Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: Sorry, Not Sorry

I was taught and raised to be mindful of how other people feel. that it just wasn’t right to hurt their feelings. It was a sentiment that, on the one hand, made sense but on the other, not one that ‘everyone’ held true and dear and would often cause a bit of a quandary at times when someone would hurt my feelings and be unapologetic about it like them finding out that I wasn’t straight and, not only that, but I went both ways.

Homophobia was really bad back in the day; bisexuality wasn’t that big of a deal, not because it wasn’t real but polite society had all of their attention focused upon homosexuals and I’d have to say and allow that people were pretty stupid back then – and just as they are today – because they didn’t know, understand, or even care that homosexuality and bisexuality were – are – two different things.

It was bad enough to wind up losing friends and other associates but the thing that began to pluck my last good nerve was those folks who were so offended by my sexuality that they felt that I owed them an apology for upsetting their sensibilities… and, like a dummy, I’d apologize for hurting their feelings but over time, got it into my head that I owed them no apology because when they’d hurt my feelings, no apology for that affront would be forthcoming.

I think I was either 16 or 17 when I decided that I wasn’t apologizing anymore. Sure, I’m sorry you feel that way but I’m not apologizing for being what I am so if you don’t like it, you just don’t like it. There was a period of time when I’d have these conversations with people and to say they weren’t pretty is yet another gross understatement. They’d ask if I felt bad about having sex with males and if I didn’t, I should feel horribly bad… for not being the way they thought I was or should be; I’d tell them that as far as I was concerned, I didn’t see a reason to feel badly about something that I not only wanted to do but liked doing and, yep, if they weren’t upset before, that statement would really make them feel some kind of way.

One guy said – and with much anger in his voice – that he didn’t understand why I’d want to be a homo when there were so many women ready and willing to have sex… and I upset his feelings even more when I said, “You’re stupid, aren’t you? I’m not a homo – I’m bisexual. Men and women and not just men and not just women.”

Yep, that didn’t sit well with him and caused him to say, “If you have sex with dudes, you’re a faggot!”

I said, “Yeah… and you’re still an idiot; didn’t you hear what I just said about men and women? Look, clearly your feelings are hurt and all that but before we got to talking about this, we were cool… and the thing you don’t seem to understand yet is that I’m still the same person and the only thing that’s changed in the last few minutes is that you now know something about me that you didn’t know ten minutes ago. And now you’re all hurt and offended and over something that doesn’t have a damned thing to do with you.”

“You don’t care that my feelings are hurt,” he said.

:You didn’t care about my feelings when you were saying all that awful shit you just said to me, did you?” I fired back. “If you don’t give a fuck, I don’t see why I should give a fuck.”

I was taught and raised to treat people the way you wanted to be treated; the more, um, religiously fervent folks would always talk about turning the other cheek… but in the real of things? You turn the other cheek… and get that one bitch-slapped, too; you learn, whether you like it or not, to take “Do unto others as they would do unto you” to an ‘extreme’ place; you get your feelings hurt because I’m not what you think I am or should be and give me some shit about it, don’t be surprised when I give that shit right back to you. I’m sorry if your feelings are hurt… but not really and, besides, you started this argument… and if you get even more pissed off at how I finish it, well, you started it.

I had found myself saying something like this to someone else and they were livid and so much that while they ranted and raved, I was quietly preparing to defend myself; I didn’t always wind up in a physical altercation but, yeah, sometimes, I did and I’m quite unapologetic when I say that maybe you should have rethought taking a swing at someone who is well-trained in the martial arts – just saying. They had said, “You just don’t give a fuck about the way this makes me feel, do you?”

“Why should I? Did you give a fuck about how you made me feel with what you said?” I asked.

“I can say whatever the fuck I wanna say!” came the response.

“True enough… but if you thought I was just gonna stand here and take that shit, well, surprise, huh?” I asked. “Before we got into this bullshit, we were cool and now we aren’t and all because you don’t like the way I like to have sex so, no – you don’t get to tell me shit about that – no one does; if you don’t like it, all you can do is not like it.”

I was told that this was some cold-blooded shit… and, frankly, Scarlett, I don’t give a damn. I didn’t give a damn way back then… an I don’t give a damn in the here and now. If/when someone gets their feelings and/or sensibilities hurt because I’m bisexual, I am sorry that they feel the way they do… and not so much. I’m sorry that you’re shocked, hurt, or whatever when you ask me if I feel any shame over sleeping with men and I tell you that, nope – I sure don’t and why should I? I’m sorry that you get even more shocked when you start preaching that Old Testament bullshit to me and like I didn’t know it already… and not in the least bit sorry when I tell you that it’s not my fault that you believe in some shit that ain’t as true as you think it is.

Biphobia… what a crock of shit and an even bigger one that homophobia was and is. Having that irrational fear over something that, ten out of ten times, doesn’t have a damned thing to do with you and if you think it does, well, get over yourself. I believe that people believe biphobia is a real thing but, um, if you think that bisexuality isn’t a real thing, how does having biphobia work when you’re being phobic over something you think isn’t real? Then you get all fucked up in the head because you just found out that, oh, no – bisexuality is real and now you’re afraid that every fucking bisexual in the whole fucking world is now looking to seduce you and have much carnal knowledge of you…

Get over yourself; you’re probably not that interesting or appealing. One of the reasons the whole coming out thing winds up hurting people’s feelings and makes them fearful is that once you tell them, figure it out, or ask a question they learn that they really didn’t want to hear the answer to, they think it’s about them and you’re gonna try to jump their bones. Oooh… those scary bisexuals are out to get you! I find it to be… upsetting to sit back and watch biphobia running rampant in folks… and it seems to be more contagious than COVID-19 is. COVID-19 is some very real shit and so is bisexuality… but if you get your panties in a bunch and get to feeling some kind of way about it, well, I’m sorry you feel that way… and not even really sorry that you’re very upset about something that you don’t understand.

I’m sorry but I’m not gonna feel all that sorry just because you feel some kind of way and to the point where you don’t even know the difference between homo- and bisexuality… and if I explain it to you and you’re still all hurt and dismayed, yeah, I’m sorry that you’re feeling like that but, yeah, not all that sorry; I’m just not really going to apologize for being something that bothers you because, to be honest, there’s nothing I can do about the way I am and, important to me, nothing that I’m going to do just to make you feel all warm and fuzzy… and more so when making you feel good is very likely to make me not feel good.

The thing that I’m really and truly sorry about is that there’s nothing I can do or say about what you believe. I know that in your mind, you know and think that you’re right… and I know that you aren’t since I also know that the stuff you might say to me is going to be just a different version of the shit I’ve been hearing all along. Some of it barely based in fact, much of it not all that factual and, sadly, it’s clear that you don’t get it because you’re giving me shit about being bisexual and only looking at the part where I’m getting busy with other men or, if you’re trying to look at both sides, you’re looking at the heterosexual side of me in a way that’s not as accurate as you believe it is.

I just find it hard to be apologetic or sorry because the world doesn’t work the way you think it should when it comes to these things. Now, I’m not insensitive nor do I lack compassion but when you get in my face about it and go off the rails, well, there’s only so much of the dumb shit I’m going to politely listen to so when you get to the part where your feelings are hurt because I’m something you don’t believe in, damn you… if you think your feelings are hurt now, you’re about to find out how badly you’ve hurt my feelings and I’m sure you’re not gonna like it… and no more than I liked what you said to me.

When you’re bisexual, you learn to grow your skin extra-thick; you learn that there are times when you have to deal with passionate cluelessness with cold-blooded responses; it goes against what I was taught and I don’t like having to step off in someone’s ass over their bi- or homophobia but if I have to, I’m not going to be all that sorry about it. I dislike conflict and arguing and I dislike people who aren’t like me trying to tell me how they think I should be or going on and on like they know more about being bisexual than I do. It really does kinda hurt my feelings (nah, not really) to see, watch, or listen to people putting their ignorance on display and, again. over something that they don’t understand and because they continue to believe in something that just isn’t as true as it’s said to be.

Sorry, not sorry. When I actually hear people ranting and raving against bisexuality, it really does hurt my feelings but there are many times when I’m quite amused… because they have no idea that they’re ranting and raving over male bisexuality… and I’m one of the people they’re ranting and raving about… and they have no idea that I am. I have learned to not feel sorry or apologetic for someone else’s cluelessness and if there’s any shame to be felt on my part, it’s that it shames me that you actually believe that crap that’s coming out of your mouth. I kinda/sorta hate to tell folks a truth that just might hurt their feelings even more:

What you believe and what you think you know is never, ever, going to change what I am and if that makes you even more upset, I might even say that I’m so sorry that you are… and very likely that I don’t mean a word of it but, yeah, sometimes I do, depending on who I’m talking to… but being genuinely sorry about upsetting you still isn’t going to change the way I am. I could… but I don’t want to and it doesn’t make a lot of sense to me to not be the way I am because it upsets you. I know that no matter what I say in defense of myself, it’s not going to change the way you feel because you will keep thinking that you’re right about this because this is something you don’t believe in and probably believe that no one should be the way I am.

