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Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: The Schism Widens

The other day and while perusing items with the “bisexuality” tag, I came across one written by a woman who, in her words, picked up on the cues on how to spot a bisexual man so he can be avoided at all costs. I read what she wrote… and I started laughing because she’s so far off-base with her cues and more so when I, as a bisexual man, don’t come close to any of them.

Neither do a lot of other bi guys. One of the things about biphobia has been warning women who are on the hunt for a man to stay away from “those down-low brothers” because they’ll just do you wrong and give you all kinds of nasty shit that you don’t want to deal with. The bad news is that there are bi guys who do fit that description… but that same description also applies to many straight men as well.

I don’t know what makes her think she can look at a guy and tell whether he’s bisexual or not; maybe she’s run into some dudes who have presented the cues she mentioned, like they’ve never been married and/or they don’t have any children even though the guy may be in his 50s.

Really? Being serious about two or more women in their life means they’re bi? Say what?

Okay… I get it and it’s yet another one of those perception versus the truth things I tend to go on about at times. There’s been a big enough wedge driven between men and women over our existence as a species… and male bisexuality is being used to drive that wedge even deeper and one, if they cared to, should wonder why this makes any sense.

I have, in my life to date, heard just about every bad thing that can be said about bisexual men and the sad part about this is that some of that stuff is true… but does it mean that all bisexual men are bad guys? Yeah, it does and in the minds of many and some of those minds are female.

I find it disturbing that biphobia has found a way to drive that wedge deeper between men and women – but I’m not surprised by it. A lot of women are scared shitless to discover that the guy they’re in love with is bisexual and now every bad case scenario they can think of just now gonna be true when, um, it might not ever be true.

And all because somewhere along the line, some bi guy fucked everything up for all bi men. It is to note, however, that there are still a whole lot of people who firmly believe that bisexual women are the holy grail – but that double standard has been with us for a damned long time, hasn’t it? While there are those who very much dislike bisexual women – and some of the bi gal haters are lesbian – the “main reason” is because we have this notion of what it means to be male or female and how this is all supposed to work when the truth is it has never really worked like that and the proof is that we’re still, as a whole, bitching a bitch about how much reality is doing to poke holes in that which is supposed to be.

At first, I wasn’t going to comment on that woman’s blog… but I did because, um, someone has to let her – and other women know – that what they believe ain’t the whole truth of things. The thing is that once someone gets it into their head that a bi guy is the worst creature ever born, getting them to change their viewpoint is damned near impossible.

I even pointed out something to her, that being, chances are good that a bi guy has more in common with women than a straight guy does given how a lot of us find out some of the same things women do about men… and, yeah, a lot of the things women can’t stand about men. Do women see this? Not so much; all they see is a guy who “isn’t going to be all about them” and in whatever way that means and the perception that bi guys are more about guys than gals.

And some are… and way too many are still more about women than they are about men. Indeed, there are bi guys who don’t even like other guys in the same way they’re crazy about those very insane women. Yes – they like the sex… and provided they’re even having any of it but many bi guys are of a mind that when it comes to love and that deeper sense of intimacy, only a woman will fit that bill to their satisfaction.

The woman who authored the post said something about bi guys only interacting with other people via social media because it hides the truth of what they really are… and my eyes rolled so hard they filed a complaint against me. One thing one learns about social media is that what you see might not be real and it stands to reason that there are some folks who use social media just to fuck with other people… because it’s their idea of fun and they have nothing better to do with their time.

Doesn’t mean that a guy who is deep into social media is bisexual… but she seems to think this is an indicator. I pointed out to her that not only have I been bisexual damned near all of my life, I’ve made it my mission in life to understand male bisexuality… and even I can’t tell a bi guy from a straight one. Indeed, one of the many complaints I read about on the forum is the utter inability to figure out if a guy is bi or not.

She wrote that it doesn’t make sense for a man not to be honest about what he is and I pointed out to her that the reason why a lot of men aren’t being honest about it is her reaction to bisexual men; it kinda doesn’t make a whole lot of sense to be honest about it with someone who will, upon hearing this, will shred you like lettuce and throw you away like you’re garbage… because they believe that you are just that.

Garbage. Unmanly. Incapable of tending to a woman’s needs and all that. Only being totally focused on her and nothing else. She, like so many women and people in general, thinks that bisexual means homosexual even though the majority of bisexual men are still more into women than they are guys.

She doesn’t know or isn’t aware of the fact that there are loads of bisexual men who are happily involved with women and that they’ve put their desire for men on the shelf so they can be with her and in every way that means. She doesn’t know or isn’t aware of the fact that there are a lot of married (or otherwise involved) bi guys who are horribly frustrated because they just will not cheat on their woman to get the dick they crave.

Now, bi guys today aren’t the same as they were when I was growing up. While a lot of guys grew up having to hide/suppress their bisexuality, a lot of men today are deciding not to hide or suppress it because they understand, if no one else cares to, how much doing this really fucks them up both mentally and physically… but because women have such a hatred for us, nope, not really of a mind to let girlfriend know about this.

And the fucked up part is still that thing where we, as men, are expected, demanded and required to accept women as-is and if you can’t, you’re dismissed… but to ask a woman to accept that a guy is bisexual – not gay, mind you – is serious out of the question and we’re some kind of idiots to expect women to treat us in the same as-is way that they demand that we do.

What she doesn’t know or might not be aware of is that there are a lot of women who are more comfortable with a bi guy than a straight one; I’ve seen some stuff written where some women are saying that a bi guy is the best kind of guy to be partnered with because the bi guy is more likely to be more open-minded, understanding, and easygoing about a lot of things. Bi guys aren’t likely to get all into that “Me Tarzan, you Jane” shit that women can’t stand about us in the majority of times.

