Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: “What’s Love Got to Do With It?”

One of the firs things I remember about being told about sex – and other than not to even think about it – was that you never have sex with someone you don’t care about or are in love with. Why? I dunno… I asked and got, “Because that’s the way it is and I said so!”

“How will I know if I’m in love?”

“Trust me – you’ll know.”

“Oh.” Well, that was helpful, wasn’t it? What I eventually learned is that sometimes, um, someone wants to have sex and it’s not because they really like you or they’re in love with you: They just wanna do it. Boys/men, well, we will forever have that bad rep of wanting – and being able – to have sex without emotional attachment or commitment and many a woman has been bullshitted with promises of us liking them and even loving them when, nah, all we wanted was da booty, thank you very much… but if it was good, uh-huh – we’ll be back for more.

Okay, now, the answer to the statement that caused me to ask a question that really didn’t get answered is that when you care about someone and/or are in love with them, any sex you have has meaning since it’s being done because that emotional connection is there. Yep – when you care/love someone, the sex can be amazing, comforting both physically and emotionally and can deepen the bond that’s been created between the two people. All well and good… except.

Sometimes, you just wanna get laid. Period. One of the things, at least early on and as I experienced it, was that getting with a guy “made sense” because guys – unless they were gay – weren’t interested in being romantic and as required by the gals. It required a commitment, a bunch of promises – stuff like that – that guys, really, were interested in and maybe not so much – at first. So, again, it made sense that if another boy wanted to do something, ya didn’t have to jump through a whole bunch of hoops and find yourself making promised that you probably didn’t want to keep.

“Hey… do you wanna do it?”

“Yeah!”

It was really as easy as that. Shit, at least among my peers, there was no specific thing to be done and “doing it” meant that dicks got sucked and asses got fucked. Thanks – we should do this again, huh? Now, sure, if it was a friend who wanted to do it, okay – you knew them, liked them to some degree but, uh, we’re not gonna be boyfriends or anything like that even though since we’re friends, hell, yeah – we can do it any time you want to.

With someone you either didn’t know or wasn’t exactly a friend, well, that required some thinking but, yeah, it’s well-known that us guys tend to think with our dicks first and foremost which could be just fine… or one of those moments you’d wind up wishing you never agreed to. The thing was that even if a girl liked you, that didn’t mean she was gonna let you do it to her because girls are told something entirely different about having sex and, shit, none of it makes guys look good at all and, importantly, if a girl gives it up to a guy who says he cares (or whatever) about her and she finds out after the fact that he doesn’t, well, girlfriend, you just fucked up big time.

One thing that stood out to me was that, yeah – you just didn’t have sex with someone you didn’t like and no matter how bad you or they wanted to do it. If you had an enemy – and who didn’t? – that person would be the last person on earth you’d do it with and, as the saying goes, not even if your life depended on it.

But if we’re cool, well, sure – let’s do it! And amongst us guys, we weren’t even gonna promise each other that we weren’t going to do it with some other guy and if we found out that we did do it with someone else, no one got mad about it… but, yeah, tell me how it was with them. Sometimes, when doing it with your friends – but also with others outside of the group, questions of who did what better could come up and, yeah, sometimes, feelings got hurt if you told your boy “Dave” that “Sam” did suck your dick “better” or if you fucked, that was better than it was with “Dave.”

You learn to keep your mouth shut about stuff like that because if you don’t, you and “Dave” won’t be doing it any more. Still, sex among us guys was usually done with friendship in place and done just because we wanted to do it, needed to do it, and could do it. Should a guy not want to do it or other things prevented it from happening right then and there, well, that’s too bad – I really wanted to do it with you but, okay, maybe later.

At some point, though – and with the thought in mind that sex is better when it’s with someone you like and they like you – you learn that girls aren’t the only ones who get gaslighted and lied to. Some guy will feed you a raft of shit about how much he likes you and all that and you do it with him and, on the one hand, it was good but on the other, it was fucked up because you found out that he didn’t even like you like he said he did.

