Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: Pride

One of the seven deadly sins. It goeth before the fall… yet, we are encouraged to take pride in what we do and who we are. But we’re some weird critters in that we see sex as both a shameful thing to partake of while recognizing, for the most part, our need for it. We hide what we do; we hide who we do it with and, in this context, we continue to have the eye-rolling behavior of dissing a part of what it means to be human.

Been seeing a lot of Pride stuff here and there and that’s a good thing but, being from the old school and all that, if you’re not quite straight, it’s nothing to be ashamed of since it’s a given that you’re not the only one who isn’t all that straight. We are raised to own the things in our lives, to adapt ourselves to a great many things and as quickly as possible because we know that the world, on the whole, isn’t going to slow down and wait for someone to get up to speed on what it can mean to be alive.

I thought, “I was proud of my sexuality before it became a thing…” and despite what all the old heads were saying about being prideful or even getting a “big head” over your successes and no matter what you succeeded in. If you’re not going to tempt fate and engage in some pride about who and what you are, is anyone really gonna do it for you? Is anyone else supposed to instill a sense of pride in you when, supposedly, you’re capable of figuring this out yourself?

Depends on a lot of shit but it’s not like I don’t understand what Pride is all about – I do. It’s telling anyone who cares to pay attention that no matter what you think about those of us who aren’t straight, we are here and among you and your… primitive and outmoded thinking isn’t going to make us go away or stop us from celebrating our lives and this aspect of our lives, too.

The old heads – those remaining folks of the generation before mine – have a hard time getting their heads around this sexuality thing; the folks of my generation had a… breakout moment when we started shouting loudly, “If it feels good, do it!” – and then was going about doing it and with great gusto and much to the chagrin to those who were of a mind that we were just… unholy and highly immoral to be having sex – and engaging in relationships – way outside of what was still considered to be the norm.

But the one thing we learned is that we can be… prideful about being bisexual without being publicly demonstrative about it and it’s a thing that many of us still do because even with the greater exposure Pride has brought to the table, there are still a lot of people who think we’re the weirdos and, sometimes, worse that gay folks, because we’re neither straight nor gay.

A mentor told me that we should always celebrate our successes, not only on the job but in life as well; Pride is both a… demonstration as well as a celebration; events taking place all over the globe shows everyone that, again, we are here. We are among you. Some of us are pretty obvious while many more of us aren’t so obvious.

And we aren’t going anywhere. I felt myself nodding to think about this… then I almost got a bad case of the giggles to think, “Hey… since you can’t beat us, why don’t you join us?” I held off the giggles because I know that there are a whole lot of people who are, in fact and in deed (if/when they can), joining us because they’re refusing to keep being suppressed and shamed for being the way humans have always been throughout the entirety of our existence.

Slowly but surely, we are letting go of being afraid of what we are; we’ve quickly become sick and tired of those who keep trying to shame us and make us the bad guys because of what we are. Bisexuals are the new rebels with a cause, taking up the “rebellion” where homosexuals left off and, by the millions who attend Pride events, letting the very terminal Moral Majority know that they are, in fact, a dying breed and like change tends to do, is leaving them in the dust because they continue to hold on to a mindset that is, every single, being proven to be outdated, outmoded, and inaccurate.

Whether anyone attends a Pride event or not, we should all be proud of what we are and whether anyone else knows it or not. Does being bisexual make me feel some kind of way… and in that negative sense? Hell, no – why should it? Oh, that’s right – the people who think no one should be bisexual say I should feel badly about it. Not gonna happen. Ever. In this, I have the advantage of coming to terms with all of this way, way before all the current drama got started and when the focus of societal angst was all on homosexuals and, yeah, anyone who appeared to be – or even falsely accused of being – gay, fairies, queer or just not straight.

We are no different from anyone else; we work, pay taxes, so on and so forth but with the one real difference being that when it comes to intimacy, bisexuals don’t pick a side or, ha, we’re more… equal opportunity in these things.

And proud to be. Because it doesn’t make any damned sense not to be proud of yourself. We talk about the need for acceptance of bisexuality and Pride is visible proof that if no one else is gonna accept it, we do. And we do it every single day and not just when a Pride event is put together. Every day. Everywhere. We are among you and we’re not going anywhere… and with Pride events, we have the nerve to let you know this. You’re not gonna see all of us but in this, if you see one of us, you’re seeing all of us because the one’s you see at events aren’t the only ones who are bisexual. And if you think, “Shit… that’s a lot of people…” you’re right – and more than you could ever realize.

 

Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: The Sin of It

Time to recognize the elephant in the room. Homosexual sex is a sin. Old Testament fire and brimstone stuff with the promise of a painful and gruesome death with a side of eternal damnation. And many believe this with all their heart and soul and, make no mistake, even bisexuals wind up having a major crisis of faith due to the even more major conflict that they’re feeling a way that, way, way, way back in the the day would get you stoned to death (or some other horrible way to die).

I don’t remember who said this to me but someone said, “You know that’s a sin and you’re gonna die and go to hell, right?” and I said something snarky like, “Yeah, I know it and I’ve probably gotten my reservation but the good thing? I’m not gonna be there by myself!”

Yep… that answer didn’t go over very well. Did I know this? Of course I did; knew it was a bad thing never to be done and once I started going to church and started reading the bible, I found out why it was such a bad thing. I didn’t give the person who brought this up a good impression of me with my snarky answer and by mentioning that by the time I found out why it was bad, it was too late; it was closing the barn door after the cows had long since been gone.

I learned that science and religion have never gotten along with each other and this is one of the many areas that they don’t agree on. Sex is a normal and very human thing to do whether for procreation or just for the fun of it and it didn’t take being a Mensa-level genius to figure out the… discrepancy between what science said and what religion was saying. One of them had to be wrong and more so when it was pretty clear that boys were doing it with other boys and, yep, girls were doing it with other girls. Then you toss in the whole “putting away childish things” thing and I was understanding that experimentation was greatly frowned upon but it was also expected and just as expected to go by the wayside once one reached a certain age.

Which, as a bit of an aside, is why a lot of people who’ve experienced sex like this when they were younger tend to act like what they did back then doesn’t count or mean anything in the here and now. That mindset still sometimes makes me roll my eyes because, being the child of science that I tend to be, I know – even if those folks don’t wanna accept it – that once you do a thing, you cannot ever undo it so acting like it never happened is, um, what’s a good word here?

Lemme get back to you on that one.

I remember the day I was talking to my pastor about this and after his very rousing sermon about sin and the wages of sin and with particular interest in the part of his sermon where he strongly suggested that anyone who were, ah, having sex with their own kind, repent and confess their sin so that God can forgive them. I will tell you the end of this discussion first: I got my ass in a world of trouble for questioning what my pastor and the bible said about this and I spent my two-week grounding given a lot of thought about being grounded for asking questions about something when, the reality that I understood was saying very different things.

My pastor, a man I respected very much, didn’t take offense to my questioning but as he talked to me, I did notice that he didn’t really answer my questions; all he really did was reword what the Old Testament said about it and, perhaps, thinking that I didn’t understand it as written – but I did understand it as written. I even had the temerity to point out to him – and like he didn’t know it – that the Old Testament was about Jewish folks more than anyone else so why were we – people who weren’t Jewish – obeying rules meant for Jewish people?

Yep… I’d dug a deep hole for myself and kept right on digging deeper because what I knew – and what I had been experiencing – seriously clashed with what we were being told on Sunday mornings and, of course, with what a lot of people firmly believed in. I’m sure I also outed myself to him but if I did, he didn’t take me to task for being a sinner (which is why I respected him so much) but after all that time talking to him and listening to his explanations, all that did was create more questions in my mind that needed answering. And the question I asked that really got my ass in very hot water?

“If the bible said what it says so that people will make babies, why is it a sin to have sex when no babies are gonna be made?” Yeah… talk about being too smart for my own good. I saw the flaw and got “punished” for questioning it and the source of it all. Thirteen year olds have no business even knowing about this, right, let alone being able to put two and two together to expose a very big flaw about this and more so when I knew that people were having sex and in sinful ways… a lot of people. More people than I could have imagined at that point in my life.

And I understood why homosexuals were getting their heads handed to them and for pretty much the same reason bisexuals, today, are getting their heads handed to them. Because having sex in either mode is a sin and it’s a sin because no babies will ever be made. There’s the elephant and its standing right there waving its trunk and, if it could, it’s laughing its ass off because so many of us believe in something that, in fact, isn’t so much a lie as it is a specific way to do things that has an expected and desired outcome… and anything that doesn’t lend itself to those things are a sin.

Can you say fornication? Sure you can. Who among us hasn’t fornicated? But, yep, there are those of us who fornicate with others who are, at the very least, physically like ourselves and, uh-huh, fornicate in the expected and opposite sex way, too. And, yeah, were I to call for a show of hands on this one, mine would be among the first raised. Did I just confess to being a sinner?

Yeah, I did. Am I worried about it? Worried about the wages of sin? Honestly? Kinda but not so much because everyone dies, saint and sinner alike and if there’s really a heaven or hell, well, one day, I’m gonna find out for sure. Could I repent? Give up my sinful thoughts and ways? I could… but that means going back to conforming to something that I believe is erroneous and too much like a stacked deck, if you catch my drift. I know why the rules say what they say. I don’t disagree with them so much as I am very aware of the inherent flaw in it.

The elephant in the room just nods at me and kinda winks as if to say, “Yeah, you see it… and you get it, don’t you?” I do… and I do. While the bible is pretty damned confusing and open to great interpretation people, on the other hand, aren’t so confusing in this respect. We like sex. We like being intimate with each other and in every way we can be… and including throwing the rule book out of the window… and because we can. Religion knew this and rules were put in place to prevent it and to keep us focused on making babies and doing other things the way those early religious leaders wanted us to do them – and all in the name of God and disobedience wasn’t going to be tolerated and punishment, well, yeah – it had a certain finality to it.

