Growing up and having sex with da fellas was pretty simple. We’d blow each other – with or without nut juice – and we’d screw each other and even in those early days for us, we kinda/sorta knew that when we had sex with each other, one of us was going to be “the girl” in things, from happily sucking on a dick to feeling a dick in our butt… and then we’d put it in reverse and the other guy takes his turn being “the girl.”
I put it like that because as everyone knew, only girls sucked dick and got screwed. Wow… were we wrong about that one or what?
As a lot of guys got older, there were guys who only wanted to do certain things with another guy; “Stevie” would rather be the one getting his dick sucked and fucking and “Jay-jay” found that he had more fun sucking dick and being fucked… or just sucking dick and if the other guy wasn’t into that – or “Jay-jay” didn’t like being sucked – okay, that worked.
As I recall, I didn’t hear the terms “top” and “bottom” until… 1990-something? I remember discovering IRC chat and finding a chat for bisexual guys and while the conversations were more like cybersex – another term I hadn’t known about until I joined that chatroom – I found myself flummoxed when a guy sent me a message in a private chat and asked, “Are you a top or a bottom?”
I actually felt a little embarrassed because, one, I didn’t know what he was talking about and, two, he had to explain it to me. My feeling of being disconnected deepened because after the guy explained it to me, I took a “quick look” at what I’d done with guys and realized that, hmm, I was actually both which prompted the guy to say, “So you’re versatile, huh? Cool. What made you decide to be versatile?”
Well, um, it wasn’t as much of a decision as it was a thing of that’s just the way we were about it – you suck me, I suck you and you fuck me and I fuck you. No biggie. Everyone goes away happy. I didn’t think his question was invalid but his explanations put into perspective and – dare I say? – labeled the behaviors I’d been seeing for quite some time at that point in that guys were now less versatile than before.
So now I lived in a male bisexual world defined by three things: Top, bottom, and versatile and the roles, it seemed, were rather defined. Tops, being the guy in the dealings, only got their dick sucked – by bottoms and versatiles – and were the ones to do all the fucking. Many did not and would not suck dick or allow themselves to be fucked.
Bottoms, being the girl in the dealings, did all the cock sucking and got fucked while versatiles, well, they confused the whole thing since they could be top and bottom as well as top or bottom, depending on some stuff. Not all guys held themselves strictly to these roles; some tops did suck dick and sometimes – and with the right guy – they’d want to be screwed. Some bottoms would… relent and allow their cocks to be sucked and would, with the right guy – stick it in and do some fucking.
But in this, neither guy in either role was considered to be versatile; those guys just did it all and often as a matter of course although if a versatile guy didn’t want to fuck or be fucked, well, okay – no biggie or not much of one because, at the least, somebody was gonna get their dick sucked and their balls delightfully emptied.
Armed with these “new” roles, I paid a lot of attention to them and, when I could, dug into why a guy chose the role he found himself in as well as trying to suss out how the roles got their names in the first place. Word was the terms originated among gay men and had connections to BDSM and as some interactions were termed, at least at the time I was digging into all of this.
One of the things that really became clear was that once a guy adopted a role, well, that was that. No changes, no exceptions, no recourse and a lot of the sex became non-negotiable. I found it curious that this aspect of the dynamic tended to run right alongside “normal” heterosexual sex but, okay, that’s something we know about and we do tend to do things in the way we know how to do them. But it presented a problem when I – and being more versatile-minded – would run into a guy I found interesting enough to want to sleep with then find out that because of the role he adopted would exclude a lot of stuff… and a lot of deals would be broken before the conversation really took off.
Wait… you mean to tell me that there are guys who love to suck dick… but it’s not in their “job description” to be sucked? What kind of crazy shit is this? And, let’s wait some more because that guy over there is very keen to butt fuck me but when I say that I’m keen to butt fuck him, wow – where did he go? Did I imagine talking to him. Or, even better, he’s going on and on about making me get on my knees and keep blowing him – and swallowing his sperm – until he can’t get it up… but he’s not gonna blow me?
What the fuck is going on? Further investigation and review drew more attention to preference and a strict adherence to them from “don’t like that” to “that’s not the way it’s supposed to be.” One guy actually told me, “In this, you’re the bitch in this deal so you’d better act like one!”
Um, he got his elbow dislocated for that one and, as I recall, lost a tooth in the process. Bitch? I got your bitch right here!
The top/bottom thing was snowballing and so much that it would become the basis of my objection to those who object to the binary nature of sex, you know, like it’s not the way it’s pretty much always been in that someone assumes the male/dominant role and someone assumes the female/submissive role and, no, I didn’t coin these terms – read them in a book about about sex.
