Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: Twitter… Wow

Yesterday must have been “Worldwide Horny Day” or something on Twitter… not that they don’t seem to celebrate that on a daily basis but as I checked my feed for news on the games I play, new games coming out and, of course, what they’re saying about bisexuality, in between those items, there were a great many clips of men having sex with men… and Black men, at that… and some of the stuff I saw was posted by women.

Guys jerking off alone or with, ah, a companion or two or three; guys sucking dick or being face fucked and taking down loads of spunk and, yup, guys getting screwed; toss in some rather steamy threesome scenes with women all up in the mix where some gal was getting the high hard one and there’s a second guy not only licking on her pussy as she’s being screwed, he’s not ignoring the dick inside of her.

Some of the comments I happened to see were along the lines of some saying they wish they could throw it down in the way the various clips displayed but the one that caught my attention was the comment attached to a clip of two guys who were jerking off and had cum all over each other… and a woman said that she should have been there to lick up all that cum.

It had me thinking two things. The first is the perpetual lie that there’s no such thing as a Black male bisexual; the other was that no woman in her right mind would have anything to do with a bi guy… and I also thought that anyone who thinks like this probably doesn’t have a Twitter account because if they did, there’s a good chance that they might see those two myths get totally busted. In my own “defense,” as it were, I have to say that I’m sure I wound up with these things on my feed because someone followed me for some reason and when they retweet stuff – and this stuff in particular, well, it’s on my feed; I thought about getting rid of it but I didn’t because since the homemade stuff does, in fact, speak to same-sex sex whether it’s between men or the ladies are getting it on.

And, often, in some eye-popping ways, I might add. One clip even had me thinking, “Holy shit!” to see this guy going to town eating a woman’s coochie… out on the street, in broad daylight, and with people passing by and I guess someone thought to whip out their cellphone and video what was going on. Homey was going for it and eating everything she owned down there but the thing that also caught my attention was the look she had on her face… like such things weren’t all that unusual but may have been… embarrassed – maybe. As the clip continued, you could hear people commenting in the background and a few cheering the guy on and I thought that I’m pretty bold and daring… but not that bold and daring here in my older age.

As I scrolled past the last of the clips, I scoffed at the persistent myths mentioned above and had the thought that the people seen in the clips could have been bi or gay but that those designations didn’t matter a whole lot when you just stop and pay attention to what was being done. Pussies being eaten; dicks being sucked; pussies and male asses being fucked with a smattering of heterosexual sex tossed in because, well, why not? It all had my mind taking a trip in my internal time machine and back to a time where I’d hear a lot of Black men and women speaking out in outraged terms about that “gay shit” that was so repulsive… but knowing that when no one else was looking (metaphorically speaking), yeah… they were getting it in like nobody’s business. If you knew what they were into and asked them about it, they’d categorically deny it even if your source was beyond reproach.

Image is still everything. Because of that “all Blacks are homophobic” thing, I’m not all that surprised that it’s believed that there’s no such animal as a Black who isn’t homophobic even though, when I was growing up, I saw a lot of Blacks who were quite gay and that, all by itself, exposed the lie that a lot of people were believing even back then.

Sometimes I’ll see such a clip and the person posting it will actually say something to dispel the lie; they’ll also say that sexual acts between men would be… less stressful if women were able to understand that if it’s okay for them to do each other, it doesn’t make what men do any less wrong. Sometimes – and as mentioned – women will tweet clips of men getting busy with each other and they’re all onboard with it and many of the ladies who tweet often speak to being able to find a guy who is down with sex with other guys so they can get in on the fun… and in both cases, the people making these statements are… Black.

Which is not to say that anyone who isn’t Black is just sitting on the sidelines or looking the other way because they sure as hell aren’t. They’re either posting tweets of their own or can be seen all up in the mix as well and sometimes things get interracial and, lest I forget, transgenders aren’t left out of things and as evidenced by my seeing quite a few Black “men” who clearly weren’t born that way and also evidenced by the scars that showed that these former women had their breasts removed… but kept their coochie.

I kinda laughed to myself as I thought that if those people who don’t believe that bisexuality is real were to see what I tend to see, they might change their minds about that… but I also “sobered up” to think that you could put bisexuality on full display and right in their face… and their response would be one of those, “Yeah, but…” things and would insist that what they bore witness to wasn’t what it was.

Belief is a very powerful thing… but so is denial. I can recall a great many times when a white person has asked me, “Is it true that all Blacks are homophobic?” and I’ve responded that, no, it isn’t true that all of us are. The truth is that some of us are genuinely homophobic and for whatever reason they are. Also true is that there are some of us who will tell you that they’re homophobic but, nah, not so much behind closed doors. In one situation, I happened to see a very gay Black man at the moment a white person asked me this question and I pointed to them and said, “You see that guy over there? That’s the proof that we’re not all as homophobic as we’re said to be.”

And the person I was talking to actually said that the gay man we both saw was a on-off exception… because that’s what they wanted to believe and they stuck with that even when three more very gay men joined the first guy and were chatting away… and I was incredulous at their insistence that four gay men were an exception to the “rule” they believed to be true. Even on Twitter, a lot of Blacks are proactively letting anyone who cares to read their tweet that Blacks are and can be bisexual. It makes me say, “Duh…” to myself and for obvious reasons but it makes me kinda sad that Black folks have to make declarations about their bi-ness to those who aren’t willing or able to accept that anyone and regardless to race, color, creed, age, etc., can be bisexual.

You can tell the truth… but you can’t make people accept it. I’ve forgotten all of the times when I’ve revealed my sexuality to someone and I’ve gotten told, “You don’t look like the type” or, a few times, “But, you’re Black!” Well, yeah, this tan I have is rather permanent but such exclamations only served to prove that people will believe a lie before they accept the truth… that and I still don’t know what “the type” looks like but I also know that for many people, “the type” means flamboyantly homosexual which does explain why I don’t look like the type as well as “shocking” some folks to find out that I’m Black and not even anywhere near being homophobic.

That kinda defeats the purpose of being bisexual, I think, which I most certainly am. Whenever Cityman and I talk about this particular myth and bisexuality as a whole, he asks what has to happen in order for this to be acceptable by society and the only answer I can think of is that society, as a whole, has to be able to suspend their belief that there are other things people can be that isn’t heterosexual and then find a way to get themselves out of the denial involved. Anyone can be homophobic; it knows no boundaries in this but the fact and truth is that not everyone is homophobic and are of a mind that being this way is pretty fucked up and doesn’t speak well about someone’s mental faculties to not believe in something that is obviously true. I’ve often had to point out to people that just because you don’t believe in something doesn’t make whatever that is unbelievable and just because you think it’s wrong doesn’t mean that it is wrong.

And I’m thinking – and have always thought – that if being bisexual or otherwise not being straight is wrong, well, there are a lot of people around the world who are quite wrong… but not everyone who isn’t straight can’t be wrong. One person might be… but everyone? I’m thinking that this is a lot more impossible than believing that bisexuality isn’t real or, ha-ha, there’s no such thing as a Black bisexual, male or female… and Twitter has the proof and, um, graphically so.

 

Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: The Sexual Side of Bisexual

Yeah, that. The thing that tends to make some folks want to soil themselves just hearing about it, let along trying to imagine it. The thing that also tends to blind those folks looking for wet wipes so much that they can only see one side of a two-sided thing. Also the thing that gave birth to a double standard I first heard of way back in 1965 and is still alive and well today.

The thing that gets some folks all fucked up in the head because, on the one hand, having sex is quite natural and normal but, on the other, eh, not so much when the participants are of the same sex and now it’s deemed to be unnatural and very much abnormal because, well, you probably already know why.

“I just don’t understand why guys would even want to have sex with another guy!“

It’s not that hard to understand if, by chance, you happen to know anything about guys and that biological imperative hard-wired into us and you don’t automatically think about what men are supposed to do when it comes to having sex. It’s not so much about being gay or whatever your orientation happens to be even though, when it comes to bi guys, this is the part that gets all of the attention and sometimes in that train wreck kind of way: You don’t wanna look but you look anyway and, for this, saying, “Ew, that’s nasty!” is a typical response but one of the things I noticed was that one could see some straight sex happening and not think it’s all that nasty and, to mention the double standard I also mentioned, if it’s two girls going at it, hmm, not all that nasty.

“Well, if two guys are fucking, they have to be gay and into each other like that!“

Um, no, not really. Two main things in this are wanting to do it and getting up the intestinal fortitude to actually do it but, yeah, okay, if you happen to like the guy, so much the better. When Cityman and I get to talking about this the one thing I keep pointing out to him is that at the root of this, it’s “Hey, do you wanna do it? I do if you do!” and, of course, “I won’t tell if you won’t!” When it comes to boys being boys, there’s always that onset of puberty and that rush of hormones to take into consideration and when you combine that with that the taboo nature of boys having sex, well, hmm, um, it makes sense that some of us wind up checking out each other before chasing girls. Indeed, I’ve heard adults say that boys being boys is just “practice” for having sex with girls which, if nothing else, is a polite thing to say when our hormones come online and our testes drop into place and those urges get to running around inside of us.

It isn’t to say that all boys dive into that experimental phase but, yeah, a lot of us do and to bake your noodle even further, some of us don’t “experiment” until we’re middle-aged adults and even then experiments are conducted because they missed out on the early part of things. It kinda breaks down to two type of guys: The ones who obey the rules and the ones who say, “Fuck the rules! I wanna know all about this!”

“Guys don’t have any good reason to be sucking each other’s dick!“

Yeah, we do… that shit feels good. It feels way better than beating our meat. Bill Cosby, before he became very much hated, once said in a routine that he thought there was some entity whose job it was to tell kids things they had no business knowing and one of the first “illicit” things we heard about is the blow job and to make this even funnier, one of my friends said that he wanted to give me a blow job and literally blew a blast of air on my cheek but said, “I don’t think that was right.” It wasn’t… but it sure was funny. I don’t know about other guys but under the “children should be seen and not heard” rule, I’d often heard adult males talking about the blow job and sucking dick and, most of the time, they were oblivious to the fact that us young’uns were right there taking it all in.

We wanna play show and tell with our dicks; you show me yours, I’ll show you mine. if you let me touch yours, you can touch mine and, yeah, sometimes, even more of an exciting thing to do when we’re told to not let anyone touch us “down there.” Well, why? Let’s find out! Doesn’t always lead to mouth meeting dick but, yeah, uh-huh – wow, when I kiss your ding-dong, it stands right up! How about that! Feels funny to do it but kinda feels good, too!

I know guys who got caught doing stuff like this and whoever busted them said, “Where did you learn that from?” Sometimes, um, it’s just something we seem to know and no one told us or showed us anything about it and doing it sounds like a good idea, you know, as long as no one catches us but if you wanted to point to a source, it’s something we learn and teach each other. Like the guy who showed me how to jerk myself off? I still don’t know how he knew how to do that… but he showed me and I turned right around and showed the other guys. And, wow, isn’t it fun when we can do that in front of each other? Ain’t it fun to do that to each other? Feels weird but, yeah, it sure feels good!

And, you betcha: If you kiss and suck my ding-dong, it really feels good and if I do the same to you, yup – that feels good, too! Makes you get that really funny, tingly feeling and it’s so… different you can get a bad case of the giggles and, sure, can you make it feel like that again? True enough, for some guys, it’s all fun and games until that funny feeling shows up and now, uh, maybe we shouldn’t have done that and we should stop, well, for the moment.

Like most guys, I had my first ejaculatory experience with a girl and it was a doozy to end all doozies… and I couldn’t wait to tell and show my male friends that I could now shoot the feared and dreaded baby-making stuff! What does it feel like? Even better… what does it taste like? Let’s find out! Well, yuck; it’s all warm and sticky and not sure that it tastes all that good… but, boy, didn’t it feel good to make it come out? And, yeah, it wasn’t that much of a stretch to figure out that if you could stick it in a girl and make the stuff come out, you could stick it in a boy’s behind and the same thing would happen and if you were the one getting it stuck in you, wow – that feels good but weird but good!

Did we know we were doing the one thing boys weren’t supposed to do? You bet your ass we knew it… which made doing it even more fun. Again, not all males participated in what could be called a rite of passage but those of us who did knew we were onto something. And while many, um, early adopters got to a point where the experiment was over for them, a lot of us just kept it going and we fell into two categories: Those who’d only do this with other guys and those who did it with guys and gals because, well, it was much more fun that way.

It’s sex. Just not sex the way it’s supposed to be done.

“You gotta be some kind of pervert…“

That’s what everyone thinks but the truth we still don’t wanna know about or can come to terms with is that you can have sex with guys, girls, or both. If you like it with someone who’s the same sex as you are, does that mean you’re gay? We say that’s the case but it never was which, I guess, explains why here in 2021, people are so very much freaked out over bisexuality because, on the one hand, it is quite gay… and not so much. We’ve always had that “train wreck” thing going on about homosexuals so, in a way, it explains why those who are saying that bisexuality isn’t real tends to pay more attention to the homosexual side than the heterosexual side. It’s just nasty and dirty – and for no good reason – for two guys to be sucking and fucking each other when, in fact, there is good reason for it and, simply, because it can be done… and it has always been done.

“Why go there at all?“

Um, because having sex feels good and as many bisexuals who have taken the plunge has learned, it doesn’t really make that much of a difference if the person you’re having sex with is male or female, personal preferences notwithstanding. We can get all into the emotional aspects and, these days, we insist that this part has more and greater meaning than the physical part of this does… and that’s not always the case. It’s sex. Okay, it’s not “pretty” to look at and even I will admit that you have to have a certain aesthetic sense to see the beauty of two guys going at each other but it’s not supposed to look good: It’s supposed to feel good and it very much feels good to do whatever is preferred or, really, whatever it takes to cause orgasms and ejaculation. We might not feel all that sporty after the fact but during it?

Sex is powerful. It not only involves the physical but can unlock some emotional stuff. A guy having sex with another guy can learn some very interesting stuff about himself and some of it can be quite unnerving and as indicated by the many men who has sex with other guys and wind up feeling very… girly. Now, this sentiment isn’t mean to offend or insult women but one of the things us bi guys find out is what it’s like to “be the girl” in a sexual situation with a guy. What does it feel like to be fucked? Yeah, we know the answer to that one and understand that it is such a complex thing that for those of us who like being fucked, the best we can say is, “It feels good.” The real answer is much deeper than that on the emotional side of things… and on the physical side, well, women have a G-spot… and so do guys and in the form of our prostate and, um, okay, having a hard dick – or a finger or two – in there and making contact with our prostate, um, yeah, that a weird kind of feeling that doesn’t kinda feel good but does feel good.

Because it’s supposed to feel good. It’s just that with guys, well, hmm, there’s only one way to get to the prostate and, um, ew. I think that if there’s one thing that freaks people out, this is it. Here’s the thing that makes me get that look on my face: Some guys have zero qualms about fucking a woman in the ass (if she likes it that way) but watch how they’d react if you told them they could do the same thing to a guy… and, to them, that’s different. And if you wanna think about that one for a moment, go ahead.

