Today's Bisexual Thoughts: "Am I Gay?"

Faggot. Punk. Sissy. Queer. These four words – and probably some I wasn’t aware of – were all slurs used to describe homosexuality in the mid-1960s. As I recall, I didn’t hear the word “gay” until 1969 and, I dunno, the first time I heard it – some guy a bunch of other guys were talking about was said to be gay, well, um, the literal definition popped into my head – whoever the guy was that was being talked about was happy.

What was wrong with that? Oh, wait – that’s not what they meant and as indicated by another word flung out there that I did recognize: Queer. Phrases like, “He’s got some sugar in his tank!” and “He’s got some she in him!” were bandied about and usually followed by a lot of vicious laughter and threats of bodily harm and it didn’t make a difference whether the people discussing these “weirdos” were young or old.

But you just knew – learned, really – that being a faggot, punk, sissy, queer or gay wasn’t a good thing and among us youngster, tagging someone with one of these words was usually enough for a fight to start. Homophobia was running rampant and it was clear that any guy who dared to have sex with another guy – and someone found out about it – would face some shit that makes frat boy hazing look tame.

It just stood to reason that if you were bisexual – and even if you didn’t know the word existed – letting others find out that you had the nerve to go both ways could be rather hazardous and made for a treacherous period of growing up. It didn’t stop anyone from doing their dirt in this way but you took as much care as you could manage to make sure your secret didn’t get blabbed all over the place and this made good sense… except for those poor kids who got tagged as being queer… and they really weren’t.

“Am I gay?” This is usually one of the first questions a guy asks himself upon discovering that girls ain’t the only people he likes and gets his dick hard and I honestly and personally don’t know a single bisexual guy who hasn’t asked himself this question; the gay guys I knew, well, they knew they were gay – some flaunted it, some felt it was wiser not to. I used to wonder why this question would show up and more so when a guy who liked guys and gals, well, they’re not gay since it was very well known that gay guy might act like girls… but you’d never catch one trying to sleep with a girl.

I always thought it was odd that a guy who didn’t like pussy spent a lot of time acting like a girl and could usually be found hanging out with girls – eh, go figure. Still, a guy asking himself this question could count on the question standing right alongside a great deal of fear because, again, if you were gay, you were a magnet for all sorts of bad things that could wind up in your lap. Back then, there wasn’t any difference made between those guys who went both way and those guys who were faggots – it was all the same which, even then, didn’t make any sense and no more sense than such sentiments do today – some people are still of a mind that bisexual and homosexual are the same things.

The first question that a guy asks himself is along the lines of, “Why do I feel the way I do?” or “What’s wrong with me?” – stuff like that and, at some point, what they’re feeling becomes more… apparent and giving birth to the “Am I gay?” question and, yeah, that’s pretty disturbing and more so back in the late 1960s; you don’t know fear until there are five or six guys surrounding you, calling you a queer, and getting your ass kicked is imminent.

You fervently hoped and prayed that your answer to the question wasn’t, “Yes – you’re as queer as a $3 bill!” Now, a lot of guys figured out that, nope – they weren’t gay since, um, they were very busy chasing every girl they could and even catching them so they could, well, you know. But, hmm, if a guy wanted to do something, well, sure – I won’t tell if you won’t! Even more confusion in play, right? Not straight… but not gay, either; don’t know what this is I’m into!

Ah, I remember the day I had asked myself this question and it still embarasses me today when I think of the chain of events that led to me asking the question and the very well-known fact that before it even dawned on me to ask “the question,” I’d been happily sleeping with all the guys and gals I could get with.

I don’t really remember what put the question in my head other than to say I had been doing a “review” of myself, looking back at my past behaviors and taking note of how I’d changed, progressed, stuff like that. My then wife and I had decided to have a nooner and it was good, fun, and satisfying and I didn’t have a care in the world until that part of my mind that had been doing the review suddenly rained all over my post-coital bliss by asking, “Hey – are you gay?”

Instant internalized panic attack and one that got progressively worse as my brain faithfully cued up every single time I had sex with a guy and pushed the “play” button on me. I was totally freaked out and I actually had to sit down because I felt faint, my legs were shaking, and my blood pressure had to be triple digits top and bottom.

Let’s keep in mind at this point that I knew what bisexuality was and that I was bisexual; also keep in mind that this landed on me after I’d just had a great time screwing my wife, okay? Not like a day later – like ten minutes later. So, yeah, perhaps you can see why this is rather embarrassing because I already had the proof that I wasn’t gay but it’s also the “perfect” example of how your mind can just fuck with you and, in this case, unnecessarily so.

But wait – it gets worse! Instead of me coming to the understanding that, nah, there was no way in hell that I was really gay and instantly so, the question plagued me for almost two years and as I continually overlooked the fact of the many, many times I was gleefully screwing my wife… but I couldn’t stop thinking about all the dicks I had and to this day, I just do not know why I was so focused on this aspect of my life but, yeah, I was while totally overlooking the obvious.

Gets even worse! The “Am I gay?” thing was still bogarting my thoughts and I recall standing at the window of our apartment, looking out and pretty much staring – seeing stuff without really seeing it – when my mind said, “You’re an idiot, you know that, don’t you? You can’t be gay! Here – let me show you something…”

My mind took me back to the day I asked myself the question and what took place before the question… and, yeah, I’m not just an idiot – I’m an even bigger idiot, perhaps the king of the idiot world to finally realize that I should have known the answer to the question a split-second after it had been asked… and it shouldn’t have taken me all this time to get it through my apparently thick skull that, nope, I wasn’t gay…

I was bisexual and very much so. I felt so foolish and was pretty pissed with myself. But something came to me that I felt was important: I wouldn’t be able to understand the turmoil “Am I gay?” can cause someone if I’ve never experienced it, right? I mean, how many other guys (and a few gals) had I talked to and had listened to what they went through when “Am I gay?” landed on them like tons of bricks? And I realized that in those times, I really didn’t understand their pain – but I understood it now, didn’t I?

Still worse – well, kinda. Not too long after I’d answered the question, I fell in love with a gay guy and it was one of the most amazing experiences I’ve ever had and more so when I – and like so many bi guys – had sworn on a stack of bibles that there was no way in hell I could ever fall in love with some dude. It’s a reminder that one should try to stay on Karma’s good side, huh? And despite the torrid, emotional and, yeah, sex-filled moments of this “impossible” relationship, my sexuality was never in question.

I was bisexual and always had been. While my moments of peril with the question still makes me feel pretty silly, it did give me some experience and enough that when I see bi guys asking if they’re gay or talking about their own cluster fuck moments with the question, I can tell them with a great deal of certainty that chances are pretty good that they’re not gay because they have this… interest in men.

Along the way, I learned that some guys would ask themselves the question and discover that they really were gay and on the Kinsey scale, they were anywhere from 4 to even 6; the “6 guys” were usually ones who proved to themselves that being intimate with women just didn’t work for them. I could now listen to guys asking if I thought they were gay because visions of cocks were dancing all over their heads and tell them that, nope, probably not – but this dick thing is pretty exciting as much as it can be troubling, huh? I was able to get a lot of guys to figure this out way faster than I did just by asking them a simple question: Do ya still like pussy?

I’d feel – triumphant? – to watch them process this question and could see the answer written all over them before they verbally responded by saying that they did and very much so, thanks a lot for asking but, yeah – that dick thing was still a lot of fun to partake in even if they were on the verge of taking the plunge for the first time.

Then they’d ask – and as I did – what the fuck made them think that they were really gay when all of the evidence said that they weren’t… and that was a question I couldn’t answer except to state the obvious: The question just shows up to fuck with you. Was it some sense of guilt knowing that one is even thinking about going both ways or remembering any time where they spent an “inordinate” amount of time having sex with guys and more than they were screwing gals?