What I didn’t see was a large number of versatile guys, those fellas who’d say, “I don’t care who does what as long as we get naked and have sex! Whatever works, okay? Let’s get busy and see what happens!” It got so… pervasive and strict that, later, I’d ask myself a question: What happens when two tops or two bottoms get together? The answer? Probably nothing because the roles, as defined, did not allow for this kind of sameness and, if it help, think about that thing you learned about magnets in school: Opposites attract and sameness pushes each other away.
Well, damn. Now, it wasn’t really unheard of for something to happen between two tops or two bottoms – it just didn’t always happen as a matter of course and if it did, it depended on how… involved these guy could be with each other, you know, depending on how they felt about each other and what made them feel that when they were with each other, the now hard-set roles could be set aside… but don’t tell anyone that we did it like this, okay? We both have reputations to uphold, after all!
The more I studied this, the more… crazy it got. The connection to BDSM got a little tighter in that tops were now a lot more dominant along those lines while bottoms were being more submissive… and the more versatile guys were conspicuous by their absence in the dynamic. But wait – it gets better!
Cityman and I were talking about this one guy who was offering sex and described himself as “top/verse” and Cityman asked, “What does that mean?”
And I said, “I have no idea! First time I’ve heard of it!” Between the two of us, we reasoned that it means that the guy was a top but could be versatile and, minutes later, a “bottom/verse” appeared on Cityman’s radar. Now, being an old-school kinda guy, my thoughts were that you were either versatile… or you weren’t. Additionally – and as I said before – it wouldn’t be all that unusual for a top to decide that with this guy – or, just because he felt like it – he could bottom but what these two new terms made me think was, “Why are we over-complicating this even more than it already is and with terms that are, at best, confusing?”
And I’ll be damned if I know why. You either prefer to always be the boy in this, prefer to always be the girl and either one works for you even if it’s situational since, not too long ago, versatiles were assumed to want to always be both in the same encounter when it was really “top and/or bottom” and depending on the other guy.
There are bottoms… and then there are submissive bottoms. What’s the difference? I couldn’t tell you other than the mindset of the bottom in question and what being submissive means to them.
Cityman and I got into a conversation about guys not being more versatile or, as I had said, “Ask a guy why he’s the only one who gets to have all of the fun.” No one seems to want to take into consideration that regardless of your chosen or preferred role – and whatever you wanna call it – you can change your mind if ya want to. Cityman – and as some guys tend to do – identified as a top when he began his journey and I told him that, you know, one of these days – and believe it or not – you’re gonna want some guy to fuck you. He said it would never happen… and I’m sure you know what really happened.
I explained to him that, no – you don’t have to give up your ass to anyone who asks or believes that’s what you have to do; you pick and choose – and depending on how you go about doing that – who gets to stick it in you and when and who doesn’t. The question of “sexual equality among men” came up and, on paper, it sounds really good: You do this to me and I do the same thing to you. Except, it doesn’t work like that and more so when, again, a guy will choose a role and will not deviate from it for any reason, not so much because they don’t know that they can – they’re just not supposed to.
“Pick a side and stay on it!” is what bisexuals are told to do and bisexuals do, in fact, pick a side and stay on it after deciding that their high level side is somewhere in the middle of things. Cityman accurately said that doing things this way leaves a lot of potential sex on the floor and unrealized and I pointed out to him that we now live in an era where instant gratification is more the norm – I want what I want and the exact way I want it; otherwise, no deal. Guys are adamant about setting their preferences and making them very unchangeable and while I understand why they do this, it never seems to occur to them that if they’re not getting the sex they want from other guys, it’s because they’ve chosen to be stuck in a specific place and hold out for the sex they want to have versus the sex they could be having.
Actually, they do know this… but they’ll tell you, “I don’t have to if I don’t want to!” and to many, it’s inconceivable that they’d ever want to step away from their preferred and chosen role. It’s considered to be in bad taste and quite rude to challenge a guy’s stated role and preferences but, eh, you know me – I’ll do it in a heartbeat because there really is no such thing as too much information.
Casual sex off the table. Equality in having sex, yeah, right, never really existed except in rare situations and in theory. Cityman, like a lot of other guys, gets really annoyed when some dude hits him up and either tells him or demands that Cityman is going to be the one to get fucked and completely overlooking what it says on his profile – he’s a top but one who, with the really right guy, is open to bottoming. I told him that if you wanna make those kinds of guys get ghost, all you have to do is tell them, “Great – but I’m not the only one who’s gonna get fucked.”
Or like the guy he told me about who demanded that Cityman come over right now and worship his cock with his mouth… and Cityman did tell him, “Okay… as long as you’re gonna worship mine!” Dude disappeared like he never existed.
Guys are always asking why this is so frustratingly difficult and the answer is simple: We make it that way and it seems we’re continuing to make it as difficult as we can… and it’s disturbing that few guys see this and especially in themselves. Sometimes, it’s not the other guy who makes it difficult to get dicks hard and making them soft again.
