“Bill” and I had disengaged from the very heated 69 we’d been in and I felt like I had just run a marathon; he had admitted to jerking off before I arrived and that told me that getting him off again was going to take some work. Still, I had fun doing him; while I’ve never given a flying fuck about cock size, his was pretty average in length and girth which allowed me to wreak havoc upon him – and not just because his cock was “stupidly” easy to suck.
As we were cooling off, I almost laughed aloud thinking about him sucking me and, I thought, trying to show off. I had taken him deep and held him there for a few and, I dunno, I guess he felt he had to equal what I was doing… and then started making those sounds like he was about to barf. I would have pulled away… but he not only had a hold of my ass, he also had a finger in me and his gagging broke my mood for a moment but just as I was about to stop and tell him to not do that, he pulled back and took a moment to get his act back together before going back to sucking me. I’ve never been one to criticize someone who wanted to blow me but, yeah, I always wondered why some guys always tried to do something that would cause them a bit of distress.
“Man, you’re really good at this!” Bill said – and with a huge smile on his face.
“I do my best,” I said, opting to respond this way instead of the way I sometimes respond: I should be given how long I’ve been doing this. Yeah, it sounds… snarky but it’s the truth.
“Can ask you something?” he asked, making me give him a look because I’m thinking that we just got finished sucking each other off so asking if he could ask me a question was… redundant? Unnecessary?
“Sure,” I said, shifting in place to be more comfortable and to better make eye contact with him.
“Are you ever afraid of someone finding out that, um, that you do this?” he asked.
“I used to be back in the day,” I said. This was a legit and serious question and deserved a serious answer. “With so much hatred for gays, it was pretty scary to think that someone might mistake me for being gay and want to get violent with me. With the people I knew, getting with guys posed a problem because many of them knew my routine so to, say, see me somewhere I wouldn’t normally be might get them asking me questions I didn’t want to answer and more so when a lot of them had that same prejudice against gay men. Until, one day and when I was doing some heavy thinking about all of this and realized – and then decided – that being fearful of what someone else might say wasn’t worth raising my blood pressure because they’re gonna say whatever they have to say… and I’m going to ignore it because whatever I do about having sex isn’t any of their business.”
“Does your wife know?” he asked.
“She does,” I said; I didn’t see a point to get into the details around this so I just let it go at that.
“Man, you’re lucky – I am so afraid that I’ll get busted and my whole life will go down the toilet,” he said, shaking his head and looking worried.
“I guess I am since I don’t have that to worry about but there are other things to be aware of,” I said. “Too many guys out there who aren’t all that… decent and by that I mean being considerate about what they want to do and not being mindful of their health. It’s a constant concern and an ever-present risk we all take and, for me, this is more of a concern than someone bitching me out because I sucked a dick and doing all that preaching that I’ve not only heard before but don’t really care a lot about.”
“Were you scared the first time you did it?” he asked.
“Honestly? No, I wasn’t. I was more… curious than anything else,” I said, digging into my memories to recapture what I was feeling in that moment. “I can’t honestly say that I knew what was going to happen but I was excited to find out. It was… nice – and that’s the best way I can put it. The taste and feel of his dick in my mouth was indescribable since I had nothing to compare it to. Then he came in my mouth and I swallowed it – decided that it was better to do that to keep from choking on it although, in retrospect, I probably should have tried to spit it out but I didn’t. I wasn’t afraid but afterward? I was energized something fierce; I could still taste him and I could feel his sperm in my stomach and I didn’t really know what to make of all this but I knew I liked it.”
“Wow,” he said. “My first time was some scary shit. My friend had asked me to suck him and part of me wanted to and another part of me was very scared to. I remember saying no because someone might see us but when I think back to that moment, I kinda laugh because we were in the woods behind my house and in the tree fort me and my friends had built so there was no way anyone would see me doing this unless they climbed the ladder to get in the fort.”
“I understand,” I said. His was a story that I’d heard but in different “versions;” it was like a lot of guys had similar first times.
“I was so scared that I felt like I was going to piss on myself. My friend kept telling me to do it and I felt pressured and afraid but when he pulled my head toward his cock, I just opened my mouth. He was telling me what to do and the more I did it, the less afraid I was but I was still jumping at any sounds I heard – you know what I mean?”
“I do,” I said with a wry smile. “It’s like you get super hearing and hearing a fly fart makes you want to jump right out of your skin.”
“Exactly! I don’t know how long I was sucking his cock but the more I did it, the more I liked it. I was going right along and so focused on how it all felt when, the next thing I knew, I felt something shoot into my mouth; it was warm and kinda thick and salty but it tasted sweet but it didn’t taste all that good. I wanted to spit it out but he was holding my head and I couldn’t move so I did the only thing I could think of – I swallowed it.”
“I understand that, too,” I said.
