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Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: 28 September 22

I was sitting in a bar full of gay men one Saturday night and the guy sitting next to me was lamenting that finding and getting a man in bed was getting harder and harder. The guy sitting to my right said, “Honey, you ain’t wrong!”

And I said, “How is that possible when we’re sitting in a bar full of men?”

They both looked at me like I’d lost my mind.

It was one of those head-scratching moments that I’ve bore witness to before. Going back in the day, I was hanging with a guy that I knew was “like me” and he was moaning and groaning about needing some dick and ass and not being able to find anyone to do the deed with. He said that he’d settle for spending some time with a guy even if all they did was suck each other off.

“You haven’t asked me,” I said.

And he looked at me like I’d lost my mind. Or, perhaps, it never crossed his mind to ask me, and it wasn’t like he didn’t know that I was like him – loved chasing girls and catching them, had no qualms about getting all hot and sweaty with a guy.

“I didn’t think you’d be interested,” he said.

And now it was my turn to look at him like he’d lost his mind.

“All you had to do was ask,” I said. “I might say yes.”

He asked, I said yes, and we went somewhere and spent that time making each other beg Jesus to save us sucking each other off several times.

“If you know that I’m down with it, why wouldn’t you ask me?” I asked once I was able to speak English and not sound like a caveman.

“I dunno,” he said. “I didn’t think I was your type.”

Okay, I could understand and accept that even though – and at this moment in my life – having a type was something that still wasn’t making a lot of sense to me even though having a type, from where I was sitting, was eroding and reducing the chances to get some dick – and guys were doing it and complaining about not being able to get the dick they wanted.

Girls… made sense with this one. Sitting with this seriously hot babe and she says tha she seriously needs to get laid and right now and… I’m looking at her with that “Hey!” look on my face. She looks at me and says, “Aw, nah – you get me pregnant, we might have an ugly baby!”

Not that I was bad looking but it was like a sign of the times and one us guys just had to deal with. Still, she was, according to her, very horny and let me know that if our baby was ugly, there would be hell to pay. She didn’t get pregnant and… needs were taken care of and dealing with feeling some kind of way knowing that she thought I was better than nothing.

I would learn about… natural selection. Survival of the fittest. How men were, way, way, in our past, selected for the best survival qualities and/or their ability to provide safety and food. I would be able to equate this very necessary process with having sex in the here and now and I’d think that there were probably a lot of girls who weren’t aware of this ancient behavior going on with them but, yeah, them being picky about who got to have their goodies made sense.

It didn’t make sense with the fellas so much. I would see this… disconnect so much that it eventually got me telling guys, “Look, it’s not like we’re gonna be boyfriends and I sure as fuck wouldn’t marry you if my life depended on it. You wanna get your dick sucked and so do I… so what’s the problem?”

His problem with me was… I’m light-skinned. Nowhere near the “high yellow” that was seen to be a deal-breaker with both men and women at the time. I told him that it was his loss but also that if he wanted to keep complaining about how badly he needed some dick, I was leaving.

It sucks for someone to declare you as being better than nothing. Still, we do the deed and now he’s singing a different tune: “Damn, man, we shoulda been doing this all along!”

Well, we could have been if you weren’t being silly about things. My awareness of preferences was growing “exponentially;” everyone was chasing after the good thing and leaving a lot of dissed people in their wake – and people who were very keen to be accommodating. One of the major “selling points” of guys doing guys was that we didn’t put each other through the wringer like girls were doing. Comparatively speaking, throwing it down with a guy was easier than convincing some girl that she wouldn’t be making a mistake or trying to address any of the 15 quadrillion concerns she may have.

At the least, another guy would want to know (1) how big your dick was, (2) if you were cut or uncut, and (3) do you swallow and (4) do you like it in the ass or giving it in the ass (usually optional) and even then, most guys wanted to know this just for informational purposes because the only thing that really mattered was… wanting to do it. When and where could be a problem, though.

You haven’t lived until a guy tells you that he doesn’t want to have sex with you because you’re shorter than he is and then only by an inch or so. Gay guys were, for a time, like sharks in a feeding frenzy hitting on guys who, at the least, looked cute to them but even they got to a point where if a guy was GQ handsome, well, that was a problem for them.

“Some of them act like a dude is gonna knock them up,” I had said to a friend as we were both lamenting about how weird guys were getting about giving up the dick (and before we gave it up to each other). I was telling him about getting dissed by a gay dude – and a gay dude that I wasn’t even paying any attention to – who sashayed over to me, looked me up and down and told me that I wasn’t worth it even though I did have a nice print and… what the fuck was that about?

You haven’t lived until you have a gay dude tell you that you ain’t shit… because you have sex with women… but they’re on the prowl for guys they can have sex with and complaining and wondering where all the men are. Well, you just kicked me to the curb for some reason, but I guess you won’t be getting laid today and especially with an attitude like that.

Preferences. I get it. Instant gratification. I see the sense in it but if you’re not getting laid – at all or not s much as you think you should be – keeping your preferences on lockdown, I think, isn’t going to help a whole lot. I would hear a lot of men and women talking about not settling for less than what they want and… I understand that but I also understand that good sex is where you find it… and there’s no telling where you’ll find it. Back in the teenaged days, you could get dissed by a girl because you didn’t have good hair or you were either “Clark dark” or “darker than midnight” or, because you weren’t getting laid, your face looked like you washed it with a cheese grater because of the acne you had. You could get dissed if you couldn’t sing or you weren’t in a band, didn’t wear name-brand shoes and clothing, and all kinds of “nitpicky” stuff that, at first, didn’t make one damned bit of sense but, again, once I learned about natural selection, okay – I get it now.

You haven’t lived until a girl you know asks you if you can hook her up with a guy she can fuck. Seriously. And, if she gives you some, it’s because you’re better than nothing – and you’d better not make her regret it. Ditto for guys who were beginning to ask me if I knew a dude who’d be willing to suck their dick – and even if they knew I was down with that. Okay, there was that “friends don’t have sex with friends” thing that was spreading like a virus and how bad of a thing that was but I would think that if you couldn’t have sex with a friend, who could you have sex with? Given that a lot of people were very leery of people they didn’t know, wow, I wasn’t sure how this “mindset” really made sense.

Oh, I had a girl explain it to me and it was all about feelings more than anything else. Okay, I understood that and that getting into a relationship because you had sex could be a problem… but we’re talking about just having sex and if anything else comes down the road, we can talk about it and, together, decide if it would be to our benefit to take things to the next step, stay right where we are as a fuck buddy, or just leave it alone and go back to just being good friends.

What made this confusing to me was knowing there were a lot of guys who, when looking for some dick, were looking to their friends first. It wasn’t unusual for a guy to tell me how much he was lusting after one of his male friends or, when talking about how we got turned on to dick, they got turned on with a friend. True enough, some guys weren’t of a mind to violate the “friend rule” even if they were suffering from a major case of blue balls. One such guy was having a bad time with it – and complaining about not being able to find anyone who was willing to help him with this; I told him that I’d be more than happy to take care of that problem for him… and I got turned down because we were friends.

Okay, you can try to sit there and deal with the pain; it cannot be said that I didn’t offer some relief. I was learning that even though male bisexuality was becoming more prevalent, guys were being… weird about it. You haven’t lived until a guy turns you down because he wants to suck dick and you don’t have the foreskin that he prefers. Or your dick wasn’t long or fat enough and now, a lot of things that I’d only heard women and some gay men saying. What does me being “too skinny” have to do with me giving you a blowjob?

Apparently, everything. Guys wanting what they wanted and in the exact way they wanted it… and not getting to have sex with guys and as much – and as badly – they were saying they needed to. As I’m thinking about all of this, I’m remembering Cityman asking me how I managed to get all the dick I’d gotten and me telling him, “I didn’t say no.” Well, yeah, sometimes I did because my instincts told me to say no but if they were saying that the guy asking was okay, well, okay.

I was telling him that some of the best dick I’ve ever gotten was with guys that no one wanted anything to do with. I was telling him that it didn’t make any sense to me to kick a guy to the curb because of how he looks when, um, his looks aren’t going to be the thing that’s got my attention. So what if he’s overweight? So skinny that you might want to take him to McDonald’s first? Does it really matter that you might not be able to “see him in the dark?” So what if we’re not the same race or what-the-fuck-ever else is getting in the way of getting our dicks hard and making them soft again?

Dude, I’m not asking for your hand in marriage and I’m not of a mind to do the boyfriend thing, either. Your horny and so am I; you want your dick sucked and so do I and, unless there’s something about you that I don’t know about, we both have dicks so it’s not like we’re gonna knock each other up. So… wazzup?

Big-time sighing. I understand it. Not sure I really understand why there are so many guys “dying” to get the dick they want and need but not being willing to… adjust some stuff so that they can get it. I have an interesting time talking to my protege about the great diversity that exists in this and he… yeah-I-know’s me but he also talks about having new and different experiences with new and different men… and like so many guys I know of, not doing a damned thing about it and because it takes them out of their preferences.

Even bigger-time sighing.

 
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Posted by on 28 September 2022 in Today's Bisexual Thoughts

 

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Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: 27 September 22

I remember stumbling across my father’s stash of dirty books. The apartment we lived in at the time was really a one-bedroom place but the “dining room” area was big enough to serve as my parent’s “bedroom” as well. I was playing with a ball and it got away from me and rolled under their bed and I went after it and… found all of these books under there!

I pulled one out and I saw the title of it – and I don’t remember what that was now – and my curiosity said, “Read it!” and… it was about sex. A whole lot of it. I remember my dick being so hard that it hurt and, as a friend had showed me a couple of weeks before, if my dick was hard and hurting, here’s what you do to make it stop hurting. I found myself in the bathroom reading this book and jerking off so many times in quick succession that I gave myself a friction burn and went through a whole roll of toilet paper cleaning up the messes I’d made.

I found myself raiding his stash every chance I got. My “mistake” was not knowing that he knew how he had his stash arranged so every time I swiped a book and put it back, well, he knew someone was messing with them and I’d have to say that he knew it was me because I looked under there one day and… they were gone. Obviously, he had moved them but, eh, he wasn’t good at hiding them because I found them again.

And some of those books were all about guys having sex with guys. It was like I’d found the Holy Grail or something because this was something I also knew about and, whew, I would find myself rubbing a lot of them out, absorbing what I was reading and, like some of the other guys were also doing, sharing what I’d read and learned with the fellas and, sure – let’s try that! It got us into roleplaying and, um, usually someone being the father and someone being the son and who had to be “punished” for stuff like chewing and cracking gum too loud or not loud enough but any old excuse to mete out punishment worked to get us naked, hard, and very busy emptying our young balls at an “alarming” rate.

I would, one day, realize that sometimes those very dirty books were used to seduce other guys by giving it to the guy to be “seduced” and telling him, “Just read it!” and if the guy didn’t run like hell once he saw what the book in question was about, it would definitely give him a major boner that, um, well, I can take care of that for you if you want me to. And even if the guy was one of them who weren’t of a mind to join us in our nasty fun, with him getting more than an eyeful of written porn and having a painful erection and balls would get them to… submit to the now tried and true method of taking care of the problem.

For some, reading whatever gay dirty books we could manage to get our hands on was yet again seriously eye-opening since we recognized the sex being written but for others, yeah, freaked them out and had them heading for the hills. There were no dirty books specifically written for bisexuality but, many years later, I had found a website that had nothing but those old dirty books on them that could be read online or downloaded in EPUB format and, yeah, I recognized damned near all of them and even remembered the storylines of quite a few of them. There were some where a guy would be all nice and heterosexual and having sex with girls/women and find himself being introduced to dick and “usually” by being made to suck dick and being conscripted to the bottom role of anal sex.

Hmm. That explained some stuff as I would hop in the time machine and go back in time to look at specific situations where a guy who, normally, didn’t join in our fun would tell me that they wanted to try something they read in a dirty book and, um, would I stick it in there and do it to him? Sure! I would get around to asking them why they changed their mind and wanting to do this, and they would say that it was just something they thought would be a good idea to try and let’s say that many had that good idea confirmed and some found that reading about being fucked in the ass and really being fucked in the ass were definitely two very different things.

And, yeah, I’m still kicking my ass over not seeing how even this early form of porn had some influences on us where sex, having sex, and sexuality were concerned.

I know my young and very impressionable mind absorbed a lot of what I was able to read. My father got “better” at hiding the new books he was getting and Adult Me would remember the layout of that apartment and realize that there were only so many places he could hide them and there was nowhere in that apartment to hide stuff that I hadn’t discovered either on purpose or purely by accident. And if I wasn’t spending my time having sex with my male and female friends, I was spending a lot of time jerking off to the “improbable” but highly exciting written sex. The gay ones were… educational, not so much in the actual sex that would take place but the many ways an “innocent” guy could and would wind up learning the same things I’d been learning about sex with other guys – and a lot of those guys weren’t really as innocent as the books would have you believe – but that’s the fun thing about reading and how you can start to read a book and the characters can be clueless about something but you know what’s gonna happen before it actually does.

I would say that if nothing else, those books influence and “encouraged” us to have sex. The girls, well, they were getting to the point where they weren’t having any of it but that was okay because even if we were doing something that was regular boy/girl sex, being in the role of the girl in a story wasn’t that far of a stretch of our imaginations and, um, shit, how many times did I eagerly volunteer to be the girl? A whole lot of times. We learned by doing and, yeah, I’ll say that some of what we learned to do came courtesy of those dirty books and as far as situations were concerned. Those of us who were deep into it already knew how to suck a dick and swallow cum and we knew how to stick it in and fuck someone as well as the joy of having it stuck in and getting creamed.

Adult Me is thinking that if it was possible for boys to get pregnant, we would have been in the very deep doo-doo given how much sperm we happily pumped into each other. It’s all very indicative of how we learned about any of this: What one of us learned was shared with the others.

Oh, and before I forget, that site I mentioned earlier doesn’t exist anymore but, um, yeah, I downloaded a lot of them in EPUB format and they’re on my hard drive… somewhere. I think. I’d have to look for them.

I remember the first time I saw visual porn. This one guy got found his father’s 8mm “dirty flicks” and the projector used to watch them and got a bunch of us together so he could share his find with us. It took the lot of us a bit of time to figure out how to make it work but we figured it out and, oh, boy. It was straight porn but we were mesmerized by all the women with lot of hair down there as well as all the men with really big dicks (and a lot of hair as well). We had started out jerking off and almost immediately or, in film time, about two minutes into the film and… things went downhill pretty quickly.

There were guys present who hadn’t done it with a boy… but they were now very eager to and Adult Me understands why and how… simple the reason they gave into it: When your dick is serious hard enough for it and your balls to start hurting, you’d do anything to make it stop hurting. A lot of dicks got sucked and a lot of sperm got swallowed; dicks went into asses or between the cheeks to be fucked and creamed and while the film wasn’t that long, shit, we were so deep into what we were doing with each other that none of us noticed that the film had ended or when it did. And then we had the nerve to load up another one.

Adult Me now remembers three guys who became bisexual that day. I don’t think that they had this “in mind” and as a way to have sex but when you’re with a bunch of guys watching a dirty porno flick and they’re all sucking each other, you didn’t want to be the guy sitting on the side and watching what was happening… and with your dick hard and balls starting to hurt. I seem to recall that no one made them join in and I do remember one guy telling the other that everyone else was doing it so they might as well do it, too, and the third guy, I dunno, maybe he just said, “Fuck it!” to himself and just jumped into the action… and the three of them very much found it to their liking. They found out what the rest of us already knew: Sex with girls was amazing and good… but so was having sex with a boy.

And, man, I’m still pissed that this… connection went right over my head but, I guess that, in my own defense, I was too busy being bisexual to think about how porn had lent its influence sexually and, shit, in some situations that I can now remember, someone’s sexuality. Damn it, how many times did I go hookup with a guy at his house and he put on some gay porn, and he’d tell me that he got into this by watching what was playing out on the screen?

A lot of times, as it turns out and I can now really remember. What I would find amusing were those guys I’d hook up with and they put on the porn upon my arrival and now they’re asking me if I ever did whatever was on the screen or would I like to and me telling him that there was probably nothing in that porno that I hadn’t done already and more times that I cared to remember. Adult Me remembers the one guy who was very new to this and, thanks to some gay porn he’d gotten his hands on, wanted to 69 with me and had admitted that he had never 69’d with anyone. Ever.

He got quite the wakeup call, too, to discover that watching it on a screen isn’t the same as doing it; he didn’t realize that it takes having the ability to focus on what’s going on as to not be distracted by what’s going on and, oh, yeah – deep throating a guy’s dick isn’t as easy as it looks, either. Neither is swallowing cum. My… bias was, at this point in my life, in full effect and I very much remember us sitting and talking and me telling him that what we were watching was art overly exaggerating life and stuff gets scripted, scenes get shot and redone and edited and you just can’t believe everything you see when you’re watching porn and then trying to do it. The second go-round was better, but it did have me thinking that guys looking for their first dick experience probably shouldn’t watch porn to learn how to do it.

