Methinks I’d be remiss not to scribble something about this. One of those “Captain Obvious” kind of things says that not everyone who tries the same-sex thing finds it to their liking and, sometimes, it’s not because of anything that might have been stomping through their head before, during, and/or after the fact – sometimes it’s the person they’re with that gives birth and rise to that “Oh, no…” moment and even then it’s not always what they did but how they went about doing it.
It always sounds like a good idea until it’s been proven that it wasn’t… but in these things – and before the fact – it gets weird because, yes, it sounds like a great idea while not being so great at almost the same time. All kinds of stuff going through one’s mind and working toward the go/no-go decision and, yeah, usually more about the “bad” aspects than the “good” ones but, sure; if one doesn’t get cold feet before anything happens, the go decision is made, things get going and… oh, no.
I’ve been asked – a lot – why this happens to people. After all, they “gave their word” and/or otherwise decided and agreed to do this and the first thing I’ve said toward this is, “Well, people do change their minds, don’t they?” It’s more than that, of course, since at any point in this there’s still a lot of shit going on inside their head and causing a lot of anxiety, apprehension, self-doubt, second-guessing themselves, and just flat out being scared because, again and quite oddly, they don’t know what’s really gonna happen.
There are even guys – since I’m mostly talking about them in this – who, even as they proceed, have already made up their mind that they’re not going to like what’s about to take place but, okay, they just might, there’s some doubt (and that other stuff I mentioned) and it can all come to a head – no pun – and they find themselves in that “oh, no” moment and, most of the time, call a halt to things… and sometimes they don’t because, I’d say, a lot of this is about honor and shutting it all down can mean that they just went back on their given word.
Yep – I’ve watched a lot of guys go through this moment and I don’t really take any pleasure or anything like that when they’re having a moment that I told them they might have. Some guys have that moment in the moment of truth; mouth is about to meet cock (and no matter who goes first in doing this) and, oh, no! Sometimes the connection is made and a few seconds later, oh, no! I’ve seen guys get past the beginning, they’re kinda/sorta into it and they’re in that “I gotta cum!” moment and… oh, no!
That moment can happen at any time because one’s mind just doesn’t really shut down in the face of sexual stimulation/pleasure; it’s been hard at work the whole time assessing what’s going on and while having that moral argument going on at the same time and it can put them right into having an “oh, no” moment but, as I said a few paragraphs ago, sometimes, their own thoughts, feelings, misgivings, and, yeah, guilty feelings aren’t responsible for the “oh, no” moment showing up because they’re kinda fine and dandy…
Until the other guy says or does something and it doesn’t take much to set the “oh, no” moment off. I’m damned experienced in this and I’ve had guys trigger my “oh, hell, no” moment because of something they said or did that either I didn’t like or something that wasn’t part of the agreement and, yep, even though I know that “heat of the moment” shit does happen; if we agree not to fuck and he’s trying to fuck me, yeah – oh, hell, no – and everything grinds to a screeching halt or, really, anything that, in that moment, I have an issue with like this one guy who hauled off and slapped my balls so hard I almost tossed my cookies – and I had punched him dead in the face before I realized my hand was even moving.
In a lot of situations and during what I call “the moment of absolute clarity” that arrives either before a guy busts a nut or immediately afterward, some guys can have a very bad “oh, no” moment and usually, “What the fuck did I just do?” and if the refractory period of sex has not only run them over but backed up and ran them over again, that just makes the “oh, no” moment even worse for them… and let’s not forget that they’ve been aware that this was something they had no business doing right from the start.
In talking about it with guys after the fact, I learned that some were having an “oh, no” moment while things were being done but instead of calling a halt to things, they kept going – what’s up with that? Sometimes – again – it’s a matter of honor but sometimes, honor has nothing to do with it… but their mind is still fucking with them about it and maybe, just maybe, things will get “better” as they go along and some guys just resign themselves to the fact that they got themselves into something they’re not having fun with and it’s not worth it to shut it down, either because they don’t want to start an argument or their pride is telling them that if you say stop, that means you’re a yellow-bellied chump or something else along those lines.
