Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: 11 September 23 @ 1525

We will never forget. Never.

So, I saw an email from Quora with someone asking how they can uphold the teachings of the bible being someone with homosexual desires and my first thought was, “You can’t…” and more so when this seems like a conflict of interest; you’re either going to uphold and stay true to what the Old Testament has to say about this, or you aren’t.

If anything, it’s about maintaining your belief in God more than what the bible has to say about these things and more so when, obviously, there are a lot of people who thumb their nose at that Old Testament stuff and, as I pointed out to my pastor one Sunday, “We’re not Hebrew so do these things still apply to us?” and especially when his sermon was all about the Hebrew people and their trials and tribulations and as told in the Book of Exodus.

He said that they did; I just nodded and in my “we’re going to agree to disagree” way because of the shellfish prohibition… and I knew way too many Baptists that love their shrimp and other shellfish – including myself. Still, I was already aware of the crisis of faith a lot of men and women were experiencing because they either had those homosexual desires and wanted to explore them or they took the plunge, found that it was good and then some but… they disobeyed God and all that stuff in Leviticus and now they’re seriously upset about what they were feeling, thinking, and what they may have done.

The gross hypocrisy I was aware of among churchgoers who’d get to thumping their bibles and decrying all manner of sins… and were sinning their asses off and especially this one deacon I knew had a love of sucking dick and being boned in the ass and had a preference for young adult males.

The crisis of faith is a real thing for so many people but it’s the basis of this: Which thing are you going to believe? What the bible has to say about these things… or what the reality of things are? The many homosexuals that I’ve heard say that if God didn’t mean for them to be this way, they wouldn’t be this way or that they made their peace with God and… they’re okay with being the way they are.

You’re either going to be devout… or you aren’t. You’re either going to resist temptations… or you won’t be able to. Oh, I remember a moment in the early days where, on Saturday, I’d had sex with, um, like five or six guys but on Sunday, our pastor was preaching his ass off about the sins of the flesh and the greater sin of homosexuality and, yeah, it felt like he was talking directly to me and like he knew what I’d done the day before and it unnerved me to no end; later in life, I’d recall this moment and understand that, for one, he wasn’t really talking to or about me but his sermon was designed to make one either toe the line or feel bad for not toeing it and, importantly, death comes for all of us.

I remember my crisis of faith… but. I was still and very happily having sex in the unapproved ways – homosexually and fornication – and… still alive. Didn’t get struck down from heaven and as our pastor would preach would be a given if you didn’t obey God’s Word and as written in the bible. Even then, I realized that… one of these things wasn’t right and went on a “crusade” to find out which thing was really wrong and, importantly, religion wants us to take it on faith that what those admonishments in the Old Testament will happen to you if you disobey.

But everyone dies. Heaven, hell, and life after death may or may not be real or, as I read in a book, “Everyone wants to go to heaven, but no one wants to die to get there.” Knowing that I was going to die someday unnerved me more than spending time having sex with guys and kid logic said, “Well, if you’re gonna die anyway, you might as well keep doing it…”

Crisis averted and disposed of. I don’t have a lot of belief in the bible or what religion teaches but, yeah, sure, I believe in God and that He gave us all free will after the Garden of Eden debacle; someone told me that because I was having sex with guys, I was going to die and go to hell and I said, “Well, I won’t be there by myself…” which “inspired” them to do some more preaching – and preaching that fell on deaf ears because I might not have believed what the bible had to say… but I sure as hell believed in the reality of human nature.

That reality was showing me that having sex with boys could be just as good – and sometimes better – than having sex with girls. Oh, my – it felt so good to be so bad! Or remembering that time when I was in the club and saw a male member of our church in there getting his drink on and “consorting” with women who weren’t his wife and… he wanted to suck my dick and he was very good at it and despite being a “devout Christian” and as he would often and loudly proclaim. Which was fine with me because I knew the truth of things: If you want to do, you’re gonna do it and the words in the bible aren’t the deterrent they were designed to be.

That’s me, of course… but not the many people who have that crisis of faith – and it’s an emotional reaction that can make someone not use their intelligence and, again, as homosexuals were saying, if God didn’t mean for us to have sex with each other like this, He would have made it impossible to be done but since it could, well, hmm.

The crisis of faith is a contradiction: You know what the rules are, but you still feel the way you do; maybe you resist the temptation and like you’re supposed to, or you find that… getting sucked off by a guy or having a gal giving your pussy a damned good eating… feels so incredibly good and normal.

Giving a guy his first experience and he was sorely afraid that God was going to take his life because he was not only having these impure thoughts, he’s sitting before me naked, his dick seriously hard, and he’s got his hand wrapped around mine. He correctly says that we shouldn’t be doing this; I tell him that he’s right about that but we don’t have to if doing so it going to break his faith and belief.

For a first timer, he was… magnificent. He’d set his fears aside – and I did hear him say, “Fuck it…” just before he took me into his mouth and we 69’d the daylights out of each other but now… that moment of absolute clarity that refraction brings to the table and it’s an incredibly ugly feeling and, yep, he’s feeling guilty, he almost threw up because he was so emotionally upset and he was going to confess his sin to his pastor and beg God for forgiveness and, man, it is bad to watch someone go through this and knowing that there’s not a whole lot you can say but I “distracted” him by asking him how he felt throughout things and he told me how good it felt and that he did feel that he was doing the right thing and all I could say to him was, “So, what are you really worried about? I was taught the exact same thing you were taught and you don’t see me being upset about what we just did, do you?”

The reason why something that everyone says is so bad can feel so good is… because it’s supposed to feel good when you have sex. We sit and talk about how he’s feeling and not in terms of the two of us throwing the rules out the window. He calms down and… we go for it again and at his request. Really kinda weird to be sucking a guy and he’s praying to God to forgive him for this sin… and he’s fucking my mouth rather nicely and cuts loose moments later.

He was still conflicted, but I think he kinda got past it when he asked me if I still believed in God and I said that I did – I just no longer believed in what religion teaches about this because, obviously and clearly, it’s not telling the truth. I pointed out to him that if his faith and believe were as strong as it’s supposed to be, he probably wouldn’t have had the thoughts and feelings that brought him to me to talk about it, let alone doing it and, really, it’s okay because a lot of people do this and find that it’s normal and… their faith and belief in God really hasn’t been shaken all that much.

“All the homosexuals in the world can’t be wrong,” I had said to him. “Religion says that you and I aren’t supposed to do what we just did – but it doesn’t say that it can’t be done and, obviously, it can be.”

I asked him, “How do you feel?” and he said that he felt like a great weight had been lifted from him and that, yeah, he had some thinking to do but, well, um, if we were to do it again “for the road,” that wouldn’t necessarily be a bad thing… would it?

I didn’t think so. I felt that he’d gotten past his crisis of faith because… he went crazy having sex with other guys and when he said that he still believed in God, I said, “That’s the right belief to have…” and we got into it and he learned, on this day, that screwing a guy and being screwed… wasn’t all that bad, either.

Religion tells us how to have sex, who we can have sex with, the condition under which we can have sex and if you have sex outside of these rules, well, you’re gonna burn in hell and, in those ancient times, you will be put to death… because God said so. I dared to question that: Did He really say this… or did the people who created religion say it and in order to make people do things the way they’re supposed to be? Oh, I remember asking my pastor how and why God told them to tell us these things but didn’t tell us personally and… God works in mysterious ways, and He only speaks to certain and special people and… really? He knows what’s in our hearts and minds and, okay, I’m sure He does but if He knows that I have sex with males – hypothetically, of course – why hasn’t he punished me yet because I’m alive and well?

Got grounded for a month behind that one. I learned that once the lie has been exposed, shedding the belief in religion tends to happen… but not one’s belief in God. The fact that so many of us continue to believe in something that hasn’t changed over all this time… but we – humans – have been changing all along the way and, yep, having sex in the ways that are prohibited and with the understanding that having sex – period – is good, normal, natural and healthy for us to do so, um, does it really matter who we’re having sex with? Religion says it does; human nature has something very different to say and… which thing is right?

The crisis of faith gets dealt with the moment someone understands that… human nature is right and religion, eh, not so much. It’s heresy to speak out against religion and, as always, I don’t and never will speak ill about anyone who believes what religion teaches but, look around you; open your eyes and your mind and see the reality that has always been with us and the reality that religion would prefer we don’t pay any attention to.

I know that I lost my belief in religion because I knew of pastors and ministers who were sinning their asses off but come Sunday, bouncing around the pulpit and flinging fire and brimstone while admonishing the congregation to never sin but if you do, beg God for forgiveness; all will be forgiven and go forth and sin no more and, yeah, like that was really going to happen.

I’m thinking that this one pastor wasn’t as devout as he’s supposed to be when he asked my wife if he could fuck her and telling her that I didn’t have to know about it. She told me that he’d hit on her and… I had a word with him about it and reminded him that he should be practicing what he’s been preaching and, oh, yeah – approach her like that again and find out what I’m gonna do about it and God’s not going to save you and I won’t have a problem standing up next Sunday and telling the whole congregation what you tried to do.

“This isn’t a threat: It’s a promise and if you don’t believe me, well, try me,” I said. “By the way, she wanted me to tell you that she wouldn’t have sex with you even if her life depended on it and she’d heard that you suck at sex, and you have a really small dick…”

It seems to me that if ministers of faith aren’t going to play by the rules, expecting and demanding that everyone else does… stinks of hypocrisy. Kinda really tells you more about human nature than anything else and, yeah, which thing are you going to believe?

The many people around the world who have and enjoy homosexual sex… can’t all be wrong – it’s just that religion says they are. The power of belief is formidable; in this context, it covers our eyes to the truth of things or, don’t believe what so many people are doing – believe what I’m telling you about not doing it… or you will perish and burn in hell.

If you believe, then you do. Never and disrespect meant or implied. I, along with a lot of other men and women, know the truth: The way it’s supposed to be is all well and good… but it’s not the only way of things and the fact that someone, somewhere in the world, is finding this out for themselves and at this very moment that you’re reading this. Are they sinners? Religion says so… but are they really just being human?

Just a matter of which thing you’re going to believe. My mother asked me why I stopped coming to church and I told her that I couldn’t deal with the hypocrisy and, bluntly, the bullshit that goes on in church. That I felt better to keep God in my heart than to sit there and listen to stuff that… I just can’t believe in. She wasn’t happy to hear this but said that it’s more important to keep God in my heart and that I shouldn’t let the bad behaviors of others get in the way of my faith.

My faith is fine, but I don’t have to subject myself to religious teachings that I know are flawed or be around “Christians” who have proven to me that they’re not as devout as they’d have you believe and, yeah, you can probably guess how I know this… and you wouldn’t be wrong in your guesses.

So many bisexuals have this crisis of faith; many get past it and some… can’t or don’t and, really, there’s nothing wrong in this but I have found that once a guy finds out that getting a blowjob from another guy ain’t as bad as he believed it would be – and as bad as he was told it is – that crisis of faith just… goes away. Retaining a belief in God? Sure. Continuing to believe what religion says? Not so much. And, yeah, a lot of men and women find this kind of sex exciting and satisfying because it’s prohibited and a mortal sin.

Hmm. I still have the nerve to speak on this because it’s very much a part of why people are bisexual and the stuff they have to content with because what we’ve been told to believe very much conflicts with what can happen… if you want to. You don’t have to and this, too, is fine but, yeah, I have a nice big pair of balls to speak to a truth that religion doesn’t want you to believe.

 

KDaddy’s General Observations: This is 2023

This is… kinda a political rant. Kind of.

I was born in the 1950s and had the morals of the time mashed into my head. From kindergarten to the sixth grade, we said the Lord’s Prayer and recited the Pledge of Allegiance every day until some woman succeeded in having prayer removed from schools and by the time I got to, oh, maybe it was the eighth grade, we were no longer reciting the Pledge of Allegiance at the start of our school day.

We learned about the American Revolution and we learned about the Constitution and what it meant as well as being able to recite the preamble from memory. One of the things a sharp social studies teachers laid on us was what “separation of church and state” meant and it all pointed back to one of the reason why the Pilgrims left England: While King George was sitting on the throne, it was very well known and clear that the Archbishop of Canterbury and the Church of England was really running things and citing and mandating doctrine and being all up in the king’s ear.

