After last night’s “cum filled” prattling, my thoughts turn to things I’ve learned about defending the choice/decision to be bisexual and a message that a lot of people aren’t of a mind to accept because of what they believe.
I had to learn to not let these hard-headed people get under my skin and be like “Jack Webb” in the old TV show, “Dragnet” and just give them the facts as I knew/know them, and facts gathered via experience and observation. I had to learn that while some are seriously against anything that looks like homosexuality, eh, some people just love to push your buttons because you’ve “inadvertently” left the cover open so they can push it.
Such encounters were a masterclass in the power of belief and how people can tend to believe something without a lot of factual information. In every instance where I’d find myself defending my bisexuality and bisexuals on the whole, the resistance always came in the form of religious dogma and personal version of, “I don’t believe in that shit” and/or “No one should be this way because I wouldn’t be!” and being somewhat hard-headed and stubborn myself, it took me a while to learn to… not argue over it.
You asked the question, I answered it to the best of my ability, and if you don’t get it, you just don’t get it. A startling example about leading horses to water. An even more startling example of how people do not like to have their beliefs challenged and, in this case, totally debunked. What’s that you say? Bisexual men are really gay men in disguise? Well, I’m not gay and what, pray tell, makes you believe some crap like that? When I’ve hit them with some “facts of life,” they often get defensive and surly not because of my sexuality so much but because I’m tearing apart that which they believe.
I am… content to let some folks wallow in their abject ignorance. Don’t ask me questions about this that you don’t want to hear the answers to and, importantly, it cannot be said that I didn’t tell you/answer your questions. What you do with the information is up to you and you might not want to fuck with me about it again since you wanted to be a dick/cunt about it. My time and energy, I would learn, was better spent having these conversations with people who really did want to understand why someone would want to go both ways and what were the pros and cons of it. My time was better spent trying to help those who found themselves bitten by the bisexuality bug and were struggling with it.
Learning to be a bit… surly and snarky to tell a guy, “You’re just pissed off because you’re not man enough to do something I can easily do…” and ready to back such a statement up because guys don’t like having their masculinity put into question but since you felt that you had the right to question mine, okay – you wanna play this game? Let’s play so you can find out that your arms are too short to box with me, and I might mention that it’s unfair to argue with someone who is so handicapped since, you know, it’s bad form to pick on the handicapped.
I was trying to be nice about this and calmly explain something to you that you clearly think you understand but you’ve already proven to me that you don’t. I understand that even today, there are lot of people who hear “bisexual man” and think “homosexual man” and there was a time when I’d “lose my temper” – thanks, mom for this one – and ask, “Are you really that stupid that you don’t know that bisexual and homosexual are two different words to describe two different things? What, did you cut school on the days where the definitions of words were being discussed and how you can find them?”
You gain nothing by arguing with people like this and I don’t like arguing and the drama that comes with it so I’m not going to argue with you. I will answer your questions and state my position and if you can’t or don’t accept it, it’s not my problem but, yeah, you don’t want to make it my problem because I don’t have the patience and, unlike my mother, I’m not all that good at controlling my temper. Yeah, I’ve gotten so much better over the years, and I now like to tell people who think I’m angry about the conversation, “You’ve never seen me angry… and you wouldn’t want to.”
Seriously. I don’t… tolerate fools all that well and I guess that’s some kind of flaw that I have. What I know – but they don’t – is that from the moment bisexuality landed on me, I wanted to find the truth of things. I had to. That early whirlwind of having sex with guys was creating more questions than answers and I was “falling behind” and, early on, I displayed a behavior of feeling some kind of way to not know the answer to something that I should have known. Pretty humbling at times but I learned that I didn’t have to know the answer – I just had to know who did and I would interact with so many different people and from all walks of life who supplied me with the answers with their own knowledge and, yeah, sometimes by, “Lemme show you…”
Bisexuality isn’t theoretical for me. It’s not an intellectual exercise so much although I do enjoy intellectual conversations on the topic. I know this because… I am this. I know others who are like me, too. I know that I can be wrong about something, and I learned that rather curious thing that says that one person can be wrong about something but if there are more than one person who is “into something,” all of them can’t be wrong. The law of averages bears this out and it came to me one day listening to two guys “arguing” about homosexuality and all the religiously dogmatic stuff was being thrown around and I heard myself saying, “There are so many homosexuals that they can’t all be wrong.”