Or was it really a matter of a lack of information? Ya knew about being straight and ya knew about those gay folks and the way they handled their business… but going both ways? Being a switch-hitter and batting for both teams? It’s one thing to hear stuff like this and it’s referring to someone else… but when it’s you?

Yeah… it’s pretty disturbing to be something that no one really talked about except as some kind of joke or to just push someone’s buttons about how they liked to get their rocks off. It is to note that women did not really escape this… hazing but they handled this better than guys did; I’ve heard a lot of women who were accused of swinging both ways look at the accuser and say, “So what if I do? You’re just mad because you ain’t getting any of this pussy!”

If they had any inner turmoil going on, most girls were good at keeping others from finding out. Sure, some girls I knew would admit to liking other girls as much as they did guys and wondered if that meant they were really lesbian but I always felt that they answered this question about themselves better than I had… and a lot of guys as well.

You just get to a point where you don’t even concern yourself with the possibility of being gay – you are what you are, you do whatever you’re doing, and that’s that – and if anyone suggests to you that you’re really gay, you roll your eyes, laugh at them, and pretty much let them know that you’re not gay while not giving a single hint to the fact that you’re not straight, either.

I know I’ve had decades to observe all of this and I understand why this cluster fuck continues to fuck with people while seeing at the social level why not being 100% straight was a bad thing and, now, not being 100% straight or gay is being perceived as a “bad” thing…

Because we don’t understand it; we can’t accept that sexuality isn’t black and white. There are folks who continue to believe that gay folks have zero interest in opposite sex stuff but the truth is, um, some do. They wouldn’t say that they’re bisexual and insist that even though they occasionally cross the line, they’re still quite gay, thank you very much. I don’t know how many times I’ve had to explain to people that, yes – I have sex with men and women and because I do, I’m not gay and if you wanna get nitpicky about it, I am only gay when I’m doing something with another guy so, at best, you’re only partially correct but you’re overlooking the fact that I will get with some coochie, too… because that’s how bisexuality works.

Am I gay? Not even. Am I straight? Nope, not really. I’m both… and neither all wrapped up in one package… and if you can’t understand that, well, that’s not my problem; it’s not my fault that you’re operating with a lot of faulty information or that what you believe is keeping you from seeing the truth of things.

Gay men have insisted that I’m really gay and I should admit it and have gotten pissed when I’ve replied that for me to admit something like this would be a bald-faced lie… because I’m not gay… but I’m not straight, either. It’s flattering – well, now it is – to be told that I’d be a good gay guy; the first time a gay guy told me this, I almost punched him in the face. It surprised him… and surprised me, too, because I understood that I was still holding on to feeling some kind of way to be called gay – but, I guess that makes sense in a weird kind of way because no one likes to be called something that they know they aren’t. So to keep from punching people in the face about it, I just learned to ignore all those suggestions that I give up women and be the gay man I know I am.

Yeah… let’s not and say I did. Give up women and stop sticking my cock in their pussies? You done gone and lost your mind, haven’t you? I know I’m not gay; I asked myself the question and, yeah, okay, it took me a while to answer it – but I did answer it and I’m quite good with the answer.

Even if there are people out there who wants to keep thinking that being bisexual and being gay are one and the same. How does one go about answering this question for themselves?

Ya gotta get all up inside yourself; you gotta look at your thoughts and feelings as well as taking a very good look at anything you might be doing and, yeah, even thinking about doing. And you do this in some very deep and detailed ways. This very introspective examination could take a few moments to figure out or it can take years – it just depends on the person and their ability to really think about this. Just because a guy may find that he likes dick more than he likes pussy doesn’t mean that he’s gay… since, um, he still likes pussy but these days?

That doesn’t mean a whole lot because, as I said, there are some gay guys who like pussy, too, and, yep, there are lesbians who like some dick when the mood for it hits them. What we are learning is that all of those lines previously drawn along the sexualit spectrum are starting to blur and to the point where asking yourself if you’re gay doesn’t – and shouldn’t – mean anything unless you determine that things opposite sex just ain’t working for you when it comes to love, sex, and relationships.

We are learning that people do change their minds about their sexuality and sometimes more than once. You get to understand the angst over the labels – straight, bi, gay – because at the end of the day, they don’t mean a whole lot when it comes to your boat floating and being attracted in ways that the labels kinda insist you can’t be attracted to.

People are always asking themselves if they’re gay and they eventually get the answer to the question and the answer – whatever it may be – shouldn’t be so much of a problem – you are what you need to be. We just assume that if you’re straight, you’re always going to be straight no matter what but, um, straight people do become bisexual; shit, gay people become bisexual to some degree and in whatever way it suits their purposes.

Am I gay? Was I ever gay? Nope – I just am what I am… and what I am is bisexual and I’m good with that because to not be good with it just does not make any damned sense at all. If the shoe fit, just wear it and be proud of being able to wear it.

Sigh. People will ask themselves this question and the message is to not worry yourself sick over it and if you find that you are, then you are and, if not, you’re not. Accept that you can feel some kind of way about both men and women and if you do something about it, fine – but if you don’t, that’s okay, too.

 

Today's Bisexual Thoughts: Guilt, Denial, and Self-loathing

You don’t have to be a board-certified mental health professional to know that these three things aren’t good for anyone regardless of sexuality so it stands to reason that there are a lot of bisexuals who finds themselves dealing with these three very troubling emotions.

Bi guys – and maybe gals – talk about the guilt they feel upon discovering that they’re not as straight as they believed themselves to be and denial showing up is almost a given as well as that sickening sense of self-loathing. Even when they get around to learning that being bisexual isn’t as abnormal as they thought or was told, shaking The Bad Three isn’t all that easy but, yeah, having The Bad Three pay you a visit is also rather normal and is what, I think, makes it very difficult for a lot of people to admit to themselves that they’re bisexual.

“I don’t like guys like that!” This is denial and one’s mind literally trying to deny that they’re not feeling the way they’re actually feeling. It is… assumed that in order to be bisexual, you should like men in the same way one would like women and while this helps, it’s not really true but keep in mind that the rules say that men shouldn’t have any sexual interest in other men to begin with.

“This happens to other guys!” Yes, it does – but a lot of guys just do not believe it could ever happen to them. Another one: “But I’m not gay!” No, you’re not – duh.

Some guys feel guilty that they have these feeling toward men – again, we’re just not ever supposed to want to have carnal knowledge of each other and the mere thought of it evokes feelings of guilt and its partner, self-loathing. “I shouldn’t feel this way at all!” and yet, you do, huh? Some guys admit to self-loathing and guilt while they’re masturbating to gay porn and both members of The Bad Three tends to land on them like the proverbial ton of bricks immediately after ejaculation.

Some of that is the, ah, subject matter they were choking the chicken to and the rest is a side effect of the refractory period of sex when the depletion of certain brain chemicals just leaves one feeling not so good. Still, a lot of guys hate that seeing a hard dick or a nice male ass turns them on and, again, because this ain’t how this shit is supposed to work.

Yet, this is what’s happening and, again, the denial kicks in and at some point, it gets into a guy’s head that having these feelings really don’t make a lot of sense. Some guys are able to kick The Bad Three to the curb and accept that this is what it is and being in denial, feeling guilty, and catering to self-loathing is self-defeating and even harmful to themselves.

Some guys can’t get past this even with professional help. The power of belief is pretty damned strong and many folks have a hard time accepting this when it become apparent that everything they believed about this is just got invalidated and this going both ways thing isn’t just something that happens to other people.

They say the truth hurts… and the truth will set you free and it’s pretty weird and fucked up that both things are true.

