Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: The Pulse

One of the things I like to do as a bisexual man is to see what other bi guys (and curious guys) are doing and thinking and to compare what I know against whatever information I can pick up on just to be sure if I’m still on the same page with other like-minded guys. It’s fun and it’s quite educational for me to visit the bi guy forum and see all the new guys signing up – with or without experience – and to see how the current members are dealing with their sexuality… or not.

Today’s visit provided a thread by a guy looking to bottom which, in and of itself, I don’t find all that unusual nor do I find it unusual for a guy to have, ah, specific requirements for this, like the other guy being in excellent health and can be trusted. While several of the members jumped in with the pros and cons of condom usage – and in the sense that you can’t always trust them to be a good, um, containment vessel, the thing that stuck out to me was the trust thing and as in what does this mean?

We say a couple of things about this, that trust must be earned and not just given… but in order to gain trust, one must give trust. Given that we – men – have had a long history of being untrustworthy, I find this requirement to be interesting in that guy’s looking to dive into the M2M pool seem to be asking for a “guarantee” of rightness and from a subset of the species that’s not known for this most elusive quality.

If ya don’t believe me, go ask a woman about trusting a man and listen to everything she has to say about that. It’s not to say that all men are untrustworthy – and in whatever context that might mean – but, yeah, we’ve got a bad rep in this department.

Yeah, this is yet another one of those Mr. Right versus Mr. Right Now things and guys being, perhaps, too picky about the other guy they want to have sex with.  Trust is a judgement call, even after you’ve managed to collect all the information you can about the other guy so you wind up trusting that you can trust him to be who he says he is, that everything is as right about him as it appears to be and, yes, that he’s gonna do you in the way he said he would and the way you want to be done.  The thing is that shit doesn’t always work that way because people are not only different, we can be one way right now and a totally different way two seconds from now.  We speak in terms of sexuality being fluid and, it seems to be, totally and completely discount or even ignore how fluid people are.  Yes, we strive to be consistent in whatever we do but we’re not always as consistent as we’d like or ever think we can be.  Our thoughts are so fluid and so are our moods and that fluidity can be affected and impacted by external things and, yup, sometimes those external things come into conflict with our internal stuff and, doubly yup, it can put the issue of trust in doubt.

So when this guy said that he wants to bottom for a guy he can trust, man, I wish he had been a bit more specific about what that meant to him.  It seems that a lot of guys are of a mind that Mr. Right Now is someone who cannot be trusted and I’m not sure I understand their thinking along these lines because, um, Mr. Right Now, more often than not, can be Mr. Right but if you believe that Mr. Right Now is some shady, devious, lying, back-stabbing son of a bitch, well, um, what makes you think and/or believe that Mr. Right wouldn’t be like that?  Oh, yeah, that trust thing again, huh?  Yes, you should be able to “trust” that the guy you’re looking to deal with has the qualities you desire but methinks that if you can’t trust yourself, well, you have a problem.  Sometimes, you gotta go with your gut feeling and with most people, their gut feeling is more accurate than what their mind can be; you can think that “Gary” has all the qualities and other qualifications that meet and/or exceed your needs… but your gut is saying something very different.  If you engage with “Gary” based on what you thought and ignore what your gut was telling you, when “‘Gary” turns out to be something other than what you thought, where’s the issue with trust here?  Is it with “Gary” or does that lack of trust really lie with you?

The guy who wrote this post – and like so many other men are saying – said that he’s having a hard time finding a guy to top him even though he lives in a city that, at least in my opinion, ain’t what I’d call a “dick desert.”  The truth is that where this guy lives, there are probably way too many guys who’d be genuinely willing to fill his ass with cock and cum… but when you start nitpicking things, you greatly reduce your chances of finding a guy you can truly resonate with and now this situation is akin to the old saying, “Water, water everywhere – but not a drop to drink.”  It’s like wanting steak but you can only afford hamburger (which, by the way, can also be ground steak) and you’re just being so extraordinarily picky that you don’t want to admit that hamburger would satisfy your hunger just as much as a steak would.  But guys are, seemingly, now very much into instant gratification:  I want what I want and the way I want it and nothing else will ever be good enough and while this might be all well and good because, you know, you deserve to have exactly what you want, it still seems to me that thinking like this is a damned good way to make sure you never, ever, get dick.

Period.  There are guys who have been sitting on the bench for years waiting for that one guy they can trust but they’re also unwilling to expand what this means to themselves and, again, to really trust themselves.  Sure, no one likes making a mistake in these things but I maintain and submit that if you never make a mistake, you never learn how to make things right.  On a different topic, a member was talking about his quest to find Mr. Right and, for him, that meant turning down any guy who seemed to be Mr. Right Now… but, now he was wondering why he wasn’t getting the dick he so very much craved.  I pointed out to him that if one doesn’t check out Mr. Right Now, uh, how do you know he couldn’t be Mr. Right?  Yes, it’s a chance one winds up taking but, again, it’s not as much of a thing of trusting him as it is trusting yourself to make the best decision you can make.

Trust isn’t instantaneous; trust has to be built over time but it seems that some guys are treating the trust issue in the same way they deal with attraction:  If it doesn’t happen immediately and instantly, then it’s no deal and, I dunno, maybe this is easier than taking the time to find the attraction in the other person and if the “chemistry” isn’t there right away, well, it can be worked on just like everything else can, oh, like trust, for example.  Bi guys want it to be “perfect” each and every time and that’s just pie-in-the-sky thinking that doesn’t quite jive with reality.  We have expectations and it seems that if a guy doesn’t or can’t meet those expectations, well, perhaps, he cannot be trusted or even shouldn’t be trusted… but can anyone really and truly live up to the expectations of others?  Hell, can you live up to your own expectations?  We all try to… doesn’t always work that way so now we’re back to the trust thing, i.e., we trust that the other guy is gonna do his best in whatever we need him to do with, to and for us – and we trust that we’ve made the best decision possible for ourselves.

And if you never put yourself in a position to get this particular ball rolling in the first place, guess what ain’t gonna happen?  With my finger gently on the pulse of male bisexuality, I see things that I find disturbing in that while we expect women to make getting with them a fairly difficult thing to do, some guys appear to be borrowing that inherent female difficulty and using it to make decisions that, at the end of the day, finds them not getting the M2M sex they want.  Now, I understand the concerns women have that makes getting with them hard to do and, yes, it’s a trust issue but when you’ve had guys just abuse the trust you gave them, well, sure, it makes it pretty damned hard to trust another guy going forward.  And that makes sense… what doesn’t make sense is a guy who has never, ever had sex with another man behaving in this manner or if another guy has never betrayed your trust, why are you behaving this way?  If a guy is instantly or automatically not trust another man – and, believe me, that actually makes sense because we know good and damned well how we can be when it comes to sex – then, um, exactly what the hell are you doing wanting to trust someone who, historically, could be untrustworthy?  Kinda doesn’t make sense, does it?

Someone asked me what I thought was the biggest hurdle faced by bisexual men and my answer was that we make this shit harder to do than it needs to be; we set the bar ridiculously high as well as entertaining unrealistic expectations; we seek “perfection” in something that is, by its very nature, imperfect.  We let our fears stop us dead in our tracks and assume that all of those fears will be realized the moment we wrap our hand around another man’s cock – and we fear being displeased and disappointed just as much as we fear displeasing someone and disappointing them.  It remains true, however, that if you don’t do a thing, you cannot fail at doing it… but if you don’t fail, you never learn how to do it without failing a whole lot.  The pulse says that male bisexuality is alive and well but, perhaps, running a little fast and all because, again, we’re making this harder than it has to be and as long as men keep doing this in their pursuit of M2M sex, a whole lot of guys are never gonna get to play with a dick and no matter much they want and need to do this.

