Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: What Others Are Writing

So, now that I’m back to paying attention to the bisexual tag I put in place way back in the beginning of my blogging adventure, I read quite a few of the writings associated with the tag and it is so interesting to see what others are writing, from pieces that read like a master degree thesis to some where the author is baring their soul as they either rejoice in their bisexuality or how being bi is affecting them in some not-so-good ways.

I saw a lot of LGBTQ+ writings that either support Pride… or lambastes the organization for their lack of attention where bisexuals are concerned; I saw quite a few about coming out, from talking about the pros and cons from a theoretical point of view to others who wrote about their coming out and the results, including those who felt it was better to let their sexuality be on a need to know basis.

I saw one post where someone was trying to say something about dating bisexuals and even though I read it twice, I couldn’t get the gist of what the author was trying to say but, apparently, the author is of a mind that dating a bisexual is somehow different from dating anyone else which, just saying, I know that it isn’t. What I know is that people react differently when they find out their date is bisexual – and provided they even knew this when the date was set up. So I wasn’t quite sure what the author was trying to say but they said it and I read it and that was that.

One writing from, I think, a woman, was about three things she hears from people about her being bisexual. One was, “Whatever…;” another was, “You’re going to hell!” and the third was about threesomes – yeah, what a surprise, huh? – and she pretty much wrote about how silly people are about bisexual women. She did say that she does enjoy threesomes… and threesomes with two bi guys because she thinks it’s pretty damned hot to see two guys going at each other and giving her some attention.

It made me think of how many times in my life I’ve heard these three things and it makes a very pointed example of how the clueless rhetoric I grew up with is still being bandied about today; it still continues to amaze me how this is happening and in a time where we consider ourselves more enlightened but since this crap is still around, maybe we’re not as enlightened as we want to think.

There was the anticipated psychobabble which I always find interesting to see people who try to put an overly intellectual spin on being bisexual and a spin that, at times, doesn’t make a lot of sense but I’m not really all that surprised that some bisexual really do have a problem trying to describe and/or explain their being bisexual and opt to do it in a not-so-simple way and, perhaps, they’re of a mind that just saying, “I’m bisexual!” either isn’t going to really explain it or they feel they’re gonna be subjected to external opinions of what “I’m bisexual!” means to them…

And not so much what it means to the bisexual in question. Which, all by itself, can be pretty interesting and more so when the person offering up their opinion about bisexuality aren’t bisexual and, at best, they might know someone who is but, still, whatever comes out of their mouth will be more opinion than fact – it’s what they think and not really what they know.

Like, what I think about homosexuals is one thing and what I know about those I’ve come in contact with is something else. See, what really happens is we almost put a difference in place and, I think, so our brains can process it better. “Jules” is a bisexual or homosexual guy and there are two different thoughts going on – one is that he’s bi or gay and the other is what is known about him as a person… and the two things sometimes tends to clash because we also tend to have our thoughts about bi or homosexuality and have a different take on the person.

Or like how a lot of bisexuals are of a mind that they’re living two different lives when the truth and reality is, um, you’re only living one life and the only thing that has changed is how you might want to have sex.

I see what others are writing and think about my own perspective as a bisexual who’s been around for a few minutes and I’m not sure what to make of it. I see rhetoric that was as old as dirt when I first heard it decades ago; I see how some folks are just confused about being bisexual but that’s understandable because most bisexuals learn to be bisexual via on the job training or they learn whatever they need to know by word of mouth and, yeah, sometimes, signing onto the “for bisexuals” website and finding out what other bisexuals are doing.

People struggle with the ethical issues and since we, as a whole, still pitch a bitch over anyone who isn’t heterosexual, of course this struggle is going to be put in place because of this prevailing mindset… and not all bisexuals get around to figuring out that they’re struggling over… nothing. Despite what ethics and morals has to say about it, we determine our own paths in life and, yeah, sometimes, everyone has reason to deviate from ethics and morals but, hopefully, not outrageously so. Still, it’s up to each and every one of us to determine how we’re going to live our lives and in every aspect that calls for and, yep, having sex is a pretty big aspect and, nope, being straight or gay aren’t the only options.

It’s the thing that makes a lot of bisexuals say, “If God (or their deity of choice) didn’t mean for me to be like this, I wouldn’t be like this!” It also makes them say that they’ve “talked with God” about this and He/She is okay with it… so they’re okay with it. Conflict resolved; now it’s all about crumbling cookies – or not – whatever’s gonna work for how they wanna live their lives.

It’s all very interesting to me even when I remove my own perspectives and just be an observer but when I put them back, I still think that we make this harder and more complicated than it has to be… but we do this about a lot of things so I guess it’s just in our nature to not pay a lot of attention to that which is – and should – be obvious. It’s just that the prevailing mindset – to be straight and only straight – is giving bisexuals a lot of problems.

Religion is still a major driving force behind all of this and even though some religious subsets are more… open to not being straight, the main religions are still totally against it and still imposing all kinds of doom and gloom for disobedience to the edicts… and people are saying, “Fuck that… I gotta do what I know I gotta do… and if I’m going to hell, so be it.” A lot of people are “making noises” in favor of abolishing religion or, since that ain’t likely to happen, revising it to match the way people are and not so much a mandate about how everyone should be.

Because, despite all the taboos, mandates, yada, yada, people are straight, bi, gay, or whatever they see themselves as. This is fact but a fact that we also can’t seem to get our heads around – again, what we tend to believe doesn’t match reality and since this is basically true, sure, people are all over the place about being bisexual and running into problems or enduring other things that just makes them feel some kind of way or gets them writing about it in some… interesting ways that aren’t always clear.

People will eventually figure it out; they’ll get their issues dealt with or not because being bisexual is a learning process and one that never stops. Even I keep learning new stuff about being bisexual and, to me, that’s a good things because the real problem being bisexual is allowing yourself to get stuck in place; this is what I know and I don’t need to know anything else. It’s got nothing to do with doing – it has everything to do with understanding why bisexuality exists and why you’re bisexual and you can learn a lot by just paying attention to what other people are writing.

 

Life, Living and Loving: Why Married Women Cheat

https://www.msn.com/en-us/lifestyle/relationships/the-reasons-why-married-women-cheat-on-their-husbands/ar-AAD15NO?ocid=spartandhp

I saw this during my reading the news moment of my daily routine and, at first, I wasn’t going to look at it since I know why married women cheat but curiosity got the best of me so I decided to read it to see if the reasons given matched what I know.

And they did so, nope, not really surprised by any of what the article said and, of particular interest, it even stated something I’ve said time and time again about infidelity: If you don’t take care of your man/woman, someone else can and will.

The article mentioned that in the minds of many, men are the number one cheaters of all times… and suggests that, um, not exactly the whole truth of things but, sure, it’s what we believe just the same. The article, I think, did a good job of pointing out the things that’ll make a married woman cheat on her hubby and made sure to mention that there’s no one specific reason that can be pointed to as a “major reason” why married women cheat.

They do. And for whatever reason makes sense to them. Sometimes there’s a reason a woman can point to and sometimes shit happens and, to be honest, we’re pretty clueless to think and suggest that shit should never happen.

Now, in my way of thinking, this doesn’t give married women a black eye or, really, says anything bad about them… but it is an indictment against monogamy and how it locks people into a pattern and cycle of behavior that isn’t always in someone’s best interests to be in and does, in fact, set the stage for a prime reason why anyone cheats: When needs aren’t being met or otherwise ignored. Indeed, the article accurately and correctly stated that women who cheat on their husbands do love their husband and don’t want to leave him – they just want more than one man could ever hope to provide.

The article warns men to be more observant and attentive to their wife’s needs and this makes sense… doesn’t mean wifey isn’t going to want to experience someone else because of an overlooked need or, as the article said, because they fucking can.

The fact of things is that one can do everything humanly possible to make their partner a happy camper and something like this can still happen. Indeed, some women step to the side because, in their minds, their husband is an overbearing son of a bitch, always all up in her business and, frankly and basically, just getting on her last good nerve and she just needs a break from that level of attention… or scrutiny, if you prefer.

Sometimes, a woman just wants someone else to take them and fuck them silly; sometimes, they just want another or different level of emotional satisfaction or comfort, not that hubby is totally incompetent or anything like that but simply because it’s different… and it’s not coming from the guy she does, in fact, love.

