Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: 31 May 22

The conversation about the influx and glut of bottoms continues unabated on the forum and, sorry, there’s no simple explanation for it other than the one I just now thought of.

Back in the day, there was no internet. Then the WWW came to be along with bulletin boards, IRC/IIRC chat rooms, and then online forums, places where men looking to (a) have sex with men or (b) talk about it or (c) share their experiences. From there, gay “dating” sites emerged and with the advent of mobile apps, there is a tremendous amount of exposure of bisexual men who are able to do a, b, and c and especially being able to talk to other bi men about their deepest sexual desires.

And a lot of these guys are bottoms. Either by choice or even as a “process of elimination” and being “relegated” into the role due to self-esteem and/or physical issues, both real and perceived. Being a bottom pretty much means that whatever a woman would have to do during sex, that’s what a bottom is expected to do, from sucking dick to being fucked and, well, those two things – if not the context implied – are so exciting and exhilarating that I’ve never found it to be unusual that a guy would find that this is the way they best enjoy sex with men and it’s not just exclusive to bisexual men.

Like bisexuality, being a bottom is not just a thing to do – it’s a way to be – and when a guy find that he doesn’t just have women and pussy on the brain and now there’s dicks and male asses in his thoughts, a guy has the choice to go with those thoughts and feelings or leave them alone but when they choose to act, most guys have to find what works best for them and provided they haven’t already made up their mind about which role they’re going to be in.

Bisexuality… opens one’s mind, not only as far as the possibilities for sex are concerned but it also unlocks the doors to one’s deepest and most secret desires and, for a lot of guys, things that they’d never tell anyone and, yes, one of those things can be exulting in being on one’s knees and sucking a man’s cock to completion and/or being stretched and filled with a hard dick and just enjoying the sheer “nastiness” of where the dick is and being filled to overflowing with another man’s cum.

One of today’s comments asked the question of whether it was easier to be a top than a bottom and, hmm, I’ll admit having never considered the question because, to me, they’re both easy… but, um, yeah, that’s my bias speaking up. Once you get used to it, it’s not “that big of a deal” in that sense but, of course, one has to get used to it first. Like, back in the day, if a guy just dry-humped you, it felt wonderfully weird and it would either freak a guy out – because boys shouldn’t do that – or, well, ya just got used to it. Transitioning from what we call frotting today to actually being fucked is, again, one of those things that’ll either freak a guy out and make him tap out or, yeah, it’s the greatest thing since sliced bread.

When you combine this with being “insane” about sucking dicks, well, for a lot of guys, does it get any better than this? The fact that they could be, in today’s parlance, the top isn’t unknown to them but very well could be under the “if it ain’t broke, don’t fuck with it” rule. You know that there’s always a guy who wouldn’t mind letting another dude suck his dick and a guy who wouldn’t think twice about fucking a guy in the ass and, like one member accurately said yesterday, back in the day, there were more tops than bottoms so that made bottoms a much sought-after commodity as well as any guy who didn’t mind being fucked… as long as they could return the favor.

It is just… personally satisfying to be in service to a man in this way. The one gay kid in our Band of Horny Brothers was 100% a bottom and he lived to suck our dicks and to take them in his ass and while a lot of us had no qualms about accommodating him in these things, some of us were just weirded out about (a) him being gay and (2) how amazingly eager he was to, well, service us and those who were so weirded out was worried about our friend’s gayness being contagious.

When I’ve been asked why in the world would I even want to have sex with a guy – sucking them off or being fucked by them – I’ve often given the simplest answer my mind can come up with: It really does feel good and not just physically. It feels good… deep down inside somewhere and in that place where such thoughts and feelings are more ethereal and ephemeral than tangible. I can’t really tell you why, but I know why. Now, I was the guy who’d suck your dick and take your dick in my ass… and turn right around and do the same things to you but at some point in the evolution, a lot of guys settled into their niche; they were either tops or they were bottoms because how they got there mattered but not as much as being able to find what worked the best for them in this most forbidden thing.

You toss in what one can see in porn and, yeah, a guy can watch a dude fucking a woman in the ass and it’s either something he’d never do because, well, you know why or it’s something he’d want to do… or wonder what it’s like to be fucked and something puts stuff together and comes back with this: If you really want to know, there’s only one way to find out. Over my whole life, I’ve had so many guys ask me what it’s like to suck a guy off and to be fucked and I’ve been able to tell them what I can about it but, yeah, if you really want to know…

Indeed, a lot of the guys who came to me for their first time wanted to be fucked and some were like, “Let’s just skip over the sucking dick thing and get right to you sticking your dick in my ass, okay?” – and these were guys who had never had any sex with a guy before. Why was this the first thing they wanted to experience? Either they wanted to know what it was like, or some things came together in their head that said if they were gonna do it with a guy, being fucked is the thing for them to do. What made them think this way? That’s the part I don’t know and can’t even start to really answer but those who could tell me often said that it was the “right” thing for them to do and some even said that they didn’t think that they could fuck a guy.

There is something… deliciously nasty about having a man in your ass… and when you know he has no business being there. Some guys can’t handle that feeling – like how my protege talked to me about how bitchy and girly he felt when he’d get fucked – and some guys, wow, they not only handle it but they handle it and I’ve learned that the human mind is beyond amazing because it’s so… flexible that it can “decide” that, yes – if you’re going to have sex with a guy, your role is to be the girl in this. Sucking dicks and being fucked. You could be the guy in this deal but, eh, that’s not what really works for you all that much and, like I may have mentioned yesterday, being a bottom is a much-needed respite from always being the top when it comes to sex with women.

A guy can watch “gay” porn and see guys getting reamed out (with huge dicks) and something in his head says, “Yeah – you want to be the guy on the bottom!” I’ve had guys who are bottoms tell me this and, well, okay, um, if that’s what you decided… and I’ll be damned if I know or understand how you decided this but, okay.

Back to which thing is easier for a moment. When you’re the guy “doing the fucking,” there’s a lot of pressure to perform on you and, well, sorry ladies, but any guy who’s had sex with women knows about this but, when you’re the guy being fucked, there’s no real pressure to perform other than giving homey’s prick a very good sucking before he slides it in you. Some guys become bottoms because… they can’t be tops; they’re not all that confident that they could please a man and there’s a weird kind of “logic” that may suggest that if you have “problems” pleasing women, those problems will carry over to trying to please a guy when fucking him… so let’s be the guy being fucked and if we’re gonna be that guy, let’s really be that guy and in that all or nothing way.

In this context, it’s easier being a bottom than it is being a top. Some guys just can’t and now I’m talking about that “weird” thing that happens when a guy is good and hard and ready to get in there and the moment he even tries to get his dick between them cheeks, his erection just vanishes and he might even experience some very major shrinkage. Why? Because there’s that thing in one’s head that says, “That hole is one-way and off-limits and you will not do this!” There is a great sense of revulsion that even I learned can make you feel… seriously dirty and filthy and having a need to barf and for a lot of guys, well, there’s a way to avoid this very ugly feeling and still have sex with a guy: Let him be the one to deal with this feeling. It’s not that feeling a dick worming its way in there for the first time doesn’t come with its own issues but some guys just find or even know that it’s easier to be fucked than it is to fuck.

For those of us who are, ah, familiar, yeah – “being the girl” ain’t all that bad, well, until some guy makes it bad but that’s just an occupational hazard. And it’s just a thing that for some of us, this is the role to be in because it’s the one that gives and provides the greatest amount of pleasure, gratification, and satisfaction and, as such, there’s no need or reason to be any other way about it. Indeed, a lot of bottoms today say that it is their purpose in life to be a bottom and to even be submissive to a man. Suck his dick to give him all the pleasure that can afford; entice him to cum in your mouth or to paint your face with it and if he wants to “breed” you, does it get any better than that?

