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Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: FWB (Friend With Benefits)

One of the changes in male bisexuality that I’ve seen is a shift from guys looking to hook up to requiring a single source for this sex.  It makes sense in that if you have that one guy you know a great deal about and implicitly trust – not only with the secret but with your health as well – that works well for a lot of guys and especially those men who aren’t fans of casual/hook up sex.  I was thinking about when I first heard about this and I seem to remember a lot of women talking about their “friend…” but not about a boyfriend.  A few women took the time to explain this “friend” thing; they hang out, have much sex, but they’re not in a committed relationship.  “We’re just really good friends,” one woman said as she blushed.

Okay, I got it now!  Now, this isn’t quite like having an affair although one could reasonably assume that it falls into the guidelines of FWB – in short – all of the benefits of being in a relationship but none of the responsibilities a committed relationship calls for.  It is not just a down-low thing, not when single people opt to not be in a relationship with someone but, um, they still wanna get laid and meet other people in their search for The One.  Relationship purists kinda/sorta frown at this because it’s so out of the box, you know, you meet someone, you date/court them, you commit to a relationship, get engaged, and get married.  Fornication – that’s having sex without being married – is considered to be a sin (which is where the saying “living in sin” comes from) and casts and evil eye on those who cohabit like they’re married but they aren’t… but shacking up is acceptable because if nothing else, the two sinners are, at the least, living with each other.

What I’ve seen in recent years and in the world of M2M is that FWB is kinda mutating and is being treated by some as a committed relationship and one that also implies exclusivity.  It often makes me shake my head when I see the guy son the bi guy forum (in particular) go on at great length about finding a FWB while, at the same time, saying that they’d rather not be in a committed relationship either because they can’t or it’s just not on their list of things to do.  Some guys approach the concept of FWB like it’s NSA – no strings attached – and, um, no, NSA is a different animal altogether.  What many of them learn is that the emotional connection they’re trying to avoid does come into play at some point and things get a bit more serious and that’s about the same time when things can get a bit rocky because someone is trying to handle a FWB arrangement as if it’s a committed and exclusive relationship.

In some ways, it smacks of hypocrisy for a guy who says he won’t throw down with another guy without them being into each other – a purely emotional context – while, again, not being of a mind to commit to “officially” being boyfriends but things get to the point where exclusivity hits the table.  This is another of those instances where I think you can’t have it both ways; you can’t want, require, or demand exclusive access to someone without a commitment to that end any more than you want some being into involved but wanting to avoid any emotional entanglements.

I’ve seen guys get into the FWB thing and things go sideways, like the FWB starts making demands on their time, has hissy fits when getting together can’t be done on demand, and even getting highly upset to find out that homey is seeing other guys.  Some FWBs seem to assume that if this is what’s going on, then exclusivity is somehow implied so if “Harry” and “Hal” have become FWB, neither of them are allowed to see anyone else – the two of them are assumed to be effectively off the market.  When FWB is taken to this place, things can get rather, ah, uncomfortable because you’ve gone from engaging with a guy that you can hang out with and/or have sex with to having a boyfriend who kinda/sorta thinks you two are a committed couple.  Since this isn’t the case – and because neither guy has actually and verbally committed to exclusivity and all that comes with it – wow, the shit hits the fan in a very explosive and messy way.

One guy I know of who had a FWB go sideways was telling me that he’d gone away for a few days and upon his return home, he found a slew of messages on his answering machine (yeah, it was that long ago) from his FWB demanding to know where he was and that he’d better call him if he knew what was good for him.  He told me that he called the guy back and the guy proceeded to read him the riot act and beginning with him having the audacity to leave town without telling him or asking him if he wanted to come along.  The rant continued as the FWB demanded to know what homey was up to and, yup, who else he was fucking… and the guy I know said he lost his cool at this point and told the FWB that, first, what he does when they’re not together is none of his business and where he goes – as well as his reason for going – is equally none of his damned business.  Then he said he asked the FWB, “Since when do I have to answer to you?”

The FWB said, “When you started fucking me, that’s when!”

Uh oh…

You see, just as with NSA sex, FWB sidesteps traditional thinking in this, like, the notion that if we’re having sex, then we are an exclusive, monogamous item.  Remember, FWB is supposedly all of the benefits of a relationship but none of the responsibilities so, to that end exclusivity and monogamy is outside of that remit – but both of those things are well within the domain of a committed relationship.  There are times when I think that because some folks are trying to normalize bisexuality and its related activities, instead of FWB being an uncommitted kind of thing, it’s becoming very much a committed relationship kind of thing in the minds of some guys.  We’re conditioned to behave monogamously and especially when sex is involved and many people still hold true that without a relationship, no sex can or should happen, nope, not without full investment in each other.  The problem comes into view when two guys want to do each other – because it’s convenient and safe as well as it speaking to the depth of their friendship – but a full, invested commitment to each other is either unwanted or impractical.

I’ve heard of guys getting very pissy because their FWB didn’t call them for a given length of time; I’ve heard of them getting highly upset and even depressed to think that this absence is due to their FWB out there laying the pipe to someone else, finding them somehow less desirable, stuff like that when, in fact, the FWB didn’t call them because he had other things to do and, um, they’re not officially boyfriends so there’s no need to always be checking in with each other and, basically, trying to run each other’s lives in any way.  I know there are bi guys who, emotionally, are looking for Mr. Right – they want that committed relationship with another guy and to be their one and only and there’s nothing wrong with wanting this but it’s just my opinion that the FWB model, taken literally, can’t work in this area and it really doesn’t work for those guys who are in a relationship – married – and taking on a second committed relationship could cause more problems than they’re willing to deal with.  NSA is undesirable, a committed “he’s my boyfriend” relationship is impractical and unwarranted so, yeah, FWB is the answer…

Except you probably shouldn’t try to handle a FWB arrangement as if it’s a committed and monogamously exclusive relationship and I’ve been wondering why there are some guys who are trying to do just that and then wind up getting their bubble burst when the whole things falls apart.  Surely, emotions can come into play; it seems unlikely that you’re gonna keep having sex with this guy and not develop some, ah, deeper feelings other than just friendship; ya might not come right out and say that what you’re feeling is love but, okay, it’s pretty damned close enough for government work.  Some guys have some interesting expectations when it comes to FWB and those expectations are more in line with a committed relationship than they are a matter of convenience which, in my opinion, is what FWB started out as but seems to be mutating and, sadly, for some, in some pretty disheartening ways.