Even when you sit a guy down and tell him what to expect and do so in as many clear ways you can bring to bear and he lets you know that he understands all that you’re telling him, that doesn’t mean he’s not gonna have an “oh, no” moment… and some guys are of a mind that they’re not going to, well, until they find out they’re having one and it bears repeating:
Their mind really doesn’t go on vacation while the sex is happening. Men have had the very bad rep of being “mindless” during sex and overthinking things, too, and if you were to ask a guy what he was thinking about during sex, chances are he’ll tell you that he wasn’t thinking about anything but what’s really going on is that he wasn’t thinking about anything that he was aware of and, yeah, sometimes, they do know what they were thinking but not of a mind to share it but you just don’t really stop thinking even when caught up in the throes of sex and some of the stuff that might be going on in your head can trigger an “oh, no” moment.
Yep – it always sounds like a good idea until it’s not a good idea. A guy’s mind can throw a wrench into things or the other guy can be the one tossing the wrench in and, you betcha – sometimes, even he doesn’t know what he did or said to trigger the “oh, no” moment… and sometimes they do – they just didn’t think that whatever they did or said to trigger the moment would do just that. It’s also worth mentioning that it’s not just new guys who can have one of these moments; experienced guys can have them and because of the sentence that began this paragraph.
In any situation, it’s not that an “oh, no” moment isn’t or can’t show up… it’s what happens if/when it does. Some guys shut it right down and some guys don’t and if they didn’t – and this gets brought up after the fact, the question usually is, “Well, if you didn’t really wanna do it, why did you do it?” – and good luck trying to make sense of whatever the guy who had the moment says about it. Sometimes, the “oh, no” moment isn’t that “I just fucked up” kind of thing; sometimes, the “oh, no” moment is in the form of, “Well, shit; that wasn’t as much fun or as good as I thought it would be – damn!”
Way too many reasons for this one and reasons that one or both guys can be “guilty” of and I’ve always thought that any time someone’s expectations haven’t been met or exceeded, someone is going to have some degree of an “oh, no” moment. The thing is that these moments happen and even when one has reason to think, feel, or believe that it won’t or it can’t and, honestly and truly, they’d love it if the “oh, no” moment never showed up at all.
Sometimes, the “oh, no” moment can be very traumatic and as I’ve said before, I’ve seen guys throw up, break down and start crying, and even jump up and starting running around in circles or some other action; I witnessed one guy having such a moment and he was reciting the Gettysburg Address and, nope, I’m not making that up. As one who has given a lot of guys their very first experience in this, I am always on the lookout for any signs of the other guy having an “oh, no” moment and I will stop even if they don’t say anything to ask them if they’re okay and if they say anything that sounds like, “Not, really…” then it’s over and time to make sure if he’s gonna be okay and then there’s no guarantee that he is going to be okay.
It’s fantastic to give a guy an “aha” moment; not so much when he has an “oh, no” moment and the thing I think that makes this worse is seeing a guy going through such a moment… and doing nothing to help him get through it, both at that moment and even after the fact. Some guys can handle it; a lot of guys just can’t and I’ve heard way too many first-time horror stories where a guy had an “oh, no” moment and the other guy did nothing other than to keep doing whatever he was doing or, even worse, giving the guy who said, “Stop!” a bunch of shit about stopping things.
An unattended “oh, no” moment will plant in someone’s mind that if the shit was fucked up then, it will always be fucked up so let’s not even go there again and even then, some guys won’t go there… and some guys continue to feel and have the need to go back again – the “compulsion” some guys feel to have sex like this is stupidly powerful and not all that easy to ignore.
What should a guy do to not have an “oh, no” moment? Would you believe that I don’t have an answer to that because there’s no “one size fits all” answer that I’m aware of? I will tell a guy both the good and bad of it and will tell them that they can have an “oh, no” moment at any time and they can say, “stop” at any time and it won’t be a bad reflection on them and if I think they’re in some kind of distress, I’ll stop it to check on them and if I think they’re not as okay as they say they are, yeah – time to stop because I know that if it doesn’t stop, it’s not going to be a good thing for them.
