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Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: Sign of the Times?

The other day I waxed nostalgic about my version of the good old days and how much easier it was for a guy to get some dick as compared with today.  I was talking with Cityman yesterday and I think that had he grown up in the time period I did, he would have fit in nicely with the simplistic, no strings attached way we did it back then.  Today, while there are guys who insist on NSA sex with other men, there also seems to be a lot of guys who are not only against NSA sex and the much-dreaded hookup, but they seem to be taking Friends With Benefits to a whole different level.

I don’t disagree that establishing a FWB thing with another guy is (or can be) a good thing where items like safety and discretion are concerned but, once upon a time, FWB used to mean being friends and enough so that if you wanted to fuck, it wouldn’t be a problem; it effectively smashed the ages-old admonishment that friends can’t fuck friends and, importantly, carried an element of NSA with it or,as I’ve said, all of the perks of being in a relationship without any of the responsibilities and obligations.  Having a friend meant you could hang out with them and do things while wearing clothes but you could also do some stuff butt naked and all it meant was y’all just had it like that.

No commitments, no promises made or broken; just good “clean” fun if and when the situation called for it.  FWBs could see other people (with or without clothes) and it wasn’t a problem (or much of one) because it kept them free to either have other FWBs or just the one… but not be tied down with the rigors of actually being in a relationship with each other.  You liked them enough to want to fuck them when you could but, um, ya didn’t like them that much that you’d want to be waking up to them every morning.

Bi guys were quick to jump on the FWB bandwagon – if it helps, think bro job – and guys made it work; we’re not gonna be a couple, per se, but we can hang out every now and then (and as time for such things allowed) and, uh, if the moment called for dicks to come out (and asses/legs hiked into the air), okay, man – we’re that cool with each other so it’s not gonna be a problem.  Then something changed and I can’t honestly say that I know the “exact” moment the FWB dynamic among men veered off to the side.  Again, it makes sense that if you wanna play with a dick, you find that one guy who is of the same mind as you are about this; it’s safer (compared to the much-dreaded hookup) and a lot more discrete in that if you’re seen hanging with your bro, not very many people are gonna think much about it or be suspicious about why “Hank” and “Ted” are almost always seen together – again,if it helps, think bromance if our hypothetical guys are seen to be having a whole lot of fun in each other’s company and to the point where some might think and/or say, “Hmm, they must be fucking each other!” but more in a joking manner than a serious suspicious of sexual activity.

I’ve written in past scribbles that there seems to be a lot of men these days who are loath to drop their gear for a guy unless there’s a degree of being into in play as well as a high degree of exclusivity involved; an exception is made for married bi guys because, of course, they are bound to handle their duties at home (and provided they’re still able to handle certain duties if you catch my drift).  In talking with Cityman about his views and, specifically, where he lives, I don’t doubt that there are a lot of men in his area who are about the dick and nothing but the dick – let’s hook up, do this thing, and if I don’t ever see you again, it was fun, dude.  He shares with me that a lot of the guys he just communicates with aren’t just looking for some good dick – they’re looking to establish a relationship of some kind and, it seems, taking the once-convenient FWB mode and taking it to a bit more than FWB and with overtones of exclusivity… and, apparently, all the issues that come with being an item; not exactly boyfriends in that sense but along the lines of, “We’ve had sex… and now you gotta dedicate yourself to me at all times and in all ways!”

Cityman says that he believes gay marriage is responsible for this and I tend to disagree because this… shift in the M2M FWB dynamic was happening before gay marriage blew up.  See, the problem with the NSA approach to sex is that the participants are expected and required to ignore any feelings other than lust and it’s not that some folks aren’t able to put up a huge wall between their emotions and their lust for sex… but sex is pretty damned powerful and has proven over all this time to be a master-key to a person’s emotions; if having sex with someone doesn’t unlock those emotions you’d rather not be bothered with the first time you have sex, if you keep having sex with them, the lock you placed on your deeper emotions will eventually get picked.  So, sure, if “Hank” and “Ted” become FWBs and they’re having a lot of sex with each other and spending a lot of time hanging out together, chances are good that things will go from being a matter of convenience for the two of them to something more than that, not just because the sex is outstanding but also because the longer they interact with each other, the more they learn about each other and the feelings that some guys avoid like the plague will start to manifest themselves.  That, in and of itself, isn’t really the problem…

The problem crops up when those “extra feelings” come into play and something has to be done about it and exclusivity is invoked or put on the table which effectively erases the line between just being friends and friends who can do each other if/when needed.  It’s about as close to declaring your FWB is now your boyfriend as it can get without making it official.  Keep in mind that I’m not really talking about “Hank” and “Ted” falling madly in love with each other but one of the aspects of human behavior:  If you find something that’s working for you, you not only want to keep it and get all you can out of it, you want it all to yourself… but it also winds up negating the whole purpose or concept of FWB because, in a lot of cases I’ve heard about, once the FWB arrangement gets to this point, you are effectively off the market and having other FWBs just ain’t cool; “You’re mine now and I’m not gonna stand for you seeing other guys, man!”  It also has the effect of taking our hypothetical single guys’ status of being single and kicking it to the curb.

The original intent of FWB wasn’t about all of this – all of the perks, none of the responsibilities of actually having a committed relationship.  In my mind, this shift in the dynamic plays into some of the things I’ve been reading about bisexuality, namely, if you’re not having or thinking about engaging in a same-sex relationship, your bisexuality, such as it is or might be, isn’t valid.  It also plays right into the heteronormative narrative:  No sex without a relationship or other kind of investment in place; otherwise, any sex you’re having with someone has zero meaning and substance and should be avoided at all costs.

Wow, right?  Now, perhaps, to many of you, this makes sense and because, for the most part, this is what many of us were taught – casual sex because you can do it is bad, relationship sex is good.  But sex between bisexual men pretty much ignored this long-standing edict (excluding any involvement with gay men, for the purposes of this discussion) and it was being able to ignore this that made sex between men so damned attractive; “Hank” and “Ted” didn’t have to be into each other and, really, didn’t have to “like” each other except to like each other enough to want to have sex or, as you’ve seen me write hundreds of times, “Hey, do you wanna do it?” and if the reply was, “Yeah!” you just stripped down and did it, no muss, no fuss, and what else can we do today?

I’ve seen a trend that, perhaps only in my own opinion, seeks to “normalize” bisexuality or handling things in this is done using the same rules and behaviors that men and women have been adhering to since time immemorial.  Some casual sex might be allowable and even “necessary” in order to set the stage for a higher level of commitment/investment in each other and it just seems to me that this “normalization” is, at best, society’s way of justifying bisexual behavior or, if you do it “by the book,” then it’s kinda/sorta okay.  I’ll point out that I’m not saying that this is a good or bad thing… but I do find it rather curious because, again, I come from a time when it was never like this.

