Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: What Price…

…do you put on your sexual satisfaction? Another good question is who’s responsible for this – you or others? Even though the question of whether bisexuality is real or not is still being hotly debated and contested, behind the scenes – or, under the radar, if you will – a lot of people are of a mind to stop putting limits on their sexual satisfaction, to not make the price too or so high that it’s unaffordable and that they are personally and directly responsible for seeing to their satisfaction rather than relying on someone else to take care of things.

We know what the rules of relationships say about this: Whomever you’re with, that’s who you have to work with in this and no outside sources allowed. That puts a great deal of pressure on folks knowing that if their partner wants/needs sex, um, should it be dutifully provided or does the person have some say or recourse in this? It has always, in my mind, begged the question, “If you’re not gonna fuck me, who’s supposed to?” – and the conventionally accepted answer is, “No one.”

What if, by chance, whatever sex you’re having isn’t enough and I’m not necessarily talking quantity or even quality? I’ve heard a lot of people ask this question: “Is this all there is to sex?” and more so when sex, yeah, it tends to get… monotonous, routine, and that “chore” than can drop down in the ranks and makes cleaning a filthy toilet look like it’s more fun. What can be done about this? Well, um, the answer is theoretically easy – find another source for sex… but the practical application isn’t so easy since, sometimes, that other thing that can be done can involve someone who’s physically like you are.

Uh oh. A lot of folks think that cheating is bad enough… and even worse when it involves same-sex stuff and if you think that single folks get a “get out of jail free” card in these things, well, no – they don’t. Not really. The perception here is that if you’re free to have sex with anyone you can get with, there’s no need to do it in the same-sex mode of things but, okay, if you do, well, aren’t you quite the freaky so-and so? The fact remains that regardless to whether you’re single or in a relationship, the responsibility for your sexual satisfaction is yours to bear and the “mistake” we all make is depending on someone to take care it for us; we really do just hand that responsibility to someone else and, again, even if we’re single and even this, the “one man/one woman” rule is still in effect and it’s still considered to be in very bad taste – and morally wrong – if you’re a man or a woman and you have a more… enlightened concept of the one man/one woman rule.

To the question of why people are bisexual, the answer you may not hear so much about is, “simply,” they recognize that they are responsible for their satisfaction in this and, unlike so many others, they’re not of a mind to put too high of a price on it. While many are content to let their sexual needs be taken care of in the single source mode of things, more people today are finding that, frankly, that’s just not working for them so much. They’re recognizing that things like sexual attraction and desire – and taking care of these things – only has limits because we impose them and do our level best to enforce them at all times. The price, more often than not, has been set unreachably high and not by our own doing – the price was preset already. Then life experiences with sex, well, hmm – that does something to the price as well as sets the stage for responsibility to be handed off to someone else who may or may not be of a mind to take on that responsibility so much and, yeah, knowing that if they fail in this, things could get messy.

I remember when someone asked me about my bisexuality and why I chose to do things in this way and, without really thinking about it, I said that if I didn’t understand anything else, I understood that the responsibility for my sexual pleasure and satisfaction rests solely with me and that it didn’t make any sense to put a high price on it and one so high that being able to have sex became undoable. Ha… even that response surprised the shit out of me even as I said it! I really had no idea that it was hanging out in my head like that… but I saw the truth of it. We hold true that if you’re a guy and you gotta have sex, go find a woman who’ll be willing to accommodate you and if she isn’t, it sucks to be you. If she is and, at some point she decides that she doesn’t want to be bothered with it – doesn’t want to be responsible for your satisfaction – too bad, homey. Very much sucks to be you. And if this occurs in the relationship mode of things, you are well and truly fucked… and not even in the good way. You can cheat or leave the relationship… or admit defeat and give up all hope of ever having sex again.

And a lot of people are, these days, questioning this mindset… and they’re not buying it or even of a mind to rent it for the weekend anymore. If “Sally” has determined that indulging herself in the sensuality and eroticism of the touch of another woman is what she needs in her life, it’s her responsibility to see to it and she’s even responsible for not making the price too high for herself or anyone else. The “thing” is that by and large, if our girl Sal is determined in this, eh, few people are gonna give her a whole lot of shit about it and more so when us guys, well, you know what some women say about our utter lack of consistency and being totally clueless about their emotional needs in this. What is less accepted, of course, is when men find reason to go this route as well… and more and more people – both men and women – are just ignoring the moral and conventional thinking in these things because they realize that the responsibility is theirs to deal with… and the price cannot be set so astronomically high.

The thing that drives society batshit crazy about this is that it’s being done without permission, so to speak. As much as society is aware of this behavior, it’s not the preferred and mandate way to deal with one’s responsibilities in this. Society grudgingly accepts that not all responsibilities are handled in the boy/girl only mode of things: Boy/boy and girl/girl, shit, okay, damn it – we (society) ain’t really feeling that shit but it is what it is (and what it’s always been, by the way). But to be about all of the above? You greedy motherfuckers and bitches! Pick a side and stay on it, you damned perverts! You’ve heard the admonishments, right? In denial, fake motherfuckers and cunts and confused?

Yet, a lot of people – and in a great many settings – are saying, “Fuck that shit – I’m gonna get what I need and if you don’t like it, you just don’t like it!” From singles to even polyamorous groups and including people in more… traditional relationships, owning one’s responsibility to see to their satisfaction has become paramount… and putting very high prices on this is unthinkable and, yeah, pretty stupid, to be real about it. Yes… it is better to ask – and get – permission than it is to always beg for forgiveness – and then find one’s self not being forgiven but there are a whole lot of people today who, when the question I asked earlier – if you’re not gonna fuck me, who’s supposed to? – comes up, they’re not going to accept the answer of, “No one is.”

Wrong answer. A growing, unacceptable one. The price as quoted is way too high and, yeah, many people are taking back the responsibility they’ve given others and realizing that the onus in this has always been theirs to handle. Now, if you wanna come on this journey with me, well, that just works but if you don’t, well, that’s too bad because that whole boy/girl, boy/boy, and girl/girl thing isn’t the only affordable price available… and “all of the above” is not only affordable but is determined to be well within our responsibility to ourselves in this.

Many are discovering that the price is… negotiable. Indeed, when I’ve had conversations with people about bisexuality, one of the things I ask them is, “What price do you put on your satisfaction?” and followed – or sometimes prefaced with, “Who’s supposed to be responsible for your satisfaction in this?” Now, if your idea of being responsible to yourself in these things doesn’t include being “way out of the box,” okay – it’s what works for you and yes – a lot of people find the price involved affordable… right up until the moment comes when it becomes unaffordable and/or their responsibility to themselves is being taken away from them because we all know about the way things are supposed to be.

It’s just that a lot of people are finding and learning that, for one, the way things are supposed to be ain’t the same thing as the way things can be… and that it’s not only more affordable, it’s very much in line with their responsibility to see to and take care of their satisfaction in these things and whether it’s emotional, physical, or both. And the biggest kicker is that there’s no way to know or tell who has decided that it’s not only their responsibility but that there’s no unreasonably high price that should be attached to it. Single, married or otherwise in a relationship. Open relationships, swinging, being poly and in a poly group or even family setting. The boundaries, which were always artificial, are being torn down and cleverly so. There’s the relationships are supposed to be and many are discovering or otherwise figuring out that their relationship is only going to be as good as everyone involved makes it. So not only are the rules of relationship being rewritten but many are agreeing to not only wrest back their responsibility, openly sharing that responsibility is what really and nicely gets the bulldog fed.

Some folks do decide otherwise. The price is too high and should never, ever, be lowered for such… carnal reasons. In a relationship, it’s the partner’s responsibility to see to the other’s satisfaction without fail and without any excuses and without exception. This is the way we’ve always gone about such things and, no, single, unattached folks don’t really get a pass in this – and it’s well known what we – society – tends to think about those people who “just go out” and have sex with as many people as they can manage and definitely not in the mandated “one man/one woman” way and, yeah – even if the man or woman in question is gay.