My protege and I talk about this and he’ll ask me how I dealt with the guilt, denial, and self-loathing and, hmm, I really have to think about that. With denial, I had determined that it didn’t make sense for me to be all up in being bisexual and then telling myself that I shouldn’t be doing it, shouldn’t like it, stuff like that; it was telling myself a lie that I just couldn’t make myself believe. Now the guilt and self-loathing? Whole different thing and I told him that there are a lot of times when I feel the guilt and self-loathing trying to eat at me even when I was in the middle of getting busy and the way I dealt with it was to learn how to ignore it.

I’d learned the source of this, that being, everything I was told sex is supposed to be and that this… prohibition is deeply ingrained in me – and as it is almost everyone – and it’s not going away… so it didn’t make sense for me to keep paying attention to it. Of course, before I got the hang of it, I’d spend some time rooting around in these feelings to figure out – and understand – why I felt this way when, um, a few minutes ago, I was feeling very different.

Your mind will just fuck with you any and every time you think about or do something you “know” you shouldn’t be thinking about, let alone be doing. Once I learned about social conditioning and the roots of morality – including all that Old Testament stuff that people still cite, okay – the guilt and self-loathing is kinda built-in and the key to defeating it is understanding that there’s nothing to feel guilty about and hating on yourself because of it is counterproductive and harmful.

Not everyone can do this and I make it sound kinda easy and I can assure you that it wasn’t. I didn’t like feeling the guilt and self-loathing so, at least for myself, the answer was to stop letting those two things fuck with me. Even today, I can be sucking a guy’s dick and having big time fun… and I can “hear” the guilt and self-loathing ranting and raving from the cage I learned to lock them into. I can’t silence them… but I can ignore them.

Guys ask how they can not feel The Bad Three and there are no easy answers and it will severely test one’s ability to readjust their thinking and do something about what they’ve always believed in since there’s plenty of evidence to support the fact that what you believe in is, at the very least, incorrect. It’s just hard getting the truth of this to replace one’s beliefs; it can’t be true, can it, because we’re not supposed to do shit like this, right?

Well, yeah – we’re not supposed to… yet, we do, don’t we? Now which thing is actually the truth? And good luck accepting that, yup, we might be batshit crazy about women… but we can be this way about men, too, and again, there’s plenty of evidence to support this and, um, yeah, if this is how you’re feeling and thinking, you’re part of the evidence as well.

That’s why being bisexual tends to fuck with peoples’ head so much. You can see the denial aspects still in play with those people who avoid identifying as a bisexual and in the many ways they do or, as y’all know I say a lot, they’re not the duck they’re quacking like. The guilt isn’t easy to mitigate or to lock away and some guys know that the guilt – in the form of the social conditioning and refractory period – is going to hit them hard and they’re of a mind that they’ll worry about it later, you know, after some nuts get busted – and then they teach themselves not to worry about it.

The self-loathing is even harder because one has to admit that they like/love doing something they know they’re not supposed to be doing. I have actually heard guys say how much they hate the fact that they like having a guy sucking their dick, hate that they like sucking dick as well as hating screwing a guy and/or being screwed… but they do, in fact, like/love it and that’s pretty damned obvious; otherwise, they wouldn’t be doing it.

And the self-loathing – now being called internalized homophobia – can just fuck you up since there’s that part of your mind that continues to believe that while guys getting with guys is a very real thing, you’re not supposed to feel that way and now you hate that you do.

How do you get someone to stop hating on themselves? Yeah – you see the problem, don’t you?

I often talk about the social programming and conditioning and how successful bisexuals find ways to break the conditioning which is exactly what happens and now it’s a reality check that denial wants to avoid. Men are not suppose to have any sexual interest in other men… but you do have that interest even if you don’t do anything about it. The denial continues to insist that not only are you not supposed to get a raging erection over other men, um, that’s not what’s making you horny – you really need some pussy! Yeah! That’s the ticket! But, nah, that’s not what you really need and the reality of this need is pretty damned apparent.

You know it, you feel it, and as many do, you give in to the need and feelings and, yup, that’s the real ticket and now that you’ve broken the conditioning, you’re gonna feel like shit because you did – and that’s just how it works and will keep working unless you can find a way to suspend your beliefs or replace them with the truth.

Some men are sexually and even emotionally interested in both men and women and, shit, that’s actually a lot more normal than we’ve been made to believe. The guilt, denial, and self-loathing are emotional constructs and one reason why a lot of people suffer over this is that their intelligence and logic is often unequal to the task of shutting down this very emotional response and it creates a conflict that, sadly, many people cannot resolve.

Then, when you fold in the social angst against such behaviors, yeah, maybe now you can get a better feel why The Bad Three fucks with people as badly as it does. What will my friends think of me if they found out that I have a thing going on with me about sucking dicks or being fucked? Shit, my family will toss me out on my ass and even literally so! Even I used to think that, fuck, I’m going to hell when I die, ain’t I? Yeah, probably… but I also know that if this is true, I’m going to have a lot of company so, nah, I got better things to do other than worrying about this.

I had to tell myself that I do, in fact, have more important things to be concerned about other than having this ongoing battle with guilt, denial, and self-loathing… and some of the things I have to do are the same things that cause the guilt, denial, and self-loathing in the first place. I’m not supposed to get all randy and horny thinking about having sex with a guy… yet – and undeniably – I do. I’m not supposed to get with a guy and go about satisfying the urge to have sex with him… yet – and undeniably – I have and will do just that. And hating myself because of this just does not ever make any sense. Others can hate me for being this way but is that really my problem… or is it them who has the real problem in that they continue to believe something I know isn’t true? And if they do hate, despise, and even reject me for this, should I worry myself sick about it?

I could – and many people do – but the truth is that I don’t because, I’ll keep saying it: It doesn’t make sense. It’s counterproductive and very self-destructive behavior; I’ve seen how this fucks other people up and the question for myself is do I want to be one of those poor people? Hell, no, I don’t. Yes – my heart always goes out to them because I do know what they’re going through – been there, felt all of it… but “defeated” it… because not kicking The Bad Three to the curb just does not ever make sense.

Yep – I’ve broken the rules and I’m okay with that because I have to be; it’s vital to my continued existence to be okay with it and I’ve learned something I think is very important: Just because I can do it doesn’t mean I always have to but, yeah, if I want to, I will do it because, um, it feels good to have sex, to be intimate with someone at this level and as far as liking goes, all I have to do is like the other person – male or female – enough to want to have sex with them.

Ya almost have to rewrite shit in your head about being bisexual. I think one should have a better understanding of what sex really is and what it means to have sex and right along with gaining an understanding why the rules we all believe and try to live by exist in the first place and understand that because of social conditioning guilt, denial, and self-loathing are things we are taught to feel in this. You wanna have sex, dude? Go find a woman and convince her to have sex with you because that’s what you’re supposed to do and without exception…

Except, that’s not how it really works, is it? We do, in fact, know this and we keep denying that it really doesn’t work like this and it sure as hell ain’t ever supposed to happen to me… and then it does… and let the internalized cluster fuck commence.

I say that it is not that one will feel guilty, be in denial, or even hate themselves for how they’re feeling – it’s what they’re able to do about it and the truth is some people handle this much better than others. I think the real key and solution to this will come when we, as a society, accepts that this is how people can go about love and sex and, yeah, mostly sex. We know that we all have this drive to have sex and many of us go out of our way to deny the urge when we feel it and especially when that urge is pushing you toward someone who, anatomically, is “just like you.”

The question becomes one of why should anyone feel guilty and all that over something that’s normal for us to do – have sex? Why is same-sex stuff so forbidden and even repulsive? And, as I’ve put to you time and time again, ask yourself why you feel the way you do about this… but you folks are pretty smart – you know why you do because you’ve been conditioned to react negatively when it comes to this.

Yup… you’ve been mindfucked but don’t feel bad – everyone gets mindfucked and getting “unfucked” is going to make you feel guilty, put you into a denial mode of thinking, and even make you hate yourself because you’re feeling something you’ve been told not to feel.

