Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: Coming Out Thoughts

I’ve written a lot about this in the past and continue to maintain that while it’s not mandatory that any bisexual just come out to the whole world, you just tell the people you need to tell and everyone else is on a need-to-know basis.  However, every now and then, you wind up running into someone that you might get kinda close to and you begin to suspect that they’ve somehow managed to figure out your secret and you have this suspicion because they might start dropping subtle “sexuality related” hints and then watching you carefully to see how you react to them or doing other things that you could take as being suggestive as well as an indication that they know you’re bisexual… but they haven’t come right out and asked if you are.

Maybe you ignore this and remain determined to only tell the people you feel you have to… but this person is, in some way, close enough to you that you feel kinda compelled to let them in on your secret… and how does one go about doing that, exactly?  The “simple” answer is you find a nice way to start this particular conversation off, like as I suggested to a friend, “I need to talk to you about something that I think you may already know…” and take it from there.  But, before making such an epic decision to do an even more epic reveal, well, you almost can’t keep yourself from thinking, “But what if I’m wrong and they really didn’t suspect anything different about me?  Oh, shit, did I just let the cat out of the bag when I shouldn’t have?”

It’s a good thought to be aware of because, um, you could be wrong in your perceptions; indeed, what you could have been looking at was them trying to use Jedi mind tricks to let you know that they’re not as straight as they appear to be so, yeah, before letting kitty out, ya want to be sure of what you’re perceiving before you do something that you may or may not regret.

I’ve been in this situation a few times and, yep, I’ve gotten it wrong a few times as well and with what I’ll call mixed results:  Some folks freaked the fuck out while others weren’t all that freaked out and, every so often, I learned that, yep, their little hints and other shit was them feeling me out because they, too, had a secret they wanted to share.

As with any attempt to come out, you just have to play it by ear, cross your fingers, and hope for the best possible outcome because no matter how well you think you know someone, you’re not gonna find out how they’re gonna react to your announcement until the exact moment you tell them… and, hopefully, you don’t find out that you really didn’t know them as well as you thought your did.

I’ve run into situations where someone has said, “You know, there’s just something different about you that I can’t quite put my finger on…” – this is a code phrase for “I think you’re not straight but I’m not sure how ‘crooked’ you are.”  I’ve responded with, “Like what?” or “Different in what way?” and let the verbal jousting begin and, well, being the type of person I am, I am not beyond giving them enough rope to hang themselves and putting the “pressure” on them to say exactly what they have on their minds and all while deciding how I’m going to respond if they ask the right question – maybe I’ll confess, maybe I won’t and if I don’t, I won’t behave as if I’ve been offended by any of it because, um, I’m not offended.  Amused, perhaps, but not offended.  And, yes, I will also be wondering why they’re probing me about this; is it because you’re trying to find out if I’m like they are, be it bi or gay, and I already have, “Why are you asking?” preloaded and ready to go at the right moment.

Coming out is situational despite some folks out there insisting that if you’re bisexual, you have to let everyone know that you are into dick and pussy in some way.  Those folks also insist that if you don’t tell everyone, well, you’re a dirty dog liar with a whole graveyard of skeletons you want to keep hidden as well as being guilty by default of every imaginable indiscretion that can be thought of.  While these folks believe that there’s more risk in not coming out to one and all, eh, I guess they just assume that if you did that, it’s going to be well-accepted by everyone you tell… and that, my friends, is simply not true; I’ve seen a lot of shit get totally destroyed because of telling people about your sexuality that had no business knowing it.  I’ve seen relationships get fatally damaged telling a partner – and someone you thought you knew well – about this, only to find out that they weren’t as open-minded as you believed them to be.

Know that if you come out to anyone for any reason, there may be consequences and of the variety you’re not gonna find pleasing in any way.  Do women fare better in this than men?  Damned if I know.  I’ve observed that when women tell other women, eh, acceptance has a slight lead on rejection and depending on the woman they’re talking to.  Men, on the other hand, um, coming clean to another guy might go well but usually not so much and, holy shit, a man telling his woman that he also likes dick, in my observations, rarely goes well.  Yes, I’ve seen guys flip out to find that their woman likes pussy but, again, in my observations, I’ve also seen guys say something as simple as, “Okay!” or they “split the difference” and accept it, the thought here is that as long as she’s not giving up the coochie to another guy, it’s not really a problem or threatening to them… which, actually, isn’t the truth but I’m not gonna talk about that in this writing – I’ll write that one on my iPad in a few.