We are so very much stuck in that place that says that men should never have sex with each other; there’s no reason to, not with a world filled with women and, forgive me, they’re the only people we’re allow and supposed to have sex with. It’s not that we don’t know that guys have sex with other guys because, duh, we do know it but, for the life of me, I don’t really understand how we can know this, know that the rules that makes this taboo is really bullshit, but still look at it as not being bullshit. We beat our heads against a great many walls trying to figure out why a guy would want to have sex with other guys and ascribing a whole lot of reasons for it… while not giving a whole lot of thought about that hard-wired thing we’re all born with… and the thing that social conditioning seeks to suppress in us and, might I add, with not much success in that area.

We can have sex with each other… because we can – it’s not impossible. Just a very real question of whether or not a guy would want to. Some don’t, won’t, and never will… and some just do and for whatever reason that makes sense to them up to and including, “I just need to get off, ya know? I could go jerk off but that gets old after a while and sometimes barely takes the edge off… but if a guy were to suck my dick? Yeah… that’ll work. Shit, it’ll work even if he jerks me off!” To bottom-line it, it really is mind over matter and in the sense that if you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.

And it just freaks a lot of people out and another thing that cracks me up is that there are people – and regardless to sexuality – who are into some stuff that makes two guys sucking each other off look tame by comparison. Again, there are a lot of people who are beating their heads against walls trying to figure out what the fuck is going on with bisexuals in this and coming up with all kinds of stuff… but not looking at the root cause:

We’re human. Equipped and hard-wired to have sex and not just for the purpose of procreation. Social conditioning does everything it can to suppress this in us by imposing rules and conditions that many do, in fact, follow – and might I say, religiously so? – and the facts of the matter is that it either doesn’t get suppressed or the conditioning gets broken because as someone famous said, “Needs must.” We get… prudishly funny about boys being boys but not so much about girls being girls and, really, knowing what is known about males, who can really blame them for wanting and needing to have sex with each other? Not the way it’s supposed to happen but let’s say women are “guilty” with reason, Your Honor. But even here, the reality is for two women having sex with each other, yup – that feels pretty damned good. And if neither of them mind, it never matters.

Or, like I said to one guy, “Do you really believe that when girls have sleepovers, all the they do is gossip and sleep? And do you really think that’s all guys do when they have sleepovers? Really?”

I sometimes find myself telling folks that if they don’t know why men would have sex with each other, they surely don’t know a whole lot about men and like they think they do… but, at a higher level, if you don’t know why people can and will get into same-sex sex, um, perhaps you don’t know as much about humans as you think you do and you obviously don’t understand that the rules against such things have never been 100% obeyed. Not then and not now. One doesn’t have to if they don’t want to… but if they do? As Cityman loves to say, “Why not?”

“Why go both ways? Isn’t one way enough?“

Yes… and hell, no. Bisexuals are seen as being greedy and, yes, I heard this way back in my youth so the sentiment ain’t all that new. It implies that there is such a thing as too much sex and sexual intimacy and there are limits to how much sex one is allowed to have, conditionally or situationally. Bisexuals know this is, well, bullshit because good sex is where you find it… and you can find it with males, females, or both. Yes, if there’s some “being into” going on, all well and good but sometimes, ya just do it like this just because it can be done this way and serves the purpose. I’m horny and the guy I’m hanging with is horny; we’re both there, feeling the same way and, sure, we could go our own separate ways and go hunting for a woman who, if we’re lucky, will want to have sex with us but, then again, there’s that whole blue balls things that just does not feel good at all and, well, hmm, if we were to suck each other’s dick and make each other cum, that solves a couple of things, doesn’t it – and I won’t tell if you won’t. And if anyone asks, well, I have no idea what you’re talking about!

There are those who, again, insist that bisexuality shouldn’t be about the sex… and I very much beg to differ with them because it is about the sex and which thing takes precedence depends on who you happen to be talking to and how their bisexuality works for them. You don’t have to be all up in it for the sex alone… but you sure as hell can. It’s sex and us humans? We love our sex and some of us ain’t all that picky about who we’re having it with; a guy or a gal doesn’t matter a whole lot because sex is fun and good.

Cityman asks what it would take to remove the stigma against same-sex stuff and the answer is that we have to be able to look at sex for what it is and not the way it’s supposed to be. We have to change our collective minds about it and that’s not going to happen “all at once” but you can bet anything you care to that in every moment in every day, someone – male or female – is finding out that having sex in the same-sex mode ain’t as bad as everyone else says it is. Someone somewhere in the world is learning that going both ways doesn’t mean that they’re being greedy or any of that other bullshit – it’s just another way to have sex and added onto the way we’re supposed to.

You just gotta want to. You gotta get up the nerve and courage to take the rules and put them into a wood chipper and you really do have to know and understand that even in this, having sex is normal and natural… because if it wasn’t, we wouldn’t be having sex like this at all. I tell Cityman that the biggest stumbling block in place about this is the power of belief and that we continue to believe something that the evidence proves otherwise. Boys have sex with boys and not just because they’re gay any more than girls have sex with girls because they’re lesbians. And until we can get our collective heads around these truths, there will always be those people who won’t be able to wrap their heads around the sexual part of bisexual. Hearts not parts is all well and good…

But the parts are and can be a lot of fun to partake in.

 

Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: Training Wheels

One of the first things and among the many things I heard about “those crazy switch-hitters” was that they went around screwing every- and anything above room temperature. The word was that if you ran into some like this, they were gonna do their best to have sex with you and if you were a guy, you were gonna get turned into a sissy or a very swishy, limp-wristed faggot. It was bad enough that homophobia was “all the rage” and, as such, just standing next to a guy, well, you could feel the nervous energy flowing off of him and his anxiety trying to figure out how to move further away without being too obvious about creating some space.

Still, a lot of guys wanted to know what it was like to have sex with a man and sometimes simply because guys knew what gay men were into and, as many would say, they couldn’t figure out what was so attractive and sexy about it; I’d hear a lot of guys say, “I don’t know why some dude would want to suck another dude’s dick!” – and it would be all I could do not to either laugh or shake my head in sadness to see that they were incapable of making the rather obvious connection. When I’d find myself having The Conversation with a curious kind of guy, the next thing I knew I could expect would come in the form of a question: “How do you do that?”

You might be smiling or even laughing but it’s not a joke and, at least for now, I’m not trying to be funny. If they didn’t ask how to do a thing, they’d ask what they should do… and now it was time to get into the part of the conversation covering baby steps. One of the things I had observed and experienced were guys thinking or believing that diving right in and doing it all was (1) the thing to do and (2) it was easy, only to get disabused and sometimes traumatized to some degree and more so in the situations where a guy would admit he’d never done it like this and it was his first time… and the guy he was talking to pretty much put him through the wringer with all that could be done instead of suggesting that, um, hmm, you know, you might want to start off easy instead of jumping right to having a dick in your ass.

A guy would ask me, “What should I do?” and having heard so many horror stories from other guys, I’d tell them that the best way to proceed is to start with the little things before graduating to the bigger things and beginning with being comfortable with being naked with another man. You might think that this should be a no-brainer and more so when, in school, we had gym together and shared a locker room and even shared a shower room so why wouldn’t a guy be comfortable? It’s different; being naked in the shower room with a bunch of guys isn’t the same as being naked with a guy and you’re about to try to have sex with him. The rampant homophobia played a huge role in ramping up a guy’s sense of modesty and if you could see how many guys would be in the shower after gym – and trying to hide themselves – well, you get the idea.

Once a guy could get comfortable with being naked with another guy, the next thing to get comfortable with is simply touching and being touched… and I’m not even talking about touching each other’s dick at this point. I remember reading, a long time ago, that we wear clothes as a kind of armor and to protect our nakedness… and not just from the elements. Being naked in front of someone can make one feel very vulnerable and can be, in a sexual context, quite scary; touching a guy on his arm is enough to make him break every standing high jump record known to mankind. I’m not necessarily talking about kissing and cuddling but I’ve found it can be… calming just to hold the guy in my arms and nothing more than that since, for a lot of guys, being naked and that close to another guy can be daunting, to be nice about it and even more so if they’ve never been all that comfortable being naked.

Just being close and touching each other is, I think, an important baby step and one that will lend itself to eventually reaching down and touching each other’s cock and balls. Even that’s not a no-brainer of sorts and if you happened to think that touching another guy’s junk is easy – and because you’ve spent some time touching your own – well, no – not always. At this point, I have to back up just a little bit because I realized that I left something out of sequence: A big baby step is to just pull your dick out and start jerking off and with the other guy doing the same thing and you don’t even need to take your clothes off… but I’d advise it. Just seeing another guy’s dick and watching him do something that you also do can go a long way to gaining the comfort that’s needed to do anything else… but making yourself watch what he’s doing can get interesting because of the ancient prohibitions about looking at another man’s body to begin with.

From there, jerking each other off is next baby step… and having another guy’s dick in your hand is probably one of the strangest things a first timer can experience when putting on the training wheels. I don’t know too many of us who hasn’t been with a friend in younger days and playing “Show me” and it didn’t, at some point, get to the, “Can I touch it?” part but, yeah, some guys never experienced this so to find yourself sitting close to another guy and you both are touching each other’s dick, yep, that can be unsettling but after the first touches, it’s not that difficult to get used to. While some guys get to this step and go no further – a boatload of reason why they don’t – now comes the really hard part: When mouth meets dick. With the exception of any guy who has never had his dick sucked, you’d think that those who had wouldn’t feel some kind of way about having a guy’s mouth around his dick… and they do… because it’s another guy.

It can be a polarizing moment and can also get pretty embarrassing and in those situations, that’s usually enough to make a guy not want to experience any of this at all; I can’t begin to count the number of times I’ve lowered my head to a guy’s cock… and got shot in the face. Or the other guy is so nervous that he can’t even get hard and that, in particular, is something some guys are very much afraid of, which is why it’s important to get him to relax and breathe and, closing his eyes also works. But, as I’ve written many, many times, having a guy sucking on your dick is one thing… and a whole different animal to attempt to suck his and even when a guy is of a mind that, yeah, he can do this. In my opinion, it is the moment of truth to end all moments of truth and while a lot of guys really do say, “Fuck it!” and go for it, many more have said, “Fuck it… I can’t do this!”

Yeah, it’s not that easy.

The biggest part of putting on a guy’s training wheels doesn’t have anything to do with having sex: It’s talking to him because in order to have sex with him, you have to get past everything he’s been taught, told, and/or believes about this and that’s not even close to being easy and no matter how eager he might be to find out about this. And then, talking to him truthfully and with huge helpings of reality; you have to address his fears and concerns and, even more difficult, taking all of the horror stories he’s probably heard and putting them into perspective. Yes, sometimes, this can go very wrong and I’m not gonna lie to you about that… but I also know how to not make things go wrong and I’ll tell you what I’ve learned. And the most important thing to talk about is: You can stop whenever you want to and without fear of reprisal. There is no pressure to do this and if you can’t or don’t want to, just don’t; this is how the horror stories are born. And you gotta know that if the two of us aren’t going to do anything – and, perhaps, you have someone else in mind – take it to heart that there’s a good chance he’s not going to explain it to you like I’ve been explaining it.

Yeah… a kind of peer pressure does play into this and some guys looking to take a new guy’s cherry in this aren’t so much thinking about the very scared new guy and, I found, forgetting the they, too, had a first time. It’s important to explain, while the training wheels are being installed, that none of this has anything to do with being manly or lacking manliness; guys have been having sex with each other since time immemorial and, no, just because you want to doesn’t ever mean that if you do, you’re going to turn into a gay guy.

Yes – that is a very real concern and one that has to be dealt with. There is so much that goes into a guy putting on his training wheels and more so when this is one of those moments where you really and truly learn that thinking and doing are not the same things. It’s okay to be afraid; it’s okay to be uncertain or to have your confidence take a hike and I will tell you that it’s not as easy as some folks think it is, from just being naked with a guy to actually having sex… and one should never, ever, rush into this. Now, what about the guys who’ve watched gay porn?

Oh, my. I’ve found myself explaining that, yes, if you watch it, you can see pretty much everything two guys can do with and to each other… just don’t get it into your head that because they’re making something look exciting and easy than it really is so I think that the best thing to do is to kinda forget whatever you’ve seen porn stars doing; they’re used to doing things (and get paid for it) and you aren’t; if you see a guy on the screen gulp down a big fat dick, he’s had a lot of practice and experience doing that. Yes, it’s a nice skill to learn… but the first thing you need to learn is whether or not you can put your mouth on another guy’s dick. Don’t even concern yourself with acquiring the taste at this point; taking baby steps with your training wheels firmly attached is still the best way to approach any of this.

Oh… and don’t expect anything other than what might really happen. I’ve found that a lot of guys really screw themselves up because they have a preconceived set of expectations and when they don’t manifest themselves, holy shit. Trying to get a guy to get this out of their head – but also allaying any fears and concerns they have – requires a great deal of patience… and feeding them a lot of crap isn’t going to help them one bit. Does sperm taste nasty? Yes, it can and the way it can feel in your mouth is something else to get used to. But, you don’t have to allow it in your mouth and if you do, you don’t have to swallow it. I’ve had guys ask about this and there’s not that many other things that is… relatable or comparable except brushing your teeth and, believe it or not, having a mouth full of toothpaste and especially the foamy kind. Not really like the real thing but close enough to get an idea; just know that another guy’s spunk isn’t going to taste like Crest or Colgate.

The very and biggest part of any of this is making the decision to put your training wheels on. Wanting to experience it is all well and good… but you also have to think about how it’s going to impact your life and whether you do something or not, which is why one of the first things I impress on a guy is that if you do this, it’s going to change your life… forever… and whether you succeed or fail. My job is to make sure you do not fail… but with the understanding that just like anything else in sex, you’re not always going to get it right and neither is the other guy.

None of this is as “easy” as getting dicks out, making them hard, and making them soft and messy. The only way you’re ever going to find out if this is right or wrong for you is to do it and then you should think – and pardon the pun – long and hard about it. I’ve told guys, “I can tell you everything I know about this and I’m not going to bullshit you or sugar coat any of it; I can tell you what guys I’ve given their first time to has said and experienced and while you may find that helpful, just know that your own experience, if you choose to have it, can be different and might not be what you expected.

One guy asked, “Why am I getting the impression that you’re trying to talk me out of this?”

Because I actually am trying to do just that… and because I know first-hand how any and all of this can, has, and will go wrong. It’s better to take those baby steps with training wheels on than it is to dive right in and find out that you’re now in way over your head and there is absolutely no shame in taking your time with this. There is no shame in chickening out and don’t let anyone convince you that there is. The hard truth is that some guys take to this like the proverbial duck to water… and some guys just can’t. The truth is that it can take a guy a few times, with fits and starts, before they find that (1) they can do this and (2) they like it… and some guys find that no matter how many times they try this, they just don’t like it.

At some point, the training wheels will come off… and they should only come off when you’re ready to take them off. When you’re thinking about this, don’t focus so much on what, how, or even who: Focus on why you want to this; what’s going on with you that has you thinking and feeling that you need a set of training wheels to begin with? You’re gonna hear a lot of shit about this that, truthfully, is only partially true and it’s going to be very damned important to let any fears that develop mess with your head. The risks are real and that’s a fact… and I’ll tell you how to avoid a lot of them… but you’d probably be surprised at the number of guys who are convinced that if they just touch another man’s dick, they’re gonna catch something nasty and, again, I’m not being funny about this.