Porn had influenced both his way of having sex and sexuality… and I fucking missed the connection and with it being right “in my face…” but, again in my defense, I had no reason to be thinking about it in this context. Still, I saw this a lot. I’d learn many reasons a guy would switch from straight porn to gay porn and why they were watching it to begin with which is a whole different scribble, methinks. Were there guys who learned how to suck dick by watching porn? Probably… and I probably knew it and didn’t make the connection.

Okay. I’m not mad with myself any longer – it was what it was both then and now. Cityman sends me this stuff and it’s… boring. Seen it before. Done it more than I’ve seen in it in porn. It’s predictable and very top/bottom oriented and he likes older and beefy guys who are also men of color so that’s reflected in the porn he likes to watch… and send me links to. I’ll take a look because it tells me a lot about him and what he might be thinking about M2M sex. I can’t say that he used this porn to “educate” himself because he was well on his way toward OTJ training in these things and then watching gay porn featuring the kind of men he prefers to have sex with.

He finds it exciting; it bores the shit out of me. I’m too cynical about porn and it’s why all of this went over my head. Oh, well.

 
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Posted by on 27 September 2022 in Today's Bisexual Thoughts

 

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Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: 25 September 22

“No plan survives first contact with the enemy.”

It’s a military thing that, more often than not, proves itself to be true. Why? Simply, you can’t really plan for what an “opponent” is going to do while you’re making plans that hopes to get them to do what you want them to do.

I was thinking about a time when I was sitting with a guy who was looking for his first experience. We’re sitting in his bedroom, on the bed, naked from the waist up and he’s so nervous that if I had shouted, “Boo!” he might have had a heart attack or something. I had learned not to plan for anything in this situation because (1) a guy’s first experience isn’t about me or what I want to do and (2) because I used to do that, well, such plans didn’t survive that “first contact.”

He kept asking me what I wanted to do and I calmly kept telling him that it’s not about what I want to do; what I want to do is whatever he wanted to do even if what he wanted to do was nothing more than the two of us sitting there and talking. After a couple of minutes of silence – and he’s less nervous at this point – I’m sitting and watching him and saw the moment when he decided on what he wanted to do even though I had no idea what that would be.

I had also learned to be prepared for anything. He said that he wanted to start slowly with this and by jerking off in front of each other. I said that was fine with me; we finished getting undressed and stretched out on the bed and we’re stroking ourselves and… I “knew” what would be next; at some point, he was going to suggest that we jerk each other off and that was also fine with me. A minute or two later, he asked if I’d be okay with giving him a hand and I said that I was and reached over and, well, gave him a hand; I wasn’t surprised that not even thirty seconds later, he was fisting my boner and, in my mind, I thought, “Let’s see how long this lasts.”

I almost punched him when he suddenly jumped up and started going down on me. Okay. In my experiences, this was known to happen and it’s not so much of a plan or an expectation but an understanding how things can escalate and also understanding that, sometimes, they don’t. He’s learning how to suck dick and I’m feeling a little silly because his sudden movement had surprised me but, focus.

Back in the negotiation phase, he had said that he didn’t think that he’d be interested in sucking dick but he was very interested in being sucked off by a guy; I had said that it was fine by me but I’m also thinking about the many times I’ve heard a guy say this and that’s not how things took place. He’s figured it out and I’m genuinely into what he’s doing; he shifts his position to lie beside me, his boner actually poking me in the cheek, and I didn’t hesitate to take him in and “show him how it’s done.”

I… “hate” being sucked by someone who had never done it before because their inexperience, for some reason, tends to make cum in a hurry and I had no idea why (and I still don’t know so don’t ask) but things are getting hotter and heavier and I feel his prick get harder in my mouth and he cums and it must have been pretty powerful because he kinda started to bite down on me and the only thing I could do – and while focusing on not gagging or choking on all the cum being put into my mouth was to stroke his face and that had him ease up on me.

Jesus. Amazing how a first-timer can cum from being blown and there’s a lot of cum and as the torrent starts to ease and he begins to soften, I’m thinking that he’ll probably tell me that he’s never cum like that before – but that’s for later because my dick is still in his mouth and it’s so warm and wet and, damn it, I gotta cum. I remove him from my mouth and give The Warning and as I had promised I would during our negotiations and in answer to his questions, you know, if he were to change his mind and suck my dick and hypthetically speaking. I’m lying there and feeling my impending release quickly approaching and I’m repeating The Warning and I hear him go, “Hmm-hmm…” which I know means that he not only heard me but for me to go ahead and cum.

I give into it and I’m cumming; I hear him go, “urp” and I’m dimly aware that this is literally a seminal moment for a guy; he’s either going to “acquire the taste” or he isn’t but I’m somewhat “beyond caring” in this moment as my release is beating me like a red-headed stepchild and… I can see that he’s okay even though he’s got this look on his face that I’ll probably ask him about later. Maybe. He releases me and we’re both lying there doing the usual gasping for breath and a couple of years later he finds his voice and asks, “Why did I do that when it wasn’t what I wanted to do?”

Okay… here we go. It’s not the first time a guy had “gone off script” and has asked this question so I gather my thoughts and do my best to explain it to him and how something in a guy’s head just says, “Fuck it – just go for it and worry about it later…” and they find themselves doing something that they hadn’t planned on doing. Trying to explain “being in the moment” isn’t an easy thing to do but I’m doing my best and keeping a close eye on him because he’s in a very vulnerable and fragile moment and experiencing some emotional lability.

He’s listening to me but I can almost guess exactly what’s going on in his head – he’s now trying to reconcile and internally justify his behavior and he’s kinda struggling with it, so I stop talking and ask, “How are you feeling?” He starts talking about how he’s feeling and it’s between feeling great and feeling seriously guilty along with being miffed with himself because he did something that he formerly thought he had no interest in and wasn’t going to do and as he’s telling me this, oh, boy, he’s at a moment where what’s going in his head is going to make his body react… badly.

How many times have I had a guy throw up after swallowing cum for the first time? Too many to count. The bad part is that if he’s going to barf, there’s not much I can do about it other than to “sneak in” a suggestion to just breathe normally; I sneak this in on him and he nods and takes some nice deep breaths and he asks – again – how all of this happened and I say, “Things don’t always go the way we want them to.”

“We can say that I want to do this or I’m not going to do that and sometimes, things go according to plan and… yeah, sometimes, things can go in another direction. And that’s fine and you have to know that it’s fine; shit, I don’t know how many times that’s happened to me, and I’ve been doing this for a while.”

He nods and I can see in his eyes that he’s understanding this, but he’s got some more work to do in his head. He asks, “So now what?” which is “code” for “What are we gonna do now?” And it’s like… backpedaling but I say, “That depends on you. We can stop right here or…” I don’t really have to finish the sentence because he knows that he’s got a decision to make. In my own mind, I’m thinking that we’re either going to call it quits at this point or he’s going to want to do it again or – and as I’d experienced – something else might happen like somebody’s dick winding up in somebody’s ass.

Now it’s just a matter of what he’s going to say next. Strangely, there’s a… pattern to this and one I had noticed a few years back and I’d learned that even when I could see the pattern following form, there’s still no telling what’s going to happen so trying to “plan” for it is futile. The programmer in me is thinking, “If, then, else…” and now it’s all about the parameters that’s going to determine what, if anything, happens next.

He laughs and says, “You probably didn’t plan on this happening, did you?” and I say that I have learned not to plan or expect anything because things can either change or they won’t, and you just never know what’s going to happen until it does. I laugh and say that he obviously hadn’t planned on things going the way they did – and to “prove” that what I had just said was right.

And now we’re back to the beginning and him asking me what I want to do and me telling him that it’s still not about what I want to do and I say, “This is your experience and unless you have something in mind that I could say no to, it’s about what you want to do.”

Was I surprised that he wanted us to suck each other off again? No, not really. It’s not a plan or an expectation but an understanding about how things can go; I’d been in this situation and moment so many times and have seen guys respond in so many different ways that you can’t “plan” for what’s going to happen next, and it makes no sense to try to.

It takes longer for both of us to cum and his second time sucking dick was more… refined? Not sure that’s the right word but he was better at it than he initially was but, in my mind, – and as I’m taking him deep and holding him there – this isn’t that hard to figure out. Some guys are “a natural” at this and some guys have to figure it out and sometimes they do and sometimes they don’t.

He’s fucking into my mouth and I know he’s about to cum; he buries himself deep in my mouth and throat and for a split second, I’m thinking, “Uh oh…” and prepare for not really swallowing his cum and… he cums and I let my body handle it as his cock is pumping strongly. I do get a “chance” to swallow when he backs off enough – and I’m thankful because now it’s a bit easier for me to breathe. He “shifts” from cumming to furiously sucking my dick and a moment later, I cum and he’s “laughing” as he’s swallowing and how I can tell that is something I can’t really explain but I know what that feels like.

We separate and he… apologizes for “ramming” his dick down my throat and I wave it off and tell him that it’s no big deal and it’s not like I’ve never had a guy do that to me before. He asks me if I’m okay and I give him my “do I look like I’m not okay” look and he nods… and now he’s back inside his own head about what he’s done – again. I tell him that it’s okay and for him not to worry about it. I tell him that, sure, things didn’t go the way he had thought they would, but they don’t always do – you get into a flow of things and whatever happens, happens.

He asks me what I would have done if he had wanted to fuck me, and I said that I would have gotten fucked… because that’s what he wanted to do. What would I have done if he had wanted to be fucked was his next – and not unexpected – question and I said that I would have asked him if he was sure that he wanted to do this and if he really was, um, he would’ve gotten fucked because it’s what he wanted – and all of this was all about what he wanted to do more than anything else.

Things don’t always go according to plan and even when both guys are experienced at this. I just do not know how many times I’ve gone into a sexual situation with a guy and with a “plan” in my head about how things were going to go and… things don’t go according to plan. Or they do. Or, sometimes, you know that the plan has to be abandoned and that’s a weird one because I’ve been with a guy, things went according to plan but both of us somehow knew that something else was supposed to happen but didn’t.

So I learned not to plan for anything. Whatever happens, happens even if what happens is… nothing. Okay. At least inside my head, that “if, or, then, else” thing is always going on and it’s like planning but not really and it’s hard to explain. It’s like what am I gonna do if this happens or that happens and if this, then that, or else, this or that and it sounds crazy trying to write this down but it’s not that crazy in my head because, well, it’s the way I think. It’s about… probability. Cause and effect. A lot of known and unknown variables and that’s just about me and not “considering” the other guy because I know what he said but what I don’t and can’t know is whether or not he’s going to throw out his own plan – and our “plans” get chucked because being in the moment calls for it.

The two of us had talked about fucking and I was ambivalent about it; it didn’t matter to me if we did or not because this wasn’t about me… but I had showed up prepared for it and just in case and that, too, is a lesson learned. You “plan” for everything you think could be possible while not expecting things to go the way things were agreed upon. They usually do. And they sometimes don’t.

We didn’t fuck but went for sucking each other off for a third time and that only “worked” because we had taken a long enough break to rehydrate, get a bite to eat, and to hit the bathroom. It took longer for both of us to cum but we both managed it and he let me know that he was quite satisfied with how everything went and “praised” me for being a good sport and allowing him to do things the way he wanted them to while being surprised that he wanted to do what he’d done.

I waved it off and once more reminded him that this – all of this – was 100% about what he wanted to do, and it was the only thing I had really planned on – I just didn’t know what was going to happen. I didn’t tell him that I wasn’t surprised at how things escalated from jerking off to sucking each other off because I’d seen this happen too many times to be surprised by it. There’s a “predictable” pattern to this that is also quite unpredictable because you really can’t know what the other guy is going to do or how the flow of the moment is going to play out. I’ve been happily sucking a guy and being sucked and… one of us winds up with a dick in our ass… and that wasn’t the plan.

So, in a very weird way, you plan for things not going to plan. Yes, things usually go according to what was negotiated and nothing more than what was negotiated… and not so much sometimes. The best thing to do is to be prepared for… anything. Or nothing. You can have it in your head what you want to do and… it goes according to plan, or it doesn’t. Or it does… kinda. At least for me, it’s all about being in the moment and going with the flow of it and with the understanding that you can’t really know how that’s going to go. You can “plan” for it to go a certain way and sometimes it does. Sometimes. How many times have I surprised myself and the other guy when I’ve blurted out, “Put it in my ass and fuck me!” and, yep, I’m wonder why the hell I said that because it’s not what I planned for and not what we agreed to.

Or he’s the one who’s gone off-script and I had to learn not to get… discombobulated when the “plan” goes flying out the window and now, hmm, how are things going to play out now? Sometimes, it goes well and sometimes not so much and even then there’s no telling or planning for what could happen but with a first timer, I have to plan for what I’m doing to do and/or say if some damage control is called for and understanding that even planning for this might go by the wayside because it proves to be not needed or, shit, sometimes, it’s ineffective or partially so or, shit, let’s not really call it a plan but it’s just being prepared for… probable stuff.

This moment went well for the guy and, well, that was the plan I had in mind. What I wanted to do was for this to go well for him. I did eventually tell him that I had kinda/sorta expected things to go the way they did and assured him that he wasn’t predictable but there’s a pattern to this that, again and for you guys, isn’t easy to explain but you just know it. I explained to him that you can start off like we did and jerking each other off. Okay. This is… okay. But then, hmm, doing this to each other sounds like a great idea – and for a lot of reasons that you just can’t put into words. He nodded at this point and admitted that when he suggested that we jerk each other, he was thinking about what my dick would feel like in his and and all that and why the hell not.

We’re both laughing over that. I then said, “At some point – and I really don’t know why – you’re stroking the other guy and, like we did, we’re watching it happening and then it just… pops into your head that you want to suck the dick you’re stroking and even though you had said that you weren’t interested in that but now you are and you start doing it and you’re wondering why you’re doing something you said you didn’t want to do and didn’t plan on doing it… and did he see what goes on with this?

He said that he did and how weird it is because that’s kinda what he was thinking… and impressed that I knew what he was thinking and how did I know that? Well, that’s because I’ve had those same moments myself and if I can recognize it in myself, it’s not all that hard to recognize it in someone else and more so when you get chances to see it and as many times as I’ve had.

You… hope for the best but expect the worse. You… plan for things while expecting for things to not go according to plan because you just learn that you can never really know what’s going to happen until it does. There’s what you want to do and then there’s what could happen that’s unexpected because you have this… idea in your head about how something is going to go, and some guys get blindsided when the unexpected happens… and they’re the one who flushed the plan down the toilet.

It’s… complicated to write down and as you can probably tell. You plan for the plan not going according to plan… and going according to the plan. Crazy, huh?

 
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Posted by on 25 September 2022 in Today's Bisexual Thoughts

 

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Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: 24 September 22

Fifty-nine years and one day ago, a girl gave me the best birthday present ever: Her body. She was ashamed that her family was poor and that meant she was unable to give me a present at my party. I have a very clear memory of her coming to me, wishing me a happy birthday, and almost in tears to tell me that she didn’t have a present to give me but there was something she could give me.

Herself. We snuck into a hiding place I’d discovered in the huge hallway closet of the apartment I lived in: A “secret” area which, when I got a lot older, I realized was an extra storage space – and it was there where I’d asked her what she wanted to show me and what she showed me was how to have sex with her. I can get all into that “I had no idea about this” stuff even though it was the truth. She didn’t have to do anything to get me erect except to hike up her dress and pull her panties down; she laid down on her back and opened her legs and told me to lay on top of her, which I thought was weird but, okay; I did that and she guided me to her “kitty cat” and used her hands on my butt to push me into her and…

It felt weird. It felt good. I didn’t know what this was, but I liked it… I think. She talked me through how to move and I followed her instructions and it felt so good and I very much remember thinking that this is the sex thing my parents were telling me to stay away from. It went from feeling good to feeling really good; I was all… tingly. Then I heard my mother asking if anyone had seen me because it was time for me to blow out the candles on my cake and… some panic as I jumped up and we got “redressed,” and I went to blow out the candles on my cake and… I felt really good and a little bad because now I knew about the sex thing and had disobeyed my parents.

A whole lot of years later, I would understand what happened that day; I would understand the situation she found herself in; I would understand the sacrifice she made to do what she did, and I would absolutely, positively appreciate the gift of her body. What I would wonder was how did she know what to do? I never got the chance to ask her because her family had moved like a week later but, yeah, I knew how to do it a girl and was going after every opportunity to do it.

Then I got introduced to dick. The very forbidden thing of having sex with a male. The moment I had his dick in my mouth, I was hooked on the taste and feel and got the hook sunk in deeper when “all of a sudden,” I feel something warm in my mouth. It tasted salty and there was a lot of it and, in another of those moments that I will always clearly remember, I had to do something because the stuff in my mouth was starting to make me gag so… I swallowed it. More out of self-defense than anything else. Adult Me would be reliving this moment and say, “You could have spit it out, you know…” and, no, I didn’t know that (you big dummy) but I just did the only thing I could think of doing at the time.

And it was another of the best things I’d ever experienced. It was scary good because, once again, I’d disobeyed my parents and did the one thing they told me to never do, and I do remember asking them why and all they said was that it was wrong. And… now I knew that they were wrong but what I wanted to know after it was over and done with was why did something that everyone said was bad feel so good? A week later – and to my great shock and surprise – I would ejaculate for the first time and I did it inside my “girlfriend” and, yeah, thought I was dying and she’s ecstatically telling me that I did it over and over and I have no idea what she’s talking about, but she pointed down at her kitty cat and said, “Look!”

