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Today’s Bisexual Thoughts:  Sexuality and Casual Sex

Does the phrase “casual sex” set your soul on fire… or does it scare the piss out of you?  Many of us, regardless to sexuality, hold firm to the notion that the only permissible sex is relationship sex even though we are also very much aware that casual sex exists and does happen.

A lot.

Bisexuals get to wear the promiscuous tag (gee, I just love that word for some reason) because it’s assumed that all we do is fuck everything with a pulse… but the people who’d gladly put this at our feet, as usual, neglect to point out that promiscuity is a human trait and one we all can get caught up in.  Now, I’m not gonna speak for other bisexuals on this one but I’ve had a lot of casual and relationship sex so I’d never say that I had a problem with the former.

But some folks do and it’s just my opinion that we are so driven toward the relationship model that getting our heads out of it in order to experience more of the joys of sex can be troubling; the body is screaming for sexual release but the mind (a) acknowledges the need and (b) can prevent us from answering this particular call of nature.

And, yes, even bisexuals can be caught up in this.  Early in our development, we are severely cautioned against having casual sex and steered toward relationship sex, you know, save it for when you’re older, more responsible, and in love with someone and, preferably, married.  Once we become aware of our sexuality, it can be damned confusing and a bitch to deal with our “opposite sex conditioning” and our “same sex attraction” all at the same time; again, the body tells us what’s needed and the mind wants to get it… and still leave us high and dry.

Hormones can override the conditioning in some; the need to check this shit out is just too great to ignore and sex will jump off, relationship or otherwise, straight or gay depending on one’s orientation… and all the while, there’s this little voice in our heads telling us that we shouldn’t be doing this now or that “Kenny” shouldn’t be having fun screwing around with “Eddie” but, yeah, doing it is really the right thing to do.

But we’re still driven toward relationship sex because it’s the right and proper way to do things and while the allure of NSA sex – no strings attached – is so delicious, eh, some of us just can’t adopt the mindset that’s necessary to partake of this “illicit” sex, like, understanding that it’s just sex, that while relationship sex is so rewarding and all that, yeah, just doing it because you need to do this can be quite the rush.

What’s that you say?  Sex has to have some meaning other than mere lust?  That sex for the sake of sex is cheap?  That it’s unthinkable and even “impossible” if you’re not into them or they into you?  And you really believe this, don’t you?  Of course you do – it’s what we’ve all been taught to believe, that there’s a purpose to sex and that any sex minus that purpose is wrong, slutty, whorish, so on and so forth.

We get so inured with relationship sex that even when we can partially get our heads around the NSA version, we avoid it because we’re leery about strings being attached when the situation doesn’t call for any.  It’s understandable but if sex is what you need, then one must simply be able to attend to this need in an “it’s just sex” frame of mind.

It’s like I tell a lot of bi guys:  You don’t have to be “into” a guy to have sex with him; you don’t even have to be friends with them – you just have to like them (read this as a trust issue) enough to get your rocks off with them.  Sounds simple… but it really isn’t – that conditioning I mentioned is at the core of who we are and it’s not easy to overcome it so that you can take care of that physical need… but it can be overcome.

Our morality about sex is insidious and if ya think this sounds bad, it’s because it is.  It’s an inhibitor, a mindset that’s designed to focus our sexual desires in a single direction: The heterosexual, monogamous sex that is conducive to reproduction; thus, any sex that does not serve these specific purposes is deemed to be, well, uncool.

And sexuality, such as it is, doesn’t play much of a role in this.  Bisexuals do engage in NSA sex… but so do straight folks, gay folks, transgender folks, etc..  So I’ll ask you again:  When you think of casual/NSA sex, does it get your juices flowing… or does it scare the living daylights out of you?

Oh, and have you ever really asked yourself exactly why it might be a scary proposition for you?  The answer might surprise you…

 
8 Comments

Posted by on 8 December 2015 in Today's Bisexual Thoughts

 

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Pick Up the Phone

Once again I find myself thanking Rougedmount for the inspiration for this piece of writing via her blog, dial a dick.

So… booty calls.  Have you ever made one?  Ever been a booty call for someone?  When you think about booty calls, how does it make you feel?  Weird?  Apprehensive?  Eager?  Anxious?  Scared shitless?   Want to curl up in the fetal position and suck your thumb?

The way we look at sex is funny and even parochial when compared against other countries.  It’s a fact that here in the US, the only legal sex is married sex but, uh-huh, sex in a relationship that isn’t married is also much preferred.  For everyone else – read this as single people – well, they’re fornicating if you wanna buy into the biblical references… but when you’re horny and your mind and body are telling you that you need to get laid, whatcha gonna do?

Are you like a lot of people and just try to ignore your horniess and, if you are, um, why?  Oh, yeah… that whole relationship thing.  Would you resort to masturbation to scratch that itch a little and if not, um, why?  If you’re in the position or situation that you could make a booty call, what would stop you from picking up the phone and calling someone you know could give you what you want?

Does your sense of self-respect get in the way?  Can’t get your head around the concept of casual sex?  Don’t want to let anyone think that you’re desperate for sex?  What other reasons can you think of that would ‘convince’ you not to do something your mind and body are screaming at you to do?