Some bottoms are so much into being bottoms that they refer to their ass as a pussy and that should tell you something about how some guys seriously embrace their feminine side and it’s also something they can’t do when having sex with women although when you’re a bottom, you do learn some shit about having sex with women.

Growing up and into bisexuality as I did, yeah – when it was my time to “be the girl,” man, was that a lot of fun! To have a guy on top of me and feeling his dick moving in and out of me would often feel so good that I’d zone out and relish the “nasty” feelings and waiting for him to cum in me. Feeling his dick twitching and pumping his load into me is a seriously delicious feeling and, yeah, it makes me feel girly and bitchy because I know what that pumping means given how I was very eager to do that very same thing to girls. You… find out what it’s like to be a girl and some guys, well, some guys seriously like it and more than anything else.

You get into sex with men and you’re either a top, a bottom, or it doesn’t matter which role you’re in as long as you’re getting laid since, being versatile, you can top and bottom and as situations call for. It’s just that a lot of guys “start out” being versatile but will eventually learn which role just works the best for them. Back in the day, there were tops galore and too many of them and today, bottoms rule the roost, it seems and as far as they’re concerned, there aren’t any or enough tops out there for them to be of service to.

Bottoming is an act and a mindset. Any guy can bottom if he wants to (or he’s not afraid to) but there have always been guys for which this is the only way it’s supposed to be for them. Either they learn this by doing or they set their mind to this and there’s that internal agreement that, yes – I’m going to be a bottom and in every way that means… and a lot of guys see being a bottom as a very submissive way to be. Once a guy chooses a role – and no matter how that choice came about – he’s not very likely to change things unless he has a damned good reason to and, yeah, we’re of a mind that once you pick one of these “sides,” there’s no going back or changing sides… which gets hilarious to me because I know tops that will bottom because, well, why not?

As I said yesterday, it has to be with the right guy, in the right moment, and in the right situation but, yeah, tops can bottom just like bottoms can top under this same “logic.” Guys like Cityman say that it’s not something they’d do all of the time and therein lies the difference because the guys I say are “total bottoms” do this all of the time and as a matter of course… because this is what works for them. I just laugh because it “fucks” Cityman up to understand that there are times when he wants to bottom and not doing it makes him feel like he missed something and, yeah, he does get miffed when he wants to bottom but, oh, no – he’s with a total bottom who could fuck him but that means deviating from their chosen role and that bullshit that bottoms do not ever top and they’re not supposed to.

Which, in reality, is in direct defiance of what seriously appears to be plain old human nature. Even Cityman speaks to being… baffled at how normal it feels to be fucked and, our favorite word in this, inseminated. It’s… nasty. Gritty. “Being the girl” while still being very much in touch with your masculinity… but this whole thing gets fucked up because humans are good at fucking shit up and making them more complicated than is necessary and especially where sex and sexuality are concerned.

You either don’t like or want any part of “being the girl” or you like the ever-loving shit out of it and to not “be the girl” is… unthinkable. If it ain’t broke… and for many men, it’s not going to break any time soon if at all. Just a thing to occasionally do, you know, when ya feel like it… or it’s the only way you will have sex with a man. Period. Non-negotiable. Like I said yesterday, my very gay boyfriend made me insane being the way he was and I learned some important shit about why he was and seeing in other men that you don’t have to be gay to be a total bottom. I’ve been with a few guys who couldn’t suck my dick… but they didn’t mind having it in them one bit and in lieu of not being able to suck dick (and even when they really wanted to) and… that’s just the way they were.

You find the role that works the best for you and for a lot of very masculine men, it’s being a bottom. Being more than willing to submit and subject themselves to a man’s lust. It, by no means, means that they’re really gay even if it looks like it; it’s just that they don’t have a problem with something that a whole lot of men seriously have a problem with… and they just fucking own it… and why shouldn’t they? It’s never a thing of lacking masculinity but “just a way” that bottoms enjoy sex with other men. It doesn’t mean that if they’re having sex with women, they can’t get the job done because they can – women, eh, they might have different thoughts about this but, again, occupational hazard and you really can’t please everyone and no matter how hard you try to.

But if the way you can please a lot of men is to “be the girl” for them, yeah… that just works. It doesn’t surprise me that a lot of bottoms speak to being submissive as the attractive factor and that they get their pleasure only from giving it – and this school of thought generates some interesting conversations on the forum about whether or not being a bottom “demands” submissiveness. They speak to wanting to be… dominated, for a guy to just take them and in whatever way strikes his fancy and it’s their job as bottoms to encourage the top to – wait for it – “fuck me like the bitch I am!” For some, just sucking a top’s dick isn’t enough; no, the top has to use a bottom’s mouth like he’s going to use the bottom’s ass and, whew, man, is that getting deeply into being a bottom or what?

We have to use… restraint when having sex with women and there’s always been the perception that we don’t have to be that way when having sex with each other… which really isn’t true, but the perception is what it’s always been. It’s being insisted that only “real men” can bottom and there are a lot of tops out there who are of a mind that if you won’t bottom or you’re not one, well, what kind of man are you really? I’d readily agree that it takes some manly guts to lie down and let another guy pound the shit out of your rectum until he cums or pulls out to do that… and most of the bottoms I know – and guys who can bottom – tend to get seriously pissed when they get fucked and the guy doesn’t cum in them or at all (and, yes, I’m one of them).

Some bottoms suck dick only as a prelude to having it in them and if that sounds familiar, well, it should. It just – and again – cracks me up to have been around when women insisted and demanded that we get in touch with our feminine side… and getting “stuck on stupid” when so many of us took this advice literally and with a great deal of personal glee and even more so when the guys who did this weren’t and aren’t gay… but they are/were bisexual. They found the best way to let their inner girl out to play. Get on your knees and suck a guy’s cock until he’s crying out for his mama and Jesus to save him? Can it get better that? Sure, it can… and when that guy lubes everything up and slides that nice hard dick in that most forbidden place and… makes it nice and messy.

Why bother with doing it to a guy when it’s so much better to have a guy to it all to you? Tops are tops… because that’s the role they feel works the best for them and bottoms are like this, too. Lots of very devilish details involved either way and some of them are pretty “silly” like some tops believing that it’s not their job to suck dick or believing that it’s not “manly” for them to do this and, besides – that’s what bottoms are for, right?

Well, yeah, a lot of bottoms not only agree with this but are 100% on board with it. It’s the way it’s always been but the Internet has made it possible for a lot of bottoms to be very visible and now, for them, it’s all about finding the guy who will top them the way they want to be topped… and therein lies the problem for a lot of bottoms and because there are “so many” bottoms, tops are… overwhelmed. Really hard to find that “right” guy to top when there are “way too many bottoms” to have to sort through and then, as I mentioned yesterday, preferences don’t match up all that much. Like those bottoms who prefer huge dicks and that DQ’s all of the tops who aren’t so endowed. Uh-oh.

There are a whole lot of bottoms – and of any age – because, um, there’s always been a whole lot of bottoms and maybe this whole thing has an ebb and flow to it because at any time, there are either too many tops and not enough bottoms or too many bottoms and not enough tops. And being versatile, while nice, um, really dude? Why can’t you be one or the other and like everyone else is?

That’s a major scribble for yet another time but it does shine some light on how men think about being bisexual. Men or women, top or bottom is the usual mindset which is also why I scoff at the notion that people aren’t supposed to be binary when, in this, there’s no escaping it because it’s the way our minds tend to work. Yes or no. Off or on. This side or that side and then picking a side within a side. And it all makes sense – at least to me – that there are men who picks the side of being all bottom, all of the time.

Because it works for them and there are a great many men for which this really works for and today, you can see them easily enough by opening an app and, if you’re a bottom, finding the top that meets or exceeds your preferences as a bottom… and bottoms are saying that tops are scarce and tops are asking, “Where did all these bottoms come from?”

