Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: What About the Ladies?

Women can be bisexual – duh – and for a lot of the same reasons guys are, from wanting more in their sexual lives than just being straight provides to discovering that this is what’s been “missing” in their lives, to the emotional support and comfort that’s provided by being with someone who really does understand these things about women.

Women are so cool about it… and that perception comes from not really hearing a whole lot from women about any issues – doesn’t mean they don’t have them, from husbands/boyfriends who don’t understand their need and are highly disapproving of it to the social bullshit being spread around about them really being lesbians in denial, thots, and just conniving hussies claiming to be bisexual in order to get their hooks into a guy.  Then they have to deal with the notion that if they’re bisexual, that automatically seems to mean that they’re gonna be down for a threesome as well as contending with the fact that a lot of guys are of a mind that a bisexual woman is just da shit – it just doesn’t get any better than that, does it?

Now, whether a bi gal takes that last thing as a compliment or the annoying “insult” it’s often perceived to be is up to the individual.  Somewhere around, oh, 1971 or so, I overheard two girls in school talking in the lunch line at school (they were right behind me) and while I wasn’t paying attention to what they were saying, what did get my attention was one saying to the other, “Well, only a woman knows what a woman needs, right?”

The other girl replied in a noncommittal sort of way and as if she agreed but wasn’t sure that she did but that question stuck in my mind and was often reinforced because there seemed to be a lot of girls saying this in the form of a statement of “fact” and as a question.  I was privileged to have a few conversations with girls who didn’t mind talking about this and some of them said that while getting involved with guys was all well and good, um, for those things a woman just never seem to be able to get from a guy, well, only another woman would know about and understand these things and would be willing to be a provider.

Made sense to me and more so when one gal asked, “Do you really believe that when we have sleepovers, all we do is talk?  Hmm?”

And, um, yeah… up to that moment, I did believe that, not because I was that naive but because girls would easily make it known that when they had sleepovers, they talked about fashion, boys, and other girl-centric stuff so, sure, why would anyone think that something else was going on?

Who knew they were quite clever in not mentioning the, ah, non-verbal communication that could jump off?  Girls 1, Boys 0 – game over and thanks for coming.

One of the known double standards – and one that guys tend to riff about a lot at times – is that bisexuality in women is better accepted than it is between men… and no one seems to know why this is other than maybe no one really blames a woman for wanting to be with another woman and more so given how badly many have been treated and/or deprived, and just held back by men (and to our never-ending shame) so if “Gail” decided that being “Grace’s” friend and lover made some things right in her life, well, why not?  It ain’t like they’re not deserving of that succor and support, you know, because men are such insensitive and totally clueless assholes.

Then, bisexual women started getting some more unwanted attention – from true lesbians who just didn’t like bisexual women and tagging them as being in denial, having commitment issues and, in some cases, guilty of high treason to the lesbian cause.  Then it wasn’t bad enough that women have been subjected to slut-shaming over all this time but it got even worse for a woman to be known as bisexual – enter the greedy part of the angst toward all bisexuals and guys, man, riffing and raging at the bi gals because they had reason to not just give men the coochie; I actually heard a guy arguing with a gal who I assumed was his lady and he said, “Oh, you’ll give her the pussy without an argument… but I gotta beg you for it?  That’s some fucked up shit!”

Yeah… no wonder bisexual women aren’t of a mind to want to talk about this, huh?  And given how irrationally violent some men can be about this, it tends to lend some credence to the belief that a lot of domestic violence incidents involve bisexuals; sadly, I knew of a few ladies that literally got bitch-slapped because they were bisexual and, once more, making men more asshole-ish than we already were perceived to be.

I’ve read a few blogs that were written by bisexual women and I’m still a Contributing Author for a blog that supports bisexual women and gives them a place to talk about it:  http://biwifelifeblog.wordpress.com.  And, Christ Almighty, some of the things I’ve read on this blog alone are chilling to read of the strife some bisexual women endure and the problems they have in wanting to express their bisexuality, like all those men who, on the one hand, don’t really have issues with bisexual women… as long as their woman isn’t bisexual or the rejections they suffer through when trying to express themselves with other women who are lesbian and have that very same shitty and prejudicial attitude that that bi guys face when dealing with gay men.

And some of the things I’ve read by these women makes me feel ashamed to be a man given how the men in their lives tend to behave and it also pisses me off to be lumped in with those jerks.

Bisexual women, it turns out, aren’t exempt from the biphobic bullshit; the good thing, I think, that there are a lot of bisexual women who just don’t give a fuck what anyone else has to say that’s negative about their sexuality because, if for no other reason, a “call” once went out to all women to do whatever they gotta do to get theirs… but, um, that “call” wasn’t exactly specific about what “theirs” was to be about or meant so, sure, it makes sense to me – and I’ll even admit a bias because, you know, being bisexual myself, I tend to side with bisexual women – that if “getting theirs” meant literally having a girlfriend (with or without already having a man), well, that works.

Doesn’t it?  And, importantly, shouldn’t it work?

I sit and write about bi guys because, um, I know bi guys a whole lot better than I do bi gals – but not because I don’t know any (I do) and a lot of times when I write, the messages I try to get across isn’t always about bisexual men – it also can be applicable where bisexual women are concerned and more so when we do, in fact, have a lot in common as we face similar discrimination and social disapproval from a lot of the same sources – but the greater acceptance of bisexual women does give them a bit of an advantage even though many bisexual women have said that this acceptance is just men objectifying them even more than we already do.

To that end, yep – guys think this is so damned hot and erotic and porn, that medium that seems to live to objectify women, does an excellent job of showing guy just how hot and erotic it is… and because it is even hotter and more erotic than it appears to be… but not just because they’re making love to and with each other.  I’ve talked to a lot of guys and have heard them – and seen them – salivating over the thought of two women throwing it down with each other and I’ve told them that they really have no idea what’s really going on if, in fact, they’ve never actually seen it – and I have and, honestly, when it comes to passion and the expression of emotion, yeah, we can be pretty arrogant about being able to match this… or even come close such a powerful display.

We’re not worthy… and all you have to do is actually see two women making love to understand that and how humbling it is to be told that, okay, you’re not bad at eating pussy… but you really ain’t all that but with some additional training, you might just become a bit more adequate.

For me to say this isn’t objectification – it’s me understanding something that a lot of men don’t understand because they’re working from faulty information – usually porn – and that just doesn’t even begin to cover the depth of emotional expression that women are capable of with each other that some men can never hope to come close to.

They’re just better at it and, again, many bisexual women just don’t give a fuck who doesn’t agree with this because all it has to do is work for them – and it does work and

See, like most people, when you think “bisexual woman” you almost immediately think about the sex… but not what’s driving the whole thing for them.  A lot of people think of bisexual women in terms of being the mystical unicorn; it’s not really “proven” that they exist and if they do, it’s in very small numbers and small enough to make bi gals a rarity…

And you’d be wrong about them being a rare creature because, just like any other bisexual, you could be standing right next to a bisexual woman and not even know it… or you could be with a bisexual woman relationship-wise and not know it.

Because just as badly as some women can react to knowing their guy is going both ways, some men can be even worse to find out that his woman also happens to like women so, given how these situations tend to go, is there any wonder why bisexual women would kinda rather keep this under their hats?  If the reaction isn’t a violent one – and, sadly, sometimes it is – it’s a patently ridiculous one, like, all the bisexual women I’ve heard say that they’d never tell a guy – or their guy – that they’re as bisexual as the day is long because she knows that he’s gonna ask her if she wants to do a threesome and as if all bisexual women just live for something like that.

