Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: Loyalty

https://acquiescentsoulblog.wordpress.com/2020/04/21/how-can-you-be-loyal-to-your-partner-when-you-want-both/

Acquiescentsoul wrote this because of the question it asks and as asked by someone he knows. I saw it, read it, thought he expressed himself rather nicely on the matter so instead of commenting, I took a big sip of coffee and thought, “Lemme write about that…”

The perception is that bisexuals are disloyal and cheating people with bad commitment issues and as such perceptions go, it’s only partially true – we still are so petty that when we bad mouth something, we always go with the parts that are real and truly fucked up, lump some more stuff/people into it and, with righteous indignation, declare that if one bisexual is like this, they’re all like this.

The truth is that there are a lot of bisexuals who are as bisexual as the day is long… and they are 100% loyal and faithful to their partner and wouldn’t be anything less than that because this isn’t so much about the rules of the game but a matter of honor. There are also a lot of bisexuals who are in alternative relationships which allows their relationship to keep going strong as well as allowing any needs in this regard to be taken care of.

The clueless people never want to hear or talk about anything other than the perception and many won’t even bother to do what I did when I saw the title of the blog, namely, instantly understand that wanting both doesn’t mean you’re gonna get it… or that you want to get it. In a lot of situations, sure – a bisexual might want both but what they usually wind up getting is a lot of headaches due to the frustration over not being able to get what they want because their honor trumps the needs of the flesh for them.

One of the curious things about bisexuality is how it just seemed to not only broaden someone’s horizons regarding sexuality, it also seems to open one’s mind to the possibilities and there’s some “built-in” kind of thing that makes a newly minted bisexual just want to get out there and be all bisexual. The perception is that no bisexual can resist the urge to get all freaky and the sooner, the better; the truth is many do resist the urge and, really and honestly, would rather err on the side of caution and let the urge go unattended lest they wanna find themselves no longer in a relationship and getting lawyers involved.

The thought of stepping outside of the relationship is anathema to them; it can’t be done, it shouldn’t be done and there is no reason in the world that they can justify that will make them break the bond of their relationship. They’d rather deal with the temptation than to push their luck and tempt fate because, as everyone knows, if you do that, only bad things will happen.

Doesn’t mean that these worthy individuals don’t want both; oh, they most certainly do but since they’re not allowed to, they won’t do anything to try and get it. When it comes to relationships, one of the words that comes up is sacrifice or, to quote a line from one of my favorite movies, “The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few… or the one.”

You are expected, required, and demanded to give up that which you might want that just might run counter to the rules of engagement when in any kind of monogamy-based relationship. It makes no difference if by doing so you wind up being in anguish over making such a sacrifice because the needs of the many – the two of you – will and should always outweigh the needs of the few or the one: You, specifically.

One of the other things bisexuals in a relationship winds up discovering is that monogamy sucks and if they didn’t have what I’d call a real notion of what being monogamous means – in the letter and spirit of things – you can bet whatever you care to wager that they understanding better than most. It is, indeed, the absolutely, positively, worse situation for a bisexual to be in, to have this very powerful urge and need churning away inside of them… and there’s nothing they can do about it.

Which, of course, isn’t true because some bisexuals can easily figure out what can be done… if they’re willing to, again, tempt fate and in a way that can be like sticking an arm or a leg into a running wood chipper. And, yes – many would just love to tempt fate and take their chances… and they don’t. They won’t. Not for all the tea in China or all the money in the world because to go back on their word and be seen as dishonest, disloyal and all that just isn’t worth the aggravation.

Just like thinking and doing aren’t the same things, wanting and having aren’t either; we often say that if wishes were horses, beggars would ride or, kind of crudely and as I read in a favorite book, “Want in one hand and piss in the other and see which one gets filled up first…”

Even though there’s a “trend” these days where a lot of people in relationships have figured out that they can retain and maintain their relationship while inviting others to join them in their relational bliss, there remains a great many people who just aren’t gonna do that even when the potential is there and even if doing things like this can be logically inferred to be a better option than just the two of them against the world.

The perception about this is that it’s just about the sex; the truth is that it’s about more than just the sex. The perception that such… arrangements are highly immoral but the truth is that before the advent of the rules prohibiting such arrangements, it’s the way humans use to live and exist. Two people can get some stuff done… but if you get more than two people working toward a common goal, oh, like surviving, well, your chances of doing that becomes better, provided you can get and keep everyone working toward the same goal and the sex, such as it may be, is some pretty tasty gravy.

Things like open relationships and polyamory goes against the rules of any relationship but the fact remains that over all this time – and flying under the radar – such changes and adaptation of the rules have always been going on. I can remember when “hippy communes” were “all the rage” and how many people ranted and raved against the basic premises of a whole lot of people living and working together like a single entity… and sex was handled in a very open manner and gleefully so… and just as it was, again, before the prohibitions were instituted.

Because there were – and probably still are – a lot of cults that operate in a similar way, well, we know that this isn’t a good thing and the truth is that some cults really are as fucked up as they eventually appear to be and since we know this, any… consolidation of people who have decided that “a bunch of us getting together and working toward a common goal” is seen as, well, some seriously fucked up shit and it’s assumed it’s being done in some very heinous ways.

Not in every situation, though, and if you don’t want to believe me, go ask DDJennifer and some of the other bloggers here who have defied the rules of engagement, have created their own rules, and they’re happy and prospering… and having sex like it’s gonna be declared illegal and in as many combinations they care to.

