…isn’t what we know about bisexuality – it’s what we don’t know about it. These days, we can’t even agree on what the word means. It makes sense that there is no clear-cut, definitive way to be bisexual since everyone who is has to figure that out for themselves and then be able to interact with others if they can, want to, or need to.
I woke up today thinking that younger and new bisexuals are being victimized, not by societal norms but from a lack of information or, really, a plethora of conflicting information. I see bisexuals talking about stuff and I find myself asking, “Why don’t they know this?” but, of course, it’s a rhetorical question since we’re “taught” how to be straight… but no one is ever taught to be bisexual and you sure as hell aren’t taught to be homosexual since those last two things have forever been taboo and forbidden.
Now, I learned by doing and, yep, gathering up as much information I could get my hands on, from digging deep into the history of sex and sexuality as I could to talking to others about it and even then, back when I started on this mission to figure out this bisexual thing, it was surprising what we didn’t know about it… but we knew about homosexuality and it “made sense” that if someone said they went both ways, well, that can’t be right because everyone knows that you’re either straight or gay and being gay is a bad way to be.
Fifty-five years after my first step onto the path of bisexuality and I am often bamboozled to see how, after all this time, there is much we still don’t know about bisexuality or, in many cases, how people are going out of their way to make it something that it really isn’t so much. I see guys – in particular – asking questions and makes me wonder why they don’t know the answer and even see how even they tend to think in that binary “black and white” way and as evidenced by not only the questions they ask but the way they ask them.
My mind goes, “Duh…” and I get “stuck on stupid” every time I hear or read stuff about Black bisexuals. We don’t exist because, as “everyone” knows, all Blacks are homophobic… and I remain incredulous to observe that not only do a lot of people continue to believe this, Black people still believe it. I read stuff that suggests that bisexuals – all bisexuals – should divorce themselves from LGBTQ+ and due to a serious lack of real representation and start our own national (or even global) organization by, of, and for bisexuals.
I even read something that wondered why Black bisexuals don’t have their own flag/organization and, yeah, while that probably sounds like a good idea, what it really does is add one more line to the many lines we’ve drawn between us as humans; while it makes sense for all bisexuals to “band together,” all we’re really doing is making sure that never happens.
Because of what we don’t know about this. That we get this… idea in our head about what it’s supposed to be and that it should apply to everyone who is bisexual… and not seeing that trying to cover things with a big blanket just does not work since, again, every bisexual is different in how they think and go about being bisexual and no matter their race, color, or creed.
Because those things don’t really matter; they shouldn’t matter. But because of what we don’t know, yeah, we think it matters and that it should. Among the first things I learned about sex is that it’s really colorblind; you can have sex with anyone who agrees to have sex with you and I know this because I had the nerve to have sex with anyone who wanted to – male, female, white, Black, whatever. But as I continued to learn more and more about this bisexual thing (and sex, too), the one constant I saw wasn’t what people knew about it – it’s what they didn’t know. The stereotypes. The myths. The assumption that anyone who went both ways had to be really homosexual and in great denial of that.
Even today, you say “bisexual” to someone and most people will automatically think “homosexual” and to the point where a lot of people – and that includes a lot of bisexuals – believe that we’re enjoying some kind of straight privilege and think that we can be erased and simply by someone not believeing that there’s such a thing as a bisexual human being.
Are you fucking kidding me? Like I said when, a long time ago now and when I saw it said that there was no such animal as a Black, male bisexual, do you mean to tell me that it’s even possible that I’m the only Black, male bisexual on the planet? Really? And people really believe this?
Apparently they do. As I’ve written before, way back in the day, bisexuals, aka switch-hitters, were a joke, a way to yank somebody’s chain because even then, few people wanted to believe that there were men and women who’d engage sexually and/or romantically with both men and women. And Black folks? Oh, we really didn’t believe it since, again, we’re all homophobic! Yet, even then, Black homosexuals could easily be seen and even if you couldn’t look at any Black person and tell that they were gay, that didn’t mean there weren’t any gay Black folks and I do mean both men and women.
It wasn’t what we knew… it’s what we didn’t know or, perhaps a bit more accurately, what we didn’t want to admit to being the truth and the real truth. And the more I learned, the more I kept asking myself:
Why don’t people know this? And I learned that it’s not really that people don’t know this: They don’t want to know it. It’s easier for them to say it’s not real and to reject every aspect of it. Simpler to just go along with dogma – and religious dogma at that – than to accept the reality that not only can Blacks be bisexual – anyone can be bisexual.
