Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: Is It Complicated (Revisited)?

The only reason why sexuality is complicated is because we – humans – made it complicated by insisting that love, sex, and relationships should and can only happen between people of the opposite sex. Homosexuality confuses people, not because it’s that hard to figure out but because it goes against what we established eons ago… and bisexuality, as it turns out, has taken everything we known and believe about this and thrown it right out the window.

The rules sought to direct our… urges in one singular direction and included dire warnings and even more dire punishments for anyone who dared to do things that didn’t fall in line with the boy/girl only edict. I had asked myself why the edict was put in place and I found out a couple of things that had a lot to do with procreation but it dawned on me that the only reason to put a “law” into place about something is to curtain something that’s been going on; so it just wasn’t all about the baby-making thing but to also get some measure of control over human nature itself – that drive, urge, and need to have sex and “recreationally” so.

I know that I got all of the rules and prohibitions hammered into my head and just like everyone before me did and, of course, everyone after me has. What all of that didn’t – and, maybe – couldn’t take into consideration or do a whole lot about is how a guy might feel when he sees another guy and gets this great urge to have sex with him or finds him emotionally pleasing – and the same applies for women, too. I think those early lawmakers were seeing a lot of both males bonding with other males – and having sex as a result of that bond – and women were bonding in similar ways and decided that this shit had to stop.

Except, it didn’t. A guy looks at another guy and, what the fuck? Why am I feeling the way I am about this dude and more so when I’m only supposed to have these thoughts and feelings for women? Instant confusion and immediately complicated and all because those early lawmakers that making any violation of the edict and making it punishable by a horrible, painful death, would be enough to change the way people might feel and think because of their feelings.

Enter the power of belief and it’s ability to just fuck shit up. If there is one thing you can trust about yourself, it’s how you feel… because it’s the way you feel even if you don’t understand it at first… then things get complicated because if there’s something you most definitely know, it’s that you are not ever supposed to have any kind of feelings for someone who is the same sex as you are other than those borne out of friendship and you sure as hell are not to ever want to have sex with them… or else.

Bisexuality gets confusing and complicated because society norms based upon religious mandate and edict actually set us up to be confused and to make this complicated. It becomes more of an internal clusterfuck because, yep, you know what the rules are but how you’re feeling – and the resulting thoughts on those feelings – just contradicts what you’ve been told and taught. Which thing is the right thing? I’ll give you a hint:

It’s not what we’ve been taught and told to believe about this. And the proof of it is that you feel the way you do despite knowing you’re not supposed to.

Homosexuals were the “original nonconformists” and to say that they caught a lot of hell behind being homosexual because their behavior proved that what they said about how things are supposed to be were… about as wrong as it gets. It took us centuries and some political action to finally get to the point where we had to admit and accept that the only difference between heterosexuals and homosexuals is who we chose to get into love, sex, and relationship with, that and we figured out how people who can’t have children can have children… and without any sex being involved.

As I’ve said before, I grew up listening to people (1) bash the shit out of homosexuals and (2) say that someone had to be totally out of their minds to want to have sex with both men and women! Preposterous! Totally out of the question and makes no sense whatsoever! Except, the reality said something very different and more so when, even back when I came into existence, we knew that people could be homosexual despite it being said that no one could be. The ancient edict, in actually, changed nothing about that aspect of human behavior but because we were paying so much attention to homosexuality, bisexuality got overlooked and when it was noticed, well, hmmph – all that means is that person is really homosexual… and because it was really the only thing that made sense.

Yeah, not really. The thing that keeps baking my noodle is that we know good and damned well that humans can be bisexual… but we make it so horribly complicated because of what we believe… and that belief just sets someone up for some… interesting moments with themselves when they become aware that they’re feeling something for someone who is of the same sex as they are and their feelings for the opposite sex are still very much in place. If that wasn’t confusing enough all by itself, we now have a great many people trying to explain this… aberration because, holy shit, people aren’t just straight or gay!

It gets complicated because we’re not taught how to deal with these feelings… but we are told to never have them in the same-sex mode… but there they are just the same and denying that we have them just adds to the complication because, again, if you don’t know anything else, you do know how you feel. Adding more fuel to the fire is the fact that since society lost the eons-long war against homosexuality, society has turned its attention to attacking bisexuality and, stupidly, in pretty much the same way it tried to get rid of homosexuality. It’s impossible for someone to feel something for both males and females and even more so if those feelings get them having sex with each other! It’s not real; it’s really them being homosexuals and in abject denial of being homosexual.

And we listen to this shit and it confuses the shit out of some folks because, somehow, they can’t get their head around the fact that what they’re feeling – and no matter why they’re feeling it – is the right thing and more than the overall society mindset says… and based upon something that was never true to begin with but singled out to be the most idealistic way to be: Heterosexual only.

Except, um, it wasn’t true way back then… and it’s not true here in 2021. The initial confusion comes when, say, you’re a girl and you know a girl who, for some “unknown” reason, makes you feel some kind of way and in a similar way that you’re only supposed to feel about boys… and you still feel that way about boys but that girl over there? Whew – making those panties sopping wet and making one’s heart go pitter-patter! Not supposed to be that way… but those feelings and reactions are very damned real… and it’s so confusing and makes everything so complicated.

Someone asked me, “Don’t you find all of this complicated?”

I said, “No, I don’t.”

“Why not?” they asked.

“Because I don’t believe that shit about love, sex, and relationships only being between people of the opposite sex,” I said.

“Why don’t you believe it?” they persisted.

“Because I don’t and I’m living proof that the way things are supposed to be isn’t the only way things can be,” I said.

“That’s crazy,” they said and their confusion was, to me, so easy to see because the reality didn’t match up with what we’re told about any of this.

Um, no… it really isn’t all that crazy.

We just have a seriously major problem accepting the reality. Bisexuality is only complicated because we’ve made it complicated; it takes that, “You’re either straight or gay” bullshit and just trashes the shit out of it; it totally and completely invalidates everything we believe to be true and then, to make things even more interesting, we are still in the process of trying to qualify and quantify this supposedly impossible and unrealistic state of human behavior and, insanely and conversely, pitching all kinds of royal bitches against something that’s said to be unreal… and begging the question of, “If bisexuality isn’t real, what are you fussing about?”

Um, because it is real? That we still can’t accept the true nature of what we are and how we can be… and that the boy/girl rule was designed to suppress this thing about ourselves? And, oh, yeah, let’s not forget that rule has consistently failed to stop or prevent anyone from being bisexual anymore than it stopped anyone from being homosexual. It also seems to be in our nature to make mountains out of molehills, too, and that just complicates things in this even more. We have, currently, deemed that you can only be bisexual if you’re willing and able to be in a same-sex relationship; it has been deemed a requirement to qualify as a bisexual if you’re more about the person than you are about those, um, things that lend itself to having sex first and foremost.

Then, you can only be validated as a true bisexual if you tell everyone you know that you’re bisexual and if doing so happens to fuck up your whole life, well, it’s better to tell the truth than to keep living a lie and making everyone you know feel so very uncomfortable and ashamed of you – how dare you be so selfish and inconsiderate of others!

Granted, if there’s something that does complicate bisexuality, it’s trying to find someone you can be bisexual with… but finding someone for the purpose of love, sex, and relationships has never been easy, has it? Even more complicated is that you can’t really get all bisexuals to agree on what it is and how it should work and even then it’s based upon heteronormative stuff; be attracted, relationship-mode only – and that includes having sex – and a bunch of other things that just makes being bisexual continually complicated for a lot of people. If I had a dollar for every time I’ve heard someone say, “I didn’t ask for these feelings!” I’d be Bill Gates rich.

The confusing and complicated truth of things is that very few of us actually ask to have these feelings… because they just show the hell up all by themselves and when you never expect them to. The confusion and complicated nature of this is very real when you’ve spent a large part of your life being heterosexual and in every way that is… and then find yourself… divided. Not gay, but not really straight either. You know how you feel but what’s going on in your head is raising all kinds of hell with you because you’re not supposed to have any same-sex feelings and you sure as fuck aren’t supposed to have feelings for both men and women.

Yet, that’s how you feel and, again, it doesn’t really matter why you’re feeling this way. The people who don’t get or stay confused or feel this is so horribly complicated are those people who believe and trust their feelings more than they do the way things are supposed to be because they know that the way things are supposed to be just is not the way things can be, you know, if that’s the way you’re thinking and feeling.

It continues to be complicated for some who accept that, yep, bisexual. Me. It becomes that way because one of the first things someone thinks is, “What is someone else going to say and think about me?” Gets even worse when you’ve probably been around or have been exposed to the great and persistent angst against anyone who isn’t heterosexual and, yeah, some of those people displaying such great angst happens to be people you know and are close to you.

I was asked, “How do you deal with knowing that people who know you aren’t going to be comfortable with you being bisexual?”

My answer was, “I don’t deal with it; they’re either going to be okay with it or they aren’t – and I know why they aren’t and I know the reason why they aren’t and would be is bullshit religious dogma; I know that nothing I can say to them about this is ever going to change that which they believe… so I don’t let that bother me and I know that no matter what they say, it is never going to change the fact that I am bisexual. Besides, I’ve got bigger and better things to deal with.”

I’m not the only one who sees it this way… the bad part is that a lot of people can’t and, as such, bisexuality is so fucking complicated. I sit and read what others write about how feelings of bisexuality has complicated their lives and I just shake my head because I know that it’s not bisexuality that’s making shit complicated for them: They’re doing it to themselves and letting others insert a lot of drama into the whole matter and all because they keep believing something that just isn’t as true and as accurate as they believe.

And they don’t want to believe it because, again, bisexuality invalidates everything they believe or otherwise thought they knew. Everything. For myself – and, again, I’m not the only one – bisexuality isn’t confusing or complicated even though I can and will admit that being able to do something about it brings its own unique issues to the table… but even in this – and I’ll say it again – isn’t all that different from what everyone else goes through in order to get their slice of love, sex, and/or relationships so that’s just an occupational hazard and just as much a part of the whole love, sex, and relationships deal as anything else is and sexuality has no real relevance in the inherent difficulty involved since, um, you know, straight and gay folks go through the same complications, too.

I will often say, and rhetorically so, that I don’t know why we have to make this as complicated as we do… but I know why and it’s all because we continue to believe in something that has been proven to not be the whole truth of what it means to be human. Cityman – bless his heart – likes to bring up the famous – or infamous – bonobo monkeys who were observed and studied and found to be very damned bisexual and a lot of people accept these findings because they are, in fact, true and not just among primates – and that includes us, by the way. What puts a crimp in things is that the difference between bisexual animals and us is that… we have that higher brain function thing going on and the damned rules and edicts have always sought to suppress our animal behavior, that and we don’t see ourselves as being animals in the first place when, um, yeah, we are:

We’re just a more… intelligent kind of animal but in many ways, eh, not so much since we keep right on believing something that isn’t all that true. This great contradiction of the facts causes the confusion and complications so many bisexuals are talking about and very few have gotten to the point of seeing and understanding that the way to not let this confuse you or cause any undue complications is…

To stop believing what we’ve been told about only being straight and laughing our asses over the silly notion that people can only be straight or gay… because it’s a lie that was invented by those who cannot handle the truth and reality of what we can be. It’s only complicated because we make it complicated; the simplest explanation just does not seem to work for us. Why do I have a thing for both men and women? Um, because I do and any explanation beyond that is guaranteed to either bore you silly, maybe insult your sensibilities, or it’s something that you’re just not gonna be able to believe… because you’re not supposed to believe it.

I know what the rules are… and I know how I feel and why I do. Which thing do you think I’m going to believe the most?

Yeah, not complicated at all.

 

Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: Yet Another Twitter Moment

Twitter was kinda blowing up – again – with a lot of pro-bisexuality folks chiming in on some stuff that, after reading it, had me asking myself, “Where are they getting this stuff from?” One of the more populated tweets was about bisexual mental health and some provided sources one can check out for this and that’s all well and good… but it all made me wonder why so many people take for granted that being bisexual is mentally unhealthy to begin with.

I understand how discovering that you’re bisexual can fuck with your head because it’s one hell of a shock to one’s system and if one can’t deal with that, yeah, it’s not all that pretty, to be kinda nice about it. I read about how so many bisexuals are talking about how jacked up their mental state has become since being aware that they’re bisexual and the scientist in me asks why this happens in the first place? What’s the root cause at work here? There’s something else going on other than one having some mental turmoil over realizing that they’re not all that straight.

It actually didn’t take me long to get to the root cause and to have the thought that, okay, it’s unsettling for some to find that they’re bisexual but what I saw that tends to fuck up a lot of people’s mental health isn’t the fact that they’re bisexual:

It’s what everyone else thinks and says about it. It’s that ongoing angst we’ve always had about anyone who isn’t straight and our habit of doing and saying the nastiest things about and to anyone who isn’t straight. A lot of bisexuals are very concerned about what someone else is going to say about them being bisexual and once this concern takes root in one’s mind, unless they can learn not to be concerned about what someone else thinks – and their thoughts are in the negative – it’s going to fuck with their head. It’s a motherfucker and then some because we’d prefer for others to accept us as we are but when part of what we are is bisexual, we go right to assuming that it is a problem because we know that other people see it as a problem. And we have a very bad habit of “killing” problems rather than trying to resolve or understand them.

It’s easier to bad-mouth a bisexual and bisexuality than it is to accept that this is how that person thinks and feels and, yeah, even does some stuff about… and all over a standard of belief that – and I can never say it enough – not as correct as we’re supposed to believe it is. And, in the “easier said than done” department, it’s not all that easy for some to ignore the dogmatic rhetoric so that it doesn’t fuck with them. Yeah, even I had to get to a point in my life as a male bisexual and ask myself why I was getting so bent out of shape over what someone else had to say about my being bisexual. Part of the answer is that we do care or otherwise give a fuck about how others see us and what, if anything, they have to say or think about us and we always want those things to be on the good side of things and it usually is… until they find out that we’re bisexual – and here comes the drama and, as I came to learn, drama from people who really, truly, and actually have no idea what they’re talking about and more so when all of their objections and other negative shit stems from whatever religious beliefs they have.

That and, I hate to say it (nah, not really), they’re pretty stupid to be pitching a royal bitch about something that religion says shouldn’t happen… but it’s been happening just the same. Now it becomes a question of whether or not you’re going to let someone else’s ignorance fuck with you to the point where now you’re spending time seeing therapists and taking anti-depression medications, not because being bisexual “automatically” makes one depressed… but knowing that people are going to react badly to finding this out about you most certainly will.

And makes me ask, rhetorically and sometimes literally, “Why are you even listening to this crap?” The current pile of very smelly bullshit says that if you’re bisexual, you will greatly suffer from depression and statistics are being spun to say that bisexuals “lead the league” in mental illnesses and seeing this shit had me asking – rhetorically and literally – how is something that any human can experience be a bisexuality-only thing? Then you add in the power of belief to all of this: If you believe that being bisexual is a primary cause of being depressed, you’ve drank the Kool-Aid being served up by those who are anti-bisexual and, yep, that’s what you’re going to believe…

Making me ask who are you really going to believe: Yourself… or any of those idiots who insist that you cannot be what you know yourself to be? If you give the dumb shit any weight at all, it will fuck with your head and in some very un-nice ways. Add on the proven fact that humans don’t handle rejection very well and, yep, that’s some depressing shit and it will depress you but only if you allow it to. And, yes, I know that not everyone is or can be that mentally tough but, again, at some point, I’d think that a bisexual who is suffering from depression almost has to ask themselves why they’re feeling the way they are and if they do, chances are good that they’re feeling this way because whatever they’re thinking about what others will have to say about it is, in fact, the source of their depression.