The “holy grail” of bisexuality is not only to be in a relationship and able to get what you want… but if you can convince your partner that this would be a good thing for them, so much the better. Except – and as I’ve written – that’s a lot easier said than done… even if your partner happens to want both but honor, along with the strict adherence to the rules, say that they must sacrifice what they may want for the “good” of the whole.

And even if, in their mind, doing that doesn’t make a whole lot of sense.

Bisexuals may appear to be slaves to their libido but they’re also “slaves” to their beliefs when it comes to relationships and if they believe that doing some sundering goes against their beliefs, they’re not gonna do it and even if, again, the two of them sit down, take stock of their situation, and theorize that if they were to get into something like that, not only would some needs get taken care of – and can pave the way for future and yet unknown needs – if nothing else, if, say, four of them were to work together and pool their resources, yeah, that could work.

I see on the forum where a lot of guys make themselves sit on the bench for the sake of their relationship. They want to get out there and do what they want but not at the expense of their relationship and their personal honor. They won’t cheat, they won’t ask for permission, and they are sacrificing their wants and needs at the alter of monogamy because no matter what, it’s the right, proper, and moral way to do things. For some of those guys, you can’t even get them to agree in theory that there’s another way to do this without trashing the relationship.

Wanting both isn’t really disloyal unless you subscribe to the notion that if you even think about wanting something other than what your partner is willing or able to provide, well, you’re just as wrong and as if you actually did it. People talk about emotional infidelity and they have little or nothing good to say about it because the rules say you cannot do any coveting… except, how do you control what someone is thinking and feeling. As sure as shit is what it is, we do, in fact, try to do just that and often with unseen and deleterious impacts.

I’ve heard people say, “I want (add whatever they want) but, fuck, I know I’ll never be able to get it so what’s the point in wanting it?” Truth is that you always want what you want… doesn’t mean you’re gonna get it and, yeah, sometimes, if you wanna get it, ya might have to, ah, break some rules. The premise behind relationships is two becoming one and at the cost of one’s individuality – the sacrifice everyone knows about. Whatever “you” want doesn’t matter unless what you want is something your partner also wants and if they don’t – and they deny you – well, end of discussion and why are you such a selfish asshole (or cunt)? What about my feelings? What about what I want? Why does shit always have to be about you?

You get the picture and I’m fairly certain that there isn’t anyone who is reading this who hasn’t had this conversation before and no one who hasn’t just thought along these lines. And therein lies the problem for bisexuals – really everyone – and just lends itself to the thought that if someone in the relationship – or, by chance, both participants – want both, they’re being disloyal for wanting both and it’s being assumed that because they want it, they’re gonna do everything in their power to get it and the rules be doubly damned.

It is partially true – some do just that and even by conspiring together to trash some rules. Many don’t. They just will not do it and no matter how much harm comes to them. They sacrifice themselves at the alter of monogamy even when the instinct of self-preservation asks, “What the fuck are you doing? You’re really screwing us up big time!”

We hold true that sacrifices must be made for the good of the whole and if some shit goes badly because the sacrifice as been made, well, that’s just the way it has to be. A great many bisexuals believe this as firmly as they believe the sun rises in the morning and sets in the evening (except in those locales where the sun actually doesn’t do that).

They resist the temptation to get what they want even when they know – and if no one else does – they’re also doing themselves great harm and then harm that they convince themselves isn’t actually happening to them. They get depressed, might turn to doing drugs or drinking in excess; some become irritable, moody, even violent; some retreat into a shell and are diminished in a great many ways while wondering why life is treating them so unfairly.

Being bisexual, by comparison, is stupidly easy; being bisexual in a relationship is anything but. Is it disloyal to want both? No and I don’t particular care if someone disagrees with this. The disloyalty comes when one actually does something about what they want and their relationship cannot give them; it’s just easier for us to think that if someone wants to do something, they’re gonna do it, the selfish, uncaring bastards/bitches. That means they don’t really love me, don’t really want me, I’m not enough for them, so on and so forth… well, until they happen to find themselves in a similar situation where they want something and the rules say that they can’t have it and regardless to how badly they have to have whatever it is.

Whole different story now, huh? The vicious cycle then comes full circle and will keep circling until the people involved do something to stop it… and usually in the form of dissolving the relationship because we all know that this is the only way.

No wonder it’s being said that bisexuals suffer from mental illnesses because, yep, it makes you pretty ill to be in a relationship and want something that the relationship cannot and will not provide and, yep, many bisexuals would rather deal with this than to be disloyal to what it means to be monogamous.

And they’ll deal with this rather than seeing themselves – or being seen – as being without honor.

 

Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: Sexual Fidelity

I got this link in an email last night – https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/gay-and-lesbian-well-being/201102/is-sexual-fidelity-possible-or-even-necessary – and I gave it a read and thought, “Really?  Straight people and bisexuals figured this shit out quite some time ago…”  One of the things my nameless friend (and, yes, I forgot to ask his permission to name him here) and I talk about is bisexuality and monogamy and how our mindsets have to change in order for bisexuals, in particular, to be able to handle their business on the other side while being in a good and loving relationship.