Cityman often “complains” about his guys being clingy and I fuck with him and tell him, “Well, that’s what you get for being good at what you do!” and I don’t mean just how he can throw it down; he’s also a really nice guy and treats people like people should be treated – respectfully.  Sometimes I laugh at him because he does, in fact, display all of the things that would make him an excellent committed partner… if he were interested in being some guy’s boyfriend.  I know that he subscribes to the original intent of FWB but, as he tells me, a lot of the men he comes in contact with – verbal or otherwise – have something more in mind and as I said to him last night, “It’s what you want versus what they want… and you have no control over what they want.”  Logically, you run into a guy you not only want to get with but is deemed to be a good candidate for FWB; you communicate your position in this clearly and concisely and in ways that doesn’t allow room for any interpretation other than what you stated… and the other guy can agree across the board and even agree to this somewhat NSA dynamic…

And if you know anything about men, you know that, um, there are times when we’ll tell you exactly what you want to hear in order to get what we want and that’s not any different when it comes to things M2M.  I’m not saying that all guys are habitual liars when it comes to this (and despite our very bad reputation in this area)… but what I will say is that if you think that the original agreement isn’t going to change somewhere down the road and especially if the FWB sex is running wild and free, bluntly, you’re sadly mistaken and, perhaps, just a bit naive.  And, really, if you don’t ever consider that it’s always been the other guy’s intent, purpose, and agenda to become very exclusive with you – and no matter what he originally agreed to, um, ya might want to work on your situational awareness abilities or, easier, don’t take what he said as the gospel truth of things.

Because, being blunt again, if the sex and other aspects are that good, a push toward exclusivity seems to be the next “logical” step but, again and again, it only becomes a problem if either “Hank” and “Ted” aren’t interested in really being boyfriends and playing house with each other.  When single people get together and commit to being in a relationship, we tend to treat this arrangement just like being married; exclusivity, monogamy, the whole nine yards except should things go south, ya might not need a lawyer to settle things… and if what Cityman has been telling me about what he’s been seeing is on-point, the FWB dynamic has taken undergone a drastic change from its original concept and intent… and whether this is really and truly a good or bad thing depends on what someone caught up in this thinks and feels about someone trying to take them off the market (if they’re single) and, um, they really like the inherent (or imagined) freedom being single provides.

The male bisexual dynamic is, indeed, undergoing a transformation and if female bisexuals are seeing the same thing, well, the ladies aren’t talking about it and if they are, I haven’t seen it.  Today, there are more male bisexuals than, perhaps, at any other time in the past but that’s not all that surprising since, um, boys will always be boys in that sense so it’s not as much what guys like “Hank” and “Ted” are doing with each other – it’s how they’re going about doing it and there’s more of a push toward exclusivity and that “being into” level of commitment these days.  Instead of guys – and I’ll say predominantly for lack of a better word – getting with any agreeable guy they might come across, a lot of guys are being very specific, not only about the type of guy they wanna do the nasty with but the conditions under which this can happen.  It’s not to say or suggest that men aren’t as opportunistic as, I guess, we’ve always been because there are still a lot guys who just want the dick and nothing else and some would prefer not to have a lot of repeat business with any one guy… but I’m wondering if the push toward exclusivity and the change in the FWB dynamic is a sign of the times and the way male bisexuality will be handled going forward…

 
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Posted by on 13 August 2018 in Today's Bisexual Thoughts

 

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Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: Instant Gratification

Cityman hit me up just a few minutes ago and shared a profile he came across that, when read, oh, dear, was so exacting and precise about what the author wanted that my eyes rolled so hard they hurt for a moment.  I read the profile, read what Cityman had to say about it, and my first response was, “I want what I want and the way I want it!”  Indeed, one of the things I often sit and think about these days is how complicated people make things compared to the relative ease of days gone by when it came to getting laid or, if settling down with someone was more your cup of tea and a primary goal in your life, having a relationship that not only included sex but could lead to something more lasting.

In my opinion, people today seem to be more worried about what they want than what they’re able to work with and if you’re into checking out the various sites that exist for the purposes of sex and relationships, you can see a gazillion examples of what I’m talking about.  Now, I don’t say that a person doesn’t have a right to want what they want and the way they want it… I do, however, say that there’s a good chance that if you’re putting yourself out there to get what you want and the way you want it, ya might not get it because the person you’re saying that would be “perfect” for you probably doesn’t exist.

Except in that space between one’s ears.  In the bi guy world, I see on a daily basis guys writing about the perfect dude they want to get busy with… and they’re also the guys who also write about not being able to find someone to get busy with and in the way they want to do this.  Cityman occasionally shows me other profiles written by both men and women with requirements that set the bar so high that it’s no wonder they’re still on the various sites looking for someone because there’s not a person on the planet that can meet and/or exceed the profile author’s demands and requirements… or that person hasn’t been born yet… or the chances that such an amazing person is a member of one of the many sites and will actually see such a profile are fairly astronomical.

And these folks who write such profiles sit around and wonder why they can’t find someone and for whatever purpose they’re asking for?  I’m not surprised because while “I want what I want and the way I want it” is a fine statement of personal purpose, because such a statement lacks flexibility and doesn’t take into account that people change, not just over a given period of time but literally from one moment to the next… and then I guess they expect that person to always be what they wanted, you know, as if people are truly static.  It’s unrealistic and while it is true that there’s someone out there for everyone, when you write down a lot of very exacting criteria, you’re gonna eliminate a whole lot of people who could, if you were willing to work at it, give you what you want and the way you want it.

Again, it’s okay to think about that one person you’d give yourself to mind, body, and/or soul; what would they look like, what qualities would they have that would make you all warm and fuzzy as well as willing and able to get your freak on comfortably.  Is it okay to take that imaginary person and try to breathe life into them?  Maybe… if you actually manage to run across that person but given that it’s unlikely that’s gonna happen, doesn’t it make sense to create a set of flexible criteria that sets the bar at a reasonable level so that someone can, at the least, get close to meeting them?

You’d think that would make better sense but these days you see more and more people putting up some pretty exacting specifications and conditions and in the world of bi guys, I often wonder if they do this in order not to do what they say they want to do.  A lot of guys want a guy whose prime feature is a really big dick and lord knows there are a whole lot of guys with dicks literally down to their knees… and if you asked them if a guy who’s cock is around average size would work for them, eh, they might say yes… but you can see in their words that an average sized cock doesn’t match the specifications they’ve set in their head.  Many of these same guys are adamant about a certain level of “being into” as well so that they can avoid the dreaded hookup when (I guess) the truth they don’t wanna face is that the majority of men looking to throw it down aren’t in the least bit interested in being into a guy, um, except literally be into them if you catch my drift.

Instant gratification, while sounding like a good thing to pursue, doesn’t always work the way it’s thought to work… or expected to work.  I will keep saying this for as long as I can draw breath – or work the keyboard – that if you’re not thinking about the person you can work with to take care of your wants and desires, you’re gonna find yourself all by yourself and not getting what you want.  I know that as a bisexual man, the “perfect” man I can create in my head, in all likelihood, doesn’t exist and, realistically, it’s not as if I’m going to take the time and put forth the effort to search the entire fucking world looking for this most perfect guy; sure, the Internet has made the world a smaller place by connecting everyone electronically…. but the world is still a pretty big fucking place.  Now, if I had chosen to hold out for that “perfect” person, um, chances are damned good that I would have never gotten laid, would have never been in a relationship of any kind… and the people who hold true to instant gratification are finding out that this is the fate they’ve set for themselves and I will always wonder why people set themselves up to fail and, importantly, why they feel that depriving themselves of human interaction is a smart – and healthy – thing to do.

