Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: Bisexuality and Social Norms

05 Jul

Talk about two things that don’t get along with each other! We know what we’re told about them and we get to hear others interpret what they mean to them and then you toss in religion and, these days, politics over one’s right to be the sexual they wanna be and you can have one hell of a mess on your hands.

Of course, the disparity between the two things tends to lend itself to a lot of internal dissonance when one is trying to wrap their head around bisexuality. Religious beliefs are almost always at the front of the line which makes sense given what the Old Testament gets into and our overall morality – the social contract we all get conscripted into – adds more do’s and don’t’s to those that religion has piled on us and then, these days, gender roles are undergoing some kind of “weird” metamorphosis or, some guys and to be a bit more specific, might find themselves questioning that “what it means to be a man” stuff that us guys get pounded into our very souls.

There’s a great disconnect and I mean it’s huge like the existential and infamous elephant in the room that everyone knows is there but doing all they can to ignore it or otherwise tap-dance and tip-toe around the second biggest pachyderm in the history of human sexuality… and you should already know which pachyderm sits in the #1 spot. Bluntly, social norms say that men can only have sex or otherwise be involved with women and the more its insisted that this is the way things have to be, the more some folks aren’t of a mind to just blindly obey because we do know that men do have sex and otherwise get involved with each other… but it gets “worst” for bisexuals because they’re not of a mind to give up their opposite sex attractions and in defiance of the “one man/one woman” rule and that’s at the root of the admonishment for bisexuals to pick a side and stay on it.

A guy winds up having sex with another guy and there can be trepidation before and after the fact depending on how he wound up being in this situation to begin with. That before the fact stuff can be pretty mind-numbing and I’ve written about that internal war where one side, led by our social norms, is screaming, yelling, and all that for our hypothetical guy not to do this or there will be… trouble. On the other side is Mom Nature and that biological imperative forever etched into our very makeup that says for us to have sex and even the social norms side acknowledges that having sex is very normal and healthy… except that side wants to enforce the opposite sex rule.

Should our guy manage to set aside the early mental clusterfuck and, let’s say, typically, get into some heavy cock sucking with another guy, well, hmm, if they had any questions about what that would be like, they’re getting answered but not that, um, he’s paying a whole lot of attention while it’s taking place. It’s weird but feels so good to be doing such a bad thing and our guy just might be thinking that he needs to stop everything in its tracks but, um, yeah, that’s not likely to happen (even though it can – but that’s for some other time) and everything reaches the climax – and literally so – and the sperm flows… and scant seconds later, the after the fact trepidation shows up in a bus and, in most situations, starts kicking our boy’s ass for doing something he knew good and damned well he was never supposed to do and he’s now so guilty of violating the social norms that it’s no laughing matter. The thing about this “guilt trip” – and as I’ve mentioned before – is that the very bad guilty feelings a lot of guys feel isn’t due to the rules violation that just took place; it’s their bodies responding the way it was designed to respond after ejaculation… but since most guys don’t know about this, it’s easily assumed that what our guy is feeling is unmitigated guilt over having prohibited sex with another guy.

It’s so invasive that a lot of guys don’t realize that before all of this landed on them, uh, that shit felt not only good but really good. There is a reason why a lot of guys, upon having their first experience, often admit and/or exclaim that it wasn’t as bad as they thought it would be (classic) and/or wonder aloud why they never did whatever they just did before now (also classic). Ask them if they enjoyed it and, yeah, somewhat classically, some guys respond with a, “Yeah, but…” kind of thing with the “but” being that they knew that whatever they did should have never happened and some guys actually manage to convince themselves that it didn’t happen.

Sounds like a victory for Team Social Norms, right? Yeah, not always because what this does – and if it does nothing else – it can open one’s eyes in a way that can clearly show them that Team Social Norms isn’t exactly dead wrong about this – its just not telling the whole truth and even does a, “Yeah, but…” of its own: Yes, men do have sex with each other but they’re not supposed to. And many do find that this changes nothing and depending on how their mind works, one can see that despite this having been in place for as long as it has been, it has not stopped men from having sex with other men and, as such, that victory Team Social Norms thought it won usually turns in to a loss even though, for some, the social and moral implications might still continue to mess with them. One might even be able to see that our morality – and like Team Social Norms – isn’t really wrong in that sense but you’re just seeing something that’s specifically designed to make everyone behave in a certain way and that way only.