 

Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: The Path

In often hushed conversations, we talk about what two men do when they decide to get naked and have sex with each other.  In somewhat louder conversations, we talk about the issues, including mental and physical health.  In a cacophony of voices, we debate whether or not bisexual men really do exist; they question the motives of bisexual women who, allegedly dangle the word bisexual before men and in the form of bait or simply a bald-faced lie as well as whether or not bisexuality is a true sexual orientation or it’s just a way point on the road to full homosexuality.  Researchers do their best to study, to identify, to qualify and quantify; science brings the scientific principles to bear and apply the tools of their respective trades to look for the source of this behavior and even to the genetic level within the double helix known as our DNA.  Some say it’s biological and speak to the potential that exists within all of us while some say it’s social and that life’s pressures – as well as a disregard for morality and its norms – is the culprit for this sinful behavior.

The things we don’t talk a lot about are why someone decides that bisexuality works for them and how someone winds up on the path.  One of the reasons, I think, is that while many can find themselves walking this path, the devil is in the details and if you asked one hundred bisexual men about the how and why of their choice, you’ll get one hundred answers that, at first, doesn’t seem to have any… uniformity or, trying to find better words here, it seems as if everyone’s reason is unique and lacks a type of consistency so that we can use a blanketing approach and say that all men are bisexual because of this or that element or method.  We can point to things like youthful experimentation; we can point to events like the scandal the Catholic Church is still trying to sweep under the rug (and, apparently, not for the first time).  I’ve heard it said that the recent accomplishments made on the political front where the growing alphabet soup of the LGBT community has had an effect in lessening the angst toward homosexuality and this is allowing these alleged bisexuals to jump on the bandwagon and in greater numbers and this is despite some in-house fighting and discussions about the validity of the “B” in LGBT.

Cityman, in his opening statement for one of our many conversations asked, “So, what is that enables men to go from cock aversion to cock positive and carefree?”  In many ways, the question is somewhat rhetorical because, as one such guy, he’s made this transition and he knows, obviously, exactly how he got to where he is now on the path – that and we’ve had this particular conversations hundreds of times, not because of a lack of understanding on anyone’s part but because it’s such an interesting thing to talk about and more so when, these days, there seems to be a lot of men stepping onto the path but, curiously, aren’t really sure why this path has gone from something they don’t think about to becoming a nearly all-consuming and somewhat obsessive need.  Adding a bit more intrigue to this question are indications of men deciding to walk this path – but many without, ahem, prior experience – and displaying a sense of certainty of what it is they wish to experience at this point.

Just how does a guy go from, “Ew – that’s some nasty shit!” to “Man, I had no idea what I was missing all this time!”?  Again, the devil is in the details and one of the things researchers have a problem with is finding enough men (in particular) who are willing to sit down with them and tell their stories so that they can find a focal point or some other commonality that they can point to and say, with a high degree of certainty, “Aha! This is why bisexual men are bisexual men!”  Certainly, youthful curiosity, which often leads to experimentation, can be pointed to although I’m not sure it’s understood just how the idea or though to do this appears in the first place.  We grudgingly accept that it happens, that it’s not really all that unusual for young boys to develop an interest in sex and experimentation is off and running and that particular trigger could very well be linked to the moment our testicles descend into their proper place and we’re now on our way to puberty.  It must be mentioned that not all boys experiment with other boys; some do limit their early experimentation to girls or they don’t experiment at all because, well, that can kinda get you into trouble – I’m sure you’ve all heard the warnings and admonishment about this sex thing, right?

Sometimes, it begins with a question:  What is it like to suck someone’s dick or to get screwed?  I don’t know of too many guys who haven’t asked a gal this question and if she answers, the best she can offer is, “I dunno… it feels good…” or whatever their opinion of this sex thing is.  Sometimes the question/answer lingers in the back of their minds, sometimes it’s asked, answered, and forgotten since, “It feels good” isn’t a very detailed answer and some have equated this to trying to describe color to someone who can’t see; it can be done but it ain’t easy.  We can, in part, point to instances where men and their interactions with women, um, don’t quite go well; I’ve seen and heard many times how some guy who has some issue with women go through the gamut of negative emotions and because of this, wind up on the path; some guys ask another question, like, “Is this all there is to it?” and they know it isn’t because, as I’ve written more times than I care to think about, there aren’t too many people who don’t know that there are men who have sex with other men and if they don’t know this, it’s because they haven’t found out yet.

Some guys wind up on the path and can legitimately blame it on the alcohol, which is well-known for lowering inhibitions; in some men, other life issues can open the door for a guy to wind up on the path, i.e., depression, frustration, grief and, to some extent, anger.  Under these conditions, it’s not like a guy experiences these things and says that he’s gonna go suck a dick as a “cure” for these things… but for a lot of men, everything just lines up in the right way and at the right time and something like the bro-job happens.  Some guys are just curious – period.  They become aware of the conversations about homosexuality and, at times, just wonders what the big deal is other than what’s obviously being said about it.  There must be something to it because if there wasn’t, there wouldn’t be so many men doing it to each other, right?  Doesn’t mean they’re suddenly gonna run out and find the answer to this… but it also doesn’t mean that some guys won’t think that doing some further investigation is, indeed, warranted.

This is one of those things where thinking and doing aren’t the same things; a guy can have some thoughts about this – good, bad, or indifferent – but that’s usually not enough impetus to nudge a guy onto the path.  There are some events that will just shove a guy onto the path but it also seems that there are things going on in the background – in one’s subconscious – that are hard at work and building in strength… and things that our conscious mind isn’t even aware of.  As I’ve said, there was a time when I’d say that a man just does not wake up one morning and decide that having sex with another guy is a good thing to do… and I’ve since recanted this because, apparently, it’s quite possible that this is what can happen and is evidenced by a huge number of men asking, “Why do I have this urge to suck cock?” – but it’s something that happens over time and all that’s needed is something to trigger a guy from though to action.  We wonder just how a guy just seems to know that doing this simply makes sense and as if there’s some logical progression at work and if a guy speaks about this and is asked why, all of a sudden, he wants to do something like this, the answer usually boils down to them just having a feeling… but they have no idea where this feeling came from.  In my opinion, I think we can point the finger at the subconscious, that sneaky bastard but I’ll be damned if it can be definitely proven.

Nothing else seems to make sense, though.

Even though turning thought into action is pretty damned scary – and I’m probably understating this a bit – should a guy get triggered to act or Mr. Murphy shows up in the right place and time and gives a guy a good shove in that direction, a guy will have an experience and he’ll either like it, won’t like it, or even be unsure about whether he liked it or not.  Some guys try it and, yuck; some guys try it and have an epiphany – God only knows how many men I’ve personally heard say that it wasn’t as bad as they though it was and asking why they waited so long before doing this.  Then it’s all about narrowing down that which they like doing – and before I forget, I must mention that some guys try it, find it not to their liking, vow to never do it again… and do it again and I think that their subconscious waves its mysterious fingers and points out to the guy that, hey, you know, just because you didn’t like it that first time doesn’t mean that, if you give it another guy, you still won’t like it.  Indeed, some guys have a less than stellar first experience… but the second one?  Wow… just wow.