Who’s supposed to be responsible for your satisfaction in this? What price do you put on it and, better, why is your price set the way it is and more so if that price is quite high? Would it surprise you that a lot of people do know that they’ve set the price very high… and would it surprise you that those who have sees no reason to lower the price and, yeah, the responsibility belongs with someone else? And would you be just as surprised to become aware that you’re one of those people with an unbelievably high price and depending on someone else to take care of something that, in reality, it’s your responsibility to own? And, perhaps, making matters worse, you’re of a mind that you have no choice or recourse in this?

You see, those of us who are bisexual aren’t this way just for the sex or even the emotional content. This is us – and in our own unique way – realizing and recognizing that, for one, the responsibilities in this are ours and that putting too high of a price on seeing to those responsibilities, well, not only does it not make sense but it defeats the purpose when it comes to being responsible to ourselves in this. Is it about the sex? Of course it is. Is not not just about the sex? Of course there’s more to it than that… it’s just that the sex is fun and let’s not bullshit or fool ourselves in thinking that it isn’t or that it lacks importance.

Who’s supposed to take care of this for you? What price do you put on it? Are you – or could you – be defeating your own purposes here if, one, you’re not being responsible to yourself and/or, two, you are of a mind that doing what you might need to do isn’t worth it and the price involved, indeed, is much too high? If if that price is high, why is it? Who set it that way? Why do you – or we, really – believe that the price isn’t negotiable?

This, I think, is the aspect of bisexuality that little or few people talk about. Too concerned about what other people think about this; way too focused on the sex that can happen but not so much on why it’s happening. Continuing to believe and hold true that the way things are supposed to be handled in this is the only way… and when we very well know that it isn’t. The truth is that these responsibilities can be handled and seen to via boy/girl, boy/boy, girl/girl and, yes, all of the above. You know, um, if you really do believe that it is worth it to you, that the price for bucking conventional systems in these things is, indeed, negotiable.

And that the responsibility for taking care of these things is yours and yours alone but sure – if you can share that responsibility with other – not give it away – then, hmm: Is this something you might be interested in? And the good part is that bisexuality, such as it is, doesn’t have to be in the mix at all but, sure, it could be…

If the price is right. If it is deemed to be what makes you whole, complete and, oh, yeah, satisfied and your responsibility to yourself is also satisfied and being handled in the way it needs to be handled. People are or become bisexual, not simply because they can be but because they do recognize in their own way that they do have a responsibility to themselves to be happy and satisfied and that there’s no price that should be that high or otherwise get in the way of that responsibility. It’s not just men who are figuring this out; women are figuring it out, too; it’s not some “kinky” thing that couples can get into and just for the fun of it; it is a recognition that the way things are supposed to be doesn’t always work for the way they, as a couple, want and need to be where the responsibility they have to, with, and for each other is concerned.

And many aren’t of a mind to ask for permission from society in this. Would be nice to have it… not really needed. It is why so many people step away from convention and with little regard for what other people are gonna say about them for doing so. And having no say or recourse in any of this? Not an option. Is not going to be tolerated. If no one else likes it, all they can do is not like it. And to the question of who’s supposed to fuck you if your partner ain’t gonna do it? “No one is supposed to” is an unacceptable answer and it does speak to the fact that someone giving this answer feels or otherwise believes that it’s not their responsibility to provide you with that which you need for your satisfaction and well-being.

Is ya feeling me on this? Probably not, huh, and the scary part? You’re probably not feeling me even when, “secretly,” you just might be thinking that I’m right about this… but to do something about it? The price is too high and it’s not worth it. Or, intellectually, it makes sense… but it is, again, too pricey and too irresponsible to be thinking about your own needs when you should be more concerned – and, perhaps, responsible – for someone else’s needs since, uh, they did just hand it over to you and without and fussing, fighting, or even reservation.

Hmm. I’m going to go away now and find something else to do and leave you to ponder this, you know, if you’re of a mind to. It doesn’t matter to me if you agree or disagree with what I’ve scribbled today because, if nothing else, this happened to be in my head in this moment and if y’all don’t know anything else about me, this blog is about getting that stuff out of my head. If it resonates with you, good… and if it doesn’t, well, you’re responsible for what does or doesn’t resonate with you, ain’t ya? You do have the right to make someone else responsible for this, just as you have the right to set the price as high as you think is necessary.

I’m just the guy who also happens to be bisexual and not so much a fan of things monogamous who’ll ask you… why would you do this to yourself when you don’t have to and, better, why would you do this to someone else? To the question of do I think “everyone” should be bisexual or, really, more flexible in these things? I say no because it’s not for everyone; the price for them is way too high; it’s not worth it to them to buck the system, such as it is and many feel that by being responsible for their satisfaction is both irresponsible and even selfish because their duty – their obligation – is to put other people first and foremost. Which makes the questions posed way back in the beginning of this more… pointed, methinks.

 

Life, Living and Loving: Poly Sexuality (and a TBT)

When it comes to being poly and putting a group together, I’ve often wondered if the issue of sexuality really gets thought about or if the participants ever give any thought to what could happen in such a close and sexually active group. Does anyone really discuss this other than to, perhaps, insist on what’s not supposed to happen?

And do they really think that it won’t?

DDJennifer, in her comments to yesterday’s scribble, wondered why guys are so funny about having some fun with another guy in the group. It is, strangely, “generally accepted” that any women in the group will, at some point or eventually, get into having sexy fun with each other but, yeah – guys are pretty weird about themselves becoming the object of one of the other guys’ lust.

The reason is… some guys are just seriously funny about it and some are so funny about it that incidental or accidental contact with another guy is way out of line and can never happen. A lot of guys remain of a mind that, oh, leaning over and having a taste of “Paul’s” cock – and while Paul’s busy eating out a female poly partner – is too gay, unmanly or, believe it or not, sometimes afraid that if they do, they’re gonna like it. Even if some guys are of a mind to check out the other guy’s dick, there’s always that fear that the other guy is gonna object and the shit is going to hit the fan…

Which makes me wonder if any of this is ever and really discussed during the formation of a poly group. It’s one thing to put it on the agenda and as a “what if” kind of item; theoretically, it’s possible but often set aside because it’s deemed to be “impossible” and outside the realm of possibility or, yeah, sometimes, the guys better not even get the thought into their head at all. That a whole lot of guys in this setting go out of their way to avoid any contact with any other guys in the group isn’t all that unusual – remember, some guys are just very funny about that. I do think, however, that what gets overlooked is not only the power that sex has but it’s ability to bond.

Being in any group sex situation can be… interesting. Not so much in whatever’s happening but in what the participants are going out of their way to make sure doesn’t happen. The… fear of any same-sex interaction is very real and I’d suppose that, in a one-off kind of way, avoidance is easy because it’s not like whoever you’re having group sex with lives with you or is a regular participant when it’s time to do the nasty. Let’s see… how many times have I been in a group setting and heard a guy – or guys – emphatically state that there will be no funny stuff between us guys… and then there’s a guy playing with my dick?

And then the guy doing it is telling me he doesn’t know why he did that. Well, I know why… but, then again, I don’t underestimate the power of sex and its ability to unlock some shit inside of us that, perhaps, we’d rather not have unlocked or exposed. I’ve been in settings where the ladies have tossed the “no funny stuff” card onto the table and when things get hot and heavy, well, check them out – so much for no funny stuff, huh? People just tend to discount those “heat of the moment” moments; they can’t happen and aren’t allowed to happen and they’d better not happen if you know what’s good for you.

And in poly settings, well, it’s probably one of those things that probably should be discussed with more seriousness than is problem done. You’re a poly group and connected all across the board – and that includes sexually. One on one sex, eh, that’s easy but when there are times when “the gang gets together” there is always the possibility and even potential for the funny stuff you’d rather not happen to be thought of… or actually happening and, I dunno, maybe it’s just me, but I’d think that having a meaningful discussion and accepting that things can and do happen in the heat of the moment – or, yeah – the bond that’s being shared pretty much demands that no one should be excluded. So if “Gene” and our boy, “Paul” are two guys in a poly group and something were to happen between them – incidental contact or a dick gets fondled or even sucked, well, it can happen and more so when people do change their minds about such things and often depending on how deep the poly bonding goes between everyone involved.