When I really became aware of this, I did consider that I could be 100% wrong about what I was finding out and, believe me, I’ve had so many arguments with others about this and some that got pretty ugly but all that proved to serve was that, crap – what I had learned about why these particular sins are sins was right but what everyone tended to believe? They believed what they were being told and, as such, not believing things when, duh, it was very damned clear that boys did it to boy and girls were having a fun good time with each other.

Not really in defiance of the rules and laws… but because it could be done like this and it was being done like this… a lot and so much that it had to stop… except, it didn’t. Does this mean I don’t believe in God or a supreme being? No because I do… I just don’t believe everything that religion, as an institution, says about this.

The elephant in the room, if it really could, starts laughing. Again, the science says that we are social animals and among the few species that has sex just for the hell of it and, yeah, one of the species that has developed homosexual tendencies as well and it just stands to reason that “figuring out” that there was a middle ground in this, to me, wasn’t all that surprising given how our species developed to have this higher brain function and all its added abilities that allows us to be, for the most part, the dominant species on the whole fucking planet.

I ain’t saying that the bible is lying… it’s just not tell anyone the whole story and, depending on what you believe, is guilty of lies of omission more than anything else. And, yeah… still the guy who knows how much “trouble” I can get into just by pointing this out and the good thing is that I’m not the only one who, by some means or the other, figured this out. It is… easier to obey the rules than it is to break them since breaking rules do have consequences… but isn’t there a reason why it’s said that rules are made to be broken?

All you need is a good reason to break them and the human mind is more than capable of coming up with reasons to break these particular rules and even if those reasons only makes sense to the person breaking them. We can get all into the emotions of it all; we can get into that biological imperative hard-coded into us to have sex but the real reason and the one that few people ever really give?

It’s because we can. And the rules be damned. I see so much stuff written about why people are like this and I’ve yet to read something that states we can be like this because we can be like this, you know, if we want and/or need to. Such stuff likes to point to a lot of stuff – and a lot of it socially-based or even as a result of our long-standing social contract and alleges a lot of defiance to what the social contract – re our morality – says. The real answer and the one religion will never speak to is rather simple:

We’re human. It’s the way we once were before the rules. It’s they way we can be despite the rules, admonishments and promises of eternal damnation and being made to pony up the wages of sin. It’s equally simple: You either believe this… or you don’t. A lot of bisexuals, in particular, have been known to say, “If God didn’t mean for me to be this way, I wouldn’t be this way.”

I had asked my pastor, “If God gave us free will, why do we get punished for expressing our free will in some things?”

He blinked. I’m sure he could have come up with a plausible explanation but I think I shocked him a bit to be asking questions I shouldn’t have known to ask. I got a lot older and thought back to that moment and realized that he didn’t answer my question… because he couldn’t and he couldn’t answer it without exposing the hypocrisy that’s included in any of this… and the inherent flaw and fallacy.

I didn’t get the ass-kicking I had expected to get for doing the unthinkable but I got a tongue-lashing that I will always remember for having the gall to question “the Word of God.” That’s not what I was doing; I was asking why it was the way it was because it didn’t jive with what I was learning and, specifically, about sex. I wasn’t – and don’t – question the Word of God… but I do question the word of the men who wrote it so very long ago and, yeah, in some very different flavors. I don’t ever deny that the rules, as written, do serve a purpose – they do and for a great many people.

Just not everyone. Never did. Never will. I have, at times, thrown the science at some seriously religious people and they either reject the science of our biology or say, “Yeah, but…” and the “but” is usually, “It’s a sin!” Bluntly? It’s only a sin because it’s said to be one… and we believe it until we have reason to either question it… or not believe it.

There are currently 7.7 billion people on the planet (and counting) and there are an untold number of people who aren’t playing by the rules and sinning their happy asses off, not only fornicating but having homosexual sex and going both ways in this. There’s this thing that says one person could be wrong but a whole lot of people doing the same thing? Is it possible that the untold number of people who aren’t straight – even in their thoughts alone – are, in fact, wrong?

They are if you believe what religion says… and religion ain’t ever gonna tell the whole story and most certainly will never speak about what it really means to be human when it comes to love, sex, and relationships. Religion’s way is only one way – it’s just not the only way and the funny part? We know this; we’ve always known this.

We just don’t all believe it even with all the evidence over all this time that, at least to me, proves, without any doubt, that what we believe isn’t the whole truth of things. Easier to say folks are disobedient, sinning, rule breakers than it is to admit that we’re just like this and always have been and the thing that we’ve not yet learned is that the more you try to stop people in this, the more the attempt to stop them will fail.

It’s failed before with homosexuals. It will fail with bisexuals. The elephant in the room is doing the Cha-cha Slide and dancing a jig and I’m watching it dance its ass off… but I’ve always been able to see it and to behave as if it’s not really there (metaphorically speaking, of course) doesn’t make sense.

Who knew elephants could be so graceful? As in any of this, I’m not trying to change anyone’s mind in these things; I’m just telling you something that I learned and I learned it because I had a reason to and it came in the form of a question:

“How can something that’s so bad feel so good?” I know why; went through some shit to find out why and got cussed out, laughed at, dissed, etc., along the way. I know I could be wrong… I just don’t think I am and, again, I’m not the only one who figured this out since everyone who isn’t straight also had to figure it out and in whatever way they could.

I’m just the guy who will point to the elephant in the room that’s still dancing. There’s a lot of talk about acceptance in sexuality and what’s the best way to accomplish this very necessary goal and while we can talk about it, hold referendums and all that, I’m of a mind that the institution of religion is in great need of an update… or perhaps should be “abolished” in some way because it’s not telling us the whole truth and it never did… because we aren’t supposed to know the whole truth.

Yeah… that’s not gonna happen any time soon and even if it did, as long as there is one person who believes in this and believes that not being straight is a sin, acceptance will continue to be a goal that will be hard to reach “universally.”

 

Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: The Other Side of the Coin

I saw Collaredmichael’s name a few moments ago and it reminded me that he had asked why I didn’t write about sex with women so I decided to write more about that aspect and beginning with:

It’s sex with women. Great. Magnificent. Sometimes a bit of a cluster fuck and sometimes like two ships not only passing in the night but two ships not being in the same body of water. Exhilarating. Frustrating. Nothing unusual going on here.

Ah, but I realized a very long time ago that my… penchant for having sex with men changed the way I’d have sex with women because, even if only in my own opinion, there is nothing that will teach you about having sex with women and what they don’t like than having sex with a man. Nothing.

You suck enough dick and you get to learn and understand why some women flat out hate doing it and don’t even ask them to finish it. You get fucked by guys enough and you find out two things – how good it can feel… and how fucked up it can be. So since I know that sex with some guys bears out the fact that they’re assholes, when having sex with women, my “goal” is to not be an asshole. Whether I’m actually successful or not isn’t at issue but, again, when you learn what some women universally don’t like, it pays to do your best to not do that which they don’t like.

Yeah… doing what they do like – and being consistent in the doing – is always a challenge and I think that guys who’ve never had sex with a guy can’t – or don’t – understand why some women behave the way they do, oh, like when you’re having a field day and thinking that everything you’re doing to her is rocking her world when, in fact, she’s just lying there and waiting for you to get done so she can go do what she really wanted to do or why they fake orgasms or, really, behave in any way other than having a grand time getting laid.

But, sure – sex with women is all that and then some: Why wouldn’t it be? Sure, there’s a lot of pressure to deliver and being aware of her expectations, likes and dislikes and, oh, yeah, the fact that any of that can change faster than you can blink makes having sex with women pretty daunting and then there’s always that thing about many of them when and where, for whatever reason, they just decide that they’ve had enough and no one will ever have sex with her again unless, of course, she changes her mind… but don’t hold your breath on that one.

See, there are some who seem to think that if a guy is bisexual, his total sexual focus is on sex with men and for some guys, that’s legit… I’m not one of those guys, though. I’ve gone through my life to date having people throw the “do you prefer women or men” loaded question to which, when I deigned to answer it, I’d reply, “Yes!” Or I’d have to qualify my answer by saying that, sure, I’d take the pussy… but I wouldn’t turn down the dick. Which would I prefer to have first? Whomever I get my hands on first or if she’s the closest, well, my dear, allow me to make my acquaintance!

I’ve even had some folks suggest that because I’m bisexual, I’m not a real and true lover of women and sex with them and my response is to laugh my ass off and, often, hysterically so. Some even think that I’m bisexual because of some inability to have sex with women or have suffered a great many failures in this endeavor. Um… not. Like any other guy, I either succeed or I fail – you get used to it even though failure does suck and in a very not-so-good way. And when some gay guy would suggest or insist that I just give up having sex with women, um, well, let’s just say that there have been times that my response to such a ridiculous thing hasn’t been very nice or polite.

Pussy is good even if their owners are “clinically” and deliciously insane. I make no bones about the fact that I’d rather eat pussy than to suck dick even though eating pussy is actually harder… but do I love to practice! I know some bi guys start to feel some kind of way about sex with women but, again, I’m not – and have never been – one of those guys. I have, in fact, only turned down pussy twice in my entire life, once because I knew girlfriend’s coochie was very sick and another time when my gut instinct said that having sex with her would be a very major mistake.