The thing that makes instant gratification utterly fail is, again, not taking into consideration that no one is perfect or even close to being perfect; even better, we’re not as consistent as we think we want and/or need to be.  Our thoughts and feelings change and in slices of time that, often, we aren’t always aware of and our day to day stuff can affect or otherwise alter our thoughts and feelings.  Now, if you’re aware of how all of this can affect you, I’m sure you can imagine how these same things can affect someone else and, if so, does it really make sense to go on the hunt for someone and lay down a set of criteria that probably cannot be met? Or a person could meet those criteria at a particular moment in time… then fail to meet them – and literally – seconds later and if not them, over any period of time you care to think of.  The guy today who says that his ideal guy has to have eight or more inches of dick, be into him and willing to, at the least, be a FWB might find out the next day that instant gratification has failed them (again) because Mr. Perfect, you know, being human and all that, has failed to meet those expectations.

And I just don’t pretend to understand why people behave like this when it doesn’t make sense to pin all your hopes and dreams on a human being that may or may not exist or you’ll never come in contact with in your lifetime.  “I want what I want and the way I want it,” to me, is a sure way to set yourself up to fail or, as I often suspect again, to make sure that whatever it is you want someone else for – sex and/or a relationship of some kind – ain’t ever gonna happen.  I see so many examples of people talking about what they want in another person… and not so much about what person they can work with.  Indeed, women talk a lot about settling and as if that’s such a horrible thing to do… but they also find out that holding out for the guy or even gal they want to be with causes them to overlook everyone they could be with, you know, if they were willing to put in the work that’s required and that, my friends, seems to be the gist of this whole instant gratification thing:  People want all of the perks but don’t want to do any of the real work required.

I went back and re-read the profile that Cityman shared with me and I thought, “Hmph – this person is going to be one really lonely ass…” because anyone reading it would, in all likelihood, tell that person to get over themselves for having the utter gall to lay down what reads as some pretty arrogant requirements that someone has to meet to get with them in any imaginable way.  And I will say to anyone reading this that if you’re sitting and wondering why you’re alone or not having the sex you want, or ya don’t have someone who’s gonna be in your life longer than a couple of weeks, you might want to take a close look at how high you’ve set the bar and the complexity of the conditions you’ve set for acquiring love, sex, and relationships.  I say to you that, sure, you have the right to want what you want and the way you want it… but I ask you is it realistic and achievable?  Are you, in fact, doing the best thing for yourself by invoking instant gratification and sticking to your right to want what you want and in the way you want it?

This isn’t just a bisexual thing – people, regardless of sexual orientation, seem to behave like this and, indeed, a lot of people find themselves unsexed and lonely because they don’t meet someone else’s very exacting requirements and no one would ever give them a shot because it’s all about what they want… and not even close to what they’re willing and able to work with.

 
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Posted by on 4 July 2018 in Today's Bisexual Thoughts

 

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Because She Asked

I made a comment on a post written by DDJennifer (https://ddjennifer.wordpress.com/2018/06/22/260-more-mike-jen-kayla-equity-vs-equality/) and she suggested that I copy and paste it into a blog of my own… so here it is:

Methinks some people see the phrase “open marriage” and immediately fear the worst right along with not understanding what this really means. In my first marriage, I went through the “process” from being monogamous to being open to being poly and it was one hell of a trip and experience and while no relationship is immune to the problems inherent in having a relationship, it is about equity more than equality and, as I like to say, being able to adopt a mindset where the relationship is about “us” and not about “me” so much.

And while you can never discount individualism in any relationship, being open is about everyone involved working toward the same goal and with the same shared vision. It’s certainly about the core relationship and the mindset of, “What can we do to make our lives together the best it can be?” and then doing whatever that entails and, importantly, remaining vigilant and determined to make it work.

By the time I got to poly, my god, I learned so much about love, sex, and relationships that it wasn’t funny just as I learned that living and loving like this is actually harder than being monogamous – in this, you only have one person to deal with as opposed to dealing with two or more other people in the mix. I learned that you cannot treat your partners under the auspices of equality – that’s a nightmare waiting to happen that, um, sure, I’d wish that on my worst enemy and it would serve them right for being dumb enough to think that equality, as we understand it, can be easily established. Being open/poly is an investment that requires equity and creating an environment where one and all can flourish and as comfortably as humanly possible.

It’s still not easy to do… but it can be done and once you’ve learned how to live like this, you never want to go back to being monogamous if you can avoid it.

When people would question how and why we were living the way we were, the answer was always, “Because we want to and it just works for us and it makes the most sense.”

Now for the other side of this thing, namely, how people who attempt this get it wrong more often than not.  In previous writing about this topic, I’ve repeatedly said that in order to be in an open relationship, you first have to unlearn everything you’ve ever learned about love, sex, and relationships so you can learn another way to do these things.  Monogamy is mandated and to the point where people who aren’t married carry on relationships as if they were married; the same rules, the same restrictions, and the same problems married folks experience except folks in an unmarried relationship can usually walk away from it without getting any lawyers involved.

One of the other things I learned and, again, said a lot in previous posts on this, is that being in an open and/or poly relationship isn’t for the weak at heart or those folks subject to experiencing and displaying certain negative emotions – jealousy and possessiveness among them; I’ve also said that when considering being open/poly, the rules of monogamy are, in essence, null and void because, duh, you can’t “keep only unto yourself” if you’re considering expanding what will hopefully become what’s known as the core relationship.

And I’ve said that if you don’t think you can do any of the things necessary, don’t even try it.  You see, we barely understand what it takes to be in a relationship with just one person and the tenets of monogamy are hammered into us almost as soon as we are able to understand them and said tenets are assumed to be inviolate and, importantly, the right thing to be done at all times… except, don’t we find out that this doesn’t work as advertised?  I’ve said and asked not to be taken wrong but for many, being monogamous works and works well but for others?  Eh, not so much.

Relationships erode, decay, become stagnant and wind up ending because, seemingly, there’s no recourse or other alternative to breaking up when, in fact, there’s always been another course of action a couple can take:  Open the relationship and more so when it becomes apparent that there are needs that should be taken care of but monogamy (and a few other things) doesn’t allow for any, ah, outside assistance.  People fret over cheating and I’ve read other blogs about this and their authors asking what, if anything can be done to prevent cheating and other than being single and by yourself, the answer is found in yet another thing I’ve said a lot:  It’s better to beg forgiveness than to ask permission… but what if you could get permission?  How does a couple combat the ever-present threat of infidelity?  Remove the mindset that suggests that infidelity is always a bad thing.  The bad part is that getting permission is deemed to be impossible given what we – as a whole – tend to believe.  But getting permission brings a new set of issues, namely, ya just don’t know how to have a relationship that involves more than one person.

