Does bisexuality lend itself to open relationships? Sure it does… since there are other reasons why opening up a relationship sounds good on paper (at the least) and sex isn’t always the main reason.
Bisexuals in a relationship are faced with a major problem: They want to do something about it and they can’t since the rules of monogamy apply whether you’re legally married or not. Given this, they’re faced with yet another problem: Either continue to do nothing or step to the side and get it done and then hope like hell you don’t get busted.
It gets even worse for some bisexuals in that they want to do something but don’t want to cheat in order to do it which, more often than not, leaves them horribly frustrated and can tend to set the stage for changes in mood and attitude that I’ve seen take place and not lend themselves to a happy relationship.
Indeed, anyone in a relationship who isn’t getting what they need knows what this feels like and while there are folks who can push this frustration to the side and keep moving forward, there are many folks who can’t; eventually, all that frustration piles up and a sense of self-preservation kicks in and the person not getting what they need in the relationship is looking for it elsewhere. And not always “deliberately;” some will decide that if an opportunity presents itself, the go/no go decision will be made at that time – if it happens, it happens. But, yeah, some folks in this situation – and folks who aren’t bisexual, by the way, will now make it a mission to get what they need since they can’t get it at home… and like they’re supposed to be.
Stepping outside of the relationship, even when not legally married, is a very big no-no; you just don’t do it and if you feel the need to, well, pack your bags and secure another place to live and, sure, a lot of people do just that… except – and as I’ve scribbled at times – leaving the relationship is actually a dumb thing to do.
So… now what? Leaving the situation unattended ain’t working and leaving the relationship ain’t gonna work. A lot of couples are discovering – and this ain’t anything new under the sun – that you can have your cake and eat it but there’s one nearly insurmountable problem with this: Convincing the person you’re in a relationship with that opening things up is going to benefit them as much as it will benefit you.
Yeah… good luck with that one. Being and staying monogamous is a matter of personal honor; you gave your word that you’d keep only unto yourself (and even if you’re not legally married) so to go back on your word ain’t cool… but neither is being in a relationship that is devoid of those things that go with maintaining a relationship. Yep – could be sex but could also be emotional content and connection.
The rules are what they are and there’s a bit of a disconnect happening in that we hold true that the rules should always be obeyed and adhered to but we accept that rules are also made to be broken… or, in this situation, modified.
A lot of couples – and sexuality notwithstanding – have figured out how they can have their cake and eat it while maintaining what’s known as the core relationship. They’ve figured out that both people in the relationship can get whatever they need, not only from each other but from, ah, outside agencies, and without trashing the core relationship. There are even forms of open relationships that are, for lack of a better phrase, one-sided; that’s when one person is having cake and the other is just find not having any cake other than what they already have.
But you still have to convince your partner that this would be a good thing for the relationship. One can sit down and put together the perfect and most logical argument in favor of doing this and utterly fail because you’re asking someone to do something that, morally, is never supposed to be done for any reason. I’ve heard such eloquent arguments and have heard the partner actually agree with everything presented and the proposition is rejected.
Sometimes, it gets rejected because the person making it often isn’t prepare or willing to offer whatever it’s gonna take to get their partner to agree because one of the questions that gets asked is, “What’s in it for me? What do I get out of it?”
The “proper” response is – or should be – “Well, what do you want? What’s it gonna take to make this happen?”
And then it’s on the partner to say what it’s gonna take; maybe they will, maybe they won’t and what they usually want is for things to stay just the way they are… except it’s now known that the way things are has become a problem.
Now… add bisexuality to this and you’ve just made shit even more problematic. Not only are you asking your partner to disregard the rules and even participate in a way that the rules don’t allow, now the reason why you want to open things up is because you crave pussy or dick on top of craving the person you’re with?
Can you see the cluster fuck beginning to take shape? And can you see the inherent flaws in the tenets of monogamy? Boy meets girl (or, yeah, boy meets boy, girl meets girl), they connect, fall in love, decide to share their lives with each other and in the beginning, things are going great but over time, shit changes and I’m not saying this in a bad kind of way – it’s just a fact that people change over time. We get… complacent in a relationship and behave as if things are gonna just take care of themselves and that neither person would ever have a reason to want something more than what they already have… and humans don’t work like that; we are, as a species, dynamic – always changing and adapting to whatever environment we’re in but being in a relationship makes people static: They get in one and they become stuck with it and even when a change is required to make the relationship run smoother, there is resistance… because we – humans – don’t like change a whole lot even if it’s a change for the better.
