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Life, Living and Loving: Why Married Women Cheat

https://www.msn.com/en-us/lifestyle/relationships/the-reasons-why-married-women-cheat-on-their-husbands/ar-AAD15NO?ocid=spartandhp

I saw this during my reading the news moment of my daily routine and, at first, I wasn’t going to look at it since I know why married women cheat but curiosity got the best of me so I decided to read it to see if the reasons given matched what I know.

And they did so, nope, not really surprised by any of what the article said and, of particular interest, it even stated something I’ve said time and time again about infidelity: If you don’t take care of your man/woman, someone else can and will.

The article mentioned that in the minds of many, men are the number one cheaters of all times… and suggests that, um, not exactly the whole truth of things but, sure, it’s what we believe just the same. The article, I think, did a good job of pointing out the things that’ll make a married woman cheat on her hubby and made sure to mention that there’s no one specific reason that can be pointed to as a “major reason” why married women cheat.

They do. And for whatever reason makes sense to them. Sometimes there’s a reason a woman can point to and sometimes shit happens and, to be honest, we’re pretty clueless to think and suggest that shit should never happen.

Now, in my way of thinking, this doesn’t give married women a black eye or, really, says anything bad about them… but it is an indictment against monogamy and how it locks people into a pattern and cycle of behavior that isn’t always in someone’s best interests to be in and does, in fact, set the stage for a prime reason why anyone cheats: When needs aren’t being met or otherwise ignored. Indeed, the article accurately and correctly stated that women who cheat on their husbands do love their husband and don’t want to leave him – they just want more than one man could ever hope to provide.

The article warns men to be more observant and attentive to their wife’s needs and this makes sense… doesn’t mean wifey isn’t going to want to experience someone else because of an overlooked need or, as the article said, because they fucking can.

The fact of things is that one can do everything humanly possible to make their partner a happy camper and something like this can still happen. Indeed, some women step to the side because, in their minds, their husband is an overbearing son of a bitch, always all up in her business and, frankly and basically, just getting on her last good nerve and she just needs a break from that level of attention… or scrutiny, if you prefer.

Sometimes, a woman just wants someone else to take them and fuck them silly; sometimes, they just want another or different level of emotional satisfaction or comfort, not that hubby is totally incompetent or anything like that but simply because it’s different… and it’s not coming from the guy she does, in fact, love.

I know what you’re thinking: If she loves him so much, why would she do some shit like this? The answer is that marriage and being monogamous does not allow any room for being able to not only anticipate someone undergoing the usual changes people just undergo but allows zero recourse. A married woman can have her needs attended to quite well but at some point, those needs change for some reason or another and it is assumed and implied that when you get married, the person you marry is all you will ever need and that wanting/needing anything other than your mate just should never, ever happen.

Marriage and monogamy doesn’t take the human factor into consideration at all and makes – and puts – men and women in a very and nearly impossible situation: Take care of each and every need the two of you have… and, oh, yeah, provided the two of you even know this because if wifey finds she has the need for someone else, do you really think she’s gonna mention this to her husband? Do you really believe that it’s impossible for someone to come along and push all of her good buttons – and buttons she is trying to keep others from pushing?

Do you really believe that shit can’t happen? Do you believe that when you get married, you’re never, ever, gonna want something else somewhere down the road and as if you’re not going to change over any given period of time and develop needs that your partner isn’t going to be able to do anything about?

Yeah… people do believe this, don’t they? It’s not that people don’t see this very critical flaw in marriage and monogamy because they do… and that’s exactly why there’s such a thing as ethical non-monogamy or cheating with permission, if you will, and an adjustment to the state of being married that allows for wants and needs that may arise to be taken care of by, ah, outside contractors, while maintaining the marriage and taking care of all that business as well.

I’ve said time and time again that the way to prevent cheating is to remove the conditions under which it can happen and this can be done by giving “permission” to get the extra stuff that might be needed and, often, with the condition that if it’s good for the goose, it’s good for the gander and all that. A lot of these forward-thinking couples actually do this as a couple as well as individually – they put their heads together and work out how they’re gonna go about doing this so that those other needs can be taken care of by someone else and – get this – remaining happily married.

This isn’t to say that married women are gonna cheat and by some weird kind of thinking that has made all men cheaters by default – and even if they’ve never cheated and never would. Many married women are happy with the way things are but, on the downside – and often unbeknownst to their husbands, yeah, they have some needs he ain’t able to deal with and they wouldn’t mind if someone else handled them but since it’s forbidden, she suppresses all of this and keeps it all locked up inside…

And that’s been proven to be very detrimental. It’s that thing that, when you see she’s got something on her mind that bugging the shit out of her and you ask her what’s wrong… and she says, “Nothing…” If your wife ever says to you, “How can we spice things up between us?” I’m thinking that you’d better pay attention to this and not dismiss it out of hand because she might not be thinking about the two of you having more sex than you’re already having.

In response to this question, it’s my opinion you should do a bad form kind of thing and answer a question with a questions: “What do you have in mind, baby?” and, if you can, let her know that you’re not going to fly off the handle over whatever she happens to have in mind and this is important because even if you don’t know this, I know that thinking and doing are not the same things. But women who might need to ask this question won’t… because husbands tend not to react well to whatever she has in mind… and especially if it involves those, um, outside contractors and, oh, yeah, the required contractor might not be male.

Sometimes, we won’t ask her what she wants and needs… because we’re afraid that she’s really going to answer the question… and we’re not gonna like it. Men have such fragile egos and I can tell you that it can do a number on your ego to find out that your loving wife wants something from someone else other than you. Not that you’re really all that fucked up, inadequate or otherwise incompetent, mind you.

Marriage and monogamy, again, allows no room at all for anyone to grow in this sense and it sure as fuck doesn’t allow for other needs to be tended to; we just accept that if we need something our partner can’t provide, we just have to do without it but even women – the standard bearers and placeholders of marriage, are saying, “Fuck that – if you’re not gonna help me with this, I’ll do it myself!” And the article does mention that for some women, cheating is about power and really showing hubby that he might be the man and all that… but she who has the pussy makes the rules… and there ain’t shit you can do about it and if you divorce her because she’s literally flexing that muscle, you still wind up being the loser even though you’ve cut that cheating bitch loose and, sometimes, at great cost to you so that makes it a lose/lose kind of thing.

If you don’t want your wife to cheat on you, sure, be observant, attentive, ready and willing to see to her wants and need to the best of your ability to do so… but understand a few things like she may want/need someone else because they’re not you and that’s not always putting you down and as I’ve mentioned; she may want/need someone who has, ah, different equipment and a different emotional way of doing things or, bluntly, if she needs a woman, my man, you’re clearly not female.

Understand that shit does happen and even when she will go out of her way to make sure it doesn’t. If she inquires about extra spice, pay attention to what she says and do not get in her ass about any of it. Listen, pay attention and even start thinking about how you can make whatever she’s talking about happen. Don’t assume that if she says something – and she might not, to be honest – that she’s going to do it anyway.

If you, as a husband, fail to do any of this, don’t be surprised when you find out she’s been cheating on you. Now, having said this, ladies, if you have wants and needs that the guy you love ain’t or can’t take care of, you gotta be brave enough to let him know while understanding that men do have very fragile egos. It’s a risk and I’ll admit that but what makes getting caught cheating even worst than it is comes from a husband being blindsided by it – he didn’t see it coming because he didn’t know what was going on inside your head… because, you know, that’s usually not a safe or smart thing to do, right?

It’s not merely a matter of wants and needs not being addressed: It’s a major communication failure. We like to think we can talk to our spouses about anything and we can… anything but this and we don’t talk about this because, historically, the spouse hearing these things tend to not react well to them but if you don’t ask, you won’t know and, hopefully, you’re not married to someone who reaction is verbally or physically violent.

We often go about these things in this fashion: It’s better to beg forgiveness than to ask permission and we don’t ask because we assume that we’re not going to get it – and that’s usually the case – and that’s why people cheat on each other.

But what if there was a way to prevent this? Would that be something you’d be interested in and more so when it’s possible to stay married to the person you do love and want to be with?

