Damn it, I had some really good thoughts for today… and then I woke up and forgot them. Since awakening, I’ve been trying to recapture them and with little success so, today, I’ll be winging it.
Sex, sex, sex. I’ve always been fascinated with how guys become bisexual and the drive to have the sex can consume them and that’s about the time when some guys realized that even if they’ve been watching gay porn, they don’t really understand the sex, from how to do stuff to how it works.
Bisexuality… disconnects one from conventional and traditional thinking and finding that our sexual – and maybe even romantic – interests have gone from women to include men, it can be one hell of an adjustment to make and more so if you have just the slightest inkling of how men have sex with each other. We know it as gay sex because, duh, that’s what gay men do and a lot of us get stuck on this and it’s not always easy to let this go and see that it’s sex.
I honestly don’t remember exactly how old I was when I figured this out, but I think it was during a very steamy threesome with a guy and his girl and they were taking turns sucking my dick and it dawned on me that they were both doing the same thing. That all-day session saw everyone getting head and everyone being fucked and I limped home – literally because they handed my head and the rest of my body to me – with my mind working on the sameness I’d noticed. As I’m remembering this, I’m sure that if pegging was a thing back then, the woman would have nailed both of us and we would have loved it.
I’ve learned, from a lot of guys, is that even as an intellectual exercise, having sex with a guy is some seriously powerful shit to have on one’s mind. Like I always say, thinking about it is one thing; I’ll add that you can think about other guys doing whatever and there’s still a disconnect that doesn’t get noticed until you’re “standing in line and waiting your turn” that it starts to get real. This, too, can cause an even bigger disconnect and as I’ve seen in the many times I’ve had a guy ask me how does one suck a dick or how to you fuck a guy in the ass and, yeah, does it really hurt like a bitch to be fucked.
My bias would kick in and I’d ask myself, “How do they not know this?” then remember that, duh, I’ve been doing this since I was a young whippersnapper, and this guy is just now looking into this. I would think that, um, if you’ve ever had sex with a woman, uh, that’s a pretty good example but, again, bisexuality disconnects you from conventional thinking… and other logical processes and I would, indeed, learn that a lot of first time guys knew exactly what it was like to be sucked by a woman but because they’re looking to get blown by a man, well, that’s different.
Isn’t it? I know guys who had had anal sex with women but couldn’t seem to figure out how that worked with a guy and while my bias was totally incredulous (and told to shut the fuck up and stay out of this), the fact that some of them didn’t make that connection got my attention… and I saw that more often than not, facing the reality of having sex with men can seriously unplug a guy because, again, it’s all fun and games until you’re about to have sex with a dude and even if you knew about this, you’re now in unknown territory.
A guy wanted us to blow each other and one of his concerns was not knowing how to do it; I remembered something I had read somewhere and said, “Suck on your thumb for a moment and do it like you’re trying to get something off of it.” He looked at me like I was crazy, but I’d asked him to humor me; he sat and sucked his thumb for a few moments, and I saw the moment when it connected in his head and said, “That’s how you do it.” I almost screwed this part up because I was going to tell him what a lot of guys get told: Do it like you like having it done to you, but I realized at the “last moment” that he’d told me that he’d never had his dick sucked before.
I’ve learned that even when a guy can get his head around “the basics,” there’s a great concern about not being good enough or not doing it right and I learned to tell guys to not worry about it; this is your first time and there’s no way in hell I’d be dumb enough to expect you to do it good and right the first time. Some guys are fucking amazing right out of the gate but that’s not really the point but that disconnect that seems to happen is.
A gay dude once told me, “Some of you bi dudes are as dumb as rocks!” and I knew what he meant because we were taking about our experiences with first timers and he allowed that he didn’t know how a guy couldn’t just figure it out and do it… but I was learning why because I wanted to know as well. Fantasy and reality are polar opposites and when you tack on the social stuff, yeah, it’s no wonder a lot of guys looking to have the sex that’s overpopulating their thoughts can get disconnected and, if for no other reason, because they think and believe that sex with a man is not only different but very different.
