Because of a post Naughty Nora wrote about polyamory, it got me thinking about and remembering how bisexuality got me tossed into the world of polyamory as well as trying to recall all of the stuff I’ve read where it’s been “implied” that bisexuals are “naturally suited” to embrace polyamory which I don’t necessarily disagree with but you don’t have to be bisexual to be polyamorous because this is a… feeling that begins with understanding that, well, you have a lot of love to give and that kinda ugly feeling one can get because they’re not getting all of the love they feel is needed and especially with people who are already in a relationship more than the many single people I’ve seen and heard of embracing polyamory, not just for the sexual aspects but along the lines of a saying I heard: “Many hands makes quick work.” Which is the polar opposite of, “Too many cooks spoil the broth.”
Here’s the link to her post:(https://ourmarriageanddomesticdiscipline.wordpress.com/2022/08/14/polyamory-a-snapshot/)
Polyamory in a relationship defies every rule of monogamy. Every last one of them and especially for those who are married and are now in violation of their vows and specifically those parts that says to keep only unto yourself and to let no one/no man put asunder and until death do you part. It is… quite odd that when a married couple gets to that “how do we spice things up” part of their marriage, some… sundering is often thought about and only mentioned by those who are brave – or foolish – enough to say that one way we can spice things up is to let other people into our relationship. For the longest time, that meant opening the relationship so that, individually or as a couple, needs that weren’t being taken care of could now be taken care of but those they would engage with were… disposable, to put it like this. Such a couple could, in fact, have a single “extra” lover and be in a separate but long-lasting relationship but not, um, part of the whole relationship that made this relationship possible.
Then, at some point – and a point I’m not sure about – a couple found that they could have an open marriage but what made it better for one and all were to jointly be involved with people who could be an active part of their relationship and in every way that meant. I am aware that the famous – or infamous – hippies of the 1960s and their communal living mindset that had the Moral Majority highly upset and I’ve felt that it was this kind of living that probably gave birth to polyamory, but I also think – and as I’ve seen some experts in the field of how humans relate to each other – that we were very polyamorous before monogamy came along and effectively shut it down.
Call it a rebirth of sorts if those experts are right about what they’ve been discovering. We say that it takes a village and there is so much truth to this just as it’s true that we’ve gotten away from “village life” but polyamory serves to create this village life and, well, when it’s done right – and there is no hard-set way to define what “right” means – well, it’s the shit and as I’ve written many times, it is the ultimate relationship because it will push you to your boundaries and past them and in ways that makes being monogamous stupidly easy… but is well worth the efforts involved.
Like Naughty Nora said in her piece: If someone had told me the day before I got married that a day would come that I would still be married but I would also have a couple of other “wives” and raising two more children than my wife and I would eventually have, I would have laughed in your face, asked you what kind of drugs you were on, and told you how fucking impossible that would be and then told you to get the fuck out of my face with this nonsense because I believed in what everyone else believed in where the sanctity of marriage was concerned.
And I was wrong to do that and as I would find out in short order and, yeah, due to bisexuality… and not my own. What made this… break from those former beliefs was something my mother told me the day I told her I was getting married: Your marriage is only going to be as good as the two of you are willing to make it. And… she was right and here’s the funny thing about her being right.
I remember the day when she finally decided to say something about the, ah, extra people living with us and what she thought was going on between us and I told her how all of this came to be (but leaving out certain things) and she gave me this… look that I knew was her way of letting me know that she thought I’d not only lost my mind but I had gone against everything she believed in and what I was taught and I was a few moments from really getting preached to but I may have avoided that by reminding her of what she said to me that day and then telling her that this is the way we decided would work toward making our marriage as good as it can be.
She blinked and said, “I hope you know what you’re doing.”
And I said, “So do I.” Truth be told, I resisted opening up our marriage and I resisted the creation of our poly and extended family, too. And… resistance was futile because in both situations, I saw the sense in it and as it all related to our relationship and marriage. For the being open part, it took us, oh, maybe a month of some serious talking and planning to get it up and running but for the poly part? That took a couple of years before I figured out how this arrangement would work for one and all – and that it was 100% about all of us and including our children who thought we were fucking crazy and at one point, let us know how they felt about it but with the understanding that your objections, if any, are noted – but this is the way it’s gonna be until it’s not the way it’s gonna be. It wasn’t that we didn’t try to make this arrangement as beneficial to them as it was for us because we did and went out of our way to ensure this so, no, it was just about the three of us… because it couldn’t be.
But, yeah, my wife’s bisexuality is what got us into this “mess” along with wanting to be loved and/or fucked by a guy who… wasn’t me, not that she was unhappy with me in any way but having to be monogamous wasn’t taking care of all of her needs and she did what a lot of people do: She cheated. Made me so furious it wasn’t funny but when I called her out on it and demanded an explanation, by the time she got finished talking – and issuing the now-infamous ultimatum – I… understood. I had everything I believed and thought I knew about all of this shredded and flushed down the toilet and getting the answer to a question: What would you do for the sake of love?
