exact same way because people react differently about loving and being loved. Some may want “a whole lot” and some are okay with not a whole lot – and, again, they can change their mind about that – and now we’re right back to being able to openly communicate and effective so.

Even this doesn’t mean that bisexuals are more likely to be poly because, again, being poly is much more than having sex. Even we run into those moments when we know there’s something not quite right with whomever we’re with and we ask them what’s going on and they say, “Nothing.” When, ideally, when asked what’s going on, you get told what’s going on and then being able to listen without getting all bent out of shape… and bisexuality doesn’t necessarily lend itself to such a high level of calm objectivity.

So the answer to the question isn’t much of an answer: Bisexuals can be more likely to be poly… and not. The poly “rabbit hole” is, no joke and I shit you not, deeper and more involved that most can imagine and bisexuality just makes the rabbit hole even deeper. If it’s already there, you really don’t know if it’s going to “spread” or if it’s not there, you don’t know if it’s going to remain absent from things. And considering – again – that a lot of bisexuals are monogamous, well, you get the picture, I hope.

 

Life, Living and Loving: Being Poly

This is something I don’t write a whole lot about these days but being poly is forever etched in my heart and soul. I know what’s good about it – and it’s more than just the sex – and I know what’s bad about it and how/why a lot of people who give being poly a shot, more often than not, tend to fail more than they succeed.

Over the years, I’ve seen a lot of people embrace polyamory and a lot of them have been single and, well, for the longest time, I would wonder, “How does this work for single people?” and more so when single folks are actually free and clear to engage with whoever they want and as many as they can manage… and then I thought about some stuff that made going poly for single folks not so easy to do:

It’s what we think relationships are supposed to be like and an inability to break away from the prescribed behavior of one man/one woman. I gave a lot of thought to this and saw that when it comes to relationships, single folks are held to the same standard as married people are – relationships are monogamous and can’t be anything other than that. Having been married and poly showed me that while this doesn’t make being poly any easier, what it does do is provide an anchor point (for the lack of another way to put it); married folks often find it’s “easier” to be poly because at the root of this, their core relationship is the anchor point and provides the strength, love, and trust to make branching out “easier.”

And an anchoring point that single folks don’t have. The biggest mistake I found and learned about this is when you attempt to be poly while invoking any of the rules of monogamy, yep – that’s gonna be a problem. Then toss in and for good measure that many folks aren’t too keen about sharing and, of course, the rules of monogamy says, “Thou shalt not share anything with anyone else – ever!” The way we’ve always gone about relationships makes us… territorial and, yeah, possessive which brings me back to the thing I say about this: In order to be successfully polyamorous, you must forget and unlearn everything you know about love, sex, and relationships so you can learn a whole different way of doing these things… and not many people can do this.

It’s one thing to think that you can; it’s one thing to see the sense that polyamory brings to the table and, again, just not exclusively a sexual thing. It’s a whole different thing to actually get into it and saying it this way doesn’t even begin to cover how intensely difficult it can be; it’s not as “easy” as getting together with a bunch of people who thinks and feels the same way you do… because almost everyone has their own idea of how a relationship is supposed to work. Not only do the ever-pervasive rules of monogamy make being poly one hell of a clusterfuck to end all clusterfucks, there’s the other thing I’ve said that comes into play: All those negative emotions like envy, jealousy, possessiveness and obsessiveness? You can’t allow them to be a part of this – ever…. but it’s a combination of human nature and the rules of being monogamous that makes this a difficult thing to move away from and eliminate from one’s heart and soul and, yes, their minds.

I’ve seen a lot of written material about this and I’d not say that it’s bad or anything like that but, shit, how can I put this and have it make sense? Being poly isn’t a one-size-fits-all kind of thing so while there are experts who write and talk about the “best ways to be poly,” there’s much more to it and beginning with the people involved and if you’re the kind of person who thinks or otherwise believes that being able to openly love more than one person at a time is the “big problem” everyone says it is, you’re not going to do well in a poly situation. You have to know, without any doubts in your mind, that you do have the capacity and ability to be “madly in love” with more than one person and it never made sense to be limited to loving just one person at a time. And then you have to be able to find people who are like this, too. I’ve said that to be poly, you have to be seriously grown up and, sorry to say, a lot of people find that they’re not as grown up as they thought themselves to be.

This isn’t about sharing sex with a lot of people: This is about sharing every damned aspect of your life with a lot of people. In a piece that DDJennifer wrote about this very same thing, she accurately pointed out an inherent flaw and cause for polyamory to utterly fail with some folks: Expecting equality rather than equity. Many find out almost right away that trying to treat their poly partners equally just doesn’t work. Indeed, one of the qualities needed is the ability to multitask and with attention to detail about those in your poly group because, um, everyone is different and while that sounds like yet another Captain Obvious statement, you probably can’t imagine how this means so much when considering polyamory and right along with the fact that people do change and I do not mean “over time” but literally from one moment to the next.

Most attempts at polyamory fail because of a lack of planning and by this, I mean there is no plan that is – and should be – a shared vision of how this crazy relationship is going to work and what its goals for everyone involved are. Even I learned that if you don’t have 100% buy-in to the shared vision by everyone involved, things are going to get interesting. There are different… flavors of polyamory: Open, closed, triads, quartets, so on and so forth and then the shit gets deep and I do mean really deep within these flavors and it does make a difference whether or not a poly group is living together or separately and, yeah, if anyone has children. I’ve seen people apply rules and, with married or existing couples, rules that more often than not serve to preserve their core relationship. It’s not that it doesn’t work because it can… but it’s usually a recipe for disaster when, I’d say a lot of times, those rules are severely locked down and not subject to change or even discussion.

Which brings me back to another part of this and some skills that, if you don’t have them or suck at them, you’ve got some work to do. Communication is everything and once that fails to be established in effective ways and among all involved, failure is imminent. The other skills are time management, conflict resolution, and problem resolution as well as an ability to be more objective than subjective when you wind up having to “play” referee and peacemaker and not having these skills and abilities is yet another recipe for disaster.

I’ve said time and time again that being in a poly relationship makes being married look like child’s play… because it’s way harder than being married and if you’re single and thinking about embracing a poly lifestyle, hah – if you think dating is a major pain in the ass? You ain’t seen nothing yet because being poly makes dating look easy and problem-free. I’ve said that the moment anyone involved starts thinking “me” more than “us,” things are going to get shaky and, again, it’s just human nature for someone to think about what they want and need and it becomes the basis of their “agenda” and one that carries a lot of urgency and must be front and center… and that’s yet another fatal mistake those who fail at this tends to make – that “my way or no way” thing that has killed the shit out of relationships time and time again.

As such, if you lack the ability of the art of compromise and negotiation, well, hmm. It’s not just “what’s best for me” but it’s all about “what’s best for all of us.” It’s “what can we do together and as a ‘whole’ while attending to each other’s individual wants, needs, and other stuff like that. Whether your single and trying to do this or you’re already in a relationship, eh, it’s not so much a thing of “management by committee” so much as someone probably – or should – bear the responsibility of maintaining the group gestalt and keeping everyone focused on the shared vision that you better had established. It’s not so much a thing of being “the leader of the pack” but, yeah, it kinda is but doing so in an objective way and minus any personal biases and that’s incredibly difficult for a lot of people and, usually, I think, because of what they think relationships should be like and not what they can potentially be, you know, if you can get and keep everyone involved on the same page.

The sex. I’m not gonna bullshit you: If you think the sex is a secondary concern, you just screwed the pooch. The sex is important because sex binds and even in this, if you have a long list of things you’re not going to do for love or anything else, yeah, you might wanna do something about that. In this area alone, failures occur because someone will invariably start feeling like they’re being left out or they’re not getting enough of the action or, with existing couples, one person is having way too much fun than the other and many find that the more rules put in place to, um, contain or suppress sexual activities, the greater the chance of failure. Even in this, a lot of people tend to think more about what they want and need more than what can be possible and eschewing what I think is a “simple” premise: Everything is negotiable. It’s just that not many people are of a mind to negotiate and in that “my way or no way” mindset that we all tend to have. It might sound counterintuitive but the sex must flow, whether it’s one-on-one or if it happens in a group setting and if you have inhibitions or other hang-ups about sex and, yeah, sexuality, hmm, ya might want to work on getting rid of them and beginning right now.

And then, if all of this doesn’t load your plate up to beyond overflowing, you still have to go about your daily life and those things that are connected to it. One of the things that is a benefit is that if you’re struggling in day-to-day stuff, you hopefully have people around you who are ready, willing, and able to jump on in and give you a hand with it; poly relationships are “one for all and all for one” so it’s not just about the sex and the other things that go along with being in this very extended and complex way to be in a relationship… and one of those things also involves children and whether they’re youngsters or adults… and that just makes all of this even more complicated. It’s funny in that there was a time where we’d say that it takes a village to raise a child but these days? Yeah, not so much and no parent likes or wants to be told how to raise their children and other related things and, yep, a lot of folks tend to forget that their children do have a minds of their own and, yep, one big mistake a lot of folks make is trying to hide this from their children – and children who are a lot more observant that we’d like to believe.

Then if all of this hasn’t baked your noodle to a very crispy crunch, there’s what other people are going to see and think… and some of that isn’t going to be a good thing. I learned that when you try to keep this on the DL, yeah, that just ain’t gonna work and if I had a dollar for every time someone asked me what the hell was going on, my money problems wouldn’t be a problem. They’re going to notice it and some will be intuitive enough to know exactly what you’ve gotten yourself into and some of them are going to read you the riot act and like you’ve never heard it before. Sure, it’s none of their goddamned business what and how you’re living your life in this and, yep, they’re gonna preach to you about the way you should be doing things and the important thing that you and all who involved should keep firmly in mind that this is your life and lives and you have a responsibility to yourselves to live it the best way you can manage to do so and if that means there’s a “bunch” of you living and loving together and it allows everyone to flourish, that’s just the way it is and if no one else likes it, all they can do is not like it… and being prepared for repercussions is a very smart thing to do.