Cityman and I have the most interesting conversations about this one… and so do the guys on the forum.

 

Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: The Roles or Who Does What

Growing up and having sex with da fellas was pretty simple. We’d blow each other – with or without nut juice – and we’d screw each other and even in those early days for us, we kinda/sorta knew that when we had sex with each other, one of us was going to be “the girl” in things, from happily sucking on a dick to feeling a dick in our butt… and then we’d put it in reverse and the other guy takes his turn being “the girl.”

I put it like that because as everyone knew, only girls sucked dick and got screwed. Wow… were we wrong about that one or what?

As a lot of guys got older, there were guys who only wanted to do certain things with another guy; “Stevie” would rather be the one getting his dick sucked and fucking and “Jay-jay” found that he had more fun sucking dick and being fucked… or just sucking dick and if the other guy wasn’t into that – or “Jay-jay” didn’t like being sucked – okay, that worked.

As I recall, I didn’t hear the terms “top” and “bottom” until… 1990-something? I remember discovering IRC chat and finding a chat for bisexual guys and while the conversations were more like cybersex – another term I hadn’t known about until I joined that chatroom – I found myself flummoxed when a guy sent me a message in a private chat and asked, “Are you a top or a bottom?”

I actually felt a little embarrassed because, one, I didn’t know what he was talking about and, two, he had to explain it to me. My feeling of being disconnected deepened because after the guy explained it to me, I took a “quick look” at what I’d done with guys and realized that, hmm, I was actually both which prompted the guy to say, “So you’re versatile, huh? Cool. What made you decide to be versatile?”

Well, um, it wasn’t as much of a decision as it was a thing of that’s just the way we were about it – you suck me, I suck you and you fuck me and I fuck you. No biggie. Everyone goes away happy. I didn’t think his question was invalid but his explanations put into perspective and – dare I say? – labeled the behaviors I’d been seeing for quite some time at that point in that guys were now less versatile than before.

So now I lived in a male bisexual world defined by three things: Top, bottom, and versatile and the roles, it seemed, were rather defined. Tops, being the guy in the dealings, only got their dick sucked – by bottoms and versatiles – and were the ones to do all the fucking. Many did not and would not suck dick or allow themselves to be fucked.

Bottoms, being the girl in the dealings, did all the cock sucking and got fucked while versatiles, well, they confused the whole thing since they could be top and bottom as well as top or bottom, depending on some stuff. Not all guys held themselves strictly to these roles; some tops did suck dick and sometimes – and with the right guy – they’d want to be screwed. Some bottoms would… relent and allow their cocks to be sucked and would, with the right guy – stick it in and do some fucking.

But in this, neither guy in either role was considered to be versatile; those guys just did it all and often as a matter of course although if a versatile guy didn’t want to fuck or be fucked, well, okay – no biggie or not much of one because, at the least, somebody was gonna get their dick sucked and their balls delightfully emptied.

Armed with these “new” roles, I paid a lot of attention to them and, when I could, dug into why a guy chose the role he found himself in as well as trying to suss out how the roles got their names in the first place. Word was the terms originated among gay men and had connections to BDSM and as some interactions were termed, at least at the time I was digging into all of this.

One of the things that really became clear was that once a guy adopted a role, well, that was that. No changes, no exceptions, no recourse and a lot of the sex became non-negotiable. I found it curious that this aspect of the dynamic tended to run right alongside “normal” heterosexual sex but, okay, that’s something we know about and we do tend to do things in the way we know how to do them. But it presented a problem when I – and being more versatile-minded – would run into a guy I found interesting enough to want to sleep with then find out that because of the role he adopted would exclude a lot of stuff… and a lot of deals would be broken before the conversation really took off.

Wait… you mean to tell me that there are guys who love to suck dick… but it’s not in their “job description” to be sucked? What kind of crazy shit is this? And, let’s wait some more because that guy over there is very keen to butt fuck me but when I say that I’m keen to butt fuck him, wow – where did he go? Did I imagine talking to him. Or, even better, he’s going on and on about making me get on my knees and keep blowing him – and swallowing his sperm – until he can’t get it up… but he’s not gonna blow me?

What the fuck is going on? Further investigation and review drew more attention to preference and a strict adherence to them from “don’t like that” to “that’s not the way it’s supposed to be.” One guy actually told me, “In this, you’re the bitch in this deal so you’d better act like one!”

Um, he got his elbow dislocated for that one and, as I recall, lost a tooth in the process. Bitch? I got your bitch right here!

The top/bottom thing was snowballing and so much that it would become the basis of my objection to those who object to the binary nature of sex, you know, like it’s not the way it’s pretty much always been in that someone assumes the male/dominant role and someone assumes the female/submissive role and, no, I didn’t coin these terms – read them in a book about about sex.

What I didn’t see was a large number of versatile guys, those fellas who’d say, “I don’t care who does what as long as we get naked and have sex! Whatever works, okay? Let’s get busy and see what happens!” It got so… pervasive and strict that, later, I’d ask myself a question: What happens when two tops or two bottoms get together? The answer? Probably nothing because the roles, as defined, did not allow for this kind of sameness and, if it help, think about that thing you learned about magnets in school: Opposites attract and sameness pushes each other away.

Well, damn. Now, it wasn’t really unheard of for something to happen between two tops or two bottoms – it just didn’t always happen as a matter of course and if it did, it depended on how… involved these guy could be with each other, you know, depending on how they felt about each other and what made them feel that when they were with each other, the now hard-set roles could be set aside… but don’t tell anyone that we did it like this, okay? We both have reputations to uphold, after all!

The more I studied this, the more… crazy it got. The connection to BDSM got a little tighter in that tops were now a lot more dominant along those lines while bottoms were being more submissive… and the more versatile guys were conspicuous by their absence in the dynamic. But wait – it gets better!

Cityman and I were talking about this one guy who was offering sex and described himself as “top/verse” and Cityman asked, “What does that mean?”

And I said, “I have no idea! First time I’ve heard of it!” Between the two of us, we reasoned that it means that the guy was a top but could be versatile and, minutes later, a “bottom/verse” appeared on Cityman’s radar. Now, being an old-school kinda guy, my thoughts were that you were either versatile… or you weren’t. Additionally – and as I said before – it wouldn’t be all that unusual for a top to decide that with this guy – or, just because he felt like it – he could bottom but what these two new terms made me think was, “Why are we over-complicating this even more than it already is and with terms that are, at best, confusing?”

And I’ll be damned if I know why. You either prefer to always be the boy in this, prefer to always be the girl and either one works for you even if it’s situational since, not too long ago, versatiles were assumed to want to always be both in the same encounter when it was really “top and/or bottom” and depending on the other guy.

There are bottoms… and then there are submissive bottoms. What’s the difference? I couldn’t tell you other than the mindset of the bottom in question and what being submissive means to them.

Cityman and I got into a conversation about guys not being more versatile or, as I had said, “Ask a guy why he’s the only one who gets to have all of the fun.” No one seems to want to take into consideration that regardless of your chosen or preferred role – and whatever you wanna call it – you can change your mind if ya want to. Cityman – and as some guys tend to do – identified as a top when he began his journey and I told him that, you know, one of these days – and believe it or not – you’re gonna want some guy to fuck you. He said it would never happen… and I’m sure you know what really happened.

I explained to him that, no – you don’t have to give up your ass to anyone who asks or believes that’s what you have to do; you pick and choose – and depending on how you go about doing that – who gets to stick it in you and when and who doesn’t. The question of “sexual equality among men” came up and, on paper, it sounds really good: You do this to me and I do the same thing to you. Except, it doesn’t work like that and more so when, again, a guy will choose a role and will not deviate from it for any reason, not so much because they don’t know that they can – they’re just not supposed to.

