One of the things I like to do as a bisexual man is to see what other bi guys (and curious guys) are doing and thinking and to compare what I know against whatever information I can pick up on just to be sure if I’m still on the same page with other like-minded guys. It’s fun and it’s quite educational for me to visit the bi guy forum and see all the new guys signing up – with or without experience – and to see how the current members are dealing with their sexuality… or not.
Today’s visit provided a thread by a guy looking to bottom which, in and of itself, I don’t find all that unusual nor do I find it unusual for a guy to have, ah, specific requirements for this, like the other guy being in excellent health and can be trusted. While several of the members jumped in with the pros and cons of condom usage – and in the sense that you can’t always trust them to be a good, um, containment vessel, the thing that stuck out to me was the trust thing and as in what does this mean?
We say a couple of things about this, that trust must be earned and not just given… but in order to gain trust, one must give trust. Given that we – men – have had a long history of being untrustworthy, I find this requirement to be interesting in that guy’s looking to dive into the M2M pool seem to be asking for a “guarantee” of rightness and from a subset of the species that’s not known for this most elusive quality.
If ya don’t believe me, go ask a woman about trusting a man and listen to everything she has to say about that. It’s not to say that all men are untrustworthy – and in whatever context that might mean – but, yeah, we’ve got a bad rep in this department.
Yeah, this is yet another one of those Mr. Right versus Mr. Right Now things and guys being, perhaps, too picky about the other guy they want to have sex with. Trust is a judgement call, even after you’ve managed to collect all the information you can about the other guy so you wind up trusting that you can trust him to be who he says he is, that everything is as right about him as it appears to be and, yes, that he’s gonna do you in the way he said he would and the way you want to be done. The thing is that shit doesn’t always work that way because people are not only different, we can be one way right now and a totally different way two seconds from now. We speak in terms of sexuality being fluid and, it seems to be, totally and completely discount or even ignore how fluid people are. Yes, we strive to be consistent in whatever we do but we’re not always as consistent as we’d like or ever think we can be. Our thoughts are so fluid and so are our moods and that fluidity can be affected and impacted by external things and, yup, sometimes those external things come into conflict with our internal stuff and, doubly yup, it can put the issue of trust in doubt.
So when this guy said that he wants to bottom for a guy he can trust, man, I wish he had been a bit more specific about what that meant to him. It seems that a lot of guys are of a mind that Mr. Right Now is someone who cannot be trusted and I’m not sure I understand their thinking along these lines because, um, Mr. Right Now, more often than not, can be Mr. Right but if you believe that Mr. Right Now is some shady, devious, lying, back-stabbing son of a bitch, well, um, what makes you think and/or believe that Mr. Right wouldn’t be like that? Oh, yeah, that trust thing again, huh? Yes, you should be able to “trust” that the guy you’re looking to deal with has the qualities you desire but methinks that if you can’t trust yourself, well, you have a problem. Sometimes, you gotta go with your gut feeling and with most people, their gut feeling is more accurate than what their mind can be; you can think that “Gary” has all the qualities and other qualifications that meet and/or exceed your needs… but your gut is saying something very different. If you engage with “Gary” based on what you thought and ignore what your gut was telling you, when “‘Gary” turns out to be something other than what you thought, where’s the issue with trust here? Is it with “Gary” or does that lack of trust really lie with you?
The guy who wrote this post – and like so many other men are saying – said that he’s having a hard time finding a guy to top him even though he lives in a city that, at least in my opinion, ain’t what I’d call a “dick desert.” The truth is that where this guy lives, there are probably way too many guys who’d be genuinely willing to fill his ass with cock and cum… but when you start nitpicking things, you greatly reduce your chances of finding a guy you can truly resonate with and now this situation is akin to the old saying, “Water, water everywhere – but not a drop to drink.” It’s like wanting steak but you can only afford hamburger (which, by the way, can also be ground steak) and you’re just being so extraordinarily picky that you don’t want to admit that hamburger would satisfy your hunger just as much as a steak would. But guys are, seemingly, now very much into instant gratification: I want what I want and the way I want it and nothing else will ever be good enough and while this might be all well and good because, you know, you deserve to have exactly what you want, it still seems to me that thinking like this is a damned good way to make sure you never, ever, get dick.
