On the bi guy forum, I revisited a post entitled, “Does Race Matter?” and, honestly, I wasn’t surprised at how many of the guys commenting says that it does and I admit to being somewhat disappointed about that. You see, being bisexual is about breaking down the wall that others try to keep in place between being heterosexual and homosexual; it’s about liberating one’s self from the usual dogma about sex and dogma that is designed to be divisive up to and including “staying with your own kind.”
The men commenting cited things like a lack of attraction to men of other races and some – predictably – have preferences they’ve set up that excludes more men than they include. It’s not that people don’t have preferences – we all have them and even I do… but where is it written that once you establish a preference you can’t change it? One guy said that he’s never been with a Black man and he’s sure he wouldn’t like it if he did; yep, someone asked him why and he declined to answer but, as it tends to do (and has done for as long as I can remember), if you’ve never done it, how do you know you’re not gonna like it? What makes us behave like this and, importantly, should we behave like this and more so when, as bisexual men, the one thing we have in common is our shared desire to have sex with other men and women?
To be bisexual means stepping outside of long-established comfort zones or, a bit more familiar, getting out of the boxes that society has built for us and has convinced us to stay in no matter what. Is there a point of climbing out of the box of heterosexuality and into the bisexual box… but then seal yourself into yet another box because if you’re a Hispanic man, you wouldn’t want to have sex with an Oriental man? Does it make sense to break out of the heterosexual box… but then impose limits on yourself because of the color of someone’s skin, or the size of their dick, or whether they’re gym rats or couch potatoes?
Apparently, to some people, it does make sense…
If I don’t want to have sex with someone, it’s because there’s something about them that I’m not feeling… but it’s not because of the color of their skin, what kind of physical shape they’re in, the size of their dicks and other things that, while having these things as preferences allow us to get what we want and in the way we want it, they also put limits on one’s ability to experience the diversity to be found in sex and, yes, even as a bisexual. Sure, you could say that if you’ve had one dick, you’ve had them all… and that’s not accurate since, um, dicks come in all kinds of shapes, sizes, and colors, don’t they? You could say that if you’ve had one man, you’ve had them all… except that’s not accurate either since, duh, we are not really the same no matter how much we try to homogenize and generalize each other.
A lot of guys who commented did say that the color of the other guy’s skin didn’t matter one bit and they, like myself, employ the KISS principle – Keep It Simple, Stupid: Is he clean and healthy? Does his dick work in the way we need it to? Do we like him enough to want to have sex with him? Is he willing to do whatever with you? Is he your idea of an asshole/jerk? If the answers are, “Yes, yes, yes, yes, and no,” and, of course, if the time and place are right, then it’s on. Now… if you’re a white guy and there’s a Black guy who meets this criteria… why would you not go for it? If you believe that your preferences take precedence over your desire for sex, maybe you tell the guy thanks but no thanks… but by letting your preferences drive the car, how do you know that you just didn’t pass up a fantastic sexual experience?
Sometimes I think we get confused about preferences and principles or we treat them as one and the same. Take the above-mentioned KISS thingy: If the answers to those questions are all “yes” then, no – principle says that you don’t ever have sex with anyone who is an asshole, cunt, or whatever derogatory word you wanna use for someone who falls into this category. This is a matter of principle… not a matter of preference unless you firmly believe that preference is always a matter of principle. Now, let me say at this point that if this the way you think, you are well within your rights as a human being to think this way… but I’m the guy who’ll ask you why you think this way and simply because I’ve always been curious as to why we do behave in this way about a whole lot of things… and whether or not it really makes sense to, say, not like broccoli just because you don’t like the way it looks… but you’ve never tasted it.
Like, I know I can’t stand liver… because I was made to eat it or be hungry growing up; I didn’t like it then and, today, you couldn’t pay me to eat liver. That’s experience at work… but if an Oriental guy passes my KISS test – and let’s say that I’ve never had sex with such a person – why would I say no to a chance to broaden my sexual horizons? Does it make sense to shy away from a sexual experience when, at this point, I’ve not had an actual experience like this? I’ve often wondered if our ingrained “fear of the other” and fear of the unknown plays into this.
Does race matter? Should it matter? Of course, readers and friends, you’re gonna keep your own council about this. I know that we – humans – have a bad habit of allowing bad experiences influence future actions, like, having sex with a Hispanic person could have been so traumatic in some way that you’d never have sex with another Hispanic person even if they were the last person on earth and/or your life depended on it. And, yes, it’s normal that if we have a bad experience, we’d rather not have another one so if you had a bad sexual experience with a Black man, sure, making sure you don’t have a repeat makes sense… except the reality is that just because you had a bad experience with that guy doesn’t mean that other bad experiences will happen if you go for it again because, um, despite what some folks like to say, we really aren’t all the same, outwardly or inwardly.
I also know that we tend to take the word of others when it comes to this; someone has a bad sexual experience and tells someone else about it… and then that person decides, nope, I’m never gonna do it with a (add some ethnic shit here) because it didn’t work for them… but how do you know it wouldn’t work for you since, um, they had the bad experience… but you didn’t or haven’t? Like, a Black dude once told me that he’d never do it with a white guy and went on a rant about the one time he had a shitty sexual experience with a white guy and then added that no self-respecting Black man would ever have sex with a white person. Of course, he then asked me if I’d have sex with a white person and I said, “Sure, why not? Just because you had a bad experience doesn’t mean I’d have one…” Let’s say that he greatly lowered his opinion of me and more so when he learned that not only would I have sex with a white person, I’d been having lots of sex with all kinds of people, color, race, and/or ethnicity notwithstanding… and because it could be done.
And I’d never say that I’ve not had a bad sexual experience with people – I’ve had my share of them… but I’m not gonna let something like having a bad experience with another Black man stop me from having any future experiences; it would stop me from doing it with that particular guy again and that does make sense.
So to bring this particular rant to an end, I’ll do so by saying this: Bisexuality represents a flexibility in our sexual behavior but when we start slicing and dicing things to the nth degree, being bisexual becomes inflexible. I prefer not to have sex with effeminate gay men not because I don’t like them but because, um, they make me insane trying to be more like a woman than the real thing. Doesn’t mean I wouldn’t sleep with an effeminate gay man if he passes KISS because the real bottom line is that it’s sex and the sex is only going to be as good as the people involved can make it and that isn’t determined by the color of one’s skin as much as it is determined by what’s inside their head and their lust, passion, and desire to have sex. I prefer not to kiss guys because, uh, some are just lousy kissers… doesn’t mean I’d never want to kiss a guy going forward and I’d never say that I wouldn’t because I don’t know what the future might bring. I prefer sucking white dick because, er, um, I like the way white guys taste… but that doesn’t mean I’d say no to a Latino or an Oriental or a Black man if he passes the KISS test. If he doesn’t pass the test, principle says nothing can happen and shouldn’t because one just does not set themselves up to fail or be disappointed when it’s kinda proven – by failing the KISS test in any way – that you’d be making a mistake just for the sake of busting a nut.
Thus endeth the rant…