I did and, I dunno, my still shook-up mind just knew what all that white stuff was – the “dreaded and feared” baby-making stuff and my mind also made the connection of what I had swallowed that day. And now, I could shoot it. Adult Me would, one day, understand that in that very short period of time, I had learned what it “really” means to have sex. Girls. And boys. And… I was off and running on a path that I shouldn’t have been on but one I had no intention of ever leaving.

Why did something everyone said was so bad feel so good? Because it’s supposed to feel good and it’s not really as bad as I – and all of us youngsters – were being told it was, from having sex to having it with boys and being in that… special place where I could do the nasty – have sex – with both boys and girls. Did it get any better than that? I would find out that it did and as I like to say, I’m still embarrassed at how eager I was to have sex. Man, talk about being a whore about it? Anyone. Any place. Learning that what my father had told me about never putting my mouth on a girl’s pussy was not only mysterious but I never learned why he said that… but putting my mouth on a girl’s pussy, as it would turn out, was better than putting my mouth on a guy’s dick and making him shoot lots of cum into my mouth and, oh, yeah, my mother telling me, all late and wrong, to never let a girl put her mouth on my penis.

And knowing that both boys and girls were having a great time doing just that. It just didn’t get any better because if the girls didn’t want to do it, there was always a guy or two or five who’d want to, from sucking each other off to fucking each other. Adult Me would have a laughing fit to recall that I hated having my temperature taken rectally… but I liked a boy putting his dick in my ass, fucking me, and shooting lots of jizz – cum – in there. So weirdly good.

As I was learning more and more about having sex, I was also learning why grownups were so uptight about it. I would learn that there are bad things that can happen when you have sex. I would start to wonder if the adults around us (1) knew we were deep into having sex and (2) what us guys were doing to each other and every damned chance we got. Well, I got caught fucking a guy by my mom and I knew I was dead meat and, another of those crystal-clear memories, I still remember the lecture she gave me in lieu of beating the life out of me and to say it was scathing doesn’t even come close to how I felt. As in so many things, Adult Me would think about that moment – and the fact that after she got done verbally shredding me into tiny pieces, I went back to my room… and right back to what I got caught doing and having a bit of an attitude because I knew that had she walked into my room five minutes earlier, she would have caught the other guy dick-deep in me and there’s no telling how that would have went.

Adult Me would see that Teenaged Me would realize that the adults did know what us guys were doing and… they did nothing, well, for the most part. Adult Me would remember all of those times spending the night with a guy and we’re doing it like it nobody’s business and we’d get a huge scare to hear a parent saying, “You boys better not be doing anything you don’t have any business doing!” and I would think that it was a warning but I would understand that they weren’t really warning us as much as they were telling us that they knew what we were doing. I would learn, through the mistakes of others, that adults only got involved when (1) there was a complaint about it (and that was extremely rare) or (2) the guys in question were careless or just unlucky to get caught in the act.

Learning that what we were doing wasn’t just happening where we lived: It was… everywhere. All kinds of guys were into this and things like race didn’t exclude anyone. Some guys only had sex with guys but a lot of guys I’d meet were like me and had sex with both and couldn’t get enough of having sex and/or doing it with another guy. I was learning so much that Adult Me wonders why my head didn’t “explode” from all the information I was cramming into my head about sex and going both ways. The good of it as well as the bad. Understanding that “boys being boys” thing and what it could really mean if, uh, you know, a guy want to or didn’t mind doing it with another guy and also learning that sometimes, it was the only option other than jerking off as much as I and others were doing – and finding out that we didn’t go blind and didn’t start growing hair on the palms of our hands – was to have sex with each other and, at least for myself, I’d say that 98% of the time, the sex with guys was very damned good… but also learning some shit about us that girls not only knew but hated about us but also liked about us.

Yeah, girls are weird… but I was understanding why they were, and even more shit was getting crammed into my head and it all made sense to me; Adult Me would realize that I not only participated in a masterclass for having sex, I understood what sex was and before I turned 16 and when other guys and gals were just now finding out about sex. And the learning just did not stop.

Being exposed to the prejudice homosexuals were being exposed to even though I knew that I wasn’t homosexual, well, not as a “full time occupation.” Finding myself being amazed and/or amused to run into guys who were fantasizing about sex with men and in ways that I’d already done and “mastered” and all before I was a teenager. Getting even more into being the one guy that other guys would have their first sexual experience with a guy… or with anyone. Or, if that didn’t happen, I’m telling them what I know about this.

And at every turn, learning how… juvenile and hypocritical we are about having sex. Adult Me would go on a business trip to the UK and I remember how… embarrassed I felt to hear my UK teammates talking about how immature Americans was about sex and that we needed to grow up and get with the rest of the world where sex was concerned. And still learning that we were, on the whole, “content” to be prudish about it and making us the sexual laughingstock of the world.

And… the learning kept right on happening. Eventually getting around to understand why the social stigmata exists and, fuck, humans are insane because they want to believe all that religious stuff over what was really happening; that didn’t make sense to me then and it still doesn’t make sense to me. But my innate and sometimes bothersome curiosity about a lot of things would, one day, be what made me good at the job/career I’d chosen because it wasn’t enough to know that something happened; I had to know why it happened and, at least for my job, do whatever it took to make sure it didn’t happen again.

As far as bisexuality went, I just wasn’t “content” to know that, yeah, guys do have sex with each other and sometimes in some eye-opening ways that can make me cringe. I had to know why. I had to know what made a guy who wasn’t getting laid by a woman come to the conclusion that having sex with another guy was the thing to do and more so when masturbation was more of an inconvenience than the pleasurable thing it usually is. Why and what makes a guy want to always be “the girl” when having sex with a dude? Getting older and allegedly wiser about this bisexual thing and running into men who, according to them, never had any thoughts or interests in having sex with men… and now they want to and the urge to do it is driving them batshit crazy… and they wanted to know where this shit came from and what to do about it or, as I would learn, wish that they weren’t thinking and feeling the way they were about it and that it would just away and leave them the fuck alone.

And learning that… it never goes away. Yeah, as far as I know, the only thing that really makes this go away is when you stop breathing. Bearing witness to how our social and moral norms were at the source of “budding bisexuals” being confused and otherwise disturbed due to the conflicting nature of things. On the one hand, it’s a taboo and sin for a man to even think about wanting to have carnal knowledge of another man and worse if he does and if he does, he’s got to be gay. And learning some disturbing shit about humans and the power of belief can wield in ways that can make us, well, stupid, for lack of a better word because, clearly, a man who has sex (and other intimacies) with women and men can’t be gay.

And learning that some gay folks… aren’t really as gay as they believe themselves to be and bearing witness to some… insanity going on in this. Not all gay men hate women and as I’d heard it said and believed by others; not all lesbians were man-hating fanatics, but I’d learn that so many believed in the way being gay is supposed to be and, yeah, sometimes, they’d get confused and otherwise discombobulated to find out that the way it’s supposed to be isn’t always the way it can be.

You know, if you don’t mind and if you don’t mind, it never matters. Learning that the only way it does matter is if one keeps believing whatever’s going on inside their head instead of looking at what reality has been showing us all along and, all the while, trying to “get away” from accepting that we – humans – are some very damned sexual critters… and it’s not like we don’t know that and… that’s why there’s a way things are supposed to be and why they should never be deviated from and…

We’ve been deviating like a motherfucker… because it sure as fuck does feel good and it feels good to be bad. Learning that there’s a… dynamic at work here, not so much about what guys are doing to each other in the pursuit of sexual pleasure but how it’s being looked at. I like to say that once upon a time, any guy who would have sex with another guy would be deemed to be unmanly. If he sucked dick and like to get fucked, yeah – a total faggot and flaming fag… but I would notice that no one had anything bad to say about the other guy; if “Tim” was a girly faggot for sucking “Dean’s” dick and being fucked by Dean, what does that make Dean?

And that was “the way it was” for the longest time until I noticed a change and one that said that it is very manly to have sex with other men and if you didn’t, you were some kind of punk-assed motherfucker and one who needed to get with the program. I’d found this interesting because I had come to the conclusion many years prior that it takes some manly intestinal fortitude to make the decision to have sex with a guy and I knew that because I talked to a lot of guys about this and got to see – and learn – what it took to make this decision and in the face of the ongoing hatred for homosexuals. The need to have sex this way; being compelled to do it and, yeah, the dynamic had changed to the extent that I was seeing guys who knew what role they wanted to play in this, and they were nowhere near in a position to do what they were very much wanting to do.

The social dynamic was changing all along and more so when the LGB community was established, which started out being a damned good thing because they were a resource for those who were… having problems with their sexuality and it was a safety zone to escape the prejudice and hatred being displayed by those who refused to understand this thing about us. Today, it’s the LGBTQ+ community and bisexuals were/are finding out that in this alphabetical mishmash, we’re the red-headed stepchild because there are those of the LG persuasion who are of a mind that the B, specifically, isn’t a part of their struggle for equality all across the board.

And seeing how all of this social shit was affecting the dynamic where bisexuality was concerned. I thought things were bad when I was growing up… and it’s gotten worse and to the point where I’m sometimes not sure what the hell some folks are talking about… and then learning that they’re talking about this in the way that they are because… it’s the only way they can accept and understand it but, methinks, not just simply looking at it for what bisexuality really is and without overthinking the way they’re doing.

I wonder if the generation before mine were looking at how we were going about bisexuality and wondering what the fuck we were doing… and they probably were. I had to worry about being singled out as a homosexual; bisexuals today are worrying about being erased. What the ever-loving fuck? Is it just me or has everyone really and finally lost their minds? They went from understanding how fluid human sexuality really is to… being erased. Being told that they’re invisible. Now it’s all about gender and being non-binary, and a whole lot of other things, I’m finding it hard to make sense of, like, really – what the fuck does “cishet” really mean? Yes – I looked the word up and I understand what it says… but I don’t understand why the word exists in the first place. There are bisexuals who object to the word “bisexual.”

What…? The thing I am seriously glad and happy about is that I didn’t become bisexual in the here and now. I know that it was confusing enough as I was growing up and today – and how some or a lot of folks are looking and redefining bisexuality – it’s even more confusing and I sometimes find it… disturbing to see how many people are buying into this… reorganization of bisexuality. It’s now become a political thing for us to bitch about – and like we don’t have enough political shit to be fussing and bitching about already and this bitching seems to be along the same lines that homosexuals were bitching about… and they had a damned good reason to bitch and take things to the political level.

The overall “perception” that bisexuals are being persecuted makes my jaw drop. I know that bisexual men were the great evil before folks today started riffing about; I know that the schism between men and women got widened because bisexual men were seen as the great and dangerous evil; I knew both men and women who believed that all bisexuals carried the HIV virus. Learning how we let our fears, both real and imagined, just fuck with us and for no good reason and letting that which we fear override our intelligence and, sometimes, irrationally so… like biphobia. And if that wasn’t bad enough, all of those people who insist that it’s not an irrational fear and as phobias have been described as and before I was born and way before that blessed event.

They say that biphobia is not an irrational fear of bisexuals… but it is. So is homophobia but here’s the thing I learned about this: We become afraid of something when we’re told to be afraid of it. And, supposedly, it’s possible for a bisexual to be biphobic… and I still don’t know how the fuck that works. I’ve gotten flak from some quarters because I don’t believe in that stupid erasure thing that has so many bisexuals pissing themselves over. You can’t erase bisexuality. We’re still trying to erase and invalidate homosexuality and, yeah, you really have to think about and question our collective sanity to be trying to get rid of something that has always existed and that’s because it’s part of human nature.

And how did trying to erase homosexuals work? It didn’t. So, trying to erase bisexuals isn’t going to work. It’s said that I’m invisible because I’m not of a mind to let every damned person I come across know that I’m bisexual and I’m sure as fuck not going to be “out in the street” and like so many are doing to let everyone know that bisexuals are real… and like we didn’t know that already – and we did know it but those damned homosexuals were the great evil to pay the most attention to.

Growing up – and I’ve said it before, and I’ll keep right on saying it – the general consensus was that anyone who would go both ways must be out of their fucking minds and more than those gay motherfuckers were crazy. I keep learning; I do my best to understand the things I’m observing as the dynamic continues to change right before my often-unbelieving and incredulous eyes. What the holy fuck is going on?

And I know people who wonder why I long for the good old days…

 
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Posted by on 24 September 2022 in Today's Bisexual Thoughts

 

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Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: 20 September 22

Interacting with guys, from just hanging out to, um, doing the deed if it’s like that. Sometimes, it really is a just-sex kind of thing and sometimes it can turn into more than that and as my protege keeps finding out.

His current FWB is giving him da bizness about him having sex with other guys and women and “hinting” at a more exclusive kind of thing which I find… amusing since this guy is having sex with other guys as well. It’s one of those things where it’s okay for him to sleep with other men but he’s having some issues about my protege doing the same thing.

Which tends to bug the shit out of him. The two of them are an “odd couple” even though they are not in a relationship with each other. My protege is bi, his FWB is gay and… this tends to get interesting and, yes, been there myself and dealing with the same “complaints.” You have a conversation about how things are gonna go in this situation and trying to make it as NSA as possible – unless one is looking to attach some strings. Once this is understood and accepted by both parties, things can go forward and, hopefully, smoothly and without too many bumps in the road…

Like your FWB giving you da bizness about who else you’re giving the dick to… and it’s not a health concern thing. I tend to… laugh at my protege when he tells me about this because (1) he just seems to connect with guys who’d love to take him off the market and (2) I get to tell him – again – that this is what he gets for being good at what he does and in this situation, yeah, he must be giving his FWB some serious dick for the guy’s feelings to jump to the front of the line.

Then we get to talking about this – again. I remind him that sex has a master key to our emotions; I remind him that all of us are of a mind that if we run into someone who really resonates with us and “all across the board,” it’s pretty normal to (1) catch feelings and (2) want to be monogamous and exclusive with that person. Now, if this is something the other person is interested in, it’s not a problem but, yeah, if there is no interest in taking things in this direction, it can get interesting and not always in a good way.

I’ve had gay men try to convince me to come over to the gay side and forget being involved with women; I’ve had them “lose their minds” because I tell them – again – that I’m not interested in such an arrangement and there’s no way in hell that I’m giving up women and… now it’s all about them, how they feel, what they want from me other than whatever sex we’re having and why can’t I be like him?

Um… because I’m not. It’s not like I don’t know about having a gay boyfriend – I had one and, whew, what a rush that was and more so when I thought that it was impossible. I learned so much about this kind of relationship, but I didn’t have to get da bizness from him over having sex with my wife because he understood what the deal was before we even agreed that, yes, let’s have a relationship and I’ll just say that he got to understand why I like pussy and leave it at that. The main point was that he didn’t give me any grief about anything but in my experiences with gay men, my boyfriend was more the exception than the rule… and whatever the frigging rule is and means.

Sure, lots of one-off sex with gay men which is all well and good and many of them would try to turn me to the gay side but didn’t give me shit about not wanting to do that… and some of them got pretty dramatic and, sometimes, really nasty about it. Stuff like this taught me about that nonsense about bisexuals not being able to commit to one person thing because I have, in fact, heard this more from gay men than any other source. I get it and I had to because some guys were really upset that (1) I wasn’t giving up women and (2) I’m not really gay like they are.

It’s not like they didn’t understand my situation and my position regarding anything other than us having sex; I learned that, yeah, I’d better be clear about it so that some guy isn’t going to [again] ask me to leave my wife for them. What I had to do was understand how and why they were feeling the way they were and… as always, I learned some stuff and stuff that, by the time I got a boyfriend, made sense since just because the other guy is gay, it doesn’t mean that he doesn’t have feelings of wanting to “belong” to someone and that they look at this in the same way everyone goes about finding someone to call their own and between things like personality and, um, how good the sex is, it makes sense that those guys wanted me to be gay and trying to convince me leave my wife to be with them.

My protege is a great guy and I fuck with him and saying that he’s a gay man’s wettest dream and that he’d make some guy a great husband. Why? Because of his personality and he’s not really a bad looking guy (even though I yank his chain about that); he’s amiable, generous, conscientious and has all of the qualities one would want in someone when a relationship is possible and… apparently, he is very good in bed and he stays horny. He’s all about male bonding and having the kind of male friends that are okay with them having sex but he’s not going to commit to anything beyond FWB and I cannot say anything other than that here.

Yesterday and because his FWB had a bit of a hissy fit about his activities, he said that he might have to rethink this whole sex thing… and I asked him, “Rethink it in what way?” and, later, asked him why he would do that but, for me, it was a rhetorical question because I knew he was reacting to what his FWB had to say which is something that he should be aware of but doesn’t mean that he has to change himself over what the FWB said… unless he wanted to be in a monogamous relationship with a guy.

And I reminded him to never say never about this one; if you think it’s not possible, you can expect Mr. Murphy to show up and teach you some real deal shit and why you should never say never and like myself and a whole lot of other people have found out. He mentioned having a talk with his FWB and I asked him why because all he was going to do was tell the guy something he already knows. I suggested that he just… monitor things but, yeah, he might have to have that conversation with him, but I did also remind him that there is nothing he can do about how someone else feels other than, at the very least, accept that this is how they feel, and you don’t have to do anything about it if you don’t want to or can’t.

