RSS

Tag Archives: Relationships

Life, Living and Loving: When Two Becomes Three (or more)

https://ddjennifer.wordpress.com/2020/03/25/342-kayla-part-i/

https://ddjennifer.wordpress.com/2020/03/27/343-kayla-part-ii-kayla-ours-the-new-addition/

https://ddjennifer.wordpress.com/2020/03/31/344-kayla-interview-part-iii/

If you’re at all interested in what it’s like to be married and having a new person join the relationship, take some time and read these three posts. While the content is about domestic discipline, the posts are rich with a sense of what it takes to break some rules and doing some sundering – on purpose – and for the benefit of one and all.

I know for myself, it was the adventure of a lifetime, both one of the most rewarding things I’ve ever done and one of the most insane things. Some might think that these… arrangements are just about sex but there’s much more to it than that although, yeah – the sex is probably unlike anything you could experience since it’s a lot more than just the much-dreaded threesome.

You go along, just the two of you… and somehow, some way, and for some reason, two becomes three (and not counting any existing children). It’s an option that’s becoming more of a thing these days and, in my opinion, it’s the ultimate relationship and one that will put everything you thought you knew about love, sex, and relationships to one hell of a test. Man, talk about life-changing? Talk about how much you’re gonna find out about yourself, the person you’re married to, and then whomever was chosen to join you?

I’ve sometimes thought that if I knew then what I know now, I probably wouldn’t have done this – easy to say, right? At the same time, I do know and the question I’ve asked myself has been, “If you could, would you do it again?” The “bad” part is, yeah – I would… because there’s nothing else like it, nothing you can compare it to. It takes being in an open relationship and seriously expands it; many find that being in an open relationship is difficult enough and, comparatively speaking, being in an open relationship is easy.

This isn’t. Jennifer and her clan figured it out; they’ve made it work and is, in my opinion, the perfect example of how to do it and she’s been gracious enough to share her experiences in this and how she deals with things and how her extended family works. I think you’d have to hit her archive to get the full flavor of her journey in this, to see the high and low points, a few personal struggles, but with the commitment to not only go this route, but to do her part to make it work.

For me, her domestic discipline thing is icing on the proverbial cake; you don’t have to have a “kink” to be able to do this but the gist of it all is that you sure as hell have to be willing and able to step way out of the box and be so unconventional in this kind of relationship… while making it look and feel like it’s been like this since “the original” couple got married and instead of two “standing at the altar,” there were three – and all committed not only to each other but to the scope and vision of the expanded relationship.

I know that, as more people found out about what we were doing, they said that I was either the luckiest motherfucker who ever lived… or the most insane one. One guy told me, “Having one wife is bad enough… and now you have two? What the fuck were you thinking about?” Well, I had three but that’s not really the point. There is so much stuff you have to deal with, so much stuff you have to learn – like I said, everything you thought you knew about being in a relationship gets rewritten to the point where you’re pretty much always in unknown territory.

While one can search the Internet and find all kinds of information on how to form such a family, at best, it’ll be more of a guideline, more like suggestions, because how the dynamic works depends on the people involved, why they’ve come together like this, and being able to work out how this is gonna work… and with the sure and certain understanding that there are going to be sinkholes – not bumps – in the road to be traveled.

You not only have to deal with the internal stuff – but if you think you’re gonna do this and other people aren’t going to notice or figure it out – and then start asking questions, I’d say you’re sadly mistaken. One of the hardest things I had to do in this was explaining it, sometimes in detail, sometimes being rather vague about things like someone asking, “Hey… are the three of you in a relationship?” and me responding with, “Yeah, we are…” – and leaving it at that.

“How the hell did that happen?” My answer? “You really don’t wanna know and you’re probably not gonna believe me.” I caught a lot of flak from women who’d roast me for being such an arrogant asshole to have a harem and it would piss me off big time and more so when I would try to explain the dynamic… and now I’m not only an asshole but I’m a liar on top of it. I got so “used” to be some kind of bad guy that whenever some woman figured it out and wanted to read me the riot act, I’d just ignore her because I saw no point in trying to explain something that they’d refuse to believe, oh, like the fact that doing this wasn’t my idea to begin with.

I just agreed to it. Then I had to figure out how to make it work and I’ll ask you to once again believe me when I tell you that it might sound “easy” but it’s anything but. I remember too many nights when I laid in bed between the two of them, watching them sleeping… and wondering just what the fuck did I get myself into and trying to peek into the future to see what tomorrow was gonna be like; to borrow a phrase I read in a book, the only easy day was yesterday.

When I’ve written about this in the past, I’ve pointed to some skills that are very necessary: Time management along with problem and conflict resolution. You have to be a negotiator, a referee, an arbitrator and if you know something about psychology, that’ll help. Dealing with different personalities, well, it’s a bitch and a half and dealing with the emotional aspects, and, oh, my god; it didn’t take me long to figure out why someone would think I had lost my mind in being a part of this… because I questioned my own sanity quite a bit. Along the way, I learned some very important shit and in terms of what not to do; I’ve said it before and I’ll keep on saying it.

If you’re not grown up enough, don’t even think about doing this. If you are unable to get rid of emotions like envy, jealousy, selfishness and possessiveness, well, bluntly, you’re fucked – and not in a good way. And if you have no idea how to deal with these things in others, well, what do you think? Doubly fucked would be a good way to put it… and that doesn’t even come close to what it’s really like.

The sex? Not as easy as it sounds. It’s hard enough “keeping track” of what one woman likes, doesn’t like, whatever… but for two of them? Ha… I know some of the guys who knew would tell me how lucky I was and I’d say, “Well, yeah… if you say so.” This ain’t like an one-off kind of threesome thing; this is an everyday part of your responsibilities in the relationship and while some might say that it’s not all about the sex or it’s “not really that important,” well, guess again. It is important and if you really want to have your limits put to the test? This will do it… and it is humbling. And let’s not talk about sexuality issues… unless you’ve got something for the headache you’re gonna get handy…

And that’s being nice about it. Oh, yeah – you also have to be to “see the future” or, perhaps more accurately, you have to see the problems before they show up. It’s not enough to know that some shit is gonna get and be fucked up – you have to figure out what’s gonna get fucked up, when it’s gonna happen, why it’s gonna happen… then “see” what’s gonna have to be done to fix it… and if it can be fixed. Then you have to be as proactive as you can be to head off any issues you feel, think, and/or believe is going to show up… then convince those who are with you that whatever you’ve “seen” coming down the road is gonna happen.

Now, don’t get me wrong. This is an experience to top and end any experience you’ve ever had; like I said, there is nothing else like it. It is rewarding beyond belief but is also like walking a minefield in the dark… and blindfolded. When things go right, sheer heaven… and when they go wrong – and things will go wrongly… yeah: What were you thinking about when the two of you decided this would be a good thing to do?

What makes this even more difficult is the fact that we barely learn how to have a relationship with one person; while there are, again, loads of guidelines and suggestions on how to make your relationship simply stellar, that’s all they really are – guidelines. Suggestions. Lots of pie-in-the-sky shit and every relationship is more like on the job training than really knowing how to do this… and keeping in mind that the person you’re with has their own ideas about how this is supposed to and gonna work.

Then add someone else to the mix. Then, for shits and giggles, add someone else. Then try to take everything and everyone and mold it all into one “seamless” thing. Is your head hurting? It should be. And it will. It’s the reason why I say that you not only have to be really grown up, you have to take everything you think you know about relationships and throw it all away so you can learn a very different way to be in one.

And if you can’t to this and can’t manage to get and keep everyone involved on the same page, well…

Jennifer and her clan figured it out. In fact, a lot of people do. It is, without a doubt, the hardest thing one can ever do as well as the craziest, most insane thing you will ever do in your life…

And it’s worth it. It really is even when you will have moments where you’ll be wishing you never decided and/or agreed to do this. But if you can make it work, it just doesn’t get any better than this.

If you want to get more of a real-deal perspective of this, go read Jennifer’s blog. Most people who try this don’t last very long; our relationship lasted a couple of decades and Jennifer celebrated five years of being in this kind of relationship so as far as I’m concerns, she’s a heroine of the highest order and so are the members of her clan – and especially her husband.

Do ya really think it’s heavenly to be the only guy and “surrounded” by women? It is… and not so much. Are you of a mind that this is totally and completely insane? It is… and probably more than you can imagine. Don’t think you could do this? You probably can’t and more so if you believe in the way relationships are supposed to be… and this sure as shit ain’t the way things are supposed to be… but in many way, it also is. It’s polyamory… but much deeper; it’s not “just sex” but way much more than just that. Monogamy? Forget that shit – not gonna work.

I’ve seen stuff written about this that talks about the core relationship and how important it is to preserve it and there’s some good sense in this… and it’s also a good way to fuck shit up because it tend to evoke an “us and them” kind of thing when, in reality, there should only be “us” and regardless to how many people are involved. I’ve seen where single folks are going about this and, um, it’s not all that easy when there’s no real core relationship to build upon… and even harder when there is a core relationship to build upon. And harder still when you and your “partners in crime” live under the same roof.

Glorious. Beyond anything you could dream of… and it can be your worst nightmare made real if you’re not willing to see it all through for as long as it can go. You have to be committed… which also means you probably should be committed because this shit is beyond crazy.

But if you can do it – and do it as right as everyone can make it – there’s just nothing else like it and nothing else will ever compare to it. A long time ago, our family of five became a family of nine with five kids, three wives, and me. Holy shit. I would think that if someone had told me I’d find myself up to my pretty brown eyes in this, I would have laughed so hard and told them they were out of their fucking minds.

I’m not laughing and maybe, just maybe, I was the one who was a few fries short of a happy meal. Absolutely the most wonderfully insane thing I’ve ever done and been a part of.

Thanks go to Jennifer for the inspiration to write this. You rock, Jen!

 
3 Comments

Posted by on 2 April 2020 in Life, Living and Loving

 

Tags: , , ,

Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: Inequity: The Unlevel Playing Field

One of the relationship problems I’ve seen involving bisexuality is things not being equal or a bisexual partner stands up for their right to be bisexual and pursue their interests while the other partner is left high and dry and invoking “If you can do it, I can do it, too!” is met with a great deal of resistance, fussing, fighting and, honestly, a total disregard for someone’s sensibilities other than their own.