A guy asked, “Have you ever caught anything from another guy?”

“No… because I’m smarter than that,” I said. “If I have the slightest doubt about a guy, I won’t do anything with him and no matter how badly I might want to or he does… and that includes any doubts he puts in my head just by what he’s saying.”

When in doubt, do nothing. Think first, then act if you must… or if you can. If you can’t, don’t worry about it and above all else, protect yourself at all times and, yes, even with someone you think you know well because if I’ve learned nothing else about having sex with men, they are too subject to change once their dick gets hard.

 

Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: Gaining a Certain Understanding

Growing up with bisexuality and taking to it like a fish to water was just too much fun and terribly exciting because, first, there was having sex (and because I’d been told in no uncertain terms not to go there) and then, wow, who knew that you could have sex with another guy and it’d be so much fun? Forget all that stuff about what could happen if ya got caught doing it like that even though the punishments promised were very dire with lots of pain being involved. And while there were a lot of us who had discovered this aspect of sex and were up to it to our eyeballs – and very much aware of the consequences – it was deemed to be well worth the risks to be able to have sex with each other and, of course, any girl who’d want to.

While I – and my very horny peers – were doing lots of on the job training in this, there were aspects of it that we were either unaware of or just wasn’t paying any attention to and, depending on who you happened to be talking to – and doing the nasty with – the awareness of what I’m going to be mentioning in a moment was there and, at least, for myself, hadn’t hit home until one really hot summer day, one of the fellas and I went off to spend that hot and steamy day in the relative coolness of one of our many hideouts and doing it to each other as many times as we could, not just because we were… preternaturally horny but also because there wasn’t anything else to do that didn’t call for being outside in all that oppressive heat.

We’re into it and having the time of our, well, day; there came this moment when I was lying on my stomach, he’s on top of me and the feel of his dick sliding in and out of me was dreamy and delicious and I definitely remember lying there and thinking that, for one, this just felt so damned good and, for the other, I hope no one shows up to catch us and make all of this go away – and that meant anyone we would have preferred to not catch us. He’s humping away and I’m just loving it and my… enjoyment got broken up a bit when he started saying, “I’m gonna do it! I’m gonna do it!” which I knew meant he was getting close to shooting his stuff in me and I also definitely remember thinking, “Yeah… this is gonna feel so good!”

In the exact moment he started shooting his jizz in me (that was the ‘new’ word of the times), a thought slammed into my head like someone had punched me in the head and I heard this voice in my head say, “He’s trying to get me pregnant!” I don’t know where that thought came from or why it picked that moment to just fuck up my whole groove but I went from being quite happy and pleased to not being happy at all. Well, it wasn’t that I was actually unhappy that my friend’s dick was pumping away in me but that thought was sobering and had, I realized later, taken me right out of my happy place because, in that moment, I had gained a certain understanding:

I was now very much aware of what it was like to be a girl and by that I mean I understood what I’d been putting girls through when having sex with them. It was a very disturbing feeling and, again, a very sobering one. It didn’t stop me from continuing to have sex with him but I wasn’t “all there” any longer and so distracted and disturbed that I couldn’t wait until we were finally finished so I could be by myself to seriously think about this very disturbing revelation and even as we went about wearing each other out, my mind was busy putting shit together, like putting the last few pieces of puzzle in place to reveal a completed picture… and one that I wasn’t sure I liked all that much.

Once I was alone and could think, wow, there were a couple of moments where I just wanted to throw up to realize that, I was a boy but when doing it with another boy, I was also a “girl” in that sense. We all knew that girls were the only ones who were supposed to suck dick and get screwed and we all knew that was a lie because guys could do the same thing but now the similarities had chosen that moment to come home to roost in my mind and in a very disturbing way. Before this fucked up my whole day, I thought about how us guys would sit around and “talk shit” about the girls who were afraid to have sex and how… “silly” some of them would act when we were allowed to screw them. We knew about the dreaded baby-making stuff and how it scared the shit out of the girls and while we were quite ignorant about what had to take place in order for a girl to get “in trouble” – the euphemism for getting pregnant – what we knew was that the way babies were made was when a guy shot his stuff into a girl…

And I’d just got finished spending quite a bit of time with a guy who was shooting his stuff in me… and just like either of us would do with a girl. Okay, I knew that boys couldn’t get “in trouble” like girls could but it was, in today’s terms, being inseminated that put 2+2 together in my head and it equaled, “Oh, shit!” I now had a very acute awareness of why girls acted the way they did; I understood why some liked having sex… and I now had the beginning of understanding why they didn’t. It was like a dam bursting inside of my awareness and I was sitting under a tree and recalling every moment where I’d done it with a guy and it wasn’t a whole lot of fun and I knew why a lot of girls would often tell us that we were assholes and otherwise not nice guys and especially when our dicks got hard and we wanted to have sex with them and including saying and doing anything we could manage in order to get them naked and get around to shooting jizz in them.

I sat under that tree with all of this messing with my head… and threw up. If I hadn’t had any real sense of respect and understanding of girls, I did now and, going forward from that day, every little thing that I knew girls didn’t like about us was being seen in some very stark clarity. It changed my behavior toward girls but much more than that, I’d had yet another major wakeup call about the true nature of sex and finding out why a lot of adults would be heard to say that sex was dirty and nasty… and it wasn’t just because one could get all sweaty and funky having it. I thought about all the razzing and teasing we’d subject guys who were gay to – and often in a good-natured, just yanking their chain way – but because of that moment, my gay friends now made a whole lot of sense and more so when a couple of them really did act like girls when it came to us wanting to do it to them and sometimes it wasn’t with the… eagerness they’d often display and I really understood why there were some guys they wouldn’t hesitate to have sex with… and a lot of guys they wouldn’t and even if the guy wanting to do it to them would wind up beating them up for refusing them…

And especially those guys who really did treat other guys like they – we – were girls… and some of that treatment wasn’t what I’d call, then or now, nice or pretty. Girls, again, would loudly tell us that we were assholes… and I found myself not only agreeing but understanding why we were assholes… and I didn’t like that one bit. Um, no – none of it stopped me from having sex with guys but I now had a very different point of view about it and started looking at having sex with guys in similar ways that girls had been looking at it all along. It was the moment that got me into a development mode of thinking and setting the stage for me to be a lot more discerning about who got to get me naked and have their way with me or who’d I want to do the same thing to. The sex was what it was but it was the other aspects that I’d gotten awakened to; there were guys who I’d not hesitate to have sex with and there were guys who, before my wakeup call, I wouldn’t say no to… but now I was doing just that because I could see my male peers in similar ways that girls saw us… and, again, a lot of it wasn’t what I’d call nice.

I knew what it felt like to have sex and not “cared about” beyond a guy busting a nut in my mouth or my ass; I understood why a lot of girls would say that after sex, they felt used and so dirty that no amount of soap and water would get them clean. I knew what it felt like to be lied to and what it was like to be “sweet talked” and even pressured into having sex. We would gossip and wonder why some girls would just lie there and let us screw them and like they weren’t really interested in doing it in the first place and even when they said they did… and I understood why because there were times when I’d realize that when the sex wasn’t fun, it was “better” to just let him finish rather than to start a fight although, um, yeah, being a guy and when some other guy wasn’t making the sex as fun as he “promised,” I had no problem telling him to stop and if he didn’t, make him stop and there would be pain and some blood involved.

My now-developing philosophy about having sex with guys now included knowing what it was like to be “the girl” in this situation. It wasn’t that it was always bad to “be the girl” but, yeah, sometimes it was those moments where I’d find myself wondering why I thought it would be a good idea to have sex with this guy – then really kicking my own ass to realize that my gut instincts had been telling me not to… and I hadn’t listened to what my instincts were telling me. I saw that I was developing an… attitude about it; I didn’t like it when I’d be sucking some guy’s dick and he’d say, “Yeah, bitch, suck my dick like a good little girl!” or something along those lines because, goddamn it, I’m not a girl… but wasn’t I having sex like I was, in fact, a girl?

Now, the good part about this is that I was able to put things into perspective when it came to having sex with guys and it took me almost two years of thinking and observing before I fully embraced having sex with guys but now with a “girl-like” kind of mindset about it and, importantly, learning how to say no and making it stick as well as not buying into the usual bullshit guys would throw around just so they could get their rocks off and toss me aside like, well, like a used condom. I also had a more eye-opening understanding about guys and including myself and, as I said earlier, it changed the way I behaved towards girls because I understood what it was like to be subjected to a guy’s lust and how a guy could be a nice guy and all that… until his dick got hard and wanted to use it on me. Okay, yeah – when it came to getting into a girl’s panties, you had to play “the game” and convince them that, you know, if you let me do it to you, you’re not going to regret it… and knowing why they would. It made me “sick” to understand and realized that guys would do and say anything to be able to fuck someone and that I wasn’t really any better than they were except the only thing I had going for me was that I knew – and better than most guys – what it was like to be the girl in this situation.

Later in life, I’d quip that us guys spend nine months inside a woman’s body before we’re born… and spend the rest of our lives trying to get back inside a woman’s body. I not only learned about being male, I had a keen understanding about what sex was really about and that no matter how one went about it, it always came down to the pleasures of having sex from busting a nut to females chasing the often elusive toe-curling orgasm. And while polite and moral society has some issues about what would be called gay sex, I learned that we’re all pre-programmed to want to have sex and, of course, guys more than gals and that there were no real boundaries where who to have sex with was concerned; girls were the preferred target and object… but guys could be as well.

And all of this landed on me before I got anywhere near being 16. It wasn’t just about what; it was also very much about who and not whether someone was male or female or even if they were gay. It was now very much about the kind of person they were and what was going on inside their head about being male and wanting – needing – to have sex with other males. Today, I will tell a newbie in a flat, skinny second that if they don’t learn anything about having sex with other guys, they will most certainly find out what it’s like to be “the girl” in these things… and some of that isn’t pretty at all because some of us really are total and uncaring assholes when our dicks get hard.

At the hands or, really, the dicks of other men, I was learning that it wasn’t a matter of how big their dick was or how good they were having sex; it was whether or not they were… considerate. Appreciative. Not so much that being into thing that bi guys today insist has to be a mandatory consideration. Having all of this… awareness lent itself to the most important thing in my list of three things anyone has to satisfy in order for us to have sex: Do not be my idea of an asshole or cunt. The good and bad thing was that I had a chance early in my life to be able to know what that idea would be because, as many women have learned, there is not too much worst than having sex with someone who is blatantly not trying to make it good for you. There is nothing worst than sucking a guy’s dick or having him pounding away inside of you and knowing that all he’s really thinking about is busting a nut in you and not so much about how his behavior in this isn’t making the sex fun at all. And I knew that I had to be better than those guys. Okay, again, yeah, I had to play the game just like everyone has to – and the game really does suck but it is what it is. While I knew I couldn’t change anyone else, I knew I could change myself and not be that asshole that had to be avoided at all costs to one’s physical and, importantly, mental well-being… but with the understanding that, yeah, I was going to choose poorly and now it was about being able to take the good with the bad but not in a regretful kind of way that would get me to not like having sex so much… and then totally and completely understanding and accepting that, yeah, um, I really and seriously love having sex.

Gaining that certain understanding that fateful day really did fuck with me because feeling my friend cumming in me brought a lot of shit together and in a clarity that disturbed me greatly until I could wrap my head around it. While a lot of people were losing their minds over same-sex stuff, I understood it; I understood what was driving it and that, when you strip away the morality and social angst, it’s really and truly just sex and that it’s actually perfectly normal for us – humans – to want to have sex and the sex of the person, eh, not really all that important in that sense because the only thing a guy couldn’t do to me that can be done with a woman was to get me pregnant. The rest of it? Oral sex and being screwed? Interchangeable with obvious anatomical differences. I am, most certainly and definitely, male and I do not have a boi or man pussy… but I can and have been fucked and inseminated and as I’ve fucked and inseminated a lot of women. I can and have sucked a lot of dicks and swallowed an unimaginable amount of sperm… and just like some women can and have and, yep, I like it just as much as a lot of women do.

It’s not what you do, though: It’s who you do it with. The person. Where their head is about a great many things including having sex; are you one of those people who have little or no consideration or even compassion of what it takes to make the decision to have sex and, shit, think you have some kind of divine right to my body… or are you someone who has an appreciation for what it takes to be male… but wanting to experience sex in the way it can be done between two guys? That… landmark moment in my life was responsible for how I react today about the “hearts, not parts” gang and the flaw in their point of view because sex is always about the parts and, most importantly, it’s never been a case or situation where hearts – the person asking to have sex with you – ever goes unconsidered or ignored, not like it’s assumed to be and I do not know anyone who doesn’t, at the very least, ask themselves, “Do I really wanna have sex with this person?” and based upon what kind of person they’re gonna be if the clothes comes off and sex is being performed. I understand why we really do put the cart before the horse in that sense and why we will think about what might happen before anything actually does…

And all because, one day, a friend of mind was fucking me and making it feel oh, so wonderful. I knew he was going to cum in me… and I wanted and needed him to and that stray thought of, “He’s trying to get me pregnant!” not only fucked that nice moment up but changed the way I look at sex… forever. I remember sitting under that tree that day and that, um, sitting down was, let’s say, interesting because my butt was sore and I still had his stuff making things squishy back there. My mind had gotten so fucked up behind this that I not only and eventually threw up once, I threw up three times. My mind, which that day became the asshole that lives inside my head, was quick to point out that I was having a grand time “trying to get him pregnant,” too. And then, as I got off my, um, well-used ass and headed home, I had to decide whether it was really that bad of a thing to be doing since, obviously, before that thought manifested itself and when it did, I really didn’t think or have any real idea of the true implications of having sex with other guys… but now I did and I sure as hell knew what it was like to be the girl in that situation and, for me, completed the circle and cycle of things. I could appreciate what it took for a girl to say yes to me when I asked if I could do it to her; I understood the level of trust involved and, yeah, how common sense could get totally overridden because one’s hormones demand and insist that sex be had and even how peer pressure was involved; hell, even I knew I’d do it with a guy because I didn’t ever want to be singled out as being a chicken about it or, yeah, acting like a girl about it… but now I knew why girls acted the way they did and because of something that could happen to them but could never happen to me… but, yeah, I actually liked having a guy on top of me and fucking his dick in and out of me until he shot his load into me. Wasn’t going to get me pregnant – and there was always that running joke about guys having “jelly babies” – and it did feel good… but not so much when the true meaning of having sex lands on you like a few hundred thousand tons of bricks and like it did to me that day.

