Life, Living and Loving: 08 November 22

I read the TMI Tuesday stuff every day but I don’t always contribute but, yesterday, I made a rare contribution and all because of the very first question asked… which is and can be a major clusterfuck. For those of you who don’t follow TMI Tuesday, here’s that question:

“You unexpectedly had sex with your friend’s partner. You feel guilty. Your friend’s partner keeps texting you begging you not to say anything about the two of you having sex. Would you tell your friend or keep mum?”

I found the question interesting because of two aspects: “Unexpectedly” and feeling guilty. I found the choice of “unexpectedly” interesting since it implies that whatever happened wasn’t planned but there are those who firmly believe that you can wind up having sex with someone that you didn’t intend or expect to have sex with and that such things should never happen to begin with. I was forming my answer to the question – and you can see it here: TMI Tuesday: Coupling | Kdaddy23’s Blog (wordpress.com) – and going back in time and the early days when me and the fellas were chasing girls and with the hope of (a) having sex with them and (b) having them as a girlfriend and we would “invariably” wind up having sex with each other’s girlfriend either on-purpose, “accidentally” – that means that it just happened – and, yes, unexpectedly because we would learn that you do not ever do anything with your friend’s girlfriend other than speak to her and that includes not even looking at her and like you want her for yourself.

It made being able to fight rather mandatory; it also tended to result in a broken friendship and most assuredly a lot of hurt feelings. I think that what made this situation kinda/sorta less hurtful was that you could have a girlfriend today, she’d sleep with another guy tomorrow, and she could wind up being your girlfriend again on the third day. It was a very weird period and one that we all go through as we stumble and fumble through being able to establish a relationship and keeping it intact and in accordance to what we’d also been told about this: You can only have a relationship with one person at a time. Yeah, usually but not really because not only by the time I got into junior high school there were guys with more than one girlfriend, but there were also girls with more than one boyfriend.

Lots of fights and hurt feelings would often ensue. I remember the first wedding I went to and the part where the minister had them repeating the “for better or worse” parts and it “confirmed” what my parents had told me about being married and, well, okay. I remember them explaining being engaged – that meant that if you were engaged, you couldn’t “be” with someone else and having sex with someone you were engaged to was, at the time, still considered to be very bad form and this was very much in-line with them telling me that you should only have sex with (a) someone you loved and (b) someone you were going to marry.

So there were two things one had to be mindful of and adhere to: The Friend Code and marriage vows. I don’t exactly remember when I saw the similarities between these two things, but I would, one day, be very aware that people in a relationship but weren’t married are held to the same rules as being married, i.e., for better or worse, in sickness and in health; forsaking all others and keeping only unto yourself. And then… the reality I had already been introduced to that made me wonder about some stuff. I would understand why that part of the marriage vows existed and, yes, it has everything to do with making babies and having a good and viable gene pool and more so when all kinds of birth defects plagued humanity in its early stages. Okay. Makes sense.

But the reality doesn’t much care about this. I don’t know about anyone else but at some point, you learn some shit about attraction and chemistry that just flat out defies the rules we have in place to ensure that things between men and women are one man, one woman, and no exceptions. “Dating” and beginning in junior high school was a bitch and that’s being nice about it because, again, your girl could your girl this morning and someone else’s girl right after lunch. It would be so terribly heartbreaking to find out that some other guy stole your girl and, yeah, he fucked her, too. Cheating was just… par for the course, to put it that way and I would learn one day that there really is a difference between having a girlfriend and being engaged/married and that difference was that you were still held to the same rules but… loosely.

Yeah, sometimes, I’d wind up sleeping with a friend’s girlfriend or, um her boyfriend, and… I didn’t feel bad about it all that much. Like I said in my answer to the TMI question, I knew what the Friend Code said but I also knew about consent, too. If the party of the first part agrees that having sex with the party of the second part would be a very good idea, let’s get it on but if either party had a boy- or girlfriend, well, neither party can let it be known to their boy- or girlfriend that they had sex with each other because you knew what was going to happen with both parties when the boy- or girlfriend found out. I’m not going to say that I got involved in this purely because of intent or “premeditation” although, sure, if I could steal a guy’s girl from him, why not and more so when guys had no problem stealing – and fucking – my girlfriends. It was… dog eat dog and feeling bad about screwing your friend’s girl was, well, you kinda felt bad about it and you didn’t so much.

Messy. I don’t know how many times a guy introduced me to his girl, and I could feel the sexual attraction and, oh, yeah, if I could do her, I most certainly would but The Code prohibited it. You just don’t do your boy dirty like that but I would learn that sexual attraction is some damned powerful shit and to the point where I knew that breaking The Code would be very bad but the two of us knew we had to have sex with each other. This, again, was intent which isn’t the same as being caught up in the moment and, yup, unexpectedly having sex with your friend’s partner. Oh, shit. The rule says that the parties of the first and second part should, in the moment where sex is about to happen, say no, and run away as fast as one can and tell their partner about the incident.

Yeah… and even I found out that it doesn’t work like that. One might think that unexpectedly having sex is an impossibility, but I can assure you that it isn’t and the times when one of us has said, “We shouldn’t be doing this…” and we’re doing it just the same. I would “feel bad” and I wouldn’t because unlike my peers, I understood some stuff about attraction and that “chemistry” that tells you to have sex with someone and how this seriously conflicts with The Code. You don’t want to make an enemy out of your friend but, on the real, that urge to have sex can be damned hard to ignore and one minute you’re sitting there talking to her and the next thing you know, the two of you are going at it and you want to stop and you know you should and, nope, it’s too late at this point and, oh, shit. Well, I’m sure as fuck not going to tell him that I boned his girl and I didn’t mean to because he’s not going to believe that I didn’t mean to and, shit, I really don’t want to wind up getting into a fight with him but that’s pretty much a given that should be expected.

That sense of betrayal is a motherfucker to have to deal with, but this is one of those things that can be “filed” under, “Things happen when they’re supposed to” but this isn’t supposed to happen. I remember all too well how I (a) fell in love with my friend’s wife, (b) how she had the same feelings for me, (c) how we both knew that we shouldn’t feel this way about each other, and (d) we also knew that there was no way in hell we could have the sex with each other we both knew we had to have. And despite our best effort, it happened anyway. Okay. Here’s the thing: Neither of us felt guilty about the five hours we spent having sex that first time, but it was obviously clear that letting our respective spouses about this even though my marriage was open, and my wife and I were free to have sex with anyone of our choosing. So I was “good” on my end but, of course, she wasn’t. She made me promise that I would never tell my wife about this because they were friends, too.

And I never did. I did, in fact, break the rule my wife and I had between us to fully disclose all encounters with others and that just compounded the situation but, okay it got weird because promises were broken but kept and “all because” human nature does not give a fuck about the vows and promises we have created for ourselves. I’m not gonna say that my wife didn’t suspect that there was something between us but she never called me out on it. I would, many years later, find that she eventually told her husband about us – and many, many years later – and when I had asked how he reacted, she said that he was rather calm about it… because he kinda/sorta knew.

I would go to work every day and see him every day and I did not feel bad about the relationship I had with his wife, and it didn’t affect our friendship and working relationship but, then again, why would it when at that time, he didn’t know. Or, realistically, he knew that we were… friendly but not, perhaps, how friendly we had become. But, now, this.

Was there intent to, well, fuck shit up? No. Was it unexpected? No and I say that because we both felt the pull the moment we saw each other, and it was crazy and unlike anything I’d ever felt in my life. We knew we were going to have sex. We knew we shouldn’t have been thinking or feeling this way, and we both knew that we were going to fail to keep our hands off of each other, but I’ll ask you to believe me when I say that we tried and starting with stopping talking to each other and… that just didn’t work since, sometimes, she had to call me to find out where her hubby was and what he was doing. Shit.

Whether it was intent or “unexpected,” I screwed a friend’s partner and I did not feel guilty about it and there was no way in hell that I was going to tell him about it and even if she hadn’t made me swear by all that meant anything to me to not say a word about it to anyone. The Friend Code… busted. Marriage vows… busted but they were already busted on my end because I learned a lesson about how the vows don’t mean shit when someone is compelled to “do what they gotta do,” to put it that way. Zero guilt and I remember us specifically talking about this a few hours after our marathon first time. She asked me, “Why do we not feel guilty?” and… I didn’t know but I got to thinking about it and saw that, well, hmm, we both consented to it and as adults are “allowed” to do. We did something wrong, but it was the right thing to do, and I think we both got schooled on what chemistry can really be like and how fucking powerful it can be. When she asked, “Are we gonna do this or what?” I knew in my heart and soul that I could not and would not say no… even when I damned well knew that I should and because of The Code and the legalities involved when you’re married.

A very watershed moment in my life and… I couldn’t tell anyone about it. She didn’t have to “beg” me not to tell because, again, we both damned well knew that telling was out of the question and in direct violation of being open and honest with your spouse/partner. Yeah… I found out that she told a couple of her girlfriends that she trusted, and I’d met both of them one day and they both let me know that they knew, and they weren’t even mad at me and both said that they were happy for us… and jealous, too. I told my closest friend because I knew he wasn’t going to say anything to anyone else about it.

Tell our spouses? Hell, no. She asked me not to tell mine and she knew I was supposed to because she knew about our open marriage and that was because I told her about it when it became clear what had to happen and, yeah, it was a given that we weren’t going to say shit about it to her husband and my friend and coworker. We didn’t even think that it was going to be a one-time thing because we knew it wasn’t going to be.

The biggest sigh I’m capable of at this point. There are the rules we are to always follow and without exception, but you learn that human nature doesn’t give a fuck about stuff like that. It was a lesson I had learned growing up and getting into the “relationship game” but it wasn’t until this moment in my life that everything that I had experienced – and including my wife cheating on me and it leading to us being open – that everything that I believed in was seriously proven to be… flawed. Honestly? I knew it was before I got that kick in the balls and, shit, sometimes, we were having sex with our friends’ partner while the partner was right there and all up in the mix. That was different. What I just told you about was a whole very different thing with a lot of implications and a slew of consequences that included some that weren’t palatable but a lesson of when you’re an adult and you consent to something like this, you accept the consequences even if the worse-case scenarios never happen like, um, we talked about her getting pregnant and having to explain that one to our spouses. She didn’t believe in using condoms and birth control as a whole so it was on me to get out of her before the fact, but we were both also aware that my “pre-cum” could contain active sperm. And I knew that if I got her pregnant, I had to own it and accept whatever consequences that happened.