Since this shit has been dumped around, I’ve had folks ask me if being bisexual depresses me and I don’t think they believe me when I say that it doesn’t. I had a stroke and its aftereffects are, all by themselves, pretty damned depressing; the state of things these days are, all by themselves, depressing as all get out… but being bisexual? Not even because I learned that the only way being bisexual can make me depressed is if I have reason not to believe in myself… because I sure as fuck ain’t gonna believe any of the shit people are saying these days. I am aware of it, of course, and I see what it’s doing to people and it is fucking with people because they’re not only listening to it but giving it weight it doesn’t deserve.

It’s pretty normal to think, “Shit, I’m bisexual… and I know some people who are gonna give me a lot of shit about it!” and then get your panties in a bunch thinking about all the drama you can face and on top of what the anti-bisexual faction has been putting out there and taking facts and spinning them to fit their negative views. If you can’t find it within yourself to keep your own counsel about being bisexual – and you’re paying a lot of attention and giving weight to the inaccurate shit being said, well, that can be pretty depressing and it’s not because this dumb shit exists:

You’re believing it. Maybe you’ve told family and friends that you’re bisexual and they’ve pretty much shit their pants over it and giving you all kinds of grief about it… and that just fucking hurts and that’s being really nice about it. It hurts so much that it can make you forget that you have a responsibility to yourself to be the best person you can be and that includes being the best bisexual you can be and in the face of much derision and prejudice. You tend to forget that this is your life and the only person who can live it is… you. If you’re out there trying to live your life the way someone else expects you to, well, do you not think that this is a problem?

And, yep, chances are you will wind up being in therapy and taking medications but if you can’t or don’t understand that depression isn’t a sexuality-only kind of thing, well, there’s your problem. If there’s a depressing problem with being bisexual, it’s not being and staying true to yourself and no matter what anyone else has to say about it. If you don’t understand that the anti-bisexual faction is going to do or say anything to validate their position that they’re right, well, why are you even taking any of this shit to heart?

If you don’t understand that no matter what anyone says or does, it’s not going to change the fact that you’re bisexual, yep, I can see why one would be depressed… but it’s not bisexuality that’s doing it and many bisexuals are their own worst enemy because, again, the tendency is to start thinking that everyone else is going to hate the shit out of you because you’re not straight and like you – and everyone – is supposed to be… and in the face of the certain fact that not everyone is straight.

Duh. That’s the part that makes me roll my eyes until they hurt: The continued belief in something that isn’t true and, again, with the evidence being all up in one’s face. What others think and believe is so far out of touch with the reality of things that if anyone should be depressed, it should be the people who have had their whole worldview destroyed to know that there are bisexuals and bisexuality is some very real shit.

And when you let other people make their problems your problems, yep, you’re gonna have problems and while I know it’s easy for me to say that you should never allow this, it’s not easy for others to do and one has to have the strength of will to believe in themselves and while being under fire being something that other people don’t believe in.

Being bisexual doesn’t fuck with me. This pain-in-the-ass ache in my left shoulder does; the non-stop neuropathic pain left behind from my stroke is very damned depressing and, oh, yeah, I have polycystic kidney disease that has no cure and it may or may not kill me and that’s even more depressing and would be if I allowed it to fuck with my head and, to be honest, with the level of pain I’m always in, I’m surprised that I’ve managed to remain sane. This is some depressing shit… but my bisexuality?

Not even depressing. I know what others have to say against it is bullshit; it’s their own fears and continued belief in shit that has never been true that’s driving all of the shit being said against bisexuality. I hear it; I know about it; doesn’t and never will change or impact the fact that I am bisexual. It’s easy to say that if I can do it, anyone can do it and that’s more hubris than fact because it obviously cannot be done by a whole lot of people. But what I do know – what I’ve learned over all of the time I’ve been bisexual – is that if you’re depressed, the main source of your depression isn’t that you’re bisexual but the negativity, prejudice, and outright hatred others have will keep fucking with your head until you learn or figure out not to let yourself be bothered by the dumb shit and be and remain true to what you know yourself to be.

Once upon a time, I was doing what others are doing today: I was letting what other people had to say bother the shit out of me and it wasn’t their fault that it was: It was mine. I was my own worst enemy; I let them make their problems with not being straight my problems… then I learned not to do this to myself and if/when anyone else saw fit to want to give me grief about not being straight? Let them… because nothing they can say or do was or is going to change the fact that I am bisexual and I’m okay with being bisexual.

And I have more and better things to worry about that letting others make me depressed over something they think they know… and don’t know a damned thing about. Being bisexual, in truth, is no more hazardous that being straight or gay because the common denominator here is that we are all human and we are all subject to the frailties that comes with being human and always subject to man’s inhumanity to man which includes our inherent fear of the other or, if you’re not like us, you’re against us and our habit of killing anything we don’t understand and/or isn’t like us. either literally our with our prejudicial thoughts, behaviors, and words.

And if you let this shit depress you, well, stop doing that because it really is in your best interest not to let that happen. It is a matter of great concern and let’s not make any mistake about this but the key to dealing with depression isn’t so much what is depression you but why something is and, I’d dare say for the most part, if you’re bisexual and depressed, chances are you’ve done this to yourself… and there’s a whole lot of people who are more than willing add on to your woes… and you’re letting them do it to you and not in, let’s say, a fun way when it comes to someone doing it to you (wink, wink).

Some folks get depressed over not being able to do anything about their thoughts and feelings and this, too, is some very real shit and many who are tend to blame everyone else for the way they’re feeling when, truthfully, the person responsible is… themselves and, I’d say nine out of ten times, because they’re worried sick about what someone else is going to say or think about them or they’re more concerned over the consequences of their actions more than they’re concerned about their own well-being and especially their mental wellness… and far too many people are just too willing to sacrifice their own mental wellness in favor of someone else’s sensibilities. I get it and because I used to do the same thing… then I stopped doing it and the consequences be damned because if there’s something I believe in the most, it’s Rule Number One:

Look after you own ass first and all that crap about sacrificing yourself for the greater good? Oh, hell, no, and more so when there are few people who’d do the same for you. If you don’t look after your own ass, who’s supposed to? Who is going to?

And, importantly and in line with Rule Number One, if you feel or believe that being bisexual is negatively affecting your mental health, go get help for it and do it now and don’t kid yourself into thinking that you can handle this all by yourself. There is no shame in seeking the help you need so that you can be okay with yourself and do not let anyone tell you that you’re wrong for taking care of yourself in this or anything else that depresses you.

 

Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: No Right or Wrong Way

Lots of social discourse about what bisexuality is, what’s involved with being bisexual; how someone should be bisexual and other such stuff… and I sit back and take in all of these things – and right along with the quasi-political stuff going on – and I ask myself, “Why don’t they get it? How come they don’t seem to understand that there’s no right or wrong way to be bisexual and if there’s a wrong way, it’s knowing that you are and not doing anything about it, up to and including that they are?”

I see lots of stuff that attempts to definitively qualify and quantify bisexuality and with a lot of emphasis on gender and like that really makes a difference here but I’d guess that it’s just human nature at work when we find ourselves going out of our way to explain or define something that’s pretty self-explanatory; I continue to see people who have such great angst over the word itself even though they look like a duck and quack like one.

Things get so nitpicky that I see, on a daily basis, guys going back and forth about the right way to suck a dick and an insistence that one only sucks cock to please and satisfy the guy attached to it and even that one should forego their own need to be pleasured or satisfied or to even cum… and let’s not leave out that there must be genuine attraction first and foremost… but one shouldn’t just be attracted to the sex alone.

What to do. How to do it. Who to do it with. When and where to do it and, sometimes, why do it at all? On the ladies’ side of things, if they’re worried about anything, it’s finding someone who feels the way they do to either to just talk or, yep – do that other kind of talking. They have their own concerns, of course, but the thing I’ve noticed over the decades is that women just seem to roll with it without making a whole lot of fuss about it and I’ve rarely seen the kind of nitpicking that I see men doing. Clearly, everyone who is bisexual has their own thoughts about what it means to be bisexual and all that and, well, shit… it often cracks me up to see a guy say that this is how he feels, what he likes, etc., and then see other guys “give him da bizness” over his idea of what it means to him to be male and bisexual and like their own idea of this is the way it should be done and without exception.

Do they not understand that there is no right or wrong way to be bisexual? Do they not understand that if there’s a wrong way, it’s not being bisexual in the way you can, want, and need to be bisexual and that the reason you’re bisexual isn’t going to be the same as anyone else’s? I get to shaking my head watching them going back and forth about cock size and if you didn’t know that guys can be size queens, now you know… and I ask myself, “Do they not know that the size of the dick, first, is what it is and, second, as long as it works the way it’s supposed to – and its owner is gonna let them have fun with it – that’s the only thing that really matters?”

Um, apparently not, it seems although, in their defense, they do seem to understand the basic principles… but lets them slip in favor of that which they prefer – and then whatever that might be is forever inviolate and unchangeable and if you don’t prefer that which I prefer, well, what the fuck is wrong with you, homey? I often find myself “stuck on stupid” to see guys trying to intellectualize something that they really don’t seem to understand; more often than not, they’re just parroting things that I see in other places, like Twitter, or from “news sources” that are, at best, questionable in origin and their own purpose of trying to qualify and quantify an aspect of human sexual behavior that just defies those things. And, yes – I’ve been running my mouth about it here for quite some time and I’d have to say that what makes me different from other guys is that I know – and if no one else knows or believes it – I’ve spent almost the entirety of my life asking questions about bisexuality and finding the answers to them, based upon my own experiences and what I’ve learned from guys and gals wherever I’ve traveled in the world.

I kinda know a little something about this bisexual thing. Like them, jeez, there was so much stuff and bullshit I had to sort through and make sense of and at every turn asking, “Why?” and even as long as I’ve been pursuing the answers, I still haven’t been able to do what so many others are trying to do: Nail it down to one single kind of thing… because bisexuality is a lot of things that encompasses and includes everything it means to be human… but without differentiating between males and females. Not men or women but men and women; things like race, color, creed, economic status, levels of education, or other such things have no real meaning in this. It’s just sex and more than that… and what it is depends on what one needs, why they need it, so on and so forth.

Casual sex or relationship-based sex? Which is the right way and which is the wrong way… and why do we continue to believe that one is more right than the other? Well, we just do… but I know that there’s no right or wrong way in this – there’s only what the individual thinks is right or wrong but if you wanna have some fun, ask them why they think something is right or wrong and just listen to it and maybe you’ll see what I learned about this and where it all comes from… then you might be able to see and understand how bisexuality takes all of that stuff and just totally invalidates things.

Is it better to give than receive? A lot of guys believe that is is and they feel some kind of way about the notion of receiving; are they right or wrong? The answer is no… because there is no right or wrong going on here either. If you’re into being fucked, what’s right or wrong way to be fucked? Well, um, still no right or wrong way even in this but, er, given where the dick is going to wind up, there is some common sense to be observed but if you like it bare, well, you like it like that; if you like it covered up, ditto. What’s the best position? Um, whichever one gets the dick in you and you can be in without a great deal of discomfort… but, yep, some guys (and, dare I say, a lot of guys) are of a mind that if you’re not on your knees and with your ass in the air, you might be doing it wrong; if you’re not on your back with your legs widely apart or draped over the other guy’s shoulders, well, you might not be getting boned the right way.

And, yeah – if you and the guy you’re trying to have sex with aren’t into each other, you are most definitely going about this the wrong way and no matter what you are doing… or not doing. Do they not understand that this, while nice and all that, isn’t a hard-set requirement and that all the two guys need is having the desire to do each other and in whatever way they can agree upon? I watch guys “flying around” all over the place about being with younger or older men being the right or wrong ways to get one’s jollies when, in fact, the only real concern is whether or not the guy in question is legally old enough to consent to sex which is being 18 – your state laws about this will vary in some specific circumstances but, sure – if you’re both over the age of 18, you’re good to go and being 21, well, that’s just being more on the safe side of things. Otherwise, if Guy #1 is 23 and Guy #2 is 43 and both wanna do something, well, what are you waiting for, an engraved invitation or something?

HWP – Height/Weight Proportionate. Does it matter? Actually, it doesn’t but a lot of guys are of a mind that it does. Are they right or wrong? Actually, no – they aren’t… but get guys talking about this and having some popcorn or other snacks on hand would be a good thing because you’re gonna be treated to quite the show and performance. I’ve learned that if there’s something to be preferred above any other consideration, the guys in question should be healthy enough to have sex – and in every way that can mean; um, yeah, you’d probably not want to make a guy bust a nut and he keels over from a heart attack or stroke, huh?

Do they not understand that bisexuality is – and can be – so very damned diverse that, in any of this, there is no right or wrong ways involved… except those that we impose upon ourselves? Then the big one: Is it right or wrong for someone in a relationship to step outside of the relationship to satisfy their need for some same-sex involvement? We say that it is wrong; we say that if you gotta have it and getting it gives you great peace of mind and other senses of being okay with yourself, well, it sucks to be you… because you can’t have it and you shouldn’t even want it. And if you go ahead and get your freak on anyway, wow, aren’t you some kind of fucked up asshole or cunt? If you do not confess your sins and sinful thoughts to the person you’re with, yep – you’re most definitely doing the wrong thing and if you do the right thing and confess your perversion to them – and it fucks up your whole life after you do – well, tough titties: You shouldn’t have been thinking about or wanting to have something you aren’t supposed to think about, want, or even get.

This one gets very sticky, doesn’t it? It begs what I’ve learned is a very important question: If the person you’re with needs dick or pussy and you don’t have a dick or a pussy, um, how are you gonna provide them with what they need? You can’t, obviously but, again, the right way is that you shouldn’t ever want or need anything other than what you already have and the wrong way is for the person with this need to take matters into their own hands and get it anyway. Do they not understand that by denying them what they need causes more problems than them actually getting what they need? And the bad part? People know this… and don’t give a fuck; if he/she winds up being depressed or otherwise screwed up about themselves and their existence together starts to fall apart at the seams – and in some seriously fucked up ways – well, too bad, you pervert. How dare you want something that you’re not supposed to want! I should be enough for you and all that you’ll ever need!

Is it right or wrong to say, “It’s better to beg forgiveness than to ask permission?” Yes… and no, to be honest even though chances are that you might not ever be forgiven and getting permission seems to be impossible and assumed to not be worth asking for since you know for a “fact” that the answer is gonna be not only no but fuck no. Is it right or wrong to deprive one’s self or to suppress themselves and, in fact, put themselves at risk for some shit that can be very bad for them and those around them? Extremely sticky and messy situation and if bisexuals don’t agree on anything, we all agree that this is, hands down, the absolute worse situation a bisexual can be in… and there’s no right way to go about making it better without a great deal of suffering and/or loss.

Other than this, the thing I learned – and I learned it before I was even a teenager – is that there is no right or wrong way to be bisexual since one has to figure out what’s going to work for them and what ain’t gonna cut the mustard… and there is no way that I’m aware of that we, as a whole social entity, make a singular determination that covers every who is bisexual and anyone who maybe bisexual in future times. Does gender figure into the rightness or wrongness of how to be bisexual? Nope and if you think it does, you probably need to open a dictionary app and read the definition for gender. If you’re more about parts than hearts, are you doing it wrongly? People will say that you are… but I know that you’re not wrong to be into the parts since, uh, um, that’s what you’re into and, my goodness, aren’t the parts nice to play with?

