Life, Living and Loving: When Rules Attack!

First, a few things about alternative relationships. People form relationships, follow the rules of monogamy, and think that things not only won’t change, they’re not supposed to change; whatever the prevailing conditions are, that’s what you have to work with which is fine, right, and proper.

But Change is an unstoppable beast – a force of nature, if you will. Humans don’t much like change – we are creatures of habit and once we adopt a habit of any kind, changing it – stopping, modifying its behavior, etc., isn’t easy to do and the way we go about relationships is a habit as well as a decree set down by some very long-dead peoples who decided that the way we were living – think of polyamorous groups/clusters that were conducive to survival – was just plain wrong and that settling down – and staying down – with just one person was gonna be the best way to do things going forward.

Even way back in those very early days, um, that shit didn’t quite work the way they said it should and, many centuries later, it still doesn’t quite work the way they said it should because the one thing I think those rule makers never really took into consideration is Change except to mandate that if Change does come to visit and certain changes were needed, your only recourse was – and still is – to reject any such changes, dissolve the relationship, and try your luck again and, hopefully, with someone who wouldn’t be swayed by Change and who was quite fearful of the consequences of having the audacity to want things to change.

Even as far back as the 1950s – and for the purposes of this scribble it’s the time I arrived kicking and screaming into the world – things like wife swapping were all the rage in suburbia although I suspect that it was always on the DL since the first couple who broke the rules looked at each other and said, “This shit ain’t working – so what are we gonna do?”

Ah, those blasphemous, hedonistic heathens! Being non-monogamous while still being officially a couple? Not playing by the rules and rules that not only applied to the legally married but to anyone in a relationship? Impossible! Never to be done! All manner of fire and brimstone will be visited upon you shameless sinners!

Yet, despite all the ruckus, alternative relationships kept right on going, maybe not as much of a “mainstream thing” but, yeah – couples in a relationship were becoming more aware of the fact that the rules we were meant to live by and at all costs just weren’t allowing a couple to be as happy with their conjoined lives as they could be.

But figuring out how to bypass the rules isn’t easy because what you want is to have your cake and eat it, too… and there were no instruction manuals on how to do this, leaving people to their own devices to bend, twist, and even break the rules and make this non-monogamous thing work.

Enter the nitroglycerin and a habit that was developed to prevent something that is anathema to us all: Losing the person we’re with. Some really smart folks, way back in the day, figured out that if you got rid of the rules, you needed new rules to take their place and since the original set of rules supposedly were able to prevent loss of this type (not counting dying, of course), well, any new rules had to be able to do this… and this is where things got iffy and, yes, I’m understating things.

An unmarried couple makes the decision to open their relationship so that a MFF threesome can happen; the guy in the relationship – and for whatever reason made sense to him – thought it would be hot as fuck for his girlfriend to have sex with another woman… but the girlfriend, eh, wasn’t really feeling that but, okay, let’s give it a try. He arranges the threesome, they all jump into bed and his girlfriend starts having sex with the other woman… and, who knew – she liked it and dove in with a gusto, leaving the boyfriend in a spectator mode. He didn’t like that, got mad because he was being summarily ignored and even madder because his girlfriend was having way too much fun than he was… and broke her jaw in three places.

A married couple decided that opening their relationship was a better option than getting a divorce but the husband, who feared losing his wife to any guy who could make love, have sex, or fuck her better than he could, stuck in rules that would allow him to control what his wife could and couldn’t do – and in this case, one rule was that she could suck all the cock she wanted to… but couldn’t partake of the other guy’s sperm in that fashion. They engaged with another couple, things were going well; the wife was happily sucking away on the other guy’s cock and he lost his load and the wife happily partook of it since, in her mind, this was what she wanted to do (among other things). Because she broke the rules, they were divorced a few months later. He contended that, for one, she had planned to break the rules and that she wasn’t paying the required amount of attention to know when the other guy was going to cum – and she should have known this and dutifully stopped sucking him; that the guy wasn’t able to hang on to his load was deemed not to be his fault. So a ten-year marriage that, up to that point, had been going very well got thrown away.

Another married couple opened their marriage and with a lot of rules designed to prevent loss of the relationship but to also control each other’s behavior, i.e., only pre-approved and supervised activities were allowed and any spontaneous activities were prohibited. That meant that if the wife or husband ran into someone who pushed all of their buttons to make sex happen right away, nothing was supposed to happen. The husband – and the one who pushed for supervised sex – wound up in such a situation and handled the matter and as it called for. The wife found out and, bluntly, tried to kill him by stabbing him in his sleep for the rules violation; he spent months in the hospital recovering and she wound up being a guest of the state for a number of years.

Yet another couple decided to do this rather than dissolve their relationship but the guy, knowing of his lady’s desire for, ah, people of color, prohibited her from exploring this avenue. Another spontaneous “shit just happened” moment found her with a man of color and when her boyfriend found out hours later, he threw her out of their home, turning his girlfriend of many years into a destitute homeless person.

