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Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: 15 August 22

Because of a post Naughty Nora wrote about polyamory, it got me thinking about and remembering how bisexuality got me tossed into the world of polyamory as well as trying to recall all of the stuff I’ve read where it’s been “implied” that bisexuals are “naturally suited” to embrace polyamory which I don’t necessarily disagree with but you don’t have to be bisexual to be polyamorous because this is a… feeling that begins with understanding that, well, you have a lot of love to give and that kinda ugly feeling one can get because they’re not getting all of the love they feel is needed and especially with people who are already in a relationship more than the many single people I’ve seen and heard of embracing polyamory, not just for the sexual aspects but along the lines of a saying I heard: “Many hands makes quick work.” Which is the polar opposite of, “Too many cooks spoil the broth.”

Here’s the link to her post:(https://ourmarriageanddomesticdiscipline.wordpress.com/2022/08/14/polyamory-a-snapshot/)

Polyamory in a relationship defies every rule of monogamy. Every last one of them and especially for those who are married and are now in violation of their vows and specifically those parts that says to keep only unto yourself and to let no one/no man put asunder and until death do you part. It is… quite odd that when a married couple gets to that “how do we spice things up” part of their marriage, some… sundering is often thought about and only mentioned by those who are brave – or foolish – enough to say that one way we can spice things up is to let other people into our relationship. For the longest time, that meant opening the relationship so that, individually or as a couple, needs that weren’t being taken care of could now be taken care of but those they would engage with were… disposable, to put it like this. Such a couple could, in fact, have a single “extra” lover and be in a separate but long-lasting relationship but not, um, part of the whole relationship that made this relationship possible.

Then, at some point – and a point I’m not sure about – a couple found that they could have an open marriage but what made it better for one and all were to jointly be involved with people who could be an active part of their relationship and in every way that meant. I am aware that the famous – or infamous – hippies of the 1960s and their communal living mindset that had the Moral Majority highly upset and I’ve felt that it was this kind of living that probably gave birth to polyamory, but I also think – and as I’ve seen some experts in the field of how humans relate to each other – that we were very polyamorous before monogamy came along and effectively shut it down.

Call it a rebirth of sorts if those experts are right about what they’ve been discovering. We say that it takes a village and there is so much truth to this just as it’s true that we’ve gotten away from “village life” but polyamory serves to create this village life and, well, when it’s done right – and there is no hard-set way to define what “right” means – well, it’s the shit and as I’ve written many times, it is the ultimate relationship because it will push you to your boundaries and past them and in ways that makes being monogamous stupidly easy… but is well worth the efforts involved.

Like Naughty Nora said in her piece: If someone had told me the day before I got married that a day would come that I would still be married but I would also have a couple of other “wives” and raising two more children than my wife and I would eventually have, I would have laughed in your face, asked you what kind of drugs you were on, and told you how fucking impossible that would be and then told you to get the fuck out of my face with this nonsense because I believed in what everyone else believed in where the sanctity of marriage was concerned.

And I was wrong to do that and as I would find out in short order and, yeah, due to bisexuality… and not my own. What made this… break from those former beliefs was something my mother told me the day I told her I was getting married: Your marriage is only going to be as good as the two of you are willing to make it. And… she was right and here’s the funny thing about her being right.

I remember the day when she finally decided to say something about the, ah, extra people living with us and what she thought was going on between us and I told her how all of this came to be (but leaving out certain things) and she gave me this… look that I knew was her way of letting me know that she thought I’d not only lost my mind but I had gone against everything she believed in and what I was taught and I was a few moments from really getting preached to but I may have avoided that by reminding her of what she said to me that day and then telling her that this is the way we decided would work toward making our marriage as good as it can be.

She blinked and said, “I hope you know what you’re doing.”

And I said, “So do I.” Truth be told, I resisted opening up our marriage and I resisted the creation of our poly and extended family, too. And… resistance was futile because in both situations, I saw the sense in it and as it all related to our relationship and marriage. For the being open part, it took us, oh, maybe a month of some serious talking and planning to get it up and running but for the poly part? That took a couple of years before I figured out how this arrangement would work for one and all – and that it was 100% about all of us and including our children who thought we were fucking crazy and at one point, let us know how they felt about it but with the understanding that your objections, if any, are noted – but this is the way it’s gonna be until it’s not the way it’s gonna be. It wasn’t that we didn’t try to make this arrangement as beneficial to them as it was for us because we did and went out of our way to ensure this so, no, it was just about the three of us… because it couldn’t be.

But, yeah, my wife’s bisexuality is what got us into this “mess” along with wanting to be loved and/or fucked by a guy who… wasn’t me, not that she was unhappy with me in any way but having to be monogamous wasn’t taking care of all of her needs and she did what a lot of people do: She cheated. Made me so furious it wasn’t funny but when I called her out on it and demanded an explanation, by the time she got finished talking – and issuing the now-infamous ultimatum – I… understood. I had everything I believed and thought I knew about all of this shredded and flushed down the toilet and getting the answer to a question: What would you do for the sake of love?

And my answer was, “Anything I had to.” And it was an answer that also made sense given how many people are of a mind to say, “Baby, I love you, but…” and followed by some stuff they don’t believe in or aren’t going to do so on and so forth and, well, let it suffice to say that I learned some shit about the way things can be… now all I had to do was figure out how to make it work and keep it working.

Like I say about this, this was the most insane thing I’d ever done and have been a part of… and the most physically and emotionally satisfying thing I’ve ever done and been a part of. There’s a lot of… personal shit that has to get dealt with that a lot of people who have tried to live like this, well, they weren’t able to deal with their personal shit and it would, effectively and eventually, doom them to failure and in short order because one of the first things I learned about being both open and poly is that monogamy doesn’t work and whatever you think, feel, and/or believe about the way it’s supposed to be?

Forget it. The biggest thing I had to learn was a word that I’d not learn about for literally a couple of decades: Compersion. Simply being happy because your partner is happy. Without even knowing such a word existed, I, um, I learned that I could be happy with my bisexual wife even when she would be with someone else but I’ll be damned if it “made sense” but it would – and the moment I realized that being “monogamy-minded” wasn’t going to work and for me to keep feeling, well, territorial in these things, well, not only were we going to fail but keeping all of this inside of me was going to do some serious “internal” damages that, frankly, I wasn’t trying to have to deal with.

Things weren’t always about sex but sometimes just being able to… relate to someone. To feel whatever you felt about them and without the guilt that is inherently a part of being in a relationship and not keeping only unto yourselves – and that, by the way, wasn’t just about married folks; it’s a rule that non-married folks are made to abide by as well. When I say that I learned some shit about this, I really learned some shit and my biggest “problem” was assimilating all of what I was learning so that I could hold up my “end of the bargain” where making our marriage as good as it could be made.

This would be the second time in my life that I got… liberated from the status quo and just like the first time I got liberated from it, I had to learn it on the fly, so it became such a complicated and complex intellectual exercise for me and, really, for both of us to figure out how to do that which we literally vowed to never do. And, um, to be really honest? It was fun. We learned more about each other than we thought was even possible and, believe me – I learned some stuff about her that I wish I hadn’t and I’m sure she learned some stuff about me that she didn’t want to know about but, together, what we learned was that if we didn’t have this… full and honest disclosure, none of what we were trying to do was going to work.

Man… talk about shit getting messy. I would, one night and while lying between the two women I’d just spent the three hours having sex with, understand that things were messy because I didn’t know how to do any of this without it being messy since, from being open to being poly, there was no… “manual” for how to do this so it was on me to write the manual or, really, rewrite it. People who knew about us said I was crazy for not only having one wife but two of them and, yeah, really, three of them. And… they weren’t wrong about questioning my sanity because there was never a day or night that went by when I wasn’t questioning it myself.

But it worked. Oddly, a lot of the same bumps in the road one can experience being monogamously married (even without the license, too) and, well, I knew what that was like, so I had to adapt it for two other women and on top of the one I’d been in love with since the first day I met her and knew that she was The One. And having to accept that, well, that was right… and not so much and, yeah, I learned some shit. A lot of it. And having to actively be a part of something I barely had an understanding of how this was supposed to work now that we once again threw the rulebook out.

Whew. Yet there’s nothing else like it. Being in a poly relationship and/or having an extended poly family makes being in an open relationship look like the easiest thing in the world to do because what I had to think about each and every day was how in the hell was I going to deal with three different – but oddly similar – women and in every way “dealing with them” meant. From the day-to-day family stuff to the more personal sexual and other emotional things – and that didn’t include my own thoughts and feelings, but I had it easy because I knew what they were but, yeah, women.

Whew. As I learned it takes a… vision and one that all involved not only agree with but are also ready, willing, and able to do whatever it takes to share the vision and make it work for all of us and not just one of us. Hmm, I think that herding cats is easier. It wasn’t easy on any of us and we didn’t always agree on a lot of stuff but the main thrust of this was for all of us to work toward making this relationship the best we could make it since, um, this was very much about all of us.

And given what I know now? I’d do it all over again because… it just makes sense to given how, again, being in a poly relationship/family isn’t just about having mad crazy sex all of the time: It’s about becoming a village so that we can all prosper and, importantly, continue to grow as a person, too. Like I had told my mom that day, when it was just the two of us? We struggled with a lot of things but now that there’s three of us working on stuff?

We. Got. Better. Everything got better. And not quite overnight but close enough for government work because I was tasked with the responsibility to make this crazy-assed thing work and I was determined to not fail and, yeah, I did think I could handle both of them which, um, yeah, not gonna say much about that but what that challenge really meant and the one I accepted was that I wasn’t afraid to try and I wasn’t afraid to do whatever had to be done to make it work… I just wish that I knew then what I know now.

We went from giving a shit about what other people would think and say to not giving a shit and that happened fairly quickly because you quickly get tired of people telling you what you’re supposed to be doing and not supposed to be doing but, um, yeah, we’re doing it and… we’re happy and, by the way, how is being monogamous really working for you? I’ll bet it’s not working as well as you think it is, huh?

Don’t hate the players – hate the game. Man, the shit I’d get thrown at me and, yes, mostly by women who accused me of wanting and having a harem and that all of this was 100% about me – and refusing to believe that this wasn’t my idea to begin with, well, not until they went to the source – my wife – and learned some shit and some of them actually apologized to me for the horrible things they said to and about me and some, well, they felt they didn’t need to apologize and, really, I didn’t expect them to.

Men. You’d think that the guys would be 100% on my side but the truth was they weren’t. Yeah, some guys were… envious; some expressed that I was the luckiest motherfucker on the planet and, yeah, some of them were sure that I’d lost whatever mind I had that just being involved with one woman would have ensured I was going to lose. And some were of a mind that I was the wrongest motherfucker who ever lived to have turned my back on my honor and vows “just for some extra pussy” and, well, hmm, those guys found out that I not only have a temper, I have a very nasty one, not because they offended me with this sentiment but they offended the women I loved to imply that they were just pieces of ass for me.

And to those who objected? I would tell them – and in one form or another – “You’re just mad because I – we – can do something that you can’t, and you can’t because you believe in some shit that isn’t all that true and you’re too afraid to.” And I meant it. You have no idea the number of very dirty looks I’d get from people when the three of us would be out and about together – like going shopping – and we didn’t hide the fact that we were way more than just friends and, yeah, we kinda got a kick out of PDAing the shit out of peoples’ sensibilities to be openly being affection with each other and I do mean affectionate.

But the social shit was also something that had to be contended and dealt with and beginning with us not letting any angst thrown our way bother us. And the many times I’d find myself talking to one or both of them and letting them know that, well, haters were gonna hate but we should not and cannot let that fuck with what we were doing and trying to do for the benefit of all of us and including our children. Yeah, I’d be so tickled having two white children call me “Pops” and even more tickled when they’d introduce me to people – or I’d have to introduce myself and like getting them signed up for school – that, yep – I’m their daddy and seeing the look on their faces was beyond… precious.

I sometimes felt that the five of them got a kick out of having more than one mother, too, well, until they got their asses in trouble and in this, the thing I “knew” we had to avoid was that “you’re not my daddy/mommy” shit that usually went on in some relationships and the problems that shit can cause. They didn’t like this change in things, and it wasn’t like we didn’t understand it or felt like they weren’t supposed to have objections but, yeah, we handled it and to the best of our joint abilities and you can believe that those little motherfuckers had no qualms about trying to play one of us against the other… and just like they were expected to.

Whew. Seriously messy, right? Yes, it is but if you can do it and you have a plan – a vision – to make it work? The rewards are… priceless. And I’d be lying if I said that the sex wasn’t off all kinds of hooks because it sure the fuck was and, honestly, if you think being in bed with three horny women is da shit, allow me to disabuse you of that because the only thing that saved me from being totally and completely destroyed by them was that all three of them embraced bisexuality… and two of them weren’t before all of this came to be. So humbling that I can’t begin to tell you what that felt like but also humbling in the fact that they didn’t want anyone else other than me and as evidenced when I’d put in a “plea” for some help in this department… and it got rejected out of hand and with, “What, you can’t handle all of us?”

And they all knew that to really bring out “the best” in me, all that had to do was to challenge me like this even when, yeah, any of them could take me to the limit and, well, hmm. Just having sex with two of them on a daily basis almost put me in the hospital because I was exhausted and badly so – and that was just the one-on-one sex so you might be able to imagine what it was like being in bed with both of them and dealing with the problems I knew was going to happen and trying to figure out how to deal with them so that they didn’t destroy what we were all working hard to keep very much alive… because our lives depended on it now.

The most insane thing ever. And the best thing ever. You just gotta want and learn how to make your relationship the best it can be and be willing to do whatever is necessary to accomplish this very worthy goal. Naught Nora knows. DDJennifer knows. There are others here who knows like I do. It’s not for the weak or faint at heart and I’ve seen so many try to do this while holding onto the rules of monogamy and, yeah, that’s just not going to work and one of the things I’ve seen cause failure for single people is not having what’s called “the core relationship” that serves as an anchor point. Not that single folks can’t be polyamorous or create their own poly families but what I’ve observed is that lack of “me and you” that is the foundation on which things are built upon and, well, let’s just say that it’s my opinion that polyamory – as a way to live – works best when that core relationship exists and is deemed to be strong enough to carry all this extra “weight…” and one way or another, you’re gonna learn some shit about yourself, your partner, the other people who chose to be with you in this and, oh, yeah, that the way it’s supposed to be isn’t the way it can be if, bluntly, you have what it takes to make it work for you and those who would be with you in this.

I can’t tell you what to do to make it work for you, but I can tell you what not to do and maybe I’ll go over that some other time. Go read Naughty Nora’s post and especially the part where her poly “family” – and the joy she gets from it – doesn’t necessarily have anything to do with sex… and maybe all of this stuff I wrote will… make sense.

 
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Posted by on 15 August 2022 in Today's Bisexual Thoughts

 

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Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: 28 July 22

Today’s Thoughts are a kind of two-for: Bisexuality and polyamory and how one can beget the other. I was re-reading an old post about two questions that, in my poly relationship, I got tired of hearing and trying to answer.

The first was, “Why would you do this?” and the other was, “How can I do this?” and that old post, I can see, was more about how those two questions would frustrate me more than really answering them… and I’m not trying to answer them today, either. One of the questions I learned to ask those who were looking to do this – and depending on the makeup of their proposed extended family – was, “What are y’all gonna do when the girls/guys start making love to each other?” because I had learned that bisexuality can be quite… contagious in that situation and more so when the group has sex together and the more they do, the more likely it’s going to happen.

I spent a lot of time thinking about this since I had good reason to and I’m not going to get into all of that again but I will say that at the very beginning of my poly relationship, the “logic” strongly suggested that if the three of us kept making love together, something was eventually going to happen and more so when my then-wife was bisexual. And, boy, did it ever happen! I had expected a lot of shit to hit a very big fan… and it didn’t, and I was… “pleased” with myself to have foreseen this happening but it gave me more questions than it answered, like, what is the possibility of an extended family – and regarding of the makeup of it – having bisexuality pay them a visit?