 

Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: “How Can I Explain This?”

As I was out playing in the traffic and taking care of some business, I got to thinking about this and I thought that, damn, for some folks, it’s bad enough discovering that you’re bisexual and now you’re trying to figure out the deal going on with this – it’s one of the banes of being bisexual.  Another is trying to figure out if any action on these “new” feelings is warranted or even possible, something that’s almost guaranteed to give one a few sleepless, restless nights.  Then there’s this one:  Telling someone that you’re bisexual (or that you think you are); the more I thought about this, the more I was reminded that there just isn’t one tried and true, dyed-in-the-wool way to let someone know about this.

Telling the truth is the right thing to do but, hmm, there’s just no telling how someone is going to receive this bit of news and it doesn’t take much to have the initial thought that, nah, they’re not going to be overjoyed to hear that you’re not as straight as you appear to be… or even as you thought you once were.  Likewise, it doesn’t take much to figure out that you could remain silent but, at some point, others are going to magically become aware that you’re now a little different from the way you were the other day; your mood has changed, you seem distracted a lot or your body language is screaming that something’s bothering you… and then someone’s going to ask you what’s going on with you… and now it’s decision time:  Do you tell them (and hope for the best result) or do you [basically] lie like a rug and say that nothing’s wrong even though you know that, duh, they wouldn’t have asked the question if they weren’t sure there was something not quite right with you.

It’s not easy to explain by any means and more so when a lot of one’s internal thoughts about bisexuality don’t have much in the way of substance – they’re more feeling and impression than anything else and even I know how difficult it is to latch onto these things and try to translate them into English and without sounding like I’ve lost my mind or something.  If you have the need to tell someone, I’d highly recommend that you figure out the best way to take all that stuff in your head and turn them into an explanation and, while you’re at it, start thinking about the answers to the questions that you can bet your ass are gonna come your way.  I’d even recommend that before you say anything about it to someone, take some time to “feel” them out so you can get a better idea of whether or not they’re going to be receptive or if they’re gonna spaz out on you – and keeping in mind that no matter what you think you know about them, people can change their minds faster than they can think about changing their mind.

There are some fans of coming out who feel that this is something that has to be done and I do agree with this… in part and more so if you’re able to “graduate” to having the sex – it’s obvious you’re gonna have to let someone know, right?  But when it comes to family and friends (and other people close to you)?  It can be a minefield and I can’t think of a nicer way to put it.  I thought that, okay, they’re gonna have maybe three initial reactions:  They might flip out, might not say or do anything, or they might accept it… but there’s no telling what you’re gonna face when you pull up on one of these folks and say, “Um, I have something I need to talk to you about…”

It’s some very scary shit – no nicer way to put this, either, so another thing I’d offer as a suggestion is to hope for the best… but plan for the worse.  Don’t assume that because they love you or they’re otherwise tight with you that they’re just gonna accept this; I think that a lot of people who come out might do this so they wind up getting kicked in some tender places when the person they tell react in a way they didn’t expect.  They were maybe expecting cool acceptance… but got bitch-slapped instead.  The big question one should ask themselves is, “What am I gonna do if this goes wrong?” and, no, I wouldn’t recommend that you “worry about it when the time comes” and decide not to have a plan in your head to deal with the worst-case scenarios that are sure to heavily fall onto you and now you’re living your worst nightmare.

I’ve seen this go wrong so many times and, yep, I’ve told people and they’ve wigged out and cut their ties to me and, nope, it doesn’t feel good at all and for some, the aftereffects can be emotionally devastating and, in some situations, fatally so.  So instead of saying that if you’re bisexual you have to come out to one and all – and because I know first-hand how fucked up this can go – I will tell someone that they should do it on a need to know basis – and then you’d better be damned sure that they really need to know.  I know that some folks aren’t fond of this coming out approach, that honestly is always the best policy and that the truth never hurt anyone… when this ain’t the God-given truth by any stretch of the imagination.