FWB is supposed to be more than NSA but less than a monogamous relationship; it’s supposed to be a convenience and something special between close friends… but methinks this is morphing into something else and right now I can’t say that it’s a good or bad thing as far as bisexuality goes… but I can see how problematic this can become.  My protegé shared with me that from time to time, the guys he’s FWB with gives him grief about him not always being available to him when they want him to be; they feel some kind of way when he tells them about other guys he’s been with because it’s important where health is concerned.  My protegé is open and forthcoming with those guys – and as he should be – but their reaction to this openness is met with emotions that are borne of monogamous behavior; they see it like they’re FWB and fucking (or whatever) so exclusivity is implied and mandated even though he’s told them in no uncertain terms that he’s not interested in having a committed, monogamous, and exclusive relationship with them.  Yes, they are good friends and, really, ya can’t be FWB without the F-part of the phrase being in play, right?

It just kinda surprises me that there are men who seem to “insist” that FWB becomes more than what it originally was and even more so when many of those same men also say that they couldn’t see themselves being in a committed relationship with another man…

 
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Posted by on 2 March 2018 in Today's Bisexual Thoughts

 

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Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: Sexual Fidelity

I got this link in an email last night – https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/gay-and-lesbian-well-being/201102/is-sexual-fidelity-possible-or-even-necessary – and I gave it a read and thought, “Really?  Straight people and bisexuals figured this shit out quite some time ago…”  One of the things my nameless friend (and, yes, I forgot to ask his permission to name him here) and I talk about is bisexuality and monogamy and how our mindsets have to change in order for bisexuals, in particular, to be able to handle their business on the other side while being in a good and loving relationship.

We were recently talking about how gay men “despise” bisexual men because they worry about us cheating on them – and with a woman – and how much better things could be if they could understand what’s really something kinda simple:  Change the Matrix’s rules about monogamy and relationships so that cheating could essentially be eliminated.  Ah, yes, I can hear the hearts of those who are fiercely monogamous going into v-fib all over the blogosphere but as I’ve written quite a few times, it’s not that monogamy can’t work but its premise that one person is expected and required to take care of every need of their partner is unrealistic and, yes, serial monogamists, just because you don’t know of your partner’s “hidden” needs doesn’t mean that they don’t exist, okay?

You can go to a lot of site and see people pondering the question of why people cheat on each other and offering up all manners of suggestions that are supposed to ward off infidelity except the most obvious one:  Change the fucking rules so that you and your partner can be all about each other in this without this blind obedience to the Matrix’s mandate to keep only unto yourself and the seriously unnecessary reason why this was invoked to begin with and, yes, I’m mentioning it again, the conditions that existed when all this shit was created do not exist today… yet, even when we know this, we keep being lemmings and following along with the rest of the group, don’t we?

The Matrix would have you believe that sexual fidelity is mandatory, that “Barb” and “Glen” couldn’t possibly be happy if they were seeing other people or had other people involved in their lives and, yet, there are a lot of couples who are quite happy with such arrangements because they understand a few things that the Matrix would prefer they not understand, like, if you can’t take care of your man or woman, someone else can and will… but instead of this causing all sorts of drama, why not do this in a way where the drama wouldn’t exist?  People cheat for a lot of reasons and, I think, with the thought that it’s better to beg forgiveness than to ask permission… but what if you could ask permission… and what if you got it?

It goes against everything we’ve ever been taught about love, sex, and relationships and we act as if the things we learned about this can’t be changed… but if you vow or otherwise promise each other to be committed to them and the health and growth of the relationship, which thing is the most important:  Obeying the Matrix and pretty much setting yourself up to ultimately fail or making sure that you and your partner are the happiest y’all can be and no matter what it takes to make that happen?  It’s not as if the logic of the situation can’t be understood but emotionally?  I point out yet again that logic and common sense don’t fare well against raw emotion; Barb could logically agree with her man, Glen, that he would be a happier camper in their relationship if he was able to get some dick when he needs it; she could see the logic when he emphatically says to her that even though he needs this – and she sure as hell can’t give it to him – that has nothing to do with his love, desire, or commitment to her and their relationship.  But, emotionally?  Barb’s gonna need some Xanax – lots of Xanax because in her mind – because of what she was taught to believe – Glen should never, ever, want or need anything that she can’t provide nor should he ever give one nanosecond of thought to breaking his word to her and getting what he wants anyway.

She’ll agree to the logic and tell him in no uncertain terms that if he goes out and does this, don’t come back… and is this really necessary and more so when other aspects of the relationship are golden?  Is she all that willing to cut her nose off to spite her face when?  While this actually doesn’t make any sense, all the fans of monogamy will readily say that, yes, she should cut off her nose even though doing so is going to cause her some unrecoverable loss.

My nameless friend gives a real-life example of this via his interactions with his gay FWB.  The FWB has told him on several occasions that, yeah, he wouldn’t mind one bit if they played house and since he knows that my friend is bisexual, sure, if my friend wanted to get some coochie when he needed it, it’s not going to be a problem.  I like this about his FWB but, at least to me, this isn’t anything new but I will say that it’s taken long enough for gay folks to get on the bandwagon that straights and bisexuals have been on for a while; a great many of us figured out that it makes no damned sense to throw the baby out with the bath water, that the dreaded “having your cake and eating it” can actually be a good thing for the individuals involved and the relationship as a whole.

It can be done… but reshaping the face of monogamy isn’t going to easily happen because we cannot logically agree that it needs to change.  Yes, more and more couples – and regardless to sexuality – will find out that, hey, we can do this and still be happy and in love with each other; they might become swingers, have an open relationship, might even dip their toes into the polyamory pool in some way and bring a lover (or two or four) into their fold.  Yep, there are some rules – there has to be rules because as I told my friend last night, humans without order are a train wreck that’s just waiting to happen.  Jeez, I could probably write these rules down in a single blog that, yeah, would also take me days to finish because this is some really complex shit and so deep that it makes being monogamous look easy.  But it can be done and couples will continue to find ways to make it happen.

The article says that we could learn some shit from gay men – and with respect to any gay men reading this, I found that to be pretty damned funny because a lot of bisexual men have successfully negotiated this… freedom way before gay men realized that being monogamous was really for the birds.  But this is, on the whole, a good thing because we need to change the way we have relationships so that we can be as happy as humanly possible in them and without all the roadblocks that monogamy puts in place.  My nameless friend is currently searching for that woman who will not only easily accept his bisexuality but who’d also be open to the prospect of a modified relationship state and one that can benefit the both of them and I do wish him the best of luck in his quest; he has the advantage of living in one of the most sexually diverse cities in the country so he stands a pretty good chance of finding her… but, yeah, if he can’t, there’s the offer his FWB has put on the table, too, which does, in fact, speak to what the referenced article is talking about.

This mindset just isn’t restricted to homosexuals, though, so I had to point this out…

 
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Posted by on 30 December 2015 in Today's Bisexual Thoughts

 

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Being In Love

It’s a goal in life that a lot of us have and we go through a lot of things, do a lot of searching, and go through a lot of shit to find that one person we can fall in love with and with the expectation that they’re gonna love us as much as we love them – and love is the way we want to be loved.