Many of the married folks reading this would say no; it’s not to ever be thought of, let alone done and there’s no reason to think or do some shit like this. To you, I’d have to say that if you have even the tiniest worry that your spouse might cheat on you – or, not that you’d admit it – you’ve thought about some extracurricular activity or maybe even came close to shit happening, yeah, you might want to rethink this. If you’re of a mind that you’d divorce him or her before doing some shit like that, keep in mind that no one really wins in a divorce and especially when they happen in marriages that, before any of this appeared, was pretty damned good and the love shared was good and strong.

I remember someone asking me “eons” ago what I would do if my wife said she wanted to have an affair – but they didn’t know that, um, that’s exactly what had happened. My answer was, “I’d ask her what she had in mind and what are the terms she may be thinking of and, yep, what’s in it for me.”

The guy I was talking to was shocked and instead of asking me why I’d say that, he started talking about all the bad shit he’d do his wife if she ever said some shit like that to him and I told him, “Yeah, I get it… and that would be a mistake, home boy.”

And not many people really understand how and why this is a huge mistake; it’s another case of people being institutionalized and, dare I say, mindfucked into believing that this is the way being married should be handled – it’s the way it’s always been and always will be – but not taking into consideration that the reality is very different. You’re not supposed to want more than what you already have… even when it becomes apparent that what you have, even when good, just isn’t enough for you to keep being the person you also want and need to be.

We make it clear to each other that if you have a need for anything we can’t provide, well, you’re not supposed to but if you do, it sucks to be you because nothing is going to be done about it and if you do decide to do something about it, it’s really gonna suck to be you when you get busted.

Ever wonder why the United States has pretty much always led the league in divorces? There are a lot of reasons… but this particular situation is one of them and a pretty significant one. We maintain that one cannot have their cake and eat it, too, the greedy bastards/bitches…

But what if you could… and not lose what you already have? Or are you of a mind that it’s not worth it and it’s better to suffer with your unfulfilled needs and because some long-dead motherfuckers said that you had to? How’s that been working for you, hmm? Silence, as it turns out, isn’t always golden, ignorance isn’t always as blissful as its said to be, and what you don’t know can hurt the fuck out of you and like you wouldn’t believe or, really, don’t want to believe.

And who among us that are married don’t secretly worry about our spouses finding a reason to cheat on us or, hah-hah, we believe that they’d never do such a thing and, indeed, aren’t supposed to so such a thing and no matter what’s going on with them and even if, by chance, you’re not holding up your end of the table – and as the article put it – and you know you aren’t.

Women cheat on their husbands; click on the link and see the reasons why and, without applying your moral compass, ask yourself if the reasons given are not only true but makes sense… and maybe you’ll see the flaws in being married and monogamous but, nah, I’m not so sure there are a lot of people who can see this for what it really is because their moral compass insists that shit like this can’t happen and is never supposed to happen… even when it’s a well-known fact that even married women cheat and perhaps a bit more than married men do.

 
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Posted by on 18 July 2019 in Life, Living and Loving

 

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Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: Can You Handle the Truth?

You’re sitting around, watching TV, reading, whatever, and your wife/husband/boyfriend/girlfriend/fiance/fiancee comes up to you and says they need to talk to you about something…

And that something is that they’re bisexual – could be that they’ve been bisexual all along or it’s a more recent self-discovery. What’s your reaction? I’d like for you to really and seriously think about this – how you’d react upon hearing this, what your response will (or might) be once you get over the initial shock and, importantly, what’s driving your response – and even if you suspected that your partner isn’t as straight as you may have originally thought or as they may have said, implied, whatever.

What are you thinking? How is what they’re telling you making you feel? Speaking of feelings, other than being initially shocked because of this, are you feeling hurt? Betrayed? Anything along those lines? As they talk to you, are you really listening to what they’re saying… or are you more inside your own head and, perhaps, thinking about what you believe in and, importantly, what you don’t believe in?

If so, ask yourself why you don’t believe… then ask yourself why you’re not paying a whole lot of attention to what your partner, realistically, decided they’re brave enough – and this is important enough – to tell you about it.

Can you handle the truth? Are you – and like a lot of people – more concerned about how this news is affecting you than you are how it’s affecting your partner? Are you finding yourself saying, either to yourself or to them, that you don’t understand what they’re saying or, being completely honest, you do understand the words that are coming out of their mouth but there’s something making you not understand?

While they’re probably struggling to explain all of this to you, are you giving any thought to how difficult this was for them to bring up and, for extra credit, if you’re hearing this and about to blow a fuse, has it crossed your mind that the reason why you’re just now hearing about this is because they knew, with a high degree of certainty, that you’d blow a fuse?

Are you thinking that they lied to you? Have been deceiving you? That they’ve been out there all along doing dirt behind your back and even if they’re swearing to all they hold holy that they’ve done nothing and they’re just telling you how they feel and why they do? Are you basing these particular thoughts on whether or not they were actively bisexual before you two met… or, as I said, to them, this is a recent discovery about themselves?

What’s your reaction? How would you respond? Can you handle the truth? Are you allowing your intellect to sort things out in your head, focusing on the facts as they’re being presented… or do you find yourself being… emotional – upset, angry, whatever – and that what you’re hearing goes against everything you believe in…

And regardless to whatever you might actually know? I know this is a lot to think about but I am asking you to think about it because there is a point I’m trying to make and maybe, just maybe, you already know what it is… but there’s another question I wanna ask while you’re processing – or completely and studiously ignoring – this and that is are you thinking about how hearing this news is making you feel and how it’s impacting your thoughts about yourself?

Okay, to the point and if you haven’t figured it out already: Most people can’t handle the truth about this and if you’ve thought about all of this and found that hearing this news is, in fact, clashing against that which you believe – and as I’ve asked hundreds of times in my scribbles – why don’t you believe or, maybe a bit more to the point, why you’re not believing what they’re telling you?

You see, the debate on the forum is picking up about “sexual politics,” acceptance, and tolerance and what can be done to, one, not make bisexuality a political issue or cause and similar to how homosexuality became and, two, what changes have to happen in order to achieve the goals of acceptance and tolerance – and while factoring in monogamy and how it may or may not play a major role where acceptance and tolerance is concerned.

The membership has been responding to this and offering up their opinions and suggestions for a resolution… and, I think, without really thinking about the real “enemy” in this version of the war against bisexuality:

What people believe… or don’t believe.

Like I asked in my last scribble, how does one fight belief? How do people tend to behave when their beliefs are questioned and, I think, importantly, why is it that even when handed the facts of a matter, we tend to go with what we believe more than those facts and as presented? So, um, when your partner – or even a close friend – shares this information with you – and because they decided that you can be trusted with it – are you likely to ask them, “What do you plan on doing about this if anything?” or do you, in your own way, go right off the deep end… and like so many people are wont to do? Are you more likely to reject what they’re telling you and while giving some thought to rejecting them?

Can you handle the truth… and a truth that, in most cases, doesn’t have a damned thing to do with you… but you just automatically assume that it does and because what you believe in says that it does have something to do with you and is, in fact, the source of why you’re reacting the way you are and more so if your reaction is negative…

And because you don’t believe in that shit? More questions: Are you – and if you’ve done as I’ve asked – thinking, “I would never do some shit like that!” and the reason you’re thinking this is that you don’t believe that anyone should do shit like that… or you’re really kinda/sorta okay with other people being bisexual… but you don’t believe that someone who’s close to you should be anything other than the straight person that, perhaps, you believed them to be?

How do you fight against belief? If you’re the type of person who values the truth over all else, why are you finding it hard to accept this truth about that person who’s close to you? Do you not accept that truth because that which you believe insists that what they’re telling you cannot be true?

Another point, if I may? All of this is one gigantic example of why bisexuals are loathe to say anything to anyone about their sexuality; this is an example of how and why friendships and relationships get trashed beyond repair… and all because of what someone doesn’t believe. “Common sense” says that the issue of acceptance and tolerance should be easy to achieve but even common sense stands little chance of being accepted when facing that which someone believes.

And, again, what you believe always trumps the facts of the matter. Do you see this? Do you understand it? Would you be willing to change what you believe in this and for the sake of friendship and, importantly, love? Or, as previously asked, would you reject the truth and, in turn, reject them because your sensibilities have been offended as well as what you believe?

