An acquaintance and I had just finished spending some time sucking each other off and we’d been kinda lying there, breathing hard and grinning like we stole something when he suddenly asked me, “Have you ever been doing this and asked yourself what the fuck are you doing?”
Okay… perhaps I expected him to say something – but it wasn’t this! “Sure; I hear that little voice in my head asking me that from time to time.”
“Even the first time you did this?” he asked.
“Not that I recall,” I replied, wondering where this was going.
“I did, and it was very disturbing,” he said with a shudder. He didn’t say anything else; he just laid there staring at the ceiling for a few moments before suddenly leaping off the bed and announcing that he needed something to drink and asking if I wanted something.
I didn’t think much about it at the time because guys can bust a nut and get pretty weird afterward… but I learned that he wasn’t the only guy who, after his first experience, asked himself, “What did I just do?” I also learned that when you’re the one giving a guy his first experience, it’s a good idea not to leave him hanging when this question slams into his thoughts and the negative feelings start to present themselves and because I’d learned that a lot of guys, during or after their first time, tend to ask themselves this question, I started to make it a point to actually talk a guy out of doing what he was telling me he really wanted to do. All along, I set my mind to the task of figuring out why this happens and, importantly, how to make that first time guy feel… less shitty about what he just did.
We talk about the feelings of guilt behind doing it with another guy and, for some, it’s a major shock to the system and one that makes sense… and not so much when you consider that the guy who is now feeling some kind of way about having slept with another man didn’t really do anything that he didn’t want to do. In an earlier scribble a few days ago, I mentioned the refractory period and how the depletion of those biochemicals that makes us horny can turn around and make us feel pretty shitty… but then there’s the more obvious source, that being guys aren’t supposed to do this with each other.
I bring this up – and maybe even again – because, here one day after Bisexual Day, the world is full of people who think that bisexuals are mindless sex fiends who never think about what they’re doing or how it affects – or could affect – other people. Bisexuals do think about what they’re doing or what they want to do and those thoughts can and do make them feel some kind of way and, I’d suppose perhaps “worse,” some of the things that can pop into their head at the most inopportune time, oh, like when you’ve got a mouth full of hard dick and the lusty beast inside of you goes from being deliriously happy to getting kicked to the curb because your traitorous mind decides it needs to have a question answered.
I spent a lot of time thinking about the mechanism of this; that such things come up during and after the fact was a given because even I’ve experienced hearing that question in my head and I had to learn to ignore it or, as I’ve said to myself, “You know what the fuck I’m doing and why – I’m busy so let me get back to you later!”
Everything I could find and think of led right back to one thing, that admonishment that men aren’t ever supposed to have sex with each other that gets hammered into us… and even if a guy was never subjected to this particular hammering, it’s something a guy winds up hearing along the line. It’s confusing in that we hear and know about this prohibited thing just like we know that there are guys who do have sex with other guys, bringing up the question that if this is supposed to be so unimaginably bad, um, why are there so many men in the world doing it?
It’s one thing to ponder this as an intellectual exercise… and something else when you’re in the position of doing this forbidden thing – and because you want to or otherwise have a need to do it – and now you’re pretty much asking yourself a “stupid” question and all because your conscious mind is very much aware of the fact that you and “Aaron” are doing – or just got finished doing – something you weren’t supposed to do.
It’s a conditioned response in that if you do anything that you “know” you’re not supposed to do, you just feel badly about it even though you will eventually get around to justifying it because, sometimes, to do something good, you gotta do something “bad.” Now, it’s said that the only situation where a negative can turn into a positive is in math but outside of that, doing a negative thing – like sucking your boy’s cock – cannot possibly be a positive thing, right?
The shock to one’s mental system can be rather profound as the “Jiminy Cricket” that lives in our head starts asking questions about something that should be kinda obvious. What did you just do? Um, well, before you decided to bring this up, I was satisfying a sexual urge I had… and how is it that you live in my head and aren’t aware of what I’m doing from one moment to the next?
If the cricket asks the question while you’re doing it, uh, what does it look like I’m doing? Why are you asking me what I’m doing when (again) it’s pretty fucking obvious what I’m doing… and I’ll ask you again how it is that you don’t know what I’m doing and why I’m doing it?