And I was prepared to “take the whooping” I could expect to get if she did get pregnant because, well, I’m an adult and I’m not a coward in that sense. You do the “crime,” you do the “time.” At the end of any day, it wasn’t about intent or one of those “shit just happened like that” moments that really do happen. The “moral of the story” – and I can appreciate the irony in using the word, “moral” – is that if you do it, what’s the real point in feeling guilty about it since both of you consented to do this and in defiance of The Code and how we go about having a relationship like you’re married and even if you aren’t legally bound to each other.

I can, in a way, cite “unexpected” because I never expected to fall in love with her and I knew – because she told me – that she was even more shocked than I was. She’s the one who taught me that there’s nothing you can do about the way you feel – you can only do something about how you act on those feelings and if we had a problem, it was that we knew how we were going to act on them and… okay. Resistance was futile but, again, we knew that, too. Not telling our spouses about it and, believe me – she was well worth having to break my promise to my wife and I’m not just talking sexually and, yes, I felt worse about that than I did over what the two of us did. Still, zero guilt in that regard, and I think that was because we both understood human nature and, yeah, again, we both got a lesson on what “having chemistry” with someone really means.

She talked about fate a lot. That this was meant to be and, as such, she accepted fate; I felt the same way minus “fate” but I will say that if I never believed in fate before, I had a damned good reason to believe in it. Still, if we consent to doing this thing we are never to do because (a) The Friend’s Code and (b) the way all relationships are handled like being married is, yeah – some seriously messy shit all across the board and, once more, the fact that reality, in the form of human nature… doesn’t give a fuck. We are designed to be sexually attracted to each other and while we do our level best to not be so attracted when we’re in a relationship, I honestly do not know many people who have never felt that attracted to someone they weren’t supposed to be attracted to. You can’t help but to feel it and, yes, you go out of your way to not do a damned thing about what you’re feeling but, um, yeah, sometimes we fail to abide by the rules and as we know them to be.

The worst example of this for me? That would be my best friend’s wife accusing me of fucking her when I stayed with them while in their city and looking for a job there. He was understandably livid and left his home and came to mine to face me with the accusation and he was ready to fight. I, too, was livid because I knew that heifer lied on me and, at the time, I was 100% about abiding by The Code and, sure, I might have done that to someone else… but never to him. He was ready to kill me and understandably so but cooler heads prevailed, and I got him to see the truth and I had assured him that if I had fucked her, I would have told him myself that I had – and then took the blame for it even if she somehow managed to seduce me and, yes, I told him this to his face. He had some shit to talk to his wife about but this is a situation where The Code was upheld and on top of the fact that I had zero sexual interest in her. Come to find out, she tried to use me to make him jealous so that he would divorce her and, well, that poor girl had… issues, to be nice about it.

And an example of how The Code and the other promises we make just aren’t proof against human nature. I should, even now, feel bad about that… and I still don’t. I know that I should have “been strong” and said no when she asked if we were going to do this… and I didn’t and I knew I wouldn’t and I knew I should because the rules say so. She knew it, too and she asked, and I consented, and we did it like neither of us had ever had sex before in our respective experiences. It felt right despite being all kinds of wrong but, shit, it’s all a part of being an adult and owning the decisions you make. You never really expect something like this to happen – I know I didn’t – but there’s a lesson in this, too: Always expect the unexpected.

Does it make sense to feel guilty over that which has to be? I really don’t think so but I’m sure there are those who’d read this and not be of a mind to agree with this… and that’s understandable because I know what the rules are and there were other times when I’d find myself sexually attracted to a friend’s partner and… nothing happened… but I never saw this coming and, in retrospect, I should have but it wouldn’t have made a difference because it’s way too easy to saw what you shouldn’t have done… after you’ve already done it.

But I understand human nature because I got schooled in it and beginning with my first day in junior high school and at a time when trying to establish a relationship with a girl was expected and this kind of stuff happened as a matter of course. It’s complicated but, on the other hand, not so much when – or if you can – look at the reality of things and I do not mean the skewed version we’ve all been fed.

 

Life, Living and Loving: Why Married Women Cheat

https://www.msn.com/en-us/lifestyle/relationships/the-reasons-why-married-women-cheat-on-their-husbands/ar-AAD15NO?ocid=spartandhp

I saw this during my reading the news moment of my daily routine and, at first, I wasn’t going to look at it since I know why married women cheat but curiosity got the best of me so I decided to read it to see if the reasons given matched what I know.

And they did so, nope, not really surprised by any of what the article said and, of particular interest, it even stated something I’ve said time and time again about infidelity: If you don’t take care of your man/woman, someone else can and will.

The article mentioned that in the minds of many, men are the number one cheaters of all times… and suggests that, um, not exactly the whole truth of things but, sure, it’s what we believe just the same. The article, I think, did a good job of pointing out the things that’ll make a married woman cheat on her hubby and made sure to mention that there’s no one specific reason that can be pointed to as a “major reason” why married women cheat.

They do. And for whatever reason makes sense to them. Sometimes there’s a reason a woman can point to and sometimes shit happens and, to be honest, we’re pretty clueless to think and suggest that shit should never happen.

Now, in my way of thinking, this doesn’t give married women a black eye or, really, says anything bad about them… but it is an indictment against monogamy and how it locks people into a pattern and cycle of behavior that isn’t always in someone’s best interests to be in and does, in fact, set the stage for a prime reason why anyone cheats: When needs aren’t being met or otherwise ignored. Indeed, the article accurately and correctly stated that women who cheat on their husbands do love their husband and don’t want to leave him – they just want more than one man could ever hope to provide.

The article warns men to be more observant and attentive to their wife’s needs and this makes sense… doesn’t mean wifey isn’t going to want to experience someone else because of an overlooked need or, as the article said, because they fucking can.

The fact of things is that one can do everything humanly possible to make their partner a happy camper and something like this can still happen. Indeed, some women step to the side because, in their minds, their husband is an overbearing son of a bitch, always all up in her business and, frankly and basically, just getting on her last good nerve and she just needs a break from that level of attention… or scrutiny, if you prefer.

Sometimes, a woman just wants someone else to take them and fuck them silly; sometimes, they just want another or different level of emotional satisfaction or comfort, not that hubby is totally incompetent or anything like that but simply because it’s different… and it’s not coming from the guy she does, in fact, love.

I know what you’re thinking: If she loves him so much, why would she do some shit like this? The answer is that marriage and being monogamous does not allow any room for being able to not only anticipate someone undergoing the usual changes people just undergo but allows zero recourse. A married woman can have her needs attended to quite well but at some point, those needs change for some reason or another and it is assumed and implied that when you get married, the person you marry is all you will ever need and that wanting/needing anything other than your mate just should never, ever happen.

Marriage and monogamy doesn’t take the human factor into consideration at all and makes – and puts – men and women in a very and nearly impossible situation: Take care of each and every need the two of you have… and, oh, yeah, provided the two of you even know this because if wifey finds she has the need for someone else, do you really think she’s gonna mention this to her husband? Do you really believe that it’s impossible for someone to come along and push all of her good buttons – and buttons she is trying to keep others from pushing?

Do you really believe that shit can’t happen? Do you believe that when you get married, you’re never, ever, gonna want something else somewhere down the road and as if you’re not going to change over any given period of time and develop needs that your partner isn’t going to be able to do anything about?

Yeah… people do believe this, don’t they? It’s not that people don’t see this very critical flaw in marriage and monogamy because they do… and that’s exactly why there’s such a thing as ethical non-monogamy or cheating with permission, if you will, and an adjustment to the state of being married that allows for wants and needs that may arise to be taken care of by, ah, outside contractors, while maintaining the marriage and taking care of all that business as well.

I’ve said time and time again that the way to prevent cheating is to remove the conditions under which it can happen and this can be done by giving “permission” to get the extra stuff that might be needed and, often, with the condition that if it’s good for the goose, it’s good for the gander and all that. A lot of these forward-thinking couples actually do this as a couple as well as individually – they put their heads together and work out how they’re gonna go about doing this so that those other needs can be taken care of by someone else and – get this – remaining happily married.

This isn’t to say that married women are gonna cheat and by some weird kind of thinking that has made all men cheaters by default – and even if they’ve never cheated and never would. Many married women are happy with the way things are but, on the downside – and often unbeknownst to their husbands, yeah, they have some needs he ain’t able to deal with and they wouldn’t mind if someone else handled them but since it’s forbidden, she suppresses all of this and keeps it all locked up inside…

And that’s been proven to be very detrimental. It’s that thing that, when you see she’s got something on her mind that bugging the shit out of her and you ask her what’s wrong… and she says, “Nothing…” If your wife ever says to you, “How can we spice things up between us?” I’m thinking that you’d better pay attention to this and not dismiss it out of hand because she might not be thinking about the two of you having more sex than you’re already having.

In response to this question, it’s my opinion you should do a bad form kind of thing and answer a question with a questions: “What do you have in mind, baby?” and, if you can, let her know that you’re not going to fly off the handle over whatever she happens to have in mind and this is important because even if you don’t know this, I know that thinking and doing are not the same things. But women who might need to ask this question won’t… because husbands tend not to react well to whatever she has in mind… and especially if it involves those, um, outside contractors and, oh, yeah, the required contractor might not be male.

Sometimes, we won’t ask her what she wants and needs… because we’re afraid that she’s really going to answer the question… and we’re not gonna like it. Men have such fragile egos and I can tell you that it can do a number on your ego to find out that your loving wife wants something from someone else other than you. Not that you’re really all that fucked up, inadequate or otherwise incompetent, mind you.

Marriage and monogamy, again, allows no room at all for anyone to grow in this sense and it sure as fuck doesn’t allow for other needs to be tended to; we just accept that if we need something our partner can’t provide, we just have to do without it but even women – the standard bearers and placeholders of marriage, are saying, “Fuck that – if you’re not gonna help me with this, I’ll do it myself!” And the article does mention that for some women, cheating is about power and really showing hubby that he might be the man and all that… but she who has the pussy makes the rules… and there ain’t shit you can do about it and if you divorce her because she’s literally flexing that muscle, you still wind up being the loser even though you’ve cut that cheating bitch loose and, sometimes, at great cost to you so that makes it a lose/lose kind of thing.

If you don’t want your wife to cheat on you, sure, be observant, attentive, ready and willing to see to her wants and need to the best of your ability to do so… but understand a few things like she may want/need someone else because they’re not you and that’s not always putting you down and as I’ve mentioned; she may want/need someone who has, ah, different equipment and a different emotional way of doing things or, bluntly, if she needs a woman, my man, you’re clearly not female.

Understand that shit does happen and even when she will go out of her way to make sure it doesn’t. If she inquires about extra spice, pay attention to what she says and do not get in her ass about any of it. Listen, pay attention and even start thinking about how you can make whatever she’s talking about happen. Don’t assume that if she says something – and she might not, to be honest – that she’s going to do it anyway.

