Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: 27 May 22

Damn it, I had some really good thoughts for today… and then I woke up and forgot them. Since awakening, I’ve been trying to recapture them and with little success so, today, I’ll be winging it.

Sex, sex, sex. I’ve always been fascinated with how guys become bisexual and the drive to have the sex can consume them and that’s about the time when some guys realized that even if they’ve been watching gay porn, they don’t really understand the sex, from how to do stuff to how it works.

Bisexuality… disconnects one from conventional and traditional thinking and finding that our sexual – and maybe even romantic – interests have gone from women to include men, it can be one hell of an adjustment to make and more so if you have just the slightest inkling of how men have sex with each other. We know it as gay sex because, duh, that’s what gay men do and a lot of us get stuck on this and it’s not always easy to let this go and see that it’s sex.

Period.

I honestly don’t remember exactly how old I was when I figured this out, but I think it was during a very steamy threesome with a guy and his girl and they were taking turns sucking my dick and it dawned on me that they were both doing the same thing. That all-day session saw everyone getting head and everyone being fucked and I limped home – literally because they handed my head and the rest of my body to me – with my mind working on the sameness I’d noticed. As I’m remembering this, I’m sure that if pegging was a thing back then, the woman would have nailed both of us and we would have loved it.

I’ve learned, from a lot of guys, is that even as an intellectual exercise, having sex with a guy is some seriously powerful shit to have on one’s mind. Like I always say, thinking about it is one thing; I’ll add that you can think about other guys doing whatever and there’s still a disconnect that doesn’t get noticed until you’re “standing in line and waiting your turn” that it starts to get real. This, too, can cause an even bigger disconnect and as I’ve seen in the many times I’ve had a guy ask me how does one suck a dick or how to you fuck a guy in the ass and, yeah, does it really hurt like a bitch to be fucked.

My bias would kick in and I’d ask myself, “How do they not know this?” then remember that, duh, I’ve been doing this since I was a young whippersnapper, and this guy is just now looking into this. I would think that, um, if you’ve ever had sex with a woman, uh, that’s a pretty good example but, again, bisexuality disconnects you from conventional thinking… and other logical processes and I would, indeed, learn that a lot of first time guys knew exactly what it was like to be sucked by a woman but because they’re looking to get blown by a man, well, that’s different.

Isn’t it? I know guys who had had anal sex with women but couldn’t seem to figure out how that worked with a guy and while my bias was totally incredulous (and told to shut the fuck up and stay out of this), the fact that some of them didn’t make that connection got my attention… and I saw that more often than not, facing the reality of having sex with men can seriously unplug a guy because, again, it’s all fun and games until you’re about to have sex with a dude and even if you knew about this, you’re now in unknown territory.

A guy wanted us to blow each other and one of his concerns was not knowing how to do it; I remembered something I had read somewhere and said, “Suck on your thumb for a moment and do it like you’re trying to get something off of it.” He looked at me like I was crazy, but I’d asked him to humor me; he sat and sucked his thumb for a few moments, and I saw the moment when it connected in his head and said, “That’s how you do it.” I almost screwed this part up because I was going to tell him what a lot of guys get told: Do it like you like having it done to you, but I realized at the “last moment” that he’d told me that he’d never had his dick sucked before.

I’ve learned that even when a guy can get his head around “the basics,” there’s a great concern about not being good enough or not doing it right and I learned to tell guys to not worry about it; this is your first time and there’s no way in hell I’d be dumb enough to expect you to do it good and right the first time. Some guys are fucking amazing right out of the gate but that’s not really the point but that disconnect that seems to happen is.

A gay dude once told me, “Some of you bi dudes are as dumb as rocks!” and I knew what he meant because we were taking about our experiences with first timers and he allowed that he didn’t know how a guy couldn’t just figure it out and do it… but I was learning why because I wanted to know as well. Fantasy and reality are polar opposites and when you tack on the social stuff, yeah, it’s no wonder a lot of guys looking to have the sex that’s overpopulating their thoughts can get disconnected and, if for no other reason, because they think and believe that sex with a man is not only different but very different.

I bring in a conversation I had with Cityman about this early on in his evolution and the problems he was having because he was just as disconnected as most guys I’ve seen and I told him, “Stop thinking about who – think about what.” In essence, I was asking him to stop thinking about the guy being a guy and I might have even mentioned that if he’s eaten pussy, he already knows how to suck a dick because sucking on a girl’s clit isn’t all that different – dicks are bigger and will deposit cum in your mouth at some point.

I go on the forum and I see lots of disconnected guys who see being with a guy as being totally different from being with a woman… but they’re thinking who and… disconnected. Yes, you do have to learn about the anatomical differences and if a guy is looking to get boned, well, that’s something else to be learned. I do remember the first time I told a guy, “If you can do it to a woman, you can do it to a guy except guys don’t have vaginas; now it’s just a matter of what he’s going to allow you to do.”

He was so disconnected that he insisted that I wasn’t right – which made me give him one of my infamous looks that said, um, which one of us has done this an untold number of times? I’d not say that this guy wasn’t intelligent, but I had to explain it to him and once I did, I saw it in his eyes when he got connected and he said, “Oh. Yeah. You’re right!”

As mentioned, an untold number of times, the sex is easy once that connection is reestablished; getting to this point, eh, not so much because the social implications have been firmly fixed in our minds and the thing that gives a lot of bi guys problems is getting past those implication. Oh, my – I can remember the first time a guy asked me that if we do this, will it make him gay. I almost laughed at him but caught myself because, well, he didn’t know but the social shit tends to make certain connections because, after all, this is how gay men have sex. I answered his question by saying, “I’m not gay… and I’ve been doing this for a while.”

Then waited to see if he’d make the connection and it took him a good minute or two and then all he said was, “Oh.”

I would learn that a guy’s fears tend to create a bottleneck that often makes connecting things difficult. I’ve explained the sex to a guy, and he’s done the “Yeah, but…” thing so many times that I’ve found myself getting frustrated but understanding that once they got disconnected, it’s really not that easy to get reconnected and one’s fears are a damned good cock-blocker. Oh, it gets better!

For a lot of guys with a very bad case of “dick on the brain,” a man’s body is unfamiliar territory… and I’ll give you a moment to think about that and I’ll note that the time is 3:22pm EST.

I’ll wait.

It is now 3:27pm EST – did you see the disconnect? Okay, it’s not that we don’t know that we’re, ah, equipped the same way (absent any birth defects or other shit). It’s not like we’ve never “felt ourselves up” for some reason or another and even in a non-sexual way. Yet, I’ve had guys ask me how to jerk off another guy and in this, I’ve asked, “Have you ever jerked off and if you have, well, that’s how you do it; you just have to figure out how to do it to him and make it feel good.”

Serious sigh. We initially see sex with men as being so different that a lot of guys get seriously disconnected and that’s on top of working to get their head around the fact that they’d like to have sex with a guy and/or are feeling rather romantic toward men. It’s like we know… but we don’t. What’s it like to have a guy suck your dick? Pretty much the same it can be when a woman does it, not counting technique and all that stuff. I’ve learned that when you get stuck on who, it can disconnect you from what. Of course, the man/woman differences are pretty damned obvious but it’s not always easy for some to see the commonalities.

And when a guy’s head is overloaded with visions of sex with men, I’m not sure if it really helps make that very necessary connection since – wait for it – thinking and doing aren’t the same things. We consistently believe that if we think about doing something, we’re going to do it… until we find out differently. It’s okay to have visions of hard dicks stampeding through your head and while this can help guys when it’s time to do something, eh, sometimes, that disconnect becomes, to me, rather obvious and can be a bitch trying to reconnect a guy so that he can do all of that stuff he’s been thinking about and jerking off to.

Like swallowing cum. I’m not joking when I say that guys have asked how to do this and as an example, I once gave a guy a glass of water and said, “Here, drink this.” Got that “this motherfucker is crazy” look from him but he drank the water and asked, “What does this have to do with anything?”

“You swallowed it, didn’t you?” I asked and waiting for his brain to make the connection… and it took him a few moments and, not unexpectedly, he said, “Yeah… but cum is different!”

Is it? Okay, it is but I knew his mind was totally on the fact that it was cum… but not the normal act of swallowing. Acquired taste? Yes, but it’s… not really about the taste as it is the mouth feel cum can have. From thick and cloying to thin and watery and all stops in between while tasting of whatever he’s been putting into his body from total blandness to, holy shit, dude – lay off the salt!

And having it in your mouth can cause… problems, not just because of the potential taste and mouth feel but you know what’s in your mouth… and your brain makes your body do some shit about that like, oh, don’t swallow it! A disconnect: A lot of guys don’t think about unloading their balls into a woman’s mouth and her swallowing it but talk to them about doing the sucking and swallowing and they can become so disconnected that it just goes right past them that… she swallowed it. Wasn’t so much about whether she liked it or not but, yeah, she did it and chances are somewhat good that you watched her do it.

More sighing. Of course, what really causes this disconnect is that having sex with guys is prohibited so giving any “clues” to how to go about it are totally absent and, yeah – some of us actually had to learn how to have sex with a girl because it’s not always as intuitive. So, it “makes sense” that we also have to learn how to have sex with a man but we get disconnected because we do see it as being very different… but we’re thinking who and not what.

You can kiss and cuddle with a guy; you can have fun with his nipples and, yup, you can perform oral sex on him and if it’s on the table, you can stick your dick in him and fuck him until you cum. You can then lie next to him and bask in the afterglow or whatever… and just as you can do with a woman except – and as I’ve been saying lately – she’s not likely to give you the high hard one but, hmm, wouldn’t that be interesting? We are… used to being in the male/dominant role of sex and, as such, being in the female/submissive role is different but if a guy watches gay porn, he can see that, yep and duh – one guy is being fucked and apparently enjoying the daylights out of it… but the disconnect comes into play because that’s a guy on the screen getting nailed… and it’s not you.

Us bi guys can have very serious cases of sex on the brain when it comes to doing it with other guys but until one gains actual experience, this odd disconnect is just… there. You know about this or that… but. This disconnect gets helped along due to the horror stories that we put more “trust” in than anything else and what usually gets a guy into trouble isn’t what he knows – it’s what he doesn’t know.

I find a certain joy in helping guys to not be disconnected but it’s not an easy thing to do. Theory is one thing and practical application something else. You just and very strangely can’t make the connection, well, I’ve seen a lot of guys unable to do it and I’ve had to put my bias in jail in order to walk them through it. Think what, not who because who is always going to be different… but what never changes. Again, it’s okay to let your mind roam and thinking about what you’d like to do and, more likely, what you’re not going to do because that’s what I’d call pretty normal… and so is this disconnect.

A guy said, “I don’t know how to make love to a man…” and I asked him, “Do you know how to make love to a woman?” – and got that look from him, which I ignored and waited for him to get connected and when he did, one more time, he said, “Yeah, but this is different!”

No, it isn’t. Other than people having preferences and all that, what can be done is… universal. Eating pussy and sucking dick are the same things: Oral sex. Anal sex is… anal sex. Lips can be kissed and all that, you know, if homey likes to kiss and guys do believe that kissing a guy is different from kissing a gal and it can be… but the act of kissing isn’t.

That threesome I mentioned way back in the beginning made me see the connection and I’ll admit that I probably ignored it or was just… intuitively aware of it. I don’t know but I did become aware of it watching the guy and the girl giving me head and my brain saying, “They’re doing the same thing to me!” I’m… sure the other connections were made and I do recall spending a lot of time – like a couple of years – putting all of the pieces together and because I was giving so many guys their first time, for me, it became important to be able to get them reconnected to having sex and trying to get it into their heads that there’s no real difference at work here other than what is deemed to be allowable and all that which, of course, varies from person to person and being male or female doesn’t much play into this… but we get disconnected because we think it’s different.

Like, I had a good laugh when Cityman told me about a night he had with a guy and how good it was to make love to him; I had noted that he’s gotten so much better at being able to describe how he’s feeling during sex – and reestablishing connections – as he talked about cumming in the guy’s ass. He withdraws to bask… and wound up with the guy’s dick in his ass and he wasn’t expecting it.

And I almost hurt myself laughing and asked, “What did you think was going to happen?” Well, he didn’t; he was disconnected from the fact that dude does have a dick and it wouldn’t take a whole lot for him to decide to use it. He went through his “usual” stuff about not expecting it and how girly he felt and all that but I asked him, “Did it feel good?” and he grudgingly admitted that it did… but. In this, that whole top/bottom shit creates an even bigger disconnect because we believe that once a guy adopts a role, he’s never going to deviate from it and a lot of guys wind up getting the same wake-up call that Cityman did.

If you can do it to them, they can do it to you, too, if they’re of a mind to. Can you have sex with a woman and get surprised when she pulls out the strap-on, gets it all ready and shit, and gives you the same bizness you just gave her? Yep. It’s a difference but we get disconnected from the fact that whatever we can do to a woman, she could, if she wanted to – and you’d let her – do the same things to you except that “dick” in your ass ain’t ever going to get soft.

Even in this, we get disconnected because for a woman to peg a guy, it’s not about being gay as as many guys think it is and, indeed, a lot of “wannabe bottoms” would prefer that a woman fucks them in the ass instead of a guy because if a woman’s doing it, it’s not gay… and they’re still thinking who and not what.

It’s still sex even if you want to gussie it up as prostate massage. The reality, however, is that your woman just fucked you; what’s the difference? A man will do it and cum in your ass and many guys find that the real thing is… quite and very real… and the same thing women have to say about toys versus the real thing.

Other than a gross lack of education, I think our minds are responsible for this disconnecting; the social shit very much lends itself to being disconnected and not being able to see that at the top of the pile, it’s sex. The who can change but the what – the actual acts of having sex – don’t change… and now it’s all about what one prefers to do and what they’d not want to do.

I think I’ve winged this rather nicely. Maybe. Bisexuality makes you look at having sex in a very different way but tends to disconnect big time due to the fact that we think that having sex with a guy is so very different… and even if we know something about it. The reconnection doesn’t really happen until it’s you and homeboy and something’s about to jump off and, sometimes, I think, a guy can get totally reconnected and not really be all that aware of it but it could be that they are because a lot of guys, after their first experience, talk about how normal it was. Yes, quite scary and all that because it is unknown territory… but it really isn’t, well, except that getting fucked in the ass part.

When it comes to the sex, there’s some… stuff that has to be learned and, just in my opinion alone, the first thing to be learned is that only the person you’re having sex with is different – but the acts aren’t. We can do some pretty wild shit to each other having sex… but we’re having sex. Various ways to do the same thing and whether it’s a guy or a gal that’s partnered with you.

And we don’t always make this connection right away. Bi guys can have a very bad case of “gay on the brain” and it’s not easy to disabuse a guy from thinking this way so that he can see that… it’s sex. We get seriously funny about the who and have preferences about the what but, again, anatomical differences aside?

What you can do with a woman, you can do with a man and whatever you can do to them, they can do it to you, too, you know, if ya don’t mind and all that. Me? Um, I guess I was “slow” about this but, in my own defense, I didn’t pay attention to this until that moment I finally did and once I did, all of the pieces fell into place and, I’ll say, “completed” the way I look at having sex. Not who so much but what and then learning to be… adaptable about what and depending on the who.

Cityman finally got reconnected and he even said that he now sees that the only difference between having sex with a woman and a man is… it’s a woman or a man. He said that he sees that he goes about having sex with either in the same way, well, on his part since people do have their preferences and all that but the important thing is that he now sees this as not being different because he’s thinking what first, then who and making whatever adjustments that are called for.

Do you see what I mean? Are you thinking, “Yeah, but…”? I wouldn’t be surprised about that because this tends to disconnect people even in terms of what they would and wouldn’t do with somebody – which is being more about who than what. It’s not even a thing of who not being important because it is… but maybe you can see what I’m talking about when you’re thinking about getting laid and thinking about who you want to lay you and being disconnected from the fact that anyone can lay you… if you didn’t mind all that much and, yes, a lot of people do mind…

And bisexuals not so much although even we tend to be stuck in the disconnect when we see getting all hot and sweaty with a guy being different than doing the same thing with a woman.

 

Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: 26 May 22

I guess it was, oh, a couple of years ago when I was in the living room, probably playing a game on my Xbox, when I thought I heard a sound close to the patio door; it was loud enough that I got up to peek through the “blinds” to see what was up. I started to turn on the patio light but decided not to; it would light up the patio but not much beyond that and the light reflecting off the patio doors would turn them into a mirror – so, no light.

I peeked through the blinds and saw two figures by the tree that’s out back, dressed in dark clothing and, yep – they have my attention. Why are they out there? What are they up to? Well, I got the answer a few seconds later as one guy leaned against the tree while the other guy knelt down, pulled the leaner’s dick out, and started going to town on it. I’ll admit having watched this for a couple of minutes and idly noting (1) the length of the leaner’s dick and (2) the techniques the kneeler was employing and even gave him a couple of Brownie points for being able to repeatedly take the leaner’s dick all the way down.

The kneeler was obviously in a hurry; the leaner was looking around for anyone who might spot and catch them; he would glance down every now and then to watch what the kneeler was doing and with the “obligatory” one hand on the kneeler’s head. Since the two of them weren’t a threat to break into the apartment, I was about to turn away and let them finish their business in peace when I actually heard the leaner say, “Shit! Shit!” and a moment later, his body was moving in a way that told me that he was cumming in the kneeler’s mouth, who was siphoning off every drop.

I thought that they were going to switch places but, no; the leaner stuffed his dick back into his pants and the kneeler was still kneeling but appeared to be jerking himself off – and may have been doing so all the while because I heard him grunt and, a moment later, he stood up, stuffed his dick back in his pants as well. The two of the were looking around to make sure there, ah, act of public lewdness went unobserved and called themselves sneaking away and had me kinda laughing because they were making enough noise to get someone’s attention.

One of the things I say about sucking dick is that it can be done almost anywhere… and these two guys proved this and in what I would call a “time-honored way;” anywhere you can go where you think – and hope – that you won’t be seen is a good place… although, given some of the porn clips I can often see on Twitter, I guess some of those horny motherfuckers don’t much care if anyone sees them doing this given the many wide-open locations and doing it on buses and subways and it’s obvious there are other people.

