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Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: Bisexuality and Polyamory

I’ve probably written about this before but while perusing the Reader, I saw a blog asking about this and my first thought was that bisexuality is almost tailor-made for polyamory since, at the simplest of levels, one finds that their capacity to feel things for others gets greatly expanded and, yeah, even when some of those feelings are not much more than pure and unadulterated lust. It tends to cause confusion in some since being monogamous – and even in our feelings – is highly and strongly mandated and I’ve seen so many people falling all over themselves because they’ve found themselves being in love with someone… but having similar feelings for someone else… and then doing a Jedi mind trick on themselves in order to convince themselves that, for one, they’re not supposed to be feeling like this and, for another, convincing themselves that whatever they’re feeling for someone else – for the most part – isn’t what it really feels like and that there’s some great difference between loving someone and being in love with them.

A lot of people are guilty of this and, yeah, I used to be one of them until I got kicked in the nuts – figuratively, not literally. As I recall, I was well aware that to some degree, I had feelings for guys and gals – lust or otherwise – but really failed to connect the two things and, yep, knowing that I had feelings for someone but I also had feelings for someone else but, like many, suppressed them… but not so much. It took finding out that through no fault of my own, the love I had for someone wasn’t enough for them; they needed more and even from a different direction; it wasn’t that they didn’t love me because they did… but. The whole heart-rending situation forced me to see the reality of the situation, that it really wasn’t “impossible” to have feelings for one person while having feelings for someone else but it was just a matter of that being monogamous thing that was really the biggest problem.

Like, how are you gonna tell someone that if they have feelings for you, they cannot ever have feelings for someone else and they sure as hell aren’t supposed to do anything about those other feelings? Yet, that’s exactly what we’ve been told to do and with the admonishment that trying to love more than one person at a time would be the biggest mistake ever made and is guaranteed to blow up in your face and catastrophically so. Through my sexuality, I learned a few things and beginning with the reason why it can blow up is because while we can have such feelings, shit – we barely know how to love (or otherwise feel) for one person, let alone more than one and, of course, everyone has their own ideas about this but still predicated on the tenets of monogamy.

It’s not that bisexuals can’t be monogamous physically because they can… but emotionally? As I’ve said hundreds of times now, a woman I loved so very much told me that you can’t do a damned thing about the way you feel; you can only do something about how you may or may not act on those feelings. I learned that, yeah, sometimes you are compelled to act and even more so when we’ve all been taught that if you care for or love someone, then you gotta do some stuff about it… and I learned that at the very least, all you have to do is accept that this is how you feel but, yeah, not doing something about those feelings can be a bit of a bitch.

Now, you don’t have to be any kind of sexual to be able to understand this; it’s just that my wakeup call with this one had me “going back” and looking at myself and my bisexuality to really see what had been going on the whole time: Me having feelings for a lot of people and not just for one person whether it was lust, infatuation or even love. I think that had I not been bisexual and “finally” understanding how my own feelings were working, getting hit with this would have been much harder to accept… and off we went, freeing each other to act on our feelings instead of doing what everyone else does: Have those “extra” feelings and just flat out denying them or, yeah, stepping off to the side to do something about them.

I had time to think about this and to see the fallacy of being monogamous; growing up, I was pretty much told that I should (read that as had to) love my parents and siblings and other relatives but if I met a girl, I could only love that girl and no other at the same time. I realized that I’d literally been taught to be polyamorous, only to be told that, outside of the family, I couldn’t be. That realization was an even bigger kick in the nuts and saw that by invoking monogamous behavior, sure – I was being told what I couldn’t do but I was also being told that I couldn’t feel the way I felt… and, again, my bisexuality had already proven to me that I was more than capable – and often very willing – to feel whatever I felt with anyone even though doing something about it, I saw, wasn’t always possible. When the woman I loved told me this, it became an even bigger revelation and epiphany when I eventually saw that I had already learned that lesson – I just hadn’t connected it all together.

When people bitch about bisexuals and say that we’re greedy, they’re not just talking about our greater need and desire for sex and it begs a question: Is there really such a thing as loving and being loved too much? Is caring for more than one person really that bad of a thing and, yeah, do we not know that lusting after more than one person has always been seen as very bad? We see cheating as such a horrible thing to do and always asking why it happens and we always think that it’s about sex alone… when that’s not the whole truth since a lot of infidelity starts with feelings; you love whomever you’re with but then someone comes along and, the short version, you feel more “love” in that sense and while we tend to see it as being different, well, of course it is since everyone is different and how you react to them emotionally is going to be different… but it’s not always a matter of replacing feelings for one person with feelings for another: It’s the addition of those feelings, getting more from someone else than one is already feeling and getting. Of course, the “bad” part about this is doing something about those feelings and sex, it seems, becomes inevitable because other than for the sake of lust, nothing expresses the deeper feelings better than having sex with someone.

It’s not that difficult to see what’s really at fault here… and it’s not really us: It’s what we’ve been made to believe. Being in love and loving – in some way – someone else at the same time cannot be done; it should never be done and we still haven’t, as a whole, made the connection that this demand is unrealistic and we do fuck up a lot of shit – including ourselves – because of this very unrealistic expectation and forces us to control or suppress our natural ability to love more than one person at a time as well as our innate “compulsion” to do something about what we’re feeling.

Bisexuals get exposed to this and even when they’re of a mind that it’s “easier” to just have the sex and without any other feelings getting in the way but, again, you don’t have to be bisexual to see this at work; swingers, in particular, have no problems letting their lust for others loose… but developing feelings other than lust for those they’re having mad crazy good sex with? Verboten. Do not even go there and it had better not be discovered that you do have more feelings other than lust for someone because there will be hell to pay… which brings me back to the question of why and how we feel that we have the right to tell each other how we’re supposed to feel and placing such dire restrictions on them and ourselves? The fact of things and as I learned them is that you can feel whatever the hell you want to and for as many people as you can; doing something about those feelings? Yeah, that can get interesting… but if you could, hmm.

One of the things that solidified all of this in my mind was something my mother told me the day I told her I was getting married – and other than, “I hope you know what you’re doing!” She said, “Your marriage is only going to be as good as the two of you are willing to make it.” And then I learned what that really meant and the “bottom line” thinking and realization that it is better to ask permission than to keep begging forgiveness – and then not ever forgiving or being forgiven. While it’s all well and good to be free to sexually express yourself with whomever you can, it feels even better to be freed from monogamy so that you can feel whatever you’re feeling and without being guilty over the fact that you love this person… but you love that person… or persons. Doing stuff about it is complicated but not impossible…

And these days, a lot of people have figured it out and, again, sexuality isn’t the only method of figuring out but it does, in fact, help. The much dreaded word “threesome” comes up and freaks a lot of people out and that’s understandable… but what they don’t understand so much that, in this situation, sharing sex with someone you love and with others involved isn’t just about sex – it’s also an expanded expression of a great many feelings including the love you feel for the person you’re with and, yeah, it’s often conducted in a way that where sex can be shared… as long as there are no other feelings other than lust going on even though lust is a feeling, too – it’s just one that doesn’t require a relationship in order to be a valid emotional state – we just continue to believe that it does.

Bisexuals probably do understand this better than other types of sexual; it’s not wholly about doing shit about it but being able to feel what we’re feeling and being open and honest with ourselves about this very polyamorous aspect about ourselves. It is a wonderful feeling and part of things that makes being bisexual so eye-opening liberating and allows one to understand that not only can we be bisexual, but we can feel whatever we want to feel for more than one person at a time. There was a time in our history when humans were very polyamorous and relationships included many people joined together in a common cause – primarily survival and it lent itself well to the perpetuation of the species… until some folks decided that this wasn’t the best way to do things and invoked the Word of God… and monogamy.

But especially in bisexuals, this is a difficult state of mind to find one’s self in and to the point where bi guys, in particular, will tell you in a heartbeat that they don’t like men like they do women – and they’re talking romantically, not sexually and it’s like, duh, of course you don’t since women aren’t men and, oh, yeah, that’s right – being romantically interested in men is a very gay way to be. This becomes such a thing in the minds of many that they are unable to see how polyamorous they really are because, again, lust really is a legitimate emotional state – just one that really doesn’t have anything to do with being in love or, as I like to say, you do like them – or want to like them – enough to make sex possible and doable.

Being polyamorous isn’t just about sex but the inclusion of sex isn’t that bad of a thing if you can put your heads together and figure out how to “do it all” and without monogamy fucking everything up and invoking the learned behaviors of being possessive, jealous, envious, and many more feelings. It seems to be impossible… and I know for a fact that it isn’t and I’m not the only one who has learned this. Many of us are very much aware of our capacity and ability to have feelings for more than one person at a time and whether sex is involved or not but it’s being able to open admit and accept that you can, indeed, feel what you’re feeling even though many people see this as emotional infidelity because you just are not supposed to ever love anyone other than the person you’re with… and that has never really stopped anyone from having such feelings and when we do, we’re pretty quick to shut it down in ourselves because it’s wrong and there’s no believe that this should be going on inside of us to begin with… and denying, to a certain extent, that this is how we are really feeling.

There’s nothing you can do about the way you feel; you can only do something about how you might act on those feelings… and my question is, “What if you could? What if you could and without totally destroying everything in the process? What if you really could have your cake and eat it, too… and enjoy everyone else’s cake? Would that be something you might be interested in?”

There was a time when a great many people would say, “Oh, fuck no!” These days? People are changing their minds about that because they realize that no matter what the rules say, their relationship is only going to be as good as the two of them are willing to make it. How do you prevent infidelity? By removing the elements that can cause it to happen whether it’s emotional, physical, or both – and then understanding that it is unrealistic to expect and demand that one person is all you’re ever going to want and need for the entirety of your life. And it’s not that there aren’t a lot of people who don’t know this already because they do; they just don’t know what to do about it and they don’t know because it’s something we are forbidden to learn and even those who try to make being polyamorous work often fail because they’re trying to do so while applying many of monogamy’s rules…

Which is exactly why I’ve been saying that in order to be and embrace polyamory, you have to unlearn everything you know about love, sex, and relationships so that you can learn an entirely different way to go about these things and that calls for rewriting and/or abandoning the very rigid rules of monogamy and rules that, by design, prevent us from feeling the way we can feel. And we believe it to the point that when we find ourselves feeling something for anyone who isn’t the person we’re already with, we feel guilty as fuck about it and that, my friends, is a conditioned response and confuses the shit out of us because, on the one hand, feeling whatever for someone else at the same time we’re feeling something for someone else does, in fact, make us feel good… but we’ve all been mindfucked into believing it is morally improper.

You don’t have to be bisexual to see this at work… but it’s probably the “best” way to experience what it’s like to be polyamorous – and even without sex being involved. And as always, you don’t have to believe me and it wouldn’t surprise me if you didn’t… because you’re not supposed to believe that such a state of mind is even possible and if you were to ever feel this, you are demanded to reject it, deny it, suppress it and at the risk of your own mental wellbeing. And don’t we do this even though we know that it’s actually doing us more harm than good? Polyamory isn’t about doing first and foremost: It’s about feeling. You love this person and there’s no denying that… but you love this other person, too, and you do your best to deny that you do while knowing that you do love them or have, at the least, deeper and, yeah, even lusty feelings for them and, yup, ya just might find out that someone is feeling pretty polyamorous about you which is both a good thing… and a seriously fucked up thing; not because it really is all that fucked up but it’s what we believe and more so when we get hit with many horror stories about what happens to people who are found to love someone and they love someone else; it’s a relationship killer and it is wholly unacceptable for you to be in love with someone and have the immoral audacity to have deep feelings of love, affection, and even lust for someone else.

But what if it didn’t have to be such a disastrous and damaging thing? What if that which we believe really isn’t the truth of how we can be? What’s the best thing to do? It won’t be easy but the best thing to do is accept that this is what and how you feel and enjoy being able to feel this way. You don’t have to do anything other than that but, yeah, I know how it goes and now you’re battling yourself because you want to be able to express your feelings in some way but you can’t… or, really, you don’t know how to be able to do it without destroying everything you already have and that includes even letting it be known that you love the person you’re with… but you really do love someone else and you know it’s very, very real.

It’s the thing that fucks up a lot of bisexuals because they become… innately polyamorous but those damned rules insist that not only can you not do anything about it, you’re not supposed to be feeling this way to begin with. Even in this, one of the lessons I learned was just because you can do a thing doesn’t mean that you always have to… but not allowing yourself to feel whatever you’re feeling? Who has the right to have such control over your feelings and then why are we so willing to let someone else control our feelings and telling us who we can love or care for (or lust after) and who we can’t? The fact of the matter is that regardless of sexuality, a lot of people aren’t buying into this anymore and they are changing the rules because they understand that their relationship – and even their life – is only going to be as good as they want it to be and are willing to make it… even if that means openly loving and sharing more than one person in their lives.

 
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Posted by on 31 December 2020 in Today's Bisexual Thoughts

 

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Life, Living and Loving: That TMI Tuesdays Thing

Wow… writing that piece for TMI Tuesdays brought back a rush of memories, spanning a great many years and a kinda huge mashup of the good and the bad experienced when taking a step to the side and not being totally monogamous.

I remember the beginning of things, the great shock and confusion of the moment, including the terrible painful feelings as well as feeling inadequate and unworthy to learn that I, alone, wasn’t enough… even though, after the initial review, it wasn’t really me that caused this to come to the surface but it still didn’t feel good to be told that she wanted someone – anyone – who wasn’t me and then trying to make sense of the explanation and getting to understand just how complex and confusing such a declaration really meant.