Otherwise, if a woman wants to have sex, I’m all for it… why wouldn’t I be? Is it about being up to the challenge? Yes… and no because if I’ve learned nothing, I’ve learned that all you can do is the best you can do and that sometimes, your best ain’t gonna be good enough. Some guys, when having sex with other guys, don’t bother to ask about… anything and even with my experiences with women, being with guys drove the point home to me that if you wanna have a good chance of pleasing her – and not making her regret her decision to let you do her, it’d be nice to find out where all of her buttons are. Not that she’s gonna tell you but if you don’t ask, you won’t know but, sure, sometimes it’s fun trying to figure out where her buttons are and she’s doing her best to hide them… and not so much fun when you can’t find them because she’s doing an excellent job of hiding them.

Like I said to Collaredmichael when he asked about this, I don’t say much about it because, to me, it’s just business as usual as far as I’m concerned. I’ve had sex with a lot of women across the country and even a bit world-wide. It’s not totally about successes and failures… it’s about doing something that I really do love and that’s being naked with a woman and doing my best to please her while enjoying the sheer intimacy of it all.

Because I’m thinking that if I didn’t enjoy it, maybe I’m really gay… and I know that I’m not and, no offense, wouldn’t want to be. I can’t and won’t give up women and pussy because I love it too much because, duh, you’re supposed to love it. I’ve wowed women… and I’ve failed to do so – c’est la vie. Learned a long time ago to not promise shit I might not be able to deliver so the only thing I’ll say to this is I will do the best I can if you’ll let me and if you’re game to give it a shot, I’m game… unless there’s a clear reason why I shouldn’t be… but that’s with anyone.

If I’ve learned anything about sex, it’s not to have a lot of expectations and that includes not even expecting to have sex in the first place. Again, sex with men has taught me a wealth of things about having sex with women and that if you can’t make love to a woman’s emotions, you’re pretty hosed where, with a lot of guys, you just have to address their lust and whatever crazy shit they may have going on in their head. It’s not easy to make love, fuck, and/or have sex with women. We know it and women know it, too.

But it sure the fuck is fun to try and chances are that if there comes a time when I wouldn’t want to have sex with a woman, you can be sure that I’m no longer among the living. You know that saying guys tend to say about a woman always having a place to sit? Yep – you want that pussy eaten? Lemme at it. I can do it several times a day, every damned day and I might not even want to stick it in you (but I will if ya want me to).

Even that “simple” thing is sheer joy to do. Back in the early days, women would loudly exclaim, “You gotta lick it before you can stick it!” and I was like, “Okay… hang on to your hat…” It’s the intimacy in being with a woman that really can’t be all that well experienced with men and, no, don’t even ask me to explain that because I can’t and I’ve never been able to. But it’s an intimacy that I love and, to be blunt, there ain’t a dick anywhere on the planet that can replace a woman in my sexual life.

Because pussy is damned good and women are a joy to have sex with even if/when I fail and I know I will so I don’t let it bother me. I don’t try to do more than I’m capable of doing and, here in my older age, eh, I’m not trying to impress anyone.

I just want that very special intimacy that only a woman can bring to the table whether she’s handing me my head or, yeah, doing her very best “dead body” imitation. The only thing I “expect” is for a woman to allow herself to be pleased and, yeah, that’s the hard part because I learned – thanks to having sex with men – that there’s a whole lot of reasons why a woman won’t really allow this. The thing, I think, that makes sex with women so… special to me is that I do, in fact, know what they know about having sex with men.

I read in a few places that not all women have a hatred for bisexual men and that many really do like the fact that the guy is bisexual and I think it just might be due to the fact that, yeah, we know about men and dicks just like women do, what’s good about it and what is so totally fucked up about it that and I think bi guys are a lot more open-minded about sex (I know I am). I don’t write a whole lot about my sexcapades with women but, yeah, maybe I should in order to provide a more… complete picture about male bisexuals. And it’s not that other bi guys aren’t fans of the coochie because they most certainly are; it’s just that sex with men is… so out of the box and so much so that there are many people who can’t wrap their heads around why bi guys love dick so much or even why they’d want to go there in the first place.

Some of that is because of sex with women – and it’s painful for me to say this but it is true and even I’m aware of this… discrepancy – how could I not be? But to give up women and pussy? Not gonna happen. Ever. No matter how many times I fail.

Way too much fun and way too intimate. Chock full of pitfalls and other roadblocks. It is what it’s always been. And, yes, I do think that anyone who doesn’t like pussy needs to have their head checked – but that’s me.

 

Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: “There’s Something Different About You…”

Wow… how many times in my life have I heard this one and how many times have I wondered how someone just seemed to know that I wasn’t like most other guys? And how many times have I responded with, “Really? What makes you say that?” or some similar response?

Okay, so, being bisexual makes me different. In the beginning, jeez, I really did think that I was the only one who was like this even though, um, no, I really wasn’t but once that notion got wipe out of my perspective, I kinda stopped thinking about myself as being different even though I was now very aware that I still was.

You just get used to being the way you are; it becomes a part of you and, well, you just don’t think about it and, early on, that included not thinking about the possibility of someone being intuitive enough to sense or “just know” that you’re not straight and you’re not gay… but you’re something else and the person making the observation isn’t sure what you are.

Some would tell me that the way I walked told them I was different and someone once said this to me and the reason they gave that gave them that thought was how long my eyelashes were. Um, okay, my eyelashes are what they are and as far as walking goes, I did undergo years of martial arts training that teaches economy of movement and, well, you just learn to move kinda gracefully instead of loping or bopping along or otherwise tripping over your own feet.

Ha, a co-worker came right out and asked me if I was either a musician or gay because I came to work wearing a brand new earring.

I was getting an education in how my body language would often just rat me out and I wasn’t aware that it was and, early on, it kinda made me cray-cray trying to either tone down or eliminate my body language which was pretty weird since it didn’t take me long to figure out that I was trying very hard not to be… me. But I could often be in one of those states where my body language wouldn’t be screaming at people and, yup, someone would eventually say, “I don’t know what it is but there’s something different about you…”

And sometimes they knew exactly what was different about me and I’ll be damned if I could figure out how they knew and when asking them, they couldn’t explain it other than to say that they just knew I was bisexual. If I was someone I knew, I’d think that someone “outed” me… only to find out that wasn’t the case (but a few times it was) but if it was someone I didn’t know, well, shit – was my body language and mannerisms just giving away the farm? Was I subconsciously broadcasting my bisexuality to anyone who was capable of picking up on it?

Perhaps I was given how many times guys would just roll up on me and try to pick me up. I’d ask them, “How do you know I’m even like that?” or something along those lines and many would respond, “I just know it…” and, again, along those lines. Yeah, some guys would say that they were hoping that I’d be like that so being in those moments would have me wondering if this… phenomenon was some kind of vibe I was giving off or just and only wishful – and hopeful – thinking on their part.

Years later, I’d hear the word, “gaydar” which someone explained to me like this: It takes one to know one. Plausible… but I wasn’t buying it so much but it kinda explained some things about how perceptive and even intuitive some people are. Kinda. I found that if I had gaydar, it was broken or something although there were – and are – times when I can look at someone and “just know” that they’re different – I just don’t know how or why they are and, no, I wasn’t compelled to ask all that often.

It made me get all inside my head and thinking, “What do other people see when they see me?” It used to bug the shit out of me until I eventually learned not to mess with my own head about it since I’d already learned that trying to change what I thought others might be seeing stopped me from being… me. Still, I got pretty fed up with people asking me if I was gay but I understood why – you’re either straight or you’re gay, right? And I gotta say that it felt really good to look them in the eye and say, “No, I’m not gay…”

Because I wasn’t. I still couldn’t quite figure out those moments when a guy would come to me because he wanted to know what it was like to have sex with another guy. Some would tell me that they either knew or had a sense that they could talk to me about this and not go all medieval on them and for the guys I knew something about, it made sense because I’m pretty easy to talk to… but that didn’t explain those guys who I didn’t know (or didn’t know me) all that well.

It would make me wonder if something inside of them was pointing a finger at me and saying, “That guy over there? He’s the one you need to talk to!” or if, again, it was simply the guy wanting to do something in this and hoping that I would, too. And when I’d ask them why they’re talking to me about this, many would say, “I feel there’s something different about you…” or otherwise infer that they somehow just knew that I was the guy they had to have their first experience with…. or their second. Whatever.

Eventually I gave up trying to figure it out; if they sensed or knew I was different, well, they sensed it and/or knew it and there was nothing I could do about it. I did understand that for some guys, I was prey to them and just because I was another guy and not because they knew or sensed something about me.

While I was going on with my life and not really thinking about myself being different, well, I was different. I’m being myself and part of me is bisexual and that part is, as I like to say, just as normal to me as breathing is and something I don’t have to “think” about. I just am.

Sometimes someone will ask me how I’d be if I wasn’t bisexual and that’s a question I really can’t answer. Or they’ll ask me that if I weren’t already bisexual, would I have eventually become bisexual… and I can’t really answer that, either, since both things infer a condition that doesn’t exist but I’ve often said that if I weren’t already bisexual, yeah, I probably would have been eventually… but it’s nothing but speculation at best and, to me, not relevant because I am bisexual. I am different in that sense but in a more broader view of things, I’m not so different and/or unique because there are a whole lot of bisexual men going on about their lives and all that.

I’m “different” because of the way I think about being bisexual; it’s not just a thing to do – it’s a way to be and a lot of being bisexual has nothing to do with sex but how I look at the world around me but, yeah, a lot of bisexuals view their bisexuality in this way, too, so, no – not all that different as it turns out. People still notice it… and I see them noticing it; I see that moment of… confusion that appears on their face when something inside them are telling them that I’m different and they not only don’t know what’s different about me, they aren’t even sure why they feel/think that I am.