Let’s talk about homosexuals for a moment. I know they’ve been fighting – and sometimes dying – for their right to be the person they need to be, to be treated just like everyone else is treated as well as having the same civil and/or social rights everyone else has, like getting married and even adopting children and including having children via surrogates, IVF, whatever. As you know, it took a lot of political fighting before, at least here in the US, the various states got around to saying that, yes, homosexuals aren’t really any different from anyone else and, therefore, have the same rights as everyone else.

And there are still people who just do not believe that homosexuals should have or even deserve to have those rights… because it goes against everything they believe in. That and the fact that everyone has the right to believe whatever they want to – and disbelieve anything they want to and, by right, you cannot make people believe something they don’t want to.

This isn’t a fight for rights; it’s not really a battle being waged for the purpose of acceptance and tolerance: This is human nature we’re fighting against and, specifically, systems of belief and systems of believe that are, amazingly, more powerful than the truth.

How many times have I asked you to ask yourself why you don’t believe that men should have sex with other men or that women can’t have sex with other women? I’ve asked and few if any people have responded; it’s not their concern, not their problem, they have better things to do and/or they don’t believe it’s important enough to say anything about it… and, to make things more interesting, you believe that you’d never, ever find yourself in such a situation and if you did, well, you’re gonna do X. Y, Z, J, R to rid yourself of this annoyance and an annoyance that does, you may discover, clash greatly against that which you believe.

Acceptance and tolerance regarding bisexuality should happen and, eventually, it will happen – but only after people and societies start to change that which they believe about such things. Yes, indeed, some folks are accepting and they are tolerant even when the bisexual involved turns out to be their bisexual and now it’s a matter of what to do or not, which factors in the monogamy part of the forum discussing and the fact that monogamy is something many people believe in… even when they know or it’s been proven to them in many ways that monogamy, being a human social construct, is severely flawed and while it works well for some, bleh, it sure as shit doesn’t work for everyone…

But we believe that it works the way we were told it should work even when faced with the facts and truths that, um, no, not really. How long did people believe that the world was flat before they finally accept that it wasn’t? How long did people believe that the Earth was the center of the universe and everything revolved around our big blue marble and, importantly, how such heretical bullshit was rejected and disbelieved and the presenters of the truth were punished for such thinking and lies?

How many of you reading this believe that you could never, ever, find yourself having feelings of bisexuality?

Do you see what bisexuals are up against?

Can you handle the truth?

Or is what you believe in this carrying more weight than the truth that there’s a bisexual talking to you about this? And if you’re thinking, “Yeah, but…” do you see why you’re thinking this? Can you see how horribly and incredibly difficult it is when the truth runs head-first into that which people believe in… or don’t?

I even see where there are a lot of bisexuals who are having a hard time accepting the truth and as evidenced by all the many ways I see almost every damned day people are trying to define what bisexuality really is and what it looks like… and the culprit behind it all is belief. Does gender really play an important role in bisexuality? No, it really doesn’t – but many people believe that it does and it’s been my opinion that people believe this because they cannot handle the truth of things, that being, humans are just emotionally and physically attracted to each other… because we were designed that way… but we believe in the dogma that says we shouldn’t be and, yeah, not only should everyone be straight, but everyone has to be monogamous… even when it proven that they’d be better off as a paired entity to not be so monogamous.

It makes sense to not be so monogamous but belief says it doesn’t – it shouldn’t – it can’t make sense… and in the face of the fact that a slew of people are not being so monogamous and having the time of their lives… and it’s believed that they shouldn’t be having any fun at all.

Hah – do you even give a fuck about any of this one way or the other? How do you get people to give a fuck when they “know” and firmly believe that they don’t have to if they don’t want to; they don’t have to “put up” with it, don’t have to accept it, and they’re sure as fuck don’t have to be tolerant if they don’t want to be.

Making this a sociopolitical issue isn’t, in my opinion, gonna do jack shit toward bisexual acceptance and tolerance. What’s really being asked is for people who do not believe in this to accept and be tolerant of something that’s real and true… but they don’t believe it should be.

How do you fight against this? There’s only one way that I know of and that’s to change people’s minds, to challenge what they believe in this and get them to see the truth and accept it…

And despite that which they believe in. How do you get someone to believe in something that they have no real point of reference for or, um, they’ve never done such a thing or, um, they did and found it not to their liking? Would you believe that most of the people speaking out against the reality of bisexuality actually have no actual life experiences in this regard and that what they believe – or don’t believe – is based on hearsay and the negative experiences others have encountered.

Oh, and they just don’t believe in this shit at all.

I asked if you can handle the truth and if you’re thinking, “Yeah, but…” I’ll ask you again – what are the “buts” that you’re thinking and how are they related to what you believe?

 
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Posted by on 1 July 2019 in Today's Bisexual Thoughts

 

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Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: Between a Rock and a Hard Place

Forums for bisexuals allow people to ask a lot of questions, from what to do and how to do it right along with who to do it with. Since my last couple of scribbles have been about alternative relationships, it makes sense to (once again) talk about this where bisexuality is concerned because a lot of guys – and, perhaps, a lot of women – want to know how to go about getting permission to take a side-step from the relationship in order to satisfy their needs in this.

A lot of guys ask, “How can I get permission?” and the simplest answer is, “Ask for it…” except to say that it’s easier said than done doesn’t do the situation any justice and more so when one can automatically assume that the answer is going to be, “Hell no! Are you out of your fucking mind?”

It’s a question I’ve been asked a lot over the decades and if I’ve learned anything, it’s that before you gird your loins and ask a question that just might get your head handed to you, it’s best to have a plan in place and more so when one of the questions you’re gonna have to answer – and provided the conversation gets past the initial question – is, “What’s in it for me? Why should I agree to any of this?”

Having to explain your bisexuality to someone who didn’t know about it – and no matter when it presented itself – is no easy task so attempting to get permission also includes thinking long and hard about how you’re going to explain to your partner that you’re not as straight as they thought you were… and to continue with the understatements, just doing that is a clusterfuck all by itself especially if you were quite bisexual before entering into the relationship.

Not many bisexuals survive this aspect of the conversation and if they do, chances are good they’ve taken quite the emotional beating and, as such, makes the next phase of the conversation so incredibly difficult that many decide it’s not worth the hassle and just drop it. Still, it’s not impossible or wholly improbable that a partner isn’t going to understand this and even accept it… but doing is something else and the rules of being in a relationship says it’s okay to think about it as long as you never try to do anything about it.

You see the problem, right? Guys – in particular – might still want to push to get permission and anyone – not just bisexuals – who are of a mind to break with tradition and take an alternative path knows what it feels like to know, deep down in your bones, that it’s something that has to be done, even if for that person’s sanity, peace of mind, stuff like that. They understand that by putting this out there, they’re gonna get their asses handed to them but this is of such great importance, they’re willing to speak to it and take that ass-kicking if that’s how it comes down and turns out.

I’ve seen and heard some pretty damned eloquent and logical arguments toward getting permission… and I’ve seen and heard them totally and utterly fail in that, “Yeah, but…” way because logical discourse carries little or no weight with such an emotional topic of discussion. One’s intelligence can, in fact, see how it makes sense but emotionally?

I’ve learned that if you’re unable to explain why it’s in your partner’s best interest to give permission, you’re fucked and not in a good way. If you’re unwilling to metaphorically offer up everything including your soul to gain permission, ditto. If you don’t look at your partner and ask them, “What would it take for me to get your permission?” – and then be willing and able to do whatever they say it’s gonna take, don’t even bother to ask.

Which brings up the next “Captain Obvious” moment: It’s better to beg forgiveness than to ask permission… not that you’re gonna be forgiven for any transgressions because we hold true that there is no reason whatsoever for stepping out that you’re gonna be able to give short of, “The guy put a gun to my head and I had no choice!”

That’ll open up a whole new can of worms but, again, you see the problem here, don’t you?

