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Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: Day 19

Do y’all remember me saying how funny guys can be? One of the membership, I’d suppose, is working on dedicating himself to be a total bottom and as such, he asks a lot of interesting questions. I admire the work he’s putting in to get all the information he can so he can be a better bottom. He recently posted a question – and I’m gonna paraphrase the shit out of this – about whether tops are all that concerned to be fucking a bottom and the bottom’s dick isn’t hard. He seemed to be very concerned about this.

The membership chimed in and, hoo-boy – did they ever go off the reservation. Some said that if the bottom’s dick isn’t hard, it’s something to be concerned about; some got to talking about ED, and others went off in different directions about what they prefer and being pegged by women. No one really answered his question and, well, you know that I did. I said that expecting your dick to be hard while being screwed might be nice but unless a hand is used, you’re probably not going to get hard just from being boned. Some guys can be hard before penetration and stay hard but most guys can’t… because of how the nerves in da butt tend to work.

Bluntly, it’s not fond of anything bucking traffic since it’s designed to keep stuff in. I’ve been rock hard and the moment homey sticks it in, I’ve gone immediately soft. Did I think something was wrong? Did the guy topping me have any concerns? No and no… and I’ll be damned if I know why this is a thing to be concerned about but I think I know a probable cause.

Porn. You see guys getting boned and their dicks are harder than steel and, sometimes, you see them getting pounded and they’re ejaculating but, um, most of the time? The guy being boned is soft until either he starts stroking himself or the other guy gives him the time-honored “reach around.” What viewers of porn don’t see is the editing being done so that viewers see only what the people who made the porn wants them to see, oh, like the bottom guy being fluffed before the scene is shot or, with the more amateur offerings, whoever’s editing it just cuts out the part where the bottom’s dick isn’t hard.

It’s not impossible. It just doesn’t happen all that much without manual intervention. I’ve topped guys, they were soft and even when they were jerking themselves, they never got hard. I’ve noticed it but, again, I know a little something about it so it’s no big deal. I’m thinking that the member who asked this question is concerned that if a top sees that he’s not hard, the top is going to think that what he’s doing isn’t being enjoyed.

And if a top is thinking that, well, hmm. I know – I’m just one of those people who aren’t content to just know how to do something; I have to know why stuff works the way it does and I had reason to find out why a guy’s dick either goes soft or doesn’t get hard when he’s being screwed (including myself, of course) and, again, the nerves involved can act like a cut-off switch when something is going in and, yep, when something else is coming out. Yeah… TMI. What is speaks to, in part, is how a lot of guys don’t know how their body works.

Along with having some… unreasonable expectations. Really… if you’re topping a guy and you really want to know if it’s feeling good to him, uh, um, ask him. If you’re expecting him to be hard – and just because you’re deep in him – to be an indication of his enjoyment, chances are really good that you will be disappointed. Don’t get me wrong: It does feel good having a dick in you and even more so if you’re in the right position – and he has the right angle – to mess with your prostate and that might cause an erection and… it might not. Everyone is different and I’m not just being Captain Obvious about that; some guys can be hard before the fact and remain hard during the act because of how aroused he is and that part of his brain “ignored” the cut-off switch signal da butt is sending.

One hundred percent normal not to be hard while being boned. I’m not even sure if there’s something a guy could do to get hard while being boned without the aforementioned manual intervention; I’ve never bothered to find out if it’s possible because it doesn’t matter. I’m of a mind that it shouldn’t matter but, yep, that’s me.

A guy boned me nicely and I had a few intense orgasms as he was bumping into my prostate. He came (that felt really good), pulled out, looked at me and said, “You didn’t cum.” I’m looking at him like he’s lost his mind or something, glanced down to my very soft dick, and said, “Um, no, I didn’t.”

“Why not?” he asked and I had a sense that he was unhappy with me or maybe himself.

“Um, because I wasn’t hard?” I asked. “You do know that you have to be hard to a certain degree in order to ejaculate, don’t you?”

His blank look told me that he didn’t know that. I wasn’t sure why he even expected it and I spent “way too much time” trying to convince him that I was happy with what he’d done. I’m sure he wasn’t as convinced as he said he was; the words that came out of his mouth didn’t match his body language and definitely not the look he had on his face. Okay, because he was beating up my prostate, I was leaking seminal fluid but, nope – didn’t ejaculate. I tried to tell him that when I orgasmed, it felt like I had ejaculated but I knew I hadn’t and I wouldn’t… because my dick was soft the whole time. Indeed, because he had sucked me, I was very damned hard until he mounted me and started shoving his dick in me and the moment the head of his dick started going in, I went instantly soft… but it wasn’t something I thought was unusual but, then again, I knew how ejaculation worked.

If you’re excited/aroused enough, that can “bypass” the cut-off switch signal but if a bottom – or a top – expects this to happen as a matter of course, well, both will be greatly disappointed and if that’s desired, lend a hand.

Guys can be so… weird. That guy I just mentioned? He told me that men can’t orgasm and only women can do that. I asked him if he had ever had sex, felt like he had busted a nut, but realized that he hadn’t and he reluctantly admitted that it had happened. “That’s an orgasm,” I had said. “It doesn’t just always and only happens when we ejaculate.”

How did I know this shit? Uh, because I made it my business to know since there were so many times I’d have sex, just knew I had busted my nuts all over the place and… nope. Not yet but it sure as hell felt like it. In anal sex, stimulating the pudenal nerve has a lot to do with it feeling good in both men and women… but in men, it may or may not allow a guy to be hard while being boned and, again, without manual (or oral) intervention. The, ah, bottom line is some guys can stay hard being boned; most guys can’t even if they wanted to be.

It shouldn’t matter but, again and apparently, it does. Men…

For now, this is all I had on my mind on Day 19 of 2022.

 
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Posted by on 19 January 2022 in Today's Bisexual Thoughts

 

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Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: Day 18

Day 17 was a bust as far as writing went; there were other things that required my attention and while I had written something, those other things served to derail my thoughts and I wound up throwing it in the trash. So here I am on Day 18 with a bit of a bug up my ass… over “straight acting” bisexual men.

What I know is that this term was formerly associated with gay men who, being faced with all kinds of hatred and acts of violence, “figured out” that if they acted straight, no one would or might suspect that they were really gay and that includes a lot of situations I heard of where gay men married women in order to keep acting straight.

A forum member asked who else is a “straight acting closeted cocksucker…” and I saw red. I also happen to know that “being in the closet” and “coming out of the closet” was associated with homosexuals who were trying to hide the fact that they were gay and from those who, in essence, didn’t need to know this. In the gay community and such as it was at the time, being in the closet wasn’t seen as a good thing and those who were got a lot of shit about it and deemed to be fearful of being what they were while so many others were letting it be known that they were gay and damned proud to be.

In a way, I’m not surprised that these terms are associated with bisexuals these days and it bothers the shit out of me to see the number of bisexual men talking about how they have to act straight when, um, duh, they are straight. It bothers the shit out of me to hear about guys being in the closet and being so very fearful about it. In a way, it’s understandable because I don’t know of a bi guy anywhere who’d like to be misidentified as being a gay guy but the difference – and a difference I’ve found that a lot of people don’t seem to think about is if we’re bisexual, we’re not homosexual.

It is as I like to say: I’m straight until I do something that isn’t. The reality, though, is that even when I’m doing the “gay” thing of sucking some guy’s dick, um, I’m still straight and when I’m done doing that, chances are really good that I’m gonna want to get some pussy because, um, I can and because I am bisexual, after all. Having said that, I’ve seen first-hand bi guys pretty much making themselves look like fools trying to act in a way that they were already. I’m not sure how you can be straight and act straight but, yep, a lot of guys do this and, as such, tend to wind up giving themselves some problems that they don’t need and more so when, unbeknownst to them, people do pay attention when other people are acting “weird.”

A lot of guys actually out themselves… because they’re trying to act straight. As far as being closeted goes, well, hmm. Some of us are out and letting anyone who cares to listen know that we’re bisexual. Some are like me; I’m out but I’m not going to be running around letting everyone know that I am, not because I’m fearful but it’s none of their damned business and everyone is on a need-to-know basis… and I learned – the hard way – that not everyone needs to know.

Or, as my late and revered mother would always tell us, “You never give someone a stick to beat you with.” The fucked-up part is that when bi guys take on two issues that were the bane of a homosexual’s existence, we’re not only giving someone a stick to beat us with, we’re also beating the shit out of ourselves with that same damned stick. The bottom line is we are not gay so why are we acting as if we are? And, honestly and, perhaps, brutally, how the fuck do you not know that you’re straight already and more so for all those guys who I say are late to the party and, um, they were being very straight until they had reason to, let’s say, split the difference. I know why we do and say this shit and I maintain that we shouldn’t because, if nothing else, by doing so, that’s us telling ourselves that we’re not okay with what we are.

Being outed is some fucked up shit. No one really wants to be. Discretion has always been a major watchword for us or, yeah, I won’t tell if you won’t and it’d be even nicer if no one else knew or suspected that we’re not all that straight… but we still are. Being male and sucking cock is, without a doubt, a gay thing to do and we have deemed it to be so and have attached all kinds of bad shit to being gay. Once upon a time, if you accused me of being gay, there was no telling how much I was going to jump in your case about it because I am not and have never been gay – don’t get it twisted and if you were someone who had no need to know that I’m really bi, well, I can be one seriously sarcastic person with enough mastery with words to make you wish you hadn’t let those words come out of your mouth.

A guy I was negotiating with one day asked me if I was straight acting and I said I wasn’t since, um, I am straight despite what we’re trying to accomplish. Why should I act straight when I am? I’m not “gay acting” and even if that’s really a thing – and I don’t much care if it really is because I act like… me. All of the time. Part of me is that I not only love pussy, I love sucking dicks, too. If you didn’t know this about me and you were to see me, would I not look like any other straight guy? I should… because I am right up to the moment when I’m going to suck the shit out of your dick – and this is me doing something that’s gay… but the act doesn’t define me but I sure do know what it means and like we all do.

Why I am so damned comfortable and not all that bothered about the ongoing angst? Because, for one, I know me and, for something else, I know what a lot of the shit being said is… bullshit. Other people being fearful and trying to share their fears with me. Not having any of it. Fuck no: I am not gay. I say without any offense to any gay person that I wouldn’t want to be gay. The truth is that I do like having sex with men. I know that I’ve pissed off a lot of gay men because I’m not gay like they are. I love women. Love pussy. Not of a mind to give this up just to be gay… because I don’t have to if I don’t want to. I’m not straight acting. I’m not in the closet, either. Again, I don’t much care if someone finds out that I’m not all that straight and, really, they might not want to fuck with me about it and as so many others found out the hard way. But how I love to have sex isn’t any of your damned business… unless you’d like to make me an offer.

Another guy insisted that since I’m not “out to everyone,” I’m in the closet… and I laughed at him. For quite some time, too. Once I stopped laughing – and he didn’t appreciate that one bit (and I didn’t give a fuck that he didn’t) – I told him that the people who need to know I’m bi already knows. Anyone else? On a need-to-know basis. He then said, “So you’re really straight acting?” And I unequivocally told him that I’m not… because I am straight. Some gay folks have good reason to act straight and I understand this… but I’m not gay so there’s no need for me to act straight since, again, I am straight even though, yes – I’d very much love to suck his dick and because I do, uh, that means I’m bi. I am both but neither one exclusively.

I can’t help it. To say that I’m straight acting makes no damned sense at all because it also implies that I have to behave in a way that I don’t know about… and it’d be nice if you were to think about that for a moment. All those… idiots clamoring about bisexuals having some kind of straight privilege? See, they think we’re gay and hiding the fact that we’re gay by invoking this idiotic privilege which isn’t a privilege since, again and duh, we are already straight and have been all along but since so many people feel that the sexual act is what defines us, I can see why they think we’re straight acting.

And I’m the bisexual guy who tells people who believe this – and bisexuals who act this way – that they have it all wrong. We don’t have to act straight or invoke a privilege because we are. All that cowering fearfully in the closet shit? Oh, it’s real because a lot of bisexuals do it… because they know that they’re surround by a lot of people who aren’t going to like or understand our bisexuality and, yes: Mistake it for being homosexual. We “prove their point” by buying into this crap and, worse, we mindfuck ourselves in the process.

Yeah, I don’t know about anyone else but I’m not feeling that at all. I don’t have the patience to deal with the dumb shit – and I know it’s dumb shit because, once again, I heard this shit way, way back in the day and it was all about homosexuals first and foremost. And people back then were also stupid enough to confuse going both ways with just going the gay way.

I’m straight but I love to suck cock. It doesn’t make me gay but it does make me bi. I would get a kick out of people trying to tell me that I’m something other than what I know myself to be and, okay – you want some proof that I’m not as gay as you think I am (or should be)? Go get your lady and if she will allow it, I’d be happy to show you how “not gay” I am. Or you can come home with me and watch me wreck shop on my lady and if that makes you squeamish, you can ask her to tell you about all the time I’ve spent having sex with her.

I don’t buy into this straight acting closeted shit because I know it’s shit. It’s stupid shit. It’s even shit that gay folks had to worry about more than bisexuals did, well, until the bull’s eye got taken off of them and stuck on us. We don’t have to act straight to hide the other part of our sexuality… because we are straight. And I’ll be damned if I really and truly understand why bisexuals don’t know this because they should know it. And why they’re letting the fears other people have influence the way they think and feel about themselves.

What I do know is that before I was a legal adult, I figured all of this out. Those who were “deathly afraid” of homosexuals were trying to impose their fears on me and in a way that has never been accurate. Most people only see the gay stuff that we do and that should tell you some scary and troublesome shit about the way we think and why we think this way. They have it firmly in their minds that the act defines the person performing it but, hmm, if I’d also be very happy giving a woman the high hard one, um, doesn’t that act define me as being straight? I’d say it does but that’s not what people are looking at: They’re only looking at what I’d do with a guy, which equals “gay” and I’m just acting straight while hiding in my closet and shitting all over myself being worried about it all.

I’m not. I wish that all bisexuals would stop mindfucking themselves with this bullshit but I know the reality: Many can’t. There’s a reason why I’ve had a lot of people say that I don’t look “like the type” and it’s because I don’t and that’s because I’m not gay and not the “swishy” kind that gets a whole lot of attention and makes me say that while I really and seriously respect effeminate gay men, y’all didn’t do bi guys any favors because a lot of people see us – and only see you.

I do, in fact, look like any other guy. I am presumed straight until it’s proven that I’m not and that, my friends, isn’t privilege. I don’t have to act straight because that’s what everyone else sees and, again, I am straight. Very much so. Will suck a dick in a flat, skinny second and wouldn’t tell a guy that he can’t blow me until I have reason to suspect that it would be a bad idea. Otherwise? Sure – let’s get our dicks out and blow each other’s brains out and later (and again) there’s a good chance that I will be laying the pipe to my lady and happily so. It’s, um, it’s what bi guys do. Men and women. Never, ever “men or women” and like so many bisexuals say and believe… because here in the 21 century – and on Day 18 of 2022, people still believe that someone is either straight or gay.

And despite the ongoing and ever-present reality that has always said differently. Some of us are both. If the gay stuff we do is presumed to define us as being “gay,” uh, why doesn’t the straight stuff we also do serve to define us as also being straight? I know why. I pisses me off to no end. It is painful to see all the bisexuals who believe they have to act straight and that “being in the closet” means it’s a place they have to, again, cower in great fear of being outed or whatever and, yeah, like being someone who doesn’t want everyone knowing their sexual habits and business is a bad thing to do.

I don’t tell everyone that I’m bisexual because I don’t have to if I don’t want to or need to. I don’t act straight because I am straight despite doing gay stuff like sucking the cum out of a guy and making him call on God, Jesus, his momma, or anyone else he thinks is going to save him from my desire to suck him dry. I’m not gay. Wouldn’t want to be because it’s as limiting as just being straight is and that’s not my idea of having sexy good fun.

And it’s not who I am. It’s not what I am and have been for, shit, coming up on six decades. If you don’t like this about me, well, that sucks but all you can do is not like it and giving me shit about it is you wasting your time and energy trying to convince me that what you believe is right… and when I’m living proof that it isn’t. None of this is my problem: It’s your problem and I’d be some kind of a fool to allow you to make your problems with bisexual become my problems… and you won’t want to do that and you’ve been warned. That’s been tried before. Everyone who has tried has failed.

I know what I am and have always been. I don’t have to act straight. I don’t and will not ever cower in fear of being outed. If I deem that you don’t need to know, you aren’t going to know and if, by chance, you think that I’m gay and hiding it, well, you’re wrong… and you might not want to mention that bullshit to me because I can’t guarantee you that I’m going to be nice about what I might say to let you know that you do not have the slightest clue or idea of what you’re talking about.

