As I was reading forum entries the other day, I realized – and not for the first time – that I’m jaded. I’m not exactly set in my ways because I’m always game to experience and/or learn new things, but I see a lot of the stuff some bi guys are into and… I’ve either rolled my eyes, looked toward heaven, frowned, and even shrugged in confusion and usually because I didn’t quite understand what I was reading.
Like, sheesh, I don’t pretend to fully understand what it means to be a submissive bottom or why a lot of guys these days are very much into kissing and definitely “missing the boat” on some of the kinky things they fantasize about, let alone some of the questions they ask on the forum that give me a WTF moment and asking my screen, “Who asks questions like that?” even though I can see the inquiring member’s handle.
I realized that as a sexually active bisexual man, I’ve been… spoiled, for the most part. Being able to find guys to have sex with hasn’t really been that bad of a problem although “the usual places” to find dick remains chock full of fakes and flakes and it takes a lot more work to separate the chaff from the wheat but I also realized that I don’t have this problem like a lot of guys do because I got started young and learned my lessons and paid my dues, too. I’m not opposed to the notion of having an FWB but for all of my bisexual life, I’ve had to take what dick was available to have and while I’ve had a few FWB-like connections with guys, they’ve been fleeting and not expected to last long to begin with, well, I never expected them to and the guys I was some flavor of buddy to didn’t disappoint as they eventually found someone else to have fun with and sometimes – usually – vanishing without saying goodbye.
Compared to what I know about some guys dealing with their bisexuality, I’ve had it pretty fucking easy; I’ve made my share of mistakes and have had probably more than my fair share of bad sexual moments with guys but not a whole lot of them and nothing that I couldn’t handle. Still, I’m jaded in the sense that I know what I like and don’t like because if it ain’t broke, don’t fuck with it – and it’s not been broken… yet.
I’m on forums with bottoms and I mentor a top and the input I get from both sources… makes me glad that I’m more versatile and, yeah, if I ever tell you that I didn’t want my dick sucked, check my ID, take my temperature – something – because there’s something very wrong with me. It’s not like I’ve never had sex with bottoms because I have – both bi and gay – but I only recall a small few of them telling me that they didn’t want their dick sucked and… I imposed my will upon them and sucked them off and with the “excuse” that they’re not the only cocksucker in the room and, um, they kinda liked me imposing my will upon them… but I didn’t like doing it all that much but like them, I want what I want, too.
Why should I be the only one to enjoy being sucked off? Sure, I had a moment in time where all I wanted to do was suck dick and I didn’t care if the guy returned the favor or not and, no, I have no explanation for it other than all I wanted to do was suck dick and if I needed to get off, I could always jerk myself off or jump my wife’s bones or just do nothing and bask in the heady feelings of making a guy’s dick hard and then making it soft again and I’ve got his seed in my stomach. If they wanted to return the favor I wasn’t going to tell them no – I just didn’t need it and no matter how much I wondered about this, I never did figure out why and at this point in my life, I don’t really care anymore but I’m very jaded in that if I suck your dick, I won’t be the only one sucking dick or…
Why should you be the only one to have that pleasure? When instant gratification arrived on the scene and, methinks, somewhere around 1990 or so, I had to make some adjustments to be able to understand and interact with those people who wanted what they wanted and in the exact way they wanted it, and they wanted it right the fuck now – and don’t you even think about asking them for something that you want. I didn’t like having to make those adjustments but the rule of The Game have been known to change and if you don’t change, you will be left behind… and I wasn’t trying to get left behind so, yeah, if that’s how you’re playing The Game, I can play it, too… but it sucks playing this version of the game and, yeah, Jaded and Spoiled Me can easily remember a time when it wasn’t like this.