He just wanted to have sex with you. Yet another bad rep we have is our tendency to hit it and get in the wind and, sometimes, never to be seen again… and even when the sex is between guys… and that really sucks. It makes you feel used and dirty and even stupid because the guy tricked you and you fell for it hook, line, and sinker. Damn! I’m never gonna let that happen again and lesson learned.

But it happens again or happens differently, like, homey likes you today but next week, well, now he doesn’t like you all that much for some reason or the way you liked him has changed. It happens and so much that it’s not too hard to understand why women are the way they are about having sex, i.e., if you can’t prove that you really do like me as much as you say you do, you’re not getting anything from me and, oh, yeah, by the way, you’re gonna have to keep proving it.

So one gets to experience the angst toward sex without feelings and because it’s often kinda fucked up – because they really didn’t like you – it’s easy to equate this with sex being meaningless and empty because, as we’ve been told, sex without that emotional connection and commitment is bad and doesn’t mean anything. I mean, how many of us have been horny as fuck and ready to jump the bones of the first person we come across – that we know – and, shit: Not gonna do it with them because I don’t like them for some reason?

We’ve all experienced it and because it can suck in very bad ways, we vow to never have sex with anyone unless they can prove that they do like or even love us so that we don’t feel some kind of way about having sex with them… except we also learn that even when love is in play, bleh, the sex ain’t all that. And no one ever really thinks about the fact that people change over time and so do their feelings.

Yet, we still pursue sex in the same way: If you’re not gonna be about us or we ain’t feeling you, I don’t care how horny I am – nothing is gonna happen even though I know that if I don’t do it, well, that’s not gonna be a good thing. So while guys developed this thing where just being friends enough to have sex – but nothing that looked like romantic interest – was the “rule,” eventually, this was going to change…

Into what I tend to see today. Remember this saying? “Women look for a relationship and find sex while men look for sex and find a relationship.” And I’ll be damned if it isn’t true and when I first saw it a few years ago now, I didn’t believe it until I really thought about it.

There are few guys who enjoy sex with other guys who will go about it in the casual mode, you know, doing it just because it can be done. Friendship would be nice and a more committed kind of friendship even better because, as everyone knows, relationship sex is the best sex even though we also know that, sometimes, it isn’t.

Guys have gone from “emotionless sex” to only wanting it with deeper emotions other than lust involved. They’re saying that it’s empty, lacks meaning, is cheap and tawdry… when, actually, it isn’t but we believe that it is because lust, a very powerful emotion, gets discounted as a real reason to have sex and because, duh, you’re not supposed to do it just because you have a great need to do it.

I know I’ve had people say that because I don’t require a guy to be all into me that I’m not really bisexual and such a sentiment makes me roll my eyes really hard because what I know and what I’ve learned is that I just have to like the guy enough to want to have sex with him and it’s not a guarantee that I will like him that much. For me, it was about making getting some dick easier instead of making it harder since, um, I know guys and I know, just like women do, that they’ll tell you anything they think they can get away with to get access to your body. So the first question I ask myself is usually, “Do I like him that much?” and either I do or I don’t.

The much-dreaded and hated “blow and go.” Shit… even I had a moment where I didn’t like that shit until I eventually learned why some guys behave like that and most of the time, it doesn’t have shit to do with you – it’s just something in our makeup that just makes us want to vanish like smoke in the wind after busting a nut or the refractionary period of sex and, yep, ya should go look it up because it might explain some stuff to you that you didn’t know about us.

Once I understood this, the blow and go stopped bothering me and, besides, it wasn’t like either of us were of a mind to pledge “undying love” or anything like that; we liked each other enough to do it, we did it, it was what it was and if we can do it again some time, great… but if we never see each other again, well, okay – my feelings ain’t hurt and the real bottom line was that I got to bust a nut or two.

