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A Major Point of Failure

08 Jan

Multiple partner relationships get set up for a lot of good reasons and let’s face it – one of those reasons has everything to do with sex which, for the most part, is a no-brainer… but it’s also, as the title says, a major point of failure when it comes to multiple partner relationships.

If you think you know how to have sex, you get into this and you just might learn that you don’t know as much about it as you think you do which – and I’ll always keep saying this – is why when you decide to go in this direction, you pretty much have to learn how to have sex again and much of the reeducation is dependent upon how your relationship is structured as far as the participants in this.

It’s not so much of a “group sex” kind of thing although, um, yeah, ah, when you get all of the members of the family together for some sexy fun, wow. Just wow. This kind of sex isn’t as easy as it sounds and even when the sex is one-on-one, which you’d think would be another no-brainer, eh, I’m about to tell you why it might not be so make yourself comfortable because this is gonna take a while.

“Sharon” and “Mike” have not only decided to open their marriage, they’ve decided that being more polyamorous in their endeavors is really what makes the most sense up to an including having everyone involved living under the same roof (if and when possible) and, indeed, there are a lot of advantages to this arrangement that have nothing to do with having sex.

Now, our hypothetical couple is used to having sex with each other and if they’ve been “out on their own” and having sex, okay – it’s probably one of the reasons why the relationship got opened in the first place. Maybe our couple has decided that the two of them “sharing” a girlfriend or boyfriend – or one of each – is a good idea and, importantly, they both believe that they can easily handle this because, after all, they’ve been out on their own and having fun sex with other people.

So all of the new “family” members are in place, things are settling in and, yup, sex is happening between one and all, and in all possible combinations… and that’s where the problems can crop up because the real danger here isn’t actually having sex in some way – it’s how others are gonna feel about the sex that is taking place and, in particular, that moment when someone starts to think that they’re not getting the sexual attention that they need – someone is getting more than their “fair share” of those moments.

One of the things that causes this problem is that a couple, when planning this out, doesn’t think about how new it’s gonna be to have sex like this and more so when a new partner (or partners) are all under one roof. Our couple, again, is used to having sex with each other, they understand that under this new arrangement, things are gonna be different and, I think that innately they understand that with the new folks, there’s gonna be a learning curve… but not think about how that learning curve can lead to the utter destruction of the arrangement and that someone is almost always winding up getting more attention than someone else because, um, we don’t really stop to think about how our new partners think and feel about sex (other than, fuck, yeah, we wanna do all of that) and what their needs really are.

And this kinda thing should be expected and with the understanding that in such an arrangement, everyone is going to behave differently and the appearance of a situation where some favoritism is perceived is going to happen and the mistake is assuming that it shouldn’t happen or doing things to prevent it from happening.

It can leave someone feeling out in the cold, neglected and other such connotations and once someone starts feeling like this, you’re pretty much doomed unless you use the other skills needed for this – time management, conflict and problem resolution, and exceptional communication skills – things are gonna go south fairly quickly. Some couples go about this by placing sexual priority on the core relationship and with the needs of the others as a “secondary” concern of sorts and thinking about “us” in the wrong way because “us” isn’t just the two of you – “us” are the two of you and whoever else has joined you in this. Yeah, the core relationship is still in place and that is your husband or wife after all and the new folks “need to respect this” and not let their excitement about all of this get the better of them and start “demanding” more time with either member of the core relationship than is allowed.

And that’s pretty much the wrong way to go about this. You cannot approach the sex in such a relationship as a one size fits all kind of thing, shouldn’t invoke “priority sexing,” for lack of a better term. Yeah, there’s a time and place for everything but if you’ve got a somewhat shitty attitude about sex – and you’re thinking more about what you want and when you want it – yeah, things are gonna get messy and in a hurry.

