A member of the bi guy forum asked a question along the lines of why do some bottoms refuse to top? It’s a good question and off the top of one’s head, it can be said that they don’t want to top or, simpler, it’s their preference. Some guys have been known to try topping and bottoming then decide which thing works better for them and if there’s no clear “winner,” well, let’s do both! For some guys, it’s a “submissive” thing – but not, I think, in the BDSM sense this might appear to be. Some guys get tired of always being the man in sex – the one initiating it, calling the shots and subject to performance pressures (you’d better be damned good every damned time or else!) and it just works for them that when they throw down with a guy, bleh, they don’t wanna be bothered with that and it’s just better that they’re the ones doing the pleasing, from giving head to getting creamed.
Now, it’s not that some bottoms won’t switch roles and top a guy – and I’d say it depends on the guy they’re with – but it also seems to me that once a guy decides that being a “total bottom” is what he wants and needs to do, changing his mind about it is just out of the question. Some guys might start out being a top… right up until it’s time to stick it in and, oops – no more boner! It’s also true that the moment some guys slip on a condom, bye-bye wood – see ya later! I’d guess at this point the logic says if you can’t keep it up to get it in, be the one who’s getting it put into you. By the way, I think I know why the first thing happens… I gots no clue why the second thing does, though.
It’s a preference, of course, and to fully understand what all of that entails, well, you’d have to ask a “dedicated” bottom; I’m thinking that if you asked ten bottoms about their preference, you’d get ten different answers – but answers that might also have some similarities. Some guys feel that being all bottom, all of the time just fits their personality better… but the OP had also asked if the refusal to top could be because it’s gross and/or risky. Well, um, sure one can easily say it’s gross given the primary purpose of that area, right? And since we know this, we’re also aware of the risks, most of which can be set aside by using condoms so maybe – just maybe – some bottoms are of a mind that if they only bottom, they avoid these things but, um, sticking a dick in there can still be seen as gross and even with the use of condoms, there’s always the risk of rectal tearing and even friction burns due to inadequate lubrication and really big, fat dicks.
A couple of guys replied that it just gives them the greatest pleasure to give the other guy pleasure and I thought, “Well, what if the thing that would give the other guy a lot of pleasure is you giving him the high hard one?” I’ll have to remember to return to the forum and ask this particular question. One guy did say that he has a special guy who he’ll top but only if he’s on the bottom (and being ridden) – but position has nothing to do with this; it’s all about who’s taking the dick and who’s giving it and if you’re on the bottom and the other guy is going for a ride, dude, you’re topping.
Some members said that they like being “the girl” in this arrangement or, like one guy said in a similar topic, “Fuck me like the bitch I am!” Indeed, a lot of bottoms are more in touch with their feminine side and bottoming, for them, also include wearing the appropriate lingerie and other forms of cross-dressing. Does this make them more gay than bi? Um, no; it’s just that when it comes to M2M, they’d rather be the girl and some guys find the cross-dressing fetish rather satisfying and as a guy told me years ago, “Nothing makes me feel more manly than wearing a nice pair of lacy panties!”
In the whole top/bottom dynamic, the one thing I’ve seen a lot of here lately are guys picking a role and sticking to it without exception, like, it never occurs to them that they could change their mind under the right situation and, perhaps, it’s more like this is what you’ve chosen so you gotta stay with it. I recall having this conversation with my protegé, who’s a top and insisted that he could never bottom. I asked him what I thought was a good question: Do you think that you could find that at some point, you’d actually want to be topped? He said no… and some time later, wound up recanting because he got with a guy and he did, indeed, wanted to be topped (and had big fun, too). I’ve heard that some guys – and for some reason – don’t believe they’d be good at topping a guy; certainly, this seems to be a confidence issue but I’m thinking there’s more to this because those same guys don’t seem to have any problem screwing women. One guy told me that he didn’t think he’d be good at it and I had asked him if he ever tried it… and he said that he hadn’t; of course, my next question was, “Uh, if you’ve never tried it, how do you know you wouldn’t be good at it?” So maybe being just a bottom “saves” them from being told by the other guy that he can’t fuck worth a damn? I really don’t know.
Ya might be asking why any of this matters… and it does when we – society – are trying to figure this whole bisexual thing out and more so when it’s not so much what we do as it is why we do it. Like, I know that there was a time that if you were, um, a really chubby kind of guy, you automatically got relegated to the bottom role; likewise – and this might sound crazy – if you were the guy with the smaller dick, you got to be the girl. If you appeared to lack masculinity in any way, yup, you’re on the bottom, dude – now, bend over and spread them cheeks! Today, this no longer seems to be the case or maybe even not so much because bottoms come in all shapes and sizes and, uh, some bottoms have bigger dicks than the guy topping them. End of the day, it’s all about what floats your boat but I do think that it’s good that guys like the OP asks questions like this even though there’s no definitive answer. Indeed, it’s why a lot of newbies ask about topping/bottoming, sucking cock, being sucked, swallowing, etc., because a guy can’t make a decision without having some information… but as in all things, there’s no greater teacher than experience. Some guys come out of the gate thinking and believing that being a bottom is what they’re meant to be… until they get that first dick in their booty or run into that guy who doesn’t give a fuck that it’s their first time and their backside gets a serious beat down that, at least in my opinion, no first-timer should ever be subjected to.
I’ll probably revisit this somewhere down the road but for now, this is my take on the topic…