The Founding Fathers didn’t want religious leaders dictating policy to the newly established government because it was, again, one of the reasons they left and right along with having the freedom to worship as they wanted to and to be able to speak as they wanted to without winding up in a dungeon or worse. Still, one of the things that confused me was understanding that much of our morality (at that time) was based on things religious and that included the great angst, prejudice, and hatred toward homosexuals. Racial prejudice was… just a part of the life I was born into but at the political level, a candidate’s ability to do the job they were campaigning for often included their religious beliefs; someone who didn’t have a “confirmed” belief in a major religion wasn’t likely to be elected.

I used to “eavesdrop” on my elders and the arguments they’d often have about politics, Democrats, and Republicans and they would be pretty vicious and I’d learn some new cuss words, too. It seemed to me that Republicans were all about doing things “the old way” and were very resistant to change and they were all about making the rich… richer and if poor people had to suffer, well, too bad. Democrats, on the other hand, didn’t have a problem with changing things and not fans of the rich standing on the backs of the poor; indeed, in school, we learned about… class systems and that the Founding Fathers did not want this happening in the new country. I’d hear adults arguing that a class system did exist while others insisted that, okay, that’s not how it’s supposed to be.

The TV show, “Leave it to Beaver” was very popular at the time because they were the “All-American family” and became the example of what being right and moral mean; there were quite a few shows that reflected what I would learn was called “The Moral Majority” and that meant all of the people whose “job” it was to be the watchdogs of our moral righteousness and strong religious beliefs. Ah, but here comes “Flower Power” and what was called “The Great Sexual Revolution” where hippies and other malcontents were thumbing their noses at morality and even deemed to be anti-American because of the protests over our involvement in Vietnam. Things were changing and there were many who resisted this… departure from morality and religious beliefs. Democrats wanted to change things and Republicans wanted things to stay the same and as things were before some folks got “rebellious” and even having the nerve to speak out against religion.

Even I had reason to question the morality that was pounded into my head once bisexuality came to visit me. I would learn that our morality, such as it is, isn’t exactly wrong but this is the danged United States of America and a country where, supposedly, we are free to be whoever – and whatever – we wanted to be. I remember the clusterfuck of Roe v. Wade and how it became part of our politics and I was aware that the arguments against women getting abortions was too much like the Catholic Church’s prohibition against any form of contraception while women were starting to (once again) stand up for their rights, burning their bras, and making a fuss about things and rightfully so, I thought.

I grew up in a family that, on both sides, was 100% Democratic. If you were a Republican or even believed in what the Republican Party was preaching, well, running into one of my relatives would be a bad thing but, as I was taught, that’s why you don’t talk about politics or religion. I remember when they lowered the age to vote from 21 to 18 and I was hyped to be able to vote and my maternal grandfather had told me that if I was going to be a Republican, well, my ass was going to be in trouble. I believed him, too – his nickname wasn’t “Temp” for nothing. Still, it was my choice and decision to make and I’d had a lot of time to check out both political parties and chose to be a Democrat because this was now the 1970s and the 1950s were “far behind” me.

Now, back then, not all Republicans were… hidebound assholes who were doing everything they could to keep things in a 1950s kind of way while continuing to make the rich even richer and doing whatever they could to get rid of things that people who weren’t rich needed. I watched helplessly as the social programs I grew up with were done away with because Republicans said they cost too much money and, well, from what I could see, anything that wasn’t putting money in rich people’s pockets could not be tolerated but, again, some Republicans were not totally in line with the Republican Party doctrine. Hell, some of my home state’s governors and members of Congress were Republicans who were, well, doing good things and like the Democratic Party was trying to do. I met them, talked to them and, okay, they’re Republican but not like the others.

I’ve never been a political animal. I normally don’t pay attention to politics until – or unless – I have reason to. Governments were being corrupted by outside groups who were paying members of Congress to enact laws that favored them but might not have been good for everyone and all kinds of scandals were appearing and at every level. As I continued to get older, eh, bleh, I felt that we were moving away from the way the Founding Fathers intended this country to be and religious beliefs, in the form of our very persistent morality, was starting to run things and, well, that’s not what’s supposed to be happening, right?

Then… Donald Trump. I was totally shocked that he won. One of the few times when the person who lost the popular vote by a landslide became president. the Electoral College, for “the longest time,” was suspect and allegations of voter fraud was a common allegation when an election didn’t go the way someone thought it should have gone. Okay, he was running for president again and I remember he failed miserably but this time, he… made a move from being an Independent to having the backing of the Republican Party and… everything I used to believe in went right into the shitter.

Stay with me. George Bush “the second” was a Republican and one that made the list of worse president to hold office and along side Jimmy Carter, a Democratic, who was said to be… toothless and ineffective as president but, yeah, George Bush made it to the number one spot… only to be replaced by Donald Trump. He wins the election and I thought, shit, this is going to be some fucked up shit but I had no idea how fucked up it was going to get until COVID-19 paid us a visit. In my opinion only, Trump was like Nero and just kicking back and fiddling while Rome burned. But wait – it would get even worse and there isn’t a one of us who couldn’t see it and especially the people who voted for him because the crazy-assed decisions he was making was pretty much fucking everyone in the ass and without lube or even kissing us first.

Then January 6. An attempt to not only overthrow the government but to subvert and imply that he lost his bid for relection due to voter fraud and the likes this country has never seen before. Making bids to throw out the election results and reinstate him as president and he’s still at it. The rabblerousers were coming out of the woodwork to back him up and, well, I didn’t know about anyone else but this man was insane and he failed in his oath to protect the Constitution and this country against all enemies foreign and domestic. It was, in part, the same oath I took when I enlisted in the USAF. And he had the unmitigated gall to sit back and do nothing while the Capitol was under attack and, as reported, he didn’t think there was anything wrong with it.

There’s been a… feel of a lot of people who, by chance, happen to be Republican and believers in the way Trump wants to do things, that would love this country being rolled back to the 1950s where our strong religious beliefs mandated our morality. In a country famous for free speech, I am reading and hearing about books being banned and the shit going on in Florida right now keeps me getting my WTF face in place. I have no fucking idea why the Supreme Court overturned Roe v. Wade or why this landmark case happened in the first place because the Constitution guarantees our liberties… or I thought it did because I was taught that it did. I keep reading about him making a bid for the presidency and… we cannot allow this to happen. We cannot allow the Republican Party to make their unchanging agenda our way of life and like we’re back in the 1950s again. A politician’s religious beliefs cannot and should not carry any weight in the decisions that governments, from city to state to federal, has to make for the American people. By the people, for the people.

All politicians have to be severely remind that we don’t work for them: They work for us. They’re supposed to represent our interests without their own interests getting in the way of things. I get that there are a lot of people who wish that things were the way they used to be but I think it’s common sense that we cannot progress or even evolve if we keep doing things the way they were done and believed way back when I was born. I used to watch that BBC show (and, no, I am not talking about Big Black Cocks) that looked in on Parliament in the UK and, holy shit – what a fiasco! It was entertaining and, for me, it was like watching white kids getting away with cussing their parents out and knowing that if I even said a word that sounded like a curse to my parents, well, I would seriously regret it. I thought that Parliament was the circus to end all circuses but, okay, this was how they did things but Congress, with all this Democrat versus Republican crap, is starting to look like the UK’s Parliament as far as a circus is concerned.

The Republicans believe that their way is the best way to run this country and their way had proven time and time again to be more detrimental than anything else unless you were rich or a rich corporation. I’ve been seeing a lot of shit about the Second Amendment and, well, I don’t know where these people went to school but their interpretation of this Amendment isn’t what I was taught it was and what it was meant to be. I know Joe Biden. I have sat and talked to him personally when he was out talking to us and when he was running for reelection in Congress. He’s… a piece of work but I wouldn’t say that as a member of Congress, he didn’t represent us and like he was supposed to. His… antics as a US Senator are very well known and it… galls me to hear people denigrating the man and… they have no idea who he is but those of us who live in the State of Delaware? We know Joe. He’s one of us. The guy who replaced him when he became Vice-President had – and still has – some very big shoes to fill. He’s not perfect and, well, yeah, he’s not perfect.

One of the things I learned was how a POTUS who was going out of office would leave… a mess for the incoming POTUS to clean up or try to. I thought I was “crazy” thinking that the outgoing guy was sabotaging the incoming guy and especially when it was a party change. But, yeah, it was happening, and I remember George Bush taking credit for everything Bill Clinton had done but how Barack Obama got blamed for messing up everything that George did and, yep, Trump and his followers were taking credit for the good things that Obama had done and when Trump left office, left one hell of a mess for Joe Biden and his administration to clean up – and he’s being blamed for a mess he didn’t make. Trump is stirring shit up and other Republican in office are rolling us back to the 1950s and because they believe that they’re right… and they aren’t.

We can’t go backwards, nor can we be… stuck in the past. Don’t get me wrong: There’s a lot of things that I wish were like “the good old days” but I have to face the reality that those days are gone. This is 2023 and Republicans trying to regress us back to the era that I was born is… irreprehensible. I learned that it’s true that those who refuse to change will be left behind and in the way things have been changing in the country, there are a lot of people who don’t like… being left behind; they’re happy with the way it used to be and, again, based on the prevailing morality of the 1950s. Americans all over the country are… losing their ever-loving minds and over, well, damned near everything.

When Trump took office, I feared for this country for the first time in my life. I… fear for this country given how Republicans are working very hard to make their view of things the only way America can be and based on some now-outdated shit. What worked back in 1950 cannot keep working in 2023 and beyond. We cannot allow Donald Trump and the Republican Party to undo everything we have worked hard to do.

I have a friend who I love with all my heart and soul. I see her posting her support for Trump and the Republican Party and I find it hard to believe that a woman I know to be a damned intelligent one is… drinking the Kool-Aid. She knows Joe because she lived here for a very long time and I had never, ever heard her say anything bad about him but now? I… don’t know who she is now but, yeah, I still love her because it’s not her political views that matters in this but I see them and, wow. I don’t know how or why she supports that crazy shit happening in Florida or she’s saying the stuff she is about transgendered children and a need to protect them from abusive parents and fine with denying existing trans children the things they need to make their transition a successful one. She’s not the only one I know of who, I guess, likes how the Kool-Aid is tasting. People that I respected because they were, to me, level-headed and looked at things clearly. It’s not that I don’t respect them but it’s just sad to watch what they’re saying and doing.

I had to get this out of my system. If any Republicans are reading this and you’re offended by what I said, I’m not going to apologize for it because… you should know better. I wouldn’t dare say that Democrats “have all the right answers” because they don’t and some of them are just as guilty of holding America back as the Republican Party has been. Donald Trump wants to be… dictator for life. The Constitution does not allow for this, and we cannot, in good conscious, elect a man who sat and watched insurrection and sedition happening and didn’t do a damned thing about it.

I was born in the 1950s and I have no desire or need to relive the things that went on back then. We’re supposed to be better than that. We are supposed to be one nation, yeah, under God, with liberty and justice for all and… we aren’t so much at this point in time and if we allow people to keep regressing us back to the past and the way it used to be, I fear for this country…

 

Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: 24 February 23, 1413 hours

I had yet another interesting conversation with my protege about sex, sexuality and… religion. The conversation started with him sending me pics of the men who wanted to get with him which is nothing unusual; he gets hundreds of these requests every day and across the two or three “dating” apps he’s signed up with. He wasn’t at home – he’d been visiting with his mom – and he is often amazed at the number of men looking for sex in the area where his mom lives.

Personally, I’m not all that surprised. When the apps first hit the scene, I was initially surprised to see how many guys within walking distance of where I lived that were looking to, ah, exchange genetic material with other like-minded men. Once GPS locator tech was incorporated into the apps, I saw that no matter where in the country I went, there were lots of men looking to get busy and from all walks of life. A couple of years ago, my protege went to Cuba on vacation and one of the things he told me after he got there was how his apps were blowing up with Cuban males looking at his profile.

So much for the notion of not being able to find a guy to have sex with, huh?

The two of us got to talking about the guys inviting him over to get laid and what was being offered and/or asked for and it was what I’d call (and for him) a mix of things from mutual blowjobs to “flip-flop fucking” to guys just looking to bury their bone in his backyard. Now, it’s not as if he’s not had a few bones buried in his backyard but we got to talking about what guys fear when it comes to sex with other guys and I allowed that, yes, it’s all very scary until you find out that it’s not all that scary. I’d mentioned – again – that I’ve been with a lot of guys who were very afraid to have the oral sex they said they were curious about, wanted, and/or desperately needed but, after the fact, they all pretty much wondered what they were afraid of.