He told me that his FWB said that he’s flustered because he can’t figure my protege out and, well, that doesn’t surprise me a whole lot because dealing with a bisexual isn’t “that easy” because of the dual nature of what we are. It’s almost like “I’m bisexual” goes right over some guys’ head or, gay men look at other men and see potentially gay men and that’s understandable and… the heart wants what the heart wants. He said that his FWB wants to see him have sex with a woman and that didn’t surprise me because, as surprising as it may seem, there are gay men who don’t know about being with a woman and, as such, can’t see or understand the attraction. Personally, I felt that, well, how can it not be understood? It’s not even close to rocket science but this, too, taught me some stuff about how some guys think and why they think the way they do.

It’s… complicated. I sometimes think that we “forget” that sex has power and, like I said, it has a master key to unlock emotions that we might not want to get unlocked and… that’s just the way it is. If it’s that good to you, you can hardly help wanting more of the same and if they’re consistently kicking your ass into the next county, well, it can be… bothersome to know that this person is doing the same thing to other men and, oh, yeah, women. I’m never trying to be insulting but when I had to deal with this, I saw that there’s a disconnect happening because I can’t and don’t think like a gay man and the gay men giving me da bizness didn’t and couldn’t think like a bi man and, as such, our ideals of the whole love, sex, and relationship thing are… different but at the high level, not even different as far as what everyone is doing in this pursuit and, of course, if/when things get to the relationship phase, it’s all about being monogamous and giving up whatever other interests you may have and, well, you’re on lockdown and that’s just the way it is and has to be.

I remember having this conversation with a guy and asking him if he really believed that it was possible for me to just forget and give up women and not even think about them… and he told me that in order to be with him, I had to and I pointed out to him that he was assuming that I wanted to be with him like and I didn’t. Totally fine with having sex. I could – and because I had permission – take on a boyfriend but I was already in a seriously complicated relationship with three women, and I knew that they weren’t trying to hear anything about another guy being in the mix. He said that it didn’t make sense to him that I’d want to deal with women, which had me thinking if he had an axe to grind with women or he just believed that because he was a gay man, he’s not to ever have anything to do with women except maybe being friends.

He wasn’t happy and I did feel bad that he was feeling the way he was but… that’s the way it was. I understood his feelings and, again, I didn’t like hurting them, but it always remains true that just because this is what you want doesn’t mean that the other person is going to want it and even if they did, they still have to be able to engage like this. And it all lends itself to how I’ve heard gay men say that, bluntly, bi guys ain’t shit and then understanding why they feel this way.

We – bisexual men – aren’t gay men. We can have sex like we are but anything beyond that is dependent upon what the bi guy is willing to entertain and what he isn’t. I’ve hurt the feelings of a lot of gay men and… there’s nothing to be said or done about it because I’m not gay and I love the shit out of women and their very delicious pussies… and I can’t even imagine myself… not being myself. It’s a pain in the ass but it’s one that is also understandable and… it can get complicated and messy.

I don’t have anything against gay men but when sex is in play, well, I got to learn about that master key because I’ve gotten unlocked more times than I care to admit to and it’s seriously fucked up to get unlocked and then find out that the other person, well, they have other plans. And then learning to accept that they don’t want things to go the way I’m feeling they need to go and… messy. Frustrating. If only they were more like me so that they could better understand but… they aren’t like me and asking them to is… unreasonable and unrealistic because they have a commitment to themselves to… be themselves first and foremost.

I’m typing all of this and I have that look on my face and my head is trying to start hurting because I know there’s no easy way to deal with this situation when Person A is very smitten and thinking about a more exclusive kind of thing and Person B… isn’t even interested in taking things to this level. I’ve been of a mind that this is another one of those things where Person A can intelligently understand Person B’s position but emotionally? Yeah, not so much. It is of great interest to note that this isn’t totally a sexuality thing but some stuff that I’ll say everyone goes through and regardless to sexuality.

The heart wants what it wants and it’s not going to be happy to not get what it wants. You can keep your own feelings in check… but you can’t do shit about how the other person feels and they’re feeling this way… because you got them to feeling this way… and ain’t that about a bitch? I think that we – men – think that we can just have sex with each other and avoid any emotional entanglements and like so many of us do regarding women. We want them and not just for sex and… she’s not feeling it. It hurts and no matter how many times you wind up experiencing this and if you understand being rejected by a woman in this, it’s not all that hard to understand it when the people involved are both men.

Complicated, frustrating and very messy. We perceive that there are different… mandates that are part and parcel of one’s sexuality, but I got to learn that there really isn’t any different mandates because we all want someone we can have sex with, and we want someone we can love and be in a relationship with. And it sucks horribly when one of these things doesn’t happen or happen the way we want them to and it’s two ships passing in the night and a seriously foggy night at that. Even among bi guys, you have the one “camp” who is of a mind that catching feelings is to be avoided; let’s just have mad crazy sex with each other and not take things beyond the friendship that’s been established. In the other camp are the guys who very much want feelings to be caught and to be in a situation that’s more than just having sex and, I guess these days “classically,” that would be an FWB situation and if it can be exclusive, so much the better.

What a fucking clusterfuck this can be but it’s one that erases the sexuality lines and that’s not hard to understand but let’s say preferences within The Big Three are… different. Opposite sex, same sex, both sexes and getting the twain to meet on some common ground isn’t impossible but it can be messy because one doesn’t really want to hurt someone else’s feelings but, yeah, it happens and sometimes because it has to happen; our goals aren’t compatible past a certain point.

A gay man told me that when he’s my woman, he expected me to give up women and pussy because he would be all I needed and could give it to me better than any woman. I didn’t laugh due to the seriousness of the conversation but what I knew – and what I told him – was that, bluntly, there was no way in hell I was going to do that because I can’t do it. I’m bisexual in both thought and deed and now you’re asking me to do and be something that I don’t want to do or be. Which makes me the bad guy. I get it. I really get it. It’s just the way things are in this and the way it’s always been when one person wants this and the other would prefer to chew glass.

Setting aside feelings of jealousy, envy, obsessiveness and possessiveness is a bitch and a half to do and like how some guys can’t handle the fact that the woman they’re with now… was someone else’s woman in the past and, well, you know. I know I had to learn to rid myself of these things because holding onto the was causing me a lot of emotional pain and over stuff that I couldn’t do anything about – and that included what someone else was feeling about me and/or what they wanted from me that wasn’t just sex. Again, I know what it’s like to be in love with a guy and how wonderful it was being in a relationship with him and more so when we… understood each other. My bisexuality wasn’t a problem or issue for him and he even said that my being bi was what attracted him to me in the first place… and I can only guess how he knew that but I think I know who told him. Not a problem, really.

I never had to listen to him “ranting and raving” about what I had to do being married and it wasn’t like I wasn’t spending quality time with him – and the kind where you can keep your clothes on, too. I had a problem dealing with and understanding his emotions at times and he knew that because we would talk about how things were going with us and if I was having an “interesting” time getting a grip on this, he was as well and the whole relationship was amazing because we understood each other as far as sexuality went and we didn’t allow our sexuality differences to get in the way of how we felt about each other.

I learned some important shit being with him. I got a seriously up-close look at the “gay mind,” if you will and what I learned from him helped me to understand why guys I’d had sex with before him were behaving the way they were – and then see it in a big picture way or, he wasn’t behaving any differently than I did when I met my wife and fell in love with her. I learned that sexuality aside, it’s not all that different but I also learned that there are a lot of gay men who aren’t so able to emotionally understand this. And… the power of sex. Combine that with a personality that just resonates with someone and, well, what do you think they’re going to be thinking and feeling?

And, at least for myself, feeling some kind of way because I knew I was going to hurt their feelings because I didn’t want what they wanted. I can’t not be bisexual. I wouldn’t even try to “guarantee” that I’m not ever going to want to have sex with a woman. I’d already learned that monogamy is a joke and very damned unreasonable since you really cannot control someone else’s feelings and can barely do something to prevent them from acting on their feelings and, yeah, monogamy is some seriously fucked up shit that I would prefer not to have anything with but that’s a whole different kind of scribble and one I’ve done a few times. I don’t dismiss the fact that I just might meet a guy and fall in love with him because if it happened before, it can happen again. It’s not a… goal for me. I can reasonably think and feel that my bisexuality is going to give my new gay boyfriend some fits at some point because my focus isn’t going to be 100% on him because I have an incurable case of pussy on the brain… and I don’t want to be cured of it.

It stands to reason that if he wants what he wants, I want what I want… and it’s not just dick. I’m going to have to deal with any fears he will likely have that I’m going to cheat on him and I’m not going to guarantee that I won’t since, unless he agrees to the condition I know I’m going to put on the table, cheating on him will be the only way I will be able to take care of my other sexual needs and when I want to eat pussy and, um, make it messy, my boyfriend doesn’t have one and, sheesh. Am I admitting that I’d cheat on him? I guess I am because if I don’t understand anything else, I understand that needs must. I understand that I’m not being who and what I am by being something and someone that I know I’m not. Don’t get me wrong – I can be monogamous… but I’m not going to like it and I do have a problem with a way of life that tells me that I can’t have what I want and just because I’m in a relationship and…

Messy as anything can get. I don’t know what my protege is going to do if his FWB is really making a move to take him off the market and essentially turn him into a gay man. I’m almost sure that my protege isn’t of a mind to go this route and, yeah, him walking away from women and pussy? Not gonna happen and it can’t happen; I understand this and I think his FWB intelligently understands this but another thing I learned is that logic and intelligence tends to not be proof against strong emotional stuff.

Yes, you gotta know that I told him that this is what he gets for being good at what he does… and what he’s exceptionally good at is… being who he is. I’ve often told him that the way he can understand this is to think of any time in his life where he’s been dealing with a woman because there’s not a lot of differences going on here so what an FWB is saying about how he feels and all that should sound very familiar to him. I advised him not to “lose his cool” over having to go through this again. Just be cool and keep an eye on things; maybe this is a one-time “gripe” and because of something else I’m not at liberty to mention but, yeah, I can see how that something else could get this guy fussing about some stuff. If it’s a one-time gripe, fine. Do nothing other than what you guys are already doing. But if it continues, then you’re gonna have to think about how you’re going to handle things when they start to stress your sensibilities. He’s made it clear to me that he doesn’t want to have a boyfriend and it’s not like his FWB doesn’t know this… but. This guy is… expressing how he feels and if I’m not mistaken, this is the first time he’s done something like this and for my protege, it’s a new record because he’s had FWBs who have gotten to this moment rather quickly.

Better him than me but, as his mentor, I got his back… but I also have his FWBs back because I understand how he feels and what’s making him feel this way. It’s yet another of those occupational hazards that aren’t necessarily related to sexuality but when you toss that into the mix, it gets… interesting and not always in a good way because the heart wants what it wants; you take a great personality and combine it with near-consistent mind-blowing sex and… what do you think is gonna happen? Sheesh, I’ve just blown gay guys and I’ve had them go all relationship-mode on me and I couldn’t make sense of it until I eventually put it all together and… damn. Yep, I thought about giving up having sex with guys because of this but why should I stop being the way I am because of how someone else feels? It’s not “my fault” that I am what I am and it’s not the way some gay men wanted me to be: Both monogamous and gay.

Yeah, I just can’t see myself doing this. I will never say never again but I know me. Women… yeah. Them. So gloriously insane and so glorious to be intimate with. Gives me some delicious chills and they will always have this effect on me and I’m going to always want them because living by dick alone is something that is possible… but I don’t want to do and no matter how I might be feeling about a guy. That’s me. It’ll be interesting to see how this turns out for my protege and his FWB. Hopefully, this is just a hiccup but the reality says that it might not be – it could be a big pothole but that remains to be seen.

A very heavy sigh. I… understand this because I found myself having to understand why some gay dude were giving me so much grief about being bisexual and not wanting anything more from them than sex and being made to understand that they’re human and prone to catching feelings and just like all of us are and… you learn some hard lessons about some stuff and you’re revising what you think you know, taking a close look at yourself and all kinds of stuff and, yeah, sometimes, hurting someone’s feelings because you can’t be to them what they want you to be.

C’est la vie. Seriously because this is not a joking matter.

 
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Posted by on 20 September 2022 in Today's Bisexual Thoughts

 

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Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: 18 September 22

I saw on the forum that the poll/post about preferring to suck dick or eat pussy is still very much alive and well and… reading what the guys have and are saying tends to amuse me because it’s another of those “choices” things that are of the either/or variety and one that I think tends to lock bisexuals into boxes that bisexuality tends to free one from.

It’s not sucking dick or eating pussy – it’s sucking dick and eating pussy. I see guys responding to this and it’s always about which thing they prefer to do over the other. I’m not surprised that a lot of guys have responded that, oh, yeah, for them, it’s sucking dick over eating pussy and even kinda saying, “Yeah, I like to eat pussy, but…” and I read this stuff, laugh, and wonder why guys do this and why a lot of bisexuals tend to think “or” instead of “and.”

Stuff like this is too much like that silly notion that people are either straight or they’re gay. It’s an absolute or, as I often like to say, thinking like a Sith straight out of Star Wars. I know that I can have sex with a man or a woman and it’s all about availability and all that but at the high level of things, I can and do have sex with men and women. It’s sucking dick and eating pussy. One isn’t all that preferred over the other because there’s no reason to. I love doing both even though I also know that there are up and down sides to giving someone head and, well, that’s just how it goes in these things.

How many times have I been hit with one of these choice kind of questions… and the person asking them gets stuck on stupid when I say, “Both!” Or my favorite response of, “Yes!” It’s both. It’s not preferring one over the other but preferring both. Bisexuals often talk about this being two-sided and, yeah, it is, but they do it in terms of having a straight side and a gay one which gives them the impression that being bisexual is living two different lives instead of living just one life that includes wanting and being able to have sex in the “gay mode” of things. We tend to see this as two different things… and it is… but not really because at the root of this is… it’s sex.

I’ve often thoughts that because bisexuals break that “straight or gay” nonsense – and because we are both but, importantly, not exclusively one or the other – getting into stuff like do you prefer to suck cock or do you prefer to eat pussy is… silly since, um, sexually active bisexuals tend to do both and that’s because they prefer to give head. Period. Questions like this are… nitpicky. Tends to try to shove one back into the social “mindset” that you’re either straight or you’re gay and then those annoying question of preferring to be one way over the other and… being nitpicky and, I think, just losing sight of the big picture.

My answer to this was, “Yes!” And, as expected, someone asked me why I responded like that instead of stating my preference and my answer was, “Because I prefer to suck dick and eat pussy.” There is no “or” in the way I think and feel about this. Not sure why this is so hard for some people to understand but, okay, I do know why and it goes back to either being straight or being gay. One or the other… but not both because who does that?

Oh, yeah – bisexuals do. Well, which do you prefer more? Men or women? Dick or pussy? Sucking or eating. Giving or receiving? Top or bottom? It says something about how humans think and, yeah, not all that different from how computers “think;” a bit is either on or it’s off. Yes or no, true or false but also if, then, and else and, yeah, it’s interesting and more so when you consider that we program computers or try to and in the same way we think. Makes sense. But you can easily send a computer into a looping mode when it’s presented with an argument or statement that creates a conflict; it’s not on but it’s not off; it’s yes and no and getting to if, then, and else, well, that’s not going to happen until a programmer goes in, finds the erroneous piece of the code that caused the loop and fixes it.

But humans are… hard to fix in this sense and it’s why bisexuality tends to fuck with people because it’s something that our social programming takes into consideration and… it can’t be both or it’s on and off; it’s yes and no. What the fuck? Pick a side and stay on it! And, yup, prefer one thing/aspect over the other. It’s not men or women; it’s both. It boggles the minds of many. It should be one or the other, but it isn’t. Okay. I know guys who wouldn’t eat pussy if you paid them to, but they do suck dick. I know guys who won’t suck dick but will eat pussy. That’s preference but not one that applies to all bisexuals. We still get stuck in this either/or loop when we ask if we like eating pussy more than we like sucking dick and… not being able to see that, sure, eating pussy is da shit… but so is sucking dick.

Bisexuality defies everything we know about sex and sexuality. But we still think in absolutes and, again, I’ve baffled a lot of people because I don’t prefer one or the other; I prefer both and in no particular order. It all depends on… availability. Whomever I can convince to let me give them head first. Being in that “perfect moment” where I can suck dick and eat pussy and like I’m at a buffet because I prefer to do both. It’s not two different things but just one thing: Oral sex. Giving head. Any other consideration is being… nitpicky. And then being of a mind that one thing has to be preferred over the other; you’re either going to have sex like you’re a straight dude and prefer to only eat pussy or you’re gonna have sex like a gay dude and prefer to only suck dick. Preferring both and not being… wishy-washy about it is, well, who does that?