Not my problem… and you’d do well to not make it my problem. In my older age, I find myself being… less polite about it. Sure, we can talk about it all you want to but the moment you make it personal? When you start telling me how you’re feeling some kind of way about my being bisexual? I’m going to be sorry – and not so much – about how I’m going to respond to that… and I will guarantee that you’re not going to like it. You feel hurt, betrayed, whatever, and you saw fit to say something to me about it and not only make it all about you but, yeah – hurting my feelings in the process… and I don’t believe in turning the other cheeks. At best, we can agree to disagree on the matter and if we part company, then it is what it is and, how about that? I just might feel sorry that things came to this point but there is a reason I tell people to never, ever, ask me questions that they don’t want to hear the answers to. If it upsets you that I suck dick and the other things two guys can do to, for, and with each other, yeah, sorry about that… but not sorry.

I just might be sorry that you can’t understand why I am the way I am but, again, in my older age – or, perhaps a bit more accurately – for a very long time now, I finding myself not caring if you don’t understand it. The really fucked up part is that before all of this came out, we were cool or otherwise okay with each other… but now you know this about me and, at least for you, it changes everything… and I’m the one who will, if I choose to, take you to task about how silly you’re being about it and even more so when, if you happen to be a dude, you have it in your head that I want to have sex with you. Again, don’t flatter yourself; if that was the case, I would have asked you if I could get some of that dick since I have no shame in my game at all.

Ladies? Okay, I’m not what you think I am or should be – nothing I can do about that. It’s not that I don’t understand why my being bisexual is upsetting you but, I hate to tell you that what I am has nothing to do with you. I know I can talk about why I am the way I am until I wear myself out and despite explaining it the best and simplest way I can manage it, chances are good that you are going to remain so very upset about how unfair and fucked up it makes you feel and I am sorry you feel that way… and not so much. If I explain that, for one, I’ve always been this way and that my being this way didn’t have shit to do with how I feel about you – and especially if we’ve been having sex – and you ain’t feeling any of it, yeah, I’m not gonna be all that sorry. If you think my being bisexual has anything to do with you, shit – I can’t feel sorry for you about your inability to take what I’ve said as the gospel truth of how I feel. I’m not going to feel all that sorry to listen to you losing your mind over the fact that I suck dick and I tell you that I suck dick for a lot of the reasons why you suck dick – and your emotional state isn’t going to allow you to see or accept that we have a lot more in common than you think we do and more so when, yep – I also know what it’s like to be fucked.

Sorry that you can’t understand it and that it’s fucking with you… and not all that much because I know – even if you don’t – that there’s not one damned thing I can do about what you – or anyone else – believes. You have an irrational fear of bisexuals and bisexual males specifically? I get it and I really do… and I’m not all that sorry that you don’t get it; I’m sorry that you can’t see what I’m seeing, that, again, we were all nice and cool with each other – before you found this out about me – and now we aren’t and I can be sorry that you can’t look at this the way I’ve learned to look at it…

And not all that sorry. If you’re feelings are hurt, well, you hurt the shit out of my feelings and if you’re not sorry that you hurt my feelings, do you really believe that I’m going to be sorry for hurting yours and more so when I know – and even if you still don’t -that things didn’t have to happen like that but, yep, you went there and I’m not going to let you spaz out on me in any old way you feel like and not do some spazzing of my own; I’m too old for that shit; I’m not turning the other cheeks; if you start some shit with me about the way I am, I will finish it and won’t feel sorry about having to do it.

I prefer not to be in this fucked up situation to begin with but I’m not going to be sorry or ashamed or apologetic for being what I am and what I’ve always been. Biphobia? Oh, please, do me a favor and not insult my intelligence – and that goes for those folks who believe that if you don’t recognize biphobia as a clear and present danger to all bisexuals, you’re part of the problem and not being part of the solution. Truth is, I feel sorry that you actually believe that biphobia is a problem since I know – and, again even if you don’t – that this, along with homophobia, has never stopped anyone from being bisexual. And it never will. I dunno… maybe it’s just me but the way to combat biphobia is to not buy into it and, most assuredly, do not believe what biphobics are saying since, um, if you’re bisexual, do you not already know that what they’re having hissy fits about isn’t true?

And this, all by itself, is the one thing I do feel sorry about: Bisexuals believing what other people are saying about bisexuality not being real and that we’re really gay and in denial along with bisexuals being an existential threat to all of humanity. Are you really and seriously fucking kidding me? There are a slew of bisexuality advocates going to war against the non-believers and it’s a very sad and sorry thing to see to be arguing over something that we, as bisexuals, know to be true and trying to convince those who believe otherwise that we are the real deal. We know that we are… do we have to prove it? I’m sorry that so many of us feel that we have to but for myself? Not sorry at all. Let me get this straight: I’m supposed to be afraid of something that someone else is afraid of… and when I’m the thing they’re afraid of? Not only bisexual but a man, to boot?

I am never, ever gonna be sorry about not paying any attention to this nonsense. If you don’t like that I’m bisexual and it makes you feel some kind of way and not in a good way, yeah, that’s pretty sucky… but I’m sorry but not sorry about that.

 

Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: The Schism Widens

The other day and while perusing items with the “bisexuality” tag, I came across one written by a woman who, in her words, picked up on the cues on how to spot a bisexual man so he can be avoided at all costs. I read what she wrote… and I started laughing because she’s so far off-base with her cues and more so when I, as a bisexual man, don’t come close to any of them.

Neither do a lot of other bi guys. One of the things about biphobia has been warning women who are on the hunt for a man to stay away from “those down-low brothers” because they’ll just do you wrong and give you all kinds of nasty shit that you don’t want to deal with. The bad news is that there are bi guys who do fit that description… but that same description also applies to many straight men as well.

I don’t know what makes her think she can look at a guy and tell whether he’s bisexual or not; maybe she’s run into some dudes who have presented the cues she mentioned, like they’ve never been married and/or they don’t have any children even though the guy may be in his 50s.

Really? Being serious about two or more women in their life means they’re bi? Say what?

Okay… I get it and it’s yet another one of those perception versus the truth things I tend to go on about at times. There’s been a big enough wedge driven between men and women over our existence as a species… and male bisexuality is being used to drive that wedge even deeper and one, if they cared to, should wonder why this makes any sense.

I have, in my life to date, heard just about every bad thing that can be said about bisexual men and the sad part about this is that some of that stuff is true… but does it mean that all bisexual men are bad guys? Yeah, it does and in the minds of many and some of those minds are female.

I find it disturbing that biphobia has found a way to drive that wedge deeper between men and women – but I’m not surprised by it. A lot of women are scared shitless to discover that the guy they’re in love with is bisexual and now every bad case scenario they can think of just now gonna be true when, um, it might not ever be true.

And all because somewhere along the line, some bi guy fucked everything up for all bi men. It is to note, however, that there are still a whole lot of people who firmly believe that bisexual women are the holy grail – but that double standard has been with us for a damned long time, hasn’t it? While there are those who very much dislike bisexual women – and some of the bi gal haters are lesbian – the “main reason” is because we have this notion of what it means to be male or female and how this is all supposed to work when the truth is it has never really worked like that and the proof is that we’re still, as a whole, bitching a bitch about how much reality is doing to poke holes in that which is supposed to be.

At first, I wasn’t going to comment on that woman’s blog… but I did because, um, someone has to let her – and other women know – that what they believe ain’t the whole truth of things. The thing is that once someone gets it into their head that a bi guy is the worst creature ever born, getting them to change their viewpoint is damned near impossible.

I even pointed out something to her, that being, chances are good that a bi guy has more in common with women than a straight guy does given how a lot of us find out some of the same things women do about men… and, yeah, a lot of the things women can’t stand about men. Do women see this? Not so much; all they see is a guy who “isn’t going to be all about them” and in whatever way that means and the perception that bi guys are more about guys than gals.

And some are… and way too many are still more about women than they are about men. Indeed, there are bi guys who don’t even like other guys in the same way they’re crazy about those very insane women. Yes – they like the sex… and provided they’re even having any of it but many bi guys are of a mind that when it comes to love and that deeper sense of intimacy, only a woman will fit that bill to their satisfaction.

The woman who authored the post said something about bi guys only interacting with other people via social media because it hides the truth of what they really are… and my eyes rolled so hard they filed a complaint against me. One thing one learns about social media is that what you see might not be real and it stands to reason that there are some folks who use social media just to fuck with other people… because it’s their idea of fun and they have nothing better to do with their time.

Doesn’t mean that a guy who is deep into social media is bisexual… but she seems to think this is an indicator. I pointed out to her that not only have I been bisexual damned near all of my life, I’ve made it my mission in life to understand male bisexuality… and even I can’t tell a bi guy from a straight one. Indeed, one of the many complaints I read about on the forum is the utter inability to figure out if a guy is bi or not.

She wrote that it doesn’t make sense for a man not to be honest about what he is and I pointed out to her that the reason why a lot of men aren’t being honest about it is her reaction to bisexual men; it kinda doesn’t make a whole lot of sense to be honest about it with someone who will, upon hearing this, will shred you like lettuce and throw you away like you’re garbage… because they believe that you are just that.

Garbage. Unmanly. Incapable of tending to a woman’s needs and all that. Only being totally focused on her and nothing else. She, like so many women and people in general, thinks that bisexual means homosexual even though the majority of bisexual men are still more into women than they are guys.