And if you know even the tiniest bit about women, you’d know that while it might be something to think about, nah, not really high on their list of things to do.  It’s not to say that some bisexual women don’t or wouldn’t enjoy such a sexual encounter because some do – it’s just not one of those “par for the course” kind of things that some people think it is – bisexual women would prefer to keep things simpler and in a one-on-one mode, thank you very much… and that’s not saying that all bisexual women have the sex that’s possible, just like there a slew of bi guys who haven’t had the sex and don’t want to; it just works for them to bask in the more emotional aspects that makes them quite comfortable with being bisexual.

Nothing wrong with that at all; just because you can do it doesn’t mean you should but if you can – and you want to – sure, why not?  Alas, there’s a lot of reasons why not and they’re not really all that different from why bi guys choose not to act on their feelings – again, there’s a lot more commonality going on here that meets the eye.

I just decided to write this to let any/all bisexual women or bi-curious women know that I haven’t forgotten you amazing women and that I’m not deliberately excluding you from my discussions about bisexuality because, again, a lot of what I write can also apply to bisexual women.  Just letting y’all know that if there isn’t many men on your side, I am because I get it.

Enjoy the rest of your day and, please, check out the Biwifelife blog if you have a chance.

 

Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: I Gots Nothing Today

No earth-shattering revelations or anything like that other than a question Cityman asked me last night (and I quote):  “Are you a more enlightened and emotionally developed person by virtue of your open sexuality?”

Wow – that’s deep… and I actually had to stop for a moment and think about that one and I had to think about it because it’s not something I really think about since I’ve been bisexual for so long.  My response was, “I think I am.”

Being bisexual is a life-changing event; it opens one to an aspect of life and human behavior that. by religious and moral mandates, we’re not ever supposed to pay any attention to outside of harboring negative and prejudicial thoughts and feelings about those who dare to step out of the box.  It’s like a revelation of sorts to be able to see more of the picture and even being very much aware that you hadn’t been seeing as much of that picture as possible.

While there are always rules to be followed, being bisexual taught me that ages-old adage that some rules are made to be broken and that many of those rules are repressive – designed to prevent one from understanding that sex and sexuality is a whole lot more involved than what we’ve been told.  For some, being bit by the bisexuality bug is an epiphany and more so if/when they’ve ever felt or wondered what was missing from their existence – and now they’ve found out what they’ve been missing.

It’s not just the sex even though when people think about bisexuality, they’re thinking about the sex that’s possible.  No, it’s how you begin to see the world around you and how… related a lot of things are.  You see a lot of the flaws that the rules contain and that the rules were, at some point in our development, very damned important but in the here and now?  Not really relevant and, more than anything else, wholly ineffective and unenforceable – unless you really do believe there’s a hell or purgatory you’re gonna be consigned to for not towing the line.

I’d never say that any of this makes me “better” than anyone else – I just understand some shit that, perhaps, not a lot of people have reason to think about; then, at least for me, it becomes a life-long quest to make sense of it all which isn’t all that easy because instead of things being as black and white as we tend to believe, things are a lot more colorful and not truly so much of a murky gray area that defies explanation… and one learns that to understand that gray area, one might find it easier to step into it and look around to get a sense of what’s really going on.

You learn that a lot of the shit you hear about being a man is, at best, inaccurate and even repressive in that men aren’t supposed to this or that, aren’t supposed to be emotional beyond being hungry, horny, or angry and that a lot of women are of a mind that men are emotionally closed off when, that’s not really what’s happening here; we have emotions and those quite similar to those that women experience – we’re just supposed to suppress them at every turn because they get in the way of “being manly…” and if you think that this sound patently ridiculous, it’s because it is…

And bisexuality opens one’s eyes to this aspect and as evidenced by all the things I’ve written about bi guys wanting and needed more emotional content and connections other than getting their dicks hard and busting a nut, um, not that doing just that can’t be a fun thing to do but we’re so much more than that and a lot of guys really don’t see this until bisexuality comes along and gives them that slap-in-the-face wake up call.

Being bisexual puts one in touch with their emotions and in a very confusing way, not because a bisexual man (in particular) isn’t capable of dealing with his emotions but because our emotions are supposed to be focused in a singular direction so it can be quite upsetting to find that this isn’t really the case.  If nothing else, an active bisexual man gets to understand a lot of what women get put through; no, it really doesn’t unlock the mystery that shrouds being female… but a lot of why women behave the way they do starts to make a bit more sense.  Hell, even a bi guy who isn’t active can get around to understanding a few things in this regard because one of the other things you get to understand is that this ain’t really rocket science.

Like being able to cut right through the nonsense that being bisexual ain’t the same as being homosexual; it exposes the fear other have that makes them run around saying that bisexuality ain’t real and has given rise to biphobia; it even has people slicing and dicing sexuality down to the nth degree in order to make themselves comfortable with being bisexual… or to keep the fear going and almost as if we, as humans, have this need to always be afraid of something and continuing the ingrained behavior of if it’s something we don’t understand, kill it.

You just – or, at least I just – see things the way they tend to be because bisexuality, if you’re of a mind to be affected this way, can make one be more objective than subjective – it’s not just about you but it’s also about everyone else who may be like you and does, in part, include those who aren’t.

Big picture stuff… not the tiny snapshot we tend to always look at; a broader spectrum of rules and not the singular aspect we’re commanded to pay the most attention to.

Then there’s the sex and as I allowed to Cityman, it has been eye opening and both in good and bad ways but sex, in and of itself, tends to teach these lessons regardless to one’s sexuality.  You learn that in this, men and women have a lot more in common with each other than is actually seen and that the differences, which are loudly pointed out, are more subtle than glaring, for instance, what’s the difference between a guy sucking cock and a woman doing it?  Just that there’s a guy or a gal doing it; otherwise, there’s no real difference.  There’s that one rather glaring difference when it comes to fucking but it’s still putting A into B or C, isn’t it?  And while I can’t speak for all bisexuals, there’s a simplicity that one becomes aware of and allows one to understand that when you get right down to it, we make this shit harder to do than it has to be.

I had the advantage of growing up when, “If it feels good, do it!” was coined… and being bisexual exposes you to more of what can feel good both physically and emotionally.  A short time later, women stood up and started telling men that we need to be more in touch with our feminine side, something that made a lot of men derisively fall onto the floor and laughing their asses off… and without understanding what women meant by this:  They didn’t mean we should be girly or feminine – we need to be more open about our emotions that have nothing to do with lust.

Being bisexual puts one in that rare position to be able to see both sides of the coin, as it were.  We know what it’s like and meant to be heterosexual… and we know what it’s like on the homosexual side of things and one of the really funny things that I’ve noticed and learned over all this time is that the difference between straight folks and gay folks is, simply, the people they choose to relate to – opposite sex versus same sex… but we all have the same agendas, the same purpose to make our lives the best they can be and, sure, being bisexual allows one to experience intimacy in that same unique way because we’re straight and gay… and not either thing exclusively.

And, sure enough, there are many who behave bisexually who will tell you in a heartbeat that they’re not bisexual… and you learn something about how people think about themselves and what drives some of them to think the way they do… and it’s enlightening, damned fascinating, and sometimes scary as hell because of what it says about us and how social programming has impacted us from the time we become old enough to understand it.

And if one can understand it at all.

Am I more “enlightened and emotionally developed?”  As I said, I like to think that I am but I also think the reality is that I understand some stuff that not a whole lot of people care to understand, that and I possess the curiosity to gain more understanding about something that, over all this time, has become second nature to me – I just don’t tend to think of it in those terms because, for me, it is what it is.  I accept it, went through all the soul searching and religious conflicts and questioned the morality of it all and, well, it still is what it is.