We were recently talking about how gay men “despise” bisexual men because they worry about us cheating on them – and with a woman – and how much better things could be if they could understand what’s really something kinda simple:  Change the Matrix’s rules about monogamy and relationships so that cheating could essentially be eliminated.  Ah, yes, I can hear the hearts of those who are fiercely monogamous going into v-fib all over the blogosphere but as I’ve written quite a few times, it’s not that monogamy can’t work but its premise that one person is expected and required to take care of every need of their partner is unrealistic and, yes, serial monogamists, just because you don’t know of your partner’s “hidden” needs doesn’t mean that they don’t exist, okay?

You can go to a lot of site and see people pondering the question of why people cheat on each other and offering up all manners of suggestions that are supposed to ward off infidelity except the most obvious one:  Change the fucking rules so that you and your partner can be all about each other in this without this blind obedience to the Matrix’s mandate to keep only unto yourself and the seriously unnecessary reason why this was invoked to begin with and, yes, I’m mentioning it again, the conditions that existed when all this shit was created do not exist today… yet, even when we know this, we keep being lemmings and following along with the rest of the group, don’t we?

The Matrix would have you believe that sexual fidelity is mandatory, that “Barb” and “Glen” couldn’t possibly be happy if they were seeing other people or had other people involved in their lives and, yet, there are a lot of couples who are quite happy with such arrangements because they understand a few things that the Matrix would prefer they not understand, like, if you can’t take care of your man or woman, someone else can and will… but instead of this causing all sorts of drama, why not do this in a way where the drama wouldn’t exist?  People cheat for a lot of reasons and, I think, with the thought that it’s better to beg forgiveness than to ask permission… but what if you could ask permission… and what if you got it?

It goes against everything we’ve ever been taught about love, sex, and relationships and we act as if the things we learned about this can’t be changed… but if you vow or otherwise promise each other to be committed to them and the health and growth of the relationship, which thing is the most important:  Obeying the Matrix and pretty much setting yourself up to ultimately fail or making sure that you and your partner are the happiest y’all can be and no matter what it takes to make that happen?  It’s not as if the logic of the situation can’t be understood but emotionally?  I point out yet again that logic and common sense don’t fare well against raw emotion; Barb could logically agree with her man, Glen, that he would be a happier camper in their relationship if he was able to get some dick when he needs it; she could see the logic when he emphatically says to her that even though he needs this – and she sure as hell can’t give it to him – that has nothing to do with his love, desire, or commitment to her and their relationship.  But, emotionally?  Barb’s gonna need some Xanax – lots of Xanax because in her mind – because of what she was taught to believe – Glen should never, ever, want or need anything that she can’t provide nor should he ever give one nanosecond of thought to breaking his word to her and getting what he wants anyway.

She’ll agree to the logic and tell him in no uncertain terms that if he goes out and does this, don’t come back… and is this really necessary and more so when other aspects of the relationship are golden?  Is she all that willing to cut her nose off to spite her face when?  While this actually doesn’t make any sense, all the fans of monogamy will readily say that, yes, she should cut off her nose even though doing so is going to cause her some unrecoverable loss.

My nameless friend gives a real-life example of this via his interactions with his gay FWB.  The FWB has told him on several occasions that, yeah, he wouldn’t mind one bit if they played house and since he knows that my friend is bisexual, sure, if my friend wanted to get some coochie when he needed it, it’s not going to be a problem.  I like this about his FWB but, at least to me, this isn’t anything new but I will say that it’s taken long enough for gay folks to get on the bandwagon that straights and bisexuals have been on for a while; a great many of us figured out that it makes no damned sense to throw the baby out with the bath water, that the dreaded “having your cake and eating it” can actually be a good thing for the individuals involved and the relationship as a whole.

It can be done… but reshaping the face of monogamy isn’t going to easily happen because we cannot logically agree that it needs to change.  Yes, more and more couples – and regardless to sexuality – will find out that, hey, we can do this and still be happy and in love with each other; they might become swingers, have an open relationship, might even dip their toes into the polyamory pool in some way and bring a lover (or two or four) into their fold.  Yep, there are some rules – there has to be rules because as I told my friend last night, humans without order are a train wreck that’s just waiting to happen.  Jeez, I could probably write these rules down in a single blog that, yeah, would also take me days to finish because this is some really complex shit and so deep that it makes being monogamous look easy.  But it can be done and couples will continue to find ways to make it happen.

The article says that we could learn some shit from gay men – and with respect to any gay men reading this, I found that to be pretty damned funny because a lot of bisexual men have successfully negotiated this… freedom way before gay men realized that being monogamous was really for the birds.  But this is, on the whole, a good thing because we need to change the way we have relationships so that we can be as happy as humanly possible in them and without all the roadblocks that monogamy puts in place.  My nameless friend is currently searching for that woman who will not only easily accept his bisexuality but who’d also be open to the prospect of a modified relationship state and one that can benefit the both of them and I do wish him the best of luck in his quest; he has the advantage of living in one of the most sexually diverse cities in the country so he stands a pretty good chance of finding her… but, yeah, if he can’t, there’s the offer his FWB has put on the table, too, which does, in fact, speak to what the referenced article is talking about.

This mindset just isn’t restricted to homosexuals, though, so I had to point this out…

 

Monogamy Isn’t Dead, But…

I was reading this blog – https://polytalkbykitty.wordpress.com/2015/09/28/monogamy-under-the-microscope-cnn-time-and-the-ashley-madison-hack/ – and it was a good one, too, and one that got me thinking about monogamy and the fact that monogamy isn’t dead, but there are more people who are understanding that monogamy just isn’t as fulfilling as it may have been intended to be.  Yeah, that whole Ashley Madison thing was a joke – lots of hypocrisy and infidelity going on there as well as the owners of the site using “dirty tricks” to entice people to pay for membership and in the hope of hooking up with someone who’d be interested in having an affair.