Another couple went for the gusto but the woman, who argued for this change was told that she could not partake of any cock that was bigger than his and let’s say that he wasn’t as endowed as he would have liked to be. They didn’t have a rule against spontaneous interactions… so when one happened, that wasn’t the reason why their relationship went down the toilet – it was because the guy she fucked had a cock that was, reportedly, only about an inch bigger than her man’s dick.

All up and down the line, people who try on alternative relationships tend to make similar mistakes that either makes the attempt fail and/or destroys an otherwise good relationship: Trying to prevent loss and trying to control how they have sex with others. On top of such restrictive and suppressive rulemaking, the other mistake often made is trying to be monogamous in a situation where monogamy cannot work; it’s kinda hard to “keep only unto yourself” when you’re trying to do the opposite.

One couple decided they wouldn’t exactly be open but they’d have an approved boyfriend or girlfriend and while this was deemed to be a fair thing to do, both people in the relationship inserted nitroglycerin-laced rules to limit when they could have sex with their new partners, how they could do it, stuff like that. The husband felt that the rules imposed were being violated by the wife who was having sex with her new boyfriend like there was no tomorrow… but not finding any fault in himself as he was banging his new girlfriend in a similar manner. Further compounding the problem was the fact that the new girlfriend and boyfriend were having sex with each other and going for all the gusto. The alternative relationship was dissolved and the marriage was obliterated six months later with both parties pointing the finger at each other for rules violations.

A woman asked for and got permission to have a girlfriend and it was agreed that the girlfriend could be shared with the boyfriend. Things got off to a stunning start; the chemistry between the three of them was amazing until the girlfriend started to feel that she was being left out of things and unhappy that her boyfriend and their girlfriend were having more and better sex than she was. In this case, no rules were violated but more baser things were in play – jealousy, possessiveness, envy, self-loathing, etc., and as a result, the alternative relationship was terminated because things weren’t going the way she envisioned they would.

Another couple set themselves upon this path and with the non-negotiable rule that no feelings other than lust take place. After months of engaging with her male partner of choice, she found that she was in love with him and he with her and the nitro went off big time; she was guilty of a major rules violation and was sent packing… but it was discovered later that the woman he had been involved with, well, he was in love with her but neglected to mention this. Their relationship went to shit because of these violations and eventually went down the drain.

Another couple set off the nitro they put in their alternative relationship because they both spent more time being with others than they did taking care of business at home. The problem here wasn’t exactly a rules violation but something that happened because a rule wasn’t put in place, namely, take care of home first. Since they didn’t have this rule, the relationship didn’t survive the resulting explosion when the nitro went boom.

In all of these real-life examples, copious amounts of nitroglycerin were added to the relationship mix and shook up in a way that would guarantee that the whole thing was going to blow up in everyone’s face because of micromanaging something that really shouldn’t be micromanaged.

There should be rules; to operate under these conditions without rules is just plain crazy. But rules should be put in place with some things that are, in my opinion, very damned important, beginning with if a rule is made, it can be changed if necessary or, everything is negotiable. Likewise, people change; playing by the established rules is all well and good but doesn’t take into account of how the power of sex can effect changes – and many act as if this should never happen. People put in loss-prevention rules that, on paper, make sense – the core relationship should be preserved at all times – but without considering that, well, shit happens and when you don’t want it to. A couple can promised to do this and not let this break them up – and while you can do your best to control what your partner can or can’t do in this, you can’t control their feeling or their thoughts.

A lot of these endeavors go awry, not because of rules violations, but due to a failure to communicate; they set things in motion after a lot of talking about things… and nothing more is said unless a rules violation is detected and then it’s all about how the violator is to be punished and then more restrictions are added – right along with even more nitro and other stuff that likes to go boom when you mess with it too much.

No one seems to take into consideration that Change wants to happen even when it’s deemed not to be in a couple’s best interest – then they find that if Change isn’t allowed to happen, well, boom goes the nitro. If you set down a very rigid set of rules to prevent loss and to control everyone’s actions, you’ve also set down enough nitroglycerin to, let’s say, blow up a good-sized city. Yes, you want nature to run its course in this but you also want everyone involved to be aware of the consequences of their actions and how those actions can and will impact the alternative relationship just as much as the core relationship can get jiggled enough to cause an explosion.

The trick – and one that most people who try to do this never learn – is to put the minimum amount of rules in place like take care of home first, don’t bring anything home that you’re not of a mind to be responsible for and, I think, a very important rule, talk about whatever has been taking place and making adjustments as necessary to ensure that the core and alternative relationships can continue to operate as smoothly as possible.

Some couples agree to do this thing but put in a rule that says whatever you’re doing – or whomever – they don’t want to know anything about it. In this, the “whole purpose” of the alternative relationship is set aside, that being, sharing the experience with each other. Now we get into the most fatal and nitro-jiggling thing: Thinking “me” and not “us.” Many folks get on this path thinking about what they want and being of a mind that because it’s what they want, their partner – who they expect to agree with this – has no involvement at all… and the endeavor fails due to a lack of communication and zero experience sharing so that any changes that might be called for never happen – and changes that could keep things running smoothly.