The only wrong way to be bisexual is to not be bisexual in the way you want, can, and need to be; anything else is a matter of opinion and preference since we’re really not all the same when it comes to this. The factions trying to homogenize this is making a mistake: Taking the person, the individual, out of the equation. Insisting that bisexuality has to be a certain, all-encompassing way that might sound good… in theory… but when it comes to individual practical application? That all falls apart because bisexuality isn’t a one-size-fits-all kind of thing. There are untold millions of bisexual men and women and the one thing they have in common with me is that we’re bisexual – that sameness – but right or wrong tends to become a non-issue at the individual level which is just people being diverse… but not right or wrong in that sense if their idea of being sexually diverse differs from, say, my own… and it’s supposed to differ since, duh, we are different.

But we all are bisexual, well, those of us who actually are in thought and/or deed; there are many more who are… curious; what’s it like? How does it all work out? And even they are neither right nor wrong when it comes to pondering the nature of their curiosity; neither are those who learn and decide for themselves that, nah… don’t need the sex even though it might be nice… and they’re not wrong for making such a decision. Amongst us all, we’re either about the hearts, the parts, or all of the above and there’s nothing wrong with “picking” the thing that works best for your own sensibilities. It’s not even wrong to have dyed-in-the-wool preferences… but there are those who’d say that it’s right to not have them so solidly locked down because, if nothing else, you tend to wind up missing out on the thing you want and need as well as not really understanding how dynamically diverse bisexuality really is and can be.

The only right or wrong ways are those we create for ourselves and morality notwithstanding and even that says that if you’re not heterosexual, you’re just wrong… but do we not know that our morality isn’t quite right about that? Is there not one of us who thinks, “If being bi is wrong, I don’t wanna be right?” And are we really wrong for thinking and feeling this way? Yeah, there are many who say you are as wrong as it gets… but the reality says a very different thing, doesn’t it?

It’s a social bone of contention because we make it this way; it’s becoming a political one, too, because we make it this way and as if a political stance really makes a difference in this and as if we just do not have the right to self-determination when it comes right down to busting nuts and having orgasms. We’ve managed to, wrongly, I think, overly complicate bisexuality and removing the simplicity of it so that we can’t gird our loins, look at the person who’s the same sex as we are and ask, “Hey, do you wanna do it with me? Because I sure wouldn’t mind doing it with you!”

Why would you want to? Well, duh and really: What do you think? Do you really need a reason other than because you want to and if that’s the only reason you have, are you wrong for not having a more detailed reason? Depends on who you ask, huh? And can one be right or wrong when, at the end of any day, what they really want is to feel good about themselves and to make whoever wants to be with them in this feel good, too?

Nothing wrong about that from where I’m sitting and however one wants to go about this is up to them and certain legalities aside, there’s no right or wrong way to achieve this level of feeling good:

I just don’t seem to be able to understand why people don’t know this because it’s not really that hard of a thing to get one’s head around.

 

Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: The Frustration

Yeah… this. Worst than wanting to do some same-sex stuff and not being able to find someone you can do it with: Wanting to do something and current conditions just will not allow it. Being married (or otherwise in a relationship) and, as such, being with someone who does not believe in such things. Things like living in a small town or some other close community where everyone knows everyone else (and knows them well) and everyone appears to be very heterosexual and in all aspects.

For those of you who knows what this feels like, well, you know what it feels like… and to say it doesn’t feel good doesn’t do it any real justice. For those of you who don’t know what this feels like, the closest example I can think of is for you to think about something you really want and need to do and as if your “life depended on it…” and you can’t do it. Or trying to do something you know how to do and no matter what you do, getting it done just escapes you at every turn and trying to get help with it ain’t producing any positive results worth mentioning.

It’s something a lot of bisexuals find themselves dealing with and has them looking for ways to not be frustrated since it can be emotionally disturbing and can cause a lot of unwanted distractions and the bad part is that there’s no absolutely certain way to do anything about the frustration… and telling someone to try not to be so frustrated is seriously a lot easier said than done. The trick of it, if you wanna call it one, is to do your best to contain the frustration but without trying to suppress the source of the frustration; people who try to do this often find out that those feelings just do not go away and, at best, they go hang out in a corner for “brief” moments of time before coming back and letting one know, in no uncertain terms, that they’re still there and they require immediate attention.

Except being able to do that seems to be impossible and more so when one would rather not have everyone they know being aware of the fact that, hmm, you’re not as straight as you appear to be… and as you’re supposed to be… because everyone around you is as straight as they’re supposed to be. Usually, folks experience this level of frustration because they can’t find someone to do stuff with and while they’re concerned about other folks finding out what they’re up to, eh, they’re not all that concerned with it… but there are many, many people who find themselves sitting on the bench and being totally frustrated about not being able to get into the game because of their concerns over what everyone around them is going to think and say about them should they manage to indulge their desires.

Man… talk about being between a rock and a hard place.

A guy asked me if I ever get frustrated when I can’t get any dick and my response was that I get frustrated any time I can’t have sex – period. He asked how I deal with it and I’m sure my response either didn’t make sense to him or didn’t provide the answer he was looking for: I don’t let it bother me; I don’t exactly ignore it because I can’t but I don’t dwell on it and, um, I can always find pleasure in, ah, making myself happy, if you catch my drift. I learned to understand that just because there’s something I wanna do – have sex – that doesn’t mean that I’m always going to be able to make that happen and if I can’t, there’s just nothing I can do about it since I need someone else to make this happen… so, at least for me, it makes no sense to be frustrated over something I don’t have any control over.

Some folks manage to deal with the frustration in this way… and some just can’t and it gets even more frustrating to be frustrated and dealing with that alone is… frustrating. Ya might think that if one really needed to deal with this, well, find a way to go do what you need to do and, yeah, if you gotta hit the DL to facilitate this, you gotta do what you gotta do… and a lot of people do just that… and some people know that they could but, again, if anyone were to find out, that could be a disaster just waiting to happen. Folks who are in a relationship have a worst time than those who aren’t and it remains the worst possible situation to be bisexual and in a relationship… and, yeah, even when you’re in a relationship with someone who is “okay” with your bisexuality. There are rules to relationships and rules that apply whether you’re legally married or not: You just do not ever step outside of the relationship for any reason.

And for some, even if they could do that, there’s still the threat of being outed and exposed and having a lot of people potentially being very upset and disappointed that you’re not as straight as they think you’d better be. The thing I’ve always found interesting is that some of those folks who can be part of the frustration problem may not be all that straight either… but there’s no way to know this and you can’t tell just by looking at them and, most of the time, you can’t even tell when you’re interacting with them since being bisexual is one of those things people tend to keep close to their chests and all that secretive stuff. Is the answer to this coming out?

Oh, fuck no, it isn’t! Many find out that the moment they do this, they are well and truly fucked… and not in a good way. All the ire and “hatred” comes raining down on them so hard as to make the 40 day/40 night flood look like a sprinkle… and just assuming this only adds to one’s growing and persistent frustration. Many find out that even when they come clean about their feelings and it’s been accepted, uh, that doesn’t mean you can now get out there and do something about it… because they’re worried about what everyone else is gonna say about them because you let your bisexual partner go do their thing.

I’m very and well experienced in things bisexual… and even I don’t know what to tell someone who is dealing with this frustration and that, for me, is a bit frustrating but, again, I go out of my way to not be frustrated over anything I can’t do shit about but, yeah, I feel their pain just the same. Again, it’s not as simple as telling someone to do whatever they can to do what they want and need to do since, duh, if the shit goes sideways for them, well, at the most, they’re gonna be pissed with me for saying it and they’re the one who’s gonna wind up dealing with the backlash so, no – I’d rather not say it but that doesn’t mean that there’s no “truth” to it since many have found that if they tempt fate and just do it, their frustration gets taken care of but now they’ve got some other shit – and frustrating shit at that – they might wind up dealing with.

Ya can’t win for losing, huh? And feeling this way is just as frustrating. And if this wasn’t bad and frustration, there’s something I think is even worse: Not having someone you can talk to about the way you’re feeling. So what the hell can one do?

Some people actually mindfuck themselves into believing that they really don’t need to do anything about the way they’re feeling and that works… but doesn’t really work where their body is concerned since there’s not a whole lot anyone can do about how their body is going to react in this. Some people have more of the sex they’re already having but, wait, if they’re not having any sex and in any way that remotely resembles being regular, well, shit. Some folks dive into masturbation and that might work for x-amount of time but, then again, who really wants to be asked, “Why are you spending so much time in the bathroom?” Combine this with the fact that some people aren’t of a mind to get themselves off and, hmm, okay – that’s not working all that well. Some indulge in some pretty interesting fantasies which also tend to aid in the masturbatory effort but while it’s okay to let one’s imagination run wild, it can still be pretty frustrating since, whew, wouldn’t it be nice if you could actually do those thing being fantasized about?

Sadly, what a lot of people wind up doing is… suffering with it. Yes, I’m not going to lie or bullshit you when I say that some folks just say, “Fuck it…” and they go do what they gotta do to take care of this and, yeah, most of the time, they really don’t want to go that route but when I tell you that they do – and because they feel they have no other choice in the matter – this is some real-deal shit because the frustration can go from being irritating and bothersome to being one of those self-preservation moments and I do literally mean that if they don’t do something about it, they are going to lose their minds… and some folks do in some way. They become depressed and moody; are often – or more often – prone to bouts of anger and the whole thing gets compounded when those around them notice this very major change in their behavior and asks the one question that should be asked… but shouldn’t: What’s wrong with you?

The usual answer is, “Nothing.” Or, “I just got some shit on my mind that I’m trying to deal with.” And giving someone those kinds of answers tends to generate even more questions, oh, like, “What’s bothering you so much that you gotta be acting the way you’ve been acting?” or, yeah, telling them that nothing’s wrong just isn’t going to be believed. If you don’t say what’s really bothering you, that’s yet another problem since whoever asked won’t be all that likely to leave it alone… but if you do answer it, that’s gonna be a problem to add on to the one that already exists.

And I know that it doesn’t help anyone for me to say that going through this is actually pretty normal. The no bullshit thing I will say is that this can really get to be a self-preservation moment for someone and, as such, they will throw caution to the wind and literally save themselves… since no one is is likely to be of a mind to assist in the saving. And the truly bad part is that I’ve seen folks fall so deep into pits of despair about this that they wind up trashing a lot of things in their lives from friendships to relationships; heavy drug and alcohol use isn’t unusual and, yeah, some people do take that step to just end it all.

I don’t know about anyone else, but I wonder if our morality is so important that we will allow someone to be in such deep shit or otherwise discomfited. Do we really and truly care that much about our own sensibilities and beliefs that we’d let someone we know – and even someone we care for – be in such a disturbing situation? The ugly truth is, yes: That’s exactly what we’d do and because our morality says that this is what has to be done. Which is why so many people say to themselves, “Fuck morality…” and do whatever they gotta do to end this very bothersome frustration and the loss of friends, family, and even relationships is deemed to be an affordable cost when the greater loss is to wind up losing themselves. And, again, the fucked up part is that if someone is one the verge of losing themselves, well, that’s their problem and not ours.

A guy had asked me, “What would you do if you found out your woman wanted to be with another woman?” and I said, “I’d tell her to go for it – why wouldn’t I?” Of course, he went on and on about how that should never be allowed and all that crap and I said to him that it’s easy for him to say that… because he’s not the one living with her and not being subjected to all that bad shit going on with her because she can’t do the thing she needs to do to be better with herself.

Another guy had asked what I would do if I found out that my best friend not only liked having sex with men but wanted to with me… and I said, “We can talk about it and I might even say yes… because what are friends for?” The guy didn’t understand that… but, then again, how could he? Unlike me, he had no idea how, say, two friends blowing each other can have greater implications than just being able to bust a nut. Is the answer for a guy in this situation to just go get some pussy and everything will be okay? Uh, um, not always because even I’ve gotten all the pussy I could want… and I still crave having a dick in my mouth and, yep, it’s pretty frustrating not to be able to deal with that craving when it needs to be dealt with.

Being so enslaved to our morality doesn’t help a damned thing when it comes to being bisexual and dealing with the frustrations that are involved and, yeah, we believe it to the point that we’d let someone we love fall into that pit of great despair… and leave them there. We will dutifully rake them over the coals if they dare to do what they need to do so that they can be okay with themselves and many people cannot and will not ever accept that you did this… unholy and immoral thing to save both your sanity and your very life.

Which is, again, why a lot of people decide that the only real way to deal with this level of frustration is to just do it… and deal with the consequences of their actions later. For those feeling it, it truly feels like a no-win situation and an inescapable one; it makes people wish they never had these feelings and – get this – they’d do just about anything to get rid of them… except to do the one thing that would make them feel better… because our morality doesn’t allow it.

 

Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: Bisexuality and Polyamory

I’ve probably written about this before but while perusing the Reader, I saw a blog asking about this and my first thought was that bisexuality is almost tailor-made for polyamory since, at the simplest of levels, one finds that their capacity to feel things for others gets greatly expanded and, yeah, even when some of those feelings are not much more than pure and unadulterated lust. It tends to cause confusion in some since being monogamous – and even in our feelings – is highly and strongly mandated and I’ve seen so many people falling all over themselves because they’ve found themselves being in love with someone… but having similar feelings for someone else… and then doing a Jedi mind trick on themselves in order to convince themselves that, for one, they’re not supposed to be feeling like this and, for another, convincing themselves that whatever they’re feeling for someone else – for the most part – isn’t what it really feels like and that there’s some great difference between loving someone and being in love with them.

A lot of people are guilty of this and, yeah, I used to be one of them until I got kicked in the nuts – figuratively, not literally. As I recall, I was well aware that to some degree, I had feelings for guys and gals – lust or otherwise – but really failed to connect the two things and, yep, knowing that I had feelings for someone but I also had feelings for someone else but, like many, suppressed them… but not so much. It took finding out that through no fault of my own, the love I had for someone wasn’t enough for them; they needed more and even from a different direction; it wasn’t that they didn’t love me because they did… but. The whole heart-rending situation forced me to see the reality of the situation, that it really wasn’t “impossible” to have feelings for one person while having feelings for someone else but it was just a matter of that being monogamous thing that was really the biggest problem.

Like, how are you gonna tell someone that if they have feelings for you, they cannot ever have feelings for someone else and they sure as hell aren’t supposed to do anything about those other feelings? Yet, that’s exactly what we’ve been told to do and with the admonishment that trying to love more than one person at a time would be the biggest mistake ever made and is guaranteed to blow up in your face and catastrophically so. Through my sexuality, I learned a few things and beginning with the reason why it can blow up is because while we can have such feelings, shit – we barely know how to love (or otherwise feel) for one person, let alone more than one and, of course, everyone has their own ideas about this but still predicated on the tenets of monogamy.

It’s not that bisexuals can’t be monogamous physically because they can… but emotionally? As I’ve said hundreds of times now, a woman I loved so very much told me that you can’t do a damned thing about the way you feel; you can only do something about how you may or may not act on those feelings. I learned that, yeah, sometimes you are compelled to act and even more so when we’ve all been taught that if you care for or love someone, then you gotta do some stuff about it… and I learned that at the very least, all you have to do is accept that this is how you feel but, yeah, not doing something about those feelings can be a bit of a bitch.

Now, you don’t have to be any kind of sexual to be able to understand this; it’s just that my wakeup call with this one had me “going back” and looking at myself and my bisexuality to really see what had been going on the whole time: Me having feelings for a lot of people and not just for one person whether it was lust, infatuation or even love. I think that had I not been bisexual and “finally” understanding how my own feelings were working, getting hit with this would have been much harder to accept… and off we went, freeing each other to act on our feelings instead of doing what everyone else does: Have those “extra” feelings and just flat out denying them or, yeah, stepping off to the side to do something about them.