I also reminded him that he was once just as afraid as those guys I’d been with and that once it happened and was done with, he, too, wondered what he’d been afraid of. Any time we get on the subject of fear, religion winds up being part of the conversation. I think he’d gotten in this frame of mind because he went to church on Ash Wednesday and reminded me that he’s Catholic and I don’t pretend to understand what that service is like – but I know what it’s like for Baptists – but I supposed that going to service got him thinking about all the religious prohibitions against the sex that a lot of men and women partake of and in direct violation of those prohibitions.

We got to talking about heaven and hell and if they were, well, real. I mentioned that religion has a lot of self-fulfilling things that cannot be proved but also cannot be disproved – you just take it on faith that what religion is telling you is the truth… and it isn’t. I’d even shared with him a thought I’d had earlier in life about having fun committing the sin of lying with a man and knowing the biblical punishment was death by stoning; I’d reasoned that death is inevitable and inescapable and if I was going to die for committing this sin and going to hell for it, well, in for a penny, in for quite a few pounds. I’d tell folks, during such conversations, that I’d already made my reservation for hell, I got my ticket, and that I’d be there in lots of good company. I’d grow up a lot more and have conversations with people on this subject and there was lots of talk about only living once and doing what one has to do in order to make the best of the time we have and if it was having sex in the ways it’s been prohibited, well, okay.

My protege and I [again] talked about how this fear is a conditioned one; it was given to us and hammered into our minds. I had learned about what caused the conflict I’d see a lot of guys become embroiled in because, one the one hand, God said that having sex with another man was evil and a sin but, on the other, man – that really felt good. Not only did it feel good but it felt normal and natural. I’ve personally heard so many men say this that I was of a mind that one of these things couldn’t be right and determined that religion was the thing that wasn’t right.

He and I are talking about this but I was also thinking about how this contradiction used to get me into trouble and that one time when I was encouraged to read the bible from the beginning and if I had any questions, ask them. Well, in retrospect, they shouldn’t have told me that because I wanted to know where all the people came from if God created Adam, then Eve, they got kicked out of Eden and told to go ye forth an multiply, they had Cain and Able but Cain slew Able and made to wander the earth alone… but the next chapters had a lot of begetting going on – and I had to look up the word “begetting” and, okay, Cain had had sex with a woman who had a child and, wow, that list of begetting was really long… but where did the other people come from because there was no mention of other people being in the world.

That one got me grounded for a month, but it was the beginning of me thinking that something wasn’t right. It took me a lot of years to figure it out; it took asking a lot of questions that made a lot of people very uncomfortable; it took a lot of digging and searching for stuff to read but it became clear to me that what religion commanded us to believe was the thing that was not quite right and especially where certain sins were concerned: Fornication and homosexuality. I had wondered why these two things were sins and after more questions and more searching and reading, I found out why.

Basically, religion didn’t want us having sex that wasn’t making babies. So, it scared us into doing things the way it said… or else.

We’re still talking about religion’s role in suppressing our natural urges to have sex and I’d mentioned the thing I’d read a week or so ago where, in the UK, there was some concern over the big decline in people going to church and it was discovered that people there were/are starting to not state their affiliation with a religion. He and I [again] talked about believing in God but even I was aware of a great disbelief in religion and more so when, here at home, there have been so many religious scandals and many of them centered around adultery, fornication, homosexuality and under-aged sex. Not by members of congregations but perpetrated by those who stood behind the pulpit and doing the preaching.

This fear has been handed down from one generation to the next that’s just a matter of fact… but so is the fact that this conditioned fear either didn’t “take hold” or people were finding that having sex in this very prohibited way… wasn’t as scary as they were made to believe it to be. That and the many people who just didn’t believe in religion at all. When we were talking about this departure from religion, I’d said that I didn’t find it to be all that unusual since religion has been in a steady decline all along and around the world and as evidenced by the many people who were just walking away from their religion so that they could live their lives the way they wanted to.

Which included men who wanted, needed, or was curious about having sex with other men. I allowed that this is pretty scary… until you find that there’s no reason to be afraid of it and that there is a reason why so many men and women have said that having sex this way felt normal and natural: Because it is. It’s just wrong because religion said it is and, obviously, it has continually failed to keep everyone in line and in obeyance of its mandates. The two of us got into the… nitty gritty of things.

Sucking dick and relieving a guy of his seed… feels pretty amazing and ditto when it’s your seed being snatched and, as they’re saying these days, right along with your soul. Digging in someone’s backyard, well, yeah, okay, yuck, but once one gets used to it, it’s… less yucky; yeah, it hurts like the dickens the first time your backyard is being dug into… until you get used to it and find the pleasure in it. I’ve theorized that there are a lot of men and women in the world who are of a mind that if they only get one pass at this thing we call life, they might as well be “all-in” and enjoy all that life has to offer which includes sex… and including the sex that is religiously prohibited… because it’s sex and sex feels wonderful, well, on the whole of it since one’s experiences are going to vary.

I’m in my 20s and having sex with men in their 40s and 50s and one “recurring theme” I became aware of was some of those men making the decision to have sex like this because they didn’t want to be on their deathbeds and thinking about all the thing they should have done but, yeah, they’re not going to be able to do them. Those men had other reasons for having sex with men but damned near all of them cited that, yeah, you only live once… so why not?

Which is the question that comes up every time my protege and I have these kinds of conversations. You don’t have to, of course, but, sure – if you want to, then why not? That people will and can come up with a slew of reasons why they shouldn’t is, at least from where I’m sitting, a given but a lot of people are taking those reasons and eliminating them until they’re able to do that which we are religiously – and thus, morally – not permitted to do. It is to note that it’s not just men making such decisions for themselves; we’re just the ones who get the most attention since we are religiously prohibited to have sex with each other… because it doesn’t make babies.

I remember mentioning this to someone and they said that I was wrong in this assessment and… they started preaching about what God said and that we had to obey His edict that was handed down to Adam and Eve to go ye forth and multiply and I just stood there and waited for them to have what I’d said hit them upside their head and it didn’t take long, either. Now they’re backpedaling and avoided saying that I might be right about what I said and started preaching about the sin of masturbation and, again, I just waited to see if they were going to make the connection between a man spilling his seed upon the ground and what I said about this being about making babies. I saw the moment they made the connection, and they backpedaled all the way back to saying that God said we shouldn’t do these things and get involved in the pleasures of the flesh.

And then I hit them with the fact that these pleasures of the flesh are allowed when people are in a relationship – aka, being married and keeping only unto themselves and all that. And… they had nothing to say about that but, then again, I didn’t expect them to. I was told and taught all of the stuff that this person was throwing in my face and that it was the only way and reasons to have sex, but I learned that, nope, not the only way or reason to. I was proclaimed to be a sinner – and not for the first time – and I might have said something about he who is without sin casting the first stone and… it shut them up. I “graduated” from sinner to heathen (and not for the first time, either) and told I was going to die and go to hell.

My protege and I ended this conversation; I had mentioned that death comes for all of us, both saints and sinners and if there is an afterlife, well, hmm. That might be a problem for me, him, and a lot of men and women around the world. But just like I said to a guy who turned me down for sex because of my age, “I’m not dead yet – don’t let my age fool you.” I learned that religion – and it’s promises of horrible deaths and eternal damnation for disobedience – just mindfucked us and, really, for good reason considering when in our existence as a species, all of this came to be. It is a method of control and one that religion has had us in its grip for the longest time. It started its decline when preachers started with that “do as I say, not as I do” stuff that even my parents used to tell me but I would understand that by saying this, they were telling me not to make the same mistakes that they did and, at least in my mind, that was different from what I was hearing preachers saying and especially those who weren’t exactly practicing what they were preaching – and then committing sins in the name of God and saying that God understands and forgives.

But telling us on Sundays that God isn’t so understanding and forgiving toward those who disobey. Hmm. I was 35 and giving a 55-year-old his first cocksucking experience. I had asked him why he wanted/needed to do this, and part of his explanation was, “I’m gonna die one of these days so I might as well do this.” He was afraid of everything there is to be afraid of but definitely afraid of how this would affect his relationship with God. He’d asked if I was concerned with this and I truthfully told him that my relationship with God was fine but I understood what scared him about what he wanted to. It’s okay. Everyone is afraid that first time and he didn’t have to go through with this if he didn’t want to.

He did. We did it. I’m checking to see if he’s okay and he was and one of the first coherent things he said to me was, “I don’t know what I was afraid of.” I knew why he was. For me, it’s always… special to see a guy be exposed to the truth and, usually, realized that he was mindfucked into believing something that isn’t the whole truth – it’s just the way things are supposed to be and a way that is never to be questioned. Before we did it again, he asked me how I knew so much about this and I said, “It’s because I was that kid who always asked why about things I didn’t understand and this, what we just finished doing, was one of the things I wanted to find the answers to my questions of why boys/men shouldn’t do this – but we do it just the same.”

I don’t besmirch anyone’s religious beliefs. They are what they are. For us, perception is reality, but it shouldn’t be – the truth is the real reality and part of that truth is… two guys get together and can have sex with each other… if they want to. Males have always done this, and we continue to despite the religious mandates not to. When I was young, I wanted to know why we couldn’t or wasn’t supposed to because, wow, it felt amazingly good. Not as good as having sex with a girl but right up there as a very close second. It feels good… because it’s supposed to feel good’ it feels normal and natural because for humans, it is – because having sex is both normal and natural.

Each and every moment of each and every day, there are men and women finding out what I’ve known all along. Religion, such as it is and as we understand it, isn’t really wrong – it’s just not really all that right. I’ve always had the thought that because this particular sin is the one most talked about, hmm, there had to be a reason why it was made a sin and other than “God said so.” My protege figured out on his own that religion preys on our innate fear of death and promises life eternal for those who does what it says, and eternal damnation for those who don’t.

I’m thinking my ass is in the deep doo-doo and… I’m okay with that. I am, if nothing else, human. The sins of the flesh… can feel pretty damned good. It’s… worth the possibility of burning in hell and even that is iffy since once something is done, it can never be undone so this eternal punishment… serves no real purpose but if it does, well, I’m screwed. Just the way I feel about it; does not reflect what others think and feel but I learned that a life lived in fear is a life not worth living and I’m not afraid to suck the cum out of a man; I’m not afraid of him doing the same to me and no more than I’m afraid of being fucked or the one doing the fucking. There are things to be wary of because, well, there’s also a reason why it’s said that sex is both dirty and nasty. Religion made us afraid to have sex; religion shames us for having sex outside of what they say is allowable. I met a woman once who told me that the only reason for her to have sex was to have children so if I was trying to have sex with her, I would not get her to commit the sin of fornication.

The thing was that I wasn’t trying to get into her panties, but I found what she had to say pretty interesting. Since she brought the sex thing up, I asked her what she does when her body tells her that sex is needed, and she said that she prays that this temptation gets removed and prays for forgiveness for having these feelings to begin with. That she wasn’t going to sin and die and go to hell. And I said that I respected what she said – and mentioned that I wasn’t trying to have sex with her, but she brought it up. Did we wind up having sex? No – but she wanted to. She’d asked me what I would do if we had sex and she got pregnant and I told her truthfully that I would not shirk my responsibility in this, but I couldn’t keep from telling her that, um, people do have sex and having babies isn’t why they do. She had said that eveb if we were in a relationship, the only time we’d have sex is for the sole purpose of her getting pregnant. But she also admitted that her religious beliefs were the reason why she was unmarried.

I felt badly for her. Just as I felt badly for the men I encountered who didn’t masturbate because they were told – and believed – that it’s a sin. Learning that it isn’t and that’s not why the man who “spilt his seed upon the ground” got brutally killed for committing the sin of disobedience… because he didn’t want to get his dead brother’s wife pregnant and like he was supposed to and because God said he was supposed to – or so the people in his tribe said. Every time I’ve been sitting with a guy who wants to have sex like this and being in abject fear, it has always bothered me because their fear isn’t just about someone finding out that they did this: They fear the punishment that religion promises. Not being right with God. The internal conflict taking place when that “something” is screaming at them to do this because they know they want to.