On the one hand, it doesn’t seem to be all that probable when you consider that not everyone is bisexual or even has this on their mind in any way… but in creating the bond between them – and sex is the best vehicle for this – well, let’s just say that I’ve told people about this and they didn’t quite believe me and, as a result, everything fell into disarray. I learned that you can sit and plan something like this and talk about how it’s going to work and, yeah, agree to exclude some stuff but the “mistake” I’ve seen made is such a proposed extended family believing that no same-sex stuff is ever going to happen.

It’s not a guarantee that it will but from what I’ve learned personally and from so many others who were brave enough to accept and take on this very daunting, life-altering challenge, yeah, it’s a likelihood that should be talked about so that everyone is aware so that should it happen, no one is going to really be all that surprised.

I’ve had guys say that, nah, they ain’t like that and no shit like that would ever go down and this is quite typical and, well, I’d be thinking that they didn’t know as much about having sex as they thought they did and, yup, some of them got quite the surprise just the same and the biggest surprise would often come into play because the same-sex thing wasn’t something anyone planned on happening – it just did and now it was all about adjusting to it but I would think that if you were aware of the possibility and included it – but not so much as an exclusion – if it happens, then the surprise isn’t going to be all that devastating.

Not all poly families or groups have bisexuality pay them a visit… but the potential, I think, is always there. That and I’ve seen group sex situations have… visitations and, again, not expected but that level of intimacy and being wholly in the moment can open the door and even if for that one moment, like the guy my [then] wife and I had sex with along with his girlfriend and we had set the boundaries for what was to happen but once things got heated up, most of them went out the window but with agreement but imagine my surprise when I’m sitting there watching the two women doing a number on him while sucking his dick and he suddenly grabs my dick and shoves it into his mouth and started sucking me!

Now, um, I didn’t mind that at all but I was stunned because I knew he had no interest in such a thing, yet he’s sucking me like an old pro. The other surprise was when the women turned on each other and, well, I knew my wife was bi but didn’t know about the other woman but, wow. Later and during a much-needed break, they both said that they hadn’t intended on that to happen, and I gave them major props for admitting that it just seemed to be the right thing to do and, nope, it wasn’t bad at all. Let’s say that round two got very interesting…

But I was intrigued at how this could happen without any prior intention and learned more about the power of sex and how it can influence things once inhibitions get kicked to the curb. I was of a mind that this was just something I was seeing and in the early days of our open marriage, it was something I saw happen a lot of times, both intentionally and not so much so, hmm, there must be something to this; I could have been “wrong” about that first time but what’s the possibility of my being wrong in the other times I witnessed this?

Not all that likely and I would go on to learn some stuff about this and how, in a poly setting, sex can bind and in unexpected ways so why not expect it or, really, have a lot of awareness of the possibility since should it happen, it’s going to upset the whole dynamic of the extended family. I would learn that in this setting, forget all that shit you think you know about having sex and how you prefer to because anything can happen and if you’re not prepared for it, yeah, that’s a problem, ain’t it?

It would lead me to tell anyone who would be interested in this that they’d have to unlearn everything they know about love, sex, and relationships so they can learn a totally and whole new way to go about these things. And I’ve seen quite a few potentially good extended families crash and burn and all because of something they didn’t believe would or could happen.

Those two questions. Still not going to answer them the way I should and have answered them. That first one just mystifies people because it contradicts what we believe about relationships and monogamy, but I stand by what I say in this regard: Cheating wouldn’t be the problem that it is if needs are being attended to and/or met and when they aren’t, guess what could happen and more so when monogamy leaves no room or has any recourse that isn’t the dissolution of the relationship.

And it’s not cheating if you have permission. It’s called ethical non-monogamy or, my favorite, negotiated infidelity because you best believe that a lot of negotiation takes place to get to his point. To those who got mystified by this, it’s yet again one of those “Yeah, but…” moments where the mystified can intelligently understand the reasons for this but, emotionally? Just doesn’t compute and can’t “hold water” against what we believe about things.

As to “How can I do this?” well, I’ll partially answer this one: The best way you can and good luck. Seriously. I learned how to do it via OJT and trial and a lot of errors. There is no “one way” to extend the relationship like this and you just gotta figure it out for yourselves and, as I always say, come up with a vision of what the extended relationship is going to look like and work that everyone involved can be invested in and not just be a part of or being of a mind to think “me” more than “us.”

And then leave room for a visitor who just might come a-knocking. This isn’t, um, fuck, how can I put it? This isn’t about fulfilling fantasies as much as it is most definitely a way to live that has benefits other than some pretty amazing sex. It does take a village and the more people you have working toward common goals, the better the chance to have those goals met and exceeded and to the benefit of all.

And the more you can learn about yourself and those you love who are with you in this. I maintain that doing this is way harder than being married and monogamous but, yeah, it’s worth the efforts involved and there are a lot of them that must be endured and handled to ensure that the extended family works well all across the board and, yup, even if/when bisexuality drops in to stay a while. Fighting against the possibility is, in my opinion only, a mistake because it is… disruptive to the whole of the gestalt.

Unless this is going to be formed because bisexuality in the relationship already exists, it just does not pay or do any good to deny or insist that such… shit cannot be allowed to happen because this stinks too much of how monogamy is in that it doesn’t allow for people in the relationship to change and any changes tend to be summarily rejected out of hand because, well, that’s not the way it’s supposed to be. Which also taught me to tell others that if you try doing this and hanging on to the rules of monogamy, you’re going to fail and that includes creating rules to protect the core relationship that will prove to be to0 restrictive and inhibitive and, again, will disrupt the whole dynamic and make it fail.

Okay. I’ve gotten this out of my head…

 

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Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: 20 April 22

First, Happy 420 Day for those who partakes! Cheech and Chong’s “Up In Smoke” popped into my head for a moment.

Next, I was thinking/remembering a guy everyone called Denver – and why they did was something I didn’t know since I did know he was born in the same state and city I was born in and had never been to Colorado. I saw him walking up the street and looking aimless and not paying attention as he bumped into a couple of people and as if he hadn’t seen them.

To me, he looked like someone had stolen his lunch money after his dog died. I have an eye on him as he approached where I was sitting on my steps and mostly because I’ve seen people approaching the corner, where there’s a traffic light, and just keep walking and getting hit. He got to where I was sitting and I kinda waved at him and I guess it got his attention because he kinda waved, was going past me but then stopped and came back to me.

“What’s up?” I asked him – and now I could see that he’d been crying.

“Man, shit is all fucked up,” he said.

“Sorry to hear that,” I said. I wasn’t going to ask him what was “all fucked up.”

He stood there for a moment and like he was thinking; he lit a cigarette, took a long drag, and finally said, “Lemme ask you something, bro.”

“Go ahead,” I said.

He took another drag off his smoke, cleared his throat and asked, “Man, what would you do if you found out that your woman has been sleeping with other women?”

My first thought was, “Uh-oh…” and for a couple of reasons. One was that I knew his woman and that she was, indeed, sleeping with women and the other was that I knew that she was because she had slept with my [then] wife a few times and the last time was just a couple of days ago; I very much remembered seeing her coming from upstairs with a sheepish grin on her face as I was coming inside. For me – for us – it was no big deal given that we were open.

All of this had flashed through my mind in the space of a second or two and I even had time to think about how I was going to answer him… because he was waiting for one. My choices were to “lie” and say that I’d raise all kinds of hell or to tell the truth, which was it wouldn’t bother me. The “answer clock” in my head is running and I knew I had to say something one way or the other. I made my decision.

“I’d want to know why but I wouldn’t be all that upset about it,” I said.

He blinked. Kinda shook his head like he hadn’t heard me right. He frowned and took another puff. I’m thinking that he wasn’t “happy” with my answer and give me one of those “I ain’t got time for you” waves and keep on walking but that’s not what he did. He actually gave me a look that asked if he could sit with me and I just nodded. He sighed one of the biggest and heaviest sighs I’ve ever heard someone do before saying, “I came home an hour ago and I could hear that she was in bed with somebody. Man, I was ready to kill a motherfucker, you know?”

I nodded.

“I creep up the steps and the door is wide open; I peek around the corner and, damn, I almost shit my pants to find her in a 69 with another babe!” he said. “I started to break that shit up and throw both of those bitches out on the street… but I just left because I ain’t trying to catch a charge, ya know?”

I nodded. He lit another cigarette and that gave me time to think that it’s one thing to suspect that your lady likes pussy and seriously something else to catch her in the act and like he apparently had.

“I don’t know what to do,” he said. “What would you have done?”

Yeah… I knew he was going to ask me that. I shrugged and said, “Um, I would have seen what was going on and I would have left without saying anything… but I wouldn’t have been mad about it.”

“Why the fuck not?” he asked, looking at me like I’d lost my mind.

“Because I know my lady likes pussy,” I said and shrugging like it was no biggie… because it wasn’t.

“Shit! You ever catch her?” he asked.

“No, but, yeah, I know about it,” I said. I was praying that he wouldn’t ask me if I knew if my wife had slept with his wife but quickly decided that if he did, I was going to lie like a rug. I didn’t feel good about that but it was either that or having to listen to him going off on me and my wife and, shit, I hope he doesn’t ask.

“You a better man than me,” he said and with a small laugh. “I should go home and kick her ass for cheating on me but, shit, she didn’t do it with a dude.”

I nodded my understanding of this. I knew that a lot of guys and gals felt that if they were “doing some freaky shit like that,” it wasn’t really cheating. I almost laughed aloud about that one because I knew it was still cheating but, yeah, I understood why so many said it wasn’t – but they’d still be pissed off about it anyway.

“I should be all she needs,” he grumbled, flicking his butt into the street.

“Obviously not,” I said. If looks could kill, he “killed” me like three or four times after what I said sunk into his brain.

“What the fuck, man? Why would you say some shit like that?” he blurted out and, for a moment, I thought he was going to take a swing at me.

“Just stating a fact, Den,” I said. “The mistake we make is assuming that our man or women will only need us and nothing more than that… until we find out otherwise. I didn’t say that to be busting on you or anything like that but, yeah, if your wife is getting some pussy on the side, I’d say that it is obvious that you’re not all she needs.”

“But she cheated on me!” he said.

“I understand that but, um, lemme ask you something. If she had come to you and told you about this, would you have allowed her to do what she had to do about it?” I asked.

“Hell no!” he said.

“Well, um, that’s probably why she never said anything about it you,” I said. “So, um, whatcha thinking about doing?”

“I dunno. I should divorce her ass,” he said – then he turned his head to look at me so fast that I heard his neck crack. “But that’s not what you did, did you, when your wife told you about this shit.”

“Nope. You probably won’t understand this but I had to decide which thing was better: Knowing what she was doing and who she was doing it… or not knowing and thinking that everything is A-OK. I thought about divorcing her but… I love her; I didn’t see the sense in throwing away everything we’ve built together just because she needed something that I couldn’t give her.”

“Damn…,” he said. “You definitely a better man that I am!”

“I don’t know about that but what I do know is that she’s happier,” I said. “You know, happy wife, happy life?”

“And?” he asked.

“And what?” I asked.

“What do you get out of it?” he asked.

“I get to get all the pussy I want and can get,” I said with a laugh. “No such thing as a free lunch and if it’s good for the gander, it’s good for the goose.”

“Damn…” he said. “You for real?”

“As real as a heart attack,” I said.

“So what you saying? That I shouldn’t say anything to her?” he asked.

“Nope – not even saying that,” I said. “It’s all on you to decide what to do about this but y’all been married for, what, like, seven or eight years and I know y’all got kids?”

“Yeah… and?” he asked.

“And I’m just wondering if you’re really that willing to throw it all away and if you are, well, you gotta do what you gotta do,” I said.

Denver lit yet another cigarette and just sat there for a moment before saying, “Man, I don’t know what the fuck I’m gonna do! She lied to me!”

“About what?” I asked.

“She didn’t tell me she was into women!” he said.

“Is that really a lie?” I asked. “I mean, unless you talk to her about it, uh, this could have been something that she realized after y’all met and got married and, besides, I have a problem with that lie of omission shit.”

“Lie of omission? What’s that?” he asked.

“That where people assume that you’re lying to them because of something they didn’t tell you – and you believe that they should have,” I said. “I’m thinking that if she was, ah, like this when y’all met and she told you, it would have been over with before it got started.”

“You got that shit right!” he exclaimed.

“So now you’re thinking that she lied to you because she didn’t tell you about something that – and I gotta be honest about this – a lot of people have found out the hard way that telling someone about something like this doesn’t go well so the best thing they can do is to not say anything about it. Now, does that make them a liar? I’m not sure…” I said. “Lemme ask you this – you still hitting it with her?”

“Shit yeah!” he said.

“Has it been better?” I asked.

He had to think about that one but I was pretty sure that it was better.

“Yeah, now that you mention it, she has been throwing it on me big time,” he said.

“So, um, ah, it’s not like she ain’t handling her wifely duties,” I said. “And if she is and she seems like she’s happier…”

I let the sentence trail off. On the one hand, whatever he decided to do about this wasn’t really any of my business unless my wife’s name comes up and he wants to give me some shit about it; if so, well, I’d just have to deal with it.

“So I shouldn’t say anything to her about it – is that what you’re saying?” he asked.

“No, I’m not saying that at all,” I said and vigorously shaking my head. “But, yeah, y’all need to talk about this and I hope that if y’all do, it doesn’t go as bad as I’ve seen and heard it does because you two clearly love each other and belong together.” He sat there for a moment, plucked his butt away and got to his feet.

“Thanks, man,” he said, reaching out to shake my hand. “Shit… I dunno how this shit is going to go but you said some right shit. I love her and what we have together but, damn, I dunno.”

“I hope everything turns out okay,” I said.

“Yeah, me, too – later on, man,” he said and walked back in the direction of where he lived.

I sat on the steps for a long time and thinking about this. I knew that quite a few of the local ladies who had men were getting busy with each other since, again, my wife was all up in the middle of it as well. What I knew about Denver’s wife was that she wasn’t into this before they met but, over the time they’d been together, she had felt that there was something missing in her life… and then she figured out what that was. I even knew the first woman she has slept with – it was her closest friend.

Denver, if he went about this the right way, would find out what I had found out, not only about his own wife but some of the other wives in the ‘hood… including mine. But I was okay with her getting some pussy “on the side” and I hadn’t lied to him when I said that I felt it was better that I knew what she was doing and who she was doing it with. Seriously tough pill to swallow and that was being nice about it.

As I got up to go inside, I thought that one way or the other, I’d eventually find out what happened. Either they’d come to some kind of understanding, or the word would get out that they broke up or, worse, he got locked up for beating on her.

It’s a situation that people often don’t handle very well. Being married and monogamous, well, it is what it is and the way it’s supposed to be but as I’ve said here many times, the people who invented this were blind to the fact that people change; they really do have needs that appear after the vows have been said and sworn to but those same vows imply that the new husband and wife should be all that will ever be needed…

And it doesn’t really work like that and as I had found out. And while my wife and I had found a “peaceful” and agreeable way to deal with this situation, man – I’ve seen so many relationships and marriages get totally destroyed because people faithfully believe in monogamy… which is fine, but such a firm belief also tends to blind them to the fact that people change; needs change. Monogamy just doesn’t allow for this, and I even remember reading some stuff where experts are saying that we – humans – aren’t meant to be monogamous and being this way is unnatural.