Like most husbands, I believed in the sanctity of marriage; I understood what it meant to be bound by the vows I’d taken and all that they said and was otherwise implied… only to find out and eventually come to the conclusion that it’s almost impossible to be all someone is ever going to need; not only that but over any given period of time, people change but being monogamous is so… static and creates an environment where a lot of things aren’t really allowed to change.

I also realized that there are… consequences to loving someone and vowing, saying, or even implying that you’d do anything in your power to make and keep your partner happy being with you. In this, it was that “shit or get off the pot” moment and dealing with a damned if you do and damned if you don’t moment and even having to decide which of the two evils were the one that could be lived with along with the even harder and painful thought processes to end a relationship that was, up to that moment, engaging and good.

Was this going to be the biggest mistake ever? A right and proper thing to do and all for the sake of love? The hardest part about this is not knowing what’s going to happen if you don’t… and now being fully aware of what’s gonna happen if you do. You think that you know the person you love with all your heart and soul… until you find out that you kinda/sorta don’t really know them but, then again, what this is really about is not being all that aware of what changes are going on inside of them and coming to terms over why you weren’t aware of them before you became aware of them. It’s not so much of a thing of not paying your partner enough attention but more of a thing of not being all that privy to everything they may be thinking about and those things that, for reasons of their own – and because of the nature of those thoughts – yeah, um, you might not want to mention them out of fear of reprisal:

Even when you know someone fairly well, you never really know how they’re going to react to something; you can be somewhat certain of that but, eh, not really but if you really want and need to know one way or the other, you just gird your loins and say the things that you know have to be said. There is a certain appreciation of this level of honesty and despite the amount and depth of emotional pain and agony that can be experienced to find out that your partner needs something you can’t provide them or they need a lot more of what you’re already giving them and even they need something that’s different in a great many ways.

It’s even a bigger bitch to get kicked in the balls and finding out that what you so very much believed in was flawed and incredibly so; it’s a shock to the system when you look at all of this and realize that those vows and other such affirmations we make when we are in a relationship do not ever factor in the fact that people change and that odd situation where everything is going well… but not really. And you don’t really get to understand that, sometimes, a change in things – and this kind of change in particular – is one that is seen to be necessary even if for one’s own sense of self-preservation and invoking Rule Number One: Look after your own ass first. In these things, the vows and affirmations we make, I think, were designed to eliminate this very important rule and implies that you are expected, required and demanded to sacrifice all that you are for something you now know doesn’t really work the way they say it’s supposed to work and without exception.

If nothing else, getting smacked in the face with this can have you asking yourself just how much you really love, want, and need someone; it makes you face yourself – did you really, honestly, and truly mean all of the things you said about loving them… and if you reject the “ultimatum” of putting an end to being monogamous, it’s not so much about what it says about them but it does get you thinking about what your rejection says about you; if I learned nothing else from this, I not only learned that what we believe about how relationships are supposed to be isn’t the only thing that’s flawed and erroneous: It’s also your belief in such a flawed system, too.

What would you do for the sake of love? I know what I did and I gotta tell you that even as I made the very difficult decision to break the rules, I had a lot of misgivings and even fears over it but, then again, from where I was sitting, I didn’t really have much of a choice in the matter and the question I had to answer for myself was which thing was better – to know what she was doing and who she might be doing it with… or not know what was going on but also knowing that this was gonna happen with or with my “blessings?”

I had a lot of people tell me that I made the wrong decision; I should have left her and some… assholes said I should have given her a proper ass-kicking over this; I’m not that guy and leaving her – and that being the “logical” thing to do – well, my heart and my love for her wasn’t hearing any of that and more so when you’ve invested your whole life in someone, throwing it all away is a pretty dumb thing to do because it’s time in your life that you can never get back and while many people would suffer through having to start all over again with someone else, shit: When you get hit with this life-changing revelation, you become very aware that if it happened once, it could happen again and for a lot of the same reasons.

As a result, I totally lost faith in the tenets of monogamy. Oh, it has its good parts and for many, it works well since many are quite content to abide by the rules and no matter what’s going on with things. In a way, it’s a matter of honor, isn’t it? You vowed or promised to keep only unto yourself and let no one put asunder… but you also vowed or promised to be in this together through better or worse… and it doesn’t get any worse than knowing that even at your very best, you’re not all they will ever want and need and while such things can be suppressed, there might come a time, a tipping point, where their survival – and in their view of things – is in jeopardy and something has to be done… and by any means necessary.

And I was made to understand that this doesn’t apply to just those who are married; we deal with being in a relationship but not being married under the same tenets and guidelines and the only real difference is lawyers don’t get involved when things go south or otherwise break down. As we discussed how this very drastic change in our lives was going to take shape, I spent a lot of time kicking my own ass over believing something that, again after really and seriously looking at it, was about as flawed as anything can be; who in their right mind vows and/or promises to never want anything or, in the case, anyone else; who in their right mind actually sets themselves up to either fail or to find themselves stuck in place and without any other way to get unstuck outside of taking that relationship and throwing it all away.

But then seeing and beginning to understand that, hah – you can have your cake and eat it, too; you don’t have to throw it all away and that this? This not being monogamous thing? That’s well within the realms of something that’s humanly possible to do and more so when you really do love someone as much as you think and you’ve said that you do… and now it’s time to shit or get off the pot and to prove that those things you said about loving them weren’t empty and meaningless and that, you are willing to stick with them for better or worse. Holy shit, right?

So we went there and I’m not gonna lie and say that everything went swimmingly well… because it didn’t; even in this, I came to understand that not only do we really don’t know how to be in a relationship to begin with, this not being monogamous thing is an even bigger unknown. We know the theory of being in a relationship and we develop our own idea about how this is supposed to go – but based on something that, again, has more holes in it than a screen and, at the worst, prevents people from being who they really need to be as well as suppressing a lot of shit that is more damaging that breaking the rules seems to be.

Even after the long years after making that fateful decision, I still sometimes ask myself if by agreeing to not being monogamous, did I really make a mistake… and I found that no, I really didn’t even though things were rocky in the beginning and as in any relationship, shit doesn’t work the way it’s supposed to… but you improvise, overcome, and adapt and even more so when you really don’t want to lose what you already have; you just gotta take the good with the bad and keep making the best of things and to the best of your ability to do so.

The things that took place were exciting and all that but when I look back at it all, the biggest thing I took away from this departure from the norm is what I learned about myself. It was pretty fucked up to find out that I wasn’t as grown-up, worldly, or even as smart as I thought myself to be. I thought, once upon a time, that I could handle anything… right up to the moment I found out that I couldn’t handle this. The one thing I found that I could pat myself on the back about was being willing to step into very unknown territory and deal with it and, oddly, it became a matter of personal honor; I could have thrown in the towel but since I didn’t, time again to shit or get off the pot… and for better or worse.

Because of what being in love can really mean and that this? This not being monogamous thing? Yeah… love says you can do that if you’re not afraid to because, sure enough, love conquers all. The challenge of a lifetime and one wrought with more pitfalls, sink holes, and other hazards; it’s everyone’s worst nightmare and greatest fears come true and made real… now it’s a question of whether you’re really grown up enough to face the fears and nightmares… and for the sake of love itself.

Those of you who’ve been following and reading, you might remember the things I’ve said about this situation and they always bear repeating: You have to unlearn everything you thought you knew about love, sex, and relationships in order to learn a very different way to do these things. You have to be willing and able to break a whole lot of rules and see the reason for breaking them because the love you have for each other pretty much demands that those rules be tossed out and newer ones be put into place.

I am really and seriously not joking when I say it was the most insane thing I ever agreed to and have been a part of… and the thrill of a lifetime all at the same time. We grew together in this; we learned together; we reveled in it together and we suffered through the missteps and failures together; we not only learned much about ourselves as individuals, we learned about ourselves as a couple and even then, there was much joy and pain in the learning. One of the big things I learned was just because you can do a thing, you don’t always have to do it… but if you can, well, why not? It wasn’t so much what we were doing that held a lot of importance to me but the fact that we were sharing it all with each other was the thing that made such an insane decision for either of us, oddly and strangely, probably the best thing we could have ever done.

There are always regrets and nothing is forever… but you learn to be and live in the moments and I’m not sure if even now if I can really explain this state of mind. I know all that went wrong, the mistakes both of us made along the way; I realize that we were learning how to do this as we went along – since there was no Internet at the time, there wasn’t the current wealth of information that could be referred to and it wasn’t like we knew of anyone who was also doing this very crazy thing before the fact. Things could have gone better… but they could have been much, much worse.

And the craziest thing? I’d do it again. There really is no such thing as loving and being loved too much and that feeling alone is amazing beyond mere words and, yeah, the sex? It’s amazing how good it can be once you free your mind from the way it’s supposed to be. Even in this, it’s fascinating to see how we grew in this, from going about it individually to doing it together, to having and sharing lovers and that poly way. If nothing else, you won’t ever look at monogamy the same way ever again and, really, the lesson to be learned is that no matter what kind of relationship you’re in, you do have a duty – a responsibility – to make the relationship as good as it can be; you have that same duty and responsibility for your partner’s wants and needs and if there’s one that they have, it’s not impossible to provide it and, believe it or not, it can make you feel rather wonderful knowing that you are able to provide for those needs.

And because love says that you should even though the rules say that you can’t and shouldn’t. For most people and when you ask them what they’re willing to do for the sake of love, the answer is, “Not a whole lot.” When we tell the person we love, “I love you,” there’s an unspoken “but” that can be present and, of course, that usually represents what you’re not going to do. There are, of course, some things that shouldn’t ever be done like, I love you… but I’m not gonna go kill someone just because it would make you happy and other such stuff along those lines. But giving you that “more” that you know you need and it will require some… outside help? We can do that; all we have to do it put our heads together and decide the best way to get it done for each other…

And for the sake of the love we have for each other and for love, itself. Most people will say that they couldn’t do it; that they wouldn’t do it even if it could literally save a life; they don’t believe in such shit and the promises, vows, and affirmations are inviolate and resolute. They’d rather throw away an otherwise good relationship. Some might even give the sense of that they care about their own ass more than they do the person they’re with. It reminds me of that song by Meatloaf – I’d do anything for love… but I won’t do that and, in this, the “that” is putting yourselves in that seemingly impossible situation of having your cake and eating it, too, and the cake eating is being enjoyed and even shared.

If it sounds like a lot of work, believe me – it is and this is a rabbit hole that is even deeper than you can imagine it to be and while doing it ain’t easy the hardest part is all of the stuff that I think has to happen before any doing gets close to happening… and I’m pretty sure that you’re gonna learn some stuff that you’re gonna wish you hadn’t learned about your partner and yourself, too. That part alone is a good enough reason for not even going there and for many, love isn’t a good enough reason and, well, shit – I really don’t know what to say about that mindset.

Writing the TMI Tuesday piece brought back so many memories, some beyond pleasant and those that just weren’t pretty at all. It’s something that is hard to wrap your head around even in theory because it calls for one to be able to set aside that which they believe and going to places that our morality deems to be forbidden territory. You think you know what it means and is like to love someone? You really have no idea of what that really means until what you think you know or otherwise believe gets challenged and put to the test. Most people would run away from this… and, let’s say, only the most bold and daring will run toward it and for no other reason that they believe more in the power of love than they do the tenets of monogamy.

I don’t believe in it any more and haven’t for a very long time. It has value and there’s no denying that and for many, it works… and for many more, nope – not really. A lot of people these days are seriously looking at being ethically non-monogamous or, my favorite phrase, negotiated infidelity and many are finding out how to make it work for them. They are, today, finding out what I did so many decades ago:

I would do anything for love… including that.

 
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Posted by on 18 December 2020 in Life, Living and Loving

 

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Life, Living and Loving: Poly Sexuality (and a TBT)

When it comes to being poly and putting a group together, I’ve often wondered if the issue of sexuality really gets thought about or if the participants ever give any thought to what could happen in such a close and sexually active group. Does anyone really discuss this other than to, perhaps, insist on what’s not supposed to happen?

And do they really think that it won’t?

DDJennifer, in her comments to yesterday’s scribble, wondered why guys are so funny about having some fun with another guy in the group. It is, strangely, “generally accepted” that any women in the group will, at some point or eventually, get into having sexy fun with each other but, yeah – guys are pretty weird about themselves becoming the object of one of the other guys’ lust.

The reason is… some guys are just seriously funny about it and some are so funny about it that incidental or accidental contact with another guy is way out of line and can never happen. A lot of guys remain of a mind that, oh, leaning over and having a taste of “Paul’s” cock – and while Paul’s busy eating out a female poly partner – is too gay, unmanly or, believe it or not, sometimes afraid that if they do, they’re gonna like it. Even if some guys are of a mind to check out the other guy’s dick, there’s always that fear that the other guy is gonna object and the shit is going to hit the fan…

Which makes me wonder if any of this is ever and really discussed during the formation of a poly group. It’s one thing to put it on the agenda and as a “what if” kind of item; theoretically, it’s possible but often set aside because it’s deemed to be “impossible” and outside the realm of possibility or, yeah, sometimes, the guys better not even get the thought into their head at all. That a whole lot of guys in this setting go out of their way to avoid any contact with any other guys in the group isn’t all that unusual – remember, some guys are just very funny about that. I do think, however, that what gets overlooked is not only the power that sex has but it’s ability to bond.

Being in any group sex situation can be… interesting. Not so much in whatever’s happening but in what the participants are going out of their way to make sure doesn’t happen. The… fear of any same-sex interaction is very real and I’d suppose that, in a one-off kind of way, avoidance is easy because it’s not like whoever you’re having group sex with lives with you or is a regular participant when it’s time to do the nasty. Let’s see… how many times have I been in a group setting and heard a guy – or guys – emphatically state that there will be no funny stuff between us guys… and then there’s a guy playing with my dick?