If you, as a husband, fail to do any of this, don’t be surprised when you find out she’s been cheating on you. Now, having said this, ladies, if you have wants and needs that the guy you love ain’t or can’t take care of, you gotta be brave enough to let him know while understanding that men do have very fragile egos. It’s a risk and I’ll admit that but what makes getting caught cheating even worst than it is comes from a husband being blindsided by it – he didn’t see it coming because he didn’t know what was going on inside your head… because, you know, that’s usually not a safe or smart thing to do, right?

It’s not merely a matter of wants and needs not being addressed: It’s a major communication failure. We like to think we can talk to our spouses about anything and we can… anything but this and we don’t talk about this because, historically, the spouse hearing these things tend to not react well to them but if you don’t ask, you won’t know and, hopefully, you’re not married to someone who reaction is verbally or physically violent.

We often go about these things in this fashion: It’s better to beg forgiveness than to ask permission and we don’t ask because we assume that we’re not going to get it – and that’s usually the case – and that’s why people cheat on each other.

But what if there was a way to prevent this? Would that be something you’d be interested in and more so when it’s possible to stay married to the person you do love and want to be with?

Many of the married folks reading this would say no; it’s not to ever be thought of, let alone done and there’s no reason to think or do some shit like this. To you, I’d have to say that if you have even the tiniest worry that your spouse might cheat on you – or, not that you’d admit it – you’ve thought about some extracurricular activity or maybe even came close to shit happening, yeah, you might want to rethink this. If you’re of a mind that you’d divorce him or her before doing some shit like that, keep in mind that no one really wins in a divorce and especially when they happen in marriages that, before any of this appeared, was pretty damned good and the love shared was good and strong.

I remember someone asking me “eons” ago what I would do if my wife said she wanted to have an affair – but they didn’t know that, um, that’s exactly what had happened. My answer was, “I’d ask her what she had in mind and what are the terms she may be thinking of and, yep, what’s in it for me.”

The guy I was talking to was shocked and instead of asking me why I’d say that, he started talking about all the bad shit he’d do his wife if she ever said some shit like that to him and I told him, “Yeah, I get it… and that would be a mistake, home boy.”

And not many people really understand how and why this is a huge mistake; it’s another case of people being institutionalized and, dare I say, mindfucked into believing that this is the way being married should be handled – it’s the way it’s always been and always will be – but not taking into consideration that the reality is very different. You’re not supposed to want more than what you already have… even when it becomes apparent that what you have, even when good, just isn’t enough for you to keep being the person you also want and need to be.

We make it clear to each other that if you have a need for anything we can’t provide, well, you’re not supposed to but if you do, it sucks to be you because nothing is going to be done about it and if you do decide to do something about it, it’s really gonna suck to be you when you get busted.

Ever wonder why the United States has pretty much always led the league in divorces? There are a lot of reasons… but this particular situation is one of them and a pretty significant one. We maintain that one cannot have their cake and eat it, too, the greedy bastards/bitches…

But what if you could… and not lose what you already have? Or are you of a mind that it’s not worth it and it’s better to suffer with your unfulfilled needs and because some long-dead motherfuckers said that you had to? How’s that been working for you, hmm? Silence, as it turns out, isn’t always golden, ignorance isn’t always as blissful as its said to be, and what you don’t know can hurt the fuck out of you and like you wouldn’t believe or, really, don’t want to believe.

And who among us that are married don’t secretly worry about our spouses finding a reason to cheat on us or, hah-hah, we believe that they’d never do such a thing and, indeed, aren’t supposed to so such a thing and no matter what’s going on with them and even if, by chance, you’re not holding up your end of the table – and as the article put it – and you know you aren’t.

Women cheat on their husbands; click on the link and see the reasons why and, without applying your moral compass, ask yourself if the reasons given are not only true but makes sense… and maybe you’ll see the flaws in being married and monogamous but, nah, I’m not so sure there are a lot of people who can see this for what it really is because their moral compass insists that shit like this can’t happen and is never supposed to happen… even when it’s a well-known fact that even married women cheat and perhaps a bit more than married men do.

 

Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: Cheating

Three days ago, Oceanswater asked this question in response to my “TBT: Do What You Gotta Do” scribble:

“My question is concerning “cheating,” and do married men and women that you’ve heard from consider the fact that they, just like heterosexuals are still cheating on his/her spouse?”

Cheating is one of those things that crosses any boundary you can throw in front of it. It is the bane of any relationship, the “threat” that hangs over one’s head, the one thing no one wants to happen to them and/or their relationship as well as something that makes us so paranoid that some folks get into their head that their new partner is gonna cheat on them at some point and they’re paying more attention to this than they are anything else – usually not a good thing since, in this, you’re guilty of doing something that you might not even be thinking about.

Bisexuals in relationships are, in my opinion and in my experience, in the worst possible situation imaginable, whether they’re married or not – we hold unmarried couples to the same rules and standards that married people are held to by law. Now, before I really get into this, let’s get one thing straight: Not all bisexuals are gonna cheat on their partner so that bullshit about bisexuals not being able to commit to anything and stay committed is just that – bullshit.

Having said that, yes – some bisexuals do cheat and, yes, there are some who actually believe – or want to believe – that just because they’re engaging in some same-sex action, it’s not cheating when in fact, it is and anyone who thinks it isn’t, well, I just don’t know why they would. Classically, it’s that thing where “Jane” finds out that her man has been bonking another woman and, in his defense, he says something like, “I didn’t fuck her! All she did was suck my dick!”

Yeah, right… like that ever works even when it’s the truth, right?

We hold true that no one should ever have a reason to cheat and that, really, there is no reason for it – it’s just inexcusable… and that’s some pie-in-the-sky crap and obvious so since, um, people do cheat. When one gets busted for this, the person who got busted can try to explain why they did what they did until they lose their voice and nothing – nothing – they’re gonna say will be accepted as a legitimate reason for being unfaithful.

Do bisexuals know that even if they get with another man/woman that they are cheating? Yeah, they do know and, in most cases, it’s not a decision they made easily or without giving it a lot of thought weighing the pros, cons, and consequences of such an action. They are, however, guilty with reason, Your Honor and while we like to believe that no one has a reason for this, well, that’s kinda insane. Why do people cheat?

Cheating happens when someone’s needs are being ignored or otherwise not being taken care of in the way they think they should be and the needs can be emotional, physical, or both. We also hold true that when two people are in a relationship – married or not – they are supposed to be alpha and omega; all you will ever need and supposed to need is them… except, there’s a fallacy at work here in that you are charging someone to take care of every or any need that they have now and in the unforeseeable future.

Bisexuals get all fucked up behind this… highly improbably and difficult mandate because they find they need something that their partner cannot provide them with, let alone do anything about or, if “Hank” finds that he needs to play with a dick as a part of his sexual needs and satisfaction, his woman, well, she’s a woman and with some exceptions, doesn’t have a dick. Likewise, if “Jane” needs the touch of another woman, there’s ain’t shit a man can do about that since, duh, he’s not a woman (with exceptions again), is he?

That’s a problem and one could argue that no one should ever want to do such a thing, well, that thought is bullshit, too. So there’s some decisions to make and none of them are what I’d call good ones. Obviously, the first decision is to not do a damned thing about getting what you need, obey the rules and stand pat even though it leaves one open to being frustrated, depressed, irritable and a few other things that will manifest themselves – right away or over time – and lend themselves to fucking up the relationship.

One can avoid being “stuck in place” with this by dissolving the relationship freeing themselves from that “keep only unto yourself” thing that, again, is mandated even for unmarried couples… except, that’s not always a smart thing to do and more so when, outside of this issue, there’s nothing wrong with the relationship – it’s like throwing the baby out with the bath water, if you will.

One could ask for permission to get that which they need and that which their partner can’t or, realistically, won’t provide… and good luck with that one. It is to note that some can ask for permission and get it and with the understanding that it comes with a price or what’s good for the goose and all that but “Jane” going to her man and asking for his permission to be able to ravage some woman’s daughter might not go over well and sometimes not even if the guy thinks that two girls getting it on is hot and sexy; it’s okay for two other women to be like this but, damn it, not his woman because all she should ever need is his dick.

The first thing, well, many aren’t of a mind to put this kind of destructive stress on themselves; the second thing can also be quite undesirable and the third thing is so highly unlikely that most folks won’t even bother to ask and just assume the answer is going to be no even though, realistically, if you don’t ask, you really don’t know that your partner is going to reject it but, yeah, that’s what usually happens so why ask, right?

What’s left? Oh, that’s right – cheating. See, no matter how you feel about this subject, no one ever cheats without a reason and sometimes that reason is “shit happens” which, yup, we don’t believe should ever happen even though we know it does; Mr. Murphy is just an asshole like that. The key thing here is that “Hank” can have quite a few reasons to step to the side so he can get some dick and none of them will make sense to the person asking him why he did that and even to the extent that the dreaded, “Yeah, but…” can often make an appearance.

People are always asking how cheating can be avoided or prevented and I can think of two ways right off the top of my head. One is never get into a relationship and the other is to eliminate all possible reasons for cheating or, simply, whatever your partner needs, if you can’t provide it personally, make sure they can get what they need so that everyone involved can be happy and fulfilled and more so when one of the unspoken and, perhaps, even implied tenets of monogamy is that you should be willing and able to do anything for your partner’s happiness – with some exceptions like, um, no, you’re not gonna go out and kill someone or a few other patently ridiculous things.

How many of you reading this would be willing to do either of these two things? And if you’re thinking that you wouldn’t do either thing, now you know why some people cheat. I’m not saying it’s right or wrong – I’m just telling you what I’ve learned about this and that it’s not always about what’s being done but why it is. I’ve spent a lot of time analyzing all of the whys I’ve come across and, yeah, some of them even make me roll my eyes but the key thing here is why is a subjective thing, again, something that makes sense to one person but won’t make sense to someone hearing it.

Like, classically, “Hank” steps to the side to get sucked off because his woman either stopped doing it or won’t. Hank knows, even via rumor, that while there are women who’d happily drain his nuts like that, it’s highly conditional and complicated… but there are guys who’d empty his nuts orally and with great and unfettered glee, no strings attached and even without reciprocation. Hank either has a “shit happens” moment or, fuck, he decides he needs to have this done for him (that’s his first mistake in the minds of many) and it’s that important to him that he hooks up with a guy for that.

