I got this link in an email last night – https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/gay-and-lesbian-well-being/201102/is-sexual-fidelity-possible-or-even-necessary – and I gave it a read and thought, “Really? Straight people and bisexuals figured this shit out quite some time ago…” One of the things my nameless friend (and, yes, I forgot to ask his permission to name him here) and I talk about is bisexuality and monogamy and how our mindsets have to change in order for bisexuals, in particular, to be able to handle their business on the other side while being in a good and loving relationship.
We were recently talking about how gay men “despise” bisexual men because they worry about us cheating on them – and with a woman – and how much better things could be if they could understand what’s really something kinda simple: Change the Matrix’s rules about monogamy and relationships so that cheating could essentially be eliminated. Ah, yes, I can hear the hearts of those who are fiercely monogamous going into v-fib all over the blogosphere but as I’ve written quite a few times, it’s not that monogamy can’t work but its premise that one person is expected and required to take care of every need of their partner is unrealistic and, yes, serial monogamists, just because you don’t know of your partner’s “hidden” needs doesn’t mean that they don’t exist, okay?
You can go to a lot of site and see people pondering the question of why people cheat on each other and offering up all manners of suggestions that are supposed to ward off infidelity except the most obvious one: Change the fucking rules so that you and your partner can be all about each other in this without this blind obedience to the Matrix’s mandate to keep only unto yourself and the seriously unnecessary reason why this was invoked to begin with and, yes, I’m mentioning it again, the conditions that existed when all this shit was created do not exist today… yet, even when we know this, we keep being lemmings and following along with the rest of the group, don’t we?
The Matrix would have you believe that sexual fidelity is mandatory, that “Barb” and “Glen” couldn’t possibly be happy if they were seeing other people or had other people involved in their lives and, yet, there are a lot of couples who are quite happy with such arrangements because they understand a few things that the Matrix would prefer they not understand, like, if you can’t take care of your man or woman, someone else can and will… but instead of this causing all sorts of drama, why not do this in a way where the drama wouldn’t exist? People cheat for a lot of reasons and, I think, with the thought that it’s better to beg forgiveness than to ask permission… but what if you could ask permission… and what if you got it?
It goes against everything we’ve ever been taught about love, sex, and relationships and we act as if the things we learned about this can’t be changed… but if you vow or otherwise promise each other to be committed to them and the health and growth of the relationship, which thing is the most important: Obeying the Matrix and pretty much setting yourself up to ultimately fail or making sure that you and your partner are the happiest y’all can be and no matter what it takes to make that happen? It’s not as if the logic of the situation can’t be understood but emotionally? I point out yet again that logic and common sense don’t fare well against raw emotion; Barb could logically agree with her man, Glen, that he would be a happier camper in their relationship if he was able to get some dick when he needs it; she could see the logic when he emphatically says to her that even though he needs this – and she sure as hell can’t give it to him – that has nothing to do with his love, desire, or commitment to her and their relationship. But, emotionally? Barb’s gonna need some Xanax – lots of Xanax because in her mind – because of what she was taught to believe – Glen should never, ever, want or need anything that she can’t provide nor should he ever give one nanosecond of thought to breaking his word to her and getting what he wants anyway.
She’ll agree to the logic and tell him in no uncertain terms that if he goes out and does this, don’t come back… and is this really necessary and more so when other aspects of the relationship are golden? Is she all that willing to cut her nose off to spite her face when? While this actually doesn’t make any sense, all the fans of monogamy will readily say that, yes, she should cut off her nose even though doing so is going to cause her some unrecoverable loss.
My nameless friend gives a real-life example of this via his interactions with his gay FWB. The FWB has told him on several occasions that, yeah, he wouldn’t mind one bit if they played house and since he knows that my friend is bisexual, sure, if my friend wanted to get some coochie when he needed it, it’s not going to be a problem. I like this about his FWB but, at least to me, this isn’t anything new but I will say that it’s taken long enough for gay folks to get on the bandwagon that straights and bisexuals have been on for a while; a great many of us figured out that it makes no damned sense to throw the baby out with the bath water, that the dreaded “having your cake and eating it” can actually be a good thing for the individuals involved and the relationship as a whole.
It can be done… but reshaping the face of monogamy isn’t going to easily happen because we cannot logically agree that it needs to change. Yes, more and more couples – and regardless to sexuality – will find out that, hey, we can do this and still be happy and in love with each other; they might become swingers, have an open relationship, might even dip their toes into the polyamory pool in some way and bring a lover (or two or four) into their fold. Yep, there are some rules – there has to be rules because as I told my friend last night, humans without order are a train wreck that’s just waiting to happen. Jeez, I could probably write these rules down in a single blog that, yeah, would also take me days to finish because this is some really complex shit and so deep that it makes being monogamous look easy. But it can be done and couples will continue to find ways to make it happen.
The article says that we could learn some shit from gay men – and with respect to any gay men reading this, I found that to be pretty damned funny because a lot of bisexual men have successfully negotiated this… freedom way before gay men realized that being monogamous was really for the birds. But this is, on the whole, a good thing because we need to change the way we have relationships so that we can be as happy as humanly possible in them and without all the roadblocks that monogamy puts in place. My nameless friend is currently searching for that woman who will not only easily accept his bisexuality but who’d also be open to the prospect of a modified relationship state and one that can benefit the both of them and I do wish him the best of luck in his quest; he has the advantage of living in one of the most sexually diverse cities in the country so he stands a pretty good chance of finding her… but, yeah, if he can’t, there’s the offer his FWB has put on the table, too, which does, in fact, speak to what the referenced article is talking about.
This mindset just isn’t restricted to homosexuals, though, so I had to point this out…