Oh. That would be me and not just because I’m orally fixated but the logic says that it doesn’t make sense to prefer one over the other when both are so much damned fun to do. I like both. I do both. Eat pussy and suck cock. Kinda makes me the weirdo because I will not and cannot say that I prefer eating pussy over sucking cock… because it’s not the truth for me. And I would learn that the secret to keeping this simple is to not think of this as being two different things because it’s all one thing: It’s having sex. Realizing that, anatomical differences aside, I can do to a man the same thing I can do to a woman: Give them head. Lick it. Suck it. Make them – and myself – feel really damned good.

Good and bad things about both aspects. Occupational hazards and you learn to deal with and adjust to them. I’m sitting here and really trying to think why I would prefer one over the other and it’s not working. I know what I like and don’t like about doing either thing but that doesn’t create a preference for one over the other since, um, it can be fun and not so much and that depends on some… stuff that I may or may not encounter or experience it in the exact same way every time. I do remember the first time someone asked me this specific question and… I got stuck on stupid because I knew, right down to the core of what I am, that I preferred… both. Whichever one I could get my mouth on first and not caring about it.

Doesn’t much matter to me as long as I get to give someone head. I do believe that my oral fixation “erases” the “or” in this question and I’m good with that and, logically and even emotionally, there’s no need for the “or” to be in the equation. Eat that pussy right off her body and do the same thing to his dick. Ravish them. “Abuse” them in that delightful way that, hopefully, will make them cum, orgasm, squirt, or whatever happens when they get shoved over the edge.

And me right along with them. It’s so exciting to do both. I have orgasmed doing both and, yeah, I have busted a nut doing both and without anyone’s “assistance.” Embarrassing the first time that happened but, uh, isn’t eating pussy/sucking dick supposed to be very exciting and pleasing to me as well? The logic said, “Yup…” and my emotions agreed. Eat it. Suck it. Both are good and… I prefer to do both. The logic suggests that I can, in fact and in deed, eat dick and suck pussy… because, um, yeah, that’s what I’m doing.

The oral fixation says, “It’s all good and there’s no need to prefer one over the other.” It’s not so much about what I “feel” like doing but what I can do. I can be sucking dick and thinking about eating pussy and in the reverse. Shit yeah. Gimme, gimme. Let me do it to you like this. That annoying question: If you had to choose between eating pussy or eating dick, which one would you prefer to do and/or which would you do first?

What kind of question is that… and why are you trying to make me choose one over the other? Oh, that would be because our social norms insists that we choose one over the other and, preferably, straight sex over gay sex and then totally overlooking the fact that it’s all… sex. Do I prefer to top or bottom? Yes. What do you mean I have to pick just one when I know that I enjoy both roles? Okay. To the question of cut or uncut, yeah, I had a problem with uncut and it was irrational, and I knew it. I got over it (all late and wrong) so, yeah. Both. And then understanding and remembering that women are all uncut. Well, shit. How can I be weird about sucking a guy who isn’t cut when I habitually eat pussy and knowing that women have… foreskin covering the head of their clit?

But this was part of me eliminating both preferences and that annoying “or” that we just perpetuate because we think it’s two different things and we must choose or prefer one over the other. Where’s the fun in that? And, intelligently, does this make any real sense? To me, it doesn’t make sense because sucking dick/eating pussy isn’t a “take it or leave it” thing for me. The only legitimate “or” is I’m either going to go down on you or I’m not going to and if I don’t, there’s a good reason for it and that includes running into someone who doesn’t like getting head.

And at least in my most humble opinion, the only “or” involved is either you give head both ways or you don’t or at all. I understand preferences and how nitpicky we can get about them and all across the spectrum of having sex. But it begins with preferring to have sex. Cityman and I get into this a lot and, well, he cracks me up at times because he perceives this just like most bi guys do. He prefers to eat pussy over sucking dick, and this makes sense to him because it’s always about what he prefers to do and with whom – male or female – but just now getting to the point where he’s understanding that it’s really both that is preferred because he does like and enjoy giving head and, yeah, he really cracks me up when he talks about how much he now loves sucking dick and sucking the guy off. But he still thinks in terms of it being men or women and, well, he’s a smart guy – he’ll figure it out and see the sense of eliminating that “or” out of the way he thinks about sex and giving head.

Some people figure this out and see how “or” doesn’t make a lot of sense. Most people are stuck in place because “or” makes them choose between one or the other and preferring one over the other. My protege gets to talking about preferences and I still think he’s… baffled that I don’t have any because I’ve seen the fallacy in having them and sticking to them and making them not subject to change. I prefer to give head. Doesn’t matter if I’m going down on a woman or a man. I prefer both. I love both. Nothing else really makes sense, well, it doesn’t make sense to me.

I read the latest responses to the poll/topic and the fellas are all into that which they prefer over the other and getting all nitpicky about why they prefer one over the other and a lot of other stuff that, I think, doesn’t allow them to be more focused on the big picture which, in this, is eating pussy and sucking dick. True enough, not all men eat pussy and don’t even think about asking them to suck a dick… because it’s not what they prefer to do. A lot of focus on what one’s likes to do and not so much on what can be done provided one can get out of the box they’ve stuck themselves in.

I’d never say that no one should have preferences. I do ask, “Why do you let your preferences limit the sexual fun you could be having?” and… how dare I questions someone’s right to want what they want and in the exact way they want it. Hmm. I’ve been seeing this all of my life and, as such, I’ve always pondered this and seeing how that “being straight or gay” thing plays into this “or” mindset that a lot of bisexuals seem to be ensconced in.

I find it… curious. Even being bisexual, we’re into that “picking a side” thing that people keep telling us we have to do and what bisexuality just destroys. It’s… curious. You can point this out to someone and, yup, it’s “Yeah, but…” time. What is preferred. Choosing one over the other and it is implied that you either like eating pussy more or you like sucking dick more and saying that you unconditionally like doing both is like, dude – what’s wrong with you?

Sighing. Yeah, I know what the deal is. It all serves to teach me some stuff about how other bisexuals think and why they do stuff like asking if you prefer to eat pussy or suck dick when the question should be do you prefer to eat pussy and dick and as opposed to not liking to do either thing. People make bisexuality interesting. You can eat pussy but not suck dick. You can suck dick but not eat pussy. Not a problem and, yes, preference. But if you do both – and a lot of us do – is there really a need to prefer one over the other? Apparently, there is and to me, it speaks to how we think about this aspect of having sex.

See ya tomorrow.

 
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Posted by on 18 September 2022 in Today's Bisexual Thoughts

 

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Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: 16 September 22

I’m talking to my protege, who hit me up to tell me about the 22-year-old he was talking to and was going to have sex with and even hit me with a #cradlerobbing thingy while talking about how young this guy was but he also seemed to be quite mature.

I asked him what difference does it make if the guy’s 22… and should it make a difference? He correctly said that it doesn’t – and shouldn’t – make a difference but I could tell by his messages that he was… uncomfortable about having sex with a guy when he’s old enough to be the dude’s father which, um, didn’t stop them from having sex just the same.

Male bisexuality is rife with ageism. You have young male bisexuals looking for older men; you have older bisexuals looking for younger men (does that make them cougars?) and in between these two extremes, you have guys who are just funny about how old you are. The thing that gets me whenever my protege gets to talking about this is knowing that he prefers… older men and men who are my age over guys who are his age and younger.

I still remember a guy who was two years older than me rejecting me because I was two years younger. Yeah, preferences. I get it and by getting it, I saw how preferences can be quite the deterrent when one is looking for a guy to have sex with. Young guys – in the 18 to 25-or-so range – tend to get a bad rep for not being mature and there’s some truth to this but I know guys my age who lack maturity so is this really that big of a deal and like so many say it is? Is it not enough that a 22-year-old man is legally old enough to consent to sex and if he’s consenting to it, he must be mature enough to know what he’s getting himself into? Apparently not and I very much remember not getting respected for my maturity until I was like 35 or so and because it was presumed that even though I was 21, I lacked maturity… which I didn’t but this is eye of the beholder kind of stuff.

I understand how generational differences can impact things where commonality goes. Other than being on the hunt for dick, it’s nice and all that to have other things in common with the men you’re hunting or who are hunting you and it is “universally assumed” that, say, me being 66 and there’s some 20-year-old buck who’s interested in me – or me in him – that we have nothing in common and, oh, yeah, he’s a maturity risk… and conveniently forgetting that I used to be 20. Or is this really a thing of some folks not wanting to be bothered to find other commonalities that just might reveal that the 20-year-old is, indeed, mature and will behave like he’s got some sense?

I remember being 18 or 19 and talking to a 30-year-old who was insisting that (a) I was immature and (b) I had no idea what I was doing and totally overlooking the fact that (1) I was married and (2) raising my children and (3) what did any of that have to do with my ability to suck his dick and like we’d been talking about before he threw down the age discrimination card? He got surly when I reminded him that I’d been sucking dicks a lot longer than he had and as far as experience went, his two years of experience made him a rank rookie in my book.

It had me wondering which one of us really lacked a measure of maturity… and I was sure it wasn’t me. I’d get into my 30s and now I have a “target” on my back and there are 18-year-olds – and younger guys trying to make me believe they were 18 – who were either trying to convince me to bed them or telling me no because, to them, it would be like having sex with their father. To one such young buck, I pointed out to him that, yeah, I am old enough to be your father… but I’m not your father. If I thought there was something about you that I found not to my liking, we wouldn’t be talking about… anything.

But I know what’s up with that school of thought and I get it but the “I” word isn’t what’s going on here but, yeah, young guys get caught up in this and so do older guys and then there’s the “P” word that rides along and, okay, I understand it but one of the things about being mature is knowing some stuff and intelligently understanding that, yeah, I might be old enough to be your father… but unless you know something that I don’t, I’m not your daddy and you’re not one of my children but that doesn’t change the fact that you got my attention like this and not because I have children older than you are.

We get seriously weird about this and it’s not just a sexuality thing. You see a lot of bi guys preferring to be with guys their own age because of commonality more than an issue of maturity and that makes sense when it comes to being able to relate to someone who was born and grew up in the same “era” that you did even though that doesn’t really speak to that sense of compatibility as much as we think it does and should and that’s because we all grow up in different environments that influence us and can do so enough to make commonality a bit iffy and, okay, I get and understand that but it’s like I told a guy who was the same age as I was and he’s going on and on about us not being compatible, “You act like I want to be your boyfriend or marry you – I just want to have sex with you and you’re looking for someone to have sex with and I don’t know what would make us incompatible enough that we couldn’t do what we both said we wanted to do.”

Preferences. Everyone has them and usually a lot of them and usually based upon prior experiences and age is right up there as a very important preference and, indeed, one of my preferences is that you’re legally old enough to consent to have sex. Anything else is open to discussion so we can see what else we might have in common that would make having sex… less weird or whatever.

I reminded my protege that I was in my 40s and I had a 20-something lover… and he was amazing because he was an amazing guy. He had come to me about us doing something because he, at the least, had an idea of what he wanted to do sexually and, importantly, he trusted me not to get all “pervy” with him. We talked about this, and he proved to be mature because he understood what I was saying to him and mature enough to give me some grief when I tried to talk him out of it but I’d told him that he was an adult, so the final decision is his alone to make. He showed maturity in my eyes because he thought about it – and asked other questions – before making the decision to go for it. And he was mature enough to understand that this wasn’t about me or what I wanted to do, and I would be good no matter what he decided.

In my experiences, did that make him an exception? I didn’t think so and more so when just talking to him showed me that he was more mature than guys who were my age and we did have other things in common and as “simple” as the two of us liking the same music and other “mundane” things. He wasn’t the first 20-something I’d been involved with but, yeah, some I would encounter needed to grow up a bit and I didn’t mean age-wise; it was more like, okay, you’re an adult now and you need to get your head into an adult mode of thinking, not about sex so much but being as responsible in your thoughts and actions so that people my age won’t look at you like you’re young and stupid and immature.

And my understanding that a lot of the people who talk down to younger guys like this probably forgot that they used to be that age and especially whatever shit they had to go through because people who were much older than they were saw them as being young, immature, and incapable of making grown up decisions and, well, acting like they’re adults.

Hmm. I know that when I was in my 20s and guys in their 40s and older were trying to have their way with me weren’t all that concerned about my level of maturity but they sure were interested in my youthful sexual energy more than anything else. Some would say, “You’re very mature for a guy your age!” and it was all I could do not to get insulted because, yeah, I am mature and even when growing up, I was being told that I was too mature for my age and I needed to slow down and not grow up quickly when given all that was going on in my life, I had to grow up and be mature and my parents and grandparents pretty much insisted on it because I was the oldest child and grandchild and, yeah, that kind of peer pressure.

And the sex I was having with guys also played into that growing up and being mature process. That was me at 20… but not all 20-year-old were like me, but I wasn’t the only one. We assume some shit without “verifying” if our assumptions are correct. Like, it has always been assumed that children younger than 16 have no idea what sex is, how to do it, or how it can go wrong and… there’s often a lot of shock and surprise to find that, say, 11-year-old “Tommy” has been having sex with girls or, gasp, having sex with his male friends and has been for “a while.” This is one of those things I hear some guys say when they get into having sex around that age and insist that they didn’t know what they were doing… but they were doing it and even then, if they really didn’t know about sex, they were learning about it and they learned quickly.

One of the parts of the definition of maturity is experience and then being able to process decisions based upon experiences. Which makes sense but part of that definition is also about personality and, well, now we get into needing something for the headache that’s sure to show up because one’s personality is also based on that which they’ve experienced, what they’re learning, the environment in which they’re in, so on and so forth. It’s all in how you express and present yourself, how you are as a person as well as how your thought processes work out in your head and, yeah, how you interact with others and a lot of other headache-producing stuff.

Did the 22-year-old make a mature decision about (1) hitting on my protege, (2) wanting to have sex with him and, ultimately (3) having sex with him? I would say that he did, but I think that, in these things, we tend to expect others to be our idea of being mature and if they’re not behaving like we are, well, that’s a problem, isn’t it? A lack of maturity and all that stuff? And, again, conveniently forgetting that we used to be that age and there were people who looked at us as not being as mature as they believed themselves to be.

The next day, I sent my protege a one-word message: “And?” He responded and told me that, yes, they got into some heavy oral sex and, yes, it was good but he went on to say that the guy wasn’t much of a conversationalist and even thought because he was high on something – and I don’t know why he tends to assume this and I do get on him for doing this and more so when he can’t prove it and, well, he’s still a work in progress. At the end of the day, did this guy’s maturity or presumed lack thereof – and because of his age and the 20-plus-years difference between their ages – really matter when it came to them sucking each other off?

I would say no… and there are those who would disagree with me. I would say that the guy made a mature and grown-up decision in this and based on whatever his experiences influenced his decision-making processes. Yeah, some 20-somethings can be a pain in the ass but, then again, we expect those legal adults to behave like they have the same level of life experiences as, say, I do… and I don’t know how that can even work and simply because I’ve been alive longer and, as such, I’ve had a lot of experiences and experiences that aren’t all that related to having sex – but then again, I learned about this before I was a teenager but not everyone does but… that’s not really the point. We are all aware of the social stuff around differing ages. We don’t say… nice things about female cougars or, really, anyone who is perceived to be robbing the cradle, right? And, if you care to look at some history, cradle robbing was a thing because young girls could be fertile a lot longer than older women and younger guys, well, if nothing else, they had hormone-driven enthusiasm and stamina that older men might not have had a whole lot of us. Or young, dumb, and full of cum.

Like, one of the things that cropped up when I was growing up was someone asking how old you were and the answer was, “Old enough to fuck without getting stuck!” And, um, yeah, getting stuck kinda tended to happen sometimes but that’s not the point – but someone answering the “how old are you” question like this is the point. An immature response? Yeah, I’ll say that it was but what might get “missed” in this wise-cracking kind of answer is that the person saying it knew about fucking and, yeah, maybe some getting stuck in there happened to them and finding out how to get unstuck. Was it being immature on the whole? That depended on who you were talking to, but you can bet anything you care to that the adults around us would say that we were immature and just not grown up enough to responsibly have sex, let alone know anything about it but, I would think, totally overlooking the fact that having sex is an experience that very much plays into one’s experiences and personality and, as such, their idea of being mature but, in the eyes of someone much older, nah, they ain’t all that mature…

And like many of the adults learned about me, I was too mature for their liking, and I figured that, okay, if they’re telling me this and telling me not to be in a rush to grown up, maybe I’m more mature than I think I am. I may not have had a whole lot in the experience department, but I had experiences, and I was learning… stuff and stuff that, again, wasn’t related to having sex because one of the things that constantly got hammered into my head was that I had to learn how to be an adult and that meant doing certain things in a certain way as well as thinking in those certain ways because I wasn’t going to stay a child “forever.” That whole “this is what being a man means” stuff was… insidious and quite stressful being made to do “grown up stuff” when being on your way to growing up and being mature was something that you had “no choice” in.

All well and good. Like, one of the things I remember is being told not to get involved with someone who was more than five years older than I was and, as adults back then tended to do, they didn’t tell me why. Or don’t get involved with someone who was younger than I was; just stick to people your own age which, literally, I thought was somewhat hard to do because the guys and gals I was growing up with were either a year or more younger or older or days, months, weeks, whatever. Being warned to stay away from teenagers but, again, not being told why other than if you didn’t, you could get into a lot of trouble… and whatever that meant.