I knew a guy many, many years ago who was married to a bisexual woman and, as it turned out, he was bisexual as well but extremely frustrated because his wife – a bit of a harpy if I might say so myself – felt that she had the God-given right to slake her lust whenever she wanted to and with whomever she damned well pleased while promising and threatening to leave him and take their two children away if he ever even thought about doing things the way she was doing them.

Ah… I remember the day I met her. We both worked for the local cab company and it had been a very busy – and profitable – night (we worked the 10pm to 7am shift) and things had been so good and hectic that we wound up working until 8:30 or so. He had asked me to give him a ride home and to come in to not only meet his wife but also to confirm that we worked a little overtime as his reason for not being home when he’d normally be there.

Right away, that set off yellow alerts in my head but, okay, I could do this for him because he was a really cool guy. On the way to where he lived, he said, “Don’t be surprised if my wife starts flirting with you, okay?”

The alert in my head started to shift more toward red but, eh, I was used to married women flirting with me… covertly and had said as much – then the alert went fully to red when he shook his head and said, “That’s not what I’m talking about; she’s gonna take one look at you and want to fuck you right then and there!”

Maybe he was exaggerating, maybe he wasn’t – but forewarned is forearmed. Once at his place, wow – his wife lit into him with a verbal barrage that made me want to hit her – and I don’t hit women – and she was so busy shredding him that not only did he not get a chance to get a word in edgewise, she never noticed that he wasn’t alone.

Then she noticed me standing next to him… and her whole demeanor changed and I mean it changed so quickly that had I not bore witness to her diatribe, I would have sworn she wasn’t pissed off about him being late coming home. I backed him up, of course, and I honestly don’t know whether she eased up on him because I verified his reason for being late… or there was something else going on but I’ll be damned if she didn’t proposition me… right in front of her husband.

I was horrified at her callousness and regard for his feelings; I mean, okay – if you’re gonna hit on someone, shit, at least wait until your spouse leaves the room for something, ya know, or try to be subtle about it! She’s eyeballing my crotch and all that and I’m looking at him giving me that “I told you!” look but it was the whipped puppy look in his eyes that really bothered me. She sashayed off to the kitchen to fix him something to eat – and I could tell this shocked the hell out of him – flinging her hips all over the place and I took that moment to let him know I was outta there but if he wanted to talk later, I’d be all ears.

Business was slow by the time our shift got started and we had plenty of time to hang out at our assigned cab stand to sit and talk… and even though I was “recently new” to this open marriage thing, what my friend was telling me shocked me to my very core. She was bisexual and that’s when he confessed to me that he was bisexual as well but he wasn’t allowed to pursue his interests while allowing her to, basically, bully him into submitting to her will… and I was both pissed and very sympathetic toward him and his plight.

He asked me, “How did you and your wife agree to be open?” and I kinda laughed and said that we didn’t agree to it until she hit me with an ultimatum and talked everything out and that the transition wasn’t what I’d call easy but, sure, we were making it work.

“I wish you could explain this to her,” he said and the way he said it just broke my heart. I knew it was probably a mistake on my part but I told him that if she’d listen, I’d talk to her about this one-sided bullshit that was not only making a mockery of their marriage but really doing a number on his state of mind. I did, however, ask him a question: If she’s not gonna let you do your thing the way you need to, why haven’t you just done it anyway?

His answer? He said he was very afraid she’d find out and leave him, taking their children, too. I rolled my eyes and asked him, “Um, how would she know? Dude, do you have any idea how many offers for sex I get being behind the wheel… and how much sex I’ve had?”

He smiled and said, “I know… I get offers, too, but I turn them down; I’m just scared shitless that she’s gonna find out!”

I couldn’t say how she could possibly find out but, okay, he was obviously convinced that she could and would. I felt very badly for him and his plight and so much that since we were sitting in the back seat of my cab, yeah – I just proceeded to give him a blow job because, for one, he needed one (think bro job) and for another thing, I wanted to find out if she would find out.

This… heifer was a piece of work. I think it was a couple of days later when I gave him a ride home and I had a couple of days to see the results of my impromptu blow job – he was happier, less sullen, even invigorated. Good! We get to his place and we go in… and there’s his wife on the sofa, buck naked, and not only in a 69 with another woman but there was a guy plowing her from the back! My second thought was it was a good thing their kids were in school… but my first thought was, “What the fuck? She knew he was on his way home and do you mean to tell me that she chose not to finish doing her dirt before he got there? Really?”

He said… nothing. The trio on the sofa heard us come in and she looked up, saw me – smiled – and said, “Hey! Bring that dick over here and join the party!”

I said, “Hmm, okay, but, ah, how about inviting this guy right here while you’re at it?” The guy in his wife’s pussy said he didn’t mind and the gal being eaten said, “Shit, yeah – the more the merrier!”

His wife went apeshit crazy! She actually got off the sofa and got in his face over what I had said and what her two partners had agreed to and like it was his fault! I glanced at the two on the sofa and got the thought that not only were they more “regular” than the situation appeared, they, too, had probably been subjected to her venomous dialogs at some point; they just sat there and trying not to draw her ire.

She went to slap her husband… and I broke the rule about not getting in between a husband and wife fussing and fighting. I grabbed her hand in mid-swing and they both looked surprised and as she tried to pull away from me, I said, “Enough!” then turned to the two naked people on the sofa and said, “Time for you two to go – I need to have a conversation with these two… now, get in the wind!”

They hurry up and get redressed and out the door; I’m still holding her arm and when I let her go, yep, she took a swing at me which I easily blocked and I told her, “I don’t hit women but if you swing at me again, I will put you on your ass. Get over there and sit the fuck down!”

My friend is stunned because I intervened… and she went and sat the fuck down. He’s looking at me and I can’t decipher the look but I told him, “This bullshit needs to end… and it’s gonna end right the fuck now.”

And proceeded to read her the riot act. In retrospect, I shouldn’t have done it; it was none of my business but I couldn’t just stand there and let this travesty continue. I had her in tears pretty quickly as I told her how fucked up this was for both of them, that instead of shit going the way it had probably been going, things could be better for and between them if he was allowed to do what she’s obviously been doing – what’s good for the gander should be just as good for the goose and all that.

Her reason for not extending the courtesy? She was afraid that he’d get with someone else and leave her and I understood that but, as I pointed out to her, that didn’t explain or even excuse throwing her sexual proclivities in his face like this and not even considering that he might want to join in or, at the least, pursue his own interests. Then I told her that I sucked his dick and that seemed to change his whole mood and demeanor and, yeah, I regaled her with every nasty detail and it was funny to watch her face run through the gamut of emotions, from being totally pissed to… being excited.

I spent almost two hours talking to both of them and getting them to hash out an agreement between them. I understood what she said about her need for sex and I understood that she really didn’t have any complaints about his ability to provide her sex but I told her that if she was as smart as she thought she was, it should have occurred to her that, given that he was just as bisexual as she was, they could work together to take care of each other’s “extra needs” instead of this one-sided, heavy-handed crap she was laying on him and more so since, in reality, there was no real reason for them not to be on the same page about this.

Told her what my wife had laid on me and she did ask, “Weren’t you mad?” and I confirmed that I was beyond livid – but I let my intelligence work the situation rather than to let my emotions do that. It hurt, didn’t feel good, totally trashed everything I believed in… but we did it anyway because this was about the two of us doing whatever we had to do to make and keep each other happy… and to stay together.

“So, you two are gonna come to terms over this before I leave here; I am not going to take his word – or yours – that you’ve come to an agreement and I’m not here to witness it and, believe me: I will hold both of you to it and if you think I can’t or won’t, think again!”

Yeah… like I could really do that… but it sounded good and the important thing is that they believed me. While they talked, I called home and explained my absence to my wife and she was just as shocked over the scene we’d walked into as I was. She said, “Do what you gotta do, baby…”

Two more hours later, they hashed out an agreement; she wanted things to be more in her favor by telling him what he couldn’t do but I reminded her that it was blatantly unfair for her to prevent him from doing something she could do – and had been doing all along. I told them that trying to be equal in this was really a waste of time and energy but it was about working together to take care of these needs instead of one person doing their own thing and with no visibility or anything else that would make this situation more equitable and tolerable.

Yeah… I imposed my will upon both of them. I shouldn’t have done it but I did and I do have to say that if their relationship hadn’t gotten better because of my intervention, shit, I’d probably hate myself. But it did get better for them. Of course, since I worked with him, he’d tell me about the progress they were making with their relationship and that the rough spots I told them would happen did come up – but they worked through them.

“You scared the shit out of her that day,” he said to me one night when we were having dinner. “I’d never seen anyone make her back down before and it took me a couple of days to convince her that you weren’t gonna show up and kick her ass!”

“I’d never do that but I meant what I said to her; she swings at me again, I’m putting her on her ass,” I said. “Shit… I should have just minded my own business but I couldn’t just stand there and do nothing.”

“I understand,” he said. “Things are so much better now; there’s less stress, less tension, and she doesn’t yell and scream at me like she used to. Yeah… it took some doing for me to actually watch her getting laid and she admitted that it wasn’t easy for her to watch me having fun with someone else… but I think we’ve gotten past that, thanks to you.”

“Somebody had to do something about this,” I said, waving off his thanks. “She wasn’t gonna do it and you were too afraid to do anything to fix things. You two have been together too long just to let something like this fuck everything up when you both could have done something to keep it from getting all fucked up and thrown away… and, forgive me, but I wasn’t gonna let that happen.”

“I’m glad you didn’t and she is, too,” he said. “By the way, I’m supposed to ask you if you and your wife can come over for dinner Saturday.”