“Hank” gets busted or outed and now he’s gotta deal with a very pissed off woman who, of course, wants to know why and he can tell her, “Because you won’t do it…” and his reason is unacceptable because, of course, she doesn’t have to if she doesn’t want to and you can’t make her do it.

You see the problem in this, don’t you? Our boy “Hank,” in the minds of many, is wrong and in a lot of categories, just as “Jane” would be just as wrong for wanting and needing something that her man cannot give her. We just accept that it’s easier to beg forgiveness than to ask permission and because it is, not that one is going to be forgiven.

And if you do, in fact, see the problem and are thinking, “Yeah, but…” what are you really saying? That what you believe in always trumps the reality of life? It seems to me that it’s kinda… insane to say that someone does, in fact, have a plausible or reasonable excuse for cheating… and tell them that despite this, they shouldn’t have done it because it’s not ever supposed to be done. Or to assume that because you wouldn’t have a reason to be unfaithful means that no one should ever have a reason for it – but, okay, sure, if “Hank” stepped to the side, you can see why he did.

Or, “Yeah, but…” You can, if you care to, try to rake me over the coals on this one but I gotta tell you that you’re just wasting your time because I’m the guy who’s telling you something and maybe even something you’d rather not want to know about. People cheat; infidelity is an equal opportunity kind of thing that can affect anyone at any time, regardless of shit like sexuality, marital status, whatever. I know why people cheat and, yeah, I’ll even tell you that some people cheat because they can’t get their heads around being monogamous and that there are social scientists who are tossing it out there that being monogamous is an unnatural thing for humans to do so if ya wanna bitch at someone about this, go bitch at them and if you are bitching about it – and thinking about tarring and feathering me for having the audacity to scribble about it, could it be you’re riffing because there could be some truth to this… but a truth you’re unwilling to accept?

There is always the way things are supposed to be… then there’s the way things really are. We’re not supposed to cheat or otherwise be unfaithful… doesn’t ever change the fact that it happens. Maybe you wouldn’t do it, which is all well and good, noble, and moral; doesn’t mean someone would never have a reason to even if that reason only makes sense to them.

Still the guy who’ll tell you this whether you agree or not. You don’t have to but if you ever really wanted to know why – and most people really don’t wanna know why – now you have an idea why. I’m just the messenger and, nope, it does not reflect my own, personal views on this.

 

On Being a Side Piece

It’s been widely accepted that being a side piece is the worst relationship scenario there is, a clear violation of the rules of monogamy if there ever was one.  Getting involved with a married person is never, ever supposed to happen; there’s supposed to be no form of logic or common sense that can explain why someone would willingly violate the directives of keeping only unto and letting no one put asunder as well as not coveting, committing adultery, etc..

It’s just not ever supposed to happen… which (wait for it) has never changed the fact that it has always happened and, in some bygone era and cultures, having a side piece or being one was okay as long as one’s duties to the person they were married to were being carried out.  Those folks who staunchly and fiercely believe in the tenets of monogamy have said that not only is this wrong but it doesn’t make sense:  Why would someone want to be a side piece?

Um, because it works for them?  Because monogamy is, basically, logically flawed and the concept of one person being able to take care of every single need of another person until one or both of them dies can’t always be true when you look at life and how people can really behave?  It’s not that people can’t do this – a lot of people do and they stay true to the rules with dogged determination and purpose… but the reality is that not everyone can do this and the truth of this – and as much as a lot of people never want to admit – is kinda obvious.

Why would a woman want to get involved with a married man and become a homewrecker?  I can explain this with an explanation of something I noticed when I got married.  Now, I can’t say that before I got married, I had a big problem getting involved with women but after I got married, holy shit:  There were women all up on me and some who, if they knew me before I got married, wouldn’t give me the time of day if their life depended on it.  And, as I observed, it wasn’t just happening to me; guys that wouldn’t even speak to my wife were now very interested in getting to know her in a very biblical way and as I worked on trying to figure out what was up with all of this, almost every married person I knew told me about this, that for some reason, the moment others found out they were married, they were swamped with people who wanted a piece of them – and even if their target was the least popular (or desirable) person around.

The explanation is… complicated.  I’ve had women tell me that a married man is a much better man than a single dude; the married man represents stability, security, and a proven commodity because if he wasn’t, um, his wife wouldn’t have married him and, yeah, some women very much want that for themselves; when you turn this the other way, the married woman is damned attractive because, simply, she must have some high-quality shit going on with her if her husband married her; she’s now a known and proven commodity and this is much better and attractive than some single chick who seems like she ain’t got much of anything going for her.  And, yeah – the taboos against fucking with married people can be more of a rush than the deterrent it’s supposed to be.

The much shorter version is that some people would rather be a part of something than to be a part of nothing.  It’s kinda the same dynamic that causes cheating which, no matter how you care to look at it, happens when someone’s needs are being ignored or otherwise not met to their satisfaction.  Single folks have needs, too, and needs that, by and large, go ignored or unfulfilled since they’re not in a relationship so if they can be a side piece to someone in a relationship, they can have their needs met albeit illicitly because the person in the relationship isn’t supposed to be a part of this for any reason.  Now, some people raise all kinds of hell about being a side piece, saying that such a person wants all of the benefits but none of the responsibilities of a relationship – and for some, this is true… but like so many other things, not the whole truth because for someone who’s willing to be a side piece, they are assuming some responsibilities, oh, like, say, taking care of those things that the rightful partner ain’t handling.

Those of you who are fiercely monogamous probably can’t accept this but I’m telling you – and yes, from experience – that it does happen – it has always happened; indeed, there are experts in this who suggest that humans weren’t meant to be monogamous, that putting ourselves on lockdown like this wasn’t the way we existed prior to religion/morality taking hold and, well, being monogamous is really an unnatural behavior for humans.  Those of you who are rabidly monogamous will say this is bullshit but, um, nah, not really and there’s way too much evidence that says that it’s not the bullshit you believe it to be because, yep, some people want to be a side piece or they need a side piece – and, sometimes, not because their partner is failing at anything.

It’s not supposed to be that way… and none of this changes what the reality is.  Okay, so the whole side piece thing has been known to wreck homes, which is always seen as a very bad is, in and of itself, a fact of the matter.  Like I said, this whole thing is horribly complicated and complex because you’re pitting moral behavior against human behavior and, well, when has that ever worked as expected and consistently so?  We tend to see the whole side piece thing as a purely sexual one… but, sometimes, there’s no sex involved or even wanted; what is wanted and needed is another emotional connection and simply because for some, just having one emotional connection to someone isn’t enough.

Ah, now you fanatical believers in monogamy are about to pull the “greedy card” out, aren’t you, and then slap down the “unable to stay committed to anything” card along with the “dishonorable cretin” card, right?  You believe, without question, that if you’re in a relationship with someone, you are – and can – be everything that the other person will ever need… even though you also know that, um, ya might not be when you get right down to it; you get into a relationship and the one thing you fear is that you won’t or can’t be everything to the other person but, like everyone who believes in being monogamous, that if for any reason you can’t be the alpha and omega for the other person – whether you find this to be the case or your partner does – oh, well – that’s just the way it is and the way it’s supposed to be and if you can’t deal with it, get the fuck out and stay out.

Except the people who’d gladly be a side piece – and someone who finds themselves in need of one – don’t necessarily agree with that assessment, do they?  This whole dynamic not only exposes the flaws in monogamy but does a great job of exposing personal flaws and ones that are expected and required to be accepted without question… except that’s not always the case, is it?  It can be summed up with something I’ve said time and time again:  If you don’t (or can’t) take care of your man/woman, someone else can and will.  This is a truism that pretty much everyone doesn’t want to accept, which is quite understandable since monogamy and morality says that it can’t be true and that it should never be true… but there’s an out available once the truth kicks you in the crotch:  Divorce or breaking up because it’s also inconceivable for one to have/be a side piece and keep the relationship alive and well, right?  It can’t be done, it’s not supposed to ever be done… but the reality, well, now, it can say otherwise, can’t it, because it works rather nicely for a whole lot of people in a relationship and, yeah, for both people in the relationship.

If you don’t understand how all of this works, then there’s some shit you’re missing or, sorry to say, in denial about.  The simple thing about side pieces is that being one or having one meets needs that being solely monogamous cannot provide.  Most people would rather eat shit and die before taking or becoming a side piece… and the operative word is “most” because, well, like it or not, being or having a side piece works for a lot of people and couples – alternative relationships or ethical non-monogamy or even negotiated infidelity have always been options and ones that have been exercised, explored, enabled – pick a word that goes along with this.  We refused to believe this, we insist that this shit ain’t the way things are supposed to be… and in the grand scheme of things – read this as life itself if you want to – it can mean absolutely nothing.  All one has to do in order to implement the side piece dynamic is to put together a list of things you aren’t going to do for anyone and that includes the person you’re in a relationship with; the moment you stop trying to be all that your partner will ever need, well,  you might find out what’ll happen or, inversely, the moment your partner develops that list and has stopped being your alpha and omega, hmm, that side piece thing suddenly makes sense.  Sure, the dissolution of the relationship is “easier” to do and our morality says that if y’all can’t make it work the way it’s supposed to work, throw it all away and start over… which belies that fact that some people don’t want to throw it all away, that starting over “from scratch” is a worse-case scenario they’d not want to find themselves in and, so, despite how morally wrong it is, having a side piece or being one – and remaining in the comfortable confines of their relationship – just makes sense.

Like I said somewhere in this, there are some people who don’t have a problem with having just a slice of the pie instead of the whole thing; for them, it’s better to have a piece of something than it is to have all of nothing.  It is wanting all of the perks but none of the responsibilities?  Depends on the person, doesn’t it?  There are, in fact, people who are a side piece or who has one… and responsibility isn’t impacted at all; indeed, some are very damned happy to have more responsibility, as crazy as that might sound.  And, even in this, there’s one responsibility that, in my opinion, can never be avoided:  If you are a side piece or you have one, you have the additional responsibility for taking care of them and in whatever form that takes and in addition to any other responsibilities that exist.

The whole side piece thing is problematic, not just from a moral point of view, because when it comes to relationships, um, no one ever learns how to multitask because we’re all told to never learn how to multitask when it comes to love, sex, and relationships.  Again, we act as if it can’t be done and it’s not ever supposed to be done and, since all of this is supposedly and allegedly true, it will always fail.  Yep, it usually does… but not always… and this is the truth that we, on the whole, don’t ever want to see because that truth just fucks up everything we were taught to believe in.