There are a lot of people who think that because there are so many other people “turning away” from monogamy, we’ve become immoral and we’ve lost our way and so much that there’s great fear about the future of our society.  My own thoughts, such as they are, are that there are those of us who are finally realizing that monogamy isn’t all that it’s been hyped up to be and that being monogamous is more of a hinderance when it comes to certain things, namely, the satisfaction of one’s needs and the growing, obvious fact that one person just isn’t capable of handling all of which their partner may want and need which, I’m thinking, is why the tenets of monogamy imply that you shouldn’t have any other wants and needs that don’t include your partner.

Yeah, some people find it easier to cheat than it is to attempt to negotiate for a form of non-monogamy – and understandably so since for some folks, asking for permission to be unfaithful just doesn’t make any sense at all.  Some folks find that there’s a certain… arrogance in play here as well as a great deal of indifference; “I should be all that you ever need and if I’m not, well, too bad, huh?  If you don’t like it, you can always leave… and don’t let the doorknob hit in you in the ass on your way out!”

Some find being monogamous to be severely limiting, not just in the areas of sexual congress but in other areas of personal growth so, as such, some folks find that monogamy is more oppressive than anything else since they’re not allowed to be the person they feel they need to be and are forced to be the person someone else expects them to be.  Still, monogamy isn’t dead, but there are people who are just tired of being put on lockdown, tired of having their wants and needs ignored or suppressed for some greater good that never seems to appear and, yeah, to them, monogamy just doesn’t make a lot of sense these days.   Since humans are some pretty creative animals, we’ve learned that we can have our cake and eat it – and that everyone involved can have fun chowing down on the cake as well by engaging in what’s being called ethical non-monogamy or, as I like to call it, negotiated infidelity.  No matter what you wanna call it, it is quite oddly like being bisexual in that you have the best of both worlds – the stability and security and comfort of being monogamous as well as the sheer thrill of being able to attend to your needs – or the needs of your partner – as required.

Monogamy isn’t dead, but maybe it’s no longer wholly capable of handling the needs of the folks in a relationship.  I was thinking about some of the conversations I’ve had with a fellow WordPress blogger (she knows who she is) on the subject of monogamy and her views on it… and then her response to what is, for me, a simple question:  What if there’s something you need or want that your husband cannot provide for you?  What do you do?  She’s funny in that on the one hand, she contends that she’s never supposed to want anything or anyone other than what her husband can provide… but there are, in fact, some things she needs that there’s no way he can provide.  For my friend – and for countless other people bound by the tenets of monogamy, this is a problem – no, it is a major problem because monogamy demands that in this situation, you are unconditionally assed out and you’re just gonna have to learn to live without whatever it was you wanted that your partner cannot – or, in some cases, will not – provide to ensure your continued happiness in the relationship and, no, sex isn’t the only thing that can fall into this category.

Monogamy isn’t dead, but some folks, as I’ve said, are just tired of being put on lockdown; they’re not allowed to have close opposite sex friends or even close same sex friends; your life, such as it is, it totally and, supposedly, irrevocably in the hands and under the control of the dominant person in the relationship or, kinda simply, you do things in the relationship and in the way they want you to do them or else.  The way some folks approach and interpret monogamy is, plainly, frightening because, in their minds, they own you and the only hopes, dreams, desires, whatever, you are allowed to have are the ones they allow you to have.  They have this “my way or the highway” mentality that, at the end of the day, proves to be so oppressive and suppressive that not only there are thoughts of being non-monogamous to escape this environment, actions are taken toward that end… and what I believe to be the worst thing is that if there’s no action taken – and it’s not taken out of fear – a very nasty sense of resentment will settle onto the relationship and one that will signal the beginning of the end – the relationship will die a slow, terrible, and painful death.

When people are unfaithful, there are many adjectives and epithets used to describe such heinous, immoral behavior like being weak-minded and susceptible to temptation, not being able to commit to the relationship, being a dog, a slut or whore and, well, the list gets longer and nastier; it’s always the fault of the person being unfaithful and while there are some situations where a partner knows that they’re the reason why their partner is being unfaithful (or having thoughts in that direction), I don’t think that anyone ever thinks about the real culprit in any of this:  Monogamy.  They don’t see – or can’t see – that monogamy was designed to accommodate a particular need and in order to accomplish that particular goal, it was necessary to suppress any or all desires that would make the goal unreachable; there’s a reason why we promise, vow, and are expected to keep only unto ourselves, that no man can put asunder, and hanging in there for better or for worse.  For a lot of people, monogamy is a hostile environment and one that’s designed to inhibit some shit even though monogamy is supposed to allow us to grow together… but only in a specified, limited way so, if you’d really care to think about it, monogamy isn’t always what it provides as a state of relationship – it’s what it doesn’t or can’t provide that causes the most problems.