Being bisexual does make you feel weird – at first and until you can come to grips with it or, to steal that line from that Nike commercial, “It’s only weird if you don’t do it…” or if you find yourself unable to do it.  It drives home my thought that bisexuality isn’t just about what you do – it’s a way to be, a way to think, a way to see what being outside of the accepted boxes is like and acknowledging that being outside of the straight and gay boxes is both wonderful and scary as hell.

It’s funny… because straight folks are straight because they’re supposed to be and gay folks are of a mind that they had no choice in being gay and being bisexual is perceived to be so very different from what’s now considered to be normal… but there was a time when being homosexual was considered to be abnormal and being bisexual makes one aware of stuff like this but, again, I have the advantage of growing up in a time when this perception was the main focus of all the social and religious angst… and now it’s bisexuality’s turn to be in the gun sights.

Enlightened?  More emotionally developed?  Probably more like being a lot more aware of things, being able to see more of the big picture than we’re supposed to be looking at.  I’ve learned so much… and I’m still learning each and every day what it means to me to be bisexual and it’s not always about doing the nasty in some forbidden ways… then again, one of the other important things I learned is that thinking and doing aren’t always the same things.

In closing, Cityman said – and again I quote him – “There’s so much more self-discovery to be had by taking risks like this – which aren’t, in fact, all that risky.”

I responded with, “Well, sometimes, if it’s not risky, it ain’t fun.” and then with, “Again, the question is one of how risk-adverse a person is.” and then followed by, “Of course, taking risks is all good as long as it doesn’t blow up in your face.”

And being bisexual is risky… but so is being human – period.  The one thing that differentiates me from a straight or gay guy is that I’m not limited by the things that constrain them; the focus isn’t a singular one or one that gives me a great sense of tunnel vision; I understand that the way things are supposed to be isn’t the way things can really work.  Does understanding this make me more enlightened?  Maybe it does – I just know what I’ve seen and what I’ve experienced.

 

Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: Bottoms Up!

The thing that caught my eye on the forum today was a new comment to yet another old topic about giving or receiving and the original poster was asking about whether the fellas preferred to give head or receive it… and the conversation morphed into being a top or a bottom and the interest, fondness, or curiosity about getting boned in da butt.

Men… ya just gotta love how our minds work at times.

Someone pointed out that across a lot of threads, there seems to be a lot of bottoms on the forum, both experienced and those guys waiting for their moment to get the answer to the question, “What does it feel like to be fucked?”

Indeed, it seems to be a continuation of the thought that tops are a vanishing breed; I don’t think that’s really the case but perhaps more of a situation where there are a lot of guys who want to be the one on the bottom than at any other time – at least any other time that I can remember.  Then again, prior to the advent of the Internet, there weren’t many media tools available for guys to give voice to their preferences in this.

Must be some kind of karmic thing going on or something like that because my protege, Cityman, had said the same thing to me yesterday afternoon; while there are a lot of guys where he lives who wants to be the dude doing the poking, there are – to him – twice as many guys looking to be poked.

A bit of history from my perspective and observations:  Guys who preferred the bottom role (and before that connotation became a thing to be) were once thought of being less manly; they also tended to be guys who, if it weren’t for bad luck, they wouldn’t have any luck at all convincing a girl to have sex with them, either because of their looks, being quite, ah, chubby, or not having a print in their pants.  Some guys would be “bullied” into being a bottom, the thought here being that if you weren’t “man enough” to sling the dick, then the only value you had was to be the one taking it – then it was a toss-up for a guy to decide which thing would be the lesser of two evils:  Getting dicked in the ass or getting beaten up.

Or having the word get out that you got fucked by a guy… and that never happened.

Some guys suffered from their self-esteem damned near being on “E” and, as such, felt that if they were to have the sex they still needed – and just like all the other guys, perhaps letting another guy do it to them would be the thing to boost their self-esteem.  Peer pressure often played into this and a lot of guys succumbed or, really, submitted to the pressure being placed upon them because not many guys wanted the word to get out that they were a chicken and not have the intestinal fortitude to accept the challenge of a dare.   Yeah, some guys would get dared to give up their butt… and they’d prefer to bear up under the social slight of being a chicken rather than to experience what everyone seemed to know was a very painful thing to experience and, yeah, those who wouldn’t accept that particular dare would rather suck a dick than to, um, have a problem sitting down.

Not all guys who liked being on the bottom were coerced into being on the bottom; they tried and liked it and that was that; even among the horny group of dudes I hung out with, it was a matter of things being fair:  If you wanted to fuck a guy, you also had to be willing to be fucked.

Jump ahead many decades… and to a situation where instead of this being something dudes wanted to avoid whenever possible, it began to be a thing to do as well as a thing to be and the psychology of this is something I find utterly fascinating.  Where, once upon a time, a dude who got fucked was considered to be a bit girly if not outright gay, there are a great many guys who are very damned masculine when it comes to doing a lot of things in their lives but when they’re with another man, assuming the female/submissive role is just what works for them.

Why?  Well, as strange as it might sound, some guys really do get tired of being the dominant person in a sexual situation and always being the one to initiate sex and enduring the pressures involved in making sex good and satisfying and even more so for guys who found themselves with women who weren’t, let’s say, “sexually assertive” and the she’s the one to initiate sex and all that other good stuff.

So, for them, being a bottom for a guy is a kind of welcomed break; being the bottom guy and doing the cock sucking and getting boned goes a long way to restoring their sense of balance where their sense of self is concerned.  And, oh, yeah, lest I forget, for some guys, “being the girl” just flat out feels very damned good.

And, yes, I’ll once again point to porn, that medium that can make anal sex appear to be such a thing to experience, well, until a guy truly realizes that while porn makes taking a ten-inch dick in the ass look easy, eh, um, not really.  To this end, it often gives me a bad case of the giggles to see/hear a newbie who wants to experience being fucked state that the guy who gets to fuck him has to have a big dick and, in their mind, the bigger and fatter, the better; it makes me think, “Boy, are you gonna be in for one hell of a rude awakening!”

These days, some guys are looking to be pegged – they’d be in heaven if a woman would put on a strap-on and give them the business although, oddly, not all of the guys who’d want to be pegged are all that interested in having the real thing inside them and it’s my thought that if a woman does it, it’s not as “gay” as having a guy doing it – it’s probably the only thing that makes some kind of sense in this scenario.  Still, if a guy wants his lady to peg the living daylights out of him, it doesn’t necessarily mean he’s gay or that he really does want the real thing in him – it’s about being submissive to her.

For the guys who can’t get pegged or find a guy they can trust to give them the high hard one, many “train” for the day that they do get dicked… and they have quite the assortment of toys and many designed specifically to wreak havoc on a man’s prostate, our version of the famous G-spot in women.  Guys are walking around doing their usual routine with butt plugs of varying sizes inserted into them and I’m sure it gives them a private thrill to think that they’re at work or whatever they’re doing… and no one knows that he has his butt plugged up and because it not only feels good but, again, trains his sphincter muscles for the day when another guy mounts them and slides it in but, sure, if that moment never arrives, that plug sure does feel pretty good just the same.

It’s not just what bottoms are purported to do that’s fascinating – it’s why they want to be a bottom in the first place and reading what the guys on the forum have to say about this is just as fascinating, from what concerns them about this to what thrills them about it – and that includes the guys who aren’t quite ready to take this particular plunge.

And, something I think is quite important, is that a guy doesn’t have to be gay to want to have his prostate tickled and stimulated.  Historically, um, guys are supposedly not fans of having their butt hole messed with, as evidenced by how many guys actually cringe about having a doctor perform a digital rectal exam (DRE), something that’s very damned necessary for the detection of prostate cancer and a known killer of men.  