Do some bisexuals succeed in getting permission? Yes, they do and if you wanted to know how they managed to do it, you’d have to ask them and, in particular, what they had to “give” in return to get that most coveted permission… and sometimes, that which they have to give in return is along the lines of what’s good for the goose is good for the gander – if you want me to say that it’s okay for you to go outside of the relationship for this, then it has to be okay for me to do the same thing – and even if your partner actually has no need for some quid pro quo.

So when contemplating asking for permission, you gotta ask yourself, “What am I willing to do/give in return?” and if you come up with something that you’re not willing to give/do in return, it’ll be in your best interest to figure out how to do just that… then hope it’s going to be accepted… and then you’d better not ever renege on the deal. Prepare yourself to be subjected to a boatload of conditions and conditions that are not only non-negotiable but to also understand that the person setting the condition reserves the right to revoke or modify them as it suits them and at any time they want to.

Sound like being between a rock and a hard place? That’s because it is! Now, some bisexuals catch a huge break because, well, who knew – their partner has similar thoughts and feelings in the area of bisexuality so, hmm, invoking quid pro quo, if you wanna explore this, then I get to explore as well and now some even more intense negotiations are gonna take place. Some bisexuals get permission but in a way where their partner opts to be detached from it; they don’t wanna hear about it, don’t wanna know about it – keep that shit to yourself and be glad that you’re still in a relationship with them.

That might sound like a good thing but I don’t really believe it is; chances are that the permission was grudgingly given (or given despite great resistance) but in the giving, there’s some shit now going on with the partner that you’re not gonna know about and it’s probably not going to be good and will only serve to erode the relationship.

To get permission takes a whole lot to achieve and one usually has to go through a lot of shit petitioning for permission… and still not get it while almost guaranteeing that the relationship might not last much longer or if it continues, it’s been irrevocably changed and not for the better.

This is true even when sexuality isn’t at the crux of things. As previously written, two people can, if they’re of a mind to, sit down and talk about invoking an alternative relationship intelligently and logically; the logic of it all can be eloquent, impeccable, and damned near flawless… but it’s the emotional response and reaction as any such conversation will clash with one’s beliefs when it comes to how relationships are supposed to go and work… and getting permission goes against these beliefs and the more someone believes in the tenants of monogamy, the harder it is to even bring the subject up, let alone be in a position to ask for permission or to gain buy-in to such a heinous and unthinkable thing for any couple to engage in.

I’ve heard both men and women – and sexuality notwithstanding – petition for this and speaking to how they need this to preserve their sense of self, their sanity, and other things that, again, logically, makes sense and the end result of such pleas is, “It sucks to be you… and you need to start looking for another place to live and while you do that, I’ll help you pack.”

It sounds strange that someone would choose to let the person they love suffer – and even when they find that there’s some merit to starting an alternative relationship. A relationship will go from being about us to being about me so fast that saying it isn’t funny – and like a lot of what I’ve written today – is an understatement and epically so. And, sadly, that’s when a lot of people find out what they want and need doesn’t mean jack shit…

Because their partner doesn’t believe in it. I’ve seen such conversations go from being about the person asking for an alternative relationship to the person they’re talking to: What about me? What about my feelings? And the negativity along those lines just keeps getting worse; the thing that was once something that would change your life – and your life with them – in some very positive ways now becomes a self-preservation crisis for the other person and when it comes down to saving one’s ass over someone else’s, guess which way that decision is going to go?

And if your life crashes and burns because the suggestion has been summarily rejected, too bad; if the rejection sets the relationship on the path of destruction, that’s too bad as well. And doesn’t it just totally and completely suck to learn that the person who says they love and care about you doesn’t love or care about you as much as they say they do?

Yeah, it does… which is why people are reluctant to bring the subject up even when both people know that such a change could potentially be a boon for both of them. The level of thinking before even bringing up the subject and the reasons for bringing it up are beyond daunting; you have to be prepared to answer every question you’d think they’d ask as well as any probably questions that might come up. You have to be prepared to put it all on the table and by all, I mean that literally; holding back anything isn’t going to help and that includes what scares the shit out of you about it should permission and/or buy-in happen.

You have to be able to see a future and its consequences that may or may not happen and that might include making promises that you can’t be sure that can be kept and despite your best efforts. When the “what if” game begins, you’d better have an answer for every question and no matter how crazy it might sound because you’re in a battle against someone else’s beliefs and sensibilities and, oh, yeah, there’s no way to know what they’re gonna ask. You’re gonna get kicked in the crotch when they say, “You’re not who I thought you were…” right along with how you somehow managed to deceive and lie to them (and even if you haven’t) and, oddly, not giving one thought about the fact that you’re not the person the petitioner thought you were, either.

And that’s without sexuality being involved – think about that for a moment while I go take a look at what Microsoft is talking about during their E3 presentation.

It’s not impossible – it’s just horribly and extremely difficult. If you and your partner can’t sit down and talk about your thoughts, feelings, and even fantasies, that just makes things even harder… and a lot of couples can’t do that because it’s too often assume that if you’re thinking about something, you’re gonna do it, that and such open “confessions” are, sadly, subject to reprisals and repercussions because such things are never to be thought about, let alone talked about… and even if one or both partners have been thinking about how their fantasies can be made real.

You just do not talk about this shit and you sure as fuck don’t ever propose that we spit in the face of eons of monogamous tradition even when there’s a damned good reason for putting a good loogie in the eye of tradition.

There’s no tried and true way to go about this and that all by itself makes it a treacherous road to travel – it’s not what you know that causes issues, it’s what you don’t know but, sure, at least at a high level, if you don’t ask, you won’t know and, sure, if you ask, you might wind up regretting it and putting the relationship at great risk.

Being between a rock and a hard place just doesn’t do this topic any justice.

 
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Posted by on 9 June 2019 in Today's Bisexual Thoughts

 

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Life, Living and Loving: More on the Alternatives

On the heels of writing about this yesterday, I found myself in a bit of a pensive and reflective mood, alternating between smiling and frowning while thinking along the lines of that if I knew then what I know now…

I found myself thinking that if the wealth of information about alternative relationships available today had existed when I began this journey, a lot of the things I know I fucked up may not have gotten fucked up but in a lot of ways, learning it via on the job training is one hell of a learning experience because when you don’t know how to do a thing – and there’s no “instruction manual,” well, hang onto your hat and ass because you’re going for one hell of a ride.

I made mistakes… but traveling this path wasn’t one of them and without question, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. I recall the many sleepless nights I experienced in the early going, the many headaches I gave myself trying to work it all out in my head and, I guess, stupidly or futilely, trying to envision a future that hasn’t happened or, realistically, may not happen. I keenly remember the emotional pain upon hearing some stuff that no one wants to hear and trying to wrap my head around the confusing thing of, “It’s not you all that much – it’s me…” and trying to make sense of it and all with the traditional mindset about love, sex, and relationships firmly in my mind…

And finding out that that mindset was severely flawed, that everything I believed in wasn’t as much a lie as it failed to represent life’s true reality, that this stuff really doesn’t work as flawlessly as its said to be and that, as an idea or theory, it works on paper rather nicely… and the reality can be a very hard and glacially cold slap in the face and more so when you learn that the person you thought you knew was a lot more than what you thought you knew.

That probably doesn’t read correctly but, hopefully, you get the gist of it.

But I learned two things: How to do it and how not to do it and the only way to learn these things is to make mistakes and, again, I know for my part I made a lot of them and mistakes that, today, would never happen but, sure, nothing is really fool- or idiot-proof and if you’re human, you’re gonna make mistakes of some kind – it’s just what you do after you make them that matters.

I see the sense of it all just as I see the flaws in our beliefs and one of the big ones is that if you think that you can be all that someone else will ever want and need, you’ve been drinking the Kool-Aid and more so when you consider that the wants and needs of the person your with are not static; they might start out one way but over time, they change and in a lot of situations, there are some changes that aren’t allowed, a lot of wants and needs that violate the spirit and letter of the rules that bind us and to the point where not only are you not allowed to want or need anything else, you can’t even say anything about these changes in what you want and need and, mostly, to [hopefully] be a better person and, in turn, be a better partner.