What many find out is that instituting an alternative relationship is a lot harder than a regular relationship. When you go +1 (or more) the whole relationship dynamic changes and there must be attention paid to a few very key elements: Communication, time management, problem and conflict resolution. I maintain that if you do not possess any of these skills – and they are all needed – you will set off the nitro and this will blow up in your face and catastrophically so. These things are not static… any more than being exclusively monogamous is as static as it they say it’s supposed to be. Why? Because people aren’t static – they’re dynamic or they are always subject to Change showing up and nudging them in different directions and the simplest example of this is how many times in any given day you change your mind about something or how your feelings are flowing from one moment to the next.

The thing here is that we go through these changes… and we don’t always notice them but delving into an alternative relationship will sure as hell make you aware of changes… if you’re smart and observant enough to pay attention… and you should be. Where there are some rules that shouldn’t be broken, any other rules should allow a lot of wiggle room or if you don’t allow for someone to screw up, boom! Rules should be adjusted as needed; if the woman in this needs to have the “don’t cum in her mouth” rule revised, she should be able to sit down with her partner and talk about changing this, the pros and cons and, importantly, how changing this rule is going to impact the core relationship as well as how it’s gonna make her feel.

If scheduled and supervised activities is making things difficult, it’s time to sit down and talk about revising this particular rule. Someone feeling left out? Not getting “their fair share” of things? Sit down, put it on the table, and work the issue until a solution is reached that everyone can live with – and with the understanding that such a solution might need more work at some point.

If a couple isn’t diligent and dedicated to making this work – and willing to put in the huge amount of work that’s necessary, you’re gonna set off all that nitroglycerin you’ve added to the mix… and when it goes boom, it ain’t gonna be pretty. And then there’s this: Most of the shit that will make the nitro go off can be avoided but, as I always say, to not set it off, you have to unlearn everything you thought you knew about love, sex, and relationships so that you can learn a new way to do these things.

Those who fail to learn get blown the fuck up. If you try to control or micromange things, like retaining the “right” to choose your partner’s partner, this will blow up in your face and, indeed, anything you put in place that will serve to be restrictive and designed to not let someone be the way they need to be in this, boom.

If you try as hard as you can to prevent loss, you’re gonna experience and suffer it and I can almost guarantee that this will blow up in your face. Yes, you have a duty to preserve the core relationship but when you do the “logical” thing and construct very restrictive and inhibiting rules to ensure that the core relationship will remain intact, you’re gonna set the nitro off pretty quick when those rules lack flexibility and you take away someone’s ability to adapt to situations.

And, really, if you aren’t aware of just how powerful sex is, whew, I hope you have a blast-proof suit on… because you’re gonna need it.

So, Jennifer: How did I do? It is to note that I didn’t include things like Jennifer’s DD stuff; that’s a very different kettle of fish and, well, you should go read her blog to see how she and her cadre manage this kind of relationship – it’s impressive as fuck and I’m not easily impressed. The thing is that Jennifer and all those involved found a way to manage their +1 (or more) relationship without setting the nitro off and utterly destroying things. They found the right mix of things to make it work; they communicate, manage things without micromanaging them and when change is called for, they get together and work it out so that things keep working as smoothly as humanly possible.

It’s a lot of work and something I know for a fact; it makes being in a one-on-one relationship look like child’s play and ridiculously easy by comparison. But it can be done… if you’re willing to put in the work that will be necessary to make sure the nitroglycerin never goes boom.

 

Life, Living and Loving: DDJennifer Said It Right

DDJennifer, in her latest blog – https://ddjennifer.wordpress.com/2019/09/15/335-the-bond-of-sex/ – said this:

“Sex must remain an invulnerable, untouchable, inalienable, non-negotiable, unassailable, sacred, absolute, BOND exclusively between TWO people. “

“This bond is the wrapper on most relationships.  The slightest threat can puncture the wrapper, spilling the contents of the relationship on the ground like roadkill.“

“I am going to try and contain my rant as that is not the point of this post, but, it’s sad.  People who are otherwise loving and nurturing to each other will allow the relationship to vaporize due to a violation of that bond.   I almost agree with that bond, except the exclusive part.   There is no reason for exclusive sex to be the super-glue to a relationship that, once dissolved, takes the relationship with it.”

She goes on to talk about some stuff that’s unique to her situation but I was wowed to see this part because there aren’t that many people who actually gets this and how clinging to this very archaic way of doing things can, bluntly and frankly, fuck shit up and irreparably so.

Even people who are of a +1 (and more) frame of mind don’t always gets this and it winds up being a matter of manhandling nitroglycerin (and not dynamite as DDJennifer went on to say – nitro is some really finicky stuff that really could blow up in your face if you looked at it the wrong way) which, ultimately, winds up obliterating everything.