You wanna see a really macho kind of guy react in a very un-macho way?  Tell him he needs to go get fingered by his doctor and watch the look on his face.  Oh, they’ll do it… they just ain’t gonna look forward to it and they’ll have to really man-up to face a moment that only takes a couple of seconds to complete.  So, because we know this, I’d suppose that it would make most people think and believe that if a guy wasn’t eager to get a finger up their butt to ensure their continued good health, why would they want something other than a finger in their butt?

For a lot of reasons and because, for them, it feels good both physically and for their sense of self.  And for those guys who’ve always wanted to know what it is that women feel and experience when they get screwed, well, there’s really only one way to get that answer, isn’t there?  Despite everything we’ve ever heard about anal sex, it’s just very interesting that there seems to be a lot of guys who want and need to experience this and for whatever reason they want to.  I’m not saying this is a good or bad thing – it’s just interesting and more so when there was a time – and not really all that long ago – that finding a guy who’d let you do it to him like this was damned near impossible.

And while we tend to think that this is something that only gay men do to each other, well, that’s not totally true either – some gay guys would prefer not to get poked in the butt, thank you very much.  Not because of all the known risks involved in this but because, um, it really does hurt going in – and who wants to be bothered with that?

 

Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: Eagerness

After my visit to the forum just a few minutes ago, I thought it was a quiet kind of day until I saw a new response to what I think is a favorite recurring post/topic:

Swallowing.

I zipped through the previous responses to get to the most recent one and as I scanned everything, wow, it does my heart good to see so many guys not only being quite eager to suck cock but to swallow a guy’s load as well.  Those of you who aren’t into this are thinking, “Dude… ew!” but there’s a bit of a school of thought behind guys who want to do this that also ties into something I was thinking late yesterday evening, both before and after a conversation with Cityman about sucking dick (which I’ll get into in a moment or so).

As I’ve written before, there are entry levels to a guy’s foray in to M2M sex but it seems that the “main entry point” for a lot of guys is cock sucking – but mutual masturbation actually occupies the top spot where ease of doing goes.  Not all bi guys are into anal sex so when they want to have some sexy fun with another guy, they can either do some monkey spanking or cock sucking (and sometimes both).  Indeed, I know it’s just my opinion but cock sucking should be seen as a skill to be acquired and mastered since fucking might not be possible or even desired.

Ah, so many of the guys on the forum do suck cock and many more are waiting for their opportunity to do it but the big topic is what to do if/when the guy cums?  Sure, one of the other hot topics is about acquiring the taste but the guys who aren’t so much “worried” about that are still quite eager to experience what it feels like to have a guy cut loose in their mouth and, interestingly enough, many are working on ways to make their own nut disappear into their bellies, from licking their fingers clean after rubbing one out to trying to get into a position where they can, um, take it as straight to the head as they can.

Now, proper cock sucking etiquette says that swallowing is optional – it’s okay to spit it out and even remove the dick from your mouth before the other guy explodes… but why swallow in the first place?  It’s… “nasty” in a very odd but good way because, you know, guys aren’t supposed to be doing this in the first place while a lot of guys are of a mind that if they’re gonna put forth the effort to entice a guy to cum this way, they want the “reward” for that effort and, um, it’s an efficient way to, ah, get rid of the evidence, as it were.

At deeper levels, there’s something… satisfying about being in that precise moment; you’ve been applying your oral skills to this guy, enjoying the feel of his hardness in your mouth as well as getting a rush from how he’s responding to what you’re doing.  You’re into it and, I dunno, you kinda want him to cum and not so much because as long as he doesn’t, you can keep getting your oral fixation fix as well as driving him bat shit crazy.   For the most part – and more so if anal is off the table – you want him to cum in your mouth; a lot of guys are of the mind that if you’re sucking cock, why do it if you don’t want him to cum?  In another weird way, it just kinda makes sense, not only because it’ll make the other guy feel good but it also make you feel good, gives you a great sense of accomplishment to feel his cock pumping away while entrapped in the warm wetness of your mouth.

Those of you who aren’t into this are probably still thinking, “Ew…!”  But for bi guys who aren’t into getting poked in the butt, there’s nothing more intimate than experiencing this moment and, again, it’s the moment you’ve been working diligently toward.  For a lot of guys, making the other dude spill is one hell of an ego trip because, well, of a bit of a contradiction – he wants you to make him cum… and he’s also trying to hold off from doing it for as long as he can and if he’s pumping away later on, it’s a win/win but he also kinda loses, too, since he was, at one point, trying not to give it up to you.

Those of you who are into this know what I’m talking about; those who aren’t are still probably rolling your eyes so hard it’s making your head hurt… but for guys who are, basically, oral only coming out of the gate, it’s not like there’s a lot of other options, that and sucking dick is one of the biggest hurdles a guy who’s new to this has to get past and, again, as I’ve said so many times before, it looks like a lot of fun and looks kinda easy to do… until you have a dick in your face awaiting your attention.

As mentioned earlier, Cityman and I were talking about this and he kinda asked a rhetorical question along the lines of who knew sucking cock could be so much fun?  See, one of the myths about this is that all guys suck dick (and swallow) when that’s not really the case; there are guys who wouldn’t suck a dick if you stuck a loaded gun to their head and cocked it.  Some guys will do it because it’s expected of them and because it’s an expectation, eh, the less time spent doing it, the better so giving homey a few token sucks to get him good and hard is what the doctor ordered.

It seems, however, that for those guys who aren’t so much into sucking cock, they get to a point where, for some reason, handing out a good blow job just works and I’m thinking that sometimes it’s because they might not feel like laying the pipe to the other guy or, even simpler, poking the other guy isn’t what he wants to do or needs.  I reminded him that there are times when you don’t have the time to do anything more involved than exchanging blow jobs so if that’s the case, why not do your best to enjoy your part of the arrangement?

Some guys take to this like the proverbial duck to water while others have to learn how to like doing it which, again, isn’t as easy as it sounds – you’re still about to do something you’ve been told that guys aren’t supposed to do to and with each other and I’ve even learned that in that moment of truth, the guy about to do it for the first time isn’t really thinking about having a dick in his mouth…

He’s wondering and worried about getting a mouthful of warm spunk and, better, what to do with it.  A few weeks ago (I guess), I wrote a little something about seeing a video of a guy sucking on a dick and that look of total surprise that came across his face as the dick he was sucking blew up in his mouth – the guy’s cheeks puffed out and comically so and I mention this again because one can be quite surprised by this and, sometimes, I have the thought that some guys think that the other guy busting a nut always takes a long time so, as such, they have “time” to think about what, if anything, they’re gonna do should the other guy cut loose.

To this, ah, damn… forget the shit you might see in any kind of porn that has cock sucking in it – keep in mind that those things are edited but in real life, it can take a long time… or not and when you’re not expecting the guy to cum, yeah, you get surprised and like the guy in the video, you wind up swallowing more out of self-defense than a deliberate intent to swallow.  And, yes, every time I think of that video, it’s pretty damned funny thinking about his reaction.

Cityman shares that he finds himself getting more and more into sucking cock and, frankly, I’m not in the least bit surprised; not only do you have to learn how to do it, you also (again) have to learn how to like doing it and then not be afraid of what’s gonna happen if you keep doing it in a way the other guy really likes.  I recall talking to a guy once who was telling me about his first experience and his reaction to having a load pumped into his mouth and, at least to me, it was as if he didn’t expect it to happen – maybe the other guy told him that he’s never been made to cum via oral or something along those lines.