I bring in a conversation I had with Cityman about this early on in his evolution and the problems he was having because he was just as disconnected as most guys I’ve seen and I told him, “Stop thinking about who – think about what.” In essence, I was asking him to stop thinking about the guy being a guy and I might have even mentioned that if he’s eaten pussy, he already knows how to suck a dick because sucking on a girl’s clit isn’t all that different – dicks are bigger and will deposit cum in your mouth at some point.
I go on the forum and I see lots of disconnected guys who see being with a guy as being totally different from being with a woman… but they’re thinking who and… disconnected. Yes, you do have to learn about the anatomical differences and if a guy is looking to get boned, well, that’s something else to be learned. I do remember the first time I told a guy, “If you can do it to a woman, you can do it to a guy except guys don’t have vaginas; now it’s just a matter of what he’s going to allow you to do.”
He was so disconnected that he insisted that I wasn’t right – which made me give him one of my infamous looks that said, um, which one of us has done this an untold number of times? I’d not say that this guy wasn’t intelligent, but I had to explain it to him and once I did, I saw it in his eyes when he got connected and he said, “Oh. Yeah. You’re right!”
As mentioned, an untold number of times, the sex is easy once that connection is reestablished; getting to this point, eh, not so much because the social implications have been firmly fixed in our minds and the thing that gives a lot of bi guys problems is getting past those implication. Oh, my – I can remember the first time a guy asked me that if we do this, will it make him gay. I almost laughed at him but caught myself because, well, he didn’t know but the social shit tends to make certain connections because, after all, this is how gay men have sex. I answered his question by saying, “I’m not gay… and I’ve been doing this for a while.”
Then waited to see if he’d make the connection and it took him a good minute or two and then all he said was, “Oh.”
I would learn that a guy’s fears tend to create a bottleneck that often makes connecting things difficult. I’ve explained the sex to a guy, and he’s done the “Yeah, but…” thing so many times that I’ve found myself getting frustrated but understanding that once they got disconnected, it’s really not that easy to get reconnected and one’s fears are a damned good cock-blocker. Oh, it gets better!
For a lot of guys with a very bad case of “dick on the brain,” a man’s body is unfamiliar territory… and I’ll give you a moment to think about that and I’ll note that the time is 3:22pm EST.
It is now 3:27pm EST – did you see the disconnect? Okay, it’s not that we don’t know that we’re, ah, equipped the same way (absent any birth defects or other shit). It’s not like we’ve never “felt ourselves up” for some reason or another and even in a non-sexual way. Yet, I’ve had guys ask me how to jerk off another guy and in this, I’ve asked, “Have you ever jerked off and if you have, well, that’s how you do it; you just have to figure out how to do it to him and make it feel good.”
Serious sigh. We initially see sex with men as being so different that a lot of guys get seriously disconnected and that’s on top of working to get their head around the fact that they’d like to have sex with a guy and/or are feeling rather romantic toward men. It’s like we know… but we don’t. What’s it like to have a guy suck your dick? Pretty much the same it can be when a woman does it, not counting technique and all that stuff. I’ve learned that when you get stuck on who, it can disconnect you from what. Of course, the man/woman differences are pretty damned obvious but it’s not always easy for some to see the commonalities.
And when a guy’s head is overloaded with visions of sex with men, I’m not sure if it really helps make that very necessary connection since – wait for it – thinking and doing aren’t the same things. We consistently believe that if we think about doing something, we’re going to do it… until we find out differently. It’s okay to have visions of hard dicks stampeding through your head and while this can help guys when it’s time to do something, eh, sometimes, that disconnect becomes, to me, rather obvious and can be a bitch trying to reconnect a guy so that he can do all of that stuff he’s been thinking about and jerking off to.
Like swallowing cum. I’m not joking when I say that guys have asked how to do this and as an example, I once gave a guy a glass of water and said, “Here, drink this.” Got that “this motherfucker is crazy” look from him but he drank the water and asked, “What does this have to do with anything?”
“You swallowed it, didn’t you?” I asked and waiting for his brain to make the connection… and it took him a few moments and, not unexpectedly, he said, “Yeah… but cum is different!”