I know what you’re thinking: If she loves him so much, why would she do some shit like this? The answer is that marriage and being monogamous does not allow any room for being able to not only anticipate someone undergoing the usual changes people just undergo but allows zero recourse. A married woman can have her needs attended to quite well but at some point, those needs change for some reason or another and it is assumed and implied that when you get married, the person you marry is all you will ever need and that wanting/needing anything other than your mate just should never, ever happen.

Marriage and monogamy doesn’t take the human factor into consideration at all and makes – and puts – men and women in a very and nearly impossible situation: Take care of each and every need the two of you have… and, oh, yeah, provided the two of you even know this because if wifey finds she has the need for someone else, do you really think she’s gonna mention this to her husband? Do you really believe that it’s impossible for someone to come along and push all of her good buttons – and buttons she is trying to keep others from pushing?

Do you really believe that shit can’t happen? Do you believe that when you get married, you’re never, ever, gonna want something else somewhere down the road and as if you’re not going to change over any given period of time and develop needs that your partner isn’t going to be able to do anything about?

Yeah… people do believe this, don’t they? It’s not that people don’t see this very critical flaw in marriage and monogamy because they do… and that’s exactly why there’s such a thing as ethical non-monogamy or cheating with permission, if you will, and an adjustment to the state of being married that allows for wants and needs that may arise to be taken care of by, ah, outside contractors, while maintaining the marriage and taking care of all that business as well.

I’ve said time and time again that the way to prevent cheating is to remove the conditions under which it can happen and this can be done by giving “permission” to get the extra stuff that might be needed and, often, with the condition that if it’s good for the goose, it’s good for the gander and all that. A lot of these forward-thinking couples actually do this as a couple as well as individually – they put their heads together and work out how they’re gonna go about doing this so that those other needs can be taken care of by someone else and – get this – remaining happily married.

This isn’t to say that married women are gonna cheat and by some weird kind of thinking that has made all men cheaters by default – and even if they’ve never cheated and never would. Many married women are happy with the way things are but, on the downside – and often unbeknownst to their husbands, yeah, they have some needs he ain’t able to deal with and they wouldn’t mind if someone else handled them but since it’s forbidden, she suppresses all of this and keeps it all locked up inside…

And that’s been proven to be very detrimental. It’s that thing that, when you see she’s got something on her mind that bugging the shit out of her and you ask her what’s wrong… and she says, “Nothing…” If your wife ever says to you, “How can we spice things up between us?” I’m thinking that you’d better pay attention to this and not dismiss it out of hand because she might not be thinking about the two of you having more sex than you’re already having.

In response to this question, it’s my opinion you should do a bad form kind of thing and answer a question with a questions: “What do you have in mind, baby?” and, if you can, let her know that you’re not going to fly off the handle over whatever she happens to have in mind and this is important because even if you don’t know this, I know that thinking and doing are not the same things. But women who might need to ask this question won’t… because husbands tend not to react well to whatever she has in mind… and especially if it involves those, um, outside contractors and, oh, yeah, the required contractor might not be male.

Sometimes, we won’t ask her what she wants and needs… because we’re afraid that she’s really going to answer the question… and we’re not gonna like it. Men have such fragile egos and I can tell you that it can do a number on your ego to find out that your loving wife wants something from someone else other than you. Not that you’re really all that fucked up, inadequate or otherwise incompetent, mind you.

Marriage and monogamy, again, allows no room at all for anyone to grow in this sense and it sure as fuck doesn’t allow for other needs to be tended to; we just accept that if we need something our partner can’t provide, we just have to do without it but even women – the standard bearers and placeholders of marriage, are saying, “Fuck that – if you’re not gonna help me with this, I’ll do it myself!” And the article does mention that for some women, cheating is about power and really showing hubby that he might be the man and all that… but she who has the pussy makes the rules… and there ain’t shit you can do about it and if you divorce her because she’s literally flexing that muscle, you still wind up being the loser even though you’ve cut that cheating bitch loose and, sometimes, at great cost to you so that makes it a lose/lose kind of thing.

If you don’t want your wife to cheat on you, sure, be observant, attentive, ready and willing to see to her wants and need to the best of your ability to do so… but understand a few things like she may want/need someone else because they’re not you and that’s not always putting you down and as I’ve mentioned; she may want/need someone who has, ah, different equipment and a different emotional way of doing things or, bluntly, if she needs a woman, my man, you’re clearly not female.

Understand that shit does happen and even when she will go out of her way to make sure it doesn’t. If she inquires about extra spice, pay attention to what she says and do not get in her ass about any of it. Listen, pay attention and even start thinking about how you can make whatever she’s talking about happen. Don’t assume that if she says something – and she might not, to be honest – that she’s going to do it anyway.

If you, as a husband, fail to do any of this, don’t be surprised when you find out she’s been cheating on you. Now, having said this, ladies, if you have wants and needs that the guy you love ain’t or can’t take care of, you gotta be brave enough to let him know while understanding that men do have very fragile egos. It’s a risk and I’ll admit that but what makes getting caught cheating even worst than it is comes from a husband being blindsided by it – he didn’t see it coming because he didn’t know what was going on inside your head… because, you know, that’s usually not a safe or smart thing to do, right?

It’s not merely a matter of wants and needs not being addressed: It’s a major communication failure. We like to think we can talk to our spouses about anything and we can… anything but this and we don’t talk about this because, historically, the spouse hearing these things tend to not react well to them but if you don’t ask, you won’t know and, hopefully, you’re not married to someone who reaction is verbally or physically violent.

We often go about these things in this fashion: It’s better to beg forgiveness than to ask permission and we don’t ask because we assume that we’re not going to get it – and that’s usually the case – and that’s why people cheat on each other.

But what if there was a way to prevent this? Would that be something you’d be interested in and more so when it’s possible to stay married to the person you do love and want to be with?

Many of the married folks reading this would say no; it’s not to ever be thought of, let alone done and there’s no reason to think or do some shit like this. To you, I’d have to say that if you have even the tiniest worry that your spouse might cheat on you – or, not that you’d admit it – you’ve thought about some extracurricular activity or maybe even came close to shit happening, yeah, you might want to rethink this. If you’re of a mind that you’d divorce him or her before doing some shit like that, keep in mind that no one really wins in a divorce and especially when they happen in marriages that, before any of this appeared, was pretty damned good and the love shared was good and strong.

I remember someone asking me “eons” ago what I would do if my wife said she wanted to have an affair – but they didn’t know that, um, that’s exactly what had happened. My answer was, “I’d ask her what she had in mind and what are the terms she may be thinking of and, yep, what’s in it for me.”

The guy I was talking to was shocked and instead of asking me why I’d say that, he started talking about all the bad shit he’d do his wife if she ever said some shit like that to him and I told him, “Yeah, I get it… and that would be a mistake, home boy.”

And not many people really understand how and why this is a huge mistake; it’s another case of people being institutionalized and, dare I say, mindfucked into believing that this is the way being married should be handled – it’s the way it’s always been and always will be – but not taking into consideration that the reality is very different. You’re not supposed to want more than what you already have… even when it becomes apparent that what you have, even when good, just isn’t enough for you to keep being the person you also want and need to be.

We make it clear to each other that if you have a need for anything we can’t provide, well, you’re not supposed to but if you do, it sucks to be you because nothing is going to be done about it and if you do decide to do something about it, it’s really gonna suck to be you when you get busted.

Ever wonder why the United States has pretty much always led the league in divorces? There are a lot of reasons… but this particular situation is one of them and a pretty significant one. We maintain that one cannot have their cake and eat it, too, the greedy bastards/bitches…

But what if you could… and not lose what you already have? Or are you of a mind that it’s not worth it and it’s better to suffer with your unfulfilled needs and because some long-dead motherfuckers said that you had to? How’s that been working for you, hmm? Silence, as it turns out, isn’t always golden, ignorance isn’t always as blissful as its said to be, and what you don’t know can hurt the fuck out of you and like you wouldn’t believe or, really, don’t want to believe.