Are the deeper feelings really needed? Nope – it just “works better” when they are in play. There’s a reason why some women get labeled as sluts because they’ll have sex and just because they wanna have sex; they don’t wanna be bothered with promises or commitments that they probably know ain’t worth a plugged nickel. Let’s just do it and there’s no other meaning behind it other than I wanted to do it, you look capable of doing it and whatever happens, happens.

Now, if they happen to find a relationship, that works. But that saying I mentioned has… balanced out? Not sure of the right word or phrase but now guys are looking for a relationship first and finding sex… and demanding it. All well and good… except there are still a lot of guys who, for whatever reason, don’t want to be bothered with a relationship. They like you enough to want to get naked and freaky with you but anything more than that? Oh, hell, no!

So you have a lot of guys who are feeling some kind of way because they’re of a mind to take sex out of the equation until a Mr. Right happens to come along and sweep them off their feet with a lot of affection that has nothing to do with lust first and foremost. I’m not saying this is a bad thing but I am saying it’s a curious one since I happen to know, again, that it didn’t use to be that way. There are guys literally pitching a bitch because they can’t get the dick they want and there’s no one out there to get it from when what they’re really saying is that they can’t find a guy who wants to be all into them so that they can have the sex they really and truly crave.

Or, like a told a bi guy who was still waiting for Mr. Right and was deciding to forego casual sex, “If you’re not willing to “interview” guys for the position of Mr. Right, how do you expect to find him? Do you really think he’s just gonna fall out of the sky for you? And, at the very least, when you’re “interviewing” guys, um, are you not getting laid?”

Men are guilty of being driven by their need to have sex and total assholes because we don’t “need” love or anything like that in order to have sex… and it’s changing. Depending on how one goes about such things, it’s neither good nor bad… but it is curious to see guys going about this in a similar way that women do: Relationship first, sex second and if you’re lucky. Guys are very much into dating and invoking the time-honored rule most women adhere to: No sex on the first date… or the second one; maybe the third one but don’t hold your breath. And if you’re not gonna be into me and prove – then keep proving – that you are, well, you need to get the fuck away from me; ya don’t have to leave but you can’t stay here.

Dude asked me once, “But doesn’t the sex lack meaning if the guy just blows and goes?” and my reply was, “I don’t think so because the lust and desire I felt that led to us blowing and going does, in fact, have meaning – we just don’t like believing that it does.”

“If it means nothing else, it means I got laid and now anything more than that is just gravy,” I had said while shrugging.

And he looked at me as if I were some kind of alien and then proclaimed that I was having sex the wrong way. I had said that if I were to sit on my hands and wait for some guy to come along and be madly in love with me or whatever, um, I’m not gonna be getting any dick when I need to.

It would be nice… but not really a requirement. Do we like each other enough to have sex? We do? That works… but for many, it most certainly does not work… and I still wonder why other than that thing that gets driven into our heads that sex without feelings is bad and, taking things further, sex without a relationship is the sin of fornication and is unholy, means nothing, and is forever empty and if it makes you feel used and dirty, well, that’s what you get for fornicating, you heathen!

I do get and understand it and, again, I’d never say one would be wrong to abide by this long-standing rule and preferred behavior. I’m just the guy who, again, has the nerve to tell you that sometimes, all you wanna do is get laid and keep it moving and that there’s really no shame in it but, yep, people will heap a whole lot of shame on you for doing it just because you want and need to do it.

The experts say that we should have sex because it’s good for both our mental and physical health and even if it’s masturbation. And some do invoke “relationship only sex” while others kinda/sorta say that if you find someone you can do it with when you need to, well, go on and do it and if anything else comes up as a result – like a relationship – so much the better, huh?

Except there ain’t that many people who buy into the sense of this; they’d rather make themselves – and others – unhealthy and hold out for that Mr. or Ms. Right before they give in to their need to have sex. Their choice and all that… but it begs the question of whether or not doing it just because you want and need to do it is really a legitimate reason to do it?

Many say it isn’t. They’re also the people who aren’t getting laid as much as they may want to. Casual sex is seen as abnormal behavior when a famous psychiatrist once said, “The only abnormal sex is not having sex at all.”

