Here’s another one of those “then and now” moments that popped into my head re bisexual visibility:
Back in the day, bisexuals didn’t worry about being visible because no one was fucking with us – the main focus was entirely on homosexuals and you could choose to look at this as the right hand not knowing what the left hand was doing or that those raging, moral, homophobes were too busy bashing homosexuals to pay any attention to bisexuals which, I’ll remind you, a lot of people didn’t give much credence to; it was either a joke or a way to rib a friend or, sometimes, people just didn’t want to believe you when you confessed to going both ways and, sure, some people thought it was pretty cool to be so sexually liberated.
Today, there are many people pitching a bitch about bisexuals being invisible and, I’d guess, a clear and present danger to society and mostly because you can’t easily identify a bisexual. Even if you suspected someone is bi, chances are good they’re not going to admit it, not out of any sense of being ashamed but the plight homosexuals found themselves in is very well known and all you have to do to have seen this at work was the “recent” raft of shit over gay marriage and other civil rights.
Back then – and at least in my local environment – we (bisexuals) didn’t worry a whole lot about being outed. It happened, of course, but those who discovered our secret, even then, could only see the homosexual aspects and even I had to endure that “Are you really gay?” question more times than I care to think about. And, even then, people who learned of your secret would be of a mind that as long as you didn’t come at them, they were good with you playing for both teams.
Today? Well, people have gotten better… but not a whole lot and certainly not to the extent where bisexuals worldwide are going to start wearing “I’m bisexual!” name tags so that those interested – or worried – can easily pick us out of a crowd. Coming out is like the number one concern for bisexuals, followed closely by being outed.
I sit and think about this invisibility thing and I try to find the sense in it… and I’m still not finding much about it that makes a whole lot of sense other than a knee-jerk reaction by a society that appears to have been blindsided by the fact that here there be bisexuals among us… and folks have been shitting their pants ever since and, in particular, the gay community.
They’ve had a love/hate relationship with bisexuals for as long as I can remember and as evidenced by the many times I’ve had a gay person tell me that I should really be gay, that I shouldn’t bother with women (those evil, nasty critters) or when I’ve heard horror stories from gay folks who got involved with a bisexual and things didn’t go the way they expected them to.
There’s a reason why it’s said that bisexuals can’t commit to much of anything. It stands to reason that if I’ve heard this, a lot of bisexuals have heard it and even experienced it; I recall telling a gay man, after we knocked some holes in the walls – and he kinda went off on me about being bi – that he didn’t seem to have a problem with me being bisexual when I had my dick buried in his ass – but now he does?
Sex has always been a matter of very strict privacy in our society and to the point where we know people have sex… all kinds of sex… and are prone to categorically deny that we are because, duh, it’s no one’s business how they get their rocks off. Back then, you just did not run around talking about all the dick you were getting because it wasn’t anyone’s business but, guys being guys, sure, we’d gossip and tell tall tales about all the pussy we were wreaking havoc on… or not. If you were into the dick thing, well, unless you expressed an interest, it was just on a need to know basis…
And most people didn’t need to know because the number one insult to a bisexual is to insist that they’re gay… and who wanted to listen to that bullshit and bullshit coming from people who really didn’t know what they were talking about.
Today, if there’s a reason why bisexuals are loathe to remove their cloaks of invisibility, it’s because they’d be exposing themselves to a lot of people who still don’t know what they’re talking about – that and by any stretch of the imagination, we are not gay so, please, don’t lump us into this and think – or otherwise believe – that one size fits all.
In this, we’re not the droids you’re looking for; if you’re looking for homosexuals for some reason, you’re not gonna find any here.
The invisibility issue does cause some problems for bisexuals: Like finding another bisexual you can be bisexual with. I maintain that you could be standing next to a bisexual, you work with one, maybe even someone you are close with can be one… and unless they told you, you’d never know it because bisexuals look and behave just like everyone else does.
Sure, there’s the whole down-low thing but lemme tell you something about that. The DL has existed like forever and it’s been a place where if you were doing something that you didn’t want anyone else to know, you kept it on the DL and that could be literally anything from not letting someone know you didn’t pay your rent on time to the more notorious aspects like having an affair.
If you cared to, you could say that bisexuals have been on the DL since day one along with those folks who embraced wife-swapping back in the 1950s like it was going out of style; you were into it and if you weren’t part of it, ya didn’t need to know what Bob, Ted, Alice, and Carol were doing on the weekends with, to, and for each other.