Like I said to her in my comment, I’m not saying she’s wrong to think the way she does but she is misinformed – eh, she might not like that I said that but I don’t PC very well. I know some… shit that she doesn’t and I even know why she’s thinking the way she does; I know that she thinks she’s developed her school of thought all on her own… and she didn’t; her mindset really isn’t her own but a continuation of a prejudice we as a species has about anyone who isn’t exactly like us or doesn’t conform to the way things are supposed to be.

It’s not her fault, to be honest – a lot of women are just like her and sometimes without really understanding why they are. It’s easier to believe all of the bad shit being thrown around than it is to look at – and accept – the truth; it’s easier to lump all bi guys into one really messy pile of stinky shit than it is to look at the positives that do exist. I’ve heard it said that a lot of women are and feel threatened by bisexual men because their focus “isn’t totally on them” and some see us as competition for a man’s affection… and I’m of a mind that if we’re competing with women about anything, uh, um, it’s getting some dick to play with more than anything else but, sure, I can see how people confuse us with gay men.

What she doesn’t know or isn’t aware of is that there are gay men who like women a lot more than they’re willing to admit to and I mean not in a “we’re all just girls” kind of way – some gay men like pussy, too. They wouldn’t come out and say that they’re bisexual but, yeah, if they’re occasionally packing some woman’s stuff, they are more gay than bi as a matter of course…

But it’s always about perception, isn’t it? It’s the same thing that makes a guy suck a dick (or two or ten) and swear on a stack of holy items that he’s still straight. You know what I say: If this sounds insane to you, it’s because it really is. We see the world in the way we want to because it’s not easy to see it as it really is so is it really all that unusual for a straight woman to see men only in the way they want to see them?

No, it isn’t… but the truth is no one is really the way we want them to be and this woman, along with so many others, have reason not to like bisexual men because they’re not supposed to but they’re faced with a problem, that being, how does one identity a bi guy from a straight guy and more so when the majority of bi guys are more straight in their behaviors than they are gay?

If you wanna know, ask him and with the understanding that he’s probably not going to tell you because who likes getting tarred and feathered for being who and what they need to be in order to be okay with themselves? Most guys know – and because history tells us – that if we told the woman we love that we like guys, too, it’s game over and we’d prefer that the game doesn’t end, if it’s all the same to you. Sure, we like dick… but women do as well but instead of seeing this as a common ground, it becomes a bigger wedge between us. Just because a guy likes dick doesn’t mean that he’s not man enough to… be a man and in the sense that men are supposed to always be.

But the perception is this can’t be true… can it? Truth is a lot of bi guys are all male in everything they do… except, um, pounding the pussy ain’t the only sexual thing they enjoy.

My protege says that relationships between men and women would be so much better if women can accept and understand that we like dick like they do but we are still very much about them and in all their insane glory… because it makes sense to be crazy about those crazy women.

What this school of thought kinda suggests that if you’re bi and just being who you want to be, you’re about as wrong as anything can be – you’re supposed to be what other people want you to me or, “How dare you be yourself!”

We just stubbornly believe that being straight and involved with a bisexual is a bad thing… because we believe that it is and the truth is still very different… and summarily ignored. Again, we’d rather believe the hype more than anything else.

And now that wedge between men and women is being driven deeper and this is a very sad state of affairs and mostly because we’re made to believe that because of some bad apples, all bi guys are the most horrible creatures ever born. And that’s because we’re more about the way things are supposed to be than we are about the way things can be. There are both men and women who very much believe in the fairy tale of how things are supposed to be and, yes, it is a fairy tale and it doesn’t take much to see why it is. It’s an ideal kind of thing and one that we were told is the only way to be…

And that was never the truth of things. Never. Yet it’s still easier to believe the fairy tale than it is to accept the truth: This ain’t some pie in the sky, feel-good shit: This is real life shit. People are bisexual and bisexual people do get involved with people because they love them, feel great affection and desire for them but, yeah, when it comes to things like sex, the way it’s supposed to be ain’t the way it really is – it’s never been that way but we do keep believing that it’s not supposed to be.

And until we, collectively, can get our heads around this fact of life shit, there will be women like the one I’ve been writing about who will continue to believe that bi guys are the worst human beings ever born – because that’s exactly the way she’s supposed to be thinking and because she was made to think this way.

Not all bi guys are angels and all storybook perfect… but who among us really are? Some bi guys are assholes… and so are a lot of straight guys… and even gay guys. She doesn’t know this or she isn’t as aware of this as she should be but, yeah, sure, isn’t it easier for her to “hate” on bi guys and because she’s supposed to and more so when the guy who is more likely to fuck up her whole life is, in fact, straight and rabidly so?

 
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Posted by on 9 November 2019 in Today's Bisexual Thoughts

 

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Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: Biphobia

“I ignored the evidence of my own eyes and clung to dogma instead of adapting to new understanding.”

The above is a quote of a passage in a book written by Dr. Nathan Lowell entitled, “In Ashes Born” and, sorry, you’d have to read the book – actually a bunch of books – to understand what the main character in this book was talking about when he said it.

Why is biphobia a problem? Read the quote. It’s not that it’s really unknown that bisexuals exist but there are people who cannot adapt to a new understanding and they’d rather stick with what they think they know or otherwise believe and more so when that new understanding conflicts with their beliefs.

As I said way back when that NY Times article declared that bisexuality was real and that bisexuals were just as real, I remember saying, “Bullshit; I’m bisexual and I know I exist – duh!” Even witnessing the crap homosexuals had to endure, it was never said that they don’t exist – it was being said that their existence was an affront to “the natural order of things” and an abomination before God and, as such, one that had to be eradicated and by any means necessary.