I leave it up to each and everyone of you think about what, if anything, love has to do with any of this and whatever you decide up is what you decide – I ain’t judging or hating…

It’s just something that got into my head. Again, I know that in days gone by, guys didn’t behave like this… but now they do and, well, it is what it is but that doesn’t mean it can’t be questioned.

 

Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: The Much-dreaded Hookup

Okay, so you’ve seen the title of this scribble… and I’m wondering if a cold chill just ran down your spine or you’re squirming in your seat or even thinking that if you could avoid a hookup for sex (aka the booty call), that would be a good thing; maybe the title invokes the memory of your last hookup (if you had one in the last decade or so) and whether or not it was enjoyable or not.

There’s a perception about bisexuals that says – to be blunt – we’ll fuck anything that’s human, moving, and above ambient temperature.  There’s some truth to this where bi guys are concerned because, duh, we have sex on the brain and the hunt for a like-minded guy becomes rather important.  That perception says that we’re indiscriminate and, again, there’s some truth to this but you might be surprised at how many bi guys are not fans of casual sex; oh, it’s not as if they aren’t eager to get their freak on in this regard but, here lately, more guys seem to be holding out for at least a FWB deal or something a bit more than that.  Guys are talking about dating other guys and they’re also talking about not giving up the booty or the dick on the first date; they’re also talking about passing up on guys who aren’t interested in more meaningful sex or if you’re all about the much-dreaded hookup, well, you can keep on moving.

It’s not wrong for someone to want what they want and in the way they want it… but something keeps sticking in my head about this, namely, something I read several months ago that said women look for a relationship and find sex while men look for sex and find a relationship; when you think about this, well, that makes some sense – at least I thought it did.  If we can take this as a sort of truism, guys hooking up with other guys for sex serves two purposes:  The first and most obvious one is sex but one never knows when a relationship might happen because of a hookup.  What I see are guys who are passing up on the much-dreaded hookup so they can put getting into a relationship first and whatever sex becomes a secondary concern.   Again, nothing wrong with this… except you’re dealing with men and, basically and generally speaking, we don’t operate like that.  Oh, it’s not that some of us don’t want a relationship kind of thing with another guy but to be a bit crude, you gotta bring ass to get ass or, to be more polite – and to swipe something I heard said years ago (in reference to the Powerball lottery), “If you don’t play, you can’t win…”

Guys who aren’t fans of casual sex have a problem:  If they don’t get out there and, um, interview guys – and that usually means having sex with them because, well, you know how we are about that, then they’ll never know if the next guy who comes along will be Mr. Right… or merely Mr. Right Now.  Sure, guys put themselves out there, hitting the various sources that are available these days but the other problem they run into is that many of the men who may contact them can be more Mr. Right Now than Mr. Right and, duh, that’s because a lot of guys who are about M2M stuff aren’t in the least bit interested in getting involved in anything that remotely resembles a romantic situation.  So more often than not, the guys looking for Mr. Right wind up being very frustrated and some kinda/sorta “give up” engaging in this, um, interview process because in their minds, sex without a connection other than lust doesn’t mean a whole lot.

When I hear guys talking about this and how they’d prefer to avoid the much-dreaded hookup, jeez, the things they say prompts me to remind them of something that, perhaps, they’re not paying much attention to, i.e., you’re dealing with other men and, going back to that thing I mentioned, we look for sex and find a relationship.  One of the things that has made M2M so attractive is that a lot of the “mushy stuff” gets bypassed… or, let’s just cut to the chase, get naked, get our dicks hard, and handle this business… and whatever happens after that, well, we’ll deal with it then.  Despite the perception, yeah, sure, most guys aren’t gonna just hit the sack with just anyone – there is some due diligence that must be taken care of even if for the sake of one’s safety.  But the guys who have an aversion to the much-dreaded hookup take this to the next level by insisting that some kind of being into that doesn’t have shit to do with having sex be on the table first and foremost.  It’s not that they won’t meet with a guy, you know, to eyeball him and see if he matches his online description but they also hold tightly to the rule that you just do not have sex with someone you’re meeting for the first time…even if the urge to have sex is practically eating you alive.