And… we carry stuff like this forward into adulthood. Remember the guy I told you about earlier who said that if we had sex, he felt it would be like having sex with his father? Well, he made both the adult and mature decision to go for it… and found out that, nope, definitely not your daddy and he comported himself in a very mature way… but I knew he would because his personality told me as much. I know he had “visions” of both the “I” and “P” words and I get it. But it wasn’t like that, and I would say that he became… more mature to understand the differences between predation and just being interesting – and old enough – to have sex with. As far as experience went, he most certainly knew how to suck a dick and with a great deal of skill – and a level of skill that I’ve sometimes not seen in people my age or older.

But it’s not about that. It’s about the perception that being too young or too old is a… problem. In actuality, it’s only a problem if (a) you believe it is and/or (b) it proves to be a problem. Do some younger folks not have “great emotional control” of themselves? Sure… and I’ve seen this in people my age and older so what, if anything, does this really mean? Any deficiencies in emotional control are seen as immaturity but for me to “expect” a 20-something to have the same emotional control that I had to learn to master is… kinda ridiculous and unrealistic. But that’s why, in this age-difference situation, you don’t assume anything, and you engage the younger person in conversation to see where their head is so that you can determine if they meet your idea of what being mature means. Or are they going to be cool, adult and mature about this or are they gonna be a major pain in your ass.

Maturity is defined. There’s a… standard of behavior involved that must be attained and is a part of growing up. We all have our own idea of what being mature means both for ourselves and for those around us and we all do not see this the exact same way. I know younger folks who have a more mature attitude about bisexuality than those who are much older than they are. There are times when my protege will tell me about “some young kid” hitting on him, and I’ll say something along the lines of okay – whatcha gonna do? And he’s assuming that the “young kid” is going to be a problem because he’s presumed to not be mature and, well, that’s something that always remains to be seen; that “young kid” has to prove that he’s mature but, then again, there’s his idea of this and then there’s my protege’s idea of this and the twain is having a problem meeting.

He’s asked me if that “young kid” was hitting on me, would I have sex with him? And I’ve said that I would and as long as he wasn’t my idea of an asshole. I know some young guys can behave in a way that no one would say they were being mature… but it’s presumptuous to assume that they’re all immature and by whatever standard we care to use to determine this.

And, yeah, you know I pointed out that he prefers men who are old enough to be his daddy. And he says, “Yeah, you’re right…” What’s the difference here? I would say that since having sex with someone twenty years younger than he is and thinking that there’s something wrong with that presents a certain lack of maturity all by itself and is quite hypocritical given his preference for older men… and like that 22-year-old may or may not have had but “simply” a matter of being mature enough to be able to make the decision that having sex with my boy was something he was very interested in and, apparently, he was.

I think this whole age thing is funny and, sometimes, not in a humorous way. Life experiences very much play into maturity but what can be unknown is what life experiences this 22-year-old may have had that made my protege deem him mature enough to have sex with but paying lip-service to the fact that some cradle robbing was about to happen. Methinks that if you’re a legal adult, your “cradle” days are over and done with. It gets down to some brass tacks. Like, okay; I’m 66 and there’s a 30-year-old that’s got my attention and in a sexual way. He’s clearly old enough to consent. Is he mature? That remains to be seen and, yeah, based on whatever metric I’m using to determine that and, no, don’t even think about asking me about it because I couldn’t tell you but there is a metric and one rooted in their personality and what and how they think about… stuff.

And it’s not like I want to marry the guy or we’re gonna have a relationship; I want to suck him off and he’s said that he’s very interested in the same thing. Okay. Satisfy my three requirements. What I know that some young buck doesn’t know is that a lot of men that I can come into contact with for sex cannot pass the third requirements: Don’t be my idea of an asshole and, yeah, that includes being immature about it in any way. Not having your head in a place that feels right to me, oh, like, those guys who are of a mind that making me their bitch is the way this is supposed to work or some guys, shit, some guys you can just tell that they’re going to be a problem just by the way the conversation is going. Maybe it’s immaturity or just the way they’re looking at stuff that isn’t the way I’m looking at it, but does that say or imply that I lack maturity?

It could because I know I can be… immature about some stuff because of my personality and “not being serious” all of the damned time and sometimes I’m not all deadly serious about something because… it’s stressful. Life is supposed to be fun and all that and maturity can be seen as knowing when to be serious and when it’s okay not to be serious… and I’m not always that damned serious about stuff but, then again, I’ve learned not to be as I’ve… matured. Hmm. I have a very mature way of looking at sex but if someone doesn’t look at it the “same way” I do, does that mean that they lack maturity and, as such, are unsuitable for sex? No, not really. That’s just me knowing some shit that they don’t know or have no reason or need to know because they’re comfortable with their own perspective and, yeah, being mature enough to have that perspective.

And there’s the reality that I mentioned in last night’s Thoughts: When you’re an adult, you are fair game until proven not to be. To be or not to be requires a level of maturity. Being able to make decisions based upon what which one has learned. Maturity and commonality really aren’t the same things, are they but being able to take note of things in common is a mature way to look at things. Like, I could run into a 20-year-old drummer and, right off the bat, we have something in common because I’m also a drummer. That has absolutely nothing to do with sex but as more points of commonality are being found, it could head in that direction… and not even. It’s all in how we relate to someone, and we all have our own idea of what this means and how it should work and a lot of other shit that, again, doesn’t have anything to do with having sex but maturity can be seen in how someone thinks about sex… and it’s no secret that we have a very immature way of looking at sex and even among people who are the same age or close enough for government work and even that depends on one’s experiences and how those experiences have influenced their personality as well as how they make decisions in these things.

Maybe me and that 20-year-old drummer find that we have bisexuality in common. Doesn’t mean we’re now gonna hop into the sack because from where I’m sitting – and if that even crossed my mind – he still has to be able to pass that third criteria: Not being my idea of an asshole. We tend to equate immaturity with being clueless when there’s a “great” difference in age but what’s really going on is that the younger person doesn’t have the life experiences someone that much older than they are has… but that doesn’t necessarily mean that the older person is “more mature” but could be simply by comparison but that’s a mistake we all tend to make until we learn differently – and we’re mature enough to accept that, hey, that young kid really does have their head screwed on right! Or they don’t and according to how we look at such things.

My boy had sex with the “kid.” They had fun doing what they wanted to do. No harm was caused, and no danger was perceived or manifested itself. My protege deemed him to be very mature “for his age” and, well, that. What determines the age when someone is deemed to be mature? Sixteen? Eighteen? Thirty-seven? Can I legitimately say that someone twenty or thirty years younger than I am aren’t as mature as I am? Well, that remains to be seen. Immaturity, I think, cannot be assumed and as we tend to do and, yeah, I made this mistake a couple of times… and was mature enough to realize that I’d made a mistake and then mature enough to correct it.

I’m ten years old and adults are telling me that I’m too mature for my age and I have no idea what they’re talking about because I’m just being… myself. I was a really smart kid and I knew… stuff and a lot of stuff because – and get this – because I was encouraged to read. Encouraged to ask questions about something I didn’t know except, um, there were a lot of questions that those I’d ask weren’t of a mind to provide an answer to, but I knew I could find them, and I did and did that play into adults thinking that I was too mature for my age? Probably. And the stuff I was learning influenced my personality. Made me experience stuff in the learning of things and not just about sex but that, too, played into my being “too mature for my age” but I didn’t figure that one out until I was much older and, yeah, being able to do that speaks to a level of maturity… doesn’t it?

It’s not about what you know or don’t know as it is how you carry yourself as a person and in a lot of differing aspects and, yeah, sex is one of them. Why would I assume that a 20-year-old doesn’t know anything about having sex with men when I knew about it way before I was a 20-year-old myself? Is that a maturity thing… or just a matter of things learned via experience or other ways. Or maybe how I… present myself because of the life experiences gained and how I process it so that I can make decisions – and make them in the way my elders expected and demanded I be able to do?

So much sighing. I admit that my protege makes me get that look on my face when he gets to talking about maturity in someone and no matter if they’re younger or older than he is. I’m not saying that maturity has no meaning in the grand scheme of things but I often question the way we look at this because, again, I know a lot of young people who are a more mature than people I know who my age are and older. There’s maturity and then there’s naivety and that’s a whole different thing and I know people who are both mature and naive about some stuff… but that’s to be expected because we all don’t learn the same things in the same way and if we learn – or even know – about them.

It’s just that when one becomes a legal adult and, really, before that landmark moment, we are expected to have, maintain, and display a level of maturity as we grow up. Some do and some, well, let’s say that they skipped that class or weren’t paying attention or that’s just not the way they are as a person and as far as they’re concerned, they are, in fact, mature and even if someone else doesn’t think and, importantly, cannot prove that we’re not up to the social and even psychological standards of being mature.

Hmm. How mature do you have to be to want to suck a guy’s dick? Or to have sex, period? I know that a lot of people didn’t deem me to be mature until I was 35 but prior to this? I was just a “kid” who didn’t know anything and deemed to be immature. How insulting! And then… how to you prove that you’re as mature as you believe yourself to be? Is it what you do… or is it what you know about whatever you’re doing?

I don’t know. Well, maybe I do and it’s one of those eyes of the beholder things because my experiences have all too often shown that someone way younger than myself can be quite mature and someone way older than I am? Eh, not so much. And if it’s just and only about having sex, does maturity really make that much of a difference when there’s a big difference in age? Yeah, it seems to make one and that’s probably just the way it is because it’s the way it’s always been and as far as I know. It’s not about what I prefer but, just for myself, having the maturity to understand that having a long laundry list of preferences may or may not get me what I want and when it’s sex that I want and understanding that anything more than that is… gravy and the gravy comes with finding and establishing plots of common ground upon which we can both stand upon – and being mature enough to know that we can and should do this and even if that’s just the two of us maturely deciding to go somewhere and slaking our respective lusts upon each other.

Because being older or younger doesn’t always equate to being mature. It’s what you think; it’s how you behave; it’s what you do and even what you don’t or won’t do. It’s how you go about… being the person you are, and we all don’t behave as expected by social standards or even the psychological ones… because we all don’t “human” the same way. Like I read or heard it said, if we were all the same, that would be pretty boring. Some folks are more mature than others. Duh. It’s something that we learn and it’s a goal that we are expected to reach. Some of us reach it before it’s expected and… some of us are way past that point and, according to standards, never really behave as mature adults.

Welcome to what it means to be human and this thing we call life. That 22-year-old guy “obviously” thought that he was mature enough to hit on my protege for the sex he wanted to experience with him and, yeah, maybe “just because” my protege happened to be old enough to be his daddy and even under the premises that experience leads to more maturity.

Hmm. We discriminate because of age. We cite a presumed lack of maturity because of their age and, well, we just do this when maybe we shouldn’t. I had to learn not to be this way… and wasn’t that mature of me? Hmm.

 
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Posted by on 16 September 2022 in Today's Bisexual Thoughts

 

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Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: 15 September 22

A lot of my bisexuality takes place in my head. From sex to other related things. Who. What. When and where. A constant litany that’s been inside my head from the beginning. Boy or girl? Pussy or dick? Both? What if I get caught? What if someone finds out that I’m like this? What am I going to do? What would I do? How do I feel? What else might I wind up thinking about?

It’s like being stuck in a loop and one that… stuff gets added to. What are other people thinking, saying, or doing? Damn, that guy has a nice print in his pants; if he asked me to suck him, would I say yes or no? That woman is pretty; I like the shape of her body, the way she moves and what would it be like to have her and, yeah, that guy with the nice print, too?

And right along with the other stuff that’s related to my bisexuality that I can, in fact, hear, see, and feel. Impressions. Memories galore. That constant… pressure to have sex that runs underneath all of my thoughts and then all kinds of indescribable thoughts and feelings connected to that, too. That guy over there is looking at me like I’m something good to eat; I am something good to eat! That other guy is watching the guy staring at me and now he’s staring at me and I can tell he’s trying to figure out why I’m being stared at. What is he thinking? Do I give a fuck about it? Should I? I’m hungry and it’s not food that I want but, in a way, sucking dick and eating pussy is feeding a need that has little to do with real food and isn’t that funny? I’d love to cum right about now but, nah, not right now but, sure, right now would be nice and when was the last time you got fucked and that’s so nice but I hate cleaning up after the fact but there’s a reason why they say sex is dirty and sometimes it’s literally dirty and, hmm, I can still smell my wife’s pussy and I love how her scent lingers in my nose and sometimes I can taste her and what about those tactile memories when I can feel her clit in my mouth or do you remember that time where you sucked that dude off and you could feel his dick pulsing in your mouth two days later? Yeah, his cum didn’t taste all that great – he really needs to lay off the salt and that cheap booze, too. And, what about…

And, of course, all of this on top of all of the thoughts I have as I go about my day and as I’ve done every day of my life. And being totally aware of what’s going on in my head and this is where it gets kinda weird because I know what’s going on there that’s related to my bisexuality… but I don’t think about being bisexual. It’s… background noise but, at the same time, it isn’t. Sometimes, I’ve had someone ask me if I think about being bisexual and I tell them that I do… and I don’t. What am I thinking about? Everything and nothing or, really, nothing that I can put into words although I try to but now I’m thinking about how to explain something to someone who may or may not understand what I’m thinking about and… which pocket do I have my keys in?

I have a lot of thoughts about bisexuality and the way I’m bisexual… but I don’t think about it. It’s just… there. It’s been a part of me for so long that, well, it’s a part of me. I’ve been asked how I decide who to have sex with and while I understand the question – even if I might not know why they’re asking the question – but let’s write a note to remind me to ask them in a moment – I tell them that I probably couldn’t really explain that even though I am 100% aware of the constantly running decision process connected with this. Let it suffice that I don’t just use or let my eyes make decisions… and do you remember that time when you did do that and, whew, was that something or what?

Does being bisexual bother me? No, and I don’t know why some people have asked me this but then again, I do know but do I look like it bothers me? I need to pee. Oh, that’s right – we’re having spaghetti for dinner. Do I like guys the same way I like girls? No – what kind of question is that and why do people keep asking me this? Oh, yeah, that’s right – they don’t understand what I am and if they could hear me laughing inside my head they might get pissed off, not that I care if they do but it’s not my fault that they don’t know anything other than what they might have heard and even then what they’ve heard is usually about as wrong as anything can get and don’t fuck around and leave the car key in the ignition like you almost did the other day and you wouldn’t have done that if you hadn’t been thinking about how much you really need to eat some pussy but that’s okay because I can do that when I get home and I gotta remember to take that box out and make sure there’s no cats in it this time…

Someone said, “Being inside your head must be interesting!” and I said, “You have no idea.” I’ve talked to others who see bisexuality as being two different things and, in my head, I know why they do but I can’t remember if I ever really thought of it as two different things even though, in a way, it is two different things because men are different from women (duh) but if you can do something to a woman, you can do it to a man and that’s if he doesn’t mind but sometimes they do mind because guys can be really funny about some shit and like that one guy almost freaked out because he thought I was going to kiss him and acted all weird when I started sucking on his neck and I wouldn’t kiss him because a lot of guys really don’t know how to kiss but then again neither do a lot of women like that one girl back in the day who wanted to French kiss and tried to choke me with her tongue and that was funny but I had kissed her brother and that wasn’t all that bad but I liked sucking his dick even more because he was moaning and groaning like his sister did when I was eating her pussy and fucking her and I wonder if he can taste his sister’s pussy on my dick and smell her on my body because I can still smell her and if he gets mad he won’t be after I make him cum but he’s gonna figure out that I did her before we got to doing this and, man, his dick feels so good in my mouth and it might feel good in my ass but I already know he’s not down like that and I’m glad he isn’t but I wish he was because that would feel nice right about now and…

Yeah. Being inside my head is interesting. It’s all one gigantic jumble of a mess that I do manage to keep straight… most of the time. I just cannot remember when all of this became… just one thing. It’s sex and more than sex but a lot of people do think it’s two different things but I know that it isn’t and why do people hear “I’m bisexual” but what they think is I just said, “I’m gay!” when I know I’m not and I wouldn’t want to be but, wow, wouldn’t that be interesting or what but, nah, that’s not my idea of a fun way to be and why have so many gay dude get pissed because I wouldn’t give up women and pussy for them but I know why and I don’t know why people can’t see this the way I see it but I know why they don’t and why they can’t and…

Interesting. A constantly running “thing” inside my head from sex to things non-sexual to all this social crap being said today and it’s a shame that people don’t understand that bisexuality is just as real as being straight and gay is and yeah, I remember that guy who said that he was totally straight and there wasn’t a damned thing I could do for him but he let me suck him off and, yeah, he was singing a different tune, wasn’t he because he found out that there was something I could do for him and wasn’t it hilarious that he wanted me to do it again and even asked me if he sucked my dick, did that mean he was gay and me telling him that no, it doesn’t mean anything other than you now wanting to do to me what I just got done doing to you and I’m about to do it again and after I get done with you, which one of the women are home right now so I can do them but it doesn’t matter because they’re both a lot of fun to have sex with and…

Yeah. Stuff like this. Every. Single. Moment. Of. Every. Single. Day. And when was the last time I defragged my hard drive? Someone had asked me if there was ever a time when I wasn’t thinking the way I think and I said, “That would be all those times I’d been put to sleep for surgery or whatever; otherwise, there isn’t a time when I’m not thinking about this but, at the same time, I’m not really thinking about it because there’s no need to really think about it.”