If you’re feeling some kind of way to find out that I’m not as straight as you thought I was, I really do understand it since I normally do stuff that straight guys do… except. Now you know that I’m not all that straight but don’t get it twisted: I am not gay. Get that out of your head and you’ll be doing both of us a favor; you won’t be all that confused and I don’t have to spend time trying to explain the differences – again. Am I in the closet because I’m not out to everyone? I don’t think so since I learned the hard way that not everyone needs to know so let’s not and say I did.

“Straight acting closeted cocksucker.” Reading this made me sad and pissed me the fuck off – and I let the membership know how I feel and think about this unadulterated bullshit borne out of misrepresentation and abject ignorance of some realities that, sad to say, make people want to shit all over themselves because of the fears they have. I might have sex like a truly gay man because, um, it’s sex but since I know what homosexual had to do way back in the say, I’m not ever going to adopt those things because they don’t apply to me since, duh, I’m not gay but not 100% straight all of the time. Deal with it or not. I’m just being… me and everyone else can take that for what it’s worth to them. Or not.

And now you know how much this bullshit bothers me at times… like here on Day 18 of 2022. I’m really okay. Just venting but laying some knowledge out there at the same time.

 
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Posted by on 18 January 2022 in Today's Bisexual Thoughts

 

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Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: Day 16

Another day of randomized thoughts and beginning with my 8th/9th grade English teacher. She was one of the best teachers I’ve ever had and, hands down, one of the sternest; she could make the English language jump through hoops and on command. I hated English. Always got A’s in English going to school. When I start thinking about past participles, my brain wants to lock up. But the first thing she said to us on that first day in the 8th grade – she was my homeroom teacher as well – stuck with me: “Words have power and one should always use them with care.”

Scrolling through Twitter and my last visit for the night, I came across someone tweeting that bisexuality is nonbinary and some other stuff that I didn’t pay attention to because I got stuck on stupid over this. Now, I don’t know what the person who wrote this learned in school but the last I heard, “bi” and “binary” means… two. I’m not sure how something that’s literally defined as two sexualities cannot be binary since, also the last I heard, one is either born male or female and there are no other sexes. But I know what’s behind this: Gender and, um, once more, last I heard, gender has nothing to do with bisexuality because, well, the DNA doesn’t lie but it has everything to do with self-perception and whether or not you “agree with” and/or followed the time-honored gender roles which, it seems, a lot of people take issue with these days.

I was thinking that if my English teacher were alive today and she saw this, oh my – she would have launched a week-long tirade about the evils of butchering the English language and I’m sure that if she really could, she’s rolling over in her grave big time. And she could easily tell me the word that describes such a statement – I probably know it but just can’t think of it right now.

I went from this to the moments I’ve heard people say that they’re “bi with the right person” or “socially bi” as well as a somewhat “heated” discussion with someone who said this and I had asked them what it means, you know, other than what they had said and they launched into a monologue about how they don’t do it all of the time and I cut in and said, “Neither do I – and I’m very damned bisexual.” They went on to say that they didn’t do it with just anyone and I said, “Neither do I, well, not like I used to when I was much younger… but I’m having a “problem” understanding why you think that being “bi with the right person” is any different from me saying that I’m bisexual.”

I had to learn not to “lose my shit” over hearing someone say that they’re hetero- or homoflexible and insisting that it’s not the same as being bisexual. The first time I heard “pansexual” I was like, “What?” See, I knew that “pan” meant “many” which clashed with what I learned in biology class because, again, there are only two sexes but, again, when you ask someone to define the word, gender comes up – again – and which I understand is the “main difference” between being bisexual and pansexual. Um, okay, if you say so and there are many who do… and I don’t think they’re right and I’m kinda surprised that no one has coined the word, “pangender” yet or, if they have, I haven’t seen or heard anyone use it – and it is to note that the spell-checker in WordPress did not highlight the word as being incorrect so there’s that.

We say that actions speak louder than words… except when we’re talking about this. I used to be quite disturbed to see how badly we – humans – can mindfuck ourselves about sex and sexuality and on top of all the traditional mindfucking that gets laid on us about the right and wrong ways to go about having sex. Words have power and having this pounded into my head during two years with the same English teacher just makes me cringe even though, yeah, I’ve been known to do some butchering myself at times.

That and how we can insist and categorically deny that we’re not the duck we’re quacking like. My mind latched onto a moment in junior high school and after gym class and after mostly everyone had moved on to the last class except myself and one other guy. We’d kinda gotten into a fight during class and, as punishment, we had the choice of getting detention or gathering up all of the equipment strown all over the gym and putting it in their proper places and we chose this punishment – and we had to shake hands and get over it.

We got the equipment stored in short order and we hit the showers and, well, he gave me the most amazing blowjob and got one from me as well. As we’re getting dressed, he was laughing about us “kissing and making up” and I thought it was funny, too, until he was telling me that he liked to suck cock but he didn’t like guys “like that.” I was like, “Like what?” because I’d never heard this said before and he was kind enough to explain to me that he liked having sex with guys but didn’t like guys like he did girls. It made sense, well, after I thought about it later… and in detention because the teacher of my next class decided not to accept the gym teacher’s excuse for me being very late to class. I wasn’t alone because the guy who played a role in me being late to my next class was there with me as well.

He had said, “I’m not gay.” I said, “Neither am I.” He said, “I’d never fall in love with a guy like I would a girl!” and I said, “I wouldn’t either!” Well, many years later, I’d realize that this was a lie, but I digress a bit. I hadn’t given much thought to how I felt about guys other than liking to have sex with them. I liked the guys I was friends with; I liked, well, loved having sex with the ones I could have sex with, but I didn’t like them as I did girls but why would I since boys aren’t girls? Well, some guys acted like girls and some girls acted like guys but I knew about them but, nope, boys aren’t really girls so liking them as a gay dude would, well, I had it in my mind that I couldn’t and wouldn’t.

At this point in my thoughts, I am somewhat amazed at how I thought about this way back in the day – and not necessarily in a good way of being amazed. It wasn’t what I knew – it was what I didn’t know but I was learning a lot of stuff that I’d find were things that I just didn’t think about. I remember being taken aback in a huge way the first time a guy said, “I think I love you.” We had spent the whole weekend at his house and with him being “home alone” but had convinced his parents that if I could stay with him, everything would be okay and they agreed.

Not ten minutes after they left, we were naked and going for it like gangbusters; we had talked about wanting to have sex with each other a lot but, until this moment, we could never find the right time to make it happen. It was glorious. We sucked and fucked each other silly while barely taking enough time to eat and sleep and when we did manage to drop off to sleep out of sheer exhaustion, it was very pleasant to be awakened with him sucking me or, as we were spooning, he’d slide his dick into me and fuck me – or I’d do the same to him.

And that was just Friday. Saturday was even more of the same. I was fucking him in the missionary position and he’s clinging to me and I loved how he moaned and groaned and moved in time with me. I had kissed him – we’d found out Friday night that kissing each other wasn’t bad at all – and when the kiss broke, that’s when he said, “I think I love you…” – and I stopped moving. I looked into his eyes as I processed what he had said and checking my own feelings. I liked him – a lot – but I didn’t like him. In that moment, what that guy had said back in junior high school made a lot of sense.

He had said, “I don’t expect you to feel the way I do – it’s okay – but, yeah, I’m sure that I love you.” I got over being stunned by this admission and got back to what I was doing. I came and I did, in fact, love the way he reacted to this but was a bit bummed out when I heard him say – as I kept pumping away inside of him – “Yeah, I’m sure I love you…” The rest of the weekend was more of the same but at one point he had asked me, “Is it weird that I love you but I’m not gay?” I thought it was (man, I was an “idiot” back then) and more so when I knew his girlfriend. I didn’t say that it was weird but I said that I didn’t know how I felt but, in my head, I knew that we had spent a lot of time being very damned carnal with each other and, as such, I was able to say to him – truthfully – “I have a lot of affection for you but, honestly, it might be because we’ve been having some great sex. I hope that doesn’t make you angry with me.”

He said it didn’t. By the time his parents returned, he had said that after thinking about how he felt, yeah, he felt a lot of affection for me so maybe it wasn’t really feeling love but, eh, it didn’t matter; what did matter was having this time together and really getting to know each other better and, as he said, “Using our bodies to express our desire for each other.”

We most certainly did that. I would later wonder if we would have really fallen in love with each other if bad luck hadn’t shown up for us and his family moved out of the state. I wasn’t sure then and I wouldn’t be sure later on in life and until I met the guy I would eventually fall in love with, I just… forgot about whatever we felt for each other outside of a very high degree of lust. Much later, a woman would tell me that she wasn’t in love with me… but she was very much “in lust” with me. I remember trying to make sense of this… thing I’d never heard before but after she explained how much she liked having sex with me, okay – I get it. I think. Later, I’d think about what she said and how she explained it and I could “hear” my former English teaching saying, “Words have power and one should always use them with care.”

My thoughts went to a “weird” situation when and where I was having sex with a guy who made it clear that he didn’t like me… but he loved my dick. I had a major problem trying to parse and process this since, as everyone knew, you just didn’t have sex with someone you didn’t like and/or they didn’t like you. But here was a guy who made it very clear that he didn’t like me – and I thought his reasons didn’t make a lot of sense and then he had floored me when he said, “I can’t stand you… but I’d suck your dick if you’ll let me.”

And I did and, nope, don’t even ask me why I did because I don’t know why. Shit, I thought that I was a cock-sucking fiend and this guy made me look like I wasn’t. He wore me out sucking me and even had the nerve to tell me that his dislike for me was driving his need to suck me… and I didn’t understand it one bit. He tried to explain it to me by saying that his dislike for me had nothing to do with wanting to suck my dick but it wasn’t lust that was driving the need. He just didn’t like me… but he proved to me how much he liked – and dare I say, loved – sucking my dick. Hell, no – he didn’t want me even touching his dick although, in later encounters, he would allow me to jerk him off as he tried to “suck the black” off of me. I wasn’t just baffled by his… attitude about me; I was even more baffled over me being okay with having a guy who didn’t like me giving me blowjobs.

I would think that homey had… issues and they may not have “really” been about me. I knew he didn’t like that I was “smarter” than he was and some other stuff that, both then and now, didn’t make a whole lot of sense. I was… what and who I was. Always felt that I was easy to get along with. Sure, I wasn’t “liked” by everyone but that stood to reason… but this guy befuddled me and like I haven’t been befuddled since then. We wouldn’t get to the point of fighting and it wasn’t like we disagreed on a lot of things but, yeah, he really didn’t like me… but loved sucking me. I just went with it and more so when, um, he was very damned good at it.

A whole lot of years later, this would be the basis of my position that you didn’t have to like a guy like that in order to have sex with him – you just had to like him enough to want to. And that guy really did like me just enough to have sex with me; otherwise, he couldn’t stand me or so he said. I did find out the the reason why he didn’t like me and I think it “killed him” to admit it: I was way more comfortable being bisexual than he was. And, yep, it took me a while to make sense of that but I eventually did, um, after he sucked me off three straight times and had me looking to see if my dick was still attached. He was an… angry cocksucker. He was never rough with me and I trusted him to not let his dislike make him do something like bite the shit out of me – and when I mentioned this, he looked at me like I’d lost my mind.

I… understood him in an odd kind of way. He had some internalized dissonance about his sexuality and just “hated” that I was so very comfortable being bi and like he was. Weird shit. Not that internalized biphobia crap I hear some guys talking about but I didn’t think he was suffering from some kind of self-loathing, you know, after I had learned about this. He very much liked himself… but not me so much. He just found an interesting way to express his dislike and, I would later think, trying to “prove” to me that he was the better bisexual… maybe. I didn’t know then or now. I was learning some shit about how some guys thought and felt about being bi and how it applied to them and, yeah, how it could affect their actions. I mean, if I can’t or don’t find a single thing likeable about you, I’m not going to have sex with you and, likewise, if you couldn’t find a single likeable thing about me, I wouldn’t be surprised that you wouldn’t sleep with me for any reason. This is “just the way it is” at times, right?

Years later I would be madly in love with a very married woman who was madly in love with me. The first time we made love, it was beyond incredible because we had made love for five hours nonstop and we would have gone longer if she hadn’t finally said that she couldn’t take any more. Then, as we showered together, she looked at me and said, “I hate you.” I cannot begin to explain how those three words made me feel in that moment but let it suffice to say that it didn’t feel good. My mouth was moving but no words were coming out and the look on her face told me that she meant what she had said.

She would then say, “I hate the way you make me feel – who are you that you can do this to me?” and to this very day, I feel like a total moron because all I could say was, “I’m just a guy.” She blinked… and proceeded to give me a tongue-lashing that was a close second to the only other tongue-lashing that stuck with me and beginning with, “Just a guy? No ordinary guy can make me feel the way I’m feeling now; no ordinary guy could fuck me the way you did and, sure as hell, no ordinary guy has ever made me quit. Never. Who the fuck are you that you can and have made me not feel bad about cheating on my husband?”

And as she continued to, um, either tear me a new one or she was really feeling some kind of way about herself, I hear, “You see? Words have power and her words are very powerful, and you’d do well to listen closely to them…” I didn’t get a chance to ponder this because she stopped talking to kiss me so deeply that I felt like a part of my soul went with her when the kiss broke. She “assumed the position” against the shower wall and said, “Take me…” and I took her and as I did so – and to my great surprise – I could hear her whispering, “I hate you. I hate how you’re making me feel and still feeling. Who the fuck are you?”

She orgasmed – again – and I, um, well, I was “going through the motions” of cumming but had long since been “shooting blanks.” She turned to look at me and I was like a deer in the headlights and expecting to get ripped again for saying that I was just a guy… but she smiled, kissed me and, once we were clean and had found our clothes – which were strewn from the kitchen to the steps and along the way to the bedroom – she was bubbly. Energetic to the point where she had gotten dressed to go for a run. Such an amazing woman who also understood that words have power and she took great care of how she used them.

She had told me that and I had laughed and told her that my 8th grade English teacher had told us this very thing on the first day of school. Indeed, she had told me that she loved me before we got around to having sex and something we both were trying very hard not to do and for obvious reasons. I recalled that when she told me this, she bade me to understand the power behind that word and, as such, it wasn’t a word to be used or taken lightly. Man, as much as I loved her (and really loved having sex with her), I loved talking to her because her words not only had power, they also had conviction.

At times, she would “give me da bizness” about that “just a guy” thing I had said and my “misuse” of the power of those words even though she said she understood that, at that precise moment, it was the only thing I could think of saying. In short (ha, ha), I got seriously schooled about the power of words and the consequences of abusing their great power. I thought I knew this already… and I really didn’t… but I do now.

To say that you’re “bi with the right person” hides the truth and that woman would say – and with conviction – that the power behind those words are being abused and carelessly so… and I agree that they are even though I do understand why some people say them. Saying stuff like bisexuality is nonbinary is another example; the explanation takes away the meaning of the word “bisexual” with the insertion of a difference that makes no difference. I do my best to understand why we do stuff like this and that we do to be able to make our sensibilities happy, for lack of a better word.

I get into “fussing moments” with some because I say that I’m bisexual and that’s the size of it. Not pansexual. Not heteroflexible. Bisexual. I have had sex with folks who, let’s say, feel differently about themselves. My memories of meeting, talking with, and having sex with a transgendered man – and before the word was even thought of and people were still calling such people trannies – is, at least for me, proof that anyone can be bisexual and no matter how they see or feel about themselves. While this guy was transitioning to become a woman, we both agreed that, um, women and pussy are good and always will be. It makes me wonder if the people who are saying that bisexuality is nonbinary have had any actual experience in this and, if not, they’re just “saying shit” to be saying it.

And they believe it. They believe that bisexuality is something other than what the word means and, well, I just get to feeling some kind of way to see this happening. I understand how difficult it can be for someone to really and truly admit to themselves that they’re bisexual. I kinda understand this “hearts not parts” thing that I am of a mind is behind this “nonbinary” stuff and, honestly, I still don’t think that the people harping on the fact that the person is of greater import that whatever their parts are really understand that when you’re thinking about jumping someone’s bones, you are considering the person first and even if you’re in a situation where you might make a snap decision to go/no go for it and, yeah, even if what you’re thinking about them is whether or not you wanna be bothered with them.

Yet, we do continue to insist that actions speak louder than words… except, again, when we’re talking about this. Too many of us – bisexuals – are content to insist, with their words, that they’re not the duck they’re quacking like or they’d very much want to start quacking like. I understand what’s going on when a straight guy has sex with a man and insists that he’s still very straight but he’s… heteroflexible which is merely a dodge to keep him from admitting that he’s really bisexual.