And who among us that are married don’t secretly worry about our spouses finding a reason to cheat on us or, hah-hah, we believe that they’d never do such a thing and, indeed, aren’t supposed to so such a thing and no matter what’s going on with them and even if, by chance, you’re not holding up your end of the table – and as the article put it – and you know you aren’t.

Women cheat on their husbands; click on the link and see the reasons why and, without applying your moral compass, ask yourself if the reasons given are not only true but makes sense… and maybe you’ll see the flaws in being married and monogamous but, nah, I’m not so sure there are a lot of people who can see this for what it really is because their moral compass insists that shit like this can’t happen and is never supposed to happen… even when it’s a well-known fact that even married women cheat and perhaps a bit more than married men do.

 

Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: The Break’s Over – Let the Rant Begin Anew!

After arming myself with coffee, I sat down at my desk to do the email and other stuff thing I do each and every day. Click the bookmark bar to come here, took a look at the reader, then clicked the “Tags” link that, admittedly, I see every day but didn’t pay attention to and the tag I’d created early on in my blogging adventure was – is – “bisexual.”

I know why I had stopped checking it; there wasn’t much being said that was associated with that tag but over the last couple of days, I’ve been pouring over the tagged items that now are quite plentiful.

Today, I saw two things that made my jaw drop. One was written by a female sex educator who isn’t comfortable with her bisexuality – she says she feels like a fraud because she seems to sabotage potential relationships with women. Now, it’s not that I don’t understand this – a lot of people are as bisexual as the day is long but they’re not really comfortable with being bisexual… but I am wondering how and why a sex educator is feeling the way she is.

The other thing I saw was about bi-erasure and how, I guess, bisexuals erase themselves because they’re not permanently gay or straight… and I almost choked on my coffee when I saw what author wrote because even without enough caffeine in my system, that this author even wrote that and implied that bisexuality isn’t a “permanent” state of existence and that bisexuals are gay with a gay partner but appear to be straight when not with a gay partner just made me ask: What are these people talking about and why are both of these writings about being bisexual and relationships?

Don’t get me wrong; if you can pull off a same-sex relationship, more power to you but people are of a mind that if you can’t or don’t roll like that, it somehow invalidates one’s sexuality.

And those two writings reminded me why I often go off the deep end about this. Here’s the thing I don’t think either of those authors – or a lot of other people – are aware of: When you’re bisexual, you are always bisexual no matter what you’re doing or who you happen to be with. People are all on the rag about what things appear to be, like, you see two men or two women behaving like a couple and the first thing that’s assumed is that both people are gay… and they may not be but you’d not know this unless they were of a mind to reveal their individual sexualities.

A bisexual in a relationship with a gay person is still bisexual! Why people don’t seem to get this makes me sit here and blink a whole lot. A bisexual in a relationship with a straight person is still bisexual and despite what people want to believe, you can’t “turn it off and on” like a light switch. In a relationship, you may be limited – and severely – about what you can do as a bisexual and that’s to be expected… you’re still bisexual.

That a sex educator says she feels like a fraud because she can’t get into a relationship with a woman without sabotaging the shit out of it just blows me away; how can someone versed in things sexual even think like this? Um, because we are of a mind that things we do that aren’t part of a relationship doesn’t mean jack shit, that and I see that people are still buying into that “If you’re not in a relationship, you’re not bisexual” bullshit.

No wonder she feels like a fraud; no wonder the guy who wrote about bi-erasure was, in fact, doing his level best to erase it – and I’m not sure he was aware of what he was doing.

The fact of the matter is people are… compelled to be in a relationship, one because as a species, we’re a social animal – that just means we like being around each other and doing stuff. When it comes to sex, here in the fucking 21st century, we still believe that the only legit sex is relationship sex. That sex educator shared that she had been having sex with women and I didn’t get the impression that this bothered her… but the relationship thing did. We’re either of a mind to pursue a relationship with someone or, as it turns out, decide that it’s not in our best interest to do so and for whatever reason makes sense to us… and there’s nothing unusual about these two things – it’s just how people behave.

But whether you’re in a relationship or not, damn it, if you’re bisexual, you’re still bisexual. “Gene,” a bisexual guy, gets into a relationship with “Rachel,” a very straight woman and life is good. You see them, know that they’re a couple or accurately guess that they are… and you assume that they’re both straight but, sure, when you look past what you see, oh, wait – he’s bisexual? Then, it appears, it’s being assumed that “Gene” is taking advantage of that idiotic straight privilege they’re still talking about but what’s really happening is a kind of blindness – what they see isn’t what’s really going on with our hypothetical couple. Oh, and because he’s with a straight woman, he just cannot be bisexual.

And because of this… lack of vision, this somehow erases bisexuality as a legitimate sexuality? Can you hear me yelling, “Bullshit!”?

Do you remember those scribbles I posted where I talked about bisexuality “migrating” toward the heteronormative way of doing things? If so, yeah, these two things I’m talking about is more proof of that because I maintain that you do not have to be in a relationship to validate your bisexuality… or your sexuality at all. We see a continuance of a behavior that’s plagued us for a long time: We believe all of what we see… and not so interested in the composition of what we’re looking at. “Gene” and “Rachel” are at the mall shopping, holding hands and being socially intimate with each other… and you see a straight couple, right?

“Alicia” and “Fran” are also at the mall, doing whatever brought them there, holding hands, being socially intimate and you see… a gay couple, right? You think you’ve correctly identified their place in the sexuality world when, chances are good that you’re wrong as fuck about both couples – but, again, unless you asked them, you’re not gonna know that “Alicia” is gay and “Fran” is a bisexual woman.

This becomes a problem in that one’s sexuality, generally, ain’t no one’s business unless a person makes it someone’s business. Hey, Oceanswater – remember we were just talking about private things? This is one of them that we tend to keep under our hats and it’s on a need-to-know basis… and not everyone needs to know. This is so private that if a someone was bisexual, their partner – if they have/had one – doesn’t know it. Why? It’s very private and with them, um, you’re being straight – but that person is still bisexual even if they don’t ever disclose it.

If our partner – and if we’re hooked up like that – knows that we’re bi, well, that’s the only person who really needs to know and everyone else can go pound sand… and therein lies the thing with erasure… but coming out, such as it is, doesn’t really change anything because, again, we’re more prone to believe what we see than to pay attention to the truth of what we’re looking at.

That and you can tell all the people you want to that you’re bi and your partner isn’t… and they might not believe you because if it looks gay, it has to be gay; conversely, if it looks straight, well, that’s what it is…

Isn’t it? Fuck no. Hell no. But we’ve created this… thing because of a habit we’ve never been able to get rid of: Believing that everything we see is what it appears to be. Now, of course, there’s a lot of things that are what they appear to be; a tree, regardless of its nomenclature, is still a tree – and even if we don’t know what kind of tree it is. A rose is still a rose, after all, and no matter what kind of rose it is.

People, however, aren’t so easy to look at in this fashion, are they? So we make some inaccurate assumptions and while ascribing or assigning a set of behaviors that, in reality, may not be accurate or even at work for some reason. Since bisexuality is about what you think, feel, and even do – if you can – how the fuck can it be erased or invalidated because you’re not in a same-sex relationship? How in the name of all that’s held to be holy can bisexuality be erased or invalidated because of a relationship – and then under the assumption that both people are straight… but if one is bisexual, well, they’re a fraud and contributing to bisexual erasure?

Are. You. Fucking. Kidding. Me? Are we really that blind? Are we really that institutionalized or, really, totally and completely mindfucked to believe and keep believing that you can invalidate someone’s sexuality because they’re not going about their lives in the way that’s been mandated as the only way to go about your life?

Yeah. It seems that we are. Well, not all of us but you see what I’m saying?

I am bisexual no matter what I’m doing. If I’m having sex with someone, be they male or female, I am still bisexual and – get this – that’s the thing that “allows” me to have sex with a man or a woman… or both, you know, if I got lucky like that. If you saw me and my lady out and about – and if you didn’t know either of us – you’d assume that we’re a straight couple and we’re both straight… and you’d be wrong… but those of you who follow me already know that. The point is that you’d believe what you saw but because it’s considered to be bad form to ask someone about their sexuality, you’d be happy to believe what you saw.