And my answer was, “Anything I had to.” And it was an answer that also made sense given how many people are of a mind to say, “Baby, I love you, but…” and followed by some stuff they don’t believe in or aren’t going to do so on and so forth and, well, let it suffice to say that I learned some shit about the way things can be… now all I had to do was figure out how to make it work and keep it working.
Like I say about this, this was the most insane thing I’d ever done and have been a part of… and the most physically and emotionally satisfying thing I’ve ever done and been a part of. There’s a lot of… personal shit that has to get dealt with that a lot of people who have tried to live like this, well, they weren’t able to deal with their personal shit and it would, effectively and eventually, doom them to failure and in short order because one of the first things I learned about being both open and poly is that monogamy doesn’t work and whatever you think, feel, and/or believe about the way it’s supposed to be?
Forget it. The biggest thing I had to learn was a word that I’d not learn about for literally a couple of decades: Compersion. Simply being happy because your partner is happy. Without even knowing such a word existed, I, um, I learned that I could be happy with my bisexual wife even when she would be with someone else but I’ll be damned if it “made sense” but it would – and the moment I realized that being “monogamy-minded” wasn’t going to work and for me to keep feeling, well, territorial in these things, well, not only were we going to fail but keeping all of this inside of me was going to do some serious “internal” damages that, frankly, I wasn’t trying to have to deal with.
Things weren’t always about sex but sometimes just being able to… relate to someone. To feel whatever you felt about them and without the guilt that is inherently a part of being in a relationship and not keeping only unto yourselves – and that, by the way, wasn’t just about married folks; it’s a rule that non-married folks are made to abide by as well. When I say that I learned some shit about this, I really learned some shit and my biggest “problem” was assimilating all of what I was learning so that I could hold up my “end of the bargain” where making our marriage as good as it could be made.
This would be the second time in my life that I got… liberated from the status quo and just like the first time I got liberated from it, I had to learn it on the fly, so it became such a complicated and complex intellectual exercise for me and, really, for both of us to figure out how to do that which we literally vowed to never do. And, um, to be really honest? It was fun. We learned more about each other than we thought was even possible and, believe me – I learned some stuff about her that I wish I hadn’t and I’m sure she learned some stuff about me that she didn’t want to know about but, together, what we learned was that if we didn’t have this… full and honest disclosure, none of what we were trying to do was going to work.
Man… talk about shit getting messy. I would, one night and while lying between the two women I’d just spent the three hours having sex with, understand that things were messy because I didn’t know how to do any of this without it being messy since, from being open to being poly, there was no… “manual” for how to do this so it was on me to write the manual or, really, rewrite it. People who knew about us said I was crazy for not only having one wife but two of them and, yeah, really, three of them. And… they weren’t wrong about questioning my sanity because there was never a day or night that went by when I wasn’t questioning it myself.
But it worked. Oddly, a lot of the same bumps in the road one can experience being monogamously married (even without the license, too) and, well, I knew what that was like, so I had to adapt it for two other women and on top of the one I’d been in love with since the first day I met her and knew that she was The One. And having to accept that, well, that was right… and not so much and, yeah, I learned some shit. A lot of it. And having to actively be a part of something I barely had an understanding of how this was supposed to work now that we once again threw the rulebook out.
Whew. Yet there’s nothing else like it. Being in a poly relationship and/or having an extended poly family makes being in an open relationship look like the easiest thing in the world to do because what I had to think about each and every day was how in the hell was I going to deal with three different – but oddly similar – women and in every way “dealing with them” meant. From the day-to-day family stuff to the more personal sexual and other emotional things – and that didn’t include my own thoughts and feelings, but I had it easy because I knew what they were but, yeah, women.
Whew. As I learned it takes a… vision and one that all involved not only agree with but are also ready, willing, and able to do whatever it takes to share the vision and make it work for all of us and not just one of us. Hmm, I think that herding cats is easier. It wasn’t easy on any of us and we didn’t always agree on a lot of stuff but the main thrust of this was for all of us to work toward making this relationship the best we could make it since, um, this was very much about all of us.
And given what I know now? I’d do it all over again because… it just makes sense to given how, again, being in a poly relationship/family isn’t just about having mad crazy sex all of the time: It’s about becoming a village so that we can all prosper and, importantly, continue to grow as a person, too. Like I had told my mom that day, when it was just the two of us? We struggled with a lot of things but now that there’s three of us working on stuff?
We. Got. Better. Everything got better. And not quite overnight but close enough for government work because I was tasked with the responsibility to make this crazy-assed thing work and I was determined to not fail and, yeah, I did think I could handle both of them which, um, yeah, not gonna say much about that but what that challenge really meant and the one I accepted was that I wasn’t afraid to try and I wasn’t afraid to do whatever had to be done to make it work… I just wish that I knew then what I know now.
We went from giving a shit about what other people would think and say to not giving a shit and that happened fairly quickly because you quickly get tired of people telling you what you’re supposed to be doing and not supposed to be doing but, um, yeah, we’re doing it and… we’re happy and, by the way, how is being monogamous really working for you? I’ll bet it’s not working as well as you think it is, huh?