Then they do… and wonder why they were afraid to. Why did they not do this before now? Not as bad as they thought and/or believed and/or told it was. Sometimes feeling so guilty that they got physically ill and, well, I know why and it has nothing to do with religion but, again, this has been hammered into us over all this time and, well, we’re supposed to feel guilty when we do something we’re not supposed to do. The shame of it. The greater shame of having sex just for the hell of it. The believe that religion’s way is the only way and, well, it isn’t – and we – humans – keep right on proving that it isn’t and, well, we all can’t be wrong – but religion says we are. It can’t be normal and natural and wrong at the same time. How can it be normal and natural only under the edicts of religion? Yeah, I got grounded for two weeks after asking my pastor this question and he mentioned it to my parents.

But I had learned a truth: The reason why something that everyone says is so bad but feels so good is… because it’s supposed to feel good. Kid logic said, “Well, hmm, if it feels that good – and it sure does – how bad can it really be?” Well, that’s because God said it is. Or man said that God said it is. Hmm. Yet another question that got me in trouble was, “Why would God say this if we were given free will? Did God really say this?”

It was a while before I could sit down comfortably. But for me, it was worth it because I was learning… some truths about some stuff I wasn’t supposed to know about. Learning that I wasn’t the only one with such questions nor was I only one who found out that having sex with a guy… felt pretty damned good. Continuing to grow up and hearing so many people – and mainly homosexuals – saying, “If God didn’t mean for me to be this way, I wouldn’t be this way.” But religion says that God said not to. I would learn that our innate human need for sex was being suppressed by religion. So many contradictions with what I was seeing and experiencing, and those contradictions continue to hold sway over all of us.

But religion’s grip on us is slipping. Many people believe in God… but they don’t believe in religion all that much. So many men and women invoking YOLO – You Only Live Once – so, yeah, why the hell not? That this is a bucket list item for some folks doesn’t surprise me all that much. Again, and like that one guy said, “I’m gonna die one of these days so I might as well do this.” And once he did, he was no longer afraid… well, he was still afraid of what people were going to say about him because of what we’d done but he also said that he’d worry about that if he had to… and did we have time to do it again?

Yes. Yes, we did. He’d asked me why I didn’t seem to be bothered by it and I said that a long time ago, I decided to not be bothered or ashamed of doing something that I wanted to do and that I enjoyed doing. For me, that sums it up; for others, it’s not easy for them to get to a place like this because it is forbidden to have sex that isn’t male/female and forbidden for that sex to take place outside of holy wedlock. The truth that it being forbidden… doesn’t “mean” a whole lot and that it is forbidden… makes it more enjoyable.

Thing that made Younger Me go, “Hmm…” Things that opened my eyes and mind to a truth about humans that religion didn’t wants us knowing about and promising grisly death and eternal damnation if we did find out. And the many people over the time of our very existence who has, for whatever reasons they did, invoked their version of, “YOLO.” If they’re going to burn in hell, it’s going to be for a good reason.

Just saying. Never any insult to anyone who continues to believe. When I die, the only thing I’m going to regret is…having to die. And that’s about the size of it. Saint or sinner, no one escapes this. And knowing this can make someone somewhere in the world say, “Why not? Who knows? It just might be fun!”

 

Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: 04 January 23, 16:01 hours

I’m trying out a new title format since, sometimes, I start writing something at one point in time, but I don’t finish it until another point in time but the timestamps on the post don’t reflect this so let’s see how this works and for those who might not be familiar with the 24-hour clock, 16:01 is 4:01 pm. Let’s begin.

I just told another blogger that religion has a powerful hold on us. One of the things that immediately put me at odd with religion and as taught and preached in the Baptist church, was that I was a sinner. Born into sin and “guilty” of it but I understood that I didn’t have a say about my parents getting jiggy and now I’m running around all over the place. Sitting in church on Sundays and listening to the preacher man losing his mind, yelling, shouting, jumping up and down and moving like his underwear were on fire and going on and on about the wages of sin didn’t make me comfortable because outside of having been born into sin, I was most definitely a sinner because I was having sex with my male friends and other guys.

It had the effect of making question what I was hearing in Sunday School, church service, and what my elders had to say and, often, getting into trouble for asking these kinds of questions and having the audacity to question God’s Will. Or His mysterious ways. Getting grounded for almost a month because I asked this one: “If Jesus died on the cross for our sins and they were forgiven, why does our preacher keep talking about it?”

You might imagine the response I got, and it wasn’t a gentle one. I remember our pastor “having a fit” preaching about the sin of homosexuality as well as the sins of the flesh and both that I was very guilty of… but I knew how babies were made and after being fed that crap about storks delivering babies. It made me ask my pastor, “If God created Adam and then created Eve – and they had Cain and Able – where did all the other people come from?”

I got my ass beaten for that one and grounded for a month. What I had to do during my… time off was reconcile my sexual behavior with what I was being taught and told and… it wasn’t adding up. How could having sex be bad and good at the same time? I knew that boys having sex with each other was bad but this, too, was pretty awesome and when I dared to ask a question about this – and risk being punished again – I got a very gruff response of, “Because God said so! Go to your room!”

I… was living with the fear that God would throw a thunderbolt from heaven and smite me because I was having sex – the sins of the flesh and as kinda/sorta explained to me – and some of that flesh was male in form and function. Except, um, I’m lying beneath a guy, he’s working his dick in and out of me pretty good and… no thunderbolts. Well, not on my end but on the end of the guy fucking me and when he came and shivering and shaking like, well, like he’d been hit with a thunderbolt and being electrocuted and a feeling I knew all too well and, yes, I’m still embarrassed over thinking that I was dying the first time I busted a nut in a girl and more sins of the flesh because there was no way we were bound by holy matrimony.

The fear of God. I asked about this one after church: “If God is a loving God, why are we to fear Him?” I got… a non-answer and chastised for it, which I shrugged off because I was old enough to but it just confirmed what I had been thinking all along: Something’s not right here. Growing into adulthood, I was seeing people in church every Sunday and I knew most of them were sinning their asses off but here they were begging for God’s forgiveness for their sins – but not all that willing to give voice to which sins they were begging forgiveness for – and leaving church and the sinning would begin anew.

Which continued to confirm that something wasn’t quite right. Too many contractions and I had been getting the answers to the questions I had asked in my youth and, yeah, something is definitely rotten in the state of Denmark. It was, “Do as I say, not as I do…” and it was “bad enough” that my parents said to me and my siblings a lot but I was hearing church pastors saying the same thing which, of course, had me wondering how an ordained minister could sin and still be an ordained minister and, well, something is seriously wrong.

I had had my miniature crisis of faith and had come to the conclusion that I was going to die one day anyway… so what difference did it really make? The concepts of heaven and hell were… self-fulfilling prophesy kinds of things since no minister could tell me that the existence of these places had been confirmed. And being “placated” and told that I had to take it on faith that they existed and… I couldn’t do that. It wasn’t that I didn’t believe in God – I didn’t and couldn’t believe what I was hearing in church. I seriously remember someone giving me a raft of shit for sleeping with men and being told that I was going to die and go straight to hell and I replied, “Probably… but I’ll have plenty of company since I know you’ll be there, too.”

Yeah, that didn’t go over well. But I was – and had been – seeing the powerful hold religion had on us and in the form of some of the guys I grew up around who wanted to do it with me or some other guy… but was afraid that God was going to kill them if they did. I told one guy, “But I’m not dead…” and I saw the confusion sink into his mind and… we wound up doing it, he had a great time and… he lived through it. We all did. I had to reconcile some stuff around boys being boys. It was, apparently, well-known what was included in this but, at the same time, it was a sin for a man to lie with another man but we weren’t “men” in the adult sense but definitely male and… one of these things weren’t right. If we weren’t supposed to have sex with each other, how was it that we could and did?

I asked about that one, too, and was told that males who did this were being disobedient and didn’t heed the Word of God and if they didn’t stop this, God would punish them… and I had better not be doing stuff like that. Yeah, like was going to confess that I was and I did think that the minister I had this conversation with could easily assume that I wouldn’t have asked the question if I wasn’t (a) curious about it or (b) sinning my ass off with other guys. Oh, well. What you suspect is one thing, what you can prove is something else… and I plead the fifth.

I would see so many men going through that crisis of faith and how it bothered them. They understood the reality of things: Men can and do have sex with each other – but then… faith. The religious dogma that declared this to be a sin and one punishable by death. I would understand that a lot of people commit the sin of fornication and even before they get married and… they’re still alive and kicking but, as they preach in church, you know not the hour or the day when your life is going to end and, well, they had that part right… but I knew that they didn’t have it all right since I was, technically, committing two sins at once every time I had sex with a guy and we were definitely not married.

The kicker came when, in the early days of the WWW and the emergence of online forums, I was in a group for married bisexual men and… one of our members was a Catholic priest who “confessed” his bisexuality to us but, oddly, did not have an even greater crisis of faith and as many of the members were going through. All he said about this was, “God understands that we’re not perfect and I never claimed to be.” Hmm. If this hadn’t already been put into perspective for me, this pretty much sealed it… but it wasn’t like I didn’t know of the ministers of the Baptist faith who were lying with other men and, yeah, tried to get into my underwear, too. Considering the blasphemy of hearing them – or hearing of them – saying that God said it would be okay and, well, how can that be right if, on every Sunday, they’re having a fit in the pulpit about the evils of sin and this particular one at that?

I would feel bad for the homosexuals in our congregation and them having to sit and listen to the pastor pretty much reading them the riot act and going off on them about the very horrible sin homosexuals were guilty of. I just do not know how they did it or how they weren’t bothered by the sermons… because they bothered me because… something wasn’t right, and I knew it thanks to all the studying and investigating I had to do in trying to better understand why I was bisexual and what it all meant.

Homosexuals were saying, “If God didn’t mean for me to be this way, I wouldn’t be this way.” Or that they’d made their peace with God – not Jesus, mind you – and… it’s all good in that regard. But I was learning some interesting stuff about… human nature. The way we used to be before religion showed up and started slamming doors and, indeed, taking control of us and telling us how we had to live… or else and in the form of the Wrath of God. One preacher I heard said that Jesus died for our sins so that they could be forgiven… but there was no escaping the Wrath of God. Okay, hold up a moment. Is it just me or did this contradict some stuff?

I found it hard to really have a crisis of faith when I didn’t believe in what was being preached. Too many contradictions, too many self-fulfilling prophesies and too many times hearing, “Because God said so!” and then being able to read so many different versions of the bible that weren’t… consistent. The whole concept of religion seeming to be more interpretative than anything else because I knew of ministers and other religious scholars who couldn’t agree on what the bible said and meant. I remember asking my pastor about God talking to priests (or whatever they called themselves back then) when he was preaching that God didn’t talk to everyone so how come there were men who wrote the chapters and verses of the bible?

And got my ass grounded and seriously chastised for it. And more proof that religion was the biggest scam ever. How the elders around me would hang onto every word preached by the famous – and then infamous, Reverend Ike. Other TV preachers who say one thing but were doing something else – and while lining their pockets with the money of the faithful and even if those people couldn’t afford to tithe… and how was it that God knew to decree that you must give ten percent of all that you had to Him? I asked what God did with the money we were giving Him and… got grounded again.

I had a hard time having a crisis of faith when that faith was questionable. Not a disbelief in God but great disbelief in what we are told in pulpits of some kind all around the world. How the religions of the world were saying the same thing – just in different ways. Punishing sins with death and as laid out in biblical law and as written in the Christian Old Testament. Because God said that if you sin, you die. Horribly. The same religion that had people believing that masturbation is a sin and, nope, that wasn’t the sin that was committed by the guy who is infamous for committing it. His sin was disobedience and even that was questionable because… why would God be so concerned about this poor slob getting his dead brother’s wife pregnant and as he was told to do – and then getting killed for screwing her and pulling out and, yeah, spilling his seed upon the ground?

Something wasn’t right. Too many contradictions and self-fulfilling stuff that had to be taken on faith. Can’t prove it but can’t disprove it. I knew I was a sinner because I loved having sex with guys. Sucking them until they came; the thrill of feeling them cumming in my ass – and enjoying these same sins myself and not just with men and reveling in committing the sin of fornication with any female who’d let me fornicate the daylights out of them.

The very inescapable sense of knowing that a lot of the sins of the flesh stuff was about… making babies. And then being told and commanded on the one and only way to do that. Why was I a sinner for having sex with a guy? Because there was no way in hell we were going to get each other pregnant, and I never met a guy who masturbated who didn’t like doing it. Just saying. Being aware of the Catholic Church’s stance on contraception that, basically, says that you could be excommunicated for using any form of contraception and that included oral sex and excommunication was the next worse thing than dying.