And some people, when they find out that what they’re looking at isn’t what they’re looking at are, for some stupid-assed reason, trying to invalidate, deem as fraudulent, and flat-out erase bisexuality in this or any other situation. When this bi erasure bullshit popped up, one of the first things I wrote about it was, “You can’t erase me because even if you don’t know it, I know I’m bisexual.”

The really fucked up part is that some bisexuals are invalidating and erasing themselves… because they continue to believe in something that, perhaps, they shouldn’t be believing in. That sex educator? In my view, she’s not a fraud because she can’t seem to get into a relationship with a woman. That, according to her, she was set to marry a guy doesn’t invalidate her bisexuality and, fuck no, she’s not invoking any kind of straight privilege by marrying a man. She’s still bisexual and will be until the day she dies.

That dude who wrote about erasure? Again, I wonder if he realizes that what he wrote doesn’t invalidate bisexual erasure – it contributes to it by rehashing the current bullshit rhetoric that has many a bisexual doubting that they are what they know themselves to be… and while citing relationship statuses – or a lack of – as a key indicator that bi erasure is a real thing and bisexuality really isn’t… and because of a relationship that someone, regardless of sexuality, may or may not be a part of or even wants to be. Are these mindfucked people trying to say that single people aren’t and can’t be bisexual? Well, yeah, they are, if you really stop to think about it… and if you think this sounds insane, welcome to the club because this is some of the most insane and patently ridiculous shit I’ve ever heard of.

My lady and I could break up… and I’m still just as bisexual as the day I realized I was. I could start a new relationship with a man… and people would see “gay” when, in fact, the only gay thing happening is the sex we might have and more so if it happens that both of us are bisexual and even if my new boyfriend was gay, the current dogmatic bullshit says that not only is our relationship a gay one, both of us are gay.

I know I’m not. I also know that I wouldn’t want to be gay – and I say this without offense to any gay folks who might be reading this – because I know for a fact that, even if no one else does, I love women and pussy and, yeah, more than I do men and dicks.

In this, there’s perception… then there’s the truth. We believe what we perceive and continue to believe this even when the truth is known… and, well, we’re just insane like that. We will say that sometimes, things aren’t as they appear to be; that tells me that we are, in fact, aware of this pretty important thing and that, if we’re so inclined to do so, that should prod us to look beyond what we see so that we will understand exactly what we’re looking at; is the tree you’re seeing an oak tree? Maple? Walnut?

Some would want to know this… many just don’t give a fuck – they see a tree and that’s all they give a fuck about and some might even argue with you that the oak tree you’re looking at or talking about isn’t an oak tree and if you think this is something I just made up, it isn’t – I actually got into a heated discussion over an oak tree being an oak tree and as evidenced by all the fucking acorns all over the place.

And that’s what some of us are doing now: Saying that bisexuality isn’t real because it doesn’t look like anything or it doesn’t look the way they think it should look.

Here on WordPress, there are currently 337 people following me and many more who just read what I’m scribbling who knows that I’m bisexual. I have, in fact and in deed “outed” myself in this very public forum, not that I give a fuck about that. I’m not straight and haven’t been since I was nine years old. I married one woman and had children with her – a very straight thing to do… and I was still bisexual. I fell in love with a gay man and we had what was for me a life-changing, eye-opening moment and relationship – and despite the way we were kicking holes in the walls and trashing beds, I was still bisexual. Now, if you saw the two of us together, ha, there’s no way you could fail to see that he was very gay… but the mistake people would make – and the same mistake they’re making now – is assuming we were both gay… and one of us wasn’t… and it wasn’t him.

Yet, there are those who seek to erase me and other bisexuals based on what they see and, stupidly, the way they think things are supposed to be and appear to be. Even if I wasn’t in my current relationship, I’d still be bisexual – nothing, and I do mean nothing short of death can ever change that.

And I’ll be damned and dipped in shit if I know why people are thinking this way. I do think that bisexuality has upset the world view of a whole lot of people and to the point where they can only really make sense of it by thinking in heteronormative terms because, um, that’s the way we’re supposed to be thinking and going right along with the morality that’s associated with it.

I’m the very bisexual guy who’s gonna tell you that if that’s what you think, you’re about as wrong as you can possibly be. I am living, breathing, and raving proof that what you might think is not quite right. Yes – everyone is entitled to their opinion and thoughts about this and there’s a bias at work – thanks, gay people – that many of us tend to work from and view things in – it’s just the way we are; you’re just gonna believe what you think you know until you find out that what you think you know is… well, wrong… and then, as people are wont to do, you’re gonna keep believing what you think you know even when you’ve been told the truth – and this, too, is just how people can be.

But if you even dared to suggest that I’m not what I say I am and based upon who I’m in a relationship with as a point of validation, well, somebody hold my Coke because the shit’s about to get very real and very messy.

I’m bisexual. I’m not a fraud. I’m not invoking or taking advantage of some alleged straight privilege because, as I’ve said hundreds of times, I’m quite straight until I do something that isn’t – and that doesn’t count for what’s going on in my head at all times and even when I’m asleep because even if my actions are straight, my brain and sense of self isn’t and hasn’t been for coming up on 55 years.

Is that real enough for you?

You cannot erase my bisexuality and based upon the faulty information you’re working with. Yes, there is a way things are supposed to be and, as always, there’s how things really are… and the way things really are is that people who are bisexual are always bisexual and no matter what they do or who they do some shit with.

And I just do not know why people aren’t getting and understanding this… and now you know why I go off the deep end and wind up apologizing for ranting and raving like a mad man.

Sigh. Imagine me taking a deep breath at this point while I give you an example of this lunacy. Many years ago – a couple of decades, really – this guy and I got into a “heated” discussion over whether or not I was really bisexual and his contention that because I was married to a woman, I couldn’t be. I told him my story and a lot of examples of my bisexuality – and he still didn’t believe it. Now, he wasn’t saying that I was gay – he just insisted that I wasn’t what I said I was. So, I told him to go home, get his lady, and come back and I – with the help and agreement with my wife – would prove to him that I was as bisexual as I said I was.

He declined once he realized that he was gonna be targeted as well as his lady (and I knew he would). But, you wanna know what he said? He said that even if he did that – and he wasn’t going to – that I was gonna be bisexual like that just and only to prove him wrong… even though, again, I had provided many examples that said otherwise. He said, “That doesn’t really prove that you’re bi!”

Really? He stuck with that which he believed… totally rejected the truth… and, yeah, too chicken to find out the easy way which, personally, was a shame since he was quite sexy in my opinion.

This is the crazy and insane shit at work now and I shared this moment in time to illustrate that this stupid bi erasure shit isn’t a new thing – it existed and before a lot of those speaking out against bisexuality were even born.

Think about that one for a moment. Think about all of this for a moment and, you know, if you even bothered to read all of this. Then think about that which you believe when it comes to people interacting with other people… then ask yourself why you believe it and maybe you’ll see what I’m ranting and raving about.

Bisexuals and bisexuality can only be erased or invalidated if we, as bisexuals, continue to buy-in to this bullshit. Being in a relationship does not, can not, should not ever invalidate anyone’s sexuality. We’re not straight… but we’re not gay, either. We can do things, from sex to relationships, in either way if we choose to and no matter what we do – or don’t do – we are still bisexual.

And I will tell anyone who doesn’t believe this that they’re all fucked up in the head. I know the truth. I’ve spoken the truth and as I’ve experienced it. If you don’t believe it and think I’m a straight-acting fraud, that’s not my problem and if you still believe it after I’ve repeatedly stated that I am bisexual, well, yeah – there’s something wrong with you.

Bisexuals aren’t the problem: That skewed perception held by others is. And I’ll end this extremely long rant – and I rant I’m not going to apologize for this time – by asking a question:

If bisexuality isn’t a real and legit sexual orientation – and if bisexuals are deemed to be equally unreal, um, why is all this dumb shit being thrown into the fan? That would suggest that we’re pitching a bitch about… nothing… and if that’s not as insane as anything can be, I don’t know what is. It suggests that bisexuality and bisexuals are very damned real because people are going out of they way to say it isn’t. Cray-cray to the nth degree.

Time to clean the litter box… and thank you all for putting up with this rant.

 

Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: Schlobbing Da Knob

As I write this, somewhere in this big world we live in, someone is giving someone else a blow job… and the person giving it might not be female like we all tend to expect and hold true to. To bake your noodle a bit more, the person sucking on a dick is not only male but he’s not even homosexual and, again, as we all tend to expect and hold true to.

