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Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: Confused

Yeah. Confused. One of the things people have been saying about bisexuals and for as long as I can remember. As with many stereotypes and misconceptions, there’s a measure of truth to this because discovering that you might be bisexual is, in fact, pretty damned confusing since, you know, you’re straight and have been… but your thoughts and feelings aren’t so straight as they’re supposed to be or as you think they should be.

It’s quite the shock to one’s system, to put it mildly. It’ll make you not only question yourself but pretty much everything you’ve ever believed in. It’ll get you so deep inside your own head that, for some, it becomes a big distraction since what you’re feeling ain’t jiving with what you “know” about yourself or, hmm, what you thought you knew about yourself.

Contrary to what’s being said, bisexuals aren’t really confused about “really being gay” and it’s not that they aren’t really aware of how straight they are but feeling this pull in both directions is, well, confusing. I’ve always felt that bisexuals get the “confused” tag slapped on them because of the belief that people are either straight or gay and, well, that’s bullshit and always has been. But since this can be such a shock to one’s system, sure – it’s gets very confusing trying to figure out why they’re feeling the way they are, scouring their brains to find that one thing that might explain this… and then not being able to latch onto anything that really makes sense.

Social opinion about this only adds to the initial confusion – that pick a side and stay on it crap and the mindset that there’s nothing between being straight and gay. We know this; we’ve heard this and, worse, we believe it… well, until this happens to you, huh? I couldn’t begin to put into words what goes on inside someone’s head because it’s pretty harrowing to find out that, in a way, you’re not what you thought yourself to be.

One can flex their mental muscles to ignore the confusion, to push it to the back of their minds and many do succeed in doing this but they find that, eh, it really doesn’t go away so much; it’s “jumping up and down” to get your attention and will keep doing it until you address it – to either acknowledge it or to continue to suppress it. But here’s the thing…

It usually doesn’t take one all that long to say to themselves, “I’m bisexual!” and that’s a pretty tough admission to make given that your feelings don’t seem to be lying to you even if your mind ain’t agreeing so much. But, yeah, the agreement is reached and now many move on to the next thing which is trying to figure out and decide what to do about this.

That’s another kettle of fish but, yep, many do find that the side they picked is the one in the middle – and thus endeth the confusion… for them. For everyone else? Way too easy to believe that bisexuals are always in a constant state of confusion than it is to accept that if someone says they’re bisexual, um, they’re not confused about that – they’ve gotten past this hurdle already.

Again, thought, it’s said that we can’t make up our minds about whether we want to be with women or men – in the opposite sex mode of things; some even insist that since we can’t make up our minds, our attractions and such should be split down the middle or however a guy feels about women should be the same way he feels about men. I’m not gonna say that this is impossible but I will say that it’s unrealistic to think that bisexuals are 50/50 like that… and that the only people who believe this are people who have no clue about what being bisexual is, let alone what it means.

As a life-long bisexual, the only thing that confuses me is why people think the way they do about it or, really, why they continue to think this way and given the much greater exposure bisexuality has been given. Then again – and like I said previously – it’s just easier for some folks to believe in the “hype” that bisexuals are confused and all that other shit that, also again, has been said.

If anyone is confused, it ain’t us. Many of us do go through that very confusing “What the fuck is going on with me?” part of the program. Hell, some of us even get into some denial – but that’s to be expected since one has been strolling through life being straight… and now they’re not so straight and even if only inside their own minds. Nah – there’s no way I’m bisexual! But the fog of confusion eventually clears – sometimes quickly, sometimes it takes x-amount of time – and try as they might, they can’t deny what their feelings have been telling them and once this part is over, the confusion goes away with it.

I’m bisexual. Who knew? Damn! Now it’s on to the “what do I do” part and it’s… optional. Do or do not. Either you can or you just can’t. Confused? No, not any more and, yes, some people are very intuitive about themselves and are able to avoid the high level of confusion or, “I’m bi? Hmm… how about that! Okay!” Nope – it’s not really that simple but fairly close since many who discover this just take it in stride and/or they’re of a mind that it’s easier for them to accept their feelings and thoughts as valid right up front – then, at their leisure, give some thought about how they got to this point and, for many, there’s no real confusion.

And certainly not the kind bisexuals have been accused of. The myths, stereotypes, and misconceptions are a real bitch to be confronted with. Some truth to them… but mostly bullshit and bullshit created by people who are too… hidebound in their thinking and beliefs about sex and sexuality. Ask someone, “Do you think it’s possible for someone to go both ways?” and you’ll probably get that, “Yeah, but…” thing – and if they don’t come right out and say that it’s not possible.

Methinks bisexuals ain’t the ones who are confused.

 
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Posted by on 18 June 2020 in Today's Bisexual Thoughts

 

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Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: Indescribable

Some of the most interesting conversations about bisexuality come up when someone is trying to describe what their bisexual means to them and what this or that feels like and/or what doing this or that means to them.

You can have the most expansive vocabulary you can bring to bear and most people can’t tell you much more than “it feels good.” It’s not that they don’t really know but a lot of the things that can be experienced are more like… impressions, intangible things that flow through our minds that we’re aware of but trying to put those things into words?

Incredibly difficult. Hard to do without sometimes sounding like you’ve lost your mind and, indeed, have no level of mastery over language at all. Oh, yeah – I’ve found myself devoting a lot of time trying to describe the indescribable, both to myself and others because it stands to reason that someone is going to ask what this feels like or what that feels like or what are you thinking and feeling about being bisexual in the first place.

Sexual experiences along these lines are unique and subjective even when one pretty much does the same things as a matter of course but that makes sense given that just because we often tend to think that all bisexuals feel and experience the same things. While we can talk among ourselves and agree that we like this, don’t like that, and find some… commonality in our individual experiences, asking someone to explain what they’re feeling and/or thinking when they’re sucking cock usually tends to result in a lot of “gibberish” being said… and finally being simplified to, “It feels good.”

Oh, and try to put words to any of this without sounding pornographic. For a while, I wrote a lot of erotica (and actually got paid for it!) and one of the things I found to be difficult wasn’t writing about the physicality of sex – it was capturing the thoughts and emotions of sex. I’d sit at the keyboard and get my characters to the point where they’re gonna have sex and I’d be reminded of something my editor told me during the first proof of the book I wrote: “There’s only so many ways you can describe how to put A into B, C, or D!”

The key, I was told and advised, was to be able to put the emotion, the thoughts and feelings of it all before, during, and after the fact… and trying to do that would often have me with my fingers on the keyboard… and just being there because I realized that I was trying to put into words some things for which there are no real words for.

It defies being described and, um, no, having a wealth of sexual experiences under my belt didn’t – and still doesn’t – work as well as they probably should contribute toward trying to describe what something feels like or what’s the more deeper meaning connected with doing this or that. It’s not that no one – and regardless to sexuality – doesn’t know this…

It’s damned near impossible to accurately put it into words. The guys on the forum have been responding to this question: “What does anal mean to you?” You should see how everyone is trying to put into words what this means to them and how many have replied that it feels good, they like it, don’t like it, or they can’t wait to experience it.

It’s not that their sentiments are invalid because they really aren’t… but if you were reading the responses and trying to “make sense” of it in your own head, yeah – you’d find out pretty quick that, again, there are no words to describe a lot of this whether you’ve actually done it or waiting to do it.

Then most people try to do this as a high level kind of thing, attempting to take everything they’ve thought and felt – with or without experience – and trying to condense it into one line of expression… and they usually find that anything they’ve written is, at best, incomplete and isn’t specific to any one moment in time. Why? Because our minds are designed to take very complex things and simplify them and to the best we’re able to do so.

Hence the usual answer of, “It feels good.”

One question that gets asked – and re-asked – is what does it feel like when a guy cums in your mouth? For those who know about this, yeah, you should see them trying to put it into words and to capture – and put into words – whatever they’re thinking and feeling at that moment… and I feel their “pain” because even as good as I am with words and writing, I often feel like a dummy trying to explain it even though I know exactly what I’m thinking and feeling. You find that you wind up pushing your vocabulary to its limits and, yeah, even consulting a theasaurus for more adjectives doesn’t help a whole lot because, again, there are things that you think and feel for which there are no words in any language that are even close to being able to provide a description; there aren’t that many adjectives to really explain joy or disappointment or excitement or even ecstacy.

It feels good. It makes me feel good. Indescribable and so much that, at best, these are the two things that are just easier to say or write. Ask someone why they’re bisexual and many can tell you how they came to be bisexual and even what they did (if they did anything at all); try to dig deeper and, well, watch or listen to someone start to trip all over themselves trying to find and put this into words and then in as few words as possible.

I ain’t saying that it can’t be done – I’m just saying it’s an incredibly difficult thing to do and so much that merely saying, “It feels good!” or “It makes me feel good! feels so… inadequate. Inaccurate. Not the thing one wants to really convey.

Because there are no words to describe the intangible things and the things that are “smoky” impressions that one’s mind can have a very hard time grasping and holding onto, let alone struggle to find words that, again, accurately describes them… other than “it feels good.” What does it feel like to be fucked? First, pack a lunch because this gonna take a while and then don’t get frustrated or anything like that when the person you ask says some shit that doesn’t seem to make a whole lot of sense and so much that even in your mind – and before they say it – you’re gonna think, “It must feel good… I guess.”

And I think we narrow it down to “it feels good” because trying to describe it is, might be, and can be an exercise in futility… yet, we try to do it because, when trying to explain to someone why you’re bisexual, you also have to be able to speak to what you’re thinking and feeling about this and why you’re thinking and feeling the way you do.

Shit… even I’ve condensed it down to, “Because I am.” Yeah… that’s really informative, isn’t it? I’m sitting here typing this and, in the background, I know what my mind is doing and it’s very busy trying to find the words for what I’m typing. You’d think that since I’ve had a lifetime being bisexual, this wouldn’t be so difficult… yet, it is… and I know why it is… yet I continue to attempt to describe the indescribable even to myself.

This… thing is probably the one thing that lends itself to bisexuality – and bisexuals – not being understood all that well because we can’t really explain our thoughts and feelings with any degree of accuracy and wind up simplifying things in few words and words that may be helpful or leave someone with more questions than answers.

And it’s probably why even bisexuals talk more about what they do (or what they wanna do) than they do what they think and feel about being bisexual. People wanna believe that we’re all the same and we really aren’t because the thing that makes us all different and unique is how we’re feeling and thinking and at any given moment in time. Again, it’s not that we don’t know…

We just have one hell of a time trying to describe the indescribable. We – and including myself – wind up saying or writing things like “it feels good” because, well, it does, but that’s really the best we can do. It’s like, duh, um, it must feel good because if it didn’t, you wouldn’t do it so there has to be more to it than just that.

There is. Just don’t ask me to explain it to you in exacting and precise detail. I can’t do it but I sure try to even though I often wind up sounding like I don’t know for sure. I do know. I just suck at finding the words to express those things that, for newbie bisexuals, would be of great assistance to them. And that’s also why, I think, a lot of bisexuals spend a lot of time being introspective; it’s not that they’re trying to explain any of this to others:

They’re trying to explain it to themselves. They know it. They know why. Continually defies explanation. It feels good and it make me feel good. It’s how I feel. It makes sense. I just am. I do this or that because I can and I want to. Not very helpful is it?

That’s about the size of it.

 
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Posted by on 16 June 2020 in Today's Bisexual Thoughts

 

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Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: Why Group Sex?