It’s one hell of a kick in the crotch and both revelations are, to be honest. Then, should you manage to recover from the utter shock of these revelations, now what? What the fuck are you supposed to do when reality rears back and crotch-kicks you like trying to make a 60-yard field goal? Usually, it means the end of the relationship but as I’ve often said, what if that’s not the smartest thing to do? Even when breaking up isn’t an option, it’s not as if you can ignore what has been revealed and even if you try to do just that, um, that stuff ain’t going away and can make the need for great change even more pointed and maybe even urgent… because nothing fucks shit up like knowing your partner – or even yourself – needs something and those needs are rejected out of hand, not because of any inability to provide for them but because you’re not supposed to do anything about them.

There’s nothing that can be done and that’s just the way it is and has to be, right?

No, not really… and that’s a big-time wakeup call and one that, today, a lot of couples are answering because it benefits them to answer it. More and more people are, as I said yesterday, finding a way to have their cake and eat it, too, and without fucking up the relationship they started with. I have heard one person tell another, “If you truly love me – if we truly love each other as much as we say we do – we have to find a way to make this work.”

And I’ve heard people say, “I love you with all my heart and soul; there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for you… but I’m not gonna do that.” This sentiment alone exposes a hypocrisy, doesn’t it? Nah, not too many people are gonna go out and rob a bank or kill someone just to prove how much love you have for someone; “there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for you” does some with some common sense exceptions. But in a lot of these situations, that which is wanted and needed can be done – it’s just simply not even close to being an easy thing to do because, again and again, you have to unlearn some shit… and a lot of it so you can learn some new shit… and there’s a god-awful amount of new shit to be learned.

Not in what to do going forward but about your partner and yourself and I can tell you, that’s not at all pretty and I am understating this because I can’t begin to put into words just how horrifically ugly this can be.

It’s the reason why when someone would approach me and ask how they could do what I was doing, I’d try to talk them out of it and explain to them that even if they had an idea of how difficult it is to even bring up in a conversation, it is much, much worse than that.

How would you react and feel to know and hear it from your partner that you’re everything they want in a person… and not so much? It’s being enough and not enough all wrapped up in a very not-so-pretty package… and being emphatically told that you’re still very much loved and needed that that life just wouldn’t be the same without you…

But.

People would ask me, “How in the name of all that’s holy could you decide to go along with this shit?” It’s not easy to explain and the easiest way I could explain it was like this: I had some choices to make and based upon what I was told, namely, with or without my “permission,” it was gonna happen anyway. Do I forbid it (and as expected), put my foot down hard and, Jesus, violently so? Do I cut my losses and dissolve the marriage? And, importantly, do I really love her as much as I know and say that I do?

Shit. Then this: Which thing would be the absolute worse: To know what she was doing and who she was doing it with and the why of it all (even if it didn’t make sense to me at first)… or not knowing?

A lot of people were, um, nice enough to tell me what they wouldn’t have done along with what I should have done, up to and including kicking her ass for such blatant disrespect… but what kind of man would I be if I did some heinous shit like that? I’d tell them that, sure, it’s easy for you to say shit like that because you weren’t the one “on the spot” and having to make such a decision.

I made the decision I made, not because there were no other choices but because those other choices were unpalatable… and I did, in fact, love her as much as I knew and said I did. Even as I said the words, I could see how all of this could go badly and because of what I already knew about both of us but, shit, it can’t go badly if you don’t try to do it and I even said, “I have a bad feeling that I’m going to regret this…”

And, in a lot of ways, I did… but in many more ways, to not have done it would have been an even bigger regret; even today, I shudder to think what life would have been like if any of the “options” had been invoked and that scares me even more than starting the journey did.

The worst of it, believe it or not, was really what everyone who figured it out had to say… and none of it was good and even when you expect a lot of negative feedback, wow, we both heard some pretty fucked up shit coming from other folks and me more than her because it just stood to reason that this was all my idea… and it wasn’t but, okay, not gonna believe me and I expected that.

Were we crazy? Insane? Doing the dumbest thing two people could ever think or conceive of doing? Hell, even we thought that but you try explaining to someone who mind is very much embedded in the way things are supposed to be how that doesn’t always work and that “for better or worse” has much more far-reaching implications than the words may seem to imply… but “worse” doesn’t have to be as bad as it implies… or that some, ah, judiciously applied sundering can be just the thing that’s needed to maintain a relationship that neither person wants to get thrown away and without doing everything humanly possible to keep it together.

Or, really, what are you willing to do for the sake of love itself? For many of the people we knew, eh, not a whole lot and most certainly not what we did. It was wonderful, scary, and with a lot of pot holes along the way to fall into and/or be tripped up by and mistakes were made, forgiven, rectified and corrected and the journey continued. Shaken, humbled beyond belief and, again, scared shitless to sit back and think (or ask each other), “What the fuck have we gotten ourselves into?” The “what” was obvious; the “why” only obvious to us and while a lot of people could see the logic in such an approach, the emotional resistance and angst was, all too often, too much for some sensibilities and, to be honest, I don’t know how many times we sat down and talked about just giving this aspect up.

And we had a few busloads of reasons for abandoning the journey… and we didn’t. Sometimes it was because we’d come to far and put too much into it to just walk away, not that anything would have been “lost” had we agreed to do this but, on the other hand, what’s to say that we’d decide to end this… and find out that ending it turned out to be the mistake or that Mr. Murphy would come along and provide one or both of us with a reason to once more walk the path?

It’s not what you know that can fuck you up the most – it’s what you don’t know and even as experienced as we’d become in this, there was a lot we didn’t know – a lot we just couldn’t see or attempt to predict. So we stayed the course… because for better or worse, it was working. Not perfectly or ideally but it worked just the same.

I looked back at all of this and then I looked at what some folks are, dare I say, bravely doing today and I know what it’s like to have this staring you in the face; I know how fucking scary it is just as I know how unbelievably exciting it all can be. I know now what I didn’t know then and, yeah, I still think it was pretty fucking insane and no matter the reasons for the insanity.

I will tell anyone who asks about this a lot of things I learned about it, both the good and the butt-ugly parts of it and more so since I/we didn’t have the advantage of having some very wise couple tell us how to do it and how not to do it and I do wonder if such mentorship had been available, would we have done it?

I don’t know. I know that any couple who even dares to go here has to find their own way – what’s gonna work for them and in the way it needs to work but just like any relationship, there are still a lot of do’s and don’t’s involved and while it calls for the breaking of a lot of rules, there are other rules that must be put in place in the old rules’ stead.

What’s the biggest mistake? It’s the rules themselves and for two reasons: Too many of them and then making them unchangeable and non-negotiable because even in this, whatever your alternative relationship of choice happens to be, it’s not static and remains subject to change at any time and for any reason and if you don’t change or adjust accordingly, your experience isn’t going to be as good as it could be.

Some folks, like DDJennifer, actually have a contract that defines and binds them to their alternative relationship and, shit, I wish I/we had been smart enough back then to actually write that shit down so that when change was needed, we could literally go back and see what we wrote down so things could be changed according to its need or even in those moments when we’d wonder if something was really within the rules or, shit, something that never came up before it did.

Is this for everyone? Again, not only no but hell, no. I wouldn’t even insult anyone by saying it’s easier said than done… because it isn’t and I’ll tell you why: It has nothing to do with intelligence, logic, or even common sense; the resistance is purely emotional and tied to that which we believe and have been told about what it means to be in a relationship.

And, if by chance, you’re reading this and you think this is bullshit, ask yourself why it sounds like some whacked-out, freaky-assed bullshit and what’s telling you that is and if you’re saying, “Yeah, but…”

Strangely, it was hard for me to write this because even if I didn’t mention every little mistake or fuck-up done on my part, I am all too aware of each and every one of them, just like I know that I’m not the only one who screwed the pooch along the way – we both did.

I just don’t have any real regrets about having taken that journey. No matter how it turned out, we did what we had to do and did it to the best of our ability. For better or worse. No matter how insane everyone else thought we were for it and, yeah, no matter how crazy we thought we were as well.

The biggest question is: If I could do it tomorrow, knowing all that I know about this, would I? And, perhaps insanely, yeah, I would because it is one hell of a journey and when it comes to being in love, it’s not outside the realm of possibility to do – that and I know it can be done… because I’ve done it. For better or worse.

Even for better and worse.