Is it? Okay, it is but I knew his mind was totally on the fact that it was cum… but not the normal act of swallowing. Acquired taste? Yes, but it’s… not really about the taste as it is the mouth feel cum can have. From thick and cloying to thin and watery and all stops in between while tasting of whatever he’s been putting into his body from total blandness to, holy shit, dude – lay off the salt!
And having it in your mouth can cause… problems, not just because of the potential taste and mouth feel but you know what’s in your mouth… and your brain makes your body do some shit about that like, oh, don’t swallow it! A disconnect: A lot of guys don’t think about unloading their balls into a woman’s mouth and her swallowing it but talk to them about doing the sucking and swallowing and they can become so disconnected that it just goes right past them that… she swallowed it. Wasn’t so much about whether she liked it or not but, yeah, she did it and chances are somewhat good that you watched her do it.
More sighing. Of course, what really causes this disconnect is that having sex with guys is prohibited so giving any “clues” to how to go about it are totally absent and, yeah – some of us actually had to learn how to have sex with a girl because it’s not always as intuitive. So, it “makes sense” that we also have to learn how to have sex with a man but we get disconnected because we do see it as being very different… but we’re thinking who and not what.
You can kiss and cuddle with a guy; you can have fun with his nipples and, yup, you can perform oral sex on him and if it’s on the table, you can stick your dick in him and fuck him until you cum. You can then lie next to him and bask in the afterglow or whatever… and just as you can do with a woman except – and as I’ve been saying lately – she’s not likely to give you the high hard one but, hmm, wouldn’t that be interesting? We are… used to being in the male/dominant role of sex and, as such, being in the female/submissive role is different but if a guy watches gay porn, he can see that, yep and duh – one guy is being fucked and apparently enjoying the daylights out of it… but the disconnect comes into play because that’s a guy on the screen getting nailed… and it’s not you.
Us bi guys can have very serious cases of sex on the brain when it comes to doing it with other guys but until one gains actual experience, this odd disconnect is just… there. You know about this or that… but. This disconnect gets helped along due to the horror stories that we put more “trust” in than anything else and what usually gets a guy into trouble isn’t what he knows – it’s what he doesn’t know.
I find a certain joy in helping guys to not be disconnected but it’s not an easy thing to do. Theory is one thing and practical application something else. You just and very strangely can’t make the connection, well, I’ve seen a lot of guys unable to do it and I’ve had to put my bias in jail in order to walk them through it. Think what, not who because who is always going to be different… but what never changes. Again, it’s okay to let your mind roam and thinking about what you’d like to do and, more likely, what you’re not going to do because that’s what I’d call pretty normal… and so is this disconnect.
A guy said, “I don’t know how to make love to a man…” and I asked him, “Do you know how to make love to a woman?” – and got that look from him, which I ignored and waited for him to get connected and when he did, one more time, he said, “Yeah, but this is different!”
No, it isn’t. Other than people having preferences and all that, what can be done is… universal. Eating pussy and sucking dick are the same things: Oral sex. Anal sex is… anal sex. Lips can be kissed and all that, you know, if homey likes to kiss and guys do believe that kissing a guy is different from kissing a gal and it can be… but the act of kissing isn’t.
That threesome I mentioned way back in the beginning made me see the connection and I’ll admit that I probably ignored it or was just… intuitively aware of it. I don’t know but I did become aware of it watching the guy and the girl giving me head and my brain saying, “They’re doing the same thing to me!” I’m… sure the other connections were made and I do recall spending a lot of time – like a couple of years – putting all of the pieces together and because I was giving so many guys their first time, for me, it became important to be able to get them reconnected to having sex and trying to get it into their heads that there’s no real difference at work here other than what is deemed to be allowable and all that which, of course, varies from person to person and being male or female doesn’t much play into this… but we get disconnected because we think it’s different.
Like, I had a good laugh when Cityman told me about a night he had with a guy and how good it was to make love to him; I had noted that he’s gotten so much better at being able to describe how he’s feeling during sex – and reestablishing connections – as he talked about cumming in the guy’s ass. He withdraws to bask… and wound up with the guy’s dick in his ass and he wasn’t expecting it.