That conversation got shut down pretty quickly and now they’re looking at me and asking how I know, and I told them how I knew, and they both stuck to what they believed. Insisted that I was wrong and didn’t know what I was talking about which I allowed was quite impossible since (1) I knew gay people and (2) I’d had sex with gay guys and (3) sex with guys who weren’t gay so given the depth of my knowledge and experience, how it is possible that I’m wrong – and so are the millions of gay people?
Well, it’s our morality that says it’s wrong. I had calmly pointed out to them that, obviously, there are people who don’t agree with what morality says and I know this because I’m one of them. One guy insisted that I was in denial of being gay – and like I’d never heard that one before – and I told him that his woman would seriously disagree with that assessment and, oh, yeah, he didn’t like me saying that and he “made the mistake” of asking me how I knew this, and I told him that I had had her before he did and she was fine with me being bisexual. If you want to throw misinformation at me, I’ll tell you some truths that you’re not going to like or, yeah, don’t ask me questions you don’t want to hear the answers to.
Still, I learned that this isn’t the way to “advocate” bisexuality. Angry discourse accomplishes nothing. Yes, I am bisexual. Yes, I know this for a fact because I’ve been this way since 1964. Yes, I have had many sexual experiences with both men and women, and I even had a boyfriend and a relationship with him. No, it’s not one of those “I tried it in college” things – this is me being bisexual all of the time. Those are the facts as I understand them and, by the way, I’m not the only bisexual guy in the world so while I might be wrong in this, I’m thinking that it’s impossible that every bisexual on the planet is wrong and if there is something wrong, it’s our morality.
I’ve explained it to you; now it’s on you whether you accept it or not and if you don’t, not my problem. Your attempts to come at me from a position of moral righteousness is a waste of your time because, um, I happen to know that what you believe isn’t the whole truth of things and, yeah, some people can’t handle the truth. I know both the good and bad of being bisexual but what should stand out is that despite knowing what’s bad about it, I’m still very much bisexual. I would learn how… fearful people can be and it’s a shame because it makes no sense to be afraid of something that you were made to not understand but I also learned a lot of things about… humans. Scary shit behind how we let our fears run things and our inherent behavior of wanting to kill that which we don’t understand as well as our fear of the other or, if you’re not like us, you’re against us and you must be dealt with in the harshest possible manner.
My paternal grandfather said it right: If you really don’t want to know, don’t ask. If you don’t like having your core beliefs challenged, do yourself a favor and don’t get into a discussion about bisexuality with me because I am going to tell you some truths that you might not want to deal with. I mean, you don’t have to and I’ll even defend your right to believe what you believe…. but when it comes to being male and bisexual, I know some stuff about that. Not a subject matter expert and in that educational way but, in a way, yeah, I am because I’ve been there and done that and to the extent that I sometimes embarrass myself at how far down this rabbit hole I’ve been.
You have the right to not believe a word I say about this. I’m not out there pounding the pavements or waving the bisexual and Pride flags around, but I am bisexual, and I will staunchly defend anyone who is bisexual or feels that they are and let them know that it’s a lot more okay than they’ve been led to believe. I… loved those people who would insist that I prove that I’m bisexual and keeping a straight face to respond, “You want proof? There’s only one way I know to prove it…” and seeing the look on their faces when it hits them what that method of proof is and involves and… yeah. Be very careful what you ask for – you might get it.
I write this blog to share some stuff. About myself. What I’ve been learning about bisexuality. What one does with this information is… up to them. Not “officially” an advocate but I do have the nerve to talk and write about this in ways that those official advocates don’t say much about. My personal opinion about some of them is that they’re either too “pie-in-the-sky” about bisexuality or too much into being all doomy and gloomy and, to that end, making those who feel or believe that they’re bisexual… afraid to accept that they are. I’ve seen the angst toward homosexuals get transferred to bisexuals and specifically male bisexuals and all because of what our morality continues to say about this and in the face of… the truth. Bisexuality and bisexuals are real. Some of us are male. Okay, a lot of us are male. We run the gamut from just sex to more than just sex and while maintaining our love and desire for women and some of us are so very dedicated to the way we’re supposed to be that they suppress and sacrifice their bisexuality for the love of women. Upholding the decree to be monogamous and to the exclusion of all else.