That didn’t work because, um, plenty of gay folks going about their business every day… and with untold numbers of bisexuals along with them and bisexuals, who are very much aware of the angst against homosexuals, not of a mind to draw that kind of attention to themselves.

Why biphobia? Doesn’t make a lot of sense except those who are fostering this and making bisexuals believe it’s a real problem for us are being bothered by the fact that the world as they know and understand it ain’t the way shit really is. It’s no secret that some homosexuals have a great dislike for bisexuals… because we’re not exactly like them. Not that it’s wrong for them to believe that their way of life is all that and a bag of chips… but their failure, if you will, lies in sticking with their dogma and not adapting to or even accepting the fact that being gay – or even being straight – ain’t the only way to be in this life.

Cityman said it quite well when we were talking about this and he mentioned “the fear of the other” and a fear that’s made humans so divisive, given rise to all sorts of prejudices because if you’re not like us, you’re inferior and against us so you’re either gonna get dealt with or summarily ignored.

Or told, in this case, you’re not what you say you are and know yourself to be.

I allowed, in our discussion, that it’s quite possible that bisexuality and bisexuals upsets the accepted worldview – people are either straight or gay and there’s no middle ground… and despite the fact that, again, bisexuality ain’t exactly an unknown thing. It made me ask, “If this ain’t real, what are they fussing about?”

Maybe they don’t want it to be real because, again, it invalidates that which they’ve always believed, from sex to relationships which can be quite upsetting. But instead of accepting a new understanding, biphobics seem to not only hold onto dogma but also seems to want to dictate how bisexuality should go, which I find odd for something that supposedly doesn’t exist.

Go figure, huh? There’s some folks who are rallying against this and some are saying that by not acknowledging biphobia as being real, one is contributing to the problem. Maybe it’s just me but, um, where’s the sense in giving credence and validity to something that’s obviously untrue? I’m bisexual and have been for a long time and, duh, obviously, I do exist and, double duh, I happen to know other bisexuals.

Now, just because “bisexual” isn’t a part of the normal and daily lexicon – and like gay and lesbian have become – doesn’t change anything and, oddly, it’s all well and good that this changes nothing. So now another quote in another book by the same author: “Absence of evidence isn’t evidence of absence.”

A bit of a tongue twister and something that’ll make you think just trying to figure out what the hell this means. If a tree falls in a forest does it still make a noise if no one is there to hear it? Or the cat thing that says that the boxed kitty ain’t alive or dead until observed.

So, um, just because you don’t “see” a bisexual doesn’t mean that they don’t exist. Bisexual doesn’t mean gay… doesn’t mean straight either – kinda means both and the thing that amazes me – and then thing that I’ve not determined is a good or bad thing yet is the biphobic insistence that if bisexuality doesn’t resemble heteronormativity, then bisexuality is invalid.

What.

The.

Fuck.

A bi gal wrote on the “new” forum that because she’s in a relationship with another woman, everyone says she’s gay and it bothers her that no one wants to accept her bisexuality or the truth that she’s bisexual. Is she really being erased and dissed… or just another victim of the inherent prejudice we display when wrapped up in our fear of the other? Is she just a victim of those who cling to dogma and cannot adapt to new understandings?

And if I explain this bisexual thing about me and you still insist that I’m not what I say I am, which one of us has a problem? Or if you tell me that, as a bisexual, I should be, say, in a relationship with a guy and I tell you that, nope, not on my list of things to do – but it’s not impossible – and you maintain that I’m not bisexual, again, which one of us has a problem accepting this?

Can’t be me since, um, I know what am I and how I prefer to go about being the way I am… but biphobia insists that it is me who has the problem since I don’t conform to a non-bisexual view of how bisexuality should be.

If it really that is… but it’s like I asked: If it doesn’t exist, what’s all the ruckus about? Methinks “existence” isn’t the real issue; it’s that bisexuality doesn’t, as a matter of course, resemble either the heteronormative or homonormative dynamics – it’s a mash-up of both and not “equally balanced” as it’s been inferred it should be. And, oh, yeah, ain’t the homonormative dynamic very similar to the heteronormative one and where love,,sex and relationships are concerned? After all, that’s what they’ve been fighting and even dying for – the right to be treated just like everyone else is.

And some of “everyone else” contains bisexuals. Lots of bisexuals. From all walks of life. All over the planet. The truth? Bisexuality is real, bisexuals exist as each individual sees fit to in this regard.

Biphobia seems to be for those folks who can’t handle the truth or, as Mythbuster Adam Savage said, “I reject your reality and replace it with my own!” Makes me wonder – and not for the first time – who’s really in denial about some shit: Bisexuals or the people who think we don’t, can’t or shouldn’t exist.

 
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Posted by on 13 March 2019 in Today's Bisexual Thoughts

 

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Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: Internalized What?

I just gotta write about this.  See, there’s a guy on the bi guy forum (whose name I’m not gonna mention) who, at times, can be such a buzz-kill when a guy shares an experience and the way he does this is that whenever a guy talks about something that didn’t happen during an encounter, internalized biphobia is the real problem at work.  I don’t mean to disrespect the guy but I’m not sure he understands, first, what a phobia is – an irrational fear.  Now, if you know how phobias affect people – and whether their fear is irrational or very real to them – in most cases, having a phobia will prevent people from being involved with anything that might trigger that phobia.

So, without getting into any revealing details, a guy who is a self-professed bottom, did something he said he rarely does:  He topped a guy.  He shared that he had a good time doing it like that but his only “regret” was that the other guy wasn’t into kissing and cuddling; the sex got started, got finished, both men got dressed and went on about their business.  The buzz-killer comes along and comments that the kissing and cuddling didn’t happen as the OP wanted because of – wait for it – internalize biphobia on the part of the other guy.