Don’t hate the players – hate the game. Man, the shit I’d get thrown at me and, yes, mostly by women who accused me of wanting and having a harem and that all of this was 100% about me – and refusing to believe that this wasn’t my idea to begin with, well, not until they went to the source – my wife – and learned some shit and some of them actually apologized to me for the horrible things they said to and about me and some, well, they felt they didn’t need to apologize and, really, I didn’t expect them to.
Men. You’d think that the guys would be 100% on my side but the truth was they weren’t. Yeah, some guys were… envious; some expressed that I was the luckiest motherfucker on the planet and, yeah, some of them were sure that I’d lost whatever mind I had that just being involved with one woman would have ensured I was going to lose. And some were of a mind that I was the wrongest motherfucker who ever lived to have turned my back on my honor and vows “just for some extra pussy” and, well, hmm, those guys found out that I not only have a temper, I have a very nasty one, not because they offended me with this sentiment but they offended the women I loved to imply that they were just pieces of ass for me.
And to those who objected? I would tell them – and in one form or another – “You’re just mad because I – we – can do something that you can’t, and you can’t because you believe in some shit that isn’t all that true and you’re too afraid to.” And I meant it. You have no idea the number of very dirty looks I’d get from people when the three of us would be out and about together – like going shopping – and we didn’t hide the fact that we were way more than just friends and, yeah, we kinda got a kick out of PDAing the shit out of peoples’ sensibilities to be openly being affection with each other and I do mean affectionate.
But the social shit was also something that had to be contended and dealt with and beginning with us not letting any angst thrown our way bother us. And the many times I’d find myself talking to one or both of them and letting them know that, well, haters were gonna hate but we should not and cannot let that fuck with what we were doing and trying to do for the benefit of all of us and including our children. Yeah, I’d be so tickled having two white children call me “Pops” and even more tickled when they’d introduce me to people – or I’d have to introduce myself and like getting them signed up for school – that, yep – I’m their daddy and seeing the look on their faces was beyond… precious.
I sometimes felt that the five of them got a kick out of having more than one mother, too, well, until they got their asses in trouble and in this, the thing I “knew” we had to avoid was that “you’re not my daddy/mommy” shit that usually went on in some relationships and the problems that shit can cause. They didn’t like this change in things, and it wasn’t like we didn’t understand it or felt like they weren’t supposed to have objections but, yeah, we handled it and to the best of our joint abilities and you can believe that those little motherfuckers had no qualms about trying to play one of us against the other… and just like they were expected to.
Whew. Seriously messy, right? Yes, it is but if you can do it and you have a plan – a vision – to make it work? The rewards are… priceless. And I’d be lying if I said that the sex wasn’t off all kinds of hooks because it sure the fuck was and, honestly, if you think being in bed with three horny women is da shit, allow me to disabuse you of that because the only thing that saved me from being totally and completely destroyed by them was that all three of them embraced bisexuality… and two of them weren’t before all of this came to be. So humbling that I can’t begin to tell you what that felt like but also humbling in the fact that they didn’t want anyone else other than me and as evidenced when I’d put in a “plea” for some help in this department… and it got rejected out of hand and with, “What, you can’t handle all of us?”
And they all knew that to really bring out “the best” in me, all that had to do was to challenge me like this even when, yeah, any of them could take me to the limit and, well, hmm. Just having sex with two of them on a daily basis almost put me in the hospital because I was exhausted and badly so – and that was just the one-on-one sex so you might be able to imagine what it was like being in bed with both of them and dealing with the problems I knew was going to happen and trying to figure out how to deal with them so that they didn’t destroy what we were all working hard to keep very much alive… because our lives depended on it now.
The most insane thing ever. And the best thing ever. You just gotta want and learn how to make your relationship the best it can be and be willing to do whatever is necessary to accomplish this very worthy goal. Naught Nora knows. DDJennifer knows. There are others here who knows like I do. It’s not for the weak or faint at heart and I’ve seen so many try to do this while holding onto the rules of monogamy and, yeah, that’s just not going to work and one of the things I’ve seen cause failure for single people is not having what’s called “the core relationship” that serves as an anchor point. Not that single folks can’t be polyamorous or create their own poly families but what I’ve observed is that lack of “me and you” that is the foundation on which things are built upon and, well, let’s just say that it’s my opinion that polyamory – as a way to live – works best when that core relationship exists and is deemed to be strong enough to carry all this extra “weight…” and one way or another, you’re gonna learn some shit about yourself, your partner, the other people who chose to be with you in this and, oh, yeah, that the way it’s supposed to be isn’t the way it can be if, bluntly, you have what it takes to make it work for you and those who would be with you in this.
I can’t tell you what to do to make it work for you, but I can tell you what not to do and maybe I’ll go over that some other time. Go read Naughty Nora’s post and especially the part where her poly “family” – and the joy she gets from it – doesn’t necessarily have anything to do with sex… and maybe all of this stuff I wrote will… make sense.