This is all well and good.  Sometimes we confuse infatuation with love; we confuse sex with love; we think that we’ve found love (or it has found us) but what we find that we really found the wrong person or because we are so focused on finding love that we are easily fooled into believing that we finally found it.

What we find, at some point, is that we experience love many times while searching for The One; we learn from it, suffer both happiness and pain along the way but we doggedly keep searching for that one person that won’t be our alpha… but they’ll be our omega, the last and only person that we’ll ever love.

For some, this actually happens and somewhat easily but for others, well, let’s say that once they’ve fallen in love and are happy, they believe that it’s not possible for them to have love pay them another visit… and find themselves proven wrong… and now there’s a problem that many find hard to solve.

I’ve often wondered why it is that someone will fall in love for that “last” time and never consider that love can find them again.  After all, they’ve gone through a few instances of love trying to get to The One and as if they’re now immune against love touching them again, as if the person they’re now in love with is an immutable shield that will always protect and insulate them.

Which probably explains how totally dumbstruck they get when they find out differently, that you cannot escape love when it has run them down again… but they try, shoving monogamy and morality before them like a cross before the vampire and thinking that love will shy away from monogamy’s alleged power and ability to shield and protect, believing and even hoping that this social construct will be proof against one of the most powerful emotions we can experience.

Many are successful, in a sense; they don’t fall fully into love’s heady embrace… but they will always feel the effect or having been brushed by love.  Some cherish that touch while others fear it; they believe that love only happens once and to feel it again will destroy them, that love’s power will once again unlock things within them that they believed to be safely locked away behind monogam’s protective wall.

And then they find out that things don’t work the way they thought they did, that pretty much all they were taught – all the assumptions they made based on those teachings and their own experiences – is, at the least, inaccurate and, at the worst, very much wrong.

They say love is eternal, that it’s not easily banished, deflected, avoided  or ignored.  We do, in fact, have this proven to us and sometimes rather painfully when we thought we found love but it wasn’t the love we were looking for so we keep looking and hoping it will find us:  Hope keeps us looking for that which isn’t easy to find or to hold onto… but we know it’s out there and we are prepared and committed to spending our entire lives to wrap ourselves in love’s embrace for the one, last and final time.

And when we do, we think and believe that were safe and unable to love anyone else… but then we find that the love we have, as warm, comfortable and wonderful as it is, isn’t enough; we sense that our need and capacity for love is actually greater than we thought except, Houston, we have a problem:  The rules that govern our lives and behaviors in these things dictate that we should only love one person at a time and that even feeling love – or knowing that they are loved by another – is the height of impropriety and a moral taboo.

Some of us questions the mandate; we correctly guess that if we have been in love at times before we found our omega – and we still carry those past loves within us, then it is, indeed, quite possible that we can handle much more love than we’re told we should deal with.  Some of us accept this… but most cannot because they believe there can be only one true love even though that which they’re experiencing severely challenges their beliefs and exposes the lie of once you have love, you can’t have any more love or can’t receive it from, ah, other sources.

Thus, we think we know love, that we understand all there is to love and being loved, on,y to find that our understanding, such as it is, is sorely limited and lacking.  We underestimate love’s reach and power; we seek to keep it at arm’s length with social constructs that, in fact, have little power over love’s greater power.

And I’ve wondered why we do this, why we will go out of our way to find love… then go further out of our way to avoid it once we believe we have found it and as if we have no further use for love since we “apparently” have it already.  I’ve wondered why, when we experience another brush with love’s touch, we act as if it didn’t happen, that it’s not supposed to happen, and instead of basking in that additional touch, we become distraught and fight against it with all we can bring to bear.

And I’ve felt that we’ve all been taught that love is about doing this, that, or the other and that if you love – and even if you dare to love, something must be done about it; there are those who are afraid to love (or have been made to fear love) so, yes, the thing they are made to do when love touches their hearts is to fight it, to deny it, to resist it and to continue to fear it and even deem it to be useless.

All love wants anyone to do is accept it, to take it within themselves and feel good about and with it and, yes, even if they’re already in love and being love because we are told that love knows no bounds… yet, we act as if there is a limit to love, don’t we, that we should only go so far and never beyond that point.

Do you ever question this?  Do you ever wonder if there’s more to this than you know?  Do you think about why we don’t question these things or why we just accept that which we’ve been told or otherwise made to believe?

Perhaps you should.  I did; many people have and we’ve seen the lie we all have been told about what love is and what it’s supposed to do and the alleged singular way it’s supposed to work.  It is not about morals, this thing I’ve written today; it is really about one’s ability to love and understanding one’s capacity to love, even when already in love and that despite we have been told and what we believe, we are capable of so much more.

Do you know this?  Can you feel this?  Have you felt this?  And, most of all, do you believe this?

 
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Posted by on 23 November 2015 in Life, Living and Loving

 

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How Do You Feel?

Many years ago now, I learned some important lessons about something I had thought I knew already and they were taught to me when I fell deeply in love with someone I had “no business” falling in love with:  The wife of a friend and co-worker.  While I had spent a lot of time talking to her on the phone, the day I actually met her, the chemistry between us hit me so hard that I almost passed out – and that was before I shook her hand in greeting and when we touched, I was grateful that I didn’t have far to go to sit back down because my legs wouldn’t support me.

For a period of time after that fateful introduction, we talked about the way we felt, acknowledging the powerful and dangerous chemistry between us; we even talked about where we were being led and we desperately fought against doing something about the way we felt, our logic impeccably laid out as to why we dare not do what we both knew had to be done.  It wasn’t right; it was so totally immoral and dangerous to us both because just being in love with each other threatened our very lives and our respective families.

As I’ve written hundreds of times now, this woman was the one who taught me that you can’t do anything about the way you feel; you can only do something about how you may act on your feelings.  She was the one who taught me that just because you loved someone, that didn’t mean you had to do anything about it other than accept that this is how you feel.  I thought I knew about being in love, thought I understood all the aspects of it but this, dear God, this blindsided me, exposed an ignorance I hadn’t been aware of because I was, hands down, in love with this woman and every fiber of my being wanted to do everything I could about it… and I knew damned well that I shouldn’t.  She knew it, too; she had accepted all of this better than I had but, admittedly, felt the same thing I did, that something had to be done about this… and being the intelligent and perceptive people we both were, we knew that we would not be able to avoid the inevitable.