You know, I can’t fathom why someone who feels they’re suffering from biphobia – and by its alleged definition is an irrational fear of bisexuality/bisexuals – would do the one thing that makes them want to soil themselves or give them endless nights of recurring nightmares.  Do some guys just wanna get right to it, have sex, bust a nut, and call it a day?  Of course they do… and even if it wouldn’t be a bad thing for some kissing and cuddling – before and after the fact – would work.  Do some guys want to do the “blow and go” because, for one, they lose their desire for sex after busting a nut or, for another thing, they feel some guilt after cumming so doing some after sex cuddling is gonna make them feel worse about what they just did?  Well, yeah; those two things are things that happen even when we don’t want them to or, perhaps naively, think they shouldn’t happen… doesn’t mean there’s anything that remotely resembles biphobia going on.  Is it true that some men believe that in some situations, kissing is much to intimate for them or feel that kissing and cuddling with a man is just “too gay” for them to do?  Yes, indeed it is and even as funny as that might sound.  Shit, it’s just as true that some guys know they’re lousy kissers so, um, let’s not do that and just get to the business at hand, okay?

I don’t doubt that there are people who believe themselves to be suffering from biphobia.  But if this phobia doesn’t seem to make any real sense, well, neither does a guy suffering from biphobia… but he wants to suck cock and all that jazz.  Now, they say that the best way to conquer a fear is to face it and it’s true that people with, ah, more established phobias do their level best to survive in an environment that also includes their phobia, like people who have a fear of thunderstorms; you can’t escape them so all these poor souls can do is their level best not to succumb to the fear.  But someone with biphobia can easily avoid their fear of this by not doing anything that will invoke that fear so, um, no – you don’t avoid a fear of bisexuality/bisexuals by getting naked with a guy and gleefully get your cookies crumbled.

I think Mr. Buzz-kill gets biphobia confused with feelings of guilt and, as mentioned, a lot of guys feel a great deal of guilt after the fact; the rules say that you should have not spent the last hour or so sucking each other’s dick…  didn’t stop the dicks from getting sucked, did it?  I think that Mr. Buzz-kill believes, like so many others, that sex is supposed to happen in a specific way or order; you kiss and cuddle before the fact as a part of foreplay, maybe do some kissing during sex and when it’s over and done with, there’s more kissing and cuddling that has to be done.  Or maybe that’s the way he likes to do things… doesn’t mean that everyone wants or needs to do it like this because sometimes, all you wanna do is get right to the business of getting laid… because that’s what best satisfies the need or that’s all you have time for.  Sometimes I get the impression that Mr. Buzz-kill believes that men should have sex with each other the same way we have sex with women.  Not saying that there’s anything wrong with that but, um, well, we know – or we should know – that women often need foreplay to get up to speed… but guys are already going at 100 mph before they even start to get undressed.  Still, fore- and after-play is a part of being intimate but what cracks me up is how many people who think that giving head and/or fucking aren’t just as – or even more – intimate than kissing is.

I know some guys will not suck cock or be fucked because it’s too gay for them, again, a really odd way of looking at it because that same guy doesn’t seem to have any qualms about letting a guy suck his dick or turning around and sinking his dick into the other guy’s ass, you know, like doing that is neither intimate nor gay.  Is the guy who refuses to do this stuff suffering from some kind of internalized biphobia?  I’d have to say no because, again, people who suffer from phobias will go out of their way to avoid that which they’re afraid of and at every chance they get to avoid it.  Okay… are there guys who feel that having sex with another guy is gonna turn them into flaming homosexuals?  Yep, there sure are and,yep, it’s why some guys are still sitting on the bench when, in their heart of hearts, they don’t wanna be benched.  Is it a phobia?  Sure, it’s a form of homophobia but the point here is that people who are homophobic, generally, do not do homophobic things.  Ever.  You can’t always avoid coming in contact with a homosexual because you can’t always tell whether someone is a homosexual but if it can be avoided, it will be avoided so, um, no – if “Pete” is homophobic, the chances that he’s gonna agree to exchange blow jobs with another guy are slim and none; he’d rather eat shit and die before he’d do that.

So if biphobia works along the same lines – and I don’t think it’s unreasonable to look at it like that, er, um, what fucking sense does it make for a guy with biphobia to want to be locked in a nice 69 with another guy or be poking each other in the butt?  Now, if this guy is, in fact, facing his fears in order to conquer them, that makes sense… but a lot of phobias are quite debilitating and inhibiting; I’ve seen ultra-macho guys freak the hell out because there’s a spider creeping across their path; I’ve seen those same kind of macho guys literally hurt themselves to get away from a mouse… or cats, or anything else they’re afraid of.  So guys with internalized biphobia getting down and dirty with another guy?  Maybe it’s just me, folks, but I just don’t see how that works.  Is it – or could it be true – that there are some folks who are irrationally afraid that they might just be bisexual?  I suppose… just like I suppose those folks aren’t having same sex encounters.

It bothers the shit out of me to see some of the shit that’s being said about bisexuality because a lot of it is very similar to what I’ve heard said about homosexuality so from my point of view, those folks who are dead-set against non-heteronormative behaviors are just changing targets; instead of their ire being directed at homosexuals,well, there’s always those damned bisexuals to pick on, right?  I find it kinda disturbing that there are folks who feel that, in this case, men should interact with other men and in the same way they’d interact with women and, indeed, there are some who firmly believe that bisexuality has to be an even playing field or, whatever you’d do with a woman, you should do the exact same things with a guy… except we – as men – don’t always want or need to have such involved sex; sometimes, what we want to do is have sex without all the “fussiness” – just whip it out, get it hard, make it soft again and it’s off to the next thing on our list of things to do.  Shit, even women at times don’t want to go through all the fussiness; just throw her down, get it in her, work it until nuts gets busted – and let’s get dressed and go on with things.  Like there’s something wrong with wanting a quickie every now and then…?