The problem comes up when we get conflicted:  We’re thinking and/or doing something that, historically, is seen as being as wrong as anything can be… but if this is true, why does doing it make so much sense and, importantly, why does it feel right?  I remember asking Cityman, during a conversation some time ago and along this same topic of discussion, if he had noticed that when he sucked dick for the first time, he just knew how to do it.  He thought about it for a moment and allowed that, yeah, it did seem like he knew exactly what to do and even allowed that he knew this because, duh, it’s not like he’s never seen a woman blowing him before and, double duh, there’s a guy in the middle of sucking his dick so figuring out what to do is kinda like a no-brainer.  Or is it?  Sure, this explanation makes a lot of sense but how does a guy who has never had oral sex figure this out?  Ah, you might be thinking that porn is the easy answer and you’d be right in that “if you can see it, you can do it” kind of way… but that doesn’t explain how a guy who hasn’t watched porn (and for whatever reason he hasn’t) also just knows how to do something he’s never seen or experienced before the moment he gives in to the urge to do it.

And if all of this is giving you a mild headache, you can probably imagine what it does to those people whose job it is to figure this all out and make sense of it.  Homosexuals have long insisted that they were born this way and that choice had nothing to do with it… and they’re partially right, I think.  We are all born with the potential to do this and thanks to evolutionary process, like the famous flatworm experiment where a flatworm was taught a trick and once it had it down pat, it was dissected and fed to other flatworms who could now perform the same trick taught to the late-lamented original flatworm.  We’re more complex than flatworms, of course, but there’s the fact that way back in time, two guys somehow got together and had sex with each other and it just kept going until it became a part of our makeup – those first men learned the “trick” and the rest of us have learned it as well but that’s where choice comes in because, sorry gay folks, you do choose to act on your feelings or not but it’s such a “natural” thing that choice doesn’t seem to play a part – it just makes sense.

When we look at sexuality, it’s not always about what we do:  It’s all in why we do what we do.  What drives us, what conditions exist or are happened upon that are powerful enough to break our social conditioning and set us on the path of doing something that’s morally reprehensible and, to many, just down right nasty?  The path has always been there and many have walked upon it prior to bisexuality becoming a hot-button topic.  We talk about what – all that cock sucking and ass fucking – but, clearly, we need to look to the why and how of this.  How does a guy who says that there’s no way in hell that he’d let some dude suck his dick one day find himself getting sucked off by a guy… and loving every moment of the experience?  How does a guy who’d say that he’d fight to the death to keep himself from getting fucked in the ass “suddenly” have a change of heart and mind and determine that having this experience is just what the doctor ordered?  How does anyone go from, “I’d never do some shit like that!” to “I can’t get enough of doing this shit!”?

In the here and now, we have more questions than answers but in order to understand the path, we must keep asking the questions and looking for the answers although, at a high level, it’s probably just easier to say that people are bisexual because they can and want to be… but you should know how we are – it’s just not enough to accept such a simple answer because there’s got to be some other reason that explains this…

 

Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: Playing the Game

As men, we’re used to playing “the game” with women, striving to prove ourselves worthy of them and in every way imaginable.  One of the things I’ve been seeing in the world of M2M is a similar game being played between men.  Once upon a time, when a guy wanted to have sex with another guy, he’d gird his loins, approach the object of his lust, and ask him if he’d be interested.  The other guy would say yea or nay; if yes, they’d go somewhere and do something – but if no, well, that could get interesting but more often than not, it was pretty embarrassing and depending on the guy you asked, um, it could be painful and I don’t mean emotionally.

Once upon a time – and with the exception of some gay men – guys interested in sex with other guys weren’t quite looking for a boyfriend but, okay, if the dick was good, perhaps we can get together again at some point but if not – and because life has a way of just fucking up a thing we want to do – that’s cool, my man – we had fun, didn’t we?  Indeed, a lot of men jumped onto the M2M wagon because they saw that while you had to play a bit of the game to get into a guy’s underwear, it wasn’t nearly as involved as trying to pick up that hot looking babe sitting at the bar or asking the woman you see everyday where you go to lunch if she wants to go out this weekend.  Among younger men, it was as simple as asking, “Hey, do you wanna do it?” and as long as the guy you were talking to wasn’t one of your enemies, it would either happen or it wouldn’t… well, it might not happen right at that moment because some guys did want to do it but they were just afraid to do it at that moment.

The game began to get… complicated.  Instead of a couple of guys getting together and doing whatever they felt comfortable with doing, guys started getting more specific about what they wanted to do and who they wanted to do it with; some guys seemed to have never learned that you can get more flies with honey than with vinegar and their version of the game was along the lines of them having the right to bone the daylights out of you any place, any time, and they weren’t gonna accept “no” as an answer.  I always thought that this aggressive mode came from a couple of things, one, how it’s comparatively easy to bed a guy versus a woman and, two, the assumption that if you liked playing with dick, then you should never, ever turn down a chance to play with one – and the assumption was, in part, warranted because, sure, once a guy found out that playing with a dick was fun, now it’s all about playing with as much dick as one could get away with.

In that segment or time space, it wasn’t about being a good-looking hunk, having a stunning personality, a good job, a car, etc.; things went from, “Hey, let’s do this because it’s nasty and it’s fun!” to “Me Tarzan, you Boy – you bend over and spread cheeks – me give it to you real good and you can’t say no!”  Then HIV/AIDS came along and changed the face of M2M sex; now a guy had to be more careful about the dicks he played with; it wasn’t good enough that a guy was energetically willing to ditch his boxers for some illicit sexual fun; now guys had to be looked at in greater detail and more so when, um, it wasn’t unknown for men to lie like a rug in order to get someone to have sex with them, right?  Somewhere along the line, it began to make sense that if you could find one guy (maybe two for variety’s sake) who you could trust to be healthy, well, wouldn’t that be a good thing and lessen the chance of something bad happening?

Sure it would!  Now the rush for having a fuck/jerk/suck buddy or, really, a FWB, was on.  The guy had to be interesting enough to be friends with and if they indulged in some hanky-panky every so often, well, what are friends for?  The bro-job, well, that’s a slightly different animal; FWB kinda implies what the benefits are while the bro-job is “merely” helping a guy out when he’s in great need or, in case of emergency, blow me, dude!  While it’s easy to confuse the bro-job with the FWB status, uh, let’s not get them confused because you really don’t have to be friends with a guy to give/receive a bro-job – ya just gotta be in the right place at the right time and under the right conditions.

Then guys started getting picky; it wasn’t enough that you knew there were guys who, um, wouldn’t object to some guy-on-guy fooling around; it wasn’t enough that you could befriend a guy and the friendship develop to the point where some fooling around kinda/sorta made sense – I won’t tell if you won’t, okay?  Indeed, a lot of guys were getting clowned for having a bromance with another guy; they got along so well that they just had to be doing each other! Not always true but as you’ve known me to say, perception is often believed more than the truth.  Men started to get really and seriously specific about the kind of man they’d want to have sex with and, I’d have to say, almost on a par with how picky women can be – but not for the exact same reasons.  Nope – now if a guy wants to get with a guy, there’s a hard-set criteria the other guy must meet along with the mandate of an immediate emotional connection; if you’re not gonna be into me, don’t bother to talk to me.  If you’re not the right age, body type, have a nice butt and a big dick, just keep moving.  And, oh, yeah, if all you wanna do when we meet is get naked and have sex, that’s gonna be a problem; we should be able to hang out and do other things that has nothing to do with having sex.