I remember asking him, “Um, what did you think was gonna eventually happen?”  and I shit you not – he replied, “It wasn’t that!”  Maybe he was expecting a warning – which is quite polite, by the way – and he was miffed because he didn’t get that warning?  I’m not sure but what I know is he wasn’t happy about it.  It was all I could do not to laugh when he made a face and griped about having to swallow it and I had to ask him, “Was it really that bad?”

He had to think about it for a few seconds before he admitted that, no, it wasn’t that bad – he just didn’t expect it and even today, I find such a thought both curious… and funny as all get out.

You don’t have to swallow it if you don’t want to – some guys know this and some guys just assume that if you suck a dick, you have to swallow and, indeed, with a lot of guys, swallowing is expected and if one doesn’t swallow, it’s a major deal breaker.  I just think it’s cool that a lot of guys are eager to swallow because, if nothing else, you’re never gonna know whether you like it or not unless – or until – you do.  A lot of guys hear the horror stories told by other guys and they determine that, nah, I don’t think I’d like doing that but not thinking or considering that just because one guy had an unpleasant experience, that doesn’t mean you’re gonna have an unpleasant one… but, yeah, those unpleasant ones do happen; I don’t know anyone who sucks cock who hasn’t had their share of moments when they wished they hadn’t done it but that’s kinda to be expected and I’d say – and say it again and again – that porn makes it look like the coolest and hottest thing to do other than fucking… but they’re never gonna show you those moments when sucking dick and/or swallowing becomes an epic fail – but that’s why they can edit the shit out stuff and only show you the good stuff.

Swallowing is a choice and even those folks who don’t have any qualms about swallowing don’t always swallow.  I’ve said that, in this, it’s not really about what the other guy wants you do to with it – it’s about what you wanna do with it and that includes not letting it into your mouth at all if you don’t want to.

 

Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: Yet Even More Changes in the Dynamic

One of the hallmarks of M2M sex was that guys could engage in it in the casual or NSA mode or, “Hey, ya know, I kinda like you and I wanna have sex with you… but not like we’re boyfriends or anything like that, okay?”  And as long as guys “agreed” that there wasn’t going to be anything like “falling in love” taking place, sure, if you could connect with that one guy who you could throw it down with – and it wouldn’t progress past having good sex, why not?

The mindset at the time was that if a guy got… emotional with another guy, that’s a pretty gay thing to have happen and bi guys were all about not appearing to be gay at all – just wasn’t a good thing to get hung onto you.  That’s not to say that some guys didn’t get “turned out” or they got really “hooked” on the sex and that equated to becoming emotionally connected with the guy and if that was the case, a lot of guys would keep it under their hats because if they revealed this to their male partner, chances were good that their… ah, association, would come to a screeching halt and like running into a brick wall at 60 mph.

So, for the longest time, NEC – no emotional connection – was pretty much implied and if you felt such a connection, you’d be better off not letting it be known, not if you didn’t want to go back to sleeping with any guy who was willing and not have the “security” of having that one male sexual playmate.

These days, guys are becoming more and more about the emotional connection and in a way that’s more than just being friends and lovers but not quite at the “he’s my boyfriend” level.  As I’ve written in past scribbles, some guys will not jump into the pool unless that connection is present right off the bat and there are some guys who are wondering why they can’t seem to make that emotional connection with a guy of their choosing… or any guy at all.

The thing is that emotional connections just don’t happen on their own as a matter of course.  Sure, one can get hit with an emotional connection out of the blue and more along the lines of a guy not expecting such a thing to happen then – pow! – there’s the connection.  It seems to me, however, that the guys who are looking for that connection just expect it to materialize out of the ether and some get pretty disappointed when it doesn’t happen like that… and I wonder if they’re aware that if such a thing doesn’t happen right away – think love at first sight – it takes x-amount of time to develop an emotional connection and is dependent upon a lot of factors coming together and beginning with being exposed to one guy long enough to really get a feel about who he is as a person.

If you’re the kind of bi guy who prefers to not “settle down” with one guy, trying to establish an emotional connection ain’t gonna be easy since you might see a guy today… and be with another guy tomorrow… and yet another guy the day after that and then the connection is pretty much limited to what do you wanna do, when do you wanna do it, and where do you wanna do it.  If you roll like that, you could sleep with quite a few guys and never really get close to an emotional connection and simply because, again, these things take time and if you’re not taking the time – and bed-hopping doesn’t really allow this – well, if you’re looking to become emotionally connected to a guy, guess what ain’t likely to happen?

The guys sitting on the bench because they want and need (and even demand) this connection, at least to me, don’t seem to understand that if you don’t get your ass out there and check guys out, you’re gonna find yourself sitting on the sidelines and continuing to wonder why you can’t find a guy you can connect with emotionally or, um, to make an omelet, you gotta break some eggs.

I keep having this pop into my head when guys are talking about their need for an emotional connection:  Women for a relationship and find sex while men look for sex and find a relationship and if this is even the tiniest bit true, those guy sitting on the bench are pretty much trying to put the cart before the horse and more so since it’s somewhat improbable that you’re just gonna talk to a guy a few times and that emotional connection gets established.  Not saying that it couldn’t happen like that but that’s why I used the word “improbably” and not “impossible.”

That some bi guys are kinda/sorta leaning in this direction is actually a good thing because it dispels the myth that the only emotion we care about is lust and that we’re not considering the person we’re slaking our lust with beyond getting dicks hard and making them soft.  There seems to be more of a move toward “relationship sex,” which very much plays into what a lot of us have been taught about such things, i.e., never have sex with someone you don’t have real feelings for (and like lust is a fake feeling, right?) or aren’t otherwise invested in… and this “requirement” isn’t as “gay” as it was once thought of back in the day.

Cityman and some of the guys on the forum have pointed out that, wow, there seems to be a glut of bottoms – guys who have assumed the female/submissive role in sex and for many bottoms, just being on the receiving end of the high hard one isn’t enough; it’s not a bad thing, mind you, but wouldn’t it be better if you were into the guy and he was into you?  And isn’t it true that sex just works better with that connection in place?

The thing, though, is that not all guys are about that “not quite my boyfriend” emotional connection.  There’s been a huge push to establish that FWB connection and the B being implied after the F has been established first and foremost and, well, having that one guy you can be friends and lovers with does make sense and in a great many things… except, and as I previously wrote about, it seems that guys are taking the “simple” concept of FWB and, sorry, Emeril, kicking it up a notch.

For some guys, the absence of that emotional connection doesn’t stop them from getting naked with other guys – needs must and all that.  But a lot of them also say that after the fact, bleh, they don’t feel as… satisfied and as if something is missing.  Some say that they’ve come away from a sexual encounter feeling… used – ladies, any of this sounding familiar to you?  That some men despise being made to feel like a piece of ass isn’t some new thing and some of you might be surprised that men can feel like that at all, you know, given our ability to have sex with women and not really being interested in being emotionally connect to them at any point outside of asking, “Can I hit that again?”

So in the world of M2M, there’s a slow departure from sex and having it just for the sake of having it or doing it just because it can be done.  This still works for a lot of guys, not because they’re really emotionally closed off but getting “that emotional” just poses a problem for them they’d rather not deal with, like how Cityman tells me how it often annoys him at how clingy his boys tend to be with him.

I’m just the bi guy sitting back and seeing this and wondering what’s going on here.  I wonder if male bisexuality, in particular and maybe even specifically, is being… normalized, i.e., men are starting to relate with other men and in similar ways that we’d relate with women… or in the way women would prefer us to relate to them, if you will.  Men are and can be quite emotional – it’s just one of those things where we’ve been told – and in no uncertain terms – that expressing those deeper emotions is a weakness and not a strength… and we are never, ever, to appear to be weak.  And maybe, just maybe, there are a lot of bi guys who are seeing this for the pure bullshit that it is and somehow understanding that if being emotionally connect (or otherwise into) women is a good thing, then why shouldn’t it be a good thing for men to be emotionally connected?