Now, those of you who suck dick knows the fun of it… and how much of a pain in the ass it can also be and, as it turns out – or always seems to be – there are those who just can’t figure out why a guy would even want to put another guy’s dick into his mouth and do some stuff over an indeterminate amount of time until the other guy ejaculates.

I’m here to tell you why… and because of two reasons. One is obvious – we’re not supposed to. The other should be even more obvious but, nah, not so much and because many find it too incredulous to see it:

That shit feels good when you do it. This isn’t as much a lesson in what oral fixation is as it is… let’s say… a down and “dirty” look at this and sticking to a cold hard fact – and the pun is implied and necessary: It just feels good to suck dick. I hear a lot of men talk about how they like to make the other guy feel good and when they can do that, it makes them feel good… and I ask myself – and sometimes ask them, “What are you not telling us about this?” Very few guys talk about how it makes them feel and what it means to them. Some guys talk about how submissive it makes them feel and how much they enjoy being or feeling submissive and, okay, that’s fine if you happen to be a submissive kind of guy – but not all of us who suck dick and in fiend-like ways are so submissive and, yeah, some of us actually don’t give a fuck whether the other guy is as happy as he expects to be because taking the dick into our mouths is, plainly and simply, all about getting our jollies to do something that, again, we shouldn’t be doing.

Someone asked me a long time ago what I’m thinking about when I’m going down on a guy and it’s taken me a long time to learn how to put those thoughts into words that, hopefully, makes sense – and sometimes it doesn’t. There’s a lot of things going through my mind and, interestingly enough, the sure knowledge that I shouldn’t be getting ready to entice this guy to cum in my mouth is right at the front of the line and, equally of interest, that thought never really goes away – I just don’t pay any attention to it and I am, indeed, think about how much I’m going to enjoy this and right along with thinking about all the things that might make me think, during the fact or after it, that, fuck… that wasn’t as much fun as I hoped it would be.

Now. Those of us – male and female – who suck cock will tell you that when we do it, we’re not thinking about anything but, yeah, we are… but you’d have to ask someone what’s going on in their head and then hope they can tell you – did I mention that this is not easy to do? I’m not only thinking the things I’ve already mentioned, I’m thinking about not thinking about what I want to do or, don’t think – just feel. I’m thinking about the end result while not thinking about it; the analytical part of my mind knows that it might happen and it might not but let’s do all we can to make it happen.

I’m thinking about how he tastes, feels, smells, and even sounds… and while thinking about – but not really thinking about – how all of this is making me feel and how those feelings, at any given point, can be all over the place from the sheer and naughty thrill of it to being indifferent about what I’m doing and including having second, third or fourth thoughts about doing it in the first place… and that none of this is really enough to make me stop what I want to do, feel, and experience.

As I’m going about sucking that dick, it feels incredibly good… to me, anyway. My heart is racing, I’m sweating something fierce and I can feel my own lust making itself known… and while giving some thought to that point in time where he’ll be sucking my dick and how that’s gonna go and feel and, hopefully, to that spunky ending that those of us who loved to be sucked wants to experience.

There’s a kinda weird sense of thinking and feeling; it’s paying attention to what you’re doing – technique and all that kind of stuff – and not really paying attention to it but just feeling it… and, oh, my, it feels magnificent… well, as long as the other guy ain’t doing something to make it feel anything other than magnificent. And to that end…

Some guys talk about how they prefer to have the guy they’re sucking to be in charge of the blow job and, indeed, there are a lot of men who truly believe that they’re 100% in charge here… and I hate to tell you – and them – that you’re not; you are, in fact, at the mercy of whomever is sucking your dick… and especially if I’m the one sucking your dick. I’m thinking – but not really thinking – that this ain’t about you and things aren’t really going to transpire the way you want them to because I’m constantly thinking – but not really – about what I’m going to do… or maybe not do and all based on how having your dick in my mouth is making me feel.

Some guys talk about how they feel when the other guy denies them their seed, you know, to make it last as long as they can… and that’s fine… but I just might be thinking – but really more feeling – that I might not want to wait “all day” for you to do what I want you to do… or maybe I do. I know it sounds crazy but it’s not really what I’m thinking but what I’m feeling… but thinking about what’s going to make me feel heavenly while also giving some thought to how he’s feeling… and while not giving a fuck how he feels because, for me, this ain’t and never has been about him.

Yeah… it’s like that when you wanna get seriously real about sucking cock. I’ve had people suggest that when I suck cock (or eat pussy), I’m being selfish and that my efforts should be all – and only – about pleasing them… and I’m not saying that they’re wrong about that… they’re just not right about it. Yes, I am thinking about pleasing them… but that’s not really why I suck dick – I do it because I just love doing it because I love the way it makes me feel, from slutty to good beyond my ability to put into words other than to say it satisfies me to give someone head. And unless they tell me otherwise – and sometimes they do – if I’m being satisfied doing it, it’s gonna “rub off” on them. And with men, I’m going to get that mouthful of spunk I’m also looking forward to experience and feel all that receiving it means… and in some interesting ways given how my mind works.

Some practitioners of fellatio tend to get… upset when the guy they’re practicing their art upon releases his sperm too soon and I used to be one of them until I understood that, um, one of the reasons why I’m sucking on his dick is to get him to do just that and if he does it sooner rather than later, that just works and is still very satisfying. He might be embarrassed because he did cut loose before he wanted to and I’ll tell them not to worry about it because it made me very happy that he did and, um, didn’t it really make you feel good to bust a nut? It did? Okay… so what’s the problem here? Oh… you didn’t want it to go like that? Ha… you act like you really had a choice in the matter! But, let’s not get into that and let me ask you something – do you wanna go again? I’m game if you are.

Maybe that refractory period has taken him out of the game – it happens and there’s not much we, as men, can do about that. There’s that very insane sensitivity thing that feels good and not so much and, yep, I get it – been there, felt that, like it and hate it. Still, the thought is did we do what we wanted to do; deeper, did I do what I felt like doing when his cock was quite hard and giving me all kinds of heady and delicious sensations that involved all of my senses?

If so, “mission accomplished;” the ravening, cock sucking beast that lives inside me has been fed. If not, let’s do it again if you can and if we have the time to. And, unbeknownst to him, if I’m having a fantastic time giving him head, when he cums, um, I might not stop sucking his dick because, okay, it might make him insane and he might be “out of the game” but it feels good to me to suck on his soft dick, gently and carefully until he gets hard in my mouth and now he’s ready to cum in my mouth again.

Not because it may or may not make him feel good – because it make me feel so damned good… and what we don’t always talk about for some reason is that it’s supposed to make us feel good to either suck dick or eat pussy. Not talking about that token giving head shit; I’m talking about going down on someone until they act like you’re trying to give them a taste of death by sex, not because of how that’ll make them feel but because of how it makes us feel to get them to the edge… and unmercifully shove them over kicking, screaming and, oh, yeah, feeling good about being sent into the orgasmic abyss.

I know I had one hell of a good time doing it – and I hope you had a good time as well. I know that in this, there’s no guarantee that the other person will walk away feeling horribly good about what just happened; the only thing I can be sure of is how I felt when I was doing it and, most of the time, I. Feel. Glorious. Did I do something wrong? Sure, if you wanna consider the forbidden nature of sucking a man’s cock and making him spill his seed in that fashion – let alone consuming it – but that’s what makes it feel so damned good.

And that, my friends, is the real and often unmentioned reason why guys suck cock: It just fucking feels good to do it and it’s a bad thing for us to do. Consider the question I once asked myself: “How can something that feels so good be so bad?” The answer is: It’s supposed to feel good, that’s why. It’s meant to feel good and, get this, your body doesn’t give a fuck whether the person blowing you is male or female… but your mind does and, well, um, my mind doesn’t give a fuck… while obeying the social programming that says I should give a fuck and not do this… and just ignoring it.

Because it feel good to do it. It’s not about being done – that’s a whole different series of thoughts and feelings. Guys do wonder why women, the de facto owner of this, don’t really like doing it or just won’t… which is the part of the program where I’ll tell you that if you really want to know why your girl ain’t keen about giving you head, go suck a dick and find out… but you’ll also find out why women like doing it…

Because that shit just feels good to do it. Is there really any other reason to suck dick or to eat pussy?