Now you gotta get over it, you know, if you want and need to and that’s never an easy thing to do… but people do it because if nothing else, we are quite adaptable and we are quite capable of rewriting our minds to suspend our beliefs so that we can see the truth of this and, as such, relegate The Bad Three to some deep, dark, sealed room in our minds so they can rant and rave and threaten all they want to. You can’t not hear them… but you don’t have to pay them any mind because to do so will keep messing up your head and, forever and ever, it never makes sense to do this to yourself.

The Bad Three can be mitigated. I know how I did it and I am all too aware of the fact that how I did it ain’t gonna work for everyone – ya just gotta find a way to not let The Bad Three fuck with you and stop you from doing what you know you want and need to do. I keep saying that when it comes to bisexuality, people are more focused on what sex is happening but don’t pay a lot of attention to the internal stuff except to snipe at bisexuals for having some form of mental illness and to that end, they’re actually right about that given that the social conditioning set the stage for being “mentally ill” to begin with so, yeah – people who are trying to break the conditioning will have one hell of a time rearranging stuff in their head so that they aren’t so “mentally ill.”

I’m just saying it can be done. Myself and a great many others have done it and are no worse for wear for it. It’s not feeling badly about a well-known fact of life: We like having sex and we need to have sex. The truth is, um, we really can have sex with anyone, male or female, and more people than can be counted are all up in it and doing well as far as their mental health is concerned. They might be depressed or whatever over other things in their lives… but this is one thing that’s not fucking with them because they’ve found a way to not let it fuck with them and get in the way of their need to have sex and to otherwise be intimate with someone.

Just my two cents (or more) about this – and I know I could be wrong.

 

Today's Bisexual Thoughts: "Got to Get a Knutt"

Okay, first, the title of this scribble is actually the title of a song by a group called The New Birth that came out in 1972 or 1973 and the lyrics are… interesting but not really R-rated (and the misspelling is intentional). Musically – and as a drummer – that song gave me fits trying to emulate the group’s drummer on that song, something that took me years before I could play it exactly as it had been recorded.

As an aside, this is also the group that re-did “Wildflower;” I love the original song but when The New Birth remade it? Wow; it makes you forget that some other group did it.

With that out of the way, I’ve noticed that on the forum, um, there’s a lot of conversation about sperm and, yeah, it is often hilarious about what guys want to talk about and it tends to make me wonder why we – as bi guys – are of a mind to pay so much attention to it.

Of course, in anything we do, um, yeah – busting a nut is a great expectation although we don’t all agree on what to do with it when we know it’s gonna happen. Do you spit it out or swallow it? Do you prefer to have the dick in your mouth when he cums or do you like it if he shoots it into your open mouth? Like it in your butt? Prefer to have it sprayed all over you? Facial yes or no? A problem getting it all over your hands or no big deal?

Have I ever mentioned how funny guys are about this?

This… thing got started a week ago when a member asked how others felt about a guy busting a nut inside them and some of the comments were… interesting in that some guys were of a mind that, um, yeah – where else is he supposed to put it if he’s fucking me? – to some guys voicing their fears of catching every sexually transmitted disease known to man and some that haven’t been discovered yet.

Some guys can’t deal with the spunk – their own or anyone else’s. Some guys actually have a mental block about busting a nut with another guy and, yeah, I’ve heard of guys who aren’t happy to find themselves dealing with da jizz even though you’d think they’d have to know that it was gonna show up at some point.

Or, like I asked a guy who told me that he was both surprised and unhappy that the guy he was with came in his mouth, “What did you think was gonna happen? Did it occur to you that if you sucked his dick long enough and the “right” way, he was gonna cum?”

Apparently, it didn’t and that particular situation was one where I thought it was so funny that I couldn’t even laugh – well, not at that moment, anyway.

This is such an eventual kind of thing that some guys are actually of a mind that any thing they may have done before they started busting a nut didn’t mean anything and some guys, when sharing their early experiences, make it a point to let it be known that no sperm was involved or harmed.

Some of the threads – and I saw they were from a long time ago – was about preferring to swallow it or not and, as usual, some guys were all for swallowing, some were all for spitting it out or letting them cum anywhere other than their mouth, and the usual guys pulling the disease card as well as those who’ve yet to suck a dick chiming in with what they would and wouldn’t do with the sticky mess.

And sometimes I really do sit and read the stuff about this and rhetorically ask – again – “What do you think is gonna happen?” and “Isn’t one of the whole point in this is for sperm to get involved in some way?” I mean, uh, you want the other guy to cum and a whole lot of guys get kinda bent out of shape if he doesn’t… but can get bent out of shape when it arrives.

But guys are still very “either/or” about this and the word “prefer” is always involved and, well, I have issues with this word being used in this context. If I’m sucking a guy’s dick, duh, I’m trying to entice him to cum while I’m taking care of my oral fixation… so since I know that he’s eventually gonna do what I want him to do – and what he wants to do – sure, there’s the question of what to do with it and, really, being squeamish about it kinda doesn’t make any sense to me.

Swallow it. Spit it out. Stop sucking him and jerk him off to a messy finish and if it bothers you, try not to get any of it on your hand or anywhere else it might wind up. If you’re worried about becoming the most virulent disease vector ever, well, two things come to mind. First, cover it up – duh. The second is, um, why are you even bothering to have sex with the guy if you don’t want to deal with the end result?

Some guys love facials while some guys – like yours truly – ain’t a fan and, yes, busting a nut in my face just might get you hurt because to me – and I know it’s me – it’s like spitting in my face. I understand accidents, like the one time I had a guy’s cock in my hand, was about to close my mouth around him and he popped his cock and I got a face full of spunk. It happens… but to deliberately do it? Oh, my… let’s just say that my great displeasure will be known to you.

Some guys just like it anywhere other than where it’s “supposed” to go and I do understand that there’s some kind of “built-in” aversion to sperm but I can’t explain why there is and I’m not sure if anyone really knows and as evidenced by the many guys who try to eat their own spunk and they just can’t do it and, in that moment, throwing up at the mere thought of it sounds like a better thing to do.

The aversion is so… powerful that for some men, they’re happy to jerk off and make themselves bust a nut… but the clean up part is quite undesirable and just plain yucky.

I’ve seen guys write about how much they love sucking dick and/or being fucked… but that busting a nut thing? Ew. On the surface, having a lot of conversations about what to do with it kinda makes sense but it sure is funny and, sometimes, kinda sad – again, if you’re playing with a guy’s cock in some way, what do you think is gonna happen? And if you really don’t wanna deal with it, why are you doing whatever you’re doing in the first place?

I sit. I read. I laugh, shake my head, roll my eyes. Why is this such a big deal of a thing and what is it that makes some guys really and seriously squeamish about it? Many years ago, I was talking to a guy about sucking dick – the pros and cons of it – and he had said that he really wants to give a guy a blowjob… as long as the dude didn’t cum in his mouth, anywhere on him and not even near him. He actually said that he would prefer that when the guy was about to bust a nut, he went to the bathroom to finish it because he didn’t even want to see it.

I asked him why he felt this way… and he couldn’t tell me and I guessed that this was one of those things for which there are no words. My advice to him? Either employ a condom or don’t suck a dick at all. The fact is that, yup, he’s gonna get a nut; you know it – or you damned well should know it – and you just gotta try to get over any aversion you may be feeling.

I don’t know if he ever did but, eh, that’s on him. Again, maybe it’s just me but I know that doing something with a guy is going to cause sperm to flow and, um, that’s kinda the point of doing whatever in the first place. I know there’s an expectation that’s always been in play: Suck a guy’s dick, take his sperm in your mouth and if you swallow it, you get humongous props but if you spit it out, well, okay. If you’re being screwed – with or without a condom – you betcha: He’s gonna bust a nut even if it doesn’t go directly into you. And if you have a problem with that, er, ah, perhaps some rethinking on your part is in order?