I had time to think about this and to see the fallacy of being monogamous; growing up, I was pretty much told that I should (read that as had to) love my parents and siblings and other relatives but if I met a girl, I could only love that girl and no other at the same time. I realized that I’d literally been taught to be polyamorous, only to be told that, outside of the family, I couldn’t be. That realization was an even bigger kick in the nuts and saw that by invoking monogamous behavior, sure – I was being told what I couldn’t do but I was also being told that I couldn’t feel the way I felt… and, again, my bisexuality had already proven to me that I was more than capable – and often very willing – to feel whatever I felt with anyone even though doing something about it, I saw, wasn’t always possible. When the woman I loved told me this, it became an even bigger revelation and epiphany when I eventually saw that I had already learned that lesson – I just hadn’t connected it all together.

When people bitch about bisexuals and say that we’re greedy, they’re not just talking about our greater need and desire for sex and it begs a question: Is there really such a thing as loving and being loved too much? Is caring for more than one person really that bad of a thing and, yeah, do we not know that lusting after more than one person has always been seen as very bad? We see cheating as such a horrible thing to do and always asking why it happens and we always think that it’s about sex alone… when that’s not the whole truth since a lot of infidelity starts with feelings; you love whomever you’re with but then someone comes along and, the short version, you feel more “love” in that sense and while we tend to see it as being different, well, of course it is since everyone is different and how you react to them emotionally is going to be different… but it’s not always a matter of replacing feelings for one person with feelings for another: It’s the addition of those feelings, getting more from someone else than one is already feeling and getting. Of course, the “bad” part about this is doing something about those feelings and sex, it seems, becomes inevitable because other than for the sake of lust, nothing expresses the deeper feelings better than having sex with someone.

It’s not that difficult to see what’s really at fault here… and it’s not really us: It’s what we’ve been made to believe. Being in love and loving – in some way – someone else at the same time cannot be done; it should never be done and we still haven’t, as a whole, made the connection that this demand is unrealistic and we do fuck up a lot of shit – including ourselves – because of this very unrealistic expectation and forces us to control or suppress our natural ability to love more than one person at a time as well as our innate “compulsion” to do something about what we’re feeling.

Bisexuals get exposed to this and even when they’re of a mind that it’s “easier” to just have the sex and without any other feelings getting in the way but, again, you don’t have to be bisexual to see this at work; swingers, in particular, have no problems letting their lust for others loose… but developing feelings other than lust for those they’re having mad crazy good sex with? Verboten. Do not even go there and it had better not be discovered that you do have more feelings other than lust for someone because there will be hell to pay… which brings me back to the question of why and how we feel that we have the right to tell each other how we’re supposed to feel and placing such dire restrictions on them and ourselves? The fact of things and as I learned them is that you can feel whatever the hell you want to and for as many people as you can; doing something about those feelings? Yeah, that can get interesting… but if you could, hmm.

One of the things that solidified all of this in my mind was something my mother told me the day I told her I was getting married – and other than, “I hope you know what you’re doing!” She said, “Your marriage is only going to be as good as the two of you are willing to make it.” And then I learned what that really meant and the “bottom line” thinking and realization that it is better to ask permission than to keep begging forgiveness – and then not ever forgiving or being forgiven. While it’s all well and good to be free to sexually express yourself with whomever you can, it feels even better to be freed from monogamy so that you can feel whatever you’re feeling and without being guilty over the fact that you love this person… but you love that person… or persons. Doing stuff about it is complicated but not impossible…

And these days, a lot of people have figured it out and, again, sexuality isn’t the only method of figuring out but it does, in fact, help. The much dreaded word “threesome” comes up and freaks a lot of people out and that’s understandable… but what they don’t understand so much that, in this situation, sharing sex with someone you love and with others involved isn’t just about sex – it’s also an expanded expression of a great many feelings including the love you feel for the person you’re with and, yeah, it’s often conducted in a way that where sex can be shared… as long as there are no other feelings other than lust going on even though lust is a feeling, too – it’s just one that doesn’t require a relationship in order to be a valid emotional state – we just continue to believe that it does.

Bisexuals probably do understand this better than other types of sexual; it’s not wholly about doing shit about it but being able to feel what we’re feeling and being open and honest with ourselves about this very polyamorous aspect about ourselves. It is a wonderful feeling and part of things that makes being bisexual so eye-opening liberating and allows one to understand that not only can we be bisexual, but we can feel whatever we want to feel for more than one person at a time. There was a time in our history when humans were very polyamorous and relationships included many people joined together in a common cause – primarily survival and it lent itself well to the perpetuation of the species… until some folks decided that this wasn’t the best way to do things and invoked the Word of God… and monogamy.

But especially in bisexuals, this is a difficult state of mind to find one’s self in and to the point where bi guys, in particular, will tell you in a heartbeat that they don’t like men like they do women – and they’re talking romantically, not sexually and it’s like, duh, of course you don’t since women aren’t men and, oh, yeah, that’s right – being romantically interested in men is a very gay way to be. This becomes such a thing in the minds of many that they are unable to see how polyamorous they really are because, again, lust really is a legitimate emotional state – just one that really doesn’t have anything to do with being in love or, as I like to say, you do like them – or want to like them – enough to make sex possible and doable.

Being polyamorous isn’t just about sex but the inclusion of sex isn’t that bad of a thing if you can put your heads together and figure out how to “do it all” and without monogamy fucking everything up and invoking the learned behaviors of being possessive, jealous, envious, and many more feelings. It seems to be impossible… and I know for a fact that it isn’t and I’m not the only one who has learned this. Many of us are very much aware of our capacity and ability to have feelings for more than one person at a time and whether sex is involved or not but it’s being able to open admit and accept that you can, indeed, feel what you’re feeling even though many people see this as emotional infidelity because you just are not supposed to ever love anyone other than the person you’re with… and that has never really stopped anyone from having such feelings and when we do, we’re pretty quick to shut it down in ourselves because it’s wrong and there’s no believe that this should be going on inside of us to begin with… and denying, to a certain extent, that this is how we are really feeling.

There’s nothing you can do about the way you feel; you can only do something about how you might act on those feelings… and my question is, “What if you could? What if you could and without totally destroying everything in the process? What if you really could have your cake and eat it, too… and enjoy everyone else’s cake? Would that be something you might be interested in?”

There was a time when a great many people would say, “Oh, fuck no!” These days? People are changing their minds about that because they realize that no matter what the rules say, their relationship is only going to be as good as the two of them are willing to make it. How do you prevent infidelity? By removing the elements that can cause it to happen whether it’s emotional, physical, or both – and then understanding that it is unrealistic to expect and demand that one person is all you’re ever going to want and need for the entirety of your life. And it’s not that there aren’t a lot of people who don’t know this already because they do; they just don’t know what to do about it and they don’t know because it’s something we are forbidden to learn and even those who try to make being polyamorous work often fail because they’re trying to do so while applying many of monogamy’s rules…

Which is exactly why I’ve been saying that in order to be and embrace polyamory, you have to unlearn everything you know about love, sex, and relationships so that you can learn an entirely different way to go about these things and that calls for rewriting and/or abandoning the very rigid rules of monogamy and rules that, by design, prevent us from feeling the way we can feel. And we believe it to the point that when we find ourselves feeling something for anyone who isn’t the person we’re already with, we feel guilty as fuck about it and that, my friends, is a conditioned response and confuses the shit out of us because, on the one hand, feeling whatever for someone else at the same time we’re feeling something for someone else does, in fact, make us feel good… but we’ve all been mindfucked into believing it is morally improper.

You don’t have to be bisexual to see this at work… but it’s probably the “best” way to experience what it’s like to be polyamorous – and even without sex being involved. And as always, you don’t have to believe me and it wouldn’t surprise me if you didn’t… because you’re not supposed to believe that such a state of mind is even possible and if you were to ever feel this, you are demanded to reject it, deny it, suppress it and at the risk of your own mental wellbeing. And don’t we do this even though we know that it’s actually doing us more harm than good? Polyamory isn’t about doing first and foremost: It’s about feeling. You love this person and there’s no denying that… but you love this other person, too, and you do your best to deny that you do while knowing that you do love them or have, at the least, deeper and, yeah, even lusty feelings for them and, yup, ya just might find out that someone is feeling pretty polyamorous about you which is both a good thing… and a seriously fucked up thing; not because it really is all that fucked up but it’s what we believe and more so when we get hit with many horror stories about what happens to people who are found to love someone and they love someone else; it’s a relationship killer and it is wholly unacceptable for you to be in love with someone and have the immoral audacity to have deep feelings of love, affection, and even lust for someone else.

But what if it didn’t have to be such a disastrous and damaging thing? What if that which we believe really isn’t the truth of how we can be? What’s the best thing to do? It won’t be easy but the best thing to do is accept that this is what and how you feel and enjoy being able to feel this way. You don’t have to do anything other than that but, yeah, I know how it goes and now you’re battling yourself because you want to be able to express your feelings in some way but you can’t… or, really, you don’t know how to be able to do it without destroying everything you already have and that includes even letting it be known that you love the person you’re with… but you really do love someone else and you know it’s very, very real.

It’s the thing that fucks up a lot of bisexuals because they become… innately polyamorous but those damned rules insist that not only can you not do anything about it, you’re not supposed to be feeling this way to begin with. Even in this, one of the lessons I learned was just because you can do a thing doesn’t mean that you always have to… but not allowing yourself to feel whatever you’re feeling? Who has the right to have such control over your feelings and then why are we so willing to let someone else control our feelings and telling us who we can love or care for (or lust after) and who we can’t? The fact of the matter is that regardless of sexuality, a lot of people aren’t buying into this anymore and they are changing the rules because they understand that their relationship – and even their life – is only going to be as good as they want it to be and are willing to make it… even if that means openly loving and sharing more than one person in their lives.

 

Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: Is It Just About the Sex?

Yes. No. Kinda. It could be… and might not be. It depends. I think people hear “bisexual” and images of wild orgies pop into some minds or some other kinds of mental porn gets stuck on repeat in their thoughts but for many, being bisexual and embracing what it means to be bisexual doesn’t always include sex, well, none outside of whatever sex they normally have.

It’s pretty amazing and awe-inspiring to look at the world around you without the blinders our morality installs and being able to admit to yourself that the same-sex attractions you may have been feeling – or are feeling now – isn’t all that bad of a thing or, simply, it’s the way you feel and being able to feel this way is awesomely liberating. It does not mean that one of the first things to be done in this is to go jump some bones (or get yours jumped) but, um, yeah… it’s pretty much implied, isn’t it?

I think but really can’t “confirm” that once someone accepts that this is how they’re feeling, it puts them more in touch with, well, their feelings and more so when this “revelation,” as I’ve been saying, rewrites everything they know, have been taught, and even what they’ve experienced in life to date. It has always amazed me how all of this gets translated into having sex and while there aren’t many women I know who have said that now that they’re bi, they’re gonna rush out and ravish some mother’s daughter… but guys tend to behave like this and by the many times I’ve heard guys talk about this… irresistible compulsion to play with a dick in some way.

The compulsion is real and it is persistent; I’ve heard folks talk about how distracting it is and how, for many, it just erodes their “common sense” in that they become aware of the risks involved and not just the health-related ones; it’s not all that difficult for one to almost immediately understand the great angst in play about not being 100% heterosexual or, yeah, even being 100% homosexual for some and, well, it’s not something one is usually of a mind to do something like, oh, rent a billboard and let everyone who happens to see it know that, hey – I’m bisexual now!

I’ve had people tell me that being bisexual is just about the sex and nothing more than that and I happen to know that they’re right about that and not so much; some folks feel that they have no need to have sex in this way and there are so many poor souls out there who want to… and there’s just no way for them to figure out how they can do it and more so with “new” bisexuals who are in a relationship already and those who have been in one for a whole lot of years.

But, yeah; the compulsion to have the sex is pretty fucking powerful and when I’ve been asked why it is my answer is usually, “I really don’t know – I just know it is. You’d think that because I’m bisexual and have been since “forever,” I’d know the answer but, nope – I really don’t; I have no idea what drives the compulsion or why it seems to make so much sense – and even when the moral imperatives we’ve been programmed with is telling us – screaming at us – to not even go there.

Remember I wrote in my last scribble, “Free your mind and your ass will follow?” Yeah – it seems that once you free your mind, your ass is gonna want to follow in a very carnal way and so much that it feels like a logical conclusion… and I’m not sure that it really is… but it might be… shit… I really don’t know.

I just know it’s real, that it’s powerful, and it’s a bitch and a half trying to ignore it. I’d suppose it doesn’t “help” anyone who, prior to acceptance, has been wondering what it would be like and it definitely doesn’t help anyone who has watched porn – any kind of porn – and it’s been putting all kinds of salacious and “nasty” thoughts in their head about a certain kind of sex they could be having if they can admit to themselves that this is what they’ve been feeling and thinking. For those folks who haven’t really had such thoughts or, I think, really, it’s crossed their minds and got summarily kicked out for moral reasons, I cannot explain why many such people get hit with the compulsion once they’ve freed their mind about sex and sexuality when they accept their bisexuality.

I know about the objection and we just have this… thing about people who are having more sex than what’s “allowed” and we do give people who have tons of sex a hard time about being so… promiscuous and like it’s a bad thing but, yeah, to them, it really is. Men who are out there screwing like it’s illegal are dogs and women are just straight-up sluts… and when one is bisexual, holy shit – what the hell is wrong with you? Just pick one person to have sex with and leave it at that!

Yeah… doesn’t work like that but, as I’ve scribble about before, there’s this… leaning or even a push to legitimize sex as a bisexual by imposing the same moral components that define heterosexuality: No casual sex, no sex without a relationship of some kind being in place and with the requisite emotional connections firmly in place and then only with one person at a time but with an “exception” that says if you’re in a relationship already and the compulsion has beaten you down enough to act, you are kinda “allowed” to have one other person to have the sex with other than the person you’re with which, okay – that’s a problem, too, right? It is but people do find ways around that.

It’s not really just about the sex and I can’t emphasize this enough but, damn, it’s pretty damned attractive and, again, there’s just that… something that says, “Go ye forth and get jiggy like that… and you can’t do it fast enough!” The compulsion is like getting run over by a fast-moving train and more so when most people really don’t see it coming; it’s like after x-amount of time debating with themselves if they’re bisexual or not, the moment they tell themselves that they are – pow! – here comes the compulsion and it’s why I’ve heard so many men and women get pretty flustered to find themselves craving the sex when, prior to acceptance, it wasn’t there outside of their “normal” desire for sex. Or, yeah – as I’ve heard time and time again, guys asking, “Why do I have this urge to suck a dick?”

And, again, I say to them, “I really don’t know where it comes from but I do know that it’s powerfully real.” Or they’ll ask why it suddenly makes so much sense when it never did before and, yep – I don’t know why it makes sense and, yep, I just know that it does… well, to most folks. Now, many do learn that having the compulsion and actually doing something about it can be seriously different but that’s not really the point here; it’s not really all about the sex but I feel safe in saying that it usually does – and it’s not always about actually having it.