She doesn’t know or isn’t aware of the fact that there are loads of bisexual men who are happily involved with women and that they’ve put their desire for men on the shelf so they can be with her and in every way that means. She doesn’t know or isn’t aware of the fact that there are a lot of married (or otherwise involved) bi guys who are horribly frustrated because they just will not cheat on their woman to get the dick they crave.

Now, bi guys today aren’t the same as they were when I was growing up. While a lot of guys grew up having to hide/suppress their bisexuality, a lot of men today are deciding not to hide or suppress it because they understand, if no one else cares to, how much doing this really fucks them up both mentally and physically… but because women have such a hatred for us, nope, not really of a mind to let girlfriend know about this.

And the fucked up part is still that thing where we, as men, are expected, demanded and required to accept women as-is and if you can’t, you’re dismissed… but to ask a woman to accept that a guy is bisexual – not gay, mind you – is serious out of the question and we’re some kind of idiots to expect women to treat us in the same as-is way that they demand that we do.

What she doesn’t know or might not be aware of is that there are a lot of women who are more comfortable with a bi guy than a straight one; I’ve seen some stuff written where some women are saying that a bi guy is the best kind of guy to be partnered with because the bi guy is more likely to be more open-minded, understanding, and easygoing about a lot of things. Bi guys aren’t likely to get all into that “Me Tarzan, you Jane” shit that women can’t stand about us in the majority of times.

Like I said to her in my comment, I’m not saying she’s wrong to think the way she does but she is misinformed – eh, she might not like that I said that but I don’t PC very well. I know some… shit that she doesn’t and I even know why she’s thinking the way she does; I know that she thinks she’s developed her school of thought all on her own… and she didn’t; her mindset really isn’t her own but a continuation of a prejudice we as a species has about anyone who isn’t exactly like us or doesn’t conform to the way things are supposed to be.

It’s not her fault, to be honest – a lot of women are just like her and sometimes without really understanding why they are. It’s easier to believe all of the bad shit being thrown around than it is to look at – and accept – the truth; it’s easier to lump all bi guys into one really messy pile of stinky shit than it is to look at the positives that do exist. I’ve heard it said that a lot of women are and feel threatened by bisexual men because their focus “isn’t totally on them” and some see us as competition for a man’s affection… and I’m of a mind that if we’re competing with women about anything, uh, um, it’s getting some dick to play with more than anything else but, sure, I can see how people confuse us with gay men.

What she doesn’t know or isn’t aware of is that there are gay men who like women a lot more than they’re willing to admit to and I mean not in a “we’re all just girls” kind of way – some gay men like pussy, too. They wouldn’t come out and say that they’re bisexual but, yeah, if they’re occasionally packing some woman’s stuff, they are more gay than bi as a matter of course…

But it’s always about perception, isn’t it? It’s the same thing that makes a guy suck a dick (or two or ten) and swear on a stack of holy items that he’s still straight. You know what I say: If this sounds insane to you, it’s because it really is. We see the world in the way we want to because it’s not easy to see it as it really is so is it really all that unusual for a straight woman to see men only in the way they want to see them?

No, it isn’t… but the truth is no one is really the way we want them to be and this woman, along with so many others, have reason not to like bisexual men because they’re not supposed to but they’re faced with a problem, that being, how does one identity a bi guy from a straight guy and more so when the majority of bi guys are more straight in their behaviors than they are gay?

If you wanna know, ask him and with the understanding that he’s probably not going to tell you because who likes getting tarred and feathered for being who and what they need to be in order to be okay with themselves? Most guys know – and because history tells us – that if we told the woman we love that we like guys, too, it’s game over and we’d prefer that the game doesn’t end, if it’s all the same to you. Sure, we like dick… but women do as well but instead of seeing this as a common ground, it becomes a bigger wedge between us. Just because a guy likes dick doesn’t mean that he’s not man enough to… be a man and in the sense that men are supposed to always be.

But the perception is this can’t be true… can it? Truth is a lot of bi guys are all male in everything they do… except, um, pounding the pussy ain’t the only sexual thing they enjoy.

My protege says that relationships between men and women would be so much better if women can accept and understand that we like dick like they do but we are still very much about them and in all their insane glory… because it makes sense to be crazy about those crazy women.

What this school of thought kinda suggests that if you’re bi and just being who you want to be, you’re about as wrong as anything can be – you’re supposed to be what other people want you to me or, “How dare you be yourself!”

We just stubbornly believe that being straight and involved with a bisexual is a bad thing… because we believe that it is and the truth is still very different… and summarily ignored. Again, we’d rather believe the hype more than anything else.

And now that wedge between men and women is being driven deeper and this is a very sad state of affairs and mostly because we’re made to believe that because of some bad apples, all bi guys are the most horrible creatures ever born. And that’s because we’re more about the way things are supposed to be than we are about the way things can be. There are both men and women who very much believe in the fairy tale of how things are supposed to be and, yes, it is a fairy tale and it doesn’t take much to see why it is. It’s an ideal kind of thing and one that we were told is the only way to be…

And that was never the truth of things. Never. Yet it’s still easier to believe the fairy tale than it is to accept the truth: This ain’t some pie in the sky, feel-good shit: This is real life shit. People are bisexual and bisexual people do get involved with people because they love them, feel great affection and desire for them but, yeah, when it comes to things like sex, the way it’s supposed to be ain’t the way it really is – it’s never been that way but we do keep believing that it’s not supposed to be.

And until we, collectively, can get our heads around this fact of life shit, there will be women like the one I’ve been writing about who will continue to believe that bi guys are the worst human beings ever born – because that’s exactly the way she’s supposed to be thinking and because she was made to think this way.

Not all bi guys are angels and all storybook perfect… but who among us really are? Some bi guys are assholes… and so are a lot of straight guys… and even gay guys. She doesn’t know this or she isn’t as aware of this as she should be but, yeah, sure, isn’t it easier for her to “hate” on bi guys and because she’s supposed to and more so when the guy who is more likely to fuck up her whole life is, in fact, straight and rabidly so?

 

Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: Biphobia

“I ignored the evidence of my own eyes and clung to dogma instead of adapting to new understanding.”

The above is a quote of a passage in a book written by Dr. Nathan Lowell entitled, “In Ashes Born” and, sorry, you’d have to read the book – actually a bunch of books – to understand what the main character in this book was talking about when he said it.

Why is biphobia a problem? Read the quote. It’s not that it’s really unknown that bisexuals exist but there are people who cannot adapt to a new understanding and they’d rather stick with what they think they know or otherwise believe and more so when that new understanding conflicts with their beliefs.

As I said way back when that NY Times article declared that bisexuality was real and that bisexuals were just as real, I remember saying, “Bullshit; I’m bisexual and I know I exist – duh!” Even witnessing the crap homosexuals had to endure, it was never said that they don’t exist – it was being said that their existence was an affront to “the natural order of things” and an abomination before God and, as such, one that had to be eradicated and by any means necessary.

That didn’t work because, um, plenty of gay folks going about their business every day… and with untold numbers of bisexuals along with them and bisexuals, who are very much aware of the angst against homosexuals, not of a mind to draw that kind of attention to themselves.

Why biphobia? Doesn’t make a lot of sense except those who are fostering this and making bisexuals believe it’s a real problem for us are being bothered by the fact that the world as they know and understand it ain’t the way shit really is. It’s no secret that some homosexuals have a great dislike for bisexuals… because we’re not exactly like them. Not that it’s wrong for them to believe that their way of life is all that and a bag of chips… but their failure, if you will, lies in sticking with their dogma and not adapting to or even accepting the fact that being gay – or even being straight – ain’t the only way to be in this life.

Cityman said it quite well when we were talking about this and he mentioned “the fear of the other” and a fear that’s made humans so divisive, given rise to all sorts of prejudices because if you’re not like us, you’re inferior and against us so you’re either gonna get dealt with or summarily ignored.

Or told, in this case, you’re not what you say you are and know yourself to be.

I allowed, in our discussion, that it’s quite possible that bisexuality and bisexuals upsets the accepted worldview – people are either straight or gay and there’s no middle ground… and despite the fact that, again, bisexuality ain’t exactly an unknown thing. It made me ask, “If this ain’t real, what are they fussing about?”

Maybe they don’t want it to be real because, again, it invalidates that which they’ve always believed, from sex to relationships which can be quite upsetting. But instead of accepting a new understanding, biphobics seem to not only hold onto dogma but also seems to want to dictate how bisexuality should go, which I find odd for something that supposedly doesn’t exist.

Go figure, huh? There’s some folks who are rallying against this and some are saying that by not acknowledging biphobia as being real, one is contributing to the problem. Maybe it’s just me but, um, where’s the sense in giving credence and validity to something that’s obviously untrue? I’m bisexual and have been for a long time and, duh, obviously, I do exist and, double duh, I happen to know other bisexuals.

Now, just because “bisexual” isn’t a part of the normal and daily lexicon – and like gay and lesbian have become – doesn’t change anything and, oddly, it’s all well and good that this changes nothing. So now another quote in another book by the same author: “Absence of evidence isn’t evidence of absence.”

A bit of a tongue twister and something that’ll make you think just trying to figure out what the hell this means. If a tree falls in a forest does it still make a noise if no one is there to hear it? Or the cat thing that says that the boxed kitty ain’t alive or dead until observed.