Some guys are… fanatics and go as far as to say that being inseminated is being bred… and that just bothers the shit out of me and, yeah, I know, it’s because I can be so literal-minded about it. Men cannot breed other men – and we fucking know this but, sure, we can go through the act of breeding, you know, like knocking a woman up… but the connotation just bothers me despite my knowing what it means.

Just the thought of dealing with a man’s sperm freaks out some of the guys sitting on the bench – and that’s why they’re sitting on the bench. Did I mention how funny guys can be about this stuff? I did? Yeah… I’m repeating myself but this is just “funny” to me and fascinating that we – bi guys – spend a lot of time talking about sperm. We either love it or we don’t; scared to death of it or not. And, yeah, sometimes, we want him to give up the nut and wishing we didn’t have to deal with it after it’s been delivered.

I was talking to a guy some time ago about this very same thing and we both allowed and agreed that women have good reason to “act funny” about us busting a nut since getting pregnant might not be on their list of things to do. We agreed that a lot of women get traumatized sucking dick, like some guy telling her that he’s not gonna cum in her mouth and, sometime later, she’s got a mouthful of it and it’s making her feel lied to, betrayed, maybe even foolish to have believed that asshole in the first place.

We allowed and agreed that some women hate trying to suck a guy off because, for one, it can take a while and it just flat out uncomfortable and all that and, yup, she can be so… miffed about all this work that when he does get around to cumming, hmm, it just might wind up on the floor or anywhere other than her mouth.

But why are men funny about it? We talked, theorized, and debated it for a few hours and, yeah, even felt that maybe we’re not meant to deal with it in any way other than leaving it with a woman do deal with. Eventually, we gave up trying to figure it out and, um, sucked each other off and we both swallowed and it wasn’t scary at all.

Some guys are just fascinated by sperm or repulsed in some way. I can’t really explain either thing, to be honest – I just know what I see and, again, a lot of it is pretty funny to see other men obsessing over it in some way, like the question I saw about preferring/liking to watch a guy shoot his load. See, I kinda blame porn for this since, most of the time and regardless to porn genre (that involves men), you almost always see homey unloading and, yeah, okay – even I can see how interesting that is although, um, we can get hyped about something that we can also do…

But some guys can’t even watch themselves busting a nut when they masturbate… and I have no idea why. Okay – I understand that sense of feeling guilty after the fact and I even know why guys get that feeling… but how does this work when you’re on the receiving end?

I don’t know… but it sure as fuck is funny to watch guys talking about it.

It’s time for playoff football so I’m gonna leave you to think – or laugh – about this.

 

Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: The Older I Get…

…the more comfortable I get with being bisexual. I understand it, that it’s more a fact of life than many are willing to admit to. I’m still learning some stuff, seeing how others deal with this from what thrills them to no end to what makes them miserable about having dual interests.

I was thinking that I’ll be 65 this year and, wow, I’ve had such a good life and one that may not have been so exciting and fulfilling if I weren’t bisexual. It’s not just the sex I’ve experienced – amazing, sometimes not so much – but how I’ve been able to see the world around me after learning some truths that, again, a lot of people are happy not knowing.

Or being completely bamboozled to learn that everything they thought they knew about themselves is quite different, let alone that everything they thought they knew about sex is, at best, incomplete. I’ve been honored to watch a lot of people go through the discovery and especially when they’ve said it would never happen to them. I’ve been… concerned to watch so many people struggle with this as well as watching many just overthink it all.

Guys my age, well, we just seem to adjust better. Some of it is having a better understanding of things than our younger counterparts and being of a age where we just don’t give a duck what other people think when it comes to getting our rocks off or even finding more emotional succor, camaraderie, stuff like that. I’d guess that at this point in our lives, the whole sexual and sexuality thing isn’t as big of a deal as we once may have thought.

It’s sex and much more than that. We know the rules… and the rules suck and never in a good way. Oh, sure – there’s a purpose to them but they also suppress and inhibit and while some folks aren’t aware of this – but they’re okay being the way they are – many more people are just saying, “Fuck the rules – I’m gonna do what I need to do… and while I’m still able to and enjoy it!”

I see the social cluster fuck and the older I get, the less sense it makes. Humans are such contentious animals but it’s just the way we are when, seriously, we shouldn’t be so tribal and, perhaps, naive about how we can be about sex, in general and specifically.

Me? I’m more than okay with it all because not being okay doesn’t make any sense at all. It’s human nature at work and it’s the way it’s always been and for some, resistance is futile; they feel the pull, do their best to resist and ignore it – and many are successful – but they can’t. They see it as a failure or some kind of weakness; something is wrong with them because they’re feeling things that they’re not supposed be feeling. And they eventually find out how liberating and satisfying it is to no longer be bound by a set of rules designed to keep them from being who they want and need to be in this.

I guess I felt that way at some point but, if so, I don’t remember it. It just is what it is and what it’s always been and the older I get, the more I see people coming to the same understanding – and it’s fun to see the paths they take reaching this understanding – and they’re not as old as I am.

It’s not really that bad of a thing but we are human after all – we’ll find a way to make it bad and to say that this is a wrong and bad way to have sex and experience those deeper feelings that are only supposed to be felt when boy meets girl.

And the older I get, the more I see the fallacy in this thinking. Again, it works and works well… it’s just not the only thing that can work and work well. I laugh and think that bisexuality would be so much better if people weren’t involved since were prone to go out of our way to deny our feelings because those rules say we shouldn’t have them like that.

Yet, many do have them; many act on them, many don’t, and many more as sitting on the sidelines and awaiting their moment to learn a lot of the same things I’ve learned. Yes – it’s about the sex that’s possible but, again and forever, being bisexual is much, much more than that and the older I get, the more I appreciate it.

Getting older ain’t so bad after all…

 

Today's Bisexual Thoughts: Hearts, Not Parts

I remember the day I was reading an article on bisexuality and this was the focus of the article, the notion that bisexuality should be about the person more than them having tits, asses, cocks, coochies, what have you…

And I thought that this position being stressed was ludicrous and patently ridiculous. The article went on to say that to be bisexual, being in a same-sex relationship is key to true bisexuality – and I want you to keep in mind that this article isn’t the only one I’ve read that states this case so it’s not a one-off kind of thing.

What I know – but what I am sure those writing such dribble may not be aware of – is that before one dives into the parts, they do, in fact, think about the person they’re about to have sex with… but, perhaps, not in the way the “Hearts, Not Parts” gang is insisting upon.

I see a lot of bisexuals saying that, fuck, I must not be bi because I don’t want to be in a same-sex relationship and, wait – wouldn’t that make me gay? I see a lot of bisexuals who are saying they aren’t gonna get naked for anyone unless a relationship can be established first and foremost.

I’ve actually had people tell me that because I don’t look at men romantically, I’m not really bi… and some of the people who have said this to me are, themselves, bisexual.

Think about that one for a moment.

I have said and maintained for the longest time that when it comes to liking someone – that hearts thing – you only have to like them enough to want to have sex with them, you know, provided they’re gonna agree to it. Even in this, the common sense thing to do is to find out something about the other person other than what their name is but, okay, sure – being spontaneous doesn’t always allow for any in-depth investigation so you take what little information is at hand and make a judgement call one way or the other – okay, let’s go somewhere and do this or, no, thanks for offering and you go on about your business.

But it continues to amaze me how people who aren’t bisexual are trying to tell bisexuals how to be bisexual. Do you remember that I’ve written about my suspicions that bisexuality is being normalized? That many are going about being bisexual in almost the exact same way they’d pursue opposite sex stuff and, in particular, turning their noses up on casual sex?