Is it unusual for a guy to go from doing it all to not doing it all? No, not really because you do learn some shit about what you like and don’t like but as many people tend to do, once you decide that you don’t like something, it’s assumed that it will never, ever be liked or if shit got fucked up doing something once, it will always be fucked up and without giving any real thought that sex – any kind of sex – is situational and even conditional and any guy who has ever had sex with a woman should be very much aware of this because we know that what works on one woman may not work on another… and what worked on girlfriend an hour ago might not work an hour later. Or it might or could work a couple of days from now or keep not working for the next month or two.
“Henry” got a “bad” blow job from “Frank” and as far as Henry is concerned, Frank will always give him a bad blow job while not giving a single thought to the conditions and other stuff that could have contributed to that particular blow job being bad in Henry’s mind. In the top, bottom, whatever thing, sure – some guys find that being one or the other didn’t work as expected or the first time a guy tried to fuck them, it just went sideways and, as such, it will always go sideways.
Some guys won’t suck dick because, frankly, they’re too scared to do it or they had that one bad experience that now tells them that sucking dick is bad and it ain’t gonna happen again. I’ve heard bottoms, when asked why they don’t fuck, say that they just don’t like that, don’t feel confident that they’d be good at it and, often, have issues about their dick that makes them think that other guys wouldn’t want such a “sorry cock” in them. So the only thing for them to do and be is to be a bottom and, please, do not even think about sucking their dick because everyone knows that bottoms aren’t supposed to have their dick sucked and tops, well, they never suck dick.
Sound like some crazy shit? That’s because it is some crazy-assed shit and the thing that continues to evade me is that I don’t know why and how this got to be so crazy. What I do know – and for those guys who are bitching and moaning about not being able to find someone to have sex with – is that if you set the bar too high and your preferences that also defines your role are inflexible, guess what you ain’t gonna be doing any time soon?
We had a saying back in the day that, in one context, remains true: You gotta bring ass to get ass. It’s mostly used when Guy A tells Guy B that he’s gonna kick his ass for something and Guy B invokes the saying to let Guy A know that one, he’s gonna have to show up to kick his ass and Guy B won’t be the only one getting their ass kicked.
But in another context, if Guy A wants to fuck Guy B, Guy B can invoke this saying to let Guy A know that he’s not the only one who wants to do some fucking. You wanna suck some dick? Fine… but yours is gonna get sucked, too, because, duh, why not? Isn’t this supposed to be about mutual pleasure and satisfaction? Yeah, theoretically… not so much in practical application and as guys go about it these days.
And for some guys, this role thing can wind up changing their minds about some stuff, like, I’m not of a mind to suck a guy’s dick if he’s not gonna suck mine, not out of any sense of equality but, yeah – I like having my dick sucked. Oh, you wanna fuck me? You can expect to be fucked in return because, yeah, I like fucking, too.
What? That’s not how it works? Well, what the fuck makes you think it doesn’t or can’t work like that? And I’ve yet to hear a guy be able to answer that question or answer it in a way that actually makes sense. The roles, such as they are, are and can be a self-made prison or pretty much a guarantee that you’re not going to be having the sex with other men that you want and crave.
And that’s just the way shit really is. I understand and even respect preferences but I will always be the guy who can find reason to question them and more so when it becomes clear that your preferences and role is preventing you from having sex. Period. What happens when two tops or two bottoms get together? What should happen and at the very least is they’re able to suck each other repeatedly until dry… but that’s not what happens and, again, what usually happens is…
Nothing. This situation is made worse when, sometimes, the guys really do like each other enough to have sex with each other but their identical roles say that, nope, ain’t gonna happen unless one or the other submits to being the girl in things… and that’s never to be done if you’re a top just like being the man in things seems to be anathema to bottoms who prefer to be the girl.
Sheesh. Have I ever mentioned how funny guys are about this? These days it seems to me that guys are so damned funny about this that it makes having sex – and pleasing – a woman look easy by comparison – and we do know how easy that isn’t. Cityman asked me why being open to bottoming or being more versatile is being considered by some guys to not be good enough, which is what got this whole conversation about roles started.
It’s not good enough because, duh, it’s not good enough. Tops expect every man they wanna fuck to submit to being fucked, no questions asked and as such, being open to it just ain’t good enough. Tops kinda don’t expect a guy to want to fuck them because that’s not the way it works and, um, yeah, they’re scared to even think about having a dick in their ass. And a lot of tops just assume, for some reason, that any man they hit on is going to give their ass because that’s the way it goes. It’s what they want and expect and what the other guy may want or expect doesn’t mean jack shit to them.
Wow. Just wow… what a cluster fuck this has become… and people wonder why I often long for the good old days in this?