It is not to say that when a relationship goes +1 (or more) that there can’t be any rules in place but in my observations, people add a lot of nitroglycerin to the mix right off the bat and, usually, to insure that their core relationship will and can remain intact and with the addition of inhibiting sex in that who, what, when, why, and how way. Not only do they put a “suicide vest” on things, they break out the super glue (thanks for that one, too, Jennifer!) to make sure that once the “vest” has been placed, it can never be adjusted in any way and removing it, well, I’m sure you can imagine what’ll happen.

I commented that there’s a difference between the sex you have with your core partner and the sex you have with others. What some folks kinda/sorta overlook or sometimes totally discounts is that everyone has their own idea of what sex is supposed to be like even in a +1 (or more) arrangement… and a lot of people look at it just like Jennifer said… and as strange as that might sound.

In the swinging lifestyle, it’s par for the course for couples to have rules that limits how everyone can have sex; the woman can suck cock but she’d better not even think about finishing off the dick even if that’s what’s going to enhance her participation in things. I’ve seen folks emphatically state that there will be no cross-couple kissing; the guys can eat all the pussy they want to… but their kisses are confined to those lips below the waist.

In this, they say that kissing is too personal and intimate and is only for the couples alone and this particular sentiment makes my eyes roll painfully hard because, I dunno, maybe it’s just me, but I’m not 100% sure how putting your mouth on another woman’s coochie is deemed to not be personal or intimate. Yet, many swingers insist that this is gospel and canon and should this rule be violated, there will be consequences – boom goes the nitro.

Folks with very restrictive rules seem to miss something I – and many others – find important: If you expand your relationship to be able to have sex with others, the expansion is part of your sexual bond with each other so that you can establish other sexual bonds and make no mistake: Sex binds. People are going to behave in whatever way that bond forms and since, again, a lot of people try to handle this bonding by decrying any emotional connection that isn’t plain old lust, well, no wonder the nitro tends to go off more than it should.

Now, you might be thinking, “Well, that makes sense!” – and I’m here to tell you that it doesn’t, not if you really understand how sex affects us. It’s like this: You can’t do anything about the way you feel; you can only do something about how you might act on those feelings so when you go +1 (or more), telling each other that catching some feelings for the other person isn’t allowed just adds a lot of nitro to the mix; you now have two people suppressing their emotions as well as adding inhibitors and, get this, inhibitors that had to be removed so that a couple can be +1 (or more).

There’s a reason why I tell people that if you’re gonna do this thing, you gotta unlearn everything you know about love, sex, and relationships so that you can learn a whole new way to go about these things – and that stuff I swiped from Jennifer is one of the things you have to unlearn and, really, redefine by getting rid of “exclusively between two people.” It gets kinda confusing at this point.

You have your unique bond with each other and it should be unbreakable and all that but monogamous exclusivity? Eh, not working for either of you but that can be remedied. The biggest question asked in this is, “How can we do this without screwing up our relationship?” and they go about figuring out and, as mentioned, adding lots of nitro into the mix that, at some point, is going to destroy everything… and sex – along with the emotions it can invoke – is the detonator that few people learn to keep their fingers off of.

Not having rules is a bad thing, too; you just gotta have them but they must be constructed so that the nitro doesn’t get jiggled and explode… while allowing everyone involved to be bound by the sex and the way it’s going to happen and trying to wrap your heads around just how fucking powerful sex is and, preferably, before you open the doors for any potential applicants.

We worry about losing our partner… and that is to be prevented at all costs, right? What we forget – or don’t think is supposed to happen – is that the moment you enter into a relationship, loss is in play – nothing is forever. I’ve been asked, “Well, what if they fall in love with the other person?” The answer they don’t want to hear is, “If they do, they do – not sure how you can really stop that from happening.” To this end, it’s not that your partner falls in love – it’s what, if anything, they think they need to do about that. We believe that being in love with more than one person is a very bad thing and, in and of itself, it isn’t – it’s what people tend to do and this is the part where I’ll tell people that if the love you have for each other isn’t strong and durable enough, ya might not want to do this.

Your relationship, at its core, has to be all of that stuff Jennifer wrote and it can still be that way without that “exclusively between two people” part… except, um, we don’t know how to do this because we’re taught not to even think about stuff like this. So figuring out how to do this and without winding up blowing shit up is, indeed, difficult and it’s my thought that a lot of attempts to do this go badly because, in many situations, the couple looking to go +1 (or more) is thinking “me” and not “us.”

What can we do to make our relationship better; how is this going to make us happier with each other and those who may join us. I think that when the focus on “us” gets waylaid, the nitro is gonna have a field day blowing shit up. And, I think, the moment you try to put the sex on lockdown, you’ve got your finger on the detonator and that finger is going to slip and…

Boom. Congratulations! You just destroyed your relationship. When you put too many hard-set rules into the mix, you’re setting yourselves up to fail. Okay… make your rules… but with the understanding that they can be changed if needed. If someone runs into the wall you’ve created with your rules, well, okay – time to sit down and talk to each other to see if the wall can be removed and more so when removing it will continue to allow us to keep being better, happy, all that good stuff.