That’s “hearts, not parts” at work. There is currently a revival of a very old post on the forum that asks whether one is more about the man… or just about the dick… and the responses are quite interesting in that there are more responses where being about the man first and the dick second overwhelmingly outnumbers the guys who say it’s all about the dick and the guy it’s attached to isn’t of issue all that much.

Some of the “man first” guys think that the “dick only” guys are crazy and are going about this the wrong way when, in fact, um, both ways are the right way. The push toward hearts, not parts, has gotten to the point where a lot of guys on the forum actually believe that if they have an NSA encounter with another guy, they’re going to be fatally infected with something as a matter of course and “fact.” Why?

Because there’s no relationship in place. Now, here in the US, it’s a little known fact that the only legal sex is relationship sex; everything else, even with consent factored in, is deem to be immoral – the sin of fornication. We are all raised to approach sex in a relationship-mode only and to never, ever have sex with someone we don’t have feelings for that are more than those of friendship.

That’s heteronormative stuff and stuff we live by – except for gay folks, of course but the homonormative view of things suspiciously looks just like the heteronormative view. Bisexuality “comes along” and just fucks both of those view up and after the initial shock of this “revelation,” now there’s a lot of “hearts, not parts” stuff flying around and insisting that, okay, you nasty-assed, confused critters: If you’re gonna do this, you gotta do it like this and if you don’t, then there’s no way you can be bisexual.

Y’all know what friends with benefits are, right? I know what it started out to be: A non-exclusive kind of relationship that provides all of the perks – sex – without imposing any of the responsibilities of a real relationship. I like you enough to want to have sex with you… but we don’t need to be boyfriend/girlfriend in that sense. We can hang out, do the nasty with each other, go on about our lives until we decide to hook up again to just hang out and screw each other silly if we want to.

But “hearts, not parts” has changed this with the inclusion of the one thing FWB sought to avoid: Exclusivity… and it is being implied even when the two people being FWB with each other are in a relationship already and if you think that this sounds weird to be non-monogamous but invoking a form of monogamy, join the club – I think it’s fascinatingly weird but, for some, it works because “hearts, not parts” is being satisfied while, at the same time – and specifically with men, I think, providing an illusion of safety when, um, that’s not really the case since chances are you have no idea where your FWB’s dick has been when he’s not with you.

The question, at least in my mind, is whether or not a more “hearts, not parts” approach to bisexuality is a real necessity or is it really a continuation of our dislike of casual, NSA sex? I see lots of guys clamoring to take the plunge but they’re not going to unless the other guy is into them – and into them for more than just the sex. I’ve seen guys set conditions for plunging to the point where it makes trying to screw a woman look easy by comparison and, trust me – it was never like that before.

I see guys approaching the M2M thing in the same way they’d go about getting with a woman and I was, at first, stunned to see this but then I got to thinking about it – why were guys behaving like this? Oh, that’s right – dealing with women is really the only thing we know about.

Now, I’m not saying that “hearts, not parts” is a bad thing – I just question whether or not it’s a mandatory requirement since the reality I understand says that it isn’t because, um, it never was before but, sure – I get it: That was then, this is now… except you can’t overlook the fact that a lot of men – and maybe even women – just want the sex; they want to get at the parts and if doing so turns out to be the shit for them, well, let’s get together more often. Men are funnier about being emotionally attached to other men while women, at least in theory, don’t have that problem so much.

Some guys are scared shitless to think that they might fall in love with another guy – wow, that’s just too fucking gay for their sensibilities to contend with, ain’t it? The implication is that “hearts, not parts” is all about love and romance and let’s face it: Some people just ain’t feeling that. They want the sex and, preferably, with someone they like enough to want to have sex with them and, hopefully, the other person feels the same way.

I really don’t know anyone who has had “a bad feeling” about someone who is propositioning them for sex and they’ve said, “Okay, I guess I should go to bed with them even though everything is telling me not to.” And if it has happened, well, I don’t know about it – and that doesn’t count having any regrets after the fact, by the way. To this end, some people just feel… wrong; they don’t say the right things in the right way and some other stuff that sets off all kinds of alarms inside one’s head so the proposition gets rejected. Even after some more in-depth conversation, yeah, there’s something about the shit in their head that you’re not feeling – and it could be anything from a favorite sports team to politics, religion, money – pick something, anything that draws a line between liking someone and liking them enough to even think about having sex with them if it were possible.

To me, this whole thing is pretty normal and spits in the face of the bullshit going around that says a bisexual will not only sleep with anyone, they don’t even think about it… and you’ve seen me write many times about how this isn’t true – we do think about it before we decide to get naked with someone.

We just don’t primarily and foremost think about it in a “hearts, not parts” kind of way. We want the sex – I mean, who doesn’t? – but we don’t always want the romance that’s always been implied whether one is straight, bi, or straight. They say that friends should never fuck their friends but, on the other hand, if you can’t fuck someone you know a great deal about and someone you’re really comfortable with, um, who can you have sex with?

It’s better the devil you know than the one you don’t… although, yeah, the one you don’t know could be just as much fun.

It really comes down to how someone wants to go about being bisexual which, duh, that’s sensible and reasonable. If they need some “being into” going on before getting naked, it just is what it is and if little or no “being into” is what floats the boat, this, too, just is what it is.

But I think it’s fucked up, limiting and even controlling to insist that unless you’re ready, willing, and able to be in a loving, romantic, same-sex situation, your bisexuality is invalidated – you just cannot be the duck you quack like. We are looking at this as if the loving relationship is the main goal and just like we’ve always looked at this when, in fact, a whole lot of us – and regardless to sexuality – just wanna get laid, nothing more, nothing less.

Would you believe that there are bi guys pitching a bitch because they’re finding themselves being sexually objectified… and they’re not liking this one bit? Some guys are saying that if you’re not gonna be about me, you’re not ever gonna get me in bed and that’s non-negotiable. Hook up with a guy and have sex with him while knowing I might not ever see him again? Unspeakable! Horror of horrors! I’m more than just a piece of ass and a means to a sticky end! If you can’t value me as the person I am, I don’t care how much we wanna do the nasty with each other – it ain’t gonna happen!

And does this sound familiar to you? It should. Here’s the “problem.”

We want to be cared about and respected if we’re gonna give up our bodies to someone so we can scratch that itch we have to have sex but, fuck, there are also people out there who aren’t of a mind to care about or respect the person you are because, like it or not, you really are a sexual object to them and all they wanna do it to get to know you just enough to have sex with you. Guys pitch a bitch about using the apps and getting propositioned by those dudes who won’t even bother to engage in general conversation – and, yes, I’m one of them and I say that if you don’t have time to talk to me, you don’t have time to have sex with me.

We ain’t gotta be all into each other but if you ain’t gonna tell me anything else about you other than what you wanna do to me, it’s not gonna happen, not because I require some “being into” but because I’m not stupid and my safety is a very prime consideration. And if you try to bullshit me, um, yeah, that’s not gonna work – did you forget that I’m just as much of a guy as you are and I’m not likely going to believe some of the shit you’re telling me – and because I am well-versed in what it takes to convince a woman that she’s not gonna make a mistake going to bed with me?

“Hearts, not parts” makes good sense for some people. I just don’t think or believe that not invoking “hearts, not parts” as a standard invalidates anyone’s bisexual and it sure as hell does not make any sex outside of this context empty or meaningless… but a lot of people believe this is the case – and again, regardless to sexuality – so since this is the way it should be, it should be this way across the sexuality spectrum, right?

No. Unless this is really what works best for you; otherwise, imposing your will on someone else who might not be feeling things like this – and at this very high level – well, that kinda sucks and not in a good way. What is being said is that if you’re bisexual or even think you are, unless you’re going to be romantically involved with someone, do not have sex with them and no matter how blue your balls are (if you’re a guy, of course) and it’s because, again, we hold true to the fact that you should never, ever, have sex with someone you don’t “care” about and they don’t “care” about you.