“Pick a side and stay on it!” is what bisexuals are told to do and bisexuals do, in fact, pick a side and stay on it after deciding that their high level side is somewhere in the middle of things. Cityman accurately said that doing things this way leaves a lot of potential sex on the floor and unrealized and I pointed out to him that we now live in an era where instant gratification is more the norm – I want what I want and the exact way I want it; otherwise, no deal. Guys are adamant about setting their preferences and making them very unchangeable and while I understand why they do this, it never seems to occur to them that if they’re not getting the sex they want from other guys, it’s because they’ve chosen to be stuck in a specific place and hold out for the sex they want to have versus the sex they could be having.

Actually, they do know this… but they’ll tell you, “I don’t have to if I don’t want to!” and to many, it’s inconceivable that they’d ever want to step away from their preferred and chosen role. It’s considered to be in bad taste and quite rude to challenge a guy’s stated role and preferences but, eh, you know me – I’ll do it in a heartbeat because there really is no such thing as too much information.

Casual sex off the table. Equality in having sex, yeah, right, never really existed except in rare situations and in theory. Cityman, like a lot of other guys, gets really annoyed when some dude hits him up and either tells him or demands that Cityman is going to be the one to get fucked and completely overlooking what it says on his profile – he’s a top but one who, with the really right guy, is open to bottoming. I told him that if you wanna make those kinds of guys get ghost, all you have to do is tell them, “Great – but I’m not the only one who’s gonna get fucked.”

Or like the guy he told me about who demanded that Cityman come over right now and worship his cock with his mouth… and Cityman did tell him, “Okay… as long as you’re gonna worship mine!” Dude disappeared like he never existed.

Guys are always asking why this is so frustratingly difficult and the answer is simple: We make it that way and it seems we’re continuing to make it as difficult as we can… and it’s disturbing that few guys see this and especially in themselves. Sometimes, it’s not the other guy who makes it difficult to get dicks hard and making them soft again.

Is it unusual for a guy to go from doing it all to not doing it all? No, not really because you do learn some shit about what you like and don’t like but as many people tend to do, once you decide that you don’t like something, it’s assumed that it will never, ever be liked or if shit got fucked up doing something once, it will always be fucked up and without giving any real thought that sex – any kind of sex – is situational and even conditional and any guy who has ever had sex with a woman should be very much aware of this because we know that what works on one woman may not work on another… and what worked on girlfriend an hour ago might not work an hour later. Or it might or could work a couple of days from now or keep not working for the next month or two.

“Henry” got a “bad” blow job from “Frank” and as far as Henry is concerned, Frank will always give him a bad blow job while not giving a single thought to the conditions and other stuff that could have contributed to that particular blow job being bad in Henry’s mind. In the top, bottom, whatever thing, sure – some guys find that being one or the other didn’t work as expected or the first time a guy tried to fuck them, it just went sideways and, as such, it will always go sideways.

Some guys won’t suck dick because, frankly, they’re too scared to do it or they had that one bad experience that now tells them that sucking dick is bad and it ain’t gonna happen again. I’ve heard bottoms, when asked why they don’t fuck, say that they just don’t like that, don’t feel confident that they’d be good at it and, often, have issues about their dick that makes them think that other guys wouldn’t want such a “sorry cock” in them. So the only thing for them to do and be is to be a bottom and, please, do not even think about sucking their dick because everyone knows that bottoms aren’t supposed to have their dick sucked and tops, well, they never suck dick.

Sound like some crazy shit? That’s because it is some crazy-assed shit and the thing that continues to evade me is that I don’t know why and how this got to be so crazy. What I do know – and for those guys who are bitching and moaning about not being able to find someone to have sex with – is that if you set the bar too high and your preferences that also defines your role are inflexible, guess what you ain’t gonna be doing any time soon?

We had a saying back in the day that, in one context, remains true: You gotta bring ass to get ass. It’s mostly used when Guy A tells Guy B that he’s gonna kick his ass for something and Guy B invokes the saying to let Guy A know that one, he’s gonna have to show up to kick his ass and Guy B won’t be the only one getting their ass kicked.

But in another context, if Guy A wants to fuck Guy B, Guy B can invoke this saying to let Guy A know that he’s not the only one who wants to do some fucking. You wanna suck some dick? Fine… but yours is gonna get sucked, too, because, duh, why not? Isn’t this supposed to be about mutual pleasure and satisfaction? Yeah, theoretically… not so much in practical application and as guys go about it these days.

And for some guys, this role thing can wind up changing their minds about some stuff, like, I’m not of a mind to suck a guy’s dick if he’s not gonna suck mine, not out of any sense of equality but, yeah – I like having my dick sucked. Oh, you wanna fuck me? You can expect to be fucked in return because, yeah, I like fucking, too.

What? That’s not how it works? Well, what the fuck makes you think it doesn’t or can’t work like that? And I’ve yet to hear a guy be able to answer that question or answer it in a way that actually makes sense. The roles, such as they are, are and can be a self-made prison or pretty much a guarantee that you’re not going to be having the sex with other men that you want and crave.

And that’s just the way shit really is. I understand and even respect preferences but I will always be the guy who can find reason to question them and more so when it becomes clear that your preferences and role is preventing you from having sex. Period. What happens when two tops or two bottoms get together? What should happen and at the very least is they’re able to suck each other repeatedly until dry… but that’s not what happens and, again, what usually happens is…

Nothing. This situation is made worse when, sometimes, the guys really do like each other enough to have sex with each other but their identical roles say that, nope, ain’t gonna happen unless one or the other submits to being the girl in things… and that’s never to be done if you’re a top just like being the man in things seems to be anathema to bottoms who prefer to be the girl.

Sheesh. Have I ever mentioned how funny guys are about this? These days it seems to me that guys are so damned funny about this that it makes having sex – and pleasing – a woman look easy by comparison – and we do know how easy that isn’t. Cityman asked me why being open to bottoming or being more versatile is being considered by some guys to not be good enough, which is what got this whole conversation about roles started.

It’s not good enough because, duh, it’s not good enough. Tops expect every man they wanna fuck to submit to being fucked, no questions asked and as such, being open to it just ain’t good enough. Tops kinda don’t expect a guy to want to fuck them because that’s not the way it works and, um, yeah, they’re scared to even think about having a dick in their ass. And a lot of tops just assume, for some reason, that any man they hit on is going to give their ass because that’s the way it goes. It’s what they want and expect and what the other guy may want or expect doesn’t mean jack shit to them.

Wow. Just wow… what a cluster fuck this has become… and people wonder why I often long for the good old days in this?

 

Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: Stuck in Place

So, with the demise of the bi guy forum many of the guys have moved on to another forum and have been getting a feel for the place and as I took a look earlier to see what, if anything was going, I saw a thread that seems to be as circular a discussion as my scribbling about it is: Which do you prefer to be – a top or a bottom?

The author of the post is of a mind that a lot of the members of this site are bottoms but quite a few guys who are tops chimed in with their preference and that there’s this “settling point” doesn’t really surprise me as much as it tends to be overlooked that some guys are both a top and a bottom and as they see fit to be or, really, whatever the situation calls for when getting with another guy.

Bisexuality is seen as a departure from the heteronormative and “homonormative” dynamics; instead of boy/girl, boy/boy, girl/girl, bisexuality encompasses both of these dynamics but cannot seem to “escape” the binary effect of someone being the “guy” and someone being the “girl” when it comes to having sex and that there are guys who are neither top nor bottom… but could be both. It takes a lot for a guy to step out of the heteronormative box without getting his mind totally fucked up in doing so because it’s one hell of an adjustment to make… but guys who make the transition do tend to fall into two categories: Tops and bottoms and with versatile guys being like male unicorns; you know there are guys who go both ways and literally so but you don’t see or hear of them very often.