And then the guy doing it is telling me he doesn’t know why he did that. Well, I know why… but, then again, I don’t underestimate the power of sex and its ability to unlock some shit inside of us that, perhaps, we’d rather not have unlocked or exposed. I’ve been in settings where the ladies have tossed the “no funny stuff” card onto the table and when things get hot and heavy, well, check them out – so much for no funny stuff, huh? People just tend to discount those “heat of the moment” moments; they can’t happen and aren’t allowed to happen and they’d better not happen if you know what’s good for you.

And in poly settings, well, it’s probably one of those things that probably should be discussed with more seriousness than is problem done. You’re a poly group and connected all across the board – and that includes sexually. One on one sex, eh, that’s easy but when there are times when “the gang gets together” there is always the possibility and even potential for the funny stuff you’d rather not happen to be thought of… or actually happening and, I dunno, maybe it’s just me, but I’d think that having a meaningful discussion and accepting that things can and do happen in the heat of the moment – or, yeah – the bond that’s being shared pretty much demands that no one should be excluded. So if “Gene” and our boy, “Paul” are two guys in a poly group and something were to happen between them – incidental contact or a dick gets fondled or even sucked, well, it can happen and more so when people do change their minds about such things and often depending on how deep the poly bonding goes between everyone involved.

Being poly invokes a deep sense of sharing that many find bothersome… and that sharing can – and sometimes does – reach the sexual level of things and, really – if some funny stuff happens, it’s not going to be spoken about outside of the poly group anyway or, what happens in the bedroom stays in the bedroom. Granted, finding yourself suddenly or unexpectedly in a same sex situation when it’s supposed to be an opposite sex only deal is… shocking and that grossly understates things and, as such, it’s gonna take so doing to get one’s head around it… but maybe not so much if the possibility was not only discussed but taken seriously because, again, people do really change their minds about stuff and sometimes right in the middle of sex happening.

If you’re gonna share, then should be really be limits placed on who gets to share whom? I learned not to be surprised by any of this. You don’t ever expect it to happen – well, unless it’s already been agreed that it should – but you should never discount or dismiss the possibility and it’s my thought that if you do dismiss or discount it, you might not be all that aware of that power to bond than you think you are – no offense. Now, some guys do say that if it happens, well, it happens and many may not be of a mind to really object or pitch a royal bitch about it because it can and will foster disharmony across the whole poly group. And, yeah – a lot of guys are more concerned about their own sensibilities in this and it’s not that they don’t have a right be concerned about them but what are you willing to do to contribute to the sexual happiness of one and all?

Among the fellas? Eh, not a whole lot. In any kind of group setting, I’ve known guys to be paying more attention to where the other guy is and what he’s doing than he is paying attention to what he should be paying attention to: Having sex. I’ve seen guys jump like they’ve been shot or something when I’ve gotten “too close” to them or our legs touch or some other kind of unintentional and incidental contact… and it has either made me shake my head or laugh to myself to see how… skittish the other guy is and it had made me shake my head to hear him say, all after the fact, that he reacted the way he did because he thought I was gonna do something to him.

Being bisexual, I’d never say that it didn’t cross my mind or that it never crosses my mind… but boundaries should be respected but I know, even if no one else does or believes it, that boundaries can be adjusted on the fly because there’s a need to, whether it’s being all caught up in the moment or there’s a bond in the process of being formed. Still, some guys are just funny about it. It’s unmanly. It’s gay as fuck. Don’t even look at me while we’re having sex with our female partners/participants and, yeah, sure, it’s a whole different thing if the ladies get involved with each other, “accidentally” or on purpose. Women just seem to handle this way better than guys do even if they didn’t expect anything to happen or they believe that any sex that happens between the girls is “too lesbian” for their sensibilities. Oh, they’re gonna talk about it later and they just might agree that, all things considered, it wasn’t all that bad.

A lot of guys, well, we don’t tend to think like that and, again, I know of guys who are very well aware of the possibility of some interaction with the other guy/guys and it scares the shit out of them. For some guys, it’s not like that they don’t feel the… bonding pull; I know a lot of guys who’ve said – and with some embarrassment – that they felt that if they just reached over and wrapped a hand around the other guy’s cock, well, that works. They didn’t do it but that’s not really the point in any of this.

Being poly is, of course, more than just the sex that’s possible; it is really sharing every aspect of your lives with others who choose to be with you in this – and now it’s just a matter of how deep that sharing goes. Rules are put into place to inhibit or prevent behaviors and are usually locked down tighter than white on rice and it works… and sometimes doesn’t so much because the thing that can’t be controlled is what someone might be thinking and/or feeling about the “no funny stuff” rule so many poly couples put into place – and where the fellas are concerned more than the ladies – women, again, are just so much better about this.

Maybe such interactions never happen – they don’t always do… but everyone involved in the group should, at the very least, I think, be aware of the possibility and potential and never, ever dismiss or discount the fact that people really do change their minds and for some folks, changing their mind can happen at the speed of thought and, yeah, I know a lot of people who have surprised the shit out of themselves to find themselves doing something they weren’t ever of a mind to do. I’ve heard them say that it just felt like the right thing to do in that moment or, if they did nothing – and to not start a riot – it still felt like the right thing to do. Again, I’ve heard both men and women say, “I don’t know what made me do that!” But I know why they did because, unlike most people, I know and believe that shit does happen and not always when it’s not supposed to. I know that people in the right place, in the right setting, and at the right moment can get unlocked being in that moment and that’s some very scary shit and more so when you really don’t expect to get that unlocked.

Which is what makes any kind of group sex pretty fucking scary for a lot of people and men more likely than women. It’s sex. It doesn’t mean that your gay or even bi but people have a hard time seeing sex for what it really is and the way it can be. If “Paul” unexpectedly leaned over and grabbed my dick, okay, it might surprise me since he made it clear that he wasn’t about any funny stuff… but I’m not surprised that it happened. Am shocked to find a mouth on my dick that “isn’t supposed” to be there? Nope, not one bit. Get a finger in my butt that isn’t attached to a woman? Not even gonna be surprised and not just because I happen to be bisexual (which helps): It’s because I don’t ever underestimate the power of sex.

Anyone considering being poly and in a group shouldn’t either. Have serious discussions about it and, if nothing else, acknowledge that the potential is there and it can cross someone’s mind even if they don’t plan on doing anything. Respect boundaries, of course, but if possible, don’t make them too… fragile, for lack of a better word. Even in this, no means no but people, again, do change their minds and it doesn’t always take a long time for such a change to show up. The only way something like this is going to fuck shit up is if you allow it to and the bad part is, Jennifer, a lot of guys are more than willing to let shit get fucked up than they are willing to just go with the flow of things. And no: I don’t think it’s “fair” that it’s okay for the girls in the group to play with each other but it’s not okay for guys to play with each other – and even if the only time they interact with each other is when everyone piles onto the bed and goes for what they know.

Hey… I won’t tell if you won’t. What happens in our poly family stays in our poly family.

 

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Life, Living and Loving: Fits and Starts… and Hiccups

If you manage to get through all of the stuff that needs to be done in order to agree to open up your relationship, there remains yet another hurdle: Finding someone – or someones – you can explore your newly-found (or newly won) freedom with.

If you had asked me, before all of this took place in my life, who’d I’d give my right arm to sleep with, I could have spent a week writing down the names of everyone I may have wanted to sleep with. After this life-changing moment?

Couldn’t think of anyone. Even worse, couldn’t even run into someone who, upon first glance, I could say, “Okay… that person might be fun!” Being bisexual, well, the male part of the equation wasn’t all that difficult since, in the majority of times, I didn’t have to go looking for a dick to play with – they’d find me and from “directions” that would have me getting that, “Who knew?” look on my face.

My biggest problem with women? Convincing them that I wasn’t lying to them when I’d tell them that I really did have permission to have sex with them, you know, if they were interested. It got to the point where I’d even tell them that if they didn’t believe me – and they didn’t – they could call my wife and hear it from her. Sometimes that worked, sometimes it just made women even more suspicious and suggest that I could have faked the confirmation and the woman they were talking to really wasn’t my wife.

As a guy, you get used to being summarily dissed by women and to the point when one tells you, nope, ain’t gonna happen, you just shrug, lick whatever tiny wound the rejection created – and as opposed to the huge, gaping wounds you could received and before you learned to get used to it – and keep searching for one who just might say yes. In this environment, whew – the rejection aspect was even more profound and in the early going, I thought, “What’s the point in being free to do something when it’s harder to make happen?”

Fits and starts… and hiccups. Even if you’ve developed a plan of action in these things there’s that saying the military has: No plan survives first contact with the enemy… and it is so very true! You learn that just because you and your partner have a plan – and maybe even several plans – in place, that doesn’t mean that those you might interact with, one, is going to go along with your plan or, two, doesn’t have a plan of their own that they’d prefer to put into play.

One of the things about being open that tends to defeat couples isn’t always what they may wind up doing – it’s the inability to do anything at all or you get someone interested, plans are made… and the whole kit and caboodle falls into a crack or otherwise never sees the light of day; the other person or persons gets cold feet, or realizes their own plan in this has way too many flaws, or one of their rules are in violation, or even, with couples, someone realizes that they’re in a position to wind up taking one for the team and/or the green-eyed monster arrives with all its bells and whistles on and, yeah – they just don’t believe a word you’re saying.

It’s frustrating to ask your partner, “Have you gotten any interest?” and they reveal the fits, starts, and hiccups they’ve been experiencing as well that might have the two of you asking what, if anything, you’re doing wrong… and chances are that you’re not doing anything wrong… you probably just kinda overlooked the fact that you still gotta be able to convince other people to have sex with you… and that can include anyone you do happen to know who may have said or even hinted that they wouldn’t mind having sex with someone who isn’t their partner.

Doesn’t mean that someone is going to be you. For a lot of couples, swinging is a “logical” solution and choice because, you know, swingers are just wild and crazy sexual animals who often have parties just for that purpose… and even in this, many find that this solution ain’t what it appears to be and being rejected – and for the tiniest of things – is just a way of life in the world of swinging. The hard thing to swallow in this is that they will tell you that if you get rejected, it’s not personal and, well, shit – I don’t know about you but rejection sure feels pretty damned personal to me.

Who wants to be told or have the feeling that you’re just not good enough for them? Now, it’s not that newly open couples cannot and do not have success in this venue – they do but it remains true in any of this that in order to have sex with someone, you still gotta convince them that doing so would be in their best interests.

Getting off the ground and running isn’t always that easy, from being able to find like-minded individuals or couples, to the ever-present specter of rejection and including all the fits, starts, and hiccups that seem to appear and more so when – and this the not-so-funny part – before y’all decided to be open, you were turning down offers for sex and almost as a matter of course.

What’s the solution? There’s only one that I know of and that is to not give up. Stick with it; remain dedicated to this; talk about any or all fits, starts, and hiccups and take a close look at your plan to see if there’s something that needs to be changed. Keep in mind that if you’re out there searching for others to play with, there are others out there doing the same thing… and the problem here is that unless you somehow make contact, there’s no way to know that they’re out there and looking just like you are.

You might even know someone – or someones – who might be interested and more so if you’ve ever heard them talking about it; hell, you may know someone who’d been hinting and hitting on you and you’ve – yeah – rejected them and, as such, they just might be gung ho to throw it down with you… but it might not be the slam-dunk you think it is.

That’s about the time you learn something very important: Thinking and doing really aren’t the same things. Even I learned that some folks can talk up a blue streak about how they’d love to get you in bed, you know, if you weren’t married (or otherwise in a relationship) but the moment you tell them, “Well, now you can!” um, shit, ah, all of a sudden, they don’t seem all that eager to make their fantasy about having you a reality – and if they believe you in the first place.

And they probably won’t. Again, it’s frustrating and a lot of couples just give up on their plans to be open. Sometimes it’s a waiting game; it can include being… daring enough to put out feelers to see if the person – or persons – you think would go for it are, in fact, of a mind to go for it. In this, you gotta be the ultimate salesperson and gain the skills necessary to counter – and even negate – any and every reason the others will offer about why they’re not going to get naked with you.

You have to be able to suspend their beliefs and, yeah, convince them that you’re not lying to them or – gasp – setting them up for something that’s gonna get them into trouble. You have to be ready and willing to tell them the whole story of why you’re asking them to have sex with you… while, at the same time, having the sure and certain understanding that they still – and probably – aren’t going to believe that your proposition to them is 100% legitimate.

And… it happens. It’s so easy to have spent an untold amount of time putting this being open thing together and now you’re ready to rock and roll… and it’s not happening or, worse, the fits, starts, and hiccups arrive to dash plans upon the rocks of failure. You should be proactive and learn from the failures, not only about yourselves and whatever plans you have but to take a look at the people you’re trying to entice into your bed and examine what their objections are – and then come up with a way to counter their objections.

It’s not easy and more so if, by chance, you already know someone – or some someones – who would be good playmates. It’s always good to know who is that open-minded about sex and that they just might have the same mindset about the flaws and fallacies of remaining monogamous… doesn’t mean that they’re gonna jump at the chance to have a roll in the hay with you and more so when we tend to abide by and hold true to the notion that friends don’t fuck their friends.

Which, of course, isn’t as true as it seems and, indeed, it tends to defy logic because we also tend to agree that it’s better the devil you know than the one you don’t. We say that screwing people we know – and know well – can destroy friendships and, yep – that can happen but – yep – it doesn’t always happen which, if anything, should make you pay closer attention to the people you know and determine if you can approach them or otherwise feel them out on the matter because the truth is that unless you ask, you’re never going to know.

