Acquiescentsoul wrote this because of the question it asks and as asked by someone he knows. I saw it, read it, thought he expressed himself rather nicely on the matter so instead of commenting, I took a big sip of coffee and thought, “Lemme write about that…”
The perception is that bisexuals are disloyal and cheating people with bad commitment issues and as such perceptions go, it’s only partially true – we still are so petty that when we bad mouth something, we always go with the parts that are real and truly fucked up, lump some more stuff/people into it and, with righteous indignation, declare that if one bisexual is like this, they’re all like this.
The truth is that there are a lot of bisexuals who are as bisexual as the day is long… and they are 100% loyal and faithful to their partner and wouldn’t be anything less than that because this isn’t so much about the rules of the game but a matter of honor. There are also a lot of bisexuals who are in alternative relationships which allows their relationship to keep going strong as well as allowing any needs in this regard to be taken care of.
The clueless people never want to hear or talk about anything other than the perception and many won’t even bother to do what I did when I saw the title of the blog, namely, instantly understand that wanting both doesn’t mean you’re gonna get it… or that you want to get it. In a lot of situations, sure – a bisexual might want both but what they usually wind up getting is a lot of headaches due to the frustration over not being able to get what they want because their honor trumps the needs of the flesh for them.
One of the curious things about bisexuality is how it just seemed to not only broaden someone’s horizons regarding sexuality, it also seems to open one’s mind to the possibilities and there’s some “built-in” kind of thing that makes a newly minted bisexual just want to get out there and be all bisexual. The perception is that no bisexual can resist the urge to get all freaky and the sooner, the better; the truth is many do resist the urge and, really and honestly, would rather err on the side of caution and let the urge go unattended lest they wanna find themselves no longer in a relationship and getting lawyers involved.
The thought of stepping outside of the relationship is anathema to them; it can’t be done, it shouldn’t be done and there is no reason in the world that they can justify that will make them break the bond of their relationship. They’d rather deal with the temptation than to push their luck and tempt fate because, as everyone knows, if you do that, only bad things will happen.
Doesn’t mean that these worthy individuals don’t want both; oh, they most certainly do but since they’re not allowed to, they won’t do anything to try and get it. When it comes to relationships, one of the words that comes up is sacrifice or, to quote a line from one of my favorite movies, “The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few… or the one.”
You are expected, required, and demanded to give up that which you might want that just might run counter to the rules of engagement when in any kind of monogamy-based relationship. It makes no difference if by doing so you wind up being in anguish over making such a sacrifice because the needs of the many – the two of you – will and should always outweigh the needs of the few or the one: You, specifically.
One of the other things bisexuals in a relationship winds up discovering is that monogamy sucks and if they didn’t have what I’d call a real notion of what being monogamous means – in the letter and spirit of things – you can bet whatever you care to wager that they understanding better than most. It is, indeed, the absolutely, positively, worse situation for a bisexual to be in, to have this very powerful urge and need churning away inside of them… and there’s nothing they can do about it.
Which, of course, isn’t true because some bisexuals can easily figure out what can be done… if they’re willing to, again, tempt fate and in a way that can be like sticking an arm or a leg into a running wood chipper. And, yes – many would just love to tempt fate and take their chances… and they don’t. They won’t. Not for all the tea in China or all the money in the world because to go back on their word and be seen as dishonest, disloyal and all that just isn’t worth the aggravation.
Just like thinking and doing aren’t the same things, wanting and having aren’t either; we often say that if wishes were horses, beggars would ride or, kind of crudely and as I read in a favorite book, “Want in one hand and piss in the other and see which one gets filled up first…”
Even though there’s a “trend” these days where a lot of people in relationships have figured out that they can retain and maintain their relationship while inviting others to join them in their relational bliss, there remains a great many people who just aren’t gonna do that even when the potential is there and even if doing things like this can be logically inferred to be a better option than just the two of them against the world.
The perception about this is that it’s just about the sex; the truth is that it’s about more than just the sex. The perception that such… arrangements are highly immoral but the truth is that before the advent of the rules prohibiting such arrangements, it’s the way humans use to live and exist. Two people can get some stuff done… but if you get more than two people working toward a common goal, oh, like surviving, well, your chances of doing that becomes better, provided you can get and keep everyone working toward the same goal and the sex, such as it may be, is some pretty tasty gravy.
Things like open relationships and polyamory goes against the rules of any relationship but the fact remains that over all this time – and flying under the radar – such changes and adaptation of the rules have always been going on. I can remember when “hippy communes” were “all the rage” and how many people ranted and raved against the basic premises of a whole lot of people living and working together like a single entity… and sex was handled in a very open manner and gleefully so… and just as it was, again, before the prohibitions were instituted.
Because there were – and probably still are – a lot of cults that operate in a similar way, well, we know that this isn’t a good thing and the truth is that some cults really are as fucked up as they eventually appear to be and since we know this, any… consolidation of people who have decided that “a bunch of us getting together and working toward a common goal” is seen as, well, some seriously fucked up shit and it’s assumed it’s being done in some very heinous ways.