Where in the past guys would prefer to avoid anything that remotely resembled a relationship in the traditional sense, more and more men seem to be insisting on those conditions and, yeah, even the guys who’d tell you that they couldn’t have a “real relationship” with another guy.  The specter of exclusivity is hanging out big time and what was something that didn’t require any monogamy in the mix now seems to require it… and with all the emotional impact that goes along with it, namely, if you’re sleeping with me, you’d better not be sleeping with anyone else and the only exception here is if one or both guys are married to women because, you know, that bit of business still has to be taken care of lest you wanna face a woman’s wrath and all that.  Guys are now assuming that the once convenient FWB thing is more like a committed relationship and the game is afoot big time and, at least in my opinion, making it harder for a guy to get some dick today than it was at any time in the past.

Some guys play the game to the point where it’s so complicated and exacting, it makes trying to get a woman into your bed look easy.  When a FWB offer in on the table, it’s not just a matter of convenience for two like-minded guy; nope, now we’re talking dating and in the traditional sense; we’re talking about setting conditions and requiring guarantees of fidelity if you wanna get at this dick/ass and, I might add, all under the guise of ensuring one’s safety and health.  Which is all well and good, mind you but not the whole truth of things.  Even my protegé often “complains” that there are a lot of guys who act more like women these day in that they’re super picky, they put a lot of conditions on the table, and exclusivity is both expected and required – and right along with meeting exacting physical requirements.

It’s not that NSA sex between men has gone away – it’s still quite alive but, I think, now taking a backseat to a bigger objective in the game; while there was a time when two guys weren’t of a mind to make their sex “relational,” – let’s keep it casual and without all that drama – now it’s all about it being relational (and with all the drama included) and being casual about it, well, ain’t gonna happen, homey; I actually heard a guy say that he respects himself too much just to have sex for the sake of having sex and most guys these days do say that if the sex isn’t going to have any meaning, they’d rather not be bothered… so guys are playing almost the same game with each other as they’d submit themselves to trying to get a woman (for sex or a relationship).  And guys are being silly about it, to make things worse (and for lack of a better word).

I heard of a situation where two guys were having a long distance relationship and only seeing each other maybe once a year.  One guy had a royal hissy fit because he thought that his distant lover was cheating on him and having sex with local guys and that really and seriously upset him.  Now, ya might be thinking, “Well, what’s the problem?  Sounds like he had a beef with the other guy!”  And I hope you didn’t think that because, as it turns out, the guy having the hissy fit about his distant lover cheating on him has been, in fact, hitting the dick with a great deal of regularity.  Yep, you read it right:  Homey was getting bent about his distant lover cheating on him… while he was cheating on his distant lover.  And as crazy as that sounds, here’s the thing that gets kinda overlooked, i.e., if you’re not in a relationship with someone, how can you cheat on them?

And keep in mind, I’m not talking about a gay man having issues with a bisexual man – I’m talking about this happening between bisexual men.  See, with women, the game is usually cat and mouse or, perhaps a bit more accurately, a game of chase; but this thing I’ve been seeing between men, again, doesn’t resemble the game of chase we play with the ladies and, as I’ve allowed, has changed the face of the game between men, from making it a stupidly easy thing to do to making it almost impossible to play and is, most likely, the main reason why there are so many men sitting on the bench and waiting to get into the game:  They’re not gonna do it unless exacting, precise, and conditional requirements are met and/or exceeded and without exception or additional negotiation; we’re either gonna do it this way or not at all.

This version of the game has gotten so… muddied that there are a lot of guys moaning and groaning about not being able to find a guy to play with; while some guys do live in a “dick desert,” it seems kinda impossible that a guy could, say, live in New York City and not be able to find a single guy he can have sex with both easily and discretely.  But when you add in these “new” elements to the game, yup, now it makes sense why some guy is saying that he’d kill to suck a dick but he can’t find a dick to suck… and that’s because these guys are playing the game with the bar set so high that they could be in a room filled with guys who like sex with guys… and they couldn’t get any dick.

And I’m wondering if it really and truly makes any sense to be playing the game like this.  I often have a hard time trying to figure out why a guy would say that he wouldn’t – and couldn’t – date another man… but he’s not gonna sleep with another guy unless they do, in fact, date each other and if they do, say, meet for a beer, coffee, whatever, it is somehow implied that there will be no sex at the first meeting… unless there’s some instant chemistry and maybe not even then.  And if this sounds familiar, it should – it’s the same thing we go through when we manage to get a woman to go on a date with us and the conditions that she will set for that first date.  They say that in the time it takes for you to walk up to a woman and say,  “Hi, are you ready to go?” she’s already made up her mind if she’s gonna sleep with you or not.  In the M2M version, there’s a push to avoid the casual nature of such a decision, not without certain guarantees and getting through some seriously nitpicking details; for example, I once heard of two guys who would be perfect as FWB… except it didn’t happen… because one guy didn’t have the required and mandatory nine-inch, uncut dick with shaved pubes and balls.

The game we need to be playing with each other in this is a game that provides a level of trust and safety but also makes it easier to get the dicks out, get them hard, make them soft, and repeat as necessary… and that’s not what we’re doing.  The game used to be so easy and you had little trouble finding a guy who’d want to play with you and with few conditions, oh, like, don’t cum in my mouth, don’t stick it in my ass too far and, most important, I won’t tell if you won’t since, you know, appearance/image is everything.

It now reminds of that “Application for Sex” joke that tends to pop up every now and then… except men aren’t joking about filling out that application fully and truthfully and even if you do, chances are your application will be rejected and further negotiation of terms will not happen.  At this point, I don’t know – or I’m not sure – if this is a good thing or not.  Is it good that there are more men willing to play with another guy’s dick?  I’d say it is… but is it good for us to play the game in a way that we pretty much guarantee that playing with another guy’s dick isn’t going to happen… and getting some dick is what we feel we need in our lives?

 

 

Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: Well, Why Not?

A member of the bi guy forum asked a question along the lines of why do some bottoms refuse to top?  It’s a good question and off the top of one’s head, it can be said that they don’t want to top or, simpler, it’s their preference.  Some guys have been known to try topping and bottoming then decide which thing works better for them and if there’s no clear “winner,” well, let’s do both!  For some guys, it’s a “submissive” thing – but not, I think, in the BDSM sense this might appear to be.  Some guys get tired of always being the man in sex – the one initiating it, calling the shots and subject to performance pressures (you’d better be damned good every damned time or else!) and it just works for them that when they throw down with a guy, bleh, they don’t wanna be bothered with that and it’s just better that they’re the ones doing the pleasing, from giving head to getting creamed.

Now, it’s not that some bottoms won’t switch roles and top a guy – and I’d say it depends on the guy they’re with – but it also seems to me that once a guy decides that being a “total bottom” is what he wants and needs to do, changing his mind about it is just out of the question.  Some guys might start out being a top… right up until it’s time to stick it in and, oops – no more boner!  It’s also true that the moment some guys slip on a condom, bye-bye wood – see ya later!  I’d guess at this point the logic says if you can’t keep it up to get it in, be the one who’s getting it put into you.  By the way, I think I know why the first thing happens… I gots no clue why the second thing does, though.