Do your best to not let the rejections, fits, starts, and hiccups get you to thinking that doing this ain’t worth it and/or all you’re going to do is keep failing. More often than not, getting off the ground and running requires a great deal of patience as well as the ability to cultivate relationships with others and provided you’re fairly sure they can be convinced that not only are you as serious as a heart attack about this and as sincere and honest as possible, it’s going to be in their best interests for y’all to get together to, ah, gain some very biblical knowledge of each other.

In the first month of being officially open, I failed more than I succeeded and most of that was because I’m a guy – and everyone knows that men will say and do anything to get into a woman’s panties. Good lord… I don’t know how many times I said to someone, “I don’t know what I can do or say to convince you that I’m not lying and this is very much a real-deal kind of thing!” Sometimes you just gotta dust off those skills you put on the shelf, you know, the ones you used to convince people to have sex with you… when you were single.

It can take time… lots of time… or, yeah, sometimes, you hit gold right out of the gate. I can tell you what it takes to be able to be open; I can tell you – and in no uncertain terms – how not to do this… but I can’t tell you how to get other people into your beds – that’s something you’re gonna have to figure out for yourself. Do women have an “easier” time with this?

Not as much as you might think. Sure… they have the potential to get any dick they want… still gotta convince the guy that it’ll be in everyone’s best interest. Getting pussy? Might seem like a no-brainer… and it often isn’t and even if your female partner happens to knows women who are – or might be – kinda/sorta into women because there are a lot of such women who have been plied with the fear of the dreaded “L” word – lesbian. Or, if they are down with it, chances are they’re on the DL and doing everything they know how to do to keep their male partner – or even female partner if it’s like that – from finding out that they’ve been getting some on the side.

Does this give you any idea of why a lot of couples who try this wind up giving up on it? In the swinging pool, it’s often the woman who decides who gets to have sex with them… and even they are – and can be – funny about who gets to have sex with them, not to mention the guy who thinks he’s the one in control and calling the shots – and the guy who’s usually making a ton of rules about what his lady can’t do and what others aren’t allowed to do.

To that end, I stand by what I say about going out of your way to protect your relationship because you can invoke rules in a way that might protect your relationship… and it’s not going to get you what you want in this. It’s fine and dandy to have rules – to not have them, well, that makes no sense. However, when it comes to rules, the thing to remember is they do not have to be locked in lead or deemed to be unchangeable or non-negotiable. You still have to protect yourself at all times but when it comes to being open, y’all should talk about making it easier to do this more than talking about making it harder.

And throughout it all, you talk to each other… and keep talking because it’s the only way you’re gonna stay on the same page; it’s the only way you’re gonna be able to make adjustments and to be able to compare notes about those you are interested in can be very damned valuable.

If the fits, starts, and hiccups show up to toss huge monkey wrenches into the works, just do your best to remove them and keep moving forward. Being rejected or otherwise not believed that what you’re saying and proposing isn’t true? It’s gonna happen and you can’t – you shouldn’t – let these things dismay you whether y’all are going at this solo or going about it as a team.

Make a plan. Stick to it but be ready to revise it as necessary. Just don’t give up on it… and don’t just sit back on your cute asses and think that now that you’re open, suitable people are just gonna start flocking to you and lining up for their chance to experience sex with you.

Because one of the hardest things about being open is, in fact, the work you have to put in to be successful and that level of work can make remaining monogamous look like the easiest thing in the world to do. I can think of only one thing that’s even harder:

Starting a polyamorous family which has a lot of same “failure rates” as merely being open… and many more complications.

Did I mention how seriously deep this particular rabbit hole can be?

 
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Posted by on 14 August 2020 in Life, Living and Loving

 

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Life, Living and Loving: The Green-eyed Monster

Open marriages/relationships. Guys drooling over having a “hot wife.” On the surface, oh, yeah, this sounds like the shit to end all shits and while one tends to hear men talk about this a lot, it’s not outside the realm of possibility that a woman in a relationship would want more… intimacy than just being his sex partner can afford.

It’s the thing that always sounds good in theory. A couple can, if they’re not afraid to, sit down and talk about breaking free from monogamy – and usually in that “how can we spice things up” way. At this time, closely held fantasies can be revealed and even a very in-depth analysis of their sex life can take place and, um, that can be pretty brutal and hard to listen to, let alone hard to say to your partner.

I’ve told a lot of people who are of a mind that going this route would, they think and feel, be a fantastic thing that, okay, yeah – having been where they want to be? Absolutely amazing… and of the things that exposed some shit in me that I didn’t like and revealed that I was dumb enough to think that I could handle watching my woman having sex with someone else and like it was no big deal. Even after we spent an untold amount of time talking about a whole lot of stuff – and stuff that, as it turned out, neither of us really wanted to know or hear about – wow… and I can’t begin to tell you how upsetting that was.

The logic of it all makes sense; a couple can, if they’re forward-thinking enough, open-minded enough, grown up enough, and dedicated to each other enough, come to the joint conclusion that doing this will make them – individually and as a couple – better together. The thought of this is – and can be – exhilarating and very damned scary; it’s one thing to know or be aware that other couples have done this… something else when it’s the two of you trying to do this.

“How can me and my lady get into this?” A guy I knew asked me that question and I told him what I had learned about this and what it took for us to get to the moment when, instead of us being out there one-on-one with other people – and that really fucks with your head just to think about what you’re partner is out there doing with someone else and you don’t know what’s going on – making the decision to include others, well, yeah – that just made sense.

I told him how long we talked about this; what we talked about; what we even kinda argued about and especially how very hard it was to have these conversations because you tend to find out that you don’t know each other as well as you think you do or that you’ve both been going right along thinking that everything is A-OK… only to find out that, shit, not so much.

He asked, “Well, can’t we just agree to check this out?” and I said that, sure – you could… but that agreement isn’t going to happen easily. I told him that, obviously, he had his own thoughts about it but what he didn’t know – at that time – was what his lady might think about this. I also told him that I had learned – the hard way – that thinking about this is fairly easy; that knowing your partner is out there screwing other people is one thing and, again, not all that easy to wrap your head around… but seeing it? Being right there while it’s happening?

“I can handle it,” he said.

“I said the same thing,” I said. “Then found out that, for a moment that seemed to last forever – but was only a few seconds – that I couldn’t handle it as well as I thought I could.”

“Did you freak out?” he asked.

“I almost did but I got my shit together and remembered why we were doing this,” I said. “I got over it and everything turned out fine… but the conversation we had after the other couple had left was – let’s say it was very revealing; it exposed some things that we both had kinda glossed over or otherwise didn’t give as much thought to as we should have.”

“But I’ll tell you what your biggest problem is going to be right off the bat,” I said, shaking my head because while the guy was rather intelligent, he had no idea what he was trying to get into.

“What’s that?” he asked.

“Bringing it up to your lady,” I said. “I’m thinking that you’re thinking that you know her, that y’all can talk about every- and anything and discussing this isn’t going to be any different but I’m also thinking that the moment you mention this, you’re gonna find out some shit about her that you didn’t know about. Even if you manage to bring it up and keep your head on your neck – and even if you can get her to agree that checking this out would be a good thing for both of you, that doesn’t mean that it’s gonna happen and no matter how much sense the whole thing makes.”

“I don’t see why she wouldn’t want to check it out,” he said.

“You don’t? Hah… you don’t know a whole lot about women, do you? Even if she tells you that she wouldn’t mind having more sex and with someone else, do you really think that means she’s gonna jump on the bandwagon and actually do it? Look… I can tell you and in no uncertain terms that this thing always sounds like a good idea… until you get into what it’s gonna take to do it – and I’m not even talking about getting to the point where the two of you are getting ready to do it!”

“You make it sound impossible,” he said.

“It isn’t impossible,” I said. “But you’d have to be able to explain to her – and in very great detail – why doing this would be a good thing for her to be a part of. A lot of women will profess how much they love sex and how much they love getting laid and they’re not lying about that… but you’re talking about introducing other people into your sex life together – think about that one for a moment.”

“So she’s just gonna say no?” he asked.

“Probably… and maybe not. Either way, you’re gonna find out some shit about her that you didn’t know about her – and that’s if she even bothers to let the conversation continue,” I said. “Do you really think she’s gonna reveal to you all of her secret sexual desires and like y’all are just talking about the weather?”

“Shit… so what should I do?” he asked.

“I can’t tell you that and I wouldn’t try to. If you think she’d be down with this, well, ask her… just don’t be surprised at how she might react to your proposition,” I said. “You know what they say – if you don’t ask, you won’t know… but they also say that you should never ask someone something that you really don’t want to hear the answer to.”

He did, as I found out later, propose being open to her. He said that after some long discussions – and having some painful shit revealed on both side – they agreed to give it a go. They found another couple to get busy with… and he freaked out something fierce and started a fight with the other guy – and while giving his lady a raft of shit for having the nerve to be enjoying the other guy more than she’d “normally” enjoy him.

Yep… that didn’t go or end well at all and it’s a hard object lesson. You really do have to relearn some shit about this and you sure as hell have to learn how to master – or keep in check – your emotions and, as always, I’m talking about the negative ones. He, like a lot of guys, thought he could handle watching someone else fuck his lady silly but, as I had told him, “Thinking it is one thing… but seeing it is a whole very different thing and more so when chances are you’re gonna find something else about her that you didn’t know… and you are most definitely gonna find out some shit about yourself that, before the fact, you didn’t give a lot of thought to because you thought you could handle it.”

I’ve seen so many couples try this… and fail… and catastrophically and fatally so…. and that’s just by being open in the first place, let alone introducing the group sex piece. Just trying to convince your partner that this would be of great benefit to one and all can be one hell of a thing to do and the more they believe in monogamy and marriage vows – and keeping in mind that unmarried couples are held to the same standards as married folks are – the harder it will be to convince them to do something that violates principles… even if they would agree that, yeah – that sounds like it would be fun.

Or, as I said to one couple, “If it was that easy, everyone would be into it…” Yeah, it’s one of those “lame” statements that kinda makes no real sense when you tear it down and look at it closely but it is a statement that says, even in a sort of backhanded way, that if you think this is gonna be easy, well, hmm.

The main issues? Jealousy is at the top of the list, followed by envy and possessiveness tends to arrive and, of course, anger, both with your partner as well as with yourself. Another issue is doing this for the “wrong” reason; to me, this means that if you’re not doing this for the betterment of your relationship and for the powerful love you have for each other, yeah, this might not be a good thing to do. If you’re not as mentally prepared to see your partner behaving in… very different ways, it’s going to make seeing it – and even knowing about it in the one-on-one, solo aspects of being open – you both just might be setting each other up to fail, not only in trying to do this but causing the relationship to suffer what might be a premature death.

Knowing what I went through in this? I’m pretty quick to try to talk couples out of going there. Is it possible a couple can do this and be successful as well as thriving as a couple? Indeed it is! It’s just not all that easy because, like I told that guy, the first roadblock to face is putting this proposal up for your partner to consider. Before you even let the words come out of your mouth, you need to have plans… and those plans need to have plans; you have to be ready to not only talk about the pros but all of the cons that are, most certainly, going to come up…

Provided your partner doesn’t shut the conversation down before you have a chance to explain why you think this would be a good thing to get into. If you think that men would be more… agreeable to this? Guess again and it might help to remember how territorial we can be about “our pussy.”

What does it take? A love so strong that you both just know that nothing can touch it and tear it apart. It takes a level of communication that is severely deep and the type that goes to everyone’s “secret” place, that and being able to tell each other about each other’s positives and shortcomings – and without getting totally pissed off about it. This level of communication takes time to get through so it’s not as if a couple is going to talk about it for a few minutes; it can take much longer than that and I can’t think of a more serious and even personal conversation a couple can have with each other.

And even if you manage to get through this, you still have to arrange to do it which usually means trying to convince another couple that getting naked with the two of you is gonna be fun and in their best interest… and being ready to deal with being rejected time and time again. Even if you manage to get through this part, you still have to bear witness to each other having sex with someone else – a moment of truth that is quite the bitch. Some go for the gusto and leave their inhibitions at the door; sounds like a good thing but the other member of the couple might not think so all that much.

Or, the opposite can happen; someone’s inhibitions slam into place – and they bring some friends and just make someone either freeze up or otherwise not allow them to enjoy things as much as they thought they would. I’ve heard so many guys talk about how excited – and painfully hard – they get to think about himself and his lady being in this moment… only to be in it… and they just cannot perform and to the point where they couldn’t get hard even if their life depended on it.

I’ve seen couples get into this and discover that they didn’t talk or plan things out as much as they thought; I’ve seen them create rules – which are needed – that, sometimes, makes sure that they will never have sex with another couple… or anyone else outside of the relationship. If you go into this with the thought in mind that doing everything you can to protect the relationship – like the real possibility of falling in love with someone outside of the relationship and the specter of loss hovering over everything – well, ya might not want to go there. Some couples go out of their way to control the actions of each other in this; to that end, if you have insecurities, chances are this ain’t gonna go well for either of you.

I say, over and over, that if a couple finds that this is what they need to do with and for each other, they first have to unlearn everything they thought they knew about love, sex, and relationships so they can learn a totally different way to go about this. I’m not joking or making light of things when I say that you really and seriously have to be grown up to get into this and you sure as fuck have to be able to keep whatever negative emotions you have – or wind up having – at bay, in check, and under as much control as you can manage.

And you have to talk. And talk some more. Not just in the planning phase but all throughout the life of this. People change; situations aren’t always so easy to control; and if the two of you aren’t working hard to stay on the same page with each other – and keep closely in touch with each other’s thoughts and feelings – both the good and bad – your success in this might be in jeopardy.