Sometimes, I feel like I’m “the only one” who sees how fucked up in the head we’ve gotten about sex and sexuality. I feel that the lines between straight, bi, and gay are, indeed, starting to blur and maybe even erased and it makes sense that we do get rid of these distinctions since, um, some gay folks have straight sex, too. If you have “gender issues,” I get it… I think but one can question their gender and still be bisexual and I know a couple of transgendered folks who are quite bisexual, not because I had sex with them but because they said they were and the one former guy said, “Just because I’m a woman now doesn’t change this about me.”

And I don’t see how it would or why it should. I sometimes feel like Ferdinand Magellan must have felt when he proved that the world wasn’t flat but having to listen to people insisting that it was and that he was a fool to risk sailing off the edge of the world. And, yeah, there are some folks today who say that the world is flat… and go figure. Words have power but what we think often serves to defy that power and, I think, to make us… dishonest about the truth of ourselves. We quack like ducks in our actions but our words insist that we’re not a duck – we’re something else that, upon further review, is… still a duck. A rose by any other name still smells as sweet and, sometimes, a cigar is just a cigar.

All of this doesn’t fuck with me like it used to. Why pay attention to it? That’s easy: To be able to understand how folks today see bisexuality and how very damned different from pretty much everything I’ve learned about bisexuality. It’s not everyone but, yeah, it’s a lot of people and I’m kinda/sorta not sure why we are mindfucking ourselves like this and misusing the power of words – and then using them to convince others that they’re not really the duck they’re quacking like or they want to quack like.

We are nothing if not human. For now, this is all I have for Day 16 of 2022. I know this is a lot but there’s never really a time when I’m not thinking about bisexuality in some way or form and, no, it’s not always due to a very bad case of sex on the brain. I want to understand this… dissemination and “abuse of power” when it comes to the words we use. The psychology behind it all is so fascinating as to how our actions don’t match our words in this. It’s like we’re “telling everyone” to pay no attention whatsoever to what we’re doing and who we’re doing it with and even why we’re doing it… but you’d better believe the words that are coming out of our mouths and, perhaps, not really understanding that those words, even in their misuse, have great power and, as such, there are always consequences.

And that is starting to scare me.

 
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Posted by on 16 January 2022 in Today's Bisexual Thoughts

 

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Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: Day 15

Today’s thoughts are about the guys who just gave up getting some dick. There were quite a few of them over an “extended” period of time. I’d run into one of the guys one day and he was one of the guys I really like having sex with and I was tingling in anticipation of doing so but when I asked him if he wanted to do it, he said that he didn’t… and wasn’t going to anymore.

I was surprised and very disappointed. I asked him why and, well, he didn’t really say much about it; he just shrugged a lot with his head down and almost as if he had made a decision he hadn’t wanted to make… or the decision was made for him. I never found out why and he went on one way and I went to find someone who wanted to have sex with me.

As it turned out, the guy I found who wanted to also learned that the guy I was talking to had given it up for some reason; he had been looking for him the day before – not for sex but for another reason – and the guy laid the bombshell on him at that time. The sex the two of us had was… lackluster because we were both trying to figure out why one of the good ones decided to stop having this fun with the rest of us.

Some guys who gave it up were made to… because they got caught, with or without being punished for it. A couple of guys were able to say that it was fun at first but now? Not so much. Having guys who were bowing out of the fun was unfortunate but not that much of a concern since one guy would give it up and another guy would be all for doing it. We’d still be friends and all that but no sex and some guys just didn’t want to talk about it and trying to convince them to get back into it just failed.

The rest of us horny motherfuckers just moved on from there. By the time I moved from the neighborhood, there was maybe only three or four of us left – including my very gay friend. Having moved – and while I was away at summer camp – was a bummer and a half but I’d meet new guys who were interested in getting some dick… but over time, even they moved away from it for some reason or another. I realized that this is what the adults in my old neighborhood meant by us growing out of it and I kinda understood it but I was very sure that I wasn’t going to grow out of it; I just loved having sex too much to walk away from this part of it but, okay – if a guy had to, he had to.

Into the adult years, I’d sometimes run into a guy from the old hood and we’d get to reminiscing about the “good old days” but they’d get… weird when we’d get to the part where we were sucking and fucking each other like there was no tomorrow and with impunity. Some of those guys seemed to be surprised that I was still very much into it and some became very standoffish to find that I was still having sex with guys and, sometimes, being accused of being gay and one guy said, “Man, you need to grow the fuck up!”

That hurt but it was food for thought. Was I really stuck in the past? I didn’t think that I was and more so when the guy who said this to me was talking about his responsibilities to his woman and kids and how he realized that this was the shit he was supposed to be doing first and foremost. I understood that because – and as I told him – I had those same responsibilities so, to that end, I was just as “grown up” as he professed to be… but this was about having sex and the one thing didn’t have anything to do with the other but I could see how it would be seen otherwise.

I remember him asking me how I could keep doing “that shit” and I said that I was still getting laid with guys… because it was sex and my grown-up responsibilities didn’t mean that I had to give up something I liked doing. True enough, I wasn’t doing it as much as we all had been when we were much younger but, yeah – still getting some dick and having fun in the doing because why not? I’d pointed out to him that we both grew up and were into doing those things we had been told we had to do once we were grown but I also pointed out that none of us were told that we had to stop doing the things we really liked doing and, well, I saw no point in giving up getting some dick.

I’d run into other guys I had had sex with “back in the day” and they were of the same mind about it and had, as I would remember from going to church, “gave up childish things” or, in order to be with a woman, “had no choice” but to give up that part of themselves. I understood it but I guess I was being stubborn and even rebellious because I saw no reason or sense in giving up a part of myself that I was okay with because the bible said so or, “as usual,” some babe let it be known that she took a very dim view of men who had sex with men and would have no truck with “a gay motherfucker.”

Still, I had learned that just because you could do it didn’t mean you always had to and sometimes, I just didn’t want to… but when I did, I did. There was no denying that and moving to a certain neighborhood showed me that even when you’re all grown up, there’s no real “escaping” it given the startling number of guys I now associated with who wanted and needed dick and many of them very new to this.

I’d be reunited with some guys from the now very old ‘hood and they’d express regret over walking away from it while accepting that they had to do what they had to do – man stuff. Find a woman. Marry her. Have babies, get a job, all that good stuff we were told we had to do in order to be considered a man and grown. A lot of us did that but I was one of the few of the old gang who never gave it up because, again, it didn’t make sense to since it wasn’t just about giving up that kind of sex: It was also giving up a part of who we were and, indeed, what made us into who we were.

I would come across other men in my travels who, like me, “experimented” or “fooled around” with a friend or friends, gave it up in favor of adulthood… and had regrets about giving it up but also felt that they had no choice in the matter – and I’d call bullshit on that while understanding how they were saying things. Some of those guys would be those I would later say were “returning to the party after a long absence” and many of those who, ah, returned to the party with me would say that they regretted having to give up that part of themselves and they had missed it.

One guy told me that he had walked away from it and felt that once he did, those feelings would just go and stay away… and realized that they didn’t. Like a lot of guys, he was trying to figure out how he could take care of those feelings despite being married with children and had asked me how I managed to “get some” being married and I explained to him that I had permission due to my marriage being open but, from my perspective, this was a very major problem for a lot of guys who had given up getting some dick but was finding that they probably shouldn’t have – and now they were in the worst possible situation: Being bi and married. It just does not get any worse than this when you’re bisexual and you still feel the call and pull toward the same-sex direction.

A lot of guys who said that they gave dick up also expressed feelings of depression and a couple of the guys from the good old days talked to me about how miserable they were even though, in other things, they were doing well. I told one guy, “Since you’re a guy, I know what’s wrong with you!” and I had said it in a joking manner but, yeah, I knew what was wrong with him: He needed some dick. He knew it, too, and had said that if he wasn’t in a relationship, he wouldn’t mind taking care of what was wrong with him and with me since, obviously, I hadn’t walked away from it… but he couldn’t. I understood it and the way the “big picture” had been changing for quite some time and, importantly, how some guys felt about what they were very much into back in the day… and some of it wasn’t good.

I remember one of the old gang actually sermonizing when we got to that part of the good old days and I mean he was going off big time, too! It wasn’t anything I hadn’t heard many times before but as he preached – and started hopping and dancing around like his pants were on fire – I was thinking about how he used to be and how much he loved to suck dick and gulp down all the cum he could get but, okay – he found religion and, oh, boy, did he ever find it! I understood it but I also felt this guy needed some serious medication to chill him out since he was preaching and sermonizing so… viciously that I feared he’d have a heart attack or a stroke… or both. He declared that I was Satan and an evil sinner that needed to accept Jesus Christ as my personal Savior and I couldn’t help it: I started laughing and, well, he didn’t like that and really got to flinging the fire and brimstone…

Until I stopped him by saying, “You didn’t think I was all that evil when you had my dick in your mouth, did you?” And walked away from him after taking note of the look on his face and my last words to him was, “Let he who is without sin throw the first stone…” I felt… saddened but, at the same time, I knew he wasn’t going to be throwing any more stones because if I was an evil sinner, he was one, too, and no amount of going to church was going to change that which he had been gleefully doing and right along with the rest of us.

Some guys acted like none of what we’d done never happened. One guy said, “That was then and since we were young, it never happened because I’m not gonna do that now.” Wait, what? This wasn’t the first time I’d heard a guy say something like this but, being literal-minded and all that, I could figure out the logic of saying that you didn’t do something that you know you did and, if I knew you from back then, I knew for a fact you were all up into. Indeed, I can go on the forum today and see the many guys who say that they got some dick when they were young – but that didn’t count or it didn’t mean anything.

I’m of a mind that we don’t need society to mindfuck us because we can do a better job of mindfucking ourselves into believing that any fooling around we did back in the day didn’t count, didn’t mean anything, or it just didn’t happen. Some men told me that they gave it up because they felt guilty about having done it in the first place. I understood this because a lot of guys would admit to feeling great guilt either before, during, or after the fact which had me wondering why they were all up in it if the guilt they were feeling was that great and bothersome. The answer was actually rather simple once I got to thinking about it: It was about… belonging. Being one of the guys. A kind of peer pressure one could feel because they wanted to be one of the guys but if the guys were having sex – and they knew they had no business having sex like this, the guilt would be bad… but not bad enough for them to walk away at that point – or it really was that bad and the only way to assuage the guilt was to walk away and stay away.

Some guys cited bad experiences for the reason they gave up getting some dick. Others had the misfortune to get caught in the act and taken to task for it. For some, the shit going on with homosexuals was bad enough for them to decide that giving up this part of themselves was the best thing to do since being tagged or suspected of being gay was still a very bad thing.

I remember being reunited with my childhood and very gay friend and, wow, he was even “gayer” than he was when we were growing up. We had a good time talking about the good old days and I felt some kind of way when he told me that of all the guys back then, I was always his favorite guy to have sex with and, as he said, “Because you understood me; you always did. You got some nice dick, too, and I ain’t gonna lie about that, honey!” I even went with him to his favorite gay bar and that was… interesting. Of all the guys who had hit on me or was blatantly flirting with me and we got to talking, they all had gotten started young and like my friend had but a few of them had “given up being gay” in favor of trying to be straight and like they were supposed to be… and it just wasn’t working for them.

One guy told me, “You’re not totally gay… but if your girl – and they were talking about my friend – says that you’re okay, honey, I wouldn’t kick you out of my bed!” Then he felt me up. Unzipped me and blew me right there in the bar and in front of a cheering crowd. It was fun but I learned a lot about guys who gave it up “because they were supposed to” and how they, like myself, wasn’t hearing any of that. My friend said, as we headed home, that he was both proud of me and impressed that I didn’t freak out getting my dick sucked in front of a bar full of very gay men. I just shrugged because… that’s all I could do. He also said, “I’m glad to see that you never gave up this part of who you are and the thing that, um, I really loved about you.”

While I understood why a lot of the guys I grew up having sex with gave it up and their reasons, I not only learned some stuff about them but learned even more about myself and my stubborn refusal to give up a part of me that had become as normal as breathing is. I knew why I should have but I also saw the flaws in it. I would recall or have a guy tell me that he gave it up because he “got that checked off and out of the way” or, more often, they felt a great deal of shame over having done it. I understood this, too, but not personally which, at one point, had me really doing a head check on myself since I never felt a bit of shame over having sex with a guy. I’d hear that “Jiminy Cricket” in my head screaming at me to run away and not do it and I just learned how to ignore it because I would learn why that “cricket in my head” was pitching a bitch.

Yeah, sometimes, I should have listened to the cricket but I also learned that it’s never a bad idea until it’s been proven to be one. But even the “worst” moments of getting dick didn’t make me want to give it up and I was learning that being bisexual just wasn’t a thing to do: It was a way to be and in ways that didn’t always have something to do with having sex. It… changed me and a lot of the changes were because I knew what I – and other guys – were putting women through as we chased them and tried to get into their panties and what we’d do once we did. I saw that some of the guys who had given up getting some dick – and according to their women – weren’t “nice” guys in that they didn’t understand what women were telling them about their feelings and that very annoying habit they had of dismissing their own unfavorable behaviors that would be pointed out to them – and those behaviors had nothing to do with the ability to have sex.

Was there some kind of correlation here? Maybe. The science geek I am sought to see if there was one and, yeah, I could see how a guy who gave it up out of guilt or shame could be… insensitive where women were concerned. Hmm. I mean, none of us ever gets it right with women but I could see that guy who hadn’t given up dick were, more often than not, “better” with women. Hmm. Could be a “thing” and it might not be but I’d learn about the ones who gave it up and compare myself against them… and I was damned glad that I never gave it up and more so when doing that very much meant giving up a part of myself that I just didn’t want to give up… because, in reality, I didn’t have to.

One old friend had said, “I’m surprised that you still like it!” and I asked, “Why shouldn’t I?” and his “reason” was pretty much the same as I’d heard from other men: If you get into it, you’re supposed to grow out of it and never go back to doing it for any reason. Except some guys found that there is reason to go back to doing “childish” things and a lot of them said that they found that they weren’t being real and honest with themselves and, yes, many expressed a lot of anger over being “made” to give up that part of themselves.

I was learning that guys who suppressed this weren’t as “okay” with themselves as they may have appeared to be. With the ones I knew and I knew their lady, she would often speak to how homey didn’t always seem to be himself; he’d be angry for no apparent reason and seemed to be depressed or otherwise bothered by something he didn’t want to talk about. I had a good idea what was going on with them but I wasn’t going to out them. One woman actually asked me – in a hypothetical way – if he was missing dick because she was 100% sure that he had been getting some way before they met… and all I said was, “It’s possible…” since, again, I didn’t want to out him or let her know that I knew about his dick like she knew about it. She may have suspected this but she never mentioned it.

I hear so much today about bisexuals suffering from mental illnesses like depression and I’m almost sure of why this is because a lot of guys I know gave up getting some dick because they “knew” they wouldn’t be allowed to and even if they were single. More worried about what others would think and say about them and at the risk of their mental well-being but men aren’t supposed to let stuff like this bother them; we’re supposed to man-up and sacrifice ourselves for the greater good… and a greater good that, apparently, is at the source of any of the ills bisexuality is accused of causing. Being bisexual isn’t the problem: Society’s very dim view is the problem; a guy who gave it up because they were ashamed wouldn’t feel this way if society didn’t heap a lot of guilt and shame over same-sex sex.

On Day 15 of 2022, I was thinking about all the guys I know who loved getting some dick… and gave it up and the many I know of who regretted giving it up. My heart goes out to them and I understand the things I learned about why they gave it up… and it made me even more determined to not give it up and to not just let go of such an important part of who I am.

 
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Posted by on 15 January 2022 in Today's Bisexual Thoughts

 

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Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: Day 14

Day 14 finds me with no real specific thoughts. Saw a clip of two older guys getting it on and they were kissing… and I wanted to barf, not because they were kissing but how overly exaggerated it was. They sucked each other in between kissing; one guy fucked the other guy and even did him a favor by being impressively coordinated enough to fuck the guy and jerk him off at the same time. Okay. Somewhat typical M2M porn in the older/older category. Couldn’t unsee the kissing and even as I watched the whole thing to see how it turned out, I was dumping lots of mental “bleach” all over the place.