It’s a preference, of course, and to fully understand what all of that entails, well, you’d have to ask a “dedicated” bottom; I’m thinking that if you asked ten bottoms about their preference, you’d get ten different answers – but answers that might also have some similarities.  Some guys feel that being all bottom, all of the time just fits their personality better… but the OP had also asked if the refusal to top could be because it’s gross and/or risky.  Well, um, sure one can easily say it’s gross given the primary purpose of that area, right?  And since we know this, we’re also aware of the risks, most of which can be set aside by using condoms so maybe – just maybe – some bottoms are of a mind that if they only bottom, they avoid these things but, um, sticking a dick in there can still be seen as gross and even with the use of condoms, there’s always the risk of rectal tearing and even friction burns due to inadequate lubrication and really big, fat dicks.

A couple of guys replied that it just gives them the greatest pleasure to give the other guy pleasure and I thought, “Well, what if the thing that would give the other guy a lot of pleasure is you giving him the high hard one?”  I’ll have to remember to return to the forum and ask this particular question.  One guy did say that he has a special guy who he’ll top but only if he’s on the bottom (and being ridden) – but position has nothing to do with this; it’s all about who’s taking the dick and who’s giving it and if you’re on the bottom and the other guy is going for a ride, dude, you’re topping.

Some members said that they like being “the girl” in this arrangement or, like one guy said in a similar topic, “Fuck me like the bitch I am!” Indeed, a lot of bottoms are more in touch with their feminine side and bottoming, for them, also include wearing the appropriate lingerie and other forms of cross-dressing.  Does this make them more gay than bi?  Um, no; it’s just that when it comes to M2M, they’d rather be the girl and some guys find the cross-dressing fetish rather satisfying and as a guy told me years ago, “Nothing makes me feel more manly than wearing a nice pair of lacy panties!”

Uh, okay…

In the whole top/bottom dynamic, the one thing I’ve seen a lot of here lately are guys picking a role and sticking to it without exception, like, it never occurs to them that they could change their mind under the right situation and, perhaps, it’s more like this is what you’ve chosen so you gotta stay with it.  I recall having this conversation with my protegé, who’s a top and insisted that he could never bottom.  I asked him what I thought was a good question:  Do you think that you could find that at some point, you’d actually want to be topped?  He said no… and some time later, wound up recanting because he got with a guy and he did, indeed, wanted to be topped (and had big fun, too).  I’ve heard that some guys – and for some reason – don’t believe they’d be good at topping a guy; certainly, this seems to be a confidence issue but I’m thinking there’s more to this because those same guys don’t seem to have any problem screwing women.  One guy told me that he didn’t think he’d be good at it and I had asked him if he ever tried it… and he said that he hadn’t; of course, my next question was, “Uh, if you’ve never tried it, how do you know you wouldn’t be good at it?” So maybe being just a bottom “saves” them from being told by the other guy that he can’t fuck worth a damn?  I really don’t know.

Ya might be asking why any of this matters… and it does when we – society – are trying to figure this whole bisexual thing out and more so when it’s not so much what we do as it is why we do it.  Like, I know that there was a time that if you were, um, a really chubby kind of guy, you automatically got relegated to the bottom role; likewise – and this might sound crazy – if you were the guy with the smaller dick, you got to be the girl.  If you appeared to lack masculinity in any way, yup, you’re on the bottom, dude – now, bend over and spread them cheeks!  Today, this no longer seems to be the case or maybe even not so much because bottoms come in all shapes and sizes and, uh, some bottoms have bigger dicks than the guy topping them.  End of the day, it’s all about what floats your boat but I do think that it’s good that guys like the OP asks questions like this even though there’s no definitive answer.  Indeed, it’s why a lot of newbies ask about topping/bottoming, sucking cock, being sucked, swallowing, etc., because a guy can’t make a decision without having some information… but as in all things, there’s no greater teacher than experience.  Some guys come out of the gate thinking and believing that being a bottom is what they’re meant to be… until they get that first dick in their booty or run into that guy who doesn’t give a fuck that it’s their first time and their backside gets a serious beat down that, at least in my opinion, no first-timer should ever be subjected to.

I’ll probably revisit this somewhere down the road but for now, this is my take on the topic…

 

Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: Alternatives

One of the comments I got on “TBT:  What Are They Waiting For?” came from fellow blogger Oceanswater and, in short, she offered up a hope that her hubby was sucking dick because, I guess, he’s lost his ability/desire to have sex with her.  My response to her comment was, “It’s not unheard of…” and because it isn’t; some guys who have untreated, unresolved, even incurable sexual issues have found that being a bottom for another guy – or turning into a master cock sucker – seems to be a logical alternative or maybe even a last-ditch thing that will allow them to continue to participate in sexual activity despite whatever’s keeping them from doing it with women.

Until I had a chance to chat with a guy who was in his mid-60s, I admit that I never gave this a lot of thought, if any at all.  Sure, I knew that there were guys who, for whatever reason, were dissatisfied or had issues in having sex with women and they decided that checking out guys for sex was an alternative they had to check out.  I never met the man I talked to but I will never forget him; one, he fairly impressed me with his attitude about a lot of things and, two, he taught me something – or made me more aware of something – I never thought about.

I was a fairly new member to that site I like to riff about and he had sent me a note; I replied to his note and the next thing I knew, he was telling me how he went from a normal, virile, married man to an older man, suffering from ED and having had his prostate removed to ward off prostate cancer.  He was telling me that he rarely got hard and in those times that he could, he could orgasm but not ejaculate; he had said something along the lines of after his wife had given up on having sex, he had turned to men for sex and, in his words, “Because I had to do something!”  The thing about this man that stuck out to me was despite his physical ailments, he had said – and his written words conveyed a sense of defiance to me – that he could still suck dick, could still enjoy having his dick sucked even though nothing would happen, and his asshole worked just fine and he had no issues with allowing and wanting men to fill him up with dick and sperm.

I was impressed with him big time and I suppose the fact that he shared with me his date with three guys the day before and that he took them all on at the same time added to my being impressed.  I remember saying to him at this point, “Wow… I’m impressed!” and he had replied – and I could sense there was a shrug in his words – that, hey, it was better than no sex at all, wasn’t it?  I found myself agreeing with him – something is better than nothing at all.  I think I chatted with him a couple more times before I didn’t see his profile on the app any longer; I’m not sure if he got removed for inactivity or, if that was the case, his death made him inactive.  What it did do was make me aware that I was talking to guys who either suffered from performance anxiety and/or various stages of ED and how those guys felt that embracing sex with men wasn’t ever an alternative for them… until it became one and, again, perhaps out of necessity.

And, wow, there seemed to be a lot of them.  One guy I had talked to told me he had suffered an accident and injury to his crotch that had stolen his ability to get an erection and he said that even though the accident robbed him of his ability to have sex with women, he became a quick study in cock sucking and taking dick in the ass and he had even said, just like the older man I had talked to, “It was better than no sex at all and I don’t regret it.”  He had said – and just as other men I had talked to about this particular thing – that prior to his accident, he had never given sex with men any thought.  I think I remember asking him what had pushed him in this direction – did some guy proposition him or something like that – and he said that he was sitting around one day feeling sorry for himself because he wanted to jerk off but, of course, his dick no longer worked like that; he said that the more he thought about that – and the fact that his desire for sex hadn’t gone anywhere – it suddenly made sense to have sex with other guys.