You cannot be jealous or possessive in this and, really, if you have any reason to think that you’re not getting your fair share of the sexual action, remaining silent about it is really gonna fuck shit up because while everyone else is enjoying this new way to have sex, no one is going to be aware that there’s a problem – or a potential problem – if you don’t say anything and you choose to just sit back in the cut and have a private hissy fit about it and one that’s going to very negatively affect the smooth execution of the relationship as a whole.

Oh, yeah… if you’ve never seen someone else making love to your partner, wow, get ready for a shock and, to be honest, you can run this through your head a million times and convince yourself that you’ll be okay… until the first time you see it and, you bet your ass, this is gonna be the first real test other than merely knowing that someone else is doing them.

Are there any rules for this? Some kind of pecking order that must be established? The thing that fucks up this part of the multiple partner relationship is that, usually, this is exactly what happens… and it shouldn’t. Dependent upon sexual orientation, everyone is pretty much fair game for everyone else in the relationship and it’s at this point where I’m gonna point out that if everyone in the partnership happens to be straight, um, don’t expect that to stay that way and it’s because more bisexual-like behavior can appear literally out of nowhere and that no one expects it to happen can really throw a major wrench into the works.

“Mike” comes home from work or wherever he’s been and finds “Sharon” in the middle of getting done by another member (or members) of the partnership; how should Mike react when seeing that there’s some heavy duty sex taking place and without him? How do you think he’s gonna feel about this and, importantly, how do you think he should feel about it?

Or “Sharon” is feeling somewhat miffed because “every time she turns around,” Mike is dick deep in a female partner and not during a time where such activities have been “scheduled” – and, yeah, I know about couples with live-in partners who actually have a calendar to schedule who gets to have sex with whom. Should our girl Sharon be totally pissed off about this and to the point that if she gets invited to join the party, well, she should just decline and pitch a bitch about this breech of conduct immediately or just leave and sulk?

Do you think Sharon would be right in her assumption that Mike prefers to have sex with their girlfriend more than he prefers to have sex with Sharon?

And I’m here to tell you that if anyone in the partnership gets to thinking like this, this is not a good thing and the perfect example of why a couple wanting to do this has to – absolutely has to – purge themselves of having such thoughts and emotions because now it’s not just about “us” – it’s about all of us.

Trying to regiment everyone’s sexual behavior ain’t gonna work and neither is trying to limit how, when, etc., sex can happen between the partners isn’t going to work, either. To be frank about it, if you’re not gonna be of a mind to get in there and revel in the hopefully open sexual situation between the partners, you’re pretty much defeating one of the main purposes relationships of this kind happen.

Let’s be for real about this, okay? Yes – couples (in particular) get into this kind of relationship to better take care of those needs that they can’t easily, readily, or even consistently provide and that includes sex… but you cannot and should not go into this using conventional thinking about sex or, gasp, going into this thinking that whatever sex is taking place is “just for your benefit” and going into this with a huge list of shit you ain’t gonna do. If you’re not gonna rearrange your thinking about sex and you’re not going to do your best to have a more… adventurous and open mind about sex – and more open than you thought just having an open relationship requires – well, you’re gonna be fucked… just not in a good way.

These relationships serve as a portal to experience sex in ways that, bluntly, can make other people soil themselves and the possibilities are only limited when the people involve impose limits or start finding reasons to feel some kind of way because things aren’t happening in they way they’re expecting it to. If anything, the thing you should expect is that you won’t really know what to expect but instead of having a lot of fear about it, be excited by it.

Yes, yes – everyone has sexual boundaries but for this aspect of the multiple partner relationship to work as well as it possibly can, ya need to rethink them or, again, unlearn every damned thing you’ve ever learned about having sex so you can learn a new way to have sex.

And you talk about it because, fuck, it makes no sense not to talk about it. You not only talk about any “issues” like feeling left out but you also have discussions about what we can do to make our sex lives even more exciting than they already are and, yeah, if some of that treads into the realm of bisexuality, by all means, don’t run away from it because it still remains true that if you all really do love each other, there shouldn’t be too many things you won’t do in order to make sure everyone is happy.