“Then I threw it up,” he said with a bit of a laugh. “I at least had enough sense to rush over to the opening and throw up outside the fort. That left me feeling pretty yucky but when he asked me if I was okay, I realized that I was okay but now I was afraid that he was going to tell the rest of the guys about what I’d done.”
“Yeah, that was always a problem when I was growing up and more so when the wrong person would get told – and now I’m listening to a bunch of shit and getting ready to get into a fight,” I said, remembering all of the times when someone kissed and told.
“I just have a hard time dealing with my fears,” he said. “After that day, shit, not only did he tell the other guys, they wanted me to suck their cocks, too, and the bad part was that I was afraid to… and I wanted to. Hell, I remember us leaving the tree fort that day and I couldn’t shake the feeling that everyone who saw us walking down the street knew what we had been doing to each other.”
“It can make you paranoid like that,” I said. “It’s crazy because that’s how you’re feeling even though you also know that there’s no way that anyone looking at you would know what you did.”
“Right. I just don’t know how to deal with my fears. I was afraid to ask you if we could do this even though we did meet each other on a site for guys who want to do this. I just knew that everyone I knew would find out that I was looking to suck cock even though I knew I was in the clear today… but that fear has always stuck with me like stink on a skunk.”
He had me laughing when he said that but I knew what he meant all too well.
“How did you deal with it? I mean, I don’t get a sense that you have any fears about doing this,” he said.
“Like I said, I just figured out that it didn’t make sense for me to be afraid of something that I don’t have any control over,” I said. “People are going to think or say whatever and whether they’re right or dead wrong. I realized that, yeah, sometimes, I’m gonna have to explain myself but most of the time and when someone got in my face about it, I’d just neither confirm nor deny that I sucked that guy’s dick – then whatever else they had to say, I’d just tune them out. Also like I said, I have heard this shit so many times that I got tired of listening to it – so I stopped listening to it and that took away a lot of the fear I was carrying around. There’s reason to be… concerned but to be afraid? Didn’t make any sense. I go out of my way to avoid any situation that I think isn’t going to be a good one but sometimes you never know how a guy is going to behave once his dick gets hard… and now I might have to defend myself.”
“That doesn’t scare me and I’m not really fearful of such situations – I’m just aware that anything can happen and it’s on me to be able to deal with it… but letting fear run things is a bad idea since there are guys who smell fear on you and now they want to take greater advantage of it.”
“So I really shouldn’t be afraid – is that what you’re saying?” he asked.
“Yes… and no. Dealing with this and managing your fears is one of those things where you have to figure out how to do it. I told you how I did it but that might not work for you; everyone’s situation is different. I don’t have to worry about my wife giving me all holy hell and divorcing me; there are some who are close to me that know this about me and, if nothing else, they like to mess with me about it but in a good way. Everyone else? I don’t have the time or the patience to be worried or fearful about what they might have to say and if they wanna get violent about it, well, it’s gonna suck to be them. I had to deal with this shit growing up and I saw a lot of guys getting their asses kicked and the difference between me and them is that I really know how to fight and I will do whatever I gotta do to defend myself. As such, I’m not afraid… but I remain aware of things.”
“How you deal with your fears depends on a lot of stuff that only you know of. My sensei would always tell us that it’s okay to be afraid but to not let our fears control us and that we should use our fears. When he taught us about this, I admit that I had no idea what the hell he was talking about but, over time, it started to make sense because, on the whole, letting our fears control us just isn’t a good thing to do and no matter what you’re doing.”
“You’ve really thought this out, haven’t you?” he asked.
“Yeah, I have and I’ve probably thought too much about it – wouldn’t be the first time I’ve been accused of overthinking stuff,” I said with a laugh. “But when you know about something, the more you know about it, the less fearful it is; the fear becomes… awareness because, as Murphy’s Law says, if it can go wrong, it will go wrong and instead of being fearful about this, you’re just aware that things could go sideways and especially if you don’t want or need it to. Awareness… but never fear. Takes a lot of energy to be worried about shit that, for the most part, is going to be beyond your control so when it comes to this, if you have reason not to do it, just don’t do it and if the other guy get’s pissy about it, well, you just gotta handle it – but not be afraid because you were aware that this could happen if you said no.”
“You have an interesting way of looking at this,” he said.
“I see it the way I do because I’ve been doing this for a very long time and I’ve learned a lot of shit,” I said. “I know that sucking a guy’s dick is some scary shit and that fear just brings on other fears so now you’re spending more time looking over your shoulders or being all jumpy when, I think, all that energy is better spent and used doing something you enjoy doing,” I said.
“I was afraid that you weren’t going to like how I sucked you,” he said.
“I can understand that since I used to have that fear, too, until I finally realized that the other guy not liking it is one of those things I don’t have any control over. I can only do the best I can do and if that’s not good enough for him, okay, at the least, I’ll file his displeasure away but the bottom line for me is did I get to suck dick? I did. I’m good with it even if he wasn’t. That’s on him but, yeah, because I know it can happen, I’m not afraid of it happening. And, yes, you did just fine until you tried to deep throat me.”