Indeed, a lot of guys I’ve talked to over these many years just seem to be able to make this leap of logic and over these many years, I’ve never been able to put a finger on how this just seems to happen even in men who are not having issues.  I’ve thought that it’s no secret that there are men who like/love having sex with other men and I figured that if there’s a guy who doesn’t know this, he’s not old enough yet to know about it.  I thought that a guy hears about this in some way and they just file it away somewhere in their minds and just like any other piece of information they come across that gets processed, filed, and no more attention is paid to it… until, mysteriously, it dusts itself off and now the notion of having sex with another guy somehow just makes good sense.

Researchers talk about latent homosexuality; the short version is based on the premise that everyone has homosexual tendencies and that some are right up front while, in others, it just hangs around unnoticed until something comes along and triggers it into activity.  It doesn’t imply that everyone is really homosexual; it just speaks to the potential that those researchers think is encoded into us over eons of evolution – but a potential that gets shut down or even deflected via our social programming/conditioning that says, um, no – you can have sex with the opposite sex but not with the same sex, okay?  That people seem to be able to bypass this conditioning and get all same-sex freaky isn’t much of a surprise but I’ve felt that this latency does explain a few things and probably does explain how a guy who has been “faithful” to the conditioning is able to make that leap of logic and decide that playing with a dick makes sense – and then, after taking the plunge, to many, it just feels normal and natural to have done it like that.

It’s the mechanism of how that leap happens that just continues to escape me; it’s that thing that seems to appear in men with good and healthy sex lives with women out of nowhere and, indeed, even made me change a viewpoint I had, i.e., a guy doesn’t wake up one morning and decide that having sex with a guy is a good thing to do… and, apparently, um, that’s exactly what happens;  in the intervening years, I’ve conversed with a great many men who, for reasons they don’t understand, have awakened one morning and with an incredible and irresistible urge to play with another guy’s dick… and they have no idea why.  There are guys I talk with on the bi guy forum who suffer from degrees of ED who have found that having sex with other men fits the bill quite nicely and especially – or particularly – those guys who are bottoms.  There are the guys who have been made celibate by women who are no longer interested in having sex and while those guys could, if they wanted to, go find a woman who would be interested, again, for some reason, they’ve decided that having sex with other guys would best fit the bill.

I’m not saying that turning to the bi side isn’t a viable alternative… but I am saying that I don’t fully understand how a guy figures that out and more so when there’s nothing wrong with his sex life or, hell, even if there is something wrong with it.  I do understand that I’m one of the many men who have never actually experienced this… transition because we got into this early on in our lives so, yeah, maybe because it’s something I’ve never experienced, I have no personal point of reference for it – and I can accept that… but.  I’ve been “studying” why guys suddenly get an urge to play with a dick for a very long time and, well, I’m stumped; I’ve heard so many reasons over the years and while there are many similarities – curiosity, a lack of success with women and even becoming “bored” with sex with women only – my best guess on why this seems to be a logical, sensible alternative (and when it wasn’t before the fact) is that there is some latency going on and it’s just a matter of whether it gets triggered into activity or not… and it’s quite possible that while I am aware of and understand some of the triggers, I don’t know about all of them and, again, that trigger or event that does make some guys wake up one morning and decide that today is a good day to suck some dude’s cock or whatever has popped into his head upon waking.

Hell, I don’t even pretend to understand how guys who have never had sex with another guy seem to know that given the choices of being a top, versatile, or bottom, being a bottom is exactly what the doctor ordered.  I know that porn can influence a guy but what in the hell influences a guy who doesn’t watch porn?  I dunno… and I suspect that I will never know.  What I do know is that while male bisexuality seems to have “suddenly” exploded onto the sexual scene, that’s not really the case; it’s just a matter of it now having more exposure than at any other time and, I think, courtesy of the Internet.  It not only makes porn (and in its many forms) more available but the Internet has made the world a smaller place, allowing us to be able to reach out to others and no matter where they are in the world.  I’ve had discussions with some folks who insist that male bisexuality is something new under the sun and I’ve told them that, nah, it just seems that way because being male and bisexual wasn’t new even when I discovered I was bisexual and I’ve invited them to go Google “famous bisexuals” and they’d see that there were male bisexuals of some import running around way before my parents – and my grandparents – were born so, nope, nothing new about it.

But what researchers are trying to figure out is exactly why a bisexual is bisexual; what’s the mechanism that can take someone from not even thinking about it to, holy shit, I gotta do this and the sooner the better!  Yes, yes, yes; I’m sure everyone has heard of the stance made by homosexuals that they’re born this way and that choice doesn’t play into this at all and as much as I “hate” to admit it, methinks they’re partially correct – we are born this way… but we do choose to act or not and even if a person feels that being able to go both ways is the thing that makes the most sense to them.  Guys have asked why they feel such a strong and powerful compulsion to take on this alternative – which is pretty damned scary since this compulsion seems to come out of nowhere – and I’ll be damned if I can explain it outside of it just happens like that.  Again, it leads me to think that this aspect of human sexuality is a product of our evolution and to the point where it’s been hard-coded into us and, for some, just waiting in the wings for the right moment – and whatever the fuck that means – to go live and then in a way where the whole thing makes perfectly good sense.

I’m no expert in this – I just know what I know and I’ve always wanted to be able to make some kind of sense out of why this is a sensible, logical alternative when we’ve all been told and taught that it should never be an alternative… but I also think that the reason we’re taught this is because it’s always been known to be one…

 

Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: What Are They Waiting For?

There aren’t too many times where I visit the bi guy forum and see either an old post being commented on or a new one that’s been created about what it’s like to suck another man’s cock (and swallow his seed).  Every time I see this come up and see guys writing that they wanna do this but haven’t, I ask myself, “Well, what are you waiting for?”

The question is kinda rhetorical because some guys do speak to why they’re waiting, what they’re waiting for, and even who they’re waiting for.  They talk about their concerns and concerns centered on the potential health risk, something that’s very real but, goodness, a lot of guys act as if they’re gonna catch something simply as a matter of course.  To this end, someone had quoted the CDC and their position that today, the chances of a guy catching something nasty is less than four percent; not exactly zero but given the number of potential male cock suckers that exist – and estimates are in the millions, four percent is pretty low when one considers that this number used to be frightfully higher… like double digits higher… like damn near epidemic proportions higher.

Guys hit the forum and, wisely, I think, ask what it’s like and many experienced cock suckers jump in and share what it’s like for them.  One of the things I know and I’ve seen is that it’s not easy putting what it’s like to suck cock into words other than, “It feels good!”  I’ve allowed that how it really feels, outside of being subjective, just defies attempts to be described with mere words so, as such, it’s not easy to tell a guy wanting to know what the deal is what goes on in one’s mind when mouth meets cock and sperm winds up flowing.