I’ve heard this question a lot: Why is it that when someone is bisexual, the first thing they think of is a threesome (or some other form of group sex)? A lot of people hear “threesome” and get pretty freaked out about it and, yep, some hear it and they’re all for it. Some of this is all about how they believe sex is supposed to be done – one-on-one and definitely no witnesses and for many, group sex is pretty scary and for some can conjure up some even more scary shit in their mind and, sure, being self-conscious about some stuff will lend itself to avoiding any kind of group sex like the plague.

But is there a reason for this group sex thing? I think there is and I don’t expect anyone to agree with what I’m about to say but for a lot of people – including bisexuals – participating in group sex is the ultimate in sexual expression. One of the things I learned early on was that when one says, “Okay… I’m bisexual!” it almost literally opens their mind about sex, going from what it’s supposed to be and expanding to include all of the possibilities… and group sex is one of them.

It’s not so much to put their bisexuality on display as it is a chance to put their changed attitude and thoughts about sex not only on display but being able to shed their previous thoughts about having sex and as proof that they’re as open about sex as they think and even feel that they are.

Now, it’s not that all bisexuals want to try this on for size; not all bisexuals will bring the subject up but a lot do think and fantasize about it. It’s kinda “forbidden” in that “sex is only between two people” way and many people say that until you’ve had some kind of group sex, you really haven’t had sex. Opinions in this differ, of course, and many people ain’t feeling this because, just like everything else in sex, there are horror stories out the wazoo about how these things go wrong and sometimes terribly wrong.

Well, that’s usually because we don’t know how to have sex with more than one person and, yes – you actually have to learn how to. For some it’s “easy” while for others, well, to say “not so much” is a gross understatement. Between what we believe about having sex, our experiences and, yup, the horror stories, being a participant in group sex is, again, pretty scary for a lot of people and even for those who’d say, “I’d try it, but…” and following the “but” is a long list of why they wouldn’t, from believing “it’s not right” to being very self-conscious thinking about their bodies… and the fact that there’s going to be other people watching them being vulnerable having sex.

Shudder. The horror of it all. What are people gonna think about me? Well, on that one, um, unless you or someone else kisses and tells, how is anyone else gonna find out? But the concern is valid since it’s said that people who have sex like this are sluts and dogs and shamefully so. I know a lot of people who will tell you straight up how much they love sex… but mention group sex to them… and watch them backpedal.

Let me get this out of the way and I’m going to also say that I’m not even trying to offend anyone so don’t take this the wrong way but a lot of women will not get into group sex because of their fear of being raped and, yes, I’ve heard women say this and it is understandable because one guy going at them is okay… but two or maybe more guys? Oh, hell, no! What are guys like in this? Well, there’s the “homo” thing and then given how territorial we are about the pussy, eh, sharing it with some other dude? Not gonna happen. Then add on any concerns they might have about their dick and performance issues and, yeah – not gonna do that.

So, in a lot of ways – and ya still might not agree – group sex is a test of one’s true desire and love of having sex… and many people find that they don’t love it as much as they say they do. We are made to be inhibited about sex and it’s not a coincidence that when some folks have their inhibitions removed – and you can surely blame it on the alcohol in most cases – finding themselves in a pile of bodies “all of a sudden” sounds like a fun thing to do and turns out to be a lot of fun… until they sober up and their inhibitions slam back into place.

Some are mortified beyond belief and some manage to grudgingly accept that when they get cronked, um, yeah – ain’t no telling what they might do. Again, some pretty scary shit and more so when they remember everything that took place and, shit, how wild and uninhibited they were and, yep, sometimes, they did some stuff that, if they weren’t all cronked up, they wouldn’t do for all the tea in China.

Personally, I’ve had people ask me, “How can you do that shit?” A couple of reasons (really a few of them). One, I grew up with it. Two, I don’t have much in the way of inhibitions to get rid of and by any means. Three, um, er, I really love sex that much so the more, the merrier and even more so when things turn into a huge no holds barred, free for all where everyone in the mix is fair game and whatever happens, happens.

And no regrets whatsoever. No embarrassment. Don’t know the meaning of the word “shame.” Well, okay, I do know the meaning of the word – I just don’t feel any shame. We’re supposed to have sex but we do get shamed to death about it and in a whole lot of ways.

“Dude, you are one freaky motherfucker!” I’ve been told and I’ve said, “Yep, I sure am…” but to me, it’s not being freaky – it’s just me enjoying having sex and with a lot of other people in attendance, both watching and participating. It’s fun and, yep, sometimes it isn’t and I’ve seen sessions go very badly and there are a slew of reasons why they do but at the top of the list, in my opinion, is that we never learn how to do this… and we don’t learn because we’re not supposed to know how to do it.

Shit, some of us are funny about having sex with just one person. Still, a lot of people are of a mind that when a bisexual brings up a group sex thing, it’s because they went from plain vanilla to a super freak in the sheets when that’s not really the case since a lot of bisexuals still wouldn’t go there for any reason. It’s just the “next” form of sexual expression; it’s “proof” that you’re really free and liberated from what everyone else thinks sex is supposed to be and how it’s supposed to be done. For many, a threesome is about sharing that liberation and sexual expression.

Even among those who participate as a matter of course, there are usually rules of engagement that sometimes turns a good idea into a not so good one; I’ve seen so many limit what can be done and who can do what and while this makes sense, it kinda doesn’t since, once more in my opinion, you’ve removed one set of inhibitions in order to enforce and employ a different set of inhibitions and, as I’ve observed too many times, discounting how shit can happen in the heat of the moment and when it’s not expected to happen. I say again that there are a lot of people who really do believe that shit ain’t ever supposed to happen… and it better not happen.

Insecurities, jealousy, envy, possessiveness, self-consciousness and even a very inflexible view of thinking where sex is concerned. There are those who would literally give you the shirt off their back… but they’d never share themselves in sex and for couples, hell, no – this is my pussy/dick and I ain’t sharing it with anybody.

The topic makes a lot of people feel some kind of way and I do tell newbie bisexuals that, depending on the person they’re with (or who they hang around with), eh, you might not want to mention it or bring it up unless you’re fairly sure you can do it without winding up being tarred and feathered. What if someone else brings it up? Okay, that takes any pressure off of you where bringing it up goes and, if nothing else, you can say that you’re all for it… or you aren’t. And you should always be aware of the fact that you don’t have to engage in any form of group sex if you don’t want to.

Some say that for bisexuals, group sex is a sort of rite of passage and further proof of their bisexuality and I don’t necessarily disagree with that. Again, I know that being bisexual – or otherwise finding yourself sexually liberated – just allows one to slip their sexual chains and opens up a lot of the possibilities that we’re not supposed to get into. I’ve said that bisexuality changes one’s views about sex – because it really does. Still, for some, some… inhibitions remain in place; sex is still only to be done one-on-one, no witnesses, no other participants. Just ain’t ever gonna go down like that. Too private. Ain’t nobody else’s business. The usual stuff and that can also include any situations that might have gone badly for some reason.

It’s too easy to assume that if the shit went bad that first time, it’s always gonna go bad and, sure, it might… and it might not and, yes, some have had a bad first experience with this but have gone on to discover that, if anything, that first time was a fluke of sorts. At the end of any day, it’s really about how much you really and truly enjoy sex and having an understanding of what your own inhibitions are and why you have them… and then being able to get rid of them so you can engage in and enjoy a form of sex that is just as old as humanity is.

It’s just not an easy thing for a lot of people to do. You not only have to want to do it – you have to learn how to do it and even then a lot of people carry with them that list of what they’re not ever gonna do when it comes to sex, whether it’s one-or-one or the infamous “drunken orgy.” Even in this, everything is negotiable.

For bisexuals, it’s a test. I’ve said that having the sex this way is a serious test for a lot of bisexuals and this group sex thing is an even bigger test. Some pass with flying colors. Many do not and because they may have changed their sexuality but not the way they look at sex specifically and generally. Some folks are aware of the power of sex and how it can unlock some shit about them that they’d rather not have unlocked and, believe me, that’s some very scary shit. Some folks aren’t aware of the power of sex and/or they believe that they can always exert control over sex’s power.

And many find out that they really can’t. Hidden things get unlocked. Vulnerabilities get exposed and even one’s skill and ability to perform can have a bright light shined on it. Group sex will test your limits; it’ll test your sensibilities; it will expose you in ways that a lot of people just do not ever want to be exposed.

And then you have the people like me. Someone says, “Let’s all get naked and have sex!” and chances are I’ll be the first one naked and raring to go. Let’s do this. Don’t worry about this shit you “normally” worry about. Let’s get naked and explore the possibilities with each other and have fun doing it. It’s not about being careless in that sense – it’s really about being able to enjoy sex in a way that tends to make a whole lot of people soil themselves… and even bisexuals.

It’s not for everyone and I’m not ever gonna bullshit you about that. You gotta have a certain… mindset about sex and you pretty much have to be fearless in this. People, if they should find out that you did this, are gonna look at you with either great disdain… or with a lot of awe. They might jump all in your ass for doing such a heinous thing… or they’re gonna be very jealous that you’re able to do something that they can’t do.

“Shit… I’d never do that shit…” is, again, something I’ve heard time and time again. “You gotta be some kind of fucked up in the head to do that shit!” and I’ve heard this one, too, but, ah, last night, me and a bunch of other people had sex – what did you do last night?

It tends to crack me up to hear people talk about how they’re all wild and all that when having sex… but they can’t or won’t have group sex… and for some, the thought of having a bisexual in the mix just fucks with their head too much. What scares some people about this? It’s usually because bisexuals aren’t limited in their ability to sexually express themselves – but it never means that they’re not in control of themselves. In a MFM threesome and one guy is straight? Oh, yeah – chances are that both guys are going to be very, very worried about anything happening between them and even incidental contact can cause some issues. Do women worry about that when the threesome is FMF or even FFM? Some do… and some don’t so much.

It’s all about what you think sex is supposed to be like and how it’s “always” supposed to be done. Bisexuals? We don’t tend to think in those terms but, again, some of us still do. Just because this form of sexual expression might get unlocked doesn’t mean that it absolutely and positively has to happen – and it usually doesn’t, for the most part. And if it does, it’s just like any other kind of sex in that it’s only going to be as good as you’re willing to make it for yourself and whoever else happens to be with you.

I’ve been in a lot of very controlled and scripted group sex; I’ve also been in a lot of “we don’t need no stinkin’ rules!” situations where everyone is fair game and if you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter. I’ve seen guys suck cock who’ve never done it before; I’ve seen women get seriously up close and personal with other women, too. I’ve seen people have more fun than they’ve ever experienced before… and I’ve seen people just not have a good time with this form of expression.

Bisexuals get their head handed to them because group sex just seems to be so “automatic” when, again, while some bisexuals do think about it, it doesn’t always happen because, duh, you still have to be able to convince other people that this is gonna be fun and there’s nothing to worry about.

Good luck with that one. There is some very human shit one has to be able to get past and beyond to be able to engage in any form of group sex. Some people can. Many just can’t and regardless to their sexuality.

That’s just the reality of this. A lot of people dream and fantasize about this… and that’s as far as it’s going to go. A lot of people actually throw it down like this and especially those in poly families (and how well do I know that). It just makes sense to not only have sex one-on-one but to have it as a group since, in a poly family, you’re really and truly in this thing together so having sex with each other as a group, well, it makes sense for everyone to be able to enjoy everyone else in a nice hot and sweaty pile of bodies. Even in this, people are usually only going to do that which agrees with their sensibilities… but, yeah, some other… stuff might jump off and “simply” because it should jump off.