I don’t think about breathing unless my nose gets stuffed up and isn’t it weird how I can suck dick and eat pussy and my nose always gets stuffed up and jeez what a fucking pain in the ass but okay I’m used to it and I can keep right on doing what I’m doing and I so very much love doing it and I can do this all day, every day and if they want to get me off that would work, too, but, eh, I’m good but yeah, whew, busting a nut would be nice right about now but I’d rather get them off first and keep getting them off but men and women can be funny about that but sometimes they’re not and man I love giving head but I love getting it too and, huh? Are men better at it than women? Actually, yes and no but you’d have to understand how this can be but it’s not like women are “lousy” at it but there’s some shit connected to this that I know about but I don’t have the time to explain it the way it needs to be explained because my balls are itching and I need to scratch them and I’d rather not do it with all these people watching me but fuck them – my balls itch and I’m gonna scratch them and what’s on TV tonight?

It is just as much a part of me as everything else is. It’s sex and it isn’t. It’s everything I’ve ever learned and experienced and why are you asking me what I fantasize about when I know that if there was something I did fantasize about, I was lucky enough to make the fantasy a reality and, yes, I’ve had sex with a man and a woman in a threesome and I’ve done it so many times that I probably know some shit about it that you don’t and how many dicks have I sucked is a question that I know the answer to but if you’re asking me to be numerical about it let it suffice to say that it’s in the triple digits and wouldn’t they be shocked if I told them that I’ve probably sucked more dick than a lot of women I know have and yes, I do swallow but why wouldn’t I but then again I know that if there’s something sexual that I haven’t done, it’s because I didn’t want to do it… but I probably know about it and why are people so damned weird about bisexuals and bisexuality but I know why and it’s not my fault that they don’t know like I do but if they really wanted to know…

I sometimes think that if I wasn’t already inside my own head, I wouldn’t want to be there. I am aware of the fact that I’m thinking about stuff but not really thinking about it and sometimes I’m thinking about some aspect of this and I’m not really aware that I am because being bisexual is… background noise. A whole lot of noise but, yeah, it’s just there. There is no telling what might be going on in my head at any given time like, right now, I’m thinking about sucking a guy’s balls and there’s a part of my thoughts that’s wondering why I’m thinking this but the answer is way down deep in there and, oh, well, it just is what it is… and what it’s always been since I found out that getting some dick wasn’t as bad as everyone said it was.

The constant litany that is constantly reminding me that it’s not two different things; it’s all one thing and the differences that I see and hear other people putting into this aren’t really differences at all but they don’t know this but I do and it’s a goddamned shame that we are so childish and prudish about sex and sexuality that we cannot see that this is just us being human in a way that’s always been a human thing for us and our morality in this is a joke and it’s not even a funny one and I can’t be the only one who knows this but I know that I’m not but this is why I have, over all the years that I’ve been blogging, written about this and have done my best to share all of this shit that just keeps flowing through my mind.

Every damned day. It’s background noise. It’s just… stuff that I know and like I know music or how I can take my computer apart and put it back together again or, really, anything else I know how to do and what I’ve learned or otherwise experienced or observed. Okay, yeah. I’m a guy. I have an acute, chronic, and incurable case of sex on the brain. And that’s not a bad thing and I do remember that time I was talking to a woman about being bisexual and telling her that the difference between myself, a straight dude and a gay one is that I’m not all that picky about who I have sex with and seeing that she didn’t quite understand the way I answered her question about who I prefer to have sex with and in that annoying way people have always asked if I had to choose between a woman and a man which one would I choose and if they understood bisexuality like I do they’d already know the answer: I’d choose both because I have chosen both and which one would I want first is another question I’ve gotten tired of hearing and answering but let it suffice to say that, honestly, it doesn’t matter which one I get to first because I know I’d take the pussy first but I sure as fuck wouldn’t say no or ignore the dick.

And then, after we had sex, her saying that I sure as hell didn’t make love like I was gay and me saying that there’s no way that I could do that because, duh, I’m not gay and I make love just like any guy would but it’s just weird that people think this way and they do because they can’t, don’t or won’t see that it’s all the same thing and the only difference – which isn’t that much of a difference – is whether the person I’m slaking lust with is male or female because it’s still sex since this is the thing that people tend to pay attention to more than the other aspects of bisexuality that have nothing to do with sex and I don’t know why so many people think that sex isn’t that important because I know for a fact that it is and just like I know why so many people think it’s not that important and…

Yeah, I do tell folks to stay out of my head because chances are seriously good that they’re not gonna like what they might find in there or yeah, don’t ask me any questions you really don’t want to know the answers to and depending on what’s going on in my head at this moment, there’s no telling what’s gonna come out of there and, nope, sometimes, I don’t know. I really don’t like upsetting someone’s apple cart but sometimes I get a kick out of doing it because they need to have their apple cart upset and turned into a pile of splinters because granddad was right when he said that is you really don’t want to know, don’t ask and how many people have said that they really wanted to know why I am the way I am and then found out that they really didn’t and no more apple cart for them.

Because I see all of this with a clarity that a lot of people just can’t. Sometimes I wish I couldn’t see it, that I could be “like everyone else” and be of a single mind about sex and sexuality but if wishes were horses, we’d all be riding but I see the fallacy of being of a single mind about it and how many people have been totally and completely shocked to find out that what they think about sexuality isn’t their own thoughts but what someone else wanted them to think about it but it sure feels like it’s their own thoughts because that’s just how our minds tend to work.

I say that it’s a jumble of ongoing stuff but it really isn’t. I know what our society and morals don’t want anyone to know. Been there, done that, seen all kinds of stuff and stuff that even makes me say what the fuck but it’s all information that get added to the information that’s already there that allows me to see things… clearly. Without the moral bullshit mucking and smelling everything up. And do you remember that time when that dude said that he knows for a fact that he wouldn’t like a dude sucking his dick and you asked him how he knows this if he’s never had a dude suck him up and all he kept saying that he knows for a fact that he wouldn’t and he didn’t believe in that shit and, yeah, he became a believer because I purposely kept hammering him with “How do you know you wouldn’t like it?” and watching him getting hard in his pants and knowing that I just had to keep “gently” pushing him and he’d give up the dick and he did and he liked it and I felt bad about pushing him like that but on the other hand, nah, I didn’t feel bad at all because he needed to find out that he didn’t know what he thought he knew and that what he believed was some made up bullshit that was designed to control us and our sexual behavior and yeah how’s that been working?

Do I feel guilty about having sex with guys? Not one bit. Why would I? Oh, yeah, I do know why I’m supposed to and, obviously, I don’t feel any guilt or shame because if I did, I wouldn’t have anything to feel guilty about and, yeah, I know some shit about that has nothing to do with our morals and, damn, I gotta go on Prime so I can watch the game tonight and I need another cup of coffee and I gotta look at my calender to see what day I’m supposed to have that damned yearly physical for the insurance company and I don’t know why they just won’t accept the results of my regular yearly physical that I’ve already had and sheesh what a pain in this ass but if she checks my prostate and she probably will – and it’ll be the second time this year, I’m okay with her poking her finger in my butt and tapping on my prostate because, hmm, yeah, that feels pretty good and do you remember the time he – my regular doctor – got to probing around in there because, I dunno, he either couldn’t find my prostate right away or wasn’t sure about what he was feeling but it took longer than the usual one or two seconds it normally takes and he got to poking and prodding in there and my dick was getting nice and hard and that look on his face when I stood up and turn so I could take those cheap-ass tissues from him to get that seriously good lube doctors use out of my hole and he say that I was hard and I was acting like it was no big deal because it wasn’t a big deal but that look on his face was precious just the same and no I don’t feel weird about female doctors poking around in there because I’ve had bigger things in my butt than someone’s finger and…

Yeah, welcome to a taste of what really goes on inside my head. It’s background noise and like a lot of things I think about is. I can write about specific thoughts that sometimes just shows up “out of nowhere” or write about something I saw and stuff like that but in my head? It’s just a part of me and like everything else is. It’s never men or women; it’s always men and women because why the hell not oh yeah I know why the hell not but that’s not my problem and it’s not my fault if they don’t, can’t, or won’t understand how really wonderful being bisexual is and not just because of the sex but that sure as fuck ain’t bad either because it’s supposed to be fun and healthy and 100% normal for us to have sex and even in a way that makes the morally righteous wand to shit themselves but that’s because they continue to believe in some shit that bisexual learn is really a bunch of shit and I need to add a bit more sugar to my next cup of coffee because I’m tasting too much bitterness but that’s okay because it’s coffee and what game was I playing last night and do I want to play it or play something else but yeah whew sucking a dick would be nice right about now and so would eating some pussy and getting all nice and personal with someone because the sexual intimacy is such a joy and even more so when it doesn’t make a difference if the person I’m being intimate with is male or female and why the fuck do they think that gender has anything to do with this but I think I know why and I might try to get it out of my head or maybe I won’t and I’m still not happy that I gotta go on Prime to watch the game but I’m glad I decided to get Prime because it does come in handy and that reminds me that I have to go on Amazon and look for a new belt and that’s right I need a new wallet, too…

And I’ll see y’all tomorrow!

 
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Posted by on 15 September 2022 in Today's Bisexual Thoughts

 

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Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: 14 September 22

“I don’t know why people gotta have sex like that!”

Hmm, let’s see… how many times have I heard this sentiment? To say it’s a lot might be a miscarriage of justice. You can explain to someone why bisexuals have sex the way they do and they get it… and they don’t.

While people who become and who are bisexual have their own reasons for why they are, for those who engage in the sex, it’s just another way to enjoy having sex. That seems to be a big-time, “Duh!” and those who’d make this statement – or put it in the form of a question and definitely when it’s aimed at a guy – well, it has always made me wonder if they really know as much about sex as they say they do. Maybe they do but they’re like a lot of people who insist that it’s not supposed to be like that.

“Why do you let guys suck your dick?” Um, because I like having my dick sucked and I know that girls aren’t the only ones who can do this. Why do I suck dick? Feels good. Cum is kinda tasty. If he’s sucked my dick, why wouldn’t I suck his?

This great disconnect popped into my head after seeing something about Susan Sarandon who, I guess, came out as bi to Jimmy Fallon and on live TV. I would suppose that this admission – and like the other admissions made by someone famous – is spreading like wildfire where, to me, I’m not surprised one bit. I think that because we see homosexual sex as a sin, it’s something that not only cannot be done, but it also cannot be enjoyed by anyone and, yeah, especially men (and that shit it old, tired, and played out and was before I was born). Susan – and just like every celebrity who has come out as bisexual – is just as human as everyone else is; she is just one of many women who have found out that being bisexual ain’t all that bad.

Which is what everyone who is bisexual finds out. While society has fits about what bisexuals do on the homosexual side of the equation, it’s best to pay attention to why someone decides that this is a good – or even the best fit – for them and how they’re going about their life. It’s not really rocket science so it’s not that difficult to understand if you can get religious dogma out of your head long enough to see that bisexuals are like everyone else and in their pursuit of love, sex, relationships, and all of the above.

I still and often sit and shake my head to see how society has yet to be able to see and understand that it being so dead-set against anything that isn’t 100% heterosexual has done nothing to stop anyone from being bisexual. Nothing. Just like all this moral righteousness didn’t do shit to stop people from being homosexual. I ain’t saying that if you can’t beat them, join them but I am saying that those who “don’t believe in that shit” might want to catch up with some stuff and see that while an individual belief – which is within their rights – is all well and good and in that “I’d never do anything like that!” way but, yeah, a lot of people are, from “Everyday Joe and Jane” types of people to the rich and famous.

Then again, it’s pretty much a given that unless a bisexual lets you know that they’re bisexual, you probably won’t ever know that they are. I learned to not discount someone’s instincts – that, “There’s something different about you…” thing I’ve also heard a lot and then they get surprised because they were thinking that the different thing about me is being gay… and it isn’t. And then, “You don’t look like the type!”

In a way, I do… because I look like everyone else you might lay your eyes on and at any given time and in any given place. It’s been my opinion that the world got shook up over bisexuality because they realized that you cannot look at someone and tell that they’re bisexual and, oh, shit, it’s quite possible that someone they know – and even someone close to them – could be bisexual! Society seemed to react as if bisexuals were… axe murderers just waiting to pounce on them and do them in and in horrific fashion and, well, people do tend to act… weird when they’re scared. They also get to behaving some kind of way to find out that everything they thought they knew… isn’t really the truth of things.

I maintain that we have been so anti-homosexual and for as long as we’ve been this way that a lot of people are totally blinded to the fact that we are also – and usually primarily – heterosexual. But all they see is more “gay people.” And let the insanity begin. In a lot of situations, we tend to believe what we see so if you see two people of the same sex being all “cozy” with each other, the automatic assumption is that both of them are gay. They might be and not so much. What bisexuals know is whatever relationship we might be in doesn’t define the sexuality of the whole but, yeah, people believe what they see and if one was bold and daring enough to ask the happy couple if they’re gay, they could be in for quite a shock to find that one person might be gay… or neither person is.

Bisexuality effectively removes the boundaries that we created. For the longest time – and for as long as I can remember – we have insisted that people are either straight or gay and giving a grudging nod to the fact that, duh, there are gay people. As I’ve said hundreds of times, bisexuality takes these beliefs and… kills the shit out of them. It takes the singular notions of both hetero- and homosexual sex and debunks all that we think we know about sex.

It’s some eye-opening shit and even to those who have bisexuality pay them a visit after years or decades of being heterosexual and, yeah, sometimes, homosexual. There are some sexuality experts who have said that humans being monosexual is… not the way we’re supposed to be and not the way we were before the advent of the rules that made us monosexual… and history tends to bear this out and there must be some truth to this because there’s a lot of bisexuals.

A lot. Untold numbers. Could be anyone you know. I’m really not joking when I say that you can be standing next to a bisexual and not know it and if humans are afraid of something, it’s that which they don’t know about and that which they cannot understand… and we do tend to behave badly when faced with things like this. And while a lot of people today are looking at bisexuals as the new evil, there are so many people who have learned – and are about to learn – that, nah, it’s not really all that evil.

Of course, it’s not “100% about sex” but, yeah, if you like sex, why not experience it in the many ways it can be experienced? Oh, yeah, that’s right: You’re not supposed to. You’d better not. Or else. Kinda weird that we can finally admit that having sex is good and healthy for us to do… but insist that sex in the same-sex way of things isn’t. True enough, being bisexual isn’t “for everybody.” Also true is that I have personally heard both men and women say, “It wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be!” Or it was better than they thought. Stuff like that. I reasoned that, comparatively speaking, having the sex is way easier than what it might take to get one’s head in a space that would allow them to have the sex, you know, if they wanted to.

That’s the real “bitch” of bisexuality. Taking everything you’ve ever learned and tossing it so you can learn something else about love, sex, and relationships can be like. Suspending belief and fears. It’s only going to be bad if you believe it’s gonna be. I’ve heard some folks say, “Oh, why the hell not?” and they go for it and, hmm, okay, not bad and, often classically, “It’s not something I’d do all of the time.” Which is fine… because no one does this “all of the time” but when they can do it, they can do it.

And not everyone can get their head around this… but a lot of people are finding that they can and that they have reason to. Do I really care about Susan being bisexual? Nah, not really; she’s bisexual. So are a lot of women and women who aren’t famous movie stars. I grew up with a bunch of them and even married one and I know quite a few more and very personally, too. That I grew up with a bunch of guys who were bisexual, well, I’d say that this is a given and I’ve known a lot of guys who are and, yeah, every so often, I’ve been surprised by a guy who I thought wasn’t bisexual but, yeah, he is now. Or he wants to be. The devil owns the details because if you don’t know them, something like a guy liking to be screwed in the ass doesn’t make a whole lot of sense and on top of the generally accepted notion that being screwed there is not only a very bad thing but also a very painful one, too.

Not only can it feel good, but it’s also being said that it’s good for our prostate health. Now, a guy doesn’t have to get boned and creamed to take care of this very important thing about us but, yeah, the real thing can be quite nice. I can spend quite a bit of money for a good device that’ll stimulate the shit out of my prostate… but getting a guy to do it with his dick? That’s inexpensive or, like I said to my protege when we were talking about this, it can cost the price of a six-pack of beer and at the very least. Some guys would very much like for you to believe that they’re being screwed by guys for the health of their prostate being the main reason and, well, hmm, they could be telling the truth… but I doubt it since I know that being screwed feels… good. Most of the time. Your results will vary.

Bisexuals can and do find love and relationships on the same-sex side of things. Not supposed to never means that it can’t happen and how many guys do I know who said that such a thing was impossible? A lot of them… and including me. It’s not a “gay thing” – it’s a very human thing and, at least in my opinion, bisexuality proves this. And… it takes the rules of monogamy and just fucks them up and, yeah, they cause a lot of bisexuals a world of grief… and a lot of couples are now saying, “Fuck those rules.” Polyamory is a real thing (and, boy, don’t I know that!) and, again, a lot of experts are saying that before the rules, we were like this, too, even under the auspices of “safety in numbers.”

