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Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: The Path

In often hushed conversations, we talk about what two men do when they decide to get naked and have sex with each other.  In somewhat louder conversations, we talk about the issues, including mental and physical health.  In a cacophony of voices, we debate whether or not bisexual men really do exist; they question the motives of bisexual women who, allegedly dangle the word bisexual before men and in the form of bait or simply a bald-faced lie as well as whether or not bisexuality is a true sexual orientation or it’s just a way point on the road to full homosexuality.  Researchers do their best to study, to identify, to qualify and quantify; science brings the scientific principles to bear and apply the tools of their respective trades to look for the source of this behavior and even to the genetic level within the double helix known as our DNA.  Some say it’s biological and speak to the potential that exists within all of us while some say it’s social and that life’s pressures – as well as a disregard for morality and its norms – is the culprit for this sinful behavior.

The things we don’t talk a lot about are why someone decides that bisexuality works for them and how someone winds up on the path.  One of the reasons, I think, is that while many can find themselves walking this path, the devil is in the details and if you asked one hundred bisexual men about the how and why of their choice, you’ll get one hundred answers that, at first, doesn’t seem to have any… uniformity or, trying to find better words here, it seems as if everyone’s reason is unique and lacks a type of consistency so that we can use a blanketing approach and say that all men are bisexual because of this or that element or method.  We can point to things like youthful experimentation; we can point to events like the scandal the Catholic Church is still trying to sweep under the rug (and, apparently, not for the first time).  I’ve heard it said that the recent accomplishments made on the political front where the growing alphabet soup of the LGBT community has had an effect in lessening the angst toward homosexuality and this is allowing these alleged bisexuals to jump on the bandwagon and in greater numbers and this is despite some in-house fighting and discussions about the validity of the “B” in LGBT.

Cityman, in his opening statement for one of our many conversations asked, “So, what is that enables men to go from cock aversion to cock positive and carefree?”  In many ways, the question is somewhat rhetorical because, as one such guy, he’s made this transition and he knows, obviously, exactly how he got to where he is now on the path – that and we’ve had this particular conversations hundreds of times, not because of a lack of understanding on anyone’s part but because it’s such an interesting thing to talk about and more so when, these days, there seems to be a lot of men stepping onto the path but, curiously, aren’t really sure why this path has gone from something they don’t think about to becoming a nearly all-consuming and somewhat obsessive need.  Adding a bit more intrigue to this question are indications of men deciding to walk this path – but many without, ahem, prior experience – and displaying a sense of certainty of what it is they wish to experience at this point.

Just how does a guy go from, “Ew – that’s some nasty shit!” to “Man, I had no idea what I was missing all this time!”?  Again, the devil is in the details and one of the things researchers have a problem with is finding enough men (in particular) who are willing to sit down with them and tell their stories so that they can find a focal point or some other commonality that they can point to and say, with a high degree of certainty, “Aha! This is why bisexual men are bisexual men!”  Certainly, youthful curiosity, which often leads to experimentation, can be pointed to although I’m not sure it’s understood just how the idea or though to do this appears in the first place.  We grudgingly accept that it happens, that it’s not really all that unusual for young boys to develop an interest in sex and experimentation is off and running and that particular trigger could very well be linked to the moment our testicles descend into their proper place and we’re now on our way to puberty.  It must be mentioned that not all boys experiment with other boys; some do limit their early experimentation to girls or they don’t experiment at all because, well, that can kinda get you into trouble – I’m sure you’ve all heard the warnings and admonishment about this sex thing, right?

Sometimes, it begins with a question:  What is it like to suck someone’s dick or to get screwed?  I don’t know of too many guys who haven’t asked a gal this question and if she answers, the best she can offer is, “I dunno… it feels good…” or whatever their opinion of this sex thing is.  Sometimes the question/answer lingers in the back of their minds, sometimes it’s asked, answered, and forgotten since, “It feels good” isn’t a very detailed answer and some have equated this to trying to describe color to someone who can’t see; it can be done but it ain’t easy.  We can, in part, point to instances where men and their interactions with women, um, don’t quite go well; I’ve seen and heard many times how some guy who has some issue with women go through the gamut of negative emotions and because of this, wind up on the path; some guys ask another question, like, “Is this all there is to it?” and they know it isn’t because, as I’ve written more times than I care to think about, there aren’t too many people who don’t know that there are men who have sex with other men and if they don’t know this, it’s because they haven’t found out yet.