Just really a matter of how you’re willing and able to sexually express yourself and, yeah, if you can do this without being fearful of getting your head handed to you, why the hell not? If you can get rid of your fears and inhibitions and rethink what sex is and see it for what it can be, you might be good to go.

And if you can’t, then you just can’t. No shame in this. You gotta learn how to have sex in this way and not everyone can learn it. Not everyone can manage to leave their inhibitions at the door and, again, not every bisexual is that sexually liberated. And, yeah, I have the nerve to say that if you tried it before and it wasn’t all that, well, why not try it again? I know why most people won’t and that’s because once we deem something to be bad, we will always see it as bad even when we’re astute enough to understand that the conditions that existed at that time we didn’t have a good time won’t be exactly the same or, to simplify, that was then.

This is now. Nope… not trying to convince anyone to do something they can’t or won’t do; I’m just the guy who tries to explain this group sex thing where bisexuals are concerned and that you don’t have to be bisexual to enjoy sex this way.

It helps, though, even because of the way one now thinks about sex. My bisexuality took everything I was taught about sex and threw it away and I learned some new ways to have sex and to express myself in this way. Lots of good times… and probably more than my fair share of not so good times. But that’s just how sex tends to go for all of us. One-on-one? Sure, we can do that. Do it as a group? Okay – I’m game if you are! No shame. Not much in the way of inhibitions. Pretty much fearless. Carefree but not careless. It’s “just sex” and in one of the many ways we – humans – can have and enjoy it… if we can learn to have it and enjoy it.

There are rules about having sex… and a whole lot of people – and regardless to sexuality – say, “Fuck the rules – let’s get naked and do this!” and because it’s fun… and it’s sex.

 
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Posted by on 14 June 2020 in Today's Bisexual Thoughts

 

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Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: “What Am I Doing Wrong?”

There isn’t a day that goes by when I’m on the forum and I don’t see someone wondering why they are having such a hard time having the sex they’re craving as a bisexual. Guys are asking about the best apps to use and more so since Craigslist shut that avenue down and, from what I hear, places that are trying to fill that void don’t seem to be doing all that well.

They wanna know where other men hang out – bookstores with glory holes, bathhouses, places like that and these places exist in some places and don’t in others. You’d think that this would be kinda simple to find like-minded individuals who have the same goal as you do: Having the sex. Except, it’s never been easy or as simple as thinking, “Well, if I’m bisexual and they are, too, then we should be able to do something!”

Again, I point to my own and early experiences to make a point, that being, for us it really was as easy as asking another guy a couple of questions: Have you ever done it with another boy… and do you wanna do it with me? If yes, then it was on but if no, eh, okay – you sure you’re not gonna change your mind?

But then people get older, become more wary and leery about things and if this doesn’t stop someone dead in their tracks in this pursuit, they become… picky. Very picky. And sometimes so much so that there isn’t a human on the planet anywhere who could meet their requirements and many have a lot of requirements and conditions. Tack on a great need for discretion, which is a good thing since most bisexuals don’t ever want to get outed and it limits the number of people “available” to have sex with since being discrete can be taken to extremes as well and as evidenced by the number of people who won’t even let another person know that they’re interested in them and even when the mutual interest is sometimes very obvious.

Then there’s the casual sex versus relationship sex rift that makes it damned near impossible for a lot of bisexuals who need the sex to get it and, yeah, toss the disease card onto the table and things get even more iffy. There are times when I see both men and women just “sitting on their asses” and as if they’re waiting for the right person to magically appear and, to make matters worse, they’re not really putting forth any effort to find someone, oh, like getting an app and signing up… and then not really trying to engage the membership or, if they do, shit – so many fakes and flaky people that makes it too much like work.

Many are, indeed, risk-adverse and even more worry about being rejected out of hand. Now, I admit that I don’t know a whole lot about how women go about this but I do know how guys go about it and some of the things I’ve seen are such that it makes me say that we make this harder than it has to be. Many of us will “engage” with a guy and proffer our laundry list of what we want to do and what we ain’t gonna do. Many get “hit” on by really aggressive guys who are very pointed in what they want and what they expect you do to and if you’re not gonna drop whatever you’re doing to accommodate them in the next ten minutes, you ain’t shit and now you’re the flakey fake.

It’s not that women don’t have their own issues in this because they do and women can be very picky about who they wanna get naked with although I’ve been of a mind here of late that men make women look ridiculously easy in this regard. But, as I’ve said many times, women want someone they can relate to at the emotional level and if that can be established, the sex isn’t that big of a deal so much. And while men are also trying to do things this way, well, shit – a lot of other men aren’t trying to hear anything that has to do with that desired emotional connection; let’s just get naked and do something, jeez! You act like we’ve got all the time in the world to establish an emotional connection that will allow us to feel comfortable enough to have sex!

I’ve said time and time again that there are many of us who set the bar so high that we become the unreachable and unattainable. We want it the way we want it and we’re not accepting any substitutions or deviations from what we want and, yeah, who we want it from. Even when I’ve asked people, “What’s the minimum thing a person has to meet in order to have sex with you?” I’ve often heard a list of things that isn’t all that different from their “normal” requirements. I’ve had people push back against having a minimal set of requirements because, again, they want what they want and in the exact way they want it; it’s their right to do this and they don’t have to change anything in this regard… because they don’t have to.

And, usually, they’re not going to… even when you can point out to them how high they’ve set the bar and, as a result, how impossible they’ve made it to get the sex they want and need. Then they become despondent, disillusioned, and frustrated and in many situations I’m aware of, it’s everyone else’s fault except theirs.

When I chat with my protege about this – and even he has his own set of gripes and complaints about this, I always tell him that the one thing a lot of do wrong is giving more weight and importance to what we want to do and not so much consideration to what we can do and even then what’s the least thing we are willing to do and then can we be satisfied with the least.

He likes to ask me why there aren’t more men willing to just whip their dicks out and suck each other dry and I tell him that some guys aren’t cock suckers and for some that’s just foreplay and not the main thing, so on and so forth. I keep asking him a question – what happens when two tops get together? And then I give him the answer: Nothing. But now it’s an exercise for him to tell me why nothing happens. You’d think that, at the very least, two tops – or even two bottoms – can get together and blow each other’s brains out, right? And it could happen…

But it probably won’t. Again, I don’t know how women deal with this and mainly because they don’t wanna talk about it… but I know that men have totally and completely mind fucked themselves about the whole top/bottom thing and have stringently defined these roles so much that, say, just getting together to suck each other off is a difficult thing to do.

Not all men suck cock. Not all men are into anal sex. Likewise, not all women eat pussy or are into tribbing. The general perception is that this is always true and, I’ve thought, based upon how gay folks are “known” to do and the glaring thing, in my opinion, is that, um, no – we, as bisexuals, aren’t gay despite being able to have sex that way.

Men rift about reciprocation. It’s either needed or not so much. It’s expected or you’d better not even think about asking for reciprocation. Even I will tell a guy that if he’s not gonna suck my dick, I’m not going to be of a mind to suck his because why should he be the only one having that particular bit of fun? You wanna bone me in the butt? Well, fella, if you’re not gonna bend over and grab your ankles, too, how much fun do you think that’s gonna be for me?

What we do wrong is pay more attention to what we want to do and what we’re not ever gonna do for anyone or for any reason. What we do wrong is that we don’t want to put forth the effort to be the hunter and the hunted; very few of us have a minimum set of requirements and even fewer of us are willing to literally negotiate things.

What we do wrong is make this harder than it has to be. Let’s not make any mistakes here: We all learn what we like and what we don’t like but we’re human in that we’re more likely to stay with that which we like and avoid that which we don’t like… even if we’ve never done that particular thing. We talk about the fluidity of bisexuality… but not so much about the flexibility that’s also inherent in this. In this, many of us are quite rigid and, I think, a lot of us don’t really rethink what we know about sex – again, the way it’s supposed to be versus the way it can be.

It doesn’t mean that someone has to be willing and able to do it all but, again, men have boxed themselves into a corner with the top/bottom thing and have very rigidly defined these roles and to the point where a lot of tops will reject those bottoms are more… girly in their sexual mannerisms and there are bottoms who aren’t fans of really assertive or aggressive tops. And we do go about this – any of this – like it’s impossible to change our minds about something. It really is… frustrating to be an avid cock sucker and find yourself with a guy who doesn’t ever want his cock to be sucked; some don’t even want you to touch their cock. They don’t like that. It ruins things for them. They’ve convinced themselves that it’s their whole reason to be to give the pleasure and never to receive it.

Even in negotiations we’ll ask each other what we’re into which makes sense but, more often than not, a lot of deals get broken and negotiations break down because we never talk about what we’re willing to do and even if we tack on a condition or two like, “I’d like to get to know you better before I let you blow/fuck me…” It’s not that there aren’t guys who’d be okay with this – it’s the number of guys who aren’t okay with this. They want what they want right now or, in their minds, that getting into each other more thing ain’t working for them because in much of this, time is the enemy more than it’s a friend.

What we do wrong is not make it easier to have sex with each other. It’s okay to have that list of what you’re not gonna do but it’s also okay to have that list and make some exceptions and along the lines of, “With the right person (or situation) I might do (add something here).” If you go about this with a high degree of inflexibility, chances are you’re not gonna get the sex you want and need. What’s the least thing you’re willing and able to do? Most people can’t answer that question because, I guess, habitually, we go for max effort and max results.

A lot of bisexuals are going to remain frustrated and disillusioned until they fully realize that the reason why they’re frustrated and disillusioned is because very few people – including themselves – are willing to make it easy to have the sex… but they are willing to make it hard to get someone – and themselves – into bed. You can point this out and a lot of people will say, “Yeah, but…” and you’re just not going to convince them that making themselves more available or getting out there and do more hunting so they can also be hunted and even having a minimum set of requirements is going to be in their best interest.

A lot of bisexuals say that other people are stopping them from being able to explore their sexuality and this is, sadly, very valid. But the person who’s really stopping them is… themselves. For the man or woman who really wants to know what oral sex is like on the other side of the fence? What are you willing to do in order to experience this? What are your expectations? What things, in your mind, are non-negotiable? Do you have issues with casual sex and by this I mean do you believe that doing it just to be doing it doesn’t mean anything?

And if you’re not getting any like this, well, why aren’t you? Are you pointing the finger at everyone who might be out there? Are you not looking at how you’re going about things or, perhaps, willing to admit to yourself that you’ve set the bar way too high? And, importantly, have you considered that there are a lot of other people out there who have set their own bars impossibly high?

To the question of, “What am I doing wrong?” the answer might be that you, right along with a whole lot of other people, are just making this harder than it has to be.

 
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Posted by on 13 June 2020 in Today's Bisexual Thoughts

 

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Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: “I Think I’m Bi – What Do I Do?”

Well, what do you want to do? Yeah… answering a question with a question is considered to be bad form but it remains valid here. A more… detailed response is needed and when I’m the one trying to answer this question, the first thing I tell someone is to do their best to accept – and understand – that this is how they feel and that they don’t have to do anything about it other than that.

Yeah, I know – ya didn’t ask to have these feelings and the truth is that no one does. It does seem that the older you are when these feelings appear, the harder it is to deal with them which is why a lot of people who have been going right along being nice and straight find themselves getting bitch-slapped by some feelings and urges that, to them, have come out of left field. Where did they come from?