Some guys say that sucking cock makes them feel dominant while many say that it make them feel deliciously submissive; today, one guy commented that it makes him feel girly and that’s a wonderful feeling for him.  As the topic tends to do at times, there was a bit of men versus women mentioned but at least to me, that’s to be expected but as I commented today, I don’t know too many guys who haven’t, as some point, wondered what it was like to suck dick and/or have asked a woman what it’s like.  Again, a guy can get all kinds of input about this, both good and not so good because the cock sucking experience is subjective – more “eye of the beholder” than anything else but, um, if you really wanna know what it’s like, there’s no better way to find out than to get off your ass, set any fears aside, and go suck a dick.

Methinks the number one reason why many of the forum’s membership is on the sidelines waiting to get in the game is not being able to find someone they can do this to… but I don’t think this is really the case because even though there are areas of the US (in particular) where there’s not what anyone would call a great selection of candidates, it’s not that they can’t find a willing dick to suck but a matter of some of them not wanting to do the work in order to find said willing dick.  I know – and because many guys share this information – that they are sitting and waiting for a particular or specific guy and based on criteria like age, ethnicity, physical fitness and, yup, cock size is, unsurprisingly, quite high on the list of requirements.  Whenever I read a guy who hasn’t taken the plunge yet talk about how he’d like his first time to be with a big dick, I kinda chuckle (or roll my eyes) and think that if they knew what I knew, um, they might wanna rethink this a little; it’s one thing to watch any kind of porn and see cock suckers on the screen working over huge dicks (and some making it look stupidly easy)… it’s something very different trying to consume a thick, ten-inch cock and its owner is of a mind to fuck your mouth like it’s pussy.  Some guys find out the hard way that while sucking on a huge dick looks nice on the screen and is hot to think about, um, well, hmm – it’s not all that easy and it’s not fun to have one’s gag reflex provoked.  True enough, some guys might not be all that picky about cock size so if they run across a monster dick, it’s merely a challenge for them and one that they’re willing to undertake… because it’s a dick to be sucked.

When you ask a guy what he’s waiting for, one of the things I’ve noticed is such a guy rarely mentions that he’s just afraid to go for it.  Some guys are afraid that they’re gonna like it, some afraid that they won’t like it and for reasons I don’t really understand (but know about), some guys are afraid that someone is gonna find out that he broke down and sucked a dick, you know, like he does it and now he’s somehow broadcasting to one and all that he broke the taboo and gave  a dude some head.  Realistically, unless the other guy rats you out to someone you know – or you really fuck up and get caught in the act by someone you know, the only way someone else is gonna find out that you sucked a cock is if you tell them you did.   Yeah, such a fear might sound silly but to many, it’s very real because one might not know what it’s like to give a guy a rousing blow job but they do know about the potential backlash that’s associated with such an act between men.

Every now and then, a guy will confess that the reason why he’s riding the pine on this one is because they’re not sure how to suck a dick or worried that they won’t be able to do it to the other guy’s satisfaction.  It speaks to something that I think is a legit concern:  A guy can worry about this because getting his dick sucked isn’t the same as being the one doing the sucking and most guys on the receiving end have some pretty high expectations and even from someone who is on the precipice of having their first try at doing it.  Now, some first time guys prove to be surprisingly good the first time they give head and I’m thinking it’s because they are determined to do this and do it to the best of their abilities.  Indeed, a lot of guys practice on dildos and, yes, even with bananas and, spectacularly, with cucumbers.  It is, most certainly, good practice for the real thing… and still different.  Working over an inanimate object and one that you have total control over is easy but when it comes to working over a living cock, well, shit can get interesting and, if for no other reason, a dildo isn’t going to start pumping gooey sperm into your mouth at some point and a cucumber or banana isn’t going to grab your head and go bat-shit crazy just before introducing spunk into your oral cavity.

Still, it’s not as if a guy wanting and waiting to do this can’t find these things out from other men who have taken the plunge and, indeed, obtain some very good and helpful information as well as learning how this didn’t quite work out the way someone thought it would.  So when a guy has taken in all this information, um, the question remains:  What are they waiting for?  Sigh… I’ve been of a mind that cock sucking between men has gotten too… specific.  Like, it’s not enough to just locate a willing dude; it’s become so conditional – the right guy in the right place at the right time and unless those conditions are all met, nothing happens.  It’s one thing for a guy to say that he had a chance to give his first blow job but, shit, just couldn’t bring himself to do it – but this is to be expected.  But when I see a guy saying that he passed on sucking his first dick because, say, the other guy’s dick wasn’t big/fat enough or the guy admitted to not manscaping his crotch or wasn’t old enough, young enough, “fit” enough and even lacking skin pigmentation or having too much of said pigmentation, wow, and you still think that women are really funny about sucking dick?

At times I feel sorry for all those guys who so very much want to suck cock but keep coming up with more reasons why they shouldn’t than having reasons why they should.  Granted, it’s not for everyone and the acquired taste thing doesn’t just apply to spunk.  I understand just how damned scary that first time can be and while there are those who feel that men who suck cock are just a bunch of sissy-assed bitches, those same people don’t know or can appreciate how much manly guts it takes to put a hard dick into your mouth and suck on it until it spills and softens.  To the men who’ve said that they wanna do it – they need to do it – but just can’t seem to, I tell them that while this is very understandable, sometimes, ya just gotta say, “Fuck it…” and do it; if there’s some regret in any of this, I think the biggest regret is knowing that you could have done it but you didn’t and not so much that you did it and maybe found it not as much to your liking as you thought it would be.  No matter what some people think, sucking dick is one of those things that you just don’t know whether or not it’s for you and/or it’s all it’s been made out to be…

Until you do it.

 

Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: The Expanded View

It was a dark and stormy night… no, wait, that should be, “Many moons ago…,” as I really began to wrap my head around the whole bisexual thing, I realized that I could now see things from a different perspective, i.e., there’s the way I was being taught to look at the world and then there were the things I wasn’t being told that made creating my worldview kinda easier and allowed me to see some things that didn’t make sense… but also piqued my curiosity to look into them to find out why they weren’t making sense.

At one point, I had asked myself that if hadn’t been bisexual, would I have seen things the way I do now?  Would I have eventually seen them as I gained more life experience?  Or would I have seen them and not paid much attention to them?  Where am I going with this?  Be patient for a few and perhaps you’ll see what this is about.

It was brought to my attention that a gay man made a comment somewhere along the lines of that in the LGBT alphabet soup mix, the B’s and T’s have a harder time with things than the L’s and G’s.  As I understand it, the gay man went on to offer up what was, to me, a bit of bashing and what also seemed to me to be a rather insular – but not unexpected – view of the social angst toward sexuality as a whole and as a “secondary effect,” how some folks of the L and G persuasion kinda look down their noses at the B’s and T’s of the world; the gay man even suggested that a bisexual man’s interest in women could merely be just a passing fancy…

Or just another way for a homosexual to tell a bisexual that he’s really gay and he should stop being in denial about his gayness and join the gay brigade.  Well, I called bullshit on this (and as I usually tend to do) because while here in this country everyone is entitled to their opinion about this or that, one of the reasons why sexuality is slow in being more widely accepted is this… insular mindset that even here in 2018, still has people upchucking rhetoric I heard way back in 1969:   Pick a side and stay on it.  The thing about this is that’s what most people tend to do although it’s preferred that one picks the heterosexual side of things and stays put…

Yeah, like that was really and always gonna happen because if this was true, we wouldn’t be having this conversation – everyone on the planet would be quite heterosexual.  One of the things that stood out to me about the gay man’s comments was him saying, “Yeah, but…” a lot which is an indication that, intelligently, you accept and/or agree that what the speaker says is the truth as they understand it… but you’ve got your own POV on that truth.  See, it continues to baffle me that bisexuals (in particular) are still being looked at as if we’re some kind of weird aberration – we shouldn’t exist and the only way some find to explain our existence is that we’re going through some phase while trying to find our sexual identities or, as the gay man offered up, our heterosexual side is a passing fancy and one we effect because we’re expected to engage only with women and will do so until we eventually embrace our gayness and walk away from the much sought after and very delightful pussy and their insane owners.