Indeed, we think that the tenets of monogamy are forever sealed in lead, that the rules can never, ever be changed… except, when we’re in a relationship, we’re told that our relationship is only going to be as good as we can make it but, um, didn’t it ever occur to anyone that in order for us to make our relationship as good as we can make it, er, we might have to tweak or even break some rules to make this happen?  In being monogamous, we’re supposed to be of one mind, one heart, and all that good stuff which, depending on how you care to look at it, removes the individuality of the people involved from the equation; you’re expected and required to give up who you are as a person – all your hopes, your dreams, your desires, and even your thoughts – in favor of this supposedly better dynamic.  And, yes, sometimes it works… but not always because, again if you care to look at it, the logic of monogamy is flawed because it really doesn’t leave room or allow for anyone to change anything.  People eventually see this in some way and they think that there’s nothing that can be done about it other than dissolving the relationship and starting over… but that’s not exactly the truth and it’s a truth that, overall, we – society – won’t acknowledge… because we’re not supposed to – we’ve been told not to.

Monogamy isn’t dead, but, yeah, there are a lot of people who are learning, and often the hard way, that monogamy doesn’t always work as advertised; if you need something that your partner cannot or will not provide, you are fucked and not in a good way and if you don’t like it, well, all you can do is not like it – or hit the road which is something, oddly enough, isn’t really an option for a lot of folks.  So, um, if you have wants and needs that your partner can’t or won’t provide for your continued well-being and finding yourself being single again just ain’t gonna work for you, then what do you do?  It’s an obvious and proven fact that there are some people who will not choose to do nothing about this situation… but they also don’t want to give up the good things that being in the relationship provides them, either.  So people cheat… or they find a compromise to the situation that is agreeable to everyone involved.

It’s playing by the rules… and not so much.  That people are finding some creative ways to have their cake and eat it has always been seen as being immoral and anyone doing this is deemed to be morally bankrupt… but is that really the truth?  What more people are discovering is that they can, in fact, create their own version of what it means to be monogamous so that they can make their relationship the best it can be for both of them; they do this because they dare to question that which is supposedly never to be questioned, they fiddle with the rules that are supposed to be inviolate and, I’d say to the dismay of those fierce believers in monogamy, they find a way to make it work and keep each other happily together.

Ah, man… this is such a hot-button topic, ain’t it?  At least in my mind, it comes down to something I find interesting:  When you’re in a relationship, are you supposed to do things with and for each other out of love… or are we supposed to do things because we’ve been told to do only certain things?  I know that I love Linda… just as I also know that for me to think or even believe that I am all that she will ever want and/or need is just patently ridiculous; I’m good… but I’m not that good.  Monogamy requires me to be all that she will ever want and need… but my love for her is quite capable of finding creative ways to handle this.  Given that we’re both bisexual – and this is usually a problem in a monogamous relationship – if she were to tell me that she wanted a girlfriend to play with and it would make her a happy camper, my love for her will not allow me to tell her no – but monogamy demands that this is exactly what I’m supposed to do… and I’m thinking that monogamy has no fucking idea what it’s like to live with Linda when she’s unhappy about something.  I know that if I were to tell her that she couldn’t have a girlfriend/playmate, one of two things are gonna happen (or both will):  She’s going to be hell to live with and she just might veto my decision and go get that girlfriend/playmate anyway.  In my mind, it’s kinda simple:  If I can’t be totally responsible for her happiness, then she has to be responsible for her happiness.  My choice in this is easy – it’s better to contribute to her happiness and growth than it is to be subjected to her ire and displeasure and, really, running the risk of her walking away from me and all because I wanted to be stubborn about it and hold her to a standard that just ain’t working for her totally and completely.

Monogamy isn’t dead… but it’s not the only way to have a good and meaningful relationship.  Yep, cheating sucks but most people just cannot see or understand why cheating happens and one of the reasons why it happens is because of the restrictions being monogamous puts on us.  It is said that it’s better to beg forgiveness than to ask permission – and this is what a lot of people do and often with disastrous, catastrophic results… but a lot of people have found that is it better to ask permission and, of course, more so when permission is given and shared because what’s good for the goose can be good for the gander.  Happiness in a relationship is something that we have to make for ourselves and not something that’s”automatically” provided or assumed.

This is my thoughts about this for the moment and I’ll leave you to your own thoughts about it for now…

 

Infidelity

It’s the bane of any relationship, an occupational hazard of being in a relationship, when things get to a point where wants, needs, and desires are not being met and the rules of monogamy say, for the most part, that you have no recourse, cannot and should not take matters into your own hands, and that you are bound by your vows or the honor of your word to let your partner take care of those wants, needs, and desires – or dissolve the relationship and start over again.

The rules of monogamy are rather rigid, supposedly not open to interpretation, and are supposed to be inviolate but for some, there comes that moment when the person you love and have bound yourself to cannot – or will not – do their part and see to your needs.  Maybe their negligence is willful, that their mind is so much on themselves and what they have to do that the partner is left as almost an afterthought?  Maybe it’s accidental; there’s so much going on that they’ve gotten tunnel vision and can’t see (or hear) what’s going wrong around them?  Maybe they’re guilty with a reason, some medical or psychological reason why they cannot provide the succor they were bound to provide?

If/when people cheat on their partners, it’s never without a reason and, yeah, even if the reason only makes sense to them.  We know that some people just can’t be monogamous – they just do not have what it takes to handle such a complex dynamic.  We know that some people are content to be monogamous and willing to sacrifice themselves to the principles of “for better or worse” and wind up settling for less than what they’ve expected from their partner and to accept this deprivation because, well, that’s the way it’s supposed to be.