Which, uh, is why all of this probably got started to begin with. Not what “we” want to do – it’s what “we” can do, those things which are possible and things that “normal” folks would have strokes and heart attacks over because they are, bluntly, incapable of thinking way outside the box.

Good lord… I can tell you my own horror stories about this which, um, is how I am very much aware of how this can really fuck shit up and what, ideally, should be done so that it doesn’t get fucked up.

If you’re seeing this post again, it’s because I had to edit a few things and there’s something else about this I wanna warn you about: If someone in the core relationship seems to be having way too much fun, do not get bent out of shape about it because, um, the whole idea is to have more fun than you’ve been having. If you’re not going to dive right in and immerse yourself in the sexual activities and with the clear purpose to enjoy this new way to have sex, well, what are you doing this for?

This level of intimacy is supposed to be enjoyed to the max and holding back, well, lemme ask you: Does it make sense to hold back? And the other thing I forgot to mention is that fear some have about falling in love with one of the other partners in this.

It happens and, I think, it should happen. I’ve been talking about the sex but relationships like this are also about loving and being loved because love is the thing that binds us in this and, indeed, it’s because of love that we’re breaking a whole lot of rules in the first place.

 

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10 responses to “A Major Point of Failure

  1. wildwestangel

    8 January 2019 at 23:35

    Very good advice. Thank you for sharing it.

    Like

     
    • kdaddy23

      8 January 2019 at 23:37

      You’re welcome. The worse thing I’ve heard a couple say about this is, “How hard can it be?” or, just as bad, “We can handle it.”

      Liked by 1 person

       
      • wildwestangel

        8 January 2019 at 23:50

        I can’t imagine how tuned out one would have to be in order to imagine this could be easy. We aren’t in poly relationships and we don’t find it easy. I think the most important point you made is that communication is vital. Not just talking but also listening and hearing.

        I appreciate your admonishment to forget what you think you know about sex is also really wise. I’m finding that is really something to consider.

        Like

         
      • kdaddy23

        8 January 2019 at 23:58

        You talk, you listen, and you still have to come to an agreement one way or the other and one that works for everyone and not just one person.

        Liked by 1 person

         
      • wildwestangel

        9 January 2019 at 00:06

        That’s been our experience. We can only be as happy if we all can find consensus. That’s often a surprising solution.

        Like

         
      • kdaddy23

        9 January 2019 at 00:14

        Take everything you’ve ever learned about love, sex, and relationships and throw it all away because, going forward, there’s so much one needs to learn, like we all don’t have to agree but be able to reach a consensus, as you correctly say. Any “beefs” should be addressed and worked in until the situation is cool with everyone involved.

        And it’s okay to agree to disagree but that stalemate shouldn’t impact the whole frigging relationship negatively; everything is negotiable and one person’s problems is everyone’s problem so we all have to work toward solving it.

        For the point of failure, if you’re unwilling to relearn how to have sex with multiple people and personalities involved, why are you even bothering with trying this?

        Liked by 1 person

         
      • wildwestangel

        9 January 2019 at 00:18

        One thing I’ve blogged about recently is that point you make about one person’s problem being everyone’s problem. We are all in this together. Any problem is OUR problem as a foursome. It certainly takes re-learning how to interact and a great deal of grace for each other. More than one relationship can mean more sex, more affection, more love, but it also guarantees more misunderstandings, more challenges, and more feelings to consider.

        Like

         
      • kdaddy23

        9 January 2019 at 00:19

        Makes being merely a couple look stupidly easy, doesn’t it? Oh – what’s the link to your new blog so I can follow it?

        Liked by 1 person

         
      • wildwestangel

        9 January 2019 at 00:26

        It absolutely seems simpler to be merely 2! Here’s the link to my new blog: https://waterboundgirl.wordpress.com/2018/11/18/how-we-are-doing-it/

        Like

         
      • kdaddy23

        9 January 2019 at 00:40

        Thank you – now following with interest!

        Like

         

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