So, um, just because you don’t “see” a bisexual doesn’t mean that they don’t exist. Bisexual doesn’t mean gay… doesn’t mean straight either – kinda means both and the thing that amazes me – and then thing that I’ve not determined is a good or bad thing yet is the biphobic insistence that if bisexuality doesn’t resemble heteronormativity, then bisexuality is invalid.

What.

The.

Fuck.

A bi gal wrote on the “new” forum that because she’s in a relationship with another woman, everyone says she’s gay and it bothers her that no one wants to accept her bisexuality or the truth that she’s bisexual. Is she really being erased and dissed… or just another victim of the inherent prejudice we display when wrapped up in our fear of the other? Is she just a victim of those who cling to dogma and cannot adapt to new understandings?

And if I explain this bisexual thing about me and you still insist that I’m not what I say I am, which one of us has a problem? Or if you tell me that, as a bisexual, I should be, say, in a relationship with a guy and I tell you that, nope, not on my list of things to do – but it’s not impossible – and you maintain that I’m not bisexual, again, which one of us has a problem accepting this?

Can’t be me since, um, I know what am I and how I prefer to go about being the way I am… but biphobia insists that it is me who has the problem since I don’t conform to a non-bisexual view of how bisexuality should be.

If it really that is… but it’s like I asked: If it doesn’t exist, what’s all the ruckus about? Methinks “existence” isn’t the real issue; it’s that bisexuality doesn’t, as a matter of course, resemble either the heteronormative or homonormative dynamics – it’s a mash-up of both and not “equally balanced” as it’s been inferred it should be. And, oh, yeah, ain’t the homonormative dynamic very similar to the heteronormative one and where love,,sex and relationships are concerned? After all, that’s what they’ve been fighting and even dying for – the right to be treated just like everyone else is.

And some of “everyone else” contains bisexuals. Lots of bisexuals. From all walks of life. All over the planet. The truth? Bisexuality is real, bisexuals exist as each individual sees fit to in this regard.

Biphobia seems to be for those folks who can’t handle the truth or, as Mythbuster Adam Savage said, “I reject your reality and replace it with my own!” Makes me wonder – and not for the first time – who’s really in denial about some shit: Bisexuals or the people who think we don’t, can’t or shouldn’t exist.

 

Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: Internalized What?

I just gotta write about this.  See, there’s a guy on the bi guy forum (whose name I’m not gonna mention) who, at times, can be such a buzz-kill when a guy shares an experience and the way he does this is that whenever a guy talks about something that didn’t happen during an encounter, internalized biphobia is the real problem at work.  I don’t mean to disrespect the guy but I’m not sure he understands, first, what a phobia is – an irrational fear.  Now, if you know how phobias affect people – and whether their fear is irrational or very real to them – in most cases, having a phobia will prevent people from being involved with anything that might trigger that phobia.

So, without getting into any revealing details, a guy who is a self-professed bottom, did something he said he rarely does:  He topped a guy.  He shared that he had a good time doing it like that but his only “regret” was that the other guy wasn’t into kissing and cuddling; the sex got started, got finished, both men got dressed and went on about their business.  The buzz-killer comes along and comments that the kissing and cuddling didn’t happen as the OP wanted because of – wait for it – internalize biphobia on the part of the other guy.

You know, I can’t fathom why someone who feels they’re suffering from biphobia – and by its alleged definition is an irrational fear of bisexuality/bisexuals – would do the one thing that makes them want to soil themselves or give them endless nights of recurring nightmares.  Do some guys just wanna get right to it, have sex, bust a nut, and call it a day?  Of course they do… and even if it wouldn’t be a bad thing for some kissing and cuddling – before and after the fact – would work.  Do some guys want to do the “blow and go” because, for one, they lose their desire for sex after busting a nut or, for another thing, they feel some guilt after cumming so doing some after sex cuddling is gonna make them feel worse about what they just did?  Well, yeah; those two things are things that happen even when we don’t want them to or, perhaps naively, think they shouldn’t happen… doesn’t mean there’s anything that remotely resembles biphobia going on.  Is it true that some men believe that in some situations, kissing is much to intimate for them or feel that kissing and cuddling with a man is just “too gay” for them to do?  Yes, indeed it is and even as funny as that might sound.  Shit, it’s just as true that some guys know they’re lousy kissers so, um, let’s not do that and just get to the business at hand, okay?

I don’t doubt that there are people who believe themselves to be suffering from biphobia.  But if this phobia doesn’t seem to make any real sense, well, neither does a guy suffering from biphobia… but he wants to suck cock and all that jazz.  Now, they say that the best way to conquer a fear is to face it and it’s true that people with, ah, more established phobias do their level best to survive in an environment that also includes their phobia, like people who have a fear of thunderstorms; you can’t escape them so all these poor souls can do is their level best not to succumb to the fear.  But someone with biphobia can easily avoid their fear of this by not doing anything that will invoke that fear so, um, no – you don’t avoid a fear of bisexuality/bisexuals by getting naked with a guy and gleefully get your cookies crumbled.

I think Mr. Buzz-kill gets biphobia confused with feelings of guilt and, as mentioned, a lot of guys feel a great deal of guilt after the fact; the rules say that you should have not spent the last hour or so sucking each other’s dick…  didn’t stop the dicks from getting sucked, did it?  I think that Mr. Buzz-kill believes, like so many others, that sex is supposed to happen in a specific way or order; you kiss and cuddle before the fact as a part of foreplay, maybe do some kissing during sex and when it’s over and done with, there’s more kissing and cuddling that has to be done.  Or maybe that’s the way he likes to do things… doesn’t mean that everyone wants or needs to do it like this because sometimes, all you wanna do is get right to the business of getting laid… because that’s what best satisfies the need or that’s all you have time for.  Sometimes I get the impression that Mr. Buzz-kill believes that men should have sex with each other the same way we have sex with women.  Not saying that there’s anything wrong with that but, um, well, we know – or we should know – that women often need foreplay to get up to speed… but guys are already going at 100 mph before they even start to get undressed.  Still, fore- and after-play is a part of being intimate but what cracks me up is how many people who think that giving head and/or fucking aren’t just as – or even more – intimate than kissing is.

I know some guys will not suck cock or be fucked because it’s too gay for them, again, a really odd way of looking at it because that same guy doesn’t seem to have any qualms about letting a guy suck his dick or turning around and sinking his dick into the other guy’s ass, you know, like doing that is neither intimate nor gay.  Is the guy who refuses to do this stuff suffering from some kind of internalized biphobia?  I’d have to say no because, again, people who suffer from phobias will go out of their way to avoid that which they’re afraid of and at every chance they get to avoid it.  Okay… are there guys who feel that having sex with another guy is gonna turn them into flaming homosexuals?  Yep, there sure are and,yep, it’s why some guys are still sitting on the bench when, in their heart of hearts, they don’t wanna be benched.  Is it a phobia?  Sure, it’s a form of homophobia but the point here is that people who are homophobic, generally, do not do homophobic things.  Ever.  You can’t always avoid coming in contact with a homosexual because you can’t always tell whether someone is a homosexual but if it can be avoided, it will be avoided so, um, no – if “Pete” is homophobic, the chances that he’s gonna agree to exchange blow jobs with another guy are slim and none; he’d rather eat shit and die before he’d do that.

So if biphobia works along the same lines – and I don’t think it’s unreasonable to look at it like that, er, um, what fucking sense does it make for a guy with biphobia to want to be locked in a nice 69 with another guy or be poking each other in the butt?  Now, if this guy is, in fact, facing his fears in order to conquer them, that makes sense… but a lot of phobias are quite debilitating and inhibiting; I’ve seen ultra-macho guys freak the hell out because there’s a spider creeping across their path; I’ve seen those same kind of macho guys literally hurt themselves to get away from a mouse… or cats, or anything else they’re afraid of.  So guys with internalized biphobia getting down and dirty with another guy?  Maybe it’s just me, folks, but I just don’t see how that works.  Is it – or could it be true – that there are some folks who are irrationally afraid that they might just be bisexual?  I suppose… just like I suppose those folks aren’t having same sex encounters.

It bothers the shit out of me to see some of the shit that’s being said about bisexuality because a lot of it is very similar to what I’ve heard said about homosexuality so from my point of view, those folks who are dead-set against non-heteronormative behaviors are just changing targets; instead of their ire being directed at homosexuals,well, there’s always those damned bisexuals to pick on, right?  I find it kinda disturbing that there are folks who feel that, in this case, men should interact with other men and in the same way they’d interact with women and, indeed, there are some who firmly believe that bisexuality has to be an even playing field or, whatever you’d do with a woman, you should do the exact same things with a guy… except we – as men – don’t always want or need to have such involved sex; sometimes, what we want to do is have sex without all the “fussiness” – just whip it out, get it hard, make it soft again and it’s off to the next thing on our list of things to do.  Shit, even women at times don’t want to go through all the fussiness; just throw her down, get it in her, work it until nuts gets busted – and let’s get dressed and go on with things.  Like there’s something wrong with wanting a quickie every now and then…?