When I read Rouged’s blog, I thought, “Yeah, you need to have as many booty calls as you can get away with!”  Then I saw the part about needing some bleach (what the fuck…?) and some Jim Beam (yuck – Jack Daniels is better) after the fact because as much as Rouged loves sex and has a legitimate reason for blowing up guys’ phones for some booty call action, she’s also really funny about casual sex – but not anymore than a lot of people are.  I often find myself shaking my head in wonderment when participating in conversations about this because a lot of people – and not just women in every situation – firmly believe that sex has to be meaningful, that they have to be into someone in order to have sex and, at least in my opinion, overlooking the obvious, that being that sex, in and of itself, has meaning and, really, you just have to be into someone just enough to have sex with them.

We read a lot here on WordPress and probably on other blog sites about slut shaming, giving those women who love sex and have no qualms about getting laid and by any means necessary… and I personally think it’s silly to see these women as sluts but the reason why we do is all based on our morality and ideas of societal norms which, of course, say that no woman should easily and freely give up the pussy to anyone.  Likewise, men who are about getting all the pussy they can get are seen as dogs and pretty much mindless in their pursuit of pussy and this, too, is cast into a very bad light.

I know men and women who would never be a booty call or make one; I even know some who have made – or have been – a booty call and they’ve not been all that fond of themselves after the fact and while I’ve heard a lot of their reasons for this, the one underlying questions I’ve asked is, “Does your reasoning really make sense and more so when you know that you do, in fact, need to get laid?”  I’ve heard that a booty call is so damaging to one’s self-respect because it just makes them feel bad to have to resort to using someone else for sex… or being used for sexual pleasure alone.  I know people who will make a booty call in a flat, skinny, second and not because they have self-respect issues; they know that if they want to get laid, they’re gonna have to call someone to make it happen; otherwise, they might find themselves prowling bars and clubs and supermarkets looking for someone willing to have sex with them – and that’s just too much work, a lot harder than picking up the phone and arranging for some sexual action.

I’ve heard women and a few men respond to a booty call like this:  “What, is this the only reason why you called me?”  And they’ve gotten offended because it insults their sense of self-worth because it says that the only value they have to the caller is just sex – yup, the truth of things might set you free but it rarely feels good when you hear it.  Obviously, you have a great deal of value… if this phone call you got (or are about to make) was about setting up a relationship… but it isn’t; this is all about taking care of a primal need and if you read shit into this that shouldn’t be there, of course booty calls aren’t going to be a desired thing to do and good reason to abstain from sex, something that’s actually more harmful to your mind and body than accepting the booty call is if you wanna get all into the physiology, biochemistry, and psychology of sex.

And, yes, I’ve made booty calls and I’ve been booty calls.  And, yes, at first, I was offended, choosing to think that the caller thought it would be easy to get me into their bed and all that other negative stuff.  I’ve made calls and have had the person I’ve called respond in a similar way instead of putting a more position twist onto how they’re viewing it:  Out of all the people I could have called, I called you, not because I think you’re easy or anything like that but I have faith and confidence in your ability to please me and, yeah, I like you enough to want to have sex with you… but maybe not a relationship.  Once I started looking at it like this – and knowing that I really felt this way, then being a booty call stopped bothering me and I wouldn’t hesitate to make that call because I was now better prepared to deal with any “moral” objections.

To me, it’s a given that a person has to change their point of view about having casual sex, something that’s difficult for those I happen to know are either against casual sex or have a great deal of resistance to the idea of fucking someone just because they want to get laid and they’re not looking for a relationship.  This, of course, is a result of the conditioning we receive growing up that essentially tells us that casual sex is bad and shouldn’t be done; you should only have sex with someone you love and even then only within the confines of a relationship, which is totally contrary to what should be a very obvious fact that as human beings, we were born to have sex but because of this conditioning, we will also do everything we can not to have sex in the casual mode so that we don’t have to face any stigma that’s imposed by society and, yeah, by our own way of thinking.

Because we all have our… preferences when it comes to sex, casual sex seems to be unable to fulfill our specific needs… but is this really the truth?  Those of us who have zero issues with casual sex says that it isn’t given that, on the whole, sex is a crap shoot to begin with and we see this even in relationships where one can have sex today and it totally blows their minds but if they had sex tomorrow, eh, not so much.  To that end, we’ve all learned that when you care about someone deeply – and this includes loving them – it brings something extra to the sex so, of course, we believe that in the absence of those deeper feelings, the sex isn’t going to be good… and that’s not the truth, either, because the concepts of good and bad sex are all in our heads and at the root of this is how we think and feel about sex and all the conditions that get set that we feel “allows” us to have sex at all.

One could easily say that if you’re in a relationship and you’re wanting sex from your partner, um, you’re making a booty call of sorts but this is different because, in the relationship mode, you expect to have sex with your partner… but we also know how that can go, too, don’t we?  So sex in a relationship is with someone you’re supposed to have sex with… but casual sex is sex with someone you want to have sex with and if there is a relationship – and if you want to nitpick this – it’s just a sexual relationship but a relationship state that so many of us have issues with and to the point where we just will not pick up that phone and make the booty call and choose to suffer with our horniness.

It makes me ask the question, “If you could do something about it, would you do it?” and I know a lot of people whose answer would be no… and it’s not because they don’t understand the need to get laid but it’s all about how they see themselves about it and how others would see them.  Ask someone why they wouldn’t make a booty call if they needed one (or take a booty call) and you might be surprised at the diversity in their answers… but you will also see a pattern emerging and one that points back to one’s self-image, self-esteem, self-worth and that concern of, “What would my friends (or other people) think?”

If you could do it, why wouldn’t you do it?  Would you pick up the phone?  Could you pick it up?

Inquiring minds wanna know…

 
10 Comments

Posted by on 15 July 2014 in Life, Living and Loving

 

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