Built-in to all of us. Why did they show up now? Well, what’s been going on in your life these days? As I wrote yesterday, there are a lot of external events in our lives that will, apparently, turn someone’s potential to be bisexual – or even gay – on and now it’s a matter of trying to nail down what might have triggered it and with the understanding that, again, for some people?

It just turns itself on.

Why do you have this incredible urge to have sex in the same-sex mode? Beats me. I’ve never been able to figure this one out but, yep, I know it happens and it’s some seriously real shit and even more confusing when someone who has been switched on has never given a thought about it but now damned near every same-sex thought is now flooding their existence up to and including invading their dreams.

What do you do? That depends on you. Some people go with the feelings and urges and manage to get the storm of feelings under some kind of “control” and their brain has somehow managed to clear the way to actually do something and, nope, no clue as to how this really works other than it does work and differently for everyone since we all don’t think the same way and our ability to justify things are just as different.

Some people resist and for good reason or, “I don’t know why I’m feeling this way but I don’t dare do anything about it!” Works for some. Doesn’t work for some. All about strength of will combined with an awareness of one’s current situation and environment and a whole lot of fear over being discovered to have these feelings in the first place.

Someone who asks this question will sometimes ask someone else what would they do if confronted with them. Good idea. Um, not always. What someone else would or wouldn’t do ain’t really gonna help a whole lot because, again, we don’t all think the same way and our situations aren’t the same. I know what I would do… pretty sure you might not be of a mind to adopt my behavior so much. Or maybe you would be. I don’t know and, of course, the bad part is you don’t either.

So I tell people to not worry about doing anything until they can process things. Will the feelings go away? Afraid not. You see, some people are of a mind that not doing anything – and read this as having the sex – will stop the feelings when all you’ve really done is stop yourself from having the sex… but the “desire” to do it is still there and it will eat you alive either in big bites or a lot of tiny ones. Most people who get switched on tend to find out that all of a sudden, they’re now looking at men/women very differently, usually find their bodies responding in ways that, well, that ain’t supposed to happen!

Some people even get… motivated to have more of whatever sex they’re already having and the thought here being that they’re really just extra horny so getting more of the same will take care of that… then they find out that it doesn’t or, really, not in the way they thought. Even I learned that when I’m craving dick, I can get all the pussy I can get and while that’s all good, the craving for dick is still there. It might be… subdued but I can feel myself “thinking” that, okay, that was good… but not what I really needed.

You can ignore and/or suppress it and even that takes some effort before one can do it without really having to think about doing it… but the feelings don’t go away. Once they’ve been switched on, they’re on whether you do anything or not. Which, again, is why I tell people that what they should do is to find a way to accept that this is how they feel and that there’s not a whole lot they can do about that.

You can only control what you might do because of how you feel. Some people can. Some people just can’t. Just the way it goes. Now… my “favorite” people.

The one’s who say, “I’d never do some shit like that! I don’t have a reason to!” Okay, I believe you but I’m the one who’ll tell you that I’ve heard this one before and people do find a reason and even if it’s a reason that only makes sense to them; you’d be surprised how easily one’s mind can justify something… even when every fiber of their being would prefer that this justification doesn’t take place.

Can a person just switch themselves on and be bisexual? They can and usually because they do have a reason… but you’d have to ask them what that is for them. I’ve heard people say that being bisexual “just made sense” to them or, again, they’ve done as much as they can do within the framework of their normal way to have sex… and this is “the next thing” to get into. Why does it just make sense? Eh, sometimes, the people who feel this way can’t explain it; it’s not that they don’t know because they do know – they just literally can’t explain it, well, not without sounding like an “idiot” as they fumble around trying to find words for something that there are no words for.

What do you do? Accept it. It happens to people. Any time. Any reason that their mind says is a good reason and even when it doesn’t sound like a good reason. And this is the hard part. For some, they can quickly sort it all out while, for others, it can take years to get a grip on… and all while fighting that incredibly powerful urge to have sex this way.

Should you just go ahead and have the sex? I dunno… you tell me if you think you can which, of course, is the next hardest thing: Trying to figure out how to do whatever it is your feelings are telling you that you have to do. One can figure out if they can do it… that’s almost “too easy” but then there’s that whole “moment of truth” thing to deal with that tends to trip a lot of people up or, as I’ve said many times, it’s one thing to think that you can do it… and something very different when you’re confronted with actually doing it. Even at this point, some people can… and some just can’t.

Some people find that everything that’s flashing through their mind at the moment of truth just overloads their brain and one of two things happens: Either they can’t act… or they say, “Fuck it…!” and do it. And, yeah, I’ve heard people say that just before they acted. If you’re observant enough, you can actually see them going through the “go/no go” process and can see the exact moment they make up their minds to do… or do not.

We make this harder on ourselves than we have to and usually by putting the cart before the horse. We fret over the sex itself; we fret over what everyone around them is going to think and say about them and even get so paranoid that we just know that everyone around us knows what’s going on with us. We play the “what if” game with ourselves and conjure up every negative thought our minds can come up with and every reason why we shouldn’t go with it – and sometimes not being all that aware that some of the reasons one shouldn’t go with it are reasons that, um, well, you were given those reasons; those thoughts really aren’t your own so much.

What we don’t do is put the horse before the cart and just accept that as crazy as it sounds and feels, it’s the way we feel. We can – and do – put a lot of effort into trying to figure out just where the fuck this shit came from and that effort gets “worse” because, for some, you just can’t point to any one thing – or anything at all – that explains this. I get it: You didn’t plan on or for this; you don’t want to feel like this and you sure as shit don’t want to do anything about it.

Welcome to the part of being human that no one tells you about other than not to be this way.

You make this shit sound like it’s easy to accept!

I know but I’m also telling you that it isn’t easy and how hard it’s gonna be to just accept it depends on you. You can make this hard on yourself or “easier” if you accept that you can’t do shit about the way you feel – you can only do something about what, if anything, can be done about those feelings and that means getting naked and doing the nasty in a way you know you’re not supposed to… while every part of you is screaming at you to do it.

At the end of any day, all you can do is what you’re capable of doing. You’re either going to accept it or you aren’t; you’re either going to do something about it or you aren’t. That makes answering the question with a question rather valid: What do you want to do? I just know what one should do first and foremost:

Accept it. Once again, welcome to that part of being human that we, on the whole, don’t want anyone to know about. Think about it: There’s a reason why we’re not supposed to know, think, or do anything about this… because those who put that in place knew good and damned well that we can do it… because we’d been doing it all along.

Still doing it, too. We’ve always known this but what we didn’t know – and didn’t have a reason to know or think about is that, um, this could happen to you, too… and what you really don’t know is when it might happen or even why it might. It’s being thought and proposed that our subconscious mind has a lot to do with this but the problem is, um, we can’t really prove it since we’d yet to come up with a way to “see” what’s going on in our minds in the background and when our conscious mind is awake and doing… stuff.

What do you do? What do you want to do? What should you do?

Accept it. Do your best to make sense of it. If you can, find someone else who’s gone through this and, yeah, ask them how they dealt with it – but understand that their solution may or may not be your solution. You can do it. An untold number of people across the entire existence of our species have done it and, yeah, even I had to be able to accept it.

The “challenge” is… being able to do something that so many people have been able to do. You’re gonna think that you can’t and that you shouldn’t and that’s exactly what a lot of people thought, too. They did it.

Can you do it?

 
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Posted by on 11 June 2020 in Today's Bisexual Thoughts

 

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Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: And One More For Good Measure

Bisexuality means different things to different people since much of it is about how we see ourselves and things get a little murky when we see that we don’t exactly or precisely fit the definition of the word. That’s to be expected and if you know anything about self-image.

Here’s the thing that makes me roll my eyes: Someone trying to tell a bisexual how to be bisexual… and the person doing the telling isn’t bisexual. One of the things you learn is that not only do you have your own view of yourself, other people have their perception of you, too; who they think you are, how you should be, stuff like that and while that’s all well and good, it just rubs you the wrong way when someone who isn’t like you is telling you how to be something and something they don’t approve of.

I was sitting here waiting for my computer to reboot after some Windows updates and I was thinking about that time when a guy was telling me that there was no way I could be bisexual since I admitted that while I like the sex, I’m not into guys like I am into women. I remember asking him, “Well, now, would you like to tell me how you came to that conclusion?” and, yeah, I was amused because it wasn’t like I hadn’t heard this one before.

He launched into a monologue that was, really, all about what he thought being bisexual met and, as such, I didn’t come close to what he thought it should be but the biggest thing – and one that I did not fail to point out to him – was that what he thought had no bearing on what I do or don’t do.

He maintained that if I didn’t have any romantic interests in men, there was no way I could be bisexual which had me ask, “Do you have any idea how much sex I’ve had with other men as well as women?”

He said that didn’t mean anything. And if you’re now rolling your eyes, now you kinda understand what I’m talking about.

Another guy at another time said, “Well, if you’re not always being screwed by dudes, how can you call yourself a bisexual?”

Eyes rolled so hard I heard them do it and responded with, “Is that what you think? What makes you think that’s what defines a guy’s bisexuality?”

“Because it has to,” he said and I almost laughed because I could hear it in his voice that he really and truly believed that this was the way it’s supposed to be.

I learned to really not like people who aren’t bisexual telling me how to be bisexual. Yet another guy said, when we were talking about guys sucking our dick (or the possibility of that), he said that just because a guy would let another guy blow him didn’t mean he was gay.

And I said, “What does being gay have to do with it? The guy could go both ways, you know.”

And he said, “Nope – not even possible. Any guy who’d let another guy blow him is gay and any guy who’d let that happen clearly doesn’t like women!”

I was so… stupefied that I couldn’t even roll my eyes. But wait – there’s more! He turned around five minutes later and confessed to letting “a few guys” blow him and with the excuse that he was blitzed when it happened and, of course, insisted that he wasn’t gay.

And I agreed with him that he wasn’t… but he could be bisexual and more so when he also confessed that when he got blitzed, having a guy blow him was always a good idea.

He said he wasn’t… because that’s not what being bisexual means as far as he was concerned.

I left it alone since I’d also learned that once people get stuff like this into their heads, there’s no convincing them that, well, they don’t really know what they’re talking about. Yet another guy went on and on for almost an hour about what he thought bisexuality really meant and when I could get a word in I asked him, “Well, how do you know that?”

His answer? Because that’s how someone else – and someone who wasn’t bisexual – explained it to him. In a similar conversation a guy told me that he knew for a fact what a bisexual is because he had a friend of a friend of somebody’s cousin who was bisexual.

Uh-huh. “That means that, at best, you only have one person’s idea of this and now you think that just because that person is the way they are, everyone who is bisexual is the same way – does that sound about right?”

“Yeah, because it’s true,” he said with a confident smirk on his face… and a smirk I was very happy to rip right off of his face and all it took was for me to say that, nope – I wasn’t even like that person he mentioned. The funny part?

He didn’t believe me. Then he really screwed up when he said, “Prove it!”

So I did and with his permission, of course. Five minutes later he’s sitting there with his eyes all glazed up and as big as saucers and, wouldn’t you know it? When he could speak, he actually said, “That doesn’t prove anything!”

It didn’t? Hmm… maybe I should have had him bend over, grab his ankles and get some proof that way?

The “moral” of the story is that you can’t do shit about what other people think. It’s not to say that someone cannot gain an intellectual understanding of what bisexuality is because many people do just that… but then some people somehow manage to take the facts they’ve uncovered and then spin them to make the facts of the matter fit their own perception of things.