Perhaps they’re beginning to understand that really liking a guy doesn’t actually make them gay, as it was once believed to be the case?  And some guys are wondering if this need for an emotional connect means that they’re more gay than they believed themselves to be.  The “bad” part in this is that gay men haven’t exactly made themselves shining examples of how a guy can really be into guys and especially those really effeminate gay fellows.  For instance…

My baby was watching one of those reality shows – one of the Hip-hop in some city things – and there was these two gay guys – one out, the other not so much – and I’m guessing that they were kinda like a couple but the one gay dude went to a party and was seen with his ex – and the out and really effeminate gay dude jumped to conclusions, assumed that his boyfriend was cheating on him with his ex, and went bat shit ballistic and was ready to fight – and the on-set security made sure that didn’t happen.

And if you think that this is just reality show exaggeration, you’d be somewhat incorrect about that because that kind of behavior has been going on before the advent of reality TV and having seen that kind of behavior, yeah, sure… what guy wants to get that emotionally involved with another guy and have some shit like this jump off?  And since some guys don’t want to deal with all that drama, well, it’s just best to avoid that connection as much as possible and, really, it’s already been proven that you can dick a guy down and have fun doing it (and getting done) without that connection being in play.

And I also think that guys who think like this either don’t know – or are able to intuitively figure it out – that if you have sex with someone enough times, those deeper emotions can get unlocked and like a master thief picking the lock on a door.  Despite this… push, there are guys who seem to understand that the more they do the nasty with guys, the greater the chance of becoming emotionally connected gets… and they’re not sure what they’re gonna do if it happen.

I sit back and observe… and think, “Wow, this is different…” and only in the sense that some bi guys are being more vocal about their emotional needs where other men are concerned.  The camp is still somewhat divided; some guys want the sex but don’t want to get embroiled in a relationship while some guys want to get roasted in the flames until they’re golden, brown, and delicious and because just having great sex just isn’t enough – it satisfies the body but not their emotions.

Is it a good or bad thing that the dynamic is drifting in this direction?  I dunno – and it’s not for me to say one way or the other.  I just see guys talking about it and it gets me to thinking – and writing – about what I’m seeing and it allows me to look back at the way things used to flow and compare that time with what’s going on – or what seems to be going on – in the here and now.

At the end of any day, it’s all about what works for a guy in this, isn’t it?  Male bisexuality was seen as being a departure from heterosexuality and approaching homosexuality and while some guys would go from straight to gay and with a short stay at bisexual, I wouldn’t say that if a guy is bi, he’s gonna keep going to be fully homosexual because, um, the same guys who are into that emotional connection still very much love women and pussy… and perhaps what’s happening here is a kind of leveling out or equalization of some sorts or even a kind of normalization where guys interacting with other men isn’t all that different from the way they also interact with women.

The jury is out; more observation is called for but, y’all know me – I’m just the guy with the nerve to talk about this and ask, even rhetorically, what’s going on with this these days.  The thing that puzzles me in all of this is how those guys sitting on the bench – and refusing to get off the bench unless that connection is present – expects for it to be made if they’re not – or avoiding for some reason – getting their asses out there and interacting in some way – and I don’t mean just sexually, either.

It seems to me that if you’re willing to jump into the pool with the right guy, um, don’t you have to go looking for him?  Or are you unrealistically expecting him to drop out of the sky and into your lap and just because that’s what you’ve been fervently wishing for?  I recall talking to one of the guys on the forum about this and him not being really happy about not being able to find that one guy he could emotionally connect with and his “decision” to stop having sex with guys until he could find “The One.”

I said to him that this approach didn’t make a lot of sense because if you’re not willing to get out there and, um, interview guys, what do you hope to accomplish in this?  Many bi guys complain about not being able to find a guy… but, um, damn:  If you’re not rolling up your sleeves – and, yes, drop your drawers if ya have to – and doing the work to find a guy, what the fuck are you really doing?  In every city in this country, there are guys looking for that one guy they can engage with so when a guy says he can’t find anyone, what he really means is that he can’t find that one guy who’d suit all of his needs and especially the emotional ones… and it’s my contention and belief that you’re not gonna find that guy unless, again, you get off your ass and actively look for him and, importantly, I think, decide on what you’re willing to do to get this guy and how badly you want him.

And if you want and need that emotional connection, it sure as hell ain’t gonna happen all by itself and without any effort placed in that direction.

 

Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: A Misconception of Sorts

Just left the bi guy forum and reading where a guy shared that he’s worried that his bisexuality isn’t progressing because while he can throw it down with another guy, there’s no emotional content (other than lust).  This is an aspect of male bisexuality that some men avoid like the plague while others do look for that deeper emotional connection with a guy and I can understand why a guy might be… concerned that he’s not feeling that and it’s probably because he expects to or even that he’s required to.

He shared that he can have sex with a guy, do the kissy face stuff and other than sexual satisfaction, there’s no emotional bond being established and I frankly told him that if he thinks there’s something wrong, um, there isn’t; some guys can let their shields down and let the deeper emotions flow and many guys just can’t and methinks one reason is that we’re taught to only show those deeper emotions when involved with women, that and we’re also taught to let our emotions – other than perhaps lust – rule us.

It’s not that men are without this capacity to be more emotional with other men; it’s just something that tends to be outside of what we’d consider to be our “normal” emotional experiences.  We can like a guy, can most certainly find reason not to like a guy and, indeed, there are guys we can feel emotionally close to and in that “I love you like a brother!” sense.  So when a guy like the fellow that feels he’s not progressing says that an emotional connection is missing, it makes me wonder if he’s really looking for this or, again, he’s of a mind that if he’s doing the nasty with a guy, he should be feeling something other than lust for the dude.

True enough, a lot of guys won’t engage with another man unless there’s some sense “being into” involved; equally true, there are a lot of guys who go into this doing their level best to avoid those deeper emotions, only to get busy with a guy and find his emotions suddenly unlocked and laid bare.  Guys like to think that this can’t and maybe shouldn’t happen but, as with so many other things about this, what you think shouldn’t happen and what can happen aren’t the same things.

One of the problems with being emotional with a guy – or anyone else, for that matter – is that we are taught, instructed, even demanded to only feel something for one person at a time and, yeah, that includes feeling lust for more than one person.  Another is the thought that if you feel a deep emotional connection for someone, something has to be done about the way you’re feeling about them; to this end, my thoughts have been along the line that if there’s something you have to do about your feelings, accepting that this is the way you feel is the most important things to do.

We are taught and required to only have sex with someone we are emotionally invested in – usually women – so a lot of guys do have “problems” with throwing it down with another guy and they’re not emotionally invested in the guy they’re having sex with and, yeah, maybe it confuses them that they can do the deed with a dude and they’re not feeling anything more than the urge they had to get naked with him.

The guy writing about this mentioned kissing and hugging and I got the sense that maybe he was thinking that doing these particular things should – or are supposed to – unlock that emotional content and all I can say about that is sometimes it does or doesn’t.  Kissing is often seen as being a very intimate thing to do and maybe we tend to believe that even in sex, um, maybe we shouldn’t be kissing someone or cuddling with them without that deeper emotional connection in place… and it just continues to amaze me at how parochial we can be about having sex and what that’s supposed to mean other than scratching that itch to have sex.

I’ve heard (and seen) guys say, “I don’t like men like that!” and what this means is that they don’t like men the way they’d like women and I’ve asked them this:  Who says you have to like men like that?  All you have to do is like them enough to have sex with them, right?  Indeed, there are some bi and even gay guys who insist that if you don’t “like men like that,” you couldn’t possibly be bisexual and probably because somewhere along the line, the emotional aspects are implied or, using a simple kind of logic, if you can feel deeper things for women that you have sex with, you should also feel them for any man you’d have sex with.

