Living With… Stuff: 31 March 24

I get that the radiation pretty much “destroyed” my throat and to the point where it’s hard for me to eat and drink and as I recently wrote, I need to eat and drink and I’m having to make myself do this even though it feels like my throat is being ripped out.

It got so bad that… I refilled my prescription for some magic mouthwash and in the hopes that, given where I’m feeling most of the pain now, the lidocaine in the mix will get in there and provide enough relief so I can “gorge” myself to get my weight up, add calories to the tally, and to fill up on something that isn’t Osmolite or trying to gulp down Ensure with “max protein” and it just fucking sucks to have your throat hurting like this and there’s nothing you can do about it.

The frustration I continue to feel being told that I need to eat; I need to drink water, Ensure, Boost, protein-laden smoothies and I get it but where the rub comes in is… being able to swallow stuff. I have to fight through the discomfort when taking my daily medications although they could probably be ground up, mixed with water, and taken via my feeding tube (and like they were doing when I was in the hospital) but… that’s a lot of prep work and I’m not sure how the gel capsule of magnesium gets into the mix so, yeah, it’s down the hatch with the meds and grimacing because the smallest pill I take feels like the biggest one I take as I wince and swallow and find myself breathing like a rented mule plowing the north forty… because swallowing is a lot of work and, yeah, it’s going to get worse before it gets better.

And it needs to hurry the fuck up and get better. I’m already thinking about how to up my caloric intake when it’s time for me to have lunch and, hopefully, I’m right about what I’m thinking about as far as ease of swallowing goes – I already know that it’s going to taste good, and I remain grateful to be able to taste stuff – but tasting it is only part of the process:

I still have to swallow it. It can be so bad that it’s almost had me in tears; pawing and rubbing at my throat and as if that’s going to help things; taking careful sips of water because that’s one of the things was told to do to help with being able to swallow and while this doesn’t ever take away the pain of swallowing, um, it does make it feel a little better at times.

I bit the bullet (but didn’t try to swallow it, heh, heh) and refilled the magic mouthwash prescription and, again, with the hopes that the lidocaine is going to numb my throat – but also because I have that nasty-tasting acidic taste in my mouth – yeah, it’s back and clearly related to the damage done to my throat – and the magic mouthwash has a component to deal with this as well as… Benadryl. I had to take two shots of the mouthwash yesterday just to be able to finish my dinner and I was so busy thinking and dealing with how bad my throat was feeling that I forgot this stuff has Benadryl in it and… it knocked me dead on my ass for maybe an hour or so.

I mean, I left the dinner table, sat down on the sofa, and was out like a light five minutes later. I woke up with a familiar fuzziness and one I experienced getting chemo; Benadryl was given to head off any possible reactions to the chemo drugs and every time they hit me with it… nap time. And, apparently, my magic mouthwash can put me down as well – and then I’m a little pissy with myself because, um, duh, I already went through one bottle of this stuff and should have remembered what the Benadryl would do.

I’m doing my best not to raise my BP over the whole thing. I know what I need to do and I’m going to do the best I can to do it but, damn, it hurts like a motherfucker and a few of its cousins. The thought crossed my mind to go “all liquid” for my meals and via my feeding tube because, um, that’s one of the reasons why I still have it but it’s on me to be able to swallow… stuff and when just the act of swallowing itself has me getting that look on my face and… I just sigh and resolve to suck it up with my big boy panties pinned on.

And, yeah, I’m writing about swallowing and how uncomfortable it is, and my mind is also deep in the gutter about… swallowing. Let your own minds join me in the gutter on this okay and it’s one of the things that allows me to smile as I deal with this because, um, well, you know, right? And let it make you smile, too!

Weird stuff about this. I can eat potato chips and my favor Chili Cheese Fritos and swallowing isn’t that painful; if it’s soft like an Entenmann’s mini pound cake, I can swallow that without a lot of pain, too – and I could eat those by the truckload because that’s how good they taste. Swallow saliva? Ouch. Water? Ouch. Spaghetti? Okay, that went down easy; the meat-laden gravy? Ouch and holy shit ouch and even after getting the meat down in as small pieces as I can get it and, yeah, back in the gutter and… while I find all of this curious, it still becomes a major point of frustration because there’s nothing, I can do other than to wait for the damage to my throat to heal once and for all…

And whenever that might happen. It is greatly interfering with a primary goal: Eat so I can regain the weight I’ve lost. Recalling how many times my RO – radiation oncologist – was telling my lady to feed me good foods with lots of protein (yep – still in the gutter in the background) – and that’s all well and good… if I’m able to swallow it and it’s not like I can’t – it’s that I can’t do it without experiencing some nearly indescribable pain.

I have to work through it. I have to push through it. It’s not easy to put out of my mind because I’m always swallowing – and grateful that my saliva isn’t thick anymore (knock on wood) but I’ve caught myself not swallowing because, subconsciously, I know that swallowing my own saliva is going to cause some pain – usually a little but sometimes a lot if I have that acidic taste in my mouth – and, hence, the magic mouthwash and its antacid component.

I was thinking about doing the baking soda thing (and as I was told to, by the way) but when I did that, it raised my blood pressure and that’s a deal breaker and more so when I wasn’t on any BP medications – and the docs on my team not getting that I didn’t have to swallow the mixture for it to affect my BP – it got absorbed by my mouth and all by itself – no swallowing needed. I loved that, “Oh, yeah…” look they got on their faces when I mentioned this but you gotta know that if I was thinking about baking soda, the acidic nature of whatever’s going on in my mouth and throat was really bothering me and enough for me to get on the phone, call in the refill for the script, go get it and hope that I can get enough of its numbing effect so I can eat and add to my caloric intake and add to the “let’s get fat!” portion of the program.

Some big time sighing. I keep being told that my body will be slow to heal without the food it needs to create the energy needed to do the healing and it’s not like I don’t know this and it’s almost like no one is listening to me when I say that if I can’t taste it -and can’t swallow it – then I’m not encouraged to eat – and going all Osmolite is possible but it’s not the same as being able to eat and more so when I’m encouraged to snack in between meals and… we have now circled back to the beginning, haven’t we?

Well, okay – they are listening to me but the only thing they can do or say is to nod their understanding of my dilemma… and tell me that I have to eat and to do the best I can. Easy for them to say and to do and I just kinda roll my eyes, gird my loins, and… swallow to the best of my ability and no matter how badly it hurts.

I share this not to be riffing about it all that much but as… information if you are unfortunate enough to develop a cancer of your throat and neck because this is stuff you’ll have to look forward to post-treatments and I think it helps to hear it from someone who’s been through it – or is going through it and it is no joke, well, um, it isn’t if your mind isn’t in the gutter about swallowing and I can’t get my mind out of the gutter which, overall, really means that in other areas, I’m doing fine and dandy… except for this swallowing thing.

No such critter as too much information…