 

Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: A Time-out… Sorta

So almost predictably, after I’ve gone through a rant and rave session and then ask you to forgive me for going off the deep end about all of this, I find myself calling a time-out so I can reorganize my thoughts and, basically, just settle down and maybe get back to writing stuff that doesn’t make me appear to be, um, a raving lunatic about this topic.

Sometimes, all that’s required is to just take a step back from my thoughts, feelings, and observations and ask myself, “What are you getting bent out of shape about?” The trick, however, is to try not to answer the question even though I know the answer and could supply it. Indeed, as I found out in a book I’ve been reading and/or listening to over and over (yeah, it’s that good), what I’ve been doing is a Zen technique that’s “design” to break your chain of thought for a moment by asking such a question and only feeling some stuff about the question you could answer – but you’re not really supposed to.

It’s not that easy… but I’ve realized that I’ve had a lot of practice breaking my chain of thought like this and when I read what it was I’ve been doing, I had to laugh at myself because I found myself saying again, “So that’s what I’ve been doing!” Still, it works and particularly, I’ve learned, that if you’re having a hard time remembering what it feels like to be happy, just sort through your memories and find a happy moment and ask yourself, “How did it make you feel?” – but don’t try to answer the question – just feel the happy moment you’ve selected.

Sometimes, I’ll sit down and read some of the things I’ve already written; I’ll click the All Posts link and randomly pick something and, as odd as it might sound, read it as if I hadn’t authored it. I’ve published 1,842 scribbles over my time here and, um, most of the time, I don’t remember a lot of the things I’ve published so going back and reading some of them from a “reader” point of view is kinda easy. Sometimes, wow, the chosen scribble makes me ask myself, “Did I really write that?” and, yeah, sometimes a chosen scribble will have me asking, “Why did I write that? What was I thinking about?” or, worse, shaking my head and saying, “You sounded like an idiot… jeez!”

Time out. Relax. Breathe. Clear your mind and refocus. Take another deep breathe and then, with my mind a bit more organized, remember what it is I’m writing about and why I am. I’ll ask myself if there’s really a reason to drag out the soapbox and get into lunatic mode and the answer to that is yes, there are reasons because each and every day, you see and/or hear about a lot of stuff about bisexuality that’s just patently ridiculous, smacks of a lack of information or knowledge, and things that I know – from decades of experience and observation – isn’t as accurate or as true as other folks are thinking.

Importantly, I remind myself that some people just don’t give a shit about bisexuality one way or the other… but since I have no way of knowing when someone might have a reason to give a shit, just keep writing about it because I never know when the scribblings of a mad Black male bisexual just might make a difference in someone’s life… or, yeah, maybe even fuck shit up for someone… which why writing about both the good and the bad right along with all the pitfalls one can fall into is important.

And worth ranting and raving like a crazy person over. I understand, realize, and accept that I’ll come across something that’ll just peg my bullshitometer, like a bunch of blogs I read the other day filled with so much psychobabble that my brain suffered a white-out for a moment before it came back on the air and I was able to see that, for one, there are other people writing about bisexuality and in the best way they can and according to their ability to make sense of this.

I’m still the bi guy who thinks it makes sense to cut through the bullshit, avoid the psychobabble, and just tell it as I see it – and as I have seen it over all this time of my existence – and as real as I can. The focus isn’t so much about what it means to be bisexual and/or what one can do… and not always about what I think about it; it’s taking a look at how people behave about all of this. It’s seeing us behave in the same way about things we don’t really understand which is pretty normal for us as humans but how we can hold on very tightly to the way things are supposed to be when, as I keep saying, there’s plenty of evidence that says that the way things really are just ain’t the same thing… yet, we keep believing in the way things are supposed to be.

I see this on a daily basis and, being the overly curious person I’ve always been, I keep asking why; I keep asking if the way we behave about this particular thing really makes sense – and ask why we keep believing something that doesn’t match the reality of life as we know it. And I find the answers and sometimes, I just have to settle down and tell myself that it is what it’s always been but with the understanding that we are very slowly learning to behave better about this bisexual thing and not let the insanity over this push my buttons so much or so hard.

Sigh. Breathe. Relax. Take another good, deep breath and allow myself to refocus and be once more grounded. Take yet another deep breath and understand that people who might read any of this will either get it or they won’t and, in either case, you don’t have to “yell and scream” the messages.

Write like you have some sense, for Pete’s sake! Yeah, right… uh-huh… and y’all know that I don’t always do that. Now, I don’t always do that because some of the stuff I encounter just makes me crazy – I take, yet again, another very deep breath and remind myself that this blog is about what’s in my head and that to maintain good mental health (ha, ha), it’s better to get it out of my head than to keep it there until my brain explodes. I remind myself that writing about bisexuality is, in itself, a form of therapy that continues to help me get over the deficiencies suffered when I had my stroke and that even typing long things like this isn’t so much about the message but my ability to do it and as I could before the stroke and while working through how much it still hurts to do it.

I just happen to write about something that’s near and dear to my heart. It satisfies the therapeutic things and, hopefully lets people know some shit about bisexuality that, perhaps, they didn’t know or, yeah, don’t even give a fuck about but it’s like being on a mission: Someone has to talk/write about it in as much of a real and down-to-earth, no holds barred and sugar-free way…

And that would be me. No one asked me to do it and I don’t have to but I know someone has to because there’s a generation of bisexuals and bisexuals-to-be – as well as many who don’t yet know they’re bisexual – who is going to be paying attention to a lot of stuff that is short on fact and long on speculation, innuendo and dogmatic rhetoric.

I breathe deeply, get grounded and focused, and let anyone who gives a fuck know that I’m the bi guy who knows from experience and a lot of study that what you might be hearing about this isn’t what you think it is, that the answers you might be looking for – and the truth you may also be searching for – isn’t as difficult to see or digest as you think it is.

Bisexuality isn’t a new thing for us – it’s just something we’re finally paying much more attention to – and it’s what we’re paying attention to that often pushed me into the very deep end and now I gotta tread water, relax, breathe and all that. I’m the guy that will tell you that if you think bisexuality is some scary shit, well, it is… and it isn’t. I’m the guy who, when not ranting and raving, will challenge your thinking about this, not to change your mind one way or the other, mind you, but to get you to look at something with better eyes… even if you don’t give a shit about this.

People wonder what it’ll take for bisexuality to be better accepted and to do this, well, you need information and forms of proof. Who are you more likely to believe, someone who’s been there, done that, and has been around the block so many times it ain’t funny… or someone who has zero experience and this is just an intellectual exercise or merely talking about what they’ve heard… and none of that is good or even the whole truth?

Nope. This isn’t another rant. It’s therapy for me and on a subject that I do just happen to know something about… and, perhaps, more than some folks do… and I will tell you what I know and what’s in my head about it.

Because someone has to. Now, let’s talk about something a bit more exciting like, oh, sucking dick, shall we? Stay tuned; we’ll be back after this message from our sponsors…

 

Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: Apologies

After my last couple of posts, I feel that an apology is in order.

I know that I can get to ranting and raving about bisexuality; it gets in my head and needs to get out or it starts to fuck with my head or, really, fucks with my head more than some things already do when I read, see, or hear the bullshit surrounding bisexuality in anyone.

And I gotta say something about it… and sometimes, yeah, I might sound like a raving lunatic while doing it and for that, I do apologize but it’s something I’m clearly very passionate about.

From the beginning, one of the first questions I asked myself was, “How can something that feels so good be so bad?” I eventually found the answer to that question and in doing so, discovered that the really “bad” part about it isn’t what two guys or two gals might do… it’s what other people thing about such things. If there’s some bad shit being said about bisexuality, I’ve heard of it and/or have otherwise been subjected to it and it’s painted a picture that, for the most part, ain’t a pretty one when you look at how badly we can behave about such things and, often, how hypocritical we can be in that we can agree that things like having sex and even falling in love is well within the natural order of things… except when this happens in same-sex settings… then many of us get all fucked up in the head about it.