One of the things I think someone should think about in this is in the form of yet another questions:  “What if I get outed, accidentally or otherwise?” and, fuck no, this isn’t one of those things that (again) you’re gonna deal with if it happens.  Ah, man, I just feel that you have to ask yourself these “what if” questions so that if it does happen, you’ll be able to keep your cool and explain yourself – and don’t assume that you’re not gonna have to explain anything; sometimes, telling someone, “I don’t have to explain myself to you!” or “I don’t answer to your ass!” or even “You ain’t the boss of me!” is not going to go well for you.  And, of course, don’t ever assume that getting accidentally outed can’t happen to you because anything’s possible.

I wouldn’t ever recommend shouting your bisexuality to the mountaintops as a matter of course… but I do recommend that you think about this with all the care you can bring to bear before you ask someone, “How can I explain this to you so that you’ll understand?”  It’s something that I always think about and, yes, there are some people who I will decide don’t need to know and, yes, if they asked, I’m not gonna tell because, honestly, I don’t need the aggravation at this point in my life and, yep, I know for a fact that some people just can’t handle the truth.  Does this make me dishonest?  Some would say yes to that when, at least in my mind, I’m being prudent, protecting my own ass (Rule Number One is always in effect), or I’m being considerate of their sensibilities.

Some people do need to know… but everyone doesn’t need to know but for the people in your life that do need to know, you really and seriously have to think about how you’re going to tell them and then deal with whatever happens after you do.

 

Honestly…

Most of you who have been following me already know that I’m bisexual… but what does my honesty and openness mean to you?  When you think about all that you’ve read about me, do you think about the bisexual – and all the shit associated with bisexual men – or do you think about the person that I am.  Which is the more important aspect?

I ask you this – and an answer isn’t really required but would be interesting – because I’m still a little peeved at that certain facet of society that believes that all bisexuals have to come out of their respective closets and be accounted for, like in the manner homosexuals have been doing over the years.  I mentioned the one blog I read where the author asks why we can’t be honest about our sexuality and I went on a rant about it… and I’m still ranting a little and because Rougedmount made some good points and observations in her comment to “In Plain Sight.”

So that you don’t have to read all of it – but it would be nice if you did – I said to Rouged that as bisexual men, we’re not really all that worried about what society thinks about this; we are, however, very worried about how women and any men we consider to be close to us would think and, honestly, the reactions aren’t what I would call inspiring most of the time.  We know that when we’re dealing with women, they want us to be 100% honest and truthful with them; this, all by itself, isn’t all that unusual nor is it unexpected… but if we’ve had dealing with other women, we know that asking for the truth in all things and accepting that truth might not be the same thing.

If there’s a reason why we – bi guys – would rather stay under the radar than to step into the light, it’s because we know either through personal experience or from the experience of other bi men that this is a truth that cannot be handled so we have a hard choice to make:  Tell her (or one of the fellas) that you’re bisexual and watch (a) your chance to have a relationship with her or (b) your current relationship with her go right down the drain or (c) lose your best male friend… or exercise your right to remain silent.  It’s not that hard of a decision; we value our relationships with women and our male friends more than we’d want to risk losing all of it… but if we don’t say something about it, the same thing can happen – we’re damned if we do, damned if we don’t, right?

Sounds like a fucked up quandary, doesn’t it?  But I’ll ask again which is the most important thing, the fact that I’m bisexual and my, um, extensive sexual history… or the person that I am – the whole person and not just this one aspect of me?  Do you only think about the risks you’ve been hearing about concerning bisexual men?  Does this alone make you feel and/or believe that I cannot be trusted?  Would you choose to believe the perceptions… or would you believe and accept the truth as it applies to me?