Now we’re getting into having very bad cases of dick and pussy on the brain. Not everyone acts on the compulsion… doesn’t stop the compulsion from fucking with their thoughts one bit. Some can keep it down to a dull roar in their minds and some just can’t. They know, given their situation and all that, that they shouldn’t give in to the compulsion and they fervently wish it would just go away and leave them the hell alone – and they ask if it ever goes away and I’ve been the one to tell them that, nope – it doesn’t go away; it might “back off” at times but just completely vacate the premises?

Nope – doesn’t work like that. See, it’s believed that bisexuals run into problems because they do “dash out” and have the sex but the biggest problem they face is… not having the sex and fiercely resisting the compulsion to do just that. Why? Shit… if I knew the answer to that, I’d also know about the other stuff I don’t have answer for! Even when one has resolved themselves to the “impossibility” of ever having the sex, the compulsion doesn’t go anywhere and for some, it’s like the compulsion says, “Okay, okay – you’re not gonna do it the way you know you should be doing it so let’s redirect it in a way you feel more comfortable in, aight?”

Some folks have said that now that they’re bisexual – even if in thought at this point – they’ve turned into some very horny critters and more than what’s normal for them… and, no – I have no idea why… I just know it can happen. And even when they start having more “normal” sex, the compulsion to have the “other kind of sex” is still there or, as one guy told me, he was having a hard time figuring out why he was still craving dick when he was getting pussy and the simple explanation I could come up with was that pussy is good and all that… but it’s not what you really wanted and, no, no, no – I don’t have a clue about what’s really going on with this.

I just know that it can work like that. I know that because the compulsion does make a lot of people get into the sex, it looks like being bisexual is just about the sex. It is… and it isn’t… but it could be and might not be. Confused? Welcome to the club. And before I forget, if one gives in to the compulsion and has the sex, um, it might not make the compulsion go away and it just might kick the compulsion into a higher gear – and I think I kinda understand this one a bit better and it goes something like this:

That wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be! See, we all “know” that “gay sex” is bad and all that… until one finds out that it isn’t. A lot of folks are of a mind that if they do the nasty like that, they’re going to instantly turn into some kind of flaming, flamboyant homosexual – then get the “shock of their lives” to discover that, after the fact, they’re still the same person they were before the fact… kinda. Not straight but not gay and it just wasn’t all that bad. Yeah, for some, the sex didn’t live up to expectations or as advertised and that can kill the compulsion… and it might not. I think some folks just kinda “go ahead and get it over and done with” and with the thought that once they do, the compulsion is going to be satisfied and it’s going to leave them alone going forward.

The truth is, I think, sometimes it does just that… but it’s rare that it’s one and done. It didn’t “kill” you, you didn’t instantly and immediately become “very, very gay” and, hmm, it really wasn’t all that bad and, damn it, why didn’t I do this before now? And the compulsion is kicked back and having a smoke and saying, “Okay, now you know… so when are we gonna do it again and, oh, yeah – you will do it again!”

And even if one doesn’t, the compulsion just never goes away. One can sit and think of every reason they can manage as to why they should never do this again… and it still makes perfectly good sense that they do while making perfectly good sense not to. Confused? So are a lot of people. Why? Still don’t know – still just know that this is how it works for a great many people.

I think that once one gets their minds freed from what they’ve been taught about all of this, it… unlocks something and now their ass is ready to follow and the path being followed also includes having the sex and, damn it, probably because it really does make sense to do it and more so when one’s intelligence has come to the conclusion that the reasons given for not having sex like this just isn’t the whole truth when it comes to having sex so… why the hell not? For some, well, they were already headed in this direction and out of curiosity… but I have no explanation for those folks who weren’t ever curious and were dead set against such behaviors in anyone… and now, here they are finding themselves dealing the the compulsion and their minds unlocked and freed because they’ve somehow managed to reason that not only is bisexuality a real thing, it just makes so much sense.

You don’t have to have the sex but I’ll admit that it is implied. A lot of people don’t have the sex… and an uncountable number of people do. I maintain that thinking and doing aren’t always the same things and if there are those out there who believe that if one is bisexual, they’re gonna have the sex that’s possible, well, they’re not all that wrong but they’re not entirely right, either. Some people just don’t need to do it like that and a lot of people can’t figure out how to get it done but, I dunno, it’s like for some, it doesn’t all completely fall into place until they actually have the sex and more so if/when the sex is found to be to their liking… and most people do, by the way.

It is about the sex… and it isn’t. Things just somehow come together and in a way that makes it feel so sensible and because there are a lot of things that get unlocked when we say, “Okay – I’m bisexual!” and things that seem to be lying in wait for this “revelation” to come to the surface. It doesn’t always surface but, whew, when it does?

Guess what happens? Sex is still one of the best ways to express emotions; bisexuality doesn’t just get you thinking in a different way, it gets you feeling in different ways and it just seems that when you add it all up – and not forgetting to carry the one – it just somehow makes all the sense in the world and one does tend to find themselves being compelled to, at the very least, what it’s like to have the sex.

And it’s really not as bad as it’s thought to be…

 

Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: “Would You…?”

There are two thing to this rather open-ended question. The first is something I’ve been asked and have asked myself: If I wasn’t already bisexual, would I eventually discover it? The second aspect is for those who aren’t bisexual and, simply, “Would you go that way?” or some other phrasing.

The first version, at least for myself, is one of those, “I dunno…” kind of things and one that’s moot because I already am and, as such, there’s no way for me to know if I would have discover bisexuality so my answer sounds… iffy: Maybe I would have and maybe not. And, no: Because I am doesn’t make answering that kind of question easy.

For the “Would you go that way?” version, yeah… funny thing about this because I know people who said that they’d never be like that… and then they’re like that and, of course, there are those who say never and wouldn’t go there if they had to in order to save their life. There are those who might, for some reason, have it on their mind and if they do, asking them if they’d actually go there get like asking me the first version of the question: I don’t know, maybe, and maybe not – it depends.

And it can depend on some stuff that, I think, isn’t all that easy to foresee. I know a lot of people who can actually list the things that might get them to go both ways and I think it speaks well of them because they have a pretty good understanding of themselves and their ability to apply the if/then/else formula in a theoretical way but, sometimes, in a way that speaks more to why they wouldn’t because in their minds, those conditional things aren’t likely to ever show up… as far as they know… and there’s no way for them to know.

Or, as I like to say, if they could see the future like that, let’s pick out some winning lottery numbers!

One of the reasons a lot of people have a “difficult” time trying to answer this question is that they don’t have a point of reference for it; they just might know about bisexuality in some way but that’s not the same as experiencing it – and what they may know of how someone else has experienced it, while helpful in theory, doesn’t really provide a good point of reference. One of the things I’ve heard a lot is this: If someone had told me that I’d go both ways, I would have told them they were crazy! Impossible!

Then there are those who are “100% sure” that they’d never go there and I do like to mess with them by asking, “How do you know you wouldn’t?” – but it is a valid question just the same since it speaks to what’s going on inside their head and what they think they know and believe. If they never do, well, they never do… but if they do? To say that they’re shocked doesn’t even come close to describing what it feels like to have, essentially, proven yourself wrong. Those who say never are quite confident and sure of themselves which isn’t a bad thing all by itself and they are quite adept at avoiding anything that might push them in that direction but they, too, can often lay down a list of seemingly impossible conditions that they are very damned sure will never fall into place.

Let’s not forget those folks who tried it and they didn’t like it; if you ask them if would do it again, they will tend to say something like, “When hell freezes over!” or, more realistically, they can’t imagine any situation that would get them to do it again. If they never do it again, no big deal but if they do, yep – shocked.

In this, there really is a reason to never say never. Okay; if someone rolled up on them and hit on them “right now,” their answer is going to be no or some form of “get the fuck outta my face with that shit!” What they don’t know is that, say, tomorrow? Things could just fall into place and their answer will, again, shockingly, be yes or, at the least, “Maybe – I need to think about this.”

If there’s a “correct” answer to this question, it’s, “I don’t know…” – and it’s okay to not know. You might be thinking, “Oh, but I do know!” and you’re right – you know that right this very moment… but what about tomorrow? Next week? Six months from now?

Hmm.

The other question that drives me a bit nutty is, “If you knew then what you know now, would you still be bisexual?” Well, um, based on what I know now I’d say… probably since I do know it now and it’s again pretty moot since I did get to know what I known now. I can see people who are late to the party being asked this question and, sometimes, hoo boy! They often express sentiments of “regret” that they didn’t get into it when they had the chance to early on and, yeah, that kinda makes sense given that they didn’t know then… but they do now so it’s kinda easy to “roll it back” as it were but that’s still kinda moot since, before the fact, they didn’t know what they now know.

Yeah… the question drives me a bit cray-cray. The first form of this question is, indeed, moot for anyone who is already bisexual and no matter when they became this way. The second form of this question is based upon that which someone believes and is just as iffy since, as stated, chances are good that they have no point of reference and knowing someone who is bi doesn’t really provide that point of reference because that’s someone else… and it’s not them. They believe they never would and it’s important for them to maintain that belief and, again, there’s really nothing wrong with that…

There was a time when I’d say that no one wakes up one morning and decides that today would be a good day to become bisexual… and I’ve had to recant that statement because, apparently, some people do just that. Sometimes it’s because they’ve been kinda/sorta heading in that direction to begin with and even if they weren’t all that aware that they were and for others, well, yeah – shit happens and it almost always happens when you least expect it and in ways you just never see coming.

“If you could go back and do it all over again, would you change anything?” Um, can you see me rolling my eyes? It’s a loaded and rhetorical question since you can’t go back and you can’t ever change something that has already happened… or make something happen that didn’t actually and factually happen. It is, strangely, a “good” question because it speaks to one’s frame of mind and judgement at the time… but it’s still rather moot. My answer? No; I wouldn’t change a thing and the reason why I wouldn’t is because I wouldn’t be the person I am right now if I changed anything… and I like who I am right now.

I think that asking questions like this – and a lot more I’ve not even mentioned – is just human nature; it’s us trying to understand some things about ourselves and others that’s not always so easy to understand given our ongoing mindset about sex and sexuality; the funny thing is that some of us really do try to answer them. It’s okay to say that you don’t know one way or the other and that “never say never” thing? Eh, yeah, I wouldn’t say that and more so when I’m pretty sure I can’t see into the future and while I have a good idea of how I want things to be going forward, that doesn’t mean that the future is going to unfold or otherwise reveal itself in the way I’d prefer it to do so.

Some folks say, “If it happens, it happens – I’ll deal with it then; but if it doesn’t, it just doesn’t!” and I think that this, too, is a good and valid answer to a question that is more likely to give you headaches than anything else. I can’t say that I would eventually discover bisexuality down the road since I’m already bisexual and the best I can do is to say, “Maybe… and maybe not.” Can someone say and with absolute certainty that they’d never be bisexual? Sure they can and chances are they’d be right about that… and chances are they’re going to be in for quite the shock to their system to, again, prove themselves wrong and more so when Mr. Murphy seems to have big fun making unexpected shit happen to those who say it’ll never happen to them.

 

Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: The Struggle

If there’s one thing that keeps circling the “drain” in my mind about bisexuality it’s why, in these days of heightened understanding about sexuality, there are so many who struggle with it. Those of you who follow and read have seen me write time and time again that it’s not like we, collectively, have no idea or clue that there are so many people who just aren’t straight. Even when I go back to the earlier days of my existence, we knew that not everyone was straight and, I’d say in my time, the war against homosexuality escalated and many lives were destroyed and lost because we wanted to believe and maintain a truth that, clearly, wasn’t all that true.

For us young, horny, and curious bisexuals of the early 1960s, we were this way despite all of the dire warnings and punishments and the angst was so prevalent that being called a faggot, queer, fairy, or sissy would either be fighting words or capable of sending someone running away in tears since the opinion of that time was that anyone who fit the general description was the worst motherfucker who could have ever been born. When I first became aware of the struggle, I didn’t understand it but I began to understand it when I’d run into someone who wanted to know what it was like to have sex boy to boy (or girl to girl) but they were sorely afraid of being called the aforementioned faggot, queer, fairy, sissy, or a bull dyke.

They weren’t so much afraid of the sex itself but no one wanted to bear the weight of those aforementioned labels. I remember a girl I knew who everyone was calling a dyke (but she really wasn’t totally into girls) and how she struggled with being called one, giving me a look at the struggle itself and thinking that she wouldn’t be struggling with this if she weren’t being made to struggle with it. As the saying goes, the struggle was real: Children were being disowned or otherwise shunned and other kids were being historically vicious and evil as they teased, taunted, and beat up any other kid they knew wasn’t straight or was rumored not to be.

Bisexuality was real, too – it just wasn’t getting what I’d call any serious attention; by and large, it was either a joke or a way to yank someone’s chain and in the not-so-good way. Any guy who appeared not to be interested in girls was automatically a faggot and, again, even if the accusation wasn’t true; any girl who was a tomboy or appeared not to be interested in boys was a lezzie dyke and just hated boys… and even if that accusation wasn’t true.

The struggle was a bitch to find pressing on you to find that you could be so very much hated for being something everyone kept saying no one should ever be… yet, even in those early times, so many of us weren’t straight and those of us who weren’t totally gay found ourselves being the butt-end of a lot of jokes because, even way back then, it was assumed that no one in their right mind would go both ways and since this was presumed to be a given, many of us got our first exposure to the black and white mindset that you were either straight – which was good – or you were gay – which was as bad as anyone could be.

But, again, there were many of us who were smack dab in the middle; it didn’t really matter why we were or how we got there: It’s where we found our sexual comfort zone and one that just worked but the struggle became more of an issue, not because of the wholesale hatred and prejudice going on but because of a kind of hypocrisy that was also becoming rather clear, well, to those of us who were of a mind to notice it and question it:

If this isn’t the way people are supposed to be, why are so many people not the way they’re supposed to be? Bisexuality comes with its own built-in struggle just by not really being straight or gay… but the struggle actually became… clearer because the source of it – religion – was, in our minds and especially in my own mind, was seriously off-base about this; people who weren’t straight were being made to struggle because of something that was supposedly written and because God said so and it wasn’t the truth of things. Even I wondered why everyone wanted to believe something that, like it or not, was being proven not to be the truth of things…

And it’s a question I still ask myself today as more and more bisexuals find themselves struggling with something that, truth be told, they shouldn’t be struggling with. They are made to struggle because of the fear others have about dying and going to hell for both sinning and disobeying God’s Word and Law. I remember someone telling me that because I wasn’t straight – and it didn’t matter to them that I wasn’t gay, either – that I was going to die and go burn in hell for all of eternity and instead of it pissing me off like it used to, I just said, “Probably… but I’m not going to be the only one and if that’s really true, ha, my reservation has been confirmed already so I’ll be in good company.”

Yes, indeed; I didn’t escape the attempts to have the struggle thrust upon me and, yeah, it doesn’t feel good to have people you knew turning their backs on you because you weren’t straight and then, because of their beliefs and, might I say, abject ignorance, they thought I was gay. It didn’t feel good to hear people saying some pretty awful things about anyone who wasn’t straight and that bisexuals were just as bad and wrong as those queer-assed homos; it’s one thing to know about man’s inhumanity to man… and pretty fucked up to find yourself being subjected to that inhumanity and, again, over something that, as my observations and investigations were proving, wasn’t the whole truth of things.