Being poly invokes a deep sense of sharing that many find bothersome… and that sharing can – and sometimes does – reach the sexual level of things and, really – if some funny stuff happens, it’s not going to be spoken about outside of the poly group anyway or, what happens in the bedroom stays in the bedroom. Granted, finding yourself suddenly or unexpectedly in a same sex situation when it’s supposed to be an opposite sex only deal is… shocking and that grossly understates things and, as such, it’s gonna take so doing to get one’s head around it… but maybe not so much if the possibility was not only discussed but taken seriously because, again, people do really change their minds about stuff and sometimes right in the middle of sex happening.

If you’re gonna share, then should be really be limits placed on who gets to share whom? I learned not to be surprised by any of this. You don’t ever expect it to happen – well, unless it’s already been agreed that it should – but you should never discount or dismiss the possibility and it’s my thought that if you do dismiss or discount it, you might not be all that aware of that power to bond than you think you are – no offense. Now, some guys do say that if it happens, well, it happens and many may not be of a mind to really object or pitch a royal bitch about it because it can and will foster disharmony across the whole poly group. And, yeah – a lot of guys are more concerned about their own sensibilities in this and it’s not that they don’t have a right be concerned about them but what are you willing to do to contribute to the sexual happiness of one and all?

Among the fellas? Eh, not a whole lot. In any kind of group setting, I’ve known guys to be paying more attention to where the other guy is and what he’s doing than he is paying attention to what he should be paying attention to: Having sex. I’ve seen guys jump like they’ve been shot or something when I’ve gotten “too close” to them or our legs touch or some other kind of unintentional and incidental contact… and it has either made me shake my head or laugh to myself to see how… skittish the other guy is and it had made me shake my head to hear him say, all after the fact, that he reacted the way he did because he thought I was gonna do something to him.

Being bisexual, I’d never say that it didn’t cross my mind or that it never crosses my mind… but boundaries should be respected but I know, even if no one else does or believes it, that boundaries can be adjusted on the fly because there’s a need to, whether it’s being all caught up in the moment or there’s a bond in the process of being formed. Still, some guys are just funny about it. It’s unmanly. It’s gay as fuck. Don’t even look at me while we’re having sex with our female partners/participants and, yeah, sure, it’s a whole different thing if the ladies get involved with each other, “accidentally” or on purpose. Women just seem to handle this way better than guys do even if they didn’t expect anything to happen or they believe that any sex that happens between the girls is “too lesbian” for their sensibilities. Oh, they’re gonna talk about it later and they just might agree that, all things considered, it wasn’t all that bad.

A lot of guys, well, we don’t tend to think like that and, again, I know of guys who are very well aware of the possibility of some interaction with the other guy/guys and it scares the shit out of them. For some guys, it’s not like that they don’t feel the… bonding pull; I know a lot of guys who’ve said – and with some embarrassment – that they felt that if they just reached over and wrapped a hand around the other guy’s cock, well, that works. They didn’t do it but that’s not really the point in any of this.

Being poly is, of course, more than just the sex that’s possible; it is really sharing every aspect of your lives with others who choose to be with you in this – and now it’s just a matter of how deep that sharing goes. Rules are put into place to inhibit or prevent behaviors and are usually locked down tighter than white on rice and it works… and sometimes doesn’t so much because the thing that can’t be controlled is what someone might be thinking and/or feeling about the “no funny stuff” rule so many poly couples put into place – and where the fellas are concerned more than the ladies – women, again, are just so much better about this.

Maybe such interactions never happen – they don’t always do… but everyone involved in the group should, at the very least, I think, be aware of the possibility and potential and never, ever dismiss or discount the fact that people really do change their minds and for some folks, changing their mind can happen at the speed of thought and, yeah, I know a lot of people who have surprised the shit out of themselves to find themselves doing something they weren’t ever of a mind to do. I’ve heard them say that it just felt like the right thing to do in that moment or, if they did nothing – and to not start a riot – it still felt like the right thing to do. Again, I’ve heard both men and women say, “I don’t know what made me do that!” But I know why they did because, unlike most people, I know and believe that shit does happen and not always when it’s not supposed to. I know that people in the right place, in the right setting, and at the right moment can get unlocked being in that moment and that’s some very scary shit and more so when you really don’t expect to get that unlocked.

Which is what makes any kind of group sex pretty fucking scary for a lot of people and men more likely than women. It’s sex. It doesn’t mean that your gay or even bi but people have a hard time seeing sex for what it really is and the way it can be. If “Paul” unexpectedly leaned over and grabbed my dick, okay, it might surprise me since he made it clear that he wasn’t about any funny stuff… but I’m not surprised that it happened. Am shocked to find a mouth on my dick that “isn’t supposed” to be there? Nope, not one bit. Get a finger in my butt that isn’t attached to a woman? Not even gonna be surprised and not just because I happen to be bisexual (which helps): It’s because I don’t ever underestimate the power of sex.

Anyone considering being poly and in a group shouldn’t either. Have serious discussions about it and, if nothing else, acknowledge that the potential is there and it can cross someone’s mind even if they don’t plan on doing anything. Respect boundaries, of course, but if possible, don’t make them too… fragile, for lack of a better word. Even in this, no means no but people, again, do change their minds and it doesn’t always take a long time for such a change to show up. The only way something like this is going to fuck shit up is if you allow it to and the bad part is, Jennifer, a lot of guys are more than willing to let shit get fucked up than they are willing to just go with the flow of things. And no: I don’t think it’s “fair” that it’s okay for the girls in the group to play with each other but it’s not okay for guys to play with each other – and even if the only time they interact with each other is when everyone piles onto the bed and goes for what they know.

Hey… I won’t tell if you won’t. What happens in our poly family stays in our poly family.

 

Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: “Why Don’t More Men…”

“…get into sucking cock?”

When Cityman and I talk about this, the question is rhetorical while pointing out something “important:” There are a lot more men who are, indeed, finding out the joy of giving and receiving head with other guys but the missing part that I think is rather glaring is there’s no way to tell how many men are doing just that.

Which, of course, gives the people going on and on about biphobia and bisexual invisibility as well as that stupid straight privilege bullshit fits. Not only does the ongoing stigma keeps M2M blowjobs underground, there are a lot of men who are quite content to suck cock and not be of a mind to let anyone else know about it. Add on the fact that a bisexual guy doesn’t present any overt signs that he’s bisexual and it just makes trying to figure out how many guys are enjoying cock pretty damned difficult.

So, yeah – it’s probably “safer” to conclude that there are a lot of men sucking dicks even if there’s no clear and definitive sign of it. It’s not really to say that “all men are closet cock suckers” and we’re guilty of it until proven otherwise; we’ve been so very guilty of making such blanket condemnations over the history of our existence or, if there’s one who’s like this, all are like this. It’s just that if you think there are a lot of guys blowing each other, chances are you’re not wrong about that… and I wish you much luck and success trying to enumerate this.

A lot of people are of a mind that such an act is unnecessary and even I’ve heard – and more times than I can count and/or remember – that if a guy wants a blow job, there are a lot of women who’d be very happy to blow him and, theoretically, this is correct… but for a lot of guys, it’s not about them being blown: They want to be the one sucking the dick and some are just fine not being blown in return but, sure – a lot of blowjobs are of the mutual kind because, as one guy said about it, “Why should the other guy have all of the fun?”

As I’ve mentioned a lot in the past, gay culture plays heavily into things and is directly responsible for the way many people look at sex between men or, if you’re a guy and sucking another guy’s cock, you must be gay and very much into men. This is a… fucked up way to look at this but, in a way, you almost can’t blame society for this blanketed way of thinking and more so when, again, you can’t look at a guy and tell if he’s really bisexual or that he’s one of those guys who enjoys getting with a dude for some mutual cock sucking but will insist that he’s straight – thank you very much.

What makes this… funny is that, these days, there are a lot of men who firmly believe that sucking cock cannot and should not be done without some kind of “emotional” connection and mostly of the FWB kind. While this does work for a lot of men, it remains true that a lot of men just want to suck cock and be sucked and not take things past “merely” liking each other enough to do this. Given that there are guys who are already in a relationship of some kind, adding on another “committed” relationship type thing is, well, it’s too much; it’s easier and more convenient for them to do the one thing that, again and these days, a lot of cock suckers aren’t fond of: The dreaded blow and go.