And there seems to be something to guys jumping into the pool and picking a side… after they’ve decided, on the whole, to not do what straight and gay folks do – they pick a side and stay there to keep this kinda simple. Confusing? I hope so because it is quite curious that guys do this but still not unusual. Once upon a time (and you knew this was gonna show up eventually) and in the environment I grew up in, guys were more versatile than singularly top or bottom; for us, it was an unwritten “rule” to be both, out of what I’d call an odd sense of fairness – you didn’t ask a guy if you could fuck him if you weren’t willing to have that guy turn right around and fuck you and if you weren’t, well, you were an asshole, chump, chicken, etc..

Eventually, a guy would migrate to just being a top or bottom via experience; you learned “the hard way” to either love being fucked or to no longer being a fan of it… but today, guys are coming out of the gate choosing to be a top or a bottom… and rarely versatile and, as I probably mentioned in past scribbles, I’m uncertain how these guys are making such a decision without any actual experience although I’m fairly certain that the porn I mentioned in yesterday’s scribble might have a lot to do with it.

Or guys just nitpick things a bit and tops get comfortable with the thought of a guy sucking his dick and in preparation to get fucked… but the thought of them taking a hard one in the butt is just too scary or, as some have said, too gay for their sensibilities. This new class of bottoms seem to be of a mind that, sure, if they wanted to, they could top a guy… but being topped – being the girl in this deal – is what fits their needs and personality a lot better, that and some guys become bottoms because when they’re engaging with women, they’re always the top or the one driving the sexual bus and, well, to be the one not driving for a change just works for them.

Submissive bottoms are something else and I’m fairly certain that it’s personality driven – I think. Most of the submissive bottoms I’ve ever come across are totally and completely dedicated to being “used” by a guy and in whatever way that pleases the top, from sucking his dick until he cums to taking it in the ass and being ready and willing to go again if time and circumstances allow it. The submissive bottoms I know of aren’t fans of getting their dick sucked… or even touched; some are very much aware that if the top with them were to do something to his cock, he’s gonna cum and that damned refractory period is going to take them right out of the game which makes sense… but some don’t want their cock sucked because, according to them, it does nothing for them, that and being sucked takes away their purpose in being the one to give the pleasure and by giving it, receiving much pleasure in the giving.

You “sit in” on a discussion about tops and bottoms and it gets very interesting and even educational but, again, the guys missing from the table are those dudes who really don’t care if they top or bottom as long as they’re having sex.

But what I think what’s really going on here is an extension of being “forced” to make a choice or to pick a side. First, the only allowed “choice”is to be straight but we know how well that doesn’t work; the other “allowed choice” is to be gay but, eh, that doesn’t always work as well as some gay folks would have you believe so guys pick the “improbable” choice to be both straight and gay… but neither one exclusively. But for many, there’s one more choice to make: Top or bottom? And once they make their choice, they stick with it, not because it’s the thing that works for them but because it’s implied that once you decide to be a top or a bottom, you’re not allowed to change your mind.

And if that doesn’t sound insane to you, I don’t know what does. Yes – how a guy chooses to have sex with other guys is all up to them and it’s not like some guys don’t find reason to change their mind about their chosen role, which probably explains that crazy-sounding “top-verse” and “bottom-verse” thing I’ve been seeing and hearing about here lately because we’re still slicing and dicing things to make this M2M thing more… palatable? Not sure what the right word would be but it’s something that I find utterly fascinating that guys are migrating to a sexual stance that says, “I’m a top for the most part… but I could be versatile with the right guy” and the same goes for those bottom-verse fellows.

And I’m wondering why they don’t just say that they’re versatile to begin with. Now, some guys hear this sexual role and assume that, in one sexual session, they’re fucking and being fucked – flip-flopping with the other guy and while that can happen, it usually doesn’t. “Toby” is a versatile guy and he gets with “Al,” and “Al” wants to be topped so “Toby” says, “Okay!” and tops the daylights out of “Al” and everyone’s happy. Our fictional guy meets “Rick” and “Rick” wants to top “Toby” and “Toby” says, “Bring it!” and all is good in the world.

But most guys go top or bottom… and stay there even though some do tend to wonder what it would be like to bottom if they’re a top and top if they’re a bottom; some guys have actually done this and it’s either “just okay” and not something they’d do as a matter of course or, ew – not gonna do that again. Some guys are conditional about it – versatile with the right guy – which has some “romantic” overtones to it like if the two of them are into each other deeply enough, setting aside top and bottom just kinda makes sense.

What makes this even more interesting and, often, confusing for me is how a lot of people are bitching about the gender binary which I do get… but not how it apply to the act of having sex; to me, that binary is inescapable because someone is cast into the role of being the “boy” and someone is in the role of being the “girl” and it beggars my mind to see that there are a lot of people who think that this part of the dynamic can be so easily erased or set aside and based on the chosen gender of a person. I get that someone might not want to accept the traditional male gender role (or the female one) and behave accordingly… except, um, sex doesn’t give a fuck about gender in that sense and, as we’ve learned, isn’t “equipment dependent” – someone will invariably assume the top – male/dominant – role or the bottom – female/submissive – role and, yeah, those roles are and can be interchangeable but guys tend to be of a mind that once a top/bottom, always a top/bottom.

And versatile guys are the red-headed stepchildren in this dynamic. Again, they exist and always have existed… you just don’t see them coming up in M2M discussions all that often. Indeed, even in this new world of M2M apps, when a guy reaches out the first thing he wants to know is if you’re a top or bottom even though the apps and their profiles allow you to specify this preference. As such, you rarely see two tops hooking up for sex just like you rarely see two bottoms; tell a top that you’re versatile and watch how fast the conversation ends and because the thought of the guy you wanna fuck fucking you, well, it’s just not done. Likewise with bottoms and those bottoms who aren’t of a mind to use their cocks for anything other than a means to empty their bladder; for them to think that they’re gonna get called on to do some topping is anathema to them.

And yet, many of these guys who are stuck in place often wonder why M2M sex is losing its luster for them; it gets boring, predictable, etc., and it doesn’t seem to get into their head that if you wanna put the shine back on it, step out of the box you voluntarily put yourself into.

 

Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: Top or Bottom?

On the heels of having scribbled, “TBT:  Reflections,” I saw this on the bi guy forum and it spurred me to write about it.  Of all the things M2M, this is one of the things that tends to mystify me and it’s in the form of a question:  How does a guy decide to be just a top, just a bottom, or to be both… and then, how does he decide on this without any actual sexual experience with another guy?

The terms of top, bottom, and versatile didn’t exist when I began my trip down this sexuality road and with the very horny guys I grew up with, you just did it all; you topped, you bottomed, you switched, you sucked dick and all in one “session” because nothing else made sense and to not be engaged in every aspect was deemed to be unfair.

So when one guy looked at another and asked the magic question:  “Hey – do you wanna do it?” it was implied that everything two guys could do to and with each other was gonna be done.  Eventually, guys began to settle into that which they liked the most but the main point here is that this… settling in didn’t happen unless one had engaged in all three of the modern roles of top, bottom, or versatile.

We learned by doing or, if you will, getting done.  Today, there are a lot of guys who somehow are able to decide which role they’d prefer to adopt and without any real experience whatsoever.  The bi guy forum seems to be “top heavy” with bottoms and wannabe bottoms; a lot of the experienced bottoms grudgingly admit to liking to top every now and then but express the preference of being on the receiving end of things.

Indeed, a lot of the forum’s bottoms got their “start” being bottoms and I’d suppose that it just made sense for them to remain bottoms because, um, they really liked bottoming more than anything else, that and some guys adopt the bottom role because when they’re having sex with women, they are always topping and as strange as it might sound, eh, that gets rather pedantic after a while and more so when a guy wants to experience being the one getting dicked and creamed.