Sometimes, it’s pretty humorous to watch this happening and I’ll just “be patient” and wait to see if they’re gonna say something about it. Maybe they’ll say that they don’t know why I feel different to them and I’ll say, “I don’t know why, either – I’m just me and who I’ve always been.”

Because it’s true. I just don’t see my bisexuality being a “different” part of me and how some are of a mind that they’re “two different people” – I’m one person but a person who happens to be bisexual. It’s as much a part of me as the color of my skin is and I’m very comfortable about it that I don’t see it as two things – it’s just me and the way I’ve been for a very large part of my life.

Then again, I’ve had a very long time to take this inherent duality and make it… inclusive? Not sure that’s the right word. Not two different things about me – just one thing. Me. Five and a half decades of being the way I am which, again, means that I’ve had a lot of time to… incorporate my sexuality into the whole of what I am. We’re all the sum total of all of our “parts” and part of me is very bisexual… and some people, well, they’re just able to sense that. Still don’t know how they can, not gonna lose any sleep over it.

I was talking to Cityman about this one day and when he said that he needed to find a balance with his sexuality and I told him that it wasn’t about balance – it was about integration (and that’s the word I couldn’t think of in the last paragraph), being able to make being bisexual a seamless kind of thing so that being bisexual becomes just as normal as breathing is. You just do it. You don’t think about it. You just are. What you do, well, that’s something else but even if you do nothing at all, you’re still bisexual and more so when bisexuality, again, isn’t all about doing:

It’s what you think. It’s how you feel. It’s what you are. Different from a whole lot of other people? Of course you are and when you’re bisexual, you’re just a bit more different that someone who’s straight or gay. We think of this as straddling a line, living in some kind of gray area when, actually, it isn’t and if there’s really something different about me, it’s that I know this and I don’t question it. It’s one thing, not the two things people tend to think.

One person. Seamless. Integrated. Whole in that sense. I’m not straight and I’m not gay. I’m both and whether I’m doing something or doing nothing at all and it doesn’t make me uncomfortable… but why should it? Maybe, when someone says that there’s something different about me, my comfort level with who and what I am is what they’re picking up on?

I don’t know. What I do know is that I’m just being me… and I am bisexual.

 

Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: The Secret Society

As I’ve mentioned, I grew up with some pretty horny dudes and it seemed to me that we all got “awakened” to sex at almost the same time including masturbation. But those of us who were “unknowingly” bisexual, it was quite the secret society since you had to be “one of us” to know that we weren’t straight and that we were having sex like it was nobody’s business.

It wasn’t about being outed as being gay that kept this a secret – it was the very real fear of some neighborhood adult catching any of us in the act… and I grew up in a time where the adult neighbors could whup your ass for something, take you home, rat you out, and you’d get your ass whupped again by your parents.

So if you didn’t need to know – or we didn’t want you to know – you might suspect that we were up to something… but we’d never confirm nor deny the allegations.

Or so we thought. Today I can look back at our “secret society” and how we thought that we were the only ones who knew what we were doing and there was no way anyone else could find out; what we didn’t know about was that a lot of other guys were feeling the same things we were and looking for other boys to do it with. Nothing else explained how one of us could be hanging out with a guy who wasn’t a known member of the Society of Really Horny Motherfuckers and that guy would pop the question:

“Have you ever done it with another boy?” Sometimes panic would set in – who was the rat who ratted about what we were doing? Yeah, sometimes, our… activities got spread by word of mouth but outside of that, it never occurred to us that we weren’t the only guys in the ‘hood looking to check this out.

We were some horny fuckers… didn’t say we were all Wile E. Coyote brilliant and that the obvious couldn’t just sail right over our heads; we just didn’t think like that and I thought that our tendency to always be in the moment allowed the obvious to fly right past us.

Guys were “inviting” themselves into the secret society either by asking The Question or, even at our ages, trying to be slick and/or trying to appear to be ‘innocent’ of any of this… and sometimes being subtle about it wasn’t a consideration, oh, like, hanging out with a guy who wasn’t a known member and he just pulls his dick out and starts playing with it… and hoping this in-your-face hint would jumpstart you to do what he wanted to do while hoping that you wanted to do it, too.

They call it experimentation and I guess it remains to be an accurate description although, in later years, I’d see it more like exploration and, perhaps, the “experiment” was to see if one could do it or not; if they found that they could, then the exploration began and, um, in our “branch” of the Society of Really Horny Motherfuckers, the exploration was off the chain… and our numbers were growing and it didn’t take one very long to realize that things weren’t just contained and confined to our particular neighborhood:

There were branches all over the city… and even more that many of us didn’t know about like going away to summer camp and finding yourself rooming with another society member from another city or state. From all walks of life; things like race and color didn’t mean a whole lot and despite the early racial tensions of those early days, there were a lot of guys who were society members and, in this, totally colorblind.

With the one and only caveat and “rule:” Don’t. Get. Caught. Now, many societies had a second rule that, for the most part, was upheld: I won’t tell if you won’t. But, yeah, some would tell anyway, not for the purpose of starting some shit or getting someone into trouble but because all of this was so damned exciting that you just couldn’t keep it to yourself…

Which usually had the effect of adding more members to the society. While there were many young horny fuckers who weren’t of a mind to join the society, well, yeah – a lot at least wanted to give it a try and those experimenters would either walk away from it or join the society.

A whole lot of boys. Of difference ages and other demographic stuff. Masturbators. Cock suckers. No real qualms about anal either way. Some members reveled in doing it all while others had their favorite things to do. Things like guilt and shame were usually quickly conquered because the amazingly intense urge to do it would pretty much override guilt and shame and the logic, at least for us, was easy: Does it make sense to feel guilty/be ashamed of something you wanted to do?

It didn’t. I don’t know how many times another society member and I would be doing something and one of us would say, “You know we shouldn’t be doing this, right?”

And the other would respond, “Yeah, I know…” and things kept right on going. Were we ignorant of the risks? No… well, perhaps ignorant of all the possible risks but, again, the only one any of us were concerned with was not getting caught having sex with another boy. The need for secrecy was important because all it took was for the wrong guy to find out that you were a “fag” and the word would spread faster than wildfire and you’d be subjected to just how fucking evil and brutal some kids could be.

Nobody wanted to deal with this aspect of growing up and especially for this reason so the society remained… under cover? Not all that widely “advertised?” If you didn’t need or want to know, you just weren’t gonna know who was a member of the society and who wasn’t. Today we say that what you suspect is one thing but what you can prove is something else… but within young peer groups? You didn’t have to be suspected of anything to get “outed” as being a fairy or some other derogatory term.

Once you get a reputation for something – and even if you did nothing to earn it – “fixing” it was pretty much impossible. Despite that – and in my local chapter – the society flourished and we learned some shit about sex that, of course, we weren’t supposed to know about but, as I began to suspect, it was known that we were gonna find out about it. We weren’t supposed to experiment with sex, let alone in the boy/boy way of things but it wasn’t unexpected. Wasn’t allowed but you only got in trouble if you got caught and sometimes if too many people were running their mouth and word got back to those who would seriously take you to task for disobeying the order not to do that… or, in rare cases, being dumb or careless enough to get caught or letting it be known you were a member of the secret society.

Society members would come and go (seriously, no pun intended) while the more die-hard of us stayed the course and, often, more so because trying to talk your way into a girl’s panties wasn’t even close to being easy – and some girls preferred to do it to each other before letting some boy with his nasty, scary, and horrible cock do it to them. The way girls were made to be traumatized before they even gave a single thought to having sex was, well, I still shake my head over some of the things I’ve heard that women were told.

So because of this, the secret society remained. Faces changed. Some guys “resigned” from the society and regretfully so in order to do what men are supposed to do – meet a girl, fall in love with her, marry her, have babies – all that stuff.

I’d say that at the height of the great prejudice aimed at homosexuals, it became a great necessity for the secret society to be even more secret. It wasn’t just the few gay guys among us that had to worry – all of us who were going both ways had to worry; the older we all got, the more… vicious people one could come across and they were to be avoided at all costs since a lot of them would be of a mind to do you bodily harm.

Yeah… pretty sure I don’t – or didn’t – know anyone who liked to be bullied and made to fight or even get their ass kicked to even being suspected of being a society member. And I’d like you to keep in mind that this was, for me, between 1964 and perhaps through 1974… or thereabouts. The social angst was still very much on homosexuals, which allowed bisexuals to keep flying under the radar and, as I’ve said time and time again, not without good reason.

What makes me scratch my head a lot these days is that call for all bisexuals to come out and be known… when we still live in a society that isn’t exactly kind to those who aren’t straight – and homosexuals “won” a long and hard fought battle to be recognized like everyone else is… and suffered many casualties of war in the process. It makes me scratch my head to see those “you all gotta come out” people insisting on it even when it’s explained to them how inherently bad it can be and the potential to suffer losses that, well, are intolerable like family and friends. That faction insists that because we ain’t feeling that as an entire demographic group, well, we’re not real. We don’t really exist. We’re invisible.

But the secret society has always been invisible and not really as a matter of course but out of necessity since, again, those of my generation know all too well what happened to anyone who was outed as being gay. Not bi. Gay. Because people are, sorry to say this, stupid. Ignorant. Totally and completely clueless and narrow-minded beyond belief.

Let me get this straight: There’s a faction out there who want you to stand up and literally paint a target on yourself so that those who ain’t fans of anyone who isn’t straight can take pot-shots at you? So that the opinions others have of you can go from good to so bad it ain’t even funny? So you can be subjected to a great deal of sexual prejudice?

No wonder the secret society is secret; unless you want or need to know, you’re not gonna know because just like anything else connected with sex, what the society does ain’t none of your fucking business… unless you wanna join but that, unfortunately, can be difficult since many of the society’s membership don’t exactly go around letting everyone know they’re a member of the society.

