Three days ago, Oceanswater asked this question in response to my “TBT: Do What You Gotta Do” scribble:
“My question is concerning “cheating,” and do married men and women that you’ve heard from consider the fact that they, just like heterosexuals are still cheating on his/her spouse?”
Cheating is one of those things that crosses any boundary you can throw in front of it. It is the bane of any relationship, the “threat” that hangs over one’s head, the one thing no one wants to happen to them and/or their relationship as well as something that makes us so paranoid that some folks get into their head that their new partner is gonna cheat on them at some point and they’re paying more attention to this than they are anything else – usually not a good thing since, in this, you’re guilty of doing something that you might not even be thinking about.
Bisexuals in relationships are, in my opinion and in my experience, in the worst possible situation imaginable, whether they’re married or not – we hold unmarried couples to the same rules and standards that married people are held to by law. Now, before I really get into this, let’s get one thing straight: Not all bisexuals are gonna cheat on their partner so that bullshit about bisexuals not being able to commit to anything and stay committed is just that – bullshit.
Having said that, yes – some bisexuals do cheat and, yes, there are some who actually believe – or want to believe – that just because they’re engaging in some same-sex action, it’s not cheating when in fact, it is and anyone who thinks it isn’t, well, I just don’t know why they would. Classically, it’s that thing where “Jane” finds out that her man has been bonking another woman and, in his defense, he says something like, “I didn’t fuck her! All she did was suck my dick!”
Yeah, right… like that ever works even when it’s the truth, right?
We hold true that no one should ever have a reason to cheat and that, really, there is no reason for it – it’s just inexcusable… and that’s some pie-in-the-sky crap and obvious so since, um, people do cheat. When one gets busted for this, the person who got busted can try to explain why they did what they did until they lose their voice and nothing – nothing – they’re gonna say will be accepted as a legitimate reason for being unfaithful.
Do bisexuals know that even if they get with another man/woman that they are cheating? Yeah, they do know and, in most cases, it’s not a decision they made easily or without giving it a lot of thought weighing the pros, cons, and consequences of such an action. They are, however, guilty with reason, Your Honor and while we like to believe that no one has a reason for this, well, that’s kinda insane. Why do people cheat?
Cheating happens when someone’s needs are being ignored or otherwise not being taken care of in the way they think they should be and the needs can be emotional, physical, or both. We also hold true that when two people are in a relationship – married or not – they are supposed to be alpha and omega; all you will ever need and supposed to need is them… except, there’s a fallacy at work here in that you are charging someone to take care of every or any need that they have now and in the unforeseeable future.
Bisexuals get all fucked up behind this… highly improbably and difficult mandate because they find they need something that their partner cannot provide them with, let alone do anything about or, if “Hank” finds that he needs to play with a dick as a part of his sexual needs and satisfaction, his woman, well, she’s a woman and with some exceptions, doesn’t have a dick. Likewise, if “Jane” needs the touch of another woman, there’s ain’t shit a man can do about that since, duh, he’s not a woman (with exceptions again), is he?
That’s a problem and one could argue that no one should ever want to do such a thing, well, that thought is bullshit, too. So there’s some decisions to make and none of them are what I’d call good ones. Obviously, the first decision is to not do a damned thing about getting what you need, obey the rules and stand pat even though it leaves one open to being frustrated, depressed, irritable and a few other things that will manifest themselves – right away or over time – and lend themselves to fucking up the relationship.
One can avoid being “stuck in place” with this by dissolving the relationship freeing themselves from that “keep only unto yourself” thing that, again, is mandated even for unmarried couples… except, that’s not always a smart thing to do and more so when, outside of this issue, there’s nothing wrong with the relationship – it’s like throwing the baby out with the bath water, if you will.
One could ask for permission to get that which they need and that which their partner can’t or, realistically, won’t provide… and good luck with that one. It is to note that some can ask for permission and get it and with the understanding that it comes with a price or what’s good for the goose and all that but “Jane” going to her man and asking for his permission to be able to ravage some woman’s daughter might not go over well and sometimes not even if the guy thinks that two girls getting it on is hot and sexy; it’s okay for two other women to be like this but, damn it, not his woman because all she should ever need is his dick.
The first thing, well, many aren’t of a mind to put this kind of destructive stress on themselves; the second thing can also be quite undesirable and the third thing is so highly unlikely that most folks won’t even bother to ask and just assume the answer is going to be no even though, realistically, if you don’t ask, you really don’t know that your partner is going to reject it but, yeah, that’s what usually happens so why ask, right?