I said I’d check with my wife but for now, I thought we could and, no, I didn’t even ask him why we were being invited – I knew why and I’m sure you can guess why just as easily as I did…

 
Leave a comment

Posted by on 6 February 2020 in Today's Bisexual Thoughts

 

Tags: , , ,

Life, Living and Loving: Two Questions

When folks who knew us figured out what we were doing, there were two questions I’d get asked that weren’t easy to answer. The first was, “Why would you do this?” and the other is, “How can I/we do this?”

Explaining why we threw the rule book out wasn’t easy to explain. Sure, I could go through the chain of events from beginning to that particular moment and it would either make sense to some or leave others asking, “Okay, but why?”

Wait… didn’t I just spend all,this time explaining it to you and you can’t see why? Sheesh…

Worse were those folks who, after hearing whatever explanation version – long or as short as I could make it – would launch into a discussion of what they wouldn’t have done and why they wouldn’t have and their man/woman better not even think about bringing up some shit like that or (add a bunch of threats and other actions here).

Um, what part of this is what we decided to do didn’t you understand? Ya know, just because you think something shouldn’t be done doesn’t mean it can’t or shouldn’t be done.

I disliked being preached to and having people unnecessarily tell me what marriage is supposed to be and like I didn’t know it already. I had a decision to make and, yes, I did think about it a lot more than you think I did and I made the best decision given the situation and other conditions.

It’s not my fault if you’re not capable of that level of thought and you believe that throwing away a loving relationship is the best and only solution.

I got to the point where, admittedly, I’d do that husband thing and look like I’m paying attention when I really wasn’t. Probably me being rude but after a while, you get tired of explaining something and being told that there’s some shit I didn’t understand or my mother didn’t raise me right – and, yeah, someone actually said that.

And regretted it – don’t you ever talk about my mother like that.

So the naysayers got kinda/sorta ignored; the decision was made and it wasn’t going to get changed or revoked just because of that which you don’t believe in, okay? No? That’s your problem, not mine.

The other question. Very difficult to answer since there is no definitive way to do this; what works for one couple might not work for another. How do y’all do it? I really couldn’t tell those who asked without getting all into the dynamics of their relationship and, even so, I could think about how I’d do it if I were them… but I’m not.

That and there are too many variables and unknowns but, sure, I’d listen to what they had in mind and paying close attention to what was said, how it was said, and reading body language and maybe I’d wind up saying, “Well, maybe y’all shouldn’t try it until (add a bunch of reasons why they shouldn’t) but once you get this squared away between yourselves, yeah, it might work – or not.”

“What rules do we need?” You’re asking me like I know! I know what rules we needed and, I’ll say, we were “smart enough” to know that the rules might be subject to change and more so when there was no telling how we, as individuals, might change along the way or what we might run into that would require a change or two.

I could tell those interested what our rules were but that’s us; you’re gonna have to come up with your own rules but I’d suggest that they contain stuff like take care of home first, don’t bring anything home that you can’t deal with or otherwise accept the responsibility for and, most important, talk about everything and as openly as possible and in detail – nothing in this should be deemed as unimportant.

And finally – as well as ideally – whatever you decide to do should be about “us” and not just “me.” Oh, and good luck.

I’ve seen couples be successful… and I’ve seen them fail and for various reasons. Over the years, I’ve seen a lot of stuff out there about how to be open/poly/whatever and I really can’t say whether it’s good or bad stuff since this dynamic comes in many, many different flavors and, end of day stuff, it’s really about what a couple – together and individually – wants from this and with th sure knowledge that changes – or the need to,change something – is going to show up and has to be dealt with in some way.

“How do we pick people to be with us?” I dunno – what do you think? Got anyone in mind and have you talked about how you’re going to approach them and what might happen if your proposal is rejected? Today, there are websites for those looking to be poly with lots of like minded people but when we did this, those sites didn’t exist and, indeed, the World Wide Web was still in its infancy.

This situation got to a point where I’d tell hopeful couples, “Look – there are some things you gotta do like forgetting everything you’ve learned about being in a relationship so you can learn a whole new way of having one. You have to sit down and literally talk about everything and some of what you may hear isn’t going to be pleasant, if you’re being totally honest with each other – and I strongly recommend that you be 100% honest. You will or may discover that you’re not as grown-up as you think you are and, if so, don’t even try to go there.”

Can it be done? Yes. Should it be done? Well, that depends on y’all, doesn’t it? If after you’ve talked each other to death and find that you can’t, then don’t – but if you both believe you can make it work, well, give it a shot but remember this: It’s not going to run all by itself and you’re probably going to find yourself doing a lot more work to keep whatever you come up with working, alive, and well.

I identified these verifiable things: Communication, problem and conflict resolution, and time management. I’ve told folks, “If you don’t have these skills, learn them because you’re gonna need them – and get really good at them.”

Another key thing I learned: Dealing with negative emotions like jealousy,me by, possessiveness, selfishness, etc.; if you can, get rid of them because if any of these things show up, you’re gonna need those problem and conflict resolutions skills I mentioned. An example, if I may?

I talked with a couple who were interested in having an extended family and their plan sounded good at first until one of them said something that made me ask, “How do you think you’d feel knowing that your partner is being made love to? How’d you feel seeing it, seeing how they’re reacting to it and maybe in ways that they don’t react with you?”

Well, it seems they didn’t think about that in this context or maybe thought it was a no-brainer or whatever. What I know is that my questions changed the whole time of the conversation just by the looks on their faces and I said, “Yeah… that might be a problem, huh? Listen, I know that it sounds good on paper – you think you can handle it but I’m telling you that when you see it or otherwise know about it for the first time, wow – that can be a very major shock to the system and I’ll go as far as to say that this is normal… but it’s a reaction that you gotta get a grip on and under some kind of control because if you don’t, it will become a bigger problem. Even if you don’t witness it first hand, just them telling you – and honestly with every juicy detail – can invoke those negative feelings and that’s provided they don’t sugar coat any of it because they know ya might get totally bent out of shape.”

Some folks believed me and took this into consideration – and some didn’t… and you can probably guess about the results that were anything but nice and pretty.

It’s a lot of work just talking about it and it is a really complex thing to consider that includes thinking about stuff that may or may not even show up or happen days or even years down the road – it’s a lot to think about and that’s the level of thinking one person has to do and the other person has to do – then both of the come together and decide how “we” can do this crazy-ass thing as well as the individual stuff – W5H stuff.

For some, this is “easy…” but for some it’s anything but easy. If you don’t have a comprehensive plan in mind and in place, wow, just saying, “Let’s try it and see what happens!” might not work but, yeah, sometimes it does.

Some people just get lucky like that.

And, lest I forget the most difficult part, let me say it here: You still have to convince your partner that this is gonna be a good thing to do and that you both can benefit from stepping way out of the normal relationship box. You’re trying to convince someone who believes that relationships are supposed to be the way everyone says they’re supposed to be and there are those marriage vows to be considered… and now you’re asking them to think about – and agree to – something that’s not supposed to be done for any reason and, yeah, even if doing so will keep the relationship from going down the drain… but doing it might have the same result; it could be the best thing two people can do for themselves and each other or their worst nightmare made real.

And you don’t have to be married to face this situation since we treat unmarried relationships like it’s a marriage – same rules minus the need for lawyers.

Does that sound like something you’d be interested in? Do you think you could convince your partner? And as you can see, those two questions can generate more questions or put you in a position to answer some questions you’re probably not gonna want to answer – or you’re just gonna get sick and tired of answering them.

One other question I was asked: “What do your families think about this?” The answer? They thought we were crazy, to sum it up in one word.

 
2 Comments

Posted by on 21 December 2019 in Life, Living and Loving

 

Tags: , , ,

Life, Living and Loving: Non-monogamy

The older I get, the less sense being monogamous makes. I’ve been of a mind that I kinda/sorta understand why the rules insist that everyone be monogamous and everything I’ve looked into keeps pointing back to making babies and being able to control how that’s done – think of it as highly selective breeding.

We get this pounded into our heads via social programming and how it’s the worst thing in the world to, say, have a girlfriend and wanting to have more than one girlfriend; guys and gals who, while single, date several people “at the same time” are not looked at kindly and get told to pick one person and stick with them and if it doesn’t work out, go pick one person to try to make it work.

The push to be monogamous is so insidious that people who aren’t married but having a relationship are held to the same standards of behavior that married folks are; keep only unto yourselves, let no one put asunder and all that happy crappy. And we believe it; we live by it; and we get our heads all fucked up thinking and worrying about being cheated on and to the point where we get paranoid about it and, indeed, just assume that the person we’re with is, at some point, going to cheat on us… and we’re thinking that before we even agree to be with that person and in whatever way that’s gonna be.

We’re told how to be in love, i.e., only love one person at a time. Many people believe that once they fall in love, that’s it for them – it’ll never happen again, well, unless they become single again. We approach any relationship with the mindset that once we’re with that person, they are always going to be everything we will ever need for the duration of the relationship, well, right up to the moment when we find out that we can’t be, they can’t be, and that shit just doesn’t always and consistently work the way they say it’s supposed to.

So people cheat. They break up. They get all fucked up in the head about it and start asking why, what did they do to deserve this – I’m sure y’all know what I’m talking about here. I’ve seen women get cheated on and going forward, retreat into a shell and close themselves off or, if they get into another relationship, they’re highly paranoid about being cheated on again. I’ve seen men act some kind of way when they get cheated on and, yeah, sadly, violently so depending on the guy. Some guys “swear off” of women and some just say they ain’t ever gonna be in another relationship because you can’t be cheated on if you’re not in a relationship.

The thing is that before this was put into play, humans weren’t monogamous; just to be able to survive, doing it “as a group” was the best way to ensure survival and, yeah, that meant a lot of interaction of the carnal kind in the group until, as I’ve read, humans became more agrarious, taking a mate and kinda/sorta moving away from the crowd to farm, hunt, have babies and, oh, yeah, obey the religious mandate to do things like this or else.

But the very, very dead people who decided, for whatever reason, that everyone has to be monogamous probably thought that by mandating this and trying to enforce it would stop humans from being human and not want anything or anyone other than the person they chose to be with.