Whenever Mr. Buzz-kill starts this internalized biphobia stuff, I can’t help it – I gotta smack his fingers for not only bringing it up but for spoiling the joy guys feel when they’ve done something that they had fun doing – and even if all the “I’s” and “T’s” don’t get crossed as they may have preferred.  It doesn’t mean that because some guys ain’t into kissing and cuddling, they’re not bisexual… and it sure as hell doesn’t mean that they have some sense of biphobia going on in their head – that would be the head attached to their neck, by the way.  Yes, it is true that a guy will feel some guilt before the fact about getting ready – or even wanting – to do it with another guy… and most guys are able to ignore it because, um, they wanna have sex.  It is true that a guy will cum and no matter what he’s thinking, bleh, any further acts of intimacy just ain’t gonna happen; that refractory period after ejaculation is a motherfucker and a half and it seems to me that it’s during the onset of this that a lot of guys will get hammered by guilt… doesn’t change the fact that they did whatever they did and had fun doing it… just like it doesn’t change the fact that the next time they get a chance to do it, they’re gonna do it.

Internalized biphobia my left nut…  I’m not a fan of kissing and cuddling with guys and I can assure you that there’s nothing biphobic about me.  If a guy just wants to do the deed and get in the wind afterward, okay, that works because chances are that I’ve got other things that require my attention as well.  It’s not gonna hurt my feelings one bit if a guy says he’s not into kissing and cuddling and I’m not gonna think there’s anything wrong with that and I’m sure as hell not gonna start thinking that he’s suffering from an irrational fear.  I am well aware that there are bi guys who are concerned with the consequences of their actions and that being concerned about something isn’t the same as having a fear of something.  I’m also aware that one reason why some guys wanna do the blow and go thing because they don’t need the extra intimacy that kissing and cuddling brings to the table; they just wanna get each other off and get in the wind, not because of some imagined, irrational fear of bisexuality but just because that’s exactly what the doctor ordered for that moment…

 

Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: Biphobia… Real or Imagined?

I was just reading something another WordPress blogger wrote about biphobia and one of the things I’ve noticed about this – and since I’ve been bisexual for a very long time now – is that this biphobic rhetoric resembles the same bullshit that was being said about homosexuals and almost verbatim except they’ve added the “fact” that being bisexual is just a stopping off point on the route of being homosexual.

What I know – and what the folks who are freaking out about this trash talking don’t know – is that this “phobia” has always been around and all they’ve done is change the target of their ire and, again, I have the advantage of having already heard of all this shit before, from “you’re just going through a phase” to “you’re really gay – so why don’t you just admit it” so I know that what’s really going on isn’t the fact that I might be in denial about my sexuality:  It’s that they’re in denial about the real fact that despite what they’ve been told, what they believe, or what they think, yes, there are people who aren’t straight or gay.

That bisexuals get upset about this is actually understandable because no one likes to be called something that they know they aren’t.  I seem to remember getting into a discussion about this with someone some time ago and they were insisting that not only is biphobia real but I should be seriously concerned about it and society’s attempts to erase bisexuals; I recall giving them a “LMAO” and saying that I don’t understand why I should be all that worried about something that cannot be done and, being a student of history, if society tried to erase homosexuals and that didn’t work, how can they even think and/or believe that mere words are going to erase bisexuals?  They came back and said that because I wasn’t buying into this “threat,” I was adding to the problems of biphobia and bi-erasure… but when I asked them to explain this, they declined to do so.

But, you see, I was talking to someone who didn’t know that this “phobia” and “erasure” shit has been around for centuries – it’s not a new thing; they just took the rhetoric that pertained to homosexuals and applied it to bisexuals so while many people see this as being new, to me – and other bisexuals from my era – this is the same old shit wrapped in a different package.  Still, it comes down to the matter of what you, the bisexual, is going to believe:  What you know about yourself… or something that’s basically someone’s opinion on something that they don’t know a damned thing about?  And then one must consider the source of this which, as far as I’ve been able to investigate, is coming from gay folks more than straight folks – and, yes, there are straight folks who believe that people should only be straight (because the bible says so) or they should be either straight or gay.

People say this and there are bisexuals all over the world saying, “Really?”  This is a case of just because you think/believe this is true doesn’t mean that it is true, like an ongoing theme I’ve been seeing that says that straight men are in denial about their homosexual desires… and this theme is being pushed by homosexual men who seem to have the hots for straight men for some reason I’ve not seen them really explain.  What seems to be going on with this particular thing is that they’re taking a bit of scientific fact – some straight men do think about playing with a dick, even if they don’t do it consistently or as a matter of course – and then putting a huge spin on it and, get this, some gay men are telling straight men the same thing they say to bisexual men, i.e., you should stop being a fake and admit that you’re really gay like we are.

Once upon a time, humans thought that the world was flat and if you sailed too close to the edge, you were gonna fall off; once upon a time, humans believed that the Earth was the center of the solar system and everything else revolved around it.  There’s a lot of shit that we used to believe that we no longer believe, right?  Except when it comes to sexuality and it’s totally fucking insane to keep believing that homosexuals and bisexuals don’t exist when they’ve always existed.  I know that some keep believing this because they want to believe it and for their own peace of mind, they have to believe it; otherwise, they face the very daunting task of completely revising their view of the world to include the fact that there are, indeed, men and women who enjoying having sex with other men and women.  There are those who believe that bisexuals do exist (yay!) but it’s conditional:  It’s men or women because accepting that it’s men and women is just wrong, being greedy – you know what’s being said.

The bottom line, like it or not, is that this crap is opinion, not fact.  I’ve had this conversation with a whole lot of people over a great many years and it’s just funny to see how they react when you tell them that sexuality isn’t static and that people do, in fact, change their minds about their sexuality and for whatever reason makes sense to them.  They’ll say, “I don’t know why anyone would want to make such a change…” and even when I’ve explain the many reasons why people would do just that, something curious happens:  They agree that what I’ve told them does make sense… but they still don’t believe it.  For instance, I was talking to Cityman about this one day and he was telling me that a gay friend of his was giving him a load of shit about being bisexual and that he should pick a side and stay there and he didn’t see the attraction of having sex with women.  Cityman told him, basically, if you really wanna know, go have sex with a woman and the gay man almost had a stroke and insisted that he could never change his mind about his sexual preference.

But that’s a lie; sure, we’re expected to pick a side… but who says you can’t change your mind if you have a reason to?  Cityman told this gay man about another gay man he knows who has sex with women on occasion… and Cityman was told that this was impossible and I know the only reason why the guy said this is that he believes it’s impossible.  Lesbians have been known to actually have sex with men, even if for the purpose of getting pregnant, given that the costs of IVF can be pretty damned expensive and these women who want to be mothers are usually branded as traitors to the lesbian cause… because it’s believed that a woman who loves women would never, ever, have a reason to want to be screwed by a guy.

So when you take in all of this (and a lot more), it’s easier to refute bisexuality than it is to accept the fact that there are bisexuals and that all of the shit being said against bisexuals is, at best, stereotypical claptrap and, again, a matter of opinion more than true facts.  I always tell the people who run around spreading biphobia that if you really wanna know what this is about, ask a bisexual… and many just won’t do that because it would invalidate everything they believe about this.  I mean, seriously, do you really believe that if you masturbate, you’re gonna go blind?  If you don’t believe this, um, why you would you believe that there’s no such animal as a bisexual human being?  And then there’s this:

If bisexuals don’t really exist and all that shit, um, what are y’all pitching a bitch about?  Think about this one for a moment…

 

Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: Another Meaning for Biphobia?

I was just sitting here, after doing some maintenance on my computer, thinking about the guys on the bi forum and kinda categorizing the things I see them writing about that prevents many of them from taking that initial plunge or, in some cases, returning to the deep end of the pool and are now standing on the pool deck, hesitant about jumping back in after a long absence.  As I thought about all of the reasons they give, I wondered if I was looking at a different form of biphobia, a word that’s now associated with those folks who are afraid of bisexuality/bisexuals?

One of the questions I ask myself as I read the many posts is what’s really stopping these guys from actually doing all of the stuff they say they wanna do?  Another one is, “Are the things they say are keeping them out of the pool really things that cannot be resolved in some way?”  What I realized is that many of them are afraid and while a phobia is defined as an irrational fear of something, the things they’re afraid of aren’t exactly what I’d call irrational and that those things are pretty damned consistent, i.e., the fears these men give voice to today are the same fears I’ve heard other men cite decades ago.  Lemme see if I can kinda/sorta list some of them…

They might be really gay.

They might catch something nasty.

They might get outed.

They might lose friends.

They might lose a girlfriend or a wife.

They might go straight to hell because they’ve broken faith with whatever religious beliefs they have.

They fear being rejected by other men, bi or gay.

They fear not being able to find someone to have sex with.

They fear casual sex.

They fear emotional attachment to other men.

They fear discovering that they might not like that which they want to do.

Some fear that they will like it more than they expect to.

There are probably more that I can’t remember right at this moment but, as I said, while they’re not irrational in a phobic kind of way, they are pretty consistent across time, i.e., I heard these same things from other guys way back in the 1970s and, forty-seven years later, I’m still seeing/hearing these things as reasons why these guys want to leap into the pool… but don’t.  They join the forum, not only looking for answers to the many questions they have but to be assured that, one, they’re not alone in what they’re thinking and feeling and, two, to have their fears addressed and, if possible, mitigated, eliminated, dispelled, whatever.  It’s not as if the experienced forum members fail to address their many concerns and accurately so but, at the end of the day, it’s up to the man asking the questions (or stating his fears) to decide whether or not he’s gotten the information he needs to dive on in and realize his desires.

