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Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: Bisexuality and Dating

Once upon a time, these two things weren’t even related to each other; if you were bisexual, dating was for opposite sex activities and provided if one could get a girl to say hello, let alone anything beyond that. Many men would get highly frustrated trying to get a date and if they got lucky, well, it depended on why they wanted to date – just wanted to hang out with a babe or to gain, ah, biblical knowledge of her and, sure, maybe in his mind, she could be The One.

The hunt for cock wasn’t so involved or complicated; find a guy who wanted to do it and do it – no promises for a second encounter later on and, really, no other prerequisites other than two guys looking to do the nasty to each other. Still, if it turned out that, um, we could get together and do this again and even become friends of a sort, okay, that works because even back in the day, finding like-minded guys wasn’t exactly what I’d call easy.

Today, we have dating apps out the wazoo; people are online looking for The One or, bluntly, anyone they might be able to have sex with. One of the many problems with online dating is being able to view people from all over the world and then sorting through a lot of stuff to determine compatibility, suitability, and whatever specific requirements one might have.

Bi guys, eh, weren’t so much interested in “dating” other guys and the frame of mind was we didn’t date each other as much as we’d hang out or generally hook up to do something – hit the local watering hole, catch or watch a sporting event, and other things not specifically related to, um, doing it to each other but if that were the case, let’s go get a cup of coffee or a drink and talk about what we might want to do to, with, and for each other.

To really understand this, it helps to understand what the purpose of dating used to be, like dating was once called courting, that pursuit of a suitable mate that had rules like no sex on the first date and even no premarital sex at all. Dating evolved because people realized that ya didn’t have to court someone in that sense of looking for someone you’d want to marry – dating became a social thing; let’s go to the movies, have dinner, whatever and just to be social… but if anything else more involved appeared, okay, let’s talk about that at our second date.

The disparities between what women saw dating as and how men saw it, in my opinion, created a gap that continues to exist today but bi guys, since “dating” wasn’t a thing, continued to “hook up” even for social things and if sex was included, okay, that worked but having a relationship, per se, not really an option or requirement.

A lot of bi guys now fret over dating and as we understand it today. They fret on how to go about dating other men and even insist on going through the dating rituals that were once reserved for interacting with women – and including no sex on the first date and no sex without some kind of commitment or investment in each other that has nothing to do with getting naked with each other.

That this aspect of bisexuality appears to be falling in line with more traditional social behaviors, from my perspective and coming from a time when unless the guys were gay, you’d never even think about dating a guy, is either a good or “bad” thing depending on your own school of thought.

I find it interesting and curious of how this is turning out. I often find it… amusing to hear guys bitching about the foibles of dating or thinking about dating in terms that are too similar to how guys “normally” go about dating women and it stops being amusing when I see guys dealing with men and as if they were dealing with a woman – and we know that women still have a very different mindset about dating.

Guys riff about not being able to do this successfully, moan and groan over the number of men who are more about casual sex or otherwise not even interested in establishing some kind of relationship and they wonder why this is… and I think that it’s because, duh, men aren’t women.

I’ll give you a moment to really think about this one.

A fellow WordPress blogger wrote something about dating and pretty much illustrates the pains bisexual men have when trying to date other men, namely, looking for that one guy among millions you want to have a relationship (of some kind) so you have have sex… and in an environment where relationships aren’t always wanted, desirable, or even possible. Guys don’t exactly object to, um, repeat “business”with other guys as long as it doesn’t get “too serious…” but dating kinda implies a level of seriousness and I’m thinking – and I could be wrong – because when guys date women, there’s not only a lot of stuff you gotta do to get her to date you but other and more complex (or complicated) things involved if you wanna keep dating her and even more so if you wanna bone her.

Dating seems to want to circumvent casual sex in favor of a more relationship-minded arrangement; casual sex bad, relationship sex good and something that hasn’t changed a whole lot so to see this school of thought becoming more of a thing among bisexual men is… curious.

There’s been a lot of talk and emphasis on male bonding which I think is a good thing; there’s even more talk about how male bonding can lead to M2M sex (think bro jobs if that helps) and this, too, is a good thing… but dating? Maybe it’s just me and being from the old school but you kinda/sorta don’t date someone unless you want things to get serious, for the most part. There’s hanging out and socializing… dating is just different.