I tend to agree with the assessment; I have known for the longest time that married people are bound by the rules of monogamy… and so are people who are in a relationship and not married. I learned a long time ago what happens to bisexuals who aren’t allowed to be bisexual and, yes, a lot of very serious depression happens to them and there’s no telling what they’re going to do at that point but one thing they might to is to go for what they know because it’s better to beg forgiveness than to ask permission and, yeah, chances are good that they won’t be forgiven and asking for permission is a no-go kind of thing because it’s not that hard to figure out and/or assume that the answer is not only going to be no, it’ll be “Oh, fuck no!”

It’s a sad situation and that’s being nice about it. The good thing is that a lot of people are finding out that being able to take care of those “extra” needs and without reprisal is a lot better than taking a perfectly good relationship and throwing it all away. We get married and “for better or worse” and what causes the big problem is figuring out how to handle shit when it does get worse… like it did for Denver to come home, hear his wife having sex, and seeing that she was with another woman. Nothing prepares you for this… because it’s not supposed to happen. It gets… confusing because, yep, some sundering has taken place but instead of ruining everything, things get better.

It’s seriously messy. I know what it feels like to be a firm believer in monogamy and then find out that it doesn’t have a damned thing to do with people needed to be… themselves. I had had to remember what my mother had told me the day I told her I was getting married: Your marriage is only going to be as good as the two of you are willing to make it.”

Well, as always, she was right about that, and our solution was unorthodox in that we went in a direction that wasn’t getting a divorce and it wasn’t us fussing and fighting over the matter. As a guy, shit – it is one very well-placed and very hard kick in the balls to find out that you’re really not all she needs in order to be okay with herself and more so when you know that you can’t give her what she needs… because you’re literally not equipped to provide it.

I’m writing this and I can still feel the emotional hurt and pain I experienced. Many in this situation will say that they have no choice but to break up… and the reality is that it’s not the only choice but I’ve seen couples make the same decision my wife and I had made… and just fuck it up and wind up breaking up anyway because it is a busload of bitches trying to figure out how to do something that the rules of monogamy says you cannot do – and you’d better not do it.

What happened with Denver and his wife? One night, I go to answer the door… and there’s Denver and his wife, “Lisa,” and I just knew that they weren’t just dropping by to say hi and maybe play Spades. I invited them in, got my wife – and I got the impression that she knew something was “up” and I did see her and Lisa exchange… a look.

Denver says that they were there to talk to us about how we made it work for us to have sex with other people and it does not wind up being an even bigger problem. Yeah, Denver “got in my case” because I didn’t tell him that our wives were getting it on with each other and I had no excuse for not telling him but, yeah, I knew. He waved it off and said that if he had been in my shoes at the time, he probably wouldn’t have said anything either.

The four of us sat for hours talking about this. They had arrived around 7:30 and didn’t leave until 4:00 the next morning. The two of them “grilled us unmercifully” about what we did to make this not be a problem and while it was “easy” to tell them how we had decided to go about this, well, it wasn’t that easy to explain some things that, again, monogamy doesn’t allow for but I thought that the two of us did a good job of explaining to them that, if nothing else, we were responsible for each other’s happiness and if we weren’t willing to do whatever was necessary to make this happen then, yeah, it’s time to get lawyers involved.

And we weren’t feeling that at all. Here’s the “good” part. Denver and I are talking about things on the “guy side” of this deal and it had taken me a moment to realize that our wives weren’t there with us… and another moment to figure out and realize where they were and what they were doing. I got… stuck between not mentioning their absence and mentioning it but he noticed it.

“Do I wanna know where they are and what they’re doing?” he asked.

“Probably not,” I had said.

“This is weird sitting here talking and they’re, um, they’re…” he trailed off.

“I guess they figured that they didn’t need to be sitting here while we were hashing things out and, besides, we’ve been talking a lot about having sex and, well…” I had also trailed off.

“You were right about one thing,” he said. “It is better knowing what she’s doing and who she’s doing it with… but it sure the fuck is weird as shit. Do you ever get over that feeling?”

“Yeah, you do,” I said. “It’s… difficult because you love the shit out of your wife and you always and only want the best for her and want to provide whatever’s going to make and keep her happy… but you don’t see this coming and then you do. I mean, which thing is easier: Getting a divorce or trying to find a way to stay together? It’s not an easy decision to make and, yeah, it can fuck with your head knowing she’s with another woman.”

“Um, um, have you seen your lady with another woman?” he asked.

“Yeah, I have and, wow – it’s… something to see,” I said. “And before you ask, yes – I have been invited to join in and sometimes we get down with other couples and whatever happens, happens. It’s all good, well, it’s been good for us.”

“Damn,” he said. “This is a lot of shit to take in.”

“You ain’t said nothing,” I said.

“So we just sit here?” he asked.

“Yeah, unless you wanna get cussed out,” I said. “If they need us, they’ll call us.”

They didn’t need us. They came back down and appeared to be quite happy. We kept talking – and Denver was very keen to hear the very juicy details and, overall, I thought it was good that he could hear this from his wife and if he was upset about anything, it was probably because his dick was hard and bothering him… and I was feeling the same way, to be honest.

They finally went home with an agreement under their belts. We’d have a foursome with them a short time later and that was after we had another very long talk about that. I would wind up moving out of that neighborhood and we kinda lost touch with them… but I would run into him many years later and learned that he and Lisa were still married, and things were still going well.

Sometimes, the thing you’re not supposed to do is the thing that you should do and more so if you really and truly love the person you’re with and as much as you say you do and you’re about doing whatever it might take to keep the relationship working. It’s just not that easy to take everything you’ve ever known about love, sex, and relationships and get rid of it so you can learn a very different way to go about these things. Some people find that they can do it and make it work…

And some just can’t.

 
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Posted by on 20 April 2022 in Today's Bisexual Thoughts

 

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Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: 20 March 22

I was kinda/sorta “prepared” to talk about the emotional side of my bisexuality until I checked the forum for anything new and/or interesting and saw a “reminder” of the worst thing that a bisexual can experience:

Being bi and in a relationship. It doesn’t matter if the bisexual was bisexual before the fact or, as can happen, discovered it after the relationship has been up and running for “a while.” As an aside, when I say “discover/discovered,” it means that they either found reason to straddle the sexuality fence or they decided to figure out their thoughts and feelings and/or act on them – just had to finally clear that one up a bit. To continue, I can’t think of a worse situation and while a lot of the bullshit surrounding bisexuality can be dealt with, because of morality and social norms, we have yet been able to set aside monogamy as an inviolate standard for anyone who’s in a relationship: The rules, it seems, also applies to anyone in a relationship but not married or engaged.

“Keeping only unto yourself” is a motherfucker because it doesn’t leave any room for… things to change. When you tack on the taboo and sin of not being heterosexual, it becomes a perfect storm that has proven to fuck up many a relationship and sexuality isn’t solely responsible. You vow or otherwise agree to take care of each other for better or worse and all that and, realistically, when we’re in a relationship, we should be in it for better or worse but, yeah, we don’t do that all that well and as indicated by the fact that the United States has the highest divorce rates in the whole damned world and who knows how many relationships not involving marriage wind up being dissolved because we don’t want to deal with the “worse” part of things… which could include infidelity.

We are… inherently insane. We hold seriously true that infidelity should never, ever enter into a relationship but we know that it can; I know a lot of people who enter into a relationship and one of their primary concerns is being cheated on and stating the necessity of guarding against it and some of the stuff I’ve heard some folks say about what would happen if they got cheated on has given me chills to bear witness to how utterly vicious they say they’re going to be to the one who dared to cheat on them.

I’ve said it before and I will keep saying it: If you don’t take care of your man/woman, someone else can and will. People cheat when they have needs that are being ignored or otherwise not taken care of and they can usually both be emotional and physical. I’ve asked this before: If you’re not going to have sex with me, who’s supposed to?”

And the moral answer is, “No one.” And there you have it, the one glaring and major flaw in our beliefs because you don’t have to be married to figure and find out that it is virtually impossible for one person to take care of every need a person has both now and in the unforeseeable future. I think about the many times I’ve seen stuff written about cheating and a lot of it makes me roll my eyes and wonder – and sometimes ask – if they’re really that clueless and so much removed from reality that taking care of your man/woman – or else – is and has been a part and bane of our existence. It’s wrong and we infer in many ways that it cannot and should not ever happen but at some point, needs are going to be ignored and not taken care of because, well, we’re just fucked up like that and more concerned with our own asses than the ass of the person we’re supposed to take care of in all things and no matter when such care is called for.

I’ve seen the questions asked about what to do if someone cheats and how to prevent cheating from happening. I remember the first time I heard this question and I set my mind to working on it because a lot of people are of a mind that there’s nothing they can do about it when, after years of thinking about it and “collecting data,” I found that there is something that can be done about it:

Remove all of the things that can allow cheating to happen and even if doing that calls for the inclusion of, ah, external sources. Uh-oh. That one is 100% against the rule of “let no one put asunder,” right? Except, if/when some sundering happens, it first begins at home and with what someone isn’t going to do. See, the tenets of monogamy tends to look outward but never inward and, I think that despite the “better or worse” clause, infidelity begins at home and, again, when someone’s needs are being ignored or not being met as needed.

Most people “put up” with this… because it’s implied that they’re supposed to. You get into some shit about two differing points of view about how the relationship is supposed to go and there’s always that one person in the relationship who will do whatever they have to do to make sure that the relationship is run the way they think, believe, and wants it to run and this, too, is a problem that we’ve not yet figured out what to do about. I have heard both men and women say that whoever they’re with should not ever need anyone but them and we believe this… but the reality always begs to differ.

I’ve said many times before that I’ve had to tell women, “Baby, I love you and I love having sex with you but when I have that need to suck a dick, you don’t have one.” I have been told to get rid of that need and that I’m not supposed to have it… yet, I do and have had it way before I knew they existed; I’ve tried to explain that this is as much a part of me as breathing is and while I can do nothing about it, the need remains and I know myself in that the longer the need goes unattended to, the more a lot of things change about me that I don’t like… and you’re probably not going to like them, either.

Being bisexual and in a relationship is the bitch to end all motherfuckers. It is a need that one has or finds themselves having (and for various reasons) that leaves the bisexual in question in a very bad position and with few choices and the one choice they’re supposed to accept – without exception or excuse – is to suffer with that need not being taken care of or otherwise addressed. I have seen the nicest people you’d ever want to meet devolve into very bitter and miserable people who, yes, are often severely depressed because the rules of monogamy, both real and implied, gives no one any recourse in these things but there is something they can do:

Cheat. I think that there a lot of people who don’t know or consider that if their partner cheats on them, it’s because their partner feels that they have no other choice because continuing to go on with whatever else they need being ignored, rejected, and not addressed or taken care of now becomes a matter of their survival. No, they’re not going to “drop dead” behind this but it can be such a clusterfuck inside their head that it can become a matter of self-preservation for them.

This doesn’t include those people who get into a relationship, knows the rules and all that, but decide that they have the right to do whatever they want to do and fuck the rules and the other person’s sensibilities. A lot of people find out the hard way that they can’t be monogamous… even when they know that they have to be and they really want to be… but it just ain’t working for them. Indeed, a lot of experts in this are now saying that it is abnormal for us to be monogamous and they point back to a time before our morality existed and when mates were interchanged as needed because, well, it was part of them being able to survive and very much inline with our being social animals.

The rules had a damned good reason to make people monogamous: The continued survival of the species. The rules, however, never accounted for… change and people do change and, really, there’s not a whole lot that can be done about that other than to insist, demand, imply, or whatever descriptor you want to use that if you’re in a relationship, this is all you’re ever going to get and if you don’t get it, well, it sucks to be you and now the only recourse you have is to dissolve the relationship and start over again.

We do this. Many times in our life. Nothing really unusual about that except when infidelity becomes the reasons why so many relationships have met an untimely demise when, um, it didn’t have to be that way and more so when the relationship was going well… right up until needs started falling into a lot of cracks. Now, it’s not like we don’t know the “workaround” to this situation because we do… but it’s not allowed. Ever. So we learn that when you leave someone to their own devices, there’s no telling what they’re going to do and cheating can be the lesser devil; sadly, I’ve know and have heard of many people stuck in this man-made quandary that has suffered “domestic abuses” up to and including having their life taken from them.

And you have to ask yourself if any of this makes any damned good sense. It doesn’t. It shouldn’t. We enter into relationships with a huge list of things we’re not going to do for ourselves or anyone else and no matter how much we love or care for the person we’re with. We are very damned good at letting past failures dictate how our future actions will be or, in this situation, not so much. The moment and instant you decide that you’re not going to do (add something here) that your partner needs, you have implemented the sundering that you weren’t supposed to. But we tend to blame the one who has the needs more than we blame ourselves for “having reason” to not take care of their need.

Taking care of your man/woman isn’t just about any sexual needs they have – it’s their emotional needs, too. I’ve seen men, mostly and usually, deny their woman the right to better herself and that’s just as stupid and insolent as anything I can think of. If girlfriend has a need to, say, be better educated so that she can get onto the career path we’re all supposed to pursue – but homey tells her that she doesn’t need to do this or some other dumb shit along these lines – you’d think that he’d be concerned about how this denial is going to impact her but, sadly, that’s not the case so much. Men aren’t the only ones who can be guilty of such abject stupidity but, as we all tend to see and learn, a relationship isn’t so much about us as it is about me. What I want. What I need. What I’m not going to do. What I’m not going to allow, deal with, whatever.

It’s a problem that’s really outside sexuality. Bisexuals have major issues with it and just like everyone else can have: The rules do not allow any recourse in this other than to dissolve the relationship. Then you get into individual sensibilities, that belief that no one should do anything that resembles homosexuality, nor should they have any such feelings which, methinks, is humanly impossible. And while this belief makes it “sensible” to pitch a bitch (and then some) to find that their partner has some homosexual needs – and needs that will be summarily rejected out of hand – well, um, what do you think some people are going to do since this is a part of their self-preservation instincts – and even though it tend to take the form of making the decision to take this matter into one’s own hands because they have no other viable choice… and the one choice that is viable is considered to be immoral.

Open the relationship. Consensual nonmonogamy, negotiated infidelity, or whatever you wanna call it. The problem here is that, uh, we don’t know how to do this or we think we don’t. This gets complicated and in the situations where it’s known that people have tried this, it is always pointed out that they failed in some way and we just assume that it can never work… but many of us assume this because (1) this ain’t how shit is supposed to be and (2) we don’t want it to work. Well, unless we’re the ones who very much need it to work. When a relationship gets to the “how can we spice things up” phase, we go out of our way to spice things up without anyone else being involved but there’s a “wall” to spicing things up and it can become “obvious” that in order to continue being spicy, breaching that wall, logically, makes sense but, there’s the rules and our belief in those rules is an emotional artifact and so many people learn that logic tends to fail against emotional resistance. You can “argue” logic-based fact but you can’t do shit about someone’s emotions; you can’t “argue” about them (but we sure as fuck try to) because this is how they feel about what they believe and while not being so monogamous can make sense, it also doesn’t.

You don’t take care of your partner’s needs, guess what might happen? Either you’re going to wind up with someone who would be better off having a house dropped on them… or they’re going to cheat on you. We assume and insist that it’s the cheater’s fault when, in most situations that I know of, it’s the other person’s fault and all because of what they believe and what they’re not going to do for any reasons and they sure ain’t going to do something for the sake of love itself.

It’s a universal problem but bisexuals feel that they own this… and that’s not the truth of things. It sucks and that’s not even being nice about it. It feels 500% shitty to want something and you know that your partner is not going to allow you to have it and even worse when they insist that you don’t need it and you shouldn’t need anything that they’re not willing to provide and if you insist that you do, well, don’t let the doorknob hit you in the ass on your way out.