On the real, ah, it doesn’t work like that.  Emotional connections, if they don’t appear spontaneously, have to be developed or, as I told the guy on the forum, you have to want the connection; you have to ask yourself what else other than sex do you want/need from another guy; and then, if you manage to get your head around these two things, now it’s all about not being afraid of what you’re feeling.

Being bisexual is a departure from things heterosexual… yet, these days, I see a lot of guys dealing with men and as if they were dealing with women – ladies, you know I mean no offense so put the knives away.  They are of a mind that how they’d relate to a woman should be applied to relating with men… and that’s not quite a mistake but a misconception and one that begins with a rather obvious fact:  Um, we’re not women so what makes a guy think, feel, and/or believe that he should react and relate to men in the same way he would with a woman?  Maybe it kinda/sorta makes sense in that while we might not be used to dealing with men at deeper emotional levels, we are used to this with women and, again, it’s some kind of cockeyed logic at work or some kind of expectation of something a guy think is needed… but may never materialize as expected.

Then there’s this bit of an oxymoron: Bi guys do not ever want to be confused with or misidentified as gay men… but some of them want to behave as a gay man might behave, like being into other men and looking for that emotional hookup to alive and active.  And it’s not like there aren’t men who are aware of this because, again, a whole lot of guys avoid emotional connections (outside of lust and friendship) like the Black Plague and even if their emotions get unlocked via sex – and sex has the power to do just that (you know, just in case you thought otherwise), um, chances are good the unlocked guy isn’t going to say a whole lot about it, not because he’s ashamed of how he’s now feeling, but because if he tells the other guy how he’s now feeling, whatever they had with each other just might wind up ending.

If you’re a guy who isn’t gay and you wanna shake up another guy?  Tell him that you love him or that you feel that you’re falling in love with him… and watch how the other guy reacts.  You have a 50/50 chance of him either accepting this… or hauling ass in the opposite direction like his hair is on fire.  Yeah… even with things between men, we’re still not fans of being rejected because of the way we feel; it straight up sucks to put your heart on your sleeve and to pour it out to someone and it’s not taken seriously or is otherwise rebuffed, rejected, and/or dismissed.  And, yeah, there are some guys who feel that making such an admission is just “too gay” for their sensibilities which, really, is a misconception because it’s not gay to have feelings for another guy that are outside of lust.

Some guys have a hard enough time dealing with the fact that they do, in fact, feel huge amounts of lust for other men so you might be able to imagine how big of a wrench gets tossed into the works when they discover that, holy shit, they really do love this guy… and not like a brother… and it is important to recognize something about that “I love you like a brother” thing:  No matter how you compartmentalize it, love is still love, ain’t it?  So when a guy tells his best friend that he loves him like a brother, he’s just not saying it because, duh, that’s the way he feels.

I mean, really:  How do you think bro jobs really happen, hmm?  Some guys dismiss or perhaps don’t understand that if you’re friends with someone, you’ve already established a bit of an emotional bond.  It might not prompt you to jump your friend’s bones (and you’d probably not be surprised when I say that sometimes, that’s exactly what it does) but the connection is there nonetheless.  And because letting that connection develop as it might is, again, seen as being “too gay” for a lot of guys, if the connected deepens, um, well, let’s just keep that under our hats, okay?

This is one of those things that I understand… and don’t understand and I don’t understand it because I’m not completely sure why a guy believes that he has to be deeply and emotionally connected to another guy… unless, deep down inside, this is what he really needs as a part of those many things that make us okay with ourselves.  Do you have to “be into a guy” to have sex with him?  No, not really – you just have to want to do it and, hopefully, he wants to as well.  It’s a long-held belief that women do require us to be into them – but that’s to be expected, wouldn’t you agree, and more so when getting into her panties is concerned.

And to this end, there are a lot of guys behaving like women in this sense and even expecting another guy to behave and react in the same way.  I’m not saying this is wrong or anything because if that’s what works for you, go for it; I’m just saying that there are guys who just aren’t gonna to react to other men and in that deeper emotional state or mode, if you will.  Yes, we can and do feel affection for other guys and, yes, we can actually “fall in love” with another guy even though that kinda gets sliced and diced in our heads so that what we feel isn’t quite what it really is; “Frank” might discover that he does, in fact, love “Jim” and in every way that means (or in whatever it’s supposed to mean) and “Frank” will, most likely, admit to himself that he does love “Jim” but put some qualifiers at the end of that… and he’s not very damned likely to tell “Jim” how he really feels…

Because, supposedly, we’re not to let those kinds of emotions be seen or expressed to anyone but women – and women get pissed with us because, um, most of the time, we don’t even let them know the depth of our feelings for them – think “emotionally closed off guy” if that helps you understand this in context.  It’s not that we can’t be that emotional – we’re just not supposed to be because being that emotional is seen as being weak… or being quite gay, depending on who you’re talking to.

I keep saying in these scribbles that if you think women are funny about a lot of things, men are proving to be even funnier than women are and, as always, I’m the guy who’ll point these things out and even question them as I work at making sense of them myself.

In a somewhat related post, the fellas were talking about whether or not a guy’s looks are important to them… and almost all of the respondents said that they are and some were kind enough to make their specific preferences in this known, from looks to body type and, yup, cock size.  And I find it all horribly fascinating because it says something about men – or bi guys in particular – that unless you knew of the stuff we talk to each other about, you’d never be aware of it.

This “being into” or expectation of progressing toward the emotional is just one of those really fascinating things.  While there are a lot of guys who are more than capable of just operating under the auspices of their lust – which is still lots of fun, mind you – there are guys emerging who are looking for or expecting more from a guy than mere lust… and in a situation that, historically (for lack of a better word) has been more about lust than love for bi guys.  No, there’s really nothing wrong if they want/need to express these deeper feelings but there’s nothing really wrong if they don’t or find that they can’t.

I’m just curious as to why they think they have to, that’s all.

 

Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: Top or Bottom?

On the heels of having scribbled, “TBT:  Reflections,” I saw this on the bi guy forum and it spurred me to write about it.  Of all the things M2M, this is one of the things that tends to mystify me and it’s in the form of a question:  How does a guy decide to be just a top, just a bottom, or to be both… and then, how does he decide on this without any actual sexual experience with another guy?

The terms of top, bottom, and versatile didn’t exist when I began my trip down this sexuality road and with the very horny guys I grew up with, you just did it all; you topped, you bottomed, you switched, you sucked dick and all in one “session” because nothing else made sense and to not be engaged in every aspect was deemed to be unfair.

So when one guy looked at another and asked the magic question:  “Hey – do you wanna do it?” it was implied that everything two guys could do to and with each other was gonna be done.  Eventually, guys began to settle into that which they liked the most but the main point here is that this… settling in didn’t happen unless one had engaged in all three of the modern roles of top, bottom, or versatile.

We learned by doing or, if you will, getting done.  Today, there are a lot of guys who somehow are able to decide which role they’d prefer to adopt and without any real experience whatsoever.  The bi guy forum seems to be “top heavy” with bottoms and wannabe bottoms; a lot of the experienced bottoms grudgingly admit to liking to top every now and then but express the preference of being on the receiving end of things.

Indeed, a lot of the forum’s bottoms got their “start” being bottoms and I’d suppose that it just made sense for them to remain bottoms because, um, they really liked bottoming more than anything else, that and some guys adopt the bottom role because when they’re having sex with women, they are always topping and as strange as it might sound, eh, that gets rather pedantic after a while and more so when a guy wants to experience being the one getting dicked and creamed.