Shit… I remember when my mom figured it out and I was kinda/sorta prepared to get read the riot act to end all riots acts when all she said was, “I hope you know what you’re doing.” My response was, “I hope so, too.” I did have to “correct” her on one thought she had: This wasn’t my idea to begin with but I was both challenged and tasked to make it work and it actually made sense since we were already open to begin with and there were certain… needs that had to be met to maintain continuity – and peace in the valley – in our marriage and relationship. I knew before I accepted the challenge that this was going to be one hell of a mess… but one I felt I could deal with. I didn’t expect it to last very long… and it lasted way longer than I could have ever dreamed of and, nope, it wasn’t as smoothly as it could have idealistically been. We all made mistakes and, yeah, if you wanna know how I know what I do about it? It’s because we screwed things up as well as made them work and since I had the “job” of being the gatekeeper, well, I learned some stuff about what it takes to live a poly lifestyle that I’m glad I learned… and kinda wish I hadn’t.

It’s like “any other relationship” in that what works for one probably ain’t gonna work for another which is why if/when you’re considering this, you and whoever chooses to be with you in this has to sit down and “design” the foundation of the poly relationship and keeping it as simple as humanly possible. Being in a poly relationship is the ultimate relationship; it defies everything we know and believe when it comes to love, sex, and said relationships. Monogamy and it’s hard-set rules will not work in this and trying to hold onto to those rules can turn this into an “us versus them” kind of situation that will lead to its demise and in a hurry. It’s being committed to each other but also being committed to that shared vision I mentioned a while ago and if you or those with you aren’t of a mind to be that committed, well, ya might not wanna get into this or you can keep your nose to the grindstone and find those who can be this committed… and with the sure and certain knowledge and understanding that nothing is forever.

Being poly – and very much like being bisexual, as it turns out – isn’t just a thing to do: It is a way to be and it’s a life-changing way to be. It’s not all about having a group of lovers or sexual partners; this is about, again, sharing every aspect of your life with people you love and everyone being in love with everyone else, not equally because that’s impossible but with focus on equity, the quality of the relationship and with those who are willing to do whatever’s necessary to make it work and keep it working.

You don’t have to take my word for it. Research it; see what others are thinking and saying about it both pro and con and then take a lot of time to search deep within yourself and see if you can be up for the great challenge it is most definitely going to present. It is worth it because if nothing else, you learn some stuff about yourself; you learn what being in love can really mean and that love doesn’t have any boundaries except those we put in the way of it. There’s just so much work that has to be done, personally and especially if you go forward to embrace polyamory.

And I do wish anyone considering this all the luck in the world because if you do this, I can almost guarantee you that it’s going to be the most insane thing you’ve ever done… and ya just might be glad that you did it anyway.

 

Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: Bisexuality and Polyamory

I’ve probably written about this before but while perusing the Reader, I saw a blog asking about this and my first thought was that bisexuality is almost tailor-made for polyamory since, at the simplest of levels, one finds that their capacity to feel things for others gets greatly expanded and, yeah, even when some of those feelings are not much more than pure and unadulterated lust. It tends to cause confusion in some since being monogamous – and even in our feelings – is highly and strongly mandated and I’ve seen so many people falling all over themselves because they’ve found themselves being in love with someone… but having similar feelings for someone else… and then doing a Jedi mind trick on themselves in order to convince themselves that, for one, they’re not supposed to be feeling like this and, for another, convincing themselves that whatever they’re feeling for someone else – for the most part – isn’t what it really feels like and that there’s some great difference between loving someone and being in love with them.

A lot of people are guilty of this and, yeah, I used to be one of them until I got kicked in the nuts – figuratively, not literally. As I recall, I was well aware that to some degree, I had feelings for guys and gals – lust or otherwise – but really failed to connect the two things and, yep, knowing that I had feelings for someone but I also had feelings for someone else but, like many, suppressed them… but not so much. It took finding out that through no fault of my own, the love I had for someone wasn’t enough for them; they needed more and even from a different direction; it wasn’t that they didn’t love me because they did… but. The whole heart-rending situation forced me to see the reality of the situation, that it really wasn’t “impossible” to have feelings for one person while having feelings for someone else but it was just a matter of that being monogamous thing that was really the biggest problem.

Like, how are you gonna tell someone that if they have feelings for you, they cannot ever have feelings for someone else and they sure as hell aren’t supposed to do anything about those other feelings? Yet, that’s exactly what we’ve been told to do and with the admonishment that trying to love more than one person at a time would be the biggest mistake ever made and is guaranteed to blow up in your face and catastrophically so. Through my sexuality, I learned a few things and beginning with the reason why it can blow up is because while we can have such feelings, shit – we barely know how to love (or otherwise feel) for one person, let alone more than one and, of course, everyone has their own ideas about this but still predicated on the tenets of monogamy.

It’s not that bisexuals can’t be monogamous physically because they can… but emotionally? As I’ve said hundreds of times now, a woman I loved so very much told me that you can’t do a damned thing about the way you feel; you can only do something about how you may or may not act on those feelings. I learned that, yeah, sometimes you are compelled to act and even more so when we’ve all been taught that if you care for or love someone, then you gotta do some stuff about it… and I learned that at the very least, all you have to do is accept that this is how you feel but, yeah, not doing something about those feelings can be a bit of a bitch.

Now, you don’t have to be any kind of sexual to be able to understand this; it’s just that my wakeup call with this one had me “going back” and looking at myself and my bisexuality to really see what had been going on the whole time: Me having feelings for a lot of people and not just for one person whether it was lust, infatuation or even love. I think that had I not been bisexual and “finally” understanding how my own feelings were working, getting hit with this would have been much harder to accept… and off we went, freeing each other to act on our feelings instead of doing what everyone else does: Have those “extra” feelings and just flat out denying them or, yeah, stepping off to the side to do something about them.

I had time to think about this and to see the fallacy of being monogamous; growing up, I was pretty much told that I should (read that as had to) love my parents and siblings and other relatives but if I met a girl, I could only love that girl and no other at the same time. I realized that I’d literally been taught to be polyamorous, only to be told that, outside of the family, I couldn’t be. That realization was an even bigger kick in the nuts and saw that by invoking monogamous behavior, sure – I was being told what I couldn’t do but I was also being told that I couldn’t feel the way I felt… and, again, my bisexuality had already proven to me that I was more than capable – and often very willing – to feel whatever I felt with anyone even though doing something about it, I saw, wasn’t always possible. When the woman I loved told me this, it became an even bigger revelation and epiphany when I eventually saw that I had already learned that lesson – I just hadn’t connected it all together.

When people bitch about bisexuals and say that we’re greedy, they’re not just talking about our greater need and desire for sex and it begs a question: Is there really such a thing as loving and being loved too much? Is caring for more than one person really that bad of a thing and, yeah, do we not know that lusting after more than one person has always been seen as very bad? We see cheating as such a horrible thing to do and always asking why it happens and we always think that it’s about sex alone… when that’s not the whole truth since a lot of infidelity starts with feelings; you love whomever you’re with but then someone comes along and, the short version, you feel more “love” in that sense and while we tend to see it as being different, well, of course it is since everyone is different and how you react to them emotionally is going to be different… but it’s not always a matter of replacing feelings for one person with feelings for another: It’s the addition of those feelings, getting more from someone else than one is already feeling and getting. Of course, the “bad” part about this is doing something about those feelings and sex, it seems, becomes inevitable because other than for the sake of lust, nothing expresses the deeper feelings better than having sex with someone.

It’s not that difficult to see what’s really at fault here… and it’s not really us: It’s what we’ve been made to believe. Being in love and loving – in some way – someone else at the same time cannot be done; it should never be done and we still haven’t, as a whole, made the connection that this demand is unrealistic and we do fuck up a lot of shit – including ourselves – because of this very unrealistic expectation and forces us to control or suppress our natural ability to love more than one person at a time as well as our innate “compulsion” to do something about what we’re feeling.

Bisexuals get exposed to this and even when they’re of a mind that it’s “easier” to just have the sex and without any other feelings getting in the way but, again, you don’t have to be bisexual to see this at work; swingers, in particular, have no problems letting their lust for others loose… but developing feelings other than lust for those they’re having mad crazy good sex with? Verboten. Do not even go there and it had better not be discovered that you do have more feelings other than lust for someone because there will be hell to pay… which brings me back to the question of why and how we feel that we have the right to tell each other how we’re supposed to feel and placing such dire restrictions on them and ourselves? The fact of things and as I learned them is that you can feel whatever the hell you want to and for as many people as you can; doing something about those feelings? Yeah, that can get interesting… but if you could, hmm.

One of the things that solidified all of this in my mind was something my mother told me the day I told her I was getting married – and other than, “I hope you know what you’re doing!” She said, “Your marriage is only going to be as good as the two of you are willing to make it.” And then I learned what that really meant and the “bottom line” thinking and realization that it is better to ask permission than to keep begging forgiveness – and then not ever forgiving or being forgiven. While it’s all well and good to be free to sexually express yourself with whomever you can, it feels even better to be freed from monogamy so that you can feel whatever you’re feeling and without being guilty over the fact that you love this person… but you love that person… or persons. Doing stuff about it is complicated but not impossible…

And these days, a lot of people have figured it out and, again, sexuality isn’t the only method of figuring out but it does, in fact, help. The much dreaded word “threesome” comes up and freaks a lot of people out and that’s understandable… but what they don’t understand so much that, in this situation, sharing sex with someone you love and with others involved isn’t just about sex – it’s also an expanded expression of a great many feelings including the love you feel for the person you’re with and, yeah, it’s often conducted in a way that where sex can be shared… as long as there are no other feelings other than lust going on even though lust is a feeling, too – it’s just one that doesn’t require a relationship in order to be a valid emotional state – we just continue to believe that it does.

Bisexuals probably do understand this better than other types of sexual; it’s not wholly about doing shit about it but being able to feel what we’re feeling and being open and honest with ourselves about this very polyamorous aspect about ourselves. It is a wonderful feeling and part of things that makes being bisexual so eye-opening liberating and allows one to understand that not only can we be bisexual, but we can feel whatever we want to feel for more than one person at a time. There was a time in our history when humans were very polyamorous and relationships included many people joined together in a common cause – primarily survival and it lent itself well to the perpetuation of the species… until some folks decided that this wasn’t the best way to do things and invoked the Word of God… and monogamy.