Growing up, you just didn’t hear a lot about bisexuals; the focal point of, ah, disagreement, was all on homosexuals and everything that was just wrong about them, leaving bisexuals to fly under the radar and, as I’ve previously said, be more of a running joke or a way to jerk somebody’s chain by implying that they go both ways, bat for both teams, stuff like that. On the real, you knew that there were people who did, in fact, go both ways and if you were like me, um, you came in contact with a lot of them and, in those early days of discovery, it seemed as if bisexuals kinda/sorta banded together, not so much to support a bisexual cause but to isolate and protect ourselves against the angst toward homosexuals; if it was bad to be tagged as gay, queer, faggot or dyke – and you weren’t – it was even worse to have that tag slapped on you when, in fact and in deed, you weren’t homosexual… but you weren’t all that straight, either.

If you were bi back then, you just knew to fly under the radar to keep from being caught up in the rabid and increasing hatred of homosexuals.

But then, decades later, that damned New York Times article came out and declared that it was proven that bisexuality was a real-deal thing… and the shit storm that many bisexuals managed to avoid landed on them in one big and very smelly dump. I still remember quite well the day I read it and I was incredulous; I found myself laughing over the article while frowning a lot at the same time but what was really disturbing was the backlash that followed that article.

And I saw, if no one else did, how people were now reacting to bisexuals, one, like this was some new thing and, two, in very similar ways to what I saw homosexuals had to endure. I saw – and still see – bisexuals and even budding and newbie bisexuals reacting to the shit storm of misinformation that followed and I asked myself, “What the fuck is going on? Why are bisexuals buying into this bullshit?”

When biphobia and bisexual invisibility started being talked about, I was once more – and as my lady likes to say – stuck on stupid – to read and hear the stuff people were saying about it. Things like bisexuality wasn’t a real sexual orientation and that bisexuals, if they really exist, have some kind of straight privilege; I started seeing so many different definitions of bisexuality that differed greatly and were becoming a far departure from the definition I’d seen so many years ago. Now it was “hearts, not parts” and gender became an issue; I started seeing words like cis-male or female and other descriptions that didn’t – and still don’t – make a whole lot of sense to me; I’ve seen and read arguments about the gender binary and marveled at how many people were of a mind that it shouldn’t exist and it’s irrelevant that it does and, interestingly, those who “held true” to the gender binary obviously had something wrong with them and needed to get up to date and with the program.

It had me wondering how one escapes the binary aspects of our existence and a state that, as far as I knew and had learned, has been with us since Adam and Eve; it seemed to me that no matter what you thought or otherwise believed, you’re either male or female… except for those folks who just rejected the traditional gender roles or declared themselves as asexual or whatever made them feel good about themselves.

Not that I’m busting on anyone but from my point of view, this is just short of being insane to see people reacting about bisexuality in ways that, in my opinion, didn’t make it easy for anyone to understand. I’ve watched the attempt to quantify bisexuality and as if it’s a math problem to be solved just as I’ve watched people trying to qualify bisexuality – what it’s supposed to look like, how it’s be be carried out, stuff like that and, weirdly, that if you’re not in a same-sex relationship and not answering the call to come out and be recognized, well, you’re not bisexual at all.

Don’t get me started on that “you are really gay and in denial” bullshit.

And at every turn, I’ve asked myself (or the cat if she’s paying attention), “What the fuck is going on here?” It’s gotten so bad that I see bisexuals saying that they aren’t bisexual; I’ve seen people objecting to the word like you wouldn’t believe, adopting an angst against a word that, when I learned it, merely and simply described a certain human behavior.

They’re not the duck they really are… and this mindset has me stuck on stupid; how can you behave like a bisexual and not be bisexual? And then, if you are, in fact, quacking like that duck, why not just own it and like you do being male or female, short, tall, or any other word that describes you… and everyone else on the planet? Is a tree a tree? Sure it is but this… mindset suggests that, from a certain point of view, the tree might not be a tree.

What the fuck…?

I’ve seen long-time bisexuals (like myself) starting to change their points of view about their sexuality and almost as if they’ve gotten it into their heads that they’ve been doing it all wrong all this time. I’ve seen what is to me a startling change in the M2M dynamic and bisexual women, shit, don’t get me started on them – thanks to a lot of ongoing slut shaming, they’ve gone further underground and while some women do speak out about being bisexual, some of what they’re saying just goes over my head – and I’m not a stupid person.

When I read something that said that Black male bisexuals don’t exist; they’re a myth and a figment of the imagination and I almost had another stroke; where did this bit of bullshit come from? Do you mean to tell me that I, as a Black male bisexual, am the only such creature on the planet? Are you fucking kidding me? It’s unrealistic and sure as fuck isn’t true… but, yeah, some folks really believed it to be true and like they believed that all Black men (and women) are homophobic.

Huh? Really?

I understand that what I’m seeing is a mass reaction to a change in what used to be and one that’s all too similar to that very bad adjustment period when we, as a whole, had to recognize that homosexuality was a very real thing… and what I don’t seem to understand is that if we know and have accepted that homosexuality is real – and even if still think being gay is so fucked up – then why are we having such a problem accepting that bisexuality is real and, from my POV, why can’t we accept that it is simply what it is: Someone has a thing about both men and women (and gender notwithstanding); it could be emotional, it could be merely sexual, or it could be both and depending on the individual concerned.

On the good side, I’ve seen men and women embracing their bisexuality and reveling in it and in some pretty interesting ways. I’ve seen some do as I tend to do and apologize for as they try to get everyone who’ll listen to see bisexuality for what it is and not invent a bunch of new shit to describe something that’s as old as humans are as a species. As far as the sexual aspects go, they know and understand that it’s “just sex” and nothing that people haven’t been doing all along – it’s just not always in the preferred and mandated way. They, like myself, throw their hands in the air and, in some way, find themselves asking, “What the fuck is going on?”

Funny; sometimes I think that bisexuality would be just fine if people weren’t involved. We’re reacting to this as if some extraterrestrial visitors showed up and people are panicking and I get it: Bisexuality, having been something that didn’t get a whole lot of attention, has shaken up the way a lot of people look at things and I’ve come to better understand that, as I’ve been ranting and raving about – and apologizing for – when you’re going up against that which someone believes – or doesn’t believe in – you’re going to have a nearly impossible time trying to get them to see that what they believe in – or not – isn’t the whole truth or doesn’t resemble the reality that exists.

It often makes me ask a very rhetorical question: If bisexuality isn’t real, then what the fuck have I – and others who have been bisexual for as long as I have been – been doing for all these decades? As far as the stereotypes, myths, and misconceptions go, yeah, some of them do have a basis in fact… and a lot of them don’t. I mean, really, do you really believe that all Black men have dicks hanging down to their ankles? Even I don’t believe that – and I’m a Black man.

And, as a result, I sometimes get to ranting and raving about it and how we’re making all of this harder to accept than it has to be… and for that, I do really and sincerely apologize. I am bisexual and I’ve been this way for a very long time; I’ve seen the good and the bad of it yet I’m still and obviously very passionate about bisexuality because, by and large, it’s only bad because people make it bad, with or without reason and, sadly, without a lot of understanding… and I just gotta rant and rave about that… and because someone has to; if not me, then who… and if not now, when?

I’m not trying to bring anyone over to the bi side because I know it’s not everyone’s cup of tea but I am and will remain the bi guy who is, if nothing else, trying to get you to see this with better eyes and if you happen to have a problem with people being bisexual. Sure, you might not be of a mind to take the plunge… but there are people who are and I know the scariest thing for a lot of people is that you probably know someone who is bisexual… and without knowing that they are. I understand that as a species, we are scared shitless about that which we don’t understand and if we can’t kill it – and I mean that literally – we will go out of our way to insist that it doesn’t exist, can’t exist, shouldn’t exist.

I’m just the guy who tells you that it does… and that we’re acting all kinds of cray-cray about it. And, yes, I suppose I need to apologize for this rant, huh?

 

Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: Do Gay Guys Like Bi Guys?

Depends on what gay guy you ask. In my experiences, some are okay with bi guys but, sure, I’ve run into a lot of gay guys who just don’t like bi guys and, upon further review, it’s usually because of a couple of things, like, they got attached to a bi guy and he wasn’t trying to hear about being in a relationship and some gay guys don’t want anything to do with a guy who has had his cock in a woman. And, yes, some gay men believe that we’re just in denial about being gay and, I dunno, they ain’t got time to deal with such confused dudes.