It’s probably just me, but I find it… curious that a guy will post something about why he wants to suck cock so badly, explain whatever it is that scares the shit out of him about doing it and then have maybe fifty guys give him information that would allay his fears… but the guy still decides to stay out of the waters of the deep end.  Are they indecisive?  Do they have reason to believe that all of the guys telling him the deal about sucking cock are, in fact, wrong?  Are their fears actually a lot stronger than their desire?

The other rather consistent thing I see taking place is how logic doesn’t fare well against emotional issues.  I’ve seen guys share their fears, have seen the membership address them, and have seen the author come back and say that he understands all that has been explained to him and that his questions have been answered, his concerns properly addressed… but a few will come back and reiterate those same concerns and looking for even more answers when, in most cases, there isn’t any more information to give.  I’ve sat read this stuff happening and ask myself a question:  If fifty guys shared with me their initial experiences with sucking a dick and laid a lot of good and accurate knowledge on me about it – and I have no reason to disbelieve or doubt what I’ve been told, why haven’t I given it a go yet?

Well, the answer has something to do with their fear of not being able to find someone they can “lose their cherry” to; I’ve seen guys thank the membership for the good advice received and then become their own worst enemy by being very exacting and precise about that first dick they want to taste (or having in their butt) and, on the surface, it doesn’t appear to be related to fear – it looks merely like preference but when you take a big step back and look at this, what you see are a bunch of guys setting a conditional environment that will make sure that they never have that first experience because the type of guy “preferred” can’t be located anywhere on the planet (according to them).

It’s not that I blame or find fault in these guys for being afraid of whatever’s scaring them because I know this is some really scary shit to begin with… I just find it curious and a bit puzzling that when you have so many people doing their level best of allaying your fears, you’re still afraid just the same.  Yes, it’s a life-changing decision and one that can impact one’s life if they do whatever they wanna do… and if they don’t do it so, yeah, making that decision to go/no go is pretty damned important and one to not be taken lightly.

Now, some guys on the forum have gone on to set their fears aside and dive right on in and they’ve come back to share that they’ve taken the plunge and to say something along the lines of, “I really don’t know what I was afraid of – I should have done this a long time ago!”

Is it really possible for a budding bisexual to have an irrational fear of becoming that which they want to be?  Kinda looks like it, huh?

 

Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: Get a Grip

I read this posting by mickcase – https://bithebiblog.wordpress.com/2017/05/11/do-gay-people-believe-in-bisexuality/ – and my first thought was that it just does not ever fail to baffle me to see today’s bisexuals being bothered by something I heard and experienced decades ago, that there are still some homosexual men out there who steadfastly refuse to believe that bisexual men exist and that we’re the ones who are in denial about our “true gayness…” when, duh, it seems to be pretty damned obvious that if anyone’s in denial about something, it’s not bisexual men.

I can’t even begin to recall the number of the times I’ve heard the “you’re really gay” speech from gay men; likewise, I can’t recall the number of times some gay dude trying to get in my case about being bisexual and hurling the usual epitaphs at me about being confused, etc..  Yes, way back in the day – like back in the 1970s – I’d get pretty bent out of shape over this shit until I eventually learned not to let it bother me; not only are people entitled to their opinion (for what that’s worth), if they couldn’t accept or believe I was bisexual, that’s not my problem and they weren’t gonna make it my problem.

Classic example:  Met a gay dude online and we talked about a lot of stuff including the fact that I was bisexual; he said he was cool with that and could we hook up at some point?  I said that we could… but I didn’t believe he was as cool about it as he said but, hey, you’re innocent until proven otherwise, right?  We hook up and it was off the chain and to the point where there were moments I had to resist the urge to start laughing over the way he was behaving as I sucked his dick – believe me, it was rather demonstrative.  I guess about a week later or maybe longer, we hooked up again and it was pretty much more of the same from him – lots of hollering and cursing, begging and pleading, etc., and when the dust settled, he looked at me and said that I was a great lover and that I should stop wasting my time having sex with women and become a fully gay man.

Not that I never heard this one before and I gave him my usual but honest answer:  “Why would I want to do that?”

He went right off the deep end – and I expected him to and he didn’t disappoint me as he went on and on about how despicable bisexual men were, that we were all traitors to the gay cause – oh, man, it was epic and I’ll admit that I didn’t make the situation any better when I started laughing, not as much over what he was saying but over how animated he was, stomping around all over the place, calling me all kinds of rotten motherfuckers and as he did so, I was thinking that he should be really glad he wasn’t talking to a younger version of myself – the version who would have kicked his ass over such things.

Here’s the facts that some homosexual men can’t or won’t accept:  Bisexual men are legion; there are so many of us that no one can think of an effective way to find out exactly how many men are bisexual.  It just really amazes me how and why there are gay men today who are of the same mindset as gay men I ran into back in the 1970s and their ongoing insistent that we – bi men – should just stop lying to ourselves and admit to one and all that we’re really gay.  I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about why some gay men behave like this and a lot of it has to do with the odd phenomenon that what we believe is always right even though factual evidence says that they aren’t.  Some of it is pure human nature:  If you’re not like us, you are against us – the fear of the other.  Some of it, believe it or not, is rooted in the tenets of monogamy and the thing that if “George” wants to be with “Jeff” – who is a gay man – George has to give up that which make him the person he is in order to conform to Jeff’s view of things or, plainly, George has to give up being bisexual and become homosexual.  This isn’t to say that some men haven’t done just that but, um, really, most bisexual men aren’t gonna stop being bisexual just because his gay lover would be very happy if he did so.

It’s a crazy way to behave and since this is a behavior I’ve seen way too many times, it tells a very sad story about how after all the decades I’ve been exposed to this, we continue to let dogmatic thinking override logic and fact.  Yes, there have always been bisexual men; yes, legions of us are quite happy being bisexual; no, homosexuality isn’t the only way to go about things and, frankly, if you’re homosexual and still believe that bisexuals are really homosexuals in disguise, well, you’re just totally clueless and way beyond being merely naive about stuff.

And, as I pointed out to that gay dude I had hooked up with, um, you didn’t think my being bisexual was all that bad when I had you begging for mercy and asking God, Jesus, and your mother to save your horny ass, did you?  He even had the nerve to give me an ultimatum:  Give up women forever and be with him… or we could never have sex again.  I blinked, stifled a belly-busting laugh, and said, “Okay, I guess we won’t be doing this again, huh?”

I understand the mindset even though I continue to think that it’s such a fucked up way to behave and is a greater sense of abject denial than what bisexual men are being accused of.  If I tell you that I’m bisexual, what makes you want to believe that there’s no way I can really be bisexual and more so when I tell you that I’ve spent more time relating to women than I have men?  I mean, really… what part of “I like pussy and dick” didn’t you understand?  Okay, I get it – just because you’d prefer I’d be totally homosexual doesn’t negate the fact that I prefer not to be totally homosexual… but maybe you don’t seem to understand that if you choose to berate me for my choice, you’re not doing yourself any favors and you’re certainly not allow me to see you in anything that resembles a good light.  Oh,and by the way?  If you’re always looking for someone to be with – even just for sex – and it just ain’t happening for you as much as you’d like, it’s probably because the bisexual guys who might be interested in turning your ass out in bed don’t want to be bothered by someone who foolishly believes that bisexuals can’t and don’t exist.

Mickcase wrote that it upsets him that gay men have such a negative opinion of us and, yes, I strongly suggested that he not let this bother him because, sadly, there are still gay men who are damned negative about us and there’s nothing we can say or do that will ever change their minds.  I don’t have a problem with a guy being homosexual – it is what it is, right?  If he has a problem with the fact that I happen to love women and pussy, well, um, okay; this, too, is what it is but here’s the question I’ve yet to hear a gay man who this a problem for answer:  If I can accept that you are what you are, why can’t you accept that I am what I am?  Hmm?  And if you can’t, well, why not?  And if you cannot recognize that what you think, feel, or otherwise believe isn’t accurately reflecting the reality of things, er, um, which one of us has a problem?

I’m pretty sure it’s not me…

Thus endeth the mini-rant.

 

Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: That Phobia Thing

phobia (n):  an exaggerated usually inexplicable and illogical fear of a particular object, class of objects, or situation (definition courtesy of the iPad version of the Merriam-Webster Dictionary)

I was checking out my notifications on Twitter and one of the new tweets I missed overnight contained the words “biphobia” and “transphobia,” the latest sexuality-related fear being given voice to… and it made me wonder (and, as usual, not for the first time) if the people who throw these words around understand what a phobia is – hence the moment it took for me to tap the icon on my iPad for the dictionary and look it up so I could display it here.  Humans are funny (and like you needed me to remind you of this?) in that we consider ourselves to be both rational and civilized even though we’ve proven over our existence as a species that we can be anything but.

The question that popped into my head was, “Is biphobia really an inexplicable and illogical fear… or is this a fear that’s been taught to us thanks to social conditioning?”  It’s one thing to think/believe that bisexuality is morally wrong and this is what we’re taught… but to develop a phobia?  I don’t know if you guys are aware of this but phobias are some pretty serious things that tend to defy explanation, like how some people are afraid of clouds (nephophobia) and seeing them can cause panic attacks and other uncomfortable things.