I’ve kissed guys. Can take it or leave it and I usually leave it because I found out what girls find out: Some guys can’t kiss worth shit. One reason for this is that girls aren’t of a mind to tell us how they like or prefer to be kissed so, yeah, if you leave us to our own devices, ain’t no telling what the results will be but they’re usually not all that good. My mind dredged up an “interesting” fact I picked up somewhere and at some time about kissing and what’s “really going on” when we lay a lip-lock on someone and, usually, a woman: We’re actually giving her a good dose of testosterone which has the effect of lending to her arousal and it stands to reason that when guys are giving each other a lot of tongue, the added testosterone has the potential to ramp up our arousal… and like we needed some extra stuff to be horny critters.

I often see a lot of African males doing each other and really making me wonder how Twitter’s “following” algorithms actually work since someone has followed me and I see everything they might tweet or retweet. I know I can block them but I find it interesting to see men in other places in the world doing the deed with each other because it does prove that male bisexuality isn’t just the boogeyman we see it to be here in the US. And, yes, a lot of them speak to the woes and issues they have where they live about being bisexual and if we think we have it bad here, those guys have it a lot worse where they live… which would also explain why I’ve seen a lot of them say that they want to come to the US so they can be free of the great oppression and danger they face wherever they happen to be.

Not that any of this is really stopping them from laying the pipe to each other but such things were never all that effective to begin with. I will note that anyone who is a size queen would be “happy” with the African guys putting their “dirty deeds” on display – those dudes got serious dick for days and, yeah, if you’ve ever wondered about that “all Black guys have big dicks” thing came from, well, now you know. It just appears that cock size isn’t of any import to them… but being able to use whatever they got down there on other men is.

Are those who offer… content on a pay-per-view basis really sex workers? Is it a coincidence that most of those offering subscriptions to see them having sex are women and “a lot of them” aren’t squeamish about putting their love of pussy on display for the price of a subscription, either. On the one hand, I like seeing women who are of a mind to get theirs and if they are a kind of sex worker, well, okay… I guess. I’ve read some stuff about sex workers in other countries and how they’ve been pushing to be considered legal workers instead of being seen as prostitutes or whores and mandating health benefits and all that good stuff along with their safety in providing a service.

I’ve lost track of whatever’s being said about being a sex worker here in the US but, um, looking at Twitter, there seems to be a lot of men and women who are, in a way, providing a service for pay so someone can watch them having sex. Having said that, I’ve always had a problem watching porn because while I do like watching people have sex, I’d rather be right there with them and getting some instead of just watching and even being detached from the other sensory inputs that goes along with sex.

There’s a lot to learn, not about having sex but, well, watching the performers. You can almost tell when they’re faking it and you most definitely can tell when, say, a woman is sucking a huge dick and she’s just not feeling it as homey is pretty much choking the shit out of her. Ah, the things we do for money, eh? I saw a clip with a woman getting a facial… and she was not happy about getting it at all but her tag line was that if you wanted to see more, well, you gotta pay to see more. And, of course, there are a lot of people willing to plop down whatever the price of a subscription is and, as such, makes me wonder if these folks can be considered to be a kind of sex worker or not.

Things that make me go, “Hmm.”

I had a flashback (and out of nowhere as usual) of a moment where a guy was about to stick it in me and how I reacted to finding out that he was heavier than I thought he was… and not remembering why I was even thinking about that at the time. He was… chubby, for lack of a better word but, for some reason, I didn’t equate his chubbiness with his weight. His short but fat dick going in me didn’t bother me at all but once he settled in on me to screw me, yeah, wow, he’s fucking heavy! It was hard for me to enjoy what he was doing with almost all of his weight pressing down on me and more so when he eventually put all of his weight on me. Breathing was getting… interesting. I had told him a few times to “ease up” on me because he was heavy and he’d comply but, yeah, go right back to laying fully on me as he did his best to really bury his bone in me.

I was so very happy when he finally came and I remember him asking me (1) if it was good to me and (2) if I was okay since he knew about my complaints about him being heavy. The answer to #1 was yes, it was good and for #2, I was okay but, damn, man – he didn’t have to put all of his weight on me and that if he hadn’t, it would have been a lot better for me. I mean, he tried – it wasn’t like he just totally ignored me but I kinda/sorta understood that this was just the way he fucked. Me? I was a skinny kid (at the time) and barely weighed 100 pounds and probably wouldn’t have with a few cinder blocks ties to me but if I had to guess, he outweighed me by at least 20 pounds easily.

I’m sitting and reliving the flashback – and wondering what the fuck my brain was up to in giving me the flashback to begin it since, at the time, I was playing Minecraft and looking around the area of the new world I had just created… then the flashback hit me. I remember sucking his dick and how much fun it was since he had a short fatty – but not so fat that I couldn’t get my mouth around him. Oh, how he howled and begged for someone to save him – and I hadn’t even gotten warmed up yet! I wanted him to cum in my mouth but I knew I couldn’t if I wanted him in me – and I wanted him in me… but, damn, he was heavier than I thought. As I was chopping down a tree to get the wood I needed, I was… puzzled over why I didn’t know that he was going to be heavy.

Then my mind shifted the focus of the flashback from him being heavy to what it felt like when he pushed his fat dick into me… and it felt good. Didn’t much hurt – Vaseline just works – and I could feel my body reacting, in the here and now, to the moment he pressed himself against me and slid right on in and I didn’t feel… full. I remembered thinking about that and pushing away any disappointment I felt about not being “full” of dick but any other thoughts also got shoved to the side… because he was fucking heavy!

The flashback continued. He was apologetic and was almost in tears because he knew his weight was a problem and especially when trying to have sex with girls who weren’t having anything to do with him because (a) he was chubby and (b) his dick was chubby and not long enough for them. I felt bad for mentioning how his weight had made me uncomfortable and now I’m apologizing to him for, essentially, hurting his feelings.

I’m cutting down trees to clear the space where I decided to build my house and the memory of being with him is “stuck” in my head for some reason. I remember us talking before anything happened and him telling me why he (a) wanted to do it with me and (b) why he was doing it more with boys than girls; I remember feeling sorry for him and being quite horny, too, making me wonder, in the here and now, which thing made me agree to have sex with him. Hmm. He was good to suck. His dick didn’t cause me any problems being in me and despite him “crushing” me under him, he filled me up with a lot of cum which was fine with me.

Then it was my turn. He was pretty good at sucking me although his gag reflex kept kicking in so much that I had told him to ease up. He was a “big boy” with a big butt but when I got on top of him, I had no problem sliding right on in and, yeah, keeping my weight off of him even though, in the here and now, my slight weight probably wouldn’t have bothered him one bit. He was very much into it and was even talking to me as I screwed him and, honestly, I wasn’t really paying attention but, later, I’d remember that he was telling me that he used to be afraid to be screwed and that some guys wouldn’t because of him being “fat” and other things that gave great reason for him to be grateful that I agreed to do it with him.

He… giggled when I came in him. Why I remembered that is beyond me. He had wanted to do it all again and I wasn’t opposed to it except, um, when he fucked me, don’t put all of his weight on me. Once we had gotten cleaned up from the first time, I sucked him off and he did the same to me as we did the side-by-side 69 thing and after resting up for a few minutes, broke out his stash of Vaseline and, this time, he made it a point not to put a lot of weight on me and it made being screwed by him better the second time around. Switched places and he’s… giggling happily and I remember feeling both “annoyed” but pleased… and now, as I’m building my house in the game, I’m wondering why I felt that way while filing a complaint with my brain for hitting me with this flashback without warning.

My brain laughed at me and tore up the complaint… and kept the flashback running. Asshole. The two of us got together quite a few times to have sex and while it kept getting better, it was what I was learning about him that had a lot of importance. I remember being mad at the guys and gals who’d turn him down for sex and just berate him unmercifully over something he had no control over but, yeah, that’s just how it was. I liked having sex with him and, in the here and now – and while I was on top of my house putting in the boundary that would “support” the roof, I could feel myself smiling at those memories and how much he said it meant to him for us to have sex and that he felt… worthy.

Well, he always was and I had recognized it then and still do. His weight and chubbiness wasn’t that much of a problem but I could see, then and now, how and why others would take issue with it. He was very concerned about his dick not being as “big” as mine was and me telling him that it didn’t matter to me but, yeah, I knew how others were about it and how hypocritical they were to say that it wasn’t the size of the boat but the motion of the ocean that mattered… but they’d tease him unmercifully because of the size of his boat as well as his physical size.

The flashback faded away but the echo of it stayed with me for a few more moments. I heard myself sighing as the lingering moment also faded away and thinking that some people are just too focused on what they see and not of a mind to find that it’s not always about what they see since good sex is always where you can find it and you can often find in with people that your eyes will tell you that they aren’t “good enough” to have sex with. I understood his issue with girls and I knew that a lot of guys who had any issues trying to get into a girl’s panties would, at some point, turn to guys for sex because, by and large, we didn’t really care about the stuff girls did but, yeah, I got educated on that one – we can be just as bad about it, too.

My mind switched gears and had me thinking about… chubby guys and/or guys who didn’t have “big” dicks and how the more in-shape guys – and with bigger dicks, relatively speaking – would “conscript” the chubby guys into “being the girl” and like there was some unwritten or unspoken rule that said if you had the smaller dick, you had to be the girl in this and without exception. A lot of those chubby guys just went along with this because at least they were having sex even if there was no reciprocation; they were just grateful that some dude would want them to suck them off or be fucked by them (or both). Some were feeling some kind of way about being relegated to being the girl at all times; they’d want to be sucked off and do some fucking but a lot of guys just wasn’t having any of that. They were too “fat;” their dicks weren’t “big” enough – and read this as the chubby guy’s dick not measuring up to the other guy’s and if the chubby guy was really a half-inch shorter, he was the girl and there would be no reciprocation of any kind.

I had a lot of sex with guys who would be summarily rejected by both guys and gals. To me, these guys had something to prove and, as such, they would apply themselves to the sex a lot more than the more fit and big-dicked guys would. Amazing cocksuckers. A joy to fuck. And, yeah, damned good to have my mouth on and they could fuck with the best of them and then some. I’d often get razzed for having sex with these guys and it would make me mad but it would pass and I’d tell them, “At least I’m getting laid – when was the last time you got laid?”

That would tend to shut them the fuck up other than some grumbling because they got showed up and called out on it. Lots of, “Yeah, but…” shit that I’d wave off and repeat that I’m getting mad dick and ass from these guys… and they weren’t. I’d be asked by some, “Um, was he really that good?” and I’d tell them the truth: Yes, they were and then some. If you didn’t check them out, you’re an idiot. Better at sucking dick… because they had to be. More willing to take it in the ass… because they had to be. Had to prove that they might be overweight, and their dick might be short… but they knew how to use it and to good effect.

Just because it looks good doesn’t always mean it’s gonna be good. That’s a lesson I learned and a lot of guys and gals didn’t. Good sex is where you find it… and I found a lot of damned good sex with those who would be rejected by others just because of the way they looked.

Sigh. That’s it for Day 14 of 2022. I got some stuff to do in Minecraft…

 
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Posted by on 14 January 2022 in Today's Bisexual Thoughts

 

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Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: Day 13

Late last night, I was quickly scrolling through Twitter for any new news about the games I play and saw a tweet by someone who was complaining that – and to paraphrase – gays don’t care about bisexuals’ issues.

And I thought, “Why would they?” then asked the person who tweeted this why he thought that they should since gay folks still have their own problems and issues they have to deal with. I felt that this was another stab at the LGBTQ+ community and the ever-growing concern that it’s treating bisexuals as red-headed stepchildren and failing to really support bisexuals. Indeed, I remember reading an article a couple of years ago that reported some in-fighting with the community leadership as to whether or not bisexuals had a place in said community.

You might think that bisexuals and gays would get along “nicely” but, eh, not so much. Growing up and becoming more aware and somewhat knowledgeable about gays showed, at times, that some gay folks didn’t feel all warm and fuzzy about bisexuals. I felt that it was bad enough to sometimes get a raft of shit from straight folks about being in denial about being gay, then a bit surprising and annoying to hear gays giving me da bizness because I wasn’t gay.

I still remember a gay man telling me that if I hadn’t told him that I had sex with women, he would have taken me to bed and given me the ride of my life. I was very okay with him… until I told him that I was bi, not gay. That there’s been a rift between us isn’t unknown to me and it’s not all homosexuals who feel this way but, yeah – quite a few that I’ve run across have thought I was an okay guy… until they found out that I wasn’t gay. Some have been polite and some, well, man, talk about being drama queens!

The other thing about that tweet that I was thinking about was, “What bisexual issues is he talking about… and are those issues real or a ‘mass hallucination’ – creating problems where none previously existed?” I sometimes see a lot of tweets about the issues bisexuals have and I really do wonder what they’re talking about; I know that I don’t have these “issues” and never did just as I know other bisexuals that have never mentioned having any of these issues other than the expected frustration over having a hard time finding someone they can be sexual with. Oh, and sometimes having run-ins with gays who voiced their dislike of bisexuals.

I remember getting into it with a gay man about their very real problems and he felt that I should become a warrior in their plight and fight for recognition and the other things our society was denying them because of their sexuality. He assumed that because I was bi, his problems were also my problems and he got quite pissy when I said, “I don’t have those problems so I can’t really relate to what you’re saying even though I am aware of the shit y’all have had to deal with for so long.”

Oh, my. He got into that “straight privilege” crap as the main reason why I and other bisexuals were escaping the social ire which, when I could get a word in, had me point out to him that bisexuals don’t have some straight privilege… because we are straight until we do something that isn’t. I pointed out that I’ve been around long enough to know when a lot of gay men started getting into being straight-acting in order to avoid the bullshit going on and up to and including marrying women to “prove” to others that they weren’t the gay man people thought they were.

He categorically denied this but I could understand why he would since he was from the generation after mine so he “missed” this change in the homosexual dynamic that those in my generation saw and knew about. Not to mention that a lot of gays in the past had to act straight to avoid being persecuted for being gay. Without a doubt, homosexuals have had some very major shit to deal with… but it remained true – even from my perspective – that their problems weren’t our problems because, um, we’re not gay.

Make no mistake: I do sympathize with what gays have had to endure but until all this shit appeared demonizing bisexuals, the only real problem we had was being mistaken or misidentified as being gay. I am aware of the issues that supposedly are the bane of bisexuality and, honestly, it sounds way too much like the same things I’ve heard all of my life… about homosexuals. From the mental health issues to being subjected to all sorts of violence – and as a matter of course more than isolated incidents – to being refused employment, housing, etc…. and I’m not saying that it’s totally and completely untrue but I do often question if, for some, these issues are more of a figment of their imagination than a reality and then it’s being presumed that all bisexuals have these issues.

When that’s not close to the truth… but I can recall many of the homosexuals I knew being highly paranoid over being hammered for being gay… and that never happened to them, well, not socially anyway if you catch my drift. I remember reading an early article before this clusterfuck really got rolling that listed all of the problems bisexuals had to deal with and it seemed to me that after that article got out, a lot of bisexuality were saying that they had all of those issues in their life, like being rejected by family and friends because they were bi but, in many situations, the put-upon bisexual crying the blues hadn’t come out to anyone. Hmm. See, I don’t know how it’s possible for someone to give a bisexual all that grief if they don’t know the person is bisexual to begin with.

Oh, wait – I do know. It’s like a form of hypochondria in that you can read some real shit that a bisexual had to deal with after they came out and it’s not that difficult for someone to think that this shit is happening – or will – happen to them but, I think, not thinking that up to that point, they weren’t being subjected to the great social ire because no one knew they were bisexual.

I do know of bisexuals – women, mostly – who have been subjected to acts of violence against them and it is a potential risk but one that has been blown out of proportion and, I think, a tool in the smear campaign against bisexuals because women have historically been victims of violence and not just because they were bisexual or even gay. For some, this shit is real but I question if all of this stuff is a true “epidemic” for all bisexuals and like it’s all being talked and worried about.

I just have a problem with folks crying wolf over the woes of being bisexual when the only real way they can become “victimized” by these things is if they come out to someone and they not only catch hell from whomever they came out to, but an avalanche of hell also just buries them in some way. I sit and read on the forum of bisexual men worrying themselves sick over being persecuted for being bisexual even though the only people who knows about this are the people on the forum.

What I have always known even in the earlier times that the only way you had a problem with someone about this is (1) if they falsely accused you of being gay or (2) you came out to them and they took offense and then they ran around telling everyone they knew. It happened. It just didn’t happen to everyone. Not all gays were hunted down to be tarred and feathered. For them, it was a great epidemic of hurt, pain, and wholesale prejudice but stuff that bisexuals didn’t have to deal with until or unless they came out to someone who took great offense.