Today the DL – and where bisexuals are concerned – has become a den of iniquity and depravity, populated by disease-ridden lepers that should be avoided at all costs but it is to note that the DL, such as it is, has always been a risky place to do any business you don’t want anyone else to know about.
Back then, bisexuals weren’t a threat to anyone; today, we are and because so many people have been slamming the disease card onto the table so hard the table is starting to crack, is it any wonder why there are so many bisexuals who prefer to remain invisible and not wind up being guilty by association?
The vaunted CDC and World Health Organization has been dutifully collecting information on sexually transmitted diseases, infections, and most of all, HIV/AIDS and today, bisexuals seem to be at the top of the list in these things and we’ve forgotten – or it appears that we have – that when the HIV/AIDS thing came into the light, homosexuals were the prime vector; I can still remember the jokes in those early days where you’d ask who was out in the jungle fucking monkeys because monkeys had been identified as the source of this.
Well, until straight and monogamous folks started contracting the disease; so much for that homosexual, IV-drug using individual who was targeted, huh? Today, we know there are many vectors, from unsafe sex to tainted blood supplies and even extending to unclean medical situations but if you went by the stats collated and distributed by those two organizations I mentioned, you’d believe that bisexuals are now the number one cause of every sexually transmitted disease known to man.
Who among us wants to have this hung on us? I sure as fuck don’t. People have, historically, been careless when it comes to sex and while the “come out of hiding” gang is quick to quote those stats I mentioned, they also conveniently don’t tell you about all of the stats collected – just the ones that will guarantee that bisexuals will be feared and just like homosexuals were… or maybe still are in some places.
See, I know some shit about statistical analysis, like, you can make the numbers say anything you want them to say and I know because, well, doing that was part of my job for over twenty years.
The CDC says that if you give a guy a blow job, there’s something like a four percent chance of catching something other than a mouthful of sperm and people – even bisexual men – have been freaking out over this but not, I think, looking at what the number doesn’t say: There’s a ninety-six percent chance of not catching anything other than a mouthful of sperm.
Bisexuals remain invisible to escape social angst as well as the disease thing and, yeah, sure, I understand this form of escapism just as I understand why many bisexuals will willfully and purposely come out and to hell with the consequences; it’s about them being unafraid and unashamed that they happily go both ways but, on the other hand, there are many more bisexuals who are equally unafraid and unashamed…
It’s just no one else’s business how they like to get their cookies crumbled.
Then, when you tack on label angst, well, that just makes shit that much more complicated; it doesn’t make “a whole lot of sex” to be bisexual by definition but, um, you’re not the duck you’ve been quacking like. On the one hand, sure – we should stop using certain labels to draw lines in the sand but given our inherent tribal nature, it’s just a thing we do so that we know who is like us and who isn’t, that and it’s my thought that without labels, we’d have a hard time existing in our environment because we didn’t have labels to identify shit.
Don’t get me started on this one, okay?
End of the day, does it really matter if someone is bisexual? No, not really… but humans are a contentious bunch of critters so if we’re not fussing about something, then something must be wrong with us. Many people are NIMBY about it – not in my back yard – and that’s fine. There’s this talk about bisexuals having allies and, indeed, there are a slew of people who have zero problems with bisexuals… as long as you don’t hit them with an indecent proposal or, holy shit, some guy finds out that his wife is bisexual (or the reverse). Now it’s a problem for them, right?
Should bisexuals stay under the radar? This isn’t, in my opinion, a yes or no kind of answer because it’s about how being bisexual suits one’s purposes in life. Will there be a day when bisexuality will be considered the norm? That day might be closer than we can imagine and more so when there’s this theory going around that there may be more bisexuals than there are hetero- and homosexuals… combined. The problem here, of course, is that there’s no way to quantify this theory and because, for good reason, a lot of bisexuals aren’t going to admit that they are, officially or otherwise…
Because it’s none of your damned business, to be kinda polite/impolite about it. Me? I don’t care if you know I’m bisexual just like I really don’t care if you don’t like that I am, you know, being a guy and all that. At the same time, I’m not of a mind to start sending out group messages to everyone on my phone’s contact list and tell them that I’m bi and I’m sure as fuck not going to open Facebook and put my business in the street like that because, to be frankly honest, I got better things to do than to put up with the ignorance people display about something they don’t know jack shit about.
They just think they do. Oh, sure – they might know someone who’s bi… not the same as being bi yourself and I’ve seen people get their minds changed about bisexuality – that would be those people who swore on a lot of holy items that they’d never do any shit like that… then they wind up doing it, and now they know what other bisexuals know but, um, let’s keep that on the DL, okay?