Some pretty bold shit. I can actually understand the rush of it; you don’t want to get caught in the act but if you’re “out in the open,” yeah, there’s a chance that you could be seen as well as someone seeing you – but you can’t see them – and they call the cops. Indeed, in the younger days, it wasn’t unusual to be walking with a friend and, man, I wouldn’t mind getting my dick sucked… and the two of us would duck into one of the many alleyways and dicks would get sucked and, in a hurry, too.

It was exciting enough to suck a guy’s dick but the mere thought of getting caught doing it was a rush that I know I enjoyed but not all guys were that… adventurous. Even with the many abandoned apartment buildings we would use as “clubhouses” and dens of youthful debauchery, there was always a chance of getting caught; you never knew who else might be in the place or if some of the other guys would arrive to do their dirt or some other situation.

I remember being on a road trip with a friend and his family and we had the backseat of the car all to ourselves. On the way back, it was quite late and dark outside when my friend leaned over and whispered in my ear, “I’m gonna suck your cock, okay?” And before I could offer up a single word, he had me out and was sucking on me and I was thinking, “Oh shit!” because all his dad had to do was look in the rearview mirror and notice there was only one head to be seen or his mom could turn around and see what was going on. I almost shit myself because she did turn around, saw him with his head in my lap, and said, “Oh… he must be pretty tired, huh?”

“Yes, ma’am, I guess so,” I said – and he had the sense to stop what he was doing to play his part in the illusion. He got me off and, honestly, I don’t know how his parents didn’t suspect that something… untoward was going on in the backseat because I was thinking that they had to smell the scent of sex… because I could and I’m cumming and trying to remain quiet and make my body be still.

My friend sat up and acted like he’d just woke up and asked his dad, “Are we home yet?”

Man, the balls some guys had on them! I was “bold and daring” but not to this extent but later, when we got back to his home and I accepted their invitation to stay the night – and I got to have my way with him – I had to admit that what he’d done in the backseat was… scarily exciting.

I’m a member of the Mile High Club and I very much remember being on pins and needles as a guy blew me in the lavatory; I was pretty paranoid thinking that none of the other passengers and cabin crew really missed two guys trying to look casual heading for the lavatory but there wasn’t one of us waiting outside to use it. And, yes, I’ve done that with women, too; on one late-night flight home, the woman sitting next to me gave me one hell of a blowjob and we never left our seats.

Anywhere, anytime.

You might wonder – and you probably really wouldn’t – why anyone would take such risks and all I can say about that is, again, it is one hell of a rush to be sucking dick or fucking and there’s a good chance you can get busted. Common sense says that if that’s what you want to do, wait until you can be somewhere that affords a lot of privacy… and common sense doesn’t have much to do with things sometimes. I can’t count the number of times I’ve spent the night/weekend with a guy and we’re in his room and going for it big time and with the sure knowledge and understanding that someone could barge into the room at any moment and catch us in flagrante delicto and also understanding that the punishments would be severe and, back in the day, handed out twice: Once by the adult who caught us and then being taken home, ratted out, and beaten again.

Yet, it would still happen. I think back to those days and, Christ Almighty… we were some insane motherfuckers, but I would learn that me and the Band of Horny Brothers weren’t the only such “band” around; if you could find or steal five or ten minutes, any old place could serve to get dicks hard and make them soft again.

I remember taking the trash to the dumpster on bright and sunny day and upon approaching the dumpster, I heard some noise coming from behind the dumpster, which is surrounded by a wooden fence on three sides. I take a look – carefully – and, okay; there’s two guys back there and one guy is fucking the other. They both looked at me, gave me the up-nod greeting, and the guy doing the fucking said, “You know how it is, right?” And kept right on fucking the other guy.

I just nodded, put the trash in the dumpster, and went on about my business… because I do know how it is. One of the bugaboos today is… hosting and not being able to. Hotels/motels aren’t that expensive, but it almost doesn’t make sense to plunk down the price of a room for a night when you’re not going to be there that long – usually – and in the area I live in, I honestly don’t know if there’s any hotels/motels around and even if there was, you still gotta be able to get there and if no one has a car, well, I would guess that trying to walk to one is out of the question and more so when you want to do whatever right now and putting it off, while the sensible and smart thing to do, is just out of the question.

Cityman sent me a clip of a bunch of guys in a men’s room who were pretty much having an orgy in there… and I had that look on my face trying to figure out how the hell those guys were getting away with this and someone not coming in there and seeing them. I thought that, okay, some men’s rooms have doors that can be locked but, um, I would think that somewhere along the line, some guy would have to hit the men’s room, find the door locked, and get to knocking on it and maybe think that the door got accidentally locked and they’d let someone know that the door is locked and no one was answering it when knocked on.

“I’m bold but I’m not that bold,” I had said to Cityman and he had agreed that this is a level of boldness and daring that is just crazy… but I reminded him that one of the highlights of sucking dick is being able to do it almost anywhere.

I know, back again in the early days, that if me and some guy were getting it on and we heard the tiniest of sounds close to us, whatever we were doing would come to a screeching halt because, again, the last thing you wanted to happen was to be having sex… and with another guy. There’s a sense of great paranoia that can be felt; I know in my own head, I would be thinking that we shouldn’t be doing it [wherever we happened to be] but, at the same time, yes – I wanted to be doing whatever we were doing and understanding that trying to get somewhere that afforded a lot more privacy and greatly lessened the chance of getting caught, well, that’s not what happened.

I remain both surprised and fortunate that I’ve only been caught in the act having sex with a guy once… and that was enough.

When needs must and there’s nowhere “safe” to go, any old place will do. I would say that, ideally and when dicks are to be sucked, being able to take all the time you want to do get it done just works and especially if there’s no chance of being caught in flagrante delicto or trying to act like nothing “funny” was going on but in this situation, time definitely isn’t your friend and some of the fastest – and best – blowjobs I’ve ever given and gotten have come in places where the risk of getting caught was great because no hiding place is really safe from observation or intrusion.

What I would often notice is how people could actually see something going on… and just keep on moving and like they didn’t see it. Sure, someone could see something happening and drop a dime to the cops about it but, I think, in many such places, by the time the cops arrived, there would be nothing for them to see and no one to arrest. I mean, I’ve done just that myself but, yeah, having been in that situation more times than I care to admit to, I get it and, like I said, reporting it wouldn’t do any good.

You see it happening, shake your head, and keep going on about your business. Whatever those dudes are doing has nothing to do with you. In the teen years, I accidently caught two guys going at it… and they invited me to join them… and I did because, why the hell not? The area was kinda secluded but still “out in the open” and, um, one guy was fucking me while the other sucked my dick and it was amazingly good… but in the back of my mind, Paranoia was running wild in there. The three of us had the time to sandwich each other and, again, it was so good but as we started to go on our separate ways, the one guy said, “I’m surprised we didn’t get caught!”

I remember sharing this with Cityman and all he said, “You are one nasty critter!”

Well, yeah, I am. I remember clearly that once the three of us walked way, I was thinking about how fucking crazy that was; Common Sense was chastising me big time, reminding me that I knew better than to take such a risk and what I should have done when I stumbled across those guys was to just keep on walking but, nah, that’s not what I did and I should have been ashamed of myself and for various reasons.

The cold and logical part of my mind said, “Yeah, you’re right… but that’s not what we did, and the sex was very damned good so go on somewhere with that polite shit!” Although, that part of my mind did mention that it was a pretty dumb thing to do just the same.

I would say that while a lot of blowjobs are planned and with a lot of care, a whole lot more of them are spontaneous. I’ve been in the company of guys or, sometimes, in the right place at the right time and a guy would say, “If we weren’t here, we could do something!” and I’ve looked around and said, “We still could.” Or I’ve been of a mind that, yes, I’d love to blow you a few times if we could go somewhere private and the other guy says that right here (or close enough for government work) would be just fine and dandy – why wait when you can do it right now? Common Sense says to not go through with anything but, yeah, sometimes, when it comes to giving and getting some head, a gag order gets issued on Common Sense and, besides, in most of such situations, it’s not going to take a whole lot of time to do it.

But it sure as fuck can seem like it’s taking forever. I have no shame in admitting that in those situations, guys (and a few gals) have sucked me off in less than five minutes… but those five minutes felt like a half an hour; I’ve gotten guys off as fast as under a minute but have felt that, again, it took a lot longer than that. When it was fucking, that always seemed to take a hell of a lot longer than it actually did – and provided that nuts didn’t get busted before the dick got fully in there and sometimes that was what happened; even though only a few seconds actually passed, it didn’t feel that way.

Then you meander out of the erstwhile “hiding place” and acting like nothing happened… but having the feeling that if anyone saw you walking away, they knew what you just got finished doing. Paranoia would be having a serious meltdown and Common Sense would be having one as well, but it was always like, well, we did it and didn’t get caught so what’s the problem?

Anywhere. Anytime. You just have to have a huge set of brass balls to give/get head in places that such things shouldn’t be happening. I remember my cross-country bus ride from Utah to Philadelphia and the guy I was hanging with… and we were having sex in the back of a crowded bus and like we were the only ones on the bus… and we were totally ignored, well, until a couple of women figured out what we were up to and wanted to join in the fun. Shit, I still remember the look the bus driver gave me when we stopped for a break; he knew what had been going on back there and, for a moment, I thought he was going to throw me off the bus but he didn’t; he did, however, give me a chiding look that said that I should know better.

And he was right – I did know better but, well, um. When my “road partner” said that he wanted to suck my dick, I should have said no… but that’s not what I said despite knowing that any of the other passengers could complain and both of us could wind up either stranded or, yeah, explaining to the nice policemen why we were in public on a bus and having sex with each other.

I can think of many times where I’d be with a friend – male or female – and the offering of sex was on the table and in a place that, well, it shouldn’t be happening. I’ve asked, “What if we get caught?” and be told a version of, “If we get caught, we get caught – do you wanna do it or not?” The bad part for me was that, say, nine out of ten times, I most certainly wanted to do it and it would get done and while Paranoia and Common Sense would be melting down like ice on a hot stove, I would find that I felt no shame over it. None. But that was because I had learned, early on, that I had to deal with the consequences of my actions and if the consequence was getting caught in the act, well, shit happens, and it would have to be dealt with one way or the other.

Was it worth it? Yes. Was it a dumb thing to do? Yes. In such situations, there’s a rush and thrill in it that is… incredibly scary but lends itself to a greater sense of satisfaction, plus that “smug” thing that can join the party because you just had sex somewhere (and with someone) you had no business having sex… and you got away with it. Maybe someone would suspect what was going on, but you can suspect all you want to… but can you prove it? And I’ll plead the Fifth every time and insist that I have no idea what you’re talking about.

Now, I’m not likely to do some shit like that today, well, I like to believe that I wouldn’t but, yeah, that sense of adventure really hasn’t gone anywhere. I recognize it in myself so when I see others being that adventurous, yeah, I do know what it’s like and that sometimes, the only place you can do it can be anywhere that sex, politely, shouldn’t be done. I would think that, at least for guys, having that sense of… immediacy made sense because finding yourself with a case of blue balls is something you’d not wish on your worst enemy and taking care of it now is way better than waiting to take care of it later.

Outside of that, um, some folks are just that bold. Wouldn’t it be a hoot if we were to do it right here and now and somebody might catch us? It sure would be! Again, Common Sense gets to poking you and yelling at you to not do anything now; go somewhere that’s private and less risky; Paranoia is waking up and having a fit, but the Thrill Seeker is saying, “Go for it and we’ll worry about it if we get caught!”

Getting caught is… embarrassing. Oh, I remember being in the bathroom and jerking off – and just for the fun of it – and getting done with that and leaving the bathroom and my mom said, “If you’re gonna do that, do it in your room – and stop using up all the damned toilet paper!”

I didn’t exactly get caught doing it, but she knew what I was in there doing other than actually going to the bathroom and it was quite embarrassing and me acting like I had no idea what she was talking about, well, I knew not to do that and the only thing I could do was be embarrassed and look contrite but, yeah, while I was happily beating my meat? I knew I could get caught doing it; my mom had no qualms about barging into the bathroom and for whatever reason she felt she had to and that was… quite the rush and one that made busting a nut even more pleasurable.

It’s a pretty insane thing to do and I wish that I had a rock-solid explanation for it, but I don’t. Needs always must and sometimes they must right now. You could wait until a more private setting can be found and still do it… but it wouldn’t be the same as doing it right here, right now. I’ve always known about the rush and thrill of getting caught having sex in places that, again, sex should not ever be done, oh, like the time a woman blew me while I was at a concert… and there were a whole lot of people right there as she did it. And those who didn’t choose to watch her get me off… ignored it. It was… delightfully scary and that’s hard to explain unless, of course, you, too, happen to know what I’m talking about.

It defies common sense. You do, in fact, know better and you know that you could get arrested for it if the cops happen to catch you at it… and you do it anyway. I got to understand early on that I could literally have sex anywhere and at any time as long as there was x-amount of time available to not be discovered in some way, like, yeah, you haven’t lived until you’re having sex with someone… and somebody’s looking for you and you know that they are because you’re close enough to hear them asking other people if they’ve seen you. When it was sucking dicks, you just needed a few scant minutes to get the quickie in and that time dilation thing, well, that’s some weird shit all by itself.

Hey, let’s duck in here so I can suck your dick and, hopefully, no one will see us doing it. Um, no, we shouldn’t do that but, fuck it – why not? Well, “why not” is because you could get into a world of trouble if ya get caught but until you do… why not? I “caught” those guys out back and sneaking in a blowjob and probably because they had no other place they could do it. Same with the guys behind the dumpster; I’m sure they would have preferred to be on a bed in a room that gave them some privacy… but that’s not how it went down and it did in the only way it could… and it had to.

What a rush.

 

Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: 25 May 22

Okay, threesomes. Why this thought today? Ha, you’re asking me like I know! Anyway…

Mention this word to a bisexual and just pay attention to how they react to it and if they’re looking at you like you’ve lost your mind, I’d say that’s the “usual” response. Three “typical” verbal responses are, “Oh, hell no!,” “I’ve thought about it but I don’t think I could do it…,” and “Oh, hell yeah!”

Why is this sexual act such a “hot button” kind of thing? The answers I came up with was interesting and not all-inclusive but the one at the top of the list is that a for a bisexual in a threesome, this is the “ultimate” test of their bisexuality provided they can get both a woman and a man to indulge them. One of the other things I reasoned is that bisexuals want to share and includes, I thought, that weird compulsion to tell people that they’re bisexual.

I have heard so many threesome horror stories and to the extent that it’s generally accepted that it’s not going to work and the old adage that two’s company, three’s a crowd and sharing sex – and sharing our partner in this if in a relationship – is verboten. Don’t even think about it and don’t let the word come out of your mouth. I reasoned that because we are mandated to only have sex one-on-one and then whatever sex is happening is strictly private, doing anything other than this just freaks a lot of people out.

Can a threesome be fun and exciting? Yep. I think that for some, it’s an even better fantasy although I’ve known some bisexuals to feel… weird because they were thinking about it and some admitted that they didn’t know why they started thinking about it. Do I know? I sure as hell don’t but I have hypothesized that bisexuality tends to free one from traditional and conventional thinking about sex and, as such, the possibilities are now on the table for consideration or, if one knows about such things, well, they make sense.

Or something like that. It’s one thing to be able to confirm one’s bisexuality by taking the plunge into same-sex sex and for many, this is enough but it hadn’t escaped my attention that a lot of “newly minted bisexuals” went from taking that first plunge one-on-one with someone to thinking about threesomes and I’m not sure of the mechanism that takes place other than it sounds like a good idea and, again, I’ve been told by many that, for them, to get into a MFM threesome is, again, the ultimate test. Now, it doesn’t mean that the two Ms are going to start wrecking shop on each other but just being able to be in each other’s presence – and not freaking the fuck out over shit like incidental contact – well, that proves a lot and this is the part where I have to mention that being in a threesome isn’t a sexuality-based thing but, yeah, bisexuals are more known for bringing this up.

You don’t have to be one of the -sexuals to indulge – you just have to want to. A threesome is… kinky in that it’s not the usual way to have sex but depending on where one’s head is about having sex, it’s either a very scary proposition or a very exciting one. Now, the “bad” shit.

Mention this to a bisexual woman and do so at your own peril. It’s a “classic” negative response and guys bringing this up to a bisexual woman only serves to worsen our reputation as men and enough guys have fucked this up and epically so that bisexual women are loathe to even mention to a guy (or their guy) that they’re bisexual. Even with women, it can be one of those things that might be nice to think about but to dive right on in? Yeah, no; one bisexual woman I knew told me that she’d never go for it because the thought of having two guys trying to have their way with her just freaked her out and evoked fears of being raped. Wow – powerful shit and quite valid. Some who have wanted to have one have said that as long as they can interact more with the other woman than the guy who’s present, eh, it might not be all that bad but, yeah, so many guys have fucked up the MFF threesome so much that it remains just a thought.

That and women aren’t exactly known to be all that sharing in this… but guys aren’t either. I remember telling a woman I was involved with that I’m bisexual and the first thing out of her mouth was, “Don’t even think about asking me to be in a threesome!” I was floored because the thought wasn’t even on my mind and, yeah, I had to listen to her take something I wanted to share with her and make it all about her and insisting that I was guilty of wanting a threesome with her involved, how she felt about that, yada, yada, I should have kept my big mouth shut.

On the other side of this clusterfuck, I have known bisexual women who want a threesome but convincing her guy, well, she should have kept her big mouth shut because guys are serious funny about sharing “their pussy” with others. I’ve known guys who were quite sure that they could handle a threesome and seeing their woman getting busy with someone else and have found that, nope, they couldn’t handle it and, yes, I’ve known women who have thought the same thing and with the same result.

One of the “reasons” I thought about in regard to why threesomes don’t always go well was that we don’t know how to have sex with more than one person; in the times I’d been in one and it went south, I found that people have their own idea about how the sex is supposed to happen as well as one person almost always winding up being a spectator as the other two are getting it on and, well, it gets even more interesting from there. I’ve heard many talk about a threesome and in some pretty explicit details and among couples interested in them, a set of rules and restrictions that can make having sex cumbersome and difficult and, wow, what a clusterfuck in the making.