Period. There are guys who have been sitting on the bench for years waiting for that one guy they can trust but they’re also unwilling to expand what this means to themselves and, again, to really trust themselves. Sure, no one likes making a mistake in these things but I maintain and submit that if you never make a mistake, you never learn how to make things right. On a different topic, a member was talking about his quest to find Mr. Right and, for him, that meant turning down any guy who seemed to be Mr. Right Now… but, now he was wondering why he wasn’t getting the dick he so very much craved. I pointed out to him that if one doesn’t check out Mr. Right Now, uh, how do you know he couldn’t be Mr. Right? Yes, it’s a chance one winds up taking but, again, it’s not as much of a thing of trusting him as it is trusting yourself to make the best decision you can make.
Trust isn’t instantaneous; trust has to be built over time but it seems that some guys are treating the trust issue in the same way they deal with attraction: If it doesn’t happen immediately and instantly, then it’s no deal and, I dunno, maybe this is easier than taking the time to find the attraction in the other person and if the “chemistry” isn’t there right away, well, it can be worked on just like everything else can, oh, like trust, for example. Bi guys want it to be “perfect” each and every time and that’s just pie-in-the-sky thinking that doesn’t quite jive with reality. We have expectations and it seems that if a guy doesn’t or can’t meet those expectations, well, perhaps, he cannot be trusted or even shouldn’t be trusted… but can anyone really and truly live up to the expectations of others? Hell, can you live up to your own expectations? We all try to… doesn’t always work that way so now we’re back to the trust thing, i.e., we trust that the other guy is gonna do his best in whatever we need him to do with, to and for us – and we trust that we’ve made the best decision possible for ourselves.
And if you never put yourself in a position to get this particular ball rolling in the first place, guess what ain’t gonna happen? With my finger gently on the pulse of male bisexuality, I see things that I find disturbing in that while we expect women to make getting with them a fairly difficult thing to do, some guys appear to be borrowing that inherent female difficulty and using it to make decisions that, at the end of the day, finds them not getting the M2M sex they want. Now, I understand the concerns women have that makes getting with them hard to do and, yes, it’s a trust issue but when you’ve had guys just abuse the trust you gave them, well, sure, it makes it pretty damned hard to trust another guy going forward. And that makes sense… what doesn’t make sense is a guy who has never, ever had sex with another man behaving in this manner or if another guy has never betrayed your trust, why are you behaving this way? If a guy is instantly or automatically not trust another man – and, believe me, that actually makes sense because we know good and damned well how we can be when it comes to sex – then, um, exactly what the hell are you doing wanting to trust someone who, historically, could be untrustworthy? Kinda doesn’t make sense, does it?
Someone asked me what I thought was the biggest hurdle faced by bisexual men and my answer was that we make this shit harder to do than it needs to be; we set the bar ridiculously high as well as entertaining unrealistic expectations; we seek “perfection” in something that is, by its very nature, imperfect. We let our fears stop us dead in our tracks and assume that all of those fears will be realized the moment we wrap our hand around another man’s cock – and we fear being displeased and disappointed just as much as we fear displeasing someone and disappointing them. It remains true, however, that if you don’t do a thing, you cannot fail at doing it… but if you don’t fail, you never learn how to do it without failing a whole lot. The pulse says that male bisexuality is alive and well but, perhaps, running a little fast and all because, again, we’re making this harder than it has to be and as long as men keep doing this in their pursuit of M2M sex, a whole lot of guys are never gonna get to play with a dick and no matter much they want and need to do this.