Whenever Mr. Buzz-kill starts this internalized biphobia stuff, I can’t help it – I gotta smack his fingers for not only bringing it up but for spoiling the joy guys feel when they’ve done something that they had fun doing – and even if all the “I’s” and “T’s” don’t get crossed as they may have preferred.  It doesn’t mean that because some guys ain’t into kissing and cuddling, they’re not bisexual… and it sure as hell doesn’t mean that they have some sense of biphobia going on in their head – that would be the head attached to their neck, by the way.  Yes, it is true that a guy will feel some guilt before the fact about getting ready – or even wanting – to do it with another guy… and most guys are able to ignore it because, um, they wanna have sex.  It is true that a guy will cum and no matter what he’s thinking, bleh, any further acts of intimacy just ain’t gonna happen; that refractory period after ejaculation is a motherfucker and a half and it seems to me that it’s during the onset of this that a lot of guys will get hammered by guilt… doesn’t change the fact that they did whatever they did and had fun doing it… just like it doesn’t change the fact that the next time they get a chance to do it, they’re gonna do it.

Internalized biphobia my left nut…  I’m not a fan of kissing and cuddling with guys and I can assure you that there’s nothing biphobic about me.  If a guy just wants to do the deed and get in the wind afterward, okay, that works because chances are that I’ve got other things that require my attention as well.  It’s not gonna hurt my feelings one bit if a guy says he’s not into kissing and cuddling and I’m not gonna think there’s anything wrong with that and I’m sure as hell not gonna start thinking that he’s suffering from an irrational fear.  I am well aware that there are bi guys who are concerned with the consequences of their actions and that being concerned about something isn’t the same as having a fear of something.  I’m also aware that one reason why some guys wanna do the blow and go thing because they don’t need the extra intimacy that kissing and cuddling brings to the table; they just wanna get each other off and get in the wind, not because of some imagined, irrational fear of bisexuality but just because that’s exactly what the doctor ordered for that moment…

 
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Posted by on 23 March 2018 in Today's Bisexual Thoughts

 

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Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: Biphobia… Real or Imagined?

I was just reading something another WordPress blogger wrote about biphobia and one of the things I’ve noticed about this – and since I’ve been bisexual for a very long time now – is that this biphobic rhetoric resembles the same bullshit that was being said about homosexuals and almost verbatim except they’ve added the “fact” that being bisexual is just a stopping off point on the route of being homosexual.

What I know – and what the folks who are freaking out about this trash talking don’t know – is that this “phobia” has always been around and all they’ve done is change the target of their ire and, again, I have the advantage of having already heard of all this shit before, from “you’re just going through a phase” to “you’re really gay – so why don’t you just admit it” so I know that what’s really going on isn’t the fact that I might be in denial about my sexuality:  It’s that they’re in denial about the real fact that despite what they’ve been told, what they believe, or what they think, yes, there are people who aren’t straight or gay.

That bisexuals get upset about this is actually understandable because no one likes to be called something that they know they aren’t.  I seem to remember getting into a discussion about this with someone some time ago and they were insisting that not only is biphobia real but I should be seriously concerned about it and society’s attempts to erase bisexuals; I recall giving them a “LMAO” and saying that I don’t understand why I should be all that worried about something that cannot be done and, being a student of history, if society tried to erase homosexuals and that didn’t work, how can they even think and/or believe that mere words are going to erase bisexuals?  They came back and said that because I wasn’t buying into this “threat,” I was adding to the problems of biphobia and bi-erasure… but when I asked them to explain this, they declined to do so.

But, you see, I was talking to someone who didn’t know that this “phobia” and “erasure” shit has been around for centuries – it’s not a new thing; they just took the rhetoric that pertained to homosexuals and applied it to bisexuals so while many people see this as being new, to me – and other bisexuals from my era – this is the same old shit wrapped in a different package.  Still, it comes down to the matter of what you, the bisexual, is going to believe:  What you know about yourself… or something that’s basically someone’s opinion on something that they don’t know a damned thing about?  And then one must consider the source of this which, as far as I’ve been able to investigate, is coming from gay folks more than straight folks – and, yes, there are straight folks who believe that people should only be straight (because the bible says so) or they should be either straight or gay.

People say this and there are bisexuals all over the world saying, “Really?”  This is a case of just because you think/believe this is true doesn’t mean that it is true, like an ongoing theme I’ve been seeing that says that straight men are in denial about their homosexual desires… and this theme is being pushed by homosexual men who seem to have the hots for straight men for some reason I’ve not seen them really explain.  What seems to be going on with this particular thing is that they’re taking a bit of scientific fact – some straight men do think about playing with a dick, even if they don’t do it consistently or as a matter of course – and then putting a huge spin on it and, get this, some gay men are telling straight men the same thing they say to bisexual men, i.e., you should stop being a fake and admit that you’re really gay like we are.

Once upon a time, humans thought that the world was flat and if you sailed too close to the edge, you were gonna fall off; once upon a time, humans believed that the Earth was the center of the solar system and everything else revolved around it.  There’s a lot of shit that we used to believe that we no longer believe, right?  Except when it comes to sexuality and it’s totally fucking insane to keep believing that homosexuals and bisexuals don’t exist when they’ve always existed.  I know that some keep believing this because they want to believe it and for their own peace of mind, they have to believe it; otherwise, they face the very daunting task of completely revising their view of the world to include the fact that there are, indeed, men and women who enjoying having sex with other men and women.  There are those who believe that bisexuals do exist (yay!) but it’s conditional:  It’s men or women because accepting that it’s men and women is just wrong, being greedy – you know what’s being said.