Even in this, you just don’t and can’t know if the other guy is going to have one of these moments and most of the time, the guy himself doesn’t know or doesn’t expect or anticipate that he’s gonna have one of those moments. You can’t or don’t even know what, if anything, he might do in such a moment and he, well, shit, he might not even know how he’s going to react to such a moment because that if/then/else process doesn’t always work as “logically” as it might be assumed to work. That “oh, no” moment is more emotional than physical in the majority of times and logic just tends to fail miserably when a strong emotional response appears and, again and again, there’s no telling if or when that can happen… or if it’s gonna happen at all… or it just might happen later on down the road.
Here’s the “mistake” I think guys who have an “oh, no” moment make: They don’t ever wanna talk about it and they should and more so when the real problem isn’t that they had such a moment; the real problem and “damage” happens when they keep it all bottled up inside and thinking they can deal with it on their own – then find out that they can’t… and some guys just ain’t ever gonna admit to themselves or anyone that they couldn’t deal with it.
Sometimes, we’re just too “macho” for our own good; we even read too much into it or, sometimes, not enough; nothing, I think, makes a guy who’s had this moment feel shittier than realizing that he didn’t think things through as well as he should have before diving right into it – and I think it’s both okay and normal for a guy to say, even to himself, “I didn’t think this through enough…” and/or that he overthought it so much that they made themselves have an “oh, no” moment when, all after the fact, they now know that it shouldn’t have happened.
A guy can get to feeling some kinda way that’s not good about this so much that it glosses over or just “erases” any notions that before the “oh, no” moment hit, they were enjoying themselves and to whatever degree they were; that one usually results in them giving a, “Yeah, but…” response when asked if there was anything about it they were enjoying before it all went south.
You just don’t know what’s gonna happen until it actually happens and this is true even for experienced guys. What you think or expect to happen doesn’t always match the reality of what could happen and it’s made worse because no one can think of every single possibility that could show up and, yeah, some guys have an “oh, no” moment because they’ve actually “victimized” themselves before the clothing came off. If it were possible, the best way to avoid having an “oh, no” moment is to not think… and the human mind just doesn’t work like that.
If a guy has fears or concerns before the fact, they are going to stay on his mind even in the background; there’s always that part of one’s consciousness that is always paying attention to what’s going on and despite what’s going on and the moment it runs into something that’s a “problem,” here comes an “oh, no” moment and it might not be so easily “resolved” or set aside, you know, depending on what triggered it but, yeah, if one’s mind, at any time, starts screaming, “You are making the biggest mistake that can be made!” it’s hang on to your hat time because the resulting reaction is not going to be a good one and by no stretch of the imagination.
None of this is really the “no-brainer” it appears to be. Again, some folks think that guys are so mindlessly slaves to their libido that they just jump right into this without giving it much thought and, true enough, some guys do – and then find out that it wasn’t the “no-brainer” they thought it was supposed to be or expected to be. It still and almost always sounds like a good idea right up to the moment where, oh, no! It can happen before, during, and/or after the fact and, yeah, it can really be the biggest mistake they ever made or it’s just their mind fucking with them and “denying” that what they were doing (or did) was all that and a big bag of chips because, you know, guys aren’t supposed to have sex with each other and they’re sure as hell not supposed to like it if they do.
I faithfully and dutifully remain the guy who will talk about this because it needs to be talked about. All one can do if they’re considering taking the plunge – and this goes for the ladies, too, in case you think I forgot about them – is to be as positive about plunging as you can manage and with the understanding that an “oh, no” moment can show up; it can be their “fault,” the other person’s “fault,” and, holy crap – no one’s “fault” because, sometimes, shit just goes wrongly because it can.
My advice? Don’t kid yourself into thinking that you can’t have an “oh, no” moment – but don’t go plunging and thinking that it’s definitely gonna happen because if it does, chances are good that they way you were thinking was responsible or, yep – you just became your own worst enemy with this one. Do your best to find a partner you can dive in with and one that you are sure that if things go south, they’re not going to leave you hanging and now you’re trying to deal with this all by yourself. They don’t have to be “all into you” – they just gotta really and seriously give a fuck about making your experience the best one possible and that includes making sure that you’re really okay before, during and especially after the fact.
That some people can’t or won’t do this and even if they said they would, well, that’s another scribble…