I just got to a point where I realized that no one could make me struggle with my sexuality unless I allowed it; they could say whatever they wanted to and they could turn their backs on me all they wanted to but the only way any of this was really and seriously going to fuck with me is if I allowed it to fuck with me… so I didn’t allow it. I realized that people could say whatever they wanted to and, yeah, if they were of a mind to do something about it – and I’m talking violence – well, let’s just say that I knew I wouldn’t be the only one getting their ass kicked… and none of it would or could change the fact that I’m neither straight nor gay – I’m both:

I’m bisexual. The good thing, as I saw it, were that there were many others like me who took this stand and refused to get dragged into the struggle and one that just did not make any sense; the bad thing was that many more were being made to struggle and it seemed to me that the more homosexuals were making their case to be treated to the same human rights as everyone else had, the more pressure the struggle was bringing to bear and I still couldn’t see the sense of it and more so when I started digging around to find out why it was said and demanded that everyone be straight and when I figured it out, I was stunned but, at the same time, hmm, okay, that actually makes sense when you think about the way the world was in those very ancient times.

Babies. Reproduction. The perpetuation of the species. They knew, way back then, if boy/boy and girl/girl sex was happening, babies weren’t being born and, yeah – there weren’t that many humans around so the rules – and I say it grudgingly – made sense and made even more sense to back it up by instilling great fear for one’s eternal soul for noncompliance to the edict. At first, I actually didn’t believe that this was the reason but the more I dug – and, um, the more trouble I got into talking to ministers of faith about this, well, nothing else made sense and more so when God told Adam and Eve, when He evicted them from the Garden of Eden, “Go ye forth and multiply…” and, yeah… only one way to do that.

Except, as it turns out, a lot of those very early humans weren’t all that interested in multiplying so much and discovered that sex just wasn’t for reproduction; not only was having sex fun but ya didn’t have to do it in the way they said it had to be done… then Onan did what he did and it was interpreted that masturbation was a sin… but that wasn’t the sin he committed but, yeah – that explained why those of us who discovered masturbation would get our heads handed to us for indulging in a sin that wasn’t a sin. And the thing that stood out to me was that despite the morality; despite all the doom and gloom surrounding not being heterosexual and doing things the way God said they were to be done, people were still not being straight or all that straight.

People struggle with their sexuality because they’re made to struggle with it because of something that was written that’s not only not the whole truth of things but for reasons that, here in 2020 (and, actually way before now) that no longer exists since we figured out how to have babies without having to have sex – and maybe you’ll remember how a lot of people lost their ever-loving minds when the first “test tube baby” was born and if you don’t, I do – one thing to know the history of this, another thing to have been there as history was being made.

The fucked up thing? We still are made to struggle over not being heterosexual; we continue to hold true to a standard of existence that has been… defied all along. The hypocrisy says that you have the right to live your life any way you want to or can… as long as you live it the way you’re told to and that means your horny ass had better be straight and no excuses or exceptions for not being this was will not be accepted or tolerated and, yeah, you’re still gonna die and go to hell.

The struggle remains very real because we still believe in something that has been proven over all of this time not to be the whole truth of things. And we know this. And we still continue to struggle with it. Bisexuals, in particular, don’t really struggle with being bisexual so much: The struggle with what other people are gonna “kick their ass” about for not being straight and on top of the continued misconception and, dare I say, ignorance, that if you’re not straight – and you go both ways – that means you’re really a homosexual.

Makes you wonder, doesn’t it? Okay… the disease card. On the whole, this has been a part of human nature as anything else is and, these days, this is being hyped to the point where I know of some guys who believe that if they even touch another man’s cock, they’re gonna catch something and die a horrible death. The people who are still so steadfastly against anything that even remotely resembles not being heterosexual continue to bring all the doom and gloom they can think of and making people succumb and submit to the struggle even though, forever and ever, they know that there’s no real truth to what they think and/or believe. All manners of horror stories about not being and remaining straight abound – nothing new about this at all… pretty “strange” that people still believe them as much as they do just as we continue to believe that if it went badly for someone, it’s going to go badly for them, too… and without giving a single thought to the fact that sex, in and of itself, doesn’t always go as swimmingly as we all have been led to believe… and untold numbers of very straight folks can bear witness to this.

We just don’t talk about that one so much because it doesn’t serve the purpose of the struggle to speak about the truths. It’s not so much that any of us don’t have reason to be fearful of not being straight: It’s that we are being made to be afraid even when we know more about human sexuality now than we ever had at any other time in our existence. Not the way it’s supposed to be and we maintain and insist that this is still the only truth when, again, it’s been proven over all of this time not to be the only truth.

The struggle remains real because it’s fairly difficult to change that which people believe and especially a belief that has continued to be passed on over all of the many generations. Make no mistake in this: People do wind up having their belief in these things changed but it’s also well-known that change is notoriously slow and something that humans, generally speaking, aren’t fond of and tend to be resistant to. Since the war against homosexuality crashed and burned, shit… I guess there’s nothing to be done about the aspect of the human condition that says we just ain’t being human if we don’t have something to bitch about and in the area of sexuality, it’s bisexuals who are having a bull’s eye painted on them and, as you know, there’s so much riffing and shit going on that only serves to keep the struggle alive and as well as it can be.

Except, um, hmm: As invasive and persistent as the struggle has become these days, it’s still not stopping people from being bisexual. If it’s done anything, it’s done what it did for homosexuality: Driving it underground and, shit, making a lot of people into… liars of a kind because even in the here and now, bisexuals do not really want to be – or keep being – lumped in with homosexuals. Not that there’s anything wrong with being homosexual because there really isn’t… but a lot of people still think and believe it’s wrong and they have no problem letting anyone who cares to listen to why they continue to believe that it’s morally fucked up to be anything other than heterosexual.

Bisexuals aren’t so much afraid of the sex itself although, yeah, it can be pretty scary since it’s sex in a way that one may have heard about but it’s always a different thing when it’s them being in that moment of truth. What they are very afraid of is and, at least from where I’ve been sitting, what someone else is going to say or even do if it is discovered that, holy shit – not only are they not straight, they’re not really gay, either. It just fucking amazes me at how blind we’ve been made to be and to the point where we still believe that there’s absolutely nothing between straight and gay and that there shouldn’t be – and even when the Drs. Kinsey – and about a year or so before I was born – let it be known that there is something between being straight and gay.

We know it as bisexuality. We are only now getting our heads around the fluidity of human sexuality, well, better than we did compared to how we thought about things in the 1960s… and despite our “newly found” enlightenment, the struggle continues but maybe not as… vigorous as before. The struggle… struggles to stay alive and to the extent that it is very much believed that all of the angst against bisexuality is coming from those who are “rabidly” heterosexual… and it isn’t. To be sure, there are heterosexuals who are staunch believers in the way it’s supposed to be but a lot of the angst is coming from some member of the sexual community who, themselves, aren’t straight.

The struggle continues to exist and plague people because of that which we believe and bisexuals have the unenviable position of being caught in the middle of two different – but strangely similar – schools of thought and, for the most part, bisexuals are being made to struggle because we’ve adopted both schools of thought… but not just one of them exclusively. You’ve heard of the stereotypes about being greedy and confused; about being serial cheaters who can’t commit to relationships or just be happy with whatever sex and/or emotional succor that’s already available. Many bisexuals are “just now” being subjected to this and it is truly fucking with their heads while “old heads” like me are sitting back and rolling our eyes because this ain’t new at all; I grew up hearing this even when it was more aimed at those damned gay people.

We have learned much… and haven’t learned a damned thing. The good part is that many bisexuals aren’t allowing the struggle to fuck with them and the bad part, of course, is so many bisexuals – and folks who feel, think, and believe that bisexuality is the thing that will make them right with themselves – are letting themselves get caught up in the struggle and one that is designed to not allow them to be the kind of person they know they must be. I read on Twitter that there are those who say that if you don’t acknowledge the fact that biphobia, as well as bisexual erasure, isn’t a real thing, well, you’re part of the problem… and I call bullshit on that because, these days, there isn’t a bisexual who isn’t aware of these things…

There are just some of us who ain’t of a mind to be caught up in the dumb shit driving these things. As I said when I first learned about erasure, you can’t erase me and you can’t erase the fact that I know that I’m bisexual – and I’ve been bisexual way longer than a lot of the people who are pitching a bitch about bisexuals being invisible and all that rot. Just because you don’t or can’t see us does not ever mean that we don’t exist. And there are bisexuals who believe that they can be erased and they, too, have succumbed to what has always been humanity’s black eye: The fear of the other or, if you’re not like us, you’re against us. Tribal. Primative. Contentious. What it means to be human. We know that we shouldn’t be this way and that it serves humanity no real purpose but, yep – it’s the way we still are about a lot of things and sexuality is right there at the top of the list of things we get very pissy about.

The good thing, I think, is that the morally righteous lost the war against homosexuality and they will lose the war against bisexuality, not that they were winning it in the first place, mind you. The bad thing, I know, is that the struggle remains very damned real for a great many people and, nope, once you get caught up in the struggle, it’s not really that easy to get away from it… but it can be done. I did it and a damned long time ago… and I’m not the only one who managed to divorce themselves from the insanity of the struggle. The only person who can do anything about my bisexuality is… me. I run shit here; this is my life and it’s how I want to go about doing things and if you don’t like it or don’t believe in it, that’s not only not my problem but you’re not going to make it my problem and, as such, drag me into the struggle. Not gonna happen; not because I’m… stubborn but because I know the truth: Being just straight or just gay has never been the only ways to be.

History itself – and even when it’s been lost, changed, and even erased – bears this out. It is just as both bi- and homosexuals have been saying: If God didn’t want me to be the way I am, I wouldn’t be the way I am. And I almost hate to say it but, um, God isn’t the one who got us started with this – we just say He did – and we believe it. Mankind said this. Wrote it. Insisted it was God’s Word. I’m not blaspheming or anything like that but it begs the question: If God gave us free will – and even reluctantly – why would He even care about how we like to have sex and be emotionally comfited?

The kind of questions that tend to seriously piss a lot of people off because, if nothing else, they challenge that which they believe and no matter why they believe it or came to. Homosexuality rocked the boat big time; bisexuality is about to sink the whole damned boat because the tenets of hetero- and homosexuality are being proven to not be the whole truth when it comes to human sexuality… but we always knew that – we just chose not to believe it.

And no one likes having their beliefs challenged and, worse, proven to be not wrong but incorrect. Invalidated and that includes everything that religion has always said about not being heterosexual. And we struggle with this and it actually kind makes sense that we do to find out that what we believed with all of our heart and soul just isn’t the whole truth. It just pisses us off and there’s always a price to be paid for pissing someone off and more so when you have the nerve to question their beliefs and insist that, nope – what you believe just never has been the whole truth of things.

Homosexuality had their great struggle and even it isn’t totally and completely free and clear of the struggle… and now bisexuality is having its great struggle and proof, again, that we have learned nothing while learning more than we’ve ever known before about human sexuality. That’s the struggle and, yes, what I’ve learned about it and, no, it’s not just what I think or what I believe because I’m not the only one who has learned this and there are people who are, even in the moment that you’re reading this, are learning that they’ve been struggling with their sexuality and they really didn’t have to and the reason why they’re struggling with it is because of the fear others have and their continued belief in something that, forever and ever, has never been 100% the truth of things.

The truth is that humans are very damned sexual and we can be just for the fun of it and everything we’ve been made to believe has gone out of its way to deny this and to shame the shit out of anyone who dares to give in to their basal and primal desires for sex – and regardless to sexuality. And, hell, no: You don’t have to believe a word of what I’ve written but, ah, ask yourself a question and one that happens to be a question I asked myself a long time ago: Why does the Catholic Church, in particular, have rules against any form of contraception? There’s a reason why they do and it used to be a damned good reason, believe it or not. Once upon a time – and as I understand it – one could be excommunicated for breaking the edict against contraception – not a good thing.

I’m just one of the many people who dared to ask, “Why?” And got my ass in some very hot water for asking. The struggle is real because, well, that’s the way it’s supposed to be and if you’re not with us, you’re against us… and I don’t know about any other bisexual or any other “sexual” but I’m quite okay being against the way it’s supposed to be…. and I’m not the only one and what scares so many people these days?

As John Cena’s tagline goes, “You can’t see me!” and for many of us, we don’t want to be seen because, if nothing else, it’s none of your damned business how we’re having sex and who we’re having it with; sex is supposed to be private and do we not have the right to keep our sexual proclivities an activities private? Yeah, we do, don’t we? The struggle doesn’t get to be a problem until someone tries to make it your problem and if you let them make it your problem, well, welcome to the struggle and I’m sure you’re not going to enjoy it one bit.

And as proven by the many people who at this very moment are struggling with being bisexual.

And I am still the very bisexual guy who has the nerve to say something about any or all of this. The struggle isn’t accepting this about yourself; it’s not even doing something about it although, yeah, that ain’t the walk in the park many believe it should be. The struggle is external – it comes from what others believe or, in this, don’t, can’t, or even want to believe. It’s what they think; what they believe and many who believe don’t even know why they believe it other than having been told that it’s not the way it’s supposed to be… and God said so.

And we continue to prove that we can’t handle the truth. We know the nature of the beast we are and, nope, can’t handle it. The truth is that for whatever reasons suits our purpose in life, we can be whatever kind of sexual we want and need to be and, yeah – we can change our mind about that if we want and need to. It’s just that we’ve never been on the same page about it and still engage in that very primative behavior that says if you’re not like or with us, you’re against us…

And we will find a way to deal with your fucked up asses and keep trying to even when nothing that has been done to date has changed anything. One of the ultimate acts of futility we stubbornly keep going. You can’t stop human sexuality; words haven’t stopped it and the many acts of violence that have taken place all along has failed to stop it. We know it; we’ve always known it.

We have learned nothing from our failures in trying to stop it.

Thus endeth the rant that really isn’t a rant; it just a truth that many of us refuse to accept that that refusal gives the struggle life to keep fucking with us. If you don’t believe me, you don’t have to and if you don’t, it doesn’t change anything. I’m bisexual. I’m not the only one who is. All anyone can do is not like it, not believe in it, whatever… and it still changes nothing since – and maybe you feel that this is exaggerated (and it isn’t) when I say that even as you read this – and if you bothered to read it – someone is finding out that they’re bisexual and, hmm, it’s not as bad as it’s said to be.

And chances are good that they, too, will get caught and bound up by the struggle.

 

Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: The Biggest Problem

For damned near all of my life, I sit… and think… and observe. Bisexuality has fascinated me from the moment it came into my life – and, this time, I’ll go with the pun! – and the what of it was easy and obvious but the why of it was unknown and it plagued me greatly because, in those very early days of discovery, I just didn’t know why something that was said to be so bad felt so good.

I’ve learned a lot, both via experience as well as reading all there was to be read about sex and sexuality and, of course, interacting with others sexually and intellectually. At any given time, there’s a part of my mind that no matter what I’m doing keeps asking why things are the way they are in this. Why are a lot of people so afraid of this aspect of sex and sexuality and if I were to be able to narrow all the information I’ve gathered down to a few bullet points, what’s the biggest problem bisexuals face?

It’s not social acceptance; it’s not really that “mortal fear” of catching something nasty. The fear of being discovered and/or outed is a big one – but not, I think, the biggest one – in my mind, this one is #3 on the list. Number two on the list is not having someone to talk to about this which ties right into the number one and biggest problem:

Finding someone to be bisexual with or, more to the point, someone to have sex with and on the other side of the fence. Ever since there were forums for discussing sex and sexuality, the one persistent question being asked has always been, “Why can’t I find someone I can do this with?” It put the question into my head of, “Well, why can’t you find someone you can do this with?” because even without the Internet, being able to run into someone who just might be just as eager, agreeable, and horny wasn’t really all that difficult if you, for the moment, exclude the angst over homosexuality; absent this, there were – and still are – a great many people who are sitting around and wanting to take the plunge for the first time or to dive back in for the first time in a long time… but making themselves available?