You tell your partner you want to try an open relationship because, you hate to say it, you need more than what they’re willing and/or able to supply or, as I’ve said in a bisexual context, when you need pussy/dick, um, your partner doesn’t have one. You’ve just told them that they’re not enough for you and they’re not gonna take this implication well at all. You’ve also told them that what you need is pussy/dick and that goes against everything they believe – and reinforces the implication that they’re not good enough for you. So right off the bat, you’ve just fucked shit up because even if the proposal gets rejected, the partner is going to always remember that they’re not everything you need in life to be happy with them.
And people wonder why bisexuals are said to have mental/emotional issues? People wonder why the person they’re partnered with will cheat on them? People wonder why so many relationships wind up going down the drain? It’s because it’s not easy to modify the rules – well, wait a minute: It is easy to do that; it’s not easy to get a partner who believes in monogamy and doesn’t believe in same-sex stuff to agree to such an arrangement.
Which doesn’t change the fact that some people have figured it out and have modified the rules so that the relationship can go on about its merry way and with both people getting whatever they need from each other as well as anyone else they may get involved with. Not only do some bisexuals get permission and, as such, opens the relationship, their partners are just as involved as they are and, again, some partners are like, “I can live with this… I just don’t need to know what you’re doing and if I’m doing something, well, let’s keep that under some hats.”
Which, personally, I think is a mistake but, sure, people do make it work like that.
Bisexual or not, if you want the relationship to be open, you first have to put together a good argument in favor of this and that argument should also contain anything that could go sideways – some of those things are obvious, some not so much. You have to, with your argument, convince them that being open doesn’t mean that you don’t love them and that you don’t need them; you have to convince them that whatever your reason for opening things up doesn’t mean they’re some kind of fucked up individual.
And you sure as hell have to be able to explain to them what’s in it for them if this happens as well as being willing to give them anything they might want and I do mean anything. Your argument should also contain an “outline” that explains how this open thing is going to work – a set of potential rules that, hopefully, allows things to work in this new environment while not fucking the whole thing up.
Your argument shouldn’t be just about you; it should be about “us;” how will this make us better together? Even if the partner isn’t of a mind to do anything with anyone else, your argument should point out that this arrangement leaves plenty of room should the partner decide that, yeah, I wouldn’t mind engaging with someone else. That’s kinda hard because you’re trying to “predict” the future by telling them that you might not want to do anything yourself now… doesn’t mean that someone could come along and change your mind about it.
And you gotta leave room for change and especially in any rules that get set up. One mistake people make is coming up with a set of rules and wind up making them unchangeable which might sound like a good idea at the time but can fuck shit up down the road because ya didn’t factor in that people do change and can change their minds… that and shit happens.
And, in your argument, you have to make it very damned clear that if things open up, you’re gonna abide by the terms the partner puts on the table. It’s about you… but it’s also about them as well and before you even bring this to them, you should think long and hard about what, if anything, is going to benefit them if they go along with this.
Good luck with that one, too; this is usually the part of the program where you find out that you don’t know your partner as well as you think you do and, yeah, bisexuals have a harder time with this because you can be with someone who doesn’t “have a problem” with bisexuality… as long as it has nothing to do with them… and here you are proposing an open relationship based on the fact that you want and need pussy/dick to make you not only a happy camper but more engaged and gung ho about the relationship.
Being bi and open – shit, even being gay or straight and open – makes a lot of sense on paper because, well, it makes sense. How do you stop someone from cheating? You remove the reasons why they may be compelled to cheat by giving them and yourself permission to do whatever needs to be done while making damned sure that the relationship doesn’t wind up suffering because of this.
Most people ain’t gonna do this; they’d rather let the relationship go down the drain than to do whatever they can do to make sure it doesn’t go down the drain. It’s why I tell people who ask about this that if you’re gonna put this on the table, everyone involved is going to have to forget everything they thought they knew about love, sex, and relationship so that they can learn a new way to do these things and be deliriously happy doing it.
It’s not impossible – it’s just very damned hard and, sorry to say, a lot of people aren’t capable of this depth of thinking; it’s too complicated, too many variables, way too many unknowns… and I’m the guy who’s telling you that it’s a bitch to end all bitches to do… and people do find a way to do it. Why?
Because if they don’t, the relationship will eventually wither and die and no one really wants that to happen… yet, this is exactly what a lot of people will do and, I hate to say it, usually because they’re more concerned with their own ass than the ass of the person they’re with. It’s that thing where we will tell our partner that because we love them, we’ll do anything for them, will give them anything that’s within our power and ability to do so… and this situation can definitely prove that what we really say to each other in this is, “I love you; I’d do anything for you… but.”
And people will let their relationship die even when they know that, for them, yeah… this could work… but the rules mandate that they can’t ever be broken and the best thing – the only thing – to do is to let the relationship die… and one should ask themselves if this really makes sense.
