So… one of the guys on the forum was riffing about the M2M dating scene and talking about how guys just aren’t interested in establishing any kind of relationship and preferring to just hit it and get ghost. A lot of guys chimed in on this one and addressing their own displeasure at this behavior and even tossing in the disease card and, methinks, perpetrating a bit of a myth that casual sex equals catching very nasty shit and like it’s a given.
I’m reading what the OP wrote, read the comments offered up, and asked myself, “Did I miss something?” and I asked myself this question because I was wondering when guys stopped being guys about stuff like this? Now, let’s not get any misunderstanding going here: There are guys who are relationship minded and simply because that works best for them. So I’m never gonna say that there aren’t bi guys out there looking for a bi guy to call his own; safer, convenient, and even justifiable.
Doesn’t change the fact that there are guys who want the sex… and just the sex, that and there’s something… weird going on here in that guys are becoming more and more adamant about dating and with the same expectations, i.e., a date with a guy is really an interview for suitability in a relationship setting. And it seems it’s being assumed that if a guy agrees to go out on a date with you, he’s gotta be interested in more than just having sex with you because that’s what and how you’re expecting him to behave.
The guys on this topic/post were riffing about all those guys who just want to get their shit off and, thanks for the good time, no need for us to do this again… and some guys feel this is just so fucked up and I’m wondering why they’re expecting men to behave in a way that, in my experiences, they very rarely do. Yes… some guys are looking for that FWB they can be exclusive with… most guys just want to get their dicks hard and make them soft again and without any further involvement… unless you’re gonna let them get at you again… but let’s just keep it in a sex-only kind of mode, okay?
Some guys aren’t able to engage in anything other than sex and I don’t quite understand why guys are having a problem understanding this. Guys aren’t exactly what anyone would call being out and a lot of guys are already in a relationship with someone and since they don’t have permission to get some dick/ass on the side, well, that’s why the DL exists so that “Herb” can get the dick/ass he needs and, hopefully, without anyone being the wiser.
I recall – and, yup, in yet another of those back in the day moments – talking to a guy about this dick thing and what the appeal, at the time, really was and the biggest bullet point was that guys were getting with each other because it was convenient and that you didn’t have to go through all the stuff that one had to do with women in order to get their rocks off.
No dating, no promises of seeing each other beyond that moment, no compromising, very few if any conditions, stuff like that. Indeed, things got to the point where a lot of guys were finding out that getting with a guy was just easier than trying to convince a woman to let you do her and more so when a relationship, for whatever reason, wasn’t wanted or possible.
It is, indeed, something women just don’t like about us – we have that “ability” to want and have sex without anything that even looks like a relationship being in play and, well, even I know that we’re like this, not because some of us don’t want a relationship but, sure, we want – and need – to have sex and not much more than that; we’re hard-wired for it and women have been busy doing their best to get us out of that hard-wired behavior because, duh, it doesn’t fit their view of things.
And now there are guys who are behaving the same way… and these guys aren’t gay – you almost and kinda expect gay men to behave in this way and, yep, it’s also one of the reason why some gay men despise bi guys because, sure, we’ll give up the dick or our asses… and that’s about all that’s gonna happen, thank you very much. It’s another one of those things that, from where I’m sitting and observing, I’m not sure if this is a good or bad thing but to listen to some of the fellas, “guys being guys” is a very bad thing these days.
I think about all those guys who constantly and consistently say that they can’t find a man to get their groove on with… and what they may really be saying is that they can’t find a man who’d want to be in a relationship with them in order to get their groove on… and I’m not sure why they find this to be unusual – it’s like they’ve somehow forgotten what men are like, if that makes sense and in the way I just wrote it.
The dynamic is changing in some interesting and curious ways and the one thing I’m seeing a lot of is expectations failing to match up – or even be remotely close – to a reality that, in my mind, has always existed: Men want to have sex and in the least complicated way they can manage to do so. Women, again historically, make getting laid complicated but if you really know anything about women, you kinda understand why they do and we accept it even when we don’t always agree with it – it’s just the way it is and the way it always and usually has been; you could walk up to a woman and ask her to have sex with you… and you might survive it after she shreds your ass for having the nerve to ask her… or you might just get lucky and she wants to get laid – and without the complications of having a relationship.
And now, it seems that bi guys, in particular, are behaving in a similar manner, making me feel like I’ve missed something but, nope, pretty sure that what I’ve been seeing is some real-deal shit: Bi guys just don’t want to conveniently get some dick/ass – they want it along with a relationship of some kind; it’s no longer “good enough” to get some cock from “any” guy who’s willing to let them at it and the current level of justification for this change is the risk of catching something nasty…
When, in fact, that’s still quite possible even with a relationship in place which is also why there’s more of a push for exclusivity taking place; that doesn’t remove any risk – at best, it minimizes the risks inherent with sex – and sex with anyone. I don’t know if, again, this is some kind of normalization taking place that, if for no other reason, might make bisexuality in anyone more socially acceptable… or there’s some very serious script-flipping going on.