But it can be done, as DDJennifer’s blog indicates.  It’s not without some issues but as I said in my comment, it’s about having a shared goal and vision – everyone should be on the same page while doing their best to avoid the negative emotions.  For instance, I read someone’s blog a few weeks ago and the author said that her and her hubby were now in an open relationship (and she asked for it) but there were times when she felt the need to stake out her territory and even admitted that she felt… neglected at times when her hubby and their new female partner would interact. It’s actually a normal kind of reaction, given what we’ve been taught about relationships… but harboring these kinds of feelings can, eventually, slam the door on an open relationship.  You quickly learn some shit that’s hard to process:  The open/poly relationship is about you… but not really and I’ll keep right on saying that in these things, if you are unable to think “us” more than “me,” you’re usually gonna fail in your attempts to find happiness in this arrangement – and an arrangement that’s a lot more involved than just sex, you know, just in case you were of a mind that these things is purely and solely about sex.  Again, it is… but not as a main focus of being open and poly; the purpose of the open relationship is to improve the core relationship or being able to answer this question:

“What can we do to make our lives together the best it can be?”  Sadly, this question is often difficult to answer because we – on the whole – tend to think in terms of what we’re not going to do, even for the sake of love… and as long as your mind is stuck in this place, being open/poly just ain’t gonna work.  I’ve said that being open/poly is even harder than being monogamous and I’m being nice about it when I say it… but it can be done.  As DDJennifer wrote in her blog, being open/poly isn’t about equality – it’s about equity and it’s an investment of the highest order.  I read and know of single folks who are poly and while I’d not say that, for the most part, they’re not successful at having multiple partners, many of them manage their relationships while employing the rules of monogamy and finding that doing this is kinda hard when you don’t have that one person at your side who not only shares this vision but is willing to stick by your side as part of the core relationship.

Which is why it’s my belief that openness and polyamory works best for couples who are already in an established relationship; the core is already present and, importantly, the core partners are secure in their relationship and their love for each other… and even more important, they are dedicated to doing whatever’s necessary to make sure that core relationship lasts as long as humanly possible… and even if that means adding as many other people as they can and implementing a plan that makes sure that everyone involved shares the investment, goals, and vision of the expanded relationship.

Equity… not never equality and I say this because it’s virtually impossible to establish equality when you’re dealing with different personalities as well as different wants and needs and that, my friends, is the really hard part.  You can’t show favoritism and you do your level best to not to try to treat everyone the same way – equally – but according to who they are; if you think communication is important in a “normal” relationship, you can’t begin to believe how very important this becomes when two becomes three or four; if you suck at time management, problem and conflict resolution, um, you’re already behind the eight-ball.

If you’re reading this and you’re thinking that, fuck, this open/poly thing is a pain in the ass, you’d be right – it is and unlike anything you’ve ever experienced.  At the same time, it can be the most liberating thing a couple could do but as I say, you gotta really and seriously be grown up enough to do this.  Like in any other relationship, you’ll have regrets, problems, and other things that make the day-to-day management of the relationship a bitch to deal with and even I’ll admit there were times in my experiences when I asked myself – and a lot – “Why did I agree to do this crazy shit?”  But I’d remember why I did – because it made sense to.

Is there a sure-fire way to do this and have it work?  Uh, no; the bad part is that while there’s a lot of information available as to how to accomplish this, you’re gonna have to find your way in this.  Hell, if I knew the definitive answer to getting it done and correctly so, I’d be rich beyond the dreams of avarice.  What I do know is how not to do this, what the pitfalls are and, if nothing else, what the basics are.

After that, you’re on your own.

So, Jennifer – how did I do?

 
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Posted by on 23 June 2018 in Life, Living and Loving

 

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Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: FWB (Friend With Benefits)

One of the changes in male bisexuality that I’ve seen is a shift from guys looking to hook up to requiring a single source for this sex.  It makes sense in that if you have that one guy you know a great deal about and implicitly trust – not only with the secret but with your health as well – that works well for a lot of guys and especially those men who aren’t fans of casual/hook up sex.  I was thinking about when I first heard about this and I seem to remember a lot of women talking about their “friend…” but not about a boyfriend.  A few women took the time to explain this “friend” thing; they hang out, have much sex, but they’re not in a committed relationship.  “We’re just really good friends,” one woman said as she blushed.

Okay, I got it now!  Now, this isn’t quite like having an affair although one could reasonably assume that it falls into the guidelines of FWB – in short – all of the benefits of being in a relationship but none of the responsibilities a committed relationship calls for.  It is not just a down-low thing, not when single people opt to not be in a relationship with someone but, um, they still wanna get laid and meet other people in their search for The One.  Relationship purists kinda/sorta frown at this because it’s so out of the box, you know, you meet someone, you date/court them, you commit to a relationship, get engaged, and get married.  Fornication – that’s having sex without being married – is considered to be a sin (which is where the saying “living in sin” comes from) and casts and evil eye on those who cohabit like they’re married but they aren’t… but shacking up is acceptable because if nothing else, the two sinners are, at the least, living with each other.

What I’ve seen in recent years and in the world of M2M is that FWB is kinda mutating and is being treated by some as a committed relationship and one that also implies exclusivity.  It often makes me shake my head when I see the guy son the bi guy forum (in particular) go on at great length about finding a FWB while, at the same time, saying that they’d rather not be in a committed relationship either because they can’t or it’s just not on their list of things to do.  Some guys approach the concept of FWB like it’s NSA – no strings attached – and, um, no, NSA is a different animal altogether.  What many of them learn is that the emotional connection they’re trying to avoid does come into play at some point and things get a bit more serious and that’s about the same time when things can get a bit rocky because someone is trying to handle a FWB arrangement as if it’s a committed and exclusive relationship.

In some ways, it smacks of hypocrisy for a guy who says he won’t throw down with another guy without them being into each other – a purely emotional context – while, again, not being of a mind to commit to “officially” being boyfriends but things get to the point where exclusivity hits the table.  This is another of those instances where I think you can’t have it both ways; you can’t want, require, or demand exclusive access to someone without a commitment to that end any more than you want some being into involved but wanting to avoid any emotional entanglements.

I’ve seen guys get into the FWB thing and things go sideways, like the FWB starts making demands on their time, has hissy fits when getting together can’t be done on demand, and even getting highly upset to find out that homey is seeing other guys.  Some FWBs seem to assume that if this is what’s going on, then exclusivity is somehow implied so if “Harry” and “Hal” have become FWB, neither of them are allowed to see anyone else – the two of them are assumed to be effectively off the market.  When FWB is taken to this place, things can get rather, ah, uncomfortable because you’ve gone from engaging with a guy that you can hang out with and/or have sex with to having a boyfriend who kinda/sorta thinks you two are a committed couple.  Since this isn’t the case – and because neither guy has actually and verbally committed to exclusivity and all that comes with it – wow, the shit hits the fan in a very explosive and messy way.

One guy I know of who had a FWB go sideways was telling me that he’d gone away for a few days and upon his return home, he found a slew of messages on his answering machine (yeah, it was that long ago) from his FWB demanding to know where he was and that he’d better call him if he knew what was good for him.  He told me that he called the guy back and the guy proceeded to read him the riot act and beginning with him having the audacity to leave town without telling him or asking him if he wanted to come along.  The rant continued as the FWB demanded to know what homey was up to and, yup, who else he was fucking… and the guy I know said he lost his cool at this point and told the FWB that, first, what he does when they’re not together is none of his business and where he goes – as well as his reason for going – is equally none of his damned business.  Then he said he asked the FWB, “Since when do I have to answer to you?”

The FWB said, “When you started fucking me, that’s when!”