But as I’ve seen on the forum, there’s a very firm belief and fear that if some shit happened to one, it will happen to all. Um, no. Now, should gays be concerned over whatever issues bisexuals have? I don’t know why they would and in an overall kind of way since, again, they have their own issues with society and issues that, as bisexuals, we don’t have in that overall kind of way. I often find myself telling people to not even try to make their problems my problems because I have my own shit I gotta deal with and shit that has nothing to do with being bisexual. It’s not that I don’t care; it’s not that I’m not concerned about the shit I’ve been hearing about from other bisexuals who, after coming out, are deep in the doo-doo. But I also do not expect homosexuals to totally understand how complex being bisexual is given that we have straight folks on one side and gay folks on the other – and some folks on either side just have issues with us.

Really, the only time I’ve had a problem with anyone about being bi is when I told them that I was and they had… objections. Okay, that sucks but if they didn’t know this about me, well, does it make sense to be overly worried or even paranoid about all holy hell descending upon me if no one knows that I’m bisexual? I understand that some bisexuals are in the shit because they came out and, indeed, I’ve seen a bit of backing up where this is concerned; at one point, the call went out for all bisexuals to come out but I think that when a lot of them did – and got their heads handed to them – well, um, let’s not and say we did, shall we? The pressure to come out is still there and being in the closet is a “pretty fucked up place to be” – and I’ve wondered if anyone knows that “being in the closet” was something homosexuals were first accused of? I know it but, yep, I’ve been around long enough to have been able to know the origins of this phrase.

Being in the closet is seen as a very bad thing but if you consider that, as a culture and society we have always had this great hatred and dislike for anyone who isn’t straight, common sense kinda tells you not to tell “everyone” that you’re not straight since it’s long since been proven that there’s great chance things will not go well for you after the fact so staying in the closet is a good place to be and more so when one can be in the closet and be actively bisexual if they got it like that. Shit, even I won’t tell everyone I know that I’m bisexual… because they don’t need to know and it’s none of their damned business. That and since I’ve had my share of listening to the dumb shit, I ain’t got the time or patience to listen to it and coming from people who I know have no idea of what they’re talking about.

Yeah, I know this is me but I also know that there are others like me. I’ve had to live with knowing that being a bisexual man isn’t seen as a good thing “by one and all.” That’s just the way it is and how it’s always been for us and homosexuals. But it’s not a problem until it really does become a problem and just because some bad shit happened to one person does not ever mean that it will happen to every damned bisexual on the planet.

Jesus H. Christ-Almighty. If you listen to some, being bisexual is some “end of the world” shit. I very much understand those bisexuals who, after coming out, got all kinds of shit dumped on them from violence against them to suffering from depression because they got rejected and vilified by those they once felt they could trust and who would understand. Real shit… but while a lot of us have had shit dumped on us, not all of us have been subjected to violence or are suffering from great bouts of depression… because, well, that’s just not the case or situation with us. Someone had asked me if being bisexual depresses me and I said that it never did. I’ve been suffering from depression for quite a while now because of the inescapable pain I’ve been enduring since I had my stroke but I got this; the mild depression got shoved into a corner because I cannot function if all I’m doing it thinking about how fucked up it is to have had this happen to me and I’m really not trying to be medicated for it – that shit is… evil. I don’t see much of a point to get any therapy for this because there’s nothing that can be done about the source of my pain and, again, being drugged out of my mind isn’t an option – been there and got some funny stories about it.

I have other things that are potentially depressing but my bisexuality isn’t one of them and never has been… because I won’t allow it. I can’t allow it. Violence against me? Been there, too, and handed out some lessons that haven’t been repeated since I was a teenager… and dealing with stupid motherfuckers who thought I was gay. I feel that a lot of bisexuals are allowing the social problems other people have about sexuality become their problem and expecting or even demanding that gays grab their swords and shields and take up our cause to be recognized and accepted is… unreasonable since, um, they don’t have to if they don’t want to.

One guy said, “Well, look at you – you are one big and mean-looking son of a bitch so I can understand why no one would give you grief about being bi!” Well, he was kinda right about that but, you see, I don’t particularly give a fuck about someone giving me grief about this and haven’t for a damned long time. Can’t stop them from doing it… but I don’t have to pay any attention to it and no more than I really pay attention to the issues some bisexuals say are, again, the bane of bisexual existence but, then again, I happen to know that these issues are too much like the issues homosexuals had so, to that end and from my perspective, the only thing that’s changed is who’s being targeted by this ongoing angst. Used to be homosexuals and now it’s been transferred to bisexuals.

Now we got some shit foisted upon us that we don’t need but some of us have to put up and deal with. Some gays are “on our side;” some aren’t. Again, you’d think that since we’re, ah, kinda like gay folks that they’d be more understanding but the reality doesn’t always reflect that. And not all bisexuals rallied to the homosexuals’ cause, did they? Not because of any angst toward them but as individuals, we have our own day to day shit we gotta deal with first and foremost. It’s understandable. Actually, normally human.

Such a thing isn’t unrealistic; it’s just unreasonable to expect all gays to rally to our cause and plight when our problems aren’t their problems so much – they still have their own shit to deal with. Some are willing to jump in their with us… and some ain’t trying to hear any of it.

I observe this kind of stuff going on and wonder what the fuck is really going on and why is it going on. I have great sympathy for my bisexual brothers and sisters who are going through some shit and, at best, all I can do is to encourage them to be strong and if there’s help available to them, don’t hesitate to get it. I get to interact with some who are feeling some kind of way and I can tell them this same thing; it’s not the end of the world and, no, everyone isn’t out to get them and more so when not everyone they know even knows that they’re bisexual… but it is true that when you come out, you could have problems and even then we assume that we will which is why a lot of bisexuals are hesitant to come out to begin with.

This is all I have for Day 13 of 2022.

 
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Posted by on 13 January 2022 in Today's Bisexual Thoughts

 

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Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: Day 12

I actually had to look twice at the clock/calendar at the bottom right of my monitor to “verify” that we’re now just 12 days in to 2022. That check probably happened because I was trying to remember the thing I saw on Twitter late last night that got my attention and, really, what I should have done was open WordPress on my iPad and start writing… but, nah. Just like I could get up and go get my iPad and flip through the many tweets to find what had gotten my attention but, nah.

It wasn’t exactly a very specific thing about bisexuality but more of a recurring theme kind of thing, like all the bi-positive messages that can be seen to let “troubled” bisexuals know that they’re worthy and I had the thought that if they didn’t know that they were worthy already, well, the messages “confirming” this serve a purpose but, still.

The woman I had had a torrid and life-changing affair with told me this: “You never let anyone steal your joy. Never. Ever.” I don’t readily remember what we had been talking about to elicit this bit of wisdom but I could see the point she was making with this statement and how it can apply to anything that brings you joy. A lot of bisexuals spend an awful amount of time being inside their own head and especially in the beginning. Why did this happen to me? Where did this come from? What the hell am I going to do about this and how do I make it go away? What are people going to think and say about me?

These things, all by themselves, can be daunting but then you dump in the often-vicious angst that continues to make the rounds – and especially toward male bisexuals – and it makes trying to answer the above questions harder to do. Platitudes, no matter how well-meaning, aren’t going to calm down the internal clusterfuck a whole lot; pointing out that this celeb or that one came out as bi, in reality, doesn’t mean a whole lot since that was them… and this is you. Getting deep into how TV, movies, and books portray bisexuals – and then being… bitchy about how these mediums get it wrong more than they get it right also doesn’t much help someone who is trying to answer those questions in the third paragraph.

It also doesn’t help when, on the whole, even bisexuals can’t seem to agree what bisexuality is and instead of looking to the source of human sexuality, they’re content to make it up and as they see it and in some ways that I’ve found to be, well, “interesting” isn’t quite the word I have in mind since what you think something is and what it really is can often be very different since it’s pretty normal to look at something from your own perspective and depending on how much information you have about it. One of the hardest things I had to learn how to do as a bisexual is to step away from my own perceptions so I could see bisexuality as it really is which proved to allow me to better see how others were seeing and why they saw it the way they did.

I’ll see some of this stuff on Twitter and, sometimes, I have something to say about it and I get pretty real about whatever I’m saying and, often, it’s me saying some form of, “Why don’t you know this already?” or, I’d guess, infamously, “Why are you even wasting your time paying attention to the dumb shit?” Boy, do I ever get a lot of likes when I put my four cents worth into these things! Like the last thing I chimed in on about why male bisexuals get the third degree about being bisexual and someone said that they never thought about that… and had me wondering how they could not think about it and why they don’t know this. Just more proof of the cyclic nature of our failure to pass on what we know about sexuality.

We know about being straight. Very well documented and all that. We know about being gay; this, too, is very well documented and more so since we’ve been pitching a bitch about homosexuals since like forever so even though we can ask someone why they’re gay, it’s not like we don’t know what “gay” is… but, yeah, it very much seems to be true that when it comes to bisexuality, every generation sees this as a new and unknown thing because we fail to “educate” ourselves and then pass what we know on to the next generation and then be able to do it without dumping tons of sugar on it or drowning it in vinegar or, worse, rehashing the same old, tired-ass rhetoric that even I got sick and tired of having to listen to about people who go both ways are really gay and in denial of being gay.

For someone who is trying to make sense of this bisexual thing, this failure to communicate effectively and without making shit up just doesn’t help. I often see the pro-bisexuality crowd on Twitter get into some heated discussions because they can’t agree on what bisexuality is, what it means, and how it should be expressed. The emergence of a great many more transgenders has shaken the boat up big time and to the point where “gender” has been included in the definition of bisexuality and it makes me get that look on my face to see so many of the good guys not only buying into this but fiercely asserting that they’re right about it… and they aren’t and they’d know this if they understood that even transgenders can be bisexual if they want or need to be… and I have no idea why they don’t know this.

The anti-bisexual crowd kinda/sorta doesn’t have to do anything to denigrate or minimize us because we’re doing a good job of making our house… messy. Perhaps they don’t realize what they’re doing that’s not helping other bisexuals, like going on major rants about biphobia and making some new bisexuals fearful that they will be erased and a sentiment that’s patently ridiculous since, if they paid attention to history, we tried to erase and eradicate homosexuals… and utterly failed to do so. And I don’t have a problem pointing this out to them by pretty much punching them in the face with some cold, hard facts – and facts that I’ve taken great “pains” to learn.

Some do point back to history… and to famous people who were bisexual. I get it. Proves the point that anyone can be bisexual but, duh, um, how come you don’t know this already? I am bothered by those who validate their bisexuality via some famous person’s bisexuality. I had to validate myself and that was actually kinda “easy” – I like boys and girls. Proved it to myself a whole lot before I even knew that the word “bisexual” even existed. Oh, okay – so that’s what I’ve been doing! Sure, I had to “nail it all down” while during a period of time when homosexuals were catching all kinds of unholy hell.

These “modern” bisexuals came in on the “tail end” of this and because homosexuals successfully defended their right to be homosexual, now I’m seeing the same thing happening with bisexuals and the social and political push being made toward our right to be bisexual… and you’d do me a huge favor if you’d really think about this and, if it helps, the way I did:

You mean to tell me that I have to “beg” a bunch of people to give me the right to be the way I am… when I already had that right the moment I was born? The platitudes insist that bisexuality is real and I’m like, duh, ya think? It’s not that our bone-headed societies don’t know this because they have always known it – they just don’t like it. They have and will resort to any means necessary to promote their own views and beliefs about how all of us should be… and that’s not bi- or homosexual. Even “worse” from where I’m sitting is seeing the great number of Black bisexuals insisting that we’re real and even creating our own “Black bisexual thing” that, to me, only serves to keep putting up walls between us all since bisexuality doesn’t much give a shit about such things… but, yeah, people do.

I still remember the day I read that thing that said that there’s no such animal as a Black, male bisexual… and I remember stepping off in the ass of the person who wrote it for making such a patently ridiculous statement and one borne out of the misconception that all Blacks are homophobic. Yes, if you follow this “logic,” then it “stands to reason” that there aren’t any Black and specifically male bisexuals… and that’s one hell of a mistake since, um, I’m one and I grew up with a lot of them.

The overall thing I take away from this is that being bisexual isn’t hard… but dealing with the perceptions and beliefs that others have makes it very hard to be bisexual but also makes it very damned important to never let anyone steal your joy. Never. Ever. I’m of a mind that once you take this stance, being okay with yourself as a bisexual becomes less of a problem – but you still have to contend with how you’re going to express yourself in this and that’s never easy because it usually involves… other people.

I get to go to the forum each and every day and watch my fellow male bisexuals running around all over the place about being bisexual and I always get the image of headless chickens in my mind when I see them doing it and, speaking of chickens, I also often get the image of Chicken Little in my head when my fellow male bisexuals are losing their shit about the “sky” falling. It’s a sad thing to see because many of them would rather believe the dumb shit being said instead of (1) believing in themselves and (2) doing their best to not let anyone steal their joy of being bisexual.

I’m almost “sure” that the “old school bisexuals” in the generation before mine was sitting back and watching us new bisexuals coming up and out and wondering what the fuck we were doing and why didn’t we know some… stuff that they learned and given the time when they were like us – young, dumb, and full of cum that needed to be spent on each other because, uh, that’s the way it’s always been, ya young pup! We didn’t know it… because there was no one to teach it to us, not that our society has ever been all that keen to really provide in-depth sex education to begin with. Like, I never had a mentor in these things and, as such, I had to learn about it on my own and, yup, often, the hard way but, all in all, I had a grand time learning even when I wasn’t having sex with someone. Fine. I realized, one day a long time ago that I was “paying it forward” by talking to other guys and gals about this strange urge to go both ways. I might not have sex with them but they’d go away knowing more about it than they did before we got to talking.

I saw, at the height of my generation’s bisexual explosion, that we were, at the least, talking more about it than before; “everyone else” still thought that going both ways was some freaky shit but, whatever floats your boat and all that. The… bullshit was still being flung all over the place but those of us in my generation didn’t really pay a whole lot of attention to it because we were still in the “age” of “If it feels good, do it!” and it sure as fuck felt damned good to do it, you know, as long as everybody didn’t find out what you were doing to make yourself feel so damned good.

But even then, others were confusing bisexuality with homosexuality… because they knew what homosexuality was and what it looked like and, yep, not paying much attention to the fact that bisexuals are also heterosexual. Here in 2022, the cycle continues to repeat and not so much in a good way because these new bisexuals aren’t… being all that clear or much on the same page about this other than what their personal opinions are. I mean, yeah – I have my own opinions but they’re borne out of experience and my innate need to keep asking “why” and then finding the answers. I’ve mentored a lot of guys and gals over the years; I’ve told them what I’ve learned and have emphasized that it is important for them to figure out how they can be the best bisexual they can be and in the fact of the ongoing angst against anyone who isn’t heterosexual. Find your joy… then don’t let anyone steal it from you and know that, without any doubt whatsoever, they will try to steal it from you.

Someone has to do such things and, I think, preferably, without the sugar. We like to talk about keeping it on the real and everyone has their own idea of what that means but bisexuality is still some seriously real shit and has always been a part of what it means to be human and I have had the honor and privilege to get very real with some folks about this. What’s good about it. What can be totally FUBAR about it – that’s “fucked up beyond all recognition” for those who don’t recognize the acronym and one, oddly, I learned in the military. Even with my current protege, I have to keep reminding him that there are times when he’s thinking about being bi, he has to step away from the way he’s seeing this to see “what’s really going on” around him. I sometimes catch him saying a lot of the things I hear other “modern” bisexual saying, like injecting the word gender or referring to bisexuality as liking men or women when, correctly, it’s men and women. Inclusive.

That he makes these “mistakes” is pretty normal from my point of view because I’ve gotten to see a whole lot of people make them as well and, yes, even I did before I realized that I was not only making these mistake but, yep, the same ones everyone else was making… and then I found out why and, well, damn – that would explain why we can be so fucked up in the head about this because there are those who want to steal our joy and one way to do that is to get us thinking that we just might be all fucked up when, in fact and truth, we never were.

I get to point this out on Twitter at times. The reactions I get are… interesting. Why are you paying attention to the dumb shit? Why are you letting others tell you how you’re supposed to be when you know the way you are? What are you doing to be okay with yourself in this? Why are you doing anything that is not working toward making you the best bisexual – and person – you can be?

Importantly, why aren’t we paying this forward in a way that we can know bisexual like we know hetero- and homosexual? That’s the part I can’t figure out; I don’t know how to break the cycle or what it’s really going to take to break it… but I’m doing my best with it. There are a lot of bisexuals who are in therapy because they’re letting the dumb shit they’ve been hearing get in the way of them being okay with themselves. I get it. If you need professional help, get it and the sooner, the better. A lot of us, however, get to be okay with this particular joy and without spending a single moment in a therapist’s office and that’s usually do to those of us being able to keep our own counsel about our sexuality and what it means to us as well as how we choose to go about being bisexual in our daily lives.