They were wrong, by the way – humans do not really work like that and there are many experts today who have discovered and are saying that being monogamous is an unnatural state for humans to be in, you know, given how much of a social animal humans are…

That and people change even though, when in a relationship, you’re made to become static and if you can’t stay static, well, pack your shit and leave before you get tossed out on your ass. Oh, there’s some interesting natural history shit behind this and in the area of sperm being plentiful… but eggs aren’t and if you understand what this means, you also understand why women are the way they are about giving up the booty although, today, it’s more of a knee-jerk reaction that’s been programmed in over our evolution and reinforced by young girls being told to only have sex with a man who is going to be devoted only to her, can provide for her, and loves her… and having sex without this very serious commitment is a very bad thing and, “really,” for anyone, male or female.

Somewhere in the 1950s, wife-swapping surfaced. Some things I’ve read say that this began with military personnel and their families and having been in the military, yeah, I can see why this might be true. It became more… prominent in suburbia and for reasons I don’t pretend to understand but it is what it was and all that – who doesn’t know about the movie, “Bob, Carol, Ted & Alice?” The practice of wife-swapping was seen to be so heinous that it eventually went underground – on the DL – and, I’m guess, found its way out of suburbia and spread almost everywhere.

Even I heard a lot of people saying that this shit didn’t make sense, that it was immoral, and in direct violation of marriage vows… even if you weren’t legally married and included those areas where common law marriages were allowed and recognized. It was unholy behavior that would result, if not called to a halt, in a very long vacation in a very, very hot place.

People today are still of a mind that there is no good reason for a couple to not be monogamous and because the rules say this is the only way to be given that fornication – that’s sex without being married – is a bona fide sin. What wasn’t – and isn’t – taken into consideration is that people do change; they find that they can be happy in a relationship and, oh, shit – someone will catch their eye, the chemistry that most people don’t really understand kicks in and they want to explore it… but they can’t… and while some people can shake this off, some people just can’t.

Relationships start out in a whirlwind of things; heady, spontaneous, mad crazy sex along with other expressions of deep love and affection and we believe that it’s always gonna be like that right up until “the honeymoon” is over. And how many people have been in a relationship and have found themselves asking, “How can we spice things up and recapture the heat and passion of when we met?”

Oh, the shit gets even deeper. We get so wrapped up in handling the business of being in a relationship that we can get tunnel vision – focused on only what’s in front of us – that we “forget” there are things we should be doing with each other, oh, like having sex and otherwise being emotionally intimate with each other. A lot of shit tends to form that even in the best of relationships, what they have isn’t really enough for them, although they may not be of a mind to say anything about it.

And, yeah, we do go about having relationships with a mindset that once it’s on its feet and running, it’s just gonna take care of itself and, again, the person we’re with should never, ever want anything or anyone other than that which we can provide them…

You know… if we’re in a mind to provide it. This mindset is so bad that I’ve seen and heard couples argue fiercely because the woman in the relationship wants to better herself – go to school, get a job, stuff like that, only to be shut down by the man who believes there’s no need for her to want or even think about such things – that bullshit about a woman’s place is in the home, barefoot and pregnant.

We assume, again, that once we fall in love or, um, have carnal desires for someone, it cannot happen again… and it does. Men and women find reason to stop having sex with each other even though the need to have sex is still there or, bluntly and as I have, myself, asked the woman I was in a relationship with, “If you’re not gonna fuck me, who’s supposed to?”

And the answer is forever and ever: “No one.”

Some people accept being made celibate… and some people ain’t trying to hear any of that… and infidelity is introduced. It’s not just the sex, although that’s a huge part of this dynamic – it’s the emotional succor that winds up missing as well. You love the person you’re with and you’re reasonably sure they still love you… and not showing or saying it. Have you ever gone to hug your partner and you feel their body stiffen up at first before relaxing… or remain stiff? If you, you’re seeing a bit of what I’m talking about.

How many people have asked their partner, “Why don’t you tell me that you love me?” Sure… the love is “implied” and once it’s there, uh, why keep talking about it; you know I love you, baby – don’t you? As such, we wind up getting emotionally disconnected from each other and then, one day, we run into someone we get emotionally connected to. Not love in that sense but it’s a void that’s being filled, for lack of a better phrase. We need those we are with to give a shit about us and when they don’t, that need doesn’t go away and, inevitably, either someone is going to come along and give it to us or we will remain “stuck” with someone who has, for various reasons (and some legitimate) become emotionally unavailable.

We do, in fact, run across people we’re just attracted to… when, by rule, we’re not supposed to be. It could be a sexual attraction or not so much but the fact remains that the attraction is felt and it’s both exciting and disturbing all at the same time. I’ve heard people say, “I shouldn’t feel the way I do about you!” and while that sentiment doesn’t mean any infidelity is gonna happen, it does make people wonder why the person they’re with isn’t doing such a good job of making them feel this way… and when it’s their “sworn duty” to do this 24/7 and without fail.

Yeah… people just don’t really work like that, do they?

Cheating. We worry about it. Have great angst about it. We ask why people do this heinous thing and I think I know the answer: When someone’s needs are not being met or otherwise ignored, well, something has to be done about it. Ideally and by rule, you’re supposed to go to the person you’re with to have those needs addressed and taken care of and if they do, fine… but if they don’t, well, that’s a problem.

“If you don’t take care of your man/woman, someone else can and will.” It’s a truism that we all are aware of – and if you weren’t, now you know – and knowing this scares the shit out of us. Some of us say and mean with great purpose that if you don’t like the way you’re being taken care of – or not, in this case – leave and go find someone who wants to be bothered with you – I ain’t got time to be holding your hand or whatever and you damned sure better not do that while we’re still together!

And some people do just that and by doing so, accepting the risks of loss and other nasty shit like violence or the involvement of lawyers. And you gotta wonder if this makes any sense to put each other in a position where some infidelity just might happen. How do you prevent cheating?

By removing the reasons and conditions under which will foster it. But we’re only human – we can only do so much to, with, and for each other. Most of us are aware that we’re doing shit – or not doing shit – that just might make the person we’re with cheat on us… and we dismiss it and say shit like, “They’d better not even think about cheating on me!” but they’re very unwilling to do anything to prevent it and, again, if you don’t like it, get the fuck out.

And, sometimes, that’s the thing that has to be done because once a person decides to stop doing those things that keeps a relationship alive, you’re never gonna change their minds about it and, really, if you decide to leave the relationship – or are told to leave – they’re of a mind to tell you to not let the doorknob hit you in the ass on the way out.

But sometimes leaving the relationship isn’t the thing that has to happen. There is still love in some form and, usually, financially it’s just not a viable option and, indeed, the relationship, as a whole, works well… except for some shit that’s missing, being ignored, whatever.

This is the part of this really long scribble where I usually ask, “What if you could get what you want and still keep what you already have? Would that be something you’d be interested in?”

Wanna guess what most people would say? Then, for extra credit, do you wanna guess why they’d answer in what I’d call a predictable manner – that would be “no fucking way!” if you were wondering.

What a lot of people are learning is that monogamy sucks. It has its good points and a whole lot of bad ones. And – gasp – some couples (in particular) decide that the rules of monogamy just ain’t helping them as a couple and definitely doing nothing for them as individuals. Cheating? Eh, no one wants to do that… and now I’m talking about having your cake and eating it and a whole lot of it, too. You can defeat infidelity by eliminating it from the relationship and, wisely, under controlled conditions because, um, there’s no getting away from the need to have rules.

Do you know why people don’t do this or fail at it? Because we don’t know how to do it although we do know how to love more than one person at a time – we were taught to do this as we were growing up, believe it or not and more so if you had siblings as well as other family members. No, I’m not talking about the “I” word – just that we’re taught to have positive feelings for those who are around us – then told to narrow that down to one person because the rules demand this.

And we abide by it even when everything we are is screaming at us that this ain’t working as advertised. True enough, some people resort to cheating because, to them, it’s the only way.

But it isn’t… and many people are finding this out and, yeah, I found out a long time ago that monogamy ain’t all that and that more often than not, it creates more problems than it has to the ability to solve and the solution is, oddly, to be monogamous… and not so much and, in this, very ideally and I think very necessary, if it’s good for the goose, it’s good for the gander… provided you can convince them that staying together – but not really being monogamous, is not only a good thing for them but a good thing for “us.”

Hmm… how many of you are reading this and thinking this is a bunch of bullshit? How many of you are reading this and saying, “Yeah, but…” and are thinking of all the reason why something like this shouldn’t happen and there’s no reason for it to happen? And, as I tend to do when I scribble about this, ask yourself why you’re thinking like this and, more extra credit, I’ll even point out to you that if you’re thinking this is bullshit or otherwise impossible and undoable, um, perhaps you don’t realize or are aware that these thoughts aren’t really your own.

They were given to you and you are actually believing something that isn’t as true as you were told it is. You don’t have to believe me and I wouldn’t blame you if you didn’t because, once upon a time, I believed the same thing you did about this… and I found out that I was sadly mistaken about that which I believed in. I’m not saying it’s outright wrong – it’s just not as correct as we’ve been told.

There are those of you reading this who will say, “I’d never do some shit like that!” as well as, “I don’t believe in that shit!” and that’s all well and good; you are more likely to dispose of someone – and, perhaps, someone you shouldn’t let get away from you – than to give a single thought of stepping out of the box our social morality has put us into to not only keep them but to keep growing as in individual.

Just ask yourself why you don’t believe in such a thing then consider the source of your belief and maybe, just maybe, all this shit I’ve been writing will start to make sense. Now, not being 100% monogamous does have its bad points because we don’t know how not to be 100% monogamous but, yeah, people are smart and adaptable and do figure it out how to make this immoral thing work for them.

It’s not for everyone and I’ll even admit there were times once monogamy packed its bags and left that I wished we’d never agreed to not be monogamous… but it was less problematic than being cheated on and otherwise deceived. The hardest thing for me? Admitting that I really wasn’t and couldn’t be all that she wanted and needed and lemme tell you that saying that it hurt doesn’t even begin to cover how I felt to find this out. But, logically, “getting rid” of her was out of the question and beating her to a pulp was even more out of the question and I found myself saying the equivalent of, “If you can do it, I can do it, too.”