A lot of good relationships get trashed and thrown away behind the strict adherence to a rule that, logically, doesn’t make a damned bit of sense. Then toss in our inherent fear of loss and rejection and, well, “messy” doesn’t even being to describe things. It stops being about us and becomes 100% about me. What I don’t like. What I don’t believe in. What I’m not going to do even if it has to be done to save your partner’s life in some way and, hopefully, not literally.

“What would you do if you found out that your woman was sleeping with other women?”

I’ve been asked this question hypothetically and, sometimes, because the person asking the question is trying to figure out what he should do because he suspects that this is what his lady’s been up to. My answer – and, believe me, I learned it the hard way and as many tend to do – is, “I wouldn’t do anything other than to find out what’s going on with her about this and then encourage her to do whatever she needs to do. “Happy wife, happy life” has a lot of deeper meanings that we kinda/sorta ignore because what we don’t know is what is going to make her happy at any given moment in time… and that includes her doing something that she was doing before we got all hooked up with each other.”

I know the rules. I once believed in them. And now I don’t. Sure, I might lose her to someone else but that was a risk that was always on the table and trying to prevent such a loss tends to make the situation worse than her getting some dick or coochie or both “on the side.” There’s a different set of rules for this that including preserving the relationship and some people create rules that often create even more problems because they never account for the fact that something might change and, well, to that end, a relationship “converted” to this way can be no better than being stuck with abiding by the rules of monogamy.

But, if it works – and the relationship remains intact and is working better than it was before, well, that works. It’s just that, man, some very serious shit has to be undertaking and gone through to resolve such things and, yeah, to keep one’s partner from cheating on them. In this, I think the worst part about cheating isn’t that they’re cheating – it’s not knowing what they’re up to whenever they’re not with you… and I’m not going to get into what some folks call emotional infidelity or, biblically, one of the Ten Commandments about not coveting thy neighbor’s wife nor his ass – that means the animal, not the body part. The gist of it is that you cannot and should not ever want anything other than what you already have… or don’t and the part of things that makes infidelity an implied sin.

And the messiness just gets worse. We have not done a damned thing to fix this error in our social contract and norms… but some people – and because they’re left to their own devices – find a way to fix it themselves. Hey, you know, there’s a way we can “cheat” but it’s not really cheating! Well, um, it is but that’s not the point because we do very much honor what consenting adults decide to do, right? So if “Paul and Sandra” decide that it will benefit them and their relationship to have certain needs taken care of by outside sources, well, let’s see how it can work because, in a lot of relationships, it needs to work or the relationship becomes forfeit, null and void.

It’s a flaw in the “better or worse” thing that a lot of people are finding that they can take advantage of since, if they can make it work, it avoids or heads off the “worse” part of that statement in the vows that, um, some folks try to get around by writing their own vows but, in fact, everyone who enters into a relationship is being held accountable to obey and no matter what happens after vowing or agreeing to be a couple.

The problem isn’t bisexuality… or any other aspect of sexuality: It’s us holding on to some beliefs that leaves no room or gives no recourse in the very human thing of things changing with us. It makes anyone who gets into a relationship static or, yeah, stuck and/or chained in place for the duration and humans don’t do well being static because we are dynamic critters that have the ability to adapt to change even though we kinda don’t like change all that much but being in a relationship puts a stop to being dynamic in one’s thoughts and actions and with a singular intent that’s supposed to work… and it doesn’t so much. Not for “everyone” and as is implied if not mandated.

Until society as a whole decides to modify or rewrite the social contract that creates this problem, it will always be a problem for anyone who has a need and one that the rules will not ever allow to be taken care of by a partner and when that doesn’t happen, guess what might and usually happens?

 
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Posted by on 20 March 2022 in Today's Bisexual Thoughts

 

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Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: 17 March 22

First, a Happy Saint Patrick’s Day to those who celebrate it!

Today’s Thoughts are twofold. The first one was a memory of sitting in my eighth-grade geometry class and our teacher calling the role and putting an “O'” before everyone’s last name and declaring that today, we were all Irish, which first confused us, then had all of us laughing. He said, “May the luck of the Irish be with all of you today!”

Then hit us with a surprise test that everybody failed except five of us who passed it (including me and reminding me how much I despised math) and since the majority of the class did poorly, we had to sit through a headache-producing review of the lesson the test was based upon. Not the best Saint Patrick’s Day I can remember.

The second one was all about my gay boyfriend who was obviously and proudly Irish. Even though he was born here, he spoke Gaelic like an Irish native (and probably because of the grandmother who raised him) and had tried to teach it to me and, uh, that didn’t go well but it meant so much for him to offer to teach it to me.

We awoke on Saint Patrick’s Day and he had announced that he had taken the day off from work as the wife and kids got ready to go about their day, leaving me home alone with him and as I sat and pondered where I could go to find a job that wasn’t a temporary one, he took it upon himself to show me how lucky he was on this day to be Irish… and so madly in love with me.

At that point in my life, I’d slept with a lot of men and it wasn’t that “all of them” were slouches or all nervous in the service but none of them could hold a candle to my boyfriend when it came to being sexual and so responsive. He was an amazing human being and an even more amazing lover; he was a cocksucking fiend and to the point and extent that he made me look like I didn’t like doing it and fucking him, wow – when I say that being in him was better than a lot of pussies I’d been in, I’m not exaggerating and there haven’t been that many men I can say that about.

It was a whirlwind of passion and sex and it began the moment I walked into the living room to get something and literally got tackled to the floor so he could get his mouth on me. It happened so fast that I don’t remember “losing” my underwear and I would later think that it was a good thing that I hadn’t gotten completely dressed because when I would have a moment to look for my underwear, they had gotten destroyed.

Hmm. I’ve written before about him and how emotional he was during sex but this day, he wasn’t as emotional as I’d come to expect. More passionate. A sense of urgency combined with a focus so intense that I was wondering if there was something wrong with him. Normally and when we had sex, made love, or just flat out fucked, he was the happiest with me having my way with him but that day? He was having his way with me. In the space of maybe two hours – and don’t quote me on the time because I could have been way off – he sucked me and rode me so many times that all I could do was lie there and let him do whatever he felt like doing while my beleaguered mind was trying to figure out how he was able to make me cum, keep me hard, and do something else to make me cum somewhere in him.

At one point, I had wondered if he had slipped something into my coffee that would account for it but he categorically denied doing something so “underhanded” and I believed him… kinda but the assault on my senses pretty much stuck my ability to think in neutral for the duration.

From time to time, he’d stop ravishing me to tell me how much he loved me and how lucky he was to have found me and blessed that I hadn’t rejected him or his feelings for me. “Being Irish is a good thing, my love!” he proclaimed as he sat astride me for the second or third time and working his ass on my dick and with, again, an intense focus that was starting to bother me because I’d never seen him like this before. While I was kinda/sorta used to seeing him cry copious tears of joy when we had sex, he didn’t shed a single tear this day but it wouldn’t be until I got my first “bathroom break” and got my head somewhat cleared that I would notice that he wasn’t displaying his happiness “as usual.”

Man, he did a number or three or four on me. He would alternate between “taking me” fast and hard and slow and easy. I would realize later in the day that he kept taking me the way he did because he knew that if he had let me off of my back, the table would have turned and he confirmed that there had been method to his madness and admitted that he wouldn’t have been able to do what he had wanted to do. I couldn’t be angry with him although I did let him know that if he had decided to take all of this to his room, um, that would have been better than me lying on the hard-assed floor that the thin carpeting didn’t do much to make any less hard.

Later – and when he’d finally run out of whatever “gas” was driving him – I felt bad having to attend to the rug burns he’d gotten and especially on his knees, which looked like someone had taken a cheese grater to them. “It was worth it,” he said as I busied myself cleaning his “self-inflicted” wounds.

At my first bathroom break, gods – I was a mess. I was covered with his cum and from him riding me and, honestly, I was impressed that he could cum when I fucked him to begin with and even more impressed with the amount of cum he’d wound up shooting all over me as he rode me as if his very life depended on it. I was… miffed because I would have preferred to have his cum in my belly but I was told – and in no uncertain terms – that on this day of Irish luck, I wasn’t going to be lucky to suck his cock at all. Indeed, I let him pin my arms to the floor – I could have easily broken free and he knew that I could – but as the ravishing got going – and I had a few clear seconds of thought – I didn’t know what the hell had gotten into him but, okay, if this is what was going to make him happy…

Yeah, I made the “mistake” later and during my second bathroom break of mentioning that I didn’t know what had gotten into him and he said, “You did, silly!”

I felt… helpless but not really. Being in love with him was… weird in that all I wanted to do was whatever it was that would make him happy but still trying to suss out exactly what that looked like other than the two of us being naked and going for it like wild animals. He had once said, “Just be you; be the man I fell in love with at first sight…” except on this Saint Patrick’s Day, I wasn’t “being me” so much as he took the measure of me and pushed me into a space that was unbelievable then and now.

At one point, I was worried about being hard for as long as he had been doing (and not counting the two times I was “allowed” to go the bathroom) and as he was sucking me – again – I was thinking about what a doctor had told me about how they fixed this very serious problem and even showed me the needle that would be used. Brrr. I didn’t wind up with priapism, thank goodness, but he just had some kind of “magic” going on that when I’d cum, I wouldn’t get all that soft before he’d start working on making me cum again.

It was good. It was scary, too, because I couldn’t figure out where “this guy” had come from. He was always passionate and, again, he loved sucking me off and having me inside of him but this was different. He wasn’t aggressive but more… assertive? than I had seen at this point in our relationship and a hell of a lot more intense, too. He’d be atop me and he’d look at me with those very pretty green eyes and say, “I love so you much…” time and time again.

I’d lost track of time. I can’t tell you how many times I came in his mouth and ass (or, again, how he even managed that trick to begin with). I had realized at one point that when I first went to the bathroom, I could have just gone into his room, climbed into bed, and wait for him but I’d go and retake my place on the floor and he’d begin again. His stamina amazed me. Shit, I was duly impressed with how much cum he was shooting and the science nerd in my head insisted that what I was seeing was impossible but because it obviously wasn’t, the science nerd just shut the fuck up and “sat” with the rest of my ability to think as he kept having his way with me until, suddenly and while once again riding me, he collapsed onto me… and started snoring.

His body was fever hot and as my brain came back online, I noticed that he was no longer sweating and I became very concerned that he was now seriously dehydrated. I got him off of me, checked his pulse and expected to find it racing like the wind… and it wasn’t. I stumbled my way to the bathroom to wet a washcloth with cold water and as I gently – and lovingly – wiped his face with it, he opened his eyes and said, “Hi, lover. God, I love you so much! Shit, my knees hurt!”

Once I was convinced that he was really okay and had tended to his rug burns, oh, yeah – we talked about it because I wanted to know what the hell had gotten into him other than me and how he managed the magic trick he laid on me to keep me hard and cumming over and over. I put it all out there for him to answer and he just smiled and said, “It was the power of my love for you. All of it. Well, except the luck of the Irish that brought you into my life.”

Wait… what kind of answer was that? And, you know what? I didn’t say anything about his non-answer. I blinked. I felt the power of his words and his love for me. I kissed him, told him that I loved him and got in my bed and went immediately to sleep. Upon awakening, god, he “infuriated” me because he was acting like all that had occurred never happened or. to be more accurate, he kept telling me that he didn’t know what I was talking about; nothing “unusual” happened because all we did was have sex, make love, and fucked and it was the best ever so what did I find so unusual about that?

I left it alone. Every time I thought to push the issues that were swarming my mind, he’d just smile at me and “dazzle” me with his green eyes and, again, act like he had no idea what I was talking or even thinking about. I still don’t know what went on with him that day, let alone the “magic tricks” he pulled that had the two of us, combined, spilling a whole lot of sperm.

I’d later talk to my wife about it and, I guess, looking for some sympathy or an explanation or whatever. She listened, would nod every now and then and when I finally ran out of things to say, all she said was, “Well, he obviously loves you, huh?” and said nothing else. I left that alone, too; obviously, I needed answers that I wasn’t going to get. Did I know that he loved me? I did. I could feel his love for me like a comfortable blanket and even intertwined with the love I had for my wife.

Could I explain what happened earlier in the day? Hell, no I couldn’t. I still can’t. Was it some Irish “magic” borne of the day? Fuck if I knew – maybe. The next day? He was back to his usual self when we had sex including him happily crying. I never saw “that side” of him again and, yeah, it just irked me because he had nothing to say about it. He’d shrug. Or just smile. ARRGH!

My wife put it all to bed by saying, “Sometimes, honey, if there’s an answer to something, you don’t need to know it; just accept it for whatever it was and leave it the hell alone.”

So I did. He was, hands down, the best male lover I’ve ever had. I had to come to grip with him being, in today’s terms, a submissive bottom; he didn’t just want to be “the girl” in our relationship – he was the girl and, often, annoyingly so. The sex we would have was… stellar but what being in love with him taught me outshone the passion and raw lust we’d both display with each other.

Ya know, you get used to how a woman can love you; how she can be affectionate with you and, yeah, how she can get on your last good nerve at times. I can admit to myself that despite all of my prior experiences with guys, none of them had prepared me to deal with him emotionally or physically. Did I know effeminate gay guys? I did but knowing them also hadn’t prepared me to deal with him and his very powerful love for me. Yeah, it had exposed some flaws in me that I hadn’t known existed and flaws that being so very much in love with him got rid of while making me seriously question what I thought I knew.

It just fucked me up having to learn how to take what it’s like to be in love with a woman and “applying it” to being in love with a man. I’d get un-fucked but that’s not the point as much as what the power of love can bring to the table and that love is unconditional and driven by “normal” manly lust and, shit, yeah, he was seriously lusty. I’d sometimes watch him blow me and he would be so focused on it; so very much into it and, yeah, so happy that I had to get used to him blowing me and crying at the same time. It hadn’t “made sense” but I hadn’t known or understood just how happy someone could be and how much joy could be felt. I knew that about myself as a cocksucker but he “took me to school” on that one and, indeed, changed the way I go about sucking dick.

He could bring out a level of passion and lust that I learned I was keeping in check. He made me want to screw him and maybe you know what I mean by that. Whether it was “low and slow” or “fast and hard,” I would feel… compelled to screw him and, sometimes, even when I didn’t “feel” like it. His eyes. His smile. The way he moved. I could do one of his “numbers” and just pounce on him and get my dick into him and he loved it. I would feel bad about taking him like that and on top of not understanding why I wanted to when, before I laid eyes on him, I wasn’t even thinking about having sex with him. He never “complained” about it. He reveled in it and in way that it took me decades to be able to understand and, nope, can’t even explain it but I know it and still feel it in my heart and soul.

He’d sometimes say, “Ooh, look at you being the man I love!” and I admit that it took me some time to figure out what he meant by that but all I had to do was think about how he responded to me screwing him and, yeah, he taught me that if you’re going to enjoy being screwed, enjoy the fuck out of it – and he most certainly did. I understood him… and I didn’t. He was way outside of my experiences with men but, oddly, when I’d think about the girl he was, he made perfectly good sense but, yeah, it’s hard to think of a guy who does guy things like shave and all that in terms that apply to women but I found that I could. I’d see the man that he was… and the girl that he was, too. My wife would laugh her ass off at me whenever I tried to make sense of this and like I really didn’t know what was going on and I wasn’t sure that I really did at times.

It wasn’t about him being a very effeminate gay man; it was about him being… him. His ability to let his love show unfettered. We’d just be sitting and talking or whatever and he’d say, “I love the way you love me…” and if I weren’t already baffled over the fact that I was in love with him, well, saying this didn’t “help” matters because I couldn’t get my head around how I loved him, you know, other than having mad crazy sex with him. I had asked him about that and he just said, “It’s you being you and I love the you that you are.”