Guys who fall into this category will stick to their principles in this while wondering why it’s so hard for them to get the cock they want.  It’s not as if they don’t know that the easiest way to get the cock they want is to “hook up” with a guy and have sex with him because they do know this… they just don’t wanna “cheapen” themselves and I’m gonna say this without any offense meant to anyone reading this but sometimes these guys act like women tend to behave in this and they act as if the guys they’re after are, themselves women.  Again, I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with this… but I do find it very curious and more so when more and more guys are complaining that they’re not getting the dick they want because they can’t find Mr. Right.

Don’t get me wrong:  Finding a Mr. Right does make quite a bit of sense but traditional dating habits aren’t always gonna work toward this goal… because your target audience is male and, once again, males who are more interested in sex than anything more binding than that… although, if the stars and planets do happen to line up the right way after some sex has jumped off, well, okay, this is something that can be worked on  – and the key phrase here is “worked on.”  Relationships of any kind do not tend to happen all by themselves even though we – and this means [generally] most people – are looking for that chemistry or click right off the bat and not considering that even attempting to establish a relationship of any kind takes some work… and, I guess it’s sad to say, when this is between guys, that just might include some sex as a prelude to anything more than some mutual nut-busting.  Still, it seems to me that if you aren’t willing to get out there and interview for Mr. Right – and that includes some pipe cleaning – then you may find yourself sitting and waiting while having none of your needs in this taken care of.

That old saying about breaking eggs to make an omelet comes to mind at this point.  I dunno… the angst toward casual sex is deeply ingrained in us and to the point where those folks who are not adverse to casual sex are looked at as if there’s something wrong with them; you know who I’m talking about – the women people call sluts and the guys who are tagged as being dogs and both are – and have historically been – looked at in some very unkind ways because, you also know, fornication – that’s sex without being married – is considered to be a sin in almost every culture on the planet.  There’s a reason why the phrase “living in sin” exists after all.

It seems to me that if a guy is looking for some kind of “being into” relationship with another guy, it becomes a question of what he’s willing to do in order to make this happen, thus, if “Pete” isn’t willing to suck a few cocks to find the guy he can be with on a more, um, intimate basis, what does our hypothetical guy think isn’t going to happen?  I’m reminded of a part of an old song that says, “You gotta use what you got to get what you want (or something like that – close enough for government work)” and as I recall, the song was about women stepping to the plate and doing whatever they gotta do in order to accomplish their goals.  The bi guys who find themselves sitting and waiting for Mr. Right tend to find themselves on the outside looking in because they “refuse” to use what they have to get what they want.  They say that casual sex is meaningless and empty and that’s because it’s what we’ve been made to believe in… but what does this really mean?  Are they saying that sex, in and of itself, has zero meaning without a relationship being a part of the deal and if so, how the hell is that possible when we also know that having sex tends to feel pretty damned good… and feeling good does, in fact, mean something?

Over and over, I’m not ever gonna say that waiting for Mr. Right to come along is a bad thing; I’m just gonna say that if a guy has that very serious itch that can only be scratched by a hard cock, sitting and waiting isn’t going to scratch that itch; in fact, the itch just gets worse the longer it goes unattended.  What puzzles me is that it’s not like the guys looking for a relationship kind of thing doesn’t know this – it’s why they don’t adjust their game plan so that, at the very least, their itch gets some attention or, like I said to a guy on the bi guy forum, if at the very least you get laid, well, isn’t that a good thing and better than not getting laid at all?