I don’t feel badly about being jaded or for looking at all of this in the way I’ve learned to; it’s just that every now and then, I notice that, yep, real jade has nothing on me and it’s a sign that I need to lighten up and to not get tunnel vision about my bisexuality and the bisexuality of others. A lot of today’s submissive bottoms remind me of the one gay guy who was in the Band of Horny Brothers and to the extent where having sex with him was damned near like having sex with a girl and, um, sometimes better than sex with a girl but he was a very effeminate gay kid and, at first, it was shocking to see bi guys behaving like my childhood friend would – and the many other effeminate kind of guys who may or may not have been gay and, yeah, that includes my very gay boyfriend.
I try to understand these worthy brothers because I might run into one at some point and it’d help to know where they’re coming from. Although to hear some of their requirements, I might get kicked to the curb because I don’t have 10″ of fat dick, I’m not ripped like Mr. Universe, and… I’m not the domineering type. A lot of these submissive bottom guys say that they live to be “used and abused” and, whoa, okay, that’s different since even the gayest dude I knew wasn’t trying to be used and abused and I know that I wouldn’t stand for the shit these brave souls say they want and expect from a top but, then again, I’m not a top and, honestly, I can’t be that single-minded.
I admire and respect my protege, but I couldn’t be his idea of being a top and simply because I’m not that type of person or bisexual and especially after the adjustments I had to make or, yeah, I might get fucked… but I won’t be the only one, not out of any misguided sense of fairness but I’m just as much a guy are you are and I’ve even asked my protege, “What makes you think that I wouldn’t want to fuck you?” Well, it’s a rhetorical question because I already know the answer: He’s a top and he’s totally bought into the role and as it’s been defined, oh, for the last twenty or thirty years and while he will suck dick and will bottom for certain guys, he actually prefers not to do these things if he doesn’t have to and he’s a stone fan of submissive gay bottoms and, yeah, Jaded Me knows that if we ever meet and we have sex, he’s going to get quite the education and one he’s probably not going to like a whole lot.
Jaded. Spoiled. Again, I’m from a time when all of this was a hell of a lot easier and the sex being mutually satisfying actually had real meaning and I think it’s a good thing that I know this about myself because, again, it reminds me to keep this stuff on the shelf because it’s just not a very cool way to be and as a matter of course. I get that the thing that made me jaded was my early entry into having sex both ways, almost always being an OJT candidate as I strove to learn about sex and how to have it with boys and girl and to enjoy the fuck out of all of it. I’d never say that these… modern bisexual men don’t enjoy the fuck out of whatever they’re doing (or dreaming about doing) but they also seem to not only be locked into a role but have managed to do so without getting their first taste of what it’s like to have sex with a guy.
And so many of them wind up getting the shock of their lives when what they imagined is nowhere near the reality that can be experienced and, yeah, even at the hands of an FWB because you can never discount or dismiss how a guy might change once his dick gets hard… and that change might not be what you expected and, if nothing else, I know to be for-real about this but, then again, Spoiled Me learned this one a long time ago.
Someone on the forum posted something about if you had the chance to be the opposite gender (and you know how much I despise that word in connection with bisexuality) for a week, a month, or longer, would you do it? And I’m surprised – and not really – at the number of men who said that sure – they’d spend some time being a woman (and I recognized that most of them are submissive bottoms) and I’m like, nope, not even because I already know that I’d make for a lousy woman and beginning with my mind doesn’t even come close to working like that and, um, oh, hell, no. Besides, when it would come to having sex, I already know what it’s like to be subjected to a man’s lust and what he’ll do and say in order to get me naked and have his way with me and I’m obviously not female and with respect to all the females out there, I wouldn’t want to be.
I recognize that I’ve been at this for so long that being jaded… just and eventually happens. You go from the unimaginable excitement of that first experience with a guy to sometimes being cynical about it somewhere down the road and, yeah, I know that I can be and that’s not a good thing and it doesn’t help those men who are trying to get a grip on their sexuality although, admittedly, I’m damned cynical about porn and its impact on male bisexuality but that’s a rant for some other time.
And now that I’ve gotten this out of my system, I feel so much better and more like myself instead of some hidebound old dude just waiting to tell the kids to stay off my lawn.
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