First, a warning: If you are squeamish when it comes to the “dirtier” side of sex, please go find something else to read because I’m going to talk about something regarding male bisexuality that tender sensibilities might not want to deal with. You’ve been warned.
Okay, so, assuming that you do want to continue, the thought occurred to me that over the years, I’ve talked to a lot of bisexual men about how they got to be bisexual and I found that a lot of those men got introduced the same way I did, convinced, tricked, or even coerced into having sex with another male. We label such things as abusive and I’m not debating whether it is or not – that’s for you, the reader, to decide based upon your own sensibilities and sense of morality. It’s something that, when you really stop and think about it, has always happened because, like it or not, it is true that some men will go to great lengths to satisfy their lust.
The one doing the taking could be a friend, a relative, or even a total stranger and this, too, is nothing I’d call unusual, not if you are able to take a big step back and objectively look at this and without prejudice or bias. Even when it sounded like a good idea at the time – and sometimes it does – there are so many bi guys dealing with the emotional trauma of having been taken by another guy or, in some situations, willingly gone along with things and then find out that doing so wasn’t that great of an idea… and now they’re kinda fucked up in the head about it. A lot of the men I talked to about their beginnings admitted they got traumatized by it all, just like they admit that even though they are bisexual, that first experience continues to haunt them; because they shared these things with me, I got an early lesson on how fragile our sensibilities can be as well as how nothing our parents teach us about sex really ‘prepares’ us for some of the realities of sex, like, you could very easily run across another male who will want to have sex with you.
When I’ve told other bi men about my initiation, I’ve gotten such an outpouring of sympathy over my having been abused and taken advantage of and while I can accept and appreciate these warm platitudes, in my mind, I wasn’t abused even though one could say that, technically, I was by today’s standards; I say – and with some dismissal on my part – that if there were abuse laws in place, I wasn’t aware of them and, in my later years, I’ve actually never bothered to find out if such things existed – and it’s a moot point anyway because as we all learn in life, it ain’t illegal unless you get caught. One of the things that I’ve always found interesting isn’t as much how another man was taken as it is how they dealt with it after the fact. Some retreated into the deep reaches of their minds, shutting the event away and even “erasing” it from their memories; others found themselves doing the opposite, not really embracing it but something some have said was destructive behavior by seeking out more dick and even having a preference for being taken again. The psychology of it is totally fascinating.
A lot of the men I talked to tried to chalk it up to just one of those things life likes to dump on us and move on from there but were unable to truly do this because despite any trauma experienced, yes, it was good; they liked the sex even if they were damaged over how it happened and I learned from them how this “conflict” can fuck with someone’s head in either covert or overt ways – how we deal with this can be so telling. One guy I talked to told me a tale of incest, how he was repeated taken by his brothers and often against his will. He talked of one telling moment when he was being gang-banged by said brothers and while he was being fucked, just came to terms with the whole thing and, as he related, couldn’t figure out why he would resist his siblings when they wanted to get their shit off at his expense. Shocking, no doubt… but this is part of the reality that we, socially and morally, don’t ever want to admit to. A lot of the men I talked to who were introduced in this fashion made their peace with it by writing it off as one of those “boys will be boys” things or even as a form of youthful experimentation.
And while the method was bothersome, the results weren’t that much of a problem even though those moments would “come back” to haunt them because, morally, such things are so utterly forbidden but they realized that not only did this not change what went down, it is once more one of the perils of life, that the rules in place about appropriate sex aren’t always followed or obeyed. Some guys related that destructive behavior thing; they knew that their male relative(s) shouldn’t be having sex with them… but they wanted more of it from them and it put into their minds that, um, they could be quite perverted because they’d seek out this kind of sex and that even when those moments passed, their need for a father figure or brotherly figure to have sex with them remained.
Some men I talked to “blames” being taken for how they turned out as adults, like, a few gay men told me that having had their innocence taken by another man was responsible for them being completely homosexual; a lot of bi guys said that while being taken didn’t affect their desires for women, yeah, that taboo intimacy just kept hanging around, fucking with their heads until they stopped denying that getting some dick was also a good thing to do. A lot of the guys I talked to really understood the allure of it, to have sex that is so forbidden that you just gotta find out why it’s forbidden… and then they found out; many were able to adjust while many more found themselves unable to fully justify things.
Of those men who say the were abused, well, this is such an ugly thing, ain’t it? And a lot of those guys have said to me that they’ve “gotten over it” but it continues to haunt them and not in any good way. They didn’t as much complain about being bisexual as they did about how it happened and the thing I’ve found fascinating is why it keeps haunting them when the initial act was so far in their respective pasts – and more so when they readily admit that they know that it happened, it’s long since done and over with and many of those guys, now very mature adults, still have issues surrounding haven been taken or otherwise found they were way in over their heads.