We don’t look “the type” because we look just like everyone else and, as I’ve said, you could be standing next to a member of the society and not even know it unless they want you to know it. People see this as a problem when it’s pretty much business as usual for the Society of Really Horny Motherfuckers and, yes, indeed, some of the members are female.

What… you thought it was a boys-only thing? Silly you!

 

Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: Confused

Yeah. Confused. One of the things people have been saying about bisexuals and for as long as I can remember. As with many stereotypes and misconceptions, there’s a measure of truth to this because discovering that you might be bisexual is, in fact, pretty damned confusing since, you know, you’re straight and have been… but your thoughts and feelings aren’t so straight as they’re supposed to be or as you think they should be.

It’s quite the shock to one’s system, to put it mildly. It’ll make you not only question yourself but pretty much everything you’ve ever believed in. It’ll get you so deep inside your own head that, for some, it becomes a big distraction since what you’re feeling ain’t jiving with what you “know” about yourself or, hmm, what you thought you knew about yourself.

Contrary to what’s being said, bisexuals aren’t really confused about “really being gay” and it’s not that they aren’t really aware of how straight they are but feeling this pull in both directions is, well, confusing. I’ve always felt that bisexuals get the “confused” tag slapped on them because of the belief that people are either straight or gay and, well, that’s bullshit and always has been. But since this can be such a shock to one’s system, sure – it’s gets very confusing trying to figure out why they’re feeling the way they are, scouring their brains to find that one thing that might explain this… and then not being able to latch onto anything that really makes sense.

Social opinion about this only adds to the initial confusion – that pick a side and stay on it crap and the mindset that there’s nothing between being straight and gay. We know this; we’ve heard this and, worse, we believe it… well, until this happens to you, huh? I couldn’t begin to put into words what goes on inside someone’s head because it’s pretty harrowing to find out that, in a way, you’re not what you thought yourself to be.

One can flex their mental muscles to ignore the confusion, to push it to the back of their minds and many do succeed in doing this but they find that, eh, it really doesn’t go away so much; it’s “jumping up and down” to get your attention and will keep doing it until you address it – to either acknowledge it or to continue to suppress it. But here’s the thing…

It usually doesn’t take one all that long to say to themselves, “I’m bisexual!” and that’s a pretty tough admission to make given that your feelings don’t seem to be lying to you even if your mind ain’t agreeing so much. But, yeah, the agreement is reached and now many move on to the next thing which is trying to figure out and decide what to do about this.

That’s another kettle of fish but, yep, many do find that the side they picked is the one in the middle – and thus endeth the confusion… for them. For everyone else? Way too easy to believe that bisexuals are always in a constant state of confusion than it is to accept that if someone says they’re bisexual, um, they’re not confused about that – they’ve gotten past this hurdle already.

Again, thought, it’s said that we can’t make up our minds about whether we want to be with women or men – in the opposite sex mode of things; some even insist that since we can’t make up our minds, our attractions and such should be split down the middle or however a guy feels about women should be the same way he feels about men. I’m not gonna say that this is impossible but I will say that it’s unrealistic to think that bisexuals are 50/50 like that… and that the only people who believe this are people who have no clue about what being bisexual is, let alone what it means.

As a life-long bisexual, the only thing that confuses me is why people think the way they do about it or, really, why they continue to think this way and given the much greater exposure bisexuality has been given. Then again – and like I said previously – it’s just easier for some folks to believe in the “hype” that bisexuals are confused and all that other shit that, also again, has been said.

If anyone is confused, it ain’t us. Many of us do go through that very confusing “What the fuck is going on with me?” part of the program. Hell, some of us even get into some denial – but that’s to be expected since one has been strolling through life being straight… and now they’re not so straight and even if only inside their own minds. Nah – there’s no way I’m bisexual! But the fog of confusion eventually clears – sometimes quickly, sometimes it takes x-amount of time – and try as they might, they can’t deny what their feelings have been telling them and once this part is over, the confusion goes away with it.

I’m bisexual. Who knew? Damn! Now it’s on to the “what do I do” part and it’s… optional. Do or do not. Either you can or you just can’t. Confused? No, not any more and, yes, some people are very intuitive about themselves and are able to avoid the high level of confusion or, “I’m bi? Hmm… how about that! Okay!” Nope – it’s not really that simple but fairly close since many who discover this just take it in stride and/or they’re of a mind that it’s easier for them to accept their feelings and thoughts as valid right up front – then, at their leisure, give some thought about how they got to this point and, for many, there’s no real confusion.

And certainly not the kind bisexuals have been accused of. The myths, stereotypes, and misconceptions are a real bitch to be confronted with. Some truth to them… but mostly bullshit and bullshit created by people who are too… hidebound in their thinking and beliefs about sex and sexuality. Ask someone, “Do you think it’s possible for someone to go both ways?” and you’ll probably get that, “Yeah, but…” thing – and if they don’t come right out and say that it’s not possible.

Methinks bisexuals ain’t the ones who are confused.

 

Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: So What Does All of This Mean?

Depends on who you’re asking. What it really means, I think, is that we’re all human and, as such, we have certain needs that must be seen to and even though we’ve all been told of the one official way those needs are to be seen to and taken care of, we’re just too human to be restricted – or even forced – to only take care of those needs in one way only.

It just becomes a question of how one is able to take care of those needs and we are, as a species, very flexible when it comes to scratching our itches and, you betcha, if that calls for bending and/or breaking some long-held rules, well, okay.

Many have been trying to qualify and quantify bisexuality in an attempt to understand and explain it… and they’re having a hard time doing that and more so when everyone who is bisexual has their own thoughts, feelings, and even reasons for being the way they are. What it means to me is different from what it might mean to someone else but I’d say that, at a high level of thought, the one thing we’re not looking at is someone can be bisexual… just because they can be. It’s what works for them or they think it’ll work for them; it makes sense to them and probably more so if they have a better than working understanding about sex and other intimacies.

Or, um, if you don’t really mind, it doesn’t really matter. It’s… funny in that we’re raised to one day take control of our lives, to make decisions for ourselves and to find the best solutions and actions toward establishing our own sense of wellbeing and happiness and part of that is, uh, sex. Being intimate with others and, sure, being bisexual is just one of the three “known” ways to be intimate… except there’s that thing that says everyone has to be straight and without exception and given that we all know this, it kinda makes a little sense to wonder why some people just don’t want to be straight or try to figure out how someone can start out straight and wind up bisexual and even homosexual.

We’re trying to make sense of something that is and always has been normal human behavior and as if there’s some other reason that would explain this “deviation” from the expected social and moral norms. As I keep saying, it’s not that we don’t know that not everyone is straight – we’ve always known this… but we have this ‘need’ to try to define something or attach some kind of reasoning/justification for something we, on the whole, think or otherwise believe isn’t what it really is:

Just people being people; a species of social animal whose existence includes a hard-coded need to interact with each other both socially and sexually. And it’s not as if we don’t know this, too – we just don’t seem to want to believe it but that, in a way, doesn’t surprise me a whole lot because humans are… arrogant in that we believe that such “animalistic” behaviors are beneath us when, in truth, they never were.

We believe that the way we’re told to be really does trump what we can be and when we know that people are gonna do – and be – the way they feel they need to be. I mean, really – there is a reason why so many bisexuals are of a mind that being bisexual feels right, normal, and natural to them despite knowing what the rules say.

If it this means anything, it means that we’re… human and doing human things. We live, we love – and in any way that works for us – and we have sex and, again, in any way that gets our boats floating and rocking and, you betcha, that includes doing that in some very unapproved ways. People say that it doesn’t make sense for men and women to sex each other because they’ve been told it doesn’t make sense… which makes it difficult for those who think this way to get their heads around the fact that, um, it does make sense because, if for no other reason, it’s sex.

And even in this, we are wont to put a lot of conditions in place these days that, oddly enough, tend to conform with heteronormative behaviors and, well, that makes sense given that if we don’t know anything else, we know what those behaviors are… it’s just that not all of us are of a mind to do things that way.

And I really don’t pretend to understand why the people who are beating their heads against the wall trying to qualify and quantify bisexuality – in particular – don’t seem to want to look at that which is obvious:

People are bisexual because it is just as normal as being straight or gay is; what makes it so abnormal is the “fact” that it’s not supposed to be all that normal. I read a whole lot of stuff written by a whole lot of other people about bisexuality and it’s pretty damned rare for me to see something that says, “People are bisexual because they can be… if they wanna be… and that’s pretty normal.”

And more so since, um, humans have always been bisexual and homosexual… and heterosexual. Whatever works. With the rules or in abject defiance of those rules. We just want it to mean something other than what it really does mean:

We’re human. We can roll like that if we want to or otherwise have a need to. We don’t think it’s all that unusual that women suck cock… but we do when it’s men sucking cock and, yeah, we’re looking at who and not paying one bit of attention to what and the fact that if they wanted to and/or needed to, anyone can suck a dick or eat a pussy and, yep, can be screwed if that’s what makes them happy.

We’re just doing what we’ve always been doing and we’ve been doing it for so long that trying to find some meaning – other than it is what it is – is going to escape and elude us and, I think, because it’s something we’ve always been doing. It really just is what it is and for the only reason being we can do it like that. Born to do it? Yes. Have to make some decisions to do or do not? Of course – not everyone is suited for this and no matter what they believe.

What other meaning could there be? We’re human – isn’t that meaning enough? Apparently not, huh? We just want to believe there’s some other reason and the reason why we can’t find one is… because there isn’t one other than, you betcha – we can if we want/need to.

But everyone has to decide for themselves; everyone has to make sense of it for themselves. This means different things to different people – duh, right? That’s to be expected since – double duh – we’re not all the same inside our own heads. But we just don’t give much weight, credence, or consideration to the real meaning:

We’re human.