If you talk about this and your list of things you ain’t gonna do and cannot be allowed is longer than the list of things that can be done and is allowed, well, that’s not gonna work, not so much because such things cannot be agree upon but because the one thing I think a lot of couple who fail at this doesn’t take into account is, simply, someone changing their mind about what they want to experience. A lot of couples just fail to leave room for “shit” to happen; they don’t – or I think they don’t – consider how someone is going to react to someone else… and then there’s that whole “taking one for the team” thing that few people I know of care about all that much and the thing that, personally, makes me wonder about some stuff, like, how can you not be excited and raring to go to have sex with someone? Yeah, I know – attraction plays a huge role in this but the thing here is that attractions means different things to different people… and, honestly, it doesn’t work the way everyone thinks it does – or it should.

Do ya still think getting into this is easy? Lord… I hope not. It is complicated and I’m understating it and so much that a lot of couples rarely get out of the talking about it phase because this is a seriously deep rabbit hole that seems to be bottomless and you have to be “beyond” dedicated to each other and the relationship to have even the slightest chance of making this work.

Because if there’s one seriously glaring failure in this, it’s thinking “me” and not “us.” What’s gonna be good for me more than hashing out what is going to be good for the two of us and our journey through life with each other. Another is getting each other to suspend pretty much everything you believe in and while a lot of things can be set aside, belief is one that is never easy to set aside… and if you really and truly do not believe that this is going to be a good thing to do, well, I’ll be blunt and say you’re fucked – and most definitely in the good way that’s being proposed.

Having said all of this, if you can get through all of this, it’s an adventure and the kind that I’ve heard some couples say, “I don’t know why we didn’t do this before now!” It will change your lives, both as individuals and as a couple. There will be ups and downs and it makes the need to communicate even more important and understanding that if this thing gets up and running, it will not run all by itself. You gotta work at it… and in most cases harder than you would just keeping only onto yourselves.

And, I think, just as important, if everything isn’t negotiable or you’ve set up things that doesn’t allow for change… you will fail. If the communication isn’t wide open and honest – even if some of what’s talked about is kinda/sorta fucked up – you will fail. If you don’t learn to master the art of compromise, ditto. If you’re trying to convince your partner that this is what the relationship needs in order to thrive and survive – and you’re not gonna be willing to offer the reluctant partner anything they might want in this, guess what ain’t gonna happen?

Got insecurities? Trust issues? Thoughts of losing your partner makes you wanna throw up? Stuff like that? If you can’t learn together how to get rid of these things, well, I don’t know what to tell you other than don’t even go there.

And, yeah – the green-eyed monster will most certain show up and its only purpose is to take your most grandest plan for the greatest adventure of your lives… and just fuck it up in anyway it can. If you get it into your head that your partner is getting more out of this than you are – or they’re thinking the same thing, yep: That’s a problem and, again, I know I’m understanding the severity of the situation. If, in group settings, you feel like you’re being left out or even ignored, well, ya might want to, first, get that out of your head and, second, just get in there and have all the fun you can; otherwise, guess what’s gonna happen… and I can assure you that it’s not going to be good.

Sounds really good “on paper;” not even easy to make a reality. If you go there, failure in any of this cannot be an option and, believe me – a lot of shit is going to happen that’s gonna want to make you fail.

It can be done. I did it and for a very large portion of my life and I will point out that I was totally and completely against it – but I saw the necessity of it because the only thing worse than knowing what your partner is doing is not knowing what they’re doing. Heard some shit that, even today, makes me cringe just to think about it. None of it was easy but, yeah, if it were that easy, everyone would and could do it. The reality says otherwise and, as always, I remain the guy who has the nerve to say something about this.

I ain’t saying to never go there and especially if everything in your lives is, in fact, pointing in this direction; I’m just saying that getting into this will, most likely, be the hardest thing you’ve ever done, from bringing it up to actually doing it and making it work. It will expose you and your partner and, yes, uncomfortably so to find out some stuff about each other that you didn’t know about and no matter how long you’ve been together. Keeping secrets? Forget that. Not being honest about stuff? Forget that, too. Saying, “We can do this… but I don’t ever wanna hear about it?” Big mistake.

And if the two of you aren’t doing this for the “us” that you are and supposed to be, well, damn…

 
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Posted by on 12 August 2020 in Life, Living and Loving

 

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Life, Living and Loving: “I Didn’t See That Coming!”

When it comes to discussing alternative relationships – being open, polyamory, etc., there’s a lot of planning involved and so much that a lot of couples, even when interested, can be loathe to bring it up because just thinking about it as an individual can bring up a tsunami of things that have to be thought and talked about, from why this is being brought to the table to how things are gonna work and, jeez, so many things that it becomes an information overload.

But couples manage to wade through it all, get their rules all hashed out and, provided they’re fortunate enough to find others to join them in this, they’re off and running. I’ve had the honor and privilege to have sat with quite a few couples to help them sort all of this out and one of the things that can trip a couple up comes when I ask them about same sex stuff.

Some come right out and say that this is off the table; ain’t gonna happen and better not happen; some say that they talked about it briefly… but dismissed the possibility and, sure, some have, tentatively, said that they didn’t think it would be a problem but not something they’d talked and they’ll worry about that if such a thing happens.

And I’ve told them, “That’s a mistake…” and then I’ve told them why it’s a mistake. In these things, couples tend to think about what they want to do and experience… but not think so much about what could happen. Many do believe that no “funny business” is gonna happen because neither of them are into that – and it’s understandable… but. still, some “funny business” should never be dismissed out of hand because, at the very least, shit does happen and when you’re not expecting – or wanting – it to.

Then tack on that you never know when one or the other person is going to change their mind about that and, sometimes, on the fly and then because something inside of them is saying, “Go ahead… do it… you know you want to…” In this, a lot of couples think that “heat of the moment” stuff can’t and shouldn’t happen, that everyone involved should always be in complete and total control of themselves and, well, hmm, let’s just say that I’ve seen this happen so many times that thinking this way is a mistake.

It becomes a huge shock to the system and can start some pretty nasty arguments… and usually because it’s something they didn’t discuss, didn’t plan for, figured that they didn’t have to allow for such a thing to happen

One couple I know got off the ground and running and were having the time of their lives. One day, I happened to run into the male half of the relationship and asked him how things were going and he had said it was going very well until, one night, his lady suddenly went down on the other woman.

“I didn’t see that coming!” he had said.

“Well, um, when we all talked about that, I remember telling you that such a thing could happen – and you both insisted that it wouldn’t and couldn’t. I also remember telling you that it would be a mistake to dismiss the possibility, didn’t I?”

“Yeah, you did, but, shit, I didn’t think it could happen,” he said.

“I hope you didn’t jump in her ass about it,” I said. “I also hope that this… surprise didn’t ruin the moment for everyone.”

“Nah, nothing got ruined – the other couple was pleasantly surprised,” he said.

“Good… and I hope that the two of you talked about this later and y’all weren’t arguing about it,” I said.

“We talked about it and, I dunno, I wasn’t mad… but I was just surprised because she never said anything about that,” he said.

“Let me guess at something. I’ll bet that when you asked her what happened, she first said she didn’t know but then she said that it just felt like the right thing to do,” I said. “That sound about right?”

He blinked then asked, “Did she talk to you about that?”

“No, she didn’t,” I said. “But I’m right, aren’t I?”

“Yeah… how the fuck did you know what she said?” he asked.

“Because I’ve both heard and seen it happen before,” I said. “I’ve even seen guys do this and they’ve said that it just made sense or it felt like the right thing to do in that moment. I’ve heard both men and women say that they’ve even shocked themselves to realize what they were doing and, later, would say that they didn’t know what made them do it or, in some cases, allow it.”

The situation turned out well for them… but it doesn’t always turn out well and what started out being a good thing has turned into a bad thing… because no one really wants to factor any of this in. They don’t want to acknowledge the possibility and they most certainly never take into account that someone might change their mind about this. Ideally, this should be part of the conversation to begin with and, just as ideally, if one is feeling this at any time after the rules have been set, it merits some discussion. Doesn’t mean that the next time out, something’s gonna happen but it’s always important to find out and know what your partner is thinking about all of this.

And the main reason why this isn’t given a lot of real consideration and attention is because that’s not the way things are supposed to happen; it’s not what they want to experience and other such things that causes a great disturbance in the Force if/when it happens, whether it’s in the heat of the moment or it’s something someone had on their mind and in that moment just said, “Fuck it… I’m gonna do it!” and, perhaps, thinking that it’s better to beg forgiveness – and say, “I don’t know what made me do that!” – than it is to plan ahead for such a thing.

Maybe it comes up… maybe it never does but I’ve learned that the biggest thing that fucks up such arrangements is the one thing no one planned for, allowed for, and didn’t see coming. I’ve seen people discuss it… and dismiss it; they’ve said, “We’ll worry about it if it ever happens!” Sometimes, someone is really thinking about this… but they don’t say anything about it and usually out of fear of some shit getting started but, of course, that’s a mistake, too; since you need to talk about everything and I do mean everything, well, this is part of that everything.

Any thoughts you might have about it. Any experiences you may have had or came close to having. Yeah, you can say that things shouldn’t come to that but at the very least, you both have to seriously and truthfully acknowledge that the possibility exists for shit to happen. Those folks setting up a poly “family” should equally be aware of the potential because even in closed family environments, the more you interact with each other, the more some…. stuff tends to surface.

Maybe it comes up, maybe it doesn’t but if you don’t plan for it and make it a legit part of the conversation, you can either be pleasantly surprised or everything you’ve worked on in this will disintegrate.

Let’s not have that happen, aight? Whether you’re into it or not, plan for it; talk about it and, maybe not expect it to happen but put yourself in a position where, if it does happen or come up, you won’t get surprised by it.

 
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Posted by on 12 June 2020 in Life, Living and Loving

 

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Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: The Quandary

I’ve said it once and I’ll keep saying it: The worst possible situation ever is to be married (or in a relationship) and bisexual. When someone has been bitten by the bi bug and that urge to do something about it becomes damned near overpowering, one has three choices:

Ask for permission, cheat, or give up any hope of doing either of the first two things. The first one ain’t likely to happen, the second one, well, the dangers are pretty obvious, aren’t they, and the last one is pretty bad because there’s not too much that’s worse than really needing something badly and not being able to get it. If people are saying that bisexuals tend to suffer from mental illness more than any other sexuality (and I don’t believe one word of that, by the way), it’s not hard to see why, is it?

But some bisexuals kinda get lucky in that a proposition for an open relationship is on the table and you might think that if the negotiations for that are successful, well, the bisexual is in good shape.

Um, not really because opening the relationship for additional sex is one thing… but the inclusion of anything that’s “gay” is a whole different matter. You may think – and I’d understand it if you did – that if, say, “Marie” wants to open things up so she can get some new dick and some pussy, “Pete,” if he’s got a taste for dick, now has an opening to indulge himself this way, too.

Um, not really because women are funny about that and, yep – here comes that very annoying double standard that many people say just doesn’t make any sense. Why is it okay for Marie to indulge herself in this but it’s not okay for Pete? The first answer is kinda simple: What Marie wants to do in this has nothing to do with what Pete is hoping to do. Opening the relationship is about her and any extra pussy Pete might get out of this is kinda like an afterthought. She’s gonna be able to fulfill all of her sexual desires and she’ll be happy about that and, Pete, well, even if Marie didn’t know he had a craving for cock, he’s just gonna have to settle for the extra coochie – and that’s provided that Marie is even willing to share some with him.

Maybe she will, maybe she won’t. You can exchange Pete for Marie in this scenario but one of the things I’ve found odd about this situation is that if Marie is the one who wanted this, she isn’t going to have single though in her pretty little head that when she’s romping around with a woman, what she’s doing is gay… but if Pete said something about wanting to suck a dick, that is gay.

And will not be allowed. Nope. Uh-uh. Get the fuck outta here with that shit. Now, whoever gets kicked to the curb on this one usually has a question leap into their head and they might even ask it: How come you can get what you want outta this but I can’t?

And the answer, again, is usually, “This ain’t about you – this is about what I want and need – that that shit you want to do is gay and I don’t care what you have to say!”

Sounds fucked up, doesn’t it? That’s because it is. The situation gets even more fucked up because, believe it or not, a lot of open relationships are actually one-sided; it’s what one person wants and if the other goes along with it, well, they do… but if they try to introduce some ideas of their own – like finding out what it’s like to suck a dick or eat a pussy – well, what the fuck is wrong with you? You should be glad that you can get what I’m allowing you to get, you selfish motherfucker/cunt!

You see, ideally, opening a relationship should be about “us” – what’s this gonna do for us, how will it make our relationship better, etc., but more often than not, opening a relationship is about “me” – what I want and reluctantly giving their partner something in return for being able to get it the way they want it… unless what the partner wants is gay… and, again, even if the person wanting this also wants to do something gay.

A lot of women suck dick… and a lot of women think it’s totally fucked up that guys suck dick and, to me, it seems like women get pissy about that because men are encroaching on their territory and, yeah, we have proclaimed and established that if a dick is gonna be sucked, women are the only ones to be doing that, you know, if they even feel like it. Likewise, a lot of men eat pussy and a lot of men think it’s fucked up that women eat pussy because, damn it, all a woman should ever need is a nice, big, hard dick.

Hard to believe that we can really be that stupid, huh, and more so when we know – and even if we’re not into this particular thing – that guys suck dick, women eat pussy… and that’s the only “gay” thing going on.

I actually sat with a couple to act as a mediator in their open relationship negotiations. They learned that my wife (at that time) and I were up to our eyeballs in it and wanted to know how to be able to do it, too. I listened to the two of them talk about the pros and cons of doing this and paid close attention to why it was felt that this had to be done and things were going rather nicely even though I had told them to expect that some of the things they were gonna have to talk about are going to be painful to hear.