And, perhaps, guys are having issues with dating – and dating in order to find The One – because there’s no real “protocol” in place for men dating other men (at least that I’m not aware of). The only thing we really have to work with is how traditional dating/courting occurs except, again, we’re talking about doing something that, until now, wasn’t something a lot of guys were interested in.

If ya wanted to meet at a coffee shop as a prelude to going somewhere and getting jiggy with each other, cool – not what one would call a date… could be called a date under no sex conditions but if were just talking to see if we might be able to have sex, most guys wouldn’t really call that a date.

Or would they? I recall reading something somewhere about dating where it was said that a date was more like going to a job interview as well as a social thing to do… and depending on how the interview goes determines whether or not you get the job or not… and more than one interview may be required… and provided you passes the initial interview, of course.

A lot of bi guys get disillusioned and frustrated because, um, most guys aren’t of a mind to date others guys and as they would women; indeed, the whole notion of the much-dreaded hookup was popular because it skirted that whole dating premise experienced with women and just got right to the point: Do you wanna have sex and, if so, what do you wanna do? Now proceeding further depends on the answer to these two questions and if you were of a mind to establish something more… substantial and to avoid the even more dreaded casual sex thing, well, that could be a problem, couldn’t it?

Or, as I once heard a guy say, “If I wanted to go through all that shit all of the time, I’d only try to really date women – I just wanna get my shit off and without the drama and hassles!” Another guy was heard asking, “What part of “NSA” don’t they understand?”

No wonder a lot of guys get bent out of shape and bitch that they can’t find a guy they wanna be with… and without having to resort to having casual sexual encounters. Some guys are leery about dating and what it implies and infers… but if you’re looking for a friend, lover, or both, if you don’t get yourself out there and let it be known that you’re available, guess what’s never gonna happen for you? Call it dating, hanging out, or even hooking up; the bottom line is that if you don’t do it, again, guess what ain’t gonna happen?

With bi guys, ya just gotta understand that a lot of other guys just aren’t interested in dating as a prelude to something more serious and even something as tenuous as being a friend with benefits is just too much of a hassle to make any prospective sex worth all that potential drama and more so since FWB seems to be migrating more toward exclusivity than being a matter of, um, mutual convenience, let’s say.

I just find it curious to see how some bi guys are going about, bluntly, getting some dick.

 
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Posted by on 19 November 2018 in Today's Bisexual Thoughts

 

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Today’s Bisexual Thought: Dating or Hooking Up?

There are a lot of bi guys who are concerned about dating a guy and while I’d be the first to admit that I wouldn’t say that I’ve dated men, it gets me to wonder how guys look at dating, what it means to them to date someone and if there’s a purpose to dating other than to hook up with a guy.  There are times when I think that men think about dating in the same way they think about dating women and, yes, even if the only reason why we want to take them out is so we can get into their panties.  Depending on who you’re talking to, dating has a more romantic, relationship kind of vibe to it; we often use dating as a method to screen potential partners and, no, this time I don’t mean solely for sex; given this take on it, I’m often amused when I see and/or hear guys say that they’re not interested in hookups and are wondering what’s the best way to go about dating a guy when dating, as I’ve allowed, is more about a relationship than just going out with someone because you can go out with them.

So with this in mind, I tend to ask myself, “If you’re really not interested in having a relationship with a guy, uh, why do you want to date him?”  I think I can understand the semantics that are going on here, i.e., it’s a lot more PC to use “dating” than it is to use “hooking up” because the latter implies a sex-only interest and, well, now, we wouldn’t want some other dude to think that our only interest in them is sexual, do we?  Given that a lot of guys who are into guys aren’t really interested in dating or their situation doesn’t allow for such a protracted “getting to know you better” mode of interaction so while some guys might eschew “hooking up,” we don’t have much of a problem with substituting “hanging out” for dating and hooking up.