“Yeah, um, I wanted to try it with you,” he said – and he was actually blushing, too. “I just wanted it to be good for you, ya know?”
“I do know… and it was good so nothing to be afraid or worried about, right?” I asked. “Next time you try that, breathe through your nose and not your mouth – that helps a lot.”
“Let’s find out!” he said.
Well, um, let’s say that he did better the second time around but for me, shit, I kinda “hated” conversations like this because if we went for round two, my mind gets… distracted analyzing the conversation when I know I should be paying attention to what’s going on but, yep, I can’t help it; it’s just how my brain works. Yes, indeed – he did a good job sucking me until I came again and despite my thoughts distracting me, it didn’t stop me from wreaking havoc on his cock again and I’ll even admit to showing off when I took him deep… and stuffed his balls into my mouth, too. Had my jaw muscles aching something fierce but it was worth it since the moment I got his nuts out of my mouth, he came.
Good stuff. Afterward, we mostly talked about whether or not we could get together again some time and I said that I’d like it if we could – give me a call and let’s see what can be arranged. To be honest, I didn’t expect to hear from him again so I was a bit surprised when, three days later, he called me; not just to arrange a time and place to blow each other but to tell me that he was doing much better at not letting his fears get the best of him… and I was genuinely happy to hear this.
A lot of guys have a lot of fears about this. Some are imagined… but some of them are very damned real.. and a lot of them fall into the category of being beyond one’s control. You just never know when someone is going to confront you about this and because someone outed you or they got very suspicious and even intuitively knew that you’re not as straight as you appear to be. If you’re aware of it, sure, you can be concerned about it but not fearful. This reminds me of a saying I read: Don’t let your fears make you foolish. It took me a few to make sense of this, both in the context in which it was written but how this applies to how you go about your life. If you’re fearful, you’re not thinking and if you’re not thinking, yeah, being made to be foolish is something to be avoided at all costs. And in this, if you’re spending more time being afraid of things – and things that aren’t actually happening – then you’re not paying attention to what you’re doing and that leads to a less than satisfactory experience for everyone involved.
I know that I’m not always going to get or do it right… so I have no fears or worries about it. While I do take quite a bit of pride in my ability to give head, I can only do the best I can do and if I don’t get it right, yeah, that’s not good but all I can do is apologize and, if there’s a next time, do my best to do it better for them. But to be fearful about this or any of the associated things that are part and parcel of being a bi guy? Makes no sense. I really have better things to think about. And as another thing I read says, a life lived in fear is a life not worth living.
I don’t know if Bill got over all of his fears but I did notice when we were together, he was more confident about what he was going as well as being more comfortable with it. Going forward, man, I’d run into guys carrying around a great deal of fear and it would greatly inhibit them and make me wonder how a guy can have so many fears about something he wants to do and if it ever occurs to them that in order to be able to do it, getting rid of those fears or finding a way to manage them would make being able to do it a lot easier on them, well, where their thoughts about all of this is concerned.
It’s in our nature to fear the unknown but once we know a thing, we either continue to fear it for some reason or we stop being afraid of it; we have a measure of respect and awareness of it and that’s a better place to be than to, again, be constantly looking over our shoulders or jumping at noises or seeing shit in shadows that’s not really there. Or being bothered by that weird sense of paranoia that gets you thinking that everyone who lays eyes on you knows that you’re not as straight as you appear or is thought to be. We tend to project fear forward and in a way that can get us to believe that whatever we’re fearful of in this is always going to show up and cause problems when, in actuality, there’s always the potential for things to go south and something to be aware of because if it’s going to go south, you don’t have much in the way of control over situation and, yeah, the best way to not make this fear real is to… do nothing.
Not only do we tend to project our fears, we can also project those fears onto others, like how I can go on the forum and read guys losing their ever-loving minds as they insist that if you have casual sex with someone, you will be infected with something. Yeah, it’s possible; it’s something to be aware of but to be of a mind that this worst case situation will happen, well, I think that’s more irrational fear than anything else and more so when there are things you can do to prevent being infected and as simple as the price of a box of condoms. One guy gets to riffing about this and I don’t think such a guy gives any thought about how he’s infecting others with his fears and more so when chances are the other guys really don’t have a whole lot to be fearful about, not when they are able to set their fears aside and look at things without that fear getting in the way of clear thought… and making them foolish.
I get it. That used to be me, too, but before I sicced my intelligence on my fears and those fears got their asses kicked and/or put into perspective. I’m aware of a lot of the things that could go wrong trying to get some dick and getting my fix for it and I do my best to plan accordingly but, yeah, hope for the best, expect the worst… but without being fearful one way or the other.