And, perhaps, this is the same reasoning used by those guys who haven’t had a M2M experience yet and the one they want to experience is being a bottom?  I’m not sure and because there are aspects to this that evade every attempt to put it into words that make sense, it’s often not easy for a guy to explain how and why he’s made a choice about something he’s yet to actually do.

Over the decades, I’ve seen M2M stuff make what is to me an odd progression, that being, guys settling into a role and one that is “clearly” defined, i.e, tops do this, don’t do that and bottoms follow an identical “guideline.”  Tops may or may not suck cock (many don’t); their job is to offer up their cock to be sucked and as a prelude to getting it into the bottom’s bottom and busting that nut.  Bottoms seem to be relegated to sucking cock then offering their butts to be reamed and creamed…

And there’s no deviation allowed or expected; if you’ve declared yourself as a bottom, the thought that you could be called upon to top someone is… unthinkable and even undesirable; likewise, if you’re a top, having someone ask you to bottom for them is deemed to be undoable.  I recall having this discussion with Cityman way back when we first started talking to each other and his asserting that he was all top and that bottoming just wasn’t gonna happen.  Nothing unusual about this because I’d seen guys “automatically” assume this role and if for no other reason than for them, it was all about fucking and with zero thought to being fucked.

Which made me ask him, “What are you gonna do when you find yourself wanting to be topped?”  And then tell him – and with a certainty he wouldn’t have been familiar with at that time, “There will come a time when despite being a top, you will want to be topped.”

Needless to say, he didn’t believe me – but I knew he wouldn’t because it seems that even between bisexual men, once you adopt a role, it’s never supposed to change and there’s no reason for it to change.  This mindset speaks to a certain kind of “black or white” thinking and perhaps even a large amount of hubris to think and/or believe that finding themselves in the opposite role that they’ve adopted just can’t happen.

But I still don’t know or fully understand how a guy who has never had a sexual experience with another man can make such at hard-set decision.  I know that there are actually guys who think/believe that if they’re the ones doing the fucking, what they’re doing to the other guy isn’t gay and the same applies to sucking dick… and, at least to me, that’s so far from the truth that it’s really kinda funny to find a guy who believes this.  I get that a guy who tops wants to continue being a man and masculine so being the one laying the pipe is simply an extension to the sex he has with women; then you add in the known fact that taking a finger in the ass – let alone a hard dick – um, well, that shit hurts so it does make sense that there are guys who would rather avoid that.

A lot of bottoms talk about being/feeling submissive… or wanting to be made to feel this way and for the longest time, I’ve suspected that these guys are “automatically” adopting the female/submissive role in sex and all that’s been implied by this role and determined by how women are placed into this role and almost by default, as it were.  I know – and even if they’ve yet to learn – that while this sound rather attractive, to actually be subjected to a man’s lust isn’t always what it’s thought to be.  Comparatively speaking, sucking cock and sucking a guy off is easy… taking the preferred “big cock” in their butt – and then having it hammered “unmercifully” is a very different kettle of fish.  It’s not that the guy who lacks experience being topped doesn’t understand this because, for real and on the forum, there are again a lot of bottoms who are more than happy to share their experiences, both good and bad and I’d never say that having access to the experiences of others doesn’t go a long way to allowing an inexperienced guy to decide which role he’d prefer to be in.

I just don’t think that they’ve really given any thought to how the dynamic can really work… and it’s not always the way you’d prefer it to.  Cityman tells me about the push back he gets when he does, indeed, wants to be topped… and the guys he’s surrounded himself with just flat out refuse to top him; they’re bottoms, first, foremost, and always and he asks me why they won’t use their dicks and like they’re supposed to be used.

And the only answer I can give him is that either they believe – or have been made to believe – that they’re “lousy” at topping or otherwise believe that they can’t top… and even they’re not supposed to change horses in mid-stream.  In similar discussions with Cityman, I’ve asked him, “What happens when two tops or two bottoms find each other interesting enough to hook up?”

If you buy into the whole M2M top/bottom thing, logically, nothing can happen because these guys have locked themselves into a singular role while dismissing the fact that something could happen if two tops found each other “irresistible” or two bottoms did; the thought here – and it probably sounds a bit insane – that when it comes to sex, someone always has to be “the guy,” and someone always has to be “the girl” – and, as always, I don’t mean any disrespect to any woman reading this – it’s just the dynamic everyone knows about, like it or not.

If a guy settles into a particular role because he’s tried them all, well, I can understand that because nothing teaches you better about what you like and don’t like than actual experience… but I remain a bit flummoxed to make sense of how a guy “understands” this without one lick of experience and even basing their decision on what other men have spoken to or, gasp, what they’ve seen watching gay porn.

And maybe, just maybe, things M2M have progressed in a way where a guy doesn’t really need any actual experience?  See, I know that there are guys who have, indeed, wondered what a woman feels when she’s getting boned and, by extension, what it would feel like to be boned himself… and somewhere in his thoughts, he just decides that should he have that first M2M experience, it will be as a bottom – and I’m just not able to confirm that this is really the “legit” mechanism outside of some inexperienced guys saying, “I think I’d like this more than topping.”

What I’ve come to understand is how rigid these roles are and how some “dedicated” bottoms, when asked, will tell you in no uncertain terms that they know for a fact that they wouldn’t want to top a guy and they sure as hell wouldn’t like it… and when they’ve never topped a guy or has been asked to.  Tops aren’t all that different in this school of thought; they know, without any doubt whatsoever, that they wouldn’t like being topped and they’d never want to be topped and no power in this whole world could convince them to be topped…

Which also explains how totally surprised a dedicated top or bottom can be when they find themselves in the opposite role… and find it to their liking despite their thoughts otherwise.  That’s about the time when the waffling begins:  It’s not something they’d do all of the time but, sure, with the right guy, they’d engage in topping or bottoming.

And I just wonder what the hell is really going on in their minds about their adopted roles and why they’re of a mind that one role is “better” than the other and that it’s not possible to literally go both ways and within a sexuality whose hallmark is having the ability and desire to go both ways.

End of the day, this is one of those things that, in a way, I do kinda understand… and don’t.  If a guy has gone both ways with another guy and has decided on which role best suits his needs, okay, that makes a lot of sense to me… but to decide on a role with zero experience makes me wonder how a guy can be so sure that his chosen role is gonna be the one that’ll best suit his needs and, by extension, why a guy would and can decide that once he picks his role, it can’t be changed or, at the least, interchanged with the other roles.

Life is full of examples of people making decisions that are not based on experience, like eating sushi, for example.  People think it’s just raw fish and, ew – not gonna like that, let alone eat it!  But sushi isn’t just raw fish and a lot of it isn’t even fish – it’s veggies and even if it is seafood, it’s seafood that has to be cooked before it can be served.  Ah, but some “sushi haters” get convinced to try a California roll and, what do you know?  That ain’t bad at all!  And, yeah, some take that leap of faith and give, say, a piece of sushi topped with tuna… and find it to be quite delicious when it’s not cooked.  And, oh, yeah, if you’re a sushi hater, I gotta mention that sushi isn’t about the fish or whatever – it’s about the rice.

Anyway, I wanted to get this off of my mind even as I continue to work on this “mystery” in the background.  I am very much aware that how guys today go about things M2M is very different from the way guys went about it in decades gone by; we learned what we liked/disliked by doing – the mechanism guys today use to determine their likes/dislikes is unknown or, at the least, uncorroborated and undocumented other than guys saying, “I know this is what I want to do with another guy…”

And maybe that’s all that’s needed here in the 21st century.