It’s not that they don’t happen or that they don’t go well because they do and can… just not as a matter of course and “especially” for some bisexuals because while their bisexuality can open their mind to the possibilities, they still have some stuff to learn about having sex in… less restrictive ways. Oh, my stars and garters… this gets seriously complicated which is why a bisexual contemplating a threesome – and for whatever reason they’re doing it – will, more often than not, leave it as a thought exercise or a fantasy to tantalize their imagination.

For many bisexuals, just taking the plunge is daunting enough; you have to change the way you think about sex in order to get into it and not “all bisexuals” find this easy to do so it almost stands to reason that if they have difficulties taking the plunge, engaging in a threesome just might overload their brains and uncomfortably so because it calls for being able to expunge, well, pretty much everything one knows about having sex and including the mandate that it’s one-on-one only and so private that it is not ever to be shared with anyone else and including not even talking about having sex.

Which even made me wonder why a lot of people – and bisexuals in particular – were so keen to do something that can be so terribly complicated and known to fail more than it succeeds. Other than what I’ve already said about this, if there’s a “real reason” for this bigger step outside of the box and where bisexuals are concerned, I don’t know what it is.

I grew up with this. I could be with two of my male friends and we want to do it but either we couldn’t find a fourth guy or our need to do it right now made delaying things something we didn’t want to be bothered with. As I recall, the first few attempts didn’t go well because we couldn’t figure out how all three of us could do this – and then we did figure it out but even then, someone would wind up on the sidelines while the other two guys were wailing on each other and jumping into what they were doing would often start arguments, but we would figure out how to not make this a problem because no one wanted to be left out and it “didn’t make sense” to leave someone just being there and not having any fun or having to wait their turn with someone.

The Hot in the Ass Girls were all for having sex with two guys or, if you were lucky (and as I seemed to get) if two of them were about to do it, you could be invited to join them and I found out early on that trying to make two girls happy all by myself was hard to do but if they were having fun with each other, that took a lot of pressure off of me. We just innately figured out how to do it and without pissing someone off. Indeed, we discovered that the “free-for-all” version of this worked better; just get on in there and now there’s a “pile of bodies” just all entwined and most of the time, when it was all said and done, everyone walked away happy… and walking funny, too.

And if there were more than three of us? Not a problem! Again, we just figured it out but the thing I would later get to understand about this is that, as young and horny critters, we hadn’t been “fully indoctrinated” in the way sex is supposed to be and, plainly, we didn’t know that it was the “wrong” way to do it but since the majority of us were bisexual, we were already doing it the “wrong” way which made three of us – and in any combination – having sex more exciting.

Three was nice… but four was always better because it allowed one-on-one stuff and, boy, was it fun to change partners and even more so when all four of us went both ways; no one left unsatisfied because we felt it was wrong for that to happen. I would say that down the road – and when we started developing having favorite guys and gals to have sex with, it made the whole group sex dynamic a lot more complicated and to the point where it just sucked to be with a group – three or more – and being left out of the fun because of favoritism and us becoming… insularly funny about who we’d have sex with and more of us were walking away being seriously pissed off than we were walking away with everyone being pleased and happy.

When you want it from a specific person and in a specific way, having another person in the mix, well, how’s that gonna work? Guys would get… surly if another guy was trying to get between them and the girl they were trying to have sex with and, man, it would get ugly in a hurry and I would often hear the girl in the mix being a peacekeeper and saying that there was “enough of her to go around” and we should shop acting like idiots about it. I would say that it was “easier” if both guys were bi and some girls found that if we paid some attention to each other, it gave them a break from having both us doing stuff to her… but, yeah, guys would just fuck this up because their idea of having sex, “on the whole” didn’t include having to share the pussy and, again, some guys would just not act right and to the point where the girl involved didn’t want anything to do with the situation.

Or a guy would think it would be a good idea to watch his girl having sex with him and another guy… and then find out it wasn’t. Likewise, some gals would think it would be fun if her and her girl got it on with a boyfriend and the poor guy would get to experience a woman’s scorn when he’d be having more fun with the other girl and in ways that he wasn’t having fun with her alone.

And the specter of gayness would, more often than not, haunt a lot of proposed three- and foursomes. One had to be… sexually open to get into group sex stuff but not so open to “that gay-assed shit” and, yup, guys more than gals in my experiences and observations. The whole premise just got horribly messy and, again, enough horror stories existed to make getting down like this not even worth it. I understood this… but it still didn’t explain to me why a lot of bisexuals wanted a three-or foursome to happen or had serious thoughts about it and more so when sharing sex like this was anathema.

It’s one thing to get your head around being bisexual and another thing to contemplate this… next step in one’s sexual evolution and a step that a lot of bisexuals, for some reason, found to be necessary. More proof of concept? Maybe because nothing proves one’s bisexuality more than being able to have sex with a guy and a gal at the same time, you know, if all parties were agreeable to this wide-open form of sex. It’s also how I learned about “heat of the moment” stuff, too. Let’s just say that I learned to not be surprised when someone who was against such things would be, ah, not all that much against it.

You “haven’t lived” until you’re in a threesome with a woman, you’re eating the shit out of her pussy and your dick is being sucked… and it’s not by the woman you’re eating. I have personally seen two straight women get after each other and after it was said and made clear that there would be none of that “gay shit” jumping off… and there they are doing “gay shit.” One guy said – and when his girl wanted to know why he had started sucking my dick – “It just felt like the right thing to do.” Or another guy who said, “Well, it was right there, so…” And yet another guy who told me that he was feeling kinda left out and going down on me just made sense to him, but he didn’t know why it did because he didn’t “like guys like that.”

I don’t pretend to understand why either, but the power of sex is pretty… powerful. Still, to be able to participate in group sex, one has to have their head “in the right place” to do it and it seemed to me that bisexuals just “got” their heads into the necessary place to be able to think about it and then be able to do it, you know, if you could find others who’d want to and that wasn’t even easy because, I’ll say, most people are just funny about it. Sounds like a good idea but let’s not and say we did.

It’s some scary shit. Not everyone who is bisexual can adjust to the concept of it and I think that there’s a big difference between knowing that people have threesomes but now it’s a lot more personal than that. Many say that they can’t imagine themselves having a threesome and I’ve thought this is because such a thing is… unthinkable; this is not the way sex is supposed to be! Yet, well, shit: People get into threesomes and not everyone finds that it’s a major mistake. But as with a lot of other things, we pay more attention to the horror stories than we do anything else and, you betcha, the horror stories are real, and I’ve seen my share of them unfold.

It’s a motherfucker trying to get past that “mental block” which is why I say that one’s head has to be in the right place and that place is not being stuck in the way it’s supposed to be. If one can feel very vulnerable having sex, a threesome just ramps that up and it’s just not women who have a problem with it. It’s highly theoretical; you can get folks to intelligently understand it… but. Things like slut shaming and the fear of being homosexual come into play as well as any prior sexual traumas and, yeah, it gets seriously messy and to the point where one just ain’t having anything to do with it… but I still don’t know why a lot of bisexuals get this “undoable” thing into their head other than, again, to say that bisexuality expands one’s horizons and it makes sense even if only theoretically so. It’s like a “next step” in one’s sexual evolution but one so fraught with issues that, nah, it ain’t worth the hassles and whether those hassles are real or imagined.

I… get a kick out of how people react if they asked me if I’d be a part of a threesome and I’ll say, “Sure – why not?” Ah, but that’s because I’ve been there and done that and many times; I grew up with it so it’s not something that I have to get my head around. The looks I have gotten when they tack on, “Well, what if it was two guys and a gal?” and I say, “That works.” “What if the other guy wanted to do something with you?” And I have “outed” myself by saying, “It wouldn’t be a problem.”

And it wouldn’t be for two reasons. One is, duh, I’m bisexual and the other is that I have a “different” view of what having sex means. “Shit” doesn’t have to or always happen and when with a guy who ain’t down like that, I do know how to keep my hands to myself… but after being in such a situation and the other guy said, “Yo, suck my dick!” and, well, he asked for it and I didn’t mind one bit… but afterward, oh, boy, did we have quite the conversation and beginning with him apologizing and being shocked that I blew him. Why did he say that? He said that he didn’t know… but I did and, no, I didn’t bother to explain it to him other than to say, “It happens sometimes – it’s not that big of a deal.”

And you have to know that it isn’t… and a lot of people – including some bisexuals – believe that it is that big of a deal and that group sex is too “freaky” for them and I can’t shake the thought that it’s too freaky for a lot of people because we are told that this is not the way to have sex. One person at a time… but never more than one. Being told and/or hearing that if you do this, it’s going to be the worst thing you’ve ever done and I tend to believe that if you think it’s going to be fucked up, it’s going to be fucked up and you’d go into this having this running around in your head.

Stars and garters… this is some squirrelly stuff. Too many people hear bisexual and assume that threesomes is something we all get into when the truth is a bit different, not because a bisexual might not think about this but we just don’t know how to and some folks can’t learn and, yeah, they don’t want to; it’s “freaky” enough to be bisexual.

Still, I am unable to shake or debunk the thought that if you’re bisexual, the ultimate proof of this is to be in a threesome with a man and a woman. It requires such a high degree of sexual openness that for me to say it isn’t funny doesn’t do it any real justice. Many say that they don’t need to throw it down like this to “validate” their bisexuality and I agree with this but, yeah, don’t I know differently? Even if it’s something they get to experience one time. Being able to take yet another step out of the box social norms would prefer we not step out of in any way.

I am not sure if bisexuals “innately” understand that this is a next-step kind of thing and that gets… messy because, again, one doesn’t have to be bisexual in order to want to have sex like this, but I understand that it’s something that has been associated with bisexuality; “bisexual” and “threesome” just goes hand-in-hand, and I don’t know why we became the owners of this other than maybe it being a “given” that if you go both ways, well, you’re just that freaky to begin with so getting into a threesome is part and parcel of this level of freakiness… and that could be a lot more right than I know.

What I do know is that you mention this word, chances are good someone is going to feel some kind of way about it and not a good way. Sex is one-on-one only and is to never be shared with anyone. There are many bi guys and gals who, if you uttered this word to them, will hand you your head and might even put it on a pike and as a warning to others to never, ever, say this word to them. I’ve revealed my bisexuality to others and I’ve never done it without the now-dreaded threesome word entering the conversation. Yep – bisexual women are adamant that a threesome isn’t wanted or needed and how dare you even mention it – what kind of girl do you think I am? Most bi women I know of will not let it be known that they’re bi and especially if they have a man.

It’s not always a thing of homey giving her the usual raft of shit for not being strictly-dickly but we have fucked this up big time because a woman would want to explore the sex with another woman… without him sticking his nose – and his dick – into things and, sad to say, a lot of us are prone to doing just that because the “hottest” thing for some guys is to be in a threesome with two women and watching them do each other… and that is enough to piss a lot of women off and objectifies them in ways they don’t want to be bothered with.

It takes a certain mindset to have group sex and it’s a mindset that, truthfully, a lot of bisexuals don’t have and, well, a lot of people can’t develop it. It’s not the way it’s supposed to be and it’s too private to boot. Group sex… exposes some stuff that a lot of folks would prefer to not be exposed and where bisexuality is concerned – and since we supposedly own this – it’s a next-step kind of thing that shouldn’t be taken because everyone know how fucked up it would get and it’s way too easy to assume that it will be fucked up.

This is some shit, ain’t it? Many bisexual men want to experience this and, believe it or not, so do many bisexual women either as “proof” of their bisexuality or their bisexuality has allowed them to change their views about having sex – period – and I find nothing wrong or unusual about that and, no, this isn’t my very favorable bias talking; I know what other bisexual men and women have told me about this and asking them why has tended to “boil down” to it just making sense. Well, it does… if you can get your head around it.

I would… suppose that bisexuals find it “easier” to contemplate given what it takes to get one’s head around being bisexual in the first place. If you can break the rules and have sex in the same-sex way of things, eh, having a threesome “makes sense” and, yeah, it does… and I don’t know why it does other than, once more, being bisexual greatly expands one’s sexual horizons and exposes them to the possibilities – but whether or not they can actually throw it down like that? Hmm.

You just gotta have your head in a certain place to be able to do it and enjoy it. Bisexuals don’t really own this given how many times I’ve been in a threesome with straight people and even gay dudes. It becomes a problem when individual thoughts make it a problem; I’ve seen people lock shit down tightly and I understand why they do and for no other reason than to make sure they avoid stuff they don’t want to do. A lot of threesomes I’ve been in as an adult are… scripted and especially if it’s a couple that wants to do this. I get it and I’ve had “the rules” laid out for me in ways that has gotten even me to think that, nah, it’s not worth it because if we’re gonna have sex, let’s have sex and do our best to make it fun for everyone.

It’s not like it can’t be fun with a lot of rules in play because it can be and I’ve learned that if someone suggests that we have one, okay, I’m fine with it… but how do you want to go about it? Tell me the rules and the restrictions involved; I’m flexible and I can adjust and adapt. Nothing is going to happen that you don’t want to happen but I always have an awareness of what being in the heat of the moment can make happen, oh, like Mr. Straight Guy getting it into his head that sticking a finger in my ass sounds like a good idea and, yes, I’ve had that happen. Or a guy with a “no-contact order” doing some contacting with me. I’ve learned to expect these things but I know “some shit” about having sex and I’m okay with it.

Because it’s sex. It’s being intimate in a way that really does freak a lot of people out and tends to, yeah, reveal a lot of sexual insecurities that are best left unrevealed. Things like performance issues are seriously embarrassing or someone “being out of control” can be just as embarrassing and, uh-huh, someone finding out in that moment that this wasn’t the good idea that they thought it to be. There is a whole lot of shit that has to be flushed down the toilet to be able to engage in group sex of any kind and the truth is, bisexual or not, a lot of people can’t flush the toilet.

Best sigh ever. This has been attached to bisexuality for as long as I can remember. It’s either a very fun thing to do or the worst thing ever. I am of a mind that they tend to fail a lot because the people involved have their own ideas and expectations about how this is supposed to – or should – work. I remember Cityman telling me about his first threesome with two guys… and how things did not go well at all, and I chided him for thinking that it was going to go down the way he expected to and told him that he just got an important lesson about threesomes and how people can be about getting laid and the prevailing thought that sex is only supposed to be done one-on-one.

He had shared that not only did he feel left out at times, but the other guys had also expressed this as well and Jealousy wormed its way into things; he said that one guy got totally pissed off because the other guy was having a field day sucking him and some other shit that made the whole thing break down and uncomfortably so. I told him that the mistake he made, other than the guys he decided to do this with, was assuming that everyone was going to go about this the way he envisioned it and thinking that those guys would look at this the way he looked at it.

Not that he was looking at it incorrectly, mind you and at a high level of thought but, again, he got an important lesson on how funny guys – in this situation – can be about things. He got to be in a threesome with a man and his wife and, my god, he made so many mistakes because he really didn’t “play by the rules” and didn’t pay much attention to how the couple wanted things to go. He totally alienated the bi guy in favor of very much wanting to do the guy’s wife – and that wasn’t the way it was supposed to happen. At first, he didn’t think he did anything wrong but would later admit that, yeah, he fucked it up so bad that they aren’t of a mind to invite him to join them again.

And the funny part, to me, was that I told him what not to do when he laid out what they wanted from him… and he did it anyway. And that, folks, is how you totally and completely fuck up a threesome. If it’s a “planned” thing, you just do not deviate from the plan as presented. Yes, they can happen spontaneously and can be quite interesting but can also be… clumsy and awkward when you don’t know how the other participants like their sex but it’s all about playing it by ear for the most part and asking questions if/when possible.

So much shit to and behind this being tightly associated with bisexuals and how it crosses the mind of many bisexuals; they’re either “all for it” or totally against it. Yet another example of thinking and doing not being the same things but why the thought comes up to begin with just escapes me. You learn some stuff about people and where their head is about having sex, both pro and con and I’ve learned that people have more reasons why they won’t be in a threesome than they do for wanting to be in one, bisexual or otherwise.

That’s just how it is. It’s not the sex itself but what we think and believe it’s supposed to happen or why it shouldn’t.

 

Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: 24 May 22

In the wee hours of this morning, I had the “weirdest” thoughts about guys and anal sex and, in particular, guys who want to bottom… and haven’t gotten to it yet and why they might not have (and other than what they might say to this).

Earlier, Cityman had sent me a porn clip of a guy just wailing away on a woman who was all “pretzelized” and, looking at her face, she was not having fun being hammered. While we were discussing the pros and cons we took away from the clip, I got to wondering if some guys are afraid to be fucked… because they know what they do when they slide their prick into a woman and especially if she’s not liking how it’s going.

Sigh. This is like the “holy grail” of M2M sex and, well, yeah, we know what’s said about it and those who aren’t fans of this wonder why a guy would want to fuck someone in the ass and why someone would want to. Of course, the first and obvious thing is that among men, um, other than mouths, that doesn’t leave any other place for this to take place and who doesn’t know about it hurting like nothing you’ve ever felt before? That, all by itself, is enough to make guys clench their butt cheeks tighter than white on rice but, yeah, is some of the resistance to being fucked due to guys knowing what they do to women… and now it’s their turn?

A lot of guys who get boned often speak to how… girly and bitchy it feels. That’s a… mental thing; our brain takes this… input and relates it to what we know – screwing women and they’re the only ones who can and should be screwed but, yeah, there you are, all lubed up, and waiting in anticipation for the moment when homey’s lubed-up knob knocks on your back door and demanding entrance and just goes right on in and, whew, holy shit, wow, um, wait, wait – give me a moment or if that moment is really unbearable, take it out! If you make it past that part and manage to get adjusted, well, you’re going to be fucked and “just like” you fucked the last woman you fucked… and that girly, bitchy feeling can wash over you in either an ugly or very delightful way, depending on where your head really is about what’s being done to you.