Some fears are ingrained into us over our evolution, like arachnophobia (the fear of spiders) and ophidiophobia (the fear of snakes) and, well, both of these animals are not only creepy looking but some of them can kill the shit out of us and, at the least, make us sick, cause disfiguring damage, etc., so these two phobias kinda make sense, don’t they… for something that, by definition, is said to be an inexplicable and illogical fear.  Think about that one for a moment while I keep typing.

So what’s the fear invoked by bisexuals, homosexuals, and transgender?  The next and, I think, obvious question isn’t so much that these phobias exist but why they exist and it’s just a guess on my part but it’s probably because we’ve always had a fear of that which is different from us, better known as the fear of the other or, “If you aren’t like us, you’re against us.”  It begs a question:  Is this a true phobia… or just our natural tendency to be prejudiced against those who are not like us?  We know that religion has literally put the fear of God into us about being anything but heterosexual so we have been conditioned to fear homosexuals and it seems that this has been expanded to include everyone else who isn’t heterosexual… and while I haven’t looked it up, uh, is there such a thing as heterophobia?

Well, damn… apparently, there is!  From what I’m looking at (courtesy of http:/www.panphobia.com), “The term heterophobia is, perhaps, only less than two decades old – a much shorter period than its more familiar sibling, homophobia, which dates to 1958.”

Who knew?  Which again makes me wonder:  Is this a genuine, 100% for-real, by the book phobia… or is this just “mere” prejudice toward those who aren’t like us?

Cityman and I talk about this at times and we’ve opined that bisexuality can be perceived as a “threat” to the ways of life for both heterosexuals and homosexuals and, simply, because bisexuals take what we know – and what we’ve been taught – about sex and flushes it down the toilet… but is this a true phobia… or just another way for us to put our ability to be prejudiced on display?  Now…

I see some folks write about how biphobia has a negative effect on the lives of bisexuals and, well, I don’t see it… although, admittedly, I’m kinda sure no one would really wanna fuck with me about being bisexual and those who have found reason to regret it.  But, my point here is that if you don’t buy into this biphobia bullshit, how can it have a negative effect on you?  No, this isn’t a case of pretending it doesn’t exist; this is me coming to the conclusion of not worrying myself about something that most people don’t really understand and especially those people who, inexplicably and illogically, assume that bisexuals and homosexuals are one and the same… and we aren’t.  Or, like I said to a guy – and way, way before the word “biphobia” was coined, “If you don’t believe that I’m not homosexual, I can prove it to you; all you have to do is bring me your woman and watch what happens…”

Funny that he suddenly didn’t seem to require any proof…

So, perhaps one can conclude that biphobia – and the other sexuality-related phobias – is a real phobia albeit one that we’ve been taught to have?  Yes, I know:  There are many people who believe that having such phobias makes no sense at all, that all they do is to perpetuate our fear of that which isn’t like us, to keep drawing lines of division between us even though we are the same species.  But if it made sense, um, would it really be a phobia as defined?  I’ll leave that up to y’all to figure out…

PS:  If you’ve ever wonder why I often say that our fears make us foolish, maybe this scribbling will serve to illustrate why I say this.

 

Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: Bi-erasure

Look, they can say what they want against bisexuality; they can try minimize it, downplay it, denigrate and vilify it and despite all of this shit, the only thing that can erase me as a bisexual is my death.

They say we don’t exist and, shit, yeah, I not only beg to differ but aren’t those folks trying to make us go away saying the same shit they said about homosexuals?  It didn’t make homosexuality go away so what the fuck makes them think they can make bi folks vanish into thin air?

They can only erase you if you let them do it and this is one bisexual who says to those folks, “Bring it on… try to erase me.”  I’ve had sex with way too many men and women to believe that, what’s that they’re saying, I’m really homosexual.  Truth is they’re only half right because without any shame, I’m only homosexual when I’m sucking some dude’s cock (and probably because the wifey won’t do it for him) and, duh, when I’m not doing that, I’m heterosexual and if ya don’t believe me, ask my woman how much I love her and her sweet pussy.

Erase me?  Good luck with that.  Those poor deluded people say that we’re in denial… but are we really?  Hmm, I don’t see or hear any bisexuals saying that we don’t exist so who’s really in denial here?

It sure the fuck ain’t us…

When they’re not busy stupidly trying to erase us, they’re trying to scare us straight by playing the disease card and then only telling part of the truth.  They try to heterosexualize our sexuality, thinking that the same values held dear by straight folks somehow must apply to us, oh, like, you gotta be in a same-sex relationship or you’re not really bi… and to that I say,”Bullshit.  Your existence depends on being able to have a relationship because, oh, yeah, that’s really the only way you know; still, no matter if I’m in a relationship with a man or a woman, I will always be bisexual… so that same-sex relationship thing means nothing except to those bisexuals who do want this for themselves.

They try to minimalist us by saying romance is the only thing… and that’s not the whole truth either and maybe, just maybe, some us of make you nervous and itchy because we’re all about the sex either way.  Oh, we can fall in love just fine… but we will damn well do that in whatever way we want to and not how you think we should.

They bad-mouth us by saying we can’t commit, are too flighty, and way too greedy… but what they conveniently neglect to say that these traits aren’t the sole province of bisexuals.  Shit, I’d cop to the being greedy part because, damned right, I want all the love and sex I can get before I die and if ya got a problem with that, too bad.

No matter what you say, you can’t erase us and you never will.  Sure, you can fuck with the heads of some us, makes us doubt ourselves, and continue to blast us with your carefully spun numbers on suicide and domestic violence… but that ain’t in our sole province either because anyone, regardless of sexuality, can encounter these downsides of life.

So, fuck you; try to erase me if you dare.  I know, even if you don’t, that your moral resistance is futile, that your view of the world is way narrower than my own so you’re just wasting your time trying to ice something that no one in any period of time has been able to eliminate.

Tell me again how that worked when you tried to erase homosexuals…

You biphobic folks scrambling to find a way to negate our existence have to be aware of something:  The world is changing whether you like it or not; each and every day more people are discovering, embracing and reveling in their bisexuality; people who have sworn that they’d never be bisexual are learning that, hey, this ain’t as bad as they’ve been saying; more and more people are getting free of those monosexual bonds you cling precariously and oh, so dear to.

Change has always been coming… and it is here and all in your faces.  I’m not without sympathy or compassion; I do, in fact, understand why you’re fruitlessly trying to erase us because we threaten all in which you fervently believe… but I don’t and won’t ever apologize for what I am because I’m being exactly what I need to be:

Bisexual.  Capable of love and sex with men and women and however you want categorize that.  Why?  The answer is, actually, quite simple:  Because we can.  You see, either innately or by facts, we know that what you believe in is horribly flawed and, as such, while it works for you, um, we just ain’t feeling it, no, not anymore.  We’re like you… but not really.  We, like you eraser chasers, want all of the best we can get and in the time that’s available to us, be it love, romance, relationships or, yeah, just getting our rocks off… we just don’t have much in the way of qualms with who we can do these things with.

I know, if no one else does, that we tend to kill that which we don’t understand and I know you don’t really understand us because you’re incapable of walking in our shoes.  So, yeah, instead of understanding us – and let alone accept the reality of our existence – you wanna get rid of us and act as if we don’t exist… and how, exactly, has that been working for ya, hmm?

So, here we go:  If you’re straight, you’ve chosen your path and ditto if you’re gay.  You believe – and I don’t pretend to understand why – that once you “choose a side,” you can’t ever change your, ah, allegiance.  But just as you have, we’ve chosen our side, which happens to be more or less in the middle of things… And some of us used to be straight, some of us used to be gay, too.  Why?  Because the logic of what you believe is faulty and sorely outdated and, oh ,yeah, um, people have been known to change their minds about anything, right?

Finally, how prudish – and maybe even foolish – are you to be fussing about something you say doesn’t exist in the first place?  This isn’t like trying to prove or disprove the existence of God; no, bisexuality ain’t about a matter of faith, trust me… but your faith in what you believe blinds you to the truth.  You say bisexuality can’t exist… and yet it does because, uh, I’m bisexual and I know a lot of bisexuals so no – we are not a figment of your imagination and if you really need some proof, well, that, I believe, can be arranged, heh, heh.

Your words, such as they are, cannot erase what has always existed; you remind me of the child who thinks that if they cover their own eyes, you can’t see them.  Your way, your paths to love, sex, and relationships aren’t the only paths and we know because we’re walking it every fucking day.

Get with the program already, will you?  You want to erase something?  Make homelessness go away; erase hunger; erase drug abuse and the violence that comes with it if you wanna do something that’s more important and worthwhile and even noble because you can never make bisexuality go away just because we won’t fully conform to the way you see the world.  We’re not straight… but we’re not gay, either.

Deal with it.  You don’t have to like it but bisexuality just ain’t going anywhere until mankind is extinct.  You don’t have to agree with it, not that people are know for their ability to agree on anything.  If you refuse to accept our obvious existence, well, might I recommend you stop what you’re doing for a very serious reality check?  You think or feel in this unproductive way you do and that’s fine… but just because your head is wired like that doesn’t and never will mean that bisexuality and bisexuals don’t exist and simply because I know that I exist… and I ain’t the only bisexual on the planet; that’s as impossible as you trying to erase us, ain’t it?

Duh.  You’re fighting human nature and you cannot win against the nature of what we are and what we’re capable of when it comes to those things you hold dearly.