What’s funny about this is that there seems to be a lot of men who, for some reason, kinda/sorta forget how men tend to be at times. We can cite things like not having the time for an extended activity or other such concerns but the reality is that some of us just want to get the dicks out, make them hard, make them soft again and then “immediately” go on about our business – and thanks; maybe we’ll see each other again.

I’ve been of a mind to think in terms like this: It isn’t why aren’t there more men getting into sucking cock – it’s why are there so many men who want to do it but they ain’t doing it. The reasons why… well, I could easily spend the next couple of hours writing them all down for you; some are quite legitimate and a lot of them are products of an overactive imagination and some guys always thinking the worst. I read on the forum and on a daily basis where a lot of guys confess to wanting to suck cock but will also list every reason they can think of as to why they can’t or haven’t been able to, up to and including every cotton-picking fear they can think of, imagine, or may have heard of.

Of all the things two guys can do with, for, and to each other, this is probably one of the easiest things to do other than jerking each other off – and even that can take a bit of intestinal fortitude. It is the one thing that just fascinates the shit out of us – what’s it like to have a guy blow you and what’s like to have another guy’s boner in your mouth? Is cum really that much of an acquired taste and as everyone says it is? I say it’s “easy” because, again, other than jerking each other off, this is something that can be done almost anywhere, usually doesn’t take a whole lot of time, and doesn’t require any preparation other than washing your junk before the fact but sometimes spontaneity comes into play and, well, okay – hopefully there’s not going to be a whole lot of… funk going on down there.

Otherwise, the minimum requirements – and in my opinion – is the guy is of legal age to consent to sex, is healthy enough to have sex and, importantly, is willing to engage in it or, as I like to say, “Hey… do you wanna do it?” and the answer is, “Okay!” and now the only other thing to consider might include who is going to blow whom first or whether they’re gonna do it together – depending on the place and other stuff like that. But if there aren’t a whole lot of guys looking to get into this – and even more guys who have reasons for not doing it when they know they want and need to – the reason why it’s not happening is the thing of us making being able to do this harder than it has to be.

Everything has to be perfect, from the type of guy to the right place and time and even setting. Lots of emphasis on cock size and the bigger, the better and no strangers allowed; no spontaneity can be involved – blow jobs must be meticulously planned and well in advance. A guy’s race can be of import; specific conditions where being height/weight proportionate is concerned as well as one’s age. With or without body hair and whether one’s body hair is trimmed, shaved, or the guys whole body is just furry and wolfing so much that a weed whacker would be needed to hack through the dense jungle of body hair. And then there’s the whole cut/uncut thing that can be a “thing” for a lot of wannabe cock suckers who remain sitting on the bench.

If I’ve learned nothing else about this, it’s that if you’re sitting on your ass and waiting for things to line up perfectly, if you wanna get into some cock sucking, well, that ain’t gonna happen. Why aren’t more men into this? Many men have become extremely risk-adverse and, in a way, you can’t blame them given how much the dreaded disease card keeps getting slammed onto the table. What gets overlooked or, perhaps, deemed unbelievable, is that even the CDC says that the chances of catching something nasty via oral sex are low. Guys latch onto the fact that there is a chance and just not paying any attention to the part even the CDC doesn’t mention – and because, logically, there’s no need to: There’s an even greater chance that the only thing you’re gonna catch is a mouthful of sperm – somewhere around 96% at last glance. Also overlooked and due to such great concerns about this is the one solution that’s available: Condoms.

Duh. Okay, I do get it: Those puppies don’t taste good and even the flavored ones leave a lot to be desired since the flavorings are artificial and artificially sweetened. Yuck. A lot of sucking cock is about being able to feel it in your mouth and while there are condom that are really, really thin, the sense of touch might not be quite fulfilled with the guy doing the sucking or the guy being sucked. In addition to this, some guys have this… weird thing going on with them where even trying to put on a condom just makes their erection go away; even I’ve seen guys go from being “diamond-hard” to totally flaccid just trying to begin to put a condom on.

Bummer. Pretty damned embarrassing, to be truthful about it. Still, even with out condoms, the risks are minimal and, ha, sometimes, there’s never one around when you need one. I can well remember how guys used to carry one in their wallet which, um, is about the worst place to keep one. Then again, some guys aren’t of a mind to carry one or two with them because there’s nothing else more embarrassing than to reach into a pocket for something and that very obvious package comes out instead. Or their lady is doing the laundry and, wait – what the fuck is this in his pants pocket? A condom? Why does he have that in his pocket!?

Uh-oh. Somebody’s gonna have some explaining to do!

The “real” question in this could be should more men be into cock sucking? Would relations between men and women be improved if men were able to take the pressure to suck cock off of women and especially those women who aren’t really fans? Would women be… grateful to not always be under the gun in this? As Cityman has asked at times, would we – men – be “better off” to just let nature do what nature does in these things? And, as always, I don’t want the ladies to think I’ve forgotten about them… but the reality is that very few people are of a mind to question why two women would want to have sex with each other and many agree that if they choose to, they are well within their right to say no to the dick and, yeah, a man’s ham-handed and inconsistent ability to make a coochie happy and especially orally.

And the “real” answer is… I don’t know. Maybe. It’s theoretically possible. It is – and as Cityman has suggested at time – a ‘necessity’ in order for men to bond with each other? I mean, we do bond with each other without having to blow each other’s brains out… but would the bonding process be more… meaningful? if we were to give each other a blow job and without getting called onto the carpet for it? At one point, it’s just boys being boys but gets to a point where boys being boys isn’t a valid or proper reason for “Ted” and “Alex” to be watching the game and decide that a good way to wait for halftime to be over with would be to suck each other off?

Which, um, does happen, if you’re wondering. The question, overall, is rhetorical in that it’s way too easy to point to why there’s no awareness of the number of men sucking cock or, obviously, there are a lot of reasons why more men are not of a mind to do it. Or, um, maybe there are and it’s just a matter of no one knowing about it. Is widespread acceptance a must in order for more guys to suck dick? Many would say that it would be nice… but it’s never been a necessity – “I won’t tell if you won’t” remains a valid gentlemanly agreement and, besides, it is really anyone’s business who’s sucking dick?

Here’s the reality: Some guys do suck cock. Some guys don’t. Some guys say they never will… and they never will while some guys say that and find out what a lot of men find out: That shit is fun both ways. Better than jerking off but not so… complicated as fucking each other. And it’s even “better” when no one else knows that this is what they’re doing. It’s the thing that has society at large bugging like it has never bugged about anything before: Not knowing what guys are cock suckers and what guys aren’t. You can’t tell by looking at a guy; you could, if you were bold enough, ask him and chances are he’s gonna tell you that there’s no way he’d do some shit like that… even when he’s doing it. All that shit about such men really being gay? It’s bullshit: Guys suck dick and get sucked by other guys because that shit feels really good – and it’s still boys being boys or just a “thing” guys can do, you know, if they want and/or need to and, nope, there’s no other reason to get into other than it can be done. You don’t have to be gay to do it and according to some, you don’t even have to be bisexual to get all up into it.

You just gotta want to do it and/or have it done. And, nope – I won’t tell if you won’t. Keeping it on the DL? Not really as nefarious as we think it is; it’s really a matter of not letting the “whole world” know your sexual business. An unsafe sexual practice? Honestly, it could be because sex is inherently unsafe when you get right down to the brass tacks. But one should maybe question – and seriously so – why it’s okay for women to be cock suckers… and not so okay for men to be cock suckers… and therein lies the reason why there are so many male cock suckers that no one knows about. It’s not the question of why more men aren’t into this:

It’s not knowing how many are or want to be that really bakes society’s noodle and many are scared shitless because of not knowing this. Your best friend or next door neighbor or any other guys you know could be cock suckers… and you wouldn’t know it unless they let you know that they are. And those guys, mostly likely, have no idea or clue that if you could, you’d happily blow them and empty their nuts and in a flat, skinny second.