Some guys wind up on the path and can legitimately blame it on the alcohol, which is well-known for lowering inhibitions; in some men, other life issues can open the door for a guy to wind up on the path, i.e., depression, frustration, grief and, to some extent, anger.  Under these conditions, it’s not like a guy experiences these things and says that he’s gonna go suck a dick as a “cure” for these things… but for a lot of men, everything just lines up in the right way and at the right time and something like the bro-job happens.  Some guys are just curious – period.  They become aware of the conversations about homosexuality and, at times, just wonders what the big deal is other than what’s obviously being said about it.  There must be something to it because if there wasn’t, there wouldn’t be so many men doing it to each other, right?  Doesn’t mean they’re suddenly gonna run out and find the answer to this… but it also doesn’t mean that some guys won’t think that doing some further investigation is, indeed, warranted.

This is one of those things where thinking and doing aren’t the same things; a guy can have some thoughts about this – good, bad, or indifferent – but that’s usually not enough impetus to nudge a guy onto the path.  There are some events that will just shove a guy onto the path but it also seems that there are things going on in the background – in one’s subconscious – that are hard at work and building in strength… and things that our conscious mind isn’t even aware of.  As I’ve said, there was a time when I’d say that a man just does not wake up one morning and decide that having sex with another guy is a good thing to do… and I’ve since recanted this because, apparently, it’s quite possible that this is what can happen and is evidenced by a huge number of men asking, “Why do I have this urge to suck cock?” – but it’s something that happens over time and all that’s needed is something to trigger a guy from though to action.  We wonder just how a guy just seems to know that doing this simply makes sense and as if there’s some logical progression at work and if a guy speaks about this and is asked why, all of a sudden, he wants to do something like this, the answer usually boils down to them just having a feeling… but they have no idea where this feeling came from.  In my opinion, I think we can point the finger at the subconscious, that sneaky bastard but I’ll be damned if it can be definitely proven.

Nothing else seems to make sense, though.

Even though turning thought into action is pretty damned scary – and I’m probably understating this a bit – should a guy get triggered to act or Mr. Murphy shows up in the right place and time and gives a guy a good shove in that direction, a guy will have an experience and he’ll either like it, won’t like it, or even be unsure about whether he liked it or not.  Some guys try it and, yuck; some guys try it and have an epiphany – God only knows how many men I’ve personally heard say that it wasn’t as bad as they though it was and asking why they waited so long before doing this.  Then it’s all about narrowing down that which they like doing – and before I forget, I must mention that some guys try it, find it not to their liking, vow to never do it again… and do it again and I think that their subconscious waves its mysterious fingers and points out to the guy that, hey, you know, just because you didn’t like it that first time doesn’t mean that, if you give it another guy, you still won’t like it.  Indeed, some guys have a less than stellar first experience… but the second one?  Wow… just wow.

The problem comes up when we get conflicted:  We’re thinking and/or doing something that, historically, is seen as being as wrong as anything can be… but if this is true, why does doing it make so much sense and, importantly, why does it feel right?  I remember asking Cityman, during a conversation some time ago and along this same topic of discussion, if he had noticed that when he sucked dick for the first time, he just knew how to do it.  He thought about it for a moment and allowed that, yeah, it did seem like he knew exactly what to do and even allowed that he knew this because, duh, it’s not like he’s never seen a woman blowing him before and, double duh, there’s a guy in the middle of sucking his dick so figuring out what to do is kinda like a no-brainer.  Or is it?  Sure, this explanation makes a lot of sense but how does a guy who has never had oral sex figure this out?  Ah, you might be thinking that porn is the easy answer and you’d be right in that “if you can see it, you can do it” kind of way… but that doesn’t explain how a guy who hasn’t watched porn (and for whatever reason he hasn’t) also just knows how to do something he’s never seen or experienced before the moment he gives in to the urge to do it.