God knows we tried and it seemed that the more we tried, the stronger the pull became; it opened up things for the two of us that neither thought was even possible, things that only existed in cheesy romance novels, or only in our dreams.  Every moment that passed kept pushing us forward even when we logically agreed that if we stopped talking to each other, the compelling force drawing us together would go away and, in time, be forgotten… but we couldn’t even do that, not when I would be making a business call and when the phone was answered on the other end, I discovered that I had dialed her number instead… even when I was looking at the phone’s keypad when making the call.

Holy mother of Christ… what was going on here?  Just the same, the more we talked, the more we shared with each other, the stronger our love became and we just accepted it – it is what it is and maybe, just maybe, people weren’t meant to be limited to loving just one person because I loved my wife just as she loved her husband… but we also loved each other and it was insane… but it felt right even in its moral wrongness.  The pressure to do something about our feelings seemed to subside and we both thought that we had succeed in heading off the inevitable, that we were now in a safe place with each other.

And we were wrong.  We were sitting in her kitchen, drinking coffee, and just talking when the pressure returned full force; I felt it at the same time she did and we were both stunned by it because, foolishly, we thought it had gone away when, in fact, all we had subconsciously done was accept that something was going to happen and when she asked, “Are we gonna do this or what?” for a split second, I wanted to say no – I had to say no – and the truth was that I was still screaming at myself to say no as we kissed for the first time… and that sealed our fates. She took me by the hand, her intention to lead me upstairs to the comfort of the bed in her spare room… and we didn’t make it, losing our clothes before reaching the stairs… and we feasted on each other right there on the steps, on the landing, in the hallway, on that bedroom floor and it was incredible; it was powerful and all-consuming… and we just couldn’t stop.

If that first kiss sealed our fates, the moment I entered her did much more than that; it marked and bonded us for life.  We made love for hours and as if we had never had sex before, driven by both lust and love.  I kept taking her and taking her and in every way I knew how and the more I gave, the more she wanted, the more she needed.  Our very souls had joined together and we were so lost in each other that reason and common sense had no meaning; the sheer wrongness of what we were doing spurred us on further, pushing us beyond anything we had previously experienced until she could take no more… but I still had much more to give and that, all by itself, shocked and amazed me.  She was more than spent and sated… which didn’t stop me from taking her one last time as we showered because I just couldn’t not take her again.

“I hate you.”

Her words crushed me; how could she hate me after what we’d just spent the whole afternoon doing?  But she explained by saying that she hated how I made her feel and not for what we had done and in all its terrible wrongness, it all felt right.  We reveled in our love, astonished each other in the way we’d make love for hours on end and we both thought that we had gone as far as we could in this until the love we felt reared up and had us thinking about leaving our spouses and making a life together… and we learned that if we did that, it would be the biggest mistake ever made in our lives.  We kinda came to our senses after facing the pure, raw power of love and how it can remove rational thought, how it could crush intelligence and logic, how it could utterly obliterate common sense.  The love was still very much there and we knew that no matter what happened, it would always be there.  The lust was there, unabated and unfettered and we basked in it at every opportunity.

At one point, we “broke up” because it had to be done; the danger of our love had taken us from running away together to wanting to make a child of our own… and the only thing that stopped that from happening was her joking about not being able to explain to her husband why “their” baby was born with a permanent tan… so we had to break it off.  The breakup lasted all of a month and it was painful… but it made sense.  She accidentally called me one day and the sound of her voice made all my feelings for her stand up (as well as something else); she apologized for the mistake and we laughed about it until she said, “I need you.  Now.  Come to me…”  I should have stayed right where I was; I should have let the distance between us act as a shield to protect us both… and I was powerless to do so.  I came to her… and took her over and over as if that month we spent apart never happened but with one very notable difference:  We were now under control and immune to what love’s power was pushing us to do.

Now, there may be some of you who are reading this and thinking, “How could you do such a thing?  How could you work with her husband – your friend – every day and not feel the guilt and shame of what you two had done?”  Actually, it was easier than you may want to believe.  I admired him and, as odd as it sounds, respected him more than I had before.  Yes, I was well aware of the fact that if he ever found out, he would strike out at me in some way and I was prepared for that… but I didn’t hate or despise him in any way.  Yeah, it was like that and we did our male bonding thing rather well and more so because he and I had something very much in common:  We both loved his wife with all our heart and soul.

We “broke up” for the final time and, again, because we knew it had to happen and the necessity of it all was painful for us to accept… but we accepted it… and we have never stopped loving each other even though we’ve not seen each other since the very last time we made love one stormy, snowy night and, romantically so, by the fireplace.  There was, in fact, one last thing that had to be done, something I believe I innately knew but hadn’t actually thought about until she told me what that thing was as we undressed each other.  You see, during all the times we made love, I had cum in her mouth; I had cum in her ass and had cum all over her in various places… but I had never cum inside her and, yes, I did her raw because she wouldn’t have it any other way.  She said to me, “Just once, I want to feel you cum inside of me and I don’t care what happens when you do.”

Despite my reminding her of the danger of this, I knew this would be the last thing we’d ever do, one final piece of an incredibly complex puzzle.  I spent the next couple of hours filling her with my seed, all caution set aside as we were scorched by our love, the heat of our passion, and the fireplace.  The first time I spilled inside of her, she said, “Oh, my God… it’s so wonderful… I can feel it… I can feel you… give me more, please give me more…” and I cried openly and shamelessly and did as she bade – nay, as our love for each other demanded.

And nothing happened.  The last time I talked to her after that fateful night, it was her telling me that she wasn’t pregnant but that she was both relieved and unhappy that she hadn’t been impregnated by me… and I felt the exact same way.  It would be a whole decade, maybe a little more than that, before we found each other again and confirmed that our love for each other was still very much in place.  Indeed, I was a little shocked when she told me that she had told her husband that she was very much in love with me and that I was in love with her – of course, she didn’t tell him all we had done.  She shocked me even more by telling me that he said that he knew we were in love from the beginning… and that he was okay with it and, nope, it didn’t hurt their love and marriage one damned bit.

Holy shit…

Now… I told you this to tell you something else that is oh, so very important.  It is, in fact, okay to love someone because, truly, you cannot do anything about the way you feel.  You do not have to do one damned thing about those feelings; you don’t even have to let the other person know if you don’t want to or can’t tell them.  All you have to do is accept that this is how you feel, that there’s just something about them that compels you to love them.  Oh, yes, it is difficult to fight the urge to act on your feelings, as you’ve just read… but, no, all that love really requires is that you accept it as-is and for what it is.  Actions, like making love or returning those feelings, isn’t a necessity and the hardest lesson I learned about being in love is that there are times when doing nothing is the right thing to do – just accept your feelings and, indeed, bask in the headiness of it all because, after all, everything you’ve ever learned about love says that it’s impossible to be in love with someone and still very much love someone else.