Y’all can come back and barbeque my cute ass over this matter, point out that I’m wrong, hammer me with your personal beliefs about this and, yeah, I expect that to happen… but I’m just the messenger, the guy who has the fucking nerve to tell you that what you believe isn’t the whole truth of things and from the position of knowing that it isn’t the whole truth; this just ain’t some cockeyed theory – I know it for a fact and, yep, I’m anal retentive enough to dig down deep into the muck and nastiness of this to find the truth, your unwillingness to accept it notwithstanding.  So go right ahead and flame me to your heart’s content, if that makes you secure in what you know and believe and despite running the risk of being flash-fried, yep, you’ll still have my respect.

I just happen to know that what you believe in isn’t the whole truth of things, that’s all, and given the things I’ve experienced, eh, there’s not a whole lot you can say to me that’ll change what I’ve learned about this shit first-hand and by mere observation of others.  Maybe you’d insist that you’d never do such a thing or that it could never happen to you; you’d never find a reason to want a little something extra on the side – and that’s fine and, again it is respected.  But, I’m the guy who’ll say that a whole lot of people – and myself included – have said these very same things, only to have reality deliver that swift kick in the crotch or that cold slap in the face that serves as a wakeup call and opens our eyes more to reality than idealism.  Sure… it may never happen to you; you may never see reason to have a side piece or to be one – married people can be side pieces to other married people just in case you think this only involves single folks – and if it never happens, that’s a good thing.

I know that it can happen even though we’re taught otherwise… and I have the balls to speak on it.

 

Staying Alive, Staying Alive

An affair can be devastating for most people; there’s the pain and agony brought on by that sense of betrayal and one’s mind can be filled with a billion questions and starting with, “Why?”  Even if the relationship isn’t thrown away when the affair is uncovered, what remains is rife with difficulties, including a lack of trust and feelings of inadequacy and impotency, making staying together a very hard thing to do.

Can one survive an affair?  It is possible if you can find a way to look at things logically instead of emotionally and beginning with the often painful task of finding out why the affair happened in the first place.  See, we all get into relationships and with the thought that any cheating isn’t ever supposed to happen but also hiding in the back of our minds is that latent fear of infidelity crashing the party and, for most, ruining all of our dreams.  We think that there should never be a reason for an affair and that there can never be an excuse for such things… right up to the point where you see the reality of it all, that there’s always a reason, excusable or not.

In my opinion, on of the first rules of being in a relationship is, “If you don’t take care of your man/woman, someone else can and will.”  So, the first step to surviving and recovering from an affair is to find out how, why, when, and where this failed.  It’s not about assigning blame so much as it is uncovering the root cause of the situation and, no, it’s not going to feel good to dig through everything to get to the root cause and then effect repairs so that (a) this doesn’t happen again and (b) your life together can continue to move forward.  If you let your emotions run things, well, you’re fucked – there’s no other way to put it; the emotional shit storm will “force” you to end a relationship and one that, up until this critical moment, was a good relationship.  Your emotions will get you to believe that things are beyond salvage and, well, folks, your emotions aren’t telling you the truth; they won’t allow you to hear or accept the truth and as painful as it can be, if you want to save things, you have to hear the truth and accept it – and then work together to effect the changes that are necessary if you don’t want to – or even can’t – throw your relationship away.

If you’re the one who got cheated on, here’s an important thing to keep in mind:  Just because you don’t think the “cheater” had a reason for cheating that makes sense doesn’t mean they don’t have a reason and one that makes sense to them.  If you’re the one who cheated, well, you know good and damned well why you did and you’d better find a way to put that reason on the table and, no, lying about that reason isn’t going to serve anyone’s purpose because resolving this will never happen if the awful truth doesn’t come out.  Neither of you can adopt the position that this cannot be remedied and, yes, we are all led to believe that it cannot ever be fixed.

And, yes, when the reasons are revealed, if you don’t believe that shit just happens, well, change your mind about that one – because it does just happen.  Yeah, we look at this as someone being weak-minded and unable to resist temptation… but this can happen to the most strong-willed of us, too.  Yes, even when shit happens, there’s a conscious decision to allow things to proceed but if you can wrap your head around how chemistry works and the power of it (and most people can’t), you can better understand how shit can happen to anyone and at any time.  Sure, if it never happens, you can say that you’ve dodged the bullet and this is always good… but just don’t ever fool yourself into believing that it can’t ever happen.

I’m guessing, at this point, that you can see that the key to surviving an affair is communication and at a level a lot of people are just incapable of reaching and, at least in my opinion, it’s because either their emotions are totally in control of things or they just never learned how to communicate at all.  It’s hard to tell the truth when it comes to this and one can debate which is the worst thing – a bunch of lies or the truth, which can be as “simple” as one person’s failure to do the things they promised to do with and for their partner.  No one wants to hear the truth about themselves in this; we know that we’re only human and, as such, imperfect and prone to making mistakes but if/when you hear that your partner cheated on you because of something you didn’t do, yep, that’s totally fucked up and, better, makes it very hard to accept the responsibility for that failure – it’s easier to lay all of the blame on the person who cheated than it is to accept any responsibility for their actions or inactions if that’s the case.

All of this is such a hard thing to do, it’s no wonder that more people will choose to break up rather than do all the things that can be done to fix whatever was broken.  You can survive an affair… if you really want to survive it… because here’s another truth that is hard to accept:  If you cheated/got cheated on, something failed in the relationship… but if you cannot fix it – if you don’t want to fix it – that’s an even bigger failure, wouldn’t you agree?  No?  Well of course you might not see this as a failure but if you look at it intelligently and without any emotional input, yeah, you could have fixed things but you didn’t… and that is a fail all day long.  What’s that you say?  A relationship cannot survive without trust and once it’s broken, there’s little and/or nothing that can be done about it?  If you believe this – and a lot of people do – you’re not right.  Yes,  love and trust do play very nicely with each other but you can love someone without blindly trusting them; you will think it impossible but, no, it isn’t, not really… but the pain of it all will always tell you that it’s impossible.

Now, if both people can sit down and talk all of this out – but they just can’t agree on how to repair whatever got broken (which can also be seen as a failure, by the way), then this, in my opinion, is the real problem.  It’s not that someone cheated – it’s what happens afterward and in order for things to be repaired, you must effect change… and change, at the personal level (which is necessary) is so very hard to do.  If you are unwilling to do whatever it takes to take care of your man/woman, um, why are you even in a relationship in the first place?  And if you fear any situations where infidelity might rear its ugly head, why aren’t you doing all that you can to make sure it doesn’t show up?  Why aren’t the two of you talking about the state of the relationship, what’s working and what’s not working so that the things that need tweaking gets tweaked?  I’ve said that if you have a list of things in your head that you’re not gonna do and not even for love, then surviving an affair isn’t going to be in your future and more so if you cannot or will not change.

And, really, if you think that the person who cheated on you is being selfish, um, if you’re unwilling to change, aren’t you being just as selfish as they are said to be?  Survival in this calls for an intellectual pursuit and not so much an emotionally driven one.  Yes, everyone’s feelings matter – they have to – but solutions to survival in this call for clarity of thought and without letting your emotions make decisions.  You might even feel that this just isn’t possible but it is… if you don’t submerge yourself in all the negative feeling the discovery of an affair will bring to the table.  You might even feel that you’re not the one who has to change… and that’s not exactly the truth.  Maybe you didn’t do anything “wrong” to precipitate the affair, but you still have to adapt to the situation and, if you can, try to understand why the affair happened and accept that an affair can happen for reasons other than just sex.  But if it is – and, most of the time, sex is the end-product of that’s really an emotional thing, like, the cheating partner has reason to believe that you don’t love or care for them as much as you’ve said… or you’re not really doing or saying anything in this regard.  And if this is the case, sure, you have to change somethings about yourself if you want and need this relationship to continue.

Relationships fail because of affairs and not totally because the affair happened; they fail because one or both people cannot or will not get on the same page with each other about what which needs to be changed so that the relationship can get back on track and harmoniously so.  If you allow the negative feelings to keep running around in your head – and a lot of us do because now we feel that we can never trust or believe our partner, well, which thing would you rather do – keep dwelling on this or focusing your energies toward making things better?  Since we believe that a relationship can never be fixed if this happens, we tend not to try to fix it; it’s easier to hold on to the negative feelings than it is to set it aside for the greater good of the relationship.  It’s easier to blame the one who cheated, just as it is easier to totally disregard their reasons – and more so if, in their eyes, you’re the reason why they did what they did.

You can be angry and quote all the rhetoric about how and why an affair should never happen and in an attempt to deflect what is really a given about this:  If you don’t take care of your man/woman, someone else can and will.  If both of you work, from the very beginning, to prevent an affair from happening – and it’s all about effective communication – then the possibility of shit getting fucked up is lessened… but if you don’t work together on this – and this includes being willing and able to do whatever is necessary to preserve the relationship, at some point, the worst case scenario will become a reality.  Yes, this is very bad; it hurts like a son-of-a-bitch and that’s putting it mildly… but you both can survive this if both of you are willing and able to work toward the loftier goal of remaining in love with each other and moving forward together.

How do I know it can be done?  I did it so, yeah, it can be done.  I know that not everyone can do it and, no, I can’t begin to tell you exactly how incredibly difficult  it can be to get it done.  You have to decide what you’re willing to do for love and, yeah, sometimes, you have to be bold and daring and create your own special box to live in and one that will allow things to get fixed and in whatever way that has to take shape.  No, it’s not letting someone get away with something nor is effecting repairs a thing of being weak-minded or any other bullshit you might hear about this because it takes a great measure of strength to want to make things right again so that this never happens again; it takes a lot of strength and courage to continue on if you’re the cheater or they are because putting this behind you is so very hard to do and only the strongest people are able to do this and make it work again.

No, I’m not saying that if you are unwilling to make it work, that makes you some kind of weak-assed individual because it also takes strength to walk away from a relationship that cannot be fixed; I just know that it’s easier to walk away and deem the relationship beyond salvage than it is to work together and fix things so that the relationship can continue.  Whatever it was that caused the affair can be fixed… but only if both of you want and need to fix it; if you don’t, well, it is what it is.  See, this is the point where you see the truth about relationships and that once it begins, the work required by both people never, ever stops… and most of the time – and in my opinion, if you can communicate with each other openly and honestly about everything so that you both can keep your fingers on the pulse of the relationship, an affair can be avoided… if, always and forever, you are willing to do whatever is necessary to keep it from happening.  And, really, don’t you both have the responsibility of making sure it never happens to you?