The bottom line, like it or not, is that this crap is opinion, not fact.  I’ve had this conversation with a whole lot of people over a great many years and it’s just funny to see how they react when you tell them that sexuality isn’t static and that people do, in fact, change their minds about their sexuality and for whatever reason makes sense to them.  They’ll say, “I don’t know why anyone would want to make such a change…” and even when I’ve explain the many reasons why people would do just that, something curious happens:  They agree that what I’ve told them does make sense… but they still don’t believe it.  For instance, I was talking to Cityman about this one day and he was telling me that a gay friend of his was giving him a load of shit about being bisexual and that he should pick a side and stay there and he didn’t see the attraction of having sex with women.  Cityman told him, basically, if you really wanna know, go have sex with a woman and the gay man almost had a stroke and insisted that he could never change his mind about his sexual preference.

But that’s a lie; sure, we’re expected to pick a side… but who says you can’t change your mind if you have a reason to?  Cityman told this gay man about another gay man he knows who has sex with women on occasion… and Cityman was told that this was impossible and I know the only reason why the guy said this is that he believes it’s impossible.  Lesbians have been known to actually have sex with men, even if for the purpose of getting pregnant, given that the costs of IVF can be pretty damned expensive and these women who want to be mothers are usually branded as traitors to the lesbian cause… because it’s believed that a woman who loves women would never, ever, have a reason to want to be screwed by a guy.

So when you take in all of this (and a lot more), it’s easier to refute bisexuality than it is to accept the fact that there are bisexuals and that all of the shit being said against bisexuals is, at best, stereotypical claptrap and, again, a matter of opinion more than true facts.  I always tell the people who run around spreading biphobia that if you really wanna know what this is about, ask a bisexual… and many just won’t do that because it would invalidate everything they believe about this.  I mean, seriously, do you really believe that if you masturbate, you’re gonna go blind?  If you don’t believe this, um, why you would you believe that there’s no such animal as a bisexual human being?  And then there’s this:

If bisexuals don’t really exist and all that shit, um, what are y’all pitching a bitch about?  Think about this one for a moment…

 
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Posted by on 13 August 2017 in Today's Bisexual Thoughts

 

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Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: Another Meaning for Biphobia?

I was just sitting here, after doing some maintenance on my computer, thinking about the guys on the bi forum and kinda categorizing the things I see them writing about that prevents many of them from taking that initial plunge or, in some cases, returning to the deep end of the pool and are now standing on the pool deck, hesitant about jumping back in after a long absence.  As I thought about all of the reasons they give, I wondered if I was looking at a different form of biphobia, a word that’s now associated with those folks who are afraid of bisexuality/bisexuals?

One of the questions I ask myself as I read the many posts is what’s really stopping these guys from actually doing all of the stuff they say they wanna do?  Another one is, “Are the things they say are keeping them out of the pool really things that cannot be resolved in some way?”  What I realized is that many of them are afraid and while a phobia is defined as an irrational fear of something, the things they’re afraid of aren’t exactly what I’d call irrational and that those things are pretty damned consistent, i.e., the fears these men give voice to today are the same fears I’ve heard other men cite decades ago.  Lemme see if I can kinda/sorta list some of them…

They might be really gay.

They might catch something nasty.

They might get outed.

They might lose friends.

They might lose a girlfriend or a wife.

They might go straight to hell because they’ve broken faith with whatever religious beliefs they have.

They fear being rejected by other men, bi or gay.

They fear not being able to find someone to have sex with.

They fear casual sex.

They fear emotional attachment to other men.

They fear discovering that they might not like that which they want to do.

Some fear that they will like it more than they expect to.

There are probably more that I can’t remember right at this moment but, as I said, while they’re not irrational in a phobic kind of way, they are pretty consistent across time, i.e., I heard these same things from other guys way back in the 1970s and, forty-seven years later, I’m still seeing/hearing these things as reasons why these guys want to leap into the pool… but don’t.  They join the forum, not only looking for answers to the many questions they have but to be assured that, one, they’re not alone in what they’re thinking and feeling and, two, to have their fears addressed and, if possible, mitigated, eliminated, dispelled, whatever.  It’s not as if the experienced forum members fail to address their many concerns and accurately so but, at the end of the day, it’s up to the man asking the questions (or stating his fears) to decide whether or not he’s gotten the information he needs to dive on in and realize his desires.

It’s probably just me, but I find it… curious that a guy will post something about why he wants to suck cock so badly, explain whatever it is that scares the shit out of him about doing it and then have maybe fifty guys give him information that would allay his fears… but the guy still decides to stay out of the waters of the deep end.  Are they indecisive?  Do they have reason to believe that all of the guys telling him the deal about sucking cock are, in fact, wrong?  Are their fears actually a lot stronger than their desire?

The other rather consistent thing I see taking place is how logic doesn’t fare well against emotional issues.  I’ve seen guys share their fears, have seen the membership address them, and have seen the author come back and say that he understands all that has been explained to him and that his questions have been answered, his concerns properly addressed… but a few will come back and reiterate those same concerns and looking for even more answers when, in most cases, there isn’t any more information to give.  I’ve sat read this stuff happening and ask myself a question:  If fifty guys shared with me their initial experiences with sucking a dick and laid a lot of good and accurate knowledge on me about it – and I have no reason to disbelieve or doubt what I’ve been told, why haven’t I given it a go yet?

