Today’s Bisexual Thought: Dating or Hooking Up?

There are a lot of bi guys who are concerned about dating a guy and while I’d be the first to admit that I wouldn’t say that I’ve dated men, it gets me to wonder how guys look at dating, what it means to them to date someone and if there’s a purpose to dating other than to hook up with a guy.  There are times when I think that men think about dating in the same way they think about dating women and, yes, even if the only reason why we want to take them out is so we can get into their panties.  Depending on who you’re talking to, dating has a more romantic, relationship kind of vibe to it; we often use dating as a method to screen potential partners and, no, this time I don’t mean solely for sex; given this take on it, I’m often amused when I see and/or hear guys say that they’re not interested in hookups and are wondering what’s the best way to go about dating a guy when dating, as I’ve allowed, is more about a relationship than just going out with someone because you can go out with them.

So with this in mind, I tend to ask myself, “If you’re really not interested in having a relationship with a guy, uh, why do you want to date him?”  I think I can understand the semantics that are going on here, i.e., it’s a lot more PC to use “dating” than it is to use “hooking up” because the latter implies a sex-only interest and, well, now, we wouldn’t want some other dude to think that our only interest in them is sexual, do we?  Given that a lot of guys who are into guys aren’t really interested in dating or their situation doesn’t allow for such a protracted “getting to know you better” mode of interaction so while some guys might eschew “hooking up,” we don’t have much of a problem with substituting “hanging out” for dating and hooking up.

Now, I have agreed to meet with guys for lunch or coffee and they’ve actually said, “Cool!  It’s a date then!” and, honestly, I’ve not put much emphasis on the word because I grew up with the thought in mind that a date was nothing more than a specific day, time, and place to meet with someone for whatever activity might take place, from just sitting and talking to having sex and, yep, if the vibe is right, interviewing a candidate for a relationship; a date and what it might mean all depends on why you’re meeting this person… and if it’s because you wanna have sex with them at some point – and, often, more sooner than later, um, that’s generally called a hook up and not a date.

I’ve gone out with guys and simply because they asked (or I did), “Hey, you wanna hook up and do something tomorrow?” and, yeah, most of the time, it’s not immediately clear what that “something” is going to be; again, it could be anything from just talking to doing what we have in mind – and that’s provided that those sentiments weren’t already put out on the table.  Does it mean that we’re meeting solely for the purpose of having sex?  Nope, not always but even if sex is an item to be put on the table, it’s kinda nice to know a bit more about the other guy so hooking up with him – and, simply, the two of us getting in the same place at the same time – makes sense and is even more palatable than “dating” even if the word is being used colloquially.

Yep… I understand that “hooking up” has gotten a very bad reputation in the bi guy world because there are so many men out there who aren’t in the least bit interested in what type of guy you are; all they wanna know is can they get into your BVDs and can they do that in the next half-hour?  And it’s a sure bet that if you do let him in there, you’re probably never going to see him again unless he wants to get back in there again – but that’s not usually the case.  I think one of the things that tends to cause some confusion with these words is the fact that there are guys who are more relationship minded who wants to date as an interview technique and not necessarily to get their cookies crumbled right on the spot; they want to be with someone, be into someone, and then for the long term.  I’ll point out that a lot of these bi guys are often frustrated trying to find someone they’d like to date because when they hit sites like Grindr, Adam4Adam, OKCupid, and even Craigslist, what they’re going to run into is a bunch of dudes wanting to hook up for sex… but, if you wanna get literal about it, um, if you agree to a date, time, and place for this hookup to take place, aren’t you going out on a date?

This is either a matter of semantics or intent, a matter of being PC about wanting to get out there and get some dick or not being so PC about it.  I’ve seen and/or have heard many bi guys admit that they’re not interested in having a relationship with another man and that’s fine… but why use a word that is synonymous with romance and relationships?  I mean, even if you’re looking for a steady fuck buddy, you can still hook up with a perspective guy and interview him and that process has nothing to do with dating as we tend to understand it.  You can even keep hooking up with a guy to do this or that – and even for sex – and it not be associated with any romantic intent to establish a long term relationship.  We tend to futz around with our words and, yes, even I do it; I will “go out” with a guy, I will “meet” him, “hook up with him” but, yeah, I wouldn’t say that I’m dating him but that’s because the word has a different meaning to me, that and I have heard people say, “Let’s hookup and go out on a date!” – using both words in the same sentence and breath.

So if the word “date” does, in fact, have romantic and relationship connotations to you, what’s wrong with using hookup if, in fact, all you’re really interested in is some quick, down and dirty sex?  Perhaps it would help if you didn’t look at “hookup” in the same way everyone else tends to; look at a hookup as simply getting together with someone for some purpose; now, whatever happens after you do hook up, well, that’s up to the two of you…