The wife, on day twenty of the negotiations, was talking about how things might change down the road and mentioned that it’s possible that they could be playing with another couple and, in the heat of the moment, she’d get the thought in her head to taste pussy for the first time… and I silently applauded her for having the foresight to understand that it could happen.

Her husband – and not unexpectedly – went right off the deep end; I kinda cut him off at the pass by saying, “All she’s doing is bringing up the fact that it can happen and, believe me, it can happen. Doesn’t mean that it will but it’s like I told you when I agreed to do this – you talk about everything you can think of about this.”

He calmed down and said, “Well, what if we’re getting busy and I start sucking the other guy’s dick?” – and I know he said it just to jerk her chain over what she had said.

Then she went ballistic and the situation got lost as they started accusing each other of having already done something they were just now talking about, her because she realized the possibilities, him because her realization pissed him off.

“Okay, I’m outta here,” I said after failing to reign the two of them back in.

“Why are you leaving?” they both asked at the same time.

“Because y’all are being stupid about this topic,” I said. “And I don’t have the patience for that. She mentions a possibility and you get all pissy and throw it back in her face – they you – pointing to her – get pissy and just forgetting that if you saw the possibility for this, then it makes sense that he could see it, too.”

“When you decide to open your relationship, you also have to open your damned minds about sex – period. Is it possible that, in the heat of the moment, a pussy might get eaten or a dick sucked – and by someone who’s not supposed to be doing that? Yeah – it is possible and if you think that it isn’t, well, grow the fuck up already. I’m telling you that it’s possible and I wouldn’t be telling you that if I didn’t already know that for a fact.”

“It doesn’t mean that it’s gonna happen but if you’re not going to be aware of what might happen and be prepared for it, you’re gonna have problems and the whole idea behind doing this is to do it with as few problems as possible. Shit… I hate it when people start getting like this! Accusing each other of doing shit y’all both know good and damned well neither of you have done. I don’t know if either of you have even thought about it but I gave you – pointing at her again – props for bringing this up; it told me that you are aware that it could happen.”

“You – pointing at him – got your ass all up on your back and said what you did because what she said pissed you off because, fuck, I dunno, maybe you’re not as smart or open-minded as you think you are? Y’all want to argue about this? Go ahead – I’m leaving; call me and let me know if I need to come back because at this point, I’d rather not.”

“That’s some cold-blooded shit, man,” the husband said to me. “I just don’t think she needs to be having her face plastered to some woman’s pussy!”

“It’s not about what you think. It’s not even about what she thinks. Right now, this is about putting it out there that it could happen and if you understand that it could, well, how are we gonna handle that?” I replied.

“I ain’t feeling that shit,” he said.

“Then y’all don’t need to get involved in this,” I said. “Shit happens when people have sex and no matter what rules they have or any other shit. You don’t believe it can or should… and I’m telling you that it can happen and without any prior intentions.”

“And what if it did?” she asked. “Should I be unhappy that him and the other guy are sucking each other’s dick? That ain’t what this is about!”

“If it does, it just does. If no one pitches a bitch about it, what’s the problem? And what this is about is sex… and you going down on some babe because you felt like it was a good idea in that moment or him sucking dick or even being sucked is still sex,” I said.

“So your lady goes down on the other woman… and you ain’t gonna say shit about it?” he asked.

“Well, our marriage is open because she wanted to be able to do that,” I said. “And the only thing I’m gonna say to her about it is, “How does she taste?””

“Shit,” the wife said.

“I told y’all on day one that this shit is way deeper and more involved that you thought it would be,” I said. “Now, we’re either going to sit here and talk about this like the grownups you both believe yourselves to be, or we aren’t and if not, I’m going home and I probably won’t be coming back – y’all can figure this shit out by yourselves.”

Things settled down and they did talk about it although they both wanted to insert a rule to prevent shit from happening and I warned them against doing that and even mentioned that this tends to fail for a lot of people because they think that shit can’t happen and then they get all pissy when it does.

“If you’re gonna have sex with other people, have sex with them,” I said. “But do it with the awareness that something might jump off that you’re not used to. The thing here, again, isn’t that it might happen – y’all need to decide on how that’s gonna affect things, oh, like what if she has a heat of the moment moment and goes down on the other woman, she doesn’t protest, and your lady finds that this shit is fun?”

“She shouldn’t,” he said.

“And you, sir, are dead wrong,” I said. “Most people who try it for the first time – and in any situation – usually finds out that it’s not as bad as they thought it was. Kinda weird, but not bad. And how are you gonna tell her what she can like and what she can’t? You can’t do that anymore than she can tell you what you should like or can’t like.”

By the time Day 90 arrived, they had hacked out the terms of their open relationship but really hadn’t resolved that “gay thing” that could happen. They both felt that neither of them had any need to do something like that, continued to believe that heat of the moment shit can’t and shouldn’t happen but, okay, they proceeded with their plans to be open but with this quandary unresolved.

When you’re working on being open, this stupid double standard cannot be allowed to be invoked. If you’ve decided that what’s good for the goose is good for the gander (or the reverse) then all of it should be good and even if someone’s bisexual potential gets revealed and even in the heat of the moment.

Is it “gay” for guys to suck cock? Yep… and it’s just as gay for women to eat pussy… but it’s not about whether this is or gay or bi: It’s about having sex and, at least in theory, this is the reason why an open relationship is being proposed and, yeah, even more so when being open is being proposed so that one can indulge themselves in a bisexual way.

It always comes down to, “What are you willing to do for your partner’s happiness in this?” and for many, they’re going to allow this quandary to get all up in the mix and, ultimately, fuck everything up. It’s not about what you do or don’t believe in these things: It’s about sex and what you’re willing to do to provide for your partner’s sexual happiness and, yeah, if it’s good for the goose, it has to be good for the gander if things go that way.

Otherwise, you’re setting yourself up to fail. Permission to anything extra will not be given and now you’ve opened the door for infidelity to come in and rule the day and even if that doesn’t happen, you can bet your ass that you’ve now put your partner in a mentally bad place and it’s going to fuck with them… and will fuck with you as well because shit not only happens – and happens when you least expect it – shit also rolls down hill… and misery loves company.

The quandary, sadly, exists and I say to anyone who is thinking about an open relationship – and for any reason – to avoid letting the quandary get between the two of you and the sexual happiness you’re looking for and that which is available. The heat of the moment is a very real thing and I’ve seen it happen enough times to know how real it is… and I’ve seen people react very badly to it. I’ve seen that “this is about me and not you” shit come up and just fuck shit up. I’ve seen women who have a craving to eat pussy want to do this openly… but her man had better not even get it into his head to suck a dick (and the other way around)…

And you gotta ask yourself if putting the quandary in place makes any sense… and I really do hope that you see that it really doesn’t make sense. If one wants to include the bi thing, okay – doesn’t mean you have to do it or that you’re even thinking about doing it. This isn’t so much about one person because this is something that impacts the “us” the two of you are supposed to be.

And if that makes them happy, well, why not? I implore you to not let any sexual shortsightedness get in the way of the sexual happiness in your relationship if you ever decide to be more open about things because if you do, chances are good that you will fail and catastrophically so. Men suck dick and women eat pussy because it’s still sex.

And if you can’t understand that, I don’t know what to tell you other than maybe you need some lessons about what sex really is and can be.

 
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Posted by on 16 May 2020 in Today's Bisexual Thoughts

 

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Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: The Great Divide

It’s hot-button topic time!

A bi guy shared that he came out to his family and with these results: All but one child was cool with it and the one who wasn’t cool is now feeling some kind of way because his dad is bisexual and has been for a long time.

His wife discovered his PreP medication, put 2+2 together and along with his confession, immediately called for a divorce and got totally bent out of shape with him because he cheated on her even though, as this guy has mentioned in his bisexual origins, he didn’t start partaking of dick until his wife stopped having sex and/or otherwise being intimate with him.

There has always been a great divide between men and women. We don’t think the same way, we don’t deal with our emotions in the same way and, duh, our thoughts about sex and intimacy are rarely on the same page and, at some point, the great divide where libidos are concern can make the deepest place on Earth – the Mariana Trench – look like a tiny ditch.

It’s a disturbing turn of events for this guy and with what I’d call the expected results and, once again, exposes the fallacy of being married in that you’re supposed to be everything your partner will ever need for the rest of their life and if that partner needs something that cannot be provided, well, too bad. You’re not gonna get it and if you take it upon yourself to get it, expect some lawyers to get involved and painfully so.

There’s a reason why being bisexual and married is the worst possible situation for someone to be in. There’s a reason why coming out to one and all might sound good on paper but doesn’t – or usually – produce positive results. There’s a reason why people resort to infidelity and, generally, it’s because they have wants and needs that marriage cannot provide for even though the unspoken part of those vows kinda/sorta say that you should do whatever needs to be done in order for the marriage to stay intact and working.

Yeah, not everyone is of a mind to do that, are they? Sometimes, the wants and needs are sex and just being intimate and part of the great divide is that men want and need the sex while women would prefer to have the intimacy without the sex even though most premarital relationships start out with a shitload of sex but, yeah, as we all know, that’s gonna go away at some point. Not only that but what marriage doesn’t allow for is… change. People want/need more sex, some find they want/need less sex, and some find that they want/need sex that cannot be obtained in the boy/girl way of things.

Not only are you not supposed to undergo any changes of this kind, you sure as fuck are not, should not, cannot say or do anything about it and, often, at the risk of having your whole life together torn asunder or, worse, I think, undergoing a lot of mental and emotional issues which often leads to physical issues. Even when the sex eventually falls off the table and vanishes into some deep, dark hole, it’s not as if the people involved don’t know that it shouldn’t be allowed to fall off the table – they do know it… and they let it happen anyway and now, hmm, there are some choices to be made.

Accept celibacy. Ooh… men don’t do well with this while women are often quite comfortable with it… or so they say. They don’t have to if they don’t want to and you can’t make them do it and if homey has a problem about it, the only thing he can do is to dump her, maybe start a new relationship with another woman… and have history eventually repeat itself and, yeah, those who fail to learn from history are doomed to repeat it – big time.

Or, my god… they can take matters into their own hands and as an act of self-preservation, go get what they want and need from someone else which, of course, is very much forbidden. I recall having a conversation with another blogger way back when I first started blogging and she was going off the deep end because her man was found to be sleeping with other women and, according to her, he had no reason to do this. Ah, but after a little digging – and as she continue to explain – she had decided that she wasn’t going to have sex with him any more – and she listed a whole lot of reasons for her decision. She didn’t discuss this with her husband – she just cut him off, no explanations and, no, the topic isn’t open for discussion.

She vilified her husband and in ways that were epic. A lot of women rallied to her side to aid in the vilification of this man and saying that she bore no fault in his decision to cheat on her. Ah, but you know me: I asked her, “If you know you’re supposed to fuck your husband and you don’t, what do you think is gonna happen… and why would you think that it wouldn’t?”

Again, she went off the deep end and in ways that, to be honest, I expected her to, going on and on about her rights and all that and insisting that the implied actions the vows she took didn’t mean a damned thing and maintained that she had the right to take sex away from him and he had no business doing what he did.

Sounds crazy, doesn’t it? This next one gets even better.

Another married couple and married for years. Somewhere along the line, wifey came to the conclusion/decision that she needed the touch of a woman in her life to make her feel whole and complete. Oh, sure – she was having sex with her husband and enjoying it but it wasn’t enough. She mentioned this need to him and, not unexpected, homeboy went right off the deep end about it and offered up what I’d call the usual threats and telling her, “I am all you should ever want and need!”

Um, er, apparently not, huh? As she told me, she went along with his position on this but as anyone who is bisexual will tell you, the urge never goes away; she found herself becoming depressed, irritable, stuff like that and having sex with him, well, yeah, it kinda stopped being as wonderful as it had been, not that he was inept at it but because it wasn’t all she needed for her physical and emotional satisfaction.

She said that she didn’t intend on cheating on him but, yeah, she wound up sleeping with another woman and it was everything she had wanted and hoped it would be. Yes, she felt bad about it but she had asked, “What was I supposed to do? Isn’t he supposed to take care of all of my needs?”

Well, yeah, he’s supposed to but that “let no man put asunder” part of the deal just doesn’t allow for it. Okay… he found out about it and the shit hit two or three fans and she said that the worst part was his total inability to understand why she had the need for another woman that she had and him insisting that she should have never had that need in the first place.

It gets better. They didn’t separate or divorce but she learned that he had decided to partake of some dick as “revenge” for her getting some coochie and the matter was made more turbulent by him now insisting that he had the right to have sex with anyone he wanted to and if she didn’t like it, she could leave.

I heard about this and all I could do was shake my head. I had asked her, “Did it ever occur to either one of you to change the rules so that you could both get the… extra stuff you needed and keeping the marriage going strong?”

Apparently, neither of them did and, at the time I had spoken with her, the divorce was in progress and, according to her, was getting very, very ugly.

And in either of these cases, things didn’t have to happen the way they did. Maybe it’s just my opinion but the way you prevent infidelity of any kind from taking place is to remove all of the reasons for it to occur and sometimes that means allowing or providing what the other person needs when it’s pretty much impossible for them to do it or, as I like to say, if someone needs dick/pussy, um, the other person ain’t equipped to provide it. Now, if your job as spouse is to make and keep your partner happy and to the best of your abilities, if you found out that baby girl had a great need for the touch of a woman to go along with whatever sex she was having with him, why would you not deny her when doing so is going to make her a very miserable creature… and you’re gonna find out just how miserable she’s going to make thing?

