On Being a Side Piece

It’s been widely accepted that being a side piece is the worst relationship scenario there is, a clear violation of the rules of monogamy if there ever was one.  Getting involved with a married person is never, ever supposed to happen; there’s supposed to be no form of logic or common sense that can explain why someone would willingly violate the directives of keeping only unto and letting no one put asunder as well as not coveting, committing adultery, etc..

It’s just not ever supposed to happen… which (wait for it) has never changed the fact that it has always happened and, in some bygone era and cultures, having a side piece or being one was okay as long as one’s duties to the person they were married to were being carried out.  Those folks who staunchly and fiercely believe in the tenets of monogamy have said that not only is this wrong but it doesn’t make sense:  Why would someone want to be a side piece?

Um, because it works for them?  Because monogamy is, basically, logically flawed and the concept of one person being able to take care of every single need of another person until one or both of them dies can’t always be true when you look at life and how people can really behave?  It’s not that people can’t do this – a lot of people do and they stay true to the rules with dogged determination and purpose… but the reality is that not everyone can do this and the truth of this – and as much as a lot of people never want to admit – is kinda obvious.

Why would a woman want to get involved with a married man and become a homewrecker?  I can explain this with an explanation of something I noticed when I got married.  Now, I can’t say that before I got married, I had a big problem getting involved with women but after I got married, holy shit:  There were women all up on me and some who, if they knew me before I got married, wouldn’t give me the time of day if their life depended on it.  And, as I observed, it wasn’t just happening to me; guys that wouldn’t even speak to my wife were now very interested in getting to know her in a very biblical way and as I worked on trying to figure out what was up with all of this, almost every married person I knew told me about this, that for some reason, the moment others found out they were married, they were swamped with people who wanted a piece of them – and even if their target was the least popular (or desirable) person around.

The explanation is… complicated.  I’ve had women tell me that a married man is a much better man than a single dude; the married man represents stability, security, and a proven commodity because if he wasn’t, um, his wife wouldn’t have married him and, yeah, some women very much want that for themselves; when you turn this the other way, the married woman is damned attractive because, simply, she must have some high-quality shit going on with her if her husband married her; she’s now a known and proven commodity and this is much better and attractive than some single chick who seems like she ain’t got much of anything going for her.  And, yeah – the taboos against fucking with married people can be more of a rush than the deterrent it’s supposed to be.

The much shorter version is that some people would rather be a part of something than to be a part of nothing.  It’s kinda the same dynamic that causes cheating which, no matter how you care to look at it, happens when someone’s needs are being ignored or otherwise not met to their satisfaction.  Single folks have needs, too, and needs that, by and large, go ignored or unfulfilled since they’re not in a relationship so if they can be a side piece to someone in a relationship, they can have their needs met albeit illicitly because the person in the relationship isn’t supposed to be a part of this for any reason.  Now, some people raise all kinds of hell about being a side piece, saying that such a person wants all of the benefits but none of the responsibilities of a relationship – and for some, this is true… but like so many other things, not the whole truth because for someone who’s willing to be a side piece, they are assuming some responsibilities, oh, like, say, taking care of those things that the rightful partner ain’t handling.

Those of you who are fiercely monogamous probably can’t accept this but I’m telling you – and yes, from experience – that it does happen – it has always happened; indeed, there are experts in this who suggest that humans weren’t meant to be monogamous, that putting ourselves on lockdown like this wasn’t the way we existed prior to religion/morality taking hold and, well, being monogamous is really an unnatural behavior for humans.  Those of you who are rabidly monogamous will say this is bullshit but, um, nah, not really and there’s way too much evidence that says that it’s not the bullshit you believe it to be because, yep, some people want to be a side piece or they need a side piece – and, sometimes, not because their partner is failing at anything.

It’s not supposed to be that way… and none of this changes what the reality is.  Okay, so the whole side piece thing has been known to wreck homes, which is always seen as a very bad is, in and of itself, a fact of the matter.  Like I said, this whole thing is horribly complicated and complex because you’re pitting moral behavior against human behavior and, well, when has that ever worked as expected and consistently so?  We tend to see the whole side piece thing as a purely sexual one… but, sometimes, there’s no sex involved or even wanted; what is wanted and needed is another emotional connection and simply because for some, just having one emotional connection to someone isn’t enough.

Ah, now you fanatical believers in monogamy are about to pull the “greedy card” out, aren’t you, and then slap down the “unable to stay committed to anything” card along with the “dishonorable cretin” card, right?  You believe, without question, that if you’re in a relationship with someone, you are – and can – be everything that the other person will ever need… even though you also know that, um, ya might not be when you get right down to it; you get into a relationship and the one thing you fear is that you won’t or can’t be everything to the other person but, like everyone who believes in being monogamous, that if for any reason you can’t be the alpha and omega for the other person – whether you find this to be the case or your partner does – oh, well – that’s just the way it is and the way it’s supposed to be and if you can’t deal with it, get the fuck out and stay out.

