So, with the demise of the bi guy forum many of the guys have moved on to another forum and have been getting a feel for the place and as I took a look earlier to see what, if anything was going, I saw a thread that seems to be as circular a discussion as my scribbling about it is: Which do you prefer to be – a top or a bottom?
The author of the post is of a mind that a lot of the members of this site are bottoms but quite a few guys who are tops chimed in with their preference and that there’s this “settling point” doesn’t really surprise me as much as it tends to be overlooked that some guys are both a top and a bottom and as they see fit to be or, really, whatever the situation calls for when getting with another guy.
Bisexuality is seen as a departure from the heteronormative and “homonormative” dynamics; instead of boy/girl, boy/boy, girl/girl, bisexuality encompasses both of these dynamics but cannot seem to “escape” the binary effect of someone being the “guy” and someone being the “girl” when it comes to having sex and that there are guys who are neither top nor bottom… but could be both. It takes a lot for a guy to step out of the heteronormative box without getting his mind totally fucked up in doing so because it’s one hell of an adjustment to make… but guys who make the transition do tend to fall into two categories: Tops and bottoms and with versatile guys being like male unicorns; you know there are guys who go both ways and literally so but you don’t see or hear of them very often.
And there seems to be something to guys jumping into the pool and picking a side… after they’ve decided, on the whole, to not do what straight and gay folks do – they pick a side and stay there to keep this kinda simple. Confusing? I hope so because it is quite curious that guys do this but still not unusual. Once upon a time (and you knew this was gonna show up eventually) and in the environment I grew up in, guys were more versatile than singularly top or bottom; for us, it was an unwritten “rule” to be both, out of what I’d call an odd sense of fairness – you didn’t ask a guy if you could fuck him if you weren’t willing to have that guy turn right around and fuck you and if you weren’t, well, you were an asshole, chump, chicken, etc..
Eventually, a guy would migrate to just being a top or bottom via experience; you learned “the hard way” to either love being fucked or to no longer being a fan of it… but today, guys are coming out of the gate choosing to be a top or a bottom… and rarely versatile and, as I probably mentioned in past scribbles, I’m uncertain how these guys are making such a decision without any actual experience although I’m fairly certain that the porn I mentioned in yesterday’s scribble might have a lot to do with it.
Or guys just nitpick things a bit and tops get comfortable with the thought of a guy sucking his dick and in preparation to get fucked… but the thought of them taking a hard one in the butt is just too scary or, as some have said, too gay for their sensibilities. This new class of bottoms seem to be of a mind that, sure, if they wanted to, they could top a guy… but being topped – being the girl in this deal – is what fits their needs and personality a lot better, that and some guys become bottoms because when they’re engaging with women, they’re always the top or the one driving the sexual bus and, well, to be the one not driving for a change just works for them.
Submissive bottoms are something else and I’m fairly certain that it’s personality driven – I think. Most of the submissive bottoms I’ve ever come across are totally and completely dedicated to being “used” by a guy and in whatever way that pleases the top, from sucking his dick until he cums to taking it in the ass and being ready and willing to go again if time and circumstances allow it. The submissive bottoms I know of aren’t fans of getting their dick sucked… or even touched; some are very much aware that if the top with them were to do something to his cock, he’s gonna cum and that damned refractory period is going to take them right out of the game which makes sense… but some don’t want their cock sucked because, according to them, it does nothing for them, that and being sucked takes away their purpose in being the one to give the pleasure and by giving it, receiving much pleasure in the giving.
You “sit in” on a discussion about tops and bottoms and it gets very interesting and even educational but, again, the guys missing from the table are those dudes who really don’t care if they top or bottom as long as they’re having sex.
But what I think what’s really going on here is an extension of being “forced” to make a choice or to pick a side. First, the only allowed “choice”is to be straight but we know how well that doesn’t work; the other “allowed choice” is to be gay but, eh, that doesn’t always work as well as some gay folks would have you believe so guys pick the “improbable” choice to be both straight and gay… but neither one exclusively. But for many, there’s one more choice to make: Top or bottom? And once they make their choice, they stick with it, not because it’s the thing that works for them but because it’s implied that once you decide to be a top or a bottom, you’re not allowed to change your mind.
And if that doesn’t sound insane to you, I don’t know what does. Yes – how a guy chooses to have sex with other guys is all up to them and it’s not like some guys don’t find reason to change their mind about their chosen role, which probably explains that crazy-sounding “top-verse” and “bottom-verse” thing I’ve been seeing and hearing about here lately because we’re still slicing and dicing things to make this M2M thing more… palatable? Not sure what the right word would be but it’s something that I find utterly fascinating that guys are migrating to a sexual stance that says, “I’m a top for the most part… but I could be versatile with the right guy” and the same goes for those bottom-verse fellows.
And I’m wondering why they don’t just say that they’re versatile to begin with. Now, some guys hear this sexual role and assume that, in one sexual session, they’re fucking and being fucked – flip-flopping with the other guy and while that can happen, it usually doesn’t. “Toby” is a versatile guy and he gets with “Al,” and “Al” wants to be topped so “Toby” says, “Okay!” and tops the daylights out of “Al” and everyone’s happy. Our fictional guy meets “Rick” and “Rick” wants to top “Toby” and “Toby” says, “Bring it!” and all is good in the world.
But most guys go top or bottom… and stay there even though some do tend to wonder what it would be like to bottom if they’re a top and top if they’re a bottom; some guys have actually done this and it’s either “just okay” and not something they’d do as a matter of course or, ew – not gonna do that again. Some guys are conditional about it – versatile with the right guy – which has some “romantic” overtones to it like if the two of them are into each other deeply enough, setting aside top and bottom just kinda makes sense.
What makes this even more interesting and, often, confusing for me is how a lot of people are bitching about the gender binary which I do get… but not how it apply to the act of having sex; to me, that binary is inescapable because someone is cast into the role of being the “boy” and someone is in the role of being the “girl” and it beggars my mind to see that there are a lot of people who think that this part of the dynamic can be so easily erased or set aside and based on the chosen gender of a person. I get that someone might not want to accept the traditional male gender role (or the female one) and behave accordingly… except, um, sex doesn’t give a fuck about gender in that sense and, as we’ve learned, isn’t “equipment dependent” – someone will invariably assume the top – male/dominant – role or the bottom – female/submissive – role and, yeah, those roles are and can be interchangeable but guys tend to be of a mind that once a top/bottom, always a top/bottom.
And versatile guys are the red-headed stepchildren in this dynamic. Again, they exist and always have existed… you just don’t see them coming up in M2M discussions all that often. Indeed, even in this new world of M2M apps, when a guy reaches out the first thing he wants to know is if you’re a top or bottom even though the apps and their profiles allow you to specify this preference. As such, you rarely see two tops hooking up for sex just like you rarely see two bottoms; tell a top that you’re versatile and watch how fast the conversation ends and because the thought of the guy you wanna fuck fucking you, well, it’s just not done. Likewise with bottoms and those bottoms who aren’t of a mind to use their cocks for anything other than a means to empty their bladder; for them to think that they’re gonna get called on to do some topping is anathema to them.
And yet, many of these guys who are stuck in place often wonder why M2M sex is losing its luster for them; it gets boring, predictable, etc., and it doesn’t seem to get into their head that if you wanna put the shine back on it, step out of the box you voluntarily put yourself into.