And that’s the real trick of it, huh?  And, yeah, it’s one that most people just can’t figure out.  We cannot really accept any failing we may have – we get into a relationship and then, somehow, stop being human and think ourselves to be immune from our human failings and that a promise to always be faithful is proof against human nature and, yeah, shit just happening because it can.  The truth is very different; it’s harder to accept and believe and our emotions will almost always override our ability to look at this from an intelligent point of view; our ability to be objectively logical becomes impaired and the root cause – and there is always a root cause – stops being important because, well, we’re slaves to our emotions and that will effectively stop us from keeping our eyes on the bigger prize – to make the relationship continue to work as needed.

Eh, I know most of the people reading this aren’t going to agree and that’s fine – I gots no problem with that because you gotta do what you feel you gotta do.  I’m just the guy who’s telling you that if you want to survive this and continue to prosper, it can be done…

If you both want to.  I can tell you from personal experience with this that it can be done it wasn’t easy to do by any stretch of the imagination because the changes it took were hard to put into place on both sides of this situation.  But if you believe in the power of love, yeah, you can survive it and prosper.  It’s not about fault or blame; it’s not about forgetting and/or forgiving; it’s really about really knowing that you’re both human and, as such, imperfect.  Here’s the thing:  If you know that you are human and, thus, imperfect, how can you expect someone else to be perfect in all things?  Aren’t they human as well?  There’s a logic behind all of this if you can get past your emotions and see what the real deal is; the sad truth, though, is a lot of us cannot see past our emotions so the the logic escapes us and when it does, we never see what we can do to fix and survive this very human behavior.  No, not everyone cheats – that’s proven but once again, it’s not that cheating happens – it’s what you do after and if it does that really matters and, well, we know what most people do, don’t we?

Okay, y’all can start disagreeing with me now if ya want to…

 

Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: On the Down Low

https://foreverdreamingoflove.wordpress.com/2015/01/22/men-on-the-down-low/

Those of you interested in this topic should take a peek at what Forever wrote about this and, of course, the comments made (including my own).  Man, this is such a hot-button topic, ain’t it?  For those people who have that unshakable belief in monogamy, married or otherwise hooked up, the DL shouldn’t exist at all and that they should be all you will ever need, both emotionally and physically.

The truth, however, is somewhat different and I’ll say this right up front:  Being totally monogamous does work for a lot of bisexual men and women! But the truth is that it doesn’t always work because a bisexual’s partner just cannot provide for all of their needs and mostly because their partner simply isn’t equipped to do that, never mind being of a mind to be able to do anything about it.

I ain’t saying it’s right… but I understand it.  Forever provided some links that give tips and clues to figure out if someone’s on the DL and while I don’t doubt that such information would be helpful to some, I don’t think that it’s the thing they should be paying the most attention to:  They should be paying attention to why their man or woman is on the DL and, nope, sexuality ain’t the only reason why they’re there.

Now, should a bisexual let their partner know that they’re bisexual?  Yes, they should… and then be prepared to deal with whatever happens after they do.  I was just told that some women don’t care that their man is bi and, yep, there are men who don’t care if their woman likes women as long as their sexual activities are confined to them alone.  Having said that, there are still many men and women who would just lose their fucking minds to find out that the person they’re with is bisexual and this ain’t a good thing by any stretch of the imagination.

You can’t really “blame” them because monogamy and heterosexuality are what they are; it’s the way we’re supposed to live, love, and relate… which still never, ever, changes the fact that this ain’t always what happens.  You’re not supposed to cheat or even think about it; likewise, there’s never supposed to be a reason for anyone to hit the DL and when it happens, there is absolutely and positively no excuse for going there.  And if you believe that,  I’m about to ruin your whole day because what you think is supposed to happen doesn’t always happen and that sexuality doesn’t always play into this.  So while you can’t be blamed for believing this, you might be guilty of being a bit short-sighted if you can’t get your head around how such shit can happen and, you betcha, you could be the reason why it’s happening.

So… why do people cheat?  Some people just cannot be monogamous – they really and truly just don’t have what it takes to be monogamous and whether you feel this is good or bad is something I’ll leave up to you.  I’ve come to understand that people cheat when they feel that their needs are not being taken care of as they expect them to be and, hell, no, it is never what you think regarding their needs.  It’s rather simple (and not so much):  If you can’t give me what I need, here are my choices:

1. Dump you and try to find someone who can provide for all of my needs, right now and in the foreseeable future.
2. Sacrifice that which I need in favor of maintaining my relationship with you and not giving you a reason to be totally pissed with me.
3. Do something about that which you either won’t or cannot do and, hopefully, without fucking everything up in the process.
4. Try to convince you to let me have my cake and eat it, too.

Monogamy only allows the first two choices and the third, well, don’t even think about invoking option number three, right?  I state, and probably to the dismay of my followers, that which I see is a hard-coded fact:  If I want to suck a dick, my woman doesn’t have one and, fuck no, sucking on a fake dick ain’t cutting it, which returns me back to those choices I just mentioned and, honestly, none of those choices are really what I’d call good ones, except maybe the fourth one… and let me know how that one worked for you.

Cara, a commenter on the aforementioned blog, said that being up front about your sexuality is important and, yep, I’d readily agree with that… but don’t a lot of us know what usually happens when we tell people that we like pussy and dick?  Honesty might be the best policy… but the truth will set you free and in ways you’d probably not want to experience; it might unburden your soul (which is what that saying really means) but it can also free you from your relationship, too, because let’s face it:  Not everyone reacts or responds in a positive way about bisexuality.  You can come clean with your man or woman and they can be very positive about it and, hopefully, this revelation will not automatically make them paranoid about anything that you’re doing when you’re not with them.

Hopefully, you’re not with someone who will take the fact that you’ve had sex with a man before and assume that you’re still doing it or planning to do it in the future.  Hopefully, you’re not with someone who just isn’t going to lose their fucking mind to (a) find out that you’re not entirely straight or (b) think that your sexuality exists because of them, like, for some reason, you have a reason to not like having sex with them.

Now, um, sometimes, that’s exactly why a bi guy might step out on you and, mostly, because of what you’re not gonna do and, no, it doesn’t matter why you won’t do it and the usual “culprit” in this is the much sought after blowjob.  If a woman refuses to suck her man’s dick and/or won’t suck him off, well, that can be a problem and conventional thinking says that if she can’t or won’t do it, too bad for you, fella – you’re just gonna have to go without that particular pleasure.  I can (again) tell you that I have sucked the dick of many a married (or otherwise) guy simply for that reason alone; I’m not saying it’s right… I just understand it.  I know, because I’ve been there just like most guys, that when you’re with a woman who has a long list of things she ain’t gonna do, that’s a problem and one that, conventionally, we have zero recourse with.  You don’t really fault her in this because most women have a damned good reason for not wanting to do it, just as they have a reason why they might do it on special occasions, like a birthday or anniversary (or if you spent a shitload of money on them).  None of this changes the fact that, yeah, this is a need he might have – and, you’re damned right if you think this is also true about eating pussy – and for some men – and women – it doesn’t take that much of a leap in logic that if you’re not going to do it, someone else will be more than willing and able to do that which you cannot or will not do.

Yep, it sucks… but it is a given that none of us want to accept.  You can maintain and preach about monogamy being the best and only way until you turn blue in the face but, yeah, that your partner could wind up on the DL because you are unable or otherwise incapable of seeing to all of their needs is a stone cold fact of life.  The blog I mentioned was about bisexual men and, sheesh, yep, we’re more known for being on the DL than women are… but if you think women aren’t out there on the DL, well, I’m going to once again ruin your day and tell you that they’re out there, too, and for the same reasons why a bi guy is out there:  If she wants the touch of a woman, homeboy, you ain’t a woman – you are just unqualified to take care of her needs in this and just like men can be, they’re not willing to (a) dump their man or (b) sacrifice their needs or (c) know for a fact that he’s not gonna let her have her cake and eat it, too (or is it pie in this situation?).

I ain’t saying it’s right… I just understand it.  I understand that a bi guy will wind up on the DL not because he doesn’t love his woman or because he doesn’t love having sex with her; it’s because he has a need that she cannot provide for.  Just as there are women who crave the touch of another woman, there are men who have that same craving so it’s not so much about what’s being done than it is who’s doing it and while one can look at the act or acts and think that there’s no difference in play when a woman sucks cock and a man does, I can tell you that there is a difference and it’s not easily explained why it’s different.  There is a difference between sucking dick and eating pussy that’s beyond that which might appear to be obvious and, fuck, I can barely explain it – and I can explain most things most of the time.  I can tell you that the differences live deep within us, that they are both subtle and intangible but they exist just the same and it’s the thing that, at the least, makes me say that a woman can throw all the pussy at me that I can handle – or even more than I can handle – but it cannot replace my need to have another man’s dick in my mouth and vacuuming up all of his spunk.

Is there a way to keep your man or woman off the DL?  Yep… but you’re probably not gonna like it because that solution takes monogamy and flushes it right down the toilet.  Does becoming open enough to allow for one’s sexuality make sense?  Yeah, it does… but the question is always one of how damned likely is that gonna happen?  And because it’s almost too easy to assume that this “pipe dream” wouldn’t happen – and it usually doesn’t – you’re right back to those choices that aren’t exactly what even I’d call ideal.  So, now, you know that your guy or gal is bisexual and they’re not allowed to do anything about their other needs… um, what do you think is gonna happen next?

For some, hitting the DL is “automatic” but for most people, it actually takes some time before the decision to do this is made.  What you now have to deal with is someone with some serious needs that are not being met and even objected to (I should be all that you will ever need!) and now a seed of discontent has been planted and more so if the person objecting is what I’d call rabidly homophobic or has that fanatical belief in monogamy.  For a period of time, it can be ignored but they know it’s there and the longer this doesn’t get taken care of, the bigger that seed will grow… and now you have a very unhappy person on your hands and there’s just no telling what they’re gonna do about it.  They could do nothing except keep being frustrated and depressed about not having that need met (or having their sexuality trashed, vilified, or otherwise discounted) or they could say, “Fuck it and fuck you – I’m leaving!” but since that might not be the best thing for their overall situation, um, exactly what do you think they might choose to do?

If you believe, deep down in your heart of hearts, that you are all that anyone should ever need, consider this a wakeup call because, um, you just might find out the hard way that you aren’t and can’t be – nothing personal.  As I’ve said so very often, if you have a very long list of things you’re not gonna do for your man or woman – and no matter how badly they need it – well, take a guess at what might happen other than them dumping you.  If you think that being in a relationship with them is about your idea of being in a relationship more than what their idea is, you might have a potential problem on your hands.  If you think that being in a relationship is about your needs more than theirs, ditto.  And, like it or not, believe it or not, it is very fucking true that if you don’t or can’t take care of your man or woman, someone else can and will do it for you… and then send them back to you happier than you could have made them.