And I almost hurt myself laughing and asked, “What did you think was going to happen?” Well, he didn’t; he was disconnected from the fact that dude does have a dick and it wouldn’t take a whole lot for him to decide to use it. He went through his “usual” stuff about not expecting it and how girly he felt and all that but I asked him, “Did it feel good?” and he grudgingly admitted that it did… but. In this, that whole top/bottom shit creates an even bigger disconnect because we believe that once a guy adopts a role, he’s never going to deviate from it and a lot of guys wind up getting the same wake-up call that Cityman did.
If you can do it to them, they can do it to you, too, if they’re of a mind to. Can you have sex with a woman and get surprised when she pulls out the strap-on, gets it all ready and shit, and gives you the same bizness you just gave her? Yep. It’s a difference but we get disconnected from the fact that whatever we can do to a woman, she could, if she wanted to – and you’d let her – do the same things to you except that “dick” in your ass ain’t ever going to get soft.
Even in this, we get disconnected because for a woman to peg a guy, it’s not about being gay as as many guys think it is and, indeed, a lot of “wannabe bottoms” would prefer that a woman fucks them in the ass instead of a guy because if a woman’s doing it, it’s not gay… and they’re still thinking who and not what.
It’s still sex even if you want to gussie it up as prostate massage. The reality, however, is that your woman just fucked you; what’s the difference? A man will do it and cum in your ass and many guys find that the real thing is… quite and very real… and the same thing women have to say about toys versus the real thing.
Other than a gross lack of education, I think our minds are responsible for this disconnecting; the social shit very much lends itself to being disconnected and not being able to see that at the top of the pile, it’s sex. The who can change but the what – the actual acts of having sex – don’t change… and now it’s all about what one prefers to do and what they’d not want to do.
I think I’ve winged this rather nicely. Maybe. Bisexuality makes you look at having sex in a very different way but tends to disconnect big time due to the fact that we think that having sex with a guy is so very different… and even if we know something about it. The reconnection doesn’t really happen until it’s you and homeboy and something’s about to jump off and, sometimes, I think, a guy can get totally reconnected and not really be all that aware of it but it could be that they are because a lot of guys, after their first experience, talk about how normal it was. Yes, quite scary and all that because it is unknown territory… but it really isn’t, well, except that getting fucked in the ass part.
When it comes to the sex, there’s some… stuff that has to be learned and, just in my opinion alone, the first thing to be learned is that only the person you’re having sex with is different – but the acts aren’t. We can do some pretty wild shit to each other having sex… but we’re having sex. Various ways to do the same thing and whether it’s a guy or a gal that’s partnered with you.
And we don’t always make this connection right away. Bi guys can have a very bad case of “gay on the brain” and it’s not easy to disabuse a guy from thinking this way so that he can see that… it’s sex. We get seriously funny about the who and have preferences about the what but, again, anatomical differences aside?
What you can do with a woman, you can do with a man and whatever you can do to them, they can do it to you, too, you know, if ya don’t mind and all that. Me? Um, I guess I was “slow” about this but, in my own defense, I didn’t pay attention to this until that moment I finally did and once I did, all of the pieces fell into place and, I’ll say, “completed” the way I look at having sex. Not who so much but what and then learning to be… adaptable about what and depending on the who.
Cityman finally got reconnected and he even said that he now sees that the only difference between having sex with a woman and a man is… it’s a woman or a man. He said that he sees that he goes about having sex with either in the same way, well, on his part since people do have their preferences and all that but the important thing is that he now sees this as not being different because he’s thinking what first, then who and making whatever adjustments that are called for.
Do you see what I mean? Are you thinking, “Yeah, but…”? I wouldn’t be surprised about that because this tends to disconnect people even in terms of what they would and wouldn’t do with somebody – which is being more about who than what. It’s not even a thing of who not being important because it is… but maybe you can see what I’m talking about when you’re thinking about getting laid and thinking about who you want to lay you and being disconnected from the fact that anyone can lay you… if you didn’t mind all that much and, yes, a lot of people do mind…
And bisexuals not so much although even we tend to be stuck in the disconnect when we see getting all hot and sweaty with a guy being different than doing the same thing with a woman.