I don’t listen to the dumb shit… because I know it’s dumb shit. I understand our very human and innate need to be… tribal. I understand what the fear of the other can make us say and do about anyone who isn’t like us and, as such, they’re not only against us, but they must also be dealt with and by any means necessary… and social media has become a huge stick to beat bisexuals with because everyone has an opinion about it that it, in fact, dead wrong… and that includes some bisexuals, I’m quite sad to say. I understand that I’m very old school about this; I have been accused of not “getting with the times” and an accusation I categorically deny because I know that I need to know what these “new bisexuals” are saying and doing since being bisexual isn’t static and by its very nature, it is dynamic. Fluid. Subject to change literally from one moment to the next. Pussy-crazy this minute, dick-crazy a split-second later. It’s environmental in that our bisexuality is literally affected by what’s going on around us and the current environment, on the whole, is pretty unsettled and, I think, because we’re not being as real about this as I had learned to be.

I’m not the only one who really gets it; I’m probably one of the few who still has the fucking nerve to say something about what I’m seeing and the thing that bothers me the most these days is having been smacked upside the head with the fact that these bisexuals today are looking at this like it’s something new. I hadn’t seen this before. Mea culpa. Once I did, yeah, things made even more sense but they are fighting against the one constant that continues to exist:

We’re all supposed to be straight; we “allow” folks to be gay. Being both? Still “fucked up” because we have never established – and way before my time – that it’s okay to be both so we keep having to prove that it’s as real and as okay as being straight or gay is. When you wind up leaving people to their own devices, they can only do the best they can do to make sense of something but making sense of this for themselves is just… harder. While bisexuality has always had a romantic component, we are insisting that it is the part of bisexuality that we have to pay the most attention to which is unrealistic since there are those of us who have zero interest in romance or anything that leads to a relationship that isn’t of the FWB kind… and we’ve done some stuff with this as well.

The pro-bisexual crowd emphasizes that as bisexuals, we are free to love whomever we care to and this true… but not the whole of it. Those who say that as bisexuals, we are free to have sex with whomever we care to and as long as they want to tend to get shouted down by the “Hearts Not Parts” gang and those who are firmly of a mind that gender is now a determining factor in order to be bisexual. The one thing, again, has nothing to do with the other but, sigh, a lot of people believe it and it’s a bitch trying to change or correct what someone believes and even if they agree that, um, yeah, you’re right. It is true enough that everyone who is bisexual has to figure out what the hell this means to them but that also starts with knowing what it is and, well, we ain’t on the same page about it and given how many different definitions of bisexual I get to see on almost a daily basis.

It’s what the Tweeter thinks and what they’ve heard from others… but not what it really is. I had to strip it down to the bare bones in order to understand this the way I do and while taking into considering everything I’ve ever heard from others and regardless to their sexuality. The very human nature of bisexual is, to me, undeniable and I know this… but we all don’t seem to know this and therein lies the biggest problem with being bisexual:

It’s what we aren’t bothering to learn. Content to make it up as we go while continuing to let others do their best to steal our joy in being bisexual. All I can do is be real about it. More often than not all up in one’s face about it. Daring to tell some that what you think it is isn’t what it really is and can be. If you’re finding it difficult being bisexual, it’s usually because you’re making it difficult and if you fail to achieve that comfortable place a lot of us have found, the haters have succeeded in stealing your joy and, yeah, making you be the way they want you to be. We are so busy trying to present a unified front that we might not be thinking about what we should do first and foremost:

Be very damned okay with being bisexual and no matter who tries to steal our joy in this. Using our intelligence to validate ourselves instead of depending on dubious sources for that validation like famous people coming out as bisexual – and even they’re being asked if they’re really gay or in denial of being gay. Those who ask such questions cannot or do not see the truth in human sexuality… because they don’t want to; they believe that they had to wage war against people like us. It’s… attitude, for lack of a better word and an attitude borne out of being able to believe in yourself and no matter what.

The proof of concept comes with doing and those who would steal your joy most definitely will do and say whatever they need to as to keep you from proving this to yourself by getting naked and letting nature run its course. It’s okay to be intellectually bisexual; we all don’t want to have the sex or be romantically involved any more than we want to be any more relationally involved than we may already be. Not a damned thing wrong with that.

What you should do about this is… be yourself. Figure it out for yourself and learn to sweep the dumb shit to the side. Learn the facts, you know, if you wanna be bothered with them because there’s a lot of them… a whole lot of them. Individualize it for yourself or, as I’ve said, own it. Make it uniquely yours. We aren’t as “all the same” as people tend to think we are and the only “same” thing about is us that we’re bisexual… but it’s the how and why of things that makes us unique… and no one gets to tell us how to be bisexual. Well, that’s what I’m doing right now, huh? But I’m the bi guy who doesn’t follow the herd because I do have the nerve to be real about this.

I’m not gonna blow smoke up your ass about it. This bisexual thing is real. It is very damned part of humanity and always has been. It can be… gritty. The path littered with pot- and sinkholes just waiting for the unwary to fall into and all along the way, misinformation. I’m more sexual than emotional as a bisexual. No shame whatsoever about that. I own the way I am. A graduate of the school of bisexual hard knocks. Aware of the dumb shit but not giving it any weight. I know me. I’m okay with me and the bisexual I am and have learned to be the best I can be since a lot of that actually has nothing to do with my sexuality – it just comes along for the ride, as it were. Welcome aboard. Enjoy the ride.

Because to do anything less than that makes no sense, and it shouldn’t ever make sense. This is the message for Day 12 of 2022. Be who you need to and don’t let anyone steal your joy. Never. Ever.

 
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Posted by on 12 January 2022 in Today's Bisexual Thoughts

 

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Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: Day 11

More random thoughts. If we “fooled around” in those hormone-driven younger days, why be ashamed of it? For a lot of bi guys, this was their first “taste” of sex; they learned what “sex was” and learned that if they were told that boys should never do this, well, that was a lie… of sorts. The important thing is, despite that one forum member who likes to piss in corn flakes, the membership continues to tell their stories and one member wrote yesterday that it made him feel good to know that he wasn’t the only one who had sexual encounters with his young male friends.

We get to riffing and bitching about bisexual males but we don’t want to be bothered with talking about some stuff, like, well, check this out. I remember reading quite a few “papers” that sought to explain why men are bisexual but those “papers” were focused on young men between the ages of 16 and 20 and then got into what I took to be psychobabble and going on about potential latent homosexuality surfacing and dancing around a fact that I knew: Guys between those ages were about getting some dick because (1) it was sex and (2) girls weren’t giving up the booty all that much. And I know that because when I was in the 16-20 age bracket, those were the reasons quite a few guys were getting their need for sex taken care of by yours truly.

But for a great many of them, this… craving didn’t just appear when they were 16 and I didn’t miss the fact that no one mentioned this and probably to maintain the illusion that guys younger than 16 had no idea what sex was, let alone trying to do it. Recall that I may have mentioned that the adults in my generation were of a mind that there was no way in hell any of us could know about sex or find out about it. Uh-huh. Sure we couldn’t.

As an adult, I’m pretty sure that I’ve had more sex with gay men than bisexual ones. Not sure of the exact number and even if I knew it, it doesn’t matter all that much except when talking about the differing focal points, i.e., gay men being “all about men” and bi men seeing sex with men as a “replacement” for sex with women or, for some, that “in case of emergency” thing that was at the very bottom of their list of sexual things to do. If a dude got desperate enough – and jerking off did nothing more than make his arms sore – uh, um, shit, maybe some dude would be interested in having sex with them.

Interestingly enough, between the ages of 16 and 20, guys who couldn’t get or keep a girlfriend would “reluctantly” have sex with other guys until they got another girlfriend or found one who had few qualms about having a lot of sex with homey. Then again, I know of a lot of guys who used the lack of pussy as an excuse and justification for why they were spending a lot of time with my dick in their mouth (at the very least) and after we’d cream the daylights out of each other, they’d sometimes thank me for “helping a brother out in his time of need.” Not exactly a bro-job but if I’ve learned nothing about this, it’s that humans have the amazing ability to justify anything that they might do and especially when they’re not supposed to be doing it.

It’s just that I happen to know that this sexual behavior doesn’t just and only manifest itself when a guy turns 16.

Another “random” thought I had was, to me, um, embarrassing: I never sucked an uncut dick until I was 50. On one hand, I had finally rid myself of a life-long “prejudice” I had; on another hand, I’m sure that if I had done my due diligence when negotiating with the guy and had asked him if he was cut or not – and he said that he wasn’t cut – that would have been a deal-breaker for me… and I’d known for the longest time that it shouldn’t be. Now, I didn’t get traumatized by some guy with an uncut dick unless you consider just seeing one as a cause. We had this one kid in our cadre who wasn’t cut and to me, his dick was the ugliest thing I’d ever seen and, as such, there was no way in hell that I was going to let him put it in my mouth. To set the record straight, I have been fucked by guys with uncut dicks… but, again, never sucked one until I was 50.

We negotiated and he said he was on his way to me. I’d jumped in the shower even though I had just taken one maybe an hour before but I had to do something to calm myself and get real about this; don’t get all excited and everything because until he actually shows up, there’s nothing to be excited about. He said that he’d be where I was in 15 minutes and he showed up 12 minutes later. Now I could be excited! We spent what I’ll call the “required two or three minutes of talking about nothing” before he said, “Can we do this now?” and I said, “You bet your ass we can!”

I was so hungry for dick that I almost tore his pants getting him out of them and I had him naked in record time, looked down at his erection and… oh, no! He’s not cut! Damn it! I’m not sure that he noticed how “freaked out” I was about this because, in real time, that only lasted for a few seconds. We had both agreed that we didn’t want to fuck each other so that “option” was off the table. This now became a matter of honor: I gave my word that if he showed up, I was going to suck his dick and, well, what meant more to me: My “dislike” of uncut dicks or my honor? In the last second of my being freaked out, I remembered something a woman had told me about uncut dicks. She didn’t like them either and, like me, all that extra skin just creeped her out but she said that she’d just “peel them like a banana” and that was that.

So that’s what I did. I tore homey’s ass up, too. Even sucked that dick unpeeled, too. Got very much into doing him; I sucked on his nipples for quite a bit of time – and that’s something I found to be quite pleasurable for myself and the guy I was with because, well, some women don’t think about our nipples and that we might like them sucking on them. I’m working his nipples over and he’s trying to get away from me but, nah, he’s not going anywhere even though he probably outweighed me by a good 20-30 pounds – he wasn’t a “little guy – before I went south to suck on his balls – and while trying to twist his nipples off at the same time. He’s moaning and groaning and calling on someone to save him – Jesus was prominently the one he was calling on to help and save him – before I finally got back to sucking on his dick until he exploded in my mouth… which was damned good but not “good enough” so I had to, ah, entice him to do it again.

He was losing his shit because I hadn’t let go of him after he came. He kept saying stuff like, “What are you doing?” as well as, “I don’t believe this shit!” and saying, “No…” quite a few times – but it is to note that he didn’t bother to dislodge me, either. His “uncut banana” got hard again pretty quickly and I deep-throated the shit out of him until he exploded for me again. I had a couple of thoughts as I got to my feet to stretch out the kinks and the first was, shit – you mean to tell me that I passed up all those opportunities to suck an uncut dick… for nothing? Because I couldn’t wrap my head around some stuff that I did, in fact, know about?

Homeboy finally opened his eyes, saw my erection and said, “Hell, yeah – that’s what I’m talking about!” He jumped up and literally tossed me in the spot he’d been sitting in and started going to town on me. He was good at it but I was… distracted because I wanted to get him into my mouth again. I guess because I had worked over his nipples, he got to sucking on mine, which turned me up to about 15 at that point; he reached under me and grabbed my butt cheeks and started shoving me into his mouth nice and deep for quite a bit of time before I “took over” and had fun fucking his mouth until I finally came.

“Damn, man – you are one serious cocksucker!” he said. “I ain’t never had some dude suck me back-to-back like that! And damn – when you started sucking my nipples, I almost came!”

Yeah, I had known that because I had my hand wrapped around his dick as I sucked his nipples and could feel those little tremors in dick that told me that if I kept sucking his nipples, he was gonna pop his cork – and he had to do that in my mouth. We thanked each other, he got dressed and went on with the rest of his day. I hadn’t bothered to get dressed – I needed yet another shower because I’d gotten all hot and sweaty and so much that I noticed when my deodorant had given up trying to keep me dry and smelling nice. As I showered, I was giving myself “da bizness” for having that prejudice and carrying it with me for as long as I did.

I was “guilty with reason” because I’d heard girls say some very bad things about guys with all that skin and how stinky they were and some that this… stuff under their skin that stank even more and, yup, I wanted to know why even though that wasn’t the reason why I wouldn’t suck any guy who had all that skin: Their dicks were just too damned ugly to look at… and I think they still are today – but that no longer stops me from sucking an uncut dick. Way back then, I found out what smegma was and how it actually lubricates a guy under that skin but it also meant that a guy had to studiously keep himself clean there and, well, according to a lot of guys and gals I’d heard from, some guys weren’t that fastidious. So both ugly and smelly. No, thanks – here, put it in me and fuck me and I figured that if it was in my ass, I didn’t have to see it like I could if I sucked it.

I still feel like an idiot about that. I knew better; I knew that other than having foreskin, the dick could still be sucked because, duh, other people were sucking them and the truth was that even though I’d sometimes hear complaints about uncut guys not being all that clean under their foreskin, the complaints were more in the minority than the majority. I knew the facts of uncut dicks and my prejudice wasn’t having any of it. As I showered that day, I did the math and felt even more stupid about the fact that it took me 41 years after I sucked my first dick to finally suck a guy who wasn’t cut… and all because I had to been too excited about being able to suck this guy that I didn’t think to ask him if he was cut or not and I didn’t ask him and didn’t even pay attention, at the time, that he never asked, either.

What I had been learning when trying to hook up with guys online was that being cut or uncut could, at times, be a deal breaker. In my defense, I don’t think I ever DQ’d a guy just because he was uncut but he’d say something else that would be a deal-breaker for me and I’d “sigh a sigh of relief” that his disqualified himself and the deal was off. I would think about whether or not I was unconsciously looking for excuses to break deals with uncut guys… and maybe I was but a lot of those guys would invariably be “my idea of an asshole” so no deal.

There were quite a few times I got DQ’d… because I don’t have foreskin. At first, that would piss me off but I quickly understood that I had a thing against foreskin so it just stood to reason that there will be guys who aren’t fans of guys who don’t have foreskin. We are and can be seriously funny about the dick that goes in us somewhere. My thoughts went from this late but landmark moment in my bisexual life to the number of times I’d get DQ’d because I don’t have ten inches of dick or some dude would be feeling some kind of way because I have an above average dick and, no, I’m not going to tell you how big my dick is because it’s irrelevant… but, yeah, I got to learn that for a lot of people, it is very much relevant. I get it. Doesn’t make a lot of sense to me but people have preferences in this and they will, almost without fail, stick with them even if their preferences keeps them from having sex.

At least my, um, preference to not have an uncut dick in my mouth didn’t stop me from having sex with the guy. And it took an… oversight on my part for me to finally do that and I very much loved it. Not gonna lie about that. Still feel like an idiot over the fact that it took me that long to get that stupid thing out of my head… so I could give a guy some head. I was surprised when the guy called me once he got to wherever he was supposed to be and he had me laughing to myself as he was quite bubbly talking about how I did a number on him and like no other guy had ever done. I didn’t tell him that his was the first uncut dick I’d ever sucked but I did honestly tell him that I had a grand time sucking his very nice dick. He was impressed at how I “manhandled” him and took his nine inches so easily, to which I had politely said, “I’ve had much bigger so, yeah, no problems handling you.” Well, no problems other than having a few seconds to get my head out of my ass – and to stop kicking it – because I didn’t do my due diligence and ask if he was cut or not.

I did ask myself if I would have still sucked him if either of us had bothered to bring this up… and I don’t know. During our negotiations – and I think the thing that may have “distracted” both of us – he was very insistent about not wanting to do anything anal. It wasn’t his thing which was kinda fine with me because while I’d been fucked after getting over my “problem” with it, it was one of those “take it or leave it” things and based on how I was feeling – and what I was feeling was a very great need to suck dick.