Finally, there’s the person you want to be with… and then there’s the person you can be with and in whatever form or context that might be.  It seems to me that if one doesn’t check out the person they can be with, how do they expect to find – or even cultivate – the person they want to be with?  When you hear a lot of guys talking about they haven’t gotten any dick yet (or in a long time) because they’re waiting for the right guy to come along, you get the impression that this right guy is just gonna magically appear out of the blue when, I dunno, maybe it’s common sense that says that you gotta do some work not only to find him but to also lay down the groundwork toward establishing the desired relationship status… and that, sorry to say, might also include the much-dreaded hookup.

Sigh… all of this reminds me that if you believe women are funny about this, guys are even funnier and I don’t mean in a humorous way.  I don’t judge anyone where this is concerned but I’m the guy who’ll ask the questions that, perhaps, no one else will ask.  They say that good things come to those who wait; they also say he who hesitates is lost, if you snooze, you lose, and those who refuse to change will be left behind; it’s said that it’s better to try and fail than to never try at all.  And, oh, yeah, if you keep waiting for Mr. Right to come along and sweep you off your feet, you’re not gonna get any dick.  Period.  What you will get, however, is a lot of emotional turmoil that’s not good for one’s blood pressure and/or mental state.

Just sayin’…

 

Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: Sexuality and Casual Sex

Does the phrase “casual sex” set your soul on fire… or does it scare the piss out of you?  Many of us, regardless to sexuality, hold firm to the notion that the only permissible sex is relationship sex even though we are also very much aware that casual sex exists and does happen.

A lot.

Bisexuals get to wear the promiscuous tag (gee, I just love that word for some reason) because it’s assumed that all we do is fuck everything with a pulse… but the people who’d gladly put this at our feet, as usual, neglect to point out that promiscuity is a human trait and one we all can get caught up in.  Now, I’m not gonna speak for other bisexuals on this one but I’ve had a lot of casual and relationship sex so I’d never say that I had a problem with the former.

But some folks do and it’s just my opinion that we are so driven toward the relationship model that getting our heads out of it in order to experience more of the joys of sex can be troubling; the body is screaming for sexual release but the mind (a) acknowledges the need and (b) can prevent us from answering this particular call of nature.

And, yes, even bisexuals can be caught up in this.  Early in our development, we are severely cautioned against having casual sex and steered toward relationship sex, you know, save it for when you’re older, more responsible, and in love with someone and, preferably, married.  Once we become aware of our sexuality, it can be damned confusing and a bitch to deal with our “opposite sex conditioning” and our “same sex attraction” all at the same time; again, the body tells us what’s needed and the mind wants to get it… and still leave us high and dry.

Hormones can override the conditioning in some; the need to check this shit out is just too great to ignore and sex will jump off, relationship or otherwise, straight or gay depending on one’s orientation… and all the while, there’s this little voice in our heads telling us that we shouldn’t be doing this now or that “Kenny” shouldn’t be having fun screwing around with “Eddie” but, yeah, doing it is really the right thing to do.

But we’re still driven toward relationship sex because it’s the right and proper way to do things and while the allure of NSA sex – no strings attached – is so delicious, eh, some of us just can’t adopt the mindset that’s necessary to partake of this “illicit” sex, like, understanding that it’s just sex, that while relationship sex is so rewarding and all that, yeah, just doing it because you need to do this can be quite the rush.

What’s that you say?  Sex has to have some meaning other than mere lust?  That sex for the sake of sex is cheap?  That it’s unthinkable and even “impossible” if you’re not into them or they into you?  And you really believe this, don’t you?  Of course you do – it’s what we’ve all been taught to believe, that there’s a purpose to sex and that any sex minus that purpose is wrong, slutty, whorish, so on and so forth.

We get so inured with relationship sex that even when we can partially get our heads around the NSA version, we avoid it because we’re leery about strings being attached when the situation doesn’t call for any.  It’s understandable but if sex is what you need, then one must simply be able to attend to this need in an “it’s just sex” frame of mind.

It’s like I tell a lot of bi guys:  You don’t have to be “into” a guy to have sex with him; you don’t even have to be friends with them – you just have to like them (read this as a trust issue) enough to get your rocks off with them.  Sounds simple… but it really isn’t – that conditioning I mentioned is at the core of who we are and it’s not easy to overcome it so that you can take care of that physical need… but it can be overcome.