 

Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: Time to Rant and Riff

Before I went to bed, I was reading an email my newest friend (who continues to remain nameless since I’ve not asked his permission to name him) and, wow, this dude has really got his head in the right place about his bisexuality.  During his engaging discourse, he said the “P” word when saying a few things about how he had been holding on to his heterosexuality while, in essence, kinda/sorta denying his bisexuality.  I said some things to him about that but as I finished going through my emails this morning, his email popped back into my head and my thoughts focused on his use of the “P” word.

Privilege:  “A special right, advantage or immunity granted or available only to a particular person or group of people.”  There are many who accuse bisexuals of having some kind of “straight privilege” and seeing my friend use the word in this context got me to wondering just who in our society granted us a privilege to do or be something that, as bisexuals, we tend to do by default, i.e., be heterosexual?  I’ve always felt that anyone who feels that our heterosexual side is some unearned or undeserved perk just really doesn’t understand a damned thing about bisexuals and, yes, I will once again point out that the group of people who has saying this shit the loudest are those people who have more problems living in a heterosexual world than bisexuals do.

I had all of this running through my head and I was fuming; I thought, “Those motherfuckers are just pissed because we can do something that they can’t; they have never been pleased about the fact that we can “get away” with something that they themselves have had so much trouble trying to pull off, just like they’ve been the ones living in the most fear regarding their sexuality that they only place they could try to hide was, in fact, in the heterosexual world even though they weren’t all that happy about having to be straight-acting…”

The fact that they even dare to assume that we – bisexuals – have some privilege continues to tell me that they’re among a group of people who, for reasons only God may know, continue to believe that people are either just straight or just homosexual, that someone couldn’t actually be both in some form or another, and that someone could never change their mind and make a decision (and you can damned well read that as meaning a choice) to shuck off their “current” sexual orientation and be bisexual… and simply because it suits their purposes in life to be bisexual.  It presumes, and incorrectly so, I might add, that someone who has lived their life with either same or opposite sex attractions just couldn’t possibly find a reason to develop attractions to the same and opposite sex in tandem… and since these folks have such a narrow view of the way things really work when it comes to humans, bisexuals are being accused of faking the funk and taking advantage of the “privilege” of heterosexuality which also incorrectly presumes that bisexuals are really homosexuals who don’t want anyone to know they’re really homosexuals.

Really?  I mean, really fucking really?  We – society – get our tits in a bunch about human rights and understandably, justifiably so given that so many people in the world continue to have their rights as a human being suppressed and just flat-out stomped on and the biggest one is our God-given right to live our individual lives as we see fit and without persecution.  If you believe this to be true, then bisexuals have that same God-given right to be both heterosexual and homosexual as they see the need to be… except we also live in a “majority-ruled society” that also believes that everyone has to be heterosexual and if you aren’t, well, your right to live your life the best way you can is null and void… and you only have to look at the way homosexuals have been treated to see and understand this.

I guess that there are some folks who just feel they have to invoke “misery loves company” because they’ve historically had so much trouble living in a predominantly heterosexual world and since this has been a pain in their collective asses for so long (figuratively speaking, of course), they find reason to want to drag bisexuals down right along with them and, oh, yeah, if they can also take a few transgender folks with them, so much the better.  They just can’t deal with the fact that someone like me is not only heterosexual and homosexual but one of my other default behaviors is being heterosexual and, oh, yeah, being heterosexual by default is a choice I made because it suits my purposes as I go about the pursuit of happiness and exercising my God-given right to live my life.  How fucking hard is it to understand this?  How damned difficult is it to accept this?  If those people – and they know who the fuck they are – think we have some kind of privilege that keeps us from being persecuted for our orientation, then why don’t they stop moaning and whining about what we naturally have and focus their thoughts on getting to where we, as bisexuals, have always been?

Oh, yeah, that’s right – that’s exactly what they’ve been doing for as long as I can remember, haven’t they… and it wasn’t until now that they’ve made any real progress toward that end but, comparatively speaking and with an eye on the grand scheme of things, nah, they’ve not really gotten as far as they’d like in their goal – nay, their need – to be treated just like everyone else which, unfortunately for them, is a problem that bisexuals have never had; we don’t have that problem because, again, for many of us, our default behavior is to be heterosexual… but we are far from being monosexual and, yeah, I can see how that can just stick in their collective craws.  By comparison, affirmative action was a privilege granted to minority groups because of the unfair treatment of said minorities and, yep, AA pissed a lot of people off – it still does and to the point where “charges” of reverse-discrimination abound due to this special right that was granted so long ago.  This was – is – some very messy shit; AA was enacted because minorities were being denied the equal rights granted to all Americans under the Constitution – it was supposed to right a long-standing wrong and, yep, even I took advantage of that special right so I could get on my feet and take care of myself and my family.

What does that have to do with anything?  Well, if you think about it – if you care to think about it – you can maybe see the word “privilege” in action and, perhaps, begin to understand that sexuality – and how we go about being straight, bi, or gay, isn’t a privilege; even if it cannot be agreed upon that our right to be whatever sexuality suits our purposes is a God-given right, as Americans, we do have the right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.  Even though we are guaranteed equality under the law, we also know that, um, we don’t give a fuck about the law, do we, because we continue to treat each other unequally all up and down the line and so, in a way, I can see and understand why there are some people out there who think that I, as a bisexual, have some privilege to be treated as a heterosexual even when I know I’m not… but it’s not a privilege, not by definition; I’m just able to exercise my “equal rights” better than someone who can’t because of our natural tendency to hate that which is different from us.

To those who still want to believe that we have some kind of privilege, I have this to say:  Don’t hate the player, hate the game; stop accusing us for having something that, in truth, we never had and, by all means, get your asses off your back because you think we have something that you want and you wanna believe we don’t deserve it and more so since you’re still having a hard time getting to where bisexuals have always been and, please, stop making your problems with this our problems.  Bisexuals have enough shit fucking with their heads without have this so-called straight privilege charge being levied on us, okay?  There are heterosexuals out there who are pitching a bitch about your so-called gay privilege, raising all kinds of hell because you are being granted rights that they don’t believe you’re entitled to since homosexuals are such soulless, godless, creatures; they feel that you are trampling on their right to be heterosexual as well as their right to believe that being heterosexual is the only true way to believe.  And I get it that this just fucks with you and, for a lot of you – and given my age and all that – I knew you were being fucked with about this before some of you were even born so you were always fighting an uphill battle… but that’s what happens when you show your face and paint a target upon yourselves – you get shot at and you will continue to be shot at until you are totally and utterly destroyed.

Unlike you folks – and, again, you know who you are – we are not hiding to avoid persecution, not like homosexuals have been persecuted.  You choose to be homosexual – and that is your right, in my opinion, but we choose to be bisexual and just the nature of what we are gives us a choice that you don’t have – we can be straight or gay as we see fit and if we choose to be more straight than gay, well, what’s the problem?  We’re just doing what we’ve always been able to do and, really, if we are hiding from anything, we’re staying under the radar so we won’t be mistaken for homosexuals and become subject to the same persecution you are bravely, valiantly, trying to get away from.

There is no straight privilege for us; we can’t be accused of “acting straight” because we are, in fact and in deed, straight… when we want and need to be… and homosexual, too.  You wanna fuck with us about this nonsense but what about all the homosexuals who have been acting straight and because they are trying to escape to escape persecution.  Fuck no… we’re not guilty of having that straight privilege… but some homosexuals are guilty of it, aren’t they?  What… y’all don’t wanna talk about that?  Why not?  Don’t get me wrong, I really do get why there are straight-acting gays; as far as society is concerned, you’re prey to be hunted and eradicated, terminated with extreme prejudice… but don’t you fucking dare accuse us of doing something “dishonest” when you’re the ones who, even by necessity, have been dishonest about your true identities in the sexuality world.

There is no fucking “straight privilege” we’re taking advantage of; you’re just miffed because we can do something you can’t do.  If you feel that we have some kind of privilege at work here in being straight, do we also have a “gay privilege” as well?  Can you point the finger at us for faking our homosexuality as easily as you point the finger at us for faking our heterosexuality?  Are we really faking any funk here… or are we, in fact, just doing what’s natural for us to do?  We have something you desperately want and need and, again, even I understand why you’ve been fighting this war for as long as you’ve been fighting it… but while I don’t know and cannot speak for other or all bisexuals, I am one – and likely one of many – bisexuals who fervently wish you’d stop trying to drag us into your war with heterosexuality; just stop fucking with us about this, will you?  Like I said, we have enough issues being bisexual so we sure the fuck don’t need any more shit piled onto us… and it ain’t even some shit of our own making.  Believe it or not, a lot of bisexuals – and this one included – are on your side as you fight for your rights to be treated equally; by some of y’all going out of your way to alienate us, well, you’re not helping your cause a whole lot, are you?

I just had the insane thought that if those folks – you fucking know who you are – feel that we have some kind of privilege, well, there’s a way you can have that same “privilege” you think we have:  Become bisexual!  But, ah, you’re not gonna do that, are you, and you won’t because – wait for it – you do have the right to be homosexual because it’s how you choose to live your lives that way and, at least here in the United States of America, that you have that right is, in and of itself, a privilege and one that cannot be easily had anywhere else in the world.

Thus endeth the rant…