And, perhaps, this is the same reasoning used by those guys who haven’t had a M2M experience yet and the one they want to experience is being a bottom?  I’m not sure and because there are aspects to this that evade every attempt to put it into words that make sense, it’s often not easy for a guy to explain how and why he’s made a choice about something he’s yet to actually do.

Over the decades, I’ve seen M2M stuff make what is to me an odd progression, that being, guys settling into a role and one that is “clearly” defined, i.e, tops do this, don’t do that and bottoms follow an identical “guideline.”  Tops may or may not suck cock (many don’t); their job is to offer up their cock to be sucked and as a prelude to getting it into the bottom’s bottom and busting that nut.  Bottoms seem to be relegated to sucking cock then offering their butts to be reamed and creamed…

And there’s no deviation allowed or expected; if you’ve declared yourself as a bottom, the thought that you could be called upon to top someone is… unthinkable and even undesirable; likewise, if you’re a top, having someone ask you to bottom for them is deemed to be undoable.  I recall having this discussion with Cityman way back when we first started talking to each other and his asserting that he was all top and that bottoming just wasn’t gonna happen.  Nothing unusual about this because I’d seen guys “automatically” assume this role and if for no other reason than for them, it was all about fucking and with zero thought to being fucked.

Which made me ask him, “What are you gonna do when you find yourself wanting to be topped?”  And then tell him – and with a certainty he wouldn’t have been familiar with at that time, “There will come a time when despite being a top, you will want to be topped.”

Needless to say, he didn’t believe me – but I knew he wouldn’t because it seems that even between bisexual men, once you adopt a role, it’s never supposed to change and there’s no reason for it to change.  This mindset speaks to a certain kind of “black or white” thinking and perhaps even a large amount of hubris to think and/or believe that finding themselves in the opposite role that they’ve adopted just can’t happen.

But I still don’t know or fully understand how a guy who has never had a sexual experience with another man can make such at hard-set decision.  I know that there are actually guys who think/believe that if they’re the ones doing the fucking, what they’re doing to the other guy isn’t gay and the same applies to sucking dick… and, at least to me, that’s so far from the truth that it’s really kinda funny to find a guy who believes this.  I get that a guy who tops wants to continue being a man and masculine so being the one laying the pipe is simply an extension to the sex he has with women; then you add in the known fact that taking a finger in the ass – let alone a hard dick – um, well, that shit hurts so it does make sense that there are guys who would rather avoid that.

A lot of bottoms talk about being/feeling submissive… or wanting to be made to feel this way and for the longest time, I’ve suspected that these guys are “automatically” adopting the female/submissive role in sex and all that’s been implied by this role and determined by how women are placed into this role and almost by default, as it were.  I know – and even if they’ve yet to learn – that while this sound rather attractive, to actually be subjected to a man’s lust isn’t always what it’s thought to be.  Comparatively speaking, sucking cock and sucking a guy off is easy… taking the preferred “big cock” in their butt – and then having it hammered “unmercifully” is a very different kettle of fish.  It’s not that the guy who lacks experience being topped doesn’t understand this because, for real and on the forum, there are again a lot of bottoms who are more than happy to share their experiences, both good and bad and I’d never say that having access to the experiences of others doesn’t go a long way to allowing an inexperienced guy to decide which role he’d prefer to be in.

I just don’t think that they’ve really given any thought to how the dynamic can really work… and it’s not always the way you’d prefer it to.  Cityman tells me about the push back he gets when he does, indeed, wants to be topped… and the guys he’s surrounded himself with just flat out refuse to top him; they’re bottoms, first, foremost, and always and he asks me why they won’t use their dicks and like they’re supposed to be used.

And the only answer I can give him is that either they believe – or have been made to believe – that they’re “lousy” at topping or otherwise believe that they can’t top… and even they’re not supposed to change horses in mid-stream.  In similar discussions with Cityman, I’ve asked him, “What happens when two tops or two bottoms find each other interesting enough to hook up?”

If you buy into the whole M2M top/bottom thing, logically, nothing can happen because these guys have locked themselves into a singular role while dismissing the fact that something could happen if two tops found each other “irresistible” or two bottoms did; the thought here – and it probably sounds a bit insane – that when it comes to sex, someone always has to be “the guy,” and someone always has to be “the girl” – and, as always, I don’t mean any disrespect to any woman reading this – it’s just the dynamic everyone knows about, like it or not.

If a guy settles into a particular role because he’s tried them all, well, I can understand that because nothing teaches you better about what you like and don’t like than actual experience… but I remain a bit flummoxed to make sense of how a guy “understands” this without one lick of experience and even basing their decision on what other men have spoken to or, gasp, what they’ve seen watching gay porn.

And maybe, just maybe, things M2M have progressed in a way where a guy doesn’t really need any actual experience?  See, I know that there are guys who have, indeed, wondered what a woman feels when she’s getting boned and, by extension, what it would feel like to be boned himself… and somewhere in his thoughts, he just decides that should he have that first M2M experience, it will be as a bottom – and I’m just not able to confirm that this is really the “legit” mechanism outside of some inexperienced guys saying, “I think I’d like this more than topping.”

What I’ve come to understand is how rigid these roles are and how some “dedicated” bottoms, when asked, will tell you in no uncertain terms that they know for a fact that they wouldn’t want to top a guy and they sure as hell wouldn’t like it… and when they’ve never topped a guy or has been asked to.  Tops aren’t all that different in this school of thought; they know, without any doubt whatsoever, that they wouldn’t like being topped and they’d never want to be topped and no power in this whole world could convince them to be topped…

Which also explains how totally surprised a dedicated top or bottom can be when they find themselves in the opposite role… and find it to their liking despite their thoughts otherwise.  That’s about the time when the waffling begins:  It’s not something they’d do all of the time but, sure, with the right guy, they’d engage in topping or bottoming.

And I just wonder what the hell is really going on in their minds about their adopted roles and why they’re of a mind that one role is “better” than the other and that it’s not possible to literally go both ways and within a sexuality whose hallmark is having the ability and desire to go both ways.

End of the day, this is one of those things that, in a way, I do kinda understand… and don’t.  If a guy has gone both ways with another guy and has decided on which role best suits his needs, okay, that makes a lot of sense to me… but to decide on a role with zero experience makes me wonder how a guy can be so sure that his chosen role is gonna be the one that’ll best suit his needs and, by extension, why a guy would and can decide that once he picks his role, it can’t be changed or, at the least, interchanged with the other roles.

Life is full of examples of people making decisions that are not based on experience, like eating sushi, for example.  People think it’s just raw fish and, ew – not gonna like that, let alone eat it!  But sushi isn’t just raw fish and a lot of it isn’t even fish – it’s veggies and even if it is seafood, it’s seafood that has to be cooked before it can be served.  Ah, but some “sushi haters” get convinced to try a California roll and, what do you know?  That ain’t bad at all!  And, yeah, some take that leap of faith and give, say, a piece of sushi topped with tuna… and find it to be quite delicious when it’s not cooked.  And, oh, yeah, if you’re a sushi hater, I gotta mention that sushi isn’t about the fish or whatever – it’s about the rice.

Anyway, I wanted to get this off of my mind even as I continue to work on this “mystery” in the background.  I am very much aware that how guys today go about things M2M is very different from the way guys went about it in decades gone by; we learned what we liked/disliked by doing – the mechanism guys today use to determine their likes/dislikes is unknown or, at the least, uncorroborated and undocumented other than guys saying, “I know this is what I want to do with another guy…”

And maybe that’s all that’s needed here in the 21st century.