It’s a question I’ve been asked so many times that I cannot begin to ascribe a number to it when I’ve talked to some people about my being bisexual: “Which do you like more, men or women?”
I’ve found, over the years, that this question kinda bugs me because in my mind, bisexuality isn’t an “either/or” kind of thing although it remains a valid question because once you get into the nuts and bolts of my bisexuality, you get to see how I’m bisexual, what my preferences are and how I deal with women versus how I deal with men and, as those of you who have been reading my stuff for a while know, it’s not really all that complicated… once I explain it.
So… okay; I like women more than I like men, allowing me to create the kinda funny answer I tend to give when responding to the question: I’ll always go for the pussy first… but I wouldn’t say no to the dick. But even that facetious reply isn’t entirely accurate because, um, I might go for the dick first – it depends. I bring this up because I read a couple of blogs about fluidity in sexuality (http://dish.andrewsullivan.com/2014/09/30/fluid-dynamics/) and it seems that it isn’t “enough” that I like men and women but it comes down to what degree (for lack of a better word) that I do… and that’s when it gets a little more complicated but it can be summed up in a rather short statement: I like women for sex, romance, friendship, and relationships and I like men for friendship and sex.
Even though I’ve experienced a single moment in my life where I liked a guy in the same way I like the gals, I’ve learned that when it comes to men, I don’t have much of a romantic leaning in that direction and, yeah, I used to wonder why I didn’t… and then I wondered why I was even thinking like that in the first place; it was as if some internal ‘mandate’ said, “Look, if you’re gonna go both ways, then you should deal with men in the same way you deal with women…” – and all the while knowing – and eventually learning – that my bisexuality doesn’t work like that.
I’ve found myself explaining to those who ask the question that it’s not that I don’t like men – I do… I just don’t lose my mind over them as I would a woman. My own experiences have taught me that dealing with women is a damned involved thing to get into – and that’s just trying to get a woman to speak to you, let alone get into her panties; “historically,” it’s been easier to get a guy to give up his dick because you just don’t have to go through all that stuff with most guys; I’d go as far as to say that the one exception I’ve encountered has been running into gay men who are more relationship-minded and some have put me through the same kind of stuff a woman would in order to get that dick. Of course, I’m not even saying that this is a norm – it’s just based on my own experiences and they are similar to what other bi guys have shared with me over the years.
I’ve always suspected that if I were to answer that question and then say that I like men more than I like women, folks would probably be less inclined to be okay with my sexuality, as if my ‘preferring’ the pussy first and the dick second makes me more “okay” in their eyes – but I’ve never been able to prove or substantiate my suspicions in this so it leads to the position that if you’re cool with my sexuality, fine; if you aren’t, that’s okay, too.
The follow-up question in this is usually, “What is it about men that you like?” Well, that’s an easy one to answer: Their cocks. Now, that simple answer might get someone thinking that I’ll go after anything with a dick and, honestly, I long since grew out of that particular behavior. It’s about what they have dangling between their legs; size doesn’t mean shit to me and neither does their stamina or the lack thereof… but first and foremost, they have to ‘answer’ the question of whether or not getting with them is going to be a mistake – are they the “right”type of guy? By this, it’s all about what’s going on inside their head, their personality and other stuff along those lines; I have, in fact, turned down a lot of dick and all because of what I found bouncing around between their ears.
I don’t have to fall in love or otherwise become infatuated with a guy in order for me to want to suck his dick until he begs for some divine intervention – I just have to like him enough as a person and, of course, it’s safe to give his knob a good polishing. As far as being in love with a guy goes, yeah, I’ve been there, been totally surprised by it all and, personality quirks aside, the relationship was good for the time it lasted. That, if nothing else, taught me a few things, like, loving a man as I would a woman is possible, that I could have a loving relationship with a guy and bask in all the goodness such things can bring; it also taught me that when it comes to being bisexual, no: I don’t have to love a guy in order to be intimate with him. In the eyes of some – and I’ve mentioned this before – this school of thought doesn’t “qualify” me as a bisexual… but the people who try to tell me this aren’t bisexuals so I know that what I’m hearing – and some of the “motivation” behind the questions – is their idea of something they know little about and, no, just because you know a bisexual doesn’t make one qualified to tell a dyed-in-the-wool, card-carrying bisexual how to be bisexual… and then asking the question to begin with.
You know, when I first had the question directed at me, I was gravely insulted to have it suggested that I’m embracing a sexuality that, indeed, encompasses the best of both worlds but there’s still some kind of choice, some “preferred” way to be bisexual by asking if I like men or women more or less. In a sexuality that has no “side” to pick, the question wants you to pick a side, to choose which thing is the most preferred… but without wanting to bother with finding out why someone like me might be, oh, just pulling some numbers out of my ass, “60/40” in favor of women or “65/35” in favor of men. But I got smarter; I did discover that thing about me that, again, makes me say that I’ll take the pussy first… but I won’t ignore the dick. And, yes, there are times when I don’t want to be “bothered” by dick at all – the reasons vary and are dependent upon my mood and at almost any moment.
The more, ah, mature version of myself learned to accept the question as being valid and simply because I know how I’m bisexual and it’s no big deal for me to explain the why of it: I like women for “certain” things and I like men for other “certain” things. When they ask, “How can you suck some dude’s dick?” I can smile – I can see them dealing with whatever revulsion they might have on their mind – and tell them the why of it. It’s not “just because I can” – that’s too easy and to take the word “how” literally doesn’t make sense… but telling them why, well, now, that’s a different kettle of fish and in the telling, I hope you don’t have anywhere to go for a few because the answer is kinda complicated – but it’ll make sense once you hear it… I hope.
Just some stray thoughts that went through my mind – again. This kind of stuff goes on in my head all of the time because, for me, being bisexual isn’t just a thing to do…
It’s a way to be. Any questions?