I sit and watch guys asking which is better and offering binary choices when bisexuality does, in fact, expand choices beyond the limited binary ones. Is dick better than pussy? Men better to have sex with than women? And I keep wondering why questions like this keep being asked but, again, the answer is, to me, obvious:
It’s not what we know – it’s what we don’t know and, to make shit worse, the information isn’t being passed along and we don’t seem to have learned that being bisexual is both objective and subjective – think perception versus the truth – and perhaps you can see why bisexuality suffers the way it does when people – and even bisexuals – are trying to make sense of it. What we don’t know leaves us to our own devices and that’s not always a good thing.
We can’t even agree on the best way to have the sex and we’ve made this so complicated that it isn’t funny. Casual sex? Oh, hell, no! Relationship sex? Well, that’s better… isn’t it? Nitpicking choices in who to have sex with, qualifications, situations, and conditions that probably work very well inside one’s own head but have no real… substance in the real world. Little or no attention paid to what can be done while focusing on what we’d prefer to do… and even for those who have zero actual experience in any of it.
But they’ve heard what others have had to say; they’ve heard the horror stories and like a bad train wreck, that gets more attention than anything else. Believing the hype that a bigger dick is way better than a smaller one and then making themselves feel some kind of way if they don’t have a dick that’s long enough to trip them up when they walk or whatever.
What we think it’s like… and some not being all that willing to find out what it’s like and in every way it can be done. Not what we know and a lot of what we know is supposition and hearsay…
It’s what we don’t know. It’s what we don’t want to know. What we believe that trumps the reality of what it is and what it can be. Sex and more than just sex. That nothing really matters more than one’s willingness to dive in and explore the vast possibilities and within one’s ability to do so. What’s it like to have a guy fuck you? The answer is easy to find out: Get a guy to fuck you and then decide for yourself whether you like it or not.
Who sucks cock better, men or women? If you really wanna know, get a woman – and a lot of women if you can – to give you their best blow job… then find some guys to blow you and then decide for yourself and with this one and very certain thought fixed in your mind:
There’s no real difference except who’s sucking your dick and whatever skill and desire they’re bringing to the table. Same with eating pussy. You can hear all of the horror stories and failures experienced by others but you will never, ever know what it’s like for you until you experience it and then more than once and with the intent on finding the pleasure in it… because there is pleasure in it; otherwise, there wouldn’t be so many men and women who eat pussy like it’s the best meal they’ve ever had.
If you’re straight, maybe this is something that “doesn’t make sense” to you and more so since, uh, it’s not something you’d do. But you’ve heard about it… and I know what you’ve heard probably isn’t the whole truth and that anything someone says is bad about it is the thing that sticks out in your mind the most. But it still isn’t about what you think you know – it’s what you don’t know.
It’s what you don’t want to know and, really, you’re not supposed to know. It’s why for generation after generation, the same questions about bisexuality keep coming up and going pretty much unanswered and why people only get the answers when they actually do it… and even then they don’t usually see the big picture things which are also the same things that our lack of understanding lends itself to what we don’t know and, for many these days, leaves us to our own devices about how to go about being bisexual…
Like being bisexual in very similar ways to being heterosexual. Why? Well, we know how to be heterosexual and, believe it or not, homosexuals behave in similar ways. Dating. Being into each other. Little or no sex just because you can have sex. Being committed. Be in a relationship and you’re some kind of slut, dog, or whatever if you’re out there getting your freak on outside of these parameters and, oh, yeah, let’s not forget that no matter what you do do protect yourself, you’re “guaranteed” to become infected with something if you don’t do things in the way everyone knows it’s supposed to be done.
That’s what we know… and the reason why we don’t know, too. Like, we all know what sex is supposed to be and what it’s supposed to mean… and it’s supposed to mean anything other than, hmm, that shit feels pretty damned good to be doing. Is sex with a stranger bad and dangerous and, as such, it’s better to know the person you want to crawl into bed with? We believe it is but, um, weren’t the people you know strangers to you when you first met them?