 

Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: The Path

In often hushed conversations, we talk about what two men do when they decide to get naked and have sex with each other.  In somewhat louder conversations, we talk about the issues, including mental and physical health.  In a cacophony of voices, we debate whether or not bisexual men really do exist; they question the motives of bisexual women who, allegedly dangle the word bisexual before men and in the form of bait or simply a bald-faced lie as well as whether or not bisexuality is a true sexual orientation or it’s just a way point on the road to full homosexuality.  Researchers do their best to study, to identify, to qualify and quantify; science brings the scientific principles to bear and apply the tools of their respective trades to look for the source of this behavior and even to the genetic level within the double helix known as our DNA.  Some say it’s biological and speak to the potential that exists within all of us while some say it’s social and that life’s pressures – as well as a disregard for morality and its norms – is the culprit for this sinful behavior.

The things we don’t talk a lot about are why someone decides that bisexuality works for them and how someone winds up on the path.  One of the reasons, I think, is that while many can find themselves walking this path, the devil is in the details and if you asked one hundred bisexual men about the how and why of their choice, you’ll get one hundred answers that, at first, doesn’t seem to have any… uniformity or, trying to find better words here, it seems as if everyone’s reason is unique and lacks a type of consistency so that we can use a blanketing approach and say that all men are bisexual because of this or that element or method.  We can point to things like youthful experimentation; we can point to events like the scandal the Catholic Church is still trying to sweep under the rug (and, apparently, not for the first time).  I’ve heard it said that the recent accomplishments made on the political front where the growing alphabet soup of the LGBT community has had an effect in lessening the angst toward homosexuality and this is allowing these alleged bisexuals to jump on the bandwagon and in greater numbers and this is despite some in-house fighting and discussions about the validity of the “B” in LGBT.

Cityman, in his opening statement for one of our many conversations asked, “So, what is that enables men to go from cock aversion to cock positive and carefree?”  In many ways, the question is somewhat rhetorical because, as one such guy, he’s made this transition and he knows, obviously, exactly how he got to where he is now on the path – that and we’ve had this particular conversations hundreds of times, not because of a lack of understanding on anyone’s part but because it’s such an interesting thing to talk about and more so when, these days, there seems to be a lot of men stepping onto the path but, curiously, aren’t really sure why this path has gone from something they don’t think about to becoming a nearly all-consuming and somewhat obsessive need.  Adding a bit more intrigue to this question are indications of men deciding to walk this path – but many without, ahem, prior experience – and displaying a sense of certainty of what it is they wish to experience at this point.

Just how does a guy go from, “Ew – that’s some nasty shit!” to “Man, I had no idea what I was missing all this time!”?  Again, the devil is in the details and one of the things researchers have a problem with is finding enough men (in particular) who are willing to sit down with them and tell their stories so that they can find a focal point or some other commonality that they can point to and say, with a high degree of certainty, “Aha! This is why bisexual men are bisexual men!”  Certainly, youthful curiosity, which often leads to experimentation, can be pointed to although I’m not sure it’s understood just how the idea or though to do this appears in the first place.  We grudgingly accept that it happens, that it’s not really all that unusual for young boys to develop an interest in sex and experimentation is off and running and that particular trigger could very well be linked to the moment our testicles descend into their proper place and we’re now on our way to puberty.  It must be mentioned that not all boys experiment with other boys; some do limit their early experimentation to girls or they don’t experiment at all because, well, that can kinda get you into trouble – I’m sure you’ve all heard the warnings and admonishment about this sex thing, right?

Sometimes, it begins with a question:  What is it like to suck someone’s dick or to get screwed?  I don’t know of too many guys who haven’t asked a gal this question and if she answers, the best she can offer is, “I dunno… it feels good…” or whatever their opinion of this sex thing is.  Sometimes the question/answer lingers in the back of their minds, sometimes it’s asked, answered, and forgotten since, “It feels good” isn’t a very detailed answer and some have equated this to trying to describe color to someone who can’t see; it can be done but it ain’t easy.  We can, in part, point to instances where men and their interactions with women, um, don’t quite go well; I’ve seen and heard many times how some guy who has some issue with women go through the gamut of negative emotions and because of this, wind up on the path; some guys ask another question, like, “Is this all there is to it?” and they know it isn’t because, as I’ve written more times than I care to think about, there aren’t too many people who don’t know that there are men who have sex with other men and if they don’t know this, it’s because they haven’t found out yet.

Some guys wind up on the path and can legitimately blame it on the alcohol, which is well-known for lowering inhibitions; in some men, other life issues can open the door for a guy to wind up on the path, i.e., depression, frustration, grief and, to some extent, anger.  Under these conditions, it’s not like a guy experiences these things and says that he’s gonna go suck a dick as a “cure” for these things… but for a lot of men, everything just lines up in the right way and at the right time and something like the bro-job happens.  Some guys are just curious – period.  They become aware of the conversations about homosexuality and, at times, just wonders what the big deal is other than what’s obviously being said about it.  There must be something to it because if there wasn’t, there wouldn’t be so many men doing it to each other, right?  Doesn’t mean they’re suddenly gonna run out and find the answer to this… but it also doesn’t mean that some guys won’t think that doing some further investigation is, indeed, warranted.

This is one of those things where thinking and doing aren’t the same things; a guy can have some thoughts about this – good, bad, or indifferent – but that’s usually not enough impetus to nudge a guy onto the path.  There are some events that will just shove a guy onto the path but it also seems that there are things going on in the background – in one’s subconscious – that are hard at work and building in strength… and things that our conscious mind isn’t even aware of.  As I’ve said, there was a time when I’d say that a man just does not wake up one morning and decide that having sex with another guy is a good thing to do… and I’ve since recanted this because, apparently, it’s quite possible that this is what can happen and is evidenced by a huge number of men asking, “Why do I have this urge to suck cock?” – but it’s something that happens over time and all that’s needed is something to trigger a guy from though to action.  We wonder just how a guy just seems to know that doing this simply makes sense and as if there’s some logical progression at work and if a guy speaks about this and is asked why, all of a sudden, he wants to do something like this, the answer usually boils down to them just having a feeling… but they have no idea where this feeling came from.  In my opinion, I think we can point the finger at the subconscious, that sneaky bastard but I’ll be damned if it can be definitely proven.

Nothing else seems to make sense, though.

Even though turning thought into action is pretty damned scary – and I’m probably understating this a bit – should a guy get triggered to act or Mr. Murphy shows up in the right place and time and gives a guy a good shove in that direction, a guy will have an experience and he’ll either like it, won’t like it, or even be unsure about whether he liked it or not.  Some guys try it and, yuck; some guys try it and have an epiphany – God only knows how many men I’ve personally heard say that it wasn’t as bad as they though it was and asking why they waited so long before doing this.  Then it’s all about narrowing down that which they like doing – and before I forget, I must mention that some guys try it, find it not to their liking, vow to never do it again… and do it again and I think that their subconscious waves its mysterious fingers and points out to the guy that, hey, you know, just because you didn’t like it that first time doesn’t mean that, if you give it another guy, you still won’t like it.  Indeed, some guys have a less than stellar first experience… but the second one?  Wow… just wow.

The problem comes up when we get conflicted:  We’re thinking and/or doing something that, historically, is seen as being as wrong as anything can be… but if this is true, why does doing it make so much sense and, importantly, why does it feel right?  I remember asking Cityman, during a conversation some time ago and along this same topic of discussion, if he had noticed that when he sucked dick for the first time, he just knew how to do it.  He thought about it for a moment and allowed that, yeah, it did seem like he knew exactly what to do and even allowed that he knew this because, duh, it’s not like he’s never seen a woman blowing him before and, double duh, there’s a guy in the middle of sucking his dick so figuring out what to do is kinda like a no-brainer.  Or is it?  Sure, this explanation makes a lot of sense but how does a guy who has never had oral sex figure this out?  Ah, you might be thinking that porn is the easy answer and you’d be right in that “if you can see it, you can do it” kind of way… but that doesn’t explain how a guy who hasn’t watched porn (and for whatever reason he hasn’t) also just knows how to do something he’s never seen or experienced before the moment he gives in to the urge to do it.