And if all of this is giving you a mild headache, you can probably imagine what it does to those people whose job it is to figure this all out and make sense of it.  Homosexuals have long insisted that they were born this way and that choice had nothing to do with it… and they’re partially right, I think.  We are all born with the potential to do this and thanks to evolutionary process, like the famous flatworm experiment where a flatworm was taught a trick and once it had it down pat, it was dissected and fed to other flatworms who could now perform the same trick taught to the late-lamented original flatworm.  We’re more complex than flatworms, of course, but there’s the fact that way back in time, two guys somehow got together and had sex with each other and it just kept going until it became a part of our makeup – those first men learned the “trick” and the rest of us have learned it as well but that’s where choice comes in because, sorry gay folks, you do choose to act on your feelings or not but it’s such a “natural” thing that choice doesn’t seem to play a part – it just makes sense.

When we look at sexuality, it’s not always about what we do:  It’s all in why we do what we do.  What drives us, what conditions exist or are happened upon that are powerful enough to break our social conditioning and set us on the path of doing something that’s morally reprehensible and, to many, just down right nasty?  The path has always been there and many have walked upon it prior to bisexuality becoming a hot-button topic.  We talk about what – all that cock sucking and ass fucking – but, clearly, we need to look to the why and how of this.  How does a guy who says that there’s no way in hell that he’d let some dude suck his dick one day find himself getting sucked off by a guy… and loving every moment of the experience?  How does a guy who’d say that he’d fight to the death to keep himself from getting fucked in the ass “suddenly” have a change of heart and mind and determine that having this experience is just what the doctor ordered?  How does anyone go from, “I’d never do some shit like that!” to “I can’t get enough of doing this shit!”?

In the here and now, we have more questions than answers but in order to understand the path, we must keep asking the questions and looking for the answers although, at a high level, it’s probably just easier to say that people are bisexual because they can and want to be… but you should know how we are – it’s just not enough to accept such a simple answer because there’s got to be some other reason that explains this…

 
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Posted by on 22 April 2018 in Today's Bisexual Thoughts

 

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Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: Top, Bottom, or Versatile?

This seems to be a recurring topic on the bi guy forum and a forum where, thanks to a recent poll, bottoms outnumber both tops and versatile guys – and this includes the guys who haven’t done the nasty with another guy yet.  It’s always interesting to see how folks who are adverse to labels want to hang their respective hats on these particular labels, like the one guy who said that we – bisexuals – shouldn’t get hung up over the labels of straight, bi, gay, whatever – but he’s a dyed-in-the-wool bottom.

Again, if you think women are funny…

These roles come with expectations; tops are the male-dominant sexual role, bottoms the female-submissive role, and versatile embodies being able to assume either of the previous roles.  The issue isn’t that these roles exist but how we – humans – seem to think that these roles are fixed or, a bit more plainly, a top couldn’t (or isn’t supposed to) change his mind and decide that he wants to be a bottom or the opposite of this – and versatile guys are always expected to switch roles in a single sexual encounter… and I honestly don’t know why we behave like this.  Sure, one can argue that this is all about preference but even in this, don’t we act as if once a preference is set, we aren’t to deviate from it?  Methinks some of this is because humans are creatures of habit and once we learn how to do something, we will usually do it the same way every time (or as close to that as possible) and even if we learn of a different way to do a thing, we might try that different way but usually default back to the way we’ve always done it.

There’s a great exercise/example that involves crossing your arms.  In such an exercise, the instructor had us cross our arms as we normally would, like, left over right – then cross our arms the opposite way – right over left.  Some people made the change smoothly… but many others had a moment actually doing it and then they said that it felt weird.  Give it a try – I’ll wait.

How’d that go for you?  No big deal… or did it feel weird?  Did you automatically switch it up or did you have to think about it for a moment?

