On the heels of having scribbled, “TBT: Reflections,” I saw this on the bi guy forum and it spurred me to write about it. Of all the things M2M, this is one of the things that tends to mystify me and it’s in the form of a question: How does a guy decide to be just a top, just a bottom, or to be both… and then, how does he decide on this without any actual sexual experience with another guy?
The terms of top, bottom, and versatile didn’t exist when I began my trip down this sexuality road and with the very horny guys I grew up with, you just did it all; you topped, you bottomed, you switched, you sucked dick and all in one “session” because nothing else made sense and to not be engaged in every aspect was deemed to be unfair.
So when one guy looked at another and asked the magic question: “Hey – do you wanna do it?” it was implied that everything two guys could do to and with each other was gonna be done. Eventually, guys began to settle into that which they liked the most but the main point here is that this… settling in didn’t happen unless one had engaged in all three of the modern roles of top, bottom, or versatile.
We learned by doing or, if you will, getting done. Today, there are a lot of guys who somehow are able to decide which role they’d prefer to adopt and without any real experience whatsoever. The bi guy forum seems to be “top heavy” with bottoms and wannabe bottoms; a lot of the experienced bottoms grudgingly admit to liking to top every now and then but express the preference of being on the receiving end of things.
Indeed, a lot of the forum’s bottoms got their “start” being bottoms and I’d suppose that it just made sense for them to remain bottoms because, um, they really liked bottoming more than anything else, that and some guys adopt the bottom role because when they’re having sex with women, they are always topping and as strange as it might sound, eh, that gets rather pedantic after a while and more so when a guy wants to experience being the one getting dicked and creamed.
And, perhaps, this is the same reasoning used by those guys who haven’t had a M2M experience yet and the one they want to experience is being a bottom? I’m not sure and because there are aspects to this that evade every attempt to put it into words that make sense, it’s often not easy for a guy to explain how and why he’s made a choice about something he’s yet to actually do.
Over the decades, I’ve seen M2M stuff make what is to me an odd progression, that being, guys settling into a role and one that is “clearly” defined, i.e, tops do this, don’t do that and bottoms follow an identical “guideline.” Tops may or may not suck cock (many don’t); their job is to offer up their cock to be sucked and as a prelude to getting it into the bottom’s bottom and busting that nut. Bottoms seem to be relegated to sucking cock then offering their butts to be reamed and creamed…
And there’s no deviation allowed or expected; if you’ve declared yourself as a bottom, the thought that you could be called upon to top someone is… unthinkable and even undesirable; likewise, if you’re a top, having someone ask you to bottom for them is deemed to be undoable. I recall having this discussion with Cityman way back when we first started talking to each other and his asserting that he was all top and that bottoming just wasn’t gonna happen. Nothing unusual about this because I’d seen guys “automatically” assume this role and if for no other reason than for them, it was all about fucking and with zero thought to being fucked.
Which made me ask him, “What are you gonna do when you find yourself wanting to be topped?” And then tell him – and with a certainty he wouldn’t have been familiar with at that time, “There will come a time when despite being a top, you will want to be topped.”
Needless to say, he didn’t believe me – but I knew he wouldn’t because it seems that even between bisexual men, once you adopt a role, it’s never supposed to change and there’s no reason for it to change. This mindset speaks to a certain kind of “black or white” thinking and perhaps even a large amount of hubris to think and/or believe that finding themselves in the opposite role that they’ve adopted just can’t happen.
But I still don’t know or fully understand how a guy who has never had a sexual experience with another man can make such at hard-set decision. I know that there are actually guys who think/believe that if they’re the ones doing the fucking, what they’re doing to the other guy isn’t gay and the same applies to sucking dick… and, at least to me, that’s so far from the truth that it’s really kinda funny to find a guy who believes this. I get that a guy who tops wants to continue being a man and masculine so being the one laying the pipe is simply an extension to the sex he has with women; then you add in the known fact that taking a finger in the ass – let alone a hard dick – um, well, that shit hurts so it does make sense that there are guys who would rather avoid that.
A lot of bottoms talk about being/feeling submissive… or wanting to be made to feel this way and for the longest time, I’ve suspected that these guys are “automatically” adopting the female/submissive role in sex and all that’s been implied by this role and determined by how women are placed into this role and almost by default, as it were. I know – and even if they’ve yet to learn – that while this sound rather attractive, to actually be subjected to a man’s lust isn’t always what it’s thought to be. Comparatively speaking, sucking cock and sucking a guy off is easy… taking the preferred “big cock” in their butt – and then having it hammered “unmercifully” is a very different kettle of fish. It’s not that the guy who lacks experience being topped doesn’t understand this because, for real and on the forum, there are again a lot of bottoms who are more than happy to share their experiences, both good and bad and I’d never say that having access to the experiences of others doesn’t go a long way to allowing an inexperienced guy to decide which role he’d prefer to be in.