And the key thing is dating and what it implies. Once upon a time, you went on a date with someone just to be with them and share that moment in time with or without sex – just two people hanging out because they could hang out, nothing more or less. But we know – or should know – that women, in particular, date for a reason… and it’s not always because they wanna get laid. Well, maybe they do… but dating a guy is a test for homeboy and a lot of women are totally pissed about dating because guys wind up being their idea of a dud – and even when they give homey da booty… then gets ghost, trashing her hopes for something a bit more binding and lasting. Maybe not marriage but more than just a one night stand – unless, again, that’s all she’s really interested in.
Bi guys are wanting to date with a purpose now and the main purpose is to not have a one night stand – that’s just unacceptable and, it seems, a lot of guys are getting totally bummed out because guys are still being guys: Let’s just get the dicks out, use them on each other in some way, and go on about our respective business afterward and thanks – that’s just what the doctor ordered. And if I don’t see you again, it’s not personal… and guys are starting to take it very personally, it seems.
And I’m not sure why – have they really forgotten how guys can be about this? Have they really forgotten about this thing about us that, again, women don’t really like about us? That we can have mad crazy sex with someone and chances are nothing else will come of it – and the pun is certainly intended here? Or are we – bi guys – becoming of a mind that if “Ralph” is looking for a bi guy to call his own, then any and every man “Ralph” checks out has to be of the same mind and purpose?
And when a lot of guys ain’t feeling that with other guys and sometimes the reason they ain’t feeling it is because a relationship is or can be a “complication” in their lives and there’s no room for it or, in their minds, no need for it. Like with my protege; the guys he routinely deals with want him to be exclusive to them and them alone… he’s just not feeling any of that. His idea of FWB is actually the “original” version of it: All of the perks, none of the responsibilities needed and required in a real relationship. We can hang out together and do non-sexual stuff but, sure, if the need arises, we can do that, too, if ya want to; if not, it’s still all good – see ya next weekend if you’re free.
Not anymore, it seems. I find it all very curious and interesting. I don’t really have a personal opinion either way but, yeah, this is amazing and so very different from the dynamic I grew up with and experienced for so very long. I get it… and not so much and that’s probably why I feel like I’ve missed something. We’re taking casual, recreational sex off the table; like I said, it’s no longer good enough that two guys can get together with the sole purpose of getting each other off and calling it a day and, sure enough, a great departure from the dynamic I was used to.
Dating sucks and as a whole lot of people are finding out. Ask any woman who’s dated a guy and she’ll be happy to tell you how much it sucks and more so when homey turns out not to be the one to kinda/sorta settle down with… and now bi guys are finding out the same thing… and something that, I think, they should be very much aware of because, um, they’re guys themselves.
Or are we forgetting this? Could it be that what it “means to be a dude” is changing? Damned if I know… I just find it very interesting to see how bi guys are reacting to dating other men and, duh, finding it not to their liking. Women have got to be laughing their cute asses off because guys are finding out what they’ve always known:
Some of us are just sex-crazed assholes with some kind of built-in aversion to being relationally committed to someone… or anyone for that matter. Where, once upon a time, a guy diving into the pool of bisexuality served to take care of his hard-wired need to have sex and, again, without being put through the wringer and as women are wont to do, well, shit’s changing it looks like. So why are some guys so… surprised when guys are still acting like the guys a lot of women still don’t like? Dating men sucks? Of course it does – again, ask any woman about how much it sucks and never in a good way.
What do these guys really expect? It’s not as if it’s all that unknown that there are a slew of bi guys who are, in fact, not “being bi” because they can’t see themselves having a relationship with another guy; be friends, sure; maybe be “fuck buddies;” okay, we can do that as long as it doesn’t get any more serious than that. Like you enough to want to get naked with you? Sure, entirely possible; be your boyfriend? Not even gonna happen, fella, and I’ve heard guys say, “That’s what women are for…” and, no, ladies, that’s not as offensive as it sounds: It’s just that women are better suited for romance, love, and stuff like that… where guys, until here of late, are – or were – best suited to just being guys and in formerly sex-only terms.
Wanna get into a bro-job situation? Sure, no problem – we’re bros and we understand that among us, needs must. Wait… you’re looking for a boyfriend of sorts? Whoa… hold up for a minute! I like you… but I don’t like you that much. What, you don’t like that I’m a “bro” to other guys? How and why is that a problem? It’s not like we’re married or some shit like that! And why do you wanna ruin what’s been a good thing for the both of us by making things more serious than they have to be?
As I’ve been saying about this, I get it… and I don’t. I don’t have a problem with these… changes in the dynamic but I am fascinated by them. Even women are able to say – now – that a guy can have their body but if they want their heart, well, he’s gonna have to put in some serious work to get it. And now, it seems, guys are saying it, too… and getting quite disillusioned and disappointed because you’re not gonna get their body until you win their heart and if you do happen to get it, you’d better not vanish like smoke in the wind after you get it.
Or, don’t you dare act like a guy, man…. Guys are bitching about the foibles of dating other guys… but should they be?
Fuck if I know.