So I just told y’all about something I remembered from my younger days and as I was writing it, man, there was a small war going on inside of me. I look back at those early days of my life and all the shit I either did or witnessed, shit that in the here and now, would land people in jail for life.
The adult me says that, today, such behavior cannot be condoned; it’s inexcusable and violates so much of our morality it ain’t even close to being funny. The remembering had me thinking – and not for the first time – whether such behaviors are just one of the facts of life, a dark look into how some humans can behave even when they know good and damned well that they shouldn’t be doing such things.
I know a lot of guys never have such an experience; some guys have one, maybe two, in their youth; I know that a lot of guys never discover this other side of them until later in life. I know that even back then, I used to wonder just why these things happened; was it some kind of aberration? Or was it ‘simply’ because these kinds of things have always happened, some branch off of the road of life that some folks wind up taking while others have avoided?
There are times when I don’t feel good about the shit I did back then – but that’s the adult in me frowning on it, not the kid who got introduced to sex way before most people do and just got all caught up in it. It’s a hard reminder that the past cannot be changed, that it’s easy for me, as an adult, to look at it in retrospect and say, “Yeah, I shouldn’t have done that…” or “I know I should have left before I saw what I saw…”
Sometimes, it’s troubling – but, again, that’s the adult looking at those things; it often shames me to admit that I was a cock whore for quite a few years, doing shit that even then I knew I shouldn’t be doing. And, of course, it makes me wonder just how different I’d be today had I not just jumped into the deep end of the pool.
I remember telling someone how I got initiated and, for a moment or two, I was perplexed by the guy’s incessant apologies and his sympathy. He’s going on and on about feeling sorry for the way I got indoctrinated into man-sex and it took me a few moment longer to realize why he was acting as if I had been a victim – because he thought I was. Sure, in the here and now, I could be seen as having been a victim of some very illegal acts. His sympathies served to remind me that even though it was probably just as illegal then as it is now, if I didn’t see myself as a victim then, as far as I’m concerned, I wasn’t a victim – people seem to think that when you’re young, you can’t make grown-up decisions about things… and they’re quite wrong because I knew what I was doing even though I did know I wasn’t supposed to be doing it.
I take things to a higher level of thought, taking a step back and looking at my cock whore days and what I see can be construed as a fact of life even in the face of our morality saying that this should never be. And it shouldn’t be… which, always and forever, doesn’t change the fact that these things have always happened – we just turn a blind eye to them. We shun them rather vigorously, cry out angrily that these things aren’t supposed to happen, that anyone with half a brain should know that they should abide by the rules and not do these things.
And yet, they happen. It happened to me… it’s happened to so many others. Do I regret any of it? Yeah, sometimes I do – like I’ve said, when I think about it sometimes, it’s pretty embarrassing but then any regret that I may feel seems to dissolve because I do realize that if those things never happened, I wouldn’t be the person I am right now – and I love who I am. Man, I used to make myself crazy trying to figure out what kind of person I’d be had I not dove into the deep end! It’s all just speculation but factual enough for me to say that had I not been introduced, things would have been different – I just really can’t say how different they’d be.
It’s something that comes to mind when I hear or read about whether or not being bisexual (or even gay) is a choice or something hard-coded into us in our genes. For me, it was a fact of life and one that, in one singular moment – I decided to go along with; it doesn’t matter why I did. In that moment, the lie we’re all told was exposed: Boys really do have sex with other boys and age doesn’t seem to make a difference; grown-ups can be just as irresponsible as kids can be when it comes to doing something they know they shouldn’t be doing.
Today we see such things as deviant and perverted behavior and all very much illegal as it gets. Someone once asked me if I thought that the man who ‘broke me in’ was a pedophile… and I had to say that not only did I not know what a pedophile was back then, I couldn’t honestly say that he was anything other than a man who was drunk, got horny, and found an easy way to deal with it. Doesn’t make it right then or now but that’s the way I saw it; legalities and even morality aside, the only thing that really matters is how I saw it at the time or how I see it now in the retrospective.
I settle my thoughts and say, with honesty and conviction, that I don’t hate the man who broke me in for what he did; in a very odd way, I can actually thank him for introducing me to a fact of life that I could have remained ignorant about or, at the least, might have found out later on. The thing I’ve come to understand about this – and despite what morality has to say about it – is that, yeah, shit like this happens; it has always happened, it’s happening right now somewhere in the world… and it will continue to happen. It’s not exactly a failure of our culture, our society, our morality – it’s just the way humans can behave; it’s how the lure of sex can drive any of us to the many extremes that are doable in this.
Another person once asked me that if I could go back to that initial moment and relive it, would I do the same thing or not. The question made me laugh because it’s one of those “if I knew then what I know now” kind of questions. The only answer I could give them was, “I don’t know – it’s too easy for me now to say that I would have hauled ass out of the house and prevented something at, in reality, has already taken place. But, if it were possible to go back and change something, nah, I don’t think I’d change a thing…”
They didn’t understand my answer; they couldn’t understand that from my point of view, what I experienced was just one of many facts of life – right or wrong doesn’t really play into this when you strip away morality and just look at it for what it is.
One of many facts of life. Some people never experience this; some of us are even naive enough to believe that our morality should protect us against such things… and because it doesn’t, well, that should be rather telling, huh? The cold, hard truth is that it doesn’t offer much protection against the human drive to have sex and by any means necessary. I even wondered about how things may or may not have turned out if today’s laws were in place back then: They may have prevented some of what was going on… but not all of it… so it’s a different that makes no difference.
A powerful fact of life gave birth to the bisexual I am today. One could argue against the notion that they way I became bi isn’t a fact of life because morality was violated… and I’d beg to differ with them because the facts of the matter are just because you think they shouldn’t happen doesn’t mean they won’t.
Some folks discover their bisexuality the easy way… some don’t: It’s just a fact of life even if it’s seen as being a shady one. To understand one’s bisexuality, you just have to get to the root of the matter and examine it, understand it and then, if you can, embrace and accept it. Don’t get caught up in the retrospective – that’s a good way to make yourself nuts trying to think about what might have been if, say, your cousin or a friend (or anyone) turned you on to this way of sexual expression and way of thinking (or even being). However it happened to you, it happened; you can’t change it… but you can, as I have, learn about yourself because it did happen.
Just some additional thoughts I had in my head… because my blog is about what’s in my head!