Some walls should remain in place… but those that can be removed should be torn down; if the woman in the core relationship, say, wants to finish off a guy in the +1 (or more) mix with a mind-blowing blow job – but you have a rule that says she can’t – well, get rid of it; we should be of a mind that whatever makes our partner happy will, in turn, make us happy as well as the whole core relationship. If you have a rule that sex with any of the +1 (or more) participants can only happen when supervised by a member of the core relationship, eh, get rid of it; it takes the spontaneity of sex out of the equation, can screw up any attempts to schedule times to have sex and other logistical nightmares that make managing the +1 (or more) relationship difficult and subject to upsetting any nitroglycerin that may be in the mix.

That’s not a good thing. Yes – create rules and stay within the rules but if changes are required – and it’s a sure bet that they will be – sit down, talk, and work out the best way to effect change without blowing everything straight to hell.

It’s not easy and I can tell you that for me, it was the most amazing thing I’ve ever done and been a part of in my whole life… and the most insane thing I’ve ever had to deal with because another common mistake is not taking into consideration what the other +1 (or more) members are thinking and feeling about all of this.

Makes me say that if you don’t have excellent communication, time management, problem and conflict resolution skills, ya might want to learn them before you even try this; otherwise – boom.

And you want to do whatever has to be done to make sure it doesn’t go boom.

 

Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: Wow – Who Knew?

One of the things that gives me joy and sometimes makes me laugh is when a guy finds out that sucking cock isn’t as bad as they were told or believed.

It’s an exciting yet scary moment because while it’s easy to imagine doing this, oh, yeah, it gets very real when there’s a cock before you and awaiting your attention. Thoughts make themselves known: Can I do this? Should I be doing this? I can’t fucking believe I’m about to do this! Shit… do I even know how to do it?

Mouth meets cock and wow – who knew this could be this exciting? And those new to cock sucking are usually quite surprised… while us experienced cock suckers sit back and smile knowingly and, yeah, I’ve been known to laugh at their reactions, not in a disrespectful way but sharing their joy of discovery.

Why do they like it so much? Well, there’s some science/psychology involved – which I won’t get into – but a lot of it is discovering that sucking a dick is quite liberating – any fears they previously had didn’t pay them a visit and that’s a great relief and load off their mind. That sperm in the mouth thing? Hmm, yeah… some truth to the acquired taste thing but not really that bad!

Who knew?

Well, a lot of people knew… but the question oddly makes sense when it’s new to you. All those “stories” one might have heard about how heavenly it is right along with all the horror stories play into this as well – is any of it true? Will the bad shit happen to me?

What if I don’t like it? Fuck…what if the other guy doesn’t like it? These and many more questions weigh heavily on the novice cock sucker’s mind… and, goodness, it is sheer heaven to find out that, yeah, it ain’t as bad as advertised.

It didn’t kill them; didn’t turn them into a flashy, flamboyant gay dude or make them feel unmanly. It was great, amazing, all that and a bag of chips…

And they can’t wait to do it again. All puns and jokes aside, it is addictive. Some say it’s a huge ego trip to have a guy’s cock in their mouth and knowing that you’re controlling what he’s feeling; some guys enjoy that “battle of wills” that takes place – homie ain’t trying to give up the nut… and you’re trying to make him give it up.

Such good fun and, yeah, fun that can also be frustrating. The newbie learns, as all cock suckers do, that this is hard work and something that worked well one time might not work the next time… and even on the same guy. One learns some stuff about doing it and even put their own spin and touches on techniques that, hopefully, will increase their pleasure and the pleasure of the guy they’re blowing.

I mean, who knew? Well, now you know like those who suck cock knows.

 

Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: Back to Normal… Kinda

Wow… what a ride I took myself on the last couple of days, huh? For those who thought I’d gone off the deep end and with no hope of return, nah – sometimes I gotta sound insane in order to get a point across.

No brain cells were harmed… well, um, none that weren’t already in the deep doo-doo.

I sit, think, and observe; I interact with other bisexuals and I learn things. Bisexuality isn’t a one-size-fits-all kind of thing and while the sex part of this gets a lot of attention, every bisexual is different… because we’re all different. We may have the same overall goals… but we go about achieving those goals differently.

We have a lot of the same fears and concerns… and we deal with them differently. We may appear to be mindless and indiscriminate in our pursuit of those sexual pleasures… and not all of us are and to that end, anyone, regardless to sexuality or behavior, can potentially have an, “Oh, shit – what did I do?” moment because shit happens… and when you don’t want or need it to.

I interact with those looking to take the plunge and do my best to answer their questions and allay their fears and concerns while also doing my best to let them know that their experiences, should they choose to have them, will be different from my own or from anyone else they’ve being in touch with about these things and that it is quite true that any experience they may have is only going to be as good as they’re willing to make it.