 
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Posted by on 7 June 2019 in Life, Living and Loving

 

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Life, Living and Loving: The Alternatives

More and more people are turning away from traditional relationships in favor of alternative ones that are a strange mix of the traditional and the heady feeling of not truly being bound by those traditions and it is one hell of a learning experience and one that impacts damned near everything in your life.

As I’ve written in those moments I’ve had reason to write about them, it’s not as easy as it sounds… and it sure as hell doesn’t sound all that easy since you have to (as I always say) unlearn everything you thought you knew about love, sex, and relationships so you can learn a very different way to do these things.

As Mike Tyson famously said, “Everyone has a plan until they get punched in the face…” and, wow, he nailed it. It’s not easy to sit down and put this conversation on the table and if you manage to get past this part – and many people don’t – it gets even harder to do everything that’s needed to formulate a plan and more so when what you’re really talking and planning for is a future that cannot be seen or predicted…

And then, if you manage to get through this part, then you get punched in the face with a reality that isn’t going to pull any punches; the “funny” thing about this is that when you know you’re gonna get punched in the face, you know it’s gonna hurt but you don’t know how much it’s gonna hurt until you get punched; maybe it’s a tap that’ll get your attention or you wind up “waking up” and asking, “What happened?”

Breaking tradition is wonderfully and excitingly scary as fuck; it’s most certainly the scariest thing I’ve ever done and I don’t scare easily and the scariest thing isn’t what you do with this new-found “freedom” – it’s what you learn about yourself and, then, what you learn about your “partner in crime” as they travel this path at your side.

Tradition says that no one should ever have a reason to do something like this – you know, those “for better or worse” and “keeping only unto yourself” things that even unmarried couples are held to. Tradition is all well and good… right up to the moment when it’s realized that it’s not working as “promised” or expected and now you’re truly into the “worse” part of “for better or worse” and trying to figure out what to do and what most people do when faced with “worse” is to break up.

But what if you didn’t have to? A lot of people say that they could never do such a thing even when it does, in fact, dawn on them that if they were to do this or that, their relationship could be made better for it. Such a thought is, for another fact, one of those answers to the question, “What can we do to spice things up or otherwise make our lives together better than what it is at this moment?”

Another question is a lot more personal: What do I need to make me a better person for myself and my partner? And as strange as it sounds, sometimes you need an “outsider” to be able to answer that particular question as well as the “what can we do” question… but how do you do this and not fuck up everything in the process?

Did I mention that it’s not easy? Some believe that it’s impossible and I’ve known couples who’ve said this but have also allowed that, even as individuals, they’ve started working on how to make the impossible possible and more so when breaking up in any form isn’t a viable option.

“Well, if being together ain’t working for them, then something must be wrong and they need to break up!” This is what I’d call a typical sentiment and I’d say, “You’re right – there is something wrong but what’s wrong isn’t the two of them: It’s the institution they’ve “slaved” themselves to because it doesn’t allow anyone to be able to express themselves as may be needed and it sure as hell doesn’t allow for the personal growth everyone must experience.”

And it still begs the question: “What if breaking up isn’t the answer?” And many are discovering that there is another solution and one that takes all of the rules and just breaks the shit out of them. Even when I got faced with this, I was reminded of something my mother told me the day I told her I was getting married:

“Your marriage is only going to be a good as the two of you can make it…” – then she said, “I hope you know what you’re doing!”

Begs another question: What are you willing to do to make your relationship the best it can be? Today, and as mentioned, a lot of people are answering that question and even reshaping the question to read as, “What can we do to make our lives together better, happy and satisfying?”

It is said and accepted that you can’t have your cake and eat it, too; we accept that it can’t be and shouldn’t be done. We also tend to ask our partners, “What do you need? What do you want? What’s gonna make you happy being with me and happy with yourself?”

And we sometimes, ah, “foolishly” go about these things with the premise that if you’re with me, I’m all you’re ever going to need; we assume it and even swear before God and company that this is the whole truth of things… right up until you find out that it isn’t and since you’re not allowed to do a whole lot to change this, the only acceptable answer is to cut your losses and dissolve the relationship and hope that the next one will be better, well, until you realize that all you’re really doing is doing the same thing over again and expecting a different result.

Are alternative relationships for everyone? Not only no but hell no. It’s not the doing that makes it unthinkable – the roadblock is, in fact, that which we’ve all been made to believe; it’s the thing where you can sit down and have an intelligent and even logical conversation about this and even faced with stuff, the answer is usually, “Nope – not gonna do that!” even when it becomes clear that not doing that is leading to a place that neither person wants to visit.

You just get sick and tired of always breaking up with someone and hoping that by doing so, things will be better and it’s a lot worse when, as mentioned, breaking up with them just isn’t really an option; it’s not so much broken but it could be better, not only for us as a couple but as individuals.

Or, as I asked a couple once, “Why continue to suffer with being stagnant and stuck in a place that neither of you want to be in, both as a couple and as individuals? Are you really that selfish that you’re willing to let your partner go through a lot of really depressing shit just to satisfy your need to stick with tradition and if you are, Jesus, do you really love them as much as you say you do?”

They both said, “We don’t want to break up!” and I said, “Then don’t – figure it out and you’ll see what you need to do and once you both see it, work together to figure out how to make it work.”

They figured it out and made it work but as I also pointed out to them, the reason why it doesn’t work – outside of our belief that it can’t – is we don’t know how to “multitask,” for lack of a better word. Today you can go on the Internet and find a plethora of information that’ll give good hints and tips on how to do the impossible and even tell you why you should kick tradition to the curb.

Worried about your partner cheating on you? Well, would removing as many causes for cheating be of interest to you? Truth is, for many people, it’s not… because tradition says it shouldn’t be and that should tell you something. Then there’s this question: How much happier would you be as a person and as a couple if you could, indeed, have your cake and eat it, too?

Sound daunting? It should… because it is. Is it the “perfect solution?” Not always but that’s not so much a problem of execution as it is a problem in planning. I’ve heard people say that they could never be intimate with someone else while they’re with someone… and when every fiber of their being is screaming at them that this is what they need and/or what their partner needs so they can continue to be happy together. Doesn’t always mean sex; there is an emotional component at work as well… but we’re told to never try to love more than one person at a time and we pretty much believe this to be true; it’s said that if you try to do this, bad things will happen and it becomes a self-fulling prophesy or, if you think you’re gonna fuck it up, you’re gonna fuck it up even if you’re not consciously trying to fuck it up.

Now imagine yourself trying to think all of this out and trying to explain it to your partner and if it’s giving you a headache, you now understand why it’s even harder than it sounds. Some folks frown at those who embrace alternative relationships and they can’t appreciate what it takes for two people to jointly come to the conclusion and the decision to forego tradition and take a slightly different path. All those folks see are a bunch of soulless, immoral heathens and they don’t see a couple who, instead of letting tradition dictate their happiness, took matters into their own hands to create the best possible environment for themselves.

I’ve often wondered how many people get divorced or otherwise break up then it hits them that it didn’t have to happen like that and more so when all they had to do was ask a question and then put some answers on the table for consideration? Why don’t more people do this? Because, usually, they “know” the answer is going to be, “You gotta be out of your fucking mind!”

But if you don’t ask, you won’t really know and many of us are afraid to ask out of fear of reprisal and, yeah, that’s a real thing. Still, lots of couples (in particular) are asking; they’re putting it out there for consideration and finding ways to make it work and if you wanna see a real live example, go check out DDJennifer’s blog at https://ddjennifer.wordpress.com/ (and to give Jennifer a shout-out).

The Temptation sang, “You make your own heaven and hell right here on earth…” and what would you prefer to do? Live in a heaven the two of you have created for yourselves, or continue to live in a hell that tradition has created for you?

That’s up to you to decide and, no, you don’t have to but if you’re unhappy with the way shit is going in your relationship and breaking up just ain’t gonna work for you, hmm, maybe it’s time to, at the least, talk about some shit, eh?