Uh oh…

You see, just as with NSA sex, FWB sidesteps traditional thinking in this, like, the notion that if we’re having sex, then we are an exclusive, monogamous item.  Remember, FWB is supposedly all of the benefits of a relationship but none of the responsibilities so, to that end exclusivity and monogamy is outside of that remit – but both of those things are well within the domain of a committed relationship.  There are times when I think that because some folks are trying to normalize bisexuality and its related activities, instead of FWB being an uncommitted kind of thing, it’s becoming very much a committed relationship kind of thing in the minds of some guys.  We’re conditioned to behave monogamously and especially when sex is involved and many people still hold true that without a relationship, no sex can or should happen, nope, not without full investment in each other.  The problem comes into view when two guys want to do each other – because it’s convenient and safe as well as it speaking to the depth of their friendship – but a full, invested commitment to each other is either unwanted or impractical.

I’ve heard of guys getting very pissy because their FWB didn’t call them for a given length of time; I’ve heard of them getting highly upset and even depressed to think that this absence is due to their FWB out there laying the pipe to someone else, finding them somehow less desirable, stuff like that when, in fact, the FWB didn’t call them because he had other things to do and, um, they’re not officially boyfriends so there’s no need to always be checking in with each other and, basically, trying to run each other’s lives in any way.  I know there are bi guys who, emotionally, are looking for Mr. Right – they want that committed relationship with another guy and to be their one and only and there’s nothing wrong with wanting this but it’s just my opinion that the FWB model, taken literally, can’t work in this area and it really doesn’t work for those guys who are in a relationship – married – and taking on a second committed relationship could cause more problems than they’re willing to deal with.  NSA is undesirable, a committed “he’s my boyfriend” relationship is impractical and unwarranted so, yeah, FWB is the answer…

Except you probably shouldn’t try to handle a FWB arrangement as if it’s a committed and monogamously exclusive relationship and I’ve been wondering why there are some guys who are trying to do just that and then wind up getting their bubble burst when the whole things falls apart.  Surely, emotions can come into play; it seems unlikely that you’re gonna keep having sex with this guy and not develop some, ah, deeper feelings other than just friendship; ya might not come right out and say that what you’re feeling is love but, okay, it’s pretty damned close enough for government work.  Some guys have some interesting expectations when it comes to FWB and those expectations are more in line with a committed relationship than they are a matter of convenience which, in my opinion, is what FWB started out as but seems to be mutating and, sadly, for some, in some pretty disheartening ways.

FWB is supposed to be more than NSA but less than a monogamous relationship; it’s supposed to be a convenience and something special between close friends… but methinks this is morphing into something else and right now I can’t say that it’s a good or bad thing as far as bisexuality goes… but I can see how problematic this can become.  My protegé shared with me that from time to time, the guys he’s FWB with gives him grief about him not always being available to him when they want him to be; they feel some kind of way when he tells them about other guys he’s been with because it’s important where health is concerned.  My protegé is open and forthcoming with those guys – and as he should be – but their reaction to this openness is met with emotions that are borne of monogamous behavior; they see it like they’re FWB and fucking (or whatever) so exclusivity is implied and mandated even though he’s told them in no uncertain terms that he’s not interested in having a committed, monogamous, and exclusive relationship with them.  Yes, they are good friends and, really, ya can’t be FWB without the F-part of the phrase being in play, right?

It just kinda surprises me that there are men who seem to “insist” that FWB becomes more than what it originally was and even more so when many of those same men also say that they couldn’t see themselves being in a committed relationship with another man…

 
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Posted by on 2 March 2018 in Today's Bisexual Thoughts

 

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Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: Sexual Fidelity

I got this link in an email last night – https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/gay-and-lesbian-well-being/201102/is-sexual-fidelity-possible-or-even-necessary – and I gave it a read and thought, “Really?  Straight people and bisexuals figured this shit out quite some time ago…”  One of the things my nameless friend (and, yes, I forgot to ask his permission to name him here) and I talk about is bisexuality and monogamy and how our mindsets have to change in order for bisexuals, in particular, to be able to handle their business on the other side while being in a good and loving relationship.

We were recently talking about how gay men “despise” bisexual men because they worry about us cheating on them – and with a woman – and how much better things could be if they could understand what’s really something kinda simple:  Change the Matrix’s rules about monogamy and relationships so that cheating could essentially be eliminated.  Ah, yes, I can hear the hearts of those who are fiercely monogamous going into v-fib all over the blogosphere but as I’ve written quite a few times, it’s not that monogamy can’t work but its premise that one person is expected and required to take care of every need of their partner is unrealistic and, yes, serial monogamists, just because you don’t know of your partner’s “hidden” needs doesn’t mean that they don’t exist, okay?

You can go to a lot of site and see people pondering the question of why people cheat on each other and offering up all manners of suggestions that are supposed to ward off infidelity except the most obvious one:  Change the fucking rules so that you and your partner can be all about each other in this without this blind obedience to the Matrix’s mandate to keep only unto yourself and the seriously unnecessary reason why this was invoked to begin with and, yes, I’m mentioning it again, the conditions that existed when all this shit was created do not exist today… yet, even when we know this, we keep being lemmings and following along with the rest of the group, don’t we?

The Matrix would have you believe that sexual fidelity is mandatory, that “Barb” and “Glen” couldn’t possibly be happy if they were seeing other people or had other people involved in their lives and, yet, there are a lot of couples who are quite happy with such arrangements because they understand a few things that the Matrix would prefer they not understand, like, if you can’t take care of your man or woman, someone else can and will… but instead of this causing all sorts of drama, why not do this in a way where the drama wouldn’t exist?  People cheat for a lot of reasons and, I think, with the thought that it’s better to beg forgiveness than to ask permission… but what if you could ask permission… and what if you got it?

It goes against everything we’ve ever been taught about love, sex, and relationships and we act as if the things we learned about this can’t be changed… but if you vow or otherwise promise each other to be committed to them and the health and growth of the relationship, which thing is the most important:  Obeying the Matrix and pretty much setting yourself up to ultimately fail or making sure that you and your partner are the happiest y’all can be and no matter what it takes to make that happen?  It’s not as if the logic of the situation can’t be understood but emotionally?  I point out yet again that logic and common sense don’t fare well against raw emotion; Barb could logically agree with her man, Glen, that he would be a happier camper in their relationship if he was able to get some dick when he needs it; she could see the logic when he emphatically says to her that even though he needs this – and she sure as hell can’t give it to him – that has nothing to do with his love, desire, or commitment to her and their relationship.  But, emotionally?  Barb’s gonna need some Xanax – lots of Xanax because in her mind – because of what she was taught to believe – Glen should never, ever, want or need anything that she can’t provide nor should he ever give one nanosecond of thought to breaking his word to her and getting what he wants anyway.

She’ll agree to the logic and tell him in no uncertain terms that if he goes out and does this, don’t come back… and is this really necessary and more so when other aspects of the relationship are golden?  Is she all that willing to cut her nose off to spite her face when?  While this actually doesn’t make any sense, all the fans of monogamy will readily say that, yes, she should cut off her nose even though doing so is going to cause her some unrecoverable loss.

My nameless friend gives a real-life example of this via his interactions with his gay FWB.  The FWB has told him on several occasions that, yeah, he wouldn’t mind one bit if they played house and since he knows that my friend is bisexual, sure, if my friend wanted to get some coochie when he needed it, it’s not going to be a problem.  I like this about his FWB but, at least to me, this isn’t anything new but I will say that it’s taken long enough for gay folks to get on the bandwagon that straights and bisexuals have been on for a while; a great many of us figured out that it makes no damned sense to throw the baby out with the bath water, that the dreaded “having your cake and eating it” can actually be a good thing for the individuals involved and the relationship as a whole.