But especially in bisexuals, this is a difficult state of mind to find one’s self in and to the point where bi guys, in particular, will tell you in a heartbeat that they don’t like men like they do women – and they’re talking romantically, not sexually and it’s like, duh, of course you don’t since women aren’t men and, oh, yeah, that’s right – being romantically interested in men is a very gay way to be. This becomes such a thing in the minds of many that they are unable to see how polyamorous they really are because, again, lust really is a legitimate emotional state – just one that really doesn’t have anything to do with being in love or, as I like to say, you do like them – or want to like them – enough to make sex possible and doable.

Being polyamorous isn’t just about sex but the inclusion of sex isn’t that bad of a thing if you can put your heads together and figure out how to “do it all” and without monogamy fucking everything up and invoking the learned behaviors of being possessive, jealous, envious, and many more feelings. It seems to be impossible… and I know for a fact that it isn’t and I’m not the only one who has learned this. Many of us are very much aware of our capacity and ability to have feelings for more than one person at a time and whether sex is involved or not but it’s being able to open admit and accept that you can, indeed, feel what you’re feeling even though many people see this as emotional infidelity because you just are not supposed to ever love anyone other than the person you’re with… and that has never really stopped anyone from having such feelings and when we do, we’re pretty quick to shut it down in ourselves because it’s wrong and there’s no believe that this should be going on inside of us to begin with… and denying, to a certain extent, that this is how we are really feeling.

There’s nothing you can do about the way you feel; you can only do something about how you might act on those feelings… and my question is, “What if you could? What if you could and without totally destroying everything in the process? What if you really could have your cake and eat it, too… and enjoy everyone else’s cake? Would that be something you might be interested in?”

There was a time when a great many people would say, “Oh, fuck no!” These days? People are changing their minds about that because they realize that no matter what the rules say, their relationship is only going to be as good as the two of them are willing to make it. How do you prevent infidelity? By removing the elements that can cause it to happen whether it’s emotional, physical, or both – and then understanding that it is unrealistic to expect and demand that one person is all you’re ever going to want and need for the entirety of your life. And it’s not that there aren’t a lot of people who don’t know this already because they do; they just don’t know what to do about it and they don’t know because it’s something we are forbidden to learn and even those who try to make being polyamorous work often fail because they’re trying to do so while applying many of monogamy’s rules…

Which is exactly why I’ve been saying that in order to be and embrace polyamory, you have to unlearn everything you know about love, sex, and relationships so that you can learn an entirely different way to go about these things and that calls for rewriting and/or abandoning the very rigid rules of monogamy and rules that, by design, prevent us from feeling the way we can feel. And we believe it to the point that when we find ourselves feeling something for anyone who isn’t the person we’re already with, we feel guilty as fuck about it and that, my friends, is a conditioned response and confuses the shit out of us because, on the one hand, feeling whatever for someone else at the same time we’re feeling something for someone else does, in fact, make us feel good… but we’ve all been mindfucked into believing it is morally improper.

You don’t have to be bisexual to see this at work… but it’s probably the “best” way to experience what it’s like to be polyamorous – and even without sex being involved. And as always, you don’t have to believe me and it wouldn’t surprise me if you didn’t… because you’re not supposed to believe that such a state of mind is even possible and if you were to ever feel this, you are demanded to reject it, deny it, suppress it and at the risk of your own mental wellbeing. And don’t we do this even though we know that it’s actually doing us more harm than good? Polyamory isn’t about doing first and foremost: It’s about feeling. You love this person and there’s no denying that… but you love this other person, too, and you do your best to deny that you do while knowing that you do love them or have, at the least, deeper and, yeah, even lusty feelings for them and, yup, ya just might find out that someone is feeling pretty polyamorous about you which is both a good thing… and a seriously fucked up thing; not because it really is all that fucked up but it’s what we believe and more so when we get hit with many horror stories about what happens to people who are found to love someone and they love someone else; it’s a relationship killer and it is wholly unacceptable for you to be in love with someone and have the immoral audacity to have deep feelings of love, affection, and even lust for someone else.

But what if it didn’t have to be such a disastrous and damaging thing? What if that which we believe really isn’t the truth of how we can be? What’s the best thing to do? It won’t be easy but the best thing to do is accept that this is what and how you feel and enjoy being able to feel this way. You don’t have to do anything other than that but, yeah, I know how it goes and now you’re battling yourself because you want to be able to express your feelings in some way but you can’t… or, really, you don’t know how to be able to do it without destroying everything you already have and that includes even letting it be known that you love the person you’re with… but you really do love someone else and you know it’s very, very real.

It’s the thing that fucks up a lot of bisexuals because they become… innately polyamorous but those damned rules insist that not only can you not do anything about it, you’re not supposed to be feeling this way to begin with. Even in this, one of the lessons I learned was just because you can do a thing doesn’t mean that you always have to… but not allowing yourself to feel whatever you’re feeling? Who has the right to have such control over your feelings and then why are we so willing to let someone else control our feelings and telling us who we can love or care for (or lust after) and who we can’t? The fact of the matter is that regardless of sexuality, a lot of people aren’t buying into this anymore and they are changing the rules because they understand that their relationship – and even their life – is only going to be as good as they want it to be and are willing to make it… even if that means openly loving and sharing more than one person in their lives.

 

Life, Living and Loving: Poly Sexuality (and a TBT)

When it comes to being poly and putting a group together, I’ve often wondered if the issue of sexuality really gets thought about or if the participants ever give any thought to what could happen in such a close and sexually active group. Does anyone really discuss this other than to, perhaps, insist on what’s not supposed to happen?

And do they really think that it won’t?

DDJennifer, in her comments to yesterday’s scribble, wondered why guys are so funny about having some fun with another guy in the group. It is, strangely, “generally accepted” that any women in the group will, at some point or eventually, get into having sexy fun with each other but, yeah – guys are pretty weird about themselves becoming the object of one of the other guys’ lust.

The reason is… some guys are just seriously funny about it and some are so funny about it that incidental or accidental contact with another guy is way out of line and can never happen. A lot of guys remain of a mind that, oh, leaning over and having a taste of “Paul’s” cock – and while Paul’s busy eating out a female poly partner – is too gay, unmanly or, believe it or not, sometimes afraid that if they do, they’re gonna like it. Even if some guys are of a mind to check out the other guy’s dick, there’s always that fear that the other guy is gonna object and the shit is going to hit the fan…

Which makes me wonder if any of this is ever and really discussed during the formation of a poly group. It’s one thing to put it on the agenda and as a “what if” kind of item; theoretically, it’s possible but often set aside because it’s deemed to be “impossible” and outside the realm of possibility or, yeah, sometimes, the guys better not even get the thought into their head at all. That a whole lot of guys in this setting go out of their way to avoid any contact with any other guys in the group isn’t all that unusual – remember, some guys are just very funny about that. I do think, however, that what gets overlooked is not only the power that sex has but it’s ability to bond.

Being in any group sex situation can be… interesting. Not so much in whatever’s happening but in what the participants are going out of their way to make sure doesn’t happen. The… fear of any same-sex interaction is very real and I’d suppose that, in a one-off kind of way, avoidance is easy because it’s not like whoever you’re having group sex with lives with you or is a regular participant when it’s time to do the nasty. Let’s see… how many times have I been in a group setting and heard a guy – or guys – emphatically state that there will be no funny stuff between us guys… and then there’s a guy playing with my dick?

And then the guy doing it is telling me he doesn’t know why he did that. Well, I know why… but, then again, I don’t underestimate the power of sex and its ability to unlock some shit inside of us that, perhaps, we’d rather not have unlocked or exposed. I’ve been in settings where the ladies have tossed the “no funny stuff” card onto the table and when things get hot and heavy, well, check them out – so much for no funny stuff, huh? People just tend to discount those “heat of the moment” moments; they can’t happen and aren’t allowed to happen and they’d better not happen if you know what’s good for you.

And in poly settings, well, it’s probably one of those things that probably should be discussed with more seriousness than is problem done. You’re a poly group and connected all across the board – and that includes sexually. One on one sex, eh, that’s easy but when there are times when “the gang gets together” there is always the possibility and even potential for the funny stuff you’d rather not happen to be thought of… or actually happening and, I dunno, maybe it’s just me, but I’d think that having a meaningful discussion and accepting that things can and do happen in the heat of the moment – or, yeah – the bond that’s being shared pretty much demands that no one should be excluded. So if “Gene” and our boy, “Paul” are two guys in a poly group and something were to happen between them – incidental contact or a dick gets fondled or even sucked, well, it can happen and more so when people do change their minds about such things and often depending on how deep the poly bonding goes between everyone involved.

Being poly invokes a deep sense of sharing that many find bothersome… and that sharing can – and sometimes does – reach the sexual level of things and, really – if some funny stuff happens, it’s not going to be spoken about outside of the poly group anyway or, what happens in the bedroom stays in the bedroom. Granted, finding yourself suddenly or unexpectedly in a same sex situation when it’s supposed to be an opposite sex only deal is… shocking and that grossly understates things and, as such, it’s gonna take so doing to get one’s head around it… but maybe not so much if the possibility was not only discussed but taken seriously because, again, people do really change their minds about stuff and sometimes right in the middle of sex happening.

If you’re gonna share, then should be really be limits placed on who gets to share whom? I learned not to be surprised by any of this. You don’t ever expect it to happen – well, unless it’s already been agreed that it should – but you should never discount or dismiss the possibility and it’s my thought that if you do dismiss or discount it, you might not be all that aware of that power to bond than you think you are – no offense. Now, some guys do say that if it happens, well, it happens and many may not be of a mind to really object or pitch a royal bitch about it because it can and will foster disharmony across the whole poly group. And, yeah – a lot of guys are more concerned about their own sensibilities in this and it’s not that they don’t have a right be concerned about them but what are you willing to do to contribute to the sexual happiness of one and all?

Among the fellas? Eh, not a whole lot. In any kind of group setting, I’ve known guys to be paying more attention to where the other guy is and what he’s doing than he is paying attention to what he should be paying attention to: Having sex. I’ve seen guys jump like they’ve been shot or something when I’ve gotten “too close” to them or our legs touch or some other kind of unintentional and incidental contact… and it has either made me shake my head or laugh to myself to see how… skittish the other guy is and it had made me shake my head to hear him say, all after the fact, that he reacted the way he did because he thought I was gonna do something to him.