I don’t believe that it does and more so when, up to this moment in time, the relationship has been all that and a bag of chips. I can’t begin to tell you the number of times I’ve heard or have been asked, “How can we make things better? How can we spice it up and recapture – and relive – the early moments of our relationship where we were batshit crazy about each other and our growing love for each other made us do some delightfully silly shit?”
The rules, such as they are, don’t allow for extra spice to be added and believe me, many do try to spice it up without “outsiders” being involved. Some are successful, some aren’t; the added spice eventually fades into the background and things go back to the way they were and more spice is needed and, yeah, sometimes, that added spice comes in the form of being involved with someone and still being involved with the partner you have so much love for.
What would you do to keep your relationship intact and working? If you’re straight (or even gay) and you learn that your partner needs something you cannot give them, would you allow them to have it so that they can get back to being the happy critter you love… or would you dispose of them even if it’s not in your best interest to get rid of them?
What would you do? Would you be insulted if your partner asked to open the relationship? Get it in your head that they don’t love you, that they think that they’re not satisfied with you? Hold onto the lie that you’re all they’re ever gonna need – and even if you damned well know that you’re not of a mind to be everything they’re ever gonna need? Would you recognize that if your partner needed pussy/dick to make them a better person and a better partner… or would you be so pissed off that all you wanna do is break up the relationship?
Is it a matter of honor? That you promised to keep only unto yourself and let no one put asunder? That you promised for better or worse? But letting the relationship die also, in a way, besmirches your honor because there is now something you’re not gonna do for them even if it benefits you in some way?
This is what bisexuals – and, again, anyone in a relationship – faces. The way it’s supposed to be isn’t always the best way for it to be. Do you have a responsibility to make and keep the relationship the best it can be or are you of a mind that in this situation, it ain’t your problem and you ain’t gonna deal with it?
What would you do to keep the person you love by your side and for long as humanly possible?
Would it surprise you that a lot of people wouldn’t do a damned thing except let the relationship die when it doesn’t have to? And do you see how bisexuals in a relationship feel some kind of way because they need to do something but the rules don’t allow it and they’re with someone who firmly believes that the rules should be obeyed at all times and at any cost?
Do you see why bisexuals – or anyone, really – decide to cheat? Do you see that most of us live by a set of rules that serves to make us stagnant and unfulfilled? And do you believe – can you believe – that it is possible to have your cake and eat it, too – and even if you don’t want any cake at the moment… but ya might want some in a future you cannot see?
It’s complicated. We are conditioned to not break or otherwise modify these rules for our own benefit. Being single and alone just sucks… but being in a relationship that’s not providing things that you need – or could potentially need in that unknown future – also sucks. Breaking up and even cheating might make sense but at great cost.
But what if you could have your cake and eat it as well as giving your partner some cake as well? Would you do it, even for the sake of love and the continuation of the relationship?
Most people won’t. Think about that while I go run some errands. I understand that a lot of people will read this and wholly disagree with it; they don’t believe in it; the rules say it should never happen and that you should never want anything or anyone other than the person you’re with.
And you gotta (well, you don’t have to if you don’t want to) ask yourself if this really makes sense to let someone you said you love with all your heart and soul not only suffer with being deprived but let them get away from you… and because you can’t or won’t modify the rules.
My very wise mother told me, the day I told her I was getting married, that the relationship/marriage is only going to be as good as the two of us are willing to make it and it was on the both of us to make things as good as they can be.
And sometimes, in order to do this, you might have to break, modify, adjust, tweak, or just throw out the rules in order to be happy together and by any means necessary.
Would you do it? Could you do it? Would it bother you to know that there are couples who can do what you are incapable of doing – and they’re having big time fun doing it… and you ain’t having much fun being stuck where you are because you believe in something that doesn’t really work the way they say it’s supposed to? Willing to let someone you love suffer with not having what they need to make them better and, in turn, be a better partner? You willing to let yourself suffer and be unfulfilled? Willing to just walk away and start over because that’s what you’re supposed to do? And, yeah, worried that you’re gonna get cheated on… but it’s within your power to make that not happen?
Most people won’t. Most people can’t. Most people are pretty fucking miserable in their relationship as it currently stands; not enough sex, not enough intimacy, little or no emotional connection. Wants, needs, and desires being ignored and because we’re all about “me” and not so much about “us.”
Think about it, if you dare to and then not only think about why you wouldn’t – look at what you’re thinking about that’s making you say you would never do this.
Maybe you’ll see what I’m talking about and how bisexuals get all fucked up in the head and how willing we are to let them suffer and even throw them away.