 
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Posted by on 6 June 2019 in Life, Living and Loving

 

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Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: Pick One

One of the shifts in the dynamic I’ve seen over the years is the departure – or, maybe “migration” is a better word – from NSA encounters to more relationship-themed arrangements, like Friends With Benefits (FWB). I was sitting here picking through my brain to find any instances that I was aware of where, back in the day, anything similar to FWB had occurred and I saw that there was but since the term FWB hadn’t been coined yet, there wasn’t a word or phrase for the situation where two guys hooked up with each other and decided to keep it going like that.

Friendship was pretty much a given in this situation in that if they weren’t friends before the fact, uh, they became friends after the fact. Because of the great homosexual angst at the time – and excluding the situation where two guys were really gay – you’d not see two bi guys saying they were in a relationship or referring to each other as each other’s “boyfriend” but, simply, they were just really good friends and, as far as appearances went, today, we’d say they’re having a bromance.

Because such close relationships were, even then, misconstrued as being homosexual in nature, guys were more inclined to get together in a more NSA kind of way, with the thought being that a more casual approach would not draw any unwanted attention to their activities or no one would roll up on them and start asking questions why “Jake” and “Kevin” are spending so much time with each other and more so when, say, “Kevin” is a new addition to “Jake’s” circle of friends and acquaintances.

Still, in this loose version of today’s FWB relationship mode, there were no expectations of exclusivity so if either Jake or Kevin had an opportunity to engage with someone else who caught their fancy, eh, it was no big deal and more so since pitching a bitch about it could also attract some unwanted attention – “Hey, what are you two arguing about?”

Besides, they could always count on their close friendship for, um, things to happen because it’s always better to deal with the devil you know than the one you don’t know – and it’s not like they were really and truly boyfriends or otherwise solidly committed to each other beyond just being good friends with something in common.

Skip ahead to the here and now and the time-honored NSA hookup is now the much-dreaded and not-so-preferred way for two guys to engage with each other. Most certainly, a lot of guys still want to do things in the NSA way or, as the NSA detractors say, “Just hit it and quit…” and, often, without any real “guarantee” of getting together again at some future time or, as I overheard two guys talking about this, the one guy said, “The only time he even acknowledges that I’m alive is when he wants to fuck – and that’s bullshit!”

So a lot of guys are on the hunt for something that’s more… binding, more of a committed endeavor and while a lot of guys invoke the safety factor in picking one guy and sticking with him exclusively, I’ve often gotten the impression that there’s more to it than just being safe and as indicated by the many guys I’ve seen writing on forums who say that, ideally, they want another guy who’s gonna be into them and more than just “merely” being friends… but tend to stop short of saying that what they really want is a boyfriend and in every sense that word implies or they don’t want a “boy friend” – that space between the word has power and weight.

I’m not saying that this isn’t a good thing. If you can pick that one guy you can truly resonate with and along many lines (and not just sex), well, that works but I’ve also seen that the closer you are with someone, the greater the chance that other, more deeper feelings, can emerge which, again, isn’t really a bad thing but it also reminds me of a saying that’s like a yellow flag: Familiarity breeds contempt or the more you get to know someone, the greater the chances that you’re gonna find out a lot of stuff about them that you don’t particularly like and those things, more often than not, tend to number more than the things you do like about them.

Just another of those occupational hazards when you get involved with someone. What makes this interesting from my perspective is the number of guys who want to do the FWB thing with the less-preferred NSA mindset – all of the perks, none of the responsibilities or obligatory stuff… and they are often quite miffed when the guy they can easily and happily have sex with starts to “catch some feelings” and, in their point of view, are starting to ruin a good thing. These guys are quite happy to get together whenever possible, get the dicks out and hardened, and make them soft until that moment when deeper feelings and thoughts of exclusivity appear – then they’re heading for the hills and as fast as they can managed.

“Beam me up, Scotty!”

One of the things I talk to guys about in this is perception: There’s what you think, feel, want, whatever and then there’s what the other guy has on his mind about things and a lot of guys are of a mind that what they want – their wishes and/or plans in this – trumps what the other guy is thinking and if you’re thinking that this is a recipe for disaster, you’d be right because it is… then again, it’s also something that should be very familiar to anyone who’s been in a relationship so this, all by itself, is nothing unusual or even new since two people in a relationship – and even one that’s working quite well – never agree on everything and still have their own ideas and thoughts about how the relationship should be going but, usually, one person defers to the other’s vision of how the relationship is going to work or, if they’re really smart, find a way to incorporate both points of view or it’s not what one person wants but what both of them can do with their combined points of view.

Guys today are more relationship-minded and with emphasis on exclusivity and when they don’t get it, to say they’re not happy is an understatement and they can’t understand why their offer (or sometimes demand) of exclusivity is rejected… and that’s because exclusivity was never part of the M2M dynamic even though guys early on (or back in the day, if you prefer) wouldn’t object to going back to the same guy but could still remain “free” to pursue other interests and, yeah, even keep their standing with a wife or girlfriend (and other women if a guy was single) intact, open, and viable.

In some respects, a lot of guys are trying to put a square peg in a round hole (get your minds out of the gutter here) and unless you force it to fit, it’s not gonna fit. It is not to say that there aren’t a lot of men who look for exclusivity in this and get it because there are… but they are in a minority in the big picture view. Guys are willing to get with other guys on a regular basis because it’s safer and convenient but exclusivity is just asking too much of them and a lot of guys do think that being exclusive with one guy is just too gay for their sensibilities.

I see this and I’m not totally sure what it really means. It appears to be a… push of some kind to make bisexuality – in men and women – more of a “normal” thing like heterosexuality has always mandated – that one man/one woman thing that’s been with us since like forever. We see it in homosexuality as well which, at times, gives me the giggles because, sitting here on the sidelines and watching, staunch believers in homosexuality don’t appear to see that they’re behaving just like heterosexuals and the only real difference is who they’re partnered with.

Could bisexuality be headed in a similar direction? Possibly. Maybe. I really don’t know at this point. Bisexuality, just like homosexuality, was seen as a departure from the norm – heterosexuality… but we’ve seen homosexuality become “merged” with heterosexual norms and it appears that bisexuality is headed in that direction as well which, thinking big picture, might not be a bad thing and more so when it’s being reported that homosexuals are, similar to many heterosexuals, moving a bit more toward alternative relationships, like being open and/or polyamory. Modern bisexuality, being the “new” kid on the block, is late to the party and appears to be playing catch-up.

Except, for those individuals who’d prefer to stick with the old NSA model that once defined male bisexuality specifically, eh, this might not be an optimal thing to happen and it’s been interesting to see how these two very different points of view are starting to clash with each other and, if nothing else, it’s the thing that makes a lot of guys complain about the fact that they can’t find another guy to express their bisexuality with, not because there aren’t “enough bi guys to go around” but because there aren’t that many guys who’d be all that interested in bisexual exclusivity and as indicated by the many men who say that they want the dick… but don’t want to be in any kind of a relationship in order to get it where, on the other side of the coin, there are a lot of guys who are saying that you ain’t gonna ever get a piece of them without a level of commitment being in place.

I see guys “defaulting” to the norms that has defined heterosexuality – the only legitimate sex is relationship sex and relationship sex is the only form of sexual engagement that has any real meaning so sex for the sake of itself only is to be avoided at all costs. It makes me blink a lot to see guys saying that exclusivity is a must for them because they don’t want to be made to feel like a slut or to be treated as merely a sexual object; on one of the forums – and I don’t remember which one – one guy actually said that engaging in casual sex with other men makes him feel like a cheap whore… and a lot of the guys who responded to this actually agreed with him on this one.

It all makes the current M2M environment… interesting and, if you’ve been reading all of this, this should sound very familiar to everyone and that’s the part that really gets my attention a lot because it’s something we already know about and practice as a matter of course – and have been for the longest time. The “game,” in and of itself, isn’t changing – but the players are and even to the point where those alternative forms of relationships are being explored where bisexuality is concerned, too.

Stay tuned…

 
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Posted by on 25 May 2019 in Today's Bisexual Thoughts

 

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Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: “You’re What?”

In my mind, there’s no worse thing in the world than to be bisexual and married; it is the ultimate in cluster fucks and a situation that’s just totally fucked up and in a great many ways and it’s in moments like this when one finds out the hard way that monogamy sucks… and not in a good way. They learn that the vows they took, while meaning well, are more self-defeating than they are the wonderful benefit we’ve all been told they are.