It’s… embarrassing to have had that thought pop into my head when it did. Today, I can and do laugh about it because I didn’t know then what I know now but when it happened, it wasn’t even funny but I’m actually glad it did because I gained that certain understanding while at a young age and, to my credit, had the brain power to be able to come to terms about it and it didn’t put much of a damper on my need and desire to have sex… even with a guy who may or may not prove himself to be the asshole I’d rather not be bothered with and then being able to sniff them out before the fact. That understanding says that I know what it’s like to be the girl and to be treated like one even though, duh, I’m not female, well, physically or even mentally but, yep, I can and do have sex like I am. I suck dick and love doing it and when I’m in the mood to, I get fucked and get nuts busted in my butt… because, implications aside, it feels good to have sex and whether it’s with a guy or a gal and what makes it all better isn’t how good they are at it or the other things we obsess over:

It’s what kind of person they are; it’s who they are that, at the end of the day, matters the most but, yep, so does that parts thing that folks today insist has no real importance and shouldn’t have. They’re wrong about that and I even know why they’re wrong about it… and all because I had a thought, when my friend was shooting his sperm into me, that he was trying to get me pregnant because that’s what his body is designed to do even if I’m not female… and where having sex is concerned, none of that really matters as much as we continue to insist that it does and should. I understood why some girls like other girls instead of boys and if for no other reason than they could have sex with another girl… and not worry about getting pregnant. Lots of emotional stuff at work in any of this, too, and it’s clear to me why there’s more emphasis on this aspect than the fact that any dick can be sucked, any pussy can be eaten, and the human body has… holes that an erect penis can be inserted and sperm delivered absent condoms and other preventative measures. And I do know what it’s like to be “the girl” in this and I’m okay with it…

But that one day, so many decades ago, I wasn’t all that okay about it because I recognized what was in play and that my dear friend was, without even knowing or realizing it, was having sex with me like I was a girl. It really and finally exposed the lie that men are only supposed to have sex – and inseminate – women since we can get dicks hard and make them soft again just like any woman can – we’re just not gonna get knocked up behind it.

 

Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: When It Goes Wrong

I get to see guys talking about having their first time having sex with other guys; they can be wary, leery, a bit paranoid, definitely hesitant and uncertain; some seem to lack confidence, feel some kind of way about their dick (usually not good), tend to overthink things, and of course, overly worried about someone finding out what they did. On the more positive side, they’re excited, eager and just chomping at the bit to have their first experience and their minds are overflowing with how they’d want that first experience to go and, often, consisting of every fantasy that’s ever gotten their dick hard.

Some guys have a definite thing in mind which is often exactingly detailed from the first meeting right through what will happen after nuts get busted – and that, of course, includes all of this happening with the right guy they’ve decided is the right guy for them to have that first experience. All of this is all well and good… and probably the biggest mistake a lot of guys make that has a Murphy’s Law-like tendency to prove something the military has proven to be true:

No plan survives first contact with the enemy. The reason why this is true is that you can sit down and plan something out to the nth degree while trying to predict how the other guy is going to react and based on whatever information they have on hand… except, uh, military planners can never fully account or foresee the enemy doing something other what they think they might or can do. It’s no different from putting a plan together to have that first experience; even if you get to know the guy and well enough to decide that he’s gonna be the one to, um, take your cherry, the thing you don’t know – the thing you can’t know – is what is going to be taking place in his head as things begin to happen.

So many guys have that storybook first time thing in their head… and so many guys get totally and completely disillusioned and disappointed when things don’t go the way they wanted and/or expected them to and now they’re sitting back wondering how it all went wrong and having great regrets over wanting to do whatever happened in the first place. They’ll blame the other guy for messing it all up and especially if, during whatever’s going on, homey deviates from the agreed upon plan but, really, the person to be blamed is the guy who set this “perfect scenario” up in their mind and then expected it to go as planned because it’s also been proven time and time again that if it can go wrong, it will go wrong.

When I’ve sat and talked to guys looking for their first time, it’s pretty normal for them to ask about what they can expect and depending on the first-time experience they’re looking to have and, for the purpose of this scribble, we’ll go with the thing most guys experience: Oral sex. It’s one thing to sit and talk about sucking dick and in great detail and, really, how hard can it actually be? It can be harder than you think it is; you can plan it out in your head and be totally amped up to finally experience it and the moment it’s time for some sucking, it can go wrong right off the bat because, as I’ve written time and time again, it’s a whole different thing when there’s a dick in your face waiting for you to do something to it and just as different to watch a guy opening his mouth and lowering his head so he can suck your dick.

There are all kinds of things that can go wrong and, again, beginning with expecting it to go the way one envisioned it… which is why one of the things I’ll tell a first-timer is to not expect anything other than we’re going to try to do this. It’s very normal to have expectations and more so over something that, for the most part, you know about… and not so much. And, to be honest, a lot of first times go very well and with few or no hiccups… but not always. I personally like it when a guy says – and honestly – that he doesn’t really know what to expect; that tells me that he’s aware that thinking about it and doing it are very different. There are the guys who are so amped up to experience this that they’ve made up their mind that no matter what happens, they’re gonna do this and come hell or high water. My “problem children” are always the guys who have a plan about how this is gonna happen and I’ve learned that with such guys, even the slightest deviation from their plan will make the whole thing go down the drain and, usually, in a hurry.

I’ve had guys lay out their plan for dicks to get sucked and, sometimes, in some detailed ways that either gets me trying not to laugh at them… or makes me very worried. One of the things that’s known to go wrong is guys saying that they want to suck my dick… but I can’t cum in their mouth. Now, you might think that this is an easily avoided situation but it makes the assumption that I – or, really, any guy – can prevent themselves from cumming… which is exactly why proper cock sucking etiquette pretty much demands that if he’s sucking your dick and you’re about to lose it, you tell him so he can move away. I’ve sat with such guys and they’ve asked me how they can suck dick but not get cum in their mouth and I’ll tell them honestly that the best way to avoid getting a mouthful of cum is to not suck dick at all (other than using a condom but a lot of guys, well, they ain’t gonna do that).

Even giving the warning doesn’t always go well since getting to the point of no return can show up quickly and hit the guy being sucked so hard that he might have planned to issue the warning… but that moment has chucked the plan out the window… and now the guy who expected to not get his tonsils creamed is getting their tonsils creamed… and not at all happy about that. Or, my other favorite, those guys who have said that they want their dick sucked… but don’t make them cum. I understand this and it’s not all that unreasonable since – and, again, as I’ve written time and time again – once a guy cums, it’s game over for them. Except, the fly in the ointment is guys tend to think about women sucking them and them not allowing them to cum so they kinda get it into their head that they’re going to be able to stop themselves from cumming, you know, provided that the guy sucking them can pick up on the signs that homey is about to lose it and just stop.

Yeah, well, nope. What a lot of guys don’t know – and because there’s no way for them to know – is how their body is going to react and because it’s a guy doing the sucking. My personal record for getting a guy to cum is… ten seconds. And all I did to him was suck on his nuts because, well, he had asked me to do that first. I got down there and started sucking his balls and ten seconds later, I heard him yelp, “Oh, shit!” I looked up at him… and got a face full of spunk. He wasn’t happy about that (and, truthfully, neither was I but it was an accident) and even said that it wasn’t what he had expected. But in doing my due diligence, I had told him that whatever expectations he had in mind before we get started? Get rid of them because there’s no telling what’s really going to happen until it actually does. The good part for both of us is that he did officially get his dick sucked but in the time it took for him to recover, I had to explain to him that neither of us did anything wrong – you just can’t have an expectation about how something is going to happen and then expect it to happen like that.

I’ve had guys, after the fact, be totally bummed out and usually because what we did didn’t go the way he had expected or, in the devilish details, he didn’t feel the way he had thought he would. Ditto for those guys who got it into their head that just being able to take a dick in their mouth at all was gonna be easy and a no-brainer… then, in that moment of truth, they find out that, nope, can’t bring themselves to do it… and their first time wasn’t even close to the one they imagined and/or expected. I’ve had guys practically lose their shit and get to feeling some kind of way because they expected to get their dick sucked and bust the biggest nut ever… and the reality was that they couldn’t even get hard. Not my fault… but definitely theirs because they let whatever was going on in their head cause their body to not react as expected. I’ve told them, at this very embarrassing point, to stop thinking about it which, of course, is easier said than done. Likewise, I’ve had guys not cum at all and even though I explained to them that, yep, it’s very possible that one can get so excited about this that they can wind up overstimulating themselves and, nope, busting a nut ain’t gonna happen.

So many thing can go wrong and the things that usual do go wrong are the things that no one thinks will go wrong. It’s one thing for a guy to tell me that he’s kinda sure that when it’s time to do it, he hopes I don’t get angry with him when he chickens out; at least he’s aware that he might not be able to go through with it. But those guys who are 100% sure they’re not gonna chicken out? Yeah, that. And the number one culprit is usually having expectations that, honesty, cannot always be met since, again, thinking about how this is going to go just might not match the reality of how things can happen… or not.

In my early cock sucking days, shit… I don’t know how many times I kicked my own ass when a cock sucking session didn’t go the way I expected it to and because it didn’t, fuck, it just had to be my fault that things didn’t go as expected. I’m not going to say that in some of those times it wasn’t my fault… because it probably was or I know for a fact that I screwed it up for both of us. But I also began to understand that when a blow job goes wrong, um, it’s not because of anything I did or didn’t do and it wasn’t one of those situations where shit just got fucked up and for no apparent reason and neither of us were to blame… because it’s almost impossible to account and “plan” for every little thing that could go wrong. And, yeah, if things didn’t go well or right, it was because I expected it to… and I shouldn’t have.

First-timers wanna know how not to be disappointed and I tell them that the best way to not be disappointed is to not expect anything to happen before it actually does and then, whatever happens, just happens and if it doesn’t, well, sometimes, shit doesn’t happen and it’s not always someone’s fault that it didn’t. The actual physical act of sucking a dick and being sucked isn’t the no-brainer it can be assumed to be and more so when the one thing that can fuck everything up tends to happen within one’s own skull. As a first-time provider, I’ve learned that if I expect anything, it’s to expect the unexpected and, yeah, I know, that sounds kinda weird since I’ve already said that the best way to go about sucking dicks is to not have any expectations but this is the one exception to the rule. Even I don’t know what’s going to happen and that includes anything that might go on with myself.

Guys get to talking about their thoughts and feelings and, yes, their expectations and it’s good to let them talk about these things so I can tell them to let all of that go and just let whatever is going to happen, happen. Stop thinking about it. Relax as much as you can and just breathe; you might be surprised at how something as simple as not breathing can make the whole thing go wrong; I’ve seen guys hyperventilate or start holding their breath – and almost pass out… and I’ve had a couple of guys pass out. Things like cumming “too soon” or not at all can be devastating for a first-timer and, yep, not getting hard or losing their erection along the way can have the same effect and impact.

Of all of the things I associate with giving a guy his first experience, the one thing I’ve learned to not like so much is doing damage control which is very damned important just the same. Things in this just do not always go as expected. Like the guy who busted in ten seconds flat? It took me almost an hour to get him to understand that what just happened can happen; not anyone’s fault and I wasn’t going to blame him for something that I know he has no real control over and that there was no way he could have imagined that what did happen was going to happen. He was mortified and embarrassed and I had to convince him that there was no reason for him to feel the way he was feeling – it happens but, yes, I understand that it’s a whole and very different thing when it happens to you and when you didn’t expect it to.

If there’s a “real” problem, it’s having expectations. It’s normal to expect that some cock sucking is going to happen and it’s just as normal to expect that the unexpected isn’t going to show up and fuck everything up… but you gotta know that if it can go wrong, it will go wrong – and then don’t think like that. A guy asked me what expectations I had when we were talking about sucking each other off and I think he was surprised or baffled when I said, “I don’t have any expectations.” I knew what I wanted to do but experience had taught me a long time ago to not expect anything before the fact and that includes anything happening at all – and then, if/when it all goes wrong, don’t get all fucked up in the head about it because shit happens and almost always when you don’t expect, want, or need it to.

For some guys, it can go wrong before they can even find themselves in the situation of making their first experience real… because they have some very specific shit in mind that, again, includes their ideal guy to have that first experience with and, of course, what goes wrong is not being able to find him and that gets compounded because a lot of guys are looking for that ideal guy… and quite unwilling to put in any work toward finding him… and if he even and really exists at all. Sometimes, things go wrong just because they can but usually? They go wrong because the person expecting it to go as planned got it into their head that things were going to go as planned, wanted and, yes, expected.

No plan survives first contact with the enemy… and not every first experience does, either… or any experience for that matter. At best, one can always hope that nothing does go wrong and, ideally, do not get it into your head that it will go wrong because, another of those things I’ve never pretended to understand is the uncanny “ability” for a guy to just know it’s going to go wrong… and that’s exactly what happens. Realistically – and because I can’t think of a better word – you fix it in your mind that this is what you want to do and that you’re going to do everything you can to make it happen and even know that it might not happen as expected or at all… then push all of that out of your head and just let whatever’s going to happen do just that. Don’t wanna deal with spunk? Wrap the dicks up in latex. Got concerns about performance? Cumming too soon or not at all? Hard to convince yourself not to get such thoughts in your head but you gotta learn not to let any such thoughts run wild since chances are that having such thoughts will lend themselves to things going wrong.

I talk about being in the moment and can’t say enough about how important that is… and how hard it is. Guys tend to think about the end of things – busting a nut – and they tend to get fixated on this and so much that they wind up not being in the moment – not being in the here and now – but envisioning a future event that hasn’t happened yet… and might not happen at all. It’s okay to say to yourself, “I’m looking forward to sucking dick and being sucked and cumming!” but when it’s moment of truth time, it’s not all that easy to set all of those before the fact thoughts aside and just be in each and every moment and going with them as they progress… and, yeah, again, if they do at all. Expectations are nice… but the sheer reality of things often turns out to teach someone that things just do not unfold as expected… so don’t expect anything until something actually happens and then be only in that moment.

I know… it sounds counterproductive and even counterintuitive, doesn’t it? That’s probably because it is… and not really when you consider that in almost every situations where something M2M goes wrong, it’s not always because of something you didn’t foresee – it’s something you expected to happen including that something was going to happen at all. Making all of this even more problematic is… human nature. Much of our lives is centered upon cause and effect and computer programming-like thinking – if, then, else. Those three conditions opens up a Pandora’s Box of potential probabilities, outcomes – and in this case, that’s literal – and alternatives and all based upon whether things turn out to be to true or false. It’s the way we think and there’s not much we can do about that…

And to make it through a first time sexual situation with another guy, sometimes, it pays not to think. Be concerned; be “worried” about whatever has you concerned and before anything gets started, voice these things and have them addressed. Then, when you think you’re ready to do the deed, relax as much as possible, don’t forget to breathe, and just let it happen and unless something happens to really screw up the moment, well, just be aware that it could happen and, hopefully, the guy giving you your introduction has been considerate and honest enough to tell you that you can stop everything in its tracks at any time you want and need to… and it’s no big deal.

Experience has taught me that when a guy goes into this with some very specific shit in mind about what’s to be experienced, how it’s to be experienced, and how they expect to feel when it’s all said and done, ugh – sometimes, it just opens the door for shit to go wrong because, as previously mentioned, Mr. Murphy lives for being able to fuck up someone’s most deepest desires. And what can really bake one’s noodle is that sometimes something “has” to go wrongly so one can learn how to achieve the right, desired, and expected results.