Our morality about sex is insidious and if ya think this sounds bad, it’s because it is.  It’s an inhibitor, a mindset that’s designed to focus our sexual desires in a single direction: The heterosexual, monogamous sex that is conducive to reproduction; thus, any sex that does not serve these specific purposes is deemed to be, well, uncool.

And sexuality, such as it is, doesn’t play much of a role in this.  Bisexuals do engage in NSA sex… but so do straight folks, gay folks, transgender folks, etc..  So I’ll ask you again:  When you think of casual/NSA sex, does it get your juices flowing… or does it scare the living daylights out of you?

Oh, and have you ever really asked yourself exactly why it might be a scary proposition for you?  The answer might surprise you…

 

Pick Up the Phone

Once again I find myself thanking Rougedmount for the inspiration for this piece of writing via her blog, dial a dick.

So… booty calls.  Have you ever made one?  Ever been a booty call for someone?  When you think about booty calls, how does it make you feel?  Weird?  Apprehensive?  Eager?  Anxious?  Scared shitless?   Want to curl up in the fetal position and suck your thumb?

The way we look at sex is funny and even parochial when compared against other countries.  It’s a fact that here in the US, the only legal sex is married sex but, uh-huh, sex in a relationship that isn’t married is also much preferred.  For everyone else – read this as single people – well, they’re fornicating if you wanna buy into the biblical references… but when you’re horny and your mind and body are telling you that you need to get laid, whatcha gonna do?

Are you like a lot of people and just try to ignore your horniess and, if you are, um, why?  Oh, yeah… that whole relationship thing.  Would you resort to masturbation to scratch that itch a little and if not, um, why?  If you’re in the position or situation that you could make a booty call, what would stop you from picking up the phone and calling someone you know could give you what you want?

Does your sense of self-respect get in the way?  Can’t get your head around the concept of casual sex?  Don’t want to let anyone think that you’re desperate for sex?  What other reasons can you think of that would ‘convince’ you not to do something your mind and body are screaming at you to do?

When I read Rouged’s blog, I thought, “Yeah, you need to have as many booty calls as you can get away with!”  Then I saw the part about needing some bleach (what the fuck…?) and some Jim Beam (yuck – Jack Daniels is better) after the fact because as much as Rouged loves sex and has a legitimate reason for blowing up guys’ phones for some booty call action, she’s also really funny about casual sex – but not anymore than a lot of people are.  I often find myself shaking my head in wonderment when participating in conversations about this because a lot of people – and not just women in every situation – firmly believe that sex has to be meaningful, that they have to be into someone in order to have sex and, at least in my opinion, overlooking the obvious, that being that sex, in and of itself, has meaning and, really, you just have to be into someone just enough to have sex with them.

We read a lot here on WordPress and probably on other blog sites about slut shaming, giving those women who love sex and have no qualms about getting laid and by any means necessary… and I personally think it’s silly to see these women as sluts but the reason why we do is all based on our morality and ideas of societal norms which, of course, say that no woman should easily and freely give up the pussy to anyone.  Likewise, men who are about getting all the pussy they can get are seen as dogs and pretty much mindless in their pursuit of pussy and this, too, is cast into a very bad light.

I know men and women who would never be a booty call or make one; I even know some who have made – or have been – a booty call and they’ve not been all that fond of themselves after the fact and while I’ve heard a lot of their reasons for this, the one underlying questions I’ve asked is, “Does your reasoning really make sense and more so when you know that you do, in fact, need to get laid?”  I’ve heard that a booty call is so damaging to one’s self-respect because it just makes them feel bad to have to resort to using someone else for sex… or being used for sexual pleasure alone.  I know people who will make a booty call in a flat, skinny, second and not because they have self-respect issues; they know that if they want to get laid, they’re gonna have to call someone to make it happen; otherwise, they might find themselves prowling bars and clubs and supermarkets looking for someone willing to have sex with them – and that’s just too much work, a lot harder than picking up the phone and arranging for some sexual action.