Because nothing else made sense. And it worked… and sometimes didn’t. It was the best thing I’ve ever done and the worst thing. The most sensible thing… and the craziest thing ever. Yet and still, I learned a lot about myself and my wife and things that, had infidelity hadn’t come to pay us a visit, I would have never learned and I sure wouldn’t have seen the flaws in the tenets of monogamy. It’s idealistic at best but in application, it just does not always work the way it’s supposed to – it’s how some long dead people decided we needed to behave… and not so much how we can behave if left to our own devices, oh, like having a partner and having other partners join in the fun – and headaches – right along with us, from just getting laid because that’s what works for the moment to the establishment of an extended family that employs some parts of monogamy while throwing away most of it.

So that we can be happy, not only with ourselves but with the person we’re with. We avoid this like the plague; we assume that suffer loss is a better option. Hell, some people get into this and still fret over loss or behave as if it’s not ever supposed to happen but the fact is nothing is forever.

Nothing. The moment you decide to join with someone else, the loss is implied – the risk is very real and we do go out of our way to prevent it… and not so much. We do, indeed, throw up shields around ourselves and do shit – or don’t do shit – that we think is going to keep that other person by our side until death do us part. Experience does shit to us that makes us say, “I love you – but I don’t love you that much…” or we decide that there are things we will not and cannot do “simply” for the sake of love.

And as such, many of us are in miserable relationships or not in a relationship at all… and all because we believe in something that isn’t as true as purported to be and just as we believe that those rules we’re held to are inviolate and can’t be changed.

But don’t we also hold true that rules are made to be broken and breaking them ain’t always a bad thing? What… allowing your spouse to have a lover is dishonorable on their part for wanting one in the first place? Well, aren’t you being just as dishonorable when you refuse to give them that which they need, that your vow of “for better or worse” has gone by the wayside and because of that which you don’t believe in? Haven’t you lied like a rug when you’ve told someone you love, “I’d do anything for you because I love you…” and then there’s some shit you won’t do and love for them be damned?

Do we not put conditions on love when love, in and of itself, is unconditional? Okay… I’m not gonna go rob a bank or kill someone because that’ll make my lady really happy but if she wanted something I couldn’t provide for her and someone else could, well, hmm, why not make it possible for her to have it… even if it means I might wind up losing her? If we take this from being about “me” to being about “us,” might that work toward keeping us together despite what we may or may not be doing individually and, wait – isn’t it possible that we can even do that together?

It is possible. We just don’t believe that it is because we’re not supposed to believe it. Ever been cheated on? Ask yourself – truthfully – how and why it happened and even if you are fairly sure that you did nothing to allow infidelity to come visit. Ever ask yourself what you could have done – or what your ex-partner could have – should have – done to keep cheating from knocking on the door and ruining everything?

And do you know, understand, or even think that the one thing you’ve been told never to do for any reason could have kept the two of you together, you know. How do you prevent cheating? Remove the reasons why it can happen. We believe that it’s better to beg forgiveness than to ask permission because it’s assumed that we can never get permission so we don’t ask – because the answer is usually, “You’re out of your fucking mind!”

But what if giving each other permission is the thing that will keep you together? What if being able to share this with each other will result in the two of you loving and appreciating each other more?

Would that be something you might be interested in? Here’s the sad part: Most of us wouldn’t be and I think you know know why… but does it really make sense?

People are learning quickly and “in droves” that it really doesn’t. Your relationship is only going to be as good as you are willing to make it so what are you willing to do to make and keep it as good as it can be?

Not much, as it turns out.

 
8 Comments

Posted by on 18 December 2019 in Life, Living and Loving

 

Tags: , ,

Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: A Major Shift

One of the advantages of being bisexual for as long as I’ve been is being able to see the “then versus now” picture and how the dynamic has changed over the decades of my existence and what I’ve been seeing has been fascinating to watch.

A guy wrote on the forum yesterday about the scarcity of men who want more than the much-despised blow and go and he was wondering – and like a lot of guys seem to be doing today – what the hell is up with that. I’m guessing this is being seen as a problem when, from where I’ve been sitting, it represents a change in the dynamic that is having some growing problems and pains.

Time for yet another of those back in the day moments I know y’all just love seeing…

When a guy wanted to have sex of some kind with another guy, well, that’s all that was wanted in the majority of times but, sure, if you got with a guy and it was the bomb, getting together again was quite negotiable and doable but even that fell short of being committed to being returning customers. While it wasn’t what I’d call unusual for two guys to go back to each other when time and other circumstances allowed, if it didn’t happen like that, it wasn’t that big of a deal so it was on to the next guy who’d be interested.

Indeed, back then, a lot of guys would stipulate that being in something that remotely resembled a relationship was out of the question. For one, a lot of guys were already hooked up with a woman and, for another, a lot of guys saw having a “boyfriend” as being too gay for their sensibilities and, besides, it was really about scratching this particular itch more than anything else – it just was the way it was and while some guys would “complain” about a lack of returning customers, eh, there was just too many dicks out there to really be concerned with this.

If you got with a guy and you never saw each other again, no biggie; you got what you wanted from each other and when it was needed and, again, it’s now about waiting or looking for the next opportunity.

If I remember correctly, it wasn’t until somewhere in the early 1990s when I started to see guys getting into that Friends With Benefits thing so that they could get the dick they wanted without appearing to be in a relationship and with the understanding that “free agency” was a given, meaning, you could have that “steady” friend you could throw it down with but that didn’t mean you had to turn down other guys who you’d be interested in getting with. For guys already in a relationship, this “all of the benefits but none of the responsibilities” thing worked well since, duh, most of their focus had to be on the relationship they were already in with someone.

It was NSA sex with just a bit of exclusivity of a kind; if that little voice in your head said, “I need some dick…” you could call your friend, see if he was available and, if so, arrange a time to meet to scratch each other’s itch but, sure, okay – if you happened to come across a guy in the meantime, that worked as well.

Yes, some guys were quite keen to have that one guy they could go to when it was time to answer the call of cock but if it couldn’t go down like that, well, that sucks… but that’s okay because, really, the only thing that actually mattered was being able to find a guy who was willing to have sex with you.

Then the dynamic changed and, I think, in a major way. Guys started turning their backs on casual hookups and, at least for the M2M dynamic, FWB started to take on a new meaning and with a new and mandatory requirement: Exclusivity. A lot of guys cited and, I feel, correctly so that safety in these things was paramount and there’s a lot of good sense in this… except that blow and go thing was still very much the predominant thing to do. So while it made sense to have a single source of cock, the fly in the ointment was, um, not many guys were interested in establishing a relationship kind of thing and, indeed, if you were looking for more than just a hard dick to play with, it was a deal breaker.

Today, if you’re not interested in being someone’s exclusive FWB, this is now a major deal breaker and safety isn’t the only concern. I get it; guys are – or should I really say still – very much into the emotional aspects of being bisexual and more today than at any other time I can recall. You see, it wasn’t always just about getting some dick and calling it a day; a lot of guys even back in the day were in it for the emotional content as well but, okay, if some other guy wasn’t feeling that, it was a bummer but not one of those “end of the world” kind of things.

A lot of guys, for all intents and purposes, want a boyfriend and a guy who is going to be exclusively committed to them, not just physically but emotionally as well. I’d not say that this is a bad thing but the “problem” I see is that male bisexuality is still very much in that now-despised blow and go/NSA/casual mode so finding a guy who is more likely to want to be an exclusive FWB is a bit of a rarity.

The dynamic appears to be headed in that direction and I find it utterly fascinating because it’s beginning to resemble normal relationship behaviors including a bastardized form of monogamy. Guys are saying, “If you’re not gonna be into me, you ain’t gonna get into me!” and they are adamant about it from a safety point of view… but more from an emotional one. The thing about change that is so aggravating is that is slow to happen and now you have a lot of guys wondering why they can’t find that exclusive boyfriend in an environment that, until now, never worked like that.

It’s the reason why I see a lot of guys saying that they can’t find another guy to have sex with… and what they’re really saying is that they can’t find a guy who’s ready, willing, and able to be their exclusive boyfriend and the mindset currently is that this is the way it has to be.

Do you recall that some time ago, I scribbled about bisexuality appearing to be more “normalized” and that bi guys are of a mind to deal with men and sex in the same way they’ve always dealt with women and sex? As men – and what we know – is how and what we have to do in order to convince a woman that being by our side isn’t going to be a bad thing for them to do. We date women, woo them, try to get into their panties and, um, let’s say most of the time, that last thing ain’t gonna happen unless girlfriend feels that you’re going to be committed to her and she’s just not gonna be another notch in your belt.

And bi guys, oddly and, perhaps, strangely enough, are behaving the same way which kinda makes sense because this is something we know… and the problem is whether or not this knowledge actually works when dealing with other bisexual men… and, apparently, it’s not working and the changes in the dynamic aren’t happening fast enough to make a whole lot of men happy.

Don’t get me wrong here: Some guys do find Mr. Right… but there are still a gazillion Mr. Right Nows out there who want all the sexual pleasure they can and not of a mind to do so in a relationship kind of way. Making this even more complicated are those men who are currently in a relationship and having their desire for cock handled in a relationship setting and, I think, creating a mudslide of sorts where exclusivity and monogamy are concerned and begging the question of whether one is within their rights to demand exclusivity from another guy while not being monogamous with their current partner. You’d think this would be one hell of a disconnect and it is… and it’s fascinating to see how guys are trying to make this disconnect go away… and, for the most part, failing.

It’s almost like some guys are trying to “blend”monogamy and polyamory and those two things just do not play well with each other although, in a poly mode, there is emphasis on maintaining the core relationship but in order to do that, um, there has to be a core relationship and that usually means that both people in the relationship are onboard with not being wholly monogamous.

Yeah… can you see the clusterfuck that’s in play? I can. What escapes me is I don’t know why this is happening the way it is. Well, wait – that’s not true because I get it so what I really scratch my head about is why guys think this should – and is going to – work the way they want it to, that and it has to happen immediately if not sooner.