Now, I have agreed to meet with guys for lunch or coffee and they’ve actually said, “Cool!  It’s a date then!” and, honestly, I’ve not put much emphasis on the word because I grew up with the thought in mind that a date was nothing more than a specific day, time, and place to meet with someone for whatever activity might take place, from just sitting and talking to having sex and, yep, if the vibe is right, interviewing a candidate for a relationship; a date and what it might mean all depends on why you’re meeting this person… and if it’s because you wanna have sex with them at some point – and, often, more sooner than later, um, that’s generally called a hook up and not a date.

I’ve gone out with guys and simply because they asked (or I did), “Hey, you wanna hook up and do something tomorrow?” and, yeah, most of the time, it’s not immediately clear what that “something” is going to be; again, it could be anything from just talking to doing what we have in mind – and that’s provided that those sentiments weren’t already put out on the table.  Does it mean that we’re meeting solely for the purpose of having sex?  Nope, not always but even if sex is an item to be put on the table, it’s kinda nice to know a bit more about the other guy so hooking up with him – and, simply, the two of us getting in the same place at the same time – makes sense and is even more palatable than “dating” even if the word is being used colloquially.

Yep… I understand that “hooking up” has gotten a very bad reputation in the bi guy world because there are so many men out there who aren’t in the least bit interested in what type of guy you are; all they wanna know is can they get into your BVDs and can they do that in the next half-hour?  And it’s a sure bet that if you do let him in there, you’re probably never going to see him again unless he wants to get back in there again – but that’s not usually the case.  I think one of the things that tends to cause some confusion with these words is the fact that there are guys who are more relationship minded who wants to date as an interview technique and not necessarily to get their cookies crumbled right on the spot; they want to be with someone, be into someone, and then for the long term.  I’ll point out that a lot of these bi guys are often frustrated trying to find someone they’d like to date because when they hit sites like Grindr, Adam4Adam, OKCupid, and even Craigslist, what they’re going to run into is a bunch of dudes wanting to hook up for sex… but, if you wanna get literal about it, um, if you agree to a date, time, and place for this hookup to take place, aren’t you going out on a date?

This is either a matter of semantics or intent, a matter of being PC about wanting to get out there and get some dick or not being so PC about it.  I’ve seen and/or have heard many bi guys admit that they’re not interested in having a relationship with another man and that’s fine… but why use a word that is synonymous with romance and relationships?  I mean, even if you’re looking for a steady fuck buddy, you can still hook up with a perspective guy and interview him and that process has nothing to do with dating as we tend to understand it.  You can even keep hooking up with a guy to do this or that – and even for sex – and it not be associated with any romantic intent to establish a long term relationship.  We tend to futz around with our words and, yes, even I do it; I will “go out” with a guy, I will “meet” him, “hook up with him” but, yeah, I wouldn’t say that I’m dating him but that’s because the word has a different meaning to me, that and I have heard people say, “Let’s hookup and go out on a date!” – using both words in the same sentence and breath.

So if the word “date” does, in fact, have romantic and relationship connotations to you, what’s wrong with using hookup if, in fact, all you’re really interested in is some quick, down and dirty sex?  Perhaps it would help if you didn’t look at “hookup” in the same way everyone else tends to; look at a hookup as simply getting together with someone for some purpose; now, whatever happens after you do hook up, well, that’s up to the two of you…

 
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Posted by on 17 September 2015 in Today's Bisexual Thoughts

 

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What I Haven’t Done

I was just ‘reminded’ of something that, as a bi guy, I either haven’t done or don’t remember ever doing:  I’ve never dated a guy.  The reason I bring this up is that I just read a blog written by someone (http://aetherbloom.wordpress.com/2014/05/08/going-both-ways/) who talked about how a person can’t be validated as being bisexual if they’ve never dated someone of their own gender – and for the purpose of this discussion, I’m talking about the gender binary; those folks who consider themselves outside of the binary, while respected, just confuse the issue at hand.

I’ve slept with men, even had a loving relationship with one… but I’ve never asked a guy out on a date, not in the sense I believe most people think of dating; I don’t think asking a guy if he’d want to go grab lunch or a cup of Joe so we can discuss, say, server configurations and without being bothered counts as a date.  The question that comes to my mind is why is dating being used as a validation method for bisexuals?  Is it assumed that if we like the same sex, we have to date the same sex?  What, if anything, does dating have to do with anything?  If I’m out and about and bump into a guy who then turns around and asks me if I’d like to go somewhere and have sex with him, is that a date?