Yep, that was helpful, wasn’t it? I think back to that Saint Patrick’s Day that took place so very long ago now and can see how deep his love for me really went. The lust, well, it was always there but what happened that day, and no matter how strange it was to me, wasn’t about lust. It was about love. Raw and pure and to the extent that I saw him a way I’d never seen before and, yes, it scared me. Okay, sure – I’d had guys just take me like they owned me but this? This was different and in ways I still can’t put into words other than to keep saying that he was so intense and focused showing me how much he really and truly loved me. Yeah, they say that you shouldn’t use sex to prove that you love someone but that’s what he did that day and it took me a long time to figure that out.

He changed my perceptions about being in love, too. It wasn’t impossible to fall in love with a guy and because it was possible, it wasn’t really about being bi or gay or however one identifies in these things: It was 100% about being in love with someone because they were who they were. Not “what are you gonna do for me?” or anything like that; that day, it was him showing me, “This is how much I love you…” and wow. Did he ever! It just bugged the shit out of me that he was so… blaze about it. LIke it was no big deal even though it was, at the time, the biggest deal in my life.

Here’s the thing. It would be a whole lot of years before I’d come across a woman who not only made me feel the same way he did, but who loved me unconditionally and despite the fact that we were both very married. The day we consummated our love and very forbidden relationship? I made love to her for five straight hours and my dick stayed hard the whole time. Something about her made me want to keep making love to her even when I was aware that I had pushed her past her limits and to the point where she told me that she couldn’t take anymore – and I was still hard and ready to keep right on giving her more. God, I loved her so much and I still do but, later that day and as I sat and wondered what the fuck just happened, it clicked in my head that what the two of us had done wasn’t all that different from a long-past Saint Patrick’s Day spent with a man who I also love so very much… and his love for me eclipsed the love I had for him.

The moment I realized it, all I could was say to myself, “Huh.” I got it. Sure, it was lust and all of that but lust that was driven by the full power that love can bring to the table. When I talked to her later, she had said, “If I had any doubts about whether you really loved me or not, you most certainly put them to bed! Telling me wasn’t enough and you had to prove it to me and, by God, you did. I still hate the way you make me feel…”

It’s something that anyone can experience if they’re open to experiencing it but as a bisexual, I got a “double dose” of what it means to be in love with someone and being loved by them. Not specific stuff like having mad crazy sex or doing other things but feeling the power of love inside of you like the thunderstorm to end all thunderstorms. Loving for real. I found out about that by being in love with an amazing guy; then got reminded and re-schooled with a woman. It’s not about what love is supposed to be like; it’s about… love just is. It’s like, shit, how can I explain it… it’s like that first time you fall in love with someone… but it never wears off or gets dulled or blunted by anything. Every day is like that very first day. There’s no need to say, “I love you!” and you don’t need to be told that they love you because you damned well know it; you feel it. It’s as much a part of you as an arm or a leg is.

That day, I felt the power of his love and through the incredible sex we had, I saw him. I felt him deep within me and I still do even as I’m writing this. There’s “I love you” and then there’s “I love you” and, yeah, it’s different. Powerful. Without question or doubt. Truly unconditional. Holy shit. I never really thought or believed that I would feel love like this then I did. Felt it again, too, and to that end, I consider myself to – wait for it – be lucky to have experienced love that strong and powerful.

Now, you might wonder if I felt… weird about loving him and my wife… and I didn’t. I loved them both even as I was learning to understand that I did so “differently” but that was because they were different people… but love was the constant. It just was… and it took falling in love with a man – and being surprisingly ravished by him – for me to be able to understand it the way I do. It’s loving without being “afraid” to love; it’s forgetting all of the times someone crushed the shit out of your heart and soul because the power of the love being experienced just makes you forget those awful moments. You’re either going to be “all in” or you’re going to be… reserved. Guarded. Thinking about all of those time when you dared to love and got burned, crushed, and just thrown away. Letting those moments make you afraid to love or to love with conditions attached.

Putting you in that frame of mind that makes you say or thing, “I love you…” but there’s an unspoken “but” attached and whatever that happens to be. It is insane to experience love like this and finding out that there’s no “making sense” of it and I often think that if I weren’t bisexual, I would have never experience it the way I did with both a man and a woman… but first with a man who was, by his own admission, “all girl.”

Amazing. Unforgettable. I understand how and why we can love someone and in whatever way or “reason” we do; I understand how love can wind up being diminished, blunted, and even subdued because we just have reason to protect ourselves against those moments when love turns into something other than what we want, think, feel, or need it to be. And then, there’s being exposed to love in a way that just stays with you for the rest of your days. Unfettered. Unconditional. And, yes, unashamedly lusty as all get out. Sex, as it turns out, is the “best” way that love uses to speak to us but, yeah, we want proof of love without sex and if there really is a way to prove it, I’ve never learned what that might be and, no, “the little things” don’t always lend itself to proof of love and that’s something I think we all find out.

There’s love the way we think it’s supposed to be for us… and then there’s love that defies all of that and just changes the way you think and feel about it… and it can be pretty scary, to be honest about it. I’ve experienced it and it still scares me but in a very good way.

 
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Posted by on 17 March 2022 in Today's Bisexual Thoughts

 

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Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: Are Bisexuals Likely to be Polyamorous?

Well, yeah, given the nature of being bisexual. It’s one of those almost “duh” kind of things where one can reasonably assume that if you can have sex with anyone – male or female – you can be in some kind of relationship with either or both. What makes it not that much of a “duh” thing is how people think about sex and relationships and men, in particular, tend to be more about the sex than a committed type of relationship when hanging out on the other side of the fence. But it has to be mentioned that a lot of guys are looking for an FWB with or without exclusivity.

Polyamory – and like bisexuality – isn’t just a thing to do: It’s a way to be. It’s a feeling that one can have that tells them that loving one person is all well and good but being able to love more than one person is what they’re capable of – I’m not sure I can really explain it all that well and when I say being able to love more than one person, that includes pretty much everything that being in love with someone comes with. Of course, the rub comes into play because we barely know how to have a loving relationship with one person and being in a loving relationship with multiple people will most certainly put one to the test and in a great many ways.

To say it gets complicated is another of my famous – or infamous – understatements. You’re gonna feel whatever you’re gonna feel but doing something about those feelings can feel 100% right but, more often than not, fails in execution and again because of our long-held beliefs about how relationships are supposed to be – two’s company, three (or more) is a mess you don’t want anything to do with… and bisexuality may make being poly easier or it might add complications to an already complicated state of existence.

At this moment, I don’t think being single or in a relationship has much of an impact on being bisexual and poly except, of course, who you choose to partner with in this. One of the things I do know is that being poly can “open the door” and let bisexuality join the party and, yeah, I’ve heard a lot of people say, “Nah, that would never happen ’cause I ain’t like that!” and all that tells me is those who’ve said that have severely underestimated the power of love as well as how sex has a master key to our emotions. I’ve known couples who’ve become quartets and they’ve gotten blindsided when bisexuality shows up and, yeah, I’ve known couples who have explicitly forbidden any same-sex activities but, again, not taking into consideration how, in this situation, being a poly quartet comes with levels of intimacy (that isn’t all sex) that can make the impossible very damned possible.

There’s an odd kind of logic that says if we’re all in this together and doing everything together and including having sex together, um, why just limit it to the boy/girl stuff when we do have feelings for each other? If we’re gonna do this and be all into it, well, why not? This odd logic tends to fail at times because it can’t stand up to the emotional impact it can have on someone who is not so inclined to go both ways for any reason and not even for the sake of love. It’s not to be said that bisexuality is going to just invade things “automatically” or as a matter of course but, yeah, it can happen and, as it tends to happen, when it’s not expected or there’s a rule to prevent it.

I do think that bisexuals who are amenable to being poly do have an advantage given the dual nature of their attractions and I’d have to say that the “ideal” poly quartet is one where everyone is bisexual but not all bisexuals are of a mind to be in an ongoing relationship with more than one person at a time and many have a hard time making the adjustment to include an FWB when they’re already in a relationship. As odd as it may sound, a lot of bisexuals are… monogamous and moving from being monogamous to non-monogamous is either out of the question or not an easy transition to make.

And a lot of it, I think, has to do with those negative emotions I mentioned in my last scribble and the illusion of all things being equal, which isn’t impossible, mind you, but falls into that category that makes some people say that bisexuality is and should be a 50/50 kind of thing. Bisexuals have forever been welded to group sex and, namely, the dreaded threesome and not completely because they can be all hot and erotic but it shows an… expansion, for lack of a better word, that makes sharing sex with more than one person a logical and sensible thing to do and, no, I’m not 100% sure I understand why – I just know it can be like that. But one-on-one sex has been ingrained into our mindset and even bisexuals can have some difficulties having sex with more than one person involved and, if so, being in a loving and full-blown poly relationship can be even more difficult.

Hell, just the thought of having sex with “spectators” is usually enough to make most people lose their minds, let alone having those spectators participating in things… which is, again, the reason why I say that when considering polyamory, you really do have to unlearn all that stuff you’ve learned in order to learn a totally different way of doing them and one of those different ways could be bisexuality. I can’t say that “everyone” who goes for this does so with the potential of activating their bisexuality in mind; some actually do, but I’d say that’s the exception rather than the norm. When you put bisexuality and polyamory together, the adage of “never say never” comes to mind and I’d even go as far to suggest that if you’re planning a poly group, well, you should make this part of the discussion and then don’t be surprised if/when it actually happens.

And never assume that a member of the group isn’t going to have or find reason to change their mind and based upon how they’re feeling and how the other members are feeling about them. At a high level of thought, polyamory is sharing love with everyone involved and then with attention to detail toward how each member of the group wants/needs to love and be loved as well as what that means to them and what it entails and, yeah, how committed they are to the group. There are, of course, things that someone just isn’t going to do and that is always to be respected… just don’t be surprised if, again, the power of love within the group changes their mind. One of the funny things about being in love is that thing that’ll make a lot of us say that if we love you, there’s nothing we wouldn’t do for you – short of doing some highly illegal shit like, oh, robbing a bank or something along those lines… then it’s discovered that there are some things that you’re not gonna do, loving them or not – it’s just how some of us are about it.

Sigh. At the least, bisexuals have the potential to embrace polyamory and one can potentially become bisexuality in a poly setting and there’s just no way to definitively say whether a bisexual is going to be onboard with being poly or someone isn’t going to discover something about themselves that the group bonding has brought out in them. For many poly groups that I know or knew of, bisexuality never showed up and, at the very least, it was hinted at… and for some, oh, yeah, it arrived with bells on and totally shocked the shit out of everyone involved, not just because something “forbidden” happened but, usually, because they didn’t see it coming and didn’t think it could just happen like that.

As a bisexual, did I find being poly easy? Oh, hell, no. Given the makeup of our triad, did I foresee bisexuality paying us a visit? I most certainly did; in my mind, it wasn’t a matter of if it was gonna happen but when it was gonna happen and until it did, I spent a lot of near-sleepless nights thinking about damage control because while I knew it was gonna happen, I didn’t know what was gonna happen after it did and it scared the shit out of me. All late and wrong, I realized that, um, shit, maybe this was something we should have talked about when we sat down and talked about it and I can easily blame myself for this oversight and even when I started seeing the signs that told me what was going to eventually happen.

Which is why I’m telling anyone who wants to embrace polyamory to make double damned sure that when the group gets together to hash out how the relationship is going to go and look like, don’t forget to talk about this and for no other reason than forewarned is forearmed and should bisexuality arrive on the scene, no one gets blindsided by it. It gets weird in that ya might not want to expect it to happen (or want it to) but, yeah, don’t be surprised because, again, you just never know when someone – and even you – just might change their minds and dependent upon how the group gestalt is flowing and working.

It’s just not a given that bisexuals are more likely to be polyamorous. Like I said, a lot of people have a hard time dealing with their bisexuality and now we’re talking about the ultimate relationship and, well, you do the math. People are just… funny about how they go about forming and having relationships and going about the business of being in a relationship and, yup, definitely funny about having sex… and being poly changes all of that and no matter the shape of your group. I’d even go as far to say that if you’re already in a relationship and y’all are considering being poly, there’s a question I’d like to ask: Could you see your loving partner having sex with someone else? Most people can’t and some people think they can handle it right up to the moment they discover that they can’t handle it. One of the words even I learned was compersion, which, as I understand it is being happy because the person your with is happy. Yeah, some of us say, “If you’re happy, I’m happy!” and being poly can make one think twice about that and whether they really and truly meant it. It’s just not seeing them having sex with someone else – it’s knowing that they are and, whew, that’s just not an easy thing to adjust to and even more so if your partner is being truthful with you and telling you that when they have sex with another member of the group, they’re having a grand time and, yeah, I’ve heard couples trying to convince each other that, yeah, they did it but they didn’t enjoy it all that much when, um, that’s not the way things went down. And if a partner is having sex on the bisexual side of things, shit, well, lemme put it like this, if I may: You can feel some kind of way when the girls in the group are getting busy and they tell you that you’re not as good at going down on them as the other girl/girls are (or the guys in those situations I knew of).

Yep, heard that one and more than once. Did it bother me? Yeah, a little but in my mind, it didn’t matter as long as everyone was happy with each other and, oh, yeah, good luck with that one. It didn’t send me into a tailspin because, unbeknownst to me, I had embraced compersion and before I even knew there was such a word. I learned to embrace something that Bill Cosby once said (before everyone started hating him): “I don’t know the secret to success but I know the secret to failure is trying to please everyone.” And when poly relationships fail, well, this is why they do and why none of this is ever about equality but all about equity and whether bisexuality is involved or not.

It all gets… messy because feelings are involved and it 100% bad form to fuck with someone’s feelings, oh, like saying that you know you all agreed to this but you don’t like it all that much or griping about someone getting more attention that you are or everyone else is and other things of that nature. Polyamory is a journey of discovery and if you don’t understand that everyone involved is going to discover things in their own way, I’d advise you not to even think about being poly. You just cannot love everyone equally. You can try and I’m just gonna sit over here and wait to see how long it’ll take you realize that you can’t do it. You’re just not dealing with a “group” thing – you are also dealing with the individual personalities of the group as well and you cannot interact with everyone in the exact same way because people react differently about loving and being loved. Some may want “a whole lot” and some are okay with not a whole lot – and, again, they can change their mind about that – and now we’re right back to being able to openly communicate and effective so.

Even this doesn’t mean that bisexuals are more likely to be poly because, again, being poly is much more than having sex. Even we run into those moments when we know there’s something not quite right with whomever we’re with and we ask them what’s going on and they say, “Nothing.” When, ideally, when asked what’s going on, you get told what’s going on and then being able to listen without getting all bent out of shape… and bisexuality doesn’t necessarily lend itself to such a high level of calm objectivity.

So the answer to the question isn’t much of an answer: Bisexuals can be more likely to be poly… and not. The poly “rabbit hole” is, no joke and I shit you not, deeper and more involved that most can imagine and bisexuality just makes the rabbit hole even deeper. If it’s already there, you really don’t know if it’s going to “spread” or if it’s not there, you don’t know if it’s going to remain absent from things. And considering – again – that a lot of bisexuals are monogamous, well, you get the picture, I hope.

 
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Posted by on 6 July 2021 in Today's Bisexual Thoughts

 

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Life, Living and Loving: Being Poly

This is something I don’t write a whole lot about these days but being poly is forever etched in my heart and soul. I know what’s good about it – and it’s more than just the sex – and I know what’s bad about it and how/why a lot of people who give being poly a shot, more often than not, tend to fail more than they succeed.