And to see this, just think about what it would take for someone to convince you to have sex with them. Go ahead – think about it and I’ll wait for you to get finished thinking. While you’re thinking about this, also think about what’s the least or minimal requirement you have for someone to get access to your goodies and if you do, in fact, have a minimum requirement, look at what it is and give some thought about how someone would, most likely, give you funny looks because you’re minimum requirements just might not have shit to do with being into you and all that lovey-dovey stuff that you probably don’t wanna deal with – you just wanna get laid and safely so.

This just might get you to see the fallacy in “hearts, not parts.” With anyone, the minimum thing for me is to be clean, healthy, of legal age to consent, and not be my idea of an asshole or a cunt. You should see what other guys require – makes getting into a woman’s panties look easier than it really is and this, my friends, is no joke. And because there are “experts” telling bisexuals that if we’re not gonna be into someone, get romantic with them and with the purpose of having a relationship, there is no way in hell that we’re really bisexual.

You have got to be fuckin’ kidding me… That line, from the Kurt Russell version of “The Thing” is rather apt and appropriate for this, don’t you think?

 

Today's Bisexual Thoughts: The Realization

Discovering that you have a same-sex attraction is a motherfucker to deal with. You like someone… but deep inside, you know that you really like them, that just being in their presence gets your juices flowing in ways that’s pleasant… and very disturbing since – yeah – that’s not ever supposed to happen.

Yet, it does. The first time it happens one can usually wave it off in some way but if it continues to happen – either with the same person or, holy shit, others who are the same sex as you are, well, shit: What the fuck is wrong with me?

I know that in some guys and when this happens to them, their mind damned near automatically starts to create erotic situations with the star of the show being another guy and if nothing else, whew, it makes for great stuff to masturbate to… but there’s still the “problem” of the subject matter -you’re a guy… and you’re masturbating to mental images of other guys, both known and unknown and, sometimes, hmm, gay porn is now something that has to be checked out.

The human mind is mysteriously amazing but in this, is usually in conflict; one part of the mind is saying that you’re not supposed to be having these feelings while another part of your mind is wondering why you’re not doing more about these feelings. I don’t know of too many guys who have been in this situation and wonder if they’re gay – or they’re fiercely telling themselves that they’re not gay, they love women and pussy… yet, their favorite things to jerk off to tends to feature hard dicks.

It may occur to someone that, shit… could I be bisexual? These days, that seems to be scarier than discovering that you’re gay and now the conflict worsens because, fuck me – that shit happens to other people and it’s not supposed to happen to me… even as visions of hard dicks are running rampant in your mind.

It’s a hard thing for some to accept; it can’t be like this… but the feelings and thoughts are undeniable. It gets worse because somewhere along the line, a part of you says, “Yeah… it is what you think it is!” and that part of your mind that is 100% against this is now going into overdrive and you find yourself worrying about someone else finding out that you have these often unwanted feelings… while those visions of dicks – and pussies, you know, just in case you think I’ve forgotten about women who feel the pull – continue to plague you.

And of those who I’ve talked to about this, they all pretty much say that they don’t know why they’re feeling this way; some say that they don’t want to and they want the feelings to go away and stay away… only to find that they’re not going anywhere.

Again, this is some really fucked up shit to be aware of… but that’s really not the very worst of it: That comes when it’s time to accept that these feelings for both males and females is very, very real… and you’re bisexual.

Wait… how can one be bisexual if they’ve never had sex like that? That’s easy to answer since bisexuality bites someone in the ass from the inside first and foremost; having the sex is a confirmation of what one’s mind and body has been telling them. The most difficult three words to say to one’s self are, “I am bisexual.”

Holy shit. Talk about the cluster fuck to end all cluster fucks!

I think and have reason to believe that this cluster fuck happens because we’re all told that such things can’t happen even though there aren’t too many people who don’t know that men have sex with men and women have sex with women – gay folks are not a figment of the imagination. Knowing that, because of the way you’re feeling in an overall sense, you’re not gay is, for some, a relief… but there’s still that very strong pull that draws you to men and women and, I dunno, I’d supposed that coming to the conclusion that you’re not really gay makes having feelings of bisexuality “impossible…” yet, this is how you’re feeling, huh?

And, again, the hardest part of this realization is accepting that, yep, damn – I’m bisexual. Then comes the other hard part: Doing something about it. I have never pretended to understand exactly how this works and why it works the way it does. Even before one “officially” accepts that they’re bisexual, there is this… compulsion to do something about it and a lot of folks actually know what it is they want to do… even when they’re not supposed to do it.

Now, a lot of people accept that they’re bisexual; eventually, one almost has no choice but to accept it given what’s going on in their mind and all that. Doing something about it? Here’s something you might not know about this: A lot of people won’t do a damned thing about it because they’re actually afraid that they’re going to like it. There is always the other fears, of course, but this is the one I find utterly fascinating. Folks in this situation, wow, I can’t imagine how they’re feeling because that compulsion to do the nasty like this is so very damned powerful so anyone who is able to hold it off is to be commended for having great willpower.

Still, dealing with the realization is never easy; it’s one thing to, say, know someone who goes both ways… and now you’ve got these thoughts and feelings about going both ways. Again, one part of yourself says this is some very fucked up shit… and there’s that part that’s telling you that, nope, this ain’t fucked up – this is just as normal and natural as anything else is even though you “know” that this is supposed to be unnatural and even abnormal.

Yup. Some people never feel the pull and, well, nothing unusual about this. However, some feel the pull when they’re young – and the notion of one being too young to have such thoughts is bullshit, by the way – and doing something about it either happens or it doesn’t but the feelings are there to stay. Some “escape” this early on, only to have it show up later and out of the clear blue sky – this makes the realization harder to deal with since they’ve spent their lives to this point being heterosexual.

Oh, and before I forget, this can happen to gay folks, too – they just believe that it can’t happen and ain’t supposed to happen and, um, yep, just like straight people believe that they couldn’t ever be bisexual or gay.

The realization that everything you’ve ever been told, taught, and believed is… incorrect is a very serious motherfucker to deal with and while some people handle it quite well, many people just don’t: All of this bisexual shit clashes heavily against what they think they know and that thing inside one’s head that insists that such a thing would never, ever happen to them.

Can you see how this realization can create great conflict? What should one do about it? The answer comes from the “easier said than done” department: Accept that this is the way you feel and the reason you’re feeling this way, believe it or not, is because you’re human. You don’t have to do anything about it if you can’t and some people do manage to suppress the compulsion enough that it’s not so distracting.

The realization, along with acceptance, is just a bitch and a half to have to deal with. I was talking about this last night with my protege and it’s something we talk a lot about – going from being very straight to being bisexual and having to adjust to such a major change. I told him that I grew up with it and he didn’t – and that’s a major consideration. Even though I knew I shouldn’t be doing it with boys, um, I was doing it – what I knew and the reality were two different things and, using kid logic – which is often more… pure and real that adult logic – well, okay; I like doing it to boys and girls so let’s keep doing it.

Very different from being an adult of some years past 21 and, again, harder for older people to get their heads around – except, it seems, those folks in the 50-70 age group; they don’t seem to have a lot of issues dealing with the realization and acceptance.

It just makes sense whether you realize and accept it now or later – it’s just a motherfucker getting to the part where you understand that it does make sense.

It’s not easy to do but many, many people have said that once they got past the realization of their bisexuality and accepted it, they felt better – and now they can turn their attention to doing something about it or not.

 

Today's Bisexual Thoughts: Do They Know What They're Missing?

I’ve been having a rather spirited conversation with a guy on the forum about, um, doing the nasty with guys and at one point, he opined that guys who aren’t interested in this aspect of sex don’t know what they’re missing and, to expand on that, yeah, sure – people who are not of a mind to have sex like this may not know what they’re missing… but some of them do know: They’re just not of a mind to cross the line because we’re not supposed to shit like that.