While other men – and their relationship status notwithstanding – just want to have sex with another guy, nothing more, nothing less. Bringing bisexuality into a more “normal” range of interaction does make sense and if only to allow people to stop seeing bisexuality as being weirdly different from how others interact and by others I mean hetero- and homosexuals who are all about finding and establishing a relationship and, yeah, even when they’re already in one.

Somewhere down the road, all of this might settle down… but that’s later and some guys need the whole thing to settle down right this very moment and that’s not likely to happen. A lot of guys are still very much of a mind that there are way too many cocks and asses out there to get “tied down” with just one cock and ass and more so when, really, they don’t have to if they don’t want to.

Guys who are looking for their Mr. Right almost all say that safety is the most important issue and I’d agree… to a point and I think I remember saying, the last time I scribbled about this, that even in an exclusive FWB mode, you just do not and cannot know where the other guy’s dick has been when you’re not getting it. Guys are being expected to be faithful in the EFWB mode and, honestly, that’s unrealistic and even more so when a guy is already in a relationship and being unfaithful should he be giving guys a test drive to determine compatibility and acceptability as an exclusive male sexual partner.

I see this… and I just shake my head over it. I’m never gonna say that a guy is wrong for wanting a Mr. Right of his own. Likewise, I’m never gonna say that a guy is wrong for just wanting to get some dick and get in the wind and maybe even never to pass that way again should this fit his purposes.

Once upon a time, only gay men “dated” and courted each other and for them, it makes sense and they’re really not being any different from straight folks who date for the purposes of establishing a relationship. Bi guys, well, the early version, didn’t “date” guys; we met, hooked up, got together or just hung out and if the dicks came out and got hard, okay – I won’t tell if you won’t. Now guys are losing their minds over not being able to date, have almost the same dislike of those men who just wanna have sex and leave it at that as some women do and, yeah, it makes sense because who really likes being treated as just a piece of ass and, as such, being in a situation where you’re not gonna be just another piece of ass is seen as the better alternative.

The problem, of course, is that right now, those guys are in the minority albeit one that is growing. Establishing any kind of relationship takes time and effort and some guys just ain’t feeling that. Why bother with working toward being into a guy just so you can have sex when it’s still possible to have sex with a guy without any being into involved?

Why buy the whole cow when you’re already getting the milk for free? Sound familiar? It should and I think you already know why it sounds familiar.

It just fascinates me to see this at work. Is it a good or bad thing? I don’t know but what I do know is that there are a lot of very unhappy bisexual men out there who can’t seem to find their Mr. Right and even unhappier about all the Mr. Right Nows that are out there… and I just do not find this to be unusual or horribly problematic since this bi guy thing has – or was – historically about the dick and not much more than that.

And if you happen to be wondering about it, there are a lot of bisexual women in this exact same situation and there doesn’t appear to be a solution or some kind of resolution in sight.

 
2 Comments

Posted by on 14 November 2019 in Today's Bisexual Thoughts

 

Tags: , , , ,

Life, Living and Loving: The Rant

I see people having all kinds of relationship woes; I see people who can’t have one or can’t keep one going for any appreciable amount of time because of infidelity. I see people totally disheartened because a good relationship is starting to circle the drain and nothing they can do will stop it.

I see people in decent relationships looking for that fiery spice that they hope will recapture the intense heat experienced in the early days of their relationships; I see relationships get shattered because someone discovers bisexuality – or reveals it in that time-honored aspect of being open and honest with their partner. I see people who have… desires, wants, and needs that are ignored and disallowed…

And all because we’re stuck in place when it comes to relationships, living by a set of rules that a lot of people get around to understanding don’t work the way they’ve been told they do – and have to. They experience it, have their relationships trashed and/or irreparably broken and instead of being together and enjoying their lives to the fullest extent possible, they wind up just being two people who just live together. Maybe they get around to talking – or arguing – about the sorry state of their relationship, pointing the finger at each other and assigning blame… but not laying any blame for their situation on the rules they’ve been told to live by and no matter the cost and those rules say that if you can’t live by those rules, throw the relationship away and start over.

Why do people cheat? The answer is a lot simpler than you might think, e.g., any time someone’s needs aren’t being taken care of, denied or ignored, cheating can happen. It doesn’t always happen; some people are “happy” to keep being miserable, unfulfilled, etc., because the rules say that there’s nothing you can do about it other than to, again, pack your shit and get in the wind.

Those rules are so pervasive in our existence that you don’t have to be legally married to someone to be bound by these rules and rules, by the way, that are often open to interpretation and/or taken out of context; one person has their own idea of what these rules mean and even when you try to give them some different insight about them, you get into one of my now-famous “Yeah, but…” moments because we tend to stick with what we believe over what the reality of a situation is.

It’s not supposed to be; this is the way it’s always been done; I don’t believe in this, that, or the other; you know that others are twisting, bending, and even breaking these rules and you’re content to say that maybe, just maybe, this makes sense to the people involved to you, it never will and you don’t care if your relationship winds up committing suicide as long as your beliefs are intact.

And you gotta ask yourself if this really makes sense in the year of our Lord 2019. Maybe you have asked yourself if it makes sense; maybe you’ve determined that it doesn’t make sense. Maybe you start to realize that you’ve been trying to do things by a set of rules created by a bunch of very dead people who couldn’t envision what the future would be like… but maybe they could in a way because those rules also carry some dire consequences for breaking them so those rules, supposedly handed down by God, are enforced with fear; break them and die a horrible death… then burn in hell or purgatory for the rest of eternity.

And centuries after all this got laid down, we still believe this or, sometimes, if we don’t really believe it, we err on the side of caution – let’s not tempt fate just in case that burning in hell thing is for real. In the process, we get into relationships and, at some point, just fuck them up or let them get fucked up… because the rules are what they are and we believe what we believe…

And many of us sit around wondering why we’re not as happy as the fairy tale – something else we believe and take on faith – says we should be. We don’t always stop and think about the fact that any relationship we may find ourselves in is only going to be as good as we can make it… and we are strangely opposed to this even though it is implied and even sworn to that we are bound by honor and duty to make our relationships as good as they can be… except, we all have different ideas on what that’s supposed to mean as well as we pay much more attention to those things we’re not ever going to do, whether based upon prior experiences or their beliefs supposedly cannot ever allow them to do.

If you’re not as happy in your relationship – and if you even have one – then that’s your problem and one that only had one approved resolution. The United States of America has, for the longest time, led the world in the number of divorces and if you live here, that should tell you something and it should disturb you, oh, like, this is gonna be your fate when you keep playing the game by a set of rules that aren’t as applicable as they were when they were created.

Here’s the thing: A lot of us know these rules suck donkey dick; we know that what probably worked in those BC days of our history don’t work that well today. Yes, some people make them work… but at what cost to them? That “happily ever after” shit is just that… because the onus for this is solely on the shoulders of those who dare to relate in this fashion and instead of doing whatever they have to do to create their own happily ever after situation, they’d rather keep believing how this fairy tale is supposed to be… then find themselves all by themselves and wondering what the fuck went wrong.

What went wrong is that you were following and believing a set of archaic, outdated rules that, today, only serve to set you up to fail… or making you so miserable it ain’t even funny.

Even when some of us figure this out, there’s another problem: It’s not hard to figure out what to do… but we don’t know how to do it. Some people get lucky; they take the rulebook and toss it in the trash and make up a new set of rules and that’s works… except, they never really get rid of that damned rulebook or their belief in that rulebook.

I sometimes sit here and read how some folks got smart and got rid of the rulebook; they realized that it’s up to them – and not that stupid fairy tale – to make and keep each other happy and sometimes they fail catastrophically because, in my opinion – and maybe in others – they forget that this relationship thing, even when it gets changes, is still about both of them. You’ve allowed each other to look for and get both sexual and emotional succor from others? Great! Wait… one person is having more fun in this than the other? Oh, hell, no – that’s not supposed to happen!

And another promising relationship gets ripped to shreds and discarded because of selfishness, jealousy, envy and other such negative emotions that do, in fact, have their roots in the rulebook that was previously discarded. I say time and time again that if a couple is going to be smart enough to reshape the rules in their favor, thinking “me” and not “us” ain’t gonna cut it. Yes… it can be good for the individual but the goodness should never stop there since, um, what’s usually good for the individual can be good for the relationship; think “happy wife, happy life” and perhaps you’ll have an idea of what I’m talking – er, ranting about.

They say it can’t be done. They say it shouldn’t be done. They say that if you do it, disaster awaits you as well as going to hell wearing kerosene drawers, you sinful heathens. All in denial of the fact that it can be done and, in many cases, should be done and disaster is only going to show its ugly face if the people involved don’t do some very serious work to make sure that disaster never shows up.

Why is your man/woman cheating on you or thinking about it? Because they need something that either you can’t provide for them… or you just won’t provide it and they’re not of a mind to sacrifice their sanity on the alter of those stupid rules that don’t always ensure anyone’s happiness.

Where did the fire go in your relationship? Complacency, for the most part. Who among us have never had that, “What can we do to spice things up?” conversation? Maybe we’ve tried to spice things up within the confines of the rules and, at best, the added spice is temporary before complacency sets back in. Maybe a bit of rule bending is offered for consideration? Oh, no… we can’t do that… can we? We’re not supposed to and this is one of those crazy moments when rewriting the rules actually makes sense… but we’re afraid to do it. We fear loss; we fear retribution; we fear being shunned by our peers and, yes, we even fear for our immortal souls for breaking the faith and the rules…

And millions of couple languish and wallow in depressive states; good relationships are allowed to suffer an early death and all because we keep playing by rules that continues to prove that they just do not work. We’d rather let an amazing love go to shit because of these rules and, again and again, I gotta ask if allowing that to happen really and truly makes any sense.

Honor, you say? You promised or swore before God and company to stick by the rules no matter what? Let no one put asunder… even if you’re not married? Keep only unto yourself and for better or worse? What can be worse than two people in a relationship and they feel they are powerless to take their lives and fates into their own hands and, uh, fuck the rules?