“Well, dude, if you don’t like kissing other dudes, you ain’t bisexual!”

To this guy I asked, “Did it cross your mind that I don’t like kissing guys because I found out why I don’t, oh, you know, because I’ve kissed guys before?”

Apparently, it didn’t cross his mind and even when hit with that piece of information, he still insisted that because I didn’t always kiss guys, I couldn’t be bisexual. Then there was the guy who said that if I didn’t like men and women equally, there was no way in hell I – or anyone else – could be bisexual… and I wondered just how do people get this notion stuck in their heads.

That and how are you gonna tell me how to be something I’ve always been… and you’ve never been? And the thing that really used to bake my noodle was the many people who’d say that it’s impossible for someone to be bisexual because they wouldn’t dare to be bisexual.

What. The. Fuck? Then there’s the people who believe with all their heart and soul that because they wouldn’t go both ways, no one should. “But, how do you explain that there are people who go both ways?” I’d ask… and the look they get on their face is beyond priceless and, most of the time, the only thing they can say to that is, “Well, I wouldn’t do that.”

Who said you had to? I grew up listening to a lot of men and women pontificating about something they had no actual experience with and, at best, only had a lot of “he said, she said” or, yeah, religious dogma to fall back on and support their position of what bisexuality “really” means to them or what they think it should be.

“Well, shit – if you wouldn’t date a dude, you ain’t bi!” or “If you don’t deal with men the same way you deal with women, there’s no way you can be bi!”

Where do people get this from? Then for shits and giggles, try explaining to them that men and women are different and beyond that which is obvious… and watch the look on their face as they try to process this. Do guys date guys? Sure they do… and not so much. Then there’s the latest… thing that suggests that if you’re dating a guy and with the purpose of establishing a relationship with him, then there’s no way you can be bisexual.

“That assumes – and incorrectly so – that everyone who is bisexual wants to be in a relationship like that, doesn’t it?” I have asked.

“That’s the way it’s supposed to be,” I had heard in response. Um, no, it isn’t but, sure, I can see why people would think that because, for one, it is (once again) what we know how to do (but with women) and, yep, that’s what a lot of gay folks do. Then try to explain to someone who think like this that bisexual and homosexual aren’t the same things; the very definition of both words makes that pretty clear… or so you’d think.

Just because I don’t have a “boyfriend” doesn’t mean anything other than I don’t have a boyfriend… or that I even want one. There are those who believe that if you’re a guy and in a relationship with a woman – but you have sex with other guys without a relationship – are you really bisexual?

Well, shit, I dunno… but where I come from, that’s would be a yes – you’re really bisexual… just not in the way others might expect or assume you have to be. It makes me incredulous to hear people say that if you’re bisexual and it’s “just about the sex” for you, you’re not really bisexual.

Are you rolling your eyes? If not, allow me to help them start rolling by telling you that it’s not non-bisexuals who say that – it’s some bisexuals who say that. In the eyes of these folks, if you’re only about the dick – or the pussy and because women don’t get a pass on this part either – then you’re doing it wrong and you’re not what you say and know that you are.

I can see and understand how someone who isn’t bisexual would say that because. well, they’re not bisexual but there are those who say, “I don’t have to be bisexual to know what it’s like!”

Oh, yes, you do! You just have your own thoughts about it and I hate to be the one to tell you but a lot of what you think isn’t quite right which is also the thing that makes me say to some people, “If you wanna know about what it’s like to be a bisexual, ask a bisexual… then ask some more bisexuals because one point of view really doesn’t give you the whole picture.”

My all-time favorite: “I don’t understand why you would suck a guy’s dick or like it if he sucked yours!” Of course you don’t understand it and more so when if you really wanted to understand it, um, hmm, you’d have to do it. You betcha – I can tell you pretty much anything you wanna know about it but to really understand it? Do it. Then come back and let me know if you understand it.

“But doesn’t that mean you’re really gay?” It sure as hell does not; did you miss the part where I said how much I love women and pussy? Or, when trying to explain this to women, oh, my goodness, how is it possible for them to not understand that guys suck dick for a lot of the same reasons women do it and that includes doing it because they feel obliged to do it and, shit, yeah, sometimes it’s a chore that ranks below cleaning messy toilets?

Or, um, yeah – sucking dick is a lot of fun and just like eating pussy is. And there are many who still believe – and with zero actual experience – that it’s different in the same-sex mode. You see, time and time again, that once someone gets something like this in their head, it is usually pretty difficult to get it out of their head. It continues to make my eyes roll to observe people hearing the word “bisexual” and the first thing that they think is “homosexual.” Unless something really changed, “bi” still means “two…” doesn’t it?

And it still irks me to hear people who aren’t bisexual and probably never will be try to tell me how to be bisexual. That intellectual understanding? It does have value… doesn’t clarify things like experience does. If you really wanna understand it, do something. Oops, that’s right – not a lot of people are gonna do that, are they? What’s that? You tried it once? Well, why only once? You didn’t like it or it didn’t do anything for you? How do you know it will be the same way if you try it again?

You just know it will the same? No… you really don’t know that but you’ve made up your mind that it will be like that and, again, once someone makes up their mind, good luck getting them to change it.

You wanna get into all those problems that everyone says plagues bisexuals and bisexuality? We can do that… but do you know that all that shit you’d bring up could happen to anyone and at any time? And if you do know this – and you should, by the way – why would you beleive that it’s a “bisexual problem” only?

Just like I said yesterday, it’s not what we know or think we know: It’s what we don’t know… and don’t wanna know. Everyone has an opinion and that’s all well and good… it’s just better when your opinions about this is based on actual fact and, yeah, fact based upon actual experiences.

You don’t have to do anything; you don’t even have to understand it if you don’t want to. But before you formulate any opinions about bisexuals and bisexuality, it might be of value to, at the very least, ask a bisexual… then find and ask a few more so that, if nothing else and intellectually, you’ll know what we know… and anything more than that is up to you.

I’ll leave you with this gem. A guy and I were talking about bisexuality and he actually told me that everything I said about it was just my opinion and after I let him in on my “secret.” I had asked him – after I picked my jaw up off the ground, “How can something I’ve experienced – and more than once – be just my opinion? Everything I said are things I know for a fact… because I did them and way more than once or twice! This ain’t “I heard this from someone else – this is been there, done that and I own the T-shirt company!”

And he insisted that I was wrong and it was just my opinion. I blinked… and just walked away shaking my head.

You rolling your eyes yet? See, it’s not that non-bisexuals can’t wrap their head around it because they can and do. Maybe it’s something they wouldn’t do and maybe, well, who know – they just might find or have reason to do it. I’m good with that and for no other reason that they’re open-minded about it and being open-minded is one of the prerequisites that goes along with being bisexual.

 
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Posted by on 9 June 2020 in Today's Bisexual Thoughts

 

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Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: Another Problem…

…isn’t what we know about bisexuality – it’s what we don’t know about it. These days, we can’t even agree on what the word means. It makes sense that there is no clear-cut, definitive way to be bisexual since everyone who is has to figure that out for themselves and then be able to interact with others if they can, want to, or need to.

I woke up today thinking that younger and new bisexuals are being victimized, not by societal norms but from a lack of information or, really, a plethora of conflicting information. I see bisexuals talking about stuff and I find myself asking, “Why don’t they know this?” but, of course, it’s a rhetorical question since we’re “taught” how to be straight… but no one is ever taught to be bisexual and you sure as hell aren’t taught to be homosexual since those last two things have forever been taboo and forbidden.

Now, I learned by doing and, yep, gathering up as much information I could get my hands on, from digging deep into the history of sex and sexuality as I could to talking to others about it and even then, back when I started on this mission to figure out this bisexual thing, it was surprising what we didn’t know about it… but we knew about homosexuality and it “made sense” that if someone said they went both ways, well, that can’t be right because everyone knows that you’re either straight or gay and being gay is a bad way to be.

Fifty-five years after my first step onto the path of bisexuality and I am often bamboozled to see how, after all this time, there is much we still don’t know about bisexuality or, in many cases, how people are going out of their way to make it something that it really isn’t so much. I see guys – in particular – asking questions and makes me wonder why they don’t know the answer and even see how even they tend to think in that binary “black and white” way and as evidenced by not only the questions they ask but the way they ask them.

My mind goes, “Duh…” and I get “stuck on stupid” every time I hear or read stuff about Black bisexuals. We don’t exist because, as “everyone” knows, all Blacks are homophobic… and I remain incredulous to observe that not only do a lot of people continue to believe this, Black people still believe it. I read stuff that suggests that bisexuals – all bisexuals – should divorce themselves from LGBTQ+ and due to a serious lack of real representation and start our own national (or even global) organization by, of, and for bisexuals.

I even read something that wondered why Black bisexuals don’t have their own flag/organization and, yeah, while that probably sounds like a good idea, what it really does is add one more line to the many lines we’ve drawn between us as humans; while it makes sense for all bisexuals to “band together,” all we’re really doing is making sure that never happens.

Because of what we don’t know about this. That we get this… idea in our head about what it’s supposed to be and that it should apply to everyone who is bisexual… and not seeing that trying to cover things with a big blanket just does not work since, again, every bisexual is different in how they think and go about being bisexual and no matter their race, color, or creed.

Because those things don’t really matter; they shouldn’t matter. But because of what we don’t know, yeah, we think it matters and that it should. Among the first things I learned about sex is that it’s really colorblind; you can have sex with anyone who agrees to have sex with you and I know this because I had the nerve to have sex with anyone who wanted to – male, female, white, Black, whatever. But as I continued to learn more and more about this bisexual thing (and sex, too), the one constant I saw wasn’t what people knew about it – it’s what they didn’t know. The stereotypes. The myths. The assumption that anyone who went both ways had to be really homosexual and in great denial of that.

Even today, you say “bisexual” to someone and most people will automatically think “homosexual” and to the point where a lot of people – and that includes a lot of bisexuals – believe that we’re enjoying some kind of straight privilege and think that we can be erased and simply by someone not believeing that there’s such a thing as a bisexual human being.

Are you fucking kidding me? Like I said when, a long time ago now and when I saw it said that there was no such animal as a Black, male bisexual, do you mean to tell me that it’s even possible that I’m the only Black, male bisexual on the planet? Really? And people really believe this?

Apparently they do. As I’ve written before, way back in the day, bisexuals, aka switch-hitters, were a joke, a way to yank somebody’s chain because even then, few people wanted to believe that there were men and women who’d engage sexually and/or romantically with both men and women. And Black folks? Oh, we really didn’t believe it since, again, we’re all homophobic! Yet, even then, Black homosexuals could easily be seen and even if you couldn’t look at any Black person and tell that they were gay, that didn’t mean there weren’t any gay Black folks and I do mean both men and women.

It wasn’t what we knew… it’s what we didn’t know or, perhaps a bit more accurately, what we didn’t want to admit to being the truth and the real truth. And the more I learned, the more I kept asking myself:

Why don’t people know this? And I learned that it’s not really that people don’t know this: They don’t want to know it. It’s easier for them to say it’s not real and to reject every aspect of it. Simpler to just go along with dogma – and religious dogma at that – than to accept the reality that not only can Blacks be bisexual – anyone can be bisexual.