And the many men and quite a few women who I saw going through such crises because they very much believed in something that… wasn’t quite right. The thing about rules is that they get created to… control stuff. What you can do and what you’d better not do and facing some kind of punishment for breaking those rules… and getting an understanding that human nature doesn’t much give a fuck about those rules and the proof is that we have sex and in whatever way we can manage to do it. Things that made me go, “Hmm… something’s not quite right here…” I would see guys – mostly – beating the shit out of themselves because their faith and belief said one thing… but the reality of human nature was telling them something else.

There had to be a reason why I had personally heard a lot of guys say, after we had sex, that it all felt right and normal. Why? Because it is. And the many men who would pretty much come to the same conclusion I had: It’s okay to believe in God or one’s higher power of choice… but what’s being preached is… suspect. Not the whole truth but a truth that we are supposed to take on faith. Do as your told… or else look forward to spending your life after death in hell or purgatory which, I learned, aren’t the same things or places.

Seriously sighing. Religion… preys upon our fear of our own mortality. The promise of going to heaven if you live your life the way religion tells you to and the guarantee of going to hell if you don’t and, yeah, being sent there by unnatural causes like being stoned to death. Thou shalt not kill… unless you do it in the name of God… and because He said so. I have seen so many go through this crisis and I am sympathetic, and I do not knock anyone’s beliefs. But. It’s not what religion says but what it doesn’t say and that is on purpose. As boys, we are told to never think about (a) having sex and (b) having it with boys which, for a lot of us, shit – you should have just told us to go ahead and do it and… a lot of us did. Puberty is a motherfucker and there’s not a one of us who doesn’t remember what that was like, right? The science of that extreme rush of sex-related hormones that conflicts with religion telling us to resist the sins of the flesh. The sin of lust. And greed if you’re bisexual or you’re just “a slut for sex” and don’t much care about being ashamed about it.

I’ve felt that the crisis of faith gets… mitigated if one believes more in human nature than what religion has mandated. The many times I’ve heard and seen a guy get bitch-slapped by guilt because he had sex with a guy – or with me – and he knew he shouldn’t have but, yep, he sure did and then learning the science behind that seriously guilty feeling… that has nothing to do with the guilt we’re supposed to feel because we had carnal knowledge with someone who was of the same sex (never gender) as we are. The sin of homosexuality is a sin because… no babies. It defies human nature in that nature designed us to be sexually attracted to each other. Literally. No exceptions. It better explains why I could look at a guy and… I want to have sex with him and no matter what he looked like and, sometimes, even if there was something I didn’t like about him… but the feeling? Yeah, it was there, and I’d have the boner to prove it most of the time.

And more “empirical proof” that religion isn’t telling the whole truth of things where the sins of the flesh – and the sins of fornication and lust – are concerned and, oh, yeah, the sins get set aside… when you’re married and even then, contraception of any kind is frown upon because God did tell Adam and Eve, “Go ye forth and multiply.” Even said something about Eve bleeding every month and bearing children in great pain and agony. If you read this part of things, the bible does tell us about having sex and making babies… and it’s not that much of a stretch to see how this edict makes the sin of homosexuality… sensible. Maybe it’s just me… but I know I’m not the only one who has had reason to see things in this light and, as such, has had their crisis of faith… mitigated. Put to bed. Because what religion teaches doesn’t quite match the reality of the human condition.

I believe in God. I don’t believe in religion and haven’t for a very long time. It… doesn’t makes sense for God to have given us free will and then… take it away from us or shame us for implementing the free will He gave us. The contradiction of being born into sin and, um, you’re literally seconds old and not because you’ve really committed a sin… but you’re very likely to at some point unless you do things the way religion tells you to do them. I… am a sinner. I have had very carnal knowledge of other men and I have fornicated lustily with women. And… I’m okay with it. All of it. Crisis averted and disposed of. Social conditioning in these regards broken and with great glee.

Understanding that “not supposed to” in these things doesn’t mean that you can’t, you know, if you want to. And understanding that the edict against anything homosexual exists… because it was already a sexual behavior we were deep into. You put rules and punishments in place not only to prevent future things… but to also put the kibosh on what one might do and because it is known that one might do it. If they want and need to; if they feel the attraction to or, in many situations, they feel that they have no other choice but to do what they’re not supposed to do and the many people who have found that when you’re horny and you need to get laid, no amount of praying is going to make it go away and, um, if he or she doesn’t mind, okay. Our sins are forgiven already. I know that sounds fucked up but those are the facts of the matter.

That crisis of faith is a motherfucker and then some. I’ve seen it cripple people emotionally because they are unable to reconcile and/or resolve their beliefs with the reality of this sex thing. As far as I know and have learned, the bible does not condemn sex between women, but I would think one could imply that if it’s condemned between men, that includes women… and I do not remember seeing this in the many times I’ve actually sat down and read the bible cover to cover – but sex outside of marriage – fornication – is forbidden. And Younger Me wondered why. Crisis averted. Belief suspended and understanding that I might not be bisexual if I hadn’t been able to reconcile my sexual behaviors. It feels good to have sex with a guy because sex feels good, well, until it doesn’t feel all that good but, still.

And the sure and certain fact that no matter how we’ve lived our lives, we are going to die. Sinner and saint alike. Indisputable. I have heard men set this crisis aside by saying, “I’m gonna die anyway so I might as well do it…” and then they do, and they learn the same thing I did decades ago: Getting some dick feels great. I’ve heard some guys say that because they did this, every time something in their life goes wrong, that’s God punishing them for their sins of the flesh, lust, fornication, coveting thy neighbor’s wife and giving her the high hard one, and homosexuality in part or in the fullness thereof.

Some food for thought and a reminder that I am the bisexual sinner who dares to speak on this and in this way. Part of that question asked so very long ago: How can something everyone says is so bad feel so good? And still finding out how and why it feels so damned good… because it’s supposed to. Religion says a very different thing and now… it all comes down to that which you believe: Religion or the reality of life itself.

I know I sound like a heathen and that I’m totally amoral. When you seek the truth and find it, well, damn. Pretty upsetting, actually and more so when you happen to find out that what you believe… isn’t the whole truth. I sought the truth because what I was told to believe… didn’t make sense. It still doesn’t but I also had to learn to respect the beliefs of others… and I do. A believer in God… not so much of one where religion is concerned. I’m a child of science, which I’ve gotten grief from via a few ministers of faith, by the way, but the science of sex is… undeniable. Empirically proven. The same hormonal response I have toward women that I have toward men. Hell, yeah. I am a sinner. I lust. I have fornicated and done some coveting and… I have sex with men. Making their dicks hard and making them soft again and, oh, yeah, them doing the same thing to and for me. And committing the sin of greed because I can, have, and will turn right around and have sex with a woman. Or another guy. My… ticket to hell has been bought and paid for.

C’est la vie.

 

Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: Hypocrisy or Fact of Life?

Up early because I gotta see the dentist but as I skimmed through the Reader to see what’s new so far today, I got a glimpse of a blog I’d read already – https://bisexualsalvo.wordpress.com/2015/06/15/hello-world/ – and I thought about the author’s “plight” (go read for his full story, please).

It’s not unusual for a bisexual to have a religious crisis of faith, that moment where their beliefs slam head-first into what they’ve discovered about themselves and, of course, it’s something that religion takes a very dim view of.  This particular author isn’t the only guy I’ve run into who’s been in this particular sticky situation and while I’d never take them to task for being bisexual (when they “shouldn’t” be), I find the whole thing fascinating and it’s equally interesting to see how these men deal with it.  Now, I don’t recall hearing or reading whether or  not you’ve sinned if you have the feelings and thoughts but never act on them… but pretty much everyone knows what the Old Testament said about doing something about it and other religions have their own version of what’ll happen if you commit this sin/crime against God.

You’d think that those men “on the inside” and guiding their respective flocks would be able to resist the call of man-flesh… but we also know that, nah, they’re not consistently and always able to do this and they do know what’s said about the flesh being weak and that giving into the weakness of flesh shouldn’t be done.  But, without sounding irreverent or disrespectful, the ministers of faith responsible for making sure everyone stayed the course in this probably never had any dealings with cock… or even sex, for that matter so maybe they really didn’t understand the powerful call of sex – or they did understand it and that’s why they put so much emphasis on staying away from such sinful things.

I personally know some ministers of faith who are good friends with cock… and it’s not their own.  When I first became aware of them, it used to gall the living daylights out of me to have heard (or to know for an undisputable fact) they’d been getting their groove on during the week and then see them in the pulpit (or know they were in their respective pulpits) and preaching about the wages of sin, in essence invoking something that has made generations of children crazy:  Do as I say, not as I do.  There are out-in-the-open gay ordained ministers despite the resistance to allowing them to be ordained and while I’ve never attended a service held by one of these very brave people, I wonder how the deal with the edicts against men lying down with other men?  And, are they hypocrites for being the thing that’s being preached against?

It doesn’t take much to figure out that one’s sexuality has no bearing on someone’s ability to be one of God’s Messengers or to engage in His works in some way.  Sure, being able to lead by example is a good thing because you should never ask someone to do something that you’re unable or unwilling to do but, nah, sometimes, it just doesn’t happen that way… but the ordained one continues to instill faith in the Lord into those who fill the pews when Sunday rolls around.  Are they doing their job?  Yep, they sure are!  Are they precisely following the rules as they execute their  duties?  Um, not always… but how many of us have never taken any shortcuts or bent some rules in order to get the job done?

At some point – and if you can – you begin to see that the one thing doesn’t have anything to do with the other even though we continue to insist that those in this particular position of authority should never behave like, well, like other human beings.  We continue to hold them to a very high set of standards and will crucify them whenever they stray from the course and, really, act as if they’re incapable of succumbing to the pleasures of the flesh… but we know that, in certain denominations, ministers can marry, have children, even divorce and this is fine with the denominations’ doctrine so we see some interesting inconsistencies going on and you can see the hypocrisy taking place:  It’s okay for Reverend Jones to be married and have a boatload of children but if his, um, proclivities leaned more toward the middle of the road – or even the far end of Kinsey Road – well, that’s a problem… but is it really?

And should their “crimes” have any impact on our faith?  I mean, our faith should be in God and not the person doing the preaching; even though he might not be practicing what he’s preaching, he’s still preaching the “preferred” way, isn’t he?  Those biblical teachings haven’t changed one bit, right, so the words they contain are still valid and doable.  So if our hypothetical Reverend Jones is single but has a taste for women and men, should his ability to teach the truly faithful be  questioned… and more so since there’s a good chance that someone sitting in congregation is the same kind of guy Reverend Jones is:  A bisexual.

Have we not learned something important about the debacle that’s still rocking the Catholic Church?  None of these men are totally and completely infallible and, um, they’re not supposed to be because they’re just as human as the rest of us.  Sure, if they do something criminal, like not making sure the male they’re having fun with is of legal age where they live, they should be prosecuted to the fullest extent allowable by law… but for religious entities to act as if these things haven’t been happening “behind our backs” for who knows how long, well, it’s my opinion that this is the biggest offense and more so when it’s proven that they knew… and did nothing other than sweep it under the carpet.  Then there’s this:  We kill each other in the name of God and no one gripes about that a whole lot (and killing is so against the Ten Commandments)… so why would it be so unusual if Reverend Jones believes that God is okay with him partaking of some nice, hard cock and equally believe that if God didn’t want him to have this desire, he wouldn’t have it?

Is this hypocrisy… or just a fact of life and one that continues to reveal the nature of what we really are?  The author of the blog I mentioned above is between that rock and the accompanying hard place and, of course, it’s his call when it comes to handling his situation… but I wouldn’t call him on the carpet if he chose to act on his feelings and simply because I’d be a hypocrite to bust his ass for doing something that I’d do without giving it a whole lot of thought.  Yes, one should stay true to that which they believe but we should never assume that we can’t or aren’t supposed to change our beliefs or even question them.

It’s a very touchy subject and one that probably shouldn’t be mentioned but, ah, y’all know me by now, right?  I’d never say that anyone should just abandon their faith or beliefs; what you do about this is your business to take care of.  I’m just the guy who’ll mention that bisexuals do have this issue going on with them and, yep, some more than others and because this does happen, we should talk about it, not so much to find a “solution” to a “problem” but to understand that some people have this problem and it needs to be understood and examined…

 

Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: And They Wonder Why We’re Invisible?