Sometimes, there are no easy answers; how does a bisexual in a relationship ask for and get permission to investigate their curiosity and indulge in their desires? It is, in fact and in deed, the hardest question to answer and with this one a close second, I think: How can I indulge myself without cheating on my partner? That one, actually, is easy to answer: Get permission… and cue the vicious cycle. Oh, by the way, these two questions might sound as if they’re the same question – they aren’t.

This one makes me throw my hands in the air a lot because the possible choices for either question are the same: Ask for permission, invoke Rule Number One – look after your own ass first – and take the infidelity route, or do absolutely nothing… and all three possible choices have some pretty fucked up down sides.

I sit, observe, and think about what others are doing or trying to do and I ask myself, “How can they make this easier on themselves?” or “What could they do differently to make being bisexuality a more “seamless” kind of thing rather than the “two-sided coin” it tends to feel like?”

And then, how can I answer or assist them – or try to – without losing objectivity? Sure… I tell a lot of folks that if I could do it – and others have done it, it can be done which, on the surface, doesn’t sound all that objective but it really is because bisexuals today are asking the same questions, have the same concerns, etc., that I’ve had to deal with and, again, I’m not the only one who has. In our own ways, we found ways to make the impossible, possible – but often at a price and not always with a high degree of success.

It’s a response that really says to someone, “This isn’t as impossible as you think it is… but it is something you have to work at; if it’s something you really want to do, you’ll find a way to do it.”

And therein lies the problem for many bisexuals – finding a way to make this work for them. I can – and I have – shared everything I know about this but it often becomes clear that what works for one person ain’t gonna work for someone else – because their life and situation is uniquely different – but despite a lot of top-level similarities – married or hooked up with someone who may or may not have a negative view of things not heterosexual, strong and immutable beliefs in monogamy, stuff like that.

Whether it works is anyone’s guess but the one thing that remains consistently clear is that if you don’t ask, you won’t know; likewise, if you never try, you can never fail… and you need to fail in order to learn how to succeed. You might think, “That’s easy for you to say!” and my response to this is, “No… it really isn’t…” if you knew how hopeless, useless and ineffectual I often feel to watch people struggle with this – and there’s nothing else I can do or say to help them.

It’s a pretty shitty feeling and one that makes me wonder why I even try to help… but the answer is easy: Because someone has to. Bisexuals and even the bi-curious have to know that they’re not as alone in this as they can feel, that all the shit that’s running around in their head is the same shit everyone goes through when bisexuality lands on them like the biggest ton of bricks ever; that finding solutions isn’t impossible if you’re willing to do the work to find them.

Someone has to tell them that a lot of the stuff they hear is, bluntly, bullshit and the result of a lot of people overly emphasizing every negative thing that’s ever been said or what they can think of; someone has to tell them, “You know, this shit ain’t new – I heard this way back in the 1960s… and it was bullshit then – what does that tell you?”

Someone has to tell them, in no uncertain terms, that the risks are real… but they can be avoided, minimized, even managed if one is smart about what they do and who they do it with. Someone has to tell them some real-deal shit, namely, that casual sex isn’t evil, meaningless, or empty and, no, you don’t have to be in a relationship with someone to validate your bisexuality.

Someone has to hit them with the science of sex; it never fails to amaze me how many guys don’t know how their bodies work, like, why do they feel absolutely shitty after busting a nut? I know the answer because I wanted to know the same thing – and I found it. You wouldn’t believe the kinds of questions guys ask.

Someone has to tell them that having a crisis of faith is pretty normal but to not try to give themselves a stroke – there are more very religious bisexuals than you can shake a stick at – and they’re okay with God or their deity of choice.

In the insanity surrounding bisexuality, someone has to be a voice of reason and cut through the bullshit… and as shitty as it sometimes makes me feel, that’s reason enough to do what I do for others who are like me or want to be.

Because someone has to do it. If not me, then who? If not now, when? If I know “some shit” about being bisexual, do I not have a “duty” to share what I know? Yeah… feels like it to me. My purpose – my mission, if you will – is not to convert people to bisexuality; it’s to explain it, to break it down as simply as I can manage to do so and, yeah, sometimes, do my best to talk someone out of taking the plunge when it’s clear to me that they’re not ready to jump in.

Think first… then act if you must… or if you can. If, by chance, someone reads this and says to themselves that maybe, just maybe, this might be something that could work for them, it’s all good. If, by chance, someone reads this stuff I write and says to themselves, nah, no way in hell I could do some shit like that, it’s still all good.

And to those folks who’d never do some shit like this, uh, um, someone has to tell them, “Never say never…” because I’ve heard so many people say this… and got their minds changed… and are onboard with it… and someone has to tell them why they got onboard when they said they never would.