 

Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: Indescribable

Some of the most interesting conversations about bisexuality come up when someone is trying to describe what their bisexual means to them and what this or that feels like and/or what doing this or that means to them.

You can have the most expansive vocabulary you can bring to bear and most people can’t tell you much more than “it feels good.” It’s not that they don’t really know but a lot of the things that can be experienced are more like… impressions, intangible things that flow through our minds that we’re aware of but trying to put those things into words?

Incredibly difficult. Hard to do without sometimes sounding like you’ve lost your mind and, indeed, have no level of mastery over language at all. Oh, yeah – I’ve found myself devoting a lot of time trying to describe the indescribable, both to myself and others because it stands to reason that someone is going to ask what this feels like or what that feels like or what are you thinking and feeling about being bisexual in the first place.

Sexual experiences along these lines are unique and subjective even when one pretty much does the same things as a matter of course but that makes sense given that just because we often tend to think that all bisexuals feel and experience the same things. While we can talk among ourselves and agree that we like this, don’t like that, and find some… commonality in our individual experiences, asking someone to explain what they’re feeling and/or thinking when they’re sucking cock usually tends to result in a lot of “gibberish” being said… and finally being simplified to, “It feels good.”

Oh, and try to put words to any of this without sounding pornographic. For a while, I wrote a lot of erotica (and actually got paid for it!) and one of the things I found to be difficult wasn’t writing about the physicality of sex – it was capturing the thoughts and emotions of sex. I’d sit at the keyboard and get my characters to the point where they’re gonna have sex and I’d be reminded of something my editor told me during the first proof of the book I wrote: “There’s only so many ways you can describe how to put A into B, C, or D!”

The key, I was told and advised, was to be able to put the emotion, the thoughts and feelings of it all before, during, and after the fact… and trying to do that would often have me with my fingers on the keyboard… and just being there because I realized that I was trying to put into words some things for which there are no real words for.

It defies being described and, um, no, having a wealth of sexual experiences under my belt didn’t – and still doesn’t – work as well as they probably should contribute toward trying to describe what something feels like or what’s the more deeper meaning connected with doing this or that. It’s not that no one – and regardless to sexuality – doesn’t know this…

It’s damned near impossible to accurately put it into words. The guys on the forum have been responding to this question: “What does anal mean to you?” You should see how everyone is trying to put into words what this means to them and how many have replied that it feels good, they like it, don’t like it, or they can’t wait to experience it.

It’s not that their sentiments are invalid because they really aren’t… but if you were reading the responses and trying to “make sense” of it in your own head, yeah – you’d find out pretty quick that, again, there are no words to describe a lot of this whether you’ve actually done it or waiting to do it.

Then most people try to do this as a high level kind of thing, attempting to take everything they’ve thought and felt – with or without experience – and trying to condense it into one line of expression… and they usually find that anything they’ve written is, at best, incomplete and isn’t specific to any one moment in time. Why? Because our minds are designed to take very complex things and simplify them and to the best we’re able to do so.

Hence the usual answer of, “It feels good.”

One question that gets asked – and re-asked – is what does it feel like when a guy cums in your mouth? For those who know about this, yeah, you should see them trying to put it into words and to capture – and put into words – whatever they’re thinking and feeling at that moment… and I feel their “pain” because even as good as I am with words and writing, I often feel like a dummy trying to explain it even though I know exactly what I’m thinking and feeling. You find that you wind up pushing your vocabulary to its limits and, yeah, even consulting a theasaurus for more adjectives doesn’t help a whole lot because, again, there are things that you think and feel for which there are no words in any language that are even close to being able to provide a description; there aren’t that many adjectives to really explain joy or disappointment or excitement or even ecstacy.

It feels good. It makes me feel good. Indescribable and so much that, at best, these are the two things that are just easier to say or write. Ask someone why they’re bisexual and many can tell you how they came to be bisexual and even what they did (if they did anything at all); try to dig deeper and, well, watch or listen to someone start to trip all over themselves trying to find and put this into words and then in as few words as possible.

I ain’t saying that it can’t be done – I’m just saying it’s an incredibly difficult thing to do and so much that merely saying, “It feels good!” or “It makes me feel good! feels so… inadequate. Inaccurate. Not the thing one wants to really convey.

Because there are no words to describe the intangible things and the things that are “smoky” impressions that one’s mind can have a very hard time grasping and holding onto, let alone struggle to find words that, again, accurately describes them… other than “it feels good.” What does it feel like to be fucked? First, pack a lunch because this gonna take a while and then don’t get frustrated or anything like that when the person you ask says some shit that doesn’t seem to make a whole lot of sense and so much that even in your mind – and before they say it – you’re gonna think, “It must feel good… I guess.”

And I think we narrow it down to “it feels good” because trying to describe it is, might be, and can be an exercise in futility… yet, we try to do it because, when trying to explain to someone why you’re bisexual, you also have to be able to speak to what you’re thinking and feeling about this and why you’re thinking and feeling the way you do.

Shit… even I’ve condensed it down to, “Because I am.” Yeah… that’s really informative, isn’t it? I’m sitting here typing this and, in the background, I know what my mind is doing and it’s very busy trying to find the words for what I’m typing. You’d think that since I’ve had a lifetime being bisexual, this wouldn’t be so difficult… yet, it is… and I know why it is… yet I continue to attempt to describe the indescribable even to myself.

This… thing is probably the one thing that lends itself to bisexuality – and bisexuals – not being understood all that well because we can’t really explain our thoughts and feelings with any degree of accuracy and wind up simplifying things in few words and words that may be helpful or leave someone with more questions than answers.

And it’s probably why even bisexuals talk more about what they do (or what they wanna do) than they do what they think and feel about being bisexual. People wanna believe that we’re all the same and we really aren’t because the thing that makes us all different and unique is how we’re feeling and thinking and at any given moment in time. Again, it’s not that we don’t know…

We just have one hell of a time trying to describe the indescribable. We – and including myself – wind up saying or writing things like “it feels good” because, well, it does, but that’s really the best we can do. It’s like, duh, um, it must feel good because if it didn’t, you wouldn’t do it so there has to be more to it than just that.

There is. Just don’t ask me to explain it to you in exacting and precise detail. I can’t do it but I sure try to even though I often wind up sounding like I don’t know for sure. I do know. I just suck at finding the words to express those things that, for newbie bisexuals, would be of great assistance to them. And that’s also why, I think, a lot of bisexuals spend a lot of time being introspective; it’s not that they’re trying to explain any of this to others:

They’re trying to explain it to themselves. They know it. They know why. Continually defies explanation. It feels good and it make me feel good. It’s how I feel. It makes sense. I just am. I do this or that because I can and I want to. Not very helpful is it?

That’s about the size of it.

 

Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: Why Group Sex?

I’ve heard this question a lot: Why is it that when someone is bisexual, the first thing they think of is a threesome (or some other form of group sex)? A lot of people hear “threesome” and get pretty freaked out about it and, yep, some hear it and they’re all for it. Some of this is all about how they believe sex is supposed to be done – one-on-one and definitely no witnesses and for many, group sex is pretty scary and for some can conjure up some even more scary shit in their mind and, sure, being self-conscious about some stuff will lend itself to avoiding any kind of group sex like the plague.

But is there a reason for this group sex thing? I think there is and I don’t expect anyone to agree with what I’m about to say but for a lot of people – including bisexuals – participating in group sex is the ultimate in sexual expression. One of the things I learned early on was that when one says, “Okay… I’m bisexual!” it almost literally opens their mind about sex, going from what it’s supposed to be and expanding to include all of the possibilities… and group sex is one of them.

It’s not so much to put their bisexuality on display as it is a chance to put their changed attitude and thoughts about sex not only on display but being able to shed their previous thoughts about having sex and as proof that they’re as open about sex as they think and even feel that they are.

Now, it’s not that all bisexuals want to try this on for size; not all bisexuals will bring the subject up but a lot do think and fantasize about it. It’s kinda “forbidden” in that “sex is only between two people” way and many people say that until you’ve had some kind of group sex, you really haven’t had sex. Opinions in this differ, of course, and many people ain’t feeling this because, just like everything else in sex, there are horror stories out the wazoo about how these things go wrong and sometimes terribly wrong.

Well, that’s usually because we don’t know how to have sex with more than one person and, yes – you actually have to learn how to. For some it’s “easy” while for others, well, to say “not so much” is a gross understatement. Between what we believe about having sex, our experiences and, yup, the horror stories, being a participant in group sex is, again, pretty scary for a lot of people and even for those who’d say, “I’d try it, but…” and following the “but” is a long list of why they wouldn’t, from believing “it’s not right” to being very self-conscious thinking about their bodies… and the fact that there’s going to be other people watching them being vulnerable having sex.

Shudder. The horror of it all. What are people gonna think about me? Well, on that one, um, unless you or someone else kisses and tells, how is anyone else gonna find out? But the concern is valid since it’s said that people who have sex like this are sluts and dogs and shamefully so. I know a lot of people who will tell you straight up how much they love sex… but mention group sex to them… and watch them backpedal.

Let me get this out of the way and I’m going to also say that I’m not even trying to offend anyone so don’t take this the wrong way but a lot of women will not get into group sex because of their fear of being raped and, yes, I’ve heard women say this and it is understandable because one guy going at them is okay… but two or maybe more guys? Oh, hell, no! What are guys like in this? Well, there’s the “homo” thing and then given how territorial we are about the pussy, eh, sharing it with some other dude? Not gonna happen. Then add on any concerns they might have about their dick and performance issues and, yeah – not gonna do that.