Except the people who’d gladly be a side piece – and someone who finds themselves in need of one – don’t necessarily agree with that assessment, do they?  This whole dynamic not only exposes the flaws in monogamy but does a great job of exposing personal flaws and ones that are expected and required to be accepted without question… except that’s not always the case, is it?  It can be summed up with something I’ve said time and time again:  If you don’t (or can’t) take care of your man/woman, someone else can and will.  This is a truism that pretty much everyone doesn’t want to accept, which is quite understandable since monogamy and morality says that it can’t be true and that it should never be true… but there’s an out available once the truth kicks you in the crotch:  Divorce or breaking up because it’s also inconceivable for one to have/be a side piece and keep the relationship alive and well, right?  It can’t be done, it’s not supposed to ever be done… but the reality, well, now, it can say otherwise, can’t it, because it works rather nicely for a whole lot of people in a relationship and, yeah, for both people in the relationship.

If you don’t understand how all of this works, then there’s some shit you’re missing or, sorry to say, in denial about.  The simple thing about side pieces is that being one or having one meets needs that being solely monogamous cannot provide.  Most people would rather eat shit and die before taking or becoming a side piece… and the operative word is “most” because, well, like it or not, being or having a side piece works for a lot of people and couples – alternative relationships or ethical non-monogamy or even negotiated infidelity have always been options and ones that have been exercised, explored, enabled – pick a word that goes along with this.  We refused to believe this, we insist that this shit ain’t the way things are supposed to be… and in the grand scheme of things – read this as life itself if you want to – it can mean absolutely nothing.  All one has to do in order to implement the side piece dynamic is to put together a list of things you aren’t going to do for anyone and that includes the person you’re in a relationship with; the moment you stop trying to be all that your partner will ever need, well,  you might find out what’ll happen or, inversely, the moment your partner develops that list and has stopped being your alpha and omega, hmm, that side piece thing suddenly makes sense.  Sure, the dissolution of the relationship is “easier” to do and our morality says that if y’all can’t make it work the way it’s supposed to work, throw it all away and start over… which belies that fact that some people don’t want to throw it all away, that starting over “from scratch” is a worse-case scenario they’d not want to find themselves in and, so, despite how morally wrong it is, having a side piece or being one – and remaining in the comfortable confines of their relationship – just makes sense.

Like I said somewhere in this, there are some people who don’t have a problem with having just a slice of the pie instead of the whole thing; for them, it’s better to have a piece of something than it is to have all of nothing.  It is wanting all of the perks but none of the responsibilities?  Depends on the person, doesn’t it?  There are, in fact, people who are a side piece or who has one… and responsibility isn’t impacted at all; indeed, some are very damned happy to have more responsibility, as crazy as that might sound.  And, even in this, there’s one responsibility that, in my opinion, can never be avoided:  If you are a side piece or you have one, you have the additional responsibility for taking care of them and in whatever form that takes and in addition to any other responsibilities that exist.

The whole side piece thing is problematic, not just from a moral point of view, because when it comes to relationships, um, no one ever learns how to multitask because we’re all told to never learn how to multitask when it comes to love, sex, and relationships.  Again, we act as if it can’t be done and it’s not ever supposed to be done and, since all of this is supposedly and allegedly true, it will always fail.  Yep, it usually does… but not always… and this is the truth that we, on the whole, don’t ever want to see because that truth just fucks up everything we were taught to believe in.

Y’all can come back and barbeque my cute ass over this matter, point out that I’m wrong, hammer me with your personal beliefs about this and, yeah, I expect that to happen… but I’m just the messenger, the guy who has the fucking nerve to tell you that what you believe isn’t the whole truth of things and from the position of knowing that it isn’t the whole truth; this just ain’t some cockeyed theory – I know it for a fact and, yep, I’m anal retentive enough to dig down deep into the muck and nastiness of this to find the truth, your unwillingness to accept it notwithstanding.  So go right ahead and flame me to your heart’s content, if that makes you secure in what you know and believe and despite running the risk of being flash-fried, yep, you’ll still have my respect.

I just happen to know that what you believe in isn’t the whole truth of things, that’s all, and given the things I’ve experienced, eh, there’s not a whole lot you can say to me that’ll change what I’ve learned about this shit first-hand and by mere observation of others.  Maybe you’d insist that you’d never do such a thing or that it could never happen to you; you’d never find a reason to want a little something extra on the side – and that’s fine and, again it is respected.  But, I’m the guy who’ll say that a whole lot of people – and myself included – have said these very same things, only to have reality deliver that swift kick in the crotch or that cold slap in the face that serves as a wakeup call and opens our eyes more to reality than idealism.  Sure… it may never happen to you; you may never see reason to have a side piece or to be one – married people can be side pieces to other married people just in case you think this only involves single folks – and if it never happens, that’s a good thing.

I know that it can happen even though we’re taught otherwise… and I have the balls to speak on it.