There are also those of us who don’t want to lose the person we’re with but, God Almighty, we have to do something lest we suffer damages beyond our ability to cope with.  We love them, have great lust for them but, damn it, they can’t  keep  up, won’t keep up, have ‘better’ things to do than to have sex with us and, thus, despite how wrong it is and what we’re taught about being faithful, some of us do, in fact, take matters into our own hands and say, by word or by deed to our partner that if you aren’t going to do something about this, I will – and I guarantee you that you won’t like it… and I probably won’t either.

To me, this should be a wake-up call to everyone who is in a relationship, that the ages old mantra, “If you don’t take care of your man/woman, someone else can and will” should always be on your mind and sufficient motivation to do your level best to handle your business because even if no one else ain’t gonna take care of it, you are going to have one really miserable motherfucker on your hands.

There have been a lot of blogs about this, why it happens and, in a lot of cases, bad-mouthing the person who cheated – physically or emotionally doesn’t matter.  Many people who pitch a bitch about “those cheating, low-life bastards” make me wonder if they ever stop being emotional long enough to engage their brains and try to figure out the why of it all instead of just blaming the cheater.  I ain’t saying that they get no blame… but they have a reason for doing what they did and if you’re not going to be willing to find out – and that’s probably a conversation we’d all love to avoid – then you may never find out that their reason could very well be something you did… or something you didn’t do… and that the biggest mistake made here was to allow the paths of communication – and whatever powers of observation you may possess – to wither and die because if something’s broken – and if there’s some infidelity going on, something is truly broken – how will you know if you don’t ask or if your partner doesn’t tell you?

And if they do tell you, why ignore it?  Do you really think that the situation is going to clear up on its own?  Would you promise to do better, maybe even step things up for a while… then let things slide back into the murk and muck and because you’re so preoccupied with the other things that concern you?  And if you are negligent, why in the name of all that’s holy would you get mad at your partner because you’ve failed to hold up your end of things as promised?  Yeah, sure, it’s their fault they cheated in some way; they should have been stronger, been able to resist any temptation, and then wait on you to get your head out of your ass and no matter how long it took… but the real blame lies completely on your shoulders, for failing to communicate, failing to be observant, and then putting the blame solely on the shoulders of the one who, in their mind, had no other choice than to do what they did.

It is understandable when someone is incapable of doing what has to be done; there are the physical inabilities as well as the many mental/emotional things like depression that makes taking care of a partner’s needs difficult or damned near impossible.  Monogamy invokes “in sickness and in health” at this point because even in this, your partner is expected, required, and demanded to forsake all others and keep only unto themselves and, in the minds of some, winds up condemning the partner to a life of abstinence and enforced celibacy and, ultimately, creating more emotional trauma for the partner who has no choice than to go without – or face the consequences.

Again, the question becomes one of why a person who is unable to do what must be done will get angry and want to dissolve the relationship – or worse – when their partner is now left with two choices:  Keep going without or break the rules and get that which they need, whether it’s emotional succor or the physical release only sex can bring?  You’d get highly pissed with them for breaking their vow/promise to you… but you can no longer provide for their needs and, in the minds of many, if they failed, then you did, too, because you promised/vowed to take care of them in all things, just like they did for you.

If you can’t or won’t do it, monogamy says that no one should do it… but, eh, there are a lot of ‘neglected’ partners who just ain’t gonna buy into this because this becomes a matter of self-preservation and monogamy, in their minds, cannot override rule number one:  Take care of your own ass first.  In marriage, we vow to “let no one put asunder” – and this also applies to those of us in a relationship but not bound by law or vow – but sometimes the person who may cause some sundering isn’t someone on the outside – it’s one of us, maybe both of us, and if we can’t figure out what we can do to keep our relationship alive, we are royally and truly fucked and in ways neither of us would prefer to be.

And, yet, some of us will do nothing because in their minds, there’s nothing that can be done – the rules are the rules and are never to be broken for any reason.  It makes me wonder which is more important:  Adherence to the rules or the life you hold in your hands and a life that may be destroyed or may be taken out of your hands and because of what some would say is misplaced rigidity, a lack of imagination and creativity or, worse, not letting your love for them inspire you to do whatever’s necessary in order to keep their love?  You vowed/promised to do any- and everything for them… and now you’ve broken your vow/promise and way before your partner decided to do some breaking of their own.

I have no fucking idea why I’m ranting about this… but, damn, it feels good!  Most people don’t want to cheat… but if you leave them to their own devices, guess what might happen?  If they’re telling you that they need more and you think, feel, believe, what the fuck ever, that it’s not your problem – and it is, by the way – what do you think is going to happen?  If you have that gigantic list of things you ain’t gonna do in your head – but your partner, that person you supposedly love, needs you do to those things and you refuse to do them, what the fuck do you think is going to happen?

And then why in the name of God would you blame them when you’re the one who has failed them by letting shit get this point?  The partner also has to shoulder some of this blame because if they didn’t say anything to you about it, that’s there fault; silence is not golden, ignorance is not bliss, and what your partner doesn’t know will sure as hell hurt both of you.

Do whatever it is to keep infidelity out of your lives and if you or your partner are not willing or able to do all that can be done to preserve your relationship, well, maybe you do need to give up, admit failure in this, dissolve the relationship and try again… if you can… and with the sure and certain knowledge that if infidelity has visited you once, it can visit you again.

Holy shit… where the fuck did this come from?