Over the years, I’ve seen a lot of people embrace polyamory and a lot of them have been single and, well, for the longest time, I would wonder, “How does this work for single people?” and more so when single folks are actually free and clear to engage with whoever they want and as many as they can manage… and then I thought about some stuff that made going poly for single folks not so easy to do:

It’s what we think relationships are supposed to be like and an inability to break away from the prescribed behavior of one man/one woman. I gave a lot of thought to this and saw that when it comes to relationships, single folks are held to the same standard as married people are – relationships are monogamous and can’t be anything other than that. Having been married and poly showed me that while this doesn’t make being poly any easier, what it does do is provide an anchor point (for the lack of another way to put it); married folks often find it’s “easier” to be poly because at the root of this, their core relationship is the anchor point and provides the strength, love, and trust to make branching out “easier.”

And an anchoring point that single folks don’t have. The biggest mistake I found and learned about this is when you attempt to be poly while invoking any of the rules of monogamy, yep – that’s gonna be a problem. Then toss in and for good measure that many folks aren’t too keen about sharing and, of course, the rules of monogamy says, “Thou shalt not share anything with anyone else – ever!” The way we’ve always gone about relationships makes us… territorial and, yeah, possessive which brings me back to the thing I say about this: In order to be successfully polyamorous, you must forget and unlearn everything you know about love, sex, and relationships so you can learn a whole different way of doing these things… and not many people can do this.

It’s one thing to think that you can; it’s one thing to see the sense that polyamory brings to the table and, again, just not exclusively a sexual thing. It’s a whole different thing to actually get into it and saying it this way doesn’t even begin to cover how intensely difficult it can be; it’s not as “easy” as getting together with a bunch of people who thinks and feels the same way you do… because almost everyone has their own idea of how a relationship is supposed to work. Not only do the ever-pervasive rules of monogamy make being poly one hell of a clusterfuck to end all clusterfucks, there’s the other thing I’ve said that comes into play: All those negative emotions like envy, jealousy, possessiveness and obsessiveness? You can’t allow them to be a part of this – ever…. but it’s a combination of human nature and the rules of being monogamous that makes this a difficult thing to move away from and eliminate from one’s heart and soul and, yes, their minds.

I’ve seen a lot of written material about this and I’d not say that it’s bad or anything like that but, shit, how can I put this and have it make sense? Being poly isn’t a one-size-fits-all kind of thing so while there are experts who write and talk about the “best ways to be poly,” there’s much more to it and beginning with the people involved and if you’re the kind of person who thinks or otherwise believes that being able to openly love more than one person at a time is the “big problem” everyone says it is, you’re not going to do well in a poly situation. You have to know, without any doubts in your mind, that you do have the capacity and ability to be “madly in love” with more than one person and it never made sense to be limited to loving just one person at a time. And then you have to be able to find people who are like this, too. I’ve said that to be poly, you have to be seriously grown up and, sorry to say, a lot of people find that they’re not as grown up as they thought themselves to be.

This isn’t about sharing sex with a lot of people: This is about sharing every damned aspect of your life with a lot of people. In a piece that DDJennifer wrote about this very same thing, she accurately pointed out an inherent flaw and cause for polyamory to utterly fail with some folks: Expecting equality rather than equity. Many find out almost right away that trying to treat their poly partners equally just doesn’t work. Indeed, one of the qualities needed is the ability to multitask and with attention to detail about those in your poly group because, um, everyone is different and while that sounds like yet another Captain Obvious statement, you probably can’t imagine how this means so much when considering polyamory and right along with the fact that people do change and I do not mean “over time” but literally from one moment to the next.

Most attempts at polyamory fail because of a lack of planning and by this, I mean there is no plan that is – and should be – a shared vision of how this crazy relationship is going to work and what its goals for everyone involved are. Even I learned that if you don’t have 100% buy-in to the shared vision by everyone involved, things are going to get interesting. There are different… flavors of polyamory: Open, closed, triads, quartets, so on and so forth and then the shit gets deep and I do mean really deep within these flavors and it does make a difference whether or not a poly group is living together or separately and, yeah, if anyone has children. I’ve seen people apply rules and, with married or existing couples, rules that more often than not serve to preserve their core relationship. It’s not that it doesn’t work because it can… but it’s usually a recipe for disaster when, I’d say a lot of times, those rules are severely locked down and not subject to change or even discussion.

Which brings me back to another part of this and some skills that, if you don’t have them or suck at them, you’ve got some work to do. Communication is everything and once that fails to be established in effective ways and among all involved, failure is imminent. The other skills are time management, conflict resolution, and problem resolution as well as an ability to be more objective than subjective when you wind up having to “play” referee and peacemaker and not having these skills and abilities is yet another recipe for disaster.

I’ve said time and time again that being in a poly relationship makes being married look like child’s play… because it’s way harder than being married and if you’re single and thinking about embracing a poly lifestyle, hah – if you think dating is a major pain in the ass? You ain’t seen nothing yet because being poly makes dating look easy and problem-free. I’ve said that the moment anyone involved starts thinking “me” more than “us,” things are going to get shaky and, again, it’s just human nature for someone to think about what they want and need and it becomes the basis of their “agenda” and one that carries a lot of urgency and must be front and center… and that’s yet another fatal mistake those who fail at this tends to make – that “my way or no way” thing that has killed the shit out of relationships time and time again.

As such, if you lack the ability of the art of compromise and negotiation, well, hmm. It’s not just “what’s best for me” but it’s all about “what’s best for all of us.” It’s “what can we do together and as a ‘whole’ while attending to each other’s individual wants, needs, and other stuff like that. Whether your single and trying to do this or you’re already in a relationship, eh, it’s not so much a thing of “management by committee” so much as someone probably – or should – bear the responsibility of maintaining the group gestalt and keeping everyone focused on the shared vision that you better had established. It’s not so much a thing of being “the leader of the pack” but, yeah, it kinda is but doing so in an objective way and minus any personal biases and that’s incredibly difficult for a lot of people and, usually, I think, because of what they think relationships should be like and not what they can potentially be, you know, if you can get and keep everyone involved on the same page.

The sex. I’m not gonna bullshit you: If you think the sex is a secondary concern, you just screwed the pooch. The sex is important because sex binds and even in this, if you have a long list of things you’re not going to do for love or anything else, yeah, you might wanna do something about that. In this area alone, failures occur because someone will invariably start feeling like they’re being left out or they’re not getting enough of the action or, with existing couples, one person is having way too much fun than the other and many find that the more rules put in place to, um, contain or suppress sexual activities, the greater the chance of failure. Even in this, a lot of people tend to think more about what they want and need more than what can be possible and eschewing what I think is a “simple” premise: Everything is negotiable. It’s just that not many people are of a mind to negotiate and in that “my way or no way” mindset that we all tend to have. It might sound counterintuitive but the sex must flow, whether it’s one-on-one or if it happens in a group setting and if you have inhibitions or other hang-ups about sex and, yeah, sexuality, hmm, ya might want to work on getting rid of them and beginning right now.

And then, if all of this doesn’t load your plate up to beyond overflowing, you still have to go about your daily life and those things that are connected to it. One of the things that is a benefit is that if you’re struggling in day-to-day stuff, you hopefully have people around you who are ready, willing, and able to jump on in and give you a hand with it; poly relationships are “one for all and all for one” so it’s not just about the sex and the other things that go along with being in this very extended and complex way to be in a relationship… and one of those things also involves children and whether they’re youngsters or adults… and that just makes all of this even more complicated. It’s funny in that there was a time where we’d say that it takes a village to raise a child but these days? Yeah, not so much and no parent likes or wants to be told how to raise their children and other related things and, yep, a lot of folks tend to forget that their children do have a minds of their own and, yep, one big mistake a lot of folks make is trying to hide this from their children – and children who are a lot more observant that we’d like to believe.

Then if all of this hasn’t baked your noodle to a very crispy crunch, there’s what other people are going to see and think… and some of that isn’t going to be a good thing. I learned that when you try to keep this on the DL, yeah, that just ain’t gonna work and if I had a dollar for every time someone asked me what the hell was going on, my money problems wouldn’t be a problem. They’re going to notice it and some will be intuitive enough to know exactly what you’ve gotten yourself into and some of them are going to read you the riot act and like you’ve never heard it before. Sure, it’s none of their goddamned business what and how you’re living your life in this and, yep, they’re gonna preach to you about the way you should be doing things and the important thing that you and all who involved should keep firmly in mind that this is your life and lives and you have a responsibility to yourselves to live it the best way you can manage to do so and if that means there’s a “bunch” of you living and loving together and it allows everyone to flourish, that’s just the way it is and if no one else likes it, all they can do is not like it… and being prepared for repercussions is a very smart thing to do.

Shit… I remember when my mom figured it out and I was kinda/sorta prepared to get read the riot act to end all riots acts when all she said was, “I hope you know what you’re doing.” My response was, “I hope so, too.” I did have to “correct” her on one thought she had: This wasn’t my idea to begin with but I was both challenged and tasked to make it work and it actually made sense since we were already open to begin with and there were certain… needs that had to be met to maintain continuity – and peace in the valley – in our marriage and relationship. I knew before I accepted the challenge that this was going to be one hell of a mess… but one I felt I could deal with. I didn’t expect it to last very long… and it lasted way longer than I could have ever dreamed of and, nope, it wasn’t as smoothly as it could have idealistically been. We all made mistakes and, yeah, if you wanna know how I know what I do about it? It’s because we screwed things up as well as made them work and since I had the “job” of being the gatekeeper, well, I learned some stuff about what it takes to live a poly lifestyle that I’m glad I learned… and kinda wish I hadn’t.

It’s like “any other relationship” in that what works for one probably ain’t gonna work for another which is why if/when you’re considering this, you and whoever chooses to be with you in this has to sit down and “design” the foundation of the poly relationship and keeping it as simple as humanly possible. Being in a poly relationship is the ultimate relationship; it defies everything we know and believe when it comes to love, sex, and said relationships. Monogamy and it’s hard-set rules will not work in this and trying to hold onto to those rules can turn this into an “us versus them” kind of situation that will lead to its demise and in a hurry. It’s being committed to each other but also being committed to that shared vision I mentioned a while ago and if you or those with you aren’t of a mind to be that committed, well, ya might not wanna get into this or you can keep your nose to the grindstone and find those who can be this committed… and with the sure and certain knowledge and understanding that nothing is forever.

Being poly – and very much like being bisexual, as it turns out – isn’t just a thing to do: It is a way to be and it’s a life-changing way to be. It’s not all about having a group of lovers or sexual partners; this is about, again, sharing every aspect of your life with people you love and everyone being in love with everyone else, not equally because that’s impossible but with focus on equity, the quality of the relationship and with those who are willing to do whatever’s necessary to make it work and keep it working.

You don’t have to take my word for it. Research it; see what others are thinking and saying about it both pro and con and then take a lot of time to search deep within yourself and see if you can be up for the great challenge it is most definitely going to present. It is worth it because if nothing else, you learn some stuff about yourself; you learn what being in love can really mean and that love doesn’t have any boundaries except those we put in the way of it. There’s just so much work that has to be done, personally and especially if you go forward to embrace polyamory.

And I do wish anyone considering this all the luck in the world because if you do this, I can almost guarantee you that it’s going to be the most insane thing you’ve ever done… and ya just might be glad that you did it anyway.

 
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Posted by on 4 July 2021 in Life, Living and Loving

 

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Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: Bisexuality and Polyamory

I’ve probably written about this before but while perusing the Reader, I saw a blog asking about this and my first thought was that bisexuality is almost tailor-made for polyamory since, at the simplest of levels, one finds that their capacity to feel things for others gets greatly expanded and, yeah, even when some of those feelings are not much more than pure and unadulterated lust. It tends to cause confusion in some since being monogamous – and even in our feelings – is highly and strongly mandated and I’ve seen so many people falling all over themselves because they’ve found themselves being in love with someone… but having similar feelings for someone else… and then doing a Jedi mind trick on themselves in order to convince themselves that, for one, they’re not supposed to be feeling like this and, for another, convincing themselves that whatever they’re feeling for someone else – for the most part – isn’t what it really feels like and that there’s some great difference between loving someone and being in love with them.

A lot of people are guilty of this and, yeah, I used to be one of them until I got kicked in the nuts – figuratively, not literally. As I recall, I was well aware that to some degree, I had feelings for guys and gals – lust or otherwise – but really failed to connect the two things and, yep, knowing that I had feelings for someone but I also had feelings for someone else but, like many, suppressed them… but not so much. It took finding out that through no fault of my own, the love I had for someone wasn’t enough for them; they needed more and even from a different direction; it wasn’t that they didn’t love me because they did… but. The whole heart-rending situation forced me to see the reality of the situation, that it really wasn’t “impossible” to have feelings for one person while having feelings for someone else but it was just a matter of that being monogamous thing that was really the biggest problem.

Like, how are you gonna tell someone that if they have feelings for you, they cannot ever have feelings for someone else and they sure as hell aren’t supposed to do anything about those other feelings? Yet, that’s exactly what we’ve been told to do and with the admonishment that trying to love more than one person at a time would be the biggest mistake ever made and is guaranteed to blow up in your face and catastrophically so. Through my sexuality, I learned a few things and beginning with the reason why it can blow up is because while we can have such feelings, shit – we barely know how to love (or otherwise feel) for one person, let alone more than one and, of course, everyone has their own ideas about this but still predicated on the tenets of monogamy.

It’s not that bisexuals can’t be monogamous physically because they can… but emotionally? As I’ve said hundreds of times now, a woman I loved so very much told me that you can’t do a damned thing about the way you feel; you can only do something about how you may or may not act on those feelings. I learned that, yeah, sometimes you are compelled to act and even more so when we’ve all been taught that if you care for or love someone, then you gotta do some stuff about it… and I learned that at the very least, all you have to do is accept that this is how you feel but, yeah, not doing something about those feelings can be a bit of a bitch.

Now, you don’t have to be any kind of sexual to be able to understand this; it’s just that my wakeup call with this one had me “going back” and looking at myself and my bisexuality to really see what had been going on the whole time: Me having feelings for a lot of people and not just for one person whether it was lust, infatuation or even love. I think that had I not been bisexual and “finally” understanding how my own feelings were working, getting hit with this would have been much harder to accept… and off we went, freeing each other to act on our feelings instead of doing what everyone else does: Have those “extra” feelings and just flat out denying them or, yeah, stepping off to the side to do something about them.

I had time to think about this and to see the fallacy of being monogamous; growing up, I was pretty much told that I should (read that as had to) love my parents and siblings and other relatives but if I met a girl, I could only love that girl and no other at the same time. I realized that I’d literally been taught to be polyamorous, only to be told that, outside of the family, I couldn’t be. That realization was an even bigger kick in the nuts and saw that by invoking monogamous behavior, sure – I was being told what I couldn’t do but I was also being told that I couldn’t feel the way I felt… and, again, my bisexuality had already proven to me that I was more than capable – and often very willing – to feel whatever I felt with anyone even though doing something about it, I saw, wasn’t always possible. When the woman I loved told me this, it became an even bigger revelation and epiphany when I eventually saw that I had already learned that lesson – I just hadn’t connected it all together.

When people bitch about bisexuals and say that we’re greedy, they’re not just talking about our greater need and desire for sex and it begs a question: Is there really such a thing as loving and being loved too much? Is caring for more than one person really that bad of a thing and, yeah, do we not know that lusting after more than one person has always been seen as very bad? We see cheating as such a horrible thing to do and always asking why it happens and we always think that it’s about sex alone… when that’s not the whole truth since a lot of infidelity starts with feelings; you love whomever you’re with but then someone comes along and, the short version, you feel more “love” in that sense and while we tend to see it as being different, well, of course it is since everyone is different and how you react to them emotionally is going to be different… but it’s not always a matter of replacing feelings for one person with feelings for another: It’s the addition of those feelings, getting more from someone else than one is already feeling and getting. Of course, the “bad” part about this is doing something about those feelings and sex, it seems, becomes inevitable because other than for the sake of lust, nothing expresses the deeper feelings better than having sex with someone.