The glorious and mind-blowing first time does happen… and sometimes it just doesn’t. No one wants to wind up being disappointed and all that and there’s no easy way to avoid it other than, I think, not to set yourself up to fail by letting your expectations dictate things, uh, let’s say, too much.

 

Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: Odd Statistics

I think my brain is having “one of those days” because, out of nowhere, it got me thinking about some stuff about sex with guys, like, how many gay guys I’ve slept with versus the number of bi guys/very curious guys… and I looked at my coffee cup and wondered for a moment if there was something in there other than coffee.

But my brain wasn’t done; it wasn’t content with sorting that out and went on to remind me of what kind of sex I’d had with both… catagories of men, thinking about how they hit on me – blatantly or with much subtlety – and I took a sip of coffee and… yep, still coffee even though I may have shorted myself a few scant grains of sugar in today’s first cup.

Oh, yeah – this was getting crazily interesting and, as always and when my noodle gets to running away with itself, I didn’t question where all of this was coming from; I knew I had to write it all down before it got “erased;” and now it’s about just going along for the ride. My brain was even nice enough to remind me that I don’t have any angst or whatever toward gay men and pointed out that I should write that to let y’all know this as well; my brain is such a nice guy at times.

“Did you know that you’ve been fucked by more non-gay guys than gay guys?” my brain pointed out to me… and in the internal conversation I’m having with myself I was like, yeah, I do know that since, um, I was there remember? My brain “nodded” in agreement and went on to point out – and in its somewhat snarky voice, “Well, then you know that you’ve sucked more cock that wasn’t attached to a gay man… but have had more gay men suck your dick… but the numbers for guys who weren’t gay are pretty damned close, right?“

Yep, I know that, too; I’m not sure where my brain is going with this but as I said, I’m just going along for the ride at this point; it’s just better to let these moments run their course since when I get like this, it can be rather interesting. Then my brain switched gears and direction on me!

“Hey, do you remember that time when you and your boy “Finn” went to get some weed from this dude that Finn knew? You know, the guy with the Steinway piano?“

Does my brain not know that I do remember that? Sheesh. I “nod” to myself and urge my brain to get to the point it’s obviously trying to make.

“Well, you remember that you’re sitting at the piano and playing and while you were playing, home boy showed you those pictures, you remember, the ones where in one picture, two dudes were sucking each other in a 69 and, in the other, they were fucking… and then he asked you which picture did you like the most?“

I do indeed remember that and I remember how weird that moment was, up to and including the fact that this guy, who was obviously gay, was rubbing my back and kinda whispering in my ear about those pictures… and my boy Finn was sitting there trying not to laugh his ass off. I even remember looking at him and seeing him shrug like he was saying, “Hey, you’re on your own with this one!” I stopped playing since, for one, he was now rubbing my lower back and close to my ass and if it was his intent to distract me, well, it worked. That and he was still so close to me that he could have been in my shirt with me and waiting for me to answer his question… and I wasn’t sure if I wanted to answer it or not. But, eh, fuck it; I said that I more liked the picture of the two guys in a 69 than the guys fucking; I remember mentally slapping myself because I knew that the moment the words got out of my mouth, I knew what he was going to say next – and he didn’t disappoint in that regard.

“Yeah, I know you remember the look you had on your face when he said, “Well, come on – let’s do that one!” don’t you?“

Yeah, asshole – I don’t know why you keep thinking that I don’t remember it and before you see fit to remind me, yes – I very much remember the two of us in his huge poster bed and sucking each other off… twice. And, yes, I do remember that I enjoyed the fuck out of it and I definitely remember punching Finn dead in his face for not warning me that his weed dealer was gay and there was a chance he was gonna hit on me an, yeah, yeah, I remember that happened after Finn fucked the guy.

“I pointed that out to you to ask if you are aware that between bi and gay guys, almost all gay men have been so blatantly forward and in your face about getting with you… while bi guys were more or less subtle,” my brain said and, well, it was right, of course; if there was a thing I liked about gay guys, it was they had no shame in their game about what they wanted to do with me and letting me know in no uncertain terms. There were many times when a gay guy would look at me, start licking his lips or something, and let me know – with a great deal of confident certainty – that not only wanted to suck my dick, it would be better than I’ve ever experienced. And, um, sometimes, it was but I also remembered that, in a lot of those moments, the gay guy thought he was about to get with a virgin in these things… and got one hell of a surprise to find out that sucking dick? Not my first rodeo.

“How about that time when you went over to that gay dude’s place and he kinda got pissed off because, when he put on some gay porn, he caught you rolling your eyes over it?” my brain asked. Yep… I remember that time, too, as well as all of the times a gay dude threw on some gay porn and then asked me what I thought about whatever was playing… and getting miffed to hear me tell them that it doesn’t excite me one bit. I also remember being with guys who’s idea of throwing hints my way was to put on some straight porn but instead of offering up a running monologue about how hot the woman was, they’re trying to be, uh, nonchalant about the guy’s dick, how big it was, stuff like that.

I remember this one guy who was providing such a monologue and when the woman in the flick started going down on her on-screen partner, the guy showing the porno tried to sneak in his question: Have I ever wondered what it’s like to suck a guy’s dick or what it might be like to be fucked? I actually remember thinking – and while also thinking about whether or not I wanted to answer him – that gay guys are so much better about making their intentions known right up front. I wound up saying to this guy, “If that’s what you want us to do, why don’t you just fucking say it instead of trying to sneak it past me?” I went on to tell him that I didn’t have to wonder about either thing since I’d done more of it than he probably has and longer than he could imagine… and when he “formally” asked if we could do that, I said, “Nope…” and left.

I didn’t care if he was pissed off or not. While I do find the way some guys try to get into your underwear to be hilariously funny at times, I don’t like having my intelligence insulted; if you wanna do something, just fucking ask me if I want to since if you’re being honest about it – and not trying to “fake me out” about it, chances are I’ll say yes and having seen whatever porn is being shown has nothing to do with it.

That gay man I mentioned a few paragraphs ago? Oh, my goodness – he was royally pissed that I didn’t find the gay porn he was showing as interesting as he did and asked me why I didn’t. My answer was, “I’d rather do it than watch it on a screen…” and proceeded to blow his brains out to, ah, illustrate my point. The next time we got together, he didn’t bother to put on any porn.

“Of course I know you remember how many gay dudes were highly pissed with you because you aren’t gay,” my brain said and, boy, do I ever remember those times! The worst “insult” I’ve ever gotten from a gay man was him saying that he’d gladly suck my dick and let me fuck him if I hadn’t told him that I was bi and still liked that nasty-assed pussy. I’ve had more gay men just lose their shit because, for one, I made it clear that there was no dick on the planet that could make me give up women and pussy and being their boyfriend was out of the question. Bi guys get the “advantage” in this because if anything, they’d want to know if we could get together again at some point but being “boyfriends?” Yeah, let’s not and say we did. While my memory contains many instances where a gay man was all NSA about things, a lot of them just weren’t.

The good thing about all of this… comparative thinking is that I got to learn some important differences between my bi brothers and the gay ones… and I still don’t know why my brain chose this moment to remind me of any of this but, still going along for the ride anyway. Without any prompting from my brain, I remember the many times I’ve gotten into heated arguments with gay men who had a beef with me because I was one of those confused and in denial motherfuckers and I didn’t make the situation any better by saying, “You didn’t say that when I had my dick all up in your mouth/ass, did you? You didn’t seem to have a problem with me being bi then, did you? So, what are you really saying? That bi guys are good enough to have sex with but we’re all fucked up or some shit like that because we’re not gay? Is that what you’re saying?”

I very much remember saying that to a gay dude and, welp, he decided to take a swing at me. I was already pissed off at what he had to say to begin with and, well, let’s say that I’m sure he’d think twice about doing some dumb shit like that… and with someone who is, essentially, a trained killer. No, not to worry – I didn’t kill him but he did get his ass kicked. I don’t have much of a problem having such heated debates on bi versus gay – I expect it – but when you decide that you wanna resort to violence? I will make you regret it. One such guy said, after some really good sex, that he had a mind to slap the taste out of my mouth and actually drew his hand back… and I told him that if his hand even twitched a little bit, he’s gonna wake up in the ER because I do not play that shit at all. Get mad at me all you want… but keep your hands to yourself.

The good part is that while I had a few of those kinds of experiences, they’ve been far and few between. I don’t discriminate between bi and gay men but for those people in the “hearts, not parts” contingent, I very much pay attention to attitudes and mindsets when it comes to things M2M first and foremost. Some gay men are delightfully direct and have no shame about making their intentions known but some bi guys, well, not so much and it might take them a few to get to asking if we can do something and even then, it’s not what’s being asked but how it’s being asked. I don’t play “macho” games or get into all that alpha male bullshit since I’m just as alpha as the next guy and more bi guys seem to like this shit than gay guys I’ve run into. With gay men, you just know where they’re coming from but with bi guys, eh, not always which has always served to reinforce my three pieces of criteria and especially the last one: Don’t be my idea of an asshole.

It often pains me to know that I’ve run into more bi guys who were my idea of an asshole than gay guys who met or exceeded this one and there’s a reason for it… but one I can’t actually explain and more so when I’d probably still be writing this for a couple of days trying to really and truly explain it. I know guys who wouldn’t sleep with a gay man if they had to in order to save their life and I know gay men who wouldn’t sleep with a bi guy even if you threatened their life… and none of that really makes any damned sense but the short version, I think, is that both sides of this M2M coin have developed some “bad apple prejudices” about each other and have applied them across the board: If one is like this, all are like this. The ongoing “trend” of instant gratification plays heavily into this as well, methinks: I want what I want and in the exact way I want it and without exception… and I want it right the fuck now.

One of the things that I talk to Cityman about is how exasperated he gets when guys – and, it seems, mostly gay guys where he lives – tend to get very pissy with him because he’s not of a mind to drop whatever he happens to be doing in order to accommodate them and in ways that he’s not of a mind to do so… and there are a lot of both bi and gay men who have this very annoying and often very rude behavior. I’m able to remember all of the times some guy has gone on and on about how he’s going to fuck me and how I’m gonna beg him to fuck me… even though I made it clear that I’m not interested in fucking… and coming out their face like this does nothing other than to increase my disinterest… and, statistically, there have been more bi guys who behave this badly than gay men I’ve come across.

Yes, my runaway brain: I do remember this stuff and I can’t ever forget it. If my bisexuality has taught me anything of great import, it’s why women behave the way they do about men and, yes, brain, there’s a lot of stuff I’ve learned about men from women up to including even their tendency to make all of us guilty for any offenses one guy threw at them way back in the day or the last time they dealt with a dude. Male bisexuality isn’t all peaches and cream; it’s gritty and messy and heavily laden with a lot more internal prejudices than one can shake a stick – or a dick – at… and now I’m pretty sure that my mind decided to get into this… statistical comparison to keep me grounded and looking at this as realistically as possible and that it’s not so much what we can do with each other but, more often than not, how we go about things.

And being my idea of an asshole isn’t going to get anyone anywhere. If I don’t think that your head is in a place that I think is, um, conducive for us doing something, nothing is going to happen and trying to bullshit me or otherwise fake me out? Please… I’m a guy and, as such, I know how to play the game and, again, chances are good that I’ve been playing it a lot longer than they have and in some cases, well before a lot of guys were even born – the advantage of being an OG bisexual from back in the day. It doesn’t really matter if a guy is gay or bi but what does matter – what always matters – isn’t what they want to do:

It’s where their head is about it and even more important, where my head is about it, too. There are a lot of guys on both sides of the M2M coin who either forgot or never knew that you really can catch more flies with honey than you can with vinegar. My brain did ask, at some point while I was typing all of this, “How many times have you said to a guy, “You can’t ask me any better than that?“”

Too many times and, statistically, it’s not a good thing and when it comes to bi guys versus gay guys in this, they’re about even in this regard and my brain, for some reason, saw fit to remind me that bi or gay, you stand a better chance of getting me naked by not being my idea of an asshole or otherwise trying to play or bullshit me.

“Okay – I’m done now,” my brain just informed me and, whew, I’m glad that this ride is over with – for now – and just as glad to have gotten all of this out of my head… and now I can stop and let my computer reboot after the Windows update finishes installing…

 

Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: And Now the “Oh, No” Moment

Methinks I’d be remiss not to scribble something about this. One of those “Captain Obvious” kind of things says that not everyone who tries the same-sex thing finds it to their liking and, sometimes, it’s not because of anything that might have been stomping through their head before, during, and/or after the fact – sometimes it’s the person they’re with that gives birth and rise to that “Oh, no…” moment and even then it’s not always what they did but how they went about doing it.

It always sounds like a good idea until it’s been proven that it wasn’t… but in these things – and before the fact – it gets weird because, yes, it sounds like a great idea while not being so great at almost the same time. All kinds of stuff going through one’s mind and working toward the go/no-go decision and, yeah, usually more about the “bad” aspects than the “good” ones but, sure; if one doesn’t get cold feet before anything happens, the go decision is made, things get going and… oh, no.

I’ve been asked – a lot – why this happens to people. After all, they “gave their word” and/or otherwise decided and agreed to do this and the first thing I’ve said toward this is, “Well, people do change their minds, don’t they?” It’s more than that, of course, since at any point in this there’s still a lot of shit going on inside their head and causing a lot of anxiety, apprehension, self-doubt, second-guessing themselves, and just flat out being scared because, again and quite oddly, they don’t know what’s really gonna happen.

There are even guys – since I’m mostly talking about them in this – who, even as they proceed, have already made up their mind that they’re not going to like what’s about to take place but, okay, they just might, there’s some doubt (and that other stuff I mentioned) and it can all come to a head – no pun – and they find themselves in that “oh, no” moment and, most of the time, call a halt to things… and sometimes they don’t because, I’d say, a lot of this is about honor and shutting it all down can mean that they just went back on their given word.

Yep – I’ve watched a lot of guys go through this moment and I don’t really take any pleasure or anything like that when they’re having a moment that I told them they might have. Some guys have that moment in the moment of truth; mouth is about to meet cock (and no matter who goes first in doing this) and, oh, no! Sometimes the connection is made and a few seconds later, oh, no! I’ve seen guys get past the beginning, they’re kinda/sorta into it and they’re in that “I gotta cum!” moment and… oh, no!

That moment can happen at any time because one’s mind just doesn’t really shut down in the face of sexual stimulation/pleasure; it’s been hard at work the whole time assessing what’s going on and while having that moral argument going on at the same time and it can put them right into having an “oh, no” moment but, as I said a few paragraphs ago, sometimes, their own thoughts, feelings, misgivings, and, yeah, guilty feelings aren’t responsible for the “oh, no” moment showing up because they’re kinda fine and dandy…

Until the other guy says or does something and it doesn’t take much to set the “oh, no” moment off. I’m damned experienced in this and I’ve had guys trigger my “oh, hell, no” moment because of something they said or did that either I didn’t like or something that wasn’t part of the agreement and, yep, even though I know that “heat of the moment” shit does happen; if we agree not to fuck and he’s trying to fuck me, yeah – oh, hell, no – and everything grinds to a screeching halt or, really, anything that, in that moment, I have an issue with like this one guy who hauled off and slapped my balls so hard I almost tossed my cookies – and I had punched him dead in the face before I realized my hand was even moving.