I know that I’ve felt that way and it’s… disturbing and “conflicting” because my mind knows that I’m a guy; yet I’m being screwed like a girl would be and, to “make it worse,” I wanted to be screwed. I always go back to that very (and literal) seminal moment when a guy was unloading his balls into me and I thought, “He’s trying to get me pregnant!” I still don’t know where that thought came from other than it was in my head somewhere and decided to make itself known at the right or wrong time – and depending how I’m feeling about that moment.

I knew some guys who wanted to be screwed but decided not to go through it… because, as they shared, they knew what they did to women and they really didn’t want to find out what it’s like to be fucked so, if nothing else, it was a fantasy that they had no desire to realize. I couldn’t say that I blamed them for thinking this way but as I say a whole lot, when you have sex with a man, you get to learn some of the same things women do, from what they like and what they can’t stand or not gonna put up with.

It can make one feel so… vulnerable and for many, that’s not a good feeling and more so when you find yourself at his “mercy” when his dick is in you and being able to shake this rather scary feeling isn’t easy to do… and you very much get an idea what a woman might be feeling in those moments. I found that being screwed changed the way I screwed women because, yep, I found what I liked about it and what would make me want to punch homey dead in the balls and as hard as I could manage to do so.

In the early going, I was of a mind that a lot of the big-dicked guys who’d fuck me were doing so because a woman didn’t want to be bothered with homey wreaking havoc on her cervix and just hammering away inside of her like he’s lost his fucking mind. I also was of a mind that they refused to be fucked and not just because it was an affront to their masculinity but because they didn’t want some dude doing to them what they’d done to women – and what turned women off about them.

Paybacks are a bitch… and revenge is a motherfucker. Perhaps for some guys who are considering being fucked but, um, let’s not and say we did, they know that karma is about to pay them a visit and give them a serious taste of the same medicine.

It’s all “fun and games” until you feel his knob shoving those muscles aside and once he gains entrance, unless you stop him, you know how this is going to end and the “funny” part is that you knew this before things even got to this point and moment. You wanted to know what it was like… and now you know and maybe you’re one and done with this but if you’ve learned nothing from this, you’ve learned what it can feel like to women to be fucked and inseminated.

So many horror stories that leaves being dicked down a fantasy for some guys. Yeah, yeah, it can hurt going in but is that the only reason why for them, this act remains in the realm of fantasy because they know what they do when they fuck a woman… and now, some guy wants to do the same thing to them? Maybe. I know guys toss out the disease card on this one and while it’s a reality if it’s done in the raw, that can be eliminated easily enough. Is it going to hurt? You bet your ass it will; you can find out the tips and tricks other guys use to “get past” that moment but that’s theory… until, well, you know.

Maybe karma is a pissed-off bitch and guys “know” this so if a guy is asking about fucking them, the answer is a hard no. I can’t say that I know this for a fact but y’all should know by now how my mind tends to work and some of the “weird” shit it tends to slide into my conscious thinking.

I remember talking to Cityman about this and him putting this out for discussion: What does a bottom get out of being fucked? One of the things I told him was that the trick of being fucked in the ass is being able to find the pleasure in it and not assume that it’s just going to be there… and if he really wanted to know, there’s only one way to find out. I also, um, strongly suggested that he gets fucked so that he can understand how the makes the other guy feel when he’s sliding all of his dick in the guy’s ass.

Which he eventually did and the thing that bothered him more than the pain and discomfort of having a big dick in his ass was the fact that he felt like “a little bitch” and he even admitted to acting like one while trying to adjust to things. I now wonder – and I’ll ask him later – if he had the bitchy feeling in mind before the fact or did it slammed into him “out of nowhere;” his answer might be interesting and could speak to an underlying reason why he was very leery about it.

Another sigh. I get to see the guys with virgin assholes go on and on about having their first time with this and especially the preference for a big dick; they’ll also go on and on about why they haven’t taken this particular plunge and lose their cherry… and the asshole that lives in my head just got to wondering if it’s possible that they still have their cherry… because they are all too aware of how they’ve gone about fucking women and getting feedback that, well, might not give a guy the five-star review he might want to get… and karma will show up to exact some revenge .

Hmm.

 

Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: 22 May 22

As I was out in the heat getting yesterday’s mail, my brain said, “You know, you can break down your evolution in bisexuality into different segments! Lemme show you!”

What I was “seeing” was that I could, indeed, break it down into different pieces. First, from 9 to 16; 18 to 25; 30 to 35; 40 to 45; 50 to 60. Don’t worry about the “in between” ages.

From 9 to 16, I was in discovery mode and learning the ins and out of not only having sex with girls but having it with boys while trying to absorb as much information that was available that would explain what I was and, well, why I was. I would say that I learned, oh, maybe 45% of what I know about having sex in this period of time and it helped that I was, er, um, way too eager to have sex and pretty much with anyone who wanted to – and that learning includes all the mistakes I made when it came to who and what.

From 18 to 25, it was more about learning about others like me while being heavily into giving guys their first experience. I knew why I was like this, what I loved and “hated” about it, but now I was finding out about other people in this and, yeah, wondering if there was some kind of “notice board” that told a lot of guys that if they wanted to know about having sex with dudes, come see me. That had me also wondering what it was about me that told guys that weren’t referred to me that not only could they talk to me about this, but chances were also very good that they’d get that first experience with me.

Eight out of ten guys found out that having sex with guys wasn’t as bad as they thought it to be; the other two guys found this out with someone else but would come back to me to tell me that I was right – there was absolutely nothing to be afraid of.

From 30 to 35, I was still absorbing information but, sexually, kinda coasting. Being in an open and poly relationship changed things for me and I spent more time assimilating the changes than I was getting dick, but I was because – and I’ll say most of the time – there were still men who were now in their “mid-life crisis” years who were looking for an alternative to having sex with women and now I was a “target” for the 20-somethings who were looking for someone to show them the ropes.

I would be able to see that from 9 to 35, there were environmental things that were also at work, like the level of unemployment and a lot of men being “despondent” because getting a career off the ground was very hard to do as well as trying to get – and stay – with a woman would bring their own problems to the table. I would see that a lot of the guys I’d have sex with or talk to about it was “at their wit’s end” as far as being able to get laid was concerned and the number of men who I’d say were “truly bisexual” was pretty low. I would estimate that now, five out of ten guys would learn about this from me and the other five guys were somewhere on the fence about it and “taking a knee” where actually doing something was concerned.

The angst against homosexuals, from my perspective alone, ran through the 9 to 35 years and gained strength along the way and, yeah, I just realized that I forgot to mention that HIV/AIDS came to the party in the 18-to-25-time segment and was very much a part of the environmental impact as well so, yeah, my bad on that one. Still, in the 30 to 35 period, there were both men and women who, if nothing else, wanted to know if there was anything else other than straight sex and if they knew there was, could I tell or show them how to have it? I would pat myself on the back to realize that I had become a subject matter expert on male bisexuality and thanks to being married to a bisexual woman, learning some important stuff about that – and then piecing all of this information together in order to get a better picture of what was going on with the many people I’d been in contact with that insisted that they not be all that straight.

I would find myself taking great advantage of the World Wide Web to dig deep into the past. I would also understand that I was really being… anal about this and would also recognize that the moment I set myself on the path to answer that now-infamous question – and one that I had answered a long time ago – only served to open a huge can of worms that maybe I shouldn’t have opened but since I did, there was no closing the can at this point.

I would say that from 40 to 60, it was “more of the same” and that included gathering more information about bisexuality than, at times, my mind wanted to deal with. Still getting dick when I wanted it but, eh, that wasn’t really the point… but what was the point was me seeing and understanding that while I had a lot of knowledge and experience being bisexual, there were guys who were, as I like to put it, showing up late to the party or just now returning to it… and, damn it, I wanted to know why because all along the way, I never did like someone asking me a question about this and me saying, “I don’t know.” Ah, but one of the things I learned in the 30 to 35 segment was that I didn’t have to know the answer – I just had to know who did – which just added to the information overload going on inside my head.

The one “advantage” I’ve had in this is having the time to assimilate all of this, from my own behaviors to those I’d learn from so many people I couldn’t tell you how many – and I wouldn’t even try to. I would see that from, oh, 18 to 35, it was appalling to see how much other people didn’t know about this as well as how high the bullshit surrounding bisexuality was piling up and among men, yeah – that ever-present fear of being gay was still hanging around. In that same period, I would learn to look at things without my own biases putting their two cents in. Yep, I am very damned passionate about bisexuality and being bisexual and I know why I am but in order to inform others, most of the time, I had to be able to set this aside so I could tell them what they wanted to know… and without a single piece of bullshit to foul things up.

From 18 to 50, I would learn that men were even weirder about this than I knew them to be and given a lot of the “changes of direction” I would see in the overall dynamic and some of them would have me scratching my head because, of course, things weren’t like this or that when I was growing up but it’s very damned true that change is constantly changing and I had to keep up with it as best I could because those changes directly impacted my ability to get dick when I wanted to and affected other guys in some way or another.

From 50 to 60 and into the here and now, wow, I hate to say it, but some guys are serious pussies about this. I am often appalled at how guys don’t seem to know how their body works and even more appalled that what they know about M2M sex is what they’ve seen watching porn… but not really that surprising since in those prior segments, I’d often run across a guy who was interested in doing something because he saw it watching porn and, more often than not, I’d have to disabuse them out of thinking that what they were seeing was the way things were really done.

All along the way, guys were afraid of becoming gay and I only know of maybe two or three guys I was involved with in some way who did decide that being gay is what worked best for them. On the social front, guys on the DL to get dick were giving the place a bad name by spreading STDs all over the place and, as such, very much introducing the disease card to the deck. What appalls me is that, in the past, guys were concerned about this, but they would act as responsibly as humanly possible to not be part of the problem. The bad part was that some men have “always been careless” about this and this, too, got my attention to find out if they were truly being careless and reckless or they were victims of their own ignorance about such things. Oh, wait – that’s my bias showing up to say hi and when I started paying attention to this – and along a lot of the time segments – I had to kick my own ass and remind myself that just because I knew some shit about this didn’t mean that all guys did, well, not until they found themselves infected with something.

My jaw tends to wind up on the floor a lot these days to see men behaving the way they are about this. I came from a time where casual sex – just hooking up with a guy – was the way to do things because guys just weren’t trying to hear about anything that even hinted at being in a relationship and, yes, because that was just too gay for them. Today, men have associated the risk of STDs with casual sex which, given what I’d been learning all along, doesn’t surprise me all that much given how much, at the social level, we are against people having sex just for the hell of it and the ever-present, if not wholly unwritten rule that says the only allowable sex is relationship sex.

I’m not kidding when I say there are men out there who firmly believe that if they had casual sex with a guy, they’re going to be infected with something and they very much believe that being in a FWB relationship with a guy is safer, well, until they find out what I’ve always known: It isn’t. Usually is but not really because, as I’ve said here before, you have no idea where his dick has been when he’s not with you.

Also, from the 18 to 50 segment, married men were preferred over those guys who weren’t married or in a relationship. Indeed, I would learn that when I got married, there were more men and women who wanted to have sex with me than there was before I got married! What was up with that? Well, I’d find out; guys in a relationship tend to be more grounded and sexually experienced than guys who weren’t in a relationship. Not that they really weren’t but guys in a relationship were more… stable. I would, oh, in the 25 to 35 overlaps, wonder if it was just my imagination or were guys going about this in similar ways that women were doing. Hmm. I’d have to keep my eye on this.

I can see how the dynamic has been evolving over all this time of my life. A lot of the “same old shit” I heard in the 9 to 16 period and a lot of new shit that makes sense – like how it was “decided” that two guys having sex didn’t mean they were being less than a man – but, on the downside, well, guys just acting weird about it and rehashing stereotypes and myths and coming up with their own “shit” that, if it did anything, was keeping guys sitting on the bench and coming up with every excuse they could think of to stay on the bench.

Of course, the social shit has been flying all over the place and, again, ever since the NY Times wrote that article about bisexuality being proven to be real… which really had me questioning our collective intelligence because it’s always been real, but this also spoke to what I was learning about why we are so… childish about sex and the root of this. I’ve sat back and watched people redefining what bisexuality is and on an almost daily basis, like removing “men and women” from the definition and replacing it with “gender…” and I still don’t know what gender has to do with any of this because a transgender person can be bisexual.

I have sat back, over all these years, and watched us – the societal us – slice and dice bisexuality to a point where we’ve even made-up new words to describe it and that, to me, spoke to how… fucked up we are about sex and sexuality to see people saying that they weren’t bisexual, but they were hetero- or homoflexible… but the way they defined this was very much the definition of bisexuality. Or “being bi with the right person.” Or “It’s not something I’d do all of the time.” I’m seeing that it’s not totally true that bisexuals are confused… but society is and I still see bisexual advocates reminding society that people aren’t just straight or gay… and something I heard too much of in my 9 to 16 time segment.

Damn it, it’s true: The more things change, the more they stay the same and while I would learn that, back in time, we weren’t able to separate ourselves from the prevailing religious dogma, well, we still haven’t. We’ve gotten better but, on the whole, not so much. And the most “startling” change in the dynamic that I’ve seen is… men pursuing other men as just as they would pursue a woman, and this includes men being pickier than any woman I’ve ever known… and I’ve known a lot of women.

More often than not, I sit back and ask myself, “What the fuck is going on here?” I’ve long since understood that I’m an old school bisexual from back in the day; I’ve been “accused” of being stuck in the past about this, but I know that I’m not because you can’t go about the business of getting some dick without being “up to date” with how other men are going about this. I’m just… amazed and fascinated to see how guys are going about this in the here and now.

And very much like how we’re told we have to go about interacting with women. Being in a relationship being a must-have factor. Being so… specific in what they want and the way they want it that also reminds me of how women can be. Is this a good or bad thing? I don’t know and the jury has been out for a while in order to soak up as much information as possible… because I still don’t like not knowing and on top of all of this affecting and impacting my own ability to get my hands and mouth on some guy’s dick.

It’s still sex-focused; a thing to do but not so much a way to be for a lot of guys in particular; it’s like they don’t or can’t see how being bisexual plays into everyday stuff, like, an innate understanding that not everything is yes or no or black or white and, yeah, some advocates pitching bitches about the binary nature of things and bisexuality not being binary… and what the fuck? Maybe it’s just me but I don’t see how we can escape the binary nature of humanity… except inside our own heads. Hmm. It seems that we’re still pretty insane, huh? But this, too, speaks to things about bisexuality and how it literally frees someone’s mind from the way things are supposed to be and in ways that only humans can make… interesting and not always in a good way.

I get it because I learned it: Being bisexual is more about what’s going on in your head than what you might be doing but there’s also some evolutionary stuff going on; I learned that being heterosexual-only is a man-made construct and I know why. I learned that the gay folks who were insisting that they were born this way actually had it right – we all were but social programming did some shit about this and, yes, many rejected or broke the programming because what was going on inside their head was telling them something very different.

Like I learned that everyone, in actuality, go about their lives in the same ways and the only differences come in how they choose to do this and, yes, how they choose to have sex and at that high level of thought, um, we all like to have sex until we have reasons not to and even some of those reasons that keeps us on the bench is stuff our own minds make up for why we shouldn’t do the nasty and how so many of us are stuck in the past about shit that didn’t go right or well for us and letting that impact what we’re not going to do today.

I’ve sat back and read what experts have been saying about bisexuality and, boy, have they seriously gotten into it in ways that have little or nothing to do with human nature itself. That and it seems to me that those trying to use science to explain bisexuality, more than likely, aren’t bisexual. I’m not saying that they’re wrong, but I think they’ve not really gotten down to the root of human sexuality so much – and, yes, I know I could be wrong, and I just might be… but I’m on the inside of this so my view is different than it would be for someone on the outside and looking in or trying to.

I think that when I see people paying more attention to the sexuality of celebrities, something’s very wrong here. Something of note about this. I remember when Queen Latifah came out as bi. The “world” lost its ever-loving mind but Black folks? We knew she was, so she wasn’t telling us anything we didn’t already know about her. Why? Because we also knew that we could be very damned bisexual ourselves which made that nonsense I saw about there being no such thing as a Black bisexual laughable.

I grew up with them. Duh. I am one. Bigger duh. After becoming a blogger, I found… reason to start writing about this and not to just empty my head of all the stuff that goes on inside of it about being bisexual but to also let anyone who cared to pay attention that it’s not what they think it is because we’re still being misled about it; we are happy to believe the shit that isn’t true over the shit that is true – and that includes a lot of “today’s” bisexuals and that’s because, as I’ve seen all along, we consistently refuse to learn from history and the guy that told me that from generation to generation, this is something new and I’ll be damned if he wasn’t right about that because I can better see this now… and I better understand why it’s like that.

Have I ever mentioned how abysmally deep this rabbit hole is? I used to think that I was overthinking the whole thing… until it became apparent that I wasn’t because I’ve learned so much from 9 to 66… and I’m still learning. It has allowed me to say that having the sex is easy… but getting one’s head around the rest of it isn’t.

 

Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: 21 May 22

I sometimes see stuff on Twitter about being able to help bisexual teens with whatever’s bothering them about being bisexual and I was just thinking that this is good… but not all young bisexuals “wait” until they’re teenagers (and I’m evidence of this and I’m not the only one, of course).

I’ve often written about the things I had to put up with while going batshit crazy have sex with guys and gals and top among that list was being someone that our village elders had great disdain for: Homosexuals. Funny that I had heard and learned the meaning of that word before I stumbled across the word “bisexual” but, given what I’d been told and was hearing, no, I wasn’t a homosexual since I was having a field day having sex with any girl who’d let me do it to them.

It made not getting caught pretty damned important since what might happen could be pretty unpleasant because many of our elders didn’t have a sense of humor about homosexuals and punishments could be very severe. So my male friends and I had this to contend with but we also had to contend with guys and gals our age – but not necessarily a “bona fide” member of our peer group – who were, for all intents and purposes, told to hate homosexuals and avoid them and it wasn’t that much of a stretch to see that since we were told that homosexuals get punished, well, some kids in the area could be on board with meting out some punishment of their own because of this and on top of just being mean.