Or else. And a lot of people, to be more broad at this point, can ask themselves, “Or else what?” We know the biblical penalty for this and it’s a penalty that all of the major religions have in place: Do it and die a horrible, painful death and spend eternity suffering in some form of hell or purgatory. It’s not to say that this doesn’t work to keep people straight and literally so but on the whole? Nah, not so much and a lot of people find reason not to cower or cave in to this “scare tactic.”

Yet and still, the social programming and conditioning is very pervasive and invasive and is, for the most part, “permanently” stuck in everyone’s mind and now it becomes a matter of how much attention one is going to give to it… and some – and many – have made the decision that they’re not going to pay a whole lot of attention to it because it is spot-on when we say, “You only live once…” and that life is way too short not to do the things you want to do and if you’re gonna do something, you might wanna get it done before you time runs out.

Many make their peace with this but that doesn’t stop the constant bombardment coming from both Team Social Norms and Team Moral Majority; we saw this during the failed attempt to eradicate homosexuality and we are still seeing it in the soon-to-fail attempt to eradicate bisexuality. The problem isn’t that the Sexuality War has been an ongoing thing: The problem comes when bisexuals, for some reason I just do not pretend to understand, just “stands there” and let themselves get shit thrown on them and in huge, stinky piles. And, these days, so many bisexuals are standing there and being shat upon and trying to defend and justify themselves and arguing with the opposing Teams and not, I think, seeing that at best, our social norms are more of a guideline than the inviolate rules we just know they are. They say, in essence, “This is the way you should be and do things that will be the best way for you to go about your life.”

For many, it is – nothing wrong about that, right? But for an ever-growing number of others, yeah, that’s not really working for them all that well if at all. Our morality runs along those same lines in that to be morally righteous – and being able to gain entrance into heaven – here are the things you should do and here are the things you aren’t supposed or cannot do… and yet, humans have been doing the sexual things that aren’t supposed to be done all along like men and women lying with men and women and now men/women lying with both men/women and not exclusively in the opposite sex way that morality and social norms insist upon.

Not so much because we’re defiant or immoral… but because we can. Because despite what the opposing Teams say, we’ve always been like this and their job is to stop us from being like this… and here comes the “making babies” thing again. Despite so many people having proven to themselves that having sex in the same-sex mode and way of things can be done and can be quite enjoyable, there are still a lot of people getting an internal beatdown by Team Social Norm’s programming and, as such, you see a lot of bisexuals being very damned bisexual… and questioning themselves at every turn and sometimes kicking their own asses over having violated the rules to begin with.

I had this conversation with Cityman last night – and not for the first time nor will it be the last time. He talked to me about how inhibited he feels and how his actions are clashing – and still clashing – against the conditioning he received and despite being into this up to his eyeballs, he finds himself questioning and second-guessing himself which I said was nothing unusual and fairly normal for a lot of people. I told him about something I’d noticed in some guys that I call “the gay trap” where a guy gets into having sex with men and having sex with women gets set aside, not because they’ve lost their desire for women but because having sex with men is… easier and more convenient, well, “basically” since I know that men, again, can be even funnier about giving up the booty than women can be. The “logic” says that if trying to get a woman into your bed can be one hell of a hard thing to do – but you find that getting men into your bed is almost a drama-free no-brainer – why put yourself through the wringer with women when you don’t have to go through all of that to get laid with another guy?

The “trap” is also fairly normal even if (1) it doesn’t feel that way and/or (2) a guy isn’t even “aware” that he’s fallen into it until he gets to questioning himself about being more gay than anything else at this point. Interestingly enough, it’s not the “Am I really gay?” part that tends to fuck with guys but it’s those things that Team Social Norms says men are supposed to do and how women have to be the only critters that men are to do “man things” with and I’m not just talking about sex. I remember the first time I saw this and how long it took me to figure out what was going on and why and saw that, at first, oh, wow – this can be so exciting that some guys just get carried away with it and go on M2M “rampages” but because some guys get “afflicted” with this, when they pursue sex with women it’s just not that easy to get them into bed and that’s something we all know and have experienced. What if some guys see that getting a man in bed is easier… and that’s just what they stick with? At best, it’s plausible if not a hard confirmation because I see a lot of bi guys say that they still have that desire for women… but they “prefer” to have sex with men, not necessarily because it’s better but because it’s convenient as well as hassle- and drama-free and compared to what it takes – and can sometimes cost – to get a woman into bed.