 

Just Don’t Want to be Lonely

Enigma wrote a blog – http://peaceinwords.wordpress.com/2014/05/01/oh-side-chicks/ that referenced this blog – http://lakeshawomack.com/2014/04/29/is-there-a-future-in-being-a-side-chick/ and, of course, I commented on it but felt that taking over Enigma’s blog with a seriously too long comment was just being rude – so I decided to monopolize my own blog on the subject and a subject that I think is good as much as it is controversial… and y’all know I kinda like controversy.

So the title of this blog was borrowed from a song by the same name, done by The Main Ingredient back in the day and if you’ve never heard the song, go find it and give it a listen; if you have heard it, then you have an idea why I think the song is relevant (or could be) on the topic of being a side chick.  To begin, I want any woman reading this to know and understand that I am very much aware of what a lot of you think, believe, and feel where relationships are concerned and that being monogamous is the only way to be… and I’m here to tell you that this isn’t actually the truth – it’s just the way someone a long time ago figured out would be the best way to keep the human race going; then someone came along and put a shitload of restrictions in place in order to control sexual behavior, not that it really worked, but y’all already know this.

The following quote, courtesy of http://www.blackandmarriedwithkids.com says, “By being the “side chick” I was putting myself front and center in the middle of someone else’s pain and setting myself up to play a starring role in my own.” and my first reaction to this – because when you see the blog, it’s the first thing that catches your eye – was, “Oh, really?” because I’m well aware that it has been pounded into us that being monogamous is the only way to be and to do anything is, well, wrong and bad.  Indeed, we have this in mind because we’re taught that cheating is bad and that there have been plenty of examples where being the side chick – or even the side dude – has gone terribly wrong so, yeah, we have it in our heads that this is a bad thing to do and should never, ever, be done for any reason.

Women have big time issues with this and even here on WordPress, I’ve read blogs by women who can’t get and/or keep a man, feel as if they’re being used as a piece of ass and that getting involved with a married man erodes their integrity and threatens their self-respect.  I’ve read about them swearing off of dating and even giving up any hope of finding someone they can call their own because their belief in monogamy will not allow them to be someone’s side chick.  There’s a saying:  It’s better to have part of something than all of nothing and, like it or not, there is some truth in this depending on what you’re applying the saying to… and it includes relationships as well if one can get their head around it and since a lot of women can’t, they’d rather believe that it’s better to have all of nothing even as they ponder the fact that they are all alone, unwanted, and unloved.

I get that women, in particular, have great angst about sharing and being shared; I even think I know why and the answer is rooted in our sexual history – sperm is plentiful, but eggs aren’t and women are put into the position of protecting their eggs and not allowing just any man to have access to them – part of that whole natural selection thing that is still in effect today and probably always will be if we want to keep having babies.  But when it comes to love and happiness, monogamy isn’t always the perfect answer and even when we know this to be true, we continue to put our faith in a system of behavior that really doesn’t work the way we’re told it does – not everyone lives happily ever after being monogamous.

One could look at being the side chick as reaping all of the benefits but without any of the other responsibilities and the questions that pops into my head is, “Well, what if girlfriend can’t handle the responsibilities?  What if she doesn’t want to deal with that mess at all?  If she’s someone’s side piece – or has one of her own – is that necessarily a bad thing and more so if she’s happy?”  The truth is that there are a lot of women who are quite happy in this – and you can find them here on WordPress, too, so you don’t just have to take my word on this.  It’s really polyamory, a relationship state that we’re all capable of but are conditioned not to engage in.  It’s cheating, it’s denigrating, it just goes against everything we’ve learned and have seen… yet a lot of women are not only looking at polyamory to find that piece of happiness in their lives, they’re very much into it because they believe that it is better to have part of something than to have all of nothing or “Why be alone and miserable when you don’t have to?

Sure, there are pitfalls even in this:  No relationship strategy is perfect, not even being single.  There are so many pitfalls that it’ll make you think that it just isn’t possible… but it is – go ask Seattle Poly Chick and Lifeofalovergirl.  Of course, I’m not even suggesting that all the lonely women out there run out and jump into this relationship aspect – you have really got to have your head in an entirely different space and there are other skills that must be learned in order to make being a side chick a good thing instead of the bad thing everyone says it is.

Is it immoral?  They say it is since it spits in the face of monogamy but is it really immoral and more so since humans used to live like this before the concept of monogamy came along?  Is it bad for a woman’s self-image, their self-worth, things like that?  It can be if they believe this to be so and can be compounded if she’s been the chick on the side and the other person just basically screwed them over – which is what usually happens because, again, not everyone knows how to do this and what it takes to do it; not everyone wants to go through the mental exercises and change that is necessary to be a part of something and be happy in that part.  At some point, the women who have done this and made it work for them asked themselves an important question:  “What is the price of my happiness?”  And a lot of women do put a very high price on it, placing their integrity far above their desire and need to be loved, happy, and needed – and it’s understandable… but even I have asked, “What are you willing to do for love?  Would you really do anything to achieve that desirable goal?”

Usually, the answer is no… and they still wonder why they don’t have anyone in their lives.  There’s nothing wrong with sitting on their cute asses and waiting for Mr. Right to come along… but where is it written that you can’t have some fun while you’re waiting?  Why would you want to be alone and miserable when you don’t have to do either… but you’re gonna let your belief in monogamy control things instead of applying some logic or even following one’s heart.  What’s wrong with getting your own side piece?  Not one damn thing but as with any relationship, one must weigh the pros and cons and have a plan – one of the skills that has to be learned and mastered is time management.