It can be done… but reshaping the face of monogamy isn’t going to easily happen because we cannot logically agree that it needs to change.  Yes, more and more couples – and regardless to sexuality – will find out that, hey, we can do this and still be happy and in love with each other; they might become swingers, have an open relationship, might even dip their toes into the polyamory pool in some way and bring a lover (or two or four) into their fold.  Yep, there are some rules – there has to be rules because as I told my friend last night, humans without order are a train wreck that’s just waiting to happen.  Jeez, I could probably write these rules down in a single blog that, yeah, would also take me days to finish because this is some really complex shit and so deep that it makes being monogamous look easy.  But it can be done and couples will continue to find ways to make it happen.

The article says that we could learn some shit from gay men – and with respect to any gay men reading this, I found that to be pretty damned funny because a lot of bisexual men have successfully negotiated this… freedom way before gay men realized that being monogamous was really for the birds.  But this is, on the whole, a good thing because we need to change the way we have relationships so that we can be as happy as humanly possible in them and without all the roadblocks that monogamy puts in place.  My nameless friend is currently searching for that woman who will not only easily accept his bisexuality but who’d also be open to the prospect of a modified relationship state and one that can benefit the both of them and I do wish him the best of luck in his quest; he has the advantage of living in one of the most sexually diverse cities in the country so he stands a pretty good chance of finding her… but, yeah, if he can’t, there’s the offer his FWB has put on the table, too, which does, in fact, speak to what the referenced article is talking about.

This mindset just isn’t restricted to homosexuals, though, so I had to point this out…

 
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Posted by on 30 December 2015 in Today's Bisexual Thoughts

 

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Being In Love

It’s a goal in life that a lot of us have and we go through a lot of things, do a lot of searching, and go through a lot of shit to find that one person we can fall in love with and with the expectation that they’re gonna love us as much as we love them – and love is the way we want to be loved.

This is all well and good.  Sometimes we confuse infatuation with love; we confuse sex with love; we think that we’ve found love (or it has found us) but what we find that we really found the wrong person or because we are so focused on finding love that we are easily fooled into believing that we finally found it.

What we find, at some point, is that we experience love many times while searching for The One; we learn from it, suffer both happiness and pain along the way but we doggedly keep searching for that one person that won’t be our alpha… but they’ll be our omega, the last and only person that we’ll ever love.

For some, this actually happens and somewhat easily but for others, well, let’s say that once they’ve fallen in love and are happy, they believe that it’s not possible for them to have love pay them another visit… and find themselves proven wrong… and now there’s a problem that many find hard to solve.

I’ve often wondered why it is that someone will fall in love for that “last” time and never consider that love can find them again.  After all, they’ve gone through a few instances of love trying to get to The One and as if they’re now immune against love touching them again, as if the person they’re now in love with is an immutable shield that will always protect and insulate them.

Which probably explains how totally dumbstruck they get when they find out differently, that you cannot escape love when it has run them down again… but they try, shoving monogamy and morality before them like a cross before the vampire and thinking that love will shy away from monogamy’s alleged power and ability to shield and protect, believing and even hoping that this social construct will be proof against one of the most powerful emotions we can experience.

Many are successful, in a sense; they don’t fall fully into love’s heady embrace… but they will always feel the effect or having been brushed by love.  Some cherish that touch while others fear it; they believe that love only happens once and to feel it again will destroy them, that love’s power will once again unlock things within them that they believed to be safely locked away behind monogam’s protective wall.

And then they find out that things don’t work the way they thought they did, that pretty much all they were taught – all the assumptions they made based on those teachings and their own experiences – is, at the least, inaccurate and, at the worst, very much wrong.

They say love is eternal, that it’s not easily banished, deflected, avoided  or ignored.  We do, in fact, have this proven to us and sometimes rather painfully when we thought we found love but it wasn’t the love we were looking for so we keep looking and hoping it will find us:  Hope keeps us looking for that which isn’t easy to find or to hold onto… but we know it’s out there and we are prepared and committed to spending our entire lives to wrap ourselves in love’s embrace for the one, last and final time.

And when we do, we think and believe that were safe and unable to love anyone else… but then we find that the love we have, as warm, comfortable and wonderful as it is, isn’t enough; we sense that our need and capacity for love is actually greater than we thought except, Houston, we have a problem:  The rules that govern our lives and behaviors in these things dictate that we should only love one person at a time and that even feeling love – or knowing that they are loved by another – is the height of impropriety and a moral taboo.

Some of us questions the mandate; we correctly guess that if we have been in love at times before we found our omega – and we still carry those past loves within us, then it is, indeed, quite possible that we can handle much more love than we’re told we should deal with.  Some of us accept this… but most cannot because they believe there can be only one true love even though that which they’re experiencing severely challenges their beliefs and exposes the lie of once you have love, you can’t have any more love or can’t receive it from, ah, other sources.

Thus, we think we know love, that we understand all there is to love and being loved, on,y to find that our understanding, such as it is, is sorely limited and lacking.  We underestimate love’s reach and power; we seek to keep it at arm’s length with social constructs that, in fact, have little power over love’s greater power.

And I’ve wondered why we do this, why we will go out of our way to find love… then go further out of our way to avoid it once we believe we have found it and as if we have no further use for love since we “apparently” have it already.  I’ve wondered why, when we experience another brush with love’s touch, we act as if it didn’t happen, that it’s not supposed to happen, and instead of basking in that additional touch, we become distraught and fight against it with all we can bring to bear.

And I’ve felt that we’ve all been taught that love is about doing this, that, or the other and that if you love – and even if you dare to love, something must be done about it; there are those who are afraid to love (or have been made to fear love) so, yes, the thing they are made to do when love touches their hearts is to fight it, to deny it, to resist it and to continue to fear it and even deem it to be useless.

All love wants anyone to do is accept it, to take it within themselves and feel good about and with it and, yes, even if they’re already in love and being love because we are told that love knows no bounds… yet, we act as if there is a limit to love, don’t we, that we should only go so far and never beyond that point.

Do you ever question this?  Do you ever wonder if there’s more to this than you know?  Do you think about why we don’t question these things or why we just accept that which we’ve been told or otherwise made to believe?

Perhaps you should.  I did; many people have and we’ve seen the lie we all have been told about what love is and what it’s supposed to do and the alleged singular way it’s supposed to work.  It is not about morals, this thing I’ve written today; it is really about one’s ability to love and understanding one’s capacity to love, even when already in love and that despite we have been told and what we believe, we are capable of so much more.

Do you know this?  Can you feel this?  Have you felt this?  And, most of all, do you believe this?

 
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Posted by on 23 November 2015 in Life, Living and Loving

 

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How Do You Feel?

Many years ago now, I learned some important lessons about something I had thought I knew already and they were taught to me when I fell deeply in love with someone I had “no business” falling in love with:  The wife of a friend and co-worker.  While I had spent a lot of time talking to her on the phone, the day I actually met her, the chemistry between us hit me so hard that I almost passed out – and that was before I shook her hand in greeting and when we touched, I was grateful that I didn’t have far to go to sit back down because my legs wouldn’t support me.