When are we going to learn that the people who set the rules up are a long time dead… and the people who are charged with enforcing them don’t give a shit about you and your partner – all they care about is the rules and, yeah, the control they have over everyone who’s been made to believe the rules and, oh, yeah, might I be allowed to point out to you that some of those who enforce the rules don’t, themselves, play by them?

The minister who stands in the pulpit every Sunday preaching about the wages of sin… but wasn’t he seen last night at the club with a woman… and it wasn’t his wife? Ministers of faith all over the world who preach fire and brimstone against the sin of homosexuality… but, when no one is looking, they’re committing the same sin they’ve promised you’re gonna die and to to hell for. Governments that are sworn to uphold the laws of the land and to the letter of those laws… while breaking every last one of them because it suits their needs and purposes to do so… while standing ready to hand your head to you if you were to do as they do.

Rules are made to be broken, a sentiment we live by because it’s true… except when it comes to preserving or reestablishing a happy environment in our relationships. We won’t bat an eye if we’re doing 75 in a 65 zone even though we’ll have an eye out for the cops… but we’ll let our man/woman suffer great depression, allow them to feel empty and worthless and without purpose when it’s within our power to not allow this to happen to them. We even turn into a bunch of hypocrites when we tell our partner that we love them and would do anything for them to make and keep them happy… but we won’t do anything that could ensure this and, really, not make us a liar of sorts.

I see all of this shit. I know about it. Been there. Experienced it. And I keep asking myself why do we keep doing this shit to each other when, most of the time, we know we shouldn’t. How many of us have been out and about, going about our business and minding it… and then you see someone who really gets your attention, maybe gets your blood to start simmering and piquing your curiosity… and you banish the thought because those fucking rules say that it’s what you’re supposed to do… and while you do banish it, you might even wonder why you should?

Because it’s the way you feel, even in that moment. How many of us have gotten close to a person… and going out of our way not to get too close to them… and it doesn’t feel right and then you start thinking about all the trouble you could get into because you were “too close” to them?

It’s because those fucking rules imply that you’re not ever supposed to think, feel, or do anything when you’re feeling something for someone else and, yeah, this gets so fucked up in practice that we will alienate our friends and family – or be made to – and because of what the rules say about not letting anyone put asunder. How about the gazillion of bisexuals in the world and in a relationship… and completely unable to do a damned thing about the way they’re feeling about both men and women? If “Sarah” would be the happiest wife/girlfriend in the world if she could have a girlfriend, someone she could confide in and, yes, someone she could have sex with, why does her man go out of his way to deny her this and thinking that the solution to her “problem” is to throw more dick at her or, worse, start mentally and physically abusing her and all because of some shit he doesn’t believe in?

And we allow this shit to happen… when it’s in our power to not allow it to happen. Why? Why do we continue to believe that we have the right to make someone else a miserable wretch when, supposedly, we’re not supposed to do that?

Read this rant and you’ll see why. Maybe you agree with it, maybe you don’t… and if you don’t, ask yourself why you don’t and you might see that you’re not alone in your assessment that you don’t believe in shit like this… and that maybe you need to rethink some shit and more so if you’re stuck in a relationship that isn’t going well or a relationship that got trashed because no one in the relationship was willing to do whatever had to be done to preserve it and keep it alive.

Go ahead. Ask yourself why you don’t believe that you should rewrite the rules so that you and the person you allegedly love can be happy together and be of sound mind and body. People do it and they succeed at it; ask Jennifer, who has been patiently waiting for this rant. Ask any of the bloggers on this site who have taken the rulebook and tossed it – and created their own rules and rules that will do more to ensure that their needs – and the needs of their partner – can be addressed and taken care of… and just like it should be done… and in way that the fucking rules don’t allow you to.

Thus endeth the rant. Agree or don’t. Change your life and relationship if you can or let it die and when, chances are, it doesn’t need to suffer an early death.

 
3 Comments

Posted by on 22 September 2019 in Life, Living and Loving

 

Tags: , ,

Life, Living and Loving: When Rules Attack!

First, a few things about alternative relationships. People form relationships, follow the rules of monogamy, and think that things not only won’t change, they’re not supposed to change; whatever the prevailing conditions are, that’s what you have to work with which is fine, right, and proper.

But Change is an unstoppable beast – a force of nature, if you will. Humans don’t much like change – we are creatures of habit and once we adopt a habit of any kind, changing it – stopping, modifying its behavior, etc., isn’t easy to do and the way we go about relationships is a habit as well as a decree set down by some very long-dead peoples who decided that the way we were living – think of polyamorous groups/clusters that were conducive to survival – was just plain wrong and that settling down – and staying down – with just one person was gonna be the best way to do things going forward.

Even way back in those very early days, um, that shit didn’t quite work the way they said it should and, many centuries later, it still doesn’t quite work the way they said it should because the one thing I think those rule makers never really took into consideration is Change except to mandate that if Change does come to visit and certain changes were needed, your only recourse was – and still is – to reject any such changes, dissolve the relationship, and try your luck again and, hopefully, with someone who wouldn’t be swayed by Change and who was quite fearful of the consequences of having the audacity to want things to change.

Even as far back as the 1950s – and for the purposes of this scribble it’s the time I arrived kicking and screaming into the world – things like wife swapping were all the rage in suburbia although I suspect that it was always on the DL since the first couple who broke the rules looked at each other and said, “This shit ain’t working – so what are we gonna do?”

Ah, those blasphemous, hedonistic heathens! Being non-monogamous while still being officially a couple? Not playing by the rules and rules that not only applied to the legally married but to anyone in a relationship? Impossible! Never to be done! All manner of fire and brimstone will be visited upon you shameless sinners!

Yet, despite all the ruckus, alternative relationships kept right on going, maybe not as much of a “mainstream thing” but, yeah – couples in a relationship were becoming more aware of the fact that the rules we were meant to live by and at all costs just weren’t allowing a couple to be as happy with their conjoined lives as they could be.

But figuring out how to bypass the rules isn’t easy because what you want is to have your cake and eat it, too… and there were no instruction manuals on how to do this, leaving people to their own devices to bend, twist, and even break the rules and make this non-monogamous thing work.

Enter the nitroglycerin and a habit that was developed to prevent something that is anathema to us all: Losing the person we’re with. Some really smart folks, way back in the day, figured out that if you got rid of the rules, you needed new rules to take their place and since the original set of rules supposedly were able to prevent loss of this type (not counting dying, of course), well, any new rules had to be able to do this… and this is where things got iffy and, yes, I’m understating things.

An unmarried couple makes the decision to open their relationship so that a MFF threesome can happen; the guy in the relationship – and for whatever reason made sense to him – thought it would be hot as fuck for his girlfriend to have sex with another woman… but the girlfriend, eh, wasn’t really feeling that but, okay, let’s give it a try. He arranges the threesome, they all jump into bed and his girlfriend starts having sex with the other woman… and, who knew – she liked it and dove in with a gusto, leaving the boyfriend in a spectator mode. He didn’t like that, got mad because he was being summarily ignored and even madder because his girlfriend was having way too much fun than he was… and broke her jaw in three places.

A married couple decided that opening their relationship was a better option than getting a divorce but the husband, who feared losing his wife to any guy who could make love, have sex, or fuck her better than he could, stuck in rules that would allow him to control what his wife could and couldn’t do – and in this case, one rule was that she could suck all the cock she wanted to… but couldn’t partake of the other guy’s sperm in that fashion. They engaged with another couple, things were going well; the wife was happily sucking away on the other guy’s cock and he lost his load and the wife happily partook of it since, in her mind, this was what she wanted to do (among other things). Because she broke the rules, they were divorced a few months later. He contended that, for one, she had planned to break the rules and that she wasn’t paying the required amount of attention to know when the other guy was going to cum – and she should have known this and dutifully stopped sucking him; that the guy wasn’t able to hang on to his load was deemed not to be his fault. So a ten-year marriage that, up to that point, had been going very well got thrown away.

Another married couple opened their marriage and with a lot of rules designed to prevent loss of the relationship but to also control each other’s behavior, i.e., only pre-approved and supervised activities were allowed and any spontaneous activities were prohibited. That meant that if the wife or husband ran into someone who pushed all of their buttons to make sex happen right away, nothing was supposed to happen. The husband – and the one who pushed for supervised sex – wound up in such a situation and handled the matter and as it called for. The wife found out and, bluntly, tried to kill him by stabbing him in his sleep for the rules violation; he spent months in the hospital recovering and she wound up being a guest of the state for a number of years.

Yet another couple decided to do this rather than dissolve their relationship but the guy, knowing of his lady’s desire for, ah, people of color, prohibited her from exploring this avenue. Another spontaneous “shit just happened” moment found her with a man of color and when her boyfriend found out hours later, he threw her out of their home, turning his girlfriend of many years into a destitute homeless person.

Another couple went for the gusto but the woman, who argued for this change was told that she could not partake of any cock that was bigger than his and let’s say that he wasn’t as endowed as he would have liked to be. They didn’t have a rule against spontaneous interactions… so when one happened, that wasn’t the reason why their relationship went down the toilet – it was because the guy she fucked had a cock that was, reportedly, only about an inch bigger than her man’s dick.

All up and down the line, people who try on alternative relationships tend to make similar mistakes that either makes the attempt fail and/or destroys an otherwise good relationship: Trying to prevent loss and trying to control how they have sex with others. On top of such restrictive and suppressive rulemaking, the other mistake often made is trying to be monogamous in a situation where monogamy cannot work; it’s kinda hard to “keep only unto yourself” when you’re trying to do the opposite.

One couple decided they wouldn’t exactly be open but they’d have an approved boyfriend or girlfriend and while this was deemed to be a fair thing to do, both people in the relationship inserted nitroglycerin-laced rules to limit when they could have sex with their new partners, how they could do it, stuff like that. The husband felt that the rules imposed were being violated by the wife who was having sex with her new boyfriend like there was no tomorrow… but not finding any fault in himself as he was banging his new girlfriend in a similar manner. Further compounding the problem was the fact that the new girlfriend and boyfriend were having sex with each other and going for all the gusto. The alternative relationship was dissolved and the marriage was obliterated six months later with both parties pointing the finger at each other for rules violations.