We often operate under the notion that if it ain’t broke, don’t fuck with it which kinda reflects our seemingly natural aversion to change and even in this, some folks can change without much effort while others struggle with change and go out of their way to resist change even though that change might be necessary.  So in the M2M world, once a top, always a top and along with this, tops do/don’t do certain things – let’s call this expected behavior for lack of a better phrase – so a top is required and expected to always be in the dominant role and never even think about assuming the submissive – bottom – role… even if a top has an urge to find out what it’s like to be a bottom.

I recall having this discussion with my protegé who, like a lot of top guys I know of, said that he’s a top and there’s no reason for him to be anything other than a layer of pipe.  I laughed and asked him, “So, um, what would you do if you got the urge to be topped?  Or if you ran into a guy you resonated with and he wanted bury his bone in your butt?”  He said that would never happen (and adamantly so) but I persisted and asked, “Okay, so, what you’re saying is that you’d never have a reason to change your mind?”  He said he didn’t think so and, uh, without giving away any details, er, um, he did find reason to change his mind.

I just think it’s pretty funny to see guys writing about their position on this and how very certain they are that they have no reason or desire to deviate from their position/role of choice.  Sure, some tops have chimed in on the topic and have allowed that they’ve given some thought about bottoming… but, nah, that’s not likely to happen.  Likewise, a few of the bottoms have expressed an interest in topping a guy and have turned right around and dismissed the idea with some saying that they didn’t think they could top a guy… but, as a matter of course, they do screw women.  If I recall, someone did ask a bottom why he wouldn’t want to top a guy and that bottom replied, “Because I’m not supposed to – that’s not the way it works.”

Really?  There’s no point in wondering where this kind of thinking came from because the notion is probably much older than I am and has become like a standard behavior and one in which deviation either isn’t allowed or not expected to take place; you pick a role and you stay in it no matter what and, perhaps, this is an outgrowth of our resistance to change or just being creatures of habit.  I recall a conversation I had with a guy on the hookup site about this and one of the first things he asked me was if I was a top or a bottom and I replied, honestly, “That depends on how I’m feeling.”

He asked, “Oh, okay, does that mean you’re vers (versatile)?”

I replied, “No, that means exactly what I said.”

He didn’t seem to think that made any sense and even said that I had to be one of these things and I asked him, “Where’s it written or who says that I have to be?”

He retorted that this is the way it’s always been and I asked, “So, what, I’m not allowed to change my mind about what I wanna do and/or how I wanna do it?”

He vanished from the conversation so I guess that as far as he was concerned, changing my mind wasn’t part of the deal or something.

Then there are the guys who seem to think that this also applies to having sex with women and one guy said he enjoys bottoming for women in a BDSM way and, I guess, submitting to whatever she wants to do to him but I wonder if the guys who make this distinction understand that if she’s riding his cock, she’s in what’s known as the female-dominant role so even though he’s all up in her coochie, um, he’s really in the male-submission role and simply because of who’s on top?  Maybe it’s just me (and it probably is) but I don’t see where being submissive in a BDSM way really equates to the top/bottom/versatile modes of M2M sex – then again, you can take what I know about BDSM and it might fill a tablespoon at best.  It at least begs the question of whether any of this is mindset or a matter of who’s doing what to whom and even how it’s being done.

Sound confusing?  That’s probably because it is but that kinda brings me back around to the purpose of labels:  We have to be able to define our environment and even our actions; otherwise, how do we know what the hell we’re doing when we’re doing it?  But when it comes to this thing in particular, why do we just assume that once we pick a role there’s no reason to ever change our minds?  True enough:  Some guys try topping and bottoming and then decide which thing gives them the most sexual pleasure and, yes, some find that switching between topping and bottoming suits their purposes… but the question remains valid:  Who says you can’t change your mind about this and is it really that “impossible” for a top to decide that when he gets with this guy, he wants to be screwed or a bottom to decide that this time around, he wants to be the one laying the pipe?  Is it “illegal” for a versatile guy to decide that, for this encounter, he doesn’t want to do the top/bottom interchange and just top or bottom?

That seems to be the case at a high level of thought:  Pick a role and stay in it even if it crosses your mind to do something different.

 
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Posted by on 31 July 2017 in Today's Bisexual Thoughts

 

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