It’s not that difficult to see what’s really at fault here… and it’s not really us: It’s what we’ve been made to believe. Being in love and loving – in some way – someone else at the same time cannot be done; it should never be done and we still haven’t, as a whole, made the connection that this demand is unrealistic and we do fuck up a lot of shit – including ourselves – because of this very unrealistic expectation and forces us to control or suppress our natural ability to love more than one person at a time as well as our innate “compulsion” to do something about what we’re feeling.

Bisexuals get exposed to this and even when they’re of a mind that it’s “easier” to just have the sex and without any other feelings getting in the way but, again, you don’t have to be bisexual to see this at work; swingers, in particular, have no problems letting their lust for others loose… but developing feelings other than lust for those they’re having mad crazy good sex with? Verboten. Do not even go there and it had better not be discovered that you do have more feelings other than lust for someone because there will be hell to pay… which brings me back to the question of why and how we feel that we have the right to tell each other how we’re supposed to feel and placing such dire restrictions on them and ourselves? The fact of things and as I learned them is that you can feel whatever the hell you want to and for as many people as you can; doing something about those feelings? Yeah, that can get interesting… but if you could, hmm.

One of the things that solidified all of this in my mind was something my mother told me the day I told her I was getting married – and other than, “I hope you know what you’re doing!” She said, “Your marriage is only going to be as good as the two of you are willing to make it.” And then I learned what that really meant and the “bottom line” thinking and realization that it is better to ask permission than to keep begging forgiveness – and then not ever forgiving or being forgiven. While it’s all well and good to be free to sexually express yourself with whomever you can, it feels even better to be freed from monogamy so that you can feel whatever you’re feeling and without being guilty over the fact that you love this person… but you love that person… or persons. Doing stuff about it is complicated but not impossible…

And these days, a lot of people have figured it out and, again, sexuality isn’t the only method of figuring out but it does, in fact, help. The much dreaded word “threesome” comes up and freaks a lot of people out and that’s understandable… but what they don’t understand so much that, in this situation, sharing sex with someone you love and with others involved isn’t just about sex – it’s also an expanded expression of a great many feelings including the love you feel for the person you’re with and, yeah, it’s often conducted in a way that where sex can be shared… as long as there are no other feelings other than lust going on even though lust is a feeling, too – it’s just one that doesn’t require a relationship in order to be a valid emotional state – we just continue to believe that it does.

Bisexuals probably do understand this better than other types of sexual; it’s not wholly about doing shit about it but being able to feel what we’re feeling and being open and honest with ourselves about this very polyamorous aspect about ourselves. It is a wonderful feeling and part of things that makes being bisexual so eye-opening liberating and allows one to understand that not only can we be bisexual, but we can feel whatever we want to feel for more than one person at a time. There was a time in our history when humans were very polyamorous and relationships included many people joined together in a common cause – primarily survival and it lent itself well to the perpetuation of the species… until some folks decided that this wasn’t the best way to do things and invoked the Word of God… and monogamy.

But especially in bisexuals, this is a difficult state of mind to find one’s self in and to the point where bi guys, in particular, will tell you in a heartbeat that they don’t like men like they do women – and they’re talking romantically, not sexually and it’s like, duh, of course you don’t since women aren’t men and, oh, yeah, that’s right – being romantically interested in men is a very gay way to be. This becomes such a thing in the minds of many that they are unable to see how polyamorous they really are because, again, lust really is a legitimate emotional state – just one that really doesn’t have anything to do with being in love or, as I like to say, you do like them – or want to like them – enough to make sex possible and doable.

Being polyamorous isn’t just about sex but the inclusion of sex isn’t that bad of a thing if you can put your heads together and figure out how to “do it all” and without monogamy fucking everything up and invoking the learned behaviors of being possessive, jealous, envious, and many more feelings. It seems to be impossible… and I know for a fact that it isn’t and I’m not the only one who has learned this. Many of us are very much aware of our capacity and ability to have feelings for more than one person at a time and whether sex is involved or not but it’s being able to open admit and accept that you can, indeed, feel what you’re feeling even though many people see this as emotional infidelity because you just are not supposed to ever love anyone other than the person you’re with… and that has never really stopped anyone from having such feelings and when we do, we’re pretty quick to shut it down in ourselves because it’s wrong and there’s no believe that this should be going on inside of us to begin with… and denying, to a certain extent, that this is how we are really feeling.

There’s nothing you can do about the way you feel; you can only do something about how you might act on those feelings… and my question is, “What if you could? What if you could and without totally destroying everything in the process? What if you really could have your cake and eat it, too… and enjoy everyone else’s cake? Would that be something you might be interested in?”

There was a time when a great many people would say, “Oh, fuck no!” These days? People are changing their minds about that because they realize that no matter what the rules say, their relationship is only going to be as good as the two of them are willing to make it. How do you prevent infidelity? By removing the elements that can cause it to happen whether it’s emotional, physical, or both – and then understanding that it is unrealistic to expect and demand that one person is all you’re ever going to want and need for the entirety of your life. And it’s not that there aren’t a lot of people who don’t know this already because they do; they just don’t know what to do about it and they don’t know because it’s something we are forbidden to learn and even those who try to make being polyamorous work often fail because they’re trying to do so while applying many of monogamy’s rules…

Which is exactly why I’ve been saying that in order to be and embrace polyamory, you have to unlearn everything you know about love, sex, and relationships so that you can learn an entirely different way to go about these things and that calls for rewriting and/or abandoning the very rigid rules of monogamy and rules that, by design, prevent us from feeling the way we can feel. And we believe it to the point that when we find ourselves feeling something for anyone who isn’t the person we’re already with, we feel guilty as fuck about it and that, my friends, is a conditioned response and confuses the shit out of us because, on the one hand, feeling whatever for someone else at the same time we’re feeling something for someone else does, in fact, make us feel good… but we’ve all been mindfucked into believing it is morally improper.

You don’t have to be bisexual to see this at work… but it’s probably the “best” way to experience what it’s like to be polyamorous – and even without sex being involved. And as always, you don’t have to believe me and it wouldn’t surprise me if you didn’t… because you’re not supposed to believe that such a state of mind is even possible and if you were to ever feel this, you are demanded to reject it, deny it, suppress it and at the risk of your own mental wellbeing. And don’t we do this even though we know that it’s actually doing us more harm than good? Polyamory isn’t about doing first and foremost: It’s about feeling. You love this person and there’s no denying that… but you love this other person, too, and you do your best to deny that you do while knowing that you do love them or have, at the least, deeper and, yeah, even lusty feelings for them and, yup, ya just might find out that someone is feeling pretty polyamorous about you which is both a good thing… and a seriously fucked up thing; not because it really is all that fucked up but it’s what we believe and more so when we get hit with many horror stories about what happens to people who are found to love someone and they love someone else; it’s a relationship killer and it is wholly unacceptable for you to be in love with someone and have the immoral audacity to have deep feelings of love, affection, and even lust for someone else.

But what if it didn’t have to be such a disastrous and damaging thing? What if that which we believe really isn’t the truth of how we can be? What’s the best thing to do? It won’t be easy but the best thing to do is accept that this is what and how you feel and enjoy being able to feel this way. You don’t have to do anything other than that but, yeah, I know how it goes and now you’re battling yourself because you want to be able to express your feelings in some way but you can’t… or, really, you don’t know how to be able to do it without destroying everything you already have and that includes even letting it be known that you love the person you’re with… but you really do love someone else and you know it’s very, very real.

It’s the thing that fucks up a lot of bisexuals because they become… innately polyamorous but those damned rules insist that not only can you not do anything about it, you’re not supposed to be feeling this way to begin with. Even in this, one of the lessons I learned was just because you can do a thing doesn’t mean that you always have to… but not allowing yourself to feel whatever you’re feeling? Who has the right to have such control over your feelings and then why are we so willing to let someone else control our feelings and telling us who we can love or care for (or lust after) and who we can’t? The fact of the matter is that regardless of sexuality, a lot of people aren’t buying into this anymore and they are changing the rules because they understand that their relationship – and even their life – is only going to be as good as they want it to be and are willing to make it… even if that means openly loving and sharing more than one person in their lives.

 
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Posted by on 31 December 2020 in Today's Bisexual Thoughts

 

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Life, Living and Loving: That TMI Tuesdays Thing

Wow… writing that piece for TMI Tuesdays brought back a rush of memories, spanning a great many years and a kinda huge mashup of the good and the bad experienced when taking a step to the side and not being totally monogamous.

I remember the beginning of things, the great shock and confusion of the moment, including the terrible painful feelings as well as feeling inadequate and unworthy to learn that I, alone, wasn’t enough… even though, after the initial review, it wasn’t really me that caused this to come to the surface but it still didn’t feel good to be told that she wanted someone – anyone – who wasn’t me and then trying to make sense of the explanation and getting to understand just how complex and confusing such a declaration really meant.

Like most husbands, I believed in the sanctity of marriage; I understood what it meant to be bound by the vows I’d taken and all that they said and was otherwise implied… only to find out and eventually come to the conclusion that it’s almost impossible to be all someone is ever going to need; not only that but over any given period of time, people change but being monogamous is so… static and creates an environment where a lot of things aren’t really allowed to change.

I also realized that there are… consequences to loving someone and vowing, saying, or even implying that you’d do anything in your power to make and keep your partner happy being with you. In this, it was that “shit or get off the pot” moment and dealing with a damned if you do and damned if you don’t moment and even having to decide which of the two evils were the one that could be lived with along with the even harder and painful thought processes to end a relationship that was, up to that moment, engaging and good.

Was this going to be the biggest mistake ever? A right and proper thing to do and all for the sake of love? The hardest part about this is not knowing what’s going to happen if you don’t… and now being fully aware of what’s gonna happen if you do. You think that you know the person you love with all your heart and soul… until you find out that you kinda/sorta don’t really know them but, then again, what this is really about is not being all that aware of what changes are going on inside of them and coming to terms over why you weren’t aware of them before you became aware of them. It’s not so much of a thing of not paying your partner enough attention but more of a thing of not being all that privy to everything they may be thinking about and those things that, for reasons of their own – and because of the nature of those thoughts – yeah, um, you might not want to mention them out of fear of reprisal:

Even when you know someone fairly well, you never really know how they’re going to react to something; you can be somewhat certain of that but, eh, not really but if you really want and need to know one way or the other, you just gird your loins and say the things that you know have to be said. There is a certain appreciation of this level of honesty and despite the amount and depth of emotional pain and agony that can be experienced to find out that your partner needs something you can’t provide them or they need a lot more of what you’re already giving them and even they need something that’s different in a great many ways.

It’s even a bigger bitch to get kicked in the balls and finding out that what you so very much believed in was flawed and incredibly so; it’s a shock to the system when you look at all of this and realize that those vows and other such affirmations we make when we are in a relationship do not ever factor in the fact that people change and that odd situation where everything is going well… but not really. And you don’t really get to understand that, sometimes, a change in things – and this kind of change in particular – is one that is seen to be necessary even if for one’s own sense of self-preservation and invoking Rule Number One: Look after your own ass first. In these things, the vows and affirmations we make, I think, were designed to eliminate this very important rule and implies that you are expected, required and demanded to sacrifice all that you are for something you now know doesn’t really work the way they say it’s supposed to work and without exception.

If nothing else, getting smacked in the face with this can have you asking yourself just how much you really love, want, and need someone; it makes you face yourself – did you really, honestly, and truly mean all of the things you said about loving them… and if you reject the “ultimatum” of putting an end to being monogamous, it’s not so much about what it says about them but it does get you thinking about what your rejection says about you; if I learned nothing else from this, I not only learned that what we believe about how relationships are supposed to be isn’t the only thing that’s flawed and erroneous: It’s also your belief in such a flawed system, too.

What would you do for the sake of love? I know what I did and I gotta tell you that even as I made the very difficult decision to break the rules, I had a lot of misgivings and even fears over it but, then again, from where I was sitting, I didn’t really have much of a choice in the matter and the question I had to answer for myself was which thing was better – to know what she was doing and who she might be doing it with… or not know what was going on but also knowing that this was gonna happen with or with my “blessings?”

I had a lot of people tell me that I made the wrong decision; I should have left her and some… assholes said I should have given her a proper ass-kicking over this; I’m not that guy and leaving her – and that being the “logical” thing to do – well, my heart and my love for her wasn’t hearing any of that and more so when you’ve invested your whole life in someone, throwing it all away is a pretty dumb thing to do because it’s time in your life that you can never get back and while many people would suffer through having to start all over again with someone else, shit: When you get hit with this life-changing revelation, you become very aware that if it happened once, it could happen again and for a lot of the same reasons.

As a result, I totally lost faith in the tenets of monogamy. Oh, it has its good parts and for many, it works well since many are quite content to abide by the rules and no matter what’s going on with things. In a way, it’s a matter of honor, isn’t it? You vowed or promised to keep only unto yourself and let no one put asunder… but you also vowed or promised to be in this together through better or worse… and it doesn’t get any worse than knowing that even at your very best, you’re not all they will ever want and need and while such things can be suppressed, there might come a time, a tipping point, where their survival – and in their view of things – is in jeopardy and something has to be done… and by any means necessary.

And I was made to understand that this doesn’t apply to just those who are married; we deal with being in a relationship but not being married under the same tenets and guidelines and the only real difference is lawyers don’t get involved when things go south or otherwise break down. As we discussed how this very drastic change in our lives was going to take shape, I spent a lot of time kicking my own ass over believing something that, again after really and seriously looking at it, was about as flawed as anything can be; who in their right mind vows and/or promises to never want anything or, in the case, anyone else; who in their right mind actually sets themselves up to either fail or to find themselves stuck in place and without any other way to get unstuck outside of taking that relationship and throwing it all away.

But then seeing and beginning to understand that, hah – you can have your cake and eat it, too; you don’t have to throw it all away and that this? This not being monogamous thing? That’s well within the realms of something that’s humanly possible to do and more so when you really do love someone as much as you think and you’ve said that you do… and now it’s time to shit or get off the pot and to prove that those things you said about loving them weren’t empty and meaningless and that, you are willing to stick with them for better or worse. Holy shit, right?

So we went there and I’m not gonna lie and say that everything went swimmingly well… because it didn’t; even in this, I came to understand that not only do we really don’t know how to be in a relationship to begin with, this not being monogamous thing is an even bigger unknown. We know the theory of being in a relationship and we develop our own idea about how this is supposed to go – but based on something that, again, has more holes in it than a screen and, at the worst, prevents people from being who they really need to be as well as suppressing a lot of shit that is more damaging that breaking the rules seems to be.

Even after the long years after making that fateful decision, I still sometimes ask myself if by agreeing to not being monogamous, did I really make a mistake… and I found that no, I really didn’t even though things were rocky in the beginning and as in any relationship, shit doesn’t work the way it’s supposed to… but you improvise, overcome, and adapt and even more so when you really don’t want to lose what you already have; you just gotta take the good with the bad and keep making the best of things and to the best of your ability to do so.

The things that took place were exciting and all that but when I look back at it all, the biggest thing I took away from this departure from the norm is what I learned about myself. It was pretty fucked up to find out that I wasn’t as grown-up, worldly, or even as smart as I thought myself to be. I thought, once upon a time, that I could handle anything… right up to the moment I found out that I couldn’t handle this. The one thing I found that I could pat myself on the back about was being willing to step into very unknown territory and deal with it and, oddly, it became a matter of personal honor; I could have thrown in the towel but since I didn’t, time again to shit or get off the pot… and for better or worse.

Because of what being in love can really mean and that this? This not being monogamous thing? Yeah… love says you can do that if you’re not afraid to because, sure enough, love conquers all. The challenge of a lifetime and one wrought with more pitfalls, sink holes, and other hazards; it’s everyone’s worst nightmare and greatest fears come true and made real… now it’s a question of whether you’re really grown up enough to face the fears and nightmares… and for the sake of love itself.