Guys who experience hearing the cricket chirping in their head want to know how to shut the damned thing up and, as far as I know, there’s no way to really silence it. Why does it show up? We’re conditioned for it to show up; how do you shut it the fuck up? Again, you don’t – you just learn to not pay any attention to it and more so when you’ve determined and justified that whatever you’re doing is something you, again, want and need to do.
Guys worry a lot about what other people would say about them if they knew about this when the “person” they’re really gonna have to worry about – and deal with – is themselves and if you don’t know how your own mind can fuck with you, well, this situation will definitely take you to school and teach you how you can truly become your own worst enemy.
With another guy having his first experience, I’d spent a couple of days talking to him about it and, yeah, trying to talk him out of it; he asked me why I was doing my best to talk him out of doing something he knew for a fact he had to do; otherwise, he’d never be at peace with himself and his feelings.
“I don’t doubt for one moment that you really need to do this,” I said. “But I also know that at some point, you’re gonna ask yourself one of two questions – what am I doing or why am I doing this… and when one or both of those questions pop into your head, chances are good it’s really gonna fuck with you so, sure, it makes sense to me to try to talk you out of doing this to save you some mental anguish.”
He said that he understood that but I could tell by the way he said it that he didn’t think such a crazy thing could or would happen to him and I knew it was because he was very determined to experience a blow job with another guy. I said something like, “Okay, don’t say that I didn’t warn you…” and we got into it.
And right in the middle of it all, he stopped, sat up, looked at me and asked, “What are we doing?”
I was expecting this and there wasn’t anything to say – I just gave him my, “Told you!” look – and if he had dismissed my warnings before things got going, he was very much aware of it now – but now it wasn’t about finishing what we started; it was about making sure his head didn’t explode from being unexpected crammed full of a conflict.
It sounds insane to have this land on a guy when, in his mind, there’s no doubts (or few of them) that this has to be done but like I said, it’s a conditioned response and one that even if it doesn’t affect a guy right away, he’ll hear the cricket chirping on and on about how he knows he’s not supposed to doing this and, worse, he’s not supposed to like it as much as he’s liking it. True enough, some guys hear the cricket and are able to ignore it right away… but that’s not all guys and this particular moment can really fuck with a person and because, like I said earlier, it doesn’t make any sense to feel very shitty over something you’ve convinced yourself you wanted to do.
Some guys don’t hear the cricket while they’re doing whatever; they’re totally focused on what’s going on, literally feeling their way through it, having fun with it… then they bust a nut and what I call that “moment of total clarity” arrives… and now Guilt and the Cricket are bitch-slapping them very hard and in stereo… and not because of anything they really didn’t want to do… but because they know they weren’t supposed to want to do it, let alone actually do it.
To say it’s a bitch doesn’t begin to describe it and I’ve seen and heard of guys getting physically ill when confronted with all of this; some guys eventually get over it and when that happens varies too much for me to say “exactly” when they do… and some guys never really recover from the mental beat-down they get after the fact.
Again, people think that bi guys (in particular) are no more than slaves to their sexual desires and that we just throw it down with other guys mindlessly and indiscriminately and without using our big head… and I’m the guy who will tell and remind folks that this really isn’t as true as you’d like to believe. One of the consequences of our actions is having to deal with ourselves and the sure knowledge that by satisfying this particular sexual urge, we’ve totally disregarded all the warnings, admonishments, and the Old Testament doom and gloom “You’re gonna burn in hell for all eternity!” stuff.
Outwardly, there might not be any signs of a guy going through this but they are feeling and thinking it… and now it becomes a matter of whether or not they can mitigate the guilty feelings. It’s why some guys have that initial experience… and there’s no second experience; they know that all they did was satisfy what was to them an incredible urge but they can’t mitigate the guilty feelings although some guys might think that this is some kind of inability to justify what they did when, in fact, they justified their actions before they actually got around to doing whatever it was they wanted to do.
There’s just no easy way to deal with this except to find some kind of way to not let your conscience fuck with you. I will say it again and again: Guys think that the things they have to worry about are all external things and that’s not gonna be the thing they really have to worry about. The “enemy” in this isn’t public opinion – the “enemy” is… ourselves and now it’s a thing of determining and deciding whether it makes sense to be bent all out of shape over something that they wanted to do and, keep in mind, it’s not as if they had no idea about what it is they wanted – needed – to experience.
As I like to say, the psychology is fascinating…