And if all of this is giving you a mild headache, you can probably imagine what it does to those people whose job it is to figure this all out and make sense of it.  Homosexuals have long insisted that they were born this way and that choice had nothing to do with it… and they’re partially right, I think.  We are all born with the potential to do this and thanks to evolutionary process, like the famous flatworm experiment where a flatworm was taught a trick and once it had it down pat, it was dissected and fed to other flatworms who could now perform the same trick taught to the late-lamented original flatworm.  We’re more complex than flatworms, of course, but there’s the fact that way back in time, two guys somehow got together and had sex with each other and it just kept going until it became a part of our makeup – those first men learned the “trick” and the rest of us have learned it as well but that’s where choice comes in because, sorry gay folks, you do choose to act on your feelings or not but it’s such a “natural” thing that choice doesn’t seem to play a part – it just makes sense.

When we look at sexuality, it’s not always about what we do:  It’s all in why we do what we do.  What drives us, what conditions exist or are happened upon that are powerful enough to break our social conditioning and set us on the path of doing something that’s morally reprehensible and, to many, just down right nasty?  The path has always been there and many have walked upon it prior to bisexuality becoming a hot-button topic.  We talk about what – all that cock sucking and ass fucking – but, clearly, we need to look to the why and how of this.  How does a guy who says that there’s no way in hell that he’d let some dude suck his dick one day find himself getting sucked off by a guy… and loving every moment of the experience?  How does a guy who’d say that he’d fight to the death to keep himself from getting fucked in the ass “suddenly” have a change of heart and mind and determine that having this experience is just what the doctor ordered?  How does anyone go from, “I’d never do some shit like that!” to “I can’t get enough of doing this shit!”?

In the here and now, we have more questions than answers but in order to understand the path, we must keep asking the questions and looking for the answers although, at a high level, it’s probably just easier to say that people are bisexual because they can and want to be… but you should know how we are – it’s just not enough to accept such a simple answer because there’s got to be some other reason that explains this…

 

Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: Top, Bottom, or Versatile?

This seems to be a recurring topic on the bi guy forum and a forum where, thanks to a recent poll, bottoms outnumber both tops and versatile guys – and this includes the guys who haven’t done the nasty with another guy yet.  It’s always interesting to see how folks who are adverse to labels want to hang their respective hats on these particular labels, like the one guy who said that we – bisexuals – shouldn’t get hung up over the labels of straight, bi, gay, whatever – but he’s a dyed-in-the-wool bottom.

Again, if you think women are funny…

These roles come with expectations; tops are the male-dominant sexual role, bottoms the female-submissive role, and versatile embodies being able to assume either of the previous roles.  The issue isn’t that these roles exist but how we – humans – seem to think that these roles are fixed or, a bit more plainly, a top couldn’t (or isn’t supposed to) change his mind and decide that he wants to be a bottom or the opposite of this – and versatile guys are always expected to switch roles in a single sexual encounter… and I honestly don’t know why we behave like this.  Sure, one can argue that this is all about preference but even in this, don’t we act as if once a preference is set, we aren’t to deviate from it?  Methinks some of this is because humans are creatures of habit and once we learn how to do something, we will usually do it the same way every time (or as close to that as possible) and even if we learn of a different way to do a thing, we might try that different way but usually default back to the way we’ve always done it.

There’s a great exercise/example that involves crossing your arms.  In such an exercise, the instructor had us cross our arms as we normally would, like, left over right – then cross our arms the opposite way – right over left.  Some people made the change smoothly… but many others had a moment actually doing it and then they said that it felt weird.  Give it a try – I’ll wait.

How’d that go for you?  No big deal… or did it feel weird?  Did you automatically switch it up or did you have to think about it for a moment?

We often operate under the notion that if it ain’t broke, don’t fuck with it which kinda reflects our seemingly natural aversion to change and even in this, some folks can change without much effort while others struggle with change and go out of their way to resist change even though that change might be necessary.  So in the M2M world, once a top, always a top and along with this, tops do/don’t do certain things – let’s call this expected behavior for lack of a better phrase – so a top is required and expected to always be in the dominant role and never even think about assuming the submissive – bottom – role… even if a top has an urge to find out what it’s like to be a bottom.

I recall having this discussion with my protegé who, like a lot of top guys I know of, said that he’s a top and there’s no reason for him to be anything other than a layer of pipe.  I laughed and asked him, “So, um, what would you do if you got the urge to be topped?  Or if you ran into a guy you resonated with and he wanted bury his bone in your butt?”  He said that would never happen (and adamantly so) but I persisted and asked, “Okay, so, what you’re saying is that you’d never have a reason to change your mind?”  He said he didn’t think so and, uh, without giving away any details, er, um, he did find reason to change his mind.

I just think it’s pretty funny to see guys writing about their position on this and how very certain they are that they have no reason or desire to deviate from their position/role of choice.  Sure, some tops have chimed in on the topic and have allowed that they’ve given some thought about bottoming… but, nah, that’s not likely to happen.  Likewise, a few of the bottoms have expressed an interest in topping a guy and have turned right around and dismissed the idea with some saying that they didn’t think they could top a guy… but, as a matter of course, they do screw women.  If I recall, someone did ask a bottom why he wouldn’t want to top a guy and that bottom replied, “Because I’m not supposed to – that’s not the way it works.”

Really?  There’s no point in wondering where this kind of thinking came from because the notion is probably much older than I am and has become like a standard behavior and one in which deviation either isn’t allowed or not expected to take place; you pick a role and you stay in it no matter what and, perhaps, this is an outgrowth of our resistance to change or just being creatures of habit.  I recall a conversation I had with a guy on the hookup site about this and one of the first things he asked me was if I was a top or a bottom and I replied, honestly, “That depends on how I’m feeling.”

He asked, “Oh, okay, does that mean you’re vers (versatile)?”

I replied, “No, that means exactly what I said.”

He didn’t seem to think that made any sense and even said that I had to be one of these things and I asked him, “Where’s it written or who says that I have to be?”

He retorted that this is the way it’s always been and I asked, “So, what, I’m not allowed to change my mind about what I wanna do and/or how I wanna do it?”

He vanished from the conversation so I guess that as far as he was concerned, changing my mind wasn’t part of the deal or something.

Then there are the guys who seem to think that this also applies to having sex with women and one guy said he enjoys bottoming for women in a BDSM way and, I guess, submitting to whatever she wants to do to him but I wonder if the guys who make this distinction understand that if she’s riding his cock, she’s in what’s known as the female-dominant role so even though he’s all up in her coochie, um, he’s really in the male-submission role and simply because of who’s on top?  Maybe it’s just me (and it probably is) but I don’t see where being submissive in a BDSM way really equates to the top/bottom/versatile modes of M2M sex – then again, you can take what I know about BDSM and it might fill a tablespoon at best.  It at least begs the question of whether any of this is mindset or a matter of who’s doing what to whom and even how it’s being done.

Sound confusing?  That’s probably because it is but that kinda brings me back around to the purpose of labels:  We have to be able to define our environment and even our actions; otherwise, how do we know what the hell we’re doing when we’re doing it?  But when it comes to this thing in particular, why do we just assume that once we pick a role there’s no reason to ever change our minds?  True enough:  Some guys try topping and bottoming and then decide which thing gives them the most sexual pleasure and, yes, some find that switching between topping and bottoming suits their purposes… but the question remains valid:  Who says you can’t change your mind about this and is it really that “impossible” for a top to decide that when he gets with this guy, he wants to be screwed or a bottom to decide that this time around, he wants to be the one laying the pipe?  Is it “illegal” for a versatile guy to decide that, for this encounter, he doesn’t want to do the top/bottom interchange and just top or bottom?

That seems to be the case at a high level of thought:  Pick a role and stay in it even if it crosses your mind to do something different.