Being bisexual, I’d never say that it didn’t cross my mind or that it never crosses my mind… but boundaries should be respected but I know, even if no one else does or believes it, that boundaries can be adjusted on the fly because there’s a need to, whether it’s being all caught up in the moment or there’s a bond in the process of being formed. Still, some guys are just funny about it. It’s unmanly. It’s gay as fuck. Don’t even look at me while we’re having sex with our female partners/participants and, yeah, sure, it’s a whole different thing if the ladies get involved with each other, “accidentally” or on purpose. Women just seem to handle this way better than guys do even if they didn’t expect anything to happen or they believe that any sex that happens between the girls is “too lesbian” for their sensibilities. Oh, they’re gonna talk about it later and they just might agree that, all things considered, it wasn’t all that bad.

A lot of guys, well, we don’t tend to think like that and, again, I know of guys who are very well aware of the possibility of some interaction with the other guy/guys and it scares the shit out of them. For some guys, it’s not like that they don’t feel the… bonding pull; I know a lot of guys who’ve said – and with some embarrassment – that they felt that if they just reached over and wrapped a hand around the other guy’s cock, well, that works. They didn’t do it but that’s not really the point in any of this.

Being poly is, of course, more than just the sex that’s possible; it is really sharing every aspect of your lives with others who choose to be with you in this – and now it’s just a matter of how deep that sharing goes. Rules are put into place to inhibit or prevent behaviors and are usually locked down tighter than white on rice and it works… and sometimes doesn’t so much because the thing that can’t be controlled is what someone might be thinking and/or feeling about the “no funny stuff” rule so many poly couples put into place – and where the fellas are concerned more than the ladies – women, again, are just so much better about this.

Maybe such interactions never happen – they don’t always do… but everyone involved in the group should, at the very least, I think, be aware of the possibility and potential and never, ever dismiss or discount the fact that people really do change their minds and for some folks, changing their mind can happen at the speed of thought and, yeah, I know a lot of people who have surprised the shit out of themselves to find themselves doing something they weren’t ever of a mind to do. I’ve heard them say that it just felt like the right thing to do in that moment or, if they did nothing – and to not start a riot – it still felt like the right thing to do. Again, I’ve heard both men and women say, “I don’t know what made me do that!” But I know why they did because, unlike most people, I know and believe that shit does happen and not always when it’s not supposed to. I know that people in the right place, in the right setting, and at the right moment can get unlocked being in that moment and that’s some very scary shit and more so when you really don’t expect to get that unlocked.

Which is what makes any kind of group sex pretty fucking scary for a lot of people and men more likely than women. It’s sex. It doesn’t mean that your gay or even bi but people have a hard time seeing sex for what it really is and the way it can be. If “Paul” unexpectedly leaned over and grabbed my dick, okay, it might surprise me since he made it clear that he wasn’t about any funny stuff… but I’m not surprised that it happened. Am shocked to find a mouth on my dick that “isn’t supposed” to be there? Nope, not one bit. Get a finger in my butt that isn’t attached to a woman? Not even gonna be surprised and not just because I happen to be bisexual (which helps): It’s because I don’t ever underestimate the power of sex.

Anyone considering being poly and in a group shouldn’t either. Have serious discussions about it and, if nothing else, acknowledge that the potential is there and it can cross someone’s mind even if they don’t plan on doing anything. Respect boundaries, of course, but if possible, don’t make them too… fragile, for lack of a better word. Even in this, no means no but people, again, do change their minds and it doesn’t always take a long time for such a change to show up. The only way something like this is going to fuck shit up is if you allow it to and the bad part is, Jennifer, a lot of guys are more than willing to let shit get fucked up than they are willing to just go with the flow of things. And no: I don’t think it’s “fair” that it’s okay for the girls in the group to play with each other but it’s not okay for guys to play with each other – and even if the only time they interact with each other is when everyone piles onto the bed and goes for what they know.

Hey… I won’t tell if you won’t. What happens in our poly family stays in our poly family.

 

Life, Living and Loving: When Two Becomes Three (or more)

342. Kayla Interview – Part I

343. Kayla Interview Part II – Kayla Ours, the new addition

344. Kayla Interview Part III

If you’re at all interested in what it’s like to be married and having a new person join the relationship, take some time and read these three posts. While the content is about domestic discipline, the posts are rich with a sense of what it takes to break some rules and doing some sundering – on purpose – and for the benefit of one and all.

I know for myself, it was the adventure of a lifetime, both one of the most rewarding things I’ve ever done and one of the most insane things. Some might think that these… arrangements are just about sex but there’s much more to it than that although, yeah – the sex is probably unlike anything you could experience since it’s a lot more than just the much-dreaded threesome.

You go along, just the two of you… and somehow, some way, and for some reason, two becomes three (and not counting any existing children). It’s an option that’s becoming more of a thing these days and, in my opinion, it’s the ultimate relationship and one that will put everything you thought you knew about love, sex, and relationships to one hell of a test. Man, talk about life-changing? Talk about how much you’re gonna find out about yourself, the person you’re married to, and then whomever was chosen to join you?

I’ve sometimes thought that if I knew then what I know now, I probably wouldn’t have done this – easy to say, right? At the same time, I do know and the question I’ve asked myself has been, “If you could, would you do it again?” The “bad” part is, yeah – I would… because there’s nothing else like it, nothing you can compare it to. It takes being in an open relationship and seriously expands it; many find that being in an open relationship is difficult enough and, comparatively speaking, being in an open relationship is easy.

This isn’t. Jennifer and her clan figured it out; they’ve made it work and is, in my opinion, the perfect example of how to do it and she’s been gracious enough to share her experiences in this and how she deals with things and how her extended family works. I think you’d have to hit her archive to get the full flavor of her journey in this, to see the high and low points, a few personal struggles, but with the commitment to not only go this route, but to do her part to make it work.

For me, her domestic discipline thing is icing on the proverbial cake; you don’t have to have a “kink” to be able to do this but the gist of it all is that you sure as hell have to be willing and able to step way out of the box and be so unconventional in this kind of relationship… while making it look and feel like it’s been like this since “the original” couple got married and instead of two “standing at the altar,” there were three – and all committed not only to each other but to the scope and vision of the expanded relationship.

I know that, as more people found out about what we were doing, they said that I was either the luckiest motherfucker who ever lived… or the most insane one. One guy told me, “Having one wife is bad enough… and now you have two? What the fuck were you thinking about?” Well, I had three but that’s not really the point. There is so much stuff you have to deal with, so much stuff you have to learn – like I said, everything you thought you knew about being in a relationship gets rewritten to the point where you’re pretty much always in unknown territory.

While one can search the Internet and find all kinds of information on how to form such a family, at best, it’ll be more of a guideline, more like suggestions, because how the dynamic works depends on the people involved, why they’ve come together like this, and being able to work out how this is gonna work… and with the sure and certain understanding that there are going to be sinkholes – not bumps – in the road to be traveled.

You not only have to deal with the internal stuff – but if you think you’re gonna do this and other people aren’t going to notice or figure it out – and then start asking questions, I’d say you’re sadly mistaken. One of the hardest things I had to do in this was explaining it, sometimes in detail, sometimes being rather vague about things like someone asking, “Hey… are the three of you in a relationship?” and me responding with, “Yeah, we are…” – and leaving it at that.

“How the hell did that happen?” My answer? “You really don’t wanna know and you’re probably not gonna believe me.” I caught a lot of flak from women who’d roast me for being such an arrogant asshole to have a harem and it would piss me off big time and more so when I would try to explain the dynamic… and now I’m not only an asshole but I’m a liar on top of it. I got so “used” to be some kind of bad guy that whenever some woman figured it out and wanted to read me the riot act, I’d just ignore her because I saw no point in trying to explain something that they’d refuse to believe, oh, like the fact that doing this wasn’t my idea to begin with.

I just agreed to it. Then I had to figure out how to make it work and I’ll ask you to once again believe me when I tell you that it might sound “easy” but it’s anything but. I remember too many nights when I laid in bed between the two of them, watching them sleeping… and wondering just what the fuck did I get myself into and trying to peek into the future to see what tomorrow was gonna be like; to borrow a phrase I read in a book, the only easy day was yesterday.

When I’ve written about this in the past, I’ve pointed to some skills that are very necessary: Time management along with problem and conflict resolution. You have to be a negotiator, a referee, an arbitrator and if you know something about psychology, that’ll help. Dealing with different personalities, well, it’s a bitch and a half and dealing with the emotional aspects, and, oh, my god; it didn’t take me long to figure out why someone would think I had lost my mind in being a part of this… because I questioned my own sanity quite a bit. Along the way, I learned some very important shit and in terms of what not to do; I’ve said it before and I’ll keep on saying it.

If you’re not grown up enough, don’t even think about doing this. If you are unable to get rid of emotions like envy, jealousy, selfishness and possessiveness, well, bluntly, you’re fucked – and not in a good way. And if you have no idea how to deal with these things in others, well, what do you think? Doubly fucked would be a good way to put it… and that doesn’t even come close to what it’s really like.

The sex? Not as easy as it sounds. It’s hard enough “keeping track” of what one woman likes, doesn’t like, whatever… but for two of them? Ha… I know some of the guys who knew would tell me how lucky I was and I’d say, “Well, yeah… if you say so.” This ain’t like an one-off kind of threesome thing; this is an everyday part of your responsibilities in the relationship and while some might say that it’s not all about the sex or it’s “not really that important,” well, guess again. It is important and if you really want to have your limits put to the test? This will do it… and it is humbling. And let’s not talk about sexuality issues… unless you’ve got something for the headache you’re gonna get handy…

And that’s being nice about it. Oh, yeah – you also have to be to “see the future” or, perhaps more accurately, you have to see the problems before they show up. It’s not enough to know that some shit is gonna get and be fucked up – you have to figure out what’s gonna get fucked up, when it’s gonna happen, why it’s gonna happen… then “see” what’s gonna have to be done to fix it… and if it can be fixed. Then you have to be as proactive as you can be to head off any issues you feel, think, and/or believe is going to show up… then convince those who are with you that whatever you’ve “seen” coming down the road is gonna happen.