If nothing else, what they may be missing is an… expansion of their desire to have sex. See, when it comes to bisexuality, many people think that straddling the line is exchanging one form of sex for another… and that’s the wrong way to think about it.

You’re not substituting one form of sex for another – you’re adding to whatever sex you’re already having or, as my protege aptly put it, you’re adding something to your sexual menu. There’s always the stigma against such activities yet, despite the presence of the stigma, um, people are adding to their sexual diet just the same. Many resist this addition to their diet because they’re thinking about who – whether the additional menu item is male or female – but not thinking about what – having sex in an expanded kind of way.

I get a kick out of the many people I have heard say they love sex but ask them if they’d go the same-sex route and, oops, nope – they don’t love sex that much but, again, I think it’s because they’re thinking who and not what. One of the things I learned early on is that your body doesn’t care who is pleasuring it – but your mind does. A long time ago, I conducted an experiment with a group of people who were of a mind that who was doing something did make a difference. Made some blindfolds, set some conditions – go down on someone and no extra touching allowed – and while you’re being sucked or eaten, tell everyone how you’re feeling – then take off your blindfold.

Many of the participants were shocked but it proved the point I was trying to make: Your body doesn’t care – only your mind does because it’s been conditioned to think that way… until that conditioning gets broken by some means and for some reason. What made the experiment even interesting is that no one in attendance objected to the conditions of the experiment.

Think about that one for a moment or two.

I asked a question in yesterday’s scribble: What’s the difference between a man eating a woman’s coochie and a woman doing it? The only difference is who is doing it and, of course, the same goes with sucking cock. There are some subliminal differences, shit that you’re aware of but cannot put into words like, women just “feel” different from guys and there’s that whole thing that only women are supposed to suck dick and only guys can eat pussy.

And it’s a lie and a bald-faced one at that. A lot of people know it’s a lie… but social perception, wow, that’s a motherfucker and a half, ain’t it, will keep a lot of people right where they are even if somewhere deep inside their mind, hmm, ya know, it might not be that bad of an idea to find out what all the fussing is about. They don’t and, I think, it’s not because they’re worried about having sex like this so much as they are seriously worried about what others will think should it be discovered that “Dorothy” got her coochie eaten like never before – and it was “Sara” who sent her way beyond seventh heaven.

I’d not say that it’s not a genuine concern because it is – our society, on the whole, still reacts very badly to such things but the question I ask people who point to this as to why they’d never do anything like that is, “How would someone else know that you did this? There’s only two ways that could happen: Either you told someone else or the person you did it with told someone that you both knew – and the word spread faster than the speed of light.”

Otherwise, um, who would know other than yourself and the person you were having this kind of sex with?

Do they know what they’re missing? Again, a lot of people do know; they correctly understand that there must be something to it… because there are a lot of people throwing it down like that – and “a lot” is a gross understatement. The real question is do they wanna risk being shat upon and dismissed from there circle of associates by finding out if it’s true that women eat pussy better than men or that men suck cock better than women?

Many don’t and that’s understandable. People aren’t stupid; it doesn’t take being Wile E. Coyote to reason that, um, having your pussy eaten or your dick sucked feels really damned good and that the only thing that really makes a difference is the skill level of the person doing it. Some folks are of a mind that they’d not go this route because they don’t think they’d be good at it. A real concern… but we learn by doing, don’t we and many people get surprised to find out that, hmm, they’re much better at it than they originally thought.

Guys fucking each other. Scary stuff, right? I’ve asked guys who have had anal sex with women what they though the difference was doing the same thing to a guy… and they’ve all said, “It’s a guy!” when the real answer is, “There is no difference – you’re thinking about the person and not the act itself.” But sticking your dick in a guy’s ass is one thing… having a guy stick his dick in your ass? Whoa – hold up! Yeah, we all know it hurts and that “no one in their right mind would do that” given what that orifice is for… yet, we know that there are men who prefer, like, and love to be fucked and, yup, it doesn’t matter if the object in their backside is the real thing or a fake thing… attached by straps to a woman and some guys prefer a woman pegging them over a man dicking them down.

Why? Because they’re thinking who and not what so much. It is to note that a lot of the guys who like being pegged really do want to know what having the real thing inside them feels like… but they’re afraid to find out and the social angst and all the disease cards being thrown around keeps them from finding out. Do they know what they’re missing?

Yeah… they do, but. What’s the different between a woman pegging a guy and a man having his cock in there? A couple of things and the first is obviously “who…” that and a guy is gonna bust a nut in there (and, safely, in a condom).

Now, it is said that one cannot miss that which they’ve never had and, by and large, this is an accurate statement… except when it comes to sex because while there are many who have not had this kind of sex, there are many, many more who have thought about it – and even if they’ve rejected the notion. What would it be like? Would it be different? Good? The worst thing ever? What would my friends think? Shit, what would I think should such a thing happened and I find that I liked it?

Some folks know people who goes both ways and some are privy to the juicy details so, as least in this context, they do know what they’re missing and more so if, say, “Dorothy” tells “Laura” – and because “Laura has proven that she can be trusted – that “Sara” ate the living daylights out of her and, shit, she didn’t know it could be that good.

And “Laura” might think that, uh-uh – I’d never do that… but what if “Dorothy” has stumbled onto something? She liked it and I know she said she’d never allow that to happen, never thought about it, wouldn’t do it for any reason… but she did.

Hmm. Maybe “Laura” sticks to her guns and chooses not to find out what “Dorothy” has found out – but can it be said that she now knows what she might be missing? And, if she chooses not to, why did she? I’d say that she’s not thinking about getting her pussy eaten – she’s thinking about who’d do it and they’re not male – and thinking about the social angst she’d be subjected to if anyone ever found out.

The truth is that not everyone can break the social conditioning against having sex like this. Some people are aware that there’s something missing in their sexual life and maybe they do, in fact, know what’s missing – but they reject the notion because, forever and ever, people are not supposed to have sex like this…

And in the face of the very real fact that a lot of people are having sex like this and, again, “a lot” is a very gross understatement on my part. Do they know what they’re missing? Maybe. Are they afraid of it? Definitely. Some find out and they’re indifferent about it while others find out and it literally changes their lives because everything they’ve been taught about sex just got invalidated.

It can feel very damned good to have a guy suck your dick and it can feel very damned good to have a woman licking your coochie. We maintain and hold as true that only a woman knows what a woman wants; the reverse is true for men but, ah, we don’t talk about that in this context. And there’s a reason why this “truism” has been around for as long as it has been and even women who are “strictly dickly” have heard this – and they generally agree – but. There’s always that “but” that shows up and the same with guys although, eh, we’re not so much of a mind to admit that except to maybe say that “it makes sense…” but.

Many folks are of a mind that they aren’t missing anything where this is concerned but maybe even they’re wondering why there are so many people who are, um, not missing anything because they’ve added this to the sexual diet. Do I think they’re missing something? Yeah, I do – and it’s not just the sex they’re missing out on.

Okay… there’s nothing wrong with being just straight or gay – if it ain’t broke, don’t fuck with it, right? Some people are bi because it is broken and some are bi because they knew something was missing – then found out what it was and the matter of “who” was providing what was missing becomes a non-issue – it’s the what, the sex, the intimacy and, yup, it’s a “different” way to get one’s cookies crumbled.

There is a reason why people who do this for the first time often say, “I didn’t know it could be like this!” or “Now I know what I’ve been missing.” Not so much “who” – although, sure, that matters to some – but “what” – another way to have sex and in addition to the way they’re already having it.

Do they know what they’re missing? Probably – and some are happy missing it… but that is and has been changing exponentially…