I don’t condone it; I’m not saying that it’s right for someone to go on the DL when they’re in a relationship:  I just understand it.  See, when you get your partner concerned more about “me” than “us” you’re gonna probably have a DL problem or you’re gonna find yourself all by yourself.  I’m not saying that one shouldn’t believe in monogamy and hold true to all that it means, but I am telling you even when your partner wants to spend the rest of their life with you, monogamy is never going to take care of all of their needs and you won’t be able to do it even if you swore before God Himself to do just that and if you did take that oath, you pretty much just perjured yourself, huh?  You might believe that they should give up those desires you’re incapable of taking care of – or unwilling to take care of – and I’m here to tell you the truth that you don’t want to accept, that being, there are some people who aren’t going to do that and sexuality be damned because, at least in my opinion (and I might be alone in this), Rule Number One – look after your own ass first – doesn’t ever get revoked.

It’s not that your man or woman is on the DL as much as it is why they are there.  You might be the reason; their sexuality might be the reason; shit and damn, they could be there because they believe they have the right to be there when you’re not giving them enough of what you have to offer.  The devil isn’t in the act, as much as we’d like to believe; nope, the devil is very much in the detail.  For some, it is better to beg forgiveness than to ask permission and more so when, in a monogamous situation, you aren’t very damned likely to get permission and the only “permission” you might receive is to be single again.

I ain’t saying it’s right or that it always happens or could happen when you’re hitched to a bisexual.

I just understand it.

 

The Affair

I would suppose that, in the minds of some, I’m not really all that nice of a person because I cheated on my wife and for the most stupid of reasons:  She cheated on me first.  Today, I wouldn’t even go there but back then, it seemed like a good thing to do before I found out that it wasn’t… but let me tell you what happened…

I began to suspect that something wasn’t right; every time I wanted sex from my wife, she had a boatload of excuses, from being tired to telling me she was too tender for sex due to her underwear chafing her.  None of her excuses made sense – well, not completely – but the excuses were coming at times where shit just didn’t add up, if you know what I mean.  Even back then, I knew that what you suspected was one thing and that what you could prove was very different… and I had a great deal of suspicion and zero proof.  This went on for a while and when we did have sex, her behavior was more than suspect; see, women think that they can have sex with someone else and their man would never find out and probably because most guys aren’t that observant and they don’t know what to look for but I figured it out, letting my observations build up until I had enough “probable cause” to confront her with my suspicions.

Oh, hell, yeah, she categorically denied that she was doing something wrong but I leaned on her, hammering her with my suspicions and observations until she folded like a wet paper towel and confessed that she had been fucking other men behind my back.  I was surprisingly calm; any other guy having his suspicions confirmed would, sadly, beaten his woman unmercifully.  Oh, I was pissed to no end but not to the point where I was going to start hitting on her; for one, my mother raised me better than that and, for the other, while this was a very bad situation, it wasn’t worth going to jail for.  I sat and listened to the details of her infidelity because I really wanted to know why she felt the need to do this and, of course, if I had anything to do with her decisions in this.  Oh, shit, yeah, it was hard to listen to but I knew I had to hear all of it… and I did… and I was already plotting my revenge.

I eventually learned a lesson that a lot of people learn:  The way to deal with this situation isn’t going out and committing a revenge fuck; not only does that actually compound the issue but the only situation where two wrongs make a right is in mathematics.  Even though something in the back of my mind was pointing this out to me, fuck no – I’d been cheated on and, worse, it wasn’t even because of anything I did or didn’t do so, uh-huh, was I ever gonna teach her a lesson and give her an idea of how ugly a feeling it is!  Before she even finished talking about what she had done to me – and to us as a whole – I not only knew what I was going to do, I knew exactly who I was going to do it with – all I had to do was put it all in motion and, of course, pick the right moment for my revenge.

The woman I picked to help me exact my revenge was one who made no bones about the fact that if I wasn’t married, she’d fuck me nine ways to Sunday and all I had to do was go to her and say, “Hey, do you remember telling me that if you had the chance, you’d fuck me?”

She said, “Yeah… and I meant that shit, too!”

I said, “Well, here’s your chance!”

She was out of her clothes so fast that I was kinda surprised she didn’t hurt herself in the process and once I got undressed, it was on.  In retrospect, it was weird; I knew what I was thinking but, at the same time, I don’t know what I was thinking about.  I was angry and I had even asked myself whether or not I was about to fuck this woman just because I was angry but, nope, there was some lust – okay, a lot of lust – for her as well and I knew – or I thought I knew – that because I wanted to fuck her and my lust for her was genuine, that took my being angry and set it aside… which, of course, it didn’t but I couldn’t see that at the time; my need for revenge was blinding me to a great many things, things that would be revealed in short order.

We went from kissing each other as if our lives depended on it to going down on each other and, yeah, I can easily admit that it was damned good, from the way her pussy tasted and the way she came so easily right down to the way she sucked my dick, sucking it like she wasn’t afraid of sucking dick, as evidenced by the way she made me explode in her mouth even though I had the presence of mind to warn her that I was gonna lose it.  Not only did she make me lose it, she didn’t stop sucking me until I was good and hard again.

But after I busted that first nut, there was something… ugly and sickly poking around in my mind; it was telling me that I just fucked up big time but, honestly, while I was aware of this, I wasn’t really paying too much attention to it because she was still sucking my dick and I was still eating the stuffing out that pussy.  She said, “Come on, put it in me, baby!” and I actually wrenched my back a little because of how fast I got into position to enter her and, whew, my dick slid into her like a hot knife through butter; she gasped, I gasped, and we were humping away at each other like it was illegal.

Which was when my mind said to me, “Well, it is illegal – what the fuck are you doing?  You know you shouldn’t be doing this!”  I started to get a really sick feeling in my stomach that was getting harder to ignore; I felt myself shift into some kind of auto-pilot; I was still banging the shit out of that pussy… but now in a very detached way because my conscience succeeded in getting my full attention and I can’t even begin to tell you what it was telling me except to say it kept pointing out how wrong I was and in every way it could imagine – and there were a lot of ways.  I don’t know if she even noticed that something was going on with me; she was too busy having a great deal of fun fucking back at me, cursing lustily with her legs locked tightly around me and her nails digging in to my back; I could feel her pussy contracting around me each time she came and, honestly, she pretty much deafened me with her very loud proclamations that she was cumming.  Between my second wind and the utterly horrible feeling swirling around in my head, I wasn’t even close to busting a nut in her – in fact, my conscience was suggesting strongly that I just stop and go no further but, ah, I don’t know, that just didn’t seem right, if that makes any sense – so I kept going until I finally creamed her… and it felt anything other than good.

I’m locked in place by her legs and arms; my cock is still twitching and shit even as it starts to shrink inside her; she’s telling me how much she enjoyed fucking me and other nice things… and the only thing I could think of was, “What the fuck did you just do?”  I felt so sick to my stomach it wasn’t funny; my conscience didn’t help matters any, either, taking the moment to remind me that, uh, you probably got this woman pregnant and then showing me all the fucked up shit that would cause.  I finally withdrew and we cleaned up and got dressed; I was listening to just how pumped up she was and the more she talked about how good the sex was, the sicker I felt because I was now fully aware of the fact that I just used this woman to do something that I shouldn’t have done in the first place and, yeah, there’s a reason why they say the following things:  Revenge is a dish best served cold and when you’re plotting revenge, first, dig two graves.

The guilt was hammering me like a Cat 5 hurricane; it was consuming me so hard that I wanted to throw up.  I couldn’t wait to leave her and head home and, honestly, I don’t know how I managed to tell her that I had one hell of a time with her and not sound fake in doing so; my mind was so fucked up that I even agreed to get with her again the next day for more of the same – and my conscience took that as another reason to kick my ass even harder.  I don’t think I got too far from her crib before I was bending over and throwing up all over the sidewalk; I even had a “funny” moment in thinking that anyone who saw me yakking all over the street (and myself) would think that I had had too much to drink.  I eventually got my shit together enough to make it home; thanks to my well-executed plan, I knew my wife wouldn’t be home so it was no biggie for me to get cleaned up and to start the load of clothes that were waiting to be washed.  But that also meant that I had time to think about what I’d done and if I had anything left to throw up, I would have done just that as my guilt beat me like the proverbial redheaded stepchild… until I asked myself, “What the fuck do I have to feel guilty over?”

The self-justification process kicked in and the simple – and very stupid – reply that came back was, “I wouldn’t have done this if she hadn’t done it first!  She betrayed me – she betrayed us and everything marriage stood for!  All I did was get even!”  Yep, for a guy as smart as I was, I was also pretty stupid, too – but it would be a few years in the future before I’d fully realize just how stupid that justification was.  Later that evening, when my wife got back home and the kids were put to bed, we made love (or fucked, take your pick) and I didn’t have that triumphant feeling I thought I’d have, you know that, “Hah!  You have no idea what I was doing while you were gone!” kind of thing.  Still, my revenge wasn’t complete because stage two of my exquisite plot was to tell her what I had done and why I had done it… but, first, I had to go get more of that pussy because I stupidly promised I’d come back and get some more of it.

And I did, too; truth be told, it was even better than it was the first time and more so when she wanted me to pull out of her pussy and finish in her ass.  And I was into the sex with her… but not really; I knew that the only reason why I was in bed with her was because I told her I’d be there… when I shouldn’t have said that, but my mind was totally out to lunch when I agreed to fuck her again… oh, man, what a mess this is turning out to be! After the second go-round, she finally got around to asking me what made me remind her that she wanted to fuck me – and I told her why; I actually thought she’d get pissed off with me to learn that she was a tool for my revenge… but she wasn’t pissed – in fact, she was damned sympathetic and even said, “Man, that’s so fucked up – but I ain’t complaining ’cause I finally got to fuck you!” – then gave me a rather nice blow job to take home with me.

My conscience was fucking with me… but not as badly as it had the day before; it was time to put Phase 2 into action and tell my wife what I’d done and why I did it.  On the one hand, I just couldn’t wait to see the look on her face when I told her, to see the hurt and pain eating into her, just like it did to me; I couldn’t wait to blast her ass with my reasons for cheating and to let her know that it was her cheating that brought all of this about.  Oh, this was going to be so fucking sweet that I was practically bouncing off the walls with anticipation; she had hurt me and I was mere moments away from hurting her right back…

My telling her had the expected results; I had her in tears as soon as I told her that I had fucked “P,” and it was even sweeter since she knew “P;” oh, lawd, she was beyond furious and I was all kinds of rotten motherfuckers and, yep, I was actually enjoying her discomfiture and even said, as she was throwing shit all over the place, “Now you know how I felt, huh?”  But as I sat there watching her have the hissy fit to end all hissy fits, it wasn’t all that enjoyable any longer; I’d hurt her, to be sure, but I found that there was really no pleasure to be had and I started feeling rather lousy about it.  She finally wore herself out ranting and raving and, as she sat and cried, I found myself thinking about all the ways I could have – and should have – handled this without compounding the problem by doing what she did; I even asked myself why I didn’t think about these alternatives before I exacted my revenge?