The message is: Bisexuality is real… and more real than you might know. It’s what you think it is… and there’s a lot most people don’t know about it. It’s about the sex… and not so much; it’s not just a thing to do – it’s a way to be and one that is quite eye-opening because you get to see some stuff that you might not have been paying much attention to. It can change your life… but whether that’s in a good or bad way is really up to the individual.

And someone has to let them know this. Someone has to speak both to the joys and pitfalls of being bisexual and assure them that despite those pitfalls, yeah – being bisexual is really a lot of fun even if you never have the sex… but, um, that’s a lot of fun, too.

 

Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: What A Night – Three the Hard Way

Yep… still not trusting this thing and, oh, Larry? Yeah, I forgot to do this in Word but I won’t forget it next time.

People want to believe that bisexuals do whatever they do in a mindless fashion… and that crazy sounding thing I wrote last night says that we’re not as mindless as folks think we are: We do think about what we’re doing and why we’re doing it and even in touch with whatever feelings that are coursing through us – and at any given moment before, during, and after the fact. And, yes – that includes being very much aware of the consequences of our actions.

We just don’t pay that much attention to it. I know this because even though I know there’s more shit than I want to admit to going on in my head that, over all this time, I’ve learned to not pay a whole lot of attention to unless a yellow or red flag pops us.

How you’re feeling and what you might be thinking in any given moment can impact the sex you’re having and not always in a good way. How many of us had have sex with someone when our feelings and thoughts suggested that, um, something like cleaning a messy toilet sounds like a better idea?

Take a peek inside your head – the answer is there. Experiencing some performance issues? Might not be a physical reason… could be one that’s inside your head. If you go down on a girl or guy and they aren’t responding, not having an orgasm, etc., did you do anything wrong… or is the reason inside their head… or even yours? We’re quick to blame ourselves when the sex doesn’t go “right” and even quicker to blame the other person when, and I’ll say usually, the real culprit lives inside your – and their – skulls and is likely to just fuck with you because it can.

We all try to blank out or settle our minds before doing the deed… only to find out that, um, that doesn’t work or last very long. I talk a lot about being in the moment and some folks have a hard time with this… because of what’s going on inside their head, from random shit to being acutely focus on stuff they ain’t gonna do because, hmm, it might make them lose control, become very vulnerable, not their idea of fun and a lot of other shit that makes being in the moment – giving yourself over to it fully – a very damned hard thing to do.

Is it really overthinking to think about whatever you might be thinking and feeling at any given moment in this? Y’all might say it is… but I’m just saying that it might not be and more so if you ever get it into your head that you’re not enjoying sex as much as you think/feel you should and, oh, yeah, it’s the other person’s fault. We further and often sabotage our sexual efforts by having a firm set of expectations in mind and there’s a part of our brains that’s paying very close attention to make sure those expectations are being met and/or exceeded… and that serves to distract us from what’s actually being done (or what we’re doing) and, yeah, ya might not really be aware of the fact that you’re doing this… and sometimes you are.

What am I thinking about just before I go down on someone? You have no idea of how much shit I’m thinking about and feeling in that very precise and specific moment and even when I’m shoving it to the back of my mind so that I can be in that moment… because it’s about being in the moment and I’m just the guy who will tell you that whenever you find yourself not being fully in the moment, ask your brain why it’s not letting you do this.

You might be surprised at what you find out about yourself and, perhaps, those you sexually interact with. Why does a guy/gal feel guilty just before oral sex begins – and despite wanting to do it or get it done? It’s all in your head… you’re not supposed to put your mouth on anyone like that or allow someone else to. Feel dirty, nasty, and horribly filthy having anal sex even though you like it? That’s your brain fucking with you.

Did something you swore on a stack of bibles you’d never do? Ask your brain why you did – it knows.

The bottom most thing is that if you don’t or can’t understand yourself, you might have a difficult time understanding why someone else is the way they are when having sex and especially if it goes “badly” or you get surprised by unexpected actions that your brain is directly responsible for.

That guy who blew and finished me? The first thing he said – when he could speak – was, “Why did I do that? I didn’t want to do that!” And I knew why: Something he was either thinking or feeling said to him, “Yeah… do it!”

Or, “Fuck it…” Why? Because, at some point, your brain just gets overloaded with a lot of shit and shit you might not even be aware of. Why did someone do that? Or why didn’t they do something? Why did you change your mind one way or the other?

Ask your brain. The problem here is that a lot of the shit that really goes on doesn’t have any words you can use to explain it so if asked, you wind up saying, “I don’t know!” or simplifying things down to, “It just feels good” or it didn’t.

Yep – really deep shit that – and get this – we don’t wanna think about.

 

Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: What A Night – Part Deux

Yeah… not trusting the WordPress editor today.

Now, I know a lot of these… changes come from being in the moment aka “the heat of the moment” where whatever is going on inside your head is one huge jumble of stuff that gets pared down to a couple of words: Fuck it!