I’m once again gonna talk about a couple of things that (a) I don’t particularly like talking about and (b) being PC says you aren’t supposed to talk about – the current dust up taking place in the state of Indiana and the law enacted there that will allow businesses to refuse service to people based on religious beliefs.  I read the articles about it and as I frowned and shook my head, I thought, “And they wanna know why bisexuals want to fly under the radar?”

For the records, I don’t bust asses because of religious beliefs… but this thing, at least to this writer, is legalized discrimination and opens the door for all kinds of discrimination based on religious beliefs – any religious beliefs – and, again in my own opinion, opens the door for businesses in Indiana to wrongfully refuse service to people; all they have to do is think or believe that the person or persons they’re dealing with aren’t straight (or otherwise religiously undesirable) and, nope, “We don’t serve your kind here.”

Am I the only one who thinks there’s something wrong with this?  Okay, it’s obvious that some folks are religiously against anyone who isn’t straight – I get that and while I respect their beliefs, it’s just a bad way to behave.  Some of the things I read say that some Christians (in particular) should be outraged at this law because one of the things we learn – or, at least, I learned – is that to be Christian means to be tolerant and to not display or otherwise buy into any behavior that’ll get you a smack on the wrist from God; what do you think, “Love thy neighbor” means?  The thing here is that despite being urged to embrace this, a lot of religions still preach against homosexuality (as well as all those other sins we just love to do anyway) so as far as some folks are concerned – and this includes the legislative branch of the government in Indiana and the governor that signed it into law (after modification) – God is telling them that it’s okay to discriminate against those damned homosexual sinners.  The problem gets deeper because there’s what the Good Book says and means… and then there’s the way people interpret those words and their meaning and I seriously doubt that these two things are or have ever been the same.

It means that the owner of “Bill’s Flowers” somewhere in Indiana could see two women come in, get it in his head that they’re lesbians looking for flowers for their wedding, and deny them service because their alleged sexuality offends their religious beliefs… and I’m straight-up asking if this is in any way right or, is this any way to run an airline (old joke – you had to have been there)?  One of the reasons why this country came into existence was that those early Pilgrims who came here were escaping from religious persecution and, ultimately, made it a part of our Constitution that we can be free to practice our religion and worship without that persecution… but now, and at least in the state of Indiana (and until its Supreme Court comes back and says the law is unconstitutional), they’re doing exactly what the Pilgrims were escaping from:  Using religion to persecute others or, really, more of that “If you’re not like us, you’re against us” mentality that, as an individual, just makes me sick to my stomach; you’d think that given our history, we would have had enough of discrimination but, ah, apparently not.

So if those folks advocating that all bisexuals should come out in the open and stop hiding, um, in the face of what’s happening in Indiana, do you really wanna know why bisexuals aren’t rushing to do this en masse?  For those bisexual haters who riff about that so-called “straight privilege” we have (and that we shouldn’t have it and then because they don’t have it), um, it seems this would work more for us than anyone who appears to be gay or transgender huh?  I feel sorry for all the gays and transgender in the state of Indiana because if y’all think you had it hard before, your government just made it harder for you to be the people you want to be… and I’m damned glad I don’t live there.

The county executive here in New Castle, Delaware, has prohibited county workers to travel to Indiana on county business; the governor of our state – and we’re one of only 18 states that have laws in place against this kind of discrimination – has spoken out against Indiana’s governor about this and other states are giving homey the business for putting such a law in place.  Of course, LGBT and other human rights advocates are speaking out against this as well and I’m guessing that the heat is really gonna get turned up on Indiana’s governor in the media and it wouldn’t surprise me if the federal government were to add some heat of its own.  The US Supreme Court just might have its docket jammed packed about this action and, again, I’m just waiting to read about Indiana’s Supreme Court’s thoughts about the constitutionality of this new law – it should be interesting, huh?  Indeed, it’ll be interesting to see how many businesses that have dealings with Indiana are going to give them grief behind this.

Every state has the right to enact laws that are in the best interest of the people who live there so it’s not as if Indiana didn’t have the right to enact such a law – it’s just a question of whether or not this is really (a) the right thing to do and (b) if it’s really in the best interest of the citizens who live there… but if they’re allow to use their religious beliefs to discriminate, um, how is that in the best interest of the people?  The only people who are best served by this seems to be anyone who has a religious reason for not liking homosexuals and, yeah, anyone they believe not to be straight.

If the bisexual haters are wondering why we’re invisible, this action by the state of Indiana should suffice to give you part of the answer.  Is Indiana morally and legally in the right with this?  Only time will tell but I personally think it sucks – and that’s not the bisexual talking; it’s the human being talking who thinks that discrimination makes us all less civilized than we think we are…

 

Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: “It’s Against My Religion…”

It’s said that we’re not supposed to talk about death, taxes, politics, sex, or religion… so I’m gonna talk about two of these “forbidden” topics and just because I can.  After reading a couple of blogs about religion, politics, and same-sex sex, man, this can be a very serious thing for budding bisexuals as they work to figure this thing out about themselves.  I know that once I became aware of the implications of doing the nasty with another guy (and I’m not gonna talk about all of the sex I had out-of-wedlock), I was pretty sure I was going to burn in the hottest places that Hell could afford.  I remember reading the Old Testament and seeing that if a man lay down with another man, they both could be stoned to death – and that method of execution still exists today in some places.

It’s a sin even though the “death penalty” got repealed in Leviticus; a lot of people firmly believe that same-sex sex is a crime against nature because such couplings are damned unlikely to produce children so married sex is the way to keep yourself from burning for all of eternity.  Still, as I got older and more “wiser,” I began to see some things about this, like, the powers that were putting the brakes on human sexuality and narrowly defining what was “legal” sex and what sex was deemed to be immoral and sinful.  And then there was the obvious:  Despite the laws and religious portents of eternal doom, it wasn’t stopping anyone from having sex in the manner prohibited.

I saw first-hand some of the religious hypocrisy behind same-sex stuff – and we’re still hearing about the cluster fuck going on in the Catholic Church, right?  I’ve been in, ah, sexual congress with some guys who were what I’d call close to being fanatically religious and the hypocrisy of it all was rather stark and telling to have a guy tell me in one breath that having carnal knowledge of another man is a sin against God and Nature… while he’s busting a nut in my mouth or ass or, of course, while I’m busting a nut in his available orifices.  I’ve been with such men in these situations and have, in fact, seen some of them break down, start crying, and a couple of times, get on their knees and pray to God for forgiveness of their sin; there was this one guy who actually prayed for forgiveness right before he gave me a pretty amazing blow job.  And, yes, I had a man of God lay the pipe to me… and I’ll blaspheme a little and tell you that it was damned good, too… but even he said after the fact that he was gonna pray to God for some forgiveness and he did, too… and still got busy with me the next day.

I’ve been in discussions with guys who’ve said that despite their feelings of bisexuality, it’s against their religion to do anything about it and I’ve agreed that it’s pretty much against everyone’s religion to do the nasty in the same-sex mode… which still doesn’t stop anyone from doing it like that.  In this, you get to see that amazing ability humans have to justify anything they do, even if it’s only to themselves.  I’ve listened to guys who are into sex with other guys say that because they’ve accepted Jesus Christ as their personal Savior and because He died on the cross for our sins, all of this is like a “get out of jail free” card and one that allows them to do that which is prohibited and without putting their soul at risk come judgement day.  There was a time, back when I was much younger, when I thought this hypocrisy was funny because there were people willing to risk the wrath of God in order to get their cookies crumbled and I mean “funny” in both senses of the word – humorously and ironically.  It’s one thing to hear a guy calling on God and Jesus to save him because the sex he’s having with another man is feeling so good but, yeah, how can you not laugh when you’re sucking a guy’s dick, he’s about to cum, and you hear him begging the Lord to forgive him… but he’s gotta cum?

All too often, we hear a lot of folks say that this must be okay because if it wasn’t, God wouldn’t have given us the ability to indulge like this – and I used to say it a lot, too.  I’ve heard some folks say that since God gave us free will, He’s pretty much just giving us all enough rope to hang ourselves with but if you were to set all of this aside for a moment and look at it for what it is, what you see are humans doing whatever’s necessary to have sex… and no matter what the restrictions, taboos, or prohibitions are and, yes, even at the risk of their eternal soul.

I don’t know too many bisexuals who haven’t questioned their feelings/behavior when it comes to their religious leanings; it’s something that causes great confusion because it’s a great contradiction and one that makes people say, again, that if God didn’t mean for “me” to be bisexual (or even gay), then it wouldn’t be possible for anyone to be anything other than straight.  I’ve heard people ask, literally and rhetorically, “How can something that feels so good and right be so terribly wrong?”

How indeed?  When I’ve talked to guys about being bi and doing the deed, holding onto their religious belief is important to them but what they’re thinking, feeling, or even doing just conflicts with that which they believe and what they’ve been taught about this in whatever church they go to.  They won’t give up their belief in God… but they find that they have reason to question religion’s position on such things.  I know that when I hear all of the religious arguments against boys doing it to boys, I can easily acknowledge that they’re right – the bible says that this is wrong… but that doesn’t mean that it doesn’t happen, that it can’t happen, and that it’s been happening for longer than we can probably remember as a species – it’s certainly been going on since before religion came to be.

For religion to say that this is against the natural order of things is, in itself, a contradiction or, if you will, a method of control because as we all know, sex is a part of the natural order – we’re literally born to do it.  The sex drive is a part of what we are and, in the eyes of some, religion seeks to negate the power of that drive to have sex by restricting who we can have sex and when we can have it and even why we can have it.  That at the time our existence as a species was a problem – there weren’t that many humans running around the joint – makes this… restriction a necessity because our survival and existence as a species is pretty damned important.  But, as I’ve pointed out on occasion, those folks way back then could not foresee a time when making babies wouldn’t necessarily call for a man and a woman getting all hot and sweaty together so, yeah, if two men got caught or were accused of having sexual congress with each other – which just can’t ever make a baby (that we know of) – death was the only suitable punishment for not doing things the way they needed to be done to keep humans at the top of the heap, so to speak.

We’ve even gone as far as to separate God and religion; our respective belief in God is one thing and important to us… but religion as a social construct, well, that’s something else because while religion does give us something to believe in (and some believe to take our minds off of the fact that we’re all gonna die), there’s just something fishy about religion and more so when we know that quite a few very religious people have been known to, ah, partake of the forbidden fruit.   Some see this as “Do as I say, not as I do!” and, yep, we know that while this does make sense, it’s hypocrisy at it’s finest because just how in the name of the God you believe in can you tell “Peter” and “Jeff” not to have sex with each other… when there’s plenty of evidence that you’re doing the one thing you’ve told us not to do – and then condemn Pete and Jeff to hell for it?

Huh?  How does that make any sense?  A lot of bisexuals – and myself included – have come to the conclusion that our sexuality is what it is and that if we are to stand in judgement when our lives are over, well, we’ll just have to be judged and whatever happens after that… happens.  It might sound messed up but I believe in God and Jesus is my personal Savior… I just don’t have a lot of truck with religious teachings in the face of the teachers not exactly doing things the way they’re supposed to do them but having the nerve to tell us that we’re not supposed to do them… or else.  I  once said, “If I’m gonna burn in hell for this, I’m not going to be by myself and I know a few preachers who are gonna fry right alongside me…”

Yep, I kinda got in trouble for saying that… but it’s the truth as I understand it both then and now.  History is rife with examples of our ancestors praying and believing in many gods but, sure, two guys having sex was socially acceptable as long as one of them wasn’t “legally” a grown man… and even that stipulation was ignored, too, because as they say, once you taste the forbidden fruit, it’s kinda hard not to want to take more bites of it.

None of what I’ve written here is meant to be disrespectful of anyone’s religious beliefs.   All I’m doing is writing down what I’ve come to understand about this and what others have related to me when it comes to being bisexual and our religious beliefs and how they glaringly clash against what’s actually being done.  As I said in the beginning of this, I don’t know any bisexual who hasn’t thought about this or any who haven’t struggled to reconcile their feelings and behaviors against that which they believe when it comes to religion.  I’ve seen one’s beliefs in this stop them from doing what their “heart” is telling them to do and that’s fine… but I’ve also seen it not stop two men from having sex with each other even at the pain of death and eternal damnation.