Because, um, that shit is a lot of fun and feels really good to have it done and to do it. A lot of guys are finding this out and, as I like to say, somewhere in the world and in the exact moment I’m writing this – and you’re reading it – there is a guy or two who are finding out what it’s like to suck dick and to be sucked and whether it gets “finished” or not. You just don’t know who’s finding this out; you don’t know who already knows this and you don’t know how many guys are sitting on the bench and waiting for their moment to get in the game and suck some dick and to be sucked in return.

You don’t even know how many guys are, at the very least, thinking about it and it’s not really a matter or question if they would go for it or not but, yeah, even if they’d say that under the right conditions, they just might go for it… or not. And for those who are very much afraid of this “new” trend, it’s a lot for them to be worried about. It just continually makes me scratch my head about how we can be so… pissy about something we know that men have always been doing and over all this time. As I told Cityman, it is said that we’re not supposed to do it… but that doesn’t mean that it can’t be done. It’s just that some guys find reason to do it… and you won’t ever find out that they’re doing it, well, um, unless or until some guy asks you if you’d like to have your dick sucked and maybe do some sucking in return.

It gets very real at that point, doesn’t it? It’s simple: You’re either gonna say yes and do it or you’re not going to and for whatever reason you don’t want to. Ah… but if, by chance, you did, well, why not? Millions of guys suck dick and get sucked in every moment of every damned day and over the centuries, at that so, hmm, it can’t be all that bad…

Can it?

 

Life, Living and Loving: Mrs. Fever’s September Song Project II – Apple Music

Music is a big part of my life, as a listener as well as a composer and performer. There’s no such animal as too much music and to the point where there’s a pretty good portion of my mind that always has music playing, whether it’s something I’ve heard before or something I’m composing.

I have both an iPad and an iPhone and I always made sure that I had my music loaded up from my huge stash kept on my computer – which ain’t even close to speaking to all of the music I still have on CD that I’m too lazy to put on my computer and a project, due to my laziness, I have been putting off for years now.

To be honest, I wasn’t a fan of Apple Music or any of the other services that offers music, like Amazon, Spotify, etc., because, like most people, I have my favorite kinds of music and, at least in the earlier days, none of them had the music that might pop into my head at any given time. So if I didn’t have the CD already and it wasn’t on my computer, bleh – the various services couldn’t be that good and more so when they say they have the music you want to listen to… and then they don’t.

But when I upgraded my iPhone, they were offering a year of Apple Music free and I thought that, well, it’s free so why not? I’d taken a look at the other services and my son-in-law gave Amazon Music some props but, after checking them out, nah – I wasn’t feeling them. So I signed up for the free year, put an entry in my calendar to cancel it before the year was up, and we’ll see if Apple Music really does live up to the advertised hype.

In reality, there’s a lot of music I can think of that Apple Music doesn’t have, either because they can’t or haven’t obtained the rights or, in a lot of cases, the music is literally no longer available – it’s “out of print” and like a lot of books are. When I have music on my mind, it’s usually the music I grew up with; yeah, some of it I do have on CD but, again, I’m just too fucking lazy to pull out my stash of CDs and put them on the computer so I can upload them to my devices. It really is easier to think of a song, pick up my iPhone or iPad, tap the Music icon, and go looking for it and with the thought that, chances are good, they’re not gonna have it.

Then be pleasantly surprised that they do have it and, yeah, often finding new music to listen to. I don’t remember which iOS update changed the way Apple Music behave but I was quite upset to find, after updating, that my music apps – other than the one that came with the phone/pad – could no longer see the music I had painstakingly uploaded from my computer – it was now all in Apple’s cloud. Okay… my music was “safe” in that sense but let’s face it: Apple’s music app just flat out sucks. No EQ to speak of or any other way that enhances what you hear and a reminder of why Apple pisses me off so much given how fucking proprietary they tend to be and, as such, not allowing the apps that gives me the best listening experience to access Apple Music in the cloud.

And there are few apps in the AppStore that meets my needs… and the ones I often see there includes a lot of shit I’m just not interested in, like radio stations that are streaming music I’m very much not interested in: I want to listen to what I want to listen to and when I want to listen to it and how I want to listen to it, damn it to hell!

Still, um, Apple Music, surprisingly, hasn’t disappointed me all that much when I think of a song, search for it, and find it, adding it to my ever growing collection – did I mention that I have a shitload of music? All kinds of music that covers my tastes? The good part in this is that despite whatever Apple has to offer, I still have access to my favorite music to listen to even if it’s now hanging out in the cloud – and it’s still on my computer so I guess it’s really a win/win.

The thing is that, for me, I can’t imagine a life without music. One of my biggest fears, when I had my stroke, was whether or not my ability to play an instrument was going to be lost and if I’d even be able to remember any of the music I love so much. My ability to play an instrument was, sadly, impacted; while I regained a lot of the fine motor skills required, I didn’t get it all back and I can’t begin to tell you how frustrating it is to know I can, say, sit down at my Korg workstation and I know what to do… and I have a problem doing it the way I know how to. It’s… muscle memory as well as being able to remember what’s called for to be able to play a given instrument… but the brain is mysterious: I know how to do it but my hands and feet – because I’m also a drummer – can’t get back on the same page with each other.

I need my music. Even if playing it poses a problem, I need to be able to listen to whatever I feel like listening to and in the moment I wanna hear it. Like, I was watching a movie – or, really, the tail end of it – and I heard Brian McKnight’s, “Back to One,” a song I hadn’t heard, oh, since it came out – and one I knew I didn’t have in my library or on CD. I had my iPad in hand, exited out of the book I was reading and a few taps later, the song is mine… and along with three more of his songs that also happened to come to mind.

It makes paying that $9.99 every month worth it. Oddly enough, I recently signed up for Amazon Prime – something else I wasn’t really feeling so much but Amazon had something I needed right away so, okay, I needed Prime and got it. It comes with Amazon Music… and I haven’t even bothered to check it out… because I don’t need to but maybe I should; they could have something that Apple doesn’t.

Mrs. Fever picked September for a music meme project… but for me? Every day is a musical meme for me; I pretty much live for music. It’s been an integral part of me since I was seven years old, having been bitten by the music bug when our church organist sat me down at the gigantic, four manual keyboard and showed me how I could make it do music. I could barely reach the lower manual but I managed it… and I was hooked after she taught me how to play “Chopsticks.” Today, I think she’d be proud to know that I learned how to play such a big organ and can play something other than “Chopsticks.”

I know music. I can read it. Perform it with and on various instruments. I can compose it, write it using notation that I trained hard to learn and, of course, I listen to it and hear it playing non-stop in my head.

How’s that for a meme?

 

Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: What’s the Attraction?

Well, it depends on who you’re asking when trying to figure out how and why two guys having sex is so attractive. The “funny” part is that we’ve been so against this kind of sex that we kinda forget the fact that guys have been sexing each other all along so there must be something to it.

It’s “different;” liberating, even revealing in that a lot of guys learn a great deal about themselves. Sinful and taboo, of course, but that’s not necessarily the bad thing it’s supposed to be. Some even cite that you have have all the sex you can get with women… but you’ve not really had sex until you’ve done it with a guy. Not that it’s always all that and a bag of chips but it reveals a side of sex that we know about but doesn’t get “real” until you do it.

So many guys suck a dick for the first time or get sucked by a guy… and it’s so eye-opening. You can watch “gay porn” from now until the cows come home… but until you either cum in a guy’s mouth or he busts one in yours, there’s just no comparison and, indeed, a whole lot of guys who’ve said they’d never do some shit like that tend to find out that they should have been doing it all along.

The sex, it turns out, can be pretty damned attractive. True enough, for many who find out first-hand about this, it’s much more than sex – it’s the epiphany to end all epiphanies, a moment of self-discovery and a real glimpse into what sex is really about, that everything you thought about being attracted is only half of the whole. To hear a guy say that he’s never been able to cum being sucked… and then you find your mouth full of it and he is so surprised… and hooked.