He did ask if I swallowed – another major “bargaining point” in such negotiations and I said that I do and he said that this was good because he swallowed as well and, at that point, the deal was made, he was on his way… and I’d get the “surprise of my life.” I would be in the shower later and thinking about this and kicking my ass even harder because I eat pussy – and women have foreskin covering their clits. Yeah, I was having a very serious moment with myself and so much that I hadn’t even noticed that the water was getting cold until I shivered and that got my attention. I could recall the number of women who, to my surprise, didn’t know that they had to clean under their hood… and like uncut guys had to. But, um, since the coochie would be smelling some kind of way, she’d go wash and get under the hood purposely or without really thinking about it, and that pussy would get eaten with great gusto but this moment in my life had me thinking about how many pussies I’d eaten that might not have been all that clean under the hood.

I shivered again… and put it out of my mind. You can’t do shit about anything that has already happened and I’ve never suffered any ill effects so I filed it away as inconsequential but, going forward, yep – I’d take a look under girlfriend’s hood to see what’s going on under there as an additional part of my due diligence.

My thoughts went from these things to having been with only two women who did not want to be eaten. One didn’t believe in oral sex at all and the other just said, “I never wanted to be eaten because it’s better to give than receive…” and I’d just left that one alone and we had some pretty wild sex… but I felt like something was missing. I’d had guys tell me that but, yeah, that was the first and only woman I’d ever heard say that. Some women were reluctant to be eaten; many said that it didn’t do anything for them, some said they could never orgasm that way and many more said that guys just weren’t good at it – and that includes the women who told me that they hated guys who just gave them a few token licks and, as such, didn’t give a fuck about her pleasure.

I understood all of this and, personally, I think that any guy who isn’t willing to get his head between her legs and eat her until she’s unconscious is an idiot… but I also recognize that I got to eat a lot of pussy because of guys who weren’t dedicated to eating her until she couldn’t take it any longer. Knowing this made it an imperative for me to get down there and stay down there until one of us quits… and it wasn’t ever going to be me. I have taken quite a bit of pride to have had a woman tell me that, sure, you can eat me but I’m not gonna cum like that so if you want to waste your time, go ahead… and several “screaming fit” orgasms later, she’s looking at me like I tried to kill her…

Which is, I believe, the way she should be looking and feeling and I’ve heard it said that if she’s not looking at you like that, you probably didn’t do it right. I was thinking about this and remembering all of the injuries I’ve gotten eating pussy and including almost drowning quite a few times. I’ve been almost choked out because she’s had my head wrapped up in a triangle choke hold; I’ve had teeth loosened, have almost had my nose broken – and have gotten a lot of bloody noses; I’ve had my face scoured by pubic hair; I been scratched up and, with ladies with long fingernails, stabbed a few times and enough to draw blood. A few times it’s taken me up to an hour or more to get a woman off like this and, not even bragging, I’ve had women literally jump out of the bed after going down on her for only a few minutes.

I’ve had women who never squirted, again, damn near drown me – and this was before squirting was a “thing.” Some of those gals were mortified because they thought that they’d just peed all over the place and I’d tell them that, no, they didn’t pee but they did ejaculate and, yep, even I was surprised to find out that women could actually do that. It’s okay… and are you okay? Can I get back to what I was doing? But for only two women I’ve had sex with, nope. Don’t even think about doing that. I’d not run into a woman who wasn’t into oral sex in some way so the first woman who didn’t believe in it perplexed me but she explained that “her religion” forbade it so she wasn’t ever going to be a part of that.

I had to respect that even though it “didn’t make sense” to me because I knew that all religions are inherently flawed when it comes to having sex but, okay. My need to eat pussy doesn’t trump a woman’s beliefs in this and no matter why they believe that they should never engage in oral sex. The second woman, well, damn. A seriously amazing cocksucker who believe that it is always better to give than to receive. Okay, I understand that even if I don’t agree with it and being with her left me sated but… deprived. I’m just not used to not eating pussy, you know, outside of quickies and even in some of those situations I got to eat that pussy for a nice, if not short, moment.

Having encountered those two women introduced me to my oral fixation or, got me to better understand why I love giving head so damned much. What gave me the “wake-up call” was me remembering something I had actually learned in college and in my abnormal psych class where we did talk about the behaviors associated with oral fixation, like eating, chewing gum, smoking, and other such things and my remembering this just clicked in my head all at once. Why hadn’t I made this connection before I did? Because until I encountered those two women – and at different times in my life – I had never encountered a woman who didn’t want to be eaten as a matter of course and hadn’t run into too many guys who didn’t want their dick sucked. Plenty of men and women who didn’t give head… but they sure as fuck wanted it and these situations did not make me happy at all but even then, I had never associated by displeasure with being orally fixated… until I was with that second woman who was kind enough to tell me that she’d rather suck cock than to be fucked because it did “something” for her.

Indeed, I was aware that as she sucked me, she was having intense orgasms; she’d stop at times and say something like, “Whew, damn – that was a strong one!” and go right back to sucking me until I came… and she did that a lot to me in between me fucking her. That was a marathon session of sex with her that lasted three days that put both of us on the edge of being dangerously dehydrated and exhausted. I remember sitting and thinking about what she said about giving head and, yeah, what I’d learned in that class just clicked in my head and made me say to myself, “Well, that would explain it, huh?”

I always knew that I loved giving head; I knew that it makes me feel incredibly good to do it but, well, I just didn’t know the whole reason why it makes me feel so incredibly good to do it… and so totally incomplete when I can’t or don’t. Orally fixated by it. A great joy to some and a “pain” for others. One woman told me, “You like doing that too much!” and I could kinda understand why she’d say that because she was one who liked to be eaten but given the way I get so… intense about it, getting away from me and, yes, looking at me like I was trying to kill her was what she’d wind up doing. It was to note – and I did mention this to her – that she never refused to let me eat her. She would crack me up because she’d say, “I want you to just eat me, okay?” then, as I’d start eating her, she’d be heading for the hills… and I’d pull a muscle or two trying to keep her from escaping until, well, it was “healthier” for me to just let her escape and come back when she was ready for more.

I sat and thoughts about this and could feel the wry smile on my face. Remembering all those guys I sucked who also tried to escape and give me that look. Or the guys who’d talk shit about being able to take a sucking… but moments after I’d get started on them, they’re yelling at me to slow down or to just stop before I make them cum before they wanted to… and I didn’t always slow down or stop because I am, after all, a very selfish cocksucker… and a very orally fixated person… and sometimes an “evil” one. Oh, you’re not ready to cum yet? That’s a shame because I’d very much like for you to cum right now and unless you do manage to get away or stop me, that’s what you’re going to do for me.

Do you really believe that you’re the one in control here? A lot of guys believe that they are… until I suck them and they find out that they were never in control of the situation. Oh, you wanna cum now? You’re gonna have to wait a little bit – I’m not done having fun sucking your dick and I’m contrary enough that the more you demand me to let you cum, the more I’m not going to be of a mind to let you do it. I can wait. I am very aware that you may not because I’ve overstimulated you and, for me, that’s one of those “sorry, not sorry” things I know about myself in this. A lot of male cocksuckers are of a mind that it’s not a good blowjob if the other guy doesn’t cum and I very much beg to differ with that… because I’m orally fixated and I hadn’t really known that before but I know it now so if homey can’t bust a nut for some reason, I’m not all that unhappy about that. A lot of guys who suck cock and get sucked are of a mind that the act is about the guy being sucked and making sure that he gets all the pleasure… and I just don’t fully agree with this. Yes, it should be good for him because he could have not given me his dick to suck – and I very much appreciate this… but this ain’t 100% about him and like so many believe it should be.

I can guarantee that if I’m not having fun sucking your dick, you’re not going to have any fun as a result and the bad part is that a lot of guys have made sure that I didn’t have fun sucking them. Occupational hazard but, still. My thoughts turned to those guys who are size queens and insist that bigger is always better… but those same guys who talk about how those really big dicks tend to give them… problems. I learned a very long time ago that size doesn’t matter as much as everyone says it does and some guys become former size queens when they have reason to find that out and, often, painfully so. It’s just… easier to suck cocks that aren’t gigantic in length and girth given that not everyone can open their mouth that wide or are able to deal with their gag reflex.

I hear guys – and guys who haven’t sucked cock at all – talk about how they want to suck all of a long, fat cock until they gag and I’m sure they have no idea how dangerous it can be, from winding up literally being choked to death to winding up aspirating some stuff that their lungs aren’t going to find agreeable; even winding up breathing in a little of one’s stomach acid can cause some serious damage to their lungs. It’s why I tell a lot of guys to not do any more than they’re physically able to; if you can’t suck down his whole eight or more inches, don’t try to and no matter how much he wants you to – or is trying to make you do. I’ve gotten my throat bruised from big-dicked guys trying to ram all of it into my mouth; I can deep throat dicks… as long as you let me do it myself, thank you very damned much because that choking and gagging shit isn’t my idea of fun and I don’t find a damned thing funny about making me or anyone throw up behind sucking really big dicks.

If it makes you unhappy that I didn’t deep throat you or otherwise allow you to use my mouth the way you want to, well, you’re just gonna be unhappy because I know my limits and I’m not going to exceed them – or allow you to exceed them – just to make you happy. And you’re probably not going to like me being unhappy.

I’m thinking about this and I’m feeling… unhappy and borderline pissed off. Took me a few seconds to shake it off and sigh to myself because I understand that it’s just another of those occupational hazards that’s just goes with being a cocksucker. I am, most definitely, one of those guys who believes that it’s always better to give than receive because I do very much want to receive… because it feels good to receive and, oh, yeah, as you just found out when I was doing the giving. I know that I grew up with this level of sharing and fairness; I do believe that you shouldn’t ask someone to do something to you that you’re not willing to do yourself. It happens and I do understand and accept that it does; what I believe is one thing but I also know the reality of things.

Back then, if you wanted me to suck your dick, the unwritten rule was that you would also suck mine. And it was a “rule” that we all adhered to even when it came to fucking. You wanna stick it in me? You know that means that when you get done sticking it in me, I will be sticking it in you, too. There were exceptions and exceptions we all had to adjust to, oh, like almost getting caught (usually) or, sometimes, just running out of time. Sometimes, “shit” doesn’t happen. Occupational hazard. I could feel myself frowning because I will not agree to have sex with a guy who doesn’t suck dick. I think and feel that I’ve more than paid my dues to be able to be this way and, really – why should he be the only one to have this kind of fun? I’m not having any of it. I don’t much care how nice of a guy you are and all that; if you don’t suck dick, I have no use for you and I’m not going to give you that pleasure and not be pleased in this way.

I’ve had guys ghost me online because they’ll tell me what they’re gonna do when they get their dick in my mouth and I tell them what I’m going to do when their mouth is on my dick. They are quick to tell me that they don’t do that shit… and I’m even quicker to tell them, “No deal.” They get pissed, too – and I don’t rightly give a fuck about it. I don’t really like women who don’t suck dick, either; I have had more than my “fair share” of women who have demanded I eat them, but they ain’t sucking dick for any reason and, yeah, I’ve “taken one for the team” because I get to eat and fuck them… and I’m not happy about not getting even a token suck or two. I frowned even more to know that I’ve “taken this shit off of women” but I refuse to take it from men… and maybe, on another day, I might be able to tell you why I’m like this and, hey, I might even really know why which I’m not saying I really do or not at this time.

Other than to say that I don’t have to if I don’t want to; I’ve paid my sexual dues many times over in my life to date. I very much understand why and how women and men can be so… funny or iffy about giving head. Whatever. If they have the right to be funny about giving it, I can be funny about it, too – but I’d rather not be funny about it but if you wanna play this “game,” I am a master at playing it, too… and I hate that I am. Mutual satisfaction works better than instant gratification does for me.

And I’m going to leave it right here for Day 11 of 2022.

 
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Posted by on 11 January 2022 in Today's Bisexual Thoughts

 

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Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: Day 10

Just “odds and ends” today. Little snippets of stuff that randomly runs through my head even when I’m sleeping.

Saw a Tweet yesterday asking about why male bisexuals get questioned about being bisexual and someone comment that they didn’t understand why that is. I commented that I knew the answer because I’ve spent a lifetime hearing this stuff and the answer is that we know gay; we know straight; bisexual is – again – seen as being very different and those who question us only see the gay part of us and even after we explain that we’re not gay – we’re also straight – that’s usually when they start hinting that we’re in denial about really being gay.

This made me wonder if the pro-bisexual folks are even paying attention to this. Then again – and given that this lack of understanding keeps going around in circles – I have been around long enough to have seen this happen a few times. Someone did comment back that they hadn’t thought to look at it like this and, again, um, how do you manage not to? In my opinion, it’s not enough to just be aware of the stuff being said against bisexuals – you should know why they’re saying the crap in the first place.

A stray thought/memory about my former gay boyfriend and some of the… interesting things he’d say to me out of the blue. One day, he’d come in from work and said, “Did you know that you cum more in my mouth than in my ass?” I gave him a couple of looks: The “what are you talking about” look and quickly followed by the “how am I supposed to know that” look. That memory triggered the one where we were talking about how our cum tasted to each other and if we had ever tasted our own cum.

I remember him saying that he wished he could give himself a blow job and the look on his face when I told him that I could do it. Not easily but, yeah, I can suck myself off. He was… jealous. For a moment, I got the impression that he was mad at me. He asked how I managed to do it and I told him of all the shit I went through – including having to suffer through pulled muscles that I didn’t know I had – and as he assimilated this information, I was praying that he wouldn’t ask me to show him.

He didn’t, bless his heart. We spent some… silly moments trying to explain to each other how we thought our cum tasted and whether it was thin or thick and other nonsensical things that people in love might talk about. We both agreed that mine tasted just a bit better than his… after we snowballed each other and that was so weird for me to taste my cum from his mouth and funny as fuck watching him tasting his spunk in my mouth and like he was a wine connoisseur. He was studiously serious, too, but I loved him because he could be that serious and just as silly.

One day, he asked me, “When you make me cum, is there a lot of it?” I really had to think about that – and felt a little silly because I was thinking about it. It didn’t matter to me but it mattered to him so… I made him cum so we could both see if it was a little or a lot.

It was a lot but I felt the data were skewed because of how excited he was when I pulled his dick out and jerked him off – but it was fun and he had some kind of answer. I did ask him why he felt that mattered and he just shrugged and said that it was his sworn duty to ensure my happiness with him. I told him that the amount of cum he gave up didn’t matter to me… as long as I could get him to do it. That conversation devolved into us describing what it felt like to have each other’s dick in our mouths and we were cumming – did he pump strongly or weakly and which one of us did the best pumping?

I was in the kitchen making a cup of coffee and thinking about this and I just had to laugh to myself at how we were with each other and how important it was to him to make sure that I was happy with him. We would often sit and talk about the differences between being gay and bi, which would lead to my understanding that other than how we identified sexually, we really weren’t all that different except how we liked to have sex. He did get a chance to taste pussy and I remember the look my wife had on her face when he asked her if he could taste her and because he wanted to understand why I – and other guys like me – liked pussy. I was surprised when she said, “Okay!” but I also had to understand that they had a kind of relationship going on that, until that moment, wasn’t sexual.

After he, um, found out what it was like to eat pussy, oh my – he was hilarious. He got that seriously studious look on his face and my wife and I are just waiting to hear what he’d have to say – and trying not to laugh at him. He finally said, “I understand now – it’s really not that bad, is it?”

Those memories got filed away again and my thoughts just flitted around about being male and bisexual. The many pros and cons involved that, sadly, a lot of bisexuals can’t parse in ways that can make them okay with being bi. So many spend a lot of time worrying about how others see them and then almost always in that negative context that, I firmly believe, serves only to prevent them being able to be comfortable with being bi.

That led to some of the moments where a guy is there with me and we’ve been talking about him finding out what is so damned interesting about sex with guys and watching the conflict between their intelligence and their emotions go at it and making them indecisive as to whether they should go for it or not. I’d ask them what they were really worried about and, in no particular order, it was someone finding out that they had sex with a guy and what people were going to say – or do – if they found out that they had sex with a guy.

That had me sitting and watching the game between the Raiders and Chargers and thinking that being bisexual would be so much better if we could be more open about sex and not allowing the differences in our sexual preferences just fuck everything up. Not for the first time, I sighed to understand that we aren’t as “grown up” about sex as we think we are.

We’re opening up and more than at any other time I can recall but if we could do it without all of the “tribal bullshit,” yeah – things could be better. Wishful thinking.

I went from being… melancholy about bisexuality right to a moment when a guy wanted to eat my ass. I was like, “You wanna do what?” Having fingers and dicks in my ass were just part of the deal but this? I had a hard time with this one but my damned curiosity made me say, “Well, okay – if you want to; it’s a good thing my ass is clean, huh?”