So, in a lot of ways – and ya still might not agree – group sex is a test of one’s true desire and love of having sex… and many people find that they don’t love it as much as they say they do. We are made to be inhibited about sex and it’s not a coincidence that when some folks have their inhibitions removed – and you can surely blame it on the alcohol in most cases – finding themselves in a pile of bodies “all of a sudden” sounds like a fun thing to do and turns out to be a lot of fun… until they sober up and their inhibitions slam back into place.

Some are mortified beyond belief and some manage to grudgingly accept that when they get cronked, um, yeah – ain’t no telling what they might do. Again, some pretty scary shit and more so when they remember everything that took place and, shit, how wild and uninhibited they were and, yep, sometimes, they did some stuff that, if they weren’t all cronked up, they wouldn’t do for all the tea in China.

Personally, I’ve had people ask me, “How can you do that shit?” A couple of reasons (really a few of them). One, I grew up with it. Two, I don’t have much in the way of inhibitions to get rid of and by any means. Three, um, er, I really love sex that much so the more, the merrier and even more so when things turn into a huge no holds barred, free for all where everyone in the mix is fair game and whatever happens, happens.

And no regrets whatsoever. No embarrassment. Don’t know the meaning of the word “shame.” Well, okay, I do know the meaning of the word – I just don’t feel any shame. We’re supposed to have sex but we do get shamed to death about it and in a whole lot of ways.

“Dude, you are one freaky motherfucker!” I’ve been told and I’ve said, “Yep, I sure am…” but to me, it’s not being freaky – it’s just me enjoying having sex and with a lot of other people in attendance, both watching and participating. It’s fun and, yep, sometimes it isn’t and I’ve seen sessions go very badly and there are a slew of reasons why they do but at the top of the list, in my opinion, is that we never learn how to do this… and we don’t learn because we’re not supposed to know how to do it.

Shit, some of us are funny about having sex with just one person. Still, a lot of people are of a mind that when a bisexual brings up a group sex thing, it’s because they went from plain vanilla to a super freak in the sheets when that’s not really the case since a lot of bisexuals still wouldn’t go there for any reason. It’s just the “next” form of sexual expression; it’s “proof” that you’re really free and liberated from what everyone else thinks sex is supposed to be and how it’s supposed to be done. For many, a threesome is about sharing that liberation and sexual expression.

Even among those who participate as a matter of course, there are usually rules of engagement that sometimes turns a good idea into a not so good one; I’ve seen so many limit what can be done and who can do what and while this makes sense, it kinda doesn’t since, once more in my opinion, you’ve removed one set of inhibitions in order to enforce and employ a different set of inhibitions and, as I’ve observed too many times, discounting how shit can happen in the heat of the moment and when it’s not expected to happen. I say again that there are a lot of people who really do believe that shit ain’t ever supposed to happen… and it better not happen.

Insecurities, jealousy, envy, possessiveness, self-consciousness and even a very inflexible view of thinking where sex is concerned. There are those who would literally give you the shirt off their back… but they’d never share themselves in sex and for couples, hell, no – this is my pussy/dick and I ain’t sharing it with anybody.

The topic makes a lot of people feel some kind of way and I do tell newbie bisexuals that, depending on the person they’re with (or who they hang around with), eh, you might not want to mention it or bring it up unless you’re fairly sure you can do it without winding up being tarred and feathered. What if someone else brings it up? Okay, that takes any pressure off of you where bringing it up goes and, if nothing else, you can say that you’re all for it… or you aren’t. And you should always be aware of the fact that you don’t have to engage in any form of group sex if you don’t want to.

Some say that for bisexuals, group sex is a sort of rite of passage and further proof of their bisexuality and I don’t necessarily disagree with that. Again, I know that being bisexual – or otherwise finding yourself sexually liberated – just allows one to slip their sexual chains and opens up a lot of the possibilities that we’re not supposed to get into. I’ve said that bisexuality changes one’s views about sex – because it really does. Still, for some, some… inhibitions remain in place; sex is still only to be done one-on-one, no witnesses, no other participants. Just ain’t ever gonna go down like that. Too private. Ain’t nobody else’s business. The usual stuff and that can also include any situations that might have gone badly for some reason.

It’s too easy to assume that if the shit went bad that first time, it’s always gonna go bad and, sure, it might… and it might not and, yes, some have had a bad first experience with this but have gone on to discover that, if anything, that first time was a fluke of sorts. At the end of any day, it’s really about how much you really and truly enjoy sex and having an understanding of what your own inhibitions are and why you have them… and then being able to get rid of them so you can engage in and enjoy a form of sex that is just as old as humanity is.

It’s just not an easy thing for a lot of people to do. You not only have to want to do it – you have to learn how to do it and even then a lot of people carry with them that list of what they’re not ever gonna do when it comes to sex, whether it’s one-or-one or the infamous “drunken orgy.” Even in this, everything is negotiable.

For bisexuals, it’s a test. I’ve said that having the sex this way is a serious test for a lot of bisexuals and this group sex thing is an even bigger test. Some pass with flying colors. Many do not and because they may have changed their sexuality but not the way they look at sex specifically and generally. Some folks are aware of the power of sex and how it can unlock some shit about them that they’d rather not have unlocked and, believe me, that’s some very scary shit. Some folks aren’t aware of the power of sex and/or they believe that they can always exert control over sex’s power.

And many find out that they really can’t. Hidden things get unlocked. Vulnerabilities get exposed and even one’s skill and ability to perform can have a bright light shined on it. Group sex will test your limits; it’ll test your sensibilities; it will expose you in ways that a lot of people just do not ever want to be exposed.

And then you have the people like me. Someone says, “Let’s all get naked and have sex!” and chances are I’ll be the first one naked and raring to go. Let’s do this. Don’t worry about this shit you “normally” worry about. Let’s get naked and explore the possibilities with each other and have fun doing it. It’s not about being careless in that sense – it’s really about being able to enjoy sex in a way that tends to make a whole lot of people soil themselves… and even bisexuals.

It’s not for everyone and I’m not ever gonna bullshit you about that. You gotta have a certain… mindset about sex and you pretty much have to be fearless in this. People, if they should find out that you did this, are gonna look at you with either great disdain… or with a lot of awe. They might jump all in your ass for doing such a heinous thing… or they’re gonna be very jealous that you’re able to do something that they can’t do.

“Shit… I’d never do that shit…” is, again, something I’ve heard time and time again. “You gotta be some kind of fucked up in the head to do that shit!” and I’ve heard this one, too, but, ah, last night, me and a bunch of other people had sex – what did you do last night?

It tends to crack me up to hear people talk about how they’re all wild and all that when having sex… but they can’t or won’t have group sex… and for some, the thought of having a bisexual in the mix just fucks with their head too much. What scares some people about this? It’s usually because bisexuals aren’t limited in their ability to sexually express themselves – but it never means that they’re not in control of themselves. In a MFM threesome and one guy is straight? Oh, yeah – chances are that both guys are going to be very, very worried about anything happening between them and even incidental contact can cause some issues. Do women worry about that when the threesome is FMF or even FFM? Some do… and some don’t so much.

It’s all about what you think sex is supposed to be like and how it’s “always” supposed to be done. Bisexuals? We don’t tend to think in those terms but, again, some of us still do. Just because this form of sexual expression might get unlocked doesn’t mean that it absolutely and positively has to happen – and it usually doesn’t, for the most part. And if it does, it’s just like any other kind of sex in that it’s only going to be as good as you’re willing to make it for yourself and whoever else happens to be with you.

I’ve been in a lot of very controlled and scripted group sex; I’ve also been in a lot of “we don’t need no stinkin’ rules!” situations where everyone is fair game and if you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter. I’ve seen guys suck cock who’ve never done it before; I’ve seen women get seriously up close and personal with other women, too. I’ve seen people have more fun than they’ve ever experienced before… and I’ve seen people just not have a good time with this form of expression.

Bisexuals get their head handed to them because group sex just seems to be so “automatic” when, again, while some bisexuals do think about it, it doesn’t always happen because, duh, you still have to be able to convince other people that this is gonna be fun and there’s nothing to worry about.

Good luck with that one. There is some very human shit one has to be able to get past and beyond to be able to engage in any form of group sex. Some people can. Many just can’t and regardless to their sexuality.

That’s just the reality of this. A lot of people dream and fantasize about this… and that’s as far as it’s going to go. A lot of people actually throw it down like this and especially those in poly families (and how well do I know that). It just makes sense to not only have sex one-on-one but to have it as a group since, in a poly family, you’re really and truly in this thing together so having sex with each other as a group, well, it makes sense for everyone to be able to enjoy everyone else in a nice hot and sweaty pile of bodies. Even in this, people are usually only going to do that which agrees with their sensibilities… but, yeah, some other… stuff might jump off and “simply” because it should jump off.

Just really a matter of how you’re willing and able to sexually express yourself and, yeah, if you can do this without being fearful of getting your head handed to you, why the hell not? If you can get rid of your fears and inhibitions and rethink what sex is and see it for what it can be, you might be good to go.

And if you can’t, then you just can’t. No shame in this. You gotta learn how to have sex in this way and not everyone can learn it. Not everyone can manage to leave their inhibitions at the door and, again, not every bisexual is that sexually liberated. And, yeah, I have the nerve to say that if you tried it before and it wasn’t all that, well, why not try it again? I know why most people won’t and that’s because once we deem something to be bad, we will always see it as bad even when we’re astute enough to understand that the conditions that existed at that time we didn’t have a good time won’t be exactly the same or, to simplify, that was then.

This is now. Nope… not trying to convince anyone to do something they can’t or won’t do; I’m just the guy who tries to explain this group sex thing where bisexuals are concerned and that you don’t have to be bisexual to enjoy sex this way.