That includes the many guys who know about M2M blowjobs and insist that they couldn’t give one or, if they were able to, acquiring that taste is beyond them… then they find out that they can suck that dick and tasting sperm ain’t all that bad… and nows they, too, are hooked. Can’t do it enough – who knew it could be so exciting and pleasing?

A lot of guys, to be honest and over many generations. For such a long time ago that no one knows what two guys first discovered this kind of sex and why it was either a great idea or something borne out of necessity. it’s either been lost to history or deliberately erased. And, yes: So many men are very attracted to find out what it’s like to be subjected to a man’s lust and just as women have always known and haven’t always been a fan of.

You’d think that being fucked in the ass has zero attractiveness at all but until you’ve been fucked and your prostate takes a nice “beating” until the other guy explodes in you, sure – it’s not easy to see what would be so attractive about being screwed in the forbidden hole. There is, obviously, something to it since guys do fuck other guys and a lot of the guys being fucked absolutely love it.

Like anything else involving sex, it’s not without its… issues and risks – but for many, it’s the issues and risks that makes this so damned attractive and more so when the majority of those risks are easily mitigated or awakens a guy’s creativeness so that they can partake in such forbidden and disallowed sexual pleasure. It is, in fact, the sheer nastiness of it that many find so horribly attractive.

Being in a position to suck a guy’s cock and knowing that it’s forbidden is quite the rush and such an interesting contradiction. Even I’ve been sucking a guys dick and asking myself what the hell am I doing… but not even giving a single thought about stopping… until I have his cum in my mouth. So deliciously nasty and so morally wrong and maybe it was made to be so because someone figured out that this kind of sex was way too much fun and just couldn’t be allowed – guys back then should be totally focused on making women pregnant.

Well, um, until they weren’t really feeling that so much but that’s a different kettle of fish. Anyway, it’s not so much about what makes it so attractive but why it is and you don’t need a doctorate degree to figure that out: It’s sex. A chance to have orgasms – and men do have them, by the way – and to cause ejaculation and, yep, an ejaculation you don’t have to literally take into your own hand(s). Well, you could do that, too, if ya wanted to and even if there’s a guy who wouldn’t mind doing it for you.

But, um, if you really wanted to know why it’s so attractive, hmm – try it and you just might like it. And ladies? Just in case you think I forgot about you, if you really want to know what makes us so crazy about pussy, here’s your chance to know like we do, you know, if you’ve ever really wondered why we are the way we are: Um, yeah – pussy tastes good and has a wonderful mouth feel.

Just saying. The best way to understand the attraction is to experience it. One can do it intellectually… but where’s the fun in that? Don’t want or need to? Believe me, many people have said that very same thing… and they’re such huge fans of it. I mean, who knew it could be like that?

More men and women that anyone could shake a stick at. Unimaginable numbers; so many that trying to keep count is almost impossible. It really is that damned attractive.

 

Life, Living and Loving: Mrs. Fever’s September Song Project II: Two Songs

Since the passing of my mother, there has been two songs echoing through me. The first is Eric Clapton’s “Tears in Heaven” and the other is from the movie, “Avengers: Endgame” and entitled, “The Real Hero” composed by Alan Silvestri.

I don’t think there’s anyone who doesn’t know the story behind “Tears in Heaven” and in case you didn’t know, Clapton wrote that song after the tragic death of his young son. I watched his MTV Unplugged performance when it aired and as he and his guys performed “Tears in Heaven,” I was… in awe of the man and that he could perform a song that so much reminded him of his son’s death and the Unplugged version had me in tears – you could feel the emotion in the song and in his voice as he sang.

This was the first song that popped into my head upon hearing of my mother’s death, followed by “The Real Hero.” If you’ve not seen “Avengers: Endgame,” the song actually appears twice in the movie, once – and in part – during the opening scenes and at the moment Tony Stark died after swiping the Infinity Stones from Thanos and snapping him and his army out of existence.

Had tears in my eyes seeing that part of the movie but the song itself speak of sorrow and hope as well as a sense of what it means to commit one’s self to the ultimate sacrifice. Dr. Strange had told Tony that there was one chance in 14 million to defeat Thanos and, at one point in the movie, he told Stark that if he told him what that chance was now, it would never happen.

Then everything comes to a head… and Dr. Strange looks at Tony and slowly raises one finger… and Tony knew what he had to do. And did what he had to do even though it was the one thing he didn’t want to do.

Pretty heroic stuff and the song by Silvestri embodies it… and is fitting as I remember the hero my mother was to me and even more so when I think about how she faced death with a strength, resolve, and utter fearlessness.

The musician in me loves these two pieces of music. I’ve always liked Clapton’s music and it’s fascinated me that a guy with a very British accent can sing without any trace of that accent in his vocals… and his skill and virtuosity with the guitar is unmatched by few. He performed on Phil Collins’ “Let It Rain Down On Me” and his licks, which opened the song, wow. Just fucking wow. Such emotion in those opening measures, followed by Collins’ vocals, the rest of the musical performance – the bass line is deep and the drum parts – which I took great joy in being able to perform myself – just adds to the soulfulness of the song.

And, yeah, it was the third song that flowed through my mind during this time of grief.

Silvestri and the London Symphony Orchestra performed “The Real Hero” – he did all of the music for all of the Avengers movies. Strings and French horns just reach out and tug on your heart right from the beginning – well, if you like orchestral music. The song starts playing in my head – or I open the playlist I have this song in (available on Apple Music if you got it like that) – and I see the ending scenes of the movie and the two of them together running in my mind just touches my soul – and that was way before all of this happened to my mother.

It’s the last song in this particular playlist and I placed it there deliberately even though I’ve added songs to this playlist; the playlist opens with Eugie Groove’s “In Love With You” and continues with an… odd collection of songs set in a particular and specific order to evoke differing emotions; love, happiness, thoughtfulness, and unabashed toe-tapping and dancing like no one’s watching – and singing. This playlist is a rollercoaster ride of musical fun and ends with the heart-rending soulfulness of “The Real Hero” and a reminder that while all things must end, there is still hope remaining and that the cycle of life continues on…

Plus that playlist is set to repeat itself. In this period of grief, these two songs are… fitting. The first – “Tears in Heaven” – speaks to how I’m feeling about all of this while the second – “The Real Hero” – speaks to my memories of my mother and how she faced the things in her life and stood tall and strong even when life threw a lot of bad things her way.

They are, in a way, my songs in the key of life.

 

Coping…

We laid my mom to rest yesterday; seeing her body lying there in the casket was more surreal than any other funeral I’ve attended. The songs, prayers, and “preaching,” while well-meant and part of things, didn’t lend themselves to any kind of comfort except knowing that my mom faced her death with a strength and courage I’ve never seen before.

I never liked funerals; don’t like being reminded of my own mortality and, not trying to be an asshole about it, never liked the services and how long they tend to take. They say it’s a celebration of life, that funerals aren’t really for the dead but for the living and, supposedly, to give comfort as well as a moment to grieve… and for some, a reminder that if you’ve got some stuff you haven’t gotten to yet, ya might might want to get right on that.

Even thinking back to yesterday, I don’t know how I felt. I’m still numb but aware of the reality of it all. It sucks like nothing else can to know that a very important person in my life is gone but, at the same time, it’s okay, that she’s no longer suffering from the illness that took her away and it still feels sucky knowing that there was nothing anyone could do and that all that could be done was done.

Seeing family that I haven’t seen since my sister died; seeing and meeting people who knew my mom and knew of me… and I have no idea who they are. That weird thing where I’m not feeling all that well but I can laugh and smile with others as we remember the person my mother was.

She wanted two things: To be placed in a white casket and to be buried with her daughter, my sister, who was taken away by an incurable cancer, too. And we made sure her wishes were taken care of.

It still sucks. Still doesn’t seem real while being undeniably real.

 

Life, Living and Loving: Distractions

On September 3, at 0602, I got the phone call that I knew was coming but didn’t want to get: My mother had died, having lost her battle with an insidious blood cancer and one that decided to tack on some leukemia as well.