The only help or support we had was each other. Most of us couldn’t go to our parents or another adult and tell them anything about how we were feeling about sex, boys, girls, and stuff like that. Even though my own parents were pretty cool in my eyes, nah, if something was bothering me about (a) being sexually active and (b) with boys and girls, I had the sense that while they wouldn’t lose their shit – and like other adults tended to do when their kid was found to be active and boys were included – I would be told (again) of how evil it was, how bad and dangerous sex was, and whatever I was doing needed to stop immediately if not sooner.

My problem was that I knew they would tell me the right things… and they weren’t right because it was just too much fun and so very pleasurable to have sex with a boy. Given the mental impacts that can be involved, I’m surprised that this didn’t mess my head up and like I had seen it do to others, not because they were being harmed but this, as it turned out, is some complex and complicated stuff and, all along the way, a lot of people were being very vocal about their angst for homosexuals… but those of us who were going both ways and with unabashed glee did understand that, again, we weren’t homosexuals.

We didn’t know what we were… but it sure was fun being whatever we were. Word on the street was that there was a kid who lived a few blocks away whose parents either found out or determined that he was gay… and he vanished. I remembered seeing him one day and a couple of days later, there was no trace of him, and no one seemed to know anything but, yeah, the word finally got out that his parents totally disowned him and sent him away and I would say today that as bad as that was, the poor guy wasn’t even a teenager yet.

I remember us talking about what happened to this guy and realized that if we got caught, it could happen to us. While the prospect of this was very scary and some of the, ah, participants in our unauthorized debauchery gave it all up, for the rest of us, it just made the mantra of not getting caught much more important. We knew that, um, we should stop the “guy part” of this and I kinda remember us doing that and that the “walkout” lasted a whole three days when one of my friends was hanging out with me and confessed that he wanted to do it to me so bad it wasn’t funny – and I wanted him to do it to me so bad it wasn’t funny… and off we went.

So much for walking away from it, huh? It was very addictive and, no, I’m not sneaking in a pun by putting it this way. I often felt conflicted when a guy would ask if I wanted to do and I would say no but, at the same time, I knew I wanted to, and it was like I had to. The older we got, the greater the chance of getting caught or suspected of doing something we knew we had no business doing, let alone knowing about. I look back at those early moments of my sexual life and I’m now very much aware of the peer pressure a lot of us were under and tried to avoid, only to find that there was no real escaping it in some form or another and having sex, wow, lots of peer pressure involved here and not just being aimed at girls.

It was one thing for our localized peer group to indulge in some peer pressure and in the form of dares and bets; it was pretty normal for us and I cringe to think about how the Band of Horny Brothers would, at times, put pressure on a new guy to join us in some way and the only thing I can say about it that I’d consider good is that we never employed violence to convince a guy that he should join in with us; we’d just tell a new guy that if he didn’t want to do what we were doing, he couldn’t really hang out with us.

Go be a chicken by yourself. There was always that sense of wanting to belong, to be a part of whatever was going on and I got to see some kids who were “outsiders” in a lot of things we did and learning how bad they felt because they were on the outside looking in, from playing games and stuff to, yep, having sex. I would, one day, hear that some of the nastiest, most evil people on the planet are… children and with pre-teens and teens being the worst of the bunch.

And they were right about that. I’d say that while we put “mild” peer pressure on each other, it was nothing compared to what I would often run into outside of our village – that would be the area that was defined as our specific neighborhood. I’d hear of guys being made to have sex with a guy – or guys – under the threat of being beaten up; I’d hear of those guys being pressured like this deciding that getting beaten up was better than being forced to have sex and, yeah, some guys were of a mind that it was probably better to just do it than to get their ass kicked because coming home with the evidence of being in a fight would evoke a lot of questions that one didn’t want to be asked and with the understanding that if a parent asked you a question, you’d better answer it and you’d better not lie to them because all that would do would be to get your ass beaten – again.

By the time I got into junior high school, we had… guidance counselors whose job it was to make us the best students we could be as well as preparing us for high school and all that. They’d often find themselves being therapist because if a student was having any kind of problems, their guidance counselor could be a confidant and could do some stuff to make problems go away… but they were ill-prepared to deal with sexuality issues. In high school, anyone who was thought to be gay was catching a very bad break – and that was on top of the very high tensions already in place due to the race riots that broke out in the city after Dr. King was assassinated; indeed, the high school I chose to attend got their fifteen minutes of fame for having the biggest in-school race riot ever.

After a bunch of fights that had broken out – including the one involving my gay friend – our guidance counselors were asking us how we felt about it and they wanted to know if we were being bullied and, gasp, being made to have sex in ways it wasn’t supposed to be done. My mandatory talk with my guidance counselor was… epic. Was I being bullied? Eh, no more than anyone else was since they’d find out in a hurry that I could fight and like nothing any of them had seen or heard of before. Was I being accused of being gay? Sure, nothing new about that and I told her that I wasn’t gay… but I told her that I was bisexual – and I’ll be damned if I know why I did, by the way – and, well, the look on her face was beyond precious. She didn’t know what to say after that but since I wasn’t being affected by the bullshit going around the school, I guess she didn’t have much else to say or, more likely, didn’t know what to say to me about that.

The funny part? She wound up being my advisor in college. And, yes, she asked if I was still, um, the way I was in high school and I said, “Yeah – why wouldn’t I be?” She was cool, though and I’ll admit to having a huge crush on her because she was breathtakingly beautiful.

Growing up in my teenaged years and as a bisexual wasn’t “that hard” for me but not without its difficulties and, again, the social angst against homosexuals wasn’t the problem; it was dealing with age peers who were conditioned to be homophobic and violently so and just like so many, I had to figure out on my own how to deal with this. I could have gone to my mom and talked to her about it, but I knew her well enough that she would tell me to handle this the best way I could while avoiding the violence. Now, in this, I still believe that she knew I was bisexual before she told me that she knew and more so since, um, she did catch me in the act. I knew she’d understand and would very likely be cool about it but I would say that my ego insisted that I could handle this but smart enough to know that if I got in over my head, time to talk to mom about something that I really didn’t want to talk to her about all that much.

So, I just handled it and, might I be allowed to say, handled it very well. I think it helped that I was deemed to be one of those quiet kids you did not ever want to mess with. I think about having the quiet label plastered on me and I laugh because, if they only knew the real me! Yeah, I’d sometimes get into fights but after a few of them, I just had the added reputation of being, again, one of those quiet motherfuckers that it wasn’t smart to mess with.

Worked for me. If nothing else, my teenaged high school years found me in a different kind of tribe and one that consisted of other quiet kids and many of them, as it turned out, were bisexual just like I was… and we had each other’s back and, um, yeah, we were having sex with each other because it was such a relief to be able to let our sexuality “out to play” without having to deal with the shit going on about homosexuals and all that. We supported each other; we let each other know that it was very much okay for us to be the way we were and would trade “tips and tricks” on how to avoid being bullied and other related stuff.

Sometimes, it does take a village but I found that in this, being able to deal with being bisexual came with the help from members of the bisexual tribes that could be formed because there was always safety in numbers and in a lot of situations that happened, if you messed with one of us, you messed with all of us… and there were was a lot of us and we definitely outnumbered the bullies and homophobes.

I had it… easier as a teenaged bisexual and, again, probably because I had that quiet reputation and had proven that, oh, hell no – if we’re gonna fight, you’d better bring a lot of friends with you because you’re going to need them. In this, I would say that I might get my ass kicked… but I wouldn’t be the only one. But my bisexual peers often didn’t fare well and on top of being very aware that they were different from everyone else and that included the gay kids and, yeah, some of them didn’t like us all that much and would often start rumors out of sheer spite.

I would come to understand that the psychological pressures that were in play were… fucking intense. It seemed to me that the more guys “figured out” that if they couldn’t fuck a girl but they could fuck a boy, the more pressure there was but the problem was that you could be damned if you did and damned if you didn’t. After moving to another part of the city, my new village was rife with talks of gangs in the area and the stuff they’d do to either recruit new members or go on rampages to secure their turf “internally” while always being on guard for other gangs intruding on their turf. Rumors of guys being raped by gangs abounded and if it was “bad enough” to be bisexual, it was even worse knowing that you could run into a gang and they might think it’s fun to take you somewhere and have their way with you against your will… and stories of guys who just went with that because it was better than what that gang would have done if they hadn’t complied.

I had an… interesting way to deal with this. A bunch of gang members rolled up on me one day and figured they could fuck with me because I didn’t look tough or whatever. They said that if I didn’t join their gang, they were going to beat me up but, ah, if I wanted to avoid that, I had to suck all of their dicks – but if I didn’t, I was going to get beaten up. There were six of them and my martial arts skills were very good but not good enough to take on all six of them. I knew they were trying to scare and terrorize me, so I did the one thing they didn’t expect me to do:

I said, “Okay – who’s first?”

They left me alone. They agreed that I was crazy. I was quite scared and very damned relieved when they just walked away. Here’s the thing you might be wondering: If one of them had stepped forward and pulled their dick out, would I have sucked it? Yes, I would have… but not because they were trying to make me do it. You see, not only did none of them know me, but they also didn’t know that I was a bona fide cocksucker and had been for a whole four years at that point.

And it took a bit of self-reflection for me to admit that not only would I have sucked off all six of them, but I would also have had fun doing it and realizing that if I had, shit, they still might have carried out their threat to beat me up. The worst part of being a teenaged male bisexual wasn’t the social angst against homosexuals – it was being a teenager among a whole lot of horny teenagers and some of them weren’t what anyone would call nice about (a) wanting to have sex and (b) feeling one way or the other about someone who wasn’t straight.

I will never forget the horrible beating one of the gay guys handed out because some high school bullies wanted to beat him down for being gay.

Twitter talks about educating parents on how to deal and relate to their bisexual child and there are services and outlets for teens who are having problems… and I wish they had existed when I was young, not because I needed them, but I knew a lot of guys and gals who did. I would hear guys bad-mouthing girls who refused to fuck them and those idiots calling those girls lesbians; amongst guys, if you even looked like you weren’t “tough” and manly, well, you had to be a faggot and one who liked to be fucked and if you were, you needed to have your ass kicked or otherwise bullied and terrorized.

And if we couldn’t support each other or find others who we could really relate to and with, being a bisexual was a nightmare that some couldn’t “wake up” from. While I knew about some gay kids who were said to have committed suicide, I never heard a word about any bisexual kids who did but, then again, I think that because you really couldn’t look at us and know what we were, while there was pressures and concerns, they weren’t even close to what gay kids had to deal and suffer with.

And many of us – including myself – were quite okay to not get the kind of attention our gay peers were getting and having to deal with and, besides: For some of us, having to get our heads around being bisexual was “bad” enough and, more often than not, not getting much in the way of help from parents and other authority figures. Surprisingly, we didn’t talk about sex all that much, but we’d often talk more about how we were being looked at by others and how bothersome that was. Or like wanting to tell a friend about it but being afraid to do so and, yeah, telling someone and heads rolling and finding out that the person you thought was a friend wasn’t all that much of a friend.

Yeah, we all agreed that being able to have sex with guys and gals was amazing. It was so… liberating and this was something we all agreed about how we felt about being bisexual. The increasing angst toward homosexuals was a problem for us and in back in the 1970s, there were a lot of people who didn’t know the difference between a bisexual and a homosexual because all they could see and pay attention to was the homosexual side of us. We were just in great denial of really being gay and we needed to pick a side and stay on it and, yeah, all of the bullshit that bisexuals today are losing their shit over was very much alive and well before many of them were even born.

All of this serves to confirm to me that being bisexual isn’t the problem: It’s all those people who have a problem with bisexuality. I would share my sexuality story with others, and they’d often be taken aback at how young I was when I jumped into the pool and then be taken further aback when they’d said that it had to be hard for me being so different and I’d tell them, “Yeah, it was but not really that hard and not like other kids I knew had problems with.” I would think that because of the “homophobic mindset” that going around, being bisexual subjected me to the same homophobic shit that true homosexuals were being subjected to. Some bisexuals I knew were very much subjected; me, not so much but I had my moments and just like others did – just not a whole lot of them.

I’d hear some say, “I’m sorry you had to learn about this at such a young age!” and they’d get this look on their face when I’d replay, “Thanks… but I’m not sorry so you shouldn’t be sorry for me…” and learning so much about why they felt that way. They could understand the concept of boys being boys and even in this very sexual context but what I felt confused them was that I wasn’t gay. Or they’d get confused to say that I must really like guys and me telling them that I really liked having sex with them, but I didn’t like guys like gay guys liked guys even though I did like a gay guy very much – but that wasn’t so much the point as it was the perception others had about bisexuality and bisexuals and there not being much in the way of what I’d call real understanding of it.

Because I grew up in a time where it was said and believed that people were either straight or they were gay and all that shit about bisexuals being confused and being in denial, so on and so forth. I think the thing that helped me in my teenaged years was knowing that I wasn’t confused nor was I in denial of anything. I knew what I was and, hell, yeah, I liked being what I was. It sucked to come across anyone who didn’t like what I was and, like I said yesterday, preaching to me about some shit that I well and truly knew already and/or telling me that I had to be something I knew I wasn’t and didn’t want to be.

Many of my teenaged peers didn’t “discover” bisexuality until they were teens. The teenaged years are the ones where we’re “expected to experiment with sex” and – let’s call it gay sex for lack of a better term right now – if someone was “experimenting” with being gay, well, okay as long as (1) it didn’t get out of hand and whatever the fuck that meant, (2) it didn’t draw any unwanted attention to the family and (3) you gave that shit up and the sooner you did, the better.

And the teens experimenting in this was lucky to be told this (or being aware of it) since a lot of families “historically” were 100% against anything that looked like homosexuality and experimenting in this would be bad – and that’s being really nice about it. From what such kids would share with me, it wasn’t being bisexual that bothered them but what might happen if their family found out and more so when horror stories of gay teens being disowned and sometimes literally thrown out into the street abounded and were real. And some weren’t so much terrified as this and enjoyed being rebellious and defiant of the sex/sexuality rules.

Like the one guy who told me that he hoped that his parents would find out that he was having sex with boys because it was fun for him to be a “problem child.” And I was dumbstruck by that at the time but, later, I kinda understood it later on; I knew there was friction between him and his parents and whatever they told him not to do, well, he’d do it and out of spite in most situations… which wasn’t all that unusual, as I would also learn.

I think that as far as some adults were concerned, being a teenager, well, you were just expected to “get into some shit” and unless it became a problem, you could get a “get out of jail free” card for whatever sex you were having… but you’d better give up the same-sex stuff before you became an adult. As a teen, sex was… everything. You either wanted all you could get, or you avoided it at all costs. Girls were seriously funny about giving it up but, um, who didn’t know that there were guys who would give it up and, really, not all of them were gay and if the other guy wasn’t gay, well, that worked – being gay was the worst thing to be.

Some teens I knew were “defiantly bisexual” while others were cautiously so, and some were quite open about it. Acceptance was problematic and just as it is today but, again, we could find that acceptance with each other and had each other’s back and as much as possible. Teenaged boys, as we all know, are notoriously horny due to that huge hormonal rush and, well, hmm, any port in the storm worked for a lot of guys. I’d not say that a lot of them considered themselves to be bisexual but if their only recourse was to have sex with a guy, well, okay – how bad can it really be?

In interacting with other teens, I had the advantage of knowing that it wasn’t that bad way before they’d get around to finding that out. While some were 100% against such things, many more were understandably curious: What is it like to do it with a guy? If you get fucked in the ass, does it really hurt as bad as everyone says it does? And for some guys – and guys who pretty much had zero luck with girls – the only recourse they had was to be able to find a guy who’d want to have sex with them and even if, in today’s terms, they wound up being a bottom.

Because when you were horny and prone to getting blue balls and jerking off wasn’t getting the job done, some guys would do anything to have sex with someone and if it was another guy, oh, well – I won’t tell if you won’t. Like guys with acne – we called that “dick bumps” and it was a way to poke fun at a guy because he had those bumps because he wasn’t getting any pussy – and getting pussy just made the acne go away. But for the guys who couldn’t get any pussy – and we knew who those guys were – it would get interesting to see such a guy one day and… no acne. If he wasn’t getting any pussy… that meant he must’ve been getting some dick and especially those guys who could go through gallons of Clearasil and it didn’t do anything to their acne problem.

Even as teens, “kid logic” was still pretty powerful and often spot-on. Guys would razz each other and, yeah, I’d get razzed and more so when I never had acne… but, um, I’d been having mucho sex both ways since I was nine so that connection between acne and having sex to alleviate it just passed me over but, uh-huh, it was just “good-natured” fun to imply that if a guy didn’t have dick bumps, it was probably because he was getting some dick because there was no way they were getting pussy or much of it.

Again, peer pressure. And you either learned to deal with it or you didn’t and, again, this all by itself, made being a bisexual teenager harder than that stupid social angst did. If you didn’t have someone you could confide in, you were left to your own devices trying to deal with this and, sadly, it wasn’t even easy for some teens I knew of. One girl spoke to her parents about liking boys and girls, was deemed to be a lesbian, and shipped off to a therapist with the hopes of “curing” her from her homosexuality.

“Even the therapist said that there was nothing really wrong with me,” she had told me. “Parents can be so stupid!”

I agreed with that, but I understood that they were only passing on the things that was passed on to them about sex and how not to have it. We’d heard about gay teens being sent off to be cured and, oh, my god, we’d hear or read about gay teens committing suicide because of this supposed cure and those of us who were bisexual? Didn’t want anything to do with that and, really, how do you cure something that really isn’t something to be cured?

The hardest part about being teenaged and bisexual was not letting too many people know about that and that puts a lot of psychological pressure on to boil. I handled it well… but many of my teenaged bisexual peers didn’t because there were no services or other outlets and winding up in therapy didn’t always produce desired results and I heard stories of therapists insisting that they should be straight or gay… but don’t be gay.

You coped… or you didn’t. Sink or swim. It was being a teenager when I realized that the worst thing about being bisexual was… not having a soul you could talk to about it and you were damned lucky to find someone you could talk to about it… and they’d understand it.