For a period of time after that fateful introduction, we talked about the way we felt, acknowledging the powerful and dangerous chemistry between us; we even talked about where we were being led and we desperately fought against doing something about the way we felt, our logic impeccably laid out as to why we dare not do what we both knew had to be done.  It wasn’t right; it was so totally immoral and dangerous to us both because just being in love with each other threatened our very lives and our respective families.

As I’ve written hundreds of times now, this woman was the one who taught me that you can’t do anything about the way you feel; you can only do something about how you may act on your feelings.  She was the one who taught me that just because you loved someone, that didn’t mean you had to do anything about it other than accept that this is how you feel.  I thought I knew about being in love, thought I understood all the aspects of it but this, dear God, this blindsided me, exposed an ignorance I hadn’t been aware of because I was, hands down, in love with this woman and every fiber of my being wanted to do everything I could about it… and I knew damned well that I shouldn’t.  She knew it, too; she had accepted all of this better than I had but, admittedly, felt the same thing I did, that something had to be done about this… and being the intelligent and perceptive people we both were, we knew that we would not be able to avoid the inevitable.

God knows we tried and it seemed that the more we tried, the stronger the pull became; it opened up things for the two of us that neither thought was even possible, things that only existed in cheesy romance novels, or only in our dreams.  Every moment that passed kept pushing us forward even when we logically agreed that if we stopped talking to each other, the compelling force drawing us together would go away and, in time, be forgotten… but we couldn’t even do that, not when I would be making a business call and when the phone was answered on the other end, I discovered that I had dialed her number instead… even when I was looking at the phone’s keypad when making the call.

Holy mother of Christ… what was going on here?  Just the same, the more we talked, the more we shared with each other, the stronger our love became and we just accepted it – it is what it is and maybe, just maybe, people weren’t meant to be limited to loving just one person because I loved my wife just as she loved her husband… but we also loved each other and it was insane… but it felt right even in its moral wrongness.  The pressure to do something about our feelings seemed to subside and we both thought that we had succeed in heading off the inevitable, that we were now in a safe place with each other.

And we were wrong.  We were sitting in her kitchen, drinking coffee, and just talking when the pressure returned full force; I felt it at the same time she did and we were both stunned by it because, foolishly, we thought it had gone away when, in fact, all we had subconsciously done was accept that something was going to happen and when she asked, “Are we gonna do this or what?” for a split second, I wanted to say no – I had to say no – and the truth was that I was still screaming at myself to say no as we kissed for the first time… and that sealed our fates. She took me by the hand, her intention to lead me upstairs to the comfort of the bed in her spare room… and we didn’t make it, losing our clothes before reaching the stairs… and we feasted on each other right there on the steps, on the landing, in the hallway, on that bedroom floor and it was incredible; it was powerful and all-consuming… and we just couldn’t stop.

If that first kiss sealed our fates, the moment I entered her did much more than that; it marked and bonded us for life.  We made love for hours and as if we had never had sex before, driven by both lust and love.  I kept taking her and taking her and in every way I knew how and the more I gave, the more she wanted, the more she needed.  Our very souls had joined together and we were so lost in each other that reason and common sense had no meaning; the sheer wrongness of what we were doing spurred us on further, pushing us beyond anything we had previously experienced until she could take no more… but I still had much more to give and that, all by itself, shocked and amazed me.  She was more than spent and sated… which didn’t stop me from taking her one last time as we showered because I just couldn’t not take her again.

“I hate you.”

Her words crushed me; how could she hate me after what we’d just spent the whole afternoon doing?  But she explained by saying that she hated how I made her feel and not for what we had done and in all its terrible wrongness, it all felt right.  We reveled in our love, astonished each other in the way we’d make love for hours on end and we both thought that we had gone as far as we could in this until the love we felt reared up and had us thinking about leaving our spouses and making a life together… and we learned that if we did that, it would be the biggest mistake ever made in our lives.  We kinda came to our senses after facing the pure, raw power of love and how it can remove rational thought, how it could crush intelligence and logic, how it could utterly obliterate common sense.  The love was still very much there and we knew that no matter what happened, it would always be there.  The lust was there, unabated and unfettered and we basked in it at every opportunity.

At one point, we “broke up” because it had to be done; the danger of our love had taken us from running away together to wanting to make a child of our own… and the only thing that stopped that from happening was her joking about not being able to explain to her husband why “their” baby was born with a permanent tan… so we had to break it off.  The breakup lasted all of a month and it was painful… but it made sense.  She accidentally called me one day and the sound of her voice made all my feelings for her stand up (as well as something else); she apologized for the mistake and we laughed about it until she said, “I need you.  Now.  Come to me…”  I should have stayed right where I was; I should have let the distance between us act as a shield to protect us both… and I was powerless to do so.  I came to her… and took her over and over as if that month we spent apart never happened but with one very notable difference:  We were now under control and immune to what love’s power was pushing us to do.

Now, there may be some of you who are reading this and thinking, “How could you do such a thing?  How could you work with her husband – your friend – every day and not feel the guilt and shame of what you two had done?”  Actually, it was easier than you may want to believe.  I admired him and, as odd as it sounds, respected him more than I had before.  Yes, I was well aware of the fact that if he ever found out, he would strike out at me in some way and I was prepared for that… but I didn’t hate or despise him in any way.  Yeah, it was like that and we did our male bonding thing rather well and more so because he and I had something very much in common:  We both loved his wife with all our heart and soul.

We “broke up” for the final time and, again, because we knew it had to happen and the necessity of it all was painful for us to accept… but we accepted it… and we have never stopped loving each other even though we’ve not seen each other since the very last time we made love one stormy, snowy night and, romantically so, by the fireplace.  There was, in fact, one last thing that had to be done, something I believe I innately knew but hadn’t actually thought about until she told me what that thing was as we undressed each other.  You see, during all the times we made love, I had cum in her mouth; I had cum in her ass and had cum all over her in various places… but I had never cum inside her and, yes, I did her raw because she wouldn’t have it any other way.  She said to me, “Just once, I want to feel you cum inside of me and I don’t care what happens when you do.”

Despite my reminding her of the danger of this, I knew this would be the last thing we’d ever do, one final piece of an incredibly complex puzzle.  I spent the next couple of hours filling her with my seed, all caution set aside as we were scorched by our love, the heat of our passion, and the fireplace.  The first time I spilled inside of her, she said, “Oh, my God… it’s so wonderful… I can feel it… I can feel you… give me more, please give me more…” and I cried openly and shamelessly and did as she bade – nay, as our love for each other demanded.

And nothing happened.  The last time I talked to her after that fateful night, it was her telling me that she wasn’t pregnant but that she was both relieved and unhappy that she hadn’t been impregnated by me… and I felt the exact same way.  It would be a whole decade, maybe a little more than that, before we found each other again and confirmed that our love for each other was still very much in place.  Indeed, I was a little shocked when she told me that she had told her husband that she was very much in love with me and that I was in love with her – of course, she didn’t tell him all we had done.  She shocked me even more by telling me that he said that he knew we were in love from the beginning… and that he was okay with it and, nope, it didn’t hurt their love and marriage one damned bit.