What you’ve learned – what I had learned prior to this – is 100% wrong… because it is very damned possible to be in love like this, whether you risk doing anything about it or not.  We all are made to believe that such things can only cause pain and irreparable damage to existing relationships… but that, like many other things about this, isn’t the whole truth because it’s improbable that we could be the only people to have experienced this and caused no damage of any kind.  Yes, the monogamy purists are apoplectic at this point, ranting about the betrayal of our vows and, to that end, they’d be right because that’s exactly what happened… but the point they’d overlook, the point they’d go out of their way to ignore and/or otherwise deny, is that love doesn’t care about our promises, that nothing conceived or contrived by man can stand against the power of love; all those things that we believe can’t and shouldn’t be done are, in fact, possible because all love really wants you to do is accept it and if you can do something about it, fine… but it’s very much okay if you never do anything except take love into your heart and feel that sense of comfort and bliss because you are more capable to love than you ever believe is possible.

The purists would point out that even if you didn’t physically break your vows, you did so emotionally so you’d be just as guilty as if you had done something… like it’s really possible to not think or feel love… and as if there’s really anything that can deflect the power of love and keep it from touching us once it has already touched us.  Yep, even I would say that if I could be imprisoned for what went on in my head, shit, I would have been locked up way before I learned just how powerful love can be; you can tell me to not think of these things and I could – and I have – tried not to think like that… and it’s impossible and quite unnatural, I think, to suppress one’s thoughts and emotions and against something that cannot be stopped despite our best efforts.

It’s okay to feel what you feel but it’s now all about how well you can accept those feelings and that you understand – and even if it’s because I’m telling you – that you don’t have to do anything else about how you feel, that your feelings can only destroy things if you allow them to.  Maybe there are those of you who think this is nonsense and sheer folly and if you do, fine… but it can’t ever change the fact that it happened to me and the woman I will always love… and we’re not the only people this has happened to and regardless of the outcome.

We were made to love and be loved and the rules, such as they are, don’t always prevent us from feeling more love than what’s “allowable;” our innate need to love and be loved just trumps the rules and, again, you don’t have to believe me but all you really have to do is think about any time in your lives when you were in love… and you knew that you loved someone else, too, and then how it made you feel to have to suppress, dismiss, and work to ignore what you were feeling… and maybe how that didn’t quite work the way you thought it was supposed to.  You may have stopped yourself from acting on those feelings… but did you really stop feeling it?  Is it still there, deep inside of you and warming you with its presence even though you’re really not thinking about it actively?  How many times have you told yourself that you shouldn’t be feeling this way… even though you know good and damned well that you do… yet, it escapes you that the one thing you thought to be impossible is, in fact, possible?

We do know that we are more than capable of falling in love more than once; what we don’t understand or that thing we try to prevent is that we can fall in love at any time and with anyone and no matter what our current situation is.  Like you, there was a time when I didn’t think such a thing was possible… and I was proved to be quite ignorant of what love can really do.  I just knew that falling in love while being in love was just a clusterfuck waiting to happen because it’s not as if other folks had not only learned what I learned but, sadly, had it all go horribly wrong… but there are some things I now understand about this; it’s not really cause and effect – just because we can be in love and fall in love with someone else doesn’t mean we have to do anything about it other than accepting the obvious fact that you are very capable of feeling love and in ways that makes all the staunch monogamists want to soil themselves.  They say it can’t and shouldn’t ever be done… but love says otherwise.

While I did what I did in this, I did learn that, no, you really don’t have to do a damned thing but, yeah, I learned that if you can do it, okay…  but, no, if you can keep yourself from acting, that’s okay, too, but you don’t have to reject your feelings or look at them as being improper either.  If someone tells you that they love you – but you’re already in love with someone – you don’t have to give anything back if you don’t have it to give. Don’t look at it as being impossible because it is possible; don’t kid yourself that such things aren’t ever supposed to happen because they do.  And, maybe it’s just my opinion but if you believe that you cannot allow yourself to feel multiple instances of love, perhaps you don’t really understand what love is.  I’m not trying to insult anyone by saying this and I’ll even apologize if you do feel insulted… but I know something about love that you don’t want to believe, just as I know that I’m not the only person to have learned about love and what it can really mean and despite what our morality demands in this:  To only love one person at a time and that to love someone else alongside that initial love is just wrong.

My friends, that just isn’t the whole truth of things; we are capable of so much more than what we’re being limited to.  We see it as a problem, an accident just waiting to happen… but the truth is that it doesn’t have to be that way, that being in love like this always means that you have to do something about it because we’re taught that when you love someone, you’re supposed to do X, Y, and Z and, yeah, sometimes, even if it complicates our lives because love isn’t always neat and clean, is it?  All you really have to do is accept it, that you can love and be loved by someone else even though you’re already in love with someone who is dear to your heart and soul.

I’ve learned that most people cannot get their heads around acceptance and that’s quite understandable since, again, we’ve been taught that it can’t and shouldn’t ever happen… and blatantly choosing to ignore the fact that it can happen and when you don’t even expect it to; ah, damn, that Murphy dude really knows how and when to just fuck shit up, doesn’t he?  So, yeah – just “merely” accepting it isn’t easy to do… but it can be done.  I have, in fact, fallen in love with someone else quite a few times since learning this valuable lesson… and have done nothing about it other than to accept that I love them.  I bask in it, I revel in the fact that I am capable of doing something that most people can’t allow themselves to do and all because we’re told not to do things like this and that because I do feel the way I do, the only thing that has changed is, well, how I feel; otherwise, it’s business as usual.

Not because I don’t want to – I just know that I don’t have to do anything except accept my feelings.  Likewise, I’ve had people tell me that they love me… and I’ve just accepted that this is how they feel even if I don’t feel love for them; I don’t fault or blame them for their feelings and my “lack” of reciprocating feelings don’t bother me because, duh, I can’t return a feeling that I don’t have, can I?  And it’s no big deal if I can’t return the sentiment and/or feelings – but I can accept it and be happy that someone finds me worthy of their love – and that’s a precious honor that I never take lightly anymore, not after what I learned about love.  We think… we are made to believe…  that there’s only one way to love, that love can only happen in a certain way and at a certain time and only in a specific way… and that’s not the truth – it just isn’t.  You may not believe it but there are others who will read this and they believe it because they’ve experienced it and the reality of it has hit them so hard that they can no longer deny that such a thing is very damned possible even if it’s not actionable.  Yes, it can be problematic, I’d never deny that or sugarcoat it in any way… but only if you allow it to be a problem by thinking you have to do something about it other than accepting your feelings.

I know it… others have learned what I learned so they know it as well… and the questions I will now leave you with are simply this:  Do you know it?  Do you believe it’s impossible?  Can you accept that love truly knows no boundaries?