Now, don’t get me wrong. This is an experience to top and end any experience you’ve ever had; like I said, there is nothing else like it. It is rewarding beyond belief but is also like walking a minefield in the dark… and blindfolded. When things go right, sheer heaven… and when they go wrong – and things will go wrongly… yeah: What were you thinking about when the two of you decided this would be a good thing to do?

What makes this even more difficult is the fact that we barely learn how to have a relationship with one person; while there are, again, loads of guidelines and suggestions on how to make your relationship simply stellar, that’s all they really are – guidelines. Suggestions. Lots of pie-in-the-sky shit and every relationship is more like on the job training than really knowing how to do this… and keeping in mind that the person you’re with has their own ideas about how this is supposed to and gonna work.

Then add someone else to the mix. Then, for shits and giggles, add someone else. Then try to take everything and everyone and mold it all into one “seamless” thing. Is your head hurting? It should be. And it will. It’s the reason why I say that you not only have to be really grown up, you have to take everything you think you know about relationships and throw it all away so you can learn a very different way to be in one.

And if you can’t to this and can’t manage to get and keep everyone involved on the same page, well…

Jennifer and her clan figured it out. In fact, a lot of people do. It is, without a doubt, the hardest thing one can ever do as well as the craziest, most insane thing you will ever do in your life…

And it’s worth it. It really is even when you will have moments where you’ll be wishing you never decided and/or agreed to do this. But if you can make it work, it just doesn’t get any better than this.

If you want to get more of a real-deal perspective of this, go read Jennifer’s blog. Most people who try this don’t last very long; our relationship lasted a couple of decades and Jennifer celebrated five years of being in this kind of relationship so as far as I’m concerns, she’s a heroine of the highest order and so are the members of her clan – and especially her husband.

Do ya really think it’s heavenly to be the only guy and “surrounded” by women? It is… and not so much. Are you of a mind that this is totally and completely insane? It is… and probably more than you can imagine. Don’t think you could do this? You probably can’t and more so if you believe in the way relationships are supposed to be… and this sure as shit ain’t the way things are supposed to be… but in many way, it also is. It’s polyamory… but much deeper; it’s not “just sex” but way much more than just that. Monogamy? Forget that shit – not gonna work.

I’ve seen stuff written about this that talks about the core relationship and how important it is to preserve it and there’s some good sense in this… and it’s also a good way to fuck shit up because it tend to evoke an “us and them” kind of thing when, in reality, there should only be “us” and regardless to how many people are involved. I’ve seen where single folks are going about this and, um, it’s not all that easy when there’s no real core relationship to build upon… and even harder when there is a core relationship to build upon. And harder still when you and your “partners in crime” live under the same roof.

Glorious. Beyond anything you could dream of… and it can be your worst nightmare made real if you’re not willing to see it all through for as long as it can go. You have to be committed… which also means you probably should be committed because this shit is beyond crazy.

But if you can do it – and do it as right as everyone can make it – there’s just nothing else like it and nothing else will ever compare to it. A long time ago, our family of five became a family of nine with five kids, three wives, and me. Holy shit. I would think that if someone had told me I’d find myself up to my pretty brown eyes in this, I would have laughed so hard and told them they were out of their fucking minds.

I’m not laughing and maybe, just maybe, I was the one who was a few fries short of a happy meal. Absolutely the most wonderfully insane thing I’ve ever done and been a part of.

Thanks go to Jennifer for the inspiration to write this. You rock, Jen!

 

Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: Are Bisexuals Polyamorous?

The answer to this question could, on the surface, seem easy to answer when you consider that they’re bisexual because of their feelings toward men and women.  But if you were to go looking for the definition of polyamory, you’d probably find that what the word means and how others interpret or go about being polyamorous are different… and that’s because we all don’t look at what love means in the exact same way nor can we all agree that to be polyamorous, love has to be involved, not as we understand the emotion of love anyway.

I would say that the answer to this question is that we could be polyamorous – the potential is there – but, no, we’re not polyamorous by some default; indeed, since we’ve been taught and conditioned to only love one person at a time, I’m thinking that a lot of bisexuals would have a problem feeling anything other than lust for many people.  Having said that, there are bisexuals who discover that they are quite capable of loving – or otherwise have deep feelings – for more than one person, debunking the lie that you can and should only love one person and more so if you’re in a relationship and being physically and emotionally monogamous is in effect.

Should bisexuals be polyamorous?  Well, no… not if they can’t grasp the concept of being able to openly love more than one person.  A lot of people think about polyamory being about sex and having enough lovers to start their own NFL team and I’m not gonna blow smoke up your ass and tell you that sex isn’t ever involved… because it can be but the dynamic is complicated.  Some folks think that polyamory is about having multiple relationships at the same time and, again, no smoke up your ass on this because it can be like this as well and, yes, it’s so complex that it makes being monogamous look easy by comparison.

For the purposes of this discussion, however, I’m just talking about the root of it all – having feelings for someone (or a lot of someones) that aren’t just lust but are more than just friendship.  Way back when I discovered that I was polyamorous, I was dumbstruck because even though I was already madly and deeply in love with someone, I was in love with someone else.  One of the things I began to see was the number of times I felt love – or some level of affection – for someone other than the person I was already in love with and I saw that, holy shit, there were a lot of these moments; I also saw that because I was already in love, I was doing my level best to banish these other feelings, going out of my way to deny that what I felt for someone else was what I was really feeling.  Now, it wasn’t about doing anything about how I felt (that would come later in life) but I was kicked in the gut to realize that everything I was taught about having feelings for someone were… inaccurate, to be polite and a carefully craft lie if I care to be impolite about it.

It was yet another lesson learned about thinking/feeling and doing not being the same things.  I saw the control being exerted, no only on myself but on everyone to suppress the ability to love a lot of people; I saw some hypocrisy in this, i.e., when you’re growing up, you’re expected, required, and maybe even demanded to love a lot of people – mostly family members but at the point where you’re ready to start dating, you’re now told to never try to love more than one person and don’t even think about being romantically (or sexually) involved with more than one person at a time – and then you’re convinced that if you did, well, it’s going to be your worst nightmare.  I saw the truth in this and that it’s true because we’re programmed and conditioned to not do this… so we never learn how to deal with our emotions when we discover that, okay, I love my girlfriend… but I love this other person, too, and it’s not just infatuation.

Holy shit.  It’s my thought that bisexuals have the ability to cross this “forbidden” boundary because they are capable of having feelings of some kind for more than one person at a time and even if lust is the key that can unlock the door that we’re made to stay behind and we’re locked behind this door to that the tenets of monogamy can be upheld.  Well, that and if I’m a guy (and I am) and I have much lust for women, I’m not supposed to feel lust for men; I’m just only supposed to feel friendship for the fellas.

But we know that this is a lie as well, don’t we?  To continue, if a bisexual were to discover that they are polyamorous, do they have to do something about their feelings?  NO!  Ah, but there is a great urge to do something about what they’re feeling, from telling the object (or objects) of their affections how they feel about them to, yeah, getting naked with them and showing them with their bodies how they feel… and it is a very powerful urge and, oh, hell, yeah, if you’re already in love with someone and in a relationship with them, well, aren’t you now between a very big rock as well as a very hard place?  It can be a royal motherfucking bitch just dealing with the fact that you’re bisexual… but to learn that you’re in love with more than one person – and the rules say you’re only supposed to love the one you’re with?  It’s no wonder that this realization can fuck a lot of minds up; we’re not supposed to be able to feel multiple instances of love… but, yep, that’s how you feel and I’ve seen where it can fuck with your head so much that you start to believe that there’s a difference in saying to someone, “I love you!” and “I’m in love with you.”

I’ve had a few interesting arguments with folks about this one and I tend to find them kinda humorous because if you care to check if out, you’d see that there’s no difference; if there is a difference, it’s mostly about what you would or wouldn’t do based on your feelings; the one constant here is the word “love” and all it implies… then again, most people believe that thinking/feeling and doing are the same things so if there’s something you wouldn’t do with or for someone you love, well, that makes it different… and it really doesn’t, not where the emotion itself is concerned.  I’m guessing that there are those of you who are reading this who will also disagree with this assessment but think about the emotion and not any of the possible actions the emotion can evoke and invoke and maybe you’ll better understand what I’m talking about here.  See, I came to realize that I still love everyone I’ve ever been in love with and the only thing that has changed is that I’m no longer actively involved with them.

And, yes, my being bisexual was key to my understanding this very complex and confusing thing.  I also have to add at this point that people who aren’t bisexual have also come to understand this so, no, sexuality isn’t always the catalyst; they just were able to see through the lie we’ve all been told about having feelings for more than one person.  In this, it’s not about embracing the actions that are possible – it’s about embracing the truth of how you feel and being able to do it without feeling the guilt that we’re also taught to feel.  I’ve heard so many people say that they love their partner but they also love someone else… and they feel badly about it  I can sympathize with them because I felt the same way… until I started at looking at why I was feeling bad about it… then saw that I didn’t have a reason to feel guilty about the way I felt about other people.  If I love you, I love you; the difference, of course, is what I might do about the way I feel and, yep, sometimes, the best thing to do is nothing… even though we feel compelled to do something because aren’t we also taught that there are certain things we’re supposed to do when we love someone?

With one person, well, that’s easy and clearly cut; with loving more than one person?  Holy shit, right?  The lesson I learned and the one I try to share with others is that if there’s something you have to do, it’s just to accept that this is how you feel.  If you can act on your feelings, all well and good but if you can’t, well, that’ll make ya feel some kind of way but you don’t have to do anything if you can’t.

There are polyamorous bisexuals – but polyamory isn’t “owned” by bisexuals – it’s just that our sexuality can open our eyes about our feelings even if the feelings we have for someone else is just lust.  Still, it is damned difficult to break the conditioning we’ve received about having deep feelings for more than one person at a time, let alone being “involved” with more than one person at a time in some way – read this as sexually, emotionally, or even romantically.  In this, I am always reminded of something a woman I love so very much told me one day:  There’s nothing you can do about the way you feel; you can only do something about how you might act on those feelings… and sometimes the best thing to do is to just accept that this is how you feel.

