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Today’s Bisexual Thought: Dating or Hooking Up?

There are a lot of bi guys who are concerned about dating a guy and while I’d be the first to admit that I wouldn’t say that I’ve dated men, it gets me to wonder how guys look at dating, what it means to them to date someone and if there’s a purpose to dating other than to hook up with a guy.  There are times when I think that men think about dating in the same way they think about dating women and, yes, even if the only reason why we want to take them out is so we can get into their panties.  Depending on who you’re talking to, dating has a more romantic, relationship kind of vibe to it; we often use dating as a method to screen potential partners and, no, this time I don’t mean solely for sex; given this take on it, I’m often amused when I see and/or hear guys say that they’re not interested in hookups and are wondering what’s the best way to go about dating a guy when dating, as I’ve allowed, is more about a relationship than just going out with someone because you can go out with them.

So with this in mind, I tend to ask myself, “If you’re really not interested in having a relationship with a guy, uh, why do you want to date him?”  I think I can understand the semantics that are going on here, i.e., it’s a lot more PC to use “dating” than it is to use “hooking up” because the latter implies a sex-only interest and, well, now, we wouldn’t want some other dude to think that our only interest in them is sexual, do we?  Given that a lot of guys who are into guys aren’t really interested in dating or their situation doesn’t allow for such a protracted “getting to know you better” mode of interaction so while some guys might eschew “hooking up,” we don’t have much of a problem with substituting “hanging out” for dating and hooking up.

Now, I have agreed to meet with guys for lunch or coffee and they’ve actually said, “Cool!  It’s a date then!” and, honestly, I’ve not put much emphasis on the word because I grew up with the thought in mind that a date was nothing more than a specific day, time, and place to meet with someone for whatever activity might take place, from just sitting and talking to having sex and, yep, if the vibe is right, interviewing a candidate for a relationship; a date and what it might mean all depends on why you’re meeting this person… and if it’s because you wanna have sex with them at some point – and, often, more sooner than later, um, that’s generally called a hook up and not a date.

I’ve gone out with guys and simply because they asked (or I did), “Hey, you wanna hook up and do something tomorrow?” and, yeah, most of the time, it’s not immediately clear what that “something” is going to be; again, it could be anything from just talking to doing what we have in mind – and that’s provided that those sentiments weren’t already put out on the table.  Does it mean that we’re meeting solely for the purpose of having sex?  Nope, not always but even if sex is an item to be put on the table, it’s kinda nice to know a bit more about the other guy so hooking up with him – and, simply, the two of us getting in the same place at the same time – makes sense and is even more palatable than “dating” even if the word is being used colloquially.

Yep… I understand that “hooking up” has gotten a very bad reputation in the bi guy world because there are so many men out there who aren’t in the least bit interested in what type of guy you are; all they wanna know is can they get into your BVDs and can they do that in the next half-hour?  And it’s a sure bet that if you do let him in there, you’re probably never going to see him again unless he wants to get back in there again – but that’s not usually the case.  I think one of the things that tends to cause some confusion with these words is the fact that there are guys who are more relationship minded who wants to date as an interview technique and not necessarily to get their cookies crumbled right on the spot; they want to be with someone, be into someone, and then for the long term.  I’ll point out that a lot of these bi guys are often frustrated trying to find someone they’d like to date because when they hit sites like Grindr, Adam4Adam, OKCupid, and even Craigslist, what they’re going to run into is a bunch of dudes wanting to hook up for sex… but, if you wanna get literal about it, um, if you agree to a date, time, and place for this hookup to take place, aren’t you going out on a date?

This is either a matter of semantics or intent, a matter of being PC about wanting to get out there and get some dick or not being so PC about it.  I’ve seen and/or have heard many bi guys admit that they’re not interested in having a relationship with another man and that’s fine… but why use a word that is synonymous with romance and relationships?  I mean, even if you’re looking for a steady fuck buddy, you can still hook up with a perspective guy and interview him and that process has nothing to do with dating as we tend to understand it.  You can even keep hooking up with a guy to do this or that – and even for sex – and it not be associated with any romantic intent to establish a long term relationship.  We tend to futz around with our words and, yes, even I do it; I will “go out” with a guy, I will “meet” him, “hook up with him” but, yeah, I wouldn’t say that I’m dating him but that’s because the word has a different meaning to me, that and I have heard people say, “Let’s hookup and go out on a date!” – using both words in the same sentence and breath.

So if the word “date” does, in fact, have romantic and relationship connotations to you, what’s wrong with using hookup if, in fact, all you’re really interested in is some quick, down and dirty sex?  Perhaps it would help if you didn’t look at “hookup” in the same way everyone else tends to; look at a hookup as simply getting together with someone for some purpose; now, whatever happens after you do hook up, well, that’s up to the two of you…

 
7 Comments

Posted by on 17 September 2015 in Today's Bisexual Thoughts

 

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What I Haven’t Done

I was just ‘reminded’ of something that, as a bi guy, I either haven’t done or don’t remember ever doing:  I’ve never dated a guy.  The reason I bring this up is that I just read a blog written by someone (http://aetherbloom.wordpress.com/2014/05/08/going-both-ways/) who talked about how a person can’t be validated as being bisexual if they’ve never dated someone of their own gender – and for the purpose of this discussion, I’m talking about the gender binary; those folks who consider themselves outside of the binary, while respected, just confuse the issue at hand.