Yeah… let’s not and say we did.

I pour over the dynamic and compare then and now and as seen from my perspective while tying in everything else I’ve learned about this. I am really and seriously not joking or kidding when I say that, in earlier times, getting into some same-sex action was as easy as one person turning to the other person and asking, “Hey, have you ever done it with a boy/girl before?” and/or “Hey, do you wanna do it with me?” Three potential answers: No – that’s nasty! Then, “Okay, if you want to…” and finally, “Maybe – I don’t know.” Of course, those three possible responses depended on how someone would respond to them but you get the general idea, I hope.

It was just too easy because even if you didn’t know who you could ask, it was a sure bet that someone was gonna ask you and if you really wanted to have sex this way, the only questions remaining were when and where? What was kinda/sorta important but, eh, we can talk about that while we’re trying to figure out where we can go so we can do it and even then, the negotiations were kinda easy and there wasn’t much fuss over someone not doing a thing and even if they had something they didn’t want to do, many were open to giving it a try; the usual “I don’t know about that” thing was fucking (for the guys) because, as everyone knew, it really hurts going in but, then again, almost everyone sucked dick so even if fucking was off the table, well, you know.

And the only real concern was not getting caught in the act or, since this was a secret, there were people that you’d rather not want to find out that you had sex this way. Still, finding someone to have sex with was labor-intensive but not all that difficult… comparatively speaking. It was true that, provided you were old enough, you could walk into a gay bar in your birthday suit and no one would pay you one bit of attention except maybe to ask you what you wanted to drink. Or you could walk into a bar that wasn’t known to be a gay bar and someone would invariably hit on you and even if you weren’t looking for someone to have sex with. You could be almost anywhere and there was a great possibility that someone would get your attention and now you’re thinking about how to approach them to start a conversation or, if you were somewhere and minding your own business, someone would stroll up to you and strike up a conversation and either start dropping hints or, if they were bold enough, pop the question to you.

As time moved on, the question of “who can I find to do this with” remained at the top of the list and I’ll tell you what I found to be funny – in that ironic way – about this: I could be talking to a guy about this and reveal that I’m not against playing with a dick… and the guy I’m talking to would be going on and on about not being able to find another guy to have some kind of sex with…

And I wanted – needed – to find out why. The dynamic was moving away from its more simpler aspects: If you wanted to and I wanted to, well, let’s go do it. Guys, and I’d guess by association if nothing else, gals, were looking for a specific kind of person to be “really freaky” with. It wasn’t that there weren’t plenty of people who would be agreeable to sex in this way – it was now a question of who you could trust not to take you to bed and then go tell everyone who’d listen that they had you like that. Romantic interests weren’t that prevalent unless you ran into a gay person and sometimes not even then; some gay folks aren’t any different from anyone else: Sometimes, all they want to do is get laid and nothing more than that.

I’d hear a lot of both men and women talk about their desire and need to do this and how many times someone hit on them or tried to pick them up and sometimes how they’d learn that this one person they knew had the hots for them and had ever since they first met… but nothing would happen even though most of them were still waiting to be able to throw it down like this.

Why wouldn’t they engage? I was learning much about the other fears and I even understood that those fears, in and of themselves, were normal and to be expected even among the more experienced folks: Yes, they wanted to have sex but, more often than not, were too afraid of someone else finding out about it. Discretion fairly leaped to a higher level: It went from “I won’t tell if you won’t” to someone else finding out – and someone who wasn’t supposed to know – becoming almost a life or death kind of thing. Because I was hearing so much about what made people afraid in this, I was of a mind to downgrade not being able to find someone from it’s #1 position to somewhere further down the list because it wasn’t so much a thing of not being able to find someone but not being able to trust them.

And that trust extended to, even for guys, not wanting to be treated like a mere piece of ass. It was becoming clear to me that the people I heard complaining about not being able to find someone they could have sex with like this were creating long lists of conditions and qualifications and while there were still those who were out there hunting and being hunted, offers of sex were being rejected right and left because the person offering it didn’t meet the required and mandatory criteria, from body type to even more, ah, very detailed specifications. Somewhere around the 1990s, I had asked myself if it was my imagination or are people really doing their level best not to have the sex they want in this… and complaining about not being able to have sex like this?

Of course, by this time, HIV/AIDS was running rampant but, truth be told, it really wasn’t stopping anyone from having sex like this – it did make people a lot more cautious, though. You could still find someone… or they could find you and now it was a question of being “D&D free,” as the term emerged – drug and disease free. But the virus put a lot of fear into people and justifiably so and to the point where trust wasn’t so easily given or gained – and even with those one just might have known would be down like this.

So was not being able to find someone really the #1 and biggest problem? I would sit and peel this whole thing like the biggest onion ever and what I was beginning to see in those many layers was that, yeah – finding someone was still the biggest problem but the other layers were revealing that the person one would want to be able to find had to meet some very exacting criteria and specifications and even if they – and including themselves – could prove that they were D&D free by providing lab results… but that meant going to the doctor or to a clinic and asking to be tested for all known STIs and STDs… which meant that someone else would easily put two and two together and figure out why this specific testing was being created and despite doctor/patient confidentiality, everyone they knew was going to find out that they were getting some dick or getting some pussy in the way we’re not supposed to be getting it… but there came that one moment when HIV had been discovered to be not so much sexually transmitted and as evidenced by that married couple who both tested positive for HIV but neither of them had had sex outside of the marriage and sure as hell didn’t have sex in the same-sex mode.

Anyone could get it and in ways that, until this came along, from sources that were trustworthy and as simple as donating blood or going to the dentist or having some kind of surgical procedure done. It increased the health risk… but that didn’t mean that there still weren’t a slew of people out there looking to have sex in the same-sex way of things… because they’d always been out there and finding one of them became more of a trust issue and discretion, oddly enough, became even more paramount. The health thing was easily mitigated and minimized as condom usage skyrocketed and oral dams appeared on the scene. So it wasn’t like there weren’t preventative measures available because there were – and still are… but people were still going on about not being able to find someone to have the kind of sex they craved.

One of the things I learned along the way had to do with being able to sell something to someone and the trick of it was to be able to take whatever reason why a customer didn’t want to buy something and just get rid of it and my favorite was, “Well, I would but I need to talk to my wife/husband first…” and the keen salesman would say, “You can use my phone over here to call them and I’ll even talk to them for you!”

It is very damned effective; when you can counter someone’s objections in this way, chance are good that you’re gonna make the sale but, yeah – sometimes – not all objections could be made to disappear… and bisexuals looking for someone to have sex with could have all of their objections and resistance whittled away… and still not engage even when, at least on the surface, they no longer had a reason not to get naked and do the nasty in the way they wanted to.

It was very clear to me that “I can’t find anyone to do it with!” was a lot more complicated and, again, it made me wonder if people were deliberately making it damned near impossible for them to do what they wanted to do. There were still those fears and with being outed and catching something often exchanging places as far as priorities went but did that mean that there was really no one out there they could have sex with… or was there something else going on? Come to find out that there really wasn’t anything else going on other than a greatly increased sense of “self-preservation” when it came to not letting anyone else find out that they were having sex against the rules and I’m not even talking about infidelity at this point.

The specter of being fingered – no pun this time – as being gay was still hanging around and, admittedly, while gays were publicly fighting the good fight for their right to their human rights, well, yeah – they weren’t exactly doing bisexuals any favors. We were being driven further underground and while many were not of a mind to stick their heads up and get noticed, it wasn’t as if those who were looking to have sex like this couldn’t figure out how to get it done… as long as they didn’t get caught and/or outed. It still wasn’t a matter of not being able to find someone… it was now becoming a matter of finding the “right” someone. Not only the right someone but under some very specific “qualifications,” conditions, situations, and even scenarios.

I got to thinking, “No wonder so many people are whining about not being able to find someone… because the person they have in mind seems to only exist in their mind or they haven’t been born yet or they’re somewhere else in the world!” Then I was observing a whole lot of people speaking to how badly they needed to be sexually active in this way… and many of them were doing nothing toward making it happen. I learned that one of the favorite groups of preferred same-sex partners were… married people but even I knew that the worst possible situation was being bisexual and married and, yep, who doesn’t know that one of the raps against bisexuals is that they’re serial cheaters? Lots of angst about infidelity but even with this, it did not mean that there wasn’t someone out there who wasn’t interested in doing the deed and even on the DL.

I would be seeing people start to speak more about why they couldn’t – or wouldn’t – do what they also said they very much wanted to do but not be of a mind to talk about how they could make it happen for themselves. I’m not suggesting that those in a relationship just go out there and cheat on their partners but I’m the guy who will tell you that people do it and for this reason alone… and there’s even some funny stuff about this: There are some folks who really believe that if you have sex with someone who’s the same sex as you are and outside of the relationship, it’s not really cheating.

This finding someone thing was now horribly complicated and, again, more of that very odd thing where many folks would speak to their need to be bisexual and even sexually active in this way… but coming up with every reason they could think of – real or imagined – for why they shouldn’t, wouldn’t, and couldn’t. The thought crossed my mind that if it’s really true that bisexuals tend to suffer from depression “more than anyone else,” – and I don’t think it’s the whole truth of things – it’s not because social things were responsible but because of the fear of being outed and seen as being gay and otherwise convincing themselves that it is just too impossible for them to do what every part of their very being has been screaming at them to do. It is very depressing to want to be able to do something and not be able to do it… and even more depressing when you create the environment which adds to the chance of being very depressed.

I’d never say that the people who are going on about not being able to find someone aren’t justified where their reasons for not doing what they want to do is concerned because they are and whatever concerns them is very real to them even if no one else thinks so. Someone can sit down and offer up in exacting detail all of the reasons why they can’t go get the pussy/dick they need in this… but very few of them can tell you what, if anything, they can do toward this goal or to answer a question I often ask them: “Well, what can you do about it… and are you even trying?” If there’s something that I’ve found to be true, it’s something someone once told me: If it’s something you really want and need to do, you’ll find a way to do it.

And what I’m learning these days is that some folks really are making this harder than it has to be; not without reason, mind you, but go back to that thing I mentioned about removing any or all obstacles in order to make the sale and some folks can’t find someone they can do this with, not because there’s no one out there, but because they really do make it damned near impossible for them to do it, that and many are sitting on their asses and doing absolutely nothing – and waiting for that very right person just to show up and give them that thrill of a lifetime and in the exact and precise way they’ve imagined it to be.

So the biggest and #1 problem really isn’t not being able to find someone to do this with: It’s not wanting to do the work that’s required to find that someone or, really, anyone. Again, it’s not that folks in this quandary don’t have legitimate reasons for remaining on the bench… but if you knew about those reason like I know about them – because I see them every day – maybe you’d ask them, “Well, what are you doing about it?” because a lot of their reasons can be resolved and that includes those people already in a relationship; they think it can’t be done (and shouldn’t be done) but I’m here to tell you that it can be done because a whole lot of people are doing it.

I am learning that once someone convinces themselves that it can’t be done, you’re just not going to be able to change their mind about it: This is, once again, the “Yeah, but…” portion of the program. Many of the people who say they can’t find someone have issues with casual sex and they require a setting where there is only relationship-like sex; many have a great fear of “the stranger” and I get that… except the stranger is only a stranger because you don’t know anything about them and, yeah, that’s just too much trouble for many to be bothered with. I mean, shit: Once upon a time, the people you know now were once strangers to you (excluding family members).

The dynamic has made a dramatic shift from being about the sex to being about much more than that… and I’m not really surprised by this turn of events but, yeah, it baffles me at times because while there are a growing number of “relationship-minded” bisexuals out there, there is still a great many people who are not relationship-minded; they, too, want to do the nasty with someone and they are, indeed, safe and discreet enough to do it and there’s no evil intent at all. But many of the “I can’t find anyone” gang has managed to convince themselves that if they have a casual hookup, not only is it fucked up but they’re instantly going to be infected with all manners of diseases and, as such, they’ve convinced themselves that they will be safer doing things in a relationship mode or way… and they’re wrong about that and because, as I point out to some guys, do you really know where your FWB’s dick has been when it’s out of your sight?

There’s a greater push and demand for exclusivity and I don’t think that, at the root of it, the disease card has a whole lot to do with this… but the “one man/one woman” mandate has a lot to do with it although, oddly enough, folks who are in a relationship and looking to take a trip to the other side sees the sense in not looking at things in this way; a guy or a gal can be very married or otherwise hooked up with someone and to have sex with someone else is an exception to the rule if involved with a single person and even more of an exception if they, too, are in a relationship. In actuality, exclusivity is a non-issue but still seen as a requirement; “Joe” can get a pass for having sex with his wife… but he’d better not be having sex with other men.

People are losing their minds about not being able to find someone because they are, in fact, making it almost impossible to do just that. Instead of them looking at why they’ve not had sex this way and then sit down and figure out how to make it happen, they seem to be content to just keep creating reasons for why they can’t and, again, whether they’re real or it’s their imagination going bat-shit crazy over it all. True enough, there are a lot of people who just aren’t looking to get their cookies handed to them in this way; they’re happy and content to know that they’re bisexual and none of the sex is required and just talking about it works for them.

And I’m not talking about them. It’s all those people who aren’t doing what they want to do and because, according to them, there’s no one to do it with. Sure… one might not want to jump all over the first proposition presented to them and it is prudent to, at the least, know something about the person trying to get into your underwear/panties which has the effect of removing spontaneity from the equation. They go on and on about chemistry and attraction and more than I’ve ever heard at any other time and, please, don’t get me wrong but I really do understand how important these aspects are to people but as I’ve been saying to a lot of people who can’t find someone, you don’t have to be “in love” with them or anything like that: You just have to find a way to like them enough to have sex with them and, really, if you’re not going to do anything to help yourself in this very worthy cause, is there a point in complaining about it?

Is it really a thing of not being able to find anyone… or more of a thing of not wanting to find someone? It’s a this point where I feel compelled to explain why I’m even writing about this:

Bisexuality has become such a hot button topic of discussion; lots of people are all caught up in the “drama” of acceptance and, I’d say, “needlessly” trying to define what they think bisexuality “really” is. If people aren’t losing their minds in this way, they’re most certainly losing them over the obvious fact that some of the sex a bisexual can have is, in fact, in deed, and hands down homosexual sex and I don’t care how one cares to spin it – that’s what it is – but, okay, we are still dealing with the specter of the angst toward homosexuality and in any form. But even with all of this going on and being talked about, few people ever talk about why things are the way they are, from why people are turning to bisexuality and what are the problems and issues for why people are turning to bisexuality and, apparently, having such a hard time finding someone to be bisexual with.

Tons of apps and websites for this for both men and women and the biggest complaint here is all the fakes and flakes that pervade these sources and constant gripes about people not being willing to meet or agreeing to meet and then doing a no-show/no-call thing. I really don’t know what they’re thinking about this but if they thought that it was really that easy these days, they are really and truly mistaken than and there has always been this kind of… mindset that if “Joe” is willing to do something, then everyone Joe might contact is also willing to do something and there is absolutely, positively no reason or excuse not to get together and get naked, sweaty, and funky.

The truth is that there are a lot of very willing and decent people… if you’re gonna be of a mind to take the time to sort through what’s available and, yeah, do enough due diligence to weed out the flakes, fakes, and others who might not be your idea of the right person to get your freak on with. Even those who complain about the cluster fuck apps and websites present ask about other ways to find someone and I don’t know about them but there’s only one other way: Get out there and look and, yeah, get out there so you can be seen. I get it – we can be weirded out about someone coming over to us and hitting on us but if you wanted to know how to find someone, well, if someone has hit on you, did you not just find someone and all you had to do was be where they could see you? Hell… even I expect to be eyeballed and maybe even approached every time I leave my home.

