The Definitive Shit List

I first saw this back in the mid-1980s; it was hilarious then and it’s still pretty damned funny… and true!  Thanks to http://www.burningannie.com for providing this funny shit!

• The Ghost Shit:  The kind where you feel shit come out, see shit on the toilet paper, but there’s no shit in the bowl.
• The Clean Shit:  The kind where you feel shit come out, see shit in the bowl, but there’s no shit on the toilet paper.
• The Wet Shit:  You wipe your ass fifty times and it still feels unwiped.  So you end up putting toilet paper between your ass and your underwear so you don’t ruin them with skidmarks.
• The Second Wave Shit:  This shit happens when you’ve finished, your pants are up to your knees, and you suddenly realize you have to shit some more.
• The Brain Hemorrhage Through Your Nose Shit:  Also known as “Pop a Vein in Your Forehead Shit.”  You have to strain so much to get it out that you turn purple and practically have a stroke.
• The Corn Shit:  No explanation necessary.
• The Lincoln Log Shit:  The kind of shit that’s so enormous you’re afraid to flush it down without first breaking in up into little pieces with the toilet brush.
• The Notorious Drinker Shit:  The kind of shit you have the morning after a long night of drinking.  Its most noticeable trait is the tread mark left on the bottom of the toilet bowl after you flush.
• The “Gee, I Really Wish I Could Shit” Shit:  The kind where you want to shit, but even after straining your guts out, all you do is sit on the toilet, cramped and farting.
• The Wet Cheeks Shit:  Also known as the “Power Dump.”  The kind that comes out of your ass so fast that your butt cheeks get splashed with the toilet water.
• The Liquid Shit:  The kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots out of your butt, splashes all over the side of the toilet bowl and, at the same time, burns your tender poop-chute.
• The Mexican Food Shit:  A class all its own.
• The Crowd Pleaser:  A shit that is so intriguing in size and/or appearance that you have to show it to someone before flushing.
• The Mood Enhancer:  Occurring after a lengthy period of constipation, this shit allows you to be your old self again.
• The Ritual:  This shit occurs at the same time each day and is accomplished with the aid of a newspaper.
• The Guinness Book of Records Shit:  A shit so noteworthy is should be recorded for future generations.
• The Aftershock Shit:  This shit has an odor so powerful that anyone entering the vicinity within the next 7 hours is affected.
• The “Honeymoon’s Over” Shit:  Any shit created in the presence of another person.
• The Groaner:  A shit so huge it cannot exit without vocal assistance.
• The Floater:  Characterized by its floatability, this shit has been known to resurface after many flushings.
• The Ranger:  A shit that refuses to let go.  It is usually necessary to engage in a rocking or bounding motion, but quite often the only solution is to push it away with a piece of toilet paper.
• The Phantom Shit:  Appears in the toilet mysteriously and no one will admit to putting it there.
• The Peek-a-Boo Shit:  Now you see it, now you don’t.  This shit is playing games with you.  Requires patience and muscle control.
• The Bombshell:  A shit that comes as a complete surprise at a time that is either inappropriate to shit (i.e., during lovemaking or a root canal) or you are nowhere near shitting facilities.
• The Snake Charmer:  A long skinny shit which has managed to coil itself into a frightening position… usually harmless.
• The Olympic Shit:  Occurs exactly one hour prior to the start of any competitive event in which you are entered and bears a close resemblance to the Drinker’s Shit.
• The Back-to-Nature Shit:  This shit may be of any variety but is always deposited either in the woods or while hiding behind the passenger side of your car.
• The Pebbles-From-Heaven Shit:  An adorable collection of small turds in a cluster, often a gift from God when you actually can’t shit.
• Premeditated Shit:  Laxative induced.  Doesn’t count.
• Shitzophremia:  Fear of shitting.  Can be fatal! (Editor’s Note:  Shouldn’t it be “shitzophobia?”)
• Energizer vs. Duracell Shit:  Also known as a “Still Going” shit.
• The Power Dump Shit:  The kind that comes out so fast, you’ve barely got your pants down and you’re done.
• The Liquid Plumber Shit:  This shit is so big it plugs up the toilet and it overflows all over the floor. (You should have followed the advice from the Lincoln Log shit.)
• The Spinal Tap Shit:  The kind of shit that hurts so much coming out, you’d swear it’s got to be coming out sideways.
• The “I Think I’m Giving Birth Through My Asshole” Shit:  Similar to the Lincoln Log and the Spinal Tap shits.  The shape and size of the turd resembles at tall-boy beer can.  Vacuous air space remains in the rectum for some time afterwards.
• The Porridge Shit:  The type that comes out like toothpaste and it just keeps on coming.  You have two choices:  (a) flush and keep going or, (b) risk it piling up to your butt when you sit there helpless.
• The “I’m Going To Chew My Food Better” Shit:  When the bag of Doritos you ate last night lacerates the insides of your rectum on the way out in the morning.