What baffles me is how an educated man can maintain a belief in something that can’t be true and even when presented with evidence that what you think/believe can’t possibly be true… then again, I would suppose that when you develop your worldview based on a limited purview – in this case one should only be straight or gay – then it’s pretty easy to not be able to accept the fact that there has always been a third option.  Ah, but the plot gets a little thicker when you consider this:  In my experiences – and in particular those with gay men – I’ve found that if they decide that you’re good in bed (and otherwise a decent sort), then their contention is that I should just give up fucking (and fucking around with) women and embrace my true sexual identity.  It occurred to me that what was brought to my attention was really more of the same except with the added bullshit that bisexuals don’t really exist.

The reason why the B’s and T’s of the world are having such a hard time being a B or a T is that everyone else – including the L’s and G’s are making it hard and out of a continuance of a behavior we’ve always displayed:  If you’re not with us, you’re against us and you will get dealt with in some way.  In this case, bisexuals are being subjected to the same prejudicial bullshit that homosexuals were once subjected to; the T’s, well, I get why they’re having a hard time with things and more so since it’s something I have a hard time getting my head around but at least I’m willing to accept that if this is how you see yourself, okay – go for what you know and good luck.

There was a time, way back in the darker days, when Blacks weren’t seen as being real humans… despite the obvious fact that other than the color of their skin, well, they were human.  We were guilty of sticking to a particular viewpoint despite the evidence of our own eyes which, in this situation, just had to be lying to us.  There was a time when homosexuals were seen as an affront to nature itself and whatever gods were believed in; it was even classified as a mental illness that had to be cured and, again, with the abject denial of the facts before them, namely, homosexuals do exist and, oh, yeah, it’s not a mental illness after all.  Likewise, masturbation was seen as a sin (the fact is it never was a sin) and, like homosexuality, was seen as a mental illness to be cured… and in the fact of the fact that, um, people were masturbating furiously and hoping they never got caught; the “cures” would make Torquemada cringe and piss himself.

We have shown a tendency to believe perception over truth – it’s just the way we are and always have been.  It’s been my belief (and I know that I could be wrong) that being bisexual and dabbling around in both sexual worlds gives one an expanded view of the things we either take for granted – or believe to be true when it’s not really the truth.  We believe that sexual identity isn’t a choice re the long-held position by some in the homosexual community that they didn’t choose to be homosexual and they were born that way.  The truth is that we were all born this way and evolution has made sure that this trait has been deeply encoded into us at the deepest levels; the wrinkle that even I have a hard time pointing out to homosexuals (in particular) is that you cannot escape choice or you can’t do shit about the way you feel… but you can choose to act on those feelings, not because you have no choice but to act  but because it makes sense to you to act on those feelings.

Or not.  We have held onto the believe that there are only two choices to be made in this:  Be straight or be gay and that there’s no middle ground and despite the documented fact that the Doctors Kinsey proved there is a middle ground (and even today, that’s being disputed and for reasons I don’t pretend to understand).  I was reminded of something the great fictional detective, Sherlock Holmes, said:  “Once you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, no matter how improbable, must be the truth.”

We know – or should know – that the nonexistence of bisexuals is impossible; otherwise, what in the name of all that’s holy are we fussing about?  We can be of a mind to believe that bisexuality is improbable or, really, we just have it in our heads that one can and should only be straight or gay so anything else “doesn’t make sense…” but such a sense of improbability doesn’t change the fact that bisexuality is a real thing – it is one of the many truths about us as a species.  So it makes sense (no, not really) that when faced with something that contradicts that which you believe, well, it can’t be real and, once again, human habit makes us stick with what we believe and very slow to accept the truth:  Bisexuals exist and, yes, bisexuals have issues just like everyone else does – what else is new?  As a bisexual man, do I have a harder time with things than a guy who is either straight or gay?   You might think that I do… but I don’t and I’ll tell you why I don’t:  I don’t buy into the bullshit that’s being flung all over the place about bisexuality.  I’m aware of it – how could I not be aware of it? – but whether it impacts me in a negative way depends on me – I decide whether or not I find this… mindset about bisexuality bothersome or not – and I don’t.

It’s not my fault if someone cannot or will not accept what I say is the truth about me or, as Earth, Wind, & Fire said in one of their songs, “If you don’t understand me, that’s your fault…”  I’ve been of a mind that the explosive growth of bisexuality is upsetting a lot of worldviews, you know, like bisexuality just appeared on the scene out of the clear, blue sky… and even that’s not true; it’s just a matter of a higher degree of visibility than ever before.  Again, when something comes along and challenges your beliefs or that which you think you know, I dunno, I guess it’s still human nature to reject it out of hand even though there’s plenty of evidence to support, in this case, bisexuality.  I often wonder that if I can see this via an expanded view, how come it doesn’t seem like no one else can?

Or, perhaps accurately, why no one else wants to accept the truth in this?  Bisexuality, despite its name, is much more than just having sex; it’s a way to step of out the boxes we tend to find ourselves in and see the world and our existence in a different way and, as I tend to discover, in ways that a lot of people over a huge period of time would prefer us not to be aware of, let alone accept.  Some experts are saying that being monosexual – that’s being either straight or gay – doesn’t seem to be the way we evolved to be and that we have our social contract and belief in religious dogma to thank for these singular points of view so, yeah, sure – if you believe this, discovering that there are people who are straight and gay – but neither in a singular sense – well, doesn’t that just kinda fuck up your day?

Some folks look at this issue, throw their hands in the air, and then state that, okay, if someone wants to go both ways, that’s on them and it’s not something that they’d choose to do.  And that’s fine; invoking “not in my backyard” isn’t a rejection of the truth – it’s just a position statement.  One of the things I’ve learned via my expanded view is that there are really a lot of people who just don’t give a fuck if you’re bisexual or not… as long as you ain’t trying to get with them.  But I also get the sense that bisexuality, in and of itself, is being seen as a threat to the L’s and G’s and everything that they believe in so, sure, let’s bash it and in every way possible and, oh, yeah, just like we were bashed when we fought – and sometimes died – to prove that homosexuality is a very real thing.

It seems that something else is true:  Those who fail to learn from history are doomed to repeat it.  We – the various societies – tried to demonize and eradicate homosexuality and the truth is that they failed.  Today, we are trying to demonize and eradicate bisexuality in similar ways… and it’s failing and even faster than the attempts against homosexuality failed.  You don’t have to like it and you sure as hell don’t have to be a participant if if doesn’t fit your needs and goals… but why can’t the truth be accepted?  We – bisexuals – aren’t the red-headed stepchild nor are we the ones in denial about what we are.

Whatever remains, no matter how improbable, must be the truth and to see the truth, we must see with better eyes and a willingness to expand our views from outdated and inaccurate information.  Or is it just me who sees the sense in this?