If you’re capable of this, does it mean that you’re being unfair to your partner in some way?  Most people would say yes… but that’s because they believe that your love should only be directed wholly at one person.  I know I can look into my heart and see the people who I love and I know that it’s all very real… which doesn’t have anything to do with my love for Linda and I do love her so very much.  I’m not engaging in emotional infidelity; I accept that there’s nothing I can do about the way I feel and I don’t know about anyone else, but I take a dim view of someone – or something – that seeks to control my feelings.  But just because I feel the way I do doesn’t mean I have to do something about it, well, actually, there are two things I can do:  Accept that I feel this way and to do nothing about those feelings except, of course, when it comes to Linda – then all bets are off because you can bet your asses that I’m gonna do something about living Linda.

And I can’t honestly say that my bisexuality is the sole reason why I feel the way I do – but, as I said, being bisexual opened my eyes to things that are way outside the box a lot of us are made to stay in.  For all I know, I could have reached this same place without being bisexual because, yeah, it’s an emotional thing but it’s also an intellectual thing as well.  Anyone who is polyamorous has asked themselves if, logically, it made any sense to deny that they love, say, a partner – but they also love other people to some degree; they’ve questioned whether that which we were taught is the whole truth and they’ve found that, no, what we’ve been taught about this does make sense… from a certain point of view but, no, it’s not the whole truth:  We can love more than one person at a time and we can do things because we feel the way we do… if it’s doable to begin with because I’ll keep saying this until y’all get sick of me saying it:  Thinking/feeling and doing are not the same things.

As always, you don’t have to agree with me or believe any of what I’ve written.  All I can do is tell you what I’ve learned in this and to point out that, no, I’m not even the only who has learned this; if it’s impossible for me to be the only Black, male bisexual in the world, it’s also impossible that I’m the only polyamorous person in the world.  You can, if you choose to, use the comment section to give your stance on what love means and all that – and your comments are welcome even if you wanna fuss with me about this.  I’m not saying that anyone – and regardless to sexuality – should or has to be polyamorous… but I do know that people can be and that’s not conjecture – that’s a fact and all you have to do is go ready the blogs of other polyamorous folks here on WordPress, like Seattle Poly Chick, or Rougedmount, or Ann St.Vincent just to name a few.  Don’t pay a whole lot of attention about what these women are doing – pay attention to their feelings about the people they’re involved with.  It’s not about right and wrong so much as it is that they are polyamorous – they have the capacity to love (or feel affection) for more than one person at a time.

 

Improvise, Adapt, and Overcome

I haven’t written much about this lately and after reading a blog written by a guy about being able to deal with things like trust, fear of loss, and jealousy in (I presume) their budding poly relationship, I got to wondering about a few things connected with this.

For a lot of people, having an open relationship is anathema to them; the thought of having to share their partner with someone else is enough to trigger projectile vomiting and can make one’s bowels quite watery.  I cannot begin to give voice to all of the horrible thoughts going on in someone’s head when faced with this drastic change in the relationship dynamic and I’d have to say that, usually, if someone put this on the table for discussion, a shit storm of biblical proportions is going to take place.  Things like a lack of trust, that fear of loss, jealousy, insecurity, and a few intangible emotions come to the front and I can tell you that none of these things feel good, not when you were raised to believe that monogamy is the best and most right thing.

A lot of people totally and utter fail to open their relationship because they have no idea of what has to be done in order to make it work; it requires some very serious changes, not only in the relationship’s dynamics but at the person level and once you firmly (and even rabidly) believe in monogamy, making these changes can seem to be impossible… and it’s not impossible… it’s just very damned difficult for most people to do.

Here’s the rub:  If you love them – and I mean you really love them and, going into the relationship, you know in your heart that you (a) love them unconditionally (most people can’t do this, by the way – there’s always a “but” somewhere) and (b) you know that short of doing something highly illegal – like committing murder – you’d do anything for them, when hit with the open relationship/swinger/polyamory things, you have some choices:  Do nothing and let whatever is driving this change continue to poison the relationship; divorce or otherwise leave them because your personal values are more important than the joined goals of living long and prospering with each other come hell or high water; or you can improvise, adapt, and overcome the difficulties in this because your love for each other demands that doing nothing or dissolving the relationship is not in the best interest of things for either one of you.

As I’ve written about in the past, I had to get through this change in the relationship dynamic and it wasn’t even close to being easy to do.  I learned that instead of approaching this from a purely emotional standpoint – and that’s the “normal” reaction, I had to approach this in a way that would bring every bit of intelligence and logic I possessed to bear.  Once I got over the initial emotional tidal wave, I asked myself a question:  “If you love her (and there was no question whether I did or not), what are you willing to do to keep her and to keep the relationship alive and as well as possible?”  The emotional side said, “Not one damned thing!” and went on a rant about being betrayed and all that… but the intelligent side said, “Well, now, there is a way this could work and here’s what I’m thinking about…”

Was this a trust issue?  Nah, not really because I’d routinely trust her with my life and not give much thought about it.  Was this about fear of loss?  Oh, hell, yeah it was!  Emotionally, my gods, that’s a bitch (putting it mildly) to have hammering at your but, logically, I realized that I was getting upset about something that is an occupational hazard of being in a relationship with someone:  There is no guarantee (and despite marriage vows) that you cannot lose them to someone else and, really, nothing is forever – everything ends at some point.  For me, it became an issue of whether or not I wanted to continue to be bothered by this fear when, in the face of cold, hard, unemotional, logic, there’s not a whole lot I can do about loss other than do whatever I could to prevent a premature loss or, if I did lose her to someone else, it wasn’t going to be because I did (or didn’t do) something to precipitate it.  And, my mother was quite right when she once told me, “There is always someone out there better than you…” and, yep, emotionally that is so fucked up to get a grip on but, logically, it makes sense so if you think that just because you vowed to keep only unto ourselves and this will prevent this loss, you’re just sadly mistaken and pretty damned arrogant to believe that you will always be everything they’re ever going to need in life.

But because we do tend to think like this, we’re ill-prepared to deal with things; there’s the way things in this are supposed to be… and then there’s life’s harsh reality that’ll let you know that you are really clueless if you really believe that something can’t change or shouldn’t.

Was my reaction a jealous one?  I’ll eat a little crow at this point and say it probably was even though, in my mind, it didn’t “feel” that way.  Was I pissed because she wanted more than I alone could give her?  Damned right I was!  Was I scared and worried about what would happen if I didn’t “cave in” to her demands?  Oh, you just have no idea and even I can’t begin to put into words what was going on inside me.  I asked myself, “What’s going on with you about this?” and, nope, it wasn’t an easy question to answer but I had to question whether I was more insecure than I believed myself to be – emotionally, the answer was, “No fucking way!” but, intelligently, the answer was, “Yeah, you are…” and then figure out how to banish jealousy or anything that resembled it because as long as I was feeling these things, all the other fears would just feed off of it.

I can “simplify” this:  Emotionally, does changing the dynamic make sense?  Nope, it doesn’t.  Does it make sense logically?  Yes, the logic isn’t all that hard to figure out:  If you don’t, you’re gonna lose them because you’re either going to leave them or they’re gonna leave you and if you forbid this, fuck, they’re just gonna do it anyway.  If you do, yeah, you could still lose them – remember, there’s always someone better than you and nothing is forever – but, ah, is there a way to do this and (a) keep them by your side (b) make the bond you share stronger while (c) not letting everything go down the drain?  Yeah, there is but even when the logic is sound – and in order for it to be sound, it cannot be tainted with emotional input – there’s still one very important thing that must be done:

Communicate.  And I mean communicate like you’ve never done it before and you’d better be ready to talk about shit that (a) couples somehow never really talk about in-depth and (b) that just pain cause you some emotional pain along the way.  And this is just in the beginning – should things get off the ground, communication becomes even more important and any failure in this is, bluntly, just gonna fuck all your shit up.  I know some folks get into the open/poly thing and invoke “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” and this is an act of self-preservation… and a mistake that shouldn’t be made.  Through our communication process, I saw that while this push to be open was “about her,” there was a way to make this about “us” – it was something we could experience together and I worked out the “growth factors” and some other really deep shit – but the thing here is that if we didn’t redefine the meaning of “open communication,” then I would have no information to work with; were I to invoke DADT, I was really disconnecting myself from everything and then only to preserve my own sensibilities.

Emotionally, that makes sense… but intelligently/logically, it doesn’t – well, it didn’t to me because I’ll admit to being a bit of a control freak and the fear of not having any “control” over the whole thing scared me more than anything else did.  The real challenges for both of us were (a) are we smart enough to make this work and (b) are we – can we – be grown up enough to not only make it work but make it a thing about us instead of just a me thing.

You improvise, adapt, and overcome because if you don’t, you will make your lives miserable at the least or lose them at the worst.  There are many people who just cannot do this; their own mindset about love and monogamy can instantly put them in a defensive posture.  I’ve heard other who have been faced with this accuse the asking partner of being selfish – they’re only thinking about themselves – and being greedy – what, I’m not enough for you? – and one of the things that has to be taken into consideration – logically, not emotionally – is whether or not your rejection of this is, in fact, you being selfish and only thinking about yourself.  Of course, most of us wouldn’t think that we’re being selfish if we pitched a royal bitch about this but, yeah, step back from the emotional storm for a moment and then think about what you’re seeing.

This is not an easy thing to do and I strongly suggest to anyone thinking about doing this not to do it unless you seriously have your shit in order before you open your mouth to your partner about it.  But if you believe your shit is together and your love for your partner is strong and true and you can argue logically and your logic – your overall plan – is sound  and you are willing and able to talk about everything that has to be talked about, then together you will be able to improve, adapt, and overcome the hardships so that your relationship and life together will continue to grow and not become dangerously stagnant.

 

Revisiting Being Poly

The first thing I’ll say – again – about this is that being poly doesn’t sound like an easy thing to get into and it’s a lot of more difficult than one might believe and that, at least in my opinion, being poly makes being married to one person look like a very easy thing to do.  We are taught to only love one person at a time; not only does it enforce the rules of monogamy but, historically, it’s not very hard to find instances where loving more than one person has had disastrous results and all because this is something that’s not really taught to us past a certain point in our development.