I’m not as much bashing monogamy as I am pointing out some shit you may or may not be aware of. Monogamy is supposed to ensure a lot of things while prohibiting a lot of other things and the seriously fucked up thing is that we all have our own ideas of what being monogamous is supposed to mean, which also exposes the one major flaw in the concept of keeping only unto yourself – it’s inflexible, oppressive, restrictive and, for many, just a totally fucked up way to exist with another person and one who has their own idea of what this is supposed to be like.

And you don’t have to be bisexual to see the flaws; just think of any time you wanted to do something for yourself and your partner tells you that they don’t think it’ll be a good idea if you did and while warning you of some consequences if you ignore their “advice” and do it anyway.

When it comes to sexuality, it’s all about belief, i.e., most people don’t believe that others should be anything but straight although, intelligently, they know not everyone is. It speaks to the question, “Why do people cheat?” and the answer is that people find reason to cheat if and when they have needs that the relationship isn’t and/or cannot take care of. Well, that and some people just don’t really have it in them to be monogamous.

Here’s a question: “If I have a need to suck a dick (or eat a pussy) and I know that if I do this, I will be the person I want and need to be – and be a happier person for you to deal with, why can’t I be allowed to do this?”

The answer? “I don’t believe in that shit!” is the usual one as well as immediately pointing to that “keep only unto yourself” part of the vows… while ignoring the “for better or for worse” part and the implied part that says, basically, I vow to stick with you no matter what it is going on and it’s my duty and obligation to help you with whatever you need help with.

Uh-huh, sure, like that really happens – and married bisexuals find out pretty damned quick that not only is this open to a rather rigid form of interpretation, this ain’t the case at all. One of the common occurrences we see in this is classic: If we’re supposed to have sex with each other and you don’t want to, what am I supposed to do?”

The answer: Nothing, except spending a lot of time pleasuring yourself and ya might not be able to do that depending on what your partner believes in. One thing along these lines I saw recently – and as told by someone else – was a case of a wife refusing to have sex with her husband… and was going off the deep end when he resorted to masturbation; he said that she said that he had no reason to masturbate because she’s supposed to be his sexual focus… which is right and proper… but she’s still not of a mind to have sex with him.

So what is he supposed to do? Nothing but suffer with an inability to have sex.

My other favorite: “If I need to suck dick/eat pussy and you’re not physically equipped to provide this level of succor for me, what am I supposed to do about my need to do this?”

The answer: Nothing… and you’d better not do anything about it or else.

Any wonder why the United States continues to lead the world in divorces? It seems that being married is all about what cannot be done than it is what two people can do to make their marriage as good as it can be and, wow, it also appears that making it as good as it can be means denying each other whatever is needed to ensure things from good sexual health as well as continued good emotional health.

A partner will feel justified in denying their bisexual partner a way to take care of that need… even if it leads to having one really fucked up partner at your side and you gotta ask yourself if this really and truly makes any sense to invoke a condition where someone will go from loving you to despising you… and all because you believe in something that is inherently flawed right along with being anything other than heterosexual is about as wrong as anything can get.

Another of my favorite, yet rhetorical, questions: Why is it when a bisexual gets outed or comes out to their partner, the first thing their partner asks is, “What about my feelings?” Well, after they ask, “You’re what?! You wanna do what?!”

That’s about the time when “for better or worse” goes right down the drain, huh, as well setting the stage for a lot of misery to hitch a ride. It strangely stops being about you and all about them and how offended they are along with a lecture in that which they don’t believe… and over something that, with some exceptions, doesn’t have shit to do with them.

So much for accepting me as I am, huh?

Married bisexuals are forever asking, “What can I do about this?” The answer is complicated and that’s an understatement and one of epic proportions: Ask for permission to have this need – and a need your partner cannot take care of – taken care of outside of the marriage… and good luck getting it. Another answer: When permission is denied, go get what you need anyway – and hope you don’t get busted. The most offered advice? Divorce them and go on about your business and this is deemed to be the only acceptable answer… except.

It might not be in anyone’s best interest to dissolve the marriage and, indeed, were bisexuality not an issue, the marriage is working magnificently. You don’t want it all to end but, damn it, if this doesn’t get addressed in an agreeable way, it will end and to the detriment of everyone involved so, um, where’s the logic or sense in letting a good thing get all fucked up and destroyed… and over what someone doesn’t believe in while holding true to a tenet that, oops, doesn’t allow for these things to happen at all?

Some experts are saying that humans weren’t meant to be monogamous – it’s an unnatural state of existence for us and, uh, given our divorce rate, there seems to be something truthful in the experts’ findings and more so that before the advent of monogamy, er, ah, humans were happily interacting with each other without it.

Ultimately, what married bisexuals learn is that the person who loves them doesn’t love them as much as they say they do and even if they imply that they’d do anything for your happiness, well, no, they won’t. You promised to be faithful… but you also promised to stick with them no matter what happens… and it’s implied that this is true even when what happens conflicts with that which you believe.

Which is also why a lot of couples are embracing alternative relationships so that individual needs can be taken care of while keeping the marriage intact and operating optimally. We hold true that it cannot and should not be done… and that, my friends, is a lie and no matter what you believe because if it were true, there would be no need to propose and enact an alternative relationship at all.

I know that there are many people who’d read this and are telling themselves that if such a thing happened in their relationship, they’d divorce the perverted motherfucker/bitch quick, fast and in a hurry; how dare they not understand that I’m all they’re ever supposed to want and need!

And again, sex and sexuality aren’t the only examples – they’re just two of the more glaring ones, like the woman who wanted to go back to school, get her degree, and enter the workforce… and her husband forbade her to do this thing that she argued would make her a better person, wife, and contributor to the family.

She “disobeyed” him, enrolled in a school and, sadly, before getting her degree, found herself divorced… and that didn’t have to happen, did it? Yet, such things happen every day and over both misinterpretation of what being married means as well as the flaws in monogamy that ultimately gets exposed and the really fucked up part?

People see the flaws, see the problems these flaws can cause – are causing -and instead of working together to make the flaws less of a problem and working toward making their marriage the best it can be for them, they’d rather divorce and no matter the cost to anyone involved. Cheating, well, it is what it is and why it is because we accept that it’s better to beg forgiveness than to ask permission, not that anyone is really ever forgiven, mind you. Still begs the question that if you can’t or won’t do it, who’s supposed to… and “nothing” or “no one” are unacceptable answers.

And I gotta ask you: Does this really and truly make any goddamned sense?

Let’s see… do I “prove” to my wife that I love her and would do anything for her happiness and well-being by saying, “Okay, hon, well, if you want a girlfriend to play with, go for it! It makes sense that if this is what you need, I don’t have what you need so it makes sense to you to get with someone who does and, nope, it’s not gonna hurt my feelings one bit since, um, obviously, I’m not female…” or do I forbid and veto such a thing because I don’t (a) believe in that shit and (b) feel it necessary to invoke a single part of our vows while ignoring the “for better or worse” part and that implied thing that I have a duty and obligation to provide you with anything I can provide and to the best of my ability – and only to find myself going to sleep next to someone who’s now quite miserable and will, in turn, make my life just as miserable?

I don’t know about y’all but in that scenario, I’d sleep next to her better knowing that she’s been made happier to be able to take care of a need we both know I can’t do shit about. I might not be willing to go out and off her worst enemy (they execute you for doing that) but giving her permission? That I can do because what does remain true is “happy wife, happy life.”

Compared to what a divorce might cost, giving permission is cheap but if it’s my job, duty, obligation to make and keep her happy, how can I reasonably not do this thing for her or ask her to do this thing for me if the situation was reversed? Should be a no-brainer…

And it isn’t. Still – and as mentioned – a lot of couples are deciding that it is a no-brainer, that and it’s something that both can benefit from in some way or another but importantly, this ain’t gonna end their marriage any time soon although losing a partner is just one of those “occupational hazards” that I’d never say doesn’t exist. It reminds us that nothing is forever and everything comes to an end – now it’s just a matter of whether that end will be premature or not.

 
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Posted by on 21 March 2019 in Today's Bisexual Thoughts

 

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