Okay – I know this is seriously TLDR but my thoughts for today is that this has to be talked about because there are teens today who don’t seem to have a problem being bisexual but are being made to have problems… because we still believe the same shit that was believed when I was growing up. It’s just a good thing that steps are being taken and services are appearing to help teens who may be troubled with their bisexuality, and I’d consider them to be the lucky ones because for my generation, there was no such help. Lots of talk about the need for mentors and I’m totally on board with that one because I grew up with a lot of guys and gals who could have benefitted – and been better about what they were – if there was such an animal as a mentor in these things.

It’s a lot to write and I do apologize for how long this one is… but someone has to speak about this and tell it like it was to be able to tell it like it is now. Shit, I can’t even do my usual sigh at this point. Being young and bisexual was a bitch for those who couldn’t figure out how to deal with it. From adults who didn’t even want to talk about sex in a positive way to the great peer pressure one could find themselves subjected to.

I was one of the lucky ones. I figured it out; made it through my teenaged years pretty much unscathed compared to the many guys and gals I knew who got put through the wringer and had to go find their head so they could put it back on… or not. Metaphorically speaking but sometimes, literally so and all because we, on the whole, didn’t want to understand anything about bisexuality and treating us like we were homosexuals.

Now I can sigh… and put this to bed.

 

Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: 20 May 22

What are my thoughts today? I dunno, well, I do but they’re scattered. Sticking out at the moment is how… complex being bisexual is, well, until you get used to the myriad thoughts and feelings speeding through your brain and at any given time.

A woman and I had just finished making love when she asked me, “How do you decide?”

“How do I decide on what?” I asked.

“On whether you, um, want some pussy or dick,” she said – and got my post-sex brain stuck in neutral.

I knew what she was talking about and now I was trying to figure out how to explain something to her that I may or may not have been actively thinking about.

“Sometimes I’ll get horny and it tells me that getting with a guy is what will take care of it,” I said, trying to put ethereal thoughts and feelings into some kind of order. “It’s, shit, I dunno, it’s not like I sit back and flip a mental coin – heads it’s pussy, tails it’s dick – but maybe it is and I’m not really aware of it. I wanna get laid and the most prominent thought is that it doesn’t matter if it’s a guy or a gal – whoever I can get to first and who’s agreeable.”

“So, it’s like first come, first served?” she asked.

“Most of the time, I think, but not always. It’s like I ask myself, “What do I want/need?” and go from there. I, um, I have pussy and dick on the brain all of the time and while I do make decisions on who and all that, there’s probably some shit going on in my head that’s making decisions that I’m not aware of.”

“If you wanted dick but got some pussy, do you still want dick?” she asked. One of the things I liked about her was how she could ask the most interesting questions.

“Yeah, sometimes,” I admitted. “It’s not a thing of the pussy not being enough or satisfying or anything like that – and heading off a question I kinda knew she would ask next – but it’s like I’m not going to be 200% satisfied until I get some dick. I’ve had moments where I’m getting dick like there’s no tomorrow and it’s been good, but I still need to have sex with a woman and before you ask, I don’t know what’s going on with this – I’ve never had reason to ask myself what’s going on in my head; I just know it is and now it’s about deciding to do something about it or not.”

“Sounds complicated,” she said.

“It is… and it isn’t. I’ve been like this for so long that I don’t have to really think about it. I want to have sex. Won’t matter if it’s, say, you or some guy. Sometimes, hah, it’s like trying to decide what you want to eat; everything you like to eat flashes through your mind, whether you feel like cooking or not, do you have all of the ingredients if you’re gonna cook and all that… then you change your mind and decide to eat out… but where? I can’t honestly say that I’ve ever paid attention to my decision-making process when it comes to this and, yeah, that I’ll change my mind is a given.”

“So when you leave me and you run into a dude who’s down with it and y’all hit on each other, what might you be thinking about?” she asked.

“That it’s another chance to have sex but, um, shit, I might not be in shape to do anything after I leave you,” I said, giving her my best lecherous look… that had her laughing.

“You’re assuming that I’m gonna let you leave,” she said. “So is it just sex for you?”

“It looks like it but, no, it isn’t. Do you remember me telling you about the guy I was in love with and we were an item?” I asked.

“Yeah, I remember,” she said.

“What that taught me is that it’s not impossible to fall in love with a guy and want to be in a relationship with him but since then, I’ve been of a mind of if it happens, well, I’ll deal with it at that time. I’m not in the market for a boyfriend as such but you never know what’s going to happen until it happens,” I said.

“I’m all for things being more than just sex but that depends on the other person; I like to think that I’m pretty flexible and can adjust and adapt to most situations,” I said to continue. Man, I loved having these conversations with her but, damn, I’m still trying to recover from her handing my head to me and my brain is barely firing on all cylinders!

“Even though you’re married?” she asked.

“Yes. Despite that. It’s not like I never learned how to be in more than one “relationship” at a time,” I said. “As far as that goes, as long as such an… arrangement doesn’t mess up things at home, it’s all good… but I don’t have a purpose to be in one, if that makes sense. Like, we’re having a sexual relationship and we both agree that things are going fine – they are, aren’t they? – and even you said that we should just enjoy each other and see where things go.”

“Yeah, I remember saying that,” she confirmed.

“I dunno… I just learned to go with the flow while not always understanding what’s going on all of the time,” I said. “I can make decisions pretty quickly but to go back to your first question, I don’t really know how I decide. I want sex… now, who can I convince to have it with me without a lot of hassles? Man or woman? Maybe both if I can get lucky like that? Man, you ask some tough questions!”

“I know,” she said while laughing. “You… fascinate me. You’re open about being bi and you’re comfortable with it and more than other dudes I happen to know about. I want to understand you and the cool thing is you do your best to explain it.”

“I think that one just learns to be that way if they can,” I said with a shrug. “It’s… sex. Wanting to be that intimate and not minding whether it’s a woman or a man and it’s never been a thing of preferring one over the other – I want both; I know it like I know my own name, so I just don’t question it.”

“Come here,” she said; that told me that the conversation was over, and we were going to be speaking another language.

Later, though, I was deep in thought: How do I decide? My brain said, “You just do…” and, yeah, that was helpful, wasn’t it? I know about how I decide to say yes or no – that was easy but, yeah… dick or pussy? It didn’t matter because both would suit the need. I knew that sometimes I’d catch myself saying something like, “Some dick would be good right about now!” but it didn’t always prompt me to go looking for it. I was getting the hint of an idea that this decision was more about how I was feeling than what I might be thinking about.

And there was no telling how I might be feeling at any given moment. I was starting to get a headache, so I tabled this in my mind and turned my “attention” to the conversation I was going to have to have with my wife when I got home; we had a rule that said that when we were with someone else, we had to come back and share the experience and to not leave out any details even if they were bad. I did think about telling her about the question I got asked but, eh, maybe not – and I tabled that thought as well because the two of us sharing stuff had the effect of making us very damned horny so spoiling the mood with an “intellectual discussion” didn’t make sense to me.

But, afterwards, I did tell her about it and she said, “I always wondered about that myself.”

Uh-oh. Would she “settle” for me saying that I really don’t know how that works? Maybe and I got a reprieve because she didn’t ask me to answer the question.

Tremendous sigh. There’s a reason why I tell some people – and warn them – about getting into my head… because there’s no telling what’s going on in there. It’s a lot. It’s like a buzz in the background of my conscious thinking and something that’s been there so long that I don’t pay attention to it unless something in there gets my attention, like, what makes me write about all of this… and I don’t always know why I’m thinking about something but, yeah, blogging has gone a long way to helping me keep my brain as uncluttered as possible; because my stroke impacted my memory, it’s a good way to make me focus on remembering certain things and in as much detail as I can – and the longer I’ve been doing this, the more I’ve been able to remember.

But I still don’t know how I decide. Both is always nice. Whatever else is going on about it is stuff that I don’t know or there’s no way to really know… and if I really need to. I want and need to have sex and men and women – dicks and pussies – are very much in my repertoire so what’s there to really think about other than actually trying to get some from somebody?

Thinking about this reminded me of a conversation I had with Cityman who, at the time, was literally trying to decide if he wanted a man or a woman and, now that I’m thinking about that, I realize that it’s something he does – a lot. Maybe the… difference between the two of us is a thing about him being a lot newer to this than I am? He’s still so comparatively new to this that, yeah, maybe he really needs to sit with himself and make a conscious decision but, OG bisexual over here, that “process” is probably as normal to me as breathing and that’s not something anyone really thinks about unless they’re having a problem doing it.

Probably a lot of “yes/no” shit going on in my head that I don’t have access to. Cityman… settles and I get that even if, right now, I can’t put it in words other than he’s still kinda in that “men or women” thing that a lot of bisexuals tend to go through. For myself, it’s always been “men and women” and being willing and able to go in whatever direction the flow happens to be going. If I want coochie but run into a guy who’s down with some sucking, great – let’s do it… but I might still want the coochie because… why not?

It gets messy inside my head, and I can easily see it but there’s not much I can do about it because a lot of that mess is directly connected to my sexuality and my desire to have sex. It is complex and it only gets complicated when I try to explain some stuff about it. A lot of being bisexual is… mental. Trying to keep your shit together while doing day-to-day stuff can serve to complicate that most necessary task and purpose. Because, to and for me, nothing else makes sense and everyone gets to learn that just because they want something doesn’t mean they’re going to get it. It’s like… chicken or steak? While some folks would choose one or the other, my brain says, “Both… because we like both!” Now it’s just a question if I can have both.

Deciding is kinda like that. I think. Damned if I know. And this is always running around in my head and, again, like background noise that’s “just” loud enough for me to be aware of it. I can feel it. Maybe my brain thinks that it’s too much of a hassle to be so… specific and says, “Whichever you can get; either would be good but, yeah, buddy, both would even better!”

If you ever wondered why I often refer to my brain as the asshole that lives in my head, maybe now you know why I do. Truth is I probably do know how I decide but it’s “out of my control” in that sense. I can say, “I want some pussy!” but in the back of my mind, eh, that’s probably not what’s going on or it can be like me saying this – and knowing it – but hearing a “whisper” saying that some dick would be good, too.

All of the time. I’m just… used to it. Accepting that my feelings about this are always in flux and, as I like to say, very damned fluid and literally from one moment to the next and I think that if I was truly aware of all of this happening “in real time” and to put it that way, I’d probably be insane… so my brain shoves all of this deep into the background so I don’t have to worry about it… until I get horny.

And the mental fun begins. I’ve learned to be… okay with being inside my own head about this because it keeps me grounded. It’s complex and sometimes confusing but I’m… comfortable. You might even say that I think with both heads, but the big head does 90% of the work… I just don’t know what’s really going on at times and where my sexuality and need for sex goes.

Yeah… it’s messy in here… but I’m used to that, too.

 

Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: 19 May 22

I was thinking about all the times I’ve been outed and that includes the times I’ve outed myself, purposefully or accidentally. I was remembering the first time someone rolled up on me (a guy) and said, “I hear you suck dick!”

I had a great need to soil myself. My mind was losing its shit; how could this guy have possibly heard about this? It didn’t help that when I reviewed what I’d done lately, um, shit, I’d had sex with no less than ten guys in the past month! My scrambled mind did consider that the guy was saying this but he really hadn’t heard it from someone. How likely was that? Fair to middling; it wasn’t unusual for some to want to fuck with someone like this – being falsely accused of something made for great drama and other conflicts.

If this was a joke or something, I couldn’t tell by looking at the guy’s face and now I’m frantically trying to decide how to answer the allegation: Do I tell the truth or do I lie like a rug? It wasn’t that I didn’t know the guy because I did but it was more like in passing than him being in my inner circle of friends and acquaintances. I decided to deny it but before I could open my mouth – and I’ll mention that all of this went through my head in about five seconds or so – he said, “Ray-Ray told me that y’all did it the other day so is it true? You know Ray-Ray makes up shit!”

Damn it all to hell! Ooh, Ray-Ray better not let me see him any time soon! Still, I was “caught” dead to rights and I took another few seconds – and seconds that felt much longer than that – and said, “Yeah, we sucked each other off the other day, the rat bastard snitch.”

The guy – let’s call him “Jay” – took this in, nodded, and said, “Cool. I can get in on that? Ray-Ray said you’re really good at it!”

On the one hand, I avoided what could have been a very bad situation but, on the other, if I agreed to do this with him, he, too, might pull a Ray-Ray on me and tell others. What to do? He’s standing there waiting for me to say something and to be honest, um, yeah, I wouldn’t mind blowing him all that much because while I had learned – the hard way – to deny all allegations and to say no, I also had to be honest with myself about how much I loved to suck dick. Do I take the change of him running his mouth or not?

“When?” I heard myself saying… and I really hadn’t “officially” decided on this.

“Now would be good,” he said and smiling so broadly that he must’ve thought I was his dentist or something. “I know a place!”

We went there, deemed it to be safe from intruders, and I’m glad that we did it; sucking him was a joy and in turn, he’d outed himself to me and proved that he was very good at sucking dick. Of course, we both said that we wouldn’t tell anyone else, but I now knew that to fully believe and trust that nothing would be said was unrealistic.

And he did mention that I was way better than Ray-Ray. Hmm. I’d found another guy who was into this and was sure we’d be doing it going forward… but I still was going to have a long and interesting conversation with Ray-Ray.

That time went “well;” other times not so much. I really didn’t like lying and denying it and even if there was indisputable proof but, yeah, I would. Mostly arguments and, oh, maybe the third or fourth time I had to deal with this, the guy wanted to fight because I supposedly had sex with brother. The fucked-up part was that I didn’t know this guy or his brother and the day he said this happened, I wasn’t even in the city! The family and I had gone to Atlantic City for the day so if I did do this to his brother, I wanted to know how I managed it since there’s no way I could be in two places at the same time.

After I kicked his ass, he still wanted to fight and I was prepared to do serious harm to him but someone had come along and realized we’d been fighting and asked why we were fighting. The other guy told him and, I dunno, I guess he thought that by telling his story, he’d have some backup to continue the fight. Come to find out that the dude that came along knew what the deal was and told my opponent, “That’s not the guy who fucked your brother – that was June-June!”

Oops. The two of them “got into it” but homey had to admit that he’d accused the wrong guy; it wasn’t an apology as such but what else was he going to say after I wiped the pavement with his ass? My new problem was that he might get it into his head to get some of his boys and come after me again but he said we were cool and I just hoped that we were.

I’ve told girls/women that I’m bisexual and, usually, that hasn’t gone over well. Likewise, um, I sometimes had to admit how I knew so much about what gay dudes were into and whoever I was talking to wasn’t going to accept that I was just smart enough to know about it. That was just a matter of me learning and remembering to keep my big mouth shut but, sometimes – and because it was known that I knew stuff – I’d find myself talking to someone – male or female – who’d ask why someone they knew was or was suspected of going both ways and I’d have to decide to answer their questions or play dumb and like I had no idea what they were talking about… but that one didn’t usually work since, again, they knew that I knew… stuff and that’s why they were coming to me with all of this.

By the time I was 16, I was so damned sick and tired of having to deal with people being pissed off because I wasn’t straight but I wasn’t gay; I got tired of explaining it to people who were proving to me that they were incapable of understanding “the words that were coming out of my mouth.” Sure, there were times when someone wanted to get violent because they didn’t like what I had to say or they just wanted to kick my ass because they believed that I was a gay-assed motherfucking homo… and I did all I could to avoid fights because I didn’t want to wind up answering to the police why I did some pretty nasty shit to someone. I’ve had to break noses, fingers, and arms; I had no qualms about snap-kicking or stepping down on someone’s knee or breaking ribs or doing whatever I had to do in order to protect myself and my mind would be in a place that said, “If you wanna get violent, let’s get violent!”

The good part here is that in the majority of times, I could talk my way out of a fight but when I couldn’t, well, fuck. Like it was said in “The Karate Kid,” I learned how to fight so I didn’t have to… but people just don’t tend to act right when they feel offended or whatever and over something that they don’t understand and don’t want to. I set it in my mind that if someone knew, they just knew; if they didn’t like it, it would be in everyone’s best interest to just leave it alone. I didn’t care if someone knew but it wasn’t like I was going to just tell every- or anyone that I was bi.

Once I got outed the first time, the word did spread; the speed of light is a slowpoke compared to rumor and gossip. I lost a lot of friends, and it would hurt to see my so-called peers looking at me “sideways” or whispering to each other and I knew why they were doing this, but I realized that the way to not be hurt by this was to not give a fuck. This is what I am and if you don’t like it, fuck you and the horse you rode in on. My real and true friends would accept this about me and I was good with that.

I’d put the whole damned world on a need-to-know basis… and there were people who just didn’t need to know and a lot of people that I would neither confirm nor deny that I wasn’t as straight as they believed me to be or thought I should be. I found that you have to be an actor worthy of an Oscar and I hated it when I had reason to refute allegations that I went both ways; I found that if someone stepped to me about being gay, well, I could truthfully tell them, “Hell, no, I’m not gay – who told you some stupid shit like that?”

But, yeah, many times when I had to confess my sexuality because it was the right thing to do. Women… women made me insane because they were always demanding that they be told the truth and it was okay to tell them the truth… but when I did, now I was the worst motherfucker ever born and deemed to be gay and not paying one bit of attention to me saying that I wasn’t gay; it would often be fucking hilarious to be accused of being gay by a woman I had had sex with. Even though I was aware that some gay dudes got pussy, the fact that everyone believed that gay men weren’t sexually attracted to women more often than not made my “case” for me. Sweetheart, if I were gay, um, why have we been having sex?

The truth that you asked for is that I like dick, too. I’ve had women just lose their shit and would get me wondering how true it was when people would say that the truth will set you free and that the truth hurts; it seemed illogical to me to ask someone to hurt you by demanding that they tell the truth. The quote, “You can’t handle the truth!” really resonated with me when I saw the movie because I was finding out how true that really was. And if someone couldn’t handle the truth, well, that wasn’t my problem…

And there’s a reason why I learned to tell people not to ask me questions they weren’t going to like the answers to. If they didn’t like it, what were they going to do? Argue? Diss me or break up with me? Want to fight? It occurred to me that no matter what anyone said, did, or tried to do, nothing would change the fact that I’m bisexual short of killing me and even then, I would die as a bisexual guy.