In a lot of situations and during what I call “the moment of absolute clarity” that arrives either before a guy busts a nut or immediately afterward, some guys can have a very bad “oh, no” moment and usually, “What the fuck did I just do?” and if the refractory period of sex has not only run them over but backed up and ran them over again, that just makes the “oh, no” moment even worse for them… and let’s not forget that they’ve been aware that this was something they had no business doing right from the start.

In talking about it with guys after the fact, I learned that some were having an “oh, no” moment while things were being done but instead of calling a halt to things, they kept going – what’s up with that? Sometimes – again – it’s a matter of honor but sometimes, honor has nothing to do with it… but their mind is still fucking with them about it and maybe, just maybe, things will get “better” as they go along and some guys just resign themselves to the fact that they got themselves into something they’re not having fun with and it’s not worth it to shut it down, either because they don’t want to start an argument or their pride is telling them that if you say stop, that means you’re a yellow-bellied chump or something else along those lines.

Even when you sit a guy down and tell him what to expect and do so in as many clear ways you can bring to bear and he lets you know that he understands all that you’re telling him, that doesn’t mean he’s not gonna have an “oh, no” moment… and some guys are of a mind that they’re not going to, well, until they find out they’re having one and it bears repeating:

Their mind really doesn’t go on vacation while the sex is happening. Men have had the very bad rep of being “mindless” during sex and overthinking things, too, and if you were to ask a guy what he was thinking about during sex, chances are he’ll tell you that he wasn’t thinking about anything but what’s really going on is that he wasn’t thinking about anything that he was aware of and, yeah, sometimes, they do know what they were thinking but not of a mind to share it but you just don’t really stop thinking even when caught up in the throes of sex and some of the stuff that might be going on in your head can trigger an “oh, no” moment.

Yep – it always sounds like a good idea until it’s not a good idea. A guy’s mind can throw a wrench into things or the other guy can be the one tossing the wrench in and, you betcha – sometimes, even he doesn’t know what he did or said to trigger the “oh, no” moment… and sometimes they do – they just didn’t think that whatever they did or said to trigger the moment would do just that. It’s also worth mentioning that it’s not just new guys who can have one of these moments; experienced guys can have them and because of the sentence that began this paragraph.

In any situation, it’s not that an “oh, no” moment isn’t or can’t show up… it’s what happens if/when it does. Some guys shut it right down and some guys don’t and if they didn’t – and this gets brought up after the fact, the question usually is, “Well, if you didn’t really wanna do it, why did you do it?” – and good luck trying to make sense of whatever the guy who had the moment says about it. Sometimes, the “oh, no” moment isn’t that “I just fucked up” kind of thing; sometimes, the “oh, no” moment is in the form of, “Well, shit; that wasn’t as much fun or as good as I thought it would be – damn!”

Way too many reasons for this one and reasons that one or both guys can be “guilty” of and I’ve always thought that any time someone’s expectations haven’t been met or exceeded, someone is going to have some degree of an “oh, no” moment. The thing is that these moments happen and even when one has reason to think, feel, or believe that it won’t or it can’t and, honestly and truly, they’d love it if the “oh, no” moment never showed up at all.

Sometimes, the “oh, no” moment can be very traumatic and as I’ve said before, I’ve seen guys throw up, break down and start crying, and even jump up and starting running around in circles or some other action; I witnessed one guy having such a moment and he was reciting the Gettysburg Address and, nope, I’m not making that up. As one who has given a lot of guys their very first experience in this, I am always on the lookout for any signs of the other guy having an “oh, no” moment and I will stop even if they don’t say anything to ask them if they’re okay and if they say anything that sounds like, “Not, really…” then it’s over and time to make sure if he’s gonna be okay and then there’s no guarantee that he is going to be okay.

It’s fantastic to give a guy an “aha” moment; not so much when he has an “oh, no” moment and the thing I think that makes this worse is seeing a guy going through such a moment… and doing nothing to help him get through it, both at that moment and even after the fact. Some guys can handle it; a lot of guys just can’t and I’ve heard way too many first-time horror stories where a guy had an “oh, no” moment and the other guy did nothing other than to keep doing whatever he was doing or, even worse, giving the guy who said, “Stop!” a bunch of shit about stopping things.

An unattended “oh, no” moment will plant in someone’s mind that if the shit was fucked up then, it will always be fucked up so let’s not even go there again and even then, some guys won’t go there… and some guys continue to feel and have the need to go back again – the “compulsion” some guys feel to have sex like this is stupidly powerful and not all that easy to ignore.

What should a guy do to not have an “oh, no” moment? Would you believe that I don’t have an answer to that because there’s no “one size fits all” answer that I’m aware of? I will tell a guy both the good and bad of it and will tell them that they can have an “oh, no” moment at any time and they can say, “stop” at any time and it won’t be a bad reflection on them and if I think they’re in some kind of distress, I’ll stop it to check on them and if I think they’re not as okay as they say they are, yeah – time to stop because I know that if it doesn’t stop, it’s not going to be a good thing for them.

Even in this, you just don’t and can’t know if the other guy is going to have one of these moments and most of the time, the guy himself doesn’t know or doesn’t expect or anticipate that he’s gonna have one of those moments. You can’t or don’t even know what, if anything, he might do in such a moment and he, well, shit, he might not even know how he’s going to react to such a moment because that if/then/else process doesn’t always work as “logically” as it might be assumed to work. That “oh, no” moment is more emotional than physical in the majority of times and logic just tends to fail miserably when a strong emotional response appears and, again and again, there’s no telling if or when that can happen… or if it’s gonna happen at all… or it just might happen later on down the road.

Here’s the “mistake” I think guys who have an “oh, no” moment make: They don’t ever wanna talk about it and they should and more so when the real problem isn’t that they had such a moment; the real problem and “damage” happens when they keep it all bottled up inside and thinking they can deal with it on their own – then find out that they can’t… and some guys just ain’t ever gonna admit to themselves or anyone that they couldn’t deal with it.

Sometimes, we’re just too “macho” for our own good; we even read too much into it or, sometimes, not enough; nothing, I think, makes a guy who’s had this moment feel shittier than realizing that he didn’t think things through as well as he should have before diving right into it – and I think it’s both okay and normal for a guy to say, even to himself, “I didn’t think this through enough…” and/or that he overthought it so much that they made themselves have an “oh, no” moment when, all after the fact, they now know that it shouldn’t have happened.

A guy can get to feeling some kinda way that’s not good about this so much that it glosses over or just “erases” any notions that before the “oh, no” moment hit, they were enjoying themselves and to whatever degree they were; that one usually results in them giving a, “Yeah, but…” response when asked if there was anything about it they were enjoying before it all went south.

You just don’t know what’s gonna happen until it actually happens and this is true even for experienced guys. What you think or expect to happen doesn’t always match the reality of what could happen and it’s made worse because no one can think of every single possibility that could show up and, yeah, some guys have an “oh, no” moment because they’ve actually “victimized” themselves before the clothing came off. If it were possible, the best way to avoid having an “oh, no” moment is to not think… and the human mind just doesn’t work like that.

If a guy has fears or concerns before the fact, they are going to stay on his mind even in the background; there’s always that part of one’s consciousness that is always paying attention to what’s going on and despite what’s going on and the moment it runs into something that’s a “problem,” here comes an “oh, no” moment and it might not be so easily “resolved” or set aside, you know, depending on what triggered it but, yeah, if one’s mind, at any time, starts screaming, “You are making the biggest mistake that can be made!” it’s hang on to your hat time because the resulting reaction is not going to be a good one and by no stretch of the imagination.

None of this is really the “no-brainer” it appears to be. Again, some folks think that guys are so mindlessly slaves to their libido that they just jump right into this without giving it much thought and, true enough, some guys do – and then find out that it wasn’t the “no-brainer” they thought it was supposed to be or expected to be. It still and almost always sounds like a good idea right up to the moment where, oh, no! It can happen before, during, and/or after the fact and, yeah, it can really be the biggest mistake they ever made or it’s just their mind fucking with them and “denying” that what they were doing (or did) was all that and a big bag of chips because, you know, guys aren’t supposed to have sex with each other and they’re sure as hell not supposed to like it if they do.

I faithfully and dutifully remain the guy who will talk about this because it needs to be talked about. All one can do if they’re considering taking the plunge – and this goes for the ladies, too, in case you think I forgot about them – is to be as positive about plunging as you can manage and with the understanding that an “oh, no” moment can show up; it can be their “fault,” the other person’s “fault,” and, holy crap – no one’s “fault” because, sometimes, shit just goes wrongly because it can.

My advice? Don’t kid yourself into thinking that you can’t have an “oh, no” moment – but don’t go plunging and thinking that it’s definitely gonna happen because if it does, chances are good that they way you were thinking was responsible or, yep – you just became your own worst enemy with this one. Do your best to find a partner you can dive in with and one that you are sure that if things go south, they’re not going to leave you hanging and now you’re trying to deal with this all by yourself. They don’t have to be “all into you” – they just gotta really and seriously give a fuck about making your experience the best one possible and that includes making sure that you’re really okay before, during and especially after the fact.

That some people can’t or won’t do this and even if they said they would, well, that’s another scribble…

 

Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: The Hunt for Cock

Cityman and I – and as usual – had a good conversation about the title of this scribble and, as usual, because he took notice of all the guys on his various apps sending him “unsolicited” pics and requests for him to give them his cock, ass, or both. I pointed out to him that, duh – the nature of the apps just lends itself to getting propositions that you actually didn’t ask for or might not even be looking for – just the way they work.

I allowed that since apps appeared on the scene, they have the advantage of making a lot of… like-minded guys much more visible than ever which is both a good thing… and a bad one. Good because, um, the halfway decent GPS function in most apps can let you know how many guys are close by and bad because now there’s a lot of guys to choose from and that, at least in the way I think, doesn’t make it easy to pick a guy you’d be interested in doing the nasty with. Also as usual, the “history lesson” in that, back in the day, if you wanted some dick, you literally had to go looking for it or hope that while you’re out and about, you get “lucky” and either find a guy who gets your attention or you’ve managed to get his.

On the whole, nah – that wasn’t easy or convenient and by no stretch of the imagination so when the websites – then the apps for those sites – came along, wow: Who knew there were than many guys into dick that were within a mile of wherever one happens to be? In the very early days of this, chances were very good that you were gonna get the cock/ass you were looking for… until the trolls, fakes, and flakes started inhabiting sites until things got so… bad that you could literally spend hours and even longer periods of time trying to find that one guy who you think – and hope – would suit your needs.

You’d think that a site or app for guys who want to play with a dick would be a big no-brainer and given how well populated they are, it’s like shooting fish in a barrel… and it’s really anything but that simple. One of the things sites and apps allowed guys to do was to write down specifically and precisely what they wanted, how they wanted it, and even who they wanted it from; that some of what’s written can be considered downright rude and arrogant, the good thing is that guys are stating their preferences and other criteria and the bad part is that guys are stating their preferences and other criteria… and making being able to find a guy to have sex with harder instead of it being easier to do.

Cityman showed me what some guy had sent him by way of a proposition and the gist of it was if you weren’t a bear with a beard and unwilling to be on your knees and servicing his cock, don’t bother to contact him. I read what the guy said and I both laughed and shook my head and asked Cityman – rhetorically, of course – why it would matter what kind of guy sucks your cock as long as someone is willing to do it? You’d think it wouldn’t – and maybe shouldn’t – make a difference or be that big of a deal but it is a big deal and it does make a difference since, again, the sites and apps makes it easy to tell other men exactly what you want and all that “important” stuff.

There are few days that go by that I don’t see guys on the forum complaining about not being able to find a guy to have sex with but also complaining about all the flakes and fakes one can run into and, incredibly, continuing to ask what’s the best way to find a guy – or The Guy – they wanna be sexual with and what just makes me roll my eyes is that none of these guys seem to understand that, as I’ve said time and time again, the dick you want is not ever just gonna wind up on your doorstep with you doing anything to make that happen. I can understand the cluster fuck that the sites and apps have become and why guys are loathe to bother with them but it also seems to me that if you aren’t of a mind to use the tools available, uh, there’s only one other thing you can do: Get off your ass and hunt or be hunted.

Oh, that’s right: A lot of guys don’t even wanna do that. Maybe it’s just me (and I doubt that it is) but I’m thinking that if you wanna do the nasty with another guy, motivating yourself to be able to do that is in order. Guys talk about gay bathhouses, glory holes, adult movie theaters – and places that, historically, are good for finding like-minded men; they know about them wherever they live but many are scared shitless to visit one or, if they do, the first time they get hit on, they head for the hills as fast as humanly possible – and even if the guy putting a move on them is the kind of guy they’d want to put a move on them.

Cityman had asked – and not even close to being the first time – how I found guys to have sex with and I said, “The old fashioned way; either I went looking for them or they were out there looking for me or any guy they’d think would be agreeable.” And even though – in my neck of the woods – there were a couple of publications that had “personal ads,” it wasn’t a given that a guy with an ad stating his desire to get with another guy to suck dick would, in fact, be able to do what his ad said he wanted. Some guys would place an ad… but not provide a phone number they could be reached at – understandable. One publication had a “mailbox” kind of thing that was, for the most part, discrete but the problem with that was usually guys not wanting to out themselves by even buying that publication or doing whatever they had to do to check their “mailbox.” And, yeah, even way back then, a lot of guys were just and only about the thrill of the hunt but getting them to agree to meet?

Oh, sorry, I can’t – my dog is still in the washer and I gotta put him in the dryer or some other lame – and obviously false – reason for not showing up to do all that shit they’d been talking. This particular aspect of things hasn’t changed one bit. There are guys who will, guys who can’t – but they want to – and there are guys who, for the most part, get off fucking other guys around and with no intent to actually do anything: The more things change, the more they stay the same, huh?

As noted, the problem isn’t that there not a way to find like-minded guys because there is; the problem is that there are “too many” guys to choose from and there still is no way, initially, to know if the guy is for-real or just another fakey flake. Making matters worse is that there are lot of guys on the sites and apps who feel it’s a total waste of time to actually have a conversation or, as I once saw on a guy’s profile, “More fucking, less talking!” Some guys are… pretty blunt about what, when, how, and who they wanna have sex with and I guess they don’t believe – or was never told – that you can get more flies with honey than you can with vinegar.

But that’s both the good and bad things the sites and apps have going. Almost anyone you might find wants what they want and in the exact way they want it and they want it right the fuck now and nothing is negotiable; when you get an untold number of men doing this and in a place where it’s supposed to be easy to find what you want, um, take a guess at what doesn’t happen as much as it probably should? Women pitch a bitch about being on “dating” apps and getting ghosted, catfished, stood up, etc., and you can see the exact same kind of shit happening on “gay dating” sites and apps and, yeah, it gets even… funnier because not all of the men who sign up are, in fact, gay. There was this one site for “bisexual dating” I saw years ago that had more gay men signed up that actual bi guys which I found to be funny given how some gay men look down their noses at bi men… but they have no problem having sex with us and, yeah, because your cock has been in the very much hated pussy – and no matter when the last time that happened – you ain’t shit and don’t even bother contacting them.