 
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Posted by on 20 November 2015 in Life, Living and Loving

 

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The Shit Is About To Get Deep

One of my Facebook friends posted a picture that showed a woman saying that she didn’t need a man, her daughter saying she didn’t want a man, and a baby boy saying that he didn’t want to be a man; the picture asked about what message can be inferred from this… and what can be inferred is so totally fucked up it isn’t funny.

That the characters depicted were Black makes this whole situation deplorable in my opinion.  So, in response to this, I asked what I thought was an obvious question:  “So why complain about not having a man?”

Along these lines, an easier thing posted by another Facebook friend said that a strong woman doesn’t need a man… but she wants him unless he fucks up, course – and I paraphrased that for simplicity.  I found that I couldn’t completely buy into this sentiment since the word “slacking” was used, a term that’s rather broad and subjective.

And it’s all disturbing and does not speak well of men at all.  Historically, we have used any means, fair or foul, to get women and our collective inability to keep any promises made not only makes us liars but has eroded any trust women may have had in us or, as it always seems to be, makes getting a woman almost impossible even when our intentions are honorable and true.

When a woman says that she doesn’t need a man, gentlemen, we have a problem; when that woman passes that sentiment on to her daughter, we have a bigger problem; when a baby boy improbably says he doesn’t want to be a man, we are well and truly fucked.  When a woman has to get into narrowing down “want” and “need” when it comes to us, ditto – break out the anal lube because this is gonna hurt.

If a woman doesn’t want a man, it’s because she’s become disillusioned because instead of the man being part of her solution, he becomes part of her problem and let’s face it:  Some of us are the problem.  Okay,miss also true that some women can’t function in a relationship very well and just makes it hard for a man to want to do right by her thanks to a plethora of conflicting signals, oh, like, “I want and need you to sex me up good!” and then pitching a bitch about him always wanting sex.

We want and, indeed, need to relate… and we always find a way to just fuck it all up and then bitch and whine when we continuously keep getting and doing it wrong – and then we pass that shit to our children, filling their heads with our frustration and disillusionment so that they will grow up expecting failure at every turn and, perhaps subconsciously, doing shit to guarantee failure… so we can whine, bitch, moan and make poisonous statements like the ones I started this writing with.

As I responded to the first thing, this is a disease – and especially among Blacks – that we need to cure because this mentality threatens to destroy our culture and our rich, proud heritage and this threatens our existence as a race of people.

Good men aren’t born; they have to learn to be good men… but whose definition of “good” are we using?  Have men today been taught the values that would make them qualify as a good man, beyond having a big dick and knowing how to break a girl’s back and turn her out?  The evidence says no; otherwise, there wouldn’t be so many women saying that they don’t need a man because they can truly do badly all by themselves.  There wouldn’t be so many women asking, “Where are all the good men?” or, yeah, learning that all the really good men have already been snatched up by other women but, um, by women who seem to be somewhat incapable of keeping that man fully by her side but, yeah, he’s still learned to be as good of a man that’s needed because he learned how to be like that, as strange as it seems.

To this particular end, this is where I remind all of you that despite what you’ve been made to believe, monogamy is terribly flawed; it’s an idea that doesn’t always work in the real world and I don’t care what you say – if it really did work as intended, no one would have problems getting, having, and keeping a mind-blowing relationship that only death can dissolve.

No one.

Ever.  Anyway…

Relationships just don’t happen and then become self-sustaining and if the people involved aren’t willing to do whatever is necessary to keep it working properly, then men wouldn’t have such a high failure rate and now willing to not even try to be good men… and women wouldn’t be saying they don’t need men and/or whining about not being to find one, good or otherwise.

Do you not see the problem here?  I do… and it’s sad and dangerously so because our failures are infecting our children with the same bad shot that we allow ourselves to be infected with and, often, because we’re all about what we want to do instead of what we can do; we expect, even subconsciously, a man or woman to fit an ideal picture in our head and one that’s built on faulty data – monogamy or the lies we tell to get what we want that are believed – then we get all out of sorts when reality delivers a different picture.

Yes, many of us get it right; we figure out how to be that good man or the woman who can need and want a man… but I’m not talking about these folks.  No, I’m talking about the ones who are all too willing to give up trying; I’m talking about the ones who are so lazy as to expect “The One” to fall out the sky and into their laps; I’m talking about the ones who always find faults in others and without recognizing or acknowledging their own faults when it comes to this necessity of life and, yes, I’m even talking about the one who can see their collusion and complicity in this failure… but never feel that they have to change anything about themselves in order to get the happiness they crave.  I’m talking about the ones who have expectations so high that no human yet born could ever hope to reach and then wonder why they fail and/or why they “get treated so bad” when they are, in fact, the sole reason; they not only set themselves up to fail but everyone they try to relate with.

Do you not see the problem?  Do you not recognize the diseased mindset that, left untreated, will ultimately be the end of us all?  We all have that “I want what I want and the way I want it” thing going on with us but, um, if it’s not exactly that way, do you have what it takes to work with someone who, hopefully, wants to forego “what they want” for “what we can do together” and build something that’s unique and tailored to everyone involved?

It seems, by those Facebook things I mentioned, apparently not because if they were, there would be less people feeling like that.  We have the power to get this much needed thing done; we can effect change in something that hasn’t changed since before the time of Christ… but I guess it’s easier to spout such negative and devisive statements than it is to do something about it and just roll over and show our bellies or, yeah, make ourselves unobtainable by drawing thick lines between that which we want and what we need.

Do you not see the problem? Do you not see how we are fucking each other up and future generations of ourselves?  When a woman emphatically states that she doesn’t need a man, do you not see the problem here – and it ain’t just about those men she deems unworthy or beneath her?  Fellas, it doesn’t help that some us are part of the problem but I dunno know about y’all but when I hear a woman say this, it not only greatly worries me but can diminish my worth as a man because while it’s bad for women to not wants us, it is disastrous when they believe we are no longer needed.

All of this is a threat to our continued existence regardless to race, color, creed, or sexuality orientation/designation:  If this keeps up, if this diseased mindset continues to poison and ruin us unchecked and without effecting a cure, we will ultimately face extinction and not one due to our genocidal behavior to make war on each other over differences in ideology.

Whew… what a rant this was…

 
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Posted by on 19 November 2015 in Life, Living and Loving

 

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Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: Threat Assessment

In the world of relationships, we guard against anyone who might be a threat to our relationship; I’ve seen people lose trust in their long-time friends and even family members have been seen as threats to put our relationship asunder.  Now, add bisexuality to the equation.

As I mentioned my my last blog, I’ve seen guys (in particular) learn that their woman is (or always has been) bisexual and they accept this because they don’t see another woman being a threat to them, not like a dude would be… and they’re proceeding from a false assumption and I’ll spell it all out.