Bisexuals don’t… fight city hall in that sense. We are not homosexual, but we can have sex like we are, and we can get romantically emotional like we’re homosexual, but the truth is… we’re not homosexual. Arguing with people about this doesn’t make sense once you see and understand that what they “see” is… a homosexual. The one thing no one is supposed to be and the many people who get confused because… we’re not homosexual and even to the extent that some homosexuals don’t like bisexuals and I know of a lot of the reasons why they don’t – and some of them have been “implanted” into them and they have no real and actual interactions with a bisexual… that they know of. We are not invisible, but we do… hide in plain sight and that’s because you cannot look at someone and tell that, yep, that’s one of those bisexual motherfuckers! We look like every- and anyone.
Today’s advocates are trying to make a political issue out of this and not unlike how homosexuals had to to stand up for their right to be treated like anyone else is and, oh, yeah, that includes bisexuals as a part of “anyone” else and despite being accused of exercising some kind of straight privilege and hiding behind it, we aren’t… because we’re straight, too.
And if I explain all of this to you and you’re still doing that “Yeah, but…” thing, well, I’m not going to argue with you about it. You asked and you’ve been told – do with it what you will. You have the right to not believe me, and you even have the right to hit me with all that religious nonsense and… I reserve the right to ignore you or to let you know that, well, you’re wrong about what you believe and what you think you know… because I am living proof that you’re wrong.
And so is our morality. It doesn’t want you to know the truth of how we can be and seeks to refuse and suppress… human nature. I’ll tell anyone who really wants to know the truths as I’ve come to learn and understand them and based upon what I’ve learned and the experiences I’ve had. Bisexuality is… all I know to be. It just works and in ways that have nothing to do with sex. I’m… biased toward bisexuality but that shouldn’t surprise anyone but what might be surprising is how I will go out of my way to convince some folks that this might not be… right for them. But it’s all about choice, isn’t it?
I “advocate” bisexuality. I have learned to not get angry when people aren’t trying to hear what I have to say about it. It serves no purpose, and it changes nothing because I am still bisexual and so are a lot of people and if that doesn’t poke some huge holes in what you believe, I don’t know what will. Well, yeah, I happen to know something that will…
But if you choose to keep believing something that isn’t the truth, okay – do you, boo. I understand that instinctual thing of fiercely defending that which you believe but when it comes to bisexuality, this isn’t something that I believe – it’s what I know, and I learned by doing more than anything else and I’ve had fun in the doing and… not so much at times. I don’t try to convert people and I do not tell people that they can’t be what they know themselves to be whether it’s straight, gay, bi, or whatever they believe themselves to be. I’m bisexual and, um, sure, okay, if you really wanna know what that’s like, fine but if you don’t believe, I’m good with that, too. Let there be peace between us. But if you don’t believe in bisexuality, hmm, maybe, just maybe, you might want to reconsider some stuff since you’re talking to a bisexual – and chances are that you didn’t even know that you were and if you didn’t know, I might tell you even though I know it’ll probably shake you up… but I’m the proof that what you don’t believe in is… real. I am a Black male bisexual. I grew up learning how to be bisexual with other Black males and females. I laugh at the premise that there’s no such animal, male or female. I beg to differ and greatly so, but you don’t have to believe me because at the end of any day…
I know the truth. I know what I am. Since 1964. I’ll be 68 this year, God willing, and the water doesn’t rise. Do the math. I learned that it’s not just a thing to do – it’s a way to be and… our morality and angst against homosexuality be damned. It’s not… all that right. I am not “on my way to being gay” or in any kind of denial about things. Our morality does serve a purpose in our society but it’s not the only way to pursue happiness in the form of the big three: Love, sex, and relationships. The logic that suggests – and strongly – that if there are heterosexuals and homosexuals, there are those who are… both. But if you don’t believe, then you just don’t. Not my problem unless you make it my problem and… don’t. Just don’t. I’ve spent a lifetime with people making their problem my problem and it’s their problem because they don’t understand and refuse to and… I have better things to be concerned with like… what’s for dinner tomorrow.
Do with it what you will. The truth, I learned, does set you free. Oh, boy, does it ever. Whether that becomes a good or bad thing is… up to the individual to decide. No fussing, fighting, or argumentative drama. If you didn’t know, now you know and if you don’t believe, you just don’t.
Talk to you later.
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