Being poly isn’t just a thing to do; it’s also a way to be and it’s been my experience that doing it but not being able to think in this way can be problematic.  I’ve talked a bit about management and communication skills, things that are extremely important when you’re actively involved with more than one person but they are also things that apply to one’s self as well, i.e., dealing with the multitude of feelings being shared among however many people you’re involved with… and that’s not as easy as it seems either because we will, without thinking about it, allow our past experiences with relationships get in the way of doing something that is, for all intents and purposes, so far out of the box it isn’t funny.  It’s easy enough to be poly for the sex alone but there are times when we do something that, in a lot of ways, doesn’t make a lot of sense:  Act as if we couldn’t or shouldn’t fall in love with a poly partner and because, say, we’re already in love with someone.

In my mind, this is inevitable and despite whatever rules a couple may enact before stepping onto the poly playing field, rules they must put in place in order to preserve what I’ll call the “core relationship.”  You could think of this as having something to fall back on if the poly venture doesn’t go well or, if you’re more of a “the glass is half full” kind of people, see this as where you poly adventure begins.  In any way you look at it, it is important to realize and understand that going from being monogamous to not being monogamous isn’t really as simple as finding someone – or a bunch of someones – to be non-monogamous with.  You’re now engaged in a balancing act, doing things to preserve and maintain the core relationship while making it possible for one or both of you to get out there and develop poly relationships.  It’s my opinion that some folks who try to do this bring along their monogamous thinking and behaviors and, um, you might want to leave those behind since they’re more likely to get you into trouble more than help you because, simply, you just don’t “belong” to one person anymore; this poly thing isn’t just about you or you and your partner like it’s some one-on-one venture that’s more like having an open relationship.

No – everything you do in this will not only impact the core relationship but everyone else involved with you.  The problem isn’t the sex that can be had; the problem is those deeper emotions that can come to the front as you are more exposed to your poly paramours (or metamours, if the shoe fits).  That you could fall in love with them – or them with you – should be seen as a high probability and not so much of a given or, to be simpler, love can happen and if you think it won’t or otherwise behave as if it’s not supposed to happen, um, guess again and, personally, I think denying the prospect of love invading the scene truly defeats the purpose of being poly – but that’s me.  You may not go looking for love but it will eventually find you and now you have to deal with all the issues that come along with being in love and more so if love has ever shredded you in the past or has otherwise made you afraid to love and, in this case, accept love from someone other than the person you’re having the core relationship with.

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When you can have your cake and eat it, it calls for a change in behavior, in the way you think and in what you believed in.  I’ve run this next thing into the ground over the three years I’ve been blogging but when it comes to be poly, you have to unlearn everything you’ve ever learned about love, sex, and relationships so that you can learn a new way to do it.  You cannot bring your fears and other baggage along with you; you have to understand that while you might already belong to someone, in order to do this, you will belong to others, too, and while gaining those necessary management and communications skills is so very important, you have to learn how to manage yourself and not impose so many limitations that will make sharing yourself with others a hard thing to do.  I’ve said many times that I know people who have tried to do this and they’ve not only failed but they’ve crashed and burned because monogamy just doesn’t work in this situation so approaching being poly and doing so with monogamy’s rules on your mind just might bring you more pain than happiness.  Yes, if you have a core relationship, you want to preserve that because it does provide the stability and structure we seem to need in our lives but other than that, leave monogamy behind and if you can, never look back at it.

Being poly is such a complex dynamic but a lot of what will affect the complexity depends on why you’ve decided to be poly but if you’re not going to give yourself to the relationship just as you would a “normal” relationship, then what’s the point?  If you’re afraid to love, then why get into something that’s fertile ground for love to be seeded, take root, and grow?  If you don’t want to lose what you already have – and this is already rife with opportunities for loss all by itself – why open yourself up for more of the same?  Some folks tickle the shit out of me (no, not really) when they try to pick and choose the parts of being poly that they want to accept while trying to diss some of the more, ah, uncomfortable things about this type of relationship and I’ve learned that this is a mistake that will, at some point, come back to take a huge bite out of your ass.  You still have to deal with things like love, rejection, jealousy, envy and a whole shitload of negative emotions just like you would if you were still monogamous… only this gets multiplied by the number of people involved; if you are not prepared to deal with these things or willing to accept that these things will want to come pay you and yours a visit, then I’ve suggested that you don’t even bother trying to do this and more so if you don’t have what it takes to deal with these demons that are the bane of any relationship.

It’s a pain in the ass; it’s stressful having to deal with so many different people, their personalities, likes, dislikes and, yes, their fears and resistance to a few things.  But it’s an occupational hazard and, really, not all that different from the good and bad things you’d have to face in a monogamous relationship and, oh, yeah, you still have to deal with yourself on top of it all.  I know that in my own experience in this, dealing with the other people was a motherfucker but the hardest thing was having to deal with myself because, of course, if I couldn’t get my head around all of this wild and crazy shit, how was I going to be able to interact with the others joined together with me in this?  I still say today that doing the poly thing is the most incredibly stressful thing I’ve ever done in my life… but because of the “rewards” I’d do it all over again because, the sex aside, there’s no such thing as loving too much or being loved too much and if you think this isn’t true, well, maybe poly isn’t for you; maybe just a plain, ordinary open relationship would best suit your needs or maybe joining the ranks of the swinging community and, yeah, just remaining monogamous in your dealings with others.

Not desired.  Not “wanted” in whatever way you want that word to mean; not lusting or being lusted for.  Loved and loving and in what I’ve called the ultimate relationship and the greatest test anyone who dares to love and be loved will ever face.  In this the question isn’t so much about one’s ability to manage multiple relationships – it’s whether or not they can manage themselves in this.  Are you ready, willing, and able to do whatever’s necessary and for the sake of love alone?

 

Just Don’t Want to be Lonely

Enigma wrote a blog – http://peaceinwords.wordpress.com/2014/05/01/oh-side-chicks/ that referenced this blog – http://lakeshawomack.com/2014/04/29/is-there-a-future-in-being-a-side-chick/ and, of course, I commented on it but felt that taking over Enigma’s blog with a seriously too long comment was just being rude – so I decided to monopolize my own blog on the subject and a subject that I think is good as much as it is controversial… and y’all know I kinda like controversy.

So the title of this blog was borrowed from a song by the same name, done by The Main Ingredient back in the day and if you’ve never heard the song, go find it and give it a listen; if you have heard it, then you have an idea why I think the song is relevant (or could be) on the topic of being a side chick.  To begin, I want any woman reading this to know and understand that I am very much aware of what a lot of you think, believe, and feel where relationships are concerned and that being monogamous is the only way to be… and I’m here to tell you that this isn’t actually the truth – it’s just the way someone a long time ago figured out would be the best way to keep the human race going; then someone came along and put a shitload of restrictions in place in order to control sexual behavior, not that it really worked, but y’all already know this.

The following quote, courtesy of http://www.blackandmarriedwithkids.com says, “By being the “side chick” I was putting myself front and center in the middle of someone else’s pain and setting myself up to play a starring role in my own.” and my first reaction to this – because when you see the blog, it’s the first thing that catches your eye – was, “Oh, really?” because I’m well aware that it has been pounded into us that being monogamous is the only way to be and to do anything is, well, wrong and bad.  Indeed, we have this in mind because we’re taught that cheating is bad and that there have been plenty of examples where being the side chick – or even the side dude – has gone terribly wrong so, yeah, we have it in our heads that this is a bad thing to do and should never, ever, be done for any reason.

Women have big time issues with this and even here on WordPress, I’ve read blogs by women who can’t get and/or keep a man, feel as if they’re being used as a piece of ass and that getting involved with a married man erodes their integrity and threatens their self-respect.  I’ve read about them swearing off of dating and even giving up any hope of finding someone they can call their own because their belief in monogamy will not allow them to be someone’s side chick.  There’s a saying:  It’s better to have part of something than all of nothing and, like it or not, there is some truth in this depending on what you’re applying the saying to… and it includes relationships as well if one can get their head around it and since a lot of women can’t, they’d rather believe that it’s better to have all of nothing even as they ponder the fact that they are all alone, unwanted, and unloved.

I get that women, in particular, have great angst about sharing and being shared; I even think I know why and the answer is rooted in our sexual history – sperm is plentiful, but eggs aren’t and women are put into the position of protecting their eggs and not allowing just any man to have access to them – part of that whole natural selection thing that is still in effect today and probably always will be if we want to keep having babies.  But when it comes to love and happiness, monogamy isn’t always the perfect answer and even when we know this to be true, we continue to put our faith in a system of behavior that really doesn’t work the way we’re told it does – not everyone lives happily ever after being monogamous.

One could look at being the side chick as reaping all of the benefits but without any of the other responsibilities and the questions that pops into my head is, “Well, what if girlfriend can’t handle the responsibilities?  What if she doesn’t want to deal with that mess at all?  If she’s someone’s side piece – or has one of her own – is that necessarily a bad thing and more so if she’s happy?”  The truth is that there are a lot of women who are quite happy in this – and you can find them here on WordPress, too, so you don’t just have to take my word on this.  It’s really polyamory, a relationship state that we’re all capable of but are conditioned not to engage in.  It’s cheating, it’s denigrating, it just goes against everything we’ve learned and have seen… yet a lot of women are not only looking at polyamory to find that piece of happiness in their lives, they’re very much into it because they believe that it is better to have part of something than to have all of nothing or “Why be alone and miserable when you don’t have to?

Sure, there are pitfalls even in this:  No relationship strategy is perfect, not even being single.  There are so many pitfalls that it’ll make you think that it just isn’t possible… but it is – go ask Seattle Poly Chick and Lifeofalovergirl.  Of course, I’m not even suggesting that all the lonely women out there run out and jump into this relationship aspect – you have really got to have your head in an entirely different space and there are other skills that must be learned in order to make being a side chick a good thing instead of the bad thing everyone says it is.

Is it immoral?  They say it is since it spits in the face of monogamy but is it really immoral and more so since humans used to live like this before the concept of monogamy came along?  Is it bad for a woman’s self-image, their self-worth, things like that?  It can be if they believe this to be so and can be compounded if she’s been the chick on the side and the other person just basically screwed them over – which is what usually happens because, again, not everyone knows how to do this and what it takes to do it; not everyone wants to go through the mental exercises and change that is necessary to be a part of something and be happy in that part.  At some point, the women who have done this and made it work for them asked themselves an important question:  “What is the price of my happiness?”  And a lot of women do put a very high price on it, placing their integrity far above their desire and need to be loved, happy, and needed – and it’s understandable… but even I have asked, “What are you willing to do for love?  Would you really do anything to achieve that desirable goal?”