Homey went for it and, man, did that ever feel weird! It felt… nice but I probably wasn’t getting the “full effect” of it because I was paying more attention to him than to what I was feeling… and he’s going at it with some serious gusto… and I realized that he was eating my ass like I’d eat pussy. I wasn’t sure that I really liked it or not; it was just… interesting. Even more interesting was me sitting there watching the game and thinking that, yeah, I’ve eaten ass… but never a guy’s ass. No idea why any more than I pretend to understand why some guys refer to their ass as a pussy. I’m just too literal-minded to get my head around that one but it does say some stuff about those men who have… pussies. If that nomenclature does nothing else, it’s “proof” that other than our physical differences, men and women aren’t all that different when it comes to what we can do in the pursuit of orgasmic bliss. Guys don’t have pussies – and I’m not including any transgenders in this – but if you want eat something other than dick…

Spent some time chatting with my protege about his gay FWB who, by his account, is taking up a lot of my protege’s free time and who is seriously hyped about having sex with my protege. That’s not what I found interesting; what I did find interesting was that my protege wasn’t complaining about it which, for him, was pretty remarkable. With former FWBs, the moment they started even looking like they were going to get clingy, he’d dump them in a hurry and really feeling some way about how the guy was behaving and his insistence that it was better to just be buds who could have sex and not let things get any more serious than that.

I’d tell him, “That’s what you get for being good at what you do – I have no sympathy for you at all.” Early on, I’d pointed out to him that when he was looking for the reasons why an FWB was getting too clingy and demanding, he was overlooking the simpler answer: The power of sex. The understood fact that if you lay the sex on someone really good – and “better” than anyone else has been able to do – they’re just gonna want more of it… a lot more. He said that he knew this but insisted that this wasn’t the reason for their annoying and bothersome behavior and, well, I had to readjust his view of things by telling him to stop looking at this the way he wants things to be and look at it for what it really is and that the power of sex is responsible for the behaviors that were annoying him so much.

My protege is one seriously horny motherfucker. He tells me that “the new” has worn off of having sex with men but it really hasn’t and I had pointed out to him that he was having much more sex with men than with women – and then asked him to think about why he was and that, yes, I expected him to tell me what he discovered. He’s… lazy. Trying to get women into his bed is too much hard work for him to be bothered with and I did make him aware that he was falling into the “same trap” that a lot of guys who are relatively new to this falls into: It’s just so much easier to get a guy into bed than it is to get a woman into bed so while being able to get some pussy is still quite mandatory, for the sake of convenience, yeah – there are just way too many men out there looking to give up the dick/ass and looking for the same.

He tries to make me think that he doesn’t find it all that exciting and pleasing these days but I beg to differ with him and point out that if he didn’t, um, why are you still spending a lot time laying pipe to your FWB? Hmm?

I found myself laughing about this and him but also having the sobering thought that men are seriously funnier about this than the bisexual women I know. I try to get him to see the fullness of the M2M dynamic and that while sex is all up in the middle of this, good sex is still very capable of unlocking that need to have that single source of sexual pleasure and the other things that being in a relationship can bring to the table. I get him to look at himself as other guys might see him and my protege is a really nice and cool dude since, if he wasn’t, he wouldn’t be my protege. He’s amiable and if you’re hanging with him, he will make sure that you’re enjoying hanging out with him and if part of the enjoyment is having sex with him, oh, yeah – he’s gonna bring it because – and as I pointed out to him – he doesn’t know how to do anything less than that. And since he can’t, I’ve asked him, “Can you begin to understand your effect on these guys?”

Sigh. Being male and bisexual isn’t that hard… but we make it hard. It’s just one of those things that I understand but I don’t so much but, then again, there aren’t that many guys I’ve come across who look at being a male bisexual in the way I do, not that I expect them to. To me, this is a no-brainer, but I feel that as long as guys have it in their head that being bi is two different things, well, they’ll just keep making it harder on themselves and not keeping it simple. I thought about the many times when a guy has asked me how I managed to get so much dick and get… perplexed when I’ve told them that I pretty much “go out of my way” to make it easier on myself, which makes more sense than making it difficult to do something I very much want to do.

I really laughed to myself to think that these days, I’m a “better slut” than the slut I was growing up and that’s because I might not have known some shit back then… but I know it now. And, yes: Even if it was possible for me to know then what I know now, I would have been even sluttier than I was because… why not?

I came to the end of these… scattered thoughts by remembering a conversation my boyfriend and I had and him asking me how and why I was so comfortable being bisexual… and me telling him that I just am; it didn’t make one bit of sense for me not to be comfortable. He asked if I ever asked myself if I was gay and I told him that I had – and I didn’t know a bi guy who hadn’t asked themselves this and I thought, at the time, that I kinda hurt his feelings when I said that I wouldn’t want to be gay because I find it to be… limiting and just like being just straight feels to me. I thought that I made him feel better when I said that to be both straight and gay just works for me; it makes me feel complete and in ways I couldn’t really explain but, yeah, because I feel complete, I am very comfortable being bisexual.

That and I had a long time to get comfortable about it and way before we even met. I laughed – then and now – when he once told me that if he had grown up with me, he would be my bitch forever. I had to learn not to be… disturbed whenever he’d tell me how much he loved being my bitch which, in my culture, is not a good word to use to describe someone. I hear guys calling women bitches and I just cringe and when I hear women calling themselves bitches, yeah, more cringing. I get it… I think. But I had told him that I didn’t think of him as being my bitch and I never would – my mind just doesn’t work like that.

And it still doesn’t. This is all I have for Day 10 of 2022. I’m almost sure there will be something for Day 11 but maybe not. I won’t know until I know.

 
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Posted by on 10 January 2022 in Today's Bisexual Thoughts

 

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Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: “Prudish” Bisexuals

I’m about to “go off” on something that I find patently ridiculous and horribly prudish. A forum member wrote about how he got started liking dick when he was young and with one of his young friends. I read what he had written and thought that, yep, the way it went down was pretty typical and in the “time-honored boys being boys” way.

It is, in fact, how a lot of us got our first taste of dick and found ourselves liking it. The thing that plucked my nerve was that one member who, whenever someone shares something like this with us, starts quoting laws and how illegal it was and, yes, based on laws that exist today and where he lives… which is not in the United States if his info is correct. To be honest, this guy just pisses me off with this shit and whenever he starts preaching, I can’t resist the urge to verbally jump in his ass about his habit of applying modern day laws to events that happened a long, long time ago and believing that he’s right when, in fact, he’s not all that right.

I remember him getting on my case when I wrote about the sex my friends and I would have with each other… and he found out that I’m not the one and I shredded his ass for it, too. He’s telling me about the laws where he lives and all that age of consent stuff and I asked him if he knew what the age of consent was where I live and, specifically, what they were back in the early 1960s. He had nothing to say except to repeat that where he lives, it’s illegal and that none of us had any business or right to tell stories of how we were young and horny and exploring sex with our equally young and horny male friends.

I understand the morality. I would dare to say that I knew about it before this annoying member was born and probably before his parents were born. I had even had reason, a long time ago, to research what the laws were back then and I was surprised by them but also noted that those laws didn’t include a specific age requirement to consent to homosexual sex and not like the law does now. Sodomy is on the books as being illegal. So is oral sex even among consenting adults. I very much remember reading the current laws and thinking that if they were enforceable, shit – a whole lot of people would be incarcerated and, yep, I’d probably be right at the front of the line.

Still, there is much we can learn from each other about early experimentation, to put it that way. There are a slew of men out there somewhere who did so and are prone to thinking that they were some kind of fucked up because of it… until they happen to find out that they weren’t the only one who “fooled around” like that with a male friend. Knowing this can take one hell of a huge load off of a guy’s mind and get rid of that “I’m the only one like this” feeling that just exists for some reason I still don’t understand – but I know what that feels like. It’s not good but it’s not really bad – it’s just… weird. It gets even more weird if a guy is feeling this way even though he’s been having sex with his buddy but, yeah, one just doesn’t make the connection that he can’t be the only one when, um, he just got finished doing something with his friend.

Duh, right? I have said – and probably too many times – that adults are… weird about this. They do not want us to find out about this kind of sex and many will go out of their way to make sure that none of us find out about this – or sex – at all. Ah, but we know… because we used to be kids and even if we didn’t dip our toes into this particular pool, we knew those who did. I used to wonder why I’d hear the adults around me losing their fucking minds about this and other than the highly religious aspects involved and I figured out that some of them losing their minds about it was them knowing that there really wasn’t a whole lot they could do to prevent it from happening since, as every parent learns, you just cannot watch your kids 24/7 and, yeah, if they’re not where you can see them, there’s no telling what those little heathens might be up to.

Even back in the day, I had a strong feeling that the adults around us knew what us boys were doing with each other. They’d “lay down the law” about such things and let us know, and in no uncertain terms, what level of hell they’d bring to us if they caught us doing such a thing and the key part, I thought was, “if they caught us.” The kid logic we all shared simply said, “Well, don’t get caught!” but I would come to understand that chances were really good that we weren’t being as sneaky about it as we thought we were. I know of the many times I slept over with a friend and we almost got caught and felt that we were about to get our asses beaten because they thought we were doing something we were told never to do… but that never happened… and I wondered why and more so when, um, you’d have to be blind to not see the way we were either scrambling to look “innocent” or, if we managed to get our act together, we’re both in bed and trying, again, to look innocent and playing dumb about “You boys better not be doing anything you shouldn’t be doing!”

They knew. They had to. Even I discovered that sex has a smell… and it’s a damned strong one and not one that’s easy to get rid of by, say, opening a window. But since we didn’t get caught doing something, all we got was a “warning” to behave ourselves and to take our asses to sleep. It would have been a whole different animal for the adult to bust into the room and, yep, we’re doing it and, as such, the pain will be forthcoming. This was a part of my childhood and it was for a lot of guys and whether they stuck with it after growing up or set it aside and “forgot” about it.

It just was what it’s always been. The forum is a safe place where we can talk about these things – and this particular one – and without someone wanting to kick our ass for it… like this one very annoying member habitually does. I know what he thinking: Because he never experimented, anyone who did is just fucked up and guilty of violating modern sex laws. I know he thinks that a member who talks about having sex with his friend is being a pedophile. I would agree with him if a member was stupid enough to be talking about being and adult and having a thing for young boys; I’d want to kick his ass but, no, there’s been none of that and the site will not allow such a thing to be posted in any way.

And we do police ourselves and I’m seen as one of the “unofficial cops” and I don’t mind one bit. But if a grown man tells me what he used to do with his male friends when he was young, I am not going to jump in his ass about it and I’m definitely not going to be a hypocrite and give him a raft of shit about something I know I was very damned guilty of doing… and probably way more than he did.

Spent some time back in the day immorally having sex with you buddy? Okay – nothing new about that. Did you know it was wrong? Yeah, a lot of us did and, um, we didn’t much care about that; what we did care about was not getting caught or being ratted out for doing it. It was in everyone’s best interest to not let this happen and, to be honest, any guy who got all pissy about it – and usually because he was being left out of the fun for some reason – and he said he was gonna tell, well, hmm, he would be… convinced that keeping his big mouth shut would be the smartest thing he could ever do.

It just… irks the shit out of me to see someone being all morally righteous over something we all know is immoral to begin with. As adults – and I’ll say “for the most part” – we all behave ethically when we’re getting some dick and you had better be a legal adult, too – and be able to prove it. No exceptions. Just ain’t playing that shit at all. Yep, doesn’t it sound “weird” that we are quite immoral about getting some dick but being ethical about it even though, in many states, sex between men is still illegal… if you get caught or someone pitches enough of a bitch about it that one will be visited by the local police with an, ah, invitation to have a conversation with a judge?

It does… but it also makes sense and the key phrase is “being old enough to legally consent to sex” which, in almost everywhere in the US, is 18 and also the age one is considered to be a legal adult. Where that very annoying member lives? I have no idea what their laws say and I don’t much give a fuck since I don’t live there but I have had sex there… with women and only one guy… and all were of legal age.

I just fail to see the logic in trying to apply modern laws to events that took place before those modern laws existed or was changed to the way they now are. I find it to be patently ridiculous to be giving me a bunch of shit about what me and my friends were doing way back in the fucking 1960s and I’m telling you this in the fucking 21st century. And, sometimes, I think this guy gets a kick out of pissing in someone’s corn flakes being all morally righteous. This guy is known to give other members a bunch a shit about suffering from “internalized bi- or homophobia” and like he knows what he’s talking about… and I can never resist stepping off in his ass for handing out misinformation although, admittedly, I have agreed with some things he’s said.

And he knows he pisses me off because I’ve told him that he does and why he does. I know he doesn’t give a fuck about that because he feels that he’s within his right to piss in everyone’s corn flakes and all due to what he believes despite commenting on shit that clearly contradicts his beliefs. I really have a problem with people who have that “I wouldn’t do it so no one should” attitude and, as such, they feel that they have a right to condemn others for, well, being themselves and whenever they did. I often suspect that this guy might not be as bisexual as he may appear to be and his whole purpose for being on the site is to piss in corn flakes while touting his own personal – and somewhat – narrow views where being a male bisexual is concerned.

Oooh! He just irks the shit out of me! I know he shouldn’t but, yeah, he does. He gave the member who shared his experience “da bizness” and the rest of us felt that he wasn’t right for doing it; we know and accept that the path to bisexuality often begins when we’re young whippersnappers – boys are always gonna be boys and no matter what era they’re in… and most definitely without any regard or knowledge of the laws in place at that specific moment in time and where they live/lived in that specific moment of time. Sometimes, we talk about those horny-assed cousins that almost all of us know about… and this guy will start preaching about who is allowed to have sex with whom and, damn, man – give it a fucking rest already! Now, I don’t always rip him a new one but when I do, I do and I have no problem telling him to stop being an asshole about stuff like this and, oh, yeah, reminding him that he doesn’t live in the United States so while the laws in both countries may be similar, well, this is now and it sure as fuck isn’t applicable to way back in the day.

Okay. I know guys who got caught in the act. I know that they got punished and, sometimes, severely so: Parents back then took this a whole lot more seriously and especially in the hood. Yep… I got busted in the act once and I still remember the scathing lecture I got and I won’t ever forget. It happens. I do not recall any of my very horny peers being arrested and sent to reform school for having sex with other boys. Got in big time trouble? Absolutely. No police were involved and, yeah, that I know of – and my memories from back then are still intact, all things being considered. Still, what this guy fails to see and understand is that when you’re like 10 and your friend is 10 and that sexual curiosity joins the party, neither of them are thinking about some laws that they don’t know about – but they do know that if they get caught, there might be hell to pay.

Um, don’t get caught. If suspected, categorically deny any or all allegations and insist that you have no knowledge of such events. Who, me? Having sex with a boy? Are you crazy? Nah, not me! This is how we dealt with the, ah, “legalities.” It is very likely how young boys before us dealt with it… and today? Probably not so much but, sure – it would be in our best interest to not let a whole lot of people know that we not only like pussy, we like dick, too. And if getting some dick is illegal where we are and live, well, as fucked up as it sounds, it’s only illegal if you get caught and arrested.

Sigh. The moral implications are clear. No argument about that. What I know is none of my horny friends and I were concerned about it even though we knew it. Don’t get caught and I won’t tell if you won’t. Did parents know back then? I still think they did but since they didn’t catch us at it, well, okay and more so when I would overhear some parents say that if this shit happened, they’d better grow out of it quick, fast, and in a goddamned hurry and, yep, if they ever caught their boy having sex with another boy, well, going to hell was gonna look like a vacation in paradise.

There’s no point in bitching guys out using today’s laws when, again, they didn’t exist in their current form decades ago and I’m especially talking about guys my age and were finding out about dick back in the 1960s or even earlier. It’s not relevant. This member, however, thinks it is and I’ll be damned why he does nor do I really care, to be truthfull…

But I will shred his ass over it. I can’t seem to help myself and it feels good to rip him a new one over pissing in another guy’s corn flakes and, worse, making the guy feel bad in the here and now when he never did before. We need to know and understand how bi guys become bi guys; I have learned over all this time that a guy knowing that he wasn’t the only one having sex with his male friends is very damned important and he has to know that, yep – boys can be boys in this way. Always have been and they will always continue to be… and the laws, such as they are, aren’t going to be worried about – but getting caught or outed is still something to be very worried about.

And no matter how old we are when we’re being boys. There is no undoing what has already been done and I just fail to see the point or purpose of making guys feel guilty when, at the time things happened, they were having fun finding out about this sex thing with their friend. Maybe I “like” arguing with this guy – it’s a possibility. But when he’s wrong, he’s just wrong and I don’t have a problem letting him know it and telling him to get a fucking grip on reality.

I’m done ranting.

 
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Posted by on 9 January 2022 in Today's Bisexual Thoughts

 

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