Depending on how you’d answer these questions in your mind, can you also see why a bisexual man might not want to be forthcoming about this even though he’s aware of certain ramifications that could come up if he did confess?  This thing ain’t about lying and, honestly, we all lie to some extent or the other; we live with lies of omission because there are things about us that we will not tell anyone – this particular thing make me nuts because I find it hard to understand how my not telling you something is a lie on my part but that’s probably a rant for another day.  If anything, it’s a judgement call on the bi guy’s part:  Tell the whole truth about this and take your chances or leave that part out and take the risk of it resurfacing later and causing one hell of a mess.

Next hypothetical question:  If I honestly told you that I’m bisexual and that I’ve been active in that regard, would you start thinking about how that’s gonna affect you… or do you see a man with a broader sexual knowledge than most guys?  If, in your minds, you start thinking, “Oh, shit – that motherfucker has been fucking dudes in the ass and sucking dicks!” and are concerned about HIV/AIDS – and, keep in mind, I’d show you the medical proof that I’m not infected with anything – would that make you start to worry about yourself but not think about what I’ve told you about my sexual past with men and more so when I make it a point to let you know that I did the majority of my butt fucking way before HIV/AIDS ever came on the scene?

Would you see the obvious as it’s presented… or would your mind go off on a tangent and cause you to disregard whatever I’ve been telling you, um, like the truth and straight from the source?  Do you see the stereotypical bisexual man and just assume that I’m guilty of being that guy?  The real life question at this point is do you see why there are bisexual men who aren’t gonna stand up and be counted as society – or those certain factions – want us to?  Can you see that some bi guys know, as a matter of course, that being honest and open is, in their minds, the worst thing they could do?

The real and most telling question is does my bisexuality really makes a difference when looking at the big picture?  Would it disqualify me from being your friend or, if it were possible, bedding you?  What would honesty get me other than maybe shown the door and being told not to let the doorknob hit me in the ass on the way out?  And, even bigger and better, just why would this particular thing happen if the truth was asked for and received… but obviously not accepted?  See, I know that y’all know I’m bi; some of you accept it, perhaps some of you don’t – and that’s fine in either case and, for me, there’s no “downside” to being honest about my sexuality or open about what I’ve done and even how I think about it because you’re either gonna accept it or you’re not; you’re either going to see the whole person that I am or you’re just gonna see a stereotypical bisexual man who’s also a disease vector by association as well as a lying, cheating, flighty, and hormone-driven son-of-a-bitch.

And then the people asking us to come out want to know why we don’t?  It can be said that by being honest and open about it – and no matter how badly this goes for us – we can continue forward with a clear conscious… but does this make a guy feel better when others he’s confided in see him as a failure, someone whose character is flawed and his morals skewed in an abnormal direction?  I know it’s never made me feel good and if I know this, many other bi men know it as well; is there any wonder why they’re saying bisexuals are more prone to depression?

It begs the question to all of those who believe that we should come out, “Why would we want to do this when we know it’s not going to do us any good to do so?  Where’s the benefit in this and what, exactly, is that benefit?”

Okay, that was two questions but you see the problem here, don’t you?  I tell you about my sexuality and unless you’re more “enlightened” than most people, that’s the only thing you’re gonna see about me or any other bi guy and, as I’ve learned the hard way, one is more likely to believe the perceptions more than the truth so, to that end – and in a weirdly logical way – the truth doesn’t matter if you’re not willing or able to hear it, is it?  It’s one of the reasons why male bisexuals in particular always wind up having to defend themselves in this and, yeah, in most situations, it’s a complete waste of time because even I’ve learned that once someone makes up their mind that you’re that bi guy everyone tells you to be afraid of, getting them to change their mind isn’t impossible but it can be improbable.

Oh, my friends, this is such a good rant – aww…, what a rush!  Now, I’m not saying or even implying that it’s wrong to tell the truth in this when it has to be told; I’m just saying that what usually happens when the truth outs is one of the reasons why a lot of bisexual men aren’t very damned likely to raise their hand when asked, “Where are all the male bisexuals?”  If, when you answered those questions I asked way back in the beginning of this, you were paying more attention to the fact that I’m bisexual than anything else you might have learned about me, does anyone still wonder why we’d rather stay hidden in the darkness than to stand in the harsh light of public opinion?

Water… I need water…