Then again, I know and understand that the need to have sex is totally capable of overriding a lot of things and that humans will do whatever has to be done to have sex – and that includes gladly and willingly lying down with someone who is the same sex as they are.  It is what it has always been and always will be until humans are extinct…

 

Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: Being Bi and a Christian

One day, right in the middle of me sucking a guy’s cock, a thought stabbed into my brain:  “What would God think of what I’m doing right now?”

It was sobering and to the point where I actually stopped sucking that rather nice dick for a moment to ponder why this popped into my head and what the answer to the question was.  I got him off and then laid back so he could work some magic on me… but I was distracted; despite the good feelings he was giving me, my mind was still trying to answer the question and I had a feeling that when I died, I was going straight to hell for this sin.

It wasn’t until I was a lot older that I realized that my answer, “If I’m not supposed to do this and God doesn’t like it, why did He make it possible for me to be this way?” is an answer that a lot of bisexuals I know gives when religion and their sexuality comes up.  Those of us who grew up going to Sunday school and church services learned that the wages of sin is death and, oops, having sex with men is definitely on that list of things you’d better not do.

I started seeing the hypocrisy that goes on about this, how the Bible says a lot of things about sex not being between a man and a woman, and how preachers stand up there in their pulpits and rant and rave against homosexuality… and I know a lot of homosexuals who go to church, just like I knew a couple of preachers who didn’t have much to say about having their knob slobbed by another man other than, you know, calling on God and Jesus for help when the sex is getting pretty damned good.

It created a crisis of faith within me; was my soul now at risk and I’m going to be damned for all eternity?  I resolved – and probably like other bisexuals – that, okay, I might go to hell after I stand in judgement but it’s not because I don’t believe in God – I just have a big problem with what’s being preached and the hypocrisy that goes on because how the hell are you gonna tell me that I’m going to hell for having sexual congress with a man… and I know you’re not only doing that but doing shit that, at the time, I wouldn’t have done?

Huh?

A few years later, I ran into a priest who admitted to me that, yeah, he likes dick even though he knows the Word of God better than most people.  He told me that every time he laid down with a man, he knew he was violating a lot of oaths and promises… but even he said that even though we’re all born into sin and God gave us the free will that allows us to sin,  we’re all forgiven as long as we believe and, of course, accept Christ as our personal Savior.  I was like, wow, ain’t that about a bitch?  I thought that if a man of God, a Shepherd of the Flock can say something like this and has that special love for his fellow men, hmm, maybe this whole thing isn’t really as bad as they say it is.  This priest told me, and in some very explicit detail, how and why he loved sex with men and how, early on, he had this conflict between his priestly duties and his undeniable need for cock but was learning how to not let it mess with him; he said that he could still follow his calling and spread the word to the masses… but he’d skip over any topic that had to do with homosexuality because, as even he said, if God didn’t want us to be this way, we wouldn’t be this way.

We had five people in our church who wasn’t exactly straight  two men, three women (not counting myself or my bisexual wife at the time) and, damn, to hear what the membership would say behind their backs was, honestly, about as un-Christian as anything could be.  It was bigotry on a level that I’d not experienced before and, yeah, the hypocrisy was flowing like a river because I knew for a fact that some of the people who were condemning these five people straight to hell knew from personal experience why they should go to hell.  It made me think, “What… you’re saying that they should go to hell for their sexual sins… but you’re not going because you had some of that yourself?  What the fuck?”

There was a period of time where a lot of the dicks I was sucking or otherwise dealing with were attached to avid churchgoers.  I’d ask them how they dealt with this stuff that, clearly, goes against what we believe in… and they had no concrete answers other than to say that they’ve made their peace with God about it and they’ve left it all in His hands – and the sex would either jump off or keep going or this discussion would happen after a lot of seed has been spilt.  Indeed, it created a curious thing in my mind to know that the guy sucking my dick (or fucking my ass) was more into going to church than I ever was; a lot of weird shit would go through my mind when I was blowing them or watching my boner sliding into their butt because, okay, this is morally wrong… yet his faith – and my own – was very much intact.  So we’re good… and not really?  And, sure, as you can imagine, when you’re in the middle of getting your rocks off, you’re not going to spend a whole lot of time pondering this until well after the fact – and if you even bother to ponder it at all.

So what’s the deal here?  Is God truly okay with this and it’s just his ministers of faith that are taking issue here?  Most ministers I knew were really Old Testament about things and I’d often mess with them by pointing out that a lot of the admonishments were more Jewish/Hebrew than anything else – ah, man, you should have been there to see the looks I’d get!  I’d ask them which is more important:  Adhering by what the Bible has to say or having faith in God, which may or may not be the same things (depending on what and how you believe)?  I learned that some ministers, um, didn’t want to discuss such things and probably because they really didn’t have the answer and if I called them out for having a pastoral rant about sexual sins, all they could do was point to whatever chapters/verses in the Old Testament and say that it’s a sin and the wages of sin is death – the usual dire warnings about not living your life the way God says you have to live it.

Ellen posted a link  to a blog about sexuality and being a Christian written by someone else – https://bellaelena.wordpress.com/2015/02/03/youre-so-far-into-the-closet-youve-met-mr-tumnus-christianity-and-not-being-straight – and I liked what the author had to say for the most part.  Religion is rife with homophobic bigotry and I’ve always thought that a lot of this has to do with the clear fact that being homosexual in any way doesn’t lend itself to the perpetuation of our species; if you weren’t doing the nasty in the prescribed  way to make babies, well, at least in the Old Testament, that’ll get you put to death.  And, yes, it stands to reason that having your life or your immortal soul threatened in such a way can be enough to make you fuck the way you’re supposed to… as opposed to the other ways you can get your rocks crushed.  I felt that these admonishments were designed to stop people from following their sexual urges… and urges that didn’t necessarily have to do with dick meeting pussy.

You’re not supposed to do it like that… and there are people whose job it is to constantly remind us of this… but some of them are doing exactly what we’re taught not to do.  I asked myself one day, “Is it just me or is there something  inherently wrong with this?”  And then I decided that I wasn’t going to be concerned about it anymore because I have no questions about my faith or my belief in God… and it served no purpose for me to immerse myself in the ongoing hypocrisy taking place in church because “do as I say, not as I do” doesn’t exactly cut the mustard when it comes to this particular thing.  And life is what it is; we know that despite any religious leanings, we have to live our lives in the best way we can for as long as we can; as a bisexual, that includes getting all the pussy and dick I can get because these things are part of what makes my life worth living – and with the thought that if there is some kind of reckoning when I die and some kind of life after death, well, I’ll just have to deal with it when it happens.

Yeah, that might sound fucked up… but unless you’re an atheist, sure, you’re gonna wonder if, say, giving a blowjob and loving it is going to  get you into serious trouble in the afterlife and I think we all have to find some way to “justify” our behavior in this when we’re taught that, let’s say, “Connie” being happy having sex with men and women is a very bad thing to do.  I think that if we continue to believe and, at the least, keep our faith intact we’re good and more so if we don’t buy into the hypocrisy that runs rampant in religious circles.  They really and seriously want us to believe and behave the way they want us to but the truth is that, nah, some of us ain’t buying into this method of controlling our lives and our sexual desires.  Will we burn in hell?  Maybe… but a lot of us also know and understand that if we do burn, it’ll be for good reason.

Time to do something else…

 

A Crisis of Faith

I’ve often mentioned to you how my mind tends to association dissimilar things, making connections with stuff that in the beginning seem totally unrelated to each other… and it did it again, making me think, “I’d better write this down before I fuck around and forget it…”  Yesterday – and I’ll beg your forgiveness about this – my ass was sore ’cause my hemorrhoids were acting up – I spend too much time sitting down.  Anyway, a little while ago, I was thinking that my butt was feeling much better and thought, “God, my ass was really hurting yesterday!  Felt like I spent all day getting fucked in the ass!” – which I hadn’t, of course but bear with me for a moment longer; this will all make sense shortly.

I’m into the morning routine, looking at the WordPress reader for interesting things, and saw where someone wrote about sex in the bible and my mind just took off, going from having a sore butt, associating the feeling with being fucked too much, to the Bible, to “Hey!  Do you remember that guy…?” and, yeah, I do remember this one guy I got with and how it got me thinking about the title of this blog.

We met while I was job hunting and feeling pretty discouraged because here I was, fresh out of college with my associate’s degree in computer science, and instead of doors opening, doors were slamming in my face and with the words, “You’re overqualified!” ringing in my ears.  I remember standing outside of the place that had just dissed me and taking a moment to figure out where I wanted to go next when this guy asked me what time it was and if I knew exactly where this place of business was.  Come to find out he was going into the same place I just came from and I told him, with bitterness dripping from my voice, that those assholes weren’t hiring so he shouldn’t waste his time.

He thanked me and I decided that I was going to the department store lunch counter and drown my sorrows in some coffee and a chicken salad sandwich on toast.  I was halfway through my coffee when I heard this familiar voice asking if the seat next to me was taken and, yup, it was the guy I just saw a few minutes ago.  I said no, he sat down, and we spent some time comparing job search notes.  I finished my sandwich, drained the last dregs from my third cup of coffee, and went to take my leave of the guy, my thoughts now on going home so I could seriously plan my next move to get a decent job in the field I was trained and educated in – but he stopped me dead in my tracks by asking me if I’d be interested in having sex with him.

I didn’t start out being interested but since I was in such a shitty mood behind looking for work – and those of you who have been through this know what the deal is – I said, what the fuck, why not?  If I can’t get a job, at least I can get some dick.  I accepted his proposal and we’re off to his place, which wasn’t far from where we were.  We go inside, immediately get undressed, and he goes down on me and while it was nice, it could have been better if he wasn’t stopping every so often and muttering, “God, forgive me…” or “Lord, I just can’t help it – this is so good…” and other such things.  It was annoying but not all that unusual – you just kinda get used to dudes calling on God and Jesus while caught in the stifling heat of this lusty moment.  I didn’t even think it was weird that when he made me cum, he didn’t  get me to cum in his mouth but took my stuff and wiped it all over his face.  Yeah, after a while, you see guys doing shit that ain’t surprising anymore…

Even as I sucked his cock, he almost succeeded in making me laugh in the middle of a blow job because he’s thrusting into my mouth and still calling on God and Jesus to forgive him and all that and I almost lost it when he started praying as his shot his stuff into my mouth.  We lay on the bed to recover and get ready to fuck each other, getting our respective holes leaned out and all of that, and his outbursts were on my mind but if he wasn’t going to say anything about them, neither was I.  We jump back into bed, he gets me nice and hard again – and without calling on divine intervention – and I lube up and slide into him, noting how easy it was and settled in to fuck him… and he started calling out again and it was so distracting; it took a real effort on my part to block out what he was saying so I could get my shit off in his ass.  I creamed him, he prayed for forgiveness again, and we switched places and, honestly, his outbursts were doing a great job of taking me right out of the mood but, fair is fair.

He pushed himself into me and I wanted to settle in, you know, to get into being fucked… and the litany started – again.  I’m not sure how to put this into words:  He’s fucking me like he wants to do it but, at the same time, he doesn’t; I could feel his reluctance even as I could feel his lust driving his actions and now, because he’s got me thinking more than feeling, I really wanted him to cum and get this over with because I have some questions I’d like to ask him.  He cums – muttering to himself – and pulls out, making me glad that this was over with and wondering why and how something that should have been, um, sinfully delicious turned out to be one of those moments you might wind up regretting.  Those moments happen but I think this was the first time it happened like this.

“What’s going on with you?” I asked him as we shared the bathroom to clean up.  “Were you really praying?”

“I was praying for forgiveness, praying that the Lord would forgive me for my sins,” he said with his eyes cast upward; he then went on to tell me about his deep religious upbringing and how he knows that what we just did was a sin and he was praying that neither of us would wind up in hell for our transgressions… and I admit to not getting it immediately and that was because I had already had my crisis of faith many years before, had it, reconciled it, didn’t really give it much thought after making my peace with it… but apparently, this guy hadn’t.  That he was very religious – but doing something like this – didn’t really surprise me; it seemed to me that the more religious some people were, the more likely they’d commit a “sin” and then convince themselves that it was God’s Will or some other stuff that doesn’t quite stand up to logic or even common sense.  If one is that fearful of the Lord’s wrath, then it doesn’t make sense that one would do something that’ll pretty much guarantee some retribution on the Lord’s part… right?