Yeah, okay, we learn by doing; experience has always been the best teacher and you will, without a doubt, learn the good and the not so good about it but that’s with anything life throws at us. Yet, a lot of bisexuals make these decisions – and finalize them while locking them in concrete – and before they have an experience that’s good, bad, or indifferent. Hmm, is it better to be fucked missionary or some other position? I could easily tell you what I’ve experienced in this and both the good and bad of it and now it’s a question of whether or not you believe me or not but like any of this, if you really wanna know, um, there is one way to find out, huh?
Bisexuals rant and rave about things binary and how fucked up this apparently is and, as I wrote days ago, without giving a single thought to the fact that this is how we’re taught to think, to narrow down a multitude of information in to a more simpler form in order to be able to make a decision about anything. Yes or no. Good or bad. And, shit, it’s still not about what we know; it’s still about what we don’t know. Incomplete and inaccurate information; our habit of giving the horror stories more weight and credence.
We think we know that casual sex is empty and meaningless; what we don’t know is that it really isn’t so empty or meaningless but it’s what we were taught and Americans – and probably more than any other nationality – have always been weird about sex and to the point where it’s considered bad form to even talk about sex… and so bad that you can’t even talk to the person you’re having sex with about sex.
People wonder why bisexuality is so difficult to get a grip on and to understand… and it’s because of what we don’t know. It’s what we aren’t taught; it is about what we are taught and that is the one and only way to engage with other people sexually, emotionally, or both. What we do know, strangely enough, is that there has always been more than one way to go about these things… and what we don’t know is what is the best way for someone, as an individual, to go about exploring those feelings that we were taught not to have and that having them are impossible.
When you leave us to our own devices, the lack of information digs a deeper hole and more so for anyone who is sitting down and thinking, “Can I do this?” or “Why do I feel the way I do?” and that information divide does make people ask questions that have been asked time and time again and because of what we don’t know and what is never taught.
And sometimes because we don’t want to know. What does it mean to be bisexual? I can sit here for days on end and tell you what it means to me, what I’ve experienced, what I’ve learned along the way and, yeah, I’ve learned a lot of about it because there was a time when I wanted to know the answers to a lot of the same questions bisexuals are asking today. Good information? I think it is but you still have to decide for yourself if it’s good information or good enough for you. Do you really wanna know the answers?
There happens to be a sure way to find them but what will prevent you from finding them isn’t what you know: It’s what you don’t know and what, by and large, no one is going to “teach” you and even if someone did, you still have to believe it and try to get the answers for yourself since it’s a given that your experiences are going to differ from everyone else’s experiences and they’re gonna differ because they’re supposed to differ…
Because even as bisexuals, we are the same… but very different and there is still that matter of what we think we know about being bisexual… and what we don’t know. Or maybe we do and we don’t want to know because it says something about us that isn’t supposed to be true:
We – humans – love sex. We love the intimacy. The sheer physicality of it. It ain’t just for making babies and you sure as hell don’t have to be in some kind of committed relationship to do it and enjoy the hell out of it. What’s the best kind of threesome to have?
Any threesome you can have. Duh. Who has sex the best, men or women? We all do it the best – and to the best of our ability to do so. Is there any real difference? No – again, we just think it is and we think it is because we don’t know that there’s no real difference. We’re not supposed to know. Any many do not ever want to know.
All these questions and questions I’ve heard before being bisexual became a “thing.” Why don’t people know the answer to these questions? Because we’re not supposed to know them. And because of what we don’t know, it makes us very afraid to find out the answers. I had to go looking for the answers and I found them and I found out what we don’t know about this and even why we don’t know about this.
And, you betcha – I’m still the very bisexual guy who has the utter gall and audacity to share with you what I’ve learned and not sugar-coat it or bullshit you about any of it. And I’m still learning since one of the things I learned about being bisexual is that once you think you “know it all,” that’s about the time you find out that there’s something you didn’t know.
And I don’t know about any of you but I’m not a fan of not knowing things and especially things that have a direct impact on my life like, oh, the many ways I enjoy having sex… and with anyone who is of a mind to have sex with me. Male. Female. Both if y’all “freaky” like that. Everything is negotiable and, yeah, I’ll try anything at least twice and just for the fun of it. And if I don’t like it, well, I found out for myself that I don’t but, then again, I’ve never been afraid to find the answers to all of the questions.
Just a matter of whether anyone else believes or not. And they don’t have to if they don’t want to but it remains true that it’s not what we know about bisexuality that’s the problem:
It’s what we don’t know. It’s what we don’t want to know.