You just never know who’s gonna be interested in you or who you might find interesting. Guys – and probably more than the ladies, I guess – always want to know how to, one, tell if a guy might be interested or, two, what kind of signs they should be looking for or giving and I can understand that… except, um, in order to pick up on some signs or be in a position to give them, you gotta be somewhere – damned near anywhere – in order to see what’s going on. The pandemic notwithstanding, if you’re looking for someone to do the deed with and you are not doing anything – and I do mean anything – toward finding someone or someone finding you…

What the hell are you bitching about… and why are you bitching? If you’ve set the bar so high that no one can reach it, guess what’s never going to happen? If you let your fears run the show – and fears that can be dealt with in some way so as not to be so fearful – you aren’t going to find anyone, they aren’t gonna find you, and you’re never going to get the sex you want being bisexual. I have three criteria: Be old enough to legally consent to sex, be clean and healthy, and not be my idea of an asshole. Otherwise, let’s talk and part of my idea of being an asshole includes not wanting to take the time to talk to me; if you don’t have the time to get to know even a little about me – and tell me some stuff about yourself – you don’t have the time to be trying to get me to play with your dick. Oh – and don’t try to bullshit me because, well, that’s been tried before and it fails; this ain’t my first rodeo, after all, and I can play that game as well as or better than other guys can because, lest you forget, I am a guy, too.

I share this with others and they do the “Yeah, but…” thing a lot because, I dunno, they just have it in their head to make it harder to have sex than to make it easier for that to happen and, no, I haven’t gathered enough information to say why a lot of people are like this. Thus, they can’t find someone because they make it hard to find someone and this remains, at least for now, the biggest problem with being bisexual but it’s a problem that, like an onion, has a lot of layers that surround its core.

With all that I’ve learned, I’m still learning and, honesty, what I’m learning is both encouraging in that more and more people are of a mind to be bisexual and “disappointing” because more and more people aren’t doing what can be done to make their dreams, hopes, and even fantasies become reality.

 

Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: In the Case of Society vs Bisexuality…

…it is my heart-felt thought and opinion that society is losing which, honestly, doesn’t surprise me one bit since its epic failure to eradicate homosexuality is pretty damned obvious. We go on and on about what bisexuality is and how it’s supposed to be and look like and many have morphed the definition of bisexuality to fit their own sensibilities and on the topic of coming out, well, the jury’s still very much out on that one.

Society is losing their case against bisexuality because it hasn’t yet learned that people are going to have sex or otherwise be intimate with each other and no matter what restrictions and prohibitions are in place to prevent them from doing whatever they wanna do and whomever they wanna do it with. Indeed, the best society can do in presenting their case is to rehash a lot of the same oratory it used in their attempt to eradicate homosexuality.

Many feel that our morality – and as it currently exists – is being destroyed and the, ah, more religiously inclined are pretty much soiling themselves as more and more people become of a mind to not give a lot of weight to what’s being preached at the altar; it’s not to say that anyone isn’t without faith or belief in a higher power… they’re just not buying what the preacher man has to say about sex and sexuality; that and it’s clear and obvious that it continually and consistently fails to stop people from doing what they need to do in this.

I wrote, a few days ago, about the push for more social acceptance of bisexuality while also pointing out that people are being – and becoming – bisexual without that acceptance many feel is so very necessary and there’s nothing new about this but, as I’ve said, I have the advantage of having been very damned bisexual and way before any of this controversial crap showed up. We had two things that were of importance to us: I won’t tell if you won’t and don’t get caught. Lots of riffing these days about bisexuals being invisible but I’m not sure if the people who are riffing about this really understand why bisexuals are flying far under the radar… and the answer is actually simple and, if folks had been paying attention to history, they’d know the answer:

The great angst against homosexuality drove bisexuality into the realm of shadows. In the days of my youth, to be called a queer was absolutely, positively, not a good thing; even being falsely accused of being queer was character assassination of the highest order and traumatizing, both emotionally and physically since, yeah – calling someone a queer was fighting words… and even if the person being tagged as queer was, in fact, queer as a three-dollar bill (and as we used to say back then).

When I became aware of the fact that bisexuals were some homosexual’s “favorite food,” well, things didn’t always go as well as the gay folks had hoped since many of them were looking for lovers and even partners… but expecting bisexuals to give up their heterosexual side to be wholly homosexual… and a lot of bisexuals weren’t even trying to hear any of that so if you’re wondering where all that shit about bisexuals being confused, liars and cheaters, and being unable to commit to one person, well, let’s just say it wasn’t a sentiment fostered by straight folks so much.

You add this on to the then-ongoing battle against homosexuality and it should surprise no one that bisexuals, out of necessity, took things to the DL for what I feel are two reasons. One was to dodge being mislabeled as being gay… and the other was, simply, it wasn’t anyone else’s business who they were having sex with and how they were doing it. True enough; the homosexual angst made a lot of bisexuals literally straighten up and given the amount of shit – and some of it very bad and fatal – homosexuals were going through but for many more bisexuals, well, all that shit wasn’t going to stop or prevent them from being the kind of person they needed to be and it sure as hell wasn’t going to stop them from having sex.

And, today, it still isn’t stopping those who care to indulge in this dual way of indulging. It doesn’t matter so much why so many people are turning toward bisexuality since there are more reasons than Campbell’s got beans… but it does matter that people are turning in a bisexual direction and the only acceptance and permission they need is, first, from themselves and, second, from those they want and hope to interact with. Or, if we don’t mind, it doesn’t matter… and I won’t tell if you won’t… and for many, “I don’t give a fuck who knows that I’m bisexual – it ain’t none of the damned business to begin with!”

Change in this has been happening all along but glacially slow and, well, people are of a mind not to sit on their cute asses and wait for the change to complete itself and become “official” and a non-issue. The mindset is kinda like, “If not now, when?” and many folks are coming to the conclusion that there’s no better time than right now and many say that it’s better late than never. Over our entire existence as a species, we have downplayed and, um, cock and cunt-blocked our need and desire for sex and so much that it was deemed to be necessary to provide a direction for our appetites for sex and, specifically, where making babies was concerned which, way, way, back in the earliest days of our existence, yep – not a whole lot of us back then and life-expectancy was stupidly low; between the environment and illnesses and hunting things that saw us as food – and as we were looking at them – something had to be done to not so much stop people from having sex but, again, to direct that energy toward making more people…

And it stuck. It’s still sticking to us and we continue to believe and hold true that anything that isn’t boy/girl only is wrong, immoral, and a direct threat to the continued existence of the species… and it never really was. I’ve said that those folks back then could not envision that there would come a day when people could, in fact, have babies without having sex at all. We learned how to do it and we perfected being able to do it… yet, we continue to be bound by a mindset that is sorely outdated. Society continues to fight against anyone and anything not heterosexual… and its been fighting a losing battle and ever since the battle was first waged and even the threat and reality of putting people to death did nothing to stop people from not being straight.

We have consistently failed to learn from history and where sex itself is concerned, eh, we’re not as grown up as we like to think we are. We accept that we have this… built-in imperative to have sex and, yeah, men more than women but we got so funny about it and, of course, we are even funnier when sex happens outside of the mandates that remain in place that says who we can have sex with, when we can, and even why we can… and doing it just because it’s a fun thing to do is also prohibited.

It just hasn’t ever stopped people from having sex and it sure as fuck hasn’t stopped people from doing it in very non-heterosexual ways… or even in the bisexual way. It’s not as if we, on the whole, do not know this because we do; otherwise, why are we pitching a royal bitch about this? Easy answer: We’re made to be too institutionalized in the way it’s supposed to be and kinda whistling in the dark and ignoring the elephant in the room because the way it’s supposed to be has never been the only way to get it done.

In essence, the famous/infamous Moral Majority has lost whatever control they had over our sexual behaviors; not only that but humans are oddly adverse to change; I often hear stuff from people who believe that the way things were back in the 1950s was – and still is – the best way for us to be and as evidenced by a TV show: Leave it to Beaver, most notably. It exemplified the “ideal” way of life but was really a bit of a coverup because there were some aspects about the 1950s that no one wanted to talk about, let alone acknowledge as being very real like, oh, wife-swapping and something that became suburbia’s dirty little secret… and bisexuality was all up in that mix, too.

Do you really believe that those worthy housewives back then, when they got together, were playing bridge and trading recipes or talking about that book they were all reading… and the book wasn’t War and Peace? Even I wouldn’t – and didn’t – believe that when the fellas got together, say, to go fishing that all that was being caught was fish since, um, it gets kinda lonely at that remote fishing hole…

Just sayin’.

So while the battle against homosexuality was out in the open and all that, bisexuals were literally on the DL and, again, for no other reason than to not get caught up in the war against homosexuality. Today, we see the DL as being the most awful and worst place to be… and only because our morality, if nothing else, demands that we see it that way but the truth is that the DL has always been with us and for the sole purpose of not letting everyone know what you were doing and that could be anything and, yes, including sex… any kind of sex and orientation didn’t matter one damned bit.

It’s simple: If you don’t want “everybody” being all up in your business, you just make sure that no one gets all up in your business: No matter what it was you were doing under the radar, the watch phrase of “I won’t tell if you won’t” remains valid, even today and more so when it’s been proven that there are some behaviors that our very moral society just frown upon, from acts of infidelity… to men and women getting together to have sex in the approved… and non-approved way.. Dicks were being sucked and pussies were being eaten; asses were being fucked and fingers being inserted where needed… and not always in the straight way of things and, you betcha: The less people knew about those other ways, the better. What someone suspected and what could be proven just wasn’t – and isn’t – the same thing.

If it serves a bisexual’s purpose in life not to let a whole lot of people know that they’re bisexual, well, it’s a choice they’ve made for themselves and one I don’t think should be up for debate since, through any of this, who we’re having sex with still ain’t nobody else’s business. If you know the history of the war against homosexuality, it’s not that difficult to see that society is in the process of losing their “war” against bisexuality; the battle of words is just tired, dogmatic rhetoric and throwing the dreaded disease card onto the pile isn’t anything new, either. What is to note, you know, if you paid any attention to history, is that none of the shit being used against bisexuals worked against homosexuals and if it did anything, it drove homosexuals deep under the radar, too.

And continues to do so. Society is losing – again. Some even say that society was fated to lose the moment they started this war. Or, to scramble up something Thanos said, “It is inevitable…” Thanos, if you saw the movie, actually said that he was inevitable and, well, we know how that turned out for him – and twice at that. The first time, Thor corrected the mistake he made and went for the head and the second time, Tony Stark snapped his ass out of existence.

We’ve just not learned that trying to stop people from (a) having sex and (b) trying to stop them from having sex in the unapproved ways – is futile and a great waste of time and energy. But I guess we wouldn’t be human if we didn’t wage wars and fight battles that we have no real chance of winning and this particular war? Yeah – they’re losing and badly. No matter what’s being said, people are getting their sexual – and sexuality – freak on. It exposes a flaw in the way we think: Just because you don’t believe that it should be done doesn’t ever mean that it’s not being done anyway.

And a lot of bisexuals just don’t give a flying fuck what you believe, to be blunt about it. It’s well known that bisexuals are said to be in denial about some shit when the reality says that, um, it’s not us who’s in denial – it’s everyone who doesn’t believe that bisexuality is real or, again, that no one should be anything but straight. This is one of those things in life that no matter how much you try to prove that it isn’t what it really is, the more clear it becomes that it is exactly what it is; again and otherwise, what’s all the fuss about?

The “bad” part is that even thought society is well aware that they’re losing – again – its not just gonna wave the white flag, give up, or roll over and show its belly and that, too, is an interesting flaw in our collective mindset: Some of us just do not know or can accept that we’ve been beaten and defeated, that nothing we’ve tried to do to head off or otherwise prevent sex and intimacy from happening this way has worked… or is gonna work. Fear tactics works on some folks… but not everyone and more so when a lot of bisexuals do learn that there’s really not a whole lot to be afraid of and the risks that inherent in sex can be mitigated if not eliminated. The latest strategy has been to drive a gigantic wedge between bisexual men and women and, get this: Some of the women who are pitching a royal bitch about male bisexuals are, themselves, bisexual.

We are being portrayed as a threat to their very lives and it’s implied that we will, without any doubt or lack of certainty, infect them and as a matter of course. Truth is, sadly, it happens but sex and disease has always been some very strange bedfellows and a part of the human condition.

The thing here is that bisexuals really aren’t as stupid, mindless, and careless as folks are being led to believe and it doesn’t take having a Mensa-level IQ to figure out how to be very damned bisexual and being safe, too, so it’s not that bisexuals are ignoring the risks so much as they’re doing whatever they can to protect themselves and those who’d interact with them even though, again with sadness, some are not so focused in this way. Having said that, even this isn’t stopping people from being or discovering bisexuality and whether one is single or very married isn’t doing much to stop things from going down this way and more so when a lot of people in a relationship are discovering that “keeping only unto yourself” ain’t working and, yeah, bisexuality is and/or can be the thing they’ve been missing in their lives and the thing that makes them not only sexually satisfied but makes them whole and complete as a person.

Without acceptance or “permission,” the rules are being changed by those who have and see the reason to change them… and many go about being bisexuality without that acceptance and permission because, one, this is their life and no one is gonna tell them how to live it… and it still ain’t any of your motherfucking business who I/we are sleeping with and if you don’t like it, all you can do is not like it… and ya might not want to get all up in my/our face about it unless you find getting your feelings hurt enjoyable.

Society lost the war against homosexual; they are losing the war against bisexual and that loss is… inevitable. It’s not to say that “everyone” is gonna be bisexual – it just really ain’t for everyone – but for those who have reason to believe it’s gonna work for them? Yeah… it’s gonna happen because it’s always been happening even if you can’t really see it happening. We are proving, once again, that those who fail to learn from history are doomed to repeat it and we continue to, on the whole, let that which we believe – or want to believe – blind us to the truth of what we can be if, again, it suits our purposes to be. We can be straight… or bi… or gay and even gender reassignment doesn’t really change anything where sex and sexuality are concerned.

People are still gonna say, “I’d never do anything like that!” Some will, perhaps, grudgingly say that they tried it and didn’t find it to their liking and maybe they might check it out again or they just won’t. It’s always been a matter of personal choice, you know, just in case you really believe that choice has nothing to do with this. Many more will emphatically state that they they just don’t believe in such behaviors and it’s their right not to believe it.

And.

It.

Changes.

Nothing.

People who are bisexual are gonna keep being bisexual even if they’re not having any of the sex that’s possible; there are people who are, at the very moment I’m writing this and you’re reading it, are discovering that being bisexual ain’t as bad as they thought or believed it would be. Wait for acceptance? Who feels like doing that? Come out and tell everyone that you’re bisexual? Ain’t none of their fucking business if you are or aren’t. Bisexuality should follow the same rules as heterosexuality does and mandates? Relationship only and only with one person and no one else can be involved and/or invited.

Shit… you’re kidding, right? We ain’t never did anything by the rules so why start now and then why try to impose a set of rules that has also been proven not to work the way they said they do?

Society is in the process of taking another “L” and that’s gotta suck for them but they are losing just the same. Again. Never really stood a chance of winning. to be blunt about it. We want and need sex and the reasons, eh, don’t matter so much… but getting the sex we need does matter and there’s not just one single way to go about it – and we’ve proven that already…

The defense rests.