I’ve heard women and a few men respond to a booty call like this:  “What, is this the only reason why you called me?”  And they’ve gotten offended because it insults their sense of self-worth because it says that the only value they have to the caller is just sex – yup, the truth of things might set you free but it rarely feels good when you hear it.  Obviously, you have a great deal of value… if this phone call you got (or are about to make) was about setting up a relationship… but it isn’t; this is all about taking care of a primal need and if you read shit into this that shouldn’t be there, of course booty calls aren’t going to be a desired thing to do and good reason to abstain from sex, something that’s actually more harmful to your mind and body than accepting the booty call is if you wanna get all into the physiology, biochemistry, and psychology of sex.

And, yes, I’ve made booty calls and I’ve been booty calls.  And, yes, at first, I was offended, choosing to think that the caller thought it would be easy to get me into their bed and all that other negative stuff.  I’ve made calls and have had the person I’ve called respond in a similar way instead of putting a more position twist onto how they’re viewing it:  Out of all the people I could have called, I called you, not because I think you’re easy or anything like that but I have faith and confidence in your ability to please me and, yeah, I like you enough to want to have sex with you… but maybe not a relationship.  Once I started looking at it like this – and knowing that I really felt this way, then being a booty call stopped bothering me and I wouldn’t hesitate to make that call because I was now better prepared to deal with any “moral” objections.

To me, it’s a given that a person has to change their point of view about having casual sex, something that’s difficult for those I happen to know are either against casual sex or have a great deal of resistance to the idea of fucking someone just because they want to get laid and they’re not looking for a relationship.  This, of course, is a result of the conditioning we receive growing up that essentially tells us that casual sex is bad and shouldn’t be done; you should only have sex with someone you love and even then only within the confines of a relationship, which is totally contrary to what should be a very obvious fact that as human beings, we were born to have sex but because of this conditioning, we will also do everything we can not to have sex in the casual mode so that we don’t have to face any stigma that’s imposed by society and, yeah, by our own way of thinking.

Because we all have our… preferences when it comes to sex, casual sex seems to be unable to fulfill our specific needs… but is this really the truth?  Those of us who have zero issues with casual sex says that it isn’t given that, on the whole, sex is a crap shoot to begin with and we see this even in relationships where one can have sex today and it totally blows their minds but if they had sex tomorrow, eh, not so much.  To that end, we’ve all learned that when you care about someone deeply – and this includes loving them – it brings something extra to the sex so, of course, we believe that in the absence of those deeper feelings, the sex isn’t going to be good… and that’s not the truth, either, because the concepts of good and bad sex are all in our heads and at the root of this is how we think and feel about sex and all the conditions that get set that we feel “allows” us to have sex at all.

One could easily say that if you’re in a relationship and you’re wanting sex from your partner, um, you’re making a booty call of sorts but this is different because, in the relationship mode, you expect to have sex with your partner… but we also know how that can go, too, don’t we?  So sex in a relationship is with someone you’re supposed to have sex with… but casual sex is sex with someone you want to have sex with and if there is a relationship – and if you want to nitpick this – it’s just a sexual relationship but a relationship state that so many of us have issues with and to the point where we just will not pick up that phone and make the booty call and choose to suffer with our horniness.

It makes me ask the question, “If you could do something about it, would you do it?” and I know a lot of people whose answer would be no… and it’s not because they don’t understand the need to get laid but it’s all about how they see themselves about it and how others would see them.  Ask someone why they wouldn’t make a booty call if they needed one (or take a booty call) and you might be surprised at the diversity in their answers… but you will also see a pattern emerging and one that points back to one’s self-image, self-esteem, self-worth and that concern of, “What would my friends (or other people) think?”

If you could do it, why wouldn’t you do it?  Would you pick up the phone?  Could you pick it up?

Inquiring minds wanna know…