You need exceptional communication and conflict resolution skills and if all of this sounds too much like work, well, it is – do you think any relationship is self-sustaining.  If you wonder why relationships often fail, it’s because the people in them don’t have these skills and, importantly, they don’t know how to work with each other because, most of the time, there are separate agendas – she has one idea of how the relationship is supposed to be and the other person just ain’t on the same page with them.  Being the chick on the side – or the dude on the side (and I’ve been that guy a few times) takes work to make it work… but you have to want it to work.

What about someone else’s pain?  Unless you plan well and choose to deal with people who also believe that monogamy ain’t the only answer to happiness, yeah, you’re gonna cause someone some pain because their monogamous rules against cheating are firmly in place, right?  So it’s not about just accepting any offer that comes along – it’s about selecting the right offer or creating your own environment for this and, yep, there’s a shitload of homework that needs to be done and everyone involve must be appropriately educated.  If you do this, is it settling for less than what you want?  Some say it is but the truth few people want to acknowledge is that there’s what you want to do in this… and then there’s what you can do and they are not the same thing – nor should they be, when you really think about this.  And if you believe that you can’t do it, um, aren’t you settling for the worst possible situation – being alone and having no one?

What about your own pain?  Well, what about it?  What is it that would make this be so painful?  How does this fuck with your self-esteem or your self-image?  The only way it does is if you allow it to because being a successful side chick or side dude can be done and with little or no emotional impact to anyone… provided one wants to be successful in this; I’m just saying that it is possible – I’ve been there, done that – wanna see my T-shirt?

Enigma said that she’s been propositioned by individuals who want to be her side piece… and I say to her, “Why the hell not?  If you can be happy, go for it!”  Why do I say this?  Simple:  Because she can.  I’d even go as far to say that if she’s been so propositioned, she’s giving it some thought and along the lines of, “How can I make this work for me?”  I’d go even farther and say that at some level, she knows or understands that monogamy isn’t always the answer nor is it always the best way to take care of one’s needs and that, perhaps, she’s aware that she could do this and make it work – even if she doesn’t know that a plan is forming in her mind.  Should Enigma do the unthinkable?  Many people would say she shouldn’t… but aren’t we talking about Enigma’s happiness.. and who the fuck are we to decide for her  on the matter of what would make her happy?  Is she in charge of this… or is the high ideals of monogamy going to forever dictate to her how she can be happy, not to mention all of the people who, honestly, may not have what it takes to make such a thing work.

And the only way to know that it won’t work for you is to do it… but you still have to have your head in the right place because if you go into this think that it won’t work, that quote I mentioned becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy, doesn’t it?  By not having your head in the right place – or just flat-out being unable to get it there – you’ve already set yourself up to fail because while careful planning and some re-education is necessary, if you don’t believe it’ll work, it just won’t.

For the record – and before I forget – side pieces don’t have to already be married – single folks can be their own side pieces as well.  Does it seem right or justifiable to reap all the benefits and slide past the responsibilities?  Well, yeah, if doing so suits your needs and the needs of anyone you’d relate with in this fashion.  Yet – and I gotta tell you this part – you don’t really escape the responsibilities – you still have to manage the relationship just as you would if both people were single.  And the benefits, such as they are, can go beyond just love and affection; in some situations, having side pieces can have some financial benefits because many hand make short work or, the more people working on a thing makes the work easier… but one must avoid “too many chiefs and not enough Indians,” a situation that will guarantee failure.

If you really and truly don’t want to be lonely, why not do something about it?  Because you can do something about it if you’re bold and daring enough and if you don’t put a price on your happiness.  The author of the blog Enigma shared, from a certain point of view, is right in what she says about being a side chick or even a side dude… she’s just not totally right, just one of many other people who believe that not being monogamous is a bad and dangerous thing.  Is there a future in being a side chick?  Yes… if you’re willing to make your future and not let ancient thinking decide that for you – it’s your choice.

I don’t expect anyone to agree with my assessment or take on this; I admit that I have a very different mindset about this; I know that happiness can be found, that one can have a future if they’re willing and able to change the way they see life and loving.  I was once so totally against this kind of thing – I believed just like everyone else does.  Monogamy can work – there are many examples of this but, still, monogamy isn’t the only answer and if that’s not been working for you, why not give some thought to the alternative.  If being a side piece can fulfill your needs, why not go for it?  If having a side piece is going to fill those empty places inside of you, why not do something that will bring you happiness, love, affection, etc.?  Is it easy?  Fuck, no, it ain’t.

But it is doable.  I did it.  Many fellow WordPress bloggers are doing it.  Rougedmount considers it all of the time – and she’s all about her duty to her family first and foremost and even as dedicated to the tenets of monogamy as she is, she’d be a side piece or take one herself if it suited her purpose.  These are all real people; it’s not just my take on the subject so if nothing else, you know that I’m not the only one who thinks this could be a good idea instead of the nightmare everyone says it can be.

What price do you put on your happiness?  Do you really just want to be lonely?  Does your pride rule over your intellect, logic, and common sense?  Are you that willing to sit and wait for something to come along that may never appear?  Do you continue to believe that monogamy is the answer when your situation is telling you otherwise?  Are you not getting all you want and need out of your monogamous relationship?  Or is suffering something you enjoy?

Now I can get back to my original thoughts of the day…