I’ve slept with men, even had a loving relationship with one… but I’ve never asked a guy out on a date, not in the sense I believe most people think of dating; I don’t think asking a guy if he’d want to go grab lunch or a cup of Joe so we can discuss, say, server configurations and without being bothered counts as a date.  The question that comes to my mind is why is dating being used as a validation method for bisexuals?  Is it assumed that if we like the same sex, we have to date the same sex?  What, if anything, does dating have to do with anything?  If I’m out and about and bump into a guy who then turns around and asks me if I’d like to go somewhere and have sex with him, is that a date?

What, you can’t take my word that I’m bisexual and that I am now required to do something to prove it?  I do remember, years ago, some guy tried to tell me that I couldn’t possibly be bisexual and I said to him that if he required proof, all he had to do was whip out his dick and I’d be happy to clear the matter up… which he wasn’t all that eager to do, of course.  What gets me, in moments like this, that even if I can provide proof of my bisexuality – like tell the doubter about all the pussy and dick I’ve had to date, stuff like that – why does the fact that I’ve had more pussy than dick seem to translate into, “Well, you could really be gay…?”  And if I had to date a guy in order to validate my sexuality to anyone – including myself – well, I’d be shit out of luck because I cannot honestly say that I’ve ever run across a man I would just love to date nor do I feel compelled in any way to date a guy, even if he were gay – and I say this without any insult meant to gay men.

I would suppose that dating has a purpose other than simply two people getting together and doing something (even if it isn’t sexual); it could be that my idea of dating and the generally accepted idea aren’t the same thing… or even close to it.  To me, dating these days has an intent; it’s like an interview for someone and with the possibility of further courtship that could lead to a relationship; it’s made me ask, “Don’t people just date because it’s something to do on a Friday night?”  What I’ve been reading over the last couple of years says that the answer to my question is, “No, they don’t…” like ‘dating’ and just ‘going out’ are, in fact, two very different things.  Even if it is, do I have to date “Carl” in order to validate my bisexuality?  Does it matter to anyone other than me that while I might be very interested in getting into “Carl’s” boxers, um, the thought of doing anything other than that isn’t on my list of things to do?  So, okay, I hit on “Carl” and he’s interested and we go somewhere, drain each other’s nuts dry, then go about our business; was that a date or merely a booty call?  If we decide to hook up again for more of the same, what makes this a dat? – does stopping at McDonald’s for a quick bite before we suck each other off make it a date?  Hell, if we skip the burger and fries and just handle the business, does that still count as a date?

Even better, um, wouldn’t the fact that Carl and I went after each other’s dick like starving men serve as enough proof of our sexuality when we could have been at home or otherwise with a woman?  You’d think it would but, no, there are those who are insisting that if I’m not “dating” Carl, then I can’t be bisexual.  This assumes that all bisexuals have that emotional affinity, that thing that wants to make us date people and with the purpose of romance and possibly a relationship; if you date, it’s for a mate.  Personally, I think using dating as an indicator/validation point is flawed and imprecise because, duh, a lot of bisexuals would rather have latrine duty than to actually go out and date/court someone who’s the same sex as they are – but I’m not saying that there aren’t bisexuals who do, in fact, date like this – I’m just not one of them and, no, I’m not alone in this mindset.

But maybe there are those who believe or have been made to believe that a lack of dating invalidates things?  I’ve read too many times where people have spoken about their feelings about bisexuality and have said while they don’t have any real issues with it, they don’t think they could be bi because they (a) couldn’t have a same-sex relationship or (b) couldn’t have a same-sex date… like either thing really has anything to do with being bisexual?  Again, it seems to be that there are those who want to look at bisexuality in the same way that heterosexuality and homosexuality are looked at and, in this, trying to make something stick to us that, at the least, some of us aren’t all that willing to have hanging off of us.  I actually don’t feel bad because I’ve never dated a guy, just like I don’t feel bad about not really liking guys the way I like women; I’ve had people tell me that I’m not bisexual because of my lack of that kind of liking… but it is what it is with me… and it doesn’t change the fact that, well, I’ve probably sucked more dick and fucked more male ass (and have been sucked and fucked) than the person doubting my credentials in this.

And all that I’ve done over these years can be invalidated because I don’t date men?  Eh, I don’t think so but I probably will keep wondering why others think this is the way it’s supposed to be for everyone…

 
5 Comments

Posted by on 16 May 2014 in Life, Living and Loving

 

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