When she told me about the blood cancer and that there was no cure, it was a matter of when, not if. I can’t seem to stop thinking about the irony of things: This woman underwent one of the most dangerous surgical procedures that few people survive: Repairing a dissected upper aorta. And she came through with flying colors; not only that but when I got to the hospital and found out what was wrong and all that, well, I freaked the fuck out and more so when I’d had a similar surgery to repair an abdominal aortic aneurysm.

She was as cool as the other side of the pillow, well, until the surgical prep team started sticking needles in her. For a very Christian woman, my mom sure could cuss like a sailor.

As time went on after that surgery, she’d have fantastic days and some that would wind up hospitalizing her for as short as a day or two or, sometimes, longer. She battle pneumonia – mostly – and it seemed as if they couldn’t really knock it all out but eventually, they did. Before her surgery, she’d wind up going in for transfusions when the blood cancer would drop her hemoglobin levels below 7 but after the repair, eh, they only had to transfuse her once that I knew about.

She was on a medication that was keeping the blood cancer pretty much in check… but she was still having very good days and not so good ones. One of the symptoms of this cancer is an enlarged spleen and it went from not bothering her – due to the medication – to really starting to bother her.

Things were just starting to go down hill. I got a call one morning that she was back in the hospital, throwing up, complaining about her side hurting really bad; they run her through COVID testing and her white cell count is very high, usually an indication of some kind of infection but after more testing, whoa – she has leukemia? Where did that come from? I didn’t recall reading about this happening when I read up on the blood cancer itself. The doctors decided to put her on a medication to deal with the leukemia but, really, all it did was make her feel worse. Her own doctors disagreed with the leukemia diagnosis but, it seemed that the blood cancer was getting worse. So they took her off the leukemia medication and she was feeling better once it got out of her system.

Until she wound up back in the hospital not two weeks later. The leukemia was confirmed and much debate about what, if anything, could be done at this point. Removing her spleen, well, that might have helped some but at this point, she was physically too weak to endure the surgery. Targeted radiation was talked about but I guess it was kicked to the curb as well, either by the doctors or my mom who, understandably, now had a great dislike for being in the hospital.

All she wanted to do was to go home. I talked to her on the 31st of August and she was in good spirits but told me she was tired… and I knew what she meant by that. I Facetimed with her on September 1st and she was lucid… but stoned out of her mind thanks to the pain meds they were giving her to keep her ailing spleen at bay. Called to check on her on September 2nd and her husband told me she was having a down day; didn’t feel like talking and the fact that they had moved her to hospice just cemented things in my mind.

I’d been preparing myself for this moment… for years. You know that one day, she’s gonna die and by some means and knowing this just fucking sucks. Two of my siblings are gone; my father is gone and one day, my 80-year-old-plus mother will leave. It sucks even more to know that what was wrong with her was incurable but you just never give up hope so easily and you try to maintain that “hope for the best but plan for the worst” thing in your mind.

And through it all, she was unafraid because, as she would say time and time again, “I know God has me and will take care of me.”

Then the call; the time I got it and who I got it from told me what had finally happened. And here it is, four days later, and I still don’t know how I feel about it. The grieving will come but, as I told my step-father, life still goes on because it has to. Arrangements being made; talking to and checking on my sister to see how she’s holding up and more so when she’s the executor. Talking to other family members who are asking me if I’m okay and maybe they don’t believe me when I tell them that I am even though I’m kinda numb, too. I told… someone who asked me if I was holding up, “Ask me again in a few days – the answer will be very different.”

I miss her. I was so used to talking to her – even via Facetime – pretty much every day and, yeah, I’m finding myself looking at the clock and automatically thinking that we’ve either not heard from her yet or we need to give her a call… then the stark reality that I will never hear her voice again; I’ll never be able to kid her about her weird food combinations or how much ice cream she’s been indulging in. Won’t be able to tell her, again and again, that of all the people I’ve ever met in my life, she’s the most amazing and strongest person I’ve ever had the pleasure to know and so much that if she weren’t my mother, I’d want her to be my mother.

Her strength. Her unshakable belief and faith in God and no matter what got thrown her way and life threw some major shit at her and from a lot of directions. She wasn’t a quitter; she wasn’t the kind of person to sit back and let someone else fight her battles. She was an amazing person.

And now… she’s gone. And, yes, it hurts. I kinda had to laugh for a moment to think that I’m now a 64-year-old orphan and, of course, along with my sister. It’s not as if she was taken away “all of a sudden” or unexpectedly so; no, I knew this was going to happen and there was nothing anyone – except maybe God – could do about it. It doesn’t make it really any better, though. I’m numb. Very sad. And I’m okay with it, too. The usual platitudes about her not suffering any longer and knowing the hospice procedures that would allow her to pass away peacefully.

It won’t be “real” until the funeral, which is in a couple of days. It’s really gonna hit me and I know it will and I’m okay with that. I try to assess my frame of mind and, admittedly, it’s not all that good but I know the “cure” for that is to just keep doing what I normally do… it just really sucks not to be able to say to her, when she’d ask what I’ve done today, “A whole lot of nothing!”

There’s a lump in my throat and the screen is kinda blurry… and I’m actually smiling because I know that God has her so she’s okay…

And so am I. I wrote this because I had to. Been talking to a lot of people and that’s good but this, too, is about what’s in my head and whatever’s there, well, it has to be let out or, as that line from the Sonic commercial went, “There’s barely enough room in there for me!”

 

Life, Living and Loving: Mrs. Feve’s September Song Project II – Ravel’s “Bolero”

As a formally and classically trained musician, studying orchestral music was pretty mandatory including The Masters: Bach, Beethoven, Chopin, and others; the music we hear today has its roots in the classics.

I remember watching the movie, “10,” starring Dudley Moore and Bo Derrick and it was, I guess, a bit ahead of its time and probably gave the movie censors a fit. One of the highlights of the movie was the notion of making love while listening to Bolero. Musically, the piece is… sensual but not in some kind of “bump and grind” way – and that, too, is also a title of another song that’s, ah, more to the point of things.

For anyone who saw “10,” let’s see a show of hands for all those who did, indeed, tried to make love while Bolero played in the background! Yeah… me, too, and let’s say that the results were… mixed, at best. There’s a lot of music out there one can make love to but there’s a kind of a trick to it.

We listen to music but for music to be able to arouse – and in any way that’s applicable – you have to be able to feel the music; it has to touch you in certain ways and in certain places: It has to move you and the more it moves you toward sensuality, eroticism, and sex itself, the better. Then, there’s a particular way to listen to music that’s involved – hear it, feel it, but not being focused on the music. This can be difficult if one isn’t able to, well, kinda multitask and sex is one of those things that doesn’t always lends itself to multitasking, not through any fault of the people involved but it’s just the way the mind tends to work.

It’s like, “Look, we’re either gonna listen to the music or we’re gonna (add something sexual here)! Make up my mind already!” So it didn’t surprise me a whole lot that the partners I tried this with were either paying attention to Bolero… or paying attention to what I was doing. For myself, the “listening without listening” thing was just second nature – it’s one of the things you wind up learning and more so when a piece of music says, “with feeling” and now you’re trying to do this while playing your instrument and while listening to the interactions of the other instruments (if applicable).

I recall asking my high school band director, when we went from marching band mode to concert band mode, “When they say ‘with feeling’, who’s feelings are we talking about? Yours as the director? Mine as the performer? The concert band as a whole?”

He laughed and said, “Good question but to find the answer, listen to the original piece done by, say, the Philadelphia Orchestra – and, as a matter of fact, we all should listen to it!”

Um, my fellow band members weren’t happy that I managed to pile something else on us – learning the piece we were playing was difficult enough. But we listened and, as instructed, listened for ‘with feeling’ meant. It’s reading the music, playing your instrument, keeping an eye on the “maestro,” and listening to your fellow performers so that the band, as a whole, can play the ‘with feeling’ parts as one single entity… and no matter how you, personally, are actually feeling.