Guys I would get with would be either surprised or in great disbelief when I’d tell them that, yes, my wife knows that I’m bisexual and due to some stuff that’s none of their business, I have permission to have sex with anyone I want to and if it’s a guy, it’s a guy. I would sometimes get rejected because my wife knew… and I still couldn’t make any sense out of that because my wife knowing that I suck dick doesn’t have a damned thing to do with you and I don’t know why you think it does. Ah, but I figured it out: They’d assume that I would tell her that we did something and then she would run around telling everyone else and I’d find that a lot guys just wouldn’t believe me that she wouldn’t tell a soul unless I said it was okay and that depended on who she felt she had a need to and why and since she didn’t, her lips were sealed.

With the two of us getting deep into having sex together and with other couples, shit, sometimes, I’d get outed because the other guy would grab my dick and sometimes start sucking it… and I wouldn’t react badly to it or get weird about it. Why didn’t I say or do something? Shit, um, because this isn’t something new to me and I don’t mind at all; it’s sex, isn’t it?

I would learn that in these situations, guys can get pretty fucking weird about any kind of contact between men and whether they know the other guy is bi or not. Okay, fine – it’s not like I don’t know how to keep my hands to myself and despite what I found, in swinger groups, a lot of people believed was “impossible” and guys getting all weird because they just knew I was going to do something to them.

Not really my problem so much nor is it my problem that you’re insecure about your masculinity or whatever the fuck is going on in your head. Grow the fuck up, will you? Sheesh.

Someone would get in my face about it and I’d sometimes say, “And? Do you have a point to make?” or some other snarky-sounding response that really hid the fact that I didn’t give a fuck what they thought or what they thought they knew or even what they heard. Such a position went totally against the fact that I’m very easy to get along with… until you decide to fuck with me in a way I don’t want to be fucked with. So what if I go both ways? As long as I’m not trying to do anything to you, I don’t see what the problem is but you clearly have one and the mistake you’re about to make is making your problem my problem.

You just get sick and fucking tired of dealing with the problems other people have about sex and sexuality and you learn to deal with them in ways that, well, let’s say that it’s not nice and polite in the majority of times. Are you really that stupid and obtuse that you didn’t understand that I said that I’m bisexual? Do you know what that means? And if your feelings are hurt, that’s on you because if you understood what I told you, your feelings wouldn’t be hurt.

You fuck with me about this at your own risk… and I learned to not have a “sense of humor” about it.

I have outed myself and have been outed and the other person was… 100% fine with it. Indeed, a lot of women were actually pretty hyped about it because they understood that not only did I know some shit that they knew, whatever we were doing was just about the two of us, well, except this one woman who read me the riot act because I’d had sex with her husband but had to “apologize” because I hadn’t known that it was her husband and, no, he never mentioned her name. Awkward to have had sex with both of them and more than once or twice but, eh, sometimes, shit happens when you don’t expect it or want it to. As an aside and as she would tell me, she read him pretty good, not because we were giving each other blow jobs but because he didn’t tell me her name and just that he was married and his wife was okay. She was… just not with him treating her as an afterthought.

Sometimes, things get hilariously messy and sometimes messy in ways that no one would call good… and all because there’s some shit about sex and sexuality that some people can’t wrap their head around and now I’m the bad guy and, often, someone worse than a guy who is gay. Indeed, a lot of the shit people are saying today about bisexuals is the same shit I heard way back when I was growing up… and shit that I had to defend myself about and against and, again, I just got sick and fucking tired of having to do that.

I see others fretting over coming out and/or being outed and it’s understandable because the horror stories that abound in this are real and should be taken seriously. Should they come out? Well, um, yeah, if you have to but if you don’t? Gratefully, I can’t make that decision for anyone, but I know what I would do or wouldn’t do given the situation they presented me with. Guys tremble in abject fear about their wives finding out and I get that. Should they tell her and if for no other reason than protecting her health and safety? Yes… but you gotta know that the chances are seriously good that telling her isn’t going to be, um, healthy for you.

Guys ask, “What if my friends find out?” Come on – use your brain! My usual response to this is, “How would they find out unless you told them, or the other guy ratted you out?” I would tell them something that I also learned: You can out yourself and not know that you did. What a lot of men and women don’t realize is that when you start behaving differently – and a lot of people just do – other people are going to notice it and the closer they are to you, the greater the chance that they’re going to notice something… different about you. Mannerisms and other behaviors like, oh, if you didn’t have any guys/gals that you routinely hung out with but now you do and other noticeable changes in your normal routine.

And when this gets noticed, someone just might take you to the side and ask, “What’s going on with you?” or even say that you’re different. Now, they might not know exactly what’s going on or what’s different, but people aren’t stupid; they can be very damned perceptive and it’s quite possible that they do know and usually because they’ve ruled out many of the other things that could explain why you’re not acting like yourself. And, yeah, wives just… know. Never discount a woman’s intuition and some guys dig themselves a very deep hole because they’re out there handling their dick business and thinking that their lady has no idea of it… then, one day, they find out that she’s known about it.

Oh, shit. I’m kinda laughing at this point because I can remember talking to my protege about this and him admitting that people who knew him was wondering what was different about him and, yeah, some bold enough to ask if he was gay. He asked if anyone has asked about my sexuality because I seemed to be different to them and I told him no… because there’s nothing different about me – I’m consistently myself. Sure, I told him that I’ve had people say, “There’s something different about you and I can’t put my finger on it!” but that’s usually people I meet for the first time because the people who do know me and my habits, behaviors, and mannerisms see… me and as I learned to be. Am I hiding in plain sight? Some would say that I am and, yup, I’m invisible but that’s preposterous and I’ve been this way for so long that everything about me is as normal as breathing.

What you see is what you get… but what you might not know about me is that I’m bisexual and, yeah, did I ever get sick and fucking tired of people saying, “You don’t look like the type!” Of course, I don’t: No bisexual does. And, yeah, I do often get a kick out people trying to figure out what’s different about me and I might tell them or chose not to, not because I’m ashamed of what I am but because, once again, I got sick and tired of having to explain myself a long time ago and if I feel you don’t need to you, you won’t know unless you hear it from someone else and, if so, I don’t much give a fuck.

I really don’t like being like this, but I have to because here in 2022, jeez, some people are just stupid about it. I know why they are and it’s pretty sad from where I’m sitting. I am officially out? Yes. Am I going to just tell anyone who asks? Oh, fuck no. Been there. Did that a few times. Not gonna ever do it again because, well, you know why.

I understand that fear of loss because I’ve felt it and it doesn’t feel good, but I had to also understand that some people will walk away from me or feel some kind of not-so-good way about me because what I am offends their sensibilities and there’s nothing I can do about that. If I tell you why I’m this way and you find it upsetting, well, I am truly sorry… and not so much; it’s not my fault that you believe in something that I know isn’t true.

I have learned to very much dislike people telling me that I can’t be what I am and/or telling me that I have to be something I know that I’m not and wouldn’t want to be because if I did, um, duh, I wouldn’t be the way I am. And maybe you’d be surprised at how many people I’ve come across that didn’t and couldn’t understand that… and making something about me all about them. Okay, you wouldn’t be like this and… your point is? But I know what it is: Because they wouldn’t go both ways means that I shouldn’t either. Well, um, given how long I’ve been this way? Like the song says, “It’s too late to turn back now…” If you could have hit me with this back in 1964, you probably would have stood a good chance of changing this about me… oh, wait – that wouldn’t have worked since I was up to my pretty brown eyes being bisexual despite being told to be nothing other than straight or else.

I know what “or else” can mean and it’s just something I have to live with and just like anything else life might throw at me. I’m bisexual and more than okay with it because I couldn’t live with myself if I weren’t okay with it. Getting outed? It happens and sometimes I out myself because I feel I have to or unintentionally.

And no matter how someone reacts to this, it changes nothing because after whatever gets said or done (or attempted), I will still be very damned bisexual. My way of dealing with this probably wouldn’t work for anyone who’s worried about being outed or accused. I’ve taken the position of, “You can fuck with me about it if you want to…” and convince them that they do not want to fuck with me because I’ve been in this “I don’t give a fuck” mindset for a very long time and I have zero tolerance or patience for the dumb shit that I’ve had to hear damned near all of my life. At the least, I’ll ignore you but if you wanna keep poking me and giving me shit about what you wouldn’t do or what you don’t believe in?

It might suck to be you. I mean that. But I don’t concern myself with being outed because it’s happened before, and it will happen again; despite the losses and hurt feelings and even being shunned, I survived it and I will survive it because I’m not going to let someone get my head all fucked up over something they think they know about… and they don’t know jack shit and they definitely don’t know it like I do and even if, by chance they did, I don’t give a fuck. Mind your business and stay out of mine and if I had wanted you to know, I would have told you… and that should tell you something about how I think about you.

Sighing so hard it’s making my back hurt. This only becomes a problem when you allow it to become one. There are people who will want to make it a problem for you and if you let them fuck with you about it, they win. You’re not being the person you want to be, and you’ve bowed down to them and doing shit the way they want you to do it. I’m not feeling any of that but, yeah, sadly, a lot of bisexuals have and are doing just that and they’re living fearful lives and where’s the fun in that?

I remember a girl being totally pissed off that I’m not straight and her threatening to tell my mother… and I told her, “Go ahead – I know she’s at home. Tell her. Come on, I’ll even take you home with me so you can tell her.”

She was dumbfounded. Then she was going to tell all of my friends and I just shrugged and said, “If you feel you need to, go ahead and tell them – I could care less.” She didn’t understand my reaction and response to her threats. Gonna tell my girlfriend? She knows already so you wouldn’t be telling her something she didn’t already know.

What else you got? I guess she expected me to be scared and begging her not to tell anyone… and I wasn’t and I sure as fuck wasn’t going to be blackmailed. I’m not afraid of being what I am and I don’t scare easily to be begin with. I told her this and that she could put it on the six o’clock news for all I cared because after she did that, I’d still be the way I am.

Sheesh.

 

Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: 18 May 22

Cityman and I got to talking about being a… complete bisexual. He was telling me about his FWB lover asking him some good questions about being bisexual, like, is he the same way with women as he is with men and Cityman telling me that he’s learned to not be different like that.

It’s sometimes believed that when a guy is bisexual, he’s one way with women and a totally different way with men and there’s some precedence that goes along with this given that, well, men are physically different and some guys are of a mind that they can “let it all hang out” with a guy but not so much with women… but this wasn’t what Cityman’s FWB was talking about other than kinda/sorta asking him if he approaches sex with women in a different way.

And Cityman, again, said that he’s learned that he no longer… behaves differently. That he approaches sex with someone with the same thoughts, feelings, and lusty purpose and that’s the way he should approach it. When you consider that a lot of bisexuals feel like they’re living two different lives, being a… complete bisexual is about realizing that you’re really only living one life and while you may go about sex differently, that which drives your urges shouldn’t be different.

He’s understanding that sex isn’t all about who… because it always begins with what; then it’s about who you can get busy with so you can slake your lust and who’s going to find it to their liking and all that happy crappy stuff. We briefly touched on why his FWB asked the questions that he did because his FWB is gay and, well, bisexuals tend to confuse some gay folks and even I saw this growing up because we’re like them… and not so much.

Yeah, even I got asked, “Are you like this with women or is it just with men?” and I had to do some thinking about this… and got a busy signal because I didn’t think or feel that I behaved differently other than to adjust to the person I was having sex with. Maybe I just didn’t get it into my head that sex with men was all that different from sex with women… because it was sex first and foremost. But I would learn why someone would ask such a question because, again, bisexuality is too often seen as two different things and that, I think, is because people who ask this is looking at who but not thinking about what all that much.

Cityman and I are continuing our conversation but I’m rustling around in my memories to see any sign that I went about having sex in “two different ways” and… if I did, the memories are inaccessible… but I don’t think so and that could be because given how, um, early I got tossed into the sex pool, I somehow realized that what I could do was pretty much the same; I could give and get head and some fucking could be done and, yeah, all that nice kissing and cuddling could be done as well; the only real differences were the physical ones.

Because the one constant is… my desire to have sex. To me, it didn’t make a difference if it was a guy or not and I would, after hearing what other bisexuals had to say about differences, figure out or learn that it’s not really all that different if you’re thinking what “first and foremost.” If nothing else, I am… consistent and, I think, a more… complete bisexual because having to do different things and depending on what the other person wants or is going to let me get away with is one thing and that’s one of those “no-brainer” things that’s pretty obvious but the desire to do is what drives the sexuality bus.

For me, sex with gay men was always… interesting. Not so much in whatever we’d do but their perception of things and, yeah, the first person who asked me this question was a gay dude who felt that, I dunno, I was being different with him than I’d be with a woman… and I felt that he was just feeling some kind of way because I wasn’t totally like him. I tried explaining to him that, to me, it was “all the same” – but that’s because I always think what first and that who, while it does matter, didn’t matter. I’m just as lusty and passionate with men as I am with women and I’ll even admit that I’m “more passionate” with women because, well, it’s women.

I believe that one becomes a… complete bisexual when they learn that they’re not living two different lives and… sex is sex and now the devil lives in the many details of it all. Cityman and I got to talking about the top/bottom thing again which I see as being… nitpicky and highly specific and, well, that’s not really surprising but since we were talking about whether or not his FWB would get around to topping him – and my knowing and understanding how Cityman feels about bottoming – well, the conversation got deep because it seems to me that in these things, guys… institutionalize themselves and for whatever reason makes sense to them so finding themselves in a situation where they find themselves “being out of the box,” hmm, whew. Cityman himself experienced this and went from being 100% sure that he’d never get fucked… to getting fucked. Even then, we both did some slicing and dicing by saying that we can bottom… but we’re not bottoms.

But that’s getting deep into the devilish details and the high-level stuff – that desire and need to have sex – winds up getting lost and, yeah, we want what we want and in the exact way we want it. What we do is one thing but what drives any of it is the desire to have sex. Period. The only real differences, other than the physical ones, are the differences we wind up creating and, yup, once again, if you think that sex with men is “seriously different” from having sex with women, there’s a good chance that you’re not really looking at it the right way… because it isn’t so much.

We got into preferences again and I could see how Cityman is changing his mind about his preferences, and I gave him a “standing ovation” when he said that he’s starting to understand that having them – and totally living by them – isn’t jiving with his need and desire to have sex and, yep, that he sees that he’s not behaving differently and based on his partner being male or female.

As Mr. Spock said in a Star Trek book I read long ago, “A difference which makes no difference is no difference.” That… confused the shit out of me when I read it but once I got to thinking about it, well, hmm: Other than the person I’m having sex with – a guy or a gal – the differences I might have had in my head (but wasn’t really thinking about) weren’t really differences. Not two different things: One thing and that was to get laid.

It’s not something that’s easy to see, methinks. I know that some bi guys get all into their heads about who they want to get busy with and get to feeling some kind of way because it’s a guy… then start creating differences between that and them having sex with women… and overlooking what they’re really doing – having sex. I go on the forum and see the fellas doing this and I often think, “They don’t get it…” but, yeah, I understand it because as long as they continue to see this as two different things, they will continue to create and maintain differences until or unless it hits them that it’s not two different things – it’s one thing and maybe then they’ll understand and even say like I and others do, that it doesn’t make a difference whether we get laid with a man or a woman… as long as we’re getting laid and we very much to want to get laid.

The acts are the same. Giving and getting head. Actual intercourse but, yeah, um, guys don’t have a vagina but, well, you know. I think that Cityman realizes that when he’s bottoming, it’s because he wants and needs to and it’s all a part of the sexual experience; it’s something that a lot of guys can have a hard time with and for the usual and well-known reasons. I was telling him that one difference in having sex with a guy is that he could fuck the guy… and homey could do the same thing to him… but unless the woman he was having sex with was kinky, it’s not likely that she’s gonna fill him up with a lot of fake dick – and then I pointed out to him that if girlfriend was of a mind to do that, he wouldn’t object one bit because, at that high level that gets lost in the sauce, it’s still sex and just one of those devilish details again.

He sent me a big LOL on that one but he knew I wasn’t lying. I’ve always said that when you’re bisexual, you get to learn some shit about sex that you probably didn’t really know about or consider and that has nothing to do with actually doing it. I could probably do a flowchart about this but, nah, I ain’t going there but at the top of it is… the desire to have sex; then it gets “broken down” from there into who – man or woman – and then broken down further into the specifics. I think that “most bisexuals” are so deeply entrenched in the specifics that, again, they can’t easily see the top of the chart and their need and desire to have sex and, yeah, the only differences are those that they make.

Cityman had asked me why guys bottom and I did my best to try to explain it but the gist of it was about whatever was going on in the guy’s mind about how he wanted to have sex. He, and like a lot of guys, was caught up in how the top and bottom roles are defined so, nope, since he declared himself as a top, bottoming wasn’t an option. But I did tell him that there would come a day when he’d want to bottom and, well, he didn’t believe me… but he does now and that while it’s “different” from the top role that resides in his head, it’s still sex – and sex that he wants to have… because it’s sex. Gratifying in its own way and I had told him that one has to find the pleasure in being fucked… and he found it.

But I knew he would. Like I said the other day, it’s been a joy for me to see him grow and, on his own, understanding this as I have come to understand it. He admits that he still has stuff to work on but I would say that at this point in his sexual life, he’s more of a complete bisexual than he was when he first found himself on this path. It’s not what you do with someone… but that you wanna do it in the first place, you know, if they’re agreeable to doing it. Should it make a difference if your partner is male or female? No, not at all but a lot of bisexuals perceive it as being different and it tends to “cross them up” because they firmly believe that they have to behave differently when they’re with a man or a woman…

And just missing what’s really going on with them that makes any of this one thing instead of two different things. Cityman drove me nuts always talking about who and I would think that the Hearts Not Parts gang would issue him a lifetime membership card and that’s fine… but I had a hard time getting him to see that it’s what he should be paying attention to and if he had a preference, it’s to have sex.