Even Cityman had once said, “Why should I put out $200-$300 wining and dining a woman and there’s no guarantee that she’s going to let me have sex with her when, at the least, I can get with a guy and all it might cost me is a few bucks for tacos and beer?”

And, no – this is not a condemnation against women by any means so let’s not even go there because y’all know how you can be about this – and we know it, too. Again, there are men who make women look stupidly easy to have sex with by comparison but this “gay trap” thing is usually fallen into due to a guy questioning his moral and social priorities and whether he’s doing the right thing or not… by those same moral and social priorities. You often see a bit of resistance to the “trap” in those guys who say, “It’s not something I do all of the time…” and, indeed, a lot of guys turn to getting some dick when they can’t get any pussy or anywhere near it so getting some dick is “merely” as substitute and a “slight diversion” from what they’re supposed to be doing and with women.

Once a guy gets stuck in this… loop where his conditioning is trying to override what he’s doing, it’s not easy to get out of it and that it’s not helping them if they continue to take the “easy way” to get their rocks off and, for some, return to the hunt for coochie and deal with all that comes with it. In this, Team Social Norm gets a win of sorts because it might not stop a guy from sleeping with men when he wants and needs to have sex but it has put a lot of inhibiting doubt in his mind about what he’s really doing and as opposed to what he’s supposed to be doing.

The funny thing? I’ve seen this dilemma more in men than I have in women but that’s weirdly understandable since men are held to a more strict and limiting standard of behavior while women have to deal with a different version and then there’s the double standard that says if a man lies with another man, his ass is gonna be grass but if a woman lies with another woman, well, she most likely has a damned good reason for doing it and a lot of it has to do with men. You just can’t make this shit up and it’s among the many things I’ve learned and observed along the way as to why men behave the way they do about this and for some women, eh, it’s no big deal and there’s nothing to see here so mind your business. Honestly? If this was something that I hadn’t been seeing all along, I’d probably have a hard time believing it and it tends to beg an overall question that a lot of guys can’t answer: Does it make any sense to be or feel guilty about something you wanted to do?

A typical answer is, “No, but…” and the but is all that stuff that Team Social Norms and Team Moral Majority has loaded into the very core of us… and that stuff just clashes against everything that one learns about bisexuality and can continue to fuck with them. You’d think that once someone saw the “whole truth” of this, the two Teams would lose their grip on them and for many, it most certainly has but for others? Not so much; might not stop them from engaging in same-sex stuff but at every turn, they’re going to be second-guessing themselves. Even I’ve heard that voice in my head telling me that I shouldn’t be lying here and getting my dick sucked by another guy and I need to tell him to cease and desist immediately so I can run away in abject terror and shame.

Yeah, no… not gonna do that and I had to learn to not let the voice in my head make me think and feel some kind of way over something that I not only wanted to do but enjoy doing… with both men and women. It took me years to be able to ignore “the voice” and stay the course I’d put myself on and even today, I hear it… I just don’t pay it any attention because I know what the source is and I know that the source is… inaccurate. We can and do have sex like this; the two Teams do serve a purpose and the fact is that many play by the Teams’ rules… and a whole lot of people say, “Fuck those damned rules!” and do what they gotta do to feed their need for sex and intimacy which is also at the core of each and everyone of us.

What experiences do to our social conditioning is a topic for another time… When I say that this bisexual thing is some very deep shit, I am most certainly and definitely not kidding about it. My purpose in always writing about this isn’t to talk about what bisexuals do as it is about digging down as deep as possible to get to the why of bisexuality that goes beyond the simplistic answer of, “Because we can be.” There are clearly other things at work and often in the background that must be mentioned and I’m just trying to do my best to mention them… because someone has to and while being as for-real about it as possible; that pie-in-the-sky stuff just does not work with something that has to power to change someone’s life forever.

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Posted by on 5 July 2021 in Today's Bisexual Thoughts


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