Any of these sound familiar?  Have a good laugh!

 

Schlong Talk

Three schlongs are “hanging out” in the men’s room having a chat.

Scene 1: 

Good Schlong: I believe in lots and lots of foreplay before entering.

Mean Schlong: I like to just get in there and jackhammer that cave for as long as I can until I explode.

Dumb Schlong: I don’t care where I go, but I’m going in bare back.

Scene 2:

Mean Schlong: How’s it going Good?

Good Schlong: I’m into tantric now, but my balls are awfully blue. How about you?

Mean Schlong: I jackhammered too hard and now I’ve got a head ache.

Good Schlong: Have you seen Dumb?

Mean Schlong: He bare backed the wrong hole and now he’s on antibiotics for the next 10 days.

Scene 3: 10 days later the 3 schlongs are back in the men’s room.

Good Schlong: Are you still into your jackhammering ways Mean?

Mean Schlong: Nah, I’m into premature ejaculation now. It’s better to hammer quick em and leave em … less head ache. Have you seen Dumb?

Good Schlong: He’s hiding behind stalls.

Mean Schlong: Why?

Good Schlong: I don’t know but he’s whimpering.

Mean Schlong: (knocks on the stall door) Dumb get out of there.

Dumb Schlong: No!

Good Schlong: Why not? Did you bare back the wrong hole again?

Dumb Schlong: No. But I’ve got another problem.

Good Schlong: What is it? It can’t be that bad.

Dumb Schlong opens the stall door. Good and Mean are surprised at what they see.

Mean Schlong: What the hell happened to your head Dumb?

Dumb Schlong: Got into a car accident while a chick was mouthing me off and her choppers cut right through the rubbers.

 

The Urban Dictionary

Okay, so, I wrote something, John threw in the word “misandry,” then Mystery, for some reason, looked it up in the Urban Dictionary (http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=misandry) and, whoops, I’m betting that’s not what she expected to see!

If you think about the language we use these days, well, we hear all kinds of words and terms used and a lot of them won’t exactly make the next edition of Webster’s – but, wow, what does “jiggy” mean?  When you say “that shit was dope!” did you mean it was some kind of illegal drug?  If you’ve heard such words and/or phrases, chances are you can find out what they mean in the Urban Dictionary… like “wolf pussy” – that cracks me the fuck up every time I think about it.

Like, go look up “dinner whore” – kinda interesting if the phrase doesn’t give you a hint.  What’s “cool” about the Urban Dictionary is that you can see some words and phrases with multiple meanings and that’s because they’re heard in different cultures and not as much context, as it were – but some of them are as funny as hell, like “Mexican Avalanche;” that one’s pretty funny… but it makes you wonder about the people who would have sex like that.

You probably won’t find “biatch” in the New Oxford dictionary… but the Urban Dictionary will tell ya.  And, hey, if you have a word you wanna contribute, you can!  You can even sign up and it’ll deliver a “word for the day” for your consideration so you, too, can convo like an urbanite!

Wolf pussy…