Well, the answer has something to do with their fear of not being able to find someone they can “lose their cherry” to; I’ve seen guys thank the membership for the good advice received and then become their own worst enemy by being very exacting and precise about that first dick they want to taste (or having in their butt) and, on the surface, it doesn’t appear to be related to fear – it looks merely like preference but when you take a big step back and look at this, what you see are a bunch of guys setting a conditional environment that will make sure that they never have that first experience because the type of guy “preferred” can’t be located anywhere on the planet (according to them).

It’s not that I blame or find fault in these guys for being afraid of whatever’s scaring them because I know this is some really scary shit to begin with… I just find it curious and a bit puzzling that when you have so many people doing their level best of allaying your fears, you’re still afraid just the same.  Yes, it’s a life-changing decision and one that can impact one’s life if they do whatever they wanna do… and if they don’t do it so, yeah, making that decision to go/no go is pretty damned important and one to not be taken lightly.

Now, some guys on the forum have gone on to set their fears aside and dive right on in and they’ve come back to share that they’ve taken the plunge and to say something along the lines of, “I really don’t know what I was afraid of – I should have done this a long time ago!”

Is it really possible for a budding bisexual to have an irrational fear of becoming that which they want to be?  Kinda looks like it, huh?

 
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Posted by on 3 June 2017 in Today's Bisexual Thoughts

 

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Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: Get a Grip

I read this posting by mickcase – https://bithebiblog.wordpress.com/2017/05/11/do-gay-people-believe-in-bisexuality/ – and my first thought was that it just does not ever fail to baffle me to see today’s bisexuals being bothered by something I heard and experienced decades ago, that there are still some homosexual men out there who steadfastly refuse to believe that bisexual men exist and that we’re the ones who are in denial about our “true gayness…” when, duh, it seems to be pretty damned obvious that if anyone’s in denial about something, it’s not bisexual men.

I can’t even begin to recall the number of the times I’ve heard the “you’re really gay” speech from gay men; likewise, I can’t recall the number of times some gay dude trying to get in my case about being bisexual and hurling the usual epitaphs at me about being confused, etc..  Yes, way back in the day – like back in the 1970s – I’d get pretty bent out of shape over this shit until I eventually learned not to let it bother me; not only are people entitled to their opinion (for what that’s worth), if they couldn’t accept or believe I was bisexual, that’s not my problem and they weren’t gonna make it my problem.

Classic example:  Met a gay dude online and we talked about a lot of stuff including the fact that I was bisexual; he said he was cool with that and could we hook up at some point?  I said that we could… but I didn’t believe he was as cool about it as he said but, hey, you’re innocent until proven otherwise, right?  We hook up and it was off the chain and to the point where there were moments I had to resist the urge to start laughing over the way he was behaving as I sucked his dick – believe me, it was rather demonstrative.  I guess about a week later or maybe longer, we hooked up again and it was pretty much more of the same from him – lots of hollering and cursing, begging and pleading, etc., and when the dust settled, he looked at me and said that I was a great lover and that I should stop wasting my time having sex with women and become a fully gay man.

Not that I never heard this one before and I gave him my usual but honest answer:  “Why would I want to do that?”

He went right off the deep end – and I expected him to and he didn’t disappoint me as he went on and on about how despicable bisexual men were, that we were all traitors to the gay cause – oh, man, it was epic and I’ll admit that I didn’t make the situation any better when I started laughing, not as much over what he was saying but over how animated he was, stomping around all over the place, calling me all kinds of rotten motherfuckers and as he did so, I was thinking that he should be really glad he wasn’t talking to a younger version of myself – the version who would have kicked his ass over such things.

Here’s the facts that some homosexual men can’t or won’t accept:  Bisexual men are legion; there are so many of us that no one can think of an effective way to find out exactly how many men are bisexual.  It just really amazes me how and why there are gay men today who are of the same mindset as gay men I ran into back in the 1970s and their ongoing insistent that we – bi men – should just stop lying to ourselves and admit to one and all that we’re really gay.  I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about why some gay men behave like this and a lot of it has to do with the odd phenomenon that what we believe is always right even though factual evidence says that they aren’t.  Some of it is pure human nature:  If you’re not like us, you are against us – the fear of the other.  Some of it, believe it or not, is rooted in the tenets of monogamy and the thing that if “George” wants to be with “Jeff” – who is a gay man – George has to give up that which make him the person he is in order to conform to Jeff’s view of things or, plainly, George has to give up being bisexual and become homosexual.  This isn’t to say that some men haven’t done just that but, um, really, most bisexual men aren’t gonna stop being bisexual just because his gay lover would be very happy if he did so.

It’s a crazy way to behave and since this is a behavior I’ve seen way too many times, it tells a very sad story about how after all the decades I’ve been exposed to this, we continue to let dogmatic thinking override logic and fact.  Yes, there have always been bisexual men; yes, legions of us are quite happy being bisexual; no, homosexuality isn’t the only way to go about things and, frankly, if you’re homosexual and still believe that bisexuals are really homosexuals in disguise, well, you’re just totally clueless and way beyond being merely naive about stuff.

And, as I pointed out to that gay dude I had hooked up with, um, you didn’t think my being bisexual was all that bad when I had you begging for mercy and asking God, Jesus, and your mother to save your horny ass, did you?  He even had the nerve to give me an ultimatum:  Give up women forever and be with him… or we could never have sex again.  I blinked, stifled a belly-busting laugh, and said, “Okay, I guess we won’t be doing this again, huh?”