It helps, though, even because of the way one now thinks about sex. My bisexuality took everything I was taught about sex and threw it away and I learned some new ways to have sex and to express myself in this way. Lots of good times… and probably more than my fair share of not so good times. But that’s just how sex tends to go for all of us. One-on-one? Sure, we can do that. Do it as a group? Okay – I’m game if you are! No shame. Not much in the way of inhibitions. Pretty much fearless. Carefree but not careless. It’s “just sex” and in one of the many ways we – humans – can have and enjoy it… if we can learn to have it and enjoy it.

There are rules about having sex… and a whole lot of people – and regardless to sexuality – say, “Fuck the rules – let’s get naked and do this!” and because it’s fun… and it’s sex.

 

Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: “What Am I Doing Wrong?”

There isn’t a day that goes by when I’m on the forum and I don’t see someone wondering why they are having such a hard time having the sex they’re craving as a bisexual. Guys are asking about the best apps to use and more so since Craigslist shut that avenue down and, from what I hear, places that are trying to fill that void don’t seem to be doing all that well.

They wanna know where other men hang out – bookstores with glory holes, bathhouses, places like that and these places exist in some places and don’t in others. You’d think that this would be kinda simple to find like-minded individuals who have the same goal as you do: Having the sex. Except, it’s never been easy or as simple as thinking, “Well, if I’m bisexual and they are, too, then we should be able to do something!”

Again, I point to my own and early experiences to make a point, that being, for us it really was as easy as asking another guy a couple of questions: Have you ever done it with another boy… and do you wanna do it with me? If yes, then it was on but if no, eh, okay – you sure you’re not gonna change your mind?

But then people get older, become more wary and leery about things and if this doesn’t stop someone dead in their tracks in this pursuit, they become… picky. Very picky. And sometimes so much so that there isn’t a human on the planet anywhere who could meet their requirements and many have a lot of requirements and conditions. Tack on a great need for discretion, which is a good thing since most bisexuals don’t ever want to get outed and it limits the number of people “available” to have sex with since being discrete can be taken to extremes as well and as evidenced by the number of people who won’t even let another person know that they’re interested in them and even when the mutual interest is sometimes very obvious.

Then there’s the casual sex versus relationship sex rift that makes it damned near impossible for a lot of bisexuals who need the sex to get it and, yeah, toss the disease card onto the table and things get even more iffy. There are times when I see both men and women just “sitting on their asses” and as if they’re waiting for the right person to magically appear and, to make matters worse, they’re not really putting forth any effort to find someone, oh, like getting an app and signing up… and then not really trying to engage the membership or, if they do, shit – so many fakes and flaky people that makes it too much like work.

Many are, indeed, risk-adverse and even more worry about being rejected out of hand. Now, I admit that I don’t know a whole lot about how women go about this but I do know how guys go about it and some of the things I’ve seen are such that it makes me say that we make this harder than it has to be. Many of us will “engage” with a guy and proffer our laundry list of what we want to do and what we ain’t gonna do. Many get “hit” on by really aggressive guys who are very pointed in what they want and what they expect you do to and if you’re not gonna drop whatever you’re doing to accommodate them in the next ten minutes, you ain’t shit and now you’re the flakey fake.

It’s not that women don’t have their own issues in this because they do and women can be very picky about who they wanna get naked with although I’ve been of a mind here of late that men make women look ridiculously easy in this regard. But, as I’ve said many times, women want someone they can relate to at the emotional level and if that can be established, the sex isn’t that big of a deal so much. And while men are also trying to do things this way, well, shit – a lot of other men aren’t trying to hear anything that has to do with that desired emotional connection; let’s just get naked and do something, jeez! You act like we’ve got all the time in the world to establish an emotional connection that will allow us to feel comfortable enough to have sex!

I’ve said time and time again that there are many of us who set the bar so high that we become the unreachable and unattainable. We want it the way we want it and we’re not accepting any substitutions or deviations from what we want and, yeah, who we want it from. Even when I’ve asked people, “What’s the minimum thing a person has to meet in order to have sex with you?” I’ve often heard a list of things that isn’t all that different from their “normal” requirements. I’ve had people push back against having a minimal set of requirements because, again, they want what they want and in the exact way they want it; it’s their right to do this and they don’t have to change anything in this regard… because they don’t have to.

And, usually, they’re not going to… even when you can point out to them how high they’ve set the bar and, as a result, how impossible they’ve made it to get the sex they want and need. Then they become despondent, disillusioned, and frustrated and in many situations I’m aware of, it’s everyone else’s fault except theirs.

When I chat with my protege about this – and even he has his own set of gripes and complaints about this, I always tell him that the one thing a lot of do wrong is giving more weight and importance to what we want to do and not so much consideration to what we can do and even then what’s the least thing we are willing to do and then can we be satisfied with the least.

He likes to ask me why there aren’t more men willing to just whip their dicks out and suck each other dry and I tell him that some guys aren’t cock suckers and for some that’s just foreplay and not the main thing, so on and so forth. I keep asking him a question – what happens when two tops get together? And then I give him the answer: Nothing. But now it’s an exercise for him to tell me why nothing happens. You’d think that, at the very least, two tops – or even two bottoms – can get together and blow each other’s brains out, right? And it could happen…

But it probably won’t. Again, I don’t know how women deal with this and mainly because they don’t wanna talk about it… but I know that men have totally and completely mind fucked themselves about the whole top/bottom thing and have stringently defined these roles so much that, say, just getting together to suck each other off is a difficult thing to do.

Not all men suck cock. Not all men are into anal sex. Likewise, not all women eat pussy or are into tribbing. The general perception is that this is always true and, I’ve thought, based upon how gay folks are “known” to do and the glaring thing, in my opinion, is that, um, no – we, as bisexuals, aren’t gay despite being able to have sex that way.

Men rift about reciprocation. It’s either needed or not so much. It’s expected or you’d better not even think about asking for reciprocation. Even I will tell a guy that if he’s not gonna suck my dick, I’m not going to be of a mind to suck his because why should he be the only one having that particular bit of fun? You wanna bone me in the butt? Well, fella, if you’re not gonna bend over and grab your ankles, too, how much fun do you think that’s gonna be for me?

What we do wrong is pay more attention to what we want to do and what we’re not ever gonna do for anyone or for any reason. What we do wrong is that we don’t want to put forth the effort to be the hunter and the hunted; very few of us have a minimum set of requirements and even fewer of us are willing to literally negotiate things.

What we do wrong is make this harder than it has to be. Let’s not make any mistakes here: We all learn what we like and what we don’t like but we’re human in that we’re more likely to stay with that which we like and avoid that which we don’t like… even if we’ve never done that particular thing. We talk about the fluidity of bisexuality… but not so much about the flexibility that’s also inherent in this. In this, many of us are quite rigid and, I think, a lot of us don’t really rethink what we know about sex – again, the way it’s supposed to be versus the way it can be.

It doesn’t mean that someone has to be willing and able to do it all but, again, men have boxed themselves into a corner with the top/bottom thing and have very rigidly defined these roles and to the point where a lot of tops will reject those bottoms are more… girly in their sexual mannerisms and there are bottoms who aren’t fans of really assertive or aggressive tops. And we do go about this – any of this – like it’s impossible to change our minds about something. It really is… frustrating to be an avid cock sucker and find yourself with a guy who doesn’t ever want his cock to be sucked; some don’t even want you to touch their cock. They don’t like that. It ruins things for them. They’ve convinced themselves that it’s their whole reason to be to give the pleasure and never to receive it.

Even in negotiations we’ll ask each other what we’re into which makes sense but, more often than not, a lot of deals get broken and negotiations break down because we never talk about what we’re willing to do and even if we tack on a condition or two like, “I’d like to get to know you better before I let you blow/fuck me…” It’s not that there aren’t guys who’d be okay with this – it’s the number of guys who aren’t okay with this. They want what they want right now or, in their minds, that getting into each other more thing ain’t working for them because in much of this, time is the enemy more than it’s a friend.

What we do wrong is not make it easier to have sex with each other. It’s okay to have that list of what you’re not gonna do but it’s also okay to have that list and make some exceptions and along the lines of, “With the right person (or situation) I might do (add something here).” If you go about this with a high degree of inflexibility, chances are you’re not gonna get the sex you want and need. What’s the least thing you’re willing and able to do? Most people can’t answer that question because, I guess, habitually, we go for max effort and max results.

A lot of bisexuals are going to remain frustrated and disillusioned until they fully realize that the reason why they’re frustrated and disillusioned is because very few people – including themselves – are willing to make it easy to have the sex… but they are willing to make it hard to get someone – and themselves – into bed. You can point this out and a lot of people will say, “Yeah, but…” and you’re just not going to convince them that making themselves more available or getting out there and do more hunting so they can also be hunted and even having a minimum set of requirements is going to be in their best interest.

A lot of bisexuals say that other people are stopping them from being able to explore their sexuality and this is, sadly, very valid. But the person who’s really stopping them is… themselves. For the man or woman who really wants to know what oral sex is like on the other side of the fence? What are you willing to do in order to experience this? What are your expectations? What things, in your mind, are non-negotiable? Do you have issues with casual sex and by this I mean do you believe that doing it just to be doing it doesn’t mean anything?

And if you’re not getting any like this, well, why aren’t you? Are you pointing the finger at everyone who might be out there? Are you not looking at how you’re going about things or, perhaps, willing to admit to yourself that you’ve set the bar way too high? And, importantly, have you considered that there are a lot of other people out there who have set their own bars impossibly high?

To the question of, “What am I doing wrong?” the answer might be that you, right along with a whole lot of other people, are just making this harder than it has to be.