In this supposedly non-threatening situation, it seems to be “universally” believed that if “Grace” is being quite cozy with “Laurel,” the only thing going on between them is affection at the least, lust at the worse; I’ve felt that few people ever add the possibility of love happening and they don’t give much thought to the fact that they can lose their woman to anyone at any time… and it might not be to another guy.

Don’t get me wrong – if ya don’t feel threatened by this, that’s a good thing and you get extra Brownie points from me but, yeah, I’m also telling you that the threat is very real even if you don’t care to believe it is.

Some dudes just simply do not want anyone messing with “their” pussy; I’ve heard of guys demand that their gynecologist has to be female and I’ve seen them act like fierce guard dogs if the GYN is male.  So for these guys to find out that his woman likes pussy?  That can be just as bad as when a woman finds out that her man enjoys dick – can you say “royal cluster fuck?”  Sure you can!

Most women are going to take the news that her man is bisexual very personally and badly and she’s not necessarily “worried” about him leaving her for some dude – she’ll almost always assume that his sexuality has something to do with his feelings for her or that he’s not happy with the quality and quantity of the sex he has with her.

Um, we know – and because I’ve already told you – that sometimes a guy is bisexual because, bluntly, girlfriend ain’t giving it up to his satisfaction – but this isn’t the point right now… but it is abou how unhappy she might be at hearing this news.  Now, are there some women who, like men, split the difference and say it’s okay because homey ain’t boning the chick next door and since he ain’t, she sees no reason to feel threatened?

Yeah, I’ve actually met a few and the keyword here is “few.”  In any event, one should not just assume that any same-sex goings on are a threat… but one shouldn’t assume that a threat isn’t going to present itself, oh, like “Grace” just might decide that she loves “Laurel” more than the guy she’s been with and gets in the wind.

If you think it can’t or shouldn’t ever happen, well, I’m here to tell you that you’re dead wrong, just like I’m here to tell you that there’s nothing you can do to prevent such a thing from happening and that if you do try this, you just might wind up driving your bisexual partner into someone else’s arms.  And, yes and sadly, I’ve seen this happen because while there is the way things are supposed to be, there is always the way things are and the truth we are all loath to accept is that shit can happen.

No one wants to lose someone they love to the “competition” so it’s my opinion that this situation is a trust issue, that you’re trusting that your partner’s sexuality isn’t going to bring the relationship to ruins… and that your partner’s negative thoughts about sexuality isn’t going to do the same… but the threat of loss is always very real.

Managing any relationship is partially about loss prevention, isn’t it?  Bisexuals can’t help feeling bisexual; the only thing they can control are their actions in this and, no:  Not all bisexuals want to do something about the way they feel.  Thus, while the threat of loss is always real, it doesn’t help for a couple to assume a threat is imminent, even if the bisexual in question wants to do something about what they’re feeling.

You find out you’re dealing with a bisexual and, I gotta tell you, trying to put them on lockdown and/or using other threats to “keep them in line” and under control is absolutely the wrong thing to do.  Just like the bisexual had to do, all you have to do is find a way to accept that they’re bisexual.  Sure, you’re gonna question their intentions in this… and now it’s really a trust issue.  If they swear to you that they have no intentions to do anything, well, believe them while keeping Mr. Murphy in mind but do not assume that Murphy is going to be in play by default!

Don’t assume that all is lost; don’t assume that there’s any infidelity in play… but don’t assume that loss can’t happen… because it can because, bluntly, nothing lasts forever.  Trust in the love you share with each other; trust in the strength of that love and, yes, work together to manage the bisexuality revelation that’s come to light.

 
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Posted by on 10 November 2015 in Today's Bisexual Thoughts

 

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Monogamy Isn’t Dead, But…

I was reading this blog – https://polytalkbykitty.wordpress.com/2015/09/28/monogamy-under-the-microscope-cnn-time-and-the-ashley-madison-hack/ – and it was a good one, too, and one that got me thinking about monogamy and the fact that monogamy isn’t dead, but there are more people who are understanding that monogamy just isn’t as fulfilling as it may have been intended to be.  Yeah, that whole Ashley Madison thing was a joke – lots of hypocrisy and infidelity going on there as well as the owners of the site using “dirty tricks” to entice people to pay for membership and in the hope of hooking up with someone who’d be interested in having an affair.

There are a lot of people who think that because there are so many other people “turning away” from monogamy, we’ve become immoral and we’ve lost our way and so much that there’s great fear about the future of our society.  My own thoughts, such as they are, are that there are those of us who are finally realizing that monogamy isn’t all that it’s been hyped up to be and that being monogamous is more of a hinderance when it comes to certain things, namely, the satisfaction of one’s needs and the growing, obvious fact that one person just isn’t capable of handling all of which their partner may want and need which, I’m thinking, is why the tenets of monogamy imply that you shouldn’t have any other wants and needs that don’t include your partner.

Yeah, some people find it easier to cheat than it is to attempt to negotiate for a form of non-monogamy – and understandably so since for some folks, asking for permission to be unfaithful just doesn’t make any sense at all.  Some folks find that there’s a certain… arrogance in play here as well as a great deal of indifference; “I should be all that you ever need and if I’m not, well, too bad, huh?  If you don’t like it, you can always leave… and don’t let the doorknob hit in you in the ass on your way out!”

Some find being monogamous to be severely limiting, not just in the areas of sexual congress but in other areas of personal growth so, as such, some folks find that monogamy is more oppressive than anything else since they’re not allowed to be the person they feel they need to be and are forced to be the person someone else expects them to be.  Still, monogamy isn’t dead, but there are people who are just tired of being put on lockdown, tired of having their wants and needs ignored or suppressed for some greater good that never seems to appear and, yeah, to them, monogamy just doesn’t make a lot of sense these days.   Since humans are some pretty creative animals, we’ve learned that we can have our cake and eat it – and that everyone involved can have fun chowing down on the cake as well by engaging in what’s being called ethical non-monogamy or, as I like to call it, negotiated infidelity.  No matter what you wanna call it, it is quite oddly like being bisexual in that you have the best of both worlds – the stability and security and comfort of being monogamous as well as the sheer thrill of being able to attend to your needs – or the needs of your partner – as required.

Monogamy isn’t dead, but maybe it’s no longer wholly capable of handling the needs of the folks in a relationship.  I was thinking about some of the conversations I’ve had with a fellow WordPress blogger (she knows who she is) on the subject of monogamy and her views on it… and then her response to what is, for me, a simple question:  What if there’s something you need or want that your husband cannot provide for you?  What do you do?  She’s funny in that on the one hand, she contends that she’s never supposed to want anything or anyone other than what her husband can provide… but there are, in fact, some things she needs that there’s no way he can provide.  For my friend – and for countless other people bound by the tenets of monogamy, this is a problem – no, it is a major problem because monogamy demands that in this situation, you are unconditionally assed out and you’re just gonna have to learn to live without whatever it was you wanted that your partner cannot – or, in some cases, will not – provide to ensure your continued happiness in the relationship and, no, sex isn’t the only thing that can fall into this category.