Like, for instance, some of the men I talked to who admitted that letting another male have sex with them sounded like a really good idea and simply because they were told never to do anything like that and that, sometimes, they were the one making the indecent proposal. And while it didn’t matter whether or not the other guy was a friend, stranger, or family member, the thing that started fucking with their head was the conflict that arrived after the fact: They just did something they were told never to do and they liked every moment of it. In this, the morality that is hammered into us – the immovable object – collides with the irresistible force – they had illicit sex and the shit was good and now they’ve suffered some emotional damage because they were unable to resolve the conflict. One guy told me that he took advantage of his drunken father and that he was genuinely obsessed with his dad after catching a glimpse of his father’s cock. He said he waited until his father was quite drunk – and then (in his words) preyed on the man’s lack of inhibitions. He said that fucking his father was better than he could have ever imagined until he had a chance later to think about what he’d done – and he was never really able to clear the conflict by justifying his actions.
At a high level, there’s so much fuss about what male bisexuality is, whether it really exists or not, and how it’s supposed to be acted up… but you don’t hear much in the way how some men became bisexuals because some of it is so socially and morally morbid that we don’t want to look at it; it’s easier to behave as if such thing never happen or, when they do, the outcome is always bad – and, yes, sometimes it is even worse than one can imagine because some men suffer such emotional trauma that they can never recover from it and, often, will end their lives; however, for those who like the idea of living, yes, being taken… or even getting in over their heads can fuck with a guy and not always in a positive way.
One guy told me how his older brother convinced him that their having sex was a good thing to do and he was, at first, very much against such a thing but eventually caved in. He told me, “Man, it changed my life and in some pretty cool ways!” And these positive and “cool” outcomes do, in fact, happen… except, again, it’s easier for us to insist that they never do or to act as if such things don’t really happen. One of the things I took away from the many conversations I had about this was that there’s morality… and then there’s human nature and, specifically, lust – and these things are in such opposition and so much that many bi guys who have been taken can’t ever get rid of the guilt of it and that even when they are able to make sense of the situation, the guilt remains just under the surface and can even fuck with them even though that first moment of having been taken happened many years ago; it continues to insidiously fuck with almost every aspect of their lives and especially their relationships with women but, “oddly,” being bisexual is okay with them even though their initiation was, let’s say, less than stellar or according to Hoyle.
But there’s no standard for this, no rules of the road where man-on-man sex is concerned because it’s not supposed to be done. Sure, some guys get initiated when they’re adults and it’s not always out of some romantic notion of “boy meets boy” nor can it always be blamed on the alcohol (or one’s intoxicant of choice); we shudder and try to turn a blind eye to the stories we hear about being in prison and even for “well-adjusted” bi guys like myself, the fear of going to prison and then being taken against our will is a powerful one. Oh, sure – the law says that men who are incarcerated aren’t supposed to have sex with each other – they aren’t even allowed to masturbate… but we know the reality of it and the stark truth is enough to make a lot of us not ever want to wind up in prison because we fear being taken. I’ve not talked to a single bi guy who isn’t afraid of being raped or otherwise coerced into sex in this setting… yet some guys do get introduced in this fashion. Since this kind of sex isn’t supposed to happen in the first place, eh, we don’t talk about it; we say that there’s “no reason” why a brother would want to fuck his brother or be fucked, that there’s no reason why “Mr. Smith” next door would entice or coerce “Little Billy” into some form of man-to-man sex or, yeah, that our hypothetical Little Billy shouldn’t be able to prey upon the adult Mr. Smith… but it happens and it’s not because someone “doesn’t know any better” or has low morals or is unintelligent; sometimes, we just don’t want to admit that sex is a very powerful thing and that it’s not always directed at women like it’s “supposed” to be.
I’ve always been grateful and appreciative of what those men shared with me about their “sordid” bisexual beginnings; I’ve always felt that I can better understand myself by trying to understand what other guys have gone through, to see how they dealt with it then and now and, yes, being able to see the truth that being taken by a man – or even willingly giving yourself to one – happens despite all the rules and laws that says it’s not supposed to. This writing isn’t about it being right or wrong – you draw you own conclusions if you care to: I just felt like writing about something that no one wants to talk about when it comes to male bisexuals because it’s not always enough to know that we’re bisexual – sometimes, why we are is rather important, that method or situation that first put us on this path…
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