What’s left? Oh, that’s right – cheating. See, no matter how you feel about this subject, no one ever cheats without a reason and sometimes that reason is “shit happens” which, yup, we don’t believe should ever happen even though we know it does; Mr. Murphy is just an asshole like that. The key thing here is that “Hank” can have quite a few reasons to step to the side so he can get some dick and none of them will make sense to the person asking him why he did that and even to the extent that the dreaded, “Yeah, but…” can often make an appearance.
People are always asking how cheating can be avoided or prevented and I can think of two ways right off the top of my head. One is never get into a relationship and the other is to eliminate all possible reasons for cheating or, simply, whatever your partner needs, if you can’t provide it personally, make sure they can get what they need so that everyone involved can be happy and fulfilled and more so when one of the unspoken and, perhaps, even implied tenets of monogamy is that you should be willing and able to do anything for your partner’s happiness – with some exceptions like, um, no, you’re not gonna go out and kill someone or a few other patently ridiculous things.
How many of you reading this would be willing to do either of these two things? And if you’re thinking that you wouldn’t do either thing, now you know why some people cheat. I’m not saying it’s right or wrong – I’m just telling you what I’ve learned about this and that it’s not always about what’s being done but why it is. I’ve spent a lot of time analyzing all of the whys I’ve come across and, yeah, some of them even make me roll my eyes but the key thing here is why is a subjective thing, again, something that makes sense to one person but won’t make sense to someone hearing it.
Like, classically, “Hank” steps to the side to get sucked off because his woman either stopped doing it or won’t. Hank knows, even via rumor, that while there are women who’d happily drain his nuts like that, it’s highly conditional and complicated… but there are guys who’d empty his nuts orally and with great and unfettered glee, no strings attached and even without reciprocation. Hank either has a “shit happens” moment or, fuck, he decides he needs to have this done for him (that’s his first mistake in the minds of many) and it’s that important to him that he hooks up with a guy for that.
“Hank” gets busted or outed and now he’s gotta deal with a very pissed off woman who, of course, wants to know why and he can tell her, “Because you won’t do it…” and his reason is unacceptable because, of course, she doesn’t have to if she doesn’t want to and you can’t make her do it.
You see the problem in this, don’t you? Our boy “Hank,” in the minds of many, is wrong and in a lot of categories, just as “Jane” would be just as wrong for wanting and needing something that her man cannot give her. We just accept that it’s easier to beg forgiveness than to ask permission and because it is, not that one is going to be forgiven.
And if you do, in fact, see the problem and are thinking, “Yeah, but…” what are you really saying? That what you believe in always trumps the reality of life? It seems to me that it’s kinda… insane to say that someone does, in fact, have a plausible or reasonable excuse for cheating… and tell them that despite this, they shouldn’t have done it because it’s not ever supposed to be done. Or to assume that because you wouldn’t have a reason to be unfaithful means that no one should ever have a reason for it – but, okay, sure, if “Hank” stepped to the side, you can see why he did.
Or, “Yeah, but…” You can, if you care to, try to rake me over the coals on this one but I gotta tell you that you’re just wasting your time because I’m the guy who’s telling you something and maybe even something you’d rather not want to know about. People cheat; infidelity is an equal opportunity kind of thing that can affect anyone at any time, regardless of shit like sexuality, marital status, whatever. I know why people cheat and, yeah, I’ll even tell you that some people cheat because they can’t get their heads around being monogamous and that there are social scientists who are tossing it out there that being monogamous is an unnatural thing for humans to do so if ya wanna bitch at someone about this, go bitch at them and if you are bitching about it – and thinking about tarring and feathering me for having the audacity to scribble about it, could it be you’re riffing because there could be some truth to this… but a truth you’re unwilling to accept?
There is always the way things are supposed to be… then there’s the way things really are. We’re not supposed to cheat or otherwise be unfaithful… doesn’t ever change the fact that it happens. Maybe you wouldn’t do it, which is all well and good, noble, and moral; doesn’t mean someone would never have a reason to even if that reason only makes sense to them.
Still the guy who’ll tell you this whether you agree or not. You don’t have to but if you ever really wanted to know why – and most people really don’t wanna know why – now you have an idea why. I’m just the messenger and, nope, it does not reflect my own, personal views on this.