I went home and after boning the old lady, sat and thought about the whole thing again.  If you go to Sunday school and church enough, you know what’s a sin and what isn’t and the preacher ain’t beyond flinging fire and brimstone at everyone to make sure they understand that if they sin – and sin way off the charts – you will burn in hell and in the hottest fires possible.  I know I’ve sat in church many times and listened to the preacher go on and on about the sin of fornication and men lying with other men – and assuming, somehow – that this applied to women as well even though most preachers never included women in this during their oratory – and have felt that not only was he talking directly to me, he knew what I did Friday night that involved all sorts of fornication – and had had fun doing it, too.

The question came back to me:  How do we justify our actions when we know that we’re in direct violation of the Old Testament laws? Is it because we know that those laws were set aside in the New Testament and even though it still didn’t make it right (in that sense)?  Were we using our personal relationship with God and Jesus – and the knowledge that He died for our sins – to justify seeking and obtaining those illicit pleasures of the flesh and knowing that if we pray for forgiveness, it will be granted?  These are some tough questions and even more so for me since I found myself to be more of a child of science and pretty sure in the knowledge that sex is just part of the nature of what we are, that we’re one of the few creatures God put on this earth that will have sex just because it feels good – and if we make some babies along the way, so much the better.

I’ve seen men of the cloth actually break down in the pulpit and confess their sins in front of the congregation and using the “excuse” that their flesh made their spirit weak, that they were unable to resist Satan’s temptations… and I remember hearing this and thinking, “What a crock of shit…” because they somehow think that the fact that they’re ordained ministers somehow makes them immune from being human.  And I guess maybe they really believe this even though they also have to know that there’s probably not a shred of truth in their assumption that their faith, such as it is, is always going to be proof against human nature.  I’m not saying that it isn’t for some – I’m just saying I know it isn’t a dyed-in-the-wool given for everyone – and history tends to prove this out.

I’m thinking about this in the here and now and while I don’t have reason to justify my sexuality, I do wonder just how many people do.  It’s considered to be in bad taste to ask someone about their relationship with the Lord and His Son, let alone question their thinking in this regard – but some people do talk about it and almost everyone I know that has put their justification for being bisexual in the form of a question:  “If God didn’t mean for us to be this way, we wouldn’t be this way, right?”

Of course, I tend to agree, although one can easily use the “free will” argument to explain our willingness to do something we know that God, via religious teachings, said we’re not supposed to be doing and, yep, since we’re being so willful in this, we’re gonna have some explaining to do at the Pearly Gates.  We’ve reconciled that if we’ve talked to God about this and He understands  – and He does since He knows everything that goes on with us – then it’s okay – we’re good with this if He is.  Yeah, sometimes, we get hit with some stuff in this and some of us are of a mind that this is God reminding us about a few things – but we talk to Him again about it and come away from the conversation with a better understanding, like, it’s not okay to sin but if you’re gonna sin, well, there are some ways to… minimize things in this.  He’s good with it now, and you are, too.

Being that child of science, I have learned that humans can justify anything they do; our brains are just that complex and our ability to apply and use logic, while often questionable, is unmatched in the animal kingdom.  Perhaps we don’t always apply common sense in the “right” ways… but while there’s an overall meaning to the phrase, “common sense,” we often tailor this internally so that common sense becomes a mixture of “the rule” and what we say it is – it just makes people so damned interesting, doesn’t it?  Our ability to justify our thoughts and/or actions in this winds up conflicting with the religious things we’ve been taught or those things we’ve heard about if religion and its tenets are not one’s cup of tea; it makes sense that if one doesn’t believe in God or religion, they’re not going to have any crises of faith – but perhaps if they’re ‘worried’ about anything in this, it’s how society on the whole is going to view them, oh, yeah, like they’re unrepentant sinners and soulless non-believers in the Word of God.

As I was remembering the encounter with this guy all those many years ago, I could feel my face smiling a little at the hypocrisy of what he was doing… and whether or not he was really being a hypocrite.  I am aware of the fact that you can be having some same-sex sex and, in the back of your mind, something can be whispering to you, “You know you shouldn’t be doing this, don’t you?”  If you do or have heard this, is this simply your conscience reminding you that you’re gleefully breaking society’s rules on the matter or it is – and as it was with this guy  – a reminder from one’s faith and belief that they’re sinning and putting their immortal soul in great jeopardy?  I guess the answer all depends on what and how you believe… or if you believe at all.  I’ve tended to believe that when I heard this warning – and while I’m happily sucking on some guy’s dick or even fucking some other guy’s wife – that it’s my conscience reminding me that, um, you know you’re breaking a few rules here, don’t you?  Yeah, I know I am… and I’m have fun doing it and while that admonishment can come on pretty strong, it’s something to think about once you get finished what you’re doing (and if it ever gets thought about at all) – but I’ve heard of and have seen this stop people right in the middle of and even before whatever they were doing to break the rules.

The concepts of right and wrong are all known to us and that includes the fact that not being straight is as wrong as it gets; yet, there are millions of bisexuals and homosexuals, aren’t there?  Are they – we – contributing to humankind’s moral decline when we don’t restrict our sexual pursuits to the opposite sex… or are we really just being human and just following our pre-programmed instincts to have sex and by any means necessary?  Was religion created to put the brakes on these instincts and to get us focused on making babies more than anything else?  Are such things really a crisis of faith… or is this just our consciences fucking with us for violating society’s rules – and rules that have a lot of religious underpinnings?  Again, it depends on what you believe or what you don’t believe, doesn’t it?

I’m done for now but I would like readers to understand that I’m not questioning anyone’s believe nor their faith… or even the lack of these things.  I’m just being myself and giving voice to something that many have thought about before me and are thinking about now as they go about the business of internally dealing with their bisexuality and because, yeah, I do have the nerve to talk about some things that we’re not supposed to be talking about.  That guy’s behavior really did a number on me – and ruined what should have been a good ass-fucking and the experience as a whole; if doing this is gonna create a crisis of faith within you, why do it and then put yourself through the mental and emotional hassles that are sure to follow?

Inquiring minds have always wanted to know…

 

Let Us Pray…

If you’re the type of person who likes to have a bit of fun at someone else’s expense, find someone you know who is into, ah, unorthodox sexual behaviors and ask them how their sexual habits, sexuality, etc., jives with their religious beliefs.

Yes, yes, I know – religion is one of those things we’re not supposed to talk about right along with sex, death, and taxes… but it is an interesting question and even a valid one because I think that at some point, we wind up looking at this side of our existence and knowing that some of it doesn’t quite go along with what we’re taught in Sunday school and church, we have that moment when we wonder if, come Judgment Day, we’re gonna have a lot of explaining to do at the Pearly Gates.

I got to thinking about this – again – because of a blog I read the other day – http://spiritualstudd.com/2013/11/30/matchmaking/ – and it caused me to have a Lewis Black moment to see an example of how religion tries to make everyone walk the straight and narrow – emphasis on the word ‘straight’ and then how they expected everyone to do as they say… or else; they know that many of us do, in fact, fear for our immortal soul and worry about whether or not our earthly deeds are going to get us first-class accommodations in the hottest, nastiest, section of hell.

The first time I actually had to think about this was when there was a guy going down on me and making it feel all wonderful and everything when he suddenly stopped, looked up at me with a worried look on his face, and said, “I know I’m going to hell for doing this but I can’t help it – I need to do this…” – and then went right back to blowing me until I creamed his tonsils; his words had stuck in my head and had taken some of the delightful edge off of my release so as I prepared to return the favor, I had to shove the thought to the side for consideration after the fact.

But, as I got him moaning and groaning and fucking my face, I wasn’t having the fun I expected to have because now I’m thinking about having already paid for my ticket to hell by doing exactly what I was doing, something prohibited in religion and, fuck, that meant I was double-damned… didn’t it?

I had a crisis of faith and it was pretty bad until I took the time to sort it all out, weighing human behavior against religious mandates; it was a moment that actually made me seriously think about these things… and then decide that if there really was a hell – and I’m going merely because of my enjoyment in having sex and even sex with men – then I was going to get my money’s worth.  I realized that despite what the preacher would be whooping and hollering about on Sunday mornings as he danced and pranced and stomped around in the pulpit, my relationship with God and Jesus Christ were mine alone and no one had the right to tell me anything different other than to repeatedly put out there that there are some things that religion frowns upon.

Like fornication, for example.  I first heard the word in church and, being the horribly curious kid that I was, I went to the library the next day and looked it up – and popped a boner to see that, basically, fornication is unmarried sex, something that I had recently discovered and was into up to my cute brown eyes.  I came to understand that it’s about control – religion wants everyone to do everything their way, like this is the best way for everyone to live but really being a controlling factor against human behaviors, like that urge we have to have sex and even who we can have sex with and when we’re supposed to do it, right along with how it’s supposed to be done.

That’s all about the perpetuation of the species thing which is important so we are made to understand – in some rather backhanded ways – that anything that doesn’t promote this important survival behavior is frowned up and, yes, if you make it a habit to keep doing the nasty in any way that’s not gonna make babies, well, I hope you have your fireproof skivvies on when it’s your time to leave.

It’s not that difficult to understand and, yeah, it does makes sense… up to a point.  Sex is fun and the deeper one can dive into this particular pool, the more fun it can be.  And, you betcha, being the rather inventive creatures we are, we have come up with so many ways to scratch that itch and, more often than not, without any thoughts about doing these things to make babies; indeed, many of us go about this sinful behavior in ways to make sure no babies are gonna show up unexpectedly, right?  It’s why the Catholic Church has been so dead-set against contraception and abortion because, duh, ya can’t make babies like that.

So when we get to our gay brothers and sisters, well, they’re ‘damned’ nine ways to Sunday for throwing down with someone who’s the same sex as they are and, nope, ain’t gonna make babies like that, are they?  That having sex with someone who’s the same sex as you are can be loads of fun and keeps them emotionally healthy doesn’t mean a whole lot to folks of the cloth – well, some of them because here of late, there are some really gay folks hanging out in pulpits all over the world, preaching the gospel and, hmm, is it hypocrisy for them to preach against sex and sexual behaviors when they’re not following the rules themselves?

Are they going to hell right along with the rest of us sexual sinners?  Kinda makes you wonder, doesn’t it?

I was on one of the swinger sites we belong to, just checking out the forums and seeing what, if anything, the membership had written that I’d find interesting – and this topic came up.  I was slightly amazed – but not terribly surprised – to read that a lot of people were poster children for debauchery even as they fiercely held onto their religious beliefs, reminding one and all that their relationship with God had nothing to do with how they liked to get their rocks off – and it wasn’t anyone’s business to begin with.  Of course, it was clear that while I believed a lot of those forum writers did believe in God, their steadfastness to religious mandates weren’t exactly rock-solid and according to Hoyle, oh, like that “Thou shalt not commit adultery” thing and coveting thy neighbor’s wife.

That one incident early in my life taught me that as humans, we can easily justify anything that we do even though not everyone’s gonna agree with it.  I think I’ve heard all of the ‘usual’ justifications – and have come up with them myself – where sex, sexuality, and religion is concerned.  Sure, I’ve had a lot of sex and in ways that would make the religiously devout go into a coma and my justification for my behavior is rather simple:

I’m human – having sex is what we do and, uh-huh, we can be so creative in our pursuit of busting that nut.  Religion doesn’t exactly agree with human nature and does what it can to prevent us from fully realizing our sexual potential because, again, some of isn’t going to result in making babies and I think that all of us, at some point, ultimately realizes this – and keep right on doing whatever it is we’re doing and in whatever way we’re doing it because we know and have proven to ourselves that sex isn’t just for making babies.

We’ve learned that we can be spiritual, that we can believe in a supreme being, and even believe in the promise of heaven even as we screw the neighbor’s wife, eat pussy, suck cock, fuck each other in the ass, and so many other things that are designed to get and provide orgasmic bliss.

And if we’re going to hell for any of this, oh, well – that’s between me and God and none of your fucking business, right?

Of course, I don’t recommend picking on someone about this if they’re rather sensitive about the subject but if this question has ever popped into your head, it’s always interesting to find out how others feel about it.  I leave you for now with some related articles you may find interesting…

Related articles

• Sex is Bad? (lucianuechter.wordpress.com)
• Atheists Do It Better: Why Leaving Religion Leads to Better Sex (gretachristina.typepad.com)
• New Study Shows that Women Have More Regrets After Casual Sex than Men Do (blackchristiannews.com)
• The only shameful thing about sex is justifying outdated views with ‘science’ | Jill Filipovic (theguardian.com)
• The Rise of Religion Might Be All About Sex (alternet.org)