That it can take a village can have a much deeper meaning. Are bisexuals “automatically” polyamorous? I would say… no but one of the things that fucks up bisexuality is that one person at a time mandate that was imposed upon all of us. I’ve learned that some folks get into polyamory… and discover bisexuality. I’ve seen that one for myself and there’s a… logic that seems to say that if we’re all going to be in this together, let’s all really be in this together and remove yet another boundary and since we’ve already gotten rid of a lot of them in order for all of us to in this together.

I don’t think it’s automatic, but it makes being monogamous… less sensible. And despite the difficulties that can face a bisexual in a relationship, um, people are still discovering that even being bisexual in thought alone is pretty damned liberating but explaining it to a partner who, chances are, doesn’t believe in that shit? I’m not saying that being bisexual isn’t without its own set of problems but, well, people are, have been, and are on the precipice of being bisexual. For whatever reason makes sense to them and, yeah, including the award-winning Susan Sarandon.

I’m still not quite sure why it’s “okay” for someone like Susan to come out to the world about being bisexual and not for, say, the woman across the street from you doing the same thing. Or the guy who cuts your grass or is a co-worker or friend or, yeah, family member. I suspect that the media’s gonna have its usual field day about Susan being bisexual and telling people that she is. She’s probably going to lose some fans but there are, more than likely, a lot more fans who are just okay with Susan coming out as bi… but if their daughter or son did, well, that’s not a good thing.

But a lot of people have been all “not in my backyard” about sexuality. It’s all “fun and games” until you find yourself dealing with a bisexual and one you didn’t know was right in front of your face and living in your home. I say again: Bisexuality isn’t the problem; the problem is all those people who don’t believe that anyone should be and if they’re gonna be anything, be straight and like the good Lord said we’re supposed to be. Which brings up another reason why some people can’t accept bisexuality: The crisis of faith. It’s also a reason why a lot of people find that accepting bisexuality is… easier without going through this crisis and when you consider that man wrote the bible and those who wrote it said that God said this.

Hmm. And we take it on faith that God did say it. But the reality that’s been staring us in the face all along tells a different story about how humans can be. Again, bisexuality isn’t without its problems, and this is a pretty big one… and why a lot of bisexuals – including myself – have come to the conclusion that if God didn’t mean or want for us to be this way, we wouldn’t be this way.

Well, until you get deep into human behavior and find that we can be this way because we’ve always been this way and the rules – and the wrath of God – notwithstanding. Even I’ve said, “If I’m going to hell for being the way I am, I’ll have plenty of company.” I’ve heard some say, “I’m gonna die one of these days anyway so what difference does it make?” And I’ve heard some say, “If I’m supposed to live my life to the fullest, well, this is part of that for me.”

Or, as my protege and I love to say, “Why the hell not?” And an untold number of people – and in the moment I’m writing this and you’re reading it – are asking the same question… and answering it and finding out why there are so many people who are bisexual. Given how it seems that the GOP is trying to rewind everyone back to the 1950s, I suspect there’s going to be a lot of political riffing going on that isn’t just the GOP trying to invalidate gay marriages. We can never go back to the way it used to be; if we are not moving forward, well, if you think things are fucked up now, imagine what it might be like if the GOP has their way and takes us back to the moral values of the 1950s and for all of the people who weren’t born in that time and like I was.

Oh, yeah, that’s right: I was born in the 1950s… and I’m bisexual. I’m not a political animal but I do think that the GOP has lost whatever mind they had because they’re stuck in the past and that’s never a good thing. We must… evolve. This political ideology doesn’t want us to and I’m not saying this because I’m a life-long Democrat: I’m saying it because it has to be said and I have to say it because I knew and learned a long time ago that being bisexual is a part of our evolution as a species and… we must evolve and not devolve. I knew that, one day, a whole lot of people would be bisexual and that made sense given that a lot of people around me were embracing bisexuality and understanding the reality that a lot of people before I was born were bisexual and going as far back as I was capable of understanding at that time.

Or I “saw the future.” Nah, not really but it just stood to reason that if I was like this and there were others who were like me, there would be more. I got “way older” and thought that there will come a day where we won’t be fussing over sexuality and that bisexuals won’t be the ones being looked at as “oddballs” – that would be those who won’t be of a mind to change and are “comfortable” with the way God said things are supposed to be. And I’ve learned that those who fail to change always gets left behind. I learned that change is… inevitable and humans are funny about it. We don’t like change, but we still see the need to change.

And nothing anyone, at any time in our history, has said or done has stopped anyone from being their sexuality of choice and especially if that choice isn’t heterosexual. And, yeah, bisexuals very well might be “born” in that sense but, honestly: Where do you think bisexuals come from? Seriously, how many straight guys have I turned into bisexual guys and in that very personal way? I am beginning to see that the lines we’ve had drawn in the sand are beginning to… blur. If anything is being erased, it’s those three aspects of sexuality: Straight, bi, and gay. The words are… losing their meaning. It sounds crazy that a guy can say that he’s straight… but he has no problems having sex with a guy and still insist that he’s straight. Is there some mindfucking going on here? Yeah, I think there is… but I’m kinda changing my mind about that but more information is needed and it’s out there to be gained.

Good stuff. There are those who will say that morality has gone by the wayside and, yeah, we need to get it back and maybe what’s being seen is now… the new morality. I’m not the only bisexual whose seen the flaws in our morality and as we currently understand it. It’s not wrong… but it isn’t the whole truth and doesn’t – and hasn’t – matched the reality of things and the reality that bisexuals get hit with. It’s either quite disturbing… or the greatest thing ever. In this, the truth sure as hell will set you free and not in a bad way and I’m not the only bisexual who knows this.

Susan Sarandon knows it and now we know that she knows.

 
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Posted by on 14 September 2022 in Today's Bisexual Thoughts

 

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Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: 13 September 22 – The Late Edition!

To somewhat continue from “The Early Edition!” I wrote on my iPad, I was hanging with a guy and we were talking about growing up bisexual, sharing stories and all that and he said that given how active I was, I must’ve gotten a lot of flak from bullies about it and how he’d been singled out as being gay and picked on.

“No, not like the gay kids were getting,” I said.

“How’d you manage to escape that?” he asked.

“Probably because the local bullies didn’t know that I went both ways,” I said. “I didn’t get any real grief until high school and even then, I wasn’t getting it like the gay kids were. Yeah, someone would step to me and say some shit like, “Yo, I heard you was gay!” and I’d be like, “I can’t imagine who told you that lie because I’m not.””

I was telling him about this one guy who saw me kissing a girl between classes and he strolled over and said to her, “You know he’s gay, right?”

Okay – here we go with this shit. Again. Before I could jump in his ass about it, the girl said, “Well, if he’s gay, he sure knows his way around this pussy! You just saying that shit because I ain’t giving you any of it!” Which was pretty much the truth of things, but this was the kind of shit I had to put up with once I got into high school. The guy I was talking to told a sad story of almost always being singled out, picked on, beaten up, and just terrorized by guys and girls alike because they just knew he was gay, and no one was going to tell them anything different.

“People can be so obtuse,” I had said. “I’d gotten to the point where if someone got in my face about it, I’d politely ask them to get the fuck out of my face about it. I do think that my… reputation kept a lot of the assholes from fucking with me; once I got into junior high school, almost everyone knew I was taking judo and karate and picking a fight with me wasn’t a good idea so, yeah, that helped.”

“You were lucky,” he said.

He had also said how he got picked on because he was a chubby kid and, yep, his dick was small and he confirmed (yet again) what I’d saw growing up where a guy like him would be relegated to being the girl and… that was about the size of it. He said that he went along with it because it was the only way he could have sex with guys and he “had to” do that because girls didn’t want anything to do with him.

“Well, how did those bullies even find out about you?” I had asked – and the answer was some guy promised not to tell… and after getting sucked off, ran off to tell everybody he could find that the guy I was talking to was a gay-ass faggot and just sucked his dick.

“It’s amazing that the kids I grew up with were giving me shit about being gay and sucking that clown’s cock… but didn’t say shit to him about him getting a blowjob from a guy,” he had said and, once again, adding to what I’d seen and heard about this in my neck of the woods. “That bullshit was bullshit!”

Indeed, it was. I was telling him that we had guys who’d promise not to tell but they would anyway and the rumors of being gay would spread like wildfire and if you got confronted, you learned to categorically deny any or all allegations of being gay and even if they had you dead to rights. I know a bully had confronted me and threatened to tell my parents that I was gay but, um, if I were to suck his dick, he wouldn’t tell them and especially if I sucked his dick any time he wanted it sucked.

And I said, “Go ahead and tell them; they’re both at home right now.” I knew I was calling his bluff and it had crossed my mind that he just might, in a fit of pique, go tell my parents but it was a chance I was willing to take rather than to be blackmailed like that – and like a lot of guys would have happen to them. I’d have rather been punished by my parents than to give into his demands.

“Man, that was pretty bold of you,” the guy had said when I told him about this. “What if he had ratted you out anyway?”

“My parents would have asked me about it, and I would have lied to them and told them that he told them this lie because I wouldn’t do what he wanted me to do,” I said. “Just thinking about that didn’t make me feel good and I’m glad that I didn’t have to but, still, I wasn’t going to be pressured into doing anything I didn’t want to do and even if my parents were to figure out that I was the one lying to them, I’d take that beating and lecture before I sucked him off.”

If none of us learned anything else, we learned that if we weren’t prepared to defend ourselves against the allegations of being gay, things were not going to go well for you. Society had a seriously major hardon about gay people that makes what I hear today sound like polite bickering. I would see and hear of guys being accused of being gay and getting pummeled by bullies or, yeah, blackmailed into having sex with them and “on demand” or else and there was no telling what “or else” might mean.

If you didn’t stand up for yourself, no one was going to. You just kept your sexuality a closely guarded secret… and you learned how to lie and convincingly so and, yeah, if that didn’t get the target off of you, you’d better know how to run, fight, or both. Even back then, a lot of people didn’t know the difference between a bisexual and a homosexual because all they’d pay attention to was the homosexual parts of things; everyone suspected of not being straight was automatically gay and, again, telling them differently, more often than not, did little to no good.

I got to the point that one would be wise to not ask me to prove that I wasn’t gay… because they weren’t going to like how I’d prove it and I had learned to use my words to fight with and if you thought you were going to give me da bizness about it, yeah, hold my Coke. I would verbally shred those who’d accuse me of being gay and, yep, I’d tell them that I’d go fuck their sister (or their mom) and she’d confirm that there was nothing gay about me – and I also had the will, temper, determination and ability to defend myself once things devolved into a fight.

But most of the time, my words were enough to get the assholes off my back and word just spread that I was one of those guys you didn’t want to fuck with because I was crazy. Still and while I had my share of run-ins with people who hated homosexuals, it wasn’t as bad for me as it was for those kids who were genuinely homosexual and as some of those bullies learned, ya might not want to fuck with them about being gay and especially if the target was another guy.

Some of those idiots just forgot that a gay dude was still a dude. There was that perception that if a guy was gay, then he was “really” a girl since he acted like one and got fucked like one and, yeah – huge mistake on their part. I just got to the point where I wasn’t going to let someone else’s stupidity bother me. Accuse me of being gay? Well, no, I’m not and I don’t care what you heard or what you think you know or who told you that they had sex with me. I go both ways and you’re just pissed that I can do something that you don’t have the balls to do; I’m not the punk – you are.

Telling gay dudes who didn’t like guys like me that, nope, I’m not the one in denial but you are… because you believe some shit that I know isn’t the truth. Sure, we had sex. It was okay, good, damned good, and maybe even holy-shit good. But after we had sex? I went and got me some pussy. I know your tiny mind can’t understand this because, if it could, we wouldn’t be talking about this, and you wouldn’t be all pissed off to really understand that I am not gay nor am I in denial about anything.

And if you choose not to believe me, um, which one of us is in denial? Or, as I told one gay dude who decided to publicly put me on blast, “You didn’t say that last night…” or “My going both ways didn’t seem to bother you when you were sucking my dick and swallowing my cum, did it?” Yeah – you wanna put me on blast? Hold my Coke.

Those confrontations were still rare for me compared to what other bisexuals and true homosexuals were going through. And it wasn’t all that hard to see why people were behaving like this and how… hidebound they could be. I mean, how you gonna say that no one should be homosexual… when there are homosexuals damned near everywhere? And, yeah, how the fuck are you gonna tell me that I can’t be what I know myself to be – and then insist that I’m something that I know I’m not?

I developed a lot of contempt for such people. You wanna be stupid and like everyone else is? Go bother someone else with your stupidity – I ain’t got the time or the patience for it. I got so damned tired of explaining that I’m bisexual and that’s not the same as being homosexual and sometimes pointing out that if you were intelligent and paying attention, you’d notice that the two words aren’t even the same except for the “sexual” part. Dealing with this crap, at one point, had put my mind in a bad place – but not about myself because being around someone who is woefully lacking in their understanding of things tend to do that and, yeah, disturbingly contemptuous toward such people.

I had to understand that it wasn’t really their fault; it’s society’s fault for pitching a bitch about something that humans have been doing for the longest time. I had to… temper my temper. Be the bigger person and understand that these folks were going to believe what they believed and… it wasn’t going to change what I am. Once I got to this point, I was… better toward those who would hate me for being something they couldn’t understand and all because they believed some shit that, obviously, wasn’t true.

If you don’t fuck with me, I won’t fuck with you. Sure, you have the right in this country to say whatever you feel like saying… and I have the right to tell you how stupid and immature you are, and you need to mind your own business and stay the fuck out of mine. And, by the way, if my sexuality insults you, don’t forget that you were the one who started this argument and one I was trying to avoid but, yeah, you wanted to go there… so let’s go there, shall we?

The guy I was talking to said, “Dude, you took a pretty hard stance, didn’t you?”

“I had to because some people don’t understand or respond to niceness, but they understand nastiness,” I said. “If you weren’t willing and able to be nasty in order to defend yourself, well, I’d hate to be you. Bi- and homosexual guys and gals were getting their heads handed to them behind this shit and I wasn’t about to be victimized or terrorized by those idiots so, yeah, that hard stance was a necessity.”

“Shit, I wish I had done that,” he said.

“A lot of bisexuals I knew back then wish they had, too,” I said.

“Did, um, did you get a lot of grief about the size of your dick?” he had asked.

“Of course, I did,” I said with a laugh. “I don’t know of any guys who didn’t get some kind of grief about it. I knew… chubby guys who’d get clowned unmercifully because they didn’t have a big dick and that meant that they weren’t man enough to have sex with and they’d find themselves being the girl if the poor guy needed to get laid. But I think you probably know what that was like.”

“I sure as fuck did,” he said – and I could feel his anger rolling off of him in waves.

“We’re just… stupid about it,” I said. “You either learned to ignore it or you didn’t and if you didn’t, man, I knew guys who wound up being seriously fucked up in the head behind this shit.”

“Kids are some evil motherfuckers, ain’t they?” he asked.

If you were different from “everyone else,” you pretty much had a target painted on you, from the color of your skin right down to your sexuality. You haven’t lived until you have a girl tell you that there’s no way in hell she’s gonna have sex with you… because she doesn’t like your hair or your eyes are brown and not black or you aren’t tall enough, can’t sing or dance and the list goes on and on and on. If you were having sex with guys – and because the girls were turning you down – you had some more shit to deal with, like them wanting and believing that they had the right… to make you their bitch and go-to cum dump and especially if your dick was in anyway smaller than theirs… and even if it was perceived to be by the guy trying to make you his bitch.

Some guys were either okay with that or felt that if they wanted to have sex, this was the only recourse they did… and I wasn’t having any of it, well, once I realized that for some guys, I was their bitch – they just never said it but, yeah, my eagerness to have sex with guys didn’t work in my favor where this was concerned and once I realized it, I got pissed. Not with them but with myself for being a guy’s bitch and not knowing that I was. Nothing to do for it other than being very determined to not be some asshole’s bitch and, yeah – call me a bitch… one more time.

As I was telling the guy about this stuff, I could see how… embarrassed he was feeling and I felt so sorry for him but, again, that was all water under the bridge but still something that had to be reconciled. If the situation could have been different, it would have been but since it wasn’t – you either learned to deal with it or you allow it to keep fucking with you and it’s going to do that in some pretty fucked up ways.

He sighed and so did I. He had said that it was so good to be able to talk about all of this with someone who’d understand it and I agreed with him. I laughed when he said, “Man, if I had grown up with you…!” and all I could do was laught.

“It wasn’t always fun and games for me, but you just learn to make the best of a bad situation and you definitely learned to protect yourself the best way you knew how to,” I said. “I just didn’t have it as bad as a lot of other guys and gals did back in those days and because of the way the world was.”

“We need to be better about this and we just aren’t. Gimme a call if you wanna talk some more,” I said, getting up from the bench we’d been sitting on. I went on my way thinking that, yeah, we do need to be better and being perplexed at how and why we hadn’t figured that out yet.

And seeing that, today, we aren’t any better about it. What a shame…

 
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Posted by on 13 September 2022 in Today's Bisexual Thoughts

 

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