When she looked at me and said, “I don’t know why I deserved to be treated like this!” I pretty much went totally ape-shit – but got a grip on myself quickly and answered her statement with, “What, did you really think you were going to do something like this and I wasn’t going to do something about it?  Would you have preferred that I did what other motherfuckers would have done and put your ass in the hospital?”

She didn’t have anything to say about that other than to say, “I’m sorry;” I said I was sorry, too, but kinda/sorta not really; I was now fully aware that I shouldn’t have done what she did but you know how it is:  Once you do something, you cannot undo it… and the pussy was good despite the circumstances that allowed me to get it.  My wife asked me if I was going to keep fucking “P” and I said, “That depends on you; if you’re gonna keep giving it up to other dudes, then I don’t see where you leave me much choice in the matter unless you wanna get divorced…”

Well, she didn’t want that to happen and, truth be told, neither did I.  A very uncomfortable silence descended upon us as we both thought about all of this; I knew I was thinking a whole lot of shit and, in that moment, I wasn’t sure what she was thinking so I was surprised when she finally said, “Let’s go to bed…” and, as you might expect, we had some hellified sex and, man, it was so weird because as we went at each other like it was our first time together, we were both talking about how good and/or bad the other people we had fucked were.  I remember lying in bed afterward, totally and completely sated and watching my wife snoring away and thinking why shit had to get to this point; I thought about all the things that could have – and somehow should have – taken place so that (1) she wouldn’t have felt the need (or been so gullible, by her own admission) to cheat on me and (2) I wouldn’t have had that knee-jerk reaction to respond in kind.  I lay awake with the sure knowledge that I did not want to go through this again… but also with the knowledge that, yeah, I had fun fucking “P”… but I shouldn’t have had fun; I shouldn’t have further broken the rules just because she did.  I wound up staying awake all night because thinking about this whole thing gave me such a headache that nothing I wound up taking could touch.

The next couple of days were business as usual… but not really; there was a tension between us that hadn’t gotten any better… but it hadn’t gotten any worse; I knew that something had to be said about it so that I/we would know what our next steps would be or if we were going to last long enough to have any next steps.  We finally started talking about it again and it became clear to me after a few more days of talking that the next time someone came along and enticed her out of her panties, she wasn’t going to tell them no for very long and I told her this, too, because it was the truth as I was beginning to understand it and even when she said that it wouldn’t happen again, I could hear in her voice that she wasn’t very confident.  The situation had a devastating effect on us – not even any doubts about that – but instead of building a wall between us, it opened the door for other illicit pleasures and instead of us looking at it as rule breaking, it was more like we were in the beginning stages of making our own rules.

Today, I look back in-depth at that moment and wonder about my behavior (more than hers); I can recall the sheer rage and fury I felt to have my suspicions confirmed and the evil laughter taking place in my mind as I plotted my revenge.  In a way, I’m kinda ashamed of myself because I didn’t once stop to think about whether or not my revenge could make a bad situation worse, that I thought – and like a lot of people in this situation might think – that an eye for an eye was the best way to handle the situation.  I could and should have been smarter but that doesn’t change the fact that I wasn’t and, given how things turned out later, maybe it was a good thing that I wasn’t as smart as I should and could have been although I knew that violence wasn’t the answer, that’s for damned sure.  I used to sit and wonder how things might have been different had I not reacted the way I did… but I gave up trying to work it out because the stark reality had already set in and there was no sense is trying to believe that things would have turned out better – but knowing that they could have been a lot worse.

Sometimes, life really is a bitch and some of the lessons life teaches you can be rather harsh… but as you’ve seen me write hundreds of times, it’s not that you make mistakes – it’s what you do about it that, ultimately, will make all the difference in the world.  And things, it seems, always happen for a reason…

Gotta check on dinner now… see ya!

 

Top Searches: Bisexual Cheating… Again

The Top Searches widget on my Dashboard had been silent for a while and when it did decide to come back to life, it said, “bisexual cheating” and I thought, “Hey, didn’t I write something about that a while ago?”  Come to find out that not only did I write about that, I wrote about it twice, “way” back in 2012 and earlier this year:  https://kdaddy23.wordpress.com/2012/08/30/bisexual-cheating/ and https://kdaddy23.wordpress.com/2014/01/23/bisexual-cheating-revisited/

Seeing this again, I wondered what else can be said about this that hasn’t already been said?  All I can really do is reiterate some stuff, beginning with the kinda obvious fact that being bisexual and in a relationship isn’t always the best situation to be in and that, having said that, bisexuals can be quite happy being in a relationship.  I can say again that cheating, as a whole, isn’t a confined thing and that means that anyone regardless of race, color, creed, religion, or sexuality could cheat if it served their purpose to do so.  But since the stereotype exists that bisexuals can’t be faithful in a relationship, it gives being bisexual more of a black eye because, as they say, we can’t seem to make up our minds about who we want to have some kind of a relationship – and “who” means men or women.

I can repeat that people cheat when their needs are not being met by the person they’re in a relationship – this is the part that makes infidelity a universal kind of thing because we should all know by now that monogamy mandates that if you’re in a relationship with someone, then you are expected and demanded to let that person take care of all of your needs; likewise, the person you’re with is also tasked with the same responsibility and monogamy isn’t a fan of change, i.e., when a person’s needs change, monogamy can’t account for the fact that a person’s needs can change beyond their partner’s ability to accommodate them and when that happens, well, you’re stuck unless you do one of several things:  Keep having your needs unfulfilled and stay with all the unhappiness this brings to the table; you can dissolve the relationship and throw away all that’s been invested in it; you can try to convince your partner to change the rules or otherwise modify their thoughts or behaviors so that your needs can be met (usually in exchange for something of equal or greater value); or you can cheat… and then hope you don’t get busted.

I can frown (but you didn’t see me do it) at the fact that people just assume that if you find yourself with a bisexual, they’re gonna cheat on you as a matter of course, like bisexuals have no other agenda than to cheat.  While most people abhor cheating, I’ve seen situations where the only thing the “offended” partner focuses on is the fact that they got cheated on and little focus is given to why their partner cheated on them.  Now, understanding the why of this doesn’t make it right; it doesn’t provide justification for such an immoral act and, usually, even when the why of it gets explained fully, it’s not gonna get you a “get out of jail free” card and your relationship, such as it was, will come to an early demise.

Everyone and regardless of their sexuality, gets stuck in a quandary:  They’re pretty sure that the person they’re getting into a relationship with can and will take care of their needs, just as they’re pretty sure of their ability to take care of their new partner’s needs… and then they find out that it ain’t happening because, for some reason, when you get into a relationship and you get past the honeymoon parts of it, shit changes and not always for the better and sex is usually the first victim of change, as in the lack thereof or a lack of quality or quantity or a change in “services required and rendered.”  Yes, people do try to work through these things while others, eh, they might not be so interested in putting in that level of detailed work and more so since “weaknesses” that weren’t visible before the relationship began will now be exposed and who likes having their inadequacies tossed into their face?

You can try to work things out; you can choose not to do the required work to effect change – or you can choose not to change at all – and just try to be happy with what you’re getting (and if you’re getting anything at all at this point)… or you can, as a whole lot of people have done over time, say,  “Fuck this – I’m gonna get what I need someplace else!” and, well, you know how that usually turns out.  None of this is different from what a bisexual in a relationship might have to deal with but with one exception:  If they choose, need, or want to cheat, they can do so with someone who is the same sex as they are instead of cheating in the “conventional” sense.  That our long-standing morality says that a man should never want the touch of another man or that a woman should never want the touch of another woman doesn’t change the fact that wanting this ‘different’ touch does happen and, no, not everyone is aware of this before getting into a relationship – some people do find out after the fact but this really isn’t the main point in this:  The main point is that some people like pussy and dick (and not necessarily in that order).

People who have never had the craving for the same sex really don’t understand how powerful an urge it can be and by this I mean they can’t understand it from a bisexual’s point of view because they’re not bisexual so this craving is quite foreign to them… but not so dissimilar from having that craving for some new pussy or some new cock if you’re straight or gay.  We know that there are people out there who just cannot be monogamous – it’s just beyond their abilities.  Most people are fine with monogamy… right up to the point where their needs are not being met and then some action has to be taken and, yep, if they’ve tried to work it out between them but they don’t want to break up and they still aren’t having their needs met, guess what might happen?

I can only reinforce the plain and simple fact that sexuality, such as it is, isn’t the alpha and omega of cheating and just because some bisexuals have cheated on their partners, it does not mean that all bisexuals are going to cheat.  Yep, I’ve seen some numbers that say that bisexuals are more likely to cheat than heterosexuals or homosexuals and I’ve wondered where they got those numbers from, just like I’ve wondered if this is being aimed at bisexuals and to draw attention away from the fact that heterosexuals and homosexuals are just as capable of cheating?

For us, if we cheat, it’s because we need something that our partner couldn’t possibly provide for us, i.e., if “Cynthia” needs pussy to complete her requirements for her overall happiness right along with cock, her man – “Evan” – doesn’t have a pussy so he’s totally incapable of giving her what she needs and, as such, automatically fails to take care of that need for her.  Of course, conventional thinking says that “Cynthia” shouldn’t want or have any other needs and that “Evan” would be well within his rights to hand “Cynthia” her head for having the nerve to want some pussy when the rule is she should be happy with just “Evan’s” dick.  There’s even a weird double standard at play here, like, if “Cynthia” were to cheat on “Evan” with her new girlfriend, “Brenda,” well, hmm, some would say that “Cynthia” didn’t cheat because there’s no other man involved and, besides, don’t girls just do this anyway so it’s really no big deal?  Ah, but if “Evan” were to go out and suck some guy’s dick or otherwise have sexual congress with another man, well, ain’t he the most rottenest bastard of a cheat imaginable?

But I greatly digress.  The bottom line is that cheating isn’t the sole purview of bisexuals; if someone has a reason to cheat – and they think they can get away with it – then they’re gonna do it.  They say bisexuals are greedy… but anyone who cheats is someone who wants more than what they’re getting in and from their relationship so how is it that a bisexual is greedy… but someone who isn’t bisexual can’t be just as “greedy?”

Some thoughts on this subject – again – and for whoever was searching for this…