I sit and watch guys asking which is better and offering binary choices when bisexuality does, in fact, expand choices beyond the limited binary ones. Is dick better than pussy? Men better to have sex with than women? And I keep wondering why questions like this keep being asked but, again, the answer is, to me, obvious:

It’s not what we know – it’s what we don’t know and, to make shit worse, the information isn’t being passed along and we don’t seem to have learned that being bisexual is both objective and subjective – think perception versus the truth – and perhaps you can see why bisexuality suffers the way it does when people – and even bisexuals – are trying to make sense of it. What we don’t know leaves us to our own devices and that’s not always a good thing.

We can’t even agree on the best way to have the sex and we’ve made this so complicated that it isn’t funny. Casual sex? Oh, hell, no! Relationship sex? Well, that’s better… isn’t it? Nitpicking choices in who to have sex with, qualifications, situations, and conditions that probably work very well inside one’s own head but have no real… substance in the real world. Little or no attention paid to what can be done while focusing on what we’d prefer to do… and even for those who have zero actual experience in any of it.

But they’ve heard what others have had to say; they’ve heard the horror stories and like a bad train wreck, that gets more attention than anything else. Believing the hype that a bigger dick is way better than a smaller one and then making themselves feel some kind of way if they don’t have a dick that’s long enough to trip them up when they walk or whatever.

What we think it’s like… and some not being all that willing to find out what it’s like and in every way it can be done. Not what we know and a lot of what we know is supposition and hearsay…

It’s what we don’t know. It’s what we don’t want to know. What we believe that trumps the reality of what it is and what it can be. Sex and more than just sex. That nothing really matters more than one’s willingness to dive in and explore the vast possibilities and within one’s ability to do so. What’s it like to have a guy fuck you? The answer is easy to find out: Get a guy to fuck you and then decide for yourself whether you like it or not.

Who sucks cock better, men or women? If you really wanna know, get a woman – and a lot of women if you can – to give you their best blow job… then find some guys to blow you and then decide for yourself and with this one and very certain thought fixed in your mind:

There’s no real difference except who’s sucking your dick and whatever skill and desire they’re bringing to the table. Same with eating pussy. You can hear all of the horror stories and failures experienced by others but you will never, ever know what it’s like for you until you experience it and then more than once and with the intent on finding the pleasure in it… because there is pleasure in it; otherwise, there wouldn’t be so many men and women who eat pussy like it’s the best meal they’ve ever had.

If you’re straight, maybe this is something that “doesn’t make sense” to you and more so since, uh, it’s not something you’d do. But you’ve heard about it… and I know what you’ve heard probably isn’t the whole truth and that anything someone says is bad about it is the thing that sticks out in your mind the most. But it still isn’t about what you think you know – it’s what you don’t know.

It’s what you don’t want to know and, really, you’re not supposed to know. It’s why for generation after generation, the same questions about bisexuality keep coming up and going pretty much unanswered and why people only get the answers when they actually do it… and even then they don’t usually see the big picture things which are also the same things that our lack of understanding lends itself to what we don’t know and, for many these days, leaves us to our own devices about how to go about being bisexual…

Like being bisexual in very similar ways to being heterosexual. Why? Well, we know how to be heterosexual and, believe it or not, homosexuals behave in similar ways. Dating. Being into each other. Little or no sex just because you can have sex. Being committed. Be in a relationship and you’re some kind of slut, dog, or whatever if you’re out there getting your freak on outside of these parameters and, oh, yeah, let’s not forget that no matter what you do do protect yourself, you’re “guaranteed” to become infected with something if you don’t do things in the way everyone knows it’s supposed to be done.

That’s what we know… and the reason why we don’t know, too. Like, we all know what sex is supposed to be and what it’s supposed to mean… and it’s supposed to mean anything other than, hmm, that shit feels pretty damned good to be doing. Is sex with a stranger bad and dangerous and, as such, it’s better to know the person you want to crawl into bed with? We believe it is but, um, weren’t the people you know strangers to you when you first met them?

Yeah, okay, we learn by doing; experience has always been the best teacher and you will, without a doubt, learn the good and the not so good about it but that’s with anything life throws at us. Yet, a lot of bisexuals make these decisions – and finalize them while locking them in concrete – and before they have an experience that’s good, bad, or indifferent. Hmm, is it better to be fucked missionary or some other position? I could easily tell you what I’ve experienced in this and both the good and bad of it and now it’s a question of whether or not you believe me or not but like any of this, if you really wanna know, um, there is one way to find out, huh?

Bisexuals rant and rave about things binary and how fucked up this apparently is and, as I wrote days ago, without giving a single thought to the fact that this is how we’re taught to think, to narrow down a multitude of information in to a more simpler form in order to be able to make a decision about anything. Yes or no. Good or bad. And, shit, it’s still not about what we know; it’s still about what we don’t know. Incomplete and inaccurate information; our habit of giving the horror stories more weight and credence.

We think we know that casual sex is empty and meaningless; what we don’t know is that it really isn’t so empty or meaningless but it’s what we were taught and Americans – and probably more than any other nationality – have always been weird about sex and to the point where it’s considered bad form to even talk about sex… and so bad that you can’t even talk to the person you’re having sex with about sex.

People wonder why bisexuality is so difficult to get a grip on and to understand… and it’s because of what we don’t know. It’s what we aren’t taught; it is about what we are taught and that is the one and only way to engage with other people sexually, emotionally, or both. What we do know, strangely enough, is that there has always been more than one way to go about these things… and what we don’t know is what is the best way for someone, as an individual, to go about exploring those feelings that we were taught not to have and that having them are impossible.

When you leave us to our own devices, the lack of information digs a deeper hole and more so for anyone who is sitting down and thinking, “Can I do this?” or “Why do I feel the way I do?” and that information divide does make people ask questions that have been asked time and time again and because of what we don’t know and what is never taught.

And sometimes because we don’t want to know. What does it mean to be bisexual? I can sit here for days on end and tell you what it means to me, what I’ve experienced, what I’ve learned along the way and, yeah, I’ve learned a lot of about it because there was a time when I wanted to know the answers to a lot of the same questions bisexuals are asking today. Good information? I think it is but you still have to decide for yourself if it’s good information or good enough for you. Do you really wanna know the answers?

There happens to be a sure way to find them but what will prevent you from finding them isn’t what you know: It’s what you don’t know and what, by and large, no one is going to “teach” you and even if someone did, you still have to believe it and try to get the answers for yourself since it’s a given that your experiences are going to differ from everyone else’s experiences and they’re gonna differ because they’re supposed to differ…

Because even as bisexuals, we are the same… but very different and there is still that matter of what we think we know about being bisexual… and what we don’t know. Or maybe we do and we don’t want to know because it says something about us that isn’t supposed to be true:

We – humans – love sex. We love the intimacy. The sheer physicality of it. It ain’t just for making babies and you sure as hell don’t have to be in some kind of committed relationship to do it and enjoy the hell out of it. What’s the best kind of threesome to have?

Any threesome you can have. Duh. Who has sex the best, men or women? We all do it the best – and to the best of our ability to do so. Is there any real difference? No – again, we just think it is and we think it is because we don’t know that there’s no real difference. We’re not supposed to know. Any many do not ever want to know.

All these questions and questions I’ve heard before being bisexual became a “thing.” Why don’t people know the answer to these questions? Because we’re not supposed to know them. And because of what we don’t know, it makes us very afraid to find out the answers. I had to go looking for the answers and I found them and I found out what we don’t know about this and even why we don’t know about this.

And, you betcha – I’m still the very bisexual guy who has the utter gall and audacity to share with you what I’ve learned and not sugar-coat it or bullshit you about any of it. And I’m still learning since one of the things I learned about being bisexual is that once you think you “know it all,” that’s about the time you find out that there’s something you didn’t know.

And I don’t know about any of you but I’m not a fan of not knowing things and especially things that have a direct impact on my life like, oh, the many ways I enjoy having sex… and with anyone who is of a mind to have sex with me. Male. Female. Both if y’all “freaky” like that. Everything is negotiable and, yeah, I’ll try anything at least twice and just for the fun of it. And if I don’t like it, well, I found out for myself that I don’t but, then again, I’ve never been afraid to find the answers to all of the questions.

Just a matter of whether anyone else believes or not. And they don’t have to if they don’t want to but it remains true that it’s not what we know about bisexuality that’s the problem:

It’s what we don’t know. It’s what we don’t want to know.

 
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Posted by on 8 June 2020 in Today's Bisexual Thoughts

 

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Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: What Other People Think

Biggest problem ever. Scares the shit out of a lot of people who are bisexual and even if they’re not having any of the sex associated with being bisexual. What will my friends/family think and say about me? Becomes an even worrisome concern since we good and damned well know how some people think and feel about anyone who ain’t straight and doing things “by the book.”

Humans, well, we don’t handle rejection of any kind well and that’s putting it mildly. We have a need to be accepted and to be accepted as we are even though, as we grow up, we learn that some folks ain’t gonna ever accept us because, um, we are who we are. You become very aware of a great many levels of prejudice and much of it for no reason other than our innate fear of the other or anyone who isn’t like us. Anyone who doesn’t think like us, doesn’t see things the way we see them. Anyone who is in any way different and then this thing is so deeply ingrained in us that even when we’re the same, we can see each other as being too different for our sensibilities.

Do you worry about what other people will think or say about you being bisexual?

I used to and more so given the period of time I grew up in and a time that saw homosexuals literally and figuratively getting their heads handed to them. However, by the time I was 13, I realized something – call it an epiphany, if you will: No matter what anyone says about me being bisexual and what they say is bad, I’m still bisexual. They can “unfriend” me, turn their back on me, might get the thought in their head to kick my ass (not the smartest thing they could do) and none of that changes what I am, well, unless I cave in to the way they’re gonna tell me I should be… and I’m not gonna do that because that means that I don’t believe or trust that I am what I know myself to be.

What I’ve proven myself to be. Don’t like it? All you can do is not like it and act in whatever way your dislike tells you to act. It sucks at times… doesn’t change anything other than it’s one less person to interact with and in any way. Do I know what they say or might say? I do – heard it too many times before and I learned if you hear it once, you can count on hearing it again and now the question is one of whether or not I’m gonna let that mess with my head and/or convince myself that I’m not who and what I know myself to be.

Yeah… that ain’t gonna happen. Ever. So while I know that there are people who ain’t gonna like that I’m bisexual, I also know that I can’t let that stop me from being what I need to be in this. I also know that if they can’t understand me – and even after I explain myself – that’s not my fault… and I even know why they’re not gonna understand it and the main reason why is what they believe.

I just happen to know that what they believe isn’t the whole truth of things so which thing am I gonna pay the most attention to? What they believe and knowing what they believe is flawed… or what I believe because I proved it to myself?

I don’t know how many times in my life that I’ve said to someone, “I’m sorry you feel the way you do about this…” I try not to think so much about the number of people who’ve turned their back on me and now I’m “the enemy” because I’m not who they thought I was and most certainly not what I’m supposed to be. Can’t count the number of times someone has expressed disappointment and outright disgust because I’m bisexual. Also can’t count how many times I’ve felt so bad over losing a friend – it always sucks and never in a good way.

Sucks even more for me to denounce what I am and in favor of what someone else thinks. I can choose not to “be bisexual” – have the sex – because, for one, I don’t have to if I don’t want to and sometimes it’s in my best interest not to… still doesn’t change the fact that I’m bisexual. I know it. I feel it. It’s just as much a part of me as breathing is and I do so love breathing.

Is it hard to not pay attention to what other people say about it?