Period. He’s starting to see this but a lot of guys, eh, not so much. I had to see and learn this and being inside my own head about it is still pretty interesting. How I get laid is gonna depend on some stuff but the one constant is… I wanna get laid. Shit yeah. Getting all carnally personal with someone and they being the same way with me. Guys ask me if I’m a top or a bottom and I tell them that I just am. Okay, “technically” versatile but that’s the way I grew up being – you do it to me, I do it to you and we repeat as necessary. Will I spread my cheeks for a guy? Sure, if that’s what I want and need because, well, that. I want it. I need it. It’s having sex above and beyond all else. And if a woman wanted to “bone” me? Bring it on!

It’s just not all that easy for some male bisexuals – or bisexuals as whole – to see this for what it really is and I understand that being able to do this can be troubling and more so when we have a habit of slut shaming the shit out of anyone who really and truly enjoys having sex and in the many ways it can be had and done. Are bisexuals promiscuous? Well, I know that I am… and why wouldn’t I be? Oh, that’s right – we still see that as being a bad thing. Now all of this starts to get seriously deep because, on the whole, we’re a bunch of prudes about sex because we get shamed into being prudes and bisexuals, well, no, that doesn’t work for us and, in reality, it can’t work and I think bisexuals innately understand this but since it conflicts with the way sex is supposed to be, that creates a lot of differences that I think shouldn’t exist and beginning with… it’s sex. Doing whatever with whomever to get that very nice gratification and satisfaction and if you can find it with both men and women, well, why the hell not?

And that you’re not supposed to does make it even more fun and enjoyable because you, as a bisexual, knows some shit about having sex that a lot of other people don’t. They know what they know and are firmly rooted in what they know and that’s why bisexuals tend to confuse people and, yup, can get them asking that question that Cityman’s FWB lover asked him. I remember him telling me that one of his gay friends was giving him “the usual shit” about him being bisexual and that he had to pick a side and stay on it and they didn’t understand why, if he was having sex with a man, he would also have sex with a woman.

Well, um, because he’s bisexual. Duh. I’ve had gay guy say that they don’t know what I get out of having sex with a woman and, well, um, you kinda gotta do that in order to know what there is to get out of it… but I know of a lot of gay men who didn’t start out being gay and just found being involved with women, ah, not at all to their liking and needs. They are… prejudiced and that’s actually understandable but it can also blind them to what’s really going on: It’s sex. You can do the same things with a man that you can do with a woman and anatomical differences aside and that, ah, lack of men having vaginas, well, even that gets interesting given how many guys like to say that they have a pussy.

Now it get weird, right? We just tend to get deep down into that which we will and won’t do and are very specific about who we will or won’t do this or that with and very much in line with what our social conditioning mandates… until we find out differently and it’s not just an intellectual exercise. So many people “don’t understand” why bisexuals have sex the way we do because they’re looking at who – man or woman – but not what so much: It’s having sex. Being that intimate with someone because, ah, why the hell not?

If you don’t mind, it never matters but I’ve seen bisexuals nitpicking the shit out things and creating differences and getting lost in them. Ask a bi guy why he likes having sex with men and hold onto your hat because he’s going to tell you a lot of things… but might not mention that it’s sex first and foremost. I think if you were to ask some bi guys if they’re different with women than they are with men, they just might tell you that they are when, um, yeah, not really if you understand some stuff about sex and this one thing that I learned long ago: Your body doesn’t give a shit who is giving it pleasure… but your mind does and, well, things get messy in our heads about it and it takes an effort to rise up out of the messiness to see why we’re having sex the way we are:

Because it’s sex. Whether it’s a guy or a gal is… personal preference more than anything else. It’s all the same to me and there are a lot of people who are just like me… and Cityman is learning what I and those like me have learned. It’s not two different things because men and women are different:

It’s one thing. I get it, though. If you’re straight or even gay and now you’re bisexual, yeah, that’s a lot to process and most do process it as two different things and the focus is on who and the deeply devilish details about what and the thing at the top of the flowchart tends to get lost because those differences are stuck in a person’s head. I can’t honestly say that those differences got stuck in my head; why do I do it with boys? Because it’s fun… and it’s sex! What other reason do I need… and why do you think that (a) I have to have a reason other than being horny and (b) there’s some great difference between this and me having sex with women? And if you’re thinking like this, uh, um, you’re probably missing the whole and main point.

Bisexuals either get around to realizing this… or they don’t. I think not being able to realize this doesn’t serve the purpose of being totally comfortable with being bisexual because the same-sex stuff is… different. No, not really.

I’ve been told that I have an… interesting way of looking at sex and I’m guilty as charged… because I understand that the differences we put in place don’t really exist. I am… consistent. The same way with men as I am with women… because it’s sex and I do so prefer to have sex and who – male or female – doesn’t matter and, I think, shouldn’t.

Yet it does. So much heavy sighing at this point. Yes, the… impacts of sex are going to be different and, to me, that’s just a given; it’s going to be mind-blowing today and not so much later today or tomorrow or whatever. We get the notions of good and bad into our heads when the only bad sex is not having sex at all. Can a top bottom? Sure, if he wants to and he’s not afraid to and just like tops can and do give head. Bottoms can top and get head in return but are of a mind that they’re “not supposed to” or for some other detailed reason why. Women can, if they’re not weirded out by it, bone the living daylights out of a guy and after he’s given her da bizness. Kinky? Maybe so but at the root of any of this is… having sex and not being picky about it being with a man or a woman.

We get hung up on what we want to do and who we want to do it with and, as such, create differences. Human nature stuff again. Bisexuals defy conventional sexual thinking. The details are what they are but I maintain that at the very top of the flowchart is wanting and needing to have sex and understanding what that really means as well as understanding that when they’re slaking their lust on someone – and they’re doing the same thing – there are difference which make no difference unless we think there are differences.

I just think and wholly believe that when you realize that there really isn’t a difference, it makes you a more complete bisexual because it doesn’t matter how you have sex or who you have it with… as long as you’re having sex and wanting to.

 

Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: 17 May 22

A forum member asked why is it so hard to find a guy to get with? That question gets asked a lot and if you “listened” to them, finding a guy is harder than finding water in a desert. He listed his preferences and, well, I wouldn’t consider him for anything, not because of them but they indicate to me that he’s too risk-adverse and too specific, like wanting guys to have seven inches or more and other things that, personally, I find to be too picky and especially when he said that he’d prefer that a guy not be whore and not hook up with just anyone.

What he’s not aware of is that his preferences would DQ him with a lot of men. What he doesn’t understand is that if he’s dead set on getting what he wants and exactly what he wants, there are other men who are doing the exact same thing. He said something that I’ve heard a lot of women saying these days: He’s not going to lower his standards and that tells me that he’s… inflexible. An inability to adjust and adapt and, again, I’d pass him over and not give him any consideration.

And I pretty much told him that as well as something I’ve learned over all this time: If you make it harder to do, you won’t be able to do it. A lot of guys get so focused on the specifics they want that they don’t even see that (1) other guys are doing the same thing and (2) someone can see those specifics and wouldn’t want to be bothered. The member said that he doesn’t think he’s being too picky but, yeah, he is. Is he within his rights to be picky? Yes. Is that going to get him the dick he wants? Probably not.

I have learned that while it’s okay to set preferences and all that, if you put them on lockdown, you can wind up missing out on a lot of dicks because other guys will see that and, again, not want to be bothered. The member had listed seven things and I told him that the question I’d ask him about those four things is, “What difference do they make?” It’s a trick question because I know they shouldn’t make a difference if you’ve built in some flexibility in that which is preferred. I like to ask guys who are horribly frustrated in their hunt for cock, “What is the least acceptable thing that will work for you?” and I’ve learned that a lot of men do not have a “minimum standard;” they set a maximum standard and nothing less than that is acceptable to them.

And if they’re doing that, so are a lot of other men. I said to him that he wants what he wants… but he also has to make other men want him. I learned that one of the biggest disconnects that causes this problem is that guys get focused on what they want and, in this, put other men in a “take it or leave it” frame of mind that, more often than not, will get guys thinking that leaving it is the thing to do and, yeah, because (1) that attitude is pretty fucked up and no matter how nicely you state it and (2) you’re not the droid they’re looking for.

For example, I’ve gone shopping and have been in the produce section and, sometimes, just watching how people go about selecting produce and while a lot of the people I’ve observed select the produce they can work with, many others are looking for perfect produce and when they can’t find it – and they’re not going to – they walk away shaking their heads and talking about the lack of quality of what’s available. That bunch of kale they were looking at that had a couple of leaves that weren’t totally pristine gets passed by… but someone else would look at that same bunch, see a few leaves with “bad spots” on them and know that they can be removed and it’s not going to mess up the whole thing and will cook up just fine.

When you’re looking for dick, it’s like going shopping and literally so. A lot of guys, as “the sellers,” suck at advertising and a lot of guys, as “the buyers,” are just too picky and, again, inflexible. The art of negotiation – and the art I grew up having to learn and master – has become a lost art; when you’re not willing to negotiate, guess what you’re not going to be doing? When you “play it too safe,” yeah, guess what you’re not going to be doing and how much harder it becomes?

You’re looking for one specific guy… in a group of men that can, depending on where you live, number in the thousands or hundreds of thousands. When you take a big step back and consider the millions of men looking for some M2M action who are also employing a high level of specificity and, yeah – it can seem like there aren’t any men out there to have fun with.

I learned that to be male and bisexual, you have to have a sense of adventure. This doesn’t mean carelessly or recklessly putting yourself out there, but it does mean being aware of the potential risks and understanding that “potential” is the operative word and not doing what a lot of guys are doing: Assuming that the risks are going to happen to them; it’s a given and a guarantee that they will. I learned that one must be fearless and again, that doesn’t mean being careless or reckless but it’s being aware of the risks… and having a plan to mitigate or eliminate them.

As I read the other comments to the member’s post, I was thinking about Cityman and how… paranoid he used to be. He had a list of specific preferences that I know would make the forum member look like an easy piece of ass in comparison. He, too, wanted to know why it was so hard for him to find a guy and when I explained all of this to him, one of the first things he said was that he didn’t feel that he had to lower his standards… but I asked him that if his standards were making it hard for him to get with guys – and guys not hitting him up with offers – hmm: What’s the problem here and what do you do about it?

I got him to rethink his preferences and pointed out to him that if he didn’t make himself look approachable, he’d get zero takers because a lot of guys really don’t want to deal with “fussy” guys and the majority of men out there are not looking to be someone’s “boyfriend;” they want to get some dick, have some fun, and keep it moving. Once Cityman did that, now he “complains” about all of the guys who are very eager to get into his underwear.

I learned that you have to give yourself more choices and not limit them. Like, Cityman talked about guys having to be nice to look at and I asked him, “Why? Are you gonna marry the guy?” That made him go silent for almost five minutes before he finally responded, “No, I’m not gonna marry the guy.” Really, if you’re “just interested” in having fun with homey’s dick, does it really matter if he could be on the cover of GQ or Esquire? Again, once he adjusted some stuff – and it took him a while to be able to do that – he spends more time turning down offers because it’s impossible for him to accommodate all of the men who find him very suitable to have sex with, not because Cityman lowered his standards, but he did revise them because he saw that it was his standards – and how strict they were – that was the problem and in the majority of times.

I think that because a lot of guys are looking for a Mr. Right to be their FWB, that automatically disqualifies a whole lot of men who are more of a casual bent. Just hooking up with a guy is “the new evil” and, well, damn. While it’d be nice to have that one guy to sleep with – and even under the illusion that this is safer (and it really isn’t or might not be) – you should consider that there are more men out there who aren’t of a mind to be a FWB than there are guys who want one and because they’re not, it doesn’t mean that you can’t sleep with them and have the good time you’re looking for. If you’re not willing or, more likely, too afraid to hook up with a guy – and a guy that you’ve done your best to check out – then guess what you won’t be doing?

Cityman asked me how I managed to get so much dick and I told him that I managed to do it… because I made it easy for guys to want to gimme the dick. He asked me about my preferences and I’m sure I baffled him when I said that I didn’t have any and that there were only three things I was very serious about. Hah, he still asks me what I prefer and I keep telling him, “I prefer to have sex.” We talk about preferences and he even agrees that a lot of men are too rigid in that which they prefer… yet, well, he still has them because he’s more focused on who more than what and, yeah, like he’s gonna marry the guy and settle down with him until death does them part.

I get that my boy is into the FWB thing… because he likes to hang out with guys he’s cool with but, yeah, he’ll hook up with guys despite having one who, in my opinion, is the best FWB he’s ever had. I see guys preferring men with huge dicks which, all by itself, disqualifies a whole lot of men. I even remember being rejected because my dick was a half-inch shorter than what the other guy preferred… and I’d love it if you were to think about that one for a moment. I was… totally baffled and asked him why that half-inch mattered to him so much and all he said was, “I prefer bigger dicks…” and like that really was an explanation other than this is what he said and what he preferred.

But he also mentioned how hard it was for him to find guys to have sex with and, well, I felt – both then and now – that it was hard for him because he made it hard for himself. All in all, it’s not that difficult to figure out why there are so many guys frustrated and complaining about not being able to find a guy to sleep with and they are quick to blame everyone… except themselves. I get that one must be able to weed out the fakes and flakes; I get that one has to be as safe as possible and as a matter of course: This is just common sense stuff to me.

Still, if you play it too safe or have preferences that are totally on lockdown, or you prefer Mr. Right over Mr. Right Now, um, guess what you won’t be doing other than being frustrated and, perhaps, spending a lot of time jerking yourself off and daydreaming about all the dick you’re not able to get… and the reason why you’re doing this is because you set yourself up to fail. A lot of guys are doing this and it… cancels things out.

If you’re interested in the same thing I’m interested in, um, doesn’t that work? Gives us a starting point in negotiating where and when? Do I care how big your dick is? Nope since, um, they all work the same way. Okay. Really hairy guys creeps me the fuck out and I know it does… but if the really hairy guy meets my three requirements, his dick is going to get sucked because him wearing a fur coat has nothing to do with what I want to do to his dick. Does homey have a face that can break mirrors? Maybe he does but like I told Cityman, I ain’t looking to marry the dude and if my face is planted in his crotch, I’m not looking at his face, am I? And what exactly does his looks have to do with his dick?

Do I care how big a guy’s dick is? Nope and, believe me, I’ve learned some lessons about bigger not being better and as a great many guys believe. Does it work? Is it healthy? If the answers are yes and yes, let’s move on to the next step of the negotiations. Are you my idea of an asshole? That will be determined by how our conversation is going as well as what I might be thinking about your profile (if it’s an online connection) or what I might pick up just by us talking and especially if we’re doing it in person.

A lot of guys can’t pass this “test…” but a lot of guys do and, yeah, I know all too well that a lot of guys don’t “start out” being assholes but when their dick gets hard, they can turn into one but decades of experience has taught me how to deal with that. If you don’t have the ability to “sell” a guy and convince him that us getting together would be a damned good thing for us to do, well, hmm. If you don’t know how to counter a guy’s objections, ditto. Can’t host? Not a problem – there are too many places we can go and I’ll even pay for it if you can’t or don’t want to and to that end, it’s not about the money… but it is about being able to get that dick, you know, if you’re willing to give it up.

Do I care what your ethnicity is? Not even because, again, what does that have to do with anything? I’ve slept with guys ranging from “darker than the original sin” to so light that they probably get sunburned just turning on a light in a room. Are you a legal adult? You are? Great! On to the next thing.

The funny thing about this is that to get some dick, you, um, you kinda gotta “whore” yourself because you’re again trying to sell the other guy on it being a good idea for both of us to hook up, do the deed, and whatever happens after that? We can talk about it… but let’s not put the cart before the horse, okay? If you’re not HWP – height/weigh proportionate – well, so what? I’ve been with guys who didn’t weigh 100 pounds to up one guy who tipped the scales at just over 400… and that guy wore my ass out and like few men have been able to do… and it was fun because I saw his weight as a challenge more than a detriment.

If we’re “negotiating” and you’re giving me more reasons why you can’t do something than you are why you want to, well, that’s a shame because that’s a major deal-breaker for me and it tells me that your head isn’t in what I’d deem to be in the right place. Not all that experienced? Doesn’t matter since, um, no one is experienced until they get it and if I have to “take you to school,” I’m good with that and if you have to school me (not very likely), fine – I’m not too old to learn some stuff.

And if you’re expecting me to comply with your specifications and of a mind to disregard mine? No deal… because this ain’t just about you and it’s a mistake a lot of guys make in this. I prefer to have sex and I am flexible when it gets down to the details but if you’re hitting me with a laundry list of preferences, you’re going to make me disinterested and more so when there’s a great chance that you have preferences that makes no difference other than, yeah, that’s what you prefer over being able to do what you want to do.

If you’re making it hard for guys to get with you and they’re also making it hard, well, why are you doing this? It’s a lesson that was among the many I learned growing up and, yeah, buddy – I got a lot of dick because I made it easy on myself and easy for other guys to give it up to me. I’m… easy. I’ll say that even with both men and women, the worst thing that has happened is… I got laid. Probably could have been better but it was what it was but getting laid was, in fact, the thing I wanted to do even if I felt that, yeah, that could’ve gone better… but if you don’t try, you never fail and if you never fail, you never learn how to succeed.

Eye-rolling sigh. This question is one I’ve heard a lot. I wanted to know why it was being asked and more so when I found myself asking the same question. What I learned was that, yeah, it was them… but it was quite possible it was me, too, oh, like that thing I used to have about uncut dicks that I am totally embarrassed to admit that I had. It was a dumb reason for me to have turned down a lot of guys because of this but, um, if the guy I found to be acceptable wasn’t cut, did it really matter? It didn’t but that was something I had to get rid of because it wasn’t getting me dick when I wanted it.

I don’t pretend to understand why guys who moan and groan about not being able to find a guy can’t figure this out since, um, if they’re not getting any, it very well may be due to the fact that you’ve made yourself “unattractive” to the other men who are looking for the same thing you are: Sex with a dude. I don’t know about other guys but if there was something I really do prefer, it’s for me to not be part of the problem and be more about being part of the solution… and it’s pretty sad to see guys who are, in fact, part of the problem.