Those of you who’ve been following and reading, you might remember the things I’ve said about this situation and they always bear repeating: You have to unlearn everything you thought you knew about love, sex, and relationships in order to learn a very different way to do these things. You have to be willing and able to break a whole lot of rules and see the reason for breaking them because the love you have for each other pretty much demands that those rules be tossed out and newer ones be put into place.

I am really and seriously not joking when I say it was the most insane thing I ever agreed to and have been a part of… and the thrill of a lifetime all at the same time. We grew together in this; we learned together; we reveled in it together and we suffered through the missteps and failures together; we not only learned much about ourselves as individuals, we learned about ourselves as a couple and even then, there was much joy and pain in the learning. One of the big things I learned was just because you can do a thing, you don’t always have to do it… but if you can, well, why not? It wasn’t so much what we were doing that held a lot of importance to me but the fact that we were sharing it all with each other was the thing that made such an insane decision for either of us, oddly and strangely, probably the best thing we could have ever done.

There are always regrets and nothing is forever… but you learn to be and live in the moments and I’m not sure if even now if I can really explain this state of mind. I know all that went wrong, the mistakes both of us made along the way; I realize that we were learning how to do this as we went along – since there was no Internet at the time, there wasn’t the current wealth of information that could be referred to and it wasn’t like we knew of anyone who was also doing this very crazy thing before the fact. Things could have gone better… but they could have been much, much worse.

And the craziest thing? I’d do it again. There really is no such thing as loving and being loved too much and that feeling alone is amazing beyond mere words and, yeah, the sex? It’s amazing how good it can be once you free your mind from the way it’s supposed to be. Even in this, it’s fascinating to see how we grew in this, from going about it individually to doing it together, to having and sharing lovers and that poly way. If nothing else, you won’t ever look at monogamy the same way ever again and, really, the lesson to be learned is that no matter what kind of relationship you’re in, you do have a duty – a responsibility – to make the relationship as good as it can be; you have that same duty and responsibility for your partner’s wants and needs and if there’s one that they have, it’s not impossible to provide it and, believe it or not, it can make you feel rather wonderful knowing that you are able to provide for those needs.

And because love says that you should even though the rules say that you can’t and shouldn’t. For most people and when you ask them what they’re willing to do for the sake of love, the answer is, “Not a whole lot.” When we tell the person we love, “I love you,” there’s an unspoken “but” that can be present and, of course, that usually represents what you’re not going to do. There are, of course, some things that shouldn’t ever be done like, I love you… but I’m not gonna go kill someone just because it would make you happy and other such stuff along those lines. But giving you that “more” that you know you need and it will require some… outside help? We can do that; all we have to do it put our heads together and decide the best way to get it done for each other…

And for the sake of the love we have for each other and for love, itself. Most people will say that they couldn’t do it; that they wouldn’t do it even if it could literally save a life; they don’t believe in such shit and the promises, vows, and affirmations are inviolate and resolute. They’d rather throw away an otherwise good relationship. Some might even give the sense of that they care about their own ass more than they do the person they’re with. It reminds me of that song by Meatloaf – I’d do anything for love… but I won’t do that and, in this, the “that” is putting yourselves in that seemingly impossible situation of having your cake and eating it, too, and the cake eating is being enjoyed and even shared.

If it sounds like a lot of work, believe me – it is and this is a rabbit hole that is even deeper than you can imagine it to be and while doing it ain’t easy the hardest part is all of the stuff that I think has to happen before any doing gets close to happening… and I’m pretty sure that you’re gonna learn some stuff that you’re gonna wish you hadn’t learned about your partner and yourself, too. That part alone is a good enough reason for not even going there and for many, love isn’t a good enough reason and, well, shit – I really don’t know what to say about that mindset.

Writing the TMI Tuesday piece brought back so many memories, some beyond pleasant and those that just weren’t pretty at all. It’s something that is hard to wrap your head around even in theory because it calls for one to be able to set aside that which they believe and going to places that our morality deems to be forbidden territory. You think you know what it means and is like to love someone? You really have no idea of what that really means until what you think you know or otherwise believe gets challenged and put to the test. Most people would run away from this… and, let’s say, only the most bold and daring will run toward it and for no other reason that they believe more in the power of love than they do the tenets of monogamy.

I don’t believe in it any more and haven’t for a very long time. It has value and there’s no denying that and for many, it works… and for many more, nope – not really. A lot of people these days are seriously looking at being ethically non-monogamous or, my favorite phrase, negotiated infidelity and many are finding out how to make it work for them. They are, today, finding out what I did so many decades ago:

I would do anything for love… including that.

 
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Posted by on 18 December 2020 in Life, Living and Loving

 

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Life, Living and Loving: Poly Sexuality (and a TBT)

When it comes to being poly and putting a group together, I’ve often wondered if the issue of sexuality really gets thought about or if the participants ever give any thought to what could happen in such a close and sexually active group. Does anyone really discuss this other than to, perhaps, insist on what’s not supposed to happen?

And do they really think that it won’t?

DDJennifer, in her comments to yesterday’s scribble, wondered why guys are so funny about having some fun with another guy in the group. It is, strangely, “generally accepted” that any women in the group will, at some point or eventually, get into having sexy fun with each other but, yeah – guys are pretty weird about themselves becoming the object of one of the other guys’ lust.

The reason is… some guys are just seriously funny about it and some are so funny about it that incidental or accidental contact with another guy is way out of line and can never happen. A lot of guys remain of a mind that, oh, leaning over and having a taste of “Paul’s” cock – and while Paul’s busy eating out a female poly partner – is too gay, unmanly or, believe it or not, sometimes afraid that if they do, they’re gonna like it. Even if some guys are of a mind to check out the other guy’s dick, there’s always that fear that the other guy is gonna object and the shit is going to hit the fan…

Which makes me wonder if any of this is ever and really discussed during the formation of a poly group. It’s one thing to put it on the agenda and as a “what if” kind of item; theoretically, it’s possible but often set aside because it’s deemed to be “impossible” and outside the realm of possibility or, yeah, sometimes, the guys better not even get the thought into their head at all. That a whole lot of guys in this setting go out of their way to avoid any contact with any other guys in the group isn’t all that unusual – remember, some guys are just very funny about that. I do think, however, that what gets overlooked is not only the power that sex has but it’s ability to bond.

Being in any group sex situation can be… interesting. Not so much in whatever’s happening but in what the participants are going out of their way to make sure doesn’t happen. The… fear of any same-sex interaction is very real and I’d suppose that, in a one-off kind of way, avoidance is easy because it’s not like whoever you’re having group sex with lives with you or is a regular participant when it’s time to do the nasty. Let’s see… how many times have I been in a group setting and heard a guy – or guys – emphatically state that there will be no funny stuff between us guys… and then there’s a guy playing with my dick?

And then the guy doing it is telling me he doesn’t know why he did that. Well, I know why… but, then again, I don’t underestimate the power of sex and its ability to unlock some shit inside of us that, perhaps, we’d rather not have unlocked or exposed. I’ve been in settings where the ladies have tossed the “no funny stuff” card onto the table and when things get hot and heavy, well, check them out – so much for no funny stuff, huh? People just tend to discount those “heat of the moment” moments; they can’t happen and aren’t allowed to happen and they’d better not happen if you know what’s good for you.

And in poly settings, well, it’s probably one of those things that probably should be discussed with more seriousness than is problem done. You’re a poly group and connected all across the board – and that includes sexually. One on one sex, eh, that’s easy but when there are times when “the gang gets together” there is always the possibility and even potential for the funny stuff you’d rather not happen to be thought of… or actually happening and, I dunno, maybe it’s just me, but I’d think that having a meaningful discussion and accepting that things can and do happen in the heat of the moment – or, yeah – the bond that’s being shared pretty much demands that no one should be excluded. So if “Gene” and our boy, “Paul” are two guys in a poly group and something were to happen between them – incidental contact or a dick gets fondled or even sucked, well, it can happen and more so when people do change their minds about such things and often depending on how deep the poly bonding goes between everyone involved.

Being poly invokes a deep sense of sharing that many find bothersome… and that sharing can – and sometimes does – reach the sexual level of things and, really – if some funny stuff happens, it’s not going to be spoken about outside of the poly group anyway or, what happens in the bedroom stays in the bedroom. Granted, finding yourself suddenly or unexpectedly in a same sex situation when it’s supposed to be an opposite sex only deal is… shocking and that grossly understates things and, as such, it’s gonna take so doing to get one’s head around it… but maybe not so much if the possibility was not only discussed but taken seriously because, again, people do really change their minds about stuff and sometimes right in the middle of sex happening.

If you’re gonna share, then should be really be limits placed on who gets to share whom? I learned not to be surprised by any of this. You don’t ever expect it to happen – well, unless it’s already been agreed that it should – but you should never discount or dismiss the possibility and it’s my thought that if you do dismiss or discount it, you might not be all that aware of that power to bond than you think you are – no offense. Now, some guys do say that if it happens, well, it happens and many may not be of a mind to really object or pitch a royal bitch about it because it can and will foster disharmony across the whole poly group. And, yeah – a lot of guys are more concerned about their own sensibilities in this and it’s not that they don’t have a right be concerned about them but what are you willing to do to contribute to the sexual happiness of one and all?

Among the fellas? Eh, not a whole lot. In any kind of group setting, I’ve known guys to be paying more attention to where the other guy is and what he’s doing than he is paying attention to what he should be paying attention to: Having sex. I’ve seen guys jump like they’ve been shot or something when I’ve gotten “too close” to them or our legs touch or some other kind of unintentional and incidental contact… and it has either made me shake my head or laugh to myself to see how… skittish the other guy is and it had made me shake my head to hear him say, all after the fact, that he reacted the way he did because he thought I was gonna do something to him.

Being bisexual, I’d never say that it didn’t cross my mind or that it never crosses my mind… but boundaries should be respected but I know, even if no one else does or believes it, that boundaries can be adjusted on the fly because there’s a need to, whether it’s being all caught up in the moment or there’s a bond in the process of being formed. Still, some guys are just funny about it. It’s unmanly. It’s gay as fuck. Don’t even look at me while we’re having sex with our female partners/participants and, yeah, sure, it’s a whole different thing if the ladies get involved with each other, “accidentally” or on purpose. Women just seem to handle this way better than guys do even if they didn’t expect anything to happen or they believe that any sex that happens between the girls is “too lesbian” for their sensibilities. Oh, they’re gonna talk about it later and they just might agree that, all things considered, it wasn’t all that bad.

A lot of guys, well, we don’t tend to think like that and, again, I know of guys who are very well aware of the possibility of some interaction with the other guy/guys and it scares the shit out of them. For some guys, it’s not like that they don’t feel the… bonding pull; I know a lot of guys who’ve said – and with some embarrassment – that they felt that if they just reached over and wrapped a hand around the other guy’s cock, well, that works. They didn’t do it but that’s not really the point in any of this.

Being poly is, of course, more than just the sex that’s possible; it is really sharing every aspect of your lives with others who choose to be with you in this – and now it’s just a matter of how deep that sharing goes. Rules are put into place to inhibit or prevent behaviors and are usually locked down tighter than white on rice and it works… and sometimes doesn’t so much because the thing that can’t be controlled is what someone might be thinking and/or feeling about the “no funny stuff” rule so many poly couples put into place – and where the fellas are concerned more than the ladies – women, again, are just so much better about this.

Maybe such interactions never happen – they don’t always do… but everyone involved in the group should, at the very least, I think, be aware of the possibility and potential and never, ever dismiss or discount the fact that people really do change their minds and for some folks, changing their mind can happen at the speed of thought and, yeah, I know a lot of people who have surprised the shit out of themselves to find themselves doing something they weren’t ever of a mind to do. I’ve heard them say that it just felt like the right thing to do in that moment or, if they did nothing – and to not start a riot – it still felt like the right thing to do. Again, I’ve heard both men and women say, “I don’t know what made me do that!” But I know why they did because, unlike most people, I know and believe that shit does happen and not always when it’s not supposed to. I know that people in the right place, in the right setting, and at the right moment can get unlocked being in that moment and that’s some very scary shit and more so when you really don’t expect to get that unlocked.

Which is what makes any kind of group sex pretty fucking scary for a lot of people and men more likely than women. It’s sex. It doesn’t mean that your gay or even bi but people have a hard time seeing sex for what it really is and the way it can be. If “Paul” unexpectedly leaned over and grabbed my dick, okay, it might surprise me since he made it clear that he wasn’t about any funny stuff… but I’m not surprised that it happened. Am shocked to find a mouth on my dick that “isn’t supposed” to be there? Nope, not one bit. Get a finger in my butt that isn’t attached to a woman? Not even gonna be surprised and not just because I happen to be bisexual (which helps): It’s because I don’t ever underestimate the power of sex.

Anyone considering being poly and in a group shouldn’t either. Have serious discussions about it and, if nothing else, acknowledge that the potential is there and it can cross someone’s mind even if they don’t plan on doing anything. Respect boundaries, of course, but if possible, don’t make them too… fragile, for lack of a better word. Even in this, no means no but people, again, do change their minds and it doesn’t always take a long time for such a change to show up. The only way something like this is going to fuck shit up is if you allow it to and the bad part is, Jennifer, a lot of guys are more than willing to let shit get fucked up than they are willing to just go with the flow of things. And no: I don’t think it’s “fair” that it’s okay for the girls in the group to play with each other but it’s not okay for guys to play with each other – and even if the only time they interact with each other is when everyone piles onto the bed and goes for what they know.

Hey… I won’t tell if you won’t. What happens in our poly family stays in our poly family.

 

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The Middle-Aged Bisexual

Struggling with my bisexuality in a heterosexual relationship

Porn Girl

BDSM, Femdom, D/s, sex and life in general

Binerd88

Musings & Interests of a Bisexual Man

wildwestangel.wordpress.com/

A journey into surrender

Finding Strength in my Submission

Mature audience only, 18+ NSFW...kinky sex & spankings ahead!

Acquiescent Soul

Internal Perspective

Katya Evangeline

From Missionary to Sex Preacher and Loving It!

Domestic Discipline, Jenny style!

Unconventional journey to unimaginable fulfillment.

Life

by Hannah

Hopeful Heartache

Ramblings about life, relationships, anxiety, depression, and questions.

SeXXy Julie

Sordid Sex Stories & Erotica of a Cougar

Temperature's Rising

Still hot. (It just comes in flashes now.)

Bellaelena

Random thoughts from a random mind

thewritingofpassage

Writing about recovery.

Wake Up- Get Up- Stand up

"We the People" need to stand together.

The Watering Hole

Where everyone comes to quench their thirst for insight to life's challenging questions.

afortnightaway

Parts Of My Life

Date A Bisexual

Love the one you love

ophisophia

The Wise Serpent

a worried whimsy

bouncing between happy and anxious

The Self-Actualized Life

Have a fulfilling life sexually and every other way!

Larry Archer's World (LarryArcher.blog)

------ Erotica from the dirty mind of Larry Archer

theopenwife

is there a path to a successful open marriage?

thesinofindia

The silent inside of an anonymous Indian rebelling against society

The (Bi)te

The uninteresting world of a young bisexual girl

The Bi-Love-Ed RESEARCHER

What Perspective Matters Most Depends on Your Perception

Kittykat-bitsandbobs

Just my random thoughts and meanderings... I'll try to keep you entertained

smallpenisbigissues

when and why size matters

undermounted

I write when the choice is to die if I don't

My SEXuality

Why am I afraid to tell you who I'am?

Confessions of a Cheating Housewife

...because love just isn't enough ;)

Apparently I Don't Exist

The Many Adventures of a Bisexual Genderqueer