Well, because you’re not supposed to allow it; being married gives no one any wiggle room in such things and the only thing one can do is suffer with being deprived or get out of the relationship which can be a problem all by itself when, in a lot of cases, the relationship was just fine… until this came up.

This great divide just keeps getting wider and deeper because we, as a matter of course, continue to play by the rules even when it becomes known, in some way, that the rules aren’t working. We would rather throw each other away like last week’s garbage than to sit down and figure out how we can do what we need to do while keeping the relationship whole and functioning.

The good news is that a lot of married couples – and unmarried couples, too, because they’re being held to the exact same rules (in case you never realized that) are discovering that changing the rules makes sense and more so when going it alone, in these days and times, ain’t all that easy. It takes a lot of thought and planning to figure out how to bend – or straight up break – the rules so they can fit the way they need them to fit but it can be done. It’s being done because, well, it makes sense for it to be done and more sense than throwing away a good relationship because those other needs can now be addressed and taken care of and, yeah, sometimes, they can be done together.

The divide between men and women isn’t going to go away. Things like sexuality can make the divide even bigger and we tend to believe and hold true that there’s nothing anyone can do to keep their relationship from falling into the abyss because, again, the rules say you can’t do anything.

The rules are wrong. Yeah, I know what they say and what they mean and I even know why the rules are the way they are. They’re still wrong. They are flawed in that they do not allow for the well-known fact that people change and for whatever reason that change takes place for them. The fallacy of the rules proves that most people won’t do jack shit for the sake of love for the person they say they’re so much in love with.

How did that line in the song go? “I’ll do anything for love… but I won’t do that…” and that, all by itself, speaks to the inherent hypocrisy many of us engage in and, oddly, it’s understandable since, even when married, we are always thinking about “me” and what’s good (or not) than we are thinking about what is the best way we can do things for “us.”

And sometimes, the best way to take care of “us” is to do our level best to provide our partner with what they need and, in this case and situation, sex and intimacy. If you’re not gonna do it – and for whatever reason that may be – why would you deprive the partner who still wants and needs it. Do ya need a different kind of sex and by that I mean sex with someone who happens to be, ah, physically like yourself? Nope, I”m not talking about exchanging one for the other and as people are wont to think is what’s going on – I’m talking about that need being an additional one and, crudely, what’s needed is pussy and dick because, well, um, that would make us happy campers and that happiness will envelop the whole relationship.

Or it could… if there wasn’t someone in the relationship who continues to believe that the rules are what they are and can never be changed for any reason… and even if it costs you what was a damned good relationship before any of this became known.

We are self-destructive in this and the most insane thing about this is that many of us will sit back and be all pissed off about this particular thing and let the relationship die.

Any wonder why the great divide keeps getting wider and deeper? Do you understand why people cheat on each other when, um, with a little “creative thinking,” it can be prevented? Do you really love the person you’re with enough to give them what they want and need because whatever you already have, while good and all that, isn’t all that they need? If you take sex and intimacy away from them – and, again, for whatever reason you feel you need to do this to them – why would you go off the deep end when you’ve left them to their own devices and, in their mind, they have no other choice than to get what they need even at the risk of trashing the relationship?

And how do you justify doing this and not giving a fuck if depriving them is going to result in either living with the most miserable person in the world… or they’re gonna up and leave you because, clearly, you don’t really give a fuck about them and you’re more worried about your own ass than you are about theirs?

The great divide. A supposedly unbridgeable gap that, really, social norms have created between us other than the biological differences between men and women. We’re never going to make it go away… but it is within our power to not let that divide get any wider and/or deeper.

We’re just not of a mind to do that. The guy I mentioned way back in the beginning of this? Lemme ask you something: Who do you think is at fault for the way things turned out for him? Are you like many people would be and say this is all his fault? That he had no right to pursue his own sexual desires and start sucking cocks because his wife refused to have sex with him but she had every right to not have sex with him even if, legally, she could be dragged into court for loss of consortium and that’s grounds for divorce?

Could things have been handled better? In some kind of way that wouldn’t result in divorce? Are you looking at these questions and saying, “Nope!” or are you thinking, “Yeah, but…” and you’re conjuring up a lot of stuff to follow the word “but?” What are you willing and able to do to preserve your relationship? Anything? Nothing? You okay with being part of the problem instead of being part of the solution?

You’d do anything for love… but you won’t do that… or anything else for that matter? That it can’t be done? Ya don’t believe it can or should be done? And, if by chance there’s someone who’s had their life tossed into the garbage disposal because of this situation, are you good with letting it go there when, perhaps, you – or both of you – could have kept it from getting ground up into itty-bitty pieces?

Yeah… I’m the guy who asks you about shit like this. And if you’d let the whole thing die, well, I knew you would because you either don’t believe in such shit or, if you do believe that it’s possible, you don’t know if your partner would be agreeable or not… and you’re very afraid to ask about it, afraid to tell them that while they are providing for your needs, they aren’t taking care of all of them and as far as sexuality is concerned, they are physically incapable of taking care of them because, um, if girlfriend needs some pussy in her sexual diet, the guy she’s married to doesn’t have one.

And do you think he’d be right to deprive her of what she needs? And, yeah, the reverse situation is just as applicable. Do you understand that what makes one or both of them wrong in this are the rules that are designed to remove any or all needs you have now… or will ever have in any future?

Do you see it? Can you get your head around any of this? Are of a mind that people who do break the rules are the ones who are all fucked up and doing shit the wrong way? Feeling some kind of way about yourself because you, too, have… other needs that you know aren’t going to be taken care of or even talked about so you just accept being deprived because that’s the way it’s supposed to be unless you break up?

You good with that? And if you are why are you?

 
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Posted by on 13 May 2020 in Today's Bisexual Thoughts

 

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Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: “Why Won’t He/She…”

“…join me in this?”

You kinda/sorta don’t generally hear this question outside of the thing that if you’re bisexual, the first thing you wanna do is have a threesome. One of the things I’ve been aware of – and have been kinda curious about – are those bisexuals who’d be happy if their partner would jump in the pool with them… and then the partner asking about this often becomes frustrated because they don’t or, what tends to happen, they get their head handed to them for having the nerve to even suggest such a thing.

There are a lot of things that play into a non-bisexual partner not wanting to join the party. One is they ain’t like that and wouldn’t be for any reason. Another is the sanctity of the relationship itself and keep in mind that unmarried couples are held to the same standards as married ones are. Yet another is, um, yeah, they’ve been thinking about it for themselves but afraid to say anything about it. Now, for this one, you’d think that being asked to jump in with their bisexual partner opens the door for discussion… but that doesn’t always happen – it’s one of those, “Yeah, but…” things I like to point out at times.

I understand that when one has their bisexuality in hand it “makes sense” to bring their partner along for the ride with them… except the logic of such a thought rarely matches the reality of what the partner being invited is thinking. A guy asks why his woman doesn’t want to have sex with another woman and, really, you gotta scratch your head wondering why (1) he’d even ask this question and (2) why he doesn’t know the answer already.

Let’s see… she won’t do that because she doesn’t believe in it. Maybe tried it before and either liked it or didn’t – but now she’s in a relationship with you so all bets are off. Maybe she wants to but she’s not concerned about herself – but she’s worried about how her man is gonna behave with another woman in the mix. One of the biggest gripes bisexual women have is that their guy wants to be all up her business, from wanting to join them when they have sex to claiming he has the right to choose her partners for her. And let’s not overlook the obvious: Women aren’t known for their ability and willingness to share.

But neither are guys so much. Why won’t he jump in with his bisexual lady? He doesn’t believe in that shit, might be scared shitless to find himself being tagged as gay, and some guys actually are afraid that if they try it, they’re gonna like it. Ooh… scary stuff! Most guys can’t deal with sharing their woman with anyone else because of the rules of being in a relationship and being monogamous to fears of loss and being made to “look bad” – nothing will trash the male ego faster than a guy watching his lady with another guy and she’s having “more fun” with the other guy than she’s ever had with him and, of course, the fear is that some guy – or even gal – will have sex with her and it’ll be so good that she’s gonna ditch him in favor of the better and more exciting sex.

Why won’t/don’t they join the party? They don’t have to if they don’t want to! A lot of people pondering this ask what they can do to convince their partner to be “just as bi as they are” and, well, you gotta convince them; you’d have to be able to explain it all to them and convince them that going this way is going to be of great benefit to them or, as I’ve heard it asked, “What’s in it for me? What am I getting out of this?”

Most people have a very hard time answering this one and more so since, perhaps obviously, you’re asking them to do something that’s gonna be way out of the box for them. Even if ya happened to know that they were… party-goers in their past – and usually when they were single – well, that was then and it has no bearing on what’s going on now.

Some of the pushback and resistance that takes place is the asker being unable to really explain why their partner should be all up into something that has little or nothing to do with them… but everything to do with the person asking. So any discussion has to be framed and centered on us or give me a reason how me doing this is going to make things better for us. And, oh, yeah, “more sex,” while probably nice, isn’t the main answer and shouldn’t be the only answer.

And if you can’t put forth a very compelling and convincing response – and especially for someone who has no prior experience in this and other reasons why they haven’t even thought about it (except to say they’d never do it for any reason), well, chances are good that you’re going to be all by yourself in this and there’s a good chance that because you’ve brought this up and have revealed yourself to be bi, ya better not even think about sneaking behind their back to do any dirt ya might have in mind to do.

I hear people asking this and I tell them, “Good luck with that…” and I’m not being facetious or making light of the matter because the success rate in this is pretty much non-existent. I’d go as far to hazard the guess that if you had 100 couples facing this particular situation, you’d be doing something if 2 of them said, “Okay! Let’s try it and who knows – I just might like it!”

On the one hand, it’s an intellectual exercise that requires thought and logical processing… but the reason why it probably won’t happen is, again, more emotional than logical even though the emotional response appears to be based upon a logical decision because, sure – a person can think of a gazillion reasons why they wouldn’t want to get into any same-sex stuff.

And few reasons why it just might be a good thing to do. You’d be hard-pressed to convince someone how them joining the pool party is going to be good for the relationship and I’ve heard many say, “It’ll bring us closer together!” It would… if the person you’re asking could see them doing something they’ve been told never to do. Do people fantasize about doing the bi thing?

Yep, they do… doesn’t mean they’re gonna do it. You might be able to get the partner to admit that they do or have at any time fantasized about it but the thing about fantasies is that… they’re fantasies; figments of one’s imagination and all that. Presenting them with an opportunity to make that fantasy real? Convince them that it’s going to be in their best interest and in the best interest of the relationship.

And I really do wish you a lot of luck doing that. If ya don’t get told, “No fucking way – you done lost your goddamned mind!” you can probably consider it a minor “victory” to get a “Yeah, but…” kind of response from them – but that doesn’t mean that they’d consider it; that’s just them saying they understand what you’re saying… and here comes every reason they can bring to bear for why they’re not gonna do it.

It makes me wonder if bisexuals who ask their partner to jump in with them ever think about what it took for them to accept their own bisexuality and then get up the nerve to actually have sex like that. I wonder if the logic ever clicks in their heads to think, “Well, I had a hard time adjusting to it so they’re gonna have a hard time, too!”

And given all the angst and other bullshit being spread around against being bisexual, well, yeah – good luck trying to convince someone who isn’t bisexual that becoming bisexual is gonna be a good thing for them right along with, again, how them “going bi” is going to make the relationship better… and more so if they’re of a mind that there’s nothing “really wrong” with the relationship as it currently stands.

And, sometimes, even if things on the home front are… shaky, have fun trying to convince them that being bisexual right along with you is going to make things better. Now, it’s not as if one can’t muster the brain power to present a very compelling argument in favor of this but most arguments tend to fall apart during the “what if” phase of the discussion and you can bet anything you care to that you’re going to be asked “what if” kinds of questions you will not be able to answer… because there’s no way for you to know what the answers are.

“We’ll worry about that if/when we have to” is not a good answer. How does one answer, “What if I don’t like it?” How does one answer the even trickier thing of, “What if I like it… and I really like it?” And it is a trick because if you respond with, “Well, that means you like it and that’s the whole thing!” you just set yourself up for some shit down the road. It’s really a trick question and one that gets asked to see if you’ve really thought about the consequences, whether they’re good or not.

See, a lot of people who want their partner along for the ride tend to think short-term and not as long-term as is really required… because it’s a lot to think about and tends to require a crystal ball. They also think about this in ways that won’t cause the relationship to end or otherwise “go out of control” oh, like, they’ve gotten their partner to dive in and they not only like it but now they get “candystoreitis” and they want and need more… a whole lot more and in excess of what the asking partner wants and needs.

Some folks won’t even bring this topic up because they usually know that if their partner agrees, there’s going to be no containing them; they’re gonna want more than what’s been planned to provide, oh, like, going off on their own to get their bisexual fix whenever they need to.

I’m gonna tell you that if this isn’t something that crosses your mind – and you don’t have an answer for it or don’t have a plan in place to cover it, well, hmm, I think you should think about this… and think about it a lot. If you don’t get flat-out rejected asking them about this, yeah, you could be opening Pandora’s Box and now you’ve created a monster… and one ya might not be able to control.

If you’re brave enough, sure – you can ask them but if you believe that there’s no harm in asking, ya might wanna rethink that one. You might stand a better chance asking them for a heterosexual-like open relationship than you do asking them to become bisexual and “just because” you are. It’s difficult – and that’s putting it mildly – to convince someone who doesn’t have a “bisexual bone” in their body to try to be bisexual; it’s difficult to convince someone who is firmly and deeply rooted in monogamy to not be monogamous.

It’s difficult to put together a compelling and comprehensive argument for why they should do this. It’s at times and situations like this when one tends to find out that they really don’t know the person they’ve been in a relationship with. I know of a guy who put this on the table with his woman and because he heard her say that she’d sleep with that hot chick she saw on TV… then he found himself searching for his head after his lady lopped it off and sent it bouncing somewhere.