The dumb shit that can be easily found and seen – and even tossed your way unsolicited – is reason to not be all that happy about what might really be available on the “market…” but, again, if the sites and apps aren’t working for you and you just don’t have the time to weed out the assholes and other unwanted/undesirable types, um, that kinda means that you don’t have much in the way of other options save the old-fashioned way:

Get off your ass and hunt or allow yourself to be hunted. These days, jeez, guys are very, very paranoid – and I’m being nice about it because I can’t think of any other word that would accurately describe what I see going on other than to be insensitive and say that they’re just too damned afraid to do what they keep saying they want to do. A lot of guys create these scenarios in their head and, sometimes, I think, in ways that they probably know won’t even happen… but sometimes, they do and instead of them going for what they know? They haul ass… and then express great regret for letting that opportunity – and the one they’ve been dreaming of (and jerking off to) – pass them by.

I even give Cityman da bizness when he gets to acting just like so many guys these days tend to do. He complains about not being able to find his kind of guys… then complains when all of his kind of guys are vying to get into his underwear. He’ll tell me that he knows for a fact there is a guy who is literally one block away from him who wants to get into some heavy cock sucking and he is, himself, very horny (but I think that’s his normal state of existence) and he’ll say he should tell the guy he’ll be right there… and just won’t and will provide excuse after excuse for not checking this guy out – and this guy has been checking him out and asking for the dick for months. He’s talked to the guy and is deemed to be okay and he does, in fact, want to suck dick… and just won’t. He doesn’t have to, of course, but it’s indicative of what I tend to observe on a daily basis.

He’ll ask me if I’d suck a guy who is hitting on him and I say that I would and the only reason why I wouldn’t is… because I don’t want to and if he mentions that he thinks the guy is his idea of an asshole, well, that’s even more of a reason not to. He, like a lot of bi guys these days, is all about that which he prefers: What he wants and the way he wants it and if you’re not anywhere near close to that, no deal and why are you even bothering me? This very thing is both what’s good about sites and apps… and what is very wrong with them and I’m of a mind that when one is presented with too many choices and possibilities, that doesn’t make it easier:

It makes it harder and the more detailed and specific any guy gets, the harder he makes it for someone to say yes. Holy crap: They don’t make bi guys like they used to! Cityman is often… amazed or “impressed” that I’ve been able to have so much sex with guys and wonders how I managed to do it. It’s actually kinda simple: I’ve said yes more than I’ve said no and while I have preferences just like anyone else would, I don’t let them disqualify guys but I will let them DQ themselves since most guys can’t pass my “asshole test.” But if they did pass, you betcha: Whatever we agreed to do is gonna happen. I told him that I trust my instincts and if they tell me that this guy feels or sounds wrong? Not gonna happen; I’m horny as all get out… never stupid or careless. I tell him – and other guys – that the “secret” to my success is keeping it simple and making it easier for myself and some other guy and not making it harder for either of us.

It’s never really been rocket science… but it’s turned out to be that way, it seems. The guys who are, today, successful in their hunt for cock are the guys who “aren’t that particular or funny” about who gets to get into their underwear… if they’re wearing any at all. They’re not careless or stupid about it but they’re of a mind to say yes more than they’d say no and unless there’s something wrong with it, a dick is a dick and now it’s just a matter of how the other guy is gonna let them play with it. They’re not looking so much for a FWB, fuck or suck buddy, or whatever – they want a guy to say yes and they have good reason to believe the guy is gonna be safe enough to have some kind of sex with and, when in doubt, they either do nothing at all… or put a rubber on it.

And most of the guys these days who do think like this also don’t seem to be all that concerned about what anyone thinks about them having a craving for dick… and taking care of that craving whether they’re single or very married. Was it easier back in the day? It was because while there were tons of guys who were down with this, you didn’t always run into so many that making a choice was difficult to do or, as they often say in fine dining cookery, “Less is more.” Instant gratification is the theme of the times and that might be all well and good… except that it really does take time to find a guy you’d want to give it up to; it’s become a thing these days that more men are find that they have to put in some serious work to make happen…

And they just do not want to do that. The logic suggests that if there’s work to be done in this and you don’t wanna do any of it, guess what’s not gonna happen? And if this… laziness is the way you’re doing things and not getting what you want, why are you bitching about not being able to get it? Guys who do this are quick to blame other guys when, in fact, it’s their fault they’re not getting the dick action they want… because they’re not willing to do what’s necessary to get it and by that I mean they just don’t want to do the work that’s required and, again, they make it harder to realize and not of a mind to make it easier.

Sigh… they really don’t make bi guys like they used to. I tend to roll my eyes when I see a guy write that if he could, he’d suck off a whole room full of dicks but the reason why he hasn’t or won’t is because it makes him feel like a slut and rather whorish… and I’m thinking, “Really, dude?” Some of the stuff they fantasize about is actually quite doable… but, again, they just don’t wanna do a damned thing about making it real for themselves and with more excuses than Campbell’s has beans and soups. I’ll say it again and again:

When your list of what you’re not gonna do (and including who, what, where, when, and how) is longer than your list of what you will do (with the inclusion I mentioned), guess what ain’t ever gonna happen? And if you do nothing to… shift the balance to a more doable aspect, guess what ain’t gonna happen – and then why are you bitching about it not happening?

Have I ever mentioned how funny guys are about this?

 

Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: After the Fact

One thing to think about doing, another to actually do it and both parts of this reality aren’t all that easy to wrap your head around and, as I scribbled yesterday, there’s either going to be that “aha” moment or that “oh, no” one but, in either event, the experience gets even more interesting once one has had a chance to think about things or that moment I like to call the “what the fuck did I just do?” moment.

One of the hallmarks of this moment is guilt; overwhelming to the point of being physically ill guilt. And it’s a real thing but those of you who’ve been following and reading should know how I am at this point and, if so, you’d understand why I’d ask even myself, “Why am I feeling guilty over something I wanted to do?”

A lot of guys – in particular – are of a mind that the guilty feeling comes from them doing something they had no business doing and there’s some truth to this because there’s always that war I mentioned yesterday going on inside one’s head that causes so much internalized confusion: Not supposed to but you really want and need to. Along with this is the habit we seem to have to always think about the worst that could happen more than we do about the, ah, benefits of whatever we’re thinking about doing before the fact but, okay – a lot of guys are able to either set all of that aside and remain committed to doing (a) what men ain’t supposed to be doing but (b) yeah… it has to be done; it tends to overload one’s mind to the point that some guys just and really do say, “Fuck it…” and just go for it and some guys have their brain just shut them down and, nope, sorry – I just can’t.

I keep mentioning this aspect because there are still a lot of people who believe that bisexuals – male or female – don’t give any thought about the sin they’re about to commit and that’s never been true – but it looks like it is. So, here we have… “Frank,” who has been thinking about having oral sex with another guy and he’s been thinking about this and, perhaps, so much that it often distracts him. He’s going through the pros and cons – and more of the cons than the pros – but everything keeps telling him that he needs to find a guy to get this done with. Frank finds a guy, the deal’s been made as well as the time, date, and place this epic event in his life is going to take place.

Frank is both excited but that battle is still going on inside his head and all of the doom and gloom shit he’s been thinking about is trying to make him chicken out but he’s determined to see this through and to whatever conclusion manifests itself. Frank and the other guy – let’s call him… “Gene” – meets and they’re off to the agreed upon location and right about now, Frank’s mind is ripping along at Warp 200; he wants to call it off but, again, he’s determined not to and, besides: Nothing has happened yet.

At the place; some very nervous talking and after that crazy pregnant pause, the clothes come off, dicks are exposed and now Frank is sorting through the jumble of thoughts that is going to do that go/no-go thing because, again, it’s one thing to think about sucking a guy’s cock and a very different thing when the guy’s cock is right there and waiting and, yeah, that includes his. That awkward “who’s gonna get it started thing,” someone says, “Fuck it…” and let the cock sucking commence. Either way, Frank’s mind is on the edge of an overload as it’s trying to process what’s going on while being reminded that he shouldn’t be doing this and all the fucked up shit he’s been thinking about is bouncing around inside his head and to the point where he’s not really paying attention to what he’s doing or, if the other guy went first, what’s happening to him.

But the “voices in his head” grow quiet; they don’t exactly go away but they’re down to a dull roar because his body has stepped in and decided that this is feeling good and it should be paid attention to. At this point of the scenario, I have to say that this cacaphony of thoughts can often just put a guy into sensory overload and/or overstimulate him and, well, no boner. But for the sake of this, let’s say that our boy Frank hasn’t gotten overloaded or overstimulated and let’s say that he made the first move to suck Gene’s cock and as he’s been doing just that, the part of his mind that is unaffected by this has been analyzing everything Frank has been doing: Is it good or bad? Gene yells out that he’s gonna cum and a decision point has been reached: Does Frank stop and back away from the dick and watch it spurting all over the place or does he keep sucking and that spurting is gonna happen in his mouth? More than likely, this is another “fuck it” moment since one of his concerns was about that acquired taste thing.

Two possible outcomes – and the pun is intended big time. If he decides not to let the cum into his mouth, he moves away and watches the eruption and, as I’ve been told by real-life guys in this moment, yeah – there’s something exciting about having made another guy cum but, at this point, there’s no real sense of guilt or wrongdoing so much; yeah, he shouldn’t have had his mouth on Gene’s cock to begin with but, it was and that’s that. The other decision is that he doesn’t back off, keeps going, and now he’s getting his first taste of spunk and, well, is it as bad as everyone says it is or it is not all that bad? Frank has the option to spit it out or swallow it and that decision actually takes place pretty quickly although, again in real-life situations, there can be so much of it that swallowing it becomes like a “self-defense” kind of thing; it’s one thing to think about getting sperm in your mouth, something else when there’s sperm in your mouth.

Stay with me. Frank finishes Gene off and, for this scribble, Gene isn’t going through that guilty phase and after catching his breath, it’s time to return the favor. Frank just might be having second thoughts about this but chances are he’s in that “in for a penny” phase of things and any reluctance he may be experiencing becomes moot as Gene goes down on him. Brain is processing and analyzing; body gets around to turning it down or just turning it off and in favor of, hmm, damn, that feels good. Gene gets Frank to the point of no return and shoves him right off the edge and into the abyss…

Then that moment of clarity arrives and kicks Frank dead in the ass or screams at him, “What the fuck did you just do?” – and here comes the guilt. Some of it is morality-driven and a lot of it is due to the refractionary period of sex in men and something that not a lot of guys know about but they’ve experienced it: It’s that thing that once you bust a nut, you just don’t feel like having sex again even if you’ve had it in your mind to get right back at it. Being horny is a biochemical thing and a bunch of stuff gets together, loads up, and you’re doing the nasty, it’s good and all that, here comes the nut and all the stuff driving the bus is now depleted – you literally run out of gas and, depending on the individual, it can feel pretty damned ugly…

And it feels just like guilt and so much that unless you knew about the refractionary period of sex, you couldn’t tell the difference between having a guilty conscious and having depleted your supply of oxytocin and other goodies. Frank’s mind is now pitching a bitch at him because if he doesn’t know anything else, he knows he just broke all of the rules against what just happened and it’s not making him feel good… but his body is feeling pretty good but that sense of guilt is pretty much making ignore that… and a lot of other things.

If you think that everything Frank went through before the fact is bad, the after the fact stuff can be even worse. Like I’ve said – and it’s no joke – I’ve seen guys throw up; I’ve seen them break down and cry; I’ve seen them have panic attacks… and I’ve seen none of that happen but, yeah, their mind is fucking with them and that damned refractionary period ain’t helping matters. Frank is now second-guessing himself and very well might be quite unhappy with himself and/or having other really bad thoughts and here’s what Gene should do:

Let him know that he really didn’t do anything wrong even though, morally, he did. Gene should, ideally, let Frank know that whatever shitty thoughts and feelings he’s experiencing is quite normal and that it does happen to a lot of guys to some degree or another. Frank may or may not give voice to what he’s thinking and feeling – and it would help him if he did because keeping all of it inside ain’t gonna help matters, either. If Frank admits that now he feels guilty and saying that he shouldn’t have done this, what Gene should do, ideally, is ask him a question and a very specific one: Was it okay for you while they were actually doing it?

The question is “designed” to get Frank to not think about how he’s feeling right now but to apply a bit of misdirection to get him thinking about how he was feeling – and maybe thinking – in the moment. It doesn’t gloss over what he’s feeling now and it does have to be addressed but that feeling of guilt, again, can be very overwhelming and can tend to make some guys overlook the fact that while it was happening, um, yeah – it felt amazing.

Now it’s just a matter of Frank’s ability to process all of this to determine if this was an “aha” moment or the very much dreaded “oh, no” moment; he’s either going to be able to sort this out quickly or it’s gonna take some more time or he won’t be able to sort it out at all. The reasons why so many guys wind up having after the fact issues are twofold: The first is they often don’t really want to talk about it and the other is that the other guy – Gene – isn’t of a mind to check with Frank to see if he’s really okay and sometimes that happens because Gene is working through his own refractionary period and/or, if this is a “first time” thing for him, that shitty guilty feeling that he just did some shit no man is ever supposed to do with another man is pretty much stomping a mud hole in his ass, too.

The good thing is that a lot of guys survive the after the fact moment; the bad thing is some guys don’t so much. Making it even worse is the fact that there is no way to know how that after the fact moment is going to go for you; you can think about it but it’s no “replacement” for having to deal with it and then there’s this: Some guys might not be all that aware of the refractionary period of sex… but they very well know how shitty they feel after they’ve busted a nut and it’s something a lot of guys feel when they masturbate and, again, they feel it after sex with a woman but, nah, it might not feel so much like guilt… but it just doesn’t feel good.

If you’ve ever wondered why some guys fall asleep after sex, it’s not always because they’ve worn themselves out doing it – it’s the refractory period of sex that’s responsible because, again, they’ve run out of gas and the depletion of the feel-good chemicals just, um, puts them to sleep. What makes this worse is that this period isn’t always consistent in how it affects a guy after the fact; it can be a long period or a very short one and that usually depends on how quickly the guy’s body can replenish those expended chemical goodies; could be in minutes, hours, or even days.

It’s just that when you combine some deliberate rule breaking with this very natural thing everyone goes through, yep – Frank can get to feeling pretty damned guilty and, again, begs that question I asked earlier: Why feel guilty about something you wanted to do? Some guys can suss this out without a whole lot of issues… and some guys are really bothered by the moral implications and so much that you could ask them if they enjoyed what happened… and they’ll tell you that they didn’t and what’s really going on here, and as I’ve learned, that their body is quite happy about how things literally came out… but one’s mind? Not even happy about it.

This whole after the fact thing taught me something important and something a lot of people either don’t agree with or don’t even know about: Your body doesn’t care who is giving it pleasure… but your mind does… and it does because we’ve been conditioned to care about that aspect. Woman gives you a blow job? No biggie… but if a guy does it? It’s a biggie and a very major one and the truth is that it’s not easy to wrap your head around it. It is one of those things where I’ve heard guys do the, “Yeah, but…” thing: Yeah, it felt good and all that… but it also felt wrong and with the wrongness being the morality of things.