What, you can’t take my word that I’m bisexual and that I am now required to do something to prove it?  I do remember, years ago, some guy tried to tell me that I couldn’t possibly be bisexual and I said to him that if he required proof, all he had to do was whip out his dick and I’d be happy to clear the matter up… which he wasn’t all that eager to do, of course.  What gets me, in moments like this, that even if I can provide proof of my bisexuality – like tell the doubter about all the pussy and dick I’ve had to date, stuff like that – why does the fact that I’ve had more pussy than dick seem to translate into, “Well, you could really be gay…?”  And if I had to date a guy in order to validate my sexuality to anyone – including myself – well, I’d be shit out of luck because I cannot honestly say that I’ve ever run across a man I would just love to date nor do I feel compelled in any way to date a guy, even if he were gay – and I say this without any insult meant to gay men.

I would suppose that dating has a purpose other than simply two people getting together and doing something (even if it isn’t sexual); it could be that my idea of dating and the generally accepted idea aren’t the same thing… or even close to it.  To me, dating these days has an intent; it’s like an interview for someone and with the possibility of further courtship that could lead to a relationship; it’s made me ask, “Don’t people just date because it’s something to do on a Friday night?”  What I’ve been reading over the last couple of years says that the answer to my question is, “No, they don’t…” like ‘dating’ and just ‘going out’ are, in fact, two very different things.  Even if it is, do I have to date “Carl” in order to validate my bisexuality?  Does it matter to anyone other than me that while I might be very interested in getting into “Carl’s” boxers, um, the thought of doing anything other than that isn’t on my list of things to do?  So, okay, I hit on “Carl” and he’s interested and we go somewhere, drain each other’s nuts dry, then go about our business; was that a date or merely a booty call?  If we decide to hook up again for more of the same, what makes this a dat? – does stopping at McDonald’s for a quick bite before we suck each other off make it a date?  Hell, if we skip the burger and fries and just handle the business, does that still count as a date?

Even better, um, wouldn’t the fact that Carl and I went after each other’s dick like starving men serve as enough proof of our sexuality when we could have been at home or otherwise with a woman?  You’d think it would but, no, there are those who are insisting that if I’m not “dating” Carl, then I can’t be bisexual.  This assumes that all bisexuals have that emotional affinity, that thing that wants to make us date people and with the purpose of romance and possibly a relationship; if you date, it’s for a mate.  Personally, I think using dating as an indicator/validation point is flawed and imprecise because, duh, a lot of bisexuals would rather have latrine duty than to actually go out and date/court someone who’s the same sex as they are – but I’m not saying that there aren’t bisexuals who do, in fact, date like this – I’m just not one of them and, no, I’m not alone in this mindset.

But maybe there are those who believe or have been made to believe that a lack of dating invalidates things?  I’ve read too many times where people have spoken about their feelings about bisexuality and have said while they don’t have any real issues with it, they don’t think they could be bi because they (a) couldn’t have a same-sex relationship or (b) couldn’t have a same-sex date… like either thing really has anything to do with being bisexual?  Again, it seems to be that there are those who want to look at bisexuality in the same way that heterosexuality and homosexuality are looked at and, in this, trying to make something stick to us that, at the least, some of us aren’t all that willing to have hanging off of us.  I actually don’t feel bad because I’ve never dated a guy, just like I don’t feel bad about not really liking guys the way I like women; I’ve had people tell me that I’m not bisexual because of my lack of that kind of liking… but it is what it is with me… and it doesn’t change the fact that, well, I’ve probably sucked more dick and fucked more male ass (and have been sucked and fucked) than the person doubting my credentials in this.

And all that I’ve done over these years can be invalidated because I don’t date men?  Eh, I don’t think so but I probably will keep wondering why others think this is the way it’s supposed to be for everyone…

 
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Posted by on 16 May 2014 in Life, Living and Loving

 

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