One of the things that would sometimes ruffle my feathers were those gay guys who were gung ho to have sex with me… then giving me some static about how I should give up women and be the gay man I really am. One guy gave me too much shit about being bi and I had to step off in his ass, pointing out that I was good enough to have sex with… but not good enough for anything else?

“You didn’t say that while I had my dick in your ass, did you?” I had asked. He got pretty pissy about that and all I’m going to say is that he was fortunate not to push the issue.

On the app, I’d often get messages from gay men who’d tell me that I’d be perfect for them… if I wasn’t bisexual. You kinda get tired of guys telling you that you’d be a better gay man, that giving up women just makes sense and, again, to stop deluding myself by thinking that I’m anything but gay.

By and large, I’d say that the results of this question could be mixed; as I said, there are gay men who have zero issues with bi guys… but there are some gay men like one of my protege’s friends who is always telling him to pick a side and stay there and “berating” him for being sexually intimate with men and women. The funny thing – but not all that funny – is that the gay man telling him this nonsense is in my age group – we both grew up in the same time period and one where gay men often took their lives into their own hands – and put their lives at risk – to openly admit they were homosexual.

To that end, it’s like this man is “sharing the hate,” as it were; homosexuals were reviled like nothing else and he’s not a fan of male bisexuals… even though he’s friends with one. My protégé tells me what his friend has to say about bisexuality and I told him, “If I ever come to visit you, don’t introduce me to him, okay?”

When my protégé asked why, I told him that it was a sure bet he wasn’t going to like me because the moment he started bad-mouthing bisexuals, I was going to rip him a new one so it would be best that I not be in his presence or, if I was, hmm, he’d better not start riffing about bi guys and the way he does with my protégé.

“I’m thinking you still want to have him as a friend, right?” I asked. He gave me a LMAO but I was very serious; like I said, I’ve had my share of running into gay men who are prejudiced toward bisexual men and it just rubs me the wrong way to see or know about a learned individual who’d rather spout gay doctrine and rhetoric rather than to accept that sexuality is more diverse than just being gay.

It’s funny that, on the one hand, a lot of people automatically think about the gay side of being bisexual – and not the straight side so much – but apparently there are gay men who only pay attention to the straight side of us and, I guess, overlooking the gay side… unless, um, if they wanna get all up close and personal with the gay side of a bi guy.

I can’t honestly say if gay guys are “on our side” or not – I just know that some are and some aren’t… and I’m not beyond fucking with the ones who don’t. We can have a grown-up and civil conversation about it but if they wanna get in the gutter about it, okay, let’s go there – somebody hold my Coke for me.

Once, after a very good cock sucking session, a gay man said, “I don’t understand why you like pussy.”

I asked him, “Have you ever had a woman?”

“Hell, no!” he said and his expression was like I just asked him to kill his mom or something.

“Well, suffice it to say that if you’ve never been with a woman, you wouldn’t understand why I would – you lack a point of reference.” I said, hoping this conversation wouldn’t turn into an argument and ruin what had been a pretty good time with this guy.

“I know I wouldn’t like it,” he said – and I thought, “Oh, here we go…”

“How do you know you wouldn’t? Or is what you just said a case of you drinking gallons of the gay Kool-Aid and you believe that if you’re gay, having sex with a woman invalidates your homosexuality?”

“I just know I wouldn’t,” he insisted. “It doesn’t make sense for a guy like you to want to be involved with a woman.”

I sighed – I’ve heard this before and all I said was, “Don’t knock it until you try it. What makes me scratch my head is how many gay men behave like women and, sometimes, tries to “out-woman” a woman but ask them if they’d sleep with a woman and a fight might start. Likewise, I know a lot of gay men who are really close friends with women and I’ve heard them say to those women that if they were a man, he’d go to bed with them without giving it a second thought. What’s up with that?”

My question was met with silence… but I expected that.

“Before you start believing the hype I know you’ve heard about bisexual men, if you’re not willing or able to walk in our shoes, your best bet is to not say anything about women or pussy if you don’t really know what you’re talking about.”

“What do you mean?” he asked.

“If my having had sex with women kinda/sorta offends you in some way, understand that when you tell me shit like you don’t know what the big deal is about pussy or suggest that I’d be better off leaving women alone, well, I find that offensive – and a lot of bi guys would as well,” I said. “You’re just lucky that I’m not that easily offended because, as you shared, you don’t know anything about pussy and what’s so attractive about it – you’re just parroting the same gay rhetoric I’ve been hearing for most of my life. But, if you’ve got the time, I can try to explain it to you.”

More silence. I figured that he really didn’t have any hatred or real prejudice toward bi guys but it fascinated me that some gay men would say that he doesn’t understand what the big deal is… but they don’t wanna find out for themselves.

And I thought it was because they believed it would invalidate their homosexuality and in similar ways when a lesbian, who wants to be a mother, will sleep with a man to be impregnated and because she can’t afford IVF. I’ve seen lesbian women have their “lesbian card” revoked – the word “traitor” was used as well and such thinking doesn’t make sense to me because, um, duh, if you wanna get pregnant and you can’t afford to go the IVF route and you’re not able to adopt, well, there’s always the tried and true way to get pregnant. Ya ain’t gotta like it – ya just gotta do it to achieve the higher goal of being a mother.

As there are gay guys who ain’t fans of bi guys, there are gay women who aren’t fans of bisexual women, either and, really, it seems to me that they have this angst simply because as bisexuals, we’re like them… and not so much and they’d rather stand on that which they believe rather than to see the reality of it all.

Some are haters… and some aren’t. The answer to the question just depends on the gay person you’re talking to. I know and understand that there’s a chance that a gay person will read this and if so, know and understand that I’m not trying to offend you in any way; if you’re cool with bisexuals, fine but if not, the only thing I’ll ask you is if you know why you aren’t and, sure, you can tell me why you aren’t.

I’m thinking that bisexuals and homosexuals can and should get along with each other and that the things that divide us aren’t as overwhelming true as it’s believed to be. Sure, I know of gay folks who weren’t happy with a bisexual because of, let’s call it, incompatible goals; the gay person wanted more than just sex, the bisexual didn’t – and now all bisexuals are confused assholes who can’t commit to anything, so on and so forth.

We’re not your enemy but for those who don’t like us, I don’t know what to tell you that would change your mind about bisexuals; as I’ve said, it’s hard to “fight” against that which someone believes and even when presented with evidence that what they believe isn’t all that correct.

I don’t hold any grudges against any homosexual who doesn’t like – or even doesn’t believe – in bisexuals and bisexuality. It’s what you think, believe, or have reason to think or believe… but this is a bi guy telling you again that we’re not your enemy. I’m saying to you to not buy-in to that nonsense that we’re confused or in denial or we’re really just on our way to being gay – that crap just ain’t the real truth of things with us.

We know, even if you don’t, exactly what we are and why we are the way we are and if we’re confused about anything, it’s over why there are gay folks who don’t like us. Maybe a bisexual literally and figuratively fucked you over for some reason – I don’t know but I do know and understand that if one of us fucked you over, it doesn’t mean that all or any of us would. Maybe it’s that “all or nothing” mindset, that “you’re either straight or gay” thing that a lot of people believes to be true.

It’s not true and I hate to tell you but it was never true. If you dislike us because we have some kind of straight privilege, lemme explain something to you that you may or may not want to believe: Our default behavior is to be straight… until we do something not-so-straight. It’s not a privilege – it’s a part of what we are. And I’ll add that if you have reason to riff at us over this so-called privilege, how do you explain straight-acting gay men and how do you justify them adopting straight behavior when, um, they’re not straight? The thing is that I know why and I understand it but does it not sound all that right for the pot to be calling the kettle black in this particular thing?

I don’t think it does… but I don’t have any “hate” in my heart for gay people… because it doesn’t make any damned sense to be that way. Still, the answer to the questions, for me, is still up in the air; to me, there’s no real definitive answer since, in my own experiences, I’ve met gay folks from both sides of the aisle.

Now I gotta go figure out how I went from watching one channel to another channel… but the TV’s telling that I’m still on the same channel I was originally watching…