Monogamy isn’t dead, but some folks, as I’ve said, are just tired of being put on lockdown; they’re not allowed to have close opposite sex friends or even close same sex friends; your life, such as it is, it totally and, supposedly, irrevocably in the hands and under the control of the dominant person in the relationship or, kinda simply, you do things in the relationship and in the way they want you to do them or else.  The way some folks approach and interpret monogamy is, plainly, frightening because, in their minds, they own you and the only hopes, dreams, desires, whatever, you are allowed to have are the ones they allow you to have.  They have this “my way or the highway” mentality that, at the end of the day, proves to be so oppressive and suppressive that not only there are thoughts of being non-monogamous to escape this environment, actions are taken toward that end… and what I believe to be the worst thing is that if there’s no action taken – and it’s not taken out of fear – a very nasty sense of resentment will settle onto the relationship and one that will signal the beginning of the end – the relationship will die a slow, terrible, and painful death.

When people are unfaithful, there are many adjectives and epithets used to describe such heinous, immoral behavior like being weak-minded and susceptible to temptation, not being able to commit to the relationship, being a dog, a slut or whore and, well, the list gets longer and nastier; it’s always the fault of the person being unfaithful and while there are some situations where a partner knows that they’re the reason why their partner is being unfaithful (or having thoughts in that direction), I don’t think that anyone ever thinks about the real culprit in any of this:  Monogamy.  They don’t see – or can’t see – that monogamy was designed to accommodate a particular need and in order to accomplish that particular goal, it was necessary to suppress any or all desires that would make the goal unreachable; there’s a reason why we promise, vow, and are expected to keep only unto ourselves, that no man can put asunder, and hanging in there for better or for worse.  For a lot of people, monogamy is a hostile environment and one that’s designed to inhibit some shit even though monogamy is supposed to allow us to grow together… but only in a specified, limited way so, if you’d really care to think about it, monogamy isn’t always what it provides as a state of relationship – it’s what it doesn’t or can’t provide that causes the most problems.

Indeed, we think that the tenets of monogamy are forever sealed in lead, that the rules can never, ever be changed… except, when we’re in a relationship, we’re told that our relationship is only going to be as good as we can make it but, um, didn’t it ever occur to anyone that in order for us to make our relationship as good as we can make it, er, we might have to tweak or even break some rules to make this happen?  In being monogamous, we’re supposed to be of one mind, one heart, and all that good stuff which, depending on how you care to look at it, removes the individuality of the people involved from the equation; you’re expected and required to give up who you are as a person – all your hopes, your dreams, your desires, and even your thoughts – in favor of this supposedly better dynamic.  And, yes, sometimes it works… but not always because, again if you care to look at it, the logic of monogamy is flawed because it really doesn’t leave room or allow for anyone to change anything.  People eventually see this in some way and they think that there’s nothing that can be done about it other than dissolving the relationship and starting over… but that’s not exactly the truth and it’s a truth that, overall, we – society – won’t acknowledge… because we’re not supposed to – we’ve been told not to.

Monogamy isn’t dead, but, yeah, there are a lot of people who are learning, and often the hard way, that monogamy doesn’t always work as advertised; if you need something that your partner cannot or will not provide, you are fucked and not in a good way and if you don’t like it, well, all you can do is not like it – or hit the road which is something, oddly enough, isn’t really an option for a lot of folks.  So, um, if you have wants and needs that your partner can’t or won’t provide for your continued well-being and finding yourself being single again just ain’t gonna work for you, then what do you do?  It’s an obvious and proven fact that there are some people who will not choose to do nothing about this situation… but they also don’t want to give up the good things that being in the relationship provides them, either.  So people cheat… or they find a compromise to the situation that is agreeable to everyone involved.

It’s playing by the rules… and not so much.  That people are finding some creative ways to have their cake and eat it has always been seen as being immoral and anyone doing this is deemed to be morally bankrupt… but is that really the truth?  What more people are discovering is that they can, in fact, create their own version of what it means to be monogamous so that they can make their relationship the best it can be for both of them; they do this because they dare to question that which is supposedly never to be questioned, they fiddle with the rules that are supposed to be inviolate and, I’d say to the dismay of those fierce believers in monogamy, they find a way to make it work and keep each other happily together.

Ah, man… this is such a hot-button topic, ain’t it?  At least in my mind, it comes down to something I find interesting:  When you’re in a relationship, are you supposed to do things with and for each other out of love… or are we supposed to do things because we’ve been told to do only certain things?  I know that I love Linda… just as I also know that for me to think or even believe that I am all that she will ever want and/or need is just patently ridiculous; I’m good… but I’m not that good.  Monogamy requires me to be all that she will ever want and need… but my love for her is quite capable of finding creative ways to handle this.  Given that we’re both bisexual – and this is usually a problem in a monogamous relationship – if she were to tell me that she wanted a girlfriend to play with and it would make her a happy camper, my love for her will not allow me to tell her no – but monogamy demands that this is exactly what I’m supposed to do… and I’m thinking that monogamy has no fucking idea what it’s like to live with Linda when she’s unhappy about something.  I know that if I were to tell her that she couldn’t have a girlfriend/playmate, one of two things are gonna happen (or both will):  She’s going to be hell to live with and she just might veto my decision and go get that girlfriend/playmate anyway.  In my mind, it’s kinda simple:  If I can’t be totally responsible for her happiness, then she has to be responsible for her happiness.  My choice in this is easy – it’s better to contribute to her happiness and growth than it is to be subjected to her ire and displeasure and, really, running the risk of her walking away from me and all because I wanted to be stubborn about it and hold her to a standard that just ain’t working for her totally and completely.

Monogamy isn’t dead… but it’s not the only way to have a good and meaningful relationship.  Yep, cheating sucks but most people just cannot see or understand why cheating happens and one of the reasons why it happens is because of the restrictions being monogamous puts on us.  It is said that it’s better to beg forgiveness than to ask permission – and this is what a lot of people do and often with disastrous, catastrophic results… but a lot of people have found that is it better to ask permission and, of course, more so when permission is given and shared because what’s good for the goose can be good for the gander.  Happiness in a relationship is something that we have to make for ourselves and not something that’s”automatically” provided or assumed.

This is my thoughts about this for the moment and I’ll leave you to your own thoughts about it for now…

 
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Posted by on 1 October 2015 in Life, Living and Loving

 

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