Not in every situation, though, and if you don’t want to believe me, go ask DDJennifer and some of the other bloggers here who have defied the rules of engagement, have created their own rules, and they’re happy and prospering… and having sex like it’s gonna be declared illegal and in as many combinations they care to.
The “holy grail” of bisexuality is not only to be in a relationship and able to get what you want… but if you can convince your partner that this would be a good thing for them, so much the better. Except – and as I’ve written – that’s a lot easier said than done… even if your partner happens to want both but honor, along with the strict adherence to the rules, say that they must sacrifice what they may want for the “good” of the whole.
And even if, in their mind, doing that doesn’t make a whole lot of sense.
Bisexuals may appear to be slaves to their libido but they’re also “slaves” to their beliefs when it comes to relationships and if they believe that doing some sundering goes against their beliefs, they’re not gonna do it and even if, again, the two of them sit down, take stock of their situation, and theorize that if they were to get into something like that, not only would some needs get taken care of – and can pave the way for future and yet unknown needs – if nothing else, if, say, four of them were to work together and pool their resources, yeah, that could work.
I see on the forum where a lot of guys make themselves sit on the bench for the sake of their relationship. They want to get out there and do what they want but not at the expense of their relationship and their personal honor. They won’t cheat, they won’t ask for permission, and they are sacrificing their wants and needs at the alter of monogamy because no matter what, it’s the right, proper, and moral way to do things. For some of those guys, you can’t even get them to agree in theory that there’s another way to do this without trashing the relationship.
Wanting both isn’t really disloyal unless you subscribe to the notion that if you even think about wanting something other than what your partner is willing or able to provide, well, you’re just as wrong and as if you actually did it. People talk about emotional infidelity and they have little or nothing good to say about it because the rules say you cannot do any coveting… except, how do you control what someone is thinking and feeling. As sure as shit is what it is, we do, in fact, try to do just that and often with unseen and deleterious impacts.
I’ve heard people say, “I want (add whatever they want) but, fuck, I know I’ll never be able to get it so what’s the point in wanting it?” Truth is that you always want what you want… doesn’t mean you’re gonna get it and, yeah, sometimes, if you wanna get it, ya might have to, ah, break some rules. The premise behind relationships is two becoming one and at the cost of one’s individuality – the sacrifice everyone knows about. Whatever “you” want doesn’t matter unless what you want is something your partner also wants and if they don’t – and they deny you – well, end of discussion and why are you such a selfish asshole (or cunt)? What about my feelings? What about what I want? Why does shit always have to be about you?
You get the picture and I’m fairly certain that there isn’t anyone who is reading this who hasn’t had this conversation before and no one who hasn’t just thought along these lines. And therein lies the problem for bisexuals – really everyone – and just lends itself to the thought that if someone in the relationship – or, by chance, both participants – want both, they’re being disloyal for wanting both and it’s being assumed that because they want it, they’re gonna do everything in their power to get it and the rules be doubly damned.
It is partially true – some do just that and even by conspiring together to trash some rules. Many don’t. They just will not do it and no matter how much harm comes to them. They sacrifice themselves at the alter of monogamy even when the instinct of self-preservation asks, “What the fuck are you doing? You’re really screwing us up big time!”
We hold true that sacrifices must be made for the good of the whole and if some shit goes badly because the sacrifice as been made, well, that’s just the way it has to be. A great many bisexuals believe this as firmly as they believe the sun rises in the morning and sets in the evening (except in those locales where the sun actually doesn’t do that).
They resist the temptation to get what they want even when they know – and if no one else does – they’re also doing themselves great harm and then harm that they convince themselves isn’t actually happening to them. They get depressed, might turn to doing drugs or drinking in excess; some become irritable, moody, even violent; some retreat into a shell and are diminished in a great many ways while wondering why life is treating them so unfairly.
Being bisexual, by comparison, is stupidly easy; being bisexual in a relationship is anything but. Is it disloyal to want both? No and I don’t particular care if someone disagrees with this. The disloyalty comes when one actually does something about what they want and their relationship cannot give them; it’s just easier for us to think that if someone wants to do something, they’re gonna do it, the selfish, uncaring bastards/bitches. That means they don’t really love me, don’t really want me, I’m not enough for them, so on and so forth… well, until they happen to find themselves in a similar situation where they want something and the rules say that they can’t have it and regardless to how badly they have to have whatever it is.
Whole different story now, huh? The vicious cycle then comes full circle and will keep circling until the people involved do something to stop it… and usually in the form of dissolving the relationship because we all know that this is the only way.
No wonder it’s being said that bisexuals suffer from mental illnesses because, yep, it makes you pretty ill to be in a relationship and want something that the relationship cannot and will not provide and, yep, many bisexuals would rather deal with this than to be disloyal to what it means to be monogamous.
And they’ll deal with this rather than seeing themselves – or being seen – as being without honor.