Just because your partner might say something like that doesn’t mean they’d want to actually do it. This whole thing calls for a level of conversation that is beyond deep: This is about as personal as it can get because you’re putting their beliefs, feelings, and personal views about themselves under a lot of stress… and stress they’re not gonna want to be bothered with. You’re probably asking them to do what is to them, unthinkable. And if you’ve not given this particular point a whole lot of thought and consideration, well, hmm.

Go ahead. Ask them to join you in being bisexual. Don’t get me wrong – some people actually do agree to it and for whatever reason makes sense to them. But usually and generally? Ain’t gonna happen and they won’t give a fuck about how eloquently you make your presentation. I’d say that there might be one slim glimmer of hope in that you could, after getting kicked to the curb on this now, ask them again later… and much later because, who knows – they could have reason at a later date to change their mind.

Or not. Why won’t they? They don’t want to. They don’t have to. They don’t need to and the biggest hurdle: They don’t believe in it. Now go on and do your best to both challenge and change someone’s beliefs in this… and you’ll better understand why I say, without any jokes or other shit like that, “Good luck with that one.”

You’re gonna need it.

 
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Posted by on 29 April 2020 in Today's Bisexual Thoughts

 

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Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: Emotional Loyalty

I think I’m about to take a trip across a minefield, in the dark, blindfolded, and both hands tied behind my a back while wearing steel-toed boots with two-inch cleats to write about this. So, fuck it – here goes!

A lot of years ago and on a now-defunct MSN chatroom for bisexuals, a guy shared with us that his wife divorced him (an ugly affair) not because he confessed to her that he was bisexual, not because he was running around having sex behind her back… but because he was guilty of emotional infidelity. He was thinking about all things sexual and bisexual with other people and along the lines of, “I wonder what it would be like…?”

He said that the judge agreed that her claim of infidelity was valid and took the guy to the cleaners and, as he said, left him with little more than the clothes he wore to court that day by the time it was all said and done.

I remember thinking, “How the fuck did that happen?” At the time, I couldn’t make any sense of what had happened to this guy and many of the membership had asked him if there was more to this than he was willing to share but I had remembered that in all of his posts, he made it clear that he was only “bisexual inside his head” and had no intentions to act on anything he could think about.

Going down the road, I’d occasionally see – and sometimes hear – about people being accused of emotionally cheating on someone and, at one point, conversations about this got to be hot and heavy and with both sides of the argument pretty much deadlocked on the matter. On the one side, it was being said that the rules of relationships didn’t cover what someone thought while the other side went all Old Testament and consistently quoted one of the Ten Commandments about not coveting which, even the way it’s written, does say, in short, thou shalt not want anything that doesn’t belong to you.

The “you better not even think about it” thing seems to be implied, depending on how one cares to interpret what that Commandment not only means but why it was written in the first place. Now, it’s a given that when you’re in a relationship, you belong to them “mind, body, and soul” although, heh, heh, there are some folks who’d bridle at such a level of ownership and we, generally, I guess, stand up for our right to think whatever we want to and having the wisdom or common sense to know that there are some things you might think about that you shouldn’t let come out of your mouth.

It took me a while to gather my thoughts about this and to see the disconnect at work and once I did, I was like, “Wow… you mean that you can’t really think about stuff if you’re with someone? What kind of craziness is that?” and I felt it was a valid question since, as far as I knew, there’s no way you can control what some thinks. But, yeah, I’d also seen plenty of evidence where people would do just that. At this point, that judge’s decision started to make sense even when, at the same time, it made no sense at all.

Years later, I’d see the movie, “Minority Report” starring Tom Cruise and the premise of that movie was if you thought about committing a crime, some tricked out machine would catch it and you’d be arrested and prosecuted for a crime you didn’t actually commit… except inside your own head.

One of the things I learned was that the whole “only love one person at time” thing was actually bullshit; how can one only love just one person when we don’t have any control over it… other than being told that it can’t and shouldn’t be done? We believe it and we try to live by it which usually sets the stage for some heavy-duty confusion when, one day, you’re madly in love with the person you’re with and you find that you’re actually in love with someone else – and the reason you are isn’t important at this point in the discussion.

Or you’ve been 100% faithful to your partner but, one day, while you were at the deli getting your favorite pastrami on rye (extra onion and mustard) and you happen to see someone else… and your body reacts to seeing them and your mind might even say, “Wow… they’re hot, sexy (or whatever)!” That doesn’t mean you’re gonna approach them and ask if you can jump their bones but, um, since we can’t control what’s going on inside our heads like we think we can (or are supposed to), sure – ya might think about it and, indeed, “have sex” with them and in the space of time it takes you to blink (about 300 to 400 milliseconds).

In that slice of time, did you commit the crime of emotional infidelity? Would you be surprised at the number of people who’d say that you did and even if the thought never crossed your mind, oh, let’s say, 401 milliseconds later? Many of us subscribe to this: You can look but can’t touch or it’s okay to window shop as long as you don’t get it into your head to try it on for size.

And there are a lot of people who subscribe to this: Don’t even look. Don’t even think about looking. I’ve seen guys and gals who are, presumably, under this rule who are probably making themselves crazy trying to not look at someone.

So this isn’t totally about being in love or being in a relationship as it is about being in total control of someone else. What’s being said, to some degree or another, is that your thoughts and feelings no longer belong to you and that your every thought and feeling should only be about and for the person you’re in a relationship with.

And while that just might sound all well and good, does anyone see how patently ridiculous this really is? If having such thoughts and feelings about or for someone else – even someone you happen to only see in passing – is considered to be emotional infidelity, wow – methinks that’s a “crime” everyone is guilty of and if you say that you’ve never had any thoughts like that, chances are I’m not going to believe you because another thing I learned is that if you say that you’d never have any thoughts like that, you have, in fact, thought about it even in that “I’m not gonna do that” way.

We fall in love with someone and, over time, those initial feelings get… diminished by a great many things including time itself. It happens. We sometimes realize that we love the person we with… but, eh, not as much as we did when we first met and fell in love. We have gotten to the point where we nitpick the shit out of a presumed difference between loving someone and being in love with them or, as I overheard a woman telling a guy – hers, I thought – “I love you but I’m not in love with you, okay?” or the other one that kinda cracks me up: “I’m in lust with you but I’m not in love with you, aight?”

So if “Pam,” who happens to be bisexual, is involved with “Greg” and they’re all nice and happy – but Pam is having thoughts, feelings and maybe even dreams of exploring her bisexuality with another woman – but has no intentions on actually doing it – is she guilty of emotional infidelity? Would she be even more guilty if, by chance, there was a particular woman she had these feelings for – and whether the other women knew it or not?

The funny part is that some people would say that poor Pam is not only guilty but guilty as fuck and should be ashamed of herself, you know, on top of being bisexual in the first damned place. Some might feel that Greg is being victimized and even emotionally abused because Pam isn’t all about him mind, body, and soul and that he should get rid of her the first chance he gets, her punishment for the crime of emotional infidelity.

It all plays into the misconception we all kinda buy into that says if you think it, you’re going to do it, well, unless you’re tuned in enough to understand that thinking and doing aren’t the same things but, sure, because it can be that way, we just assume it always works that way.

By declaring that there is such a thing as emotional infidelity, we are – and for some reason I don’t even pretend to truly understand – taking away a major part of what it means to be human. We think. We feel. We react to stimuli and, often, visually so. We’re not as much in control of ourselves as we’d like to think we are and to the point where we can tell and even admonish ourselves for, let’s say, feeling a rush of lust looking at someone who our minds tell us is our idea of sexy and lusty and clamp down on that thought and any follow-on thoughts… then feel some kind of way because we had the thought/feeling in the first place because, as everyone knows, you should only have those thoughts and feelings for the person you’re in a relationship with… and only them.

I know a woman who is very much in love with her husband; she fell in love with someone else and ever since that moment, she’s been beating herself over it and wondering how the hell it happened in the first place since, again, it’s never supposed to happen and, of course, her confusion and dismay only deepens because, um, it did happen.

It occurred to me that there’s a reason why some people get into a relationship and any/all friendships with other people get squashed and broken apart and due to how territorial we are in relationships and based upon the rules that are supposed to merge our lives together but more often than not serve to isolate us from friends, family, other acquaintances which plays into the curious behavior we display when we get into a relationship but find ourselves only relating to other people who are in a relationship as well.

And lord help you if one of your friends is also someone you happened to sleep with or have feeling a bit deeper than just being friends. You are expected, required and demanded to forget that they ever existed; you can’t even say their name lest you become guilty of the crime of emotional infidelity. If you’re walking down the street somewhere and you see someone who gets your attention, you’re guilty of this and more so if your gaze is on them longer than a couple of seconds. I have heard both men and women get their heads handed to them in public: “What? You think they look better than I do? I bet you wanna fuck them, don’t you?”

Ever hear this one before? I’m sure you have. You’ve just been found guilty of a crime. “Do you think she’s pretty/he’s handsome?” Guilty of the crime of emotional infidelity and that question is a trap; you’re fucked if you answer it and you’re fucked if you don’t.

Sigh… and I mean a really deep one that borders on hyperventilation. The fact that, try as we might, you cannot control or do a damned thing about what someone is thinking or feeling and you sure as fuck cannot do shit about the purely human thing of being attracted, in some way, to someone other than the person you’re in a relationship with. The funny part is that many of us will “hurt the shit” out of ourselves to not have this very human and natural reaction. And because we do, in fact, are very aware of this, we wind up developing a lot of insecurity and self-doubt and start thinking of all kinds of shit and to the point of accusing our partner of many forms of infidelity… that they haven’t even done and, sometimes, a few things that we’re not even aware of, like, your eyes see a good-looking man or woman and your brain registers this and at the speed of thought, well, some shit goes on inside your head but because you’re doing something else that requires your full attention, you just might not be aware of it or it hits you later that, hey, that person was kinda hot.

And if you’ve ever had this happen to you, yep – you could be found guilty of emotional infidelity. If you have a friend that’s close to you and close enough for your friendship to be at intimate levels – not sexual, mind you – where you know some very personal shit about each other, you could be deemed guilty of emotional infidelity and if you happen to be bisexual, well, you’re hosed… even if you know good and damned well that doing whatever you happen to be thinking will be very detrimental to your relationship.

The sad truth is that we’ve made this a very real thing and love has nothing to do with it. It’s about control; it’s about the word “ownership” in that you belong to me mind, body and soul and there is no one else you should ever want and need other than me. The truth is that, um, it doesn’t work like that. I’ve had women tell me that if I didn’t look at that gorgeous woman who just walked by, well, there’s gotta be something wrong with me and I’ve told women that if they didn’t sneak a peek at that good looking guy standing over there, well, honey, is there something wrong?

Are they – or even myself – guilty of anything? Actually, no… unless being human is a crime. I’m sure there are those of you who are gonna read this and maybe offer up their own thoughts about it and start talking about specific scenarios that proves that emotional infidelity is a very real and serious crime. Should our hypothetical Pam, who is in a relationship with the equally hypothetical Greg have… intimate conversations with another woman and, if she does, is she guilty of emotional infidelity?

Many would say that she is; those kinds of conversations are for Greg’s ears only, right? That Pam has no business or right to be feeling “that way” about anyone that Greg? That she should be in total, complete control of her thoughts and feelings at all times? That should she have such thoughts means that Pam is disloyal?

That her real “crime” is being human? The tenets of monogamy are both clear as well as a matter of interpretation – who’s definition of monogamy are we working with? Monogamy controls what we do… and it is presumed to control what we think and feel and specifically if/when our thoughts and feelings aren’t totally and completely about the person we’re in a relationship with.

And it really doesn’t work that way and more so if it’s true that your thoughts and feelings are yours and no one, presumably, can tell you what to think or feel. But we try to do it anyway… and I’m the guy who’d ask if this makes any sense to find someone guilty of a crime of this magnitude when the reason is purely human in nature. We engage with others one-on-on – monogamously – because we’re told this is the only way to do it. You are expected, required, and demanded to forsake everyone else in your life for that one person and I’ll be dipped in shit if we don’t go out of our way to do that… even when we all can point to moments and situations where we haven’t done that. In that 400 milliseconds, a whole lot of shit can go on inside our heads just by looking at someone – and how many of us have kicked our own asses because the mere thought crossed our minds in that very brief moment of time?

How many of us have avoided being close friends with someone else? Broken off or had shredded long time relationships with other people? Have had a wall put up to distance ourselves from friends, family, past loves and lovers? And because we are aware that we could find ourselves tried and found guilty of emotional infidelity?

Is cybersex – including phone sex – an act of emotional infidelity? A lot of people say that it is even when there is no real physical contact going on, well, unless you’re getting yourself off while it’s happening. Is our Pam guilty because she’s in love with “Gail…” but she’s in love and in a relationship with Greg? Many would say that she is guilty on all counts.

And my question to you all is… why? Another question is are we really that insecure or, really, slavishly tied to a concept – and, perhaps, even that arrogant that we fully believe that we can control what someone else is thinking and feeling and that they are guilty of something and so much that even if you asked them what their intentions are – and the answer is there are no intentions – well, they’re guilty of having them anyway because we do believe that if you think it, you want to do it and you’re gonna do it.

I’ve wandered into the minefield – who wants to join me? But before you suit up, I’d like for you to consider something you’ve seen me write time and time again: There’s the way things are supposed to be… and then there’s the way things really are. Okay… suit up and walk the minefield with me.

 
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Posted by on 23 April 2020 in Today's Bisexual Thoughts

 

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