Now think about trying to apply this to having sex. Bolero isn’t what I’d call a complicated piece, you know, not like listening to Bach’s Brandenburg Concertos. It’s… sensual. Moving. Has a feel to it along the lines of mood music. Kinda. If the sex that’s needed is the, ah, very vigorous type, Bolero isn’t the piece of music you wanna be listening to. If the sex that’s needed is, indeed, the slow, sensual kind, yeah, it could work but the timing of the piece might not be all that slow – it’s written in 3/4 time and a time signature probably best known for waltzes and, yeah, it was originally written for ballet. So it could be slow enough and it might not be. But there’s another trick here and that’s to ignore the piece’s timing – your body is almost going to want to move in time with the piece’s “beat” when it should be moving to its feel or, really, how it’s making you feel and with the hope that your partner will not only be able to feel it in some way but can get in sync with your sense or feel for the music.

Oh, yeah – it would help if ya had a liking for this kind of music. My “Bolero partners,” well, they weren’t fans of this type of music; never listened to this type of music, never heard of it – unless they watched “10” – and some of them hadn’t. Sex, like so many other things, is about timing and, of course, it’s the kind of timing that one employs more by feel than anything else unless, um, you’re one of those people who are prone to think about the number of seconds or minutes required to orally induce your partner to orgasm. If so, well, hmm – Bolero’s time signature and the flow of the piece is going to throw you way off.

Having sex – or making love, if you prefer – to Ravel’s Bolero is quite the exercise and, in a lot ways, it can be counterintuitive; long and slow sex can be, well, very slow and Bolero’s signature just might be “too fast.” It sounds kinda Zen, perhaps, but it’s about being one with the music, letting it surround you and be immersed in it… while doing sex stuff. Listening without listening; feeling both the emotion of the piece while mixing in the emotions of passion and lust and love (if applicable). It’s being able to figure out what Bolero is saying to you, while your partner is, hopefully, trying to do the same thing – and then, again, being in sync with each other and the music… while not losing focus or being distracted.

Don’t feel some kind of way if you can’t do it: Most people can’t and my first time making love to Bolero was, um, quite the learning experience; it’s kinda like having to learn how to make love all over again – and I’ll leave it at that.

If you were to give this a try, I’d recommend that you first listen to Bolero and pay attention to how it feels to you and if you can get a partner to listen to it as well, so much the better. As a musician, well, this is kinda easy for me to do and so much that I often catch myself getting the feel of a piece of music and it’s interesting since I’ve learned to do that without having to think about it. That and I also happen to love this kind of music. There are, of course, all kinds of music that can be… suitable for lovemaking but if there’s a piece that gained some notoriety, it’s Ravel’s Bolero.

And, yeah – that part of the movie was pretty hot and sensual. Bo Derrick was just drop-dead gorgeous and sensuality just oozed out of her while Dudley, well, hmm, okay, it just wasn’t all that hard to figure out why he was so obsessed with her as well as why he also felt that he wouldn’t stand a snowball’s chance in hell of being intimate with her. Don’t take my word for it – if you can, watch the movie even if it’s just to refresh your memory.

 

Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: Who’s More Likely…

…to embrace bisexuality? Men or women? A damned good question and one that, at the moment, I have no idea why it popped into my head. Well, maybe I do know because I had changed browser tabs after peeking at the forum and a thought about new guys and guys still sitting on the bench flashed through my mind.

Okay… that’ll work for now. As to the question itself? Idealistically, anyone and regardless to sex – male or female – can be likely to embrace bisexuality and depending upon their need and how they’ve thought it can and will fit into their lives, plans, goals, expectations, etc..

Women may have the more… emotional advantage and, combined with their unique sense of logic, might be more amenable to explore bisexuality, not so much because of any physical needs but their emotional ones. Men, on the other hand, well, that’s kinda getting a bit… complicated as more and more men are, surprisingly, embracing their inner girl and opting for more emotional content than physical but that doesn’t diminish that physical need one bit.

Off the top of my head, um, it’s a draw; there are way too many other variables that have to be considered that, at least for me, makes coming up with anything that might sound definitive really hard to do. Of course, I get to see what a lot of men on the forum have on their minds about this and if you kinda put it all together, one might think that men are more likely to embrace bisexuality than women would be… and I don’t think that’s really accurate and, of course, due to a lack of information. I mean, I know what some women think about this but it’s not nearly enough data to make a real educated guess either way.

Then you tack on the fact that, today, a man or a woman isn’t even thinking about this but, tomorrow? It’s on their mind and what no one knows is why it’s now on their mind and, I think, enough to get their attention. Not in the way that they’re now thinking about this and to the exclusion of all else; it’s really like a whisper or, perhaps, some kind of subliminal message that just might be, as suspected, that’s generated by one’s subconscious.

Yeah… good luck trying to figure out how that works. And good luck asking them why they’re thinking like this, while you’re at it and if, by chance, you are privy to the fact that it crossed their mind in the first place. As a matter of fact, they’re asking themselves why they’re thinking about this and especially if they never thought about it before.

I’ve been of a mind that being more… welcoming? – is dependent upon what someone thinks, feels, and/or believes that they need in their life and the “best” way to get it. As always, it’s not as if there’s no one who isn’t at least distantly aware that stuff in the same-sex mode happens and it’s always amazed and fascinated me how a person can think through a whole lot of stuff and this particular thing just sticks out and now they’re thinking, “Hmm… I wonder what this is really all about… and should I look into it?”

The one thing I do kinda know is that once this thought gets stuck in their head, shaking it out isn’t all that easy and tends to generate an internal discussion where one side says going this route ain’t the way to go – moral and/or personal beliefs and all that – and there’s this other side that is, if nothing else, willing to investigate the possibilities or, what’s it gonna hurt to, at least, look at this? We don’t have to do anything but this is, for now, a thought exercise.

The funny part is that this “conversation” is taking place even when one’s mind is occupied with other things – the human brain is an amazing organ, after all. Why does this sound like either a good or bad thing? What, if anything, is really needed? Emotional comfort? Sex? Both? Sometimes neither; it is within the realm of possibility that just putting one’s mind in “bisexual mode” – accepting the reality of it – is all that’s needed for them to feel whole and complete.

No further actions are required. And it can happen to anyone; at any time; with or without reason… and even if, initially, a reason doesn’t make one damned bit of sense to them. Really… how many times have I personally heard someone say, “I have no idea why I’m thinking about this?” or saying, “I don’t know why I have this urge to do this!”

That’s okay… because I don’t know, either – I just know that it does. Anyone. At any time. No warning or advance notice. One moment it’s not there and the next moment it is. It either gets ignored or shoved to the back of the bus or it becomes an itch that’s not going to go away until one tries to scratch it on some way and, usually, by giving the thought some attention – a little or a lot, doesn’t matter.

Are such thoughts already “pre-programmed” into us? Can be “activated” in a lot of different ways… or just remains dormant “forever?” That’s what we don’t know although a lot of experts in human behavior and sexuality are of a mind that gay folks, again, got it partially right: We’re born this way and now it’s all about whether it’s active or not, whether it gets activated or never does.

Who’s more likely? No way of knowing. Cannot be predicted or even guessed at. Some might say that men are more likely given our, um, hard-wired need for sex and some might say that women are because of their equally hard-wired need for emotional content and connection. While both thing could very well be true, they can also be just as untrue.

Which makes this stupid “bisexual visibility” thing such a pain in a lot of peoples’ ass: No one “looks like the type” because anyone could potentially be “the type.” Anyone. At any time. For reasons that just might not make any sense to the person in question, let alone to anyone else.

“Nah, I’d never do some shit like that!” Yeah… and how many times have I heard this and the person uttering it is now up to their eyeballs in it? More than I can easily count. Or, “I don’t believe in that!” and, hmm, somehow and in some way, their beliefs have changed and now, if they say anything about it, it’s a possibility and whether it’s a slim one or not. This is about the time when someone will start stating a lot of conditions that would have to happen before they’d actually do something and, usually, in their minds, formed in such a way that tends to insure that they won’t be able to do anything.

Then they do something and now they’re even more bamboozled because whatever conditions they put in place to make sure they couldn’t do it, well, how’d that work for ya? It didn’t, huh? Uh-huh: How many times have I heard someone say, “I don’t believe I just did that!”?

A lot. Anyone. At any time. For any reason.

That’s the best I got…