I’ve uttered those two words to myself… but what made me say them? For me, it’s not enough to know what I might or might not do; that’s easier than understanding why I might or might not do a thing and finding out calls for taking a close look at what, if anything, was going on in my head. Like most people – and if you had asked me way back when – I would have told you I wasn’t thinking about anything… until I realized that I was thinking about a whole lot of shit and, oh, my God… the shit I’d find running around in my head was unbelievable!

Yep… I’d be focused and paying attention to the task at hand… but it was the stuff running around in the background that floored me like, why would I be thinking about taking my car to the car wash just as I started having sex with someone? Or what was on my schedule at work for the next day or the whole week? For the task at hand, what was I gonna do? How was I gonna do it? Do I even really want to do this?

Still sound insane? Yeah, it does but methinks one of the keys about having sex with someone is understanding yourself in these things and, for me, that means digging down to the root of things – all that shit that goes on in my head that, at a high level, I probably shouldn’t be thinking about while understanding that my brain never really shuts down, well, unless I’m on the operating table and anesthetized – but that’s different.

Over the years, I’ve had people ask me, “What were you thinking about?” and, again, I’d say I wasn’t thinking about anything (other than what we were doing) or I’d say, “I dunno – I didn’t know I was thinking about anything!” Only to find out that I was… and, yeah, maybe all that shit running around in my head could have affected what I was doing in some way both in good and not so good ways.

Hmm. If I’m like this, could others be like this and, as such, this unwanted and unstoppable thought processes could also impact how they’re having sex? Yeah… I can “hear” y’all laughing your asses off at me and I’m good with that… except I know that there’s a good chance you know exactly what I’m talking about because you’ve had your mind sometimes screwing shit up for you when you’re naked and getting busy, too.

See, I’m a mentor to one guy and share my knowledge of M2M things with other men; they have questions, I usually have an answer. A guy will ask about wanting to suck a dick and whether or not it’s weird for him to want to suck one as badly as he feels – and why does he want to do this in the first place? I’ve learned that you cannot and should not give someone a half-assed answer, oh, like, “Don’t worry about it – just do it and you’ll be okay!” because they might not be okay, that and a lot of guys – and gals – wind up screwing the pooch in some very bad ways because they don’t know what they don’t know.

I just happen to be the guy who does know… because I think and study the shit that most people don’t give a lot of thought about. Why didn’t he cum even though you did everything you could think of to get him to do that? For that matter, why didn’t she cum? Did he/she not like what I was doing? Do I suck at whatever? A gazillion questions like this come up every day and a lot of them lead to a lot of self-loathing, eroding one’s self-confidence, etc., and they don’t know why.

I do – most of the time – and because I think about that shit and I think about it because it’s important.

 

Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: What A Night!

Sometimes, my brain just runs off the rails and as evidenced by my late night TBT about pre-cock sucking (and pussy eating) thoughts… and even as I wrote it, I was thinking, “You sound like a crazy person – you know that, don’t you?”

Yeah, I knew it… and I still did it and had fun scribbling it. While it’s all right and proper for me to have my thoughts kinda/sorta organized before scribbling, eh, sometimes I don’t but that’s cool – this blog is about what’s in my head and there’s no telling what’s gonna pop outta there and, um, what it’s gonna sound like when it does.

I had been thinking about sex and across the spectrum – from that general high level to the more “personal” aspects; I was thinking about the “Then and Now” post as well as the one WordPress made go away that was about being bi and married – including just being married – and how it’s the worst situation to be in once you find that you need something your partner can’t – or won’t – let you have.

I was thinking about the guys on the forum and all the sex-related things they come up with and my mind got locked on oral sex and, at that point, went flying off the rails over that moment before mouth meets genitals but, as I went on to explain, it was more of an exercise in self-awareness because in any of this, for me, it’s not enough to know what people do but why they do them – what are they thinking and/or feeling? Are they even aware of what’s going on with themselves?

Overthinking shit? Probably… but it’s all about understanding yourself and those you might become engaged with. While I was “losing my mind” writing last night’s scribble, I thought about all the many times I’ve had a guy go down on me when, before the fact, he said that was something he didn’t think he could do. Not that big of a deal for me – either you can or you can’t and I’m not gonna get bent out of shape if you can’t.

Next thing I know, the guy is going down on me and like his life depended on it and, yeah, I put a note in my mind to ask him later what he was thinking about or feeling that changed his mind. Hell, I’ve often wondered what made me change my mind when I’d do something I normally wouldn’t do, didn’t want to do, didn’t feel like it… and there I am, doing the “unthinkable” just the same.

Ditto with a woman who had never gone down on a guy. She made it clear that she never did it, wasn’t ever gonna do it… then she did it and, sure, I wanted to know why. Likewise with women who aren’t fans of guys going down on them or they’ve never been eaten; don’t like it, of a mind that someone’s mouth only belongs on those lips that are on your face, or having that done is just plain nasty… and, okay… but why “all of a sudden” did they say, “Eat me!”

I dunno… but I wanted to find out.