It is… but I had to learn not to. You might not be able to imagine what it’s like to be around someone and listening to them lose their ever-loving mind about people not being straight and I’ve heard some pretty fugly stuff said about that. And I realized, after hearing a lot of it from a great many – and sometimes unexpected – people, that they don’t know what they’re talking about – they’re just repeating what so many other people have said and they believe it.

Even worse to be around women you know are bisexual and listening to them go off the rails about guys being bisexual and how fucked up and nasty it is… but they don’t see anything wrong with them being bisexual. You have cluelessness and, um, selected mindset (and for lack of a better phrase). It’s one thing to hear someone say that they tried it and it just didn’t work for them… but those folks, in my experiences, have never said that no one should do it, try it, or even like it if they do. If nothing else, they did try it and even just trying it is often enough to change the way they think about not being totally and completely straight.

Through it all, you just learn to stay true to who you are and no matter what other people are gonna think or say when they think – or say – that you shouldn’t be what you say you are. There is, after all, why coming out isn’t always the smartest thing one can do because the people you think would understand this about you will invariably show you that you thought wrong – really wrong. And it’s gonna be painful and unbearably so.

I tell others to be aware of what other people are gonna say/think… and try not to let that fuck with your head and it’s not easy for everyone to do – I just know it can be done and that I’m not the only bisexual who figured out/learned how to not let what others say fuck with me. I am what I am and I don’t have a reason to change what I am.

And if you don’t like it or otherwise think less of me, well, that’s not my problem and you’d do well not to try to make it my problem because, here in my old age, I have zero tolerance for the dumb shit. And, yes: This is me. This what I learned and had to learn.

I’m not the only bisexual who has learned this. People are gonna think and say whatever they want to. You don’t have to give it a whole lot of weight or even pay any attention to anything that’s not helping you be the person you need to be. Yet, worrying about what others are gonna say and think are right up there on the list of what makes being bisexual such a problem – remember, I said that comparatively speaking?

The sex is easier. Way easier. It’s not that you don’t care what others have to say… but you have to decide whether what they’re saying (1) makes any real and good sense and (2) is going to change something you know about yourself that they ain’t feeling.

Who are you living your life for? Them… or yourself? Do you bow to the “logic” coming from others who don’t know what it’s like to feel the way you do… or do you stick with that which you’ve proven to yourself and regardless to how you proved it? You really willing to totally ass yourself out and not be the person you know you have to be… just for soothing the sensibilities of someone else?

Yep… your friends, lovers, whoever, might not be happy about this thing about you and you can’t ignore that – you shouldn’t ignore it. You may even not have the sex but it’s not the sex that defines bisexuality:

It’s what you think. It’s how you feel. It’s what you’d like to do if you’re able to do something and if you can’t, well, that’s a different issue but one that does not ever make you less bisexual. Many bisexuals feel repressed and not just because their minds are trying to get a grip on not being as straight as they’re supposed to be…

And the problem gets compounded to be worrying about what everyone else is gonna think and say and the real funny part? You kinda don’t really know, do you, since people often say shit against bisexuality… because they’re supposed to but their own thoughts might be different from the more mainstream ones. Even I’ve been surprised to learn that what someone said against “going both ways” isn’t what they really think about it. I’ve personally experienced way too many times where what one says publicly ain’t what they think privately and, yeah, sometimes, those who protest the loudest are sometimes the ones with their own secret they’d rather not let anyone else be privy to.

And, yep – some people just don’t give a fuck… as long as you keep your hands to yourself; whatever floats your boat and if it works for you, then it’s all good… just don’t ask me to get naked with ya, okay? To that end, some not only worry about what others think about this, it makes shit even worse when coming out to someone has to be done; will they be okay with it and me? Or won’t they?

Shit. Why is this shit so fucking hard!

Because we made it hard and, once again, because of what we believe rather than what the truth is in any of this. And some of it is attitude; I do care what people say/think… I’m just not ever going to change my mind about what I am just to make them feel all warm and fuzzy.

I am bisexual. I’ve been bisexual for a very long time. Even if I don’t do anything, I’m still bisexual and, you betcha, if you don’t like it in any way, it changes nothing.

I’m still bisexual. Will be until I shuffle off the mortal coil. And that’s the only thing that will stop me from being bisexual.

 
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Posted by on 6 June 2020 in Today's Bisexual Thoughts

 

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Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: One of the Biggest Problems

For the longest time I’ve been of a mind to think that when someone takes the plunge and things don’t go the way they envisioned them, well, what’s up with that? It should work, shouldn’t it? It’s supposed to work! Why didn’t it?

Lots of reasons why but the biggest one, in my most humble opinion, is expectation. Thinking and even believing that something is going to take place in the way you want it to, believe it should, even imagine that it should. Like a lot of bisexuals of my era, I learned some “painful” lessons when expecting something to happen the way I thought it would and by “‘painful,” I don’t mean literally; it’s quite the motherfucker to be both “unpleasantly” surprised and wholly disappointed.

My mom, one day and when I was in a very funky mood because something I had expected to happen didn’t happen, told me that if you don’t expect anything, you can’t be disappointed – that and things don’t always happen the way you want them to. Having had this knowledge laid upon me had me rethinking a lot of things… and especially sex with anyone and got expanded to include anyone you might have sex with regularly.

I understand the thought processes and it’s normal for us to give some thought about something and then project it forward to a particular outcome and, preferably, a good one but under the cover of “those who fail to learn from history,” well, hmm: We go about our lives using this process and knowing that it doesn’t always work the way we expect… but we keep doing things the same way until one eventually learns – and most of the time the hard way – that having expectations of any kind tends to set one up to fail more than it sets one up to succeed.

Us guys get all into that good and bad shit and mostly where blow jobs are concerned and women most certainly do the same thing… but what makes it bad? Things like technique and all that do contribute to something being seen as bad but it’s expectation that’s the real killer and that includes expecting – and assuming – that the person your with not only knows how to do something, they also know how you want and expect it to be done.

That all by itself got me into the habit of asking a bunch of questions that most people aren’t of a mind to want to answer. One woman, when I asked the questions, responded by saying, “You’re supposed to know all that!” My response was, “I know how to make love; what I don’t know is how to make love to you.”

You should have seen the look on her face; it said to me that she never gave a single thought to this and, if you’re wondering, no: She didn’t tell me and it was yet another lesson in what happens when you leave someone to their own devices. More often than not, what’s gonna happen isn’t going to be what you expected.

Guys often get totally disillusioned and disappointed – again, when giving/getting head – because there’s an expectation of how it’s to be done that is kinda/sorta unreasonable and more so with guys who are giving/getting head for the first time with another guy. We tend to rely on our past experiences and what has worked on/for us and what didn’t and while this is good information to have stored in your head, um, that was then… this is now. We know that not everyone who sucks dick does it the same way or is even consistent at doing it… and we often don’t give that a whole lot of thought. It’s not a problem if the roll of the dice just happens to meet one’s expectations – the problem comes when the expectations aren’t met and when they aren’t, disappointment is sure to follow and whatever happened is now deemed to be bad.

Have you ever gotten a bad blow job?

Not since I learned not to expect anything other than we’re about to get into it and even that, in some cases, might not be a given since people can and do change their minds even at the very last moment. I even went back and reviewed all of the times I’ve ever had my dick sucked and came to the conclusion that if I thought it was bad, it was usually because I was expecting to be all that; things like technique, again, do play into things but absent poor technique, yeah – I was guilty of expecting something then was bummed out when what I expected didn’t happen.

If someone wants to blow me, I really am very happy and grateful that they want to because they didn’t have to so right out of the gate, this is a good thing. I’d even go as far as to say that if I expect anything, it’s that they do the best they can do since even I had learned that all you can ever hope to do is the best you can do… and hope the other person is okay with that.

Sometimes they are… and not so much. We still tend to assume that both people involved do, in fact, know what they’re doing and sometimes we do that even when we know that the other person hasn’t done this before which is, again, another one of those lessons that teaches that thinking and doing really aren’t the same things. It’s one of the reasons why a lot of bi guys, for their first experience, often prefer to have it with someone who is also not so experienced since experienced guys tend to unreasonably expect a newbie to know what to do when they’ve been told that this is the other guy’s first time.

If you don’t expect anything, you can’t be disappointed. It’s is not unreasonable to want a good experience but, yeah, if you get it into your head that something is going to happen the way you expect it to, well, isn’t that a bit of a problem? I think it is and, again, it’s a lesson I learned via the hard way more than any other way. And it’s not just your expectations that can fuck things up: It’s the expectations of the other person, too. You’re gonna be dealing with their idea of what’s good and what isn’t and compounding the problem is that we can be weird when it comes to telling someone what’s gonna work on you and some people, well, don’t even think about trying to tell them how to do this… even if it’s your first time doing it.

Expectations will fuck up something that, absent them, could be more enjoyable and, sure, a little verbal “instruction” doesn’t hurt. Even when you’re dealing with someone who is experienced in things sexual, they know how to do stuff… what they don’t know is how to do them to you and, yep, we expect them to know this or even expect them to figure it out on the fly.

Looking at things from this perspective changes a lot of shit, I think. Do I know how to eat pussy? I do and I’ve had decades of experience. Do I expect that what worked the last time is gonna work the next time? Yeah… not doing that and, again, another of those lessons learned the hard way. I don’t expect it to work… but I’m gonna do my level best to make it work and that includes a coochie I’ve spent a lot of time eating.

Are you overthinking this?

Maybe… but I don’t think so and more so given the number of times I’ve been told what the other person was expecting and, most of the time, I had no idea what they were expecting and that’s because I didn’t ask… and because you’re not supposed to ask, I guess. And I am the one guy who will investigate those expectations, not just for the next time – and if there’s gonna be a next time – but to put into perspective how expectations do tend to fuck shit up and makes a sexual thing good or bad. Even trying to live up to someone else’s expectations can be a killer since you don’t know what’s going on inside their head at any given time.

Which is why communication is a very important thing… and something we don’t do a lot of. If you can get an idea of what it expected before the fact, that might go a long way to a more pleasurable outcome for one and all… but when you leave someone to their own devices, chances are you’re gonna be disappointed since your expectations weren’t reached, met, or even close to being exceeded in any way.

How did you learn to deal with this?

By taking things “one thing at a time” for the most part. We’ve agreed that we’re gonna do this and I know shit can happen to prevent it so if by some chance it doesn’t, well, I’m not disappointed. If it gets going and I’m the one sucking the dick (or eating the pussy), I’m gonna at least try everything I’ve ever learned in this to find what’s gonna work and what isn’t and I’m not opposed to being instructed. If the other person “goes first,” my only expectation is that they’re gonna do whatever they can do… or even want to do so let’s not dwell on any of that and do my best to enjoy whatever they have on their mind. Am I gonna think that the blow job was bad because I didn’t cum? No… because I learned that it’s not the only good part of things and I stopped expecting the other person to make me cum a long time ago because, duh, they don’t have to if they don’t want to and, sure, they could have started out with that in mind but then had reason to change their mind.

Do I get bent when someone I give head to doesn’t cum? I used to… and I stopped doing that. Sure, I want them to but I don’t expect them to because I’ve learned how much shit can happen that will make that not happen for them and, yep, sometimes it could be me… and it could be them and including whatever they were expecting.

I’ve learned that the best thing in any of this is that if you have any expectations, the one that should matter is that you both are gonna do the best you can and within your ability to do so… and if you’re of a mind to put forth your very best effort and with the understanding that, um, fuck, that might not be the case.