I just don’t think that they’ve really given any thought to how the dynamic can really work… and it’s not always the way you’d prefer it to. Cityman tells me about the push back he gets when he does, indeed, wants to be topped… and the guys he’s surrounded himself with just flat out refuse to top him; they’re bottoms, first, foremost, and always and he asks me why they won’t use their dicks and like they’re supposed to be used.
And the only answer I can give him is that either they believe – or have been made to believe – that they’re “lousy” at topping or otherwise believe that they can’t top… and even they’re not supposed to change horses in mid-stream. In similar discussions with Cityman, I’ve asked him, “What happens when two tops or two bottoms find each other interesting enough to hook up?”
If you buy into the whole M2M top/bottom thing, logically, nothing can happen because these guys have locked themselves into a singular role while dismissing the fact that something could happen if two tops found each other “irresistible” or two bottoms did; the thought here – and it probably sounds a bit insane – that when it comes to sex, someone always has to be “the guy,” and someone always has to be “the girl” – and, as always, I don’t mean any disrespect to any woman reading this – it’s just the dynamic everyone knows about, like it or not.
If a guy settles into a particular role because he’s tried them all, well, I can understand that because nothing teaches you better about what you like and don’t like than actual experience… but I remain a bit flummoxed to make sense of how a guy “understands” this without one lick of experience and even basing their decision on what other men have spoken to or, gasp, what they’ve seen watching gay porn.
And maybe, just maybe, things M2M have progressed in a way where a guy doesn’t really need any actual experience? See, I know that there are guys who have, indeed, wondered what a woman feels when she’s getting boned and, by extension, what it would feel like to be boned himself… and somewhere in his thoughts, he just decides that should he have that first M2M experience, it will be as a bottom – and I’m just not able to confirm that this is really the “legit” mechanism outside of some inexperienced guys saying, “I think I’d like this more than topping.”
What I’ve come to understand is how rigid these roles are and how some “dedicated” bottoms, when asked, will tell you in no uncertain terms that they know for a fact that they wouldn’t want to top a guy and they sure as hell wouldn’t like it… and when they’ve never topped a guy or has been asked to. Tops aren’t all that different in this school of thought; they know, without any doubt whatsoever, that they wouldn’t like being topped and they’d never want to be topped and no power in this whole world could convince them to be topped…
Which also explains how totally surprised a dedicated top or bottom can be when they find themselves in the opposite role… and find it to their liking despite their thoughts otherwise. That’s about the time when the waffling begins: It’s not something they’d do all of the time but, sure, with the right guy, they’d engage in topping or bottoming.
And I just wonder what the hell is really going on in their minds about their adopted roles and why they’re of a mind that one role is “better” than the other and that it’s not possible to literally go both ways and within a sexuality whose hallmark is having the ability and desire to go both ways.
End of the day, this is one of those things that, in a way, I do kinda understand… and don’t. If a guy has gone both ways with another guy and has decided on which role best suits his needs, okay, that makes a lot of sense to me… but to decide on a role with zero experience makes me wonder how a guy can be so sure that his chosen role is gonna be the one that’ll best suit his needs and, by extension, why a guy would and can decide that once he picks his role, it can’t be changed or, at the least, interchanged with the other roles.
Life is full of examples of people making decisions that are not based on experience, like eating sushi, for example. People think it’s just raw fish and, ew – not gonna like that, let alone eat it! But sushi isn’t just raw fish and a lot of it isn’t even fish – it’s veggies and even if it is seafood, it’s seafood that has to be cooked before it can be served. Ah, but some “sushi haters” get convinced to try a California roll and, what do you know? That ain’t bad at all! And, yeah, some take that leap of faith and give, say, a piece of sushi topped with tuna… and find it to be quite delicious when it’s not cooked. And, oh, yeah, if you’re a sushi hater, I gotta mention that sushi isn’t about the fish or whatever – it’s about the rice.
Anyway, I wanted to get this off of my mind even as I continue to work on this “mystery” in the background. I am very much aware that how guys today go about things M2M is very different from the way guys went about it in decades gone by; we learned what we liked/disliked by doing – the mechanism guys today use to determine their likes/dislikes is unknown or, at the least, uncorroborated and undocumented other than guys saying, “I know this is what I want to do with another guy…”
And maybe that’s all that’s needed here in the 21st century.