I understand the mindset even though I continue to think that it’s such a fucked up way to behave and is a greater sense of abject denial than what bisexual men are being accused of.  If I tell you that I’m bisexual, what makes you want to believe that there’s no way I can really be bisexual and more so when I tell you that I’ve spent more time relating to women than I have men?  I mean, really… what part of “I like pussy and dick” didn’t you understand?  Okay, I get it – just because you’d prefer I’d be totally homosexual doesn’t negate the fact that I prefer not to be totally homosexual… but maybe you don’t seem to understand that if you choose to berate me for my choice, you’re not doing yourself any favors and you’re certainly not allow me to see you in anything that resembles a good light.  Oh,and by the way?  If you’re always looking for someone to be with – even just for sex – and it just ain’t happening for you as much as you’d like, it’s probably because the bisexual guys who might be interested in turning your ass out in bed don’t want to be bothered by someone who foolishly believes that bisexuals can’t and don’t exist.

Mickcase wrote that it upsets him that gay men have such a negative opinion of us and, yes, I strongly suggested that he not let this bother him because, sadly, there are still gay men who are damned negative about us and there’s nothing we can say or do that will ever change their minds.  I don’t have a problem with a guy being homosexual – it is what it is, right?  If he has a problem with the fact that I happen to love women and pussy, well, um, okay; this, too, is what it is but here’s the question I’ve yet to hear a gay man who this a problem for answer:  If I can accept that you are what you are, why can’t you accept that I am what I am?  Hmm?  And if you can’t, well, why not?  And if you cannot recognize that what you think, feel, or otherwise believe isn’t accurately reflecting the reality of things, er, um, which one of us has a problem?

I’m pretty sure it’s not me…

Thus endeth the mini-rant.

 
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Posted by on 11 May 2017 in Today's Bisexual Thoughts

 

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Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: That Phobia Thing

phobia (n):  an exaggerated usually inexplicable and illogical fear of a particular object, class of objects, or situation (definition courtesy of the iPad version of the Merriam-Webster Dictionary)

I was checking out my notifications on Twitter and one of the new tweets I missed overnight contained the words “biphobia” and “transphobia,” the latest sexuality-related fear being given voice to… and it made me wonder (and, as usual, not for the first time) if the people who throw these words around understand what a phobia is – hence the moment it took for me to tap the icon on my iPad for the dictionary and look it up so I could display it here.  Humans are funny (and like you needed me to remind you of this?) in that we consider ourselves to be both rational and civilized even though we’ve proven over our existence as a species that we can be anything but.

The question that popped into my head was, “Is biphobia really an inexplicable and illogical fear… or is this a fear that’s been taught to us thanks to social conditioning?”  It’s one thing to think/believe that bisexuality is morally wrong and this is what we’re taught… but to develop a phobia?  I don’t know if you guys are aware of this but phobias are some pretty serious things that tend to defy explanation, like how some people are afraid of clouds (nephophobia) and seeing them can cause panic attacks and other uncomfortable things.

Some fears are ingrained into us over our evolution, like arachnophobia (the fear of spiders) and ophidiophobia (the fear of snakes) and, well, both of these animals are not only creepy looking but some of them can kill the shit out of us and, at the least, make us sick, cause disfiguring damage, etc., so these two phobias kinda make sense, don’t they… for something that, by definition, is said to be an inexplicable and illogical fear.  Think about that one for a moment while I keep typing.

So what’s the fear invoked by bisexuals, homosexuals, and transgender?  The next and, I think, obvious question isn’t so much that these phobias exist but why they exist and it’s just a guess on my part but it’s probably because we’ve always had a fear of that which is different from us, better known as the fear of the other or, “If you aren’t like us, you’re against us.”  It begs a question:  Is this a true phobia… or just our natural tendency to be prejudiced against those who are not like us?  We know that religion has literally put the fear of God into us about being anything but heterosexual so we have been conditioned to fear homosexuals and it seems that this has been expanded to include everyone else who isn’t heterosexual… and while I haven’t looked it up, uh, is there such a thing as heterophobia?

Well, damn… apparently, there is!  From what I’m looking at (courtesy of http:/www.panphobia.com), “The term heterophobia is, perhaps, only less than two decades old – a much shorter period than its more familiar sibling, homophobia, which dates to 1958.”

Who knew?  Which again makes me wonder:  Is this a genuine, 100% for-real, by the book phobia… or is this just “mere” prejudice toward those who aren’t like us?

Cityman and I talk about this at times and we’ve opined that bisexuality can be perceived as a “threat” to the ways of life for both heterosexuals and homosexuals and, simply, because bisexuals take what we know – and what we’ve been taught – about sex and flushes it down the toilet… but is this a true phobia… or just another way for us to put our ability to be prejudiced on display?  Now…

I see some folks write about how biphobia has a negative effect on the lives of bisexuals and, well, I don’t see it… although, admittedly, I’m kinda sure no one would really wanna fuck with me about being bisexual and those who have found reason to regret it.  But, my point here is that if you don’t buy into this biphobia bullshit, how can it have a negative effect on you?  No, this isn’t a case of pretending it doesn’t exist; this is me coming to the conclusion of not worrying myself about something that most people don’t really understand and especially those people who, inexplicably and illogically, assume that bisexuals and homosexuals are one and the same… and we aren’t.  Or, like I said to a guy – and way, way before the word “biphobia” was coined, “If you don’t believe that I’m not homosexual, I can prove it to you; all you have to do is bring me your woman and watch what happens…”

Funny that he suddenly didn’t seem to require any proof…

So, perhaps one can conclude that biphobia – and the other sexuality-related phobias – is a real phobia albeit one that we’ve been taught to have?  Yes, I know:  There are many people who believe that having such phobias makes no sense at all, that all they do is to perpetuate our fear of that which isn’t like us, to keep drawing lines of division between us even though we are the same species.  But if it made sense, um, would it really be a phobia as defined?  I’ll leave that up to y’all to figure out…

PS:  If you’ve ever wonder why I often say that our fears make us foolish, maybe this scribbling will serve to illustrate why I say this.

 
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Posted by on 20 April 2017 in Today's Bisexual Thoughts

 

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