When it comes to the good/bad stuff, we tend to point to skill and technique but, I think, overlooking the one thing that drives skill and technique: Desire. Even I’ve learned that one can have kick-ass skill and technique but if they’re just phoning it in, well, hmm, that does kinda take some of the shine off of things. It’s not… bad but if the desire is there, well, doesn’t that make things better?

Depends on how you think about such things. I can sit and think of a lot of outcomes both good and “bad” and, again, you just can’t really stop thinking about things in these ways… but what I can do is not expect things to be good or bad until they’re proven otherwise and even then, there is, for me, the appreciation factor because we could have rejected each other and nothing at all happened.

What do I expect of myself? To do the best I can… because, realistically, it’s all I can do. I know – and painfully so – that my best might not be good enough for them or sometimes even myself. It’s said that nothing beats a failure but a try because not trying, well, that ain’t working… but it does often matter whether trying is good enough for someone who, at some point, is going to deem whether what you did – or tried to do – was good or bad and because of expectations.

People say, “Well, I have a right to expect it to be good!” and I don’t really disagree with that… I just don’t think – and experience has taught me – that it is, at best, unreasonable to expect someone to meet and/or exceed your expectations and more so when chances are, you don’t know what their expectations are, let alone whatever’s going on inside their head at any given moment. We worry about being good enough and that’s all about meeting the expectations of others and those we have set for ourselves.

And it’s okay to have them… just don’t count or rely on your expectations being able to match the reality of what happens and how it does. Do I expect the other person to do their best? Not really; I mean, I hope they do but, again, experience and hard lessons have taught me to not hang my hat on my hopes. Good or bad. Arbitrary. Depends on who you’re asking. People can only do what they’re capable of doing and sometimes they might not want to do that for some reason.

So it’s being able to make the best out of any situation and not seeing it as being good or bad in that sense because to really bottom-line it, they could have said no to any sex you were proposing. Even my mind might say, “Well, that could have been better…” because, after all, I am my own worse critic and even when I “do it right.” But the bottom line is always, “Did you have sex?” The answer is yes and if you got laid, well, that’s still a good thing, ain’t it? And ain’t it better than not being able to get laid at all?

I think so… but that’s me. Expectations wind up being the biggest problem in this and, I’ve found, prevents many of us from just being in the moment and in favor of an expected result… and don’t we tend to the same things over and over and expect a different result?

Yeah, we do…

 
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Posted by on 3 June 2020 in Today's Bisexual Thoughts

 

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Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: “Is It Weird…”

“…to have someone who’s the same sex as you are going down on you and/or you going down on them?”

I’ve heard (and have been asked) this question a lot and my usual response is, “Yeah, it can feel that way and it does because the person doing it isn’t the person who’s supposed to it… you sure as hell ain’t supposed to be doing it.”

There are, of course, those people who firmly believe that no one should ever give or receive head… and I’m sure as hell not talking about them. It’s not like no one knows about cock sucking and pussy eating and we do know that anyone can suck a cock and/or eat a pussy provided they’re so inclined to do so. What makes it weird, again, is that in the same-sex mode, it’s not supposed to be done.

Which doesn’t and hasn’t changed the fact that it gets done… a lot. As I’ve said numerous times, it’s usually the first thing learned in bisexuality and I’ve continued to find it interesting that people can know that this can be done in the same-sex mode but find it weird when it’s them being in that moment of truth.

Okay, first time out of the gate, yep, it looks weird and feels even weirder before anything happens and, yep, forever and always, because it’s not supposed to go down – and the pun is intended – like this. That sense of weirdness continues once things get going until one realizes – and especially if someone of the opposite sex has ever gone down on them – that, hmm, this feels familiar! It should… because the act itself isn’t any different.

Things like technique and skill can be different but as I’ve written lately, the thing that makes it so weird is that we’re thinking about who’s doing it more than what’s about to be done. And, sure enough, if you’re the one about to give some head, whew, does that ever feel weird!

Don’t you feel weird sucking a guy’s dick?”

Um, no, not really… well, kinda but overall, nah… then again, I’ve had decades to banish any feelings of weirdness and, for the record, yeah – the first time I ate pussy was seriously weird but just like sucking dick, hmm, this shit is fun once you get used to it.

Despite the weirdness of it, many people find that once their gird their loins and say, “Fuck it!” in their head and do it, wow, how about that? This wasn’t as bad as they thought it would be. Still feels kinda weird and as evidenced by the many times I’ve heard a guy say, “I don’t believe I just did that!” And a lot of people have had their minds blown to understand, in an instant, how “normal” it feels and some are equally mind-blown to realize that they just sucked a dick or eaten a pussy… and as if they’d been doing it all along.

Does it feel any different from a guy/gal doing it?

Yes. No. We think it does and that it should but, again, we’re thinking about who’s doing it. With some of the guys I’ve given their first male blow job, I often ask or tell them to close their eyes, not because I don’t want them to watch me working them over but because their eyes can send some conflicting messages: Your eyes tell you there’s a guy sucking your dick and your brain knows it and, well, a guy’s not supposed to be doing that. So close your eyes and if you can, don’t think about who’s doing it – think about what’s being done.

Ya almost can’t stop yourself from looking because it’s so weird to be a girl and there’s another girl giving you the business when you’re more used to a guy down there. I’ve suggested to guys to close their eyes but I’ve not been surprised to see that when I look up at them, their eyes are open and watching. And, by the way, I do love the looks some guys can get on their faces, from what I call the “no big deal” look to the “I don’t fucking believe he’s sucking my dick!” look.

And the “This feels good” look. I mean, who knew, right? A lot of people know and you’re just now one of many who knows. Weird? You betcha! Feels amazing to get it and give it? Usually but that depends on how long it takes for an individual to get over how fucking weird the whole thing is. Some get over it pretty quickly and some don’t – might take a few moments and, indeed, some still feel weird after the fact.

This is gonna take some getting used to, huh?

Pretty much, yeah. Some are “naturals” at it and there’s no real adjustment period but for others, yep, it’s gonna take x-amount of time to readjust one’s thinking about this. How come something that’s supposed to be so bad feel so good? Um, because it’s supposed to feel good?

Does it get easier the more you do it?

Usually but the “hard part” about this is convincing yourself to do it again but, yeah, “practice makes perfect” and all that. Again, a lot of it depends on how long it takes for one to get over how fucking weird it was the first time and dealing with the massive thoughts and feelings connected with doing something you weren’t supposed to do in the first place. Some do tend to struggle the second time around and a lot of it can be worrying about whether they’re doing it right (or it’s being done right) and whether it’s satisfying or not.

In this, I say to many that while worrying about it is pretty normal, it’s often a matter of personal pride in that no one wants to be tagged at being lousy at giving head or someone who can’t handle getting head. If you’re gonna do it, you wanna be good at it because, well, because. At some point, bleh – someone is going to think and maybe have the audacity to tell you that it wasn’t good for them and that’s not gonna feel good at all (a great understatement) but don’t let that fuck with your head and more so when you’re just learning this and if anything else, it should motivate you to work on perfecting your technique and even your ability to enjoy being the one getting head from someone who, again, ain’t supposed to be giving it to you.

What if I can’t do it?

Then you can’t. I’m not ever gonna lie to anyone about this when I say it’s not as easy as it might seem to be or as one might think. And I do mean it’s not easy to give head or to receive it in this way. That mental block that’s been installed into everyone just makes it too damned weird for either thing to happen even when it’s what you want to do. The thing here is if you find that you can’t, don’t force yourself to do it and by all mean don’t let the other person goad you into doing it. The “mistake” a lot of people make here is knowing that they’re having a problem doing it or getting it but the other person is expecting them to keep their word and do it/get it done and they’re gonna get very pissy if it doesn’t happen.

I’ll tell anyone that if you can’t, then don’t. Just stop. If the other person gets pissed about it, too bad and if they don’t understand why you couldn’t, that’s not your problem but they’re gonna make it your problem and you shouldn’t allow that, either. Some do stop… then get their stuff together and continue and some just can’t. All very normal because this is some seriously weird shit for one’s mind to cope with all at once.

And it’s my lifelong position that there is no shame at all if you can’t.

I feel so guilty – is that normal?

Yes, it is very normal: You just got finished doing some shit you weren’t supposed to do and what you did has always been seen as a very bad thing to do. I just happen to know that the guilty feeling that’s now kicking your ass isn’t always due to the moral dilemma. The short version is that along the way, you depleted a bunch of chemicals that, once the tank is empty, yep – you’re gonna feel pretty shitty and feeling “guilty” will make you believe that what just happened didn’t feel good… while you were doing it.

It’s my thought that guys feel this… depletion guilt more than women do and, honestly? If the ladies do feel guilty, they don’t make a big deal out of it and if they’d even admit it. You run your tank of feel good chemicals dry and it just stops you from wanting – and being able – to have sex immediately afterward. True enough, many learn to work through this moment and it ain’t that easy because your body is telling you it’s game over but your mind is saying that there’s still work to be done, i.e., getting them off. It’s a very ugly feeling and very much resembles moral guilt and, believe it or not, pretty much everyone feels it when having “normal” boy/girl sex but the difference here is that over time, you just learn not to pay so much attention to it even though you do feel like you don’t wanna do it again, well, not right now – give me a few, okay?

This feeling is more pronounced and noticeable because, yeah, y’all just got done doing something you weren’t supposed to be doing and the depletion ties in nicely with the moral dilemma.

Damn; why do you know so much about this shit?

Because I do and I made it one of my missions in life to understand this from it being weird as fuck and why you might feel horribly guilty. I felt them at one point in my life and I wanted to know why, to really get into the guts of the question I asked myself so very long ago. It’s bad because they say it is but it feels good but it can feel bad at the same time and morality, as we believe, isn’t always the culprit. I’ve talked to so many people over my life about these things to find out what they think, how they feel and why the way they think and feel the way they do and, yep, I’ve had over five decades to study this.

Yep… that’s a long time to be doing some shit I was never supposed to be doing from sex with guys to, yeah, even eating pussy which is something a lot of guys still don’t believe guys are supposed to be doing – just too weird for them.

I can tell you that sucking cock/eating pussy for the first time can be very damned weird. Hell, just being naked with someone who’s the same sex as you are can be very damned weird all by itself – and you will please note that I did not say “gender” because it’s irrelevant and has nothing to do with giving and receiving head from someone who, morally, you shouldn’t even be thinking about doing. The “Hearts, Not Parts” gang will most definitely disagree with this and tell you that none of this should be about the parts…

When giving head is about the parts. Cocks. Coochies. Breasts and nipples. Lips and tongues. All those parts including the actual skin you’re in. It’s weird as fuck and whether you can get over the weirdness of it to do it or have it done, well, that’s up to you to figure out. What I know is that you’re either gonna figure it out or you aren’t. No biggie. An untold number of people figure it out and the same number of people can’t and don’t. It’s either gonna fuck with you big time or it won’t.

Weird. Some even say that it’s weird but in a good way. Belief – and as I’ve been talking about here of late – plays into this as well: You either believe it can’t and shouldn’t be done or you believe that you just might be able to indulge in this “forbidden” pleasure. And people do, in fact, give and get head like this. Every day. Even at this exact moment. Everywhere in the world.

And if you accept that this is true (and it is), um, how weird can it really be? A few hundred million people or more can’t all be wrong about this, can they?

You decide, you know, if ya want to.

 
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Posted by on 1 June 2020 in Today's Bisexual Thoughts

 

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