A woman asked for and got permission to have a girlfriend and it was agreed that the girlfriend could be shared with the boyfriend. Things got off to a stunning start; the chemistry between the three of them was amazing until the girlfriend started to feel that she was being left out of things and unhappy that her boyfriend and their girlfriend were having more and better sex than she was. In this case, no rules were violated but more baser things were in play – jealousy, possessiveness, envy, self-loathing, etc., and as a result, the alternative relationship was terminated because things weren’t going the way she envisioned they would.

Another couple set themselves upon this path and with the non-negotiable rule that no feelings other than lust take place. After months of engaging with her male partner of choice, she found that she was in love with him and he with her and the nitro went off big time; she was guilty of a major rules violation and was sent packing… but it was discovered later that the woman he had been involved with, well, he was in love with her but neglected to mention this. Their relationship went to shit because of these violations and eventually went down the drain.

Another couple set off the nitro they put in their alternative relationship because they both spent more time being with others than they did taking care of business at home. The problem here wasn’t exactly a rules violation but something that happened because a rule wasn’t put in place, namely, take care of home first. Since they didn’t have this rule, the relationship didn’t survive the resulting explosion when the nitro went boom.

In all of these real-life examples, copious amounts of nitroglycerin were added to the relationship mix and shook up in a way that would guarantee that the whole thing was going to blow up in everyone’s face because of micromanaging something that really shouldn’t be micromanaged.

There should be rules; to operate under these conditions without rules is just plain crazy. But rules should be put in place with some things that are, in my opinion, very damned important, beginning with if a rule is made, it can be changed if necessary or, everything is negotiable. Likewise, people change; playing by the established rules is all well and good but doesn’t take into account of how the power of sex can effect changes – and many act as if this should never happen. People put in loss-prevention rules that, on paper, make sense – the core relationship should be preserved at all times – but without considering that, well, shit happens and when you don’t want it to. A couple can promised to do this and not let this break them up – and while you can do your best to control what your partner can or can’t do in this, you can’t control their feeling or their thoughts.

A lot of these endeavors go awry, not because of rules violations, but due to a failure to communicate; they set things in motion after a lot of talking about things… and nothing more is said unless a rules violation is detected and then it’s all about how the violator is to be punished and then more restrictions are added – right along with even more nitro and other stuff that likes to go boom when you mess with it too much.

No one seems to take into consideration that Change wants to happen even when it’s deemed not to be in a couple’s best interest – then they find that if Change isn’t allowed to happen, well, boom goes the nitro. If you set down a very rigid set of rules to prevent loss and to control everyone’s actions, you’ve also set down enough nitroglycerin to, let’s say, blow up a good-sized city. Yes, you want nature to run its course in this but you also want everyone involved to be aware of the consequences of their actions and how those actions can and will impact the alternative relationship just as much as the core relationship can get jiggled enough to cause an explosion.

The trick – and one that most people who try to do this never learn – is to put the minimum amount of rules in place like take care of home first, don’t bring anything home that you’re not of a mind to be responsible for and, I think, a very important rule, talk about whatever has been taking place and making adjustments as necessary to ensure that the core and alternative relationships can continue to operate as smoothly as possible.

Some couples agree to do this thing but put in a rule that says whatever you’re doing – or whomever – they don’t want to know anything about it. In this, the “whole purpose” of the alternative relationship is set aside, that being, sharing the experience with each other. Now we get into the most fatal and nitro-jiggling thing: Thinking “me” and not “us.” Many folks get on this path thinking about what they want and being of a mind that because it’s what they want, their partner – who they expect to agree with this – has no involvement at all… and the endeavor fails due to a lack of communication and zero experience sharing so that any changes that might be called for never happen – and changes that could keep things running smoothly.

What many find out is that instituting an alternative relationship is a lot harder than a regular relationship. When you go +1 (or more) the whole relationship dynamic changes and there must be attention paid to a few very key elements: Communication, time management, problem and conflict resolution. I maintain that if you do not possess any of these skills – and they are all needed – you will set off the nitro and this will blow up in your face and catastrophically so. These things are not static… any more than being exclusively monogamous is as static as it they say it’s supposed to be. Why? Because people aren’t static – they’re dynamic or they are always subject to Change showing up and nudging them in different directions and the simplest example of this is how many times in any given day you change your mind about something or how your feelings are flowing from one moment to the next.

The thing here is that we go through these changes… and we don’t always notice them but delving into an alternative relationship will sure as hell make you aware of changes… if you’re smart and observant enough to pay attention… and you should be. Where there are some rules that shouldn’t be broken, any other rules should allow a lot of wiggle room or if you don’t allow for someone to screw up, boom! Rules should be adjusted as needed; if the woman in this needs to have the “don’t cum in her mouth” rule revised, she should be able to sit down with her partner and talk about changing this, the pros and cons and, importantly, how changing this rule is going to impact the core relationship as well as how it’s gonna make her feel.

If scheduled and supervised activities is making things difficult, it’s time to sit down and talk about revising this particular rule. Someone feeling left out? Not getting “their fair share” of things? Sit down, put it on the table, and work the issue until a solution is reached that everyone can live with – and with the understanding that such a solution might need more work at some point.

If a couple isn’t diligent and dedicated to making this work – and willing to put in the huge amount of work that’s necessary, you’re gonna set off all that nitroglycerin you’ve added to the mix… and when it goes boom, it ain’t gonna be pretty. And then there’s this: Most of the shit that will make the nitro go off can be avoided but, as I always say, to not set it off, you have to unlearn everything you thought you knew about love, sex, and relationships so that you can learn a new way to do these things.

Those who fail to learn get blown the fuck up. If you try to control or micromange things, like retaining the “right” to choose your partner’s partner, this will blow up in your face and, indeed, anything you put in place that will serve to be restrictive and designed to not let someone be the way they need to be in this, boom.

If you try as hard as you can to prevent loss, you’re gonna experience and suffer it and I can almost guarantee that this will blow up in your face. Yes, you have a duty to preserve the core relationship but when you do the “logical” thing and construct very restrictive and inhibiting rules to ensure that the core relationship will remain intact, you’re gonna set the nitro off pretty quick when those rules lack flexibility and you take away someone’s ability to adapt to situations.

And, really, if you aren’t aware of just how powerful sex is, whew, I hope you have a blast-proof suit on… because you’re gonna need it.

So, Jennifer: How did I do? It is to note that I didn’t include things like Jennifer’s DD stuff; that’s a very different kettle of fish and, well, you should go read her blog to see how she and her cadre manage this kind of relationship – it’s impressive as fuck and I’m not easily impressed. The thing is that Jennifer and all those involved found a way to manage their +1 (or more) relationship without setting the nitro off and utterly destroying things. They found the right mix of things to make it work; they communicate, manage things without micromanaging them and when change is called for, they get together and work it out so that things keep working as smoothly as humanly possible.

It’s a lot of work and something I know for a fact; it makes being in a one-on-one relationship look like child’s play and ridiculously easy by comparison. But it can be done… if you’re willing to put in the work that will be necessary to make sure the nitroglycerin never goes boom.

 
5 Comments

Posted by on 18 September 2019 in Life, Living and Loving

 

Tags: , , ,

 
Unicorn Hunting

Threesomes, Swinging & Kink: Utopia?

The Middle-Aged Bisexual

Struggling with my bisexuality in a heterosexual relationship

Porn Girl

BDSM, Femdom, D/s, sex and life in general

Water bound girl

A Submissive Journey

Binerd88

Musings & Interests of a Bisexual Man

collaredmichaelwordpresscom

This site is about my journey into male chastity. I hope to be brutally honest and perhaps helpful to others wanting to try the same thing.

A place for this naughty girl to share her thoughts

NSFW, 18+ only please: Lots of kinky sex, domestic discipline, Dominance & submission, BDSM and spankings ahead!

Acquiescent Soul

Watching life as it passed by

Justifiable Opinions

We all have them, lets share what we think

Jenny's Swinger Party and Dating Advice 🎉

23 year old real estate agent & swinger 💋

Domestic Discipline, Jenny style!

Unconventional journey to unimaginable fulfillment.

Life

by Hannah

CinnamonAndSparkles

If I had a power color, it would be sparkle. Landon Brinkley

SeXXy Julie

Sordid Sex Stories & Erotica of a Cougar

Temperature's Rising

Sexy Times ~ Warm Feelings ~ Hot Flashes ~ All That

A Question of Lust

"Love My Way, It's a New Road"

Bellaelena

Random thoughts from a random mind

thewritingofpassage

Writing about recovery.

Wake Up- Get Up- Stand up

"We the People" need to stand together.

The Watering Hole

Where everyone comes to quench their thirst for insight to life's challenging questions.

afortnightaway

Parts Of My Life

Date A Bisexual

DateBisexual.net

ophisophia

The Wise Serpent

myarousal

Fetishes, Gender Issues, Sexual Politics, Erotic Memoirs

a worried whimsy

bouncing between happy and anxious

Trans Media Monitor

Keeping an eye on mainstream media in Canada

ann st vincent

My journey through marriage, open marriage, divorce, being a Mom, sexual rebirth, online dating, failed relationships, lots of sex, and finally experiencing a wonderful relationship.

The Self-Actualized Life

Have a fulfilling life sexually and every other way!

Larry Archer's World (LarryArcher.blog)

------ Erotica from the dirty mind of Larry Archer

theopenwife

is there a path to a successful open marriage?

thesinofindia

The silent inside of an anonymous Indian rebelling against society

The (Bi)te

The uninteresting world of a young bisexual girl

The Bi-Love-Ed RESEARCHER

What Perspective Matters Most Depends on Your Perception

Kittykat-bitsandbobs

Just my random thoughts and meanderings... I'll try to keep you entertained

smallpenisbigissues

when and why size matters

undermounted

I write when the choice is to die if I don't

My SEXuality

Why am I afraid to tell you who I'am?

Confessions of a Cheating Housewife

...because love just isn't enough ;)

Apparently I Don't Exist

The Many Adventures of a Bisexual Genderqueer