Holy shit…

Now… I told you this to tell you something else that is oh, so very important.  It is, in fact, okay to love someone because, truly, you cannot do anything about the way you feel.  You do not have to do one damned thing about those feelings; you don’t even have to let the other person know if you don’t want to or can’t tell them.  All you have to do is accept that this is how you feel, that there’s just something about them that compels you to love them.  Oh, yes, it is difficult to fight the urge to act on your feelings, as you’ve just read… but, no, all that love really requires is that you accept it as-is and for what it is.  Actions, like making love or returning those feelings, isn’t a necessity and the hardest lesson I learned about being in love is that there are times when doing nothing is the right thing to do – just accept your feelings and, indeed, bask in the headiness of it all because, after all, everything you’ve ever learned about love says that it’s impossible to be in love with someone and still very much love someone else.

What you’ve learned – what I had learned prior to this – is 100% wrong… because it is very damned possible to be in love like this, whether you risk doing anything about it or not.  We all are made to believe that such things can only cause pain and irreparable damage to existing relationships… but that, like many other things about this, isn’t the whole truth because it’s improbable that we could be the only people to have experienced this and caused no damage of any kind.  Yes, the monogamy purists are apoplectic at this point, ranting about the betrayal of our vows and, to that end, they’d be right because that’s exactly what happened… but the point they’d overlook, the point they’d go out of their way to ignore and/or otherwise deny, is that love doesn’t care about our promises, that nothing conceived or contrived by man can stand against the power of love; all those things that we believe can’t and shouldn’t be done are, in fact, possible because all love really wants you to do is accept it and if you can do something about it, fine… but it’s very much okay if you never do anything except take love into your heart and feel that sense of comfort and bliss because you are more capable to love than you ever believe is possible.

The purists would point out that even if you didn’t physically break your vows, you did so emotionally so you’d be just as guilty as if you had done something… like it’s really possible to not think or feel love… and as if there’s really anything that can deflect the power of love and keep it from touching us once it has already touched us.  Yep, even I would say that if I could be imprisoned for what went on in my head, shit, I would have been locked up way before I learned just how powerful love can be; you can tell me to not think of these things and I could – and I have – tried not to think like that… and it’s impossible and quite unnatural, I think, to suppress one’s thoughts and emotions and against something that cannot be stopped despite our best efforts.

It’s okay to feel what you feel but it’s now all about how well you can accept those feelings and that you understand – and even if it’s because I’m telling you – that you don’t have to do anything else about how you feel, that your feelings can only destroy things if you allow them to.  Maybe there are those of you who think this is nonsense and sheer folly and if you do, fine… but it can’t ever change the fact that it happened to me and the woman I will always love… and we’re not the only people this has happened to and regardless of the outcome.

We were made to love and be loved and the rules, such as they are, don’t always prevent us from feeling more love than what’s “allowable;” our innate need to love and be loved just trumps the rules and, again, you don’t have to believe me but all you really have to do is think about any time in your lives when you were in love… and you knew that you loved someone else, too, and then how it made you feel to have to suppress, dismiss, and work to ignore what you were feeling… and maybe how that didn’t quite work the way you thought it was supposed to.  You may have stopped yourself from acting on those feelings… but did you really stop feeling it?  Is it still there, deep inside of you and warming you with its presence even though you’re really not thinking about it actively?  How many times have you told yourself that you shouldn’t be feeling this way… even though you know good and damned well that you do… yet, it escapes you that the one thing you thought to be impossible is, in fact, possible?

We do know that we are more than capable of falling in love more than once; what we don’t understand or that thing we try to prevent is that we can fall in love at any time and with anyone and no matter what our current situation is.  Like you, there was a time when I didn’t think such a thing was possible… and I was proved to be quite ignorant of what love can really do.  I just knew that falling in love while being in love was just a clusterfuck waiting to happen because it’s not as if other folks had not only learned what I learned but, sadly, had it all go horribly wrong… but there are some things I now understand about this; it’s not really cause and effect – just because we can be in love and fall in love with someone else doesn’t mean we have to do anything about it other than accepting the obvious fact that you are very capable of feeling love and in ways that makes all the staunch monogamists want to soil themselves.  They say it can’t and shouldn’t ever be done… but love says otherwise.

While I did what I did in this, I did learn that, no, you really don’t have to do a damned thing but, yeah, I learned that if you can do it, okay…  but, no, if you can keep yourself from acting, that’s okay, too, but you don’t have to reject your feelings or look at them as being improper either.  If someone tells you that they love you – but you’re already in love with someone – you don’t have to give anything back if you don’t have it to give. Don’t look at it as being impossible because it is possible; don’t kid yourself that such things aren’t ever supposed to happen because they do.  And, maybe it’s just my opinion but if you believe that you cannot allow yourself to feel multiple instances of love, perhaps you don’t really understand what love is.  I’m not trying to insult anyone by saying this and I’ll even apologize if you do feel insulted… but I know something about love that you don’t want to believe, just as I know that I’m not the only person to have learned about love and what it can really mean and despite what our morality demands in this:  To only love one person at a time and that to love someone else alongside that initial love is just wrong.

My friends, that just isn’t the whole truth of things; we are capable of so much more than what we’re being limited to.  We see it as a problem, an accident just waiting to happen… but the truth is that it doesn’t have to be that way, that being in love like this always means that you have to do something about it because we’re taught that when you love someone, you’re supposed to do X, Y, and Z and, yeah, sometimes, even if it complicates our lives because love isn’t always neat and clean, is it?  All you really have to do is accept it, that you can love and be loved by someone else even though you’re already in love with someone who is dear to your heart and soul.

I’ve learned that most people cannot get their heads around acceptance and that’s quite understandable since, again, we’ve been taught that it can’t and shouldn’t ever happen… and blatantly choosing to ignore the fact that it can happen and when you don’t even expect it to; ah, damn, that Murphy dude really knows how and when to just fuck shit up, doesn’t he?  So, yeah – just “merely” accepting it isn’t easy to do… but it can be done.  I have, in fact, fallen in love with someone else quite a few times since learning this valuable lesson… and have done nothing about it other than to accept that I love them.  I bask in it, I revel in the fact that I am capable of doing something that most people can’t allow themselves to do and all because we’re told not to do things like this and that because I do feel the way I do, the only thing that has changed is, well, how I feel; otherwise, it’s business as usual.

Not because I don’t want to – I just know that I don’t have to do anything except accept my feelings.  Likewise, I’ve had people tell me that they love me… and I’ve just accepted that this is how they feel even if I don’t feel love for them; I don’t fault or blame them for their feelings and my “lack” of reciprocating feelings don’t bother me because, duh, I can’t return a feeling that I don’t have, can I?  And it’s no big deal if I can’t return the sentiment and/or feelings – but I can accept it and be happy that someone finds me worthy of their love – and that’s a precious honor that I never take lightly anymore, not after what I learned about love.  We think… we are made to believe…  that there’s only one way to love, that love can only happen in a certain way and at a certain time and only in a specific way… and that’s not the truth – it just isn’t.  You may not believe it but there are others who will read this and they believe it because they’ve experienced it and the reality of it has hit them so hard that they can no longer deny that such a thing is very damned possible even if it’s not actionable.  Yes, it can be problematic, I’d never deny that or sugarcoat it in any way… but only if you allow it to be a problem by thinking you have to do something about it other than accepting your feelings.

I know it… others have learned what I learned so they know it as well… and the questions I will now leave you with are simply this:  Do you know it?  Do you believe it’s impossible?  Can you accept that love truly knows no boundaries?

 
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Posted by on 20 November 2015 in Life, Living and Loving

 

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