Because no bisexual I know of wants to hear a raft of shit about being bisexual and, again, coming from people who don’t know what the fuck they’re talking about as well as being conveniently blind to the fact that we’re not just homosexual, we’re heterosexual, too.
Again, funny how people tend to overlook this important fact, huh?
Back then, bisexuals were “happy” to be off the social radar; today, bisexuals are terrified to wind up on society’s scopes and, as I’ve always pointed out, mostly because society believes something that really isn’t true: Boys do it to boys, girls do it to girls, and there are some of us who do it to both but we believe that it’s not supposed to happen.
Like I’ve been asking – If it’s not supposed to happen, what is everyone bitching about? My own thoughts are that they’re pitching all kinds of bitches because they’re finding out that a lot of that shit they believed isn’t true; their apple cart hasn’t just been overturned – it’s been FUBARed – fucked up beyond all recognition.
Very disturbing, I know, but reality tends to do that. So now we find ourselves in a position of having to “prove” that we’re bisexual by coming out and admitting it to one and all and if you get your life fucked up because you did this, well, maybe you shouldn’t be bisexual or that’s what you get for going against the status quo.
Or some other dumb shit to that nature. I don’t think visibility in this is as big of an issue than it appears to be. Homosexuals had to take the political route to be treated like everyone else gets treated but their problems aren’t our problems and that gets us accused of having a straight privilege and one I call bullshit on because, um, we’ve always been straight as well as being gay so while there are those who firmly believe that we’re faking the funk and in more ways than one – and we aren’t, by the way – you can get a feel of why there are those who think visibility is a problem… because they want it to be a problem for us since, as we all know, misery loves company.
We’ve got a lot of other things to be miserable about already, in that sense like how to be bisexual without getting your head handed to you in the process by those who are anti-bisexual. And as I’ve mentioned before, where do you think the main thrust of this originates?
It’s not with straight folks and as we’re being led to believe. Not that straight folks aren’t on the “everyone has to be straight” bandwagon but, no, that’s not where all the fussing is really coming from – remember, bisexuals have had a love/hate relationship with gays for as long as I’ve been around.
Just saying. Those of you who read my scribbles have your own thoughts about bisexuality that are positive, negative, or NIMBY/indifferent – and that’s to be expected. I’m just the bi guy who has the audacity to speak on the matter and in as much of a real way that I can manage just like I’m the bi guy who will tell you, without any doubts whatsoever, that bisexuals are being bisexuals whether they’re visible or not… and a lack of visibility has never stopped a bisexual from being bisexual.
Maybe you’d never come over to the bi side and that’s fine; it’s not really for everyone and, I think, the ultimate in “acquired tastes.” I tell folks to never say never because you just cannot know how your life might go and in ways that might find you being bisexual – even if, right now, you’re saying, “No fucking way!”
Heard it before. Know for a fact that people have had their minds changed (and I’ve been responsible for that more times than I care to admit to) and many of them would prefer that you don’t know that they had their mind changed. Why?
Because it’s no one else’s business how they get their rocks off. Want some proof? Go up to one of your friends and ask them to tell you, in full detail, about the last time they got laid… and pay attention to the look they get on their face. Maybe you have a friend who’d share that with you but chances are they’re not going to and they may not be of a mind to tell you if they had, um, other ways to crumble their cookies – how high are they really flying their freak flag?
You won’t know… because it’s not any of your business if, say, they’re not exactly always having monogamous sex and if they’re not gonna tell you that, what makes you think they’re gonna volunteer the fact that they might be bisexual as well? You don’t have to believe me but you can, if you choose to, put people you know to the test… and chances are you’re not going to.
Why? Too much information. None of your business unless you think you have a reason to make it your business. Like my late grandfather used to say, “If you don’t really want to know, don’t ask.”
And a lot of people don’t really want to know. I will tell folks to never ask me a question they don’t want to know the answer to because, chances are, they’re not gonna like it. I’m “invisible” and not so much and I’m good with that; the people who need to know already know and there are some folks I’d never tell even under the threat of torture. And of course anyone who reads my blog knows it and I have no idea of how many others have read my blog but, yeah, they know it, too.
Ask me if I really give a fuck. It’s just the way it is and the way it’s always been for bisexuals.
My message to society is to be careful what you wish or ask for – you might get it… and you’re probably not gonna like it.