Bisexuals do think about this before the fact; they do consider the consequences of their actions as well as the pros and cons of the action to be taken. There’s a huge decision process going on within them that will either make them go forward or stop them dead in their tracks. And it’s a sure bet that when it’s all said and done – and that refractory period kicks in – they’re gonna feel pretty shitty and, yeah, guilty. Some guys are just able to sort it all out and determine that, okay – broke the rule but they’re not gonna feel guilty about it because it did feel good and it worked for them.

Some guys can’t. Trashing and ignoring the moral imperative not to do this with other men just overpowers everything and now it’s a matter of how much the guilt of it is going to fuck their head up and, yeah, the power of belief shows up and says that if you believe you just fucked up and like you’ve never fucked up anything before, well, you just fucked up in a huge and unforgivable way… and nothing anyone is going to tell you is going to change your mind… but there is always that one “tiny” voice that keeps saying, “But you really didn’t do anything wrong and you did like it while it was happening…”

Yep… I’m that guy who bothered to figured this out because I wanted to know why it feels so damned shitty to do something I also knew I very much wanted and needed to do… and whether it was sex with a woman, spanking my monkey, or having sex with a guy… and my thought that the moral implications just couldn’t be the only reason for this. I looked high and low for the answers… and I found them.

And now I’m telling you what I found. What can be done about it? Actually, not a whole lot other than finding a way to deal with it. Given our ability to be able to justify whatever we do, well, that part can be easy… or not; there’s nothing I know of that can do anything about the refractory period of sex and its effects and affects; you can probably do some stuff about it after the fact, like, replacing electrolytes and stuff like that… but I think the only way to stop it from happening at all is to not bust a nut or have really intense orgasms – they deplete the feel-good chemicals, too.

Do women go through this? Yeah, they do – it’s just different than it is with guys. A woman’s refractory period, I’ve read, tends to be shorter in duration and I do mean short. That guilty feeling of breaking the rules and having sex with a another woman? Present and accounted for but women, as far as I’ve been able to discern, handle this better than guys do for the most part… and sometimes not so much because at the root of any of this after the fact stuff is the morality of it all but I’m also of a mind that if one has that “aha” moment, it goes a long way to making any feelings of guilt less of a problem.

The hard part isn’t doing it; it’s dealing with it all after the fact that presents the most problems for a lot of people who, instead of having an “aha” moment, they find themselves buried in that “Oh, no! What the fuck did I just do (and why did I do it)?” moment that does not ever feel good.

 

Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: That “Aha” Moment

It has been a long-held truth that sex that isn’t boy/girl is just flat out wrong and immoral yet it’s also true that humans have been having sex like this all along. We’re taught, expected, demanded, and required to avoid this at all costs or, biblically – one can say – you’re gonna burn in hell for all of eternity… but we know that a lot of people have been stocking up on SPF 100,000,000 to take care of the burn.

One of the things I’ve always found… interesting is when someone has that “aha” moment; that moment when despite all of their trepidation and fears, they do the unthinkable and find out that, hmm, that wasn’t as bad as they thought it would be. Yes, yes – not everyone feels that way so let’s get that out of the way, aight?

The taboos against this are pretty powerful, invasive, and insidious; it’s been hammered into everyone and from the moment they’re old enough to understand it even in that “because I said so” way. They are, of course, designed to prevent it and, well, yeah – how’s that really working? So many have been faced with being in that moment – and how they got to the moment, for this scribble, isn’t a real consideration – and the internal conflicts they go through are… epic and if they’re able to get past them – which isn’t all that easy to do – and just go for it, it’s always with that sense of, oh, I dunno, let’s see what’s gonna happen – and then with the hope that a wrong decision wasn’t made and a grave mistake is about to come into play.

Lust, driven by curiosity and other factors, is pretty damned powerful but there’s always that fear of the unknown and something that, given my sense of humor, is kinda funny because, as I’ve said time and time again, it’s one thing to know that people have sex like this… but so very different when it’s you being in that moment. I’ve thought that this… perception is what lends itself to many thinking that, say, having a guy performing oral sex on another guy is not only different, it’s wildly different and, yeah, in the moment they realize that it isn’t different, here comes the “aha” moment.

I’ve heard guys say, before the fact, that they know they’re not gonna like it and I used to wonder just how they knew this – then learned that they know they’re not gonna like it because they were told not to and that it’s not something to be liked. Oh, okay… but maybe someone would be kind enough to explain to me why a guy who knows that he’s not going to like it… does it anyway? Yeah, I know – kinda rhetorical because I know, to put it as simply as possible, something inside their head is asking, “Why not?” and against what we’ve been told about this.

In for a penny and all that.

It’s an understandable moment; there’s the tension, the anticipation, even the fear that’s still having a field day inside their head and, for some, it’s like that bad accident you don’t ever want to see… but you’re gonna look anyway. Before mouth meets cock, eh, some guys are looking with wide-eyes and some have their eyes so tightly closed that it’s probably giving them a headache. The connection is made and, I think, there’s a bit of a war going on; the mind is saying this is some fucked up shit and the body is saying, “Ahh… damn, that feels good!” It’s at this point where either one’s mind is going to win and this is gonna be a bust and a problem… or the body wins and, oh, yeah, this is gonna be good… I think.

The “funny” part is that at times, I’ve been able to feel that war going on inside the other guy in how his body is reacting; it wants to give in but it’s also resisting because the mind is still saying that this shouldn’t be happening… and their body is telling the mind to shut the fuck up. Even while it’s happening, the mind can overrule the body and the guy being blown wants it to stop; it’s just way too much to deal with and that’s fine – it happens. If the body is winning, you can almost feel the moment when the mind starts waving the white flag and, in some cases, is telling the body that its gonna get them for this later and lay on some seriously heavy guilt so, yeah, body – enjoy it while you can.

I’ve looked up at guys to see how they’re doing and they either have their eyes closed or they’re looking at me with that deer in the headlights look and as if they don’t believe that it’s happening and still kinda not believing that they agreed to this happening. And then they cum – and sometimes they don’t and there are reasons for that I’m not going to get into and, wow, there’s a firestorm of cluster fuck stuff happening that, more often than not, if the mind is still pitching a bitch about the decision to do this, that orgasmic release just shuts it down and like slamming a door… and now the real cluster fuck shows up as the body goes into recovery mode and the mind returns from being evicted from the situation.

The guy is most definitely gonna be feeling some kind of way now… and it’s not always good and, again, I’m not gonna talk about the refractionary period of sex so much but acknowledge that it does play a major role in what he’s gonna say next and, yep – a lot of times it’s, “That wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be!” Sometimes that’s the first thing they say… after they relearn how to breathe and talk and sometimes there’s this, “What the fuck did I just do?” look they get and, as such, it’s gonna take them a moment to realize some stuff like it didn’t kill them – oh, yeah, they got hit by a bolt of lightning but not “fatally” so and, importantly, they don’t feel as if they instantly stopped feeling masculine. Sometimes I’ve heard guys say that they’re not sure if they really liked it or not and it’s important, I think, to give them time to reset their mind so they can think but, at least in my experiences, it usually doesn’t take them very long to come to the realization that, nope – it really wasn’t as bad as they thought it would be.

Or my other favorite: “I don’t know why I never did this before now!” and this is also applicable when the guy has just finished sucking cock for the very first time. Well, okay… there is that taste thing that scares the shit out of everyone and it’s either gonna be very yucky or, uh-huh – not as bad as they thought it would be. And I’ve just sat there watching all of this reality settle in with them and, um, trying not to smile because I did tell you that it’s not as bad as you think it is, didn’t I?

Now it comes down to whatever else might be going through their minds and when – not if so much – the mind does as promised and brings a whole lot of guilt to the party and the internal way begins again and along these lines: You weren’t supposed to do this shit but you did it; it wasn’t supposed to feel good, but it did and you sure as fuck wasn’t supposed to like any of it but, hmm, it really wasn’t that bad. Guys need x-amount of time to really and fully process all of this… and some guys don’t really need a whole lot of time to come to, at the very least, a tentative decision: They liked it, it wasn’t really all that bad and, in some, the beginning of thinking about whether they’re going to do it again or not.

Guys – and I suspect gals – have that “aha” moment that not only confirms that, nope – it really wasn’t all that bad even if it was a bit weird – but I think it’s also at that moment where everything they thought they knew about sex gets rewritten and even if, by chance, what they just experienced is being deemed to be not all that much to their liking… for right now. Again, this is some shit that, more often than not, requires a great deal of very introverted thinking and, for some, the war is still going on inside of them. It was bad in that moral sense but it was good, too, and then all of their fears return to plague them and trying to shout down the reality of it:

They did it. Liked it or not really sure they did but close enough for government work at the moment. May or may not do it again but it didn’t “kill” them and it didn’t turn them into the boisterously flamboyant gay dude. It wasn’t as bad as everyone said it is and as they previously thought.

And to be able to sit and watch them process this is, for me, precious and priceless. When I say that this is a life-changing event, I’m not kidding or overly exaggerating it: It really is. It is a moment of truth that is as profound as anything I know of and so much that, yeah, it can really fuck one’s head up and not in a good way… or it can be the greatest discovery since man discovered fire – depends on the person and their ability to process things.

It can also produce that “Yeah, but…” moment, too… but most of the time – and, again in my experiences – that’s usually all about whether they’d do it again or not or, famously, that “It’s not something I’d do all of the time” thing that tends to give me the giggles. It is why I think it’s so very damned important to talk about it all after the fact because I know and have learned that not everyone adjusts to this all that well or easily. Did they just do something horribly wrong? Well, yes… and no: Rules did get broken and there’s no getting away from that poignant fact of things but we just got finished doing something that men have always been doing to, with, and for each other and, really, several million gay men can’t all be wrong, can they?

It’s a very and seriously emotional moment and one that has to be handled with as much care as possible since that “aha” moment can quickly turn into an “oh, no” moment – the war and internal arguments are still going on and can go on for some time but, again, that depends on the individual and their ability to process such a complex situation… and not everyone wins that battle… but a lot of people come out of the other side of the war and they’re quite okay.

I’ve seen guys get… pissed because in that after the fact moment, they know and understand that they were lied to about this or, actually, they weren’t told the whole truth about the sex thing; I’ve seen some guys get pissed because they’ve found themselves thinking about any time prior to this life-changing event that, shit, they could have done this already but they didn’t; they know why they didn’t and, most of the time, the reason why they didn’t – because men just ain’t ever supposed to do this – just doesn’t match the reality of what just happened. And even when a guy is having this kind of a moment, I believe it’s just as important to be there for them to tamp down any anger they maybe experiencing. There’s a reason why the rules are the way they are and, as such, there’s a reason why the truth of this is being kept from everyone…

It’s just one of those things that no matter how much society and our morality tries to hide the truth, someone – and even as you read this – is finding out that the truth – and the reality – is very different and, one way or the other, it is going to change one’s life and the way they look at things going forward; it’s either going to be – and continue to be – that “aha” moment or it’s going to be that “oh, no” moment and, um, yeah – they can actually flip-flop since I’ve heard guys, after the fact, say they hated it and hated themselves for doing it but after they’ve had some time to think about it, nah – it really wasn’t all that bad.

Quite interesting how the human mind works, huh? The rules and taboo against sex like this are very real – they exist… and covers up the real reality of things: People have sex like this; we, on the whole, have been having sex like this for the longest time and because we have, it’s why the rules and taboo was put into place to stop us from having sex like this. When someone says that they’d never do this, it’s because they don’t believe in doing this and because they were told not to and, yup, they believe in all of the reasons why it’s never to be done. You’d think that logic and intelligence is at work when someone emphatically says that they know for a damned fact that they’re not going to like it when, um, actually, they were told not to like it and by telling them not to even go there in the first place.

Some get that confirmation that, nope -they shouldn’t have done this and that’s because the experience wasn’t able to override the social and moral imperatives… but a whole lot of people have that “aha” moment and get around to figuring out that what they were taught and/or believed, well, it’s just ain’t the whole truth of things… and being made to cum/orgasm? Well, yeah – that felt pretty good… because it’s supposed to feel good. I’ve heard guys say that, eh, they’re not sure if they’d ever do this again… and I’ve had guys ask me if we can do it again and “right now” again… or if, you know, if they want to do it again, can they come see me about that?

To the question of whether or not this is really as bad as it’s said to be, the honest answer is, yes – it can be that bad and then some depending on how your mind works and all that but, no: It can be not all bad as it’s said to be, too. Is it really all that different? Well, it is different but only in who is doing the sex thing… but not what is or has taken place. I think it’s one of the reasons why so many men have an easier time adjusting to cock sucking and find out that while it’s quite the insult to be called a cock sucker, doing it? Not as bad as everyone says it is and the real reason why it’s not as bad as everyone says is… because it really isn’t. It’s not to say that it’s not without its own problems but sex has always come with a shitload of problems and there’s always been a reason why it’s been said that sex is dirty and nasty – and not because of the moral implications involved.

The “aha” moment. It’s really something to witness and, according to those who’ve shared their “aha” moment with me, it’s really something to go through although, sure, it might take a few for it to really sink in… and it may never sink in: Your experience, if you choose to have one, can vary. If you tried it and it wasn’t all that, well, that’s how it was for you… that one time. Some keep at it and, nope, still ain’t working but I think that the moral implications may not really be at work since some folks go into this with some preconceived notions about it and wind up getting all bummed out when it doesn’t go the way they want, thought, or believed it should go.

It happens. How does one get their head around this? It may or may not help but I’ve learned that it’s… easier to think about what and not be “all that concerned” with who is doing whatever; this doesn’t mean that who lacks importance because it can. The “hard” part in looking at it in this way and having that “aha” moment is that we’ve been conditioned to always think about who we’re having sex with and there’s some rules, terms, and conditions involved here and, well, to just think about having sex at all isn’t considered to be all that right and proper. The way it supposed to be just overrides some obvious stuff:

What’s the difference between a guy sucking dick and a gal doing it? It’s who’s doing it and the rules that, albeit unspoken and unwritten, say that this is something only women are supposed to do. What’s the difference between having a guy eat a pussy and a woman doing it? The same thing but what gets overlooked and, really, not many people think of is that the act itself isn’t different – but who is doing it is and, again, we place so much importance on who than we do what and because we do. it’s the very thing that has given so many people that “aha” moment because they learn, in that moment, that a difference which makes no difference is no difference.

That and if it didn’t go well, um, it’s usually because the other person involved didn’t give a fuck about whether it went well for the other person or not or a continued disbelief that it just ain’t ever gonna go well or be good. Not much that can be done about that but, if nothing else, this should get folks thinking about one thing: Everyone who is into this and no matter how much or whatever can’t all be wrong even if the morality that rules us says it is. Many believe it’s wrong…

And many more have that “aha” moment. It wasn’t all that bad. Wondering why they never did this before now. Asking themselves what were they afraid of. Some people can cope with the reality and the truth – aha! And some people just can’t – oh. no!

And I’m still the guy who not only knows this but will tell you about it.