Usually, the answer is no… and they still wonder why they don’t have anyone in their lives.  There’s nothing wrong with sitting on their cute asses and waiting for Mr. Right to come along… but where is it written that you can’t have some fun while you’re waiting?  Why would you want to be alone and miserable when you don’t have to do either… but you’re gonna let your belief in monogamy control things instead of applying some logic or even following one’s heart.  What’s wrong with getting your own side piece?  Not one damn thing but as with any relationship, one must weigh the pros and cons and have a plan – one of the skills that has to be learned and mastered is time management.

You need exceptional communication and conflict resolution skills and if all of this sounds too much like work, well, it is – do you think any relationship is self-sustaining.  If you wonder why relationships often fail, it’s because the people in them don’t have these skills and, importantly, they don’t know how to work with each other because, most of the time, there are separate agendas – she has one idea of how the relationship is supposed to be and the other person just ain’t on the same page with them.  Being the chick on the side – or the dude on the side (and I’ve been that guy a few times) takes work to make it work… but you have to want it to work.

What about someone else’s pain?  Unless you plan well and choose to deal with people who also believe that monogamy ain’t the only answer to happiness, yeah, you’re gonna cause someone some pain because their monogamous rules against cheating are firmly in place, right?  So it’s not about just accepting any offer that comes along – it’s about selecting the right offer or creating your own environment for this and, yep, there’s a shitload of homework that needs to be done and everyone involve must be appropriately educated.  If you do this, is it settling for less than what you want?  Some say it is but the truth few people want to acknowledge is that there’s what you want to do in this… and then there’s what you can do and they are not the same thing – nor should they be, when you really think about this.  And if you believe that you can’t do it, um, aren’t you settling for the worst possible situation – being alone and having no one?

What about your own pain?  Well, what about it?  What is it that would make this be so painful?  How does this fuck with your self-esteem or your self-image?  The only way it does is if you allow it to because being a successful side chick or side dude can be done and with little or no emotional impact to anyone… provided one wants to be successful in this; I’m just saying that it is possible – I’ve been there, done that – wanna see my T-shirt?

Enigma said that she’s been propositioned by individuals who want to be her side piece… and I say to her, “Why the hell not?  If you can be happy, go for it!”  Why do I say this?  Simple:  Because she can.  I’d even go as far to say that if she’s been so propositioned, she’s giving it some thought and along the lines of, “How can I make this work for me?”  I’d go even farther and say that at some level, she knows or understands that monogamy isn’t always the answer nor is it always the best way to take care of one’s needs and that, perhaps, she’s aware that she could do this and make it work – even if she doesn’t know that a plan is forming in her mind.  Should Enigma do the unthinkable?  Many people would say she shouldn’t… but aren’t we talking about Enigma’s happiness.. and who the fuck are we to decide for her  on the matter of what would make her happy?  Is she in charge of this… or is the high ideals of monogamy going to forever dictate to her how she can be happy, not to mention all of the people who, honestly, may not have what it takes to make such a thing work.

And the only way to know that it won’t work for you is to do it… but you still have to have your head in the right place because if you go into this think that it won’t work, that quote I mentioned becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy, doesn’t it?  By not having your head in the right place – or just flat-out being unable to get it there – you’ve already set yourself up to fail because while careful planning and some re-education is necessary, if you don’t believe it’ll work, it just won’t.

For the record – and before I forget – side pieces don’t have to already be married – single folks can be their own side pieces as well.  Does it seem right or justifiable to reap all the benefits and slide past the responsibilities?  Well, yeah, if doing so suits your needs and the needs of anyone you’d relate with in this fashion.  Yet – and I gotta tell you this part – you don’t really escape the responsibilities – you still have to manage the relationship just as you would if both people were single.  And the benefits, such as they are, can go beyond just love and affection; in some situations, having side pieces can have some financial benefits because many hand make short work or, the more people working on a thing makes the work easier… but one must avoid “too many chiefs and not enough Indians,” a situation that will guarantee failure.

If you really and truly don’t want to be lonely, why not do something about it?  Because you can do something about it if you’re bold and daring enough and if you don’t put a price on your happiness.  The author of the blog Enigma shared, from a certain point of view, is right in what she says about being a side chick or even a side dude… she’s just not totally right, just one of many other people who believe that not being monogamous is a bad and dangerous thing.  Is there a future in being a side chick?  Yes… if you’re willing to make your future and not let ancient thinking decide that for you – it’s your choice.

I don’t expect anyone to agree with my assessment or take on this; I admit that I have a very different mindset about this; I know that happiness can be found, that one can have a future if they’re willing and able to change the way they see life and loving.  I was once so totally against this kind of thing – I believed just like everyone else does.  Monogamy can work – there are many examples of this but, still, monogamy isn’t the only answer and if that’s not been working for you, why not give some thought to the alternative.  If being a side piece can fulfill your needs, why not go for it?  If having a side piece is going to fill those empty places inside of you, why not do something that will bring you happiness, love, affection, etc.?  Is it easy?  Fuck, no, it ain’t.

But it is doable.  I did it.  Many fellow WordPress bloggers are doing it.  Rougedmount considers it all of the time – and she’s all about her duty to her family first and foremost and even as dedicated to the tenets of monogamy as she is, she’d be a side piece or take one herself if it suited her purpose.  These are all real people; it’s not just my take on the subject so if nothing else, you know that I’m not the only one who thinks this could be a good idea instead of the nightmare everyone says it can be.

What price do you put on your happiness?  Do you really just want to be lonely?  Does your pride rule over your intellect, logic, and common sense?  Are you that willing to sit and wait for something to come along that may never appear?  Do you continue to believe that monogamy is the answer when your situation is telling you otherwise?  Are you not getting all you want and need out of your monogamous relationship?  Or is suffering something you enjoy?

Now I can get back to my original thoughts of the day…

 

To Be or Not to Be… Poly

A long time ago now, I wrote a blog about relationships states, with being single on the ‘low’ end of the scale and being poly at the zenith, this being the ultimate form of having a relationship.

It’s miserably hot and my mind is wandering even as I try to stay cool and hydrated… and my mind got stuck on this one and, really, more about the mistakes in being poly than the good things relating in this fashion can bring to the table.  Once you get past the hurdle of finding others who are willing to forego monogamy for that rare chance to have their cake and eat it, too, my mind reasoned that the biggest problem after getting started is management and more so than being in a monogamous relationship.

No relationship is really self-sustaining; you don’t start one and then it just goes and takes care of itself – we learn, and often, the hard way, that relationships take constant work and attention:  They have to be managed.  If you think managing a monogamous relationship takes a lot of work – and they do – then the poly relationship will severely test your ability to manage things as well as your ability to either multi-task or compartmentalize.

In a word, it sounds and looks good on paper… but the reality can be the mother of all motherfuckers.  I’ve learned that management can be a problem when you’re trying to do your poly thing while holding on to monogamy’s rules; they are not any easy thing to get rid of and understandably so because you’re still pretty much having one-on-one relationships… just with more than one person… and we tend to deal with one-on-one relationships in the same manner we deal with marriage and being monogamous.

Doesn’t sound all that inviting, does it?

There are a few polyamorous bloggers I follow – and I point out that they are women – and you can read their blogs and see both the joys of being poly as well as the migraine-inducing headaches and mostly because management of multiple ongoing relationships is a bitch – I cannot think of a word that would accurately describe it with any more emphasis.

You’re either getting or giving too much attention or not enough; depending on how your poly relationship is formed, even having sex – which one would think is pure joy all by itself – can be problematic; again, you’re either getting too much or it’s not enough.

Management isn’t all about ‘scheduling’ or parceling out your time and energies so that each of your poly partners gets to spend time alone with you; it’s also about managing personalities; it’s about being intimate with each person in ways that have nothing to do with sex.  You all might have that shared goal of making the poly relationship work but it’s not entirely about what you’re doing or how you’re doing it – the shape of the relationship – as much as it is about the individuals that comprise said relationship… and that makes things both very different and a near nightmare to manage.

It can be done, though – let’s not lose sight of that.  But if people have tried to be poly and have failed, well, I’m the guy telling you where the failure points are.  You really do have to be an exceptional person to manage the complexities of a poly relationship; you also need equally exceptional people to not only be in such a relationship but to do their part in the management side of things.

Some have asked me what the most difficult thing about being poly is and my answer has pretty much always been trying to keep everything straight in my head – management.  As I mentioned, a ‘normal’ relationship just doesn’t run on its own – it’s not self-sustaining – and each person in the relationship must do their part to push things in the agreed-upon direction.  It’s not easy, as a lot of us have found out… but then add another person… then another… then two more and now you see how incredibly difficult managing not only the people but the relationship as a whole can be.

I’d have to say that if you’re doing things right, what others may see is you having a weird kind of relationship – and you’re making it look easy, which is so unbelievable that you’ll get asked just how in the hell you can be doing such a thing – and you get asked that a lot.  I know that when people asked this of me, I’d smile, kinda shake my head, and tell them that it’s not as easy as it might look.

Think of icebergs, if it helps; it’s not what you see that’s the problem/danger – it’s the part of the berg that you can’t see.  You know it’s there… but you have no idea of how much is really hidden.  Think of a punch in boxing:  The one you see might hurt you if you can’t dodge it – but it’s the punch you don’t see that’ll knock you the fuck out.

Trust me, you don’t handle the management in a good way, you will get knocked the fuck out.  Of course, it all depends on what poly ‘style’ you have adopted or have put in place, the more common varieties are open – anyone can add folks to the mix – or closed – it’s just us and additional entrances are debatable or out of the question.  I cannot honestly say which poly state is the easier to deal with; to me, they have their inherent issues where management is concerned.

In a lot of ways, being poly does and can mean “the more, the merrier” – and not really because at some point, you’re gonna find out just how much work maintaining such a relationship can be – it can make being married look easy but just like being married, you have to make it work because just like any other relationship, it’s only going to be as good as everyone can make it.